#it should not matter when it comes to their value
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Just a Sense
This is my secret santa snippet I wrote for @chaoticgoodthief. Their Prompt was: "how about the joke villain going ballistic when someone hurts their designated hero?"
I really hope you like it!!!
"Alright, party's over," Hero's voice echoed through the empty halls of the museum.
Villain didn't bother turning around immediately, continuing to admire the painting they were looking at before casually turning to face their guest, "I'd have to disagree," They mused, hopping down from the ledge, "Now that you're here, the party can finally start,"
The Hero grinned, pulling their dagger out and twirling it between their fingers, "Alright, if you're looking for a dance partner-"
"Awe, come on!" The criminal interrupted, "We haven't even gotten to enjoy the museum yet!" they twirled with their arms out to gesture to everything around them, "We have the place to ourselves tonight! We can even go past the guard ropes, don't worry, I won't tell,"
The Hero raised an amused eyebrow, "You don't think I have better things to do?"
The Villain shot them a cheshire, all too knowing smile, "I think we both know you do, and we both know that's exactly why you're here in the first place,"
It was a distraction, for both of them. A game of cat and mouse that repeated like clockwork, comforting in its predictability. They were both safe here, in a weird way. They knew each other, knew the stakes, knew it wasn't actually a fight to the death, that no matter what, Villain would slip away at the end of the night, so they could do it all over again.
The Hero blushed, but rolled their eyes, failing to keep the slight smile off their face, "Sure, whatever helps you sleep at night,"
"Put that butter knife away; we both know you're not actually going to stab me with it,"
"Oh yeah? I do have an actual job to do here, you know?" The Hero countered, crossing their arms.
"Oh my god, are you two done flirting yet?" A new voice cut in mockingly, as a figure came out from behind one of the museum's pillar supports.
"Supervillain?!" both parties cried in unison.
Hero instinctively reached for their communicator, but Supervillain flicked a hand. The device shot out of Hero's grasp, shattering against the far wall.
"Now, now," Supervillain drawled, their voice cool and condescending, almost like disciplining a misbehaving child, "Calling for backup would ruin the whole point of me going through the effort of getting you alone, wouldn't it?"
"Supervillain, what are you doing here?" Villain asked, a cautious edge creeping into their usually carefree tone.
Supervillain glanced over to them, surprise flashing in their eyes, like they were shocked the Villain had even dared to speak to them.
"Leave." They commanded, "This doesn't concern you anymore," turning back toward the Hero, who was slowly backing away.
Villain saw the Hero glance at them, the fear, the silent plea for help in their eyes. They clenched their fists at their sides.
"Back off, I was here first,"
The Supervillain spun around at that, eyebrows fully raised, shock morphing into an almost... impressed expression.
"Oh, you're cute," they replied, lips curling into a smirk. "I don't believe we've met face to face, have we? Small fries don't usually cause much of a blip on my radar I'm afraid. But don't worry, tonight I'm actually doing you a favour,"
"A favour?" The Villain replied skeptically, narrowing their eyes.
"Well, I'm about to take this little nuisance behind us out of the way for you-"
Suddenly, the Hero behind them made a dash for it, but it was no use, as they were immediately flung backwards, crashing through a wall and an expensive painting along with it.
"Seriously, Hero? Running? You should know better by now."
"Get away from them!" Villain shot back, running toward the Hero who was struggling in the rubble.
"All right, your entertainment value has expired. I needed them without their backup, which they never need with you. You've served your purpose, now get out of my way," the Supervillain gestured at the Villain, as if to send them flying, but to their surprise, nothing happened, "what-"
Suddenly the Supervillain's world seemed to be spinning, running laps around their skull as they could no longer tell up from down. It was like vertigo from all directions at once. It was only then the horrifying realization hit them that their vision was fading.
"What the hell are you-!"
"Sensory manipulation," Villain said calmly, striding toward them, watching as the Supervillain came crashing down to the floor. "A little something I haven't had to use in a long time."
"You insolent little-!"
"Sense of sight, balance, motion... kind of hard to function when they suddenly get thrown into a blender huh? Proprioception really is a wonderful thing."
Supervillain was very quickly beginning to feel sick.
"Certain senses are more fun than others..." the Villain mused, crouching down next to them, "Nociception... the sense of pain... for example"
A gut-wrenching, blood-curdling, animalistic scream suddenly erupted from the Supervillain on the floor.
The pain only lasted for a second, but that was one second too long.
They were flailing, trying desperately to get away, to get a sense of anything. They couldn't tell where they were. Were they on the ground? Were they stuck to the ceiling? Were they floating in water? Even worse, they felt like they were losing a sense of not only where they were, but what and even who they were.
Supervillain didn't even realize they were shaking. They could feel panic flooding their system.
"Interoception is probably my favourite, though," Villain mused, their voice almost playful. "The sense of internal body states. Hunger, thirst.... panic... fear...." The Villain mused, tilting their head in thought, "How high do you think your heart rate can get before it gives out? Shall we find out?"
The Supervillain tried to speak, they really did, but it felt like the couldn't get enough oxygen into their lungs. They couldn't- hyperventilating- their body was-
It was like their body couldn't tell how fast their heart was already beating, yet it felt in desperate need to beat faster.
Then, like a sudden plunge into icy water, everything in their body seemed to balance. Their head was spinning, but they could see their vision beginning to come back. They could make out a blurry figure standing above them that was starting to move away.
"If I ever see you anywhere close to my hero again, I'll get the answer to my question," they warned as they went back over to the Hero in question.
There was a flash behind them, and the Supervillain vanished as they crouched down, "Are you okay?"
"What-.... what the hell was-..."
"Where does it hurt?" the Villain asked instead.
"Everywhere?" The hero huffed, dropping their head to the marble floor below.
The Villain closed their eyes for a moment, and suddenly, the hero could feel the pain melting away.
"Better?"
"How the hell did you-"
"Let's just say I always go easy on my favourite hero," they stood up, extending a hand down to the Hero, "Come on, I'll stop the heist if I get to take you out to dinner, on me,"
"Only if it comes with a side of explanations." The Hero rebuked.
"Deal,"
With that, the Villain helped the hero to their feet. They may have had a lot of explaining to do. But they also had a steak to order, and they had their priorities in order.
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If Someone Wants You in Their Life, They'll Make Room for You
If someone truly wants you in their life, they'll make room for you—no excuses, no hesitation, no hesitation in finding space for you. It's not about the time they have or the things they think are more important. If they really care, they'll prioritize you and find a way to fit you into their world. People often say they're too busy, too tired, or too caught up in their own lives, but the truth is, we always make room for the things and people that matter most. When it comes to love, connection, and meaningful relationships, it's not about having the perfect circumstances, it's about choosing to create the time and space for each other.
We all lead busy lives, filled with obligations, responsibilities, and ambitions. But there's something beautiful and powerful about making space for someone in your heart and in your daily existence. It's not a matter of convenience-it's a matter of intention. When someone values you, when they see your worth, they'll naturally make the effort to integrate you into their life, to show you that you matter to them, not as an afterthought but as an essential part of their journey. They'll create time for your conversations, make plans to spend time together, and move things around to ensure they stay connected to you.
If they want you in their life, they'll make room even when the world feels busy and chaotic. They'll find ways to include you in their day-to-day, even if it means shifting some priorities, because they recognize your importance. Relationships, whether romantic, familial, or friendships, are not meant to be an afterthought or something that fits into a leftover gap in someone's life. True love, friendship, and connection are built on the foundation of mutual respect, effort, and a willingness to make space, even when life doesn't seem to slow down.
It's so easy to get caught up in the idea that we are just one part of someone's busy world, but the reality is, the right people will always make room for you. They'll carve out moments in their day to check in, to see how you're doing, to show that you matter to them. They'll adjust their schedules to accommodate you because they understand that relationships are about sharing time, experiences, and a willingness to be there for each other, even when it's inconvenient.
It's important to remember that love is not something you should have to chase. If someone truly cares about you, they will find a way to make space for you, to keep you in their life despite everything else that may be going on. When someone truly wants to be with you, it's not just about words, but about actions. They will make time for you without question, because you won't be an inconvenience; you'll be a priority.
This doesn't mean that they'll always be perfect or that there won't be times when life pulls them in different directions. But even in those times, if someone truly values you, they'll let you know you're still important, they'll keep the lines of communication open, and they'll make sure to show you in their actions that they're committed to you.
They'll make room for you, and not just when it's easy, but when it matters most. You shouldn't have to fight for a place in someone's life. If they want you there, they'll make room for you without hesitation. Your presence won't feel like a burden or something to be squeezed in only when it's convenient. Instead, it will feel like a natural part of their world, something they cherish and protect.
So, remember: if they truly want you in their life, they'll make room for you. They'll show you through their actions, their effort, and their dedication that you are not just another obligation but someone they genuinely care for and are willing to make space for. The right people will never make you feel like you're an option—they'll show you that you are a priority. And when you find that, you'll know that you're with someone who truly values you.
Single soul❤️
#life quotes#lit#quoteoftheday#my words#motivation#positive thoughts#relationship#quote to live by#self worth#love#love poem#unknown#spilled ink#truth#viral#foryopage#to be loved is to be known#foryou#words#inspiring words#friends#positive quotes#everyone
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I have argued with many humans over whether or not the 'retcon' is genuine. The 'retcon' comes from Echoes of Eternity, book 7 in the Siege of Terra, as Magnus and Vulkan are fighting.
For some context, at the end of Fury of Magnus, Magnus fully ascends to daemonhood -- as we see him in the excerpts posted above, he is still in that strange fractured state he has been in since the Burning of Prospero. Not quite a daemon, but not fully mortal either.
Within Echoes of Eternity, we finally see him dueling Vulkan, and the passage of the 'retcon' is thus;
‘Here,’ said the Magnus of Now, watching the Magnus of Then. ‘Here is where I made my choice. You saw the Emperor make His final offer to me. You heard Him promise me a new Legion, if I would only forsake Horus and come back to you all. A matter of mere weeks ago, brother. Will you tell me you’ve forgotten it?’
Vulkan sighed. He seemed suddenly weary.
‘That is not what transpired here, Magnus. The last unstained shard of your soul burst into the Throne Room and begged to be saved. With a heavy heart, father refused you. That is what I saw. That is what happened.’
Magnus’ laughter was blunt, practically a derisive bark. ‘And you say I’m the one who has been deceived?’
Vulkan was too tired to rise to the bait. He met derision with solemnity.
‘This thing that runs through you, this chaotic force you proclaim as freedom, is not a disease to be caught on contact. It is the layer of emotion behind reality, a poison that has achieved near sentience. It makes its prey into willing victims in their own damnation. You are riven by it, Magnus. Hollowed out by it.
‘And it was already in your Legion, in your sons’ blood and genetic code, in the form of the Flesh Change. And when you dealt with the Pantheon, believing you had cured your children, all you really achieved was a deepening of the taint, hiding it from sight, delaying the inevitable. This thing, this force, cannot be cured, Magnus. You cannot pray it away once the rot sets in.
Once you are on the Path… your fate is sealed.’
‘Wait, Vulkan. Wait. How can this be? How do you know all of this?’
In the silence that reigned in the wake of those words, the Throne Room began to fade. Golden mist hazed its way around them, revealing patches of wraithbone architecture.
Vulkan was relentless, his voice growing firmer. ‘How could the Emperor ever trust you now? Why would He offer you a new Legion, let alone a place at His side? You dreamed up your own redemption, just to give yourself something to rage against. Because you need to feel as though you are the one choosing, not having the choices made for you. The creature that exalted you will never let you see the chains that bind you to its will.’
The mist was everywhere, thickening. Magnus felt the change upon him, and beneath the sensation of power was a pull, a wrenching, the sensation of a trillion filaments woven into the cells of his body, dragging at him.
‘How…?’ Magnus asked, barely above a breath. Where the mist touched him, his flesh was darkening, swelling. The shadows of ragged wings loomed above his shoulders. ‘How do you know all of this?’
Vulkan remained in place, saying nothing, doing nothing.
‘Who are you?’ demanded Magnus.
The world turned, and this time it wasn’t moved by Magnus’ will.
[Bolded emphasis mine]
This is after a chapter of Vulkan prying against Magnus's many justifications for leaving the Imperium, all the while destroying Vulkan time and time and time again. Vulkan does make a great many points in this scene, one of which I will depict below:
Vulkan didn’t need to stare at the orbital bombardment. He’d read the reports, he’d seen the picts and the footage and spoken to many of the Custodians that took part in the ground assault. Nothing unfolding here was a revelation he wished to experience twice.
‘Russ was lied to by Horus, deceived into attacking.’
‘I know. It changes nothing.’
‘But it should. You, who value truth so highly, willingly align yourself with the one that engineered Prospero’s death. And when the Space Wolves fleet arrived in your sky, what did you do, Magnus? Did you try to enlighten Russ? Did you use your power to prevent the assault? Or did your belief in your own persecution leave you assuming the worst of the Emperor’s intentions? All witness accounts say you languished in your tower, welcoming the destruction as your penance, until you decided to fight in the final hours, when it was far too late to stop the massacre.’
Vulkan gestured to the destruction raining from the upper atmosphere: lance strikes, drop pods, the slower trails of gunships making their descent. ‘Why would the Emperor order you and your entire Legion dead? Did you not stop to wonder at the scale of this misunderstanding?’
Magnus laughed at the questions, the sound wet and bitter. He gestured away from the burning city, and the world turned, falling away.
They were in the webway again, but no longer upon the lost bridge. They drifted through the oval tunnels, following angles that hurt the human eye. Always ahead of them, an avatar of fire blazed through the tunnels, shattering the wraithbone membranes without heed, blind and deaf to the horde of daemons surging into the webway in its wake.
‘I did this,’ said Magnus. ‘I thought He wished to punish me for ruining His Great Work.’ For a moment, Magnus paused, gazing at the host of Neverborn darkening the tunnels, as if seeing them for the first time.
‘But how was I to know? He refused to tell me of His grand plan. If He had told me…’
Vulkan resisted the urge to spit at the sudden foul taste on his tongue. ‘Again, you see the worst in all others, absolving yourself of blame. Why did you need to know of the Great Work? You were warned not to toy with the warp. We all were. But you couldn’t resist. You believed that you knew more, that you knew best. And why is it that you alone lament being kept unapprised of father’s plans? Why is Sanguinius not enraged that he never knew of the Webway Project? Why am I not enraged that I was kept ignorant of it? Why did you need to know?’
[. . .]
‘Had I known the truth, I would never have… done what I did. Father should have told me.’
Vulkan laughed, unable to believe what he was hearing. ‘How could father have predicted you would defy His one command? Not only did you use the warp against His orders, you fuelled your psychic warning with human sacrifice. How could any of us have known you were capable of such barbarity?’
[. . .]
‘I had to warn Him,’ said Magnus, watching the scene.
‘No,’ Vulkan said gently. ‘You believed you had to warn Him. You believed as you always believe – that you knew best, that you had to act, that you alone knew what had to be done. And never once did you think, through all this destruction, that there was something deceiving you.’
The sorcerer glared at him. ‘Why do you speak to me as if I were a lowly pawn in this game of regicide? The Warmaster and the Emperor both know I am the most valuable piece on the board.’
Vulkan was unmoved by the sorcerer’s words, and by the cataclysm playing out before him. His tone was patient, as it had been in the days before the war.
‘Vanity is what leads you, Magnus. You choke on arrogance, unable to see you are the architect of your own downfall. All the others, all of Horus’ broken monsters, at least they can see the bars of their cages. Even Horus, driven out of his mind to serve as a hive for the Pantheon, knows in his soul’s core that he has lost control. You are the only one that still believes he is free.’
So there you have it. Did the ending of Fury of Magnus happen? Questionable. I have argued for and against it a great many times. I personally believe it did, in some degree, but that is me.
(◔_◔) "Magnus was selfish, he could have sat on the golden throne and rule humanity!"
The wonderful fate set by the emperor in question:
free png for reaction image purpose:
#the hermit awakens#echoes of eternity textwalling part ???#edited tags; if you would like access to the books#feel free to message me#i have ways#edit 2; typo'd book 7. brain.
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@jessaerys ok shit this took a while but WHATEVER. wammy's lore collection here we go :3c less analysis this time, this is mostly just to archive the main known details we have in canon about the house, and also the people from there more generally. however much you wanna accept all this/take it at face value is up to You, Dear Reader (and tbh y'all should just read all these if ur curious since they're all pretty short + have Interesting narrators. i'll include links to free versions). do whatever you want forever etc. etc. also, SPOILERS. obviously.
LABB: (listen here)
no this book isn't written by ohba. yes i'm including it. shush. anyways, most of the lore in this comes from mello's vague comments about beyond's backstory, but there's a Lot of interesting things established in this, so. here's a bunch of notable quotes. if you're not already familiar, please keep in mind that the narrator of this novel is mello, writing at some point shortly before his death.
"L. The century's greatest detective. In light of his staggering mental abilities, L died an unjust and untimely death. In the public record alone he solved over 3,500 difficult crimes, and sent three times that number of degenerates to prison. He wielded incredible power, was able to mobilize every investigative bureau in the entire world, and was applauded generously for his efforts. And during it all, he never showed his face." (pg. 10)
"So, what you're reading now are my notes about L. It's a dying message, not from me, and not directed at the world. The person who will most likely read this first will probably be that big-headed twit Near. But if that's the case, I will not tell him to shred or burn these pages. If it causes him pain to discover that I knew things about L that he did not, then that's fine." (pg. 10-11)
"I am one of the few people who ever met L as L. When and how I met him...this is the single most valuable memory I have, and I will not write it here, but on that occasion L related to me three stories of his exploits, and the episode involving Beyond Birthday was one of these." (pg. 11)
"Obviously, it never came to light that L--and more importantly, Wammy's House, which raised me until I was fifteen--was deeply connected to the matter, but in fact, they were. L, on principle, never got involved in a case unless there were more than ten victims or a million dollars at stake, and this is the real reason why he belatedly, but aggressively, involved himself in this little case, which only ever had three or four victims. I will explain further in the pages that follow, but for this reason, the case of the Los Angeles BB murders is a watershed event for L, for me, and even for Kira. It was a monumental event for all of us. Why? Because this is the case where L first introduced himself as Ryuzaki." (pg. 11)
"For any one else but those two [Near and Kira], my identity may be of no interest, but I am the old world's runner-up, the best dresser that died like a dog, Mihael Keehl. I once called myself Mello and was addressed by that name, but that was a long time ago. Good memories and nightmares." (pg. 12)
"She [Naomi Misora] briefly considered the idea that Raye Penber, or someone else, was playing a practical joke on her, but she found it hard to believe that anyone would be so bold to sign their name as such. L never revealed himself in public or in private, but Misora had heard several horror stories about what happened to detectives who tried passing themselves off as L. It was safe to say that no one would dare use his name, even in jest." (pg. 18)
"This was L, so he was undoubtedly solving several other difficult cases all at once. Cases all over the world. For him, this case was just one of many parallel investigations. How else could he maintain his reputation as the world's greatest detective? The century's greatest detective, L. The detective with no clients." (pg. 35)
"L had earned a certain degree of hostility from other detectives, and the jealous ones called him a hermit detective, or a computer detective, but neither of these is a particularly accurate representation of the truth. Naomi Misora had also tended to think of L as an armchair detective, but in fact, L was quite the opposite, a very active, aggressive individual. [swoon.] While he had absolutely no interest in social connections, he was certainly not the kind of detective to shut himself up in a dark room with the shades drawn and refuse to come out. It is now common knowledge that the three great post war detectives, L, Eraldo Coil and Danuve were all actually the same person. Certainly, anyone reading these notes is almost certain to know...though they may not know that L engaged in a war with the real Eraldo Coil, and the real Danuve, and emerged victorious, claiming their detective codes. The details of this detective war I will save for another occasion, but in addition to those three names, L possessed many other detective codes. I have no idea how many, but there were at least three digits' worth. And quite a number of those were fairly public detectives--just like, as anyone reading these notes must know, he appeared before Kira, calling himself Ryuzaki or Ryuga Hideki. Of course, Naomi Misora had no way of knowing this, but in my opinion, the name L was, for him, just one of many. He never had any direct connection to that identity, he never thought of himself as L--it was just the most famous and most powerful of the many detective codes he used during his life. The name had its uses, but lacked obscurity. L had a real name that nobody knew, and nobody will ever know, but a name which only he knew never defined him. I sometimes wonder if L himself ever knew exactly which name was written in the Death Note, which name it was that killed him. I wonder." (pg. 43-44)
"If we must discuss why L so adamantly refused to reveal himself, we can explain it very simply: doing so was dangerous. Very dangerous. While the world leaders should make efforts to ensure the safety of all the finest minds, not only for detectives, the fact is that the current societal systems do not allow for this, and L believed he had no choice but to protect his mind under his own power. By simple arithmetic, L's ability in 2002 was the equivalent of five ordinary investigative bureaus, and seven intelligence agencies (and by the time he faced off against Kira, those numbers had leapt upward several more notches). This is easy to think of as a reason to respect and admire someone, but let me say this as clearly as possible: that much ability in one human is extremely dangerous. Modern danger management techniques rely heavily on defusing risk, but his very existence was the exact opposite. In other words, if someone was planning to commit a crime, they would greatly increase their chances of getting away with it by simply killing L before they began. That was why L hid his identity. Not because he was shy, or because he never left the house. To ensure his own safety. For a detective of L's ability, self-preservation and the preservation of world peace were one and the same, and it would not be correct to describe his actions as cowardly or self-centered." (pg. 69 nice)
"So whenever L was working, he would usually have someone else as his public face--and in this particular case, the FBI agent Naomi Misora was filling that role." (pg. 70)
"Beyond Birthday had the eyes of a shinigami congenitally. It was not particularly difficult for him to track down people with the initials B.B. or find people who were fated to die on a certain day at a certain time." (pg. 94)
"Normally contact with a shinigami was a prerequisite for acquisition, but Beyond Birthday had traded nothing--he had seen through those eyes since before he could remember. He knew your name before you said it. He knew the time of death of every person he met." (pg. 94)
"You might think [the eyes] would hardly be useful without a Death Note, but that is simply not the case. The ability to see someone's remaining life is the ability to see death. Death, death, death. Beyond Birthday lived his life unceasingly reminded that all humans would eventually die. From the time he was born he knew the day his father would be attacked by a thug and die, knew the day his mother would die in a train crash. He had these eyes before he was born, which is why he called himself Beyond Birthday. Which is why a child as strange as he was taken in by our home, sweet home--Wammy's House. He was B. The second child in Wammy's House." (pg. 94-95)
"The competition between L and B. L and B's puzzle. 'If L's a genius, then B's an extreme genius. If L's a freak, then B's an extreme freak. Now it's time to get ready. There are things I must do before B can surpass L. Henh henh henh henh.' This thought was the only thing that made him laugh without needing to think about it. And those that know will recognize the laugh of the shinigami. Still grinning to himself, he faced the mirror, brushed his hair, and began applying his makeup. The reflection of himself in the mirror. Himself. As always, he could not see his own time of death. No more than he could see the death of the world." (pg. 96)
"We were raised at Wammy's House in England, in Winchester, as L's successors, as L's alternatives, but that does not mean we knew anything more about L than anyone else. Including myself, only a few of us ever met L as L, and even I knew nothing about L before he met Watari--Quillish Wammy, the genius inventor who founded Wammy's House. Nobody knows what's going on in L's head. But even so, I know how Watari felt. Looking at L's incredible talents from the perspective of an inventor--of course he wanted to make a copy, of course he wanted to create a backup. Anyone would feel the same. As I have already explained, L never appeared in public. L knew that his own death would increase the crime rate all over the world by a few dozen percentage points. But what if they could copy him? What if they could make a backup? That was us. L's children, gathered from all corners of the world.
"But even for a genius like Watari, creating a fake L was easier said than done. Even for Near and I, who were said to be the closest to L...the more we tried to be like him, the closer we got, the father away he was, like chasing a mirage. So I hardly need to tell you what it was like when Wammy's House was first founded, when he was still experimenting. The first child, A, was unable to handle the pressure of living up to L and took his own life, and the second child, Beyond Birthday, was brilliant and deviant. B stood for Backup.
"But B tried to surpass L, not become him...no, that might not be right. I have no way of knowing the inner workings of his mind. He...their generation was not like the fourth generation, with Near and I, all the children bound only to the code with the serial L. They were prototypes, never even given the L code, expected to fail. I prefer to refrain from idle speculation based on my own experiences, but, well, Beyond Birthday may have thought something like this: As long as there was L, B would never be L. As long as the original existed, the copy was always a copy." (pg. 104-105)
"The Los Angeles BB Murder Cases. L.A.B.B.--L is After Beyond Birthday. This reading is why I think this name is so much closer to the killer's intentions than the Wara Ningyo Murders, or the Los Angeles Serial Locked Room Killings. I wasn't talking about the names on a purely stylistic basis. Whether Beyond Birthday had put that much thought into it I have no idea, but if he had a specific reason for choosing to commit his murders in L.A., then that is probably why. I am sure he had a much more personal obsession with L as an individual than Near or I ever did. I can understand why someone would become a criminal in order to fight against a detective, which is why I can write something like this, but even so. What did he hope to accomplish by killing unrelated people? Or perhaps B simply wanted to meet L. Then he could use the eyes of the shinigami he'd been born with and see L's real name, see when L would die. He would be able to figure out who L was. Beyond Birthday had never told anyone that he had the eyes of a shinigami, and it would not surprise me at all if he believed himself to be some kind of shinigami." (pg. 105-106)
"Beyond Birthday challenged L. And L accepted the challenge. To put it bluntly, the Los Angeles BB Murder Cases were nothing but an internal struggle, a civil war within our home, sweet home-- Wammy's House. Unfortunate for the victims that got mixed up in it, but even if Beyond Birthday had not killed them, all those victims were fated to die that day, at that time, for some other reason, so logically and morally, their deaths were unavoidable. So in the strictest sense of the word, the only one who really got mixed up in their war was Naomi Misora." (pg. 106)
"L was said to never move on a case unless there were more than ten victims or a million dollars at stake. The only exceptions to this were cases at difficulty level L (extremely fitting), or when L had personal reasons compelling him to get involved. The Los Angeles BB Murders were both of these. I hardly need to point out the difficulty by this stage of the story, and L was essentially fighting his own dead copy. [harsh, dude.] The current head of Wammy's House had told Quillish Wammy/Watari, who had told L about B's disappearance in May, and ever since L had been looking for him even as he solved other cases. Wammy's House only knew him as B--they did not know his real name, Beyond Birthday, so this search was near impossible, but L knew who the killer was. He had not been looking for a killer so much as he was looking for a case. L had been waiting, expecting Beyond Birthday to do something to challenge him. L could move any policeman in the world, but in this case, he could not ask anyone for help except Naomi Misora...more than likely, for this reason. I don't think L really put that much stock in honor, but everyone is embarrassed by their own sins, and nobody wants those missteps to become public knowledge. L was the goal of everyone in Wammy's House. Every one of us wanted to surpass him. To step over him. To step on him. M did, N did, and B did. M as a challenger, N as a successor. B as a criminal." (pg. 116-117)
"No matter what she did, she had no way of knowing. That this killer, Beyond Birthday, could tell someone's name and time of death just by looking at their face, that he had been born with the eyes of a shinigami--she had no way of knowing that fake names were useless with him, completely and utterly pointless. How could she have known? Even Beyond Birthday himself could not explain how he had been born with the eyes of the shinigami, how he could use them with no payment, with no arrangement. Neither Misora nor L knew why, and, obviously, neither do I. The closest thing to an explanation I can offer is that there are shinigami stupid enough to drop their notebooks in our world, so there might well be shinigami stupid enough to drop their eyes." (pg. 193-140)
"'So, Naomi Misora...' said L, wrapping up. But Misora hastily stammered, 'Um, er, L...' but then she hesitated, not sure if she should ask this or not. 'You...know the killer, right?' 'Yes, as I said. He is B.' 'I don't mean like that...I mean, he's someone you know personally?' On the 16th, L had said that he had known the killer was B, and she had sort of known ever since, but two days before, L had said something that changed her guess to conviction. Whatever you do, please catch the killer. The century's greatest detective, L, would never say that about some ordinary indiscriminate serial killer. And the way his letter was just one letter long... 'Yes,' the synthetic voice agreed." (pg. 144-145)
"'I have nothing to do with him,' L said. 'To be completely accurate, I do not even know B. He is simply someone I am aware of. But none of this affects my judgement. Certainly, I was interested in this case, and began to investigate it because I knew who the killer was. But that did not alter the way I investigated it, or the manner in which my investigation proceeded. Naomi Misora, I cannot overlook evil. I cannot forgive it. It does not matter if I know the person who commits evil or not. I am only interested in justice.'" (pg. 145)
"My great and respected predecessor, the man whose actions were a strong influence on me personally, B, B.B., Beyond Birthday--obviously, I need hardly explain again that the murders themselves were not his purpose. So what was he doing? Again, I hardly need to explain--he was challenging the man he copied, the century's greatest detective L. A matter of winning or losing. A contest." (pg. 159)
"Since L could solve every case no matter how challenging, if he created a case so difficult that L as unable to solve it, B would have defeated L." (pg. 159)
"He knew that the moment he took action Wammy's House and Watari would alert L, so he did not even bother trying to stop them. He could only guess at which stage of his plan L would start to come after him, so he prepared things carefully, ready for L's entrance at any point." (pg. 159)
"B approached Naomi Misora, calling himself Rue Ryuzaki. Rue Ryuzaki--L.L. For anyone from Wammy's House, there could be no higher goal than identifying yourself with that letter--and Beyond Birthday seized this case as his chance. even Naomi Misora knew what had happened to detectives falsely identifying themselves as L, and B was from Wammy's House, so he knew this better than anyone--so this choice suggests the strength of his decision. He never once intended to survive--had had made up his mind. He was ready." (pg. 160) [trans. note: the name "Rue" in Japanese, ルエ (ru-e), is an anagram of エル (e-ru), which is how L is pronounced.]
"Naturally, his face and fingerprints would burn as well--he had always disguised himself with heavy makeup while he was with Misora, and he never left a picture behind, so even if someone directly affiliated with Wammy's House inspected the body, they would have no idea that Rue Ryuzaki/Beyond Birthday was B from Wammy's House. He had left nothing to connect Beyond Birthday to B." (pg. 162)
"B was presenting the Los Angeles BB Murder Cases to L as a case that could never be solved. That L could never solve. In other words, he had never prepared any clear solution to it--since the killer had committed suicide, disguised as the fourth victim, there was no longer a killer to catch, and no clues left to catch him with." (pg. 163)
"My poor, poor predecessor. Not only was he utterly and completely defeated, but he survived, driving home his embarrassment...he must have longed for death. Accept my condolences, B." (pg. 169-170)
"If I had space left over I had intended to carry right on into the other two stories I heard from L: the story of the detective war between the three greatest detectives, all solving that infamous bio-terror case, with guest appearances by the last of the alphabet, the first X to the first Z from Wammy's House; and the story of how the world's greatest inventor, Quillish Wammy, aka Watari, had first met L, then about eight year's old--the case that gave birth to the century's greatest detective, the Winchester Mad Bombings that occurred just after the third World War. But however objectively I look at things, I do not have the space or the time. Oh well." (pg. 170)
"She had spoken to L only once after the killer was arrested. He thanked her for helping to solve the case, and told her just a little about the background of the case. That B had been a candidate to succeed L, and that the pressure of that had driven him off track." (pg. 171)
"And a few years after his arrest, on January 21st, 2004, serving a life sentence in a California prison, Beyond Birthday died of a mysterious heart attack." (pg. 173)
C-KIRA: (read here)
near grief :pensive: pretty sure this was animated in the anime movie thing?? tbh i still need to watch that. Very interesting as some of the most recent post-main story lore we get about wammy's imo. less quotes now + more summarizing since these are just comics
near has apparently only "talked" to L once (in quotes since he didn't actually say anything, just sat in the back of the room doing a puzzle the entire time. real asf girl)
during this "conversation," roger or one of the orphanage heads set up the usual L screen + a camera/mic so that L could see all the kids and answer their questions.
notably, mello & near didn't ask any questions, just lurked in the back watching L with a "nasty look in [their] eyes," which near assumes is what made him pick them to be his top successors, considering the fact that he didn't actually look at any of their data. (somewhat seems to imply that L didn't actually give a shit about grades or anything like that when picking his main successors?)
while answering questions, near is caught off guard by one of L's answers. to transcribe it all directly here--
NEAR (NARRATING): At the time, I didn't think L would put it so bluntly. L: It's not a sense of justice. L: Figuring out difficult cases is my hobby. If you measured good and evil deeds by current laws, I would be responsible for many crimes. L: The same way you all like to solve mysteries and riddles, or clear video games more quickly... For me too, its simply prolonging something I enjoy doing. L: That's why I only take on cases that pique my interest. It's not justice at all. And if it means being able to clear a case, I don't play fair, I'm a dishonest, cheating human being, who hates losing...
not quite the monster speech, but fascinating all the same. near seems to imply that this answer sent some kids into a despair spiral, but it actually caused him to like L more and more, feeling that he was, "exactly the kind of person who wanted to achieve his own goals." kinda goes against the HTR13 ohba comment? shrug
The Wammy's House/L's One Day: (read here)
honestly i interpret these comics as like. canon crack fic. but anyways, here's the established L lore included in these two.
L was taken into wammy's as a nameless orphan at an unknown but likely quite young age
very soon after arriving he beats up all the other kids he meets--
he is "utterly incompatible," with all the other kids and monopolizes all the things he likes simply cause he's stronger than them and presumably could fight them for it-- naturally, he ends up usually just playing by himself
notably, this all establishes that L isn't the first kid at wammy's, that there was already at least one generation of older kids living there before he got there (and could eventually turn it into an L successor creating machine)
once watari realizes that L has some outstanding mental abilities, he gives him his own private room and a computer. afterwards, L spends most of his time sitting in front of the puter by himself
L requests that watari buy 1 million pounds with Japanese yen and tells him which stocks to buy, causing his assets to reach "almost 20,000 times the original amount," in two years. visually this is depicted as happening when L is still quite young
several years later, L stumbles across a serial murder case in the news, which is the first he solves, starting his new career path
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L can stay awake for 100+ hours and then gets over it by sleeping for like 17 hours. pictures also may imply that he doesn't actually sleep in a bed, but just lies down sideways in his chair. RIP yotsuba light's perfectly designed sleep schedule
L also shits/pisses in the same position he usually sits in (frog-pose), facing the tank south park style
he is a big fan of cleanliness!! human washing machine etc. etc. honestly i think this is just another way for him to hold that same crouched position
text says he always has, "ten or so identical sets of clothes prepared for him," since he's picky about it, but the art itself shows way more than ten. also rare shirtless L moment?? (watari helps)
L does in fact go outside!! he likes roller coasters/theme parks, swinging, art galleries, live music, etc. though most of the time he just sits in his room thinking thru shit n solving cases.
#death note#astronaut rambles#wammy's house#l lawliet#quillish wammy#mello death note#near death note#if my piracy links don't work don't come at me#you can google this shit real easy#probably shoulda included HTR13 too but that's more theoretical/controversial and also. i don't have my copy w/ me rn so.#fuck it#anyways. here is my end of year message to read/listen to LABB please god it's so fucking goooooooooood#mihael keehl#nate river#lotsa stuff i always forget in LABB glad i went thru that again#like beyond dying weeks after naomi i always thought his death was like. right at the start of KIRA. but no. sigh#also mello & near being like fourth generation wammy's?? wild#i'm kinda interpreting the generations thing as however many times they go through the alphabet now tbh#like there were three other N's before Near etc.#hmm. anyways
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omg I almost forgot to mention! do you mind if you could to mouthwashing headcanons where they’re jealous over reader ? Tysm
SELFISH 🌸 MW
Jimmy is obviously at the top of this list. He is a narcissistic lover who sways between seeing you as the only one worthy to stand by his side as a near equal or a lowly bitch who's his god given right. Because of this he's easy to make defensive, and when Jimmy gets defensive he gets offensive. Jimmy will take it out on everybody: you, the perpetrator, and himself. It's an overall miserable experience for all parties involved. You'll be expected to make it up to him afterwards too, because one way or another it was your fault.
Curly can't help but to get jealous. You're the perfect partner and God does it piss him off and make him so, so sad to see that other people are realising that too. His jealousy fills him with the drive to compete for you, because you deserve someone who will compete, so his anger is never taken out on anybody but himself. He eagerly tries to show off the best version of himself to you without being too overwhelming, but there's only so much that he can do without giving away his big fat inappropriate crush.
Anya just feels so insecure watching you interact with other people. It doesn't matter how illogical it is, what matters is that she feels like shit. She's much better at dealing with it if you're in a relationship, but if you're not? God it's awful to watch you spend time with other people when you probably never think about her at all. Meanwhile she's biting her finger joints until the pink skin around them is bruised, trying to take her stress out on something other than her pen to avoid bursting another ink cartridge all over herself.
Swansea is more jealous of you than he is of other people, but he does get a bit gatekeepy about who deserves to be around you and who doesn't. You're a sweet, lovely person and you should only be surrounded by people who will nurture that. That's why he almost never interacts with you on purpose, but if he sees another asshole coming by to dampen your day then he's about to get real with them. Swansea is the king of standing a moderate distance away from you whilst warding off anybody he deems a weirdo.
Daisuke is certainly insecure but he could never take it out on you. He values your opinion of him far too much to risk making a scene, and he's really worried that he'll come off as controlling or douchey if he tries to pry you away from anyone. You can have your pick of anybody you want, and he's certain that everybody wants you. How could they not?! You're so awesome! He'll just have to stick by your side to make sure that no one is making any moves on you. No need to be mean to you about issues that are all his own. He has enough self confidence at least to think that you won't go for Swansea.
A/N: take care anon ᯓ★
#yandere x reader#yandere mouthwashing#yandere jimmy#yandere curly#yandere anya#yandere swansea#yandere daisuke
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Please learn that it is not possible to be racist towards white people, certainly not white billionaires. Racism in the US is inherently built on a historical precedence of slavery and discrimination against people of color and minorities, not the white majority. The fact that people seemingly lack such concern for these 5 lives is by no means because of racism, and I’m honestly appalled that you would think so.
Please learn that the definition of racism is treating a person a certain way [discriminating, prejudiced, antagonism] based on their race. The person who communicated with me in the Ask you're referring to was saying they wanted "yts" to drown. "Yt", a slang word which here means "white people" or "whities". They wanted people with a certain skin color, of a certain race, to drown. The lack of concern for them in people who are lacking concern because they are white is racism. Are you telling me that racism can only happen to people who are not of a race that causes their skin color to be pale, creamy in shade, or "white"? That it is not physically or mentally possible to discriminate against, be prejudiced against, or antagonize a specific race of people, because they're not a specific shade of brown in skin color? Isn't that discriminatory? You can be racist toward any race of people. That is the definition of racism. If it is a race and you are treating them a certain way because of their race, you are being racist. For you to behave as though human beings who have money and whose skin is pale don't count when it comes to racism is prejudiced and it is discrimination. White people are people. Black people are people. All human beings are people and all human beings should be treated like people. I'm honestly appalled that you don't know what racism is. I'm honestly appalled that you will only apply it conditionally, under circumstances that make you feel more comfortable.
#don't start with me. you can spin it all you want but at the end of the day people are people and their skin color should. not. matter.#it should not matter when it comes to their value#the people in that submarine could be hot pink with purple polka dots and their lives would still be of as much value as yours#bite me.#stop being such SHEEP#just because our culture is foaming at the mouth like that guy on ATLA over skin colors and minorities does not mean you have to join them#think mark think#asked#answered#racism#classism#titanic#titanic submersible#titanic submarine#ask doverstar#opinion piece#anon#anonymous#if we all just treated each other like PEOPLE at the end of the day guess what? guess WHAT? things could get BETTER#all lives matter#i d i o t i c behavior
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its so mindboggling that people can go “how can you say free palestine if you’re queer” as if the opinions a person has changes the validity of their life??? yall sound real similar to the people saying trans people are a danger to society
#like how can you seperate that#mass murder of a group based on something they habe zero control over is wrong full stop#stg though i see this So Much and it makes zero sense#yeah ok i dont like the values the far right holds but i dont think they should all die?#and like also completely disregards even the *possibility* that there are queer ppl in palestine?#So Interesting to me bc as soon as you can depersonalize ot suddenly you side with the oppressors#i just actually cant stop thinking abt this#like how can you say ‘trans rights’ and then turn around and ignore the bombing of hospitals#how can you say ‘equal rights’ for any marginalized community while not seeing this as a genocide#whats different?#genuinely what is different#yall literally sound like the transphobes trying to say most people regret transitioning when there’s overwhelming evidence this isnt true#like holy texts didnt matter when they were used against gay ppl but now you use it as justification for the mass slaughter of palestinians#obviously not to say the bible actually said any shit against gay people but like. yall fr#since when have we let people’s *interpretation* of holy texts validate murder#what is different#i know im prolly preaching to the choir and also im lowkey terrified of this reaching an audience that disagrees#bc i am not prepared to come up w evidence based arguments#i do not have time for that#rambles
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#one thing about Taylor Swift is that she fucking hates when the internet asks her to use her platform about something#when the tumblr users all begged Taylor to speak about blm??? guess who never used tumblr again#so yeah Taylor not posting her Madrid thanks on Twitter doesn’t surprise me at all because she clearly hates being told what to do with her#huge platform and I get it in terms of people begging for things they don’t deserve like rep tv but when it comes to stuff like this that#actually fucking matters and makes a big impact… idk maybe she should just bite the bullet because she’s losing trust with fans who she#used to have such a unique relationship with and now it feels like she doesn’t value what we have to say at all#anyway xx I hope this is coherent I struggle with posts like this but this is just how I’m feeling#very disappointed but not surprised… and just remember she did post about blm eventually… very curious to see if she gives in and posts#this time around
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anyway episodes that sam's psychic powers should have come back during. imagine him arguing with this 'i'm a real psychic' guy and then yanking his gun out his hand with his own powers. fully on accident but it happens.
now see there's some drama for him and dean! that would work! sam tried to hide his hallucinations but couldnt. but theoretically he could hide this. and he should! because his brother literally just went and killed a woman for being a little too on the monster side for his liking. for being so evil that she couldn't possibly change. and so if sam's powers came back now? sam's powers? that he has because he has demon blood? he would be so fucking sick with stress trying to hide that from dean.
because. you know. if dean's already jumping for a reason to 'deal with' sam because he's hallucinating, a thing he can't even control. then what else is sam supposed to assume will happen once dean knows about this?
#to clarify: i don't actually think dean would hurt sam. i think that the amy conflict is poorly written esp surrounding dean's responses#HOWEVER. taking it all at face value. sam would think that dean would kill him.#i mean. the voicemail still rattling in his head years later? the memory of being soulless and dean attacking him when he asked for help?#of course sam would think that. of course he would.#and all he did was use his powers to defend himself. to save someone's life. but they're evil. so he's evil. no matter the good he does.#the world has to be black and white for him to get along with his brother after all.#also bonus for me but i think the activation of his powers should come from him looking at the gun pointed at him#and then looking slightly behind that guy. at hallucifer. who is going 'sam. you know how to take care of this. come on.#this is child's play. squeeze the soul out of him. at least knock the gun away.' goading him. you know?#but its a familiar voice. and sam's looking death down the barrel. and lucifer is ordering him to use his powers.#so he does. so he does. and that makes it worse that lucifer tells him to. and that afterwards. lucifer probably praises him for it.#spn#sam winchester#dean winchester#psychic!sam
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#I get tired of people trying to explain what lens I should view the world through; what way I could think that would make everything better#forgive me but I don't care; I do what I do and I do what I can and you don't see the work I do under the hood#I don't want advice on self validation or whatever; I want... I want someone to hold a mirror up so I can actually see myself#by which I mean I want input on how I'm doing; if it's good enough; if it's worth anything; if anything I make is good#everyone things I'm nice; everyone has always thought I'm nice#but given nice leaves me profoundly isolated I don't think I care#not to mention in my opinion what nice in this instance means is that I'm capable of listening#it's mostly that I have manners rather than some quality about me#I'm well behaved and polite and can listen; and that's perceived as nice or even sweet#and it's not like I'm offended by people seeing me that way; but maybe you can get why... I can't do anything with that information#but if I'm doing enough... if I provide any value to the world... I might have heard that less times in my life than years I've lived#that's where I'm totally blind#people don't tend to offer any input; and also people don't tend to let me know what they're thinking#and I in fact am not a mind reader; I can often accurately infer things; but no of that means a thing till it's confirmed#and... well... hopefully no one reads the stupid shit I say and especially not the tags so this is safe and hidden#but truthfully people just like to hear that stuff they're doing is wanted and matters#and I do not#I don't know... gotta go do more cleaning cause I need to#and I have no idea if... I've got a reason for fighting so hard to clean; but I get very little input so... I expect... well...#and thankfully I don't think they read my tags so I can say this#but I really expect they won't take me up on my offer to come out here and get away from their parents; so there will be no pay off#not that I blame them in the slightest... it's just the only possible pay off for this cleaning would be helping someone I like out#and a scrap of company#but then again... in many ways anyone coming out to live with me is the worst thing they could probably do#sorry... I have a rather bleak outlook on many things surrounding myself purely cause of what I infer from the past#there is never pay off; only more shit I need to get done#I will never be loved; I will never be wanted; I will always just kinda be an afterthought that's occasionally worth venting to#no one will ever be particularly interested in anything I'm interested while I'll chase their interests or at least try to#certainly let them talk about them when they want#...though I take that over my normal total isolation... better to at least be permitted to follow in someone's shadow than have nothing
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i get the frustration with so many villains now getting treatment like “oh they had a sucky childhood so actually you need to feel bad for them and not hold them accountable for their actions” but the counter of “this person was born evil and cant ever grow and its pathetic to assume that they can, also people cant be redeemed no matter what and this is fantastic writing actually” is so exhausting.
#like... no one is born grinning maliciously with a knife out the womb. no one starts out that way#and anything thats ever tried to portray a character that way at birth has only ever been ironically funny#idk its annoying when people are like ''actually its more interesting that the character doesnt have a motive for killing people''#like. coming off of bullet train rn but even ''this character otherwise has a perfect life but they accidentally killed and now theyre#fascinated with all the ways people can die'' is more interesting than ''idk thats just how they are *shrugs*''#like yes someone can have the perfect upbringing and social life and still turn out to be sadistic but you can still work with that#as opposed to ''they were born evil thats just how they were always gonna be SORRY''#like. idk go into that ''perfect social life and family''. what did that family value? what were the friends like?#what did that person experience outside of those things? what did they consume?#did their social standing actually breed some sort of entitlement to them? do they perhaps freak out if something doesnt go their way?#are they insecure deep down? does that drive them to it? are they a perfectionist? do they assume peoples feelings?#i remember reading this wc fancomic that explained why a character was evil and like her mom died#and the attention from her mothers death made her obsessed with being fawned over so she started medical abuse#and letting her patients die so that people would fawn over her the same way every time#and the op was like ''HEY before you yell at me shes NOT evil bc her mom died ok she was gonna turn out evil no matter what''#like... no no go into the emotional vulnerability implied there. go into the morbid introduction to slow death at a young age#go into the potential desensitization go into that. youre already willing to make her multifauceted and with positive traits#why are you afraid of implying shes even SOMEWHAT sympathetic and just want to say she was gonna do that regardless#and i fault the atmosphere around this stuff most of all like we should never have implied that giving a villain a reason to be evil#was stupid woobifying bullshit that was out of touch with reality#echoed voice
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I can and have xed out of fics that make lwj speak too much. in fact I just did. stop giving that man paragraphs!!
#also when all his dialogue is unconditional support for praise of and validation of wwx#bores me to tears. he has OPINIONS and STANCES of his own and his relationship w wwx is a PARTNERSHIP#I talk a lot abt unconditional support but thats like. public stuff. emotional support.#not backing up every single one of his decisions w effusive praise but rather walking down a path alongisde him#lwj having his own principles and moral compass is what makes his support of wwx MATTER im so frustrated w bl fans#a partner that never challenges or questions you makes for a stale partnership. there is only one person really there#when there should be two. as a team#also wwx doesnt NEED validation abt the things he did or his inherent self-worth#he may have regrets but hes coming to terms w them on his own and hed be far more reassured by lwj#deliberately siding w him and defending him in public and making sure he knows hes worth it#rather than soothing any inherent qualms he has abt his appearance or value as a cultivator. theres a difference#finally lwj isnt hc lmao#ficblogging
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Guys if I ever get cancelled or whatever SOLELY bc some of my ocs are abusers and stuff (not the contents/treatment/narrative framing of their abuse, just the fact some of my ocs are abusers.) I need you to white knight me into oblivion please
#Every now and then I remember there are genuinely still some people whose purity culture values go so far#They think people who have ocs who like. kill or abuse means they support the actions and thus need to GTFO!!!#When really the argument should be about how a person handles and writes these dark subject matters#Bc some people do it well and with respect. and others dont .#and its a matter of educating and avoiding those who romanticize and make a joke out of triggering topics#NOT that a person no matter how the dark subject is framed automatically supports it and likes murder and abuse and needs to be put down !#Everyone and their mom has said this but I will not be killed on this hill if that time comes i will walk down the hill bc its not MY hill
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not that im mad or that i hate it, its simply impossible not to compare, impossible not to think that to you its enough to do that but i feel like i constantly have to break and stale over lost time, and desperation that i work on something insignificant that yet occupies the biggest part of my day and its leading me nowhere, and that desperation is what has always dragged me through, even when things seem so hopeless. it doesnt mean it isnt tiring, all the opposite.
#and you grin and smile and laugh about things you like on your full time#and my friends travel to europe for holidays#and go out with their partners#and i try for fucks sake and in most days i do see the beauty the good and the virtue in my desperate attempts to keep health going#but hell sometimes its hard#and today is one of those#I cant afford abroad or masters or anywhere nor am i dedicating my work to something i care about and im cosntantly reminded that#what i care about isnt important and that i shouldnt spend so much time in things that dont matter in the end#apologies that we clearly see things differently and ive fought tooth and nail for the state i am currently#and so i cant afford vacations in europe but neither can you dad even when you did everything you deemed right#and your debts are half mine nowadays even when i do it all half right#you tried so hard to erase our home country it should come as no surrprise that i dont match your youth and their values#you believe in traditional and solidness and i believe in things that are real and mine they match and converge in some places at least#the same way i am only half the son you wanted but got a daughter that has seen the way you talk about women only half right#i will disappoint#thats a fact but it wont be myself thats for sure
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I need to talk about this because it's making me feel insane.
Last week, my white leftist goyisch friends sat me, a wholeass antizionist Jew, down for a "talk" because they "needed to check in about Palestine" and make sure "our values aligned before we hung out again". They apparently needed to "suss out" where I stood on Palestinian rights, despite having had several conversations about Palestine and them being some of my closest friends. They needed to check, to search for and uncover my true values, because I had said some "disturbing things" that had made them "suspicious".
Disturbing things included:
Supporting IfNotNow which is a "liberal zionist organization" because it normalizes Jewish heritage in the Levant
Not bringing Palestine up enough, despite them also not bringing it up (this was apparently a test)
Mentioning that the Houthi's flag talks about cursing all Jews
Saying Stalin was antisemitic because of the "all the paw-grihms"
...and apparently other things they wouldn't specify, but had been tracking for months.
To clarify, I am an antizionist Jew from three generations of antizionist Jews. I have been vocal in my support of Palestinian liberation and in my condemnation both of Israel's actions and its violent founding as a state, and of zionism in many of its forms. I am a regular donor to Palestinian and Jewish NGOs and advocate for Jewish antizionism in person, at temple, and online. I have been talking about Palestinian liberation before they could point to Gaza on a map. But they needed to make sure, they needed to "suss out", they needed to check. And it's notable that the majority of moments that made them suspicious of me were times where I talked about antisemitism: not about Palestinian liberation, not about Israeli decolonization, not about anything actually relevant to Palestine. It was talking about antisemitism that made them check to see if I was a cryptozionist.
One of the most pervasive and insidious forms of antisemitism is the idea that Jews are inherently untrustworthy and suspicious. You have to constantly be on guard, track what they say and do, "suss out" the real truth. You have to keep them in line and and watch them carefully because they're liars and sneaks, and if you're not looking closely they'll return to their real values (and drag you down with them). This is where the idea of "cryptozionist" comes from and what it's directly building off of: the inherent untrustworthiness of Jews and the need to check. Because no matter how close you become you can't actually trust them, and any upstanding gentile should make sure to avoid associating with Jews before "sussing out" their real allegiances and intentions. You have to make them turn out their pockets, just in case.
I'm the first and only Jew they actually were friends with; I know because they've told me (strangely proud of it in the way white Americans are proud of that kind of thing). They've asked me questions about Judaism and fawned over how beautiful and unique it was for me to be connected to my community and culture. Pre-October 7th, one of them had even mentioned being interested in coming to services at my temple. She still has my copy of our siddur. But now she needed to "check" before she could be seen with me in public. Which is what it was: it wasn't a "you're my friend and I need to give you some feedback because you're fucking up" kind of intervention (which is normal and important to have), it was a trial. It was a last chance for me to prove to them that I'm clean-enough that they could afford to risk being seen with me in public, just in case someone noticed them fraternizing with a hypothetical Enemy and their leftism was compromised. It was a test to make sure that I behave properly when required to, that I'd play along and do what I'm told and turn out my pockets if asked (because any refusal would validate the notion of having something to hide). And above all it was an opportunity for them to reaffirm their own cleanliness by putting my imagined immorality in its place.
I did what I needed to do: I smiled. I apologized. I "didn't know that". I "appreciated the feedback". I turned out my pockets because what else could I do? They'd decided who I was and what I believed, regardless of what I said or did, so there was no point in explaining that they were wrong about me. If I had told them they were being antisemitic, it would just have been proof that they were right. Caring about antisemitism is a dogwhistle in the spaces they've chosen: it's not a real form of oppression, it's a tactic for sneaky, lying Jews to weasel out of admitting their true alliances. There was nothing I could say.
Nothing's really changed for me. I'm going to continue my activism for Palestinian liberation rooted in my culture and my faith. Antizionism is still not antisemitism. But I got a reminder that many white goyisch leftists fundamentally just don't trust Jews, and that the activist spaces they're in not only exacerbate their antisemitism in an increasingly insular echo chamber, but also allow them to finally vent their internalized bigotry in a socially-acceptable way. In my former friends' eyes, what they did was activism—disavowing a Jew (and making me feel humiliated, scared, and unclean in the process) as a cathartic stand-in for doing fucking anything for actual Palestinian liberation—but for me it was a grief that I'll be feeling for a long time: not only over losing friends I loved and trusted, but also over my sense of belonging and security in leftist spaces.
#jumblr#I need to talk about this because I feel like I'm losing it a little#its incredibly disconcerting to have this come out of nowhere from people I trusted and it's hard to not blame myself somehow#antizionism#antizionist jew#judaism#jewish#jew#jewblr#leftist#leftism#leftist antisemitism#antisemitism#Palestine#Israel#again to reiterate: I am just as committed to Palestinian liberation as ever and antizionism is still not antisemitism#but fuck do some leftists put in the legwork to making it seem like it is huh#free Palestine
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How do you leave people behind?
this will sound so corny, but i find when i'm at a place where i'm considering cutting someone out of my life, i do a "pros/cons" list specifically about what they offer ME. good memories, bad memories, anything in between-- what does this person (who has somehow managed to make me feel so badly that i might want them out of my life permanently) actually bring to my life? what HAVE they brought to my life thus far, good bad or middle? when you go through your memories in a linear fashion, you'll get answers quickly, even answers to questions you might not fully understand (when did this feeling start? why did this feeling start? ect.ect.). &by the end, it will be very obvious what your answer is; i don't think i've ever gone through this process¬ come out on the other end with, not just answers, but the closest thing to closure i actually believe in.
#when i cut my exbest friend out of my life a few years back this process left me so jawdroppingly ashamed of how much i put up w#that when i found out she was trying to get back into my life a year or so later i laughed so hard i started crying.#shes lucky i didnt just record a video of that&send her that as a response lmao.#the thing is when you go thru this sort of process you also see pretty quickly how these ppl saw YOU. what they clearly believed about YOU.#like one of the memories that stuck out most was when she found out she was pregnant&when i tried to talk to her about it#she immediately jumped to thinking i was upset bc i cant have kids. i was upset bc i thought i might never get to meet her kid.#bc i was. you know. dying&homeless at the time lmao. that one memory told me everything i really needed to know about what she thought#of my character in regards to selfishness. &her messages asking me to 'rethink letting her into my life bc she missed the energy i brought#her&the headspace i put her in' on the other end of things let me know exactly what i was to her-- something to bring value to HER#&someone who would be totally okay w that arrangement bc im so desperate for company that ill take her shit presence over nothing lmao.#like every single memory i have of us together is bullshit. every single one is tainted by her inherent selfishness&abhorrent behavior.#not one makes me think 'yeah i should try this again it wont be a waste of my time&energy that only she benefits from like our LAST#arrangement' lmao. &thats the case w literally every person i have cut out of my life.#no matter when how or why they come back i didnt only cut them off i cauterized the wound before even letting them know i was done w them#lmao. we dont go back-- only forward. 🌹🥂💋#💌
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