#it really cant figure out how much of anything youre supposed to already now

[the-clay-quarters]

pokes the ambition text. your consistency issues are showing already

[ivysprophecy]

Am I Okay? Chapter Three

a/n: hi again! if you havent guessed already this chapter is going to include the gala i mentioned in part twelve! (which is linked) now as author im going to state clearly that this is not their first date 'canonically', however, its what i MYSELF consider their first date. <3

warnings: i dont think there are any, but i did add a little somethin somethin at the end ;) and i should mention this ones gonna be in rafes pov ;) im in no way saying that rafe is my character

word count: 1241

this shouldnt feel as daunting as it does right now. shes just a friend. its just a dinner party, theres no commitments attached or technicalities to worry over.

its just me and her making a boring evening more exciting.

thats all.

i knock on the door and wait patiently for her to answer. i did come a bit early so i wouldnt be surprised if she was still getting ready.

she has a tendency to get swept up in the music shes listening to when shes at her vanity.

but as soon as she opens that door and i turn to see her... i suddenly forget all the convincing was doing.

cause i know after tonight theres gonna be no more hiding just how into her i am. she looks incredible.

it does something to me knowing its the dress i bought her.

"hi," thats all she says and i swear i forgot how to breathe. how does she do this to me?

"hey," my smile widens, "you look... gorgeous. really you look great."

"cant take all the credit, the dress was all your doing. im just wearing it."

"and you wear it beautifully," just like that, a natural blush replaces the artificial pink on her cheeks "we should get going, are you ready or do you need more time? i can wait."

"i think im ready..." she searches through her purse, going over its contents making sure she has everything. "yep, im ready."

"perfect," i close the door behind her as she walks out, "its a little jarring to see you without your boots."

she chuckles as i open the car door for her, "i tried to clean up as nice as i could."

"you clean up just fine cowgirl," i cant hide my smile.

the drive to the event was that comfortable kind of quiet. i always let her take aux when we drive together. country music definitely isnt my favorite but she could play a lot worse.

besides she throws in the occasional kid cudi or metro boomin for me.

shes thoughtful like that.

"oh theres valet? how fancy," the valet opens her door for her before i can even get out of the car. i suppose thats his job.

"thats kinda how these things go. theyre a bit much."

"well i think its refreshing being so spoiled. dads done a lot of fancy business but nothing like this. its fun."

taking her hand, i lead her up the stairs into the building, "ill spoil you as much as you want cowgirl."

"youre such a sweet talker city boy. for someone who, supposedly, is a serial bachelor youre a total flirt."

"nah, i only flirt with you," i tell her, truthfully. part of me said it to see her all flustered but really there isnt a point in lying about it.

i know everyones got me figured out already, the guys and their girls are better gossipers than the real housewives. not that id know anything about the real housewives. i definitely dont watch that shit.

"thats exactly what im talking about," shes giggling as we walk into the giant room filled to the brim with investors, partners, staff, clients, a bunch of people i really want to avoid. i was about to lead her over to the bar when we run into someone conveniently.

her father. that i work with. awesome.

"cameron! thought i wouldnt be able to catch you tonig- y/n? pumpkin what are you doing here?"

"dad! were in public can you maybe not call me that-"

i let a smile peak through, "pumpkin?" its just too easy to tease her.

"rafe," she sends me a warning, and you know she means business when she uses my "government name" as she likes to call it.

i throw my hands up in defense jokingly.

"its good to see you y/l/n," i reach out to shake her dads hand, "i invited her, hoping a friendly face would make the night more barrable. i hope thats alright with you."

"nah its good for her. she needs to get out more. i trust youll take care of her."

"dad!" she raises her tone while keeping a hushed voice, "dont talk about me like im not here. please."

"you kids have fun tonight," her dad wraps an arm around her before pressing a small kiss to her temple before shaking my hand again, "good to see you rafe. take care of my little girl."

i nod with a smile as he walks away, heading over to a table of some other clients i recognize.

"unbelievable! rafe im so sorry that was embarrassing. he doesnt know how to act normal. i shouldnt let him out of the house. i need to put him in a home."

"cowgirl, youre rambling. its fine, i get it. hes a dad its his job to embarrass you a little."

she rolls her eyes leading the way back to the bar like we intended in the first place. leaning against the bar she tells the bartender her order and mine, already knowing id like a whiskey.

how am i not supposed to like this girl so much when she knows me so well? i dont care if we come from two completely different backgrounds. a part of me knows this is the girl for me.

taking our drinks i lead her over to our table for the night, pulling out her seat for her to sit when suddenly i see some investors walking my way.

i knew id have to work a little tonight but it doesnt stop me being disappointed from being pulled away from her.

the night goes on, i introduce her to a few of the people i know better than others, but i give her the chance to mingle when she wants too. shes so well spoken and holds her own well.

shes mesmerizing.

at one point i return from the restroom, and when i come back i see that after i stepped away one of the investors sons is making conversation with her.

hes far too close to her for my liking, touching her arm subtly, desperately trying to make her laugh. but i can see shes only doing it to be polite.

i step up right beside her, my hand naturally falling to the small of her back. innocently of course.

"jared! good to see you man, your dad let you come?"

theres nothing i love to see more than his confidence faulter. he needed to be put in his place, what can i say?

im just happy i was the one to get to do it.

"yea... yea he did. it was good seeing you rafe. nice meeting you...?" he smiled in her direction, asking for one more chance silently, i couldnt contain my laughter.

"have a nice night jared. tell your dad ill see him at mondays meeting," and with that i lead her away in the direction of our table.

"you didnt have to be so rude to him you know?"

"cowgirl, that was hardly rude of me. i was doing him a favor."

she plasters on an offended face, pretending to clutch her pearls, "how dare you, im a catch. hed be so lucky to have me, and so would you."

god, shes such a tease.

believe me gorgeous. i know id be so lucky to have you. its all i think about.

[ masterlist ]

[cupiohearts]

I WISH YOU LOVE ! - reminiscing with gun.

(cant catch me now series). GUN VER. dg ver. goo ver

they see you everywhere. james, jonggun, joongoo. they find bits and pieces of you lying around in their pockets, their houses and memories. it depends on which one it is which scene they see you in.

for GUN, he cant figure out for the life of anyone why they would wish someone that moved on in life the best of luck. he was a selfish man. when you disappeared from him, he mutters bitterly to himself wishing curses upon your name. the tear drops on the letter you wrote to him being the symbolism behind it all.

why would he want you to do well without him? why did you have to leave him?

did you not care as much as you said you did? he furrows his eyebrow. taking another drag out of his cigarette while he watches the stupid couple on the street pick out matching items for each other.

"jonggun! jonggun! look come here! hurry up!" you hiss at him as you press your face against the glass of a window. it was the pet adoption center. a calico cat taking a nap in the window as you cood at it.

that was the ugliest cat hes ever seen. it's eyes looked a bit too similar to the one you always give him when you want him to do something ridiculous for you.

"its cute" he gruffly says. you raise an eyebrow at him and made a face "youre a big fat liar. when we grow old with joongoo and james! we should all get a cat together!"

you giggle as you wiggled your finger at the cat. your breath fogging up the glass and when you pulled away he could see a slight bit of lipgloss- or lip tint- or whatever you were wearing on your lips that left it all glossy and shimmery left on the window.

he didnt say anything about it. he probably shouldve. you left the window dirty with your makeup. the same lips he imagined himself kissing from to time.

he thinks again. gun is a selfish man. when he read the letter you gave him, he thinks to himself for a far longer period of time than what he would appreciate.

he picks up the small camera you left behind in your apartment. he kept it with him for some reason. it was to keep videos and photos of yourself so he wont forget all of the times hes had with you.

"gun stop! stop! stop- what in the world happened here?!" your voice can be heard from behind the camera. the camera work a bit shaky as you walk closer to the restaurant.

there were a lot of bodies on the floor. a lot. "did you take them all down by yourself?" you ask him. you already knew the answer. he didnt need to respond but he did "yes"

you let out a deep sigh "this was supposed to be a cute video! you just ruined it. i wanted to send my mom and dad videos of me while im still here!"

you never sent it. he almost wished you did. so your parents knew what your friends were in korea. gangsters hanging out with the most.. sane one. sane is a strong word. hed think more like you were the glue.

you held everyone together, but at the same time. you were the one keeping them in the past.

that wasnt what he thought as he read your note though.

while he reading the shaky lines with splotchy text. the tears you left on the paper made it all crumbly and the words were hard to read.

he could only wish you the worst time without him. you better not be happier than you were with him. thats how you made him feel. he felt like the vines growing around the fence around you. his growth was hindered by the boundaries you had. if you werent there, he wouldve probably never grown in the first place, but you were also the reason he couldnt get better.

even as he read the lines 'jongun, you are the one who destroyed me the most.' he felt a small smile come to his face. he really is the most selfish person he knew.

sooooo... im here. I DID THE SECONDPARTY YIPPEE 😋😋 is it messy idk

i havent proof read so im assuming its ok. if its ooc mb brother.

their personalities are hard to capture anyways live laufh love the lookism blondes <3 the hottest in the game frl

[hearteyes4hobi]

ADORE ME, HOLD ME AND EXPLORE ME ♡ (kmg)

juno- sabrina carpenter

"adore me, hold me and explore me mark your territory, i'm so fuckin' horny"

"cant help myself, hormones are high. Give me more than butterflies"

MINORS DNI 18+ ONLY

a/n: GUYS THIS IS MY FIRST TIME WRITING SMUT AND FIRST TIME WRITING A ONE SHOT IN GENERAL IM SCREAMING I'VE BEEN WANTING TO DO THIS FOREVERRRR. i hope you don't hate this, but remember i am new to this!!! be nice plz...i am open to feedback and would love to hear what you think :) my asks are open for requests, comments, questions, or anything always. i listened to juno so much this happened and i am so sorry im ovul*ting

warnings: breeding kink, lots of cum, they fuck on a car sorry, all porn no plot, reader squirts, outside kinda, pure filth tbh, hints of future baby

wc: 982

When you first started dating your boyfriend Mingyu, you both agreed it would be a couple years before you would even think about having children. Being young and in love had its perks and you didn’t want to spoil it with a newborn just yet. It isn’t until you see Mingyu outside with the hood of your car open and a bag of tools on his waist that makes you consider dropping everything to have his children. The way his honey golden skin was damp and glistening in the sunlight had you completely thoughtless and drooling. You felt some sort of carnal desire flow through you that can only be blamed on your ovulation cycle and maybe Mingyu’s huge biceps.

“(y/n) can you come help with something really fast?” you hear Mingyu shout from outside and you drop everything to see what he may need. Walking towards the car, you see him smiling mischievously.

“How can I help the cute mechanic today?” you say to him teasingly. He looks heavenly, he has grease on his forehead and all over his clothes, but he’s never looked more attractive to you than at this moment. God damn hormones.

“I just wanted to see your face, plus I saw you staring at me and figured you’d love an up-close view better.” He replied smugly with a huge smile on his face.

“I can’t help myself okay, my hormones are high lately. Plus, my boyfriend is too goodlooking, what am I supposed to do?” you say as you hug him tightly, being overly affectionate.

He squeezes you tightly and picks you up off the ground slightly.

“Aw baby, what am I gonna do with you? Distracting me while I’m working isn’t very nice. Gonna have to fuck you dumb to get you calm down now, aren’t I?” Mingyu whispers in your ear seductively.

“You look so sexy out here working, Mingyu.  You might have to put a baby in my belly to truly satisfy me.” You whine while looking into his darkening eyes, daring him to make a move. Mingyu quickly grabs the back of your neck and pulls you in for a deep kiss. You immediately put your hands into his hair. Not wanting to spend too much time kissing, you needed him now. You begin sliding your hands down his chest, all the way to the button of his jeans.

Breaking the kiss, Mingyu mutters, “you vixen…can’t ever have enough, can you? I thought I fucked you well last night, but you always want more. Such a greedy whore for me, is that it baby?”

Already feeling dumb and fucked out listening to his filthy words, you nod in agreement, letting the arousal take you.

“Gonna fuck you right here on the hood of the car, bet you’d love that huh (y/n)?”

You whine out loudly as he bends you over onto the hood of the car. The feeling of the hot metal on your skin burns with desire and anticipation for what will come. You suddenly feel Mingyu's fingers making their way to your center, pulling down your underwear, he adds two fingers into your cunt and ruts them into you making you scream loudly.

"So loud for me baby, guess you want the whole neighborhood to hear how well I fuck you." he growls out at the sight of how wet you are. It's almost picturesque how well your pussy glistens in the beaming sunlight. The squelching of his fingers is getting louder and louder as you near your climax.

“M-more Mingyu, need more, I’m so close” you manage to croak out.

“See, such a greedy whore, (y/n) can never be satisfied with what she has,” Mingyu tugs at your hair as he readjusts leaving your cunt empty and prods your entrance with his cock. “Here baby, gonna fuck you so full and give you that baby you want,” He stammers as he enters you slowly, rocking back and forth. As he bottoms out, his eyes roll to the back of his head.

“I love the way you fit, never want you to leave,” you whine as he enters you fully. You swear you’ve never been this horny ever in your life. Being bent over the hood of his car is doing things to you, and you swear you could cum at any second. You begin to move as to signal to Mingyu you are ready. He begins drilling into you like a dog in heat. “I’m gonna cum, fuck I’m so close baby.. please,” you croak out as he fucks you into oblivion.

“Yeah angel? Gonna let me cum inside you? Your pussy is begging for my cum I can feel you milking my cock every time I speak, you drive me crazy.” Mingyu lifts one of your legs onto his shoulder and begins rutting into you deeper and faster. After a couple more thrusts you feel your climax rising. Suddenly you’re hit with the strongest orgasm you’ve ever had. You see stars and feel euphoric.

 “Holy fuck baby,” Mingyu growls and you realize you squirted all over the hood of his freshly clean car. “That was so hot oh my god,” he states in disbelief and begins hammering into you even harder to chase his climax. “Almost there angel, you did so well, put on a show for me and everything.” All it takes is a couple more thrusts and Mingyu is moaning your name as he is pumping you full of cum. “Gonna make sure you’re stuffed full, don’t let it fall out baby. Wanna see you all big and full carrying our baby, yeah?”

You kiss Mingyu as he finishes riding out his high. Both of you are so full of love for each other you truly can’t wait for the future together, and who knows, maybe having two of you isn’t such a bad thing after all.

[reason-with-the-underdog]

modern au chatfic

thinking about modern au where alhaitham casually refers to kaveh as "loml" in the groupchat

& tighnari messages kaveh "pls tell me you guys got together finally"

kaveh: wdym no he thinks it means "light of my life" lol

tighnari: do you understand why that's not better. do you

kaveh: he's just making fun of me and my nickname!!

tighnari: [switches to alhaitham's dms] that's rough buddy.gif

alhaitham: [Your message could not be delivered. This is usually because the recipient is only receiving direct messages from friends]

tighnari: [switches back to kaveh's dms] alhaitham blocked me

kaveh: WHAT how could he do that to my bestie>:( what did you say

tighnari: oh just laughed at him about the loml thing

kaveh: IKR icb he calls me loml & not know what it means

tighnari: mm hm tell him to unblock me

alhaitham: [This user has accepted your friend request! You can send each other messages now]

tighnari: that was fast wow

tighnari: kaveh doesnt know how much u listen to him huh

alhaitham: Is this important?

tighnari: nah just bored

tighnari: anyways try sending him the wikipedia pg for "loml"

alhaitham: I clarified my intended definition already. He thinks I'm pretending to have known all along out of embarrassment

tighnari: and how does that make you feel

alhaitham: It's fine. He'll accept my feelings when he's ready

tighnari: [switches to kaveh's dms] KAVEH

kaveh: what?!!?

tighnari: i wish i didn't believe so strongly in not sharing private messages

kaveh: is this about alhaitham? did he unblock you

tighnari: i love how i gave you no context and you still guessed it was about alhaitham

kaveh: i wasnt wrong though!

kaveh: what did he do

tighnari: i just said i wouldn't say anything

kaveh: why would you tease me like this... 🥺 do i need to talk to alhaitham to find out

tighnari: yup

kaveh: why does everyone keep telling me to talk to him i literally talk to him all the time

tighnari: i think you should look at the common denominator here

kaveh: yeah ik alhaitham's terrible at communicating directly

tighnari: no comment

kaveh: pls agree 🥺 you know im right

tighnari: no <3

kaveh: >:(

kaveh: but it is weird he didnt bother to look up a word before using it

tighnari: im gonna log off, getting late, good luck figuring it out

kaveh: ok gn

[46 minutes later]

kaveh: tighnari do you think he meant it

kaveh: ykw im not gonna overthink this

[the next morning]

tighnari: kaveh why did you leave a heart react on alhaitham's message in the groupchat

kaveh: im embracing it! i'm the light! nbd!

tighnari: hm very convincing

kaveh: if i pretend it doesnt bother me then it wont

tighnari: does it really bother you tho

kaveh: yes!! ofc it does! not when he doesnt really mean it

tighnari: maybe you should talk to him about your feelings

kaveh: ur supposed to be supportive not attack me >:(

tighnari: if you want an enabler go back to school

kaveh: i CANT that's where he works!

tighnari: didnt you bring him lunch last week

kaveh: yeah he gets grumpy if he skips a meal

tighnari: no comment

kaveh: WE ATE LUNCH AS FRIENDS. JUST LIKE HOW YOU & I GET LUNCH TOGETHER SOMETIMES. AS FRIENDS

tighnari: i dont call you loml tho

kaveh: u are def not the loml rn

[1800-page-not-found]

Hello author can you write reader get stabbed in front of Kimcom Members

getting violent today are we eehehhehehehehehe (～￣▽￣)～

someone help me i just realized i text like an old grandma using emojis 😔💔

This wasn't supposed to happen.

"G-guys?.." A fearful look struck your face as you looked down at the tentacle that belonged to an outer god's which pierced through your abdomen. "No..[name]!" yoo joonghyuk caught your body as you collapsed to the ground. You were his first companion every single regression. A true friend. Someone he could lean on. Unfortunately, that did not go for him. Otherwise you wouldn't be in this situation, right? "Shit shit!" He struggled to think. He had always died before you died in his past regressions. Should he just regress? His hands shook violently as he helplessly couldn't do anything to stop the large wound from bleeding. Was this karma? Karma for giving up in his past regressions? Is this what you felt every time you saw him die? For once in his life, he prayed to which ever god or figure that he wouldn't be so selfish ever again.

That stupid stamina attribute was making you die slowly, suffering more. God it hurt so much.

After kim dokja killed the outer god and gained the story, he rushed to you. You were his favorite supporting character in TWSA. How could you go out so fast?.. Is this his curse for intervening with the story? Why you? "This can't be.." He could go to the underworld but what if he couldn't strike a deal? Would he ever see you again? He stood above your struggling body next to yoo joonghyuk and han sooyoung.

Never in a million years has the trio felt so...useless. What could they even do to save you?

The light in your eyes slowly dimmed as you closed them. Your body-it went limp. Jung heewon and yoo sangah ran to where you were but they were too late to see your last breath. Why did it have to be you out of everyone? You died a heroic death. They both closed their eyes and prayed silently wishing you a farewell. if only...if only they could rewind time.

Lee hyungsung crumbled to the ground. He failed. He failed in protecting everyone. What was his purpose now? He can't even protect his own friend. He should've died instead. Why wasn't it him? Oh, how cruel the gods can be.

The children, the children didn't accept this. Theres no way their unnie/ajusshi would go out like that? This was just a mean awful prank. "noona/ajusshi?" The kids trembled to you as yoo sangah tried to block them from seeing your dead body. Lee gilyoung shook your arm gently. "wake up noona/ajusshi...please wake up. you cant-you cant leave me like this!" Shin yoosung was unable to speak or move anymore. Her eyes widened as she slowly processed what happened. "a-ah...no..this, this isn't real!.." She grabbed a fistful of her hair trying to wake herself up from this awful dream. Lee jihye could only watch standing, looking down at the body that was once alive. How could you die? Her master's one and only friend? How could someone be so full of life one moment and gone the next? This didn't make sense! How could-how!?! Flashbacks and her PTSD came running to her. It was like she was back to the first day of the apocalypse, her hands around her friend's neck. Her eyes widened as she let go, but her friend was already dead. She was trembling, stepping back from the dead body. This is all her fault. She killed youher friend. She should die. She deserves to-"Jihye?" Was it your voice? She snapped back to reality. Ah. It wasn't. You...Youre dead.

------

sighhhhhhhhhh i really cant write angst

[fatmaclover]

got straight up sick thinking about mac and joyce coming out to the rest of their family. cw for any homophobia or transphobia mentioned

you can imagine mac desperately sitting his mom down, trying so hard to get her attention for just a moment, just a second, to tell her about something really important to him. you can imagine him getting progressively more and more stressed the more his mom just wont listen.

his extended family would definitely be easier on account of them all being flaming homosexual men but theyd all for sure do the "i was waiting for when youd finally realize!" spiel and that would actually make mac end it right there i think. theres a certain type of anxiety in telling people who think youre already queer that you are in fact queer. you could be queer in the wrong way to them, they could be disappointed by your identity, they can get too into helping you figure yourself out, and i cant imagine how insecure constant "egg" jokes would make me about my identity. all this to say i think mac coming out to his queer family would be harder on him than trying to come out to his mom

and then. joyce. god bonnie makes me wanna do awful things to the point where i can see joyce just never telling her and she never asks questions. maam your "son" named "charlie" has noticeable breasts are you really gonna see no evil it?

its hard to figure out what bonnies actual reaction to joyce being trans would be. i think theres like. 3 ways it could go. 1) bonnie blames herself for whatever reason. for joyce being trans period, for joyce not figuring it out sooner, for not being able to help, just generally feeling guilt iver the fact that her daughter is a woman. 2) she tries to pretend its fine surface level but theres clearly a different way she sees joyce now. theres a lot more tension there than before. its never acknowledged or brought up. they both hope if they just ignore it it wont boil over into something they have to deal with. 3) is the worst option. theres always the classic "but i gave you so much" but i think thatd be a more internalized thing for bonnie. not something she actively expresses to joyce, because shes supposed to be a good mother. but i dont doubt those feelings would be there. for some reason a lot of parents let repressed resentment towards their children bubble up inside them

realistically though i dont think joyce WOULD tell her mom. it feels like a show bit or sketch for joyce to have to explain to mac that he has to deadname and misgender her when they go to her moms house and mac to be totally lost for most of it.

if anything she would only come out to her mom for convenience so she doesnt have to make sure mac wont gender her properly accidentally and start a whole thing. but thatd still be such a hassle

[thecapricunt1616]

luca was serving more for me this season than carmy was and frankly, as much as it hurts my sydcarmy heart to say this, i would fine if luca and sydney ended up together

obviously i'm still holding out for sydcarmy but i genuinely don't know what storer has in store (haha pun intended) anymore considering the way he framed their relationship

but idk, what are your thoughts?

Ohhhhhhh anon - DO I HAVE THOUGHTS FOR YOU!!! Luca became the LOML this season, He is so calm and - what was that BS that Carmy said about Claire? Ohhh yes!! LUCA is Peace :))) As well as Marcus, I would love to be friends with Marcus. He is WAY too well adjusted for that kitchen thats for sure.

I am holding out for SydCarmy until the show is literally over because this season feels like it could be one of a few things more btc

A: (most likely what happened) This show was never meant to be a romance. But, after S1- and all the fans being like 'wow, idk if its just the actors butttt...Syd&Carmy are cute! And would be a great couple!!' and in the writers room , Chris said- that is it. This is endgame for the show, we will work it in to the 3 seasons we already have outlined. So come season 2 , sydcarmy is ITTTT it is it. Like - we all know this, sydcarmy is IT, everyone goes NUTS and loves it and Storer wasnt ready to see just how much we pay attention to the symbolism that isnt blatant (since with basically any other show out there people dont look as deep into it for symbology as the bear fans do because storer films it a certain way it attracts a certain crowd) - he got mad. he literally got mad that we figured him out. so like a baby he went "NO. WWWAAAHHH I WANTED IT TO BE A SUPRISE LIKE IT WAS MY IDEA IN THE FIRST PLACE!" and shit all over it. Hm. Someone who has something great going for them, and then as soon as it starts actually going great - they SHIT ON IT AND RUIN IT FOR THEMSELF who does this sound like? Someone I think they go by...bear?

B: Second most likely, WILLFUL MISDIRECTION!!!! This was supposed to happen. I kinda knew things would get worse before they got better, but I didn't know THAT much worse. The more I think about it, Carmy wasnt OOC this season - EVERYONE ELSE WAS except for maybe Marcus? Which is CRAZY because the only one that SHOULD be OOC right now IS MARCUS BECAUSE HIS MOTHER DIED!!!! Carmy is turning into his old boss. Point blank period. So his behavior if anything is a tad bit tame. The smoking thing was out of left field I'm still trying to understand that one, but yea. This was purposeful misdirection, because syd needs to be broken down so she can realize why she really isnt leaving (hint- she feels something for carmy past platonic) carmy is still trying to romantisize claire in his head which is why were always seeing them make out. his family keeps bugging him about it and telling him that he needs to be with her so hes trying to make himself see it (he cant he tried in the freezer and can't see her that way.)

C: (least likely) they have 0 idea what theyre doing. sydcarmy isnt romantic, every writer in that room is on drugs or simply stupid, and claire and carmy are somehow meant to be????? when he literally doesnt like her and its so clear.

anywho im going down with this ship. i prefer my blue lotus fic storyline where carmy goes to therapy before this point and doesn't spiral and ruin everything :))) and admits his feelings to syd!!!

[imaginespazzi]

Bestie, I have returned to the "yap zone"🗣️

Hope youre feeling all the way better by now! And credit to you for still gifting us with a great GH chapter amidst illness. Hooray for the heartwarming resolution portion :). Though other readers & I are already dreading it being completed.

Been a hot minute, so prepare for a passel of my random thoughts in terms of a hoops recap: CWBB - Man did I enjoy watching S. Car/LSU. Was sad that UMD wasnt healthy for their matchup with UCLA. But was an entertaining weekend + Monday with a number of upsets (plus some near ones)! Vandy finally got theirs and the Vols lose yet another toughie. Unrivaled - Sigh, Mist remain the lovable losers. Plenty of factors at play impacting things, but it still blows my mind they havent stolen one win by now. Though fair to say this particular 3x3 is just an unforgiving format. Personal fav game of the last week was probably Owls taking down Vinyl (yay)! Battle of undefeateds on Fri should be good 👏.

Ok and this sudden, significant player movement in the W has been wild - Im def still processing a little. 😵‍💫 Thoughts? feelings? Future predictions? Cant decide whether Im more surprised w Plum or Griner deal. Failing figure out why Kelsey would pick the Sparks (they just have org/front office stuff to improve, lets be real). Maybe a style of play match short term? Nor do I see exactly how she helps them massively either, especially given the high draft pick now gone. Curious to see what Storm will do with #2 now! And Brittney just took me off guard w ATL given the lack of connection to the place, and the fact that its seemingly a step down from Phx's org. Feeling a bit bad for Tash being collateral after she jumped there.. (she'll always be a Mystic to me anyway)

Now you know my feeling is Loutea > Louzzi, but I just appreciate getting the cute content w her, so thank you Azzi. (And hey really what am I supposed to do about the fact that nice brown eyes are my #1 weakness 💁‍♀️..)

Now some miscellaneous pazzi centric content for your & everyones entertainment:

https://www.tumblr.com/bballlvr8/773867970010185728/aww-thanks-anon?source=share

https://www.tumblr.com/mygaynesshasnolimits/773693036846776320/quarterback-paige-bueckers-if-only-this-went-in?source=share

https://www.tumblr.com/iloveuconnwbb35/773601816895176704/jesslovesswbb-on-tiktok?source=share

https://www.tumblr.com/pazzi4lifee/773513652105084928/cuties?source=share

https://www.tumblr.com/azzibuckets/773587603015467008/if-yall-dont-just-sit-your-asses-next-to-each?source=share

Happy 🐪 day!

-☕️

Bestie welcomeeeee back

Awww you're too kind my love <3

Okay great day to yap about SEC hoops actually because yes LSU/SCAR was great but can we talk about Vanderbilt, but especially Mikaylah Blakes??? 53 POINTS??? She's insane your honor and that's my SEC FOY AND POY.

It's insane what's happening with the Mist. Like so much talent but NOTHING? ZERO? Seriously?? Definitely a coaching issue and some injury shit there but it's still so damn questionable like what is going on.

WNBA free agency is free angecy-ing. Pure chaos and pure cinema and it feels like there's something new everyday and honestly barely anything is making sense to me. Speaking of Griner and ATL, I'm so confused what that frontcourt is gonna look like with Brionna Jones there too now? It just feels so crowded and ion get why?

Ugh thank you for the crumbs as per always. They just make me wanna giggle and cry and scream I adore them your honor.

[the-whispers-of-death]

AHHSGHD pleasantly surprised that the random loosely connected thoughts are well received lmao, considering the way i write is all over the place and very very loosey goosey (esp at 2am... which was the time i sent that ask in)

anyways the thoughts be thoughting right now and. hm. yknow the whole concept of "human ascends into godhood"? what if that happened to mafia!reader? that'd be a cool concept to play around with i think

maybe this happens after criminal!stone has already gotten overly attached to reader and basically worships him as is. and then the reader doesnt show up in the office space of the compound one morning... strange, right?

maybe stone kicks down the door after not getting any response, just barely hearing pained gasps. probably thinks this is like a heart attack, with reader sweating and clutching at his body.

i feel like the transformation is painful. its unnatural, it isnt *supposed* to happen to humans. to *anyone*

maybe reader made like a deal with a demon, maybe it was some other forces. or maybe its a sick type of revenge by the ghosts that haunt him daily. but no matter whats the cause, it *hurts* and it *burns* and its completely changing the body and the mind.

maybe reader is rushed to the medbay on the property. maybe *nothing* is helping, nothing is going the way it should, no painkillers can help, they cant even put him in a medical coma to soothe the pain that way

maybe it last a day, a week. month, maybe? doesnt really matter. but during this time, reader changes so much hes unrecognizable.

im fond of the idea of reader maybe being around 5'9ish, so stone is the taller one. but that suddenly changing after this. what if hes ridiculously tall after this. 7 feet, maybe? i dunno.

how do we feel about hooves? fangs and claws? maybe a tail and horns? just small changes to the body to symbolize the loss of his humanity. reader cant easily hide this now, so he has to face it head on. face that he now stands out *so* much in a crowd. face how the reflection isnt *him* anymore

id love to know how stone would feel, but i struggle to get into his mind in this scenario. guilt, maybe? i mean, yeah, probably guilt. he cant do anything! his dearly beloved is in inhuman amounts of pain and he cant do anything!

the existence of godhood implies magic, and magic implies a LOT of fun stuff. maybe reader uses a cloaking spell to at least *look* human. to look like how he used to. but like all magic, its draining. even gods get tired. it takes a lot more for it to happen, but it still does

in short what im saying is hurt/comfort but taken to the next level. how does our dearly beloved worshiper comfort a *god*? what works? what *helps*? massaging the base of the horns? oh fuck nope thats a growl directed at him, onto the next thing we go.

maybe reader turns the entire compound into his temple, all of the goons his worshipers, but stone at the very forefront of it all? yeah. YEAHHH i like that a lot actually

idk i just think humans becoming inhuman is neat :) esp when its awful and suffering-inducing :3

~ xoxo, rusty (he/him)

These were truly such an amazing, magical thoughts to read. Forget Criminal!Stone worshipping Mafia Boss!Reader, I'm worshipping you.

Criminal!Stone would still worship you, hell he'd be like "Your newly divine form is testament to the fact that you were, are, and will always be a god." It was painful to watch you go through that transformation and not be able to do anything, but now he's working on ways to become an even better worshipper.

Stone figures out how to comfort you in this divine form, he ensures the compound, your temple, is taken care of and is fit for the god you are. He ensures the rest of your followers (your goons) are just as reverent as he is, that they stay in line. No one dares to oppose you now.

And he adores how you're taller than him now.

[plural-culture-is]

i fear that i may be a system in denial or something along those lines.

for years of my life, ive struggled with three voices in my head, dissociation, derealization, depersonalization, way-too-over-the-top delusions, hallucinations here and there, and never feeling like who im supposed to be. a few months ago, i thought that it could have to do with undiagnosed schizophrenia or some type of schizo-related disorder (because of the delusions and hallucinations). but recently, ive noticed that these things are all getting worse.

there are more voices. its no longer just the three. and i feel like i should know these voices, even though i dont. they're still strangers to me.

my struggles with dissociation, derealization, and depersonalization have gotten worse---especially the derealization and depersonalization.

my main delusion has been growing stronger and stronger, becoming more and more severe. (though the strength of it tends to vary, so...)

nothing's gone on with the hallucinations. at least, i dont think so. i haven't been paying attention.

and my feelings of never feeling "right" or "correct" have gotten so much stronger. i cant go ten minutes without thinking, is this who i really am? am i faking who i am? if im faking my identity, who am i really? why dont i know who i truly am? will i ever learn who i truly am? am i the only one who cant figure out who they are? why do i never feel like im my true self? why do i always faking who i am? how do i act like my true self? does my true self even exist at this point? and et cetera.

i dont think im a system. i dont want to be a system. i dont want to be plural. i already struggle enough with my neurodevelopmental and physical disabilities. i already struggle enough my mental health and with trauma. i dont need the struggles of having did or osdd or something related. i dont want the struggles, either.

but the more and more i research did for my system character in one of my books, i find more that i can relate to. as i mentioned earlier, i used to think that i might be schizophrenic due to my delusions and hallucinations. but just the other day as i was doing more research about did for my character, i found out that its possible for systems and plurals to often struggle with those things. and my brain went down a deep rabbit hole, like, well fuck shit balls, could i possibly be plural? did my trauma fuck me up that much???

as i went down that rabbit hole, i realized that i dont remember a lot of my childhood. i remember a few specific memories, most of which are either traumatic or just funny memories that ive told as stories numerous times. other than that, i know next to nothing. i also have times where i cant remember shit about anything. my name, my age, my address, what schools ive gone to, what school i go to now, what i did ten hours ago, what i did five seconds ago, et cetera. ive also noticed that im constantly remembering those things wrong. "how old are you?" someone could ask. "im thirteen years old," ill say, then correct myself, "no, wait, im x years old." ive even said that im seven years old when im in fact much older than that. people could ask me, "what's your name?" and ill answer with something that's not my name. could be a nickname from school, a nickname from the many summer camps ive gone to, my pen name for my books, or a random name in general. and there are so many examples that i could give.

back to my doing research stuff for my character, i was going through one website when i found an infographic. it was a simple thing; just five common symptoms of dissociative identity disorder. it listed...

~ inability to remember large portions of your childhood

~ out-of-body experiences, hallucinations, and/or flashbacks

~ suicidal thoughts or self-harm

~ differences in handwriting and changing levels of functioning

~ episodes of memory loss

if i dont experience them now, ive experienced all of them before. the first one, i just mentioned. the second one happens all of the fucking time. the third one happens on a daily basis. the first half of the fourth i haven't really noticed, but the second half is very true. and i just talked about the fifth one.

i dont know if i just have some type of dissociative disorder or im just crazy. but i cant get it out of my head that i might be a system or a system in early development. (dont really know how to explain what i mean by "in early development," but ill try to: what i mean is that im in the early developing stages where dissociation starts happening frequently and alters start forming, but switches arent possible yet.) that or ive been forcing myself---if i am plural and in denial---to act like a normal person, just like ive been doing with autism and adhd.

do you have any advice on how to figure out if im a system or not??? i dont have access to a therapist or psychologist due to my parents not believing in mental illness and things like that.

sorry, we've just stopped accepting am I plural asks, so this one goes out to the public

also, here's our resources for questioning systems

[pantaloner34]

SCARA’S SLIGHT MOMMY ISSUES HEADCANON

▫️(it’s slightly mention of mommy issues)

▫️(its angst)

▫️(TW: mentions of self harm)

———————————————

Scara was known for being pretty clever and good at school, well at least to you… you saw him as a popular guy, who doesn’t really care about it all that much. You saw him more of an introverted and clever, even if his grades weren’t always perfect. You knew him, but never talked to him as he was always so busy with his own things and if he did hang out or talk to people they were mostly totally different types of people than you are.

But at akademiya you were assigned to have a project with Scara and that made you happy yet nervous. The project is pretty important as it’s for your final’s, it could take months to finish it but that was fine by you as you had all this time to work on it and now with Him. He approached you with his usual look but his eyes seemed to be slightly less open than usual. He looked done. Scara sat next to you as he was assigned to work with you and looked at you directly into your eyes and sight “well, i already saw you looking at me before… this better be a good grade, ok?” You could only simply nod to him and listen to your professor talk about each subject of everyone’s projects.

Even if you didn’t talked to him before, even if you knew he might not like you, you knew him and his name, you got your sources and found stuff about him before and thats why you were so happy now, you might even get to know more.

After months of working on this project with scara, you got kinda closer, he invited you to his place and you to yours, sometimes you even went out to eat together, yet still to talk about the project.

As you found out little details about him you couldn’t help but to smile at times, but all through this time you knew he was sad. You knew he had alot of stuff going on and you tried your best to be helpful and that happy energetic person around him even if he kinda found it annoying at times.

Night before the finals at the akademiya you tried to find him, to see how he’s doing as you saw he was mentally worse day by day. You tried to look at his place but he was not there, you looked around the school, he was not there, you tried looking at the library, shops, fast food stalls, restaurants, everywhere, you couldn’t find him. WHERE DID HE GO? DID HE HURT HIMSELF? DID HE RUN AWAY? WHAT AM I GOING TO DO? Your mind was full of worries and questions, but as you were about to tear up from all this stress you see a cigarette smoke coming up from the top of a abandoned building and a small figure looking up to the sky. When you saw that it was Scara you ran towards him, you ran up to that building and when you came to the top you just stood there looking at him trying to catch some air, breathing loudly and just looking at him noticing and observing whats going on, you saw stuff you shouldn’t have, you saw his red eyes that were still watery, you saw his hands that were full of small cuts and blood, you tried to look away but his blood couldn’t stop coming from his new freshly cut flesh and after all, his expression. You felt guilty, the guilt felt even worse as you saw his eyes widen, you saw that his face spoke “you shouldn’t have come, you shouldn’t have seen me like that… please” he seemed just so disappointed but looking at you back he knew he cant undo what you seen now. His mind was full of regrets and guilt as well all he was thinking was, SHIT THEY FOUND ME… AM I. WHY AM I SO STUPID, I SHOULD HAVE DONE IT AT HOME. THEY PROBABLY THINK AM JUST.. I MEAN I AM…JUST A DISAPPOINTMENT NOW.

He took another drag of his cigarette and than look away from you. His voice was cold and seemed as if he tried to cover the fact that he will break down in any second “what are you doing here. Leave”

Were you supposed to leave? No. As he saw you come closer he couldn’t help but to feel embarrassed and discomfort but he didn’t say anything, he slowly felt your hand caressing his own cuts which broke him, that you now have his own blood on your hands just to make him feel better, he didn’t look at you because he felt his tears coming back, he teared down and wiped his tears with his other hand.

“Thank you, y/n” thats all you could hear him say, in his now more softer voice. He felt your hand caressing him and through time he slowly got closer to you and looked at you as he asked you “it might sound weird, but why are you so nice to me? Do you genuinely want to help me or is it because you feel the need to help me?

His question was stupid to you and as you told him that you genuinely care for him he slightly smiled and he tried to cuddle up to you yet in still distant way. He closes his eyes and throws the cigarette away, he wants to feel your gentle and genuine affection as much as his body can. Even if he was in tears, he felt safe, he felt like he can trust you, he knew you for some time now and saw what person you are. That you didn’t judge him as you saw him bleeding out. He felt warmth and he felt comfortable, but all of those feelings made him silently cry even more as he didn’t receive them in such long time. You stroking through his hair made him think of it how would it feel if his mother ever did that, if his mom would be there for him as she created him, his memory was full of unsureness, but being caressed made me think of his mom, wishing for his mom to come and show him affection to show him he loves him, to show him that she is proud of him, to show him that he belongs somewhere and he has somewhere to go but his void in his chest hurt it hurt him that he will never ever experience any type of motherly love. WHY DOES IT HAVE TO BE ME, WHY COULDNT I JUST BE DESTROYED IF SHE DIDN’T LIKE HE OWN CREATION. MAKING ME FEEL THIS FEELING IS WHAT IS CRULE… KILLLING ME… WOULD BE FAR MORE BETTER.

He cried silently but didn’t want to let you know that, he felt cold, he felt sad and alone, crying now into your arms made him feel shy but all comfort hurt him more, all this made him cry more. He was a mess, he didn’t know if he is feeling anger or sadness or does he feel something more complicated, but does it really matter? All he knew was, that he wanted to belong somewhere, to be someone. All your precious fingers caressing him made him more sad and more miserable but through time hearing your heartbeat, hearing your voice speaking something he couldn’t clearly hear and your touch. Your gentle fingers start to feel nice on his back, start to feel comforting and lovingly in not a so sad way anymore. He felt like he can get closer and as he looked up at you with his pretty desperate eyes and said quietly “can we stay like that for some time, please” you guys stayed cuddling together and you kept on caressing him through the night, even if he couldn’t get it enough.

When the next day arrived and you saw him, he felt so embarrassed and awkward. He was back to being cold but he seemed to be more soft around you but he still said “let’s forget about yesterday, okay?” After you two passed the finals he took you out for lunch and this time he seemed like as if he sees you as part of his family. He even says it and you couldn’t help but to smile and told him that you here for him.

————————————

▫️(I hope its okay :,))

[chirpbudgie]

gidget angst. set a while post-rtaos.

cw for: emeto (not explicitly described), disassociation, past trauma. mention of weight loss, but it’s not meant to signify an e.d.

It’s the little things that come when you least expect it.

He just wanted to look at pictures of fish.

It feels exponentially harder to breath and tears have already begun to fall.

Don’t make him mad, he doesn’t come unless it’s serious, always the serious room

He does his best to blink away the image of a concrete floor (was the room always this dim?) and probably succeeds in speed-dialing.

he’s spiraling, what is he supposed to do he cant remember he can never remember its his fault please dont be mad

ground yourself how does he do that? he tries to picture the conversation with dr joy but its all blurry fuck he hates blurry faces

he gasps and clutches the table at the bout of nausea. there’s a distant clatter. he can’t make a mess, he’ll be in trouble he’s not supposed to

he doesn’t make it more than a few steps. he crumples to the floor.

(the rest doesn’t make sense in his head.)

“Welcome back, poppet.”

Gidget blinks slowly, trying to get the world back into focus.

“I’ve got you, shh.” A hand scratches at the nape of his neck and it feels nice. He knows the voice from somewhere. There’s footsteps, someone else in the Parable? He can’t see anything, it’s too bright; maybe out-of-bounds?

“Leigh, could you turn the lights off?” Leigh, he knows that name. That’s his friend. He hopes they’re friends. Is there a way you’re supposed to make it official?

The room gets darker and he can see again. He knows the face in front of him, but he can’t figure out

Oh.

“Are you going to throw up again?” The Narrator’s voice is gentle, like he’s made of glass. He feels like he’s made of glass too.

He nods. He flinches.

“Don’t try to stop it, dear.” A bin is held up for him.

And he weeps.

The Narrator rubs his back the whole time, even wipes his face and offers tissues when he’s done. It’s almost enough to make him tear up again.

“How are you feeling?” The fluffy man finally asks. They both know Gidget will likely be out of commission for the rest of the day.

{Like death eating a bologna sandwich,} he manages to sign.

His Narrator can’t stifle a laugh at the nonsense comparison. Gidget smiles too. It makes him feel a little better. Anything would make him feel a little better right now.

“Let’s get you comfortable, dear.” The Narrator helps him out from under the table. Gidget stumbles and has to lean on him, but they make it to the couch. The soreness in his fingers from gripping something is beginning to fade.

(The fuzzy feeling snuck up on him. His brain feels like cotton balls, trying and failing to compartmentalize. And in reality, the stumbling was his knees trembling like a baby deer taking its first steps.)

He snuggles up next to his Narrator. Leigh (his friend! his friend is here too!) appears and helps him drink some water. He didn’t realize how thirsty he was until his hands were on the cup and began to spill it. He whines when it’s pulled away.

“Don’t drink so fast, you’ll hurt your stomach,” his Narrator scolds with no malice. “Take a deep breath with me, love bug.”

Gidget follows along a few times before he’s allowed to drink again. It doesn’t do much to clear his head, but he heeds the warning this time. And still spills.

(He always insists on trying to hold the cup, and it always ends up badly. Maybe Gidget has been looking at sippy cups, but only because he likes the colors. No other reason. He swears his hands aren’t this shaky normally.)

“What are we ever going to do with you,” The Narrator sighs with a smile. Gidget holds his arm so he can pet the man-shaped being’s sweater. It’s the one he really likes when he’s sensory-seeking.

(And Gidget loves to be taken care of. He’s too shy to admit it, but it shows in vulnerable moments like these. Dr. Joy has given him a “diagnosis” on what and why exactly he gets like this, but it’s a little too embarrassing to share. It’s healthier than disassociation, she assured, but it’s hard to separate the two when they’re together.)

“Leigh?” Gidget still isn’t very good at speaking and gets stuck, so it sounds more like ‘luh.’ His point seems to come across just fine, though.

“Leigh will be back in a minute, he wanted to get your blanket,” he soothes.

Gidget yawns at the reminder. He’s feeling a little extra tired, so it must be almost time for his afternoon nap.

He’s covered in a soft weight suddenly and feels himself begin to drift. But he lifts his head a little; there’s this one thing…

His Narrator presses a kiss to his forehead and Gidget’s insides feels like cotton candy. Or, like, a cat purring. It’s a good, warm feeling.

(By now, Leigh has expertly confined him to a weighted blanket burrito. He’s much easier to hold onto, and nobody is happy when Gidget rolls himself off the couch.)

And Gidget is content to doze, head rested on his Narrator’s chest to feel the vibration of his voice and squished into a stanley-sandwich by his friend.

“No, he hasn’t been triggered like that since we first met. I’ve never seen him this lucid after a panic attack… it took him so long to relax.”

“I thought so too. I wish he met his original narrator under better circumstances.”

“I’d like to get him weighed later, he’s much too light and his sensitive stomach isn’t doing him any favors. …Oh dear, he is rather pale, isn’t he?”

(But Gidget won’t remember those snippets of conversation when he wakes half an hour later.)

[overlordchris]

.

Well well well, here we are. December. It’s almost over. 2024 is tied (maybe even over the threshold) with being the worst year of my life.

I heard someone describe this year as being very slow and very quick at the same time. I can’t help but feel the same way. I have had so many unexpected life changes that still feel so fresh, but it’s technically not even been 9 months since it all fell apart.

How has it only been 8 months? At the same time, how is it already December?

I feel like I’ve just been stuck for the past few weeks now. I don’t feel any better mentally or emotionally. I still feel betrayed and abandoned by everyone I held to be the important people in my life. Never have I felt this alone.

I think that’s why it feels like time has moved so slowly, the loneliness. I just don’t have anything to do. Every time I get into my car I just think back on memories of us together, setting out for some mundane errand or some grand adventure. Every place I go outside of this apartment is stained with memories of a better time. A time when I still had a best friend. A time I had friends period.

I was ready to start the next chapter of my life, and I suppose I did, it just wasn’t how I foresaw the story playing out.

It’s some pretty bad writing if you ask me. I was working on me, to be better for both you and me. I had done so much work and put so much effort in doing anything I could to help repair something I knew was breaking, even though what had been broken had been swept under the rug.

Why was it not worth it? Why was I not worth it? Why has it never been worth it? How could you spend the time you did, say the things you said, know the things you knew, but still just ignore and deny and push out of sight out of mind?

That’s where you left me, just lost and confused. I never wanted to you to live a life of regret. I never wanted this exact thing to happen. But at the very least, I had hoped that if it did, at the very very least we could try to work things out? Not necessarily to end up stronger together, but to figure out if there was anything to salvage? To get on the same page? To figure out what you actually wanted and if we could get there together or not?

I feel like I don’t know what love is and that scares me. I thought I knew, but, in the end you had lied to my face every day for at least 6 months. I thought it was being there for each other, through thick and thin. Through sickness and health. But as time moves on, all I am seeing is that the hard times only led to you wanting to run. When I would cry out for help and support, your answer was “I don’t know how to help” or shutting down, or just running away. Those things feel so wrong to me. The opposite of what I believe love to be. But here I am. In the end I was wrong. What would have been right?

Perhaps I’ve forgotten, but it feels like I still don’t really understand. How did things change? Why did they change? How did you fall out of love?

That’s all I really know. That’s the only truthful thing I was able to gather. I wanted to respect your choices, I wanted you to want me. But in the end you didn’t. Yet as I lay here, writing my thoughts out, I just can’t seem to remember the why. I have my guesses, but it’s an answer I ultimately cant confirm without an answer from the source.

You “fell out of love with me” but what does that mean? You grew a crush on someone else and you didn’t feel guilt, yet you attempted to hide it from me. How was that not guilt?

You said we “didn’t have anything in common” yet I look back on 10 years of experiences, activities, and all I see were the mutual interests and conversations we had about them. Were those things all lies?

I “didn’t like shopping” which you saw as being antithetical to what you wanted. A relationship like what your grandparents have, where they can do errands together like going to the store and just exist in that same space. I am sorry I don’t enjoy activities I consider work. I don’t think it was my dislike for the activity so much as it was you asking for something you needed that you couldn’t voice in a clear way. I don’t know what that need was, and I don’t think I’ll ever know.

These were the things you said to me that resulted in us coming to an end. But I still don’t understand. What from those things can you point to and say was the nail in the coffin? The no turning back from? I don’t have the answers and that’s just been wreaking havoc on me.

I could understand if you listed my faults. Things I know you didn’t like, or perhaps annoyed you, but none of those things ever made that list. Things I battled with and spent years trying to overcome, alone btw, but knew if I didn’t try, alone or not, it would for sure only cause heartache for the both of us. They still did cause heartache, but it could have been worse. With support, I think they could have been overcome, but there’s only so much I could do alone.

The obvious: the depression and anxiety.

The less obvious but still present: my low social battery, insecurity, and growing disinterest in media.

The who knows but I still was working on: my shyness, awkwardness, and chronic pain

None of these things were given as reasons; things I could at least understand. But all I was given was a lie we had nothing in common, a vague “I fell out of love”, and a cryptic “you don’t like going shopping with me”.

I don’t know how to get my point across any clearer than this when I say how can 10 years of existence together just end without a definitive reason? What happened? Why didn’t you try to talk about it?

It’s over. No going back. I have a problem with black and white thinking, but I don’t see how there’s any gray here. One of the most hurtful things you said to me was that you’d rather risk spending the rest of your life never finding what you’re looking for than continue being with me. Ignoring the fact of how much that sentence stings, neither of us know what you’re even looking for! All this tell me is that whatever it is, I wasn’t it. So… if I was so antithetical to what you wanted, why were we together for a third of our lives?

This is why I’m so confused still. I don’t know how to even begin to move on when I still don’t know why it ended. How do I trust I won’t make the same mistakes when I don’t know what the mistakes were? How can I express love when my way of doing so only ended driving you away?

I don’t want to say it would be impossible for us to ever reunite. It would take something pretty big and grand on your end, because even now I still long for you. But I don’t think that’ll ever happen. It would have to be something that could restore a trust you destroyed. It would have to be a truthful desire to have me as part of your life. It would have to be something you’d fight for. My history with you has painted a picture of you as someone who wouldn’t do these things. That’s how I know it’s over for good. Not even I could bounce back from what happened and move past it. Trust is one of, if not the most important thing for me in any relationship. Whatever could be done to repair that would have to erase doubt from my mind forever.

“Time heals all wounds” blah blah blah. Yes, it’s true, but with time both zooming towards the one year mark, yet all the time thus far only being 8 months, I just feel stuck right now. Not sure what happened, not sure where I’m going. I’m not sure I know what I want, or if I can even trust myself should anything even come my way. In many ways I was starved of a lot of things especially in the latter half of our time together. Someone showing even the slightest interest makes my brain constantly fire “gimmie gimme gimme” and I can totally see me being blind to potential red flags or signs something isn’t meant to be. On the flip side, I can’t help but think no one can be interested in me. That there is something fundamentally wrong with me. That I’m not lovable. That I’m grotesque, too weird, or just irreparable.

I just want to be happy. It’s something I’ve wanted my entire life. I have moments, yeah, but my baseline is just below neutral. I’ve been fighting that for over half my life now but it’s not something that’ll ever go away. But still, while I continue to fight, I just hope someday someone can help. Not cure me or fight for me, but to help stand me back up when I fall down. I’m so tired and I just need someone to lean on. I used to say you were my rock because in times I was overwhelmed, you were there to help keep me grounded. But learning that you never wanted to be that, that turning to you and asking for help or support only made you want to run away, it has darkened my outlook that I’ll ever find someone I can turn to in those hard moments.

I don’t know. I started writing this cause it was 6pm and had nothing to do. Now it’s 8:30pm and I could write more, but I think it’ll just be me repeating myself or blaming others for how I am. Neither thing I want to do. So, that’s all.

[rainbowgod666]

This. This is a point that should be brought up as much as possible

Look, i get it. I was born in

F i v e

and my autism meant that i saw the world differenti as a kid. A girl wanted to play soccer? She looks kinda bulky. Lets put her in either defense or as a goalkeeper! Gay people? I mean its weird. But they're not harming anybody so whats the deal if theyre different?

And then i grew up

And my best life years were sweeped by COVID-19

I saw family memebers die or get ill, but mostly nothing bad happened

We all have our internalized trauma, im lucky 95% of it is just me looking at them and going "yeah i need to go to the psychiatrist" and the reaction is always "dude how much anxiety is there (points at me) and why?", its really healthy i swear

Started doing analysis on "adults" and the result was always the same

Constantly screaming regardless of mood. They look at your/others toys and go "so much money spent...". You try doing anything on the PC/Phone? Its harmful! But alas, they never explain why. And even when they do, they dont seem to "make a point", so to speak. You never know for WHAT theyre gonna get angry, but after all this time the protocol is the same: Assume they will get mad. They never do when they should anyway

Adults are almost "backwards" in a way. Maybe its my personal experiences but i LITERALLY almost cannot imagine for the life of me two adults talking WITHOUT screaming at eachother like dogs.

Its TIRING. Ok? Like yeah I gotta do homework and all that but after im done WHAT, exactly, should i do? Like i can do some errands to "get my ass up from that chair" (which kinda makes sense, luckily for them) but after that? "Draw a little bit" yeah sure, but heres the thing. ALL THE THINGS I WANNA DRAW ARE SET AS "WORK", im not "playing" anymore, no its classified as "work" so you finally

Shut Up.

This is why "the current generation" listens to you in any way. Because we all collectively want the adults to Shut Up And Sit Near Us While Were Playing. This isnt limited to families! Look at america in LITERALLY ANY WAY, even just- taking a fucking compass and figuring out Where Is America According To Where I Am, and what do you see?

Violence, and all scholars here at tumblr can attest to the "Violence for Violence is the Rule Of Beasts". We are DESPERATE.

The common Man is ANXIOUS when it shouldnt. Look at all those posts that say "we may be lazy pieces of shit, but to our ancestors we are all the highest of kings" and think to yourself: How, and i can't stress this enough, The Fuck did we end up like this? You may reference the "mouse utopia" experiment but other than that the material is pretty fucking sparse

We all have had those times at school with yugioh/bakugan/beyblade

Where are they now.

Huh?

...

E x a c t l y .

Not to reference H:TP, but we're sick and in pain. We literally cant do this anymore. Growing up was supposed to be either cool or Just A Thing That Happens. But now?

Its that one scene in rick and morty where theyre having a massive breakdown, and that scene describes how puberty has been going for what im guessing is Anybody Young Enough to Be Almost Out Of It. Its already annoying that youre more hormones than human at that point, but nowdays? The world is an endless tornado of crack crap and malfunctioning "head honchos" that might as well have no heads at all! Its the downward spiral that EmpLemon talks about (its kind of his thing anyway like mine is being an all-encompassing stain on all fandoms that i know of) and yet, AND YET-!

Nobody is doing ANYTHING ever. We have problems like inequality global warming and all that, and the supposed "best state" is contorting itself into the reason there is a Separation Of Church And State section in the "how to make a country" rulebook because they think that "undesirables" (either LGBTQ people or addicts that genuinely want some help) want to turn their children into undesirables

Ironic. The "think of the children" motto is exactly the one thing we shouldnt have done to those poor kids.

They will live sheltered, unhealthy lives where their every whim is fulfilled regardless of what it IS. And once they go out in the real world they will think the others are the weird ones just because they dont bow to them. Even more ironic is this entire thing boils over into the concept of the Karen. A hateful being that is entitled to everything, but alas she is just what happens when a spoiled child isnt "fixed"

Do we... deserve this?

Is humanity just THAT fucked up, or we still have a chance... no because- i have looked at america for a long time. The so called "patriots" are some of the foulest people imaginable, and yet the "debauched godless deviants" are just guys that are Plainer Than White Bread but oh they have a rainbow pin so theyre gonna go to megalovania super hyperspace radioactive hell or something

The chain is gradual and month-based

For adults is perfect child - whining teen - useless adult

"My childhood was so awesome. Kids today don't even know!"

Isn't a flex.

It's a lament.

More people should understand that.

[everything-i-couldnt-tell-u]

i dont know if i really just got lost in you since i dont really talk to anyone else and im stuck at home being chronically online. i dont know if i just couldnt live without pouring my love onto someone and you were the only one available before. but i guess im not really that done grieving yet and i still get affected by it every once in a while.

i cant figure out what my problem is and why i still feel like it's killing me. im finding it hard to remember why i even loved you. i think the main reason why i did love you before was because i haven't felt safe in anyone or anywhere as much as i did with you. but that was only before. i wanted to keep believing that i'd feel safe with you once again if i'd wait a little longer and if i tried letting myself get vulnerable. i wanted to keep hoping and staying cause those moments before with you were the only times i actually felt i could feel safe in this cruel world. but the more i tried hoping, the more it only got proven to me that i'll never really feel that anymore. the more i try believing, the more i just disappoint myself and get hurt.

even though you already said you never meant any of those, they still kept adding up. i really dont know if im just blind and i only keep seeing those things, but they still scare me so much. i still suddenly get scared and paranoid when i accidentally talk about myself in front of you cause what good has that done for me in the past? whenever i tried saying or tweeting things wishing you would care even just a bit before but i'd get a notif of you replying to my other tweets cause you saw something wrong about me that you could nag. it killed me every time that happened even though it sounds so stupid. maybe it's not rational to make my judgement based on that but i dont really know anymore. i dont like asking people directly cause words ive heard are always either empty or lies. ive tried talking about my interests twice in your dms the past month but you sounded dry so i never tried that again. im not gonna risk it.

i dont know if im just connecting dots that aren't supposed to be connected like the paranoid and overthinking loser i am. from the very first time you've broken my trust, what you did made me feel like i was someone you looked down on. but i tried ignoring that cause you said you didnt intend to humiliate me. however when you kept nagging me, it opened that old scar again. im sorry if i sound like im just bringing it up but thats not what im doing here if ever you think of it that way. like i said, i dont have any problem with getting called out but too much of it made me feel like you see me as someone who can't do anything good. the way how you're able to express it so easily when you're angry at me made it hard to remember if you really said anything about liking me for who i am. i cant remember if you even did or if i just made up things in my head. i cant remember it anymore cause what if i was just lying to myself that you cared? and whenever you said you cared, what was it even about me that you cared about? what if you only cared about the love i gave you but not me myself? to be honest i never really believed it when you said you care cause your actions made me feel the opposite. it did feel like you care about my flaws, my mental and emotional instability, but how about the good things about me? do you care about those too? but okay im sorry i was never your responsibility. i cant force you to care about those things. and it's not like you would gain anything good for caring about someone like me.

what if i just started seeing things that were never there out of my stupid desperation. maybe you cared before, but not anymore? i've shown you too much of my worst parts and im scared you only see me like that now. how am i supposed to believe what you said about how you cant show people when you love them, how am i gonna believe what i cant see and what i can barely feel, how can you expect me to believe that? do you really just cant show it or do you just have nothing to show? the way you always found wrong things about me to point out before combined with what you said that you cant show that you appreciate me reminded me of both my parents, the combination of the two persons in this world i feel the least safe with. both of them cant control their mouths when they're angry too. but i guess thats normal and i cant really expect people to do what i do. people will only really control their anger if they cared enough about someone and still make time to be considerate. but that was the last straw. i know it's not your goddamn fault and im really just unlucky.

its still my fault for hoping and wanting too much so i guess fate did its job again and it had to remind me of something unbearable so i'd finally stop. i was stubborn for craving something i know i wont be allowed to get from you. it had to hurt me this much just for me to finally stop and its funny.

i never really wanted you to reciprocate the love i gave, but i wish you could've at least handled it properly. i dont really need anything else since im burying my old self. ill just accept it and face that i wont get what i wanted from you, cause first of all i never had the right. and since im burying him anyway, it no longer matters to me if you cared or not. i dont wanna keep crying over those things anymore cause it's not doing me any good. i dont wanna bother you any longer about those things as well. im sure you're sick of my long paragraphs already. and i know youre done with my drama. i already said im putting those aside so ill make sure i do.

i only agreed with starting over but never about letting my old self reconcile with you cause i cant afford that, i cant afford to let his dumbass get hurt again. no offense regarding the things ive said above and if it's not reasonable for me to have those conclusions cause i havent really seen everything you've done for me, but that's how it felt. im sorry but i can no longer try believing it if it's not something you can show. therefore im burying myself so that i can stop hoping.

but i atleast want to know what exactly was i even to you before and now, if i even meant anything, and why exactly? not if you cared about him. i just wanna know what he was to you and why, if ever he did mean anything.