#it will never make sense to me bc it literally doesn’t !
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3.
fic masterlist!
full masterlist!
taglist: @adelinesthoights @bellssforyou @halfp4stmidnight @avis-writeshq @carm1lla @sunghoonsgfreal @reirain @cherrypieyourface@aynfp @keldracula @kurroomii @chilichopsticks @shanchiikiss @starstrikeer @yzaelki @just-lilita @chiiibeaa @baby-bunnyxn @zarisluvr @xxpr3ttyk173rxx@albakugo @swoozleee
warnings: negative thoughts about self-image (i wish i could write more bc i'm excited for y'all to know about everything!!!!!!)
You don’t hear much from Tsukishima during the weekend, but you see him before you go to class on Monday. The conversation is short because he is in a rush about a presentation he has on the other side of campus so you just greet him as he goes.
The crisp November air hits your cheeks as you leave the apartment complex, breath curling into faint white wisps before vanishing into the cool morning. You tighten the scarf around your neck and start walking towards your first class of the day. The cold didn’t bother you at all—you loved that weather. The smell of damp earth and the faintest trace of chimney smoke as you walked next to one of your favourite cafeterias. Other students shuffled by, some hunched against the wind, complaining about the shitty weather or upcoming exams, others talking among themselves about their weekends, soft giggles as they recall something funny that happened on a bar.
“Oi!”
You turned to see Kageyama Tobio approaching you. He was wearing a big sweatshirt and a long coat, holding a volleyball in his hands. His breath was visible in the cold air as he ran to your side and you slowed your pace, knowing that, probably he wasn’t just calling to say hi.
“Going to class?”
”Uh…,” you mutter. “Yes. Do you have class around here?”
”Oh, no. Making my way to the gym.”
”Cool…” Kageyama eyed you up and down. “I should…”
”How did you and Tsukishima even happen?” Kageyama’s voice was laced with skepticism, but there was something else to his tone. “I mean, we didn’t know anything about you a week ago. Not even Yamaguchi knew you were talking.”
You smiled lightly, sensing that he was indeed trying to get something out of you. “It just did and Tsukki is a really private person, I guess.”
Kageyama scoffed, shifting his weight. “How long have you been together?”
“Since September.”
“You like him, huh’”
“I do.” It sounds a bit on the defensive side, so you just send a smile his way and hope he leaves.
“What’s his favourite food?”
You frown. “What’s the point of asking me this?”
Kageyama smirks. “Aren’t girlfriends, specially new girlfriends, supposed to know everything about their boyfriends?”
“You wouldn’t know, right?”
“What’s that?”
“Nothing. Tsukishima and I are taking it slow.”
“So, you’re not his girlfriend.”
“I am his girlfriend, but…” Kageyama laughs and you feel your blood boil at the sound. Is he trying to make fun of you?
“Sorry, I find it funny, really.”
“What, exactly?”
“Ever since I’ve known him, he’s been hit on by other women. In high-school, he was quite literally, the first option for a lot of girls but he never paid attention to them. Same at uni: lots of beautiful women approach him and he acts like he doesn’t care about dating. And then, out of nowhere, he’s seeing…you.” You freeze on your spot and grab the handle of your bag. You feel embarrassed, attacked, even though you shouldn’t because you are not even dating Tsukishima, but still, he’s attacking you. “I just thought Tsukishima would, you know… I think that having some fun before settling for the first girl he talks to is a bit… of a waste.”
Kageyama’s tone was blunt, meant to one at your pride.
”He’s a good-looking guy, tall, interesting… I don’t know. You know what I mean, right?”
You raise an eyebrow at him. What is he even trying to say? You know for a fact Tsukishima is all of those things but… is he saying something because you may not be any of that? You start to think about it, about the clothes you are wearing, about your hair, the makeup, all the negative thoughts about yourself you thought were deeply hidden after all the work you had to do on yourself to finally feel like yourself again… Just a few words from a complete stranger and they were back.
You feel like your eyes start to sting but you shake your head slowly, looking at the floor as your hand goes to grab the handle of your bag, trying not to make him aware of the effect his words are having on you.
”I… Of course.” You say. “You shouldn’t worry about him, weren’t you the one who told him to have some fun?” You look up at him, sending a smile his way. “We have a lot of fun together, but, if you’re that worried about him and his love life, maybe you should be the one taking him out on dates, right? You said it yourself: handsome, tall and interesting.”
Kageyama’s face twitched, scowl deepening.
”Anyway,” you waved at him. “I’ll let him know you’re looking out for him. Bye!” You turned, walking in a fast pace to your building.
“A waste.”
“The first girl he talks to.”
”Good-looking guy, tall, interesting… You know what I mean, right?”
He was just trying to get under you skin, you know that, but still, the comment stung. You weren’t like a supermodel and you probably didn’t have the best physique, you know that but… is that weird to see someone like Tsukishima with someone like… you?
You lie to Tsukishima when he texts you in the middle of the morning. He tells you that Tadashi has thought about inviting you and Yachi over for dinner but you lie to him and tell him you’re feeling a bit under the weather.
You say that you’re sorry for missing dinner and hopes that they have fun without you and you feel sick at the thought of doing what you promised you wouldn’t do again: hide in your room.
You lie to Yachi when she comes home from class, saying that Tadashi has told her you are feeling sick and you tell her your stomach is acting up. You lie when you tell her you are not hungry and that you prefer to stay at home.
You lie to her again and send a smile her way before she leaves the apartment (“We’ll be right next door if you need us, are you sure you don’t want to come? Are you crying?”).
The small apartment was quiet except for the occasional clink of chopsticks against ceramic dishes and the low hum of the heater working.
Yamaguchi, Tsukishima and Yachi sat around the low dining table, a simple dinner laid out between them: bowls of rice, miso soup and a plate of grilled alamon with vegetables in the middle.
Yamaguchi reached for the soy sauce, drizzling a bit over his salmon as he spoke.
“Maybe we should save a bit of food for (Y/N) if you want, Yachi.”
Yachi, sitting cross-legged next to him nodded. “That would be nice, thank you.”
Yamaguchi stared at Tsukishima as he picked up a vegetable.
“I saw Kageyama talking to her today.”
Tsukishima frowned, leaving his chopstick on the plate.
“Did you?”
“Yeah. It was close to the journalism building, I was grabbing a coffee from Shirato’s café.”
“Kageyama does not have classes over there.”
“I know, that’s why it was weird! And I don’t know, she seemed kinda off after, I don’t know, really. I don’t know her that well.”
Tsukishima clicked his tongue in annoyance and reached for his phone.
“what did kageyama say to you?”
“how do you know about it?”
“tadashi saw you talking to him. he’s not flirting with you, is he?”
“ew, no”
Tsukishima smiles softly.
“no need to worry, we just talked about how much we hate the other’s choice of drink”
Tsukishima sighs.
“okay, sorry, i didn’t mean to sound so… i don’t know, i didnt mean to overreact but he’s truly an idiot.”
Tsukishima sees the three dots pop in and out of the conversation but he types again.
“i don’t want you to feel uncomfortable.”
“ty tsukki.”
“how are u feeling?”
You don’t answer for the rest of the night.
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i love you royal trio (minus akechi)
#i was listening to the world we knew by frank sinatra while drawing this to inflict maximum emotional damage 😔#royal actually shot me fifty times in the chest and slaughtered my entire family#i’m actually inconsolable over the ending what the fuck do you mean akechi chooses to die of his own volition rather than be manipulated#god it’s just. his character actually makes me violent and insane. they’re going to drag me kicking and screaming to the psych ward#he never had an ounce of control over his life. not even once. he was CONSTANTLY being yanked around like a marionette#until he was disposed of as another pawn in shido’s plan#and then out of some cruel irony he was resurrected even though he did not want to be alive#for once in death he would have found peace—only for that to be taken from him too.#and bc he thinks he’s worthless and his life is so easily gambled away he doesn’t view it as a major dealbreaker when maruki brings it up#“do you really think something as trivial as my life should stand in the way of your decision?” yes you fucking asshole#what do you mean he’s literally fated to die in every timeline? definition of doomed by the narrative#there’s not a single version of his story that doesn’t end with him being slaughtered#GODDDDD he makes me violently ill i hate goro akechi so much he’s so fucking selfish HOW CAN YOU NOT SEE THAT THIS DEAL IS TEARING ME APART#i was so tempted to get the bad ending just so that he was alive ☹️#he looked so happy. he was surrounded by people who loved and treasured him.no shido. control over his life. the ability to choose his futu#TEARS IN MY EYES MARUKI WAS THE ONLY VILLAIN WHO WAS LOWKEY MAKING SENSE 😭😭😭😭😭#my toxic trait is that i think maruki was right all along 😔#ALSO SUMIRE AAUUGGHHHH 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭#the survivors guilt literally eating her alive until the point where she gaslighted herself into thinking she was her sister. insane.#royal was so good bro i’m so glad i endured 200 hours of hell just to play it#terrible terrible ending with everyone going their separate ways and ren ending up in juvie for months#akechi actually being dead in the good ending is so fucked up 😭😭 i thought there was some way maruki could bring him back regardless#not ren hallucinating him in the last cutscene too 😭😭😭😭 “i still see your shadows in my room” ahh ending#persona 5 royal#persona 5#ren amamiya#akira kurusu#sumire yoshizawa#goro akechi#lotus draws
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I genuinely love not having a crush like I’m not over here feeling physically sick over some mid guy being dry to me I’m literally chilling
#Spring semester of last year was so bad bc I was unironically into 3 guys at once and they were all#Being dry and cryptic to me#And then before that in 2022 I had my horrid situationship#I had a mini obsession arc in dec 2023 over someone but now there hasn’t been anyone since#And my palette is so cleansed#When a girl is like I miss having a crush I’m like you’re literally a masochist#There was very briefly a girl I thought I had a crush on when I realized I’m bicurious but#I haven’t put effort into talking to her bc the idea of pursuing anyone makes me wanna claw my eyes out#I’m pretty sure I ghosted her by like just not responding to her last messsge actually#Not on purpose but more so bc I realized I was feeling the same anxiety I felt whenever I had a crush so I was like#Yeah I’m dropping this for now#I’m also always the most present for my friends when I don’t have a crush so idk#Like I don’t wanna be consumed by anyone I just wanna chill#The solution to not having normal attraction to people is just to not be attracted to anyone at all#I fr cracked it#I always just crave the butterflies out of it and never an actual relationship anyway#But they’re so not worth it#Which is why I always get bored of guys who’re forthright like oh ok you actually WANT something…. U don’t wanna just have fun#Not for me#I think the guys I’m into and I typically diverge in the sense that neither of us wants a relationship but they just wanna fuck me#And I more so just want the butterflies experience / to playact couple for like a couple months but nothing too serious#Which is why it never works#Like it’s not that it doesn’t work bc either of us wants a relationship it’s more that what we want out of the situationship is different#So lame#Ok this was a lot but I literally came to this epiphany while writing these tags
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My exact reaction to milkvans interpretation of ST
Or
#byler#when they act like the airport kiss/hug is peak romance…#when Mike literally puts her gift (flowers) between them so they have to separate sooner bc of her squishing them…#and with us not even getting mikes reaction…#how romantic#then followed by Mike practically dropping his bag to hug Will only to cut it short and stare at him Will up and down…#with us getting to see mikes reaction to Will clear as day…#how platonic#when they say el’s favorite color is yellow#or that Mike never called Will over the phone but did call el…#that one is fascinating to me#bc imagine Mike calling the Byers to talk to el and not make any effort to talk to Will…#that would literally be mikes fault#bc what is Will supposed to do?? interrupt el and say ‘let me talk to Mike?’#EVEN IF that was the scenario#(we know it’s not bc byler was the only one that talked about phone calls in s4)#it would have been shitty of mike and el arguably to make a point to talk to each other#only to end it and never make a point to give the phone to Will so him and Mike could chat#so that whole argument just doesn’t make sense#not to mention#their excuse for why el has a shrine for Mike in her room#while mike has nothing in his space related to el in contrast#is apparently bc Mike having el related stuff in his house would risk her identity being known…#so which is it? can they talk on the phone or not 😭#bc both those arguments don’t work together 😭#it just starts to all contradict and not make sense basically
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i actually really need tao silently pining after me as well also miserable and sick over it.
#i think tao would be one of the worst with pining#just in the sense that she’d rather jump off a bridge than admit she’s been hopelessly in love with you for years#like fully plans to live and die with her feelings with you never knowing#except she shows her feelings and kinda reveals her hand on accident#if you’re looking#she kinda fusses over you or like#takes care of you………..does all these things she doesn’t do for others#makes sure you eat…buys your favorite candies or sweets for you….#calls you dumby#you have a problem in your life? she’s taking care of it#and you get all moony eyed and maybe even teary sometime like tao 🥺 thank you so much 🥺#and she goes tch. whatever. you’re just lucky i can handle it.#<- is literally dying inside at how cute you are and how much she loves you#she likes to ruffle your hair….knock you around a lil#you’ll be like aw tao did you get me my favorite candy? 🥺💗#and she’ll be like no.#i just got it bc i felt like it#<- is lying horrendously and 1000% got it for you#cielo rambles!
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fun fact all those people who talk about how type 4 hair and dealing with it sucks are right but in a nuanced way where it’s actually systemic racism’s fault and not anything about our hair itself making it uniquely shitty
#the adas speak#we’re not taught anything about our hair. not only that but we’re taught everything about our hair is bad#it’s messy and unprofessional and ghetto. especially with the milennial generation who were raised on relaxers and perms#they were taught from so young to be ashamed of their hair. we were taught that our hair is unmanagable#and never given the chance to learn. it wasn’t all of us but a fuck ton of us in the US just. don’t know shit#and like. when the only people we know who can do hair are braiders we pay#i don’t think that’s really the kind of relationship where you can ask them to teach you. there is usually a relationship there#but idk if it’s ‘we’re friends over clients. let me lose business for you’ close ykwim. at least not all the time#so you’re learning on youtube. hating it bc it doesn’t make sense#you’re grown. you should know how to do your hair by now. but you don’t.#you’ve got like. all the racism and antiblackness building up. and it feels like they’re right. but they’re not! no one taught you!#but you can’t learn! you don’t know who to ask. and it’s a cycle of trying and getting frustrated and giving up and feeling guilty#and presumably if you’re tenacious enough you figure it out eventually but until then it’s just all these negative feelings that build up#like. our hair is arguably some of the easiest to deal with when our ancestors came up with so many ways to style it#the fact that i can spend a few hours in a salon and barely touch my hair for 2+ months is actually the epitome of convenience#and that’s also true of natural hair. maybe like a month instead but who else can go without touching their hair for a fucking month#but we are/were told that it’s so unmanagable and difficult when if we’d ever been properly taught it would be a fucking cakewalk#now. on one hand i’m being dramatic and emotional bc the dozens of tutorials i watched weren’t detailed enough for my incompetent ass#but on the other hand i’m literally right and this is systemic racism in action#i mean tbh i probably wouldn’t have done my hair regardless bc i didn’t care about my appearance and also was getting child abused#but i’d have a fuck ton more people to teach me in person if not for racism now wouldn’t I? my point still stands
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wayment… i’m GLAD i don’t understand all that crazy shit ´- ٩(^ᗜ^ )و ´-
#like waaaaaiiitttt.#it will never make sense to me bc it literally doesn’t !#why torture myself trying to understand a million and a half ways#why have i wasted so much empathy & time & space &#like who cares…#the way these people live. is not how i am going to live.#when i want your results i’ll take your advice type beat#hoarders & enablers & abusive alcoholics & shopping addicts &#i just. do not want to associate or be a part of that#why would i literally care how any of them think.#family means nothing on its own#these people around me#past present & future#coworkers and old friends and neighbors and grandparents and cousins and#i don’t want to be like any of it.#i never needed them to like me or any of that. i just wanted to understand why they do what they do#and honestly i never will.#the way my trauma shaped me is just simply different than how it shaped others. and that’s okay#it is no better or worse. it is merely unintelligible to me#like what is happening in their heads. i can’t keep googling how codependents think and shit. i can’t care#it’s so crazy. like you are speaking a different language to me. it just sounds disappointing LMAO#but i pray for a door to appear#whenever you’re ready to open it.#and i pray for more doors to appear for me forever#i hope i continue to grow forever and ever.#i need to change the soil for now. not the seed#there’s always room for growth & i have accepted its forever#i just never want to understand the way some people think. i mean i am an inherently curious person..#but it’s just too baffling to actually fathom it#i can’t grasp the fathom
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no amount of “I’m literally them”s will ever communicate the sentence “I’m fictionkin” to other people. Kicks rocks
#lemon man talks#Frustrating!#I just realized saying that I’m literally this character will just make people think oh he relates and enjoys this character#And not oh this person is Actually this character#Because most people aren’t otherkin so obviously this wouldn’t be their conclusion#I’ll never directly express I’m fictionkin bc I’m Scared and I know most people would throw rocks at me and kill me for being weird#Like. Whatever#Sorta unrelated but I just realized several seemingly random habits of mine might stem from being fictionkin#Like muscle memory from the characters#I keep doing stuff that like. Was supposed to result in a thing but logically doesn’t because it’s not a thing that happens in this world#Sometimes they’re normal stuff actually but it’s still things that I do for seemingly no reason except now I know it’s because#The Character does it and since I’m them I’m doing it too in a context where it doesn’t make sense#Evil muscle memory#🌻 | fictionkin stuff
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heol
#⠀ᶻᶻ⠀turn it up!⠀#unrelated its ltr not even what i linked but chasing time - azealia.. Dontttt omg ts is so facking good who made that beat!!!!!!!!!!#ANW. if breakaway is minhui then this is yijun. mayb the single ver more than true romance ver actually.. it js sounds more raw#i rly wanna talk abt why he hates jaehee#bc i’ve yapped abt minhui and talked abt DY/JY sort-of parallels in replies somewhere i found it the other day#and ik the ‘he doesn’t fit’ is what's been written (in pieces + that yt rundown i think) but likee it goes deeper than that#im gnna struggle to put it into words properly but im talking to myself so i can not make sense as much as i want thanks#ok. so he goes on and on abt how jaehee ruined BS bec he ‘didn’t fit’ into the four that they were without him but. he’s lowk projecting#he joined JG in 2016 - jiyeol mai hyeonmin and KOHEN were all there before him. jy’s in ‘08 mi + kh in 2010 + hm 2011#they chucked their whole childhoods away for jg - and in reward they were meant to be jg’s first boygroup#they ltr would’ve debuted in 2013 if it wasn’t for hyojoo being like hey! this is kinda weird lol! a 17 yo two 15 yos + a 13 yo is weird!#yj was late as HELLLL 2the party. he wouldve been left as a trainee while JY MI KH HM debuted as 9ANTHER if it wasnt 4 The Kohen Mai Thing#aka they started messing around in like 2014 while jy pretended he wasnt abt to crash out and hm had to listen to jy trying not2 crash out#then it got real bad like august 2016 and all of a sudden they HATEDD eo they couldnt even b in the same room#(aka. kh wanted him mi wanted jy and said Lollll i hate u die)#all in all: kh kicked off debut team. spot opens up for yijun right as he enters the company. he’s not cut out for ts at all#he was lonely back home and now he’s lonely here and now apparently he’s in a debut team with 3 guys who know eo and he wants to die#hyeonmin like smiles at him like ONCE during practice and he latches on fastttt this leech 😭😭😭 tries to worm his way in via hm#spoiler! it only half works theres sand under his skin he hates it all he’s not meant for them he needs a gun#it gets better over the years and jy + mi sorting their shit out & cutting off kh completely makes yj feel wayy more secure#and then they debut even if it is after yoonhae’s literal death. and then jaehee comes in like Hiii i like to act and colour ^_^#HE WNATS TO DIEE ITS HIM ALL OVER AGAIN!!!!!!! cant even bear to look at him#like the walls are UP he’s not letting himself become kohen. and when jh tries to get close to min - ltr exactly like he did.......#ITS NEVER BEEN MORE BONSOVERRRR#so there. he’s mean and hates him and wants him dead for that. Yayyyy#kh has def said some nasttyyyyy shit to yj too ijbol like mind you he didnt leave jg until jy did! THIS YEAR!#the song. is abt himself. him to him in the mirror. to kohen. to jaehee. he’s mad at shit that’s never happened and he’s never gonna stop#the ‘why did you fall for me’ though.. that’s him to min like#he feels like he’s conned him into it - bec the first couple months he only rly was around him to try and get into the inner circle#and then he fell in Lol. Gay
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GWUH i love when comments tell me how i might have prolonged certain aspects of my fic but then reassure me it Gets Better to read (very important to meeeee).. thank u to user swirling wind of repetition ur comment made my DAY!!!!! (crying)
UGHHELDEWOSKPENEPEJDPSKEKDKE SOMEONE TOOK THE TIME TO WRITE ALL OF THIS IM SICKKKK IM SO TOUCHED
#egg boils#comments#<- was that my tag#UGHHHHH THIS MAKES ME SO HAPPY.#I ALSO GOT MORE COMMENTS AFTER THIS AND I. WE FRUCKINB CRODEEEE#FAVE#save#also smth abt the angst is that it was literally the basis of the fic bc i wanted hoshina to be comforting her each time and i know his own#thoughts must’ve been so frustrating to read MY BAD REALLY like what is ur problem girl but also#<- thinking abt it i did make hoshina confess First Verbally which is woah. in its own sense bc all this while he would only initiate to#comfort or help his captain…. but when he doesn’t have that excuse of reaching out anymore n she’s the one who takes care of him instead 🤔#i guess that also helps him gain a bit more confidence and see where he truly stands beside her#like yeah flowers r cute and all but the confirmation she wants him and will stay by his side too.. (something she said previously and Then#proceeded to do so when she found him in the dojo) WHICH BTW. she figured out smth was wrong w the text messages but never got the chance to#find out properly bc she’d always miss the timing. girl who’s been staying on base recently and KNOWS where hoshina wld go when he can’t#sleep but never catches him bc she’s either too late or he never shows up (choosing to lie awake in bed instead)#ARGHHHHHH MY HSMN#hoshina afraid to take the first step but he does it anyway DOES IT ANYWAY BECSUSE HE WONT LIVE FOREVER AND i think with the raid on#tachikawa base and other significant deaths it gets a lot more Obvious
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the thing abt the pain my scoliosis/kyphosis causes me (mostly left side of my ribcage, then left side of my back, then left shoulder, then it slowly starts spreading to the right side + my hip, the more physical anything apart from lying i do the worse it gets) is that it started and worsened so slowly that i just. didn’t realise it. now it’s been a normal part of my life for a few years and. i hardly notice it. i hardly notice that half of my body aches. it’s normal. now that my knees hurt i’m truly aware of it for the first time in months, and— that’s not normal. it shouldn’t be normal that my ribcage & back hurt every day just because i go to school. what the hell. what the fucking hell.
#sorry for the chronic pain posting i am going through a realisation#i had zero motivation for physio plus it didn’t do shit so i quit after 2 years n told everyone it doesn’t hurt anyway#which was already a lie back then but it’s been getting worse.#fuuuuckk#this is Not Normal#why didn’t i realise that’s so stupid#i’m walking around hiding my foot pain bc ingrown toenail okay makes sense. i’ve got a doctor’s appointment. i can deal with it until then#THAT is normal. it is however NOT normal that my ribcage and my back hurt every day and have been hurting every day for like. 5 years#and i have not done anything ???#but like what am i supposed to do#i only stopped physio 2 years ago and it never did shit. doctors say it’s not bad enough for a corset or surgery. imo it’s not bad enough+#for pain meds. so what the fuck do i even do#especially bc ik physio is useless#also funny thing sometimes the pain in my ribcage gets so bad that breathing literally feels like getting stabbed for like a minute#then everything’s fine again. no clue why that happens but yeah it. does like once every few weeks to months idk#.....that is so not normal WHAT why is this normal to me ?????#scoliosis#kyphosis#chronic pain#☆—`elys rambles
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lmao
#saw someone saying people give JL the characteristics of LJY in order to ship zhuiling and#??????#that doesn’t make any sense to me because I’ve never read any zhuiling fics where either of them are OOC or switched characteristics#because you really don’t need to in order for zhuiling to work???#my dude#JL and LSZ are canonically close friends /because/ of how well their personalities get along with each other#like it’s literally canon that JL ends up being close to LSZ because of LSZ being so patient and supportive with him#idk what else to tell you#except sorry you hate a fictional ship so much that you gotta fabricate reasons to dislike it??#what I usually do if I don’t like a certain thing in a fandom#is ignore it and go on with my life bc it’s not that serious#but go off I guess lmfAO#anyway#delete later#also reminder that I’m not going to argue with you over this so don’t bother#apple babble 🍎#since the headcanon of them being related has been debunked over and over#i feel like people just grasp at straws to shit on zhuiling specifically and it’s so wild like#how do you never get tired of being so crusty 💀
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Preventing myself from freaking tf out by remembering that even my hormones don’t want to be in my body even my body is trying to prove that it’s Wrong and it’s funny that everything agrees with me except my mom and the government
#boyfriend I’m ok I promise lol#context for my dear friends here on Tumblr I got diagnosed (?) with a complex ovarian cyst today#it hurts and I’m upset about it because it’s Just Another Reminder that this body is female!!!#I used to say ‘yea it may not be the body I’m supposed to have but at least it works just fine’#no I have chronic issues with synthesizing hormones or something#like this body knows the hormones and shit are wrong and keeps rejecting it but that doesn’t Help any#and being on testosterone will actually probably be very helpful to my literal health y’know#because otherwise I’d have to be on bc my whole life to prevent unnecessary pain and shit#and I’ve already lived that it caused Other issues lmao (irregular menstruation even when on the pill blood clot risk No period for >6-#-months sometimes etc.) so testosterone will. be very healthy for me to be on once I get there.#but before I start now I have to figure out so many Things and my hormone levels will have to be So totally tested#which was gonna be needed anyways it’s just gonna be annoying#and I would be so ok with just having a hysterectomy (partial or complete) and taking gahrt being done with it#but NO no of course not. never would it be that easy. my MOM-#it’s fine like of course she doesn’t want her 18 year old unmarried childless daughter to have a hysterectomy that makes sense#doctors would agree with her and they’d be Not Incorrect#but I don’t want or need bio kids I’ll end up getting a hysterectomy anyways#but I had to explain Every Little Bit of the surgeries used for ovarian cysts they’re all so easy (like laproscopies and such)#it’s just tedious that she doesn’t know how to do research so it’s All on me to explain it but she also thinks I’m an idiot#like girl pick a struggle#either listen to me or don’t make me do your research#I’m gonna explode I’m fine. I’m gonna take a shower and then write an essay and apply to beta-reading jobs and go to sleep#speaking of. if anyone knows anyone who’s hiring beta-readers uhh give them my tumblr let them Hime#*hmu#I would love to be paid extra for reading and commenting on books lmao#especially if I’m gonna be paying my own hrt without my insurance (which is paid by my mom) then. well.#my $12.50 an hour for 8-12 hours a week job isn’t gonna cut it
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#ignore me I’m just venting here bc I have nowhere else to vent#but idk what’s wrong with me#these days#every little thing seems to make me have an emotional meltdown#like every tiny thing sets me off#I’ve always kind of been like this but never this bad#and I had gotten so much better these past one or two years#but this month especially I’m just lashing out and crying and screamign at everything and everyone#over the smallest things#and if one little tiny thing doesn’t go my way I have a meltdown#like in the sense that if I have a certain order of doing things#and something gets messed up or affects the order#i literally break down#and it’s insane bc I’m 23 years old#and then I need to have someone reassuring me#and I just don’t know what’s wrong with me#like I can literally feel the emotions coming on and yet I can’t stop myself from lashing out#and then I regret it so much#by lashing out I mean I start screaming and having a meltdown btw in case y’all thought I’m out here attacked people physically 😭😂#which obv I’m not#but I’ve always low-key prided myself in being able to self reflect and realise my own flaws and when I’ve done something wrong#and this is an ongoing problem with me and idk what’s up#at first I thought it was my period but this is continuous even when I’m not on my period#like idk what’s wrong with me#I’ll worry about something and I’ll stress over it and cry about it like I’m having some sort of breakdown#and if I told you what I was stressing over y’all would laugh and be like wtf who stresses over that#WHICH IS TRUE#but I feel so overwhelmed and like I’m this close to just losing it#and by losing it idk what I mean… like literally just feel like screaming and screaming#like my emotions are all over the place
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my coworker who closes most of the week is so lazy i cannot stand it
#they literally NEVER mop the floor and they do a very fast bad sweep job too and the floors always look like SHIT#and then they also just never check the dish bucket so plates stay in there with food on them for DAYS until me or our manager finds it#and then like a million fucking other small things it’s literally so aggravating#like hey girlypop maybe do your job instead of doing less than the bare minimum and trying to get out as fast as you possibly can !!!!#just bc we CLOSE at 4/5 doesn’t mean you’ll be out at that time and you also shouldn’t be getting out before twenty minutes after tbh bc#there is Literally No Way to do everything before that time it doesn’t matter !!!! i closed for FOUR YEARS i Know how long shit takes 😒#like how come i’m always here 20mins to and HOUR after we close when i close but they get out way before then!!!!????#makes no sense stop being fucking lazy you’re about to be 20 years old and you literally don’t even Try ??????#this is a SMALL BUSINESS!!!!!!!! you can’t fucking slack like that bc there’s not a bunch of people to do it for you if you can’t/don’t.#we have THREE employees. we can tell Who slacks and it’s way more annoying to the other two people you decide to fuck over like ????????#if this was fucking fast food then Sure but it isn’t even Close there is No reason to be this awful at your job when i know you did more st#your other job before here so
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i keep finding Lore Discrepancies and i’m like. boy i hope they explain this one, but judging from the number of mistakes the game has already made, idk if they’re ever going to address it!
#the gith artifact teleports but uhh dw about it. it just likes you :) the quest log records things that never happened:)#not to keep being cinemasins but literally all i can focus on are the holes#how is volo still alive. why is jahiera a harper again#he was in the original games ~120 years ago and he’s human right#i mean. so was elminster who i think is also human but. wizard privilege. i can accept that he’s immortal#volo. researching one of his little stories. stumbles onto the secret of immortality#his page on the bg3 wiki doesn’t even address it lmao#tbh that doesn’t bother me as much. you can handwave that one. but#i JUST met jahiera and she just gave a flippant ‘oh the stories they told aren’t all true’#which is probably the closest i’m gonna get to an answer lol. but time will tell#it’s just very weird if their canon is Heroic Bhaalspawn Route bc imo. following that track for her personal quest means she leaves#if you’re a dick she’ll leave your party and rejoin the harpers but otherwise#they’re meant to be unreasonable bc the harpers that catch up with you don’t care about what you’ve done. just that you’re bhaalspawn#so if you’re playing a good guy. she will side with you??#and leave the harpers???#got me thinking that maybe i never finished that quest and there’s a secret ending where everyone is cool actually :)#tbh that kind of. sucks lol. just putting characters in for the cameo rather than. where it makes sense#i’ve heard they explain how minsc is still alive and i can’t WAIT to see that one#mine#baldur's gate
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