#it really doesn't get easier

[mauhrycy]

[inkskinned]

i keep thinking about hobbies and how i often spill over myself to pick up new ones. i have adhd, i end up trying something for like a month and then just getting far enough in it that i move on, satisfied.

and that should be fine; but it's never fine.

i am a pretty decent artist; but i can't just make art for my dnd campaign, i should be selling dnd maps and character designs and scene setting pieces. i can't just make my friends matching earrings, i need to get an etsy and ship them internationally and take bulk orders. i make pretty good props and decorations and use them to throw my friends parties - but i should be running a party planning business and start taking paying clients and networking and putting my skills to actual use.

for some reason, i never figured out the specifics of pottery. it was a fun class and i enjoyed myself - and still, i'm embarrassed, years later, that i put in all that useless effort. everything i make has to be stunning. stellar. i should have applied myself more. maybe i'm too lazy. maybe i'm broken and selfish and needy. actually creative people would have kept going; they would be bettering themselves at every possible opportunity.

we find ourselves in this trap, even accidentally: we need to commodify our time, because it is a commodity. if we spend our efforts and our time not earning, isn't that the same thing as burning free money? and god forbid you ever take up a hobby that ends up being more expensive than you thought. you sit in your car and you look at the receipt and in your head you hear a conversation that isn't even happening - your mom or your friend or your partner all saying oh great. not this shit again. it's always something with you, and it never actually means anything.

i have realized this horrible thing, recently - i'll get excited to start a project, pick up a new hobby. and then i just... stop myself. i start thinking about the amount of time it will take, and how it'll look in my monthly budget. what if i can't even produce a good enough final product. sure, it's exciting to think about how i could make my friend her own custom dice. but i'm just polluting the earth if i don't get it right. better not bother. better not try.

restless, i get caught in the negative space. the feeling that oh god, i want to create. and that horrible sense - yeah, but i don't have the time to just put to waste.

[longmaxsilvarg]

something about the main menu for life is strange genuinely makes me wanna collapse and sob

[buglaur]

my favourite posts from 2023

[arrimorr]

I was so exited for Arthur to shine his detective skills in the new episode of malevolent only for the man to plant and hide evidence the second no one was looking at him

[pigeonclaw]

I haven't felt very motivated to draw lately (what chronic fatigue does to a guy 😔) but I have cracked open my sketchbook a few times. Mostly to doodle TBC.

[innerxsanctum]

Happy birthday to the reason I became a Pethead in the first place. There aren't enough words to express everything you mean to me, so I won't even try. But you've changed my life in ways I never thought possible. Thank you for being unapologetically yourself, and most of all, for being the driving force behind Pet Shop Boys.

“Writing new stuff and doing new projects and everything is really what I live for.”

[not-poignant]

Hello! A question about A Stain that Won’t Dissolve (which I’m obsessed with): are you ever tempted to write from Sebastian’s pov? Not necessarily retelling the events of a chapter from his perspective, but just writing from his view in general and exploring his thoughts more deeply. Because the way you describe his expressions and the way he reacts to the (sometimes bonkers) things Alex says really makes me curious about what’s going on inside his head.

(And to be clear, I’m not saying I think you should do that, I’m just curious if you as a writer are ever tempted to switch between povs instead of writing from one main character. Because in the very few things I’ve written I’ve often been tempted to include the pov of both sides of a ship, so I wondered what your thoughts are on that subject.)

I can’t wait for the next update! :)

Hi anon,

I'm definitely tempted to write Sebastian's POV, but I won't. It's always a very conscious choice not to.

I actually write split POV quite a lot, especially in my original fiction (I'm literally doing it in like 4 of my original stories right now).

If I choose a single character narrative, it's because I genuinely believe the story is stronger and creates more reader interest because of it. Sometimes stories are stronger because you don't know what the other character is thinking, and you're left in the unreliable narrative of a single narrator. It also allows the mental image of that character to be held in a very specific way, which is great for representing certain love interests.

So yeah, it's one of those 'I always consider it, and then I choose whether I will or won't.'

I feel less like doing it over time re: Sebastian, because I truly believe that a) the story is stronger without it and b) Alex is starting to see Sebastian more and more for who he is really is anyway, so it's becoming less necessary.

But what I also really love about not seeing Sebastian's POV is that it forces Alex to become a better communicator the more that there is a disjunct between what Alex thinks, what he thinks he's observing, and what Sebastian actually does and says. Our confusion or 'what are his motives' are Alex's 'uhhhh, what?' - That's intentional! We get to experience how it feels to live in the mind of someone who doesn't communicate well, or clarify things, and we get to experience the slow opening of someone who is starting to ask a bit more, reach out a bit more, perceive more.

There's a kind of slow blossoming in awareness, where we go from Alex's extremely limited view of himself, the town, Sebastian etc. and then we get this kind of unfolding that occurs that I really enjoy writing. By the time we get to the end, we look back, and so much more of Sebastian's actions make sense with context, so it's also a technique designed to make rereading a lot more pleasurable. :D

[roraimae]

Guess who finally had time to start playing Veilguard and is now faced with the Minrathous vs. Treviso choice

Emotional damage.

[tleeaves]

There are two wolves inside me. One wants to embrace a new hobby in dance so I can be active and feel elegant and graceful and strong. This wolf wants to try something new and exciting, finally indulging in something I've always had an interest in.

The other experiences such frustrating emotions on a near daily basis that I want to go back to boxing, which is arguably easier to break into since I've already done it before. This wolf doesn't think of elegance, she just wants to fuck shit up until her body's so overworked and warm it fogs up car windows without having to do anything but sit inside.

Which one do I fucking feed??

[clfixationstation]

one thing that I will criticize about Mikasa's character is that she doesn't understand Eren's (and Armin's) dream at all. The only insight we're offered into Mikasa's perspective of their dream is that she doesn't understand it and doesn't know what they're going on about. Like?? She doesn't get Eren's basic motivations?? Unless I completely missed something, Mikasa doesn't know that Eren wanted to explore an unoccupied world with Armin or that he desires 'freedom'. Which again, are Eren's base-level motivations. And she just. Isn't allowed to know??

[wereshrew-admirer]

scratching at the walls

[necrotic-nephilim]

I started in DC by reading fanfics, but as I began to read actual comics, I started to be unable to read the actual fanfic that got me into it in the first place because it's so out of character.

But there are still some stories that I love to read because I love the found family trope so much, even if it isn't really accurate to the source material.

As a comics purist (sometimes), are there tropes that you like enough that you'll still enjoy a fic even if it's not accurate to canon?

oh my god this is SUCH a fun question. bc while i started with the comics, there were certain characters and/or character dynamics where i was exposed to the fanon before the canon (just bc it's hard to read everything when you start out just to read some fanfic) and so i've definitely experienced the fanon to canon transition. (*especially* with Jason Todd. i had only read 80s/90s stuff where he was already dead or the New-52 bc that was on-going when i got into comics and man. the fanon misunderstandings i had about him before i got frustrated and sat down to read all his pre-Flashpoint stuff were absolutely bonkers.) and aside from that, whilst i tend to prefer canon over fanon, i'm not past giving fanon its flowers for occasionally having really interesting insights. occasionally. so some of my fanon "guilty pleasure" tropes would probably be

Morally Grey Tim Drake - this is one where if you try to back it up with canon, i *will* get salty about it. of everyone in the Batfam aside from maybe Bruce and Cass, Tim has the *most* black and white morals. often his internal conflicts are routed in such an inability to compromise his moral views and it can cause him to clash with other characters. he's *very* stiff and rigid in his beliefs and is *rare* to compromise in even the smallest ways. i mean, DC has repeatedly used Tim Drake of Tomorrow/Savior/Gun Batman!Tim for a reason. it's to demonstrate that of everyone, Tim *cannot* have his morals compromised. there's no grey area for him. he's zero or a hundred, so if he tips over the edge of "too far" he tips *all the way*, and doing so is one of his worst fears, how he could go "too far" if he let himself. a couple panels out of context from Red Robin (2009) (which was a grief spiral for Tim to begin with) don't change that. now that said. if it's done *right*, i sort of love Tim being morally grey in fanfic. it takes a specific flavor for me, and it's incredibly important to include that mental spiral along with it, of him struggling to justify it. i don't have any interest in "Tim Drake is loosy goosy with Bruce's morals and has the highest kill count and no one knows teehee" bc it doesn't play with the interesting parts of making Tim morally grey, which are fracturing his psyche. but all in all, i think it's fun to put Tim in a morally grey area and i will read it in fanfic and i enjoy writing it a lot

Joker Junior!Tim Drake - i've not written it on this account (yet) but on my main ao3 account one of my biggest fics surrounds this concept. this is one of those "well *technically* it's canon but only in a specific very divorced from the comics universe and would not work at all in the main timeline" so, i categorize it as fanon in that 95% of fics exploring the concept are not doing so within the Batman Beyond universe, but the main timeline. i just love it. I'll take any excuse to whump Tim, but this concept is so fun. psychologically breaking Tim will always be my favorite pastime. there are so many ways to explore the long-term effects this could have on him, how it could affect the Batfam. i'm not a fan of it being used as a "gotcha" to Jason or Babs' trauma with the Joker to paint Tim as the Ultimate Victim, but it is fun to see how their relationships would be affected by being mutual victims of him. (i have a vague JayTim idea where TIm fully retires from being Robin after being Joker Junior and killing the Joker, making Steph Robin for most of his typical Robin era and Jason still tracks him down out of curiosity bc he wants to know what happened and all. very underbaked but i've got thoughts.)

Renegade/Apprentice of Slade!Dick Grayson - this is another one where yes, this happened *sort of* in canon, but i highly doubt most people writing Renegate!Dick have read or are actually pulling from Nightwing: Renegade. it's just an exploration fo the concept fo Dick being Slade's apprentice and i will always eat it up in any capacity. whether Dick grows up with Slade from a young age, or chooses Slade for whatever reason later in life. it's not anything that works in canon bc it compromises Dick morally (similar to the above with Tim) and therefore will always come across incredibly fanon in most fics. but i can't say i don't enjoy it. it's fun to make Dick a little morally fucked up and see what you can make him under Slade's tutelage.

Jason & Damian Meeting in the League -there's no world where i believe this could work in the canon comics. (maybe in the Young Justice cartoon i suppose, but even then i think it's iffy) i would go as far to say it's wildly unrealistic. i don't see a world where Ra's would let Jason anywhere *near* Damian, bc Jason was Talia's pet project that he didn't approve of. that all said, there's something very interesting about how they *could've* met and them potentially bonding during that timeframe. them being somewhat brotherly during this time because Jason sees Bruce in Damian and sort of latches onto the kid and Damian is full of wonder hearing real stories about Batman and Robin, then that getting violently ripped away by Jason leaving the League is fun to me. it's fun how that could affect them within the Batfam and all. it's super fanon to me, but i do not care. i will eat it up

Bad Dad Clark Kent/Good Dad Lex Luthor - i will admit as a late, i've been less and less kind to this particular fanon bc of everything i've argued with people about, *this* one seems the most pervasive as misunderstood fanon. i don't mind when fanon exists, my gripe is when ppl try to claim it's canon. and the *arguments* i've had over this with people who can never seem to cite an actual comic are... frustrating. but that said, i think there is something fun to this strictly in fanon. the duality of who you expect to accept Kon and who you expect to hurt him being flipped is just sort of fun for the occasional guilty pleasure fic. it can make Kon's internal conflict a bit more interesting. the same goes for the Jon favoritism from Clark, it's not a canon thing (and i rlly wish ppl understood how complicated the timeline of Kon and Jon is and any distance from Clark toward Kon isn't malice, it's that Kon is from a timeline that Clark does not remember in the current canon so Clark just straight up doesn't know the poor kid.) but it's sort of fun to give Kon that complex of being overlooked and forgotten sometimes. making Kon just a *bit* more Luthor than Kent will *always* appeal to me in fanfic, especially if he *knows* it's wrong but craves approval from anyone who will give it.

Good Dad Bruce Wayne - i'll die on the hill Bruce is canonically a shitty father. maybe not to the extreme some people write him as, but he's not great at it. that said, i enjoy it in fanfiction. sometimes, i just want silly fluff or hurt/comfort where Bruce finally gets it right and manages to comfort whatever Batkid is in the fic. one of my favorite fics of all time is hinged on Bruce being a good dad, so i think it's just fun to explore how good the relationships *could* be, if Bruce was slightly less of an asshole. i usually prefer him as an asshole, but there are times i want low stakes nonsense.

Gotham Rogues Having Soft Spots for Robin(s) - just about every Rogue in Gotham has done something absolutely irredeemable, and most of them don't like or care about anyone in the Batfamily. but if there's a fic where one of the Robins inexplicably is sort of close with a Rogue and they have a cute silly relationship out of it? I'll eat it up i fear. Steph and the Riddler are besties? I'll believe it. Tim and Scarecrow get along pretty well? give me ten of these. Rogues protecting Robins just hits a spot. the unexpected nature of the relationship, as well as the fact they see each other regularly, can make a lot of good fodder.

[amethystina]

hey i hope you're doing fine <3 i just wanted to drop by and scream over the recent WHTD chapter, you blew me away with the perfectly written gut wrenching yearning like i. was. on. the. floor. yohan literally being unable to ignore a distressed gaon even tho he is literally dying himself we love to see it!! and gaon with the hoodie??? oh my sweet boy, i feel bad for you (even tho you bought this upon yourself lol) anyways i can't wait to see where we go from here, i can't express enough just how excited i am for their journey...

while we're on that topic, i was recently re-reading 'it is mine to avenge' and as we know, they are established in that fic and it got me so curious on how that happened like what led to that first kiss and who initiated it? would you be so kind to entertain me cuz i cannot stop thinking ab it lol (also im going to absolutely lose it when they finally kiss in WHTD like im scared for myself)

ok i'll shut up now, thank you for your beautiful stories they bring me so much comfort and joy, you and your works are so so loved so thank you <33 i hope you're feeling better now and please take care of yourself!! <3

I'm so glad you enjoyed the latest chapter! That last scene with Ga On and Yo Han was so very heartbreaking to write because they both yearn so incredibly much but have their reasons for trying to hold back. And it has reached the point where not even Yo Han is in full control anymore, his desire to help and protect Ga On overruling his iron will. I think that says a lot.

And yeah, the hoodie scene made me feel bad for Ga On but also made me want to shake my head at him. Ga On, my sweet baby deer — you are a disaster.

But a disaster I adore, so he's got that going for him, at least.

I hope the rest of the journey will be enjoyable as well! The coming chapters are going to be full of scenes I've been dying to write for ages — and I mean that literally since I've been writing this fic for three years now. Hopefully, you will find them as exciting as I do!

As for It Is Mine to Avenge, it was Ga On who initiated their first kiss, which Yo Han points out in the story itself:

"And Yo Han knew — had known, from the very first time Ga On had kissed him, bold and unafraid — that he would never find that anywhere else."

Aside from that, the only detail I've decided on is that they didn't get together until after the drama. But I can't say if it was days, weeks, or months after. Or exactly what the scene looked like. Mainly because it wasn't relevant to the main story and, in some ways, I want to leave it as open as possible for my readers to decide for themselves.

I mean, some might even want to put It Is Mine to Avenge in the same universe as Who Holds the Devil, which is totally fine by me.

Like, we're not even at the one-year mark after the drama in Who Holds the Devil and It Is Mine to Avenge is set two years after Yo Han faked his death. So it's possible 😉 And Yo Han never mentions exactly what it is that Ga On does to bring change and fight for equality. It could be the Justice Project. But it could also be something else entirely. It's your choice!

... and I guess that means I just spoiled who will kiss who first in Who Holds the Devil but I think that's pretty obvious by now considering Yo Han's desire to be chosen. He's not going to be the one to kiss Ga On because he wants Ga On to pick him and show how much he wants to be with him — even if it means Yo Han is going to be waiting for a while still.

(Also: No, I'm not saying that It Is Mine to Avenge and Who Holds the Devil are in the same universe, but I'm not going to stop anyone from having that as their headcanon)

So yeah! I've intentionally left things vague in It Is Mine to Avenge because I didn't want to ruin anyone's theories. Which I guess is the boring answer since you wanted to be entertained? Sorry about that 😂

I know I say I have a plan for almost everything and that's still true, it just so happens that my plan this time was to not have an answer because I thought it would be more interesting for people to come up with their own theories and ideas.

So, really, a better question would be what YOU think led to that first kiss 😉

Thank you so much for your kind words and encouragement. I admit I really need them right now because things are, unfortunately, not getting any better. I still haven't recovered from my burnout but there's a risk I have to go back to working full-time anyway because of bureaucracy. And I'm kind of scared of what that will do to my overall health, both mental and physical. And having to deal with that anxiety is exhausting all on its own, never mind the strain of working full-time.

Plus, my former stepdad (my mum and he broke up about two years ago but were together for twenty years so he's been there for more than half of my life) is in the hospital with sepsis. They found bacteria in his heart and he's currently getting antibiotics every sixth hour in an attempt to keep it from killing him 🙃

So, uh, life is kind of shit? I've barely had time to deal with the previous loss and now I'm terrified I'll be hit with another.

(It probably won't happen since he's being carefully monitored and he sounds surprisingly cheerful for someone who's going to be pumped full of antibiotics for four weeks straight, but yeah. Tell that to my brain)

So thank you, truly, for caring about me and for all the kindness. It means a lot to me 💜

[xxplastic-cubexx]

just read the new mutants issue where Charles chose to stay behind in space and my god the juxtaposition between Charles trusting Erik and Erik joining the hellfire club and wondering at his own trust worthiness. I wonder how much of Charles decision was him ultimately trying to avoid the fact that his first class had seemingly betrayed mutant kind and not be willing to face them and how much of it was Dani and Illyana's reaction to him having Karma mind control Illyana. the fact that Illyana was depending on him to ease her mind through limbo and in choosing to stay he forced karma to do it instead, probably fucking up their relationship in the process.

I love him, this is crazy, how much of this is him trying to runaway and how much is this him not trusting himself to fix things and how much is it just him trusting Erik?

i keep trying to put into words my exact thoughts about the sitch but there really is a lot for one issue aintit... oh charles you and your brain...

[lunarharp]

figured i'd do this again..bit early i guess..