#it makes me feel ill to delete them but like... the alternative is posting a link to a fake fundraiser and accidentally having my followers

[theredtours]

.

[pencileraser1]

things i noticed/thoughts about most recent rewatches of dps (plus laserdisk deleted scenes):

whenever theres a group scene i've started watching the characters that the story isn't focusing on to see what they do and i've been having a fun time with that. pitts and cameron specifically seem to almost always be doing something interesting in the background.

hopkins!!!! my favorite minor character who somehow got character development despite having like 2 lines!!!! the last guy to stand on the desk but he did it!!!

sometimes i do like to think about what the rest of the students thought about the dead poets society, esp in alternate timeline neil lives dps keeps meeting universe. like yeah theres this guy in their class whose one of the most credited students in the school and we think he maybe started a cult. idk though. but that group runs out into the woods every few days to do god knows what and one of them keeps talking about "dead poets honor" whatever that means and holy shit welton star student neil perry started a cult.

i watched the movie with headphones. and maybe it's because ive seen this movie Far too many times and mabe i'm listening too hard but it was Really obvious sometimes when audio was added in post production. llke in the sweaty toothed madman scene when you can hear laughing and to be fair the camera is behind their heads. but it does Not look like anyone's laughing. my favorite is at the end of the phone call to chris scene where knox is like i'm gonna seize the day!! and runs up the stairs and the poets are cheering him on and neil is sort of yelling "carpe!!!!" and i could be wrong but i'm like 75% certain that the person singing is Also rsl so now neil is just speaking two times at once somehow. anyways it didn't ruin the experience for me or anything it was maybe just a little bit funny to notice but very sorry if this did ruin anyone's viewing.

people talk a lot about how rsl and ethan hawke really made their characters what they are but i have to add dylan kussman to that list. I get the impression that older versions of the movie didn't really give as much depth to cameron and watching dylan kussmans performance is like. he Knew who his character was so fucking well and it shows!! like the deleted scene of them getting clubs assigned. like i could tell So Much about cameron from that scene

for how little she actually appeared, there is an emphasis put on the fact that neil's mom smokes pretty frequently. and i think that's interesting considering neil is one of two poets shown actively smoking. neil's mom doesn't appear for very long in the movie but during that time it definitely seems like the movie is intentionally making parallels between the two, particularly in the last argument with neil's father. neil and his mother are both sitting for almost the whole time, which contrasts with his father who is standing. they are both almost powerless in this scene. they stand up at almost the same time. anyways there's a couple different possibilities for what this could mean? that i've though of? 1. to show that neil's mother is in a similar situation to the one neil is in in regards to neil's father and 2. maybe a stretch here but the theory that neil inherited his mental illness at least partially from his mother. i'm pretty sure 1 was fully intentional on the directors part, not entirely sure about 2 though

unmanned flying desket scene: it's probably cause he and ethan wrote the scene themselves but the way rsl talks in this scene feels more like the way he talks in general than the rest of the script. like briefly neil perry is talking in rsl's voice. one of my absolute favorite scenes though the sarcastic dialogue is so good.

the light of knowledge at the first shot of the film vs. todd standing on his desk at the last shot of the film paralel

[proshippers-against-censorship]

P-A-C DISCORD:

----------

Just a little bit of housekeeping. Bear with me.

You may call me Jackal. I'm an adult and literally do not give a hoot about what pronouns you use for me. I do not claim to be a good person. If I was a good person, this account would not exist. I am a civil and polite person, though, and I expect you all to be the same. I am a mechatronics major and previously a psychology major. The majority of the information I share here comes from some of the greatest minds to exist on this planet. Perhaps consider heeding it, especially if you have no formal education on the topic.

I do not write nor read most lolicon, incest, or bestiality content. I do not support pedophilia, incest, rape, or bestiality in real life. I do read lolicon of adult women with more youthful bodies, because that content helps me grow confidence in my own body, as I'm constantly mistaken to be a child despite being above the age of 18. I do hope all child-touchers, animal-fuckers, rapists, racists, and anybody else who harms a living thing out of ill get the psychological help that they desperately need. To reiterate, this account is strictly ANTI-CONTACT. You can't control paraphilias but you can control the harm they cause.

I do support the protection of all things fictional, because if we make the things a few people find morally wrong to be illegal, we've then already lost when the folks on top go after fiction supporting LGBT, non-christian religions, etc.

I also support the protection of vent pieces, even if that vent centers around things like pedophilia, rape, etc. I am proud of you for taking yet another step towards healing from abuse you suffered in the past and/or from the harmful paraphilias that you struggle with currently.

This account is built on the notion that any interaction will be productive and good-natured regardless of the involved parties. You are free to give your stance on why proship is bad...so long as you accept the fact that people are then welcome to debate back on why proship isn't bad. Any debates that turn hairy will be ended, however, healthy debate and challenging your beliefs is a wonderful way to continuously educate yourself.

Despite my account, I do not intend on forcing a belief on you. In fact, I greatly support that you look at both anti-proship and proship content, and make the effort to educate yourself as well as possible and determine what belief you truly belong to. There is no good in trapping yourself in an echo chamber.

You are free to submit any points as asks or submissions. So long as they are productive and good-natured, I will post them, regardless of what side they take. If they are not productive or good-natured, they will either be deleted, or I will post them to both clown on you for being an asshole and educate you the best I can on why anti-proship is a rather harmful belief system.

Feel free to draw my attention to any posts I haven't reblogged yet that would fit in to this blog. I'll look them over and reblog them.

Most posts will be reblogs, asks, and submissions. However, I may occasionally post my own thoughts. These will often be tagged with #jackal barks, but sometimes I will forget. Any hate comments will be simply tagged as #hatemail.

I have an alternate account called @proshitters-against-constipation . I use that blog to reblog content from antis and shower it in compliments. Look, it's funny watching them sob because a 'nasty, nasty person' gave them a genuine, heartfelt compliment.

Please just block this blog if uncomfortable with the content. It's very glitchy on my phone, so most of the time, tags are incredibly minimal. I will not hold anything against you for blocking the blog. The whole point is that you are the one responsible for curating your online existence. If you dislike incest ships, block em. Dislike noncon content, block it. Dislike the contents of this blog, block me. You control what you see, just as others control what they see. Curate your feed, don't curate others.

Thank you all for reading this, and remember, if you let them destroy the fiction you find morally despicable, then when they come for what you enjoy and support, you've already lost.

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Ask/submission tagging system!

#pro stance - proshipper asks

#anti stance - antishipper asks

#no stance - asks of indeterminate standing

#birthday wishes - B O R T H

#hate mail - death threats and the like

#jackal barks - I'm Talkin Here!

#jackal pets - my fur babies!

#jackal rpf - rpf of me

#jackal ships - ships of me

#tot 2024 - askbox trick or treat for Oct 2024

#pac fanart - art of The Creature

#translation - transcriptions of images

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If you actually scrolled down this far, have a fun, exciting, and inconclusive list of beings I would be down to smash:

•Stain (MHA)

•Overhaul (MHA)

•EVA-01 (NGE)

•EVA-02 (NGE)

•Xue Yang (MDZS)

•Kurloz Makara (Homestuck)

•Mothman

•Bigfoot

•u1146 (Cells At Work)

•The S.Q.U.i.P. (Be More Chill)

•Moder (The Ritual)

•Michael Myers (Halloween, especially RZ's version)

•Demon Drop (Intamin Freefall, 1st gen)

[inevitably-johnlocked]

Five Fics Friday: July 19/24

Happy Friday everyone!! It's been a long week, so let's settle in cozily and check out these fics on the radar this week! Enjoy!

RECENT MFLs

Responsible Adults by J_Baillier (M, 16,279 w., 9 Ch. || Post-S4, Family, Illness, Suicide, Grieving John, Fatherhood, Injury, Psychological Trauma, Angst, Guilt, Substance Abuse, Major Character Death) – After the events at Musgrave Hall, those affected are trying, and struggling, to move on with their lives. And life is hardly going to stop throwing new challenges at them.

The Scientist's Method by spacemutineer (T, 26,607 w., 7 Ch. || ACD / Granada Holmes Canon || Angst with Happy Ending, Hurt / Comfort, Time Loop, Blood / Injury, Doctor John, Developing Relationship, BAMF John, Temporary Character Death, Guilt, Drug Use / Addiction, Grief / Mourning, Friendship / Love) – Sherlock Holmes has always known the world through the straightforward lenses of evidence, logic, and reasoning. But when Watson is caught in a tragic preventable disaster, his trusted clear lines of reality start to shift and blur, and the scientist detective begins to piece together a grand discovery far beyond even his exceptional imagination. Detection is a way of learning and science is a way of knowing, but as Sherlock Holmes is about to realise, love is a way of understanding.

Tango Between Broken Hearts by curlyjohnlock (E, 38,333+ w., 10/25 Ch. || WiP || Post S4, Slow Romance, Slow Burn, BAMF John, Emotional Hurt / Comfort, Emotional Manipulation, Grief / Mourning, Angst with Happy Ending, Gaslighting, Possessive Behaviour, Unhealthy Relationships, Heartbreak, Flashbacks, POV Alternating, Bearded John, Depression, Drunk John, Hurt John / Sherlock, Denial of Feeling, Miscommunication, PTSD, Drug Addiction / Abuse, Family Drama / Secrets, Christmas, Cuddling / Snuggling, Hand Jobs, Protective Greg, Parenthood) – Fate brought Sherlock and John together, but a terrible incident tore them apart. A decade can feel like an eternity when you're forcibly separated from the person you've been desperately in love with. Now that fate is giving them a second chance, unpleasant memories resurface, and the heartbreak they both share is taking more than just time to heal. Will they be able to overcome the past, or will a higher power keep them forever apart?

RECENT LOKIUS BOOKMARKS

Moribund by sticks_and_souls (T, 2,884 w., 1 Ch. || LOKI SERIES || S2 Deleted Scene, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Time Slipping, First Kiss, Making Out, Kissing, Time Looping, Heavy Angst) – Everyone keeps talking about how in all the infinite replays that Loki did, he would have taken time to make out with Mobius. So I manifested a version of that (with just a wee sprinkling of angst).

only looking for a little peace by RunnyYolk (M, 57,051 w., 5 Ch. || LOKI SERIES || Season 1 Divergence, Alternating POV, Developing Relationship, The Void, Emotional Hurt / Comfort, Loki Variants, Flashbacks, Protective Loki, Protective Mobius, Action/Adventure, Referenced Torture, Canon-Typical Violence, Betrayals, Reunions, Grief/Mourning, Trust Issues, Self-Hatred, Jötunn Loki, Catharsis, Touch Starvation, Mutual Pining, First Kiss, Affection, Implied Sex, Jealous Loki, Love Confessions, Crying, Emotional First Kiss, Emotional Love Making, Arguments Leads to Kiss, Hugs) – "Nothing in politics is 'quite' peaceful." "Well, I did no worse than any of the politicians opposite me, I can assure you." "No, that's true," Mobius concedes. "And you did great, really excelled at the game. You laid all the groundwork to be a very successful president. Maybe you would've turned that into more, after a while." "Perhaps." Part 5 of where the edge began

[fulloflambing]

just yap about my most recent work (how i made it, the alternate plots or endings), and my future posts :D

writing that story took soooo much brain juice from me i feel like my brain has become a wringed sponge. im honestly rlly proud i managed to finish it😭

ive had writing experience before here on tumblr but i never rlly put alot of effort into it and it often made me feel bad about how i finished my stories. i always just thought about a vague plot, typed away, and posted it. some people enjoyed it n i was grateful for that but whenever id reread my own stories it would make me criticize myself and make me unmotivated to write, which eventually made me delete my old writeblr.

but ever since i've come back, and especially with 'heaven can wait', i rlly took my time to rewrite things i didnt find fitting. ive stopped writing just to post, but writing to actually enjoy and better my skills. im honestly proud of myself for taking the time to do that because i am, truthfully, a very impatient person n i hate redoing things. actually, i rewrote the story by like the 3.5k word mark TWICE and made sure i was truly happy with it. the plot was actually supposed to go two ways!:

kinich would find reader in their home, and they could comfort eachother real quick in the house before kinich escorted them to the survival shelter. kinich would then make a promise to reader to come back alive and boom boom fighting wham he comes back to them and boom emotional reunion!

^ i changed my mind halfway while writing this because i wanted the story to have more depth and to make it more about reader and kinich both experiencing grief and negative emotions more. this plotline was just too lovey dovey and chill for my liking.

2. kinich reunites with the reader in the end by finding her dead asleep in the tribe's infirmary.

^ i didnt like this ending because i felt like it would've been a boring climax to the heavy emotions of reader as she was separated from kinich thinking he was dead. does that make sense? like it felt like a boring way to end off y/n's part after building up all these negative thoughts swirling in their mind just for her not to even see kinich come back from war to have those negative thoughts be swooped away from her in a romantic light. it was cute tho, kinich would've been whispering 'im home' as he admired reader as they recovered but i didnt want a calm ending for the story. i wanted a passionate, emotional reunion type :) like very 'light after the storm'-esque type of ending!

some parts of the story i dont like but i feel like is the part i could do for the story was how mavuika defeated the abyss? i CANT WRITE ACTION FOR SHYT!!!! so it took so much deleting and rewriting and paraphrasing it actually got me a headache just to write that small section 😭😭

on a more exciting note, the next thingy ill write is probably for kinich's birthday! im very torn about what ill write and when ill write it because i have exams right after kinichs bday so i dont think ill have time to write for it.

but after i figure out and post a birthday special for kinich, i'll be writing a more angsty, heartbroken-y story kind of related to 'heaven can wait' but if things went wrong. its really not an alternate ending, more of like "if it ended this way, this would've happened." its been a plot thats been marinating in my head for awhile and i think you guys will rlly like it! its gonna be angst with comfort but still sad ending hihi sorry.

i have alot of canon fanfic ideas that i wna write as soon as possible but i feel like i should switch it up and write some modern!au fics. and maybe with other characters (my other favs! capitano, xiao, thoma, etc.). i also feel like i have to prepare a 100 follower special soon but i have nooo idea what to do for it huhu THANK U BTW GUYS FOR 81 FOLLOWERS AAA IM SO TOUCHED

in short, i have a lot and i mean srsly alot of kinich ideas rn but my schedule is gonna be cramped this week. but after ill be free again! my problem is i just dont know what to write first 😔💔

anyway, maybe ill do a poll or something :) ILL SEE WHAT I CAN DO!!

if you've read this far, thank u sm and i appreciate it >< ill do my best to write as much as i can.

[corviiids]

8, 18, 23, and all the other numbers you haven't answered yet

ooohoho really enabling me there thank you very much. answered 23 in the last one! i wont do all of them or this'll get super long but ill put a few more under the cut!!

8. if you had to write a sequel to a fic, you’d write one for…

tbh ive been contemplating a silly oneshot sequel to as you like it but i do have to actually finish the damn thing before i even think about that so ill leave it there.

18. if you keep them, share a deleted sentence or paragraph from a published fic

im actually notoriously bad at killing my darlings so i didn't think i'd have that many deleted scenes, but i did find a few older versions of the makoto&ren scene in chapter 6 of as you like it that i had completely forgotten about. looking back on these i actually still like them

v1.0 of the grounding sequence ren goes through after his nightmares. i think i cut this because it was too long and didn't flow well in context, but im sort of fond of it in isolation:

this was from an alternate version of the scene altogether, where they go to harajuku instead of inokashira so ren can find some featherman merch futaba wanted. i dont like this version as much as the final but i am fond of the extremely long spiralled potato:

then a completely unrelated ren/akc date that i cut because it wasn't doing any work and i didn't think it was fun enough to be kept in:

...

a few more answers for fun (1-5)

writer asks

the last sentence you wrote

i cant remember which line i actually last wrote so here's the last line in current wip

He laughs again. In the silence where Ren tries to re-examine his own complexes, Akechi draws ahead on the wall.

2. a character whose POV you’re currently exploring

ren! i think he's fun because he's the player character and the protags are generally designed to be pretty malleable (or personalityless if you're feeling uncharitable... or wrong) so obviously there's a temptation to just make him whatever your story needs him to be, but i think he's a really tempting and interesting opportunity to really get your claws into a guy who has a personality but refuses to show it and have that be one of his character traits. he's so adaptable to every situation but there are so many moments where his stubbornness and inner values shine through in his limited dialogue, so the challenge becomes like, how do you deduce the rest of a character's hidden personality based on the little they show you? how do you unpack someone whose character is that he wants to be whoever you want him to be? what's going on in his mind? how do you understand him and fill in the gaps in a way that's consistent with what he does in canon when he gives you so little to work with? this is an irresistible challenge to me so he just lives in my brain. he's not even renting he owns the place and he doesnt have a mortgage

3. how you feel about your current WIP

i think palacefic is the project that ignites the most personal passion and excitement in me so im really so excited to finish writing it so i can share it and also so i can read it instead of reading my own chickenscratch notes and think about how excited i am to write it

4. a story idea you haven’t written yet

i keep coming back to circle this idea of postcanon akeshu and how they navigate a relationship (word used free of connotation) where they are constantly circling each other and obviously cant do without each other but also like. are so codependent and not at all functional enough to really have a normal romantic relationship or even friendship. i wrote like a short scene of this which i put on twitter a while back i might actually post it here. and i also started a short fic just to get some thoughts down but never had any plans for how to continue it

5. first sentence of the fifth paragraph of an unpublished WIP

im self conscious about how much of this has been about palacefic, so have a line from my death note longfic instead (i cheated this is like the tenth paragraph because the first paragraph is introductory and none of the lines make sense in isolation or they're too spoilery)

Well, when you eliminate the impossible.

[zaphs-lost-cat]

My blog distilled down to just my originals.

I write sometimes & post excerpts here. Mostly moody stuff about love or mental health.

I also do some calligraphy, like what’s in my header. If you have a request, just send me an ask.

One of my bits of melodrama:

I dream of quiet conversation, the kind that only ventures out when stars hang overhead. Like honey from a jar, we would pour ourselves out, the space between us filling up with something delicate. My lips sweet and sticky with the feeling of being known, I would stay awake with you until the sun scares away the stars and they take our courage with them.

About Me:

Not much to say. Mostly here to connect to scream into the void.

I guess I could include some about me qs. Won't bore you too much, just a few.

Age: Late 20s

Current songs on repeat: Euclid & Aqua Regia by Sleep Token (honorable mention to Rain by them as well) I know they get a lot of heat for being fake metal, and to that I say ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

Hobbies: Reading if my two brain cells agree to hang out with me, writing when I'm moody, & rotting w/ whatever dumb show if I'm braindead.

Career: I'm a programmer. Which is quite the mixed bag. Schedule is flexible tho.

Mental Illnesses: jk lol how wild would it be if I included that

Favorite Books: Stormlight Archive by Brandon Sanderson (the goat)

Favorite Movie: The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy (mostly for the nostalgia. I was obsessed as a teenager)

Toxic Trait: I debated this one a lot and almost deleted it so probably whatever trait makes you create an unprompted about me, add this prompt, & then not be able to decide how to answer it. Oh, and my celebrity crush is Pedro Pascal...and I feel like that says something but idk exactly what.

Pet Peeve: Saying 'neurospicy'. Do you but pls km first.

Hot Take: I'm gonna come back to this one. Literally can't think of anything but I feel like it will come to me in the middle of the night. Or I'll totally forget this is here.

Anyways. That's it. That's more than I thought I was going to do but I have work to do so of course this is suddenly the most important thing ever.

<3 Be safe. Be loved. (Or alternatively, if you're not either, be chaotic & then tell me about it.)

[luetta]

i'm going back to what 16 year old me used to do in full swing i think. type to myself on dead forums. wanna know a story about me? i used to post on that nazi reddit alternative website voat. for years. not anything political, i just made a subreddit that was my username and made posts everyday about how obsessed i was about a girl called rebekah in the grade above me. i never talked to her a single time in my life. she was just pretty. hundreds of posts. eventually randoms on the website found my posts through the new section and started commenting how creepy i was. and then i guess i referred to myself as a waitress and they started thinking i was a girl who had a lesbian crush. of course i did nothing to disavow that notion. and then when i was with my friend finlay in class, i was on a school provided laptop, seeing what the suggested autocomplete web searches for a, b, c, etc were. and when i looked up 'v' it came up with 'voat [my username]. i guess on this laptop sometime before i had searched it up. i begged him not to look it up and deleted it all the moment i got home but he just went on internet archive and essentially held this blackmail over my head for about 3 months. at the end of high school finlay wasnt popualr in our group (there was always someone who was the cyberbullied person of the day in our group.) and i honestly did a fucking asshole thing. i always say that i was nice and just a victim of this mean group but i did this thing, which completely undoes all that. there was a barbeque for the entire grade on a saturday, school organised but essentually our own thing. in the discord finlay was wondering whether to come, lots of us were there already. i said that there was barely anyone here lol. and that was a complete lie. i lied and made him miss this event for no reason other than to dogpile on him. that night everyone was fighting and i chimed in and he told everyone about my voat account and also about how we had accidentally discovered each other in a league of legends erotic roleplay discord server. so yeah that was fun. i refused to talk to him for like 2 years lol. anyways. the point of this is to say. that im gonna start doing that again i think. post a bunch of stream of consciousness text posts of angst and self loathing and envy and hatred. cus i feel like shit and that's my self harm. im too much of a pussy to do anything else when i feel like shit. i just sit on the computer and make myself feel worse. this can be my self therapy. getting my thoughts out instead of letting them fester inside my brain forever. i can't be fucked going to therapy properly. it doesnt help cus idk how to articulate anything properly. ill get asked whats wrong and ill be like. i dont know. and honestly thats barely a lie. i dont fucking know whats wrong with me. i know that there is something wrong with me, but i dont know the reason why ive turned out like this. im just a fucking weirdo i think. i literally thought that i wasnt a creep anymore after transitioning, that i figured it out. but nope. im still a fucking creep, thinking about girls that i know, obsessing about them. urgh. i feel like. i've fucked my transition up. i fucked up the choices that i didn't know were choices and now im someone i don't want to be. i just want to be someone else but thats not possible because the person that i am, currently, isn't someone that can be someone else. i know that you can just change who you are ! you can do new things and stop doing old things. you can be someone else. but i just cant. i try but i just always circle back to this. uninteresting blob of a person. who does nothing except sit in their room and wish they were someone else. an uninteresting blob of envy. that's all i am and will ever be, i feel. and that sucks. i dont want to be that, but there's nothing else i can do about that. im too uninteresting and unadventurous and afraid to reach out and form connections to people that i wanna. cus thats how you change as a person. by being with other people. you slowly give each other parts of yourself

[agent-aromantic]

hello my name is almond/carousel/ferris(alternate or just use almond please) welcome to . hell

dni

proshitters/comshitters dni. also any cntryhuman fans no exceptions

info

Used to be my capchat/langueposting blog but i am currently fixated on the agents,,,, new blog theme lets GOO🎉🎉

i hc agent olive to be a butch woman who uses she/they and itmakes me happy if you use my pronoun hcs for them on this blog but if u dont thats fine too 👍 i wont be upset

me

main blog is @walnutcookie + more info about me there :]

im a silly guy. He/him white queer (i wonder if this guy is aromantic) minor adhd band kid !!!

no tag system, tell me if u need smth tagged though!! i dont bite!

asks

i love getting asks on this blog pleaase send me your art/hcs about jjajang/olive as many as you want im not kidding i love them so mch . also if you ask me questions about them like my own hcs i will kiss you on the lips you are my new favorite person... i tend to be very energetic and over the top when i answer asks

i loooove being tagged in posts abt them, I might not always see them or it might take me like a month to see it because ive been cursed wirh Adhd GVDJFBF i apprecicate it anyways though!!! it makes me very happy :]

please dont tag me in tag games/chains/etc they stress me out

boundaries

do not send me nsfw/suggestive asks PLEASE it is a major discomfort i am a minor and very sex repulsed but especially if its about my faves it makes me feel uncomfortable and will result in a block if you step too far. I think it goes without saying that i hc both jjajang and olive as arospec but asks about romance are still fine, aromanticism is very nuanced and different for every person!!! <- aro person in a romantic relationship

i probably wont talk much about off topic stuff here so if you send me asks abt stuff it may be short . try sending it to @walnutcookie instead

i do occasionally vent on this blog but its usually very vague and ill likely delete it later. again lmk if you need something tagged

[flintbian]

Aghhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!

[meltwonu]

11. “I didn’t know you were so sensitive.”

14. “Are you sure? Once we start, i might not be able to stop.”

78. “I don’t care what you do just fuck me.”

notes; paparazzi!minghao, dom!minghao, idol!reader, blackmailing??/humiliation!kink, dirty talk, sloppy seconds, degradation, name-calling, taking of sexual photos! booty rockin’ cowgirl come into my barn 🤠 kjhdkshf okay but,,,, 😗 had some mental images about this one cuz I'm ill and u know... u know kdjfksdfh minghao with a camera is dangerous is all I'm gonna say HAHAHAHA As always, thank you so much for requesting! Enjoy! 💕

*queued post.

“D–delete it!”

You whisper harshly, hands balled up into Minghao’s button up shirt as he smirks down at you.

“Should I? Isn’t this the fifth time already? I told you I wouldn’t go easy on you after the third time, right? He must fuck you good if you’re risking being on the front of the papers like this, babe~”

“S–shut up and just delete the–the picture, Minghao!”

The way he laughs in a mocking manner has you whimpering - Jun’s cum soaking into your panties as you push Minghao harder against the brick wall of the building you’d just exited not too long ago.

Minghao was the only paparazzi that seemed to know every one of your moves; from scheduled events to your not-so-secret hookups with Jun, another idol, Minghao was at every single one of them catching your flattering and not so flattering moments.

“Ah, hmm… We managed to work out a deal the last time this happened… What do you say, huh? I could delete it for you if we worked something out~”

The flustered look on your face makes you glad the two of you were shrouded in darkness to begin with – lips swollen with how much you’d been biting them in the last 20 minutes.

“F-fine�� B-but not o-out here....”

Minghao grins; hands grasping yours as he tugs you closer to himself.

“Are you sure? Once we start, I might not be able to stop.”

“I–I don’t care what you do, just fuck m-me like you want to…”

“Oh? Or is it how you want me to, baby~?”

“A–ah, Minghao…!”

The sound of the camera shutter goes off as you ride his cock; his sultry chuckles and low groans only making you clench harder around his thick girth.

“So pretty like this, baby~ Look at all that cum dripping out of your pussy every time you sink down onto me… Such a filthy ‘lil cumslut letting me fuck you after you’ve already had someone else’s cock inside this pretty ‘lil cunt~”

“Ngh, s-shut up…” You let out a moan when the head of his cock taps your g-spot; hands braced on his chest as you chase your pleasure for a second time that night.

“You seem to only get wetter when I talk to you though, baby~ Don’t worry, I know how wet your ‘lil pussy gets when I talk to you… Do they do it for you too? Or are they just a quick fuck, hmm?”

Your eyes roll to the back of your head when Minghao’s warm hands start to squeeze your waist; his hips slowly thrusting up to meet your pace as you whine and whimper above him.

“I can feel your body trembling… I didn’t know you were so sensitive~ Or is it just because you’ve already had your fun tonight? Your pretty body is already feeling so good, isn’t it?”

“Y–yes! Fuck yes, mmnh, p-please… Fuck, why is your cock suh–so good…!”

You cry out; alternating between swiveling your hips and bouncing atop his lap as he grins up at you.

This happened more often than you’d liked to have admitted but Minghao happened to satisfy you in a way that you couldn’t describe - time and time again.

“Just what you want, huh? A big, thick cock to satisfy that needy, slutty ‘lil hole of yours, hmm? Just wanting to get your cunt pounded by someone like me, don’t you?”

“N–ngh... G–god... Yes...” You whimper.

“Everyone loves your innocent idol image - your soft ‘lil giggles and winks at the camera but this is what you really like, right, baby? Getting filled up all night long~ Crying out and begging for more ‘til you’re full of cock and cum~”

Your thighs start to shake; the pleasure building up at a breakneck speed with Minghao’s filthy words only urging you closer and closer to the edge.

But it only takes a few seconds for the air to be knocked out of your lungs - the ceiling suddenly your view before Minghao is hovering above you with his cunning eyes and wide smirk.

“Tonight, it’s my turn though, baby~ I think you deserve a punishment for not behaving better and I think we both have the time, don’t we?”

Your mouth opens in a silent moan and your back arches off of the bed; toes curling behind his back when as he spreads your legs further apart. 

“Y–yes, fuh–fuck, please...!”

[technowoah]

Cant Handle This

Quackity's facade keeps breaking, and he tries to keep the pieces together. You're the only one who can make him show his true self

- Quackity x gen neutral reader

- this is a long one yall.

Now playing...

Can't Handle This (Kanye Rant)

Bo Burnham

0:01 ─●──────── 3:29

⚠︎ swearing, angst, mentions of mcyttwt, based on the song above, and ofc its not proofread

Part of my Inside Special!

Quackity sat in his chair currently streaming right now, he seemed like he was having a good time from your spot on his bed. You were currently laying on his bed after he invited you here to relax.

You two had laid in his bed just enjoying eachothers company until he got a call from Tommy saying he was ready for the lore stream which sent Alex into a frenzy. Alex sent out a quick "Im sorry" about the lateness of his stream and then quickly set everything up.

He then started to stream which left you alone on the the bed to your own devices. You were scrolling through Twitter looking at Alex's fans talk about what's happening on the stream and posting screenshots of his character and himself.

You admired him from afar as he ended the lore part of his stream, he took time to type on his phone to text you that he decided to stream longer to talk to his fans. He looked to you and you have him a nod with a smile and he gave one back.

"Hey guys! That's the end of the lore!" He exclaimed to his chat as he types at his computer setting a new background.

You continued to listen to him praise his chat for supporting him and making him be able to make those types of streams. You were always proud of Alex no matter what he did, you were always his number one supporter no matter what happened in reality or on the internet.

"So anyways! I wanted to talk to you guys! How are you all?" He smiled at his camera looking back and forth from his chat.

◇T0mm71nn1t: THE STREAM WAS SO GOOD QUACKITY

"Oh thank you! Im glad I could share this with you. It takes so much to put into these movite type streams, so I know now it is all worth it."

Quackity's pov. . .

He felt so overwhelmed, he shouldn't have began to stream again. The stress of putting everything together, plus being late to the stream made him rush into it more. He just wanted to lay back down with his lover who was enjoying watching him stream, and that's the goal he wants. His goal was to entertain, it was his job and he doesn't want to fail, he doesn't want to crack.

◇Mayatooni3: WE LOVE YOU QUACKITY

◇catiiequak: QUACKITY ITS MY BIRTHDAY CAN I GET A HAPPY BIRTHDAY??

◇yriaaolic: 💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜

"Happy Birthday!" He said seeing the comment pass in a second. "Happy Birthday to anyone who's Birthday it is today."

Right now it was hard. It was hard to keep up when there was always a constant demand, the constant need to be perfect, his past being brought up, and trying to one-up his content everytime. He loved this, but at the same time it had the same weight as a job.

In the back of his mind he knew the "When is Quackity streaming???" is mostly lighthearted, he never wants to leave.

"Quack are you okay? Im fine! Just thinking about how to get something to eat at 2am." He laughed lying to his fans, he wanted to stop this stream.

He kept looking over to his lover lying their head on his pillow scrolling through their phone and alternating their vision from him and their phone. He always caught a glimpse of their small smile everytime he looked. He was doing something right.

"Do yall think Taco Bell is open? The only problem I have is that Im fucking starving."

He paused for a moment taking a deep breath trying to keep his emotions down. The stress was getting to him, and he fucking knew it, but he didnt stop. He was going to get burnt out eventually and stop streaming and YouTube all together, but he needed this. He needed a break, he needed to take time for himself and stop putting on a happy face when he isnt.

TTS ◇pulixsaxe: "Did you see what was happening on Twitter quackity?"

"Wait what's happening on Twitter?" He asked with a weary laugh.

I can sit here and pretend like my biggest problems are

Pringle cans, and burritos

The truth is, my biggest problem's you,

Your eyes widened as he mentioned Twitter. Truth be told he was trending because of his stream, yes, but also they brung up stuff from his past again in the wake of another content creator's past or present being brought up. You hadn't paid attention to that, you were only getting fueled up from Twitter bringing up an issue that he already had addressed.

Tempted to speak and tell him its fine, he already spoke up before you.

"I bet it's fine! I dont wanna... I don't need to look." He said with a smile. He always had that smile on.

Either it was a full smile or a half smile. It never left his face and it comforted you somehow. Maybe it was that you were his significant other, but you always wondered if anyone saw the same things as you. The things like his smile that never left his face.

"Yeah! I dont need to look at that." He waved his hand dismissing the comment away. He then sighed letting his shoulders relax as you saw his smile fade and his eyes close for a second and immediately put that small smile back on his face while his eyes were glossy, but bright.

He needed to end this stream soon. You saw his face fall then in a split second come back to life except his eyes were glossy with tears. You wondered if anyone else noticed.

"I want to please you

But I want to stay true to myself

I want to give you the night out that you deserve"

His eyes tearful as he tried to blink them away trying to not make a scene.

"Sorry! Allergies ugh!" He said as he wiped his tears away claiming them as allergies.

"Are you crying? No! Im not a pussy!" He yelled at his chat in a joking manner.

He was crying and he felt weak. He felt emotionally weak, and weak as in not strong, he didn't feel strong and his lover who was sitting on his bed with a concerned look on their face always told him that it's okay to feel weak. The only meaningful thing is how you pick yourself up, they always told him, bur now he felt at rock bottom.

He wanted to give his fans "himself", the goofy, lovable, loud, quick-witted, Quackity. But then again his lover always told him to separate Quackity from Alex. He wanted to give himself to his audience, he wanted to be authentic and share himself, but he cant. Alex isn't all laughs, he is serious, calmer, and when he gets on the screen is when he lets it all out then goes back to his more calmer self. That's not what they want.

"But I want to say what I think

And not care what you think about it"

Giving himself meant dialing back, he wants to tell how hes actually feeling, he wants to say what he thinks about Twitter, what he thinks about certain friends, about his fanbase, and then leave it alone. He wanted to delete social media and then speak his mind without knowing what anyone is saying about it. It was paradise to him, but of course it cant be that way and that's what he hates. He feels like a actor when he really wants to be himself.

"A part of me loves you,"

Alex loved his fanbase, he had such a supportive fanbase that loved his content. Some of them did atleast he didn't fully know, but they gave him the courage to do this time and time again knowing that his content is at least taking them from the harsh reality of real life for a few minutes or hours. This was the reason he did this, for them.

Alex would never admit this but they boosted his ego too, it would for anyone. The fact that there were people who wanted and enjoyed content from him made him feel good about himself.

"part of me hates you"

He hated the contant criticisms, he hates that they feed his ego so much that it makes him want to stream more to feel good about himself and to make people get away for awhile. Alex knew inside of his heart he couldn't truly hate his fanbase, they gave him everything he ever wanted. He hates them for that and that's such a scary thing. He never fails to wonder if he did the things to deserve all the love and hate he gets.

"Part of me needs you,"

They feed his ego, they make him want to go above and beyond. Alex knows that his fanbase is the reason he is here in this chair infront of three expensive monitors. He knows that this is some sort of a job that he needed. He needed the push to keep going and that was them, it was the 200k people watching his stream watching him answer questions about him and

"part of me fears you"

He was fearful of loosing himself to them. Loosing his authenticity to them was something he feared. He didnt want his funny, loud persona to consume him and make him forget about Alex instead of Quackity. He fears what they think as well, he claims he doesnt care, but he does he wants to please them. It feels like two parts of his brain fighting about if he should care or not.

"And I don't think that I can handle this right now"

The text-to-speech bot continued to speak out people's comments that theu paid for while he sat there quietly. He bit his bottom lip trying to not break down infront of everyone he needed to be strong. He needed to be strong.

If he looked up at the camera everyone would see his tears, they would see him breaking.

He played it off as he brough his shirt up to wipe the tears away, claiming it as sweat.

"Im good! Im sorry I spaced out for a second." He shook his head.

He saw you look at him with that same concerned look on your face. As he switched his gaze between you and his computer, he felt his tears come back again.

"I don't think that I can handle this right-"

"Alex." You tried to get his attention.

"Yeah guys Im fine!"

"Alex"

"I don't think that I can handle this right-"

"I have plans later for another lore stream, so Ill start doing that later tonight."

"ALEX!" You yelled and his head turned around to face you.

"What?" He laughed, biting his lip again.

You couldn't stop him doing this, you could try to course him into going to bed, but right now you couldn't find the words. You just stared at him while he looked at you with a somber smile trying to tell you that he was okay.

He felt his mind telling himself that he need to rest. He wouldnt allow himself to and thats why he was breaking down.

"I don't think that I can handle this right-"

Alex was blinking rapidly trying to keep his breathing and tears at bay while he answered his fans.

"My allergies are fine! And I drank water today."

◇moonchild21: WE LOVE YOU

◇sopusand: Why do you look like that?

◇wuackityoo: are you crying??

"Crying is for the weak! I am a strong manly man! Im crying cause I noticed how alpha I am!" He tried to play it off as a "Im a man" joke but you could see right through it.

"I don't think that I can handle this right-"

"I don't think that I can handle this right-"

You had sent a quick text to Alex which told him to end the stream for his own mental health, but he left the message unread. He began sniffing and the wiping his eyes again. It was a wreck and you couldn't seem to stop it without literally dragging him out of his chair.

Meanwhile the screens were getting to Alex. Alex's eyes were getting tired of the bright screens and the rapid messages that popped up on the screen overwhelmed him for what it seemed like the first time ever in his strraming career. He wanted to give them the fun night they deserved and wanted, but he knows it's getting hard to. He dosent know how long he can keep this up.

As Alex kept joking around about his eyes and physical state the chat was filled with "LMAO" and "HAHAHA" which fuled him more and then at the same time makes him want to stop.

Look at them, they're just staring at me, like

"Come and watch the skinny kid with a

Steadily declining mental health, and laugh as he attempts

To give you what he cannot give himself"

He cannot give himself the luxury of happiness. As he went on with his career it became more and more like a chore, there was mostly down days and of course there were up days, but recently Alex gave his fans the happiness and laughes they wanted while when he turned off the camera he couldn't replicate that same energy as he had before.

It messed him up, he felt himself become separated from his streaming. He wasn't being himself anymore he was being Quackity and that became more apparent as the days passed. He wanted to be himself on camera and at first thats what he thought he was doing. He was himself then it turned into a persona.

Alex wasn't okay and he he needed to take a break from the internet for a while, but he tries to act like he dosent have a dilemma going on inside of his head everytime he sits in this seat. Its for the fans.

"Think that I can handle this right-

I don't think that I can handle this right-

They don't even know the half of this right-

They don't even know the half of it"

"Alex you need to end the stream. Please?"

He looked towards you again where you moved your position from the middle of the bed to sitting up on the end of the bed.

"Ive told you millions of times." He paused for a moment looking down at his lap before looking back up to you. "Im-Im okay." He nodded trying to convince you.

"But I know I'm not a doctor, I'm a pussy, I put on a silly show

I should probably just shut up and do my job, so here I go"

"Cant you belive them!" He laughed to his camera. You scoffed at his comment but still kept an eye on him as he talked.

You didnt need to baby him at all, but right now you were worried about your lover.

Alex continued talking and talking, which you drowned out. You were focused on his face and how he faltered time to time just showing a small frown.

He laughed and showed them a good time even though he was hurting. He kept going and going and you were convinced he was going to hold out until you heard him sniff multiple times while trying to make a joke about the new Minecraft update and how the glow squid has no use.

"Stupid ass squid! Why- why? Its no use expect for glowing ink. Who voted for that!?"

You can tell them anything if you just make it funny, make it rhyme

And if they still don't understand you, then you run it one more time

"Dumbass squid!" He pulled up a picture if the squid as he yelled at it.

You began to worry even more as you saw tears running down his face. He quickly tried to wipe them away, but he knew everyone saw.

Handle this right

You don't even know the half of this right now

Right now (Haa!)

Now

Handle this right

I'll handle this right, I handle this right now

Alex leaned back in his seat and had a blank stare towards the monitor. Looked down for a second and then you heard sobbing coming from his spot. Alex had his head in his hands and was crying harshly into them.

He had finally broken, he couldn't stop the tears from coming and the loud sobs that came from his mouth. He was trying to desperately breathe in to be able to sob, but ended up hiccuping while doing so.

Your eyes widened as you rushed to him resting your hand on his knees and you kneeling infront of him.

"I cant do fu-fucking anything!" He yelled into his hands.

"Hey! I know. Its okay." You tried to console him.

"Its not I try so hard! And I-"

You cut him off. "You are a hard worker Alex and you deserve a week or two off. Take care of you self babe." You stood up bringing his hand with you and trying to make him stand up. He followed your movements and stood up with you putting his head on your shoulder crying into it.

"I just ca-cant right now!"

"You dont have to do anything right now babe."

"Im sorry!" Alex sobbed.

"Dont be." You said bluntly trying to get your lover to calm down.

You rubbed his back soothingly as he sniffled into your shoulder. "Im sorry for ruining your shirt." He tried to laugh through his tears.

"Dont be sorry! Please. You just need rest okay?" You kissed his forehead and he nodded in response.

Alex raised his head up an started to pepper kisses all over your face as you laughed. He gave you one last peck on the lips as he walked away to quickly change into night clothes. You smiled as he laid underneath the covers and continued to softly cry into his sheets. At least he was in bed and not makijg himself even worse.

He couldn't stop the tears from flowing, it was like a flood that could only be stopped with time. He felt like a boulder was lifted off his shoulders only to be replaced with smaller rocks. The smaller rocks was the guilt he held. He felt guilty of making his lover worry about him, he didnt want you to worry.

You rushed over to his desk and turned off the stream and his computers not even bothering to give them a goodnight or goodbye. After the computer lights were turned off it was quite dark in the room except for small light.

Finally you were where you wanted to be all day, in bed with Alex. But this wasnt the predicament you wanted.

"Forgive me. I just cant do shit right can I?" His eyes were still full of tears and he was getting tired.

"Alex dont listen to anyone but yourself." You tried to console him.

"That's what I'm telling myself."

Silence filled the room as you looked at him through tearful eyes of your own.

"Alex, you're so amazing and I cant even tell you how much I appreciate you, and how much you change my life. You do so much shit right its scary sometimes. Some days I think you're perfect, but there's-"

"There's no such thing as perfect." Alex finished your sentence.

"Exactly! Even the best people have their downfalls, they just dont show it. And Alex I know you struggle with that! All I can say is that I love you for you." You finished.

"Can I talk to you about my dilemmas?" He tried to laugh again.

"Tomorrow we can talk. We both need the rest." You said to him as he closed his eyes and nodded in response. He gave you a kiss on you lips before laying back down to sleep.

"Thank you."

"Thank you

Good night

I hope you're happy"

TRENDING

ARE YOU OKAY

10.1k tweets

QUACKITY

20k tweets

ARE YOU OKAY QUACKITY?

13.7k tweets

[astorinx-writes]

I’ve Written A Lot of Fan Fiction… And I’m Here To Talk About Them

Something I’ve found out about myself over the years, is that I’m quite the jack of all trades. From design, to video making— I feel like I’ve done it all! But one thing is for sure: no matter what, writing is something I can always fall back on. For as long as I can remember, regardless of what I was primarily interested in, I always had writing in the background as a sort of unbeknownst craft, lurking and waiting for its opportunity to shine. So, is it really a surprise then that I’ve been writing fan fiction for pretty much as long as I’ve been an Astro Boy fan? Personally, I’d say no. But regardless— I thought today we would take a look into my fan fiction writing history. See what I wrote in the past, what’s available to read now, what you may be able to read in the future, and what might never see the light of day.

As usual, I gotta hit you with a disclaimer. For those that don’t know, I do have a bit of a spotty memory, so this may not be as all encompassing as it could be. Also, a lot of the works I wrote were when I was a minor. Though, this doesn’t absolve me from having written anything unsavory. I take full responsibility, and I do try my best as an adult now to put my best foot forward. I have a duty to do right by the community and not be a weirdo posting offensive and/or inappropriate stuff.

It’s All In The Past Now

To start, let’s discuss the fan fictions that I have written, but are no longer accessible (for the most part). I’d like to consider these fics gone with the wind, so to speak, and I have no intention of rebooting them in any fashion. These fics are basically dead, and expected to stay that way.

Vivid Insomnia

Probably my biggest undertaking, and what might’ve been my crowned jewel if I was still delusional and thought it was great. Vivid Insomnia was actually not (for the most part) done by me alone. Sure, it did originally start around 2012-2013 with me writing the (technically) first story, “Zoran vs. Uran”, but Vivid Insomnia would’ve not been what it was if it weren’t for the collaborative efforts of both me and my (now) partner. I think what made VI so special to me was how it really felt like an alternative universe, despite not being one at all. Also, the plethora of original characters! There was so much to chew over and get lost in, even though looking back, there were so many plot holes, it was astounding! The quality of said fics also left a lot to be desired. Certainly when I was younger, I was practically parading this series around like it was an MLM sales pitch, but nowadays, my motto is usually “Don’t read it. You don’t hate yourself that much, I promise.”

But what was Vivid Insomnia? Well, to be honest… neither of us really knew.

I mean, in technical terms, it was a fan fic series (something akin to a novel series). But in terms of actual overarching plot, it was quite unclear. When we made the (now deleted) Tumblr blog for the series, we billed it as a series revolving “Astro’s road to recovery” and when I began the rewriting process with “Zoran”, I did make it a point to focus a bit on Astro’s mental struggles. However, where it gets lost, is in its obvious attempt at being slice of life. It’s hard to say what exactly a series is when you have a million things going on at once.

First you got O’shay being a total ass, then you have Astro being mentally ill, and then he gets a girlfriend, and then his girlfriend starts going through shit because she has an abusive mom. Then Astro gets cloned, then the robot Tenma made and shipped off to O’shay out of jealousy decides to [REDACTED] herself, so now Astro hates his clone because it was supposed to be him not her that got dismantled once the experiment was over.

Honestly, trying to explain the plot of VI to literally anyone would be so difficult and convoluted, you’d have no choice but to think it was totally batshit wild. Not to mention the OC plot lines; you have Quinn who already has quite the story line going back as far as when Tenma worked at The Ministry, then there’s Stephen and his… interesting mom. We already talked about Astro’s GF Brianna, but she’s quite the basket-case. Oh, and the self inserts! The self inserts!!!

So, why did it go away? Well, it wasn’t just because it was bad. In fact, I even had plans to rewrite the whole thing and improve it! But the issue lies in the fact that I don’t think there was much I could’ve done, knowing what I know now, to improve upon it in a relevant time frame. You see, not only was the series plagued by so much convolution, but it was also… a bit problematic.

For starters, the amount of toilet and adult humor had no business existing there in the first place. Maybe I did find it funny back then, but I think now as an adult all I can do is cringe and seriously wonder why no one thought to pull me aside and tell me to knock it off. Of course, I can’t go back and change what I did, time travel isn’t a thing. But what I can do, is own up to what I did and make a commitment to be vastly cleaner with my jokes.

I think through looking back at VI, I’ve become a lot more stringent with what I write and consume. And sure, some may say I’ve become a bit prudish as a result, but I think I owe it to myself, and the audience I have to, as I mentioned earlier, not be a weirdo.

Secondly, I think the psychology knowledge and better understanding of mental health that I have now makes what I had written before leave a bit of a sour taste in my mouth. You see, when I wrote VI, I had practically no knowledge of mental health— I wasn’t even fully sure of what I had going on personally. So, I suppose it’s congruent for me to have written something a bit on the fearmongering/distasteful side. But again, I’m not absolved of the repercussions of my actions, nor of the responsibility to apologize for it. To the mental health community, therapy is not a sin or something to fear, and I’m profoundly sorry that I portrayed it as such. Especially given the audience I had while VI was in the works, it was erroneous and borderline malicious, and for that, again, I am sorry. As I’ve learned so much more, I know now that my works shouldn’t demonize the tools we have at our disposal.

That wasn’t the only reason it went away, however. Apart from the harsh truth that it probably wouldn’t have been till I was 30 that the series would’ve been finished, I realized midway through working on my secret project, that if I wanted to write about the “general” premise of what VI “supposedly” was about, I’d have to start completely from the ground up. Now, I don’t want to get too deep into this point because I want to save it for when I mention my “secret project,” so all you need to know is that I found something better, and I’m willing to make peace with VI as a result.

The Love Trilogy

Picture this: it’s 2016, you just left Google+ for Tumblr because you thought being able to customize the way your desktop blog looked was cool, and you find out there’s an actual community dedicated to this show you like! In true Sage fashion, my initial thought was, “I gotta let these people know I write fan fiction!” But I wasn’t just going to make an AD post about Vivid Insomnia, I had to make something original! So, I did, in the form of Painting With.

Painting With (yes, named after the Animal Collective album of the same name), for those who don’t know, was a (very) short one-shot about Astro and Reno. Basically (if I remember correctly), Reno gets asked by The Ministry to either paint a mural, or put up a billboard, something like that, and brings Astro along for the ride. Now before Painting With, I was of course a big Astro x (my OC) Brianna shipper, naturally because of VI. But during this time, despite me not remembering much, I do know this is when I started to shift and practically became an Astro x Reno (AKA “Retro”) shipper overnight. Painting With was basically my first foray into writing Retro fan fics, and if you know me in any capacity now, you know it would not be my last.

So Painting With gets good feedback! And so, I decided to come back with another fic, Escape The Dinner Party. Not intended to be a sequel, but after I wrote the next fic, Dream Sequence, it was pretty apparent at that point that I was onto something.

In comes The Love Trilogy, a name I gave the series of fan fics I had written so far, and would continue to write for quite some time. Basically, the entire plot surrounded Astro and Reno deciding to leave, fearing oppression. Now, what it actually ended up being was more like “Reno takes a 2-week vacation from work and Astro tags along,” despite it originally being billed as a runaway fic. TLT I’d say was a (small) step-up from VI quality wise, but it was definitely plagued by being dialogue heavy, to the point where there was certainly more being said, then there was being done. In my defense, I hadn’t read a single book in forever, so knowing how to structure a paragraph was not my forte, but at least it didn’t have original characters up the wazoo or jokes better suited for something like “Rick and Morty”.

Where it did fall short, however, is in its portrayal of O’shay. I’ll admit it: I hadn’t seen the 2003 series in quite some time, and I think it did play a role in how I thought O’shay was character wise. So, no, making him essentially a baddie in both VI and TLT was not “accidental” technically speaking, but obviously now I know he’s not a raging queerphobe and total ass with no regard towards his kid's mental health because he thinks it’ll make him look bad.

There’s also something to be said about writing something queer and making it trauma based. I think now when I look back, I can see where my past self was coming from, but I could’ve honestly done without the trauma plot and maybe have made it a bit… cuter, I suppose? I mean, they’re going on vacation! There was so much I could’ve done with that, and the whole “dream sequence” thing that happened too could’ve been the dash of spice I needed to add angst to the series! But I digress…

After writing arc 1 (it’s hard to explain, but basically, I wrote 10 fics and lumped them together like TV episodes in a season) I went on to write arc 2. That one was arguably much slower in terms of release, but it at least didn’t deal so much with O’shay. Instead, Astro gets some unexplained bug that Reno has to fix. It reminds me a bit of “Astro Reborn” from the 03 series, except (spoiler alert) Reno doesn’t take Astro to Tenma, and manages to fix it on his own. I did plan to work on arc 3, a prequel arc meant to explain how Astro and Reno started dating in the first place, but at that point I was bored with the series, and I needed a change of pace. So with that, and another reason I’ll get into later, the series got the ax.

No matter what, though, TLT will always hold a special place in my heart. Not so much because of the material itself, but the way it broke down barriers for me. You see, at the time, I wasn’t working on anything else but VI with my partner, and it was starting to get to the point where I was afraid of working on anything solo. What if I wouldn’t finish it? What if it didn’t come out as great? So many questions, it really got in the way of me being able to write. Now, I unfortunately am not a “words” person (let it be known I’d be in a much better place if all it took was for me to hear the right words or work through my issues logically), it takes experience for things to actually click and internalize.

So TLT was just that! It was an experience that significantly boosted my confidence in being able to write solo. But most importantly, it made me give less of a shit! Nowadays, I just see writing stuff like fan fictions as just… something. If I go weeks without a fan fic update, or never finish a certain fic, who cares! It’s this sort of “fuck it” attitude that’s been honestly quite freeing. In fact, I kind of now find my old mentality/opinion to be a little silly, but I do understand where past Sage was coming from.

A Gift Wrapped Present… For The Present!

Now, we’ve gone over what once was, but what about the now? What’s fully out there and available for you to sink your teeth into? Whether these fics are finished or not doesn’t determine its status being a part of this section. If you can read it on fanfiction (dot) net or ao3, then it’ll be here.

Tales From The Laboratory

After working on The Love Trilogy for so long, I was starting to get a little bored with it. For starters, I was coming to realize my portrayal of O’shay was flawed in more ways than one. And I also just wanted a fresh start, no more worrying about fanon rules set up in the series that I had to follow, also no more fics where the plot boiled down to Retro in their lab together just shooting the shit and getting sappy. It was okay once, but it gets boring rather quickly. So, because of this (and the other reasons I mentioned earlier) I gave TLT the ax, and went on a sort of hiatus as far as writing Retro fics goes. Eventually, though, I wanted to get back into it, but again not in the TLT universe, or even for TLT. So, I decided to start something new!

Tales From The Laboratory, as the name implies, is essentially a collection of one-shots (fandom speak for “short story”). Every story is about Retro, and even for the most part, has Astro and Reno as the sole characters in the fic. For the most part, they don’t intersect or belong to a linear plot line (except for Going Further Away, which we will talk about soon), and some may or may not be AUs.

Technically, this series is ongoing, but I can stop it at any time since again there’s no main plot to be had, so there’s nothing really to be resolved. What has been cancelled, however, is Going Further Away. This was sort of a “series within a series” if you will, with installments that were meant to be peppered into the “normal” one-shots being posted. Sort of like a “oh, let’s check back in on what they’re doing!” scenario. Why it’s being pulled is pretty much similar to why TLT is done. I just don’t think the series is necessary, and to be quite honest, it reads more like a fic I’d write just for myself and have for keeps. The plot is basically similar to TLT, so there’s the “queer trauma” element as well, and it just overall doesn’t pique my interest as something I’d be publicly posting about.

Other than that, though, TFTL is still growing strong, and I actually just posted a new fic, Is It True (yes, named after the Tame Impala song). My next one, Dancing With You (named after the Jane Inc song) is slated to come soon, and will hopefully be the start of a sort of miniseries where I write fics based off songs in Retro’s Spotify playlist.

Buzzcut Season

I guess this is technically named after the song by Lorde, but I wouldn’t say it was intentional (unlike the ones in the past that were intentional). My idea was simple: each “fic” (or rather one-shot if I’m being honest) would surround a character with something they need to overcome. Originally, I intended to write more after just the 3 chapters that are up, but after stewing on it and losing interest, I decided to cut it to just those three.

There’s not really much else to say, except a funny IRL anecdote that I hope at least (1) person finds funny. I am quite the lazy person, and I also don’t like writing stuff that isn’t at least remotely AB related. So, when I was assigned to write a short story for my junior year English class, I basically ripped myself off and slightly modified one of the chapters to use for the assignment. I (obviously) got caught, but I never contested it because I wasn’t about to admit to my English teacher I write fan fiction. So, I took the L and lived with the shame. Take it from me, buds: don’t plagiarize, not even yourself!

Little Effort, Big Adventure

One of my favorite episodes from the 2003 series has got to be “Lost In Outland”. So naturally, I would make a fan fiction (vaguely) inspired by it. And by vaguely, I mean not at all related, but I do remember wanting to make this after having seen LIO, so perhaps there is a connection… somehow. My idea was simple: a light on plot, silly little story where Astro travels by train (for some reason) to various towns and cities to see how the locals live. I based it on this idea that Astro doesn’t really leave Metro City much, but has always wondered about other places nearby, so they work out a plan with O’shay to make it all happen.

The funny thing about this fic is probably the fact that I was so consistent with it. I had a bi-weekly schedule (AKA 1 new chapter every other week) that I did follow through with for a while. Why did I stop? Well, at the time, I wanted to rewrite Vivid Insomnia, and I had technically already begun that process with writing Zoran, but it was far from finished, and NaNoWriMo was coming up, so I thought that would be a perfect opportunity to finish it up. Now of course looking back, I (and probably you too) could see why that was a stupid decision, since VI got cancelled in the end. But I guess it’s just something I have to make peace with. And I was happy with what I made for Zoran anyway, so I suppose I shouldn’t be too bitter.

As it stands right now, the fic is pretty much in development hell because I have so many other things (even outside of fan fictions) to work on. Perhaps maybe one day I’ll get the spark to keep working on it and finish what I started, but for now, it’s basically in limbo.

One Shots (And Boy Are There Many)

This one is basically an amalgamation of all one-shots I have at the moment. Obviously, these are all finished, and you can find them on fanfiction (dot )net and ao3!

First, let’s start with Parental, this has got to be my most popular one shot out of all of them for sure. Fun fact: I actually got my partner to help me write this one! Back when we wrote Vivid Insomnia, she used to write the lines for Tenma. So, when it came time to write him, I knew just whom to call. And I gotta say, while this fic is a little rough around the edges, and certainly has some stuff I would change if I could write it all over again, I totally get why this is as popular as it is. Without spoiling the story, basically Astro decides to pay Tenma a visit during the winter time to see if he’s okay, and that’s all I can say.

Second, we have My Dad Eats Collard Greens For Breakfast. Sort of an “unofficial” sequel to Parental, I originally came up with the fic title way before knowing what the plot was going to be. I was basically shopping it around and seeing what fic ideas the title would best suit. Eventually, I decided on a fic where Astro visits Tenma again. But this time it cuts right to the chase, wherein Astro’s already there. Now again, no spoilers, so I can’t say what happens while they’re there— you’ll have to read it to find out.

Finally, there’s Pronouns. You ever get so pissed off at dumb people sliding into your asks and saying the stupidest things, you decide to write a fan fiction as retaliation? No? Just me? Well, regardless, the entire premise of Pronouns comes from an ask I got on Astorinx basically questioning why I use “they/them” pronouns for Astro in my fan fictions. Now, this wasn’t the first time I got asked that. In fact, on Parental, I got asked about the queer elements written into the fic. And to be fair, it was probably petty of me to write an entire fic after getting such comments, but in my defense, I felt a little annoyed at the constant questioning. Especially as a “they/them” pronouns user myself, it just irritated me a bit. Why should I have to explain to you why I use “they/them” for Astro? Personally, I feel I should be left in peace in that regard. But nevertheless, this fic took me no less than 10 minutes to write, and basically says what’s on the tin, detailing why Astro uses “they/them” pronouns. The idea here was basically that I’d have something to link to whenever I get asked this, but thankfully I haven’t. I should also clarify that I’m not against criticism or receiving asks, comments, ETC. My only issue is getting asked things like “why did you do this?” regarding anything queer related in my works. Mostly because the answer is quite obvious: I’m queer, and I write fan fiction.

Contrary To Popular Belief

I guess you could say this is sort of a flip-side, or 3rd cousin twice removed relative to Tales From The Laboratory, but regardless, Contrary To Popular Belief, is probably the most “out there” (quite literally speaking, to be honest) fan fiction I have. Similar to TFTL, Contrary To Popular Belief is a one-shot compilation, but with a twist! What twist, you may ask? Well, every one-shot is a different AU! Pretty much, I wanted to use this as an opportunity to write about stuff I normally don’t, or to get some ideas I’ve had that wouldn’t work with the way the 03 series canon is set up out of my brain. There’s not much else to it, but if you are interested in reading it, the 2 first stories, Left Of The Spacecraft and 2-Star Yelp Review are out. And yes, the fic title is a joke.

You Might See These… In A Few Years

No, I am not joking, it really may be years until some of these fics make their big debut. But I still want to talk about them anyway, in case you’re interested. I also want this to serve as a way to make room in my brain for other ideas to hyper-fixate on for weeks at a time.

Paternal Amnesty

I suppose now’s a better time than ever to be frank: I lied to you all. You see… I did say that Vivid Insomnia was over with, and it is. But… I did manage to (sort of) bring it back, but with a big, giant catch.

One of the things I loved the most about VI was the dynamic between Astro and Tenma. It was heartfelt, but it was also stupidly hilarious. I mean, the number of times Astro would take a jab at Tenma only to get immediately read for filth was definitely something for the books. So, is it really a surprise I’d want to try and bring it back somehow? Well, I suppose not!

Don’t get it twisted, though, this is (unfortunately) not just straight up “yoinking their dynamic from VI and putting it in a new fic”. For that, you’ll have to (spoiler alert) check out Contrary To Popular Belief when ____ Of The Year comes out. What this is, though, is a sort of derivative of the VI fic Two Halves Of The Same Heart.

Now because of spoilers, I’m not going to say what happens in that fic, but seasoned VI fans will hopefully now have a better idea of what Paternal Amnesty has to offer.

Basically, this fic centers around an Astro who is very much aware that their mental health is not great. But unfortunately, O’shay is completely unwilling to provide the support necessary, so they can get the help they need.

To be clear: there are no OCs in this fic, and no, you will not be needed to have read VI to read this. I will say though that if O’shay being portrayed as an asshole is not your vibe, then this fic might not be for you. If you do, however, like Astro and Tenma’s dynamic, or perhaps wished they were on speaking terms, then this might be for you.

My Secret Project

No, that is not its actual title. Back then, I thought maybe if I spoke the least amount possible about what I was working on, I was more likely to follow through with it. Well, suffice to say, it’s been 3 years since I originally came up with the idea, and I haven’t even gotten a single chapter done.

So, why am I being so secretive about it still? Well, to be honest, I’m not sure. I guess now’s a better time than ever to let you all know….

Drum roll….

Ignorant Mischief

Sort of a flip side of Paternal Amnesty, Ignorant Mischief will probably be the biggest undertaking since Vivid Insomnia I will ever do. And this is actually the fic that made me decide to cancel VI.

Why exactly, you may ask? Well, it would help for me to explain (generally) what the plot of IM is (again, without spoilers!).

Basically, this fic is an AU that I’ve dubbed my “adult AU” (more on that later) where Astro is a twenty-something (21 at the start of the fic, to be exact!) who is… for all intents and purposes… a bit of a serial romantic. Where the actual plot is, lies in Astro entering yet another relationship, but this time around it’s with someone they genuinely have cared about for quite some time just as a friend (gee, I wonder who that could be.). Naturally, they don’t want it to go to shit like all of their past relationships have, so they decide to start therapy in hopes of learning how to keep it together. And the rest is, as they say, history! Or at least will not be mentioned here because again, spoilers spoilers spoilers.

So, when I finally figured out what I wanted IM to be about, I realized I was basically writing what VI had intended to be about: Astro’s road to recovery. But it was improved upon in ways I couldn’t have with VI without completely starting over. It felt a little redundant to have both VI, and it's much better in every single way relative up and active at the same time, so why bother?

Now, the difference between this fic and Paternal Amnesty is pretty much night and day. PA is mostly about Astro and Tenma, with less of an emphasis on the therapy they’re receiving. IM, on the other hand, is pretty much solely about Astro’s time in therapy. I mean, sure, there are moments of Astro in therapy in PA, just as much as there are moments of Astro’s life outside of therapy in IM, but neither is the focal point of their respective stories. Another big difference is that Astro in PA is about 13, whereas IM Astro is an adult. Also, O’shay isn’t an ass in IM, but the trade-off is that Tenma is pretty much out of the picture (and is intended to stay that way).

Why this fic has taken so long to come out, actually circles back to why I ended VI and the apology I made earlier. As I stated, this fic is about Astro’s time in therapy, so I, of course, need to know quite a bit about what going to therapy entails, but also have the psychology knowledge necessary to be able to write something accurate. The points and messages I want to have and make, hinge so much on being done well and by someone who is knowledgeable about the subject.

Now, I am aware that it might be a bit excessive to think I’d need to become a psych expert overnight to make this fic happen, but I’d argue against that. Again, it matters a lot to me now that what I write is accurate, and done in good taste. I couldn’t possibly bring myself to write something, fully knowing that I’m ill-informed, with good conscience. Also, as a newfound stickler for psychobabble, It’d also be a bit hypocritical for me to write something akin to a pop psychology piece. What I write has to be accurate, and again, respectful. So tl;dr, I need to do more psychology research, and that’s going to take a while.

Finally, I do want to talk a little about the universe itself. Even though this fic hasn’t come out yet, it has technically been made public in a sort of related way. You see, the foundation of which this fic is built upon is my adult AU. Which for the purposes of this post I won’t get into, but many of my newer works do take place in a version of said universe.

This doesn’t mean every fic I’ve written is connected to IM, though. They just all use the same base, kind of like different plants that use the same pot and soil. Where this is most prevalent is in Tales From The Laboratory, where I’ve pretty much moved on to writing about Retro exclusively as adults, so of course I use this universe as its foundation.

To explain why, I think when I became an adult, I immediately became distasteful of anything to do with minors. In fact, all of my OCs are adults now for this reason. It just doesn’t sit right with me and puts a sour taste in my mouth to write about kids. Of course, I’ll make exceptions, but only when I feel it’s absolutely necessary, or it would break the plot otherwise.

El Campo

Spanish for “the countryside” El Campo is an unofficial prequel to Ignorant Mischief. The intention here is to get a little peek into who Astro would become as an adult. But make no mistake, it’s not the focal point at all. What is the focal point, however, is it’s “actual” plot.

Basically, Yuko sends O’shay off on another vacation after it became apparent that he was up to here in work related stress, and needed to get away for the weekend. So, he decides to take his kids (+ Reno!) to a cabin-like place in the countryside.

There’s really not much else to it. Obviously, since this is much easier to write because it’s just a one-shot and doesn’t require profound psych knowledge, this’ll probably be out a lot sooner.

You’ll Never See Me Again… Except You Never Saw Me At All To Begin With

Even though September won’t cry for you, I will still extend my condolences to you for these fics that were meant to exist, but never did, and (maybe) never will. But hey, there’s a catch! You see, for just the fics in this category, I’m giving the ideas away for free! If I’m not going to make them, it’d be pretty gatekeep-y of me to hoard them. Especially if perhaps somebody else could take them and make them a reality. It just wouldn’t be very punk rock of me to do anything else.

Thespian Alloquy

Technically, my first-ever AU, Thespian Alloquy was supposed to be a fan fiction consisting of an ensemble cast that were all actors. Tezuka Star System jokes aside, what this basically was about is simple: Astro is a preteen (+ human because this was also a human AU for some reason???) that’s looking for something to do over the summer. They have a huge passion for acting, and so after asking many a friends and teachers for ideas, their drama teacher suggests they join Metro City’s local theatre, and they immediately agree.

Now, they also do bring Reno along for the ride, but you don’t have to include him. I just think Reno is definitely the Bonnie to Astro’s Clyde, so any chance I get to have them together and be BFFs, I’m going to take.

Key elements included Astro living with their (presumably divorced) mom. Changing their name to Astro after coming out as agender (besides acting, they’re a huge space/astronomy fan). And of course, being human (again for some unknown reason, I suppose you could make them a robot again if you can figure it out plot wise). Another major plot point takes us to where I get to discuss who went where, character speaking.

Sadly, most of my knowledge has been lost to time since again it is quite spotty. All you need to know though is that basically every main AB character is a part of this theatre. O’shay, for example, conducts the orchestra and has two daughters: Zoran and Uran. Tenma, is the head director of the theatre and basically runs and puts together most of the plays. This is where the big twist comes in because gasp! Tenma is Astro’s father??? Unbeknownst to them, it’s a lot to process and take in. And talk about the irony! Of all places and scenarios for Astro to find out who their long-lost dad was— it was during summer break at a local theatre.

Why this never came to fruition is actually one of the reasons I didn’t touch upon earlier when it came to fics from the future: writing chapters in bulk.

It’s kind of funny and ironic; in the novel world, you, of course, need to have the entire story done before it can be released. But in the fan fiction world, it’s pretty much par the course to write chapters one at a time and post each of them as soon as they’re finished. I however, wanted to at least have a couple ready at hand, so there was enough for people to sink into and not so long of a wait for new material.

This put a lot of pressure on me because I got so in my head and also clearly was not fit for writing in bulk. So, it stayed dormant for so long, and by the time I was finally ready to give it a shot, the hype for the story was basically all dried up, furthering my desire to just give it the boot and call it a day.

That One Time I Decided To Forgo Being A Robot

Based on the 80s episode I cannot remember currently (+ a manga plot if I remember correctly), this was a one shot that was supposed to be about Astro “getting rid” of their robot powers in order to “be human”.

The main reason I pulled the plug on this, was because it was meant to be a more humorous retelling/rewriting of the plot. Because In my opinion you can’t be a robot your whole life, get an operation to “become human”, and not proceed to do silly and idiotic shit thereafter.

Personally, I don’t consider myself to be that funny (at least in the context of writing fiction). And I think in order for this fic to be remotely good, it has to be eye crying, and stomach hurting hilarious.

So instead, I’m hoping maybe someone with a huge funny bone will take this on and give this idea the justice it needs, and make us all fall to the floor dying of laughter as a result.

Crossing The Ts, Dotting The Is, and Fixing The Typos

In closing, I will say this was a very interesting journey to look back on. Sure, I may not remember everything, but for what it’s worth, I’m proud of what I’ve made (minus the problematic elements in some of them, of course). What the future holds for me exactly regarding my fan fictions, is, and always will be, uncertain. But perhaps maybe like me, you’ve at least got to learn a bit more about what I’ve done then and now, what’s hopefully to be done, and finally… what I’ll never (personally) make done.

[shiftings]

scripting

A script is a shifting tool where you describe the details of your desired reality. You don't need to have a script as your mind already knows what you want, so you can shift even withoout one. But it can be helpful to write some things down, especially if you're a beginner.

What does a script look like? A script is different for everyone so feel free to write whatever you feel like writing. For starters, you can write some information about your desired reality self, you can specify where you're shifting to, the year etc. A script can be as detailed or as non-detailed as you want. The length also doesn't matter. 

You can write your script by hand or you can type it in a phone or computer. It also doesn't have to be just words! Feel free to add photos, videos, audios or even make some sketches. 

When you write a script make sure to write using present and past tenses. Just like you would when talking about yourself and the things you have done in this reality. That's because you already exist in the reality you're shifting to. So for example, don't say "I will be called ..." but "I am called ..."

You don't have to write in full length sentences though, you can write in bullet points or as if you’re filling a form.

What should you include in your script? Anything you want. Don't worry if you leave something out of the script, your subconscious mind will fill that in for you.

Can you make changes to your script? Yes you can. You can delete or scribble over things you want to change anytime you want. You should know however that when you change a detail in your script your desired reality becomes a different reality from the one you had before. Say you scripted for brown hair and then changed it to blonde. When you shift you'll be going to a reality that's identical to the first, except that in that reality you have blonde hair. That's because this is how multiple realities work. When you're scripting your desired reality, you're pretty much choosing a reality that fits your description. You're not actually creating it as you write because technically it already exists. But don't worry, because there's so many realities, it's just like 'creating' it. So any reality you can think of already exists. 

Can you change your script while in your desired reality? Some people have scripted to be able to do that through something called the Lifa App. However I don't think it's possible to change a reality you're already in without essentially shifting. So you wouldn't be able to change that reality, only shift to a similar one.

Do you need to have your script memorized? No, like I said earlier, your mind already knows what you want. It's good to re-read it if you recently made any changes just to prevent any confusion. Also re-reading for fun can help you raise your vibrations which help you shift.

Here's an example of what a script can include.

- The desired reality you're shifting to (Is it an anime world, a book world, an alternate reality? What year is it?)

- Your desired self (General information, such as name and age. Personality traits, physical appearance, any talents or special powers? If you're shifting as a character that already exists you can make any changes if you want)

- Your relationships (Family, friends, love interests, pets. What is your relationship with other people/characters? How are you perceived? How are you treated?)

- Safety measures (You can't die, you can't feel pain, you can't get ill etc)

- Time ratio (Example, an hour in your current reality is a month in your desired reality)

- Returning word or action (Example, when you clap your hands twice you will shift back to your current reality)

- Clone instructions (What you want your clone to do while you're in your desired reality if you're shifting while awake)

You can also make changes to the world you're shifting to if it's a book or movie. If you want the storyline to be different, you can script that. You can also script what will happen after you shift, or just leave things to happen naturally. 

If you want to remove or add characters, you can do that too. Adding characters that don't exist in that fictional world is also possible. You want Harry Styles in Hogwarts? You got it. (Remember though that would only be a version of Harry that exists in that reality. Unless a person from this reality shifts with you, they won't actually be there)

Your script can also include your waiting room. A waiting room is a safe personal space you can shift to before shifting to your desired reality. You can shift there even from your desired reality. I will make a separate post about waiting rooms. 

Another thing you can script, which can be helpful when you shift, are shifting signs. For example, script that when you shift to your desired reality you will smell a scent or hear a sound. That way you will know when you have shifted or when you are close.

Scripting Relationships

In the shifting community there’s a discussion whether it's right to script a relationship that's already established. For example saying "In my desired reality I am in a relationship with X person". 

So is it wrong? Technically, there already exists a reality where X person has consented to be in a relationship with you and you're just shifting to that reality. Even if it's not a fictional character but a real person in this reality, you're not violating their consent here. That’s because even if they are identical, they’re not the same person as they exist in different realities.

On the other hand though, if you shift and the relationship is already established, that means you didn’t get the chance to actually form a bond with them and other stuff like that.  Although you already existed in that reality, you still weren't actually there until you shifted, you get me? 

I don't think it's wrong and if you want to script a relationship then go for it. If you don't feel comfortable doing so, then don't do it. It's simply your choice. You can always script that this person finds you attractive, feels good around you, has feelings for you etc and then build your way up from there.

...

So this is what you need to know about scripting if you're new to shifting. I tried to cover everything neccessary I could think of. If you have any questions feel free to ask!

[tarnished-angelcoric]

INTRO

Hello! You can refer to us as Angel, and our collective pronouns are they/them. I am a DID system just trying to find healing and community, and to feel a little bit less like a freak in a world that’s already hurt us so deeply. Our body is 23 years old; we are employed and not in school. We are physically disabled and have mental illnesses other than DID; you may see me talk about how these different factors interact. I am professionally diagnosed and in therapy; educated self-DX is welcome and supported here!

For privacy reasons, we will not tag our posts with which alter is fronting. If we do mention our alters by name, it will be with an emoji or a nickname. If we are talking one-on-one, you’re free to ask who you’re speaking to, but do remember that we are not obligated to disclose that. If you don’t know who specifically is fronting, just refer to us as Angel.

This is a side blog; we interact from d******b (censored for privacy). If you’re not sure if we’re following you, feel free to ask!

BYF:

I will frequently alternate between I and we when talking about the system. Apologies if it gets confusing.

If you need to message us, you are always welcome to. Whether you have a question, need a safe adult to talk to, or just want some cat pictures to cheer you up, we’ll do our best to help. We try to be a friend, but do note that we will have certain boundaries with you if you are a minor, for obvious reasons.

Due to the nature of being a system, there will be discussions of trauma and abuse. Things will be tagged as needed (usually as just “[trigger]” or “[trigger] tw”). If you need anything tagged, anything at all, just let us know.

I try to always add image descriptions to my posts, but reblogs are hit or miss. If there is anything else I can incorporate to make my blog more accessible, please let me know!

I am always, always open to answering questions about having DID. Don’t worry about being too nosy - if I’m not comfortable answering it, I’ll let you know. The only hard limit is this: do not ask about details of our trauma.

Please do not use typing quirks with us - if you do, please provide a translation. Asks/messages with no translation will be ignored and likely deleted. They’re very difficult for us to read, and cause many issues for us.

In a similar vein, please use tone tags with us! We struggle a LOT with reading tone over text, and tone tags are what we use to prevent miscommunication. Just sticking with the basics (/j, /s, /lh, /gen) is totally fine, but you’re welcome to use other ones (I don’t have all of them memorised, so I may have to ask what they mean).

I’m always open to a civil discussion. Every system is different, and therefore has different opinions; as long as yours are not harming anybody or being intentionally aggressive, I’m always open to chat. On that note, please remember that we’re working on our own issues as well, including aggression. If we’re overstepping or being needlessly rude, please let us know.

Note that since I am employed and self-sufficient, I cannot always be online. On top of that, memory issues tend to interfere with socializing. It may take some time for us to respond to messages. If it’s been more than a day or two, feel free to shoot us another one; we may have forgotten!

DNI:

Bigot (racist, trans/homophobe, antisemite, etc)

Porn/NSFW/kink blog

Ana/mia/ED blog

Anti-BLM, “all lives matter” supporter

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[ethrenisnotthehero]

@hogwartsmystory is a predator (part 2)

If you haven’t read the first part of the callout, I encourage you to do so here. As before, the normal tags are not included in this post in order to allow this to reach as many people as possible. Potential triggers are listed below, and the main content is hidden to keep sensitive individuals from being unintentionally exposed. TW: Pedophilia, Abuse, Gaslighting, Sexual Assault, Self Harm, Suicide, NSFW Topics, Faked Illness, Faked Mental Illness, Faked Death, Victim Blaming

Ren met Jill sometime between December of 2013 and January of 2014. At the time, he was dating another staff member of the website who will be referred to as Buttercup from now on. Jill was vulnerable in some of the most classic ways a CSA survivor often is. Her home life was chaotic and difficult. She was just finishing middle school. Depression had started to surface, and, worst of all, she had just been diagnosed with a life-altering chronic disease that would require her to change significant aspects of her daily life just to survive. She just wanted a place to fit in and be welcomed, and fell into Ren’s lures without ever considering the danger that lurked behind the screen.

Up until now, it could be understandable to argue that Ren may not have been purposely grooming young girls. Creating a mature themed website might be creepy and inappropriate, but that doesn’t necessarily make someone a predator. No, what made Ren a predator were his motives, his goals, and his solicitation of vulnerable youth into grossly exploitative relationships. What remains the most disturbing to me is that his behavior consistently fits with the profile of an egomaniac desperate to have power over someone dependent on him, fitting textbook descriptions of the methods abusers employ in order to coax their victims in and trap them there.

The Act of Grooming, Part Two: Approach

Even though common luring methods of child predators are well-known within advocate and legal communities, the average person typically has neither heard of them nor is likely to recognize them as they happen. Some behaviors attached to common lures are easily identifiable: a stranger somehow uses a young child’s name to create familiarity and abducts them, or convinces a child that there are prizes to be had if they come along. Methods like these have names, and Ren is guilty of utilizing at least four to his advantage.

The Authority Lure

When Jill first told me about her first interactions with Ren, she was quick to note how starstruck she was with that fact that he wanted to talk to her at all. “I was surprised that admins even RPed down with their peasants on this site,” she told me. Interacting with staff on the site made her feel special and seen, and Ren was quick to start chatting with her. He had a particular interest in her character. Someone of great importance and authority on the site, going out of his way to interact with her out of all people. He held power over her (over most users on the site) and that was something he was keenly aware of. More sinisterly, not only did Ren himself have power over younger users, but he increased his reach and control through the creation of alternative identities. Ren’s main identities were Aaron, Seth, Carter, and Lauren, all of whom he used to form relationships with and manipulate different individuals on the site.

Seth and Carter’s accounts have since been deleted, so unfortunately I was not able to see what kind of people Ren made them out to be. However, he clearly made users believe that these were all existing people, and used their identities to build his authority. When everyone on staff is the same person, it doesn’t leave very much room for dissent.

As for Lauren? Lauren was Ren’s real identity, and the mastermind behind all of it.

As you can see in this post, as of November 11, 2013, Ren was 17 years old. Not only that, but he was in a position of power over children in real life, too. There’s no reason that Ren would not have known better; no one in that position would be able to have a relationship with a small child as a “mistake.” Frequently, Ren claimed to be a babysitter for kids as old as 14, which means that children were fully exposed to him on all fronts. Ignorance is not a viable excuse for him; there’s no way he didn’t realize what he was doing was wrong.

A person might argue that there’s no substantial proof that these identities are fake. That would be a valid question at this point. One of Ren’s supporters (and self-proclaimed partner) has admitted themselves that these “alternate personalities” did not exist. In an attempt to explain away Ren’s toxic behaviors, they offered up a Dissociative Identity Disorder diagnosis as a defense:

However, there’s one glaring issue with this claim. According to the DSM-5 classification of mental disorders by the American Psychiatric Association, amnesia must occur for a diagnosis of DID. Amnesia is defined by the DSM-5 as gaps in the recall of everyday events, important personal information, and/or traumatic events. Ren never experienced amnesia associated with the “switch” of an alter; in fact, he claimed that he and his friends would regularly do activities together, and would even communicate back and forth online with each other during the same lengths of time on AS as he switched between accounts.

I understand that everyone has different experiences with mental illness, and that illness does not have the same symptoms for every person. Regardless, Ren was clearly aware of his actions and the way he used his other accounts to lure/hurt users. Mental illness is not an excuse for hurting children, ever. Ren knew it then, and I can guarantee you he knows it now.

The Affection Lure

Another way predators appeal to their victims is with affection. Pedophiles take advantage of rocky home situations or difficult experiences to abuse the trust a child has placed in them. Jill came to know Ren well through their role-plays. They talked often. Ren made himself available to her, gave her comfort that she desperately needed, and even offered other friends who could be an ear or a shoulder to her. When Ren learned of Jill’s chronic illness, he connected her with Seth, another of his personalities. He coaxed Jill into trusting him, and their relationship became inappropriately intense. Most children are exploited by people that are close to them, by people who they trust and rely on.

At the time, Jill may not have realized how difficult her situation was for her. To her, the chaos of her family life may have seemed normal. Having to compete with siblings and neighborhood kids may have seemed normal. Falling into severe, deep depression may have seemed normal. The truth of the situation is that a vulnerable young woman was falling through the cracks, and Ren saw an opportunity to place himself as the most important person in her life. She needed to belong, so he made sure that she felt like she belonged with him. She needed to be heard, so he made sure that she felt like he was the only one who heard her. She needed friends, so he made sure that all her friends were him. 

Not only did he use her trust in him to groom her for a relationship, but he used it to isolate her. If everyone she knew was him, then he would be the only positive feature in her life. If everyone else was an enemy, then she would have nowhere to turn to but him. If he convinced her that she was his world, and that he was hers, she would never believe anyone trying to warn her about him and his behavior. Ren took advantage of a 14 year old child’s insecurities and sickness to insert himself as the most important aspect of her life.

There’s plenty of evidence that this wasn't the first time he’d thought of something like this, either. Ren had an obsession with themes of abuse, torture, and child slavery in his stories and role-plays. Much of his content centered around taking advantage of vulnerable people.

It wasn’t just his role-play ideas that crossed the line. His behavior toward other members of the site was hair-raising at best. His supporters try to paint him as someone affectionate and well-meaning, but he had habits of talking to young users in a manner that borders on profiling.

These aren’t things that someone a few months short of their eighteenth birthday should be saying to children on the internet. His behavior also delved into the realm of victim blaming, too; when a minor on the site was posting about their father going out of his way to make custody as complicated and as disruptive as possible, Ren had this to say:

A man, who would have been 18 at the time, with the audacity to imply that a child was to blame for the controlling behavior of their father. That their father only loved them, and that they might have done something to make a grown man act like a petty child during a divorce.

Ren’s idea of love was as toxic as his need for power.

The Hero Lure

This is, perhaps, the lure that Ren is mostly guilty of. An egomaniac soothed by his own words, Ren saw himself as a hero. In his own mind, he was a faultless deity who deserved no less than the complete and undivided affections of his subjects, but who fabricated false identities at every opportunity. In Ren’s mind, he is the hero. The survivors of his abuse are turned to abusers, those who dare question him are nothing but petty liars, and anyone not completely enthralled by him is nothing but an extra in his story. That’s what Ethren was created to emulate.

Ren has not grown. Someone who has grown would take ownership of their mistakes and apologize for the pain they had caused. Someone truly sorry, truly changed, wouldn’t dare to trample on the feelings of people they had hurt. Ren is no different now than he was six years ago, when he made the decision to change Jill’s life. Instead, he’s turned a survivor into the villain of his world. Instead, he faked his own death so that he could start over with his reputation on AS intact. He never accepted what he did, and instead continues to paint Jill as someone who needed to be “fixed.”

Wanting to be with someone because it feeds a need to “fix” or “help” someone isn’t love. It’s an adult man putting the weight of the world on the shoulders of a little girl. A girl already struggling to adapt. A girl already struggling to fit in. A girl who spent her second week of high school hospitalized because of a sickness that would change her life forever. Jill is a person; she’s a person who’s had to learn to live with restrictions that mean the difference between life and death. She’s a person who’s had to walk alone through the past six years battling depression and trauma completely unheard and unseen. She’s not a character in Ren’s world. She’s not some fixation to help him feel better about himself. 

Jill is a real, living, breathing human being with thoughts and feelings and a future: a future that Ren has done him damn best to make about himself for the past six years.

Ren never wanted to help anyone. Ren needed to feel important to other people to have some kind of meaning to himself. His obsession with playing hero went so far that he would torment his victims just so that he could swoop in and be what they needed. He would pretend to be sick or injured. He would go from having a cold, to strep, to pneumonia in under a day.

He would suddenly need a nebulizer for breathing treatments for his false illnesses.

His friends and loved ones would suddenly have life-threatening medical conditions and need to be taken to the hospital.

He pretended to have cancer.

He would use his identities to threaten self harm or death. He used Seth to tell Jill that he was going to send someone to kill her, making her scared for her own life. He made her a part of a world where he was the only one who could help her to satisfy his own sick need to be the most important thing to someone else.

When life caught up to him, he pretended to die.

He knew what he was doing was wrong. He asked Jill to lie about her age and told her that if anyone ever found out about them, he would get in trouble. He used his status as her hero to solicit sexual content online. He knew her age, knew how vulnerable she was, and knew how desperately she needed to fit in. He took advantage of that to fill his own desperate need to be the hero.

The legal age where a person can consent in Jill’s country is 16. When they officially began dating, she was 14. Ren was 18. He was an adult four years older than her, who would have faced charges of child abuse in his own state for their relationship. They had a sexual relationship online, which would be equivalent to soliciting child porn in his state. She never cheated on him; he was her world, because he made every effort to make sure that he was.

She never even saw his face.

She never even knew his real name.

She grappled for years afterwards with trauma, and he wouldn’t even give her the decency of having peace when they finally split. Instead, he came here with his stories. He wrote up fantasies where he was the hero, and she was the one who abused him. Jill was still a minor at the end of her relationship. When I asked her if she’s gotten help, she didn’t think a therapist would take her seriously. Ren took her ability to trust her own voice from her. He took her ability to believe that her own problems were valid. He took six years of her life and made it hell for the sake of his own ego and vanity. Pedophiles will often lie about their age, but most of them make it clear that they’re adults. Their true age might vary by four to five years (like in Ren’s case of claiming to be 21 at 17), but they always make it very clear that they’re adults. Predators know what they’re doing. They’re master manipulators. They’re adept at communication. They seem innocent on the surface, until everything they’ve done is laid out where it can be seen for what it is. Predators rely on persuasion, not coercion (Abrams 2016).

Someone I know asked me if I ever considered, even briefly, that Jill wasn’t telling the truth. I answered back without hesitation that I never did, not even once, because I hadn’t even touched one of the most important parts of my research.

Like other predators, Ren had a type. Buttercup was his first victim. When she and Ren met she was only 13-- Just like Jill.

Continue to Part 3