#it was actually kinda difficult choosing who to put where

[pied-pipers-assistant]

instead of finishing art i’m making shit posts 😴

i think i’m funny 💀

[4nicolas]

ROCK PAPER SCISSORS

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satoru gojo x male reader

-you and gojo were trying to decide where to eat but he insisted you picked, obviously you didn’t care so instead suggest a game. satoru agrees but puts his own twist on it.

cw - kissing ig, they’re kinda gay, gojo is bad at flirting

wrd ct - 1600+

this was made with male reader in mind but I don’t think the gender is specified.

this takes place during the hidden inventory arc before suguru geto left.

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the streets of tokyo weren’t ever this busy, I mean yeah obviously they were busy, but today as the people of japan walked the streets you and satoru can’t help but feel cramped. the two of you were practically pushed up against each other, shoulder to shoulder.

the two of you had just got back from a mission at an elementary school, easily exorcising the curses that lie dormant there scaring the children both you and gojo were starving. who knew saving people could be so tiring!

wanting to get out of the crowd gojo grabs your hand attempting to pull you somewhere secluded, which was difficult because there were not only people in front of you but also surrounding you.

you could feel gojos growing annoyance as he shimmed in between men and women with you being dragged along behind him. you could hear gojo muttering small apologies as he practically shoved these people aside.

it felt like an eternity before you made it to an empty alleyway. “oh yeah, real smart bringing us to a creepy, dark alleyway, satoru” you poked at him. “aw cmon, you’re with the strongest sorcerer, no need to worry babe.” he smiled at you, and you couldn’t help but stare at him.

you felt your cheeks warm up a bit at the stupid pet name he used even though you knew it was a joke. he used those dumb nicknames on you all the time, you should be used to it by now, right?

shaking away your thoughts you zone back into what satoru was saying. “anyway, I doubt anyone would try and mug us or shoot us or whatever criminals do.” you shrugged at him, he was probably right but still, you could never be too cautious.

gojo suddenly clapped his hands together, grabbing your attention even more as if he already didn’t have it. “now, back to the matter at hand, where do you wanna eat?”

gojo started naming places, waiting for you to say one of his listed options. he was counting on his fingers and already listed surrounding eateries. you lack of response made him look up, blinking a couple times before waving a hand in front of your face.

“hello? earth to F/N?” you looked at him before speaking, “oh I don’t really mind where we eat, you can pick.” gojo hated when people said that. you knew this but still didn’t pay any mind to it.

satoru deadpanned you. you laughed at his reaction before sighing, “no but seriously, you can choose.” uhhmmm… no? he can’t. suguru chose last time, he chose the time before that and shoko chose the time before that. so it’s your turn.

he shook his head, almost in disbelief how you forgot the turn system. “it’s your turn.” “what?” he deadpanned you again. “the TURN system. you know where we all choose on different turns. and since suguru, me and shoko have went recently, it’s you turn.” he poked your chest, satisfyed with his response.

you laughed at him, “you actually keep track of that?” satorus silly habits always made you laugh. this reminded you of the time he got mad at principal yaga for assigning a mission to you and suguru when it was “clearly his turn to go on a mission with you” suguru didn’t care what happened and yaga eventually gave in to his demands, not wanting to wind him up even more.

satoru looked offended, “uhh, obviously I keep a track of it. how else will we know whose turn it is?” he was acting like this was common knowledge. you laughed again causing satoru to bounce back, “well how would you decide, F/N?” he crossed him arms over his chest.

you looked at him, contemplating what you would do, and as if a lightbulb went off in your head you snapped. “I know. I would probably just use the classic rock paper scissors. you know, winner picks.”

satoru squinted at you, seemingly dumbfounded by your choice of words. his arms drop to his sides and sighs, exaggeratingly so. “fineeee. i guess, we can do rock paper scissors.” you were about to be shocked by how easily satoru gave in before you heard a “but,”

you raised your brow at him. “-but best to three, loser pays, winner decides, AND-“ oh boy. “-every time we draw the same sign, we have the kiss.” now you really were shocked. your eyes widened at his sentence.

while you were still unable to respond, satoru slyly smiled. enjoying your look of shock and what he thought was flustered but he wasn’t sure. instead of responding you nod, “okay, alright then, best to three.” you raised your fist to your palm and satoru grinned.

he put his hand up to his palm opposite of you before he started counting down. three. two. one. you threw out scissors and looks at satorus hand to see rock. he beat you in the first round.

the both of you went again, going on the count of three before drawing out paper. you look up, seeing satoru also had paper. before you could react satoru chuckles, “well… you agreed to the rules F/N.”

satoru steps closer, inches away from your face. you can feel your body betraying you by making your face and the tips of your ears red. satoru stood in front of you, waiting for you to initiate the kiss.

hesitantly, you moved your face even closer to his, feeling his breath on your lips before closing the distance. the kiss was very short. basically just a peck. you backed away getting even more flustered.

you tried to hide it by jokingly wiping your hands across your lips. satoru simply watches, a shit eating grin on his face at your reaction.

“I mean it wouldn’t have hurt if the kiss was longer but.. whatever!” satoru smiled at you, his eyes creasing in the corners before putting his hands back up.

“it’s still 1-0 you know.” satoru spoke slightly dragging out the ‘w’. you raised your hands back up, getting ready to play again.

three. two. one. you threw out rock, satoru had scissors. 1-1.

satoru frowned for a moment, almost disappointed in the round. you thought nothing of it and continued on.

you both got ready to play again, putting your hands up. three. two. one. you had paper, satoru had rock. you won again, 1-2.

you began to felt nervous almost expecting there to be another tie that forces you to kiss gojo. the two rounds went by fast but all you could focus on was the quick kiss you both shared.

trying to shake your thoughts away, you raised your hands up, meeting gojos. three. two. one. you drew scissors, satoru drew rock. 2-2.

satoru hadn’t spoke in the past couple rounds instead focusing on his hands. you wanted to say something but nothing came to mind, instead you did the same as him, looking directly at your hands.

three. two. one. you looked at your hand seeing paper, and nervously looked up at satorus. rock. you had won, which meant you chose and he had to pay. which satoru saw as a win, he already wanted you to choose and planned on paying.

you let out a small breath you didn’t realize you were holding, looking back up to satorus gaze. he’s staring behind you. you turn around, not seeing anything before turning back to see satoru a few inches away from you, similar to when you kissed.

you both stayed silent, simply breathing before you broke the silence. “well I guess I won.” gojo smiles, glancing at your lips. “yeah, guess so.”

you went to back away from gojo but before you could even turn your head, his hand grabs your wrist.

not expecting the contact, you jump, looking at him. “what’s up with you today, man..?” you question him in a joking manner. he stays silent, observing you.

satoru sighs, dropping his hand from your wrist, disappointment crossing his features. he puts his hands in his pockets as you stare at him.

“what’s wrong?” your voice comes out in a joking manner but you both knew it wasn’t a joke.

satoru looks you in the eyes before looking up. “nothing, just thought you would’ve gotten the hint from that, but turns out not.”

you still weren’t quite grasping what he was saying, clearly stated by your confused look.

satoru sighs even louder than before and looks back at your face. “do I really gotta spell it out for you?”

you blink, once, then twice. trying to piece together what he was saying. how he agreed to play the game if there was a chance to kiss you, the way he frowned when you didn’t tie, the way he looked at you. hell, the way he’s currently looking at you.

as if tiny cogs were turning in your brain you suddenly felt like the dumbest person alive. satoru gojo was flirting with you. in his own weird way yeah but he was still doing it.

the stupid pet names, lingering glances, constantly wanting to be around you. you understood now that gojo liked you.

still staring, satoru started to walk past you but before he could you grabbed his wrist. “thanks for making me feel even dumber than I already am satoru.” you mumble, seeing him turn to you, face still before turning into a smile at your realization.

“well, actually you figured it out faster than suguru thought you would’ve.” ignoring his words you pull him towards you, smashing your lips together.

this kiss was longer than before, way longer. it went on until the two of you had to take a breath. satorus arms wrap around you, yours finding their way from his arms to his face before shaking your head.

“did you say suguru thought I would’ve took longer to figure it out?” satoru laughed, the two of you separating before making your way out of the alleyway.

“it’s a long story, in fact we can talk about while we eat. speaking of which where are we eating?” gojos hand held yours as you walked, unsure of which direction to go in unless you named where you were going.

“oh right.”

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yoo no way, nick made his first post. how crazy is that. anyway i’m having jjk brain rot rn and really wanted to write. here’s something I threw together real quick. hope someone enjoys it.

[skufdaddyswansea]

Okay, I have a few more scattered thoughts in regards to Curly that either didnt fit or I just think are kinda weaker points. (and also there were a couple things i had to go back and get more screenshots for. ...again....)

Also I feel like I should add a disclaimer: I feel like I'm starting to sound like Curly's #1 Hater but I'm really not. I like him a lot! I honestly like all the characters, even if it's in.... different ways. Sometimes you like a character because they're likeable and fun, sometimes you like a character because they're interesting and deep.

(And sometimes you like a character because you want to put them in the microwave.)

Moving on.

At some point this scene really got stuck in my head. It seems pretty innocuous at first, but it actually says a lot.

Technically Daisuke is the one who screwed up here, but the fact that he was even able to mess with the vent long enough to set off the foam is on Swansea. This is his area, Daisuke's his intern (like it or not), he needs to be keeping an eye on him.

Curly can see that! And firmly but respectfully bring attention to it! He can in fact be a good leader, when he chooses to be.

So it's also interesting that this scene is followed by Jimmy's psych eval. While dealing with Jimmy so Anya doesn't have to may have been a good move, his method subtly enables Jimmy's dismissal of Anya and her work's value.

Now I want to pivot and talk about the code scanner a bit.

During Curly sections, it's always in our inventory, and as Jimmy we pick it up in the cockpit where he's... extracted from, so I feel like it's safe to say that Curly is usually carrying it on his person.

And yet.

This is another one of those things that doesnt really seem like a big deal. The Pony Express is pretty buckwild about the kinds of shit it keeps locked up with the code scanner.

But there is one glaring problem here.

Granted, this one is more of a stretch. I can't say confidently that anyone else on the crew had easy access to the code scanner. In fact, given their annoyance with everything being locked up I'd say it's pretty unlikely. It's just something that's been buzzing around in my head, but after writing it out it feels pretty weak.

But it does feel worth mentioning that if anyone other than Curly would have access to both the code scanner and the Pony Express Protection Kit (TM), it would have been Jimmy. Not to mention that if anything were to, say, incapacitate Curly, Jimmy takes over and gains control of the code scanner. Which is exactly what Anya was afraid of.

And he is pretty quick to grab it, isn't he.

Which leads me to my next point.

I touched on this a bit in my last post, but I want to elaborate on this exchange specifically. I think it's pretty revealing.

At this point, Curly thinks Anya is suicidal. He tells her she could have come to him. That he would have done anything to help her. That he should have considered that she doesn't undergo the psych evaluations, he should have thought of that, so that way he could have known.

But he did know. She told him.

Even still, when he saw Anya in this state, the only reason he could imagine for her distress was the company going under.

As long as Anya kept quiet and carried on as normal, he really didn't think it was that big of a deal.

You can see this again when he finally talks to Jimmy about it. It's simply a "difficult situation." But nothing they can't get through together.

Not to mention, Curly twice glosses over Anya's fear that Jimmy will try to kill her. Her second attempt to communicate this is followed quickly by the scene in which Jimmy attempts to kill the entire crew.

Okay, one last thing I want to touch on here. It's about the way Curly (and by extension Jimmy) use the phrase, "We can fix this." And its variations. Again, I brought it up pretty briefly before, but there's always more to say about it.

Now, Jimmy uses this phrase (or more frequently, "I can fix this.") to an almost comical degree ("Almost the entire crew is dead, but I'm going to fix this. With my gun! :)"). But they both use it it in pretty much the same way.

For others, it's an empty promise. "I'm on your side." "I'm looking out for you." "I'll protect you."

For themselves, it's a denial of reality, a self-soothing mantra they use to desperately clutch at the reins of a situation that has long since spiralled out of their control. Everything will be back to normal soon. I just have to fix it.

thanks KC Green

[slut4thebroken]

Partners

── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ──

Pairing | Jackson Rippner x assassin!reader

Summary | You and Jackson are paired together on an assignment. The job in question? Pose as a couple in a bdsm club and lure your target somewhere more private.

Warnings | Sexual content, 18+, smut, humiliation, public humiliation, voyerism, exhibitionism, praise, degradation, objectification, face fucking, deep throating, girl on girl kissing💅🏻, grinding, fingering, vaginal sex, unprotected sex, breeding, choking, spitting, ?, lol.

Words | 7k

Notes | Somehow I wrote this in like one day lol but I kinda love it.

Ao3 link | <3

Masterlist

If there’s one thing you hate, it’s working with a partner. You’re perfectly capable doing a job on your own, but your employer said you could either work with someone or be fired. Fired means dead— he can’t have people who know what you know, not working for him— so obviously you chose the former. 

Your assignment this time was simple; retrieve his phone, leave him alive. What made it difficult were the amount of guards he had on him 24/7 and his major trust issues. You couldn’t just walk up to him and start flirting— he’d get too suspicious. Which is where your partner came in. 

The target regularly attends a bdsm club and you don't know how your employer knows this, but when he’s there, he only goes to one of the private rooms if it’s with a pair, not just one person. Which unfortunately meant that you have to play submissive with a man you met only a few hours ago— and not just any man. After your brief amount of time together, it didn’t take long for you to completely hate him. He was cocky and unnervingly charming, but had an undertone of misogyny to him— that much was obvious in the way that he undermined your work. But it was this, or death. So you had to put up with him. 

“What should I call you?” He asked, standing in front of the mirror as he adjusted his tie. You were sitting on the bed, buckling the straps of your outrageously high heels. 

“My name?” You said, as if you were talking to a child who just asked a stupid question. He paused and turned to you.  

“No sub goes to a bdsm club with a dom and is called by their real name. Should I choose for you?” He condescended, making you clench your jaw. Should you just come up with a name you don’t actually use or like? You probably won’t be able to get in character as easily though. 

“Princess I guess.”  

“Great.” He said dryly, making you roll your eyes. “You can just call me sir.”  

“Great.” You repeated, in the same tone as him. 

The drive was awkward. Neither if you talked unless it was about the mission, but both of you already knew what to do. You arrived before the target, so you took the time to get a feel for the place and get into character. While this isn’t your first time in a place like this, you haven’t been often and it still makes you blush. He led you over to a quiet corner, then sat down. When you started doing the same, he stopped you. 

“Kneel on the ground.” He explained, making you clench your jaw, but obey. You know what kind of partnership the target prefers. You have to just swallow your pride and do this with a stranger who already infuriates you after only a few hours together. You dropped to your knees next to him, trying to adjust your skirt so it wouldn’t show anything, but it was useless. It didn’t even cover your ass when you were standing, let alone sitting. You were just glad you were wearing underwear. The top wasn’t much better— your breasts were spilling out of it and it was short enough to barely be classified as a crop top. It was basically just a skimpy bra. The collar weighed heavy around your neck and while this wasn’t your first time wearing one, you’re usually in a deeper headspace and with someone you actually like while wearing it. Right now it was just a constant reminder of the demeaning position your boss put you in. You turned over your shoulder to look at the door, but he stopped you. 

“Look at me or your lap. I’ll tell you when he’s here.” 

“We’re just going to sit here until then?” That would be even more suspicious. 

“No. We have to already be doing something when he walks in.” 

“No shit. Like what, genius?” You spat, growing nervous when his lips twisted up into a smirk. 

“Grind on my foot.” He said, extending his leg. You gaped at him, too caught off guard to figure out what to say. 

“What? I'm not— No!” 

“Princess,” he warned, leaning forward to grab your cheeks in his hand, “if you want to live through this and not be killed by the target or your boss, you’ll do what I say.” He said lowly, making you swallow down a moan.  

“Fuck— fuck, fine.” You hissed and he let go of your face, letting you position yourself over his shoe. You let out a heavy breath through your nose and clenched your jaw, not able to look at him as you lowered yourself down until your clothed heat met the smooth leather. 

You started out slow, tentative, your arms moving around awkwardly, not sure where to put them. 

“Hands behind your back.” He said, making you look up at him. Your hands moved behind your back without hesitation and you internally groaned at the fact that you’re already slipping into that headspace. 

“Good girl, just like that.” He cooed mockingly, making you glare at him. 

“Shut the fuck up.” You spat, even though his words added to your unwanted arousal. 

“Careful, princess. Anyone could be listening.” He smirked, flexing his foot up, making you gasp as your hips bucked toward the pressure. He didn’t keep his eyes on you for long, wanting to instead scan the crowd and keep an eye out for the target. 

“I don’t like this, Jackson,”

“Try again.” You just gritted your teeth and rolled your eyes, not wanting to call him that unless you absolutely have to. 

“I don’t trust you, I want to be able to see.” You finished. 

“Your options are this or sitting on my lap, but I’ll have to touch you another way to keep up appearances.” Fuck. Is being able to see the room really worth him touching you like that? He’s probably going to need to do so eventually, though…

“Fine.” You said, standing up. “Over my clothes.” You turned around and sat on his lap, feeling slightly less tense now. 

“Clothes?” He scoffed, making your cheeks flush. 

“Shut up.” You hissed. His hands suddenly settled on your thighs and your breath caught in your throat. He teased you, dragging them up and down, barely brushing the bottom of your skirt. He placed a hand on your chest— your cleavage— and you were about to say something, but he just pulled you back so you were leaning against his chest. 

“Open your legs.” He whispered against your ear, making your shiver. 

“I don’t exactly want to give the entire room a view up my skirt.” 

“Sweetheart.. they’re going to get much more than that soon enough. Might as well just rip the bandaid off.” You gritted your teeth at the pet name, but still did what he said. “Good girl.” One of his hands started drifting higher, pushing under your skirt until he brushed your core, making you bite down on your lip to contain any sounds. 

“You think I want this too? I didn’t exactly picture my next job being spent feeling up a whore assassin in the middle of a bdsm club.” 

“Fuck you, Jackson.” You spat and he reeled his hand back then brought it down just as fast, making you jolt as a quiet whimper escaped you. 

“What did I fucking say?” He growled, roughly cupping your cunt over the lace. 

“Fuck you, sir.” You said viciously, but the breathiness in your voice took away some of the bite. “You think I wanted to spend my next job getting felt up by some ammatuer?” His other hand shot up to grab your neck and roughly pull your head back against his shoulder as he squeezed. 

“If I were in your position, I wouldn’t speak like that.” He hissed. You grabbed the arm of the hand on your neck, clawing at it to get him to let go. “Now, how about you shut the fuck up and be a good little girl, like your employer told you to be, and stop drawing attention to us, hm?” You were suddenly hyper aware of the few pairs of eyes that were now watching you. Your hands went lax and dropped to your sides, making his grip loosen slightly. The hand on your cunt was moving more purposefully now, rubbing your clit slowly as your eyes fell shut and you squirmed, trying to ignore the fact that you were being watched and this was a stranger rubbing your clit right now. 

“I have to know your secret. What did you say to her?” A man suddenly asked and you opened your eyes to find him and a woman standing in front of you. “My girl likes being a brat but it usually takes longer to get her to submit, isn’t that right, pet?” 

“Just helping you practice your authority, sir.” She said sweetly and if you weren’t in your current predicament, you would’ve laughed. 

“Oh you know, the usual threats.” Jackson chuckled with a shrug. 

“C’mon, you gotta help me out— look at her! Only seconds ago she was acting out.” Jackson laughed quietly behind you and you wondered how he was going to play this. 

“I got lucky— she’s a cock hungry little whore. All I gotta do is just threaten to not give it to her and she fixes her attitude almost instantly.” He said proudly, making you blush as you whined and turned your head. “She gets a little shy. This is our first time here and she’s not used to so many people.” He explained and the man hummed in understanding. 

“Well, welcome. I’m Nick.” 

“Jackson. I hope it works out for you.” You could tell he was smiling through the obvious dismissal. 

“Thanks. I’ll give it a try next time.” They both walked away and you let out a heavy breath as his hand slowed to a stop. 

“Screw you.” You muttered, making him chuckle under his breath. 

“Yeah I thought you might like that.” You took deep breaths, trying to calm down and not let your nerves consume you. “We need to do more. We stick out too much like this.” Looking around the room, you knew he was right. Everyone was either engaging in some kind of nudity and/or intense sexual act, or they were watching one. 

“I know.” You sighed. “Like what?” 

“You can suck me off, or if you want to keep watching the room, I can finger you.” He suggested, making your blush deepen. His hands rubbed up and down your legs as he waited for you to decide. 

“Fine. You can finger me, just leave my underwear on please.” You said quietly. It was almost as if he could sense your nervousness about the situation because he didn’t respond with a mean retort or a jab at you. 

“Okay.” Was all he said. One of his hands snaked up, then wasted no time slipping in your underwear and brushing through your folds. “Jesus.” He said through a breathy laugh. 

“Don’t act like I’m not sitting on your fucking hard on right now.” You hissed, making him go quiet. 

“Fair enough.” He pushed a finger in and your hand gripped his leg as you stiffened. He started curling it slowly and you bit your lip hard enough to draw blood. “Feel good?” He rasped and you couldn’t tell if he was making fun of you or not. You cursed under your breath and squeezed your eyes shut, trying not to completely give in to the pleasure. When he started kissing your neck, you couldn’t hold down the moan anymore. 

“Fuck,” You whimpered, hips grinding against his hand. 

“You like having your neck kissed?” God— it’s one of your favorite things. For some reason, the simple act never fails to get you hot and bothered and turn you into a pliant, needy mess. 

“Yes, sir.” You whispered, gasping when he pushed another finger in. 

“Look at that…” He cooed. “Just a few fingers and you’re already slipping. I can’t wait to see how dumb you get on my cock.” You whined, hips moving incessantly. Even though you knew he wouldn’t actually fuck you, the thought still made you dizzy. When he lightly nipped at the skin, you let out a low moan and squeezed his leg harder. 

“No marks.” You whispered, despite the fact that your body was begging for the opposite. 

“Wouldn’t dream of it, princess.” He mumbled sarcastically. You let your eyes fall shut and rested the full weight of your head on his shoulder as he kept kissing the sensitive skin. He was grinding the heel of his hand against your clit as his fingers curled inside you relentlessly and you could feel your orgasm rapidly approaching. 

“He’s here.” He whispered, making your eyes snap open. Sure enough, he and about five men were walking in. He walked over to a booth and waited as one of the guards spoke to the people sitting there, making them instantly scramble out of their seats for the man. 

“How should we play this?” You whispered and his fingers slowed to a stop, but didn’t leave you. 

“We can’t come on too strong, but we also need to do something to get his attention.” 

“He won’t want it if it’s too easy though.” You added, groaning internally at what that meant you had to do. “We have to be the most desirable people here.” 

“Draw a crowd.” He confirmed, removing his fingers, making you swallow down a whine.  

“How do we do that?” You don’t know why you were asking him and not just deciding. Actually, that’s not true— it’s because you were already so close to entering a head space that you should not be in while working. 

“Get on your knees again. I’ll be right back.” You stood up and watched him walk over to Nick who was watching someone getting spanked while his.. “pet” was working his cock over in her mouth. You kneeled, but kept your eyes on him as you waited. They both looked at you, then back at each other, now with smiles as Jackson patted the man’s shoulder. He made his way back to you as Nick started talking to a few other people. 

“I’m getting a crowd.” He explained. “Just play along. I’ll keep watching our guy and tell you when he’s coming over, okay?” You nodded and he cupped your cheek, brushing his thumb over your bottom lip. “Ready to put that mouth to good use?” He smirked and you swallowed thickly. His attention was drawn away from you when Nick approached, followed by a few other people, some of them crawling and being led by leashes. 

“I was telling our friend here how you want to work on your “stage fright.’” He explained, putting on a show for them. “What do you think, princess? This a big enough crowd for you?” You stared up at them with wide eyes, trying not to shrink under all of their gazes. 

“Yes, sir.” You said meekly. 

“Atta girl. Now how about you get to it? We don’t want to keep them waiting.” You nodded and reached for his belt with shaky hands. When you finally freed his cock, you choked on a gasp at the sheer size of it. You tentatively took him in your hand and stroked slowly, getting a feel for it. 

You’re no virgin, but you’ve been so busy with work for the past few months that you’ve been relying on your vibrator. So you’re a little out of practice and his size isn’t helping much. He placed a hand on your head to pet your hair. 

“You know what I want. Don’t be a tease.” He warned, making you look up at him. 

“Sorry, sir. Just got distracted.” You heard the group behind you chuckle. 

“What’d I say, huh, Nick? Cock hungry whore— she’s practically obsessed with it. Can’t even go a day without it.” He took in a sharp breath when you suddenly enveloped the tip in your mouth, still stroking the base. “Fuck, there you go. Give our friends a show, yeah?” You whined at the reminder that you were being watched, making his hips flinch forward. Despite his request, you kept your mouth on the head of his cock, not going much further. He suddenly grabbed your hair and yanked your head back, making you gasp and choke on a moan. He leaned down close to you and you grew nervous because of his expression. 

“I didn’t invite them over to watch you do a half assed job. Either do it right, or I’ll get someone else to do it and you’ll go the rest of the night without it.” He growled, making you press your thighs together. “Do you understand?” 

“Yes, sir. I’m sorry.” You whimpered and he loosened his grip as he leaned back up. You kept your hand at the base, but started bobbing your head more now, taking most of his cock in your mouth. 

“Wow she really is cock hungry.” Nick said, making you whine. 

“It’s a blessing and a curse.” Jackson said through a breath, starting to guide your head. “Can’t get anything done if she’s around.” He chuckled, making the rest of them laugh along with him. 

“Mind if I take her for a spin?” Your stomach dropped at that. Sucking off a stranger who you’ve known for a few hours is different than sucking off one you just met barely ten minutes ago. 

“Maybe next time. Like I told you, this is our first time and she’s already pretty nervous.” He said and you could’ve cried in relief. 

“No worries, man. My girl was the same for our first time.” Jackson was about to respond before you accidentally went down too far and gagged around him, making him moan. 

“Shit— Let’s show ‘em what you can really do, yeah? Attract some more people.” You were pretty sure that meant the target wasn’t watching you yet. You hummed around him in acknowledgment and he adjusted his grip on your head, then started moving you up and down. “Hands behind your back.” You immediately released his cock and put your arms back. He sped up slightly, but was still going slow enough to let you get a feel for it. When he pulled you down, then held you there, your cunt pulsed when you realized what he wanted. 

“Relax your throat, princess. Let me in.” He said through a breath. You tried to obey, but you started gagging, making it almost impossible. “She just needs a little help sometimes.” He said before roughly pulling you down until he breached your throat barrier, making you choke and sputter as he groaned. He yanked you off, then slapped you across the cheek, the suddenness of it all making you dizzy. 

“If I feel your teeth again, you’re done for the night.” 

“I’m sorry- I’m sorry, sir.” You rasped, then opened your mouth, waiting. 

“Fuck- she really is eager.” Someone commented with a snicker. 

“Oh you have no idea.” Jackson said before pushing you back down, then extending his leg so his foot was between your legs. “Go ahead, bitch. Show everyone how much you love my cock.” You whined, but had no control over your body when you started grinding on his shoe. You moaned around his length as you desperately bucked your hips, missing the stimulation you were getting from his fingers before. The tip of his cock was punching the back of your mouth with each thrust, making you gag and writhe. 

Eventually he gave you a break. He pulled you off his cock then immediately forced your head between his legs, pushing your face against his balls. 

“Suck.” He growled, making you obey instantly. As you worked him over in your mouth, he was letting out breathy moans and grunts that had you whining against him, wanting more. “I don’t know what you were so nervous about, baby. You seem to be fine with all the people watching you.” At first, you whined at the reminder, but then you realized that he might’ve said that to let you know the target was watching now. 

“She like rimming?” Someone asked, making you panic because no, you absolutely do not like rimming. You almost pulled away to speak, but he beat you to it. 

“She has to be pretty deep into subspace to get that filthy.” He said, making you relax a little. With his balls in your mouth and his cock resting on your face, you already felt pretty filthy. But it was just the right amount to make your hips move more eagerly against his shoe. He suddenly pulled you back and you looked up at him with an open mouth, waiting. 

“Spit on it.” Your eyes widened at the request but you quickly gathered the saliva in your mouth and spit it on his cock. The second you finished, he was rubbing his length over your face, smearing your saliva, making you grimace. He slapped your cheek with his cock a few times before letting out a quiet chuckle. 

“This filthy enough for you?” He asked, turning your head to face the audience, giving you confirmation that the target's eyes were indeed on you. 

“Can I make a request?” The same man from before asked and you prayed he wouldn’t request anything that required you to get anywhere near an asshole. 

“Depends on what it is.” Jackson said, playing along as he turned you back around to keep rubbing his spit soaked cock on your face. 

“Let some of us spit on her too, yeah? Really get her nice and filthy.” Jackson looked down at you and you were trying to come up with a response. It wouldn’t be the worst thing in the world. Sure, you’d have to take a very thorough shower later, but at least if it was interactive, it might entice your target to join. He seemed to be thinking the same thing. 

“What do you say, princess? Wanna be a good girl and let them do this?” You nodded with pink cheeks and he yanked your head back. “Use your words.” 

“Yes, sir. I- I want it.” You whimpered, making him grin. 

“You heard her.” He said, releasing your hair and taking a step back as he slowly stroked his cock. You turned around and the man moved forward, then looked at Jackson before doing anything. 

“Can I grab her face?” 

“If she agrees.” 

“You can touch my face, sir.” You said quietly, staring up at him through your lashes. He looked down at you and cursed under his breath before grabbing your cheeks and leaning down a bit. You flinched when the spit hit your face, then whined when he rubbed it in. 

“Fuckin’ disgusting. She likes it too, huh?” He chuckled, looking at Jackson again as he stepped back. 

“Oh she loves it. I’m sure she’s making a mess all over the floor.” He replied, making your whole face turn red because it sure felt like you were making a mess all over the floor. But from Jackson, not from these other people. 

Someone else stepped forward and carded his fingers through your hair before grabbing it and gently pulling your head back. His cock was out of his pants, fully erect, right in front of your face and you watched it jump when you whimpered after the man spat on you. 

Nick walked forward this time, having the woman kneeling at his feet crawl forward with him. 

“You have a safe word?” He asked and you nodded. 

“Red.”

“Good.” He leaned down and spat on your face, this one feeling more forceful than the others, making you flinch again when it hit your face. “Now, pet, after she tells us her color, I want you to lick it off her face, understand?”

“Yes, sir.” They both turned to you expectantly and your eyes flicked over to the target for half a second before going back to them. 

“Green.” You said quietly, making him beam. The woman shuffled forward and placed a hand on your thigh to steady herself as she leaned closer and slowly licked up your cheek. 

“Clean it all unless she says her safe word.” He commanded and you let her lap up the spit on your face, including over your lips. Your entire face was on fire when she pulled back slightly, her breath fanning your lips. 

“Ever kissed a girl before?” She asked sweetly, making your eyes widened as you choked on your spit. You shook your head, making her grin. “Do you want to?” 

“I- I have to ask first.” You said through a breath, almost forgetting where you were for a moment. Your whole focus was on her— the hand on your thigh, breath on your lips, even her words were intoxicating enough to make your brain go blank. 

“Go ahead then.” She smirked, pulling back a bit, making you finally feel like you could breathe. You cleared your throat, then turned around, looking up at him. 

“She asked if I want to kiss her.” You said meekly. 

“And do you?” 

“I want what you want, sir.” It was hard to tell if you were still pretending. 

“I think it’ll be a good way for you to practice feeling more comfortable in front of a crowd— might even attract some more people.” You knew that by “more people” he meant the target, so you nodded and bit your lip as you turned back around. Her smirk was still intact and she moved back toward you, placing one hand on your cheek and the other on your thigh. When she started moving forward, you closed your eyes and waited. 

The kiss started out slow and tentative, but quickly grew hungrier. Her hand snaked around your neck to hold you against her as she practically devoured your mouth. You could faintly hear whistles and more talking, but it was all hard to focus on. Hands were suddenly on your shoulders and you jumped, but quickly relaxed when you heard Jackson’s voice. 

“Spit on her face.” He rasped, grabbing your chin and tilting your head up once she pulled back. Her eyes flickered between you and Jackson for only another moment before she did what he said. You gasped and he gripped your cheeks tightly to keep your jaw open. “Now in her mouth.” You couldn’t hold down the moan when you felt her spit land on your tongue. 

“Be a good girl and lick it up again.” Nick added and she leaned forward to lick her spit from your face, then kissed you again, forcing her tongue in your mouth, making you whimper. 

“Fuck— that’s it. You’re getting quite the crowd, baby.” He said quietly, then placed a hand on your waist and squeezed to really make sure you understood that wasn’t just a normal statement. When the woman pulled back, a string of saliva connected your lips and you panted, trying to catch your breath and clear your head enough to have a coherent thought. 

“Who else wants to spit on her?” Jackson asked, somewhat loudly. A few people started to agree, but quickly stopped once your target stepped forward. “I think we have another volunteer, princess.” He smirked and the woman in front of you crawled back to Nick. You looked up at him through your lashes, trying not to do anything that would accidentally blow your cover. 

“She’s a pretty thing.” He said, stepping even more into your space, making you crane your head back to look at him. 

“Oh yeah. Pretty, but stupid— the perfect toy.” Jackson said proudly as he stood up from where he was crouched behind you. 

“I bet.” He chuckled, making you flush and avert your gaze. “I saw how eager she was with a cock in her mouth. Is she just like that with you? Or is she like that with any cock.” 

“Any cock. But we weren’t going to do much more than this. It’s our first time here and she’s pretty nervous.” 

“I see. That’s disappointing.” He sighed and you craned your neck around to look at Jackson. 

“Permission to speak, sir?” You were really trying to play it up in front of the target. 

“Yes.”

“I don’t mind. I’d just prefer going to a private room than staying out here.” You said meekly and he gave you a small smile as he pet your hair. 

“You sure, princess?” 

“Yes, sir. If he’s okay with going to a room.” Jackson looked at the man expectantly and he stared down at you, thinking. 

“I don’t mind.” He finally said, glancing at a guard and giving him a curt nod. “Shall we?” He motioned to the hallway where the rooms are and you started to stand, but Jackson stopped you as he tucked his erection back in his pants.  

“You can crawl.” He said and you flushed but dropped down to your hands and knees, following along behind them.  

The door shut softly and you waited on your knees expectantly. 

“How about I test that mouth, huh? See how eager she really is.” He smirked and you prayed Jackson would make a move sooner rather than later. He took his cock out of his pants, then roughly grabbed your hair, making you whimper. When he suddenly forced you all the way down, you choked and your hands shot out to push at his thighs. He suddenly released your hair and you pulled off with a cough, finding Jackson’s arm wrapped around the man’s neck, strangling him. After another minute he finally went limp and Jackson let him fall to the ground in front of you. 

“You couldn’t have done that before he fucking punched my throat with his dick? That hurt.” You complained, grabbing his phone from his pocket, then standing up on sore legs. 

“I needed to wait until his guard was down.” He explained and all you did was roll your eyes and start walking toward the door, but he grabbed your wrist to stop you. 

“We can’t leave yet. His guards will be right outside the door and they’ll know something’s up if we leave now.” You paused, then let out a groan at the fact that he’s right. 

“Fuck— fine. But I’m laying down.” You said, snatching your wrist from his hand and walked to the bed. You grabbed one of the small towels from the side table and wiped your face with a grimace as he rounded the bed and sat on the other side. 

“You did a surprisingly good job.” He admitted, making you turn to him with narrowed eyes. 

“Thanks.” You said, in place of ‘fuck you.’

“I just meant that I didn’t think you’d take it that far.” He defended and you calmed down a bit. 

“Neither did I.” You muttered. 

“You make a pretty good sub when you’re not being a stuck up bitch.” He snickered. You threw the towel at his face, then laid down, deciding to ignore him… as well as the arousal still making your cunt ache. 

“If we’re going to be here a while, the least you could do is let me sleep.” 

“Fine.” 

“Good.” You turned away from him and closed your eyes, feeling the bed dip and clothes rustle as he laid down. When he let out a low groan, you stiffened and strained your ear. The second time, you turned over, ready to yell at him, but it died in your throat when you saw his head thrown back as he rapidly fisted his cock. 

“What the fuck are you doing?” You hissed, making his lips curl up into a smirk. 

“Denial isn't one of my kinks, sweetheart. At least, not for me.” 

“Well— You could at least have the decency to not do it in the bed I’m trying to sleep in.” Your tone was not nearly as stern as you wanted it to be.

“My cock was literally down your throat, but you have a problem with this?” He scoffed a laugh, making your cheeks heat up. “Besides, it won’t be believable if I walk out of here rock hard.” He said, like it was obvious. “You could always help me and speed it up.” He suggested, making your mouth fall open. 

“I’m good.” You spat, making him chuckle. 

“Sure, princess. You keep acting like your pussy isn’t dripping down your thighs and maybe you’ll even start to believe it.” You flushed with anger, embarrassment, and arousal this time. 

“Maybe it is. But if I’m gonna get someone’s help, then I’ll ask the girl who caused it.” You smirked, making him freeze.  

“That’s cute.” He said sarcastically and your smirk widened. 

“Maybe I’ll go get her— tell the guards he wants a foursome instead.” You moved to get up, but he roughly grabbed your hair and yanked your head back until you were laying down again, then got on top of you.  

“Keep testing me. You’re not going to like where it gets you.” He warned, making your cunt throb. 

“I’m not your sub, Jackson. Get that through your thick skull.” He placed a hand on your neck and squeezed, making your breath hitch. 

“Maybe not. That doesn’t change the fact that you want me to fuck you.” That made you scoff. 

“Please get your head out of your ass, it’s not a good look for you.” 

“Sure, baby. Keep pretending I’m wrong.” He smirked. “You have a safe word. Use it.” He dared and you narrowed your eyes as you clenched your jaw. 

“Fuck you.” You spat, pushing at his chest, making his grip tighten on your neck. 

“Use it.” 

Your gaze hardened as you stared up at him, gritting your teeth. You couldn’t make yourself say it though. You’re too curious— too eager to know where this is going. 

“That’s what I fucking thought.” He spat, making you roll your eyes. He removed his hand from your neck to slap you, then immediately put it back. This slap was so much harder than the one he gave you out there and you almost whimpered at the sting on your cheek. 

“Go fuck yourself.” You said lowly, watching his cheeks tense as he clenched his jaw and let out a heavy breath through his nose. 

“I’m sick of your fucking attitude.” He was turning you on your stomach before you even knew what was happening. When you tried to lift yourself up, he pushed you down and held you there with a hand on the back of your head. It was harder to breathe like this, but you couldn’t even slightly  care about that when he roughly pushed your skirt up over your ass, then pulled your panties down just enough to free your cunt. 

The blunt tip of his cock brushed your entrance and he didn’t bother teasing you before forcing it inside, making you let out a strangled whimper at the suddenness of it all. He only stopped once his hips were flush with your ass and you gripped the sheets as you did your best to adjust to the intrusion. 

“Fuck— I can’t believe such an annoying little bitch has such a good cunt.” He said through a breath. When you tried to push yourself up to curse him out, he just pushed down harder on your head, making you whimper. 

He slowly dragged out until only the tip was inside, then snapped his hips forward, making you scream and try to move up the bed away from the intense feeling. 

“Ah ah ah— You’re not going anywhere, bitch. I’ve waited all fucking night for this.” He continued the same pace of slowly dragging out, then roughly slamming back in and you wished he’d do something that felt better for you— not that this felt bad… there are just other things that’ll actually feel good. 

He moved his hand to the back of your neck and you were able to turn your head to the side so you could actually breathe again. At a particularly rough thrust, you let out a choked moan and cried out. 

“I can’t believe you think people could ever see you as a respectable assassin after this. Not when you played your part a little too well.” You squeezed your eyes shut with a whimper, trying not to let yourself believe his words. “This is probably the only kind of job you’ll get from now on. No dignity, no self respect, just a wannabe assassin being used as a whore.” You let out a choked sob, his words going straight to your cunt. 

“And I’ll bet you’ll like it too. You’ll fuck anyone he tells you to, not just because it’s your job… but because you want to.” 

“Jackson,” You cried and he shushed you softly. 

“It’s okay, princess. You can’t help it— you were born to be a whore.” 

“Fuck,” You sobbed out, “oh god, please make me come.” 

“Of course you fucking like that shit.” He scoffed, making you whine. 

“Please, Jackson!” He pushed down harder on your neck, making your breath catch in your throat. 

“Last chance.” He said lowly. 

“Please, sir! Please make me come!” 

“Good girl… No.” You let out an anguished cry at the denial. 

“Please!” He was fucking you brutally now, his hips smacking your ass with each thrust and his cock punching the breath out of you everytime it was forced deeper inside. 

“You can fucking wait.” He hissed, voice getting more and more breathless. “Don’t you wanna be a good girl for me? Come when I tell you to?” He cooed, his tone significantly gentler now. You whined, torn between wanting your long awaited pleasure and wanting to be good for him. “I know, baby. I’m so close though, can’t you just wait a little longer?” You nodded with a whimper, watching him smile through your peripheral vision. “Atta girl.” He said proudly, making your walls flutter around his length. He let out a choked moan at the feeling, then leaned up and removed his hand from your neck to spread your ass apart for a better view of his cock stretching you. You whined loudly when he spat on your hole, adding more lubrication even though you were already doing a good enough job of that on your own. 

“God- you’re so fucking easy.” He groaned. “Praise is what does it for you, huh? Just need to be told you’re a good girl and you get all dumb and pliant?” You whined loudly, burying your face in the sheets to hide your blush. 

“Pathetic.” He spat, letting go of your ass to grab your hips and thrust even faster. 

“Fuck— sir, please.. I don’t think I can hold it.” You whimpered, fisting the sheets and trying to will your orgasm away. 

“I know, princess, it’s okay. You get a cock in that sloppy little cunt and you go all brain dead and come hungry… You poor thing.” He cooed mockingly, bringing you closer to your orgasm. “Go ahead and come, baby. You can let go now.” He said softly— a harsh contrast to his rough thrusts. When you didn’t come immediately though, he got impatient. 

“Go on, needy fucking slut. Come on my cock- prove that you’re nothing more than a brainless little whore.” The knot of arousal in your stomach snapped almost violently and you sobbed out a moan when your orgasm finally crashed over you. His thrusts barely even slowed, not deterred by your walls spasming around his length. 

“Jesus— fucking…” He hissed. That was the only indication you got that he was affected by this. As your orgasm finally started to fade, it was quickly replaced by a more painful pleasure when he continued. 

“Sir- sir, wait,” You choked out, trying to move up the bed to get away from him. He fell over you, completely flush with your back, and kept rutting into your sore hole desperately as he chased his own orgasm. “Fuck— oh fuck, it hurts.” You whimpered, squeezing your eyes shut to try and focus on something other than the overstimulation. 

“Shut the fuck up already.” He spat, moving his arm in front of your body to place a hand on your neck, squeezing hard enough to cut off any kind of sounds you tried to make. You clawed at his arm, your head starting to feel swollen and your eyes falling shut from a lack of oxygen and blood flow. “You can breathe after I fucking come.” He growled, ignoring your choking and your gasps for air. 

“God- you’re so much hotter when you can’t fucking talk.” He groaned, resting his forehead on your shoulder as he focused on his impending orgasm. You were genuinely starting to worry that you’d pass out before he came, but just as your eyes grew too heavy to keep open and your hearing muffled, you could faintly hear him groaning as his hips stilled, occasionally bucking into you. He released your neck and you gasped and wheezed, heaving in large gulps of air as your head rushed with the sudden blood flow. Now that you could actually focus on other sensations, you noticed how hot your walls felt with his come inside you. 

“Fuck— you didn’t use a condom.” You rasped, letting your head fall onto the bed, too tired to hold it up. 

“I don’t fucking care.” He said, almost amused. 

“…Me neither.” He chuckled breathlessly and rolled off of you, laying on his back. You turned your head so you were laying on your other cheek, wanting to face him. His eyes were closed and he was lightly panting, and you couldn’t help but notice how pretty he is. 

“Stop staring.” He mumbled, making you smile. 

“Why?” 

“Because it’s creepy.” Despite his words, the corners of his lips just barely turned up into a smile. 

“Do you think it’s been long enough yet?” You asked, turning on your side so your neck wasn’t bent uncomfortably anymore. 

“Not even close. I’m just catching my breath before round two.” He glanced at you with a small smirk, making you roll your eyes with a blush. 

[violetasteracademic]

I mean, I love Lucien so much but it’s obvious that he’s not that excited about the mating bond. It feels like it was something that was imposed on him, not something that makes him happy (as it was the case for Rhys and Cassian). He even used the world “shackled”. What can be worse than that? After a while, he didn’t even care about living someplace else and not seeing her often. He knows they’re a bad match and it’s possibly questioning the Cauldron.

I love both of them and they deserve better. Sometimes I wonder if the people that believe that Elain has to be with Lucien because he’s her mate, also believe that women should stay in unhappy, miserable marriages because they see divorce as a “sin”

Hello lovely anon!

Looooong post ahead, we are gonna get into it! I agree with you completely on this. I am a pro L/cien Elriel, and always have been. My first Tumblr post was a dissertation about Vassien for goodness sake, and my excitement for their story is genuinely second to Elriel! The secret Spell-Cleaver's son and the cursed queen, the bird of flame and lord of fire, there is so much I love about them. I did an entire breakdown on the possibilities of Vassien's story using Sarah's usual book structures and all of the information we have on them, because there is so much driving them plot wise and thematically it's actually crazy.

I think that sometimes it can be really easy to miss theme while reading these books, but it is something SJM puts a lot of work into and threads throughout her stories.

I spend a LOT of time talking about my girl Elain, and even though I love the boys they are just kinda there for me as cute little accessories for our ladies. So I appreciate this opportunity to talk more about who is right for whom from the mens perspective based on the themes woven throughout the books with a focus on L/ucien and Azriel, and whether or not Elain fits into those themes. In my opinion, these are the strongest indicators of what ultimately is being subliminally pushed by authors on the road to happiness for our characters.

I'm gonna nerd out about writing for a sec, but good writing has clean character arcs. Good romance shows the blind spots or flaws of the lead characters, and how their romantic interest will balance or push the character to growth. If there are multiple love interests, one of the love interests will undoubtedly leave the main character stagnant, or perhaps fulfill some external ideals rather than following their own heart.

Here are some examples of themes when it comes to Elain and Azriel, and I'm pushing myself to focus on Azriel here and not my girlie 🌸

Here we are being introduced to the areas where Azriel has blind spots to his own personal happiness. It is nearly impossible to get Azriel to take any time for himself that doesn't't involve work or training. He rips himself to shreds for mistakes, his perfectionism bordering on sadistic.

The time he spends with Elain is a direct foil to Azriel's inability to do anything other than work or train without being pushed to the extreme by his loved ones. He chooses to sit with Elain in the garden. He chooses to stay up until three am listening to her design plans. He chooses to rest in the sunlight with her. This is a direct tie of the author stating what this character needs, and then blatantly showing who is giving it to him.

G/wyn also trains hard and is competitive and perfectionistic. It makes total sense to me that people think this is cute, however, theme wise, it is a representation of a stagnant arc. The idea that training is a foundational element to an Az and G's potential relationship actually directly parallels Azriel's greatest obstacle to happiness- which is that he cannot allow himself to rest and *not* train.

Feyre and Rhys had to teach each other to share burdens, though it was extremely difficult. Cassian had to teach Nesta how to forgive herself and believe she was worthy of love. What Azriel needs is someone to help him believe he is worthy of rest and mistakes. These themes are tied to Elain.

There is also the issue of his hands and physical touch, and his feelings of worthiness.

Again, we discover that even if Morrigan, the woman he has supposedly been madly in love with for 500 years, stripped naked in front of Azriel, he still wouldn't touch her. We've also seen Morrigan cringe away from his hands. Meanwhile, Elain called his scarred hands beautiful. Elain initiated every act of touch in the bonus chapter. Elain moved so that his hand was covering her neck, and she wanted it.

Azriel fought against his feelings of disgust over his hands. He experienced intrusive thoughts about how he shouldn't be touching her with the things he has done. And yet, his feelings for her, and the feeling of touching her, was powerful enough to override the loop of self hate that tells him he is unworthy of being wanted.

So if Azriel's two themes that need to be challenged in his romantic relationship is lack of rest and lack of touch, Elain has already been pushing growth in those areas over multiple books. With G/wyn, whom he has not touched because of the strict line of professionalism with the priestesses and the only time they spent together training (which is also the thing Azriel uses to distract himself and push himself to the brink of exhaustion) thematically, for Azriel's specific needs in romantic growth, we are stagnant.

Moving on to L/cien, because there is a lot here for him as well and I believe we are being shown how Elain is also thematically the opposite of what L/cien needs.

Unlike Azriel, L/cien has experienced true, authentic, deep, consensual love. And the first thing he does when he meets Elain is compare her to the woman he loves, and frankly, he's not really understanding how someone like Elain could be his mate because she is so different from Jesminda.

L/cien is attracted to wildness, mischief and laughter. Someone who loved him not because of his status or stature, but choosing him for who he was. This is never going to be possible with Elain. L/cien's status as a High Lord's son plays a huge role in Rhys not wanting Azriel to interfere with their relationship. At this point, even if Azriel never pursues Elain again, that is the reason why. The Blood Duel, and L/ucien's status as a High Lord's son. If L/ucien were not these things, Rhys never would have interrupted their kiss. So even if Elain *chooses* L/cien in the end, it will never have been without question. It will never be untangled with this status as a High Lord's son, and it will never be because they weren't mates first before falling in love. In Lucien's monologue about Jesminda, we learn that the mating bond is not the ideal way for L/cien to fall in love either. With all his trauma and abuse and lack of choice in his own life, he both wants and deserves to be loved without question. This will absolutely never be true with Elain, no matter how their story develops.

Lucien desires to be chosen away from High Fae culture and societal expectations. We also see how he is drawn to things wild and free, who says to hell with all of it. I'm choosing who I love and how I show up in this world.

And then we meet the human queen Vassa.

A foul mouthed, foul tempered queen who Lucien warns Feyre of right away that she will corner her to ask for help breaking her curse (which she absolutely does 🤣)

In the same book where Lucien can't help but compare Elain to the fiery love of his life, and feel Elain was thrown at him, he winds up on an adventure with a literal firebird queen with the attitude and energy to match. Perhaps someone who could taunt and tease Lucien within an inch of his life?

Thematically, Lucien has also struggled with the concept of home. He has bounced from court to court, facing different forms of abuse and control. He has never been truly free or comfortable anywhere he has lived. And he doesn't feel truly free or comfortable in Velaris. In fact, he can't stand it.

This is similar to what happened with Jesminda and the Autumn court. Her people no longer welcome Lucien because they believe he is responsible for what happened to her. Lucien doesn't want to return to Tamlin, but Spring was his home, and now he can't return there either because those outside of the high lords manor hate him for believing him being complicit.

Lucien and Vassa are also tied thematically through themes of manipulation and two faced people selling them out.

Which again, brings us full circle to L/ucien's theme of passivity. He believes he did not protect Jesminda. That her death was a betrayal of trust. This is a deep wound that needs healing.

Meanwhile, when it comes to Elain, he has maintained a passive stance. He is always telling others to get her back, or take her here, or do this. But if something were to happen to her, he never would have been the one to step in and stop it. He is repeating his passive behavior with Elain, beyond simply staying away from her. The theme is rooted much more deeply than that. It is tied to his past traumas and failures.

Meanwhile, when it comes to Vassa, he stares out to sea and sets a target on Koschei.

Elain is not going to be the one to shake L/ucien out of passivity and into action. Vassa is. And my understanding is that even E/ucien's believe this is true, they just assume Elain will be required for some reason. But what the E/ucien version of saving Vassa lacks is thematic resolution. Character arc and growth. L/cien's love interest being the foil to his passivity. Forcing Elain into the saving Vassa storyline makes it less of an emotional growth arc for all characters involved.

So no, I don't think Elain is right for L/cien, and I don't think L/cien thinks she is either. He is going to have to step up and fight for his woman. He has to face ghosts haunting him, and the fact that he didn't protect the woman he loves in the past. He is showing no protective, proactive behavior towards Elain. He *is* showing protective, proactive behavior with Vassa.

Azriel is not showing the ability to find peace and rest and breaks from work and training with G/wyn. He *is* showing the ability to find peace and rest and breaks from training with Elain. He is not showing an ability to let his hands touch someone's skin and work through the traumatic feelings that can bring up with G/wyn. He *is* experiencing that with Elain.

Obviously Elain's choice is theme, and we all know where that is headed. But it IS worthwhile to (occasionally 😝) pay attention to the men and their deeper traumas, threads and themes, and look at where the work of storytelling is already healing those things as opposed to putting the emotional labor on the women of the story to magically fix their men in their future books.

Phew, this wound up being a lot longer than I intended for it to be! I also agree that there are a lot of women projecting an incredible amount of internalized misogyny and frankly the least woman first takes I have ever seen in this fandom. It's disheartening and bizarre, especially when there is so much fantasy written by men where women solely exist to get r/aped or fill the needs of men. We should be celebrating stories written by women and for women, and appreciate authors who push against the societal norms of the roles women play in fantasy books and in real life.

[kimmiessimmies]

Personal post

This will probably be the most non-Sims related post I've put on this blog ever. I'll put most of it under a cut, so you can choose whether or not to read it. The thing is, I could use some advice. And asking strangers from all over the world advice on something important might be weird, but you are also my community, so I value your opinions. Don't worry, this isn't a "Kim being depressed" kinda post. 😉 It's a work thing.

Upfront: This post is about me being unhappy in my current well-paid job and my search for something that makes me happy. It might come across sounding a bit entitled, since I know there are many people who would be happy to have any job, just so they can pay their bills. I'm sorry if this post triggers that, and I know I'm privileged to even be in this situation. ❤️

TL/DR: Do I stay in a well-paid, secure job that doesn't bring happiness and actually negatively affects my mental health because of it? Or: Do I take the plunge into the unknown and give up the securities I have now for something that could potentially (but not guaranteed) not only make me happy but bring me opportunities as well?

Okay, here's the deal. Currently, I work in education. I've been teaching for 19 years, and for the last 3 years, I've held the position that best translates to special needs coordinator at the school where I've been all of my working life. In short, my job entails making sure the teachers have the tools they need to help all kids in their classes with special educational needs, to make sure each child ends up in the right form of education fitting their needs and dealing a lot with difficult or even alarming home situations. My job can be rewarding at times, and challenging at others. Aside from this, I've been part of the management team at my school for almost 8 years. I work at a big school. It wasn't big when I started there, but it's big now. I have a degree in Early Childhood Education, and that's also the age group I've always dealt with. It's the age group I've always taught, and it's the age group currently under my supervision in the position I'm now.

This past year, I've struggled with my mental health, as I've mentioned before, and have not been at work fully for a while. My therapist and I established that while work is "okay", it's also not bringing me joy anymore while my job was once the happiest and most passionate thing I did. Right now, it's blah. This position is not one that really suits me, yet I don't want to go back to teaching either. I've been there, done that. Add to that the fact that, come September, my boss requires me to change my position slightly. I'd be doing the same thing I do now, but for an older age group. This has given me a lot of stomach aches, because the thing that still drives me to do my job now is the fact that I'm doing it geared towards the youngest kids in school.

All in all, the job is not bringing me happiness in the slightest anymore. Having said that, I know a lot of people do jobs that don't make them happy, but it pays the bills, so let's suck it up and just do it. Which is fine, I can do that too, except my mental health suffers...

However, there are a few good things about this job too:

The pay is really good

I have lovely colleagues

I have a lot of credits here because I've been here for so long. They know my worth

I have a very understanding boss who's been nothing short of wonderful during my depression

(If you're still with me, thank you for reading this essay all the way, it's appreciated 💗)

My therapist asked me, "If money weren't a factor, what would you be doing?" My answer was "write." More specifically, I just want to stay home all day and work on ATOH, but no one is going to pay me for that. 😄 So, write, or do a job in which writing plays a role. So, she advised me to start looking for jobs that fit that description. It was a rather depressing search. Most jobs that came close to what I'd like to do require degrees or diplomas I don't have.

And then I suddenly stumbled upon something: Assistent Project Manager at a small, but well established company that creates educational projects (usually based on children's books), books and materials geared towards early childhood education in particular, and currently expanding to do the same for education to older kids as well.

I felt like I had found the holy grail. This is writing, this is editing, this is being creative, this is working with authors, but it's also closely related to early childhood education, the thing I know so well. Despite still being semi depressed, I felt like I needed to at least give this a shot. So, I wrote a letter, enclosed my resume, and waited. I didn't have to wait long, because a few days later I got an invite for an interview.

I went for the interview and was welcomed at a small and very homely office space (with an office cat!). We had a good talk and I left happy. They invited me to do a "trial day" with them, which is what I'll be doing today. They've had a lot of applicants for this position, but from the contact we've had since, it seems like I stand a good chance.

Sounds like a no-brainer? Perhaps, unless you have my brain... Because there are doubts:

Pay. This job pays quite a bit less than my current one. I'm a single parent and therefore sole breadwinner in my household. Currently, I make quite good money because I've been in this job for a long time and hold a relatively high position in the organisation. We can pay the bills, go on holidays, and even splurge occasionally (for example, the very pricey laptop I bought a few months ago). With this job, I would still make enough to pay the bills and go on holidays, but I will need to keep an eye on the money, and there won't be splurging for a while. I do know this sounds like a luxury problem to some.

Job security. In my current job, I'm under a fixed contract. Basically, unless I royally fuck up, I can't be fired. With this job I'd start on a year contract. After that year, they can either decide to give me another year or let me go. This won't just be if I mess up, but also if they decide I'm not the best person for the job after all, or if I don't fit in with their small, close-knit team. Worst case scenario; they let me go, and I'll have to go back to education and probably teach again.

These doubts are few, but strong. So, basically, like I already said above: do I stay in a well-paid, secure job that doesn't bring happiness and actually negatively affects my mental health because of it? Or: do I take the plunge into the unknown and give up the securities I have now for something that could potentially (but not guaranteed) not only make me happy but bring me opportunities as well (since it's publishing)?

I don't need anyone to actually answer those questions, but those are the wonderings on my mind I wanted to write down. Thanks for reading. ❤️

[creature-wizard]

"Paganism isn't a Burger King or a Chinese buffet, you can't just pick and choose what you want" is bad rhetoric, and here's why.

I recently got an anon message telling me that paganism isn't like a Burger King or a Chinese buffet; you can't just have things your way or pick and choose what you like, and that "everything was organized a certain way for a reason" and that you "change the system at your own risk."

I pointed out that this is an incredibly historically-uninformed take, because there's never been a time or place in history where paganism was pure and unchanging, and there were many reasons for things being the way things were, most of them just not that deep or mysterious. (For example, politics.)

Anon sent a follow-up message stating that they were talking about cultural appropriation, which... strange if true, given that I hadn't been posting anything about appropriation recently.

In fact, it seems that the post this person was responding to was a post about pop culture witchcraft, given that the OP of that post got an anon message with the words "Chinese buffet analogy" and "pop culture paganism" in the same sentence. (It seems this person doesn't understand the difference between witchcraft and paganism. Common beginner mistake, but also, oof.) Said post wasn't encouraging any kind of appropriative behavior, but go off I guess, anon.

In any case, this kind of restaurant rhetoric isn't even good for safeguarding against cultural appropriation. It doesn't actually explain why cultural appropriation is a problem, and functionally just tells people to stay with what they they've been taught and don't question it. If anything, it reminds me of conservative Christian rhetoric telling people that they can't be Christian and pro-LGBTQ+ because "you can't pick and choose which parts of the Bible to follow." (And I think we can all agree that we're better off when Christians decide to ignore this kind of sentiment.)

And speaking of conservative Christianity, people trying to get away from that kind of crap are generally not the kind of people who appreciate being stuck in shitty little boxes and being told they have to follow the rules Or Else. If you use this line on them, sooner or later they'll probably decide that this whole notion of cultural appropriation is a bunch of xenophobic, dogmatic crap, and they're not going to care anymore.

And if it does work on them? If they do internalize it? Congratulations, you've just taught them that policing people's practices for Not Being Pagan Enough is the way to go. This is how you get people harassing each other and putting each other down over total non-issues. It also means that they're less likely to think critically about their own beliefs and practices, and realize that maybe, just maybe, they're actually kinda shitty.

We should be able to explain to people that being mindful of cultural appropriation is about respecting other people's boundaries, access, and general welfare. We should be able to explain the actual harm that cultural appropriation does. Here are some examples:

The high demand for white sage among neopagans has contributed to overharvesting of white sage for commercial sale. This has resulted in ecological damage and made it more difficult for Natives to access the herb.

Ancient astronaut theorists twist and distort myths and traditions from numerous non-white cultures to make it seem as if they support a pseudohistorical narrative in which aliens supposedly built structures such as the Great Pyramids and Puma Punku. This narrative is linked with far right conspiracy theories in general. Those who speak out against the appropriation of their cultures' myths are regarded as unenlightened or agents of the conspiracy.

Commercializing aspects of marginalized culture to sell to the masses is essentially a form of exploitation; large companies benefit while they get nothing. Basically, if you wouldn't support intellectual property theft, you shouldn't support this kind of thing.

Said commercial products typically reinforce harmful stereotypes and misconceptions about said cultures.

In reality, there's no reason why people shouldn't pick and choose what they want provided they are minding boundaries. If somebody wants to worship Freya and Mercury and ignore other Norse and Roman gods, it literally hurts nobody.

There are many things that paganism is not. Paganism is not an unchanging monolith. Paganism is not decreed to us by an infallible authority. "Paganism" genuinely isn't even a very useful term to talk about Europe's rich tapestry of polytheistic beliefs with. But one thing that it is, is up to us, the living practitioners.

[merakiui]

Hello! It is me, the anon that asked where you are in Penacony. I am also Amethyst Anon! I’ve sent ideas and stuff before about other stuff, mostly TWST, through anon cause I’m shy, but I want to be more involved with my blog so here I am off anon :3

Anyways, Sunday has officially rotted my brain. I lost interest in HSR because the Luofu storyline was kinda…meh to me, but seeing all this stuff about Sunday on tumblr made me go 👀 While I did have some things spoiled for me, playing it was still sooooo fun and every time he was on screen I was blushing hehe

Anyways, he has so much yandere potential that I came up with so many ideas that I might (?) want to pursue with writing once I muster up the courage to start writing again (I’ve got a difficult relationship with it rn 😫). I jotted them down in my phone and I just have to share them lest I explode. Dw there won’t be anything that spoils past where you said you’re at!

Okay, so there’s that ability that Halovians have that he referred to as tuning. When he used it to interrogate Aventurine I was scared and horny, and thought about Sunday using it on his darling. I don’t remember exactly how it works so this is at the top of my head but! everyday he’ll ask “Question: do you love me?” and of course you say no. It’s easy to answer that because it’s the truth. But one day when you say “no” you feel a searing pain in your head, like you’re being torn apart, and you’re horrified to realize that for the first time since he used his tuning ability on you, you’re lying. It doesn’t hurt to admit the truth (literally - the pain instantly goes away) but you feel your heart breaking forever…

I think that little diorama of Golden Hour he has in the pavilion technically belongs to every head in the family, but I like to think Sunday is fixated on it the most. Imagine he puts you there as punishment. Okay, you don’t want to spend time with him? (And he has so little free time, how could you be so cruel?) Into the makeshift doll house you go! He’ll loom over you like a giant and you can try to run and hide from his sight, but he can easily pick you up like you’re a little mouse, gently laying you on the palm of your hand. I think he’d like to undress and dress you while you’re so tiny, you’re his little delicate doll >:3c

So the part where the crew win the Soulglad competition and Sunday makes them answer three questions based on his life experiences, I felt like I was being personally targeted 😫 The fact that I had to choose one option or the other, with no room for nuance, and that for the first two I actually AGREED with him made me feel like he was psychologically tormenting me. Self aware Sunday who knows he’s in a video game??? I don’t think he’d need his tuning ability to manipulate you. All he has to do is talk in order to get you questioning yourself.

And perhaps my most unhinged idea…Sunday using tuning to make you cum without even having to touch you :3c

Hehe…those are my thots! I have so much more but they have to do with rest of the Penacony story! Btw the photo of him in the confessional…I instantly saved on my phone. Have you ever seen a man more beautiful?…And I also saved a screen shot of what Himeko said about him…

…Dom!Sunday aksiejskakakwnsnqjnan

( ˶°ㅁ°) !! Amethyst anon, hello!!!!!!! It is lovely to chat with you off anon!! I must thank you for always sending such wonderful thoughts hehe. <3

I am officially trapped in the Sunday pit. It's like Kikuo's Hole-Dwelling, only this is the Sunday-Dwelling, an inescapable pit in which all are destined to love him forever. Every day is Sunday if you're obsessed like me. OTL hsr cooked such an exquisite meal. I fear no character can compete with Sunday,,,, he is perfect. ✨

I'm happy you could enjoy Penacony despite being spoiled! The entirety of the Luofu storyline was spoiled for me, but I still enjoyed it because I got to fight Phantylia. She's so pretty uuwuwaaa. >w< that aside, I was also blushing whenever there was a scene with Sunday. I've taken so many screenshots of him,,, it's crazy how one man can rot my brain so intensely, but this is no different than my adoration for Scara and Azul. orz

The tuning ability AAAAAAAAAAA. That entire scene was so tense. I loved it. Poor Aventurine really didn't stand a chance. T_T Sunday plays 4D chess; it's impossible to beat him. That's such a brilliant idea,,,, Sunday using his tuning ability on you. The way you slowly but surely adopt different thoughts as your brain feels like it's burning. Inevitably, just as birds crash to their deaths, you will love him.

The Golden Hour model..... omg I had the same thought when Aventurine was shrunk and put inside it. Sunday who peers down at you and you're nothing more than a tiny ant from his perspective, perfectly palm-sized. He would treat you like a little doll and put you in all kinds of outfits, and you have no choice but to remain still because he could crush you between two fingers if he so pleases. Maybe he builds a small cage for you so that he can keep you at his bedside when he sleeps. :D

THOSE QUESTIONS!!!! I couldn't believe it, but I was also agreeing with him. It was a moment of, "Hold on. Let him keep talking." When Sunday also said that all days should be rest days (Sundays), I realized he may have been cooking with that one. ;;;;; self-aware Sunday is such a yummy thought... he's not asking the Trailblazer these questions; he's asking you, the person behind the Trailblazer. aaaaa it really is psychological torment. >_<

Tuning to make you cum without even lifting a finger or touching you...... omg that's genius. The way he'd be so coy and self-satisfied,,, smiling at you... maybe even doing that cute, sinister chuckle of his under his breath. He would be so mischievous with that once he realizes just how wonderful it is seeing you come apart from something like this. Sunday who becomes a little too attached to teasing you!!!!

AAAAAA your thoughts are all so scrumptious...... orz orz I'm eating them up like they're to be my last meal. The confessional scene is burned into my brain forever. Even now, I'm still shocked that such a beautiful character like Sunday exists. Nothing can ever surpass the greatness that is the confessional scene and all of Sunday's religious symbolism!!!!! >:D

AND THAT HIMEKO QUOTE!!!!! I also saved it as soon as I read it,,,, the "strong conviction and a desire for dominance." Himeko, you cannot do this to me.... making such an observation like that!!!!! It's dangerous for my heart. (๑﹏๑//) dom Sunday........... AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

[desertthorn]

Ok, I'm getting caught up in Face and BA's practically non-existent relationship. I could go on forever, but I'm on mobile with long nails, so I'll stick to some bullet points for now to preserve my sanity.

•One thing I've noticed is how fucking difficult it is to find examples of Face and BA interacting. Just them standing next to each other is a whole lot of work to track down. 9 times out of 10 Face is next to Hannibal or Murdock where he feels most comfortable, ironically the same goes for BA. BA will take an order from Face at the appropriate times, but when they stand next to each other, they hardly ever interact if at all. One exception is that BA doesn't tend to react to anything Face says unless he's angry like in 'Black Day at Bad Rock' and 'Chopping Spree' or unless he's making fun of Face. In fact, I've noticed BA almost only ever teases Face. He yells a lot at Murdock and will argue with Hannibal, but he will outright make fun of Face.

It's also some of the only times BA smiles and laughs. Nearly every time this happens, BA isn't looking at Face at the time. He'll have his eyes on the road or being doing something with his hands that his eyes never leave. When Face ever tries to engage with BA, there is almost no reaction at all.

Face just waits for the tiniest nod before he moves on.

But once in a great while we get something like this:

This is one of the only times I can think of that they actually have a conversation. Face is complaining like he does, and BA responds with something insightful.

So to sum up, minus orders, there are basically three types of interactions between them.

1- BA mostly ignores Face while Face tries to talk to him.

2- BA teasing Face.

3- BA is angry at Face.

So why do you think that is?

• Here's what I've been thinking about.

Face lies for a living, BA doesn't like lying. Let's start there. I think when Face looks at BA and tries to talk to him, BA chooses to not react because it gives him the upper hand. Can't get scammed if you don't play your part. Not that he thinks he's being scammed, but BA has seen enough to almost always have his guard up. There is a lot of respect for Hannibal that let's BA feel more comfortable around him and with Murdock he gets affection whether he wants it or not, that's just how Murdock rolls. So for BA he's not making a choice until it comes to his interactions with Face. Now for Face, he has the same thing with Hannibal and Murdock, no emotional work needed there, but when it comes to BA he's at a loss. He can't scam his way into friendship with BA, but he can't be too genuine either. It's in his nature to also have his guard up, so there are two walls put up between them at all times. The biggest difference is you can tell Face wants to be friends with BA and despite the walls, Face trusts his friend/not friend probably more than he realizes. The poor kid was probably pretty lonely as a child so having this little family means a lot to him even if he is somewhat unaware of it. When Face tries to leave, he address the whole team, but it's BA who responds first. It seems to kinda take Face by surprise. So he tries to make light of the situation. Look at the two of them at the end here:

It's probably the only time they've ever embraced and it's clearly uncomfortable, but neither of them hesitates. Their guards both drop for just long enough to be friends. I know everyone focuses on Murdock in this scene, but I always notice this more.

•One last thing I'd like to add is from 'Black Day at Bad Rock'.

While Face is pacing back and forth in Dr. Sullivan's living room talking about how BA is gonna kill him, Hannibal says "Face, BA loves you." When Face doubles back and says "he does?" Hannibal responds, "Told me himself" (those lines are from memory and may be a little off, but the intention remains). Face is genuinely taken aback by every time he is informed of or experiences BA's affection for him, cuz he honestly can't see it 90% of the time.

Then there's this:

It was one of the only times we see them make eye contact and see BA smile. I'm not gonna get into much more here than BA starting angry and ending with him making fun of Face, there's too much here lol, but this is the best example of their dynamic.

.

.

I've gotta go, I can only type with one finger for so long, but I've been sitting on this and had to get it out. Feel free to add on!

[miilkyrolls]

okay fine, Murder at homecoming, YOU WIN

so i finally finished MaH after putting off continuing past chapter 1 since like...february and, i almost used this book as a diamond mine cause i preemptively was like "this looks lame 😒"

... i came, i laughed, i gasped, i yelled, i cried and i left... then i CAME BACK BECAUSE HOLY MOTHER OF REPLAY-ABILITY BATMAN🥲

but no this book hits right where it needed too. I know one of the biggest upsets people have with MaH is A) the villain being guessable and B) not solving Perdita's disappearance and sorta C/ B.2) it being a standalone. and imo for A, that's up to you to feel that way. imo cause choices is a visual form of content, it's kinda hard to have genuinely surprising "twist" villains cause the visuals already clue you into who done-did it unless they pull the twist straight out they ass(i feel this way about movies and shows too. the only way surprises genuinely get me is in books or podcasts, so non visual entertainment)

and B/C, i actually think NOT solving perdita's story AND making it a standalone was actually very mature of PB (first and possibly last time i'll ever say that in this day and age 💀). it's possible they might've made it their next teen drama series if they had the budget. But unfortunately it's honestly realistic. unfortunately a lot of women go missing and rarely do they get found alive and in a short amount of time (esp if you have as a bipoc mc/ perdita). it's an extremely tragic cookie crumble that unfortunately a lot of mysteries in our lives often take us our entire lives to solve and a lot of them we'll never solve in our lifetime. it's a great paradox / parallel to gabbie's death. it took us all of say 4/5 months (cause in the US, most schools go on winter break in late December) to solve with justice being fairly swift, fair, and harsh but unfortunately a lot of victims don't get their day for a long while, if ever. it's a healthy ying and yang of enjoying fictional justice but it being unrealistic with acknowledging the devastation of losing real victims while acknowledging those lost and their unsung stories that we should never completely give up on their days to come. (ofc however, i hc that perdita is still alive and uncovered corruption in the city and knew that making her family deal with legal repercussions would make their lives more difficult and be ostracized by the elites of Beachwood, so she just left and changed her identity. i like to think she did it also cause MC deserved to have a normal teenhood and not be ousted for her actions)

also i love the open and candid conversations around the treatment of queer children, bipoc mistreatment , misogyny, sa and grief. idk why but the ability to choose if you'd experienced homophobia/ transphobia based on your pronouns and who you've romanced, and tyler talking about thinking he was straight before meeting us (i had a masc body) idk why but i like that touch. i feel like PB kinda grazes over the aspect of being queer / trans and the concept of love, coming out, and society acceptance when your same sex romancing/ nonbinary so it's real shocking when they actually..idk address that thing😭. it's nice to have characters acknowledging their sexuality rather then just be automatically playersexual and everyone around them is just immediately accepting/ suddenly bigotry just seems to evaporate for mc's life/ society

also also, WE CAN BE POLY AND LIKE ITS CALLED POLY AND EVERYONE IS HAPPY AND THE LI WE DON'T CHOOSE AREN'T FORCED ONTO US/ GIVEN AS A OPTION

smaller things: i like the heavy usage of sound effects, idk why but i do. i like the flashbacks into mc's and perdita's relationship, the mix of free and paid clues that are non linear, STEVIE (yes she needs her own category)

overall: 9.2/10. i really like this book, it's going on my personal shelf next to the likes of crimes of passion (minus proposal...), Queen B, big sky country, blood bound, immortal desires 1, and with every heartbeat for my good book shelf

[miquellah]

aiming my Frenzied Flame character at you maliciously

ghdfgd I liked thinking about Frenzied Flame characters as these possessing agents who go around being incredibly unsubtle and so I made Aberdon... for his story when the tarnished (prophet who had a Different kinda vision of flame) died to the grafted scion they just. didn't come back. (and additionally was a kinda manfailure who was already Going Through It and was barely getting himself to keep going to the point he died)

Then enters Aberdon! Possessing a copy of the body the same way Hyetta does with Irina or Shabriri with Yura. His particular flavor of Frenzy Plan is "I need to prove to everyone that the lord of frenzied flame is the correct choice." So his run involved doing every single NPC quest, and whenever they got to the point where they might Wish For Death he would deliver it - and the few who decided that they would continue on despite him waiting for them to reach their moment of despair he would just Kill Anyways because it just Incensed Him.

Like the whole thang is he's a spirit of despair born of a truly pathetic person who just wishes to justify his own unhappiness by giving it to everyone else. Going through betraying everyone and just sitting around waiting for them to decide life was no longer worth it.

ghfdg and as a final sidenote while I love evil chars it was also difficult to actually put myself thru it cause I did feel bad a lot when it came time to actually kill npcs for the sake of the character concept

REALLLL not enough people actually put the reincarnation lore to much use, especially in regards to like. whatever the FUCK hyetta and shabriri are doing. that’s so cool… the grafted scion fight actually having Consequences also feels very demons souls, so extra fun

i feel like that sort of route also rly capitalizes on the frenzied flame’s schtick of both “mercy killing” as well as “choosing what (i feel) is right for you”. shabriri obviously tries to coax the tarnished with the END of the path being the big mercy kill, but i haven’t actually thought about all the npc routes fleshing that out as well! nod nods

my frenzy guy is kinda similar, albeit he’s a demigod so its more Personal. he doesnt terribly try to convert others to understanding the chaos tho, he’s a lot more tight-lipped with the intent of just. more or less springing it on everyone at the end HAHA. i would say Aberdon making such a mess might attract a bit of undue attention, butttt when you’re killing everybody in the path regardless, and ABLE to do that. well shouldnt be too much problem then lol

AND YEAHHH ACTUALLY FOLLOWING THROUGH IN-GAME CAN BE SO!! ROUGH. i LIKE playing through each character’s file as IC as possible, but sometimes i will skip particularly painful bits and go “ok well in canon it went another way. WHATEVER”

[teamfreewill56-blog]

Can you rank the hashiras and reasons why?

This ask took way longer than I thought it would, I believe I overthought the question and then it took me a while to really think over the hashira and choose. And putting it into words took longer than I expected.

@plutonianmoons I interpreted this question as who do I rank in terms of favorites and why, if you meant it in another way shoot me another ask and I’ll respond. I’m going to start with the list so that those who don’t want to know my reasons don’t have to go hunting for where their favorite hashira is. 

Kyojuro Rengoku

Uzui Tengen

Mitsuri Kanroji

Muichiro 

Shinobu

Sanemi

Iguro

Giyuu

Gyomei

Kyojuro Rengoku

I feel like this will come as a surprise to absolutely nobody lol. He’s my favorite character after all and probably my favorite of all time. I hopefully have been able to sprinkle my reasoning of why I love Kyojuro so much throughout my posts so I will try not to ramble too much. Though, not repeating myself is kinda impossible haha.  

Kyojuro resonates with me so deeply, and even I don’t fully understand why. One reason I think is because he makes me feel….seen. His struggles and grief and pain, and how it came about, a lot of it I can relate to, it hits very close to home for me. And seeing what he goes through and how he dealt with it, its helped me to see and realize that my own experiences and feelings are valid, and its helped me process things I haven’t been able to, even with years of therapy. He isn’t just a ball of sunshine who hides his pain, that’s such a gloss over. He IS a flame, all his feelings make him burn, his anger, righteous and otherwise, his love of his family, his comrades, of his hobbies, the way he devotes his all into everything he does and how so many of his actions are driven by love and compassion and that that’s what drives him to be so duty-bound. He’s someone like many of us, has gone through grief and pain and so much and because of his situation didn’t get to have it addressed or dealt with, he just figured out how to live with it. I love how he isn’t Mr. Positive, if he is confronted by something negative, by someone’s hurt feelings he addresses it, he validates, and yet he’s not perfect in doing that either, because with some people he can’t address it even though he wants to. I love brave he is, standing up for others but also facing criticism and cynicism and hatred again and again and being so certain of his creed and who he is that he doesn’t let those things infest him, he burns them up immediately. I love how much he loves Ruka, how even though he lost her at such a young age he never resented her but kept her with him always. He thought of her, shared his memories of her, she touched every aspect of who he grew up to be and he never forgot that. I love that even though he is stubborn he isn’t unyielding where it matters. If he makes a snap judgment and realizes it he will change it, will he always? No probably not because just like everyone else that’s going to be different from situation to situation. I love how even though he was told he could never be a Hashira and that he should abandon it, that he didn’t. He worked and worked and worked and he accomplished it. I love how warm and welcoming he is to others, that even though he can sit there stiff as a board he does things that make you know he’s paying attention, the way he invites the Corp member from Mugen Train episode 1 to join him, the way he pats the seat indicating he wants Tanjiro to sit right next to him. The way he gives Senjuro his complete attention and focus when they are talking about emotionally difficult topics. I love how he is honest when he easily could lie to try to spare feelings and yet he is so careful and mindful during those times too. I love how freaking intelligent he is, and that it’s subtle. That it’s not just book intelligence but he’s just actually intelligent. The conversations he has, the way he breaks down what’s going on around him, the choices he makes when he acts. The questions he ponders and asks himself and tries to figure out the answer to. The fact that when Shinjuro told him he didn’t have what it takes to become a Hashira, the way that he thought about that question and pondered it and came to his answer---he could have just got upset and hurt and focused on those feelings, but he didn’t, he delved into it and found his answer. I love his expressions, and I know people joke that sometimes there’s not a thought going on behind his eyes but I disagree, I think he looks like that cause his brain is thinking of so much at once. I love how he has a bunch of shared traits with the other Hashira but in a way that’s uniquely him. I will cut myself off here because if I don’t I’m never gonna stop lol. 

2. Uzui Tengen

One of the reasons I love Tengen is I was so surprised by him, I thought I was going to hate this man’s guts--especially after his introduction to the boys. But instead it was just character beat after character beat of why I would and do like him. You look at him and its like “oh he’s the wild one” but he actually isn’t. He had a lapse of judgment and was rushing when he kidnapped Aoi and wasn’t thinking straight but he also got talked out of taking her pretty easily. I don’t like that he slapped her butt, and I think its still a weird thing for him to do but its in there and I’m sure his wives and Shinobu got on him for that whole incident. But after that we see quickly that he’s one of the responsible ones, and like Kyojuro he really really cares about people and their safety, he sees and acknowledges the boys as boys and does his best to take care of them and watch over them while at the District. Of course, he doesn’t do it perfectly, but he does a pretty damn good job. I love that he actually verbally acknowledges to them that he made mistakes and he put them in danger and owns his poor behavior and decisions. I love that once Zenitsu gets taken he instructs Tanjiro and Inosuke to leave and gives them that important wisdom that surviving isn’t a loss and it isn’t failing. I love that he doesn’t try to shoo the boys off once they are in the fight, he adapts and lets them help him. And even though he lets them stay he consistently is making moves to protect them during the fight and trying to take as much weight off them as he can. He is aware of what the boys’ states are in the midst of the fight and tries to finish things quickly and change the battle to keep them safe. I also love his dynamic with them--he absolutely understands how teenage boys are and how they work and he lets them be boys in his presence without letting them do something terrible. Inosuke gets overwhelmed and starts trying to headbutt people and just rampage in his anxiety? No you don’t boar boy back over here with me. Zenitsu wanders off and starts getting enticed by the women? Boy don’t you even think about going in there I will carry you by the collar through the whole place. His dynamic with Zenitsu is so fun, because they bicker at each other and he teases him like a guy who is 10+ years older than their younger brother would. I love how Tengen truly loves his wives, and that he doesn’t love them all in the same way or show love in the same way to them all. He knows his wives and treats them as his individual partners. I love how calculating but also wild he is in his fighting. His fight with Gyutaro and Daki was such fun to watch. 

3. Mitsuri Kanroji

I love how Mitsuri allows herself to feel all her feelings, how once she stops pretending to be who and what she isn’t, our Love Hashira wears herself completely on her sleeve. And she isn’t ashamed of it or prideful about it. In her fight against Zohakuten she starts out confidently attacking him, jumps right in there and saves Tanjiro and her character beats are so good, she’s freaked out about how big Zohakuten’s dragons are and yet immediately turns her attention to Tanjiro with a smile, confidence and warmth. She sets him down and tells him to take a break, praises him and tells him she’ll take care of it. When Zohakuten calls her a “shameless tramp” she shows such a genuine reaction of shock and upset and I can’t help but adore how honest she is in showing her feelings and being able to show multiple feelings at once. She isn’t arrogant when confronting Zohakuten that first time, but even then, she doesn’t stay dwelling on the fact that he insults her she is ready to go and move to attack once Zohakuten strikes at her. When the dragons start dodging her and moving faster she doesn’t hide her feelings of nervousness, she shows her panic but she doesn’t stop attacking or give up, she just freaking adapts and keeps going, seriously goes “can I take on this many at once?” AND THEN JUST DOES IT. She gets smacked point blank in the face with a sonic blast and instinctively defends her whole body by tensing it up. I love how her confidence isn’t iron-clad, insults, harsh words and reactions, they all hurt her and she doesn’t ignore them but tries to deal with them the best way she can, even if sometimes its the wrong way like she does when she becomes more reserved after finding out Shinobu’s reason for being a Slayer. I love that instead of being ugly or mean to the person who is ugly or mean to her, she honestly defends herself and feels her feelings without trying to hurt the other person. I love how she wants to have a husband but also wants to help people love themselves and once she becomes a slayer these two things no longer conflict for her. She loves people and trusts that one day she’ll find a good man in the Corp to marry. I love how genuine she is with her acceptance of people. She genuinely accepts Tanjiro and Nezuko and treats Nezuko like a younger sister, hugging her, singing with her, playing with her, and protecting her. The fact that she sheds tears of joy seeing not only that Nezuko is alive but also talking--there’s no doubt she loves these kids. Her love for people as individuals is so strong:  even though Genya is mean to her she wanted to talk to him, when she saves the Village leader and he makes a flirty comment she teasingly chides him. And in both instances she could have gotten really angry but didn’t. Nor does she call Genya names or anything, and she talks about him kindly when he’s brought up later. I love how Mitsuri actually is willing to do the tough things, but isn’t shy about saying how she feels about it. I love how she never actually hated the things that made her different, she always cherished them, but it just took her a little while to reach her full acceptance. I love how much she has in common with Kyojuro and that in some instances you can see it and it doesn’t have to be brought up. Mitsuri reminds me a lot of Sailor Moon’s Usagi and I kind of love that. 

4. Tokito Muichiro

Muichiro is part of my little brother baby trio. Comprised of Muichiro, Genya and Senjuro. I love how well this amnesic child does deadpan humor and yet in the same breath can be so RELENTLESSLY sassy. Like I’m sure Tengen thinks he is the sass master but Muichiro would DEVESTATE HIM. His sass is sharp and clever and our little Mist Hashira knows how to time his humor beats perfectly and in the optimal way to jab his opponent. The way that he’s passive-aggressive while he has amnesia, without meaning to be is also really funny. Karate-chopping Tanjiro, holding his nose to make him wake up, like Muichiro really is going for the fastest route here. 

I also love how fierce he is, like yes Muichiro was taunting Gyokko but he was not messing around in his fighting and you could see it in how he moved. Plus the way that he came at Gyokko from within the mist and then minced him into sushi? So hardcore.

 I adore how he isn’t bitter about having amnesia, like, he could very easily and rightfully be angry and upset and hold those feelings but he doesn’t. Instead, he focuses on trying to remember things but also not let it stress him out if he can’t. I love how truly kind and gentle he is, even when Yuichiro was being mean to him and aggressive, Muichiro didn’t return that. He loved and cared and respected every member of his family. He admired all of them.

I love how his motives to originally become a swordsman were so pure and kind-hearted and that he wanted to help people the way their parents taught them. I love how when he regained his memories he was able to revisit those memories and realize that his brother did love him, that he was worried and scared and just a 10-year old trying to take care of his only remaining family. I admire so much that he was able and willing to think about his past and realize that the way he thought about his brother was wrong and not the truth. His relationship with Tanjiro is so adorable, like hands down Tanjiro is his favorite person and the favoritism and kindness he shows Tanjiro after he gets his memories back is so cute it’s like that aggressive best friend who is nice only to their bestie and just a terror to everyone else. 

5. Shinazugawa Sanemi 

There are so many wonderful, devoted big brothers in Demon Slayer and Sanemi is one of the top for me. We can tell in Genya’s flashbacks that Sanemi was completely committed to his role as provider and caretaker for their family. He loved and respected his mother and he loved his siblings and Genya trying to support him and stand with him back then meant so much to him and you can tell. Even after what happened to their siblings and mother, that devotion stayed, Sanemi just had to go about it differently.

I think the way he acts towards people is understandable although not justified, like many other characters he was completely unaware of demons before his family got slaughtered and unlike Gyomei, Giyuu and Tanjiro his family got slaughtered by his own mother and he killed her not realizing it was her until too late, and then had to deal with the realization that he killed his mother as well as having the brother he fought tooth and nail to protect curse him and things just got worse from there. Yes, Sanemi isn’t the only one who has lost comrades but he is one of the few slayers who has to wonder if a demon showing up is because of him and not the other way around. He never hated Genya for the things he said when their mom died, he was never bitter towards him. He loved him and knew his little brother well enough to know how kind hearted and sensitive Genya was and that’s why he was so harsh because he was so scared of losing Genya too and of Genya going through the traumas he had. Scared enough that he was willing to maim him if it meant getting him out of the Corp. And more than willing to let Genya hate him forever. I mean seriously, think about the mental and emotional will power you’d have to conjure up to be able to look at your younger brother who is pleading to talk to you and make the decision to try and blind him and keep insisting you’re not family. I don’t agree it was the right thing to do but the fact that he could even bring himself to attempt that geez. 

 Not to mention hearing Genya had eaten demon flesh probably scared him because that kind of makes Genya a demon and if he goes out of control someone would have to kill him. I think his rage is understandable, I think his anger initially at Nezuko and Tanjiro is very understandable and it’s shown on his face when he looks down after Nezuko rejects his blood. This demon rejects human flesh, why couldn’t my mom? Why did I have to kill my mom, lose all my siblings and lose my remaining brother, lose my best friend, but this kid gets to keep his sister who is a demon? Would anyone else in his shoes respond differently? I really doubt it. 

 I love how he’s like the unexpected wild child of the Hashira---not completely unexpected I mean look at him--but the fact that he just pulls an Inosuke and just picks fights with people left and right and he really seems to enjoy his fights but he’s also not ignorant about it. He is aware of what’s going on and he is calculating and strategizing and he’s so -adaptive- like Sanemi will try literally anything in battle if he thinks there’s even a hint it might work. The fact that he knows how to be annoying and cocky to his opponent but isn’t arrogant in his fighting (exception being his fights with Giyuu I think) is a refreshing take on this type of character. Sanemi doesn’t think he can beat everybody, he doesn’t think he’s invincible but that’s okay with him because he still wants to try it regardless. And like Muichiro he knows how to push those buttons and he has such fun doing it and honestly, I have so much fun watching him antagonize his opponents. 

6. Obanai Iguro

I love Iguro’s design. I love that he could have just hated people and cursed them because that’s kind of what you’d expect from someone who’s own family treated them the way the Iguro clan did to Obanai. His family sliced open his face, tried to sacrifice him to a demon and then cursed him for surviving when it backfired on them. He had no social interaction until he was friggin 11 with anyone outside of his messed up family. I appreciate how honest he is about his reasons for being a demon slayer. He isn’t doing this to be noble or because its the right thing. He wants to try to purge his family’s tainted blood from himself by killing demons for others, knowing he can never truly purge that blood but at least its -something-. I love how even though he was hurt all for the sake of a snake demon that he doesn’t hate Kabamaru (check spelling) and he treats that precious white snake so well and that Kabamaru isn’t just a decoration but his partner. I appreciate how even though he doesn’t know how to tell Mitsuri he loves her verbally---he’s constantly showing it. Writing letters back and forth with her, sitting with her and just letting her eat as much as she wants, giving her socks that match her eyes because he knew she was uncomfortable at first with her uniform. When she starts trying to explain how she got the Demon Slayer Mark and its all gibberish and he just face palms---not even upset just like “my poor wife she’s doing her best”. The way that he gets jealous of Tanjiro being buddy buddy with Mitsuri is so funny because its so stupid and yet he has Muichiiro’s petty streak, just listing off all the Corp members “crimes” when Tanjiro is like “did these people commit some sort of crime?” I love how he changed his mind about Tanjiro and he was -such- a good battle partner with Tanjiro when it was just the two of them for a bit. The fact that he got right between Tanjiro and Muzan’s Akira-like jaws knowing that would definitely kill him, he didn’t go to pin Muzan he went directly to save Tanjiro from getting swallowed.To me it seemed so clear that in this final battle Iguro accepted Tanjiro and supported him, they worked as a team and Loner Iguro is good at it I can’t wait to see him in the new anime content. 

7. Kocho Shinobu 

Shinobu is also kind of a typical anime girl but I still like her. Short angry girl is a pretty common trope but she does it well. I love that she is biting and vicious with a smile on her face, kind of like what you expect from the stereotypical mean rich girl, but you can tell that’s also not Shinobu because she will -actually- mess you up in a heartbeat. I love that she’s not a “mean girl”, she loves her friends and her butterfly girls and she cares a lot about people and she’s not ashamed of being a “healer”. I love that instead of writing herself off, “I’m small and therefore can’t fight the same as everyone else” she figured out a method that worked for her, and it is probably one of the worst ways a demon can die---it’s definitely the most painful. I love how one way she showed Kanae her love for her was choosing to always smile even though she’s never actually happy. That it’s not forced positivity, and Kanae wasn’t asking that of her. But it was “My sister loved my smile, so I will continue to smile for her.” I love how she is constantly stepping in to show support to the characters. Talking to Kyojuro before he left, confronting Mitsuri about her starving herself once she found out about it, encouraging and showing happiness for Kanao starting to speak up for herself and being a sort of mother figure for Inosuke where she cared for him but was also able to discipline him in a way that no one else really could. I do feel like her best interactions are when she’s with Zenitsu, Douma and Giyuu but it could just be that I find those moments with her to be the most fun and entertaining. 

8. Tokito Giyuu

Giyuu’s is kinda funny because he’s typically the type of anime character who is my favorite in a series but compared to the previous 7, yeah he’s here. I do love that he’s a tried and true introvert, like he is a devoted Hashira but at the same time gives off the Shikamaru vibe of “Gosh I’d rather be at home”. I enjoy that even though he has a bond with Tanjiro that doesn’t like cure him of his introvertness, he still gets overwhelmed by Tanjiro sometimes and is just like “no, not today” and tries to split. I love that that’s not really attempted to get fixed, that’s just how Giyuu is and that’s okay. He still has moments of joy and sass and all the other feelings but there’s no “we need to heal Giyuu” thread in the story besides the side story of everyone trying to get him smile/laugh.  I will always be saddened by the fact that he for the longest time didn’t feel like he was a Hashira and just wrote himself off but I also kind of like how the Hashira weren’t suddenly like, “That’s crazy, we love and accept you Giyuu!” But by the end I feel like he was mostly accepted, particularly by Sanemi which was nice since those two were almost like unspoken rivals it felt like. His scenes with Tanjiro and Shinobu are the best to me, because he obviously cares about Tanjiro a lot while he simultaneously just has no idea what to do with this kid unless he’s fighting alongside him. I  love his dynamic with Shinobu, its not one I usually love a lot but theirs is so much fun and Shinobu really brings out Giyuu’s sass and sarcasm which is fun to see especially with him doing it deadpan. I appreciate Giyuu’s struggle as a character because I feel like its one that a lot of us can relate to and its nice to see him accept and grow comfortable with himself as the story progresses. 

9. Himejima Gyomei

I will probably get a lot of hate for this one, but oh well. Unlike the other Hashira where I do like them on some level, I don’t like Gyomei at all. If you pushed me I guess I would say his extremely impractical weapon? But like, that’s really reaching. I feel like the only reason I don’t immediately forget about him is because he’s massive and is always crying with his hands in prayer stance. He’s a monk but like in name only. Maybe its just because there wasn’t enough time but I can’t think of a single time where Gyomei showed monk behavior besides saying “Namu Amida Butsu” and Genya mentions that the mantra he used fighting the Emotion Demons was something he learned from Gyomei but nothing past that. Even his crying seems to be more of an at-random thing and not a “he’s feeling deep or spiritual emotions”. We never get an explanaton for why he cries all the time and then suddenly doesn’t cry during his fighting and gets all….macho? I guess I would call it. But yeah look at that conversation between him and Tanjiro at the boulder, if those are spiritual teachings they are not good ones…so to me he doesn’t practice what he preaches, but we also aren’t really shown what he believes spiritually. 

My biggest issue with him is his attitude towards children. He was bitter and mistrustful towards children after the demon attack because the TRAUMATIZED FOUR YEAR OLD didn’t express gratitude for him saving her life. Children struggle with expressing gratitude period, especially that young, they definitely aren’t going to be thinking about expressing gratitude after going through watching you bash another adult’s skull in. 

And because of this he believes that children “Are pure and innocent. Weak. They lie easily…are casually cruel…and selfish.” Children are this way unless they are taught correctly, adults are this way even if they ARE taught correctly. Children’s brains aren’t fully developed at four years old, and yeah, Gyomei doesn’t know that science but seeing as he was raising other kids there, he should understand kids better than he does. Children lie easily because at that young of an age the worst thing that can happen to you is getting in trouble, so you lie to avoid it. You have to be taught how to deal with that properly. Children are not “casually cruel”, they don’t understand that their words and actions impact other people’s emotions and feelings the way that adults do they have to be shown and taught it, just like everyone else. That’s not something that just comes from predisposition. Children are selfish? So are adults, and children don’t become selfless unless they are shown and taught it. Gyomei went through this trauma too, so I don’t blame him for his knee jerk reaction being upset at the child, but the fact that afterwards he stayed upset and decided that children are all these things, and staying upset that she didn’t show gratitude? That’s ridiculous.

[overdicebro]

continuing my rant about wanting a mermaid princess

Okay I've thought about making it it's own chapter but then that would mean there will be another Voice so instead I made it another subroute of “The Prisoner”

The thought process and perception of the Princess should be somewhat alluring, seductive, mysterious yada yada yada

That the Protagonist just find her nonchalance and ambiguous answers somewhat attractive. It'll end up with the princess beheading herself and the hero just traumatized to the point where the "can we put it back?" was actually considered. The Skeptic could've also just questioned the entire being of the Princess and perceived that putting it right back didn't seem impossible. So walking right up to the head and trying to salvage(?)😭 it back. She'll be stunned and she'll beat the shit out of you still without her head andddd you die and transition to next chapter.

I don't even know where you'll get siren from that scenario but STILL hear me out. *Perceived her as mysteriously seductive and soothing from the start and downright horrifying the moment after (?)??()?((

Chapter III : The Siren

Voices: Hero, Skeptic, Smitten, maybe even Paranoid

The cabin's interior has changed into a more intimidating, submerged in water similar to the Grey. The blade the mirror everything is still there blablabla. Going down the stairs nearly opaque and almost filed with water it's difficult to even step in it. The Princess has a siren-y voice. Thats it.

She's resting on a stone and the basement is kinda filled with water just enough to hide her tail. She'll have more flowy hair, tattered dress, fins and stuff, and some chains shit. The Princess will have disdain towards you for trying to put her head back instead of helping her get out of the cabin but she's still chill. Basically Specter underwater edition, she's still has her chains but its useless now since the metals been in contact with water it might be easier to break it idk. The scene might play as to how can she even end the world when she literally can't walk rn. Shes more helpless since there isn't enough water to swim her way out of there; crawling her way out won't work in her favor because the tails heavy as fuck. So it's up to you if you're willing to carry her up outside the cabin or just slay her. Idk what happens if you slay her. But choosing to carry her all the way up will just let her be eaten by the hands and turn into a vessel. She'll be an “Enchanting heart” I think

“She who has never found support even in her darkest time still finds herself in a better judgement than those who put her in this the first place”/ Do not mourn her for she now has all the help she needed/ kinda shit

You can choose to leave her behind I think and I think that's where she'll begin to plead and be more desperate. Andd maybe her theme can have her singing?

This shits rough man but it's all I can think off, been here some days on my drafts but welp

[heartbeatbookclub]

yooo do u have any headcanons for what the girls (maybe even mc idk) would do after highschool?

My most confident answer is that I think Sayori would be a teacher. Maybe a daycare worker? I'd even say a child psychologist/school counselor. I've said this before, but I think Sayori would be amazing with kids, and would probably find working with children very gratifying. She's patient, she's compassionate, and she's very receptive. She'd be spending a lot of her time helping children struggling with similar issues that she did when she was young, and I think she'd really take pride in that.

As for her journey to get there after high school, I feel like she'd probably struggle a lot with college, but would eventually find her footing, especially with her support network around her. I don't think she'd want to spend a terribly long period of time getting multiple degrees and fighting for a super good position, either; I get the sense she'd want to start working as soon as possible, which might come back to bite her depending on which career she chooses...

Monika's a bit tough to say. It feels like a bit of a cop-out to say she'd take a coding job, but I do think that's a possibility. I also don't really think something like being a concert pianist would be something she'd seriously consider; in the first place, doing that as a career is inherently volatile, in the second, I don't think Monika would ever really have the confidence in herself to consider playing professionally. I'd imagine one of her friends would probably encourage her to try it, and although she might make some money off of a few gigs, it's always a side thing, and never something she'd consider diving headfirst into.

I get the sense that Monika's high standards for herself probably aren't entirely self-imposed. Girl's got gifted kid syndrome out the nose; I think if any of the girls were seriously considering college, Monika would be the one who felt the most pressure to get in and succeed. Conversely, I think of any of them that would go to college, she would have the absolute worst experience.

Maybe she goes in for a premed program. Maybe law. Maybe something in STEM that is similarly difficult to get through. Something with a high bar to pass, something with a lot of pressure riding on her success. Something likely to put a lot of debt over her head even with scholarships.

And under all of that pressure, she snaps. Maybe she drops out. Maybe she takes a year off. Maybe she fails an entire semester. Regardless, I think she's wont to put a whole lot of pressure onto herself, and then have a nervous breakdown when she can't keep it together, regardless of her support network. I think she'd probably end up in a period where she'd have to reevaluate what her actual goal in life is.

And I think she'd ultimately find it, and be significantly more satisfied with the result than if she just stuck it out wherever she was.

I don't really think Yuri would have very high aspirations. I think she'd hate working in something like fast food or retail, but then again she probably wouldn't enjoy working in general, especially in customer facing environments. Maybe something like a bookstore or coffee shop would be more tolerable. It's kinda funny because I have an old concept of a mild self-insert crackfic which involves Yuri coming to work at my Subway (which is a further offshoot of an old concept of Basil from Omori working at my Subway), so maybe she'd work there.

I think her dream job would be as a novelist, and while I don't really think she'd probably end up being some super famous writer, I do think she'd probably put enough effort into an original work that it would be passable. Now, convincing her to send it to a publisher? Hahaha good luck. In fact, I doubt she'd show anyone for a long, long time. But, with some encouragement, she might self-publish on, like, Amazon. Maybe start a patreon or something related to it, idk. Either way, she'd probably see it as a side-gig similarly to Monika.

I think Natsuki would be in a similar position to Yuri, though she'd have much more dislike of working retail or food-service just because she hates customer service explicitly and lacks a lot of the patience for it. I think there's a number of reasons why Natsuki wouldn't have particularly high aspirations for herself, but that's another story. She'd probably be quick about trying to get into her own place, though.

I think Natsuki would be a Twitch streamer. Completely deadass, I think of anyone in the group she's the most likely, and I think she'd go for it. I think she'd be a Vtuber, and she'd go all in on making her own model. I think that again, this would all be more of a side-gig, but she'd probably enjoy herself doing it, even if she had trouble finding her footing at first.

MC would probably work the most dead-end jobs between high school and a more stable career. I think he'd probably go to college for compsci just because he's a generic man (although they don't call them programmer socks for nothing ;)) and then get a shitty IT helpdesk job which is mostly fixing printers and installing drivers.

[animentality]

Hiya. Little chance you'll see/respond to this, but I thought I'd throw it out there anyway. I'm kind of stuck, gender-wise. As a gender-fluid afab person, I kind of know where I want my transition to go, with both T and surgery. The problem is, my very lesbian partner has some squicks about the way I want my transition to go, (namely the clitoromegaly and metoidioplasty.) I haven't talked to her about this yet, because of the squicks. (I know I need to, it's just something I haven't built up to yet.) There's a lot of love in the community for the effects of going on T that I want, which makes me feel good, but knowing my partner would no longer find me attractive because of it is. distressing. This is complicated by the fact that I do sex work, so I'm putting off transition anyway to retain my audience. I know I need to stop letting other people's approval and attraction dictate what I'm doing with my body, but it's money to live off of and I desperately love my partner, (and I'm used to sublimating what I want for others.) I don't know if you have or care to give any advice or response, but even just typing this out and sending it is making me feel better, so thank you <3

I get it, friend.

I really do. You know it's what you want, but you're also afraid of how much it'll change things.

And I don't blame you. There's always comfort in stability and the status quo. holding on to things you've grown so used to having, that you worry you might not be able to survive without them.

But if you know it's what you want- and I think it must be, otherwise would it really be a difficult decision? - then you'll find some peace in knowing that things are never as stable as they seem anyway.

you have to pursue the things that will make you happy in this life. it's the most important thing. sometimes that means choosing something that's harder to do, in the short term, but will bring you peace in the long term.

and yeah, it will be uncomfortable and painful if, or when, your partner no longer finds you attractive because of the transition, but if she really loves you, and cares for you as a person, then she'll support you, even if it's only as a friend. she won't cut you out of her life, if she loves you as much as you love her.

And I know that sounds bad, but the truth is, people are attracted to what they're attracted to. Now that doesn't mean she definitely will lose interest in you, though. Because honestly, I think you definitely need to talk about it, and maybe you'll be surprised.

I have known lesbians who have a few exceptions, just as there are straight people with their own "gay exceptions."

And transition isn't exactly a new practice or anything, but transition surgeries sort of are, in the grand scheme of things. they can be kind of disturbing to people, even supportive people, at first, because surgeries in general are always disturbing.

something primal in us just doesn't like the idea of letting someone else cut into our flesh and rearrange all the parts inside. it's instinctive, i think. but just as you can grow and change, so can other people.

even if they never ever thought about it before.

life is kinda funny like that. you can think you'll never ever do something, but then someone else might come along, someone you desperately want to be with, and then you'll become more than you ever expected you would be. and you'd do it together.

but you definitely need to talk to her. she might surprise you. or she might surprise herself, actually, if you give her the time to consider how it'll change your relationship.

But if she's no longer attracted to you, and if you break up, well, relationships always fall apart when one person wants to stay the same, but the other desires growth, and change. It might seem terrifying, not to have her as a romantic partner, and maybe you're afraid you'll never find someone else, but these things are normal, these things are not as scary as they seem.

All human beings, trans, cis, het, gay, bi, have to deal with the fact that people change and some relationships end. Some people can adapt, and stay together. Some can't.

Some people lose interest in their partners over many, many years, and some people can't stay in relationships with people who become sick, or disfigured, who have horrible injuries that change who they are. Life doesn't go the way you plan, ever.

So you aren't alone in that feeling. And I hope that your community is there to support you too, so that you don't feel alone in this either.

You might consider joining groups, or finding people, who know what it's like to lose partners because of transition, by the way.

It's always good to have a network of support.

Now as for the sex work... listen, I don't know your financial situation. if it makes sense to not transition right now, to put it off so you can pay the bills, have a roof over your head, then you can always wait as long as you need to.

But I wouldn't let that hold you back either.

Financial stability is very important, and being able to pay for food is your first need and all that, but emotional and psychological fulfillment are important too.

so in the future, if you have the money, or maybe find other jobs, or other means of income, then don't let it stop you.

and also, if you enjoy sex work, and you don't want to stop doing it, or having it as an option...you can find another audience.

it might be smaller, and different, and you might have to start from the ground up, but if you already have an audience that makes you good money, then you're resourceful. you're creative.

you can do this. all of this.

but anyway.

my advice to you is...do what you need to do, to make money, but remember that life is primarily about being happy. it can't always be happy, but...the end goal is happiness.

you have to go looking for it, though.

even if it doesn't look the way it used to, that's the grand adventure called living.

thanks for the ask.

always feel free to vent to me, by the way, especially about this, because as a transmac, I get it.

I personally only would want top surgery, but I understand completely the afabs who want to fully transition.

I remember the first time I used my name, and not my deadname...I remember the joy I felt, when my friends started calling me by masculine pronouns...

I couldn't discourage you from seeking the self you were born to be. It's a wonderful feeling, being the person you dreamt of, on those lonely nights where you laid in bed and wondered why you feel so different and alone.

But you aren't alone now.

Good luck, anon.

Hope everything turns out ok, and then I hope the rest of your life is wonderful.

[sinisxtea]

associate your fav moots with songs youve liked, now!!

OH MY GOD I GOT THIS 🫡🫡

@aquaphoenixz : the long night - seori ft giriboy

okay starting off with aqua. obviously you know which one i’m going to put 💀 but the vibes with this one are so you core, and you honestly changed my view of this song fr. i used to listen to it when i was sad or felt like crying, but now since i associate it with you, it just feels so much happier now?? anyways i love u enjoy ur day mwah mwah

@lyvhie : dream - baekhyun, suzy

IDK HOW TO DESCRIBE the vibes in the song are lowkey so you coded. like everytime we talk, it’s always so chill 😌 and it always makes me so happy, so pretend like this is us lowkey just vibing with each other <33 ur so amazing i love you mwah mwah keep it up

@syatchy : h! teen - the wind

tbh i could put any cute song for you but i chose h! teen bc it’s more about youth and silliness and that’s literally you <3 (and aliens apparently) everytime we talk and u put up with my yapping bullshit it makes me appreciate you ever more. love ya 🫶

@yeonzzens : the cut that always bleeds - conan gray

i love how much you love conan that’s so silly, tbh i don’t think there’s anyone else i know both online and irl that loves conan this much, so obviously i had to choose a conan song for you <33 the cut that always bleeds has to be one of my favorite conan songs, the lyrics are both so real and the vibes from the song are immaculate. anyways i love ur mood boards so much keep it up 💕💕

@riri4andy : HUSH - ari abdul

we’re gonna ignore the lyrics on this okay. 😭😭 but the INSTRUMENTAL OF THIS SONG TAKES ME AWAY??? It’s such an ethereal vibe, but more futuristic in a sense? idk you give me like this futuristic techo kinda feeling, and lowkey we need to talk more but feel free to take this as a song rec too <33 also the way the song kinda gives like a rushing/chasing feeling, like i feel like we’re stuck between this limbo of wanting to interact with each other but also too nervous to do so. SO TALK TO ME SMH

@polarisjisung : NOBODY - blue.d, MINO

not just bc ur name means flower but you have this soft vibe that i kinda get for you. i mean at first i thought you were lowkey a little intimidating 💀 but the more i realized that you’re just so sweet and anyone who doesn’t think so i will literally fight them 🙄🙄 WE SHOULD TALK MORE though 🫡🫡

@galacticskz : good night - 小鬼/little ghost

this song has such like… caring feelings associated with it, i mean obviously it’s kinda like a f*ckboy “haha baby” song, but when you ignore the lyrics and the instrumental and music is just so peaceful, and you definitely seem like someone who’s perfectly content and at peace with where they are, you know your limits, and you know when it’s time to rest and honestly i love that for you. (pssst we should talk more too)

@odxrilove : head over heels - tears for feels

okay this is going to sound oddly specific BUT you give such like disney princess vibes idk… like you’re kinda princess coded. and this song is so soft. it gives me like cinderella ish vibes? like head over heels? cinderella. AND YOU ARE SO PRINCESS CODED IDK WHY IT FITS IT JUST FITS <33

@ghostofhyuck - carrousel - amir ft indila

the feel i get from you is more of a chill and soft and you clearly know yourself very well, and that’s actually very good for you. you don’t hesitate to stop riding the “carrousel” if needed be, you can clearly tell people your own opinions and thoughts. (and this one’s very important) you tell people “no” when it comes to it. AS A BIG PEOPLE PLEASER MYSELF this is incredibly difficult for me 😭😭 and i admire that about you. anyways we need to talk more ofc ofc but hope u have a nice day <33

it’s honestly so hard to describe people in just one single song 😭