#it would simply promote animal behaviors from out of me | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

yuta-nakamots · 4 years

Text

Playing Games - n.yt

Pairing - Frat Boy!Yuta x Reader

Genre - College!AU, Fluff, Smut, Slight Angst

Warnings - Safe sex, swearing, alcohol consumption

Summary - Yuta is a notorious frat boy known for sleeping around with tons of girls yet never getting into a relationship. You never would have thought you’d become entangled with him until fate ends up placing both of you in the same beginner guitar class during your spring semester.

Word Count - 11.2k

A/N - i do not condone or promote the behavior or fraternities or sororities, especially during COVID-19, read a bit about it here. i am simply writing about my own fantasy in my own ideal world. with that being said, please remember to wear your masks and stay safe out there. this one shot will be my first work with smut in it so i’m open to pretty much any and all feedback. special thank you to @neocitybynight for helping me work out some of the plot!

Tag List - @jisungismymom @jikooksgirl19 @jungcity @boiolay @yasmini24

Written for the Bingo Collab hosted by @legendnct. Check out the masterlist here.

Prompts;

"Baby, I’m afraid to fall in love. ‘Cause what if it’s not reciprocated?” – Pink Sweat$ - Honesty

“So won’t you say my name, say my name?”– summer walker - playing games

“Don’t follow me, you’ll end up in my arms” – Joji - SLOW DANCING IN THE DARK

“Can you focus on me? Baby can you focus on me?”– H.E.R - focus

“Oh, how I love you. I just feel so lost without you.”– McKay & Jeff Bernat - Angel 2 Me

It’s the first day of your second semester of college and you’re starting to rethink your decision of signing up for Guitar 101 as you step into the classroom. You don’t remember what pushed you to add this course to your schedule other than the fact that it would knock off two off your graduation requirements, though surely there were other courses that could’ve done that as well.

You were quite the beginner to guitar, having only touched one maybe only a few times in your life and you were sure that you absolutely would not have ever thought about taking Guitar 101 if it wasn’t for your friend Mark, who had suggested it to you.

Mark is a sweet guy and you just so happened to have the pleasure of meeting last semester in your math class. He had walked in late on the first day and took the seat next to you as he muttered something about the campus being too big and not having building names displayed clearly.

Your friendship truly started the day he came in without any of his belongings, not even his backpack. “I, uh, woke up late and ran to class. Literally.” You could tell from the way sections of his hair were standing up and how his white t-shirt was inside out, but you didn’t tell him that.

“If it’s okay with you, can you send me your notes later?” He asked, his eyes resembling that of boba. Mark let out an audible sigh of relief when you agreed and handed him your phone to type in his number. As soon as he gave it back to you, you sent him a message to make sure he typed it correctly and it was at that moment that Mark realized, after a whole month of sitting next to you and occasionally working together, he had yet to remember your name.

‘Hey, this is y/n. Still can’t believe you forgot your backpack’

The two of you fit together like puzzle pieces and you always did your work together at any given opportunity, finding that two heads are definitely better than one when it came to calculus. Sometimes working on projects together often led to you and Mark spending more time together and eventually leading both of your guys’ friends to speculate that you were dating, to which you insisted was not true.

Your friends seemed to understand and leave it be, though Mark’s friends were a whole different story. He was part of one of the newest frats on campus which had come to fame due to their good-looking members, not a single one of them falling even a hair short of having god-tier visuals. You recognized a few of them, having been to their frat house a couple of times to work on projects with Mark though most of them were older than you so it came as a surprise to you when you saw one of them in your beginner guitar class.

You didn’t know his name but he was easy to remember with his long black hair and his ever-changing fashion sense. Today, he resembled something out of a motorcycle magazine with his maroon leather jacket, black ripped jeans, and the bandana tied around his head.

You watched as he took a seat in the front of the room though you had enough sense to turn your attention back to the professor who had started class and was displaying a list of names with corresponding locker numbers that housed the guitar you’d be using.

Standing up with the rest of the class, you went to go find your own locker and let out a sigh of relief when you saw it was on the bottom row because that meant less effort to take it in and out rather than if you had one on the top row.

Right as you popped your lock open, a shadow was cast over you and you turned around to see Mark’s friend who was even more stunning up close. He flashed you a quick smile along with an apology as he moved to the side to give you more room and allow you to grab your guitar out from the locker.

You were just slightly irritated at the guy. People with good looks knew how to use them to their advantage and this man obviously knew what he was doing. Had he been sane, he could’ve just waited for you to get your stuff out before getting his own, but instead, he chose to tower over you as you were crouching down on the floor.

Your eyes followed his figure as he made his way back to his seat in the front of the room, sitting down in front of the professor and you rolled your eyes knowing that he’s going to have an ego as tall as a skyscraper.

Aside from your encounter with the nameless e-boy, your first class went pretty okay though you were already having a little trouble remembering which chords were which so you sent a text to Mark asking for tips. He responds a few minutes later with fingering charts and even offers to tutor you, which you gladly accept.

You and Mark had appointed Wednesday afternoons and Sunday mornings as your lesson times and the first time you visit him is on the former. It was February so the weather was still quite cold though it wasn’t cold enough to make you regret not wearing a thicker jacket.

Before you could even text Mark that you’re outside the frat house, the door opens and he pulls you in, visibly shivering due to only being in a t-shirt and basketball shorts. “Not so Canadian are you, huh?” You joke at him, seeing the once thick-skinned boy now struggling to warm himself up as he practically ran up the stairs to his room.

You followed him up, greeting his roommate, Taeil, when you passed him in the hallway. Taeil was the oldest member of the frat and was set to graduate at the end of the semester. He had you absolutely fooled when you first met him. His personality reminded you of a golden meadow or a sunny beach but he was a total animal when it came to parties though Mark had told you that you’ve only seen the tip of the iceberg.

Having seen Taeil out in the hallway, you thought you and Mark would be the only ones in the room so you weren’t expecting to see the same guy from guitar class lying around on Mark’s bed. “Yuta, this is y/n, y/n meet Yuta.”

Yuta gave you that same smile you saw on the first day of class as he told Mark, “oh, I know her, she’s in my guitar class.”

“Dude, that’s so cool. You guys can work together on projects and the playing tests then. Man, that course would’ve been way more fun if I could play with someone I knew.” You shot Mark an awkward smile as if telling him to move on because you highly doubted that you’d ever want to work with Yuta, especially if his ego was as big as you thought it was. He’d call you out left and right for even the tiniest mistakes and you didn’t want to put yourself through that.

Mark cleared his throat while grabbing his guitar and handing it to you, and Taeil’s guitar to Yuta. “Yeah so, uh, anyway, I thought it would be better to teach you guys at the same time since you both are at the same level if that’s okay with you.” Mark’s question was obviously aimed towards you however Yuta answered first without any hesitation.

“Works for me.” Yuta looked over to you, strands of his white locks falling in front of his eyes though it didn’t dampen the intensity of his gaze in the slightest.

You didn’t exactly like the idea of playing with an audience, even if it was just Yuta. But if he was a beginner like you, then theoretically the playing field should be even. It was only because of this did you nod your head, telling Mark, “sure.”

Your first lesson with Mark consisted of his retaught both you and Yuta the fundamentals and basic chords you had already learned, making sure that your hands and fingers were placed the right way. Yuta, who was having a harder time than you, let out an exasperated sigh as he leaned back against the wall next to Mark’s bed while he ripped open a bag of gummy bears. “Whoever gets the fingerings right first gets a gummy bear.”

“Okay, bet.” Not really one for competition, you wanted to refuse his proposal, but this guy was really getting on your nerves. It was as if he had no interest yet all the passion in the world. And that’s aside from the fact that you simply wanted to continue showing him up and proving that you weren’t such a pushover and he can’t simply bend you to his will.

The three of you became so wrapped up in the competition that you didn’t even notice that you were supposed to leave to get to your last class of the day, which was now starting in five minutes. When you glanced over at the clock on Mark’s desk, you practically jumped out of your seat, “holy shit, I’m gonna be late to class.”

“I can drive you if you want.” Yuta offered.

“No, it’s okay, I’ll be fine.” You weren’t exactly lying but you weren’t entirely telling the truth as you declined him. It was an eight-minute walk away but you could probably make it in six if you did your Black Friday walk and surely your professor wouldn’t mind if you were just a minute late.

Mark helped you gather your belongings and held his door open for you. “Alright, see you y/n. I’ll set an alarm next time so we don’t forget.” He said with a slight laugh in his voice.

As you stepped out of the frat house, you just couldn’t stop your mind from wandering back to Yuta. He barely even knew you yet he had offered to drive you to class, even though your campus wasn’t particularly large. There was something about that man that made you want to run for your life but also just stop and stare at him all day.

The second time you had a lesson with Mark is on a Sunday morning and you’re pleasantly surprised to see that Yuta is nowhere to be found as you set foot into Mark’s room. After placing your bag down next to Mark’s desk, you pick up Taeil’s guitar and join him on his bed while he quietly plays a song to himself.

“Yuta’s still knocked out from the party we had yesterday so I doubt he’ll be joining us.” Mark informed you, and his statement rang true as Yuta did not come in during all of the three hours you spent next to Mark, much to your relief. Instead, Taeil had come in, looking terribly hungover.

“Hey, what’s up man.” Is all Taeil got to say before rolling into his bed, putting in a single Airpod before falling asleep, much to both you and Mark’s amusement.

Mark had tried to teach you basic chord sequences and strumming patterns but your brain just wasn’t having it. He kept giggling at seeing you frustrated and you had to repeatedly tell him to shut up in fear of waking Taeil so eventually both of you decided to call it a day as you put the guitars back on their stands.

You got back onto the bed next to Mark as both of you played on your phones for a bit before he turned his off and turned to talk to you. “Hey, y/n, so the guys are throwing this party next week Saturday and I was wondering if you’d want to come.”

“Next Saturday...Valentine’s Day?” You ask as you check your calendar on your phone.

“Yeah. You don’t have to though if you already have other plans.” Mark blurted out.

You laughed at the thought of actually going on a date on Valentine’s Day. “Didn’t have any plans besides ordering take-out and watching Netflix.”

Mark laughed along with you. “So is that a yes?”

“Sure.”

“Do you wanna sleepover too since you’re gonna be here on Sunday morning anyway?” You raised an eyebrow at Mark, wondering if he was actually serious.

“Sounds convenient but then where are you gonna sleep?” You countered.

“Uh, in Taeil’s bed.” Mark said, the gears in his head almost visibly turning.

“And where is he going to sleep?” You ask, not wanting to cause the kind senior any extra stress from having to deal with Mark as a roommate on top of his impending graduation.

Mark reached up and scratched the back of his head. “I don’t know, probably somewhere on the floor downstairs.” Your eyes grew wide at his statement. “Okay wait, before you yell at me, Taeil always gets too hammered to make it back up to the room until like, Sunday afternoon as you clearly just saw.” He explained, gesturing to his sleeping body on the other side of the room.

“Okay, then. But if he gets mad, it’s your fault, your idea, not mine.”

By the time Valentine’s Day came around, you were more than ready for it to end, having been annoyed by all the lovey-dovey advertisement and the couples posting on Instagram and holding hands and kissing wherever you went. You had always heard that love finds its way to those who are least expecting it, which is why you gave up the thought of ever pining over a guy who was likely to reject you anyway. Though, sure enough, love really did find a way of messing with your life in more than one way.

When you arrived at the party, you had first gone up to Mark’s room to drop off your bag that held your change of clothes and personal hygiene supplies. You don’t know what you were expecting to see when you entered his room, but you certainly weren’t expecting to see Mark’s bare ass while he was fucking into a girl in his bed, the same bed you were supposed to sleep in at the end of the night. “Oh, shit, fuck, sorry y/n, can you just uh, come back in a bit-”

You were pretty sure you were just as embarrassed as Mark, shouting “alright, have fun dude” as you closed the door. You turned around to search for somewhere else to go, pondering on the idea of just going back to your dorm after the party and walked right into Taeil.

“Should I not go in there?” He asked, having seen the way you backed out of the room and closed the door.

“Not unless you wanna see Mark’s butt.”

“Eh, I see it from time to time, can’t be any worse than usual.”

“Taeil, no” you exclaim, grabbing onto his arm and pulling him away before he could open the door.

“Oh, you mean to see his butt while he’s doing that kind of thing, I get it now.” He said with a playful glint in his eyes. “Were you planning on sleeping over?” He asked, having noticed the duffel bag hanging from your shoulder.

You let out a sigh before answering. “Yeah, I was gonna sleep in Mark’s bed and he was gonna sleep in yours since he said you apparently get too fucked up to make it back to the room.” At which Taeil laughs as he nodded his head, acknowledging the statement.

“He’s certainly not wrong,” Taeil confirmed, “did you want to put that down somewhere? I can let you keep it in our lounge room during the party. It’s a members-only room so you can just ask one of the guys to open it for you later in case I’m already out.”

You can’t help but giggle at Taeil’s joke as you accept his offer, following him down the hallway to a door where he punches in some numbers onto a keypad before opening it. Your jaw dropped when you looked inside, being met with a huge U-shaped couch facing the back wall where a large TV was mounted. “What do you guys even do in here?”

“Usually just gaming, sometimes watching big sports matches. Just normal guys stuff. We agreed to no sex, drugs, or alcohol in here so it’s like a safe room of sorts I guess.” Taeil explained to you.

“Huh, didn’t think you guys would have something like this.” You told him as you placed your duffle bag against the wall near the door.

“Frat life isn’t just all about getting high and drunk you know, y/n,” he said, playfully scoffing at you, “but speaking of, would you like to get a drink downstairs?” You nod your head before walking alongside Taeil as he places an arm around your shoulders, guiding you down to the party.

As you pass by Mark’s room along the way to the stairs, both you and Taeil share a laugh as you could hear the faint noises of sex through the door, though you really just wanted to erase the image of Mark’s ass from your head. Taeil seems to understand this much as he takes you to the kitchen and tells Doyoung, the frat’s resident entrepreneur with a side hobby for mixology, to get you something strong.

You’ve met Doyoung a couple of times, though you only exchanged short greetings since you were always doing something with Mark. “Where’s your boyfriend?” He inquired.

“Who?”

“Mark.”

“Oh, we’re not dating. He’s in his room though.”

“Sure seems like you’re dating. Why isn’t he here with you?”

Taeil responds, saving you from having to explain to Doyoung. “He’s getting lucky with some other girl.”

Doyoung’s eyes go wide as he responds, “that’s a first for him.”

You were about to ask what he meant by that but you’re interrupted by loud yells coming from the living room, causing you to turn around and see what was going on. You spot Yuta standing up on the makeshift DJ booth in the corner of the room with Johnny, who you recognized as your TA in your English class, as he grabbed the microphone and shouted “let’s get fucking drunk” before Johnny could manage to yank it out of his grasp and turn it off.

“What’s with that guy?” You mumble to yourself, not really expecting Doyoung to overhear you.

“Oh, Yuta? He’s just like that sometimes.” Doyoung states, shrugging his shoulders as he wiped the kitchen counter with a towel. “He’s that one friend who does really questionable things but you can’t get rid of them because deep down they’re actually pretty nice.”

You raised an eyebrow at him. “You think he’s nice?”

“He is once you get to know him.”

You look at Taeil for reaffirmation only to find that said man is long gone, the only evidence of him ever being there is his yellow phone left lying on the counter next to Doyoung’s own drink. “I’ve gotten to know him and I wouldn’t say he’s nice, per se.”

Doyoung shakes his head at you, “you just haven’t cracked him open yet.”

“Why do you talk as if he’s an egg or something?” You joke laughing to yourself and watching as Doyoung fights back a smile.

“He is, in a sense. He’s got a tougher exterior along with his own inner issues that come tumbling out once he trusts you.”

“Like?”

Doyoung hums in thought before speaking. “I’m not gonna say too much because it’s his life and his own story to tell, but let me just ask you this one question. Don’t you ever wonder why he constantly sleeps around with girls yet never gets into a relationship with any of them?”

You ponder on the question before asking one back. “So are the rumors true?” Yuta’s reputation did precede him and you had, in fact, heard from other girls who had their own stories and adventures with Yuta but you didn’t necessarily believe them completely, not wanting to assume anything about Yuta.

“Some, not all...but yes, most of the ones I have heard were true, but maybe that’s just because people know I live with him so there’s no sense in trying to lie around me.” Doyoung responds to which you nod your head, acknowledging the accuracy behind his statement.

Three shots later of whatever Doyoung was making you, you were already starting to feel hot and lightheaded so you went back upstairs, as per Doyoung’s advice, and made your way to Mark’s room hoping he’d be done by now. You cracked his door open and peeked around it, grumbling to yourself as you saw your best friend and the same girl from earlier wrapped up in his blanket. You weren’t too sure where you were going to sleep tonight and you weren’t too keen on walking back to your dorm this late at night, especially when you were already starting to feel tipsy.

Closing the door quietly, not wanting to disturb the two people inside, you step away from the room, only to run into someone behind you. You spun around, ready to apologize until you realized who it was. Yuta, a quite drunk Yuta too.

“Taeil told me Mark got lucky-” he stopped to hiccup, “but I didn’t fully believe it so I came to-” he hiccuped again, “see for myself, but I think your action speak-” he reached up to briefly rub his eyes, “louder than words” he finished, letting out a yawn at the end. “Need somewhere to stay?”

“How did you know I was sleeping over?” You ask, wary of the man and his intentions.

He waves his hands as if dismissing your preconceived notions. “Taeil told me that too. Makes sense anyway since you’re here on Sunday’s as well.”

You sighed, not wanting to let yourself give in to Yuta yet again and give him another thing to hold over you, but it wasn’t as if you had many other options. “Taeil let me leave my bag in the lounge, can you unlock the door for me? I think I’ll just ask Doyoung to drive me back to my dorm or something.”

Yuta hummed as he grabbed your wrist and led you down the hallway to the lounge. He unlocked the door for you and held it open, but once both of you were inside, he closed the door behind him and turned on the mood lighting and watched as the room began to glow purple.

You picked up your bag as Yuta threw himself over the backrest of the sofa and tumbled onto the cushions. “Has anyone ever told you that you’re beautiful?”

“Well, yeah?” You stuttered, taken aback by his sudden comment.

“Damn, I wanted to be the first.”

“Okay?” You said, questioning his antics as Doyoung’s words floated through your head about Yuta and his trysts with girls, not wanting to become another victim.

As if Yuta could hear you thinking, he sat up and peered over the couch just enough to make eye contact with you, his eyes mischievously shining in the low lighting. “Were you gonna sleep with Mark?” He asked, raising his eyebrow suggestively.

“What? No,” you exclaim, “he’s my best friend, I would never do that.”

“Not like that you sicko,” Yuta said as he chuckled at your flustered state.

“Oh,” realization dawning upon you, “uh, yeah, I was planning to just sleep in his bed and he was gonna take Taeil’s but now I’m pretty sure that’s not happening tonight.”

“You can stay in my room if you want.” Now it was your turn to raise a suggestive eyebrow at him. “No, it’s not what you’re thinking. My roommate is away in China so his side is open. You can sleep in my bed if you’re not comfortable being in a stranger’s bed.” You were surprised he made it through such a long statement without any hiccups.

“Uh, thanks, I guess I’ll take you up on that offer.” You say, finally unrooting yourself from the floor and making your way towards the door.

Yuta begins haphazardly pulling himself over the back of the couch seeing as how you were ready to leave the room. “I’ll show you to the bathroom.” He would’ve face planted straight into the floor if it weren’t for you standing right in his path of destruction, barely catching him before he nearly sent both of you to the ground. “Sorry” he giggled as he regained his balance and pushed open the door.

You couldn’t mistake the way his body felt against yours, how warm and comforting it was. He smelled nice too, which was odd for someone who partied like an animal and lived with god knows how many other guys. You shook yourself out of your thoughts and grabbed your bag, following Yuta out of the lounge.

He led you to the bathroom and instructed you on how to use the shower and lock the door before telling you how to get to his room once you were done. The bathroom was surprisingly neat but you were sure it was thanks to Doyoung and Taeyong, the only two people you thought had their heads on straight in this house. Even if you had only briefly met both of them, it was enough to let you know that those men were the reason why the house somehow looked presentable within just a few hours after a raging party.

You showered quickly, the effect of Doyoung’s drinks really hitting you now, making you want to just pass out. Once you were done showering you threw on one of Mark’s shirts that you had previously stolen, intending on giving it back to him tonight, but you weren’t comfortable wearing your normal beat up sleepwear in front of Yuta, so you opted to wear Mark’s shirt instead.

Not quite wanting to have another incident like the one you had earlier with Mark, you knocked on Yuta’s door just to be safe. You heard him laugh from the inside as he called out “it’s unlocked, just come in.” As you let yourself in, he got off his bed telling you “I’m going to shower now. Just make yourself comfortable in whichever bed you want. I’ll sleep in whatever one you don’t choose.”

After he left the room, you looked between the two beds. One was neatly made and had pictures strung up on the wall next to it, the blankets and sheets folded nicely and placed alongside a few pillows near the foot of the bed. The other, which Yuta had just rolled out of, had wrinkled sheets with the blanket half falling off the bed, not a single pillow within a whole six-foot radius of his bed.

You didn’t really want to mess up the organization of whoever his roommate was, so instead, you just took one of the pillows and plopped it onto Yuta’s bed as you grabbed the blanket from the floor and pulled it over your head, allowing his scent to flood your nose. Just as you were about to drift into sleep, you heard the door open and close followed by rapid footsteps coming your way.

Before you even had time to react, Yuta was flinging himself on top of you and laughing as you gasped for air under his weight. “Somebody looks comfortable.” He teased as you continued squirming, trying to push him off you.

You wouldn’t take him to be a clingy drunk after seeing how rowdy he was during the party, but you suppose this is the side of him that managed to charm so many other girls into thinking they’d be that one lucky girl to finally win over Nakamoto Yuta’s heart. “Get off of me.” You uttered forcefully as you tried to make him move over and relieve the pressure on your chest and stomach.

“You silly, this is my bed” he cooed, letting another round of giggles leave his lips before rolling off you towards the wall, leaving you on the outside of the bed. He threw the blanket over himself, humming as he felt the warmth of it, that you had made, on his freshly showered skin.

Yuta kept his distance as he laid on his back with his eyes closed, his hands reaching up to ruffle his damp hair, speaking of which, “you know people say you can get sick if you go to sleep with damp hair?” You asked him quizzically.

“Yeah, but I’ve never gotten sick from it so I don’t really care.” He said dismissively.

A few moments passed before either one of you spoke again. “Didn’t you say that you were going to sleep in the other bed?” You questioned, remembering your conversation from not too long ago.

“Yeah, but I’m too lazy to unfold everything and put it back in the morning so here I am.” Yuta beamed, smiling over at you. You rolled your eyes at him, scoffing as he continued playing with his hair, making it stick up in different directions. “I can sleep somewhere else if you’re not comfortable with me being here.”

You wanted to say ‘yes, please move’ but you didn’t have enough strength in you to tell him to get out, not when you enjoyed his presence next to you so instead you simply told him “it’s fine” before tugging over more of his blanket and turning to face away from him.

He let out a whine as now half of his body was uncovered and exposed to the cold winter air and he yanked his blanket back, inadvertently pulling you with it, causing you to face him with your forehead nearly resting against his chest. “Why are you hogging my blanket?” Yuta whined.

“I’m not hogging it, you just keep trying to take more than your fair share of it.” You fired back at him.

“This is my room and my blanket.”

“You’re the one who offered to let me stay here, and might I add, you said you were going to sleep in the bed that I didn’t choose.”

“I can always retract my offer, you know.” You shook your head, the idea of asking Doyoung to drive you back to your dorm at 3am wasn’t exactly appealing to you. “Okay then come closer so we can actually share the blanket instead of leaving one of us to freeze.”

You let out a huff and scooted closer to Yuta. “Are you happy now?” Yuta let out a hum as he smiled down at you, the corners of his eyes crinkling underneath the strands of bleached white hair that had fallen in front of his face.

Closing your eyes again, you tried to fall asleep, hoping that you wouldn’t have any further interruptions from Yuta, but you couldn’t seem to fully relax with the main light of the room still on. “Yuta can you turn off the light?” He looked over you, clearly unhappy. “Please?”

“You’re closer.”

“God, why are you so difficult.” You remarked as you slid out from under the blanket, walking over to flip the light switch.

“I’m not difficult, you’re difficult.” He fired at you as the room became dark, illuminated only from the light of the moon. “You’re always so uptight and on edge about getting to class on time and being prepared.”

“Because that’s what a good student does, and unlike you, I actually want to graduate from college in four years.” You spit back as you rolled back into the bed next to him.

“Hey, not everyone graduates within four years, some of us just have a different path in life. And what makes you think that I’m not trying to graduate soon?”

“Your attitude and your seemingly nonexistent care to even make it to class on time.”

“That doesn’t mean I don’t do my work though.”

“But you totally miss the instructions that the professors give at the beginning of class.”

“It’s not hard to figure things out when you’ve got a brain as big as mine.”

“You’re so annoying, just let me sleep.” You grumbled as you moved closer to him, wanting more of the blanket.

Silence falls upon both of you again but you let out a huff when Yuta starts talking again. He sure was annoying as hell when he was drunk. “Do you have feelings for Mark, or like, any other guys...like at all?”

You stared up at him, praying he’d feel the daggers coming from your eyes, “no.”

“Good, I was hoping you didn’t so I could do this.”

“Do wha-”

You hadn’t even finished your sentence before Yuta tilted your chin up and brought his lips to yours, eagerly molding his to fit the shape of yours.

You didn’t know what you were thinking when you started to kiss him back, in fact, you probably weren’t thinking at all. Yuta took it as a green light and let the hand that was against your chin find its way to the back of your neck to pull you in closer. You didn’t realize your body had shifted until you were now completely pressed up against him. It soon became all too hot and suffocating, forcing you to pull away and break the kiss.

Your eyes met his and held his gaze as you came to your senses. “Yuta, I’m not here to have sex with you.”

“Wasn’t planning on it.” He replied almost nonchalantly.

You rolled your eyes at him, “no, I mean, like ever.”

“Okay. Who says I can’t just kiss a pretty girl because I want to?” He asked, the attitude in his voice was almost enough to make you want to slap him.

“I do?” You quipped. “I didn’t tell you that you could kiss me either-”

“Says the person who was definitely not kissing me back.” Yuta teased as he cocked an eyebrow at you, daring you to continue.

You flung the blanket off of you, not wanting to put up with any more of his antics. “Don’t use your fuckboy charms on me, I’m not here to become another one of your girls.”

“Y/n, wait, that’s not what I meant to do,” he whined, grabbing your wrist before you could fully get out of the bed, “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to come off that way and for your information, I am not attached any of the ‘girls’ you are alluding to.”

“You attached yourself to them the moment you put your dick inside them and gave them something to talk about.”

“That's not what I intended to do.”

“Then what is it that you intend to do, Yuta?”

He paused with his mouth slightly open and you took this moment to separate your wrist from his grasp before he spoke again. “I don’t try to ‘charm’ them or whatever you call it. I’m not even looking for a relationship, trust me.”

“And why should I trust you when you have girls practically throwing themselves at you?”

Yuta let out a groan as he flopped onto his back. “Look, I never wanted to be this blunt with you but I’m not looking for a relationship because the last one I was in ended with me getting cheated on.” He paused as if letting his words sink in. “I don’t want to fall in love again because I don’t want to risk going through that same pain another time. I’m scared to fall in love because what if it’s not reciprocated? Is that enough to make you believe me?”

You stare at him in shock, barely managing to stutter out “I’m sorry, I didn’t-”

“It’s fine, let’s just go to sleep, I said too much already.” He interrupted, wrapping his arm around your waist and pulling you back under the blanket. Once you were close enough for his liking, Yuta let go of you, retracting his arm back to his half of the bed though he stopped when he felt your hand on his forearm. He looked up at you with wide eyes as you pulled his arm back over you and allowed your forehead to rest against his chest.

Yuta stayed like that until you fell asleep, finding it hard to do the same. It took him awhile to find himself in the familiar lull due to his thoughts running rampant in his mind as his eyes traced over your features. If only you could read his mind, you’d know of the dilemma he realized he had wrapped himself into that he was too scared to admit on his own.

You woke up with a pounding headache, to say the least. Reaching up to massage your forehead, you tried to roll onto your back only to find that you weren’t able to. You jerked around, finding Yuta’s sleeping body as you remembered the events and conversations that took place just hours prior. You stilled as you took a moment to admire the way the golden rays of sun seeped in through the window, falling across his face and causing him to have an ethereal glow. He’d be quite attractive if it wasn’t for his attitude.

However, his face alone wasn’t enough to distract you from the fact that he was practically spooning you and you weren’t confident that you could get out without waking him though what really irked you was the fact that part of you didn’t want to leave from his warm embrace.

You stayed in his arms for a few minutes longer until your headache became unbearable and your throat was begging for something to drink. You tried your best to gently extract yourself from Yuta but much to your distaste, he woke up. He caused you even more displeasure when he pulled you back towards himself and whined “where are you going?”

“I’m thirsty and I have a headache.” You stated plainly, your voice void of energy.

Yuta whined once more before trying to reason with you. “But it’s cold, it’s cuddle weather.”

“I didn’t say that I wanted to cuddle with you.” You pointed out, at which Yuta finally forced his eyes open as he yawned and stretched before sighing.

“I’ll get you water and some ibuprofen if you stay for a little longer.”

“Fine, but that’s only because I don’t have anywhere else to go.” You were trying to convince him of this as much as you were trying to convince yourself of the statement while he gave you one of the brightest smiles you’ve seen from a full-time college student as he climbed over you and let himself out of the room.

You took this time as an opportunity to use the bathroom and peek into Mark’s room as you made your way back. You were surprised to see there was no one in the room and nearly jumped when an arm wrapped around your waist from the back. “Are we spying on Mark?” Yuta whispered into your ear.

Scoffing, you answer “he’s not even in there, you idiot.”

“Huh, I wonder where he went,” Yuta contemplated, “might as well grab the guitars while we’re here.” He handed you the glass of water and pills he was carrying as he walked into Mark’s room and picked up the two guitars from their stands.

“What are we supposed to do without Mark?”

“Practice? What else are we supposed to do?” The man in front of you asked rhetorically.

You shook your head at him, not liking the sound of his idea. “We won’t know if we’re doing anything right, we’re literally both beginners.”

“That doesn’t mean we can’t help each other.” Yuta countered.

“Ugh, whatever, you’re so irritating.” And with that, you down the pills and turn to walk back to his room.

Playing guitar with Yuta wasn’t actually all that terrible. He knew more than he let on during your shared sessions with Mark and he offered you some tips every so often as he led both of you through the chord progression sheet. The whole scene of it was quite surreal, the way you and Yuta were both simply clothed in plain t-shirts, hair still roused from sleep, the way the sun gently lit the room and warmed it up.

You were genuinely enjoying yourself and didn’t even notice when Mark came into the room. “You guys started without me?” He whined cutely.

Yuta looked at you and you gestured at him to respond. “Y/n went to go spy on you in your room but you weren’t there so we decided to steal the guitars and have fun on our own.” You shot Yuta a look, hoping he understood the ‘I will strangle you’ glare you were giving him.

“Wow y/n, why were you spying on me man?” Mark asked dejectedly.

“I was just checking to see if your girl was still with you because I didn’t want to barge in on anything, again.” You tease.

Mark groans and covers his face out of embarrassment. “Oh gosh, don’t remind me.”

“Wait, wait, you saw Mark naked?” Yuta questioned with his eyes wide. “He has a big butt doesn’t he?” He added, smirking, at which both you and Mark yell at him to shut up. “Just saying facts.” He claims, raising his hands up in defense.

“Anyways,” Mark said a little too aggressively, “are you guys doing okay on your own? Or did you want me to join?”

Again, Yuta turned to you for a response, though this time you really hated yourself for what you answered with. “No, I think we’re fine, thanks though.”

“Better go wash your sheets bro, you were wild last night.” Yuta called out as Mark left the room.

“Dude,” Mark exclaimed, “don’t ever say that again, please bro.” And just like that, I was only you and Yuta again.

“Speaking of parties,” Yuta began, “we’re thinking of holding another one in March before spring break. Wanna come?”

“I can’t believe you guys are already planning another one not even a whole day after getting drunk out of your mind.” You joke, the disbelief obvious in your expression.

“Hey, you have to let loose every once in a while,” he states, “but my offer still stands.”

You hum, faking getting lost in thought, “ask me again in a month and I’ll let you know.”

“I’ll take that as a yes,” you tilted your head to the side, the look on your face clearly ridiculing him, “for now.” He adds on.

You went back to looking over the chord progression sheet and tried again to go through the one you were on before Mark came in. You almost succeed this time until you place your fingers one fret away from where they were supposed to be. “Yikes” Yuta comments as he reaches out and shifts your hand over for you, causing you to stick your tongue out at him.

It seemed only reasonable that when the guys continued having parties every so often, that you were invited to every single one of them whether it be through Mark or Yuta, and the one time Johnny had hit you up not knowing your involvement with the frat already, or even when Taeil invited you though it was really because Mark needed help sorting out his relationship issues.

Everyone except you was surprised that Mark had found himself a girlfriend, especially one that wasn’t you. You were happy for him, even if it meant having to respond to his panicked texts at 2am asking what something meant in ‘girl language’ accompanied by numerous screenshots.

Mark often ended up leaving you and Yuta on your own on Sundays because that was the only day when both he and his girlfriend were free. You certainly didn’t mind spending more time with Yuta now that he stopped being such a cocky asshole all the time. Whatever absence Mark had left, Yuta was there to make up for it whether it be his lingering touches, shy kisses, and even the offering of his clothes to you when you accidentally ended up sleeping over again, though this time you voluntarily shared a bed with him.

Yuta was becoming a necessary presence in your life, though you didn’t mind. You didn’t mind it when he moved to sit next to you during class. You didn’t mind when he asked to work with you for the upcoming playing test. You didn’t mind when he found you during parties swept you away from the dance floor to take you elsewhere.

You especially didn’t mind when taking you elsewhere resulted in your current situation, your hands tangled in Yuta’s now orange-colored hair, as you lay under him while he kissed you breathless.

“You look so fucking hot, you had all of them staring at you.” Yuta growls out between kisses.

You bite his bottom lip, causing him to groan slightly. “Mmm, you like that though. You like it when I look like this.”

“Not when other men get to look at you the way I do.”

“And why is that?”

“Because you’re mine.”

The use of the word caused you to stop in your tracks, Yuta pulling back as your lips stopped moving against his. “What are we?” You ask him, your voice shaking.

“What do you mean?”

“Like, this relationship?” You say, gesturing between the two of you, “What is our relationship to each other?”

“We’re friends.”

“But are we just friends? Because I don’t think friends kiss each other like this.”

“They don’t, but that doesn’t mean we can’t.” Yuta interjected as he leaned in to reattach his lips to yours.

“No, Yuta, stop,” you declare, pulling away from him, “I told you I’m not someone you can just play around with. If you want to keep me as a friend, then that’s all we will be. No kissing, no flirting, none of that.”

“I’m not playing around with you-”

“Then why is it so hard for you to place a label on us?” You questioned him, unintentionally raising your voice ever so slightly.

He rolled off of you, throwing an arm up to cover his eyes as he let out a sigh of exasperation. “I...I don’t know.”

“We’re clearly more than just friends but if you’re not willing to commit to being something more, then I’ll leave it at that.”

“Y/n, I- fuck, I don’t know what I even want-”

“And that’s okay,” you interrupt, “I’ll just give you time to think then, but for now,” you pause as you stand up from his bed, “just friends.” And with that you let yourself out of his room and ventured back downstairs to the party without turning back, finding comfort in the common sight of Johnny manning the boards, Doyoung in the kitchen with the drinks, even down to Taeyong and Taeil drunkenly swaying with each other on the dance floor.

“Here, something sweet to get rid of that sour look on your face.” Doyoung joked as he slid a drink across the counter.

You let out a chuckle as you raised the glass to your lips. “That obvious huh?”

“It is when I know whose room you just came from and who you’ve been spending all your time with.” He was really too intelligent to be stuck with these idiots.

You could only sigh as you took a large swig of whatever it is Doyoung made for you, relishing in the burn it gave you as it went down your throat, wishing for the alcohol-induced pain to overtake the one in your mind caused by the one and only Nakamoto Yuta.

Needless to say, you and Yuta ended up changing songs for the playing test and performing alone. Yuta moved back to his previous seat in the front of the room, though you still felt the way his eyes practically pierced through you as you played your chosen song, which albeit, was on the easier side since you wanted to give yourself a break.

Unbeknownst to you, Yuta wished so badly to be the person you were singing about. “Can you focus on me? Baby can you focus on me?” You sang, and he mentally beat himself to the ground.

Yuta still wanted to give you the world more than anything but he didn’t trust himself to do so, not when he’s already hurt you more than he should have. He became so caught up in his thoughts that he didn’t even notice you finished playing until he heard the applause coming from your classmates.

You actually did end up going to their spring party, but it was due to a request made by Johnny as he told you about Mark’s current post-breakup state near the end of your English class together. “He’s pretty much been in his room all the time. Not like the normal kind where he just prefers to chill in his room, but like, the kind where he doesn’t even come down to eat with us and Taeil has to bring food up to him.”

“Did Mark say anything about the breakup? Like why or how it happened?” You questioned, not wanting to have to ask Mark himself in case it was still too sensitive a subject to talk about.

Johnny hummed in thought, cocking his head to the side. “He didn’t say much to me, but he told Taeil that she wasn’t looking for anything serious but he thought that she was.” Johnny paused to take a sip from the Starbucks cup on his desk. “In my opinion, he should’ve waited to get to know her instead of just fucking her and deciding to date her y’know? But, I mean, that’s on him, so as they say, not my problem.” He shrugged his shoulder before taking another sip of his drink.

“Literally who says that?” You joke, enjoying poking fun at the older guy.

Johnny turned to you, a mock look of offense plastered onto his face. “Y/n! You don’t know? The famous Johnny Suh says it all the time.” You rolled your eyes at him as you packed up your belongings, promising to be at the party later that night, not exactly fancying the thought of running into a certain someone at the party as well.

Mark’s fiery whirlwind of a romance had left him to become a mess of all sorts and you spent your time with him at the party in his bed, watching tik toks and animal video compilations to get his mind off of things. You felt a sense of relief as you heard one of his faint snores, realizing that he was asleep, allowing you to slip out of his room and head downstairs to grab a drink from Doyoung.

Right as you were about to head back up, you saw the all too familiar head of orange hair glowing under the dim lighting as he looked down across the party from the bottom of the staircase. He didn’t seem to notice you as you made your way towards him until a small “hey” left your lips.

His eyes darted over to your face, offering a simple nod of his head to you to acknowledge your presence. You stood next to him, leaning against the wall until you broke the silence “how have you been?”

“Fine. You?”

“Pretty good I guess.” You could tell he didn’t want to talk to you, but you didn’t want to leave him, just feeling so drawn to him. Finding comfort in his presence, you closed your eyes and let your head fall against the wall as you lost yourself in the music that Johnny had going.

“I’ll get going, this party isn’t as exciting as normal.” Yuta stated as he turned to go back upstairs. Starting up the stairs after him, wanting to check in on Mark again, but when Yuta heard you following him, he turned around and called out to you. ”Don’t follow me, you’ll end up in my arms.” You froze as he turned back around and continued his way up while you processed his words, allowing him to escape from you yet again.

You watched from an outsider's perspective and through the narratives of the other guys as over the next few days, Yuta replaced Mark as the resident vegetable. He fell into the same state Mark was previously in, said boy having slowly come back to his senses with your constant nurturing and care.

Party after party, Yuta was no longer down on the dance floor with one hand holding a red solo cup, another around the waist of a girl he had just met. You wanted so badly to speak to him, but whenever you spotted him off to the edges of the crowd, he’d disappear seconds later like he knew you were watching him. As much as it was nice to have Mark back and go back to your normal best friend activities, Yuta had lodged himself in your heart without you knowing it.

Countless parties more and it was already nearing the end of spring semester. Yuta had stopped showing up to class, appearing once or twice a week, at most. Even at parties, he no longer came out of his room, according to Taeil. You had been meaning to talk to Yuta for a while now, but with finals looming right around the corner and his ability to hole himself up in his room, it was nearly impossible to find the time and place for it.

You were sick of worrying about him and if he was eating and sleeping okay, often finding yourself wondering what he was currently doing while you were studying or eating your own meals. You hated how often he occupied your mind. You truly wanted to believe that you were different to him, that someday he’d come around ready to commit to something but you ridiculed yourself for thinking that you’d have enough power to change someone as stubborn as Yuta. Little did you know, you were more than capable of doing so.

You had just entered the last week before finals and your school was generous enough to allot students a two day period to study before finals started. Of course, the frats and sororities took it as a last-ditch opportunity to party before their seniors graduated. You attended the party thrown to celebrate the graduating Taeil, Johnny, and Taeyong, but you were there for a different reason.

Throwing a quick greeting to Doyoung in the kitchen as you entered, he offered you a drink, which you told him to save for later before storming up the stairs. You were tired of all the hours you spent thinking about Yuta. If he wasn’t going to do anything about this, then you were whether it ended your friendship with him or not. You were done thinking about all the what-ifs, you wanted a definitive answer and you wanted it now.

Stopping in front of Yuta’s door, having enough manners to think about knocking before entering, you raised your hand to knock. Though before you were able to, you heard the music coming from inside. It didn’t take a genius to recognize that it was his voice singing the words. You froze with your hand against the door as you continued to listen to him. “Oh, how I love you. I just feel so lost without you.”

You opened his door slowly, knowing fully well that he wouldn’t be able to hear you knock over the loud noise coming from the party and his own blue-toned song. Both of you stood there in shock as your eyes met. Yuta was sitting on his bed with Taeil’s guitar in his lap and a notebook laid open next to him while you stood in the middle of his doorway, hand still on the knob.

Oh, how you missed the sight of him, even when he was dressed as simply as he was right now with just a grey t-shirt and black shorts sporting the logo of his favorite soccer team. “Yuta, we need to talk” you blurted out, stopping yourself from ogling him any further.

“Alright.” He complied, closing the notebook as you sat at the foot of his bed.

You take in a deep breath before starting. “I’m pretty sure you know this already, but I like you,” pausing to regather yourself and push through the rest of the speech you practiced in your head, “I’ve spent a lot of time thinking about you recently and I just want to settle this whole thing once and for all.”

Yuta nodded while picking at his fingers which you could see were now raw from playing the guitar so much, making you wonder just how often he was on it. “I’ve been thinking about you too...a lot,” he said as he looked up at you, “and I think I have an answer for you.”

You plant your hand down next to you on his bed, resting your weight on it and letting your head loll to the side as you raise an eyebrow at him asking him to continue. “I like you too, and I know the way I’ve been acting doesn’t really show that but I’m just scared.”

“Of what?”

“Of getting hurt again.” Yuta said, letting his head rest in his hands.

“Yuta, you know I would never cheat on you.”

“That’s what she told me too, but people can be deceiving.”

“Look, I’m not her,” you pointed out to him, “and I’m telling you right now that I would not even think about cheating on you.”

“Yeah, well, things can change.” Yuta let out exasperatedly.

“So you should change with them. You’re not going to grow unless you accept those changes.”

He went silent for a bit before looking up at you. “Teach me how to accept them, then.”

“What do you mean by that?” You ask him, your eyes meeting his.

“Show me that you’re different. Prove to me that not all change is bad.”

You moved closer to him as he spoke, swinging a leg over his lap and straddling him. “I will.”

Yuta’s eyes fluttered shut and you felt as he shakily exhaled before he reopened his eyes. “Can I kiss you?”

You nodded, and this time it was your eyes that closed as Yuta connected his lips to yours. Within a few seconds, you felt his tongue brush against your bottom lip, asking for entrance, which you allowed and gave him a sense of dominance before letting your tongue dance with his while gently pushing him down onto the bed.

He whined as he broke the kiss and rolled both of you over, switching your positions, preferring to smother your body with his, making you giggle at his actions. “Thank you for asking this time.” You told him, referencing the first time he had kissed you.

“I was drunk, okay? I wasn’t thinking straight and I just wanted to kiss you so badly.” Yuta groaned, grinding his growing erection on your hip at the last part.

“Oh you wanna kiss me so bad huh?” You teased.

You could’ve sworn he let out a growl right then before responding “fuck yeah I do” and reconnecting your lips to his. After fighting your tongue yet again, he pulled away and slowly opened his now lust-filled eyes. “Are you sure you want this?”

“Yes,” you let out breathlessly, “I want it.”

“Who do you want?” He questioned as he slipped his hands under your shirt, gently kneading your breasts while kissing along your jaw and down your neck.

“You.”

“Baby, say my name.”

“Yuta, I want you.”

“Fuck, I love it when you say my name.” He said as he pulled his shirt off, throwing it down to the floor as you sat up and did the same.

The second your shirt was off, Yuta’s hands were already undoing the clasp of your bra, tossing it to the side as well before pushing you back down and running his hands over your breasts. His mouth latched onto one of your nipples as his hand played with the other.

You let out a whine as he pushed his erection against your clit, making you feel your own arousal that had started leaking out onto your underwear. Yuta glanced up at you, smirking, as he heard the sound you made. “Someone’s getting needy.” He kissed his way down your abdomen, sitting back once he reached the waistband of your pants, pulling them off along with your underwear.

He groaned as he took in all of your naked beauty, telling you “you’re so fucking hot” as he spread your legs and brought his face down to your folds and licking a long strip upwards. He repeated this motion a few times before you let out a frustrated moan at his teasing.

Yuta laughed at your desperation until your hand wove it’s way into his hair and pushed him closer to where you wanted him most. He seemed to get the message as he dove in, allowing you to get lost in the feeling of his tongue swirling around and pressing at your entrance.

You weren’t expecting it when you suddenly felt him pressing a finger into you, though you enjoyed the sensation of it and raised your hips to feel more, only to be met with Yuta’s free hand coming down on your stomach, holding you down. He waited for you to relax before inserting a second digit, then a third as he started to speed up and finger fuck you open.

He was reaching places inside of you that you had never reached before but you still wanted more. “Yuta,” you breathed out, “just fuck me already.”

“Well when you say it like that, there’s no way I can resist” he said, a sly smile creeping onto his face as he sat up, his erection bobbing as he tugged off his ripped jeans, freeing it from its confines.

“Condom” you tell him.

“Oh, you’re one of those girls,” he snickered, earning him a smack on the arm from you, “I’m just kidding, jeez, I don’t want to have to be responsible for a child just yet.” He defended as he reached over and stuck his hand into one of the drawers of his nightstand.

“I’m not risking getting pregnant when I can barely pay my tuition.” You quipped back at him.

“Fair enough.” Yuta remarked as he ripped open the package and rolled the condom over his already leaking cock.

He crawled over you, his elbows coming to rest next to either side of your head. “Are you sure you want this?” He asked as he lined himself up with your entrance.

“Are you sure want this?” You countered to him, both of you knowing fully well what you meant since once he went through with this, there was no turning back. Yuta was promising himself to you just as you had done to him.

You watched as his eyes found yours, “I want this, I want you, I want us.” With that he pushed himself into you, both of you letting out sinful moans as he bottomed out.

He barely gave you time to adjust before he started slowly rocking his hips as your legs wrapped around his waist, pulling him closer while your hands found their way into his brightly colored locks. Just as he began to accelerate his movements, thrusting harder and faster, his door swung open.

Mark walked in casually, “hey, Yuta have you seen Taeil’s- holy shit i’m so sorry” he exclaimed once he realized the situation.

Yuta didn’t even pause as he told Mark “it’s on the floor.”

If you weren’t struggling to hold back your lewd sounds in the presence of your best friend, you would’ve laughed at how Mark snatched up the guitar and bolted out of the room, muttering “guess we’re even now, y/n” as he shut the door.

You let out a whimper as Yuta hit your spot the second the door closed. “Fuck, right there.”

He pushed himself into you a few more times before suddenly rolling over, bringing you to straddle him. “Ride me” he commanded, one of his hands coming to rub your clit. You began bouncing on his lap and clenched around him, drawing a moan from him. “I won’t last long if you keep doing that.”

“Good, I'm not going to either.” You informed him, already feeling the knot in your stomach begging to be released.

Your thighs were starting to become sore though you didn’t want to stop. Yuta noticed your change of pace, bringing both his hands up to your hips as he began thrusting up into you. You let out a cry as he managed to brush against your most sensitive areas, causing an orgasm to wash over you.

His movements slowly only for a bit as he let you take control, riding out your high before firmly grasping your hips again and bouncing you on himself, relishing in the feeling of your tight walls fluttering around him.

Staying true to his word, Yuta came shortly after you, filling the condom with his cum. He continued to push himself up into you until it became too much and he pulled out with a hiss. Yuta gently you down on his bed before getting up to dispose of the condom in the trash bin next to his nightstand.

You welcomed him with open arms as he climbed back into bed, his own arms wrapping around your waist as he began pressing light kisses across your collarbone as he broke the silence. “So does this make us a thing?”

“Depends on what you mean by that.” You tell him, wanting him to clearly voice his thoughts.

“Are we official?” He clarified.

“Only if you want us to be.”

Yuta smiled up at you. “y/n, Yuta’s girl, I like the sound of that.” You leaned down to press a kiss to his lips before he spoke again. “That song was about you, by the way”

“I figured that much.” You stated as you pushed his hair out of his face.

He giggled as he told you “I wrote it after jacking off to the thought of you.”

“Okay, you didn’t have to tell me that.” He let out a full laugh this time as he rolled both of you onto your sides and brought his forehead to rest against yours.

“Gosh, as if you weren’t clingy enough before this.” You joke, playfully kissing his nose.

“I’m all yours now.” Yuta cooed, his arms pulling your still naked body impossibly closer to his.

804 notes · View notes

linopetal · 3 years

Text

photograph. chapter one

pairing : na jaemin x reader

genre : angst , fluff , best friends to almost lovers , hanahaki disease au

word count : 5k

warnings : heavy cursing , mentions of blood , throwing up , dying , death

synopsis : so you can keep me inside the pocket of your ripped jeans holding me closer 'til our eyes meet you won't ever be alone

note : this heavily based off of ed sheeran’s song photograph ! ( it will make more sense in the later chapters ! ). this is also based on jaemins love for photography since he is always taking pictures of the members !

one.

At nine years old , Jaemin was gifted his first camera by his mother on Christmas morning. His mother always saw the look inside his eyes when they landed on the nice and expensive cameras in the mall. He always found nature in itself so pretty. His mother decided that a white disposable camera would perfectly fit him for his Christmas present. “ Jaemin it’s time for you to open your gift “ , his mother said in a soft voice. He remembers anxiously running up to the colorfully light christmas tree and bending down to pick up a present with his name largely written over it in black ink . The wrapping paper had pretty white snowflakes and snowmen printed all over. Quickly grabbing the present , he ripped open the box only to reveal a camera. He remembers this warm and happy feeling flowing throughout him. Most children his age would want toys and things like that , but that was not Jaemin. He didn’t see what was so important about toys that you would soon get rid of once you found a new and cooler looking toy. Grabbing the white camera , he hugged his mom. “ Thank you Mom! This is my favorite gift “ , he said smiling.

At ten years old , Jaemin was taking pictures of different things he ran across of during his walks in the neighborhood park. He vividly remembers taking a walk in the near by park that was recently built in his neighborhood. He stumbled across this little pond. Jaemin was fond of animals. Whether it be a dog or a goose , it didn’t matter to him , he thought they were all such beautiful creatures. He quickly grabbed his camera out of his back pocket to take a picture of the ducks swimming in the pond before they swam off. Jaemin wrote on the palm of his hand , “ Pond. Nice spot for photos “ as a reminder to come back to that exact spot another time to take photos. He still had the same old disposable white camera that he was gifted one christmas ago.

two.

At fifteen years old , Jaemin had just entered the ninth grade. Jaemin was always a quiet student. He didn’t interact with many students. Though , Jaemin was popular amongst some because of his looks and nice personality , he preferred to stay out of the crowd. He never liked being the center of attention in any context. He was fine with his one and only friend , Renjun. Huang Renjun had been Jaemin’s best friend since the second grade. They had met during the first day of school. Jaemin’s mom had made him a small creeper necklace.

Renjun had notice it and engaged in a very long conversation with him about how Minecraft was the best game to ever exist. And since that day they were inseparable. Renjun was basically Jaemin’s brother. He was always invited to family events. It was the same for Renjun aswell. They did everything together. Jaemin was very appreciative of Renjun. He had never had a friend like him. They stuck together throughout elementary.

Jaemin had just moved to a new neighborhood. His mom had recently got promoted to a higher placement in the company she worked at so they had to move a little ways over to be closer to her job. Renjun’s parents worked at the same branch of the company that Jaemin’s parents worked at meaning that they both would still go to the same school.

During the first day of nineth grade , Jaemin had decided to take his new green disposable camera with him , which he bought with money he saved up from doing chores. He bought it with him for on his way back to his house from school. There was a pretty park and he just felt like he had to capture the beauty he felt it held.

Jaemin was intimidated easily by people , though he was careful with the emotions he showed. He was to busy placing his camera into his backpack to notice the visibly taller and scary looking guys approaching him “ Hey what is that in your hand ? “ , the middle one asked sarcastically. “ Uh uhm its just a uh camera “ , Jaemin said nervously. “ Oh well mind if I see it for a second ? “ , the middle one asked with a fake smile on his face. Jaemin got a weird feeling in his stomach yet he was scared to say no so he simply nodded and complied out if fear of the strong boy. As he place the green camera in the boy’s hand , he heard the two other boys chuckle. Jaemin had attempted to take the camera back out of his hand but he failed in his attempt. Right then and there the middle boy took the camera , threw it on then ground , stomp on it and broke it into pieces. He looked at Jaemin and said , “ Thats what you get for being weird camera boy “, he said. Jaemin was upset. He spent six months saving up money to afford that camera. All the photos he had taken and all the memories stored were simply gone. He held back his tears and then all of a sudden he heard yelling. “ You asshole , why would you do that ? Fuck you , there was no point in that. “ you said angrily. “ Hey, Y/N you better calm down now “ the middle boy said in a mad voice. “ Fuck no “ , you said as you slapped the boy. Jaemin was caught off guard. No one had stood up for him when things like this occurred. Renjun was too much of a coward to stand up , and Jaemin understood that. He watched as you walked up to him and asked him , “ Hey , are you okay? I’m so sorry Jihoon acted that way to you. I’m Y/N by the way. If you want, I could by you a new camera ? “ , you said to him in a worried yet sweet tone. Jaemin was embarrassed. Eyes were on him and you which made him feel weird. You had notice his sudden discomfort due to the people staring and you looked at them and glared. When they turned their heads around you looked back at him with a soft smile. He realized it had been a good 20 seconds and he hadn’t answered you yet. “ Oh uh I’m Jaemin. Thank you so much. You don’t have to buy me a camera. I can just save up some money to buy another one “ , He said. “ Oh no don’t worry. It’s no bother Jaemin! “ , you said in a soft tone. He liked the way you said his name. And ever since then ,you two became best friends.

About a week after the incident that occurred on the first day of school , you and Jaemin had miraculously became friends. In the spam of seven days you both managed to find out you both live right beside each other , you both love peaches , and you both have an addiction to horror movies. You were both practically made to be best friends. From that day on it was you , Renjun , and Jaemin. You all had became best friends. It was you three against the world. You couldn’t ask for better friends.

One day , Jaemin had just woken up on a Saturday morning to the sound of his doorbell ringing multiple times. He thought he was going to catch a headache. He was a little annoyed but his annoyance quickly disappeared when he opened the door to only see you. He smiled so widely while looking at you that he didn’t even notice the item in your hand. Your were so cute , how could he not ? As you walked inside his nice and comfy home , you handed him the small box in your hand. “ What is this Y/N ? “ , he asked. “ Just open it Jaemin , I’m positive you will love it “ , you said smiling. You had a nice smile , he thought. You had known each other for eight months now , why was he thinking such things ? He shook the thoughts away and slowly started to unwrap the box. A camera. No. It wasn’t just any camera , it was a real camera. Not a disposable camera , a real one. He was shocked that you spent so much money on this. But he was beyond happy. “ Y/N , you really didn’t have to you know ? “ he said , still in shock. “ I know but , I wanted to. You love photography and I thought it would be a nice appreciation gift. Plus , when we hung out here a month ago , your mom showed me all the photos you’ve taken. They’re beautiful Jaemin. It’s artwork. So I thought you deserve this kind of camera. “ , you said sweetly to him. Why were you so perfect ? And why were you the most kind hearted and selfless person he had ever met ? And why was he feeling things he had never before ? It was that moment he realized , he had liked you. He didn’t realize it then , but to put it simply , Jaemin was fucked. When he became conscious of how he felt , he only watched those feelings grow stronger.

three.

Junior year had now arose. During sophomore year he met Chenle , Jisung , and Dongyhuck who all became an addition to your now expanded friend group. Jaemin had met them during try outs for the soccer team. He had been acquaintances with Hyuck prior. They had both met in ninth grade biology but they all didn’t become close until sophomore year. You were all inseparable. Friday movie nights were a frequent thing. You loved hanging out with them. But recently, everyone besides you and Jeno , had notice a recent change in Jaemin’s behavior. It had all came about when the two new boys , Mark and Jeno , had transferred to your school the beginning of junior year ( which they quickly became an addition to your friend group ) . The boys didn’t understand why Jaemin always sent Jeno an envious look. Jeno and Jaemin had naturally hit it off when they first had met. Jeno felt understood by Jaemin and Jaemin felt the same exact way. But what Jeno and you failed to realize was that Jaemin slowly had become envious of him in these recent months. The rest of the boys didn’t want to pry on Jaemin because they , themselves , didn’t understand the underlying situation and potential problem. So , they had let it slide due to the well being of their friend group.

Donghyuck had invited the whole group to his house for the usual friday movie night. On Monday , Hyuck sent out a text to the ‘ barbie’s life in the dream house ‘ group chat ( name was Mark’s choice , of course ) the list of food needed and who was to buy what. Donghyuck was never one to care about relatively anything BUT when it came to food he was one specific human being.

“ Did you all get the EXACT food I told you too ? “ , Hyuck said with a raised eyebrow. “ Yes , Yes we did Donghyuck “ , Chenle said. “ And before you ask , I didn’t forget to buy you tteokbokki “ , Jaemin said. “ You’re my favorite Jaemin just so you know “ , Hyuck said , sending a finger heart Jaemin’s way.

When Jaemin saw you walk through the door , he couldn’t help the way his heart had begun to beat so incredibly fast. Jaemin was one to observe every detail of a person. He noticed every small to large detail about you in that moment and he admired it all. He wanted to rush to you and sit right beside you but he saw the way Jeno beat him to it. Jaemin let out a sigh which caused Renjun’s attention. “ Hey you okay Jaemin ? “ , Renjun asked Jaemin. “ Yea uh just stressed “ , he replied. Renjun only nodded , turning away to focus on Chenle who had a bunch of movies in his hands. But Jaemin attempted to move his eyes away from the flirtatious scene infront of him.

“ Hey Jaemin “ , mark said , pulling Jaemin out of his thoughts and trance , “ Did you bring your camera ? We should take a group photo right now like we always do ! “ , mark suggested and everyone cheered. The camera. The one you bought him. You. You. You. Always fucking you. Jaemin shook his heading and grabbed his camera , signaling everyone to gather around. Of course you were right beside Jeno. He pushed a painful feeling down his throat. He clicked the timer button and went to join the photo. After the photo was done he put the camera in his bag and sat beside Donghyuck. And you , of course you were by Jeno.

Chenle suddenly placed all the movies infront of him on the carpet. “ Okay , We need to choose what we are going to watch right ? “ , he said and everyone nodded. “ So that means , Close your eyes and when I call out a movie name , raise your hand if you want to watch it okay ? The movie with the most votes is what were are going to watch. “ , Chenle explained. “ Since when were you so bossy Mr. Zhong Chenle ? “ Jeno jokingly asked. And there it was , your beautiful giggle. But again , was it for Jaemin , was it directed towards Jaemin because of something funny he said ? No. Never was it. It was for Jeno as always. Jaemin felt something poking at his throat. Ouch. It hurt but he tried to suppress the pain in order to focus on picking a movie.

“ Okay close your eyes everyone “ , Chenle ordered. “ Zootopia “ “ Rio 2 “ “ The Nun “ “Chucky “ , Chenle named out. “ Okay open now. We have the movie! “ , Chenle announced. “ What is it ? Tell me Tell me “ , you said in the softest voice ever. Jaemin suddenly wanted everything to stop. “ Chucky!” , Chenle said . “ Yay! “ , you cheered , Jeno smiled that perfect eye smile of his , and hugged your arm. This wasn’t good , Jaemin thought. He then felt a pain in his throat and motioned to the others that he was going to the bathroom and would be right back. What is this pain ? It hurt so damn much as if he was going to throw up something unusual.

He was right. Very unusual. Terrifying. Fucking scary. He felt like he was going to faint. Petals. Fucking petals. He threw up goddamn petals. Not just any petals. They were pink carnations. Fucking hell. Jaemin memorized many meanings of flowers. He always thought flowers were beautiful. He loved the fact that each of them had their on individual meaning and significance. But pink carnations, they symbolized “ I’ll never forget you “. Jaemin couldn’t stop freaking out. His hands had begun to uncontrollably shake once he realized what was happening. Hanahaki disease. Fucking hanahaki disease. He hoped this wasn’t it. He really hoped. He tried to pick up his phone and look up what was happening. And damnit , it fucking was hanahaki disease. A disease where a person falls in deep love with someone but the person that their inlove with doesn’t return their feelings so they start throwing up the petals of the favorite flower of the person their inlove with. And if they end up never returning the feelings , you die. A flower will form in your throat causing the thorns to kill you. But there is always chance that they might love you back , a very small chance. And he was throwing up pink carnations. How fucking relevant.

Jaemin quickly realized that if he didn’t clean up the bathroom quick and go back to the living room , they are all going to start worrying. But he knew he couldn’t stay. It hadn’t fully hit him that he was going to possibly die soon , but he was aware and there was no way in hell way he going to go back there and quicken the process. He quickly ran out the door to the living room and attempted to give some shitty ass excuse to get the hell out of there before something bad happens.

“ Hey guys , I just don’t feel well. I think I am just going to go home and get some rest “ , He said apologetically. “ Oh bye Jaemin! I love you “ you said smiling. That hurt. It hurt so much but he bottled it all up. “ Yea we love you! Get home safe “ , Jeno said waving bye with the other boys. That hurt worse.

Why was the world so unfair to Jaemin ? Why was the world such a shitty and unfortunate place ? And why did Jaemin have to live on a time limit ? Jaemin couldn’t do this. Three years of his life he has spent liking you and now he finds out he is going to die because of it ? How much more shitty could life possibly get ?

The sky wasn’t completely dark. There was enough light to take photos. Photography was his forever safety. He grabbed his camera and took pictures of every beautiful thing he could find. But you were the most beautiful thing of all. Yet he couldn’t obtain you. He could only imagine you both in an alternative universe.

He suddenly remembered all the photos he took of you on this camera when you both hung out. He sighed , “ What am I going to do “.

Jaemin didn’t even realize then , life could get even more shitty than it already was.

four.

A month had passed. All weekend long , Jaemin was restless. At this point , he could say he was officially sleep deprived. His mind was filled with you. Of all things it had to be you , always. But Jaemin knew it was not the same for you. He could see the platonic love you held for him in your eyes.

Jaemin was dreading Monday. School in general felt like a waste of time , but you being there made the petals in his throat grow.

Throughout the weekend he realized how the petals gradually got worse. On Saturday you had asked him to facetime you so he could help you pick out an outfit for dinner with your family. Of course Jaemin agreed but seeing you look so effortlessly beautiful just increased the pain in his chest. But by Sunday it was not as painful. He spent the whole day off of his phone trying to avoid you. But Monday rolled around and he was not prepared. When was he ever ?

“ Jaemin wake up you have school in 30 minutes! “ , his mom yelled across the house. “ I’m getting dressed mom “ , he yelled back. He quickly threw on a simple and comfy outfit. He ran to the kitchen , grabbing a quick breakfast then headed straight to his vehicle to get to school. The whole way there he could feel his phone vibrating with messages which he assumed were from the group chat.

After he arrived at school he took out his phone and read the messages.

y/n 🌺 : hey !! do you guys want to go for boba later this week ??

ducky : yes madam 😏⁉️

markie mark : YES ?? OFC ?? 🙃

He turned off his phone , finding the conversation irrelevant in the moment , and headed to his first class , algebra. Jaemin wasn’t as fond of math as he was of other subjects. It quite frankly frustrated him. He never seemed to guess the answers correctly , though he was thankful to be passing the class ( thanks to Chenle’s help of course ). Jaemin was fond of art. Primarily because photography was incorporated into art and he was able to portray his talent in there. He counted down the class periods he had up until art class. 2. Two more classes left until art.

When English and History had passed , he made his way to the art classroom . During the day , he managed to speak to you and the other guys a little but he seemed off to them. But Jaemin was not the type to give in even if people keep on bothering him with questions, so they gave up. But Renjun was slowly catching on to something. Why would he ever let this odd behavior be unattended to ? This is his best friend after all , but he didn’t want to bother so quickly yet.

Jaemin loved and hate art class in this moment. The pros were that he got to pursue something he loves and be transparently himself. But the main con was , you shared this class together.

“ Hey Jaemin! “ , you said happily. “ Oh hi Y/N “ , he said nervously. You frowned at his sudden awkward behavior but let it go when the teacher walked in.

He could feel a petal threatening to be coughed up but it took all his power stored in his body to shoved it back down.

“ Good after noon class! Today I have assigned you all with a task. This project is due within 2 weeks time. Last month , if you remember , you all took a vote on what your next big project will be based around. The results were photography! I discussed with some of my colleagues that are photographers what would be best to have this project be on. We decided each of you will be assigned a partner. You and your partner will be give a specific theme. This will count as an exam grade , Understood ? “ , she concluded and everyone nodded. Jaemin was beyond happy to be given such a project.

Mrs. Choi , the art teacher , was going around the class calling out who was paired with who and what their theme was. She gradually made her way to you snd Jaemin’s seat , you both so happened to sit right beside each other. How ironic.

“ I have decided to pair you to together for this project. You both seem to work together very well and accomplish tasks extremely well. Your theme is beauty found within each other. I suggest finding a landscape which best suits you both individually as that can help you find what beauty is stored within you. Try your best to portray what you both think is beautiful in each other while incorporating a landscape which suits you both! “ , she said. “ Good luck!”

Funny thing is , Jaemin had already made a mental note a long time ago of every thing about you that was beautiful. He already knew what best suited you. He could name everything about you and tell you how it was so incredible to him.

Could you do the same ? Jaemin had already been aware of the answer to that question since he became aware of his own feelings towards you. His thoughts were so incredibly crowded that the only thing that broke his inner voice was the petals that were about to arise because of the overwhelming feeling of love for you pumping throughout his chest.

“ I’m going to go to the bathroom right quick. “ , he said. You only nodded , watching him rush out of the classroom quickly.

He tried his best to maneuver through the halls as fast as he could without drawing any attention. Luckily , when he reached the bathroom , no one besides him was present. He began throwing up the petals that were grown inside of his chest. He hated this life.

Jaemin had already walked back to the classroom after five minutes. Only a few minutes after arriving to the classroom , the lunch bell had rang.

“ Hey , Jaemin just text me when you are free next week so we start on this project , okay ? I am so excited ! “ , you announced.

Jaemin didn’t go to lunch. Instead he sat in the bathroom waiting for the last bell to ring.

Thursday had came around the corner fast. You had been blowing up his phone with messages for him not to miss the gathering at the local boba shop or he would ‘ get the boot ‘.

Jaemin quickly grabbed his grey hoodie you bought him , how ironic again , and headed out the door.

Upon arriving at the boba shop , he couldn’t help but notice through the clear glass window how you and Jeno were so close , flirting even. His heart ached even more but he pushed it aside and decided to put on a mask and walk in.

“ Oh Jaemin ! You are here , finally. “ , Jeno said hugging Jaemin. “ Yeah sorry I am a little late. My mom needed help with some yard work “ , he said. lie. Jaemin was extremely hesitant about coming. Why would he want to ? It hurt too much , but he did it for you.

One hour had passed and all Jaemin did was here Marks stupid jokes and about how Donghyuck had “ accidentally “ thrown Jisung’s ipad into a wishing well one summer vacation. And oh , let’s not forget you laughing at Jeno’s horrible jokes. They weren’t even that funny , he thought.

And then he saw it. He heard Jeno whisper , “ If you kiss me on the cheek , I will buy you some more boba!! “ , to you , while smiling. And then you had kissed him on the cheek.

It was immature for Jaemin to feel upset , but he justified his emotions by the fact he felt a petal about to come out. He again , like always , motioned that he was going to the bathroom.

And again there was a petal from a pink carnation. How fucking nice. Needless to say , Jaemin got out of there with an excuse before he could near his death more.

He didn’t bother showing up for the weekly Friday movie night. But no one asked questions. He felt alone , yet again. But who could he tell his tragic ending to ? It only felt as if it would make worse of his situation.

About a week passed and it was Wednesday. About this time last week you had arranged for you and Jaemin to meet up and the park at around 4pm for this art project. You both were equally excited , maybe Jaemin even more. He just couldn’t express it.

By the time he arrived , he saw you were already there , playing with the ducks. He took this opportunity to capture a picture of you in this moment. You were so beautiful , he thought.

Once you felt a presence behind you , you turned around but softened your gaze once your recognized it was him.

“ Oh hi! Are you ready to start ? “ , you asked.

“ Oh yeah of course ! While you were playing with the ducks , I took a photo of you. It fits you. Maybe we could use it ? “ , he shyly said.

“ Let me see Nana! “ , you said excitedly. His heart was about to fucking burst. “ Oh okay here “ , he showed his camera your way.

“ It’s so good ? You truly have a way with cameras. Okay now take some more of me over here by the pond! “ , you stated. He aimed his camera at you , clicking the button. You were perfect.

“ Nana let me take some of you! “ , you said , reaching out your hands to grab the camera. “ Okay “ , he replied while walking to a tree and posing. click. You smiled at the photos you had taken while handing him the camera back.

Two hours had passed and he could feel that this was about to come to an end today , just not in the way he had anticipated.

Your phone had started ringing and he could see a certain realization had hit you. You quickly picked it up and hung about after about a minute.

“ Oh that was Jeno. He called me to remind me of our date tonight. I am really excited! But unfortunately I need to head home to get ready. Good night ! Don’t forget to send me those pictures of you for the project ! Bye bye , Love you Nana “ , you said apologizing while waving bye. He couldn’t make out words. He was caught off guard. He zoned out for a second and then realized you were gone.

All these emotions had hit him. He didn’t know how to process. You were going out with Jeno. Not Jaemin , Jeno. Fucking Jeno. Why him ?

Jaemin felt everything crash down. He couldn’t breathe probably. Petals were threatening to come out and he couldn’t help but hide behind a tree in the dark while letting them come out. He was so hopeless. He had no idea how much he had left. Why was the world so cruel to Jaemin ? What had he done to deserve such a fate ? Why suddenly did he have to live on a time limit ? He thought again it couldn’t get worse.

Yet he was always proved wrong at this thought.

Out of nowhere , Renjun appeared and said , “ Jaemin ? Is that you ? Are you okay ? “.

In fact it got worse. He was fucked, big time.

#nct #nct angst #nct dream au #nct dream imagines #nct au #nct imagines #jaemin #na jaemin #jaemin imagines #jaemin au #jaemin angst

46 notes · View notes

savnofilter · 4 years

Text

Official Callout Post (5 - Q&A)

TW: mentions of suicide, ephebophilia, grooming, pseudo racism (microaggression). toxic friendships, harassment towards minors, mental health, fandom discourse.

*DISCLAIMER: THIS IS NOT BECAUSE OF MY AGE OR SOCIAL MEDIA. THIS IS BECAUSE TOXICITY/TREATMENT. This post is not just minors. This is for the people from different ages 16-22 who feel like they did not have a voice by fellow BNHA writers.*

Important Topics:

Clearing last statements

Addressing my callouts

Alienated mental health

Fic stealing

BNHarem server regulation

Where is the proof that there are people not speaking up?

*10

*11

*12

*13

What’s wrong with aging up?

@mci-writing: There isn’t a problem with aging up in specific, but rather how you go about aging up the characters, especially in NSFW pieces. If you’re going to age the characters up, make it apparent that the characters are aged up rather than just slapping the 18+ label, whether it be in an offhand mention of living in a house of their own or maybe something small about being in college if dorms are such an integral part to the work in question.

“If the minors knew it was an 18+ space, why did they join?”

@mci-writing: Their server is a 16+ server, so they were invited and welcomed once they proved their ages. Many minors that joined their server saw it as an opportunity to meet new people and make friends, all while being able to interact with their favorite writers in the fandom.

If the discord discussion wasn't about harassing Lady-bakuhoe, why did it happen?

@mci-writing: The first discussion quite literally was a couple of people active in the fandom, mainly writers, venting about how hard it is to currently get your works out there and just how hard it is to properly get involved in the fandom without some form of help from a clique. No one in specific was named that time. The other discussion was Sav venting about how she was treated after a whack ass callout post was made and simply because a writer was mad that Sav ran her server the way Sav wanted to, which led to her elaborating on the situation (it then prompted other people’s responses, whose responses are fairly similar to how many of you reacted to Jo’s small “callout”).

What legal offences have they done if charged?

@savnofilter: Well since you guys like supporting people you think should be in jail, considering Lady-Bakuhoe has shared a minor’s face and age, the offense would be up to the parents in question. It's stated in laws that even if the minor is a felon, you do not have the rights to share such information without law/parent consent. Although I cannot find anything about age, sharing a minor's face comes with consequences.

- UK source: 1

- US source: 1

Charges will be:

Lawsuit: exposing minor information without parental consent.

*****

To put in perspective, the U.S and UK are basically flip flopped. In the U.S it is not against the law to groom, but in the UK it is. It is illegal to have relationships with minors in the U.S, while in the UK it is not.

For knowingly engaging sexually with a minor (DMs), you can also be trialed for having depictions of any picture/video of minors. (ex: students in school uniforms) or minors in sexual situations. Although having a sexual relationship with a 16 year-olds is permitted, consuming child pornography is not. Grooming is also outside of sexual abuse, you can groom anyone for any reason.

- UK source: 1

- US source: 1

Charges will be:

Misdemeanor: for knowingly engaging NSFW with minors, causing mental anguish.

Felony: for knowingly engaging NSFW with minors, causing mental anguish.

2 Years Prison: sexting any sort of NSFW content to a minor.

Registered Sex Offender: engaging sexually with minors (U.S).

*****

For the acts of gaslighting, you can be sentenced if proven with evidence.

- UK source: 1, 2

- U.S source: 1, 2, 3

Charges will be:

Misdemeanor: causing mental anguish, this is categorized as mental abuse.

Felony: causing mental anguish, this is categorized as mental abuse.

*****

Sharing false and hurtful posts about someone with intention to hurt someone's image constitutes cyberbullying. This includes false posts to make someone look bad and sending hate (whether you directed it or not).

For perspective, once again it is flip-flopped. The U.S has many states so there are not any direct laws against cyberbullying (in my state and my friends it is illegal), but you can categorize abusive behaviors exhibited online as a form of abuse. In the U.K it is illegal, grooming is considered being one of the offenses.

LBH and or any adult who participated in posting, sending hate, or anything that repeatedly tore our image down would be classified as a Verbal Adult Bully.

UK source: link

U.S source: link

Charges will be:

Lawsuit: defamation of character, harassment.

Misdemeanor: harassment, abuse.

1-2 years jail or fine: harassment, intimidation, or bullying.

12 months jail or fine: classified as stalking.

*****

You can categorize abusive behaviors exhibited online as a form of abuse. In the U.K it is illegal, grooming is considered being one of the offenses.

- UK source: link

- U.S source: link

Charges will be:

Lawsuit: defamation of character, harassment.

Misdemeanor: harassment, abuse.

1-2 years jail or fine: harassment, intimidation, or bullying.

12 months jail or fine: classified as stalking.

*****

Since you only promote 18+ blogs in your 16+ server, the people who run/host the server will be trialed for exposing minors to NSFW

UK source: link

U.S source: link

Charges will be:

Misdemeanor: exposing a minor to pornographic content.

Third degree felony: exposing a minor to pornographic content.

1-15 years jail: exposing a minor to pornographic content.

Fine: $1,000 - $10,000

Don't you (minors) know it's illegal to consume and produce erotica?

@savnofilter: As long as we (minors) don't go as far to engage (message privately) sexually with people who are 18+, it’s not illegal. Reblogging or commenting on a work both ways isn't illegal either 1, 2. It’s only illegal if you approach minors and send it to them personally. If it was illegal, porn websites wouldn’t even exist. If you’re concerned about minors reading your stuff, don’t put them in main tags.

Can't the person producing the content get arrested?

@savnofilter: To put it simply: No. You will not go to jail if a minor reads your smut. With the other way around, you won't go to jail reading a minor's smut either. The laws state that you can only go to jail if you send porn (video, art, pictures) to a minor or produce depictions of a minor in sexual acts.

Therefore if you do not approach a minor with such contents, you will not be trialed. If this was the case, there wouldn't be platforms such as PornHub and etc would not be able to run.

Do you have a problem with them writing the content that they do?

@savnofilter: No. If we did it would be hypocritical. It’s more of the personal jabs to alienate teens feel in the writing community. This means having to go out your way saying stuff like “fuck minors” “minors are stupid”. People like to shove down our throats that we want to go into “adult spaces”. Tumblr is an open site for 13+, the anime being a Shounen anime. Again, if you don’t want minors interacting with your stuff, keep it out of main tags.

What do we want from this post?

The main reason why I even decided to speak up is because I was tired of always talking about how toxic it is here and always being accused of starting drama to shut me up. Sure, call it “bitching” and “whining” but why should I take bullying because I have less followers and half someone’s age?

The double-standard that I’ve touched upon in CCC or even how small blogs are treated. Fandom is supposed to be fun, and it’s not okay to let things slide just to keep things “happy”. Stop intimidating and shutting down people who finally have a choice to talk about the things they have been through just because your favorite says so. Don’t campaign about listening to hurt peoples voices, then proceed to ignore and ridicule people who do it in your own environment.

I’ve had people come into my inbox and mock me for admitting to being mentally ill and say I’m doing this because I’m sick in the head, or call me a liar only because I spoke up. The BNHA fandom needs to stop the popularity mob mentality. Before you blindly someone, think to yourself: why? Stop giving toxic people passes because there is always a high chance in them not even caring about you. Don’t be a sheep, think for yourself. That’s what I want from this post. Even if people don’t believe me now, you can’t say I didn’t warn you.

Here is what a few of our members have had to say:

Continuation here: main post, one, two, three, four, ▸five◂.

#callout #tw grooming #tw toxic people #lady-bakuhoe #fandom discourse

97 notes · View notes

windstorm64 · 4 years

Text

Attack on Discourse I Guess

I swear to god if I see one more post on tumblr dot com saying that Attack on Titan is “pro-fascism” or “pro-imperialism” I’m gonna lose my freaking...

*deep breath*

Listen, I absolutely want people to be critical of the media they consume, especially from Japan. Due to their role in WW2 and their glorification of past military actions from their conservative side, there’s a lot of Japanese media that contains themes and imagery that would (ideally) not at all fly in the west. Sometimes it’s harmless, being simply misguided, other times it’s bad, containing some pretty horrific subtext regardless of the author's actual intention. Attack on Titan absolutely does contain themes of imperialism, xenophobia, propaganda, extreme nationalism, and more. But the all important distinction here is that Attack on Titan does it

with.

purpose.

It’s NOT condoning them. Just like how Lolita isn’t promoting pedophilia, or the clockwork orange isnt promoting whatever the heck that movie is about, simply having these themes present in your story does not mean they are being condoned.

Do I blame people for not understanding that at first? No. AoT takes its sweet time when developing its themes, and is constantly overturning what you thought you knew about its worldviews. That’s just the kind of story it is. It will go incredibly into detail about a plethora of opposing views, some being downright deplorable, and takes extra care to make them all look inviting and sweet. You don’t realize it at the time, but what seems to be the only right answer at the time is secretly ushering in the worst that man can muster. That’s how it is in real life. That’s how these evils get into real society; “with thunderous applause”. The difference here is that AoT, even if it takes 100 chapters to do so, slowly but surely will overturn all these themes and let the right way show itself over the course of the series. It doesn’t hold your hand, it doesn’t sugarcoat it, and I’ll even admit that I was a little nervous during some parts over what exactly the author was trying to say, but every single time Isayama chose to let the reader decide what was right in the moment, until AoT’s own in-universe marketplace of ideas eventually worked as intended and snuffed out the unsavory.

Does that mean you personally have to enjoy seeing it? No. The marketplace of ideas approach often does not work in real life (punching nazis is good) and seeing it used in fiction might not be your cup of tea.

Does that mean I think all of its themes are handled well or tactfully? Absolutely not. There are some stories that I think are handled VERY poorly, with the redemption of Magath’s character, for example, being downright horrendous. But those aren’t the complaints I hear from you people. All I hear are the same tired arguments that have been countered in-universe time and time again.

You think the survey corps are an allegory promoting imperialism? Then you’ll love the part where the real villains are revealed to be actual greedy governments invading foreign lands to oppress and murder the populace and steal valuable resources. And how the main characters, in-turn to learning that there’s more people out there in the world, switch their goals from expanding their territory to understanding and allying with the outside population.

The titans represent xenophobia? Then you’ll love the internal conflicts of the main cast when they realize that the titans are just like them, and the constant struggle thereafter against the prejudiced countries outside the walls who seek to punish them for their ethnicity.

Nationalism? Propaganda? The story has just spent the better part of 2 arcs displaying just how evil, dangerous, and reality-warping these things can be.

Fascism? Y’all’s favorite arc would probably be the one where the main cast literally overthrows their own corrupt fascist government because it was, in fact, fascist and corrupt.

German influences glorify nazism? Germany does not equal nazi. The author is clearly a fan of all parts of German history, and is a fan of war memorabilia in general (which admittedly becomes pretty risky when looking through the lens of conservative Japan’s notoriously glorified WW2 outlook), but nothing about it supports Nazism, or any of their ideals. Misguided? Perhaps, I can’t say I’m a fan. But it doesn’t denote anything about the author's character that we can reasonably glean. Eventually the true villains of Aot were given clear similarities to Nazis, clarifying Isayama's true moral priorities.

And before any of y’all start trying to point out what the author said in the past- I KNOW what the author has said. Or rather, what he was rumored to have said. But even if the rumors are true, and that shitty ignorant take on Twitter about Japan and Korea was from him, it's 100% the kind of thing that can be called out and learned from. The tweet was like, what? 10 years ago? Maybe more? Even if it was him he has clearly been educated on the deeper implications of his statement, as evidenced by the way these themes are handled in his story. Attack on Titan directly condemns eugenics on multiple occasions. It tackles it in a surprisingly on-the-nose way too, compared to how the series handled its serious themes prior to that point.

That's why I WANT y’all to be critical of the media you intake. So you CAN call out the glorification of unsavory themes and bring them to the attention of those in charge of them. Because that’s how people learn and grow. That’s how you create an educated populace that understands the implications of the things they create. I am 110% convinced that all these themes were tackled in AoT BECAUSE of all the criticism he got in the past. 10 years is a long time, and we are still getting new developments to this day that challenge the themes introduced in the first couple of chapters. Whether or not these themes were planned to be tackled from the start, or were introduced later on after being called out, is something we’ll probably never know. But please do yourselves a favor and learn what the heck you’re talking about, and the context around it, before going off for years about misguided claims. Don’t cheapen words that should be reserved for the most grievous of behaviors when you really just want to make a point.

Attack on Titan is a brutal nuanced story that shows off the worst that humanity has to offer, and how hard it is to do the right thing in a world where the right thing doesn’t always work. But taking an honest, elongated approach to exploring how these themes interact with humanity and society is NOT the same as promoting it. If you like your stories more black and white, where the good and bad of real world themes are more clearly defined as opposed to AoT’s more nihilistic and gray approach to morality, then by all means go enjoy that other story. I’m not trying to convince anyone to like it. I’m not expecting everyone to enjoy seeing these themes shoved in your face every installment. And I’m certainly not expecting anyone to understand all of this right away, hell I’m constantly arguing with dudebro AoT fans on reddit who are SURPRISED that Armin and the Alliance are taking an anti-genocide stance. And somehow I’m the crazy one for seeing this plot line coming for literal years. There’s simply just a lot more to this story than you can understand at a glance, and I implore anyone who thinks that’s they can simplify the real world themes dealt with here in such a menial way to seriously reconsider.

You are welcome to dislike Attack on Titan. You are more than welcome to criticize it’s possible mismanagement of sensitive real world themes. I am not so enamored by Isayama’s writing to expect a young manga artist to be the forefront of knowledge on such complicated, disturbing topics. But please, cut it out with the crazy claims. I’ve been hearing these things for so many years and it’s all the same. AoT has risen to become one of the most popular anime/manga of the current era. If the story was really as deplorable as you claim it would not have become as popular as it has been. The fans aren’t stupid (well, not all of them. Together, we can beat the reddit dudebros and save the world). This didn’t happen by mistake. The fans aren’t ignorant of the messages it’s sending. Attack on Titan is just... good! Even if I can’t get you to agree with me on that, at least look at it honestly for what it is, and what it’s trying to be. It’s really, really, not at all what you think, or what other tumblr users are trying to get you to believe.

#attack on titan #shingeki no kyojin #aot #snk #eren yeager #armin arlert #snk anime #aot anime #snk manga #aot manga #discourse #fascism #imperialism #genocide

51 notes · View notes

donnerpartyofone · 4 years

Text

reasons my i am probably too sensitive to have anything to do with other people

including other people’s drama that has absolutely nothing to do with me

i started reading this person’s new webcomic on instagram a month or two ago, and what started out as a fun little time killer that i looked forward to every day has started making me so uncomfortable that i wish i’d never heard of it. it takes place right now, in an especially embattled US city, and it’s about the dysfunctional lives of a bunch of shallow millennials, set against the backdrop of an increasingly dangerous country in an unpredictable state of revolt. it’s solidly engaging, convincingly characterized, and rendered in a unique funny animal style; i wasn’t surprised to discover that it’s going to be published soon by the most reputable publisher of this sort of thing. at first, i was impressed by it because i thought the behavior and dialog of its insecure young people was so well observed. it felt like one of the only things of its kind that i’ve read, more or less about real people living right now, that was neither a broad ugly satire, nor a pretentious drama exaggerating the specialness of its characters. the other thing i liked about it was that while it was largely about their sex lives, it didn’t seem at all sexy to me. the artist has a kind of distorted, rough-hewn visual style that i thought put some emotional distance between the overheated state of the characters, and the real consequences of their decisions. then it all got weird.

the artist stuck a really long, graphic sex scene in the middle of story that made me think...oh, maybe i AM supposed to be getting off to this? that’s weird, this all seems really bad to me, like every character is just mindlessly, selfishly bent on destruction and not doing much to make me like them, and i’d been reading along thinking “god i’m SO GLAD i’m not in my 20s anymore and i don’t have to deal with people like this--or with the pressure to act like this, as if using sex to create drama and being ‘crazy’ is the ultimate thing a person can do with their life”--and then suddenly it felt like maybe the comic was actually some kind of celebration of this lifestyle, or at the very least it’s an intensely sentimental portrait of a time of life, and of types of people, that i cannot imagine feeling sentimental about. then something else happened that made the comic even MORE uncomfortable to read, somehow: it had been gaining traction at an amazing pace, with tons of people leaving comments to the tune of “noooo don’t do it!”, the way you would yell at someone in a horror movie not to go back for the cat, as each character made the worst possible personal choice in every daily installment. the “don’t go in there!” response seemed pretty natural to me, but then the artist stepped in and made this announcement threatening to stop doing the comic altogether if the readers wouldn’t stop criticizing the characters. pretty much everyone in the comments was like “???”. many apologized if their comments were offensive, although they had no idea what they could have said that was wrong; other people, who seemed more sure that they were the ones being accused, said that they thought you were SUPPOSED to feel critical of the characters’ obviously bad decisions. that was how i felt, and at that point i was just enormously glad that i never comment on shit online or get involved in any type of community shit, especially when the artist started explaining laboriously that all of the characters represent some facet of the artist themselves and so therefore none of them are meant to be seen in a bad light at all and they’re all meant to be loved unconditionally and if you find yourself thinking mean things about the characters then you are effectively shitting all over the artist as a person. a lot of readers fell all over themselves to be supportive, and i just thought...this isn’t something you should support, though. it sucks that the artist is feeling so sensitive, but they’re about to have a book out in the world where they won’t have any ability to threaten readers who are “reading it wrong” or having incorrect thoughts about it. i mean...life is full of uncomfortable experiences and people you can’t relate to, i really don’t think we should be promoting this hopeless sanitization of all experiences in which trigger warnings used to be something that protected traumatized people from being randomly confronted with traumatic material, and now they’re used to just make sure nobody ever has to hear anything they don’t like, ever. anyone who cares about this artist should be helping them understand that they cannot control how people read their book or how they feel about each character and story in it. or failing that, they should be encouraged to just turn off instagram comments. but because of all this drama, i found myself reading all the comments obsessively--something i did when the blowup first happened, because i couldn’t find anything in there that i thought was mean or offensive, which added to my uncomfortable fascination with the whole thing--and that’s when i spotted a comment where somebody asked the artist is this was a furry comic. i wish this didn’t blow my mind, but it kind of did. i mean, it’s a book where almost all the characters are animals, and they occasionally have a bunch of raunchy sex. i think that if you’re a furry, meaning you’re interested in that sort of thing, this book is completely available for you to enjoy however you want. but this person needed the artist to FORMALLY CATEGORIZE IT as a furry comic. what the fuck is the meaning of that? it struck me as something that people in fandoms do, where they need every single thing to be labeled to death in an intensive and intractable way like it was science, the Final Word on everything in the universe, and they like *argue with each other* about whether they’re *allowed* to ship certain characters together or imagine them doing specific things, which is something you would only worry about if you thought the topic represented a literal material reality that could be adversely affected by people’s improper thoughts. i mean imagine if you felt that way about your jerkoff fantasies about fictional characters? that your horny thoughts are up for debate by hundreds of people you don’t even know? imagine feeling like that about OTHER PEOPLE’S jerkoff fantasies, like it’s worth fighting over and trying to CONTROL? like holy fucking shit you guys, STOP IT. it would even be one thing to ask the artist if THEY were a furry, which may or may not be anybody’s business, but to ask whether interpreting the comic through a furry lens is ALLOWED is like...well, actually, maybe it’s exactly in line with the artist’s recently expressed attitude, that you’re forced to think of the book in exactly the way that they personally think about it, or else you should have your reading privileges revoked. so now i’m still reading the comic, sort of compulsively, because i’m a little addicted to the soap opera of it and i’m ALSO a little addicted to the soap opera of the artist battling the readers over finding the correct orthodoxy for reading the comic--there’s a particular guy i’ve become aware of in the comics community because he is always harassing people with this mix of really caustic sarcasm and really bitter political self-righteousness, and he was surely the main person who was being “mean” to the characters, and HE’S STILL DOING IT IN EXACTLY THE SAME WAY, because i guess the artist would rather have problems with people than simply block them and eliminate them from the equation? but the whole entire thing is making me so uncomfortable i can hardly stand it. reading about like, dumb hot chicks with no self-control, and smug young shitheads who use the veil of progressiveness to hide or justify their predatory sexual behavior, and grownass adults who start drama with 20 year olds in order to feel relevant, AND being forced to know that the artist intends for me to embrace and adore all of this bad shit--like, people and things i left behind in real life, because it was all bad!--with ultimate love and compassion, or else they reserve the right to claim that they’re being personally attacked, has just become too much to take. it’s starting to make me feel sick. i really need to take the reigns on this thing. as much as the artist needs to forget about this control fantasy and stop being so precious about what they’re doing, i need to stop subjecting myself to something i find painful, embarrassing, and frankly creepy, if i ever wanna get back to a state where i have less to complain about.

tl;dr: stupid hipster is too sensitive to read a webcomic by a stupid hipster who is too sensitive for anyone to read their webcomic.

#NOT simon hanselmann #somebody else!#i will tell you if you chat me i just don't wanna get involved

17 notes · View notes

littorella · 4 years

Text

Wounded Animals

CW: harassment

One of the first things you learn as a pet owner is that animals don’t show signs of illness until they are extremely sick or wounded. Having lived threatened existences, they have evolved to hide their weakness until they no are longer able.

Women are like this too, particularly minority women.

I was and am sometimes still like this.

We are taught to endure and please or suffer the consequence of having a reputation for being difficult. Dragon lady. Angry black woman. Spicy latina. Whoever you are, there is a bad stereotype to avoid.

Every job I have worked, I have experienced bad behavior from male colleagues and hid my discomfort until I was no longer able. I have never quit simply because the job was bad. It has always been accompanied by unbearable harassment.

My first job, a male manager treated me like a secretary (I was not). He also asked me constantly if I had a good day watching porn and shopping on ebay. I didn’t say anything because no one else ever said anything, and being a squeaky wheel is a one way ticket to never getting a promotion. I finally got so irate that I wrote a giant letter and went to the company president with it. She yelled at me for an hour about how the young women in the company were so catty and such complainers. He got a promotion and a raise, I didn’t. I talked to the CEO, he yelled at me too, “What do you want? Don’t you get paid enough?!” I didn’t know what to say other than “no and I quit.”

My last job, a male colleague asked me out to lunch all the time. I felt I couldn’t say no because I needed him to do work for me (he’d sandbag work for people he didn’t like.) He often said things like “I’d do anything for you.” I always tried to teach him better, “that’s weird, don’t say that.” Because I am supposed to be a nice, patient person and sometimes awkward men really just aren’t self aware. That, and the last woman who was overly vocal was fired for being “toxic”. He would take photos of me without permission even though I made it explicit that was not ok. He never did learn. His wife saw a photo and started to harass me too. I went to HR, but they didn’t do anything. She’s not an employee. I quit. I now get terrible anxiety when I walk by that office building in case he sees me.

We’ve all got to speak up sooner. If only few do, they’re just difficult people. If everyone does, the problem is real. Come on, we all know bad behavior when we see it. There’s the urge to endure, to make excuses and allowances, to feel sorry for people who behave badly and not want to destroy their careers.

But if that’s what it takes for them to learn, that’s what it takes.

We’re not wounded animals. We don’t need to hide.

#personal #cw harassment

38 notes · View notes

wendell-or-something · 4 years

Text

I wanna talk about themes in the early parts of the pokémon anime.

because like... for a really simple kids show that was clearly meant to familiarize us with a bunch of collectible characters, the early show has a surprising amount of poignant through lines in its narratives. like, yeah, they're mostly bite sized little one-off stories, but they're all cohesively linked in terms of their ideas.

the way I see it, early pokémon has a lot of themes of deviance, rehabilitation/reconciliation, and environmentalism... and they're all kind of tied to each other. and it all starts with Ash. a lot of people will observe, in retrospect, that Ash was never technically a very adept trainer. his team was often weak, not well balanced, didn't get a lot of practice battling, etc... but that's because Ash is a bit of an oddball himself, and while winning whatever tournament features in that season is Ash's stated goal, that's more about giving the show some semblance of plot structure... it's not actually what's most important to him.

Ash's first appearance in the show compares him to Gary, who is kind of the archetypal successful trainer in the making. where Ash arrives late to professor Oak's lab, Gary is on time. Gary's grandpa is a pokémon professor, which gives him a potential edge in terms of basic knowledge. Gary gets charmander, the "cool" choice... Ash gets literally not even a recommended starter. a leftover pokémon. it's either that or nothing, and it hates him and is hard to work with. but like... the reason Ash was late was because he was so genuinely excited to do this that he couldn't sleep the night before, and that genuine emotion never lets up.

at the start of his journey, Ash initially befriends pikachu by saving it. Ash saving a pokémon and gaining its trust as a result is a repeated element in a lot of episodes, and this is used to drive home the point that one of Ash's core qualities is a willingness to make sacrifices for the good of others. he can be selfish in small mundane ways, as many children are, but when the chips are down, this is always what he chooses to do.

this actually makes some pretty clear sense of the fact that Ash isn't a very good pokémon trainer in terms of battling ability. Ash's ability to battle well is secondary to his care for the pokémon he takes in. and if one of those goals is ever antithetical to the other, he always goes personal over strategic. its one of the things he sacrifices. and this is part of why Ash lets so many of his pokémon go eventually. in a meta sense, it's because the show needs a reason to keep rotating out Ash's team and letting the viewer get personally attached to new and different pokémon, but in the show, Ash often acts as a bridge between one era of a pokémon's life and another. he takes them in, sometimes when no one else would, helps them grow, and then sends them on their way when it's best for them... when he has nothing more to give them, or they'd be happier somewhere else. when its a choice between their well being and his own, Ash chooses them.

and of course, this idea extends, in some ways, to Misty and Brock as well... they each have a particular pokémon type that they're sentimentally attached to, and they stand by their choice of pokémon, regardless of type effectiveness, simply because they like them. in a meta sense, this mirrors how young children probably interacted with their pokémon games... before kids know enough to pick a favorite based on strategy, they usually choose a favorite based on which one makes them happiest to see on screen the most often. Misty's starry-eyed love of water pokémon because they're cute feels really true to the spirit of pokémon.

and themes of deviation and reconciliation all feed into the idea of environmentalism that the show promotes. because when nature and humanity clash, they each consider each other deviant by their own standards, and have to learn to harmonize somehow. whenever episodes aren't focused on battling (and they often aren't) the plot of the episode usually revolves around how humans interact with the pokémon they live with day to day. mostly it's either Ash and his friends learning about how a town successfully lives alongside their local pokémon population, or Ash and his friends resolving a conflict by finding a way for a town to coexist peacefully with their local pokémon population. in most cases, the show comes down heavily on the side of nature being right to exist the way that it does, and humans needing to learn to adapt their lifestyle to nature's needs. the more peaceful episodes simply showcase the kinds of successful adaptations that people have made to accommodate nature... and in spite of this, or in many cases because of it, the technology in pokémon is actually portrayed as really advanced. the fact that wildlife is so hugely important to the culture of the pokémon world, and nature is thriving everywhere you look, points to the idea that technology's advancement simply can't or shouldn't be done if it harms the natural world. because of the way that the study of pokémon is prioritized (you are welcomed to each new journey by a pokémon professor) a lot of technology advances due to the results of studying pokémon, or in order to facilitate the study of pokémon. at the very least, the show posits that it is possible for technological growth to occur while the natural world remains unharmed.

pokémon actually does something really special here, by making the pokémon themselves totally flexible in how human or animalistic they act. sometimes they're a force of nature, like the episode where the presence of a bunch of diglett prevents a tunnel from being dug through their habitat, or sometimes they're domesticated, like the episode where Ash and his friends meet a girl who herds mareep. and sometimes their stories would work just as well as an arc for a human character. as Ash goes along on his journey, he collects a bulbasaur, a squirtle, and a charmander, which each have stories of their own, and all of them are pretty universally relatable.

these stories even get so detailed that you can get an implied sense of each pokémon's age from what they're going through. when Ash meets his bulbasaur, it seems like its basically an adult. its already been a leader of its community for a while, and Ash gains its loyalty by displaying that he has similar values when it comes to caring for others. you can kind of assume that bulbasaur is older because of its position of responsibility, and the way others treat it with deference. seeing bulbasaur as older is actually really interesting, because it went through a whole episode where its instincts were telling it to evolve, but it didn't want to, and actively chose not to. I'd take this to be indicative of the importance of personal choice when it comes to identity, and as an added bonus, it communicates that being sure of who you are is a better indicator of maturity than physical appearance alone.

contrast this with Ash's charmander, who Ash obtained after its trainer abandoned it, and it nearly died. to me, charmander always came off as very young, no matter what stage of evolution it was in. and while the love Ash gave it was always valuable, it was never more needed than when charizard was going through that really petulant phase. honestly, charizard's story is really where the themes of deviance and rehabilitation come out stronger than ever, because this arc is sustained the longest and requires the most patience of Ash. charizard reads as someone who went through trauma at a young age, and hasn't felt truly secure since. the need to come off as powerful and intimidating as fast as possible comes from that insecurity, and a lot of its fickle behavior feels like its proving that it can always choose to do whatever it wants, no matter the circumstances. it really is a pride thing, and I think that comes from the fact that its pride was damaged by its initial abandonment and need for aid. Ash has a rehabilitative effect on charizard because he continuously validates the idea that charizard is powerful and capable. even if charizard chooses to squander opportunities to be helpful, Ash doesn't stop giving it those opportunities... even if it is out of necessity. and Ash never abandons charizard. charizard only leaves Ash when it is actually beneficial to charizard for it to go, and charizard makes this decision on its own.

in this way, pokémon creates a wide range of plausible behavior for its non-human characters, and leaves the creatures in its world in a weird area of ambiguity when it comes to their interactions with people. some pokémon are totally wild, and act like wild animals, while others are fully integrated into human society... you never question that the wild ones could be a danger to random travelers, and you never question that the ones that live in society can understand you on a level equivalent to human understanding. the real genius of this is that it displays, in no uncertain terms, that human beings are not that far off from nature. we are animals, we came from the natural world, and the dichotomy between humanity and nature is a false one. pokémon, as creatures that the human characters live with and care about, bridge the gap between humans and nature... not just in terms of narrative placement, but in terms of their environmental niche. they can slot into human society or the wild outdoor scenery, and feel at home in either place. it actually reminds me a little of shinto beliefs about our surroundings... how plants, animals, and objects all have a significant presence, and humanity is not at the top of a hierarchy in terms of this. all things are owed equal consideration, and humans are needy creatures... we ask a lot of our environment, and should give our respect to the things that facilitate our lives.

and now I want to talk about team rocket, and specifically Meowth. he's probably the most human aligned pokémon in the whole show... not only does he actually have the ability to talk, but he interacts very strangely with other pokémon because of it. Meowth's origin episode shows how he becomes ostracized from both human and pokémon society. he is originally living in poverty in a big city, which means that human society is already failing him... but beyond that, he seeks love and acceptance from another meowth that is aligned so heavily with human society that it inspires him to mimic it in order to become palatable to her. but instead of gaining greater acceptance for his efforts, Meowth becomes more of an oddity, and faces further rejection. and after obtaining human qualities to this extent, most other pokémon don't see him as acceptable by their standards either. he is cast out on all sides, and only finds a place for himself by turning to a criminal organization that is explicitly geared towards the exploitation of pokémon... which would be a lot darker if he weren't with Jessie and James.

Meowth's background explains his behavior, but all things considered, he comes off as incredibly self serving. his biggest recurring fantasy is the idea of belonging to Giovanni, which is purely a status thing, given that Jessie, James, and Meowth all find it intimidating to actually talk to the guy. and while Meowth goes along with every plan to try and steal pokémon, and is actually kind of the brains of their operation, its not as though Meowth doesn't have sympathy for individual pokémon during specific points in the show. he often has to be convinced first though, and the fact that he is a pokémon doesn't really change his loyalties. his species doesn't affect him anymore... he's only loyal to people who treat him as a peer.

the mission statement of team rocket as an organization, is to profit from the exploitation of pokémon... but it has also collected people like Jessie and James, who felt like rejects from society, and ended up in the only place they thought they could go. James couldn't be happy living the way his rich oppressive family wanted him to be, and Jessie tried a bunch of different ways to escape her own childhood poverty and failed at many of those endeavors. Jessie is particularly interesting because you get a lot of little details here and there about how hard her life was, how much her family struggled, how many times she failed in the pursuit of normal career options that she was genuinely interested in... and it manifests in her personality as an interest in material finery, pretty things, good food, and luxury, as well as an abundance of seemingly vapid self affirmations. in spite of everything, she's the ambition of the group, sometimes dramatically more than the other two, like, repeated failure somehow can't touch that.

really though, she and Meowth have a lot in common... and weirdly, this never seems to result in them ganging up on James too harshly. the fact of the matter is, James did have every material thing that Jessie and Meowth probably picture wanting for themselves... but James walked away from it anyway. for Jessie and Meowth that'd be unthinkable, but since he left home, James has been living in relative poverty, same as them. the fact that he doesn't treat his old life as a viable safety net to fall back on in case things don't work out, really legitimizes the idea that he felt pushed out of that environment, same as the other two. the version of him that would've stayed and put up with that life doesn't exist, which is why he's here. and he actually appreciates some of the elements of living the way he does that the others don't. the first thing that comes to mind is that he collects bottle caps... a seemingly worthless item, which is kind of a "one person's trash is another's treasure" sort of thing. and this idea is sort of repeated in the way that he always ends up with pokémon that love him in ways that are difficult or painful to bear, while Jessie reverses that motif by being harsh towards her pokémon, while they love her anyway. and while James is not above his fair share of whining and commiserating, he's often the optimist out of the three of them. he clearly doesn't feel like he's lost anything that was truly valuable to him since leaving home.

each of these three have kind of a disdain for the society that they rejected/the society that rejected them, but they aren't opposed to exploiting the natural world to meet their needs either, and they aren't good at being part of the team rocket organization... this is always made especially clear whenever Butch and Cassidy show up. they're really on their own side. they're the show's ultimate deviants, and this is why it's kind of a comedy of errors that they keep ending up opposing Ash and his friends, because they should get along really well (and they sometimes do whenever they have an episode that puts them on the same side or forces them to work together). though you could say that Jessie, James, and Meowth are rehabilitating by ineffectually chasing these kids around all the time. it gives them a basic sense of purpose that never ends up resulting in anything too terribly destructive.

and within all of this, I keep thinking back to the original pokémon theme song. all the lyrics kind of point back to these themes, though I'm not sure it's really that intentional.

"I wanna be the very best, like no one ever was."

aka being the best by a non traditional standard. one of compassion, regardless of fighting proficiency.

"I will travel across the land, searching far and wide. for these pokémon, to understand, the power that's inside."

putting value in being in nature and seeking to understand it, while also emphasizing the idea of inner strength.

"you're my best friend, in a world we must defend."

our bonds are what make us strong, and our strength is used in service of our world.

"you teach me and I'll teach you."

this relationship isn't one-sided... we should both be humble enough to learn, and considered capable enough to teach.

basic messages for a kids show, I know, but the show does use all of these ideas to support each other throughout.

#pokémon #my rant

8 notes · View notes

mistahstroke · 4 years

Text

❝ D E AT H S T R O K E ❞ … LOADING FILE …

S L A D E J O S E P H W I L S O N ;

Full Name: Slade Joseph Wilson

Alias: Deathstroke

Age: 54

Gender: Male

Birth date: ████████

Birth Place: ████████ ████████

Current Residence: Manhattan, New York City

S L A D E J O S E P H W I L S O N ;

Hair: White

Eyes: Dark Brown

Disabilities: Blindness in one eye, Right

Build: Muscular, Super Soldier Physique

Ethnicity: Caucasian

Nationality: American

Alignment: Neutral, actions can be conclusive to a Villain

Identity: Secret/Not Secret, depends on the individual

S L A D E J O S E P H W I L S O N ;

Education: ██ ████ ███████ ██████ ██ █████████

Family: ██████ ██████, mother, deceased Charles Wilson, father, deceased (Killed by Slade) Wade Defarge, half-brother, deceased Adeline Kane, ex-wife, deceased ███████ ██████, mother of rose, alive Grant Wilson, son, deceased Rose Wilson, daughter, alive Joseph Wilson, son, alive

Marital Status: Divorced

Employment (Former): ██████ ██ █████████, Mercenary, Bounty Hunter, Gun for Hire, US Army

Employment (Current): Bounty Hunter, Mercenary for Hire

Affiliation(s): ██████ ██ █████████, US Army, ███████ █████

Preferred Weapons: Promethium Broad Sword, various guns, knives, and grenades

Equipment: Varies. Sometimes, the Ikon Suit which absorbs kinetic energy. Or Armored Suit with chain metal armor underneath, belts and straps packed with ammunition, knives, grenades, and various other weaponry. Broad sword made of promethium, attached to back. Helmet or mask hides half of his face, because of blindness in right eye. (Picture attached) and (Picture attached)

Abilities: -Expert Combatant in various forms of combat (martial arts, unarmed combat, etc) -Master marksman in various firearms -Master in weaponry (particularly in swordsmanship and firearms) -Tactical Analysis -Acrobatics -Stealth

Powers: -Super Soldier Physiology (enhanced senses particularly of hearing and smell, enhanced agility, enhanced durability, enhanced reflexes, enhanced speed, enhanced stamina, enhanced strength) -Enhanced Intellect (subject uses 90% of his brain) -Accelerated healing

P A S T

Slade Wilson was born on ████████ in ████████ ████████ to Mr. and Mrs. Wilson. His mother was “weak”, he said, and his father abandoned him as a child. Charles Wilson, a former CIA agent, was believed to be on a mission when he’d gone missing, but no record of the mission was ever recorded, nor found. Charles was later found, defected to the ██████ ██ █████████. He had become something called Odysseus. Slade later found him and killed him. He still believes Charles left because he chose to, and Slade doesn’t seem to remember his half-brother.

Slade has shown in his intellect and personality, that he is an individual capable of survival. His father’s abandonment and unstable home may be why, but it’s not conclusive. Slade may have always been independent. However it may be, Slade Wilson was determined to enlist in the U.S. Army. Later, it was found Slade had lied about his age on his papers, and ran away from home. Instead of being discharged, he was told to stay. His talents and skills in guerrilla warfare were far superior than any other soldier they’d ever seen. He was tested over and over and promoted over and over by his superiors.

His ex-wife, Adeline Kane, was an Army Squadron Leader and instructor, who eventually trained Slade and took him under her wing. He impressed her, demonstrating his combat and skills, while high marks by Kane were left in this profile. In surveillance, you can see his fighting style sometimes resembles Kane’s style. What we did not anticipate was how dangerous their relationship would be. Slade would be promoted to Lieutenant Colonel, and sometime later Slade married Kane. They would divorce, we don’t know why.

His first son, Grant Wilson, would become the first recorded Ravager. We’re not sure what happened, other than Slade finished his contract, after Grant was killed. The death of his son clearly affected him, to the point that he won’t talk about it. His second son, Joseph Wilson, also appears to be a heavy subject, but he is be more willing to talk about Joseph. “Joey” he said, in a psychological evaluation. Joseph Wilson is mute. Maybe Slade had something to do with Joseph’s disability….we don’t know. But Slade has shown signs of guilt, for both his sons. Grant and Joseph Wilson are children from his first marriage to Adeline Kane.

His daughter, Rose Wilson, was born out of wedlock. Her mother, ███████ █████, Slade appeared to have relations with, while on assignment. He won’t say he abandoned Rose, most likely due to the comparison to his father. Because she was raised without her father, it may appear that way. Rose would go on to take up the mantle as Ravager. We don’t know how many there are. From surveillance, she is the one he communicates with, the most, of his family. They don’t always get along, or not at all, understandably. Slade appears to have a disconnect with his children. Just as he is disconnected with everyone else.

Slade was a good soldier. Excellent soldier. The perfect soldier. His superiors asked him to volunteer for a secret medical experiment that was said to be a defense against the enemy’s Truth Serum. He agreed. It was really our attempt to make metahuman super-soldiers. He was lied to - but he was the perfect candidate. Something else we hadn’t anticipated: a violent response to the serum. It broke his mind and body, then built him back up. Stronger than before. But that would happen later. The immediate results were Slade’s more aggressive, violent, and enraged behavior. This aggression would remain with him, long after the experiment ended. Slade would go on to continue this as Deathstroke…

We deemed the experiment a failure, and Slade was limited to a desk job. We continued to monitor him, but what was the point? We thought. Our experiment had failed, until it hadn’t. Enhanced, to a human’s peak, we did it. We did it. Accelerated healing healed what else was left, and our perfect soldier was made even better. Slade’s enhanced mind allowed him to use 90% of his brain, and has shown, together in combat and completing his “contracts”. We made a weapon…that even we couldn’t handle. His mind remained broken. Even though we made him smarter, stronger, his mental stability, emotions, crumbled. We wouldn’t call it crazy, we’d call it violent. All Slade has now is aggression, a violent streak, and blood lust. He still has some sort of sense of humor, but we would highly advise citizens to avoid all contact with this man. He is unstable. We’re not sure if humor or violence will unleash out of him, next.

We’re not sure what happened. We were told Slade was discharged, disobeying orders, trying to save another soldier. Wintergreen, his friend. Slade disappeared, becoming what we only know now as Deathstroke.

P R E S E N T

We now have somewhat of a picture of what Slade has been up to. He’s made several enemies of heroes and villains, in Gotham alone. Enemies of the Justice League, ██████ ██ █████████, and the Titans alike, though he seems to have a personal history with the latter. He is a formidable foe against the Batman, and vice versa. The mobs are afraid of him, but almost incessantly ask for his business. The citizens are oblivious, only knowing him simply as Slade Wilson. Slade has built a system of “contracts” as Deathstroke, research has shown, offering his “services” for monetary value. He is a very weathly man. His rates must be high.

Physically, he’s gotten better. Mentally, he’s gotten worse.

CLASSIFIED: Although this information is classified and has been redacted throughout this file, for classified reasons, if you can read this, then you have been granted access to this information. If you need to know everything about Slade Wilson, then you have to know about one of the most dangerous groups in the world, the League of Assassins. Created and headed by Ra’s Al Ghul, the League of Assassins are an army of assassins, mercenaries, some of the world’s greatest martial artists, who’s sole purpose is to eliminate evil in the world. They are not superheroes. They’ve had questionable tactics as to how they’ve tried to achieve their goals, and questionable team members too. We’re not sure if Ra’s still heads the organization, we’re not sure if they even still exists. But Slade was once a member. We don’t know why he would join the group, whether power or boredom, it’s important to note because our weapon made it through, he survived the League. This information also makes him a much more violent asset, be careful if your group tries to bring him in.

CLASSIFIED: Slade rejoined the League of Assassins once more, but information told us it was forced. An ultimatum of some sort, we don’t know. Only Slade knows. After one year, he left. He’s an independent mercenary again.

After the Superhuman Registration Act, Slade hadn’t changed his routine. The Superhero Civil War was destructive, we lost contact with Wilson. The mutants fought back, headed by Magneto, still no contact with Wilson. He’s smart, he had to have avoided confrontation with either groups, mutant and hero alike. There was no way he could’ve - I digress. When a second accord ratification occurred and Genosha was born, we found Slade. Back to his ordinary life, if that’s what you would call it. The Accords have not only affected the heroes, it’s affected Slade, to some degree. He’s added an old occupation to himself, Bounty Hunter. This explains why we haven’t seen him don the mask of Deathstroke in some time. Government and hero oversight must make him cautious, maybe. It certainly slows down business, I’m sure, in Slade’s eyes. Our weapon has to survive. If he can’t? That’s when we step in.

N O T E S (OOC)

Hello! I’m Mipsy (she/her)! A gamer girl, Marvel and DC fan, Netflix binge fanatic, anime fan, movie fan especially horror movies, and lover of all things creative (music, art, writing, and rping)!

Slade is a mix of various comics and my own headcanons. I pull from a little bit of everything, even a little bit from Teen Titans (2003) from Cartoon Network. So don’t ask me which comics I use, heh. There’s a lot of comics, am I right? I took some liberties with Slade. Call them headcanons. Headcanons I’ve established from playing Slade for so long!

Mun ≠ Muse. Slade can be vulgar and rude, but that’s an understatement. He can be sociable, he can carry a conversation with others, but that doesn’t necessarily mean he likes you. Slade very much believes himself to be a good man, and sees Deathstroke as a job. Many of his enemies see him as a monster, a villain, but that’s because many don’t separate Deathstroke from Slade. Which is completely understandable! Slade’s done some pretty bad things, as Deathstroke and not. His character is a complicated one, not a cookie cutter straight character. His true alignment is neutral, but he can play the “hero” or the “villain” at anytime. Depends on who hired him for the job, which makes him an exciting character to rp! He has his own strict moral code that he follows, so he can’t be bothered with squeaky clean heroes or small time villains. But Slade can be reasoned with. He can carry a conversation when he wants to. Anyway, all that to say, Slade rarely likes anyone so please don’t hold that against the mun!

Slade is a simple man. The type of man who enjoys moments of peace in his life. He’s wealthy, but doesn’t flaunt his wealth like other billionaires. When he isn’t working, Slade really isn’t that bad at all. Just an old man who wants to drink his coffee and read his newspaper, thank you. He’s also quite humorous and a bit of a ladies man! Call it charming or not, he’s attractive enough, despite his age, for women to lay in his bed constantly.

He’s got a lot going on in his head. Guilt and being unstable are his biggest problems. As you’ve read, the super soldier serum really screwed him up. His body and mind were broken, and in effect a new kind of aggression was born within him. Makes him a bit of a monster, but it’s a monster Slade has decided to live with.

As you can already tell, I write alot! One reason I decided to join is I saw a few of you who write lots and I thought ‘I won’t be judged! Yay!’. But don’t fret! I can write paras and multi-paras, I’m just no good at one liners. No need to match length with me! Just...don’t be surprised if I write a lot back.

If you’d like to plot, DM me on discord! I’m so excited to be here! Can’t wait to rp with everyone!

#about #⊕ »»—— MEANER THAN MY DEMONS. ( intro )#this is...a novel #>_>

9 notes · View notes

severelynerdysheep · 4 years

Note

Hi! You recently shared a post of mine and I'd just like to clear up a few things. We British farmers are incredibly proud of our welfare standards and the quality of which we uphold our commitment to high welfare and happy lives of animals. Non-stun slaughter is actually illegal in the UK so these lambs won't be strung up and our sheep are used to protect Christmas trees not used for meat! Anymore questions please send my way, I wouldn't want false information going around!

Hi, and apologies in advance for the upcoming length of this answer, there's a fair bit to talk about.

So first I think it's important to keep in mind that while you and other farmers can feel as proud of your actions as you would like. The truth is that you are still exploiting, abusing, and murdering sentient beings for profit. In the words of former farmer Bob Comis, “Livestock farmers, no matter what kind — from the largest, most cynical, and inhumane factory farmers to the smallest, seemingly most ethical pasture-based farmers — traffic in death. It is death that is our aim, our purpose. Death is the end. Life is the means. Money the reward.”

And a few more quotes from former “high welfare standard” farmers on whether their animals live happy high welfare lives, putting aside for the moment that the overwhelming majority of animals exploited, abused and slaughtered in the UK are factory farmed:

“In my experience, there is no such thing as humane animal products, humane farming practices, humane transport, or humane slaughter.”

“Humane labels still designate animal lives as so inherently inferior and existentially worthless that breeding, exploiting, and killing them for completely unnecessary reasons can still be embraced, celebrated even, as “ethical” and “humane.”

“I would tell everyone, “They have a really great life, up until they no longer have one.” It makes me cringe now to type that. I wholeheartedly believed in the “humane slaughter” myth.”

“ And even worse, even though I soon learned that sheep all have individual personalities, are SMART, and definitely form bonds with one another, show joy, fear, friendship–every human emotion–I still did not make the connection.”

I would also like to note that this “high welfare/happy” animal farming idea is !00% a myth. In even the “highest welfare” British farms, animals are forcibly bred into existence to live their too-short lives trapped in genetically engineered bodies that are ravaged by their size and/or forced overproduction of babies and milk (or in the case of sheep, both babies and the wool they grow as a result of genetic engineering which results in many health issues for these animals) till they are either “spent” (in the case of sheep, they are “spent” from their reproductive systems being exploited or they are no longer profitable enough for their wool) or reach ”market weight” and are slaughtered for profit. This is fundamentally unjustifiable and unethical, and to use the term “high welfare” or “happy lives” to describe this is frankly outrageous and deeply disturbing.

And let's not forget that the “high welfare” “and happy lives” these animals are living include forced impregnation, stealing babies away from mothers, routine mutilations without anesthetic, the murder of newborns and young animals, unnatural and cruel living conditions, denial of important instinctive behaviors and preferences and brutal transport and slaughter conditions. And yes, this includes in sheep farming, as I explained in my original response. And also yes, all these cruel practices take place on every farm form the biggest factory farm to the smallest, highest regulated local British family farm.

And a great article by @acti-veg here.

And an excerpt from a fantastic talk below:

“We turn these living beings into data points, flowcharts, and percentages—calculate to a decimal point’s certainty the exact cost of every aspect of their lives and details for their deaths. We relegate the annual mass murder of over 3 billion day-old conscious, innocent babies to a footnote. A footnote in a study conducted for the welfare regulations we’re so graciously creating. We deem them legally sentient, deserving freedom from hunger, thirst, discomfort, pain, injury, disease, fear, distress and mental suffering, as the EU did—then use this very recognition of their capacity to feel the same emotions and sensations as we do to design—in language so disturbingly detached it’s nothing short of sociopathic—the exact manner in which we may legally violate, imprison, cut, burn, alter, and murder them.

This is how profoundly illogical our thinking is when it comes to animals. It goes against all basic human understanding. Knowing better but doing wrong anyway is worse than having no knowledge. Yet we have the audacity to hold this legislative recognition of non-human sentience on high as a giant step forward for the rights of animals. As if systematically exploiting individuals with fully admitted knowledge and comprehension of their capacity to suffer is something to commend.

Look what we offer ourselves as evidence of progress: one news report extolled the reduction in animals slipping and falling on their way to slaughter in one abattoir in one country. When we look at our actions from the other side, the perverse absurdity of our deluded self-congratulations is astounding. If you were in the place of these beings, how grateful would you feel if your captor laid down a bathmat on the ramp to your execution?

Is this really the best we have to offer? Being the most courteous murderers? The most considerate rapists? Pouring untold resources into these convoluted laws and regulations, all the while completely blind to the fact that there’s another option entirely”

The whole video:

youtube

You say that the sheep you farm are not murdered for their flesh. Are you trying to say that you don't send lambs or sheep of any age to slaughterhouses? You let them all live out their natural lifespans, caring for them till they die of old age>

And when it comes to slaughter, yes these animals are strung upsidedown to have their throats slit open. It's also not illegal to slaughter these animals without stunning in cases such as halal and kosher slaughter. But let's say that every single animal is slaughtered painlessly, this doesn't make this needless taking of life justifiable. @acti-veg has a great article here explaining why this is the case. It's important to recognize that the idea of some sort of ethical or even “humane” slaughter (which you seem to be implying is the case) is an oxymoronic marketing term designed to make people feel good about supporting something that is inherently immoral, taking the life of an innocent, sentient being for an unnecessary purpose.

But if we want to talk about the actual stunning of these animals for a moment, while stunning is supposed causes a temporary loss of consciousness. The MHS says that the interval between stunning and knifing can be as high as 70 seconds for sheep. Another study found that the average interval was 21 seconds. Sheep take an average of 14 seconds to lose brain responsiveness if both carotid arteries (the major arteries that supply blood to the head) are cut. UK law only requires one carotid artery to be cut and in this case, sheep take an average of 70 seconds to lose brain responsiveness. Yet an electric head-only stun only lasts between 20 and 40 seconds. This means that an estimated 4 million lambs/sheep will regain consciousness each year before they die and there is a lot of video footage showing lambs/sheep regaining consciousness as they bleed to death after being stung upside down to have their throats slit.

And when only one carotid artery is cut, sheep are often still alive after the required 20 seconds bleed out time, which means they are literally skinned alive, in British slaughterhouses. Researchers at Bristol University found that after an electric stun, sheep have periods of being fully aware of their surroundings i.e. they can still feel fear and they are conscious whilst hanging upside down on the killing rail, bleeding to death. They could not prove whether the electricity has an immediate effect and Dr Harold Hillman, Director of the Unity Laboratory of Applied Neurobiology has stated that when animals are stunned, they actually suffer extreme pain, they are simply unable to cry out or move because the massive electric current paralyzes them. So the stunning itself, which you are promoting as being an example of “high British welfare” is itself immensely cruel.

And I will link to some more info below for anyone reading this, my askbox is also always open if anyone has any questions.

~ Report on the British “high welfare” sheep farming industry

~ Fully referenced fact sheet here

~ Investigation into “high welfare” UK sheep farms and another here

~ Article form the guardian

~ Stress response in sheep during handling

~ Impact of lambing on sheep

~ Lamb slaughter ages

#wool #sheep #lambs #farming #animal agriculture #welfarism

12 notes · View notes

rahenning · 4 years

Text

Forgotten and Overlooked Cartoon Movies

On this week’s discussion we will explore two cartoon movies that you either may have watched when you were a child and got you disturbed giving you nightmares or you watched as an adult but probably had the same reaction as if you were a little kid. Or maybe it was just me who felt very confused watching it. This brings to my mind a thought. Are cartoons/ animation movies strictly designed for a young audience? Can a cartoon that is designed for children bring themes that may bring valuable discussions at home and teach good lessons to a little mind in development? Finding Nemo suggests to kids that step out of your comfort zone is important and to never give up even having so many obstacles on your life journey. Mulan is a great representation and inspiration for little girls to know that they can and should fight for their rights with confidence and independence. The list of animation movies that can be very inspiring for children is extensive. Although not all the cartoons/ animations movies have a young audience target. Titles such as “Fritz the Cat” (1972), “South Park” (1999) and the outstanding autobiographical “Persepolis” (2007) are definitely movies that probably wouldn’t be a good idea to have your child sitting next to you in the living room while you watch it.

Some movies sometimes either get forgotten or overlooked in the history of cartoon movies. Today we will give the attention necessary and deserved to two adult cartoon masterpieces; “Fantastic Planet” (1973) directed by Rene Laloux and “Watership Down” (1978) directed by Martin Rosen. Both movies are incredible on bringing to the table topics such as violence and power, authoritarian leaderships, division of social classes, democracy, the seek of home and belonging. We will cover that in a moment but excuse me on giving you some spoilers first. Both movies are modeled and gives to the audience historical lessons about specific times, events, and political aspects in society.

“Fantastic Planet” (1973) was a landmark in the history of European animation directed by Rene Laloux. The movie is a completely though-through science fiction vision which may be for many breathtaking or an unnecessarily experimental miserable detour. The movie resonates with historical allegories and radical politics based on European aesthetic principles. I personally find the aesthetic of this movie very surrealistic and resembles Salvador Dali’s artworks. The film takes place on the planet Ygam and shows two tribles of organisms that live against each other. The gigantic, intellectual, and blue Draags and the small and pinkish Oms that were removed by their masters Draags from their planet. The Oms are domesticated and enslaved by the Draags. The story unfolds and is narrated by Terr, one of the members of the Oms who grows and matures being domesticated next to the Draags. Terr learns about the culture of the Draags and their strange rituals of learning, meditation, wisdom, and development. Through mental inducement devices to transmit knowledge to future generations the Draags open the collective wisdom of their race. Terr escapes his captors and joins a renegade group of Oms. As the Draags try to control the radical Oms the film concludes in the final confrontation between the two groups and a satellite known as the Fantastic Planet.

In 1968 the film faced obstacles in the middle of its production. Soviet tanks invaded Prague, where the film was being produced, and occupied the city. After the invasion, the production of the film was extended for four years and was only released in 1973. In many ways the film represents these events. The communist occupation not only in Czechoslovakia but also in other Eastern European countries, is directly reminiscent of the convenient enslavement of the Oms by the Draags. In addition, the analogy of the relationship between owner and animal is effective between representing the relationship between the Soviet Union and its satellite states. While animals and Oms experienced modest degrees of autonomy, this was always monitored and limited by their masters. In both cases these masters maintained the fate of their servants. During that time, the illusion of this need was fabricated and often promoted to praise the positive attributes in the master. Besides that, the illusion of freedom has always been available at a distance, but it was collected in small doses. The masters reinforced and affirmed the hierarchical relationship that subordinates had with their servants. Two other elements are also symbolic of social and historical phenomena. Firstly,the tactics and techniques used by the Draags to destabilize the Oms and the camps where they lived that resemble the Nazi concentration camps and gas cameras. The film does an excellent job portraying the terror that the Draags cause in the Oms. The threat is greater than the attacks themselves. Didactically shows how to psychologically demoralize a society. Fear and oppression can have much greater causes and penetrate the coincidence of their victims. The film is then a provocative incursion into the state-sponsored psychological terror and its behaviors.

The second movie in discussion is “Watership Down” (1978) by Martin Rosen. The movie is a British animation based on the novel “Watership Down” by Richard Adams. The film was successful in the UK but not so much in the US. The controversy around it is what brings more attention. At first the audience may think it is a movie about cute bunnies living on a field. Well, its not extremely wrong but it goes far beyond it and its sensitive and explicit content is what labels the movie as an adult animation. The plot focuses on a group of rabbit living in the countryside. The group learns that their land is being invaded and poisoned by a construction company. They try to persuade the chief to evacuate. The chief refuses and they make a breakthrough with other members of their community. Many altercations happen between the group and makes the plot more excited and intriguing. The violence and the rage of the rabbits are shocking for many viewers. This film was U rated, which means it is suitable for all ages. And that’s what makes it more controversy. It creeps adults out and I can only imagine all the nightmares kids would have after watching it. The story is simply enough to follow with some tips of comedy in between the dramatic violent and swearing scenes.

What most of the viewers may not know is that “Watership Down” was inspired by its novel author Richard Adams real life personal experiences. He revealed that many of the animals in the movie were designed and based on officers that he, as a lieutenant, commanded in the World War 2. Not just the characters but many of the stories lived by the bunnies were also based on his real-life experiences and specifically the Battle of Arnhem, which he fought for over nine days in September 1944. Many soldiers were killed, and it answers why we see so many deaths and violent scenes in the movie. The character Hazel was inspired in his commanding officer Gifford. Gifford survived the war, and so did Hazel. According to the author, Bigwig was based on Captain Desmond “Paddy” Kavanagh. Adams describes him as “afraid of nothing and sensationalist”. “Good stories ought to be exciting and if they are exciting, they are inevitably scary in parts”- Richard Adams.

Learning more about the two films and its context, I believe it is easier now to understand and visualize the shared topics prior mentioned. Both movies are a tremendous critic to abuse of power and the use of mental and physical violence by the leaders in both fictional and real society. Our contemporary society lived and still experiences all these aspects. The movies simple used real-life events to base their narrative on. The division between social classes is clearly visible specially on “Fantastic Planet”. In todays age we still see and fight against this variance. Socio-economics class division happens in every and each country around the globe and it can be even more endured when we add race and sexual orientation for example. The seek of home and belonging are also very well covered in both movies. All the groups in both films wanted a place to be free from oppression and without fearing for their lives. I believe that everyone around this planet first goal in life is to feel secure, free and have a place that they can finally have this feeling of belonging inside their hearts.

Movements such as the Black Lives Matter are a great example of an oppressed community who is (and has always been) standing up for themselves, making them and their stories heard and fighting against an oppressive system in order to gain equality, safety and freedom.

https://blacklivesmatter.com/

In reference to the movie “Watership Down” I would like to also use the MST (Landless Workers Movement) as an example of fighting for the right of obtaining living and a sense of belonging. The Brazilian social movement defines it’s as goals access to land for the poor workers through land reforms.

To learn more about the movement please visit their page.

https://mst.org.br/english/

We already know that in “Fantastic Planet” the system the Draags kept the Oms in is oppressive and limit their capability of learning. They were labeled as savage and domesticated Oms. This system pretty much reflects the society we live in. The system intentionally takes out the chances of the less fortunate on learning and growing as people. It creates a division either in the movie and in our society between the “intellectuals” and the “anti-intellectuals”. What happens is that most oppressed group does not even have the eager of gaining more knowledge and that is all a consequence of the system they live in. It is all meticulously orchestrated by the system and it only makes the so called “intellectual” group of society more powerful over the other groups.

To be able to overcome their reality, the Oms had to finally come together and unite against the Draags. They had to listen to the domesticated and now more educated Oms who had more information and knowledge at the time. Without uniting, the Oms would not be able to defend themselves and attack the Draags.

Back to “Watership Down” we also see how internal conflicts inside a group or community may ruin or delay a common goal. In the movie we have characters that could fall into the label of intellectual and anti-intellectual. The protagonist of the movie, Hazel, may fall into the label of “intellectual”. He is the lead of the group and his actions were always to benefit all the band of rabbits and specially protect the small ones. Blackcherry is Hazel’s main source of knowledge and guidance. For this reason, he can also be called an “intellectual” in the group. In other hand we have Strawberry, a large rabbit but with no knowledge of how to live in the wild. He wanted to learn, although his lack of understanding of the wilderness could always affect their group.

To make a quick correlation to our society, we could divide the rabbits into a younger and older group. For example, in the younger group we have Hazel, Fiver, Strawberry and Dandelion. A group of young but very loyal and fierce rabbits. All of them with their specific positive characteristics that could be substantially important to a success of a group. In the older group we have General Woundwort, Captain Campion, and Captain Holly. Although they may be strong and experienced some of their actions may be destructive to the well being of the group. The older group often questions if the younger really knows what they are doing by their lack of experience. It is often seeing in our society too. An example is how our society keep only trusting in old candidates for important positions in our government. Why not to trust in new faces and new ideas for our society? The chances to keep repeating the problems are high. Maybe new minds and new ideas can make a lot of positive changes.

5 notes · View notes

personalityarchive · 4 years

Text

Edgar Valden 4w5 ISFP

[[16 September 2020

Originally written as a comment thread on PDB]]

While we all seem to agree that Edgar is undoubtedly a 4, it seems that there has been some debate over his wingtype; based on the newly released information for him, I would argue that Edgar is a clear example of a 4w5. In fact, his enneatype also feeds into the disagreement over his MBTI (and vice versa).

To begin, here is a direct translation of his character summary, also featured as the brief description on this profile:

“The only son in the Valden family of aristocrats, Edgar showed an interest and high talent in painting from childhood. Praise from his family and the public has led to his eccentric character. His perception of the world around him led to his belief that nobody else is worthy to speak to him about art.”

A surface-level look at this may suggest to some a 3 wing, for the simple fact that “praise from the public” is mentioned. However, the key here is that it has resulted in his becoming an “eccentric character”, a label the 4w3 is less likely to be assigned than a 4w5. The influence from the 3 gives the 4 a bit more awareness of social expectations and appearing “acceptable”, but a 5 wing gives the 4 an even more deeply introspective and self-referential worldview. Any enneatype can receive public praise; it’s how the person reacts to it that truly indicates their personality type.

This description of his character also pairs well with Fi > Fe, as in (an unhealthy) use of dominant Fi in the ISFP; Edgar displays absolutely no Fe. He is not interested in the feelings or opinions of others. In fact, what frustrates him is that nobody else seems to understand how he feels, which in his mind is obviously the only correct way to see and understand art.

His character trailer only further cements the interpretation of an emotionally-driven, authenticity-seeking 4w5 ISFP:

“All that is beautiful in this world; once upon a time, that was the inspiration for my paintings. But slowly, they stopped looking so cute to me. The plebeians, you see, they do not revere art, because they will never grasp it. Hypocritical and double-faced, avaricious and insatiable, obstreperous and useless. None amongst you can speak with me on the true essence of art.”

“And when this place can bring me pleasure no more I can only hope that that paradise will bring me yet unknown inspiration.”

His arrogance is not the pride of a 3 wing; it is more in line with the sense of pseudo-intellectual superiority of a 5 wing. He feels that the people around him cannot possibly understand the depth, the “true meaning” behind art. We can see this further reflected in how he describes the “plebeians”:

“Hypocritical and double-faced, avaricious and insatiable, obstreperous and useless.”

Here, there is a clear emphasis on the values of the 4 — authenticity, deep feelings, a sense of meaning — alongside an outright rejection of the 3’s social masking. The passion of the 3 is deceit, which manifests as molding the self into the vision of “success” or being “productive”. A 4w3, especially a less healthy one, struggles to balance the inner need to express themself and the desire to maintain appearances or be in style, one way or another.

The 4w3, because of the assertive Hornevian type of the wing, is also more openly competitive and ambitious, and tends to be more socially extraverted than a 4w5. With a 3 wing, Edgar would be driven to not only express himself creatively, but would also desire success — he would self-promote in order to gain recognition. His character trailer clearly expresses that his struggle is not lack of praise for his work; rather, it is a feeling of hopeless longing, of having a rich internal world that nobody can understand.

This aspect of Edgar’s character is far more the struggle of the unhealthy 4w5. With a doubly introverted frame of reference, the 4w5 is more prone to getting lost in the fantasy world they have constructed; anything that doesn’t meet this set of expectations is derided as being “inauthentic” and discarded. Moreover, even the choice to describe people with words like “two-faced” and “obstreperous” points to a 4w5. We see in the first adjective the 4’s concern with presenting only one’s inner truth, and in the second an aversion to loud and aggressive mannerisms, as well as a discontentment with others’ expectations.

His distaste for hypocrisy is presented to the viewer, and is not then followed by an ironic twist where Edgar himself is shown to be engaging in such behavior (as in other character trailers); therefore, it’s safe to say that he presents himself true to his beliefs, and is generally neither loud nor demanding. Again, with influence from 3, we would expect to see some of these traits reflected in his character; their absence, along with the presence of the more ruminative melancholy, make clear a 4 with an influence from 5.

Edgar’s reverence of art and its “true essence”, on top of the stylistic choice of the trailer itself, further lends towards such a reading. While the artistic direction of the animation could simply be because he’s an painter, this idea could easily have been conveyed using any number of alternate techniques. The choices made were deliberate — or at least, in such productions, should be — and as such, can be taken thusly.

As always, the trailer is in the first person, and is meant to reflect his own perception of the world. By framing Edgar’s entire life as being contained within various paintings, of being defined by the abstract or intangible “essence”, the video suggests that he is living inside his own head, with all external input being filtered through his own personal values and beliefs. This is both the realm of the 4 (especially wing 5) and an ISFP using unhealthy Fi.

Further support for this can be found in the word choice of the original Chinese: the version of the pronoun “they” used in the opening lines:

“All that is beautiful in this world; once upon a time, that was the inspiration for my paintings. But slowly, they stopped looking so cute to me.”

This version of “they” in Chinese is only used for people, not objects or a concept. However, the handling of the “they” in question is the same way one would talk about something non-living. In other words, Edgar sees people primarily as objects of inspiration for his own creativity; the things he experiences in the real world are heavily filtered through Fi, and (before his further deterioration in health) shaped into whatever he needs them to be to inspire him to create.

From this quote, we also know that his primary extraverted function must be perceiving. His natural instinct was to draw his inspiration from direct observation of the physical world around him, rather than being able to generate it fully from within. When describing his motivation for going to Oletus, Edgar says:

“And when this place can bring me pleasure no more I can only hope that that paradise will bring me yet unknown inspiration.”

This supports both the 4’s search for that “missing something” and an ISFP’s need for Se input to support dominant Fi. Furthermore, as an artist, Edgar uses his Se not only to take in sensory information, but also as an outlet for his Fi. By creating art, he’s able to express his emotions and intangible inner landscape in a way that others can experience, and hopefully, understand.

He does not search for connections between ideas or people like a Ne-user, nor does he focus on making quick or logical decisions like a Te-user. Sure he’s judgmental, but it comes purely from a place of emotion, not reason or anything more concrete than that he finds humanity as a whole to be ugly and worthless. This points to unhealthy Fi and inferior Te.

Edgar’s focus on the “true nature” of art and his feelings of disillusionment with humanity is the result of his dominant Fi and tertiary Ni; together, his Fi and Ni create for him a bottomless well of emotions where he holds a sense of art’s essential “essence” and a need to find meaning in everything he experiences. Without these things, he has no inspiration, and therefore must seek out a new external environment (Se) to feed his internal one. With unhealthy Fi, Edgar has gotten so deeply entrenched in his own vision of the world that he has let it overwhelm him, and his Fi interpretation of his Se has become excessively negative.

The Fi’s need for authenticity and confidence in its own internally-held ideas can come across as equally harsh as a dominant or auxiliary Te-user’s criticism. The key difference here is that while the Te’s aggression comes from a frustration at others’ lack of logic or practicality, the Fi’s hostility comes from feeling misunderstood or personally attacked. While Edgar may have Te, it is clearly his inferior function. Not only is he not primarily driven by external decision-making, the way he does use Te is to serve his Fi. In ISFPs, the Te is relied upon when their Fi holds an opinion strongly enough that they feel they must take action on it. This is especially true when under stress or defending against perceived threats; when in such a state, ISFPs can become incredibly critical of others, and will state their Fi beliefs in a matter-of-fact, Te style of speaking. In Edgar, this is what has created his attitude of “None amongst you can speak with me on the true essence of art.”

Further evidence for Edgar having the ISFP function stack is held within his third external trait:

“The Painter focuses on the sensations behind real objects. Therefore, he is not afraid of progress when sitting on a rocket chair. When a Painter is put on a rocket chair for the second time, the progress in sitting on the chair continues from the moment he was last placed.”

Aside from meaning that he can be chaired four times, this external trait is interesting in its title. The Chinese characters used for the first word confidently translates into “sensitive” (as in emotions), while the second word can be translated two different ways. The second word is used to mean either “direct observation” or “intuitive”. Therefore, a full reading of this trait can be either “emotional sensing” or “emotionally intuitive”.

Furthermore, the trait description itself lines up with a function stack that leads with Fi: “The Painter focuses on the sensations behind real objects.”

This is just shy of having “Edgar leads with feeling” outright stated. Moreover, it supports auxiliary Se, where he uses his Fi as the primary way to understand the external stimuli he receives. This more internally-focused way of engaging with reality once again supports a 4w5 reading over 4w3; Edgar is not driven to use his creativity in a way that would generate professional success. He is creating for creativity’s own sake, to express something that is true to his vision of art.

Also in Edgar’s profile are the character traits “arrogant, paranoid, neurotic”. Coupled with his “eccentric character”, this solidly places Edgar as a 4 with a 5 wing, with a clear influence from the 5 in his paranoia and neuroticism. While Edgar seemed to enjoy the praise heaped upon him, this does not automatically indicate a 3 wing. The 4 is just as capable as the 3 of basking in praise; after all, it feeds into the 4’s need for specialness just as much as it does the 3’s need for outstanding achievement. However, we see for Edgar that this praise was not enough; ultimately, the attention was worthless because nobody could understand the true essence of his work, or grasp the deeper meaning behind it.

Edgar’s emotional rejection of his adoring public continues to support a 5 wing. At average to unhealthy levels, 4w5s retreat into an at times bizarre fantasy world that to them appears real. The elitist and eccentric nature of the 4w5 leads to an ever-intensifying internal search for an expression of the genuine and unique self. They can appear to “push the edges of sanity” in pursuit of this, which ties into Edgar’s description as being “neurotic” and “paranoid”.

As the 4w5 decreases in health, the feelings of emptiness and isolation grow, and their image of the world becomes increasingly bleak. Just as in Edgar’s trailer, the world, once rose-tinted and romanticized, is slowly transformed into a grotesque or ugly place; humanity becomes a breed of irredeemable, ignorant or sick creatures. There is a wallowing in the hopelessness and magnification of feelings (that then get bottled up inside) resulting in a negative feedback loop. This is the sort of state that the letter finds Edgar in, and what draws him to Oletus.

The trailer makes it clear that Edgar’s acceptance of the Manor’s invitation is based entirely on his desire to complete a work that will satisfy himself, and only himself. He is not interested in gaining recognition for it. Rather, he sees it as a cure for his own sense of longing — nothing has been able to satisfy him.

On the other hand, the 4w3 tend more towards social extraversion, and are more likely than 4w5s to directly share their overwhelming feelings. Even at decreasing health levels, the 4w3 has more of the performative nature of the 3 than the withdrawal of the 5. The 4w3, when under stress, attempts to magnify the emotions they identify as “genuine”, paradoxically losing touch with their true feelings. There is a theatrical quality to their emotional displays not present in the 4w5; this serves to cover up their inner feelings of an emptiness that can’t ever be filled. Rather than an attachment to a fabricated inner landscape, the 4w3 exhibits a clinging to the external expression of manufactured emotions.

One of the few things I can think of in terms of how Edgar could be mistaken for having a 3 wing is that he has so in his instinctual stack; however, even with this, Edgar is sp/so, which in theory should make his 5 wing more obvious. As for how his enneatype and MBTI can cause mistyping in one or the other, I do have a few ideas. When exhibiting the highly critical and arrogant nature of an unhealthy 4 — especially with a 5 (mind center) wing — a character may have Te ascribed to them. However, their strong words and actions are ultimately tied to emotions, not logic; with auxiliary Se serving unhealthy Fi, the choices made are impulsive (Se) rather than decisive (Te).

Additionally, I can perhaps see some mixup regarding his sweeping statements about art’s underlying nature. This can be seen perhaps as him being a Ne-user, or either a dominant or auxiliary Ni-user. In fact, this ties back into the 5 wing; the 5 is interested in creating a mental theory of the world, or some particular part of it. This “big picture” thinking is characteristic of strong intuition users. However, we see with Edgar that of higher importance is his own subjective values; art has a certain essence because he believes it to be so. This sense of what art “truly is” cannot be Ne, because it’s derived entirely from connections made between his own internal feelings and “gut sense”, rather than between things in the world around him. It is not dominant or auxiliary Ni, because his Fi is much stronger. Once again, this ties back to Edgar’s 4 base, and to his unhealthy use of dominant Fi.

In short, Edgar displays none of the traits or motivations characteristic to the 4w3, and has a function stack that even at a cursory glance simply cannot lead with thinking or intuiting. Given the information provided by both his trailer and the Chinese character profile, I cannot see Edgar as being anything other than a 4w5 ISFP.

#identity v #idv #idv painter #edgar valden #long post #mbti #isfp #enneagram #enneatype #4w5 #ennea 4 #personality database #character analysis

6 notes · View notes

thedistantstorm · 4 years

Text

Project Compass 27

Read along on AO3 Here

<< Previous Chapter << >> Next Chapter >>

This time: Ar’alani, Mitth’raw’nuruodo, and Eli’van’to finally have the talk.

Next time: Ivant and Thrawn seek out an old ally.

Ar’alani was furious. One look at Thrawn and she knew that he’d known. His eyes were wide and his focus was off, as though he’d just been given knowledge that was too much to process. His usual clarity had been replaced by an obvious haze. It had been a possibility, even more now that she had promoted him to be her second in command. Among her staff, only Senior Captain Kresh knew somewhat of Project Compass’s objectives, but she’d sent him away to bring her key players closer. Kresh understood that Ivant’s project was far superior to his pride.

The admiral allowed his floundering to carry on for the rest of the shift, only expressing her disdain for his unusually sloppy behavior with sharp commands to set him back on track and several sighs between impressive eye rolls. The rest of her bridge crew were too busy being concerned with her mood to notice that the captain was consumed by his thoughts, and only when there was less than an hour to go in the shift did she vacate the bridge with a sharp order for Thrawn to seek her out the moment he completed his own duties.

Then, when the hydraulics of the aft doors closed behind her, she raised Captain Ivant on comms. Vehemently, she hissed, “If you are not in my office by the time I arrive-”

“I’m already waiting for you, ma’am,” Ivant cut in, apologetic and polite - or at least as polite as one could be, interrupting their furious commanding officer. “I know,” He added, softer.

She didn’t bother replying, stalking through the hallways of her ship like a predator who’d scented a wounded animal. It took only a few minutes to reach her office from the bridge. She swept past Ivant as she entered, ignoring his rise to attention and salute, the fist clenched over his heart. She did not tell him to sit. “You will tell me everything,” She growled. “You. Will. Not. Lie.”

“Yes, admiral,” Ivant said, determination flavoring his tone.

So it was to be like that, she thought to herself. Ivant would go on the defensive, insisting that he had good reason to go against her. She didn’t doubt that he understood the situation, that he would inform Thrawn of their secrets so lightly, but she also knew he was loyal to Thrawn, to a fault. He saw the best in him - like she did - but at times (most times, she thought, though she’d tried to help him see reason over his devotion) to a far more blinding degree. She didn’t enjoy keeping Thrawn out of the loop, of course. It was a handicap she didn’t enjoy. Thrawn’s reasoning skills, his ability to see what others did not, was help they could use. However, Ar’alani was not willing to risk telling secrets to anyone who would likely end up in enemy hands, who was a prize so clearly coveted. It was not personal.

The slightest roll of her desk chair was silent, the tension in the room thick as she positioned herself comfortably, one leg crossed over the other, shoulders pulled back, posture coiled like a serpent waiting to strike. She watched him evaluate her, assess her emotions. Good, she thought, watching him swallow, noticing the slightest heak peeking out beneath from his high-collared tunic. He should be worried. Any other admiral would have him detained without hearing him out. She could tell he knew.

“You told Mitth’raw’nuruodo,” She accused.

“Yes,” He agreed, meeting her gaze head on. He did not defend himself further.

“Yes?” Her tone escalated sharply, mezzo-alto to soprano, like the opening notes of a furious symphony. “Tell me, Eli’van’to, why I am not reaching across this desk to beat you senseless. It is becoming a more enticing possibility by the second.” She clenched her fists, then folded them across the desk in front of her.

“Vah’nya and Un’hee had already begun telling him the nature of our work,” He began slowly, choosing his words with the care indicative of his fragile position. “Un’hee coerced Thrawn into speaking with her privately. Vah’nya caught them, and pulled them aside. She believed to control what information Un’hee was about to leak, since she did not believe Mitth’raw’nurodo would let it go without a fight.”

It was probable, however, “Did you conspire with either Navigator?”

“No,” Eli said, and at Ar’alani’s frightening glower, the way her eyes glowed with the promise of retribution for lying to her, he added, “Not that the thought didn’t cross my mind, but I would like to think I have some honor and I don’t particularly enjoy manipulating innocent Navigators to play military politics, whether they’re willing to or not.”

Admiral Ar’alani’s focus remained pointed, like a blade, sharp on his face. He did not flush further, there was no tic to indicate that he’d been lying. Eli’van’to had learned a long time ago not to lie, especially not to a Chiss if at all possible, and most importantly never to lie to her. It struck her that he didn’t typically lie at all, not even in the beginning, which was likely more of an ingrained character trait than anything Thrawn could have taught. Thrawn was a master at deception and half-truths, and that, Ar’alani had always believed, was because he’d been capable of deceiving even himself on some level. It would have been a useful skill with the Aristocra and the Admiralty had her not been so inept at the art of politics. Sometimes she wondered how far the Empire’s ruler had dangled him on precarious puppet strings before he realized he’d been made into a pawn. Other times she wondered if he knew and simply valued himself so little in regards to what he believed would benefit the greater good.

If there was one trait both her captains shared, it was extreme understatement of their value to the Ascendancy as the fundamental beings they were.

She sighed and waved her hand, her anger cresting like a wave reaching shore and rolling back within the greater sea. “Sit, Ivant,” She ordered, sighing.

He nodded and did so, waiting for her to continue. She did, though not without rubbing her temples first. “You sought to control things as Vah’nya did,” She supposed. “Were you successful?”

“They told him there’s no antidote, and how he survived the incident back on the Compass. I rather thought that was enough.”

“Obviously. He floundered through the rest of his shift as if concussed. Did he see how it works?”

“No. You know the girls, they’re not for needless violence, though Thrawn did ask.”

“I am not surprised,” She said. “Though I am quite concerned that Vah’nya agreed.”

“So am I,” Ivant nodded, crossing his arms as he leaned back, collecting his thoughts. “She believed that the semantics of how Thrawn learned - being told before he could discover it for himself - would change things.”

“Yes, she’d said as much to me,” Ar’alani hummed. “But do you believe it?”

“They do,” He said, but conceded, “I don’t know what to think. Vah’nya definitely wasn’t keen on telling him more than what Un’hee knows, which, thankfully, isn’t all that much.”

The admiral pursed her lips, considering. “Would you tell him the rest?”

“Our research, yes. The other part,” Eli shook his head. “Not yet. That doesn’t leave the three of us.”

“Good,” She interrupted, stroking her chin thoughtfully. “We are on the same page then.”

Ivant wasn’t able to contain his look of surprise. “Really? You want to reveal our research? I thought-”

Ar’alani rose from her desk, the captain following her with a subtle turn of his head as she procured liquor and glasses - three glasses, Eli noted - from the auspiciously located cabinet near her memory wall. “I do not enjoy keeping secrets, though I suspect you have always assumed otherwise.”

“It’s part of command, ma’am,” He offered tentatively. “I understand the necessity.”

“Yes,” She agreed, “But we both have larger aspirations. If Un’hee and Vah’nya trust him with their most precious secrets - in spite of my wishes - I must take that into account and adapt. It is a new dawn in the Ascendancy. It must be. I must trust them, as I trust you, and as I hope you have come to trust me.”

“I do, Admiral.” He paused, then revised, “Ar’alani.”

She nodded. “Very good, Ivant.”

Thrawn found himself confronted with the last thing he had been expecting to see when he arrived for his post shift-report: Eli, sitting across from Ar’alani, the ornate decanter set in the middle of the desk, liquor of varying levels in each of their glasses as they conversed quietly.

“I’ll spare you the tedium,” She said, gesturing to the vacant seat to Eli’s left. “You are off duty. Sit.” She nodded to Eli, who pulled the stopper from the top of the decanter and poured a healthy glass of liquor - too much for Chiss standards - into a third glass Thrawn hadn’t been able to see.

Still recovering, Thrawn said with confusion shadowing his features, “This isn’t necessary, I-”

“Sit,” Ar’alani ordered. “I happen to know you like this particular infusion, and after the day you’ve had, you obviously need something a bit more bracing than the Navigator’s wintermint tea.”

Thrawn looked between both of them, mind already at work. “You told her what the Navigators and I discussed,” He said to Eli.

Ivant’s eyebrows rose, almost as if questioning Thrawn’s reason to believe he wouldn’t have told the Admiral.

“Navigator Vah’nya insinuated you had autonomy.”

“He does,” Ar’alani answered, then desisted as her answering for the human in their midst only suggested otherwise.

Said human took a slow pull from his drink. “Still, it’s a matter of trust. You gave it away before I could tell her, though, which is part of why you’re here.”

“I will admit that this is a bit of a surprise.”

“Yes,” Ar’alani admitted. “You sent him here to identify Navigators within our midst,” Her lips curled in the beginnings of a smile. “You should know he’s entirely failed at realizing that objective.”

His eyes caught Eli’s glass, inclined in her direction in a sarcastic toast.

Instead of a rebuke, her smile warmed. That was arguably more startling than Eli’s improper gesture in the wake of their commanding officer. “What he has contributed is far more valuable,” She said. “It sounds fantastical, doesn’t it?”

“Navigators who can heal,” Thrawn said, after a very tiny sip of his drink. His voice was quiet, awed, almost hoarse. “Because of a desire to protect.”

Ar’alani’s curved lips took on a true smile, then. Though severe, there was a kindness, a warmth behind her eyes that her smile seemed to brighten, like kindling catching fire. “Yes. A concept that I did not understand until it was shown to me.”

“You’ve seen their abilities at work?” Thrawn asked her.

“In extremes? Twice. Most recently when Un’hee stepped in to save your life,” She began. “The first… it was a little more than two years ago now,” She informed him, her eyes flickering to Ivant before settling back on Thrawn. “On Copero.”

“Vah’nya didn’t elaborate with Un’hee in the room,” Eli said as he knocked back the rest of his drink. He hadn’t had it on the desk before Ar’alani had lifted the decanter to refill his glass. They shared a glance. “Good times,” He said softly.

“That was anything but. You,” She gestured to Ivant, “Were lost. We were waiting for your heart to stop.” She didn’t comment on Thrawn lifting his drink to his lips, nor how it remained poised in front of what must have been one hell of a frown if the furious, unmasked concern his eyes was any indication. She blinked slowly, pulling up the memory in her mind’s eye. “And Vah’nya had all but been pronounced clinically insane.”

For Thrawn’s benefit, Eli cut in. “The Grysks tortured us for months. We managed to escape, but there was a price for doing so,” He said, without further explanation. “I wasn’t conscious when the Steadfast found us. Separating her from me wasn’t-” He shrugged. “Judging by the way Un’hee clung to you after she’d helped you, I believe it’s a psychosomatic side effect. It’d be like leaving someone vulnerable without adequate guards posted to protect them.” He swallowed a little more of his drink and set the glass on Ar’alani’s desk. “But I wasn’t able to tell them, and Vah’nya was conscious and traumatized. Without seeing it, it’s not easy to believe, but it isn’t something to be done lightly.”

“It does not seem to hurt them, though it does take a great deal of energy,” Ar’alani explained.

Thrawn looked between them, then settled his gaze on Eli. “You said there was a price for your escape,” He trailed off, expectantly.

“A bomb on one of the inner hatches. I never would have deactivated it in time, and it would have killed Vah’nya, so,” He didn’t go on about his injuries. “I knew about her abilities, they were the only reason I’d lived as long as I had. She couldn’t heal me completely, mind you, but she’s a smart woman. She’d pulled me back from the brink more times than I could count. She thought it was selfish,” He admitted, gazing at something unseen at a distance, “But I didn’t want to die any more than she wanted to be left alone.”

“Anyway,” Ar’alani interrupted, when her human captain said no more, her voice soft and far-away, “I had allowed Vah’nya to see him, against my better judgement.” She smiled softly. “She’d been non-verbal for days, but when I led her into his room, she sat at the edge of his bed, took his hand in hers and, well,” Ar’alani shrugged. “It was like the mediation the Jedi-boy is so fond of,” She said, “It was strange, seeing her in a trance like that, even as the damage done to him seemed to melt away.”

“I came to the next morning,” Eli took over, jolting Thrawn from his thoughts. “Now, we think that the time away was probably for the best. Vah’nya would have exhausted herself to the point of self-harm to heal me. She had been, for a long while.”

Thrawn looked at the glass in his hands, his fingers woven tightly around it. “Was Un’hee harmed treating my affliction?” He asked carefully.

“We watched over her,” Ar’alani said. “Both of us. She was tired, but not harmed.”

“Without being injured, the girls are stronger than we give them credit for. There are more factors than physical strength at play. Force of will, compassion, a lot of it plays into things,” Ivant told him. “There’s more though.”

Ar’alani nodded. “You failed to predict navigators as we’d hoped you would,” She began, her gaze sharply focused on Eli. “But you did tell us how to keep them.”

“Keep them?”

Ar’alani pulled a holopad from her desk, passed through several layers of encryption, and toggled a key to project data in front of them. “This data is pulled from key Navigators. We cannot provide funding for mysticism - even if we can prove its existence - without providing some kind of data, something to indicate we can replicate what we’ve achieved, even if it’s improbable.”

“You’ve found a way to identify which Navigators are more likely to present with this ability?” Thrawn frowned. “Why now? Surely if this ability were possible we would have-”

Ar’alani pointed to Ivant.

“No. The Navigators are the ones responsible,” He said. “Not me.”

“Yes, you,” She said. “You are the reason Vah’nya was strong enough to subject herself to the Grysks. Your courage inspired her to be brave. Your compassion and sacrifice lit a fire within her. And Un’hee,” She shook her head. “That girl believes you to be the guardian she so desperately desires. You protect and encourage her. You teach her to convert her weaknesses into strengths, where we would have told her to cover them up and move beyond them.”

Sensing his obvious discomfort, Ar’alani addressed Thrawn. “The Ascendancy owes you a great debt, Mitth’raw’nuruodo. You sent us an ally that may very well save our people from the crippling darkness that threatens to consume us from within.”

“By healing them?”

“Look at the data, Thrawn,” Ar’alani gestured to the projection between them.

Bright red eyes scanned through the orange and blue data, the numbers that peaked and stayed, the indicator marks. “Exposure to Navigators who have come into this ability will allow them to more easily attain the levels necessary to manifest it themselves,” Thrawn observed.

“Correct,” Eli seemed to adopt a teaching tone. “What else?”

“It is linked to emotional maturity. How they process their emotions. The ones with higher emotional output, in terms of neural activity indicated here, are more likely to be good candidates.” Thrawn said.

“They are,” He agreed. “We have many candidates identified. The younger ones will be easier to work with, but it would be foolish to discredit older Navigators who are more self aware.”

Ar’alani toggled another chart on her pad. “And this, Mitth’raw’nuruodo. Tell me what you see.”

“These two are higher than the rest,” He began. “Navigators Un’hee and Vah’nya?” He questioned, to which the admiral nodded. “You did not collect as much neural data before this happened.” He indicated a peak, before a plateau in the far longer line that indicated Vah’nya’s brain activity. “This was after her time with the Grysks,” He said, standing as if the projection were tangible. He followed the line. “It had been steadily diminishing,” He reasoned, “But ceased after she’d-” Thrawn whirled around to face Eli as the hand he’d had outstretched flew back to cover his mouth.

Eli smiled, and this time it was unrestrained, genuine.

“We do not have all the data yet from Un’hee, but as you can see, her levels have begun to even out at a level far exceeding Vah’nya’s, even before she managed to save your life,” Ar’alani said, though it could have fallen on deaf ears for how little Thrawn reacted to her words. She sighed, exasperated. Neither man seemed to pay attention to another slow, deliberate roll of her eyes. “Ivant, tell him before he keels over. I believe he wishes to hear it from you.”

Thrawn swallowed, his hand falling away from his face. His expression was serious. “I do,” He said intently, inflection heavy with some mix between seriousness and formality. “I want you to tell me what you have discovered, Eli’van’to.”

“The data suggests,” Eli said, standing to face his fellow captain and indicating the relevant points on the graph from memory, “That the Navigators who are capable of healing will not lose their Sight.”

“Never?” Thrawn asked in that same odd tone.

“That is my belief. Vah’nya and Un’hee say it is something intrinsic that they can tell, in the way they have visions and feel things differently than we do. The data supports that theory.”

“Welcome to Project Compass, Mitth'raw'nuruodo,” Ar’alani said. “I trust what we’ve discussed will remain in the highest confidences, and will not be discussed with your aide.” She inclined her head. “You may go now,” She said dismissively, though there was a spark in her eye as she looked between them. “Both of you.”

They both turned to her, stiffening to attention before stepping back out into the officer’s corridor. Thrawn’s face had gone blank, and so Eli looked up at him in concern. “You okay?” He asked carefully. “I know that was a lot.”

“Mm,” Thrawn hummed. They walked together, side by side. “What Ar’alani said, about you being the catalyst-”

“She’s over exaggerating,” Eli interrupted. “As I have been telling her for some time now, I simply hope I can give them the tools to succeed. Nothing more.”

“On the contrary,” Thrawn said, hand wrapping around Eli’s wrist to stop him from continuing on. He waited until Eli had turned and was looking up at him. Even then, he didn’t pull away. “I believe her,” He said. He searched Eli’s eyes, reveling in how unguarded he was, how natural his confidence presented itself. “I underestimated you. I believed I knew your potential, but I was wrong. You are so much more.” He put his unoccupied hand on Eli’s cheek, his fingertips just barely grazing the soft, rich brown hair at Eli’s temples.

A smaller, darker hand covered the one pressed to Eli’s face as they drew closer together. “You’re saying that because of what I’ve done,” He said softly. “It’s what anyone would have.”

“Not anyone.” His gaze grew more intense, flicked down towards Eli’s lips and back, and couldn’t help meeting the other man’s gentle smile with one to match as he drove the point home. “Only you.”

“Thrawn, I-”

“There you are!” Both Thrawn and Eli flinched back as Ezra approached from behind Thrawn. Eli couldn’t help the small, bashful smirk as Thrawn’s forehead wrinkled in displeasure. “I’ve been looking everywhere for you. You just kinda left me and I need to know-”

“I will meet you in my quarters shortly. It’s been keyed to recognize biometrics,” Thrawn said, waving him off without even turning to face the Jedi. “Do you not need to meditate?”

“Meditate?” Ezra cocked his head. “No, I’m fine, wh- oh. Karabast,” He swore.

Eli smirked, more amused than upset. “I have some things to take care of myself,” He said, “You know,” He stepped back from Thrawn, their fingertips catching as he pulled away from the hand wrapped around his wrist. He wove their fingers together and squeezed gently before pulling away, “We’ll talk soon, okay?”

Thrawn’s eyes fluttered closed as he accepted the temporary defeat. “I will hold you to that, Ivant.”

He leaned forward and whispered in sun-warmed Sy Bisti, “I like it better when you call me Eli, Captain,” Before spinning on his heel and heading off, leaving Thrawn to stare after him.

“Yeah,” Ezra drawled from behind him, now very much aware of his intrusion. “So…”

Thrawn whirled around and gave him a sinister look.

“I am so sorry,” He said, as Thrawn moved past him. “Though,” He tried to catch up with the far taller man’s strides, “To be fair, if you were about to kiss him, you probably should have picked a less open space. In fact,” He tried, though there was not a chance in hell it would help things, “You could say it’s probably for the best that I interrupted…”

#thranto #mitth'raw'nuruodo #eli vanto #ar'alani #eli vanto/thrawn #sw fanfiction #ezra you little shit #this is the chapter where i finally lit a match in this slow burn #there's actual flirtation and everything #also thrawn loves eli for his brain power #and also because he's a beautiful sunshine boy and there could be no greater gift to the ascendancy #also when this started i never envisioned ar'alani and eli having the relationship they do but i have exactly zero regrets #my writing

8 notes · View notes