#it would've helped me if i actually used coping mechanisms

[buddydacote]

I crashed yesterday so I never got to post the calendar picture but I had an appointment with my therapist that day and this is the little marble game she has in there.

[bricky-brikson]

Thinking about the "trilion and 12 years old" joke about Bill and thinking about his psychological development after the Euclydia massacre

In the show, we see that while he can plan ahead and manipulate people, he's often foiled by his own impulsiveness/anger/emotions. His ultimate goal is to escape the Nightmare Realm/Dimension 0. And sure, he says this is because he promised the Henchmaniacs he'd help them, but ultimately as others have pointed out, Bill is terrified of death. He wants to live forever - have "a party that never ends with a host who never dies". All he cares about is himself, his own survival and hedonism

All this to say, Bill has the emotional development of a teen. He hasn't gotten past the self-centredness nor the reward/adrenaline seeking behaviour, but has emotionally evolved enough to be able to manipulate people and such (and be able to feel guilt, even if it's just a picogram). Though his immaturity shows when he doesn't get his way.

One might think that, being a trillion years old, he would've developed a bit, but here's the thing - major traumas can "freeze" people at certain developmental stages. We don't know how old Bill was when Euclydia was destroyed - though considering his behaviour I would bet he was a teen.

(Or whatever the equivalent of that stage is for his species. They have exoskeletons- do they have instars then? Whatever, that's not on the topic of this post)

Seeing his entire dimension destroyed after (what was probably) a well-intentioned attempt to show them what he saw ("They'll see. They'll all see.") permanently emotionally stunted him. However it was he got his powers, he was a teen/young adult with powerful abilities who had just erased an entire dimension from existence and was now accountable to no one but himself while also being deeply traumatized. His constant partying and implied substance use were probably the only coping mechanisms he could think of, dissociating because he has no idea how to actually confront what happened. The way he talks about the massacre - he detaches himself from it yet still admits guilt ("A monster."). Only post-divorce does he implicate himself in the event, though still obscuring its true nature ("I liberated them.").

Being surrounded by individuals who are similarly maladjusted for most of his trillion-year lifespan certainly didn't help things. The Henchmaniacs are likely somewhat stunted as well, or at the very least don't offer much in the way of mature/emotionally adult conversation, especially since Bill reacts so poorly (read: homocidally) to any sense of malcontent.

Which is to say, I think part of why Ford was important to Bill was because, compared to him, Ford was more emotionally developed (Ford is emotionally stunted in his own ways, but not as severely as Bill IMO). Subconsciously, their relationship was reaching a hand out to the scared teenager in the centre of Bill's psyche and offering him someone to lean on- someone who had their shit a little bit more figured out. A kind of figure Bill hadn't had since he killed his parents.

Of course, such vulnerability probably felt so alien that Bill tried to distance himself. I always wondered - why didn't Bill just lie to Ford about his plan to take over Dimension 49'\ ? Ford would've believed him, finished the portal, and Bill's plan would've been fulfilled. Well, I think it was Bill trying to burn the emotional bridge. In his own impulsivity, his own desire to dissociate instead of confront, he would rather make sure that he would never be able to be vulnerable to Ford than fulfill his grand plan.

...

I don't remember where I was going with this. There's no conclusion. I'm spinning this triangular multidimensional tyrant at physically impossible speeds in my mind and if I didn't write something about him my skull was going to turn into a fine powder. It's almost 2 AM, so it's entirely possible this post makes 0 sense, in which case feel free to inform me of that in the notes.

[possessionisamyth]

Here's some RE Separate Ways analysis that isn't about shipping because I like Ada. I'm happy her DLC actually focuses on her, but some of the takes I'm seeing are Insufferable. Main statements in bold for ease of reading and skipping purposes.

-Wesker and Ada haven't been working together consistently for the past 6 years. This dripless bitch is calling Ada every five minutes to babysit her. I don't think that's the relationship dynamic of someone you're regularly employed under, and when it is, Ada is not the type of character to tolerate that behavior for 6 years. We know Ada is a contract worker. We can understand she's worked for Wesker on and off, but she's a freelance agent period. She must've done enough jobs for Wesker that he feels the need to check on her and have this constant reporting in to make sure she stays on task since he's clearly used to her not always following his orders. He 100% hired her for this assignment because he knew the situation and compared to the other options, she had the highest survival chances. Which, he was right. High risk, high reward.

Sometimes Wesker's babysitting works: Ada holding Luis at gunpoint when he tries to negotiate saving Leon and Ashley. Sometimes he knows when to step away: "Keep your dog." All of it is in the effort to get what he wants. Look, he let her live. He worked with S.T.A.R.S for years and wanted them all dead. If he worked with Ada regularly and she pulled this shit with the amber, he would've had that helicopter blown out of the sky. There's always some restraint with personal distance, especially with a guy who thinks so highly of himself.

-Luis is a drama queen. In the regular game, Luis acts cool and under control to the best of his abilities around Leon and Ashley. It's a part of his newly found hero-complex even though he does still know when to ask for help: "save me prince charming!" In the DLC, we see the real side of Luis. The one who's scared, and dramatic, and knows when he's not shooting with a loaded gun so to speak. When Ada tells him to leave her to fight, he does. He wants to help, but his respect for her abilities sends him fleeing like she orders him to. Also, like every scientist, he has zero self-preservation! He ran into a fire that clearly would kill him to get medicine. And the exchange afterwards? "No! Now you'll all die!" "Make some more medicine." "Oh..yeah...I can do that. I do have that ability."

The flamenco dance. "Are you mad at me???🥺 You're mad at me!😭" This man understands Ada can kill him without blinking, but still can't keep his composure around her. This is such a fun dynamic to explore in fic for expansion stories and "Luis lives" au's. The DLC gives him breaks to freak out and panic, whereas the main game holds the "cool persona" moments after Leon saves him. Even his dying words to Ada. This man is bleeding to death and still can't shut up. I love him.

Okay, that's all I gotta say about the loser men. Now for the star of the DLC. Ada. :)

-Ada "Sans Undertale go into my eyes" Wong. The methods Ada uses in the DLC are fun and appropriate. It's not invasive and in your face unlike another agent, but more subtle. She can track footprints, fingerprints, gauge the safe distance required for her grappling hook, and she knows when she needs to fight and whens he needs to run. Her practicality has always been the cleanest of the entire cast due to her being a spy, but this time we actually get to see this trait utilized through her tools.

-Ada is silly and quips her own jokes to get through it. Something I'm not seeing anyone talk about including the aeon people who are claiming anything they can get, is this specific humor parallel between Leon and Ada in the remake. Both of them have gone through the horrors of Raccoon City. Both of them went right back into very difficult military in function style work which always has a body count. I talked about Leon's humor coping mechanism here [X], but to hear Ada do the same thing? I feel like they went under the radar because they don't sound as stupid as Leon's quips, but they are still so stupid. "Nighty night." "Lights out." "Bring me a real challenge next time." "Now look at the mess you've made." "You think that gun will be enough?" She and Leon even share the same "Next," line!

If I had 80GB to spare on the game, I'd see just how many more I could get out of her. Like, these are dumb as hell. She's found a method to cope with the horrors she's witnessing that just so happens to coincide with Leon's. I'm not saying this as a marker of whatever romance you've tossed them in or even to diss any other romances. What I am saying is that they have a similar type of mental illness resulting from trauma, and they ended up using the exact same coping method despite never seeing each other.

Ada fans who hate Leon! This opens a door for you when it comes to character analysis and how Ada deals with her PTSD and/or depression! Run through it RIGHT NOW!

-Ada's infection pulls a lot more weight than it seems. I've seen some people say Ada's parasite should've been removed the same as Leon's and Ashley's. (Which is an extremely unsubtle argument to get them all in the same room for your shipping nonsense.) However, something I noticed with the DLC were the parallels to the troubles in RE2. The Black Robe/U-3/Pesenta monster is the first time where we get to see Ada dealing with a stalking enemy. Due to RE4 being so much more plot-lined streamed to maintain the flow of gameplay, these events were not allowed to be random, but the narrative purpose remains. Ada gets to have a stalking enemy in her DLC like Claire and Leon did in RE2 with the addition of a hubris check.

The hubris check? Well, Ada has never been infected until this DLC. In the original games, she can step back and watch people die because she doesn't know what it feels like. Now she knows what it feels like. The lack of control. The pain. The slow turning. Her job has had her flirting with death for years, but not in a way she can't fiddle with the odds. A parasite is not something a person can distract with words. The action to steal the amber is backed up via personal experience not just a morality code slapped on. The addition of Wesker's correction to "billions of causalities" means she's included in that number and just cements her incentive to flee. She's not doing this for Leon. She's not doing this for Luis. She's doing this for herself, and if it so happens to help other people then it is what it is. After being on both sides of the coin when it comes to viruses, she can no longer function as entirely impartial to the work she's doing.

-Ada doesn't ask for permission but asks for forgiveness. Don't take this phrasing literally. She doesn't ask Wesker to forgive her. What this means is that she'll do something before asking, and if it upsets people then she'll course correct. Her job is not the kind of job where she needs to take orders for every action she implements which is why Wesker calling every five minutes was annoying as hell. In the OG RE4 she kind of argues with Wesker for Leon to live for "his usefulness", but it's swiftly shut down until it's convenient to Wesker for Leon to live. This forces her to sneak around and betray Wesker multiple times to save Leon secretly, and the concept rightfully gets thrown into the garbage for the remake DLC.

The scene in the bedroom where Wesker tells Ada not to become a liability after taking her blood? Ada doesn't fight to get her shit back. Some people said this was flirting. Wrong. This is Ada seeking forgiveness after the fuck up of passing out in the middle of an active field by letting Wesker walk off with an infection sample. She then makes sure not to fuck up a second time in the same way, and she doesn't. She learns the signs of her parasite so in case she does pass out again, she'll be somewhere much less conspicuous. She listens for the changes in her environment and the feelings in her body and prepares herself for what's next.

-Ada saves Leon and Ashley for Luis' sake. I stated earlier that Ada's action to take the amber was for her own sake but ends up helping others. This is the exact situation going on when Luis talks about getting the suppressant. She needs the suppressant in order to do her job and kill the black robe so she can heal. It just so happens that Leon and Ashley need the suppressant for survival reasons too. They are an afterthought until Luis dies.

We watch Ada question Wesker and his plans all throughout this DLC, and she comes to her own conclusions after her experience working with him. She could've gotten the amber back and let the whole place blow into smithereens like Wesker intended. Who cares about the president's daughter? Who cares about another dead federal agent? Luis did. He cared so much he died for it, and just like that other clown in Raccoon City (aka her), she got emotionally attached. If there was anything she could've done for Luis to make his death mean something, it was this act.

-Ada sells Leon's jacket. This isn't analysis, but I thought this was funny as hell. ACAB! No exceptions! Freeze your tiddies off, Leon! I don't give a shit!

-Ada's new outfit is still better than her old one. It's still not the best they could've given her. I'm also not speaking from a fashion point of view when I say this. In the OG RE4 we see Leon in a jacket which is forcibly removed to show off his pecs to the ladies, but it clearly marks a colder time of year. OG RE4 Ada has arms out, legs out, and tits out because a hoe never gets cold. The sweater dress for the remake re-establishes that it's colder here because even Luis doesn't lose his jacket. Ashley doesn't lose her jacket either until they yoink it off her for ritual reasons. I still hate that the thigh high boots have that heel and would prefer the flats, but that's going to be in the complaint paragraph below.

-Capcom sexism at play once again. I don't give a shit about rigs and motion capture or whatever, her walk cycle was 2 adjustments from being full Bayonetta, and I hate it. The ass shots? Disrespectful. Her heels didn't have to be that high. Never heard of a kitten heel? They exist. The people who worked on RE3 Remake and worked on this DLC sure love to make a woman vomit don't they? Why the fuck was she so clean the entire game? She was being thrown around and tossed in the dirt a lot, but this woman's skin is shinier than a waxed apple. Either she has some wet wipes on hand, or god forbid women get filthy. Absolutely zero reason she shouldn't have been looking as rough as Leon by the time she gets on the helicopter! No reason at all!

That's all they wrote! I love Ada. I loved this DLC, and I loved the dynamics going on here even though I hated every time Wesker was on screen or opened his mouth at all.

As much as I would love to expand this post and go further into the changed Ada and Leon relationship, I frankly hate all the takes I've been seeing so much on either side of the Aeon debate. I hate the ongoing conversation around it so much that I don't know if I want to discuss this at all. The Aeon should've gotten this if not for Luis and Ashley side and the Aeon is dead side going back and forth with each other? All of you put on your clown noses! None of you are looking at this situation objectively to see where the lines cross and where they run alongside each other, and frankly I'm tired! I could clear this whole table off so both of you can get exactly what you want based on what you're not actually interpreting from this media, but I won't! Kill each other!

[tomatoland]

Top's wounded inner child and TopMew's (play)dates

Top has a wounded inner child. He may look like a grown man on the outside, but inside, he is stuck here.

Top's reaction to freeze or go silent when emotions are high is very likely due to his fire trauma. When Mew yells at him, I thought Top very much looked like a child being yelled at by a parent. The way he avoids eye contact and bows his head. He feels indignation when Mew asks him if he and Boston planned this together, but he's unable to verbalize anything.

I wonder if his parents blamed him for the fire because it is very much reading as someone in Top's life expressed disappointment or blamed him at a critical time. Twice, Mew has asked Top for a reason why he slept with Boston and he can't say and again when Cheum asks, he can't say.

As I'm all about pattern recognition, the show is setting us up for this to be a conversation TopMew are going to have btw.

Top does take responsibility for his actions though. I initially thought that this was a positive sign of maturity, but it can also be a sign that Top had to take on too much responsibility at too young of an age. He does what he's expected to do, which is apologize, but he can't offer any further explanation.

What we know of Top's childhood is that he was neglected by his parents because they are always too busy working or socializing and he was alone when the fire happened. The responsibility of a household is so much to take on when you're so young and to deal with a crisis alone, no child should EVER have to do that. Parents are supposed to be there to protect their children, give them space to just be a kid and Top didn't have that.

Now, I want to talk about how TopMew's dates are actually helping Top heal his inner child.

TopMew's dates are all about introducing Mew to new experiences for TopMew both to experience together, but notice how they are all very playful.

They eat ice cream together, they go to the bookstore and share different parts of books with each other, they go bike riding, they even have sleepovers where nothing sexual happens, they play laser tag, hide-and-seek, dance like nobody's watching, sing out loud badly, drink neon green apple sodas together, and Mew keeps Top company while he sketches (draws).

Top's inner child holds all these heavy emotions from the fire incident, probably to the point that he can't remember good times he had as a child because he has spent an exorbitant amount of time here, fixating on that one moment. The result of which is years of insomnia, dependence on sleeping pills, a crippling fear of dying alone, and a fear of sleep.

I don't think Top & Mew did this consciously, but isn't it just absolutely perfect that is what their playdates (because that's what they are, aren't they?) are doing, giving Top a chance for him to connect to his inner child in a more lighthearted way than he usually does and just play.

“Three things strike me about inner child work: the speed with which people change when they do this work; the depth of that change, and the power and creativity that result when wounds from the past are healed.”

This space to reconnect to his inner child is what is helping Top move past the self-sabotaging behaviors and unhealthy coping mechanisms from before. Past Top would have called up Beam, Past Top would've fallen for Boston's manipulation. Before Mew, Top had a string of short-term relationships and now, he's thinking beyond three months.

The change in Top isn't because of Mew because even without Mew's presence, Top doesn't succumb to his old behaviors. This indicates that the change that may have started because of Mew, is now in Top. Being with Mew is what gave Top the opportunity to reconnect with and work on healing his inner child that now he wants to move past the things that were holding him in place.

This does bring up a really important fact though, change that is contingent on another person is not stable. Change must start with the individual if there is any chance for long-term sustainability. Maybe I'll be wrong and Top will self-destruct in the next episode, but he hasn't yet. He's still trying.

good article if you’re interested & cr for quote

[alwaysmicado]

It's always been you

3.3k words | NSFW 18+ | Dieter Bravo x f!reader

Warnings: angst, age gap (unspecified), swearing, brief mention of p in v sex, brief mention of disordered eating and suicide, mention of black eye, toxic relationship, drug use, reader's coping mechanisms are unhealthy Summary: After a year of dating Dieter Bravo, you are forced to face reality. All good things must come to an end, right? A/N: Nothing is more painful than realizing the person you love is not good for you.

Enjoy the hurt and let me know what you think! I'd love to hear from you! 🖤

“Baby, please just listen to me,” Dieter implores. You huff and shake your head, avoiding his pleading eyes. “It didn’t mean anything. It really didn’t, okay? I- I don’t want her,” you can hear the desperation in his voice. He’s a good actor, you gotta give him that.

“Baby?” He takes a step towards you but knows better than to touch you right know. Even if that’s all he wants to do. Wrapping his strong arms around you, feeling your heartbeat against his chest, inhaling your scent. He says your name softly, his voice laden with anguish. You turn your head a little and your eyes find his. Dieter’s beautiful brown eyes. The eyes you've been losing yourself in for the past year.

“Please just tell me what I can do to fix this and I’ll do it. Anything. Please,” he takes another step towards you and whispers, “I can’t lose you.” Arrogant asshole. The illusion is gone.

You furrow your brow and tilt your head, studying the man in front of you. Dressed in his favorite pair of gray sweatpants, a loose white shirt that accentuates his tan skin, perfectly disheveled hair just screaming to be played with, sad puppy eyes. He looks like always - irritatingly handsome.

Something's off though. His body language, usually relaxed and confident, is teeming with insecurity. You smirk at that thought. Dieter Bravo, enigmatic celebrity and notorious playboy, insecure because of you. What a joke.

“You really think I'm fucking stupid, don't you?” Your voice is steady, every word filled with venom. “Just some silly girl you can use to get your dick wet and feed your ego.” He winces at that. Good. “I know you're used to people bending over backwards for you, blowing smoke up your ass and never saying no to you. But guess what, they don't give a shit about you.” Your face is heating up and you can feel your restraint slipping.

“I'm sure she made you feel really good, Dieter. Like a real star.” You snort sardonically and smirk, “Did you give her the same speech you gave me when we met? How you're this misunderstood guy just trying to get by and find real love?” You look around, shrugging your shoulders mockingly. “Either you're losing your charm or she's just a lot smarter than I am. Would've made everything so much easier if I'd left that first night, too, huh?” 

Dieter huffs, averting his gaze and rubbing the nape of his neck. Your eyes follow the motion of his ringed hand, now clearly seeing the fresh hickey adorning his neck. Mother. Fucker. What the actual fuck is wrong with this man? And what the hell is wrong with you for putting up with his shit for so long? Seriously.

You’re actually very well aware of what's wrong with you, but that doesn’t really help you. Never has, if you’re being honest with yourself.

The hurt inside you becomes unbearable. Your lips start to tremble and you bite back a sob. You’re surprised at the feeling of wet tears running down your hot cheeks. What’s happening with you? You never cry in front of other people - especially not Dieter.

He hates it. Seeing you cry hurts him more than anything you could ever say to him. Unable to see you like this, he starts pacing around the living room, feverishly running his hands through his hair.

“Don’t you dare look away,” you spit out, making him turn around with an exasperated sigh, lifting his gaze to meet yours slowly. He cringes at what he sees in your wet eyes. The harm he's done. The spark in your eyes he loves so much, gone. 

“You ripped my fucking heart out, Dieter,” you sob, tears streaming down your neck. You press both of your hands over your racing heart and claw at your shirt, nails digging into your flesh so hard it hurts.

Dieter reaches out to you, eyes wide, “Baby, I know I fucked up. I'm so-” “Fuck. You,” you shout at him, startling the both of you alike. You've never raised your voice at Dieter, no matter what bullshit he put you through. But you can’t take it anymore. Fuck always being the bigger person. Not like it ever got you anything. 

And did he really just try and say he's fucking sorry?

“You ripped my beating heart out with your bare hands, felt my bleeding flesh in your palms and now you seriously have the fucking audacity to tell me it didn’t mean anything? That you're sorry?” You laugh mirthlessly and wipe your wet cheeks. Dieter swallows hard, Adam’s apple bobbing in his throat, his hands fidgeting with the hem of his shirt. He has no response. 

Your head hurts and you feel weak despite the adrenaline coursing through your veins. Crying is exhausting. Having your heart stomped on is exhausting. Realizing the man you love will never be good for you is killing you. 

You sit down on the sofa, close your eyes and inhale deeply. Dieter approaches you slowly and sits down on the far end, turning his body towards you, but giving you space.

Eyes closed, head resting on the backrest, you press the heels of your palms onto your eyes. You can hear Dieter's breathing, can smell his cologne. A birthday present from you he's used every day since unwrapping it. You remember that day well.

After the extravagant party with all of Dieter's fake Hollywood friends was finally over, you two went skinny-dipping in his pool. You started splashing water at each other, laughing without a care in the world. At some point, Dieter caught you in his arms, pulling you towards him, hooking your feet behind his back. He looked so happy, his beautiful features illuminated by moonlight. He kissed you slowly, passionately, savoring the taste of your lips. “I love you, you know,”  he murmured, nudging your nose with his. “You're the best thing that's happened to me in a long time. Gonna do it right with you.” And you believed him. How foolish of you.

“It's easier for you like this, isn't it” you note quietly, turning your head to look at Dieter. “What do you mean?” His voice is raspy, brow furrowed in confusion. “Being the bad guy,” you scoff like it's the most obvious thing in the world. “You've convinced yourself that you're a bad person who can never be good and that's why you act the way you do. Makes it easier. You can just point to your shitty behavior and tell yourself that's why people leave you.”

You furrow your brow and shake your head. “Don't you see? It’s you, Dieter. It’s always been you. It’s not the drugs, or the people you fuck, or the shit that happened in your childhood. You're the problem. It’s you.”

You huff and make for the door, in desperate need of fresh air and space.

“You think it's so fucking easy being me. Got it all figured out, huh?” Dieter's agitated voice yanks you back. “You have no fucking idea how it is. Everyone wants a piece of me and as soon as they got what they wanted - drugs, sex, fame - they fucking leave me.” He gets up and closes the distance between you two in a few strides. You don't back away. 

You’ve never needed to be close to him more than right now and it positively kills you that you can’t. You can’t wrap your hands around his waist, press your face into his chest, hold him tight until your heartbeats synchronize. You can’t. Not anymore.  

“You're the only good thing I got and I know I fucked up. I know I'm an asshole and I don't deserve you, but please,” he takes your hands in his, squeezing them gently, “please stay. I was high off my ass and I couldn't tell you her name or what she looked like if you asked me. Please let me fix this.” 

Dieter leans in, leaving barely any room between your bodies. You can feel his breath on your face, feel the heat radiating off his body. His big sad eyes are piercing your soul, pleading with you, desperately seeking to convince you. Nice try. You know this will happen again. Dieter Bravo won't change. Not for you, not for anyone.

You take a deep breath, maintaining eye contact. “I’m not leaving you because you fucked someone else in our bed last night, Dieter. I’m leaving you because you're so convinced you're bad that you won't even try to be better. Not even for me.” 

Hot tears are starting to make their way down your cheeks again. Dieter gives you a sad smile, gently cupping your face with his hands, wiping away the evidence of your sadness with his thumbs. “Please don't cry, baby,” he murmurs. His voice is strained, the corners of his mouth twitching.

You put your trembling hands around his wrists and slowly lower them from your face. “I'm done being just another person who got caught up in the whirlwind that is you and got lost on the way. I can't do it anymore.” 

Before Dieter can say something, you interrupt him by softly pressing your right hand to his chest. His heart is racing. “It felt like you killed me last night,” you deadpan and Dieter’s breath hitches, his eyes going even wider. “I'm so so-” “But you know what?” you look into his eyes intently and shrug, “I’m still here, so I guess I’m not dead.”

“I’ll go on without you,” you nod, a wistful smile playing on your lips. “I’m done, Dee. Finally done.” 

----------

You lean against the front door of Dieter’s mansion, chest heaving, trying to steady your breathing. In through your nose, out through your mouth. Slowly. Over and over. The dull pain in your head gets worse and you suddenly have the overwhelming urge to throw up. You turn around to face the concrete wall and empty your stomach contents onto the ground, trying as much as you can to not get it on your clothes.

Your throat burns, tears are streaming down your face and the throbbing pain in your head is all-consuming. Your vision starts to get blurry and you can hear your blood rushing in your ears - louder and louder - until everything is quiet. Peaceful. 

----------

I’m sorry. I want you to be happy. 

Dieter’s note on the nightstand does nothing to you. Your heart feels numb. 

You see the glass of water and the Advil next to the note. You’re wearing a clean shirt, not the one you were crying and throwing up on a few hours ago. Dieter must have changed you into one of his. Your pants are neatly folded on a lounge chair standing in the corner. Light is flooding the bedroom you've woken up in every morning for the past year. Weird to think it's the last time today.

You sit up too fast and your head pounds violently, so you try and move as slowly and carefully as possible. The pill doesn’t go down easily. Your throat burns and even the tiny gulp of water you need to swallow it feels like someone’s dragging hot knives from your tongue all the way down to your bleeding heart.

Why do you keep doing this to yourself? You know Dieter, you know what to expect from him and you also know yourself. Still, you let yourself believe. Believe that you could be loved. Believe that someone could know you - really know you - and still love you. But it’s always the same. To know you is to love you less.

It’s your fault. Dieter showed you who he was from the beginning and you still let yourself fall for him. You knew better than to open up your bruised heart to him and yet, you did. That was your decision, not his. And the most fucked up thing? You’d do it all over again in a heartbeat. Loving Dieter hurt. Badly. But for a brief moment in your life, he showed you that you were capable of loving someone and being loved.

You know he was telling the truth about that. He did love you. Maybe still does. It doesn’t matter anymore. You’ve had your taste of pure happiness and that’s more than most people will ever experience in their life. It’s okay. It was always going to end this way. 

----------

Three months later

It’s hot outside. Too hot. So you usually just stay inside your new apartment after you come home from work. Shutters closed, AC blasting until the sun goes down and you can finally open the windows to let the cool night air inside. 

You’re on your balcony, finishing up your nightly bottle of white wine. You can smell the summer night, hear the hum of cars driving by, people eating and laughing, crickets chirping peacefully. When you close your eyes, you feel a comfortable buzz. This is okay. You’re still here, haven’t jumped off your balcony or slit your wrists. Too final, you think.

You don’t actually want to die, you just want to be as numb as possible. Numb the pain that is simply too unbearable to face fully present. So you drink and you pop Xanax bars and you either don’t eat or stuff yourself so full you throw it all back up.

And you fuck Ben from work.

Turns out he'd had his eyes on you for some time before you went into his office with the goal to get bent over his desk.

Swaying your hips, batting your eyelashes, tracing his arms and shoulders with your fingertips, purring into his ear how you need him to take care of you did the trick. Two minutes after entering the office, Ben was already balls deep inside you. He made you cum on his cock, spilled his seed on your ass and drove you home after. You fucked him again in the parking lot of your apartment complex, riding him until you both were a sticky mess. He didn't ask if he could come upstairs and you didn't offer. “What did I do to deserve you, hm?” he asked when you were both laying in his bed a few days later. You lifted your head from his chest to look at him. He was beaming at you with undisguised admiration. You pressed a soft kiss to his lips and buried your face in his neck. Ben was kind and attentive and handsome - he was everything you could wish for. What a sane person would wish for, anyway. But that wasn't you. And he wasn't Dieter.

You're alone tonight, sitting on your sofa, a glass of wine in your hand. You stare at your phone, index finger hovering over the Instagram icon. You shouldn't be doing this. Really shouldn't. 'Cause every time you do it, you end up crying yourself to sleep despite the alcohol and pills.

Fuck it. You open the app and are greeted with Dieter's face laughing into the camera. He's not alone, as usual. A pretty girl is hugging him and pressing her plump lips to his left cheek. You want to vomit.

He stopped texting and calling you a few weeks ago. Probably got tired of you never replying, you assume. And it's not like there aren't thousands of women out there just waiting to take your place by his side and in his bed. Why would he waste his time on a woman who broke up with him?

You're sure that Ms What's-her-face from his Instagram doesn't nag him about doing too much coke or fucking other women or meeting her parents or starting a fam- You throw your phone across the room and start sobbing violently. Three shots of Whiskey and too many Xanax bars later, you pass out on the sofa.

You stop stalking Dieter's Instagram after that night. You need to get your shit together before you do (even more) irreparable harm to your body and psyche. No more social media, no more alcohol, no more pills, no more Ben. He doesn't make a scene, letting you know that he'd like to stay friends. You know you don't deserve his kindness.

A few quiet weeks go by and you start to feel a bit better, now that you're not treating yourself like complete garbage. You eat well, take walks when the weather's nice and you've started dating a guy you met in the small coffeeshop near your apartment. Life is fine at the moment. You're fine.

----------

Loud knocking on your front door rips you out of deep sleep. You open your eyes in confusion and check your phone. It's 2:26 am. Probably someone coming home drunk and knocking on the wrong door. You wrap yourself in your blanket tightly and close your eyes again.

Another loud knock, now accompanied by a voice saying your name. You grunt and reluctantly get up, wrapping the blanket around your shoulders. You look through the peephole and your heart skips a beat.

“I'm sorry for waking you, babe. Thanks for letting me in, I-” Dieter looks down at his feet, fidgeting with his rings, “I didn't know where else to go.” You hand him a cup of chamomile tea, sitting down beside him on the sofa. “It's okay,” you nod, looking at his face intently. He's wearing his signature sunglasses. You assume it's because he wants to hide the evidence of his excessive drug use.

You both sit in silence for a few minutes before he lifts his head to look at you. He puts his right hand on the cushion between you two, wordlessly communicating his need for your touch. You gently place your left hand over his and move to intertwine your fingers. Dieter's breathing becomes heavier.

“What happened, Dee?” you ask quietly. When he doesn't answer, you move your right hand towards his sunglasses, watching carefully for any signs that he wants you to stop. You take the glasses off slowly and gasp when you see what he was hiding. It wasn't dilated pupils, it was a massive black eye.

You trace the swollen skin under his left eye with your thumb, causing him to wince. “I guess her husband found out?“ you ask with a wry smile, trying to lighten the mood. Dieter chuckles, shaking his head. “I'm sorry,” he says, lifting his gaze to meet yours. You shrug your shoulders, “I already said it's okay you came he-” “That's not what I mean,” he interjects. “I'm sorry for everything, for hurting you. I know I don't deserve your forgiveness and you're better off without me, but I want you to know that I really am sorry.”

And just like that, the heart you've worked so hard on fixing over the past few months breaks all over again.

Tears are silently falling from your cheeks as you lie down on your bed. You're on your side, eyes closed, tears pooling on the pillow when you feel the mattress sink under Dieter's weight. He's removed his jacket and pants, now lying on his side, mirroring you, in his boxers and shirt.

He caresses your cheek and murmurs, “C'mere”. You lay your head on his chest, your right hand resting above his heart. He wraps his arms around you, pulling you closer, kissing the top of your head.

“I do love you, you know,” he murmurs.

“I know.”

[gaylordscooter]

Log of the Multiverse: Cross and XChara

Cross and XChara (usually referred to as just "Chara") both hail from Xtale, an au that's fallen into ruin ever since the creator, XGaster, was contained.

I was shocked to find out that the creator was one of the characters in their universe, but Ink told me he was a false creator, as he was merely a puppet to the true creator that lies beyond our realm and comprehension. It's like how a meta character in a piece of fiction can be written to act "aware", but it's still being written by somebody. Ain't that weird?

Don't think about that for too long.

So Xtale was kinda an empty void after XGaster was taken care of—that's the fault of Cross who killed like, all of his friends (but xpapyrus was the one who killed basically everyone else. GEEZ i couldn't imagine my brother killing a fly! hurting a fly definitely. but killing?? yeesh) and then absorbed xfrisk's soul because he thought he'd be able to OVERWRITE (<- a mechanic their world has where you can basically do whatever the hell you want, or something) his world turned out he couldn't do that sooo.

yeah he was NOT happy about losing his world (and somewhat playing a part in its downfall)

and also xchara's linked to frisk's soul for some reason. so he kinda just had xchara haunting him for awhile.

Luckily! Ink, Dream and I were able to help Cross cope through his loss!

It took so much time. like so much.

He eventually came to accept his world would never come back, but he got an idea. Since his universe couldn't be repaired to what it was before, why not create something new? Of course he couldn't create new people but after learning there were more people that have lost their homes like him (and me) he thought: why not make this place a safe haven for people like him?

Ink encouraged him. He was Very enthusiastic about it actually, he even helped with decorating the place (as in he painted every building. and all the scenery).

Of course, Cross isn't like Dream and Ink, who can sense negativity or when someone's world is destroyed, so those two tend to give him a heads up on where to go (or they just drop people off themselves)

At first we've just been calling it "Xtale" but obviously the place has changed drastically so we decided to call it something else.

unfortunately somehow all of us (even the ARTIST) weren't able to come up with that creative of a name and settled for calling it "the hub"

Now, I didn't forget about XChara, they were getting tired of having to haunt Cross all the time, so I decided to take up a little project.

And by me, I mean I asked Alphys (from a post-pacifist undertale au, we're buddies. yes i'm allowed to be friends with her because they're no longer following the game's script) to help me make a robot body. i made a prototype that ended up being completely non-functional. so alphys kindly made a complete one that WAS functional for me. even though i insisted she didn't need to do that but she said she enjoyed doing it and that i would've popped blood vessels i didn't have if i kept trying to make one (she's right. i was never that big of an engineer)

so the hard part was separating cross and chara. except it WASNT because their souls are WEIRD and i literally just wrenched their pieces apart like lego pieces it was crazy. unfortunately they still only have half of each of their souls. but hey, they can live just fine like that! they're just not as strong as they would be.

well, mainly in cross's case. chara has a cool robot body now that's loaded with defense.

So anyway, yeah! That's about it.

Pretty happy outcome for these guys, despite all the hardships of course.

But I heard from Ink, in this other multiverse this thing called the "X-Event" occurs. It sounded pretty rough from what I remember. But fortunately our Ink isn't like the one in that multiverse! He's too much of a softy

[jakowskis]

have i talked about my headcanon that jack and owen hooked up a few times pre-s1. i think it makes a lot of sense considering they're both characters who default to the intimacy of sex as a coping mechanism. owen would've been hurting and seeking comfort after katie and jack likes to feel like he's helping people. i don't think it's a reach to say that at some point early on owen might've been trying to drink himself to death, jack showed up to take him home, and owen impulsively (and angrily) tried to kiss him, like that could 100% be canon to me. and they very possibly could've slept together, too, depending on how you think jack would handle that situation. i always felt there was a palpable sexual tension between them in the early eps of s1, and you can read that as torchwood's token flirtatiousness and the way every single combination of characters has a 'will they wont they' going on, but considering they're the two most likely to actually act on attraction, maybe they already had smth by the time we first meet them. and idc how this fandom views them, to me they're absolutely mutually physically attracted to each other. like, come on. it's torchwood.

more than anything though i think it'd explain owen's weird preoccupation with ianto + his relationship with jack, and the way he's, of all things, competitive with him in particular - in a way he's not with gwen, who also gets a lot of jack's attention. if jack and owen hooked up once or twice but it was very casual / probably even kind of combative, but then jack chose to have a romantic relationship with ianto, i could very easily imagine some part of owen, regardless of whether or not he actually wants jack in any capacity, feeling like "why would he want him over me? what the hell's the teaboy got that i don't??" we already know owen feels... insufficient, as far as his importance in jack's life (i think 'i found my doctor.' 'did he fix you?' says sooo much), i think he badly craves being important within torchwood, obviously, but just as equally, being important and useful to jack - and considering how sex kind of influences everything with owen, i could just very easily see that manifesting in a brief no-strings situation. again, very early on; jack acting on attraction to his angry new employee (his substitute doctor,) who's so very desperate to be saved and given new purpose by him (and isn't that good for jack's ego, too), who hates him and wants desperately to please him in equal measure, and owen acting on a desire to please his new boss, to try to ensure this job's a sure thing even though he's been acting out and not showing up at times, and what a fine way to self-destruct, to self-punish, too, sleeping with the man he blames for his fiancee's death and who's surely gonna lead him to his death.

i just. hrgh. i love how much fucked up shit you can do with jack/owen, like there's so many dark miserable things to play with there. i love it

[transbeamrooikat]

some killjoy hcs/rambles :3

big fan of the HC that Ghoul has hearing loss like. look at that fella and tell me he has any sense of safety precautions

i also think he knows how to shoot his raygun and obviously has his explosives but if a fight ever becomes close range she just starts Biting

and that fucker can bite HARD he has dogshit dental heath (but that's pretty much a given if you live in the zones, i think) but his bite is so strong he often would rather use his teeth than scissors

also playing around (like. considering) with the hc of him being bigender? idk, thinking about that

cause i hc him as being raised in the zones + his crew died when he was young, i think he doesn't really have like. a strong idea of binary sex/gender/sexuality? like, i feel like labeling people is mostly a City concept, and killjoys just do whatever (although some killjoys do label themselves, it's just not an often occurrence)

SPEAKING OF THE CITY!!! i think Party and Kobra where both raised there and escaped together

Party realized they were NB and probably some flavor of queer when they were pretty young and tried to repress it at first, but that's obviously not health so it lead to them having really shit metal health/had a mental health crisis, but eventually they told Kobra and he tries to give them advice/ just be someone for Party to talk too

i also think they stopped talking their pills pretty young (like, i think Party stopped around puberty? so 10ish) and Kobra stopped a bit before Party came out to him (which is why he didn't report them and was able to help them)

Party's queerness is kinda what led to them leaving the city (i think there also may have been a confrontation with their parents that narrowed down their options to either running away or getting turned over for "reprogramming" but hey ho)

i think they would've met Jet Star and his crew pretty soon after them leaving the city, and they helped them to get to Dr. D

Jet couldn't convince the crew to let Party and Kobra stay any longer so they parted ways there

i actually don't have many Jet specific hcs other than that his eye patch is probably either due to an accident Ghoul caused or due to a clap with a drac

i think about a year after meeting Party & Kobra he leaves his own crew to go form his own/traverse the desert

which kinda leads to a general killjoy hc that they tend to be in crew with their families till they leave to form/find their own at around 15-20 (although some killjoys do stay in their original family crew)

there's probably zone-wide gatherings/parties where a tone of killjoys meet up to relax and have a good time

i flip flop between Party and Ghoul meeting at one of these and them meeting in some abandoned area while Party's doing a supply run

Ghoul speaks Afrikaans because i said so :3 (don't ask how it makes sense in canon - it doesn't really)

He reverts back to speaking it when angry/feeling very strong emotions (although it tends to be very choppy cause although speaking afrikaans is like his coping mechanism, he wasn't taught much of it by his family before they died)

I think she'd try to teach the other killjoys at some point cause it'd make communication easier, but Party's the only one who's remotely good at it cause they're the only other person in the group who can roll their r's

Party & Kobra r very shocked when they learn that other languages is a thing like. at all. cause growing up in the city they wouldn't have been taught that other languages r like. a thing ++ they would kinda also be taught at the same time that "everyone only speaking english is better cause then there's no error in communication ^_^" or something like that

idk whether or not i want Ghoul to be the reason they find this out… it'd definitely make for a good fic idea

like I said, I hc Ghoul as having bad dental health, but I think that also applies to Jet

Party and Kobra's good dental health is actually pretty unusual -- people tend to be able to tell they're from the city because of it

I also think they all have some kinda acne/acne scarring

for Party (and to a lesser extent, Kobra) it was a (bad) way to cope with the stress and anxiety of living in the city, and it became a habit that's still very hard for them to break

for Ghoul and Jet i think it's more a background thing they've never thought too hard on? like, oh there's red spots on my face now and some of them hurt? slay /pos

[kaelio]

vampire chronicles; vampire powers conversation:

@kaelio & @thecactifindahome

Kaelio: Well, we know that like Baudwin's death helps level up the scrub vampires

Kaelio: His flesh/blood do that!

Kaelio: Well, what if Lestat fed everyone his arms and legs? And then took new arms and legs from a clone of himself that had been made a vampire. [I think Viktor in one line is implied to be a clone and not actually part-Flannery, with her perhaps solely as surrogate despite the sex--need to check this]

Kaelio: Is this basically the infinite chocolate hack?

Kaelio: The only way it isn't, is if losing part of your original tissues makes you weaker; you that has new parts isn't as strong as you that had the old parts

Kaelio: So did cutting off Rhosh's arm make Rhosh weaker at vampire stuff?

Cactus: Oh I see, hm... but the vampirized arm would be a pretty fresh fledgling, right? Somehow I have the idea in my head that the flesh would store, like, blood points essentially

Cactus: Like how Enkil just shattered without blood, I think losing significant body mass would negatively affect them

Kaelio: Yes so it wouldn't level up Lestat but it's not like him getting a new arm would the undo the gains from whoever ate his old arm right?

Cactus: True... does Flavius every say something about his new leg? I can't recall, hm, I'll look

Kaelio: Or maybe you couldn't do this all the time, but it strikes me it's something that maybe you could do every once in a while.

Kaelio: Ahhh yeah 🤔. But we do know that if you don't take all of it, they do have some tolerance and ability to essentially refuel to full power

Kaelio: Or do they! Did Lestat actually take a meaningful step back say post-Merrick vs recently Akasha-clouded qotd Lestat

Cactus: Hm, a rationale for the cult to say that elders/master shouldn't make fledglings, too

Kaelio: You could have a punishment that is less sever than capital punishment but still has a fine-like consequence this way. Ate some of your flesh/power.

Cactus: There's always the cope vs. realism explanation for the downgrade, but it seems like Fareed has to explain things about the leg to Flavius, who take a few months to warm up to it, so maybe there's something to it?

Cactus: You know, I think he might? I was surprised by how much less powerful he seemed to think he was as compared to the ancients in Prince Lestat

Kaelio: Yeah, I actually think that might be the case, and he really does seem like the most powerful around the end of Queen of the Damned and then he definitely isn't later, I mean, I actually would've thought that he could at least put up a fight against Rhosh in a normal sense based on where he is around Memnoch times

Kaelio: Yeah and also maybe Akasha wasn't just the fount for new vampires but basically much more widely used as a recharge than we assumed

Cactus: And Rhoshamandes delegated an unknown amount of fledgling to Benedict

Kaelio: Yeah also maybe then making Fontayne was actually intended as a submissive move by Pandora for Arjun

Kaelio: Almost like self-injury

Kaelio: Of course this also introduces the possibility for gross little mechanisms like Lestat's affirmation that sires have the right to the fledgling's blood

Kaelio: So David's return bite is just about trying to be able to open heavy doors again

Cactus: o: oh now that's a fascinating way to look at it, and also explains why she was not especially raring to go after him

Cactus: [David] was halfway through building a little faux medieval folly on the Talbot estate (old man project)

Kaelio: So implies entitlement to all derived power of the lineage not just intimacy

Kaelio: Kings and vassals indeed!

Cactus: Alternatively, an MLM!

Kaelio: And like an mlm those at the bottom are basically hosed, because wasn't there something about how Amel hits capacity?

Cactus: Yeah, they said people were actually failing to make new vampires there were so many, they'd just die

Kaelio: So it is a scrabble with lords and vassals and subjects over a finite resource. A "game of thrones", if you will.

Kaelio: Although I get the sense the capacity is only a number, not the power of respective components

Kaelio: Which is a really interesting dynamic. It's a zero sum game in terms of population but not in terms of power.

Kaelio: I think a lot of this has to do with how much control we think Amel has over who is getting what powers when, and to what extent, and how much of its power is just to make them vampires period.

Cactus: Oh, I like that idea about them waking up due to essentially hunger pangs, and it explains why the jerks never felt inclined to contribute before but do now

Kaelio: Someone (Marius) does say (to Armand I think) when you get which powers seems kind of strange and arbitrary which is why you have to keep testing your abilities and if they've changed.

Cactus: That comes up a few times I think, I think it took him quite a while to get the Cloud Gift. Or maybe it was fire, hmm

[stuff]

Kaelio: Oh I misread that; do you mean Marius? Because yeah he gets fire before Cloud Cactus: No yeah Marius.

Kaelio: Fire [Marius] gets consistently in Byzantium iirc

Kaelio: But otoh we don't really know because he doesn't know anyone who knows they have it and doesn't really care for it

Kaelio: Avicus it feels like should have it and maybe he does but he doesn't know he does if so.

Kaelio: in Byzantium (or frankly Rome with that sad ass performance against ruffians)

Cactus: Armand mentions he had the feeling he'd get the Cloud Gift fairly soon, so maybe that's what Avicus felt? Like how you can sometimes tell you're going to get a headache before the pain starts

Kaelio: Or I wonder if the powers are granted by a kind of a prayer system to Amel and they just don't realize this is the pathway

Kaelio: And part of the reason they tend to get certain powers is once they know another vampire has them, they can want them

Kaelio: Like maybe he gets the Cloud Gift early because he actually knows what it is and therefore can have a desire for it that might be picked up by Amel

Cactus: Rhoshamandes didn't realize he could fly until reading the books, so that's something

Kaelio: Oh yeah!!!!

Cactus: Counterpoint: Armand couldn't burn anyone until PL which you'd think he'd have started ASAP

Cactus: So I think it does have to be points to an extent

Kaelio: Oh yeah or at least maybe Amel was like you don't get any more powers for a while, greedy!

Kaelio: At least not until you kill more scrub vampires 👀

Cactus: Unlike the others, he doesn't need an incentive to kill so he doesn't need the perks, lol

Cactus: Like how he never bothered urging him to destroy

Kaelio: Armand was being labor exploited :(

Cactus:

-The council: It seems like Amel has only been commanding those with the fire gift to destroy the young -Armand: Well he wasn't said shit to me -The Council: Anyway!

Kaelio: But it's interesting if their categorization system also is... faddish? They tend to get powers because that system allows others to know that it's a power that is acquirable.

Kaelio: And it still leaves it open for the idea that some of them are getting actual -vampire- powers that they don't realize that they've been granted (again Lestat definitely has that love/charm power)

Kaelio: but if it were ever to actually be recognized as a "Charm Gift" others would start to get it because they would be communicating in some conscious or subconscious way that they would like to get it

Cactus: Yeah, as always the healing gift remains ignored and underexplored!

Kaelio: That one's foisted 😭

Cactus: Louis' magnetism could certainly be a manifestation of it

Cactus: His beauty area of effect, lol

Kaelio: absolutely a power he clearly has imo

Kaelio: He absolutely seems to have a glamor for those in his proximity

Kaelio: but maybe the Math Gift could be a thing but they don't realize so the Amel is never getting that subconscious request/"prayer"

Cactus: Louis' is more limited in that it won't absorb you your whole life

Cactus: Oh there's one user of the Math Gift

Kaelio: Oh yeah!

Kaelio: I forgot it was so pronounced

Cactus: You DO win stupid prizes playing stupid games (explode rats gift)

Cactus: Also the notorious insect speed reading

Kaelio: Oh my God, marius did get the explode rat gift

Kaelio: Underutilized against Santino, who just got the rats around gift

Kaelio: saw a rat one time and wanted it to come closer, and that got interpreted as "I would like to have rats around me constantly". Cooter burger moment.

Cactus: Summon Rat vs Rebuke Rat

[witsserviceablesubstitute]

I love Gallavich, I do.

It's a seminal lgbt+ love story involving two defined individual queer characters who're products of their oppressively violent environment but who drag eachother away from becoming their worst case scenarios.

It's messy but sincere and extremely well-acted throughout the shows entire run.

Their story is the heart of Shameless (US), connecting the series from its beginning to its end (same for Kev and V but their season to season shenanigans have little continuity). Ian and Mickey's love story reminds the viewer of how good the show used to be by allowing two characters who've loved eachother since season one, who were tortured by the narrative and constantly torn apart by circumstance, the pathos of a happy ending they fought for and deserved.

However, it's obvious to me that none of the Gallagher love interests in Shameless were meant to be characters in their own right. They were character assessments. A psychoanalysis of the Gallagher they were with and changed on a whim depending on what John Wells wanted to say about Fiona, Lip, Debbie, and Carl. Mickey's legacy and what he meant to people took John Wells by surprise. The writers were blindsided by the response to his character.

I don't think John Wells ever intended for Mickey to be an independent player or Ian's endgame. My speculation is the writers still don't understand how impactful Mickey overcoming fear and hate to embrace love and bravery was. Nor how unique the message was that two poor, abused, violent, "white trash" queer teens could learn to help, heal, and love eachother without a roadmap.

I don't think they ever understood why Mickey and Gallavich received the critical acclaim they did, even if I do think they tried. The writers were too deep in Hollywood thinking to get how important a character like Mickey Milkovich was to people who could relate intimately with his struggles. In their minds Mickey was always a thuggish stepping stone to Ian's eventual upward mobility. If Mickey had stayed throughout the entire run of the show I imagine both characters would've been Pretty Woman'd by a love interest with status, money, and appropriate coping mechanisms. Or Ian would've been Pretty Woman'd while Mickey fell into darkness as a black reflection of what Ian could've become.

So it's for this reason that I say, "I love Gallavich but.." They never develop balance or work through the mountain of emotional baggage that is heaped upon them.

Mickey's no1. priority is Ian and Ian's no1. priority is Ian (this isn't me Ian bashing, there are complex inworld reasons for why this is so, but mostly it's the narrative naturally prioritising the Gallaghers'), and the Sitcom framing of the later seasons does not give two characters forged in a Drama the breathing room necessary to touch upon their shared history and trauma.

So I love Gallavich, I do, but in someone else's hands they could've been an epic and powerful love story that defied convention (👀 look at all that wonderful fanfic). But I was often frustrated by the story that was actually told onscreen, filling in the blanks of their development myself using what I knew about both characters.

[zeep-xanflorp]

rambling about the rick-unity-wong talk bc i'm upset about it

r: look, it's clear you weren't lying when you said you could've taken over earth because your finger just took over america. i need you to help me fix that.

u: oh, it took that to make you believe me?

r: why should i believe you? you show up unannounced and hijack a state.

u: i called you! multiple times! you ghosted me.

so there are two ways i think you can read rick not believing unity. one is that he believed it was trying anything to stay in proximity to rick even though he was asserting boundaries, or two, he did actually believe it but wanted to deal with the situation on his own or just wanted it gone. either way, he didn't want to be around it.

then there's the part about rick ghosting it. like okay yes. unity tried giving rick a heads up but the fact is that it knew rick wasn't answering its calls. it Knew rick wouldn't know it was there unless it made a big deal about it being there and that's what it did. it literally showed up without permission and assimilated a whole state on rick's home planet, in rick's country. just to get his attention.

w: rick, is that true?

r: she dumped me. why would i answer her calls?

and now we get a blatant explanation for why rick was ignoring unity. i imagine it would've been clear enough anyway without this explanation but rick is still upset from being broken up with. so he decided to ghost it with no explanation, cutting it off entirely.

w: alright, i'm going to commit a cardinal sin in couples therapy here, but rick, i think you're wrong. [..] you had an outer-space lady who was worried for your life and your response was hostile enough to cause a huge problem.

u: thank you.

w: now you're asking her to both forgive you and solve it?

now, the mistake wong makes here is assuming she knows the full story. obviously she's smart and i think she gave her best analysis based on what she knows of the situation, but in her ignorance she fails to listen to rick, her patient.

the whole theme of this episode is rick asserting his boundaries. he doesn't want to see unity because last time he did it ended catastrophically for him. he's not ignoring it out of pettiness but as a defence mechanism. a coping strategy. and when it decided to follow through with its plan of coming to america anyway, destroying the boundaries rick had in place, it made him lash out.

rick also has a tendency to self sabotage when things are going well for him, whether he realises it or not. he abuses morty when they get too close. he made unity party with him instead of doing its duties. his actions push people away, keeping them at arms length.

i believe his boundaries are in place to prevent these episodes of self sabotage. so when they get ignored and discarded, he goes back into that mindset.

and wong, who would be aware of this at least vaguely, blames unity's actions on rick ignoring it which is not fair in the slightest imo.

w: unity, i think the reason rick brought me here is that he doesn't know how to indicate to you he's changed. because he's changing very slowly. but he is.

now this is something i had trouble understanding bc i am a shameful rick apologist at the best of times and couldn't remember what he actually did wrong. his crime in this instance was when he was distracting unity from its work, influencing it to drink and party all the time and avoid its responsibilities. this became too much for it, especially when it saw how rick used the same methods to detach himself from his family.

so it broke up with him, leaving him to spiral into the worst mental state we as the audience have personally seen him in in present day - his suicide attempt. unity doesn't know about that, and i'm guessing wong doesn't either, because all rick needed to say to wong was that their breakup ended horribly for him so being around it is difficult for him and maybe she would've understood more. but no that's too much vulnerability for old man sanchez.

rick has changed since then. i imagine he better understands why unity left him. i also think he knows that it wants the best for him but struggles with accepting that. that's what led to this mess of a situation.

he feels hurt from being abandoned. it feels hurt that rick couldn't understand why it left. and all of this culminated in a messy situation where unity acted drastically to get rick's attention, and rick in his stubbornness and pain refused to accept it.

and so. i think wong spoke too quickly. i think she definitely knows rick's patterns and is right to call him out but made an unfair judgement on only him because even she expects the worst from him. he is changing, but she is encouraging unity not to give him a second chance because he's not there yet. when really that decision should be up to unity.

even though it does take agency at the end. after unity releases america from its hold, we get this absolutely heartbreaking scene between it and rick.

r: i trust you now.

u: that's nice. but i don't trust you.

unity turns rick's lack of trust in it back at him, and it's telling the truth. it feels betrayed by rick's actions in this episode because it only wanted to make sure rick was alright. to it, rick seems to be punishing unity for caring about him.

anyway in conclusion. rick is mentally ill, wong was a little too harsh on him in this episode bc it's a complex situation, and unity will act drastically if it can't get rick's attention. it's unfair to blame it all on rick in this case (even though things are normally his fault) bc while he did act immaturely in response, he wasn't the only one that escalated the conflict so drastically.

this is not a refined analysis. i might fix it later but no promises.

[cookinguptales]

I will say, though, people used to be way meaner about fic online when I was a kid. Readers can still be shitty, don't get me wrong, but it was the wild fucking west when I was young and new to fandom.

Sporking communities (communities dedicated to going through fic line-by-line to make fun of it to an audience), homophobic death threats, "constructive criticism" that was really just designed to hurt young writers' feelings... Like this was all considered not just acceptable but fun and fairly normalized. You were considered "butthurt" if this stuff really affected you.

But damn, it was so mean. Like so unnecessarily mean. People were practically hunting fan writers for sport just because they wrote fic/meta/roleplays/etc. that they didn't enjoy. I cannot overemphasize that making fun of writers was considered a viable fandom path at a certain point. Some people got very big followings for sporkings, takedowns, particularly creative flames, etc.

What I'm telling you is that making fun of others' writing was considered a kind of fanwork in and of itself.

Like... I remember writing something online when I was about fourteen and -- I don't even remember what it was, being honest with you. It probably wasn't very good, given my age. But I do remember that someone just replied to it with a link for a website "how to write" and nothing else, and it hurt my feelings so badly that I didn't even want to keep going. That was considered concrit back then, even though it was really just a thinly veiled insult. Pretty sure whoever wrote that comment thought it was hilarious, and others would have agreed with them. I definitely would've been mocked if I'd complained.

And... that was just what you had to put up with if you posted your writing publicly. Some of those old warnings like "flames will be used to make s'mores!" come off as kind of cringe these days, but it really was a coping mechanism that you had to develop if you wanted to get through it at all. It was saying "your words won't hurt me, so don't bother."

Like... I like to believe that I'm a pretty good writer these days, and I can guarantee that not one of those assholes who made fun of me or mocked my work or talked shit about my ideas actually helped to make me what I am today. It was the people who encouraged me to play with a lot of different ideas and forms of writing who really helped me grow. Nothing worked better than just writing and writing and writing without fear that I would be punished for doing so.

So even if you're a garbage person who likes to hurt people because it makes you feel big and strong and important, think about all this pragmatically. Be totally fucking selfish for a minute. Think about all of the good writing you will never, ever get to read if you destroy the writer's self-esteem when they're still learning. Think about all the people who will never grow. All the beautiful flowers that are being nipped in the bud every day by assholes like you.

And even if someone never gets good, even if they just splash around in stupid ideas and awful prose and incoherent characterization... so fucking what? No one owes you beauty. Sometimes the beauty is just in having fun with what you're doing, and sometimes that's enough.

I am actually extremely relieved that fandom isn't quite as cruel as it was when I was a kid, but I won't pretend that things are perfect now. People still have this weird entitlement to them, like other people in fandom only exist to create things that they enjoy. Like other people only have worth, only matter, if their presence gives you exactly what you want when you want it.

You don't have to like everything that other people make! You don't even have to like them. But come on, now. Let people have fun. And don't act like other people's fun is only valid if it's of use to you.

[ribbonverse]

Chapter 2

Notes on chapter 2.

Rukia is the most difficult to write for me, emotionally speaking. Maybe because she's the most like me, or maybe I appreciate her too much and don't think it's really possible for me to do her character justice when writing from her perspective.

This is also the only chapter written completely from Rukia's perspective. Most of the rest is from Ichigo's perspective, and occasionally from someone else's.

What I am satisfied with in the last two chapters is the charaterization of Ichigo's time with Rukia in terms of how hard the work was for him. I consider this a very lore friendly element.

Already in Bleach chapter 7, Ichigo complains about losing some of his sleeping time to Shinigami work. This isn't really brought up again as far as I remember, at leat not directly, but in the anime episode 10 (or at least one English translation of it), Rukia states how there's going to be more difficult fights in the future. Which indicates that things didn't really get easier for Ichigo over time.

In the same chapter, there's a pretty sweet moment where Ichigo is surprised to hear that Rukia cares about his well-being. We don't hear these thoughts of his in the anime episode, though you can still see his surprise.

In any case, this moment does make clear that Rukia does understand the need for a Shinigami to rest, but in my continuity, she doesn't yet understand how much rest a living human needs. This is one of the ideas I like the most, as it draws from Rukia's canonical background. Since she died as a small babby and has lived her entire life as a spirit, she would have had no personal experience on what being alive is really like. This would've affected how she treated Ichigo while he was helping her with Shinigami work.

Just a note on Rukia being a 3rd Seat now. I really don't like it when promotions are used in fiction as rewards. It's a dangerous way of doing things when it comes to running a serious organization, though that's sometimes how it works in real life as well, so I guess you could say it's realistic.

It's just really dumb when at the end of a story there's a time skip to show where everyone's life has gone since the story concluded, and instead of the characters having done something that fits their previous charaterisation, it turns out everyone and their mom has become a Captain/CEO/President/insert-highest-position-here. You know, because after everything that happened, the author still needs to highlight how the main characters are Very Special And Amazing People™ and therefore they must occupy the highest positions in the Hierarchy of Life™.

That's not why I made Rukia a 3rd Seat in this story. Similar to the Reiatsuppressors, it just arose as a device to fill a purpose, in this case to give her enough autonomy that she could leave for the Human World on her own initiative without getting into too much trouble.

The hierarchy within the Divisions isn't really covered enough where you could say how much power the position below a lieutenant would have, so I decided to just make her a lieutenant. And since the 13th Division doesn't actually have a lieutenant/2nd Seat and instead has two 3rd Seat officers, a third person sharing the position didn't really seem so far fetched.

It also served as an excuse for Rukia being buried in work and was the catalyst for making workaholism a coping mechanism for her. Her insecurity about her position also adds a dash of realism, I think.

I'm not all that satisfied with the conversation between Byakuya and Rukia. I say conversation, it's basically just Byakuya talking and Rukia listening, which is how it would go, seeing how their relationship is depicted by the end of the Soul Society arc. This part of the chapter was incomplete for the longest time and held up publishing the fic almost all on its own. I finally decided to just finish it up the best I could, even if it still leaves a lot to be desired.

One aspect of Byakuya that was mentioned but never explained in canon (as far as I can remember, anyway) was that Byakuya has never really looked at Rukia. In light of the reason for her adoption to the Kuchiki family, the reason should be pretty obvious, but IMO it should've been mentioned explicitly in canon. So I've just gone ahead and done it here.

For the record, I don't like "the Old Ways" as a name. It was originally just a placeholder or a colloquial in-universe name, and I intended to come up with an "official" one at some point. But I'm terrible with names and just couldn't come up with anything better. It would've held up publishing even more, so I'll just leave it as-is for now.

[nanasalt]

Character ask: King Agnarr(Musical/Film)

I feel like this is unfair because I answered some for Frozen 1 Agnarr and some for Frozen 2 Agnarr, except that the better Agnarr (Frozen 1) doesn't have enough personality or scenes to really answer all of these. So here we are.

favorite thing about them:

This is one of those Frozen 1 answers.

Agnarr clearly cares for his family. His worst choices come from making difficult decisions in an impossible situation. He and Iduna end up basically abusing and traumatizing both daughters via the separation, the neglect of Anna, and the repetition of the repression mantra for Elsa, but let's be honest: can any of us say we would've handled the situation better?

In a modern analogy, Elsa has a trait that makes her unavoidably lash out in moments of extreme emotion. When playing with her sister she accidentally lashes out and Anna ends up at death's doorstep; only rushing her to the ER and having her undergo traumatic brain surgery allowed Anna to survive.

As a decent father, separating the girls and focusing on getting Elsa's powers under control was obviously the top priority. Elsa even agrees with Agnarr! In the musical, Iduna argues that the girls should be kept together, and Elsa says "Mother, it's how it has to be. What's best for her is best for me," then turns to her father, who reassures her they'll find a way to control her powers. There is never an indication Agnarr and Iduna planned to keep their daughters separated forever, just until Elsa could be around people without accidentally hurting someone. The problem was that neither parent knew how to actually help Elsa; the trolls gave them the vaguest advice of avoiding "fear", which wasn't actionable.

Without help, the day the girls could reunite never came. After the parents died, Elsa tried to follow their advice, but she was a child without guidance. Of course she didn't do it right! And when she did reunite with Anna, exactly the thing they were all fearing happened: she was overwhelmed, lost control, and mortally wounded her sister.

Just ... Agnarr is a tragic figure. There was no good answer in his situation, especially if he was trying to be a good king on top of dealing with all this. It's part of why I prefer the idea that he died on just a normal diplomatic trip, because then the tragedy is human and normal. Frozen 2 saying that the parents died trying to find answers for Elsa makes the world feel small and boring and like nothing else ever happened.

So in summary: he's such an interestingly tragic character. I wish Frozen 2 had been content to leave him as a normal, tragic character instead of warping his whole life to revolve around Elsa.

least favorite thing about them:

As a person? Emotionally abusing both daughters for a decade. Not only was Elsa being taught to repress her feelings, but Anna was so neglected by both parents that she was talking to paintings for company while her entire family was in the same home. Just because her trauma didn't manifest in explosive, awful ways like Elsa's, it seems both parents assumed she was fine and handling it and never noticed that her cheer was another coping mechanism.

As a narrative device? I kinda like that he kicks off Elsa being wrong about how to control her powers and starts her and Anna on the path of trauma that leads to the horrific situation that forms the basis of Frozen.

In Frozen 2, I really hate that this man apparently never figured out his wife was a native woman and - separate to that - felt comfortable telling the story of the time his family massacred a whole tribe of native people as a bedtime story to his kids. Its a bad character trait and bad writing - two for one!

favorite line:

Had to ask the roommate for help, and she turned up:

Elsa: Were the Northuldra magical, like me? Agnarr: No Elsa, they were not magical, they just took advantage of the forest gifts. Their ways were so different from ours. But still, they promised us friendship. In honor of that, your grandfather, King Runeard, built them a mighty dam to strengthen their waters. It was a gift of peace.

The narrative framing is what really makes this [chef's kiss]. He's so, so wrong, and on top of it, he's blatantly ignoring Elsa's cry for reassurance that she's not alone.

Oh, but for Frozen 1 -- I saw a post once pointing out that the mantra Agnarr teaches Elsa is "conceal it, don't feel it, don't let it show". It doesn't become "conceal, don't feel, don't let it show" until Elsa's had a lot of time to spiral alone and conflate her dangerous powers with her sense of self. It's a little detail but one that hurts me in a good way.

brOTP:

Does Agnarr have friends? I genuinely can't think of one. I like how musical!Agnarr interacts with his family. As mentioned above, I like that he and Elsa are on the same track when it comes to keeping Anna safe even if it means the girls can't be together.

OTP:

Agnarr/Iduna (musical edition)

nOTP:

Agnarr/Iduna (Frozen 2), though I've just started Dangerous Secrets and I think it might give Frozen 2 a run for it's money in terms of bad romance. The flawed premise is inherited from F2 thought so ... let's call F2 the worst.

random headcanon:

I like to believe that he's a good king of Arendelle. We have no evidence of this either way in the films, but it makes him more interesting if he was a decent king who was trying to balance that with his family life. I imagine he became a less stellar king after they had to close the family off from people, but still not bad.

(Sort of like Nicholas II pulling away from public life because he couldn't explain that the reason they kept a weird monk around was Alexei had hemophilia, but in this case it's because Elsa can kill people in a simple accident.)

Overall, the people of Arendelle remember Agnarr fondly but without a lot of detail.

unpopular opinion:

I simply do not care! And furthermore, there is nothing Disney or anyone else can do will make me curious about this man or his life. I don't care how he and Iduna met, I don't care who they were when they were younger, I just do not care. They exist to be Anna and Elsa's origin story, and that's it.

Also, I think the girls need to talk about the fact their parents sucked. They can't heal until they admit it.

song i associate with them:

"Monster" from the musical...? Mostly because Elsa invokes him by title in it. I don't think of Agnarr as a character much, but Agnarr the concept definitely haunts Elsa.

favorite picture of them:

One HUNDRED percent this picture of him talking about how his family massacred a native tribe, saying that the tribe attacked them (which is demonstrably wrong), not knowing his wife was on the massacred side.

Honorable mention to Iduna's absolute lack of reaction. No thoughts, head empty, if she confronted the fact she had two kids with this man she'd have to do something more drastic than occasionally singing her kids a native lullaby after her loving husband is safely gone.

That whole scene being the opening of the film sure was a choice!

I'm also fond of every single musical Agnarr, but he's not photographed as much.

[angelsdean]

Okay, so I genuinely tried to see Sam as one of Jack's parental figures but... I can't? I mean Cas and Dean, yeah, 100%, but Sam doesn't give me any parental vibes for Jack, no matter what Jack and Rowena say in the show (and how some people are angry at "sam's erasure by destiel shippers"). I don't see him as one of Jack's parents. If you do, can you explain me why please??? I'm so confused.

personally i don't either, which yea, some people get upset about and cite "erasure by destiel shippers" but for me it's not even about destiel but more so that i just do not see sam as someone who actually wants to be a father. (which is why i'm also massively side-eyeing that whole finale where he gets the "white picket fence apple pie life" and dean jr. that kid is Not real to me !!!)

i think early on, during stanford especially and for some years after, sam thought that's the life he wanted. i think if jess hadn't died and he hadn't gotten swept back into hunting and become obsessed like john w/ killing azazel and everything that followed, he would've married jess and he would have tried to have that perfect life, but i think he'd still be living a lie and keeping everything about hunting from jess, like he seems to do w/ blurry wife and dean jr. so, what kind of life is that really?? It's not a real partnership if you're lying about everything. Just like Dean couldn't really make it work in the end with Lisa and Ben (and he was more open with them about everything) it's like, for Dean and Sam it's never going to work with someone who isn't in the life. But until Eileen (and Rowena) Sam tends to go for the option of "pretend hunting doesn't exist and have a fake perfect life", like with Amelia in s8. All this to say, this "white picket fence American Dream" he keeps going after isn't sustainable and isn't realistic. To me it reads very much as a dissociating technique, a coping mechanism. He tries to escape the reality of his life, bury his head in the sand, but at the end of the day, these things are just pipe dreams. His relationship with Amelia reminded me so much of Dean and fake El Sol Carmen from his Djinn dream, even down to the fake-happy over saturation.

Anyways, that's a lot of words to say, his most real (and imo healthiest) relationships are the ones with people who know about hunting (Eileen, Rowena). And when he's honest about who he is, the life he leads, and what he actually wants (helping people, studying magic w/ Rowena, being a loreboy lol, etc etc) I don't really think he sees being a father as part of those dreams / desires. Also, Dean has always been the one shown as relating to kids more and being good with kids. Dean has always been in a more nurturing / caretaker role since he himself was a child. That's not to say Sam couldn't be a dad or learn how to do these things, but I'm just saying it doesn't seem to come naturally to him the way it does for Dean, so I think that's another part of why a lot of people see Dean + Cas as Jack's parent figures more than Sam.

However !!! I think Sam makes a great mentor + teacher (and Uncle figure). I think he really enjoys teaching and guiding people. He's a great leader to the Apocalypse World hunters and he seems to really enjoy that mentorship role. And with Jack, early on, he stepped up and became a mentor and teacher to help him learn how to use and control his powers. I think Sam cares deeply for Jack, and Jack is family, and Jack himself considers Sam as one of his "dads" and Jack is their collective "kid" but I think there is a noted difference between the way Dean + Cas interact with Jack and the way Sam does. Even when Dean is at his worst, there's still this very "he's a child, I'm the parent" dynamic between him and Jack. Whereas I think Sam tries to treat Jack as more of an equal who's still learning (and i think that's also in part due to Sam growing up being "the baby", like he gets it and so he approaches Jack differently than Dean does).

[bi-kisses]

My fun little DID story is that when I was a teenager, going through a lot of trauma and medical abuse, there was a phase where I struggled a lot with disassociation. During the worst of it I managed to mostly convince myself I had DID. I had some of the classic symptoms- memory issues, struggling with some skills unless I was in a very specific mindset, etc. A friend noticed how my vocabulary would change a lot depending on the mood I was in and suggested I had DID.

I actually leaned into it a bit, using different typing styles at different times / moods, came up with a couple names, and had mental back-and-forth conversations using these personas in a manner that seemed to me like what DID posters were talking about.

Anyways after like a week, maybe? I decided DID was cringe and gave up the typing quirks. My meds got changed and most of the dissociation went away; fast forward a few years of therapy and I’ve got no problems with dissociation at all. I just do roleplay like a regular person now.

All this to say yeah internet DID culture is very unhelpful at best and helps lead people into delusions at worst.

At risk of sounding callous, I have a feeling most people who think they have DID are actually experiencing what you've described above.

I'll again mention my own dissociative disorder and, as a preteen, before I had any inkling of DID/MPD as it used to be known, I did have what could be described as an "alter". I'd talk with her in my head, she could "take over", all that jazz. She was this ethereal interdimensional being who wasn't affected by the ills of the world, yet she stuck around to give me specifically company and advice. Later down the line I gained another of these "alters", an unassuming guy that mediated between me and the other identity, but he never played as big a role in my mental conversations.

It was a coping mechanism, obviously, and didn't actually fit most of the necessary criteria for DID, but with that experience behind me I absolutely feel as though I would've fallen deeper in if I'd heard of systems and alters during that time.

"but what was it" I was a preteen with extreme loneliness, undiagnosed mental issues, and trauma 👍 it was just imaginary friends with extra steps