#it would be one thing if the tag had documented harassment they were getting but its literally just like

[littlemissguy]

Just spent liek an hour or so going thru someones blog in which they have a tag for a guy they hate like thats kinda extremely romantic in a sense. like wdym you have posts going back 2 years just dedicated to how much u hate someone and documenting their posting habits....yr in love with them buddy

[ahundredtimesover]

I Want You to Stay (12) | JJK

Pairing: Jungkook x (f.) Reader

Genre/Tags: boss!JK x assistant!reader; idiot strangers to lovers; slow slow burn; k-drama feels; angst, drama, fluff, smut

Chapter (Series) Warnings: foul/explicit language; alcohol consumption & passing out, unhealthy coping mechanisms; family drama; minor injuries; power dynamics (JK starts off as a jerk); work-related anxiety, feelings of helplessness, insecurities; mentions of childhood traumatic experiences, nightmares; sexual harassment, attempted assault; mention of past experience of domestic violence (PLS PLS BE CAREFUL WHEN READING); arts, business/property devt, and book talk that’s probably inaccurate; commitment issues & emotionally constipated characters; cold and detached JK; sexual content (18+)

Chapter Word count: 24.7k

Series Masterlist

Status: Ongoing

Series summary: Working for Jungkook isn’t the same as working for Hoseok. For starters, Jungkook doesn’t smile, he doesn’t appreciate you, and he gives you too much work. It doesn’t help that he’s incredibly handsome and has women at his beck and call. But as the tension grows, it becomes impossible to resist him. You’ve dedicated yourself to your job for 8 years so when you finally decide to put yourself first, he asks you to reconsider. And while you know that leaving is difficult, you learn that when it comes to Jungkook, staying is always so much harder.

Playlist 🎶: on the way home

A/N: Hiii so this took a while but thank for being patient and showing so much love! This might sting a bit but I hope you enjoy it. We're close to the end so don't lose hope! 🤭🤭

And as always, my biggest thanks to @wonwoonlight  🥰

PS. If I can’t tag you, pls fix your settings!

There’s a kind of pain you don’t want to experience, one of a broken heart caused by someone you’ve given your all to. This doesn’t feel like that, but it’s close. 

It’s so damn close that you feel your chest tightening, the unfamiliar feeling of loss of a person you never even had overwhelming you. You press your palms on your ears to block the sound of your heart breaking, but even that doesn’t do anything.

You let go, your fingers now shaking as you type away. Jungkook has asked you to send him your resignation letter so he can forward it to HR for documentation. It’s like saying goodbye to him all over again, and it doesn’t hurt any less.

This is all on you though, you remind yourself. Wanting him was wrong in the first place - he’s your boss, the man who pays you, who needs you so he could do his job, so you could make his life easier. But he’s also the son of the man that your family is indebted to; a man who, in a lot of ways, shaped the way you approach life and determine what you want out of it. Jungkook stands as a reminder of who you are and where you came from, of the childhood you had, and the decisions you made to get to where you are now. You let your guard down and let him in, and you let yourself fall for a man whose own past was always going to intertwine with yours. 

You don’t know what you were thinking, kissing him and believing that things would fall into place. That was the thing - he kissed you and you kissed him back, a moment of weakness that you had no business having, as if almost doing it the first time wasn’t bad enough. You planned on leaving, and you hoped that you’d get to tell him on your own terms, that you’d have time to process your feelings and then explain yourself to him, that you’d be able to process his feelings and see the sincerity in them. 

But life doesn’t always play out the way you want to, and you can keep thinking that people would react the way you hope they would but you’re human. You fell into his touch and wanted so much of it that you couldn’t think properly. He asked you to stay - expected it actually, which is the last thing you wanted him to do. 

And now you’re left here with a lot of emotions that you don’t know what to do with - all conflicting, all overwhelming, and all seemingly out of your control. 

You can’t deny what you feel for Jungkook. The thought that he feels the same should be something you welcome, but with how you both learned about it, and with him now knowing the secret you’ve been keeping, it’s hard to think how you both could move forward without those feelings of doubt, perhaps of distrust. You know enough that those aren’t good starting points for any relationship. 

You’re doing what you have to do. Resigning was always the plan, but doing it this way wasn’t. You also didn’t expect you’d be leaving so much more than just a team you enjoy being a part of and a boss you’ve come to admire, a man who’s come to mean a lot of things to you. 

And so even if this is the decision you’ll make every single time, it doesn’t mean it doesn’t hurt you to be making it. Perhaps it’s now just dawning on you that you’re truly walking away from this job, and that may mean walking away from, too. This is when you realize just how big that loss is gonna be.

Jungkook made you braver. He made you feel understood and less alone. He showed you that beautiful things do exist, that you can capture them so you could hold onto the good memories, and doing that is one way to move on from the things that hurt. 

Without realizing it, he’d become the person you were willing to crawl out of your walls for. But just like him, maybe your timing wasn’t right either. No matter how strong the feelings are, something just happens to be more important than being with him - feeling free is one, knowing that you’re able to do this for yourself is another. There’s wanting sincerity, too, on his end and on yours.

You know you need time to sort yourself out, to know what you want outside of all this, but the way he goes on about his business is affecting you more than you expected. He’s essentially giving you two weeks to stay in the office. He’s having Lucas fly in immediately. The implications are breaking you even more - perhaps you’ll be kept out of the projects; maybe you’ll no longer do your morning routines with him. 

Perhaps he’s still overwhelmed about everything he knows. And perhaps he’s realizing he doesn’t want that complication in his life anymore. Maybe he doesn’t want to deal with you and the mess you created, given all the stress and pressure he’s under. 

Maybe you were that easy to let go, too.

The thought feels like a slap on the face. 

But you’re the foolish one who wanted to leave but who also hoped he’d go after you. He didn’t do it last Friday. He’s not going to do that now. You doubt that after your last day, he would do it either. 

The tears dance around your eyelids. Everything becomes blurry, and after the first one falls, you stand from your desk and head to the washroom. You give yourself just 10 minutes to silently cry. You hadn’t prepared for this enough, and now the thought of saying goodbye to the team and leaving Jungkook during a big project launch weighs heavily on you. 

You calm yourself down, thinking that if you’d chosen to delay it, everything else would be harder - seeing him, being close to him, knowing you both feel the same way but not knowing if that’s enough. Or if it’s real.

You get to be selfish this time and leave for your own reasons. You get to choose which heartbreak you’ll face and for how long you’ll feel it. You get to decide which burdens you’ll carry and what you’re walking away from. 

The team will understand. You’ll give your all for the next few weeks you’ll be around and make sure that Lucas guides them well. Hoseok will be supportive. You know that he’ll always encourage you to go where you’re happiest. You just hope he won’t carry any guilt for being one of the reasons why you stayed now that he knows the truth. CEO Jeon might still ask you to wait, or he might just not want to see you again if he knows what really happened with his son, and that’s something you’ll have to learn to deal with as well. You don’t want to think you’re burning bridges with this decision, but you also know that those who truly care would want this for you, too.

But despite all that, the guilt and the sadness don’t go away. You’d once thought you could be happy with Jungkook. He’d given you a peek into a life where you could be, and he’d given you a taste of what it’s like to feel that all-consuming desire for someone. You don’t know if you’ll have that or feel that again for another person, but you at least now know what you’re searching for. 

Maybe you’ll get over yourself and find the words to tell him what you feel or hope for both of you. Maybe you’ll find your way back to each other someday. You might also have to face the possibility that this decision is what pulls you apart for good, and the thought breaks your heart again.

You take a deep breath and close your eyes. You think of the comfort of your morning routines and the shared silence. You think about the warmth you felt from all the food he’d sent when you were sick and injured. You think about that night you felt brave because he’d been with you when you were scared. You think about the tranquility of being in his presence as you gazed at the mountains and felt free being outdoors. You think about feeling understood during the times when you’d been honest and so had he. 

These are the good memories he gave you, the ones you’ll hold onto as you go through all this. You wonder if he keeps them in a nook in his heart the way you do, and if he’ll hold onto them as well as you walk away from him and from what you could’ve been. 

The thoughts are enough to suspend your sadness for a while. You fix yourself up and while it wasn’t a big cry, your slightly swollen eyes could still give you away. You decide it’s not much of a problem. Until, of course, when you make it back to your desk, about to sit down to resume your tasks, and Jungkook opens his door and locks eyes with you. 

There’s a moment where you hold each other’s gazes, and you see his face fall a little, softening briefly before he looks away, the seriousness coming back again. He attempts to say something but he stops, looking down at the papers he’s holding instead and asks you to photocopy them for distribution to the team.

You nod in confirmation, and as you’re about to walk out, Hoseok shows up.

“Are you free?” He asks Jungkook. “I need to run some things with you.”

“Sure,” Jungkook replies, glancing at you before walking back to his room.

Hoseok finally turns to you and sees your glassy eyes. His face falls, unsure how to comfort you during this time. He was never sure how to do that before, and he feels heavier thinking that so many times when you still worked for him, you probably wanted to quit but couldn’t. And that maybe his claims of needing you around to help him helped keep you here, in a place that wasn’t giving you that joy and satisfaction that you deserve. 

“___,” he calls out. “I got the notice. How are you feeling?”

“Well, I see that word travels fast,” you giggle, an attempt to avoid a somber conversation. You also don’t know how to explain whatever it is you’re feeling so it’s not something you’re keen on addressing.

“HR was actually the one that informed me and uncle,” he explains. “Losing you is a big deal so they thought to let us know right away. And I only mean that because you’re an integral part of this company. And you… you matter to my family. You matter to me, and I know you matter to him.”

Hoseok gestures towards Jungkook’s direction, prompting you to look away. The man in front of you sighs and apologizes, adding that you’ve come to mean so much to the people he cares for, including his wife. 

“You welcomed me to your family, Hoseok,” you respond. “You and A-yeong treated me like one and I always will be. But none of the sadness yet. I’ll still be here for the next month.”

“I’ll take my time in saying goodbye then,” he says, his genuine smile serving as the comfort you badly need. “And I hope it’s not for good.”

“Not to you,” you assure him. “I’m not that easy to get rid of.”

“Good,” he says, his eyes softening in understanding and acceptance. “I’ll just meet with Jungkook. I’ll catch up with you soon, okay?”

“Okay,” you say. “And uh, thank you.” 

Your smile holds in it a lot of emotions for the man who’s become your friend all these years. And you know that whatever happens with Jungkook, Hoseok will always be a person you’ll treasure.

You walk out while he enters the room and closes the door. 

Jungkook’s eyebrows are scrunched as he gives instructions over the phone while also typing on his desktop. Hoseok can sense the stress and tension all over his cousin, and he hopes that especially with this, the younger man finds it in him to talk about what he’s feeling. There’s fear that he’ll keep it all to himself again, and in doing so, he might just push you away even more.

“Hey, how are you holding up?” Hoseok asks after the call ends.

“I don’t really want to talk about it,” Jungkook huffs.

There’s a beat of silence before Hoseok speaks again. “So, you already have a replacement for ___, huh?” He says, having just heard Jungkook’s conversation about Lucas’ work visa requirements over the phone. “Isn’t that too fast?”

“The Arts Center launch is in a couple of weeks. I can’t have delays,” Jungkook explains. “Sending Lucas here will require less time than looking for a new assistant. He’s familiar with the project and he’s used to working for me so he can take over with the preparations. I’ve received father’s approval for his transfer.”

“What about ___, then?”

“What about her?” Jungkook asks bitterly. “She’s resigned. I’ll have her focus on turning everything over and documenting key projects and practices. She has vacation leaves to use up for the last month she’s here.”

“Just like that?” Hoseok questions. “She resigns today and then you’ve gotten everything sorted out for her departure, just like that? As if you can’t wait for her to leave?”

“She wanted this,” Jungkook counters. “You heard what Mr. Ri said. She’s been wanting to do this for years, and I’m just making sure she’s not bothered by what she’s leaving behind. Having Lucas here will assure her that the team will continue to function and that she’s not delaying anything by deciding to leave. She doesn’t have to worry about anything.”

And it’s the truth. Hearing what you went through and that you’d thought of resigning several times before makes Jungkook think that you haven’t been happy here for a long while. He’s unsure if you’d always planned on leaving before the Arts Center launch, or if what happened last Friday prompted you to do this now. But still, it seemed so easy for you to make the decision, as if you can’t wait to leave him, as if being around him hurts you that much, as if you know that whatever it is you’re looking for isn’t here. 

Jungkook spent all of last weekend replaying that night in his mind - from the way you pulled him close to you and to the way his heart broke when you pulled away. He doesn’t know what you want from him. You kissed him as if you wanted him. He felt your desire as your hands danced around his chest, as you moaned against his lips, as you thrusted against him like you wanted more, and he would’ve given it all to you, he would’ve given you everything, but the words he’d never told anyone slipped from his mouth and somehow, that’s what made you create that distance. 

Perhaps it’s what made you not want to stay. 

But he wouldn’t have known because he didn’t ask. At the thought of you no longer being by his side, he faltered. At the thought of losing the routine you’ve both created and the comfort you’ve been giving him everyday, he caved in. He lost all sense and just wanted to keep you. He’d disregarded every rule, crossed every boundary he created, and thought of nothing else but to be with you. He made the mistake of not thinking about you, the person he wants. 

He naively believed that your expression of desire meant that nothing else mattered - you’d be with him regardless. But he realized that maybe he doesn’t know you at all. He would’ve risked everything but maybe you wouldn’t. You make him happy and that’s all he cares about but maybe he’s not enough for you. He’d do anything to be with you everyday but maybe that’s not what you want. 

The thought that that moment made you realize that maybe, he’s not what you wanted after all creates another crack in his heart. That cold, stubborn heart of his hasn’t felt much in years but it betrayed him this time. It called out for you and he’s afraid to find out that it still will, after everything. 

“Have you spoken to her?” Hoseok pulls him out of his thoughts.

“Yeah,” Jungkook replies. “I gave her my recommendation letter, told her about Lucas replacing her, and that she still has leaves to take.”

“I meant about both of you,” Hoseok clarifies. “About what you both feel, about what that means and what happens after that.”

“What is there to talk about?” Jungkook groans. “She left me that night. I come here today with a resignation letter on my desk. She doesn’t want anything to do with me.”

“That doesn’t mean she doesn’t want you,” Hoseok says. 

“It doesn’t mean she does,” Jungkook counters. “Clearly, her happiness outside of this company is her priority. And it should be. She doesn’t have a reason to stay here anymore.”

“And what if that happiness could include you? Did you even think about that?”

“Then she could’ve said that if she wanted to. It was her decision, it was her call.”

“You think it’s that easy to say that? Then why don’t you go ahead and tell her what you feel and want?”

“I did!” Jungkook almost yells now, thankful for the thick walls of this room. “And she pulled away! She said she couldn’t do this, that she couldn’t do this with me. That tells me everything I need to know, Hoseok. Whatever she feels for me isn’t that strong. I was stupid to believe an overheard conversation. I heard that she liked me and I thought, all I had to do was tell her that I felt the same way. But it wasn’t enough. I asked her to stay and she said she couldn’t. I don’t matter to her. Not in the way that she matters to me.”

“Why did she cry, then?” Hoseok asks. “Did you notice that?”

Of course Jungkook did. He’s seen you cry a few times, a sight he never wants to see again, and seeing your puffy eyes earlier made him want to just forget everything and hug you so he could help make the hurt go away. It’s something he’s wanted to do before and there’s a reason why he never did. Today, he knew that doing so would make it harder for him. So all he could do was look away.

“She wouldn’t be that upset if all this didn’t matter to her. If you didn’t matter that much to her,” Hoseok adds.

“This job mattered to her, too. You and I know how she works. Maybe there’s guilt or worry that she’s leaving at this critical time, which is why I’m trying to make the transition easy,” Jungkook reasons. “She’s leaving a lot of things and people behind and that could be hard for anyone. She’s crucial to the team but I don’t want there to be anything else that would hold her back. Not anymore.”

“But all these arrangements… it’s as if it’s so easy to replace her,” Hoseok sighs. “Are you even giving yourself time to just process all of this?”

“And then what? Give myself time to realize again that I can’t do this without her? I already know that I can’t, I can’t replace her, not in any way but I…” Jungkook heaves. “I can’t give in to those feelings and end up asking her to reconsider her decision. She has a life to live outside of this but this is mine. I have a project to launch, a name to uphold…”

A broken heart to live with, he doesn’t say. 

“I don’t know what else to do but this,” he adds, his head bowing down as he pinches the corners of his eyes. He’s just trying to deal with losing you in more than one way, and trying to maintain whatever professionalism he has left after everything.

Hoseok sighs as he watches his cousin stop himself from falling apart. It’s true that everything feels so sudden. Perhaps for you, the best decision you could make after what happened last Friday is to leave and he wouldn’t fault you for that, especially after what you gave up to be here. And maybe Jungkook is just trying to deal with that pain of losing you as his assistant and the possibility of more in the way that he knows how - distance, detachment. It’s how the younger man has always chosen to deal with things he can’t control, and as someone who’s seen him try to move on from his own past, it’s hard for Hoseok to stand by and watch Jungkook hurt this way when he knows that you care about him, too. 

It wasn’t always obvious, but at one point, Hoseok started to notice things; he just never questioned them. You were always competent. When you were his assistant, you paid attention to every detail and made sure that he was always at his best. But this past year, Hoseok had seen you pay attention to Jungkook in a more meaningful way. He’d seen you care for the younger man, showed him kindness that no one’s bothered to do before. And that’s done so much for him as he learned to open himself up, to allow himself to feel a different kind of vulnerability, to feel like he could be himself again, and that he’ll be accepted for all the scared and flawed parts of him. 

All Hoseok can do is at least help his cousin be honest about what he feels and help him not lose you completely. But much as he wants to figure this out with Jungkook, life continues, and right now, there are some executive decisions both men have to make. So he redirects the conversation, and it’s half an hour later when they come up with a policy statement that they send to CEO Jeon as instructed. 

That’s at least one other important thing that Jungkook can tick off his list. He’s determined to just focus on all work matters for today, hoping that would keep his mind off of you. 

But that’s impossible when you still have a role to play in his life, as you enter his room after Hoseok exits, avoiding the older man’s worried gaze. You glance at Jungkook just once, placing a folder of documents on his desk for his signature. 

He’s past the second of a dozen pages when he speaks, his eyes glued to the papers, not wanting to look at your face.

“I intend on telling the team about your resignation during tomorrow’s meeting,” he says. “I’ll release the company-wide announcement on Wednesday, followed by an email to other partners and contacts. The Arts Center launch is happening in a few weeks and we can’t have delays, so I’ll be endorsing Lucas soon after.”

“I understand, Mr. Jeon,” you say, trying to stabilize your voice. “If you need me to draft anything—”

“There’s no need, I will do that.”

“That’s noted, sir.”

You remain standing in front of him, watching him go through each page and feeling like you could burst any moment. Somehow he seems like that man you met almost a year ago - focused yet detached, close but so far away. 

“You’re also no longer required to come to my apartment every morning,” he continues. “I’ll only need you to come on Thursday so you could give Lucas your access and brief him about the building and where things are. Mr. Ri could still drive you to work until your last day.”

“That service was extended to me for the purpose of assisting you every morning, Mr. Jeon,” you say, your voice sounding firm this time. “That is no longer necessary.”

You see him stop his movements for a second before he resumes and nods in acknowledgment of your statement. 

As you watch him sign the last few pages, you allow yourself a brief moment to wish that you’d just left much sooner, during a time when he wasn’t around so you didn’t have to feel this agonizing pain of him slowly slipping away. Everytime you remind yourself that you made this decision, you’re pulled back by the thought that leaving didn’t have to mean that you’d lose him completely. 

But with the way he acts now, with how he’s distancing himself from you and everything you shared, you’re starting to think that maybe he’s decided on this, too - that this is goodbye and that there’s nothing for both of you after this. It’s a hard pill to swallow but one you suppose you should - this was your call and you didn’t give him a choice in the matter. Perhaps this is his way of dealing with your departure as well. That’s something you can’t fault him for doing. 

That leaves you with no choice but to deal with the pain, too. You don’t know exactly how. You’ve never really gone through this before. All your breakups didn’t hurt like this, probably because you knew from the beginning that they would end anyway, that you wouldn’t care more than you planned. 

But Jungkook is different. You didn’t expect him to be the one you’d care for, that you’d yearn for, that you’d want with all of you. But you watch on as he slips right through your fingers, and whatever hope you had of finding your way back to him in the future withers away. This is how you lose him, and you’ll try hard to keep only the good memories with you. 

He finishes signing the papers then he hands them over to you, his eyes only briefly meeting yours. He turns towards his desktop but he speaks again.

“HR requires me to have an exit interview with you,” he says. “But due to our personal circumstances, I don’t think that’s appropriate. I’ve asked Hoseok to conduct it instead. You may just schedule it with him within the next week. You’ll also be provided with a list of all the things you need to submit for your clearance. Just let me know what you need from me and I’ll work on it right away.”

It takes a while for you to respond, as you notice him slowly look your way. 

“Understood, sir,” you manage to say, so softly like a breath, even you could barely hear yourself. 

But the words come out, almost emotionless now as you just take in all his instructions. You gave him your letter only a few hours ago and now he’s got everything organized for your departure, almost as if he wants the complication, that is you, dealt with immediately. 

You’ve disrupted his routine and messed up a lot of his plans. He’s always said he hates change, and you’ve caused one of the biggest ones he’s ever had to deal with. You don’t blame him for not wanting to do anything with you anymore. 

You nod and head out, knowing that you’re slowly losing your place in his life, even as his assistant. He doesn’t call for you the rest of the day, even for coffee. You’re tempted to knock on his door and ask if there’s anything else he needs for you to do before you clock out, but you decide against it, slowly feeling like you’re no longer welcome. 

You mindlessly walk out the building and down the street, feeling the weight of everything drag you down. You’d thought that finally doing this would make you feel liberated, like you’d be relieved of your burdens and even of a secret that you no longer have to keep. But as the minutes pass by, everything is just getting heavier and heavier. Your heart doesn’t loosen up, either. 

And as you stare at the barely eaten sujebi from your favorite noodle house and the piece of choco pie that you bought from the convenience store that you now have no appetite to eat, you feel yourself falling apart. You don’t know what you were expecting but it wasn’t this. You hated doubting Jungkook’s sincerity about what he felt but now you’re faced with his seeming apathy. It makes you wonder once more if he really felt anything for you, or if he just mistook his practical need for you as something more.

Maybe you’ll never know. At this point, he’s just your boss who’s running a company and preparing to launch the biggest project of his life. All you can do is respect that and support him the best way you know how. If it’s distance he wants, then it’s what you’ll give. You suppose it’s the most you could do for him after making the decision to walk away. 

Sitting in the meeting room the next day with the management support team chatting around you is a little unnerving. You try to engage with them and put on a smile that doesn’t feel real. The nervousness and guilt slowly creep in, especially when Jungkook arrives and orders for the meeting to begin. 

“Before we start, I’d just like to make an important announcement,” he says, quieting everyone down as he sounds serious. “Ms. Cho has tendered her resignation and will be leaving the company in a month. I wanted to tell the team immediately so we could all work on the necessary adjustments. Lucas, my assistant during my time in Singapore, will be replacing her. I made this decision with the approval of the CEO to ensure a smooth transition. His first day will be on Thursday.”

In the silence, you look up, afraid of how the team is taking it. Manager Lee and Chin-sun have a mix of sadness and acceptance on their faces. Yohan has his head bowed down. And Do-hyun sits there, silently crying. 

“Do you… do you not like us anymore?” She mumbles through her sniffles. 

“Of course I do,” you say, your eyes softening. “It’s not about that.”

“Then what is it?” She asks. “Why… why are you leaving us? Why are you leaving Mr. Jeon?”

“I…” you start, looking at him for approval, and he nods as if to say that you’re free to say whatever you want to say. “I’ve been here for a while. This job is all I know and the years just flew right by. I feel like a new environment and a change of pace would do me good.”

Chin-sun turns to you, her look of understanding giving you the comfort that you need. She told you once that you deserve to live a life outside of work, that you need to find yourself and what makes you happy, and that she knows what that could mean. You’ve always looked up to her and how she’s handled everything in her life with such grace, and seeing her give you that nod of encouragement tells you that she gets it, and that despite the doubt that’s slowly crept in, she’s that hand on your shoulder, saying that you’re doing the right thing. 

“Do you have to go this soon?” Do-hyun asks, her voice so unusually soft that it makes you feel like crying, too.

“I had initially planned on resigning after the Arts Center launch,” you say, the words hitting Jungkook as you see the way he clenches his jaw. “But the company I’ll be moving to requested for my start to be in two months. It’s too good of an opportunity to pass up on, so I decided to leave early.”

It’s not a complete lie. You had emailed Namjoon last night and inquired if the production officer position is still open. He responded right away to say that it is, and that he’s been hoping for you to officially apply, so you did. He insisted that based on your resume and your mindset and approach to work that he’s picked up from your conversations, the role is meant to be yours. He scheduled an interview in the next two weeks during your forced leave - for formalities’ sake, he told you - and you can start next quarter.

“I’m just… I’m just really sorry that I’m leaving in the midst of all the preparations,” you add, your nails sinking in your skin once more as you try to deal with guilt. “Things just happened so fast and I had to make decisions right away.”

“We’re gonna be okay,” Chin-sun assures you now. “You and Mr. Jeon trained us well. You, especially. We’ve been working together for over four years and I may have been in this longer but I’ve learned so much from you, ___. This breaks my heart more than you know but I’m proud of you, and I’m happy for you. I can at least say on behalf of the team that we don’t want this decision to burden you. You’ve held the fort for everyone for so long, you deserve to pursue whatever makes you happy.”

“Thank you,” you whisper, feeling the words getting caught in your throat as you try to keep yourself from breaking down. 

Chin-sun isn’t always this sentimental, so you know it means just as much to her that she’s able to say these things to you.

“I agree with her,” Manager Lee says. “It’s gonna be different and definitely hard but the team will manage. You’ve given this company so much, and I know that wherever you’ll go, they’ll be so lucky to have you. Just… just don’t forget about us, okay?”

“Never,” you assure the team this time. 

“Remember when I was being stubborn and didn’t want to go to the hospital when I was sick?” Yohan speaks up, looking at you now with glassy eyes. “You took half the day off so you could drag me there and then visited me everyday after work when I was confined for a week. The doctor said things would’ve been worse if I’d gone there even just a day late.”

You remember that incident clearly. It was the month before Jungkook arrived. The entire team was busy preparing everything but you noticed that Yohan looked unwell, and you insisted on taking him to the hospital so he could get checked and you’re glad you did. You can’t imagine how things would’ve turned out if you hadn’t.

“I was trying hard to keep it in because I didn’t want to be a burden,” he continues. “But you noticed, you always do. And I’ll always be thankful. Chin-sun may be my wise auntie but you’re my ever dependable older sister and I’ll miss you so much. No one can calm me down the way you do, and no one will tell me and Do-hyun off when we’re being whiney or ungrateful. I just hope that whatever you do brings you all the peace and happiness you deserve.”

At his words, Do-hyun sobs. Covering her face, she mumbles onto her palms, muffling her words that you can’t understand. She briefly looks up at you, pouting as she catches her breath, and then she cries again. Even when she’s being emotional, her child-like way of showing it is every bit endearing. 

You remember the first time you met her, a brilliant fresh graduate with so much passion and energy. She was a little too bubbly for you at the beginning. She was always curious and lacked filter most of the time. But you got to know her genuine heart, one that often sought you, that wanted to get your approval, that hoped you’d return the affection she always gave you. She was like that bratty little sister that you enjoyed looking after, and seeing her be affected this way is affecting you more than you expected. You can’t make out what she’s saying, but you’re pretty sure that they’d make you cry either way. 

And that’s what you’re trying hard not to do, as you bite your lips to stop them from shaking, hoping you won’t break down in front of them, especially in front of Jungkook.

Chin-sun comforts Do-hyun who’s calming down a bit now. Manager Lee and Yohan wipe their eyes. It’s a little too quiet, and you know they’re waiting for you to say something, too. Wanting to return their honesty, you start, trying to find the words that would capture everything you feel.

“You all know how much of myself I give to this job,” you start, your lips trembling as you try to get it together. “And from the beginning, I thought I would just come to work, do what I have to do, go home, and do it all over again. It’s the corporate world and we’re just trying to survive. You were all supposed to be just colleagues, people I had to just tolerate but that’s clearly not what happened. Without meaning to, you’ve all become such a big part of my life, more than I can ever express.”

You glance at Jungkook, hoping that he knows it includes him, but you see him clench his jaw and look away, and at this point, you don’t expect him to believe anything else you say, no matter how much you mean them. 

“I know I’ve never been good at accepting and especially returning your affection,” you continue. “I’ve missed out on a lot of post-work dinners and weekend get-togethers. I’ve just, uh, I’ve just never been good at mixing work with my personal life. But even then, you never took it against me. You keep up with all versions of me, you encourage me when things get hard, and you never fail to let me know that I’m doing a good job. And that’s done so much for me more than you know.”

You take in deep breaths as you feel your tears dance around your eyes, and you blink to let them fall then quickly wipe them away.  

“We’ve gone through so much together and I’ll always treasure all those moments and everything we shared,” you manage to say. “Leaving doesn’t change anything. At least, I hope it doesn’t.”

“Not to us,” Chin-sun assures you. “You’ll always be a part of this team.”

You mirror her smile, hoping your gratitude gets across.

The clearing of throat catches everyone’s attention, and you turn to Jungkook, remembering that you’re all gathered today for a meeting, and not some sentimental goodbye that’s turned into a cry-fest. You doubt he’d want to be around for this, so you apologize and say that he can continue on with the agenda.

“It slipped my mind that I have a call with one of the artists that Mr. Saito introduced me to,” Jungkook answers, looking at his phone then turning back to the team. “It’s in 10 minutes. We can resume tomorrow morning. It’s close to lunch anyway so you can all have your break.”

The whole team nods in acknowledgement. Except for you. He doesn’t have any scheduled calls today, as he was adamant on having this meeting done as soon as possible. He would have remembered if that call was that important and if it wasn’t, you know he wouldn’t have rescheduled this because making all the arrangements for your departure seems to be his top priority. 

You suspend the thought, knowing that dwelling on how much he’s distancing himself from you will take away from the moment you shared with your team. Right now, they’re who matter. Jungkook had always insisted he wasn’t part of it, and you always disagreed. But with him stepping away, maybe he’s right.

He steps out, and with him no longer in the room, Do-hyun takes the opportunity to hug you. It’s not something you always return but today, it’s everything you need, as her warmth gives you the comfort you’ve been badly craving since last Friday. All you had was your pillow and that didn’t really do much. With Do-hyun wrapping you in her arms, you’re able to breathe, and she holds you tightly as you silently cry, as if she knows just how much it means to you to have a shoulder to cry on this time. 

“Yah! Don’t cry,” she says in that mocking tone to tease you when you pull away. 

Everyone laughs and you shake your head in embarrassment. “I didn’t expect to cry this much.”

“Chin-sun started it,” Yohan says, earning him a nudge and a playful glare. 

“I just knew it mattered that you knew that it was okay,” she says, prompting you to look at her. “We may be crying and going on about missing you and things not being the same but… what you leave behind doesn’t make your decision any less valid, or even wrong. Only you would know what doing this could do for you, and there’s absolutely nothing to be sorry for.”

You mumble your thanks again, feeling a bit of weight off your shoulders with the assurance that the team will be alright without you. 

Outside, Jungkook looks on as everyone gathers around you, hugging you and wiping your tears, something he held himself back from doing. 

There’s no call to be had. He’d intended for today’s meeting to be about discussing the plans moving forward, the added responsibilities that each member would have as Lucas adjusts, and how they could help in his transition. Jungkook didn’t expect for it to turn out the way it did, with each person expressing their gratitude to you, comforting you, and sharing stories that show just how much you matter to them. 

This is who you are - someone loved by the people around her, despite the distance she keeps. There’s just always been this warmth about you that’s reflected in your ability to notice things, in your stubbornness, and in the way that you make every person feel cared for. It’s something he always admired about you. It’s also what he likes the most about you, and for all that you are, all that warmth and comfort that you deserve aren’t things he can give. Not when he’s trying to keep his own distance, not when he’s trying to keep himself together, and not when he’s trying not to hold you back any more than he already did. 

In a way, he’s glad that the team was able to express themselves to you. He likes to think that their words at least relieved you of whatever guilt you were feeling about leaving, something he’s also unable to do. They were able to assure you that they understand and only wish for your happiness. On his end, he’s ensuring that you don’t have to worry about all the work you’ll leave behind. It’s his way of telling you that it’s okay.

Jungkook steps away when he hears you start to pack up. He walks back to his room and hears the team’s plans of grabbing lunch at the dining hall then eating it at the floor’s outdoor space. Do-hyun tells you to ask him to join everyone, and Jungkook hates that he’d have to turn the invitation down. He does so by pretending to still be on a call when you peek into his room, and at this point, he’s unable to read your face. 

He can’t think that you were hoping he’d join you, as he can’t feed the illusion that you still want him after everything. He’ll just believe that it was relief he saw in your eyes and that just like him, you’re creating distance because that makes it easier for both of you. 

But the truth is, it doesn’t, as an hour goes by and he spends it zoning out in the midst of sending emails and coordinating with Lucas about his move. Jungkook catches sight of you from his window, seated with your chair turned around, facing the shelves. He’d seen you do that a few times - in the midst of a busy day, or that very first time after he’d gotten mad at you. He wonders what it’s about now. 

Maybe it’s your decision still weighing heavy on you, or that you still have so much to do for turnover. Whatever it is, Jungkook fights the urge to go out there and ask you, to tell you that you could take a break if it’ll help. Or to hug you if that’s what you need. 

At this moment, he lets himself wish that the world would just suspend for a while and he could do all that without any consequences. He wishes you’re both in some alternative universe where you’re still you and he’s still him but without the baggage, without the secrets, without the intertwined past. He wishes he could just be with you without any of the burden nor the doubts, and you could just go on and be honest with what you both want, and feel what you feel with no reservations, and that all that would be enough. 

There’s so much he wants to do for you but he can’t let himself be weak this time. You made your decision and he won’t hold you back. What he’ll do is try to make things easy for you, although the sullenness in your eyes - that he briefly sees when you turn around to face your desk - tells him that it doesn’t seem like it’s working. 

But detachment is all he knows when it comes to things he can’t control. He can’t control you with the decision you made. He can't control how he’s taking it. And even after all that, he still can’t control the way he feels or the way his heart breaks seeing you like this.

“Hey, is everything okay?”

You look up from your desktop to a pair of questioning eyes, and you fumble for your tea and ask why he’s asking.

“Just curious,” Yoongi shrugs. “Jungkook’s been cross-copying Lucas in some of our emails and I don’t recall that ever happening before.”

You glance at your screen, seeing the messages that have the said man now looped in, all just today. 

“Uh, yeah. Jungkook’s including him in the communications already,” you answer. “I… I tendered my resignation yesterday, Yoongi. I leave in a month.”

You knew that Yoongi would always be supportive. So many times before, he’d asked you how you imagined your life to be and what you were going to do once you thought your time in the company was over. He’d talked about his own plans, too, like opening up his own architectural firm in Daegu because that was always going to be his home. You knew that when the time came, he’d be proud of you because it would be your decision, and the look on his face right now tells you that he is. 

“You finally did it,” he smiles. “How does it feel?”

“A lot of things,” you sigh, not wanting to give too much away. Not here at least. “There’s just a lot to think about. Maybe when I take one of my remaining leaves, it’ll finally sink in.”

“And how’s Jungkook taking it?”

You’re about to answer, trying to formulate in your head how you can explain how Jungkook has been. But it’s that moment when said man opens his door with papers in hand, his eyes flitting from Yoongi to you. You ask him if there’s anything he needs but he shakes his head and says he can handle it before closing the door. You stare at it for a while, hoping he’d come back out and say that he does need you to do something, but he doesn’t. 

“I guess not well,” Yoongi points out, prompting you to return your gaze to him. 

“He is, actually,” you counter. “He accepted my resignation with no questions asked, gave me a recommendation letter, organized everything for my replacement, told me to take my remaining leaves… he hasn’t given me more workload than I expected. He just wants me to focus on turning things over.”

“And that’s ‘taking it well’ for you?” Yoongi cocks an eyebrow. 

“Well, he hates change. The last time that happened and he got shipped to Seoul but couldn’t bring his old assistant with him, he acted out. We both know how that went,” you say. “And now I’m causing another big change. We had a routine going. The Arts Center opens in less than two months. And then I decided to leave. He could be letting out his anger and frustration on me but he isn’t.”

“Hmm,” Yoongi hums. 

After knowing you for 10 years, he’s come to realize that you have your ways of coping with things. So does Jungkook. 

“I think I know what he’s doing,” he continues, earning him a questioning look from you. “He’s distancing himself. How else does he deal with anything that hurts or terrifies him? He’s losing you, ___. Even just from a professional standpoint, that’s a lot for him. On a personal level, even more.”

You look away, not wanting to think about the implications of Yoongi’s last statement. He picks it up, knowing that it’s probably hard for you to talk about right now.

“You may not agree, but you’re important to him,” he adds. “If you think this is easy for him, I’m telling you now that it isn’t. You know him. He’s… he’s not good at expressing how he feels. He just shuts everyone out. It’s his default. Even if the person he’s pushing away is probably the one he needs the most.”

“It’s more complicated than that,” you sigh.

You relate with Yoongi’s statement though. You pushed Jungkook away when all you wanted was to have him close. You decided to leave the company even though you hoped you could be with him. You may mean a lot to each other but it also doesn’t mean it’s enough. 

“Is it really?” He questions.

When you really think about it, it shouldn’t. Jungkook likes you. You like him. For two people who are used to being on their own, finding comfort and strength in each other and then wanting that to last is simple. But how you both got here isn’t. You kept a secret from him that may have tainted his trust in you. He pursued you in a way that made you doubt his sincerity. You’re unsure how both of you could navigate all that, especially given the way you are.

Your silence prompts Yoongi to say that you don’t have to tell him anything, but that he’s there should you need anyone to talk to. He leaves, and suddenly, the silence is too loud. 

The rest of the afternoon feels too long, with time ticking by so slowly. You always liked how your desk was separated from everyone else, as it gives you the peace and quiet you need to focus on your tasks. You’re also accessible to the VP, which makes everything easier and more efficient. But now, you hate it. There’s no sound but your thoughts ringing at you that you hear. And there’s no Jungkook calling for you to give you things to do. 

Not speaking to him nor seeing him makes your day incomplete. You used to enjoy your shared moments, like when you’d enter his room with his cup of coffee and you’d remind him to take a break. All those times when you’d make him sign documents, with him groaning at something he’s frustrated about and then telling you what you can do after you ask if you can help him with something. Those instances where he’d look through portfolios on your shelf and do small talk with you, and those times you thought he just needed a break or a friendly smile or a hum of encouragement.

It’s only been the second day but there’s none of those now, and you don’t have anyone to blame but yourself.  You let yourself be selfish for once by resigning. But you feel even more selfish by wishing he didn’t act so unaffected, that he’d still ask for you after what you’re putting him through.  

You clock out at 6, initially considering letting Jungkook know but then deciding against it, knowing that his nonchalance will just cause a crack in your heart. The rest of your evening feels lonely even with your variety TV show on, so does your commute to work the next morning that you now have to get used to. It didn’t feel right to still have Mr. Ri drive for you, even though he messaged and insisted that he still could.

It’s Wednesday, and there’s something about the middle of the week that makes you feel uneasy - the week is halfway done; it feels like it flew by but it also can’t end fast enough. There are documents on your desk for review and some emails that you need to get to, but Mrs. Myung calling to say that CEO Jeon wants to see you is what does your head in. You suppose he’d want to speak with you at one point; you just weren’t prepared for it to be today.

The CEO’s office is like a personal museum, with photos and blueprints framed on the walls and miniature replicas of some of the company’s earliest infrastructure being displayed in the large room. The view of the city is stunning from all angles, and you can only imagine how much creativity it inspires. You’re still unsure how he thinks about you, but you bow shyly once he greets you and you take your seat when he asks you to.

“Jungkook said he’ll be announcing your resignation today,” the man says. “It seems that he has everything organized already and ready for your departure.”

“He has, Mr. Jeon,” you confirm. “I feel quite bad that I’m not helping him with the arrangements. He, uh, he seems to have wanted to handle all of it all on his own.”

“Well, he’s pressed for time. He had to make quick decisions with the Arts Center opening in a few weeks.”

“I… I apologize for leaving at such a critical time,” you say, bowing your head in shame once more. “I—”

“You have nothing to apologize for,” he shakes his head. “You made a decision that was best for you. I guess I was just in denial that you’d do it so soon, or at least before the Center is revealed. You’ve worked hard on that, too. I’m sure it’s difficult for you to let that go as well.”

You look up and see the gentleness in his eyes, the same ones that looked at you the first time you met him - in this room, over 20 years ago. He was a stranger to you, but he was kind. There wasn’t much you remember from that day nor that period, but you’ll always remember the soft way he greeted you and introduced himself. 

You look back at the years after that. He didn’t reach out much but you still felt him looking out for you and your mom. When you entered the company as an intern, he had that look of recognition, and then of pride. 

Working here all these years, you’ve seen him be the critical, perfectionist, and passionate man that he is. People stopped what they were doing when he entered the room, they listened when he spoke, he commanded fear and respect, but you’ve seen his moments of tenderness and empathy, too. This is a man who commits himself to everything he does, something his son took after him. It’s probably why with his years of experience, he knows that for you, walking away from the project you poured your soul into is just as hard.

“It’s a sad parting, I would say. But I know it will turn out just as beautiful as your son had hoped. He really put his everything into that and I’m glad I got to see it almost completed,” you say, having visited the site not long ago. “Though I’ll no longer be here when the rest of the world sees it, I know it’ll give him that satisfaction and pride that he managed to bring to life all that he envisioned.”

“I don’t know about satisfaction and pride if you’re not around,” Mr. Jeon hums. “You’re leaving a big hole in his life, ___. And I don’t mean that just professionally.”

You turn away, unsure if you’re ready to address your feelings for Jungkook in front of his father. 

“Looking back now, I was being selfish to you all these years,” he continues. “You had a hard time when you first started and that all happened under my watch. I encouraged you to apply for that EA position because I knew that Hoseok would choose you by your own merit, and he would treat you well. He would train and mentor you and I selfishly hoped that my family would be redeemed in your eyes. And Jungkook… he… he reminded me of myself when I was younger. And you had the spirit of your mother,” he adds, his eyes softening at the mention of her. “You had her heart and I hoped… I hoped that whatever gentleness you’d show my son would allow him to heal a little. It was unfair of me to give you that responsibility, especially given how he treated you at the beginning. I’m so sorry, ___. I feel like I was holding you back and I never intended that.”

“Please don’t apologize, Mr. Jeon,” you insist, your eyes blurring a little with his honesty. “I still made the decision to stay every time. Even when it was hard. I… I wanted to show my gratitude to your family for what you’ve done for us. I don’t think I’ll ever be able to pay you back.”

“None of that,” he shakes his head. “It wasn’t just about absolving myself of the guilt for what your mom had to go through because of me, which was bad enough in the first place. But I… I knew it was the only way I could thank her, that I could apologize. If there was a way I could help both of you rebuild your lives, I would.”

“And you did,” you assure him. “We were safe. We made good memories in Busan. We now have a good home back in Daegu. I got to study and build myself and experience all these things. And I… I got to meet your son. And I got to see his heart. And I’ll always keep that with me, regardless of how things turned out.”

“Does this mean that you and him aren’t… uh—”

“It was unprofessional to cross the line, Mr. Jeon,” you bow your head. “I’m so sorry that happened.”

“I’m not angry. I guess I should’ve expected it. I’d accept my wife calling me a matchmaker if only it was true,” he laughs dryly. “Jungkook cares about you. And I know that you care about him. You’ve resigned now. You’re… you’re free.”

“I didn’t decide to leave so I could be with him, sir. I mean, that wasn’t the primary intention,” you try to explain. “I… I always knew I would, but doing this soon is because I’m unsure how to continue with my role given what happened. I hope I’ve clarified that.”

“Is this it, then? Is this goodbye for you and him?”

“I… I still hope I’ll see him one day, perhaps when we’ve forgiven each other, when we’ve come to understand the decisions that we made, and once we’ve come to terms with them,” you say. “I’m unsure when that would be. But I hope I’ll have the chance to congratulate him and to tell him I’m happy for him.”

“Goodbyes aren’t always for good,” Mr. Jeon says. “I’d like to believe that we cross paths with people for a reason, that we lose them for a reason, and that we find them again for a reason.”

“That’s not such a bad thought,” you smile. “I suppose that every person I lost for good was for a reason. If I find my way back to Jungkook… it should be for a good reason, too.”

“Of course. And I also mean that for us,” he smiles back. “Please don’t become a stranger. You mean a lot to our family, ___. How your mother helped me and how you helped our son will not be forgotten. Thank you.”

“Likewise, sir. You and Mrs. Jeon have helped us so much. Even Mr. Ri. I… I owe a lot to him as well.”

“You should already know he has a soft spot for you. That man treats you like family.”

You smile to yourself, thinking of how Mr. Ri has looked out for you all these years. He sacrificed a lot, too, and that feeling of safety that he gave you and your mother changed everything for you, even if it took everything from him. But he never wavered, as he made sure to visit you regularly when you were growing up. You suppose he had to hold back once you started working for the company and especially for Jungkook, given the secret you both kept, but Mr. Ri has been showing that same care to you now that the truth is out. 

“Did… did you know about him and my mom?” You wonder. 

“I did,” Mr. Jeon nods. “It was hard not to. Byung-hun was always serious and expressionless but his eyes always softened whenever she was around. She’s why he even smiled. But… decisions had to be made. I’ll always be sorry for what could’ve been.”

“It’s a love that lives on, though,” you say. “He’s been such a big help to me these past few days.”

“That’s good. You can always count on him. He’ll do anything for you, you should know that. It’s how he keeps their memories alive.”

It’s a nice thought, as you let the older man’s words settle. Love may not always be returned but the beauty is in how it’s expressed, in that it’s received regardless, and that it’s remembered. 

You didn’t expect for the talk with CEO Jeon to be as emotional and uplifting as it was. You suppose that all these years, you both were just trying to make it up to each other, to compensate for something that was given and for something that was taken away. Maybe he needed this closure, too, for him to know that you’ve always forgiven him, and that after everything, you’re grateful for what his family has done for you.

Letting out a sigh of relief that at least he’s not angry at you, you return to your tasks. You organize some documents then enter Jungkook’s room to request his signature, immediately spotting some of those he’d already signed from yesterday. 

You avoid his eyes again, and you only hope he doesn’t see the sadness in yours when you hear the conversation he’s currently having.

“Is the apartment okay?” He says on the phone. 

It’s Lucas, you assume. He’s scheduled to arrive today and is probably settling down first. 

“Yeah, just take your time. But don’t forget to be at my penthouse tomorrow,” Jungkook continues. “Ms. Cho will be there to brief you. I’ll see you at 7:00.”

He puts the phone down and retrieves the folder with all the files you set on his desk while you review the ones he just signed. Moments like this used to be spent on friendly banter or some questions on his end, but there’s none of that now. There’s just the sound of the pen gliding on the sheet and the flipping of pages filling the tense-filled air in the room. He hands you back the folder and you’re forced to look at him to say your thanks.

“Please be at my apartment tomorrow at 7. Mr. Ri can take you there, I’m sure he’ll insist,” Jungkook says. 

“Yes. Mr. Jeon,” you reply, your eyes focused on his desk. 

“And prepare the conference room for the postponed team meeting. We start in 15 minutes.”

You confirm his instructions and quickly head out. You gather everyone - and receive another hug from Do-hyun that you hadn’t realized you’ve been needing so much - then proceed to the room as instructed. 

Emotions are managed this time, with no more tearful goodbyes and sentimental speeches unlike the day before. Jungkook gets straight to the point by laying out the plans for Lucas’ onboarding and the division of tasks for the Arts Center opening. You’re primarily assigned to handle the former, as you’ll be turning over all of your responsibilities to him, including all documents, schedules, and contacts. Your facilitative role for the major project is divided between the rest of the team, and as you add the growing list of deliverables and other things you’re in charge of, you’re reminded just how hard you’ve been working for this, too. 

CEO Jeon was right. You’re not just walking away from your job; you’re walking away from something that you’ve started to believe in and be passionate about yourself. In a way, Jungkook gave that to you, and you’ll always be grateful that he let you be a part of it. 

The melancholic feeling stays with you for the rest of the day. You find yourself lingering on people and things and moments, as if capturing them so you can keep them in your memory. 

You do that, too, during lunchtime with the team as you laugh at the stories and incidents you recall that only all of you know. You do it while replying to the dozens of messages you receive after the announcement, with some of the other assistants calling you and expressing their sadness. You do it as well when you email Jungkook another memo he has asked you to draft. And then again when you peek through the window while he’s busy working on perhaps some other design, the image of him focused being etched in your mind until you sleep that night. 

You have to let go, you tell yourself; that was the point of resigning. You’re free, like what CEO Jeon said. While you never likened being in this company to a prison, there’s something liberating about stepping back from what you’ve known for years and realizing that you enjoyed it, too, that it gave you a certain kind of happiness and satisfaction, and a special feeling that only you could have.

Jungkook was someone who gave you all that as well, even if it was all fleeting. But then again, you don’t think anything really is. The things and people and emotions and moments you encounter all stay with you in one way or another. For that instance, you had them and they had you. Perhaps that’s the beauty of it - they may not stay but they will always linger. 

You enter the car the next morning with the scent of freshly baked pastry. Your eyes light up when you see the iced coffee, prompting Mr. Ri to let out a soft laugh and say that he picked them up on the way for you.

“Jungkook’s got a packed day so I doubt he’d have time for breakfast and I assumed that meant you, too,” he adds. 

“Not really,” you sigh. “He’s keeping me to just turnover duties for my last weeks here. I doubt I’d be that busy. But breakfast is good. I woke up late so I managed to only grab some fruits.”

“I think he just doesn’t want you to be stressed. Saying goodbye is hard enough.”

“I suppose… I guess I just hoped things would slow down a bit. But then again, I’m the one who abruptly resigned,” you say. “No one was afforded time to process things, including me.”

“It will sink in soon enough,” he hums. “Especially once you see how things change.”

“They have,” you whisper, the sullenness in your eyes letting the other man know just how much. “And I have no right to wish they didn’t, at least not this fast.”

“Oh, ___,” Mr. Ri turns to you with a sad smile. You can’t imagine him being the cold and stoic man that CEO Jeon had described, one who only softened when your mother was around. “You do. Standing by our decisions means that we accept whatever the consequences are, not that we can’t wish they were different. I’m pretty sure Jungkook feels that way, too. He’s dealing with you leaving, but it doesn’t mean he wishes you had to. And maybe… deep in your heart, you wished that not staying in the company didn’t have to mean not being with him.”

It’s a thought you’ve had for a long time, but one you don’t want to acknowledge. There’s a lot of things you’re still scared to face, including just how much you want him. You’re afraid to break, to want to take it all back, and to realize just how much you’re losing by letting all this go. 

And like the family he’s come to be, Mr. Ri reminds you that this pain you’re feeling is part of the process of finding the happiness you’ve been yearning for.

“Sometimes we have to lose things for something so much better,” he comforts. “‘Better’ could be a person or a state of mind. In your case, I think it’s discovering that kind of strength you didn’t know you had; it’s that freedom that you wouldn’t have otherwise felt even if you got together with Jungkook. For as long as you’re in the company, you’ll always feel burdened and that something’s missing at the same time. You always needed this. And I should’ve encouraged you to be braver a long time ago.”

“Then I wouldn’t have met him,” you say immediately, the thought breaking you, even if you tried to convince yourself it was better that you didn’t. “He and I have pasts that intertwine and if we never met then there… there would be nothing of him I’d carry, there’d be no trace of him in me.”

But you did meet. And now there’s Jungkook in you - in your bravery, in your strength, in your silence. He’s in your appreciation for art and design and love for disposable cameras and capturing good memories. You carry him with you, and the thought makes things hurt a little less. Maybe all that is why you got the courage to walk away in the first place. Maybe those could push you to find him again, too.

You’re deep in your head that you don’t realize you’re already at Jungkook’s building until Mr. Ri is calling your name. You exit, and right at the entrance, you see a well-dressed man with a bright yellow helmet on one hand and a scooter on the other, his smile brightening his whole face as he greets you. He’s Lucas, he says, and you’d almost forgotten the purpose of why you’re back here after almost a week. 

“It’s nice to finally meet you, Ms. Cho. Although I wish it were for happier reasons,” he says, his face softening. 

“It’s happy enough,” you smile. “You’re living abroad like you said you wanted to, and this is career advancement for you. They’re all good things.”

“I suppose so. Although I didn’t really get to prepare myself much. I’m quite nervous, if I’m being honest.”

You pass over your access cards to him and let him go through the building’s security process. It’s another way you’re letting go of Jungkook, you think, and there’s more of that melancholic feeling, as memories of all your mornings here fly through your mind. 

“You’ve been with Mr. Jeon longer than I have, Lucas. You know how he works,” you tell him. “Sure, there are added responsibilities as the Vice President’s EA but you’ll learn them through experience. You have the skills good enough to be his assistant in the first place. And he’s… he’s good at what he does. He’s good to people. Those should make things easier for you.”

“Hmm that’s true,” he replies, as you both head towards the elevator. “He seems a lot calmer than I’m used to. And more poised. And— I don’t know if I can say this but, more considerate, I suppose. He made sure everything was organized for my move. He checked on me when I arrived. He even got me a scooter because my old one was a bit rusty already.”

You smile to yourself. They’re simple things, and it makes you think that maybe Jungkook used to not show much care to his staff. Lucas doesn’t seem to hold resentment of any kind, so you suppose Jungkook just gave or did the bare minimum. If your relationship with him somehow influenced this kinder and perhaps softer version of him, then meeting you wasn’t so bad for him either.

Lucas rambles a little as he talks about being anxious working with all the bosses, and you wish there was a way that you could ease his worries. You understand it. You were in his shoes once, and you hope that your mentorship of him during this turnover period will be enough. 

“All that to say that I have large shoes to fill,” he adds. “And I just don’t want to disappoint him.”

“And you won’t,” you assure the younger man as you reach Jungkook’s floor. “You’re gonna be fine and the team is gonna support you. So will he, so you just do what you can and things will fall into place.”

Lucas sighs in relief and smiles. It’s the most you can do for now and you hope at least for today, it’s enough. 

You enter Jungkook’s apartment and a feeling of sadness rushes through you. Everything looks the same and it’s much too quiet than you’re used to. 

You tell Lucas what you normally do and he says that Jungkook’s doing away with breakfast.

“He knows I fast so we never really had meals in the morning,” Lucas says. “But it’s nice you got to prepare them for him. He was always too busy and didn’t realize he hadn't had anything to eat until past lunch time.”

You nod, realizing that you probably created that routine you both had. Jungkook used to just always go straight to business but at least with you, he was able to slow down a little and enjoy a meal. You’d come to like those moments, you smile to yourself. He felt a little more human to you then.

You go through Jungkook’s usual schedule and give Lucas a list of numbers to call, like his house cleaner and cook. There are other routines you share, and the young man starts to take note, as some of them are new due to Jungkook’s role. 

It’s not long after when the man himself shows up, walking into the kitchen donned in a dark blue suit. You reflexively take a step forward, ready to fix his crooked tie, but then you realize that this is one routine you’ve stopped doing for a while, so you put your hand down and bow to him in greeting. 

Jungkook just nods at you and then asks Lucas how the move was and if everything’s okay. The young man answers accordingly, with just enough information to not prolong the conversation. 

“It’s gonna be a hectic couple of weeks so it’s good you’ve settled in,” Jungkook says. “Have you gone through the building’s security process? Do you have access to my apartment now?”

“Yes, sir. Ms. Cho has briefed me about all of that,” Lucas says.

“Good,” Jungkook nods. “I’ll just grab my things and we can go. We’ll run through yesterday’s meeting and my schedule for the remainder of the week in the car.”

He walks towards his study to get his bag while you and Lucas stay behind.

“Aren’t you gonna fix his tie?” You whisper to the man next to you.

“Why, what’s wrong with it?” Lucas asks, turning to Jungkook and looks intently at his outfit.

“The knot is slightly to the right,” you point out.

Lucas takes a few seconds to answer before he nods in agreement. “I don’t really fix it but I could tell him.”

You’re all in the elevator and with Lucas looking a bit antsy, Jungkook asks him what’s wrong.

“Your… your tie is slightly to the right, sir,” Lucas says.

It prompts Jungkook to face the mirror, adjusting it himself numerous times until he figures it out. Turning around, with his eyes flitting to you, he asks, “is this alright?”

You nod, feeling the distance once again. 

Jungkook used to look at you in a way that always seemed to be more during this shared moment, with words and feelings unsaid, and you realize that so did you. It’s such a simple thing - fixing his suit, but it’s seconds where it’s all quiet and it’s just your breaths sharing space, your glances meeting, maybe your hearts beating a little too fast, a little too loud. 

But there’s none of that now. There’s just distance and it’ll get farther as time passes by, especially once all three of you make it to the car and you know, next to him is no longer the place you should be. You take the passenger seat, feeling unfamiliar when you hear his voice right behind you. 

Jungkook goes on about Lucas’ new role to include preparing his clothes for the week, which means styling him accordingly. It’s a task the younger man says makes him nervous, but Jungkook assures him.

“Just make sure the clothes match and that I don’t look ridiculous. And that, uh, my tie isn’t crooked.”

Lucas chuckles and says he’s up for the challenge before the conversation switches to the meetings today and tomorrow. Jungkook asks you questions and you fill in some other details. You’re not as on top of his schedule as you used to be, and he instructs that for the meetings after the turnover to Lucas, you’ll no longer be required to attend. You have leaves to take, Jungkook reminds you, and given that you’re set to start work elsewhere soon, having some time off would be good. 

“All noted, sir,” you say, and despite how you feel, you also agree. 

You arrive at the office and Lucas is promptly introduced to the team. He’s received well, as he’s able to match the young ones’ energy and you see the respect he has for the rest, including you. You already know he’s going to do well, and you make a mental note to tell Bitna and Mrs. Myung to look after him as well, the same thing you told Mr. Ri to do. 

While Lucas fixes his documents with HR, you decide to bring Jungkook a cup of coffee and some biscuits, unsure if he’s had any breakfast yet. He promptly looks up from his desk when you enter, nodding in acknowledgement when you place them on his desk. 

“Lucas is a fast learner and he’s good with people,” Jungkook says, surprising you, as you hadn’t expected him to start a conversation. “He just needs to work on being a leader and holding the team together. You’re… you’re very good at that. I know it’s a short time but I hope it’s something you could teach him.”

It takes a while for you to respond. Even if his tone is not the soft one you’ve gotten used to, his words still hold warmth in them - towards Lucas. And towards you. 

“I… I will, sir. And if it means anything, I think he’ll do well. He’s got good people looking out for him, including you.”

You want to return his kind words, but you also want to remind him that despite how you both started, he stood by your side and guided you. And that helped you be even more confident and capable in what you do. You hope it’s something you’re able to tell him, in a more truthful and vulnerable way he deserves, but there’s no place for that now. Yet the way he nods tells you that maybe he knows, and as you hold his gaze for a little longer than usual, you hope you’re also able to say a bit more. 

That you miss your mornings together. That days don’t feel the same without his soft laughter. That you’ve almost forgotten how his smile looks like. That there’s so much of him you want to keep even though you shouldn’t. That you hope he wishes, just like you, that you’d find your way back to him someday even if right now, you have to do this. 

The knock on the door signals that your shared moment has passed and you’re unsure if any of that reached him. Maybe not, as he turns away and just nods. 

Lucas enters, and you remind him of that building tour you said you’d give. He’s been to the office three times but only in the conference hall, so you decide to take him around before that meeting with the design department in an hour. Do-hyun will cover for both of you while you’re away, so Jungkook tells you to advise her that he won’t be taking any calls or visitors in the meantime. 

You nod, and Jungkook watches you walk out the door as he keeps himself steady like always, holding himself back from wanting you to stay a little longer, from asking how you’re doing, from taking you in his arms like he’s been wanting to do for days. 

It’s hard having to act like it doesn’t affect him, like it doesn’t break his heart seeing the sadness in your eyes with how he’s taking your departure. While that overheard conversation told him that you planned on leaving, he wasn’t ready for you to do it so soon. Perhaps he should’ve expected it - you both kissed and he went ahead and said the words he’d never said before, and that’s what caused you to push him away and decide that you didn’t want anything to do with him despite how you feel.

He doesn’t know if you ever planned on telling him the truth about who you are. He doesn’t know what your plans have always been and what they are now. He doesn’t know what you’re feeling and how you’re dealing with all these goodbyes. He supposes if he’d asked first, maybe things would have turned out differently, and you wouldn’t be leaving this way. Maybe he wouldn’t be hating himself for detaching so quickly and so certainly, as if he isn’t missing everything about you, as if he isn’t wishing that he could just hold you in his arms and have you stay there. 

It took everything in him not to fall apart when he saw your resignation letter. You’d been so certain and after what he learned, he didn’t want to hold you back anymore. He hoped you’d at least want to talk about what you felt, or perhaps assure him that leaving the company doesn’t mean leaving him for good. He kissed you and you kissed him back. And he can’t wrap his head around how you could do that and then so easily decide that being with him isn’t what you want.

It’s all too much, and the only thing he knows he could do for you is make the departure less difficult by making sure that you have nothing to worry about what you’re leaving behind. He made the executive decision to get Lucas, and it wasn’t hard getting his father’s approval this time around. Jungkook organized the whole move and all other turnover matters so that you wouldn’t be bothered by them. He recommended that you take your remaining leaves so you’d get some rest before you move on to your next job, wherever that is. He didn’t want you to be burdened by the extra tasks you have to do for him, including going to his apartment every morning. 

But disengaging with you, distancing himself… those are for his benefit. And for you, too, as he doesn’t want to linger and then be foolish by asking you to reconsider, or telling you that he still wants you, that he meant everything he said about what he feels, and that he wishes you’d assure him of your sincerity and tell him you want him just as much. Acting unaffected is the only way that he can maintain that sense of control, the one he lost when he decided to be honest with you and give in to his desires. 

He knows it’s not ideal but he doesn’t know how else to give you the freedom you deserve while wanting you next to him. A part of him holds onto the hope that you want that, too - to unburden yourself while being with him. He’d seen the sadness in your eyes these past days and he wants to think it’s because of the distance he’s creating, or because you miss him, too. He’s noticed your glances and lingering looks, he’d seen you stop yourself from fixing his tie this morning, and there’s a softness in your voice that’s different from how it usually is. 

But much as he has a lot to say, he also doesn’t know how to. He’s afraid that if he tries, you’ll push him away again, maybe further this time that he won’t know how to get you back. He’s afraid that you’ll look at him differently, that you’d think he doesn’t care about what you want, or that you’ll realize that it’s just not going to work. He doesn’t like what’s happening but he doesn’t think he’s ready for what would happen if he does anything else. 

So he stays where he is, close enough to see you, but not enough to feel your presence. Every second that he’s without you, he feels himself slipping away. He wants to give in but he knows he can’t, so he decides to do the only thing he knows - pull back, distance himself, disengage. 

He tells himself to just focus on the tasks at hand, that there are a lot more things that require his full attention, and it helps somehow. He presides over the meetings with the design team and then with marketing with few distractions. He sees you from his periphery taking minutes just as Lucas does, but Jungkook doesn’t comment on it. He just goes from one meeting to the next, one call to another one, and one email to a dozen more. 

The day is almost over before he knows it, as the knock on the door pulls him away from the budget report he’s reviewing. It’s a little disorienting seeing Lucas once it opens. That used to be you - asking if there’s anything else he needs before you head home. And Jungkook would often take a while to answer just to keep you a little longer before letting you go, even if he’s assured that he’ll see you again in the morning - in his kitchen preparing him a meal, the start of a routine that’s become the best part of his day. 

But it’s not you standing by his doorway now. And it won’t be you who’ll be in his penthouse in the morning. You won’t be asking if he got to rest well. You won’t be standing close to him as you fix his outfit, your eyes focused on the creases of his top while his eyes are focused on you. You won’t surprise him with fried rice or fancy-looking eggs on toast while you sneak glances at him to see if he enjoyed it, which he always does. You won’t be there to tease or bicker with him, and he won’t see your warm smile whenever he laughs or teases back.   

He doesn’t know how he survived the week without all of that. He knows he’ll have to learn how to get through everyday with that big, empty space you’re leaving. And he’s terrified that he’ll get used to it; the last thing he wants is to forget how it felt when you were still around. 

“Mr. Jeon?” Lucas calls out again, pulling Jungkook out of his thoughts. “I’m heading home. What time did you want me to be at your penthouse tomorrow morning?”

It’s silly but Jungkook feels protective of his mornings with you. If he’ll no longer have it, then he’ll just live in the memory by himself. So he tells Lucas to be at his place at 7:30 AM, right before they leave. 

“Understood, sir. I’ll see you then.”

Jungkook bids him goodbye and returns to his task, but he’s too distracted by the silence so he decides to go home. He enters the car, feeling the tiredness weigh his body down - not only does he stay up to work, he also wakes up early to do his workout. It’s only been a week but it’s catching up to him, and the deep sigh he releases catches Mr. Ri’s attention. 

“You should get proper rest,” the older man advises. “You’re gonna get sick at the rate you’re going.”

“I’m fine,” Jungkook huffs. “I’ll rest when I’m dead.”

“I should ask ___ to tell you to slow down. She knows how to make you listen, doesn’t she?”

“That’s not necessary,” Jungkook sighs, even if he knows it’s the truth. 

You had a calming way of telling him to take a pause, and he always listened because it’s you. 

“Then you better listen to me,” Mr. Ri says, eyeing him from the rearview mirror. “You need to be at your best these next few weeks and you won’t be if you push yourself too hard. You have a team that has your back. It’s all going to work out.”

“That’s exactly what she would say,” Jungkook shakes his head, suddenly hearing your voice in his head. 

“I know. And I bet you that she’d say it even more if she sees how you are now. You need to rest, Jungkook. I mean it.”

“Yeah, yeah,” he says in submission, deciding that he’ll just buy food on the way home and then call it a night. But the mention of your name has his mind going to you again. “Did… did she eat breakfast?” Jungkook asks.

“She did, and she liked it,” Mr. Ri responds. “You know, she still would’ve eaten it even if I said that you asked me to get those pastries for her. It wouldn’t have made a difference.”

“It would have. She’ll know it was from me.”

“And? Just because she’s leaving, it doesn’t mean you have to stop showing her that you care. And it doesn’t mean that she stopped caring, either.”

At Jungkook’s silence, the older man continues.

“Why do you do that? Why hide behind your pain? Why make excuses for what you feel about her? You think it’s easier that way?” he presses. “You think it helps you and her when you act like it doesn’t affect you?”

“She pushed me away, okay? What do you expect me to feel?”

“But she still cares about you, at least acknowledge that.”

“But I want her to want me,” Jungkook raises his voice, surprising himself with the burst of emotion he didn’t expect. “I don’t just want her to care. I… I want her to be with me. But she has a life to live beyond all this, and I don’t think she wants me to be a part of that.” 

Mr. Ri turns to Jungkook with sad eyes, unable to say anything else. He doesn’t know what kind of comfort the younger man needs. It starts and ends with you, it seems, and perhaps that’s expected. After Jungkook’s breakup with Chaerin, he kept his heart guarded and didn’t bother to let anyone have a peek. All encounters were shallow, all attempts at getting him to share himself were futile. Until you. And now that he’s shared a little bit of himself, with you turning away from it, he feels exposed and bare, and he has to build his walls back up again. 

Mr. Ri gets to witness it this time, and his heart breaks for the younger man, too. Having heard both sides, he knows that Jungkook respects your decision and wants to be with you. Those can coexist. He also knows that you want to be free from the ties that bind you to this family and want to be with him. Those can coexist as well. But he knows, more than anyone, that you’ll both have to make a decision, and you’ll both have to learn to do that. 

“I can’t tell you what to do, Jungkook. And I can’t tell her, either,” the older man sighs. “You’ll have to figure things out on your own and decide what you want to do because that’s the only way you’ll get to stand by your choices.”

It’s a piece of advice that Jungkook should follow, even if all he wants is for someone to tell him what to do. But perhaps that’s also hard if he can’t make sense of everything that he feels. And it’s both of you suffering at the end of it.

He stays quiet for the rest of the ride, wanting to just shut out his thoughts even if there are hundreds of them swimming in his mind. When Mr. Ri asks him where he wants to grab his dinner, Jungkook can’t decide and ends up going to a convenience store instead. He sighs to himself as he realizes the memories that’ll come up by being here; he wants to escape thoughts of you, but he still ends up thinking about you whatever he does, as if his mind and body gravitate towards you without realizing it. 

He buys instant noodles and some snacks. He munches on choco pie during the ride back to his penthouse and remembers the way you smiled when you ate it that night when he stayed with you. It’s an image he keeps until he falls asleep, and there’s that empty feeling again when he wakes up in the morning.

Lucas arrives that Friday as instructed and they leave for the office right away. They talk about the Arts Center and the schedule for the day, and they arrive at the building at the same time that you do. 

It’s a little tense sharing the elevator with you this time, especially as he formally greets you as if he wasn’t torturing himself with the thought of you all night. But you smile and act cordial, choosing to let the silence engulf all three of you and just deal with it. 

There are virtual meetings he has to attend, and Jungkook multitasks while reviewing some reports that are on his desk. There are some things he knows he needs to sign, so he calls your phone and asks them where they are. 

You walk inside his room with a folder of documents and promotional materials for his approval, setting them on his desk and explaining that Lucas was going to bring them in after he was done speaking with HR.

You watch as Jungkook, with scrunched eyebrows, goes through each sheet of paper. There’s so much tension on his face and his entire body, and you wonder if he’s been resting properly. Perhaps not, as you see the dark circles under his eyes.

“You don’t have to wait for Lucas to give these to me,” Jungkook says. “You still have that responsibility. You’re still my assistant.”

There’s no anger in his voice but you can’t help but feel defensive. He’s instructed you to focus on turning over files and functions, after all.

“Am I?” You find the courage to question him. “You’ve made yourself perfectly clear on what I’m only here for.”

Jungkook is taken aback by your words, not expecting you to say them with a mix of sadness and bitterness. But he answers back, unable to control himself this time. 

“And you’ve made yourself perfectly clear on what you want. And what you don’t want,” he says, more bitterly than he intended. 

Your face falls, and he hates himself for making you feel like this, so he backtracks.

“I’m just… trying to make things easier for you,” he reasons, glancing at you before returning his gaze to the papers. “There are lots of things to turn over and I prefer that you just focus on them. I need Lucas to know what to do because you always did, and that’s a big loss for the team. It’s not my intention to undermine you or… make you feel like I’m replacing you. I know I won’t be able to,” he says boldly. “You’re leaving and I’m just trying to deal with it the best way I know how.”

You look at him and see the mix of frustration and sadness on his face. This is all on you, and you hate that you don’t know what to do about it. So you accept his words in submission.

“I understand, sir,” you say, almost like a whisper. “I’m… I’m sorry.”

You bow then head out, leaving Jungkook rooted in his seat like always, knowing that a second more and he would’ve called you back, even if he doesn’t know what he’d say, just so he could be around you a few seconds longer. 

But he lets you go. Whatever he wants to say won’t make it out anyway. 

Jungkook gets through the rest of the day constantly distracted, always half-hoping it’s you when there’s a knock on the door, or glancing at your direction from his seat, expecting you’d be meeting his eyes. But it’s never you on the other side and you don’t look his way, and before he knows it, Lucas is saying goodbye and then Hoseok is calling to tell him to go home already. 

Jungkook tries, though. He finishes half a bottle of whiskey and then sleeps through mid-morning. He doesn’t really know what to do with the time he has and he hates that he has so much of it.

For the first time, he forces himself not to think about the Arts Center, so he decides to sketch some designs for the various residential projects he has in the pipeline. Some are still in their early stages but that Scandinavian-inspired building that he’s been visiting various properties for is still being conceptualized. He doesn’t want to rush, believing that the right design will come, and he hopes that by going through the photos from his trip with Hoseok and A-yeong to Europe last year, he’ll have that extra nudge or perhaps, a burst of inspiration.

The buildings are intricate and majestic, but it’s the little cafes that catch his attention, the fountains in the gardens, and the faraway shots he took of Hoseok and A-yeong as they laughed and danced about. There’s something captivating about the everyday moments, and when he clicks on the photo of the sky, he’s reminded that all those times, he was thinking of you - that clarity, the stability, the comfort. Jungkook always has a lot of things going on in his head but you’ve become that person who makes him stop and look around, who makes him see the beauty in things, who makes him want them for himself this time. 

There are some images that float through his mind for the project - large windows, spacious courtyards, open living spaces, muted palettes, tree-lined streets - but with all the comfort and beauty that those bring, his thoughts still shift to you. He remembers how you looked against the mountains during the team building, how the sun made you glow even more, how you looked at peace by the stream, and all he can think about is the sadness that comes with knowing they’re all just memories - still images in his mind that haunt him of what could’ve been. 

Jungkook decides to switch strategies an hour later, the emptiness of his penthouse adding to the emptiness he feels inside. Thinking that a change of scenery is what he needs, he puts on his tracks and hoodie and heads out for a run. There’s no destination in mind. He’ll just jog around town, stop if he feels like it, and then head on out again until the thought of you fades from his mind. 

He knows he’s not fooling anyone; he’ll probably still be thinking about you. But at least for those hours where he’s distracted by the sounds of the cars and the people in the streets, there’s less of you in there. 

It’s quite sunny out. It’s mid-afternoon and he likes the feel of the sweat in his body, the heat contrasting the occasional burst of wind. He stops by a garden, then a convenience store for a drink, then runs up a trail to get a view of the city. The sun starts to set and Jungkook takes it slow. With his hands in his pockets, he leisurely walks to a nearby neighborhood that he hasn’t been to before. 

He appreciates the calmness this time and thinks that maybe spending his weekends like this every once in a while isn’t so bad. But he thinks of other ways he could spend it and with whom. Finding new restaurants to eat at and places to explore with you flash through his mind. So does watching your variety shows with you on the couch or some local film like what you enjoy doing on your own. 

Jungkook doesn’t fight against it this time. He realizes that the more he resists it, the angrier he’ll be, and he doesn’t want to feel that anymore. He wasn’t mad at you, he was mad at the situation. He was mad at himself for waiting too long, for not handling things properly, for not talking to you about it… for not being honest about what he really wanted early on. He’s trying not to be selfish by letting you walk away, but maybe that’s selfish, too, if all he’s focused on is how he deals with it, without considering how it’s also affecting you. 

He sighs to himself. He’s feeling so much, and this hasn’t happened in a long time. He wasn’t good at this then, and it seems that he hasn’t learned; he doesn’t know how to express what he feels even now. 

The sound of children’s laughter catches his attention, and Jungkook turns to his left and finds himself outside of the neighborhood park. The playground is hidden behind large trees, and as if by some serendipitous occurrence, he walks inside and finds a bench to sit on. It’s where he stays as he watches the last remaining child leave the swing and head home. 

Silence envelopes him now. He remembers his childhood - how he disliked playing in the nearby playground because he was always teased for being the shy and quiet kid, how his brother laughed along, and how his father constructed one for him so he could enjoy it for once. His brother never joined him, choosing to stay in the treehouse built for him on the other side of their property, and Jungkook liked it that way. 

He would climb up the small rock wall and then slide down the slide. He’d swing himself as high as he could, giggling loudly because of the ticklish feeling in his stomach and no one would hear him. He’d look through the telescope and gaze at the stars in the evening. On some afternoons, he’d sit on the little bench and just draw cars and buildings and houses on his sketch pad, just like he’d seen his father do. Out there, he felt like he could be anyone. He could do anything and feel anything and not be afraid. No one was going to hurt him. Nothing would make him feel unwanted - not the birds, not the butterflies, not the bees that he’d watch from afar. 

His old man may have always been busy but he built that playground for him without Jungkook asking him to. They were words that his father couldn’t say, apologies that he couldn’t voice out, a desire for more time that he couldn’t express or maybe even commit to, which is why they remained unspoken. 

After the incident at the cabin when Jungkook felt abandoned, he stopped playing. He stopped going outside, afraid of the open air, of the possibility that the rain would come, of his father joining him in a space that used to be one where no one could disappoint him. 

Time passed and the apologies were still unspoken. The emotions were kept hidden, the desire left unsaid. But they remained. Jungkook knew because his father kept that playground in its spot despite the renovations done in the estate over the years. He maintained them, too, making sure that he seals them regularly, that he repairs damages, that he paints them once the color has started to fade.

Jungkook knew this because every time he visited their home, he always spent some time there. And he saw that the playground always looked the way it did when he first saw it over 20 years ago. He was there last week, and he remembers that in the midst of his outburst, being there calmed him down. 

Despite all the painful memories in between, and even if he’d outgrown it already, the safety was still there. It held memories, it felt like freedom, it held that child-like belief that he could do and be anything and he could be happy.

And as Jungkook watches the sky turn dark, the calmness overtakes him. Any playground elicits that kind of feeling, and he hears the apologies, he feels the emotions, he understands the desire. 

He realizes that he’s very much like his father, just as you and Mr. Ri and Hoseok have told him. Because much as the old man is good at many things, expressing how he feels is one thing he struggles with. That’s why he builds things. He builds homes for his wife and a treehouse and playground for his sons. 

And like some epiphany, Jungkook realizes that he may not be able to express what he feels, but he may be able to show you. The words may never be enough, even as they remain unsaid, but he can at least give you a space that matters to you, a place just like his playground that you could go to to feel safe, where you could be anyone, where you could do anything and feel anything and not be afraid. 

It will be a place where no one can hurt you, not even him, and where you’ll always be wanted - by the characters in your picture books, and the birds and butterflies and bees that you’ll color. You may have outgrown them, but he knows that the memories of your childhood will remind you that there’s a place for you, in his heart especially. 

His mind starts to race, with designs and details flashing through his mind. He rushes home and starts working, and he doesn’t leave his study until 3 in the morning. But he’s satisfied, and he spends the next day making calls and other arrangements, ensuring that the plans are set for dissemination to the team. 

It’s a monumental task for the time that he has. The Arts Center opening isn’t far from now. He’ll probably earn the ire of everyone involved, including his father, but Jungkook will just have to deal with all that. 

Right now, what matters is that he gets to do this to show you how he feels. He doesn’t know when you’ll see it, if you’ll decide to go when it opens in a few weeks, but he hopes that when you do, you’ll know that you made him feel something that he hasn’t in a long time, and he hopes that if he no longer gives you that feeling of comfort and safety that he’s been giving, then there’s a place that he built so you’d feel all those again.

You sit on your desk that Monday morning and try to act as if all your contrasting emotions aren’t weighing heavily on you. 

Being with your friends over the weekend helped, as you took the train to meet them this time and told them everything that’s happened. You apologized for not telling them right away, but they knew that it was important for you to feel everything on your own first and try to figure it out. You said you really hadn’t - deciding to leave seemed so simple but the feelings and the truth complicated them, and now you’re left with a broken heart and the belief that Jungkook won’t forgive you, that he won’t want you anymore, that he'll just let you walk away without any closure.

Soomin and Jimin just held you and listened. They knew from the start it would be difficult. Your past wasn’t something you talked about so easily, and it took you years to even tell them your story, how you ended up in Busan and why you had to return to Daegu because it was already safe for you to go back home. There was no judgment, only support, even when you decided to enter the company and work for the people that you felt you owed your life to.

Their resentment towards Jungkook stemmed from how he treated you at the beginning; they knew that yours was the same. But they never questioned your sincerity when it came to how you felt - you’re never like this, they said. It takes a lot for you to let someone in and ties to his family isn’t enough for that. If anything, that’s what told them it was real - you would’ve tried hard to control the feelings but you still gave in, and for you to think he was worth that even for the briefest moment means he probably was. 

Their perspective affirmed you in a way. This wasn’t just some silly crush on your boss, but this also wasn’t something you could just easily forget or get over. Your happiness always comes first, and it may look like a life with him in it, but it doesn’t mean he gets to be part of it right now. It’s also possible it’s one without him, and if it is, then you’re just going to have to learn to accept that. 

You sigh to yourself. You’re in no better place than you were last week, but at least you have less days left in being here. But then again, that also just means the closer you are to really saying goodbye. 

You go through your checklist of things to turn over and do before you leave, and while you’re halfway through, putting together event and project portfolios and documenting best practices still takes a lot of time. 

You’re about to begin your first task of the day when you hear rushed footsteps. Lucas scurries over to your side to leave his things then grabs some folders.

“Hey, is everything okay?” You ask the visibly stressed man next to you.

“Uh, yeah,” he responds. “Mr. Jeon called for a meeting about the Arts Center and there are changes. He wants to add something.”

“At this stage?” You ask worriedly. 

“Yeah. It seems like it’s quite a bit of work. I’m… I’m freaking out because this is a really big project and —I”

“Won’t disappoint him, I’m sure of it,” you try to comfort him. “You’ll be fine, Lucas. Just take a breath and take it one step at a time. I’ll be right here.”

You smile at him warmly, hoping that the bit of encouragement would help. The opening is a few weeks from now. At this point, focus should just be on finishing touches, finalizing government certifications, and promotion, but with how Lucas seems a bit rattled, the changes might indeed be a bit overwhelming. 

He excuses himself to prepare the conference room and get the team then leaves, and as you’re about to follow him, Jungkook exits his office then stands by the hallway. 

“Ms. Cho,” he calls out, prompting you to stay in your place. “There is no need for you to attend the meetings about the Arts Center.”

You’re taken aback by his statement but you recover. 

“But… it’s opening in a few weeks, sir. There’s lots to do, and Lucas just said there are changes,” you counter. “If there’s anything I can do to help, you know I would.”

“I know that,” he says. “And I’m saying that there’s no need this time. The team can manage. You’ve taught them well.”

“But—”

“You’ve tendered your resignation, Ms. Cho,” he reminds you, his tone a little softer than it’s been recently. “Your remaining days here are meant for turnover and mentoring Lucas in his general functions, and not to take on added or continuing responsibilities.”

He may have a point, but it doesn’t take away from your sadness over no longer knowing how the preparations are going. You’ve become invested in the Arts Center this past year, too, and while you knew you had to let that go as well, it doesn’t mean it’s easy.

“Understood, sir,” you concede, bowing your head down in submission. “I’ll continue with my reports, then.”

He just nods, and you don’t miss the tinge of apology in his eyes. He leaves, and you’re left alone again; you think that’s how you’ve been feeling all this time. 

You get on with your task, and it’s not long after when Hoseok enters, his bright smile only doing little to raise your spirits. 

“Hey, ___,” he greets. “How are you holding up?” 

“Just fine,” you try to smile. “Are you looking for Jungkook? He’s not here right now. He’s meeting the team about the Arts Center and if you’re wondering why I’m not there, it’s because he didn’t want me to be. First he replaces me, and then he excludes me and I just feel so… I…”

“Seems like you’re less than fine,” Hoseok says sullenly. “I’m so sorry, ___. I know this has been hard for you. For both of you.”

You know it is. But you suppose that you and Jungkook deal with difficulties differently. 

“You… you understand why I had to do this, right?” You ask. 

“I do,” he affirms, his eyes softening even further. “And so does Jungkook. And that’s the hard part. He doesn’t want you to go but he knows you have to do this for yourself. I guess… Your decisiveness hurt him. And with what I’m seeing now, I guess his acceptance hurt you, too.”

“I… I’m such a mess. Maybe I deserve all this,” you sigh. “How could I kiss him, push him away, leave him, want him, but can’t bring myself to be with him?”

“Because you’re human and could want things that you’re afraid of? Because it’s possible to want to find yourself while also being next to someone else yet still think it’s not enough?” Hoseok says. “It’s normal to feel all this, ___. But figuring things out also takes time. Don’t be too hard on yourself, okay? Not knowing what to do now is understandable.”

“I… I only have a few weeks left here,” you say softly. “Maybe this is how he wants this all to end.”

“What about you? Is this how you want it to end?”

“I don’t know, but maybe it’s easier,” you try to convince yourself. “It’s easier to walk away when I know I’m not wanted. Maybe that’s what I made him feel, and I can’t blame him if that’s what he wants me to feel in return.”

“Oh, ___,” Hoseok shakes his head, knowing it’s not the truth. “You and Jungkook just need to talk. Then you’d know you want the same things.”

“Maybe… but we’re not good at that. And it doesn’t mean we want the same things at the same time,” you reason. 

“So it’s about timing, then?”

“I guess. But we’re not good at that either,” you laugh dryly at the absurdity of it. “Look, even without all this, he already has a lot of things in his mind. The biggest project of his life is about to be unveiled soon and I… I have a life to live after this. I’m doing what I should’ve done years ago and the least I could do for myself is stand by the decision I made. I know I’d regret it if I stayed. I don’t want to regret the way I walked away.”

It’s a thought you’re slowly coming to, as you look back at how the week has been. You’ve been receiving nothing but praise and encouragement from your colleagues. You’ve been getting emails from various companies that want to recruit you after you put your resume through an online job site. There are so many possibilities now that you’ve put one foot out the door, and while you know of the possibilities you’re also leaving behind, you know deep down that you would’ve regretted it if you stayed, and you don’t want to tie that decision to Jungkook and end up resenting him for it.

The only thing that’s been keeping you down is what that decision is doing to you and Jungkook. It’s one you hope you’re able to fix, or at least mend enough that you’ll only have the good memories with you, and that so would he.

“I’m just really sorry,” Hoseok says, knowing that much as he’d like to help you and his cousin sort things out, it’s difficult when neither of you are unable to sort out your own feelings. “But I’m not just here to talk about that. I… I wanted to give you this.”

Hoseok hands you a sealed envelope and you look at him curiously.

“I know Jungkook gave you his recommendation letter, but I thought another one won’t hurt,” he smiles, letting you feel the warmth of it. 

You know that companies usually just call for references, but a letter like this - especially from a well-known corporation’s top executive - gives you an advantage that others don’t have. You suppose that when you received one from Jungkook, it was a show of support. You have no doubt that with Hoseok, it’s him telling you that he’ll always have your back, wherever you may be.

“Oh, Hoseok,” you say, feeling all the emotions come at once. 

It’s insane to think that almost a year ago, you were in this same spot with him encouraging and assuring you that he’ll always be around. Back then, you were anxious about being led by someone new who you knew was nothing like the man you admired. And now you’re here again, and Hoseok is giving you that same comfort that he always has, and the thought that you won’t even be in the same building as him is causing a crack in your heart. You hope one day, you’ll be able to fully express just how much his kindness has given you hope and so much to look forward to. 

“Thank you,” you smile through your glassy eyes. “You… you’ve taught me so much. I hope you know that much of the confidence I have now is because of you. I’m terrified of this new journey but I’m confident that I’ll do well. You believed in me first and I’ll never forget that.”

“Being a good leader is something I learned to become because of you, ___. And because of the team. I admire you for so many things, and I’m pretty sure that wherever you choose to go, the company will be so lucky to have you.”

“I hope so,” you remark, knowing that’s another thing you have to deal with. “I… I have a few options. A few companies have reached out but there’s a publishing house that I’m leaning towards. I met the editor some time ago and that encounter just stuck with me and I feel like that kind of environment would suit me.”

“That’s great to know,” he says excitedly. “I can’t wait to hear about it. A-yeong and I will take you out to dinner once things have settled down, okay?”

“That would be great. I can’t wait for that, too.”

Hoseok bids you goodbye, leaving you alone with your thoughts for the next two hours. Whatever changes are happening with the Arts Center must be big, as it’s taking the team this long to iron things out. 

It’s close to lunch time when the meeting ends. Jungkook walks in while on a call, while Lucas sits next to you looking a little stressed.

“Everything alright?” You ask.

“Yeah. There are just last minute changes but Mr. Jeon’s on top of it,” Lucas says. “He just wants us to make sure we’re on top of the other things and I’m honestly still familiarizing myself with the details of the Arts Center. I’m just nervous I’m gonna miss something.”

“Hey, that’s what I’m here for,” you assure him. “I know you were just thrust into this at such a critical time where you don’t have much leeway to adjust and that’s on me and I’m sorry. But that’s also why I’m gonna make sure that I’ll help you as much as I can.”

“Thanks, I need that,” Lucas sighs. “I can’t help but think that a year ago, I was almost supposed to be here. I mean, we can talk about it now. Mr. Jeon said he planned on taking me with him because he doesn’t want a new assistant that he has to get used to, you know? I always knew he hated change and I was the one thing that was familiar but it didn’t work out. Even I knew it wasn’t gonna happen - CEO Jeon approves these appointments and the EA of the VP needs to be familiar with the company culture and process and I wasn’t. I wasn’t really upset but I let myself think of living in Seoul for a short while and it seemed exciting. But things happen for a reason, and I think if I had to adjust then while helping Mr. Jeon with this project, I probably would’ve caved in and quit.”

Lucas turns to you with a smile. “What I mean to say is that, I admire you so much for being able to manage all this. And I know I have incredibly big shoes to fill and I think I’m more terrified about that, but I’m really thankful that you’re there to guide me, ___. Whatever tip and strategy and cheat sheet you can provide will be much appreciated.”

“Of course,” you assure him. “I’ve got spreadsheets and checklists and profiles and guidelines to turn over to you. And I’m always a call away, okay?”

He nods in gratitude, and you tell him that you both have time to sort through all those and that you’ll be finished in time for your last day. You agree on having lunch together so you could talk about the Board members and the other executives, and he says he has to see Jungkook first to get his signatures for some documents.

“Oh, can you, uh, can you give this to him, too?” You ask, passing him your leave request. It was during your time alone when you decided when to take them, knowing that you’re gonna slowly have to get used to being away from this place as well.

Lucas takes it then returns shortly after with your signed form. There’s relief in knowing you get to organize your life somehow. There are interviews to attend and a lot of your things to fix. There are feelings to make sense of, too. 

And as you and Lucas talk about his move and the worry and excitement he feels, you think that you’ve got to stop thinking of goodbyes. There’s a life for you out there, and if by some way you find Jungkook in there, too, then at least you’d know you chose him, and that if he’d forgiven you then, then you’re assured that he’s chosen you, too.

You spend the entirety of Tuesday orienting Lucas about your spreadsheets and other files, and you both come up with a system that suits his style of work. Jungkook was out the whole day, and though you suppress the feeling of missing him, it’s one that haunts you until you lay in your bed that night.

You take the rest of the week off. You spend Wednesday cleaning your apartment and then having dinner with the elderly couple next door who amuse you with their love story and memories of their youth. 

You meet Namjoon on Thursday for that official interview he’s been waiting for. You can’t help but envision yourself in the office with the dynamism of the teams and the laid-back feel of the entire space. You’d commit yourself right then and there if it didn’t make you look that desperate, but it’s Namjoon who encourages you to go to the other interviews you have lined up. 

It’s a risk, he says; he might lose you if another more appealing company states their case. But he wants you to choose them without regrets; he wants you to choose them because you’ve seen what’s out there and decided that they’re who you want and who you see yourself being happy in. You don’t miss his slightly nervous face when you agree, but you suppose that if you’re going to do this now, might as well do it right.

You go to two other interviews that Friday, and while trying out events management was always in the back of your mind, it’s nice to see just how the job and the tasks excite you.

It’s the first time you’re feeling like you actually have options. Back then, even if there were other opportunities, you chose working for the Jeons because of a debt you felt you had to pay. You limited your own choices, but now, you feel what it’s like to take control of your own life, and it’s liberating to not have any baggage with you this time around. 

Jimin and Soomin pay you a visit that weekend. They drive you around, thinking that the beauty of spring would inspire you even more. It’s fitting, they say, as you start a new phase in your life while the flowers bloom and greet you. But as you pass by a park and see the colors of the sky and buy some convenience store snacks on the way home, you can’t help but think of Jungkook.

Missing him feels a little odd. You didn’t know what it felt like until his trip at the end of last year, but you always knew he was gonna come back. This time, you’re unsure of when you’ll see him again. You spent time with him in a work environment, so being away from him and doing everyday things shouldn’t even affect you this much. But you suppose it’s the idea of what could have been that you miss, even if you don’t really know what that’s like. 

You spend Monday and Tuesday the next week the same way. There’s just one executive meeting each day that you attend to assess how Lucas manages it, but other than that, you barely see Jungkook in the office. He stays in his room all morning then heads out in the afternoon, and you leave before he could even make it back. It reminds you that you truly left him at a critical time. You don’t know if he’s eating well, if he’s getting proper rest, if he’s tending a bruised knuckle or dealing with a headache. You don’t know if the stress is getting to him, if the anxiety is slowly building up, or if it’s just excitement he feels and that he can’t wait for everything to come together. 

You hope for his sake, it’s the latter. You want nothing more than to assure him that things will turn out the way he wants, that the intended audience will love the Arts Center, and that he’s already achieved so much with just this. You hope he’s proud of himself the way you are, and that he knows that if there’s anything he leaves you with, it’s your own pride that you got to be part of something beautiful, and it’s that search for connection and intimacy and meaning that got you yearning for those things, too. 

You take the rest of the week off again. You run errands one day, go to an interview the next, and then walk around town the day after. It feels like you’re back to that state of being alone but not feeling lonely; there’s just that added sense of freedom this time. 

You’re not stressed about work. Time isn’t flying too fast. You don’t feel like you’re rushing, going from one task to another for the sake of it. You have space to think and feel. Even at such a short period of time, you’re learning what things excite you and what you want to explore. And that’s liberating, now that you’re able to pull yourself out of the routine that contained you for years, one that made you believe it was all you had and all you deserved. You think that this isn't so bad, and the constant sadness you feel slowly fades away as the days pass.

But then you return to work on Monday - your final week - and the illusion breaks. 

Lucas has to meet with the marketing department, so he asks you to prepare Jungkook’s coffee in the morning. You feel quite sentimental doing it, as you know that there probably won’t be a next time.   

You knock on the door, and when he asks you to come in, you suddenly feel anxious. You place the cup on his desk, making sure you put the biscuits like you always do. 

Jungkook senses when you step back, lingering like you’ve been doing the few times you’ve done it. You used to do it because you expected he’d have something to ask you whenever you entered his room. But recently, he feels it’s you just waiting - for him to say something, perhaps, or for you to find the courage to speak up.

But you never do. And he never says what he really wants to. 

“It’s your last week, Ms. Cho,” he states, focusing on his iPad screen so as not to torture himself with the sight of you. “How’s your clearance going?”

“Uh, it is, Mr. Jeon,” you reply. “Finance and HR have cleared me. IT and security will clear me on my last day. And I’ll submit to you my final deliverables on Wednesday. You can sign off my form then.”

He nods, and you torture yourself by standing by even if he doesn’t seem to have anything else to say. You’re about to excuse himself when he speaks again.

“Please free up your Friday evening. We’ll have a team send-off dinner for you.”

“I, uh. Understood, sir. Thank you.”

He nods once more, and it’s your signal to leave. He’s never felt so far away, but you suppose it’s the kind of distance you need. 

You walk back to your seat, the reality of your last week hitting you, especially when you find Do-hyun and Yohan by your desk, looking somber as they reach out for a hug. You return it, with Do-hyun pointing it out, and she frowns when you say that you’ll be without it for a long time. 

“Is everything alright?” You ask them. 

“Yes,” they respond in unison. 

“We just want to spend as much time with you as we can,” Yohan states. “I know we’ve all been busy but… it’s your last week. So let’s have lunch today, and any other day when you’re free. Please?”

“Of course,” you say. “Food hall today?”

They nod excitedly, and you spend your lunch time at the outdoor space, laughing about, with Lucas slowly but surely finding his place within the team. 

That afternoon, Yoongi drops by and says he has lots of things going on because of the changes Jungkook is making, but he’ll meet you when you want to. He reminds you that he’s there when you need him; he’ll turn down the other man if it comes down to it. But he’ll drop by everyday until your last day, he says; he doesn’t want to feel like he didn't see you enough. 

You assure him that he’s the one person you’d definitely meet up with outside of work, and so there’s no limit when it comes to him. 

On Tuesday, you have lunch with some people from the marketing department whom you’ve gotten close to these past months, and on Wednesday, Bitna and the other assistants take you out to dinner. 

CEO Jeon and Hoseok take you out to lunch on Thursday, stating that they wanted to check in and ask what your plans are. They assure you that they’re there should you need support in any way; the company is likewise always going to have a place for you. And with the sincerity in their eyes and their hope of you finding your place and your happiness, you know they mean well. So you take that time to ask for advice, too. 

It ends in laughter, as you recall your early days at the company and the mishaps with Hoseok. You talk about some of the issues you’ve been privy to and some details about your life that they missed. Talking with them feels comfortable now that there’s an acknowledgment of your ties to their family. You can tell that despite of and after everything, CEO Jeon truly cares for you and your mother, and that he’ll be eternally sorry yet grateful to both of you. 

You’re thankful that they don’t mention Jungkook. You wouldn’t know how to react if they did, especially since you’ve barely seen him all week. Missing him has become natural that you’ve just accepted it, including the fact that you can’t do anything about it. Maybe you’ll always be too scared to let him know, too. 

It’s Friday before you know it. You manage to get everything done on time, and Jungkook calls you to his office that morning to return your signed clearance form. You hate how you’re both back to this tense dynamic whenever you enter his room - lingering looks, clenched jaws, deafening silence… and words you want to say and hear but know you never would. You’re both not built for that, you think; there’s always so much to feel but not enough courage to face them. 

This room holds so many memories - when he got mad, when you stood up to him, when he said he needed your help, when he kissed you and you kissed him back… when you pushed him away. 

But this isn’t where you say goodbye. There’s still that team dinner tonight and you hope you get to leave him with a proper farewell and a sincere expression of thanks for all that he’s taught you. You want to wish him good luck on the Arts Center opening. You want to tell him that you believe he’ll keep doing great things, you want to remind him to take proper rest, to take his breaks seriously, and to enjoy all that’s ahead of him. 

So you settle for a smile, as genuine as you can make it, before heading out and closing the door behind you. 

You return to your desk and go over some other things with Lucas that he needs clarifications on. You both spend lunch with the team and then resume your final turnover. 

It’s shortly after 3 PM when Jungkook comes out of his room with his bag in hand, and he instructs Lucas to get some blueprints from Chin-sun before they both leave to go to the Arts Center for a visit. The man next to you gets up and tells you he’ll see you at dinner, leaving you and Jungkook alone this time. 

It’s that lingering look again and he stays rooted in his spot, his eyes getting more distant as the seconds pass. 

“I wish you well, ___,” he says, the use of your name with words that seem like goodbye causing a crack in your heart. “Good luck. And thank you.”

He doesn’t wait for a response as he leaves right after, and you’re left with your heart in your hands, one that keeps calling his name. You think it will continue to do that after all this. 

You spend the rest of the afternoon packing your things and entertaining all those who drop by to say goodbye. Yoongi messages to say he’s out on a project site but that he’ll see you soon, and it’s something you look forward to after things have settled down. 

You find yourself in a private room at a nice restaurant with the team not long after. You can order anything, you’re told, and Do-hyun and Yohan don’t hesitate on choosing the dishes that they wouldn’t have been able to eat if it wasn’t for their boss paying for this meal. 

“Shouldn’t we wait for Lucas and Mr. Jeon?” You ask, looking around and feeling incomplete. 

“This dinner is for you, and you’re here,” Do-hyun points out. “But I guess we can wait.”

You settle for some appetizers and get to talking. They’re less sentimental than they were a few weeks ago. They say they’ve made peace with everything and are just happy that you’re able to take a break and have time for yourself before going back to the grind. It’s all talk and laughter, and when Lucas arrives, everybody cheers because then, you can all have your food served.

“Where’s Mr. Jeon?” Do-hyun asks before you do. 

“He’s at the Arts Center dealing with the laborers and the design team,” Lucas says regrettably. “Seems like there’s too much work and he can’t make it to dinner. I doubt he even eats at this point. He’s there every afternoon and doesn’t leave until late at night.”

“Is everything alright?” You ask, a mix of worry and sadness at how much he’s pushing himself, and that he didn’t even have the heart to see you one last time.

Perhaps that short exchange earlier was his final goodbye, you think. And now you wouldn’t even be able to say yours. 

“Yeah, you know how he is when he focuses on something,” Lucas sighs. “He just locks in and doesn’t care about anything else. He’s always been like that and I guess that hasn’t changed. But he did say he wants us to enjoy tonight, so order anything you want and he’ll take care of it.”

You mask the disappointment by laughing through Do-hyun and Yohan arguing about the best way to attack the menu, but you can’t help the way your eyes flit to the door every time it opens, hoping Jungkook would walk through it. But it’s never him.

Mr. Ri walks in right as the main dishes are served, and you look at him in question. He returns your dejected look with a shake of his head, as if he knows what you're thinking. 

You suppose that this is how Jungkook wanted to end things - by not showing up, by leaving the wound uncovered. You didn’t realize it would hurt like this. 

Maybe you deserve it. Maybe you don’t. But with the empty seat on the table reminding you of the man who chose to not give you a final goodbye because you’d done yours so certainly, you’re starting to think that it doesn’t really matter. He gets to choose how he deals with this, like he said. And you have no choice but to do the same.

You try your hardest to keep up with the team’s energy. They’re at least no longer crying, although you wish they were so you’d have a reason to cry yourself, because that’s what you’re trying hard not to do. It’s probably because of the sadness at knowing that you won’t experience this with them anymore; you won’t share the laughter and the stories that you used to. Everything is sinking in already, and it’s reality hitting you that you’re really going to start a new journey soon, and that you had to let go of someone incredibly important for that to happen. 

The Jungkook-shaped hole in your life will probably get bigger as the days pass, but that’s just another thing missing that you’ll have to find substitutes for, just like you do for everything else. 

You manage to get through dinner with dry eyes, even when you’re presented with farewell gifts. Lucas hands you a large box - a present from the VP’s Office, he says, and you smile in awe when you see a coffee pod maker that’s a similar version to the one you have at the pantry. 

“You won’t be going around making other people’s coffee anymore,” Manager Lee says. “So this is for your home. You’ll be on-the-go and busy but at least you’ll have this. It’s also so you’ll always remember us.”

“It’s also how I started,” you point out, recalling your internship days at the company. “But this is great. Please uh, please thank Mr. Jeon for me.”

“And this is from us,” Do-hyun smiles, handing you another box. “Like, this is from our own pockets. And we thought of every single thing in there so don’t forget about us. Ever.”

You open it and find a lot of the things that they know you can’t live without - a tumbler, a mug, notebooks, colored pens and highlighters, post-its, little jars of snacks and candies. There are also self-care items like scented candles and essential oils. In a little bag, there are two disposable cameras and vouchers to your local theater. 

And underneath all of those is a complete photo of your team, the one taken during your team building not long ago. Everyone looks refreshed and carefree. Including you. And then there’s Jungkook next to you, hands in his pockets and sporting what you know is a genuine smile. It’s a good reminder of your time together, and despite everything, you’re glad you have something to always keep close to you.

You return their hugs, each one carrying so much care and warmth that you missed out on because you were never one to accept them, to ask for them. You finally say goodbye and make a promise that you’ll catch up with them one of these days, one you know you’ll keep.

You all walk out. Mr. Ri helps you with your things then leads you towards the car. 

“Last one for old time’s sake,” he smiles at you. “And it’s late. Let me drive you home.”

You don’t resist, knowing that as someone who’s looked after you for so many years, never faltering in his commitment to your mother or you, you’re truly going to miss him. 

Sitting on the passenger seat, you look out the window and try to amuse yourself with the scenes outside. There are cars passing by and people trying to get home, probably grateful that another week is over. You wonder how many of them are nursing broken hearts, or are running away from something, or are hoping someone they pushed away comes back. 

The tears are falling before you know it, and as you try to hold in your sniffles, you see Mr. Ri from your periphery glance at you before turning on the radio, gradually making the music louder so as to drown out your sounds. That continues for a while until the streets start to look familiar. Somehow, you dread going home - being alone at a time like this feels a little too much, but maybe you deserve that, too. 

You arrive at your apartment, and Mr. Ri helps you in bringing all your stuff inside. He stays by the door and his soft eyes prompt you to speak.

“I thought he’d come,” you whisper. “I thought I’d see him one last time. He… he couldn’t even say goodbye.”

“You know it’s not always easy for people to do that,” he says. “Letting you go was hard enough. What if he says something that would push you even farther away?”

“I can’t be any farther than I am right now,” you sigh. “But we did this to each other. I didn’t want to stay and he… just let me walk away. I hurt him but everything else after hurt me, too. And I… I wish it didn’t. I—”

You’re unable to speak as you cry once more, all the conflicting emotions suffocating you from within. And all Mr. Ri can do is wipe your tears with his handkerchief and hope that could stop them somehow.

“This hurts me,” he utters the words so softly and so heavy with emotion. “It’s like watching my daughter get her heart broken.”

It’s what makes you smile, and you take the piece of cloth from him and dry your eyes.

“I could’ve been,” you say, knowing that he wanted a family at one point.

“That’s true. But most times I think that I would’ve been too burdened by what I’ve done that I wouldn’t have been able to love your mother the way she deserves,” he reasons. “And I’ll always think that I let her go so that she could find someone like Min-woo who’d love her without reservations, who’d be able to give her a life that she’d always dreamed to have and to give you.”

Mr. Ri recalls his own decisions and the heartbreaks that followed right after. They conflicted him, too, but in life, knowing what you want doesn’t always mean you get to express it the way you want to. Sometimes doing it makes it harder for everyone involved, and that’s what he thinks is what’s happening with you and Jungkook, too.

“I think it’s what Jungkook has learned,” he continues. “He has to let you go so you could find whatever happiness it is that you couldn’t find where you are. And as for you, you have to know that letting someone go right now doesn’t mean you can’t ever have them again. You just have to stop thinking you don’t deserve to want it.”

You take his words to heart as you bid him goodbye, and they stay in your head as you force yourself to sleep later that night. 

You don’t know what kind of happiness you’re searching for. You don’t even know what happiness could truly be like with Jungkook, and the thought that maybe you’ll never know starts to scare you. It’s one you think you’d like to one day experience. But how could you when you pushed him away? Is it even something you could still want, given what you’ve done? Is it something he’d want to know as well? In the midst of the mess you created, could it still happen? 

You’re reminded of what CEO Jeon had said not long ago, and you try to comfort yourself with it. You crossed paths with Jungkook for a reason. You’ve started to believe that you’re losing him for a reason. You just have to trust that if it’s meant to be, you’ll find him again for a reason as well. 

You just hope that when you do, he’ll take you back again, ask you to stay, and you’ll be able to tell him with your whole heart that you will. And that it’s something you won’t ever regret.

Series Masterlist

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[swifty-fox]

hi, sorry to pop in like this. i've followed you for a while and i was intrigued by your mota posting, so when i was on an airplane recently i watched the first three episodes on the free in-flight service, and... first off THANK YOU for that. i have now finished the whole series and fucking loved it??

anyway, second off--i hope this isn't too awkward but i was hoping i could ask a million questions about like...... what your experience is writing fic and how you tag things and approach the historical aspects etc? i've just started poking around at the ao3 tag but i'm getting fic ideas and i'm not sure how to go about the tagging/writing/etc

(either way, i'm excited to dive into your fics because some of these are 👀👀👀)

HELLO I LOE YOU WELCOME TO DEAD GAY PILOTS!!!!!!!

First and foremost, I would recommend following @hogans-heroes who knows all things plane and has written up some good info on how they work. And also pilots in general

@thatsrightice has a TON of good research done about the irl boys as well

And in general check out the tag for all our lovely lovely writes there's so many to name.

For meeee i think the HboWar fandom understands the separation from the real guys and the fictionalized versions we play dolls with. Some people will put disclaimers but not all. Generally you're not going to piss anyone off by exploring them through a queer lense so long as nobody's harassing the real family members (really only find them in the FB groups. @bcolfanfic has had some sweet exchanges with the Egan and Crosby family)

In terms of researching, my kind of separation from the real people is that I only take show canon as fact. Anything not included in the show about the real guys I don't follow. That's what feels respectful of me! But there's so many lovely writers out there who do follow the events of their real lives and such good content for 'canon' fic.

In terms of researching Google is my best friend as well as the historians we have in the fandom. (Hogans-Heroes again is a gem. @reallylilyreally has a great attention to detail and we also have a few current/former service members who family of service members who are good points of reference!)

In terms of other research. the Masters of the Air book is a great go to

Cros actually wrote a book called A Wing and a Prayer which is a great resource and also pretty heartbreaking!

I personally referenced The Evening Crowd at Kirmsers by Ricardo Brown for queer underground culture in the 40's

Coming Out Under Fire is a fucking devastating but really helpful book about gay service members in the 40's and kind of the danger they were in. @bcolfanfic also has some excerpts from that she posted a while back if you don't mind digging.

I've also used ancestry.com to research the guys as well as these websites contains the personnel and mission files as well as photos of the guys!

https://100thbg.com/ you can search both the guys AND the planes!

another great website with a similar search function but they have a few diff documents.

For tagging the main tags are: Mota, Clegan and Hbowar (this one will include the other shows like Band of Brothers, The Pacific, and Generation Kill)

Really it's treated like any other fandom. Everyone understands that we're playing with dolls, not real people. But also RPF is fine kill the cop in your head and join the hockey rpf fandom next >:)

[thecircularsystem]

Just... for once, I would like to go one year without someone spreading bullshit about me and my friends.

TW for harassment, sexual content, sui, paranoia, etc.

Okay. So.

I want to preface this with something.

I do not want any messages about this. I do not want to see a single message sent to Dude. I do not want to see a single message sent to Blue-Bubonic. I ESPECIALLY do not want a single message sent to Sophie, or Hal, or fucking Nox, or anyone, just keep this shit out of your mouths.

I am so, so tired of being caught in perpetual, triggering trauma. I am so, so tired of being accused of shit I never did, of things I never said, of things I don’t think or feel.

I made this post up because I’m delusional and paranoid. I hear that SAS spread rumors and my memory is different from that.

Am I lying? Am I wrong? Was I gaslit? Did I dream it? What if Blue is right? What if I’m a horrible person? What if I should die-

I’m so tired of it. So I have to go through, and dig back in, just like always, until my nails bleed from how hard I’m clinging to syscourse. And I’m trying to stop. Genuinely, firmly, I do not want to talk about this shit 24/7. I like aspects of it, but I’m tired.

Blue is not going to let it rest. More power to them — it’s obvious they need to get this out so that they can work on recovery. Good for them. I’m proud of them, genuinely, and I hope that their 100+ something page document helps them. It never helped me.

In the meantime, I need to talk about my trauma too. I need to get MY side out. That’s only fair.

This post isn't for syscourse. It isn't for drama. It isn't for spreading. Please leave us all alone. Let us get it out and then be done.

(Note: post has been edited to preserve someone’s privacy.)

The Problemaddtic Era

A year and a half ago (May 2023), a user by the name of Problemaddtic made a post. They had made several, many of which I found to be bad or in poor taste. This one took the cake though. That blog has since been terminated, by the internet is, of course, forever, as this drama unfortunately proves.

Here’s the post again. This time, with Dude of SAS fame’s rebuttal.

Problemaddtic posted this somewhat paranoia inducing post, which did trigger multiple people at that time. This post was posted to numerous tags, including endo safe tags. Many users spoke out about this, but primarily anti-endos. Many pro-endos didn’t bat an eye. I posted this.

Blue made the post unreblogable. Dude responded:

Upset about being called out, they started posting numerous things to the endo safe and pro-endo tags. The original post, if I remember correctly, was changed to feature an anatomical picture of a penis and balls, telling anti-endos to suck it. This meant anyone going to the post — or to public endo safe tags — would see it. I can’t find evidence of this, sadly; seems most syscoursers avoided reblogging that shit for obvious reasons. Here’s another example (with Dude’s response). Sophie warned people to block.

An anonymous pro-endo ask came to Dude about how Problemaddtic’s post was weaponizing their trauma. Dude once again offered his inbox as refuge and safety to vent. Here’s that post.

After this, problemaddtic retroactively added DNI banners to their posts. Here’s Dude and a mod on Sysboxes commenting on the box. Dude was calling out how the box did not protect problemaddtic from criticism, while the Sysboxes mod made fun of the box. Dude did not make fun of the box’s design directly, but rather, the purpose of the box.

Here’s another anon suggesting Problemaddtic is a troll, and Dude refuting that claim. Dude encouraged people not to judge all pro-endos by a single person’s actions.

Someone said that dude’s actions here were leaving a bad taste in their mouth. Here’s dude’s post in rebuttal, where he says he made fun of the DNI banner. I beg to differ, but sure, if Dude wants to say he did, crucify him for that if you really want to.

And finally, to cap off the Problemaddtic era: the Cock and Balls post that got a TW.

I’m not screenshotting it. It was genuinely quite triggering for many people. Hearing “that’s all your good for” in reference to sexual things? Way to echo what so many of our abusers have said. What Problemaddtic did was incredibly triggering for many users. Dude rightfully called them out for this.

Here’s someone who was hurt by the Problemaddtic post. Here’s someone who said it felt intentional.

Meanwhile, Dude’s posts at this time (beyond allowing anons to be heard) were comprised of cat pictures to cleanse the tags, and reblogs of positivity. After that last anon link, I cannot find reference to this drama again. Problemaddtic was terminated after many, many people reported the blog for the sexual content.

There was more at that time — I saw a few other posts about the drama that I skipped over from the tag, as well as knowledge that I went on an incredibly triggered ramble in a server I was part of warning people to avoid the tag. I don’t have access to that any longer so I can’t really share it.

Everyone moved on.

Blue-Bubonic Era

Sadly, I cannot seem to access an archive of Blue’s account. Trying to scroll back that far manually is not working, so I’m going to do what I can. Forgive me if I miss things, because tumblr's tag search is not the greatest.

Blue-Bubonic was revolving around the syscourse community for a little bit, reblogging SAS posts and generally staying mostly chill! I saw they were in syscourse, and I (somehow) immediately made the connection that this user was problemaddtic. This made me... incredibly uncomfortable. I just did my best to not engage much, as I really did not trust them not to explode as they had previously.

Apparently, I am one of the only individuals who knew who Blue was. Dude thought Blue was Elmani, actually, the "kill the anti-endo inside you" propaganda pusher. I hope Elmani's good wherever they ended up, it seems like they finally quit syscourse for good.

I believe Dude and Blue talked behind the scenes briefly. Dude had made the recent shift towards pro-endo. He was dealing with the aftermath of a catastrophic life changing event, one that he will always be dealing with the ramifications of, but which is still fresh. On my side of things, I was dealing with my first sessions of EMDR, chronic pink eye, multiple vacations (fun but stressful), and multiple traumaversaries on the horizon. We were all very, very tightly coiled, just doing our bests to stay calm and be gentle with ourselves.

On June 20th, Blue posted that they wanted to make a comprehensive document of why SophieinWonderland is "a shit person causing actual harm n hides behind the pro endo label when it comes to criticism regardless of which "side" is criticizing her."

Four days later, Blue posted that they had "Finished the draft, working on editing" and were "Thinking of letting some vet it before posting it publicly."

Discord Era

I can only speak about what I know.

Dude and me talk on Discord a lot. He shares things with me. For instance, that Sophie is a real breathing human person who has complimented me in private. Or that they talk, sometimes, way more than I would be brave enough to do (though knowing just snippets has made me actually able to respond to her again, and even reach out to her a bit. I'm happy to have more perspective now.)

He reached out to me, though, on June 26th, and said, "Want to take part in some Sophie drama?" And genuinely, I do want to see what's happening in terms of drama on tumblr. Especially since this took place after yet more insanely triggering posts from her. So I agreed.

Then Dude let me know he was adding me to a group chat with Blue and I said, "Oh boy. Alright." My heart sank. This was not going to end well.

It didn't!

Blue asked us to vet a document. I clicked into it and was immediately overwhelmed by the poor way the document was set up, the sheer amount of writing (the current iteration is 68k words), and the... lack of substance in that writing. I only looked briefly before immediately realizing just how triggering this would be for me. The last time I handled a long document like that, it was for the SN drama. It was when I was being accused of shit, callout posts that made me split a new part. I could not do this document or read more in that moment.

So I stopped, and said I would not be helping. I am not in the group chat any longer, but I do have the screenshots Blue took.

My point about callouts doing more harm: it would only lead to harassment, and it did. Not of Sophie, remarkably; I overestimated how much reach Blue's post would have. Instead, it led to Blue and Hal having all of Sophie's 2000 followers having their eyes on them. It wasn't fair and it wasn't right.

Sophie does make a lot of mistakes. A callout like this WAS exactly what she wanted, because it let her drag out the drama for Syscourse Points for over a month after it was posted. It let her attack "weak" (read: traumatizing) arguments for months, and really hurt my friend. The callout didn't help anything, just like I said it wouldn't.

I was too gentle about my last point. Keep my fucking friends out of your callout documents. Don't make callout documents at all. If you didn't experience, don't fucking talk about it, I'm tired of this shit. I have never once seen it end without the victims being hurt worse than they had been. I told myself it would be fine if you asked the victim for permission. Newsflash. It wasn't.

I didn't mention how fucking atrocious the points in the document were because, 1, I could barely remember after closing it, because my brain was actively trying to avoid Trigger Mode, and 2, because I didn't want to be too insulting to Blue. I mean, nobody likes hearing, "your formatting is shit, your points are largely nonsense, and for fucks sakes, it's spelled Syscourse, not SysCourse."

I did not want to be an asshole. So I politely and kindly dipped out, making my reservations known.

Blue did reach out to Hal, who gave permission for their blogs and past Sophiecourse Drama to be used in the document.

July 10th, Blue posted the Sophie document. A friend of mine (who I am keeping anonymous, since they seem to have mostly escaped this absolute bullshit) reached out to me and said: "We're going to make the call now: This will blow up in everyone's face and cause harm for everyone involved in the following days."

They were right.

I read through the entirety of the document over the following days. I do not remember most of it, particularly because the formatting is next to impossible for me to understand. It's simply too much. To (once again) quote my friend, "It felt like it was extremely bloated." I have to agree; much of this was trumped up or extended so long to make the document seem more intimidating, and by proxy, make Sophie seem worse. When people see 68k words, they shrug and say, "TL;DR Sophie is bad, got it." It's disingenuous.

I don't recall much also due to the fact that I am intensely triggered by this shit. Sophie is an insanely triggering topic for many people. Trying to read what she's done made me forget it all over again. I'm so tired of caring.

Anyways.

Sophie did what she does; she put Blue on blast for several months over several posts, ripping to shreds the document, triggering countless people.

Dude reached out to me and explained that he had promised a friend that, if this blew up, that he would "burn tumblr and sophie to the ground." And he couldn't. He fucking couldn't do that, because Sophie is a person, and he had just started to see that, and he was not ready to burn that bridge because of Blue's document.

So I took matters into my own hands. I called out Sophie's damage that she does. I called out that she's okay with it. I explained that Sophie is a person, as anyone else is, and that she is also Syscourse Incarnate. At the time, she was the most active syscourse blog, period, flat out. I also ripped into the document, because exactly what I was worried about was what happened.

Notably, in said post, Dude said he didn't blame the document author for any of this. I don't blame Blue either. The document did not cause Sophie to pull her triggering shit. Nobody is to blame for someone else’s actions. BUT FOR FUCKS SAKES. THE CALL TO ACTION ON THE POST WAS FOR PEOPLE TO BE FUCKING NICE TO EACH OTHER.

I predicted in that post that syscourse would get worse, and it did. I let people know that, if they stopped, they would be able to witness syscourse eat itself alive, and that's what happened.

Sigh.

I posted the post, and then posted my going away post. I was getting rid of my syscourse dedicated blogs, condensing, deleting, moving, archiving -- I WAS FUCKING DONE.

I also reached out to Blue to let them know I didn't blame them. They disregarded that and said my post was directly blaming them. I asked them to point out where I blamed them, and they said I "framed the situation" as blaming them. They blocked me, particularly it felt like because I wasn’t condemning Sophie enough. As if that would do anything at this point but feed her more attention.

I tried to leave! Blue brought me back, revealing I was a mod on SAS, which wasn't public information. They complained that I didn't mentally endanger myself to let them know why the document upset me so badly. Go figure, it was upsetting, so I didn't speak up.

I edited the original Blowing Up Syscourse Post to address Blue's post, which led to Dude later making a post that explained, "Wait, Blue-Bubonic wasn't the point of that post, THE POINT IS TO BE NICE AND STOP SYSCOURSING."

Nobody got the message.

Everyone continued to be assholes.

It got worse, just like I said it would.

Whatever The Fuck Era, Can We Move On?

Anyways, I was in the middle of moving at this point, with teaching suddenly being hell, EMDR falling through, suicidality spiking, relationship bumps, health scares -- genuinely, a lot of shit, none of which I owe you all. My therapist looked at me and told me I had to take time off work, because he didn't think I would survive until the end of the month. I looked him dead in the eyes and told him that if I took time off in October, it would lead to me killing myself.

That's where I've been these past few months.

Blue-Bubonic had some sort of drama with Noxsyscourse. I did not pay attention to most of it. I didn't want to pay attention to it. I just wanted to be left alone. I have so much more important shit than dealing with syscourse! I don't fucking stalk Blue's blog! I shouldn't have to write this shit!

But now we get to:

The Problemaddtic Plague

AKA, "The Plural Community Traumatized Us." That document Blue wrote strictly because Sophie is just such a monster that she needs to be deplatformed? Now includes me, nox, dude, sophie, I think Cambrian? I don't know, it's too many damn words for me to follow. I genuinely do not have the time to fucking reread the entire goddamn document. I cannot devote myself to someone else's blatant trauma spiral.

And yet, here I am, doing so, because I am at my limit.

Over the past few weeks, Blue has been having a very public meltdown on their blog about me and Dude's crimes. Primarily Dude, but the issues they have stem from my "Callout" of them. Reminder: I never once said their name in the original post. I did not focus on the callout, beyond saying it was poorly written. I only mentioned it as context for why Sophie's bullshit amped up.

I do not follow Blue, nor does Dude. Dude has been blocked for a very long time and does not look at Blue's blog. We were alerted to this by a very concerned friend. They wanted to warn me, October 23, that Blue was posting vitriol about Dude.

I'm not linking all of them here. These posts are very, very obviously a traumatized individual having a very public trauma spiral. They weren't tagged in main tags, and I can only thank God for that. However, I will address a few things from the 7 posts I can see about Dude.

My pronouns are They/Them. You repeatedly called me He/Him, and once They&, the latter of which can be incredibly triggering for my dissociation. Just... for future reference, for all those reading (which should not be Blue) -- I use They/Them.

Blue said they didn't WANT Dude to be nice, they NEEDED him to be nice. If you are this attached to an internet stranger for your emotional needs, then you are in desperate need of help. People online should not be your emotional crutch.

Blue did not "usher Dude into the pro-endo community." Blue welcomed him, along with hundreds of other people. Blue is not Dude's savior. They're a traumatized person, same as the rest of us, doing their best.

Nobody is weak for saying, "I'm too traumatized and fucked up to support this." Nobody is weak for saying, "The other side is a person too."

I did not publicly bash Blue. I never said their name. The document was bad in my eyes, but the post was not about Blue. It was about my friend, and the damage Sophie does, and the damage everyone in syscourse does, largely unintentionally -- though at this point, I have to think it's intentional.

Dude encouraged Blue to make the document which he told them he could not read, because he could not do it himself.

I do not "continue to bash Blue on SAS." I wrote a single post. One. Blue's the one who continues to bash us on their blog, writing post after post about me, when I have wanted nothing to do with them for months.

Someone can interact with a user who traumatized them, but still be too fucked up to work on a discourse filled triggering document. Those are two VERY different things.

Blue did post sexual content online. Blue DID post horrendous things. Dude did not get their blog terminated. They did that themselves, through their actions.

If years upon years of Dude fighting against Sophie and documenting her shit did not stop syscourse in its tracks to deplatform her, then Blue's document had no hope. To believe otherwise -- and furthermore, to blame Dude's lack of ability to work on a highly triggering thing on the document's failure -- is to be completely out of touch.

Anyways.

Me and Dude continued to ignore. We tried to keep Blue out of everything. We didn't want to draw attention to their public spiral. It was around this time, though, that I saw that the callout document was renamed, and that I was suddenly being listed as a traumatizer. Wonderful.

We still ignored it. Whatever, you know? People have spread lies about us since the day we became popular. Whatever. It's fine.

Nevermind that this is directly mimicking the trauma that Blue detailed about SN. Nevermind that this is exactly what happened before. Nevermind that we are trying to hold our tongues, just like last time, because we're trying to avoid once again retriggering a vulnerable person. Nevermind that we're both one step away from killing ourselves.

No, our feelings don't matter more than Blue's, clearly. And what does it matter, right? It's one person.

But then Blue decides to bring it up nearly a month later, in main tags, comparing Dude to Sophie, hurting everyone in the process. And then you started lying about what was happening, saying Dude still followed you.

Let's address that post briefly, actually.

The difference between Dude and Sophie's actions are that Sophie repeatedly brought it up to make fun of the trauma someone was experiencing, and to say that DNIs were pointless. Dude brought up Blue's DNI because it was added after Blue had already triggered half of syscourse, and Blue added it as some sort of shield for criticism. Dude was ignoring Blue's DNI because the DNI was being used in bad faith. Sophie was ignoring DNIs specifically to traumatize people (ahem, to "defend herself"). Those are not the same thing.

Blue did trigger CSA victims. That is not debatable; that is not something Blue can justify. "I only did it because I was triggered!" That's still not okay. That is still not justification.

Blue turned reblogs off on the post where they triggered anti-endos paranoia after it was already addressed and criticized. Blue then changed the post to have a cock and balls. This is bullshit.

"taking the piss outta the situation was all we had left." Reminder: "taking the piss outta the situation" was actually repeatedly tagging the public tags with things like "sucking my cock is all you're good for" and "sysmeds are just mad that im not dissociative," WHICH multiple people said triggered them.

"bc we were not traumagenic so its ok to dehumanize us." Nobody came after them because they weren't traumagenic. They came after Blue because Blue triggered them.

"mod dude doesnt have to take any accountability for their role in the whole thing because they r pro sys conversation now" They want the drama to be done. Blue kept insisting they draw attention to it.

And then a new blog formed calling Dude and me out in their pinned post, using Blue's document.

Snapping

Dude reached out to Blue via Discord. Everything finally came to a head, and Dude tried to get to the bottom of it, tried to understand what in the fuck was happening, tried to get Blue to understand what was happening.

Blue posted that Dude was trying to "silence them."

So.

Dude finally made a post. And spoke up. We weren't allowed to, last time this bullshit happened to us, so we finally are now, because for fucks sake, I don't want to die.

The post shows the discord conversation that Dude had with Blue. It isn't pretty. It's once again a traumatized person doing traumatized things.

Just like this post is.

Just like all of Blue's posts had been.

Just like all of this situation is.

Where's this leave us?

I don't know. It's Saturday. I have grades to do. I have a cold house with no heat. I have a partner to take care of, and hunger that needs fixing, and I'm so, so tired.

I'm actively suicidal. I'm trying to figure out how to stay alive long enough to marry my partner, if I still can.

But I also managed to update my fanfic last night. And I'm looking forward to seeing my kids rage about the end of the shitty ass novel we're reading. Maybe we can rage together. I'm looking forward to Thanksgiving with my real family.

I'm trying to move past this.

I hope Blue can.

I hope Dude can.

I hope Nox, and Sophie, and everyone else in that shitty document or affected by this bullshit can.

And I hope those reading this can understand these things:

Callout documents are worthless beyond hurting people. That's all they do. Evidence: every callout document ever.

Drama like this shouldn't exist, but if it does, it should be private. Not broadcast to the tags on tumblr.

Everyone needs to leave us alone. Everyone involved needs to be able to be left alone.

If I catch any of my followers breathing a word in Blue's direction, you will be blocked. If I catch anyone in my inbox with a word about Blue, I will either be blocking you, or likely, I'll be too kind and send you a private message of "hey fuck you."

Please, just leave us alone.

[empyreanpaws]

My Experience With: Tales of Glade's Glory

DISCLAIMER: do not harass the blog or the members of this wcrp; names are redacted for the sake of anonymity (though in this instance, it isn't hard to figure out...); this is a review, my personal experience, and an informational post

CONTENT WARNING: discourse, basically a hate crime despite it being "fictional" (it's the representation of one and has since been treated as less than), disrespect of religion, constant harassment, unfair treatment, pushing of a radical anti-cop/government agenda (i hate 'em too but c'mon, keep it out of there), will add more if requested

If any of the above makes you uncomfortable, please don't proceed. Through the content warning and tags alone, I'm sure you can infer what my experience was like.

Honestly, this has been a long time coming. I can't remember when it happened exactly, but it's been a few months since I've been in this particular wcrp. I should've voiced this sooner, but I'll be frank: I didn't because I have friends in there that genuinely enjoy the other aspects of the roleplay; I didn't want to ruin something they loved. Still, it needs to be said, so I can warn others in advance and finally get over this hurdle.

Tales of Glade's Glory is a roleplay that arose in the wake of the discontinued Chasing The Sun. It involved members from ShadowClan who collaborated together by suggesting ideas and making votes. This system was by far one of the most fun and fair ones I've ever experienced in a roleplay, but as soon as the Developers decided they could not be voted out (a decision they made themselves, not others), I knew things would end terribly.

I have a document that explains most of what I wanted to say in this post, regarding the democratic-like system the roleplay was meant to have, the hate crime in question, and the constant harassment I've dealt with for months. Again, names are redacted for the sake of anonymity, and the audience was for the other members of the server (hence why it seems like I'm talking to a specific set of people). The catalyst for this document's creation was receiving a strike upon voicing my discomfort within the server about two cats (mentioned in the document) that only realize hurting others is wrong after they murder someone, a plotline they allowed to continue because they "didn't want to stop plots from happening". Here is the document:

I'm not bashing on dark roleplays; I love to dabble in them myself. The problem was that this roleplay wasn't meant to be dark, and thus this incident came as a shock to many. I know others who were uncomfortable with the situation and someone who is devout in their faith who found the whole thing incredibly offensive and disturbing. If this had been a roleplay with darker themes, if we would've been warned in advance about what would be included and allowed in the roleplay, I wouldn't be this worked up. I'm incredibly upset because unsuspecting members were subjected to this situation without their consent. As I hear it, the situation continues to be up for debate, continuing to brew discomfort and stress, with no closure in sight. It's disappointing and, dare I say it, disgusting. I'd hate for newcomers to be dragged into that mess.

Addressing the radical anti-cop/government agenda, Dev1 seems to push these views into the roleplay and it can't be refuted. Their website includes a new set of rules regarding this and the person that began this whole disaster was not given a punishment (or it was a mere slap on the wrist, who knows). I haven't read much of it, if at all, and I think complex political issues in the real world should not be forced into a roleplay (unless that's the literal theme and has consent from everyone). I'm not going to sit here and talk about my own views and who I vote for in elections, but I understand the corruption of our government and how it's affected others. Still, my point stands. Roleplays should be free of strife, they're meant to be enjoyed and a place for others to distract themselves from the real world, not have it shoved back down their throat without being allowed to voice their own opinion. It was nearly like we had to adopt these ideals ourselves lest we suffer unjust consequences.

I can't even begin to hope they'd change. If anything, it'll just keep getting worse until they inevitably crumble. In a form of some "dark humor", I call it the WCRP Curse: they're all destined for drama, strife, and ends. As much as I'm working on my own projects, I don't think even I can break this curse. I guess we'll see who does, huh?

Writing all of this and remembering has truly made me feel sick. I've honestly decided to make this a series where I write my experiences in other roleplays, to provide suggestions or to warn others. I don't think I'll accept requests to join roleplays just to scope them out for others, or at least, not at the moment. At the end of the day, this is all about fictional talking cats, and yet it's affected me very badly. My last bit of advice is to speak out when someone is doing something wrong. Share your experience. You're not alone, and it can make a difference.

Also, this isn't for others to "respond" to. I'm literally sharing what I've experienced and how I feel. Do not reblog this and try to justify any of their actions. If you don't like it, block me and go away.

Recommend/Suggest?: No

Rating: ☆☆☆☆☆ (0/5)

[haitaniplug]

CLASS PROJECT CHAPTER SIX

summary - you really want to go abroad for the summer, but your grades fucking SUCK, so your parents won’t allow you to until you get them up. you were so ready to focus on the rest of the year until you get partnered up with Rindou Haitani. The boy that comes into school once every blue moon. And to make matters worse, it’s a project where participation counts. So now it’s your job to harass Rindou into getting his shit straight.

tags - enemies to friends to lovers , angst , crack , college au, eventual smut , fluff.

status - ongoing

series masterlist

Taglist : @q-the-rockaholic @crown5 @gumiwaka

Rindou was so tempted to just block her but then he almost forgotten he was texting off of your account. He rolled his eyes and shut the phone off, you had been to engrossed in your research paper to realise that 1) he took your phone and 2) he’s been staring at you the entire time.

He didn’t mean to stare, it’s just there was a certain look on your face that only came out when you were concentrating on something.

He really liked that look of concentration and mindlessly kept staring at you. Took him this long to realise you were sort of pretty. He didn’t really care before, just seeing you as a partner but the more he stared at you, the more he didn’t want to look away.

And he knew he had been staring for a while, he just couldn’t bring himself to look away.

“Rindou, look!“ your voice finally broke his stare and he shifted his chair closer to you, a bit too close to the point it startled you, but you looked at Rindou and saw it didn’t bother him, so you shouldn’t be one to bother either.

You ignored his close proximity and pointed at your screen. “I managed to write thisss much,” you said while scrolling on the document. Rindou’s eyes widened seeing how much you wrote about the deep psychology of love and attraction. What it means to be attracted to someone and how your body reacts.

“Where did you get this information? It seems too personal to be from the internet.” Does she have a lover? He thought.

“My parents. I spoke to them yesterday and we had a really nice talk.” You smiled to yourself, realising this was the first conversation you had with them in a long time that didn’t end in arguments.

“What are you smiling about?” Rindou teased you and you pushed him away jokingly. “No it’s just— I,” you paused not knowing if you should tell him about that. You barely know him after all.

Rindou saw your hesitation and quickly spoke in, “you don’t have to tell me if you don’t want to. If it’s personal I get it. We all have things to hide.” He had his own share of guilty conscience so he knew where you would be coming from if you didn’t want to tell him.

Just a deep deep part of him wished you did tell him. He took Ayas words to heart for a second. You don’t know a thing about y/n. It was indeed true. The only thing he knows about you is that your name is y/n.

“It’s not something to hide, it’s just a pretty sensitive topic that’s all,” you spoke out cutting him out of your thoughts, “but I appreciate you for not asking any further. Maybe I misjudged you, you’re pretty nice Rindou.” You sent him a small smile and he nodded, hoping you would turn back to the laptop and finish your work so you couldn’t see the red creeping up on his face from your words.

Take that Aya. He thought. Now having some internalised competition for your attention. Aya didn’t deserve you.

He didn’t either, but he was feeling selfish in that moment and he wasn’t sure why.

“Ahh my fingers hurt,” your voice broke him out of his thoughts once again. “Want to take a break?” He asked and you nodded before reaching for your phone.

Normally he wouldn’t give two fucks that you’re going on your phone, but it hit him after you had already unlocked it that you were going to see his dms with Aya.

Before he was able to stop you, your fingers were already typing away. He could do nothing to stop you, so he just sat back in his chair watching your fingers move and lightning speed.

Before he could even lean over his chair to read what you had said, you shut your phone off. “I think I’m going to head home for today.” You sent him a smile but he knew it was fake.

“Want me to drop you off?” He suggested knowing you were in a bad mood but didn’t want you to leave so early.

“I’ll walk it’s okay.” You stood up and waved him goodbye before leaving the classroom.

What happened in their dms? Rindou thought. A part of him was happy that your reaction was like that, cause it meant that you and Aya didn’t make up.

So ha Aya. Rindou : 1.

But he couldn’t help but feel bad that now you were been sadder. Why does he even care ? You’re not his responsibility, so why does he feel the need to cheer you up?

Before his mind could register what he was doing he brought his phone out and started to type away.

Email?

He did have your email actually, from that time you emailed him something at his house.

[aroaceacacia]

hi gen time for the annual me explaining something since im seeing ppl in your asks not knowing. scutes is a name for a group of friends that formed from the very first hermitblr discord server back in 2018. this was even before evil xisuma fanclub which was the first *big* one. eventually scutes just became a private group of friends not related to hermitcraft. that's it. uhf- underrated hermit fanclub- was a separate public server made a bit later on, of which about half the mods were also in the scutes server.

back then many of us were against shipping, including myself, but everyone who was has either left a long time ago, is now neutral on it, or a shipper themselves.

after the events i described in this ask: <https://aroaceacacia.tumblr.com/post/660177626185580544/heyo-just-read-through-your-whole-2019-tag-and> , the people who left hermitzine's original organizing committee mostly being in the scutes discord server, and me complaining about what happened in what was again, a private chat with friends, several of miles' friends started publicly saying awful crap about us as a group. at that time a good chunk of people weren't even active in the hermitcraft fandom and of those who were most of them had nothing to do with this. their main thing was accusing us of "fandom policing" due to a few of us who were anti-ship at the time also having that same mindset about drawing the hermits doing drugs, which for some reason was a thing a lot of other anti-ship people were really into doing at the time. they also spread a lot of blatant lies, most prominent one being that we excused x's transphobia at the time because we didn't openly hate on him. (in actuality we were some of the first to publicly confront him about it both in the chat live of that stream while it was happening and afterwards on twitter, so no clue where they were coming from on that)

pretty much until the incident with cleo when they all finally left tumblr, this continued on and off. it did mostly just take place in various discords after the initial wave of them making tumblr posts, but it was still really bad at times. there were many specific incidents that i won't get in to because i wasn't at the center of them and it may bring up a lot of bad things for those who were. they're not my stories to tell.

i'll also mention two more things. miles did try to apologize to me early on in all this, before any of this escalated and was just a dumb argument over how to run a zine. i refused to accept his apology because i saw it as insincere when he had refused any of the compromises on how the zine should be run. second is that once the harassment on tumblr started i asked for advice on what to do in joe's patreon discord. joe was one of the people who responded, and at the time his response was pretty much just questioning why it was a problem and not really understanding the power structure of decentralized fandom. miles caught wind of this somehow and tried to get me to tell joe that what i had said wasn't true. something that i obviously refused to do.

i don't care about miles anymore, don't go trying to confront him about any of this or anything please. ive since gotten back into therapy (i wasnt at the time this all happened which def did not help the situation) and this is in the past. but a lot of other people have wounds that are still in the process of healing from this and would rather it not be talked about, especially by people who weren't involved in it, which is why there's been little to no public documentation of it.

- Aviva

thank you for the clarification aviva - you didn't have to do this, but I appreciate it. I'll try and make sure that this ask stays as the last time you'll need to talk about this. I hope you and everyone else involved are doing better now.

anons please be respectful of aviva & all other parties involved and lets leave it be

[nugnthopkns]

i wish i could disappear

word count: 3.6k

warnings: explicit!fem reader, cursing, feelings of anxiety due to social media harassment, invasion of privacy that border on stalking

recommended listening: brutal | olivia rodrigo

series masterpost: here

a/n: and we're off to the races!! i love this album and olivia so much. there's a shoutout to goon by tobias jesso jr. in here bc it's my favourite album to cry to lmao (highly recommend giving it a listen!). i'm on the fence about this one but am posting it anyways because i don't think i can make it any better

How the fuck do people find your social media?

All of your accounts are private and Kevin makes sure to never tag you on the rare occasion he posts a picture of the two of you together. The wives and girlfriends who have public accounts make sure to never post about you, and you’re careful not to comment on posts often. You’re a private person and though you understand that due to the nature of your relationship with Kevin you intrigue some fans, you don’t want to give them more than you have to.

Despite making no attempt to open up to the public or media, every day you wake up with hundreds of follow requests from complete strangers. At first it was a little exciting knowing that people were curious about your life but after years of the same routine it’s become draining. It takes you nearly twenty minutes each day to weed through them and accept only the people you know personally. Kevin doesn’t actually know how many people want to catch a glimpse of your daily life because you do your best to keep it from him. Knowing would only bring him stress, and you want him to be able to focus on winning games and loving you with his entire heart.

☼☼☼☼

The phone on your desk rings loudly, pulling your attention away from the computer screen that has way too many numbers on it for your liking. The finance department needed someone to proof their audit before sending it away and since you’re the only one in human relations that has a business degree the job landed on your shoulders. Eager to take a break, you pick it up and press the receiver against your ear.

“Hello?”

The voice on the other side laughs gently, but you immediately know it’s Kevin. “Hi sweetheart,” he says warmly, “How’s work?”

“Fine I guess. It’s work, Kev. Nothing terribly exciting happens here,” you explain but continue to fill him in on all the coffee pot gossip you got this morning. Kevin listens as you complain about forgetting your lunch on the counter and chuckles at how upset the situation makes you.

“What if I told you I’m outside your window with a burrito bowl?”

Excited at the possibility of seeing your boyfriend before dinnertime, you whip towards the window and spot Kevin on the sidewalk, waving like an idiot despite knowing your office is on the fifth floor. You hang up quickly after telling him you’ll be down in two minutes and let the receptionist know you’re stepping out for lunch. There’s a line for the elevator so you head to the stairwell, taking them two at a time in your haste. You’re crossing the street to the small park where Kevin has set up a picnic before your co-workers are even out the door.

You plop down on the blanket beside Kevin and lean into him. He presses a sweet kiss to your forehead before passing you the food he brought. You take a bite, sighing at the taste. Kevin knows you better than you know yourself and knew exactly what to get that would satisfy your mounting hunger.

“Thanks babe,” you smile, holding up your fork and offering him a bite. He takes it graciously but makes a face. “What’s the matter?” you laugh as you take the utensil back.

“I fucking hate avocado.”

The two of you eat in relative silence, speaking only when you remember a detail from your morning. Kevin tells you about the drills he’s going to lead at practice in the afternoon and what he plans on cooking for dinner since he’ll be home before you. You insist you can whip something up when you get home but Kevin shakes his head. He reminds you that relationships are give and take, and that you’ve made dinner the past three nights because he had a string of games. You manage to reach a compromise that has you doing the dishes before you have to return to work.

Kevin insists on walking you back to your office even though you protest vehemently. Your relationship is far from secret, and has been the topic of workplace gossip more times than you can count, but after five years you’ve learned to ignore most of it. However, you don’t want your co-workers to think you flaunt your NHL player boyfriend to prove you’re better than them. They all love Kevin, and a couple of them congratulate him on last night’s goal as he follows you down the hall. A few of the newer hires stare in awe and shake his hand, completely blown away that one of Philadelphia’s biggest stars is asking how they like their jobs.

“Pretty soon they’re going to approach you to do PR for us,” you chuckle as you flip the light on and close the door of your office.

His laughter echoes off the walls as a pair of strong arms find a home around your waist. “It would be kind of fun to hear myself crush those radio commercials.”

“Since when do you listen to the radio?”

“Checkmate,” Kevin sighs, pulling you closer. He kisses you quickly, not wanting to give a show to anyone who could be walking past, but it still sends you reeling. You don’t want him to pull away and kiss him again.

You get your way for a few more moments and then Kevin’s leaving with a promise to not burn the house down and wishes for a good rest of the day. Focussed on giving the audit its final once-over you don’t bother pulling your phone from the drawer you had placed it in when you got to work that morning. You turn up the small radio at the corner of your desk and get to work scanning the document for errors. There’s a mistake halfway through that skews the rest of the data and fixing it takes a bit of time, but it isn’t a huge deal. You have nothing else to do except answer a few emails and organize meetings for after the weekend.

An hour or so later you’ve completed all your tasks and debate what to do. It’s too early to leave for the day, so you decide to kill time by checking your phone. You’re expecting a few notifications, perhaps two or three memes in the group chat you share with your friends, but not the hundreds that greet you.

The majority of them are instagram notifications, and assuming they’re just more fans requesting a follow you ignore them, instead heading to your text messages. There’s a picture from Kevin of a dog he found walking home and another from your mom asking why you haven’t called home in a few weeks. However the one from Claude’s wife is the one that piques your curiosity.

Just a heads up that someone posted a pic of you and Kev to one of those stupid wag pages. I filed a request for Instagram to take it down but it’s gotten a lot of traction. Sorry :((

Your heartbeat increases rapidly and a million thoughts fly through your head at a rapid speed. Fingers shaking, you respond with a thanks and open up the dreaded app. You don’t see it immediately, your feed being full of photos belonging to friends and family, but it’s in your messages almost two hundred times. Many of them have text attached and you know there will be a comment about your relationship regardless of which one you open.

Tapping on the most recent message you brace yourself for the worst. The new window opens a photo someone took of you and Kevin while eating lunch in the park across from your office not even three hours prior. It’s grainy and the camera angle is strange, but you’re eating and Kevin is looking somewhere out of frame. The accompanying caption reads Kev and his girlfriend out for lunch today! Follow @philllywagupdates for more :).

You let out a sigh of relief – it could have been a lot worse. Personal pictures of yourself have made it onto pages like that before and most of them they’re paired with mean-spirited captions about your appearance or other trivial matters. Assuming you’re in the clear, you head back to the page of the original message to thank the person for bringing the post to your attention. However, the message accompanying the post is anything but positive.

He can’t even fucking look at you. It’s only a matter of time before he leaves you

The blood in your veins runs cold. You know it’s not true – Kevin’s made it clear you’re the one and truthfully you’re just waiting for a ring – but it doesn’t stop the sting you feel. What could possess someone to say such horrible things? You decide not to respond despite, possibly opening another can of worms with the seen function, and close the app. Leaning back in your office chair you focus on anything but your phone, looking out the window at passersby while regaining your breath. It works for a while, but eventually not knowing what others said eats away at you. You go through every single message to see hundreds of similar comments to the first, with only a few saying they’re glad you’re happy or how posting the picture is a violation of your privacy.

By the time you’re finished your spirit has been crushed. However, it’s also an acceptable time to start the weekend – at least no one in the office will have to see you cry. Things are hastily packed into your bag and you wave a few quick goodbyes before once again taking the stairs. You curse yourself for deciding to walk to work that morning and set off in the direction of home wiping away tears. The last thing you need right now is for someone to recognize you, but you have to get home. Tobias Jesso Jr plays at much too loud a volume through your headphones and Kevin will most certainly remind you it’s bad for your hearing, but the melancholy piano riffs of Goon overpower the thoughts swirling around your head.

Do people really feel that way about me?

Are my friends just too nice to stop inviting me places?

Does Kevin really feel trapped?

Hundreds of similar sentiments and situations cross your mind as you stumble through the streets of downtown Philadelphia, but you force them as far back as possible before opening the door to the apartment you share with Kevin. Hoping to slip inside undetected, you take your shoes off slowly and throw your jacket on the end table instead of hanging it in the closet. Your plan fails somehow and Kevin hears you, greeting you in a goofy apron covered in flour.

“Hey sweetheart,” he smiles, but it drops once your eyes meet and he sees the hurt on your face. “What’s the matter?”

“It’s nothing,” you insist, trying to step around him in pursuit of the bathroom.

Kevin doesn’t buy it and sees right through your feeble words. “It’s not nothing if you’re this upset. If you don’t want to talk now that’s fine, but I think you should get it off your chest.”

You know he’s right, but you also know you can’t tell him the true cause of your despair. “Just some work stuff,” you sigh. “The audit got all fucked up and I had to fix it even though it’s not my job.”

It’s not technically a lie, which makes you feel better, and Kevin buys it. He presses a sweet kiss to your lips in sympathy. “Go take a shower and the gnocchi should be ready by the time you’re done. We can spend the night cuddling on the couch.”

“And watching Selling Sunset?”

“We can watch whatever you want sweetheart,” he chuckles. You part from him with a final kiss and head to the bathroom. Hopefully the steam from the water will carry away the negativity brought on by that damn post.

☼☼☼☼

Time passes but the hateful comments on social media don’t stop. In fact, you’re pretty sure they get worse. It’s so bad that you’ve deleted every app except facebook because you need it for work. Kevin doesn’t notice your abstinence from social media, but he picks up on how you spend more time criticizing yourself or staring off into space. When he pushes you either brush him off or feed some bullshit excuse about how work is getting you down. You know he doesn’t believe you but trusts you enough to come to him when you’re ready to talk.

You aren’t sure if you’ll ever be able to tell Kevin what’s been going on. There’s been scrutiny from social media before, when you first started dating, but it quieted down after the initial media frenzy. He helped you through that but it’s different this time around. Never before have you had strangers tell you your life is worthless or that your boyfriend should end your relationship. Some of the other wags notice your absence on instagram but chalk it up to you just taking a break. They reach out via the group chat and send wishes to see you at the next home game. It’s nice to know they care, but the voice in your head that has grown much larger in recent weeks tells you they don’t truly mean it. This leads you to decline the invite as politely as possible, citing extended work hours for your absence. In reality you’re too anxious to be anywhere that isn’t home or work, petrified someone is going to post something that will add fuel to the flames of those who interrogate you.

It’s another Friday afternoon, and you’re leaving the office early once again. There’s a small craft exhibition taking place around the corner from work and today is the last day it’s open. You had been meaning to go all week, hoping to find something small to add to Kevin’s birthday gift. As you step out of the building there’s a small group of young women, who don’t look old enough to have graduated college, standing off to the side. It fills you with dread, worried that somehow someone found out where you work and the insults are going to start occurring verbally, but you force yourself to be rational. You work fairly close to one of the artsier districts in the city and it’s more than likely they just want to find a cute mural to take pictures in front of.

You pass by and swear you hear them snicker, but you remind yourself you’ve just been jumpy lately. When they peel from their place on the wall and follow behind at a distance you think the coincidences are running out. It seems a little too strange how their movements line up with yours, and you go down a few winding side streets in an attempt to lose them. Part of you feels ridiculous because what group of barely legal girls would track a full-blown adult around a city of nearly two million people, but your life is currently strange enough you can’t be sure. They don’t follow you, and by the time you reach the market your heart rate has returned to normal.

The first few stalls have little to catch your eye, but a few rows in you find a leatherworker who makes adorable wallets. Kevin’s is ridiculously old and falling apart at the seams – his mom bought it for him before the two of you got together. You think a new one will make a perfect addition to the concert tickets you already bought and browse the table for something simple and elegant. A deep brown one with tan braiding around the edges catches your eye and you know it’s the one for Kevin. Checking the price to make sure you have enough cash in your wallet, you approach the shop owner to purchase. The older man has a kind smile that reaches his eyes as he thanks you for purchasing from him.

“No, thank you for making something so beautiful!” you gush. “My boyfriend is going to love it.”

It’s then you hear it – snickering accompanied by the click of a camera. You look over your shoulder to see the same group of girls from before laughing as they huddle over a cell phone, no doubt already starting to broadcast the photo across the internet. Tears prick at the corners of your eyes but you refuse to let them fall. Those girls don’t deserve to see their mission accomplished, but the longer they laugh at you the harder it is to swallow your feelings.

Head held high, you thank the owner one more time before holding your head high and walking past the group. The only way out is past them so you hold your breath and pray they don’t notice you. Unfortunately you aren’t that lucky, and one of them looks up just as you come into earshot.

“If Kevin doesn’t leave you after that sorry excuse for a gift I don’t know what’s wrong with him,” she sneers.

Another one chimes in, “You’re honestly so pathetic.” They all cackle in amusement, and you speed up. The tears flow freely now, and you call an uber even though it will be a ridiculous amount of money. You just want to get home.

The uber driver doesn’t say anything when you get in, though you know it’s strange to be bawling your eyes out at four in the afternoon. You can’t help it – weeks of keeping all the hate to yourself finally got to you and being followed with the sole intent of ridicule is the final straw. At one red light he silently passes you a box of tissues, which you accept gratefully.

Luckily the lobby of your apartment complex is empty and you manage to get to your floor without encountering a familiar face. There’s a few hours until Kevin gets home from his final roadtrip of the season, and if you play your cards right you can get all the tears out and be as normal as possible before he comes through the door. You don’t even bother to put anything away, just head straight to the bathroom to slump against the tub. Sobs rack your body and you lose all sense of time. All you can feel is the hurt you’ve been holding in releasing itself and soaking the material of your blouse.

Kevin finds you laying in the position hours later. He tripped over your shoes coming in the door and immediately knew something was wrong – you always place them neatly on the rack in the closet upon arriving home. Peering through the quiet house for a hint at where you are, he sees the bathroom light on and makes a beeline for the room. It breaks his heart to see you like this, and even more so because he doesn’t know what spurred it on.

“Sweetheart, hey,” he coos, maneuvering his body to sit beside you and pull you into his lap. “What’s the matter?”

You bury your head in his shoulder and clutch the material of his dress shirt as you cry harder at the sound of his voice. Kevin takes your reaction in stride, rubbing circles on your back and working on evening out your breath. He doesn’t pressure you to speak and provides the stability you desperately crave as the world around you spins. An unknown amount of time passes before your tears run out, but spend it all on the bathroom floor curled into Kevin.

“I guess I should have told you sooner,” you mumble, “But I didn’t want to bother you.”

Concern laces Kevin’s features and his eyebrows knit together. “Tell me what?”

“I, uh, have been the subject of some internet hate for the past little bit,” you say sheepishly. It feels stupid to not have told him now, but you can’t change that. “But you were really busy with the season and I wanted to make sure your head was completely focused on the game so I just dealt with it myself. I deleted the apps and tried my best to go about my life. And then today after work I was followed by some people and they said some really hurtful stuff and shit became a little too real.”

“I’m so fucking sorry.”

It’s your turn to be confused. “Why are you sorry Kev? You're Not the one sending me death threats.”

He tucks a loose strand of hair back into your ponytail. “Maybe not, but I still made you feel like you couldn’t talk to me about what was going on. What kind of partner am I?”

“The best one,” you say confidently. “It’s okay, I’m okay. I just want to forget about it right now. Can we just disappear for a little bit?”

Kevin wraps his arms around you tighter, as if he can engulf you to protect from the cruel outside world. “We can do whatever you want. If you want to get out of the city for a bit if you want, or just spend the next few days here away from prying eyes.”

“I love you.”

You say it because you mean it, and if you could scream it from the rooftops you would. Kevin is incredibly easy to love, even when you make it difficult for him to love you back. You know another much longer conversation is coming about everything that has happened recently because communication is the only way to solve problems and Kevin deserves that, but you’re thankful he’s willing to put it to rest for a few more moments.

He cracks a smile for the first time since he’s been home and kisses the crown of your head. “I love you too sweetheart,” he whispers, “Always and forever.”

Things are far from over and though you still never want to show your face in public ever again, you know that Kevin is going to do whatever he can to make things better and that’s enough for you.

☼☼☼☼

taglist: @ricohenrique @tortito @boqvistsbabe @iwantahockeyhimbo @himbos-on-ice @2manytabsopen if you want to be added just shoot me an ask :)

[nientedal]

I wanna preface all this with, if I sound frustrated here, it's not because of you or anything you've written. 100% of my disgust rests on the situation and on D themself.

Short version: they were obnoxious, they got a warning, they continued to be obnoxious, they got upset and left, and they got banned so they couldn't come back...and then they got incredibly fucking butthurt about it and pedojacketed our admin and three other people who had dared be polite and then disagree with them.

Long version below the cut. This is STILL as short as I could make it.

First of all, here is a link to a folder with screenshots in a PowerPoint of all the interactions D had with the people they accused originally. The folder also contains a document D wrote with the "proof" of their abuse in our server, which I have annotated to add context. I have also included a link to the transcript of the ticket the mods opened to privately address D's behavior with them.

Filthy is likely not going to weigh in on this personally, as the whole thing is still extremely anxiety-inducing for him, but I've known him for something like 12 years and have been dating him for more than 2. He is not a damned groomer. He worked really, REALLY hard and was deliberately careful to create a server that would be as safe as possible for people of all ages, because he was groomed and hurt as a teen and he is not fucking interested in letting that happen to anyone else on his watch. It is incredibly disheartening to have this lying little weasel screaming they were abused and groomed and it's a horrible server run by toxic pedos, blah blah. We take safety extremely seriously! We are very firm about keeping NSFW stuff away from our minors, and we have enough adult-only channels that adults don't have to post in minor-friendly spaces at all if they don't want to. Mistakes are really rare. I honestly can't remember if anyone has posted anything overtly nsfw in a sfw channel...the most "exciting" thing I can think of was some fanart of a character wearing silly underpants, and that's not NSFW lol, I'm sorry. Everything posted to SFW channels is stuff you might see on public access TV.

I'm not sure what exactly D told you all about their time with us. They were in Evil Lair for, I think, three weeks? And their barrage of harassment went on for MONTHS, literally JUST because (1) an adult who didn't want to be friends with them was polite to them a couple of times anyway, and (2) D was butthurt about being banned from the server (and about realizing someone who was nice to them out of basic decency didn't actually like them). I wish I was exaggerating! But that was seriously it, and they screamed on Twitter, they screamed on Tumblr, they sent friends into the server under false pretenses to gather "proof" (there is no proof, because nothing goddamn happened), they sent friends to harass one of the mods in DMs. One of their friends came in and harassed one of the other victims. They even made a parody OC of Filthy and drew him being sexually creepy. It was Fucked. Up. And this was AFTER they flat-out admitted the "grooming" was neither sexual nor romantic:

Platonic grooming is not a real thing.

D left the server because they didn't like being told to block people and filter tags to keep themself safe on 17+rated apps. D left, and Filthy banned them so we could take a fucking break, because us mods were exhausted from dealing with them. We try HARD to keep the server friendly and welcoming, and D made it difficult for us every goddamn day. 'Megamind' is a movie that attracts a lot of people who have been bullied and socially traumatized for harmlessly liking "weird" stuff or for being "weird" themselves in some way, and the server had been getting noticeably quieter as D slowly revealed themself to be deeply judgmental and unsafe to share things with.

(In retrospect, we probably should have just said "If you think someone here is honestly a threat, open a ticket and speak to the mods so we can evaluate. Otherwise, either block who you need to block and move on, or get the fuck out." But they hadn't seemed malicious yet; they honestly seemed happy to be there and eager to make friends. We didn't actually want to ban them, or we would have done it way sooner.)

Anyway, you mentioned D putting up a facade before revealing themself, and I think that's exactly what happened with us as well. They didn't have stories about "grooming," but they were on their best behavior for a while as they tried to figure out whether we would support them. From what you've said, it sounds like D has now figured out how to win sympathy by crying about being groomed, and is using that to make people care about them? Fucking disgusting, if so. I don't blame you at all for believing them, to be clear - I would have, too. But holy fucking shit. I fully believe SOMEONE hurt this kid, and I understand they need help, but that doesn't change the fact that they are the most terminally online, virulently toxic talking anus I've ever had the misfortune to interact with. I am so, so sorry y'all have run afoul of this person. All I can say is, block, ban, find a good support system to bitch with, and resist the urge to check their Twitter. My sympathies.

Guys, I fell into the D*psy Rabbit hole after seeing big blowout she made in my gf's server and this post, and it got me thinking, who else was harassed by this kid? I want to see the "abuser" point of view because she did talk about Filthy in her previous joining of the RGTK server being her groomer (we didn't know at the time that it was false) and I finally saw Filthy's POV of it, which I am very sorry of what she done to you.

So it's understandable if you guys don't want to talk about it publicly. In the DMs would be fine because after seeing the context from the Megamind fandom, I started to think that there were other fandoms she put up a facade for before showing her true colors.

This isn't a hate post, I'm just curious about how others were around her. I would blame those drama vids to get me climbing down this D*psy Rabbit hole.

[p-redux]

Gloating about being an insider during a time of sadness is DISGUSTING

I'm not gloating, I'm posting INFO and FACTS like I always do...and showing restraint and discretion in not posting it sooner, and not posting the details, which I haven’t and won’t.

But you know what IS disgusting? Here’s a LONG list, and by no means, a comprehensive one, of what Extreme Shippers, Former Extreme Shippers, and Assorted Haters have done that is VERY DISGUSTING. I’ll write it stream of consciousness-like and not in order. Put your feet up and grab a tall drink. Here we go...

Click on Keep Reading

Extreme Shippers found Cait’s condo when she used to live in Los Angeles and sat outside for hours waiting to see if they saw her with Sam. ES blackmailed and coerced a minor, a 14 year old girl who was a super fan of Abbie’s sister, Charlotte Salt, into giving them info regarding Abbie and Sam. The girl was following Abbie’s locked Instagram account and could see the Sam related stuff Abbie was posting. ES won her trust, she gave them info about Abbie and Sam, they then told her if she didn’t screencap and give them the Sam related pics on Abbie’s IG account, they would tell Abbie and Charlotte that she had been giving them info. Sick doesn’t begin to describe it. ES tried to dox and did dox anyone and everyone who got in the way of their SamCait ship. Doxed, as in PUBLICLY posted, the names, addresses, pictures of their houses, professions, husbands’ and children’s names, employer names of ANYONE and EVERYONE who posted something to contradict the ship. They even posted pictures of their children. Again, messing with minors is a big no no, and usually a crime. ES created fake Ashley Madison accounts (that’s the website for married people who want to meet people to cheat on their spouses with) and pretended to be non-shippers’ husbands to try to make it seem like the husband was cheating. It got so bad, that in some cases, non-shippers had to get restraining orders, cease and desist orders, get the police, lawyers, and in TWO cases, the F B I involved. Yes, the F B I has come a knocking on a couple of Extreme Shipper’s doors because of their ILLEGAL actions. ES lured some of Sam’s girlfriends into believing they had their best interest at heart, gained their trust, and they PUBLICLY posted their PRIVATE messages. Luckily, in the case of one Sam’s ex, Abbie Salt, she later did confirm she and Sam dated, which totally negated everything that shipper had said Abbie told her.  ES directly BULLIED and HARASSED fans, Outlander cast, crew, journalists, reporters, family and friends of Sam and Cait. ES contacted people’s employers to try to get them fired...literally messed with people’s livelihoods. They tried to get the Outlander drivers fired because they started posting stuff against shippers AFTER shippers turned on them. ES waited outside Sam and Cait’s residences in whatever location they were in to try to “catch them together.” Taking pics at someone’s private residence is very different than getting pics or video in PUBLIC places. For years, ES have manipulated pictures, gifs, video to sell the SamCait LIE to their gullible shipper friends. They’ve made money off selling these lies. ES have ostracized and banished any shipper friends who acknowledged the ship wasn’t real. They sent their best friend to Tony’s bar in London to try to prove he and Cait weren’t together, and when she unwittingly found out they were, they then bullied her and kicked her out of shipperville. ES created multiple hate sock accounts for the SOLE purpose of CYBERBULLYING Sam’s girlfriends and dates. Any time Sam dates a woman, ES follow the same pattern. They contact the women’s employers, parents, siblings, other family members, friends, ex-boyfriends trying to malign the women. Some examples: They pretended to have gone to high school with Mackenzie Mauzy and spread lies that she had a bad reputation in high school. They spread lies that Gia was a paid escort. ES contacted social media outlets to spread LIES about Sam and Cait and their significant others. Contacted anyone associated with Cait and Tony’s wedding trying to intimidate them into saying there was no wedding. They posted the picture of a waiter at one of the Outlander premieres and tried to pass him off as Tony to prove Tony didn’t go with Cait. ES have continuously posted pics of Cait with her naturally poochy belly trying to prove that she’s been pregnant with Sam’s children for the last 7 years. ES publicly questioned her if she was pregnant. Sam haters and disgruntled ex-shippers have spread rumors that Sam is gay. Nothing wrong with being gay, but what is wrong is spreading LIES. ES have badmouthed Cait’s HUSBAND, Tony McGill saying he was: her assistant, gay, her gay assistant, a loser, broke, boring, ugly, her purse holder, etc. And trust me, what I’ve posted above is the SHORT list.

And that’s not even mentioning what they’ve done to ME. Ever since I committed the unforgivable sin of posting source info CONFIRMING Sam and Cait were never a couple, and Cait was dating Tony, way back in 2014, this is what SamCait Extreme Shippers have done to me. Tagged me endlessly when I had my Twitter account telling me things like “Die, b*tch,” “Die, c*nt,” “You should be gang rap*d,” “Drop a house on her,” “You’re worse than AIDS,” and those are the “nice” comments. They literally BULLIED me every day, all day for YEARS. They also created hate accounts on Twitter and Instagram to mock me, parody me, and post lies about me. They were convinced they’d found my real identity (based on circumstantial evidence, which I’ve countered and can counter with the actual truth), and proceeded to post THAT woman’s FULL NAME, city where she lived, profession, reported her to her licensing board, and created a fake Twitter account pretending to be her. She got a lawyer and was able to get everything taken down, but they basically tried to ruin her life. They’ve spread LIES about me being the one harassing THEM and managed to convince over 60 dopes with disposable incomes to give them money for a GoFundMe campaign where they hired a Private Investigator to try to find me. They started a witchhunt letter writing campaign, hashtagged it on Twitter, #takebackourfandom, or some such bullsh*t, tagged everyone in Outlander cast and crew “telling” on me and even sent letters and e-mails to Starz and Sony executives trying to...I don’t know what. Hahahaha. It’s so ridiculous, my brain is scrambling as I write this. They told their followers not to believe anything I say and that I’m evil personified. ALL of that and more because they couldn’t face the FACT that their SamCait ship NEVER EXISTED and I was the one that confirmed it. When I think about it, I can’t believe I lived through all that. But I stayed because I knew I had the TRUTH on my side and that eventually it would all come out, which of course it did. And because I’m a bad bitch who doesn’t scare easily.  EVERYTHING I’m referring to here is well DOCUMENTED with screencap proof. Or just ask anyone who’s been in the fandom long enough, they’ll attest that what I’m saying did actually happen, and that Extreme Shippers, Former Shippers, and Haters did do all of that.

So, Anon, when you come at me with “disgusting” things in this fandom, please refer to the above before you start pointing fingers at me. 

PS. “Anon,” I’ve got your Los Angeles/Anaheim Samsung Galaxy S10e IP address tagged. So, send me another hate Ask and you’ll get blocked. And don’t bother using a VPN...once the tag is on, it follows the user no matter what IP they use. Now you know. 

[dr-spencer-reids-queen]

Broken Mirror: Part One

Pairing: Spencer Reid x Reader

Word Count: ~1.5k

Warnings: canon violence, canon language, canon talk of death, methods of kill, and angst

Author’s Note: I do not own anything from Criminal Minds. All credit goes to their respective owners. If there is any warnings that exceed the normal death/kills from the show, I will list them. If you’ve seen the show, then it’s the same level of angst unless otherwise stated.

Feedback is gold, and it’s the only currency I take

"When a good man is hurt, all who would be called good must suffer with him." - Euripides

Thinking about going on a date with Spencer is way different than actually doing it. Gideon got you two the good seats even if it is a first come first serve. However, you made sure to arrive early enough to get a seat by the exit so you didn't have to waste time just sitting around while everyone else leaves. Gideon picked a good day as well since they were playing a two special horror movies, Psycho and The Shining. Spencer hadn’t seen either of them, but you have and you knew you would have a good time.

“Okay, I got literally every sweet thing they had,” you announced, climbing into the bed of your truck. Spencer didn’t have a car since he preferred to take public transportation to work. Sometimes you would be his ride if he asked for it, so it was natural that you two take your car. It was better anyway since you had a 4x4 off road truck with a comfortable bed if you laid down blankets and pillows, which you did. Spencer leaned on the back of the truck as you sat next to him, handing him the candy he requested.

“I didn’t know you liked sweet stuff.”

“Sweetheart, my whole life revolves around sugar,” you chuckled, pausing when you realize what you just said. “Sorry.”

“What are you sorry for?”

“For calling you sweetheart. It just came out,” you chuckled nervously.

“It’s okay. I like it,” he smiled.

“Great, okay,” you immediately felt better.

“So, what do we do here?”

“You’ve never been to a drive-in theater before?”

“Never.”

“Well, some people stay inside the car with the windows rolled down, but that’s only if they have a bench for a seat so they can sit really close to each other. I don’t have that so I chose the bed. We can sit anywhere we want,” you began to demonstrate by moving all around the trunk to show him before settling right… next… to… him, “even here.” You go to move, but he placed a hand on your shoulder to stop you.

“You can stay here if you want.”

“Oh, okay, sure,” you cleared your throat, trying to get the awkwardness out of the way. It was clear Spencer didn’t do this too often which was fine, but you wanted to move past the awkward phase.

“Aren’t these movies two hours long each?”

“Yeah, or more, which I don’t know why Gideon thought getting us tickets for this day was a smart idea. He knows I fall asleep during movies all the time.”

“How do you know Gideon?” he asked. Your intentions were to lean against the car, but you shifted too much and ended up against his side, which he didn’t seem to care. Opening the bag of candy you got, you popped one in your mouth and chewed.

“He was the lead agent on my case,” you finished once you swallowed.

“What do you mean?”

“My sister was murdered by her boss since he kept harassing her at work and she would always deny him. He was the one who helped me through losing her. I mean, she wasn’t my blood sister since my parents were fostering a bunch of kids, but she was my sister. The man killed himself before Gideon and his team could get to him, but at least we know he did it. He had the whole plan and more laid out at his apartment.”

“I’m so sorry. I didn’t know,” he said quietly.

“You couldn’t have. It’s fine. The more I talk about it, the less it hurts. I was the one who led Gideon to his apartment since I saw the whole thing after it happened. After that, Gideon and I stayed in touch and would occasionally ask me for help on cases. It’s why he wanted me to join the BAU.”

“That must have been so difficult.”

“It was, but I’m glad I have it. I get to help a lot of people because of it,” you grinned. The first movie started playing, and you and Spencer got comfortable enough to sit through four and a half hours of both movies.

“Did you know due to how repressed Americans were in the 1950s, Psycho is actually the first American film to show a toilet on screen. Consequently, it’s the first American film in which we hear the toilet flush,” you informed him.

“I didn’t know that, no,” he chuckled. 

Halfway through the movie, Spencer began to feel your weight getting heavier as you gave up holding yourself up as to not crush him. He looked over at you to see your eyes closed and your mouth parted. He didn’t want to move for fear of waking you, but he couldn’t help but give a smile at your state.

Walking into work the next day, you couldn’t help but recall the events of yours and Spencer’s date. You did fall asleep halfway in the first movie, and you didn't know why he didn’t wake you since it was supposed to be a date. Nonetheless, when it was all over, you two got some ice cream which was way better. Gideon did a good job sparking up the flame between you and Spencer, but it was now up to you two to keep it lit.

“You fell asleep?” JJ laughed as you, her, and Penelope walked down the hallway to the bullpen. 

Of course, you told your two best friends what happened on the date. You three were getting closer which is why you thought it would be good to engage in some healthy gossip.

“Yes, I did. I always do. But Spencer and I went out for ice cream afterwards which was way better,” you chuckled.

“Did he kiss you?” Penelope asked with a grin.

“No, he didn’t. Well, not on the lips. He did kiss me on my cheek, but it’s a first date and I don’t even know if it’ll happen again. I mean, he hasn’t really talked about it. We haven’t had time to really talk about what this might mean. I can tell he’s nervous and tense which can either mean he’s trying to find a reason to let me down gently, or he likes me but won’t do anything about it,” you explained as you walked into the bullpen.

Spencer was on the other end of it talking with Derek, and when you two made eye contact, you gave him a small wave. He stiffly waved back, and you looked away with a sigh.

“His emotional state is all over the place, but I don’t know what it means,” you shrugged.

“Reid, Morgan, Y/L/N,” Hotch announced when he and Elle exited his office, “document's up on the screen regarding the kidnapping of Trish Davenport.”

“That’s my cue,” Penelope left the group.

“Keep me updated,” JJ whispered.

“Have you read them yet?” Spencer asked as you three walked up the stairs to follow the duo.

“Yeah, I got a copy from the document examiner.”

“What does it say?” you wondered.

“That we've got until 8:00 tonight,” he sighed, closing the door once everyone was inside the briefing room. The note that was left for Evan Davenport, the father of the kidnapped girl, was up on the screen.

“You will follow instructions carefully. You will do this to ensure the safety of your daughter. You will wait for the call. You will answer the call at 8:00 P.M. You will write down the instructions and follow them to the letter,” Spencer read it word for word.

“That gives us less than 9 hours to get to Connecticut, work up victimology on Trish Davenport, and prepare her father for the ransom drop.”

“How do we know the letter is real?” you asked.

“The handwriting is a match for Trish's,” he explained as he showed it. “He dictated it to her, and they found saline on the paper.”

“Her tears,” Gideon muttered.

“He never says ‘I’. He doesn't say, ‘I will call’. He says, ‘you will answer the call’. He's distancing himself from the kidnapping. If he said ‘I’, he'd be taking responsibility for it,” Derek noted.

“There's also another missing element. No mention of the police.”

“Ransom notes almost always forbid police involvement,” Elle stated.

“So, is he expecting law enforcement to get involved?” you wondered.

“Well, if he's expecting us, let's not disappoint him,” Gideon smiled.

“Is everyone familiar with the father?” Hotch asked as he passed out the case files while the plane was in the air.

“Evan Davenport, U.S. Attorney, executive assistant southern district, New York, widower. He assigned U.S. Marshals three times in the past ten years due to death threats,” Spencer spit out the facts.

"Is the protective detail still current?” Derek inquired.

“Around the clock, but Trish declined protection when she turned eighteen.”

“But why kill the boyfriend?” you asked, crossing your legs in your seat.

“Well, if I'm gonna kidnap someone I know, I have to take out whoever's with them. It says here she's got a sister,” Derek stated.

“Cheryl.”

“Any problems? Were they close?”

“Yeah, they’re identical twins,” you showed everyone the picture of both sisters side by side. “Which makes me think was Trish the target or was Cheryl?”

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[gothbitchshit]

Per your Eddie and not wanting kids headcannon. I saw your tags and uh may I ask how you’re able to get a hysterectomy because uhm I would like one but I live in Texas in the good ol US of A and I do not even know where to start.

Hi anon! I’m sorry you’re dealing with that /: I also live in the US (Arizona) and truly. Getting it feels like a miracle almost???

I’m getting real honest up in here so if you don’t wanna read about my ✨uterus problems✨ there will be a tldr at the end under all my rambling under the cut.

So I’ve been struggling with my uterus and in turn my periods since I started having them. Like months of no bleeding, then months where I wouldn’t stop bleeding. Birth control also only made it worse somehow? And I’ve tried different brands of pills, the depo shot, the birth control patch, etc.

mind you I’m happily in a relationship with a cis woman so I was not doing this for contraceptive measures — I was doing this 1000% to get relief from my garbage uterus. Anywho

Last year I got an IUD, which my doctors thought would help, but I still had painful, aggressive periods. During this time I got diagnosed with PMDD, this was incredibly helpful for my getting the approval for my hysterectomy.

Now bc of all of this my doctors were like hey, maybe you have endometriosis? And I was like huh. Wild. Maybe. And unfortunately, the only real diagnosis you can get for endometriosis comes after explorative surgery. It’s very much a thing where you have to suggest to your doctor that you think you could have it and then you talk about symptoms and your doctor shrugs and they go “probably” and you move on.

After all of this and a lot of shitty doctors who didn’t give a shit about me, I was recommended an obgyn by a friend who had found a list of doctors who will help you get a tubal ligation without harassing you about your age or marital status (here).

My doctor, thankfully, after our first meeting immediately recommended a hysterectomy. She affirmed that no one should ever have to suffer with that just because I’m under thirty and don’t have kids. The fact that I’m queer and don’t want to birth my own children (if I ever have them) shouldn’t change the fact that I was being failed by the medical system.

My first appointment with my doctor was September 30th, and I’m getting my hysterectomy on November 16th, so the turn around on it was impressive honestly lmao (that’s also not factoring in somehow my body managed to push out my iud between my first appointment and getting my ultrasound literally 3 days later)

Even after all of this, I still had to wait the longest for insurance approval. And I had to tell my doctors repeatedly what I’d done up until now to just try and live with my period.

TLDR; I struggled for a long time, but having and keeping documentation of what you’ve attempted to do and what didn’t work for you is key to getting it approved, both by your doctor and by insurance. If your doctor isn’t listening to you, try to find a new one. Even in red states, there are resources and people who will help you, even if it’s just to point you in the right direction 🖤

[rosethornewrites]

Fic: Breaking Point

Relationships: Caline Bustier & Marinette Dupain-Cheng | Ladybug, Adrien Agreste | Chat Noir & Marinette Dupain-Cheng | Ladybug

Characters: Caline Bustier, Marinette Dupain-Cheng | Ladybug, Adrien Agreste | Chat Noir, Alya Césaire, Max Kanté, Nathaniel Kurtzberg, Juleka Couffaine, Lila Rossi, Tikki

Tags: caline bustier salt, Reveal, Badass Marinette Dupain-Cheng | Ladybug, Adrien Agreste Knows, Protective Adrien Agreste | Chat Noir, Caline Bustier Knows, ml salt, Harassment, Lila Rossi Lies, Bad Classroom Environments, Gaslighting, enablers, Bullying ,Salt, Identity Reveal, Spitefic, Swearing, Adrien Sugar

Summary: '“For instance, being a superhero is not a viable career path,” was what made her tune in, her attention fully pulled to Mme. Bustier, who seemed to be looking right at her.' 

Note: This was written based on a prompt by @norakwami.

AO3 link

------

Marinette wasn’t really paying attention to Mme. Bustier’s lecture. To be fair, it was about career options and how to achieve them, something she had researched so completely she already had a list of universities she intended to apply to, along with possible companies to intern, all carefully tabbed in a binder at home that was also slowly filling with application and portfolio ideas.

Given that she was only fourteen and still had four more years before she reached the point of applying, she was ahead of the game. Perhaps she could be considering going to another lycée instead of the feeder for Collège Françoise Dupont, perhaps somewhere private that had a focus on fashion. But she didn’t want to put pressure on her parents, who would have to pay the tuition for such an institution, when she was already winning awards and making a name for herself through designing for Jagged Stone and the up-and-coming Kitty Section, among others.

“For instance, being a superhero is not a viable career path,” was what made her tune in, her attention fully pulled to Mme. Bustier, who seemed to be looking right at her.

What.

The.

Fuck.

Marinette felt frozen by that stare, pinned like a ladybug by an entomologist. How could she know? Did other people notice her stare?

“Ladybug is almost certainly harming her civilian future through these superhero antics, which prevent her from fulfilling all her obligations.”

Alya snorted. “That’s not Ladybug’s fault—it’s Hawkmoth’s. Ladybug protects the city. And maybe Paris should pay her for her services!”

“Ladybug is a teenager who should be concentrating on school,” Mme. Bustier declared, still staring holes into Marinette.

“Ladybug has never released her age,” Adrien murmured, his voice sounding strained. “So that’s conjecture, Mme. Bustier. How does this have to do with our future careers?”

To her horror, he turned and followed her gaze to Marinette.

She felt as though she might hyperventilate, panic rising in her gut. If she was compromised, that put her family and friends at risk, put the Miracle Box at risk, played right into Hawkmoth’s hands. She’d never been good at a poker face, and she wasn’t sure whether she was managing now.

Adrien’s eyes widened, and she knew she’d failed, at least with him. Kwami, she hoped she could trust him.

“I’m glad you asked, Adrien. For instance, Marinette, would you please share your current preparation for your future career.”

All eyes were on her, and she could feel the thoughts swirling around them as she was called out. She swallowed, trying to push it all down.

“I-I… I have a binder. At home. F-fifteen different universities with fashion p-programs. In order of where I want to go most. Also c-companies that offer internships.” She took a deep breath, trying to calm her nerves—it helped a bit. “I’ve started my portfolio, including the b-bowler hat that won M. Agreste’s contest, and my work for Jagged Stone and Kitty Section, and p-pictures of clothing I’ve designed and made.”

She could hear murmurs around her, and Alya gave a low whistle beside her.

“Girl, no wonder you don’t sleep. You’re on top of this!”

Mme. Bustier’s mouth became a thin line, her lips pressed together as though she was irritated.

Marinette wished keenly that Master Fu was still around, could handle this situation. She’d come to realize Mme. Bustier was a terrible teacher, enabling bullying and shaming victims as though they were at fault for their treatment. But this was a whole new level of awful.

“Still, the way you run off during Akuma attacks interrupts your daily life and prevents you from—”

“We all run away during Akuma attacks! They disrupt all our daily lives.”

Adrien stood, his back rigid from tension.

“Marinette has been personally targeted multiple times during Akuma attacks. So have I! A lot of this has been documented on the LadyBlog. It’s traumatizing—and we keep our memories of that because we’re not the Akuma. I run and hide, personally. Why would you shame Marinette for that?”

The class fell silent, and glancing around Marinette could see the tension in their faces, their own memories of being chased by Akuma.

Adrien had moved this away from the idea of Marinette being Ladybug to her being shamed for her reaction to Akumas. He was protecting her. And she loved him all the more for it.

“There was Evillustrator,” Marinette murmured, jumping on the red herring.

She glanced at Nathanaël apologetically. He offered a sad smile.

“I had to help Chat Noir with that. It was scary. André Glacier became Glaciator and came looking for me, and Chat Noir saved me from getting frozen. And Gamer was looking for me. Chat Noir saved me again.”

She could see Max wince across the aisle.

“Reflekta turned me into her clone because she was mad at me. And it was my fault.”

Marinette turned and mouthed ‘sorry’ to Juleka.

“It wasn’t your fault,” Juleka whispered, then cringed as she realized her voice had carried far enough for everyone to hear.

She smiled, then turned back to the front.

“My own grandmother tried to turn me into coal when she was Akumatized because she was upset I wasn’t like eight years old anymore—Chat Noir saved me again there, too. And then my dad was Akumatized and Chat Noir and Ladybug had to save me again.”

Marinette hadn’t been able to transform, needing to be saved as a civilian before she could get back as Ladybug. Too many of them had been so public she’d had to trust Chat Noir would be able to hold his own until she got there—and she did, but she was afraid sometime that would be fatal.

“And I saw footage when Adrien was dropped from a building and then when Volpina pretended to drop him from the Eiffel Tower. That’s terrifying!”

She didn’t turn around to look at Lila. Instead she looked at Adrien, who was still standing, alternating between glaring at Mme. Bustier and glancing back at her with concern in his eyes.

“And then there’s mind control Akumas, like with Miracle Queen. I’m scared of Akumas, Mme. Bustier. Even when they’re across the city, they won’t always stay there, and I want to hide. And I refuse to be ashamed of that!”

It wasn’t a lie, either. Civilian her absolutely wanted to hide—and did, just behind a mask.

She turned her attention to the teacher, keeping her back straight, remembering she had Adrien on her side, even if she wished he didn’t know—damn Bustier for that. Marinette steeled herself.

“I don’t understand why you’ve singled me out to try to imply I alone am somehow failing to perform because of Akumas, but you always seem to do this. I’m at fault for being bullied. I need to be an example and not react when my belongings are destroyed and my locker is broken into. Or when someone gets me expelled by somehow putting test answers in my bag and a new Gabriel-brand necklace—supposedly an heirloom—in my locker that’s been broken into before. I’ve spent the last year feeling I’m not allowed to have emotions. But this is the last straw.”

Marinette stood, picking up her bag. When she glanced down Tikki was giving her the Kwami version of a thumbs up.

“Frankly, Mme. Bustier, you have been toxic for my mental health for quite some time. Time I’ve spent researching to discover what you’re doing isn’t appropriate for the classroom; it’s abusive and reportable. If you’ll excuse me, I need to speak to the M. Damocles, as well as my parents. And perhaps the Board of Governors, as I am no longer willing to tolerate this treatment and its continued harm to my education.”

With that, she marched down the stairs, past an open-mouthed Bustier, and out of the classroom, holding her head high.

Once in the open hallway, clear of the windows, she deflated.

“Well, fuck,” she whispered. “I guess I get to do research on a new collège, too.”

She supposed, at least, she’d been successful at diverting Bustier from the Ladybug accusations; the last thing she needed was for Ladybug-hater Lila to know and come after her.

“You and me both.”

Adrien’s voice behind her nearly made her jump out of her skin. She was relieved to see no one else had followed him. She could hear the hullaballoo of the classroom behind her, all control having been lost.

He quirked a grin. “We’re in it together, Bugaboo. As always.”

She stared, feeling like there was a hamster lolling on the wheel of her thoughts instead of running to turn it.

Adrien took her arm. “Come on. I’ll support you. Let’s go talk to M. Damocles.”

“Ch-Chat?” Marinette managed in a hiss as her brain finally caught up.

He gently guided her forward. “My Lady.”

She wasn’t sure whether she wanted to laugh, cry, scream, or some combination of the three. But as they approached M. Damocles’ office, Marinette pushed the issue aside.

After all, she had work to do, and Ladybug didn’t leave work unfinished.

[anewbeginningagain]

Thank you for what you said about being disappointed in the fandom and not in VM. I came to follow you through the VM fandom and I do remember you clearly drawing a line when the shipper/anti discussion got to be overwhelming. I respect that so much. I loved them as performers and as a team, and I have always believed them when they clearly said they were not a couple. I also believe they have now each forged paths that fit them and that were 100% what I would have expected given what they expressed interest in over the years.

How did you know when to step back? While I wasn’t a shipper, I mistakenly thought that the shipper discourse was all in good fun and hung around far too long. During that time, and especially around the WOF events, it felt like nearly every VM blog (even the normally neutral ones) had drunk the shipper Kool Aid and was taking sides between VM. I really can’t look at any of those blogs with any respect, to say nothing of the truly vile people who continue to propagate lies about VM to this day. So I’m now also very bitter at the fandom, because it put a darkness over the last year we got to see VM be a skating team, and we won’t get that time back.

I don't think I knew when to step back, I stepped back too late tbh. For a long time I tried to fight what was done to them because it was just such injustice in my eyes and in my character I find it hard not to fight for what I believe even when it costs me. I'm putting this under a keep reading since it turned out long.

I think my experience was different for many reasons, I wasn't on tumblr before TS, I didn't know what a fandom is and was never part of one, didn't even know what shipping was. So coming here in 2014 and lurking until I joined fully was a strange experience. And that's partly why I was a part of it but also always an outsider, I didn't have group chats or was a part of some clique. At times I chatted with other blogs but it was mostly impersonal. That's also why I was a very low-key shipper in some ways but I was also much more realistic in terms of what it actually means and what I expect from them (nothing at all btw, shipping them was always on me, not on them, it was my decision and they owed me nothing).

The thing with the TS fandom is that it was toxic from the start and I was completely aware of it. One of my first ever posts was me publicly calling out another blogger for being a bully, it wasn't even done to start a fight or anything, I just didn't know what the decorum was around here... But it was well deserved and only escalated from there. The fandom basically turned people into monsters in my eyes - people were bullies, harassing others, belittling them. Every time a blogger would come out and share a personal experience like TS helping them deal with personal heartbreak - those "monsters" would drag them both anonymously and publicly. And while it drove me crazy to watch it, what made it worse is that most people were reluctant to stand up against it. And this was when the fandom was way smaller than it became in 2018.

During 2016-2018 before they went viral the fandom still had many low points, they'd start a rumor about every person TS were seen talking to, every photoshoot Tessa did made people question her motivation and commitment to skating and made them angry at Scott for not trying enough, every skating related decision was questioned and they were announced as DOOMED about once a week. It was a time where the fandom will have a meltdown about once a month over the dumbest things ever. And yet at that time, it was still worth being around. The good outweighs the bad.

But it stopped being the case in 2018. I was so happy they went viral but the new batch of fans made things a lot worse. They came in knowing nothing and completely fell for the "monsters" that were always around, they needed the entertainment and they didn't care about the consequences of their actions. Some of them came from other fandoms and didn't realize that what you can do when shipping two movie stars, can't be done when it's two Canadian athletes who are much more accessible and way less prepared to deal with the insanity. It became a circus and TS were the opening act, there to either behave as the masses pleases or fall apart in front of them for entertainment purposes. Everything was fair game to those people, their private lives, their reputation, their families, their integrity, it was all a big game.

So even when it was fun I knew it won't last. There were too many people around that I knew in my heart were horrible people, I think about a month after the Olympics I started blocking accounts who were determined to make stuff up or those trying to "educate" new fans by telling them complete fabrications while still abusing the old bloggers that were around. But I was also getting to know new blogs and while some are still around and are totally great, most were either awful from the start or die-hard shippers who were bound to turn on TS once it will get out that they aren't a couple. And then all the rumors about TS being stalked started going around and things became way too much for me.

And I think I knew that it will be a shit show around here when it will come out that they are not a couple, but even I couldn't have imagined the level people were stoop to. The complete insanity that went down reached the media, other skaters were asked to comment about nasty rumors about them, they and their loved ones were cyberbullied.

I think the time I knew I have to make a complete purge to my timeline both here and on twitter was when someone tagged Scott's girlfriend's old husband in a tweet asking him to get her away by taking her back while attaching legal documents from their divorce papers. That was so demented that I knew I don't want to even be associated with those kinds of people. And there are tons of other horrible things that were done, it's just too infuriating to name more of them.

But the one consistent thing in this fandom was that a big part of it will always try to ruin the happy moments: Their first ACI - some tried to make up some guy Tessa is supposedly dating and was there, first SCI - they couldn't even beat C/B in the FD, a small error at 4CC SD - they are falling apart, a stumble at worlds - they won't be allowed to win the Olympics, they choose MR - it's a warhorse and the judges will laugh at them, the entire 2017/18 - they are doomed, touring Japan - they are a couple but are fighting just look at their body language, thank you Ilderton - can't even look at each other. I can legit keep this going for days.

About 95% of TS fandom is the absolute worse, always have been and always will be, and when anyone come across those "nice" fans who interact with Tessa on Instagram or are part of fs twitter - keep in mind most of those people behaved like horrible human beings, not only to TS but to other fans as well. So yeah, I'm bitter LOL.

[justkending]

Just Roommates. Chapter 32

Series Summary: These two college friends have had years to grow together. Each being the others support system, adventure buddy, movie night partner, and dorky roommates. That is until things start coming to a new light in their relationship. At least for him… Is there something else there? Is it possible? Were these feelings always there?

Pairing: (Modern) Bucky Barnes x Reader

Warning: Fluff, Adulting, sexy-times mentions, language.

Word Count: 3600+

A/N: And ladies and gentlemen... This is the last chapter for this series. It’s been an absolute joy of mine to write, and will for sure being going down as one of my top ones. I hope you enjoy, I hope I did the end justice, and I hope it was everything and more for you all like I wanted. I also may or may not write an epilogue. I’m still debating. If I do, just keep an eye open for tags. Thank you all again for supporting and loving on this brain child of mine. Each and every comment, like, and piece of love sent my way was greatly cherished:) Now on to the next story that I have brewing!!!

Chapter 32:

“Hold still, Y/N!” Nat said as she tried to bring the last pieces of the wiggly woman’s hair together. “Jesus woman!”

“Sorry, I just need-” Y/N started as she reached over once again for another grape that she was currently stress eating. 

“You know, most girls would be starving themselves before they walk down the aisle to get that extra skinny look. Glad to know even your wedding day won’t change you,” Wanda laughed in the corner as she straightened the ivory dress hanging up. 

“It’s grapes. Grapes are healthy,” Y/N turned her head sending a playful glare her way.

“Stop moving!” Nat shouted again with a huff.

“Right, sorry.”

There was a knock at the door as Y/N shoved another handful of grapes in her mouth. 

“Hey, it’s Steve. I need Y/N to sign something for the marriage license before the ceremony.”

“Wait-” Nat started, but before she could finish, Y/N had already cut her off.

“Come on in Stevie!”

Slowly, and ever so carefully, the door opened with Steve sneaking in before anyone that might have been in the hallway could see in. 

“I’ll be quick I promise,” Steve started as he turned into the master bedroom where they were getting ready. But when he was fully looking at her turned in the chair where she was facing the vanity set up, he stopped in his tracks. “Wow.”

“Hey, Stevie. How’s it looking out there?” Y/N said casually with a smile on her lips and her arm resting on the back of the chair. 

“You-You look beautiful, Y/N/N,” Steve smiled not hearing her question. 

“Awe, thanks. I don’t even have my dress on,” she laughed standing and walking over to him. 

“Don’t need it to be beautiful when you’re you, doll,” he winked, giving her a kiss on the cheek. 

“Now, I know you’re going to be at the end of the aisle Steve, but I don’t remember saying yes to marrying you. You keep this up and I might have to,” she winked back.

“Bucky would kill me.”

“True,” she laughed. “So, what do I need to sign? I kinda have plans this evening I have to still get ready for.”

“Right! Here,” he pulled out a pen with the papers already on hand. “Just sign here to state that I can wed you both. I thought I had got all of it done, but when I was doing my checklist this morning-”

“Classic Stevie.”

He rolled his eyes with a smile before continuing. “I realized there was one more document.”

“Easy fix,” she did her signature quickly before handing it all back to him. “Wow, that’s going to be the last time I sign my name with Y/L/N. Hmmm…” she paused as if in shock. “That’s really crazy, isn’t it?”

“It’s pretty crazy,” Steve laughed. “But if I’m being honest I called this since day one.”

“Oh, shut up Rogers!” Nat shouted. “I was the one who called it, and you were the one that said, ‘Eh, he doesn’t deserve her.’” 

“Really now?” Y/N laughed turning to Steve with a raised eyebrow. 

“Ok, fine. But if I’m being honest he didn’t deserve you at the time. He had a lot of growing and soul searching to do,” Steve defended. “I’m happy to say that has been the case, and you was the one to help him along with that.”

“All true things. Now, if you’ll excuse us, we have a bride to get ready Steve,” Wanda intervene. 

“Right, sorry. Sorry,” Steve nodded looking back at Y/N and taking her hand, placing a kiss to it. “We can rag on Bucky after the ceremony. I’ll see you out there Sassy.”

“Thanks Stevie. I’ll see you out there,” Y/N grinned. 

With one last goodbye, Steve walked back out and the girls continued their makeover. 

____________

“Hey man. You nervous?” Sam asked, clasping his hand onto Bucky’s shoulder. 

“I thought I was supposed to be,” Bucky said, adjusting his tie in the mirror. 

“Not necessarily. You’re allowed to feel however you want.” Sam countered.

“Yeah, yeah… It’s just surreal to me still,” Bucky said with a nervous chuckle.

“Because you’re marrying a beautiful woman who loves you for you, and would do anything to make you happy for the rest of your life? Yeah, I can see how that’s unbelievable.” Sam nodded.

“Hey!” Bucky said slapping his back.

“I’m kidding ok!” Sam laughed. “I mean usually I’m not, but-” another slap. “Ok, ok!” He paused looking at the strained groom as he threw on his boutonniere with shaky hands. “Here, let me.” 

Sam took over the flower problem and noticed how Bucky was still tensed. Steve would have been his best man, and still kinda was, if he wasn’t officiating. Sam was basically his second one since they were still rather close. Even though they were constantly harassing the other, they were best friends at the end of the day. Bucky was very happy to have him by his side on this day. 

“You know, I mean it though, right?” Sam asked. 

“Mean, what?” Bucky was clearly lost in his thoughts but still listening. 

“She loves you for you Buck. And that woman would absolutely do anything and everything to make sure you live a happy life. You picked a good one.”

“I did. Didn’t I?” Bucky smiled, relaxing his shoulders some. 

“And I know you would do that same for her.”

“Without a second thought…”

“Then don’t overthink it Buck. You two were made for this. Instead of being nervous, be ecstatic that someone wants to share the same love you have for them to you.”

Bucky paused taking in his words. He was right. He had nothing to be nervous about. Y/N was his person, and he believed he was her person too. This was a match made in the stars. 

“Thanks Sam. I needed that.”

“No problem. That’s what friends are for.” Sam smiled adjusting the last of his suit. 

Steve came in right in time. “Hey, you about ready to get hitched Barnes?”

Bucky looked at the men in the room and the nervous soft smile turned to a full excited grin.

“Yeah, let’s do this.”

____________

“Ok, ladies and gentleman. Wanda and Sam first. Then Clint and I. After that, Vis and Maria. Then of course our beautiful bride,” Nat instructed as she lined everyone up on the back porch of the house just out of sight from the tree so there wasn’t any peeking. Y/N was in the back adjusting her dress and veil. 

“You look stunning Y/N,” Sam said as he looked back at the nervous bride to be.

“Thank you Sam. You look rather dashing as well,” she said with a deep breath. 

“I would like to second Sam’s compliment,” Vis smiled in a calming way.

“I’ll third it!” Clint shouted. 

“Moron, get back in line,” Nat swatted at him. 

“Ow!” Clint said, grabbing his arm. “What? I’m not allowed to compliment the bride?” All he got in return for that comment was a glare. “Ok, yes ma’am.”

“Ready?” Nat asked. Everyone nodded. She peaked around the crew and looked back at Y/N who was staring straight ahead. “Y/N, you ready?”

She paused and then a small smile grew on her face. “Of course.”

Nat gave a nod, and Wanda sent a reassuring smile her way. 

“Let’s do this then,” Nat smiled. 

Music began to play and the crew started making their way slowly to the tree where the altar was. 

Taking a deep breath, it was almost time for Y/N to make her way. She didn’t have anyone escorting her and that was playing in the back of her head as she closed her eyes. But as fate would have it...

“Y/N.”

She turned at the sound of her name, and saw a much older version of her brother who she hadn’t actually seen in person in almost 5 years.

“Carson?”

“Hey sis,” he smiled coming up to her in his nice suit, and someone behind him that she hadn’t noticed yet. “You look absolutely radiant.”

“Thanks,” she said stifling back tears that were quickly forming. “What-what are you-”

“Hey Y/N/N,” another voice said. 

Peaking around her brother, she saw her older sister smiling in a lavender dress coming up to her. 

“Maebry. You guys made it,” she said with a small laugh to hold back the happy tears she was feeling. 

“Couldn’t miss the little sis’s wedding,” Maebry said. 

“Couldn’t miss my second big sis’s wedding,” Carson added. 

They pulled into a group hug with giant smiles on their faces. When they pulled back, Y/N fanned at her face to preserve the makeup. 

“I didn’t think you guys could make it,” she said with furrowed brows.

“Nothing too important to miss this kind of day.”

“Thank you guys. Truly, thank you.”

“Of course. We’re family after all,” Maebry smiled rubbing her hand up and down Y/N’s arm. 

“Uh, speaking of which… Did mo-” Y/N said sniffling back the few tears that escaped. 

“Actually,” Carson pulled out his phone that he had on the whole time without his sister knowing. 

On the screen were the faces of Y/N’s mom and dad with soft smiles awkwardly waving at her. 

“Oh my-” Y/N said, putting a hand over her mouth. 

“Hey Y/N,” her dad said. 

“Hey Dad,” she said after pulling herself together some.

“I-I’m sorry we couldn’t be there,” he said, clearly awkward tension radiating through the phone. 

“We had a convention out in California that we had already left for when we got notice the wedding was today. We would’ve flown out, but flights are cancelled thanks to a storm going on here,” Her mom added. 

“Oh,” Y/N sighed at a loss for words. 

“Listen, we don’t want to make this day more stressful than we’re sure it already is, but we want to say we’re sorry,” her dad sighed. “When we saw your engagement post we felt terrible… We saw how amazing you are doing there with work, life, and clearly your relationship. You’re our daughter and we shouldn’t have done what we did all these years.”

“Yes, and we know you’re about to walk down the aisle and you probably hate us, but we would like to watch the ceremony if you’re ok with it. Since we can’t be there in person we’d like to be there in spirit,” her mom added. 

Y/N took a minute to process this. Sure they had done something horrible to her when she was going off on her own, but she also never reached out or tried to make things right. They both had their pride that they were preserving. End of the day she did want them there. She still loved them even if they didn’t communicate much over the years. 

“Of course,” Y/N nodded. “I, um, I actually have to go now cause I’m already running late to my wedding,” she chuckled, fixing her hair with the veil, “But can we talk soon?”

“We would love nothing more,” her mom smiled. “Now, you go get married darling.”

Y/N nodded with a new smile on her face. Her whole family was actually going to be there for her wedding day. She started the day thinking none of them would. 

“Y/N, can I ask you something?” Carson asked as he handed the phone to Maebry.

“If you ask it quickly, yes,” she laughed walking toward the spot she was already supposed to be halfway to. 

“Can I walk you down the aisle?”

She stopped in her tracks and turned to her brother. 

“Really?”

“Only if you’re ok with it,” he rushed to say worried he overstepped a boundary. 

“Carson, I would love that,” she grinned. 

“I’m going to go find a seat, and keep mom and dad on the phone,” Maebry said, rushing past them. “And Y/N. Carson was right. You look absolutely stunning.”

“It runs in the family,” Y/N winked before watching her sister race to get a seat. 

Taking her brother's arm, they began their walk. Taking deep breaths and focusing on the walk ahead she was finally in sight of Bucky.

He was looking down and taking deep breaths of his own. Once she was at the end of the aisle the music changed and Bucky raised his head. 

As soon as they made eye contact, it was like the rest of the world faded away. You know that cliche saying where it feels like it’s just the two of them on the planet? Yeah, that was a real feeling and it was currently leaving them both breathless. 

Sending Bucky a grin she saw him break some. He choked up and quickly brought his hand up to cover his mouth not wanting the guest to see him fall apart at the sight of her walking toward him. 

Her dress was a sleek ivory gown. Classic and simple. Thin straps holding up the whole thing, and the neckline swooping down making her collarbone pop. Her hair was voluminous with hollywood style waves and her veil was sat in the back pinned by the crown that was on her head. The crown was subtle with stars and moons on it, and sat on her head creating a halo for the angel that she was to him. 

“That man clearly loves you sis,” Carson whispered to her.

“And I’m very much in love with him too.” 

Finally, just steps from the makeshift altar, Y/N and Bucky never broke eye contact. The tree was canopying all around them creating shade for the little bit of sunlight left in the evening. The greenery mixed with the sun setting behind it made the altar all the more alluring. The tree that was going to be a part of their story.

The small crowd sat down, and Carson patted Y/N’s hand before placing a kiss to her cheek, nodding to Bucky who returned it, and moving to his seat next to his sister. 

“You look-” Buck started grabbing her hands and squeezing them while trying to hold back more of his own tears. “I’m sorry, there just aren’t words…”

“Same to you B,” she grinned. 

“You two ready?” Steve asked, smiling at the two. 

“More than ready,” Y/N answered. 

“Yeah punk. Get on with it so I can marry the girl of my dreams,” Bucky said, still looking at Y/N.

Steve rolled his eyes playfully as the crowd chuckled at the banter. 

A little less than half an hour later of vows and proclamations of their love for each other, it was time for the next chapter of life. 

“Do you Y/N Y/M/N Y/L/N take James Buchanan Barnes to be your lawfully wedded husband?” Steve asked.

“Wouldn’t want it any other way,” Y/N smiled, getting the lopsided grin from Bucky.

“And do you James Buchanan Barnes take Y/N Y/M/N Y/L/N to be your lawfully wedded wife?” Steve chuckled. 

“Hell yeah!” Bucky answered, getting the signature eye roll from Y/N.

“In that case,” Steve grinned ear to ear closing the book in his hand. “I now pronounce you husband and wife.”

Before Steve could even say, ‘You may kiss the bride’,” Bucky had both hands on her face pulling her into him for their first kiss as a married couple. 

“You may now kiss the bride, I guess…” Steve sighed, shaking his head as the crowd erupted in cheers.

___________

The reception went off without a hitch. Thanks to Natasha’s anal way about making things perfect, the string lights that were bought outside, perfectly illuminated the back yard and porch for a quaint party. They had a buffet of finger foods thanks to Wanda’s friend. There was a small photobooth on the porch. Music was playing at all times, and they even rented a small dance floor to make it easier to dance on the grass. 

It was late now. The sun had gone down and a few guest had left, leaving it with mainly just the crew, and a few family friends there. 

Bucky and Y/N had just finished talking to his family who were headed home now. His sister was taking his mom home while wishing the couple best wishes.

“Bye Bec. Let me know when you get home!”

“Don’t worry about me. You go dance with your wife,” she winked adding emphasis on the last word making Bucky smile grow. 

“Don’t have to tell me twice.”

Y/N was talking to her sister and brother who were also packing up. 

“Thank you again for coming. It truly meant the world to me that you guys were here, and that mom and dad, well… You know,” she grinned at her siblings.

“Don’t thank us. You’re friend Wanda was the one who called Mom and Dad telling her about everything,” Maebry said.

“Wait, what?” Y/N said shocked. 

“Well, we told mom and dad about it, but didn’t know if there was space to convince them. Little did we know they were actually already considering it, but Wanda was the one who gave them the idea to facetime and such. She supposedly updated them on everything with Bucky and what’s been happening in your life recently. Some stuff we didn’t even know.” 

“She didn’t tell me-”

“She wanted it to be a surprise and clearly it worked,” Carson said. “Don’t think too much about it, and just be happy about the outcome.”

“I am. Thank you guys. Really,” Y/N nodded very thankful for how everything unfolded. 

“Congrats, sis. We love you.”

They got in a big huddle of hugs before grabbing their things. 

“You guys headed out too?” Bucky asked, coming up and wrapping an arm around Y/N’s waist.

“We are,” Maebry nodded. “It was a pleasure to finally meet you in person Bucky. Thanks for taking care of my sister after all these years.”

“No need to thank me for something I love doing,” Bucky waved off. “But thank you for coming. I know it’s a trip for you guys, and I know Y/N really wanted it. As did I.”

“Of course. Now you two be safe, and enjoy your honeymoon. We have a flight to catch,” Maebry smiled. “Welcome to the crazy family, James.”

“Glad to be a part of it,” Bucky winked, giving her a hug.

“You’re a brother, so you know what I’m about to say.” Carson reached his hand out to Buck. “You take care of her or you’ll have me to deal with.”

“If it ever came down to it, I would hope you would kick my ass,” Bucky laughed.

“Good to know,” Carson said with a wink. 

“You guys get home safe, ok?” Y/N said smiling at the conversation. 

“Will do. Love you Y/n/n!” And with that they were on their way. 

“I’m glad they could come,” Bucky said as they watched them get into a car.

“Me too,” Y/N agreed doing the same. 

“You didn’t get to tell me much about your parents calling…”

“A tale for another time. Nothing to worry about at all though. I’m actually really happy with what they said, and we’re going to talk once you and I come back from our honeymoon,” Y/N nodded turning back to Bucky.

“Sounds good, doll. Now, I have been instructed by my sister to dance with my wife,” he said with a cheesy grin and eyebrow wiggle. 

“I always have another dance saved for my husband,” she said with a wiggle of her own as she grabbed his hand and moved to the dance floor. 

______

Y/N and Bucky were saying their goodbyes to everyone as they left. Steve and Peggy being the last to go. Usually there would be a send off for their honeymoon, but considering they had the wedding at their own home, and their flight for their vacation wasn’t until tomorrow morning, no point in doing a send off. 

“You guys are sure you’re ok with staying here and watching Alpine while we’re gone?” Y/N asked. 

“Positive,” Steve answered. 

“It’s actually 5 minutes closer to my work, so I don’t mind at all,” Peggy added. “Plus, Alpine is the absolute sweetest. You don’t have to ask me twice to look after him.”

“Perfect,” Y/N said leaning into Bucky’s side as he wrapped his arm around her. 

“Well, we’ll leave you guys be,” Steve said holding Peggy’s hand. “We will be here tomorrow after you leave.”

“Great, and you guys have a key?” Bucky asked. 

“Still have the one you gave me when you first moved in. Now stop asking me questions and go enjoy your wedding night punk,” Steve laughed going to the car. 

“Drive safe!” Y/N shouted.

“You guys be safe on your trip!” Steve waved after opening the door for Peggy who gave a final wave too, getting in the car. 

Once they were out of sight, Bucky turned to Y/N.

“What do you say we enjoy our wedding night, Mrs. Barnes? Alone…” 

“Don’t have to ask me twice, Mr. Barnes…” she smiled walking up the steps of the porch with a sway of her hips still in her wedding gown.

“Oh, come on now… You know what that does to me,” Bucky growled chasing after her. 

“I know. That’s why I do it.”

Before she could reach the door, Bucky picked her up bridal style getting a giggle fit out of her.

“This is the tradition right?” Bucky said, rubbing his nose on hers. “A start to our new beginning?”

“To our new beginning.”

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[hopelikethemoon]

merry christmas, baby

Title: merry christmas, baby Rating: Explicit  Length: 3,000 Warnings: Period-typical sexism, smut (pregnancy sex, fingering, *squint* cock warming, girl-on-top), fluff.  Notes: Click this to check out the timeline for Maybe Today, Maybe Forever.  Summary: It’s Christmas time in Colombia.  Tag List: @grapemama  @seawhisperer @huliabitch @pedropascalito @rogrsnbarnes@thewallpapergoesorido @twomoonstwosuns @gooddaykate @livasaurasrex @ham4arrow​@hiscyarika​ @plexflexico​ @readsalot73 @hdlynn @lokiaddicted @randomness501​@fioccodineveautunnale​ @roxypeanut​

Holidays were weird. Particularly gift-giving holidays like Christmas. The unfortunate holiday that was looming right around the corner. It was made all the more difficult by the fact that you were five months pregnant with your partner’s baby and you spent most of the day pretending to have a merely casual friendship. You were still trying to figure out what normal was for the two of you. 

Sometimes he would steal a kiss from you when you both ended up on the elevator together, with just enough fervor to leave you reeling for the rest of the day. Other times, it would be three days before he turned up at your apartment looking to spend the night with you.

You still hadn’t told him that you loved him too. You said it all the time, without so many words. Something about saying it terrified you. You still couldn’t wrap your head around the fact that he had been the one to say it first. You had loved him for a while; first as a partner, then as a friend, and now… as whatever he was. He wasn’t your boyfriend — that seemed far too juvenile for your taste. Lover sounded ridiculous, but it at least suited the situation well enough. 

“So,” Chris mused — which was never a good thing. “What are you doing for Christmas? Sit at home and wonder why the baby daddy didn’t stick around?”

You felt a flush creep across your chest and you glared across the office at him. “None of your business. Get the report done so I can send it off.”

“Hey Peña,” Chris ignored you completely. “Don’t you think she’d be less of a bitch if she were still getting some?”

“Why the fuck would I be thinking about that?” Javier snarled, “Get your mind out of the gutter Feistle.”

“I’m just saying.” Chris shrugged. “That’s how I keep my lady pleasant.”

“Fuck off.” You snapped, flipping him off before you started furiously typing. 

“You are a walking HR disaster.” Javier quipped, rising from his desk to bring the stack of his completed paperwork to you. He lingered, resting his hand on your shoulder. “Just breathe.” He squeezed your shoulder three times. 

You looked up at him and smiled softly. “Thanks.” Unwillingly you let Chris read anything into the encounter, you snatched the top file off the stack and skimmed over it. “Your ribbons need to be replaced.”

“Yeah, yeah, yeah.” He waved his hand dismissively as he made his way back over to his desk. “I’ll get to it.”

“Peña what are your Christmas plans?” 

“Dunno.”

“Are you spending it alone?”

Javier shrugged. “I guess it depends on how things go.”

Chris leaned forward, suddenly interested, “One of your lovely ladies?”

“Jesus Christ, Feistle.” Javier dragged his hand over the back of his neck. “This isn’t work.”

“They get expensed as work.”

Javier flipped him off. “We’re not going to be having a Christmas break if you don’t get your fucking reports in.” He glanced up at you, brows furrowed with a sympathetic smile.

You shrugged. There wasn’t much to be done about Chris’ antics. You couldn’t exactly file a report against him for the harassment, because they’d just let you go to cover their own asses. It was a pain in the ass to be the only female agent currently on the job. With Escobar handled, Messina had long since headed back to the states. 

You never had an issue with Javier or Steve. They had treated you like part of the team from day one, Javier especially. He’d always been especially encouraging about your efforts whenever you got briefed on the case. 

If you hadn’t gotten knocked up…

Javier wouldn’t be anything more than your friend and colleague. You’d still be hitting bars with him after work, helping him snag whatever woman had caught his eye that night. He hadn’t been a half-bad wingman himself, though sometimes he definitely set you up to fail.

Which, in light of recent events, made you wonder. 

You blinked as a wad of paper was thrown at your face. “I’m talking to you.” Chris said dryly. “Pregnancy brain?”

“I was contemplating how much effort it would take to put a human male into the paper shredder.” You countered with a smirk. “What did you need now?”

Chris stared at you. “You really need to get laid.” 

“That’s what you needed to tell me?”

“No.” He rolled his eyes. “I forgot what I was going to say now.”

“Of course you did.” You muttered under your breath. “Get the report done, Feistle. The sooner it’s in, the sooner we’re out of here.” 

 ———

Javier was a hard man to shop for. He didn’t need much, which was made apparent by the fact that he could spend three consecutive days at your apartment without needing to get anything from his, except for a clean shirt on the way to work in the morning. You had considered getting him a fancy engraved cigarette case, but he was trying to quit. He didn’t need another pair of aviators and a money clip seemed like a tacky gift. 

You ended up stumbling upon the perfect gift down in a street market near your apartment a week before Christmas. An antique edition of Don Quixote. Javier wasn’t exactly one to settle down for the evening with a nice book, but you recalled a brief conversation you’d had with him last year where he had offhandedly mentioned that it was a story that he and his father had bonded over. 

On the front page of the book, you wrote a short note. You only felt a little guilty for ruining an antique edition. 

 To Javi, 

Long before I knew that you would become the father of my child, you mentioned how much you loved bonding over this story with your father. Now that you are about to become a father yourself, I thought you might enjoy your own edition to share with our child. May she take away as many fond memories with you, as you did with your father. I still remember the way you lit up when you mentioned it and maybe, even then, I was falling in love with you. 

 I love you. 

 “You mean it?” Javier questioned as he traced his fingers over the words you had written. 

“Yeah.” You smiled softly at him. “Do you like it?”

“Baby, I love it.” Javier reached over and gave your thigh a squeeze. “Now I feel like my gift isn’t nearly as sentimental.” 

“You didn’t have to get me anything.” You assured him, resting your hand over his. “I’d settle for a back massage.” 

“I did get you something.” Javier leaned over and pressed a quick kiss to your cheek, before he got up off the sofa and grabbed his leather jacket off the back of a chair in the kitchen. He presented you with a package wrapped in bright red Christmas paper. “I hope you like it.” 

You peeled back the paper to reveal an empty photo album, “Javi.” 

“The camera will get here next week. The shop couldn’t get it in time.” Javier explained as he perched on the arm of the sofa, watching you with a furrowed brow. “It seemed like a nice way to document things… for us.” 

“Thank you.” You gestured for him to come closer. “This…” You looked down at the empty album, flipping through a few pages as you imagined it filled with pictures. You and Javi, the baby, a lifetime of firsts and memories to be made. You hadn’t even considered documenting your pregnancy — your relationship.  You blinked quickly as tears slid down your cheeks. “Goddammit Javi.” 

“Baby, don't cry.” Javier brushed his fingers over your hair. “C’mere.”

You scooted closer to him, sniffling. “They’re happy tears. Promise.” You assured him. “And you thought this gift wasn’t sentimental.” You had never been much of a crier, but ever since your hormones had been put to the test with your pregnancy, you cried over everything. 

“Well without the camera, I figured a blank album didn’t seem like much of a gift.”

You swept another tear off your cheek. “It’s perfect, Javi.” You tilted your face to look up at him with a smile. It wasn’t just a blank album, it was the promise of filling the pages. “Javier,” You started, brushing your thumb over his bottom lip as you stared at him. “I love you.” 

“I love you too, baby.” Javier drawled out, leaning in to press a kiss to your forehead, before dipping down to press a kiss to your lips.

Your fingers trailed around to cradle the back of his neck, playing with the soft hair at the nape of his neck. You didn’t let him pull back from the kiss, your tongue sweeping out over his bottom lip. He groaned against your mouth, lips parting enough to give you access. 

Javier curled his arm around your waist and hauled you onto his lap, his hands settling on your hips as you straddled him. Reluctantly he pulled away and leaned back against the sofa, searching your face. “You good for this?” 

You brushed your hair back behind your ears as you held his gaze. “Would you judge me if I told you I’ve been thinking about this since yesterday?” 

He arched a brow, a smirk playing over his lips. “Oh?” He rubbed his thumbs against your hip bones, before trailing them up along your sides. “Tell me more.”

“Well,” You bit down on your bottom lip, trying to feign a look of innocence as you rested your hands on his shoulders. “I had to take matters into my own hands last night, since someone didn’t come over.” You arched a brow. “Asshole.” 

Javier leaned in and kissed you, “I planned on coming over, but I ended up falling asleep on the sofa.” 

“A likely story.” You teased, dragging your fingers through his hair, letting your nails scrape lightly against his scalp. “You realize falling asleep on the sofa is an old man thing. God, you’re already turning into a father.”

He grumbled, “Oh, fuck off. You know I’ve been keeping God awful hours this week.” His hands returned to your hips, giving them a squeeze. 

“I know.” You tilted your head to the side as you met his eyes, “We can just sleep if you’d prefer.” You said softly as you trailed your fingers down the column of his throat. 

Javier shook his head. “And leave you to take matters into your own hands again?” He caught your hand and brought to his lips, kissing your palm. “Tell me.”

You felt a blush rise across your cheeks and you shifted forward in his lap until you were pressed against the hardened length of his cock. “I thought about your mouth.” You told him, dropping your voice into a low whisper. You traced your thumb over his lips, a shiver running down your spine as his tongue flicked out against your finger. “Is it bad that I started thinking about it at work?”

“Did Feistle’s line of questioning get you thinking?” He ran a hand up the length of your spine, before he rolled his hips beneath you, his cock grinding up against you and sparking heat low in your belly. 

You gave a short nod of your head as you rock downwards, a soft moan slipping past your lips as the movement caught against your clit. “I guess we can thank him for that.” You whispered as you leaned forward and kissed him, your lips slanting needily over his. You dragged your teeth over his bottom lip, your fingers dragging through his hair as you pulled back. 

“You should’ve called me.” Javier drawled out, tracing his pinky along the line of your cheekbone. You should’ve — you actually considered it, but ultimately you hadn’t wanted to seem desperate. Especially considering Javier had already planned to spend Christmas with you. 

“Well, you’re here now.” You smirked at him as you moved to slide off his lap. You didn’t feel particularly sexy in your current state, but the way that Javier looked at you had you convinced that at least he thought you were. 

You hooked your fingers in the waistband of your sleep pants, pushing them down your hips, before letting them slip down your legs, before shimmying out of your underwear. Your breath caught in the back of your throat as you watched Javier palm himself through his jeans, his eyes raking over your naked flesh. You peeled your shirt off, letting it join your discarded clothes.

Javier shifted forward to perch on the edge of the sofa as he smoothed his hands over the curve of your stomach. He dipped down and pressed a soft kiss to your skin, as one of his hands slid lower. “Did you think about this too, baby?” He questioned as he ghosted his fingers along your inner thigh.

You grabbed ahold of his shoulders to keep yourself steady as he dragged his fingers between your slick folds. “Fuck.” You widened your stance, drawing in an unsteady breath. “Don’t tease me Javi.” 

“No?” He brushed his thumb over your clit, but it wasn’t enough. 

“No.” You shook your head. “It’s not—” Whatever you were about to say died on your lips as Javier pressed two fingers into you slowly. Your eyes fell closed and your lips parted with a breathy moan. Though your second trimester was still fraught with the occasional upset stomach, it had done wonders for your libido. And Javier had been more than willing to give into your needs, despite his own hesitancy about doing something wrong. 

“Love the way you look.” Javier drawled out, his voice rough with his own desire as he watched your face. “So fucking pretty.” He dragged his fingers out of you before pressing back into you again, building a slow pace that was driving you wild. “Are you going to come for me, baby?” He questioned as his thumb rubbed tight circles over your clit. 

“Fuck, yes.” You told him, biting down on your bottom lip as you tightened your hold on his shoulders. “Javi.” 

“Just let go, baby.” Javier urged, pressing a kiss to your stomach as he looked up at you. He twisted his fingers, pressing them directly against that sweet spot within you. That was all it took to set you off, his name tumbling from your lips as your body clenched around his fingers. “That’s it.” 

He dragged every second of pleasure he could from you, working his fingers in and out of you until you weren’t certain you could keep upright. Javier guided you back onto the sofa to straddle him. You curled your fingers around the back of his head, kissing him like your life depended upon it as he worked to get his pants open. 

You lifted up on your knees, reaching down to curl your fingers around his cock to hold him steady as you settled down onto him. “Oh.” You breathed out as he gripped at your hips to keep you seated atop him. You were still so sensitive from the orgasm he’d pulled from you, your inner walls clenching around him. 

Javier tangled his fingers in your hair, tightening it just enough to make the pain merge with the pleasure of being filled with him. “You feel so fucking good.” He whispered close to your ear as he kissed a path down your throat. He rolled his hips beneath you, holding you close to him. The movement kept him buried within you, the slow grind of his movements making you moan. 

“You really love me?” Javier breathed out against your lips and all you could do was grin back at him. 

You brushed your nose against his, laughing softly. “Yes, dumbass. I love you.” Pointedly you rolled your hips, smirking when he groaned in response. 

“Dumbass?” Javier grabbed at your ass, holding you steady as he thrust up into you. “Awfully rude for someone wanting me to fuck them.” 

You rolled your eyes. “Are you going to stop?”

“No.” 

“I thought so.” You grinned, brushing your fingers through his hair as you met his eyes. “But if you don’t start moving, I’m going to have to kill you.” 

Javi chuckled, slowly rolling his hips beneath you. There was nothing hasty about his movements, he took his time — drawing out the pleasure until you were both trembling messes. His thumb found your clit, stroking it until you shattered around him, coaxing him over the edge. You pressed your face into the crook of his neck, breathing heavily as you came down from your high, his cock softening within you. 

“Merry Christmas, baby.” Javier whispered, pressing a kiss to your temple as he cradled you against his chest. 

For a fleeting moment you wondered what next Christmas would be like. Would the photo album be filled up with photos of the three of you? Would you set the timer to pose with your baby in front of a Christmas or would Javier be there to take it? The future was cast in shadows of uncertainty. You knew what you wanted. You were willing to settle if you had to. You’d do what you had to do to protect your baby’s future, but you wanted Javier there beside you along the way.

“Merry Christmas, Javi.” You said as you pulled back to look at him. Leaning in you pressed a soft kiss to his lips, letting it linger. “I love you.” 

“I’m gonna need you to keep saying that this weekend.” He smirked. 

“If you’re lucky I might say it for a long time.” 

“Luck has rarely been on my side,” He mused, smoothing his hands along your side. “But I’m hoping it might be this time.” 

“Me too.”