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yn-dreamlife · 4 years ago

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My Hero

Mirio Togata x reader

Quirk: emotions; you can feel others emotions and project your own onto others around you, in dire situations you can even shut your own emotions off.

Description: Sir Nighteyes death not only changed Mirio but also your relationship, but are you just being oblivious or did he really mean what he said that day?

Warnings: Fluff, low-key angst, cuteness, nicknames

I sighed as I looked at the man in-front of me. The man I loved, once so happy and full of light and now... faded. He smiled still of course but, it was dimmer and more often than not fake. Im sure others have noticed but none of them like I have, how could they? I’m his girlfri- his EX girlfriend. A thought the still broke my heart.

But that didn’t mater any longer, he was still my friend, just like he promised. He was always there and gave me the space I needed after the break up. But of course I would never allow that for more than a day at most, he had just lost Sir Nighteye, the man he looked up to the man who was like a father to him, wether he told me or not doesn't matter. I knew that was true, that that was how he felt about him.

And now I watch him talk down to himself saying so many horrible untrue things. “Lemillion? Ha you could barely save one girl, you didn’t deserve your quirk its good it was taken away-”

“Togata-san!” I called out as he hadn't answered me previously calling him. His head quickly snapped up to me as he wiped his tears. I shook my head cupping his cheek. “Why do you speak so lowly of yourself?”

“Because I deserve it! I’m not a hero, I was never going to be! I let Eri go, it’s my fault that Sir is dead!” He cried moving my hand away from his face harshly.

I let it drop to my side limply as I activated my quirk. Letting the calm peace I always felt around him seep into him. “Mirio-san you know that isn't true.”

“But how can I be a hero without a quirk?!” He said frustrated but he slowly calmed down.

“You already are.” I whispered and he scoffed softly. “You are Mirio-san, to so many people. But most importantly your m- I mean your her hero.”

He looked up at me then, “hers?”

I smiled as I held my hand out to the side gesturing to the person he couldn't see because she was hidden by a wall. “Eri-chan~” I cooed softly to the girl.

She walked out quietly and grabbed my hand I could feel her calm aura as she took my hand which pleased me, I’m glad Mirios earlier distress didn’t upset her. But I made sure to use my quirk once again to radiate the happiness I felt by her being here outwards into the two people around me.

“Hello” she said softly.

“Eri-chan!” Mirio said happily and moved and pulled the small girl into a hug, a gesture she had become more adjusted to the longer she was around people like me and him. She was still working on smiling and embracing others back but we slowly got there.

It took a lot of work from all parties. “But I thought Aizawa-sensei said she had to-” he began but I stoped him.

“ah ah ah none of that, Eri-chan is perfectly fine. Besides with me around everything is fine! you forget you may be part of the top three but I’m the number four student in our school for a reason!” I said smiling as I did my signature two finger salute making sure to add a small flourish of my wrist knowing it made Eri feel happier even if she still couldn't express it.

A quirk of my own quirk, it pays of being able to feel her emotions as well as to radiate my own.

“Our quirks are compatible, hers being largely tied to her emotions and mine being well, emotions.” I said shrugging with a smile. I saw the tension leave his shoulders, just like the moment she stepped out from behind the wall. I even thought maybe there was a hint of light back in his eyes... just maybe.

“So I got special permission from the hospital and the school so I have the day off to take her out and I want you to come with! Nothing to out there like I know you usually like, but Tamaki did give me a few great ideas!” I said beaming at him glad I could come up with a plan.

Mirio smiled then and we set off to go about our fun outing with Eri. We first took her to a small market and her eyes absolutely glowed when we found the fruit stand, I never thought I would see someone get so happy over an apple.

So I quickly bought her one and it was worth every last scent once I bought her a whole bag just to see that smile, money wasn't always the easiest thing to come by for my family but I knew if she asked I would gladly buy her the world.

As we where walking through the little market I was happy to see my thoughts where correct. It was mostly empty due to it being the middle of a Wednesday morning. There was a slight chill but that changed once Mirio placed his scarf around me.

“Here, I can see your shivering.” He said smiling at me his blue eyes sparkling closer to what they used to.

My cheeks burned red but I shook it off, “t-thank you.” I stuttered. As we continued walking I saw the Ramen shop me, him and the other members of the top three used to go to. Instantly I had an idea.

“Eri-chan,” I said smiling down at the girl who's eyes practically glowed in wonder at the market. She looked up at me waiting for me to continue “Have you ever had Ramen?”

At the mention of his favorite food Mirio perked up, “Ramen? Oooo I love Ramen!” He said happily.

Eri shook her head, “No but I would like to try it if Lemillion likes it.” she said and I smiled at her as I grabbed her hand as well as Mirios out of habit. But as if I had been burned I quickly ripped my hand away from him.

“S-sorry.” I stuttered quickly about to go into a fit of apologies, an old habbit I had broken thanks to our relationship but had fallen back into since it had ended.

“No need, its alright.” He said grabbing my hand, I smiled widely. We went into the Ramen shop ordering all of our food, Eri getting the same thing as me but Mirio and her ended up sharing quite a bit anyways, it was safe to say this food would be a new favorite for her.

And after a long day walking around secluded parts of our city it was time to return home. You three walked back to UA without thinking, after all Mirio and you had called it home the past few months but he faltered upon entering.

“Oh,” he let out a slightly nervous chuckle, “guess I actually go back to my own house huh?” I looked down sadly not ready for the day to end.

I came up with an idea and quickly smiled, “Well im sure the rest of the big three would love to see you!”

The thought of his best friends caused him to smile as well, “Yeah you’re right! I can visit them!” he said sounding slightly shocked.

“You always sound so shocked when I come up with a good plan” I said as I bumped his arm playfully as I smiled.

Out of habit he pinched my cheeks, “Aw can't help it sunshine you're always surprising me!” I basked in the familiarity of the intimate actions but it was quickly ruined as he snatched his hand away. “I-i’m sorry y/l/n-san!” He said quickly bowing I went to reassure him but before I knew it he had hugged Eri said his goodbyes and took off running.

I sighed willing the tears in my eyes away knowing I needed to keep composure for Eri. You smile at her, and it is only tinted with sadness, as you hold a hand out to her. She takes it in her smaller one and squeezes it gently. Its a moment or two of silent walking before she shockingly speaks up first.

“Do you love Lemillion?” She asks softly you look at her shocked, how did she know about that? Of course you all had expressed your love to her but no child should truly be able to understand it enough to pick it up from people who don't blatantly show it.

You wanted to hide it and say no but you never lied to her before so you wouldn't start now, you answered with a simple yes.

“Then why don't you guys kiss and hold hands all the time?” She asks softly.

“well because we-we can't anymore.” You stutter shyly, shocked she even knew of such actions. But you scolded yourself reminding you she was quiet, not dumb.

She seemed greatly confused by your answer, “But why not?”

“Well you see thats a thing couples do and Mirio-chan and I are no longer together romantically.” You stated trying to simplify it.

“Why?” She asks again. Oh ever the child with her curiosity. But this stopped you, you paused mid step and just stood thinking.

Why in-fact did you two break up? You remember driving at the hospital after the attack to find Mirio alone in his room crying, you had heard about his quirk and Sir Nighteyes death so you quickly ran to him pulling him into a tight hug.

“I’m so sorry m-” but he cut you off.

“Sunsh-” he paused “y/n, we need to talk.” Instant dread filled your stomach. Why would he use your first name? Had something happened and the doctors and Mr. Aizawa didnt inform you about?

“O-okay Mirio, you know I’ll listen.” He tried to speak but closed his mouth, repeating this process several times. “It’s okay take your time.” You cupped his cheek but he shook his head removing your hand as his eyes turned steely and determined.

“I’m breaking up with you.” He said seriously.

“W-what?” The word left as noting but a whimper, “Mirio thats not funny stop joking around.” but I felt it, the determination, the coldness. Things I had never felt aimed my way from him.

“I’m serious. I’m breaking up with you, we are no longer dating we will now be friends, nothing more.” You wanted to protest to scream at him to stop this nonsesne to say it was just the grief but you didnt. You nodded your head doing the thing you hated most.

You shut down your emotions, a power only you had. But this was the only way you could be near him without breaking. “No y/n I need you to leave. I don't want you shutting yourself down.” He spoke as I tried to sit down on the chair.

I stood up then looking to the door, “fine... but im going back tomorrow and theres nothing you can do to stop me, you're my friend,” you looked at him then allowing the smallest emotion through a cracked smile, “I’m not leaving you alone in this.” He nodded and with that you left. You weren't looking and bumped into something.

Looking up you say your favorite loud yellow haired teacher as well as your favorite much quieter black haired teacher.

“Hey hey little listener whats going on?” Instantly you collapsed into him and broke down sobbing, Mr Aizawa removing your quirk so his overly emotional friend didn't get sucked down into the void of your despair with you. After a moment or so he left to go and visit Mirio knowing what the source of your pain was thought the sobbed attempt at an explanation you gave to Present Mic.

You then looked back to Eri and answered truthfully. “I dont know.” I whispered, “I suppose because he no longer felt the same way he did for me before, he had been though a lot of grief and pain its only natural for feelings to change.” I said to her as I tried to keep walking but now she stopped.

“But Lemillion loves you too why would you not be?” You chuckle at her and before you can dismiss her she continues. “he looks at you like Uravity looks at Deku.” At this I stopped walking again, It was very clear the feelings those two held for each other, could she be telling the truth?

“She's right you know?” I hear a deep voice behind me and jump as I throw a punch out behind me.”Woah!” I now realize the man holding my fist is Mr. Aizawa and I immdeatly apologize but his chuckles stops me. “You’re good kid, almost got me and that doesn't happen very often.” he paused “But she is right he does still care for you. While you where crying with Mic I went to him he was... in less than ideal shape.”

“Sensei with all due respect, of course he wasn't in good shape he just lost a father figure and his quirk.” I said as I now picked up Eri to calm her down from my sudden outburst of movement. She cuddled into my neck with a soft hum.

“And he lost his biggest support system. I know you've noticed how he’s been and unlike most I have as well, believe it or not I observe quite a few things. Like how your grades are slightly slipping and you’ve been staying up later and later and how you’ve been zoning out in class.”

I stared at him mouth agape, “H-how?”

“I care y/l/n. I care about all my students wether I admit it or not.” he paused “repeat that to anyone and they'll call you crazy.” I nodded my head smiling and then slowly realized everything he said.

“He loves me.” I muttered to myself. “He loves me!” I said louder. Eri looked at me and I saw a small smile on her face.

“yes he does.”

“I-I have to go!” I said frantically. Eri leaned forward moving into Mr. Aizawas arms.

“Hurry up now. He needs you,” I ran off not even worried about Eri knowing she was in good hands with Mr. Aizawa. “Now more than ever.” Aizawa whispered as he watched her run off thanking him.

Bonus of this scene:

“come on Eri ill take you back.”

“Thank you dad.”

“... you’re welcome.”

*brushes away tears of happiness from cuteness* Anywho back to the story ~Author-chan (no one ever calls me that :( )

As I ran towards the dormitories tears welled in my eyes. I was still so confused and still hurt, why did he leave me?

“Togata-san!” I yelled as I got closer, in my distress moving instantly to his surname. “Mirio-san!” I yelled again when I got no response. I now could see him talking to my other two best friends but I didnt care as I continued to run.

“Mirio!” I yelled. I now saw him spin around and begin sprinting towards me.

“Y/n?! Y/n whats wrong? Are you hurt?!” He asks frantically as he takes my face into his hands turning it each way. I nod my head. “Who hurt you?” He practically grows out.

“Y-you.” I whimper wrapping my arms around him. I feel him tense.

“M-me?” I nod my head. “Wha-what did I do?” He asks pulling away and wiping my tears.

“Y-you left me.” I cried and his face dropped again. “Why? Why did you leave me? Did you not think I would be good for you anymore? Did I do something wrong?” He continues trying to wipe my tears before stopping and giving up.

“I-I thought you deserved someone better, someone with a quirk like Tamaki.” He whispers looking down, “I thought you wouldn't like me anymore because I cant protect you.”

“Mirio you idiot I haven't liked you for years.” I whispered but he didnt look shocked because he could feel what I was about to say it seeped out of every pore of my body, “I’ve always loved you.” I whisper.

“But you loved me when I was Lemillion!” He said quickly and I shook my head.

“No I didn’t, I loved you as Mirio Togata, and then as Lemillion. And you always forget this,” I whisper I pull his head down placing his forehead on my own, “You might not be a hero but you’ve always been mine, just you Mirio. Not Lemillion, just you.”

“y/n I know I hurt you and I don't deserve it but please,” he cupped my cheeks pinching them slightly “please be my sunshine again.”

I laughed showing him a bright smile “You act like you had a choice.” And with that I pulled him into a kiss enjoying the feeling I had been missing these past few weeks.

“I love you.” He whispered against my lips.

“And I love you.”

#mha #mha x reader #big three #mha mirio togata #Mirio #Mirio x reader #Mirio togata x reader #Lemillion #Pro-hero #angst #fluff #mha angst #mha fluff #mirio fluff #mirio togata #togata mirio x reader #togata mirio

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cthomashoodstory · 4 years ago

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Best Years but Not in the Same Way (12)

Calum Hood x Reader (Saara Palvin)

Previous Part

Guys I’m sorry if I’m not good at describing a situation in this story.

Calum is in a crisis for nicknaming Saara. He didn’t know whether called her Saara, B, or baby or love or hun because they’re not dating yet.

Masterlist

“Hey are you coming to my house today?” He asked while you were on the phone with him. Today, after Christmas day you’ve spent in your mom’s house, you decided to stay over in Calum’s house until new year.

“Yeah yeah, I’m preparing my stuffs now. Are you sure you want me to stay there?” You asked him while put your clothes to your suitcase.

“Of course i am, besides Dukes need his both parents.” He chuckled. “You want me to pick you up? I’m at a supermarket now, Duke is stay at home.”

You closed your suitcase and put it on the floor. “No I’m good I’m just gonna order an uber because i want to meet Duke so bad. See you there Cali.” You hung up the phone and you went to lobby to catch your Uber.

After an hour on the way, you finally arrived at Calum’s house. You opened the door with a key he gave a month ago after both of you confessed about what you two felt to each other.

You got inside and you were welcomed by Duke, he was barking and scratching your jeans. You lifted him and you carried him in your left arm. “Hi baby Duke how are you?” You kissed him multiple times until you saw Mali, Calum’s sister.

“Hey sister.” She greeted you. You put Duke down to the floor and she hugged you. She looked so happy when she saw your presence. She pulled the hug and she looked at you. “I miss you so much!”

You honestly didn’t know how to react. You met her years ago in 2014, and then you never contacted her and she must have known that you were hurted her brother and unfriended him but she’s really sweet to you? This is so unreal.

“Yeah i missed you too, we haven’t seen each other for... three years i guess?” She and you walked together to the dining room. “How’s your live in London?” You asked her that question because it’s the only news you knew about her.

“London’s great. What about you? I heard you work with Calum and his band?”

You nodded and you sat on the chair. “Yeah, we worked together for their new album and it’s been thrilling experience for me since they’re all my friends.” You tried to laughed and so did she.

Duke is jumped to your lap and he slept on it. After a while talking with Mali, Calum came home with groceries and Duke is came to him. “Hey bab... Saara.” You slightly smiled when he almost called you baby instead your name because Mali is here.

“I forgot to tell you Mali is here.” He put the groceries out of his hands. “Actually she wanted to surprise you, so i didn’t tell you.”

Mali was just grinned to you. “Alright I’m going to make a lunch, you go wherever you are do whatever you love birds wants to do bye.” She went to the kitchen unloading the groceries while you and Calum was stood there didn’t know what to do.

“What should we do?” You asked him nervously. Nervously because Mali is in the same place with you and Calum. You really didn’t know how to act since she’s his sister and you’ve never experienced this before. And also you and Calum are still ‘friends’.

You followed him to his music room. “Let’s do another guitar lesson.” You walked in to the room with him and closed the door.

“How’s your parents doing?” You asked him to distracted him so you didn’t have to learn guitar because you weren’t in the mood.

“They’re doing great in Australia, and sometimes they asked about you.” He held his bass and tried to play it. “Specifically my mom. She really curious about you and she wanted to meet you but i told her to wait a bit longer because we’re kinda in a process of something .” His eyes were looking over you. It’s like he waited for your responded but you didnt gave him anything. “How’s your parents doing?”

You nodded at first. “My mom is doing great, I think. I mean i enjoyed Christmas with my half sisters but thats it. Less interaction between me and her. We barely seen each other’s eyes. That was so fucked up.” “Hey about Mali, I’m kinda scared of her, you know? You two are supposed to spending time together, without me interrupted you guys. I feel so bad for being in this house being a third wheel.”

He laughed. “The only third wheel is her, not you.” “But seriously she really wanted you to stay with us. I don’t know what’s going on but i think she’s just wants to know you better.”

You smiled to him. You were sat in the floor and lean on the wall. “Yeah i hope.”

“C’mon Duke’s mommy!” Calum yelled at you for being a slow walker. You were tired for hiking with him.

Then he pull out his phone and tried to picture you. “Seriously?” You glanced at him. He was already on the top with Duke and they waiting for you to reach the top.

Mali wasn’t join you three because she had stuffs to do with her pals in LA and she didn’t want to interfere your intimate moment with Calum sjsjsj.

When you finally reach the top, Calum cheered you. “Nice, Miss B.”

You just nodded and tried to catch your breath. “Damn, I’m so tired. But lemme take pictures of you and my baby.” You took his phone and took their picture. And you saw the picture he took of you. “It’s so unfair. I took nice pictures of you, but you took picture of me like this? You’re so annoying.”

“Hahaha i love you too.” He winked at you and he hugged you. You felt so comfortable being around with him and you really hope your heart will heal faster so you could be with him.

To be continued

Next Part

#calum hood #calum thomas hood #calum hood imagine #calum hood fanfic #calum hood x reader #calum imagine #calum fanfic #calum fanfiction #calum fic #calum 5 seconds of summer #calum 5sos #5 seconds of summer #5sos #5sos imagine #ashton irwin #michael clifford #luke hemmings

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insidetheacademy · 5 years ago

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Say You Love Me || iii

pairings: peter parker x fem!reader

summary: reader and peter went out and had fun times!

warnings: insecure reader? flUFFFS, explicit language (a bit)

gif credit: tomholandd

part i part ii part iii part iv part v

your back slides down on apartment door, your face were red. you were feeling happy but you also felt mad at Peter. it was a bit inconsiderate of him to just waltz back into your life as if nothing happened between the two of you but at the same time you couldn’t help but be happy that you got your best friend back.

you took out your phone from your bag to call MJ. ring... ring... ring... “hello?” MJ greets, you said “hey, i think i just made the biggest mistake of my life,” you stand up from your position to sit on a more comfortable spot. “what did you do, y/!?” MJ asked in a very concerned voice.

you explained everything to her, “i don’t think my input would be valid, honestly, but i do think that you should set some sort of boundaries between the two of you so the same thing wouldnt happened again,” MJ advices. to be fair, she was right, when you told her about how Peter rejected you, she called Peter a dickhead and she was angrier at it than you were.

what you need to do is set some boundaries. of course you want everything to be normal back but if it meant getting your heart break for the second time, is it even worth it?– you thanked MJ for the advice and ended the call.

you laid out on your couch just thinking about Peter. it’s not that you still like Peter. well, a bit. but he hasnt crossed your mind since today at that café. you were doing perfectly fine. but the thought of him suddenly liking you back is also a possibility.

ugh, look at me, you groaned to yourself. how pathetic could you be? you have everything that you ever wanted in this whole world. your own studio apartment thats filled with your art equipments and not to mention a bunch of your arts are still at the 3 months long exhibition. you ccouldn’t be more happy. you just dont get how you feel like you need someone to make you even happier?

the thought of not being so lonely sounds amazing but you weren’t sure you were ready for that commitment again.

*･゜ﾟ･*:.｡..｡.:*･'(*ﾟ▽ﾟ*)'･*:.｡. .｡.:*･゜ﾟ･*

it was officially the day of the meet up. the “i’m getting back with my friend after i screwed everything up” meet up. you were kinda mad at yourself for promising to meet up with him. you were so nervous, you swore that your fingers are literally trembling from the fear of what’s going to happen.

you walked into the shower and try to give yourself some pep talks. practice some conversation stater or conversation fillers that you may or may not have. you wiped the fog from your mirror and take a good look at yourself. this is it, y/n, you can still cancel on him but if you do cancel on him, you’re going to look like a huge asshole, you took a deep breath and decided to put on your best face.

you picked out a leather jacket with a black top and pair it with some denim washed jeans. you put on some makeup because let’s be honest, you look kinda dead due to you not being able to sleep peacefully for the last few nights. it’s not a surprise on the reason why you couldn’t sleep. putting on a last touch your face, you put down your lipstick and look at yourself, not too bad, time to show Peter what he lost.

your phone rings without looking at the caller id, you picked it up, “hello?” you said, to which you then heard a familiar voice, “hey y/n! i’m waiting by the stairs of your apartment!” you were shocked that he still had your number. sure, six months wasn’t that long but it was long enough for you to forget some things about him– “oh! i’ll be right down there. just a sec, Pete.” you said.

you opened the front door of your apartment building to see him in his black and yellow jacket. “woah, someone’s looking cute as ever,” after you blushed at his comment, you suddenly reminded yourself that he was only messing around. you tried to not make it awkward by complimenting him too, “you don’t look half as bad as you used to, Parker” you smirked whilst looking up and down at him. he throws his hand in a “aw stop it you” gesture.

“what are we gonna do today, Pete?” you looked at his face, awaiting for his answer, “what? why me? you were the one who set this up!” he said in confusion, you laughed at him and said “nah, i’m just messing with you, Parker. we’re going to the art exhibition” you then jokingly added “so i can brag to you about how i’m doing much better in life than you will ever be,” he scoffed at you “psh, have you tried saving the planet from aliens?”

ah, yes, you remembered when you guys blipped from the world. it was a crazy experience, though it was pretty upsetting that we had lost one of the greatest superhero, Iron Man— you giggled at his remarked. once the two of you arrived at the exhibition, the both of you headed inside and straight to where your paintings are held.

you looked up brightly to your own paintings. stil couldn’t believe that a small girl like you could make it out here. you noticed Peter started taking up on the details too, especially the painting where’s theres a boy and girl who looks just like the two of you. he pointed at that one and asked, “what’s that painting about?”

it was a girl lying down on the boy’s lap while he’s feeding her grapes. it looks so elegant and you have to say it’s one of your best paintings. you loved it because it reminded the time when you went through a similar situation with him. just lazing around on the couch feeding each other snacks while reading books and listening to songs.

“well, they’re together which is obvious, i guess. lying on the couch with your significant other while doing something is such an intimate moment, in my opinion. you get to sit and talk about your day, your future and anything. i feel as if the world is small whenever i’m doing that,” you explained to Pete, you noticed that he looks at you throughout your explanation.

you grabbed his hand to lead you to the other paintings by other painters. you pointed at the scribblish one which you can’t quite describe what it was. it’s funny how even a scribblish painting could make it to an exquisite exhibition. “can you try explaining this one to me?” Peter jokingly asks, pointing to the painting that you had just pointed. you chuckled at him and said “yeah, it’s your brain whenever you’re trying to process something simple.” his smiled turned into a frown real quick earning a “hey!” from him.

you looked at Peter with a worried face and shook his arm, “i-is everything alright, y/n?” you looked down at your feet and shake your head, no, he was starting to get worried, “what’s wrong?! is everything okay?!” he asked, you looked up to his eyes and said “i’m hungry,” he once again rolls his eyes trying hard to not be mad at you, “god, you made me worried sick for a second there, y/n.” you snorted at him, poking fun of how his face looked.

*･゜ﾟ･*:.｡..｡.:*･'(*ﾟ▽ﾟ*)'･*:.｡. .｡.:*･゜ﾟ･*

you two went to the nearest bagel shop as Peter was craving bagels eventhough you were the one who’s hungry. you ordered the classic bagel with cream cheese and Peter ordered the same too. the whole time you were queuing with him, he made you laughed. to your surprise, it wasn’t as awkward as you thought it would be. it was going so well, you didnt want this moment to end.

Peter grabbed his and yours order while you were looking for a table to sit. you found a table right outside next to the window of the bagel bakery. he came right up at you and said “one cream cheese bagel and black coffee with three sugar for a sweetheart,” you melted at his words thinking that it was for you but it turns out he didnt finished his sentence just yet “and one cream cheese bagel and hot tea for y/n” if you had to roll your eyes one more time at is dumb jokes, you swear you werent gonna see the light of day again

“so, how’s Jane?” you addressed the elephant in the room. his smiled went into a frown as quick as sugar dissolves into a liquid. “she... she and i broke up a month after i... you know,” he said not wanting to bring up the topic of him rejecting you but needless to say, you were quite shocked. why didnt he messaged you after that happened to atleast confide in a friend.

you spoke “i’m so sorry, Pete. why didn’t you messaged me, though? i could’ve done everything that i could to cheer you up,” you immediately closed your mouth with both of your hands, regretting that you had said that. he’s gonna think you only care ahout yourself, “well i was going to but i figured that you didnt want to hear anything from me,” you sighed at his words and reassure him that you always want to hear from him whether it was good or bad. he smiled at your kind words

you sipped your tea and continued to make your conversations alive once again after you decided to ruin it by asking him a dumb question.

*･゜ﾟ･*:.｡..｡.:*･'(*ﾟ▽ﾟ*)'･*:.｡. .｡.:*･゜ﾟ･*

it was now 6:30pm, you were parting your ways with Peter. he had to run off to buy a couple of things for Aunt May, you wanted to accompany him but he insisted that he can and constantly brings up about how Spider-Man can do it on his own. what a cheeky bastard.

you arrived home and settled down for a minute before opening your laptop to check your emails. you head to your fridge to make yourself a peanut butter and jelly sandwhich. you had to admit eating bagels didnt exactly fill up your hunger but you weren’t feeling like eating a lot. you sat on your study desk and took out your laptop.

you typed in your email address and password, once you’ve signed in, this particular email caught your eyes, you clicked on it and read it.

“Dear y/n l/n,

We, from ArtSix company, would like to fly you over to Paris, France to work with us. We are a group of artists who would try to find interesting jobs for painters and offer them, just like you are being right now. We would like to pay the amount of One Thousand Five Hundred American Dollars for you to paint something in honour of Oscar-Claude Monet. This job would require you to move to France, if you are interested in taking it.

Would love to hear from you, soon.

Best regards, ArtSix”

you were shocked, you couldn’t believe your eyes. someone had offer to give you a job! finally, you’ll be able to earn good money while doing something you love! just sitting at home and ask your parents for money isnt doing you any good or rather at most times doing small jobs like being a waiter at a restaurant isnt doing any good. your apartment rent was getting expensive, anyways.

this might be your chance to get a fresh start! you texted MJ about the news and she said “congratulations!! we definitely have to trade paintings before you leave for 🇫🇷!!” you shoot back a gif that says “duh” but suddenly it hits you, how are you going to tell Peter? will he be happy for you or will he beg for you to stay?

*･゜ﾟ･*:.｡..｡.:*･'(*ﾟ▽ﾟ*)'･*:.｡. .｡.:*･゜ﾟ･*

a/n; aAAA UH OH READER IS GOING TO FRANCE WHATS GOING TO HAPPEN NEXT,, also if its not obvious,, reader is in denial skdjskfks

say you love me taglist! (dont be afraid to ask to be tagged! also i’m tagging some of yall who i think have been reading from the first chapter :-) and gave such kind criticism )

@imawkwardandhereweare @canyonmoonspidey @thebadassbitchqueen @thequeenreaders

#peter parker #peter parker angst #peter parker x reader #marvel cinematic universe #mcu #tom holland #tom holland x reader

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minichedders · 6 years ago

Text

champagne bubbles

bodyguard!tom holland x reader

Your father was a very important figure within the London crime family, which is why you lived a life of luxury and want, although you liked to stay as down to earth as possible, you treated everyone with kindness, offering help and support to everyone in the house, whether they where worked with your father or where maids. You spent most of your days cooped up in the house, reading, baking, watching films and helping the maids clean, much to their protest. The most excitement you would experiment was an occasional dinner party with your father's snobby friends, or when your father needed you out the house and let you take his card on a shopping spree. Of course, you would always have company though; your bodyguard Tom Holland watched your every move.

It was convenient to be fair, because you liked the fact he watched you, and that you always had his full attention; the both of you had always flirted back and forth, making sure to be discreet in peoples company, but you treasured moments alone, when you felt normal, like you could almost have something serious with Tom.

"Common Tommy, I'm so bored!" You rushed, practically skipping down the stairs, challenging Tom in a race as you were much too eager to go outside. You had managed to convince Tom to take you to your favourite Garden Park Center, where you would no doubt buy a million more plants to fill the house. Tom slugged behind you, unwilling to spend the day looking at plants that all looked the same anyway, but seeing the pure happiness and joy on your face made his heart tinge, willing to do anything with you.

"Comming darling," Tom returned, reaching the bottom of the white spiral staircase, grabbing his assigned car keys and opening the large oak front doors for you. Tom watched as your figure walked past him, your eyes locking before you paced in front of him, allowing him to rake his eyes up and down your body, admiring the baby blue summer dress you wore, with a low square neck and a tight waist, adorning your curves.

Tom raced you to the car door, opening the passenger side of the sleek black Range Rover for you to hop in, almost groaning when he saw he exposed skin beneath your dress skirt. The Garden Center was only a few miles away from the city, so it wasn't a particularly long drive, but it was filled with your loud music and singing, finding inappropriate times to poke Tom in the sides whilst he drove. You took the time to check him out, one hand on the wheel, the other resting on the gear stick, admiring how the veins in his arms almost popped out, his tanned skin holding tightly around his strong muscles, which bulged out his tight black and white striped shirt, matched with a pair of black dress pants and black loafers. You smiled to yourself, knowing that you had a big influence on Toms dress sense; before he used to wear the same black suit to work, mostly because he knew it annoyed you, but you brought him a couple of clothes, and whenever you would go shopping together, you always picked out something nice for him, like the black loafers he was wearing right now.

"Stop staring at me," Tom said, a cheeky smile playing on his lips as he briefly turned to look at you, before returning to the road ahead. You scoffed at him, rolling your eyes as you laughed.

"You are wearing the shoes i brought you," You mentioned, turning to look outside the window, watching the city life become more rural as you approached the garden centre.

"Of course i am," Tom replied, aking your smile grow, and silence befell you once more.

"I can't believe you brought 12 fucking plants," Tom snarled, juggling 10 in his hands whilst you carried 2, laughing at him behind you.

"12 is an amateur number darling," You replied, unlocking the door to your room. Because of the large palace, your dad had housed you in, your room was more like a small apartment, containing a small living area, bathroom, closet room and a bedroom. You had kept to the clean black and white theme of the house, with added pastel colours and plants scattered across the rooms, with colourful candles, light shades, and you mall fishtank beside your desk, holding two tiny fish within.

Tom placed the plants on the large table in the living area, sitting down on the white leather corner sofa huffing, watching you go around the room, moving things and reorganizing your space to fit all the plants within. A lazy smile fell on his lips, thinking about how this felt like a relationship; but the realisation of your life being in danger due to the constant threats other crime families made to get a rise out of your father, and how he was your protector. The two of you trained together, worked out together, and he taught you how to shoot and a little defence moves - which wasn't normal in a relationship.

As you were placing your new plant's friends in your bathroom, you began running one, sprinkling pink salts in and bubbles, with a few rose petals and lighting a few candles around the large room. You set up your wireless speaker in the bathroom and began playing your chillout playlist, the music echoing off the bathroom tiles and around your room. You were quietly humming along to the music, capturing the attention of Tom, as he walked into the bathroom, leaning against the doorframe, watching you move across the room, dancing and singing to yourself.

Once the bath was full and warm, you hung your robe above the door and dipped your tensed body in the warm water. You sent Tom a shit-eating grin, daring him to come over and join you; you watched as he walked over to the work surface, crabbing an unused bottle of champagne and two flute glasses, popping open the cork, making you jump slightly as he laughed at you.

Tom walked over with the items, placing on the surface outline the jacuzzi styled bath. You grasped your glass, taking a sip of the rich, gold liquid before throwing at Toms' face. Toms' face was stunned, trying to process the fact that he now had a face full of champagne, thrown at him by the women he hadn't stopped thinking about all week. He opened his eyes to see your smile radiating off your beautiful skin, your hand over your chest as you laughed hard. Your body was covered in pink tinted bubbles, the low hum of the jets filling the room along with the chilling music coming from your speakers.

"Oh, you are in trouble now missy," Tom said, walking closer to the bathtub, before you turned and pointed a single finger at him, stopping his motions.

Tom slowly stripped off his shirt, throwing it with your discarded pile of clothes, and staring at you deeply as he unbuckled his belt, making you gulp and think unsavoury thoughts. Your eyes shamelessly scanned his toned figure, hard muscles raging and bulging, his arm veins contorting with his movements as he climbed at the end of the bathtub opposite you; your heart was beating rapidly, afraid that it might burst out your ribcage, and your face was heated, more so due to the hot steam, but the hot, nearly naked man in front of you definitely contributed. You tried to calm your nerves by pouring yourself another glass of champagne, now chugging the whole glass, staring back at Tom as you sat in silence.

moments passed before either of you moved or spoke, you spent the time staring intently at each other, watching as Toms orbs would change colour and size the more he studied you. " You are so fucking beautiful Y/N," Tom whispered. You hummed in response, not knowing what to do or say in this situation. You and Tom had never put yourselves in this situation before, apart from a slow dance at your father annual gala once, you hadn't been this close, with few clothes on before.

You where cursed with over thinking, normally you would spend the whole day thinking and evaluating one sentence that someone had said to you the previous day, and you would plan out your actions and words in your head when you joined in conversation; but when you and Tom where like this, you didnt think much, to distracted by how he looked at you, like he was in love. So, without thinking or second-guessing, you moved forward, turning so your back was resting against his muscular chest, and his arms wrapped around your bare waist, fighting the urge to touch anything intimate and just keep calm, your head fell back onto toms neck, allowing room for Tom to lean down and plant a small kiss to your exposed neck. The action was gentle, although his intentions and thought where seemingly dirty, he wanted to treasure you first, and ruin you later. You gently hummed to the music, allowing Tom to feel the vibrations on your skin as he continued placing light kisses to your skin.

Tom traced his hands around your skin, before grabbing your waist gently and turning your body, now straddling Toms body with yours, placing your hands on each side of his chest, holding yourself up; the water level still covered your breasts, but Tom could still see the top of the soft, subtle skin, almost making him drool. You leaned forward, taking the dive towards his lips, as your chest fell flush against him, groaning at the contact of your bare nipples against him, lips locking in a slow, intimate kiss. The taste of his lips made you moan, and the way he worked around you made your skin set alight, shivering at his fingertips grazing the skin of your back, eager to firmly grab your ass.

Tom's lips travelled down to your neck, sucking harshly at your skin, no doubt causing his own mark, making you moan a little, causing Toms hands to become a little more adventurous. Your hands held onto Toms' shoulder, then other cupping the nape of his neck, tugging at his har when his hands cupped your flush ass cheeks, playing with them as he continued his attack on your neck. Tom was obsessed with marking you, wanting to remember the moment for as long as possible, and call you his girl and spend the rest of his days with you.

"This is crazy, Tommy," You moaned, you lips falling to his shoulder, biting lightly.

"I know, but you drive me fucking crazy, I've been thinking about you ever since i saw you. I know its crazy but i would be more than willing to give you everything you need, everything you want, i don't care about your father, i care about you, only you," He said, carefully brushing through your hair, soothing you as you listened to his affectionate words. Never in your life had any man confessed feelings like that to you, and you were smitten. The idea of building a relationship with Tom and being happy filled you with joy; you were ready, ready to give everything, to take everything and to be with him.

"I want you, Tommy," You whimpered.

"I want all of you, angel," He growled.

#tom holland #tom holland smut #tom holland x reader #tom holland one shot #tom holland imagine #fluffy one shot #marvel #marvel fanfiction #marvel one shots #bodyguard!tom #bodyguard!au #mob!tom #mob!tom holland #peter parker #peter parker imagine #peter parker smut #peter parker fluff

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mirrorballparkers · 5 years ago

Text

his home [peter parker]

summary: no matter what happens, you were his home and his safe place. you had each other.

warnings: peter being cute as always + my bad writing (there’s some angst if u squint ig??)

words: 1.9k

authors note: hi enjoy love u xoxo

“ouch!”

peter winces in pain as he reaches up for the pancake mix in the upper pantry, trying not to make any noise for he didnt want to let you see him in pain, or wake you up. he thought you looked adorable in your star wars pjama bottoms and his blue midtown sweater; hair slightly messed up from moving too much overnight. he hums a familiar tune, bobbing his head slightly as he slowly gathers all the ingredients from various areas in the tiny kitchen he shared with his aunt, who was thankfully still asleep and would scold him for simply attempting to cook - he wasn’t quite good at it.

as peter mixes the chocolate chips into the pancake batter, he hears small footsteps approaching him. trying hard not to smile like a complete moron, which failed, he turns around to see you – dreary eyed and hair still fluffed up. his whole face brightens up, heart fluttering as he walks over to you - his whole world.

“hey, whatcha doing up so early?” he asks in a sweet tone. peter was always going to be smitten and shy with you, didn’t matter how long you’ve been together - he was always shy.

“kept hearing a bunch of pots clattering, figured you had broken something,” you tease, walking up to him and giving him a side hug. “what’s all this?” you inquired, tilting your head.

peter laughs softly as he shuts his eyes, engulfing you into a full hug. “i wanted to make you breakfast and bring it to you in bed,” he gestured towards the mess behind him, you giggle in response, “but i guess i was maybe too loud? and i might suck at cooking?” he spoke in a sheepish tone, pulling away from you as he leans his against the counter. “are you hungry?” before you could answer, your stomach made a slight grumbling noise - telling peter that it was quite evident that you were in need for some pancakes.

“uh...i guess i am.” you laugh, trying to avoid eye contact as your cheeks grow rosey.

peter tries his best not to giggle, knowing you were embarrassed. “you look so adorable omg when you blush, baby,” he spoke warmly.

“why don’t you go lay back down? i’ll bring you your pancakes when they’re done, cutie.”

“if you count a doggie bed in your living room with ten different blankets breakfast in bed, i’m definitely in.” you scoff mockingly, walking over to the pancake batter in the orange bowl , picking up the spoon as you slightly mix it and yawing to yourself.

peter playfull rolls his eyes, biting his lip as he looks over at you poking at the mix. adoring your puzzled face as you probably were thinking that he had done everything completely wrong. “hey! i tried to get her to let us sleep in my bed, but you know her, she’s super protective.” he pouts, his cheeks turning a soft rose color that made his infinitesimal amount of freckles appear more.

he looked down at his tattered up hands, that had gotten messed up due to fighting this dude last night while you were asleep. he tried his best to hide the excruciating pain that was forming, not wanting you to know he wasn’t a hundred percent fine. he had told you many times the night before that it would clear up by the morning, only for the pain to increase.

“i gotta hand it to you, though, pete - you didn’t completely mess up this batter.” you chuckle, “all that’s missing is chocolate. d’ya have any?”

“i do,” peter nods, walking over to you and gently putting his hand over your dainty one that was holding the whisk. “but i wanted to be the one baking, babe. i got this!” he leans forward, kissing your cheek - smiling as the faint blush appears on your cheeks. you giggle softly as you rub his hand with your thumb, only for him to quietly wince at the pain.

your smile suddenly fades, eyes falling on his tattered up hand, “pete,” he instantly notices your mood drop, quickly pulling his hand away from you. “it’s still hurting you?” you asked cautiously.

“n-no! no, babe, it’s nothing. i’m fine.” peter lies, a nervous laugh escapes his lips as he walks to the other side of the kitchen, avoiding being close to you in fear of worrying you.

“peter, don’t. i know you’re lying.” you say, one hand on your hip and a stern yet worrisome look on your face. as much as you were proud of your boyfriend for what he did, it still terrified you more than anything. all you wanted was for him to be safe.

“how’d you know?” he asked.

“for one, you were stuttering. you always stutter when you lie. plus, you walked away from me. gives it away every time.” peter sighs, feeling guilty that he made you feel like that. sometimes he felt maybe it would be easier on you if you weren’t dating some guy who was also a superhero.

“yikes, i’m that bad of a liar, huh?” peter asks, making his way back towards you and fiddling with his thumbs.

“just a bit, yeah.” you both giggle as you reach over to hold his injured hand. placing your hand in his, very gently so you wouldn’t hurt him, he looks up at you with those pretty brown eyes and smiles.

“sorry i made you worry.” he says in a soft tone; the type that made you forget why you were upset, where you just wanted to hold him and keep him safe forever. you had only known for about two months now, peter accidentally webbed your hands together and yes it was the cutest time, and it’s been quite difficult getting used to seeing a new bruise or cut somewhere surfacing your sweet boy.

it was absolutely impossible to be upset with peter for longer than two seconds. everything, absolutely everything, about his sweet face made your chest fill up with nothing but butterflies and sweet things. the more his sweet brown eyes filled with sadness or worry, the more you wanted to hold him and protect him.

“it’s okay. but you have to do one thing for me,”

“hmm?”

you shoot him a goofy grin, “let me finish making the pancakes.”

peter dramatically leans his head back, groaning loudly, “noooo i wanted to do this for you!”

he was a boy who likes simple things: simple things for his simple person — and you were his person.

“mmmm, no. you’re hurt, you could easily burn yourself pete. not gonna risk it.” you tell him, earring another dramatic groan from the pretty boy in front of you.

you being your finger up to his cute lips, shushing him quietly, “relax, pretty boy, it’ll be fine i swear. lucky for you i’m a pretty good cook.” you teased before walking away from him to complete what he had first started.

peter held his hands up in defense, a light and adorable chuckle escaping his lips as he leaned back on the counter and watched you proceed to make the pancakes. he tried to focus on anything else in the room, but his eyes always landed on you.

it was distracting to peter, your beauty. every single part of you. not just your features, but who you were as a person. you were lambent with kindness and goodness, a field of flowers; everything about you was good. peter couldn’t quite contain himself, he needed to be close to you. he felt warm and safe when he was close; he didn’t feel like he was in danger, as he usually did when he was spider-man. with you, peter was safe and sound.

he walks over to you quietly, eyeing how you were placing the pancake mix onto the hot pan, careful not to mess anything up in the process, you wanted it to be perfect just for your boy. he places his head on your shoulder, feeling airy and warm the minute he felt your soft touch.

so much better, he thought.

“sorry i worry you so much,” he said, his warm cheeks pressed against your skin, never wanting to leave your side, in fear of you getting hurt or forgetting about him. that was peters fear;

instead of telling him to go sit down, you adjust yourself to where it were fully facing him, cupping his cheek gently and rubbing it every so softly with your thumb. gosh, it was like you were face to face with an angel.

peter was absolutely, positively emerald. he made you feel so soft and peaceful. his doleful eyes with little specks of green, freckled cheeks, in which someday in the spring you wanted to lay him down on your lap so you could count them. there were infinitesimal amounts of them, like stars in the galaxy. it was almost fairytale-like; then again, being with peter was a fairytale.

“you’re here with me, yeah?”

he nods, glossy eyes, but he wasn’t going to cry; not when he felt safe with you.

“i always am.”

“then why should i worry?” you asked.

you had a pretty good point, peter thought. he was there, with you, his home. nothing bad was going to happen. the two of you had each other and that’s what mattered.

“i love you so much.” peter finally smiled, that smile that was infectious, cute, and sweet. nobody smiled like peter, nobody.

“i love you more, pete. now go sit down and relax, i made some pretty darn good pancakes.” you poke his shoulder, earning a quote darling laugh from peter as you hand him his plate of chocolate chip pancakes.

it was moments like these - the intimate, tiny, sweet moments - that reminded peter of why his life was so darn sweet. he had you; he always, always had you, his sweet person.

peter’s home.

taglist: @plushparker @akaspiderman @mcuspidey @naturallytom @sunshinehollandd @maryjparkers @retroparkers @cutesparker

#peter parker #peter parke imagine #peter parker x reader #peter parker fic #peter parker blurb #peter parker drabble #peter parker oneshot #peter parker headcanon #tom holland #spider man: homecoming #spider man: far from home #marvel #marvel imagine #marvel blurb #avengers: endgame

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reasonablespeculation · 5 years ago

Text

submission re: EB & more anon reviews below

I thought maybe I can give my review of endings, beginnings that nobody asked for because well I'm seeing so many biased reviews on twitter of ppl who already decided they hated it before watching it.

Starting off, I would like to say that I expected it to be much more worse than it actually is based on all the exaggerated reactions to the clips and some of the shitty reviews.

Style - I have personally always liked drake's style. Dialogue playing over their body language enforces the idea that what they say is something and what they want to do is something else specially in the bar scene between Frank and daphne. I loved the colour palette used, although it's a bit too dark at times and I ended up watching my own reflection at the screen lmfao. I don't mind jump cuts but the jump cuts at the very beginning were too much.

Dialogue - I'm not a fan of completely improvised dialogues. I prefer a script to be pinned down and the actors are given the freedom to add or take from it. The dialogue is lacking for a movie! But if we compare it to real life it's very realistic and I assume this is what drake was aiming at yet this made the film lose its cinema charm.

Actors - I feel like everyone did absolutely great with what they were given. The process shailene described seems like hell for an actor, going into the scene and saying whatever and expecting the other to say whatever and you have to respond on the spot. Frank and Jack's characters were one dimensional because I assumed they are seen through daphne's eyes and she is not interested in them beyond what they can give her (one gives her security while the other gives her passion). Daphne's character is annoying yet you can clearly tell that was the purpose. She's messy, she makes dumb decisions, she craves to be wanted yet claims she wants to stay away from men, her self righteousness when she saw Frank doing coke shows utter contradictions with her own messiness. I felt like there are a lot of ppl who can resonate with her...she's not your typical heroin. Regarding frank, I felt like he was initially even more one dimensional than what was seen on the screen, but sebastian gave him more character. The last dialogue in the diner felt very real and it made me sad. His chemistry with daphne is one of the things I found to be very real too, when he stared at her during that game It felt so intimate that I wanted to look away and give them some privacy (a choice bart didn't have)

Sex scenes - fans have really exaggerated the sex scenes in the movie because in all honesty for a romantic drama 4 sex scenes is not much and they are not long either or too raunchy. You can tell frank and daphne are very attracted to each other which made the intimacy in the scenes super real and had the viewer squirm in their seat feeling weird for watching it. I'm used to sex scenes being very theatrical in American cinema and that often makes them lose the intimacy required for the scene to be considered "hot" much like fifty shades with it's cold approach to sex and nudity.

Ending - I liked how none of the men tried to chase her to the ends of the world, its realistic and if this was real life all of us would be saying they can do better. Drake didn't exaggerate the love stories and he kind of deployed these relationships as self exploration rather than love. What I hated is how she magically went through character development as she got pregnant (this is such a Male perspective that it made me annoyed) I get how he's trying to promote self love but it just didn't resonate with me because it was associated with pregnancy (yet another person to love and be loved by) her journey towards self love should have started solo and I found it incredibly unrealistic for her to not want to know who the father is and even more unrealistic that none of them demanded to know. No one can live their lives knowing their kid must be out there, even if they don't want kids. And it was so ooc of Jack to say "oh that's great" when she told him she's pregnant and he thought it's his because he clearly stated so many times he doesn't want kids.

Overall I liked the movie, its chill, its decent, and it's not cringey it just has a narrow view of what its trying to prove. It's not a movie you can't take your eyes off of when watching but it's one you are interested to know what happens at the end. Many seb fans expect too much after itonya that they are now criticising sebastian's filmography as if opportunities like itonya happen every day and are just waiting for him to hop on. It's much more complicated than that. Endingsbeginnings is a decent movie, we're just looking too much into it because seb is in it.

RS: I agree with you, great review.

anon1: I j watched eb and I still have no idea what happened to frank where did he go - ghosted, bb. went and had more wild adventures and totally ignored Daphne trying to get in touch.

anon2: I remember fans saying there's a sex scene that lasts 20 min in the movie and clearly there was not, which is one example of people exaggerating the hell out of everything about this movie including how bad it is. Shailene mentioned that they shot a 20 minutes long TAKE of the floor sex scene and drake ended up choosing the bits he wanted - yeah I’ve seen a few reviews from other people on tumblr and the reviews Drake is posting in his stories and nobody has any goddamn chill. it’s either the most heartbreaking movie they’ve ever seen (??????) and dug deep into their psyche and replaced the need for a therapist for the next ten years OR it literally came into their home and called their mom a wh*re and stole their cat and peed on their favourite pair of jeans. LIKE?

anon3: So, I still can’t figure out why Seb, Sha, and Jamie were like, kissing the ground Drake walks on because of how great a director he is. While I didn’t thing E,B was awful, nothing about the style or direction of this film makes me want to see any other of his work? I didn’t think it was that profound and found that his writing (especially Daphne’s character) wasn’t that great 🤷🏻‍♀️ maybe I’m just uncultured lmao - I feel like Drake had a big hit with Like Crazy and has been riding that reputation into the sunset

anon4: Watched the movie. Frank is a pathetic guy with no morals and a very low self-esteem. Shailene acting is painful to watch. The plot is prosaic and inane, the characters are unconvincing and the dialogues are dull.

anon5: I agree that the film didnt have a lot to say. Also i didnt hate Daphne like i thought i would and definitely related to her struggles & sadness. But really, apart from Seb the movie didnt make me feel anything much like you. Which is okay i guess if you're into that sorta thing. Also, did anybody else get the feeling she only really wanted Frank but was with Jack cos she didnt wanna be alone? - yeah for sure

anon6: I am somewhat confused about the film's premise. Was Daphne always so messy and the assault was just a catalyst for her or is she simply dealing with the trauma of being assaulted? The film does suggest the former with the mommy&Daphne cuts, but i am not entirely sold on that. And i fail to see how being *thatbigtwist* helps with her self-loathing? Whats happening there? - I agree with you that it seems like the former... but maybe with the assault kinda kicking off the latest round of messiness and exacerbating certain negative habits in she was dealing with people? Andddd idk... magical healing pregnancy trope?

#endings beginnings spoilers #submission

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hyperfixus · 5 years ago

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OPEN YOUR EYES, HEART AND MIND

Open up. It’s good for you.

This post is a little different to the others I’ve written. This one isn’t just about my experiences. In light of May being Borderline Personality Disorder Awareness Month, and last week being Mental Health Awareness Week, I’ve asked for those around me who live with BPD to contribute to my blog with their own thoughts, feelings and experiences. I would like to say a big thank you to those who felt brave enough to open up to me and so many others about the intimate details of their lives. I hope this post can make others who live with BPD feel a little less alone. 🖤

***

ANONYMOUS

Well I'm not sure what you'd like to know. But I've seen the stigma first hand and have cared for my mum who has been totally consumed by BPD due to the death of her first child. When I was growing up and looking after her I wasn't told what was wrong with her. So when the symptoms got stronger and she'd lash out and say things she didn't mean it had a huge effect on me as I didn't understand why she would say things and act like she did. As soon as I learned from her what was actually going on it became way easier to process and forgive her because I knew it wasn't her, it was her illness. Awareness for the people around people with BPD is so important in creating balanced and healthy relationships without resentment, as it was so difficult when I was small and clueless so I feel like there should be way more support for not only the people with BPD, but for the families because the nature of BPD makes it difficult to communicate sometimes unless you can understand it!!

ANONYMOUS

So I got my diagnosis around a year ago after a suicide attempt, I wasn’t really shocked about the diagnosis as I had done so much research due to having friends with BPD also so it was almost a weight off my shoulders being diagnosed. After I got diagnosed me and my ex split up due to him not “being able to handle it” which was sucky but a blessing really as I met better people after him, people who were able to “handle” it. I think one of the worst parts about having BPD is not being able to differ what is my actual personality vs BPD traits, I try to not divide the two and think too much into it but I do always wonder what parts are me and what parts are the illness. Certain things I struggle with a lot are my reactions to things that are considered “normal” one of the biggest things for me is when someone reads my message and doesn’t respond, sometimes I’ll literally consider blocking the person from my life or sending them a whole paragraph as to why they are the worst person on the planet, even I know that’s so intense but I literally cannot help it and it really sucks as it has caused so many fallouts and arguments for me. Another thing is reckless behaviour such as the time I took out 6 credit cards and I’ve maxed them all out and now I’m in a whole load of debt lmao. My reckless behaviour currently is going out most nights a week getting so blackout drunk because I’m trying to just cover up the fact that I’m going through a really bad time mentally, one of my ex’s has really broken me and I know that’s what I’m trying to get through by doing stupid things, it’s annoying that I can recognise why I’m acting like this but I can’t stop it, it’s a repetitive cycle. I do hope one day I can just be content with my life and get off the meds and stop the self destructiveness but right now I’m so numb that self destruct is the only way I feel absolutely anything and that’s just sad. If you have friends/family who seem to have all the traits of a person with borderline personality disorder please be kind to them, don’t call them out for their behaviour because they will be struggling a lot more than you realise, I wish people had been kinder to me and not so judgemental when I did silly things. Borderline personality disorder is such a hard thing to diagnose and it sometimes takes way longer than it should to be diagnosed, I only got my diagnosis because I tried to kill myself and I don’t think that’s right at all it should not be that way.

ANONYMOUS

For me, being diagnosed with BPD was one of the happiest but also scariest moments of my life. I was 21 when i found out and always kind of knew it was more than just anxiety and depression that made me feel the way i did. Knowing what was actually wrong felt like a huge weight was lifted off my shoulders as it really just made me realise that I don’t have full control over my moods and emotions but there are still ways i can manage it and make life easier for myself. I don’t take medication anymore because i always felt like a zombie but honestly it is still difficult when your head moves faster than you can manage. Meditation helps me a lot, it was difficult to get into but even just trying to regulate my breathing and ground myself in times of stress has helped more than i ever thought it would. With BPD i think it’s important to just take things one at a time, i overthink a lot and that doesn’t help with being constantly overwhelmed, but learning to focus on the things i *can* deal with, rather than the “what if’s” is one of the biggest helps for me

BETHAN, 19, LIVERPOOL

I've had diagnosed bpd for like a year now, getting the help I've needed has been near impossible. I spent about a year and a half undiagnosed and having no idea what was wrong with me made my symptoms worse. I always found myself getting into dumb situations due to impullsiveness, ever since my diagnosis I've been able to handle myself a lot better :) I think something people need to realise is that clarity can really help with bpd and even though it's hard in the UK to get help it is out there

DALE, 24, CLACTON-ON-SEA

So I was only diagnosed with bpd this year, until that point I was always given the blanket term of depression and mixed anxiety. [My experiences since diagnosis have been] kinda difficult I guess I got comfortable living with the standard depression diagnosis and so to be diagnosed with BPD kinda of shook my boat so to speak. I mean my mum and dad both suffer from mental health issues my mum being bi polar and my dad having Paranoid Schizophrenia so I didnt come from the best genetic stock in the forms of mental health

EVIE, 20, DURHAM

Having BPD is both a blessing and a curse to me. It is a curse because I am constantly tormented with intrusive thoughts, irrational behaviours and extreme insecurity. I question everything and often find myself in difficult situations because of my fears, and acting out in anger. It is a curse because I am constantly terrified of being abandoned, and that the people around me don't love me, and secretly hate me. It is a curse because some days I cannot physically get out of bed, because I'm- because I'm so mentally exhausted from the aggressive thoughts plaguing my mind. It is a blessing because after 10 long traumatic years, I have the answers I was looking for, my family was looking for and my loved ones were looking for. It is a blessing because you will never meet anyone who loves you as much as I do. I feel, and I feel hard. And I embrace it. It is a blessing because although I deal with such an awful disorder, I am not what happened to me. And BPD does not define me.I am still worthy of love, and I always will be. I am Evie, not BPD.

#bpd #borderline #borderline personality disorder #borderline awareness #bpd awareness #bpd awareness month #mental health #mh #mental health blog #pma #positive mental attitude #self help #self care

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3rddrawerdown · 6 years ago

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One And The Same (Part 4)

Warnings: Fluff and angst(?)

Pairing: Peter Parker/Spider-Man x Reader

Peter woke before you did. You were still snoring softly in his arms. It was adorable, really. He wanted to squeeze you closer, but hesitated. How would you react? Did you even want him in bed with you? Did you even know he was there? It had been late when he joined you, or maybe it had been early. He wasn't sure. You fell right asleep after you had calmed down. For the last year or so, Peter hadn't been sure where you stood with each other. You'd been friends for so long that something more had never really been on the table. Then, one day, he noticed how your waist cut in from your hips, just so. He noticed how your shirt fell a little differently, complimenting your new curves. You were his best friend, repackaged. The perfect package. He felt guilty at first, about his newfound feelings, but he managed to keep them to himself. Lately, though, he was being thrown mixed signals. Especially the day prior. When you had handed him that daisy, and told him about the extra tray of pies, it hadn't been uncharacteristic, but it was almost like the level of flirtation had been ever so slightly elevated. When he put his arm around you to walk to class, the way you leaned into it didnt feel quite as platonic as it always had been. Then the arm brush in the cafeteria? Everything was so subtle. He had convinced himself that he was imagining things, when you had pushed him to ask his longtime crush, Liz, to homecoming. But then, you had had such an intimate evening. Given, the situation had certainly been anything but normal. Regardless, he had held you, held your hand, kissed your forehead. Now he was in bed with you. This had to classify as more than platonic... right?

You began to stir, rolling over in his arms. "Mmh. Hey, Peter." Suddenly your eyes opened wide. "Peter!" You sat up, accidentally pulling the sheets off of him in the process.

I was almost too shocked to find him in bed with me to notice his shirtless torso. Almost.

Peter fell backwards out of the bed in his haste to give me my space. "I, you, last night..." he trailed off, nervously running a hand through his hair. "I woke up and heard you crying... so I came to, I dunno, help. I-I guess I fell asleep, too." Now he stood in all his shirtless glory, and I couldn't help but struggle for a moment to find my words. Then I remembered Liz.

"Oh, geez, what would Liz say?"

Peter's face scrunched in confusion. "I'm not dating Liz. I just asked her to homecoming."

I raised an eyebrow, incredulously. "First of all. Isn't that the point of asking her to homecoming? Aren't you trying to further this... into a relationship? Second of all, if someone had asked me to homecoming, I would be particularly pissed to find that he or she had been in bed with someone else the night prior. Just saying."

Peter grabbed a pair of jeans and threw them over his boxers. "Well, I'm sorry for coming in, last night. I was only trying to help."

Suddenly, I felt guilty for my harsh words. Why was I pushing him away? Because my feelings aren't mutual, I reminded myself. He was only trying to help. He wasn't trying to get close because he had feelings for me. Which means this kind of thing can't happen, especially if he's going to have a girlfriend. That thought put my stomach in knots. "Look, I appreciate it. That was the best night's sleep I've had in a while, honestly. It's just, stuff like this can't happen if you're going to have a girfriend."

He shrugged. "Yeah, I guess you're right," he said, looking down at his t-shirt, finding the sleeves. "We'll have to put off Friday movie nights, too, because they'll probably be date nights," he said, coldly.

A pang of sadness ran through me. Then I hardened. "Yeah. I guess we will." I ripped off his t-shirt, not caring if he saw me in my bra... and forgetting I wasn't wearing pants. I threw it at him and hastily put on my hoodie and jeans.

He caught the shirt in one hand, wearing a guilty expression. "...Y/N, I'm sorry, I didnt mean-"

"Whatever Peter. It's fine. Have fun at homecoming."

"You're not going?"

"I don't exactly have a date, and I'm not about to third wheel with you and Liz. Plus, I'm not particularly excited about being in your presence at the moment."

"Y/N! Wait!" You stormed out of his room, and he heard the front door slam. He felt bad as soon as the words had left his mouth, but it was too late. He looked down at the shirt in his hand before falling on his bed, covering his face with his arms. "Uuuuuugh," he groaned. The shirt smelled like you.

I stormed home. Mom and Dad were at work. I lay on my bed, staring at the back of my door. My homecoming dress hung there, full of hope.

"Ugh." I rolled off the bed and went to the window, crawling out onto the fire escape. I made my way up to the rooftop, where I sat on the edge, just watching the city live and breathe below me.

There was a faint thud behind me. Turning to look, I couldn't believe what I was seeing.

"Hey, there." Spider-Man made his way to the rooftop edge, where he joined me in sitting.

"I didnt expect to ever see you again. I mean, except for maybe on the news, but you get my point." I couldn't believe I was speaking so coherently. I was sitting a foot away from THE Spider-Man. Sometimes I couldn't even speak around Peter without stuttering or losing my train of thought.

Ugh. Peter.

"Well, I was in the neighborhood and happened to see a lonely girl sitting all by herself on her rooftop. I couldn't pass through without checking in, right?"

"I'm not going to jump, if that's what you're worried about."

"That's the general concern, but I believe you. Something does seem to be bothering you, though. Want to talk?"

To Spider-Man? Was that even a question? Of course I wanted to talk. "Don't you have lives to save? Criminals to catch? Basically anything more important to do?"

"What's the point in being a friendly neighborhood Spider-Man, if you can't sit down and be friendly every once in a while? Besides, the city can manage itself for a little while, and I'll... I'll know if something big happens. Lay it on me." He brought his knees up to his chest, like a kid. His mask, believe it or not, was very expressive. The eyes on the suit widened, as though he were listening intently.

I sighed. "Well, you brought this on yourself, you know." I brushed a strand of hair behind my ear and continued, "I shouldn't really be upset, I guess. My best friend of, geez, as long as I can remember, really, asked someone to homecoming. I mean, I urged him to. He's had a crush on this girl for a while now, and she totally gave him, like, the look. I told him to seize his opportunity, and he did. I'm happy for him, but now I dont have anyone to go with. I don't want to third wheel with them, not to mention we... kind of had a fight and I don't think he wants to see me, anyway."

"I wouldn't be so sure of that." Spider-Man turned toward you, crossing one leg in front of him and dangling the other off the roof. "Guys can be confusing, and incredibly oblivious."

"I guess... maybe I'm not ready to be around him, either. I dont know. I think I need some space." The wall-crawler's shoulders slumped, barely and near-unnoticeable.

"So you're going to skip the dance to avoid him? That doesn't sound fair to you. You should go."

I laughed. "With who? My nonexistent other friends?"

Spider-Man jumped up on the ledge, posing as The Thinker. "What if, hear me out, what if," he straightened, " I made an appearance as your date. Briefly, mind you."

I gaped at him. This couldn't be real. "Did you just ask me to my high-school homecoming?"

He stood a little taller, crossing his arms. "Maybe I did." I could hear the smile on his face. He uncrossed his arms and moved toward me. "I mean, I'll only be making an appearance, but I'll be the-" His next step would have been fine, had it not been where the ledge had a large chip. His foot slipped and he fell off the side of the building.

"Spider-Man!" I leaned over the edge, hair catching in the breeze.

"I'm okay!" He clung to the building like only he- or his namesake- could. He made his way back up to me, and I knelt at the edge. "Anyway. I can't be there the whole time, but I'll stop by for a minute or two. If you would like."

"I would love." I hesitated before leaning in and kissing his cheek. "Thank you."

"I-it's no trouble. I-I'll see you tonight." He made a move, not unlike a swimmer jumping off of the block into a backstroke.

I leaned over the edge and watched him swing off from building to building. My stomach was full of butterflies as I checked the time. I squealed excitedly and entirely uncharacteristically, and hurried back to my room to get ready for the evening.

Peter walked into the school with Liz, pulling his shirt collar up to ensure it covered his suit. He scanned the room for you, to no avail.

"Peter?" Liz touched his shoulder.

"Huh?" Peter turned.

"I just said my friends are over there," she pointed. "Shall we?"

"Uh, yeah." He followed her, continuing to scan the room as he went.

They stood around, for a while, talking, but Peter wasn't really there. "Do you want to dance?" Liz leaned into his ear.

Peter jerked back, surprised. "Huh? Yeah, sure."

Just then, the gym door opened and he froze. You walked in, hair cascading in wavy curls down your back. You wore a royal blue, floor-length gown. It was simple, plain even, but the strapless bodice hugged your upper torso just right. The fabric transitioned from fitted to loose, falling so perfectly from your waist. He was somewhat entranced by the movement of your hips underneath as you walked.

Peter thought back to this morning. You, in his bed. You, in his white t-shirt, your black bra just noticeable underneath. You, ripping it off, standing before him in just the bra and your underwear.

He tried not to think about that as he watched you stride over to the punch bowl. You poured yourself a glass and took a sip. Over the glass of punch your eyes met Peter's, and you turned, pointedly looking away. Peter felt excitement tainted by a touch of sad guilt. "Hey, Liz, why don't you go request a song? I'm going to run to the bathroom."

Now that I knew where Peter was, I knew where to avoid. I continued to sip my punch until something occurred to me. I never told Spider-Man which school I went to, or what time to be here. I came for nothing.

"Hey, loser." Michelle walked up next to me.

"Hey. What are you doing here? I didnt think this was really your scene."

"It's not." She didn't offer an explanation. "Where's your boyfriend?"

"My what?" For a split second I thought she was referring to Spider-Man, but that quickly passed. She couldn't have known about the rooftop chat, and boyfriend would have been an incredible stretch from what we were. Damsel and hero at worst, acquaintances at best. She must have meant Peter. "Oh, Pete's not my boyfriend. He's my best friend. But we're going through a... rough spot. He's here with Liz."

"You both need to accept your feelings."

"Excuse me?"

"Yup." She left me with that and disappeared into the crowd.

Were my feelings that obvious? Not to Peter, obviously. She must have been crazy to think he shared those feelings.

Preparing to leave, I leaned over the punch table to toss my empty cup in the bin. I was still bent over when I became aware of all the stares and whispers. I straightened, unsure.

Peter had passed the bathroom, rather than enter it, and exited the building. He checked to make sure the coast was clear before scaling the side of the school. Safe on the roof, he had pulled on his mask and shed his tuxedo. Now he was on the ceiling of the gymnasium, scanning for you. You were still over by the punchbowl, now chatting with Michelle. Michelle seemed to be finished and was walking away as he reached the ceiling above you. Slowly, he lowered himself, upside-down, just behind you. Everyone in the gym had seen him, at this point. Everyone, that is, except you. He cleared his throat.

"Miss, I must say, you look absolutely ravishing tonight."

You spun around. "You're here!"

"I promised I would be." Peter let himself down, gently and gracefully.

"I know, but I forgot to tell you what school I went to! I was about to leave. How did you know to come here?"

Peter was grateful for his mask, because his expression alone would have given him away. He had to think fast. "I have a sort of sixth sense. Like, a heightened intuition. Anyway," he cleared his throat. "Would the lady care to dance?"

"Does the gentleman sling webs?"

"He does." Peter held his arm out to you.

"She would." You took it, and he escorted you to the center of the gym.

"I know this one," Spider-Man said, as the song changed. He leaned in, "follow my lead." He placed a crimson hand on my waist and picked up my right with the other. "Ready?"

I felt warm from his touch and could feel the heat in my cheeks. "As I'll ever be," I spoke softly, placing my left hand on his broad shoulder.

The song was slow, but intense, and he led me well. Step by step, the gymnasium occupants could do nothing but stare at what transpired before them. Soon, I was able to predict what he would do next, and dancing was as a single entity. We twirled and spun, my dress melting into the blue of his suit, furthering the illusion of singularity. The comfort I felt with him went beyond the aspects of protection and safety; it felt as though I'd known him far longer than a meager twenty-four hours. The song was gearing up to end dramatically, and Spider-Man planned to do it justice. He spun me out, and I extended my arm, retracting it as he pulled me back in. He then lunged, using my momentum to dip me, as the song came to a dramatic close.

The claps began slowly, as the students came out of their shock, and soon the gym was roaring. Spider-Man pulled me up, seamlessly. Pressed against his chest, his masked nose was inches from mine. Suddenly, he went rigid, cocking his head to the side. He looked back at me and bowed, dramatically. Then, he lifted my hand to where his lips would have been and spoke, "It has been a pleasure, miss. Unfortunately, duty calls." With that, he turned and slingshot himself with his webbing toward the doors.

I shook myself out and told myself I'd reflect later. I didnt really feel like talking to anyone, and the whole gym was whispering excitedly. I pushed my way to the doors, catching a glimpse of a wide-eyed, gaping Liz.

But no Peter.

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castlehead · 6 years ago

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makeshift feels from the opinion lab

kafka wrote in a journal urhmherm of being limited to prague, then his room, then his bed, then nothing at all. to be limited at last to nothing at all. well. turns out i guess the most kafkaesque sentiment came from franz kafka.

enjoi ya rickety gethsemane while it is still to be dreamed, young writers, young writers of youth.

after a job on a hot day back in april or may or something i started listening to this while walking out of the truck towards the gas station convenience store and abruptly pivoted away from the sliding doors to sneak around the side and weep near the green fencing around some boilers. it occurred to me how little i could ever forgive myself for doing.

the shit ive done, all of it, i havent forgiven myself. if i did it and it was bad, or even meagre, dumb, really no big deal, bet yr ass it still keeps me from thinking i deserve happiness. i do not forgive myself for anything ive ever done. no deed is too temporal to etch itself cleanly into my head as something unforgivable, if only it makes a small point.

i know this is true because no joy i ever feel is felt fully, because i do not think it is deserved; and because i allow myself to be joyous only when i think of the truth of my unforgiven, unforgivable state. never to be. Never will.

and that is what is depression.

There must be something here, in me. Here where the jackals caterwAul Like streetcats Mewing their gizzard After this night’s heat, What’ll it be Jackals, Buzz off, shit man

i feel like the key to life is knowing that 90 percent of anxiety & depression, either in degree or in its truth, and at least somewhere not wracked by war, is unsubstantiated (the ten percent being actual crises, like fear of violence, a death in the family, etc). The problem is how persuasive these feelings can be that lead to the fulfillment of the very fear or solidifying the reason for being depressed. But with positive feelings, the least thing, whether true or no, can always be rewarding. A bit of happiness must be allowed to be felt, indiscriminately, because it is more useful to us than a bit of sadness. Take the fierce dialectic u use to establish a depressing ‘truth’ and persuade yourself of something good. If one is far fetched, let it be the something bad. Until it happens, after all, all of it remains in your head, to do with what u will.

You don’t get to lower taxes on the rich and gut social services at the same time. The reason social services are in place is to provide a fair shake for john q public. Mostly investors are feeling the benefits of the corporate tax cut. They’re not giving the money towards a better product that would help the people. but one day there will be no sesame seeds on the bun of yr Big Mac and you’ll wonder how that’s possible with an entire sesame seed dept that just got a pay raise.

tax reform should be done to help a free market, so that the rich can be poor and the poor rich. Taxation helps the people so that social services become less necessary. Social services were developed because the percentage of taxation was unequal between higher and lower class. Poor folks felt the pain while rich folks shrugged it off.

Thats why I say you can’t do both: social services are a protection against the world being entirely controlled, if it’s not already, by those from the very swamp this president wants to drain. T**** hasn’t drained shit.

i feel like writing takes over for your thought process. You can’t think and write at the same time, or something. something turns off or it switches where it’s doing the shit it’s doing to a different place, like yr hands. I don’t think you can write down one linear thought with another thought being thought in your head. This is why people say their mind goes blank in extended periods of inspiration. The functioning has gone from being untethered and temporal, ie wandering thoughts, notions, speculating, to being possessed in a focused place, ie yr hands, which usually leads to a more focused expression of perhaps a thought of particular value, enough in the first place to require writing down. But tho this can be easy for some talented people, who might, as Joyce said, polish their nails while writing some genius thing, what does not come easy for anybody, because it is imposssible, is thinking two disparate things, of the everyday and of some behemoth philosophic concept, for example, without either one taken place after or before; or, one of them being intermittently disturbed, tho linearly, by the other, like a notification on yr phone- until at last one of the two breaks down, and the foxus superseded by the one left. This is especially novel. One thinks; one does not think and also think. That would make it two people in one head. Therefore we can presume that ones identity is found in the unity, or internal focus, of their story in thoughts down one narrow wire: thought can cross many paths and examine everything under and beyond th sun, but per person it is still in the singular. It cannot divide into two simultaneous paths of equal focus. there can be multilayered thoughts with a similar core concept behind them, and these can be thought simultaneously as much as one can ante up and dole out shades of emotion and shades of thought, and so on. But I cannot think of a teleological explanation for all creation and with the same focus Apply myself to letters in the mail. There is a dominant voice, and the rest, the mundane voice, is seen thru that lens.

ya cant say yr colorblind then gripe about people hatin ya cuz u r white. contradiction of terms no? if you really didnt see color, ud say people hated yr ass because yr a damnfool entrylevel, grunt-ass lowbrow. not because of the color of ya skin, which ya recognized and put to the forefront in making that very statement.

feel like uh, a priori is not intuition alone. Intuition is a function of the mind, while a priori is, if I understand Kant correctly, a representation synthesized before there is an object of focus available for the senses to interpret, ie an essentially true conclusion drawn, that has no need for a combined manifold, as, Kant tells us, is offered by merely living in space and time: time to extend and progress from cause to effect to cause, and space to do it in. In other words, intuition is cognitive- psychological, and a priori, theoretical- logical.

Pathos is the one thing most divine about people, for i see that in my worst state I can still grieve for the savaging of life’s last hope, and be uplifted, feel tears, at least for a little blessed while. There is no state so low that does not inspire one to at least pity themselves, and feel the comfort of passions, however mistaken or wretched the person.

i feel that / Some subjects do not even allow to be proved through the scientific method, yet they are still issues of a scientific nature and not just mysticism. the line is very thin however, since usually these subjects devolve into mysticism. In fact, if science only worked with that which could be proven, from the outset or otherwise, we’d have a pretty limited roster of discoveries. Sometimes discoveries can be made along the way towards proving; sometimes, discoveries can be made, scientifically, thru means that for lack of anything better, are entirely theoretical. And sometimes the search is not to prove something true but to clarify something. Science is not out to be incontrovertible.

The man in mismatched sox inhaled not as deeply as he would have liked at such a crescendo, even if on the third listen in a row, then, looked up at the massive pure blue upwards, cloudless, felt likely to cry for joy, but in the end simply mouthed the words:

“I’m gonna die of loneliness, fo sho.”

So often doth trespass our intuition upon realms and pathways of a more intimate enumeration of cause and effect than could be available to any witness, and that is available only to the actioning of objects involved in the event seen and analyzed by what and who were no player.

The crisis paid goodbyes in the form of telling your ass off, is what he said. But we all knew he thought he was merely a parable often enough already. We didn’t listen to the crisis, deliberately shut our ears like boxing them very slowly ourselves before anyone else could. Later in the year many terrible events would occur that were the direct result of ignoring his words. But nobody came around to believing he did it. The crisis was way off teaching prophecies someplace probably foreign. But if I refuse to be confined to learning from my own folly I should at least give the follies of others a chance. Fatass karma, and more hell than handbasket.

What the crisis he said was

HEY YOU DONT WANT TO FACE JACK, FACE? TELL ME ABOUT HOW CRUELTY CAN BE ELEGANT AGAIN. YOU ARE FACING NO SUCH BURDEN OF SIMPLY LIVING. TELL ME WHAT HALLUCINATIONS ARE, YOU SWOLLEN, DYSPEPTIC SHIT.

And to this day All I remember is him Looking slain already Like he’d be on the slab In days Or even hundreds of years from then And it’d be how, uh, how He looked then Slamming the door While my sister and things Was gatherin they buckets for weeping later In that queer disease of spite where You grieve for the vanquished enemy.

all triumph is in some sense humorous, for in itself triumph is the opposite of tragedy. that is why the soldier laughs as he shoots at a retreating enemy. there is an element of rowdiness that is somewhat comedic, taken in itself.

Numbers are the only symbols that stand for what they are. In this way they are more like hieroglyphs

is bed porn a thing? it should definitely be a thing.

THIS LIFE IS FILLED WITH DARKNESS THIS DARKNESS IS SO LIGHT GOD IN HEAVEN QUA SKY MUST BEAT WINGS TO KEEP ON GROUND NOTHING MUCH IS EVER FOUND NOTHING MUCH IS EVER FOUND. No symbols where none intended etc etc

No art is permanent, in that its aims in being created do not last, do not translate between epochs. I will never experience Homer as one living in Ancient Greece. Have not closely read Homer, but when I do it will be as myself in my time, with all the sullying context of those years from then to now only left to unguide me.

Kierkegaard tricks you into thinking he knows his insanity is illogical, the side effect of writing his labyrinths. The frightening moment comes when you realize how fiercely logical his insanity seems to him, and how insane the World actually is, and you wonder if it is that you do not understand it or just do not accept it.

#prose #powtry #prowse #poetry #collage #social media

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thoughtsandeverythingelse · 4 years ago

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hmm

honestly i didnt see a point in writing this, but i think since it has been on my mind, perhaps it will be good to note down what i am feeling.

the idea of struggling to receive love has been so evidently lately, and it’s been bugging me to understand why it has been so hard. is it because my birthday is coming up - that i am forcing myself to think that i should have no expectations? is it because love has been a lot clearer, a lot more evident lately? that i am able to spot what i like, what i dislike lately? i struggle because i see people trying to love me, but at the very end i am realising parts of love that i truly delight, and parts of love that i find hard to receive. hard to receive can be interpreted in two ways: that i truly dont like the way you are loving me because i dont feel loved by your act (even though it has great intentions), or that i just genuinely think your love is so great that i totally dont deserve it.

perhaps thats what i feel with certain things; like the way a friend chooses to buy me a gift (ok to be fair, i hinted that i wanted it and i knew he would get it) but also just the very fact that he chose to get it for me. i feel like i dont deserve that, but yet again, i am not sure why. this probably emphasises that fact that why is it then i am okay with receiving God’s love? why is it that i dont feel the need to ‘make it up’ to Him? okay perhaps i feel like i do, which is why a part of me feels that this life isnt mine, and that i only have to live for Him. i am writing this post also because earlier i had a (very enjoyable) long call with a boy. it has been a while, and it is ironic because i just told myself last night ‘okay i will not want to text him anymore’. but tonight i received my results for a paper that i wrote, a paper that i truly struggled with (literally, when i freaked out 30mins before a submission) and by some strange chance, he was a part of that process. so i thought that it would be nice, that he could be a part of this process of me receiving my grades too. i mean, he was there from the beginning, i dont see why not that i cant include him in this process too. but a part of me knows that perhaps i have ill intentions. that i wanted to talk to him bc i wanted attention, that i wanted to hear him, that i wanted to tell him everything.

you see, a while ago he had his driving test. strange enough, nobody knew about it. not many i guess, im not sure who he told to and who he didnt. but i only knew i was one of the privileged few that knew.

i bought something for him - and even though i thought i resolved it, till this day, i am still questioning a tad big of my intentions.

i bought him a P plate. it has been on my mind for a while, googled it, searched it up, asked around, everything. i dont mean to be calculative, but i find myself calculating my efforts in case my intentions were ill. i told myself that i wanted to do it because ‘i wanted to love him’. i truly did though, but at the same time, did i want to love him because i wanted him to love me back? did i want to love him because i want to show him that i am capable of loving this way? i feel so sick that i have to question my intentions all the time, and it has been getting so tiring. but at the same time, i see its necessity. if i dont, i might fall hard. i might not guard my heart, and i might end up feeling hurt. all self-incurred, yea? i wanted to thank him for believing in me. even when i didnt myself. and i wanted do the same for him. you see, i am not the best at giving gifts. i feel honestly, i am terrible at it. very terrible. but i saw this as an opportunity. that this could be a chance where i could learn to give gifts, as a form of my appreciation to love him. but with emotions in play, i am worried about my intentions. i honestly thought about it for a very very long time. i had many instances where i wanted to bring it up with him. even talking about it tonight, i need to process it. i wanted to tell him right after his exam. but he failed, he was emotional - i didnt want to hurt him and make him feel like a failure, like a slap in the face, yknow? we talked a few days later after my dinner. he told me he knew why he was upset, but he didnt tell me why he was upset. i understood. i wanted to give him space. because of that, i decided that it wasnt a good time too. tonight, he shared with me what he truly felt. why he felt like failing the driving test was a horrible thing. he said that its because it made him feel less like a man. i dont think i can make him feel like a man. but in that moment, i felt like i really just wanted to encourage him, with the (simple) act of love, the least i could do. the thing is, we’re meeting again this weekend, and potentially going over to his house after the meeting. it was as if i thought about everything, like okay maybe by some sheer luck, i’d meet him at the bus stop. then i’d sneak it to him secretly (by putting it into his bag), or just passing it to him, with no explanations (which honestly isnt something i wanted to do, i wanted to explain my intentions, and why i did it - perhaps to prevent him from feeling like i gave him a slap in the face). since we were going to his house, i thought about it. perhaps i’d sneak it in his room, in his study table. then we leave, i’d tell him to check it there. i wanted to make sure this plan was good, so that nobody would have the chance to ask him about it, so that he wouldnt have to bring it up. the last thing i want, is for him to feel like i exposed him about his failure to everyone, yknow? i thought about it all. but yet tonight - felt intimate. it felt like the right time. perhaps, a part of me just couldnt wait, so i did it.

i mean yea clearly he liked it. he said that it was sweet, and he thanked me for it. but the more we spoke, the more i felt like okay perhaps this guy isnt interested in me. that really, i am not the one for him. funny how - i tell God that i have to let this go into His arms, but here am i trying to control every move. funny, isnt it?

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amethystblack · 7 years ago

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I've got a question, I messaged you quite awhile ago telling you that you were an inspiration to me as a closeted trans girl. I was curious as to how you started on your journey for all of it, it seems quite overwhelming at first. You don't have to answer this publicly if you don't want to ^.^

well, I don't mind... of course there's always that veil of anxiety in talking about this kind of thing, but i don't really believe in keeping quiet about that kind of thing, especially if it could help someone else.

so... how i started on a journey. well, i wonder...

to tell the truth, i wasn't really responsible about it at first. i was already in university by the time i realized this was something i needed to do. i'd done enough research to understand that it's hard to reverse many effects of T-- so i felt like the younger i started the better. i was always getting older, and therefore i felt like, i was always getting worse (as in, more masculine). the pressure was on. i had been very lucky to be able to pass, in terms of both appearance and voice, even before treatment, but i was worried the longer i waited the more of that i would lose (and i think i wasn't wrong. the last year before i started felt... especially harsh).

of course to start hrt you gotta get approved by a therapist, and gosh, that can take forever, you know? if it happened at all. the process was certainly daunting, and i'm historically not the best at talking about myself anyway. plus money... i really wasn't keen on the matter. i didn't think i had that kind of time. so, i was referred to a certain website of questionable legality where i could order hormones for myself. rather impulsively, i went for it.

i didn't want to tell my parents. i didn't want to tell my family. i didnt think they'd understand. if it meant being happier with myself, i'd resolved to just cut them off entirely anyway. i'd find a place to move out to, i thought, by the time that effects started showing. i'd make it work. this was naive.

and in the first place, it never had a chance because my mom actually intercepted the package i ordered when it arrived-- apparently a box from new zealand is out the ordinary??? nonsense. anyway i was super evasive about it and made up some lie to cover it and she made me send it back and i was a Sad. in retrospect, this was probably a good thing. the friend who had referred me to that site got in some trouble for it later on and wasn't able to transition fully... i sincerely think that that is a major component of why she chose to take her own life.

my girlfriend at the time was pretty critical in the matter. i had actually told her some time in the past-- which lead to her breaking up with me. eventually we got back together and she was an irreplacable support for me. especially as i was first transitioning, she lent me a lot of clothes and helped me shop for other ones, which was huge for the sake of getting me started.

eventually i had to accept the fact that i'd have to at least tell my mom if i wanted things to work out. she had always told me she'd support me if i was gay-- but this was a bit different. i didnt think she'd be ready for it. i wasn't wrong. when i finally came out to her i was able to in no small part because my girlfriend was there with me. my mother didn't really take it well at first. she started crying-- and saying some less than helpful things. but it became clear that she was mostly concerned for my safety above all else... in the weeks following she did some reading on the matter and came around to it fairly well. i was surprised.

my girlfriend and i eventually broke up. the bottom line was i was way too uncomfortable with myself to continue being intimate, and that didn't work for her. it was a nasty break, but the harsh end encouraged me to just go full time. i'd seen that i wasn't going to be happy with myself otherwise. but i had a year and so of classes in uni left, and i was -all- kinds of nervous about it. the advantage that i had was that for the past 2-3 years, i had talked to barely anyone on campus at all. i had been really uncomfortable with myself, so i just avoided everyone... meaning nobody knew me. i wouldn't have to worry about being recognized at all.

... except for by those from my on-campus job. although i knew my employers were the type who would have supported me, our clients were the type who absolutely would not have-- so i made the choice to withdraw. i found a job at a tea shoppe in my neighborhood instead. it was family owned and i made sure the owner supported me beforehand. i often felt out of place there-- but it may have just been the dysphoria (and my boss, despite being supportive, was a very Intense person which totally didnt help at all)... nevertheless, it got me through.

thanks to that, i was able to afford therapy. i found therapists known specifically for gender therapy just so i could get the letter to a physician to approve HRT. i picked the closest one and started meeting with her ASAP. i was really more interested in the letter than actual treatment there, but even so for the most part, i found that i just needed to answer honestly and it worked out fine. the therapist had some key points to ensure before approving me-- first, that i had experience living full time. check. second, that i could come out to my family-- not so check.

she and my mom eventually convinced me to come out to my grandmother, and my father. i felt the rest of the family would be fairly "sure, whatever" about it, but those were the two i was most worried about. i came out to them both by email. my grandmother is a classic right wing christian-born trump-supporting ol' gal, and she is also very particular about how she prefers people and matters of the family to be. ...but defying all expectation, she accepted it without any hesitation, and expressed some amount of disappointment that I didn't feel like I could trust or rely on her for that kind of thing in the first place. So okay, point taken. To this day she still struggles with remembering to use the correct pronouns, but we have kind of a running joke with it... at one point she messed up and she was just like "oh! shucks, just call me Harold." misgender for misgender i guess. still awkward when it's in public-- but kind of funny, and i know she means well.

then there was my father. his initial response to my email was basically a brief paragraph refuting the reasons i'd justified being trans with, and telling me why, in psychological terms, they probably were not actually the case. but frankly that was about what i expected. he and i have been rather distant, and he was not the most accepting or open kind of person in the first place. later that summer we met for the usually one time per year we typically get to see each other. he asked me what i wanted for my birthday. i told him that the only thing i wanted was for him accept me for who i was. he got me a 3DS instead.

but he eventually quietly came around though, i think. to tell the truth intimate discussions are not something we really have so it's hard for me to know his true feelings-- but at the least he goes along with it.

then there were just classes. i hadn't changed my legal name yet so i was still on the roster with some wrong information. so on the first day of class, i pulled each teacher aside and explained my situation to them. the campus policies were in my favor, so they had to oblige when i asked them to refer to me appropriately. fortunately they all seemed very understanding about the matter. i'm lucky to live in a city like this after all. i was able to reach out to other students a little more that year. at the least, i had a few people i could have considered friends, even if i never saw them out of class. but avoidant habits are hard to break. in the end, i graduated without making any lasting connections from university. i would chose not to walk at my graduation ceremony, for the obvious reason.

at some point during that school year my therapist finally approved me to transition. god bless. after reviweing the options i decided to get my hormones from planned parenthood. did you know planned parenthood offers transitioning hormones??? i sure didn't. anyway pls no defunderino thx.

and then i found something out-- i was under the impression that, of course, i wouldn't be able to have biological kids after surgery, but i had not known that HRT would rule that out as well. i wasn't really sure if i wanted to-- and even now i'm ambivalent. but i figured i should leave the door open for it. so despite being approved, i paused everything and took some time and a lot of money dear god what, to store cells for the future in case i ever do decide i want kids. that ended up taking frankly way too long. when it was over with i jumped back on that HRTrain ASAP.

the process of changing names was... tedious, and drawn out, but ultimately unremarkable. there were various forms to fill out and turn in and state regulations, fees, gotta visit this office except jk that's the wrong one try this one except jk that's the wrong one too try this one except jk does this office even actually exist???? and eventually i had to stand in front of a judge and hope he approved it. he took one look at the forms and approved it without even announcing the reason (as i saw him do for other people there) so that was really considerate of him. i was ready with like a full essay in defense, but in the end it was totally okay.

as for the HRT... i mentioned before i felt like i was always getting worse, you know, right? of course due to the nature of hormones, after i started taking them it would be a couple weeks before they kicked in... but it was an immediate improvement for me. from the first night, it completely turned around. everything was getting worse-- no. from then on, it was always going to get better.

oh... and there was one more place i forgot i had to come out to... reborn. people online always "mistook" me for a girl anyway, and that was always a huge compliment to me. so i think a lot of people weren't really surprised. the most awkward thing was actually... my in-game character. the game was already four episodes in or so and i had just used my generic custom trainer sprite from the site generator before for the intro... haha, it's a little silly, but for a long time i had just been editing it a little bit by bit to make it more feminine. it was a little too long before i actually completely replaced it.

...anyway, that was the start of things. beyond long-winded, but hopefully some of it can help somehow. honestly before and after transitioning is really like night and day, so hang in there. i promise it'll be worth it, and you'll surprise yourself in ways you'd never expect.

#here internet why dont you just have my entire life story while we're at it #the-astral-clocktower #ask ame

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resbang-bookclub · 8 years ago

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AMA Transcript: In The Silence I Hear You

Recently, @skadventuretime, @eerna (JoKay on Discord) and @amberlehcar stopped by to chat about their 2016 Resbang, In The Silence I Hear You! Here’s some of what went down:

Q: Okay, first of all thanks for single handedly getting me to finally watch YLIA lol! My question to madi is, what was the inspiration behind soul's nightmares? Because that was something I noticed was different from the source material! I mean, they were there but yours were way more nightmarish and horrifying lol! (That is absolutely a compliment by the way.) What made you go that route?

madi: ahahaha 1) You're very welcome, that anime Ruined me and one of the first things I did after watching it and Soul Eater around the same time was look for the AU, because surely it had to be a thing. When it wasn't, I was like welp, I know what I must do. As for the nightmare inspiration, it was part Soul having them in canon and part just what sort of came out of me as I wrote. It wasn't planned per se. I tended to sort of let what happened happen at those parts and just intuited nightmares there, though I did sort of intentionally have them stop as he began to open up to Maka more.

Q: I would like to know how Jo determines how many sparkles to put in an art piece for maximum heartbreak.

JoKay: Simply. I just really love sparkles and let them do whatever they want in my work.~~ BD

madi: OkAY. CAN I JUST FIRST SAY MY FAV THING ABOUT JO'S ART. Because the way she did the mirroring is incredible. Like, this is my desktop background. They go together so well:

Q: Favourite moment in the fic or about the art?

madi: I think my favorite moment was writing Soul beginning to get through his block. I ended up having a lot of fun with the over-the-top synesthetic music bits and that part was very heartfelt for me.

JoKay: Favourite moment in the fic: the hospital visiting. I wanted to illustrate it really badly and ranted to Madi like. For days. About all the ideas I've had. It was heartbreaking but colorful and vivid, and the way Madi writes the two is just.... ahhhhhIhhhHHHH

madi: And like, Jo paid attention to the little details?? ? ?? Like, his tie isnt tied there. I just threw in some little bit about how he thought his tie would be crooked since Maka wasnt there to help him and ladjglkdsfg. I forgot about it tho til I saw her art.

JoKay: You threw in so many little details that struck me and I thought "YES I WANNA MAKE THIS A PART OF THE PICTURE SOMEHOW"

Q: Care to talk a little about your process? What program do you use?

JoKay: Sure! I start off with rereading the text I want to illustrate about ten times. I die a bit and try to remember the feeling to capture it. I make a traditional pencil sketch. For the Maka picture I had to take some references of myself with a violin, which... took a long time to get right haha. Next I take a picture of the sketch and do lineart in an app called MediBang Paint on my Samsung. I choose a color palette, pick the bg color, and put down basic colors. I shade, then add multiply and overlay layers to add lighting, and this is where the final palette and overall feeling gets formed. And then, best for last, the sparkles! Which usually take 3-4 layers, depending on opacity I want.

Q: This was a difficult read (in the best way); what scene/scenes did you find most difficult to write?

madi: I ended up going back and rewriting a good chunk of the beginning third of the fic around November/December because it just wasnt getting at what I wanted, tone or writing quality-wise. I have a ~12k doc of dumped/scrapped stuff from this. /cries. But specific scene wise, hm. I agonized a bit over the hospital scene with Spirit a little, because I wanted that to hit a certain kind of helpless sadness where there is nothing you can do to fix anything.

Q: This had such emotional depth to it and lots of moving pieces of grief and accurate descriptions of guilt/grief that hit me hard. Was it hard to write something so emotional and was it as much of an emotional journey writing as it was reading?

madi: I guess, well. writing for me, and I think a lot of people, can be a very intimate look at who a person is, and I think that's where the guilt/grief came from. I tend to internalize a lot of that stuff, especially with the grief/regret/wistfulness, so I think that's where all that came from. And it's funny, it wasnt hard to write in the moment, as I was listening to a bunch of ridiculous music and yelling at/with Bones about her Resbang at the same time, but looking back I can definitely see a journey and it was as much because of the friends I made during this process as much as the act of writing. [For example], around the part where maka dusts off the piano, Bones came in with some Real Piano Experience and helped me understand what actually goes into that and how long it'd take for things to actually lose tone, etc. and I was like, heck, i didnt think about that, having not played a classical piano. Moral of the story is this is why betas are gr9. It's fucking sappy as shit, but it's true. I learned sO much about not just writing, but also life and irl shit from my betababes. Part of my Process turned out to be letting Bones throw me all sorts of cognitive dissonance shit and terrorize me with very emotional music, and then I'd mix a drink and get to it. I stg it felt like I was tripping balls when I wrote most of the music scenes, tipsy and listening to BT. (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HyGf2mTP2_Y).

Q: That golden swoop in her dress on the right side is what really kills me. That exiting feeling.

madi: So fun story: Jo sent me her second piece a few days before posting and I legit teared up.

JoKay: Handkerchiefs all over the place.

madi: All. Over. I also tried to sort of avoid the awkward love triangle in the anime bc i didnt feel like it really fit SoMa. Also, this is what me and Jo's convos looked like a lot towards the end:

Q: Adverb gate time?

madi: To explain adverbgate, basically, Bones came in and 1) made me realize I overused adverbs 2) this led to me realizing oH by not using them and applying better characterization things, all is better than the first time. I told all my betas, and part of the reason I asked who I asked, [was for them] to not hold back and if they saw something they thought was off or whatever, to tell me and not worry about hurting my feelings because i was in this to improve and learn. I'd much rather have it done like this, because now I really feel like I learned a lot and got better. Bones went from the 98 edits in chap 1 or 2, to 4 [edits] in the last one. And one of them was this: http://imgur.com/R3L4S9b

Q: I wanna know Amber, what made you decide to do a VA project? It turned out so freakin well and you guys were so good T.T

JoKay: The VA was so perfect, I teared up a bit. Beautifully done.

AmberLehcar: I was an amateur voice actor on YouTube prior to joining tumblr (good luck finding anything I was in though. /cries) And I'm a competitve asshole so I was like "I'm gonna be different."

Q: Anything in particular that made you choose that specific scene to do?

AmberLehcar: I asked Madi right away what she wanted. And it wasn't even written yet when I asked lol.

madi: Like, okay, when she sent me the first clips, I was blown away because they sounded better than over half the English dubs I've seen. Yeahhh I uh, I could have been more on top of things. But I knew that scene was gonna be in there and it sounded like the kinda emotional moment that would be good for her project, so I wrote that scene out of order.

AmberLehcar: I love it, it's so good. Madi was there while Brian was recording. She's a director now :3 She heard all the ridiculousness.

madi: You guys were soooo gooood! And your puppy, ahhhh. I still have that laugh track, too.

AmberLehcar: My pup wanted to be a star. I was so nervous [that] the piano bit was so bad people would hate it. It dragged so long. In writing it works so well. Listening, though...

madi: Man, you captured the transition well tho, of him slowly finding his sound and no longer needing to hear it through her.

AmberLehcar: Playing badly and repeating playing badly is tough, dude, so I'm glad it worked nicely.

Q: Did you make a public playlist of the stuff you listened to?

madi: OhH yes, yes i did /slinks off. Not fully included on there is the copious amounts of BT and Stuntin Like Mufasa I chainsmoked: https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLhw3nWRXdsh-jPe7SXHPy-NOT4-PtY1yt. I also feel obligated to note that Bones did play a p important role not only as beta, but as general conspirator/friend and writing mentor, and being free with her music trenchcoat.

Q: Jo, do you have any art/style/artist inspirations?

JoKay: Yeah! Artists that make my inspiration wander could be found on tumblr as viria, lukrecious, loish, mormoc, also IG mizymiyajima and cyarine. IRL I live for Alphonse Mucha's work.

Q: I feel like we should put an honorable mention for amanda's and zxanthe's contribution.

madi: YES, ZXANTHMANDA'S COVER OF HALLELUJAH WOUNDED ME SO PLS LET IT WOUND YOU: http://zxanthe.tumblr.com/post/157041732943/so-in-honor-of-skadventuretimes-resbang-in-the.

Q: How often do you draw, outta curiosity jo? I remember it being A Lot, but...

JoKay: Depends? If I'm not too busy with school I can make pages worth of sketches a day.

madi: Dark Jo, your sketch books are amazing.

JoKay: Madi, if you saw them, you'd change your mind. They're a hellhole of faint traces of suffering teens and stupid decisions.

Q: Are you working on anything else now Jo? What is on the Horizon?

JoKay: SfTF is the only fic in my opus! Idk I just don't feel confident to write anything else...

madi: (It is a Noragami MMA AU type deal >:))

JoKay: As for paintings... boy does The Lunar Chronicles' fandom have some stuff in store for them once I find the time. I will save up for a proper tablet soon, so that will be a new beginning for me.

madi: Man, the world isnt ready.

madi: I would also attribute this Resbang to teaching me that I apparently can't listen to tone-appropriate music while doing a scene, so that was a learning curve. I ended up with a bunch of upbeart mashups/disney rap during the sad scenes. Like this: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YdSo1oY_GB4

JoKay: It was fun talking to all of you and listening to more behind-the-scenes discoveries of this great fic~

madi: I also wanna take a sec to be sappy again about everything I learned throughout this process from my partners and betas. Y'all are super swell.

Thanks to the creators for stopping by! That ends our AMA Transcripts for the Resbang season - thanks for reading and congrats to all of this year's Resbang participants :) We'll see you all in 2018!

#AMA transcripts #resbang #rbbc #In The Silence I Hear You

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books-and-pizza-della · 8 years ago

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Sherlock 4.1 Spoilers - Rant

Wow. That was just awful. and this contains detailed spoilers, you have been warned.

It started out okayish, although I just dont buy the whole “Sherlock loves Moriartygames sooooo much” deal combined with the personality they jave established for him, especially since they started to make him grow as a person through past episodes… but I’ll put up with it as a premise.

But what i will not forgive is how badly they screwed up the writing of the premise they settled on.

- first time we hear code word ammo is from a British chick they are saving, but Mary’s best bud bro guy, who has been her intimate spy partner family for years, just assumes she is the only British chick that could have betrayed him?

- he puts the usb thing into a bottomless statue, as someone watches, then replaces statue without affixing it to the inside, and somehow, what, it doesn’t just fall out, plus the person who later fills in the bust doesnt notice it, or does but decides to tuck it in nicely so it gets plastered into place?

-a factory tracks exactly who buys their tchotchkes? and makes only six of them?

-mary gives sherlock a sedative that goes into the air visibily, from not an envelope but a single folded sheet of paper, which is enough to incapacitate the larger person standing four feet away but it does not affect her? evem if the visual was for effect, and it was transmitted by touch, she had bare hands.

-she didnt wipe or take his laptop, nor find out if he had made another copy of the drive

-she left behind unprotected hostages for spyguy to find?

-where is the baby while they are in morocco? how long was mary gone? seemed like a few weeks. how long did john and sherlock wait for her? are we to assume molly is taking a leave of absence to babysit? they never established her as a domestic person you could trust with a baby but apparently she is, now.

-the little old lady was holding a purse, knowing she had gotten caught. neither the brilliant deductionist nor the super spy thought of this, even as she picked up the purse?!?!

-mary can jump faster 2 feet sideways than a bullet can travel 12 feet forward? after processing time, where she realizes the lady has pulled the trigger?

-where was she hit? under the boobs, conveniently. no heart for sure. no lungs, based on her blabbing. liver? pancreas? stomach? none of those spell instant death. so blood loss? she didnt even bleed out a cup of blood, it didnt make it past 6" circle on her shirt. it should have been seeping at least, dripping or gushing more realistically, and ended up soaking her entire shirt and pants and messing the floor.

-oh look, her husband has arrived. he is a COMBAT MEDIC ffs. gunshot wound EXPERT, AS HIS [old] JOB. he does not make her lie down. does not ask for ambulance. does not find something to apply pressure. Just assumes she can’t be saved and sits there listening to her energetic monologue as she sits there.

-nobody else in the damn room calls for a medic either. wtf people.

-personality they have set up and my knowledge of people tells me that john is going to blame himself. nooooope. he is busy hating sherlock…. why? because if it weren’t for him mary would… what. be alive? since sherlock was only there bc he was fixing something mary was mixed up in? i mean i know grief messes with your logic, but john takes away his closest friend when he needs sherlock as the only person who also knows about Mary? so lame.

-while we are on john and blame… did he consummate the other relationship offscreen, or were we shown all of it (texts only) and he just has a guilty conscience over that? i was guessing the latter…. but it’s stupid they didn’t make it clear. also why? he was in good with mary, just had a baby that he equally helped care for (not like mary ignored him for the baby and he felt left out) and so he would have been too busy for an affair. that is the weirdest timing to “need” the pumped up ego from an affair, it just doesn’t make any sense.

there is probably more that I’m forgetting, but I’m not going to watch the stupid thing again to find out. i dont know how the writers turned their brains off so thoroughly.

oh and the burned son mystery solution was such a stretch.

blergh. much better when they were letting conan doyle write and they only interpreted it. I’m not eager for future episodes.

#spoilers #sherlock #season 4 sherlock #season 4 #rant #complaining

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frankthomas090-blog · 7 years ago

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abby winter yoga - The New Angle On Abby Winters Lesbian Porn Just Released

In town for a bit on business, he wants to have some casual fun. 5 inches and THICK- his emphasis. Hes at the top end of length for my preference, but self describing it as thick got my attention. Sometimes theres just an instant connection or chemistry, drawing you in so fast with a new person you just kind of dance around the usual screening process.

Described his cock as 7. Average height, better than average build, green eyes. Hes my age, 31, but with the right combination of personality and body- I can look past it. Gimme that thick dick. This Ginger was respectful and straight to the point from the get-go on Plenty of Fish. Hes former Army- he had a pic up in his dress uniform. He sends me his number, we text briefly, and make the plan to meet that same day.

I appreciated his ability to be direct without being rude or vulgar. I like em young and hung! Also, I give it a 95% hes well endowed- orange is the new Black. At no point did he ask for nudes, or ask endless intimate questions- I give it a 50/50 chance of being a satisfactory encounter given our lack of communication beforehand, but I cant resist a Ginger to save my life.

He passed with flying colors. Im telling you, this isnt rocket science. I feel my lady business respond immediately. In our very brief texting we went over our Dos and Donts, as well as both agreeing we like aggressive AND passionate sex. Dont ever forget that.

The way hes kissing me I can already tell this will likely be a very good encounter. " Its early afternoon, what a great way to spend it. Upon his arrival I am freshly showered, bed is made, and Im wearing t-shirt that says "MEETS OR EXCEEDS EXPECTATIONS. He sits next to me, we awkwardly exchange hellos, and then he moves right in to kissing me. Not overly eager, not sloppy, makes you want it right meow.

Hes not pushing my body down while shoving his tongue down my throat. He starts lifting up my shirt after pawing me and groping for the goodies- having discovered my nipples are pierced and briefly sucking them, its time for layers to come off.

He peels his layers off as Im taking mine off and comes right back to mauling me so expertly I couldnt resist. Hes kissing me like hes excited to see me, and hes real good at it. Hes maneuvering me onto my back while he takes a top position.

Moving his head lower he pulls my panties off but with such reckless abandon theyre still on my left leg. Good kissers are also known to be good lovers, from my observation. Youre taking your clothes off, too. I dont recognize the alphabet hes writing, maybe its Spanish.

The moment he kisses my thighs its all over. His eagerness to put his mouth on my slit is palpable. He didnt just dive face first into my nonsense salad- first he ran his tongue up my outer labia on both sides and it felt soft and gentle and GIVE ME MORE. Fuck God sounds totally different when Im cumming and yelling nonsense. Right around now is where I learned Im actually bilingual, but whatever language I was stuttering out can only be whispered or shouted; theres no in between.

Oh my god hes licking my asshole- I have sex Tourettes. Do you think Jesus and God can tell youre not swearing AT them? he pushes my legs up and licks up and down, then just down. I can barely take it, stretched to maximum capacity for comfort, and even then hes mildly uncomfortably large. And it consists mostly of very short, hostile sounding 4 letter words.

DONT STOP, DONT STOP, DONT STOP. Once he was done tracing and teasing I felt the warm, wet touch of his whole mouth open around my clitoris, moving his tongue in ways I cant imagine or describe. Holding my body close to his and pushing his hips up into me, my limbs instinctively wrap around him like a slutty octopus. His length is perfectly spot on- any longer and he just wouldve www.abby winters.com been too much.

GOD DAMN YOU HAVE A BIG DICK. Pushing my limits for size, I question if my lungs have enough room to inflate fully while hes all the way inside. Id put him right around 7 inches in length, my preference being 6.

With my pelvis lifted to the right level, hed shove his tongue in me as my insides start to contract with the orgasm. Literally cumming on his tongue. For sure hes wearing the biggest condom commercially manufactured, or a trash bag. My hips would buck but his arms would find their way around them and hold them in place, while my legs stretched upward trying to walk on the ceiling. We didnt transition out of missionary, he sat up and spread my legs wide while plunging into me with force and conviction.

He rolls on a condom and pushes himself inside me- my eyes rolled back so far I saw memories from my childhood. I sound maybe like a dying rabbit as my fingers pull his short hair and hold his head firmly in place. I didnt keep count, I was much too busy screaming his praises to the Gods.

He gets his and we collapse away from each other. As soon as I begin to cum, back go the legs, down goes the head, and hed ride my climax on his face. When I would start to climax, hed withdraw quickly and push my legs up around my head. He puts his underwear back on and Im guessing hes leaving now, sad times, but then he hops back onto the bed and I take the opportunity to snuggle up into his armpit and touch on his body while I bask in the afterglow.

He does this for every single orgasm. Im wrapped around him and mostly content. I cant get my mouth around it right, my hand doesnt wrap around it. Its awkward to handle, do I need a license? I feel like my certs are out of date because this newfangled cocktraption is just outside of my scope of experience.

Good Lord, who taught you to do that? I gift him my mouth because hes more than earned it. I could definitely go for more, but hes not some 20-something with endless stamina. He pounds away at me from different positions, I like him behind me because I like his stroke and how he braces himself by holding my hips down. Clearly he gets most of his satisfaction from pleasing his lady.

Im not going to argue, and somebody has been listening to my thoughts and dreams again because this man was made in a fucking lab just for me. The sun goes down around 4pm right now so thats not a good indicator either. what even is time, man. Im amused I come across that way- Im all about those afterglow cuddles.

Between our rounds we break for cuddles and snuggles- he confesses he assumed, from my profile on PoF, that he was to go after the first round and I wasnt much for affection or cuddling afterward. He enjoys the cuddles too, and doesnt like to just leave after a hookup unless thats her preference. Please me you thick dick Georgia peach!

Take care of your partner after you fuck them. He enjoys my head game but it just makes him want to fuck me. He gets off twice more and I have no idea how much time has passed. HOLD MEEEEEEEEEEE, pet my hair and tell me Im pretty. Fool I dont get to round 3 very often with men in their supposed prime, so whos more thrilled! Hes an intuitive partner and he reads my cues very well, plus he just wants to bring me all the pleasure.

Apparently he doesnt get to round 3 very often, and hes kind of thrilled about it. His size is intimidating and hes more shaped for vaginal feel goods. I like how he lays it down, and I like anal with the right partner. He admits hes never been able to have anal successfully, and I can understand why.

The way hes shaped, getting the head in is not the hard part- he gest wider towards the middle and base, like a fucking road cone. I dont doubt that hell follow my lead and respect my signals if things get too intense. The last time things started heating up Im on my belly and hes pressing the head of his monster cock on my asshole- Im doing word problems in my head about the likelihood of this being a good idea or not.

He apologizes for cumming too soon- I had to hold back my school girl giggle. He flipped me over and fucked me hard up until I told him to say my magic words. What a dear, sweet lover. He actually thought he owed me an apology after our FOURTH consecutive romp. Tell me you love fucking me. Ive got shit to do as well. 10/10 would fuck again.

I tell him point-blank Id like to see him again before he leaves, he happily agrees. We were unable to make it happen, he was just too big and we didnt do enough warmup, but I took about half of him before tapping out. He texts me asking what my plans are for the evening, as hed like abby winters galleries to grab a couple of beers and a late dinner.

Fast forward 24 hours. When posed with options like this, I always ask WHY NOT BOTH? I tell him Im going to shower and meet him at the restaurant bar near his hotel, he instructs me to bring my lube. I dont really do compromises. Or I could come over to his hotel room after and he could just fuck my brains out all night.

Maybe Id like to join him? In the time it took me to excitedly shower and keelhaul the warts off my body, my phone starts showing notifications of other interested men folk. The words fall out of his mouth and he explodes seconds later, to his own surprise. why end with a OR when theres always an AND?

He tells me I cant miss him at the restaurant bar- hes wearing a cowboy hat. (You thought that hyperlink went to the movie reference, didntcha? CANT TALK NOW, THICKEST DICK EVER WANTS TO TAKE ME TO POUND TOWN! Oh goody, I know what Im wearing later. Can honestly say hes a good one.

Test me, Ive got true grit. ) The company was great, hes fun to talk to. Cleaned up, its time for him to go he has things to do. As were leaving I ask how many Magnum XL condoms he has- he says 4. He confesses he doesnt generally have his lady spend the night because hes very affectionate and waking up next to someone hes spent the better part of the night pleasing, can lead to him having feelings.

We need to buy more, STAT. I feel like a teenager again. We talk about our kids, divorce, he tells me about his previous military experience, and what hes doing now. Rolling into Wal-Mart at that hour, with giant shit-eating grins on our faces, buying only condoms.

You think youre big, you aint big until you must have custom condoms. I get what youre saying, were gonna fool around and then I gotta GTFO. Sexy Ginger man with a good head on his shoulders and giant cock, somebody please snatch this man up quick haha or dont, and let him keep sharing that beautiful endowment with all the ladies.

Back to the hotel room, we barely make it to the bed and hes on me. Details from here are fuzzy, but he went down for ages and we fucked around in every position. Dont get it twisted; theres approximately 10 million condoms in my purse, but they wouldnt fit him. Remember, if youre hard to size on either end of the spectrum theres a UK company called TheyFit that you can enter your measurements into and theyll get you fitted with one of their 66 sizes.

We took a smoke break before trying www.abby winters yoga abby winters.com (linked site) again, and he tells me hes half Mexican. This perfect Ginger man is also a beaner. He was made just for me. While he was behind me licking and sucking my clit, shoving his tongue inside my pussy and my asshole, I hear the top of the lube bottle click. At some point I wore his Stetson when we come back inside, naked.

He positions himself at the backdoor and gently adds pressure until I whimper or tense up. Working together slowly, gently, following my vocal cues I take him to the base. Pushed to the hilt we pause. Its more than mildly uncomfortable, but if we take it slow itll feel great.

I can feel it cold and slippery, then hear him stroking it on himself. I swear to Kylie Minogue I cant make this stuff up. Im a little drunk- 3 drinks on a mostly empty stomach, Ill sit on your lap and call you Daddy if you want. He picks up the pace, we start talking dirty to each other. I have not been quiet at all during any of this, but now Im incapable of controlling the primal animal noises Im bleating into the bedding.

He was having some performance issues but was bound and determined to make sure I enjoyed our time as much as possible. I can feel him shaking a bit, hes going to cum soon. Its late, the booze and orgasms are sedating me.

Hes down close on me, wrapping his big hands around mine, entwining our fingers, crossing arms under my chin as he grinds into me. I tell him to withdraw slowly. I wake up hazily to roll over and his arms find their way around me again, hes a perfect big spoon. After several loud, amazing orgasms, he gets down close and pushes himself inside me all at once.

Rocking into me Im wrapped around him in my koala hug. Hes holding me and Im lost in it. I awake fully to him sliding down the bed, tossing my right leg over and burying his face in my morning pussy. Digging my fingers into his back and pulling his short hair, I dont want it to end. Im cold and reach for a sheet, he covers us immediately and Im back out like a light.

He slows down but hes plunging into me with the kind of force and quivering body that lets me know its now. Pushing my skirt up, pulling my panties to the side, he takes my box in his mouth and I hold on for dear life, staring up at the mirrored ceiling I get to watch myself almost cum in his mouth.

Morning sex was more passionate, and a bit briefer. Hes even kissing me with my dragon breath. We havent even hit the floor button yet. When we get to the ground floor we smoke together outside, recap our enjoyment with each other. My back hurts from how he so violently throws my legs back to eat my pussy while Im cumming, both my pussy and asshole are recovering from their respective stretching and beating, and Im walking on a broken toe.

We get dressed together, and he goes to walk me out but as soon as the elevator door closed he dropped to his knees. He tells me after two days with me, he wont be able to fuck for a week. God damn that was good. He reaches up, hits L, and continues his works. 10/10 would fuck any time. I am completely satisfied. This will happen one week from now, when he has free time again.

I scamper home to sit on frozen bags of peas, pound water, and cuddle all my pillows. tt/2i9A4Cy /u/DDfnord Link is directly to this story http://ift. This entry on my sex blog has hyperlinks, if youd like to see it in full I write on WordPress and the blog name is All The Dicks.

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