#it makes me sad and frustrated and oh look an excuse to vent into the void screaming website

[benisasoftboi]

All very true. Firmly seconded.

But also, if we’re talking theatre logistics - and I know no one wants to hear this - it’s also because for many theatres, especially small, regional theatres like the one I work at, bar sales are a key factor in keeping them financially viable. Running a theatre is more expensive than a lot of people realise. You would not believe our electricity bills, especially since the UK’s cost of living crisis. Intervals mean a second chance to make some money that will help us pay them, and also pay the venue techs, and the front of house staff, and for repairs, and so we can have that one really cool prop that brings the whole show together, and and and-

There are shows I’ve worked on that I do think would benefit from being one long run. Hell, last summer I worked on one that was actually written to be run straight through, but we cut into two anyway. And while it worked, you did lose something I think would have been there without that interval. But, among a few other reasons, we knew that not having an interval would be sacrificing a lot of potential bar sales, and we need those.

Ideally, art could be made for art’s sake and wouldn’t need to be subsidised with Pepsi sales, but we don’t live in that world. I wish we did. And I can’t speak for the finances of big West End theatres, don’t know that area of the industry - but if you’re at a tiny, local theatre like mine, I just want you to know: we aren’t cynically kicking you up to the bar and selling you overpriced beer so that our manager can get a second yacht this Christmas. We’re doing it so that we can literally keep the lights on and keep making the art we love.

Unpopular theatre opinion: intermissions are bad and I wish we could just have a 2.5 hour performance uninterrupted, like people manage perfectly well at movie theaters. It always just kills my emotional immersion. Set changes and costume changes valid, but the art form could adapt in other ways. Or making the intermission experience somehow also part of the performance? Just something more interesting and intentional than dumping people out into the lobby to buy m&ms.

[howlingday]

He keeps getting good another chaptrr

1ST / 2ND / 3RD / 4TH / PREV

"Honestly, can't you do anything right?!"

"I'm trying, okay?" Ruby whimpered after yet another of Weiss' 'honest criticisms' as she called them. Really, they were just Weiss yelling for about a half an hour. And it ended the same way, too.

"Well stop trying and start doing!" Weiss then stomped away, leaving Ruby alone in the dorm, yet again.

This wasn't what Ruby thought Beacon was going to be like at all. She thought she would be going on adventures, making friends, and having fun while learning how to become a huntress. But all she was learning right now was how out of her depth she truly was.

If only Yang was here, but it seems she had something better to do with Blake today. Just like yesterday. And the day before. And the day before that.

Suddenly, there was a knock at the door. Ruby opened it to find Jaune standing there with sad eyes. "Is... everything okay, Ruby?"

"Yeah, just... me and Weiss are still trying to figure things out." Ruby said, clearly lying to cover for her partner.

"Oh, okay." Jaune said. "Do you wanna talk about it?"

"Not really." Ruby replied.

"Do you wanna... hang out with my team until your team gets back?"

"Yeah." Ruby perked up, making Jaune's tail wag. "Yeah, I'd like that."

--------------------------------------------------

"Oh, hello, Pyrrha~!" Weiss called sweetly, walking up to the more famous student. "How are you this afternoon?"

"I'm fine, Weiss." Pyrrha replied. "I'm just out grabbing medicine for Jaune while he's studying."

"At least your partner studies." Weiss said with a grumble. "My supposed 'leader' would prefer to play video games instead of putting in the effort to learn."

"I... see..."

"Excuse me, I didn't mean to vent." Weiss apologized. "But she can just be... so... frustrating!"

"Well, have you considered how she might be feeling?"

"What do you mean?"

"Well, she's certainly younger than us, so maybe she's just not sure what direction she should go. You remember being her age, don't you?"

"I do, but she never had it as difficult as I did!" Weiss huffed. "She never had impossible expectations to live up to like I did."

"Really? What her home life like before coming to Becaon?"

"She probably goofed off at her old school, too."

"Probably?" Pyrrha quirked her brow. "Do you know what school she went to?"

"Well... No." Weiss admitted.

"Do you know why she built her weapon the way she did? Or who taught her before she applied to her old school." Weiss was quiet. "Weiss... Aside from her name, what do you know about Ruby?"

Weiss had no answer. She never considered Ruby to really be her partner. Until now, she saw Ruby as just some kid who lucked her way into being her partner, as if it were some cruel twist of fate as punishment for some crime she didn't commit. This was the first time she considered that maybe, just maybe, Ruby was just as unhappy with Weiss as her partner as she was with her.

"I... should probably ask her." Weiss then said.

"I think that would be a good idea."

--------------------------------------------------

"Hello, again~!" Pyrrha chimed as she opened the door to her dorm. "Oh, hello, Ruby."

"Hi, Pyrrha~!" Ruby smiled, sitting on the floor across from Jaune, books out and open between them. "Jaune and I are just studying."

"Oh, really?" Pyrrha stepped aside to reveal the icy glare of Ruby's partner standing behind her.

"Weiss?!"

"Ruby," Weiss took a deep breath before speaking further, "would you like to study with me?"

"Um..." Ruby scratched her head. "I'm kinda already studying with Jaune."

"Oh..." Weiss wanted to say more, but she thought better than to start anything in someone else's dorm. And what Pyrrha said. "Then perhaps I could... study with you, too."

At this, Ruby looked to Jaune, who smiled, and she gave a smile in return. "Yeah, we can do that, too!"

[mitsuki91]

Another day another prompt 💃

Snowbaird Valentine Event

This is the first story in chronological order! I am super excited to post. It's more heavy then the others, but, oh well...

As usual thank to @snowbaird-events and @burntblueberrywaffles and all the discord snowbaird server 🥰

6. Rainbow

He remembers it as if only one day had passed.

The slow search in the forest, the rifle weighing in his arms, the growing concern for Lucy Gray who did not answer his call. The orange shawl on a bramble, dirty and abandoned; the terror that paralyzed him and then the pain of the snake bite.

And then his head, which split in half.

Kneeling on the hard ground of the forest, looking at the wound on his arm, time stretched on and on. The damn birds began to sing. The terror that Lucy Gray is lost or hurt is swept away by the burning sensation of betrayal; the rain falls and he feels it like bullets on his head, on his body. 

"Lucy Gray!" a scream filled with frustration as rejection takes hold of him, as it paralyzes him, as he cannot believe that, that she, that....

And, then, two arms wrap around him.

"I'm here," Lucy Gray murmurs, her head resting on his back, "I'm here, Coriolanus. It is not poisonous. It's not poisonous, I swear."

Coriolanus does not know whether it is reality or a dream - a nightmare - and he crumples in on himself, grabs his head. He closes his eyes and the world is a kaleidoscope; he is in a house of mirrors, where Lucy Gray's songs bounce and taunt him, where those damned birds do not stop tormenting him. He sees them, even with his eyes closed. He sees their beaks now pointed, their little legs full of deadly claws.

"Make them stop" he sobs, as he cries in agony "Make them stop".

The only foothold he has with reality is the grip of Lucy Gray's arms on his waist. She anchors him, holds him still, shuts off all excess as he feels himself dying inside little by little, as betrayal mingles with rejection and finally pain.

As he turns back, slowly, one labored step at a time.

She, who is singing, perhaps to try to console him, perhaps to stem the enormous panic attack that has pervaded him, stops. The Mockingjays echo her notes for the last time and then the forest fades away; only the sound of rain remains.

Coriolanus calms down. Slowly, as the minutes tick by, he comes to recognise what is tangible and what is not. The grip on his waist. The weight of Lucy Gray on his back.

Real or not real?

With difficulty he pulls his fingers away from his head, frees his ears from the hands he had pressed against them, in an attempt to turn off any noise - real or imaginary. He opens his eyes. He straightens his back, one painful inch at a time.

He turns around, inhaling at the top of his lungs.

And she is there.

Lucy Gray is there. She's still holding him by the waist but she's flinched, to be seen.

"Forgive me" she tells him, the tears on her face mingling with the rain "I was afraid".

Coriolanus bursts into tears again and holds her in his arms. Lucy Gray caresses him, comforts him. She no longer sings, does not allow the birds to imitate her, to torture him again. She merely waits for him to vent everything with tears, until Coriolanus feels drained and without strength.

Eventually, they break away. They stand up. Lucy Gray grabs the rifle and Coriolanus grabs the shawl. They hold each other's hand.

They walk back to the hut by the lake.

The rain slows down and, by the time they arrive, it has disappeared completely. They sit on the shore of the lake, indifferent to the wetness. They are already soaked from head to toe.

Lucy Gray puts the gun down behind her and takes the shawl from his hands; she drapes it around her shoulders again. She smiles, but her eyes are still sad.

"You lied to me, Coriolanus" she tells him, neutral, without accusing him "And then I saw it. I saw, in your eyes, when we found the weapons, that you were thinking of leaving me."

Coriolanus has no excuse. What Lucy Gray is telling him is true.

He turns his face away, stares at the horizon, for he does not have the courage to look her in the face.

"... I was lying to myself" he whispers finally "Because if I say it, I must also admit that it is true".

Lucy Gray sighs.

"Sejanus?"

Coriolanus nods.

"I thought his father saved him" he finally admits "I tried to save him. They denied me the call" he turns again to look at her "I swear, Lucy Gray" he concludes, fiery.

Because it is the truth. It is the truth and also the only way he can live with himself now.

Lucy Gray caresses his cheek and smiles. She is still sad. There is still the second unfinished business between them.

"You are not made for this life, Coriolanus."

Coriolanus closes his eyes and leans against her hand. He inhales deeply, and then turns back to the horizon.

The rainbow has sprung up.

"We'll make it work," he replies, his mind back to work - healthy again, ready to look for the best way out.

"How?" asks Lucy Gray.

Coriolanus begins to speak, staring at the rainbow. The serenity after the rain. The promise of a thousand colors.

Lucy Gray, his girlfriend.

Whom he plans to save, paying any price.

***

At the base no one noticed his little outing that morning. The nurse to whom he shows his arm reassures him that the bite is not poisonous, and that it is normal for snakes to come out of their lair during the rain.

Coriolanus faces his last days as a Peacekeeper in District Twelve, before being transferred. The searches are still going on; Mayor Lipp is still inconsolable, wracked with grief - he is still staring at the Covey house, eyes out of their sockets, looking for a culprit he will not find. The weapons are safe at the bottom of the lake. Lucy Gray stands guard over their grave, waiting for the all-clear.

Coriolanus searches the Coveys' wretched house under the watchful eye of the mayor and manages to tell Barb Azure in half a voice where Lucy Gray is and why she is there. The house is clean. The Peacekeepers continue their tour.

And, finally, they arrive at the mayor's house. Coriolanus did not even have to make an effort to get the general to accept his suggestion. "It's obvious the mayor didn't kill his daughter, but wouldn't it be a smart move for the Rebels to hide the weapons in the one place we'll never check?" The search is approved. Coriolanus slips into the kitchen with an excuse.

He recognised the signs, in the pallor of Mayor Lipp's face, in his bloodshot eyes, in his never-quenched anger. He has spent a lifetime behind Professor Sickle's skirts, he can tell when a person has decided to drown their pain in a bottle. And slipping white powder - rat poison - into the half-open bottle in the kitchen is child's play.

The next day he will be in District Two. Less than a week and Lipp will already be dead.

Lucy Gray will be able to go home.

***

Things went better than expected.

Coriolanus wasn't sent to Two, but he went home. He won the Plinth Prize and Dr Gaul has taken him under her wing. He'll pretend to follow her and her beliefs to exploit her connection with President Ravinstill and, then, when he's sure of his role in society - Coriolanus Snow, future president of Panem - he'll end the charade and get rid of her too.

Meanwhile, he just took care of old Dean Highbottom. That was personal, of course, but still related to Lucy Gray. If he hadn't sent her home, if he hadn't expelled him and forced him to join the Peacekeepers... If, if, if.

He risked losing her. His Lucy Gray, his precious songbird.

He risked losing her in more ways than one - he doesn't like to think about it, he doesn't want to admit it even to himself, but Coriolanus knows that as his head cracked, if Lucy Gray hadn't been ready to grab hold of him and keep him grounded in reality, he would have risked stepping beyond the insane and the unforgivable.

For this, Highbottom deserved to die.

That is why Coriolanus knows that, from now on, he will do whatever it takes to achieve his goals. Without any more qualms; without any more moral restraint.

Coriolanus walks the streets of Capitol City, hugging himself in his red coat to counter the air that has become crisp. Dawn has dawned a few hours ago, but it has rained during the night, and the winter sun has failed to chase away the moisture that now seeps into his bones.

He reaches the huge roundabout before the Corso, imagining the Dean writhing as the poison-corrected Morphamine takes effect, and suddenly he sees it: behind the Statue of Justice a rainbow rips through the sky, filling it with hope.

Coriolanus smiles. He thinks about how Dr Gaul approved not only his Victory Tour project, but also his request to have Lucy Gray move to the capital, and then perhaps the Coveys, the following year. What better way to introduce Panem to its Victor than to have her seen happy and surrounded by the loved ones she risked losing in the Hunger Games? Hope, mixed with the pain of remembering those who did not survive. Bread with which to nourish Panem and its Districts, in a way that is congenial to his Mentor and at the same time allows him to hold on to his Lucy Gray.

“Of course I will take care of everything,” recalls the conversation with Dr Gaul “Lucy Gray and the Coveys will be my welcome guests. Pluribus Bell has offered its club to allow them to practice and perform for curious citizens. Don't worry, I have everything under control”.

Control.

Gaul's favorite word, the sure way to gain her approval.

Wonderful as the rainbow after the rain; Lucy Gray and her colors, which he will see again in a few days.

Wait for me, my love , he thinks, eager to fulfill the promise he made to her on the shores of the lake, I will come for you.

And then nothing will be able to separate us any more.

💖💖💖

Link on ao3:

[lablakelystress]

Vent no. 26 (👺😩🦧)

It’s been a while but that doesn’t mean things have been easy. I’m becoming so desensitized to myself that I have no clue how I really look and it’s killing me. I do know that my th1gh g4p is closing and will probably be gone soon if this plan that I’m on continues. I’m so devastated right now. I feel like there’s no hope anywhere and I’ll just always be f4t. Basically a while back my parents decided that I had to start g41n1g because they found out how low I was and they started increasing my m34ls like a LOT, and of course I freaking g41n3d over the past 4 days, and it makes me feel actually sick to my stomach. I had to comply with them because my dad said if I didn’t he would force me to 34t even more f00d. I was so scared because things were already bad as it was, I’m talking 500+ c4ls in one m34l alone. (The fact that that is some people’s limit and my dream daily intake is driving me insane. If I had the freedom to do that trust me I would) So I basically just stuck it out, feeling nothing most of the time and if anything getting really awful cr4v1ngs at least once a day. I wanted to go back to f4st1ng so bad and I felt I was already starting to show signs of g41n1ng. The worst part is that I never once hesitated to 34t what I was in front of me. And I felt little regret because part of me was going “oh I needed to have that bc if I didn’t I’d be worse off later”. I would just always go back to thinking that, it’s horrible to think about now. Just remember that you should NEVER try to go back to 34t1ng a “normal” amount, not even for a few days bc if you do you’ll completely lose touch with your reality. You’ll think that “actually, I don’t look too terrible despite having 34t3n like a pig for the past 24 hrs.” “Oh, I’ll just bvrn it off later” “oh I’ll r3str1ct tomorrow for sure” you’ll think all of these toxic thoughts and it’ll just set you back, leading you to the same old lame thing you see in the mirror. Leading you to shame, disgust, and dissatisfaction. (Reminder that I say this all to only to myself. If you find it helpful, cool.)

Woah I just said a lot. Anyways the update now is that I’m stuck in a rut real bad and there’s nothing I can think to do. The only thing I’m hoping for is maybe I can quickly g41n just enough to where they think I’m ok, and then I’ll cut back hard. It’s really gonna suck and idek if it’ll work but it’s all I have. There’s no use in feeling powerless anymore, I have to try. On a side note I’m only taking one p1ll now. I think I’ve mentioned it before but the two other p1lls I’m supposed to take are capsules so I just empty them out, but I can only do one a day to lessen the chance of getting caught. I have a weekly supply in a case so that’s how I keep track of my m3ds. Seriously though it’s really freaking me out bc anytime someone is in the kitchen (where the case is located) I get so scared at any noise that even sounds close to the case opening bc I’m just really scared of getting caught. After all, they would completely lose all trust they’ve gained in me. …and that would suck… yeah I know I suck but I know I shouldn’t be taking the capsules since they make me act so unlike myself. I have tried over and over again to convince my parents that I don’t need them (which I don’t bc I haven’t been taking them for months now and I’ve been fine, well, as fine as I can be with an 3d) and they just don’t understand where I’m coming from. They think that if I stopped taking them I’d be dysfunctional. I’m glad they care but it’s also so frustrating bc they won’t budge from their stance that if the dr. thinks you need it, based on a few exchanges with someone I don’t know enough to fully open up to, then you must take it. The thing is docs have messed up before with my m3ds and given me things that have only made me worse (story for another day) before so I know it’s possibly with me. It’s scary.

Why do I keep saying so much? Anyways I suck, I’m a sad excuse for an 4n4, we’re all doomed and kinda pathetic. …yeah.

[brick-van-dyke]

Okay so sort of a vent about history and Christianity, and yeah I'm gonna get personal with this and maybe emotionally hating religion at the moment, but more as a reaction than what I genuinely think of it

// TW slight mention of various genocides throughout history, and religious trauma. And abuse mention.

Not to diss my upbringing as a Christian here (but also to totally diss my upbringing asa Christian here), but looking at the history of a lot of what's going on as far as Palestine and everything bad that has happened to Jewish people ever always seems to relate back to Christians and Europe being fuckwits and messing shit up, at some point, somehow, every single time and killing every other group and ethnicity to try and "cause" Jesus to come back or to just be prejudiced little shits to literally every other belief system that isn't theirs. Like every single damn point in history where Jews or Muslims suffer and I see either Romans (either Christian or the Roman Pantheon, usually the former) or Catholics with their crusade or Evangelicals mistaking capitalism for religion like come on guys, just don't cause mass bloodshed for five fucking seconds. And then there's literally just. Everything else ever to consider.

Look, I know Christianity can be good just like how Judaism and Islam can be used as excuses to do the same stuff but god damn, the more I delve I to history the more embarassed I am just to think about how I used to be a Christian or how my dad would justify said bloodshed and shit as a paster. Every day, I just become more and more cynical especially with the idea "oh god doesn't intervene because it would ruin the Plan™" as if that matters when the ones causing the problems are those inspired by said god and I'm just so angry and frustrated that I can be torn apart and wish I could do anything to help but no if there is some cosmic being, they are sitting back refusing to do anything when they can stop this by just, at least, revealing that this wasn't the original intention. And damn, if it was I'd be going to Lucifer's side because that's even more fucked up.

This is why the only gods I'd worship are pantheons like the Greek Gods or Roman or Norse or anything else because at least the gods ACKNOWLEDGE they do fucked up shit and don't hide behind "I'm perfect so if you feel empathy and sadness for people and justifiable anger at the injustices you see clearly YOU'RE the one in the wrong for not trusting me enough" and a nice little facade, they just threaten you and be done with it. Like, yeah, if my dad punched me in the face of stop trusting him that shit is EARNED. If a god demanded trust while allowing people in his care to die, why should I just. Pretend that isn't wrong? Act like somehow caring is wrong? If caring is a sin I'd rather be guilty of it.

And then there's the stuff in my own life that I feel guilty of feeling angry about because I was taught to feeling fucking guilty of being angry about. All because old men from forever ago decided No Actually God Told Me To Say This and then told people that being angry at god for the pain in their lives makes them weak and sinful and shit. Like come the fuck on as if that wouldn't give a child issues. And then when I didn't do that like a good little Christian child, aka internalizing everything and numbing myself repetitively, the one thing that did make me question god despite all the bullshit that already existed ever was literally the story of Moses because I felt like it was unfair and the kids in Egypt didn't deserve to be punished for the pharaoh. And somehow that is supposed to make me feel guilty? Like nah be it then or now, the fact that I'm angry and horrified? Distrustful? Absolutely abhorred with the idea of allowing injustice? That comes from love and that comes from kindness. Fuck shaming love, hypocritical ass doctrine.

And don't get me started on the ahistorical propaganda bullshit I was taught at church because, considering it mostly came from my dad who was the paster, I may actually just come to hate him for it. Not completely like cut off hate, but damn if I don't have a grudge. Literally took most of my young adult years unlearning so much bullshit and I'm only just starting to unravel it. If god was present, I'm pissed almost solely for the fact he didn't speak the fuck up and allow a kid to get mentally fucked.

Oh and we don't even want to go into the separate trauma, like the literal abuse that I decided to forgive to be The Better Person and believing genuinely that hating god for what happened made me a bad person like I already was dealing with undiagnosed C-PTSD I didn't need the religious trauma convincing me to feel ashamed of being traumatised.

Anyway yeah I'm feeling a lot of rage tonight and realising how traumatic Christianity was for me growing up actually. Like. Wow.

[scenefox2003]

Yunan and Marcy Bond On The Pirate Ship

Aka I suck at creative titles but it’s exactly what it sounds like (it’s Yunan’s turn to parent, she kinda sucks at it at first tho)

Yunan growled as she yanked a rope with all her might, hoping to get enough wind power to chase after the enemy ship. Irritating laughter rang out as it drifted away, so close yet so far away. Most of her supplies for the trip went along with it, in the greedy clutches of a little green Manlet.

“That was too easy!” Tritonio shouted from the stern of his ship. “I’m honestly shocked, I thought the Newtopian government had no care in the world for sad little orphans!”

“It doesn’t for you, you little shit!” Yunan screamed, gripping the railing as if she could strangle it. “Just go to therapy and get over it instead of making everyone else’s lives a living hell!”

There was no use in acting civil, Yunan had already been humiliated. By Tritonio, nonetheless. That little prick with his dumbass accent and stupid haircut… he was always getting in the way, swindling her and making her look like a joke! Not to mention the time he tried to seduce her at that seedy bar… it didn’t work for obvious reasons but he still managed to steal her wallet somehow.

“Oh, quit your whining! Why don’t you just go buy more with that fancy royal credit card of yours? Oh, that’s right, I stole it! And you’re still too much of a pussy to tell Andrias and get a new one!”

Tritonio’s ship rang out with laughter, and Yunan felt her face getting hot. But her brain wasn’t fast enough to come up with a proper comeback, so there was a solid ten or so seconds of them laughing at her before she responded.

“I don’t even know why you thought that trick would work! Just looking at you makes me gayer! Go shove your dick in a rusty tin can for all I care, you good for nothing charlatan!”

But by then the enemy ship had already drifted into the sunset, and Tritonio had gotten the last word. Yunan let out a feral growl and punched the railing with all her might.

“MOTHERFUCKER!”

The shitty old wood cracked and splintered, and she was about to do it again before a small voice spoke up from behind her.

“Um… Captain Yunan?”

Yunan swiveled around to face Marcy, who was standing awkwardly behind her. She had honestly completely forgotten she was there. Yunan was used to traveling alone, but this time Marcy wanted to be dragged along.

“Come on, Liv! You know I hate sailing with a crew! They just slow me down!” She had whined when she heard the news.

“It’ll be good for you,” Olivia had insisted. “Being alone on that musty ass ship for that long isn’t healthy.”

“Excuse me, the S.S. Pussy Destroyer is NOT musty! Besides, If it’s so lonely, Why don’t you come with me?”

“You know how much I hate boats, that old thing is a death trap and I get seasick already. Besides, Marcy’s delightful, you’ll love her.”

“So you’re willing to put HER on a death trap?”

“Oh, just fucking take her.”

And so she did, and Olivia wasn’t wrong. Marcy was sweet, and very helpful as well. But having her around now to witness her defeat… wasn’t ideal.

“Well that was a fucking disaster,” Yunan spat, starting to pace. “We’ve lost most of our supplies which means we’re gonna have to dock somewhere and buy more. God, I hate people, why can’t anything go RIGHT!” She screamed, tearing her hair out. She wasn’t even talking to Marcy at that point, just venting her frustration, and Marcy once again had to say something to make Yunan remember her existence.

“So uh, what should I do? Can I do anything to help, or-”

“I dunno! I don’t really care, and I don’t need your help. Just get out of my way so I can fix this mess!” She scoffed, waving her away with her hand. Yunan’s words had come out unintentionally harsh, like most of the things she said, but she didn’t really notice until she saw Marcy’s face fall.

“Oh, o-of course, I’m so so sorry, I’ll just, uh… leave you be, I’m sorry!”

Marcy quickly ran off to the cabin without another word. Yunan considered following her for a second, a bit concerned, but decided to focus on the task at hand, shutting herself in the storage room to get to work. Marcy could probably handle herself.

Once Yunan had taken inventory and come up with a revised plan for the rest of the trip, the sun had already set. She was more than ready to collapse into her hammock and call it a night, but when she went into the cabin she noticed Marcy’s hammock was empty. Her sword and red pirate hat were on the floor, seemingly dumped there, but the human was nowhere to be found. She bent down to pick up the hat.

“Huh, that’s… weird,” Yunan muttered to herself, about to shrug it off and call it a night. But something about it bothered her. She left the cabin and headed up the stairs to the upper deck, wanting to get a bird’s eye view of the ship and hopefully spot Marcy.

About halfway up the stairs she heard sniffling and small, stifled sobs.

Yunan’s heart immediately sank. She thought back to how she had acted, and the more she replayed the scene in her head the more she realized she was the asshole.

“Fuck!” She whispered to herself. “I’m so stupid! I was way too harsh with her! She’s like what, thirteen? God!”

She stood on the steps awkwardly for a moment, then finally built up the courage to climb the rest of the way up.

Marcy sat at the edge of the boat, hunched over in a tiny ball, hugging her knees. She pulled her jacket tightly around herself as she shook. Yunan couldn’t tell if she was shaking just because she was crying, or because it was cold, or because of the boat rocking.

Yunan hesitated for a second, feeling a bit awkward. She wasn’t good with people, that was Olivia’s job. But she couldn’t help but feel bad for Marcy, and she was the only other person on the ship. Not to mention it was probably her fault she was crying in the first place. She had to do something.

“Uh, hey kid…” Yunan called out awkwardly, trying her best to use the sweetest voice possible. “You okay?” She walked over to sit down next to Marcy, but she didn’t turn to look at her. She just stared down at the waves below, her eyes glossed over with tears.

“I’m sorry,” Marcy choked out, pulling her coat tighter around herself. “I’m so sorry, I just-“

“It’s okay, don’t worry about it,” Yunan quickly reassured. It didn’t seem to make things better though. Marcy sobbed a couple times, no longer caring about how loud she was, then wiped her nose on the sleeve of her jacket. It was pitiful to watch, and Yunan found herself looking away from Marcy and out at the ocean, trying to figure out what to say. She felt completely useless in this situation, she wished Olivia was there.

Wait, that’s it! What would Olivia do? Hmm…Probably the right thing or some shit. God damn it.

Yunan sighed, swallowed her pride and turned to look at Marcy again.

“Listen. About what I said earlier-“

“I’m sorry!” Marcy quickly interrupted. “I… I should’ve fought harder, but I let them get away with all our stuff, I wish I-“

“No!” Yunan shouted, surprised at how desperate she sounded. “That wasn’t your fault at all! It… it was all me. I’m so sorry for being a jerk. You didn’t deserve that.”

Yunan couldn’t help but be impressed with herself. Since when did she admit wrongdoing? It was admittedly weird, but something about it felt… right.

Unfortunately, it didn’t do much.

“But I DID!” Marcy wailed, burying her face in her knees. “I just took their hits like an idiot, like I always do! I’m such a bumbling fool! I got in the way of your mission just because I wanted to play pirates! You didn’t have to let me come, I know you like to be alone anyway and I’m just slowing you down-“

Yunan’s eyes widened in shock, and her heart turned to lead. Those words sounded too familiar. She placed a hand on Marcy’s shoulder.

“Woah, hey, stop. Look at me.”

Marcy stopped her tirade and finally looked at Yunan, her face an absolute mess. If Yunan felt guilty before, it was now eating her alive. She sighed and looked down, unable to handle it anymore.

“You… you heard me and Liv talking the other day, didn’t you?”

“I didn’t mean to eavesdrop,” Marcy squeaked out. “But you were right outside my door and you were talking kinda loudly.” She recoiled again, as if she was expecting her to retaliate, which broke Yunan’s heart. She sighed again, a long, soft sigh.

“Shit,” she muttered. “I’m so sorry, Marcy. I never said any of that because I don’t like you… I’m just really bad with people, and I was… God damn it, I was scared okay?! I admit it!”

Yunan was being genuine, and tried her best to show it, but it was no use.

“You don’t have to lie to me!” Marcy wailed. “You’re never scared! You shouldn’t have to do stuff like that! I should be better for you! I need to be better, you newts have given me everything and you’re all so nice to me and I just don’t understand why, I need to prove I deserve it-“

Before Yunan could even realize what she was doing she was hugging Marcy, holding her only for a split second before coming to her senses and rapidly letting her go.

“Woops, I uh, don’t know what came over me, I’m sorry-“

But then, just as quickly, Marcy was hugging her back, colliding into her and wrapping her arms around her waist. She buried her face in Yunan’s soft pirate blouse and squeezed her tighter than Yunan even knew she was capable of.

“I love you guys so much,” she sobbed, her voice muffled. “You deserve better than me, I’m horrible.”

Yunan tutted, and wrapped her arms around the girl.

“Aww, hey. Where’s all this coming from? How are you horrible? You have a perfect track record for missions and everyone loves you.”

“Not anymore! All our stuff got stolen, and when King Andrias and Lady Olivia find out I failed they’re not gonna want to be my friends anymore!”

With that everything started to make sense, and comforting seemed to come almost instinctively to Yunan. She curled her tail around the both of them, pulling Marcy closer.

“That’s crazy talk. Andrias and Olivia would never do that, I promise. They think the world of you.”

Marcy sniffled, then looked up at her, trying to tell if she was lying.

“They do?”

Yunan barked out a laugh.

“Yeah, DUH! I haven’t seen Andrias care about a person EVER, and then you came along and he actually seems genuinely happy. And Olivia can be a prude, but I know she loves you too.”

Marcy’s eyes welled up with more tears.

“But I don’t-“

“Nope, don’t even say it. Yes, you do. You deserve every wonderful thing King Andrias spoils you with.”

Yunan sighed, and in the gentlest action she had ever done, she wiped away a tear that rolled down Marcy’s cheek.

“You’re a good kid, Marcy. And yeah, you’ll probably grow up to be even better, but that doesn’t matter. Me, and Olivia, and Andrias, we all love you for who you are right now, not who you could be in the future.”

Marcy was silent for a while, overcome by emotion. Yunan wrapped her arm back around her, and Marcy buried her face back into Yunan’s shirt. Then she said in the tiniest voice, “thank you, I really needed to hear that.”

Yunan smiled softly, and patted her back.

“Sure thing, Master Marcy.”

Marcy sobbed quietly into Yunan’s side, and Yunan let her, sensing this was something she had needed for a long time. She wrapped her cape around Marcy’s shoulders and held her tight, rocking the both of them gently back and forth with the ship.

“You’re alright, kid. I’ve got you.”

The rhythmic sound of the waves mixed with Marcy’s hitched breaths lulled Yunan into a bit of a trance, which was only broken a while later when Marcy spoke again.

“I’m sorry for crying all over you…”

Yunan just chuckled.

“Do you really think the great General Yunan, scourge of the sand wars, defeater of Ragnar the Wretched, and the youngest newt to ever achieve the rank of general in the great Newtopian army is afraid of a little snot?”

“Yeah, I guess not,” she sniffled. “You’re really cool.”

Yunan couldn’t help but grin.

“Fuck yeah I am!” She gloated, playing it off as if it didn’t mean as much to her as it did. “You are too, you know.”

“No I’m not, I’m being such a baby right now.”

“Everybody needs a good cry sometimes.”

“Even you?”

Yunan sighed, and ruffled Marcy’s hair.

“Yes, even me.”

Marcy giggled, then yawned.

“Getting sleepy?” Yunan asked.

“Mhm.”

“Want to go back down to the cabin and go to bed?”

“No, I wanna watch the ocean some more.”

“Yeah, it’s really pretty tonight, isn’t it?”

Marcy yawned again then shifted a little, getting comfy.

“Yeah, it is.”

The vast blue ocean moved gently up and down, the sight complimented the soothing rocking motion perfectly. In the distance, a dolphin leapt out of the water in a graceful arc.

“Look Marcy, a dolphin!” Yunan said, but she didn’t get an answer. Marcy was already fast asleep. She chuckled a little to herself, carefully picking her up to carry her to her hammock. With Marcy in her arms, she had a moment of self awareness.

“Damn, I’ve really gone soft, haven’t I?”

She got no answer besides Marcy’s soft snores. She chuckled again, then headed downstairs.

She’d have a lot to tell Olivia once they got home. Maybe sailing with a crew wasn’t so bad.

[hotaru-no-yume]

When you're crying (Ft. Murr, Figaro, and Heathcliff)

Murr Hart

I don't think Murr is the best person to cheer someone up - at least in a general sense. He can be insensitive at times and has a habit of running his mouth. Tact did not exist in his vocabulary most of the time. If he finds you upset, he might just sour your mood even more with his constant pestering and questions. Soon, he plops down and listens to you get mad at him.

He watches you vent with a smile on his face, humming as you take out your frustrations on him. He's not really bothered by it; after all, he pissed off countless people in his life. It's nothing new.

Once you exhaust yourself and don't have anymore anger left to vent, he grins and closes one of his eyes as if saying 'you'll let me get away with it, right?' How familiar. In the back of your head, you hear Shylock's voice calling him 'loathsome Murr' again.

"Well? Did you get it all out if your chest?" He questions you with eager eyes. You can't help but just sigh in exasperation as he comes closer and starts nibbling on your hand - like a playful cat that wants attention.

"Ahaha! Sometimes you just need to burst! Cry a river and explode like a volcano! After that, everything would settle and cool off. It's interesting how our minds and hearts work, right?"

You ask if he had ever snapped like you did. He tilts his head, "I can't say I have! Or maybe I did~? I'm living a long life, so who knows!"

You sit there for a while, watching Murr float around in mid-air and do some magic. His spells were flashy and eye-catching as always, but...

"This doesn't mean I'll let you get off easily."

"Ehhh~ But I thought you forgave me?"

"No way." Despite your words, a smile slowly appears on your face. "Take responsibility, you stray cat."

Figaro Garcia

You'll feel Figaro sit down right next to you, wearing a gentle expression on his face. It's supposed to be a familiar sight - the image of a kind and weak doctor from the south is something he maintains well. However, there's just something different about the way he looks and talks to you during your moment of weakness.

"Want to tell me about it? Good ol' Dr. Figaro is here to listen." He chuckles. If you don't want to say anything, he shrugs before patting your head. He won't leave though. He'll stay beside you until you've calmed down. "That's it. Just let it out."

If you do tell him, then he'll patiently listen before trying to cheer you up. If you want some advice, then you can ask for some too. He's lived a long time and experienced many things. He may have the answer you're looking for.

In his mind, Figaro's glad he settled in the Southern country. If he was still considered a Northern wizard, perhaps he wouldn't have this. You, holding his hand and relying on him. Hundreds of years ago, he did not know how to give comfort. He did not know how to be kind. He might have thought that the tears he's seeing now were just a sign of weakness. Well, he still has his Northern roots but things right now aren't bad, right? After all, he gets to hold and comfort you like this.

"Oh, I know what will cheer you up! Let's go to Shylock's bar and have a drink!"

"...You just want an excuse to drink more, don't you?"

"Haha! Well, maybe."

Heathcliff Blanchett

I imagine that Heathcliff is the least calm when dealing with a crying person. Especially if it's you. Just seeing the tears streaming down your face is enough to make him freeze in place for a while. Then, he slowly starts to approach, afraid that he'll scare you.

"I-Is everything alright? What's wrong, [Name]?"

He will grab a handkerchief out of his pocket and wipe your tears away himself. His expression looks pained too, as if he hated seeing you so sad. He'll rub your back soothingly and let you vent. Heath seems like the type to whisper assurances as well.

After you've calmed down a little, he'll sit you down and make you some tea. Or if you don't like tea, then he'll make you your favorite drink coupled with some snacks. Crying and venting your frustrations out can be exhausting, so now he wants you to relax.

He'll talk to you about anything and everything, especially light-hearted topics that would make you smile. Internally, Heath will sigh in relief once he sees you're feeling better. If you thank him for his efforts, you'll see him get a bit embarrassed. "It was nothing, really. You don't have to thank me. It's just...when you feel sad, I feel sad too. If I could at least help those that are precious to me and comfort them...then I'll do it."

That small, shy smile he gives you is enough to make your heart skip a beat. "I'm glad you're feeling better." He'll lean in and give you a kiss on the forehead.

"Oh, did I surprise you? Sorry. It's just, I wanted to give you a 'happiness charm'. Does it sound a bit childish? It's something my mother did for me back when I got really sad. She would comfort me and give me a 'happiness charm' saying that even if the skies are gray now, always remember that the sun will always be there. Sadness won't last forever. You just have to keep moving until you see the sun shine again."

[sketching-shark]

LMK fandom: Oh, what do we do about this guy who has nothing but hurt Xiaotian, tried to replace Sun Wukong and his crew, hurt Tripitaka and ordered servants to cannibalize a monkey? Oh I know! We’ll turn him into our little meow meow~ he’s so innocent and Sun Wukong is obviously the villain!

What doesn’t help is this idea is perpetuated by multiple fan fic writers and artists for some reason. Especially some aus they make that turn SWK into a bastard for the sake of the story rather than considering cultural context and thinking they should be respectful.

And almost everyone lets them get away with it just because the art or fanfic is good and they get so popular that no one can point what is actually wrong without feeling like they’re going to get attacked.

I'm starting to feel like my blog is the one anons go to specifically to vent their frustrations about the Six Eared Macaque in his lego monkey show form & the associated fandom lmao. But I guess this makes sense, as I’ve had fun quasi-dragging him before & will in fact use this anon submission as an opportunity to have my own, to put it academically, bitch fest about not just this fandom's favorite protagonist-traumatizing meow meow, but about the way villains are often treated in not just fanon, but increasingly in canon works as well. But same policy as with the last anon; I'll post my opinions below the cut, and as fandoms love to say, don’t like don't read if you don't want to see me dunking on the six eared simian & common fandom tendencies towards villains.

Oh man I would say where would you even begin with this but anon you’ve pretty much started yourself with my main gripe with a lot of ways that the Six-Eared Macaque is portrayed in fandom; there seems to be this unspoken agreement that his acts of violence towards Sun Wukong, Qi Xioatian, and Qi Xioatian’s loved ones are either to be framed as somewhat or totally justified, to be immediately forgiven/excused, or to simply & completely be ignored. Like friends maybe this is just me not seeing the proper posts but while the fandom is inundated with art and fanfics of Macaque as a generally decent individual & a true member of team good guy, I have yet to see one person address the fact that this monkey literally kidnapped & mind-controlled Xiaotian’s best friend and father figures & forced them to brutalize Xiaotian while ol’ Six Ear looked on and laughed (X_X). Like this kind of fandom villain treatment is definitely not something that’s solely at work for Monkie Kid, but it is kind of nutty how fandoms will swing between yelling that people should be allowed to like villains without even mild critique, and then will just flat-out not address the villainous behavior, and will even bend over backwards to frame even characters who committed genocide as just poor innocent widdle victims who need a hug. At its worst, I’ve even seen tons of people in a fandom get really angry at other people who don’t like a villain, and will even start accusing those people of hating real-life mentally disabled or abused individuals all because they don’t like the fandom’s favorite literal war criminal. The Monkie Kid fandom is FAR more chill & better than a lot of other fandoms I’ve come across in that regard, but that is an exceedingly low bar, & the tendency to woobify certain kinds of villains-- as with Macaque and the extreme emphasis on his bad boy/sad boy thing--is very much at work.  

 I’ve also talked before about a kind of monoculturalization of certain character interpretations and story beats in fandoms, and one of the more popular ones that seems to be applied to Macaque a lot is the “hero actually bad, villain actually good” cliche, as observable from the general fandom assumption that Mr. Six-Ears he wasn’t even slightly lying or remembering things through a rose-tinted or skewed lens when he gave his version of his and Sun Wukong’s past. Like at this point it seems the possibility that people WILL NOT even consider is that Sun Wukong never did & still doesn't care that much about the Six Eared Macaque (in JTTW they weren’t sworn brothers & in Monkie Kid the only thing the monkey king really said to Macaque before attacking him was a pretty contemptuous "Aren't you ever going to get sick of living under my shadow?," & responds to his "beloved friend" getting blown up with "You did good, bud" to Qi Xiaotian, who did the exploding), or that their original fight may in fact have mostly been instigated by Macaque. After all, to repeat what this anon summarized & what I've said before about their original JTTW context (& in an example of the things that do feel like it's often lost in translation) is that the Six Ear Macaque was a villain not just because he beat up the Tang Monk, but because he wanted to take over Sun Wukong's entire life and identity so he could have all that glory, prestige, and power for himself. To quote the macaque himself from the Anthony C. Yu translation, "I struck the T'ang monk and I took the luggage...precisely because I want to go to the West all by myself to ask Buddha for the scriptures. When I deliver them to the Land of the East, it will be my success and no one else's. Those people of the South Jambudvipa Continent will honor me then as their patriarch and my fame will last for all posterity." And in order to do this, the Six Eared Macaque had apparently made Sun Wukong's "little ones," his monkey family, his captives through either trickery or force, and gotten a number of them to take on the appearance of Tang Sanzang and the other pilgrims. It's also made clear that in very direct contrast to Sun Wukong, he doesn't care about these monkeys beyond how they might serve him. In fact, after Sha Wujing kills the monkey posing as him the Six Eared Macaque not only all but immediately replaces him with another, but also "told his little ones to have the dead monkey skinned. Then his meat was taken to be fried and served as food along with coconut and grape wines." So this monkey is not only willing to risk the lives of a lot of other monkeys for his own personal benefit, but is also a literal cannibal. And yes yes, I know a lot of people have argued that Monkie Kid shouldn't be considered a direct sequel to JTTW & that's fair enough (for example, Sun Wukong probably shouldn't be smashing anyone into a meat patty in a children's cartoon lol). And of course, it needs to be noted that there are a buttload of really out there & really cursed pieces of media based on JTTW & that were created in China. Yet the above description is the oft-ignored in the west original facet of the Six Eared Macaque's character. And it is this selfishness, entitlement, and treatment of other individuals as tools for his own self-serving ends  that is, from where I’m standing, still very much present in Monkie Kid. Like besides repeatedly going out of his way to physically and psychologically traumatize Xioatian, with the last episode Macaque seemed to be going right back to his manipulative ways. I’ve seen people frame their last conversation as Macaque softening to Xioatian a little bit, but personally that read a lot more like that common tactic among abusers where even after they’ve hurt you they’ll dangle something you want or need over your head (in Macaque’s case, the promise of desperately needed training and information about a serious looming threat), with the implication that you’ll only get it if you do what they want you to, such as, in this case, Xioatian going back to Macaque as his student even after having been so terribly hurt by this monkey, which would give Macaque power over Xiaotian and probably Sun Wukong as a result. And it is this violence and manipulation that it seems the fandom at large has tacitly decided shouldn’t even be addressed, instead leaning more towards a (and this is an exaggeration) “Six-Eared Macaque my poor meow meow Sun Wukong has always been bad & has always been wrong about literally everything” reading. 

And while it is the case that I am not Chinese and feel that as such it would be best left to someone who actually comes from that background to provide more context into how common interpretations of the Six Eared Macaque from China may clash really badly with the stuff the western fandom creates, it also must be noted that, as much as we all want to have fun in fandom & in spite of all the out-there versions of JTTW from China, we westerners should recognize that there is a very long and very ugly history of western countries stripping other cultures’ important religious and literary works for parts & mashing them into their own thing while implying or even insisting that what they present provides a true understanding of the original piece. And while I trust most individuals in regards to Monkie Kid are able to step back and think “this is a lego cartoon and not a set guide for how I should understand JTTW” (especially given the insistence that JTTW and Monkie Kid should be considered there own separate works) there does nevertheless seem to be something of a tendency to take the conclusions people come to, for example, about Sun Wukong’s characteristic in his lego form & then assume that’s just reflective to Sun Wukong as a totality. I imagine a good portion of this is due to people not reading JTTW & especially to not having easy access to solid information or answers about JTTW’s many different facets (like geez awhile ago I was trying to get a clear answer on what is considered the most accurate translation of the names of Sun Wukong’s six sworn brothers & got like 5 different responses lmao), but that tendency to take a western fandom interpretation & run with it instead of doing any background research or questioning said interpretation is still very much at play. As such, & as made prominent in the way people have been interpreting the dynamic between Sun Wukong and the Six Eared Macaque in the lego monkey show, tbh it does seem kind of shitty for western creators & audience to sometimes go really out of their way to ignore all of this original cultural & narrative context for the sake of Angst (TM) in Macaque's favor, demonizing Sun Wukong, and shipping the monkey king with his evil twin (X_X).

And speaking of which, even beyond the potential inherent creepiness & revulsion that can be inspired by this specific ship given common interpretations of the og classic's original meaning (again, it's my understanding, given both summaries of translated Chinese academic texts I've been kindly provided with, my own reading of the Anthony C. Yu translation of JTTW, & vents from a number of Chinese people I've seen on this site, that the Six-Eared Macaque is commonly interpreted in China as having originated from Sun Wukong himself as a living embodiment of his worst traits, hence why only Buddha can tell the difference between them & why the monkey king is much more slow to violence after he kills the macaque), I'd argue that in the face of all the uwu poor widdle meow meow portrayals lego show Macaque is, especially if you include JTTW's events, still in the role of “Sun Wukong but worse” as he is very much a violent & selfish creep. Like he was basically running around in JTTW wearing a Sun Wukong fursuit, but there he had the sole reason of wanting to replace Sun Wukong wholesale so he could have all the good things in the monkey king's life without actually having to work as hard for them. But if you combine that with Macaque now claiming that he used to be best friend with Sun Wukong in his pre-journey days (something that's made funny from a JTTW context given that that status actually belongs to the Demon Bull King lol), his original violence has now blown into this centuries long and really unhealthy obsession with the monkey king. Like he's apparently gone from wanting to literally be Sun Wukong to being so obsessed with getting revenge on Sun Wukong that he's got basically nothing else going on in his life. Like he's only appeared in two episodes but...does he have any friends? Any family? A career or even a hobby that DOESN'T center the monkey king? Anything at all outside of his "get revenge on and/or kill Sun Wukong/use his successor as my personal punching bag” thing? Like dude! That is extremely creepy and extremely bad for everyone all around! As I’ve said before, this seeming refusal to see beyond the past or to do something that doesn’t involve Sun Wukong in some capacity is a trait that makes Macaque an interesting and somewhat tragic villain--he even seems to be working as Sun Wukong’s reflection in a mirror darkly, with lego show Sun Wukong pretty clearly not being able to heal from his own past which is hinted to be defined by one loss after another, and with Monkie Kid even kind of having these two characters somewhat follow their JTTW characterizations in that in the latter half of the journey Sun Wukong often gets sad & starts crying in the face of what seems insurmountable odds (& Monkie Kid Sun Wukong does seem to be hiding some serious depression behind a cheerful facade), whereas the Six-Eared Macaque retains a worse version of Sun Wukong’s pre-journey characteristic of getting pissed and lashing out if things don’t go his way--but it’s also what would make any current friendship or romantic relationship between these monkeys horrific. Although to be fair even the fandom seems to recognize this in an unconscious way, in that a lot of the art & fanfic seems to swing erratically between them kissing & screaming at each other in yet another example of bog-standard fandom adulation of romanticized toxic relationships lol.  

At the end of the day, of course, this is nothing new. You'll find versions of this dynamic across a ton of fandoms and now even canonical work. And as such, I can only look at this kind of popularized relationship dynamic with a kind of resigned weariness whenever it pops up, & my frustrated question with the popularity of this kind of pairing is the exact same one that I have for a multitude of blatantly toxic villain/hero ships, given common fandom discourse & the tendency to either ignore or justify the villain's actions & demonize the hero: if you're THAT convinced that everything is the hero's fault, if you believe THAT much that the hero is the one in the wrong for the villain's pain and their subsequent actions, then why are you so set on them not only becoming a romantic pair, but framing this get-together as a good thing? Like I know we contain multitudes but that's waaay too many contradictions for me to wrap my head around. And it definitely doesn’t help that one branch of underlying reasoning behind this kind of pairing seems to be the ever-present “you break it, you fix it” mentality, where the assumption is that if you’re in a failing, abusive, and/or generally toxic relationship (platonically or romantically), if you put in enough time and effort & attempts to compromise, you’ll be able to restore/have the relationship you dreamed of, even with someone who hurt you really badly. And this assumption isn’t limited to fandom: I’d even argue that it’s everywhere in the culture, hence why a lot of people feel like they “failed” if they have to get a divorce or make the choice to leave an unhealthy friendship. Personally, I feel like people could really benefit from more stories about how it is not only the case that the people you hurt don’t owe you their forgiveness & you can still become a better and happier person without the one you hurt in your life, & that while it can be really hard it can also be a good thing to leave a relationship, even if it’s one that once meant a lot to you. 

  But in all honestly, from my own perspective this kind of pairing is starting to read far less like enemies to lovers and far more like a horrible fantasy where you can pull whatever shit you want, even on the people you "love," & never be held accountable for your terrible behavior or even have to consider that maybe you were in the wrong. It's another facet that makes me larf every time I see people insist that fandom is an inherently "transformative" or "progressive" form of storytelling like friends you are literally just taking status quo toxic monogamy & rebranding it as somehow beneficial & romantic (X_X).

But as to anon’s last frustration, it is hard to know what is the appropriate response with this kind of thing...like for my own part I’m keeping my frustrations to my blog & now increasingly to posts that you would have to click on the “read more” button to see what I have to say, but I totally get the hesitation to give even a mild critique to big names in a fandom. Like I've now seen it happen repeatedly where someone who has a big name in a fandom will make something that's kind of shitty for one reason or another, someone will message them with some version of "hey, that's kind of shitty, you shouldn't do that," and the typical response is either to blatantly ignore the issue completely, or more popularly to make a giant crying circus that seems deliberately geared towards stoking emotions on both sides of the, for example, fiction does/doesn't affect reality issue so that something that didn't even have to be that big a deal gets blown out of all proportion, with the big name often framing what often started out as a very mild critique into a long crying jag about how the initial response to their kind of shitty thing was so mean/cruel and they're just a poor innocent & that YOU'RE the true racist/sexist/bigot etc. if you don't agree with their opinion. It must of course be noted that there have also been numerous instances of people taking it too far the other way & sending not just big names but smaller creators literal deaths threats over stuff like innocuous ships which like holy hell bells people that’s a horrible thing to do. But for the big names at least, the end result of all this fighting is usually that once the dust has settled they have more attention/fame/money/power in the fandom than before, and with anyone who might have a problem with their stuff feeling afraid to voice their opinion lest they be swarmed by that person's fans. In that way fandom does often seem to increasingly be geared towards presenting an “official” fandom perspective about various facets of a piece of media instead of allowing for a multitude of interpretations, and with criticism, no matter its shape or form or how genuinely warranted it may be, being hounded out of existence. I feel like a lot of this could be made less bad if there wasn’t this constant assumption & even drive to think that a different interpretation of or criticism of your favorite work of fiction or your fanwork isn’t a direct claim that you are a thoroughly loathsome individual (& maybe also if people cultivated an enjoyment of learning things about important works from a culture outside their own, even if what you learn clashes with your own initial understandings), but I guess we’ll see if that ever happens. 

So these are my general thinks about the Six Eared Macaque’s current fandom meow meow status & some of my bigger gripes with fandom tendencies as a whole. I stand by my idea that the most interesting & beneficial route for Macaque moving forward would be a kind of “redemption without forgiveness from the ones you hurt” arc--as I think was done pretty excellently with the character Grace in Infinity Train--and if for no other reason than gosh dern this monkey really needs to cultivate some sort of identity beyond his “Sun Wukong but worse” persona. 

[angelicamerlinbarnes]

Severus Snape being an awesome teacher and human being

Au Volant - Elsa & Emilie

He makes sure to let students work on their own when they brew Amortentia. They only have to pass in a list of things they smell and he draws little smiley faces on them because he knows a lot of kids are very insecure about their feelings. (Once a kid passed in a list that just said, I’m sorry Professor but it doesn’t smell like anything, and on their paper Severus drew an ace and aro flag and a time for the student to be at Mcgonogall’s office that weekend for tea, along with a smiley face and an O grade.) (The student was Newt.) (Hailee’s just read, People are gross and if I fall in love with one I want you to kill me, to which Severus responded, Valid, and drew her a picture of a turtle.)

He makes fake batches of Felix Felicis and gives one to every student secretly before their O.W.L.s and N.E.W.T.s so they feel extra confident going into the test but aren’t actually cheating.

He knows his area is Potions, but he teaches defense spells to students who come after class or report bullying anonymously. Severus Snape does not fucking stand for bullying in his classroom or outside of it. If you dare to pick on one of his students, he will burn you so hard with his mere words that you will wish you were dead. Do not fuck with Severus Snape’s kids.

On parent-teacher day, he drinks different batches of Polyjuice Potion to imitate certain students, all of whom hide away in their dorms after drinking a fine batch of invisibility potion. He then follows these select parents around and endures their horrifying, demeaning remarks about their “failure of a child” so his students don’t have to. He makes sure to give these students glowing praises to their parents when it’s his turn to offer feedback (after making up an excuse to go to the bathroom as the student), and takes mental notes of the parents’ most prominent criticisms so he can be sure to compliment those parts of his students during their next assignments (and also just because).

He brews sleeping potions for students he knows stay up all night studying and sometimes slips it into their drinks if they refuse to take it willingly. He then gives them back their (usually almost flawless) tests with the note that if they want a full O they need to sleep more.

He invites kids he knows don’t have many friends to have dinner and lunch and breakfast in his classroom whenever they’d like. He tries to make friends with some of them too, hoping to make their lives a little less lonely than his was.

He keeps an eye out for abusive home situations. He does his best to come up with excuses for those unfortunate students to stay at Hogwarts over breaks or to visit often over the summer. He tries to find them friends that will help them the way James helped Sirius and Regulus, and speaks to Mcgonogall about opening a home for these kids on campus. He does his best to be the parent he knows these kids don’t have, and is open about his own horrid past in hopes of getting some of them to fess up so he can help them better than he can without hearing it explicitly from their mouths.

He uses his Pensieve to collect happy memories of and for his students to reflect on when they need to and they sit in the corner of his classroom. (Among them are his wedding day to James and Lily, the day Harry was born, a couple playdates with the other Marauder children, Sirius and Remus’ wedding day, studying with Remus, pranking James with Sirius, Sirius and James asleep cuddled together with Remus on the couch in ugly Christmas sweaters, his son and many nieces and nephews playing dress-up, reading with Hermione and exploring with Luna and Newt, dancing with Draco (he likes to dance but was always ashamed to do it at the Malfoys), going on long drives with Regulus, the Blacks’ funeral (Regulus and Sirius performed a very gay stripper dance on top of their graves, it was beautiful), and many, many more.) Sometimes he can see his saddest students watching them and smiling, and their sad eyes twinkling make him smile.

He brings in a box of small kittens, puppies, and bunnies one day and lets them wander around the classroom. Some kids start crying because they haven’t felt this loved in years. After an incident with a bad potion and a rainbow puppy, he stops bringing them all out during class, but they’re there on the weekends and whenever a student needs to hug one (or borrow one, much to Mcgonogall’s chagrin).

He works to break down House biases and help students develop inter-House relationships and friendships. He wants every student to be proud of their House and not to treat anyone differently because of theirs. He creates (with Dumbledore, Sirius, and Regulus’ help) an annual House Pride, in which every student dresses up in their House colors and has their nails and skin painted and everyone is smiling and laughing and waving flags with their House emblems in the air. Even the teachers get in on it.

He stresses the importance of friendships, communication, and choices. He urges students not to make his mistakes by treating their friends well, talking about their feelings even if they’re ugly, and making the right choices in life for you and your loved ones, even if those choices are hard. He invites Lily in to talk about this too sometimes.

He sends out his Patronus every night to wander around the school. Often it comes back to him with nothing, but sometimes he can hear a student crying through it. He’ll instruct his doe to sit with the student until he gets there, and then he’ll walk around the castle, pretending to “accidentally” happen upon the crying student. He’ll sit with them until they’ve calmed down and listen if they want to talk and then take them to their dorm, bidding them goodnight and get well soon.

He gives students hugs when they want them. He didn’t want to originally, but Harry would greet him every class with a hug, and then one day Draco came in crying and attached himself to Severus like a sloth, so he patted him on the back and continued to hug him. Not long after, Hermione couldn’t figure out a potion and burst into tears out of frustration, turning and burying herself in his chest. After Luna wrapped her stick arms around his neck for no reason, Severus just accepted his fate and let his students hug him.

A lot of first years get scared in the hallways, since the staircases move and everywhere is incredibly crowded and they are oh so very small. Severus will often hold the hand of the most anxious ones for the first few weeks and walk them to class. Eventually they become more confident with the castle and themselves and stop needing it, but the occasional sixth year will slip their hand into his just because sometimes.

He walks around campus with students sometimes. He can tell when they’re nervous or sad or angry and he takes them on walks around the outskirts of campus and lets them vent. He also teaches them how to throw curses at the Whomping Willow just because (it’s for Remus but nobody’s gonna say it out loud).

He teaches students how to walk dramatically (as he should). He puts on student drag shows in the Great Hall with James’ help (who always kisses him way too enthusiastically because of it) and Dumbledore’s permission (so long as he gets to be the finale). The students work with Sirius on their drag looks and Sirius and Remus both join in the drag show for the opening act. Sirius’ job is to design and create the students’ looks while Remus tells them they look pretty and tames their stage fright. Severus just sits in the audience smirking while Lily screams in delight. (Regulus also shrieks with excitement eventually, though he does usually spend the first half trying to look disinterested.) (Peter’s job is to get the cookies and sweets (and underage alcohol).)

He turns into his snake Animagus form sometimes without warning when his students aren’t looking and just slithers around the classroom scaring the crap out of people. His favorite students are the ones brave enough to pet him. Harry and Newt are the only ones brave enough (and allowed) to wind him around their shoulders. Severus and Harry sometimes have conversations in Parseltongue.

He invents spells to help with dyslexia and other learning disabilities in his spare time. When he’s done with that he plans to try looking into some cures to mental illness. He’s thinking possibly a potion that treats PTSD by replacing traumatic memories with pictures of puppies, unicorns, bunnies, cats, and parrots. What do you think?

He tries hard to come up with solutions and modifications to his lessons for students with ADHD. He often talks to James about what the best steps to take are because James has ADHD. (So does Sirius, but his insecurities are bad enough that he won’t talk about it with anyone but Remus and James.)

He plays the violin sometimes during tests and uses Sonorus to make it echo throughout the classroom. Occasionally he cancels class and just plays until most of his students fall asleep. Those who want to work on extra work can, but he tries to keep their stress and general teenage angst to a minimum. (Though he encourages the emo phase.)

One of the first things he does after the Prank is get to work on a lycanthropy solution for Remus. After a couple years he invents the wolfsbane potion, but it doesn’t quite do the trick. Eventually he manages to figure out the cure, and when Remus finds out he cries so hard he can’t breathe right for days. (Sirius also cries. So does James. And Peter. And Lily and Regulus and Mcgonogall. Seriously, everyone cried and everyone hugged him and Severus tried to get away by transforming into his snake form but toddler Harry just grabbed him and refused to let go, so that didn’t work.) (He also helps Remus become a wolf Animagus when he asks almost a year later.)

He teaches certain kids Occlumency and Legilimency after school. It’s strictly for kids he knows come from abusive homes, whether they’re open about it or not, so they can tell when it’s going to be a bad night and get away or protect themselves. He teaches Occlumency for those who need to hide things from their parents (like Sirius and Regulus used to) and Legilimency to all, just in case. He focuses on stealth and untraceable versions of the craft to earn the kids as much time and protection as he can.

He figures out how to remove the Dark Mark from his own arm after the war. The next person he calls is Regulus, whose he also removes. He writes down the entire process and when the war starts up again, he keeps an eye out for students suddenly wearing long sleeves. He speaks with those he does find and helps them to make the right choice and join the right side of the war, starting with removing that horrid tattoo. (Draco bawls uncontrollably when Severus removes his.)

When they do the lesson on Veritaserum, he’s extra careful to make sure students don’t test it, especially on themselves or their friends. It, along with Amortentia, is the most guarded potion in his stash. The only times he uses it is when a student from an abusive home is too scared to tell him what’s going on, in which case he finds them somewhere private, asks them if they’d be okay with it and if so which teacher they want to be there to ask the questions (usually Remus, Sirius, or himself), and then administers the potion and leaves or begins to ask yes or no questions. It’s helped a lot of kids escape their families.

He tries to ease trepidations about himself early in the school year, since he’s aware he can be intimidating and the rampant stories regarding his time under Voldemort (though entirely as a spy) do not help. His friendships with Remus and Sirius often serve to alleviate students’ fears though, as they tend to tell embarrassing stories about him from their own Hogwarts days that make him seem more human (and make him want to strangle them, but that’s neither here nor there).

Every year, he works with Remus and Lily to arrange Muggleborn Pride. It’s an incredibly popular event with tons of Muggle inventions and artifacts floating through the air over students’ heads. At any time they can reach up and pull one down to study it. Many students dress as their favorite Muggle icons and characters. Because of this, Muggleborn students are more comfortable being who they are than ever before. (Some have even reclaimed the word Mudblood by setting up mud pits during their Pride.) (They also have more Slytherin Muggleborns now than any other time in recorded history.)

He tells Regulus’ story to every class of students, to teach them what true bravery is and how love and family, even if not blood, can change the course of history. Regulus survived his encounter with the Horcruxes and worked to destroy them and eventually Voldemort, but now lives away from the public eye in a secluded part of Muggle London. He and Severus are friends and visit often, and Regulus will occasionally come back to Hogwarts to say hello to his brother and mum (Remus), but for the most part he keeps his life intensely private. He allows his family to tell his story because he wants other kids to know they are not alone and that there is a way out, and that you are not a bad person for things you did in your childhood. Severus does his best to do it justice.

He has incredibly loud arguments with Dumbledore until he finally agrees to implement sex ed as a mandatory class at Hogwarts. Severus works with the other Marauders on the curriculum and they try to include multiple angles and identities in their lesson plan. At first they try to trust Remus with it, but Remus doesn’t go anywhere without Sirius who is less than tactful and Remus himself has some deadpan sarcasm and a lack of shame to rival James Potter’s, so. They try Lily. She can’t stop giggling. Finally they beg Regulus to come back and teach it. He’s surprisingly… perfect for the job. (He steals parenting books from Amir, that’s his secret.)

When James visits, everything becomes chaos for a bit. While he mostly hangs out with Sirius and Remus and causes trouble with them, he certainly seems to enjoy sitting in the back of Severus’ classroom and bothering him during lessons. The only way to get him to leave is to turn into a snake and wind himself around his shoulders, which makes James shriek and sputter and run away (James has always had an irrational fear of snakes; odd that he married one then, innit?). But when James isn’t causing chaos, he’s following Severus around adoringly and grabbing at his hand, whispering jokes in his ear and kissing his cheek. Despite all of the times he’s a pain in the ass, there are always these little moments that remind Severus why he fell in love with him in the first place (entirely unwillingly and with much stubborn pride on both ends, but, well. It is what it is and they got here eventually, so that’s all that matters).

When Lily visits, everything is calm. She reigns all of the Marauders in and forces them to have picnics under the tree where they all used to do homework. She often holds Severus’ hand and dances with him there, turning his insides to useless goo. She’s always full of laughter and fairy bells, and though she makes every student question their priorities and life decisions, she’s a favorite of them all. Not a day goes by that someone doesn’t pull him aside and say, “You’re a lucky, lucky man.” (Or, in James’ case: “Fuck, love, how’d we bloody manage that?” (Severus just shrugs. It’s not like he knows.))

He helps kids with autism feel more like they belong. He also works to educate non-autistic students how to better socialize and respect those who are, and takes extra care to dispel myths about autism and its causes, effects, and characteristics. Lily helps when she can.

Above all, Severus tries to give his students the education he never had. Anything he can provide for them he will. He’s been given a second chance and by Merlin is he going to bloody use it.

[winter-dayz]

F*ck. I’m so in Love with You | 36 - The Platonic Date

Minho takes Y/N for coffee. He gives her a hard wake-up call.

Pairing: Kim Namjoon x Idol!Reader Idol AU; Slice of Life; Textfic Genre: Angst; Fluff Warnings: strong language, suggestive content

“I call the last croissant.” Minho stated, while simultaneously reaching for the last of the pastries he’d bought for them. Y/N gave him a small smile before staring back down at her coffee. “Uh-uh. No. I did not bring you out today so you could be all sad.”

She looked up at her friend, brows furrowed, “Huh?”

“Listen, I know everyone else has been tip-toeing around with the sad eyes and the ‘are you okays?’ But you obviously aren’t, so vent.”

Y/N threw her head back with a loud groan. “I’m fine. I don’t need to vent, and you’re right, everyone does keep asking if I’m okay. Which, I am.”

“If you’re so ‘okay’ why did you just kill your tart.” Minho nodded down to the plate in front of her, where she had unknowingly crumbled her apple tart in her frustration.

The girl glanced down at her ruined food with a pout, eliciting a soft scoff from her friend as he slid the croissant to her instead. She beamed up at him and took a bite of the chocolate-filled pastry. When she finished, and took a sip of her iced coffee, she finally sighed, “Okay, so maybe I’m not totally over it. But do I have to be? I know we weren’t really serious or anything... and we only dated for a few months… But it’s still only been two weeks since the breakup. And like you said, everyone keeps bringing it up. It’s hard to even process my own thoughts and emotions when everyone else has an opinion to throw in too.”

“I never said you were supposed to be over it. Everyone processes things at different speeds…” Minho shrugged, “What would help you process though?”

“I don’t know.” Y/N huffed, feeling frustrated again. “I’ve never had a real relationship before so I’m not sure how to move on from it…” She added in a hush.

Minho choked a bit, “Never? Seriously?”

“Well, I mean, I had school girl crushes and valentine’s… That kind of thing. But when I started my trainee days, I took them very seriously. Then we debuted and… well, you know the backlash idols get for dating, so I avoided it.”

He nodded in understanding, “I get it… I’m just surprised because… honestly, look at you. Who wouldn’t want to date you?”

Y/N flipped her hair over her shoulder, laughing, “I never said I wasn’t pretty, Min! I just didn’t have time to date.”

“And what changed with him?”

She paused, “Nothing really… I guess I still didn’t have time for a relationship. I just finally wanted to make time.”

“Do you feel like he didn’t make time for you?”

Her eyes widened, “Oh, no! I wouldn’t say he didn’t… He just couldn’t.”

“Y/N…” Minho sighed, “Don’t bullshit with me. You can’t move on because you keep making excuses. It’s okay if he didn’t make time for you. It’s okay if you didn’t either. It doesn’t mean you didn’t like each other or shouldn’t have at least tried. It just means that you both have different priorities and it wasn’t the right time.”

“Thanks Min…” She smiled, genuinely, “The breakup wasn’t bad. Really. It was just confusing because for a long time, I didn’t even know where we stood with each other… I think I keep blaming myself. That if I liked him enough, I should’ve waited for him longer or cleared more of my schedule. But you’re right.”

“I often am.” Minho smirked, causing Y/N to giggle. “Now… Let’s talk about you and Lix…” He side-eyed her.

It was Y/N’s turn to sputter her coffee. “Why do we keep getting teased about that? We aren’t flirting!”

“Maybe not since you and Namjoon were official, but I have eyes. I’ve seen you all cuddly with him at the dorms.”

“I cuddle with you too!”

“Yeah, but you don’t stare lovingly into my eyes like you do with Felix,” Minho teased, leading Y/N out of the café. “Wait… who else noticed it?”

Y/N rolled her eyes, “Kaeo. She’s relentless in our crackhead chat. She keeps insisting we’re flirting, and we’re not.”

Minho scoffed and turned down the street, muttering under his breath so she wouldn’t hear, “Maybe you’re not…”

Masterlist | FILY Masterpost | Previous * Next

Taglist:  @soobin-chois

[twomanyideas]

It's Not Like That!

A collaboration by @mdelpin and @oryu404 Series: The Changing of the Seasons Pairing(s): Lyon x Erza, Gray x Natsu, Sting x Rogue, Jellal x Erza (discussed)

AO3

Summary: “Is that the new Sorcerer?”

“It is.” Sting wiggled his eyebrows.

“Let me see that!” Lucy got up, making an unsuccessful lunge at the magazine. “Did they get pictures of her date with Jellal? Jason mentioned he was going to be around over the weekend.”

“Oh, it definitely features Erza with someone, but it’s not Jellal.”

0-0

Tomorrow is your lucky day!

Erza didn’t know whether to laugh or cry as she thought of Cana telling her those words the previous night. She’d let herself believe it, too. How could she not, when Cana had seemed so sure? And her predictions were never wrong.

But they were this time. It wasn't Erza’s lucky day. Not by a long shot. She glanced at the note in her hand, rereading it for the third time in the vain hope that maybe if she read it enough times, the message would magically change.

Erza,

I’m sorry, I won’t be able to meet you today. Erik finally got a lead on that dark guild we’ve been tracking for months. If we don’t go after them now, they might go underground again. I know you’ll understand. We can try again next month.

Yours,

Jellal

Next month?!

Erza knew she had no right to be upset. Jellal was chasing after a dangerous guild. He was doing a good thing, but she couldn’t help but feel like it was an excuse, that he was avoiding her.

After the war had ended, Queen Hisui had pardoned the members of Crime Sorciere of all their crimes. They had been free to join the light guilds for months. To establish a base somewhere in Fiore, rather than continue to act as fugitives. Erza had hoped that Jellal would finally settle down somewhere, that they could begin to explore the feelings that, while unspoken, had always existed between them.

But did they really? Could it be that all this time she’d only seen what she’d wanted to see?

No, she didn’t think that was it, but she also didn’t understand what the problem was. All around her, people were pairing up, getting married and starting families. All things she'd always dreamed of for herself. But she and Jellal were still standing still.

There had been so many excuses over the years - the fake fiancée, his status as a fugitive, their childhood friends hating him for lying and enslaving them for the better part of ten years. The list went on and on, but Erza had never given up on him. Not even when he’d tried to sacrifice her to the Tower. So why was he giving up on them just when all their obstacles had been removed?

She sighed, separating the note from the flowers it had come with- a bouquet of red roses similar to the ones she'd received last time. And the time before that. She put them in a vase on her vanity table and requipped into her usual outfit.

The dress she'd bought after hearing the news about the pardon lay on her bed, price tag still attached to the label in the nape, and once again, it ended up back in the closet, next to the others.

Usually when this happened, she’d go to the guild and vent her frustration on a training dummy or a willing Natsu, but this time she was more sad than anything else. She couldn’t shake the feeling that something was ending, which was ridiculous considering it had never started in the first place.

She decided to head to the guild anyway, knowing that moping by herself would only make her feel worse. Once again, her thoughts strayed to Cana’s prediction, and she snorted.

Lucky day indeed. What a joke that turned out to be.

Erza made her way through the streets of Magnolia, stopping now and then to peer at shop windows. And despite the chilly weather, it wasn’t long before she found herself at the outdoor market, enticed by the sound of street performers and the cheerful displays. There were all kinds of things for sale, from clothing to weapons, and she flitted from stall to stall, looking for something to add to her collection.

She’d just begun haggling for a kanzashi when she heard someone call out to her.

“Hello Erza.”

She turned her head, recognizing the voice but not placing it right away, and was surprised to find Lyon Vastia standing beside her.

“Lyon?” She summoned up the best smile she could. “What brings you here?”

“I was planning on dropping in on Gray.” He picked up a sword from the vendor's table, examining its blade before setting it back down.

“Oh, Gray left on a job with the rest of the team. They’re not expected back for a few more days.”

“That's too bad. I’m surprised you didn’t go with them. Don’t they get into more trouble without you around to act as impulse control?”

Erza knew he was right, but when they had brought up the job, she’d already made plans with Jellal, optimistic that this time he wouldn’t cancel.

“They’re not that bad.” She protested, but even she had to admit it didn’t sound very convincing.

“As someone who has seen what they’re capable of, I respectfully disagree.” Lyon chuckled. “Did you have plans for today?”

“I did, but they didn’t quite work out.” Erza turned her attention back to the kanzashi, not wanting Lyon to notice her disappointment. “Is there something I can help you with, or was it just a visit?”

“There is, actually,” Lyon said after a brief pause. Erza looked up to find him studying her. “A friend of mine is having a baby and since I’m here, I may as well try to find her a gift. Trouble is, I know absolutely nothing about babies.”

“You were going to ask Gray for help with that?” Erza asked in horrified disbelief.

Lyon chuckled. “Not at all. I suspect he might be even more clueless than me. But maybe you could help me with that?”

“Is it for anyone I know?”

“Yes, you remember Sherry, don’t you?”

“She’s having a baby? But she’s younger than I am…” Erza said before remembering that while she’d been under the effects of Fairy Sphere for nearly seven years, everyone else had continued to age.

“Oh… right. She was.”

“So, what do you say?” Lyon squeezed her shoulder briefly, but didn’t let his arm rest there. “Are you willing to help an old friend out? I’ll even throw in some lunch for your trouble.”

“Oh, you don’t have to do that. I’d be happy to help.”

“Nonsense, it’s no trouble.” He dismissed her protests with a dramatic wave of his hand. "Were you going to buy those, uhm… what are those?"

Erza smiled at the confused expression on his face. “These are kanzashi. They’re a self-defense weapon that doubles as a hairpin.”

Lyon picked one of them up, turning it around in his hands before sticking it in his hair at a jaunty angle. “What do you think? Does it suit me?”

“I think,” Erza said, getting ready to scold him for his behavior when he flashed her a mischievous grin. Until now, she'd only ever seen Lyon during a fight or when he was bickering with Gray. They'd never gotten close enough for her to see this playful side of him before. It suited him.

“You’ve come a long way from your Cold Emperor days.” Erza blurted, wincing as she realized that might not have been the best thing to say, especially when he looked away from her, removing the kanzashi and placing it back on the merchant’s table.

“I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to—”

“I’m glad you think so,” Lyon interrupted her apology, turning back to her with a smile. “I can’t say I’m proud of who I was back then, but I like to think I’ve learned from my mistakes.”

He was right, of course, but it was so different from what she was used to that she didn’t even know how to respond. It was so refreshing to hear him not only own up to his past mistakes, but to see how he’d grown past them. And even though she knew it wasn’t a fair comparison, she wished Jellal could adopt some of his attitude.

“Shall we get going?”

“Hmm? Oh yes,” Erza blinked, bringing her thoughts back to the present, “I think there’s a shop a few blocks from here that sells what you’re looking for.”

Lyon straightened his cape and offered her his arm. “Lead the way.”

Erza linked her arm with his, though she felt slightly awkward doing so. She wasn’t used to being treated this way, although she also couldn’t say she minded it. Most men she met fell into one of two categories. They were either intimidated by her or were incredibly forward with their attentions. Lyon’s chivalry was a pleasant change of pace.

It didn’t take them long to find the store nestled in between a bookstore and a jeweler. Its windows displayed mannequins clad in fashionable maternity outfits and colorful baby clothes, along with stuffed animals and other small toys. Lyon let go of her arm to open the door and she hurried inside, eager to examine everything. There were so many things to look at, she didn’t know where to start.

“Good morning!” The shopkeeper looked up from the checkout counter. “Look around and please let me know if you need any help finding anything.”

There were tables full of bibs, onesies, and booties, and Erza soon lost herself in the allure of fabrics and bright colors. She helped Lyon pick out outfits and toys for the baby, setting some aside into a pile until she realized what she was doing.

There was no reason for her to buy them. None of her friends were expecting, and she certainly wouldn’t be needing them anytime soon. She picked a couple of outfits and one toy to gift Sherry and put the rest away.

Lyon had selected some maternity dresses, holding them up in front of Erza’s body to get a feel for the sizing.

“Maybe I should get Sherry some clothes, too. What do you think of this one?”

“Is this your first baby?” The shopkeeper interrupted, approaching them with a smile of delight.

“We’re shopping for a friend, but yes, it’s her first baby.”

“Wonderful!” The woman practically beamed at them. “How far along is she?”

Lyon extended his hand away from his stomach to show Sherry’s size.

“She means months!”

“Oh.” Lyon looked sheepish as he put his hand down. “The baby is due in May.”

“Those might be too small, then. Why don’t I show you some dresses that might fit her better?”

She led Lyon to a different rack, and Erza continued to explore the store’s offerings.

There were cribs, mobiles, pillows, books, and many gadgets she’d never even considered. She was admiring a crib when Lyon joined her, showing her the dresses he’d picked out.

“I think those are lovely. Sherry is sure to love them.”

She watched as Lyon continued to add items to his pile. Books, stuffed animals, clothing, and now he’d shifted his attention to the cribs.

“I thought I liked to shop,” she couldn’t help but tease, although secretly she thought it was rather sweet.

“Is it too much?” Lyon asked, looking down at the items worriedly.

“Not at all. I’m just surprised to see you get so into this. Any time I take Gray out shopping, he does nothing but complain and ask if I'm done yet.”

“I’m not usually a fan, either,” Lyon confided, “but Sherry’s always believed in me. I want her and her baby to have the best of everything.”

Hearing Lyon talk about Sherry with such devotion warmed her heart. It reminded her that, even though some things were still missing in her life, she could always count on the love and support of her friends.

“Well, she’s lucky to have a friend like you.” She said, squeezing his arm.

Lyon looked away, but Erza caught a reddish tint to his ears and grinned, realizing that just like Gray, he didn’t like to be fussed over. He walked over to the counter to pay for his purchases, writing the address where the crib was to be delivered on a piece of paper.

Erza knew that not all guilds were like Fairy Tail. Learning of how Master Jiemma had treated the members of Sabertooth had certainly opened her eyes to some of the things that went on behind closed doors. Things that their current master, Sting Eucliffe, had worked very hard to fix. And although she didn’t know much about Lamia Scale, she was incredibly grateful that they had taken Wendy in and treated her like family during Fairy Tail's time of disbandment.

She was glad Lyon had followed Gray’s advice to join a guild so long ago, and that Lamia Scale had proven to be such a good fit. He had changed so much since they had first met, and she couldn’t help but be proud of the man he’d become.

“Shall we go have lunch?” Lyon said once she had paid for her items. He maneuvered their many shopping bags around until he had a free arm to offer her again, and she gladly accepted it.

“Yes, I’d be delighted.” And she meant it too. The day might have taken an unexpected turn, but Erza couldn’t help but feel it had been a lucky one.

0-0

Lunch with Lyon had been fun. She honestly couldn’t remember the last time she’d enjoyed herself so much. They’d chatted about the new Magic Council, their guilds, and even swapped stories about Gray as a kid. She was sure wherever he was, his ears must have been ringing. Through it all, she hadn’t once thought of Jellal or her earlier disappointment.

But all that had changed the moment she returned to her room at Fairy Hills and set eyes on the red roses on her vanity table, a reminder of why she’d gone into town in the first place.

And for the first time, a thought struck her. What if the reason Jellal sent her red roses was not because they represented his feelings for her, but because they reminded him of her hair color, which he’d always liked?

I remember now; it was the color of your hair…

She could still remember the way she’d felt when Jellal had said those words as the Rune Knights took him into custody. The hope that had bloomed in her heart, even when it had seemed she might never see him again.

After she’d learned Ultear and Meredy had broken him out of prison, Erza had done everything in her power to show him she’d forgiven him for the things he’d done during his time at the Tower of Heaven. She’d supported his decisions even when she didn’t agree with them and aided him any way she could. Every awkward moment they’d shared over the years had built up her hope that if she only waited long enough, everything would work itself out.

But that day had come and gone, and he’d made no effort to seek her out. There wasn’t much left she could do, save force her feelings on him to get her way, and that was the one thing she was determined never to do. She’d watched Juvia make that mistake over and over, and seen the results firsthand.

So where did that leave her?

More than anything, she wanted Jellal to find peace. To finally get to a point where he could not only accept forgiveness for his past actions, but grant it to himself as well. It had been almost ten years since the Tower of Heaven had collapsed, but it didn’t feel like he’d made much progress in that regard. He stubbornly held on to his guilt, firmly believing he could never truly make up for his sins. No matter how much good he’d done since.

And as she got ready for bed, she couldn’t help but wonder. Did that apply to her too? When Jellal looked at her, was it possible he still saw her as the little girl he’d once hurt so badly? Did being with her cause him pain?

That thought gave her pause. She didn’t like it, but she also couldn’t discount it. She grabbed the note and climbed into bed, reading it again and hugging it to her chest.

Wherever you are… Please be careful.

0-0

Erza stepped off the train as soon as it arrived at Magnolia Station. She'd taken a few simple jobs over the past few days, both to keep herself busy while she waited and to take her mind off the doubts that had crept in after her day out with Lyon.

“She doesn’t look any different to me.”

“I heard it happened during the war. How romantic!”

“She’s got that glow, you know?”

She heard many comments like these on her way to the guild, but Erza didn’t pay them any mind. They didn’t sound like they had anything to do with her and frankly; she had bigger things to worry about. Her team was scheduled to return, and she was eager to hear how their job had gone. This was the first big mission they’d taken since the war had ended, and despite the assurances she’d given Lyon on Sunday, she’d definitely been worried. With all that pent up energy, there was no telling what might have happened.

She noticed that people seemed to pay her more attention than usual, turning their heads as she passed and whispering behind her back, but she shrugged the thought away as soon as the guild doors came into view.

They opened, and Mirajane came out. She noticed Erza and hurried over with her usual smile. “Hey! Did you just get back?”

“Yeah, I took the early train home. Skipped breakfast, though.”

“Oh, you must be starving! I’ll be back in a few minutes to make you something. I just want to run out and get the new—”

“Sorcerer’s Weekly?” Erza finished for her with a laugh. “You never change. Are you in this one?”

Mira giggled. “Nope, but it’s always fun to see who is. I’ll be back soon. Oh, and Natsu and the others are back.”

“Did they get into any trouble?”

“I’ll be back soon!” Mira repeated, evading her question and setting off with a quick wave.

It was hard for Erza to be annoyed at her, seeing as the fool was practically skipping in her excitement to get at the new gossip. She shook her head with a fond smile, knowing she’d have her answer soon enough. It took her less than a minute to arrive at the guild doors and enter.

“You’re back!”

Her teammates greeted her with varying degrees of excitement, causing her to take a step back and peer at each one intently.

“So, how did the job go?”

Her eyes narrowed as she noticed Gray evading her gaze. Suspicious for sure. Wendy smiled at her, while Lucy looked like she was trying to decide whether she wanted to say something. Natsu didn’t pay her much attention after his initial greeting, too busy inhaling the ridiculous amounts of food that was piled on his plate as Happy cheered him on.

“It was fine.” Wendy moved closer to Lucy to make room for Erza.

“I wouldn’t call that fine,” Lucy muttered.

Erza raised her eyebrow in response. “Oh? Did something happen?”

“I’ll say something happened.” Lucy complained, shooting Gray an irritated glare that amused Erza. “Gray got himself arrested for public indecency again. And don’t get me started on Natsu.”

“Me?” Natsu said, tuning in to the conversation upon hearing his name, “What did I do?”

“You ate all of your money, so I had to bail your boyfriend out.”

“I don’t see what the big deal is.” Natsu shrugged. “It happens all the time. And he paid you back, didn’t he?”

Erza shook her head and chuckled as her two friends continued to bicker, soon joined by Gray, with Wendy trying to diffuse. Carla crossed her arms and expressed her disdain. Nothing had changed.

Relieved to hear they hadn’t tarnished Fairy Tail’s good name, Erza let Gray off with only a mild scolding. “Be sure to keep your clothes on next time.”

“It’s not like I can help it,” Gray muttered.

“What was that?” Erza put her hands on her hips and raised an eyebrow at him.

“Yes, ma’am.”

Natsu snickered, and Gray retaliated by stealing some food from his plate, setting off another round of bickering.

She ignored them, sitting down next to Wendy and wishing for Mirajane’s return. She really was hungry.

“So, Erza,” Lucy turned to her with a glint in her eye that Erza didn’t like, “What did you do this weekend?”

Natsu sniffed the air, and whatever he smelled caused him to quickly tap Gray on the shoulder.

"Incoming." He gestured toward the guild doors. Gray only nodded, but his entire demeanor changed, tension visibly settling in his muscles.

Erza had barely had time to consider the odd behavior when the door opened to reveal Juvia’s arrival. The water mage stood in the foyer, scanning the tables intently. It wasn’t long before she found the one person she was looking for.

“Gray-sama, you’re back!”

In the time it took Juvia to reach them, the boys had moved until the only available space to sit at their table was next to Natsu. Erza watched as Juvia stood next to Gray, wringing her hands and staring at him with heart filled eyes as she always did.

“Can Gray-sama make room for Juvia?”

“I’m fine where I am, but there’s room next to Natsu if you want to sit with us.”

Juvia continued to stand where she was, staring down at Gray hopefully, but when he didn’t move, she pouted and sat next to Natsu.

It had been months since Natsu and Gray had announced they were in a relationship. The news had surprised everyone, including Erza, but after everything they had gone through during the war, she could only be happy for them. Unfortunately, the same wasn’t true of Juvia and Lucy. They’d had a much harder time accepting the unexpected turn of events.

To her credit, Lucy had attempted to handle it with grace, although Erza knew she wasn’t exactly okay with it. She didn’t think Natsu had ever been aware of Lucy’s feelings for him, and though Lucy did her best to act happy for them, there were occasional cracks in her defenses. It was one of the many reasons Erza had been nervous about having them go on that job without her.

Juvia hadn’t been as subtle. Which is to say, she outright refused to believe that Gray's heart belonged to someone who wasn't her. They had all tried to talk to her at different times to get her to see reason, but not much had changed. She was still as determined as ever to win Gray over.

Erza had hoped that spending a few days away from the boys would give Juvia some time to come to terms with her disappointment. But as they all sat in awkward silence, watching Natsu continue to eat while pointedly ignoring Juvia, it was clear she’d been too optimistic.

“What is taking Mira so long?!” Erza complained as her stomach rumbled in protest.

The guild doors swung open and Erza perked up. Speak of the devil! But when she turned her head, she saw Sting and Rogue entering the guild hall instead.

Well, that should certainly make the guild lively.

"Morning!" Sting greeted, loud and cheerful as always. He had a copy of Sorcerer clutched under one arm, while the other was linked with Rogue’s. Rogue saluted them with a tall coffee cup, and Lector and Frosch floated just behind them.

“Sting, Rogue,” Erza greeted politely. She smiled as Wendy got up and hurried to meet them.

Rogue gave her a hug, and Frosch and Lector greeted her warmly, but Sting seemed to only have eyes for Erza, and he looked entirely too amused for her liking.

Natsu called them to the table, and they made their way over, waving to the other guild members as they walked past. And still, Sting remained eerily focused on her. It made no sense.

“Erza!” Sting grinned, giving her a once over that would have given her pause, had she not known any better. “So it’s true what they say. You are most definitely glowing!” Glowing? Why would she be glowing? She had half a mind to ignore him, but the comment reminded her of some of the things she’d heard the villagers say on her way to the guild.

“Glowing?” Natsu peered at her and then turned to Sting with a frown. “What are you going on about? She looks the same as always to me.”

Gray grunted his agreement, looking mostly like he wished he was anywhere else, whereas Lucy’s eyes had moved to the copy of Sorcerer’s Weekly Sting held.

“Is that the new Sorcerer?”

“It is.” Sting wiggled his eyebrows.

“Let me see that!” Lucy got up, making an unsuccessful lunge at the magazine. “Did they get pictures of her date with Jellal? Jason mentioned he was going to be around over the weekend.”

“Oh, it definitely features Erza with someone, but it’s not Jellal.”

Erza most certainly did not like the sound of that, and suddenly she had a nagging suspicion she knew exactly what was in those pictures.

“Ooh! Who was it with?” Cana joined them, holding her morning keg of beer. “Did they get any good shots?”

Suggestions poured from all corners of the guild. Some suggested Bacchus, others Eve. Each suggestion was more ridiculous than the next. And when someone was stupid enough to suggest Ichiya, Erza was about ready to reach for her sword.

“You guys are all way off.”

“It was—” Sting drawled, but before he could finish, the guild doors opened again and quickly slammed shut. Someone stood against them, panting, but Erza couldn’t make out who it was, as everyone was still mobbing her.

Natsu sniffed the air, wrinkling his nose at whatever he smelled. “Is that—”

“Lyon?” Gray completed Natsu’s sentence as he recognized his brother.

“Ding ding ding! We have a winner!” Sting made a dramatic gesture towards the door.

Gray ignored him, rushing to check on Lyon. “What happened?”

No, no, no! What’s Lyon doing here?!

Her fingers moved of their own volition, adjusting her skirt and smoothing her hair, even as she peered at the ice mage with concern. He looked out of sorts, his clothes were in disarray, and his hair, which was usually perfectly styled, stuck to his forehead in sweaty tendrils.

“I didn’t realize Sherry had so many fans in Magnolia,” Lyon said, grabbing on to Gray’s shoulder as he gasped for breath. “Ever since I got off the train, people kept asking me about her and the baby. They swarmed me. It was nuts.”

“Are you alright?” Wendy moved away from Rogue to check on Lyon with her magic.

“You needn’t worry, Wendy. I’m fine, just a little winded.”

“You’re not making any sense.” Gray puzzled. “Why would random strangers ask you about Sherry’s baby?”

“I have no idea.” Lyon said, sounding increasingly bewildered. He removed the satchel that was slung across his body, placing it on the ground while he adjusted his clothes. “It was strange, too. It almost felt like they thought it was my kid.”

“Yeah, about that...” Rogue grimaced, rubbing his neck. "You might wanna sit down, maybe get a glass of wine."

“Huh?” Gray and Lyon chorused, moving away from the door just in time for it to burst open again.

“Erza Scarlet!” Mira stomped inside. “I am so mad at you right now! How dare you not tell me you were dating Lyon Vastia?! I thought we were friends.” The angry pout she gave Erza faltered when she spotted their visitor. “Oh, hi, Lyon. When did you get here?”

“Dating?” Lyon blinked, his eyes searching through the crowd, and Erza could only imagine he was looking for her.

"Congratulations, Daddy!" Sting laughed, holding up the magazine for everyone to see its cover, which had a picture of her and Lyon at that baby store. And to make matters worse, he read the headline aloud. “Jellal is out of the picture! The Fairy Queen and her Ice Prince are expecting their first child!”

The guild erupted in chaos. Natsu joined Sting in laughter, while the girls made high-pitched noises Erza couldn't distinguish from actual words. Lyon's eyes went wide as he exchanged glances with a shocked Gray and Rogue, who just nodded regretfully.

Erza felt her blood pressure rising. She’d tried to be a good sport about the teasing, but it felt like everyone had suddenly lost their minds.

This nonsense had gone far enough.

“Give me that!” She got up and snatched the magazine out of Sting’s hands, no longer in any mood to be polite.

She looked at the picture on the cover. Okay, that wasn’t too bad. They’d been buying things for Sherry. That was easy enough to explain away. She opened the magazine, looking for the article it promised and feeling a little more confident that this would all blow over soon.

Lucy, Mira, and Cana pressed in close, as they too tried to get a glimpse of the article.

“Don’t you already have a copy?” Erza complained to Mira.

“No! It’s sold out everywhere. I only know about it because that seems to be the only thing people are talking about in town.”

Erza filed that news away for later. She flipped through the pages until she found the article. Jason had dedicated a two page spread to the story. Her eyes froze on the first picture and she immediately realized it was so much worse than she’d expected.

Not only were there several more pictures of them at the store. One of Lyon holding the maternity dresses up against her body, another of them picking out baby clothes together, and one of a moment she didn’t even remember, but they were standing very close to each other.

They’d also gotten pictures of them around town, walking arm in arm, standing at the canal bridge, and laughing together at lunch. She couldn’t argue that with the pictures presented this way, it very much looked like they’d been out on a date. She felt the heat rising to her cheeks, a combination of the anger and embarrassment that flowed through her veins.

Erza didn’t know what to do with her eyes, and she hated that Lyon was not only in the middle of this mess but also there to see her reaction. She did a mental inventory of her armors, trying to decide which one she would wear when she paid Jason a brief visit later.

Purgatory armor came to mind…

She heard the sound of Gray, Wendy, and Lyon’s footsteps approaching her and she wanted nothing more than to run away, but her friends had her pinned and she didn’t want to make an even bigger scene.

“May I?”

Erza didn’t immediately respond to Lyon’s request, but Cana and Lucy moved out of the way to give him room to examine the magazine. Cana headed over to discuss the situation with Gray, and Erza could only hope that Loke didn’t pop in for one of his impromptu visits. She was in no mood for any of his inappropriate commentary. Mira, however, remained glued to her side, and her squeals as she read whatever drivel Jason had concocted were not helping Erza’s state of mind in the slightest.

“Surely, it can’t be as bad as all that?” Lyon’s voice was kind, and as much as she didn’t want to, Erza knew she had to look at him.

She looked up finally, their eyes meeting for the briefest of seconds. Long enough for her heart to skip a beat, and to recognize his amusement at the situation, or maybe at her reaction.

“Why don’t we sit down?” He suggested, “Maybe have some of that wine like Rogue suggested. Mira, do you think you could do that for us?”

“Are you sure wine is good for her in her cond—” Sting started, but the rest of that sentence died out, muffled by Rogue’s hand.

Lyon fixed him with a glare that, for once, put Gray to shame.

“Oh, yes, of course, right away,” Mira responded, finally tuning in to Erza’s mood. “You mentioned you were hungry earlier. I’ll whip you up something too.”

“Thank you,” Erza said, although it was mostly directed at Lyon for getting Mira to go away for a while.

They sat back down at the table and Erza laid out the magazine so they could both look at it. Gray, Natsu, Lucy, Juvia and Wendy squeezed in around them, with Sting and Rogue hovering behind them, but they all remained silent for the moment.

Erza tried to read, but her eyes remained on the damning pictures. She could feel her friends’ eyes on her, and it only added to her discomfort.

“So, why are you here, anyway?” Gray asked Lyon. “Were you looking for me?”

“Well, this is a bit awkward now.” Lyon said, running his hand through his hair in a futile attempt to put it back to rights. “I actually came here to see Erza. Sherry loved everything we got for her and I wanted to thank Erza for all her help, so I, uhm…”

“You know what?” He gripped the strap of his bag tightly against his chest. “Nevermind.”

“What’cha got there?” Natsu peered at him with interest, his gaze focused on the bag as if trying to decipher what secrets it held.

“It’s nothing.”

“You’re forgetting, there are four dragon slayers here at the moment.” Natsu sniffed the air, and it didn’t take long for a teasing smile to appear on his face. “Are those flowers?”

“Kindly keep your nose away from my things, you nosy dragon,” Lyon snapped. “Those were supposed to be a thank you gift!”

Lyon opened his bag and removed a bouquet of brightly colored flowers. Yellow daffodils mixed with blue and white snowbells, and some other flowers Erza didn't know the name of, but there wasn't a single red one among them. They were beautiful.

He handed it to her with a shy smile. “For you.”

“Y-You got me flowers?” Erza stammered, feeling her cheeks light up again as she admired the bouquet. “They’re lovely, but you didn’t have to do that. You’d already bought me lunch.”

Wendy smiled widely at Lyon. “That’s so thoughtful!”

"He loooooves you!" Happy bleated, and Erza would have loved nothing more than to punt him again for it.

"Fro thinks so too!"

She could forgive Frosch, though. They were adorable.

Lyon ignored the teasing, choosing to read the article quietly instead.

“When will someone buy flowers for Juvia?” Juvia sighed, looking at Gray with her best puppy eyes. When Gray ignored her, she turned to Lyon, giving him the same look.

"Don't look at me. You made it very clear that you weren't interested in me, and I'm respecting that," Lyon deflected, only glancing up from the magazine briefly.

"More people should try that," Sting muttered.

“You don't need some man to buy you flowers, beautiful. We can treat ourselves to some right now,” Cana said, breaking the awkward silence that followed. “Why don’t we go to the flower shop and see what they have?” She grabbed Juvia by the hand and tugged, leading her out of the guild despite her protests.

“Ugh, I don’t wanna watch this sappy crap,” Natsu complained. “Let’s go outside and spar or something.”

“Spar? Hell yeah, I’m up for that.” Sting cracked his knuckles in anticipation.

“Save it for later. Miss Anna and Gajeel are waiting for us,” Rogue reminded him.

“Oh, right.”

“Well, we might as well get going then.” Natsu stood up from the table. He raised his arms up over his head, joining his hands before pulling them up in a noisy stretch. Bringing his arms down, he wrapped them around Gray’s neck and leaned in for a quick kiss.

“See you later, Ice Princess.”

"Have fun, Flame Brain."

Natsu headed towards the guild door followed by Rogue, who dragged Sting along as he struggled against his boyfriend's grip and complained over his shoulder.

"Careful with my magazine!"

“I’m sorry we didn’t get a chance to talk more,” Wendy told Lyon, hugging him tightly.

“That’s alright, I’m sure I’ll see you at Lamia soon.” Lyon said, resting his head on Wendy’s shoulder briefly as he returned her hug. “Chelia always enjoys your visits.”

Wendy brightened at the mention of her friend. “Then Carla and I will make sure to visit her soon!”

“Sounds good.”

After one last wave, Wendy joined the rest of the dragon slayers and they took off with their Exceeds, leaving only Lucy and Gray at the table. While there didn’t seem to be any hostility, Erza could almost touch the tension between them.

"I'm going to dip into the library," Lucy said after a few seconds of silence. "I really want to make some progress on the research for my novel."

She got up, offering a tight smile before heading to the basement, where the guild library was situated.

“It doesn't seem like your situation has improved much since the last time we talked.” Lyon commented, staring after Lucy thoughtfully.

“No, not really, but I’m sure she’ll come around eventually.” Gray shrugged. “Anyway, I’ve got an idiot free day, and you two have a lot to talk about, so I’m gonna bounce.”

With Gray gone, Erza found herself suddenly alone with Lyon, and despite all the things they had to discuss, she couldn’t think of a word to say. Thankfully, she needn’t have worried as he was quick to speak up.

“I’m so sorry about all this,” Lyon said, pointing at the magazine. “When I asked you for help, I had no idea something like this would come of it.”

“It’s not your fault.”

Mira arrived, holding a tray filled with two plates of food and two glasses of chilled white wine.

“Still, I’d be happy to clear things up with Jellal. I wouldn’t want to get in between you two,” Lyon offered.

“Oh, no. You don’t have to do that! We, uhm... There’s nothing—” Erza struggled to explain her situation, or lack of a situation with Jellal. She felt even more flustered because she knew Mira was listening to every word.

Finally, she just blurted out. “It’s not like that!”

She didn’t have time to see Lyon’s reaction, as just at that moment there was a loud gasp and a resounding crash. Mira had dropped her tray and all its contents all over the table, Erza and the floor.

“Oh, god, I’m such a klutz! Let me help you clean up!” She said, trying to dab at Erza’s skirt and armor with a tea towel.

“I-It’s fine!” Erza waved it off, getting up from her seat to assess the damage. The components of a chicken sandwich rolled off her lap and wine dripped down her breastplate, joining the stains on her skirt and running down her legs. She knew she could easily requip into another outfit, but at this point she welcomed the idea of having a few minutes to herself.

“I’m going to freshen up.”

As she hurried to the women's restroom, she heard Lyon offering to help Mira clean up and resisted the urge to look back. She closed the door behind her and leaned against it for a full minute with her eyes closed.

Once she’d calmed down, she walked over to one of the sinks and grabbed a paper towel, wetting it so she could wipe the wine off her legs.

“There was no need to get all flustered,” she told her reflection in the mirror. “He’s just being polite.”

“You’ll discuss what to do about this stupid magazine article, and that will be the end of that.”

Somehow, that didn’t make her feel as relieved as she thought it would.

She cleaned herself off as best she could before requipping, debating on a few different outfits before opting for a casual one: a black turtleneck with a short checkered skirt and a pair of tights.

When she returned to the table, she found Mira had already replaced their food and drink and, thankfully, made herself scarce. Lyon sat sipping his wine while looking at the magazine, but he looked up at her approach and offered her a welcoming smile.

“I have to hand it to Jason. Some of these pictures are quite nice. This one here is my favorite, though.” Sporting that same mischievous grin he’d had at the market, he pointed at the picture of the two of them standing on the canal bridge, looking out at the water.

“You have a beautiful smile.”

Erza was happy that he’d chosen not to mention her earlier outburst, but did he have to say such embarrassing things?!

What was she supposed to say to that? It had been less than five minutes since her return and already she was back to feeling flustered. The only thing she could think of to do to escape his scrutiny was to eat her sandwich, but her eyes kept straying back to peek at him.

Was he flirting with her?

Did she want him to?

“What does the article say?” Erza asked in between bites, wanting to change the conversation back to safer topics.

“Oh, you know, the usual Sorcerer’s Weekly fare. We shared a steamy night at Hargeon, and now we’re madly in love and expecting our first child. Very romantic, I approve.”

“How can you say that? Shouldn’t you take this more seriously?”

“How can I?” Lyon teased, laughing at her outrage. “It says here I’m leaving Lamia Scale to join Fairy Tail because I can’t stand being apart from you.”

All of a sudden, his smile withered.

“What’s the matter? Is there something worse?” Erza grabbed the magazine, determined to read the article for herself.

“Yes, I just realized he might be right about that last part. Sherry and Chelia get together every week to look at this thing. I can never go back there.”

“Idiot! You scared me!” She wanted to scold him, but she couldn’t contain her smile at his overdramatic expression.

“There it is again…”

Oh…

He was definitely flirting with her, and the fluttering Erza felt in her stomach in response had nothing to do with her still present hunger. She was used to men complimenting her for lots of different things, but her smile had never been one of them. And it was more than just the words. It was also the way Lyon looked at her when he said them that made her feel like she was floating on air.

She couldn't stop smiling, felt her smile growing wider even, until she was sure she looked like an idiot. And not knowing how to respond, she shifted her focus back on the magazine.

She skimmed the text briefly, needing to read only a couple of sentences to know that it was all exaggerated and completely out of context. But the pictures were very real, and they helped remind her of how much fun they’d had together.

“Hey, Erza?”

She felt his hand gently resting on top of hers and looked up from the magazine, surprised by the gesture.

“Yes?”

"I know this is sudden, and Gray will probably kill me for even asking, but... I had a really great time with you and I'd love to do it again."

“Are you asking me out on a date?”

“Well, yeah. If you’d like to, that is.” Lyon said, looking nervous for the first time since he’d arrived. “Perfectly fine if you don’t.”

“I-”

Erza felt conflicted. While she couldn’t deny that she’d love to spend more time with Lyon, what about Jellal? Her eyes drifted to the bouquet of colorful flowers Lyon had personally delivered and it brought back Juvia’s earlier words.

When is someone going to buy Juvia flowers?

Juvia had caught Lyon’s eye once, but she’d been so consumed by her obsession with Gray she’d never given him a second look. And that was a shame. What had it gotten her? Gray had found love elsewhere, and Lyon had long since moved on, while Juvia remained stuck in place.

Erza didn't want to make the same mistake. She’d already been standing still for such a long time, planning and dreaming for the future she wanted to have. Buying dresses she hoped to wear on dates that more often than not were canceled without warning. If she continued to do nothing but wait for her life to start, one day she’d wake to find it had passed her by, and that’s not something she wanted.

Lyon was a handsome, smart, charming, and thoughtful man. He saw her as she was, never once acting intimidated by her, even though she knew from experience he respected her abilities. He was someone she genuinely liked and found attractive, and he’d now made it clear he was interested in her.

Cana had been right all along. Sunday had been her lucky day. It had opened her eyes to what her life could be like if she just opened her heart to others. All she had to do was reach out and take a chance on someone new.

And she wanted to do that very much.

“I’d love to.” Erza said, placing her other hand on top of Lyon’s and squeezing gently before reaching for her wine glass and taking a sip.

“You would?”

Erza nodded, laughing at the relief on his face.

“Alright, how about this coming Saturday? I’d love to show you around Margaret Town.”

“I thought you were leaving Lamia Scale.” Erza teased.

“Well, now that you’ve agreed to go out with me, I might be able to show my face again.” Lyon drawled, his confidence returning now that he had his answer.

“It’s a date, then.” She managed to appear calm, despite feeling giddy at the prospect of going on her first real date. “Now that we’ve sorted that out, what are we going to do about this magazine thing?”

“Meh, just leave it alone.” Lyon shrugged. “I’ve grown rather fond of it now. Besides, I’m sure we’ll be in there again soon enough.”

“You think so?”

“Who knows what trouble we’ll get into in Margaret Town?” Lyon winked and laughed at her horrified expression.

She had no idea if he was messing with her or not, but she couldn’t wait to find out.

Just a few days ago, she’d had a feeling that something important was ending, and maybe it was, but that was nothing to be sad about. She had lots of good memories that would always be a part of her.

But there was something she hadn’t considered. For every ending, there was a new beginning, and Erza couldn’t wait to see where this particular one would take her.

One thing was for sure: she already had a dress picked out for the occasion.

A/N: This was the first time we got to center a story on Erza and Lyon and it was really fun to play with them and throw them in the middle of chaos. This ship is one that grew, not out of a dislike of Jellal, but a love of Erza and a desire for her to find happiness in the traditional way that she hints at wanting throughout canon. Jellal and Lyon are very different characters, but they do have some similarities. They both started out as villains, with strong connections to Team Natsu members, but they achieved their redemptions in very different ways. This story doesn't try to say which of them is "better", just which we think is better for Erza.

We hope you enjoyed it.

[tomtenadia]

A Little Braver - Chapter 10

Evening everyone!

I have a present for you.

This lady here will be off on holiday for a week on Friday, so I thought about landing the new chapter tonight.

This one is a juicy one and I hope you will love it. A bit of fluff before the angst gremlin comes back for a visit.

This chapter comes with a smut warning. Yes, you read correctly. In the future I will be using FTB mostly because I find it difficult to write and keep it non cringy, but for this chapter I wanted to try and add some hotness.

Also, for those who haver read Island Dreams, I am heading to Lewis on my holiday, and i might post some photo of the locations mentioned in the fic.

Well, now i can let you enjoy the chapter

Aelin was at home sitting on the sofa, enjoying the food she had just ordered in, a bottle of beer and hockey. Her favourite team the Stags was playing an away game with the Skull’s Bay Pirates. 

The Stags were in the lead in the championship and the Pirates were just in second place, which made that game quite an important one. She was glad she had the night off although they would usually all camp in the communal area of the firehouse and watch the game all together. At least being at home meant she could have a beer.

Ice hockey in Terrasen was a religion. She had been a fan of the Stags since she was a kid and her dad would take her to the games. Then Aedion became her hockey buddy and once she joined the station she started sharing the passion with the rest of the team and they would also go and watch the games all together if possible.

She took a sip of her beer and kneeled on the sofa, the game was getting intense and she could not stand still.

In that instant her phone went off and she let out a curse.

“Oh for crying out loud.”

“What?” She answered while her eyes were glued to the tv.

“Good evening to you as well.” Rowan sounded almost offended by her brisk tone.

“Whitethorn, I am watching the game.”

“Uh?”

Aelin groaned as something happened on the screen and the Pirates almost scored.

“Ice hockey, Whitethorn. You have been in Terrasen enough to know it’s a religion here.”

He replied with a low chuckle. Then she heard him move and then all of a sudden a noise in the background and realised he had his tv on “wonder if they show it here. Wendlyn is not big on ice hockey.”

“You can tell. Their team sucks.” She drank a bit more “I can tell you that we are winning for now against the Pirates.”

“That’s the big match of the season I am gutted I am missing it.”

Aelin got agitated and swore a few times during some actions.

“You are a very scary woman.” She heard him switch off the tv “do you want me to call later?”

“No,” she said softly. She was actually quite happy. Since he had left three days before they had talked quite a lot over the phone at night and she had started to love their ritual. He was the one calling once he was free and she loved that new dynamic of theirs.

“How was your day training?”

“Oh, just wonderful. I spend my days dealing with cocky idiots who think they are gods because they have been admitted to flight school. Then they go ahead, mess up the exercise for everyone, almost get killed and have no respect for rank.”

She let him vent “sounds like you have a bad class.”

Rowan sighed loudly “I have been a flight instructor for six years. I had a few bad apples along the way, but this class is hopeless.”

“Can you do something about it?” She was still following the game but her attention had shifted to him. He sounded quite down.

“I reported them to the academy Commandant. I explained that starting flight school with the wrong foot was not recommended.” Another sigh “In the end it’s their school and they can do whatever they want. I don’t care. Being reckless in a jet is like jumping into a fire in t-shirt and shorts.”

“That would be very bad.”

“I know what the fuck I am doing. I have been doing this for the past 12 years. I have been in combat. Real bloody combat. Those idiots have only seen simulators. What do I need to do to be taken seriously?” He was really mad and Aelin wished she could do something for him.

“Ro, two weeks and a half and you are out. You are back with your team and students that you like.”

“How’s the game going?” He changed the topic, clearly being done talking about it.

“We increased our lead.”

She heard a popping sound “did you just crack open a beer?”

“Oh yes, I need it.”

Aelin smiled “I am having one too. Brullo has this friend who opened a brewery and I bought a few bottles and they are so good.”

“You have such connections and don’t even tell me?”

“I am sorry your highness.”

“You are excused this time. But don’t make it happen again.”

Aelin laughed “what are you going to do? Spank me?” And she froze. She should really need to learn to connect brain and mouth.

“Depends, will you like it?” His reply surprised her so much that she froze with the bottle halfway to her mouth. 

“You just have to hang around and see for yourself.”

He moaned “I will need to get back to you on this.”

“Will it help you decide if I tell you that I am wearing a hockey jersey and nothing underneath? I just had a shower…”

“Aelin…”

“What? Are you interested all of a sudden?”

“Obviously.” He groaned.

“I am teasing you, I have clothes on, but good to see where you stand.”

She heard him groan in frustration “you really are a menace and I don’t know why I bother with you.”

“You don’t have to stay on the phone if I irritate you so much. You are the one who called.” She bit back. Why they always end up fighting?

“I did not mean it like that.”

“Well then go and learn how to communicate with people because I am sick and tired of your attitude.” Her tone had grown angrier.

“Aelin, please. I was joking.” His voice was thick with sadness.

“No, I am so fucking tired of this.”

“Why can’t you believe that I was joking? Why do you always believe that I hate you?” He shouted back “I have been quite supportive with you recently. I have flown in to stay beside you after you lost a colleague. You have a problem with my attitude?” He vented “well, yours is not any better either.”

Aelin sighed “Rowan, why do we always end up like this?” She lay down on the sofa, the game completely forgotten “we had a nice conversation and then it always gets ugly between us.”

“I am sorry…” he paused and meant it “I have been looking forward to calling you. I had such a bad day that knowing I was going to phone you kept me going. I didn’t want any of this. I did not want to fight with you.”

“We are both bad at communicating.” She relaxed a bit. She did not want to fight with him either. And he was right, he had been supportive and amazing. Then she had an idea “Ro, I have four days of holidays coming up. I booked them ages ago, I had plans but they went to hell. Would it be crazy if I flew to Wendlyn? I will play tourist when you work and be out of your way, but what do you think?”

“I’d love that. Very much. It really sucks here.”

“It’s for this Friday. I known it’s short notice—” he interrupted her.

“No, it’s perfect. I don’t have a class this Friday, I can pick you up at the airport. Have Saturday and Sunday as tourists and I assume you are flying back on Monday.”

“Yes.” Her heart started racing. It was a crazy plan, but all of a sudden she was excited.”Let me check my roster, because if I finish at a decent time I can fly in Thursday night so we have three full days. Do you think you can manage that?”

“Happily.”

“Ok, stay there Buzzard, I am putting you on speaker phone.”

She ran to the kitchen and had a look at the calendar on her fridge with her roster and cheered loudly.

“Whitethorn,”

“What?”

“I come off shift at four. Now let me check for planes.”

She went to get her laptop and sat back on the sofa, “do you know any good airlines for Wendlyn?”

He laughed “Yes, my own plane.”

“Funny. Us common mortals don’t have that privilege.”

“I have no idea, Fireheart, I haven’t flown commercial in a lifetime.”

“Fine.” Aelin was silent for a few minutes typing away and looking for flight options. “Ok,” she said after a while “I can get one flight that gets me into Doranelle at 10.45pm your time, is it too late?”

“I guess I will postpone my nap.” He joked and she laughed back. He suddenly relaxed. The fight had been verging on vicious and he had not cared for that.

“On Monday I can fly back with a noon flight.”

“That one is perfect. I can drive you back to the airport and be back in time for my class.”

Aelin smiled wickedly “great, give me five minutes while I book it. Go and do grampa stuff in the meantime.”

“I am not a grampa.” Aelin heard him munching on something. Knowing him it was probably a carrot.

“Ok, now I need to find a place where to stay.”

“My flat?” He added shocked that she would think about staying anywhere else “Aelin, I have a flat. It has a second bedroom. And you don’t have to worry about giving me anything because it’s a flat owned by the airforce. It’s not a castle but it’s nice. You are not paying for a hotel.”

“Are you sure? Three days with me 24/7. That’s a lot of fighting.” She asked. She loved the idea, but wasn’t sure yet if they could survive that long in close quarters without killing each other.

“Perhaps we can leave the fighting aside and work on us?”

Aelin was silent for a moment “Us? As in…”

“As in more than two idiots fighting and pining for each other.”

Her heart pounded in her chest “Yeah, that would be intelligent, wouldn’t it?”

“Definitely.”

“But that’s a conversation for when you are here.”

Aelin smiled. She could not believe it was actually happening.

Rowan yawned over the phone “This grampa here would like to go to bed now. It’s quite late here.”

“Okay,” she said softly.

“I am looking forward having you here.”

Aelin hugged the pillow all excited “me too. Good night, Buzzard.”

“Good night, menace.”

Aelin squealed and threw the pillow at the other end of the living room in utter joy.

Thursday had finally arrived. Aelin thought the day would never come and that time had slowed down on purpose just to annoy her.

“Aedion you are in charge while I am away, will you be fine?”

The man was driving her to the airport “I will be. Go and enjoy your break. We will cope.”

“Ok, you know you can always call Dorian. He can come out on a call.” She was nervous. She hadn’t been away from the firehouse on holiday since before Sam died and was worried about her team.

“Stop fussing. We will be fine. You need a holiday. You haven’t been away in a lifetime. You deserve this.”

She breathed out, relaxing at his words. She knew she could trust Aedion and Dorian had given her his blessing too. 

“Just tell airforce boy to behave or I’ll scratch his toy plane.”

Aelin laughed. Rowan seemed to have a problem with the army but Aedion’s dislike seemed just as strong. To her it was just hilarious.

They arrived at the airport, she grabbed her duffel bag and backpack from the backseat and went to hug Aedion “thank you for driving me.”

“Let me know when you land on Monday and I will come and pick you up again.” And he hugged her back.

They parted and Aelin walked into the airport with a spring in her step and the biggest smile ever.

Rowan realised he had arrived at the airport a bit too early. He was so eager to see her that he had arrived with an hour to spare. He was a thirty year old man giddy like a child waiting for winter solstice presents. Considering their track record, three days together could go down in flame or be a success. A part of him was definitely anxious at the prospect, but when Aelin had suggested the idea he had no doubts. He wanted to do it.

Bored, he paced the arrivals section when a woman walked past him and her trolley ran onto his feet. He almost shouted at the woman but then decided to ignore it.

He viewed airports as pure madness. Utter chaos and he hated them. The good thing about his job was that if he had to travel for work he could use his jet. And when he used to travel with Lyria they had always driven. Now he remembered why he had avoided those places of pure chaos.

He moved to the big window where he could see the runaway and for a while studied the airplanes. One of his ex squadron mates after retiring from the airforce had become an airline pilot and on plenty of occasion had tried to convince him to join him, but Rowan always declined. There was little enjoyment in flying that way. 

While staring at the aircrafts landing and taking off, his hand was tapping on the handrail with excessive energy. 

He huffed a puff and and bored kept wandering around the airport. He had alway considered himself a decently patient man, but in that moment he felt as if he could not wait any longer. Had to really tell himself that she was coming and that it was not his imagination playing tricks on him. 

Luckily by the time his wandering was over, the arrivals notice board had changed the status of her flight to on approach and he went in front of the arrival section, knowing full well it would still be ages before her entrance. 

Forty minutes later he saw her and he was positive he now had the most stupid grin on his face. He recognised her golden mane tied up in a complicated braid. Gods, she was stunning and Rowan did his best not to drool too much.

She was dressed in simple jeans and a hoodie from the Terrasen Fire department and he chuckled. He waved at her and called as well.

Her smile when she spotted him could have lit up the night sky and he was positive his heart had just skipped a beat. 

Quickly an eagerly he walked to her, making his way through the crowd that had gathered.

She ran to him, then dropped her bags on the floor and in an instant she was in his arms. He lifted her up and kissed her. Not caring about the consequences. She was there. That’s all he cared about.

She kissed him back and for a while they were the couple that meets again after a long time apart and could not keep away from each other.

“You are here.” He said kissing her again and then brushed her hair in a tender gesture.

She smiled at him and slowly slid down from his arms.

He bent down and grabbed her bags “let’s go. You must be tired.”

Aelin took his hand and he did not pull away “the flight was crap. As soon as we hit the ocean it was bumpy as hell.”

Rowan chuckled “those civilian pilots struggling to handle a bit of wind.”

With her free hand she pinched his side “Meanie.” She told him “and it was bad and scary.”

He kissed her head “be glad that you have never experienced what a really terrifying flight his.” His voice was sad for a moment and Aelin squeezed his hand back.

“My car is over there.” They reached his vehicle and he dumped her stuff in the trunk.

It was fifteen minutes later when they reached his flat.

“I am a bit outside town but I love it. Much easier to go to work as I don’t have to drive through the centre. Saves me so much time.”

They entered the building and Rowan headed for the lift but Aelin stopped “pet peeve of mine. I don’t take lifts. I have saved enough people trapped in them, that now I don’t use them at all.”

“It’s eight floors, Aelin.” He complained.

“It’s good for your butt. Let’s go grampa.” Aelin grabbed the duffel bag and backpack from him and threw them on her shoulder and made her way to the stairs.

He realised that she was used doing stairs. But he was lazy and always used the lift.

“I am taking my chances.”

Aelin grabbed his hand and pulled him away “Don’t be an idiot. Come on.”

He protested but in the end caved.

Aelin relentlessly climbed on for eight floors and Rowan followed a few steps behind cursing that he had chosen to fall for a super fit firefighter.

“I can tell you some horror storie that will put you off forever from using them.” She told him while climbing the steps two at a time.

When they finally reached his floor, Aelin wasn’t even tired, Rowan instead was ready to strangle her.

“Come on grampa, I am sure your butt and your heart are thanking you right now.”

“Move.” She moved aside and let him open the door of his flat.

Once in, he flicked the lights on and Aelin looked around. The living room was spacious, from one door she could see a kitchen but what stunned her were the floor to ceiling windows at the end of the living room and the view. She dumped the bag and walked there and went to the windows.

“This is amazing.” He stopped at her side “Doranelle is called the City of Rivers. It’s not as beautiful as Orynth but it has its charming spots.” He explained with flat voice.

“Well, from up here it’s pretty cool.” Below her lay a sea of lights, then looking more carefully, she noticed the dark areas and assumed those were the rivers. She was looking forward to see that sight during the day.

Rowan pulled her arm “come on, you must be knackered, I’ll show you to your bedroom.”

She followed him into the room and smiled when she saw the bed. It looked so cozy.

She looked at him smiling “Orynth is a few hours behind so I am actually quite fine.” Gently she pinched his arm “you are trying to get rid of me.”

“I was just being considerate. You flew here after your shift.”

In one step she was close to him “I am quite hungry, though.”

Rowan laughed and patted her head “I knew it so I made something that just could go back in the microwave. Give me five minutes.”

“I’ll go and get changed in the meantime.”

It was much later when she was finally full and she and Rowan were now sitting on the sofa watching some tv. She had curled up her legs under her and his hand was absentmindedly tracing up and down the length of her exposed leg. It was much warmer than Orynth so she was wearing shorts and a baggy t-shirt.

She turned to look at him and saw Rowan concentrated on the documentary they had been watching. His face was relaxed, the tension had left his body and the sight of him like that took her breath away. His features always had an hard edge, but in that moment, relaxed, she could not look away. 

“Do I have something on my face?” A half smile appeared on his face.

“No.” She shimmied down to his side and leaned her head on his shoulder and he adjusted his position so she could be comfortable.

“You know I am not a pillow, right?”

In challenge, Aelin snuggled closer and her arms went around his waist. Rowan brought one arm around her shoulder and squeezed it almost in a silent gesture to tell her it was okay. He pulled her so close she was almost on his lap and in instant later his lips were on hers in a demanding kiss. 

Aelin sighed in delight and melted in the kiss. Rowan’s hands sneaked under the t-shirt touching skin. The kiss turned avid, all teeth and tongue and eventually she found herself straddling him. 

Her hips ground against his in a suggestive motion and a wicked smile spread across her lips when she felt him hard against her. Fingers found their target in his hair, and with a gentle tug she angled his neck and her lips began tracing its lines eliciting a loud moan from Rowan. 

His strong hands were a steady presence on her sides, pulling her closer with his thumbs brushing timidly the underside of her breasts.

Rowan’s tongue slowly traced the shape of her lips and she opened for him and when he intensified the kiss she began pondering what that tongue of his could do somewhere else. That image was her undoing. Aelin came up for breath and looked at him, his eyes smoky with lust.

She looked at him with the same desire and she was positive he had noticed the need in her stare as well.

Then Aelin stood and removed her t-shirt revealing her bare torso. She moved a step back and without ever removing her gaze from him she wiggled her finger in an invitation, then turned and swayed her hips on her way to his bedroom.

Rowan ran a hand down his face and eventually stood and followed her.

Shit. He was in such deep, unending shit.

It was the middle of the night and both Rowan and Aelin were still awake. They lay naked under the blankets while she was nested in his embrace, her head tucked under his chin, while he traced lazy lines on her back with his fingers.

She looked up at him and noticed his downcast stare. He looked sad and could not understand why. They just had some mind-blowing sex. Three times. 

“Hey, what is it?” She asked him, caressing his face.

He shook his head gently “nothing. Just thinking.”

“You are regretting this,” she said in accusation sitting up beside him.

Rowan threw an arm on his face and sighed “No.”

“Liar, that is not the face of someone who is happy after getting laid three times.” She folded her arms at her chest. 

He remained silent and Aelin bent over to grab her clothes “don’t worry. I get it. I’ll leave you to it. I’ll find a flight home tomorrow.”

His arm shot out and stopped her, then he sat on the bed and pulled her back “please, no.”

“Then talk to me, damn it.” She threw her clothes back on the floor “I can’t read your mind.” She shouted back frustration rising again. 

Rowan’s hands fisted for a brief moment “I am crazy about you,” he whispered, as if terrified by the admission “and there is a part of me that tells me that is wrong. Reminds me that I lost my wife a year and half ago and I should not replace her so quickly, not after I swore forever love at the altar.” he sat at her side but never looked at her, too scared of her reaction “I loved every single of minute we had together tonight but my stupid conscience keeps telling me that is wrong.” He lowered his head “and I know that my guilt will ruin everything, eventually.”

Aelin fully turned to him and cupped his face “Ro, look at me.” He lifted his eyes and stared in the blue depths of her own eyes “for some crazy unexplained reason I fell for you as well. I think I must be crazy,” she chuckled “I know your pain. Sam was not my husband but almost. After I lost him I promised myself I would not commit anymore. The pain of losing him was so bad that I decided I’d rather remain alone than suffer again.” She told him, caressing his cheek with her thumb “then you annoying bastard came along and destroyed all my resolutions. I wanted to hate you, for so many reasons, but the more I tried to do that, the more I failed.” His lips twitched in a faint smile “the way I see it, moving on is not a betrayal on your wife. You will alway love her, as I will always have a space for Sam. We are in our early thirties, what do you want to do? Stay celibate and miserable for the rest of your life? Pass on opportunities just because you want to be faithful to her?” She explained “also, and I do not mean this to be disrespectful, but didn’t she have divorce papers ready and a plan to cut you off from your kid’s life?”

Rowan collapsed back on the bed and sighed heavily. She was right. He had loved Lyria but she had planned to leave him. “what do you want to do?”

She looked at him with a puzzled expression.

“About us.”

Aelin leaned against him and snuggled back to his chest “one step at a time, remember?” She looked at him and his wonderful green eyes shone in joy “and if my memory does not fail me, you told me you were all in if I were.”

Rowan nodded gently and kissed her head “I still am.”

“Well, we have covered sex, even if we broke the rules, and we know that in that field we have plenty of chemistry, we just need to learn to talk without shouting and communicate better. We both have lots of baggage. What I suggest is that we spend these three days playing couple and once you come back we’ll just go from there.”

His arms folded around her and pulled her as close as possible, her golden hair in his face and the scent of lavender enveloping his senses “I think I like this plan.”

“Good, now let’s sleep though. It’s the middle of the night.”

Aelin kissed him and not long after fell asleep in his arms.

Rowan woke up the following morning and smiled at the warm body at his side. Aelin was sprawled on him, using his chest like a pillow. The blanket had fallen down to her waist and he realised they had fallen asleep naked. With his fingers he traced gentle lines on her shoulders, then leaned over and deposited a few kisses fully inhaling her scent. She moaned and slowly came to awareness and when she realised where she was she gave him a wonderful smile and he kissed her, fully, avidly.

“Someone looks happy,” she joked brushing his short hair.

“Nope, just trying to get back my side of the bed.”

She gently patted his shoulder but Rowan rolled on top of her and gave her a deep kiss “good morning, you.”

She stretched luxuriously in his arms then she kissed him back pulling her body close to his.

“Mmmm,” she moaned “morning wood or are you just happy to have me with you?”

He kissed her, then his head dipped in the hollow of her neck and his tongue traced the length of it “both.”

“We should definitely tend to it.” She teased and a moment later she straddled him “I do like being in charge, just so you know.” She leaned forward and kissed him, then disappeared under the blankets and Rowan cursed as soon as her mouth was on him.

Rowan stood and still naked went to make breakfast. They had remained in bed much longer that he had planned but it had been totally worth it. Their chemistry in the sheets was definitely perfect. Aelin followed him and she leaned, naked as well, against the counter. He bent forward and kissed her “we definitely need coffee.” She turned and Rowan looked at her, her long blond hair unbound and reaching her lower back. Along ragged breath escaped from him, then he went back to preparing breakfast. Staring at her naked form could lead to more dillydallying and he wanted to take her out to explore.

She walked back to him with two mugs of coffee while he finished to prepare French toast.

“Take the strawberries out the fridge, please.”

“I usually put maple syrup on.”

Rowan rolled his eyes “well, I am making them so we follow my rules.”

She pinched his butt “brute.”

Five minutes later they were sitting on the sofa, enjoying their breakfast. She brushed his hair with her hand. “Thank you for this. It was so lovely.” She placed her empty mug on the coffee table together with her plate and she turned to him fully and went for a kiss. Now that they had crossed that line she could not keep her hands off him. He pushed her down on the sofa, laying on her back and he kneeled between her legs. She propped herself on her elbows opening more for him and bit her lower lip at his lustful glance “you are so cute like this…” his voice rough with need.

Without ever averting her gaze she brought a finger to her mouth and slowly sucked it in a suggestive gesture, then her hand trailed down along her abdomen.

“Touch yourself.” At the same time his hand went around himself and started moving up and down while watching Aelin. Her fingers circled around her sensitive spot and he saw her threw her head backward and close her eyes. Her mouth slightly open. He leaned forward and kissed her, his tongue brushing her lips before clashing with hers. Her fingers buried inside her and Rowan lost it. He pushed her all the way down “I can’t fucking resist you.”

She looked up at him and smiled wickedly “then bury your dick inside me, captain.”

Rowan lifted her and walked back to the bedroom in a quick motion. 

His mouth landed on her breasts and Aelin’s hands kept him there, while he sucked and teased with his teeth. A moment later he moved away and went for the drawer grabbing a tie and Aelin lifted her arms above her head as soon as she realised his intentions. 

“This is very interesting, captain…”

Rowan very gently tied her hands to the boards of the head of the bed and then sat on his haunches to stare at her naked form in adoration.

“You are stunning,” he said while slowly caressing her belly. Keeping her hips in place he bent forward and his face disappeared between her legs which then quickly propped on his shoulders.

A savage moan left Aelin’s lips as his tongue found its target on her bundle of nerves and when he teased her with a finger she was all ready to combust.

“Fuck Ro— ” he cut her words with a second finger inside her. Those long digits that curled inside her, causing her legs to jerk while she felt the pressure build inside her. The orgasm creeping up quickly.

“I need you….” She told him breathlessly.

Rowan smiled, undid her ties and turned her around and then tied her again. He grabbed her butt and propped it up and his mouth was on her in an instant “you are so wet and ready for me.”

He went up on his knees and aligned himself with her entrance. His first thrust was gentle and enough to allow her to get used to him, he pulled back just a little and slammed into her to the hilt.

“More…” Cried Aelin grabbing the pillow and fisting her hands in it.

“More…” she begged him again.

His speed increased and Aelin felt her core tighten.

Rowan reached with his finger and teased her clit at the same time. Aelin moaned in the pillow as his ministration grew in intensity, until she could not hold it any longer and pleasure exploded in her making her crash over the edge. And while she was about to collapse into oblivion, she realised that Rowan hadn’t joined her in his release.

The grip on her hips grew stronger and she knew she was going to carry some marks. She met his thrusts and when his pace became frenzied she knew he was close as well. 

“Aelin, I am— ” he groaned loudly as he spilled into her and then collapsed exhausted on her back. He deposited gentle kisses on her back then collapsing exhausted at her side.

Rowan untied her then he took her hand and brought it to his chest “you are a wicked woman.”

Aelin chuckled “I had no idea I had it in me. I never… I mean Sam and I we never… this way, tied hands and all..…” Rowan brought her hand to his lips “Lyria and I did it, at the very beginning. Then it stopped and we calmed down until it became mechanical just because we were married. Once she found out she was pregnant she did not allow me to touch her at all.” He rolled over, facing her and his hand caressed her face “I thought it was because she was not well but…” he sighed “I haven’t told this to anyone but I suspected she was cheating on me.” He confessed and felt lighter. He had kept that to himself for a very long time “and to make things worse, I have a very, very strong feeling that the child was not mine. I think she lied to me on how far along she was.” He closed his eyes for a moment in a pained expression “I know she had stopped being happy about our life for a while. Whatever I did was not enough. She wanted me to retire and give up my job.”

Aelin extended her hand and brushed his cheek with the top of her hand “but she knew from the beginning what you were and what you job entailed?”

“Yes, I was clear from the start. Explained that my job took me away from months on end and all the dangers involved in it as well.” He closed his eyes enjoying the touch of her hand on his face “I think she hoped I would drop my career after we got married.”

“I loved her. I did all I could to show her that I was doing my best to keep the promise I made her at the altar.” He covered her hand with his “I failed her.”

“No,”Aelin whispered, this was conversation was giving her an insight into him and she realised she had no idea of how much pain and regret he was keeping bottled in him.

“I can’t fail you as well.” And she heard his voice break and snuggled closer to him “Ro, look at me.” She pulled his chin down to her “I am all in. I want to be all in. I am terrified, but I run into fires as a job, I know how to control my fears.”

He kissed her in a heartbreaking sweet kiss “I don’t deserve you.” His voice soft.

Aelin cackled “No one does, I am amazing that way. But you come pretty close to being worthy.” She joked and he kissed her back.

Rowan pulled away from her and then pushed her off the bed “come on, time to explore.”

Her blonde head emerged from the side of the bed “shower is mine.” And she bolted for the bathroom, he ran as well but once he got there she slammed the door in his face.

“Don’t spend half an hour in it.” He shouted. Then the door cracked open a little and her hand darted out “there is space for two…”

Rowan laughed and followed her inside.

The shower took much longer than expected and when they finally left the flat it was much later that he had planned. The whole morning had been totally worth it though, they had talked and he had a feeling it had helped move their complicated relationship in the right direction. He had even confessed her things he had never mentioned to anyone. He felt like he could trust her. She knew loss and darkness like he did.

They had lunch at one of the street vendors he had grown to love and now they were walking hand in hand along one of the the rivers and off toward the palace. Aelin walked silent at his side, taking in the city. “That’s the old royal palace.” He pointed at the stunning building they could see in the distance. “There was a monarchy once… and then the people rebelled and it got ugly and it went down and a government similar to what we have in Orynth was created.”

“The palace looks stunning.”

“I think they do tours to go inside. It’s where the government resides now but some areas are open to the public.”

“It’s fine I’d rather walk around and see the city. We can just see the palace from the outside.”

“As you wish,” his arm went around her shoulder and the feeling was incredible.

They walked to the palace and Rowan guided her behind it. When they arrived she was speechless. “It really is the city of rivers.”

Eight of them joined just behind the palace to form a gigantic basin with isles in the middle full of trees. In some parts the rivers went down a wall forming a waterfall.

“This is… gorgeous…” then she looked over and the spray of the waterfall had formed a beautiful rainbow “look,” she said to him pointing ahead.

He pulled her closer and kissed her temple “It’s quite an amazing corner this one.”

Aelin disentangled from him and walked around the area for a while and Rowan took photos of her. She was wearing an amazing green dress with a flowy skirt and he could not keep his eyes off her. 

“Come here you.” He did as he was told and joined her. “Hold me from behind.”

His arms went around her waist and they both gave their back to the basin. Aelin moved her phone so they both could be in the picture together with the magnificent background.

When she was about to click he kissed her temple.

Aelin looked at the photo “I am gorgeous.”

Rowan scoffed “I think you are the one who should move in with ego, although I think that in your case he needs a house on his own.”

She ignored him while she changed the picture as her phone background.

“I am pretending you never said anything.” And walked away from him.

Rowan laughed and a moment later he grabbed her arm and pulled her in for a kiss “Indeed you are stunning, captain.”

Aelin offered him her hand “shall we continue our tour?”

He took the hand she offered and they continued their exploration. They made their way to the area that was known as the historical one. The houses were built in stone of different colours and it looked very charming “here there are a lot of lovely small shops and some very cozy restaurants. It’s probably the most beautiful part of Doranelle.”

They continued walking until they reached a very colourful area “this is so pretty,” said Aelin pulling him toward the built up area.

Aelin dropped his hand and started walking toward all the small shops. She noticed a bakery and she walked in and Rowan followed in silence. Once inside he noticed she was busy chatting with the owner about their delicacies. Five minutes later she joined him with a bag in her hands.

“Did you buy the entire shop?”

She inclined her head and gave him a smile “almost.”

They reached the main square and discovered there was a market on and the place was full of stalls and food vendors. The air smelled of spices and food and Aelin stopped at every food stall enjoying some samples of the local food and buying some as well. Rowan followed her in silence and enjoyed seeing her relaxed.

“Are you going to spend you entire salary on food?” He joked, placing a hand on her lower back.

She turned and looked at him “I am on holiday Whitethorn, shush.”

They reached the end of the road and Aelin stopped in front of a clothes shop. In the window they had the most stunning black dress she had ever seen. She took Rowan’s hand and dragged him in.

“Hi, I saw the black dress in the window, is it possible for me to try it on? It’s stunning.”

“Of course,” said the shop owner “I make all the dresses myself.” She passed it to Aelin and pointed to the changing room.

Rowan sat on a chair and waited for her while his mind tried to picture her in the dress. When she finally emerged again he realised he had no idea how to picture her in such a dress. He swallowed hard as she walked to him.

“What do you think?” She turned to give him a full picture. The back of the dress dropped in a curve halfway down her back. It hugged her curves spectacularly and it had a cut up to above her knee. He was close to a heart attack.

“You… it’s…” he actually had no words “you are perfect.”

She smiled at him and for a brief second Rowan wished they were back in his room because he wanted to show her in another way what he really thought about it.

“Good, I am taking it. I will find an occasion to wear it.”

Once they were outside Aelin looked at him “did you really like the dress?”

Rowan wound his arms around her waist and pulled her closer, his mouth close to her ear “I had so much fun imagining all the possible ways for me to peel that dress off you.” 

“That’s the type of dress I would wear completely naked underneath by the way…”

He pulled her to his chest and bowed down for a kiss “I really hate that we are in public right now.”

She kissed him back. She was loving this side of him. One she had not expected him to have. He always appeared so composed and impossible to fluster. But under the captain’s mask she was discovering him to be quite a very interesting man. 

“You can ravish me tonight.” She added smiling against his lips and then walked away, leaving him alone and dumbstruck.

Yes, they could make it work.

She really wanted to.

TAGS

@rowaelinismyotp​

@jlinez​

@swankii-art-teacher​

@courtofjurdan​

@whimsicallyreading​

@tillyrubes10​

[raven-at-the-writing-desk]

Day 7: Free Day / AUs - Lies

To her left was Jade, and to her right was Crowley. Something was definitely wrong with this picture.

Awkward “family” dinner time~

jnjadaafiabasd I was not built to do timed prompts... Everything felt rushed or not fully proofread, but I tried my best with what little time I had! 🎉 This last week was a bit of a struggle, but I’m proud of myself for pulling through in the end!

A flurry of footsteps reverberated through the Crowley household. Raven hurtled down a stairwell and practically threw herself at the front door, flinging it open. Beyond the door, a masked man and his suitcases awaited.

“Uncle!! You’re back!!” she cried breathily—tired from the dash from the attic to the front porch.

“Hohoh.” Crowley lowered the golden key in his hand. “You’ve beaten me to the punch, it seems.”

“It helps when I’ve got a big window to spy from.” Raven grimaced as talons wove themselves into her hair and raked along her scalp. Her head was left a mess, hair sticking up at odd angles. “How was your trip?”

“There will be plenty of time for stories—you do so love those, don’t you? Just give me a moment to get settled back and have a bite first, little black bird.”

“Okay!” Raven chirped. She eagerly reached for a suitcase. “Here, I’ll he—”

“Please, allow me.”

Her fingers met only air, for the suitcase was snatched up before she could make contact. The other was claimed just as quickly, ending up in the hands of a slimy, smiling eel.

“... Jade Leech-kun.”

“Headmaster.” Jade lowered his head in mock deference. “It is a pleasure to have you back with us. I do hope your conference fared well.”

Crowley’s mouth tightened into a straight line. “You’ll not hear a single peep from me!”

“My, my. You’ve entrusted me with handling your home and your niece in your absence, but not with casual conversation? Truly, I am hurt.”

(Raven shot Jade a warning look, but it went ignored.)

“Leave my bags, and leave us be. Your services are no longer required,” the headmaster crowed. He dug into his pockets and produced a (wrinkled) checkbook and gold-plated fountain pen. “Name your price.”

“I believe that is a value that would be best negotiated with Azul—but worry not, I am not personally interested in your madol.”

... That’s obviously a sketchy thing to say, especially for Octavinelle. They always collect what they’re owed, Raven noted. What does he have up his sleeve now?

Jade’s shoulders suddenly sagged, and a sad smile made its way onto his face. “It is a shame, though... to be chased out before I was able to share my cooking with our esteemed headmaster. It brings a tear to my eye.”

Crowley’s ears perked up—while Raven’s stomach sank.

“Cooking, you say?”

“U-Uncle, don’t fall for it...! He’s baiting you!!” Raven hissed, tugging harshly on his cape.

“I had plans to prepare an extravagant feast, too,” Jade continued, “to welcome you home. A hearty wild game stew, garnished with garden herbs. Fresh baked bread, with a thick crust, perfect for mopping up excess stew. Braised duck in a bright citrus sauce, so succulent and tender that the meat falls off at the bone. Mint gelée on the side—”

“I’m listening...” Crowley’s beady eyes narrowed with vague suspicion. “And just how much would this hypothetical feast cost me?”

“Don’t listen to him, Uncle!!”

“Fufu. There is no need to concern yourself with such trivial matters. Consider it a gift from myself to you.”

“UNCLE!!” Raven screeched—but her frantic calls no longer reached him.

The headmaster was far gone, lured to the water’s edge by a siren’s song. Plastering a wide grin on his face, Crowley spread his arms.

“Jade Leech-kun, why don’t you join us for dinner?”

Raven slowly lowered her face into her hands.

To her left was Jade, and to her right was Crowley. Something was definitely wrong with this picture.

Raven glared into her platter of food, refusing to look at either of them. She poked at a slab of meat with her fork, watching the shine of fat dance. Did that glisten belong to a tasteless poison, or to a savory glaze?

Well, the other meals he prepared were safe. This should be fine too... right? Raven carefully inserted a corner into her mouth and tore off a chunk.

Crowley let out a delighted laugh from his seat. “Delicious! Simply delicious!! You’ve outdone yourself with this meal.”

“I am glad to hear that you enjoy it, headmaster.” Jade was handling his silverware a little too deftly for Raven’s liking, driving a knife into his steak with the skill and precision of a predator digging its teeth into vital arteries. And still, that polite smile remained.

She stared—and it did not go unnoticed.

While the headmaster continued to gush, Jade lifted his eyes to meet Raven’s. His smile turned decidedly less kind for a few moments, taunting her. How easily he had infiltrated the home and gotten her guardian wrapped around his finger. It was maddening.

“Miss Raven, you haven’t touched your food,” Jade pointed out.

“Don’t tell me what to do.”

“I am merely advising that you look after your own health and wellbeing,” Jade insisted. “And to think you were so eager to consume my cooking when it was just the two of us...”

“Sh-Shut up...!! I... I can’t help that I’m not used to unwanted guests at the table!”

“Now, now, Raven-kun!” Crowley waved his fork at his niece. “Jade Leech-kun has provided a number of useful services during my absence. We should be more grateful to to have such a helpful young man with us!”

“Do I need to remind you that this same ‘helpful’ young man also ‘helped’ Azul enslave over 200 students?”

“That was then, this is now!”

... You’ve got to be kidding me.

“Yes, I do believe the headmaster is correct. Let us leave the past in the past.”

“As soon as you leave, I’ll gladly purge the events of last week from my mind.” Raven turned to Crowley. “Uncle! I’m no longer a child. The next time you need to leave, you needn’t call for a babysitter—I can take care of myself!”

“Hmm...” The headmaster glanced helplessly between his half-eaten dinner and his niece’s pleasing eyes. “We shall see what comes, given the circumstances.”

Raven sighed—still not fully satisfied with the answer, but unable to wean anything better out of him.

She jabbed her fork into a cherry tomato and chomped down hard on it. Her fangs pierced the red skin, sending some juice squirting onto her cheek. Raven wiped at it with a napkin, then continued to angrily munch on the tomato to vent her frustration.

The clinking of silverware filled the dining room. The air, stiff as stale bread. Crowley coughed—attempting to alleviate the tense atmosphere, but to little success.

“So,” the headmaster began, “did anything interesting happen while I was at the conference?”

“... We argued a lot,” Raven replied flatly. She tactfully left out several details, knowing that she would turn as red as the cherry tomato if she elaborated.

“I did learn quite a few interesting facts during my stay.”

Crowley glanced up from his plate, arching an eyebrow at the eel. “Such as...?”

“Oh, a great many things. For example, how a glittering object catches Miss Raven’s eye, the messiness of her quarters, her midnight musings, the odd manner in which she sleeps...”

Crowley (who had been peacefully inhaling his dinner up until that point) almost choked on a piece of bread. “E-EXCUSE ME?! I don’t recall granting you permission to enter the attic—”

“Wait, you didn’t?” Raven’s brows furrowed. “Then why...”

... Oh.

Another lie.

All along, it had been a lie.

Crowley’s panic, Raven’s confusion—neither seemed to faze Jade. He simply smiled, as collected as ever. Like he had planned this all along, she realized.

“I’m afraid that Miss Raven allowed me in of her own accord. Fufu. I am pleased that she has grown to trust my presence within her private quarters.”

“Is this true, Raven-kun?!”

“Er...” She shrunk back into her seat, wishing she could vanish into her feathered shawl. “I-It was an honest mistake... I didn’t mean to...”

“You know better than that, young lady!!” Crowley chided. “How many times must I warn you to keep shady characters out of your room?!”

“But Jade said--”

“Headmaster, you cannot blame her entirely,” the eel cut in smoothly. “Part of the fault lies with me, as well.”

He’s... confessing? That’s weird.

“I had to deliver her meal, since she refused to eat at the dining room table. Once I saw the state that the attic was in, I sought to return in the subsequent days to assist with cleaning it up. There were also times when I came to check in on Miss Raven, as she has a habit of staying up late into the night. They were all measures I took to ensure her health and comfort, at the cost of breaking a rule--and for that, I must apologize.”

“Oh?” Crowley rested his chin in a taloned hand. “Rule breaking aside, I must commend you for taking action. Putting others’ wellbeing above your own... Perhaps I initially misjudged your character, Jade Leech-kun!”

“I live to serve.”

“How very admirable of you! Yes, yes,” Crowley nodded enthusiastically, “I can rely on such a responsible youth to look after you in the future, Raven-kun!”

“H-Huh? No, no!! He’s definitely still every bit as shady as you thought he was!!” she protested, leaping to her feet and thrusting an accusing finger at Jade. “He’s just lying again...!! He always lies!!”

“Oya, Miss Raven... It’s not healthy for you to become so worked up.” Jade hid his mouth behind his hand--no doubt that his teeth would otherwise be on full display in a cruel grin. “Here, have some more mashed potatoes--I’ve infused them with garlic. This should help temper your blood pressure.”

“I don’t want your stupid mashed potatoes...!!”

Oblivious to the tension in the room, Crowley lifted his glass up and laughed. “Hohoh! It’s nice to see Raven-kun socializing with her peers.”

[desertno3]

everything comes back to you (sean wallace x fem!reader)

Sean Wallace is the love of your life and had been ever since you were both sixteen. This is why, in the aftermath of his father’s murder, you do everything you can to make sure no one lays a hand him.

5.4k words.

A/N: To think this all came from me watching this scene of Joe from Volume (2012) and thought… I need to write about bb Sean. There’s also this post which is mostly what was in my head when I wrote this. Also, I was going to say Sean being soft around the people he loves is my own personal headcanon but like… it is actual canon, lmao. It’s so easy to forget because the man is cold most of the time. Anyway, I clearly have too many thoughts about this character. Enjoy. (also formatting on tumblr is shit so if you want to read this with the formatting I intended, head over here to AO3)

prologue.

“What the hell are you up to?” Sean demands as he watches you bustle around your shared bedroom, effectively turning it upside down as you stuff your belongings into a travel bag.

“Business,” You say, hardly pausing to look at him.

“Business?” He scoffs like he doesn’t believe you. You don’t blame him. Finn died mere days ago and every day since then you’d been acting strange. Between consoling Sean and helping the Wallace family with the funeral arrangements, you’d been answering calls at random hours of the day and going off to meetings even though nearly all business operations under the Wallace Corporation had been halted. Sean had been too caught up in everything to question it but now that you’d just told him that you were flying off to god knows where for alleged business, he was suspicious.

“You know something, don’t you?”

You don’t reply.

“Tell me.”

When you remain silent, you see his jaw clench in anger but that’s not what makes your heart squeeze painfully in your chest. What gets to you is the hurt you can see in his eyes, hurt that his fiancé of all people is keeping things from him. You know it’s unfair to be doing this to him right now but you had no choice.

You walk up to him, taking his face in your hands.

“You just have to trust me on this, Sean,” You say softly. “Please.”

“I can’t trust anyone right now, y/n.” He says it like a plea. He needs you to be the one person he can trust one hundred percent, wants to be able to put you apart from the rest of the world who seemingly had it out for his family right now. He can’t do that when you’re acting like this.

The statement doesn’t hurt you in the slightest. You understand where he’s coming from, understand why he can’t even trust you, but still, you wish he did.

“You can always trust me,” You tell him but you know it won’t be enough. That’s confirmed when his gaze goes steely and he pries your hands from his cheeks.

“If you step out that door, don’t bother coming home.”

You step back like you’d been burned by the ultimatum. “Sean, don’t-”

He shakes his head.

“Whatever you’re doing, I hope it’s worth it.”

_________________________________________________

one.

“It’s just so annoying, you know?” You huff, falling back onto Sean’s bed and pressing the heels of your palms into your eyelids. You’re sixteen and in the throes of teen angst, irritated by the confines of your parents’ demands regarding what you currently could and couldn’t do at that age.

“Yeah, I know,” Sean replies in solidarity from where he stands near the window.

You let out a sigh, the anger that was bubbling in your chest starting to dissipate now that you’d finished venting about it.

You’re so lost in your own thoughts that you don’t realise Sean has moved from his spot across the room to the bed beside you. The mattress dips a little as he sits and slowly lies back so he’s parallel to you.

You move your hands away from your eyes and your heart jolts when you crane your neck to look at him and realise how close he is.

“Thanks for listening to my ranting,” You murmur, starting to feel guilty that you’d come over to hang out only for it to end up being just him listening to your tirade.

He lets out a small chuckle. “Anytime.”

You smile gratefully, your heart rate accelerating as you continue to stare into his eyes. God, you like him so much. You have for a while now. As he inches closer, and you don’t know whether it’s deliberate on his part or not, you wonder what it would be like if you just kissed him right there.

“Y/n…” He says hesitantly, his gaze flicking down to your lips for a fraction of a second. “Can I-”

“Ooooh, Sean and y/n,” Billy sing-songs obnoxiously from the doorway - the doorway that both you and Sean had forgotten was wide open.

Sean leaps up from the bed and growls at his brother, who continues to tease him unfazed.

“Fuck off, Billy!”

He slams the door shut and everything descends into silence once more. You sit up and watch as Sean remains at the door, his shoulders tense. You get up and make your way over to him, feeling bolder than you ever have in your life.

“Sean,” You say softly, grabbing his attention.

He turns to you, the look in his eyes hesitant, and you use that opportunity to press your lips to his. You pull away just as quickly, gauging his reaction, but then he pulls you towards him again and this time the kiss is deeper, needier. Your hands steady yourself against his chest as his own move up to cup your jaw.

You’re both breathless when you pull away, sporting matching shy smiles as you look at each other.

“I really like you, y/n,” Sean confesses and your heart feels like it could burst.

“I really like you, too, Sean.”

~

When you and Sean get accepted into different universities, it worries you more than you let on. It would be the furthest away you’d ever lived from him and you were worried about what that meant for you both. You’d spent your last years of high school falling deeper and deeper in love with him and you weren’t ready to let him go. Not now, not ever.

“Hey,” He murmurs, noticing you’d spaced out again. “What’s wrong?”

You shrug it off but he’s not buying it. He shifts on the couch so that he’s sitting facing you and takes your hands in his.

"Talk to me.”

You end up telling him everything. How you don’t like that you’re not going to be able to see him as often as you do now, how you’re worried that the distance might put a strain on the relationship, how you really, really don’t like the idea of breaking up with him.

You half expect him to brush it off or to tell you that you’ve got nothing to worry about but he doesn’t.

“I don’t like it either,” He admits. “It’s going to be awful being so far away from you but it’s only a couple of years, yeah? We can do that. And then I’ll start working for my dad and you’ll start working for some cool startup and we can move into a flat in London. You and me.”

While your boyfriend’s vision of your future together warms your heart, you’re still hung up on the ‘couple of years’ you were going to be a good distance from each other.

“Babe,” He says, bringing your attention back to him. “We’re going to be okay.”

You nod, finally relenting and agreeing with him. There was no point in letting yourself get eaten alive with worry, not when he clearly loved you just as much as you loved him. It was going to be okay.

“I love you,” You tell him and he smiles, pressing a kiss to the back of your hand.

“I love you too.”

~

Sean’s vision of the future wasn’t too far off. You manage to secure a flat just before you both graduate and by the end of the summer, you’d moved in. Sean starts working immediately alongside Alex at the Wallace Corporation and you spend about eight months working for a new tech startup on the other side of London before Finn Wallace offers you a job. It goes over with Sean just as well as you expected it would - which was not well at all.

“Are you really going to throw away everything you’ve worked hard for? To be my dad’s fucking assistant?”

You sigh in exasperation. “I’m not throwing away anything, Sean! Do you think I’m that stupid? I’m going to use more of what I learned at uni as Finn’s assistant than I am now at that fucking sad excuse for startup and you know it!”

Sean knows you’re miserable where you currently work so you don’t know why he’s so against this.

“You don’t want me working with you, is that it?”

He sighs, palms pressing against his eyelids in frustration.

“No,” He says eventually. “No, it’s not that. It’s just… I don’t want my dad having a hold on the both of us. You’re supposed to be free from all the Wallace Corporation shit, out doing your own thing.”

Oh.

You step towards him and he instinctively wraps his arms around your waist. You press a light kiss to his lips, your fingers ghosting over the facial hair he had recently started sporting.

“Sorry to tell you this, Sean, but your dad’s had a hold on the both of us the moment we started dating. Maybe even before that. I’m sure if he didn’t approve of me, I would’ve been out of your life a long time ago.”

Sean grumbles at the realisation but he knows it's true.

You lovingly run your thumb over his cheek. "Nothing in London is out of Finn Wallace's reach."

You’re not a fool. You know Finn offered you this job for a very specific reason. If you were going to continue being with Sean, and at this point, everyone knew that was absolutely going to be the case, you were going to have to know how the company worked. And you weren’t against it. If Sean was to be the CEO one day, you refused to be the kind of wife who was oblivious to their husband’s dealings.

~

Gone is the youthful innocence of the lanky boy you fell in love with when you were sixteen. Sean is filled out and a lot more serious, trying to be more than what he is for his father’s sake. You suppose you're the same, too. It's not easy, being primed to eventually take over a multi-million dollar organisation (connected to an insidious underground one to boot) and Finn put just as much pressure on you as he did his son.

“It’s not my blood,” You mumble when Sean walks into the bathroom to find you soaking in the tub, the water around you a deep red. “Mostly.”

Wordlessly, he comes over and drains it before filling it back up with fresh water. You don’t move as he does so, still shaken and borderline catatonic from having just killed somebody for the first time. Sean doesn’t have to ask, he can just tell that’s what you’ve come back from. As he silently washes the blood from your skin, you look over to see his lips set in a tight line. You know he’s mad. Not at you. At his father, maybe. But there’s nothing he can do now. There’s no going back from this.

~

Everyone thinks you’re the power couple of the Wallace Corporation, steely and unfeeling, and you suppose in many ways you are but you also know that in other ways, you’re still the teenagers you were before, still completely and utterly smitten with one another.

“Hey,” Sean greets you, kissing your cheek before pulling out a chair and sitting beside you in the empty boardroom.

You look at him in surprise as he starts digging into some pre-packaged salad. “Hi. What are you doing?”

“Thought I’d have lunch with you.”

“It’s three in the afternoon.”

“The meeting ran overtime.”

You give him a sympathetic look and he rolls his eyes. “It’s fine. C’mere.”

You shuffle closer to him and let him tuck you under one arm while he forked salad into his mouth with the other.

“What have you been up to, hm?”

You let out an exhale, resting your head against his shoulder. “Meetings, same as you.”

You’re interrupted when Alex pops his head in with an apologetic look on his face, knowing he was disrupting a rare moment between you and Sean. Usually, the both of you would be so busy you’d only see each other in passing at work.

“Finn’s looking for you, y/n,” He tells you before disappearing again.

You sigh, getting up but not before kissing Sean on the cheek.

“I’ll see you at home.”

“Mm, see you.” He mumbles, swallowing his mouthful of salad before his hand shoots out to grab your wrist. “Wait, give me a proper kiss.”

You smile and comply, laughing when Sean pulls you back in for another and another.

“I have to go, Sean!”

“Alright, alright,” He says, letting you go. “I’ll see you later.”

~

"What's all this?" Sean asks when he comes home one night to find you in the kitchen looking like you’re in the middle of making a more elaborate dinner than usual.

"Just something to celebrate you finishing up that contract," You say, smiling when his arms circle your waist and his lips press a kiss to your cheek. "I was also thinking now that the contract's done, you've got all the time in the world to fuck me."

You all but squeal when he picks you up and carries you to the bedroom without a second thought.

"The food, Sean!"

"The food can wait," He murmurs, dropping you onto the bed. You giggle when he moves to hover above you, his lips brushing against yours. "I've got to take care of my fiancé first."

~

It’s those memories of your relationship with Sean that flood your mind as you lean against the brick wall of a Soho back alley, the hand pressing against the wound on your side not doing much to stop the blood seeping from your body faster than you would like.

Dread had filled you the moment you heard about Finn’s death and it had less to do with what happened to him and everything to do with the man you were engaged to, the one who was set to take over the company in his father’s wake. Despite Sean being the clear successor to the business, you knew Finn’s death would still leave a power vacuum in both London’s corporate and criminal worlds. You knew people would be out for Sean, trying to off him so that they could step up and take Finn’s place. And so, since the day Finn had died, you’d done everything you could to ensure Sean wouldn’t be harmed. Even after Sean’s heartbreaking ultimatum, you’d left and had been all over the country and London trying to stop the people that needed to be stopped. This last job you’d just carried out would have been it. It would have sealed the deal and would have kept Sean safe for good. Too bad you were probably going to die because of it.

You wince as your back slides further down the wall, your legs giving out and leaving you to drop unceremoniously onto the concrete. Each inhale felt like a billion knives entering your side and you knew you weren’t going to last much longer.

It was worth it, you think to yourself. It’s the last thought you have before your eyelids get too heavy to keep open, Sean’s last words to you echoing back in your mind. It may have cost you your life but was worth it if it meant you’d just ensured Sean would keep his for a long while.

_________________________________________________

two.

Despite the number of people crammed into your hospital room, the only sound to be heard is the steady beeping of the machines that had been attached to you. It had been a hell of a night for all of them and one that wasn’t over yet. Jacqueline’s frantic call to Sean about seeing you get wheeled into emergency surgery had cut short the tense discussion the Wallaces and Dumanis were having around the dining table. Sean had all but sped to the hospital, everyone else trailing behind him. Despite everything that had just been revealed to him that night, it all became secondary in comparison to the fact that Jacqueline had told him you were practically dying.

Everyone but Sean looks up when Ed steps back into the room, shoving his phone into his pocket.

“That was Jevan,” Ed announces to all of them. “Things have changed.”

“What things?” Marian asks, the tone in her voice still bitter. It’s a wonder neither she nor Sean have kicked the Dumanis out of the room but it was because there was still so much to be discussed - especially now that you were back in the picture and what happened to you remained unclear.

“The investors now want to keep Sean alive.”

A silence settles over the room at Ed’s revelation. It was mere hours ago that Alex had revealed it was the investors who wanted Sean dead.

“She knew,” Sean mutters, finally speaking up. His eyes raking over your nearly-lifeless face as you lay unconscious on the hospital bed and his mind thinks back to the last conversation he had with you. Business, you had told him then. Now, he had no doubt you had something to do with the investors’ most recent decision. “She knew they wanted me dead.”

“How?” It’s Alex who asks, vocalising the same thought Sean had been turning over and over in his mind. “How did she know where to find them? Who to talk to?”

No one has an answer. The machines beep steadily, filling in the silence until Ed sighs, a realisation dawning on him.

“Finn,” He states like that alone makes the answer clear. “She would’ve known through Finn. Think about it. When she was his assistant, he made her go with him to nearly every meeting he had.”

Everyone in the room was aware of the latter, of course. It was part of your job. It had even been a point of contention between Sean and his father at one point, why you were let in on meetings that he should’ve been in on too if he was going to take over the company one day. "She’s just there to make the coffee, son," Finn had laughed but that wasn’t true in the slightest. You were the one who took down the minutes, noted down anything of importance, kept tabs on any and all of Finn’s dealings with everybody. That was your job and through it, you ended up knowing more about the business than anyone else and you didn’t even realise it. You didn’t realise just how much you knew, how much knowledge you could use as leverage, as blackmail, until Sean’s life was on the line.

After Finn died, you did wonder whether he knew what he was setting you up for when he hired you, wondered if he always knew Sean would eventually need protecting and knew that you would do it without hesitation if you had the capability to do so.

It’s Ed, here in the hospital room, who comes to the realisation that he absolutely did.

“She knows more about Finn’s dealings with the investors than all of us in this room combined,” He continues. “Because he never actually needed her to be his assistant. He needed her to be someone who would know how to talk to them. To protect the company and its successor from them if need be.”

“Successor?” Marian asks. “You mean Sean?”

Ed nods and everyone jumps as Sean suddenly throws his fist against the bedside table in anger before whirling on the older man.

“You knew about this,” He seethes. “You knew he was doing this and you just let it happen.”

“I didn’t know this was his reasoning behind it, Sean, I promise you. But it makes sense. As his son, protecting you was a priority. Through her, Finn made sure you’d be kept safe.”

"Fuck that.” Sean spits in anger. “Fuck that. She's a priority too. You hear me? She needs to be kept safe too because if she's not alive I may as well be fucking dead."

_________________________________________________

three.

“I should’ve fucking realised that’s what she was up to. I should’ve fucking known,” Sean mutters as he looks at you, still lying there unconscious. “She risked everything for me.”

“Are you surprised?” Marian asks him. It’s just the two of them in the room now.

She, for one, isn’t surprised in the slightest. Having known you most of your life, she knew you had it in you. Maybe Finn saw that too, since it was what he ended up priming you for.

Sean sighs. He’s not surprised either. What he mostly feels is anger - at his late father for putting you in that position to begin with - and shame. He’s ashamed that while you were bending over backwards to try and keep him alive, he was doing fuck all for you. He'd even broken your fucking heart in the process. He’d regretted it the second you’d left the flat but he couldn’t get into contact with you afterwards. Either you’d changed your number or you weren’t answering his calls. He’d even hired a fucking private investigator to find out where you’d gone and what you were up to but they hadn’t come back with anything solid enough that could lead him to you. It was like you’d disappeared off the face of the earth.

"She paid you off,” Sean says bluntly the moment the PI enters the hospital room. It’s not a question. After everything that had surfaced in the last twenty-four hours, it clicked into Sean’s mind the reason the private investigator couldn’t find anything on you.

"She did,” They confirm.

Sean swears under his breath. He curses that fact that you were too good at this and curses the fact that it was probably Finn that taught you how, the same way Finn taught him. He should’ve fought harder to stop you from accepting his dad’s job offer. All those years ago.

“She paid me off,” The PI says. "But that doesn’t mean I didn't do my job."

Sean is handed a folder full of notes on your movements and a flash drive full of photos they’d snapped from a distance.

"You are a very lucky man, Sean Wallace. To have someone like her in your life."

_________________________________________________

four.

To say you’re surprised when you open your eyes to a sterile hospital room is an understatement. You were so sure you had no chance of getting out of that alley alive. Still groggy, you briefly wonder if it was the investors who managed to get you here in time - the strange puppet masters that they were - but your train of thought is halted when you realise Sean’s sister is in the room with you, sitting beside your hospital bed.

“About time you woke up,” Jacqueline says softly, a kind smile on her face. “How’re you feeling?”

Her question brings your attention to the relentless ache you feel all over your body.

“Like shit.”

She hums. “Well, you’re lucky you aren’t dead. You gave us all a scare getting wheeled in here the way you did.”

You shift a little, trying to get yourself in a position that would ease the pain somewhat. “How’s Sean?”

Jacqueline has to stop herself from rolling her eyes because of course that’s what’s on your mind right now. You coming back from the verge of death asking about Sean ran in a similar vein to the way Sean had been adamant about not leaving the hospital since you’d been admitted. Like two peas in a pod, she thinks. Always have been.

“He’s just out in the hall, actually,” She informs you. “On the phone to mum. He’s not going to be pleased he wasn’t here when you woke up.”

“But he’s okay?” You ask her.

“He’s okay.”

You let out the breath you didn’t realise you were holding, your head sinking further into the pillow.

“Good,” You say, shutting your eyes in relief. “That’s good.”

Only a few seconds pass before you hear the door open and shut and a heart-achingly familiar voice break the silence.

“How is she?”

Again, Jacqueline has to keep herself from rolling her eyes. Her brother would always ask that same question every time he returned to the room, no matter if he was gone for an hour or for just a couple of minutes. At least this time, she was glad to give him an answer other than ‘she’s the same as she was when you left’.

“She’s awake.”

Your eyelids flutter open and your heart jumps when your gaze lands on Sean.

“I’ll leave you both to it,” Jacqueline smiles when she looks between her brother and yourself. She comes over and rests her hand on yours. “I’m really glad you’re alive, y/n.”

You give her a grateful smile and watch her leave before your eyes flicker back to the man standing at the door. He looks healthy, you note to yourself. Exhausted, but healthy.

“Sean,” You whisper, breaking the silence.

“Hey,” He says softly, approaching your bedside. You slowly sit up and tears start to pool in your eyes at the sight of him here, so close to you. Safe and alive. He notices and reaches out to wipe away the stray tears that had rolled down your cheeks.

“I’m so glad you’re okay,” He murmurs and you have to hold back a sob.

"I did it for you, Sean," You can barely get the sentence out, your voice catching as you start to get choked up by emotion. "Everything I did-"

"I know," He says, cupping your face tenderly. His eyes are glassy too. "I know."

“I couldn’t let them hurt you. I couldn’t-”

You stop as your tears start to flow uncontrollably. You’d kept so much of your emotions at bay as you dealt with everything and now that it was all done, they were spilling over in waves. He gently pulls you into his embrace as you cry, mindful of your injuries. One hand strokes your hair comfortingly as you cling to him, soaking the front of his shirt with your tears. You keep muttering apologies into his chest and he has to tell you to stop because you have nothing to be sorry for. He should be the one apologising, he thinks. No matter what he does for you for the rest of his life nothing would come close enough in magnitude to what you’d just done for him.

You sniffle as your sobs finally start to subside but you don’t let go of him just yet.

“I want to come home, Sean,” You say quietly, your cheek still pressed against his chest.

“You are home,” He assures you, his arms affectionately squeezing you ever so slightly. "You're here with me. You're already home."

_________________________________________________

epilogue.

Sean barely leaves your side while you recover - not for business, not for anything.

“The company needs you, Sean.”

He shakes his head. “Alex has it covered. You need me.”

“I can take care of myself.”

“Believe me, I know. But still. In sickness and in health, right?”

You snort. “We’re not married yet.”

His arms wrap around your waist.

“But we will be,” He murmurs. “I would’ve married you a long time ago if I had it my way.”

“My mother would’ve murdered you.”

Sean chuckles, all too aware of it.

It was about a year and a half into your university lives that Sean decided he genuinely wanted to marry you and, of course, he had run it by your mother.

“I’ll give you my blessing, Sean,” She had told him. “But only if you promise me you’ll give it a few years until you propose.”

“Just trust me on this, okay?” She said after Sean had frowned and asked her why. “I know you love her and I know she loves you but there’s no need to rush.”

Sean had agreed reluctantly but now, years later, he understands where she was coming from. At the time, he had naively been sure there was nothing the two of you couldn’t handle. You’d both handled being at different universities so well, after all. Now, he cringes at the fact that that was his metric but he figures he couldn’t blame himself. At that age, he definitely never anticipated having to deal with all the shit life had thrown at you both in the last few months alone. He’s somewhat grateful your mum told him to wait because now, after everything, he’s more sure than he ever was about the fact that he wants to spend the rest of his life with you.

~

You’re finally back home, in your own bed, lying on your back because it’s the only comfortable way you can lay down with all your stitches and injuries yet to fully heal. You turn your head to look at Sean and you smile. He’s on his back as well, the both of you craning your necks awkwardly to look at each other.

“What?” He asks.

“This is very familiar.”

He snorts, knowing exactly what you’re referring to. He props himself up on his elbow and looks down at you.

“At least this time I’m not scared to do this.”

Your eyelids flutter close as he leans down to press his lips to yours. You reciprocate, leaning up to deepen the kiss before pain shoots up your side, making you hiss.

“Sorry,” He murmurs, pulling away.

“It’s fine, just the stitches.”

His thumb grazes over your cheek. “Rest.”

He smiles at the way you huff. You never did like staying still.

~

You let out a content sigh, sinking back in your office chair. It had felt like a lifetime since you’d been in here and finally being back felt like you were putting in the final piece in the puzzle. It was the last thing you needed to feel like everything was starting to go back to normal.

A knock on the door grabs your attention, Sean popping in to check on you. “You ready?”

You nod, gingerly getting up and following him to the boardroom for the family meeting.

~

“So you know Alex and I have been talking,” Sean says to you once everyone had filed in and taken their seats. “About what will be best for the business going forward.”

You nod.

“Things have settled down and we’ve managed to broker temporary agreements with everyone to keep them in line. However, we need to guarantee they won’t act out in the future. So we need someone heading the company who they will listen to, someone who they trust. Alex wants to continue doing the finances and I’m better off sticking to making the buildings so… we were wondering if you would be the CEO.”

Your expression goes slack in shock. “What?”

“We’ve run it by Ed and mum and they agree, too. You’re our best bet.”

You look between everyone in the room, bewildered. “Why?”

“Because you know more about dealing with the investors and shareholders than any of us,” Alex says. “You saw first-hand how Finn did his business with them, something me and Sean rarely did. And they not only know you personally but they trust you, too.”

“Y/n,” Ed pipes up. “Whether he did it deliberately or not, Finn taught you everything he knew about the most important part of running this corporation. Alex knows finance and sales, Sean knows property and asset management but you? He specifically taught you how to bargain. And bargaining and making deals is part of what keeps the Wallace Corporation on top.”

“All our shareholders, the investors, they’ll be okay with this?” You ask.

Ed gives you a look, “You tell us.”

The weight of the responsibility hits you in full force but you’re surprised when you don’t feel scared. You feel sure. They were all right, you’d been doing this already.

You nod. “They will be.”

And it’s not a threat so much as it’s just pure confidence on your part. You knew their strengths, their weaknesses, you knew you would be able to keep them in line with your words, either finding mutual ground or using certain things as leverage to get what the company needed. You could bargain with them the same way you’d bargained for Sean’s life. You could do this.

You meet Sean’s eyes across the boardroom table and he smiles at you, pride blooming in his chest at the thought of his girl, the one he had fallen head-over-heels for at sixteen, being the CEO of his dad’s company. You smile in return. God, you loved him. Your entire world, your whole heart, belonged to him. And his to you. It always had been, and it always would be.

_________________________________________________

End notes: The first kiss setting in one. I took straight from Volume, lol, and then two. is set after that meeting scene at the end of Episode 7 of Gangs but I’ve taken some liberties with that meeting and diverged from canon right before Ed tells them Finn never wanted Sean near the business because Sean’s reaction to that hurts my heart. So that’s not a thing in my fic world. Anyway! Too many thoughts about this show. Let me know if you enjoyed this fic!

[scorsoneamelia]

oh my god ok so i decided to write a little smth about my girl amelia because i love writing and i used to do it all the time but i stopped and i rlly rlly wanna get back into it

so i wrote smth that takes place at the end of s17 after the amelink proposal 

TW: mention of drugs/addiction/death

                Sometimes --- more often that usual, it feels like the world is ending, like life will never slow down, no matter how many times she wishes and she prays that she'll be able to wake up and it will feel like a breath of fresh air; to be able to wake up and have the rays of the morning sunshine creeping it's way through the dark curtains, hitting her boyfriend's face at an angle that made him look absolutely breathtaking, an angel sent from God himself, so beautiful that it'd take her breath away, and maybe even her heart would skip a beat-- literally. And then his eyes would flutter open so delicately and the rays would make his blue eyes sparkle, looking even more blue than she ever remembered.

             But instead, she woke up with the alternative.Alone--oh, ever so lonely. He had sprung up the big question, getting down on one knee and pouring his absolute heart out, even giving her four rings because the boy was worried and conflicted on exactly what he wanted the ring to look like. It wasn't like she didn't want to, or that she didn't love him because oh my god, she loved him. Loved him so much that sometimes it made her chest feel tight and it made her want to understand what she did to deserve someone like him, someone as amazing as him.

             You challenge me... you-you.. thrill me. You.. impress the hell out of me.

              On top of the world-wide pandemic, Scout-- Meredith's kids, her mind is going a million miles a minute and for once she wants to take a step back-- out of her own mind, her own life and just breathe.

           And there's definitely nobody on Earth like you.

            She can't get the image out of her head, the heartbreak that spread across his face, the absolute sadness and pain that washed away the big big smile he had previously been giving her. She didn't mean to just blank and stare at him with no words, no expression-- she just froze.

            So now, she woke up alone, her boyfriend not beside her. She felt like she couldn't catch her breath and maybe it was because life sucked or maybe it was because of the nightmare that kept flashing through her head, in bits of pieces like a flash on a camera. Appearing back into her mind for a second before she completely forgets what the dream was even about. It was about her father-- it's always about her father. But this time, it was about her father-- Ryan, Derek and even Christopher. Four of the most important people to her; gone. The curtains were closed, the rays couldn't peak their way inside, or maybe it was because it was ten o'clock at night-- the room so so dark, almost as dark as her mind as been lately.

        Meetings had been harder to attend, the pandemic had only been allowing them to do meetings over a computer screen, in the same atmosphere that is making her feel like she's going crazy. Scout takes all of her free time away-- actually all of her time. She loves him, more than she loves herself but for months now she hasn't been able to breathe, especially with her nieces and nephew also needing all of hers and Link's full attention. She's doing this because they're her family and Meredith is on a vent, the world trying to take even more away from her.

        A day or two at work is what she needed this week to feel like she was alive again, cutting into someone's brain to give her some kind of feeling, even if it was just adrenaline. Sometimes, Amelia wishes that the adrenaline was enough. Was enough feeling for her to keep going-- god, she wants to give up so badly.  

        So, that night instead of waking to her boyfriend's beautiful blue eyes, she woke up to an empty room and an empty house because her sister was nice enough to take the kids for a day, the day after her wedding because hell-- she was that nice. She broke down, tears staining her cheeks and she was worried she wasn't going to stop.

         You're loud and fearless and it scares the crap out of me. How am I supposed to call you up and tell you that I've been shot? I can't tell you about my pain-- I don't want you to know that pain exists.

          Derek--- she missed her big brother more than she has ever missed anyone. Her father being an exception but Derek, her favourite person in the entire world was taken from her too soon and once again it felt like her world was crashing down around her. His voice was repeating in her head like a broken record and it was loud--- so loud, was she crazy? 

         You're my favourite sister.

         She couldn't breathe, it was like she was reliving the news all over again. Her chest felt like it was caving in and Derek's voice was still ringing in her head, like he was haunting her. 

          "We did that." Amelia nodded, standing next to her older brother after a successful brain surgery that saved the mother of her friend's son. 

           "We did that." He agreed. "We gotta publish." She joked, Derek looking over at her and replying with, "Oh hell yeah we do... You ever think about doing drugs again-"

           "Remember this?" Amelia interrupted.

           "I was gonna say call me and I'll fly down to Los Angeles to knock some sense into you." He joked, causing them both to laugh. "But okay... remember this. But that doesn't work,"

         "Yeah, you can totally kick my ass." She joked, extending her arm to shove him in the arm gently, both of them laughing while he pulled her into a tight hug. "Done. I love you." Derek said softly while he tightly held onto his little sister, and she was hugging him back as if she never wanted to let him go.

        Her favourite person in the entire world was gone and she didn't know what to do anymore, grief comes in waves and it never goes away. It's true what they say about grief-- it gets better with time...  because it does and she knows that better than anyone else. But what they don't say is that when it does come back, it's like a wave hitting you when you least expect it and then you're drowning, trying to catch your last breath before you're suffocating.

       "You didn't kill Ryan," the girl with the dyed red hair had stated, someone that had became her friend after her first night at the treatment centre.

       "Excuse me?" Amelia asked, mostly taken by surprise because it was in front of a group of people, a literal group of people.

        "You didn't kill him. You might've wrote the prescriptions but he took the drugs himself." Everyone was listening now, her secrets now out in the open. Secrets she never shared with the group.

          "Shut up, Hayley." Amelia snapped. 

           "And that guilt-- that's gonna kill you. That's what killed my best friend, it was guilt. Cause her mom was so freaked that she had a breakdown and her dad left-" It was like it was just the two of them, direct eye contact with each other. It was like everyone else that was in the room disappeared. 

          "Hayley... you don't know what the hell you're talking about, you're a child and you need to shut up." She cut the girl off, getting frustrated that she was even sharing her own personal secrets with everyone else. She could feel the pain rising in her chest, a tight feeling stuck at the bottom of her throat. She didn't believe that.. she did kill him. 

         "You didn't.. kill him!" Hayley tried again, the girl clearly wanting to get her point across. "Okay? He took the drugs himself, you didn't make him take them. He took them himself! You gotta get that, before I left here.. you have to get that. Because if you don't-- you're not gonna make it," Amelia's vision was blurry now, the tears drowning her sad blue eyes. "And I need you to make it. I know you loved him, and I know he loved you. But he took... the drugs... himself."

         Amelia finally broke down, sobs taking over her body. They were loud cries, cries of pain, cries for help. There was pain all over her body, rushing throughout her body like waves crashing against the shore. Burying her head into her hands, pulling her legs onto the chair and pulling them against her chest, trying to make herself feel small because that's how she felt--- small.

         It was cold in the room, and she was numb. Memories were flooding in, Derek, Ryan, Christopher-- her father. The room was cold, almost as cold as the hotel room was when Ryan died. He died-- right beside her. Her boyfriend died right before they were going to get sober, be happy together.. he died. He didn't make it. And no matter how many times she thinks back to that day in rehab when Hayley reminded her that it was not her fault, it was her fault and not a day goes by where she doesn't blame herself. 

         She wasn't crying anymore, she was just sitting in her bed with her legs pressed against her chest, no emotion and no thoughts other than the faces of everyone she has ever lost. The short moments she spent with Christopher, her dad getting shot and Derek holding her so tight that she couldn't move, Owen telling her the news about Derek dying. Link hadn't checked in, he hadn't called, he hadn't texted and she didn't blame him. He was hurt, like he deserved to be and she couldn't be mad at him for not showing up at the house to see her. But she did need him, she needed someone, but her one sister was in a hospital bed with machines breathing for her, and her other sister was with her husband and the kids--- her kid. 

          After she ended up forcing herself out of bed, her mind still loud and her entire body numb, a lump constantly sitting at the bottom of her throat--- she was walking through the front doors of a quiet, dark and small bar. Not many people were there, just a few people eating some food with their friends, some had a beer in front of them. Amelia doesn't know how she got here but she was sitting down at the bar, blue eyes heavy and sad, old makeup from earlier in the day staining her cheeks. 

         "You look like you need a drink," The bartender spoke as he made his way over to her. He was tall, sandy blonde hair with green eyes, he definitely didn't hurt the eyes to look at. "What can I get ya?"

         Her sad eyes slowly glanced up at him and she didn't answer. She didn't know what she was doing-- a drink? She hasn't a drink in a few years, the last time being when Meredith was in the hospital for being attacked. It's been a while and she thought she was doing good-- better. She thought about Link, and Scout, who needed him. Scout needed her, more than he needed anyone. It was almost enough for her to stand up and leave the bar until her mouth opened and she was ordering a drink. "Vodka tonic."

         "Coming right up." The boy winked, moving to the opposite side of the bar to mix her drink. Amelia thought she'd feel some kind of regret, but instead she continued to sit there; numb.

           The glass was placed in front of her and her hands were reaching for it, as she lifted it to her lips and took a sip, the feeling of the Vodka burning her throat. Memories continuing to flood her mind, only causing her to drink back the drink faster, which only caused the bartender to place another drink in front of her. 

-----

             Five drinks; she already drank five drinks and at this point she could feel the alcohol in her bloodstream, already making her feel much more calm and more relaxed. The feeling of being drunk again was a good feeling; scary good. Scary to the point where she was worried about slipping again, which is what she already did. She's at a bar, five drinks in, almost onto her sixth with a young male; attractive male sitting beside her making small talk. She already slipped.

            She had eight missed calls from Maggie, none from her boyfriend. Her state of mind was making her more and more angry, angry that he hasn't checked in. Sober Amelia would be telling herself, it's not his fault, you said nothing to his proposal. Give him space. But drunk Amelia, is angry, pissed, hurt--- angry that he stopped checking in. He told her he'd check in, he promised her he'd check in but instead he went to his best friend, Jo's house and she hasn't heard from him. 

          "Where are you headed to after this?" The green eyed boy was moving closer, his eyes trailing down her body as she sat there, body feeling like she was floating. 

           "Nowhere with you," she answered. "I have a boyfriend." Would Link be still considered her boyfriend even though she never responded to his proposal? 

           "That's unfortunate," he sighed, pulling his drink up to his lips. "Where's your so-called boyfriend?"

           Jo's, is what she wanted to reply but it's not like the boy would know what she was talking about, nor did he even care, he was just wanting her to come home with him. "Just at home." 

           Her phone was buzzing on the table again, and she was already six drinks in. The memories that had previously filled her head were now gone and all she felt was dizzy. Dizzy, numb--- great. She felt great, amazing. Maggie was calling again and she was about to decline the call before she remembered why she might be calling. Scout.

          "Maggie, hey," Amelia answered, trying her best to sound sober. "So sorry, I was asleep." She was hoping that Maggie would believe her, despite her words slurring together.

          "Amelia, where are you actually? I just came by the house to drop the kids off and you're not home and I don't know where Link is, are you with him?" Fuck fuck fuck. She's so stupid, stupid for showing up to a bar knowing damn well that she'd have to take care of 4 kids by the end of the night. She had a debate with herself, debating on whether or not she should tell Maggie the truth or lie.

            "I was asleep, I had to run to the hospital for a consult," she lied. "I'm on way back." Amelia thought the lie was good, even though she was slurring. But Maggie didn't sound too convinced but she agreed that she'd see Amelia at the house before they both hung up the phone. 

            One more drink she told herself before she was dialling a cab so that she could get home safely because even though she slipped she can't be responsible for someone else dying.

-----

           It was late. Almost one in the morning when Amelia walked through the front door, stumbling is the right word to describe it. She assumed Maggie and the kids would be asleep but she was greeted with Maggie, her arms crossed in front of her chest as she stood up from the couch. 

           "It has been a long day," Amelia started, so obvious she was drunk. "My bedroom is calling my name."

           "Amelia," Maggie said, with so much sadness in her voice. Maggie was far from stupid, she was brilliant, a genius, she could see right through Amelia.

           "No questions, just bed." Amelia headed towards the stairs, swinging her bag over her shoulder before Maggie walked up to her, stepping in front of her to stop her from going up the staircase. Maggie made a face, a you smell like vodka face and then she was putting her hands on Amelia's shoulders and pulling her into a hug, a tight hug, so tight that the hug itself almost made Amelia break down into a puddle of tears. A hug is exactly what she needed, especially right now. "I'm sorry..." Were the only words Maggie could form and she just held her. One hand was pressed against the back of Amelia's head while the other was wrapped around her, it never seemed like she was going to let go. 

          Amelia was dizzy, and she was sad and she could barely stand so she used Maggie to hold herself up. "No," Amelia cried out, a single tear dripping off of her soft eyelashes. "I'm sorry. I'm so sorry, I did it again. I'm a mess, I did it again." 

          "No, no, no," Maggie said, pulling away from Amelia before brushing a single strand of hair out of her face and pushing it behind her ear. "You're not a mess."

           Amelia just stared at Maggie, her eyes heavy, her blue eyes drowning in a puddle of tears and Maggie could see the pain in her eyes and it made Maggie sad, she cared about Amelia so much. Before the two could exchange any other words, Scout was crying from his crib upstairs.

         "I'll get it," Amelia slurred, dropping her bag to the floor and stumbling backwards as she grabbed onto the railing of the staircase.

          "No," Maggie said sternly. "I'll do it, just go lay down, I'll join you after." Maggie helped Amelia up the stairs because honestly--- she thought she was going to fall down, the girl could barely walk. 

          Amelia was already laying in her bed, the room spinning around her and before she had even a minute to rest, she was running to the bathroom to empty out her stomach into the toilet. Six drinks didn't seem like very many but maybe it is for someone who hadn't had anything to eat because she forgot to and she hasn't had a sip of alcohol in a long time. She was doing so well, dammit.

          She wasn't alone for long because while Amelia was gripping onto the toilet bowl, knuckles turning white her hair was being pulled up and out of the way. Maggie was rubbing her back in a comforting way, trying anything that she could to help the girl.

         After puking, she stayed sat on the floor, sitting with her back against the wall and the room was still spinning. Maggie slid down the wall to sit beside her, pulling Amelia into her side. 

         "You're going to be okay," Maggie said, pulling Amelia closer to her and since the room was spinning so fast, she had to rest her head on Maggie's shoulder because she needed to sleep. "We'll start fresh tomorrow."

         She closed her eyes, taking deep breaths and even though the alcohol made her feel good, she also felt regret and shame. So much shame. She hated herself, she hated that she did this to herself again. 

          She did this to Scout.

          And to Link. And to everyone she cares about.

          Everyone she's ever lost would be so disappointed in her, she knew they would be because that's what she was. Disappointed in herself.

          But maybe she was right, one day at a time and even though she got to this point again, she'll try again tomorrow and hope and pray that she doesn't start spiralling.

          The last image in her head before she started to doze off was Derek and her dad, the most important people in her life. 

[alexawynters]

TW

Venting. Don’t take this too seriously it’s fine I’m fine.

So my recent ex gf of 8 months (I count the time we were fucking around as well as dating bc let’s not lie I caught feels early because I’m pathetic) who broke up with me a little over two months ago is now hooking up with one of my closest friends.

Its cool. I still cry myself to sleep, have nightmares, and wake up crying throughout the night but it’s fine. I spend more time drunk than sober (I had been doing so well! It was two years since I was last an alcoholic) and replaying every red flag, every moment where I thought to myself “you know, I don’t think she really likes me, you don’t treat the people you like this way right?” And then my dumb desperate ass was like “no we’re going to overlook this because surely she would tell me right? Besides I’m asking for too much, I should just be grateful she even expressed any interest at all. Stop being needy. Stop asking for anything other than what she is giving you because you’re lucky she’s even with you, what’s wrong with you?

Like. The first two months we were together? I called my besties every other week crying because I felt like a human sex toy. She didn’t even seem to want to do relationship things. I didn’t understand why she even asked me out, I had told her before we got together if all she wanted to be was fwb that was okay. But she asked me out so I was like okay cool. You want to date me. As in be in a relationship. I’m excited for this. Let’s do relationship things. We didn’t often do relationship things. We did sexual ones instead.

Then after two months suddenly the sex all but stopped. I thought to myself okay cool every relationship hits a plateau, and levels out. This is normal. Little did I know that was the slow death of us. The. I was calling my besties every other week again, still crying, begging to know what I was doing wrong. Why wasn’t I good enough? Why didn’t she seem interested but was still with me? What was I doing wrong? What was I not doing enough of, or too much of, or just not doing right? What was wrong with me that I couldn’t seem to interest her beyond the bare bones minimum?

I found myself begging for her to spend time with me. I lived with roommates who were our friends, and it always felt like she wanted to spend more time with them than me. I had to ask her if we could have some “just us” nights which, rarely were ever actually just us unless we went out. There were times she would literally, every five minutes look out the window to see when my roommates were home, and I was like ???? Do you not want to spend time with me? She would go to the kitchen to get something and be gone for twenty minutes to an hour at a time, having gotten distracted and hanging out with them. Which isn’t inherently bad to be clear but it happened so often and I wondered. I never forgot about her when I was leaving the room and got stopped for a conversation. If I knew I was going to be long I would text her to invite her or let her know.

I had even told her if she wants to just hang out with them, she could. I genuinely wouldn’t have minded that. Have fun with your friends, you should. I could hang out in my room and be me (I’m incredibly introverted, autistic, and have anxiety, and the living situation had me ~*stressed*~ out) but she didn’t want to do that.

If we were out on a date, she was almost always texting, or snap chatting somebody else. I always tried to make it a point to focus on us when we were in dates, but it never felt reciprocated. I brought it up and then felt like an asshole for already asking for just us time, and now to please not be on your phone when we’re on a date. She looked so sad, like I had scolded her. I would replay it over and over in my head - I tried to be gentle and polite, not accusing or angry. I checked my words carefully and ran them by multiple people to try to be as non aggressive and non accusatory as I could before I ever spoke them to her. Clearly I didn’t succeed.

She has OCD (nothing against it and I usually found it endearing) and would sometimes go into a loop. I always tried to help her but usually just ended up frustrating her. She snapped at me on occasions including in front of my friends and didn’t often apologize for it. Something my friends brought up after she did it in front of them, and I made excuses for it. She was stressed out, I would be too, stop being so hard on her.

She never planned anything with me, I always had to do it. I brushed it off as her having anxiety and not liking planning, but when she asked me “oh we’re still doing that?” for the trip for my nieces wedding in which I was taking her to meet my (extremely judgey) family, the trip that I had been updating her on weekly about the plans trying to get any input from her on, the trip that I had to pull in favors for and grovel to get the time off to go to? I should have said never mind and cancelled it.

She didn’t even help plan my birthday. My best friends did, and showed me the texts where they were getting frustrated with her lack of input on it because she’s my girlfriend and surely she would want to participate in that? Want to help surprise me? It was my first surprise party ever. I told her thank you and she acted like she had absolutely had a hand in planning. Meanwhile my friends all got together while she and I were gone to vent about how pisses they were at her for her lack of effort.

I have some childhood trauma and I don’t like to be touched sexually. I’ll touch my partner and even enjoy it but I don’t like being touched. It triggers me. But she said no less than three times to different people “yeah I’ve still never gone down on a girl or anything” which made me feel like I wasn’t being a good enough girlfriend. So I got sex therapy. I worked through it as best I could. Not for me. I didn’t want to be touched that way but I wanted my girlfriend to be happy. I wanted to do right by her and give her everything she wanted or needed in a relationship. Right about this time is where the sex stopped. She also stopped flirting or doing things she used to do before we started/right as we started dating that were clear indicators that she liked me. (I am an oblivious idiot)

I started to get worried. Why was I working this hard if she didn’t actually want to touch me? I was happy not being touched, but now I was starting to think something was wrong. I was starting to feel like she didn’t even want me. I started asking for sex as reassurance that she was still interested. Still attracted.

She called me a horn dog.

Not just to me but also later to my best friend. I was so mortified I wanted to jump out of the window and run into traffic. *I* was a horndog? All I wanted was affection and reassurance. She said her love language was physical affection and so was mine but she rarely gave me the cuddles I needed. I would ask her for “pets” - where she would play with my hair or just run her hand up and down my arm. This for me is intimacy. I had no problems doing it for her ever but she would get annoyed when I asked, saying it was hard for her to focus on the tv.

Okay? So? I’m not asking much, I didn’t think. I stopped paying attention to the tv when I was petting her. I made her my whole focus so she would feel loved. I mean unless it was like Harry Potter but I would be mindful to alternate so she wouldn’t be left out.

She only introduced me to one of her friends (who I thought was pretty cool but I worry she hates me so I just don’t talk to her now). At first I thought this was because she was in the closet. To be clear I never had a problem with that. I would never push someone to come out before they were ready and I hate movies and media that have the partner doing that. It’s shitty and dangerous. If she felt safer in the closet more power to her. I actively went to bat for protecting that secret for her. Sometimes our friends would forget and tag her in shit that would out her. I would be in their texts and calling them immediately explaining the situation and asking them to untag or take the post down. I’m not saying that as any sort of bragging. That’s literally the least I could do. I’m saying it to illustrate that I don’t have a problem with her being in the closet. But then she told me her friends knew about us. So I was like okay cool you’ve met all of my friends and are part of the group. I’d like to meet your friends. “Um.. they’re just really busy”. I mean. Yeah so are my friends and I didn’t mean like right now I just meant maybe mention it to them and we can some time schedule a hang out. “They’re just really busy”. Red flag but okay. Gonna just. Overlook this one too. It’s fine.

I spent more nights when she visited waiting for her to fall asleep so I could cry myself to sleep over how worthless I felt. Why was I doing this? Everything hurt but maybe I was just asking too much. Had my expectations too high. I’ve been told that before. Usually by people who have left me, those who stay (and my therapist) insist I’ve been asking for the bare minimum. To this day I still don’t know. If all you get is nothing , surely you are nothing? You don’t deserve to ask for more.

By June I started thinking she’s not happy with me. I’m not the one she wants. I don’t think much of myself. I don’t think I’m worth anything. I wrote her a letter that sat in my desk at work, basically saying that she deserved to be happy. She deserved to be with someone who sparks excitement, joy, and romance in her. Someone she wants to introduce to her friends (that she’s out to). Someone that she wants to spend time with and forgets about anyone else (within reason obviously, not like actually forgetting the world friends and responsibilities). Someone she is actually excited to spend time with and looks forward to. Someone that makes her not want to cancel every other date. She shouldn’t settle, even if it’s for me.

It broke my heart to write that letter. I was going to give it to her after her birthday because I didn’t want to be a sick and break up with her right before/on her birthday. Turns out she beat me to the punch and dumped me after I took her home.

I don’t know why I was surprised. The entire relationship things didn’t feel right. I always felt like I was doing something wrong. People in my life always seem to like the idea of me and then when they get to see the real me suddenly it’s like oops too much I’m out. Or alternatively they just.. they think I’m interesting and then lose interest.

My birth mother rejected me not once but twice. My adoptive mother was thrilled at the idea of me until I got to be about 4 and she realized something wasn’t quite right. My dad doesn’t care enough about me to stop drinking. Almost every single best friend I’ve ever had growing up has left usually because of some stupid shit I’ve done or because they’re embarrassed of me. Cheryl thought I was some monster out to hurt my friends (even when said “hurt” friend who was actually there went to bat for me and confirmed that I was literally just in the wrong place at the wrong time). Holly stopped caring. Brie never cared. Johanna only cared when she could use her affection of me to hurt someone else she was being petty with. Lissa only wanted someone she could bully, and even once she had me it wasn’t enough. Jerika definitely didn’t want me, and even my closest friend of 17 years Amy left for three months in which I genuinely thought she wasn’t coming back because I had the audacity to try to help her out of a panic attack. Jocelyn couldn’t stand me for more than a week at a time and roxii didn’t have the time of day for me after Americorps.

I feel like my whole life has just been a game of measurements that’s found me wanting. I tried. I tried so hard and I know I didn’t succeed I know there were things I could have done differently with my latest ex. Things I could have done better. I’ve never wanted anything to work so much in my life. Never tried so hard and still I wasn’t enough. I’m never enough.

I watched her, the woman that I was in love with, slowly lose interest in me over the course of about 4 months. Do you know what that’s like? What that does to you? The more I tried, the quicker she seemed to fade. I kept thinking if I just try harder, I’m just not doing, saying the right things. I read every book on relationships I could get my hands on (blatantly ignoring the parts that told me I should see the red flags for what they were and step away). I took notes. I watched therapy videos. I put to work every therapy technique I had ever learned. I wasn’t perfect but I was going to give this everything I had. Just once I didn’t want anyone to be able to say I didn’t try. I wanted to be as healthy, loving and supportive of a partner as I could because I loved her and didn’t want to hurt her. I knew that I had a lot of personal growth that I had been working on before I met her and I wanted to really ramp that up while I was with her to be good to her. To be good for her.

I’m not even mad. My friends say I should be. They’re mad on my behalf and I’m the one telling them to be nice, and defending her. Part of me thinks they’re right but mostly, mostly I think I’m just a steaming pile of shit and I deserved this.

I wasn’t enough. I’m tired of not being enough. I’m tired of fighting the universe showing me over, and over, and over, and over, and over again how absolutely worthless, not shit I am.

When she broke up with me I told her I felt like I was losing one of my best friends. She said we’re still friends I’m still going to be in your life and we will still talk. Turns out that’s only if I initiate and usually shortly after she shuts it down. So. I guess not.

I asked her one thing and that was when (not if because obviously when, I mean if you saw her you would understand) she moved on if she could just not bring the new person around for the first few months so I didn’t have to see it immediately I would appreciate it and she was like yeah for sure. I told her I wanted her to be happy and I meant it. I just didn’t realize it was going to be barely over 2 months and with one of my good friends.

To be clear she can date whomever she wants. I just thought there might have been more time between them showing up publicly and honestly? Even if her friend was single, interested in me, and I interested in her, I wouldn’t have dated her friend. Even if the positions were reversed and I actually broke up with her first, I wouldn’t have dated her friend. I would imagine that would hurt and I never want to hurt her. Ever. I just.. I wouldn’t have done it. And then she told my one best friend to not tell my other best friend or me and I’m like?? So you know this is a little shady and you’re still gonna?? Like you literally couldn’t wake a couple more months? Just til after Friendsgiving so I don’t have to come to a group event and plaster on a smile when it makes me want to stab myself in the heart.

Alright. Well. Good for her. And I mean that. I just.. can’t see that right now so I’m not seeing any of them. I heard the song Reminds me of you by Kim petras today “cut off all my friends because they remind me of you” and literally felt punched in the gut. Like yep. Too right. Because what am I supposed to go go hang out with my closest friends, where she and her new partner are, and fake a smile? I’m barely holding it together. There’s literally not a day in which I don’t want to kill myself.

Not because she broke up with me. Because I’m tired of being worthless to everyone I care about. Like why the fuck am I even here? Is this what I was born for? To be trash? To be used by people until they find someone better? Or to be someone’s quirky new friend until they find out my quirks are not an act? Or for people to think Im interesting only to slowly realize that I’m not and want nothing to do with me?

I think about all the things I’ve survived that I shouldn’t have and get frustrated because wHY? Why couldnt I just have died and been done with everything? I said to Nathan the other day that at some point I have to realize that the common denominator here is me. Clearly I am the problem. Clearly I am worthless and it’s time to fucking accept that. His reply was that it’s easy to think that you’re the common denominator when it’s your life but that’s just because you’re stuck in it. Idk man. I don’t think I have just extraordinarily shitty luck. I think it’s just me.

I am worthless. Not shit. To anyone. There are some who have stayed but it’s literally just a matter of time until they leave. It’s inevitable, and I’m tired of trying to pretend it’s not. I’m tired of trying to pretend I’m worth something to anyone. I’m tired of begging people to care about me, family, friends, partners. I’m just tired. So tired. Im tired of being tired.

Fuck my life insurance policy. The majority of the people on it don’t care about me anyway, so fuck it if it doesn’t pay out. It wouldn’t be my problem. Sitting here trying to think of ways that wouldn’t traumatize my roommates, would be guaranteed, relatively pain free, and wouldn’t put anyone else at risk. And then I remember I’m a coward and if I fuck it up then there goes what little I have made of my career, I’d lose my job (not that I’m thriving anyway), I’d probably be permanently damaged in ways that would then make me a burden to my parents.

Maybe I can’t kill myself, but somebody else sure could. I could find somebody abusive and just throw myself into that until one day they take it too far. That’s about what I deserve. And then my policy would pay out and the people I live most would be taken care of, regardless of how their treatment of me makes me feel. Maybe I could do some good in this world. The only good I’ll have ever done but it has to count for something right? Who am I kidding nothing I do counts for anything but I’m crazy and keep doing the same things expecting different results.

It’s funny. The one person who wants to leave me the most, can’t. I wish I could though.

Don’t take this too seriously I’m venting. it’s fine, I’m fine.