#it just. doesn't. work anymore now its just going to end up in disaster

[woodlandscab1n]

Lethanfield about to kill me right now like what the fuck

I cannot even begin to explain 😭 the utter fuckery happening here, i know crumb is all silley with this ship but DOES IT KNOW. DOES IT KNOW WHAT IT JUST CREATED

I rlly like the idea for my own nefarious reasons tho . :] (IS GOING TO IGNORE EVERYTHING AND JUST THINK OF THEM ACTUALLY JUST HAPPY)

[elbiotipo]

in the face of things like the floods in Brazil, how do you have ANY hope that the biosphere won’t be completely and utterly destroyed? I’m at my wit’s end. It seems like we’ve passed the point of no return. There isn’t any hope

how do you keep motivated

The biosphere won't ever be completely and utterly destroyed. Unless an asteroid impact boils the oceans away, that's just hyperbole.

And the FIRST thing you need to stop doing about climate change right now is hyperbole, because 1) that's the new strategy of "let's keep things as they are" people, "climate change is irreversible and we're all doomed so why do anything" and 2) it makes people to think you don't know what you're talking about and you're just a pointless doomer so they don't even listen. I'm a biologist, but you also should know what biosphere is, you know our biosphere has passed through several mass extinctions and has survived. Use the right terms.

What do I mean by this, am I being a condescending pedant? No, well maybe a little and I apologize, but my point is, it means that to talk about climate change, you need to know what's at risk. It's not "the Earth will warm 2°C and EVERYTHING WILL DIE", it's NOT. Global warming in such a short timescale means the disruption of global climate and weather in unpredictable ways which leads to natural catastrophes such as these. It means the disruption of ecosystems and agroecosystems because of this, in ways that we don't fully understand because it involves many factors. At the very worst case scenario, it means crop failures with all that implies, and we've already seen this with droughts, but even then, it would require adaptation and food distribution, just as today. There is a lot more to climate change, but what's important here is that it doesn't mean that we will all catch fire or drown when the average temperature reaches a certain degree. There is not such thing as a "point of no return".

What can we do about this? First of all, assist those who are inmediatly affected by these natural disasters. Second of all, recognize that these things will increase and start building up measures against it; change land use and preserve forests and wetlands so that floods have natural sinks, build defenses and canals in cities, reforest and protect land affected by drought, every place will have to adapt in a different way. Third, and this is already happening, transition away from fossils and aim at decarbonization, not only stop emissions but actually reverse them.

I say this is already happening because as of right now, solar and wind energy is at its cheapest ever and coal plants aren't being built nearly anywhere anymore. This transition is going through very rough times as the fossil fuel industries are very powerful, and this is why governments need to be pressured by popular action to complete it once and for all. But the results are already there. The worst case scenario of a 4°C warming planet, which would have meant crop failures and total melting of the ice caps, is increasingly far away, we are NO longer in the business as usual scenario. Are we there yet? No. Is a warming over 1.5°C inevitable? Most probably yes. Will this cause disasters and will require a tremendous effort to fight back? Definitevely. But every effort counts. Every coal plant that closes, every hectare of forest preserved, every time people choose nature over profit, every effort counts towards keeping us away from catastrophe.

Do you efffort then! Go get educated instead of dooming, learn what a biosphere is! And a biosphere isn't a small thing, you won't save it alone. It will take the efforts of millions of people to protect it. Millions of people who are already hard at work. Educate yourself and join them!

[possiblycringe]

Ordered Callie loredump

(Sorry to ppl asking about other aus, I will get to you soon)

Callie and Marie were lucky enough to be in alterna when Order took over inkopolis square. The zoned-out inkopolis residents had suddenly changed, now wearing masks and donning grey, metallic skin, and they turned inkopolis square into a place of order. In short, Eight did not succeed and Order takes over inkopolis, with the goal to take over the rest of the splatoon world. Marie and Callie and the Agent 3s are able to become part of a resistance, though they mourn agent 4 and 8. They work to find any sort of way to cut off Orders influence, but nothing has worked yet. And it seems whatever was done to these 'orderlings', or parallel canon, is extremely difficult to undo. It's under these circumstances that Marie brings up the idea that after everything is over, she'd like to move into her own place to finally get some peace and quiet from all these world ending disasters. Callie, internally breaking a bit at the thought, plasters on a smile and says she's okay with it. She is, after all. No way she's going to hold Marie back. She still feels a little guilty for forcing Marie to take care of her so many times with those hypnoshades. Yet with all this, a small part of Callie starts to yearn for things to not change between them. For stability. For Order.

And so, as is what happens, she wakes up in the Spire of Order. The first step of being transformed into a part of Parallel Canon.

Of course, Callie isn't going to take this lying down, even if this is a point of no return, and a few more dreams later she'll be in line. Callie stays awake for the next few days to try and keep herself from turning, even thought she knows its inevitable. This lack of sleep, as well as trying and failing to let a busy Marie know what's going on, puts her in a bad mood, and she gets into an argument with Marie, finally letting it spill how she feels about the idea of Marie leaving, halfway through which she passes out.

Marie isn't hurt by the argument when she sees how sleep-deprived Callie is, and helps take her to her bed. She can talk with Callie about it in the morning. Except the next morning Callie has disappeared. Marie realizes what must have happened around this point, and rushes to inkopolis square, sneaking around, only to find that Callie has indeed become a part of Parallel Canon. This is where she pulls the mask off, despite Callie's clear distress.

After that, Marie has to take this brainwashed Callie back with her without Callie getting them captured. This is more difficult then getting there in the first place. They have to go on foot, and Marie hopes that when they get there, they can find some way to bring Callie back to her old, dynamic self. While this Callie acts like Callie typically does, that's the problem. She acts like Callie on autopilot, cheerful and a bit clueless at times, never scared or worried or serious, lacking any ability to grow or adapt to the situation. And, of course, she doesn't want to go back to her old self. She isn't worried about it anymore, though, not when everything is so clear now. She knows that what happened to her will happen to everyone, eventually, and everything going to turn out just perfect, which is why she isn't that worried about Marie squidnapping her. She says this to Marie, even.

The only thing is, she's being put in situations where she DOES end up adapting and changing, and it's slowly eroding at that brainwashing bit by bit. The more this happens, the more agitated she becomes.

[starryeyedjanai]

Steve Harrington, cat whisperer

steddie | rated: teen | 1.8k

Read on AO3

Steve is having the worst day of his life.

Okay. Maybe that’s a bit dramatic, but he woke up late for work and couldn’t stop to get coffee, so he was grumpy all morning.

And then when he took his break and finally did go to get coffee - because caffeine is a drug, kids, don’t do it - some maniac spilled hot coffee all over his white button down shirt as soon as he walked inside the coffee shop.

Seriously. Who is drinking hot coffee in August? And why was this guy walking around with a to go cup with no lid on it?

It’s boiling outside and Steve is still not used to the oppressive southern heat even after living here for years now. So he was already wiping sweat from his brow on his five minute walk to the coffee shop before he got doused in hot coffee and it’s just. Not a good day.

When he returns to work, he’s red in the face, not only from the heat, but from the embarrassment of having all his coworkers see him waltz in to the impromptu all-staff meeting with a tight, tight t-shirt with Ariana Grande’s face plastered on it (which he nabbed from his car on the way back to work - he took Robin to the Ariana Grande concert last month and she made him buy a $10 shirt from some sketchy guy in the parking lot who only had women’s size medium shirts.)

The all-staff meeting is a disaster. Corporate legal reps come sauntering in with their unsympathetic smiles as they tell a room of 100 employees that a third of them won’t have a job by the end of the week.

(“Some sacrifices have to be made.”

“We promise it’s not a reflection of your work.”

“Don’t let the door hit you on the way out!”

Okay, so maybe they didn’t actually say that last one, but that was definitely the vibe they gave off.)

He couldn’t concentrate after that. He had a deadline to meet, but he was plunged into a spiral of existential thoughts all afternoon.

How had he ended up here? He’s 29, stuck in a dead end job that has no chance of upward mobility that he only really got because his dad put in a good word for him and now he doesn’t even know if he’ll have a job next week. His thoughts keep circling back to having to ask his dad for help finding somewhere else to work and he does not want to do that. His slightly strained relationship with his parents has mellowed out over the years, but he doesn't want to rock the boat by asking his dad for a favor.

He simmers on it for the rest of the day. He doesn't get much work done, but in the end, he really can’t find it in himself to care. He doesn't do meaningful work. He works to help keep the rich CEO rich. It’s kind of hard to care about numbers in a spreadsheet when he might be screwed out a job at the end of the week.

He takes a walk after work. He has so much pent up energy and he can’t just go home and be left alone with his thoughts all night or he’s gonna do something stupid like try to cut his own bangs.

He immediately regrets his decision to take a walk in the park by his office because he forgot how hot it gets at 5pm. He’s contemplating just turning around and heading home to mope all night when he hears a shout from behind him.

He’s about to turn around to see what all the commotion is about when he’s assaulted by… some kind of creature? It climbs up the back of his pants leg and hooks its sharp, little claws into Steve’s shirt as it climbs up. Ow.

“Oh my god, I am so sorry! I can’t believe he just did that. Let me just-”

The weight of the animal is lifted from his back, but the claws remain and double down, poking through the shirt to grasp at his skin.

“Ow, fuck! What is happening back there?” he asks.

“I’m so sorry, he’s not normally like this. Ozzy, you have to let go. You cannot just attack people like that. Please let go?”

Steve’s shirt is tugged as the stranger attempts to wrestle his pet away from Steve. The claws aren’t digging into his skin anymore, but this little guy won’t let go of Steve’s shirt.

“Ozzy! I swear to god if you don’t let go-”

There’s a ripping sound and suddenly, Steve feels a breeze on his back.

“Oh no,” the stranger whispers.

Steve just closes his eyes and breathes out slowly for a minute. The universe has it out for him today.

He opens his eyes after a moment of silence for his Ariana Grande shirt and turns around to see-

“Are you okay? I mean, your shirt is kind of ruined, but are you okay? Did he hurt you at all? I am so sorry.”

It’s like all the air has been sucked out his lungs. Because this guy? This guy is gorgeous beyond belief. His curly, black hair is windswept and his face is flushed and he has a scar covering the lower half of one side of his face, little tendrils of texture that Steve wants to touch.

He looks like something from Steve’s dreams.

Of course the universe would have him meet this beautiful guy right now when he’s looking like a hot mess. What’s the opposite of meet-cute? A meet-ugly? A meet-ugly, where this guy’s gremlin of a cat destroyed Steve’s shirt after an already horrible day.

And- oh. It’s a cat. The thing that attacked him and wouldn’t let go is a cat. It’s a cute cat. A deceptively cute cat considering he just attacked someone.

Steve realizes he’s been staring when the guys concerned face grows even more worried at his silence.

He shakes himself out of it. He says, “I’m okay. It was just a shock. I didn’t know what was happening back there. That’s all.”

“He just slipped out of his collar and ran after you. He’s never done anything like that before.”

“Do you, like, normally walk your cat?” Steve asks, unable to keep the judgment out of his voice.

“Hey, he likes it. It started out as a joke,” he says, running his hand over his cat’s fur. Ozzy. He thinks he remembers him calling the cat that. “He really likes it though. He begs me to take him out, usually.”

Steve smiles at that. “That’s kind of cute.”

“I’m Eddie, by the way,” the guy says, stretching his hand out.

Steve takes it, shakes his hand, and says, “Steve.”

Ozzy starts struggling against Eddie’s chest where Eddie has him in his other arm, like he’s still trying to get at Steve.

“I don't know what he wants. He really seems like he wants you to hold him or something. Do you want to pet him or hold him maybe?”

Steve feels powerless to say anything other than, “Sure. Give him here.” He is so weak when it comes to pretty people.

He reaches out and Eddie places Ozzy in Steve’s hands and as Steve brings him into his chest to pet him, Ozzy starts climbing him again. Steve lets it play out this time without freaking out and Ozzy kind of awkwardly settles with his paws on Steve’s shoulders and his body pressed around Steve’s neck like a scarf.

“That’s um,” Eddie stammers. “That’s really cute. He used to curl up on my neck and kind of bury himself in my hair when he was a kitten. I haven’t seen him do that in a while. He’s usually not very social around strangers. I’ve never seen him climb someone just to curl up around their neck.”

Steve brings his hand up and strokes the fur of Eddie’s cat. He’s pretty docile now that Steve is petting him.

“I don’t know. I’m somewhat of a cat whisperer,” Steve says around a laugh. “My cat, Han Solo, was the neighborhood nuisance when I first moved here. Always getting into fights with people's dogs as they were walking them, always getting into my neighbor’s yards and destroying their flower beds, that kind of thing. He was scratching at my door one day and I opened it and he just walked inside like he lived there and just never left. So maybe your cat was just picking up on the vibe that I’m good with cats?”

Eddie perks up and says, “You have a cat named Han Solo? That is - it's cute. You don’t really seem the type to like Star Wars.”

He raises an eyebrow. “Isn’t everyone into Star Wars these days?” And then, at Eddie hum of approval, he says, “Han Solo was pretty much my bi awakening.”

Eddie brings his hair in front of his mouth, hiding his smile as he says, “I sincerely hope you’re not talking about your cat.”

The laugh that’s startled out of Steve's chest also startles the cat lounging across his shoulders. Ozzy stands up and tries crawling down the remnants of Steve's shirt, getting his claws stuck in the fabric once again.

Eddie steps closer and helps wrestle Ozzy away from his shirt a second time.

“Man, he really hates that shirt,” Eddie says, grinning at him. “I would offer to buy you a replacement considering he absolutely destroyed it, but I don’t know where I’d get such a masterpiece.”

Steve looks down and laughs. Ariana Grande’s face is still in tact, but with most of the back of the shirt hanging loosely at his waist, this shirt is hanging on by a thread.

“Yeah, I think I can live without it. My best friend kind of bullied me into buying it, anyway.”

He feels the lull of silence that washes over them in his bones. He wants to keep talking to Eddie, wants to suggest they go get dinner together, wants to ask him on a date, wants, wants, wants.

Because he’s had such an awful day and this interaction has made him smile more times than he can remember smiling in the last month.

He opens his mouth to say something, anything, when Eddie beats him to the punch.

“I know this is a little weird, but my apartment is, like, right up the block. I’d hate to send you off wearing the scraps of your best Ari gear. I could grab you a shirt, drop this little guy off, and we could get dinner? If that’s something you’d be interested in.” Eddie bites his lip, looking like he doesn't know that the answer is a resounding yes.

“We should dinner, yeah,” Steve says and cringes. We should dinner. Who talks like that?

“Yeah?” Eddie asks, smiling. When Steve nods, he says, “Okay, let’s get you a shirt, something a little more metal. And then, we should dinner.”

Steve knows he’s being made fun of a little, but if it’s by Eddie, he kind of doesn't care.

[yanara126-writing]

They Had to Die (2/3)

Corvo Attano enters Dunwall tower fully intending to kill the Lord Regent. It doesn't work out how he intends.

-

Read here or on Ao3 (5872 words)

Have fun! Comments always welcome! :)

--

When the boat hit the shore right in front of the Hounds Pit Pub the jolt sent lightning through his limbs and Corvo couldn't bite back the grunt that forced itself from his throat. Samuel glanced back at him with concern, but didn't speak up. Corvo was glad for it. He didn't think he could choke out an intelligible response, much less a reassuring one. His wounds were still aching, his leg cramping, and his lungs were burning faintly. He tried not to think of anything else, the aching was easier. Samuel tied the Amaranth to the peer and Corvo dragged himself up from the bottom of the boat.

For a moment he simply stood and breathed as the world did its best to tilt off its axis. Once he no longer felt like something was about to give, be it him or the ground, he gingerly stepped off the boat, slowly and deliberately, no flinching or wavering. No one here needed to know just how much of a disaster the mission had been. Havelock, Martin, and Pendleton were reliable allies, but they were in a precarious situation. A coup, even a counter coup, was dangerous business, and one that didn't allow for decency and empathy. He didn't blame them for it. Politics left no room for good men at the best of times, a lesson he'd learnt quickly and violently upon his arrival in Dunwall. (Not quickly enough.) Cecilia and Lydia for that exact reason did not deserve to be dragged so far into it, to be ruined along with him. Neither did Wallace, for all his grating behaviour. And Emily... Emily should have never had to see what she already had seen. He couldn't- he hadn't been able to protect her from that. He'd failed. But at least he wouldn't add onto it. Emily would never know just how much the last months had cost him if he had any say in it, or at least not until she was much older. For her he would brave whatever terrors the world could throw at him, would suffer through any pain and horror without flinching, to give her at least this little bit of stability in a world gone mad. And right now that meant ignoring the persisting aching throughout his body and the gaping, crippling grief sinking through his limbs like lead. He could break apart later. Much later. Preferably when Emily would be 45, with children of her own and a long, stable tenure as Empress behind her and he himself dead in the ground.

Distantly he wondered if he would be allowed to be buried near the pavillion. If he deserved even that.

Slowly and as securely as he could manage he made his way towards the pub. He left the mask behind where he'd thrown it. He wouldn't need it anymore anyway. From Piero's workshop he could hear a strange whirring, interrupted by the occasional curse, tyvian for some reason. Though it did remind him that he still had to have a word with the Admiral about freeing Sokolov, today and before going to bed. He hadn't argued too hard about keeping him in the cage for the time being, though he had asked Cecilia to make sure he received enough food and water and a warm blanket. The mission had time sensitive, and Sokolov had been disgruntled but nothing worse. That he had made sure of. A lance of pain shot through his leg and Corvo grimaced. Yes, he would have a word with the Admiral about not keeping the inventor locked up unnecessarily, if only to not alienate his considerable support, but he would keep out of it himself if at all possible. The Royal Physician had a habit of poking where he shouldn't, if Sokolov saw him now Corvo would not get to sleep for hours more.

The Heart pulsed once against his chest and Corvo's breath hitched. He steeled his shoulders and ignored it, did his best to push back against the concern almost radiating from it.

(She couldn't make him anymore. If he thought about it more he would end up on the floor again.)

One step after the other he reached the door to the pub and stumbled over the threshold as his foot caught on the sill. A firm hand on his bicep stopped him from planting his face into the floor for the fourth time that day.

Samuel patiently waited for him to right himself, his hand hovering for a moment even after letting go. Corvo took another breath, not quite as deep as he would have liked when his chest ached from the pressure, and walked on, not looking back. He couldn't take another look of concern right now. This moment he couldn't be Corvo Attano, grieving- he couldn't be. He had to be the Royal Protector, the Masked Felon as the wanted posters called him now, if necessary. Competent, efficient, and an untouchable wall between Emily and all who would do her harm.

When he finally fully stepped into the Pub's serving room he didn't turn around, didn't flinch when the room's oppressive warmth nearly choked him again, nor when Havelock caught sight of him and started over with all the subtlety of a navy man on a mission.

"Ah, Corvo! Congratulations are in order! You've done an outstanding job as always, and finally it will all pay off. There will be plenty of work tomorrow, but tonight we celebrate, what do you say? Go on then, everyone is already waiting and I'm sure you'll want a word with the Empress before the governess takes her to bed." Havelock, gruff and commanding as always, didn't give him the opportunity to answer and instead stepped past him, immediately moving his focus to Samuel. Corvo took it as a blessing, though his chest twinged a bit with guilt. Havelock was a lot to deal with at the best of times, and judging by the gleam in his eyes he wasn't at all perturbed by Corvo's unorthodox departure from their plans. But then Havelock usually didn't bother with the servants in the first place, so perhaps he'd finally recognized at least Samuel's worth in their mission. Perhaps Sokolov could wait for at least another night. He'd be... He'd be fine. For the night.

And Havelock certainly wasn't wrong about one thing, Corvo did need to talk with Emily. Just to- just to see. Make sure. Know for certain that she was safe, while Burrow's desperate ramblings about Jessamine's death still hallowed through his bones.

So he left both Havelock and Samuel behind, stepping further into the room. Vaguely he noted that Havelock's 'everyone' seemed to once again exclude Cecilia, Lydia, and Wallace, but there wasn't enough left of him right now to even be disappointed .Tomorrow he would have a word with them, make sure they were well compensated. Even aside from any ethical concerns, it wouldn't do to breed resentment in their ranks. Emily didn't need another knife to the back.

Pendleton and Martin were conversing at the bar. Martin barely glanced at Corvo before furrowing his brows with something that might have been displeasure. Or maybe disapproval. Discontent. Something like it. Either way he simply nodded towards Corvo, curt but polite, and quickly drew Pendleton's attention again before the noble could do more than quickly greet Corvo himself.

Gratitude softened something in Corvo's chest, soothed the deep aches spreading through his body just enough to make slipping past the bar not quite as exhausting anymore. Out of all the leading Loyalists he found Martin to be the most approachable. Perhaps it was their chaotic meeting, the man's own humble origins, if Corvo had interpreted J- the Heart's cryptic messages correctly, or perhaps it was simply a trait of character, but where conversations with Pendleton and Havelock often felt more like listening to a speech in parliament, Martin seemed more interested in actual conversations.

It did not escape Corvo that the man he trusted the most was deliberately failing his job when it came to him.

For a man of the Abbey Martin had proven remarkably willing to overlook the black magic and mark Corvo had unthinkingly flaunted at Holger Square, still unused to the new skills and dazed by his sudden freedom. Martin had barely raised an eyebrow, and even later at the Hounds Pit Pub had only remarked on it once, implying a promise of silence. Corvo knew that at a later date he would have to address it, figure out just how far Martin was willing to deviate from the morals of the Abbey, if not his own, for the sake of his ambitions, but for now Campbell's black book and the promised seat of the High Overseer would keep him busy enough.

At the other side of the room, in the same booth as always, Emily sat with a page of paper and her scavenged crayons, intensely scribbling away at her new drawing, while Callista watched over her. Waiting for him. Relief flooded his veins and made his steps just a touch lighter, even as he reminded himself that she was safe here, that Burrows had not killed her, had not harmed her enough to break her.

When Emily spotted him she hopped up in her seat excitedly, crayons forgotten, and made as if to jump towards him, before Callista gently tugged her down again. It made his heart ache to see his brave, smart little firebrand pout at being tempered, though he knew Callista as nothing but kind if too strict for Emily's tastes. It was an old ache, one he'd first confessed to Jessamine in a quiet moment of intimacy before Emily had even been born, that feeling of loss at knowing that- their child would never quite know the freedoms of his own brief childhood. Jessamine had said nothing for a long while, simply stroked his hair in silence, his head on her swollen belly. Those little freedoms they had been able to afford her were gone as well now, stolen by the knife that had killed her mother and about to be smothered by the throne that had done no less.

Corvo managed to get exactly as far as the booth before his knees gave out and he slumped onto the bench, only to suddenly find himself with an armful of Emily, who didn't seem to take issue with the fact that he was still thoroughly damp.

"Corvo! I'm so glad you're back!" Her arms wrapped around him as tightly as she could with her ten year old might, her face shoved into his chest. Mindful of his own state he carefully laid his own arms around her shoulders, torn between wanting to hold her close just as tightly and trying not to dirty her delicate white suit even more. She'd need it tomorrow.

After a few moments she lifted her head, though her grip didn't loosen, and looked up at him with wide, wet eyes that showed far too much inner conflict for her age. "Are we- are we going home now?"

That question broke him more than anything else, the look in her eyes that betrayed it as anything but the innocent desire of a child. For there was no home for them to return to, not truly. Not when- not with Jessamine gone, with half the city dead and the other untrustworthy. Not with the Tower forever ruined by what had happened and would no doubt still happen.

He pulled Emily close, giving up any hope of keeping her clean. She buried her face in his throat, his nose in her hair. The moment took an eternity and yet not nearly long enough.

It was ended by Callista quietly clearing her throat. When Corvo glanced up she was still intently busying herself with her needlework, but in the meantime it seemed Havelock had finished whatever his business with Samuel had been and had joined Martin and Pendleton at the bar, each with a drink in their hand. Corvo kept his back to them, shielding her from view, as he slowly let go of Emily and gently pried himself out of her grip. Somehow it hurt even more that she resisted for only a moment before relenting, when six months ago she would have clung to him until- until Jessamine would have pulled her off.

Corvo hoped his smile didn't look as heartbroken as it felt, desperately forced onto his face at the sight of his far too knowing little empress brushing off her clothes and straightening her back. Acting on a sudden impulse, the burning need for just a little bit of normalcy, he lifted his hand and ruffled her hair. Dragging out his time he pulled her close by the neck and pressed a kiss onto her head, trying to ignore the way it smelled of river water and brine, instead of Jessamine's favourite hair oil.

"Tomorrow we'll go home," he rasped quietly into her hair. It hurt to even mumble, his throat still sore and abused, but Emily's slight nod and seeking pressure against his lips was well worth it.

Eventually, as it always happened, he pulled away, once again the Royal Protector to the Empress. No matter that she was now tiny and afraid, that he'd failed already, that he desperately wanted nothing more than to grab her and leave. If not out of Dunwall, then at least out of the room, somewhere quiet where she could draw her pictures for a few hours, label them with terms of affection that didn't need to be hidden for fear of destabilizing her already precarious position.

Corvo pushed himself out of the booth, keeping a hand on the table because it was less embarrassing than falling on his face. Callista packed away her needlework in a pouch on her belt, got up herself and gently took Emily's hand, who looked up to him with doleful eyes but obediently followed her governess out of the room. Corvo watched her leave, his feet rooted firmly to the ground, and took just a bit of pleasure from ber refusal to follow Callista's example of curtseying to the three men at the bar before leaving. Once they were gone, off to put Emily to bed now that she'd seen him return (and he'd seen her alive, he wasn't a fool, he knew they could see his desperation as much as he tried to stay reasonable), Corvo finally turned to the council of Loyalists, putting all energy he had left into trying not to slouch. He simply had to do his duty of looking pretty for a few moments, as Jessamine had phrased, make his political contribution to the celebration, and then he could go to sleep for at least three hours. Maybe check in on Emily again before he keeled over entirely.

Havelock handed him a glass of whiskey that had sat on the counter, but it was Pendleton who spoke first, a strange nervous gleam in his eyes. Unsurprising really, the man was not brave by nature, though he clearly fought to overcome that hindrance for their mission. Admirable, for all the man's other faults.

"Damn me, he's done it! Word is spreading all over the city. The tyranny is over. By this time tomorrow Emily will be on the throne. After that we'll clear your name and put everything we've got into rebuilding the city." Corvo felt like the brittle comb he'd tried to drag through his tangled and ruined hair after he'd first dragged himself into consciousness here at the pub. This proclamation was the knot that finally broke off the fragile teeth. It wasn't an altogether unpleasant sensation. It was a giving of tension, the tearing of the strings keeping him upright and running. It was assurance that it really was done, even if not quite as as anyone had been planning, as much as it was the pain of knowing deep in his bones that now he'd have to learn to live without Jessamine. Actually live, not drag himself from day to day just to survive.

The sudden knowledge made his head hurt enough he nearly missed Havelock's interjection. "I wish there were more of a city to rule. Most of Dunwall is rats and corpses." Pragmatic and dark as ever, Corvo found it difficult to appreciate it in the moment. All he could do was suppress the shiver that threatened to knock the whiskey glass out of his hand and focus beyond all the dead, pale, faces with bleeding eyes that haunted his nightmares during the rare moments Jessamine's mangled body didn't fill his entire mind.

Havelock held his glass in loose, relaxed fingers, his demeanour conveying about as much gravity as if dinner had been served cold.

Pendleton didn't take it to heart. "The Admiral's right I'm afraid, Corvo, you did your job while the rest of us sat on our asses. Our work starts tomorrow." Corvo's work would never be over, not as long as Emily was still alive and he wasn't yet blank bones under the earth, but that was a distinction that would be pointless to try and explain to them, so Corvo didn't bother.

If anyone noticed Corvo spacing out more and more they didn't acknowledge it.

"Tonight, rest easy. Tomorrow we crown an Empress." Where Pendleton sounded mildly nervous, Havelock only portrayed grim determination, even when trying to be gentle. Like a soft breath brushing against the shell of his ear he could almost hear Jess mirthfully chuckling about how it was no wonder that he never found a wife.

A drop of whiskey dripped onto his hand,  warm and sticky, and it took him another few seconds to realize that his hand was shaking hard enough to spill it.

Havelock seemed to finally take pity on him and raised his glass in toast, eyebrows slightly more furrowed than before. "To Corvo! The man who served to change the course of history!" Corvo gazed down into his glass, whiskey lapping against the sides, rippling unevenly, and wondered just how much he'd really changed about this course of history. Not enough. Never enough. He'd never cared about such grand notions, he'd only ever served two people in his adult life. He'd failed both of them, and one died for it.

Martin's voice ripped him out of his head before his numbing fingers could lose grip on his glass entirely.

"To Emily Kaldwin, and the new dawn rising for the Empire." The man raised his glass and looked him straight in the eyes, something unreadable on his face. Corvo couldn't bring up the energy to care to try. Let the three have their grandiose ambitions for the night. All the damage they could do for now was to themselves if they wanted to get drunk on their prospects. Tomorrow would be enough to start wrangling them into something productive.

And until then... Until then, drinking to Emily was something he could agree to.

He raised his glass with them, as everyone else in the room echoed the toast. As everyone else started sipping the whiskey he simply threw it all back.

It was bad manners, and he almost thought- he almost thought he could feel the Heart pulse once, twice against his ribs. Jessamine would have scolded him for it.

His throat constricted and burnt. He blamed it on the whiskey.

Thankfully with this it seemed the others considered his contribution to be made. Pendleton and Havelock turned to each other, apparently continuing whatever conversation they'd been having before he returned. Something about reopening trade routes. Martin was the only one to give Corvo a short nod before directing his attention to the bar. What for when the man's glass was still nearly full, was anyone's guess but Corvo's, who was only glad to be off the hook.

Corvo cleared his throat and grimaced, the persistent ache only getting worse from the friction.

His fingers finally went numb enough he couldn't feel the glass anymore, and so he set it down on the bar counter, leaving a wet stain where his sleeve touched the wood. A few seconds of steeling himself and a deep, shaky breath later, he started making his way to the stairwell. No one paid him any mind, as it always had been.

Every creak of the old wooden boards beneath his boots made his head throb as if it was a pistol shot.

He'd just... He'd just check in on Emily again. Make sure she was alright and could sleep. And then he would go pass out on the bunk in the attic.

It took him an embarrassingly long time to force his foot to lift and step onto the stairs, and when he finally succeeded his ankle sent fire up his leg. Corvo hissed, and immediately regretted it when that too felt like it was ripping tears into his throat.

He barely managed three steps before the world suddenly tilted out from under him and he crashed into the wall, sending lightning arching through his limbs.

Once he reached the second floor, quietly panting and only not rubbing his new bruises because he couldn't dredge up the energy to lift his hands, he had to concede that he wouldn't be able to safely cross the bridge to Emily's little tower. Emily wouldn't... Wouldn't benefit from him tumbling off the bridge in a spell of exhausted dizziness and breaking his neck. She would be fine if he... If he went to sleep first.

He rounded the corner to the next staircase and had to stop to cling to the railing when his vision went white and he nearly started retching from the nausea. He tasted copper for his efforts. After a few moments he was able to tell up from down again and hauled himself further, one hand clutching the railing, despite his shoulder screaming at the angle. Better the needles in his neck, no matter how painful, than stumbling over his own two feet and falling when he couldn't be sure he'd be able to get up again afterwards.

His fingers spasmed against the wood.

By the third floor his breath only came in short, pained gasps, the hallway seemed to stretch to impossible length, and Corvo knew something was wrong. Even injured, tired, and wrung out as he was. He hadn't been this bad after Coldridge, or at any point in it. Getting shot in the chest during an attack on four year old Emily had been less crippling.

Someone was stabbing an arch pylon into his brain and melting it from the inside out.

He knew his limits, thought he knew his limits, and yet he was sweating like he'd run the entire way from the tower, while cold shivers wreaked his body. An infection was possible, likely even, but even that shouldn't have been able to take him apart so quickly. He should have... He should have had time...

By the fourth floor Corvo couldn't see the ground in front of himself anymore, stumbling along blindly by instinct alone. His hands  had gone entirely numb, felt alien to his body, like two blocks of icy granite strapped to the  burning bloodfly nest his flesh had become. Pain drowned him so thoroughly there was no thought of reasons anymore, only the all-consuming, burning agony that refused to release him, and the vague knowledge that he needed- he needed to get somewhere... Somewhere close... It was important, it was i-

A floorboard in front of the attic room was uneven.

Corvo's ankle rolled and his beaten, broken body gave out entirely. He fell with a thump he couldn't hear through the shock of agony slamming through him at the impact, taking all consciousness with it and blackness swallowed him in an almost blissful nothingness.

There was no waking for Corvo, only the awareness of agony twisting his insides, that may have been with him for an eternity, hours, minutes or seconds. Pressure started building in his chest, beyond the fire burning through his veins, building and building until something small blipped through the wall of torment encasing his mind. The need to *breathe*.

Almost against his will oxygen rushed into his lungs and doused them in flaming whale oil anew.

*He whimpered.*

A hand closed over his mouth. Another pressed against the side of his throat.

Despite the pain paralysing his limbs and smothering his thoughts there was just a bit of Corvo's mind left to panic at the touch. He wanted to *fight*, rip himself away from the hands threatening to take away his breath again, he needed to *get up*, *run*, **fight**, he had to-

He managed a weak twitch of the finger, a success immediately punished by excruciating agony pulsing through his core.

Any pathetic, crumpled sound he might have made was swallowed by the hand pressed onto his mouth.

After a moment, or an eternity, the hands hesitantly loosened. It did nothing to abate the agony, but even the effort to whimper seemed insurmountable. The faint light shining through his eyelids rammed a sword through his eyesockets.

The voice that suddenly cut through the suffocating blanket of torment, sharp and authoritative, replaced the burning fire in his chest with no less searing ice.

"Samuel, you move like you've been drinking. Did the poison work its magic? Is he dead?" The voice was- familiar. The agony allowed no concrete thoughts, no name to surface in his mind, but vague recognition made it through. Not that it made anything about this more comprehensible.

Another voice, nasally, nervous, and again familiar.

"It better have worked, it cost me a month's profit." No, that wasn't- It-

A wave of pain and nausea rolled over him, violently dragged him under and ripped into his organs, tearing at his flesh and bones and sinew until he wanted to scream.

As if sensing his terror and suffering the hand was back on his mouth, pressing him down with no hope to even twitch.

The next voice was much closer, gruff but soft and somehow much, much more painful.

"Yessir, I believe Corvo has breathed his last, just as you wanted." It sounded... almost directed at Corvo. Pointed. As if the voice wanted him to know. Was it... Was it true? Was he dead already? Because the voices... had wanted him to be? Was this agony his punishment for- for-

Something pulsed in his chest. Against his chest? Not pain, but... Grief?

No. No he couldn't- he couldn't be dead yet. There was- Emily. He couldn't die just yet, no matter what the voices wanted. And she- she wouldn't want him to. Deep in his bones, beneath pain and agony was the knowledge that *she* wouldn't want him to, even when he couldn't focus enough to remember her name.

If he wasn't dead then the voice was lying. Lying for him. Protecting him? That... Made sense and yet didn't.

Another surge of lightning through his veins and ripped the thought from his mind and straight into the void.

"You've done a fine job then." Somewhere, very, very deep in his mind, a well trained instinct had Corvo recognize the sentence as a threat and wanted to draw his blade. The vast majority of him battled to expand his lungs enough to draw in even a sliver of air.

"Remember, we need the body. If we come forward with the corpse of the man who murdered the Empress, we'll be greeted as heroes." The Emp- Jessamine. Jessamine, Emily, they wanted to- He had to-

The hand on his face pressed down, not nearly hard enough to break through the agony consuming everything else, but more than enough to pin him down.

"Yes, it'll grant us legitimacy. We'll be the men who rescued Emily and brought down the Lord Regent and his Assassin. You'll see to the body, won't you, Samuel?" The body... The body was him. Wasn't it.

How fitting that panic would be the thing to finally break through the blinding wall of pain, when it had been the only thing keeping him going the last six months. The- The Outsider had to be enjoying the irony.

Between his brain insisting that he should be running, fighting, battling his way out, his body shutting down more and more, and the hand pressed onto his mouth, the pressure in his chest was starting to mount again...

"Yessir." The voice came to him like through a tunnel, echoy and fuzzy, as his vision faded out, even as his heart was hammering in his chest, as if it was trying to stave off death just a moment longer.

When his brain next saw fit to grant Corvo a moment of consciousness his lungs were burning slightly less. Hands were tugging on him, pulling him... Up? After a moment, or two or three or perhaps a thousand, fighting the nausea and disorientation, he managed enough lucidity to notice that someone had heaved him into a sitting position, his back against the wall. It... Made breathing slightly easier.

Emboldened by his newfound at least partial clarity he attempted to pry his eyes open. His success was moderate, but with effort equivalent to climbing up the entire tower in the middle of winter he managed to gain some hazy vision from hooded eyes. Blurred colours and vague outlines only, but it was better than completely blind helplessness. Even if the sudden visual stimulation made his stomach roil and churn all the more.

The hands stopped pulling on him. Instead one pressed his shoulder against the wall while the other almost gently lifted his chin. The closeness made his skin crawl, and he felt the cold dampness of Coldridge seeping into his bones, but the mere act of forcing his eyes open had sapped his strength, leaving him helpless once again to any steel reinforced boots about to kick in his ribs.

"You back with me, Corvo?" A voice- Samuel's voice, right in front of him, while the vaguely brown blur in front of him moved slightly.

Corvo tried to answer, to agree, to ask what was happening, but instead only a tortured whine crawled up his throat.

The pressure on his shoulder softened a bit, not that it mattered. His veins were filled with fire, his bones with lead, and his skin was melting off his bubbling flesh.

"I'm sorry something terrible, Corvo. But I only gave you half the poison. They were watching me, and it was all I could think to do. I think you're strong enough to survive that." Half... Half the poison. Samuel poisoned him. The whiskey. Because the Loyalists forced him to. Because he had to die for their ambitions. And now Corvo was being boiled alive in his own blood.

His eyes grew hot and vision even more hazy, from something that had nothing to do with the poison. Air became scarce again as his throat closed up and shaky breath grew rapid.

His vision darkened as the pain rose to drown him again, even as he fought to stay conscious, to drag himself away from the brink that led to the sea of flaming whale oil raging through his body and mulching his insides. He couldn't- he couldn't give in, couldn't succumb, he had to- Emily...

Lightening shot through him once more, thoroughly dissolving the thought and didn't even do him the favour of cauterizing his nerves. Instead they were set alight in agony so all-consuming he would have been screaming had he had control over his body. Instead he went entirely slack, boneless, eyelids drooping over unfocused fever-bright eyes.

The hands briefly hesitated, before once again grabbing at him. The pressure through his body rose, dragged at him with the weight of a whale while the world swayed like a boat being tossed around the waves. After a few moments Corvo dimly recognized that Samuel had slung him partially over his shoulder and was carrying him... Somewhere.

As if the man had heard Corvo's disjointed rambling impressions Samuel started muttering again, quiet and strained and absent, as if he wasn't expecting Corvo to hear him anyway.

"I'll put you on a raft and then I've got to ship out myself before they find out I've gone against their wishes. Snakes. They'll want to do the same to me as soon as I've outlived my uses. Hopefully you'll wake up soon and find your way out of this cursed city." The thought of leaving, that Samuel thought he might leave, seemed so entirely nonsensical the mere notion  was quickly washed away by the next flare of nausea and pain.

Time passed at once like a lightning strike and as if it was being dragged through honey while he dangled off Samuel's shoulder. It wasn't entirely dissimilar to drifting through the void, except in the void he'd never felt pain. He didn't know if it simply was or if the Outsider made it so, but after Coldridge the Void provided the only escape from his never healing bruises and scrapes. ...And worse.

His eyes fell shut entirely somewhere along the way, though he had no way of telling if it was for seconds, minutes, hours or centuries. The only timeframe that mattered was the time in-between waves of agony pulsing through his being, ripping away what little sense he still had until only the pain remained.

Until a scream ripped through the mind-numbing pattern. A familiar scream.

Suddenly every reason why he couldn't simply hang here roared back into his mind with all the vengeance he'd failed to enact himself.

It was Emily's scream, the same as- as six months ago, desperate and scared.

Somehow, somewhere, in the abused mess of flesh and bones that still pretended to be his body he found another spark of energy, and with more violence than he'd managed to make himself commit against anyone else since his escape he forced it to the surface, pulled on his muscles to yank himself to his own feet. To Emily. To stop whatever had her screaming like this, to protect her from- from the situation he'd put her in. Again.

Retribution came immediately.

Agony surged through every fiber of his being and his muscles, stiff and unsuble just seconds before, started spasming without his control, every involuntary twitch cause of yet another lightning strike along his spine.

His vision whited out and consciousness fled from the unbearable onslaught before he could feel the shock of his body hitting the ground when Samuel failed to gently lower him down. Nor could he feel the boatman's frantic hands trying to save a condemned man from the death other men had decided for him, while his daughter, just around the corner, was once again dragged away from the body of her parent. Not the river's indifferent splashing, nor the leviathan's voice, unaging like the whale song, muttering to itself.

Emily's scream of terror echoed in his mind long after his daughter stopped screaming, replaced by silent tears as she sat in a corner, a boat, a locked room, and tried and failed to emulate the parents lost to her.

[bugtastic]

Please spill the modern au thoughts, I'm hungry for any takes of the characters in a happier setting

i had to edit this cuz i accidentally posted this without a check up first- anyways-

vash is my first victim. >:)

tags: fluff, a little bit of angst on vash's side, gn!reader.

warnings: none i think!

modern!vash, who is unemployed due to his reputation as the "humanoid typhoon". he causes disaster at every job he worked at. broken machines, gadgets, you name it. he was cursed out by his bosses many times. almost the whole city knows about him at this point.

"All you do is bring bad luck everywhere you go!"

modern!vash, who spends his time at your shared home, waiting for you to come home like a pet waiting for its owner.

modern!vash, who feels guilty that he can't lighten the stress off your shoulder. you have been working overtime again, just so you're able to afford a place for you and him.

modern!vash, who feels guilty that he can't lighten the stress off your shoulder. you have been working overtime just to pay the bills and to keep the small apartment you've both been living in. you're struggling and he can see that. he sees it every night when you go to bed and he feels you fall asleep in his arms.

modern!vash, who cleans the house and cooks for you both because of said guilt. you told him many times that it's okay, he doesn't need to clean the whole apartment just for your sake. he is stubborn, let me tell you. he will become the ideal malewife.

modern!vash that decorates the place to feel like home. trinkets he collects from his walks with Meryl and Wolfwood end up somewhere on a shelf. you swear that every day you come back home from work you see a new pebble in the plant vase you gifted vash before you started dating.

modern!vash, who texts the group chat with his friends, asking if anyone has free time for a short walk.

modern!vash, who looks at Wolfwood and Meryl as they bicker once again. Wolfwood pokes Meryl on purpose and he laughs silently to himself. The only thing missing is you. The four of you would be out hanging together. He misses holding your hand when he goes outside. But you're not here because of him.

modern!vash, who cries in your arms when you comfort him. you say you're more than happy to work overtime for both of your sake until he finds a stable job. he can't help but clutch the fabric of your shirt tighter, thinking 'I don't deserve you' and 'How selfish of me'. But now that he has you, you can't help but keep you to himself.

"How selfish of me. But I love you too much to let you go, my Mayfly"

modern!vash, who refuses every job offer his brother gave him. he doesn't associate with him anymore, not after what he did to you and his friends after rem's death. he will accept any other offer, but not Nai's.

modern!vash, who looks at the clock, hearing every tick the clock makes. you were already supposed to be home. it's past 9pm. where are you? did you get in trouble?

modern!vash, who worries and runs to the door, putting his shoes on as he speed dials your number on his phone.

-

You huff as you carry 2 heavy bags. After work, you went shopping for some supplies to make dinner. Vash has been cooking dinner every single day and the moment you protest and want to cook him, he hushes you and kisses you with a giddy smile on his face. You noticed when he gives small pecks on your lips, he giggles softly to himself.

Ah, if you only saw that smile turn into a small pout the moment you leave for work.

You swore that if he gives you those puppy eyes again, you will fight your inner self and be stubborn. You wanted to make him dinner too after all the hard work he's doing around the apartment. Cleaning and cooking, you're sure it must be tiring at some point for him.

After walking up many stairs you arrive at your door. You put the bags down as you reach for the keys to the apartment in your jacket. As you were about to put the key in its hole, the door suddenly flew open.

Vash stared at you in shock. His phone was to his ear and barely dressed to go outside. Wearing a gray tank top and black shorts are not ideal for going outside at night.

"Vash, what are you doing?" you asked. The blond registers your appearance, the shock fading away and for pure joy to replace it.

"YOU'RE BACK!!!" he picks you up in his arms and hugs you tightly. You yelp as you feel the air in your lungs slowly running out from his death squeeze.

"Where have you been? You were supposed to be here an hour- mmmmf-!" You press your lips to Vash's, successfully shutting him up.

"Stop worrying, I was out shopping. Now put me down, I need to cook dinner." You pat your hand on his shoulder signaling him to put you down. He slowly starts putting you down purposefully, he wants you in his arms juuuust a little longer. You sigh and wrap your arms around him. He feels your arms slowly envelop him. His heart might have just skipped a beat no biggie hahah. "I missed you too Sunshine." you say as you finally feel your feet touch the ground. You look up at Yash and you can tell he's not on earth right now. He's in a daze with a goofy smile on his face. You couldn't help but mess his hair up a bit, ruffling his fluffy blond locks.

He snaps back, finally registering what you said before. "Wait, dinner? But I'm supposed to make you food!" He exclaimed as you took the grocery bags and ran into the apartment before Vash to stop you.

"I'M MAKING DINNER AT THAT'S FINAL VASH! YOU CAN'T STOP ME FROM SPOILING YOU!" you yell down the hallway as you make your way down to the kitchen. Vash dramatically gasps and slams the apartment door shut.

"You have been working all week! You should rest Mayfly, overworking yourself just to make me happy... I don't deserve-" He gasps lightly as you pull him down by the collar of his gray tank top and kissing him. You were going to make the kiss short just to stop him from degrading himself.

That didn't up happening.

Vash hurriedly cupped your face with his hands and desperately pulled you closer to him, deepening the kiss.

He's been waiting all week for you to come home and kiss him properly after all.

You are the first one to break the kiss and take deep breaths. Vash was silently looking at you, just staring at you. His eyes softened as he leaned in for more, only for you to stop him by putting your hand over his mouth.

"This won't stop me from cooking, Vash." You scold him. Truthfully, that wasn't his plan to begin with but he'll use it as an excuse for now to hide his neediness. He laughs a bit, his face painted red.

"Can we cook together at least? Please? Preeeetty pleaseee Maaayfly?" He's giving you those puppy eyes again. You huff. You can't fight against that.

"Fine, let me do the main part at least." you say with a sigh. You can practically see the nonexistent tail wag behind your boyfriend.

"Okay! I'm happy with anything, really, as long as you're with me." Vash picks you up again and sets you on the counter. He goes through the grocery bag to see what you've gotten. His eyes shine brightly as he sees fresh doughnuts you've bought for him. After a while, you two end up talking about your day. He talks about how Wolfwood and Meryl fought as usual as you laugh with him. You can't help but stare Vash as he's talking. His energetic movements when he talks about the simplest things, his bright blue eyes, his smile. You can't get enough of that bright, gorgeous smile.

You think to yourself...

If you were to choose who you could spend your life with, you'd choose Vash Saverem in every universe. No matter who he is.

[lover-of-mine]

This is "Let's Drown Buck, Giving Eddie a Shooting Moment and Triggering a Buck Breakdown: An Updated Season 7 Speculation Based on Exactly One Picture Posted by The Props Department and The Voices In My Head"

Okay, so, my Buck will drown in season 7 spec is in its 3rd installment, you can read installment one here, this one has the drowning work as a climax for buddie in a sense, a mid-season or season finale situation, you can read installment number two here, this one is a climax for Buck to break, and now I'm gonna type out a Buck drowning as a season premiere trigger. (You can go here to see all my Buck drowning thoughts)

So, this whole thing hinges on one thing: the fact that the show consistently mirrors Buck and Eddie's personal journeys, with Buck mostly being a few steps behind Eddie. I feel like we collectively got caught up in the way the lightning reminds us of the shooting, and we failed to notice the way the lightning is actually the well. The rain aspect, the night aspect, the team as audience aspect, the volunteering into the rescue that goes wrong over lightning, the way both of them are screaming, the moments of irrational action with the way Buck is trying to dig Eddie by hand and Eddie is trying to pull Buck up to him, the breathing thing with the way Eddie was about to drown and Buck's lungs weren't working, I think even the way Eddie saved himself and the whole concept of the coma dream can work here (here's a set for visuals).

We know Eddie didn't deal with any of his trauma until after the shooting, dude was very just move forward until he couldn't anymore. And one thing is true, you can draw quite a few parallels between the way Buck was acting in season 6 with the way Eddie acts in seasons 3 and 4. Up to the way you can draw direct parallels between Buck and Natalia to Eddie and Ana (here's a set for visuals), or the way he sounds like Eddie did with the just make the best of it, the way Buck is talking in the cemetery really reminds me of what Eddie tells him in kids today when he drops Chris off before the tsunami. And, well, let's face it, Buck hasn't dealt with any strong emotion ever and this man needs to break to move on with his life.

But, sure, how does any of this adds up to Buck drowning? Most of Buck's major traumas/near-death experiences involve water or breathing, the emergency tracheotomy on the first date with Abby, the blood clots in his lung, the tsunami, the well, the warehouse fire, the lightning leading to damage in his lungs (here's a set for visuals) also, Bobby nearly drowned in the plane crash, he got caught with Chris in a tsunami and then Chris falls back into the water, Eddie nearly drowned at the well, Maddie walked into the ocean, I think even the bathtub incident with Jee, creates this pattern of water hurting Buck or people Buck loves. So water is a common trauma factor here.

Why is this important? When you look at the shooting, there are a lot of things that make it as intense as it is: it happens by chance, it's a case of wrong place/wrong time, they're not supposed to be there but they are because Eddie got called there specifically, Buck has to save Eddie alone because they are there with another house and Buck doesn't trust anyone else, and it brings up a previous trauma for Eddie. I also wanna add the fact that, like it or not, Eddie is that attached to what's happening to Charlie because it makes him think of Christopher, at least on some level. So having Buck drown covers the previous trauma thing and it's very easy to make it happen by chance. So let's work out the rest of it, shall we?

Season 6 ends with Bobby and Athena finally going on their honeymoon cruise. I know I'm not the only one sitting here chanting *cruise disaster* because of that, because let's face it when does anything ever go right for anyone on that show. But the props department posted this picture of life vests. Also, one of the writers posted a picture of a script where you can read the word boats. The speculation of something is gonna happen in that cruise writes itself. Add in the fact that people don't know bathena are on the cruise to begin with and you have a GREAT season premiere disaster in your hands. (I don't really wanna bring up Grey's Anatomy here even though a lot of this has me thinking about 3 Grey's episodes, but if you've seen the show, think the ferry boat crash/Meredith drowning arc in season 3)

That means we have a whole ass ocean to drown Buck in while responding to that. Because what's another thing that keeps trying to kill Buck? That's right, city equipment.

Okay, so back to the shooting elements, wrong place/wrong time, they're not really supposed to be there, another crew, previous trauma, no one else they trust around. Not really supposed to be there/got called there directly can be cloudy, but it could just be a "we're going because it's Bobby and Athena's ship". So that's down. Another house, well, a call in that scale would have multiple houses, them getting separated is expected, so that's down too. Previous trauma, Buck getting trapped under something, Buck almost drowning, water, beaches as a whole, all cover that. Wrong place/wrong time, I keep going back to equipment malfunctioning in some way. Maybe they're lowering Buck somewhere and it gets loose, a harness breaking, the oxygen tank stops working, that's something that can happen by chance and create a situation that triggers a past trauma for Buck.

Okay, so we have a lot of elements at play here let's get to the actual vision.

At first, when I saw the life vests, I actually thought about this all happening while they try to save Bobby. They find Bobby, they get Bobby out, Eddie is working on him because he's the one with medical training, it takes him a moment to notice Buck hasn't resurfaced, then he dives back to go get Buck, mostly because that could have some fun implications on the dynamic between the 3, especially if we go to a situation where Buck could've gotten himself out but doesn't, a situation where Buck stops trying, also because I think Buck believes dying for someone he loves is the way to go, so dying for Bobby would be fine with him, but it wouldn't be fine with Bobby or Eddie, and Eddie not dealing with saving Buck's life again could absolutely redirect those feeling towards Bobby because he can't get mad at Buck for dying, so that could create some fun tension.

BUT, if we see Charlie as a surrogate for Chris, to have the situation be triggered by a stranger that reminds Buck of someone he loves, Maddie, Bobby, not Chris because then Eddie would also be irrational in the situation, Eddie is the one that gets reckless when children are involved, could be fun.

So vision: Buck and Eddie are paired doing water rescues or something, they spot someone, that someone brings a more extreme reaction from Buck, I will say he thinks the stranger is Bobby for convenience over the fact that this whole thing is happening on a cruise Bobby is supposed to be in, but it doesn't have to. They go through with the rescue, because again, the thing they went to do is done when Eddie gets shot, something goes wrong, Buck gets pinned down (I don't love the idea of Buck just stopping swimming, I like the idea of something he could get out of if he tried hard enough but he doesn't have it in him to keep struggling, so pinned down it is, also because that brings up the truck bombing), Eddie doesn't notice Buck didn't resurface for a bit (that can also be fun considering the way Eddie is always the last to know, he was the last to see Shannon in the crash, he only found out Buck and Chris were in the tsunami once they were safe, he was the last one to look up at Buck after the lightning, so fun implications all around) just long enough for us to cut back and forth to Buck struggling and Eddie, then cutting to Buck stopping, then Eddie noticing Buck is not there and diving back in. Then we have the fun little aspects of Eddie saving Buck, dragging him out, Buck being unresponsive, desperate cpr, "you're not doing this to me again", Buck finally reacting, sitting up and coughing up water, if we're lucky him dropping back into Eddie and a nice little "I got you, I got you" if we're even luckier maybe some forehead touching or Eddie burying his face on Buck's hair (let Ryan's emotional power out for a spin yk?).

Implication of this for Buck, Eddie, and buddie could be fun. Because you can have Buck spiraling over the fact that almost died again and he was actually okay with it for a while there, kickstarting a breakdown era, because he thought dying was supposed to give him some peace because of Levi and the whole happiness convention thing, and some fun parallels with 5b Eddie. We can have Eddie spiraling over the situation because he had to save Buck again, and Buck is not dealing with it so he's not dealing with it because they don't talk about what it's like being the one doing the saving. And Eddie is already pulling back from Buck, to have this create a real gap between them is easy as hell. And since I'm a "the shooting was Eddie's oh! moment truther" and I'm a believer that Eddie is fully aware of his feelings and just thinks Buck will never feel the same, to throw that energy on Buck would interesting. Just have Buck dealing with having his oh! moment in a very inconvenient moment and with the fact that Eddie is pulling away from him while he spirals.

Do I actually believe any of this is gonna happen? No, no I don't. But I will share the thought on the off chance it does so can get the bragging rights lol.

I will tag @slowlyfoggydestiny because we were talking about this the other day and her inputs helped a lot while I was trying to work out how to make the drowning a trigger, and also because she's been here with me through the whole "let's drown Buck" conversation 🫶.

If you read this I love you 🫶🫶

[antion-bewitching-bitch]

Tales For The Future?

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Curious of what I have on hold for the future? WELL WONDER NO LONGER! For this is a list of work and plans I want to write in the future!

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1. Embers Of The Heart (The Descendants Fanfic)

With chapter 2 already on the way. I plan that by this First book will finish with 5-6 chapters. Maybe 10? With the current outline I've made this is the current future this book has. This doesn't count the future of the series however! For this is just the 1st book. I PLAN TO HAVE 3 BOOKS FOLLOWING THE 3 FILMS OF DESCENDANTS MUAHAHAHAH. I just hope you guys can wait a bit more and stick by. I really don't want to end this yet. I just am so busy with school and feel burnt out if I try to do both at the same time, so I've been doing it at my own pace. HOWEVER I FEEL MORE ENERGIZE NOW SO LETS GO! Masterlist

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2. Hive City (A Fanfic for my Spider-sona! In their own wolrd, universe and city!)

Now this is something new! If you do not know which you don't. I have made a Spider-Sona! However recently I've thought, why not make my own spider universe? SO I DID! I've made an entire list of my villains. An entire world building of the city my Spidersona is protecting and based at. Everything I did is a twist, Imagine this being that new batman animated serise with the female penguine and the psychiatric harley queen and etc. Each villain will have thier things, but they will be remade in a new fresh way. At least in my eyes. So concept so far: 'In the hive city, it is a dystopic city. With the gap between the rich and the poor being the highest it has ever been, this leads to a high crime rate and more and more criminals and now super villains. So how does a city ruled by power and money respond to this? They make their own team of heros to fight against it. Making children train from a young age and then by their 18s - 19s they are pushed to fight crime for them This will be Widow's/SweetHeart's journey alongside their teammate's (Rhino, Nectar, and Twin Mantises.) battle against being a hero and being a solider. They were taught to protect the people but is being used to make them go against them. However at the same time, their still young. How will they go through his journey?' I haven't done a full story outline yet since i wish to at least get to chapter 5 of my descendants fanfic first tho.

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3. Nomads / Runaways (My original story!)

Okay so we're going into my original stories here my friends! So concept of this story is: 'In a Post-Post Apocaliptic Solarpunk world, two friends have decided to just runaway from the city. One is running from the dept that will eventually pass on to them because of their family members With another running alongside them because of not feeling safe nor sane at the city anymore. Alongside both not feeling safe with the recently chosen government. Both packed up their things at night, got into their solar powered car and drove off to the barren lands. There they go through multiple wastlands, going through natural disasters such as a radioactive forest now red, black ashed wastelands, sand storms of the forgotten ocean now dried up, and even monsters and spirits of the past.' This will be an original story that I'll make, ofc its not fully fleshed out nor set in stone such as the others. But I really like this concept of a post post apocalyptic solarpunk city, but still running away from it and then going through the barren lands, filled with even mystical creatures from the past! This story is just something I've had in the back of my head, I planned to make this a comic at first but I doubt I will ever get enough time for that, SO LETS MAKE IT A NOVEL INSTEAD!

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4. I think I love you (Another Original story?)

Okay boys and girls, so lets say I've joined this one competition. Lets also say I already have the story outline, the story itself and etc. However its just a short one-shot that's just 4k words and that I myself don't feel good about? What do I do with it? WELL I MAKE IT INTO A FUTURE NOVEL HERE DUH? I think I love you is going to be a slice of life, senior high school, filipino, GAY/BI love story, and general queer themes. Concept: 'Ellum and Arian, Ellum is a 'straight' popular guy who is suprisingly friends with Arian his gay bff he met since elementary. However recently he started to question himself, 'Why do I like being with Arian alot more than others?' which spiraled into him realizing he likes him. This is his journey of self discovery, about him finding out his bi-sexual. Alongside how he will confront this with Arian.' I know it sounds veryyy boring. However I just don't know why but I just wanna write this fluff, wholesome, filipino one shot story into a better one. I'd probably do this over the summer instead but still. It is a future story!

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For now these are the possible stories and series I hope to tackle and get to write and publish here. With enough traction I might even start it now if you guys will wish me to! However I still want to focus on that Descendants Fanfic.

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Love, Antion💋 P.S.: I do have more Ideas but that can wait, this main 4 are enough.

[pinewoodpipit]

Something About Us - Chapters 6-10 Fic Meta

Chapter 10 is out, and another arc of the story is done! I thought I'd release my thoughts on this section of the story, covering their progression from friendship to love, and the inevitable fallout of Fade not being ready for more.

Like last time, this is quite a long post, so I’ll include it under a cut.

Chapter by Chapter Thoughts

Chapter 6

Harbor is here! I love him. I was excited to bring him in, not only because he's a friend to Fade, but also because I'm excited for some of the little background moments he'll get in upcoming chapters, along with what little he's had so far. I want to showcase him and Astra growing closer and eventually getting together, but I want to do so subtly and in the background. It's been fun to work on!

I made Harbor cheer in relief when they saved him instead of doing his cool catchphrase while he stared into the camera. I just thought it fit the scene better.

Neon, nosy and gay, looked into Fade's room to try and learn more about her, but she just ended up being horrified by the miserable state of Fade's poor mistreated cactus. I've talked about my headcanon for Neon's childhood before a lot - growing up with her lola while her parents worked, kept away from society since she couldn't control her Radiance, and needing to be entertained through learning hobbies she could do without interacting with the outside world, like gardening, cooking, interior design, and music. She knows more about taking care of plants than she realises.

The homoerotic guitar playing tag comes into full force! Neon finds out Fade's trans and is entirely awkward about it because she doesn't know the respectful way to respond! She realises she has a crush and freaks the hell out about it! Yippee! Lots of fun stuff in this chapter.

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Chapter 7

Fade had an inkling that Neon could potentially become dangerous if she let their flirting go too far. She's an arrogant ass, though, and she thought she could handle it without getting in over her head (she was wrong).

Neon, convincing herself there's nothing between them and she's wrong to jerk off to the idea of Fade... while Fade simultaneously jerks off to the idea of Neon in the next room. They're disasters.

Nanobomb becoming canon and the anti-fraternisation rule being lifted was an important development for Fade and Neon here, too. It meant that technically there was nothing stopping them anymore. Neon found this exciting, if not a little frightening. Fade purely found it terrifying, since there was real risk now of things going too far if she wasn't careful.

I wanted to focus on Fade's mental spiral from Neon's POV a fair bit during this chapter. It was obvious that people noticed she was doing badly, since we got voicemails from Cypher and Omen checking in on her and talking to Brimstone about her wellbeing, and I thought it would be interesting to cover it from Neon's perspective. They were close enough to hug in Vietnam, and her spiral was directly before, so they must have been pretty close before she left - how must Neon have felt about her friend doing so badly without knowing what to do to help? It was fun to explore, especially with how helpless Neon felt since she wasn't sure what she could even do in this situation other than worry herself sick.

Fade got Neon the tulips purely because they're pretty. She didn't realise the romantic implications of them. She just saw them, thought about Neon who she knew liked plants, thought they were pretty like her, and couldn't help herself. She's gay.

As serious as the final scene in this fic is, Fade conking out in her soup is objectively funny. I'm sorry. I promise I take her breakdown seriously but I can't not laugh when I imagine her stupid head banging into the table and spilling soup everywhere. dumbass, I love her.

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Chapter 8

Every chapter in this fic is named after a lyric from its own song, but chapters 8 and 9 are two halves of one long storyline, so they got one song between them. The lyric is meaningful - "to show my true colours, I must first be exposed to the light" - and is meant to be about how the events of Vietnam prove to be a turning point that hugely change their relationship and forces Fade to make some damn emotional progress for once. (I promise, it'll get better <3)

Fade's nightmare was a lot of fun. I have a fic planned that I've talked about before that will be a oneshot about Fade growing up and meeting Aykut (in this planned fic, she calls him her brother but he's more of a mentor figure that she met as a teenager, and he helped her understand her powers and learn to control them). I plan on elaborating on the violent end to their relationship that Fade hinted at in this nightmare, where she was shot in a train station on a mission gone bad, and upon seeing her wounded after coming home, Aykut lost his patience and they argued. Fade didn't have the chance to apologise for what she said to him before he vanished, and it's just more guilt to add to the neverending pile that's constantly weighing on her shoulders.

Jett is one hell of a wingman, wonderfully supportive, and a total ride-or-die friend, but that doesn't mean that she won't tease the hell out of Neon for her choice in love interest. She does not like Fade and she isn't gonna sugarcoat that for Neon's sake, as much as she supports Neon chasing her happiness with her if that's what she wants to do.

Sage was very easy to convince to sneak away for extra vacation days. She's a professional, but she's also human, and a liiiittle bit of rebel if you get her to open up far enough. In this fic, she and Jett are very good friends, and Jett knows how to nudge her towards loosening up when she needs to.

The Fadeshock hug :) unlike in freckle fic, Neon didn't crack Fade's head open like an egg on a rock in this one, even though she really deserves it for what she ends up doing later on.

Huge thank you to my friend Rac for his help with the Tagalog translations. I really enjoy including snippets of their languages in my fics - it's canon to how they talk in lore and in their voicelines, and I also codeswitch/slip between languages myself when speaking fairly often, for emphasis's sake and if I'm less sure about a word or phrase (in the case of a second language). It's common, and yet I've seen people claim that real bilingual people don't codeswitch, so it's especially important for me to write it. Similar to Rac, thank you to Uni as well for help with Turkish when I need it, as well as working on this fic with me to begin with!

Fade wasn't meaning to lead Neon on by almost kissing her. She's in an extremely fragile mental state, directly after a complete mental breakdown, and while she can't quite admit it yet, she loves Neon. She wants her badly, and she's in such a bad place that her restraint is pretty much gone. Almost kissing her wasn't malicious, but she does feel bad about it, as shown by her guilt throughout chapter 9.

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Chapter 9

Fade is struggling hard, harder than even she realises. Neon coming to ambush her honestly didn't help her mental state when a big part of what she's dealing with is survivor's guilt, made worse by how badly Fade's yearning for Neon. She wants to be happy with her, and that feels like something she should be horrifically guilty for when he still needs her to focus. It's not a healthy mindset, but Fade isn't in a healthy place yet. She'll get there, trust me, but they're both going to have to struggle first.

Neon making a sand bunny is inspired by that one official art of her making a lion sculpture in the sand with that group of kids. She was good at it! Also bunnies are such a strong motif with her, particularly in this lunar new year series (the carrot shirt, the rabbit hoodie, the bunny keychain on her phone, her pigtails, her movement literally being called "bunnyhopping", etc...)

Fade, tasting coffee she didn't like and immediately giving it to Neon without a second thought: I'm not pining what are you talking about

The water gun fight was purely funny and gave us a chance to make Neon take her shirt off. As always, I write Fade as somewhere on the ace spectrum and she isn't really into what people look like physically (at least until she knows them very well and has a close bond with them) but Neon is the woman she loves, covered in water, has a sexy scar, and she's shredded. It was funny to make her squirm at the sight of her, especially since it's so rare for her to feel like that about how someone looks.

Fade, ordering a bunch of food without hesitation and claiming it was for her because Neon was hungry but too shy to say so: stop saying I'm pining I'm NOT

It was massively meaningful that Fade slept with Neon and wasn't afraid of her. She looked honestly at her lightning and found a way they could deal with it, without making a fuss or showing any fear of her. Neon has lived her entire life feeling dangerous and othered for it, but Fade stroked the scars on her back, turned her over so she couldn't hurt her, and she called her beautiful. Neon was lucky she didn't burst into tears over how beautifully kind that felt.

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Chapter 10

Fade regrets sleeping with Neon only because it now means she needs to hurt her. If she'd cut things off earlier, they could have parted ways before too much emotional connection was formed, but now they're both in love, and separating is going to hurt. Fade doesn't care if she hurts - she thinks she deserves it, for daring to think she had the right to fall for someone like Neon - but she'd rather walk through a bed of broken glass than willingly hurt Neon. It's stupid and misguided, but she genuinely believes that turning her away now will be safer in the long run than letting what they have blossom. They'd be happy at the start, but Fade has a lot of trauma about loving people only for that love to end in horrific disaster and the other person's disappearance or death, and she is terrified of that happening again with Neon.

Fade's nightmare is a manifestation of this fear. Now they've taken this step, Fade's filled with the uncontrollable fear that it's already too late, and Neon's fate is already sealed one way or another. She's terrified of once again living through the trauma she barely survived the first time. Her actions are driven by fear, not malice, but it doesn't make her behaviour acceptable.

Neon, on the other hand, got a little overexcited about what them sleeping together meant. Instead of being more reasonable and talking it through with Fade first, she tumbled headfirst into romantic daydreams. She would have been hurting less if she hadn't immediately jumped to the assumption that they'd get together after they slept together, but she's a romantic and she's in love, and her hopeful heart got the better of her. She's not at fault for Fade's issues and what she puts her through, but she should really have talked it through with Fade before she jumped to conclusions, and she shouldn't have waited so damn long to confront Fade's cowardly ass.

Neon knows Fade pretty damn well. They're similar people, both pretty isolated and a little socially awkward because of their powers, and Neon can see that Fade feels horrific for sending her away. She can clearly see that she doesn't want to be doing this, but Neon isn't going to stay in a bad situation just for the potential of it improving. Fade isn't going to be a good partner to her now, and without any promise of when she'll get through this struggle,e Neon won't wait around for her. She has the self-respect to put herself first and stop breaking her heart over Fade. She'll leave and sever all expectations, either until Fade is ready to apologise and do better by her, or until she finds someone else.

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Other notes

Music

I’ve posted it alone and also shared it in the last fic meta, but for anyone who still hasn’t seen it, here’s the playlist for this fic! It's arranged in chronological order according to the story.

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Thank you so much for reading! I'm having so, so much fun working on this fic and I'm honoured people are reading it. I love writing more than I can say and I don't think I'll ever get used to how kind people have been about it.

It means a lot to me, more than you can know. Thank you <3

[roadtripwithlucifer]

Hiiiii I left you a comment on the newest chapter of everything in halves and then decided that wasn’t enough so I’m coming over HERE to be annoying and tell you that ‘he can trust Oda,’ and “Now that we are working together, I suppose I should learn your name. How should I address you?” And “he could be dangerous,” ARE GOING TO LIVE IN MY HEAD FOR AGES. I’ve been WHEEZING like there’s something wrong with me. Lucy coming in with the finger-pointing. Atsushi why are you the way that you are, too gay to brain. Dazai the Disaster-man. AKUTAGAWA IS BEAUTIFUL AND I LOVE HIM. R A N P O—

And I have to ask, do you have a favorite part of this chapter?

why are you soooooooo kindddddddd a;ldfjalk;sdjf URGH I DONT DESERVE IT BUT ALSO YESS YESSSSSS NO TAKEBACKSIES I WILL BE RANTING

First of all, I like this chapter a LOT. It marks a completion of the exposition - the scene is set, crumbs of foreshadowing have been dropped, and all that's left is to ramp up the drama. It was incredibly hard to write, but I'm pretty happy with the results!

Now, on to my favorites:

The cemetery scene with Dazai is number one, of course. I love what it reveals about Dazai specifically, and how much it throws him off that BEAST!Akutagawa is the way he is.

A part of it is purely superficial. Out of everyone Dazai's known in his life, Akutagawa is purely and unquestionably loyal to him and only him. In my opinion I think Dazai did that on purpose - I think he selected Akutagawa specifically to groom him. Make him his secret weapon, with little fealty to the Port Mafia. Maybe it was as part of his ploy to take down Mori, eventually Maybe it was something else. Either way, the other people in Dazai's life - Chuuya, Ango, Kunikida - care about him, sure.

But they would not follow his orders without question. They are not blind to who he is. Akutagawa is.

So when he meets an Akutagawa who not only despises him, but sees through his bullshit and refuses to play into his games, he truly does not know how to act.

Its like, you have a friend that is absolutely in love with you, and adore you even though you don't feel the same way. Then that friend suddenly moves on - doesn't treat you different, doesn't prioritize you, doesn't want you anymore - and suddenly that loss is magnanimous. Suddenly you'd do anything for them to look your way, even though you never wanted them until they no longer wanted you.

So the gut-punch after gut-punch Dazai must be experiencing right now has me kicking my feet and twirling my hair. This Akutagawa ignores him, chooses to protect Oda over indulging him, literally does not even know his name. And, just like someone being rejected, I think it actually endears Dazai to him, which is a mindfuck for the poor guy all on its own.

That also flows in a little into Atsushi's role in this chapter. While he shows up pretty briefly, his rejection of BEAST!Akutagawa when the others so readily accept him is a major plot point and ends up being an important part of our conflict and growth. He's also wrapped a little bit in the same bullshit Dazai is in.

He had been Akutagawa's singular point of interest for fuck knows how long. No matter who else is around (unless its Dazai of course,) Atsushi is the sole object of Akutagawa's attention. He's the only one that poses a challenge to him. The only one that can match him. The only one that can merge their abilities together. Akutagawa is Atsushi's burden to bear and, like a good detective, he """puts up with""" it.

Imagine his surprise when Akutagawa shows up and straight up ignores him. Avoids working with him. Doesn't even look at him. And its not like he ever ASKED to be the center of Akutagawa's attention, but now that he's not, it bothers him. It bothers him even more that no one seems to care that their Akutagawa is gone and has been replaced with some stranger.

I'm a little enamored with the I didnt realize how much I cared about you until you were gone trope. Except he's not gone, its still him, isn't it?

NOTABLE RUNNER UP SCENES:

The scene where Lucy tries to threaten him in the cafe. BEAST!Akutagawa is a fan of honesty and bravery, and Lucy's got both in spades. Is there an unlikely friendship brewing, perhaps??? I'd love to see Akutagawa in Anne's Room. Oh he would SO dig it.

Also the scene with Ranpo immediately coming to Akutagawa's defense. I hadn't planned for it initially, but after having written it, I'm a little obsessed. They're both blunt and observant, they both aren't well versed in social norms, they both have no idea how to ride a train. I also think that out of everyone, Ranpo is the least likely to let feelings about Original!Akutagawa bleed into how he treats BEAST!Akutagawa. Ranpo barely looks at faces anyway, all he knows is this is a different dude and he's very, very useful. I'm excited to see how their dynamic plays out.

WOW I"M SORRY. WHY IS THIS SO LONG. THANK YOU FOR SAYING THIS MY BRAIN-WORMS ARE BRAIN-WORMING. I'm kissing you on the mouth pleaseee i WILL overexplain if you endulge me i'm so sorry

[confessions-into-the-void]

The fun thing about my life right now is I'm finally coming off of the SNRI I never wanted to be in in the first place. I tried one, it didn't work and was sooooo close to being done with it when my doctor convinced me to try a similar one. The side effects were worse than the first one and by this time I knew how bad withdrawals were, so I put up with it. Until now. Until I couldn't handle it anymore and here I am. It has been almost a week since I've had this medication in my system and holy shit.

Last night was probably one of the worst brain nights I've had in a very very long time. I am usually so good at stopping and correcting myself when I start getting into negative self talk, but last night I couldn't.

It went on and on, just thinking the most absolutely horrible things about myself. I couldn't stop it, I couldn't get my brain to shut up and I had to just lie there and take it.

During all of that, something changed inside me. While yes, those thoughts were so awful and not true, it also made me realize that maybe it's time for a change.

I have spent every year since I lost *soul pet* desperately just trying to survive. I feel like every time I take a few steps, I fall back even more. I lost access to a lot of my *healthy* coping mechanisms and have resorted to the unhealthy ones. I lost such a big part of my identity and my purpose when he left. I went from taking care of someone 24/7, distracting me from taking care of myself, to only having to take care of myself in a blink of an eye. I don't know how to positively take care of myself. I only know how to pretend and how to survive.

Since then I have gone through so many medication changes, so many doctors and therapists and Ive made some improvement, but I'm still falling short.

I was doing so good for so long. I was getting my body healthy, I was going out more often, spending time with the music that lead me to this city. I was so close to thriving, even though I didn't know how I was doing it.

And then last year happened. It was a whirlwind of disasters over and over. I didn't think I would ever feel the pain like I did in that one year again, but I did. I went from being almost on top of the world after my first round of TMS and traveling and smiling and making plans

To this.

To the hole I've ended up in now. Last year I lost my oldest friend. Someone that saved my life more times than I could count. Someone who stayed my friend every time I fell for the lovebombing. Someone who was such a big part of who I am. I could not have been *performer name* without him by my side, cheering me on, capturing the moments in photos, lugging my ass around from show to show, dragging my ass to other states. I was so far out of my shell because of him.

And I never got to tell him.

I don't know how to show positive emotions to people. I don't know how to tell people how important they are to me. I sure as hell wish I did.

Over time, we grew apart as I moved away, but he was always the one reminding me of the literal children we were when we met. My mostly uninked skin, before a lot of the pain and trauma. All of my other friends just kinda fell away over time. But not him.

And then he left. Life got too much and he couldn't do it anymore. And while I respect his choice so much, it doesn't change the fact that it sucks. I'm not trying to make his death about me, but moreso talk about the parts of me that died with him.

In just a few years, my whole identity was stripped away from me because the universe is cruel and we're all at its mercy. I tried to rebrand. I tried to be reborn, but *my name* just never quite felt right.

I don't know if anything will ever feel right again

During this time of trying to figure out feelings and handle my pain and grief, my health was put on the back burner entirely. I went from eating healthy, to desperately choking down sweets or chips in an effort to just *feel* something other than the gut wrenching despair I was going through. My body is the absolute worst it's ever been, and it's cycling.

I am always a huge believer in fat positivity because no one should have to hate themselves because of their size, their stretch marks, their shape. Everyone deserves to love themselves as they are. Everyone should be allowed to do what feels best for them. So what if someone diets religiously to have the best nutrients? So what if someone eats what they want because it's good? Because life is too short to not enjoy food. So what if someone is desperate to just feel something?

And I try to love my body for what it is, all of it. I try to allow it to do what it is going to do and not dwell on it. I try to allow myself to enjoy me as who I am now, and not compare myself to the unhealthy 20 something year old I used to be. And overall I do pretty ok at that.

The problem lies in the operation of my body. It fucking hurts. Everything fucking hurts all the damn time. My knees give out, my tendons click and slide around. Elbows lock up, ribs shift, sternum gets wonky, jaw locks for months on end. And these are things I've always had some sort of issue with, but I can't deny that my body is struggling to support itself and it sucks.

I'm trying to find a healthy place where I can focus on the physical aspects of my health that I haven't been able to focus on because my mental health screams so loud, but also not go overboard where it becomes my identity and I become hooked on the feeling when I watch my body change. I've gone through that before, and thankfully I have always been able to recognize when it starts to become obsessive. There's an addictive high involved in dieting and exercise. Getting "in shape" sometimes feels like going to a casino for me, and my gosh, I am the type of person who should never ever step foot inside one of those.

It becomes a feeling I can't control and the numbers take over my brain and I rabidly drool over the clothes I can now fit in. And then

And then it becomes a game. How far can I take this?

I've taken it pretty far, and when I hit double digits, it still wasn't good enough. It was never good enough. It became my life, my goal, my mission and I cared about nothing else.

It was never about control for me

It was always an obsession with winning. Breaking records, creating new ones. How close could I get to disappearing.

I'd flaunt myself as if I liked the way I was. I hated it. I've never been happy with it (although, I'd kill to be as "fat" as I thought I was back then. Everything was such a mask while I drooled over the numbers on a scale that meant more to me than pretty much anything else.

And I sit here, feeling the aches in my bones, the stain in my muscles doing the jobs of the other parts that hold a body together. I feel the struggle to tie my shoes, to fit in my clothes. I feel all the problems and pain I put off to tend to the grief that needed my attention more.

I have harmed my body while trying to fix my mind.

I can't do this anymore.

I miss me

Not the size of who I used to be

But the things I used to be able to do.

I miss the hours of dancing without my heels throbbing

I miss being happy in the clothing I wear

I miss utilizing the closet I so carefully curated to become something that represented me

I miss not hurting this bad

I need to make change.

The words in my brain have made me really face the elephant in the room. I cannot go on living like this.

I deserve for my body to feel the best it can.

But how?

How do I retrain myself to enjoy things that will be beneficial for things other than taste? How do I find a way to get the dopamine rush I need without choking down a chocolate bar in the middle of the night? How do I cope and grieve without filling my mouth with taste just to distract me from reality?

How the fuck do I change?

I am to the point now where I'm not sure I really like any aspect of myself.

I mean yeah, I'm a lot kinder now than I used to be. I'm thoughtful and caring and funny and resourceful

But im also insecure, competitive, obsessive, awkward. I struggle to exist within my own body and mind.

Where do I begin?

I've always sneered at the people who are like "new year, new me" as if some kind of arbitrary date actually means anything more than a new calendar and having to hit all your deductibles again.

I think I understand it now. I need time to be ready. I need time to plan and to really comprehend what I want, why I want it, and how I'm gonna make it happen. I have to nap out the most healthy ways for both my brain and body to move forward. I have to figure out how to care for myself in a way I never really have.

I'm probably not alone in this.

Plus, with a whole shift in my diet, I gotta get the binging out of my system (not literally of course).

I have to fully settle on the mindset that I do not care about what I look like. I do not care about the physical changes in my body and how small the numbers can go. I have to find a focus beyond that. I have to find some sort of measurable *thing* where I can see progress, but isn't going to send me spiraling down to eating just one small bag of chips all day while working a labor intensive job. I also have to figure out how to make the time to make my body move. I have to figure out how to navigate around the first while while these bones and joints and muscles get used to being put under even more pressure, to eventually have pressure taken off. I have to go into this knowing that for a while it's going to fucking suck. I'm going to fucking hurt and I'm going to need rest days and I need to figure out how to balance not sending myself into a flare but also pushing myself to keep improving

I am no longer the person I used to be

I don't want to be the person I am now

If I can't ki11 my body, I can at least erase the parts I hate. I can morph myself like putty into something I can learn to love

I can create the 2.0 version of myself

I can make them and shape them

But most importantly

I can love them

(I feel like this post is probably the closest one I have where people can figure out who I am, but like if somehow one of my IRL acquaintances do figure it out: no you didn't. You will pretend you never read any of these words and honestly maybe even pretend you don't know me)

[writingsbychlo]

I kind of hope Elain and Lucien have kind of a platonic love yk? Instead of the relationship be forced by a bond neither wanted.

I see Elain with Tamlin, as a way to help him have a redemption arc and she IS Spring. And Lucien with someone of his choice. Elain hasn't showed any interest in Lucien. Lucien deserves someone of his picking no someone who may or may not return his affection

honestly, I see such a fantastic romantic arc for lucien and elain. like, picture this:

getting sent on some kind of assignment in the human lands. elain is thrilled to be going back, especially if she can be glamoured and fit in. less thrilled to be going with lucien, but he is the emissary, and he's vowed to look after her, from a distance, respectfully.

the first few days go well. they talk politely, the order food, they stay in rooms with two beds and lucien gives her every single ounce of privacy he can. they actually start to become friends. elain learns about lucien, and lucien about elain. she sees a new side of him. she calls him 'sassy-fox' and 'sneaky-fox' and lots of cute nicknames that make him huff and roll his eyes but smile. he calls her 'petal'.

they actually find a really happy, comfortable common ground. they laugh and tease and have inside jokes. until elain realises she's getting feelings. feelings completely independent of the mate bond, and it scares her. so she completely retreats on herself. lucien is hurt, he doesn't understand what he did, they argue.

they have a very quiet dinner in the tavern. lucien is still mad, elain is still confused and scared, but they're not gonna split up? elain is happy to sit at the table while lucien goes to get another round for them. she watches him go. he gets flirted with. he very politely turns the girl down but it bothers elain anyway. she can't stop herself from making a "oh, you're new girl didn't pay for them? shocking." kind of comment.

lucien gets it, because he's a smart-cookie. "so that's what this is about? elain, petal, why didn't you just say that?" they take it back to the room and only use that one bed. lucien assumes its all lust, and elain doesn't lead onto anything else, she lets him believe her jealousy is lust-fuelled.

they keep travelling and hooking up as they go, and elain treasures the small moments of intimacy. when asked now, their cover is no longer friends or maiden and her guardian, but husband and wife, but she never admits that to him. only when he's not within hearing range. one day, there's only one bed. they cuddle while asleep.

elain decides this isn't enough for her anymore. she wants all of him, in all the moments, not just the ones between the sheets. she wants all his kisses, the sweet ones and the soft ones and the loving ones, not just the passionate ones.

she confesses this to him, and instead of happy, he looks agonised. he's hurt. his heart broke for jesminda, his heart broke for her, and he moved on. why now? why, after he had to sit at family dinners with azriel and watch elain moon over him? why, after he couldn't sleep with anyone else without picturing her? why, when it has been so long? why now?

in the end they work it out, obviously. and then they go home with all the lil clues towards whatever big disaster is happening idk and they save the day like everyone else and yay happy ending.

imagine that.

(each to their own, of course, but this is just me 😅)

[buckevantommy]

alright i finally managed to get a copy of the ep and i'm watching it on my smallass iphone screen which isn't ideal but i can't wait 3 days to get access to a bigger screen so here we go:

i need to know if that rainbow flare on buck was intentional

i might be looking too hard but that hand grabbing buck's throat and then eddie's junk could be foreshadowing for you know what, i mean who's to say?

oliver deserves a fucking oscar for his nervous smitten buck performance

tommy shaved for their date which is so old school i love it but i also miss the scruff and need to see its return asap

hints of Tommy Backstory, my beloved

the convo about renting out a home with marisol and eddie but including buck is making me think of how buck is possibly being 'rented out' to tommy in the narrative for now but later eddie will be the one to buy

i understand tommy ending their date early but WHAT HAPPENED to him picking up buck from his loft?? and don't tell me he ubered for a first date when we know he drives. although i get not wanting to drink and drive ig

also: tommy was meant to pick up buck at 8pm and now they've finished dinner so wtf is eddie and marisol doing starting their dinner at like 930pm is that an LA thing bc that's insane

'oldest italian restaurant' sign just makes me think of tommy and buck's age gap and i giggle and gasp

buck's reaction to being rejected is breaking my hearrrrt. tommy opened him up to his sexuality and buck was So Excited and now this guy is just dumping him?? who is he supposed to bounce his restless bisexual energy off now??

we're not even 10mins in so i have no idea what the bulk of this ep is gonna be about

oH YEAH THE GAY MOMS pls let them be happy

BUCK COMES OUT TO MADDIE ACCIDENTALLY like a true bisexual disaster

The Guy Thing is very much The Point buck, you sweet thick cinnamom scroll

buck is doubly an ally. he's a bially.

keep talking buck i am cackling you adorable baby bi

insane thing to have eddie post-sex with his nun gf after buck was gushing about tommy

it's okay buck, false starts with difficult convos happen, you'll get there

something something buck intending to come out to eddie and eddie explaining his sex problems all while eddie gets sweaty and swole

LIKE SEAMONKEYS! buck i adore you

buck wishes he could lend eddie a hand but he can't bc he's no homewrecker and bc eddie is quote unquote straight. not bc he himself is taken, bc the hot pilot dumped him and oh now i'm sad again :(

there's some buck+guilt [re:self worth] meta glanced over here that makes me wanna delve into some introspective reads

buck giving good advice is something that can be so personal

hen saving a rescue dog after it attacked the firefighter trying to save it as a parallel to their current foster child situation. it's just good storytelling. the dark stuff is getting hopeful

HANG OUT WITH THE BOYS eddie you don't know how perfect your words are

i really love the way they chose for buck to come out to eddie. trying to do it at a certain time didn't work for him, it was too daunting. but as soon as eddie mistook buck's date with tommy for something platonic? buck doesn't want to hide anymore. it really speaks to the human and especially the queer experience - that need to correct someone's misinterpretation (someone important to buck) of who you are.

GAY TOMMY CONFIRMED

supportive eddie and 'this doesn't change a thing between us'

buck finally getting to talk to his friend about getting dumped by a guy he was really hoping for more with

eddie's turn to give good advice to buck re:his dating life and we come full circle

buck's relief at eddie knowing and accepting him. the double-back for the hug. the comfort is all there.

i want to shower the wardrobe department in love for putting buck in that slutty blue 70s polo for his date within tommy and then the sky blue sweater and now this tight stripey number i am digging the vibes

buck hearing that he didn't screw things up with tommy, tommy just didn't want to pressure him bc the feels are mutual! and buck taking responsibility for his behaviour bc he's mature like that he's a good dude

i love lou but oliver literally glows - and i don't mean from the sunshine - he lights up every scene

the way buck gushed about tommy's confidence to maddie and now he's the confident one reassuring tommy that he wants this and that it won't be weird for tommy i am so proud of him

HOUSTON WE HAVE HAND HOLDING

sad my buddy chim was barely in this ep :(

WEDDING TEASER and we've got a Hangover situation and a missing groom omg

the writers are working their magic and we are reaping the rewards.

[kazooku]

Remember how in August I said I wanted to post more Earth-376 content? WELL HERE IT IS!!!! Now introducing Earth-376's Black Cat aka Felicia and its other Spider hero Webling aka Gwyn Stacie Silveiro!! They're gay as fuck 🕸🐈‍⬛️🏳️‍🌈

Despite what Gwyn's name may suggest there is a Gwen Stacy in Earth-376. They are separate people who just have similar names. Gwyn is the 2nd Spider-Person of Earth-376. Eventually going by the name Webling, Gwyn got bit by a spider on field trip when they were 14 and since then.... they pretended not to have powers until they were 16 and Spider-Man went missing at the same time as their classmate Peter Parker did and they realized they could no longer sit back and watch anymore. They did not connect the dots and thought they were looking for two people not one for MONTHS. Still working out the finer details in the timeline but Gwyn doesn't figure out that Peter is Spider-Man until either a month or few weeks before the rescue. He actually did a really good job at keeping both identities separate.

Gwyn's journey as Webling has a rough start. Even though Gwyn's had these powers for years they lack practice. To top it all off Gwyn didn't know Spider-Man used artificial webbing so when Gwyn used their organic webbing to webswing... it was an impressive fall. So jumping buildings it was!! Until they met Black Cat.

Soo Black Cat and Spider-Man briefly dated 2 years ago for only 2 weeks. It was a disaster but it happened!! During that time Felicia manged to steal his web fluid formula and a pair of his webshooters after they broke up. She's denied ever doing that though. Upon seeing Webling and noticing they probably aren't going to figure it out on their own Felicia made an offer. Felicia would give them the webshooters and formula if they help her out and Webling didn't even hesitate to say yes. Neither had any idea that they would end up catching feelings for each other.

I'm trying to figure anything else to fit in this post without crowding it soooo wrapping it up here. If there's any questions I love answering them and my several Earth-376 planning docs are linked in my carrd!!

[callibones]

uhhh hh ..... hello! this is the same anon who sent in that ask about object camps. the camps you suggested sound really interesting! im a little too scared to join them for now haha but they sound really cool. they will rotate in my mind for a while i think HGFDSFGHJGFDSDFGH other than that .. 1 . i came across the wiki camp two and it looked so creative and interesting to me! i dont program in css that often anymore but the site makes me wanna go over and put in a bunch of pages. problem is.. i don't know how to Apply? or Do Anything? rn the site is locked for voting but just in general i tried reading the rules but still couldn't understand how it worked. if you knew anything about it that'd be nice. it also seems to have a discord server..? again im scared to check myself but if youre in it i wanna know whether it's a nice space to be in.

2 . uhhghgfdghj i peered through the rest of the blog and found the shelled one blaseball fic you posted ? and i think im really Normal about it. So after reading that i now trust your fanfic opinions. are there any other blaseball fics you'd strongly recommend? and uh general.. uh, evil mind controlly fics would be really nice too (the book of bill is also sort of ruining me along with this so i am truly looking for ANYTHING and like omg hbdxszexrdcfdsxrctvdxszaf) and thats all i wanted to ask you! sorry this is getting REALLY LONG i wish you well and i am So Sorry for bothering you!

HELLO AGAIN! not botherin me at all. :-] i was hopin youd find that answer.... i made sure to answer it at the same time u sent the question so you'd have a MAXIMUM CHANCE of findin it, and u Did! so Yay! welcome back. im going to tag my answers to your Post's with 🩸🟪 so we Never Get Separated Again. but i want you to know.... i don't bite! i literally can't on account of my face is a monitor. so if you wanna chat, feel free to dm me! you seem like a really fun person and we clearly have a lotta interest's in common so Consider That: An Option.

ANYHOO.

1) the wiki camp 2 is ABSOLUTELY a welcoming community. in fact, check this out: here's an index of plainly written explanations of various community in-jokes, to ensure nobody's left confused! while i'm not super active on the discord due to hyperfixating on single spaces at a time like some sort of cryptid, i have a lot of wonderful friends in the community and i'd wholeheartedly call it nice.

you don't have to apply to write, either! while i don't think there's an ETA yet on when the wiki's re-opening, whenever it does you'll be able to make an account for free and start creating to your heart's content! sometimes people who do that even get roped into the camp due to Token Shenanigans....

2) look. i get it. how much do i get it? the post you're talking about was written by my bill cipher fictive. and guess what book made me pick THAT thing up? we're in the same boat. i'm (RELATIVELY) normal 'round these parts, but if you do end up dropping me a line, maybe you'll happen upon some of my stuff? just sayin'. but as for what i can do for ya at the desk here...

thing is, i actually haven't read that much blaseball fanfic. i know! i WANT to. i have a list, which i'll reblog with your special tag right after this. but my brain doesn't let me read a lotta long stuff these days, which is SUCKS! i might poke around some tags and see what i can find, but that spectacular shelled one fic's the only one of its kind i know.

if you wanna read something Long and Serious and Really Really Good that's haunted me for years, put your eyes on Oil and Water, the shoe thieves disaster marriage classic about grief and autism and family and other such things.

then read everything else that catches your fancy, and send me your picks! and hey. if anyone reading this wants to help a cute anon out and knows some fics (or wrote some fics) that fit the Bill i mean the bill, PLEASE lemme know!! i Understand wanting more evil mind control. it's kind of my whole thing. PLUS i'm literally the shelled one's favorite

[cannibalvillains]

About shipping my muses, n stuff.

Gonna keep this a a constant WIP, as I figure stuff out. But I decided this could be fun to make for mutuals who maybe wanna ship. Give yall an angle.

Generally ship tropes I like; Arranged Marriage, Toxic, Hate-fucking, queerplatonic stuff, partners in love and crime aka "murder boyfriends", whatever the Addams Family had going, tragedy

(.... Sorry im not awfully good with pure fluff, just don't do it for me. Also; pointing to my no smut rp rule)

Brief details on each respective muse are under the cut!

MHA______________________________________________________

Dabi (demiromanic bi)

Tbh if my Dabi actually has feelings for sb id say its time to run. He is obsessive as hell and he can't do relationships normally. He has straight up stalked several other muses by this point. It was for different reasons but affection is definitely one of them. Also expect it to be undoubtly toxic. He can genuinely love but also it's god awful. He's honestly most easy to deal with on a "we only fuck and nothing else" type basis.

Ships i like for him; Shigaraki, Twice, Hawks (only toxic hatefucking), ...

Overhaul (aroace, repulsed type aka "dont fucking touch me")

Right out the gate: don't expect normal relationship dynamics with him. Just don't. Fact aside that he generally just sucks with people, Im serious when I say he's aroace. He will never fall in love with another character and he will happily die a virgin because that stuff just makes him beyond uncomfortable. That said, I wrote him in tight knit relationships before and they have been some of my fav in recent past. Either way it's a slowburn.

Ships I like for him; Kurono, Nagant, ...

Spinner (bi-curious)

Tbh this man is open to be shipped with almost anyone. I haven't really done stuff with him yet, and he is also very open. Doesn't think about this stuff right now but he would try his best if put in the situation.

Ships I like for him; ???

Eri WE DO NOT SHIP THE CHILD

Enji (disaster bi, in denial abt liking men)

Taking current canon into consideration; Enji is old, tired and doesn't seem himself as "attractive" anymore. His marriage was more duty than love and these days he is most in of all concerned with fixing things with his kids. Trying to ship him at that age would take a lot of convincing. Trying to get him to cheat on his wife like 10 to 20 years prior is an option but can only end terribly. (please I absolutely wanna do that!!) Anything before his marriage would be battling his drive to become the number one hero. (also fun)

Ships I like for him; All Might ( yes its terrible ), Rei ( yes its complicated ), ...

Twice (gay, hopeless)

He's a mess. You may think this means he best works with other people who are well put together, but I (terrible person) like to see spiral, together with other messes. Enjoy.

Ships I like for him; Dabi, anyone LOV tbh (also just purely platonic stuff; we love to see it), ...

Bakugou (bi)

Main criteria for people Bakugou likes; they stand up to him and give him challenges. Just straight up best compatible with muses who are either an asshole equal to himself, or just say "No, stop being a dick. I won't take your shit." If your muse just follows along with whatever he does he will not give them the time of day. He won't care.

Ships I like for him; Occhako, Monoma, Fujimi, ...

JJK_______________________________________________________

Sukuna (aro, an egnima)

I dunno yet what gets him... but you gotta be strong else he will just crush you and be bored. Probably best to get his interest through powerful Jujutsu/fighting skills though, obviously.

Ships I like for him; Gojo, Uraume, Toji, ...

Gojo (GAYYYY)

Definitely struggles to relate to people with his whole "its lonely being the strongest" business. Definitely not easy to connect to and will not be honest about his feelings. But BOY does he seek connection! Pathetic little man!

Ships I like for him; Geto(duh, tho tbh also love it as just best friends), Sukuna, Nanami, ...

Yuji (???)

I dunno yet, somebody give him Jennifer Lawrence! Or his former classmate, that seemed cute. Either way he is a sunshine boy who probably clicks easily with people but later in the story of jjk it may be difficult to get close, the trauma of losing people and all that....

Ships I like for him; ???

Maki (???)

I dunno yet either, give her Jennifer Lawrence as well! Ok no, forreal though. I think she needs someone who can help her relax and not be so stuck on her goals all the time (tho do support her goals... and shittalk the Zen'in clan together...!!)

Ships I like for her; ???

Kenjaku (EVIL)

Would probably fuck anyone. I dunno if you should get near them though. There is like.... ALL THE RED FLAGS. Doesn't care much for the people they start relationships with. To them it's just all a game.

Ships I like for them; Yuji's dad, Gojo (while disgused as Geto, def in a toxic af way), ...

OP________________________________________________________

Law (gay af)

Honestly, this guy has a terrible taste in men and he knows it. He also hates it. He wants to have a good relationship but he got a tendency to get into the ones he regrets, and doesn't regret, but so damn regrets. I think there is a lot of fun kinda drama to be had here.

Ships I like for him; Kidd, Bepo, Zoro, Robin ( yes i said hes gay... they just match ), ...

Doffy (bi and awful)

On the outside Doffy is sweet, charming and flirty, makes all the compliments and expresses his care for his person of interest. He is also manipulative, possessive and most of all cares for himself.... YOU SHOULD RUN.

Ships I like for him; ...

BLEACH___________________________________________________

Zagetsu (nope)

Eh. I just have him to be a creature tbh. If you wanna ship with him genuinely, CONVINCE ME.

Ships I like for him; NAH