#it was just a short time but horrific
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From writing today -
(Generation Chapter 70)
"I was afraid they’d cut me apart… it felt like it—but it was also this… horrible shame—I wished I could hide from them, but they were cutting into not just flesh but—” He laid his hand on his heart. “And I was so afraid they’d do even worse…. They’d take what I’d never give to them—and their hands were already claiming me, their hands, slimy with my blood—” His eyes darted to her. “Sorry. You don’t want to hear this.”
“It’s okay,” she said, although she abhorred the description; she had to fight not to see Jason lying there as well. It was her worst nightmare—what they might be doing to him—and they’d already done it to Saul. It wasn’t unreasonable to expect the same.
And Jason had been with them for over a week.
#writing#fanfiction#generation spoilers#connie kendall#saul amir#torture#blood#trauma#recovery#it was just a short time but horrific#it was not the worst but. doesnt mean it wasnt . awful
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more historical fiction needs to be set in ww1. bonus points if you fag it up
#every time i check historical fiction books its like the year: 1943 and like OK geez#either ww2 era or like the 60s or 20s or some shit#can i PLEASE get a story set in the goddamn trenches of verdun thats mean and nasty about killing characters#sorry theres no easy “bad side” in that war ?? make the bad side the governments cuz thats what it was#my god. can i read about our protag watching some guy die horrifically from a gas attack#and then fuck one of the other soldiers to find any form of intimacy+comfort#read one book set in ww1 but it focused mainly on the russian revolution. still a good one i love u martha hall kelly#but they made this one random dude enlist in the air force and i was SURE he was dead walking corpse u know#but he SURVIVED i was mad. kill this bitch#pilots at a certain point in the war i wanna say 15-16 had such short life expectancies KILL HIM !!!!!#anyway if u have recommendations of queer ass ww1 books i will take them please and thank u#dont even have to be queer just want some all quiet on the western front type shit
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everytime i feel bad and stressed about my life i remember that i might be in a troubling situation and having a bad time but im not season 4 fiona gallagher in the clink after leaving crack on the counter which my 3 year old baby brother happened to ingest resulting in a fatal near-death experience thats wracked me with never-ending guilt and forever altered my life
#this storyline was stupid you expect me to believe two-apples-tall liam gallagher came close to the crack AND managed to ingest it?#the crack which is lined up on the kitchen counter?#Also i don't believe that fiona would be irresponsible enough for liam to have been able to be close to the crack#that was an ooc moment and not like “its ooc cause thats the point shes going thru a tough time”#morelike “so ooc that it seems like a discrepancy that was overlooked for the sake of drama and shock value#as an older sister i feel like being watchful of your younger sibling if crack is in their general vicinity is an unstoppable instinct#its just not a plausible situation sorry like this is coming from someone who wholeheartedly embraces the realistic idea#of fiona falling short sometimes and being very human by struggling to consistently maintain her doting attentiveness#but anyways it's complicated cause Fiona clearly put it somewhere he cant reach#so how did he get access to it????#its like getting mad at a parent for putting a glass of wine on the counter#not comparing that to literal cocaine obviously this whole situation was nonetheless messed up#but just for some perspective... the writers were clearly doing cocaine themselves if they thought that#liam was bungee-jumping onto the counter and showing off his skills as an apparent budding olympics gymnast#not justifying anything but. listen.#the fact that it was on the counter FOR A REASONNN shows that fiona was careful to keep it out of reach and NOT do something insane like#putting it on the table#liam somehow magically having access to it defeats the purpose of it being on the counter.#if they really wanted for it to be believable that liam managed to snort it they should've put it on the table#but we already know that situation wouldn't be believable in its entirety cause we know that fiona would literally never leave it there#WHICH IS MY POINT. LIKE THIS SITUATION IS JUST ANNOYINGLY UNBELIEVABLE. FIONA WOULD NOT DO THIS AND HOW DID LIAM EVEN GET TO IT??#theres like 39482939 overlooked discrepancies just for the sake of getting to the shock#just to circle back Fiona would literally never let liam go near crack no matter how far gone and fucked up she was#I KNOW THIS BECAUSE I AM AN OLDER SISTER.#its just so UGHHHHH anyways obviously i still think in canon yeah Fiona was at fault shouldve been more careful and watchful#no matter how you look at it its clear that a risk like this just cannot be taken and she had to be blamed to an extent#but me personally? i reject it because it didnt feel natural to me at all there were 394939 other ways to frame a Fiona downfall#And i loved all the other ways her spiral was shown like getting messed up and ending up in Sheboygan#all the shit she got into with robbie + the impulsive urge to ruin the good thing she had going with mike#so human and believable and deeply flawed unlike the liam situation which was horrifically OOC and unrealistic
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no one:
absolutely no one:
windshield wipers on a rainy day:
#it’s 5.30 in the am. i’ve been sleeping for the whole day yet im still tired he y — i wish it was raining bc it’d be prime sleep weather lol#either way i found this gif in my album so y’all have to look at it and remember the horrific repaint ‘dance’ too—#idk why i even have it though help has it appeared on a post somewhere before or…?#um. anyway! remind me to clean my aircon’s filters some time this week if the weather’s hot (like it almost always is)#i wanna get that over with so that i dont have to risk my neck tiptoeing on the top step of my ladder to reach ‘em during my ‘break’#i wish i could just pinch and drag a little square somewhere diagonally above my head to increase my size like a doc-pasted jpg#i wanna be 2 metres tall!!!!!!!!! (<-is 51cm too short for that)
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Hey this just in? Ptsd sucks balls
#Oversharing on the internet times#Ptsd#-10/10 don't recommend#Ugh#Need my brain scrubbed and shaken out#I would like a new one please and thank you#I promise I won't let this new one be tortured I'll be extra careful#Love how my subconscious has decided that I'm just the worst person on earth all my dreams lately are like#Hey what if you were monstrous? What I'd you personally committed horrific acts against other human beings?#Let's explore that reality in hd#These aren't even the fun nightmares where I can convince myself I'm not seconds from throwing up they were so bad and can decode them#And do dream work with them#Those nightmares always end up having really cool symbolism and are helpful in deeply deeply meaningful ways#I am willing to suffer those nightmares I have made my peace with them it's like a game almost#These ones just shake me up for fucking days and become a never ending spiraling cycle ugh ugh ugh#It's like my intrusive thoughts were made I to a TV show fuck#Me: slightly rude to my gf#My brain: what if you were the same level as evil as rapist#Me: great I'm going to throw up and claw my skin off and have a panic attack thank you brain that was super fucking helpful#The way that my brain is convinced that I'm evil actually is sure is....#Well. It. It seems like my brain learned to abuse myself that it's doing the work of my torturer for her ten years down the line#Mm. Hate that thought a lot actually going#....I was actually going to keep these tags fairly short I wanted this post to be a vague haha ptsd sure is something post and not#Spill my guts in the tags again but what else is new have done this for years so whatever
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Dissociation is so protective. I do love it at times. Whatever seemed to be bothering me in the month of October or hell, even 3 days ago? It all seems like a foot note now.... drugs help speed up the mind-scrubbing process too.
#thinking about that dynamic i had with that online penpal btw that i cut off 2 days ago but feels like 2 months ago#he would treat me like a clinical mena health study object#he would ask about my alters and theorize about what archetype they are which was very. weird looking back#i cant lie that I did learn a lot from that short... online friendship.#learned that the amount of times i split isnt normal for example#or the “architect” archetype which rhere is not much literature on... i suppose its rare#he was horrifically abusive to someone and that person was brave enough to warn me.....#i feel like she saved me#bc if someone ever treated me that way again.. the things he said to her... id honestly break down....#it was very abusive. words cant describe. its so evil words can't even explain#if you use someones childhood trauma to purposefully dysregulate them... you are evil. full stop#im grateful she warned me... shes cutting him off too. i hope she will be okay#bruh. discord drama just came to a whole other level. what a weird month October was. im glad its over.#November is a month of cleansing. i guess#ive been burning my palo Santo incense regularly and bring my selenite crystal w me a lot#they clear negative energy and lots of negative energy has been released away this month#hard to not get whimsical and think my slight interest in.. pagan practices may have contributed#the logical side of me says no. you just got lucky. the crystal and incense has nothing to do w ur life clearing up recently#but let me stay whimsical...
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#🤡#sad boy stuff#I'm teetering dangerously close to my hw again and it's incredibly distressing#my b.e.d has been horrific and it's turning into bulimia again and I can't fucking do that anymore#cause the last couple times I've purged it led to me getting a sinus infection or some shit and that's miserable#gonna try fasting + cal counting again like I use to#It worked so fucking well before#looking at old pics of me is devastating. I can't believe my lw was 113 at one point#that was dangerous tho I'll be real#I just wanna be back at 130 that would be healthy#Cause I'm now in the ''obese'' range. Not even just 'overweight'' anymore :(#fuck being so short#simi speaks
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#had to unfollow a pretty popular and usually funny blog on here today#in retrospect I should’ve done it earlier but it sucked to see that post making fun/ hating on sainz’s underbite#leave his jaw alone that’s MY f1 diversity hire lol#no it’s not that serious but I have an underbite more noticeable than his and people made fun of it all the time#don’t do that not recommended#always funny when kids at school would be like ‘uh you know you need braces right?’ like yeah I know that. I need jaw surgery in fact 🧍♀️#but I’m not going to get it I hate going to the dentist for the braces anyways and it’s not like an actual Need need just what’s recommende#I dunno it sucks I should’ve unfollowed when the running ‘joke’ of their blog was calling people ugly#doesn’t help me with my current haircut too I already had super masculine features and now the short hair like I’m not a pretty person#and idc! <3#I've seen people with worse cases than mine like how badly do people treat them it must be truly horrific :/#like my teeth grew in the correct order so it was fixable with braces but there's people whose teeth overlap! and that's fine
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i feel like a jerk for this because it's people in need but I'm the other hand it's hard to check tumblr knowing I'm gonna feel like shxt because people. Aren't doing the basic thing of reading an all-caps blog description and respecting the boundaries laid out in said blog description. Especially when my ask button was labeled "read blog description" and.
#To make a long story short with shzt I have the right to not disclose to strangers: I don't have a healthy relationship with donation posts#And even signal boosting them . I had done it in the past a long time ago and it was actively detrimental for my mental health.#...mainly because it's always people talking about absolutely horrific life circumstances in them and like#Reading that. Every day. It isn't good for someone who feels things too hard. I feel things too hard.#I literally can't interact with these posts in a healthy way I just can't do it im sorry. I wish i could but it's not me who can.
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Also nausea update I think its basically gone 🥳 just say no to puking, kids, it works
#if id really needed it there was a bin bag on the bus pretty close by#but like it was one of those buses w stairs in the middle that go down to the toilet that the drivers get pissed at you for using#and the bag was like facing the steps#so not only would bolting to it have brought everyones attention to me puking (HORRIFIC concept)#i would have had to maintain perfect balance while puking lest i be thrown down the fucking stairs!!!!#oh well. alls well that ends well.#i had my chicken fillet roll i did my shopping at boots and i have like an hour until my appointment#which'll take liiike 15-20 mins to walk to. so ive oodles of time to just sit on this bench and chill :)#life is so beautiful#i should book my bus ticket back actually. will do that#still so pissed that they raised the price by 50c. you were supposed to be the peoples champion!!!!!#also im taking my handbag off to add to my butch swag. not that my handbag isnt hashtag manly#i like it but yknow. appearances important ^_^ < currently wearing khaki shorts. tesco button-up. inside-out fluffy socks. scruffy runners#speaking of butch actually an androgynous person in a casual black suit just walked past 👀... hiiiiiii#emeto#< for nausea talk
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haha... haha.... i was gonna tell my brother im queer but i just saw he had a paper with notes from a Christian sermon and yeah nvm
#long story short my family is heavily religious (and abusive im learning now as an adult)#and since my brother is an adult now and we've gotten closer (not super close but we hangout more often -which is just watching things-)#i thought i could finally tell someone and have blood on my side but ig not#theyre also horrifically homophobic and ofc transphobic. they deadname my cousin all the time
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the only decent gaiman books are neverwhere and his children's books and that's because his editors don't let him put sex in them
#seriously he talks all the time about how sex is so embawwassing uwu to write#then STOP writing it man because news flash despite all the practice you are REALLY BAD at it#we all know about the american gods vore vagina but some of his short stories are possibly even worse. just horrific shit#and misogynistic. every time. painfully so#fucking STARDUST opens with a terrible sex scene for some reason that doesn't suit the rest of the book at all lmao#some people should not write erotica. neil gaiman is perhaps the world's most notorious example.#txt
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I think everyone regardless of sex and gender and who doesn't belong to a culture where hair actually has a personal and/or spiritual meaning beyond shallow societal expectations dictating what an upstanding member of society should look like and that Mandate will be enforced by Peer Pressure, should buzz/shave all their hair off at least once in their lifetime. I don't know the statistics of "male pattern baldness" or alopecia or stress-induced hair thinning or post-partum hair loss or how many people are on chemo or other hair-destroying medications on any given time compared to the 8 billion+ human population of the Earth as a whole, but there is every chance that YOU–regardless of chromosomes or genetics or the overall health you have right now that you're convinced will last forever–will experience hair thinning, hair loss, or flat out baldness, and we need to disabuse ourselves that it's shameful or disgusting or unfortunate, and I think the best way to do that is to take matters into your own hands and take clippers to your hair just to get any possible anxiety over your hair's future out of the way now rather than dreading how you'll look as you grow older
#holy run on sentences Batman#hair#hair styles#buzz cut#balding#hair thinning#brittle hair#my hair thinned 'horrifically' as a child because of years on biologics and steroids needed to control my Crohn's#SOMEHOW i managed to survive but goddamn were the adults in my life constantly going on about what a shame it was that my hair was so thin#now i think hair is not worth the time and energy that my fragile body's finite energy reserves have to spend on it#so like on top of my haircare routine solely being scouring my scalp with aggressive anti dandruff shampoo#i just buzz it all off when i get tired of it#the first time i cut my hair short my mother went ballistic even tho i was eighteen by then#and the first time my roommate buzzed it down to a fraction of an inch i almost cried from joy#hair is hair#yes this post is inspired by the one i just reblogged about people freaking out over HRT-induced hair loss
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anyway things i still must do
1. brush teeth
2. eat probably.
3. switch clothes to dryer
4. the showers
#i can brush my teeth rn i shouldve b4. but im prooobably gonna wait until i switch the shits to the dryer#bc then i can umm. switch stuff brush teeth Chill and relax and be beautiful for 30 minutes then eat breakfast then my stuff modt.probably#will be ready 2 be out of the dryer andd then i will SHOWERS! yay#i probably should take off my clean clothes i had to wear them to put stuff in the dryer.#i havent worn such little clothing in AGES lol. its not anything crazy its judt shorts and a croptop#but normally i wear pants that Cover my feet and oversized shirts. bc of the dysphoria nd such#i will say my dad saying 'lol i didnt know you had legs XD' does not make me want to wear shorts ever again. out of spite. but whatever#I JUDT GET COLD and also i hate hate hate hate hate ppl seeing my body esp in motion. not even related to the Body issues and stuff#even when i was skinny it made my fucking skin crawl to know that ppl could see me. when i was just like. cooking in the kitchen#idk. idk how much ive talked abt it b4 but it stresses me out supremely that ppl can see my body move when im not consciously moving my body#in a certain way to be looked at#its not even a seduction thing or anything i dont thjnk i movemy body any differently when im Prepared to be watched vs not#aside from like. if im not i shake horrifically. like i always shake i have shaky hands favt of life but if im being watched its like.#borderline i cant do anything bc i shaje so much and have trouble breathing#its worse after wa tho. i genuinely had to run to my room in tears bc i started hvaing a panic attack several several times. LOL#but wtvr. its probably some deepseated issue its rly not 4 me to think abt.
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@staff LITERALLY CAN YOU MAKE THIS OPTIONAL INSTEAD THIS IS FUCKING ATROCIOUS, A CRIME ON HUMANITY. AS OF RIGHT NOW 89% ON THE SURVEY COLLECTIVELY THINK THIS IS TERRIBLE
how do you feel about the tumblr shop taking the place of the account tab on the mobile app?
please reblog after voting for a better sample
#reblogpotato#I’m seething too literally wTF#I’m too fucking angry#I opened the app went to click profile and long story short I’ve gone through every stage of grief at least 7 times#and had more than 1 complete breakdown I’m literally begging you remove this as soon as possible it’s disgusting#disgraceful and just there aren’t even words to describe how horrific a crime this is
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auhwuhug ive been windowshopping-slash-drooling over this really sleek new phone and i HAAATE doing this i hate the idea of getting a New Thing when i dont Need One it feels so wasteful but also ive been using the same phone since 7th grade and it IS getting slow and running out of space/compatibility with apps and features so im also like. maybe i am just due for an upgrade but also it isnt BROKEN its still USABLE just fine and id have to sort through all my stuff on what to save and what to delete and thats a hassle. but i keep just looking at this sleek cute design and how much the design has improved and its definitely just me being a nerd about cool tech but auwhauwghghghh its sooooo coooooool
#sorry this ramble is stupid i just . uwahhg. cool technology.... i love technology....... its so cute......#this is about the galaxy z flip 6 btw. im drooling over it its so sleek and neat#augh i love the design#and this is supposedly the first one in the flip line to catch up to the mainline galaxy specs? so its like Actually Really Good#im still wary about the inner screen though#like it creasing over time or getting scratched#hopefully by this iteration theyve worked out most of the problems so its not a horrifically short shelflife but. uhghhh
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