#it was a level of executive disfunction so hard to deal with

[boyapologist]

on that stage of grieving a friendship breakup where I can't stop thinking "you know what? she was kind of an asshole all along!"

[basilthesnakingthing]

I’ve been thinking of Monstrous Children AU Jekyll and Victor and their dynamic. (I think I’ve decided on the name “Van Helsing Boarding School For Monstrous Children” for the setting.)

First and most importantly, Jekyll is social, polite, cares about his reputation, and does a pretty good job establishing it from the get go. Quickly becomes well liked by the other children (besides Dracula and his friends), and gets all the teachers to be fond of him. He doesn’t go out of his way to seek attention, but it matters to him that people find him easy to get along with. Cause of how the original Dr. Jekyll was so concerned with making sure people thought of him as saintly, generous, and pleasant to be around. It’s not going to be problematic from the first episode though, he’s just likable. While Victor is none of that. He doesn’t enjoy company. (He described himself as being naturally unsuited to it in the original book.) He couldn’t care less what people think about him, they already tell him he’s way too intense when he’s focused, so he knows he can’t trust their judgment. (He was described as being vehemently interested in all the things he liked as a child in the book.) He likes Jekyll’s company because he wants to talk about the same stuff as him. But he will just leave if Jekyll ends himself up in a conversation with some other person. He also has a chronic illness that leaves him bedridden a lot, (it’s Victor Frankenstein, you know he does) so that adds another layer of “socializing is hard” on top of how unappealing it is. It’s also part of why his parents didn’t know how to take care of him.

So it’s like, the “manageable” child and his best friend, the autistic one.

Meanwhile, I’m characterizing Hyde as the personification of ADHD symptoms. The supernatural resilience and level of energy. The euphoric zest for life that you feel out of nowhere, but still have anxiety through. The way you can understand the consequences of your actions, but can’t really bring yourself to care because of this thing that gives you dopamine. The way we live off of intense competitiveness and spite. I promise it fits.

Now Jekyll doesn’t want anyone to know why he was admitted to the boarding school. He tries to keep people from finding out about Hyde and to their credit, the teachers who know respect his privacy. I’m wondering when Hyde should come out on screen for the first time. Since I’m writing this as a naturally occurring case of DID, that implies there was some sort of situation (before he came to the school) where the only way to survive was to do something that Jekyll couldn’t, but Hyde could. Some sort of thing he was forced into that his conscience couldn’t tolerate. So Hyde emerged in order to be a version of him that didn’t need to operate with a conscience. I’m thinking we meet him when somebody dares Jekyll to do something against the rules, which could be a negative trigger for him and/or a positive trigger for Hyde.

I don’t know where I’m going with this after that, Hyde ends up meeting Victor and being exposed to all the other kids. Something happens. I don’t think anybody is actually shocked by or scared of Hyde like Jekyll expects, it’s literally a school for kids that are deemed “wrong” or defective or dangerous. But he can’t help feeling deeply ashamed about it (again, this is me projecting. I am crushed by shame and self hatred about the consequences of my executive disfunction and other ADHD symptoms whenever I have a moment of lucidity.) And after that, he sees Hyde as a fact he has to deal with. (He can’t)

(And another thing!)

[mbti-notes]

Anon wrote: Hello mbti-notes, 28F ENFP here. I have written to you a few times, one of them about my relationship with my 27M INTJ boyfriend and the other about my childhood trauma regarding my ENTJ mother and how it was keeping me from pursuing my art career.

I have been on the road of Fi development and lately I have started to develop Te. Some major life events happened since the last time I wrote to you; I had gotten diagnosed with ADHD after suspecting having it for years; then, my younger cousins got diagnosed with level one autism (Formerly known as Aspergers), and after my mother conversed with their mothers, we reached the conclusion I and other members of the family are also autistic and ADHD, since I displayed symptoms of both as a child.

With this new knowledge, I have been making all the changes necessary to accommodate myself and do the best I can and pull my own weight. I am almost finishing University, and my boyfriend (he’s pretty much my husband at this point) started his doctorate and is now an art teacher at our local arts University. (those issues I had written to you prior were resolved and we have been very happy together and supportive of each other since).

I have been slowly tearing down my perfectionistic tendencies; I am no longer unhappy about my work or extremely self-critic to the point I put myself down. I have gained confidence and trust in myself and handling problems, crafting solutions, planning (even if short-term) and improvising. I have been re-enganging my Ne in a healthy manner, focusing on my projects and progress instead of being scattered and wanting to do everything and anything.

Despite that, and all the growth I have done already, I feel that I have an unsurnamable mountain of obstacles to pass through. Over the last year, I have realized just how little my ISTP, probably autistic and bipolar father and ENTJ, probably ADHD mother completely failed to prepare me for life. I was emotionally neglected, made a scapegoat for their problems, made to pick up after myself because of my autism and ADHD being seen as failures of character instead of disabilities.

They saw I was intelligent, and rationalized it as “not needing help”; then, when my problems with executive disfunction and organization started flaring up due to their neglect, they yelled and blamed it on me, worsening the situation. I grew up with no understanding of boundaries; I wasn’t allowed to advocate for myself and everytime I tried I was yelled at; I wasn’t allowed to discover myself and my identity properly so I clinged to my special interests like a moth to a flame; I was shamed for my way of functioning and that impeded me of developing proper knowledge of myself and what I needed.

I now notice my social differences, my trouble dealing with and regulating emotions (and why I put off dealing with them), and my lack of social skills and differentiating levels of relationships. I feel angry that the time I needed to be using to deal with these issues, during adolescence and early adulthood, was taken away by autistic burnout, depression, and dealing with a disfunctional family who had no idea how to care for me and never tried to, and spent pursuing bad relationships, hyperfixations and changing interests, all the while not being able to put effort into what I really wanted because of the shame and judgement they placed on me.

I have been trying my best to pick up the slack, but it’s hard. I can see now how I was unjustly punished for my differences my whole life. I finally understand now why people get upset with me with things like being unable to regulate tone or asking clarifying questions (when I’m just trying to understand them).

I have accepted myself; I know my difficultities now and I know what I have to do to regulate myself, but I still can’t stop feeling angry at this injustice. I do my best to be proactive and helpful in the communities I join and make friends, but people will turn on me the moment I do something impulsive like vent to chat about my parents doing something rude to me that day (which happens regularly). The bridges I put effort into building get destroyed in minutes, and I feel like all my progress is undone.

Family is a tricky issue for people, I get it. There are different times and places to say things, I get it. But It still happens. I know the way to fix it would be to leave, but due to the housing crisis, inflation and my expenses of trying to finish my degree, I can’t move out of this place and still currently live with them. Rent is unnafordable, my boyfriend is going through his degree and busy, and I’m already at capacity fully comitting myself to art and doing the best job I can with chores and house stuff.

I know my parents have issues and I try my best do understand and be empathethic, but they aren't doing anything to get better or to resolve them. My dad is on disability and unemployment aid right now, he does minimal chores and watches TV and sleeps all day. My mother is a pre-school teacher and constantly overworks herself because that's how she learned to get through life.

A few months ago, my mom almost ended her marriage because in her words, she developed a "platonic crush" for another man. It was a huge fight, and one they tried to drag me into. When they're not having outright fights, they act lovey-dovey; but they soon have another nasty fight, and the cycle goes on.

My dad is extremely misoginistic, judgemental, and cynical. Everytime he tries to engage me in conversation, I act uniteresting so he leaves me alone. I am uncapable of building a relationship with them after all they did to me.

I just can’t stop feeling I got dealt a sh*tty hand in life and there is nothing I can do about it. I realize this is Si grip talking, but this enviroment completely kills all my optimist, motivation and will to move foward in life, and I’ve been doing this dance for way too long and just want it to end once and for all so I can keep progressing. I know I’ve already come a long way, but I can’t stop feeling it still isn’t enough, and I’m afraid that feeling won’t ever go away. So I turn to you for guidance on what to do.

Currently I am sitting on a few unfinished projects (a comic and animation) that will be my portfolio só I can start working while I finish my degree. My parents are paying for the remainder of it (honestly, the least they could do after the horrible lifetime they gave me) but I plan to start paying for it myself as soon as I get some work. I guess what I'm trying to get at is that I'm doing everything to try and make things better, but I feel like they never will, and I don't know how to deal with that.

----------------------

Whenever people tell me about how they're making progress, even trying to develop lower functions, but also suffering from inferior grip, the alarm bells go off in my head, because it usually indicates some form of troublesome denial. In terms of type development, inferior grip is one of the most serious signs that something is not right psychologically.

I never want to poopoo on people's efforts to improve. I definitely believe that you've been putting forth your best efforts. However, if the outcome is inferior grip, it means there's a problem with your approach or method.

The way that you're stuck in blaming your parents for your misfortunes is not just a sign of Si grip, but also Te loop. If you're suffering from Te loop, it means Fi development hasn't progressed to the point where you are ready for Te development. Being a lower function, trying to develop Te when you're not ready is only going to exacerbate Te loop and eventually lead you into Si grip.

I won't deny that the people around you every day have a big influence over you. As a Feeler, their moods can easily affect yours. When that happens, the best thing to do is to draw up boundaries, to try to shield yourself from those negative influences as much as possible. However, what you've done is the opposite.

You've been drawn into the negative influence through blaming them, fighting back (mentally), judging them for their flaws, indulging pointless "what if" scenarios about your past, etc. In short, you have been swallowed up by the negativity partly because you didn't do enough to protect yourself from it. This is related to Fi development because Fi should inform you about what is needed for self-protection.

Now, since you find yourself in a hopeless place and can't accept the feelings of helplessness, the recourse is Te loop. You wish to actively "correct" everything that you perceive is "wrong". However, this is a futile endeavor. Why? Because those things are not for you to correct. You have overstepped/violated boundaries by wanting to solve problems that aren't your responsibility. This only serves to entangle you in them.

Your mom and dad's flaws, your mom and dad's relationship, are none of your business, but you are all up in there. Even if they try to involve you, as an adult, you have the power to refuse. Because you care about them, it's hard for you to refuse, but refuse you must. That's what it means to draw healthy boundaries.

Yes, it's tragic to have been deprived as a child. One thing you realize more and more deeply as you get older (especially if you have children of your own) is that parents are human, their knowledge is limited, and people can only do the best they can based on what they know. Many, many people are ignorant about psychological issues because they have had no opportunity to learn about them. What's worse, sometimes what they have learned is misinformation or outdated information based on what was being taught when they were growing up.

I say this not to excuse the bad things that parents do, but to foster empathy for the fact that people can't do better when they don't know better. You are the same. You didn't think to change your behavior or didn't know how to do it in the right way until you learned about ADHD. You live, you learn.

Empathy for others starts with empathy for oneself. Instead of pitying yourself or being angry about your past, healthy Fi should prompt you to express empathy for your struggles today. There aren't enough signs that you possess this depth of empathy, which indicates Fi development has a long way to go yet. It's hard to feel empathy when you're in the thick of negativity, but that's the time when it's most important to practice it.

An important part of having empathy for yourself, aka self-compassion, is allowing yourself to move at a realistic pace in life, a pace that takes your challenges into fair consideration, rather than always trying to live up to unreasonable ideals. Feeling "not good enough" and being afraid of that feeling never going away is directly related to Fi development and lack of self-acceptance. You must accept the truth of yourself and the facts of your situation before you can move forward in a meaningful way.

Also, if you find yourself speaking inappropriately or not giving enough consideration to social context when your feelings get too big, it means you haven't done enough to set up a good social support system and create more appropriate opportunities to explore your personal issues. Expecting parents or colleagues to give you support that they are not capable of giving is basically wasting energy barking up the wrong tree. In other words, don't look for love in all the wrong places. This is related to Fi development in terms of doing what it takes to care well for your well-being.

You are well into adulthood. At some point, it has to be fully your responsibility to craft the life you want. By continuing to blame your parents for not living up to your ideals, you are the one keeping yourself tied to past unhappiness, rather than moving forward. It is a choice you make.

I always say that forgiveness isn't about other people. Forgiveness is something you do for yourself. It's not good for you to live in a state of resentment, anger, or hate. It's not good to keep revisiting and rehashing such emotions on an endless loop. Therefore, you have to learn to forgive the mistakes of the past so that you can have the emotional stability necessary to focus on improving your life today and into the future.

Forgiving your parents for being the imperfect human beings that they are is difficult but necessary, not for their sake, but for yours. You can set yourself free from the past at any time through learning how to be more accepting, empathetic, and forgiving, which is very much tied to Fi development. This would be a healthy way of lifting yourself out of Si grip and mending your mental health.

[kissthehydra]

ADHD talk

Ok. So I got tested for ADHD this summer and the psychologist concluded that I didn’t have ADHD; I scored really well on the tests, and my executive disfunction and inattention were attributed to my anxiety and depression (which were moderate-severe at the time). I didn’t know what to expect for the results, so I didn’t have a strong reaction to hearing my diagnosis, but I also felt unsatisfied that some of my behaviors were still unexplained. I’m very analytical and overthink everything. I can’t just accept that I am experiencing something, I have to know what triggered it and why I responded the way I did. (I took CBT a little too hard.) But I got a job and then the semester started again so I didn’t think too much on it.

Anyway, I have a new therapist (who’s given me some of the most effective advice/hw for dealing with anxiety and depression) and after a few months she mentioned the possibility of me having ADHD. I bring her a condensed copy of my ADHD testing results for her the next week. She goes straight to my scores. She notes that my scores range from high above average to average. She looks at me and says something along the lines of:

“I’m not saying the psychologist that did the testing isn’t qualified or misdiagnosed you, but it’s possible that a different psychologist might have interpreted the variability of your results as indicative of ADHD.”

Well, shit.

Time to do some research.

I do some extensive searches on adult ADHD. I pull up some academic papers, some study abstracts, and some web articles. Some of my findings that freaked me out a bit:

adult-onset ADHD is often under-diagnosed, especially in women, since adults experience ADHD differently than children (child-onset ADHD symptoms are used to diagnose ADHD in adults)

I can relate to many descriptions of what it’s like to have ADHD, such as difficulty paying attention to things that bore me, struggling to “just do it”, can’t be inactive (I can sit still in a chair as long as I can do something with my hands. I’ve been pulling out my hair since I was like 8 years old and have been picking my skin for about three years. Fidget toys are helpful to me. If I’m just standing I need to be moving. I’m always kind of dancing)

in people with ADHD, achievement does not necessarily correspond with intelligence or skill (always 100% in-class participation, did well on most tests with little effort in middle and high school, usually learn new material/skills quickly, but I don’t get the best grades. I’ll ignore homework or forget about deadlines. I often feel that others get more recognition for things I can do. I can write a really good essay...if I ever get around to it.)

if a child has a good support system and is well-engaged as a child, ADHD symptoms may not be evident or debilitating until adolescence or adulthood, when the kid’s lifestyle and social interactions are forced to change (like in high school and college). Life changes can have huge impacts on people with ADHD. (The majority of my freshman year of college was me wondering why I couldn’t function like my peers. My anxiety and depression came back strong. mental health deteriorated, ended taking a medical leave.)

Adults with ADHD are often diagnosed with another psychiatric disorder before they are diagnosed with ADHD. 

There’s quite a bit more. But I’ll leave it at that.

Prior to my ADHD testing, I never really thought I had ADHD. Looking back on my childhood, I didn’t think there was much to point in that direction: I did well in elementary and middle school, if the subject wasn’t boring or required a lot of work I could focus no problem, never had behavioral issues, I got along with everyone and could talk to adults no problem, good at math and reasoning, I could “sit still”.

However, there are some things that I experienced as a child and still experience now: I am a deity-level procrastinator (took me a full year to finish an incomplete college class, I barely passed with a D), I get bored easily (I have so many hobbies and can’t stick with one for too long), organization and task execution is not a strong suit, even if I clean up, my spaces never stay neat and tidy for long, when I was a kid, I’d take my time to do things, and, often, a very long time, I start a lot of things or become interested in new things, but quickly leave them for other things, I’m super distractible, if I’m standing unengaged, such as in a line, I can’t stand still, if I don’t have reminders and a calendar, there’s a high chance I’ll forget about it, I zone out a lot—daydreaming or overthinking, being idle makes me anxious, I somehow have a lot of energy (according to people around me) even when I don’t feel that I do (this manifests as physical movement or being very vocal), I try to tell people things when they are in the middle of an activity that requires their attention (such as parking, speaking on the phone, texting, working, etc.) I’m better about it now, but sometimes still struggle a bit or get irritated when people don’t give me attention, I get really restless sometimes, time management? who is she?....

Just wanted to share this in the hopes that someone might read and have some insight. Or just moral support. I don’t really know what to think, and I don’t know how a different diagnosis might affect my life. I guess I’m just trying to figure myself out. What are your thoughts? Experiences?

Thanks for reading.