#it would have been timeline altering for me to do this in my teenage years

[max-the-mouse]

all im saying is that if i had done one (1) open chest binding cosplay i would have figured out i was trans a lot sooner

[yesimwriting]

Final Girl - Part 8

Series Masterlist (updated chapters 1 -9 and extras) Final Girl Masterlist

A/N this took awhile,, but i always want to put my best foot forward bc of how much this series means to me, which means i work when i’m in the right headspace for it and have the time to invest,, which hasn’t been lining up too much recently 😭 anyways i see all the supportive comments and appreciate them sm!!

also keep in mind that my priority is not the timeline, like if you’re feeling like the month before halloween is the longest month of all time,, it’s bc i want to give them bonding time before the heavy murder stuff! 

Series Summary: Y/n can’t believe that she has to leave the only home she’s ever known just because her mom’s latest boyfriend has a house in some town in California. Just as she’s starting to think that Woodsboro might not be that bad, something life altering happens after she agrees to sleep over at the Becker’s house. Now her name is practically synonymous with Ghostface’s/

Chapter Summary: Y/n tries to get back to normal and work on her friendships, but there’s nothing normal about surviving a serial killer attack, and it’s no one’s fault her friends keep noticing. She’s navigating the start of dealing with her trauma while also trying to be a good friend, especially since Billy hasn’t been feeling like himself lately. In a desperate attempt to feel like a normal, healthy teenager, Y/n crosses a personal boundary. 

----

My mom has often told me that in many ways, I was born as an old lady. 

She’d always say it after I tried being responsible. Suggesting that she give herself a curfew on weeknights, or at the very least, call if she was going to be late. Reminding her that there’s a reason people gave her the side eye when she took a visibly underage me into R-rated movies. 

Now that I’m older, I guess she was right in a lot of ways. I wasn’t the kid-iest kid, if that makes sense, but there was one thing I was always good at: playing dress up. 

With a mom like Gloria, it would have been hard not to. For years, my mom’s closet basically had the same magical properties as Disneyland. I thought that that mindset might have just been nine-year-old me, but apparently not, because Tatum and Sidney have been looking through it like it’s life changing. 

“Okay.” Tatum picks up one of my mom’s shimmery wrap and tosses it over her shoulder. “It’s official, when I die, I want to be buried here.”

I look over in time to watch her observe herself in the mirror. “Then I hope you live for a very long time.” 

She wrinkles her nose.  “That better not be the only reason.” 

“Course not, you know I love you very much, Tate-a-boo.” I make a quick kiss-y face, and Tatum almost giggles before returning the gesture. 

Turning away from my mom’s dresses, Sidney smiles. “Please, for all our sakes, don’t let Stu hear you say that.” 

After the joke settles, I practically snort. “Good point.” I step a little further into the closet, refocusing my attention. The only reason we’re all in here is because I wanted to borrow a pair of shoes before going out to the nail salon. It was Tatum’s idea, and the state of my cuticles made me agree. My social hibernation has not been good to them. “Okay, these are the shoes.” 

Sidney steps out of the closet to give me the space to do the same. I slip on the shoes, happy with how they look with my outfit and their level of comfortableness. My mom rarely buys any shoes for herself that aren’t heels, so she ends up taking anything that’s remotely comfortable from my closet. 

“I want to stay here.” Tatum’s hand brushes against the sleeve of something cashmere. “Maybe forever.” 

“And leave your nail beds like that?” Sid glances away from the full length mirror that’s right outside of my mom’s closet. She turns her attention to her reflection, adjusting the fluffiness of her always, almost magically perfect bangs.

Tatum halfheartedly glares before stepping out of the closet. “You’re such a liar.” She raises a hand, studying her palm while walking out of the closet. “You told me they looked fine yesterday.”

Sidney almost smiles before throwing me a look. A quick raise of eyebrows that seems to say got her. “We’re gonna be late.” 

----

The first nail appointment after awhile always feels like willingly volunteering to get a bunch of paper cuts. It’s not overwhelming painful, just a little irritating. After feels nice, though, now that my nails look fresh and I know I don’t have to worry about having my cuticles professionally gutted for a little bit. 

And being around Sidney and Tatum is nice. Familiar in a way that’s still new. It’s weird in a good way. Like I could start throwing around cheesy terms like BFF and it wouldn’t even be dumb. It’d still be ironic, but I think they’d get the sentiment. It’s not that I’ve never had good friends, but this is different. A little more open.

Like right now we’re in Sidney’s room and we’re not talking about anything in particular, just going off of whatever comes up. I could probably say the dumbest thing in the world right now and it wouldn’t even feel unfitting or awkward. 

“...Shut up, he was not that bad.” Tatum’s trying to sound more upset than she is. Somehow Sidney found a way to tell me about Tatum’s first boyfriend. A total middle school romance--they even went to the 8th grade dance together and held hands and had their first kiss under the bleachers. Sounds cute enough, but according to Sidney he was a total weirdo. Even by 8th grade boy standards. “He wasn’t.” 

Sidney laughs again, the movement has her arm bumping into mine. “He tried to eat a live lizard because Stu dared him.” 

“No way.” I snort. “Your first kiss was with a lizard eater?” 

Tate sighs, dropping her head against the side of the mattress and crossing her legs on the floor. “Tried. It ran away and no one ever found it.” That’s still objectively hilarious. I can’t picture Tatum with anyone that out there, but then again, she is with Stu. 

Not that he reminds me of an 8th grade boy trying to eat a lizard, but he was the one that came up with the idea. “Maybe Stu ate it.” 

Tatum glares, halfheartedly shoving my leg as Sidney clasps a hand over her mouth to avoid laughing too hard. “I’ll ask him.” 

It’s strange to picture them like that. A little younger, growing up together. “So you guys knew each other back then and now...” 

She shrugs, “I don’t know...it just kind of happened. He was always hooking up with or seeing any girl with a pulse and I didn’t even see him like that until after--” She cuts herself off with no warning. “You know Sidney and Billy have a way nicer getting together story.” Tate snaps her head up to look at Sidney, whose expression immediately shifts. “Right, Sid?” 

Sidney’s eyes briefly meet mine. There’s a bit of uneasiness there that I don’t get. What could the end of Tatum’s thought have been? What could she have been about to say that might have been--oh. 

“Yeah,” she agrees, “Billy and I were hanging out for weeks--” 

“You can say her name.” My throat feels drier than it did a second ago. “I won’t freak out if you mention Casey. Promise.” 

Tatum’s eyes briefly shut. “That’s--” She doesn’t know how to finish the sentence. I’m right. Why wouldn’t she think I’d freak out? After the way I acted at that party. “No one would blame you if you did.” 

It’s easy to say that it doesn’t matter when you’re not the one that has melt downs. “Yeah.” 

There’s a brief stretch of awkward silence, the light mood now tainted by the exact thing that’s kept me away from my friends for so long. Maybe keeping to myself was about more than the safety of others--maybe I don’t want anyone to know what I’m like now. 

“It’d be weirder if you weren’t a little messed up about it.” Tatum hums the words with such casualness I can’t help but laugh, even when Sidney snaps her head to the side to give her a seriously look. “I’m serious, only a total psycho would be able to see that and jump back into things.” 

Sidney sits up a little more, “And you took the SAT a week after it all happened. You’re doing a lot better than most people would be doing.” 

I nod, glad that they’re at least good at pretending that I’m not a total mess. “Yeah, guess I’m just sensitive about it because I freaked out on Noel at that party.” Ugh. That’s been something I’ve been trying really hard to forget. “He probably thinks I’m a total freak.” My eyes squeeze shut at the memory of the party. I had been a total mess. I flip flopped on murder accusations like it was nothing and nearly ran to Casey’s house in the middle of the night. “He’s probably told everyone I’m a total freak.” 

“You don’t know that.” Sidney’s nice for trying to comfort me, but it’s not the best argument. She picks up on my expression because she then immediately tacks on, “Okay, let’s be logical--why would he do that?” 

“Why wouldn’t he after the way I acted?” Ugh. Every guy that knows him is going to think I’m a complete weirdo. This is what I get for trying to date. “And it’s not like he called after. He hasn’t even talked to me in class since.” 

Sidney’s eyebrows draw together briefly before her hands move off of her lap and land on her comforter. She pushes herself to stand. “That’s not necessarily a bad thing.” 

“Noel’s a total scrub. You’re better off.” Tatum stands too, scratching the back of her arm once. She approaches the bag she abandoned near Sidney’s door, “I brought that eyeshadow I was telling you about. The sparkly, blue one that makes everyone look like Baby Spice.” 

She exhales what’s almost a laugh and I find myself not being able to answer. That does sound like something I’d normally happily go along with. Even though Tatum tends to go for a more subtle look on the day to day, she has a solid makeup collection. Lots of trendy shimmers and bright colors that are fun to swatch and mess around with. But there’s something about the way she said it...breezed away from one topic to this.

And the way Sidney just got up like she was hoping that’d change something. I sit up a little straighter, trying to remember what it’s like to not feel paranoid all the time.

Sidney stops adjusting her hair and messing with her bangs in the mirror. “Or we could hold off on that and go to the video store.” Another change to a topic that normally I’d be all over. “I think Randy’s working, we could bug him a little and get something to watch later.” 

Okay, another thing I’d normally want to do. It has been a minute since I’ve gotten to annoy Randy, and the itch is definitely there. Maybe they’re just trying to be good friends and cheer me up, but they’re spitting out suggestions in a way that feels like they’re really hoping one will stick.

 “Are--do you guys know something about something?” Ugh. If this is my paranoia acting up, I’ll never recover. Why can’t I just go along with things? “I don’t know if it’s me and my head, but you’re acting kinda weird.” 

“No, we’re just--” Sidney’s eyes don’t stay on me, they shift over to Tatum for the briefest second. I blink and almost convince myself I’ve imagined it. “You’re not crazy, we just don’t want to stress you out.” 

I push myself onto my feet. “That is the worst thing you can say to someone you don’t want to stress out.”

Sidney’s eyebrows draw together like she’s worried. I almost feel bad for pushing. “Noel not talking to you isn’t an accident or your fault.” 

“Sid.” I snap my head in Tatum’s direction. She hesitates beneath my stare and gives in with a sigh, “Okay, Noel’s a player who brags about crushing girls’ virginities and breaking up with them the next day. He talks about every girl he’s dated like they’re some kind of car and there are even worse things written about him in the handicap stall of the second floor bathroom.” Tatum pauses, considering how she’s going to word what actually happened. “You’re going through a lot right now and that’s the last thing you need, and we were worried about you, so we talked to Stu and Billy and basically...got Noel to back off.” 

Oh my god. The embarrassment, anger, and shock are all fighting for dominance in my mind, but none of them overpower the other so the feeling is just really fucking bad. All I can picture is Billy and Stu talking to Noel like I’m some little kid or someone with brain damage that can’t make their own choices. 

“You guys suck!” I wipe at my face with the back of my hand, exhaustion cutting into my irritation. “Like really suck. I’m not some child that can’t make her own decisions.” Ugh--I can’t even decide how to react. “It’s not like I was going to marry him or anything.” 

Tatum watches me with a certain level of uncertainty. I don’t think I’ve ever snapped at her or Sidney before. “You’re not exactly a casual dater.” 

“Well--I-I could have been.” It feels awkward, almost reluctant, and I hate myself for it. She’s technically right. I’ve never casually dated, but I’ve never seriously dated either, so it probably wouldn’t kill me. “Either way, it might have been a mistake, but it was my mistake to make.”

“I know, Y/n,” Sidney breathes the words slowly, “We didn’t mean anything by it, it wasn’t like a whole scheme or anything it just--” She’s trying, really trying. “We wanted to help you.” 

I didn’t need help, I was fine. The genuine hint of worry in her tone keeps me from pointing that out. I just stare at her and then at Tatum. Why does it matter anyways? Everyone gets to be normal and do dumb things and have people they’re close with and relationships and all I have is the stupid ‘almost murdered’ label. 

“Why does it matter enough for you to--” I cut myself off, not sure what I’m really asking or what I mean. 

Tatum lets out a small sigh, the sound almost reluctant, maybe a tiny bit annoyed that she even has to talk about this. “Because you’re our friend,” she half shrugs like what she’s saying should have been assumed , “And we love you.” She presses her lips together briefly, “Duh.” 

Sidney throws a look in Tatum’s direction, “Yeah, we love you so much we were willing to risk you being super mad at us because we were worried.” Sidney pauses to take a breath. “We shouldn’t have done it behind your back, and in the future we won’t meddle.”

When I don’t ease, Tatum tacts on, “If it makes things any better, Stu’s normally a total guy’s guy about this kind of thing and even he thinks Noel’s a total creep.” She scratches the back of her wrist, “And those two never care about this stuff, so, boohoo, we all love you.” 

Okay, that doesn’t exactly fix things but it does take the edge off just a tiny bit. They all go way back, and that’s intimidating. And Tatum’s trying to be funny about it, layering on the sarcasm so that I’ll laugh. I hate that it’s almost working. “Well, as long as it’s just everyone being obsessed with me...” The joke feels like a bit of a betrayal, so I tact on something else, “I’m still mad, though.” That feels even weaker. I’m too in my head about all of it and still pretty embarrassed despite the fact that I didn’t do anything. It won’t last forever, but right now, it’s all feeling like too much. The safety of my bedroom feels miles away instead of the few blocks it actually is. “I think I-I’m gonna...” 

“No,” Tatum huffs, “It wasn’t supposed to be a thing.” She tilts her head to the side, silky blonde hair bouncing with the motion. “We haven’t seen you in forever and it was more Stu and Billy’s thing, they’ve been ready to start a thing with him since like the 9th grade.” 

More Stu and Billy’s thing? That almost makes sense for Billy, who Noel casually suggested could be a murderer. But Stu? Noel seemed to like him well enough. Maybe it’s a loyalty thing. I can see Billy and Stu having a bit of package deal friendship. You can’t hate on one without becoming enemy of the other. And with how generally protective Stu seems to be over his friends, it’d make sense. 

But still. I am not a bargaining chip or an excuse or someone that needs their approval on who I do or don’t date.

“Let’s do whatever you want to do and then if you’re still mad, we can invite them over and you can yell at them.” 

Tatum almost smiles, “You’re good at that.” 

That...feels a little weird. “I’m good at yelling?” 

“No, it’s like when you told off that reporter. One minute, you’re normal, but then, when you need to be--bam! You’re super bitch.” 

I laugh, this time it’s genuine. “Super bitch strikes again.” The exit is still close, and some nervous part of me wants to cling to the out. I’m not sure if it’s out of some form of fear or genuine anger or both. But I do want to stay around them a little longer and go take way too long renting a video just to annoy Randy. “If I get to pick what we do, I say we go bother Randy and get a movie. He’s had it easy for too long.” 

Sid half scoffs at my ominous tone. “How do you know?” 

"Knowing whether or not Randy needs to be annoyed is my superpower.” 

----

The video rental is surprisingly empty for early Thursday evening. Schools are out and it’s close enough to the weekend where normally there are more people stopping by to check out what they want to watch in advance. Today doesn’t reflect that. Good to know that my Randy distress radar is still in tact. 

There’s an older man adjusting the latest release aisle, changing out movies. He’s the only employee that I see as I scan over the store and a part of me nearly deflates. Sidney did say she thought Randy would be working and I have no way of knowing. Our friendship has also been a victim to my recent hermit ways, and it’s likely suffered more than my connection with anyone else. At least my other friends are in a couple of my classes or need to walk down the same hallways. Most of Randy’s classes aren’t near mine and we only share a study hall, which he often uses as an excuse to leave early in order to get to work. Meaning that most days I only see him during lunch. 

The door to the back swings open and behind a cart of VHS tapes, there’s a familiar face. Randy. I find myself smiling as I approach the counter he’s coming up from behind. 

“Excuse me,” he glances up, a bit of surprise causing him to raise his eyebrows, “I was wondering if you have a copy of Child’s Play 2, but not the original, the extended cut with the alternate ending, Sorority House Massacre, uncut, duh, and/or Fox’s original version of Clueless.” 

Randy blinks, unfazed by my bullshit. “I’ve been around you too long to fall for that last one.” 

I almost laugh. I can’t believe Randy remembers my rant about the developmental nightmare that was the original Clueless pitch. Fox wanted a TV show, but they got a movie instead, and that took way too long for no reason. I had talked about it a lot longer than I meant to the other day at school. “You caught it.” 

“Decoys are always more obvious than they seem to the person making them.” It feels like some kind of movie rule reference, vague enough for me to get how it applies but not so random I feel the need to ask. “So are you here to rent something or make my job harder?” 

“A little of both.” Turning my head, I gesture to where Sidney and Tatum are. They’re in the same aisle, backs to each other as they scan through options. “We wanted something to watch and Sidney said she thought you’d be working today.” I tap my nails against the counter. “And I had this feeling that things have probably been too easy for you.”

Randy’s lips turn upwards but it feels a little different than a smile. “Yeah, nothing but peace since you...” 

“Became a total paranoid PTSD recluse?” 

He half shrugs, “Jack Torrence.” I roll my eyes, a little relieved that Randy’s joking about it instead of pressing. It’s part of the reason he’s a good friend to have. “You’re feeling better, though, right?” 

Spoke a little too soon, but that’s an okay question. It’s not invasive, it’s just an offer. “Getting there.” 

Randy nods, taking in the answer for what feels like a little too long for two words. Maybe he’s feeling the honesty of what does seem like a cop out answer. I’m not over it by any means, but feeling better is a process that’s starting to work. “That’s good.” He pushes the cart slightly before pulling back to place. “You’re good.” Randy lets out a breath, tugging and pushing the cart again. “I mean--deserve to feel good and normal.” 

I grin at the stumble in words. It’s rare that we’re openly nice to each other instead of acting like little kids after one pulls the other’s hair. “I get what you mean.” 

His lips part, but no words come out. Randy’s eyebrows draw together as his mouth shuts. What is--a firm touch on my shoulder snaps the question out of me. My head turns and some kind of comment about being rude to people in line rises and immediately falls back down. Stu! And then I remember my earlier conversation and it feels a lot more like: Oh. Stu. 

It’s such an instant flip that for a second I don’t react. Stu pulls his arm around me in a quick attempt at a side hug, but I’m so stiff it’s more like being shoved into him. “Look who’s here.” 

Bumping into him is by no means new to me. Small town, same friends, some overlap in hobbies. But this time it’s different. I promised myself that Stu and Billy would get scolded for meddling as soon as possible, but I didn’t expect run into him in public. It’s like being a parent with a child that’s misbehaving in church. You can’t do anything but redirect until you get to the car. 

Stu drops his arm back to his side. “Thought you were doing something with Tatum and Sid?” 

“They’re over there,” I gesture vaguely with a tilt of my head, trying to seem casual. I might not be willing to get into the whole Noel thing in front of Randy and the suburban mom trying to settle a dispute between two kids who can’t decide which movie to get, but Stu probably is. “I wouldn’t look too closely, girls’ night movies might make you sick.” 

Stu misses by just a second. He does wrinkle his nose in a display of the kind of good humor I’d expect from him, but it doesn’t feel as natural. There’s nothing wrong about his reaction, it just feels lacking. Missing his usual brand of energy. “I have no issue with girls’ night movies.” 

Clearly, I’ve been spending too much time with him because I get the joke instantly. Now it’s my turn to cringe. “Why do I even talk to you?” 

“Because, buggsie, your life would be so boring without me.” The nickname does make my expression warp, but this time it’s more like trying to keep in a laugh than anything else. “If your only movie influence was Randy, you’d be a lot less likable.” 

Randy sighs. “Keep telling yourself that.”

The words are just a little too sharp. They’re good enough friends in some senses. Not two I’d guess hang alone together, but I like to think at the end of the day they like co-existing. That doesn’t mean they don’t bicker from time to time in a way that feels different than when Randy and I fight like little kids or Stu and I fight like an old married couple too lazy to get divorced. 

“No need to be bitter, dude,” Stu’s hand is back around my shoulder, “I gave you a whole five minutes.” That was a weird thing to say. Random, and not in a fun sort of way, but before I can ask, Stu’s pulling me forward. “You want to help me sneak up on Tay?” 

I throw Randy a look that hopefully communicates my level of confusion and some sort of see you later. “Uh...” Stu’s already turning like I’ve answered, “Sure?” 

When we’re finally closer to the shelves than the counter, Stu lets me go, his hand sliding down my arm a little before retracting. “So you go up to Tatum, talk to her, keep her distracted, and I’ll sneak up behind her.”

“Yeah, yeah, okay.” He’s moving along so quickly and casually, but I’m still fixed on that last comment to Randy. It wasn’t banter-y and Randy didn’t say anything back, which feels a little weird. “That last thing you said, the five minute thing?”

Stu barely pauses, head tilting in a way that feels confused. “Oh. Gave him five minutes to make a move, but you know Randy, not a closer.”

It’s said casually enough that I could think Stu’s being serious, but there’s also a hum of sarcasm in there. And what he’s saying does feel too unrealistic to not be a joke. Randy and I are completely platonic, there’s no way he sees me like that. Plus, I’d like to think that if a guy I’m around that regularly liked me in any sort of way, I’d have at least somewhat picked up on it. 

“Shut up,” I shove Stu’s arm, “You’re not funny.”

He holds his hands up in defense briefly. “Don’t shoot the messenger.” 

It’s said casual enough that I’m finally given a second to think. The nagging voice at the back of my head is finally given the opportunity to remind me that I’m supposed to be mad at him. Or, at the very least, irritated until I can tell him off for trying to make decisions for me behind my back. 

“Interesting that you mention shooting you, be--” 

“Ouch,” Stu hums, a little too pointedly, “Thought we were all good, angel.” I press my lips together, staring at the ground to avoid giving him anything to latch onto. “I’ve been on best behavior. Minding my business, just here to check something out.”

I stop, a motion I think is subtle enough but Stu picks up on it immediately. He turns and grabs my wrist. The contact is sudden enough to force me to look up. Stu’s watching me, his expression seems innocent, and not in that pretend way either. There’s a hint of confusion behind his eyes. I’m not sure I entirely believe it, but I think it’s possible that what I’m mad about isn’t coming to mind. He has no reason to think I’d know about it. 

His hold is firm and oddly warm and bordering on distracting. 

“Stu,” Tatum’s cheery voice snaps the two of us out of our stand off.

He pulls away quickly, eyes falling on Tatum. “There’s my girl.” Stu pulls her into a hug and gives her a quick kiss. “Y/n was going to help me sneak up and surprise you, but she’s in a mood.” 

Ugh. Stu has a way of dismissing any type of reaction that doesn’t work for him as me being in a mood or pouting. “I am not in a mood.” 

“Give her a break.” Stu’s hands are still on her. “Y/n found out about the Noel thing.”My gaze instinctually shifts back to Stu. His easygoing grin falters. Tatum smiles at him with a coy look that I guess could be interpreted as some kind of apology. “Don’t get moody, she pulled it out of us.” 

It takes him a second, but Stu eventually eases off of her. He doesn’t look as content as before, but his expression hints at nothing else besides casual annoyance. “She can’t be too mad if she’s still hanging around you and Sid.” 

“I got to tell them both off already.” 

Stu turns, something smug tugging his face into an almost smile. It’s infuriating. “If that’s what you’re into, babe.” 

Tatum scoffs and halfheartedly smacks his shoulders. “You’ve been around long enough that I don’t have to apologize for him anymore, right?”

“Right.” 

Stu lets out a breath, “Geez, you two sure act like you love me.” 

I am so not in the mood to say anything nice about Stu in front of him. “Maybe if you minded your business a little more--” 

“Okay,” Tatum pushes herself into the budding argument and looks at me. “Save your energy for when there’s two of them.” Good point. If I yelled at Stu and Billy separately every time they messed up, I’d be yelling constantly. Tatum’s attention shifts back to Stu, “Is he around? Sid’s around the corner.” 

Stu shakes his head once. “Nah, it’s still early and he only said he might call. He’s been a little out of it.” 

Billy’s out of it? And out of it enough to not be around Stu for once? It’s not like they’re literally attached at the hip but a weekend evening where both me and their girlfriends are busy and they’re not hanging out together? That in itself hints at something being wrong. 

I think through the last I heard from Billy, but nothing particularly stands out. He might have briefly mentioned his dad but not in a concerning way. Not in a way that indicated he’d have to spend extra time with him or anything.

Billy has also been weirdly absent. No recent warning-less appearances at my window. Has he been going through something and I’m just too caught up in my personal issues to notice? God, this serial killer nonsense has turned me into a terrible friend. 

“He okay?” 

Stu’s eyes flit up to meet mine. “You might want to hold off on the scolding, but last time I checked in, yeah. Just all angsty, you know how Billy gets.” 

I blink. Last time he checked in. Maybe I’m idealizing their friendship too much, but I’ve always felt like they were looking out for each other. Closer than Stu’s current reaction warrants. Or maybe I’m overthinking things and Billy’s just taking some time. He doesn’t seem the type to want to talk about fuzzy things like feelings. 

“We were going to ask you guys to come over, but if he’s not up for it, that’s okay,” Tatum says, “You can still come by later, but I think you should check in on him.” 

Now I’m starting to feel antsy. Like I should go check in on Billy, but I don’t even know what that’d look like. The realization that I’ve never been to Billy’s house hits hard and with no warning. Whenever we all hang out, it’s at my place or someone else’s, and when it’s the three of us we go to Stu’s and sometimes my house. The thought rubs me the wrong way, like this one thing is pulling on the threads of our friendship. 

He’s one of my best friends and I can’t even say I know what his room looks like. 

“I’ll probably stop by soon.” 

That makes me frown. Probably. Soon. 

“Oh, that reminds me.” Tatum’s voice snaps me out of my thoughts. “Dewey wanted me to give you a head’s up that he’ll be trying to meet with you soon. He wants to go over some....stuff.” 

Ugh, this again. I can’t escape it. “Yeah. He has my number, Dewey can call whenever, but the warning was nice.” 

Stu shifts back like he doesn’t quite believe what he’s hearing. “He wants to talk to her again?” He’s more offended than I am. “What? It’s not like anything’s changed.” 

Tatum shrugs, “I don’t know. Dewey doesn’t give me the details.” 

“Unless they have new evidence, they shouldn’t be dragging her back into it just because they don’t know shit.”

I should tell him to drop it. That this is my business and maybe it’s time we establish some firmer boundaries, but I can’t get the words to form. The whole thing feels hypocritical. I should be annoyed, but I’m not because he’s saying what I can’t. 

It’s brief, but for a second it almost feels like Stu might be the closest to someone that gets what it feels like. The irony is insane, considering that there’s no way that empathy’s his strong suit. 

“I don’t know. It’s not my thing.” 

Tatum is understandably a little defensive, which is fair. Especially when considering our earlier conversation. This isn’t fair to her. “It’s okay.” The words feel like a flat cop out compared to Stu’s instinctual defense. “It’s not Tatum’s fault and Dewey was really nice about it last time--” 

“Last time? You mean when they ambushed you at the hospital before they let you take visitors?” 

My stomach knots at that. The feeling of waking up there, confused and unaware of what I’d just been through and then being made to feel like I was completely alone while Billy and Stu were waiting outside for me. “That’s not his fault.” A dry defense. “It sucks, but it’s for the greater good and it won’t take long.” I’m not sure if I’m trying to convince myself or him. “It’s okay.” 

Stu half sighs. “I’m going to grab my movie and head out, maybe stop by Billy’s.” He tuns to give Tatum a brief goodbye kiss to the top of her head. “I’ll see you soon, Y/n. Make sure you get to yell at me before it builds too much.” 

At that, I roll my eyes but still wave him off. 

---- 

My eyes are on the phone again, staring down the extension on my nightstand like it’s keeping things from me. 

Ugh. This is ridiculous. I snap my attention back to the homework in front of me. Some extra credit for my math class. It’s an attempt at damage control because the test I had to take the morning after being attacked by a serial killer is seriously bringing down my GPA. Too bad calc has never been my strong suit. The distraction that is my inability to move on from what Stu said is definitely not helping. 

Even after Sidney, Tatum, and I left the video store, I couldn’t stop thinking about it. Stu’s uncertainty and what Billy could be going through. Maybe Stu was playing down how much he knows because Billy didn’t want anyone else knowing. I could see that. Hope for that since the thought of Billy locking himself in his room and dealing with whatever it is completely alone tugs at my heart.  

I could call. He might not answer, but that’s okay. It might make me feel better to just do something and it’s not like I’ve never called him. There’s also the more extreme option of showing up to his place. I’ve never been to his house,  but he’s pointed it out before. Even though I physically could get there, that feels like too much. If I’ve never been over, it’s probably for a reason.

There’s also Stu. I could call him to ask about Billy. He’s more likely to tell me about how Billy’s doing than Billy. But that also feels weird for no reason. Again, it’s not like I never call them. 

I glance over at the digital clock on my desk. 7:56. Okay--it’s not too late. Not weirdly late. 

I stand before I can think about it too much, walking over to the phone. If it’s going to be distracting, I should just get it over with. Maybe having some kind of answer will make it easier to focus on things.

The phone rings about three times before there’s an answer. “Yeah?” 

“Hey.” Okay, that one word feels super awkward for no reason. “Hi--it’s um--” Be more normal. It’s just Stu. “It’s Y/n.” 

A quick breath that feels more like a laugh than it sounds. “Yeah, I figured that out.” Great, now he’s making fun of me. “I also know why you’re calling.” 

“Really?” 

I can feel his amusement over the phone. “You can’t stop thinking about me and want me to come over.”

I snort as soon as the words wash over me. What was I expecting? “You figured it out. This is a booty call.” 

Stu sort of laughs. “Yeah? I can be over in five.”

Pressing my hand over my mouth to keep from laughing, I sit up a little more. “Loser.” I reach over for a pillow and pull it on to my lap. “Okay, so actual reason, I was trying to do something for calc, so obviously my mind was wandering and thinking about literally anything else.” 

“Obviously.” 

My fingers brush the fluff of the pillow’s exterior. I brush the strands flat and then back into little spikes of hair. “And at some point, I started thinking about what you said at the video store. About Billy.”

There’s a brief silence, and then another one of Stu’s breathy-accidental-laughs. “Aw, you’re worried.” Ugh. “That’s cute, angel, I’ll make sure to tell him.”

“Don’t.”

“Don’t be a spoilsport.” 

My nose wrinkles at that, nails smothering my pillow’s layer of fluff. “Is he okay or not?” 

For a second, the only thing coming from the other side of the phone is the general static of someone’s movement. “Bossy.” I roll my eyes, but before I can tell him to spare me tonight, Stu continues, “Why didn’t you just call Billy?” 

It’s a fair question, which only bugs me more. “Because there’s no way to call someone and ask if they’re okay based on a passing comment without sounding insane.” 

I pinch the thin hairs of my pillows between my thumb and index finger. “And it’s less insane this way?”

Feels like it. “Kinda, yeah.” 

“Don’t worry your pretty head about it. Billy’s fine, he’ll be back to his usual levels of brooding soon. Promise.” I don’t know what to make of that, so I just focus on my pillow. “It might help if you called him tomorrow. Let him sleep it off for a little longer.”

That’s probably a good suggestion. “Yeah, I’ll do that.” My eyes drift back to the still open textbook on my desk. My mom is out with Wells so I can’t even use her as an excuse to not be doing this right now. I briefly bite my tongue to give myself a second to think through what I’m considering. “You um--are you doing anything right now?” Even more awkward. Great. “I could really use an excuse to not work on calc right now.” 

“Now it’s a booty call.” 

Being friends with him is so annoying sometimes. “I hate you.”

“Ouch,” a brief shuffling before he speaks again, “You know I love distracting you--” I roll my eyes. “But tonight’s--” 

“Shit, is Tatum over or something?” A hand flies over my mouth. Of course I’d call at a time where he had someone over and be a total mess. “I’m sorry.” 

Some more static before a response, “No, it’s--” He sighs once. “Billy’s here and he’s--” Oh. My embarrassment is definitely doubling, but there’s still some relief there. At least he’s not alone. “Maybe you should come over, help cheer him up.”

“You’re kind of an asshole for not mentioning that earlier.” I push the throw pillow off my lap and let my back fall onto my cocoon of larger pillows. “And it’s fine, I wouldn’t want to overwhelm him or anything.” 

“No,” Stu’s answer is quick but feels a little flat. Almost worried. “You--I think it’d be good for him to see you.” There’s still a bit of hesitance there, like Stu’s not telling me the full story. Maybe he can’t. “We rented a few movies and I think I might still have those sour gummy things you like.” 

I really do love sour gummies. “Is Billy okay with it?” 

“It’s my house, bug.” When I don’t say anything, Stu sighs, “Kidding. C’mon, he loves you.” I don’t know why I’m debating so much, it was my idea, but now it feels a little intrusive of me. “And we’re a lot more fun than calculus.” 

“Not a high bar you’re setting there.” Stu pointedly scoffs. “Okay--if you’re sure Billy’s okay with it, I’ll be over in a few.”

“Need to go ask your mommy?” 

I’m already pushing myself to my feet. “Shut up.” An ‘at least I have a parent that gives a shit’ nearly slips out and I just barely manage to bite my tongue. That’d be like reacting to a playful shove with a punch to the face. Besides, my mom’s not a factor right now. She and Wells are out to dinner with some friends. She left me with a 20 to order pizza and maybe rent a movie. “I can still not go.” 

Stu chooses to ignore the (empty) threat, “See you soon, babe.” 

I push open the door of my closet and search through it as quickly as possible. It’s not like I need to get dressed up to go to Stu’s, but my stained pajama pants from the ninth grade and practically threadbare tank top aren’t things I wear out of the house. Especially now that fall is making evenings a lot chillier. “I don’t get our friendship.”

“I keep you supplied with those awful sour gummies.”

I smile despite myself, grabbing something out of my closet. “That explains it.” Bending down, I pick up another article of clothing. “See you soon.” 

----

“There she is.”

Stu pulls me into a hug before I can think to react. He’s always so warm and everywhere. I think it has to do with his smell. It sounds weird but he’s so consistent about it. Enough expensive laundry detergent to drown out most of the usual teen boy body spray musk to a level that’s tolerable and sharpens the slight hint of weed that seems to cling to him. Even that is balanced. Subtle unless you know to think about it. But now it’s a little more overwhelming than usual...fresher. 

Like he just finished a joint. I stare at him for a second and while his eyes seem mostly normal, there’s a bit of a red tinge there. If it wasn’t for the smell of weed, I wouldn’t have noticed. “Are you high?” 

The corner of Stu’s mouth pulls up into an almost smile. He’s amused. “That’s a fun way to greet me.” I give him a pointed look. “Mmm...maybe a little.” Stu extends an arm, halfheartedly punching me in the shoulder. Instead of dropping his arm like usual, Stu relaxes his fist in order to squeeze the top of my arm. “What gave me away, angel?”

“With you, it’s always a safe guess.” He sort of frowns, but it doesn’t quite reach his eyes. “Kidding. You smell like a dispensary.” 

Stu squeezes my arm a little harder. “Judgy.” He tilts his head slightly. “And here I was going to offer you some.” 

“No one likes me when I’m high.” That’s true enough. I get all paranoid and clingy. Randy won’t even smoke around me if we’re alone just in case. 

He half scoffs. “Nah, that’s just for people that don’t know how to handle you.” 

Handle me? I’m about to give him some sarcastic answer, but when my eyes meet his, the reaction freezes over. He’s staring at me with a concentration that feels more prominent than his hand on my arm. I don’t know why, but I feel the need the redirect and break the silence. “Where’s Billy?” 

“In my room.” Stu swings a hand around my shoulder and starts guiding me forward. “C’mon, he’ll be happy to see you.” 

I should shrug Stu off of me, but it feels easier to just let him. Besides, there are other things to worry about. From the vagueness Stu’s been handling mentions of Billy with, I half expect him to be in a straight jacket or something. “He--he does know I’m here, right?” 

The only answer I get is Stu placing a hand on his bedroom door once we reach it. He releases me to push open it open. “Hey, feeling any better?” Billy doesn’t get a chance to reply before Stu continues, “Because I brought you a present.” 

Weird...and kind of objectifying, but in a weird way. It’s not so much the words, but the way he’s saying them. This is definitely an ambush. Stu pushes the door open all the way before I can really react. I still make a point of smacking his arm. “Don’t make it weird.” 

I turn my head towards Stu’s room. Billy is in there, sitting with his back against the headboard and he’s looking at me but there’s little recognition. It’s more like he’s seeing through me. I want to assume it’s part of some kind of side effect of being high, but I can’t quite get myself to dismiss it as something so casual.

Any fight directed at Stu evaporates into the air and morphs into this weird veil of tension. Not good or bad. Just heavy and full, bleeding through the room and into the hall where I’m still standing. 

“Hi,” it feels like an attempt at cutting through the harshness, “I heard you were feeling bad so I thought I’d come back and make you feel worse.” 

Billy’s eyebrows draw together slightly, like he’s considering how to react. He settles on a, “Yeah?” It feels smaller than the way he usually is. 

I swallow my instinctual reaction. “Yeah--things aren’t looking too good in Iraq and everyone’s getting too comfortable with nuclear bombs.” 

The corner of his mouth turns up into an almost smile. It’s not quite there, but the thawing of the icy layer behind his gaze is cracking. “Anything else?”

“I still think the Princess Diana divorce is kind of a bummer.” 

Stu sighs dramatically. “Of course you’re on her side.” 

“There is no other side, Charles is the worst.” 

Stu walks fully into his room and practically flops onto his bed. His head hits Billy’s calf and Billy throws him a dirty look before adjusting. “Charles is next in line for the throne. That entitles him to all the girls he wants. That’s just history.”

I wrinkle my nose and halfheartedly glare at him. “He’s also probably inbred.”

Billy sits up a little further, reaching for what I’m assuming is a joint. “Definitely inbred.”

The small vouch of support is strangely easing.

Stu tilts his head to look at me briefly. “You two deserve each other.”

“Don’t pout.” Maybe not my smartest joke, but it’s too easy to pass up on. 

He props his head up just to glare at me. “I can still kick you out.”

I roll my eyes and Billy wordlessly extends what he’s been smoking. Stu reaches for it absentmindedly and Billy moves his arm away. “You need to slow down.” 

Stu doesn’t protest, which has to be a byproduct of his easy high. I’m so distracted by that it takes a second for it to click. If Billy isn’t handing off the joint to Stu, he’s trying to give it to me...the person who’s going to be around their mom and a cop before the night’s over. 

“Can’t tonight.” I’m so going to get bullied for this, “My mom would know immediately, and then she’d kill all three of us.” 

Billy sits up a little more, not fully taking his hand back but relaxing it a little. Stu drops his head back down, accidentally landing on Billy’s leg. I suppress a laugh when Billy lazily shrugs Stu off. It doesn’t work, because Stu still glares at me as he curls into himself slightly. “You could stay over, sleep it off.”

Maybe Stu’s more high than I thought. I take a step forward, feeling awkward about the distance. “I don’t see how that helps the my mom killing us all thing.” 

“You could call her from my home phone, tell her you’re staying over at Sidney’s or Tay’s.” Stu doesn’t wait for my response before stretching out an arm in my direction. “Come here.” 

It feels a little bit like a trap, but at the same time, standing this close to the door is probably weirder than anything Stu’s going to try. I walk forward and sit down on the edge of his bed. Stu smiles lazily and adjusts so that his legs are on my lap. They’re long. He’s basically an arachnid. 

With Stu, a firm approach is usually best, but this seems harmless enough so I don’t kick him off of me. “You’re like a spider.”

He laugh-scoffs, stretching even further. “Like a daddy long legs.”

There’s a weird attempt at sultriness in his words. It’s so stupid I can’t hep the terrible laugh that comes out. “Shut up. You’re so gross.” Now I do want him off of me. He won’t move so I try dragging myself back a little. All that does is make me bump into Billy’s arm. “Sorry.” 

Dismissing my apologetic look with a short wave of the hand still holding the joint, Billy sits up even more, angling himself towards me. “You should be.” It’s sarcastic, but still oddly flat, like Billy’s putting work into being a part of the conversation.

Stu, clearly feeling forgotten, softly kicks his leg. “Your sobriety’s bringing old Billy Boy back down.” 

I lean back, ignoring the way my fingers brush against Billy’s. “I promise me being high would only depress him more.” 

“I like you high,” Billy muses flatly, “You get all jumpy.” 

I roll my eyes, trying to straighten to pull my hand back but Billy doesn’t let me get that far. His hand turns over and pulls his fingers between my own. It’s a casual enough attempt to pull me back into place, but his eyes are so quick to meet mine. There’s something almost nervous about the shift, and vaguely familiar. An uncertain, begrudging request for reassurance I’ve come to associate with people going through some sort of depressive episode. 

“That was one time,” I mumble, “And it was because you guys are assholes and didn’t tell me that it was extra strong.” 

Stu’s leg moves again, “It wasn’t extra strong, we just didn’t pace you.” 

“Either way--assholes.” 

Billy moves his thumb along my knuckles. “We’ll be nice this time.” He takes a deliberate hit and exhales the smoke in a way that lingers. I can feel the smell of it, a paranoid part of me thinking it’s already caught up in my hair and clothes and skin. Like my mom will just be able to tell already. Maybe it is already too late. 

And it’d upset her. She’s already worried enough about how I’m handling all the killer stuff, if she thinks I’m acting out and smoking she’ll probably freak. This also wouldn’t be the first time I did something like this and didn’t tell her...or the first time I stayed over at a friend’s house to sleep something off. 

It’s also objectively nice to be around them. Also, Billy’s whole slightly off thing is something I’ve definitely seen before. The familiarity finally clicks into place, a few memories of my mother from when I was younger. Bad ones, days in which things slipped through the cracks before my mom was diagnosed and started managing that part of herself.

“Even if you don’t smoke, you should call your mom...stay over.” Billy gets the words out stiffly, like some invisible force was trying to shove them back down his throat. “Keep me from being alone with that one.”

Stu lets out a sound that’s sounds a lot like a tired “fuck off”. The casual disapproval makes me smile.

Billy takes another, much shorter hit. I let myself observe the process. The way the smoke goes in, how he holds it in, and finally the way he forces it out. Billy wordlessly turns the joint around in a silent offering. I give in with an exhale and reach over. Billy doesn’t let me get that far, moving so that his fingers are almost to my mouth. I part my lips and let him hold the joint there as I inhale. He doesn’t give me long before taking it back. He runs his thumb along my knuckles. “Hold.” I struggle, but follow through. “Good. Now breathe.” 

I let it out with a slight cough.

“There ya go,” Stu mumbles, patiently dragging his leg up my thigh. “You’ll feel better.” I wish I had more experience with smoking outside of them. If I did, I’d have a reference point to tell me if Stu’s weed is actually extra strong or not. I’m sure what he gets is considered good shit, since he definitely has the money and tolerance. “You should call your mom before you get all giggly.” 

I openly frown. “I do not get ‘giggly’.” 

“Yeah, you do.” 

I’m not in an argumentative mood. Maybe it’s the atmosphere or the weed is already starting to cloud my judgement. I should call my mom, though. It hasn’t been that long since I left, which means she’s probably still out with Wells. It’ll be easier to just leave a message on the machine. She always checks when she gets home. 

Ever since the first incident, my mom keeps a cell phone on her that’s always on, but it’s still weird to both of us. I don’t have the number fully memorized yet, it’s written on a note held to the fridge by a magnet back home...a few blocks away. The cell phone isn’t exclusively emergency, but my mom doesn’t love portable technology. She thinks they’re tacky and breed rudeness.

I tap Stu’s leg, “Up.” 

Surprisingly enough, Stu listens, letting me go. I let go of Billy’s hand and reach for the extension on Stu’s nightstand. I quickly dial my number and leave a flat message. Staying over at Sid’s, have fun but not too much fun, love you and see you tomorrow. 

In a moment of straight forward association, I almost went with telling my mom I was staying at Tatum’s, but I have to talk to Dewey soon and my mom will probably be there and that felt like a potential loose end. 

Stu half snorts, “Love you and see you tomorrow, mom.” 

I shove Stu’s shoulder. “Shut up.” 

“Have fun but not too much fun,” Billy mumbles, a lot more subdued but just as teasing. 

Rolling my eyes, I move back to the edge of the bed where I was sitting before. “It’s an inside joke.” 

Stu leans forward and pinches my cheek. “That’s adorable.” 

The patronization doesn’t sit well and my eyelids feel heavier than they did a second ago. “I hate you guys.” 

“Clearly,” Stu breathes, reaching over and taking the joint from Billy. “Oh, Billy, forgot to tell you, Y/n’s supposed to be mad at us.” Billy tilts his head a little too far to one side like that’s news enough for him to be curious. “Tay told her about the Noel thing.” 

Billy feels imbalanced, head leaning one way and spine straight. His eyes harden over again. “Really?” He takes my hand again, this time a lot less softly. “Over that asshole?” I let him run his knuckles over my hand again, even though this time it feels a lot less soothing. “If none of your friends like a guy, that usually says something about the guy.” 

I’m sure there’s some kind of joke I could spin. Maybe about where he learned that one from. Get that from Cosmo? But the bordering on defensive look behind Billy’s eyes is overbearing and messing with my head. Stu is seriously in danger for bringing this up right now. 

“It’s not about the guy,” I manage, “It’s about...” All the points I had feel a lot less concrete under Billy’s scrutiny...or maybe it’s the weed. Or both. I swallow, dropping my gaze to my lap as I try to really think. Okay, it’s definitely both. “Timing and boundaries.” It feels fractured. “Like even if a guy totally sucks, you can’t go over my head about it.” 

Stu lets out a sigh, dropping his head onto one of his pillow’s. I glare openly. This is all his fault. Why bring it up now? Billy was just starting to act a little more like himself. “I don’t know what you see in him.” Ugh. It’s like he’s not even hearing me. “Especially with the way he talked about Casey.” 

That last part hits its intended goal. Stu’s staring at the ceiling, so I can’t see his expression, but he seems to take my silence as a win. I don’t know Noel as well as they do, but he did talk about Casey at that party and it wasn’t exactly kind. 

I squeeze what I can grab of the comforter like that will tether me here. It half works but it does nothing to ease the tightening in my chest. The memories mix uneasily with the start of my high. The dip of panic doesn’t suit the way my body wants to feel and it all blends together in a way that leaves me on edge and a little nauseous. 

There’s the sound of someone moving, but I barely pick up on it. Billy smacks the side of Stu’s head. “Too much, asshole.”

Stu throws Billy an offended look before craning his neck to look at me. I must look as off as I feel, because Stu does sit up. “Shit,” he pushes himself back, “Sorry. I didn’t think--” 

“You never think.” The words are pointed, but not completely angry. If I was feeling any better, I would’ve laughed. He slowly reaches forward and I don’t stop him from prying my fingers away from the sheets. “Your trip going a little bad?” I nod. “Don’t think about it.” Easier said than done. “You could end up like Stu the one time he smoked too much while watching one of those old horror movies where the special effects are basically held up by a string.” 

That cracks at the panic a little. “What did he do?” 

“Convinced himself that it was real and we were the ones that were off.” 

I almost laugh. “Actually?” 

“Shut up,” Stu sighs, a little bitter but not actually mad. 

Billy ignores him, “Actually.” He turns my hand over carefully before running his fingers over the thin scar on my palm and up my wrist. “So you’re already doing better than him.”

For a second, I let myself study Billy. The wisps of hair falling forward, the slight pinch between his eyebrows, his focused expression. Billy almost always holds himself with a certain tenseness. Whether that’s force of habit or natural to him, I’m not sure. Maybe that’s why he gets along so well with Stu. They balance each other. 

“Are you...” I don’t know where I’m going with this. “Are you feeling any better?” 

His expression briefly clouds, pulling into something much more blank. He drops his gaze and for a second I feel like I might need to take it back. “Yeah--yeah, don’t worry.” Again, easier said than done. Billy clears his throat almost immediately after, like that will erase the fact that he actually responded. 

“Good.” It doesn’t sound overly positive, but he hasn’t convinced me. “I’ve missed you, a little.” That feels a lot more real.

Billy angles his head downwards, almost smiling. “Only a little?” 

“It’s not like you haven’t been around at all.” He traces an invisible line up my wrist. “Maybe more than a little, anyway.” 

“Aw,” Stu hums, his hand finding a place on my back. He leans forward and rests his head on my shoulder. “You two are adorable.” I’m not really given a chance to answer before Stu lets out a sigh that I feel against my neck, “Don’t be mad.” 

Honestly, I’m not feeling any anger. I’m a little annoyed at him and frustrated that I’m still not normal. That’s all there is. It’s too tiring to turn into anger. “’M not mad,” it feels like a confession, “A little annoyed at you, but not more than usual.” 

He breathes a sarcastic, “Haha” into my shoulder. 

With no warning, I start to unweave myself from them. I think they’re too confused to ask until I’m actually standing. 

“Where are you going, angel?” 

I don’t really know, so I can’t really answer. Stu’s room isn’t super familiar. I’ve been in here a couple times, most of them brief. I take a second to really take in the space. A lot of posters, the ones that aren’t directly bloody movie posters feature practically naked women and some combine the two. It fits him.

“Getting a feel,” I decide on, “You can tell a lot about a person based on their room.” 

Stu moves to the edge of his bed, grinning at my focus. “Really?” 

I move to pull open the drawer of his nightstand. “Mhm.” 

“You’re not going to like anything you find in there.” He places a hand on the front of drawer but doesn’t stop me. 

It takes me a second too long to realize what he’s getting at. By then, I’ve already taken in a cover of a magazine with a model that’s wearing even less than the girls on the posters, a box of condoms, a surprisingly neatly stacked set of polaroids, an old deck of cards, and a few random odds and ends all crammed in there. 

My nose wrinkles, but I’m too distracted by the polaroids to make fun of him. I can only see the top one, but it’s innocent enough, an accidental snapshot that sort of looks like a blurry person on a couch.  

“Polaroids?” I pick them out of the drawer and flip to the next one. A small lump that looks like a cat in Stu’s living room. Weird, I’ve never seen one in his house and he’s never mentioned having a pet. Maybe these are old pictures. Before I can snoop any further, Stu pulls the stack of photos away from me. “You’re no fun.” 

He rolls his eyes as he moves the first photo back into place. “You’re nosy.” I don’t say anything because I’m not so high that I’m clueless. This is a little weird of me, but I can’t help the impulse. “What if the next picture had been me naked?” 

“You take naked pictures of yourself and keep them in your nightstand?” 

Stu intentionally ignores my laughter. “You don’t need pictures for that, baby, you can see the real thing.” 

My laughter picks up again. “Yeah? Let’s go right now.” 

At that, Stu does crack a bit of a smile. “Let’s make Billy strip first.” 

“Deal,” I mumble through another laugh. 

Billy drops his head onto a pillow, “Fuck off.” 

I turn my attention back to the card deck and dig them out with my nail. “Any naked pictures hidden in here or am I good?” 

“No promises.” With that as my warning, I begin to shuffle the cards absentmindedly. “Why? You wanna play strip poker?” 

Ignoring him, I move back to my previous position on the edge of the bed. “Think I’m good.” 

I drag the nail of my thumb along the edge of the cards and focus on the sound of them. Billy nudges my knee with his. I look up as he extends his arm, silently asking for the cards. I hand them over without thinking much about it. Billy begins to actually shuffle in a way that would fit Vegas. 

He has to notice my mesmerized stare, but he says nothing. “Do you actually know how to play anything?”

My mom briefly worked at a casino when I was in the first grade and she’d have to bring me in sometimes, but I retained nothing. “Not really.” 

That starts something. A process that should have been short and easy. Billy trying to explain different versions of poker and Stu trying to trick me, but only sometimes so I couldn’t know to for sure not trust him. It’s a mess of laughter and a refreshing lack of angst. Every once in awhile, someone insists that a loser has to take a drag from a joint, so everyone’s progressively getting worse. I’m pretty sure Stu’s cheating somehow, but I have no proof and I’m too out of it to get any. 

It’s so lighthearted and genuinely fun that I’m fighting against the heaviness of my eyelids. It can’t be that late, but I’m already starting to feel drowsy. I’ve finally been given good cards, so I really need to get it together. “I won.”  

Stu scoffs, eyebrows drawing together as he eyes the cards I just set down. “No--that’s not--” 

“I won,” a yawn cuts my sentence in half, “Don’t be a loser about it.” 

Stu picks up all the cards, ignoring my protests. He’s already mixed me up a couple of times. “I can let you have this one, because you’re--” 

“Because you have to.” 

Billy turns his ankle, tapping his foot against my leg. “Don’t be mean about it.” 

That was nowhere near mean. “Dramatic, both of you.” 

Stu’s mouth falls open in a mock gasp as he continues to gather cards. I don’t know what he’s doing until he drops them all back into his drawer and shuts it. He then walks towards his dresser, pulls out a T-shirt, and tosses it in my direction. “After all I’ve done for you.” 

I pick up the T-shirt and fold it onto my lap but make no move to go to the bathroom to change. “I don’t want to go to sleep.” 

“You’re half asleep already.” Billy ignores the dirty look I give him. “Just change in case you fall asleep.” 

Stupid voice of reason. I scratch the back of my wrist and decide to give in. If for no other reason than the fact that Stu’s shirt is almost weirdly soft. Rich people must have access to different kinds of fabric. I reluctantly get up and find Stu’s bathroom.

I change quickly and take a second to make sure Stu gave me a long enough T-shirt. Thankfully, he did, so I don’t have to feel extra awkward about anything. I fold my clothes and bring them back with me. 

“Looks nice on you, babe.” 

Drowsiness hits harder without any distractions. I blink, unsure on how to respond. Stu’s always a flirt with everyone, but it feels a little weird to react to it while standing in his room at night in one of his T-shirts. “It’s the rich guy cotton.”

The corner of his mouth turns up. “And those legs.” 

“Shut up.” 

Billy turns onto his side, fluffing his pillow. “Go to sleep before he gets worse.” 

“Yeah.” The two of them look comfortable, all settled. “I’ll crash on the couch.” 

Stu props his head up on an elbow. “You don’t wanna do that. Living room’s creepy at night and you’ve smoked too much. You’ll get scared.” 

“I’m not 12.” 

“It’s safer here, you wouldn’t be alone if something happened.” 

Ugh, Stu can never resist trying to get me paranoid. “Nothing’s going to happen.” That’s what I thought when I was at Casey’s. 

“Just get in bed,” Billy mumbles, half asleep, “I know how this argument goes with the two of you.” When I don’t move, Billy sighs, “If I fall asleep and you get freaked out, I’m not helping.” 

Stu lays back down, “He means it. He’s an asshole when he’s tired.” He pauses for so long, I briefly think he might have fallen asleep. “...’S not a big deal.” 

True. It wouldn’t even be the first time we all fell asleep in the same bed. And Billy’s slept over in my room enough times for that to barely phase me. “Yeah.” 

I walk over towards the bed. “Drink water,” Billy mumbles the words with his eyes still shut. I look over at the nightstand and there’s a glass there that wasn’t there before. I drink a few long sips until Stu sits up to steal the glass from me. 

Rude. “Give me--” 

He downs the rest of it in a few gulps, “Go to bed.” 

I roll my eyes, but unfortunately do listen. Stu pushes me towards the middle, ignoring my surprised huff. I smack his arm before covering myself with his bed sheets. I barely get to reflect on how much of an asshole move that was before I fall asleep. 

----

A/n fun fact, there’s a moment in here where Y/n came superrr close to accidentally finding out who Ghostface is :) 

Taglist: @cole22ann @womenarecannibals @fand0mskullfa1ry @princessleah129 @i-amnotokaywiththis @fvcking-gxddess @suckmyass-things @im-better-than-your-newborn @michibuni @bigenargy @marli-lavellan @mushy-mushroom04 @neenieweenie @lone-ray @the-ruler-of-death @andthevillainshallrises @thesebitcheslovesosadotcom @thesebitcheslovesosadotcom @dixbolik-bby @thebitchiestnerdtowalktheearth @peachycupotea @my5tica1ien @agustdeeyaa @astrial @3ll0kittylvr420 @zoleea-exultant @slaypussypop-21 @aonungs-tsahik @finnydraws @slytherhoes @vxarak @xofeeeeelsxo @thewayiknowyou @yourslashersfinalgirl @winterridinghood @maggieleighc 

[oz-wufei]

I normally would not do this, but I have begun to feel as though I must.

I am not a role play account, first of all.

My name is Chang Wufei. I am an alter to a DID system, yet I have my own memories from my life in my version of the After Colony timeline. I am an adult now (over 21), and I am at my wits end. I have tried this before with some little luck but now it is personal.

Some may say that I am a fictionkin. I will not argue with them because I suppose that I am in a sense. But I also, as I said, am an alter or facet or whatever term you wish to use in my system. I'm not here to argue semantics. What I am here for, is to find my friends and loved ones.

In my timeline, things went differently from what most would call "canon". At the New Edward's base, when 03 and I went to secure a carrier to escape, my Gundam was compromised by small EMP mines that disabled her and left me at the mercy of the Alliance. I ended up in the hands of the Romefeller Organization because of my status as a Gundam pilot as well as my heritage from L5. I was their prisoner for about a year judging by what I was told when I was freed. I will not go into the particulars of what happened to me in this post as they were quite terrible. I was rescued by, of all things, OZ. Specifically the Treize faction. Treize saw to it that I was carefully nursed back to health in what was probably the most honorable and safe way that anyone could. Not once did he hurt me. I suppose I imprinted on him somewhat for showing me basic human kindness, for I agreed to hear him out and fight with him instead of against him.

Once I was ready, Treize revealed to me that he had also salvaged and repaired my Gundam. He offered her back to me freely, without any stipulations whatsoever. I vowed to him that I would use Nataku to further his cause of peace. The next time the other pilots attacked one of his bases that was close enough, I was dispatched, but not as a weapon. My mission was not to fight the other pilots, but to reason with them. To anyone familiar with this universe, I am certain that you can imagine what it looked like to the others to have me in my Gundam who, again, had been AWOL for a year show up on OZ's side. Duo was the first one I encountered. He attacked me of course but I only defended while speaking to him through our gundams communication links. I told him of Treize's desire for peace, though of course he did not believe me at first. I do not blame him. Eventually he did decide to listen to me and warily followed me back to where we were stationed. Under my protection, his Gundam was secured with mine and I took him to see Treize. Treize also told him what I had and offered Duo an olive branch and an invitation to join him in fighting the Alliance. The Alliance was our enemy, not the other pilots. Duo did not accept at first but he also did not leave so that he could stay with me.

Eventually, Duo agreed to help if just for my sake. He did end up forming a bond with Zechs and I fully believe that helped him make his decision. We were sent out for Quatre and Trowa, who of course appeared together. Quatre could, using his gifts, hear the honesty in my words and feel the residual pain in my heart, so he did agree to hear Treize out. Trowa accompanied him out of his desire to protect Quatre.

Heero was last. I insisted to go to him by myself and I will explain why. In canon, I believe it went that the only pilot Heero knew of before New Edward's was Duo. In my time, that was instead me. He and I actually formed a deep bond, perhaps even leading to love. I learned much about him and he of myself. I certainly will admit that I loved him, even if I was a confused boy who was fighting a war not his own. Yes, I still had been married to Meilan and yes, she had still been murdered. I was dealing with that alongside teenaged hormones and war trauma, but I still found safety and comfort in Heero.

When I met Wing Zero on the battlefield, Heero did not attack. He agreed to speak to me the same way Duo had, but when the screens connected and he saw me in an OZ uniform... The look in his eyes still stings me to this day. He was so hurt and betrayed but also furious and confused. All I said was his name before he disconnected and left. I never saw him again. I looked and looked using all of Treize's resources that I could (which is saying something since he gave me full access to what he had), but never had any luck. I never found his Gundam, either, nor pieces of it, so I do not think that he self-destructed.

We did end up defeating the Alliance and, in conjunction with Relena and Sanc, brought about an era of peace. There were uprisings, of course, as humanity is a warlike race, but nothing serious. The Mariemaia incident did not occur as the Barton Foundation was ousted before it could. Treize ended up courting me once I became of age and we ended up wed years later. All of us grew old and died peacefully.

Except Heero. As I said, I never learned of his fate.

All of this to say that I am looking for anyone who recognizes this as their own past. I will joyfully welcome anyone, but... I am looking especially for Heero.

I need to apologize to him. To explain. To beg his forgiveness. I may have ended up as Treize's husband, but I never once stopped loving Heero. Even on my death bed I thought of him. I do not care if he hates me, I would understand it. I just desperately need closure.

My ask box is open if anyone wishes to contact me here, or I may be contacted on discord at ozfei. I welcome reblogs if anyone thinks they may know someone in their own followers who could help.

Thank you for giving me your time.

[diezmil10000]

when and how did you start to really get into love live? since you watched sunshine or did something else make you start loving them? :] do you have any recommendations on what to watch or listen to or read for baby aqours fans? ٩(ˊᗜˋ*)و i finished sunshine recently and i loved the positive energy of the show (and chika! lol) 💕

i actually first got into love live when aqours wasn't even a thing (late 2014), so i got really attached to µ's and mourned their final live for a long time. so long that i didn't even care about sunshine until the anime started, and even then i was very hesitant about moving on. but the fact that it was a direct sequel, that chika loved µ's as much as i did... that deeply resonated with me and i fell in love with everything surrounding aqours. and, of course, the storyline of the 3rd years altered my brain chemistry forever.

my first recommendation would be to watch love live if you haven't already. if you liked sunshine, i think you will like the original show as well. sunshine references a lot of love live events and it's very cool to see them diverge from the path of µ's to become their own stars :)

then, i would listen to the aqours discography, which may seem like an overwhelming task considering they have over a hundred? two hundred? songs, but it really is the easiest way to get brainworms in your head. going in release order may help, and i'm sure you will be pleasantly surprised at how good a lot of side tracks are ("deep resonance" from mitaiken horizon's cd, "aqours pirates desire" from fantastic departure's cd, "game on!" from genjitsu mysterium's cd...)

with all of that done, you are ready to watch some concerts!! love live tends to do "numbered" lives, as in "aqours 1st lovelive step zero to one" or "aqours 4th lovelive sailing to the sunshine", and i highly recommend watching at least those. they also have fanmeetings and other smaller events, but the numbered lives are regarded as the peak of love live for good reason. the staff are very strict about not letting fans record the concerts, and this is because they release blu-rays with high quality. they are so beautiful and immersive that i genuinely feel like i'm there in the venue just from watching them on my computer. here's a very helpful piracy site in which you can search by keywords, and here's the website of the best group of fan translators of all love live (they have posted torrents of all the aqours concerts with high quality subs <3 love you team ONIBE)

lastly, the final stepping stone to becoming a true love liver: watching the seiyuus livestreams. they barely do them nowadays, but i often find myself rewatching old videos because of how HILARIOUS they are. they talk about love live events, including concerts, so they may help you get a grasp of the timeline of the group if you watch them in order!! a lot of people have reuploaded them with subtitles on youtube, but i vividly remember being a teenager with zero knowledge about japanese, watching them live and feeling that language barriers weren't a problem for enjoying these 9 girls being stupid on stream. if you don't get good results with searching "aqours livestream", try searching for "aqours niconama" (from "niconico namahousou", since they used to do them on niconico douga/nicovideo back on the day)

aaaand i think that's it! it's been 9 years since the project of love live sunshine officially started, so there's a lot to take in, but i'm glad that you're interested in it ^^ the love live wiki is also very helpful if you get lost - as much as i hate that it's part of "fandom" now, it has a lot of useful information about songs, seiyuus, live events and basically everything you need to know.

[dimiclaudeblaigan]

Random anime/manga recommendations (good oldies!) I have for y'all just bc I love them and hope you would too! also I just want to talk about them bc I love and miss them all!!!

In the list:

Hikaru no Go

Shaman King

Loveless

Yami no Matsuei

Yu Yu Hakusho

Hikaru no Go:

it's about the board game Go but I promise it's so much more heavy than that and the character interaction/development is top tierrrr. also one of the only series that made me bawl like a dumb baby. also!!! you get to watch the characters GROW UP!!! from tiny baby faces to grown teenagers!!! and the fun of it is that while you watch/read, you don't even notice it happening!!! you just look back and go holy shit they were literal BABIES!!!

85 episodes and one OVA, but the OVA only covers half of the final arc, which is manga only. very faithful to the manga otherwise though.

Shaman King:

uhhh okay hear me out you gotta like, read the manga first or watch the 2001 anime first, then do the other one. then you can read the spinoffs. then you can read the sequel if you feel like it but it's more second gen esque and has been off and on for many years, long story, and it's also cut into two different names, long story, but it's flowers and the super star.

once you've read the manga and watched the 2001 anime, the 2021 anime is the remake of the 2001 anime bc the 2001 anime was concluded bc the manga was on hiatus and had caught up to the source material, so they did an anime only ending while sprinkling in bits and pieces of canon into that. the remake was insanely rushed though and cut a lot of content (including a majority of my favorite characters' content which was already low!!!) and super cut corners so imo it's really not a replacement for the manga, hence why I suggest the manga first.

some ppl have said watching the 2001 anime after the manga kinda made the anime feel less great overall bc of the anime only direction it had to take (if it hadn't, it would've ended up like naruto with filler and if y'all were there for that ride, uhhh... never again lmao), so it may be a better experience to watch it first then read the manga.

the anime is aaaaalmost completely faithful (some changes and alterations, but mainly ones that were meant to develop the main characters more and quicker) up until around episode 25, and then it starts getting... timeline-wonky but does follow canon. it just follows the events somewhat incorrectly, put in anime only aspects and swapped things around. after that point, when the characters reach the Patch Village, it's all basically anime only from there with the very final arc sprinkling in some manga only stuff.

anime ending is pretty standard shounen unfortunately, but the manga's ending was a breath of fresh air where it actually follows its themes and story beats right to the end.

that said, the original series is completed. the sequel is... ongoing... sometimes... when it's not blocked by a wall of hiatus bc of the magazine it gets into going under like every single magazine it goes into... but if you don't care for the sequel (understandable tho since it's very different!) that's not a problem. there are tons of spinoffs/side stories though that are both completed and ongoing. there are... a... lot... so basically SK universe is like forever ongoing, but the main series is completed.

** fun fact: hikaru no go and shaman king ran together in shonen jump!

Loveless:

okay so I promise this one is good, but it does feature trigger topics and overall more mature topics.

general premise is hella cringe, cat ppl with cat ears and a tail until they have sex. generally a shounen-ai but there are also het and wlw relationships. older dude claims to be in love with younger dude but it's actually fake and he was just told to say that, so that part goes from cringe to like, actually having backstory.

pretty much a psychological series with side romance (bc as much as it markets itself as romance, there's no "real" romance between the two main characters and the only confirmed pairs are not them). tackles a manipulative, emotionally abusive person who is yandere toward his younger brother, hence tackling more mature and potentially triggering topics. rape is also talked about/implied, though we don't actually see it in explicit detail.

series is complex though and some enemy characters become friendly with the main characters, some just neutral, and some become very close to them. the relationships and dynamics are all amazing though and I love how the more mature topics are handled (tastefully, in other words. it doesn't make light of them and gives depth to the characters) and how the main villain is handled. some more morally gray leaning villainish without being a villain characters are there too.

unfortunate parts of this is that the anime is only like 12 or 13 episodes and was never brought back. worse part is that volume 13 started and the manga went on indefinite hiatus a very, very, very long time ago and has not been touched since and probably never will be again. still an amazing series, but pretty much in permanent limbo unless the author magically decides to take it up again.

Yami no Matsuei:

uhhh listen it's another shounen-ai BUT it's not just romance. i don't really read purely romance series and always need substance and story/plot.

uhhh listen this one's kinda difficult to explain but basically it's a group of dudes who are detective-like ppl who are all actually dead and they get partners assigned who are also dead. villain is batshit nuts.

story can be pretty heavy on the romance/one-sided romance and stuff, but that didn't deter me.

also, talking bird buddies.

as above, the unfortunate parts are one season of about 13 episodes and not picked back up, and the manga is on indefinite hiatus and probably will not continue.

Yu Yu Hakusho:

uhhh you all probably at least know the premise of this one but im gonna come out and say it!!! ...watch the jp dub. promise. i know ppl say the dub was good but. i don't. rly feel that way??? despite growing up with the dub??? and also the sub sounds better to me???

anyway watch this series (or read it!)! :D

** fun fact again!: this series also ran with hng and sk in shonen jump!

[sarcasticdolphin]

Some fay/fae au headcanons about Tod and Rudolf’s relationship. Under the cut because well ... 

Ok, actual note here. This is going to be a bit of a *vulgar* post on my part. Many of the things that are done are some of the traditional euphemisms for sex. I will fully spell it out when they do actually have sex. This also deals with the *very* messy relationship transition of Tod being Rudolf’s surrogate parental figure to being his lover. Tod also isn’t a character that really cares about human morals, so the transition is even messier than it might otherwise be. You have been warned.

Kidnapping: Sisi made a deal with Tod a few years back - But she was under the impression that she was trading her firstborn child (Sophie), who was already dead at the time for freedom. Tod decides he likes Rudolf and to ... alter the deal. 

So what age is Rudolf when Tod takes him? I would say about 7-8.

Before I go any further a note on time. Time is completely messed up. It follows faster, generally, in the fae realm, but not evenly. Tod’s palace has the greatest time warp whereas the outer edges have the least. For obvious reasons Rudolf spends most of his time in Tod’s palace.

The rough conversion is that the 13 hours it takes Sisi to find Rudolf was 1300 years for him.

But back to the main stuff.

Rudolf doesn’t want to leave his new friend’s arms. He’s scared that Tod might leave him, just like his mother. So he asks to sleep in Tod’s bed, with him, the first night he is with Tod.

Tod sings him Schatten as a lullaby and rocks him to sleep before holding him all night. This becomes their routine, even as Rudolf grows from a little boy into a slightly gangly teen, and Rudolf becomes utterly dependent on Tod - to the point that he can’t sleep anywhere but Tod’s arms. Tod for his part is slowly turning Rudolf into a fae, and the closer he keeps him the faster it goes.

So he keeps him beyond close. They share a bed. They share meals. Tod is Rudolf’s only tutor. The farthest away they ever get from each other is when one of them goes to the ensuite. They go riding together. Rudolf sits on Tod’s lap or at his feet (depending on the day) while Tod holds court.

And then Rudolf becomes a teenager. Tod still keeps him just as close, but Rudolf slowly begins to become sexually aware. He doesn’t act on it for a while, but eventually, Tod clues in and starts arranging increasingly lewd entertainment for them, up to and including an orgy (or several) that he holds Rudolf against his chest during and makes him watch/listen to without being about to act on any of his urges. To be clear - Tod isn’t letting Rudolf masturbate at all, and the servants are under an order along the lines of ‘I will flay any of you who so much as think about my prince sexually.’

This culminates in Rudolf (still probably underage (physically), but ~17, so not by much) throwing himself at Tod. This is part of the messiness with the timeline, as practically the lead-up to Rudolf throwing himself at Tod on its own takes a century or two.

Tod refuses Rudolf and Rudolf’s other suggestions (which are along the lines of ‘then let someone else fuck me under your supervision.’) And makes him wait until Tod’s presence and the magical bleed have made Rudolf completely fae.

This process, which starts as soon as Rudolf arrives in Tod’s realm, takes 500 years or so. 

When it is finally done (and Tod checks by making little cuts on Rudolf’s skin and tasting his blood in a very suggestive way), Tod does have sex with Rudolf and takes him as his lover.

Tod is still Rudolf’s teacher, and if anything he keeps him even closer, teaching him the magic of the mind, which if anything is even more intimate than sex, as he matures into a proper fae prince. 

Rudolf does know a bit about his origins, but eventually, he asks Tod more and Tod tells him a twisted enough version that Rudolf rejects his human name along the logic of ‘It came to me from my weak mother, who thinks I am worthless, just a ball and chain to weigh her down.’ And demands that Tod gives him a new name as Tod is what is important in his life.

And so Tod happily consecrates a new name for Rudolf and consummates the auspicious occasion with him.

And Sisi shows up a couple centuries later and Rudolf is curious enough to spend an hour outside of Tod’s presence to meet her (very unusual), but still takes Tod’s side, utterly and completely.

I wouldn’t say Rudolf has Stockholm Syndrome, but he’s certainly brainwashed to fuck. And the transformation into becoming a fae didn’t just change his body - it warped his mind as well. 

[omnium-gatherums]

hi! I was wondering if u know what exactly is normal to not remember in childhood? like did can cause memory gaps/amnesia in childhood but I hear people also say it is normal to have gaps. so I don’t really know what is the normal and what is the amnesia?

Yes, most people have at least some memory gaps in their childhood. It's not unusual. However, usually those memory gaps are mostly only present for ages 5 and under. Different sources will say anywhere from "3-4" to "3-8." Generally, personally, I feel like it's more normal for people to not remember things under the age of 5. Anything over that age is like yeah you'll probably forget some things, but the average person won't have a ton of gaps in the way people with DID/OSDD will.

It's also normal to have memory gaps around traumatic events specifically, but people with DID/OSDD will have many more gaps and will have gaps for things that aren't traumatic (I have memory loss for video games I played, the things I liked, my hobbies, the feelings I felt over those things, etc.)

I can't really say for sure what's "normal" versus "abnormal", but I can give some personal experiences.

I always felt like my memories were like a giant puzzle with broken, missing pieces and mismatched pieces. Or like burnt photographs. Or like shattered fragments broken down into the tiniest pieces. Etc. etc.

I have many, many memories that feel like they are missing context, don't make sense, are "unfinished." Like a half of a memory, or vague memories. Or memories that I "know" happened, but can't really remember. Or feeling like there are many, many "holes" in my memories.

I have evidence of things I did, said, felt, etc. as a child, but I do not remember ever saying, doing, thinking, feeling those things. For example: I have evidence of me roleplaying as a kid. I distinctly remember telling people around those SAME ages that I didn't like roleplaying, never roleplayed, and found it boring/uninteresting/didn't like it. Even though just like a year or so prior, I apparently really liked roleplaying and did so frequently with a close friend of mine at the time? (Looking back, that ""roleplaying"" was definitely very likely just alters fronting and we thought it was just roleplaying lmfao but like I said I have no memories of roleplaying, ever).

I have amnesia for my teenage years and adult years. To my knowledge, amnesia for teenage years and adult years isn't common/normal for the average person. Unless you're, like. Super old I guess, but I've met way older people who remember a lot from their teenage years still

My family would directly ask me if I remembered something from my childhood and I would tell them I have no memory of it, while my brother (who is only a year older than me) did or something

In general my family will tell me about things that happened in my childhood and I wouldn't remember it

I have to rely on outside, objective things to be able to remember things like "I lived in this house around ages (xyz) because (abc)-". That probably makes no sense, so for example: I remember playing Spyro: A New Beginning around maybe ages 6-7? And upon Googling the release date of that game, it was released when I would've been 5, so I may have been around ages 5-6 when I played that game. Or, another example, "I don't remember what age I was when I played Poptropica, but that game came out in 2007, so I must have been anywhere from 6-8-years-old, likely 7 because I remember playing that game when Ilived in this house and I lived in that house at-" you get the picture. I hope that makes sense? Like I have to rely on objective stuff like "when did this game release, that will tell me how old I might've been when I played it" or something.

Memories feel "out of order." I can't put my memories in order. Like they're all jumbled and all over the place and I have to figure out the timeline myself, I have to figure out the timeline but the timeline keeps changing because I remember so little and have so many missing memories and out-of-context fragments and such and. It's all confusing.

Talk to other people about their childhoods, people who you know do not have DID or OSDD. It might become a bit more obvious to you how little you remember when you start to talk to other people about what they remember about their childhoods. At least for me, when hear people talk about their childhoods, I'm so shocked by how much more they remember than I do.

I grew up changing homes and schools a lot so this might not apply but I basically remember Nothing about most of my elementary schools beyond maybe the name and a few vague memories, etc. and I have many memories from schools that I cannot place WHAT school these memories are from, what age, etc.

Many memories that I can't remember the age, where I was, what was going on, etc. in general. This kinda goes back to "out-of-context memories, memories that don't make sense, etc."

Just a hunch. I always felt like I remembered so little about my childhood, barely remembered things, etc. and I always felt like I had a lot of ""repressed memories""/that it wouldn't surprise me if I did

These are my own personal experiences and since I didn't link any sources here to back these up and I myself don't actually have a lot of understanding of what amnesia for childhood is normal versus what's abnormal/etc., I'd take this post less as scientific fact and more personal experiences.

[thatscarletflycatcher]

I hate the modernity in 2019 little women. It's fine if you're doing a bridgerton or Dickinson type of thing. But in little women it just feels wrong.

Like how jo and laurie are so touchy.

Or how it the scene where meg twists her foot at the ball and they bring her home, jo starts to strip down her clothes right in front of him. And marmee is all like, call me mother! Mind you, this is the first time laurie has met all of them.

None of it is time appropriate. I won't talk about the costumes or loose hair cause it has already been covered by costume reviewers on youtube. (The movie did NOT deserve the oscar for costumes.)

Also, am I the only one who doesn't like the casting in this movie?!

Saoirse Ronan is fine. She's no Winona Ryder but that's okay.

Florence is an excellent actress but with her heavy voice it absolutely took me out of the moment whenever she played a 12 year old amy. It just looked like a fully grown adult woman, in a child's frock, acting like a child.

Timothee chalamet was meh. Or more correctly, the writing for laurie was meh. And he does not look like a father of a child at the end of the movie.

Laura Dern. I think she was good but the writing failed her at times. There was no gravitas to her character. She was too smiley. And too modern.

Emma Watson feels like emma watson in all her roles.

Rest of the characters, beth, professor bhaer... utterly forgettable.

Also it's my personal view that little women as a story works best in a linear format. It's a journey you go on with the girls and see them grow in more ways than one. Which is why the back and forth between childhood and adulthood was lost on me.

Hi, anon! That's a lot to unpack! XD

I think the modernity is jarring to me because it is so so intentional. Like it is screaming LIKE ME BECAUSE I'M HYPE AND MODERN. And at that point, make it a modern day version. But Sony wanted not modern day version, no, Sony wanted juicy juicy American classic period drama cash grab! This, in my opinion, explains many, many things about this movie. The weird meta non meta ending, Jo is asexual but she's also devastated that she cannot marry Laurie, yay girlboss Amy but also you should like her because she cannot be liberated like Jo, etc, etc, etc.

I agree with your assessment of the characters, mostly. I actually think Ronan would have been a far better casting for Amy and Pugh for Jo. There's a heaviness of presence and a matter-of-factness to Florence Pugh that Saoirse Ronan utterly lacks (her efforts at appearing rough and careless remind me of this:

But all that sort of ethereal yet sharp vibe that Amy has? would have suited well (and she's a natural blonde too!)

But. You know. Greta ships Saorise/Timothee, I guess.

I also very much liked Eliza Scanlen as Beth. She was given very little to work with, but she left an impression on me (we can debate till tomorrow if the characterization was right, but that's another matter).

I actually think Little Women can be done in altered timeline; the 2018 modern movie, IMO, did it well. It took as pivotal element the castles in the air (the dreams the sisters and Laurie have as teenagers and who they think they will be in a decade), focused on Jo as the main narrative pov (a story built on flashbacks needs someone to be the one reminiscing the past, generally speaking, we don't talk about Tenet), and kept working on how the past shaped the present, and how it can also bring a light on the way to the future. The problem with the way 2019 does the altered timeline is that it is unfocused and meandering. It doesn't know why it is going back and forth between past and present. In this movie it is just a gimmick because Christopher Nolan does it, I guess, and that makes his movies masterpieces or something. Some of the transitions are forced and hackneyed (from Beth's recovery to Beth's death) and others are just... random (from a sleeping Amy to a sleeping Beth).

[sserpente]

Synopsis: After his lucky escape, the Tesseract takes Loki on new adventures--but unfortunately, his journeys through space do not go unnoticed and he soon ends up on TVA’s radar. The deal is a simple one: Become a recruit and help the Time Variance Authority fight time crimes to earn your freedom again eventually or die. Loki accepts the challenge. It would not be long until he could use their own weapons against them, after all. If only that, however, were his only concern. Least of all did he expect that with his reluctant arrival at TVA, a woman would step into his life and wreak havoc in his heart. He does not know what it is about her that he seeks her presence like a bee hunting for honey--but he is determined to find out.

A/N: Gaaaah, I haven’t nearly pre-written as many chapters as I would like to have pre-written before starting to post but I just can’t wait any longer! I finally want to share this story with you guys, I am so hyped about it! So, without further ado--enjoy the first chapter of “Pastel Blue”! I hope you like it! ♥

Chapter 1

Tick Tock. That clock on the wall was driving her crazy, it had been ever since she had been assigned to this dull office. She spent most of her time in the lab, working in midst of dangerous and highly sensitive equipment and delicate devices.

Tick Tock. She was going to smash it—with a big hammer, perhaps, or even better, a jackhammer. It was ugly too. Made of wood and obviously antique, late 18th century probably. What had Mobius been thinking?

Oh yeah, him. Mobius M. Mobius, her I-am-not-your-father-but-I-will-treat-you-like-my-daughter supervisor and babysitter, thank you very much. Granted, he was old enough to be her father, taking into consideration that in her mid-twenties, there wasn’t much need for a parental figure in her life anymore.

Tick Tock. She sighed. The pile of paperwork she had been handed this morning had seemingly not shrunk by even an inch. She could swear she had not been stalling today. Breakfast, work, lunch break, work… Tick Tock. She rolled her eyes. No. This was unreasonable. Grunting a few not so decent swear words, she gathered the spreadsheets and dozens of handwritten notes, sending the calming ruffling of paper through the air and exited the room without so much as thinking about what Mobius would think about her wandering places around the TVA during work hours again.

Besides, the kitchen and common room right around the corner of her desired destination was equipped with the best coffee machine modern technology had to offer. Hot chocolate with mint and a hint of vanilla? Oh yes, please!

At this time of the day, the lab in question was deserted. Pens, pliers and other small tools lay scattered all over the metal tables as if someone had just finished their work for the day. Some of the devices in here could cause major damage if activated accidentally or even at the wrong time. Now there was the thrill, the proximity to endless possibilities.

After turning a few laps around the tables to see if anything had changed or improved at all since the last time she was here (which would be yesterday), she eventually made herself comfortable at the huge desk fully equipped with a cup holder, sockets and a fancy table lamp. The chair was the best part, enabling her to swirl around whenever she felt like she needed a refreshing spin.

She had just pulled out her burrow from her hair, having twirled it around one of the lighter strands. Her guess was the sun had bestowed its warm kisses upon her chocolate brown hair in the summer. Leaning over her papers, she got back to work.

But it was only five minutes until she heard the heavy metal door with the see-through glass panel being pushed open, followed by someone clearing their throat.

“Jess, do you have a moment?” Mobius asked. Jess tilted her head, the slightest frown accompanied by a gentle smirk decorating her face. What, no chastising for changing work locations today? She swirled around on her chair, expecting to see the man in question in his grey suit and the signature scar across his nose stare her down with arms akimbo. Instead, he was holding on to the door tensely, right next to him, seemingly out of place in the threshold, a man with raven hair and the most stunning pair of blue eyes she had ever had the pleasure to lock her gaze with. Her eyes were blue as well—Loki’s, however, seemed to shimmer green in the artificial light of the lab. She didn’t get much daylight, all the way down here.

“M?” Jess smiled. She rose, ignoring the slight trembling of her knees as she approached the two, keeping a safe distance. Her heart skipped a beat with every single step, her chest resembling a magnet pulling her towards Loki like a powerless needle.

“I’ve told you, repeatedly, to stay in your own office.” Ah, there it was.

“I have asked you, repeatedly, to re-locate my office here.” She retorted with a smug expression, eyes darting over to Loki. Mobius shook his head. “An introduction is probably redundant. Jess, this is Loki.”

He was wearing the orange prison clothes TVA had manufactured a few years back. She had to admit, orange suited him rather well, bringing out his cheekbones and the dark hair framing his flawless face. His lips were thin, his jawline to die for. She would be lying if she denied his attractiveness. Loki was a god, after all. Most prominent to his appearance, however, were the shackles around his naked wrists and the metal collar hiding most of his long neck—a chunky but firm reminder his powers were all but a myth as long as the light was blinking bright red like a traffic light screaming stop at him like a sleep-deprived police officer.

Loki lifted his chin, allowing pride and confidence to flood his aura. Out of all the people he had encountered in this strange place so far, alterations of his very own self on an old-fashioned projector included, she was by far the oddest. Jess, so he learned, wore a colourful choker around her neck as well as two bracelets of the same kind. They reminded him of sugar pearls. If he had asked her about them, she could have revealed to him that they were indeed candy necklaces—and that she wore them because Mobius had stressed there were no edible snacks allowed at work. The elegant pieces of jewellery hanging down her earlobes, however, appeared to be non-edible. Two delicate silver charms, holding what Loki identified to be moonstones. They suited her, complementing the long brown hair and the outstanding colour of her eyes. Blue—just like his.

“The God of Mischief.” She completed, the fraction of a second after he had studied her conspicuous appearance. She added a court but polite nod. “I was kind of hoping to meet you one day.” And so she was. The rumours had spread across the entire facility like wildfire, reaching even the Minutemen based in different timelines. Loki, the Norse God of Mischief, had stolen an Infinity Stone and escaped his respective timeline—a timeline reaching all the way back to 2012—creating a new branch of reality entirely. Unsupervised, he could have caused serious damage to the very fabric of time and the multiverse. He had to be stopped, had to be captured, had to be persuaded.

Mobius had expressed his interest in getting the infamous Trickster to work for him frequently. Loki was skilled, intelligent, witty, a talented fighter and most of all, one of the most capable users of magic the multiverse had to offer. His stories of victory and defeat were known to most of the TVA and yet, they resonated with her to an extent her colleagues could never fathom. Above everything Loki had had to experience—above all Loki will have had to experience��there was a thick layer of loneliness clouding his aura like a blanket of ice-cold snow. It was a suitable comparison, given his heritage.

“I didn’t just hear that.” Mobius intervened. He sized her up like an unpredictable teenager. “The God of Mischief has retired. Loki here has just agreed on working for us.”

“With you,” Loki interrupted. “Not for you. Reluctantly.” That would leave her wondering what exactly it was Mobius had offered him in return.

Jess chuckled. “Now that is a matter of opinion, trust me. I would know.” Raising an eyebrow, she gave Mobius a challenging glare.

“I need you to cover a shift.” He responded matter-of-factly. Jess’ eyebrow rose even higher. “Reese just jumped back from 1792.”

“And?”

“He almost made his personal acquaintance with the guillotine. They’re patching him up in the hospital wing right now.”

Sucking in a deep breath, Jess took a step back, realising just what kind of favour, no, requirement Mobius would ask for. Reese had been in the TVA for more than three decades—he had not aged a day since his accession as a matter of fact—and his experience and excessive excitement over the Avengers had made him the perfect candidate to keep an eye on Loki while he was still not to be trusted—if he was ever going to be trusted, that was. He was the God of Mischief, after all.

“I’m on probation, remember? What makes you think I should cover for him of all people?” Loki rolled his eyes and for a moment, you almost felt sorry for excluding him from a conversation that was clearly about him.

“Call it an experiment. Prove to me that we can rely on you and I’ll end your probation.” Jess resisted the urge to shake his hand off her shoulder when he leaned forward to touch her in a fatherly manner.

“Sir, do you have a moment?” A Minuteman had appeared behind them. Jess had never quite figured out how they moved so quietly. Their shoe soles must have been made of feathers. In turn, the stilettos she usually wore to smuggle a few more inches to her height were loud and made satisfying noises ricocheting through the hallways when she walked, emitting confidence and even smugness. She needed that boost every once in a while.

Mobius nodded. As he released Jess’ shoulder and pushed past Loki—who did, much to her amusement, not move an inch for the senior manager—he pointed a finger at him. “Behave.”

The lab door fell shut behind him, drowning all noises from the outside like a soundproof recording room. Jess gaped at Loki for a second, her body once again threatening to overwhelm her with the magnetic pull she felt towards the Trickster, fascination setting her veins ablaze.

“You do not look human.” Loki suddenly said, breaking the uncomfortable silence. Jess pouted.

“Excuse me? I am hoping you meant that as a compliment, I am as human as I’ll ever be.” Loki frowned, then responded with a hum.

“I take it you hop timelines for him too then, fixing the damage others have done.”

“Me? No.” Jess shook her head. “I am not a Minuteman. I wish I was, trust me, but I have got nothing to do with that, unfortunately. I work in the linguistics department, spending all day translating protocols and time recordings from all sorts of languages. Now I know what you’re thinking. With its technology, shouldn’t TVA be able to translate everything using a smart computer program?” She shrugged. “Well, technically you’re right. But there’s a bunch of languages out there that simply don’t exist either here on Earth or any other known realm. We’re only human—and a computer program is only as smart as its creator. It can’t translate a language that does not consist of words, for example, that would go against the very human comprehension of its programmer.”

“Then how do you speak them?” Loki probed.

“That’s my superpower. I don’t know why I can understand them, I just… do. And what did it get me?” She raised her hands in a dramatic motion. “Paperwork. Lots of paperwork. The only way for me to get in on the real action is this place here. Take a look at this.” Loki watched her move towards what resembled a toaster, shaped like a metal suitcase that had been left open. Smiling, she reached for a shining red apple on the table and placed it on the black surface before activating the switch. She had seen the scientists do this dozens of times before. In fact, she was sure she could handle most of the devices in here in her sleep. As the small machine hummed to life, it sent a deafening vibration through the room and then, just like someone had hit fast-forward with a remote, the apple shrivelled and rotted.

“Pretty cool, huh? It works the other way around too once it recharged. They haven’t figured out how to make it work for living beings, including humans, just yet, though. This is just a prototype anyway, the real thing is supposed to help re-animate the dead for a short amount of time to solve time crimes and shit. I swear I’d get a major in science if I lived another life. My father was one. Before he died, that is.” Jess wasn’t quite sure what made her open up to the God of Mischief and tell her about her personal family drama. She usually babbled when nervousness got the better of her but this was a new level of openness entirely. They all knew her story, after all, but apart from Mobius, they all pretended they didn’t. “You see? TVA is not all bad, even if it may seem so at first. M can be an arsehole sometimes, I know. He calls our main timeline in which everything began,” Jess continued with a dramatic voice, “the Null-Time Zone. I never figured out why and he won’t tell me.”

“Because you don’t listen, Jess.” Mobius answered, holding the door open with the Minuteman who had asked for his advice impatiently but mutely waiting for his turn again behind him.

“So?” She probed, pointing at the God of Mischief with her chin, her arms crossed. “If I am to play babysitter for a while, where am I staying? Where is Loki staying?”

“Your place.” Jess blinked, incredulousness spreading on her face like a clean swipe of butter on warm toasted bread.

“My place?”

“Your residential unit is supervised and equipped with modern alarm systems, just in case you decide to make trouble again, remember? We’ll position security outside the door in addition to that, killing two birds with one stone. Besides, it’s only temporary. Reese should be up and on his feet again in no time. The blade only grazed him before he made the jump back.”

“That does not sound reassuring!” Jess stood up straight to prove her point and yet, even compared to Mobius, she was nowhere near tall enough to make an impact with her body language at this time.

“You can take the rest of the day off as compensation. Show Loki to your unit. Make yourselves acquainted. I’ll send security to collect him in five minutes—to the second!”

 ~*~

She seems familiar almost… like part of me has known her forever. It was a thought which jumped into Loki’s mind and implanted itself in his head like a parasite. A mere mortal, how could there possibly be a connection between them? But it wasn’t just magnetic fascination and intrigue. Loki felt a need to keep her in his presence much like she was about to be his cherished bride. Irritation crept up the back of his neck as he followed her through the branched corridors and back to the modern lift he had had to use upon his arrival.

He would only love to know just what it was that had gotten her on probation. Abuse of machinery for her own selfish purposes, perhaps? A prank which had gone too far and done damage to the organisation? Murder? No. Despite her toughness, he could not imagine the delicate mortal standing next to him in the elevator being capable of killing anyone.

When the elevator doors slid open again, the young woman gave him an almost sheepish smile. She hardly appeared worried by having to escort him all on her own, across empty hallways which were only too inviting to overpower her and escape. Something held him back. She did, so he realised with another wave of irritation electrifying his body.

“…the most dangerous missions they usually leave to Justice Peace and Death’s Head. Ever heard of them? They are like celebrities around here.” He heard her say just then. But Loki couldn’t possibly take less interest in this so-called Time Variance Authority. All he needed to know was that it was yet another, partially human-led secret organisation imagining with the naivety of a child that they held power over him. SHIELD had made this mistake in the past and they had paid the bitter price. TVA would be no different.

“The units here are labelled with our initials and the department number. This one.” Jess pointed at the first door coming into sight to their right and quite apparently, Mobius had not made any empty promises concerning Jess’ safety and surveillance. As they turned around the corner, they were greeted by a grimly looking security officer clutching one of those small devices Loki identified as a Taser, one which of the like Darcy Lewis had once used on his brother. He kept a straight face even as Jess unlocked the residential unit using her fingerprint and entered but gave him a provocative smirk before following her.

His own chambers back on Asgard—another life entirely, so it seemed now—were a reflection of who he was with their green accents, the countless books, the tidiness and the ancient parchment rolls on his dark mahogany desk from Vanaheim. If anything, analysing her personal living space to the very last grain of dust would satisfy his need to learn just why he felt so drawn her, perhaps.

The first item of furniture he took in was the long bookshelf towering all the way up to the ceiling, every inch filled with clearly read books about as thick as his wrist. He made a note to study the titles later. A coffee table full of empty peanut shells and a new package of peanuts still sealed neatly in their plastic bag, a caramel sofa on which he found more sealed peanut bags as well as a golden cushion with cheesy pom-poms. A drawer, a TV with large speakers and another electronic gadget resembling a fridge and two separate doorways which led to a bathing area, so he presumed, and her bedroom. Even with the overall lack of more furniture in the room, Jess had somehow managed to add her very own personal touch to the sterile residential unit.

“The bathroom is to the right, you’ll find refreshments and snacks in the fridge next to the TV. My bedroom is out of bounds. I hope you enjoyed the tour.” She chuckled, grabbing a blue leather jacket from the hook on the entrance door behind them. “Big meals are eaten in the cafeteria at certain times of the day though. Mobius wants to strengthen the team spirit but the cooks never say no to a late breakfast or a midnight snack if you ask them nicely.”

Loki narrowed his eyes at her. “Don’t you feel like a prisoner in this place?” A lackey for someone else to take the credit for your hard work, he added silently. He knew two of that kind—one being his brother, the other his alleged father. Loki suppressed a begrudged growl. Just in that moment and before she had a chance to reply to his provocative remark, there was a vigorous knock on the door.

“That’ll be your cue.” Jess announced. Loki had to force himself not to turn his head and catch one last glimpse of her as the grimly looking security man escorted him back to Mobius and, other than Jess, kept pushing him forward like cattle and yet, he was convinced he could feel her curious gaze resting on his back long after he had turned back around the corner, stepped into the elevator and even when he was reluctantly reunited with Mobius near the lab where they had first picked her up.

He was speaking to the same Minuteman who had interrupted them earlier—quietly, vividly and so engrossed in the seemingly heated conversation that he noticed Loki and his new bodyguard approaching only after his exceptional hearing had picked up shreds of information he made another mental note of using against them, sooner rather than later.

“You do realise that they’ll come after us with a vengeance, right? That could be the end of TVA once and for all, you know very well what he is capable of.”

“Let that be my concern. This is just a temporary solution—one which I am very curious about.”

“But it already—“

“I realise it already happened and that’s exactly why I’m doing this. All we need to do is stop it from happening again by observing the situation intently, stitch up the loop and we’ll be safe. This isn’t my first rodeo, Dave, you of all people should know this.”

“And what about the Tesseract? Wouldn’t it be smarter if we—“

The security officer cleared his throat, announcing their arrival.

“The Tesseract,” Loki interrupted with a glare, strutting towards them like the king he was born to become and despite his shackles, “belongs to me. It called out to me, it is mine.”

“You’ll find a lot of people in this facility who will disagree with you on that. Trust me. We’ll make sure you won’t get your hands on that cube again.” Dave snorted. “I hope you like your new lodging. Now come on, mischief maker. You’ve got a lot of work to do.”

~*~

A/N: And Scene! So what do you think, what do you think, what do you think? 🤯 I’m so excited to dive into this story! I literally recorded myself on my phone in the middle of the night a while back when all the ideas I had finally came together so I hope I’ll be taking you on an exciting journey with me!

Chapter 2

[many-gay-magpies]

okay you've got me popping some popcorn and settling down bc I LIKE THE WAY YOU THINK AND YES GIVE ME ALL THAT PRE-DARK MOON STUFF. PLEASE. IM A SUCKER FOR GOOD HEADCANONS AND THEN CANON COMES ALONG TO RUIN SHIT. pre-dark moon my general thoughts/timeline was that the boys were born vampires, and uncommonly strong ones, so they were taken to the "orphanage" to observe their powers and raise them in a contained environment away from the world. eventually they break out (not necessarily bc orphanage evil but bc smth tells me these kids did Not want to sit down and be obedient). i also had a sense that the orphanage was a distant victorian past and the boys at decelis is the present decades later, trying to move through life away from that traumatic past. once dark moon/tamed-dashed jpn dropped i adopted more of that evil orphanage mindset. and thats when i started thinking about sooha. what if sooha was born superpowered like the boys, but because she's not an actual vamp she evaded the kidnapping by the orphanage and thats why she doesn't have that story. think about it— they could have this deep connection because they all originated together somehow, but the orphanage taking the boys separated them. and thats why the low-grade vampires are searching for sooha. because the organization realized they missed one.

AND RLY NO LITERALLY YALL THINK IT WAS SOME SORT OF "ATTACK" FROM LOW-GRADE VAMPS???? U HAVE A VERY STRESSED AND VERY MISCHIEVOUS GROUP OF SEVEN BOYS WITH PYROKINESIS, SUPER STRENGTH, SUPER SPEED, ETC. HAVE U EVER HEARD OF TEENAGE ANGST AND REBELLION.

no bc youre So right idc if its supposed to be deep or not. idc about "oh dont think about it too much and just enjoy the story." NO. I WANT ACTIONS AND EXPERIENCES TO HAVE CONSEQUENCES. TO HAVE WEIGHT. I WANT TO SEE LASTING EFFECTS THAT ALTER THE COURSE OF THE STORY. WHATS THE POINT OF ANY BACKSTORIES OR BATTLES OR TRAUMAS IF THEY DON'T . MEAN ANYTHING????? hybe im angry at u

-vrvr anon

hehehe YES sit down with your popcorn because boy have i got some CONTENT for YOU. idk if youd be interested in reading the old enhaverse shit i have posted or not (forewarning if you are i actually havent gone back and read it in a while so it may be. bad-- like i remember it being decent but that was like last year so my standards could have changed LMAO) but if you ARE i could link those. and also maaaan the SHIT we put sunoo's character through omg those were some wild times

firstly though id like to adress your pre-dark moon headcanons because. that actually makes a lot of sense HFBFJFBJF and it fits with the addition of sooha too! OOH WAIT OR I JUST HAD AN IDEA. in the scenario where the boys were turned into vampires (not necessarily born as them; idk how that would work so im not gonna try and figure out the logistics just yet), then experimented on to be made into the better, more functional and long-lasting superpowered vampires, maybe the superpower part was like... an afterthought of sorts, just added on to make them even BIGGER powerhouses of destruction/idk whatever. but then whoever made them (im just gonna call them the organization for now like you) may have been like "wait, could this superpower gene... work on normal humans?". so then they either take a bunch of pregnant moms OR a bunch of newborn babies and run all the experiments and shit and well,, most of them die (because a: i like angst and b: it would explain why sooha's the only superpowered human in the story/why the organization wants her so bad) except one: sooha. but sooha's mom obviously doesn't WANT her daughter to live her life as a lab rat, so she figures out a way to get her daughter and herself out, escaping and probably pulling some wild identity-alteration shit so she and her daughter can live safely without the threat of being constantly hunted hanging over their heads.

WAITWAITWAIT OR. omg okay im sorry my brain is doing one of those things where i try to figure out the plot holes of a story or concept literally as im explaining it to someone hsjbffj give me a second-- if we're going with the timeline where the "orphanage" was like a long time ago and everything. maybe sooha's MOM was one of the babies that got experimented on, and she was the only one that didnt die, but she never showed any signs of superpowers or anything so the organization figured she was a dud... but it turns out, years and years later when she has her OWN kid (sooha), whatever weird superpowered genes the organization injected her with manifest in her daughter instead, and the organization is AFTER sooha because they somehow caught wind of this miraculous superpowered child who wasn't a vampire and went "oh shit so it DID work" and now theyre after her. idk how sooha and the boys having their whole weird ✨connection✨ would work in this situation, maybe they can just feel that she has the same weird superpowered genes as them and they feel drawn to her because of it? idk

really i dont know how that entire storyline would go—i just went off on a whole other train of thought there lmao (that was not intended, sorry). now though i wanna start telling you about my friends and i's pre-dark moon ideas because it ties into the idea of how the vampires originated and also cuz. well i want to. HDJFBFJFB (im gonna group this into sections actually via titles because i have a feeling this is gonna get insanely long again)

pre-dark moon: selene and the orphanage

okay SO: the train of thought that we had initially sort of started because of the mysterious princessy/queen-y figure that appeared in the drunk-dazed mv (who i now realize was most likely meant to be sooha, but SHHH we're in pre-dark moon headcanon territory now lets ignore that). we conceptualized her as this sort of... motherly or goddess-like "vampire queen" figure. in the story we constructed, she was the one that MADE the boys, although because we were all sluts for angst and trauma it turned... very quickly dark. she was very definitely NOT a good guy lmao.

the idea with the orphanage was that the vampire queen (who i called selene, based off of the greek or roman goddess of the moon and mother of vampires-- i think, i might have my myths mixed up there) was the one that started it all. she orchestrated the orphanage, hired all the staff, ran the entire "project" so to speak: she wanted to create more vampires like her. maybe she was lonely at first, but got driven mad by the loneliness and the vampirism combined; maybe she wanted to build an army. i don't know, we never got her motives fully straightened out. the pills that the boys all took in given-taken were pills containing her blood: that was how they were turned (in our story vampires didnt get turned via biting, they got turned by consuming the blood of another vampire; i think i read about that somewhere). it was a very slow process, so the boys (who had all been brought to the orphanage as kids and grew up there together) weren't aware of what was happening until it was too late. now, we stuck with the whole "orphanage bad and abusive, enha escape" storyline from the very start, so that happened; they ran away and set out in the world on their own, constantly on the run from the orphanage and selene.

now onto the more... character-specific parts (from here on out im gonna refer to the enha boys with a c! before their names to distinguish them from the real people because the dark moon names. uh. dont exactly work with the kind of story we created lol). unbeknownst to the rest of the boys, while they were all still in the orphanage, from the time when they were little kids up until their escape, c!sunoo felt sort of estranged and overlooked—like the others didnt care about him as much, or like he was irrelevant (this wasnt true, they cared for him a lot, but you get the idea). he started building up a habit of running away from the orphanage and into the forest surrounding it, where he would meet up with selene—who at the time he didnt know was the vampire queen. selene basically fucking groomed and manipulated him jnto believing the others didnt love him, she was the only one who would ever TRULY love him, the others would never understand, etc etc. she was a massive bitch lmao that's basically it

now this idea did come in part from my love of traumatizing characters, but it ALSO came from the entire enhaverse circle on tumblr thinking sunoo in the mvs was like. evil. but artzyy and i didnt like the idea of his character being just straight-up evil and not caring about the other boys so we were like "but what if he was manipulated" and then it just sort of spiraled from there. after the boys escape the orphanage, they come across this castle where selene lives. none of the boys know all the shit she's pulled with c!sunoo—they just think she's this benevolent motherly figure, if a slightly suspicious one. after a while of staying in the castle they figure out she's no good and escape, again, but by then c!sunoo has already been roped into betraying them by selene and he works as a sort of double agent for the rest of the story, sowing their demise at selene's behest. there are... a LOT of feelings had about this, just generally, by everyone. as you'd probably expect.

another thing to know about me and my mutuals' version of the enhypen that lore is that we were all apparently gay and longing when we were coming up with all of this so we sort of projected and. made the characters into this one giant gay poly qpr situation. i really dont know what happened HHDJFHFJNFN the fever mv came out and we started making jokes about it being gay (because WE all were; still are, that hasn't changed) and the jokes became less and less like jokes the more we posted about them, which tended to happen a lot with us for some reason. so. yeah.

and THEN of course the official dark moon teasers got dropped and hybe went "haha hey theyre brothers actually" and all of us at dear old engeneblr went "haha wow okay thats great!!!" while simultaneously shoving all our gayass character ideas under the metaphorical rug. and like yeah it ended up being revealed that the guys arent BLOOD brothers, they were just raised in the orphanage together and DECIDED to be brothers, but now i see them as being far too familial for that to ever not be weird.

(i even had a thing going for a while where i was compiling all the stuff about enhaverse to make into its own story, with different names for the characters to separate them both from the dark moon boys AND from the real-life enhypen; i ended up losing interest and its remained a hardly-touched note in my phone ever since, but the character names are still on there and i think theyre pretty snazzy if i may be allowed to toot my own horn about it)

okay NOW. to address:

the rest of your ask

-because that did indeed get just as insane and long-winded as i was expecting lmao. i wanna double back for a second and kinda talk about your sooha ideas again because,, i know i went on that whole tangent about how she and they boys could be related in the whole "artificial/experimental vampire" thing i had laid out, but i really do like the idea of them somehow all being BORN superpowered like that but being seperated—if thats the case, who or what made them? how old were they when they were seperated? what the hell HAPPENED?

(i really dont know how that storyline would work but i just got a very very cute idea involving it which is just. so you know the whole concept in canon where sooha was a "princess" in a past life and the boys were her "knights"? what if those are repressed memories of them all playing make-believe as kids with sooha as the beautiful princess in the tower and the seven boys as the knights that rescued her from the fearsome dragon? what if?)

okay A N Y W A Y moving on (before i go on another tangent). jino totally burned that fucking orphanage down i dont care what anyone says, the organization probably went "hahahaha oh yeah it was an ATTACK we were ATTACKED these children TOTALLY didnt leave of their own volition they had a GREAT time here but they were FORCED to LEAVE by the ATTACK" to cover up the fact that they were harboring teens in the midst of their respective rebellious phases while also having literal superpowers without any fireproofing. like. what

"oh dont think about it too much and just enjoy the story" i cant enjoy a story with no substance. i cant ENJOY a story when theres nothing there for me to actually GET INTO. "just enjoy the story dont think about it too hard" is used for silly comedies and stuff. not THIS. i can't enjoy a story if its straight up not written well. the meaning and the trauma and the impact IS the part that i enjoy.

*deep, deep inhale* WHEW okay. WOW. did uh . did your popcorn last you through all that? GMVDBFBFN i know we already established that i shouldnt be sorry for writing a lot but i,,, still kind of feel a little sorry--

[modern-inheritance]

I don’t really know where I’m going with this but do you have any Oromis/Morzan headcanons? Before or during the fall, or Oromis’ feelings towards Morzan afterwards?

I have a few! More than a few apparently, I'm just finishing this up and uh...yeah that got longer than I thought!

I’m going to do my best to leave Glaedr and Morzan’s dragon out of these because while they’re large parts of each other's lives and even maybe personalities considering how deeply bonded Riders and their dragons can be, I want to be sure I’m keeping the characters separate. Kinda like how you shouldn’t constantly group identical twins together as a single entity, ya know?

Alright let's start off with Morzan. Time for some backstory!

Modern Inheritance!Morzan

Morzan was born into a family of low level nobles. By the time Morzan was about six or seven though, the family had fallen out of favor and was struggling to keep up appearances, spending money they didn’t necessarily have on lavish items and acting increasingly narcissistic in a desperate attempt to hold onto the standing and power they once had.

Morzan probably started showing antisocial behavior around this time, mainly impulsive petty theft, inserting himself in dangerous situations, and manipulation through charm with adults and intimidation and violence with other children. Due to his family’s last shreds of political strength and their long time in the area, most of these incidents were swept under the rug or outright ignored by his family. This generally left a very angry, disgusted-with-others, burgeoning narcissistic young Morzan to his own devices.

When Morzan was chosen by his dragon, his parents were quietly glad that he wouldn’t be their responsibility anymore. They didn’t disclose any of his troubling behaviors and Morzan was quick to understand that he would need to tamp the more obvious ones down and manipulate others into hiding his transgressions.

Despite all this, Morzan and his dragon do deeply care for each other. Due to Morzan’s mind linking with the hatchling, there was a sort of evening out of his behaviors as some were ‘shared’ do the hatchling and some of the hatchling’s personality was ‘shared’ with Morzan. This is what helped Morzan fly under the radar for so much longer until his eventual betrayal.

On a lighter note, Morzan shot up like a weed when he hit puberty, once growing nearly five inches (~12.7 cm) over the span of a year. It took a year or so for his muscles to visibly bulk up, so he was this tall gangly teenager for a while. His clothes constantly needed altering.

Initially Morzan doesn’t really know what to think of Oromis and Glaedr. His family was always distracted from giving him the attention and nurturing he needed, and suddenly he has not only this baby dragon who he can share his frustrations and emotions with but also parental figures.

Eventually he warmed up to them, but more in the sense that he became attached to their attention and the praise he got when he did well in magic and other lessons. He didn’t showboat as much, but would push himself to get more compliments, praise and attention from Oromis. Oromis saw this more as Morzan taking his training seriously. There were a few instances of Morzan and his dragon being pointed out as instigators of some scuffles or small acts of possible, unproven acts of sabotage harming or tripping up other Riders-in-training, but these were generally believed to be accidents or bad luck.

Morzan’s bullying and belittling of Brom was the result of Morzan feeling like his unfettered access to Oromis and Glaedr’s attention was being threatened. He knew he couldn’t get away with physically injuring Brom and Saphira I, so his physical actions never really went past ‘accidental’ full force hits in sparring and roughhousing. If Brom got praise or compliments from Oromis, Morzan would seethe quietly, eventually exploding in rage at some later point after it built up. Again, Oromis merely thought this was just adolescent growing pains.

Wooo! That is getting LONG, eh? I’ve got more, but for now I’m going to move on to Oromis and his feelings around Morzan’s betrayal and link you to whatever extra stuff I add later. I’m really unsure about the timeline of when Morzan betrayed the Riders and when it was known that he had, so I’m mostly going to skip that chunk. Let's go!

Modern Inheritance!Oromis

Even without 100% knowing/being sure of Morzan’s betrayal, I think there was a whirlwind of confusion and general chaos when Galbatorix murdered Shurikan’s original Rider. Who was a child. A Rider had murdered a child Rider and while everyone knew Galbatorix was unstable I don’t think anyone would have expected that. Oromis was swept up in all this and didn’t have time to really ask where Morzan was. I mean, Morzan was a grown man at that point and well beyond Oromis’s control.

Morzan’s involvement was probably confirmed without a doubt at the initial attack on Ilirea, and Oromis and Glaedr didn’t have time to process this until after their brief capture.

Oromis felt some really strong guilt. That’s putting it bluntly.  Let’s expand it, shall we?

First off, I think Oromis felt some guilt over not being able to help in the sort of final big battle at Ilirea. He was previously quite powerful since he was on the council that refused Galbatorix a new dragon (that’s a whole other topic to look at later on btw), and despite his age and wisdom I think it’s safe to assume that any sudden event causing massive life changes can be pretty shocking. Oromis felt powerless and after the deaths that occured in Galbatorix’s initial attack with the Forsworn on the Riders, I think he knew that there would be more. And all he and Glaedr could do was hide in Ellesméra and tend to their wounds and new maladies.

As they healed I’m pretty sure Oromis spent a lot of time thinking ‘how could I have stopped this?’ Hindsight is...well, whatever-elves-have/20, and Oromis would have put all the signs together that were telling him that there was something off about Morzan from the start. He probably thought subconsciously that he was fixing Morzan and didn’t want to acknowledge just how dangerous that little 10 year old boy and scrawny hatchling he had met all those years ago had become as he grew. There was also a lot of guilt post-Ilirea’s final fall around not protecting Brom from Morzan enough, and feeling like a lot of Brom’s pain was Oromis’s own fault because of this.

Oh man, Oromis also has heaps of survivors guilt about the Riders that, while he does work through it and focuses on extending his life to train the next Rider, never really fades completely. He understands that he could not fight in his condition, but there’s always the nagging ‘what if’ questions that can rear up unexpectedly.

Once he learns of Murtagh and Thorn and their forced fealty to Galbatorix, I think Oromis’s guilt probably pushed him over to definitely join the fight at Gil’ead. It’s likely that he feels that if he had separated Brom and Morzan, had taken the signs of Morzan’s growing antisocial disorder seriously and gotten him proper help, and hadn’t been so blind during the Golden Age, then in some strange way he may have prevented everything from happening. Morzan wouldn’t have let Galbatorix into Ilirea, Shruikan wouldn’t have been stolen, the Forsworn wouldn’t have been influenced by Galbatorix and Morzan (who used his manipulative charm to sway some), and it all comes to, in the end, Murtagh and Thorn, both relatively innocent in this and dragged in only due to parentage and some situations which they have no control over, would have never been forced through torture and cruelty to join Galbatorix and fight people they once saw as friends and family.

Overall I think Oromis, while having processed/processing and come to terms with the Riders Fall and the hand he inadvertently had in it due to his connection to and, in some ways, his failures surrounding Morzan, he still carries this deep feeling of guilt. He doesn’t let it simply sit there though, as he pushes himself to be able to train the next generation, but it’s always there.

AAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH okay that’s what I’ve got for now. Holy shit that’s a lot of bulletpoints, huh? 

I spent some time researching antisocial behavior and Antisocial Personality Disorder, but per usual I want to state that I am by no means an expert, and the behaviors and traits portrayed here are not the only results, symptoms, or scenarios that can occur when someone has antisocial behavior or ASPD. Mental health is a difficult subject to write about, especially when I have no personal or second hand experience with the specifics, and I’m always open to educating myself on these topics. I am doing my best to learn so that I don’t stereotype or offend. If there are comments/concerns/critique please please don’t ever feel bad about messaging me privately, via the comments, via reblog, or through the ask box point out what I got wrong or if you simply want to share your experiences or concerns. 

I’ll probably have more Morzan specific backstory and ideas later on, but for now I need to make some dinner and get to work on the other ask. Cheers!

Thank you again to @siriusly-misunderstood-creatures​ for the ask! I always appreciate asks and comments, they make my brain work!!

[duhragonball]

[FIC] Luffa: The Legendary Super Saiyan (182/?)

Disclaimer: This story features characters and concepts based on Dragon Ball,  which is a trademark of Bird Studio/Shueisha and Toei Animation.   This is an unauthorized work, and no profit is being made  on this work by me. This story is copyright of me. Download if you like, but please don’t archive it without my permission. Don’t be shy.

Continuity Note: This story takes place about 1000 years before  66 years after the events of Dragon Ball Z.

LUFFA vs. BROLY (guess who wins)

     [21 May, Age 767.  New Planet Vegeta.]  

The Time Patrol's primary function was to preserve and maintain the linear passage of time.  The word "linear" implied a simple, one-dimensional vector from past to future.   In practice, the flow of time was more comparable to a mighty river.   It flowed in one direction, but its course could be altered, nudged, and redirected.   And there were eddies and vortexes, and other anomalous flows.  Many of these were brought about by natural causes, rather than the desperate act of a villain like Towa or Demigra.   It was the Time Patrol's job to monitor these naturally occurring anomalies, and when necessary, to isolate them from the main timeline, like a gardener pruning a tree.

In some cases, the Supreme Kai of Time found these "trimmings" useful.   They contained alternate scenarios of historical events, and some of these could be used to provide a safe setting for training purposes.  These so-called "Parallel Quests" could be undertaken by Time Patrollers to evaluate their performance, sharpen their skills, or practice for a real mission involving similar conditions.

In one particular Parallel Quest,  Goku and his friends were not preparing for the Cell Games, nor perishing at the hands of Dr. Gero's murderous androids.  Instead, they were investigating a rogue Super Saiyan in another galaxy.    The search led to a world called "New Vegeta", which the Saiyan renegade Paragus had presented as a new throneworld for the Saiyan Kingdom.   But in truth, Paragus had only chosen the planet because it was on a collision course with a comet.   His goal was to lure the Saiyan Prince Vegeta to his doomed planet just as the comet struck.    

What Paragus had not counted on was that his son, the Super Saiyan Broly, had his own vendetta against Son Goku, and when his primal rage erupted, it upset Paragus' scheme and threatened the entire universe.   Paragus was the first casualty of Broly's senseless rampage, and the Z-Warriors were almost helpless against his immense power.

None of this was of any great importance to the seven Time Patrollers who now entered this dangerous scenario.   As grim as the event was, it had no bearing on the true history of the universe.   For Laddis, all that mattered was Broly, a well-known boogeyman among the ranks of the Time Patrol.   Defeating him in this PQ would be a great accomplishment, and he craved glory more than honor or respect.  

"I only needed you on this mission because you're the only Time Patroller with access to any PQ's involving Broly," Laddis said to Luffa, who had accompanied him in the time machine.    The Supreme Kai of Time thinks you're hot stuff, so she authorized you to tackle these extra-dangerous missions.    Well, when I'm through today, she won't be able to overlook me so easily next time!"

"You're an idiot, Laddis," Luffa said.   "If you wanted to prove your worth to the Kai, all you had to do was work your way up.    If you'd done well enough on the PQ's available to you, then she'd probably give you the same access she gave me."

"If you really believe that, Luffa," asked No. 44, "then why have you been letting other Time Patrollers accompany you on these dangerous missions all day?  How is that any different from what Laddis is up to?"

Luffa regarded the girl for a moment before answering.    No. 44 resembled a teenage girl, but she claimed to be a cyborg, built from a mechanical body covered with synthetic, genetically engineered flesh.  

"I was letting the other Time Patrollers get a taste of these kinds of situations," Luffa said.   "They could fight as much or as little as they could handle, but they were doing it to get stronger, not for bragging rights.    If Laddis here really wanted to prove something, he wouldn't have smuggled his whole crew in to the time machine to help him."

"Who asked you, lady?" asked Krebs, one of Laddis's team, which he affectionately dubbed "The Crapkickers".  

"Yeah," said Pells.   "Laddis calls the shots around here, and he wanted us to come along, so we used the Micro-Band watches to hitch a ride."

"What the Majins mean, Luffa, is that we already know Laddis is a big deal."   Felds was speaking now.   The Earthling woman talked tough, but Luffa couldn't help but notice how she stepped behind the others.   "Unlike little 44, my cybernetics actually serve a purpose besides secretarial chores.   I scanned you while we were in the time machine, Luffa, and your data doesn't begin to compare to his."

"Good for him," Luffa said.   "I offered to fight him, but he wanted to do this stupid Broly hunt instead."

"Ugh.  You don't get it," Felds said with a condescending sigh.   "Laddis has nothing to prove, not to you, not to anyone!   Beating you isn't worth the trouble, because Broly's the one with the fearsome reputation.  And beating Broly is a formality, because we already know Laddis can do it, so we're going to help him speed things up."

"Fine.  Have it your way," Luffa said.   "This ought to be entertaining, at least.  I assume Laddis can turn into a Super Saiyan, then."

"Oh, don't you worry about that," Laddis said.   "He took a wide stance, and balled his fists as he began to summon his ki .   Within seconds, his eyes turned green, and his black hair glowed like molten iron, including the wispy beard that extended from his chin.    

"Not bad," Luffa said.   "I guess you're not all talk."  

"This is only the beginning," Laddis said.    "I'm not like the other Saiyans on the Time Patrol.   I grew up in outer space, not some jerkwater radish farm, or a comfy Capsule Corp mansion.   When I learned Super Saiyan, I worked out a few things.    Check it out."

He made a great shout, then his body began to expand, swelling to nearly twice its normal size.   Red lightning began to crackle around his golden aura, and his hair seemed to grow a bit longer.  

Luffa made a low whistle when his transformation was complete.     "Interesting," she said.   "You've got some real promise, Laddis.   A lot of the other Super Saiyans in town showed me what they could do, but they didn't have this level of control.   I think I'm starting to get into this idea of yours."

44 looked at Luffa in disbelief.    "You're not serious about letting him fight Broly, are you?"

Luffa grinned.   "Why not?   We're here, aren't we?  If things get out of hand, I'll step in, but I'm starting to think he's got a decent shot at this, especially if his crew helps him.  It's might not be fair to Broly, but that's his problem."

She dropped to the ground and took a seat.   "Come on," Luffa said, patting the dirt on her left.   "This should be fun."

"Fun?" 44 asked.    "How can you--?  Oh, never mind."

She sat down beside Luffa, who then grabbed hold of the bill of 44's trucker hat and tugged it down over her eyes.  

"Hey!" 44 cried.

"Relax," Luffa said.  "I promised you, didn't I?   I won't let anyone hurt you.  That goofy cap of yours won't even come off your head."

"Enough fooling around," Laddis said.   He stripped off his jacket, revealing a white compression shirt underneath.  The jacket had been big enough to contain his larger form, but the shirt had simply stretched, nearly to its limit.    "Felds, gimme tactical on Broly."

"Cripes!   Do you feel that?" said Claves.  

"I knew he was strong, but that's nuts!" said Pells.  

"Cut the chatter," Felds said.  "Yeah, he's got a huge power level, but that just means he'll tire himself out.    And if I can get a little peace and quiet, my cybernetic eyes can get a complete reading on the big goof's energy pattern... whoa."

"Whoa?   What do you mean 'whoa'?" Krebs asked.  

"I... I'm picking up other power signatures," Felds said.

"What are you talking about?" Laddis demanded.  "I can't sense anyone else."

"They're probably too faint for you to detect," Felds explained.   "I barely picked them up myself.   Positive identification... that's Goku... Vegeta... Gohan... Trunks... Piccolo..."

"I didn't know they were in this scenario," Krebs said.  

"Yeah, they all fought Broly on this planet," Pells said.    "At least, that's what the files said.  Felds, are you tellin' us they've already lost?   We just got here!"

"There's another one," Felds said breathlessly.   "No positive ID.    He's inside a space pod.    Oh no... ohhhhh crap."

"What are you waiting for, Laddis?" Luffa asked.  "Get out there and fight him!"

Laddis ignored her and pressed Felds for more information.   "Talk to me, Felds!" he sputtered.   "He may have beaten all those guys, but he must be worn out from the effort, right?    Right?"

"Broly just crushed that sixth guy," Felds said.   "Just crumpled up his pod like a soda can... while he was still inside.  Laddis, the projections are in.    Calculating... This guy's barely even warmed up."

"What?" Krebs shouted.

"That's nuts!" Pells gasped.

"Felds, that doesn't make any sense!" Laddis protested.  "You're telling me he beat five Super Saiyans and Piccolo, and he's not even trying?"

Felds swallowed hard and cleared her throat.   "He's coming this way," she said.    "He must have sensed you, Laddis.   Get ready..."

"Get ready?   For what?!" Laddis shouted.   "You're supposed to tell me this guy's weakness!"

"I'm sorry, Laddis," she said.    "I don't have anything in my files that would prepare us for this!   Maybe we can ambush him...?"

"All right!" Laddis said.   "He'll come after me, so Pells and Krebs, you two spread out and flank him.    Claves, you're on sniper duty.   Wait for me to lock up with him and line up your shot!   Felds, you--!"

There was no time to issue any more orders, for Broly had suddenly stopped walking and started flying.  The Time Patrollers were gathered at an elevated area  overlooking a ruined city.    Rather than fly up to the edge of the cliff, Broly simply flew through solid rock and smashed his way through the surface, like a column of superheated steam erupting from a geyser.    One moment, the Crapkickers were preparing for the fight, and in the next, Broly was suddenly in their midst, scattering them away like leaves in a storm.  

"Well what do we have here?!" he asked with a sinister kind of glee.   "It looks like Kakarot had more friends than I expected."

He was enormous.   Like Laddis, his Super Saiyan form involved an expansion of his body, but he was much larger than Laddis.   In this form, Broly stood three meters tall, and every muscle in his body bulged as if they were about to burst out of his skin.  In addition, his hair and aura glowed with a greenish tint, rather than the traditional yellow of other Super Saiyans.    There seemed to be no end to his power, as a greenish-yellow aura cascaded around him like an eternal tide crashing onto shore.   His eyes glowed so brightly that it was impossible to find his irises.   There was simply a blank field of white in each eye, a window into a bottomless abyss of depravity.

"You're too late to help Kakarot and the rest of those idiots!" Broly announced to the Time Patrollers.  "But don't worry.   Even if you had arrived sooner, it would have made no difference.   His fate is sealed, along with yours!"

With that, Broly threw back his head and laughed.   As his did, his ki  increased again, kicking up a powerful wind that buffeted the Time Patrollers like the exhaust from a jet engine.

"Luffa!" 44 gasped.   She was about to get up to retreat, but Luffa grabbed her by the arm and held her tightly.    

"Take it easy," Luffa said.   "They're just getting started."

"How is he generating...?!" Felds muttered.    "Does not compute.   Does not compute..."

"What do we do Laddis?" Krebs pleaded.    "Just tell us what to do--!"

"To hell with this!" Claves shouted as he turned to run away.   "He's all yours, Laddis!"

If any of the Crapkickers objected to Claves' cowardice, they didn't say anything.   The only one to object was Broly, whose face screwed up into a petulant sneer before he raised his hand in the direction of Claves' flight.    A green light appeared in Broly's massive palm, and when he was ready, he tossed a ki  blast at the Namekian.   Claves was knocked out of the air before he could even get one hundred meters away.   He crashed into the woods, his orange and green jacket flaming from the heat of Broly's attack.    

"You can try to run away if you like!" Broly said to the others.    "But it won't save you.   Even if you could hide from me, I'll just destroy the entire planet."

Laddis looked around at the rest of his team.   Only the Majins, Pells and Krebs, were still standing, but they were too frightened to take any action.  Indeed, they were waiting for him to show them a way out of this debacle.   His only answer was to drop to his knees, and mumble to himself in terror.    

"Worthless," Broly grumbled.   "A complete waste of Saiyan blood!"   He grabbed Laddis by the throat and raised him high over his head.     "You can prepare a place for Kakarot and the others in hell!"

"All right, that's enough.   Put him down."  

He turned his blank stare toward Luffa, who had risen from her seat to approach him.   He dropped Laddis unceremoniously, then frowned, then made a harsh, guttural noise as he sniffed at the air.  

"Who are you?  What business do you have with me?" Broly asked.    "Huh?   Did you come here to die?"

Luffa stared at him with interest, but not terror.    "You are Broly, I take it?   I just wanted to make sure I didn't have the wrong guy."

Then she transformed, and her body glowed with the same golden glow as Laddis, but without the muscle expansion he had demonstrated.

"That is my name," Broly roared, "but it doesn't really capture the truth of what I am!   Here, let me show you!"

He stalked toward Luffa, and with each step, his feet made a strange squeak.  

"Just like Cell?" Luffa muttered to herself.   "So he got it from Saiyan genes, then?  Weird."   She glanced down at her own feet just as Broly had reached her.  

"Luffa, watch out!" 44 cried as she dropped to the ground and covered her head.   But it was far too late for that.    With horrific speed, Broly had pulled back his right arm, and was now driving his fist directly towards Luffa's face.   His hand was bigger than her entire head.

Luffa stepped slightly to her right, and Broly's fist sailed over her left shoulder.

"This is what everyone's so afraid of?" Luffa asked.  

Broly continued to attack, and Luffa dodged his strikes with minimal effort.

"Is that all?" Luffa asked.   "I mean, this is impressive-- don't get me wrong-- but why were they so afraid of you?"

Broly pulled his arm back and made an angry growl.   "They fear me because I will destroy them all!" he insisted.   "All of you weaklings, then this puny planet, and then anything else that I deem fit for slaughter!"

"Right, but any dope with a high enough power level could do all of that," Luffa said.    "What makes you so special?"

"He's the Legendary Super Saiyan, you idiot!" Laddis cried out.   "Can't you see that?"

"No, I can't!" Luffa called back.   She gestured to her head.   "Look at me!   I'm a Super Saiyan!    So are you, Broly!   What's the difference!"

"You can figure it out in your grave!" Broly shouted as he tried to fire a ki  blast at Luffa.   She brought her hands up just as she vanished inside a field of bright green light.    

When it subsided, she had not moved, and there was no sign of damage on her body.   Her aura had intensified, but nothing more.

"He's the most dangerous Saiyan of all!" Laddis said.   "Can you not see that green in his hair?!"

"Wait," Luffa said.    "Is that what this is about?   You're 'legendary' because you've got that green tint in your ki ?  I thought you were just more comfortable fighting this way."

"You've been very brave so far!" Broly said with a sneer.   "And your jokes have been a little amusing, so I'll give you credit for that much.   But now your time has come!   Now, I bathe this field with your blood!"

"I don't believe this," Luffa said.   "What a waste of my time!"

As Broly powered up for his next assault, Luffa turned to look over her shoulder at 44. "Hey!" she shouted.   "Are you watching this? "

44 had taken cover near the Time Machine, and was startled by the sudden attention.    "Uh... yes!   Yes, I'm watching!" she called back.  

"Good!" Luffa shouted.   She turned back to face Broly and added:   "Because I don't want to have to explain this over and over again."

Broly threw up his fists, intending to bring them down upon Luffa in one crushing blow, but he hesitated when he saw a bright light from her body.   And then she began to scream.    

As her aura intensified, something appeared around her like a bubble, which would vanish and reappear, and sometimes glow bright green.   There was a high-pitched whine as the energy intensified, but this was soon drowned out by Luffa's furious wail.  

Broly tried to attack Luffa in spite of this, but his blows were deflected away.    Soon, he gave up trying, and allowed whatever was happening to Luffa to take its course.  

"Impossible," 44 said as she watched what was happening.   "She can't be...  Not her too!"

At last, Luffa's body began to change, and grow.   The muscles on her arms and legs expanded, and even her height began to increase.    Her hair, which had been standing straight up and glowing yellow, now extended out a little further from her scalp, and the locks stiffened, resembling great claws of light reaching out for the darkened sky.   Her eyes were still covered by the tinted goggles she wore to protect her from the Blutz waves of the approaching comet, but beneath the lenses, her eyes glowed a brilliant white, which made her goggles glow from within.

And when it was all finished, she stood before Broly looking almost exactly like him.    She was not as big as he was, but she was much larger than her former self, and her hair and tail now had the same green-yellow color as his.    Her black shirt had stretched to contain her expanded torso, and her baggy yellow pants looked more like tights.

"Now then," Luffa said with a laugh.   "Was this what everyone was so worried about?"

"No way...." Laddis said with a gasp.    "She... she did the same transformation as Broly!"

"That's nuts!" Pells exclaimed.   "She didn't even know who he was until a minute ago!"

"She must have figured it out," Felds said.   "She studied his ki  and worked out how to do it herself, in just a few seconds."  

"That's nuts!" Pells exclaimed again.

Luffa now stood over two meters tall, her face twisted in a savage scowl to match Broly's.   But then she looked at the others and clicked her tongue.  

Luffa looked at them and laughed.   "You guys don't get it," she said.    "I didn't just now figure out how to do this!  I've known how to do this all along."

"What?" Felds screamed.  

"That's... nuts!" Pells exclaimed a third time.  

"What, like it's hard?!" Luffa shouted.   "Laddis was playing around with his Super Saiyan form, so what do you dopes think I was doing back in the day, huh?    I was afraid I'd lose control and blow myself apart!    Unlike you Time Patrollers, I couldn't just look up how Kakarot did everything.   Had to work it out for myself.   I used to flash back and forth a lot during that first month.  But once I got a handle on it, I started looking for ways to make it better.  It didn't take me long to figure out how to adjust the power.   How to make myself swell up like this.  This is just one of the variations I came up with.     The only trouble is, I just couldn't find any use for this form.  My wife always liked it.  Thought I looked cute this way.   And that's nice and all, but that's about all I ever got out of it."

"Y-you could do this the whole time...?" Laddis gasped.

"So could you, probably," Luffa said.   "If you worked at it.   But enough about you Laddis, let's talk about your boogeyman."   She turned to face Broly and grinned.    "So, Broly.   If this form makes you 'legendary', and I abandoned it, then what does that make me?"

"You think you can mock me?!" Broly roared.   "I'll tear you to pieces!"

"Fool," Luffa said.   "I just told you.   I ditched this form because it didn't do me any good.    What does that tell you about the form I normally use?  I know all your strengths, Broly.   And I know all your weaknesses.   But if you're too frightened to attack me..."

Broly screamed and drew back his hand for another punch.    This time, Luffa did not dodge, and his fist simply stopped when it hit her chin.   He couldn't even stop her from smiling.  

"It's great for defense, isn't it?" Luffa asked, speaking without moving her jaw.   "We could punch each other all day, and not feel a thing."

Without warning, she moved away from his fist and delivered a roundhouse kick to his abdomen, then followed up with an elbow strike on his nose.   Broly was confused but unhurt.    He was visibly frustrated to see anything else that could match his strength.  

Luffa then unloaded a series of green ki  blasts on Broly, flinging the energy like a pitcher lobbing curveballs.  Broly deflected these, and sent them flying off into all directions.   The blasts exploded in the horizon, briefly lighting up the night sky as they burst.  

"And you still have a ton of power to bring to bear," Luffa said.   "And the speed is fine too.   For a while there, I was really starting to think I was on to something with this form.  I guess you never figured out the problem with it."

Broly responded with ki  blasts of his own.   He threw much larger globules of green energy at Luffa,  who took the opportunity to dodge them.   They exploded over the horizon, and even the light from the comet was washed out with green.   A few of his attacks did connect, but she simply powered through them, and came at Broly without slowing down.    They locked hands as they met, and thus began a test of strength.   For a moment, Broly seemed to have an advantage from his greater size, but that proved to be fleeting.    Within moments, Broly and Luffa were even.   And then he began to be pushed back...

"See, you're just some big menace, from what I can tell," Luffa said between grunts and snarls.    "All you do... with that power... is push people around... and conquer planets.   I'm a mercenary... and I don't get paid by the hour.   It's not enough for me to win, Broly.   I wanted to find ways... to improve, so that I could win faster, and move on... to my next job.  So while you were pushing everyone else around... I was pushing myself to surpass this form.    Want to know how?"

Broly's only response was to scream, and to push back with all of his might, but he couldn't get Luffa to budge.    At last, Luffa pulled free of his grip and raised her arm over her head.   It began to glow with energy, and she swung it down against Broly's left arm.   Unlike their earlier attacks on one another, this one actually managed to damage him, and Broly cried out as his flesh was singed from the contact.  

"I remembered the lessons I learned from my mother!" Luffa shouted.   "She taught me how to fight smarter, not just harder!   Weaker Saiyans have to make every shot count!   Inflict maximum damage as efficiently as possible!   If it works for them, then why shouldn't that work for everyone?   But you, you expend energy even when you're standing still, like you've got nothing to lose!"

"This form carries heavy defense and power," Luffa said, "but it's crap on precision!   Offensively, your only good move is to barrel right through your opponent, just beat the snot out of them!  But not everyone will be kind enough to just stand still and let that happen!   So you have to sacrifice some of that heavy defensive power and risk taking some hits yourself!   Like I'm doing now!"

As she spoke, her body shrank down, not to its original size, but about halfway.   Her hair still had the green tint to it, but her irises were visible again on her eyes, and her speed and strength increased remarkably.   More importantly, Broly was being overwhelmed by her renewed assault.  

"I tried this variation for a while!" Luffa continued.   "It's got a lot going for it.    What you're using now, it's mostly defensive power.    You weather your enemies' blows, then overwhelm them  with brute strength and speed, but there's not much room for finesse when you're that bulky!   But this gives me a little of both!  I can hit you faster and more accurately, and after a while, I figured out that I can channel the ki  better too!   You're just spilling it out in every direction, but I'm using most of mine to attack!"

"I'll tear you apart!" Broly screamed.   "You're nothing, do you hear?!"   But for all his vitriol, Broly couldn't touch her.     "You see!" Luffa scolded him.   "I'm vulnerable now, but it doesn't matter because I'm hurting you too much for you to fight back!   That's the way it's done!   And once I figured that out, I realized I didn't need this green crap at all!  I could just stick to the 'normal' Super Saiyan power and push forward with that!"  

Now, she shrank down to her normal size and color, and Luffa moved even faster, pummeling Broly from every possible angle.   Occasionally, green energy would appear at the point of her strikes, as Broly's immense ki  continued to protect him, but that field was weakening, and Broly was quickly losing ground.  He swung his arms in vain, desperately trying to grab hold of Luffa and take back the initiative, but she was too nimble for him, her movements too sure.

"Eventually, I realized the original form was the best, Broly!  I learned a lot from the form you're using, and maybe it'll come in handy from time to time, but when it comes to fighting, this is the way to go, and what else would a Super Saiyan do with this kind of power, anyway?"

"No!" Broly screamed.   "Noooo!"

He finally managed to grab hold of Luffa's head, and he slammed her face-first into the ground, digging a trench through the forest.   When he decided he had gone far enough, he unloaded a barrage of ki  blasts, bombarding the ground with one attack after another.  

Not far away, the Crapkickers were simply too stunned to react.     The entire mission had been far more than they had bargained for.    And so, only 44 was left to recognize the danger they were in.  She moved away from the relative cover near the time machine, and ran towards Broly as fast as she could.    

"Stop it!" she shouted.    "You can't keep firing all that energy straight down!   You'll destroy the planet!"

Broly stopped, but only long enough to look around and laugh at her.    "And what will you do about it, child?   If you're in such a hurry to go to your grave, then so be it!"  

He stood up and lurched toward her, his feet making the same awful squeak that they made before.   44 stood her ground, though whether this was through courage or sheer terror, she could not say.    

Broly raised his fist high over 44's head, and with a sick grin, he brought it down upon her...

... only for his hand to pass harmlessly through thin air.    

"What?!" he growled.    

"She's off-limits, Broly," Luffa shouted.   He looked up and found her floating in the sky, holding 44 in her left arm.  

"Y-you're okay?" 44 asked.    

"Of course I am," Luffa said.   There were only a few scorch marks on her clothes, but nothing more.  

"But he had you pinned down, and he kept shooting all that ki  at you!" 44 said.

"Yeah, I had to stay put while he was doing that, so I could deflect all that energy away from the planet," Luffa said.   "How do you think we managed to avoid getting blown up?"

"I'll kill you!"  Broly screamed.     "I'll rip your limbs off one by one!"

"Yeah, fine," Luffa said, "but leave 44 out of it.   I promised the kid her hat would stay on, and I take that kind of thing seriously."

"I've had enough of your jokes, woman!" Broly snarled.  

"Fair enough," Luffa said.   "I guess I should wrap this up."

With a flash of golden light, she vanished, leaving 44 hovering in the air by herself.    At first, 44 began to fall, before she used her own power of flight to stop herself.    While Broly was watching this, Luffa had closed the distance between them, and drove her fist into his gut.    It staggered Broly, and he cried out in pain as he coughed up a glowing green fluid.  

Flecks of this ki  charged blood landed on Luffa's face.    As she watched Broly recover, she licked some of it off with her tongue, and smiled.    

"Yeah, that clinches it.  When I first saw you," Luffa said, "I had hoped that you had somehow mastered that big bulky form, that you had come up with some interesting twist on it, something that would give me a run for my money.   But no.   If I was right about you, you would have at least been able to block that punch just now.    It looks to me like you just lucked into this green power, and you never challenged yourself to try anything else.   A legend ought to be better than that, Broly."

He tried to hammer her down with forearm strikes, but she deflected them with her own arms and focused on his abdomen, raining down ferocious punches and kicks without pause.    If Broly had a strategy, it seemed to be one of waiting for his opponent to tired out.    It never happened.  

"I can see how you might have given Kakarot some trouble!" Luffa said.   "At his level, a bruiser like you would be almost unstoppable!   But I'm not Kakarot.   I'm Luffa, and I'm better!"

She actually let him grab her in his massive arms, but only long enough to scream and force his hands away.    Then she held up her hand and began charging her fingers with red ki  energy.  

"I'm better than Kakarot!" she said.   "Better than you, and I'm damn sure better than Laddis over there!"  

She aimed her hand at Broly, pretending to line up a ki  shot, but this was just a feint.   As Broly moved to block her, she spin kicked his right arm, just below the shoulder.  

"That's a nerve strike," Luffa explained.   "The way you are now, you never stood a chance of hitting an opponent the way I did just now.   But I can pick you apart like this, cripple you one limb at a time!   And where will your defenses be then?"

Broly's only response was to scream, and Luffa simply screamed back at him.  

"That's all you've got!" Luffa shrieked.   "Just a lot of size and power and noise!  Well it's useless!  You want to be a monster?  A true freak?   Hah!   I'll show you a monster!"

To his credit, Broly's resolve never wavered.    He stood and fought, and at times, he even managed to block some of Luffa's attacks, even though his right arm was practically paralyzed.   But within minutes, she had worn him down the point where he could no longer defend himself at all.   For a time, the skies echoed with his baleful screams of rage, but they soon faded as his voice faltered.   Soon after, the only sounds that carried were Luffa's raucous laughter, and her low, furious grunts as she continued to batter Broly senseless.    

Finally, mercifully, Broly lost the power to maintain his transformed state, and his body shrank to its normal size.   As his hair and eyes returned to their normal color, Luffa pulled her last punch, and used only enough power to knock the wind out of him.    Broly collapsed, utterly defeated, but still breathing.  

"Good fight," Luffa told him.  "Maybe this wasn't such a waste of time after all.   Hey!   Laddis!"

"Y-yes?" Laddis called back.   He had taken shelter behind a large rock, and was very anxious about becoming the focus of Luffa's attention.

"Any further business here?  This whole thing was your idea, after all.   Are you sure you don't want to spar with me?"

"No!" he cried out.    "Ah, I mean.    No, that's all right.   Thank you... ma'am."

"Then lets get you and your crew out of here," Luffa said.   She turned away from Broly and marched back to the time machine.    "I want to reset this mission, and I don't need any spectators.   If no one wants to participate, then I'll just go alone."

"You.... you want to do this again?" 44 asked as she fell in behind Luffa.

"Damn straight," Luffa replied.    

"But why?" 44 asked.  "You've already won your wager with Laddis.   You've got nothing more to prove.   Broly was no match for you."

"Kid, I don't care about any of that," Luffa said.   "I'm here to train, remember?  Broly's no legend, but he held out for a good long while.   He's one tough bastard, and I figure if I re-do that fight a few more times, I can beat him even faster.    After about a hundred times, I ought to see some real improvement."

"A hundred times?!" 44 gasped.  

"Let's go, Laddis!" Luffa shouted to the others.   "Quit dawdling!  It's not like any of you should be tired.   I'm the one who did all the work!"   Then she looked over to 44.    

"How about you, kid?" she asked.  

"Me?"

"I don't know much about cyborgs," Luffa said, "but you can probably get something out of a workout like this, right?   Don't worry, I'll wear Broly down to a manageable level before turning him loose on you."

"Ah... maybe on a different mission?" 44 said.   "Something a little less... intense?"

"Hah!   Maybe some other time," Luffa said.   "After I've finished this business with Demigra, that is..."

********

     [8 April, Age 850.   Toki Toki City.]  

"So, how did it go?"

44 kept her distance from most of the other Time Patrol staff.   She preferred to avoid distractions wherever possible, but there were a few Time Patrollers who had managed to break the ice with her.    Taino, a Majin with a fondness for the Ginyu Force, was one of these.    Taino carried out her duties in a Frieza soldier uniform, and she once told 44 that she had programmed her scouter device to lock onto her friends whenever they were heading for one of the restaurants in the city, just so she wouldn't have to eat alone.  

"Well," 44 said, "the chronoscopy calculations added a lot to my workload, but they didn't turn out to be too difficult.   I shouldn't be behind schedule for long--"

"That's not what I'm talking about," Taino said.   "I meant the mission with Luffa.   That's all everyone's been talking about for days!"

"I know," 44 said as she poked at her bisque.   "I've overheard a number of people discussing it."

"Well, you were there," Taino said.   She threw out her arms for effect.    "What was it like?   I wish I could have seen Laddis' face.   That loudmouth's had it coming for months!"

"Fortunately, no one was hurt," 44 began.   "And my hat stayed on, so I dropped my protest of Luffa's use of the restricted PQ missions."  

"Do you ever take that thing off?" Taino asked.    She pointed at the mesh-back cap and read the markings on the front.    "Ninety-eight CIAL?   What even is that?"

"It's a trucking company on Earth," 44 explained.   "I just like the way it looks."

She removed the cap, and released a pile of shoulder-length white hair that she had kept stuffed inside.    

"Why do you wear your hair long if you keep it under your hat all the time?" Taino asked.  

44 shrugged.   "I just do.   Anyway, the mission went well.    I don't want to try another one like that, though.    It's too intense for me."

"See, this is why you should join the Taino Force!" Taino said.     "We always do PQ's together, and we stick to the lower difficulty missions.   Plus, you can wear one of these cool uniforms!"

"Sorry," 44 said.   "I've never been much of a joiner."

"Oh, I get it," Taino said.   "You're waiting for Luffa to start her own team, so you can join up with her.   Well, I can't blame you.   She's definitely got the 'it' factor these days.  Her fashion sense could use some work, but people like the baggy pants look, I can't argue with that.    Yellow and black might look good on you.   Sure, I can see it.   I can't wear yellow because... well, my whole body is yellow so it'd just be too much, but you're kind of an amethyst color, so it'd suit you."

"Even if she started a team," 44 said, "I'm sure she'd want warriors, not a clerk like me."

"Don't be so sure," Taino said.   "The key to team building is diversification.    Luffa's already got raw power down by herself.   Maybe she'd want to include someone who's good at math.    Besides, the way everyone tells it, she seemed pretty impressed with you.   They said you stood up to Broly.   No many clerks can say that."  

44 shook her head and looked down at her soup.    While she tried to decide how to respond, Taino's scouter began to chirp.    

"Whoops, I got a call on this thing," Taino said.  "Yes, Ukatz.   Yes.   Yes.   No, I don't think so.  No, that was Iass' job.   Uh-huh.   Right.   Okay, meet me at the base in ten minutes.    Yes, I mean my apartment, but that is  our base, at least until they let us use the conference room again.  Okay.  Right.    You too.   Bye."  

Taino quickly excused herself, barely noticing 44 as she left.  

"You think she'd want someone like me?" 44 murmured to herself.

 NEXT: Lookout

[queenangst]

Hey, do you know any fics like "things my heart used to know" by alonintherain? Like alternate universes and things like that

i feel like that’s a good question to ask @captainkirkk​. but you are correct in that i am the purveyor of fic recs, so let’s see what i can put together!

i’m not sure what specifically about things my heart used to know you’re looking for (general AUs, time loops, time travel) so i’m just going to be reccing fics hopefully that fit into those categories. if you’re looking for something else or have another idea please let me know!

some of these you can already find in: my ‘fic rec’ tag / bnha fic rec tag / weekly fic roundups

Time Travel AUs: 

Secondhand by achievingelysium

gen; 17k; chapters 5/? ongoing; nana, all might, gran torino, midoriya

A healing Quirk cannot raise the dead. Instead, they say, time heals all wounds. Shimura Nana wakes up in a future that is completely unknown to her. A future that she is apparently not a part of.

What do you do when your future is failure?

A story about death, and time, and healing. And living.

notes: please read my fic :) 

The Erasure of Eraserhead by RomaStache

gen; 48k; chapters 12/? ongoing; aizawa, yamada, all might, class 1-a

Being a hero is about averting tragedies and saving the people you can- but sometimes that’s just not good enough. The USJ Massacre resulted in too many body bags with too few answers, sending shockwaves that threatened to topple the entirety of hero society. At the center of the storm, UA homeroom teacher Eraserhead is given an unexpected opportunity to set things right. Sent back in time by a former student’s powerful quirk, teenager and aspiring hero Aizawa Shouta must dramatically alter the timeline to avert a tragic future.

Reliving the last 15 years of his life is a price he’s willing to pay.

notes: this fic is pretty dark (see: massacre) but it’s also, in my opinion, absolutely filled with comedy. it’s a blast. i had a great time reading this. i’m also fueled by angst, so take this with a grain of salt.

hollow lungs by dreamtowns

gen; 12.9k; chapters 6/? ongoing; todoroki family, todoroki & class 1-a

When Shōto is eleven, Fuyumi asks if he’d like to watch a movie with her and their brothers, and he looks at her as if he’d seen a ghost.

notes: i haven’t actually read this fic, but it’s a time travel messy fic. i trust the author. so i’m reccing it. 

look at us now by dreamtowns

gen; 3.9k; chapters 1/1 complete; class 1-a, minor/background relationships

On a mission, ten or so years into the future, a few members of Class A arrest a villain with a time travel quirk. They switch places with their younger selves one at a time.

It is very inconvenient.

notes: a fun time travel fic! 

yesterday i died, tomorrow's bleeding by Child_OTKW

gen; 19k; chapters 3/? ongoing; midoriya & aizawa, class 1-a

Izuku frowned. “What do you mean?”

“I don’t know you.” Aizawa said bluntly. “You said you were my student, once, wherever you came from – that you were a part of my current class, but I’d never seen you before you showed up at the USJ.”

In which after a fight, Izuku found himself in a world much like his own, but with one key difference.

notes: this fic does not update frequently but i love this fic. i miss it so much. it’s so good. the premise is just fantastic. 

Ticked Off by Xenolis

gen; 201k; chapters 55/? ongoing; midoriya & class 1-a, aizawa, all might

Midoriya Izuku attracted trouble. It was just a fact of life – the sky was blue, the grass was green, and Izuku constantly found himself in an absurd number of deadly situations.

He was okay with that. Mortal peril was an average Tuesday afternoon for a Pro Hero like him. Being kidnapped was practically a holiday. Saving civilians as a building collapsed around him was easier than facing his worried mum afterwards. He had dealt with All Might's disappointed dad stare and only cried for two hours afterwards.

A serial killing villain with an unknown Quirk would be no problem!

...but even Izuku had to admit that being sent back in time to his first day at UA wasn't on the agenda. Still, there was no-one more spitefully determined than him – he was going to make the most of it.

Yeah, good luck, heroes and villains alike! Deku was here to cause mischief and love his friends!

notes: who doesn’t read ticked off honestly. iconic time travel fic. 

Quantum Displacement by ChiwiTheKiwi

gen; 23.5k; chapters 4/? ongoing; midoriya & everyone

“What is your name?”

The man gingerly raises his head, enough so that now Naomasa at least has view of his eyes past the green curls that hang down over his forehead. He repeatedly opens his mouth as if to respond, though no words come forth. Eventually, he simply closes his eyes for a solid minute before reopening them. They land on him first, then move to contemplate the handcuffs that still restrain his wrists to the table. Finally, both of them lock eyes, and Naomasa can see the newly found sense of composure. His lips part, and he speaks.

“My name is Midoriya Izuku.”

notes: i love this fic. thank you chiwi. i would do many an embarrassing thing for this fic. 

Remembrance by Gentrychild

gen; 15.8k; chapters 3/3 complete; ofa holders

During a random errand, Izuku is hit by a quirk that sends him back in time, back when the Symbol of Peace was nothing more than an idea.

notes: thank you gentry we love to see it. time travel! meeting the past ofa holders! yes!

Time Loop AUs: 

Closing the Loophole by blackice

multi; 17.1k; chapters 1/1 complete; gran torino/nana, nana & toshinori

Toshinori inadvertently uses One for All to enact a time-loop the evening Nana fights All for One. And just like that, over and over, the board is reset.

notes: i absolutely loved this fic and i absolutely think more people should read it. 

One Thing After Another by DrAphra

f/m; 13.4k; chapters 1/1 complete; dabi/miruko (minor), dabi & miruko 

Miruko was in the middle of a fight when she got the call that Hawks and Endeavor were in danger.

She leaves the fight, never knowing that she'd been hit with a time loop quirk - not realizing that she would pass it on to the next person she touched. It's something she finds out the hard way, when she kicks Dabi in the face... and then finds herself facing him again. And again. And again.

In between time loops, the heroine and villain reluctantly get to know each other.

notes: such a fun interesting premise and dynamic. crack treated seriously in the best way. 

hope this helps! let me know if you’re looking for something else

[crystal-moon-101]

Generator Rex - Rewrite!

So I’ve mentioned and drawn things tied to my rewrite of Generator Rex, made between me, my friend and brother. I thought I’d give a basic timeline in what happens in this version through the notes I have, so feel free to read and see what we have to offer. I hope you enjoy what we’ve made, and feel free to ask any questions because I have probably left out many things still. Warning, this does get quite long to read, so you’ll need the time to do that, lol. I am also in the process of writing the Ben 10 Rewrite me and my brother wrote, though that is far longer so it will be a while for it come out, but let me know if you are interested in seeing it! 💙

-History-

Prior-Nanite Event

Violeta, as a child, is adopted by Abuela, raised in the small village/family she looks over.

A young teenager Black Knight, back when she went by her real name Ebony Hale, lived with her single father, who she was close to. Unfortunately, during a break-in gone wrong, he is killed by a burglar. Sadly, not enough evidence was found to convince the suspected murder, despite Ebony’s claims, mostly because of the corrupt and lazy criminal justice system. She is placed into foster care, and starts seeing all the dark sides to the world, due to troubling systems and powerful people, causing Ebony to grow this need for control and dreams of setting the world straight in her own ways.

Van Kleiss is kicked out of his home around when he turns 18, unable to live up to his parents’ expectations, doing what he can to scrape by in life, taking odd jobs and even living out on the streets a few times. He has many failed friendships or relationships of any kind, and starts to distance himself with people because of this.

Ebony jumps around studies, learning things such as law, psychology, basically anything that ties into her goal of making the world what she thinks is best suited for it.

Violeta meets Rafael Salazar during her school studies at university, the two becoming friends and eventually sparking a romantic connection. Violeta is also introduced to Rafael's long time friend Gabriel Rylander. 

A young Six is found and taken in by One, and begins his training with the other members. 

Van Kleiss is involved in a horrific accident that takes his arm. But during his recovery with a prosthetic, he meets Cassandra who is his physiotherapist, who manages to build a connection with him, the two even eventually falling in love.

Early in their marriage, Rafael and Violeta have their first son, Caesar Salazar. It would be another 13 years before they have their next one, as the family gets busy with travelling due to all the job opportunities they get.

Plans of the nanite project slowly start to become something over time.

Rex Salazar is born during the time the family is staying around Switzerland. A few others like Noah are also born around this time or closely to this year, including Circe from both Van Kleiss and Cassandra.

At the young age of five, Rex and his family are brought onto the nanite project by the suggestion of Rylander.

Van Kleiss’s wife, Cassandra, unfortunately, contracts an untreatable disease and passes away. This is the start of Van Kleiss building up his walls once more, but he tries to ignore his guilt and grief for the sake of himself and his daughter. 

After doing his best to hold his life together and finishing up his schooling, Van Kleiss ends up joining the nanite project in honour of his wife. He has many strained relationships with his co-workers due to misguided judgement on both sides, even gaining quite the rivalry with Caesar. However, he and Circe end up befriending Rex, and Van Kleiss somehow ends up babysitting the two quite often.

Meanwhile, a young girl named Emiri (Breach), is adopted into a family, even gaining a younger sister named Mary.

New main nanites are made for the project. The first being the Alpha Nanite, which is the leading nanite that can control them all, used mostly to keep them under control or pass out orders or new updates. The other is the Omega, which can control a selected group of nanites that are nearby, but it is also the key to using the Alpha, as only those who have access to the Omega can have access to the Alpha. The Omega is mostly used for maintenance and testing, perhaps to select out nanites that need fixing or to make the Alpha do something. 

Unfortunately, Rex and Circe sneak away at one point when Van Kleiss is distracted, keen to play hide and seek. Rex ends up finding himself in a nanite room with the Omega, and after messing around with his soccer ball, get caught in a lab accident. Heavy damage if done to his body, and the nanites in the room were broken out of containment and were altered by the lab damage in some ways, finding themselves in Rex. When the others finally got him out of the room and into the medical centre, a decision was made to keep the nanites in Rex, and have the Omega help in his recovery, making him the first patient to be using the nanites. He survives but with...unusual side effects, giving him technological powers that let him control tech around him, and even understand and talk to it, including the nanites. This also drives a wedge between the Salazars and Kleiss family, so whatever peaceful grounds were forming them are gone, even if Rex still tries to remain friends with Van Kleiss and Circe.

Eventually, a new member joins as an assistant, Ebony Hale. She mostly takes care of the minor things, and even ends up becoming the new person to watch over Rex, and the two do form a friendly dynamic with each other. However, what the scientists don’t know is that Ebony is really a spy for the Consortium, their main benefactor, as they wanna keep an eye on how the project is going.

Rebecca Holiday, a young and wild college student, learns that her parents died in an accident, and ends up having to take care of her younger sister, while studying. She calms down in her wild ways, and pushes through so much for her sister and herself. 

After a while, it is eventually figured out that one, there is a spy among them and they don’t know who, and second, the Consortium actually plan to be in the ones in charge of the nanites, including the Omega and Alpha, as that would give them a lot of control over the world. Given they are greedy rich businessmen. With this learned, the series of events that lead to the nanite event begins to unfold.

Nanite Event

The scientist begins to debate what to do about the project. One section of the team suggests they simply destroy everything to do with the project, deeming it too dangerous for anyone like the Consortium to get their hands on, people like Peter Meechum and Rex’s parents agreeing to this. Another section of the team suggests finding away to remove the Consortium from the plan and get another benefactor, just being careful with the project as there is too much to just throw away, people like Rylander and Van Kleiss agreeing to this. And one other section of the team didn’t really care if the Consortium did get their hands on it, as this was what they were paying to do, Caesar actually being in this group (He was often too absorbed in his work, which made him narrow-sighted unfortunately.). After much debate, it was eventually settled to just end the project.

However, Ebony caught wind of this, and informed the Consortium. Wanting to save the project, they hired arm soldiers to...clean up the members of the project, planning to replace them all with a new team eventually. But Ebony secretly did not agree with this, as she has been doing her best to play both sides, given she had her own plans for the nanite project. Plus, she will admit that she had formed some quite nice relationships with members of the project, so she ended up quietly tipping them off to the up-coming assault anonymously. 

The day comes when chaos comes. Some members had already fled, like Rylander and Meechum, who wanted to find their families and vanish. The rest stayed behind to begin destroying all of their work, even Caesar who, while not agreeing with it, helped out in the end. But when armed soldiers started coming in, killing scientists, time was running out fast. 

It became apparent they didn’t have time to destroy the Alpha or the Omega, not with the resources they had. So a plan was devised that someone would take the Omega and flee, as without it the Alpha was mostly useless on its own. But the plan ended with giving Rex the Omega, as his connection to tech and the nanites meant he could hide it in him longer than anyone else could, and would head to the docking bay where Caesar would meet up with him to fly out. It was quite a harsh debate, wondering if it was a good idea to put Rex through this, even his parents hated to do this, but they couldn’t risk letting the world being controlled by these people. Van Kleiss and Circe were originally going to accompany Rex to the docking bay, as they had been planning to up and leave too, but a surprise attack from the soldiers caused everyone to split, including Rex with the Omega.

Distressed from everything, Rex finds himself stumbling his way around, unable to focus properly due to everything going on around him, and the effects of the Omega being inside him. He does run into a group of soldiers at one point, but he is let go by them when Ebony appears. The soldiers knew she was the spy and working with them, so when she ordered them to just let the kid by, not knowing what he was hiding, they let Rex go. Ebony supposes she did owe Rex after everything going on…

Van Kleiss and Rex’s parents get into an argument about all that happened, especially with how they involved Rex in everything and how this project went in the end. Van Kleiss leaves the room with his daughter, planning to run, when he is confronted by soldiers, who demand he open the door to where the Salazars were, or else they would kill him and his daughter. Van Kleiss ends up agreeing, despite how hard it was, and ends up letting them kill Rex’s parents as he tries to shelter Circe from everything. 

Caesar finds his way to the docking bay where his ship/mobile lab is, but sees no signs of his little brother. He looks around and sees and hears everything the Consortium has done to his home, work, friends and family...It makes him feel guilty and hurt for being so narrow-sighted, for actually thinking it was ok to let these people have control over the times. He wants to go back in to find his family, his brother, but he realises that with everything going on, the lab is about to explode. Due to all the gunfire, violence, scientists messing with machines and computers, and even Rex’s stress affecting the Omega which affects the nanites around him, everything was about to burst. With a heavy heart, Caesar flies off just as the labs explode, creating the nanite event. 

Some others managed to escape just before everything went off, including Ebony and some soldiers, but most others don’t survive. However...some were protected by nanites that infected them, as they begin to spread across the globe. Rex also survives thanks to his nanites and the Omega, but all the trauma and stress results in him losing his memories, as he couldn’t handle it, with the nanites wanting to erase it all as a means to ‘help’ Rex cope, in a way…

The mysterious nanite event in history has been marked down….

Post-Nanite Event

The entire world, of course, falls into a panic when people randomly begin turning into monsters after an unknown explosion occurred, the source of the mutations discovered to be tiny machines called nanites. Governments are quick to try and calm the public, and begin starting research on how to stop the nanites and cure those turning into creatures. But fear starts to take control of the world pretty quickly.

Broken from what happened, the small surviving members of the nanite project split off from each other. Peter Meechum returns to family life with his daughter, Rylander tries to confront the Consortium but ends up going on the run from them, having to abandoned his family to keep them safe, and Caesar goes into hiding, in despair over all that he’s lost, believing his parents and Rex to be dead. He isolates himself from the world, working on personal projects to distract himself over the years. 

Meanwhile, in Abysus, Van Kleiss discovers his connection to the lands and learns what the nanites are doing to the world. After everything he’s gone through in life, he starts to grow this odd idea that this is the next step in humanity, that it’s time to start fresh and starts his plans on making the entire world creatures like him. Slowly, he builds Abysus into a haven for those who have turned and are still sane, or are sane enough, Abysus turning into this strange yet beautiful overgrown jungle-like place. Circe stands by her father’s side, as he’s all she has left, even if, at times she grows doubtful of who her father is becoming.

Rex, however, wanders out of Abysus sometime after the nanite event, with no memories of what happened. He blacks in and out for the first few weeks, losing his memories over and over again due to the trauma of everything, his body and mind weak but slowly start to recover. But, every time he’s evolved in something highly dangerous he can’t handle, or is close to death, his nanites kick in and take control, kicking him alive until they find somewhere safe to change him back, but this results in him losing his memories again. The Omega, still inside him, slowly begins to evolve and connect with Rex in a deep way that does not notice for a long while, unaware of what’s inside him.

After a few months, Rex somehow finds himself in Hong Kong, first meeting and befriending Tuck. Tuck used to live with his father in an auto shop, but after some bad run-ins with some gangs, his father is killed and Tucks ran out onto the streets, eventually turning EVO. The two of them are picked up by Quarry, who has been making EVO gangs and sees potential in the two, especially Rex. Their team begins to grow when running into ‘Chen Tsui’, who they end up calling Cricket. She uses to be from quite a rich family, that sadly had high expectations for their image, and kicked Cricket out of their home when she turned EVO. Then they run into John Scarecrow, who had quite the sucky life before due to neglectful parents and bullying issues, and eventually ran away from home before turning EVO. Rex and Scarecrow end up butting heads alot. Finally, their last member is Walter Martin, who ends up getting the nickname Skywdd. His parents died when he was very young, and so he was raised by his loving grandmother, even when he turned EVO. However, she passed away one night and while Skywdd called to have the body removed and buried properly, he ran before anyone came as he knew him being EVO would cause problems. The five of them become quite the trouble-making team.

Meanwhile, Emiri’s family undergo many issues when their hometown is invaded by EVOs, the main one being an overgrowth of plants. Sadly, her adopted parents are killed, while she ends up turning EVO, her mind and memory becoming iffy, broken, now having powerful portal powers. She and her adopted sister, Mary, end up fleeing and have to survive on their own, Emiri soon going by the name Breach due to not properly remembering who she once was.

Governments around the world begin to put money towards creating a group called Providence, an anti-EVO force that not only removes and capture dangerous EVOs, but also research on finding a cure. The Consortium become key benefactors towards Providence, with no one knowing their true involvement with the nanites past. 

After her sister turns EVO, Holiday convinces them not to kill Beverly by helping and working at Providence, eventually working her way up to become the assistant to their leading scientist Doctor Fell, even if she doesn’t agree to their methods of research.

After some time, Rex starts to drift from his friends in Hong Kong, feeling this longing to be somewhere, to find out who he really is. He tosses around the idea, but after finding some clues that point him in the direction of America, Rex decides to hand over his leadership to Quarry. He hates to leave his friends behind, but due to some emotional manipulation from Quarry and Scarecrow, Rex truly believed it was the best thing for his friends, and that Quarry would protect them. But after he vanishes, Scarecrow pretends to be him for a voice recording, planning to blackmail him if he were to ever return.

The Six’s mostly tried not to get involved with the whole world burning due to the nanite event, but things take a turn when One turns EVO. The group splits, either continuing their mercenary lives, or to find One help. Six ends up joining Providence, after his old friend, Robinson White, convinces him to join the cause, especially when he mentions they’re looking for a cause. Six used to be one who didn’t care much about the life of others, he will admit, but after what happened to one and now actively helping people around the world...he does start to question how this war is affecting people, especially with them killing EVOs who use to be normal people.

While working at Providence, he ends up running into Holiday fairly soon. She catches his interest due to her speaking up about finding another way to look for a cure, even if Dr.Fell and White put her down. Six ends up agreeing with her, to her surprise, and a silent partnership begins to form between the two as they make plans to try something new. They just need something to work in their favour…

Then, one day, they are called to flush out a bunch of EVOs in a ruined city. Things are going normal for them, as normal as they can be, when reports of a mechanical EVO is seen running around, something that looks like a person wearing a parasitic robotic suit. Wild and dangerous. When the EVO shows itself, Holiday and Six are quick to realise that underneath the mutations, there is a young boy. They urge Providence not to attack him, but a twitchy soldier causes a fight to break out and the group is forced to split, with Six guiding Holiday away from the fight. But the two end up running into the strange tech EVO, though after some peaceful gestures, they actually get him to calm down, only for him to turn back into a young boy. Confused of course, they decide to try and take him back to Providence, only for them to learn three things. One, he has no memories beyond knowing his name, second, he is still EVO, and third, he can cure EVOs after saving Six from one.

Holiday and Six decide to keep him a secret for now, not trusting White and Dr.Fell with Rex. They plan to later move him somewhere safe, and for the next few days do their best to hide what Rex is, using the excuse of Holiday looking after him until he can maybe recover some memories.

Rex becomes a bit of a handful, due to his powers sometimes affecting the tech around him, befriending an EVO chimp called Bobo, and even getting scared when learning that Dr.Fell dissects and kills EVOs. However, despite how hard they tried, White does eventually learn what Rex is. White and Fell try to do to Rex what they’ve done to all the other EVOs, but a fight breaks out between them with Six and Holiday. After a brutal fight, it ends with White saving Six, him getting bleached with Nanites, but narrowly saved by Rex.

With the discovery of Rex becoming more open to their benefactors and governments, things change up in Providence. Holiday becomes the new leading scientist, Six becomes Rex’s mentor and partner, Dr.Fell is fired and White becomes the new leader of Providence due to being the one person who can’t turn EVO, now going by the name White Knight.

Meanwhile, the Consortium, knowing Rex’s old ties to the nanite event and where Providence is heading, decide to call in their old Spy, Ebony, to join Providence to keep an eye on things in the background. She agrees, them not knowing that she too is making her own plans when see where Providence is going.

Meanwhile, Abysus has grown to be quite the EVO community, many EVOs seeking refuge with Van Kleiss after he offered them shelter. His main group by his side is called The Pack, which consists of him, Biowulf, Skalamander, Breach and his daughter Circe. And yet, despite how pleased he is seeing his Kingdom grow, seeing the good he has provided for the outcasts like him, he still acts distant, not wanting to build up any more personal connections due to his bad history with them...Circe being the only person close enough to him, and yet even that is cracking. 

Found at the age 13, Rex begins to train for the next 3 years in secret from the public eye, becoming Providence’s secret weapon.

-Generator Rex Series-

Season 1

After training for 3 years, Rex ends up introducing himself to the world after a quite large EVO invades a town. Word spreads quickly through the media when learning what Providence has been hiding, and the reception is quite mixed. Some finally glad there is a somewhat cure and help, some terrified for hating the idea of having an EVO help, some thinking this will go down hill quickly, and some merely standing by to see what will happen. 

Rex has, unfortunately, become a bit of a rebel, as he is tired for hiding away all the time, curious about teenage life styles and wanting to feel more human. He does, after all, want to learn about his past and who he is. This results in him wandering off after a mission at one point, and running into a boy named Noah Nixon, the two bonding over some basketball, mostly because Noah didn’t know who Rex really was. Not until Six came to pick him up. However, this does cause White to take notice of Noah, seeing how he managed to get Rex to stay still for once, and reaches out an offer to help keep Rex in line, saying Noah will receive payment and help in the war. Noah ends up agreeing.

Word reaches out to Van Kleiss eventually, and he is surprised to learn that Rex is alive. He decides quickly that it would be a good idea to get Rex to join Abysus, as not only is he an EVO like them that suffers from negative gazes and comments from the general public, but also because he would be useful due to his EVO powers, Van Kleiss knowing he has the Omega in him. But there are hints that a part of Van Kleiss may or may not still care about Rex, but he mostly denies this. Other EVOs in Abysus are also eager to have him join, wanting to welcome their new members. So The Pack, minus Circe, does eventually snatch him away and offer him a chance to join Abysus, and Rex does get tempted, especially when Van Kleiss reveals he knows who Rex once was, but turns away when learning that Van Kleiss wishes to turn everyone EVO and fleds. Van Kleiss realises he’s gonna have to start pushing it if he’s going to get Rex to join.

However, a lot of what Van Kleiss and the other EVOs said does get to Rex, who starts butting heads with Providence more, especially after learning that his friend, Noah, was a spy for them all this time. While he and Noah do make up eventually, it’ll take some time before Rex starts to trust Providence again, especially with him and White often arguing at each other. Really, it’s mostly thanks to Six and Holiday that Rex hasn’t up and ditched Providence yet.

Circe does eventually run into Rex again, flabbergasted by the fact her childhood best friend his alive, and does yell at her father for not saying anything sooner. However, he convinces her to not tell Rex anything about the past, telling her they need him on their side and they must do what they can, even if they have to be harsh about it. Still caring for her father, and not having a backbone for herself, she does agree to help with him, often trying to convince Rex to join as she does feel like the world is unfair to EVOs like him, her and the others, but Rex often pulls away from her and instead tries to convince her to leave Abysus, noting that while Van Kleiss may think he’s doing the right thing, he’s clearly pushing everyone away out of fear, including his own daughter.

Rex also develops a secret friendship with Breach, after some mishaps of her kidnapping him, then the two of them saving each other at separate times, and Rex connecting with her when seeing there is more to Breach than a broken person.

Still being a spy unknown to Providence, Ebony starts pulling her strings her own way in secret, even anonymously reaching out to Van Kleiss to be a spy for him, doing her best to play all sides. 

Rex runs into his old Hong Kong friends, reconnecting with them and trying to help them deal with Quarry. There is an issue that splits him and the others when Quarry tells them Rex was the one to ditch, along with playing the voice recording. But Rex eventually comes back to help them, while also learning that Scarecrow tried setting him up, mostly because Scarecrow thought it was unfair that Rex gets to forget everything bad he’s done or gone through, and gets to ditch everyone behind to get what he wants. Eventually, Quarry is captured, while Scarecrow runs off, and Rex and his friends reconnecting once more.

Eventually, Rylander is found, still having been running from the Consortium all this time. However, he’s not quite himself, under a lot of stress after what happened, and doesn’t tell much to Rex before he’s killed by mistake during a brief scuffle with Van Kleiss. However, Rex does know that he does have family out there, even a brother.

Eventually, Van Kleiss does strike Providence directly, and manages to swipe many of Rex’s own nanites, that not only improve his powers and keep his nanites stable, no longer dying when out of Abysus, but he also gains the power to turn people EVO. However, something happens to Rex with his small amount of remaining nanites, as if he’s body is under some kind of stress. It’s revealed that the Omega is inside him, and has upgraded his powers to defend him and fill him back up with his nanites, helping him win the day. Though Providence does need to go under some repairs. 

Season 2

Rex has become quite well-known by now, his public image not so great due to people’s fears towards EVOs, and people like Hunter Cain causing some uprising. So whenever Rex does hang out with Noah, he wears a ‘civilian’ outfit that Noah, Claire and Annie picked out for him. 

Meanwhile, Caesar, who has still been in hiding to this day, finally catches wind that his brother is alive, along with the Omega still being with him (Caesar hadn’t really been paying much attention to the news up until now.). He runs into Providence, finds his brother, and does try to leave, though Rex convinces him to just stay at Providence. Rex is excited to finally have family back and some connection to his past but...his brother wasn’t exactly what he was expecting, as Caesar, as much as his loves his family, does seem to often put his work first without realising it, and is more keen to create something to prove he can do it, rather than how it can benefit people or the consequences of it. But, he does try to connect with his little brother, even if it’s hard for the both of them. 

Rex’s EVOs powers start to develop more, in a noticeable way. Not only is he getting new builds, but his connection to nanites and tech become something more, even starting to get strange dreams from the nanites, as if they’re trying to warn him or tell him something. He is mostly use to this way of life, though it is strange for an outsider to see.

With Caesar back, Rex starts to get hints about the past, and not the good parts of it. This mostly comes from Caesar’s one off comments, but he’s mostly keeping things a secret for some reason, while Van Kleiss gives him hints and clues, even stating things for Rex that what happened in the past wasn’t happy, and that Rex’s dreams to have the family he wished for isn’t going to be what he wanted, especially since Caesar struggles with connecting and family life. It seems Caesar doesn’t want to tell Rex much, for fear of them growing more distant if Rex were to learn the truth about how distant and busy their family used to be in the past, especially between the two brothers, and exactly what went down to create the nanite event. 

Tired of waiting, Rex does start to call out people like Caesar and Van Kleiss here and there more often than he did before, and even starts snooping at times to find his own answers, but he doesn’t seem to dig up much.

Eventually, things come to a head between Providence and Abysus when Rex finally convinces Breach to leave the Pack, after seeing how harsher Van Kleiss has become, the man getting frustrated that things aren’t working out (Along with secretly trying harder to push away people he starting to get attached too). After a fight, including a point where Breach snaps and her powers go highwire, Rex manages to calm her and eventually Van Kleiss gives up and lets her go, calling her a traitor, becoming more aggressive due to his lack of control, along with parts of him not wanting to let go. 

Circe follows soon after, finally unable to take anymore of what her father is doing, leaving her for own sake, even if it’s hard for the both of them. Rex does his best to support her, and eventually takes her to live with the Hong Kong Gang, knowing they can help her and give her a home she deserves. 

After losing two key members of his team, Van Kleiss ends up recruiting Scarecrow to join The Pack, using the man’s shapeshifting ability to help him out many times. Van Kleiss is also becoming more desperate to reach his goal, becoming more snappy towards everyone, especially to those who try to reach out. Rex does call him out on this many times, but Van Kleiss just pushes him away in the end.

Eventually, Van Kleiss decides to take proper action, heading to purgatory, where Rex normally offloads his nanites. He activates them and plans to create another nanite event, one that will turn the majority of the world in EVOs this time, given there aren’t enough nanites there to change the entire world, but he was planning to deal with the rest later. The Pack and Abysus members protect him as he begins his plans, and by the time Providence can reach him, he’s already started the meltdown that can’t be stopped. But Rex decides to try something, planning to enter Purgatory and connect with the shield system, going to make it cover the entire building to contain the explosion, and hopefully if his nanites protect him, he will then proceed to shut down every single nanite that is let loss in the shield, even if it takes him weeks, months of even years to do stop, maybe even dying in the process. Of course, everyone tries to change his mind, not wanting to lose him, but they know it might be the only way. Rex does succeed in stopping another nanite event from happening, trapping him, the nanites and Van Kleiss, as he begins to shut down each nanite.

Season 3

Six months end up going by when Rex finally finishes, shutting down the shield with no more wild active nanites that could cause any harm to be set onto the world. He is quickly greeted by Providence soldiers who had been waiting at the sight, taking him and Van Kleiss to Providence. Van Kleiss is taken somewhere else, while Rex is taken to White Knight’s room, learning how long he’s been gone. However, he learns that someone else is in charge now, Ebony Hale, who now goes by Black Knight, who happily greets Rex back to Providence. There she explains that White Knight went rogue, while people like Six and Holiday left after losing Rex, and they don’t know where they’ve gone. Caesar and seemingly Bobo are still around, and Black Knight convinces Rex to take his old job back.

While working at the new Providence, Rex starts to learn a few things, including a little more about the original nanite project. Black Knight even shows him something they found while he was away, the Alpha nanite, which had been damaged during the nanite event, sending out signals that were causing the random mutations. It is in the process of being repaired, but they need the Omega to finally stop the mutation order and fix it completely soon. Something feels off to Rex, and he assumes right when Black Knight and Caesar suddenly turn on him, saying they just want to remove the Omega from him, but Rex doesn’t trust them, knowing something is wrong. A scuffle breaks out, and when Rex is knocked out, he is unknowingly saved by Six and Holiday, learning also that the Bobo at Providence is a fake and spy for them. 

Six, Holiday, Bobo and White update Rex on a few things that happened. They explained to him that the Consortium took control of Providence, claiming they failed too many times, putting Black Knight in charge. However, they learn what they’re really after is full control over the Alpha and all nanites in the world, and there are rumors of a project called ‘The Meta Nanites’ going around, though they don’t exactly know what they are. For now, Rex finds that him and his group have to be on the run and in hiding for a while now. He also learns that Providence is now mind controlling EVOs, presenting it as something good to the public, when really it’s something horrible in reality, hunting down any and all EVOs they find. 

Rex starts running into old friends and people, learning how things have changed. Circe and the Hong Kong Gang are on the run from Providence. Noah has to be careful as Black Knight knows of his connection towards Rex. Abysus is now run by Biowulf, who still had faith in what Van Kleiss built for them. Members of the old nanite project are being tracked down, along with any blueprints and info that could help fix the Alpha. Breach hopping around the place, helping EVOs get to Abysus where they can be safe from Providence. All a mess really, with Rex being the centre of it all due to him having the Omega.

Tensions are high between Rex and Caesar, as Rex is convinced that Caesar is helping them because he wants too, like in the past where he didn’t really care who had the nanites as long as he got to do the project. Caesar tries to explain things, but is still distance and lying, not telling the whole truth still.

Meanwhile, Van Kleiss refuses to help Black Knight or the Consortium, but after the fight in Abysus, they catch Circe, and use her as leverage to get Van Kleiss to help.

There is a brief time where Providence catches Rex, having Caesar make the Omega talk to them through Rex, planning to remove it from him with simple voice commands. But to everyone’s surprise the Omega has evolved quite a bit since they last saw it, the piece of tech deeply connected to Rex to the point it seems to only follow his command, wishing to protect “The Catalyst”, and is unable to be controlled by any member of the original project, taking control of Rex and helping him escape (With subtle help from both Van Kleiss and Rylander). 

The Consortium starts getting more involved personally, much to Black Knight's annoyance, but she still puts on a front to keep playing them and everyone else.

Eventually it is discovered that The Meta Nanite project is really just creating five different Omegas, so that each Consortium member can have one to control the Alpha and all nanites in the world. This is the main reason they keep trying to take the Omega from Rex, in hopes to clone it. 

After a partially bad battle, the Consortium and Black Knight eventually confront Rex, pushing him too far physically and emotionally which results in Rex accidently turning them EVO. The Consortium turned into a hybrid monster and Black Knight turning into an EVO that can turn solid and into a liquid form. Narrowly, Rex manages to escape, while Black Knight gets the Consortium under control, ‘promising’ them that they can be cured eventually. 

Things reach to a head when the final battle takes place, everyone aiming to get to the Alpha and taking the Omega first. Unfortunately, Black Knight and Consortium’s new forms provide an issue, especially when they also used mind control EVOs. However, Caesar ends up mildly sabotaging them, managing to free half of the EVOs before he is caught by Black Knight. He reveals he’s been playing them, as there was no way he was actually planning on helping the people who killed his family. Black Knight too reveals that she doesn’t want to help them either, instead was helping herself the entire time, and takes control of the operation and throws Caesar away.

Because half of the EVOs were freed, Van Kleiss joins the battle with any members of Abysus around, still wanting to create the EVO paradise they all wish for. This results in the fight being four ways, Abysus’s side, Providence’s side, the Consortium Side, and Black Knight’s side. Rex is caught in the middle of it, but after much growth with his nanites, he allows himself to go full EVO, even at risk of losing all his memories. The fight reaches the point where Rex, Black Knight, Van Kleiss, White Knight and the Consortium reaching the Alpha, all of them realising that Rex has full control of the situation and it’s his choice to make, each leader prompting him to follow their goals. After a long debate, Rex reaches for the Alpha and fixes it, now able to take full command over all nanites in the world. But instead of curing everything, turning everything, or mind controlling everyone, he merely stops the process of any new mutations from happening, though does cure people like Black Knight and the Consortium so they don’t become a problem again. Rex knows that he can’t make a sudden massive decision that will do something bad to the world, even curing it would create unwanted side effects. Instead, he wants to take the time to use the Alpha to cure/fix what needs to be fixed, but in a safe and slow manner. After all, what the nanites did to the world is not going to be an easy fix, and sadly some things are going to stay.

Black Knight and the Consortium are arrested, while Van Kleiss and members of Abysus flee back home, needing to make plans but...maybe willing to listen if Providence wants to make a deal. The Alpha is handed to Providence, with White Knight taking back charge, and begin making plans on how to set the world back to normal, or as normal as it can be, Rex still being the one to hold the Omega and able to control the Alpha. 

While not perfect, Caesar and Rex begin to try and patch things up, deciding it might be time to actually start being a family, though with people like Six, Holiday and Bobo also involved (And Six and Holiday would totally be dating at this point). 

Rex also reaches out to Van Kleiss, with the help of Circe who wants to reconnect with her dad, and while things aren’t good between any of them, there are hints it could be better in the future.

[a-room-of-my-own]

This isn’t an easy piece to write, for reasons that will shortly become clear, but I know it’s time to explain myself on an issue surrounded by toxicity. I write this without any desire to add to that toxicity.

For people who don’t know: last December I tweeted my support for Maya Forstater, a tax specialist who’d lost her job for what were deemed ‘transphobic’ tweets. She took her case to an employment tribunal, asking the judge to rule on whether a philosophical belief that sex is determined by biology is protected in law. Judge Tayler ruled that it wasn’t.

My interest in trans issues pre-dated Maya’s case by almost two years, during which I followed the debate around the concept of gender identity closely. I’ve met trans people, and read sundry books, blogs and articles by trans people, gender specialists, intersex people, psychologists, safeguarding experts, social workers and doctors, and followed the discourse online and in traditional media. On one level, my interest in this issue has been professional, because I’m writing a crime series, set in the present day, and my fictional female detective is of an age to be interested in, and affected by, these issues herself, but on another, it’s intensely personal, as I’m about to explain.

All the time I’ve been researching and learning, accusations and threats from trans activists have been bubbling in my Twitter timeline. This was initially triggered by a ‘like’. When I started taking an interest in gender identity and transgender matters, I began screenshotting comments that interested me, as a way of reminding myself what I might want to research later. On one occasion, I absent-mindedly ‘liked’ instead of screenshotting. That single ‘like’ was deemed evidence of wrongthink, and a persistent low level of harassment began.

Months later, I compounded my accidental ‘like’ crime by following Magdalen Burns on Twitter. Magdalen was an immensely brave young feminist and lesbian who was dying of an aggressive brain tumour. I followed her because I wanted to contact her directly, which I succeeded in doing. However, as Magdalen was a great believer in the importance of biological sex, and didn’t believe lesbians should be called bigots for not dating trans women with penises, dots were joined in the heads of twitter trans activists, and the level of social media abuse increased.

I mention all this only to explain that I knew perfectly well what was going to happen when I supported Maya. I must have been on my fourth or fifth cancellation by then. I expected the threats of violence, to be told I was literally killing trans people with my hate, to be called cunt and bitch and, of course, for my books to be burned, although one particularly abusive man told me he’d composted them.

What I didn’t expect in the aftermath of my cancellation was the avalanche of emails and letters that came showering down upon me, the overwhelming majority of which were positive, grateful and supportive. They came from a cross-section of kind, empathetic and intelligent people, some of them working in fields dealing with gender dysphoria and trans people, who’re all deeply concerned about the way a socio-political concept is influencing politics, medical practice and safeguarding. They’re worried about the dangers to young people, gay people and about the erosion of women’s and girl’s rights. Above all, they’re worried about a climate of fear that serves nobody – least of all trans youth – well.

I’d stepped back from Twitter for many months both before and after tweeting support for Maya, because I knew it was doing nothing good for my mental health. I only returned because I wanted to share a free children’s book during the pandemic. Immediately, activists who clearly believe themselves to be good, kind and progressive people swarmed back into my timeline, assuming a right to police my speech, accuse me of hatred, call me misogynistic slurs and, above all – as every woman involved in this debate will know – TERF.

If you didn’t already know – and why should you? – ‘TERF’ is an acronym coined by trans activists, which stands for Trans-Exclusionary Radical Feminist. In practice, a huge and diverse cross-section of women are currently being called TERFs and the vast majority have never been radical feminists. Examples of so-called TERFs range from the mother of a gay child who was afraid their child wanted to transition to escape homophobic bullying, to a hitherto totally unfeminist older lady who’s vowed never to visit Marks & Spencer again because they’re allowing any man who says they identify as a woman into the women’s changing rooms. Ironically, radical feminists aren’t even trans-exclusionary – they include trans men in their feminism, because they were born women.

But accusations of TERFery have been sufficient to intimidate many people, institutions and organisations I once admired, who’re cowering before the tactics of the playground. ‘They’ll call us transphobic!’ ‘They’ll say I hate trans people!’ What next, they’ll say you’ve got fleas? Speaking as a biological woman, a lot of people in positions of power really need to grow a pair (which is doubtless literally possible, according to the kind of people who argue that clownfish prove humans aren’t a dimorphic species).

So why am I doing this? Why speak up? Why not quietly do my research and keep my head down?

Well, I’ve got five reasons for being worried about the new trans activism, and deciding I need to speak up.

Firstly, I have a charitable trust that focuses on alleviating social deprivation in Scotland, with a particular emphasis on women and children. Among other things, my trust supports projects for female prisoners and for survivors of domestic and sexual abuse. I also fund medical research into MS, a disease that behaves very differently in men and women. It’s been clear to me for a while that the new trans activism is having (or is likely to have, if all its demands are met) a significant impact on many of the causes I support, because it’s pushing to erode the legal definition of sex and replace it with gender.

The second reason is that I’m an ex-teacher and the founder of a children’s charity, which gives me an interest in both education and safeguarding. Like many others, I have deep concerns about the effect the trans rights movement is having on both.

The third is that, as a much-banned author, I’m interested in freedom of speech and have publicly defended it, even unto Donald Trump.

The fourth is where things start to get truly personal. I’m concerned about the huge explosion in young women wishing to transition and also about the increasing numbers who seem to be detransitioning (returning to their original sex), because they regret taking steps that have, in some cases, altered their bodies irrevocably, and taken away their fertility. Some say they decided to transition after realising they were same-sex attracted, and that transitioning was partly driven by homophobia, either in society or in their families.

Most people probably aren’t aware – I certainly wasn’t, until I started researching this issue properly – that ten years ago, the majority of people wanting to transition to the opposite sex were male. That ratio has now reversed. The UK has experienced a 4400% increase in girls being referred for transitioning treatment. Autistic girls are hugely overrepresented in their numbers.

The same phenomenon has been seen in the US. In 2018, American physician and researcher Lisa Littman set out to explore it. In an interview, she said:

‘Parents online were describing a very unusual pattern of transgender-identification where multiple friends and even entire friend groups became transgender-identified at the same time. I would have been remiss had I not considered social contagion and peer influences as potential factors.’

Littman mentioned Tumblr, Reddit, Instagram and YouTube as contributing factors to Rapid Onset Gender Dysphoria, where she believes that in the realm of transgender identification ‘youth have created particularly insular echo chambers.’

Her paper caused a furore. She was accused of bias and of spreading misinformation about transgender people, subjected to a tsunami of abuse and a concerted campaign to discredit both her and her work. The journal took the paper offline and re-reviewed it before republishing it. However, her career took a similar hit to that suffered by Maya Forstater. Lisa Littman had dared challenge one of the central tenets of trans activism, which is that a person’s gender identity is innate, like sexual orientation. Nobody, the activists insisted, could ever be persuaded into being trans.

The argument of many current trans activists is that if you don’t let a gender dysphoric teenager transition, they will kill themselves. In an article explaining why he resigned from the Tavistock (an NHS gender clinic in England) psychiatrist Marcus Evans stated that claims that children will kill themselves if not permitted to transition do not ‘align substantially with any robust data or studies in this area. Nor do they align with the cases I have encountered over decades as a psychotherapist.’

The writings of young trans men reveal a group of notably sensitive and clever people. The more of their accounts of gender dysphoria I’ve read, with their insightful descriptions of anxiety, dissociation, eating disorders, self-harm and self-hatred, the more I’ve wondered whether, if I’d been born 30 years later, I too might have tried to transition. The allure of escaping womanhood would have been huge. I struggled with severe OCD as a teenager. If I’d found community and sympathy online that I couldn’t find in my immediate environment, I believe I could have been persuaded to turn myself into the son my father had openly said he’d have preferred.

When I read about the theory of gender identity, I remember how mentally sexless I felt in youth. I remember Colette’s description of herself as a ‘mental hermaphrodite’ and Simone de Beauvoir’s words: ‘It is perfectly natural for the future woman to feel indignant at the limitations posed upon her by her sex. The real question is not why she should reject them: the problem is rather to understand why she accepts them.’

As I didn’t have a realistic possibility of becoming a man back in the 1980s, it had to be books and music that got me through both my mental health issues and the sexualised scrutiny and judgement that sets so many girls to war against their bodies in their teens. Fortunately for me, I found my own sense of otherness, and my ambivalence about being a woman, reflected in the work of female writers and musicians who reassured me that, in spite of everything a sexist world tries to throw at the female-bodied, it’s fine not to feel pink, frilly and compliant inside your own head; it’s OK to feel confused, dark, both sexual and non-sexual, unsure of what or who you are.

I want to be very clear here: I know transition will be a solution for some gender dysphoric people, although I’m also aware through extensive research that studies have consistently shown that between 60-90% of gender dysphoric teens will grow out of their dysphoria. Again and again I’ve been told to ‘just meet some trans people.’ I have: in addition to a few younger people, who were all adorable, I happen to know a self-described transsexual woman who’s older than I am and wonderful. Although she’s open about her past as a gay man, I’ve always found it hard to think of her as anything other than a woman, and I believe (and certainly hope) she’s completely happy to have transitioned. Being older, though, she went through a long and rigorous process of evaluation, psychotherapy and staged transformation. The current explosion of trans activism is urging a removal of almost all the robust systems through which candidates for sex reassignment were once required to pass. A man who intends to have no surgery and take no hormones may now secure himself a Gender Recognition Certificate and be a woman in the sight of the law. Many people aren’t aware of this.

We’re living through the most misogynistic period I’ve experienced. Back in the 80s, I imagined that my future daughters, should I have any, would have it far better than I ever did, but between the backlash against feminism and a porn-saturated online culture, I believe things have got significantly worse for girls. Never have I seen women denigrated and dehumanised to the extent they are now. From the leader of the free world’s long history of sexual assault accusations and his proud boast of ‘grabbing them by the pussy’, to the incel (‘involuntarily celibate’) movement that rages against women who won’t give them sex, to the trans activists who declare that TERFs need punching and re-educating, men across the political spectrum seem to agree: women are asking for trouble. Everywhere, women are being told to shut up and sit down, or else.

I’ve read all the arguments about femaleness not residing in the sexed body, and the assertions that biological women don’t have common experiences, and I find them, too, deeply misogynistic and regressive. It’s also clear that one of the objectives of denying the importance of sex is to erode what some seem to see as the cruelly segregationist idea of women having their own biological realities or – just as threatening – unifying realities that make them a cohesive political class. The hundreds of emails I’ve received in the last few days prove this erosion concerns many others just as much. It isn’t enough for women to be trans allies. Women must accept and admit that there is no material difference between trans women and themselves.

But, as many women have said before me, ‘woman’ is not a costume. ‘Woman’ is not an idea in a man’s head. ‘Woman’ is not a pink brain, a liking for Jimmy Choos or any of the other sexist ideas now somehow touted as progressive. Moreover, the ‘inclusive’ language that calls female people ‘menstruators’ and ‘people with vulvas’ strikes many women as dehumanising and demeaning. I understand why trans activists consider this language to be appropriate and kind, but for those of us who’ve had degrading slurs spat at us by violent men, it’s not neutral, it’s hostile and alienating.

Which brings me to the fifth reason I’m deeply concerned about the consequences of the current trans activism.

I’ve been in the public eye now for over twenty years and have never talked publicly about being a domestic abuse and sexual assault survivor. This isn’t because I’m ashamed those things happened to me, but because they’re traumatic to revisit and remember. I also feel protective of my daughter from my first marriage. I didn’t want to claim sole ownership of a story that belongs to her, too. However, a short while ago, I asked her how she’d feel if I were publicly honest about that part of my life, and she encouraged me to go ahead.

I’m mentioning these things now not in an attempt to garner sympathy, but out of solidarity with the huge numbers of women who have histories like mine, who’ve been slurred as bigots for having concerns around single-sex spaces.

I managed to escape my first violent marriage with some difficulty, but I’m now married to a truly good and principled man, safe and secure in ways I never in a million years expected to be. However, the scars left by violence and sexual assault don’t disappear, no matter how loved you are, and no matter how much money you’ve made. My perennial jumpiness is a family joke – and even I know it’s funny – but I pray my daughters never have the same reasons I do for hating sudden loud noises, or finding people behind me when I haven’t heard them approaching.

If you could come inside my head and understand what I feel when I read about a trans woman dying at the hands of a violent man, you’d find solidarity and kinship. I have a visceral sense of the terror in which those trans women will have spent their last seconds on earth, because I too have known moments of blind fear when I realised that the only thing keeping me alive was the shaky self-restraint of my attacker.

I believe the majority of trans-identified people not only pose zero threat to others, but are vulnerable for all the reasons I’ve outlined. Trans people need and deserve protection. Like women, they’re most likely to be killed by sexual partners. Trans women who work in the sex industry, particularly trans women of colour, are at particular risk. Like every other domestic abuse and sexual assault survivor I know, I feel nothing but empathy and solidarity with trans women who’ve been abused by men.

So I want trans women to be safe. At the same time, I do not want to make natal girls and women less safe. When you throw open the doors of bathrooms and changing rooms to any man who believes or feels he’s a woman – and, as I’ve said, gender confirmation certificates may now be granted without any need for surgery or hormones – then you open the door to any and all men who wish to come inside. That is the simple truth.

On Saturday morning, I read that the Scottish government is proceeding with its controversial gender recognition plans, which will in effect mean that all a man needs to ‘become a woman’ is to say he’s one. To use a very contemporary word, I was ‘triggered’. Ground down by the relentless attacks from trans activists on social media, when I was only there to give children feedback about pictures they’d drawn for my book under lockdown, I spent much of Saturday in a very dark place inside my head, as memories of a serious sexual assault I suffered in my twenties recurred on a loop. That assault happened at a time and in a space where I was vulnerable, and a man capitalised on an opportunity. I couldn’t shut out those memories and I was finding it hard to contain my anger and disappointment about the way I believe my government is playing fast and loose with womens and girls’ safety.

Late on Saturday evening, scrolling through children’s pictures before I went to bed, I forgot the first rule of Twitter – never, ever expect a nuanced conversation – and reacted to what I felt was degrading language about women. I spoke up about the importance of sex and have been paying the price ever since. I was transphobic, I was a cunt, a bitch, a TERF, I deserved cancelling, punching and death. You are Voldemort said one person, clearly feeling this was the only language I’d understand.

It would be so much easier to tweet the approved hashtags – because of course trans rights are human rights and of course trans lives matter – scoop up the woke cookies and bask in a virtue-signalling afterglow. There’s joy, relief and safety in conformity. As Simone de Beauvoir also wrote, “… without a doubt it is more comfortable to endure blind bondage than to work for one’s liberation; the dead, too, are better suited to the earth than the living.”

Huge numbers of women are justifiably terrified by the trans activists; I know this because so many have got in touch with me to tell their stories. They’re afraid of doxxing, of losing their jobs or their livelihoods, and of violence.

But endlessly unpleasant as its constant targeting of me has been, I refuse to bow down to a movement that I believe is doing demonstrable harm in seeking to erode ‘woman’ as a political and biological class and offering cover to predators like few before it. I stand alongside the brave women and men, gay, straight and trans, who’re standing up for freedom of speech and thought, and for the rights and safety of some of the most vulnerable in our society: young gay kids, fragile teenagers, and women who’re reliant on and wish to retain their single sex spaces. Polls show those women are in the vast majority, and exclude only those privileged or lucky enough never to have come up against male violence or sexual assault, and who’ve never troubled to educate themselves on how prevalent it is.

The one thing that gives me hope is that the women who can protest and organise, are doing so, and they have some truly decent men and trans people alongside them. Political parties seeking to appease the loudest voices in this debate are ignoring women’s concerns at their peril. In the UK, women are reaching out to each other across party lines, concerned about the erosion of their hard-won rights and widespread intimidation. None of the gender critical women I’ve talked to hates trans people; on the contrary. Many of them became interested in this issue in the first place out of concern for trans youth, and they’re hugely sympathetic towards trans adults who simply want to live their lives, but who’re facing a backlash for a brand of activism they don’t endorse. The supreme irony is that the attempt to silence women with the word ‘TERF’ may have pushed more young women towards radical feminism than the movement’s seen in decades.

The last thing I want to say is this. I haven’t written this essay in the hope that anybody will get out a violin for me, not even a teeny-weeny one. I’m extraordinarily fortunate; I’m a survivor, certainly not a victim. I’ve only mentioned my past because, like every other human being on this planet, I have a complex backstory, which shapes my fears, my interests and my opinions. I never forget that inner complexity when I’m creating a fictional character and I certainly never forget it when it comes to trans people.

All I’m asking – all I want – is for similar empathy, similar understanding, to be extended to the many millions of women whose sole crime is wanting their concerns to be heard without receiving threats and abuse.

[nightwingmyboi]

I have a massive amount of questions and hopefully you can answer them all. I wont ask all at once but first question. Dick and Tarantula. I know kinda what happens but like... All the titans took her side? Who were the titans and how did they react?

Alright, always happy to help out. Feel free to fire away! To start...I believe you’re thinking about Mirage, not Tarantula. 

Everything with Tarantula occurred in Bludhaven when Dick wasn’t currently working with the Titans. Dick hasn’t ever talked about what happened with Tarantula to anyone, so it’s likely that the Titans have no idea that anything ever happened...the only people who would have an inkling of what went down would probably be Bruce (who after the fact yelled at Dick to stop being suicidal and never looked into the matter further) and Barbara (who broke up with Dick...after seeing Tarantula force herself on him and knee him in the groin...okay). Yeah that’s a whole other issue :/ 

But I’ll explain the situation with Mirage instead. To set the scene: Dick was on the “New Titans” team, which included: Starfire, Beastboy/Changeling, Red Star, Donna Troy, and Pantha. Mirage came from an evil alternate future timeline, and in that timeline she was romantically involved with a version of Dick Grayson, later known as “Deathwing.” Because of this, she is obsessed with Dick and is convinced that they belong together. She’s come back with the rest of the “Team Titans” to the past to kill Donna Troy in order to stop her son from ruling over the world as a dictator. For some reason, she accomplishes this plan...by kidnapping Starfire, replacing her, and tricking Dick into having sex. Yeah, the plot is convoluted as hell. No time to unpack all that! 

Deathstroke (1991) #14

The team discovers that there is an imposter when Kory manages to break free of her imprisonment and escape. Dick realizes that he was manipulated into having sex with a stranger. Instead of Kory and Dick being able to talk about it alone, Pantha spills the beans in front of the whole team (sans Donna) and fuels the fire with several horrible, crude comments. 

The New Titans (1988) #90

“Details! From ten to one--how did she score compared to this one?”

Though Mirage had them all fooled, Pantha says that, seeing as Dick slept with her, he definitely should have been able to realize that she was phony. No one on the team comes to Dick’s defense or tries to shift the blame from Dick’s shoulders. Kory’s a bit pissed as well. She’s had a pretty bad couple of days. She wants an explanation from Dick, but Pantha can’t freaking shut up for five seconds so that he can give her one. 

Also, note the comments about how Dick’s hair has changed? And about “Starfire’s” new costume? I’m going to quickly side track to explain just how terrible Mirage is. 

The New Titans #88

So, while she was disguised as Kory, Mirage pushed Dick into changing his costume and cutting his hair into a mullet. Dick didn’t want to, especially because his discowing costume had huge sentimental value seeing as he’d modeled the look after his dead parent’s circus outfits, but “Kory” kept pestering him. He trusted his girlfriend, so Dick eventually agreed to follow what he thought was her lead. 

I can’t get over how horrible that is...that Dick’s rapist tried to own Dick’s body to the extent that manipulating him into having sex wasn’t enough, that she abused his trust to change his appearance to suit her needs too, specifically altering him in ways he wasn’t comfortable with. It’s disgusting, I don’t know why it’s so often glossed over, and it really gives a whole new reason to hate “Mulletwing.” And Nightwing’s not the only one whose bodily autonomy is completely thrown out the window.

The New Titans #93

When Mirage was disguised as Kory, she went around and did a bunch of porno, nude photoshoots. I don’t think I have to explain how awful it is that Kory’s appearance was used like this without her consent, especially in such a public way (people were literally stopping her in the streets to talk about it and she was invited onto a news show). Kory is rightfully pissed. Mirage also changes Starfire’s costume as well, to have big cut-outs on the sides. 

Mirage is absolutely horrible. Cannot say that enough.  

Back on the plot: Dick and Kory still have a lot to talk out, but they are on a mission to save Donna, so both of them put their feelings aside for now to help their friend. Later, while Starfire is busy chasing Donna in space, Nightwing runs into Mirage, and she reveals that she was the imposter. 

Team Titans #2

DICK YOU SLUT! So tell me, who was better? Huh? Huh? Huh? 

Mirage laughs about raping Nightwing with zero remorse. Pantha calls Dick a slut and once again asks who is better. Also like last time, the rest of the team (sans Donna) is standing right there...and doesn’t care or help him out at all. 

Dick is forced to put his feelings aside once again to deal with the threat to Earth. This means working with Mirage to the point where she is just...part of the team for some reason? My reaction is pretty in line with Kory’s here: 

Despite Kory’s protest, Dick focuses on the mission, and says that they need the manpower and the knowledge of the future that the Team Titans (including Mirage) have in order to defeat Donna and her son (long story, just ignore the plot honestly). But really, they need Mirage...so that she can cause unnecessary, contrived drama between Dick and Kory. 

I’m just going to say it: Kory and Dick are both pretty wildly out of character. Putting aside how stupid and cliché this plot is in the first place, Dick lets Mirage get away with way too much crap, when he’s always been very up front about dealing with bullshit in the past. One of the absolute worst things about having Mirage stick around (and at one point literally go on vacation with the Titans) is how she just keeps acting like her and Dick are together. It’s gross and Dick needed and usually would have put his freaking foot down about it. They also have Kory flipping from acknowledging that Mirage tricked Dick and is at fault for what happened: 

Team Titans #2

The New Titans (1988) #90

To having her think that Dick genuinely...loved Mirage and would rather be with her? And blaming Dick for being tricked? Even though Dick and Kory are both victims here? 

The New Titans (1988) #90

The New Titans (1988) #97

Starfire has an incredibly high EQ. She and Dick have always been very communicative. To see her completely unwilling to hear him out (and blame him for being raped) is shocking. She acts like an immature teenager, changing her mind all the time and then storming off to go party with random guys in clubs for the next couple days. She has zero of her previously demonstrated emotional maturity and trust. Meanwhile, just as Dick loses his girlfriend, he also loses his apartment, and, to top it all off, Roy swings by to tell Dick that the government is going to shut down the Titans because of all the property damage that happened in their last fight. Nightwing literally can never catch a break. 

The New Titans (1988) #99

Eventually, the two do make up...and Dick immediately proposes to Kory out of nowhere. She accepts, despite being pissed moments before. They have a wedding the next issue, but it is interrupted by villains from the alternate timeline, including an evil Raven and Deathwing. Afterwards, Dick and Kory’s relationship is never quite the same. 

Seeing Dick and Starfire’s relationship sour, when it was built up over so many years of comics (and with neither of them truly being at fault for the split), is freaking depressing. And Mirage never does get punished really...I’m pretty sure she’s even part of the honor guard that escorts Superman’s body to his tomb when he dies, which is dumb as hell. But that’s how it all went down. 

Just to clarify, since you specifically asked how the team reacted, I kept saying “(sans Donna)” because while most of this was going on Donna was a) giving birth or b) going crazy with power. Later, Donna is shown to know about what happened with Mirage, but she doesn’t really give it much thought. She does comment that Dick is acting strangely and she’s concerned about him, but she also doesn’t seem to connect the obvious dots that Dick is acting off...because he’s still shaken about being raped and tricked. Roy also appears later on to lead the Titans. Mirage is a member of that group, and Roy isn’t really shown to have any strong feelings about it. 

Honestly, I wouldn’t say that the Titans “took Mirage’s side” as you describe. Pretty sure none of them liked Mirage. But, they didn’t stand up for Dick, certainly. There was a lot of victim blaming. Dick’s rape wasn’t given the narrative weight that it deserved, probably due to the time period the comic was made. His teammates mostly didn’t care enough to take sides, used him being raped as a joke, or blamed him for being tricked. 

The whole story arc is convoluted, the characterizations are terrible, and overall it just sucks that this was written.