#it would certainly make me very happy :]
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how do u imagine natasha + sampo’s relationship?
I. Feel a little bad for leaving this in my inbox as long as I did, especially since I said in this post I could write a whole essay on them. But then when I tried to actually answer this, I realized ah shit, I can't really articulate what I think of them at all OTL
(so have a bajillion words of meta analysis of them instead fklajklasjf)
Just! Sampo is very mysterious figure, and we know so little of his background and his motivations! So it's really difficult to get a solid read on some of his relationships with other characters. Regardless, I do think that Natasha is perhaps the one he's closest with, and that she is the one person who knows him the most intimately in all of Belobog.
And a lot of it IS hard to pin down because of Sampo's slippery nature, but also because it's like. If you look at just Natasha's dialogues about Sampo, it doesn't really look like much. It only becomes more meaningful when compared to how everyone else talks about him.
Most other characters just comment on what Sampo does, as in his observable actions that are easy to see on the surface or from a distance.
Natasha is one of the very, very few that actually speaks to Sampo's personality or philosophy. Like she not only is able to describe a certain behavior of his, but she's able to explain the why behind it.
At least part of this is probably that they spend so much time together- Hook even comments on it during her companion quest.
And tbh I don't really think it needs more proof or anything with such a flat out statement like that, but this is actually further supported by the fact that Seele is the only other character in Belobog to sorta-kinda comment on Sampo's personality; if Sampo were hanging around the clinic with Natasha all day, Seele would probably be the person he would see second-most there. Of the dialogues posted further up in this post, Hook obviously sees him all the time, but it's not always in the clinic, and besides she's still very young...she wouldn't have the same read on him an adult would. Luka avoids the clinic whenever he can because he's worried about taking up Natasha's valuable time. And the Landau siblings aren't even present in Boulder Town until after the Stellaron is quieted.
Seele, on the other hand, is extremely loyal and devoted to Natasha, and seems to worry about her a lot. She doesn't have the same reservations as Luka, and it would feel right to see her in the clinic frequently, taking orders and missions and trying to make sure Natasha doesn't run herself in the ground. So it would make sense for her to see a lot of Sampo if he's always in there, too, enough that she would have things to say about his personality, whether she likes that or not haha.
Of course we know from Sampo's lines that it's not that he's sick, he's just reporting back to Natasha. Sampo not only smuggles in supplies across the border like what most people know him for, he's also Natasha's source of intel.
Bringing back intel doesn't necessarily have to involve a lot of conversation though, especially because it would make more sense for Sampo to be turning in written reports. It decreases the chance of Natasha mishearing/misunderstanding something or having to rely on memory alone, neither of which are really things you probably want to be doing when bad intel can mean the difference between life and death in her circumstances. So I do really wonder what it is Sampo does in the clinic all day haha. Given that he's a big believer in the power of small talk bringing in big clients, it's entirely possible Sampo is just in there being chatty, happily making conversation and keeping Natasha company most of the time...which is kinda cute. He also really could just be talking shop, too, of course- Sampo does a lot of work for Natasha, and I don't think it'd be a stretch to assume she's his main client. There's probably a lot to discuss about supply quotas, incoming intel, scheduled drops, etc.
My favorite option, though, is actually based on one of Sampo's options from the main quest, where he says:
Because like! The way he says this, the way he specifies that this is his opinion, but no one seems to care what he thinks? And how he calls them stubborn in particular? It really sounds like Sampo has been trying to get Wildfire to operate in a different direction. And if you look up the exact definition of "artless," you get this
which very much fits Sampo, and how he does things. He has guile and deception down to an art form. Sampo goes on to call Wildfire "do-gooders," but then cautions the trailblazer not to underestimate them because of that- indicating that Sampo sees that type of philosophy as something naive, or at least just ineffective. Something that you would underestimate a person for.
And the person Sampo associates with the most in Wildfire, the one he's always seen with, the one who would hold the most sway to change the modus operandi of the organization is...Natasha.
So I wonder if Sampo has been trying, possibly for years now, to get Natasha to see what he thinks of as reason, and start playing dirty to survive. I wonder if that's what he spends so much time in the clinic for, is because he does care, and he wants her and the rest of them to live, and he has been trying to convince her to go with his way of doing things, but Natasha has been refusing him, refusing to compromise her morals.
Because we know from some readables and from the general Vibe, both up on the surface and down below, that things were getting pretty dire. Rivet Town has fallen. The Silvermane Guards are being whittled down and broken. The Fragmentum was right on everyone's doorstep, and I'm sure that if the Astral Express hadn't arrived- and that if Sampo hadn't set the stage so perfectly, if he hadn't played his part just so- then all of Belobog would have eventually been snuffed out. Sampo had to have known it was happening. He must have known the end was upon them.
He doesn't even have a stake in Belobog- he's not from here. He could, assumingly, call it quits and leave when shit got tough by whatever means got him there in the first place.
And I'm sure Sampo wants to save all of Belobog, but I think he's particularly endeared by Natasha. He famously phrases his view of Elation as "true happiness always entails the manifestation of the dignity of mankind." And like. Who else embodies that so much as her?
Maybe it is a little vague and up to interpretation, but I feel like Natasha is FULL of that kind of dignity. She has been doing this since before the blockade. She willingly chose to stay in the Underground where she could do the most good. She has seen so, so much death and you can see how it weighs on her; she's become bitter, and wary, and weary. She has it out for the Guards (understandable), and she openly taunts Gepard and goes right for his throat when he shows up in Boulder Town, ten years too late, trying to help with the Fragmentum.
Natasha even seems to have given up any belief she may have once had. She's completely lost faith in Qlipoth.
All of this, and yet she still chooses to be kind. She still chooses to help people. There is something immensely admirable in all of that.
And I feel like you can see how much Sampo admires her in just how often he thinks of her, especially when someone needs help. Sampo smokebombs everyone and needs to get them somewhere safe in the Underground? He takes them to Natasha. Svarog is about to fucking kill everyone? Go get Natasha. He finds the trailblazer passed out in an alleyway? He carries them to Natasha. The trailblazer is seeing weird shit out in the Fragmentum? Recommend they go get a check up. Specifically from Natasha.
It's a little silly, but I think you can also see some of this when Sampo is being melodramatic about being caught red-handed in the museum event. He echoes a very important sentiment to Natasha and Wildfire;
And the mission where this ideology was displayed strongest was titled, "To Rot or To Burn."
(Hell, in the dream sequence of Penacony- regardless of whether that dream bubble came from Sampo or Sparkle, it had to be informed by Sampo's tales of Belobog. Sparkle has never been there herself. And the kind trashcan that immediately helps you and sets you on the right path, that tries to rally everyone together, the only one with a name so clearly and obviously taken from someone Sampo knew in Belobog? Is Shatana- an anagram of Natasha. Even from a meta perspective, they have the same VA. No other trashcan there gets that treatment. None.)
I think they have the same goals, and even hold some of the same views. Natasha's are much more obvious, but still. Sampo says this about Belobog's circumstances:
And he says this as though it should be obvious common sense. That when things are rough, you share and make sure everyone has enough. I think they both share this belief, it's just that they disagree on how to go about making things even. Natasha believes in rallying people for the cause and giving as much of herself as she can to make up for whatever people lack. Sampo believes that if some dipshit with more money than what they need falls for his bullshit and he gets to spread it around? Well hey, that sounds like a whole lot of their own fault.
Natasha is definitely aware of this, and she has no problem threatening Sampo whenever she thinks he's stepping out of line.
She keeps him on a very short leash, which like. Yeah no that's valid fjkdlsajfdklj
Even so, the way she talks about him, like... Maybe it's just me, and my rose-colored glasses, but she doesn't seem to dislike him nearly as much as she could? She kind of just. Says these things as statements about him, without any real vitriol behind them. This is just kind of how he is. She even seems to have a sense of humor about it.
And again! She has so much more to say about him than almost any other character.
I'd like to think part of her...affection? of sorts? for him is simple camaraderie. Circumstances are dire. Past, present, and future are all bleak. Things like that deepen bonds with your foxhole buddies. Sampo is dependent on Natasha for work and pay and a place to get away from the Guards. Natasha is dependent on Sampo for food and medicine and life-saving supplies. They both heavily rely on each other in this harsh environment, and they have a really nice back-and-forth that I appreciate with how they help each other out by owing favors as payment.
And the other part, I'd like to think actually IS because she knows him very well- maybe not things like his past, but she knows some of his personality and beliefs, and finds them agreeable enough. She even has the audacity to call him a poor liar at one point- Sampo! Of all people! Known by someone well enough to be caught out as a poor liar! He's either intentionally leading her on and letting her think she's caught him, or Natasha just really is that good. Neither would surprise me tbh
I think Natasha is also just uniquely prepared to understand Sampo, and is able to see his better sides without letting her judgement be clouded by his slimy manner. She's able to appreciate that his actions ARE extremely helpful, regardless of how he does them.
Even as she acknowledges that he isn't always trustworthy, she does still choose to rely on him and give him chances. She was pleasantly surprised by him here, but she still chose to trust him with this in the first place. She never treats him harshly, and she never seems to bear any kind of grudge with him.
But my favorite example of Natasha being able to understand Sampo? My favorite is this. This one little throwaway line, that didn't even involve him, wasn't even about him. I feel like Natasha is capable of knowing and understanding Sampo on a deeper level than most people can, solely because of this.
She gets it.
(As a fun bonus: In the current trashcan event, there's a simple mechanic where you get one trial character for the initial battle. Then, for the harder stage, you get that same trial character, plus a couple of extras. This is true for every Proof- except for Sampo's. In his harder stage, you use Asta, Black Swan, and Luocha. But in his initial stage, in an event all about friendship and relationships...)
#honkai star rail#hsr#sampotasha#sampo koski#natasha harrower#hsr sampo#hsr natasha#I don't particularly see them as lovers...but given it's all about their relationship in canon I think it's ok to tag as ship yeah?#if any shippers would like to use this as fuel it would make me so so happy haha#I think their relationship is very difficult to pin down but like. there certainly is. something there.#Maybe...saying I see them as an artist and his muse is most correct?#I'm very sleepy rn and it's past my bedtime. I stayed up late to write this but I don't wanna pick it apart later so let's go!#Off with you! Post now!#I don't think I could articulate in any more if I tried anyway. they make my brain whir but it's like. a wordless whir.#I have a hard time putting words to them fjdkslajfkl#so yeah we'll go with that. an artist and his muse#I hope its. at least somewhat understandable orz#Sorry to the anon that asked this like months ago. I hope you see it somehow.#answer#anon
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oh god, i miss you (song/tl)
#kuwagami#cw nudity#lost judgment#kuwana jin#jin kuwana#yagami takayuki#takayuki yagami#judgment#jichanart#jichan'shandslipped#sorry for being so inconsistent tagging my suggestive content i'm still not really sure what the best way to do things would be#so here's the animated thing i mentioned working on#not my first time using csp animation tools but certainly my first time making something that looks so presentable#still very much a novice though#learnt a lot and still have a lot to learn#but very happy with this!#the moving parts aren't that complex. i tried to keep my plan strategic or it wouldn't get done#a lot of these frames i'm ehhhhh about but yknow sometimes you gotta settle and get the job done#and yeah! worth it! good job me!#anyway. i hear a breakup song. i call it kuwagami. nothing is new here
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It’s currently 3 am and I am being a silly little insomniac so fuck it send me an OC and an emoji and I will draw it
Probably
Eventually
#this is a cry for help I can’t sleep#/silly#also a reminder!!#despite how much I love him doc is not the only oc I have and yall can send me a request for any of the dudes I’ve posted so far#it would certainly make me very happy :]#(ps this doesn’t mean docs off the table completely I still love him dw)
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@remylong :
#newest broken telephone installment#the remy renaissance#or rather standard avvycc dms. broken telephone elements include ccsims designs of my old designs plus prev hp art plus the general sepia#of everything on fire. bonus to the chromatic aberration on hp it feels quite fitting (yknow bc the chorus behind his lines..) idk vibes#this colouring style is actl terribly fun i'm quite !!! about it. i'm also glad that I made reference sheets for them all long ago bc#otherwise i would have gone insane rrying to rmb them from scratch. lately despite the rainbow hp seems to overall be turquoise blue? which#is so fun compared to the more purple/ neutral blues and greys i have in mind for mark...#anyways doing well! getting back slowly into Making things again! having fun etc etc#have been in OC-land lately but nothing i'm ready to share yet haha#so occassional bit of fanart it is. i inexplicably want to draw hands now though i was walking back home#pondering my adamandi era (mad the most insane fanart i've ever made; no recollection of it now) and after enough mulling it over#it would be nice to return to it. don't think i'm as obsessed anymore but it's certainly not lacking in inspiration#ideas are there just havent reached the sweet spot where you get so taken by an idea you're compelled to turn it to reality#and i think itwould be fun. perhaps even gratifying to set wips to rest#so maybe. in the meantime px11 brokentelephone is sustaining my urge to make miscellaneous fanart haha#melliotverse so true. wonder why despite watching taopp i haven't been compelled to draw it but i get the inkling it's just that specific#aesthetic that doesn't do it for me. <blinks> it was very good and i enjoyed it immensely! i think i just surprised myself by being normal#about a musical for once. i think also bc irl i've been more Good Busy the drive to engage in fandom has dissipated somewhat..#so overall i think it's a good thing. just different. but then again this stretch of time is a transitory period for me so changing ought to#to be expected. ah well tldr don't overthink just do what sparks joy be happy? literally so lucky to be spoiled for choice wrt things#i want to do. so much to do and see and learn and time still to get to figure it all out!
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Did driving practice today. Actually did parallel parking practice this time, even tho I really didn't want to still. Finally got it into my head that I can maybe do this.
SO......
I have scheduled my driving test. For November 13th, 3 weeks from today.
#speculation nation#IM SO NERVOUSSSSS but i need to do it. i need to. worst case scenario i fail and have to try again another day.#i was actually gonna try to schedule for a week from today but they were full up for the next 2 weeks.#so. 3 weeks! my therapist is gonna be happy for me when i tell her haha#this is. something ive been avoiding for over 10 years now. but i decided at the start of this year that This would be my year.#Year Of Unfuck My Life. and im finally doing it. im going to finally get my license.#it's so. huge actually. a similar level of Holy Shit factor as me graduating.#which seems like an uneven comparison but honestly ive just been so so so scared of this driving test#an insurmountable obstacle bc i was stuck at school away from family to help me practice etc etc#very tied up with me being stuck at school for so long actually. the neverending purgatory of being Stuck In Place.#but my cousin lives closer to me now and hes been helping me out. and i am so very grateful.#augh augh augh augh. life is so busy and it feels like everything is happening at once AAAAAAAAAAAA#but im taking it all in stride. i am. oh god i might have to just practice and then take my audition video all on the same day.#bc i am too tired to deal with it rn and i have an exam tomorrow so idk if i can practice then. also i have to clean.#i will make it work. i will make something work. for the love of fucking god i will make it work.#no time to write barely any time to relax but thats okay i am Go Go Going and trying to keep enough time to sleep#(prior few nights being the..exception lol.)#i certainly wouldnt want to live this way for too long. but just a few more months. i can do it.#next semester hopefully wont be as busy. i'll have 3 hard classes but if im lucky they wont even have much homework.#i can do it. i can get through it. i will get my license in 3 weeks (manifesting) and i will get my own car.#i will find a new apartment to live in. i will Hopefully find a job.#within a year my life is going to be much much different.#my life is Already much much different than it was just a year ago. tho this year has been more... metamorphosis.#in a year's time. i will be 28 years old. and the pieces will Finally be falling into place (hopefully!!!!!)#for now. god i need to rest. will probably go to sleep early tonight. need to be rested for my exam tomorrow.#first tho i gotta shower and feed both me and the cats. yes.
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having loop and nameless bard interacting thoughts again. the rot
#they would. bond over so much#particularly i think over them thinking of themselves as irredeemable#but i also think theyd both manhandle each other out of those thoughts with the force of a semi truck#there’s no going back. let’s try to find a way forward#I ALSO THINK#that even though bard has a couple fifty walls up hed be Very Upfront with loop#you are my friend and i think of you very fondly. i will tell you as much as many times as it takes. you are worth every penny of my—#—attention because seeing you happy makes me happy. if anything were to happen to you id hit it with my lyre#yes this includes your bad thoughts direct me towards them >:(#loop trying to hold back the biggest sob of their life: i don’t think that’s possible#bard feels like the kind of person to just straight up tell you what he thinks. it does take a few weeks of further warming up but#it will be done !!#also been thinking of the very silly image of both of them declaring themselves atheists despite the fact that they Are Very Aware that#otherworldly beings exist and listen#just to spite them.#would loop try to get bard to help them successfully tell the change god and maybe universe to fuck off#bard voice hm. if there is a will there is a way !!! it certainly cannot be harder than actively overthrowing them no#loop voice Repeat That Last Part ?#would there also be any impulse control between them . or would it just bounce back and forth#loop holding a torch: this will solve our problems :]#bard gently taking it from them: no no this will cause a bigger fire. we need to go smaller. and a less dense area#<- bard would be so ready to kick the shit out of the king too#bard cracking his knuckles: AND he’s not divine ?? this will be delightful.#<- you see. the rot#lantern says stuff
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Sidenote I was never her biggest fan but whenever I see someone talk abt dahlia hawthorne as if she's some evil seductress who breaks hearts for fun I feel the intense urge to hit them with hammers. Fucker can you read????
#waves my hand at The Fawles Business!!!!! hello???????????#pretty much every mention of fawles i see is (rightfully) condemning him#but often ppl dont connect that to dahlia as like. a character. theyre just like ew a creep good thing hes not relevant#happy and well 14yo girls dont frame their adult tutor who theyre 'in a relationship with' and send them to death row#and they certainly dont jump into a river KNOWN for tearing bodies to pieces in hopes of running away from home!!!#all the murders she attempts are motivated by a fear of her past being revealed!#valerie was going to tell fawles about her betrayal which would have set him out looking for revenge against her#fawles died to a suicide pact he initiated with her (again when she was FOURTEEN) rest in shit fucknuts#she poisoned diego because he was asking too many questions#and she accidentally killed doug while aiming for phoenix because he kept showing people evidence that indicted her#is she spiteful? YES! but not in a maneater way!#she HATES mia (and the rest of the feys by extension) for FINALLY CATCHING HER!#and THAT is what drives her participation in the hazakura plot!#like im not an apologist or whatevs. shes treats iris horrifically and she is very cruel when shes cornered#but the idea that shes some sort of praying mantis type is wildly inaccurate#the presence of romance only starts when shes groomed by a grown fucking man who makes a suicide pact with her#(and like u could say she was manipulating him or covering her bases and wouldnt have done it herself but THAT IS STILL CONCERNING!!)#and she lives a normal fucking life UNTIL valerie intervenes and makes her scared that that life is going to collapse!#anyway all this to say dahlia hawthorne get behind me
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hi i'm still alive, i will start queuing from my likes and from my tags soon 🫶🏻
#probably not a lot of ppl care but hello i am still alive#i very much hate life atm so idk how active im going to be in the near future#but i want to get back to rbing stuff and tbh i miss giffing too i like making silly moving pics :((#we'll see if i make any on either of my blogs. i have a lot of time while still struggling to find a job lmfaooo so:))))))#i have few gifset ideas that would make me happy so idk maybe <3#stay tuned to see if my skz blog gets revived or not tho lmao who knows certainly not me#shut up vivien no one cares
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‘you don’t seem too happy tho :(’ cunt I’ll bite you
#THE ACTUAL CHEEK OF HER LET ME CALM DOWN BEFORE I RANT FUCK MEEEEE THIS GIRL THIS GIRLYPOP EVEN#right so I’ve got a mate that I fell out with a couple weeks ago and she’s not confrontational but she IS the type to hold grudges#and express them in like. really petty ways. so like we settled our argument ages ago and I moved on bc i have a life#BUT IT’S OUR OTHER MATE’S BDAY PARTY TODAY AND IM NOT THAT CLOSE WITH THIS MATE BUT THIS GIRL IS HER FLATMATE YEAH#SO EVEN IF THAT MATE DIDNT INVITE ME DIRECTLY THEN THIS OTHER MATE THAT I AM CLOSER WITH WOULD HAVE#bc basically me her and another girl make a trip like we’re very close and it’s a very rigid trio set up#like you CANNOT invite two and not the other yk? guess what she fucking did#i only FOUND OUT ABOUT THIS PARTY BC THE THIRD GIRL IN OUR TRIO VERY CASUALLY WAS LIKE OH WHAT R U GONNA WEAR#AND I WAS LIKE??? TO WHAT??? AND SHE WAS SO BAMBOOZLED BC THATS HOW MUCH OF A GIVEN IT WAS THAT ID BE INVITED#BC MY MATE INVITED HER BUT NOT ME#and I’ve known that since yesterday morning but I was like okayyy okay im saying nothing am I fuck getting aggy bc I didn’t get INVITED#like that’s embarassing I’m staying silent. which I stick to until suddenly 5pm today#my mate that invited the other girl but not me messages me going#‘are you coming?’ GIRL??? AND THEN PROCEEDS TO TRY GASLIGHT ME LIKE ‘I MESSAGED YOU ABOUT IT’#YOU DID IN FACT NOT#AND I CANT PROVE SHES BEING INNOCENT AND PETTY BC WE FELL OUT AGES AGO BUT IT CERTAINLY FUCKING FEES LIKE IT#and even tho id acc like to have gone to that party I cut my nose off and was like nah im gonna sit this one out it’s just awkward now innit#and she was backtracking by that point bc i think she thought she’d just make me feel marginally uncomfortable and then I’d crawl over#like no bitch!!! and yeah I was a bit mardy on text and she HITS ME WITH THIS#‘are you okay’ ‘yeah you two have fun’ ‘you don’t seem too happy tho?’ YOU FUCKING RECKON???#furious tbh im scheming over how to retaliate even though i KNOW i shouldnt#petty petty girls grow up pls#hella goes to uni
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So I've been doing some art research before doing a portrait of one of my OCs because she comes from very Prim and Proper Victorian Nobility and wanted to really study those kinds of paintings from the era which... there's a shit ton of etsy ad facsimiles out there that really corrupt the pool of references, but Wikimedia has a collection of portraits that are actually from the Era and let me tell you, a lot are just great
I Know'd It Was Ripe by Thomas Hovenden
This kid's smile is just infectious.
Girl from Megara by Georgios Iakovidis
She's not having it!
Portrait of a Woman by Simon Hollosy
The warmth in her eyes. I trust her implicitly.
Laughing Girl by Fritz von Udhe
I think this one is my favorite. The warm lighting. The pose. Her smile. I might genuinely try to do a full study on this.
A lot of these weren't the particular style I was going for (the uptight noble portrait) but they do very much provide a window for me into this era that created the one I am making.
#art#victorian era#art history#19th century#1800s#1800s art#late 1800s#19th century art#painting#when i showed the first painting to a friend he sort of recoiled at the subject and title#i think the fact that this is a very well made portrait made in a post civil war america—theres far worse ways it could have gone#and i think the fact this painting exists at all speaks a lot because given the social environment#many artists would have likely overlooked him as a choice of subject#but knowing nothing else about the context of the painting or the kid's relation to the painter:#he looks genuinely proud of what he has! did he grow it himself or buy it from the market? who knows! but he fucking nailed it regardless#the title is certainly AAVE no doubt about it but my gut tells me its simply a direct quote with no other strings attached#its simply adding onto him reveling in his own pride#idk its just such a clear window into this life of this one kid from 140 years ago and it makes me smile to see him be happy
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when i mention that i have the most individual MiA fics out of any author on AO3 i am not bragging. mostly i am sad about this. fic scene is very small, total of ~200 works in all languages
i am also always noting that the characters i'm likely to read/write about aren't the same ones as the characters most of the rest of the already-small fic reader and writer scene for The Hole Show is likely to read/write about. so the following results aren't news to me
but i hadn't thought to actually compare character tags for the whole fandom to character tags for my work, and the sheer disparity between 'tags of the fandom' and 'tags of the author who wrote the most individual fics in that fandom' is...funny lol. (left: MiA tag as a whole's most tagged characters; right: ebilfic's most tagged characters
#orphan hole tag#ebil writes#Now You See Why I Made Ye Olde Ganja Server.#also if this wasn't already clear from the numbers:#belaf and vueko would not actually place in the top ten characters if not for my fics#i checked what happens if you remove them and the next most tagged characters are Marulk and Original Character#a little surprised Faputa doesn't place in that situation? i was hoping she would#so i could be like. aww she took their place they'd be happy to give their places up for her#like this is interesting because faputa is a very popular character in fanart. but not for fic i guess#anyway whenever i reproach myself with 'don't complain that characters you like don't have more content -- make the content'#i'm like. well actually wait. i am Very Much already Making the Content to the tune of 'most prolific by fic count AO3 author in the fandom#and i'm not out here being a dick in any way to people who only like the other characters so it's fine. :v#rel.: i have a fear if i hosted an AO3 exchange it'd maybe just result in 'two thirds is people asking for and receiving Weird Rabbit Smut#( a decent amount of Nanachi's tag is Weird Rabbit Smut)#which i dont...uh...have any wish for Effort Put in By Me to facilitate. and hosting an exchange certainly involves Putting Effort.#it could perhaps be an exchange themed/centered on secondary characters or adult characters or season two characters or something
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so if plato is macavity's son, does Victoria literary parallel Demeter in any fun ways?
oh now that is interesting to think about!!
I think perhaps, a long time ago, Demeter was a lot like Victoria: carefree, innocent, and elegant. It could be said that Victoria will grow to be what Demeter could have been if she had led an easier life. Unrestrained and vivacious.
Really I think the most important distinction is this: Macavity tore Demeter down, and Plato lifts Victoria up.
#headcanons#cats the musical#victoria cats#victoria#demeter#demeter cats#plato#plato cats#macavity#all this isnt to say that demeter ISNT those things. in fact i would say her elegance is a core part of her character#but she has certainly become jaded and anxious from her experiences#her time as a stray was not very pleasant. her time with macavity even less so#but shes living a very happy safe and fufilling life with the jellicles now i love that for them#it should ALSO be noted that plato and victoria are in a very happy relationship and i love them very much and thinking about them makes me#anyways thanks for enabling me i have so many Thoughts
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#so like I thought I was being presumptuous and blowing things out of proportion but after taking some tests#and conferring with friends I am starting to get the distinct impression that I might not be allistic#like certainly I might not be but the tests seemed legitimate enough and so much of my own experience with well life in general seems to#overlap with that of neurodivergent people who talk about theirs#I scored pretty high as well like high enough that statistically acording to the rsult explanations anyway nt don't score that high#but I mean it could always be that I am an outlier but on the other hand it would explain so much about myself#like on the one hand things I have struggled with might have led me to develop those behaviours but on the other it would make sense for#autism (or rather nt social systems vs my autism if there is) to be the reason I struggled to begin with#also like I would like to know but I don't think I necessarily want to get a formal diagnosis#like sure it would be nice to know but I don't know the potential repercussions and#as someone generally perceived as a woman misdiagnosis could very well be within the cards#like I do belong to various groups which are more statistically likely to be autistic but again I could just not be despite this#it still feels somewhat presumptuous to say I am because what if I'm just stereotyping but#it also feels irregular to dismiss the things that point towards it (and there is plenty that does) just on a lack of#professional diagnosis#anyway if anyone has any advice on this or has dealt with something similar and come to a conclusion I'd be happy to hear
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Ohh im obssesed
#uprooted#uprooted naomi novik#solya#marek#my main playlists dedicated to them :]#idk why they cought my attention in 2018 and since that year they have had a special place in my heart. sometimes throughout my day-#i realise im obssesed with them and they're not just some random characters i like. ive dedicated a lot of time on them#i wonder how my interest in them will be when i get older. i certainly know that i will miss them if i stop thinking about them#you could say they have seen me grow. i knew them BEFORE quarantine. they were with me DURING. and AFTER#they have been through so many phases of my life. its so strange.#they changed so much too...except Marek. he still looks the same I imagined him in 2018. solya is definitely different tho#but i do think i have a different more in depth understanding of both characters#even if the words i read in 2018 are still the same now that i look back at the book. they were so many things unsaid but if u looked-#closely you could understand them. solya and marek as individual characters have so much depth...even if its not explicitly said#or maybe its just me reading between the lines too much. i wish i just knew more about them. this is getting so long-#but I got a bit nostalgic. is crazy how i was just a child and somehow even tho solya was just the total opposite of the type of characters-#i like there was something in him. something that made me look at him. and i think thats actually so in character of him#i think that in the book even if someone didnt like him. it was still hard to look away because he stood out from the rest.#there was definitely something about him that attracted people. or else how would have he gotten so far in his schemes?#I may be overanalyzing it. but i love the Falcon so much. and i do like marek a lot as a character. i find him very interesting. i know he-#did bad. terrible. things i like him as a character. not as a person.#i wish i could have seen what was going on in that damaged mind of his...#analyzing his behavior its so entertaining to me. i love making up scenarios where he is at his worst. im not gonna lie#marek suffering and then finding comfort in not comforting things is one of my favorite headcanons.#his obssesion with his mother is also a very important part of his character (ofc) and i love imagine him doing things related to that#thinking about the ways their personalities connect and make them have a very toxic bond keeps me up at night..they made each other worst#and we actually never see that in depth in the book. everything is so subtle but my crazy brain can find the signs in any part#i will stop this rant here. i feel its so long and if i made any spelling mistake i apologise to my future self (probably my self from-#tomorrow) because i know i won't be able to fix the misspelling and that will stress me SO MUCH.#future self please dont stress about it. just be happy. and enjoy thinking about these insane characters
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#tag talk#said out loud “I've felt drunk for the past week” and suddenly realized no you idiot that's dissociation#anyway. I've been floating on clouds for a while and I'm absolutely not complaining it feels nice#restarting my meds is maybe what's doing it.#going off and then back on my meds has just been a wild ride all around#oh well. I gotta stay quirky and weird somehow right?#I've been thinking a lot about my breakup and how it wasn't even because of anything except that I got bored of him#and even playing aoe with him is getting boring cause his skill level is way behind me#the only person who moves the same speed as me is my brother. so I'm gonna go with him wherever he goes#I do like him a lot. but also there's the knowledge that if I don't stick with him I'll be way more lonely#moving out with someone else would guarantee that I'm leaving the only person in life who actually gets me#and I would be depriving him of the only other person who even kind of gets him (I won't say I get him fully cause that's a lil arrogant)#idk. I don't dislike it. but I'm trapped nonetheless. my course in life is laid out for me because I have no one else.#I love him but I wish I had more than one person who I could stand being around longer than a few months#idk. I do feel more conscious right now. more aware. I'm glad I have him.#I just wish I wasn't so fundamentally incompatible with every other person except him.#we're damaged in very similar ways and so we match. even the rest of my siblings don't click with me the same way#I guess I'm lucky to have him. if I didn't I would be 100% dead right now#which... certainly would be the easier simpler option#but oh well. I'm cursed to live on this earth until he eventually offs himself#we have a pact that we're gonna talk about the suicide beforehand to turn it into a murder mystery or something#he said he wants my skull if I go first. which honestly would be cool as hell. I'd be happy with my skull sitting on his bookshelf#he wants to travel and he's lined up to have a good job to let him do that. so I think I'll end up coming along#idk. we're together for life because both of us are so incapable of making other meaningful friendships#even his closest friends bother him constantly and he struggles to connect with them#so we vibe in that regard.#sorry if this is depressing as hell. it's just.. idk. we both are likely and certain that we won't die of natural causes#but life keeps getting better. I've got plans to go back to nursing next year and I'm medicated so I should be able to make it through#I've had my current job for over a year which is a personal record for me so I'm kinda stoked about that#I'm getting bored of it but so it won't last forever but nursing should get me something new to work on
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MADOKA - “I’m thinking I’ll order a beef udon bowl, since Sayaka-chan told me that they make those really good here. What about you, Homura-chan?”
CONSERVATION OF ENERGY - Food needs can be met with an expenditure of 1.23% of total magic. Proceed?
GRIEF SYNDROME [Trivial: Success] - MAGICAL GIRLS THAT IGNORE FOOD ARE OFTEN MORE PRONE TO GRIEF ACCUMULATION. MY ARMS WILL ALWAYS BE WAITING FOR YOU, HOMURA, BUT IT’S IMPORTANT TO BE HAPPY UNTIL THAT DAY. BESIDES, MADOKA WANTS TO EAT WITH YOU. DISAPPOINTING HER WILL FILL YOUR SOUL GEM WITH A HALF A GRIEF SEED WORTH OF DESPAIR.
TEA WITH MAMI-SAN [Legendary: Success] - Sayaka says the beef bowl is good? Maybe go for that. She knows Madoka’s tastes better than anyone — and if Madoka likes something, you will certainly like it too.
“I will have the same as you, Madoka.”
“I’m not feeling very hungry.”
[CALL AND RESPONSE - Medium 10] Come up with an order on your own
CALL AND RESPONSE - [Medium: Failure] - You’ve eaten here before, you’re pretty sure. Was it Loop 32… no, Loop 12..? No, wait, it was on the first Friday of Loop 68. No… that’s not right. You’ve never eaten here before. In a stunning display of incompetence, you have taken Madoka on a date to a restaurant that you have never experienced before.
THE ANGEL - It’s okay, Homura-chan! I don’t mind if you haven’t eaten here before. Remember what real me said, Sayaka thinks this place is good! And even if it’s not perfect, that’s okay, just spending time with you makes me happy.
THE CRAVEN MASSES - Sayaka has raised her blade against Madoka 16 times before. You should leave this restaurant and kill her. It would only take-
FALLING SAND [Trivial: Success] - 1528 seconds on average.
CONSERVATION OF ENERGY - It can be cut down to 1243 seconds with an expenditure of 2.7% of total magic pool.
THE CRAVEN MASSES - Exactly. Do it in front of her family and make it bloody. Kyoko would likely try and stop you, but even she isn’t immune to bullets. And if Mami comes for revenge, well, you know the exact words you could say that would destroy her, don’t you?
THE ANGEL - A-Ah, I think that’s a bit of an extreme reaction, Homura-chan!
HUMAN SHELL - Your heart rate is increasing. Stop that. You have absolute control over your flesh. Act like it.
MOE INSTINCT - AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH WHAT ARE WE GOING TO ORDER MADOKA IS GOING TO LAUGH AT US
WITCH’S NIGHT - Is… is this a trap? Walpurgis may be defeated, but you know that the stage witch never truly ceases its show. Perhaps this restaurant is a part of the stage?
MADOKA - “Um, are you okay, Homura-chan?”
MOE INSTINCT - OH GOD SHE HATES US
“I’m going to kill myself.”
“I’m so sorry. Would killing myself make you feel more comfortable?”
Isn’t there anything else you can say?
YOU - Isn’t there anything else you can say?
THE DEVIL - Come on, Homura. It’s high time you do it. Really, this is just another in the long, long chain of failures that make up your life. The only way to fix it is to kill yourself.
CLOCKWORK PRECISION - Target: Located on right ring finger. Target is not moving. Chance to hit: High. Plan: Retrieve pistol. Aim pistol at ring. Pull trigger.
THE ANGEL - Oh my god, please do not do that!
"I am going to kill myself."
"I'm so sorry, I'll kill myself if it makes you feel better."
"I'm so sorry. Should I kill myself?"
There. There has to be better options than this.
YOU - There. There has to be better options than this.
MOE INSTINCT - I CAN’T TAKE IT ANY MORE. THE ONLY RECOURSE IS IMMEDIATE SUICIDE. THAT’S THE ONLY WAY MADOKA WILL LOVE YOU AGAIN.
"I am going to kill myself."
"I'm so sorry, I'll kill myself if it makes you feel better."
"I'm so sorry. Should I kill myself?"
YOU - “I’m going to kill myself.”
MADOKA - Madoka’s face twists, her eyebrows raising slightly in shock. Whatever response she was expecting, it was clearly not this.
GRIEF SYNDROME [Challenging: Success] - IF MADOKA WAS A MAGICAL GIRL, HER SOUL GEM WOULD FILL BY A QUARTER HEARING YOU SPEAK THOSE WORDS. THAT WAS CRUEL, HOMURA.
MOE INSTINCT - WHY DID YOU SAY THAT?
MADOKA - “I’m so sorry, Homura-chan. Please don’t do that. I… I really care about you and so does everyone else.” Madoka’s eyes fill with tears as she speaks. She hugs you.
DAMAGED MORALE -4
CALL AND RESPONSE [Trivial: Success] - Quick, tell her you were making an edgy joke that didn’t land. You’ve gotten away with that before, you’re pretty sure.
SPACE-TIME MASSACRE - Twelve quarter shifts left and two up from your current space-time position, and there’s a Japan that it’s actually illegal to not commit suicide in.
FALLING SAND - You’ve been seated for 5 minutes and 32.5 seconds already and still have not ordered. Mami has requested your presence at her apartment in 3.4 hours from now.
TEA WITH MAMI-SAN - She wants to help you find a hobby. She’s really worried about you, you know.
STRINGS OF FATE - You can feel Madoka’s heart beat in sync with yours as she holds you. Everything will be alright, as long as you follow the beat.
THE ANGEL - Yeah! It’s okay Homura-chan. Just explain what’s been going on and Madoka will understand. And then order something, it’s important to eat a full meal!
YOU - “Ah, sorry Madoka. I was… overwhelmed with choice, and my… brain spit out the first thing it thought. I am not planning on killing myself.”
MADOKA - “Um, I think we should probably talk about this more, Homura-chan….”
CALL AND RESPONSE - Ask her a question to change the topic. It’s worked in three different loops, it should work here.
RATIONALITY COMPLEX [Trival: Success] - Ask her if she wants to try anything else and then order that for yourself. This will accomplish your goal of deciding on what to order, as well as showing Madoka that her desires are important to you.
YOU - “Is there anything else you’d like to try, Madoka? We can share our dishes.”
MADOKA - “Uh, okay Homura-chan. Maybe get some tempura?”
Order 10000 yen worth of tempura
Order 1000 yen worth of tempura
Order 100 yen worth of tempura
YOU - “Excuse me waiter, give me 10000 yen worth of tempura.”
HUMAN SHELL - Calories and magic are just two different types of fuel. Feed me and control me.
THE ANGEL - T-that’s probably too much, Homura-chan. Maybe you can sneak some into your cool shield, though!
MADOKA - Madoka doesn’t say anything, but her eyes do bulge out slightly. She gives you a gentle pat on the shoulder and smiles at you.
HEALED MORALE +1
RATIONALITY COMPLEX - Displays of wealth like this can broadcast value to potential mates. This will increase your value in Madoka’s eyes, furthering along one of your goals.
THE ANGEL - I think you should just focus on enjoying the food, Homura-chan. Take a break, everything is okay.
Thank you.
Why don’t you hate me?
YOU - Why don’t you hate me?
THE ANGEL - Because I care about you, Homura-chan! And besides, you hate yourself far too much already.
Thank you.
THE ANGEL - You’re welcome! Now, please, enjoy your meal with real Madoka. She loves you a lot too, you know.
#disco elysium#pmmm#madoka magica#yellowed pages#this took an unfortunate amount of my day dhdhdh wrote most of this in between running to do pointless chores
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