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mekachu04 · 28 days ago

Text

29. Date

Kidd - 18 | Killer - 21

Tags specifically for this chapter:

discussions of minors and sex

Kidd confronts Killer on him leaving

Killer struggles with Kidd's age

discussions of teenagers and age gaps

would they actually talk about this irl/cannon - i dunno...

probably not... but then again, they are soft about the other

be ready for an awkward fight that they've been needing to have a for a few years now

but also needed to wait to have until Kidd matured a little bit

Read at A03 linked above or here below cut

Drabbles from Pocket Jack's KiKi-tober Prompt list

They were supposed to be going out on the town, the island they'd docked at having a wide selection of restaurants and concert halls and other amusements. They'd been loitering in the area past their departure as the days slowly ticked away in the second week of the new year, specifically for tonight. Instead, Kidd and Killer found themselves drinking in the quiet galley, sharing gossip and reminiscing about an island that never quite felt like home there at the end.

About the wild exploits of The Kid Boss of the Heaps - a teenager that had managed to unify the unmanageable, and how even Killer's Boss had sat up and took notice before their group had imploded.

Kidd had had a few times where the same had almost happen to him too, before he really came to understand the power he'd found himself responsible for - "People only fear you for so long before they hate you enough to do something about it." Which was terribly profound when you realize a 16 year old had come to understand this before the adults around him did.

"At least you had some charisma that got you a few people that had your back. Nobody followed me because they thought I was going to be a good Boss. I was just the poor bastard left standing with the dust cleared. As soon as they realized they had other options, it was an exodus. Most of them defected to you or Wire pretty fast."

"I did notice an uptick of sycophants after that one meeting we had."

"I believe I warned you about that."

Kidd nodded. "Yeah... yeah, you warned me about a few things. You were right - about using my fruit around people. It being a bad idea."

"... I'm sorry."

"Yeah, well. Live and learn."

"I hope you smeared the assholes to paste."

Kidd chuckled darkly, "I did indeed. They were worthless; be glad they ditched out on you."

"It was only a matter of time before they left. They all do." Killer conceded, sipping his beer though a straw Dive had found... somewhere. "Just sorry you had to deal with them."

"You left me." He hadn't meant it accusatorially, not really. Just a statement of fact. But once it was out, Kidd felt a little angry about the whole thing. Killer just going on about being left behind, oh woe is me, but he did the same damn thing.

Killer frozen in place, before slowly putting his mug on the table. Kidd could feel him looking to the galley exit, calculating how to leave.

Fuck that.

"Was I that awful to be around?"

Killer rubbed his palms on his jeans, and Kidd swallowed thickly around the lump forming there.

"Oh."

"Look.. It..." Killer got up then, and Kidd watched him start to pace, feeling more and more uneasy with each anxious step Killer took. "It wasn't you, it was me... Well, it was you but it wasn't your fault."

"I have no idea what that means."

Killer's head is tilted up like the ceiling holds the answers.

"Killer, what the fuck does that mean?"

Killer shook his head, and Kidd stood up abruptly, ready to block him from fleeing.

"Killer! What did I do?"

"It wasn't your fault." Killer reiterated, and that didn't make anything clearer, and they both knew it. "You were just... You were kind of a lot... at.... that age..."

"I was 14! What are you on about?" As soon as the words left his mouth, Kidd had a sickening feeling starting to form in his gut. It must have shown in his face, because Killer glanced at him once before quickly looking away.

"You... got a little.. handsy. At night."

"Handsy?"

"A lot handsy. And.. clingy?" His voice pitched like a question, like he was trying to find a way to word Kidd's apparent behavior while downplaying it at the same time.

Kidd slumped against the table they'd just been enjoying drinks at. "How bad was I?"

"Four Blues, Kidd - you were awful." Killer groaned, "Every fucking night, three times a night, minimum, you'd be all over me."

"I... I.."

"Every time I thought it safe to drift off, you start making these little noises and I was so sleep deprived, Kidd. So sleep deprived. I'd leave in the morning purely to go sleep in Ceannard's office for a couple hours."

"I was 14!"

"When I was 14, I would get up and fucking take care of it - you just.." Killer voice had a panicky edge he'd never heard, before pointing wildly at him, "Every fucking morning, I wake up and had to deal with you getting off dry humping me. And you didn't even have the decency to be awake!"

"So you should of woken me and told me to knock it the fuck off!" Kidd paused, head cocking to the side as he studied how Killer had tensed up, bad shoulder touched in - "You didn't want me to wake up. You didn't... you didn't want me to know. Why?"

The mask hides a lot - Killer was always too expressive - his face an open book. But the mask didn't hide everything. Not from Kidd at least.

"You were into it."

Killer shook his head. Not a denial of Kidd's words, a denial that they were being spoken in the first place. He was coiled up so tight Kidd wasn't sure he was even breathing anymore.

"You liked me all rubbing up on you." Kidd almost wanted to preen at that, anyone else he would be puffed out proud. Instead a knot formed in his gut. You got off on it He keeps himself from saying, the thought tangling in his throat, forcing him to swallow thickly. Or you wanted to at least...

Killer made to widen the gap, but Kidd wouldn't let him, crowding him up against the wall.

"Then why would you leave?" he cried, not understanding at all, "I was horny, you were horny, what was the problem? We coulda fucked around a little, so what?"

"Because Killer might be good for a quick fuck, but nobody sticks around long after!"

Kidd started at him quietly, stunned, step back like Killer's words had been a physical blow. Killer hunched in himself, slouching back, surprised by his own confession.

"Killer..."

"I thought... I thought if I left first it would hurt so bad. You were getting along with the other Heaps' and you had a reputation for being an tough asshole so I thought... I thought you'd be okay."

Kidd pressed his fingers up on the bottom lip of Killer's mask, a request not a demand, his brows pinched unhappily.

Killer relented, and pulled the helmet off. But Kidd surprised him by taking it from him, holding it in his hands thoughtfully. He studied the interconnected plating, planning on how he'd make the next one different - better ventilation and more internal padding around the ears.

"I really liked Vicky." He started solemnly, "The three of us. Hanging out together. And sure, I wasn't thrilled about the two of you ditching me all the time. I thought maybe I was jealous of you for a long time, getting to hang out with her alone. And maybe I was... But I think I was also jealous of her. But then she was gone." Kidd spoke to the helmet, easier to say this to the empty drill marks than the man in front of him. "But that was okay because I still had you. And .. And I really liked being with you. I always felt safe, and waking up every morning with you right there... and then.. and then you weren't anymore. Even before you left, you started to be distant, and I hoped maybe you just got a new girlfriend and after the novelty wore off things would go back to how they were."

Killer was quiet, watching his hands fiddling with the metal, before he gently took the mask back.

"But it was me. You left because of me."

The worst part was Killer couldn't even disagree. He turned away from Kidd to put the helmet aside. "I left because I didn't know how to tell you no. I left because I rolled over and let anyone fuck me for a kind word, and I knew that I'd let you too, if you wanted. But you were 14 and you're my kid, and it got all weird and complicated and I didn't know how to see you as someone who wanted sex yet and .. And I was scared if I gave in, if let you take what you wanted, you'd toss me aside too once you were satisfied... so I ran away before you could."

"And if Vicky hadn't died... would you have ever talked to me again?"

He watched Killer's hand caress the line of white and blue. "No." He said finally. "No. You were doing so well; I was so fucking proud of you. You turned into this great man: You united the Heaps, made them believe they were people again. You had all them following you because they saw you were someone worth following. And I knew that I didn't have anything to do with that. That was all you. And I didn't deserve to talk to you anymore."

"Excuse me?" Kidd frowned, "What the fuck do you mean - you didn't have anything to do with that? You don't deserve to talk to me? What are you on about?"

When Killer didn't answer, Kidd grabbed his elbow and forced him to turn back, "Look me in the face and say that bullshit again!"

Killer stubbornly remain quiet.

"No!" Kidd growled, "I've gladly bashed the face in of anybody who talked shit about you. Don't think I'm gonna let you say it either."

Killer opened his mouth to start to say something but then stopped again.

"Killer!" frustrated, Kidd grabbed Killer's face in his hands, forcing him to look at him, "Say it to my face. If you're going to insult my friend, have the balls to say it to my face."

Killer met his eyes this time, blue to orange, complementary and contrasting in equal parts, and Kidd frowned at the pained pinch at the corners, the shame Killer wore in his features. He didn't understand, and no searching helped him find the reason. "Why would you ever say that you aren't the reason I got this far in life?"

Killer tried to escape his look by closing his eyes, but Kidd shook him softly; Killer's long lashes brushing his thumbs when he opened them again.

"Why did you leave me?" he tried again.

"You were 14...."

The light went on this time, Kidd breathing out a soft, "Oh" as Killer tried to look away again. Kidd rubbed his thumb against Killer's cheekbone, tipping his head back until their eyes met again. "I'm not anymore."

Killer was starting back at him, a fearful guarded look. But now, now Kidd thought he understood. He smiled back, tone soft, "Can I kiss you?"

The fear was still there, but Kidd would show him. He waited until Killer lowered his gaze, but nodded, a soft, "Okay" that was both defeated and begging.

Kidd smiled, hands sliding up Killer's cheeks to brush his bangs away and placed a soft kiss to Killer's forehead, smirking at the red painted lip marks left behind. Killer was looking up at him curiously though his lashes. Kidd rearranged Killer's bangs until the mark was hidden under wild hair.

"It's my birthday... come have dinner with me?"

"Okay."

#kikitober2024 #eustass captain kidd #massacre soldier killer #my work #fanfic #fanart #one piece #TW: age gaps #kiki #kidd x killer #kidkiller #dead dove #it's mild but I'm not shying away like i did on earlier chapters #so i'm going to clarify something here because i'm not sure if i managed to get it to come across clearly in the work itself #if you hadn't noticed in the subtext of this whole piece - Killer has a toxic relationship with sex in general #i want to attempt to explore this still in a bonus piece #but that's later #short of it - for Killer sex is less about attraction and more transactional #4 years ago - he was *not* sexually attracted to kidd #but he would have absolutely would have let Kidd fuck him #and he at least knew that that was a new level of fucked up #even for him #and that's why he left #personally i see kidd and killer are both asexual #but on *very* different parts of the spectrum #キキ #キドキラ #punk aibou

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lord-squiggletits · 8 months ago

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For the Salty Asks (forgive us for the avalanche, if it's too many you can pick your top three): 2, 9, 10, 11, 13 (Optimus), 20, 25 (IDW1), 26

uhhh honestly I feel a bit like a hermit who's out of the loop on what's popular/unpopular so some of these might be completely off the mark but here we go

2. Are there any popular fandom OTPs you only BroTP?

Mmmm I think most of my brotp's aren't shipped as OTPs to start with, so I dunno if I have any that fit this question.

Guess the closest example for me would be OPli/ta. I don't actively platonically ship them but I think platonic is way more interesting than romantic. I don't like the fandom's interpretation of romantic O/Plita at all + I feel like as one of the original "token woman" Autobots, I'd like to see Elita unshackled from Optimus as a love interest, esp because any official interpretation of them is probably gonna be written extremely heteronormatively/token romance between an action hero and The Girl. And the fanon version of them that's Strong Independent Girlboss Elita with whipped simp husbnad Optimus is just as boring and gross.

I just don't like the vibes and would rather them have some sort of friendly or regular relationship together.

9. Most disliked character(s)? Why?

IDW1 Slide, who I've gone into detail about my hatred of in several posts, but the TLDR is that she comes off as some kind of mouthpiece character? Not a mouthpiece as in for the author's beliefs, but it literally feels like she only exists to shit on Optimus and call him a piece of shit. Her dialogue is so cheesily written ("literally fascism" is an actual thing she says) and her bitching/lack of cultural comprehension about Cybertronian history is so prevalent, that for a long time during my IDW1 reading I was genuinely confused as to whether she was supposed to be some sort of parody/strawman/mockery of someone IRL (her character comes off almost EXACTLY like an anti-SJW stereotype of a screeching harpy calling everyone she dislikes a fascist, and it's only Barber's very obviously left-leaning writing in other parts of the story that told me that definitely wasn't the intent). So then I was wondering "okay is she gonna like, randomly become evil and turn against the good guys because she's just that petty? I mean she spends all of her time bitching about how Optimus/the Autobots/Cybertronians in general are the worst ever and she also hates humans too so I mean maybe? Half of this story already doesn't make sense so I can see it happening."

Thankfully that didn't happen, but like. Slide is so goddamn annoying and ignorant and gets way too much page time dedicated to her angry monologuing (in Unicron aka the finale of IDW1 there's literally a whole half page panel of her bitching about how Optimus is an evil tyrant while Trypticon is dying behind her and it comes off as a poorly timed, bad taste joke). The narrative treats her like she's some important individual whose feelings are important and valid, but she's fucking annoying. Any sympathy she was meant to garner is canceled out by badly written dialogue and the fact that she's a Literal Nobody of a character who seemingly only exists to bash the decades old, beloved legacy characters. For the sake of, idk, talking about how fucked up Cybertronians are that they just shrug and move on when people die? Bc apparently it's some sort of sin to be numb after 4 million years of war (and war that's literally still ongoing while Slide is bitching) and just soldier on trying to get through it? God forbid that a military hierarchy fighting to keep neo-Decepticons and various other alien threats from colonizing Earth be run like a military in which orders have to be followed, people die, but you still have to keep fighting anyways? Idefk man I just hate Slide so much she's basically the embodiment of all of the bad aspects of Barber's writing personified.

10. Most disliked arc? Why?

Mutineers arc in MTMTE/LL. I feel like (whether due to early cancellation and/or JRO wasting time on too many side plots to give it its full depth), I dislike how the mutineers were basically boiled down to pure evil morons who are the most disgusting, despicable evil ever and the only reason the mutiny had Good Guys (TM) in it was because they were horribly misled and not because, you know, the mutiny was 100% a valid thing to have happened as retaliation against Rodimus and Megatron's captaincy.

Like, I'm not opposed to the idea of Getaway and his cronies being assholes (I personally thought Getaway was a GREAT slow-burn, puppet master villain/anti-hero), I just dislike how the quality of their writing degraded from MTMTE to LL. Felt like they (Getaway in particular) got passed the Idiot Ball and then the actual reasons behind the mutiny were never addressed, it was kind of just "oh Getaway died horribly so we're all friends now and we forgive each other and Rodimus/Megatron will just go back to being captains now."

11. Is there an unpopular character you like that the fandom doesn’t? Why?

You mean besides IDW Optimus because anyone who's been on my blog for like 5 seconds knows he's my biggest problematic fave skldfjskd

Uhhh I guess in the spirit of the previous question, Getaway. I feel like the fandom's hatred for him is overblown mainly bc it's a combination of Tailgate/Cyga/te fans going "HE GOT IN THE WAY OF C/YGA/TE AND ALMOST KILLED THAT PRECIOUS CINNAMON ROLL" and Rodimus or Megatron stans going "Getaway hates my fave?? But my fave is a good captain and deserves the world HE'S EVIL MY FAVORITE IS BEYOND CRITICISM OR REPROACH GETAWAY IS THE EMBODIMENT OF EVIL."

Like to me it seems as if the hate for Getaway isn't normal dislike or even people hating him because he's a well written villain. It feels weirdly like ppl really take Getaway's actions personally and hate him with the kind of passion you normally see reserved for actual real life horrible people. Or they like, see Getaway as an obstacle to [favorite character]'s happiness and not as an individual who, before the quality of his writing tanked, was actually an interesting character who maybe even had good points? It just feels like people mainly hate Getaway because he's the antagonist to more popular characters/ships and so they project their defense of their faves into virulently hating him.

13. Unpopular opinion about (Optimus)?

Honestly 90% or more of the fan content I see for Optimus is really boring/uncompelling to me, or really just comes off as out of character. It's either Optimus being reduced to an accessory to be shipped with someone (usually turned into some sort of moe cutesy uke type) or him being turned into.... idk some permutation of "feral irresponsible gremlin" or "One Of The Good Ones (TM)" or "anxiety-ridden damsel who needs to be rescued by his lover" or, in some circles, "character I project my issues with authority onto and try to frame as evil for things that aren't even evil."

Idk how to specifically describe it, it's just... a vibe? Most of the Optimus content I see doesn't actually feel like him at all. It feels like it's Optimus/Orion in name only, who got so separated from canon and distorted by fanon/flanderization/shipping/porn stereotypes that he now only vaguely resembles the character he's supposed to be.

20. What is the purest ship in the fandom?

Ahahaha I don't really go into the realm of pure ships honestly, plus this is the war criminal fandom where pretty much every character has killed people or committed crimes or is just generally scarred by war so uhhh

Idk I think Thundercracker/Melissa is a pretty hinged ship? They get along and cope surprisingly well with all the shit that happens. There's no angst or betrayals or misunderstandings or enemies, they're just very respectfully together. Sdfklsajfksd

25. How would you end (IDW1)/Would you change the ending of (IDW1)?

Honestly, I'm pretty satisfied with the ending of IDW1 on both sides of the story. On Barber's side I would've preferred if every single planet including Cybertron didn't get fucking eaten leaving them all stuck on Earth together, and I would've also kept Trypticon alive while... minimizing Slide's role, to say the least. I don't have a problem with Optimus' ending bc I actually think that Optimus' arc in Unicron is like, one of the few 1000% good things Barber wrote for him it's just. It's pure Optimus in his best form.

On JRO's side I would've cut out the last panel with the alternate Lost Light and left it ambiguous as to whether the quantum jump successfully copied the ship or not. I dislike the vibes of the canon ending that implied that everyone moving on with their lives (almost universally to new and exciting and happier places) was the "sad" ending and going on a permanent road trip is the "true, happy" ending. In the author's notes I think JRO said that he wanted to give the readers an ending that would allow them to imagine their faves continuing to go on adventures, but I think compromising a good ending to a story to appease fans is fucking stupid + fandom has never needed permission or approval from the author to write alternate, happy endings. So why ruin a poignant, melancholy ending about how endings come with new beginnings and sadness/nostalgia can be mixed with hope and happiness by going "sike lol they're all living happily ever after on their space cruise."

Also I wouldn't have randomly killed off Ratchet for no reason because like. What was that even supposed to accomplish. I'm no stranger to writing major character deaths but like. He just fucking died of disease off-screen and that was that??? Why, like what was the narrative/symbolic purpose of that besides just making the ending more sad? Maybe to emphasize how going back to Cybertron was the "bad ending" and the quantum Lost Light is the "good ending" since on the LL Ratchet is still alive? But see the paragraph above for why I don't like that.

26. Most shippable character?

The most shippable character to me is whichever character I think is the sexiest, because if I think they're sexy it makes me want to ship them with everyone. "Guards, fuck that man for me" etc etc. Lmao

#squiggle answers #long post #i put / through ship names not bc i hate them but bc #i want to try and keep them from showing up in the maintags for the ship

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velvetvexations · 3 months ago

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transmasc anon that sent the long ask about my abusive transfem ex forever ago —i fully admit that i’m a bit of a coward for not wanting to post on main, but i just wanted to say, inspired by yours and starryjoy’s posts about trans misogyny in the trans androphobia tag, that, to any transmascs in or adjacent to velvet nation: just because one or multiple transfems have hurt you, even when they have Really fucking hurt you, it’s not an excuse to be a transmisogynist.

like, i understand that sometimes when we’re in pain, we say things we don’t really mean because we’re not thinking clearly. i get it. sometimes i would go on angry, impassioned, and mean tirades in private because i would get horribly triggered by something and have flashbacks to my abuse. it’s my transmasc partner who called me out on my bullshit (kindly but also very directly) and made me come to my senses and admit that i was just being a fucking asshole, even if nobody else was there to see it.

and still, even with that, none of that made what i said okay. and i don’t actually feel that way, and it’s my HOPE that most of you don’t either. trans women as a group are not just “whoever abused you irl” or “whoever is mean to you online.” they’re just fucking people, just like everyone else. some are good and some are bad and most are a mix of both, just like everybody else on the earth.

sometimes you gotta walk the fuck away and calm yourself the fuck down before you post. and if you really do still think the awful shit you’re about to say, then you have to get your fucking head on straight, because trans women are not the enemy. and even the trans girl who’s been the fucking cruelest still you *still* does not deserve your transmisogyny. criticize her behavior and her attitude but you cannot chalk that up to her just being ontologically bad because she’s a transfem. that’s fucking stupid.

thank you, velvet, and starryjoy if she happens to see this, for doing all that you do for transmascs, and you should not have to deal with seeing transmisogyny from people you’re doing everything to protect on this hellsite. my gratitude to you knows no bounds. you’ll always have my love and support, and i’m doing everything i can in my real life to make the world a better place for all trans people - doesn’t matter if they hurt me. we *all* deserve a kinder world, and we should start with each other.

I really do appreciate it, but I hope yall don't feel pressured by this. Not that I doubt your sincerity at all, but I don't want you to feel like you have leap to your feet every time to make amends for this kinna thing, you know? I love you all, we're good, I promise. But thank you for telling me anyway, and thank you for caring.

#trans misogyny

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witchthewriter · 2 years ago

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Heya! It's me again, may I request a level six male ship for Disney (except for Descendants) I'm going to resend my updated info in case it got piled down, thank you so much! ❣️

𝗦𝗘𝗫𝗨𝗔𝗟𝗜𝗧𝗬/𝗣𝗥𝗢𝗡𝗢𝗨𝗡𝗦: Biromantic Pansexual and Genderfluid; He/They (though I'm biologically woman irl)

𝗔𝗣𝗣𝗘𝗔𝗥𝗔𝗡𝗖𝗘: 21 years old, 5'1.5", Southeast Asian (Filipino). Chubby with messy shoulder length brunette hair, chocolate brown eyes, and a small beauty mark on my forehead. Feminine Tomboy or Soft Vintage (like Malia Tate's style from Teen Wolf) but loves to wear Korean makeup style

𝗣𝗘𝗥𝗦𝗢𝗡𝗔𝗟𝗜𝗧𝗬: Libra-Scorpio cusp, Slytherin with patronous spirit of Hummingbird, INFJ, my enneagram is 4w5 and Neutral Good. I may have a slight introverted tendencies and awkward/anxious nature, I describe myself as fiery, swears like a sailor, confident, jokester, and, passionate. Religious, super talkative, sometimes hyper (because of excitement), giggly (I always laugh/snort for stupid reasons), nerdy, also sweet and nice though I can be aloof, intimidating, and scary when I get so angry. I tend to become really fiesty, stands boldly on what I believe (claiming myself as a realist though some of my views doesn't makes sense), unbothered to be myself, stubborn, young-at-heart, clumsy unfortunate and inattentive. Would don't give af towards the people that I hate, sarcasam and savagery is my main language. But on the other side, I overthink a lot and cry over small things many times which I sound like a drama queen, and a perfectionist that provokes even more, yet recognizes a soft spot for dumb jokes, cheesy pickup lines and prefer people with a good sense of humour who see myself as equal. Chill in academics, but very competitive that manages to the top even for my dreams---I'm very dedicated on what I want for my life, and I display modesty and gracefulness towards some people that deserves respect. One notable feature about her is her multi-potentiality due to being naturally gifted in artistic fields (this includes singing).

𝗟𝗜𝗞𝗘𝗦/𝗜𝗡𝗧𝗘𝗥𝗘𝗦𝗧𝗦: Arts, choir, poetry, karaoke, literature, history, makeup, beauty pageants, fun/deep/dumb conversations, expanding my knowledge in Christianity, documentaries (about saints), reading interesting stuffs, talking about social issues, and creative writing, chilling both indoors and outdoors

𝗗𝗜𝗦𝗟𝗜𝗞𝗘𝗦: Stereotyping, obligation (without a logical reason), getting excluded, being interrupted, invalidating my feelings, judgemental people, telenovelas, hypocrites, dirty bathrooms, blackout, lightning, firecrackers, toads, snakes, cockroaches, toxic masculinity, misogyny, fake woke individuals, colonial mentality, and absurdly girly things

𝗛𝗢𝗕𝗕𝗜𝗘𝗦: Drawing, singing, dancing when nobody's around (I'm very bad at it), sharing nerdy or opinionated thoughts, walking like a model (if I ever feel so confident), sleeping, listening to music (2000s, rock, kpop, and EDM), chatting or browsing on social media, watching videos on YouTube, making terrible jokes/puns, watching cartoons, writing, cooking, reading interesting things, and conceptualizing my artworks. I also used to study Italian language a bit

Want one? Here be the rules 🦋🌈

𝐃𝐢𝐬𝐧𝐞𝐲

𝑫𝒆𝒔𝒄𝒓𝒊𝒑𝒕𝒊𝒐𝒏

𝑰 𝒔𝒉𝒊𝒑 𝒚𝒐𝒖 𝒘𝒊𝒕𝒉 𝑳𝒊 𝑺𝒉𝒂𝒏𝒈 𝒘𝒊𝒕𝒉 𝒏𝒐 𝒉𝒆𝒔𝒊𝒕𝒂𝒕𝒊𝒐𝒏 𝒂𝒕 𝒂𝒍𝒍! He was my biggest crush growing up. I mean he's stoic, kind-hearted, and gets the job done. He's very much like Robb Stark, Arthur Pendragon and Gally. Tough on the outside, soft on the inside!

𝑯𝒆𝒂𝒅𝒄𝒂𝒏𝒐𝒏𝒔

・You thought he hated you for the longest time. But it was just because on the outside he seems like such a cold person. But inside he was literally in love with you.

・Is your rock. He can calm you even in the most chaotic of times. Even if there was a tornado, he would be level-headed and steady.

・His pet names for you are ‘honey’, ‘darling,’ ‘my love.’ He knows it makes you blush. And he loves making you blush...

・Whenever he opens up to you, it makes you feel so special because you know he hasn’t told anyone about how he really feels

・Always ready to listen to your problems and help sort them out. He knows what to do when you aren’t dealing with things well emotionally, or if you’ve hurt yourself (yeah he knows first aid)

𝑻𝒉𝒆𝒎𝒆 𝑺𝒐𝒏𝒈

Take A Chance On Me by the Midnite String Quartet

𝑹𝒆𝒍𝒂𝒕𝒊𝒐𝒏𝒔𝒉𝒊𝒑 𝑻𝒓𝒐𝒑𝒆𝒔

・ Cheerful Optimist x Grumpy Asshole

・ Moral/Emotional Support

・You fell first but they fall harder

𝑷𝒍𝒐𝒕 𝑻𝒓𝒐𝒑𝒆

Coming of Age

𝑻𝒉𝒆𝒊𝒓 𝒇𝒂𝒗𝒐𝒖𝒓𝒊𝒕𝒆 𝒕𝒉𝒊𝒏𝒈 𝒂𝒃𝒐𝒖𝒕 𝒚𝒐𝒖 How well you know yourself, and how you articulate yourself. You have such a fantastic way of expressing how you feel, and Shang appreciates that. Because some people are so unaware of themselves and how they’re feeling inside.

𝒀𝒐𝒖𝒓 𝒃𝒆𝒔𝒕 𝒇𝒓𝒊𝒆𝒏𝒅 Would be Belle. I think she would admire your hopefulness, and how you see the world. You would both have such brilliant conversations, and I reckon you would have a book club going on without realising it!

𝑾𝒉𝒊𝒄𝒉 𝒄𝒉𝒂𝒓𝒂𝒄𝒕𝒆𝒓 𝒚𝒐𝒖'𝒓𝒆 𝒎𝒐𝒔𝒕 𝒍𝒊𝒌𝒆 A mixture of Ariel, Chip and Piglet. I think you’re very curious and have a child-like innocence about you. You speak your truth and don’t let others get you down.

𝒀𝒐𝒖𝒓 𝒑𝒆𝒕 There was tweeting at your window for hours and hours. You thought it was just another bird, but the noise never ceased. So when you opened your window you saw it there. The little sparrow waiting for you. Now he follows you everywhere you go.

#pair ups #match ups #open

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oceanblueeyesoul · 2 years ago

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Heya! It's me again, may I request a male matchup for Disney (except for Descendants) Thank you so much!

𝗦𝗘𝗫𝗨𝗔𝗟𝗜𝗧𝗬/𝗣𝗥𝗢𝗡𝗢𝗨𝗡𝗦: Biromantic Pansexual and Genderfluid; He/They (though I'm biologically woman irl)

P.S. I resend my info in case it piled down

Hi there, Aerith! I really hope you like this a lot!

Disney Matchup

Your Disney soulmate is...

MILO THATCH!

The two of you would definitely be reading some history books together because the two of you loves to be learning new things together as a team and as a couple as well.

He would make sure that you are included in everything you would like to do within the group and other things you like to do with him as well.

The two of you would definitely be talking to each other with a deep/fun/dumb conservations because you guys like to talk to each other and hear each other's opinions on everything really.

#oceanblueeyesoul #matchups #disney #atlantis the lost empire #milo thatch #milo thatch x reader #disney matchups

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justafairytailofinnocence · 2 years ago

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Heya! It's me again, may I request a male matchup for Disney (except for Descendants), here's my newest version of my info Thank you so much!

𝗦𝗘𝗫𝗨𝗔𝗟𝗜𝗧𝗬/𝗣𝗥𝗢𝗡𝗢𝗨𝗡𝗦: Biromantic Pansexual and Genderfluid; He/They (though I'm biologically woman irl)

Hello dear 💖, thanks for your request.

For disney I ship you with:

Flynn Ryder⚔️

He would first meet you when you were heading on your way to repunzle.

He would be stealing the tiara when you were also an assassin trying to hide from the knights.

You bumped into him and you both ran while introducing yourselves.

Flynn was witty and sarcastic but he wasn't horrible.

He would joke with you and seem flirty.

You met rapunzel along with Flynn, you took her out of town to see the outside.

Rapunzle had feelings for Flynn but he felt more for you.

Flynn and you had your first kiss when he was in the boat with you.

Flynn protected you from the guards and mother gothel.

You were wounded but luckily rapunzle healed you.

Flynn and you wedded when everyone was saved. You both married and lived in the forest to which your child has his eyes and hair (and smolder).

Anyways that's all I have for now:

Ta Ta ✨️

#disney matchup #disney matchups open

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twslug · 1 year ago

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gonna answer all the q's of that one post i rbed like two days ago or something, answers below break if u gaf (really not groundbreaking info)

answers start here:

that i don't have to do a lot of things (both academically and in my personal life) that i don't want to do but pressure myself to do anyway. a lot of things really and truly Do Not matter

isolating myself due to anxiety or aimless frustration that i don't have an outlet for,,, big fan of Being locked in a room for hours

fav self care is skin care/workout and good music, i'm listening to my girly pop playlist post-workout (current song is toxic by nico rosberg aka britney bitch, so just envision these mentally ill answers with fergie and britney and katy perry and rihanna in the background)

most vivid memory is definitely not a visual memory, i've got some memory loss so i don't remember much of anything about my life. HOWEVER i have an echoic memory, so i really latch onto peoples' voices. i looove f1 with all the different accents and languages (lowkey linguistics hpfx) so i can have drivers narrating my thoughts. charles's voice is super imprinted on my brain because he has a very unique (imo) speech cadence and choice of wording in english, same for max (both verstappen and fewtrell), lando, and other random celebrities or youtubers or irls or characters etc etc.

would like to recieve some emotional/social support, was kind of pushed to the side because my brother is more extroverted, better at school, had asthma and ocd and several food allergies, but i was left to my own devices because i was much quieter and in the background.

have always wanted to be able to take academics into my own hands, as per the last answer, i am very quiet irl and have a hard time asking for help so i spend a lot of schooling teaching myself, so i've mastered the ability to put my head down and succeed by myself but at what cost yknow, i cant even speak to professors or other students

apathy. chronic, neverending, borderline infectious apathy. im very stubborn so if my brain has become apathetic about something then you will never get me to care about it, even if i myself want to

rly gets to me when people are mean to people i like, for an f1 example, idk i like a lot of the drivers but seeing people be blatantly mean to them (criticism and affectionate jabs are Fine) really makes me feel upset and/or almost ill, i get rly anxious for some reason like i'm the one being insulted

no i don't cry. not really (back to the playlist, family ties by baby keem just came on TURN THIS SHIT UUUPPP) anyway i dont really cry, lots of apathy, forced to be the quiet kid etc etc

have done lots of improvement on my body image and having confidence in what i say/believe, esecially in a family setting, lots of my problems are from childhood and being overly quiet/shy, so i rly struggle(d) with speaking my mind but now Nobody has anything on me, my moms dad was a county sheriff and i openly rip on cops in front of her like fuccckkk off u made me like this

was very mentally ill at the time (was also during covid, so i was really mentally unwell), and they had their own problems, ended up having a rly toxic relationship. neither of us had redeeming qualities, said some things we shouldn't have, like mutual punching bags

wish i could connect to my new roommates for this upcoming college/university semester, again: very bad at talking to people, maybe it will be better when we all live together (copium)

POLITICS TIME: i get irrationally angry at people who know nothing about the US south, i live here and it pisses me off when most political "hot takes" about american southern conservatism are boiled down to classism and/or racism, drives me fucking insane

i only like affectionate teasing if i know you rly well or the jab isnt something im insecure about, but im a bit of a hypocrite because i playfully insult people all the time, good rule of thumb i follow is just never go for appearance, all makes u look like a dick

prefer to be numb, because even though its one of the worst things to ever happen to my Cranium, i have a really easy time letting things go and not being upset over things i should probably be upset about. its kind of peaceful when u come to terms with it

talent ive overlooked/lost is ,,,,,,, i actually dont know, i think ive honed the things im really good at, i was really good at being a stage manager in school theatre (was assistant director and stage manager for les mis in 10th grade, bitches love my organizational skills), maybe i pick that up again somewhere

call me seb vettel the way i really liked dark blue in the but switched to loving bright bright #ff0000 red, like the brightest u can get... good shit... Also british racing green forever and always

my stuffed animals :-) no harm in keeping them, i suppose

well this ones easy because i dont like talking about infodumping about the innerworkings of my Psyche but here we are, i feel a bit bothersome, hence this entire post being hidden under a page break ..

LAST ONE (current song playing is dancing in the moonlight by king harvest, for those of u following along athome), i believe people think im much kinder than i think i am. if that makes sense. i know the things ive said to other people, about other people, about myself, etc, and i just feel this kind of imposter syndrome whenever people say they think im rly kind or fun to be around because i know deep down i am miserable and evil and nasty... And dont even hit me w that "bad people dont care that theyre bad so u caring makes u not bad" no no no, thats the thing, i dont care . i am Evil... ebil,,,,,, Deomn evil

#SORRY FOR TALKING SO MUCH #twslug.txt #okay goodnight to everyone who read Any of this :-)#and to the rest of u... gn i guess.... wtvr #not f1

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troglobite · 2 years ago

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laskdjflaskdjf

retroactively caveating this: if we're mostly/p much only internet friends, the dynamic is so entirely different that none of this really applies. i'm talking ppl i've known almost my whole life, and/or ppl i know irl and would be meeting w in person if not for ongoing covid.

------

sitting here thinking

realizing some things

previously it felt like the tiny number of friends i had/have were only ever interested in using me for their needs and purposes

previous friend group was always talking about everyone else's problems--for hours, days, weeks on end. nothing ever changing.

when i brought my stuff up it halted the entire conversation

i would complain and get nothing in response.

someone else in the group would, out of the blue, make a big request or set a big boundary and it was no problem

but my small requests, discomforts, and boundaries were always treated as Too Much.

and previously i've always thought--it's partly my fault, partly the fault of all friends i've had, that friends always relied on me and sought my advice and instruction and wanted me to do things for them, but didn't ever want to do things for me.

but i'm also realizing now--

well i mean i sort of have always known as well, but in general people. don't take an interest in the things i'm interested in. they don't want to hear about it or listen to me talk abt it.

my mom is the only person who puts up with my infodumping, and she does her Mom's Best. most of the time i don't feel awful. when i try to stop talking bc i feel annoying sometimes she'll ask a question to keep me talking.

haha okay i'm just crying now??? idk.

anyway. it's nice. i still feel deeply annoying. and it's not bc she treats me that way in those moments, it's bc i know she's not truly interested, and also bc at other times, when she's angry or hurt or triggered by something, her resentment towards me comes out. and so when she's being nice abt my special interests and infodumping, i guess part of me is like. she's being nice, but she's just being nice. bc she loves me and cares abt me. but it is. a kind of emotional chore.

so anyway there's that detour.

point being all those posts online "i love when people infodump at me i love seeing how happy and excited they are i love learning new things"

WHERE ARE YOU FUCKING PEOPLE?! I'VE NEVER MET ONE OF YOU. EVER. IN MY ENTIRE LIFE.

okay another detour over, sorry.

i'm just now thinking. about friends and friendship again.

i get mad when i can help someone and they don't tell me or ask me. or they don't even give me a chance.

i get MAD. i get so panicked and hurt and upset and confused. idk how to describe the feeling. it's. Big.

it's just Big and Loud and Intense.

when i can help someone and they don't let me know they need help, or they refuse my help when i offer, or they don't ask and i have to come in media res to help out after they've already hurt themselves or overextended themselves, when i could be there for someone and they don't reach out.

i get. That Really Big Feeling. and it's bad and i don't like it.

and i'm frustrated and thinking bc like. part of me is someone who can't handle not being able to help people.

i am disabled and poor and my various abilities are very limited. i cannot do a lot of things that would help a lot of people.

it crushes me. i don't like that feeling. nobody does.

and i care so so so deeply abt the ppl i love.

and--

and we're back to this bit where i don't allow myself to get invested in friends and relationships bc again, i've always been Too Much for ppl.

if i msg too often, ask too many things, open up too much, want to hang out too often, want to share everything w them and be close and. it's Too Much.

and being a queer kid, i couldn't be clingy and huggy w my friends bc it was seen as creepy and gay.

i just. didn't get to hug anyone v much. i had to hide and suppress a lot of my affection. both bc i'm queer and autistic, so it always read as Too Much and Weird.

and it's just very weird to go through life most of the time feeling next to nothing abt other people. bc i've shut that off. and if i turned it on and allowed myself to feel i'd just be a mess, constantly, all the time.

bc if i feel those things then it makes it even harder to deal with what got me Thinking in the first place--

that i'm not a priority in any of my friends' lives.

and it's weird and shitty this time bc now, for several months, i am not even the person that any of them turn to first for help.

so my ONE way to be in contact w friends & feel helpful? is not available to me bc i am not a priority--and i'm not in their list of first responders.

i am not number one. i am not anywhere in the top five.

i'm someone they occasionally think about. or only think about in a certain capacity.

mainly, rn, their DM. or the person who offers compliments. or the person who spams the discord like an annoying bastard w stupid things that no one gives a single solitary FUCK about, and so they ignore.

so it's the double whammy

i don't even get to FEEL something about them ~only using me for advice and support~ and never engaging w my interests or offering to support me

bc they're not even asking me for advice or support

and i'm just realizing how little i matter

and how many other people they have who are more immediate, more important, closer to them--who they just plain like more

and i have no way of finding any other friends

and i'm sort of spiraling

i thought i had. The Friend Group. like i was set. i was so excited and--looking back. ha.

part of what began to drive the stake between us was my Too Muchness.

apart from some red flags i was ignoring, it seemed like we were all in for each other. there were so many things we wanted to do! plans we were making!

we went on a vacation together, which was HUGE for me, w my overwhelming fear of road trips (hard to explain, not what immediately comes to mind), general anxiety abt being away from home, and lack of Comfort around ppl other than my mom. and i thought it went really well! it seemed like it!

but then i went to grad school and they thought i was an elitist traitor or something? that i thought i was better than them? i literally don't know bc they never told me or admitted to any of their actions or feelings so i've been left to guesswork to fill in the blanks.

but the other part of it was--

i so wanted. to do all those things with them. they were a top priority for me. they were involved in the way i was planning literally the future, years out ahead in my life. that's how i was thinking abt my future. with them in it.

and i just remember one time we went out to eat (which they forced me to do even though i fucking hated it and just wanted to hang out with them and not spend money or be around other loud people) and at that time they revealed that they had plans to move in together (three of them) and they hadn't told me but they'd told the friend in virginia.

they talked abt being concerned abt that friend in virginia--but not me, off in minnesota.

and they mentioned a summer vacation. and i said oh wow that sounds awesome, i love that place. do you think we could do another trip like last time? would that be possible? or maybe just one like it some other time?

and i was so excited and enthused abt it. ME! EXCITED ABT VACATIONING W PEOPLE OTHER THAN MY FAMILY!

and looking back i can see how offput they were (mainly one of them) w that suggestion. they found it distasteful and were humoring me.

of course, covid hit and everything fell apart, so it never happened. lucky them. they went on many trips together after that. i know bc i haven't unfollowed or blocked all of them on social media. they're not often on it so it doesn't matter too much.

but they've posted abt their other trips together.

including one BEFORE i had "left the group" that they just. didn't tell or ask me about.

but i was Too Much for them.

despite everything--despite putting up with their treatment of me and not even noticing it was wrong or bad--i was so excited to just spend more time w them and build my future plans involving and around them.

and even though THEY were the ones that started it...

me doing it was Too Much.

and now i have this group

and the group has splintered bc three of them roomed together and it went Very Weird

and now there's literal hatred and animosity btwn a couple of them

which has meant that for the first few miss frizzle games, all i got hanging w the ones i'm closer to afterwards was just an endless stream of angry complaints abt the other players--

even when i thought everything was fine and had gone well.

yes, even i get frustrated w those two players sometimes. but this last session went really well and the story's picking up and i'm excited for it. and i just--the things that have made me frustrated. i've gotten over. or i've said something in a funny way to make the complaint/dislike clear so we can laugh abt it and move on and it won't get repeated. and it's worked.

but i'm just.

it used to be that we could all chat in the discord sometimes

then that group fell apart

and then 3 of them were like "hey let's make our own server and hang out there"

and it was good for a while

and now it's radio silent, same as before

a few memes or tiktoks

but i'm the one in there most of the time

trying to start conversations and share things

and getting no response

and they're all going through shit, i know

but only loosely

because none of them fucking talk to me

i was called a best friend by one of them and now i'm not even on the list of ppl to inform abt her life. to complain to. to chat w. for months now.

and honestly i'm just so sad and tired and lonely over never having any responses to anything i put in the discord that i just--

i know they're all tired and overwhelmed. i know.

so i don't reach out asking abt that stuff.

if they wanted to complain to me or get my support, they would ask.

and i know that bc that's how it's been in the past.

but they're all in their own spaces and places w their own ppl who are. more enmeshed in their lives. more important. more everything.

and i'm just the annoying shithead who's like 5-6 years older than them just posting stupid shit in the discord for them to ignore.

and one of them bailed 15 mins before our miss frizzle game this past sunday, after having told me they could come and play. i also had set the expectation that ppl tell me if they can't make it w a few days' heads up, bc i need to be able to prepare. we could survive a couple ppl missing a class/game session here or there, it would be okay. and obviously shit happens last minute, so that's fine.

and i absolutely understand that they're going through the Pits of Depression Hell, rn.

but i only get it vaguely bc they don't talk to me. i am not an important or close friend.

i'm not saying that to insult them or myself. it's just true. i am not an important or close friend, for them.

but i asked them--on the off chance--if they might want to sit in on the session, since this "class" was going to be two gaming sessions, and if they could make it to the next one, i'd want them to know what was going on or lemme know any choices they made.

and i said either way, we'd just retcon that their character was there, no problem.

their response sounded. so fucking mad at me. "god i'm fucking sorry i went back to sleep. he's [the PC] basically plant life it's fine"

i didn't say

"hey fuck you for not showing up"

i asked if they'd wanna sit in the group and observe

partly bc sometimes sleeping curled up in a depression pit makes things worse, and partly just so it was easier for them to rejoin in the next session.

bc like. reading an entire game session summary is also a lot. and these players. have a hard time reading ANYTHING i send them. they do it. they manage it. just enough. oddly, the players i anticipated having the most trouble w that are the ones doing the best--my expectations have been flipped.

but i figured sitting in the zoom room might be vaguely entertaining background noise (w camera & mic off!) and they could pick up next session easier, and maybe being around ppl they generally like would be a little bit of a pickmeup.

but instead my question/offer was seen as. angry? needling? judgmental? idfk.

my response was me pretending nothing was wrong bc they had voiced nothing to indicate that anything WAS wrong, and i'm having to work on not interpreting things from ppl when they haven't communicated anything to me. if someone is upset w me or if i hurt them, they HAVE TO TELL ME or i cannot do anything abt it. it's not fair to either of us to expect me to psychically divine every time something is wrong.

and they responded in kind.

but i'm just like.

what the fuck?

you don't talk to me. you don't respond to anything i say. you said, before this campaign ever began, that you "just want a campaign that actually happens"

and then 15 mins before the game you bail--when i have to calculate and balance encounters for a certain number of players AHEAD OF TIME. when i have to spent a lot of time preparing roleplay scenes and information to give your character.

so i'm kind of scrambling, yeah, and hoping that maybe you'll sit in on the session--NOT PLAY! NOT TALK! NOT ANYTHING TO DO WITH PARTICIPATING AT ALL SOCIALLY OR IN THE GAME!--so that it's easier for BOTH OF US to prepare for the next session

because now i have to type up a whole game summary to fill them in on what they missed

assuming, of course, that they don't bail on the next game 15 mins beforehand

i just. i understand that things happened.

but i quite literally went into the discord w just the 3 of them who were like "let's all be friends in here!" and then proceeded to fucking ignore me

and i said basically--

'hey what's the vibe? how are y'all feeling abt the campaign and playing in it, rn? bc i'd be fine hitting pause until y'all felt more ready to participate. we could do oneshots and jackbox game sessions, instead, for a few weeks or a couple months, and then jump right back in. bc i have this campaign literally outlined through to the end, so we WILL complete it. we're NOT bailing on it. lol but we could hit pause if need be. bc this game is a lot of work, and i want y'all to be there in such a way that you can enjoy it. i don't want y'all to miss out or not be present mind-wise. so if we need to hit pause, let's do that.'

and to be clear, no one had communicated ANYTHING to me.

but that was sort of the point.

radio silence.

how am i supposed to interpret that? what am i supposed to do with that, except infer that i should ask them how things are going?

they won't talk to me about their lives, maybe they'll fucking talk to me about this game that THEY wanted to happen. that THEY are invested in. that THEY requested have a large, overarching story and lots of roleplay.

no one directly engaged w anything i said. they both responded abt the upcoming game, and that was it. said they'd check in by friday.

i had to remind them and ask explicitly to get a response friday at like 5 fucking pm

and if that doesn't say it all abt where their priorities are right now

which--

WOULD BE FUCKING FINE

IF THEY WOULD JUST FUCKING TALK TO ME

but they don't and won't.

and here i sit capable of only feeling so many emotions.

if they're (the one who responded as such above) mad at me for being too "businesslike" abt the game, despite me not being a dick abt it and saying it was fine either way, then i'm sorry

but maybe try actually fucking talking to me AT ALL abt ANYTHING OTHER THAN THE GAME so that way it actually feels like maybe we're friends

instead of me being an unpaid DM doing a LOT of fucking work for a group of people who don't particularly care abt me or my wellbeing or the work i'm putting in

and who have lives and friends and family and other shit that's infinitely more important than me

and to circle back around, part of the reason i was so. baffled and confused--and i didn't even have the space or capacity to process and feel that at first--by the angry response to my offer/question

is because

if it's that bad

why are you isolating away from me?

i can't DO anything for you if you don't talk to me! if you don't fucking say anything!

i'm trying to reach out these stupid little branches for fun little moments of conversation and goofiness and what have you

and just. no takers. no response. no nothing.

and idk what their life is like bc they don't talk to me.

none of the three really talk to me.

and forget the other three players, i NEVER talk to them. i am just someone who DMs for them.

they don't ask abt my life or anything. we don't talk abt it.

i don't have a friend group.

i have a group of people, half of whom claim that i am their friend and do nothing to demonstrate it, that i DM for and work my ass of for, and i get nothing in return.

i just wanted them to have fun.

and this last session went so well

but that's it. that's all the time i have to talk to these ppl.

my requests that we hang out more--forgotten for weeks, so i don't bring it up again. bc i have ALWAYS been the one asking.

only to find out, every time throughout my life, that they were all hanging out without me anyway. that i'm just annoying.

i'm Too Much. they don't like me. they don't want me.

and when they do, it's just for advice or support or to use me for something, like DMing.

that's it.

and when we talk abt the game i get excited bc i work so hard on it and i care abt it so much and this is my FIRST TIME EVER DMing for a longform campaign

i have so many hundreds of pages written, so many maps made, so many characters and plots and stories to keep track of

because they asked me to

an option for this campaign was for it to be a monster of the week type thing. no overarching plot. no outer worlds. just a new class each week, everything's fine, then the class ends, end of campaign.

but they wanted an overarching story. and i made it. really big. and, i hope, really cool. really interesting and exciting to try and figure out. something that they'll have fun pulling apart, that will be compelling when it's revealed--all of its itinerant pieces revealed and explained, one by one, over the course of the campaign.

and i just.

want friends.

period.

but also, friends with whom i can get really excited abt this campaign.

and i offered to pause the campaign so everyone could rejoin properly.

and so far the one who bailed 15 mins before--btw, going through diff med changes which are ALWAYS difficult, and didn't fucking think to tell me until i'd had to explicitly ask abt attendance and scheduling like a fucking pain in the ass HR manager or teacher scolding them--has said nothing abt it.

bc they just don't fucking talk to me.

but clearly they need the time as well

and what, they think that despite the fact that i have the entire campaign outlined, that i'll bail on it?

meanwhile the three i was worried abt bailing on the game are fully in, and the three who claimed to be completely in and want this most are not able to be in it, right now. and won't communicate that to me.

i mean to be fair it's really only two of them at the moment.

but now i'm just going down this whole again where i get worked up about the campaign.

but i'm just. realizing. that part of the anger and frustration--which i have to emphasize is not AT any of them--is bc.

they don't need/want me as a friend.

i am not important outside of the game.

and now the game is not even in their top 5 priorities--and i understand why.

but now it's like

they don't ask me for help or support

they don't care abt the things i say

they don't want to have fun conversations or times with me

and they can't be there for this game that i am working so fucking hard on for them

i am making this game for them.

it's really, REALLY hard for my brain to do this. i can't judge if i'm saying too much or not enough. if i'm making something disappointing and boring. i can't tell if they're actually enjoying it, or if the few of them who say "that was fun, thanks, beck!" are humoring me or if they really mean it.

i can't tell if this is exciting and cool. if they like the NPCs. if they like the other PCs and the roleplaying. if they see the mystery. if they're invested.

i can't tell.

and i get little hints that, maybe they are?

and so i worry i'm just in my head abt this, that i'm making this game for me.

i want to have fun, too.

but all of the things i'm doing--i'm doing bc they asked me to.

i offered a miss frizzle game.

i decided i needed to make the world for it.

i asked them what they wanted from the game

and after a lot of fucking pestering they FINALLY told me what they wanted (bc it took them forever to fill out a 4 question survey where the answer could be "nope i'm good!" to basically all the fucking questions, takes 5 mins at most)

and i took that to heart

and i built a world and a plan and a campaign around that

i worked to find ways to connect everything to each of their characters

i've put so much into this

and i'm just

feeling really confused and conflicted

bc no one wants me.

they maybe want me as a DM. maybe.

and that requires. so much work on my part.

and i don't get. any actual friendship from them.

i don't even get to help them with their problems or talk to them abt stuff. i don't even get that anymore.

i feel annoying trying to talk abt the game between sessions. like i'm annoying all of them.

and i just--

this is part of why i resent being told to reach out and be interested in other people

they find me annoying and creepy and Too Much

bc i love other people

as much as i say i hate them

i hate them bc they hate me

i wanted to just read my book and go to fucking sleep early tonight and instead i've been sitting here for an hour crying and typing this up.

and for what?

it changes nothing.

and then fuck me, too, for the times when i'm too tired to want to be engage in a full conversation.

or i'm wary of replying too quickly to something bc what if i'm being annoying or overwhelming?

worrying with every message i send that i've done something wrong. bc isn't that always the case?

and so i want to respond when i feel good enough to respond w the right tone and it's not forced or fake.

bc i guess i'm still trying to perform the interesting agreeable cool funny friend

even talking abt problems i don't talk abt anything that someone can't relate to at all.

and things in my life are so nebulous and weird anyway.

no one could "offer support", right, so why do i even want or miss it?

it's just stupid. i'm tired of being 28 fucking years old and still having to deal with shit like this.

and all those "life gets better in your 30s"

do you SEE the world?

i'll be lucky if i even make it to 40.

not even by my own hand. just everything else.

"there's always time to start what you wanna do"

that's a nice sentiment. it's even true a lot of the time.

when there's not a pandemic. when you have money. and friends. and opportunities and options in front of you. and no disabilities.

i'm just being stupid and shitty and negative now.

but i sort of resent anything that makes me feel fulfilled or alive rn bc then the crash back to earth hurts even worse.

the absence of everything else the majority of the time feels even worse.

and i'm not going to talk to ANY of them abt this bc what would be the point?

they're not in a place to handle a conversation like that w any grace. i'm not even MAD at them! they haven't deliberately done anything wrong, they're just struggling! a lot!

and last time i tried to have a conversation abt things that i was worried abt or hurt by or just wanted to clear up, everything imploded around me and i ended up ghosted and abandoned and blamed for everything.

shit's already empty and absent enough without me throwing dynamite at it and making it worse.

it's just that normally the effort i put into a friendship is immaterial.

but now i'm DMing this game and the effort is very material.

and now i'm feeling it more accutely.

and i can't do anything abt it.

i just.

hanging out w friends makes me feel better. and i KNOW that's the case for most people.

and here i am, trying to make that happen in a low stakes way just talking in discord.

and still nothing.

just.

nothing.

i'm a bad person for trying. for asking. for wanting.

i can't help if i don't know, if they don't tell me.

but they don't want me to ask. bc they don't respond to anything i say, at this point.

enough to know they're alive. and that's abt it.

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sehnsuchts-trunken · 2 years ago

Note

Hello, call me Aerith can I have a male matchup for Merlin? (I rewrote my info to make it neat and match me with two characters if you want:))

𝗦𝗘𝗫𝗨𝗔𝗟𝗜𝗧𝗬/𝗣𝗥𝗢𝗡𝗢𝗨𝗡𝗦: Biromantic Pansexual and Genderfluid; He/They (though I'm biologically woman irl)

𝗔𝗣𝗣𝗘𝗔𝗥𝗔𝗡𝗖𝗘: 20 years old, 5'1", Southeast Asian. Chubby with brunette bob cut hair, chocolate brown eyes, and a small beauty mark on my forehead. My style is in between soft grunge and soft punk (not a big fan of dress except for occasions) but loves to wear Korean makeup style

𝗣𝗘𝗥𝗦𝗢𝗡𝗔𝗟𝗜𝗧𝗬: Muggleborn Ravenclaw with a patronous spirit of Hummingbird, an INFJ (last time I checked at MBTI test), my enneagram is 4w5 and my moral alignment is Neutral Good. I may have a slight introverted tendencies and awkward nature, I describe myself as fiery, swears like a sailor, confident, jokester, and, passionate. Religious, super talkative, sometimes hyper (because of excitement), giggly (I always laugh/snort for stupid reasons), nerdy, actually sweet and nice though I can be aloof, intimidating, and scary when I get so angry. I tend to become really fiesty, stands boldly on what I believe (claiming myself as a realist though some of my views doesn't makes sense), and unbothered to be true to myself, clumsy, stubborn, young-at-heart, unfortunate and inattentive. Would have "no bs" or don't give af towards the people that I hate, sarcasam and savagery is my main language. But on the other side, I overthink a lot and cry over small things many times, small mistakes leads me to provoke me even more that sounds like a drama queen, yet recognizes a soft spot for dumb jokes, cheesy pickup lines and prefer people with a good sense of humour who see myself as equal. Chill in academics, but very competitive that manages to the top even for my dreams---I'm very dedicated on what I want for my life, and I display modesty and gracefulness towards some people that deserves respect. One notable feature about her is her multi-potentiality due to being naturally gifted in artistic fields (this includes singing).

𝗜𝗡𝗧𝗘𝗥𝗘𝗦𝗧𝗦: Arts, choir, poetry, karaoke, literature, history, makeup, beauty pageants, fun/deep/dumb conversations, expanding my knowledge in Christianity, documentaries (about saints), reading interesting stuffs, talking about social issues, and creative writing, chilling both indoors and outdoors.

𝗛𝗢𝗕𝗕𝗜𝗘𝗦: Drawing, singing, dancing when nobody's around (I'm very bad at it), sharing nerdy or opinionated thoughts, walking like a model (if I ever feel so confident), sleeping, listening to music (from rock to kpop), chatting or browsing on social media, watching videos on YouTube, making terrible jokes/puns, watching cartoons, writing, reading interesting things, and conceptualizing my artworks. I also used to study Italian language a bit

hello hun, ofc you can have a matchup! two for merlin, to go

I ship you with...

Gwaine!

- He’s definitely the most hilarious person you’ve ever met and he loves how you can almost match him with your humour. He’s always there for you and always does his best to distract you when you’re down, especially because he knows you cry easily. I’d say you swear even more than him, which isn’t easy, but every time you’re on one of your “cursing streaks” he’s just ridiculously enamoured by it.

- Even though he likes having something to do, somehow you can put him at ease no problem and make him relax. Which isn’t to say that he won’t go batshit crazy whenever you sing and dance (he’ll always join in - he doesn’t care if you’re good or bad at dancing, but if you’d like him to, I’m sure he’d teach you). The first time he heard you sing, he was just completely starstruck, and I imagine every time he hears you he still has the biggest grin on his face.

- He’ll steal your drawings or writing right from under your nose, holding it up high and reading it or looking at it only to compliment how great you are at it. Yeah, he likes to tease you, but he’d never miss an opportunity to tell you how much he loves you and what you do. Also, he’s pretty small in comparison to the other knights, so that you’re even smaller than him he would absolutely take advantage of. He can’t usually keep someone from reaching something just by holding it up high, but he certainly can for you. He knows his limits though.

- Last but not least he’d definitely let you do his makeup. Like. If you want to try anything, he’ll sit there and let you try it on him.

also,

I ship you with...

Lancelot!

- Lancelot is literally the sweetest, most caring guy there is. I believe that despite being someone who’s travelled and lived through a lot and doesn’t mind doing the work, he really does enjoy just relaxing with you and doing something like reading. I just have this mental image of simply the two of you cuddling, maybe him kissing your head, as he reads a book and you read yours or you write or you draw...

- You could also talk about anything and everything with him. First of all, he always is there for you if you need a shoulder to cry on, if you’re getting emotional or just need to vent. But in general, he just loves talking to you! He loves hearing about what interests and excites you and he’ll gladly reciprocate. He’s fascinated by how much knowledge you have, how you have no problem accurately discussing things, no matter if they’re silly hypothetical things or actual important issues.

- Honestly, I feel like Lancelot would really be surprised every time again and just as enamoured by how confident and bold and fierce you are. When you stand up for yourself, when you fight back, he’ll just raise his eyebrows and smile and keep silent while you annihilate whatever person dared to treat you wrong. Like, he’d do it for you because he’s certainly just as angry, he’s fuming inside, but he knows that you’re well able to do it yourself and that you really like to, so he watches you quietly and simply acts as moral support.

- He, too, would absolutely love to teach you how to dance though. Personally I believe he has had Gwaine teach him before too, because there’s no way this man knew how to dance before he became a knight. But like, now that he can, he’d really like dancing with you as well.

#matchups #merlin #merlin matchups #bbc merlin #x reader #lancelot #gwaine #sir lancelot #sir gwaine

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enchantedlandcoffee · 2 years ago

Note

Hi! Call me Aerith, may I join the ask game with the fandom Heartstopper?

𝗦𝗘𝗫𝗨𝗔𝗟𝗜𝗧𝗬/𝗣𝗥𝗢𝗡𝗢𝗨𝗡𝗦: Biromantic Pansexual and Genderfluid; He/They (though I'm biologically woman irl)

𝗔𝗣𝗣𝗘𝗔𝗥𝗔𝗡𝗖𝗘: 20 years old, 5'1", Southeast Asian. Chubby with messy shoulder length brunette hair, chocolate brown eyes, and a small beauty mark on my forehead. My style is in between soft grunge and soft punk (not a big fan of dress except for occasions) but loves to wear Korean makeup style

𝗣𝗘𝗥𝗦𝗢𝗡𝗔𝗟𝗜𝗧𝗬: Muggleborn Ravenclaw with a patronous spirit of Hummingbird, an INFJ (last time I checked at MBTI test), my enneagram is 4w5 and my moral alignment is Neutral Good. I may have a slight introverted tendencies and awkward/anxious nature, I describe myself as fiery, swears like a sailor, confident, jokester, and, passionate. Religious, super talkative, sometimes hyper (because of excitement), giggly (I always laugh/snort for stupid reasons), nerdy, also sweet and nice though I can be aloof, intimidating, and scary when I get so angry. I tend to become really fiesty, stands boldly on what I believe (claiming myself as a realist though some of my views doesn't makes sense), unhinged to be myself, stubborn, young-at-heart, clumsy unfortunate and inattentive. Would don't give af towards the people that I hate, sarcasam and savagery is my main language. But on the other side, I overthink a lot and cry over small things many times which I sound like a drama queen, and a perfectionist that provokes even more, yet recognizes a soft spot for dumb jokes, cheesy pickup lines and prefer people with a good sense of humour who see myself as equal. Chill in academics, but very competitive that manages to the top even for my dreams---I'm very dedicated on what I want for my life, and I display modesty and gracefulness towards some people that deserves respect. One notable feature about her is her multi-potentiality due to being naturally gifted in artistic fields (this includes singing).

𝗛𝗢𝗕𝗕𝗜𝗘𝗦: Drawing, singing, dancing when nobody's around (I'm very bad at it), sharing nerdy or opinionated thoughts, walking like a model (if I ever feel so confident), sleeping, listening to music (from rock to kpop), chatting or browsing on social media, watching videos on YouTube, making terrible jokes/puns, watching cartoons, writing, cooking, reading interesting things, and conceptualizing my artworks. I also used to study Italian language a bit

Thanks for the ask 💞I hope you like it

I think that you would be good friends with Tao, Isaac and Charlie (more Tao than any of the others) and later on Nick when he joins the group. You get on well with the girls once you’re introduced to them through Elle.

You bond with Elle over drawing and Darcy over the singing and dancing. Often times, the group would find you and Isaac in a corner reading or discussing your favourite books.

#heartstopper #sookie's game #sookie celebrates 100 followers

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blockgamepirate · 4 years ago

Text

You know what, I’m gonna talk about the Red Festival AGAIN

And yes I’m going in full Techno apologist mode here, just skip this post if you don’t wanna hear it.

I just wanna point out that nobody seems to be recognising that the Red Festival as a traumatic event for Techno? I know, it was more traumatic to Tubbo and it was also really traumatic to Tommy, and probably also Wilbur. But are we seriously just gonna ignore Techno?

Yeah, he didn’t act like a traumatised person is “supposed” to act, he laughed and joked and brushed it off. But he was genuinely terrified on that podium, and he obviously felt powerless and alone and under an immense amount of pressure. And yeah he starts laughing when he notices that Sclatt and Quackity died too, but like... that’s such an understandable reaction, actually? (I mean it was also more of an irl reaction than a roleplay reaction but even within the roleplay it makes sense that he would just start laughing manically, because the situation is absurd, because the pressure is suddenly gone and because he’s realising that he has one of the most powerful weapons on the server in his hands.) So he takes the opportunity to shoot at the crowd and escape.

And he’s not dealing with what happened, he probably doesn’t even think much about it because he’s a warrior and he’s focusing on the task at hand and on getting back to his allies.

But then he gets to Pogtopia and is greeted with anger, fear and paranoia. And he has to deal with seeing Tubbo shaking and in shock. He reacts by getting defensive because he doesn’t want to deal with any of it. Not a good reaction to have, but it’s absolutely an understandable one, because now he’s being threatened with getting kicked out and losing his comrades. Wilbur is acting bizarre and egging Tommy against him while also claiming that he forgives him, but also implying that he thinks Techno is a traitor. Tommy is just angry. Niki is terrified. Tubbo is still in shock.

Finally Tubbo does forgive him, being the one reasonable person in the room (well, the ravine), which gives him some relief, but then Wilbur still pushes him and Tommy into dueling, and Techno thinks that maybe if he lets Tommy let out his anger, he’ll feel better and they can resolve the issue (he actually says as much on his next stream), since Tubbo already forgave him and Wilbur doesn’t seem to care. But of course that’s not how it goes, the pit doesn’t make anything better at all. And so Techno says the famous line.

And I feel like people ignore the context in which that line as said. And that maybe, JUST MAYBE, Techno wasn’t actually feeling his best at the time? And was maybe feeling angry, hurt and defensive and unwilling to deal with his own emotions?

I don’t think he was aware of that himself, I get the sense that he himself probably thought he was keeping a cool head while Tommy was being irrational and emotional. But he really just went full edgelord there and I don’t think it was because he was rationally voicing his beliefs.

He wasn’t the one who suggested the pit duel in the first place, he had been trying to explain himself with words and he wasn’t being heard.

And I don’t think this was intentional, but his next stream is him retreating into the nether to mine gold for golden apples for the entire stream, it’s the one where he says “There’s nothing good in the overworld. Only pain, misery and governments are in the overworld.“ Which I know is a joke, don’t get me wrong. But man does it hit hard all the same. He also talks about maybe having to fight the goverment alone in the end.

And the thing is, I kinda feel like maybe he didn’t even realise how hurt he felt about that whole thing until the Doomsday, literally right in the middle of the argument with Tommy. Even when Tommy brought it up, he kept trying to brush it off, didn’t seem to want to engage with it. But Tommy kept pushing the issue and accusing Techno. And that’s when Techno snaps and suddenly the feelings of betrayal come out, the fact that Wilbur and Tommy just watched in the sidelines as he was struggling to think of what to do. That they left him alone, surrounded by enemies, just like Tommy did again in the ruins of the Community House the day before.

Look, I’m not even blaming Tommy for the Red Festival thing, he was listening to Wilbur as Wilbur told him to stand back. And he was upset and emotional and not thinking straight when he attacked Techno. I don’t blame Tommy for that, even though he absolutely jumped into the wrong conclusions. I do blame Wilbur a bit more, although I think Wilbur was probably just assuming that Techno could handle himself and didn’t need help. And yeah yeah, he was already having a mental breakdown and everything, but he really did make the entire situation so much worse than it needed to be, and outright encouraged the discord between Tommy and Tubbo and Techno. (He also didn’t tell Techno about the TNT ahead of time which is pretty bad honestly.)

(With the Community House scene... it’s complicated because of all the conflicting needs and emotions, but Tommy really did just completely ditch Techno there.)

#technoblade #dream smp #wilbur soot critical #tommyinnit critical #just to cover my ass #idk

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dearestones · 2 years ago

Text

Hetalia Matchup: China

Warnings: Fluff.

@aeriscallanga Request: Hello can I have a Hetalia romantic male matchup?

𝗦𝗘𝗫𝗨𝗔𝗟𝗜𝗧𝗬/𝗣𝗥𝗢𝗡𝗢𝗨𝗡𝗦: Biromantic Pansexual and Genderfluid; He/They (though I'm biologically woman irl)

𝗣𝗘𝗥𝗦𝗢𝗡𝗔𝗟𝗜𝗧𝗬: Muggleborn Ravenclaw with a patronous spirit of Hummingbird, an INFJ (last time I checked at MBTI test), my enneagram is 4w5 and my moral alignment is Neutral Good. I may have a slight introverted tendencies and awkward nature, I describe myself as fiery, swears like a sailor, confident, jokester, and, passionate. Religious, super talkative, sometimes hyper (because of excitement), giggly (I always laugh for stupid reasons), nerdy, actually sweet and nice though I can be aloof, intimidating, and scary when I get so angry. I tend to become really fiesty, stands boldly on what I believe (claiming myself as a realist though some of my views doesn't makes sense), and unbothered to be true to myself, clumsy, stubborn, hopeless romantic, young-at-heart, unfortunate and inattentive. I have "no bs" towards the people that I hate, sarcasam and savagery is my main language. But on the other side, I overthink a lot and cry over small things many times, small mistakes leads me to provoke me even more that sounds like a drama queen, yet recognizes a soft spot for dumb jokes, cheesy pickup lines and prefer people with a good sense of humour who see myself as equal. Chill in academics, but very competitive that manages to the top even for my dreams---I'm very dedicated on what I want for my life, and I display modesty and gracefulness towards some people that deserves respect. One notable feature about her is her multi-potentiality due to being naturally gifted in artistic fields (this includes singing).

𝗜��𝗧𝗘𝗥𝗘𝗦𝗧𝗦: Arts, choir, poetry, karaoke, literature, history, makeup, beauty pageants, fun/deep/dumb conversations, expanding my knowledge in Christianity, documentaries (about saints), reading interesting stuffs, talking about social issues, and creative writing, chilling both indoors and outdoors.

𝗛𝗢𝗕𝗕𝗜𝗘𝗦: Drawing, singing, dancing when nobody's around (I'm very bad at it), sharing nerdy or opinionated thoughts, walking like a model (if I ever feel so confident), sleeping, listening to music (from rock to kpop), chatting or browsing on social media, watching videos on YouTube, making terrible jokes/puns, watching cartoons, writing, reading interesting things, and conceptualizing my artworks. I also used to study Italian language a bit

After going through your description, I think you pair well with China!

China is also a short person, especially in comparison to his fellow Nations, but he finds that your cute height is just enough for him! He’ll constantly dote after you and will place tiny little butterfly kisses over your beauty mark on your head.

He doesn’t do grunge, often preferring a comfortable style associated with older men or plain business casual, but he finds that your aesthetic really pairs well with your personality.

What China truly loves about your personality is that you’re always yourself. You never refrain from expressing your true feelings and he finds himself in silent awe at just how emotive you can get. As a Nation, he often finds his hands tied when it comes to his government and his intervention in foreign policies, so to see someone who has far more freedom than him is somewhat of a gift and a novelty.

Unlike some other people, China relishes in the many facets of your personality. The ups and downs of introversion, outburst, swearing, etc. are all so fascinating to him. He’s a being with over four thousand years of experience under his belt. To find a lover, he needs to find someone who can effortlessly keep him on his toes and you more than fit the bill.

He’s also very competitive at heart (have you seen him go head to head with America as the next global superpower?) and will love to give you a challenge if you ever feel so inclined. He will literally challenge you to anything, even if it has nothing to do with academics.

Speaking of academics, he’s a firm believer that education will set you far in life. When he sees that you have your own goals and ways of achieving them, he finds himself pleased. He likes people who are decisive and know what they want out of life.

Furthermore, China absolutely loves the plethora of interests and hobbies that you have. Again, he’s an older Nation, so he’s probably seen and heard of everything before. He’ll more than likely be able to keep up with your conversations and even recommend or push you to seek out more hobbies that are related to your old ones. He’s a fan of your singing and finds it soothing.

Please sing him to sleep. He’s an old man, his joints are aching, and life gets too hard sometimes. He needs the motivation to sleep.

Anyway, China will give you a grounded balance to your vivacious, authentic nature. He may act like an old man too much at times, but really, he’s just teasing you. Don’t worry, you can tease him right back.

If you want to donate a Ko-Fi, feel free https://ko-fi.com/devintrinidad.

HETALIA AXIS POWERS/WORLD SERIES MASTERLIST

#hetalia #hetalia axis powers #hetalia world series #hetalia china #aph china #hws china #hetalia matchup #character matchup #hetalia china matchup #aph china matchup #hws china matchup #dearestones #devintrinidad

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lonleywriters-blog · 2 years ago

Note

Hello can I have a Riverdale male matchup?

𝗦𝗘𝗫𝗨𝗔𝗟𝗜𝗧𝗬/𝗣𝗥𝗢𝗡𝗢𝗨𝗡𝗦: Biromantic Pansexual and Genderfluid; He/They (though I'm biologically woman irl)

𝗣𝗘𝗥𝗦𝗢𝗡𝗔𝗟𝗜𝗧𝗬: Muggleborn Ravenclaw with a patronous spirit of Hummingbird, an INFJ (last time I checked at MBTI test), my enneagram is 4w5 and my moral alignment is Neutral Good. I may have a slight introverted tendencies and awkward nature, I describe myself as fiery, swears like a sailor, confident, jokester, and, passionate. Religious, super talkative, sometimes hyper (because of excitement), giggly (I always laugh for stupid reasons), nerdy, actually sweet and nice though I can be aloof, intimidating, and scary when I get so angry. I tend to become really fiesty, stands boldly on what I believe (claiming myself as a realist though some of my views doesn't makes sense), and unbothered to be true to myself, clumsy, stubborn, hopeless romantic, young-at-heart, unfortunate and inattentive. I have "no bs" towards the people that I hate, sarcasam and savagery is my main language. But on the other side, I overthink a lot and cry over small things many times, small mistakes leads me to provoke me even more that sounds like a drama queen, yet recognizes a soft spot for dumb jokes, cheesy pickup lines and prefer people with a good sense of humour who see myself as equal. Chill in academics, but very competitive that manages to the top even for my dreams---I'm very dedicated on what I want for my life, and I display modesty and gracefulness towards some people that deserves respect. One notable feature about her is her multi-potentiality due to being naturally gifted in artistic fields (this includes singing).

𝗛𝗢𝗕𝗕𝗜𝗘𝗦: Drawing, singing, dancing when nobody's around (I'm very bad at it), sharing nerdy or opinionated thoughts, walking like a model (if I ever feel so confident), sleeping, listening to music (from rock to kpop), chatting or browsing on social media, watching videos on YouTube, making terrible jokes/puns, watching cartoons, writing, reading interesting things, and conceptualizing my artworks. I also used to study Italian language a bit

You are very cool and I think you would be good with

I think they both would be great with you. They would love your style and they way you act. Betty is also very religious and sweet. Jughead can be aggressive but he is commonly sweet he also adores your style. Betty would love to watch documentaries with you. Jughead would try to walk like a model and embarrass himself with Betty.

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coolfire333 · 3 years ago

Text

More addison thoughts (+ a bit on Spamton)

Pink: everyone seems to love them, and honestly I can see why. We probably get to know them the best out of all the addisons, so there’s also that to contribute to their popularity. Own-flavor tea is actually a really cool product, I could see a lot of people being interested in buying that irl. The relationship shoes is also a funny idea. And they have a cute haircut, I like the ponytail :)

I like that little laugh they do when they’re making their sales pitch to Noelle and Kris, I like picturing them trying to do a really cheesy fake French accent when they’re trying to sell the dating shoes. They also seem pretty dramatic, just look at what they say when you tell them you’re not interested in buying tea. I also nearly forgot that they’re the cotton candy vendor too! What an entrepreneur, they must be busy if it really is the same pink addison selling all of those things.

I still find it really sketchy that they’re selling the freezering, I’ve already talked about how weird that is in other posts but I gotta mention it again. It gives me the impression that they’re extremely ambitious, to the point of being a bit pushy. Kinda like Spamton. Wonder if that’s why they have the most angry reaction to Spamton’s fame.

Blue: what a good soul, they actually went to check in on Spamton, and out of all of the addisons they seem to have the least hard feelings about him. Basically, they seem nice. I said in my thoughts on pink that pink was the addison we get the best sense of during the game, but it’s honestly really close between them and blue

They also offer free samples and , that’s more generous than the kinds of tactics the other addisons use to get sales. Why are they giving free samples of shoes like that though? Why do they have the impression that people eat shoes??

Orange: underappreciated! I dunno, I have a soft spot for them. They seem kinda silly. They straight up scam you with the mannequin. The others don’t actually sell their weird products (except pink’s tea, but that’s useful) but orange just rips you off. Well, the mannequin is arguably useful in Spamton neo’s fight, but they basically are selling you junk and I find that really funny

I can’t tell if it’s out of ignorance (maybe they have no idea how clothing for lightners works??) or embarrassment (they need to get rid of their mistake asap so they’re just not gonna mention the details about that dress) or if they’re purposefully trying to scam you, but yeah they sell you a bad deal lol

I also love that their hair is just...weird to figure out. Pink has a ponytail, yellow’s is short and spiky, blue’s hair is soft and wavy-looking, but I’ve seen like a million different interpretations of orange. I’ve seen them drawn with a shorter version of blue’s haircut, with chin-length hair and a half-bun, even a time or two where they were slightly balding. Really love that nobody seems to have a consensus on what’s going on

Also, along with pink, they’re the only addison that doesn’t have a double at the trash zone? Everyone seems to remember the two yellows, but there are actually two of blue as well! Pink is shown selling different things (tea, shoes/rings, and cotton candy), so maybe even though they aren’t shown in the same place, there are more than one pink addison as well?

There could be two oranges since in two different areas of the city you see two oranges, one of them that doesn’t sell anything and just talks about being an addison, and then the dress seller. But they never appear on the same screen together, so maybe they’re the same orange.

Maybe all addisons of the same color are just the same addison, and they can teleport/duplicate themselves across different areas to sell their products more effectively. Like some kind of same-color addison hivemind. Or maybe there are many addisons of the same color and they’re just separate people. No idea how this works.

Yellow: seriously what is up with them. You never see them anywhere else except at the trash zone after fighting neo, what are they doing this whole time? They obviously know the other addisons and Spamton well enough to come to the addison funeral, but why aren’t they selling stuff in the city?

Are they like a travelling salesman? Did they go off on a business trip and one of the other addisons called them to tell them about Spamton? They know a whole lot of information about Spamton’s past, so it’s not like they’ve been totally out of the loop

Maybe they’re watching customers everywhere in order to get the data that the other addisons can use to personalize their sales. It’s really weird that they show up nowhere else, but I’m glad that they’re getting their fair share of attention from the fandom too

Spamton: I always think of that image with the gender select being “male” “female” “nonbinary” but there’s a fourth “business” option, and basically that’s where Spamton and the addisons fall into.

But “business” is kind of where it ends for the addisons. They’re all just like “we’re addisons! You can use they/them for us. We’re salesmen :^)” except for Spamton. I think that it would be interesting for Spamton to be the only addison who’s kind of like “yeah I’m an addison, I’m ok with using they/them, but use he/him for me too! I’m not a salesMAN for nothing, I put the ‘man’ in there on purpose!”

Although it’s a lonely thought that all of the addisons are nonbinary except for Spamton, him being the only man in the group. Like, I’m sure the addisons care about Spamton no matter what his identity was (they were friends I’m telling you), but at the same time they probably wouldn’t really understand where Spamton was coming from. It’d be just another thing that made him feel like the outlier in his circle.

It reminds me of the dynamic Mettaton had with Napstablook, where Mettaton struggled with gender and his identity as a ghost in ways that I’m not sure they fully understood. Mettaton also used fame and creating a new persona of sorts for himself as a way to break out of his old life, but he also ended up leaving Napstablook behind, which he seems to regret.

Also I’d talk about Mad Dummy/Mad Mew Mew with this whole idea too, since her story seems similar to Mettaton’s in terms of gender as well, but apparently she only appears in her Mew Mew form in the switch version of undertale, so I don’t know enough about that storyline of hers aside from what I’ve read online to be able to comment more on it.

And there are already a TON of other similarities between Spamton and Mettaton, so uhh yeah to me they are trans men. It’s only my headcanon for Spamton, and I guess you could say it’s only hinted at with Mettaton (with Mew Mew it seems pretty clear though because she switches pronouns between her dummy and mew mew forms iirc), but I like imagining them as specifically being nonbinary-to-male (nonbinary-to-female in Mew Mew’s case)

Idk my point is that all three of them are nonbinary-to-binary trans (is that a term?) and basically that is just a really special idea to me. I think I got too into the Left Hand of Darkness and the whole concept of “how come you’re a man when you don’t have to be” as well as the way gender is explored in that book lodged itself in my head permanently. Anyway, I dunno, the concept of that just makes me really happy. Spamton and Mettaton and Mad Mew Mew deserve to hang out and have gender solidarity with each other!!

I have more thoughts on Spamton, but I think I’ve already talked about that enough for now in other posts, and I wanted to try to focus more on the addisons with this post. I love these guys so muchhhhh, just rotating them around in my mind constantly :^)

#addisons #spamton #mad mew mew #mettaton #napstablook #deltarune #undertale #text post #long post #talking

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