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dzpenumbra · 2 years ago

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7/5/23

My sleep is gonna be completely fucked. It's 6:20 AM and I'm just starting this. -_- So, needless to say, I'm going to keep it short.

I streamed for 5.5 hours today. I actually really wanted to play some Hades before bed tonight, and still haven't had the time. My entire day was... polish and add another coat of oil to the beads and pot - yoga, which was great - straight into working out which was intense, but I break up the sets by playing Hades while I'm cooling down, that system has been working well for me - then shower - then stream for 5.5 hours - then second coat on the beads and pot (which, if I took a break during stream, I'm now realizing I could've snuck in a third coat today) - now I'm here.

It's just been non-stop. Very full day. I guess it's the sanding that's consuming so much time. I have 28 beads I'm doing, and I have to sand/polish them individually. I think in the future I should try to sand them before putting the first coat of oil on, maybe even before dyeing them, then rely on polishing after that. I'll figure it out. The beads look amazing. They look like little Honeycrisp and Fuji apples, really nice rich color. They're the red ones that I added a thin coat of bluish purple to, to make them look organic... and I didn't like how they came out... so I decided to use them as a "test batch" for the tung oil, and they look fucking beautiful. I really want to prep another batch of beads, but... I really have to figure out a system with this sanding, it's super time-consuming and does a number on your hand after a while. I can't imagine how long a batch of over 100 beads sanded by hand would take. The tung oil finish is looking great though, very pleased with it.

I was swamped with inspiration today. I got ideas for animation, for grip tape design, for the visualizer program... I've actually also really been craving playing around with game design again. Maybe a card game of some sort? Or making a basic mod for a game that's already built? Hades is really inspiring me. It's a phenomenal game, amazing art style, amazing animation, very smooth and comfy playstyles, and the game concepts are really intriguing to me. Oh damn... maybe... --- oh god, I have to stop myself. I was gonna say "I should design a custom d20 campaign..." I've already done that! I don't have anyone to play with! I can't put my time into that again. But I've been tempted to look into maybe making a card game or board game, something like that. Hades is really inspiring me with that. The idea of randomization being a central pillar and building the game off of that.

I've just kinda been getting the urge to open up a program and use it like a sandbox and just go nuts. And tonight, I put that impulse into my visualizer program... and I came out with some cool shit. I made a visualizer that accurately simulated the solar system planetary orbits. I kept the planet spacing proportional, the orbit speeds proportional but had to tweak the planet sizes around to make them legible but not... bumping into each other. I then gave them sorta ghosted trails that formed when specific frequencies peaked, different frequencies for different planets. And started working on adding in stars in the background that flickered and grew in size in response to different frequencies. It came out pretty cool.

The end result wasn't a masterpiece by any means, but it was a good experiment to play around with learning new things in the program. I learned more about "Scenes", which you can kinda use as macros, which is an absolute godsend because my projects turn into spaghetti so fucking quick, it's ridiculous. And I'm really getting a feel for using multipliers vs using exponents for float values. And I'm keeping my workspace more organized too, which makes troubleshooting more streamlined. It's good, I'm enjoying it.

I want to make a visualizer that's like... a landscape silhouetted in front, so the focus is the sky... then as the music plays... the volume level is added to a float value cumulatively, so the music is fueling it... and that float value powers a day/night cycle. During the day, light rays and maybe clouds react to different frequencies in the music... during the night, stars flicker and the moon does its thing. I think that's a nice simple idea with some more complex components to it. I was saying at the beginning of my stream, I want to play around with the idea of very slow big-scale changes. I think it could be really cool. Again, I just kinda need to become more familiar with the program to feel more comfortable with it, and that's what I did today.

Alright, it's getting super late, if I don't go to bed now I never will.

#diary #journal #online journal #stream of thoughts #stream of consciousness

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simpingraccoon · 2 years ago

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Free Kittens

You yawned for the nth time, body on the verge of collapsing due to exhaustion. A tired grin made it's way to your face as you see your favorite coffee shop.

After 12 consecutive hours of hospital duty, you finally got a break. Now, all you want to do is drown yourself in coffee.

You made your way towards the cafe, but before you managed to enter the establishment, you heared mewing nearby. You look at the direction of the sound and saw a box with "free kittens" written on it. Inside of the said box was a small kitten the color of snow.

You heart was immediately struck by the sight of this adorable kitten standing alone. It looked like she was with her brothers and sisters before, but was left in solitude as passerbys took their pick.

Your animal-loving heart knows that you're not leaving this kitten alone in this box.

There are times that you just hate your job. Right now is one of them. You wanted to take the kitten to your place but then you remembered that you are rarely home, you slept at the hospital more than at your own apartment. And it's not like you can bring the small cat to the wards.

Silently cursing, you stood beside the box, the need for caffeine forgotten, as you troubleshoot on how to find a home for the kitten.

You almost gave up when you heard a voice behind you.

"Are you gonna take the kitten?"

You turned around and met the pair of golden cat-like eyes of Kenma Kozume.

You've known the guy for quite a while now, ever since when your two sleep-deprived selves ran into each other, spilling your coffee in the process.

Let it be known that the gamer also bought you an apple tart along with the replacement coffee.

You also developed a small crush on the man. You've tried to get his number but your awkward self just can't. And it's not like the two of you are close. The only interaction you have with each other are the small conversations during the occasional run-ins at the coffee shop.

You explained the situation to Kenma.

"Unfortunately, I can't keep her cause I won't be able to properly take care of her. It really sucks" you pouted.

Kenma inwardly chuckled your expression. "I can take her at my place if you want" he offered.

"Really? Are you sure won't be bothered by it?"

He shrugged, "I already have a few cats at home. Another one won't bother me"

You're pleasantly surprised by this new information. (Your heart went doki doki for a bit too.)

"That's nice. If you really want to, you can keep her" you said smiling.

Kenma hummed in response. He noticed you looking at the kitten longingly.

"Do you mind if you give me your number? I'll update you about the kitten" You we're snapped out of your reverie by his question.

You can definitely feel the blood rushing to your face. Your number? He is asking for your number? Kenma freaking Kozume is asking for your number? ARE YOU DREAMING???

Kenma took your stunned and silent expression for negative. "I-if you don't want to it's really fi-"

"YES!"

You want the earth to swallow you whole right now. You sounded so eager and excited it's embarrassing.

The long-haired man let out a relieved smile. His cheeks are also noticably rosy.

Your phone rang and you saw that your senior at work is calling you. Finally remembering that you only have a limited amount of time for your break, you hurriedly gave your number to Kenma and left to quickky buy coffee.

Later, you are back at the hospital. You can't help but look at your phone every few minutes, obviously waiting for a text, or a call.

When 6 am struck, you gave up. Who even are you to warrant a message from a guy you only see at a cafe? A guy who also happens to be a famous pro-gamer and CEO of a company. That's just crazy.

Your phone buzzed and when you picked it up, you saw a message from an unknown number.

"Hey it's Kenma", it says, "Yuki is doing okay at home. She's still a bit shy, but the others doesn't seem to mind her"

A smile was on your face all day after seeing the selfie Kenma sent you.

#haikyuu fluff #haikyuu imagine #haikyu x reader #kenma x reader #kenma fanfic #haikyuu fic #haikyuu fanfiction #haikyuu x reader #haikyuu!!#kenma kuzome #kodzuken #fanfic #haikyuu drabbles #hq kenma #kenma drabble

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slickshoesareyoucrazy · 2 years ago

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Adjusting To Broken

I wrote this in June of 2020, originally, for a ‘30 Sub Stories’ writing project in the Tumblr D/s community I used to I guess sort of feel like a part of (I have realized in the past year or two, particularly the past month, that it wasn’t actually much of a community; it was a lot of parasocial attachment and some people there made and continue to make claims on me that they never earned...some of them hurt me within a connection that feels performed now; some of them invented or exaggerated a connection based on reading and reblogs of some of my writing pieces, or even imagined and/or still imagine a connection that never existed.) I usually wrote things that weren’t really overtly D/s-y for this community, and this was one of those pieces. J and I live a D/s life together, and while we live intentionally, we just aren’t formalizing a lot of rules and punishments and shit, and I’ve never been super comfortable talking about kink or sex or anything truly private about our relationship. When I do write about us, I’ve always written more about LIFE than D/s, when talking about our D/s life. And this is one of those pieces. It’s actually a major way life with J is way better than life before J.

I’ve spent the past two days REALLY cleaning our whole house. Not that I don’t keep our house neat and clean all the time. I do. That’s literally my job. And COVID has dictated I do more disinfecting than I used to (things that used to be done monthly are done weekly; things that used to be done weekly are done daily; things that used to be done daily are done a couple times a day…). But I did EXTRA things like dusting every picture frame on the walls; steam mopping all the hard surface floors; lots of extra laundry… When I’m feeling anxious, doing some tangible work like that helps to calm my nerves, plus our house gets super clean, so it’s all really good all the way around, really. Anyway to finish up today, I ran our vacuum. I got all of it done, but near the end of the vacuum routine, the power button wouldn’t stay engaged unless I pressed it down. When I completed the job, I immediately sent J a text to tell him the problem.

J: I’ll look at it.

And he did. He got home from work, and literally the second he got home, someone from work called him with a problem that he spent about 2 hours, including all of our dinner time as a family, troubleshooting and correcting. And while he was dealing with that problem, his cell phone microphone stopped working unless he spoke directly into it or changed it to the speakerphone setting, so after the work issue, he fixed his phone issue. And then he did a quick workout. And then he fixed the vacuum. With all of these issues, J just knew exactly what the problem was and took steps to correct them. As they cropped up. Now all the broken things work. And that just AWES me. Because my go-to response when EVERYTHING starts breaking one after the other is, “FUCK! Everything is BREAKING! Why is EVERYTHING breaking?’ J doesn’t really think about why things are broken/breaking until after he’s dealt appropriately with the broken thing. I’m trying to get better at that myself. J helps me get better at it.

But I didn’t start writing this post to fawn over J’s calm and stable resourcefulness and clutch performance (although I DO really freakin’ love that stuff). I started writing (sorry…guess this is gonna be another long, rambling one) because his vacuum heroics reminded me of this time about 6 or 7 years ago when my old laptop hinges were loose. Like…damn near falling apart. But the laptop still worked. So I just used it with the bum hinges for a long time, until one weekend day, J picked up my laptop to move it and noticed the wanked up hinges.

J: How long have they been like this? me: I dunno…months? J: MONTHS?! Why didn’t you tell me they were like this? I’d have fixed them. <he said as he was fixing them> me: <shrugs> It still worked. J: Yeah, but you had to pick it up weird and hold it weird and…you don’t have to just adjust to ‘broken.’

Before J was in my life, I dealt with everything myself, and if something was broken I didn’t know how to fix, I just adjusted to broken. Because I’d been very well conditioned to believe that asking for help was futile. I grew up with parents who would call me irresponsible and demanding if I brought up shoddy hinges on an otherwise working laptop. ‘You must have done something to break it, and also, it still functions, doesn’t it? What did you want? Us to get you a new laptop because the hinges are loose? You’re so selfish, Jen. You expect too much from <us, people, things, life…>’ Parents who would swear and yell and maybe bust the vacuum to pieces and throw it in the dumpster and then complain about the expense and inconvenience of buying a new goddam vacuum because the power button wouldn’t stay engaged. So I’d have just held the power button down the entire time I used it to avoid the drama. I’d have just adjusted to broken.

I told J about the vacuum right away, because now I believe that I don’t have to just adjust to broken. J will help me fix it. He’ll stay calm. He’ll help me figure it out. He’ll help me find a solution. I don’t have to tough shit out alone or adjust to broken. The value of having a safe place to express a need…a desire…a problem…and know it will be met with calmness and willingness to help can’t be overstated. J’s ability to almost instantaneously diagnose and fix broken things is impressive. But even if he couldn’t actually fix damn near everything broken I’ve ever told him about, his calmness and willingness to help without being accusatory and shaming would still be there. And that’s one of the most important gifts he continually gives me.

So here’s a part I’m adding on now, in the present. J has helped me over the past few weeks, again, to not just ‘adjust to broken,’ in a more emotional and social way, not a literal, ‘I’m gonna fix this busted vacuum; your shitty laptop hinges; the printer...whatever.’ J is one of the only and definitely the BEST shining example of someone who wants to know me and attempt to correct the problems I’m having, even if they are problems he’s creating. He never wants me to just ‘take’ shit that’s hurting me, or making me consistently unhappy in silence. He doesn’t want me to limp along at ‘less than,’ constantly adjusting to broken to appease him. And life with J has taught me that I never have to do that in a relationship with anyone again. J has taught me that a person who really does love me will not expect me to adjust to broken; they’ll want to work with me to fix it. The more I write about J and read over the things I’ve written about him in the past, I’m earnestly stunned I ever was considered a ‘voice’ in the D/s ‘community’ at all. Our life is D/s (and sometimes it’s even kinky, even with a young teenager in the house all the time during a global pandemic), but our life together is a real lived live, a real collaborative partnership, which is how I think D/s should be...but it doesn’t seem to be much of what’s shown in the ‘community.’ I’m not sure I was ever really a part of it. And I know I no longer want to be considered a part of it. A lot of people there were expecting me to adjust to broken, and I don’t want to, and I don’t HAVE to do that anymore.

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voidsumbrella · 2 years ago

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howdy. here's how my september has gone:

housesat for my parents (painless)

found out cousin i havent seen since i was 6 + his wife and newborn are probably moving from south korea to an <5 hr drive from me

my mother in law, who is a medical fall hazard due to her progressively degrading spine problems, who lives in a 3 story death trap house with the kitchen, bedroom, and bathroom on separate levels, who lives alone with no family or close friends within a 3 hour drive, who lives across the country from my wife and i, has tripped over a clotheshanger in her bedroom and broken her ankle.

this means my wife has to move their visit to see her, a fun social one previously planned for october, to as soon as physically possible so they can set up an emergency bedroom and mini kitchen on the ground floor (which is actually the basement)

i go with because im the only one who can drive, and also am Generally Handy and good at fixing shit, and also for emotional support and because i love my wife and because this is what you do when family members need help.

even if they're making the whole process a fucking nightmare because they're miserable in the hospital with nothing to do and have chosen to take this out on everyone around them.

which is mostly what the trip composed of.

i did find+archive a bunch of family history documents nd went through them w/ my wife's aunt (aunt in law? is that anything?) and that was super cool

wife has to extend the trip for 2 more weeks, i fly back solo and have what is The Worst Airplane Existence I Have Ever Experienced, Ever

find out my adhd meds can't be refilled, go unmedicated+jetlagged+dying of allergy-induced sinus ailments+dying of wifeless-induced ailments for 2 days

i finally get a hold of my psych, pick up my meds, return to the world of the living

discover i have developed an allergic reaction to stale/older food that causes my gums/general inside of mouth to swell and act as though i have badly burned all of it including the multi-day healing period.

opt to troubleshoot that one later because i have:

realized i have ONE (1) DAY before i leave for a multi-day concert trip that i have been anticipating for 2.5 years now, that involves 5 other people and i am largely responsible for coordinating, and while all the most important shit (hotel, ticket distribution) is taken care of, i am not even a little baby bit ready to leave the house

scramble to do that; i leave 25 minutes after the other car, have an extra 45 minutes tacked on to my drive so i can pick up my friend, accidentally drive fast enough that there's only a 10 minute difference in arrival times.

go to the concert

see My Chemical Romance

in their hometown

with a setlist that includes 3 of the 4 songs on my "i would kill to hear this live but probably never will" list

opened by Midtown, which i also assumed i would never see ever in my life

proceed to die in a ditch

drive back the next day, still hollering in unison w/ my friends because none of us are or likely will ever be over it

anyway i got home at 7pm last night, passed out at 830 after taking care of the pets and moving a bunch of plants inside bc it was too cold for them overnight, woke up a couple hours later at 10pm, took 2 benadryl and woke up at 11am.

how is everyone else doing, because i am So Fucking Tired

#real life mango

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flamestoflight · 3 years ago

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~homeowner things~

lol this week has been so nuts in terms of house stuff.

Ever since Ida passed through my sump pump has been alarming like every 15 minutes nonstop and I have spent over 2 hours trying to troubleshoot and no success. Ended up turning it off on the breaker just so it would stop alarming and thankfully have a plumber coming over to look at it Friday

I took out a wasps nest!! actually physically removed it today was super proud of myself for handling it by myself even though its not really a big deal probably.

also set up a hose/sprinkler for my back lawn today and when i tried to turn it on water came pouring out of the faucet like not actually coming through the hose?? don’t have it in me to figure that out today with all the stuff i’ve been doing lol but i sense another 2 hour project coming up soon.....and then probably calling a plumber anyways

between yesterday and today have spent >1 hour going back and forth between the county tax bureau and my mortgage company over this tax bill that i got and no one can give me a clear answer about it and it is sooooo freaking frustrating. still unsure where i stand with it

did pay some other taxes/bills today

and FINALLY this afternoon went though this HUGE folder that i have where i shove all my important-looking mail and other important documents (e.g. the deed to my house, my mortgage ID number and info, my gas/electric account info, etc.) and I organized it all into a big binder with folders and stuff.

also FINALLY finished breaking down the last of the boxes to be recycled. it’s been like 4 weeks that ive filled up my recycling with broken down boxes from moving/ordering furniture etc. and as of this afternoon it’s finally all out of my basement!

also cleared out my office room and the desk space, organized all my stuff and made drawers for different categories of things lol.

and we might end up cancelling the couch order (that was placed 2 months ago and will still allegedly take another 6 weeks to be delivered) and just get one from costco instead that will be delivered in like a week soooo that would be cool if that worked out!

i’m super wiped and dying for a nap but i might just go with more coffee and continuing to power through. still gotta meal prep for the rest of the week, do laundry, finish vacuuming, take care of some stuff for the cats, unpack from the weekend, etc. Although this can all get really stressful and overwhelming I feel pretty damn accomplished and want to acknowledge myself for that

#personal #house things #me #the boys

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cancerbiophd · 5 years ago

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Hey! I’m sure this is a question you get asked a lot but how did you decide that a PhD was for you? I’m about to enter the last year of my undergrad and have really enjoyed the lab work I’ve done previously but it feels like a rather large commitment when I’m not 100% sure I’m going to end up in research at the end of it. I was just wondering how you knew it was what you wanted to do!

Hello!

I actually have never been asked that question before, which was surprising for me too. I get a lot of “how did you know lab research was right for you”, but never specifically about how I knew a PhD was right for me (or maybe I did and I just didn’t answer it well), so I’m really glad you asked!

As you said, it really does come down to answering yes to both these statements:

The career path I want is best accomplished with a PhD

I am willing to commit to the challenging journey of 5-6 years of grad school (+1-3 years of being a post-doc, if applicable to your field)

So here are the reasons how I knew getting a PhD was the best past for me:

I loved research. And I loved research beyond just doing benchwork--I loved the brainstorming, the experimental design, the analyzing of results, the troubleshooting of the unexpected, the dissecting of both broad and fine details as you solve a puzzle, the moment when you realize you just discovered something no one else has ever seen before, and communicating those exciting results. I was infatuated. When I was working as a lab tech in a cancer research lab after undergrad there were nights where I couldn’t sleep because my brain just would not stop brainstorming new ideas and questions about my research. I told that to a current grad student in the lab at the time and he was like “You know what that means? You have the mind of a grad student.”

And I wanted to broaden my skillsets. I could do a few techniques really well, but I really wanted to learn more, and I also wanted to learn more about those techniques--why do this, and not an alternative? What would happen if we tried this? I wanted to explore more.

Going off of that, I wanted to keep learning. And not just looking up wikipedia articles by myself; I wanted formal training (because I had no idea what I needed to learn). And I’ve always been good at learning in a classroom setting so I knew I would excel at that part in grad school.

It would lead me to the career path I wanted, which was to work at a biotech company as a leader of a research team and then become a consultant. True, a PhD is not required for that in many cases, but a PhD would better prepare me for those roles

I enjoyed writing and orally communicating about my research. PhD’s do metric ton of writing (grants, papers, reports, etc) and oral presentations (conferences, meetings, collaborations, etc). And I really enjoyed (and was good at) all that.

I wanted to be in a position where I could lead and mentor. As someone with the highest degree in the room, institutions look to the PhDs for direction. So PhDs will become leaders--whether it’s a lab of their own in academia, or a team in an industry setting, etc. Even grad students have undergrads, or have to TA. And I was ready for, and wanted, all that.

I was good at wearing a lot of hats. PhDs don’t just do a singular task; during grad school we learn to be versatile (you have to be in an academic lab setting), and that versatility carries through later as we become excellent multitaskers and are good at adapting to new challenges. And as someone who has always successfully juggled school and work and multiple extracurriculars, and had experience being a rockin lab manager (in the lab I worked in after undergrad), I knew I was up to it.

I loved working by myself but I also loved working as a team--and that’s a necessity for research in general, even for non-PhDs, but PhDs are more likely to have to excel at both.

I was mentally, physically, emotionally, and financially ready for the challenges and commitment of 5-6 years of grad school (plus 1-3 years of being a post-doctoral fellow, if applicable). Grad school is tough as balls, and you have to be just as tough, or at least have the resources to help you. I took a gap year of 2.5 years after undergrad to a) figure out what the heck I wanted to do/get research experience and b) mature to the point where I could be ready for something like grad school. I feel that working as a full-time lab tech really allowed me to immerse myself into the closest setting of a grad student in my field as possible. Being there 40 hrs/week really is different than when you’re an undergrad researcher popping in for 2 hours/day. I also took a grad-level class to see if I could mentally balance class and research. I know that’s obviously not an option available to everyone (nor is it necessary), but that’s just how I knew that every part of me could handle the rigors of grad school.

Going off of that, I had a lot of grit and discipline. Sometimes that’s all you have left to get you through the day in grad school when everything else feels depleted. Grad students do a lot of things they’re not motivated to do, but we gotta get it done anyway, and sometimes grit is all we have to make our limbs move.

PhD holders and PhD students at the time were telling me I’d be great at pursuing one. They know better than anyone what it takes, and they knew I was ready.

Also dang, I’d be lying if I said money didn’t play a role in it. I graduated college in 2011 during the grand ol recession, and the job market stunk. I saw that options for biology majors were slim to none (I was extremely lucky to have found my lab tech job), so I knew I had to either wait it out until the job market bounced back, or make myself a more attractive candidate for the workforce, or both! (Let’s not talk about the economy during Covid lol). Also, the thought of making over 100k with a PhD was attractive. Don’t let anyone tell you otherwise, but money does buy happiness, because money buys food and a roof over your head and warm clothes and healthcare and hobbies so uh, yeah, I did get the highest degree possible partially for the money.

So why not a Masters? That’s a good question!! And the truth is: I didn’t know I could accomplish most of what I wanted with a Masters. And that was my fault for not doing my own research, but I think I was just.. surrounded by PhDs (both in my academic lab setting and in my family) and the thought of doing a Masters never really occurred to me. Also, idk, I knew in my heart and in my bones I wanted a PhD, so I’m not sure if I would be happy with a Masters.

Lastly, because this list is personal to me, getting a PhD would get me off my mom’s shit-list and end her endless emotional abuse towards me being worthless, etc. Long story, but yeah, it did factor into it as kind of a bonus point.

So thar’s my spiel.

One last thing I want to add: though continuing research is the most common career path for PhD holders, it’s not the only one. Here’s what else is available for PhDs (from the book Career Opportunities in Biotechnology and Drug Development by Toby Freedman)

If the image is hard to see, there are 4-ish main branches, and then some sub-branches (and even more specialized sub-branches that aren’t labeled):

R&D: Discovery research, preclinical research, bio/pharmaceutical product development, project management, clinical development, regularly affairs, medical affairs

Services: Recruiting, law, venture capital & banking, management consulting

Operations: Bio IT, quality, operations

Commercial Operations: Business development, corporate communications, product support, sales, marketing

And that’s just in the industry sector--academia, government, and non-academia/non-govt research institutions are also obviously available as career choices, though those would focus more on R&D (and also teaching).

You obviously don’t need to know the specifics of your career path before committing to grad school, but I think you should have a general idea that what you want to do would best be accomplished with a PhD.

If you’re still on the fence, I would advise:

Talking to more grad students or degree holders--both PhD and Masters (our Gradblr Discord is great for that!)--to paint a bigger picture.

Informational interviews are also great, especially if you’re interested in learning more about those career paths above.

You can also explore the field a bit more in-person by starting off with a Masters (less time commitment than a PhD, though more expensive), or an entry-level research job like I did.

Best of luck!

#genestudies #grad advice #job advice

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imjustthemechanic · 4 years ago

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The Price of a Soul

Part 1/? - Agent Russel Part 2/? - The Letter Part 3/? - Miss Lake Part 4/? - The Stewardess Part 5/? - An Assassination Part 6/? - Fallout Part 7/? - Face to Face Part 8/? - Deals, Details, and Other Devils Part 9/? - Baggage Part 10/? - Private Funding

Howard, of course, is all for this plan.

Howard Stark’s hours were unpredictable at best. Sometimes he was awake for days on end working on a pet project, running on coffee, cigarettes, and whiskey until he simply ran out of steam and collapsed. Sometimes he’d been overseas for too long and had not yet reset his internal clock, so that he was up all night and slept all day. Sometimes he napped in strange places like a lazy cat. Peggy had no idea what to expect when she rang his bell in the morning.

The first thing she heard was the barking, followed by a yelp from Mr. Jarvis and a cry of, “Anna! Would you please contain this beast?” Some scuffling and more barking followed, and then the door opened. Whatever had just happened, it didn’t stop Mr. Jarvis from looking as tidy and composed as ever when he opened the door.

“Agent Carter, good morning,” he said cheerfully. “What can we do for you today?”

Behind him, Anna Jarvis was kneeling on the floor in her dressing gown, cooing Hungarian endearments to the animal Peggy assumed was called a ‘Bernese mountain dog’ not because it came from the Swiss Alps but because it was simply a mountain of dog. Its tongue was lolling out and its eyes closed in bliss.

“Good morning, Mr. Jarvis,” said Peggy. “I was wondering if Howard were out of bed yet.”

“He’s in the backyard, nursing a hangover by the swimming pool,” said Mr. Jarvis. “I’m sure he’ll be delighted to see you.”

Peggy stepped inside and nodded to Anna and the dog. “Good morning, Anna. Zoltan.”

“Lovely to see you, Peggy,” Anna said, fondling the dog’s red and black ears. “Sorry I’m not dressed. I just have to get this fellow his breakfast.”

“It’s quite all right,” Peggy assured her. “I don’t know how long I’m likely to be here, anyway.”

Behind the house, Howard was sprawled across a chaise under the canopy, wearing his brocade bathrobe, a pair of sunglasses, and probably nothing else. Jarvis picked up a discarded newspaper and laid it discreetly over his employer’s lap before touching his shoulder to wake him. “Mr. Stark?”

“Huh?” Howard twitched.

“Agent Carter is here.”

“Oh.” Howard’s head tilted back again. “I guess there’s no chance of telling her to come back later?”

“I don’t do later, Howard,” said Peggy. Jarvis pulled up a chair for her, and she sat down across from Howard. “I need a favour… in fact, Daniel and I both need a favour.”

“Is this the part where you remind me again that you kept my ass out of jail?” he asked.

“It is.”

“All right.” Howard made an effort to sit up and look slightly more presentable – at least as much as a man could when there was only yesterday’s Examiner to preserve his modesty. “What’s going on?”

Peggy had spent a good deal of time in her bath the previous evening thinking over exactly how she was going to present this idea. “I’m sure you remember the time you had me steal back a vial of Steve Roger’s blood for you under the pretense that it was a superweapon.”

“Technically, it could be, in the wrong hands,” said Howard. “But I definitely remember where you hit me. Did you find it?” he asked, peering over his sunglasses with bloodshot eyes.

Howard did not know that Peggy had thrown the vial in the East River, and she was not about to tell him. “No. But before I tell you what I did find, I need you to assure me of your honourable intentions. If some piece of Captain Rogers or his property were to turn up, what would you do about it?”

“Depends on what it is,” said Howard, “but if it were his body I’d throw him the hero’s funeral he deserves, and if it’s the shield I’d build him a monument out of it.”

Peggy leaned closer. “You swear?” she asked.

“Cross my heart,” he said. “What have you found?”

“A set of coordinates. Seventy-four, forty-seven, thirty-five. Ninety-five, twenty-five, three.”

She could almost see the gears in Howard’s head turning as he placed them. “That’s… that’s further north than we ever looked… way up in the sea ice.” He started to get up, then grabbed at his newspaper. Peggy politely turned her head while he fixed his robe. “I’ve got a map here somewhere…”

“I know,” she said, getting up to follow him inside. “I already looked.”

In the library, the atlas Peggy had used was still sitting out on a table. Howard quickly found the same page, and the same point. “Cornwallis Island.”

“Daniel and I aren’t sure the tip is trustworthy,” Peggy explained, “so we need this to be discreet, no taxpayer money. I’m on medical leave for the occasion.”

“Of course. Not a word,” said Howard. “Just you and me and a few of the locals to carry stuff. There might not be anything visible on the surface anymore.”

“No?” Peggy asked. “Our source described the crash in some detail, as if they were there when it happened, and seemed to think there would still be parts of the plane caught on the rocks of the island.”

“Yeah, but sea ice isn’t static,” Howard said. “It moves around, and snow builds up and doesn’t melt. If the wreck’s in the ice it’ll be torn apart, very slowly, and will eventually melt out the bottom and fall onto the sea floor. The ice up there isn’t transparent, either, it’s yards thick and full of cracks and bubbles. We need a way to see what’s under it.”

“And you happen to have just the thing?” Peggy guessed.

Howard nodded eagerly. “I’ve been working on it on and off for a while now… an ice-penetrating sonar. The big problem was keeping the sound of the plane itself from interfering, but the last month or so I’ve actually had your buddy Dr. Wilkes up there troubleshooting on it. He’s a great guy for acoustics. His work on the vibration frequencies of the Zero Matter…”

“Is it ready for testing?” After knowing him for nearly ten years, Peggy was an expert at gently encouraging Howard to stay on topic.

“Yes! That’s why we moved it to my hangar in upstate New York,” Howard said. “Closer to the ice, less shipping hassle than getting it to Alaska. It’s installed on one of my planes there.”

“So we can simply fly it up to Canada and take a look,” said Peggy. That would cut down on their search time enormously, if they didn’t have to trek across the ice for days on end. “Wonderful. But as I said, we can’t have any fanfare. Absolute secrecy is best.”

Howard pouted. “You don’t think I can keep a secret, Peg?” he asked.

“You do tend to get over-excited,” she said. “And we know, by the way, that there are more of those Russian girls in the country, so you’re not even allowed to hint at it over drinks. How soon can you be ready to go?”

“I can be ready to go right now,” Howard replied. “It depends on if Jason’s got the thing ready in New York. I’ll give him a call right away.” He checked his watch. “Yeah, he’ll be up by now.”

“I should hope so,” Peggy said. “Dr. Wilkes tends to be far more regular in his hours than you. But don’t tell him over the phone where we’re going,” she added. “Treat it as just another test flight. You never know who might be listening in.”

“You can count on me, Peg. After all… you did keep my ass out of jail.” Howard grinned at her.

“Thank you, Howard.” She smiled back. “I’ll head home and pack a bag.” That wouldn’t take long. Peggy knew how to travel light.

As she was heading back to the front door, she met Mr. Jarvis coming the other way. “Agent Carter?” he said. “Are you leaving?”

“Yes, I’m afraid I have a lot to do today,” she said. “I can’t stay for tea.”

“I wasn’t about to ask you to, but I’ve just taken a phone call from Chief Sousa,” Mr. Jarvis said. “He was unable to say why, but he would like you to stop by the SSR offices as soon as possible.”

He probably wanted to know how her conversation with Howard had gone, Peggy thought, though it was strange that he’d called rather than waiting for her to contact him. “I’ll do so on my way home. Thank you, Mr. Jarvis. Give my best to Anna, would you?”

“I shall. Will we see you again soon?”

“I certainly hope so,” Peggy said.

She probably could have done more to warn Howard how unlikely they were to find anything up there, Peggy thought as she drove back to the office, but for the moment it was probably best to let him ride the initial wave of enthusiasm. The whole story could wait for their flight back to New York and the subsequent journey to the Northwest Territories. Howard and Jason’s sonar, though… that was exactly what they needed! If this were indeed some sort of trap, there was no way the Soviets would be expecting them to fly over at a height rather than hiking out from the island. If there were something there, they’d be able to get at least an idea of it without so much as setting foot on the ice. Then if it appeared dangerous, they could contact Daniel and ask for further suggestions.

“Afternoon, Rose,” said Peggy cheerfully as she entered the reception area. Rose was sitting at her desk, tiredly watching a trio of midgets in matching sequined costumes perform an acrobatic routine.

Rose did not smile back. “Oh, you got Mr. Auerbach’s message?” she said.

“I did,” Peggy nodded. “He’s upstairs?”

“Yes. So is Mr. Masters.”

Peggy’s spirits, which had been high on her drive over, sank straight through the floor. It wasn’t that there was no reason for him to be here – Peggy could think of half a dozen things he might have decided to stick his unwelcome fingers into – it was that whatever he wanted was always at odds with whatever Peggy was trying to accomplish. Daniel had rung her at Howard’s because he was trying to warn her.

She took a deep breath, stood up straight, and nodded. “I’ll head right up.”

Peggy stepped into Daniel’s office with her head held high and determination in her step. Daniel himself was not there. Vernon Masters, however, was. He was sitting in Daniel’s chair, where Peggy had sat for her interview with Lake as Agent Russel, waiting for her.

“Carter,” he said.

“Mr. Masters,” Peggy replied.

“Care to explain how another Soviet spy got into the country undetected and killed one of our most important political prisoners while you were a dozen feet away?”

He certainly did get straight to the point, didn’t he? “It is my understanding that Miss Lake drilled through the glass of the cell window and shot Dr. Zola using a police revolver with a home-made suppressor,” she replied.

“While you stood right next door and did nothing.”

“Our best information at the time suggested that Miss Lake was here for Underwood and Fenhoff,” said Peggy. “I was acting on that. We had no reason to think Dr. Zola was in any danger.”

“You sure didn’t try to protect him,” said Masters.

“We did our best to keep the entire prison secure,” Peggy said. “Perhaps you ought to question the people in charge of the Sing Sing Correctional Facility, rather than me.”

Masters sat up. “I’m going to be straight with you, Carter,” he said. “We sent an FBI agent to investigate your potential involvement in Underwood’s escape – he was drugged and robbed by a colleague of hers, who then went on to kill Zola right under your nose. You understand why this doesn’t look good for you.”

“I do,” said Peggy, keeping her body language as neutral as possible. Since Masters’ last visit she’d been telling herself not to worry about him because he had nothing on her… but now events were conspiring against her. The situation he described could easily make Peggy look like a traitor to somebody sufficiently paranoid… or at least incompetent. He couldn’t possibly have any real evidence, though, because if he did he’d be having her arrested. His ‘case’, if it could be called that, must be entirely circumstantial.

“I’m going to have a full investigation look into your conduct, Carter,” said Masters. “If you haven’t done anything, you have nothing to fear, but you’re suspended from duty as of now.”

“As it happens, I’m already on medical leave,” she said. “Chief Sousa insisted I take time off to recover from the chemical Miss Lake attacked me with. Apparently Dr. Mroczek in New York worries there might be permanent damage to my lungs.”

“From what you’ve said about these Russian girls you should be grateful she didn’t shoot you,” said Masters. He stood up from Daniel’s chair. “I’ll be checking in.”

“I’m sure you will,” said Peggy, wondering what he would think when she left the country… and how he would fit it into his personal conspiracy theory when she came back.

#fanfic #captain america #agent carter #peggy carter #steve rogers #howard stark #steggy #fix it fic

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talesfromtinytonka · 3 years ago

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Prompt 6 - Avatar - The Goldsmith's Mistake

The sun was just beginning to set across the warm Thanalan sky when Dewedain arrived. The man had arrived early, even in spite of his many mistaken turns down the twisting alleyways of Ul’dah to find the place, and so he stood steady next to the locked door. This place was a workshop, he had been told; one that was special and quite secretive, owned and maintained by the goldsmith’s guild. Dewedain smiled to himself in excitement as he awaited the arrival of the guild receptionist. He had worked hard in the past few years under promise of this day’s arrival, and though others had excelled in the flashier aspects of the trade, Dewedain sought to hone his skills towards a more practical aspect of the skillset: a mastery of clockwork movement. After all, Dewedain thought, no one would buy an off-tune music box or an inaccurate timepiece, no matter how sparkly and bejeweled they were made to be. Surely this night would be a reward to the culmination of his efforts.

As Jemime made her way down the narrow alleyway, keys in hand, Dewedain snapped back to attention. “This is it.” He thought, “My very own workshop…” As Jemime gave her greeting and pulled a particular key from the ring, she spoke to him. “I’m sure you’re wondering why I called you here. I have orders from the Guildmaster herself.” Dewedain’s heart leaped as he awaited the words, nodding quickly. Jemime continued. “The Guildmaster has asked me to have you put your skills to the task of fixing a few of the clockwork automatons in this workshop by sunrise. Please lock up when you are finished.” Dewedain stared in confusion for a moment, not quite processing the words. “All this…to fix a few stinking Mammets!?” Dewedain bit his lip as he did his best to hold back his disappointment. His disdain for the creatures was no well-kept secret amongst the guild. When they weren’t breaking his concentration with their obnoxiously loud movement—or cursing, in Gigi’s case—they were constantly breaking down and wasting both time and delicate parts. As Dewedain resigned to his fate and went to grab the key, Jemime stopped him, raising her finger up in the air. “Not yet...before you go in I have a warning from the Guildmaster herself. It is a great honor to work in this particular shop, Dewedain…these are no ordinary automatons. Do not let your curiosity get the better of you, and under nocircumstances are you to unlock the workshop door once more, until the moment you leave. Do you understand?” Dewedain considered the strange rules and agreed to do so, his thoughts still preoccupied with his annoyance at the task in hand.

Jemime handed over the key to him and waited for him to open the door, which he promptly did. Dewedain walked into the workshop, the room much larger and darker than he had imagined it would be. Jemime closed the door as he grabbed a lantern from the wall, turning to lock the door by her instructions. As her footsteps faded from his ears he turned once more, fumbling with the lantern. “How un-ordinary could a couple of stupid Mammets be...” He thought, pulling the mechanism to light the oil within with a fire shard. The lantern roared to life, illuminating a workshop space beset on all sides with shelves and benches. Dewedain looked on at awe with the help of the light, the illumination revealing the true nature of the objects stored within the workshops walls: each shelf contained dozens of clockwork creations, each one uniquely designed from the others. Dewedain walked down the small path cleared between the shelves of the workshop, identifying the ones he could. That one there was of a Moogle, he could plainly tell. That one there was an airship! There were hundreds of these things in here, most of them far beyond the man’s knowledge or recognition. He even spotted a few unfortunate looking designed ones in the back: some manufactured as some form of caricature to the deadly primals he had seen depictions of in paintings, and even one of the dreaded Dalamud! Dewedain lit every candle he could find in the workshop, revealing them in all their glory.

As the man looked upon their craftsmanship with childlike enthusiasm, he suddenly made a realization to himself. “Wait…I have seen these before. These are…clockwork figures commissioned by adventurers!” Minions, he remembered they were called; a new fad made popular by the Scions and their Warrior of Light. Dewedain had not known the guild to be even a partial source of these creations, but as he stood among them and took in their lovingly crafted sights, he could not help but feel his heart begin to swell with excitement anew. “These are certainly no Mammets…anyone willing to put in this level of detail must have a commendably high level of expectation in their functionality…” As the man sat down at a workbench with a number of the objects lined up, he began to feel much better about the task at hand. Grabbing his set of tools and goldsmith spectacles, the man grabbed the closest clockwork minion to him—a Cherry Bomb—and got to work. The inner workings of the automatons, as it turned out, were just as intriguing as their exterior details to the man, though not too difficult to ascertain and troubleshoot. It took only a half hour or so for the man to fix the Cherry Bomb, and he watched with restrained joy as the minion rose in the air, glowing and gyrating with life. Dewedain couldn’t wait to fix the others upon the workbench to see how they acted, and so he resumed his work with speed and precision.

After what seemed like just a few short hours, the man was finally working on his last minion: one of an adventurer that seemed to change in appearance and attitude to mimic the famed Warrior of Light. Dewedain fixed it with relative ease, a parade of Moogle minions dancing and frolicking around his head. As the man turned to the rest of the shelves to put his fixed ones away, he couldn’t help but feel the pangs of curiosity grip his heart. There were still so many upon the shelves that did not need fixing; many of which Dewedain was curious to watch and open up to explore their interactions. As the man idly moved towards a shelf to place this recently fixed “Minion of Light” the Moogle minions flying above him dipped too low, tripping him. Dewedain smacked his head upon the shelf, sending it falling backwards into the next one like a domino effect before sprawling out on the ground. The man groaned in pain, his vision darkening as he heard the strange winding of objects around him.

When Dewedain awoke to the workshop once more, he found it to be in utter chaos. A rancid smell forced him to sit up quickly, only to find that it was a mischievous looking morbol giggling at his reaction before scurrying away. The man watched in horror as many of the minions had come to life, and carried an attitude much like their counterparts: Wolf pups chased coeurl kittens around the floor, a small goobbue sat upon one shelf with an even smaller pudding in its mouth, while the fearsome primals of Eorzea seemed to be arguing and fighting with one another. Dewedain got up to his feet only to find a rather ominous looking Tonberry brandishing a knife mere inches from where his head once laid. The man panicked as he considered what to do, knowing the Guildmaster was certain to have his head if Jemime returned to the workshop to find this. As the man contemplated his options and the disturbingly lifelike nature of some of the automatons’ functionality, a Warrior of Light stepped forth to save the day! Dewedain watched as the minion he had fixed leapt to his aid, smacking the Tonberry with a model sword and knocking the winding key from its back. The automated Tonberry immediately halted, its movements abruptly ending as it stood lifeless on the floor. Dewedain watched as the miniature Warrior of Light turned to the primal minions and held his sword aloft. Others, much to the man’s surprise, soon joined him. Dewedain looked upon their features and recognized them to be lifelike models of the Scions of the Seventh Dawn. The man could hardly believe it as a miniaturized recreation of the many battles he had heard rumors of was unfolding before his very eyes!

The miniature troupe of adventurers began their fierce battle with the primal automatons, buying Dewedain the time he needed to gather up the rest. While they felled the tiny nails of Ifrit, Dewedain tracked down the morbol seedling and pulled the key from its writhing mass of tentacles; while they dodged the pushes of Titan’s pebble-like fists across the surface of the workbench, Dewedain broke up the pups and kittens, placing them back upon the shelves he had now returned to their upright position. Garuda flew high above the reach of any of the adventurers, but not high enough to not be plucked from the air by the man while she wasn’t looking. Dewedain let out a sigh of relief as he felt the danger begin to subside from the room, but not before a comparatively miniscule shockwave sent the adventurers flying off the bench, their wind-up keys discarded to the floor. Dewedain turned to find none other than Dalamud itself, an almost cute recreation of Bahamut rising out of the cracked opening of the false moon! The man watched as the figure seemed to breathe a fire that looked all too real to risk touching. “Who the hell thought this was a good idea!?” Dewedain thought, and as the creature moved closer and closer to him he was certain that he would not be freed of the automaton without incurring at least a few burns; burns that Jemime would certainly question upon her return.

As Dewedain took a step back, he felt something begin to climb his back from behind him. The man turned to look, gasping at the revelation of another active minion: that of the famed Louisoix himself! The miniature Louisoix held his trust staff high and fired bolts of magic at the baby Bahamut, causing the Dreadwyrm’s miniature to charge and swarm Dewedain as he panicked. Louisoix stood fast to the man’s shoulder, Dewedain helping to dodge the flames as Louisoix fired missile after missile of arcane magic at the dragon. The fight did not last long as the Dreadwyrm fumbled with the Dalamud model upon his head, one well-placed missile sending it falling to the floor. Dewedain quickly grabbed the wind-up key from the top of its head and collected it, placing it lifelessly on a shelf. As Dewedain picked up the remaining inanimate models and made a final sweep of the workshop for any further signs of active minions, there came a knock on the workshop door. “Dewedain? It’s dawn. You’re not sleeping in there, are you?”

Dewedain dimmed the lights in the workshop and rushed to the door, unlocking it. “N-Not at all, Jemime!” Dewedain stood as firm as he could before the guild receptionist, his sweat covered face trying to remain as convincingly calm as possible. “You…didn’t run into any issues, did you? I know automatons aren’t particularly your favorite…” Dewedain cleared his throat and responded. “N-no trouble at all! They were actually quite interesting…The work was, uh, very easy for me.” Jemime looked at him with an eyebrow raised. “I see…that’s wonderful news, but…are you absolutely certain you ran into no trouble at all?” Dewedain nodded in acknowledgement, feeling the receptionist’s eyes upon him like spotlights. “I see…your dedication is very much appreciated. You’re free to go home and rest now.” Dewedain relaxed his posture and breathed a silent sigh of relief as he turned to head down the alleyway. “Oh, Dewedain? One more thing before you go.” Dewedain stopped and turned to Jemime, a knowing smile forming on her lips. “I’ll let the Guildmaster know to put the Louisoix on your tab.” Dewedain’s heart sank as he looked to himself, the proof of his mistake still standing upon his shoulders protectively.

#ffxivwrite2021 #ffxivwrite #ffxiv fanfiction #ffxiv

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s-whetung · 3 years ago

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Week 12 - Tech dependency

Week 12 - What’s not working? Let me see first if there is anything working!

That is blowing things out of proportion.

But when a venture is tech dependent, “good enough” might - and i say MIGHT - do the job. Maybe the tech will make it through the next couple of weeks so that at the end of this semester, i can get a new computer or laptop. But no, it is the “Age of the Machines” and they have their own agenda. These machines, like horses and pets, will do something outrageous outside of normal office hours. Delays are not much fun. I did all the troubleshooting, sent an email for customer support, waited the 24-48 (yep, 48 hours) for a response that says to please call them M-F 8:30 am -4:30pm because it is apparent i have completed all of the troubleshooting....so, another day or 2 (long weekend, 3) down the tube. When their office opens up again, I will be so delighted to find out what the answer is - is it the laptop manufacturer, or Windows 10 or McAfee that is causing the system to drop a variety of drivers, and prevent re-installation of said drivers. Pity, because it is the printer company that has to help me this time with the driver. Can’t understand why drivers and settings just change or disappear because Windows attempts an update. Makes no logical sense. And why is it on me to spend 6-8 hours per week to fix driver problems? And why is it that each week it is a different driver? Gets me going down the rabbit hole of Corporate greed - a $900 laptop should be reliable and last for more than one year. And the numbers person in me gets to thinking - how does a proprietor balance the budget when the tech needs regular maintenance from the “Geek Squad”. That means a proprietor has another mouth to feed - excuse me - an additional expense line. It’s no different than a farmer with the vet, the transport driver or taxi driver and the mechanic, or the lawn maintenance and the person who puts the lawnmower back together. These supporting roles help a proprietor make more money by keeping the elements of the business healthy and in good working order, thereby making them more productive.

One of my classmates has been using the same brand of laptop as mine, and she just purchased a desktop with WindowsPro and Office for business. She is thrilled. I am glad to know someone who took the risk and says it is definitely worth it. That makes her the influencer and me the laggard. This Friday, I have an appointment to speak with someone who is familiar with accessibility tech and settings. After our chat, i will have a better idea which direction i am going in for purchasing a replacement computer.

Fingers crossed, this machine will get me through exams and not drop something that prevents me from accessing the internet or OneDrive. This lemon will become either lemonade, lemon meringue or replaced with something that is more akin to Irish Coffee on espresso.

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adhdteacherthings · 5 years ago

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If anyone is wondering how distance teaching is going, here's the highlights:

1) I miss my kids SO MUCH!

2) It's way less stressful than planning 6 hours of actual in-person instruction.

3) The technology troubleshooting... oh my god...

4) I've gotten more criticism from parents on my teaching in just the last few weeks than in my entire time teaching, so I'm gonna compartmentalize that.

5) I am SO THANKFUL for my grade team! We've split up all the planning and instruction so that it's manageable and we don't go crazy completely restructuring everything for the last third of the school year.

6) I work until like 11pm every night grading things and setting up assignments for the next day, but I'm also playing a whole lot of Animal Crossing.

7) Goddamn do I hate recording my face! I love recording screencast lessons, but there's something about recording my own face that just sends me off the deep end...

8) I'm getting frustrated with my kids just like... not doing their work? Or lying about doing it when I can check that they didn't? I know that they're in elementary school and that we're in the middle of a literal pandemkc, but come on, guys. At least watch the lesson videos that I took hours planning and recording, please!

9) I feel like my motivation is... exactly the same as it was before the quarantine. Probably better, tbh. I have ADHD and take meds daily. One day this month I realized at 6pm that I hadn't taken my meds at all that day, and I just didn't even notice. That would NEVER happen if I was teaching normally. This is my summer normal and I'm so used to battling executive dysfunction that this just seems like par for the course.

#just some of my experiences in the last... month? idk time isnt real #distance teaching #ADHD #COVID #coronavirus

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swordarkeereon · 4 years ago

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Tech Review for Writers: reMarkable2

I got myself a piece of interesting tech this year in hopes it would get me from out in front of a computer screen more often. Meet the reMarkable2, a distraction free (i.e. it’s not connected to the entirety of the internet) e-ink tablet workhorse that’s easy on the eyes.

The reMarkable2 Tablet

First things first. The reMarkable2 tablet is not for everyone and your average person probably won’t find it the least bit useful. So let’s talk about why you don’t want this tablet first.

reMarkable 2 is not for you if:

– You want an eReader. eReaders have a VERY DIFFERENT function than the reMarkable2. Yes, you can read PDFs on a reMarkable, but it’s more for *marking up* a PDF and commenting in the margins of a PDF. Not just reading. eReaders like Kindles and Nooks often have built in dictionaries, ways to bookmark pages or passages of text, etc… that the reMarkable2 doesn’t have. You can search your documents for specific phrases and words and also highlight things in a light gray, but if you’re just looking for an eReader, I suggest a Kindle.

– You want a full functioning tablet that you can put apps on and surf the web with- If you’re looking for a full functioning tablet, you’ve missed the whole point of the reMarkable2. The main point behind reMarkable2 is so you can go to your creative place (wherever that may be) and brainstorm, free from ALL distractions. You can’t stop to surf FB or your Twitter feed on a reMarkable2, thus making it more likely you’ll stay on task and get more done.

– You want something with color so you can highlight because what you really want is a fully functioning ebook reader or tablet. This tablet is really more of a no frills brainstorming and note-taking tool for entrepreneurs, professionals, academics, and creatives (including engineers, writers, musicians, possibly artists if they like to sketch in black and white) who use a lot of black pens and plain paper.

I bought the tablet for the following reasons (which I wrote down BEFORE I received the device):

– I wanted an electronic notebook (not a tablet). I’m one of those people who goes through 3 packs of sticky notes every month, and countless notebooks every year. I am constantly jotting stuff down to keep myself focused and on track while running my own business and helping out at the family business. My notes can be anything from putting together presentations, classes, and meetings, to extensive to-do lists for the day. Sometimes it’s just me keeping track of sales figures. As a result, my desk is always filled with papers and notebooks and I’m constantly searching for shit. The electronic notebook cleans up all this clutter and helps me organize my brain. (Have you seen my brain!? It’s a mess in there.)

– I like to write freehand, especially when I’m plotting the next book or writing a blurb, or even writing a chapter – and it must be distraction free. This is something only fellow authors will understand. The fact that the reMarkable2 can convert handwritten notes to text sent via email has me excited because, if I’m lucky and it works, I won’t have to go through and transcribe all my handwritten notes. It basically saves me time by eliminating a step. I can copy/paste the note from my email into the appropriate file on my laptop. This will also save me the clutter and weight of carrying countless notebooks.

– I am involved with projects that require me to sketch out ideas for marketing and/or artwork. I do have tablets that can do this, but nothing that does it *well*. The closest is my Surface tablet, which can do a lot of things, but it still doesn’t feel like paper or allow me the fine detail paper allows. I’m hoping this tablet is a bit more responsive in this area. – I am forever printing out rough drafts of manuscripts for markup – wasting a ton of paper and toner in the process. All because I can’t edit on a backlit screen. My eyes get tired and I miss too many errors. If I can transfer my PDF drafts to the reMarkable and mark them up there with minimal errors left over, I could save some $$. I am actually estimating that I could easily save the cost of the reMarkable2 in 6 months to 1 year’s time by not having to purchase the paper, pens, and toner I usually go through in that time frame. Plus, these marked up manuscripts often end up in a stack on my office floor for 6 months to a year after publication.

– I am forever having to read PDFs of laws and regulations for the family business, and while I usually use them on the computer, I sit in front of a computer 8-13 hours a day. I need a non-backlit screen for reading in the evenings just to give my eyes a break. Yes, I imagine I could do the same with a Kindle paperwhite, but I may just want to jot some notes in the same way I’d mark up a paper copy. I’m still a pen and paper girl. I’m really hoping the reMarkable is my replacement for that (most of the time anyway).

reMarkable2 test to sample the pen styles.

Some considerations I took into account before purchasing:

A lot of customers complained that it took too long to receive the reMarkable or to get support. From all of the research I did, and in reading their website, it’s clear to me that this company caters to academia and businesses. I ordered my reMarkable2 on January 16, 2021, and had it in my hands by January 25, 2021. 9 days. I also ordered it and paid for it through my business. I don’t know if that’s actually why I got mine so fast, but I wouldn’t be surprised. That said, I do think the company should work a little harder to increase their customer service efficiency.

With regard to customer support – the website clearly states it can take up to 10 business days for support to get back to you. And a lot of the things people seem to be complaining about have troubleshooting instructions on the website. Clearly people weren’t going to the website to try to look up their issue through the support FAQs, which likely would have helped them out sooner. They were just contacting support immediately, and angry when they weren’t getting a response after 3 days, when it’s clearly stated on the website that it can take up to 10 days due to the fact that reMarkable is a small company. But like I said earlier – they would be smart to increase their customer service team.

reMarkable’s folios are a custom fit and really pretty, but a bit pricey. I made the tablet more affordable by skipping the upgrade on the pen, because a friend of mine got the eraser feature and she wasn’t digging it initially (she loves it now), and I purchased a relatively nice folio from Amazon for under $30 (with no magnets – research told me magnets can cause dead spots in the screen of the reMarkable2). You can also just buy a 10″-11″ tablet sleeve and it would work much the same. There are also universal tablet folios that will fit 10″-11″ tablets that are free of magnets and will likely work just fine. All for under $20 bucks — even a few in faux leather. Remember that a case should protect your investment, not just make it *look* sharp.

Right out of the Box.

Right out of the box I set the reMarkable up and started using it for brainstorming. Here were my first impressions:

1. It really is pretty damn close to writing on paper.

2. You can rest your damn hand on the screen and it won’t fuck things up or make it wobble as with traditional tablets.

3. My handwriting actually looks like my handwriting and you have almost the same control with this as you would with real pen and paper.

4. The interface is simple and intuitive and anyone who uses computers and tablets day and in day out will have no issues figuring this out.

Now some thoughts on the features:

Handwriting to Text: As an author who likes to occasionally spend time writing the old fashioned way, one of the things that attracted me to this tablet was its ability to translate handwriting to text. No writer wants to have to transcribe their written notes and waste all of that time. So of course I tested it with my horrific handwriting, vs purposefully trying to be neat, and the reMarkable2 was able to convert my chicken scratch into actual text that I could read. I was able to turn the handwritten notes into a PDF, but I was also able to send the handwriting converted to typed text as the body of an email, where I was able to cut and paste it into any program I wanted. I took it further and wrote 1000 words (about 8.2 pages) longhand. It converted all the pages to text in one swoop and I was able to copy/paste it into my manuscript. While there was a little formatting and editing involved — it was a lot faster than retyping handwritten notes. WIN!

Handwriting for conversion test.

Conversion successful

PDF Transfer, Markup, and Signature: Transferring PDFs to the reMarkable is easy. You simply download the app on your phone and your desktop, and you can take any pdf from either device and import it onto your reMarkable, which you can then markup. I sent myself a slew of PDFs that I had to read and markup. It’s amazing how much more focused I am on a screen like this. I really got the same experience with editing on a digital PDF as I did with editing on a paper copy. My only caveat is that I don’t have more space to make notes since the margins are a bit small on the screen and there’s no “back of the page” to carry notes over to. I can likely manage. Despite that – what a great experience. Goodbye manuscripts all over my office floor! Hello being able to drag editing work with me wherever I go!

You can also transfer your PDFs that don’t have an electronic signature option to the device, sign them, and send them back. Talk about HANDY since I do that a few times a month by default. This just eliminates the print/sign/scan. Now I just have to transfer it to the device, sign the document, and email it straight back to whoever sent it.

Digital Planners may be something I look into for 2022 because reMarkable actually makes them feasible. I tried a tester digital planner, courtesy a friend, on my reMarkable and I have to say – it offers just as much satisfaction as a paper planner. Plus, you can SEARCH large pdfs. It won’t find search terms in your handwriting, but it will find it in your PDF. That’s definitely a handy feature when you’re working with 500 page PDFs. That said, the tablet saves your place (last page you visited) as you’re navigating a PDF, so no need to search for the place you left off. However, there is no way to bookmark multiple pages.

ePub Reading: suppose I could sideload books as ePubs, but I really have no use for this feature. If I want to read ebooks, I use my kindle or the Kindle App on my tablet or phone. Unless I start doing editing of ePubs or want to check out an ePub format for something? I didn’t buy this as an eReader, and it is terribly lacking as an eReader. Where the reMarkable excels is as a tool for marking up documents. So my guess is it would be great for that if you have a lot of files in ePub format that you have to go over. You also can’t change font sizes for easier reading. You can zoom in and zoom back out to regular size. That’s it. (And this is another reason this is not an eReader.)

Storage: Storage is a little over 6GB (you do not pay for the reMarkable website cloud-sync). But even with about 15 PDFs (some of them really long) on my reMarkable at any given time, I was only at .38 GB.

reMarkable2 Storage

File System: Like I said earlier – the system is highly intuitive and easy to use. I made folders for my most common notebook uses, then I moved the appropriate PDFs to those folders, and created any notebooks I needed for those folders.

Exporting: You can export as .PNG, .SVG, and PDF. Handwriting to text can only be sent as text via the body of an email. This is actually great for writing because then you just have to copy/paste from your email into your Word Doc, Google Doc, or Scrivener.

Importing: Imports PDFs and ePubs.

Templates: The templates are great. I generally only use graph paper, plain, and lined paper myself. But I could see how a lot of these would be useful to people. The to-do list is a crappy template just because it requires you to hide your menu to use it (you can’t tick the the checkboxes until you do this). To hide the menu tap the circle in the upper left top of the menu bar. So if you want a partial page to-do list, you can easily make your own checkbox lists using the graph paper option. There are also dot pages for the folks into bullet journaling.

A small sampling of reMarkable2 Templates

Search Feature: You can search within a PDF, but not through your own handwritten text. You must be in the PDF to search it, otherwise you can only search for file names. You can not search across documents for a phrase or word. So if you’re looking for something with the same search capabilities as a laptop or possibly a tablet, you won’t find it here.

Zooming: You can zoom in on PDF documents and write on them while zoomed. However, you cannot change font sizes to make reading easier.

Battery Life: On days where I used it heavily (about 4-5 hours), I was using around 15% power in a day because I didn’t put it in airplane mode. Three days of 4-5 hours a day use drained my battery to 50%. So me, as a heavy user, not in airplane mode, will likely get 6-7 days out of a single charge. Possibly more since clearly not every day will be a heavy use day. The device does go to sleep after 10 minutes of inactivity.

Pen:The pens are a bit pricey. I did not buy the expensive pen with the eraser and I’m okay with that. But $60 for a pen is still a bit — ouch.

Pen Nib: I am expecting I will be one of those poor unfortunate souls who will be replacing pen tips every 3-4 weeks during heavy use. Luckily the pen itself doesn’t use batteries. The pen nibs seem reasonable in price, just be sure to order a new pack with your device and when you start that pack, order another as shipping times on those can take a week or two depending where you are and how efficient your mail service is. You don’t want to accidently run out and find yourself without a pen. Yikes.

Security: You can add a password to your reMarkable to keep prying eyes out. But if you’re like me and self-employed, that’s not really an issue. Your remarkable has Wi-Fi, yes, but you can put it in airplane mode to cut the connection. Plus, it only syncs to your cloud storage. There really aren’t any entry points for viruses or people hacking into your device. But then I’m also not a tech person. Let’s just say I highly doubt security will be a huge issue on this thing. Besides, anyone who wants to take a peek at my tablet would likely find themselves bored stiff, unless they like reading really rough first drafts of speculative fiction. LOL

Backup/Download: You can easily transfer your files back to your computer by opening the app and simply exporting your finished documents, etc… to your computer, backup drive or cloud drive. You can also just email yourself a copy to make it super easy.

My Wishlist:

1. I wish I could add or append new, handwritten pages to an existing PDF. That would definitely solve the space issue. Now, I just make notes in a different file and jog back and forth between the PDF and the notes, which is a little annoying, but doable. One way to solve this issue would be to save all your PDFs to double spaced. It might make markup a little easier. I’ll try that with the next books to go under the editorial knife.

2. I wish there were cheaper alternative covers. My $17 cover looks great and protects my tablet. reMarkable could easily come up with a few additional low-cost choices here. The ultra professionals are still going to buy nice leather folios.

(I may add to this list in the coming weeks, but right now these are the two main things jumping out at me.)

Overall Review Summary

For writers, reMarkable2 truly is a remarkable distraction free device that can help improve your concentration and organization, give you the freedom to write out longhand and convert it to text without the tedious re-typing, and help you mark up drafts with ease. This would probably serve prolific and professional writers more liberally than the writer who takes a few years to pen a book. Plus, it will probably save you a lot of printer paper, toner, pens and notebooks. For business owners/users – reMarkable will likely save you pounds of sticky notes and legal pads, and hours of time transcribing your notes. Plus, it’s a great on-the-go working tool for content creators and people who review a lot of PDFs.

Have some thoughts on the reMarkable2? Feel free to leave a comment below!

#distraction-free #not sponsored content #reMarkable2 #tablets #technology reviews

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luckdogpuppy · 4 years ago

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Why I Hate Electronics

In the old days we had ms-dos and had to fiddle with config.sys and himem.sys spending endless hours and sleepless nights trying to get the computer to run a program. Computers have come a long way since windows 95 but using them certainly hasn’t gotten any easier. I remember wondering back then why they couldn’t make a computer that actually worked, that actually figured out how to make itself work and work with other programs and devices…after all, it is a computer, isn’t it? No, instead they just get more complicated and mystifying. Now its modems and routers and ethernets and wifi that drive me crazy, and trying to cope with constant buffering when I try to watch Netflix. Who the hell can remember which remote to use to access the right button? And when you do find the right remote to access your tv who can figure out how to get to whatever it is you need to fix? And how many fucking passwords can a person remember? And passwords have to be more complicated every year. I can barely use my phone, flipping from one screen to another with my finger. It seems the only way to get out of certain screens is to shut your phone off and restart it. And nobody tells you this stuff…you have to figure it out on your own. Ever read the Microsoft manual? Who does? Just looking at the pages makes me scream. And even when you go to Youtube they go so fast you have to pause it every two seconds to write that shit down. I have endless sheets of paper in a drawer filled with step-by-step instructions on how to do computer problems. Why? Why can’t computers do these things by themselves? The last time I lost my internet connection I got all excited when I discovered this thing on my computer that told me it would run a diagnostic of my system and troubleshoot it. Wow, that sounded great. When I went there and ran it it said “you have lost your internet connection.”

They say that computers can do everything, but they still haven’t given us a computer that can fix itself or even do something as simple as letting us plug it into a router without having to go through an eleven step process to get the damn thing to work. What pisses me off is that I know they could do this. I can’t even get my two wifi extenders to work. By some miracle I did get them to work for a while but one day they both just shut off and I haven’t been able to get them running since. I can’t get past the step where I’m asked for a password. It says I’m supposed to use the one on the back of the router. Well, what it says on the back of the router is “password: (leave the field blank)”. Except when I am asked for the password it won’t let me leave the field blank. Instead it says “your password is not long enough.” Then I’m told to go to my wifi icon on my taskbar to find out what the password is. But I don’t have a wifi icon on my taskbar. So I go online and find that there are pages on how to find and/or replace the wifi icon on my taskbar, and after going through all five of the different methods of finding and replacing that icon on the taskbar without success I learn that there is no way I’m gonna get that icon to appear on the taskbar because the Windows 10 system that came with my computer doesn’t come with a wifi icon on the taskbar; Microsoft removed that file in the latest version of Windows 10. I learn that I have to buy Windows 10 Pro to get that stupid wifi icon. Are you shitting me?

I finally did find an obscure site that explained a convoluted way to find out what your router and extender passwords were. You have to start with your command prompt to get there…but that didn’t help…surprise, those passwords there didn’t work either. And don’t even ask me how to go back there and look at those passwords again. It took me an hour to figure out how to get to my command prompt from my start menu. Hint: don’t left click like you’re used to doing. When you left click on the Start menu you are presented with a long and very impressive list of places to go, all in alphabetical order, and you would think that the “Command” prompt would be there under the “c” column. But no, there is nothing that says “Command Prompt”. No, you have to right click instead. You’ll find another list of places to go there. But even then there is nothing that says “Command Prompt.” You have to click on “run” for the command prompt to come up. There is a lot of shit you can do through the command prompt but nobody is going to tell you what the secret codes are that will allow you to do those things. It used to be easy to get to the command prompt. All you had to do was click on the “Start” button. But now they’ve decided to make this an hour-long quest to find it. I have all this shit written down on endless sheets of paper in that drawer. Truth be told this electronic world makes me tear my hair out. I hate it with a passion. What pisses me off even more is that I also love it…when it’s working.

I can’t even get my computer to recognize my own email address. I bought a new Dell desktop three years ago and still get a daily message saying that I need to fix a problem with my Microsoft account. So I periodically go through the process and change my password but no matter what I do I still get that stupid message. I even had Microsoft tech reps guide me through the process three times now yet I still get that same old message. And every time I try to access my Microsoft account I’m told “that email address is already used by a different account.” I deleted all my accounts and started over but the message still comes up…the problem remains. I’ve explained all this to those tech reps but nothing keeps that message from coming up. I even signed up for a different email address but that didn’t fix the problem either and now I have an extra “Outlook” email address that I never use and wouldn’t know where it is if I did want to use it. I think the problem started when I bought a new Dell laptop. I had to sign up for a Microsoft account then. But I didn’t care for the laptop and sent it back two days later and ordered the desktop…and now Microsoft still thinks that whoever owns that laptop has the rights to my email address and not me. I explained all this to those Microsoft tech reps but that didn’t solve anything either. Yeah, this stuff bothers me. I’m the kind of guy who doesn’t like loose ends. I like things to be neat and tidy and feel like everything is in its place. But this computer stuff feels all scattered and disconnected and just fucked up. I know it’s working on my mind even when I’m not struggling with it.

In order to fix my Netflix buffering problem (and my wife’s need to have internet access for her work-at-home job) I bought a new router. I’ve had the same old cheap router for 6 years so I figure its time for a new one. I did just buy a 40 ft ethernet cable that I plugged into the back of the router and ran it along the ceiling down the hall and into the back of the tv in the living room, but we’re still having problems with “Home not available” still coming up at times. I actually bought a new router last year; an Archer A7. But I was never able to get it to work so I had to send it back, thinking it must have been defective. I realize now that it probably worked just fine and that the problem was me…that I couldn’t figure out how to get it to work. Then I had a helluva time trying to get the old one up and running again. Did you ever feel that your brain was on fire and ready to burst? That was how I felt after struggling with those two routers for 3 days. So my new router came last week and it turns out it’s the same model; the same one I tried to set up and sent back last year. I thought it was a different one because it was called a Tp-link, but its actually an Archer A7 too. On the box it says it’s a AC 1900 and on the instruction sheet it also says it’s a MU-MIMO Wi-Fi Router, so just figuring out what these things are called is a science in itself. So now I’m frightened to death to even try to set it up. The first thing the instructions say is “if this” and “if that”…as if I know the answers to these ifs. There is also a long list of FAQs in case you have problems and need help. That scares the shit out of me, too, cause I know I’m gonna need help…and lots of it. Then it gives me three different methods of setting the thing up, all of them quite convoluted and requiring me to access various internet sites, SSIDs and wireless passwords. Then I have to go to a number url: 192.188.1.1 and I remember that this is where I had to go to get my extenders to work but I was never able to get those urls to come up. Then I found out that they only come up if you use Google Chrome, and of course there is nothing in the instructions that tells you you can only use Google Chrome. No, you have to find that out on your own too. So now I have to change my browser and come up with another password so I can access Google Chrome. I am so afraid that I will not be able to complete these steps correctly and that I will then have to struggle another two days to get my old router to work again that the new router is still sitting on a shelf two weeks later. I’m thinking that I should go to Best Buy and have the Geek Squad come and set up my router but I know I’ll have to listen to them explain their convoluted tech plan that will ask me to decide whether to get a one visit deal or buy a year subscription…and I know one visit will not fix all my loose ends. And it makes me wonder if that is the reason why computers intentionally aren’t made to fix things.

Oh, by the way, I’m sitting here writing all this down with my Microsoft Word, and now I find that I am unable to save what I’ve written because I don’t have a subscription to Word any more. I guess my free time is over. God, don’t you love it? You can’t even buy a computer with a simple word processor in it without having to pay a yearly fee to use it. Next thing you know somebody will figure out how to put a chip under your skin that measures how many breaths you take so they can charge you for the air you breathe.

Dear Lord, if reincarnation is real please let me go to a world that is either before computers or way beyond computers. Or better yet, where computers and routers and extenders actually use a computer so they can work together.

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loquaciousquark · 6 years ago

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Hey, all, I’m probably not going to be around much for a few months aside from queues & TM posts.

Work stress has taken over my life in a way it never has before. A very long story short, my closest coworker (both friend-wise and workload-wise) took another job that began at the end of April. While she knew from November she was going to take this job, she did not inform administration until the very final contractual required moment of 30 days out. This means there has been no chance for admin to be looking for long-term qualified candidates to replace her position, since to get hired on at the school even on a temporary faculty basis takes about six-eight weeks.

(She told me about this job in November, but made me promise at the time not to tell anyone because she was going to tell them soon. Then, as schedules were being planned out for this summer and her time was being allotted under the assumption she would be there, she deliberately said nothing and made me answer the emails so she wouldn’t be “lying.” I have known this hell has been coming for me for five months and haven’t been able to do anything about it because I gave her my word.)

In addition, while not her fault, three other administrative support employees and two other faculty members have left/will be leaving in less than a month as well. One employee’s family member died unexpectedly, one employee was grossly incompetent (although I can’t remember the last time we actually fired someone for that), and the other faculty members are leaving for really good jobs elsewhere. Just very unfortunate timing that means we are all spread excruciatingly thin for now.

This all comes at a time where I am actively beginning that Service Director position for the primary care clinic on top of everything else. This position, while I think a great fit for me, what else I teach in the school, and how I plan/organize/relate to the students, has come at a terrible time because it in and of itself is a massive amount of work, especially getting it off the ground. If I’m going to implement all these new policies and changes I’ve been dreaming of for years, I need to do it at the beginning of my tenure--to try and keep everything going the way it has been and change later once everything calms down would be infinitely more work at that time & have a bunch more pushback from both the students and the faculty I now lead as part of this clinic, many of which have decades of seniority on me.

I’m doing the work of two-and-a-half full-time faculty right now. I do still really love this job, but right now I can’t handle it.

I’m grinding my teeth at night and clenching my jaw during the day. My dentist suddenly wants me to get a bite plate when before a few months ago, I’d never ground my teeth in my life. I’m getting excruciating stress/tension headaches almost every other day from how tight every muscle of my face and neck is. I’ve gained over ten pounds in the last two months from eating like crap because anything that requires more than two steps of prep is mentally, physically, and emotionally impossible, which has the added effect of making me want to cry every time I look in a mirror and see my stomach so far away from my mental “normal,” because I was already seven pounds or so more than I wanted to be. I’m only getting three or four hours of sleep a night despite melatonin because my mind is just reciting checklist after checklist of things I need to do to keep all my sudden responsibilities on track.

I saw my psychiatrist today (which in and of itself was overwhelming--I thought until I was leaving for the appointment that today was my annual physical, and it wasn’t until I was checking the auto-filled address that I realized it was in the wrong building for that. Turns out I’d independently scheduled both the psych follow-up & the physical within a few days of each other, and I’d missed the text appointment reminders for the physical because the psych ones were more recent. I have never straight up no-showed an appointment in my life before this.)

I only had about thirty minutes with her, but part of the problem is that I haven’t taken my meds regularly in over a month because even such a little thing was too difficult. I’m going to try to start back on that, but...

I told her it doesn’t feel like I’m trying to keep plates spinning in the air. It feels like I have them all under control at the moment, they’re just excruciatingly heavy. The only way I’ve been handling this sudden pressure of doing basically two and a half jobs with no margin for error in any of them is being ruthlessly, relentlessly organized. Which is fine, except that I can feel how that changes my personality when I have to go so hard and regimented, and I hate how it feels to have both no margin and no grace.

I had a student the other day email me about a flight she booked for a Memorial Day vacation at 6pm on a Friday, not thinking about how clinic does not always end on the dot at 5pm. We (both students and faculty) are required to stay until the patient’s exam is complete. Sometimes that’s at five. Sometimes that’s at 6:30. On rare occasions I’ve stayed until 9pm in clinical care because that’s what was needed at the time for that patient.

She wanted to get out of clinic with an excused absence. We require three weeks’ minimum notice because when a student leaves without coverage, we have to reschedule all the patients they were meant to see. Her schedule was fully booked, and I had to say no, because right now I have nothing left to try to find an alternative for her. I hate saying no to students, especially when it’s something I truly could help them solve with some investment on my part, but right now--I’m sorry, but I can’t. Why on earth did you schedule a flight for 6pm on a day you have clinic until 5, especially when the airport is a 20-minute drive from the school even without traffic? I can’t fix this for you, not right now. You have to show up to clinic or find your own coverage. I don’t care how you do it, but someone has to be there, and I don’t have anything left in me to help you figure out how to do it.

My mom listens to a guy who sometimes talks about how you have to have a margin in your life to manage your stress. A margin in your work helps you enjoy your leisure time; if you don’t have that margin, even scheduled play feels stressful because you have work playing through your head the whole time.

I’m out of margin. I’m ten feet over the line in every direction I’m so out of margin, and I am constantly being asked by students and other faculty, “How are you doing now that the person who you shared 90% of your work life with is gone? Who’s going to help take over [year-long highly-intensive Methods course] now that Dr. So-and-So is gone? Who’s going to help you teach it since we all know what a gigantic course it is and how it’s always required two people to run full-time, and now you’re down to one who’s also taken on a bunch of other responsibilities at the exact same time?”

and they’re laughing when they say it. and i’m laughing when i tell them the truth, which is “no one.” and we all laugh together and inside my head i am ripping apart under the pressure.

Even if they hire someone by August, it’s not going to mean any relief until September due to onboarding, and even then it won’t be what I really need. This woman I worked with and I had both taught this course together for years, and before that we’d both taken it as students. We knew how it ran inside and out. We knew what the responsibilities were. We had the workload divided evenly and didn’t have to consult over every decision that was made--it just got done. Even if they do hire someone at lightning speed, I still have to train them. I have to show them where the group drive is on the faculty intranet. I have to teach them how it’s organized. I have to show them how to upload quizzes and how to grade them and how to edit the Excel practical documents and the timeframe we expect the grades back and why our grading standards are the way they are and what to say to guest graders and guest lab instructors and show them where the file folders are kept and where the .docx’s are kept and the way things are sorted and how the tests are written and how to extensively edit a PDF file and give them the contact information for faculty IT support (which still ends up being me half the time) and the manual printer and the woman who orders office supplies and the woman who orders clinical equipment and the man who orders building maintenance supplies and when you go to one and not the other and how electronic testing works and how to grade it and how to upload a document with all the specific little requirements the program wants to make sure it imports correctly and how to deal with the errors this program will inevitably throw back because it’s niche software for a niche school and that means it’ll never be user friendly.

It took me almost two years to really feel comfortable being co-coursemaster for this course because it is so unbelievably massive. Even if they hire someone by August, I still won’t have a full-time coursemaster pulling their weight until 2021.

The other metaphor I used with my psychiatrist is that I’m holding on to a cliff’s edge with my fingertips. Right now, I’ve got a pretty decent grip, but that doesn’t change the fact that if you put another pound on my back it might pull me right off the rock.

I don’t see practical relief coming any time soon. “What can we do to help? We want you to know you are very supported right now. You let us know what you need.” What can you do? Hire someone tomorrow who already knows how our computer system works, who can troubleshoot their own IT, who can look at a list of tasks that need to happen to get this Methods course fully ready every single semester of every single year and do them without any handholding from me. Hire someone with as much attention to detail as I’ve had to have because it’s the right way to do the damn job. Hire someone I won’t have to clean up after because to them “the cart in the closet” is the same thing as “the specific place on the labeled closet shelf where the equipment belongs.”

I’m clenching my teeth so hard they’re hurting, so I guess I have to stop. If you see me in-game somewhere, believe me, it’s not because I’ve caught up. It’s because I haven’t and I can’t bear thinking about how much I still have to do.

#quark rambles #optometry /#kindly refrain from reblogging

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