#it’s about the queer need to have control of your appearance and how the world sees you
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its-your-mind · 2 days ago
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Something something timkon and hair and how lex lichrally programmed Kon to shave his head before he went all luthor and was forced to attack his team, his best friends, his family. and then how most of the hair on the back of Tim’s head got burned off when he got blowed up (thx Steph) and he had to cut or shave the rest of it off so it could grow back semi-evenly. and how kon was a #rebel esp compared to all-American Boy Scout Superman; Kon’s rockin around with the side cut and the leather jacket and the buckles and the spikes or the (ill-advised and made me sad) black t-shirt and jeans but even the “I am a totally normal bro” getup made him distinct and different from Kal and that is really important to Kon because he wants to be his own person, not a Superman-stand-in. and THEN fucking LEX made it so Kon would look more like Lex! his other DNA donor!!! And Tim!! He kept his hair short — just long enough to spike it up as Robin — until both of his parents were gone. which suggests to me that he kinda always wanted it long (hello Tim Drake, #1 Dick Grayson stan) but that just wasn’t an option allowed to him (not uncommon for parents who care Very Much about Appearances — my own parents were the same about my brothers’ hair growing up, not least because the private all-boys school they went to dictated that their hair couldn’t be long enough to touch the collar of their shirt (with exceptions for [insert kinda racist and vaguely xenophobic language here] hair styles). As soon as he turned 18 my baby brother got a rocker-style mane. But I digress. Anyway). Then, post-tragedy, Tim’s hair got long enough to flip down over his forehead and stream behind him when he swung through the city (perhaps one of his ways of clinging to control and his sense of self in the whole awful situation). But then… Tim got fucking exploded, betrayed by his ex-girlfriend who had only just returned after letting him grieve her death for a year, and now she’s following Tim’s dead father mentor’s instructions to challenge him or whatever the fuck bullshit Batman told her, (a young girl whose own father was an asshole criminal, who so desperately wanted Bruce to be proud of her) and now Tim has to cut his hair all the way down to the scalp again and listen. I’m sorry dc tim looks fucking amazing in adventure comics and I’m in love with how he is arted but hair cannot and does not grow back that quick!! Mf had to wait!! I bet it grew in fucking patchy!! I bet kon’s did too!! (prolly not as bad as Tim’s cuz Tim’s got scar tissue and shit.)
but I just think tim and kon deserve a chance to sit down and just commiserate with each other about growing their hair back out (growing back out a sidecut is a BITCH I speak from experience) and Tim’s prolly having to trim his own hair super often to keep it nice-ish while it comes back in, and Kon’s curls are just a fucking MESS until they grow out enough to like. Curl. (Again, speaking from experience) And they’re just shooting the shit (“well MINE was worse bc I looked like fucking LEX. LUTHOR.” / “well you didn’t have to wait to figure out which parts of your scalp we actually gonna bother growing hair again”) until it gets quiet for a minute. And then one of them asks if the hair also reminds the other one of The Shitty Thing That Happened. And then they fucking talk about it. About how they can’t look in the mirror without having a flashback of pain or rage. How it makes them feel like they don’t even get to control their own bodies, their own appearances, and how much that fucking sucks. How they go to run their hand through their hair and there’s just. Not enough of it to do that. How Kon is terrified that somehow looking like Lex means Lex will use him to hurt the people he loves again. How every time Tim sees another Bat or Bird looking at the back of his head, all he can think about is how they might be planning to lure him into another Bat-mandated trap test. How both Tim and Kon kinda really miss the feeling of people playing with their hair. How they miss playing with each others’ hair.
And maybe then one of them extends an offer and the other does the same and they agree to do each others’ hair. Maybe it’ll help paint a new layer over those awful memories.
So Kon finds Tim once a week (he’s never in the same place, he’s rarely even in the same country) and he trims the hair until it looks even, gives Tim the #sitch on how much hair is growing back in. After the second or third week he realizes that Tim’s not keeping up with his burn-care routine, so he starts bringing burn and scar cream with him too. Then he remembers Tim’s lack of a hair care routine and starts trying out different products on Tim’s hair to see what works best. Tim doesn’t say anything, but he thinks all of this feels even better than when Kon and Cassie used to twist little braids into his hair.
Kon insists that Tim doesn’t have to help until his hair’s grown out more, (that he doesn’t want Tim nearby and distracted while Kon still looks like Lex) but Tim outright refuses to let Kon push him away and he will NOT be outdone in the caretaking game. He waits until Kon’s busy fighting some giant alien robot in metropolis and sneaks in to the Kents’ house to scope out what products Kon uses. When he leaves the bathroom, Ma Kent is there, eyebrow raised. She tells him he “could have just knocked on the front door, sweetheart, we know how’ta keep secrets in this house. Now, let’s get some food in you before Conner comes home. You’re all skin and bones, hun.” So Tim goes downstairs and takes some mini meat pies for the road, and then researches the products Kon uses, what they do, what the ingredients do, if there are other (more expensive) options that people have sworn up and down are better. He amasses a collection, and the next time Kon shows up with clippers and healing creams and a new shampoo to try, Tim’s already got ten different products lined up on the sink — everything from shampoos and conditioners to serums and masks. Kon asks if these are things Tim wants Kon to use in Tim’s hair. Tim tells him that no, all of these are for Tim to try on Kon. Kon almost cries. (He does cry, he just doesn’t let the tears fall until Tim isn’t looking.) (Tim notices anyway ofc.) And Tim’s made a spreadsheet to track the effectiveness of different products, different ingredients, different combinations, so he tells Kon to start coming every 2-3 days instead, so he can establish results using a realistic timeframe. Sometimes, if Tim’s gonna be in one place for a few days, Kon just crashes with him. (Neither of them say it, but they both fucking CRAVE the old Core Four cuddle piles.) Eventually, when Kon’s hair is long enough that he’s ready to switch back to his side-cut again, Tim surprises him by not only shaving the hair down, but shaving a few racing stripes (“they’re flight patterns!” / “rob, I dunno what to tell you. everyone’s gonna think they’re racing stripes. doesn’t mean they aren’t dope as fuck, though.”) into Kon’s hair. Every time Kon’s hair grows out enough, Tim shaves it back and stencils in a new design. Kon starts making requests (“gimme the Super ‘S’!” / “It’s the House of El crest, Kon. You know that. Also, you have a secret identity to maintain.” / “C’mon, I’ll just say I’m a fan!” / “With the same El family crest shaved onto your scalp as Superboy?” / “No one’s noticed the identical head decor yet!”) but it’s the day Kon asks (with the same confident and mischievous tone as always) for Tim to shave in the Red Robin crest that something in Tim’s chest, something formless and warm that he hadn’t really paid attention to before, seers a burning path through his heart, takes root, and solidifies.
“Kon. I love you.”
Kon’s distracted, rifling through their hair-care bags for Tim’s razors. “Love you too, Robbie. Duh. That’s why I’m askin’ you to shave your cre–”
“No,” Tim shakes his head, mildly frustrated with himself for the lack of clarity. “I’m in love with you. I think I have been for a while.”
Kon is seated in the chair they’d pulled into the bathroom from the hotel room’s desk, so he has to look up to meet Tim’s eyes. The hand digging beneath sample bottles of leave-in conditioner freezes, still wrist-deep in hair products. Kon’s expression looks to Tim like one of his video games’ character builders froze between the settings for ‘bright smile’ and ‘shock and awe.’
So Tim just looks down at him. Waits. If this was anyone else, Tim would probably be losing his mind right now, but… it’s Kon. Tim’s safe. Kon would never do anything to hurt him.
Kon unfreezes, blinks a few times. “Could you–” he coughs. “Could you say that again? I think my brain maybe like, malfunctioned for a second.”
Tim takes a step closer, reaches out one hand to cup Kon’s cheek, scratches his fingertips through the stubble on the side of Kon’s head. “I’m in love with you, Conner Kent.”
Tears fill Kon’s eyes, and he blinks them away. “That’s– that’s what I thought you said.” His hand (the one not trapped beneath a sea of shampoos, some detached and unhelpful part of Tim’s mind remarks) comes up to gently rest on Tim’s hip. “Robbie, Tim, I– of course I’m in love with you. You– you’re– you’re amazing, you know that? You’re so kind and strong and you’re a genius and you’re a gift to everyone around you; I dunno how everyone else doesn’t see you like I do.”
Tim can’t help but reach out his other hand to wrap around the back of Kon’s head, to feel where the curls carve a path down through the shorter hair and come to a sharp point.
“I mean, damn Wonder Boy,” Kon tries to muster up his Superboy smirk, but the look in his eyes is full of too much genuine affection for him to pull it off. “I think I’ve been in love with you since Kauai, since you grabbed me outta free-fall and swung me to safety. You caught me. No one’d ever done that before. And then you just… kept doing it. You’re still saving me, still taking care of me.”
Kon reaches his other hand (no eruption of hairspray, thank you TTK, that same unhelpful part of Tim’s mind comments. Read the room! the rest of Tim yells at it.) around the back of Tim’s neck, avoiding the tender and scarred areas with practiced ease, and pulls Tim down until their foreheads touch.
“I love you, Wonder. I love you, Robbie.” Kon tilts his head up, waits until their eyes meet. He’s got the biggest smile on his face that Tim’s ever seen.
Tim smiles back, and Kon’s eyes soften. “I love you, Tim.”
Tim leans down and uses his hands on either side of Kon’s head to guide Kon’s lips up to his own.
This is what I want to remember, Tim thinks as he feels Kon’s fingers gliding softly against the sensitive skin of his burn, feels Kon’s TTK covering and protecting the parts still too tender to touch. Tim runs his own fingertips back and forth over the stubble on the sides of Kon’s head, before pushing them up until they’re tangled in Kon’s curls.
I don’t want to care anymore whether or not the people around me look at the back of my head and see weakness or failure. They don’t get to decide whether this mark on my body matters or what it means. I do. And I decide that these scars are important because they brought me here, to this moment. They brought me to Kon.
Kon tilts his head down to break the kiss. He stands up, and before Tim gets a chance to move away and give him space, Kon wraps his arms and TTK around him. He plants a kiss in Tim’s hair. “Damn, Wonder Boy. Having to grow all my hair back almost feels worth it if it got me here.”
Tim smiles and wraps his arms around Kon’s waist, nestles into Kon’s chest. “You know what, Clone Boy? I was just thinking the same thing.”
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darcytaylor · 1 month ago
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Honestly, at this point I think a lot of people need to be stepping away from this fandom and thinking about themselves more for awhile. I’ve been absolutely horrified by the discourse around Jake’s sexuality that has started to break out on here and other platforms and it is NOT a respectful or appropriate discussion to be having to begin with, let alone the tone and word choices people are using. 
This whole situation is a bit… messy at this point. To your point, you can’t read into anything we see online all that much because we don’t really know the full story or what’s going on inside their minds. That said, sometimes actions speak louder than words and there comes a point where the appearance of things should at least be respected.
People longing to get direct declarations or statements from folks like we might have been used to in the past, I feel, are going to be left wanting I fear, because more and more celebs are choosing to let their actions and choices speak for themselves, especially in their private lives. Margot Robbie didn’t even announce her pregnancy, she just lived her life and let photos be taken, and that’s turning into a fairly typical move since social media/news cycle is so open to everyone to see.
All that said, a lot of really nasty comments and opinions and behaviors really do seem to be coming out lately, and it’s really just a disappointment.
A thing that always makes me roll my eyes is when people argue that since it’s okay to label someone as straight, it should be fine to speculate and label someone as gay or queer. It’s important to remember the historical context behind these labels. For much of history, being gay or queer carried stigma, discrimination, and harm. It’s not about the labels themselves but the weight they carry and the harm that speculation can cause.
Ideally, we’d reach a point where we no longer feel the need to label anyone’s sexuality. Sexuality is fluid; it’s not binary. But we’re not there yet. LGBTQ+ individuals still face challenges, and respecting someone’s autonomy over their identity - and what they choose to share - is key. How we talk about sexuality matters because words and speculation can have real consequences.
But achieving all of this requires continuous change, empathy, and respect for others privacy and identity. Ignoring that need for caution disregards the health and safety of people.
This situation feels messy, and honestly, the fandom is making it messier. It’s hard for people to grasp that we don’t truly know these individuals or what’s happening behind the scenes. When Nicola talked about false rumours about herself, she said, “But they don’t even know me. That's the key.” She was right. Even if she corrected the narrative, people would still cherry-pick moments from her life and pretend to know everything. The internet gives us a lot of information, but it’s just a snapshot. Nothing replaces the nuance of someone’s private thoughts and feelings.
While actions do speak loudly, we need to balance that with respect for what’s shown publicly and avoid making assumptions about someone’s personal life. We might interpret actions one way, but that doesn’t mean they reflect the full story. The rumours being turned into “truths” haven’t come from Nicola herself, and even if she did speak out, people would still believe what they want. Speaking out could even lead to more harm, including hate directed at people she cares about. Personally, I don’t think it’s worth it for her to inform fans or the general audience - at least not now, when it could do more damage than good.
We’re living in a completely different world than we were 20 years ago. Social media has given us access to celebrities lives, making it difficult for them to maintain any sense of privacy. In the past, we relied on traditional media outlets for glimpses of celebrities. Now, social media shows so much and often without control.
On top of that, almost everyone carries a camera in their pocket, making it far too easy to invade peoples privacy and turn their private moments into public spectacles without their consent. It’s no wonder many celebrities now choose to keep their personal lives more private and let their actions speak for themselves. By focusing on their actions, they avoid having their words twisted, and if their actions are kind and considerate, they don’t worsen situations, even if they don’t fully reveal what’s going on.
Unfortunately, the anonymity of the internet often brings out the worst in some, leading to nastiness and judgment. And even when we feel strongly about a topic, we should all strive to be more empathetic and mindful in how we engage. ❤️
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heyitsspiders · 9 months ago
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Bitten Apple ~ AdamsApple Fic - CHAPTER 2
Adam wakes up and is pissed at the world (as always) plus with a bit of Adam having a mental breakdown
Ao3 Link
a/n: yippee another chapter, this one delves more into adam's trauma so if that sort of thing isnt your jam, then this chapter isnt for you
First Morning
Adam woke up the next morning to an annoying ass knocking on the door. He tried to cover his head with the satin pillows but his new ears made every noise ten times louder. Groaning, he got up and made his way across the room he had destroyed the night previous. It was his way of asserting dominance.
He opened the door to find Lucifer, mid knock and looking very peeved – which wasn’t fair when he was the one annoying Adam. “Finally, thought you’d up and died a third time,” Lucifer cocked a hand on his hip and raised a brow, leaning to see past the larger demon. 
“I thought you were a little too old for throwing tantrums?” Lucifer asked, eyes scanning the wreckage before flicking back up to Adam and then his room again.
“It wasn’t a tantrum, asshole,” Adam growled. How fucking dare Lucifer talk to him like that.  
“Uhuh, okay, well,” Lucifer stood up straight again, “it’s time for breakfast.”
“And?” Adam crossed his arms.
Lucifer pinched the bridge of his non-existent nose, “And that means you are to come to the dining hall and eat breakfast with me.”
Adam laughed, “Okay gay ass, why the fuck would I go eat with you like some queer?”
“Hm,” Lucifer hummed, “seems like someone forgot what they signed.” Lucifer flicked his wrist as that damned gold piece of paper appeared once more.
He pointed to it, “per our deal, you are to do as I ask and I am asking you to get your sorry ass down stairs and into the dining room.”
Adam rolled his eyes, “are you so lonely you need to make deals with people just so you don’t eat alone?”
Lucifer maintained his composure aside from his eye twitching, Adam was getting somewhere, “my actions don’t need to be explained to filth like you.”
“Sounds like I’m right,” Adam smirked.
“Sounds like you better go get cleaned up and get to breakfast before a suitable punishment is enacted,” Lucifer’s eyes bore into Adam.
“A punishment? Really?” Adam laughed, “oh please, I’m not a fucking child.”
“You sure? Because your actions seem very childish to me.”
“Childish?” Adam clenched his fists, “how am I acting childish? Why, because I don’t want to be your little bitch?”
“I’m not some chick for you to order around,” Adam spat.
“Oh but you are,” Lucifer purred. A golden chain suddenly materialized around Adam’s neck and in Lucifer's hand. Lucifer yanked down on the linked chain, forcing Adam down on one knee and by proxy at Lucifer’s eye level. “You are at my mercy and you will listen.”
Adam’s lip curled, showing off his now much sharper teeth as his brows knitted. The golden collar burned against his skin and he resisted trying to claw it off, instead opting to try and pull away. How fucking dare Lucifer talk to him like that. The anger he had for this cunt was immeasurable and what was worse is that he couldn’t even do anything about it. 
Lucifer let go of the chain, causing Adam to fall backwards, “Be down in 10 and look presentable.” And with that, he was gone once more.
Adam rubbed the back of his head as it ached dully from the impact. He stood up, mumbling to himself ‘fucking bitch,’ and ‘what is his fucking deal?’ He decided he would not only stay how he was – he was always presentable and Lucifer could kiss his ass – but he would also show up late. Lucifer may own him but Adam could still be in control. 
This however did not work out in Adam’s favor as when he finally showed up to the dining hall – which was nearly fucking impossible to find – he was dragged across the floor by the stupid fucking chain.
“I thought I told you to be down here 5 minutes ago,” Lucifer snapped, yanking the chain with harsher and harsher pulls. 
“Fuck – ow –” Adam tried to use his hands to push himself back but only skinned his hands in the process. “I got fucking lost – ow – fucking – shit – stop!” Adam yelped.
Lucifer stopped tugging on the chain as he sat in thought. He gave one more violent yank, “I suppose that’s fair, I meant to show you around but you gave me trouble. However, that does not explain why you still look like shit.” 
“I do not look like shit! I look cool as Hell!” Adam protested, now on his bruised knees. 
Lucifer just rolled his eyes in response and dropped the chain as it disappeared, like it was never there. Adam rubbed his neck as he pushed himself back up.
“Would you stop fucking shoving me on the ground?” Adam complained, subconsciously holding his palm to soothe the stinging flesh.
Lucifer let out a tsk, “maybe if you stop misbehaving I wouldn’t have to.” He snapped his fingers and pointed to a chair next to him, “sit.”
Adam stiffened at the command. Lucifer was commanding him like he was a fucking dog. He was the first man! Not some wild animal – no matter how he looked. Lucifer looked bored but Adam could see the hidden amusement in his eyes, he was fucking enjoying ordering Adam around like he was nothing but a mere plaything for him to move around.
Apparently, Adam was taking too long as Lucifer roughly sighed and pulled on the reappearing chain, yanking him forward onto his hands and knees. The carpet dug into Adam’s palms.
“I don’t think I stuttered, pet. Sit. In. The. Chair.” Each word was punctuated by a harsh tug. “You’re lucky I’m being nice and not making you eat out of a food bowl, or straight up starving you.”
Lucifer tugged the chain down, making Adam slam his face into the soft yet painful carpet, “but that doesn’t mean that won’t happen if you don’t start acting right.”
He finally released the fucking chain, allowing Adam to recover from his thirtyeth time getting dragged today. Adam suppressed a growl as he made his way to the stupid chair Lucifer wanted him to sit in, which was within arms reach of the man. He sat down on the plush red cushion that was the seat of the chair, readjusting as he accidentally sat on his new tail – he still wasn’t used to it yet. It was comfortable but that didn’t make Adam any less pissed.
Adam looked down at the plate in front of him, it was some fancy shit he couldn’t quite name but he couldn’t lie – it looked good. Lucifer looked so pleased with himself as he looked over Adam with a grin. Adam wanted nothing more but to wipe that stupid smile off his face and beat him into the ground. But, he couldn’t and that fucking stung. Adam was supposed to be powerful, worshiped, loved, praised – but now he was getting beaten senseless and insulted left and right. It wasn’t right. He wasn’t even supposed to fucking be here, he was supposed to be up in Heaven celebrating another successful extermination with his girls. 
Adam didn’t realize how hard he had been clenching his fists until blood drew from his sharp ass claws digging into his already stinging palms. Great, just another-
His heart sank. No– Surely it was a trick of the light– right?
He lifted his bloody hand to his face to get a better look at his hand. He wasn’t mistaken. Red blood ran down his palm and onto his wrist. Red. Images of sinners that had fallen to his hands flashed in his mind. Red, red, red, red redredredred–
Red blood. Sinners. He…
He was really a sinner.
He sucked in a sharp breath and held it. He was not about to break down – especially in front of the bitch that caused it. From the corner of his eyes he could see Lucifer, distantly remarking how he looked less smug and more confused at Adam’s sudden change in tone. Adam quickly held his bleeding palm to keep any more blood from spilling, his vision clouded. He couldn’t even think over the dull yet loud buzz that filled his mind. 
Adam grit his teeth and pushed his chair backwards, using his hands to push against the table which caused it to shutter and the silverware and plates clicking from the sudden jostle. He stood up with a swift motion and stomped off.
“Where are you-”
“To my room, asshole!” Adam roared, slamming the dining room door behind him.
Lucifer stared at the closed door. Adam had slammed it hard enough that some photos on the wall faintly swung. He debated going after the man-child and teaching him another lesson about listening but was swayed to leave him be when a droplet of red caught his eyes. He wiped his mouth with a napkin and stood up to examine further. 
Ah. Adam’s little outburst suddenly made sense as Lucifer peered at what he suspected to be Adam’s blood. A dark crimson – a stark contrast from the brilliant gold that signified angels. 
Lucifer chuckled to himself, “so much for being down here by accident.” He snapped his fingers and the blood was gone, it’s not sanitary to leave it hanging around, even more so in a place you eat.
Lucifer hummed to himself and looked at Adam’s untouched plate. Their first meal together definitely did not go how Lucifer had wanted it to and Lucifer guessed any further attempts today would not work. He sighed. Why was Adam being so difficult? Couldn’t he see there was no point?
He sat back in his chair and continued to eat. He couldn’t help as his mind wandered in the quiet room, thoughts of Adam filled his mind. Their days back in Eden, before everything went to shit, were so nice. Sun filled days, laying in the grass and listening to Adam talk about all the new discoveries he had made. The days before Lilith had been made when it was just the two of them. He was full of so much wonder and curiosity, everything was new to him and he was so excited to learn.
Lucifer blinked, dropping the fork he had been moving in mindless circles. Wow, he had not thought about Eden in a long time, especially about Adam. He shook his head, he couldn’t be thinking of Adam in such a light – the man had hurt his daughter and no amount of reminiscing could change that. Anger seeped back in, Lucifer was going to make Adam pay for everything he had done, one insult and chain pull at a time.
He looked down at his food frowning as his appetite was suddenly gone. Oh well, Lucifer waved a hand and it was gone. He stood up, grabbed his apple-topped cane that had been leaning against the table and pushed in his chair, his eyes catching on the untouched plate. He mulled over his options – he could send it up to Adam so he can eat but that would be rewarding bad behavior, which Lucifer didn’t want. Lucifer shrugged and waved it gone as well, if the first man got hungry he’d just have to come down during lunch or dinner, wasn’t his problem. A small smile fitted across his lips as he thought about how well he had Adam under his control – oh how the mighty have fallen.
Lucifer checked his nonexistent watch, he should really head over to Charlie’s hotel – he had agreed to help out more and with his sudden disappearance yesterday there were sure to be questions. He sighed, fixing his tophat and collar before snapping his fingers, disappearing from the already empty room.
He popped into the hotel, which was fairly busy after their recent victory against the angels. Lucifer wasn’t sure if people were coming to actually be redeemed or if they saw the hotel’s strength and were staying for protection – either way people were coming and staying and it made Charlie happy so Lucifer didn’t think about it too hard. He looked around, his red eyes scanning the room for his darling Char-Char. Finally, his eyes landed on the familiar red suit and blonde hair of his daughter. She was currently talking to her girlfriend – Maggie? – a smile adorned her lips as she spoke passionately and excitedly. Pride and love swelled in Lucifer’s chest, he was so proud of his daughter he could barely contain himself from running over there and giving her a bone-crushing hug. 
In fact, he couldn’t contain himself at all considering that is exactly what he did. “Charlie!” Lucifer greeted with a wide smile, wrapping his arms around his much taller daughter and squeezing her close to him. “Oh I missed you so much!”
Charlie laughed, returning his hug, “Dad, you saw me yesterday.”
“I know but that was so long ago!” Lucifer finally released her, who caught her breath with her uncrushed lungs.
“Anyways, where did you go yesterday?” Charlie asked, mildly distracted by the sinners everywhere.
“Oh you know,” Lucifer waved his hand as he tried to come up with an excuse. He didn’t want Charlie to know about Adam – not yet. He wanted to wait until Adam had learned his lesson, “important things.” He cleared his throat.
Charlie gave him a knowing look before sighing, “alright.” Her smile quickly returned as she grabbed his shoulders, causing Lucifer to jump a bit, and dragged him over to the front desk “come see, come see!”
Lucifer allowed himself to be dragged over to the fancy front desk, it was a polished mahogany with apple adornments – he had added those – with several drawers on the inside. Charlie opened one of them to show him the long list of what looked like names.
“Look!” Charlie wore a wide, genuinely happy smile. Heavens he loved that smile. 
“Very nice, uhm, what is it?” 
“Oh, right right,” she lightly tapped her fist to her head. “These are the names of sinners that are staying at the hotel! Isn’t that amazing?”
She set down the paper and looked over the sea of sinners – okay, sea isn’t the right word, it was more of a moderate lake but there were still more people than Lucifer was used to. Okay maybe that was a bad comparison, he wasn’t even used to small gatherings. Whatever, there were a fuckton of sinners, too many to count – “Finally, people are seeing that the hotel works.”
Charlie looked back at her dad, her smile reached her eyes and crinkled the edges, “Heaven will have no chance but to listen with so many sinners backing my plan,” She grabbed Lucifer’s hands, “and you too.”
Lucifer smiled up at his daughter. He was so proud of her. “We’ll redeem these sinners and fill Heaven to the brim.”
Charlie laughed and let go of his hands, turning around to file away the list back safely in the drawer. “I have some errands I need to run but feel free to hang around and get to know the new sinners!”
Lucifer’s smile was tight as he nodded, he really didn’t want to but he supposed it wouldn’t kill him to talk to some of them. “Of course, is there anything you need me to do?”
Charlie pondered for a moment before shaking her head, “not that I can think of. Anyways,” She pulled open the door, “bye Dad!” She waved as she exited the doors.
He waved until he couldn’t see her anymore. He turned to the mass amounts of sinners – he recognized a few as the bunch that had been there when he originally visited. He could talk to a few sinners, he was the King of Hell! Lucifer cleared his throat and began walking over the original group, who were near the sofa. The spider, cat and bomb lady were all sitting on the couch with the little maid sitting on the floor next to them. Maggie was standing next to the sofa, spear still in hand. He got the impression she didn’t know how to relax.
“Hello, uh, you… guys!” He awkwardly greeted with an equally awkward smile. He internally cringed, what kind of ‘hello’ was that?
“Oh, hello your majesty,” Maggie said with the faintest of a bow to which Lucifer dismissively waved off.
“Please, call me Lucifer,” It felt weird to have people call him ‘your majesty’, it didn’t feel right.
“Well, uhm, Lucifer, what brings you here today?” Maggie attempted small talk.
“I came to see my daughter but she had errands to run and told me to talk to some of the people here, and I don’t know anyone else so I decided to hang out with her friends and my daughter in law,” He nudged Maggie with a grin who turned away to hide a faint smile.
Lucifer stood back up straight and opted for just listening to the sinners chat amongst each other, talking was not his strong suit. So he stood, his eyes following the conversation but never joined in, absentmindedly nodding to things here and there but, to be honest, he wasn’t listening. None of these matters concerned him nor did he even know how to talk about them. His mind wandered once more – he never could stay focused on what was in front of him – but he made sure to steer it away from anything with Adam. Instead, he thought of what duck to make next, or- oh! He could make a duck of Maggie and Charlie and give it as a gift. He was sure they’d like it, who wouldn’t? Probably Adam- no, no, not thinking about Adam. 
A hesitant hand touched his shoulder making him jump, “Sir? Are you alright?” Oh, it was just Maggie.
He nodded, “yes, yes, I’m fine. Apologies, I got lost in my mind.” She opened her mouth to say something but he cut her off, “I think I’ll be off, tell Charlie I said bye.” And he was gone.
He was back in his room. He let out a breath he didn’t know he was holding and walked over to his bed. Lucifer’s heart ached at the sight of it, he had specially made it for both him and Lilith and now it was just him. The bed was entirely too big for just him but at least it gave him enough room to do his usual tossing and turning. He sat at the edge, dipping into the soft mattress and dropped his head into his hands.
“What am I doing…” Lucifer mumbled into his hands. What was he doing? Keeping the leader of the exterminators hidden away in his castle? He groaned. What was Adam up to anyways? Lucifer toyed with the idea of leaving him alone but he knew Adam was vulnerable right now – the perfect time to fuck with him. Plus, messing with Adam would give him something to do.
Adam viciously scrubbed his face with his undamaged palm. Fuck – he couldn’t cry, not here, not now, not ever. He was a man – the man! He couldn’t cry like some chick. He slammed the door to his room behind him and stomped over to a pile of shit he had thrown to the ground the previous night. He grabbed a large handful and threw it violently into the wall with a grunt. 
“Why?” He snarled, “why me?” He grabbed a candle that had been set on his dresser and held it in his hand. 
“What did I do wrong? I did everything you told me-” His grip increased on the candle, causing the glass exterior to shatter in his claws “- to!”
More of that damned crimson leaked from his hand as glass shards stuck up in odd angles. Fuck. Fuck! He fell to his knees and buried his head in between his kneecaps, his claws gripping and digging into the smooth floor. Adam tucked his wings closer to himself, creating a self-made barrier between him and the outside world.
“What did I do wrong?” He mumbled again, much quieter. “I’m perfect- I-” He choked on what he refused to acknowledge as a sob. 
He moved his bloody hands to hug himself. He felt and looked so weak but he couldn’t muster the strength to be mad. He sat there, for the first time in a long time feeling a stinging heartbreak but instead of being left by his wives he was being abandoned by God. God, the man who made him – made him to be perfect, in his image! – left him just as quickly, as if Adam was a toy he had gotten bored with. His chest felt tight. It seemed to be a recurring pattern of people meeting him, loving him, and then leaving him.
He was perfect… Right? So why did everyone leave him in the end? Adam growled, slamming a curled fist onto the floor as he felt something wet drip down his cheek. No. He was not about to start crying, he was a man and he needed to act like it. Men didn’t cry, that’s what women were for, they were the emotional ones. He rubbed the traitorous tear away and sat up. He looked over the mess he had made, something he had control over. The stinging pain of his hand finally set in – oh right, there was fucking glass in his damn hand. He sighed and got up, the clown had to have some sort of bandages or something, Adam’s new big ass hands were not good for picking out small shards of glass. With his luck he’d just push them in further. 
Adam opened the door to his room with his un-glassed hand only to be met with Lucifer. Great, literally the last person he wanted to see. Lucifer’s eyes widened as he looked up at Adam as if he hadn’t been expecting him to be in his own fucking room. Adam just glared down at the sole cause of all of his problems.
“What,” Adam barked. He was already done with his shit.
Lucifer blinked, “where are you going?”
Adam rolled his eyes and held up the hand that was chock-full of glass, “to clean my fucking hand. Anymore dumbass questions?”
He looked at Adam’s hand, mouth slightly agape, “how- what happened?” Lucifer looked up at Adam, “I wasn’t even gone for that long!”
If Adam didn’t know the fallen angel in front of him, he’d think there was concern hidden within those piercing red eyes. Adam just shrugged, “just cool like that.”
Lucifer stared confusedly at him, his eyes flicking between his hand and his eyes. “I-” Lucifer cut himself off by simply grabbing Adam’s hand – which fucking hurt, there was glass in it!
“Ow, asshole! What the fuck are you-” Adam shouted but stopped as the pain dissipated. He stared blankly at his now completely fine hand – for a moment he wondered if he had made the whole thing up in his weakened state. Adam raised his eyes from his hand back to Lucifer, “how the Hell did you do that?”
“Why did you do that..?” Adam added, much quieter. It didn’t make sense for Lucifer to heal him.
Lucifer just stared at him before blinking rapidly. He looked… Confused? As if he wasn’t aware of what he just did. He looked down at Adam’s hand – which he was still holding. 
“Uhm,” he quickly let go and cleared his throat before his stupid smile reappeared as if it had never left, “I’m the King of Hell! I can do all sorts of things.” 
Adam furrowed his brows. What the fuck was happening? Was- was this a trick? Was he fucking with Adam? He pointed a finger at Lucifer, “what the fuck are you playing at? You were slamming my face into the ground an hour ago and now you’re all buddy-buddy?”
Lucifer scoffed, “it’s no fun when you get hurt on your own.”
Lucifer got closer, his grin turning sharper, “I’d much rather do that for you.”
Hatred pulsed through him as he pushed the short man away from him – finally, an emotion Adam was used to. “You queer bitch, what the fuck kind of kink thing is this? You fucking freak,” Adam spat.
Lucifer raised his hands innocently, “I just want to beat you senseless! Afterall, you tried to murder my daughter – I never said anything about it being sexual!”
“I- what? You literally smirked as you threatened to hurt me,” Adam held up his hands, “my fucking bad that it sounds like some gay sex thing!”
Lucifer rolled his eyes, “I’m just excited to grind you into the ground after the centuries of hurt you’ve caused.”
“Freak,” Adam whispered sharply.
“Anyways, I came over to see what you were up to.”
Adam raised a brow, “why?”
“Because I was bored and have nothing else to do, so why not do you?” Lucifer immediately snapped his mouth shut. Both men stared at each other before Lucifer coughed, “I did not mean it like that.”
“Sure, faggot,” Adam huffed. 
Lucifer let out a sharp laugh, “Ha! Me? The gay one?”
Adam didn’t like what the bitch was implying, “yes, you. Have you seen yourself? You might as well be the whole damn pride parade.”
“Ohoho- someone clearly doesn’t remember Eden-”
“Do not talk about Eden, cunt,” Adam growled. “You have no right to after you ruined it.”
Lucifer barked a laugh, he was really getting on Adam’s nerves. “Ruined it?” he repeated louder, “I didn’t ruin it!” Lucifer shoved a pointed finger into Adam’s chest, “you and all your filthy descendants chose to do evil with the freewill I gave you-”
“We didn’t ask for you to!” Adam yelled, causing Lucifer to finally shut the fuck up. Adam panted, “me and Eve never fucking asked for freewill, we were fine in the garden how we were.”
“But-”
“But nothing! Just shut the fuck up!” Adam huffed. Lucifer had ruined fucking everything Adam had – corrupted Eve, got them kicked out of the garden, brought evil into humanity which caused Cain to– 
No. Not now.
Adam glared down at Lucifer, who looked both equally angry and in thought. Lucifer spoke up after the gathering silence became suffocating, “I didn’t know you were capable of actual thought.”
Adam snarled, “what the fuck does that mean?”
“Nothing,” he adjusted his white suit. “Dinner will be served in 30 minutes, I expect to see you there.”
He turned on his heel and walked away, calling out, “and I expect you to make use of the wardrobe I provided!”
Adam rolled his eyes and slammed his door shut. Fucking prick, ordering him around. 
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songhunter · 1 year ago
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trans allegory in mystic fragrance and forbidden rain
aka: the essay no one asked for
Content warnings for: Discussions of homophobia and transphobia, and brief mentions of suicide.
If you guys have any other comments on this topic (especially KnightsPs, I'm an UNDEADP so I'm less familiar with their lore) please comment or rb or drop an ask or anything! I love talking. It's also been a hot minute (3 or 4 years) since I last took an English class so my analysis is a little rusty.
Part 1: UNDEAD's "Monster" and Queerness
Every UNDEAD song (with one exception) has the same premise — the singers are the impure, immoral monsters who are singing to a pure, human audience. There are two genres of UNDEAD song:
“I’m a monster seducing you into the darkness, give into your desires because I know that secretly you want it too” — Immoral World, Savage Love Affair, etc.
“I’m a monster and I’m so badass” — Darkness 4, Nightless World, etc.
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Darkness 4 lyrics, translation by Shirayukin on Fandom wiki.
The “monster” in UNDEAD’s music is shorthand for anyone that exists outside of a pure society. By joining the monsters, you become tainted and can't return to society, but that’s the only way you can possibly live as your authentic self. In this way, the "darkness" is a safe space that these monsters have created for themselves.
This is, of course, a reference to Rei and how he feels ostracized from society -- the whole reason why Koga began UNDEAD was as a message to Rei that if Rei felt like a monster, he shouldn't roll over and die, but live with them as an undead. However, the concept of the queer monster is incredibly applicable imo. Historically, lots of villains in horror media were queer-coded as a way of eliciting disgust or a fear response, as a way of making its villain seem strange and, well, queer. (Oh, no! Look at all these horrible people ruining life for the law-abiding families!) The link between queerness and horror has been analyzed to death.
But queer people also love the misunderstood monster who's shunned by "proper" society. The gothic novels that originated the horror genre in the 1800s, like Dracula or the Picture of Dorian Grey, were written by queer authors and/or contained scores of queer themes. Do I need to go into why werewolves, shapeshifters who had to go deep into the woods to hide their wolf form, can be read as queer? Do I need to go into why Frankenstein, someone abandoned by his own creator and shunned by society by the nature of his existence alone (something out of his control), can be read as queer? Do I really need to go into why the modern-day vampire is queer? Vampires? Of course queer people will love these monsters, because they see themselves in the monsters, more so than the victims. (Also, nothing more in line with the queer experience than seeing a monster and going “ngl they're kinda hot actually.”)
In summary: It's very easy to read UNDEAD songs and UNDEAD's conceptualization of the "monster" through a queer lens. The monster is queer, and the monster welcomes you into the darkness and invites you to also give into your desire to live freely.
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Immoral World lyrics, translation by Mandy on Fandom wiki.
Also, shout out the love you tried to hide, huh? Show me your truth? Show me your pride?
Dude.
Dude.
Sidenote: The one exception to this “monster” theme is of course the elephant in the room, Sustain Memories. I think it plays well into UNDEAD’s image — at least in !-era, Rei, Adonis, and Koga have always been the monsters, while Kaoru is the human that joined them (see: their Halloween costumes in !-era). So Kaoru doesn’t sing of monsters, he sings of a human love. There's also something to be said about Kaoru being the one member of UNDEAD who tried so desperately to appear cishet and experience a "normal" love in !-era. But also, it's a wedding song because the anime boys look cute when they sing about weddings.
Part 2: What about Forbidden Rain?
Here's the thing about UNDEAD's other monster songs -- they're always proud of being monsters. They're not ashamed, and they want the audience to join them in their freedom.
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Forbidden Rain lyrics, translation by @/snaketaper on Twitter.
On the other hand, the singer in Forbidden Rain sees themselves as a "beast" who can never be forgiven, someone who's slowly poisoning their pure lover. They love them so much that they apparently have to let go of them, for their own sake. It's the first song that actually contains references to genuine love (usually UNDEAD is just horny).
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The song remains sort of ambiguous about the nature of the relationship between the singer and the audience. It's clear that the audience does actually care for the singer, since they do reach out a "gentle hand" that the singer can't take. But the singer says, "Let's end this thing that never even began" -- are they even together in the first place? Maybe it never began because they were scared of the "beast." Or maybe it never truly began because the relationship was built on a lie. They sing about a beast inside them that they have to hide, and says that their current self -- the one they show to the audience -- is a fake. And this is something that cannot be forgiven.
It's not hard to read this in the context of queerness. Maybe it's about a gay singer who doesn't want to reveal their feelings and tarnish a platonic relationship. Or maybe it's a trans singer who's wracked with guilt at keeping their identity under wraps and hasn't come out to their heterosexual lover, so they want to break off things before they come out and taint their previous relationship.
In Love & Beast, the "source material" behind Forbidden Rain, Inogari (Adonis' character) is soft-spoken, protective, and kind. He saves the main police character in the very first scene. He's an ambassador and a respected enough member of society that he's part of the Sakurayama (Rei's character) social club. He uses "watashi," which is even more polite than Adonis' "ore." He literally faints at the sight of blood. He's the picture of innocence and goodness and all that society approves of. But in a Jekyll and Hyde-like twist, he ends up secretly being the killer Beast. In the end, the Beast is finally caught when Inogari realizes the truth and chains himself to a wall so he can be caught by the police in an act of sacrifice.
Inogari is the picture of propriety, but he keeps the Beast repressed, and eventually this Beast destroys him. Even if you try your best to act as part of proper society, you'll never really fit in.
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Silent Oath lyrics, translation by royalquintet on Fandom wiki.
Another note: Forbidden Rain has a lot of the same themes of self-sacrifice, repression, and pure, romantic love that Knights songs do. Knights, in game, is a much more traditional idol unit than UNDEAD is. Forbidden Rain thus attempts to align itself more closely with the socially acceptable Knights, but it's still an UNDEAD song at its core. The monster is inescapable.
Part 3: Mystic Fragrance and Trans Allegory
This thread by @/pretty5P on twitter (https://x.com/pretty5p/status/1625958198623539200?s=46&t=lm_x5Uw5f8pKXHUoLzYksw) is a really cool analysis on the perfume symbolism in the song and how it relates to Arashi's gender identity (go read it!!), but if you don’t want to give Elon Musk ad revenue, the gist of it is this: Odette is her "masculine" initial impression, the impression others have of her, and the impression that fades most quickly. Odile is her lasting "feminine" self and the true self that remains when the top notes fade away.
Over the course of the song, the singer (Odette/Odile) grows more and more tainted, going from a pure white dress to a multicolored rainbow dress to a pitch black dress. The final perfume note is desire, the desire to live as themselves, the desire to be with the person they love.
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Mystic Fragrance lyrics, translation by KYM2020 on Fandom wiki.
While the song does focus on a pure romantic love, just like Knight's songs, the symbolism of wanting to be Odile is far more similar to UNDEAD's monster. The idea of a "hidden desire" lying in wait beneath pure feelings is explored in almost every song, as is the symbolism of a dress that gets tainted by desire:
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Savage Love Affair lyrics, translation by Nina on Fandom wiki.
And just like UNDEAD songs, the "tainting" of the pure is never presented as a bad thing. Note the references to the moon in both -- it's only in the dead of night, in a midnight ballroom, that one can "spread their wings" and reveal their true self. The darkness, the space of monsters, is a safe space, and in the light of the truth-seeking moon the singer of Mystic Fragrance says that their audience is beautiful.
In the original Swan Lake ballet, Odette is a beautiful woman who falls in love with Prince Siegfried. She's cursed to transform into a swan in the daytime, a curse that can only be broken if someone who has never sworn their love to anyone swears their love to her (in other words, someone untainted). Unfortunately, the evil sorcerer who cursed her turns his daughter into Odile, the black swan who looks identical to Odette, and Siegfried mistakenly confesses his love to her. Knowing that the curse can never be broken, Odette throws herself into the lake rather than live the rest of her life as a swan, and Siegfried joins her.
Mystic Fragrance isn't tragic, however.
Part 4: Living your truth
The endings of Forbidden Rain and Mystic Fragrance are where they differ. Both of their source endings are tragic — Inogari is unable to control the Beast and shackles himself to a wall, waiting to be arrested. Odette and Siegfried leap into a lake and drown themselves, because the only way they can be together is in death. Forbidden Rain ends with the singer holding their loved one close to them one last time in the rain before they leave.
But Arashi rejects her source material because she chooses to embrace the monster. She becomes Odile. She decides to live her truth, and as the top notes and heart notes fade away, all that lingers is her true self. That's why Mystic Fragrance has a happy ending.
There's a lot of symbolism in the Mystic Fragrance music video with respect to the person who loved Arashi during the war era and who killed themselves. She spreads her arms like the wings of an angel and sings in front of a setpiece that looks like the cenotaph. Her outfit contains anemones, symbols of a lost love and grief (and, coincidentally, the flower that Adonis in greek myth turned into when he died). Her greatest regret was that that person couldn't love themselves the way Arashi now tries to love herself. In this way, Mystic Fragrance is like a message to that person -- live your truth.
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hikaaa-bi · 1 year ago
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one thing that i love about infinity train is how REAL the characters are, despite being in a fantasy setting, and the narrative of how experiences shape individuals. the way they speak and act are so realistic, their choices are understandable and their arcs are so well-written. all of the characters have glaring flaws they need to work on, but it's also clear that these flaws are the results of some kind of trauma or the way they were treated.
tulip was disillusioned with the world, angry and distant. and this is a direct reaction to her parents' divorce and her inability to cope with it. which is sympathetic, of course, it's a hard thing to go through as a child. the show also reveals that tulip blames herself for her parents' divorce, which can hit close to home for many people.
lake was similarly angry and defiant, even outright hostile in certain situations. again, this comes as a response to the way she was treated in the train, the way she was never granted her freedom and individuality, and how she was trapped in a role she didn't want to play. it's no wonder that many queer people identify so much with lake, because the rules of the train mirrors real life.
jesse has people-pleasing tendencies that reach the point where it actually hurts people. we've all seen protagonists who are people pleasers or eager to appear likeable to people, but usually it only hurts themselves. jesse's case is the prime example of "a friend to all is a friend to none". you can't please everyone, there are people you should oppose or ignore. otherwise, you end up hurting people who actually matters in your life.
simon and grace are straight-up villains, or anti-villains at the very best. grace is manipulative and cunning, playing on people's feelings and insecurities to serve herself. simon is controlling and somewhat egotistic, refusing to change his mindset, regardless of what happens. again, both these characters are shown to have reasons for why they became what they are, even if it doesn't justify their actions. grace grew up in an environment where she was neglected and felt lonely, and found out that her only sure way of making any sort of connection is to manipulate people. simon is implied to have dealt with someone's death before he got on the train, since he seems to have an idea of what funerals are like. that, paired with samantha the cat accidentally leaving him behind in a crucial and dangerous situation, he develops some very intense abandonment issues. again, both these issues can be very relatable to a lot of people, even if we aren't as bad as either of these characters.
min-gi was shown to be insecure and uncertain, but at the same time, arrogant and condescending. the pressure he recieved from his parents has fueled his gifted child syndrome while simultaneously making him depressed and burned out. ryan is probably the closest we have to a "conventional main character", hyperactive and quirky. but he is also not exactly perfect in all other aspects, as he wants to push things forward and refuses to give min-gi some time to think and make a decision. as a child who grew up with lots of other siblings, ryan struggles to prove himself to his family, since they don't seem to pay him much attention. both these scenarios are especially relatable to asians, but of course, anyone who may have trouble pleasing their parents and living up to expectations.
i just gave a character analysis of each protagonist, but my point is that while other cartoon protagonists tend to lean more on the heroic side, the characters in this show doesn't. in most other animated shows i've watched, the flaws a protagonist is allowed to have are either "heroic" flaws such as being too forgiving or being self-sacrificing, or shallow flaws such as clumsiness or being kind of an idiot.
but not in infinity train. the protagonists in this show aren't heroes, they are normal people. they don't have a magical destiny, they don't have to fight for the good of the world, they aren't the "chosen ones". their ultimate goal is to get out of the train (or in simon and grace's case, to be superior to everyone else, to "win").
so it really feels good when one of the characters does choose to do something nice. when tulip chooses to empathize with and help amelia, when lake bonds with alan dracula and jesse. when grace chooses to change for the better and face the consequences of her actions. when ryan chooses to stay with min-go despite getting a door, and when min-gi does the same later on.
i watched this show about a year ago, and it's still one of the best animated shows i've watched. it's so uncomfortably real sometimes, you stop and go "am i like that?" when a character does something wrong, you know that the show addresses it and their actions have consequences. the show doesn't hand out redemption arcs to everyone or sweep things under the rug like some shows *cough* steven universe and she-ra *cough*
there's a reason why a lot of people seem to relate more to villains than heroes, because villains are allowed to be flawed while also being sympathetic. infinity train managed to create a cast of protagonists who are exactly like that. they are more than heroes, they are people.
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simonnebethel · 9 months ago
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🩸Beta Reader Call for A Chant For Blood🩸
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Would appreciate a boost if you can 👉👈 Huzzah!!! I have finally finished editing A Chant For Blood(for now). I am now officially looking for beta readers. I don't mind if you don't have any experience, just looking for readers and writers who enjoy fantasy and gothic horror ^^ all I ask is that you're 18+ and to read the content warnings.
Some info about the story:
🫀Title of Story: A Chant for Blood (The Helminth Mother Book 1)
🖤Word Count: 116k(will probably not send it all at once, as I know 116k can be overwhelming to some.)
🫀Genre: High Victorian Fantasy, Gothic Horror
🖤CW: Blood, violence, gore, mentions of fantasy racism, worms, body horror, disembodied voices, brief mentions of sexual content, manipulative characters, decaying corpses, mild profanity.
🫀This story also contains: Queer characters, eldritch beings, religious motives, a victorian-fantasy world, knight-lady character, blood-drinking character, magic, non-human characters, main character with mysterious heritage, ancient haunted temples, otherworldly portals, and many, many, worms 🪱
🖤Synopsis: Karliah Helisende doesn’t know how to feel about her current status in life. The highest ranking soldier in the country of Ostrein, and she can’t command a single army. On a particular rainy morning, her superiors give her a strange task; find the man who is killing citizens and leaving their bodies on the streets. She eventually finds the elusive creature, whose name she learns is Yorick Gwynplaine, but at the same time learns that he is just one of many people and monsters that spawned from mysterious portals that have been appearing all over the world. They both decide to work as a team; Karliah will find a way to take him back to his own world, and Yorick will keep his blood-thirsty hunger under control.
Karliah had assumed these tasks would be easy, if not for the Sanctum haunting her every step. An ancient temple resting in the Bauknan Mountains, she has known of it’s foreboding presence ever since she arrived to the gas-lit streets of Isarnan. It whispers indecipherable and enigmatic secrets in her ear, and only grows by the day. It’s sickness infects her very being and soon, affects her decisions. The people around notice her growing darkness, but fail to stop her as she digs her own grave. As the Sanctum’s incoherent whispers become intelligent mutterings, she pushes herself to finish the task that was set before her from the very beginning, no matter how many people she has to push away.
🫀Feedback I'm looking for: Anything about the story! I've only ever shown this to a few people before, so I want to know what parts are weak and what parts are strong. If there are any major grammar problems, I would like to know, although I think I have gotten most of them by now. I would like to know how the character's relationships work, and how certain plot points left you feeling. Also, how obvious some of the plot twists are because I feel like some are sort of..in your face. I will be setting up feedback questionnaires soon, so they will be ready for when you finish!
Check the #a chant for blood tag for excerpts and info if you want to see more before signing up!
Here is the google form to fill out. Your email will not be collected, and if you have any questions or need clarifcation don't be afraid to dm me or leave a comment ^^ Google Form link
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ignitesthestxrs · 1 year ago
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embarassment is cringe who's your bias
oh LOL dw dw i am not literally embarrassed! more just, mindful of audience u know? but also ur my audience now
i am not really a person who tends towards Biases, but here are some guys that i really love atm!
SHINee's Key - look i love all members of shinee, they probably are my ult group these days, but if you forced me at gun point to pick one it would be This Guy. key is kind of the embodiment of the tension of how faggy can you be in public without ever coming out and - well, coming out. i also have a deep respect for how much effort he puts into his solo career, and how interesting and innovative his album concepts have been esp since he got back from the military
Exo's Kai - ah my precious Nini who is here with us largely to vibe. i think he's such a great example of like, how you can be totally hands off in terms of the creative direction of your albums LOL and still be a great performer? this man lip synced his way through his own concert and looked great doing it, 10/10. but i also love just how much he clearly loves his job and meeting other idols and getting to go on tv shows and learn new things about people and the world LOL a giant puppy of a man
TXT's Soobin - speaking of giant puppy men, this is one of my Large Son's Whom I Adore. my fave thing about soobin is that he's like. never held more than a single thought in his head at one time, and everyone he has ever met adores him? like every 4th gen group has a member who is just completely enamoured with soobin, and soobin does not appear to have done anything in particular to have earned this other than being a big guy who likes anime and hedgehogs. i also enjoy how everyone in his group agreed that he needed to be the leader, especially the guys (yeonjun and taehyun) who might have preferred to be the leader themselves, specifically because they knew giving it to the guy who didn't want it the way that they did would probably be a better outcome for the group. amazing head empty man. he's so tall.
Zerobaseone's Hanbin - something is wrong with this man (positive) (fond). no uh, this is a man who has gone to great lengths to change both his physical appearance and personal affect in order to take one last shot at achieving his kpop dreams and something is wrong with ME for how feral this makes me. another guy in the 'legibly queer' column (as in, he was a competitive waacker and faggy as hell doing it lmfao like, sure i'm sure there are straight guys who waack but at a certain point you're allowed to start assuming Gay instead of defaulting Straight ok). he is a control freak. he said his favourite type of person is someone who is competent but pretends not to be so that he can do things instead. one time he was so horrified by his member wearing socks on the bed that he REMOVED THAT BOY'S SOCKS FOR HIM? ON CAMERA? HANBIN WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOU
WayV's Kun - the dad to end all dads. i have endless leader feelings about this man, who is the leader of SM's final push to conquer the China market that was actually going really well until [redacted], and suddenly Kun is the leader of a group that has members in different countries, that cannot promote in China while the pandemic is going on and cannot promote in Chinese while in Korea. technically WayV is under the umbrella of the broader NCT group, but xenophobia will have stans staying 'they just don't vibe for some reason'. this man's group was shelved for over a year due to international geopolitics and he held it and them together admirably, and it's been SO good to see WayV employed in 2023 and gaining momentum again. also he can fly a plane ( a real one), somehow made PUBG hot by being very good at it, and one time he was live and you just heard from the background one of his members yelling from the shower KUN GE THERE'S NO HOT WATER, like, every man in this group just has it hard wired into their brain that if there is a problem, kun ge will fix it. and he does.
honestly i could probably go for longer, there are a lot of boys i have a lot of feelings about s o b.
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selfshippingtrash · 2 years ago
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Spidersona info dump cause I have no character limit here.
They're name is sugar crawler unless someone comes up with something better
Sugar Crawler, or Viva Marisol, was bitten at the age of 14. They have organic webs that shoot from their arms like the original Toby Spiderman. They can stick to walls but also have retractable talons that they can use to dig into walls and use in combat. Like spiders have their sense, sugar crawler has the additional power to read the minds of anyone they want to exploit their weaknesses, like how certain spiders have the instict to know a prey's weakness. This makes them an excellent negotiator and manipulator with enemies and people trying to find out their secret identity. They have fangs but no lethal venom. Instead, this venom can be used to control the minds of people who are injected, something that only works for a short time but can be very effective against enemies not wearing thick clothing or armor. Similar to Miles' ability to cloak, they can shift their body to mimic other people's appearance. Only human beings, though, and they don't have the person's voice, so it can be pretty noticeable once they open their mouth. They do try to do voices in their spare time to help with this.
Sugar finds out about the spiderverse through an anomaly that occurs in their timeline when they're about 27 years old. They are found fighting the anomalous villan by Hobie and told about spider society bluntly. They're incredibly interested in seeing new worlds and meeting new spiders. Hobie enjoys their genuine nature and sunny spirit and introduces them to the bossman Miguel if not to just fuck with him that day too. Hobie likes to cause problems for people who need em and I'm here for that chaotic energy.
They find themselves getting closer with Hobie and his friends, being overwhelmed by the sheer amount of spider people there are to even try and socailize on their own. The only little bit they have is that familiarity at first, but they find comradery in their mutual love of the arts, being queer as fuck, causing problems on purpose and hating the British government.
Miguel is impressed by their work over time. They're quick and efficient, taking every case he gives them with little collateral damage. They're a hard worker when they need to be, but they’re quick to snap back at him when he’s rude. They still demand a level of respect out of him and when you're dealing with someone that can read and control your mind, you kind of have to respect them.
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gromellette · 2 years ago
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what's your thought crime Opinions
how nice of you to ask!
as a disclaimer, this is less about the commonly discussed concepts of mental illness & harmless sexual/romantic fantasies seen under the original post and more about the less than normal kinds of thoughts that can be harder to talk about in a neutral way for a lot of people. proceed with caution, i suppose.
i don't have anything to say about thought crime that hasn't already been said, i think. but i do hold, from my experience, controversial & unpopular opinions surrounding thoughts, desires, attractions, urges, and feelings vs. actions where it relates to violence and sexuality.
i don't immediately reign judgement on people who experience some or all of the above surrounding the likes of incest, pedophilia, necrophilia, bestiality, non/dubious consent/rape, mutilation/murder, etc. these things would be undoubtedly unethical and, to most, detestable to act on, but simply experiencing those feelings & thinking those thoughts & having those urges or desires is not something i'm interested in demonizing someone for. human beings are incapable of controlling their thoughts/feelings/attractions. if we weren't, we would never feel anxiety or grief or anger, people with OCD & intrusive thoughts would eliminate them before they appeared, queer people in conservative spaces and/or grappling with internalized homophobia would simply choose to not be queer. we know this isn't how it works, so why would it be any different for the unsavory ones, the socially unacceptable?
this isn't to say it's just chill that some people sit around having fantasies about certain things; i do think destigmatizing needs to also come with unpacking and rehabilitation where appropriate and measures to prevent violent acts, but the cultural obsession with morality is probably my biggest gripe with the conversation surrounding violent thoughts and violence in general; how morality is the highest priority, the means by which we must categorize the world in terms of "good" people and "bad" people, the end all be all to understanding and solving the issue of violence and, therefore, the only thing that really matters when observing these categorically "bad" people². all this, despite the fact that morality is entirely subjective and does nothing to actually prevent or treat violence because one's perception of right and wrong varies widely from person to person depending on endless variables. contrary to popular belief, the world cannot be broken down into such simple parts; good and bad, right and wrong, just and unjust. the world is nuanced, gray, and not altogether easy to understand.
i'm as passionate as i am about this (and about protecting freedom of speech and expression in fictional media where this topic is concerned too, another conversation altogether) because the shame and dehumanizing that happens in response to someone expressing violent thoughts or compulsions is what ultimately leads to real life harm¹. i believe it's important to foster an environment where people can feel comfortable talking about these things because with that comes feeling comfortable asking for help and preventing violence from the start, which is ultimately what we want, right? to listen to, show compassion for, and aid people with "immoral" thoughts (and predators, while we're at it) is to participate in creating a safe community for everyone³.
punishment begets more violence, not less, and it's troubling how popular the opposite sentiment seems to be. i'm frankly tired of seeing people make black and white moral judgements that are not at all black and white (i.e. thinking about something one has never acted on). it's okay to feel a way about things but, as far as i'm concerned, a person's actions are far more important than what goes on inside their head, or what they choose to write, draw, read, or watch for that matter (unless it's legitimate pornography involving real life parties right like obviously that is very bad because it results in and perpetuates real life harm, lets be reasonable here BUT even in these cases, the answer is not to demonize. there could be cases in which a person might very well be incapable of change or remorse (debatable) and in those cases, sure, but i believe the majority of the time such violence can be not only treated, but prevented by recognizing their humanity and doing what we can to foster it. the ultimate goal being, of course, to prevent violence. but i digress, that is another conversation also lol)
¹ James Gilligan has talked extensively on this topic, the correlation between shame & violence, and how treatable and preventable it really is if we could dispel the notion that predators are inhuman, some sort of separate evil species incapable of treatment and understanding and "deserving" of punishment. His book, Preventing Violence, is a great place to start, or this interview if you can't access it (highly recommend, it is a fascinating read). ² See also James Gilligan. Morality is the Problem, where he talks about morality as a means to justify violence on both sides of the coin.
³ i also feel it necessary to make clear that it's not anyone's, and particularly any victim's, responsibility to bear the burden of showing compassion to or otherwise protecting someone who has harmed or wanted to harm others. i just hope to highlight the importance of recognizing and considering the humanity in those individuals because the most effective way of changing someone for the better is allowing them the space to do so, should they be receptive to it. because monsters don't exist, human beings who do unforgivable things do. and, yes, even those human beings need compassion from others.
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hyperpostmodernfeminist · 9 months ago
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Scavenger Hunt #4: Hair
I saw a video online a long time back talking about how different gendered/sexual groups treat their hair in relation to a mental health crisis and it will never not be interesting how one of the first things that people preter to change about their appearance is their hair. What is funny about this and the reason why I write about this currently is that hair is not just a specific aesthetic, it's essentially a state of being.
The presence of hair marks a specific arrangement of the body aligning with cultural norms, with it acting as a representation of your entire being within circumstances. A "bad hair day" is not just reflective of the hair, but of your entire day. Hair, as the easiest part of the body to change (and therefore the best way to understand someone's identity) is a big point within tons of aesthetics and political ideologies, whether we consciously have that idea or not. For instance, modern professionalism arises out of this idea that one must be clean, unkempt, pure, and where better to control that than hair? Naturally, this white professionalism excludes any and all black hairstyles, but it also inadvertently chips at individual white practices.
For buzzcuts, they're a heterosexual return to masculinity. As men are told that they need short hair to be real men, their crises tend to result in the emulation of the system to its logical extremities to balance out their faults. A sort of "if I'm good at this, I'll hurt less"
To messily cut your bangs is the white feminine response to the logic of society: it's a reaction and a temporary personal liberation from gendered ideas of what it means to be a "proper" long-haired and neat woman. To bleach your hair is a revolt, possibly arising from the specters of 2000s pop music and the gay culture surrounding that era, that positions your hair color as "freakish" and adoring that freakishness, that queerness.
Hair is malleable and changeable. By changing it in a moment of panic, we are changing our entire selves. Society might be about as changeable as hair is. Just as we can queer hair, we can queer society and radically change it to fit our needs. We can cut harmful structures and mold beneficial ones to be better for us. We can create an entirely new world.
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agitowarrioroftheforest · 1 year ago
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So this answer is more about body horror and queer libration, and I have no idea how this will land because this movie doesn’t explicitly say the character is trans (I think he is lol), but here me out:
There is this really interesting way of approaching body horror in the anime film Origin: Spirits of the Past (EN title) AKA Giniro no Kami no Agito (JP title) that came out in 2006.
I really like how in this film, the specific body horror of plants growing from skin is not seen as horrifying to the main character Agito or the town he grew up in.
There is a character displaced from a 100s of years past(this movie is post apocalyptic) who is extremely uncomfortable with it, but Agito, when he comes back from the woods changed- literally making a fae deal in exchange for the power to protect his people and said woods- he sees it as a new part of himself and accepts it. Is at peace with it. Actually states he wants it in the first scene he speaks in - fully knowing it he will need to adjust to new changes happening to his body.
I should mention that the process of decay is not seen as a horrible thing in the movie’s world, nor is letting the this fae forest alter you and become part of you. It changes Agito and the others with this power’s bodies but unlike many cases of body horror in other films, it doesn’t destroy them for it. It just transforms them.
Additionally, the things that make Agito strange and monstrous and horrific to the military state (that is set up in the desert next to his town and wishes to destroy the forest) are what the film frames as the things that make him strong, his powers, the changes to his appearance, his love for his people etc.
Also the fact that there’s an older woman with this same power that helps Agito get used to the new changes because she experienced them as well, is particularly powerful. They are something the film frames as an inseparable part of himself and something he deliberately wanted for himself even with the cost. (Those with this power eventually fully become trees when they have overused it, this movie doesn’t shy away from that full body transformation either)
I should add that Agito is also told at one point by that character from the past who thinks she is saving him, that “We can return your body to normal” and he fully rejects that, saying that no one forced him to be this way.
The body horror in this film is only seen as horror to those who refuse to understand it and seek to control or destroy it. And continue to see those with it as monsters. But in the story itself and especially the way this is animated, plants growing from skin looks beautiful. Lovingly animated.
It probably wasn’t intentional but that idea, that what makes Agito’s body other and strange are not things he or anyone should be ashamed of, sounds like one of the pillars behind queer liberation as a concept. That queer people shouldn’t need to conform or assimilate to a society that hates them, they should be free to be their whole selves. Obviously it’s not a perfect allegory but it’s definitely something i’ve found a lot of comfort in as a trans guy (points at the name i chose for myself ahaha….).
Idk if this is even close to what you were looking for with the original question. I don’t think i’d call the movie itself horror but given it’s spooky month, I keep thinking about this use of body horror specifically. If you read through all this, thank you for listening to my unhinged ramble.
Oh. Yeah I should also mention Agito goes from looking like this to looking like this after his transformation. So there is also. that.
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it's october. what are some thoughts y'all have on trans horror (both in media & how trans people are seen with horror in culture)
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vampelune · 3 years ago
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kamukomahina gender/body headcanons
a bit of a ramble about my body, gender, and general appearance headcanons for them bcuz someone sent me a curiouscat prompting this 3k words of hyperfixation nonsense
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Komaeda:
- He has a naturally lithe body, with a thin waist, broad shoulders and hips, which give him an hourglass. and a rather andrognyous body, which is "lucky" for him, because I hc him as nonbinary and gender non-conforming
- Gender-wise, as I said, I think he's nonbinary. Usually I do view Nagito as AMAB but I indulge in transmasc Nagito from time to time depending on my preference and how much I wish to uh, well, project, lol. But either way I think he would use he/they pronouns in a western sense. In japanese, however, they don't use third person pronouns that other people refer to them with, and in canon he uses the first person pronoun "boku", which is a "soft" masculine pronoun, in comparison to the "hard" masculine pronoun, “ore” (which Hajime uses btw!) which fits quite nicely, in my opinion! Also, in Japanese, you can be 'fluid' with your first person pronouns depending on the situation, so I think he could use more neutral or feminine pronouns should he desire it, too, to play on his gender non-conformity.
- Komaeda is very secure in his gender, regardless of being AMAB or AFAB. He does not care about stigma, or discrimination, he does not care about being "accepted" by broader society. Broader society is sort of meaningless to him, the average person and their ideas about gender and presentation and effeminity mean NOTHING to him. Whether or not a random person the street genders him correctly or treats him with respect is sort of, pointless? Because to him, most ordinary people are pointless nobodies. Their thoughts do not matter to him. I think he is still prone to insecurity, however, when around his "betters" but I just struggle to think he would degrade himself in regards to gender. to him, it's the least of his problems. what he cares about is hope and talent. He could dress femininely or wear makeup or straight up crossdress and not mind it, really. He thinks people would find a problem with it are the problem, because why does it even matter? It speaks to the way Komaeda is detached from societal norms & "normal" people, he did not grow up in normal circumstances, so he doesn't interact with the world normally by any means. he can mask and act normally to the best of his ability, often unintentionally?, but he simply does not fit into broader society and doesn't seek to.
- Komaeda loses weight really easily, and doesn't gain weight that well. This is mainly due to his many illnesses but also the medications he's been put on. He has a low appetite and burns weight rather easily, even though I headcanon that he eats like garbage (mainly junk food & takeout, since he obviously cannot cook). This makes him overall, health wise, not very healthy, and stick thin because of it. A stiff breeze could knock him over, tbh.
- He has a lot of faded scars, self-inflicted or not.
- Pre-despair (in HPA) he is fairly healthy but still lithe, and progressively his body deteriorates through his 2 years of hopes peak before the Tragedy begins.
- During the Tragedy itself, his body is at it's worst. he is almost nothing but bone at times, barely kept together by a need to live so he can see hope triumph. His weight fluctuates but he's very unhealthy. He's not anorexic or on death's door, but he's not well off, either.
- After being put into the neo world program, right after waking up, he's very, very thin and gaunt. he was in a pod on feeding tubs for an indiscernible but at least probably a month's worth of time? So he's just very weak, like he could collapse if he moves too quickly.
- But a while after waking, he goes into remission, and starts to gain more healthy habits due to being rehabilitated and cared for by Hinata, and gains some weight, finally at a healthy, normal weight. I still think he would struggle with putting on too much weight, but I am slightly fond of the idea that he gets a bit of healthy pudge after a while. To him, it's so foreign being healthy, that he honestly think something's wrong with him at first.
Hinata:
- Hinata has a very... average body, true to form. His hips and waist aren't too pronounced but he has a loosely "hourglass" shape, too, just not as exaggerated as Komaeda's in comparison.
- Gender-wise, I am EXTREMELY fond of transmasc Hinata. While I think I portray AMAB Hinata more than transmasc Hinata (in art and writing), I still firmly prefer transmasc Hinata. The reason I think portray otherwise more is just out of comfortability, but I've been getting better at comfortably portraying FTM Hinata. I have some reasons I prefer it and think you can extrapolate it from canon, but let's get into that
- Hinata, in my eyes, has an arc and story that fits perfectly into him just. Being trans. His desire to be someone else, someone better, someone he can proud of, and the way he overcompensates for himself and has an extreme inferiority complex would easily lend to him having similar feelings about his gender. To me, Hinata is a trans man who overperforms his masculinity out of insecurity and a need to pass. I see him as someone who would strictly use "he/him" in a western sense, which is lended to by his use of the "ore" pronoun in canon, which is almost hypermasculine.
- Even if he were AMAB, I think it still works, I think he's still someone who's insecure and tries to assert himself more strongly and therefore performs masculinity in a way to appear more confident than he is.
(side note: I actually read a bit about queerness in Japan and how it relates to gender performance and the use of pronouns, and read a bit about how queer women in japan tend to use "boku" and "ore" to perform masculinity, which I find neat. “Ore” was also sometimes used exclusively to show anger and dominance, which is why it's categorized as a "rough" pronoun. I think Japanese language, gender, and expression, and how those all relate to one another, are extremely interesting and if you get the time you should read about it lol)
- Body-wise, pre-despair, I think Hinata would. not have top surgery, obviously. I think he has a fairly average but leaning a little on the hefty side chest (pre-op) and binds it, hence the '91 cm' (but also he still has 91 cm post-op because bazongas). I also just think he leans on the "twunk" side of things at this point, not buff but not stick thin or without muscle, just kind of average with average strength and all, though I think Hinata would've tried to do sports and stuff to find his talent so he's in shape :)
- My personal, kind of amusing, but also kind of... thematical? Headcanon, is that during the Kamukura project, he also underwent gender transition. to be honest, while it may not make sense in modern Japan, I think we can suspend our disbelief for fiction, and also make the argument that Hinata's "transition" into Kamukura CAN be read, in some part, as relatable or at least familiar to the trans experience. Iit is not out of the realm of possibility, either, to assume that because many bits of society in Danganronpa are advanced (specifically science, is extremely ahead of our understanding, almost sci-fi like at times) certain attitudes about gender and sexuality can be smoothed over more in a Japanese context.
(side note: I also think that science-wise, we can suspend our disbelief, and assume that top surgery and bottom surgery are much more advanced in this universe, given the almost unbelievable levels of science in Danganronpa, such as memory wipe, mind control, completely realistic virtual simulation, um literally everything about Kamukura which is body modification and brain modification to an extreme, etc. I think it's kind of fitting within these to assume that... Hinata/Kamukura could just, gain a functioning penis, lol)
Kamukura:
- Kamukura would have a. "Perfect" body. it's stated, I'm pretty sure, that they modified not only his brain but his body, because he needs to be able to perform every talent under their belt with ease, and his strength, instincts, technique, are all superhuman. So it's clear to me he'd have a buff body. toned muscles and all. He wouldn't really feel a need to keep it up, though, but I think since they're very... artificial (basically fucking steroids?) they wouldn't fade from a lack of keep-up.
- Kamukura also rarely ever is injured, but when he does, his body heals rather fast and can care for himself adequately, because again, his body is modified to a point of almost inhumanity.
- Gender wise, Kamukura genuinely does not care. however, I am not one to think that Kamukura is "a different person" from Hinata, rather, he is separate from Hinata, but an extension of Hinata as well, proven that he experiences some of his emotions even if subconsciously and without understanding them. he isn't a different personality or person developed in Hinata's body, but a very traumatizing, repressed, and manipulated version of Hinata given a new name, with memories repressed. He's like Theseus's ship in human form---if you get rid of everything that makes someone themselves and replace it, bit by bit, is it the same person? Technically, yes, but... truly? Who knows. 
Because of this, I think Kamukura would have a leaning toward masculine gender performance (in canon, in fact, he uses the soft masculine pronoun "boku" in stead of "ore" like Hinata) BUT I think he is still very nonbinary. In a western sense, i think he would use he/they pronouns, but not really care if someone mistook him for a woman, I suppose.
- His appearance, unironically, is very nonbinary or "he/they" to me because he's wearing a suit, the archetypal form of masculinity, but has extremely long hair, which is considered feminine, and speaks softly (dully). Of course, the bishounen "pretty boy" appearance isn't uncommon or considered less masculine in japan, I think, but there is still a different between soft masculinity and rough masculinity in japan, which lends itself to being interpreted sort of gender non-conforming by western audiences :)
- Kamukura, due to his apathy, struggles with self-maintaining, but as we all probably know i am extremely attached to KamuKoma and thus headcanon that Servant helps him, sort of like a royal servant would royalty in the old days, take care of himself by bathing him, brushing his hair out, grooming him, etc. partially out of duty, partially out of appreciation for Kamukura's body, and partially out of maintaining his sort of "perfect" look since Kamukura, especially post-Junko death, is perceived widely by the public as the new leader of the ultimate despair, even if he is ambivalent to such a title.
Post-DR3 Hinata/Kamukura combined:
As I rambled on about previously, I don't think that Kamukura and Hinata are separate people or personality, I really dislike the interpretation that they are like a "split personality" or operate like DID, because they do not "form" like DID, but also in canon, are not portrayed as separate people.
In post-dr3, Hinata instead says that he is both of them, because he is. Kamukura is Hinata, always was, but had been given a new, false identity, had been stripped of his previous self, his memories, his personality, and crafted into something new. but that did not "split" his brain into two people. It simply repressed who he once was, and made him someone he now was. But when Kamukura regains his memories, his past self, through the means of the new world program by restoring his own memories after SDR2 concludes and he wakes up, as well as doing the same for everyone else, he decides to be "Hajime Hinata" who he always was, but carrying and shouldering the weight of what "Izuru Kamukura" had been, become, and done. Hinata *is* Kamukura, he answers for Kamukura's wrongdoings, his crimes, as something he had done as a different person who's mind operated differently, due to being artificially suppressed, modified, into an apathetic tool for the scientists who made him, and later and aimless, bored individual who simply sought meaning he did not have in the unknown of what despair would be at it's climax. And if hope could overcome it.
As such, I think, when Hinata's self is brought back into the mix, and he now deals with Kamukura's apathy and boredom in part, but much less consuming and much less often, I think hinata is less staunchly "masculine", does not overperform it anymore, and is trying to understand what his past means to him, what his present is, and what his future will be. I think that Hinata would still primarily use he/him (or still use "ore" in Japanese, as it's also a means of his personality, which is a bit rough around the edges and blunt), but be more ambivalent to rigid gender expression, still finding comfort and idealness in masculinity, but not be made dysphoric or feel frightened, uncomfortable, with non-comformity or anything like that. being boyish, masculine, is what he enjoys, but he's comfortable in it now, doesn't need to prove himself or overperform it. He can explore nonconformity without feeling like his gender or masculinity is at threat, even if it's not his preference outright.
Body-wise, I think it's safe to say he retains Kamukura's muscle and all, but Kamukura didn't put much effort into the everyday machinations of being a human being in general, and Hinata is much more fond of food than him now, eats more often, and I enjoy the idea that he gains a little pudge and has a kind of "dad bod" almost, post-DR3? lol.
Both for Hinata and Kamukura I don't see their bodies as “bara” or overly buff, masculine, but a kind of comfortable middle ground between twunk and hunk, lmao. I think they're also averagely hairy, not overly so, very lightly. kind of well groomed, and all. Hinata, pre-despair, put not so much effort into his appearance but still some, especially in trying to pass. (In fact I think his hair cut looks like a home job, all choppy and stuff, which fits him in my opinion, something done by his own hands even if messy and imperfect, he still prefers to be in control of it. also fits the trans headcanon tehe).
Izuru put very little if any effort into himself, only the bare minimum necessary to function, but servant helped him upkeep it to a perfect standard. Hinata, post-dr3 now, finds himself putting you know, an average amount of care into himself and his body, enough to be healthy, but not overly critical and conscious of himself.
Komaeda i have always seen as someone who takes a good deal of care about himself, merely if to alleviate the "disgust" of his appearance and body, by practically preening himself. He is someone who is good at cleaning and seems to appreciate clean and well kept spaces, so I think he would have a similar attitude toward himself. even if he is insecure, and of course, struggles with mental health and may slip at times in his routine in keeping himself well-kept, I think he still maintains an appearance for the most part, at least in his later years (teen to young adult). An argument can be made that he cared less in his adolescence because he had much more apathy about the world, but when he gave himself a purpose with hope and talent, I think he would care for himself a little better, even if his was spiralling mentally.
His hair is always washed, it is just very curly and prone to mess, so it often looks like perpetual bedhead, even when he combs and brushes it. His skin is soft even if a little worn by his tendency for accidents & injury, it's still soft and almost luckily so, and he takes pride in moisturizing and cleaning himself. His skin is a little sickly, still, and I think that despite having blemishes, scars, etc. Komaeda manages to look pretty in a strange way, not conventionally beautiful, but almost ethereal? He's just *pretty*, there's no way to explain it, he is nice to look at even with all his "flaws" and imperfections. Even when he's sickly and bony, even when his cheeks are gaunt or his hands shaky and weak, when his hair is a tangled mess or his clothes are dirty, he's nice to look at in a way that's nonconventional, and it's sort of mesmerizing.
Hinata I think is very average but also in a way that's nice to look at it. He's not ground-breaking hot or conventionally attractive, he has a good body, a nice face, and hair you could play with a little if you wanted. I think what's appealing about him is his normalcy, he's not trying too hard or "gifted" gene wise, but he's just kinda nice to look at, he's enjoyable to be around, an understanding person, or at least tries to be even when he fails, and despite having flaws, insecurities, blunt, he is someone you're drawn to because he's one of those people that's just, easy to talk to? An emotional anchor, almost. The kind of guy everyone kind of knows and has talked to at least once, even if you're not friends with him personally, not because he's cool or popular or anything, but because he's a normal dude who's easy to trust and talk to.
Kamukura, on the other hand, is intimidating, appearance wise and personality wise. he looks, strange, anything but normal, his eyes are red and his hair is this dark cloud that envelops him. His face may still be that plain one Hinata has but faces can be changed by the surrounding attributes as well as expression and such is true for him, with his apathetic and cold expression as well as otherwordly characteristics, he comes off as much more beautiful in a dark way, kind of? In a way that's intimidating or a little daunting, but he's still very beautiful. mesmerizing.
okay, thats my ramble. ty.
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number1villainstan · 7 months ago
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OH RIGHT YOU SAID TO ELABORATE
uhhhh lemme see what i can pull from my brain soup rn. I definitely like all of what you said here, especially about not wanting to be human but still wanting that acceptance.
Another thing is: have you ever had a feeling of wanting to go home, but home is not somewhere you've ever been? Seeking the casual acceptance and belonging that humans give to other humans, but knowing that what you seek can only come from nonhumans? I think that's something Chisaki would feel like A Lot. Like somewhere out there there are entities and social groups where it would be an equal, where it would belong. Like-perhaps the fae, or some inhuman gods.
And it's not even just my queer/neurodivergent headcanons for him--by virtue of having the Overhaul Quirk, it would end up feeling alienated from its peers, in two possible ways: number one, in which Overhaul needs no mastery, things that are permanent to a normal child are perfectly reversible to someone like baby Chisaki. Number two, in which Overhaul needs to be controlled and trained and mastered: having godlike power in your hands that lashes out at completely random intervals--that could get people killed. You never know when it's going to activate, what you're going to destroy. Could be a pencil. Could be a wall. Could be a person. Your own mother calls you cursed--your classmates refuse to touch you--your teachers blame you for everything, like you're doing it on purpose. And then, somehow, you end up on the streets, and you are not, cannot be, a lost child. Instead you are a pest. A vermin. Something strange and diseased, something to ward off and get rid of. You were this to your classmates before you lived on the streets, but now you are even more so. You are not cursed--you are the curse. Any goodwill extended to you is suspect; too often that goodwill has the ulterior motive to exploit you.
What do you think that does to a person? When the entire world hates you, wants to crush you like a bug under its heel?
Like--and then there's Chisaki's aversion to touch. Touch, which is supposed to be a Good Thing that Humans Enjoy. Something that makes it so deeply stressed out that hives appear on its skin. Like--jesus fuck, how do you hold onto your humanity with that?
And so much of it really is a confidence issue, like you said, and it's an alienation issue, and it's an issue about its own lack of awareness of its own immutable traits and the lack of language it has to describe those traits. Chisaki doesn't feel human because no one ever told it that there were other humans like it out there.
HELLO HI YOU MENTIONED CHISAKI HAVING A COMPLEX RELATIONSHIP WITH HUMANITY AND I AM HERE TO HAPPY RANT ABOUT IT
it's like 2:30am and i should have gone to bed a while ago so this is gonna be a lil incoherent probably but anyways. yes. 100% yes i love that. i have so many ideas bouncing around my head about chisaki not being human, or like getting some secondary quirk in a secondary quirk wave that *makes* him (in his eyes) less than/not quite human, and also i sometimes use it/its pronouns for him because Reasons (i am projecting my own use of it/its onto him), and I also headcanon him as a) FtMtX (third gender/maverique), b) aroallo and gay and romance-repulsed, and c) autistic + low emotional empathy, and all of those things would 100% play into having a complicated and not-entirely-positive relationship with humanity in general (and his own humanity!) ESPECIALLY given that he spent formative years in the yakuza, which is bound to be a wildly conservative organization and an environment EXTREMELY hostile to several of those core immutable traits. ykno?
anyways you mentioned him having a complex relationship to other people/humans and humanity in general like he doesn't consider himself one so that's what prompted this. also please rant back i want to hear e v e r y t h i n g
Oh my god oh my god YES!! Okay I actually just woke up (yes my sleep schedule is fucked rn) so this is most definitely not gonna be coherent either buuut bro that is SO SIMILAR TO EXACTLY WHAT I WAS THINKINGGG
Okay this is by far the most difficult topic for me to try to articulate/explain bc I don’t really know how to, but I will try my damndest!! Yes. I think Chisaki has a very, very complicated relationship with both his own humanity and humanity as whole, in the way that he like. Does not view himself as human, and does not think of humans as the same as him, because they are on, like, separate playing fields. It’s not that he necessarily thinks of everyone else as worthless, or that he’s above them inherently (unequal)—he believes himself to be in a sort of limbo. He is neither worthless nor worthy. He is not human, therefore he cannot adhere to the same principles and standards of humanity. He is not human, and that is why he is never treated like one.
I think he subconsciously detached himself from it. He hated how the one person he (subconsciously) thought would one day view him as human and accept him, called him a monster and outcast him, like everyone else. The one person who showed him kindness with no catch (in his mind, because… yikes). That’s when he fully accepted that he’ll never be seen as human, that he is not human, and will never be treated like something with value/emotion, like something mortal and thinking and multi-dimensional, which is why he finally decided to just take matters into his own hands, with no regard to anything else. Why follow the morals of humans if he is not one? You don’t expect a wild animal not to maul you. Because for an animal, it is necessary. There’s no malice. They hunt and kill you because they need to eat and feed and protect. Is that not him? Is he not doing all this out of necessity? To keep himself and his family alive?
(Although, he doesn’t perceive himself as an animal. Just as not human). He believes he can’t be human. He believes he can no longer allow himself to be human anyway, because being human is too large an obstacle to his goals. He has to be a monster.
And kinda on the side of how he perceives other humans—it’s like, he’s more vital than them to the plan (which is the most important thing in the world), so he is above them in the way they are pawns whereas the plan cannot happen without him and Eri. But it’s dependent on his quirk, bc without his quirk, he is no longer Overhaul, who is the one who is vital to the plan; he is just Chisaki Kai. Chisaki Kai was not vital to anything and was just some not-really-human with a debt to pay off. Chisaki Kai is not worthwhile. Chisaki Kai is below other, real humans. So it’s split—Overhaul is above everyone else (in importance, in the fact he is not human. He is a monster). Chisaki Kai is below everyone else (he is indebted and clinging to the dregs of humanity he wants to have). The common ground is that both Overhaul and Chisaki Kai are inhuman accessories to the Shie Hassaikai. The Shie Hassaikai is more important than them.
He does not yearn to be human, he yearns for the casual acceptance and belonging that comes alongside being human. Humans have never treated him like how they treat other humans. He is not human.
Uggfhhhh I can’t tell if I’m explaining this exactly how I mean it. My vocabulary is just lacking I fear 😭 I have trouble streamlining my thoughts a lot. I feel like I have more to say but no way to properly express it, I guess. Also all your headcanons are extremely real and definitely add onto this/play a part in it!! I cannot imagine that the Yakuza would be all that accepting/an at all safe environment (ah. Well. That’s not true bc I have lol. I don’t like making sad stories 💀 but in canon… definitely not. Especially with Pops’ apparent falling-out with his daughter over her marriage 😒).
I don’t know if this all is what you had in mind or not but I think it has at least some semblance to what I think some of his mindsets are. My brain is a lil fried though. Also please please please elaborate. On everything. I wanna hear all your takes
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kaya-yildiz · 2 years ago
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what is your character’s ability?
Dream Walking. Kaya has the ability to enter the dreams of another and influence that dream, as well as allowing them influence over it too.
what is your character’s  government-assigned classification level?
Level 1. It’s a pretty benign mutation.
what can your character do?
When he is awake, Kaya can enter people’s dreams. It’s generally quite disorienting for the dreamer, as it forces people into a lucid dreaming state, but if they experience it repeatedly they can acclimatise. Once there, Kaya can control the dream: change the clothes or the appearance of the dreamer, change the whole landscape, make things appear. Essentially he’s omnipowerful, but only in the dream. Once the dreamer awakes, it all melts away.
There’s no distance limit to this power, but he does need to know the person before he can reach them. The ‘knowing’ can be something as simple as a photo or a video of the person but it might take him some time to ‘locate’ them. The better he knows someone, the easier it is for him to find them. He has liaised with the police over a few  missing person cases, but as the missing person often doesn’t know where they’ve been taken, there’s only so helpful he can be.
what can’t they do?
He can’t enter the mind of anyone that’s awake, and he can’t use his mutation while he’s asleep. He can’t do anything ‘real’ i.e. anything that changes or happens or bleeds in the dream ceases to exist upon waking. The only exception is if he says something hurtful; obviously the person’s feelings will still be hurt on waking. 
Incidentally, Kaya isn’t sure if this is part of his mutation or simply a personal quirk, but he’s never been able to remember a single one of his own dreams; not one fragment, no nightmares, nothing.
what are their weaknesses?
For psychically powerful people, it’s possible for them to kick him out of their dreams if they don’t want him there. Drugs/alcohol make it pretty much impossible for him to access someone’s dreams, too; this is how he was aware of just how bad Delia’s drinking was towards the end of their marriage.
He is also very vulnerable when he uses his mutation. Externally he goes into a trancelike state, totally unaware of the world around him, though it’s possible to shake him out of it.
how did they first come to the realization that they were a mutant?
At a sleepover when he was 9. He couldn’t sleep, and his friend was whimpering like he was having a nightmare. Kaya watched him curiously, and concentrated so hard he slipped into the dream. It was a childish nightmare with monsters, but Kaya willed swords into existence for them and they fought them off. The next day, the friend didn’t realise Kaya’s presence had been real; he told him with great excitement over breakfast about the great battle of his dreams, and Kaya realised what he’d done.
if given the choice, would you they remain a mutant? why or why not?
Yes. It gives him a more intimate way to stay in touch with people than phone calls or texts. He is aware that sometimes, it reaches a point of being bad for him; he relies a lot on fantasy and make believe. There’s something addictive about the all-encompassing unreality of dreams, but he’s got it under control for now.
Because his mutation isn’t visible, he’s never really received any trouble for it. So all in all, he has no reason to resent it, though he is sympathetic towards the struggles of people with more visible differences that have to face distrust or persecution.
what do they hope to see change in the future, with respect to the current strife over mutant acceptance? short-term? long-term?
He’d like to see more universal acceptance, of course. Legislation to make mutants a protected class in line with queer people, disabled people, poc, etc. However, he is not at all outspoken about mutant rights, and is slow to admit he’s a mutant himself; the need to keep himself safe so he can be there for his kids ensures he keeps his nose very clean.
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twinkuraba · 2 years ago
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I never even heard the word ‘transgender’ until I was about 16. Didn’t stop me from having the Trans Child experience. I just didn’t know that’s what it was at the time.
It’s a horrible feeling; not having the words to define why your body feels wrong. To not know how to express the mental flinch whenever you’d be socially punished for not performing your AGAB adequately. Being uncomfortable being grouped in with the girls but not being able to point to a reason why.
For thinking that you were the one doing something wrong, clearly. Adults knew everything and none of them were talking about anyone else who felt this way, your peers never talked about feeling this way, so clearly the issue was with you.
I was never a girly child, or even a tomboyish one. I was the ‘weirdo’ everyone avoided because I didn’t act like a ‘girl’ was supposed to but I wasn’t a tomboy. My peers were confused when instead of being excited about having ‘early beauty’ when I started puberty at 10, I felt disgusted and betrayed by my body, I felt like it wasn’t mine, like I was being controlled by it instead of the other way around.
I need to repeat; I had never heard about the concept of being trans at this point. I only vaguely even knew that being gay was a thing people could be. I went to a religious school so that’s likely part of it but no amount of ‘you are perfect just how you are’ could counter my revulsion of an afab body.
Cue high school where I met my first trans person; a friend of a friend. And it still didn’t click for me then because I was heavy in the ‘repress all the bad and everything will be fine’ method of coping with stress, self hatred, undiagnosed ADHD/Autism and depression/anxiety.
Unsurprisingly. I went to a very dark place where I couldn’t imagine myself having a future like this. I hated my body and what it stood for. What everyone else assumed of me when they saw a teen girl’s body, how I hated having to perform feminine and why did I want to be a boy so badly when I was supposed to be perfect how I was?
I got very close to attempting suicide twice in my life. Both times I was talked down by a queer friend because I was hiding my pain from my family, but after the second one I decided this couldn’t continue so I made the tough (at the time) decision to tell them what I’d been planning.
The rest of my life until I was well into my 20s was basically me moving through my life shrouded in fog. I wasn’t happy with who I was, but I knew suicide wasn’t the answer to how I was feeling. I tried to learn how to love myself again, and in little ways I did. I rediscovered my love for my artistic ability. My eye colour. My taste in music.
But I could never even begin to figure out how to feel about being a woman. Other women were amazing, I admired them for being so sure, so confident in themselves, so brave for living with what I was feeling was a personal hell.
Then I found out that actual women... like being women. They have their feelings about gender inequality or the societal expectations on AFAB people but on the whole they’d never ever been confused about who they were.
Then one day, talking to a friend. It clicked. All my feelings, my past experiences. I hadn’t had the words for it then, but I had been a trans boy trying to navigate a cis girl’s world blindfolded without even a map to help me find my way.
And according to everyone who knows me from then to now the change has been enormous lmao. I talk more with people, I have more pride in my appearance, more smiles and laughs, less self-hate.
I’m not 100% where I want to be yet, and I’m still bad at envisioning the future. But at least I know with certainty that I have one now.
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ialwaysknewyouwerepunk · 3 years ago
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Hi Ella! This isn’t so much an ask as a jumble of thoughts, but I feel like you’re someone who might get it. I’ve been thinking quite a bit about a conversation I had with a friend about Larry, and her insistence that if Larry is real, it’s “wrong” that they haven’t come out yet. Both of us are queer, and I was a little taken aback by this line of thinking because I sort of expect my queer friends more than anyone else to understand others’ right to stay in the closet (assuming they even have control over that in the first place), but I think there’s maybe a way in which we see likely queer public figures who have a great deal of money and influence (which we sometimes falsely equate with agency) and see the potential for that kind of visibility. And I think maybe we begin to believe this creates a kind of sense of moral responsibility to be brave and take the risk of coming out because of the good it could potentially do in the long run, but this is kind of a red herring, right? Because we forget about the root of the problem, which is the moral responsibility of society to look beyond the bottom line/their own comfortably heteronormative perceptions of the world. I guess I’m wondering if some queer people are even more susceptible to this because of the potential for how much good people like Louis and Harry coming out could do for the community, and in light of that maybe there’s some resentment that they appear to be “choosing” money and fame over this potential good, even though we have no idea how much of a choice they have in the first place, and anyway, isn’t it their right to choose how to live in a society that marginalizes them through no fault of their own? And then you of course have the other side of the issue, where the question becomes how to reconcile the possibility of queer baiting with the right of a closeted person to participate in the community in whatever way they have the freedom to do (I can’t tell you how many people I’ve seen go after Harry for queer coding, either because they think he’s just a cis straight man trying to be “interesting” or because they see it as proof that he could come out if he actually wanted to. Anyway, I’m terribly sorry for this essay 😅. I’ve just had all these thoughts bouncing around in my head, and I’ve been trying to reconcile my friend’s reaction with others I’ve seen in the fandom, and with my own fleeting moments where I do find myself thinking that surely they’re free enough to no longer keep up the charade, and have to catch myself. I’ll admit that sometimes I have trouble with it too.
oh wow :( well, first off, you're right: no one owes coming out to anyone, and you don't have to come out to be valid in your queerness. i think it's very harsh by your friend to say that. yeah, there are a lot of things at play for louis and harry and it isn't as simple as them deciding to not come out, but they really are just queer people who deserve our acceptance no matter how open they are. of course, their reach and influence would be immense if they were. it would mean a lot to queer fans. but we don't know what really is going on bts that is keeping their closet secured. as you said, them being out would immediately label them and would influence their career immensely, bc that's just how our society loves to treat ppl. so imo it's now a mix of contracts and mind games done by their teams, and their own decision to wait for the right time and guard their privacy in the meantime. i do think this right time for h especially is close, to him, bc he's expressed more now that he doesn't mind offending people or losing fans by staying authentic. but that's just me theorizing. as a last point, i need to add that a person can't queerbait. h and l are just living their lives and being themselves and they don't need to be out to be able to act queer. as a queer person, i see them and know what they're telling me, and by their actions they're also validating my existence. and telling me i can be myself and that my own approval is enough. we'll see how it goes for h and l in the future, but in the meantime all they need is our acceptance and support, without them having to prove anything
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