#it just feels like its disregarding a big chunk of interesting things to say about the human experience - sexuality or lack thereof

[raviollies]

I know it's been said but the changes to Maria really grate on me because....this doesn't even read as the same character anymore. Maria's design was purposeful, a very clear specific concept of a 'cool sexy girl who wears leopard print and crop tops, and have a belly button piercing and a tattoo' - it combines to a stand out character portrait of not just Maria but of James, because THATS what he finds sexy and was a stark contrast to modest, sickly Mary. The new design literally just looks like a teacher or a manager now, what the hell is that supposed to tell me about either of their sexualities.

And no this isn't a case of 'tHe cEnSorINg' - this is just misunderstanding the themes. Maria wasn't needlessly sexy, objectified for the viewer; her sex appeal was referenced in the story, and was an important part of it, one of the MAJOR themes.

[ot3]

i watched red vs blue: zero with my dear friends today and i was asked to “post” my “thoughts” on the subject. Please do not click this readmore unless, for some reason, you want to read three thousand words on the subject of red vs blue: zero critical analysis. i highly doubt that’s the reason anyone is following me, but hey. 

anyway. here you have it. 

Here are my opinions on RVB0 as someone who has quite literally no nostalgia for any older RVB content. I’ve seen seasons 1-13 once and bits and pieces of it more than once here and there, but I only saw it for the first time within the past couple of months. I’ve literally never seen any other RT/AH content. I can name a few people who worked on OG Red vs. Blue but other than Mounty Oum I have NO idea who is responsible for what, really, or what anything else they’ve ever worked on is, or whether or not they’re awful people. I know even less about the people making RVB0 - All I know is that the main writer is named Torrian but I honestly don’t even know if that’s a first name, a last name, or a moniker. All this to say; nothing about my criticism is rooted in any perceived slight against the franchise or branding by the new staff members, because I don’t know or care about any of it. In fact, I’m going to try and avoid any direct comparison between RVB0 and earlier seasons of RVB as a means of critique until the very end, where I’ll look at that relationship specifically.

So here is my opinion of RVB0 as it stands right now:

1. The Writing

Everything about RVB0 feels as if it was written by a first-time writer who hasn’t learned to kill his darlings. The narrative is both simultaneously far too full, leaving very little breathing room for character interaction, and oddly sparse, with a story that lacks any meaningful takeaway, interesting ideas, or genuine emotional connection. It also feels like it’s for a very much younger audience - I don’t mean this as a negative at all. I love tv for kids. I watch more TV for kids than I do for adults, mostly, but I think it’s important to address this because a lot of the time ‘this is for kids’ is used to act like you’re not allowed to critique a narrative thoroughly. It definitely changes the way you critique it, but the critique can still be in good faith.  I watched the entirety of RVB0 only after it was finished, in one sitting, and I was giving it my full attention, essentially like it was a movie. I’m going to assume it was much better to watch in chunks, because as it stood, there was literally no time built into the narrative to process the events that had just transpired, or try and predict what events might be coming in the future. When there’s no time to think about the narrative as you’re watching it, the narrative ends up as being something that happens to the audience, not something they engage with. It’s like the difference between taking notes during a lecture or just sitting and listening. If you’re making no attempt to actively process what’s happening, it doesn’t stick in your mind well. I found myself struggling to recall the events and explanations that had immediately transpired because as soon as one thing had happened, another thing was already happening, and it was like a mental juggling act to try and figure out which information was important enough to dwell on in the time we were given to dwell on it.

Which brings me to another point - pacing. Every event in the show, whether a character moment, a plot moment, or a fight scene, felt like it was supposed to land with almost the exact same amount of emotional weight. It all felt like The Most Important Thing that had Yet Happened. And I understand that this is done as an attempt to squeeze as much as possible out of a rather short runtime, but it fundamentally fails. When everything is the most important thing happening, it all fades into static. That’s what most of 0’s narrative was to me: static. It’s only been a few hours since I watched it but I had to go step by step and type out all of the story beats I could remember and run it by my friends who are much more enthusiastic RVB fans than I am to make sure I hadn’t missed or forgotten anything. I hadn’t, apparently, but the fact that my takeaway from the show was pretty accurate and also disappointingly lackluster says a lot. Strangely enough, the most interesting thing the show alluded to - a holo echo, or whatever the term they used was - was one of the things least extrapolated upon in the show’s incredibly bulky exposition. Benefit of the doubt says that’s something they’ll explore in future seasons (are they getting more? Is that planned? I just realized I don’t actually know.)

And bulky it was! I have quite honestly never seen such flagrant disregard for the rule of “show, don’t tell.” There was not a single ounce of subtlety or implication involved in the storytelling of RVB0. Something was either told to you explicitly, or almost entirely absent from the narrative. Essentially zilch in between. We are told the dynamic the characters have with each other, and their personality pros and cons are listed for us conveniently by Carolina. The plot develops in exposition dumps. This is partially due to the series’ short runtime, but is also very much a result of how that runtime was then used by the writers. They sacrificed a massive chunk of their show for the sake of cramming in a ton of fight scenes, and if they wanted to keep all of those fight scenes, it would have been necessary to pare down their story and characters proportionally in comparison, but they didn’t do that either. They wanted to have it both ways and there simply wasn’t enough time for it. 

The story itself is… uninteresting. It plays out more like the flimsy premise of a video game quest rather than a piece of media to be meaningfully engaged with. RVB0 is I think something I would be pitched by a guy who thinks the MCU and BNHA are the best storytelling to come out of the past decade. It is nothing but tropes. And I hate having to use this as an insult! I love tropes. The worst thing about RVB0 is that nothing it does is wholly unforgivable in its own right. Hunter x Hunter, a phenomenal shonen, is notoriously filled with pages upon pages of detailed exposition and explanations of things, and I absolutely love it. Leverage, my favorite TV show of all time, is literally nothing but a five man band who has to learn to work as a team while seemingly systematically hitting a checklist of every relevant trope in the book. Pacific Rim is an incredibly straightforward good guys vs giant monsters blockbuster to show off some cool fight scenes such as a big robot cutting an alien in half with a giant sword, and it’s some of the most fun I ever have watching a movie. Something being derivative, clunky, poorly executed in some specific areas, narratively weak, or any single one of these flaws, is perfectly fine assuming it’s done with the intention and care that’s necessary to make the good parts shine more. I’ll forgive literally any crime a piece of media commits as long as it’s interesting and/or enjoyable to consume. RVB0 is not that. I’m not sure what the main point of RVB0 was supposed to be, because it seemingly succeeds at nothing. It has absolutely nothing new or innovative to justify its lack of concern for traditional storytelling conventions. Based solely on the amount of screentime things were given, I’d be inclined to say the narrative existed mostly to give flimsy pretense for the fight scenes, but that’s an entire other can of worms.

2. The Visuals + Fights

I have no qualms with things that are all style and no substance. Sometimes you just want to see pretty colors moving on the screen for a while or watch some cool bad guys and monsters or whatever get punched. RVB0 was not this either. The show fundamentally lacked a coherent aesthetic vision. Much of the show had a rather generic sci-fi feel to it with the biggest standouts to this being the very noir looking cityscape, which my friends and I all immediately joked looked like something from a batman game, or the temple, which my friends and I all immediately joked looked like a world of warcraft raid. They were obviously attempting to get variety in their environment design, which I appreciate, but they did this without having a coherent enough visual language to feel like it was all part of the same world. In general, there was also just a lack of visual clarity or strong shots. The value range in any given scene was poor, the compositions and framing were functional at best, and the character animation was unpleasantly exaggerated. It just doesn’t really look that good beyond fancy rendering techniques.

The fight scenes are their entire own beast. Since ‘FIGHT SCENE’ is the largest single category of scenes in the show, they definitely feel worth looking at with a genuine critical eye. Or, at least, I’d like to, but honestly half the time I found myself almost unable to look at them. The camera is rarely still long enough to really enjoy what you’re watching - tracking the motion of the character AND the camera at such constant breakneck high speeds left little time to appreciate any nuances that might have been present in the choreography or character animation. I tried, believe me, I really did, but the fight scenes leave one with the same sort of dizzy convoluted spectacle as a Michael Bay transformers movie. They also really lacked the impact fight scenes are supposed to have.

It’s hard to have a good, memorable fight scene without it doing one of three things: 1. Showing off innovative or creative fighting styles and choreography 2. Making use of the fight’s setting or environment in an engaging and visually interesting way or 3. Further exploring a character’s personality or actions by the way they fight. It’s also hard to do one of these things on its own without at least touching a bit on the other two. For the most part, I find RVB0’s fight scenes fail to do this. Other than rather surface level insubstantial factors, there was little to visually distinguish any of RVB0’s fight scenes from each other. Not only did I find a lot of them difficult to watch and unappealing, I found them all difficult to watch and unappealing in an almost identical way. They felt incredibly interchangeable and very generic. If you could take a fight scene and change the location it was set and also change which characters were participating and have very little change, it’s probably not a good fight scene. 

I think “generic” is really just the defining word of RVB0 and I think that’s also why it falls short in the humor department  as well.

3. The Comedy

Funny shit is hard to write and humor is also incredibly subjective but I definitely got almost no laughs out of RVB0. I think a total of three. By far the best joke was Carolina having a cast on top of her armor, which, I must stress, is an incredibly funny gag and I love it. But overall I think the humor fell short because it felt like it was tacked on more than a natural and intentional part of this world and these characters. A lot of the jokes felt like they were just thrown in wherever they’d fit, without any build up to punchlines and with little regard for what sort of joke each character would make. Like, there was some, obviously Raymond’s sense of humor had the most character to it, but the character-oriented humor still felt very weak. When focusing on character-driven humor, there’s a LOT you can establish about characters based on what sort of jokes they choose to make, who they’re picking as the punchlines of these jokes, and who their in-universe audience for the jokes is. In RVB0, the jokes all felt very immersion-breaking and self aware, directed wholly towards the audience rather than occurring as a natural result of interplay between the characters. This is partially due to how lackluster the character writing was overall, and the previously stated tight timing, but also definitely due to a lack of a real understanding about what makes a joke land. 

A rule of thumb I personally hold for comedy is that, when push comes to shove, more specific is always going to be more funny. The example I gave when trying to explain this was this:

saying two characters had awkward sex in a movie theater: funny

saying two characters had an awkward handjob in a cinemark: even funnier

saying two characters spent 54 minutes of 11:14's 1:26 runtime trying out some uncomfortably-angled hand stuff in the back of a dilapidated cinemark that lost funding halfway through retrofitting into a dinner theater: the funniest

The more specific a joke is, the more it relies on an in-depth understanding of the characters and world you’re dealing with and the more ‘realistic’ it feels within the context of your media. Especially with this kind of humor. When you’re joking with your friends, you don’t go for stock-humor that could be pulled out of a joke book, you go for the specific. You aim for the weak spots. If a set of jokes could be blindly transplanted into another world, onto another cast of characters, then it’s far too generic to be truly funny or memorable. I don’t think there’s a single joke in RVB0 where the humor of it hinged upon the characters or the setting.

Then there’s the issue of situational comedy and physical comedy. This is really where the humor being ‘tacked on’ shows the most. Once again, part of what makes actually solid comedy land properly is it feeling like a natural result of the world you have established. Real life is absurd and comical situations can be found even in the midst of some pretty grim context, and that’s why black comedy is successful, and why comedy shows are allowed to dip into heavier subject matter from time to time, or why dramas often search for levity in humor. It’s a natural part of being human to find humor in almost any situation. The key thing, though, once again, is finding it in the situation. Many of RVB0’s attempts at humor, once again, feel like they would be the exact same jokes when stripped from their context, and that’s almost never good. A pretty fundamental concept in both storytelling in general but particularly comedy writing is ‘setup and payoff’. No joke in RVB0 is a reward for a seemingly innocuous event in an earlier scene or for an overlooked piece of environmental design. The jokes pop in when there’s time for them in between all the exposition and fighting, and are gone as soon as they’re done. There’s no long term, underlying comedic throughline to give any sense of coherence or intent to the sense of humor the show is trying to establish. Every joke is an isolated one-off quip or one-liner, and it fails to engage the audience in a meaningful way.

All together, each individual component of RVB0 feels like it was conjured up independently, without any concern to how it interacted with the larger product they were creating. And I think this is really where it all falls apart. RVB0 feels criminally generic in a way reminiscent of mass-market media which at least has the luxury of attributing these flaws, this complete and total watering down of anything unique, to heavy oversight and large teams with competing visions. But I don’t think that’s the case for RVB0. I don’t know much about what the pipeline is like for this show, but I feel like the fundamental problem it suffers from is a lack of heart.

In comparison to Red vs. Blue

Let's face it. This is a terrible successor to Red vs. Blue. I wouldn’t care if NONE of the old characters were in it - that’s not my problem. I haven’t seen past season 13 because from what I heard the show already jumped the shark a bit and then some. That’s not what makes it a poor follow up. What makes it a bad successor is that it fundamentally lacks any of the aspects of the OG RVB that made it unique or appealing at all. I find myself wondering what Torrian is trying to say with RVB0 and quite literally the only answer I find myself falling back onto is that he isn’t trying to say anything at all. Regardless of what you feel about the original RVB, it undeniably had things to say. The opening “why are we here” speech does an excellent job at establishing that this is a show intended to poke fun at the misery of bureaucracy and subservience to nonsensical systems, not just in the context of military life, but in a very broad-strokes way almost any middle-class worker can relate to. At the end of the day, fiction is at its best when it resonates with some aspect of its audience’s life. I know instantly which parts of the original Red vs Blue I’m supposed to relate to. I can’t say anything even close to that about 0.

RVB is an absurdist parody that heavily satirizes aspects of the military and life as a low-on-the-food-chain worker in general that almost it’s entire target audience will be familiar with. The most significant draw of the show to me was how the dialogue felt like listening to my friends bicker with each other in our group chats. It required no effort for me to connect with and although the narrative never outright looked to the camera and explained ‘we are critiquing the military’s stupid red tape and self-fullfilling eternal conflict’ they didn’t need to, because the writing trusted itself and its audience enough to believe this could be conveyed. It is, in a way, the complete antithesis to the badass superhero macho military man protagonist that we all know so well. RVB was saying something, and it was saying it in a rather novel format.

Nothing about RVB0 is novel. Nothing about RVB0 says anything. Nothing about it compels me to relate to any of these characters or their situations. RVB0 doesn’t feel like absurdism, or satire. RVB0 feels like it is, completely uncritically, the exact media that RVB itself was riffing off of. Both RVB0 and RVB when you watch them give you the feeling that what you’re seeing here is kids on a playground larping with toy soldiers. It’s all ridiculous and over the top cliche stupid garbage where each side is trying to one-up the other. The critical difference is, in RVB, we’re supposed to look at this and laugh at how ridiculous this is. In RVB0 we’re supposed to unironically think this is all pretty badass. 

The PFL arc of the original RVB existed to show us that setting up an elite team of supersoldiers with special powers was something done in bad faith, with poor outcomes, that left everyone involved either cruel, damaged, or dead. It was a bad thing. And what we’re seeing in RVB0 is the same premise, except, this time it’s good. We’re supposed to root for this format. RVB0 feels much more like a demo reel, cutscenes from a video game that doesn’t exist, or a shonen anime fanboy’s journal scribbling than it feels like a piece of media with any objective value in any area.  In every area that RVB was anti-establishment, RVB0 is pure undiluted establishment through and through.  

[borom1r]

For the asks you just reblogged: lawrence, eric, peter (or strahm. whichever sounds better hfmsbsns) & mallick!!!

Lawrence:

Headcanon A:  realistic — ok ok ok ive seen it come up in art n im sure fics as well every now n then but i rlly dont think Adam could talk Lawrence into going to a pride event. i think the first time he goes is for Diana. and i think its just. so big for him? seeing his daughter making friends, and winding up at the end of the day decked out in bi flag merch + compared to how he grew up and the perceptions of queer people he was exposed to. its not even like. For Him, this huge fucking wave of emotion, but moreso that his daughter has grown up so much more open and joyful than he got the chance to. she doesn't have the weight of the world on her shoulders and he couldn't be prouder or more relieved.

Headcanon B: while it may not be realistic it is hilarious — Adam is the reason Lawrence drank wood. (to clarify: Adam decided to make shakes for them both and, while making an oreo shake for Lawrence, stuck a wooden spoon into the blender while it was still on. he couldnt see any chunks of wood so he decided to just leave it be. later, while drinking, Lawrence bit down on what was Supposed to be a piece of oreo. it was instead, in fact, fucking wood. this is coming from lived experience. please know I am Lawrence in this situation.)

Headcanon C: heart-crushing and awful, but fun to inflict on friends — hey do u wanna hear the worst headcanon. hey. hey. Lawrence Does Not Feel Guilty About Leaving Adam In The Bathroom <3

John indoctrinates Lawrence into a system that feeds his craving for purpose and structure and Lawrence does not think twice. I think it says very interesting things abt him VS Mandy.

Headcanon D: unrealistic, but I will disregard canon about it because I reject canon reality and substitute my own. — in a perfect world Lawrence played along w/ John only long enough to get himself safely to a hospital + then showed up later and beat John to death with that torture device of a fucking prosthesis John tried to force onto him. peace and love on planet earth, baby

Eric:

Headcanon A:  realistic — idk how realistic this really is but i also dont care u will pry trans/autistic eric from my cold dead trans/autistic hands. especially the autism side of things i see soooooo much of myself in him it makes me fucking insane

Headcanon B: while it may not be realistic it is hilarious — ok entirely based off Donnie Wahlberg himself, the man the myth the legend, Eric can sing SO WELL and has a weakness for pop music. even Jigsaw himself couldn't make the man admit it out loud but dear god. when he's alone in his car? BLASTING the tackiest 90s boyband shit imaginable

Headcanon C: heart-crushing and awful, but fun to inflict on friends — Eric was raised in an abusive household. idk this has come up vaguely in other meta ive posted but that quote, "if you grew up with an angry man in your house there will always be an angry man in your house"?? yea.

Headcanon D: unrealistic, but I will disregard canon about it because I reject canon reality and substitute my own. — i feel like this is literally all of my softer meta abt Eric but it makes me happy and goddamn do i love him. Eric gets pet rats as soon as he can post-IV + definitely has had multiple "I put the rat in the fridge and went to put the butter in the rat cage" moments. thankfully, this just means his rats get to ransack the cheese drawer unsupervised for a few minutes every now and then

Strahm:

Headcanon A:  realistic — he has a wedding band but is not actually married. the one (1) time he splurged on himself it was to get people to stop fucking asking why he’s not married/if he and Perez are dating/when they’re gonna make it official. there? are you happy? he bought a ring now shut the fuck up.

Headcanon B: while it may not be realistic it is hilarious — Peter Strahm: Good With Children. Literally Cannot Comprehend This Fact. Diana has declared him like, her 6th favorite person (after Larry and Allison and Adam + Allison's partner(s)— I love Allison/Tracy/Rigg so much so yknow) and he has No Goddamn Clue Why. lord help this emotionally stunted, dense fucking man.

Headcanon C: heart-crushing and awful, but fun to inflict on friends — he doesn't replace things unless they are near unusable. why waste the money? he doesn't deem himself worthy of comfort.

Headcanon D: unrealistic, but I will disregard canon about it because I reject canon reality and substitute my own. — Perez buys him gag gifts a lot. or like, not GAG gifts but shit that’s definitely making fun of him a little. by far his favorite is a trucker hat that says “retired don’t ask me to do a damn thing” he wears it regularly when he’s not working

Mallick:

Headcanon A:  realistic — he used to bite his nails sometimes bad enough they’d bleed. reeeeegularly had bandaids on his fingers for a long fucking chunk of his life

Headcanon B: while it may not be realistic it is hilarious — FURRY FURRY FURRY FURRY FURRY FURRY im a Mallick Scott sparkledog fursona truther

Headcanon C: heart-crushing and awful, but fun to inflict on friends — Brit is dead and that’s the only reason Mallick sits and listens to Bobby’s bullshit. he lost the one person keeping him going. he lost himself.

Headcanon D: unrealistic, but I will disregard canon about it because I reject canon reality and substitute my own. — REAL MALLICK SCOTT ARKIN OBRIEN COUSINS HOURS. I FEEL LIKE CHARLIE FUCKING PEPE-SILVIAING IT UP OUT HERE BUT THEY ARE COUSINS AND YOU CANNOT CHANGE MY FUCKING MIND

[elkian]

I was gonna do a “missing the point”-style meme but I’m honestly not sure that would even work tho so:

Harry Potter and My Hero Academia/Boku no Hero Academia have similar issues with introducing and then immediately ignoring ENORMOUS issues re: ableism.

I think these two series in specific come to mind bc it’s ableism within a specific empowered community, and in both cases the series are pretty well-known and the community (Wix/Heroes) are immediately identifiable to many audiences.

[WARNING: Discussions of ableism, child harm, and abuse on multiple levels.]

What’s the problem?

SQUIBS.

[This post got stupid huge SO here is a tl,dr for all you lovely people who understandably have no time for this.

TL, DR: Both Harry Potter and Boku No Hero have a bad tendency to implement or imply a level of disability regarding unempowered people in empowered societies. They then continue on to completely disregard important conclusions to these implications, such as how heavily it is implied that these unempowered people (Squibs) are so ‘worthless’ to those societies that their very deaths are merely a byline rather than an actual tragedy.

This is especially troubling in MHA/BNHA when so many other political and worldbuilding considerations HAVE been planned out, and seems to be less-discussed in the fandom as a whole, so that’s a much larger chunk of this post.]

That’s your tl, dr!

Here’s the Harry Potter angle:

HP has a bit that I’ve seen people discussing already: Neville’s magic was discovered when his uncle dropped a literal child a potenial lethal distance. 

Neville activating his power and surviving is celebrated, and then JKR immediately glosses over the glaring issue this has introduced: the heavy implication that a Squib dying from this incident would have not have been mourned or even really commented on.

The few adult Squibs (and isn’t that a whole new slice of wonderful /j) are generally disliked and ridiculed for some reason or other. Now, while obviously there are plenty of places where the Venn diagram of “disabled” and “asshole” intersect irl, when your ONLY presentation of a disabled character or group is, every time, an asshole or a fool or both, boy! That’s bad!

Neville (who is generally presented as magically, physically, and mentally weak and often treated as comic relief) is a bit better via the POV Character constantly having positive interactions with him, but this is still a mess. Yes, Neville canonically is not a Squib, but it’s not subtle that he’s on the cusp OF being a Squib, and that is a key element of ridiculing him in many situations (also the whole trauma thing multiple times, like if I really get into it I could do a whole double-size post of how Neville was done dirty or nearly dirty by JK all the time but this isn’t that post).

This isn’t even the point of this post. Let’s move to MHA/BNHA

Hero Academia has differing but honestly even worse issues. And I’m aware that different countries handle ableism and accessibility in different ways, but if you think too hard about it this is an absolute clusterfuck.

What is the problem now?

Squibs! Or rather, the main character of the series, Midoriya Izuku.

Deku (a nickname meaning “useless”! Imparted after his disability is recognized! hilarity!!) is also born without powers. Even worse in some ways, he is born without powers in a world where the overwhelming majority of the global population has some kind of empowerment. I can’t recall if it’s outright stated or only implied that someone with a functionally useless (and hoo boy, usefullness to society is its own post nope not today i do not have that much energy) Quirk is still more of a person than a Quirkless human.

That sink in? Okay, let’s move on.

In a narratively not-uncommon turn of events, Deku gains power. This is partially a product of, and directly tied to, his own work and determination, as well as his willingness to help even when physically outmatched.

To an American audience (NOT the intended audience though I wouldn’t doubt it if Horikoshi meant to have international appeal more or less from the start), this is a deeply satisfying narrative. Who doesn’t love an underdog story? And we even learn that the strongest hero of all time (til this point, anyways) was ALSO born Quirkless!

However, from here, things take a nosedive.

The key problem is a combination of story progression and overall thought put into worldbuilding. Horikoshi’s efforts may not be the MOST thorough, but he has put a great deal of work and thought into his creation (he at least understands the concept of implications and sometimes plans accordingly, looking at you JKR). However, that tied with story progression and personal repercussions actually works to the detriment of the matter.

Especially given recent turns of events.

 [BIG MEGA SPOILERS FOR FAIRLY RECENT PLOT

 STOP HERE IF YOU’RE NOT CAUGHT UP

 SERIOUSLY]

 What I mean by this is the current state of events re: two particular recent/recent-ish plot arcs.

First, Quirk Removal, and second, Endeavor’s comeuppance.

Quirk Removal/Loss was the start of my realization to what the narrative was doing regarding Izuku’s Quirklessness and the state of being overall.

This arc was a perfect time to bring up Midoriya’s past! A lot of Western works certainly would have done so! And yes, it may be bordering on done-to-death, but many elements of Hero Academia put new twists on common themes and cliches; it wasn’t unreasonable to hope that he might do it again.

Instead, little to NOTHING is discussed during this time! In fact, iirc I’d go so far as to say Midoriya straight-up never considers his past at any point during this arc!? If I’m wrong then it obviously made little impact.

NOW, not every disabled character needs to incorporate their disability and/or skills gleaned from living with it in every narrative. In fact, it would get tedious and questionable if they did (note: this does NOT mean ignoring/forgetting the character is even disabled when convenient. Like, I’d like to think that’s the obvious point of this post but... *gestures at tumblr*). 

But the complete lack of it here feels really weird. Like, almost hollow. I think Midoriya makes some kind of suggestion to Mirio of his former Quirklessness at the end of the arc, but nothing that made any kind of impact.

Let’s move on.

Endeavor.

Now, the problem with Endeavor’s arc is not the arc itself. Or, rather, it’s the fact that Endeavor’s Comeuppance is pretty good.

This is a problem because someone else should be getting this exact same arc, yet the issue is never even RECOGNIZED, let alone addressed.

Endeavor’s abuse of his wife and children, all in the name of creating a Heroic legacy, is publicized and tanks his popularity. The general public is now aware of what he’s done to the people closest to him, which aside from giving him a more correct reputation, means they can’t trust him to protect them if they can’t trust him to protect his own family.

This isn’t the goal of this post and I’m no expert regardless, but up to this point (around chapter 290) this was handled in an interesting way. Endeavor is humanized and often shown interacting with people in a way that, while often domineering, isn’t always aggressive or abusive. He runs a Hero Agency for crying out loud! But abuse in the real world often isn’t constant, nor happening to everyone in contact with the abuser. So this is a surprisingly good lead up to the reveal, where you can understand how most people never realized this was an issue.

But here’s my main point. Let’s examine some traits and actions that come up:

physically abusive to a child (often dangerously so) to the point of permanent trauma and severe scarring in some cases

target of abuse was weaker (physically and/or regarding Quirk power)

often abused victim emotionally/psychologically, bringing this weakness up again and again

own immense power led to rising in the world of Heroics

comrades, fellow Heroes, UA teachers etc. not aware of prior abuse issues

Who does this sound like?

Endeavor, who has a whole fucking arc dedicated to this reveal and repercussions?

Or Bakugou?

Reminder: This isn’t a hate post. This isn’t a character post, or even an abuse post. This is about ableism.

Bakugou exhibits many, many traits and actions that Endeavor was literally just punished for. So why does the treatment of these characters in-universe differ so drastically?

Two primary reasons I can think of, which feed into each other:

1) Bakugou was a child (still technically is a minor, remember! Still a first-year high schooler!) when this started. This doesn’t mean he’s strictly innocent, but it’s an important point, because it leads us to

2) Bakugou Katsuki’s abuse of Midoriya Izuku is socially accepted.

Reminder of the audience’s first encounter with Katsuki. The very first page with him is him and his grade-school posse picking on a kid that Izuku is trying to protect. His posse is showing off their Quirk powers and mocking Izuku’s lack thereof.

Then we flash forward to late-middle school versions of the kids. Bakugou, in front of a fucking teacher and entire class, is verbally, physically, etc. abusive to Izuku. He trashes his stuff, threatens him, tells him to kill himself (which, as Izuku notes later, is a fucking felony in Japan too).

No one stops him.

No one criticizes him.

We don’t even get a shot of like, some more ‘regular’ students being like “man Bakugou’s kinda fucked up but we’re too scared to do anything about it” NO. NO. Everyone more or less either backs Katsuki up or straight up doesn’t care.

Remember that this started when Katsuki and Izuku were four. Remember that Katsuki’s power is absurdly dangerous, ie. LITERAL. GODDAMN. EXPLOSIONS.

Izuku has scars. He probably has hearing loss! He may have gotten at least one concussion which can cause serious neurological issues and open him up to further risk!

He could have died.

And?

NO ONE. DOES. ANYTHING.

THIS is the point of the post. THIS is the value placed on Quirkless people in this society.

And yet. Despite Endeavor’s comeuppance. Despite All Might and Izuku’s blatant ‘value’ to society through Heroics. Despite so many other political implications and quandaries address in the Hero Academia series.

Nothing. Nothing. Nothing about this is addressed. The nearly-lethal ableism towards Quirkless people in this society is never ONCE brought up properly once Izuku receives One For All.

There is so much potential here! There is so much worth talking about! And yet we’ve moved into what feels very much like the Final Battle without it being addessed, despite numerous, numerous opportunities for a meaningful conversation about it along the way.

Mirio losing his power! Hell, Mirio’s powers’ drawbacks (and pretty much every Quirk’s drawback! if acknowledged properly!) border on a disability-analogue, and even more when Yuga’s laser comes up, and yet again and again we fail to truly engage with the matter in a meaningful way.

At this point, even if it comes up in the finale, I’m going to be disappointed in this particular aspect of the series due to the complete and total shut-down it’s been given so far.

What the FUCK, Horikoshi?

[purplesurveys]

1157

survey by hxcsingingsk8r

Phone Scavenger Hunt

First off, what phone do you have? I have an iPhone 8.

And what provider do you use? It’s a local one you wouldn’t know about, called Globe.

How long have you had your current phone? I can’t remember if it would be 3 or 4 years this 2021. Either way, it’s definitely been a while and I’ve been itching to upgrade. It’s too early to make such a big purchase, though.

Do you have any cases for it? Describe them. I have a clear case that I bought last year. Before that, I had a pink Otterbox case that I managed to destroy even though Otterbox is normally known for its durability. I just have a very unique ability to wreck everything I’ve ever owned lol.

How old were you when you got your first cellphone? I was technically 6, but it was meant to be a present for my 7th birthday. We threw a birthday party a month in advance because my dad had to fly back abroad for work before my actual birthday, but we wanted him to be present at the celebration so we decided throwing a party early was the best route.

What about your first smartphone? [If the answer is different] It was an iPhone 5S.

How old are you now? Dunno what this has to do with the theme of the survey but I am now 22.

Okay, move onto the scavenger hunt part

What is your lock screen picture of? It’s of Kim Seon Ho at a restaurant, lmao.

Home screen? It’s one of the shots from a recent promotional photoshoot Hayley did for Good Dye Young.

How many pictures are thre currently on your phone? This question just made me so anxious hahaha. I have way too many photos; and upon checking, it turns out I currently have 6,266. My god do I need to clean up my camera roll this weekend.

How many videos? I have 227. I have no idea it’s gotten to be this many; I barely use my phone to take videos. I’ll go ahead and delete some of them right now, just to give my phone (and its storage) space to breathe.

What is your most recent picture of? It’s a work thing...I guess I’ll explain it so it can make more sense. So one of our clients has got this Lent campaign going on, and to spread word about it we’ve tapped a handful of food bloggers to try out the offers themselves and post about their experience on social media. Now that we’re in the middle of Holy Week they’ve gone ahead and uploaded their own posts, and I’m in charge of taking screenshots so I can show to the client that the execution had been successful.

And the most recent video? It’s a private vlog. Every Sunday, or at least every other Sunday I take a few minutes to sit down and do a weekly video thing where I talk about my ~mental~ and ~emotional~ status, and it’s basically a way to be in touch with myself and keep track of my progress. Who knows, maybe I’ll actually get to uploading them one day.

Do you have any albums? If so, of what? Yeah. I have one for Cooper, one for Kimi, and a bunch of tiny albums I’ve made where I compiled 4–5 photos of friends to post on their birthdays.

What pictures have you favorited? I have a lot of favorited photos. There’s no required category for me to label them as such.

Do you have any shared albums with friends or family or work? No. I’m not sure if I can do that, or how to do it if it is allowed.

Do you have any alarms set? For what time and for what occasions? I have a bunch of alarms but only because they’re archived into the Clock app and I just haven’t gotten around to deleting them. When I was still new at my work, I used to have alarms set for certain work tasks I have to take note of every week – but now that I’ve gotten into the groove of things, I don’t need the alarms to be reminded about them anymore.

Check your weather app, what is the weather and temperature where you live? It says ‘Mostly Clear’ and shows a temperature of 26ºC.

Do you have the YouTube app? Do you have your own channel? I do have the app and my own account, but I never use it to post videos. It’s nice to have my own channel so that my homepage can be tailored to my interests.

Do you have an email app? Which one do you use? I just have the default Email app that comes with iOS, but I never use it because it’s so wonky. It doesn’t refresh new emails and it takes forever when it does, and it doesn’t always show the full thread of email conversations. If I absolutely need to check my email for something I usually have to pull out my laptop.

Does it say that there is an update available on your phone or any apps? Yes, it reminds me everyday hahaha. I don’t update unless Apple has been planning a big revamp with new features, though; and if the updates are just to address bugs, I disregard the reminders.

Go into your contacts, how many contacts do you have total? It says I have 178.

Name all of your contacts under the letter M: Feels a tad bit invasive, so I’ll just name five people I have under M: Lui, Kim, Patrice, Danika, and Andi.

Name all of your contacts under the letter U: I don’t have anyone under U.

Do you have any contacts that are businesses rather than people? Which ones? No, I don’t really use text to contact businesses. If I wanted to inquire or order from one, I usually head to their social media page.

Go into your notes, how many notes do you have saved? This is another one I have a hoarding problem with lol. My phone says I currently have 561 notes, though I’m fairly certain the biggest chunk of it comes from minutes I’ve taken down from work meetings. It was a whole lot less when I was still in school.

What kinds of things do you save in your notes? Like I said, I use Notes for taking down minutes from meetings. There are also a few surveys on there, from times I didn’t have internet and couldn’t post them on here.

Do you have any voice memos saved? What of? Yep. Some of them were recordings I had to do for journalism classes I was assigned to do voiceovers; some are interviews, also from my journ class; and the rest are of me rambling.

Do you ever use the calculator app? Pretty frequently for work.

Do you ever use the Maps app? Not really. If I needed directions, I would check out Waze for that.

Do you have any health/fitness apps? Which ones? I still have the Nike Training app from the very brief time I wanted to start working out earlier this year.

Do you have the Instacart app? The what now? I’ve never even heard of that.

What about a delivery service like Postmates, Uber Eats, Grubhub, Doordash? I have the McDelivery app for McDonald’s, but I also have other general delivery apps like Grab, Lalamove, and Transportify.

Do you have something like Venmo, Cashapp, or Paypal? I have the Paypal app but I never use it. I also have a couple of e-wallet apps just in case I’d have to use them as a payment method, since some businesses  I purchase from prefer certain ones. Ultimately, though, I use Grab’s mobile wallet the most often.

Do you use Bitmoji? I think I did before? I never used it all that regularly though. Didn’t see the point.

What other keyboards do you use besides English? Any? Filipino, Korean, and Emoji.

Which social media network apps do you have? Twitter, Facebook, Instagram, YouTube, Tumblr, TikTok, and Snapchat. So I guess I have all the main ones?

If you have Instagram, what is your handle and how many followers? I have a very private one I only use for work. I didn’t want it to have any followers but at present there’s Angela (because she asked to follow it this week) and Bea (idk why).

What do you typically post on the various social media platforms? The only ones I regularly post on are Twitter and Facebook, and on either I share life updates (if there are any) and memes; though on Facebook I have to watch out what kind of memes I share and make sure they aren’t too offensive because I’m friends with relatives, workmates, and media on there lmao. But on Twitter, I basically have no filter.

Do you make TikTok videos? I don’t make any myself, but I do enjoy going through the app.

Do you only add people you know on Facebook? Yes, for the most part. I’ve taken to adding people as long as they’re from UP or my high school even though I’ve never met them as well, but if I sense that they only added me to try and sell me insurance OR try to get me into MLM, then it’s an instant unfriend for me.

Do you have an app that tracks Instagram followers? No, because I don’t need to track my Instagram followers. I’m off the radar as off the radar gets.

Do you have a Snapchat? Yeah, it’s still on my phone just because but I literally never touch it anymore.

Do you ever take selfies with filters? What app's filters do you use? Eh, just before. I don’t really take selfies anymore, period.

Do you use any apps like Depop or Poshmark or Etsy? No. Out of these three I’ve only ever heard of Etsy, too.

What messengers do you use to talk to people? Any besides just texting? I have Messenger to stay in touch with family and friends; Whatsapp and Viber for work; and Telegram just in case my friends want to play games.

Do you have any photo editing apps? Which ones? I have this app called Foodie that has some pretty filters. Otherwise, since I’m not on Instagram anyway I’m never on the lookout for photo editing apps; no one ever filters their photos on Facebook and Twitter lol.

Do you have any games? Which ones? I do have a ton of games on my phone. I never play any of them, but I keep them just in case I get bored enough to start revisiting them. I have word games, drinking games, games similar to Heads Up! where one person will have to guess the word on the screen while the phone is on their forehead, and gimmicky games like 1010! and Candy Crush haha.

Do you have any rideshare apps like Lyft or Uber? I have Grab, which is a rideshare, parcel delivery, food delivery, and online grocery app all in one.

Now go to the actual phone app, whose phone numbers are saved as favorites? I don’t tag any of my contacts as favorites.

Who was your most recent outgoing call to? I can’t recognize the number, so it was probably a Transportify driver that I called to give him directions to my house.

Who was your most recent incoming call from? I also can’t recognize the number, but this time he was most likely a Grab driver.

Who was your most recent missed call from? Again, can’t recognize the number HAHAA

Why did you miss that call? On purpose? Were you sleeping? Busy? My phone is on silent 24/7, so I must have missed it while I was working.

Who is your most recent voicemail from and what's it regarding? We don’t have voicemail in the Philippines.

What was the last thing you Googled or searched on your phone? Candle tunneling and how to fix it.

What music app do you use? Apple Music? Spotify? Something else? I use Spotify, but I also availed of a 3-month trial on Apple Music earlier this year just because. I think it’s supposed to end soon but I have no plans to shift.

What playlists have you made on there? I have playlists called, “robyn discovers kpop,” “winding down,” “angst,” “not my loss,” and my personal favorite, “paramore but fuck you.”

Lastly, what is the most recent song/album you've added to your collection? What Type of X - Jessi.

[inevitably-johnlocked]

Do you think we’ll ever get a S5?

Hi Nonny!

So, I’ve gotten this question asked in a variety of ways but generally boil down to this exact question, so I’m going to tackle this one first, and answer any others in regards to the actors separately because they’re a whole other can of worms.

I have answered variations of this question in the past, so you can read these if you want, but today’s answer is my most recent opinion:

Do I think there’s Going to be an S5?

Will There be a Season 5? 

Is there Ever Going to be an S5? 

Is it True S5 will Happen (Plus some Mofftiss Shitposting)? 

Will There Be S5 and Will Johnlock Happen? 

What Do You Think it’s Gonna Be About? 

Do You Think it’s On Hiatus Right Now? 

What Do I Think is Going On in S4 and Will There Be An S5

Will Johnlock Ever Become Canon?

Will they ever make a new season?

So you can check those out after reading this post.

In the spirit of my blog, I have two answers for you, and the “honest” answer is the one you won’t like.

That said, do you want my honest opinion or my tinhat opinion?

Tinhat opinion: Yes, because the story is incomplete; too many plot holes and S4′s sloppiness and complete 180 from the original plot is so bizarre (([THIS POST TOO])). Too many fucked up things that make me WANT to believe that it’s clever trick and all will be explained when S5 is finally done. There’s evidence that it was commissioned before S4, but I’ve had this theory very well debunked for me on this post here, and my opinions have changed a lot since that post.

Which segues into this: note I say “want to believe” up above there, though. Important wording here, because I feel like my faith in Mofftiss has essentially disappeared because of S4, since I really do enjoy theorizing and speculating and the evidence was RIGHT THERE. But what changed my mind was mainly the reactions and body language of the actors and my annoyance at the arrogance of Mofftiss acting like S4 was brilliant when no one else agrees with them.

This is where my honest opinion comes in, and this is me speaking without bias and with a heavy heart, and are MY OPINIONS, so you can take it or leave it, I don’t care. I’m not here to deflate anyone’s balloons, but Occam’s razor and all.

Honest opinion: No, at least not in the next couple years. Mofftiss kind of disregarded a large chunk of the fandom and got too cocky (Mofftiss: TFP is the best episode of the series! // Also Mofftiss: Yeah, but we’re not going to pitch it for an Emmy nomination) (Mofftiss: we can make anything and everyone will love it! // General Audience Critics: You THOUGHT so, what is this?) and the general disinterest of all the actors surrounding S5 is very telling to me (see the Buzzfeed “Ben With Puppies” interview, this interview with Martin Freeman, and this recounting of Setlock S4). Occasionally it’s brought up with Martin or Ben and they basically say “we’re on a pause”. I think Martin definitely felt really shafted the last season in favour for his ex (who is a whole other barrel of monkeys I have a lot of opinions on), with what they did to John’s character, and I don’t think he has any interest in continuing on any time soon. And Ben’s Buzzfeed “Interview with Puppies” is super telling to me, honestly (timestamp 1:34 if you want to see the part about ‘Sherlock’) – he was NOT “tee hee, I’m being sneaky” (sorry, I HONESTLY don’t know how people are seeing that response as such…), he was “ah, nope, not touching that one because what I wanted to happen and was told would happen isn’t anymore and we’ve been essentially silenced to talk about it.”

Plus Mofftiss seem convinced that this new Dracula project is their next big thing and even they seem to have lost interest in Sherlock all because they didn’t get the praise for S4 that they’ve gotten in the past. I’ve also read a long while ago that Ben is busy with his production company and Marvel for the foreseeable future AND Mofftiss have ANOTHER project after Dracula, and it’s not Sherlock (unconfirmed on this second point, it was just a mention on someone’s blog and I can’t find any articles on the other project they’re doing after Dracula).

And since I mentioned it: No, I don’t think Dracula is a “secret Sherlock thing” or “will have clues to Sherlock in it”. Yes, of course it’s going to have Sherlock Easter eggs in it – almost every showrunner has Easter eggs to their or their actors’ previous works in literally everything – but those E-Eggs will have NOTHING to do with the narrative or future of Sherlock. So, at the very least because I’m worried about everyone’s mental health, it’s already looking like Dracula’s going to be another queerbaiting mess, so please totally enjoy the show if you want, but don’t look too much into it or any E-eggs that the show has. It’s not a secret Sherlock project.

And let’s not forget the general disdain Mofftiss seems to have for their fanbase, essentially selling out because who cares about making sense, all because we criticized S4 because it didn’t make sense and called them out for their queerbaiting without an explanation of S4 [THIS ARTICLE TOO], especially after… Gatiss I think… admitted to using homoerotic subtext in the series to draw in viewership.

Even if they were doing this all to pull the ACD thing on us (essentially kill off Sherlock in a literal sense), it’s a shit way they’re going about it. To me, it feels like S4 was “revenge” for the fandom figuring out their plot before they got a chance to reveal it, because they were annoyed we figured out TAB. That, and I think certain… people… manipulated their way into having input into what they wanted and usurped Ben and Martin out of either spite or a need to be relevant. *shrugs*. But this is getting too biased, so I’ll leave it there for now.

I have mixed feelings about S4, S5, and what I want. I’ve various theories in my ‘s5 and beyond’ and ‘s4 and beyond’ tags if you’re interested in further rabbit-holing. 

Listen I GET wanting to hold onto hope. Hell, I still do. But sometimes we all need to step back and look at the facts from an unbiased point of view, off of the Tumblr-sphere. I’m still a fan, as we all are, and being a fan means that you also are allowed to question things that make no sense. I really wish people would stop gatekeeping just because we all have different opinions. It’s okay to love something but know that there’s SO many problems with it (ie. Disney).

I say let it rest, and leave the fix-its to the fandom. I’m going to watch it if it ever happens, and of course I’ll start speculating again, but right now, I don’t think is the time for S5 because Mofftiss clearly have their interests elsewhere, but keep dangling the promise of more Sherlock to stay relevant.

So, TL;DR: I think if we get S5, it will be a long time from now, and I fear it will follow the plot of S4, because, like Disney with FinnPoe, Mofftiss are coming off as  “passive progressive” cowards (I saw that term in a YouTube review of TRoS, and I thought it was perfect to describe them: We’ll put social issues and gays in our shows, but can’t make the leads gay for each other).

[shinneth]

subject to future deletion

Normally I wouldn’t resort to that and I might end up being too lazy to do it anyway, but between getting sick again, dealing with some very intense verbal abuse every day irl, and the monthly burdens of the gender, I’m really not in a good place right now and I need to vent something. 

It’s officially gotten bad enough to interfere with my ability to write, even though I’m at a point in my current story that I’ve been very eager to reach... and every step of the way I’m struggling to write it and I hate what I currently have and it’s taking everything in my current power to not just scrap it entirely. 

Basically, I think I’m failing as a writer.

The irl stuff is actually not what I’m gonna get into because it’s really nothing new and it’ll probably resolve itself, but the side-effect of suffering that kind of negativity is that it enhances lingering negative feelings you’ve had about other things.

Namely, things you do to get away from the pains of the real world. The things you do to have fun and get some enjoyment out of life, no matter how challenging it is to be in this thing because it’s so wrongfully derided and demonized by the majority of your peers.

I try to keep telling myself it’s just because I’m still relatively very new to the fandom compared to my contemporaries, but as I’m typing this right now and listening to my favorite wrestler Shelton Benjamin in an interview, immediately I see the pit I’m starting to fall into. 

Like, it’s uncanny. This is what he said as I started on the above paragraph:

“If I sit and constantly compare myself to other people’s successes, you would drive yourself crazy. Because no matter what, there’s always someone who’s gonna be more successful.”

“I need to remember where I come from; how far I’ve came.”

Basically, in the very small world of Stevidot (and to a lesser extent, SU’s fandom as a whole), despite my efforts, I feel very much like the Shelton Benjamin in a small, dedicated group of talented Stevidot content creators.

Which is to say, I’m basically a midcarder in the mix with a bunch of top-tier legends. Shelton graduated from the same group as some modern very well-known mainstream stars that I can easily associate with a very well-known and accomplished Stevidot contributor.

Shelton graduated with the likes of John Cena, Brock Lesnar, Dave Batista, and Randy Orton. At least half of those names should be at least vaguely familiar for my followers as most of them have had such great success that they’re known in avenues beyond wrestling (save for Randy Orton, but he’s well past outshined his father as a legendary wrestler who’ll never be forgotten). 

I could easily say Watcher is the John Cena of Stevidot, while Platon’s probably the Brock Lesnar... sinderella0069′s the Batista. But I honestly don’t feel like I’ve done enough (or stood out enough) to even be a Randy Orton for this pairing. I’d at least give that honor to Ig just for being so active with it on Tumblr despite the wave of hatred thrown her way (even though she’s shifted focus onto Stevinel now). 

Again, I keep trying to tell myself that it’s because I’m not even remotely as tenured in the fandom as any of them are. 

Then I see this said in a review on a very recently-made Stevidot story...

And said reviewer has not once ever left a review on any Stevidot story of mine. Not even a follow or a favorite or a goddamned kudos. Considering I currently have an actively-updated Stevidot story going on (and a two-shot that I just did last month), I highly doubt my stuff was just overlooked.

Now, is it true that Stevidot is hard to come by? Of course it is. But this isn’t the first time I’ve seen a fellow Stevidot fan lament about the lack of Stevidot content while completely disregarding anything I contribute.

I know there’s one that outright doesn’t like my content based on personal taste (nothing to do with Stevidot itself, just how I execute it). There’s another big-name who shows no interest whatsoever in reading what I have to offer - and at this point I feel that’s for the best, because I have a feeling they’d hate my execution as well. 

While I’ve always primarily written for myself, I also felt a great fulfillment for providing content for a niche crowd that really deserves more than what they have. I think Stevidot’s a fantastic pairing with tons of unexplored potential and should be much more readily available than it actually is. Even if I tend to not get many reviews, I keep track of the site traffic every day on my stories and I know for sure that there are people reading my stuff. Since I’m really bad at leaving reviews myself, I go out of my way not to whine about not having very many overall for my series since I’d be a huge-ass hypocrite to do so. 

However.

Statements like the the aforementioned review and statements I’ve seen elsewhere by those who I know are at least aware of me are like stakes through the heart.

Because it can only mean one thing: my content doesn’t count.

I’m honestly not sure which is worse for me; being critically panned for the stuff I’ve put my all into over the past year, or being treated like my stuff doesn’t even exist. 

I prided myself on contributing as much as I did for Stevidot over this past year. Quantity doesn’t = automatic quality, but I’ve got 20+ years of writing experience in, so even someone with a shit self-esteem like myself can’t just say I’m an objectively bad writer, because I’m not. 

But apparently it doesn’t matter that I put in over half a million worlds in the name of Stevidot to a good chunk of the very tiny Stevidot fanbase; according to them, my contributions are irrelevant.

Is it my fault?

One thing I will admit is a detriment to my particular brand of Stevidot is that, save for one story (which happens to be by far my most successful Stevidot story in terms of recognition numbers), the rest of my series follows a continuous narrative that greatly deviates from canon as of Change Your Mind. I’m also notoriously a very verbose kind of writer - I have the tl;dr curse something fierce. 

So all stories I’ve written since my main 3-act series (which ended up being nearly 200k in length on its own) have been direct sequels to that. Because of the heavy deviation from CYM, the environment of the following stories is very different and easy to get lost in if you skipped GA entirely. 

Because there are so many dangling threads and new opportunities to be had after GA ended, I basically committed myself to my AU.

It’s not like anyone else is going to explore these possibilities.

Beyond that, honestly, I just don’t want to rewire my brain back to the canon status quo - not after the shitloads of character development I’ve not only given Steven and Peridot, but nearly everyone at this point has had a moment or two of really intense character growth. 

I like having Peridot co-star with Steven. I like having her become a more competent and active teammate than she’s portrayed in canon (while still giving her comic relief moments). I like that I didn’t redeem the Diamonds and instead had them killed off to force our protagonists to deal with the fallout of the collapse of a mighty empire on a much grander scale than what’s going on in the actual show.

In a way, this AU of mine has helped me cope with the shortcomings of the show itself. I already went on a stupid tirade once about how the sadistic nature of my writing has basically made me no-sell whatever trauma Rebecca Sugar’s throwing on Steven and upsetting everyone else. I’m still fairly certain I’m still outdoing her in that department. 

And because 100% of my passion for creating Stevidot is through this narrative I weaved, I have no desire to leave it. 

So I’ll admit my stories aren’t exactly the most accessible to the average reader who hasn’t been following my work since Day 1. 

Then again... I first got into Sinderella’s series completely ass-backwards at first. I eventually read it in the proper order, and like many of the great Stevidot epics, it’s canon divergent from a much earlier point in the series, so it was very easy to get confused about why certain things happened differently at first... but ultimately, I wasn’t that bothered by it because I just wanted some good Stevidot. I’d figure out the finer details later. 

I really do owe this author more props than I’ve actually given - she’s one out of two readers I know for a fact have been following my series since the beginning without missing a beat. I’ll probably review her newest story sooner or later now that it’s complete. 

Not gonna lie, though... when I saw our numbers side-by-side like this:

Considering they’re very similar stories (Stevidot smuts that were originally meant to be one-shots), mine is over a month old and hers is only a few days old and there’s already that big of a gap in our numbers? 

It’s hard not to feel like a failure; like I did something horribly wrong to suck this bad by comparison. 

I really should stress that I bear no ill will against Sinderella or any Stevidot author; this isn’t a competition, so this isn’t a matter of popularity. I knew coming into this that I wouldn’t get popular overnight; especially not with such an unpopular ship being the focus of my story. 

But when other Stevidot stories get frequent reviewers that I’ve never seen once acknowledge my stories even passively, I can’t help but feel like I’ve massively fucked up somewhere. That despite all my efforts, I might as well be invisible. When they say “Oh, good thing your story is here! It’s been such a Stevidot drought around here until you came along!” to other authors after I’ve written half a million fucking words in under a year for this ship...

You know, is it unreasonable to feel that I utterly fucking failed in several ways? 

I guess it’s no wonder why I’m struggling to keep writing. I still want to - like I said, I’m at a part I’ve been eager to write for a while now - but ever since I started it, I’ve just hated almost all of what I have so far (almost 8k words). And I’m really having trouble trying to salvage it.

I’m honestly not the type who’d scrap all my progress and start from scratch once I’ve gotten this far in. But maybe I’ll have to make an exception this time, because I think I finally made the mistake of trying to write while being mentally and emotionally distraught.

I thought I’d calm down once I wrote all this out, but honestly, I’m not really feeling it. Now I’m wondering if I should have just reached out to someone instead of making this, because now I’ll come off as a whiner with my pansy-ass first-world problems. 

But then again, I’d be an asshole to subject anyone to my idiotic woes. 

Maybe this’ll pass. I’m hoping it’ll pass. I really, really really really don’t want to lose my drive to write again. I was used to it coming and going in short and random spurts for almost all my life - then it finally came to me and stayed with me just a little under a year ago, and I’ve been desperate not to let it go because I’ve been more productive now than I’ve ever been in my 20+ tenure as a writer. 

I don’t want this to go away. There’s still so much more I want to tell. 

But then my logic goes... if you tell the story and no one’s there to hear it, is it ever really told?

[arsenicpanda]

Opinions on your top 5 Riverdale ships and/or characters

Oh man, this has been in my ask box for like…two months?  And I haven’t answered because I just haven’t been up to it, but I am now!  So let’s go!

Favorite Ships

1. Betty/Jughead:  There’s really no contest here.  The rest of these don’t really have an order, but bughead is 100% on top.  The thing about bughead is that it has so many fun tropes wrapped up in it: childhood friends, one-sided pining (if you subscribe to the theory that Jughead has had a thing for Betty for years), investigative duo, poor boy/rich(er) girl, bad boy/good girl, brooding boy/gentle girl, gang member/cheerleader (which might happen enough to be a trope only on Riverdale, but whatever), dark power couple, etc.  Now, I love all those tropes, but here’s the thing: it’s so much more than that. These are each facets of bughead, yes, but they’re still greater than the sum of their parts. They both have a darkness in them that I absolutely love and want more of, but they also have a devotion to the people they care about that is quite admirable. They just fit together, and they’re such equals and so devoted to each other, and it’s just maximum levels of charming.  Bughead ticks a lot of boxes for me, and the only ships that outrank them (shirlulu and izanamie) do some of those tropes but to a greater degree.

- FP/Gladys:  Yeah, I don’t know what it is about this exactly, but I find them really endearing?  Like, they’re both such disasters and masters of neglecting their children, but I really like them together?  I mean, they used to commit armed robbery together, maybe, and that is just excellent. Also, I think I just want the Jones family to reunite for Jughead’s sake, and supporting this ship is part of it.

- Kevin/Joaquin:  God, I miss them.  The original Southside/Northside ship, with its mixture of bad boy/good boy and poor boy/rich(er) boy, and they were just precious.  Joaquin was proud to be with Kevin, and Kevin deserves that, damnit. Also! The way Joaquin just stopped dead in his tracks when he spotted Kevin even though he probably needed to escape as fast as possible and the way Kevin was like “I have to go after Joaquin” in the middle of the heist were just so cute.  And omg, the way Joaquin would just fold when Kevin asked him for information was a delight. I needed more of them; they were precious.

- Archie/Josie:  Short-lived though it was, I found them really cute.  There was an innocence to Archie and Josie, and it was nice to see Archie pulled out of Riverdale darkness (which, as much as I love it, has always been a genre he doesn’t quite belong in) and to see Josie connect with someone and be open to something beyond just music, but without losing focus on her music.  Also, they could sing together, and it was adorable. Like, their musical number was just the cutest. Honestly, if this had continued, it could have pulled Archie out of the main plot even more or it could have finally dragged Josie into the main plot and give her the screentime she deserved.  I feel like this ship could have really stolen my heart.

- Cheryl/Veronica:  You know, I like choni and varchie, I really do, but something about these two charms me.  It’s maximum levels of rich bitch, and I love that. Cheryl and Veronica had some nice bonding back in season 1, and the way Veronica used to be the kind of mean girl that Cheryl is now is so interesting to me.  Veronica would drag Cheryl into be slightly nicer in a cute but also potentially comical way. They’re two smart ladies who could combine their fortunes of shady origins and become this terrifying power couple that crushes their enemies under their stiletto heels.  And it would be so funny to watch Cheryl interact with Veronica’s friends, like oh my god, Veronica dragging Cheryl, Betty, and Jughead onto double dates with just the highest potential for disaster would be amazing.  I also would enjoy adding Toni to this to make a ship with maximum scary lady, I must admit.

Favorite Characters

1. Jughead Jones:  Was there ever any doubt?  Jughead is best boy and my second all-time favorite male character, right behind the passive-aggressive legend known as Koizumi Itsuki.  He’s got layers, man. He’s a decent guy, but he has a darkness in him that I love. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: Jughead’s cut from the same cloth as Lelouch Lamperouge, and I find that fascinating.  Jughead is willing to do a lot to protect the people he cares about, but he has a few moral lines (although I wonder how unmoving those are). He’s got a prickly, brooding exterior that conceals a gooey inside full of love and sadness and abandonment issues (seriously, Jughead’s abandonment issues and desire for family/people that won’t leave him drive and explain a lot of his actions).  And watching him interact with the people he cares about is just a delight.  He and Betty are adorable at their softest and their darkest, and he’s just the sweetest to JB, and watching him investigate with FP is just the funniest thing I’ve ever seen.  Also! His willingness to believe crazy conspiracy theories that turn Riverdale into an eldritch nightmare amuses me to no end. I love this grumpy, loving, varying levels of crazy, weirdly smooth dweebazoid of a gang leader.

2. Betty Cooper:  Oh man, do I love Betty Cooper; she is so much more than meets the eye.  She looks like a sweetheart, and even is to a certain extent, but underneath lies a certain ruthlessness, as well as a darkness and a complete disregard for the law when it suits her.  She’s so determined and so smart, and she doesn’t give up on the people she loves, even when maybe she should. And you just don’t fuck with Betty Cooper or the people she loves if you know what’s good for you.  Like a dog with a bone, that girl, she doesn’t let up on a mystery until the end, especially if her loved ones are involved. Betty Cooper is silk, or maybe something soft and fluffy, hiding steel in the best way, and I love her for it.  Watching her as she relentlessly pursues leads and does morally, ethically, and/or legally dubious things like blackmail people and bribe people is such a delight, as are her gentle and vulnerable moments when she’s not in tough investigator mode.  She’s just this badass sweetheart who will hunt her enemies to the ends of the earth, drag them back, and then, after turning them in, do something wholesome like go out for burgers and milkshakes with her friends or cuddle with Jughead, and I love that to no end.  For me, Betty Cooper is a very unique character, and oh, how I love unique.

- FP Jones:  God, this walking disaster.  FP is terrible at literally everything he does, and, for some reason, I really love that.  I mean, FP is Problematic, yeah, and my enjoyment of FP is partially rooted in some personal stuff, but I also just find him really amusing.  And watching him try to be an effective gang leader or a good father or a competent sheriff is just hilarious because he is so bad at all of those.  I especially love watching him investigate with Jughead, by which I mean watching him stand there all “yeah, this is official police business, you have to answer my questions” while Jughead does all the talking.  Also! The extent to which he is proud of his son is both hilarious and endearing, and the way he wants Jughead to keep writing and get out of Riverdale warms my heart. Look at this disaster man and his tragic backstory and his timeline that doesn’t make any sense and has always been too busy (He was in the army AND he has a chunk of priors that he must have committed as an adult because juvenile records are sealed AND he became the leader of the Serpents AND he started a business with Fred Andrews, at which point he must have no longer been in the Serpents.  Where did he find the time?). I love him.

- Penny Peabody:  Penny is, hands down, Riverdale’s best villain, probably at least partially because she’s used sparingly.  But I just love how mean and ruthless and cunning she is. Also, the way she condescended to Jughead all “Is that what mommy told you?” about her not-death was goddamn amazing.  Every moment Penny is on my screen is gold. Also, she’s largely competent. Yeah, the Joneses keep taking her down, but she always comes back as a legitimate threat. Penny Peabody adapts to whatever life throws at her, and I can respect that.

- Archie Andrews:  Weren’t expecting this, were you?  Honestly, Gladys could have also gone here (or in Penny’s spot), but I decided to talk about Archie today.  Archie is human golden retriever, and I love him for it. He’s a sweet kid, and he means well, but by god is he a dumbass.  He doesn’t quite belong in this show, y’know? Like, Jughead belongs in a crime movie/gang movie/Very Special Episode, and Betty belongs in a crime/horror movie, and Veronica belongs in a mafia movie, while Archie is just this regular kid from a nice family who should probably be in some wholesome coming of age movie or a dog movie or something.  But he still really wants to help! Normally I don’t like dumb characters very much, but for some reason I find Archie really endearing. Maybe it’s his devotion to people he cares about? And, man, Archie cares pretty easily. Yeah, he’s gullible and he was a fascist for a little bit there, but he’s mostly a good kid, something season 3’s juvie arc showed off really well.  He just instantly bonded with these other kids, and he kept that bond even after he left juvie. And he just took a random kid he just met into his home, and it was precious (even though it ended in him getting sliced). He’s got a big heart and an empty head, and I just love him.

And that’s it.  I’ve probably repeated myself a bit, but what’re you gonna do, y’know?

[letsgetfuckingsuperwholocked]

New Beginnings (Part 4)

Frank Adler x OFC

A/n: It’s been a hot minute… sorry! Life, you know? Anyways, enjoy!

Warnings: Evelyn… or should I say “evil-lyn”? IDK lol

Main Masterlist // Series Masterlist

 There were three rules Annie told herself she was going to follow, when she arrived in Florida.

Number one, she was going to see the ocean. The closest thing she’d seen to an ocean was Lake Superior in Duluth, with its vast, open water… but it wasn’t the same. She wanted to smell the spray of salt in the air and feel real ocean sand under her feet. Though the salt would definitely fuck with her curly hair, turning it into a complete frizz-ball, she was ready to take the necessary steps – and buy enough leave-in conditioner to fill a gallon bucket – to see the water.

The second rule she told herself was that she was going to move on. After the death of her parents, breaking up with Lance, and leaving the comfort of her home state… it was time. It was her decision to make the move, and she had to put on her big girl panties and deal with the repercussions. Even though she missed Gavin and Gracie with her entire heart. She was going to make new friends, start getting back out there and date, and explore her new environment – see rule number one.

The last rule was that she was going to stay relatively drama-free. That rule had already been broken, the day she got the call from Gracie saying that her brother’s brakes had been tampered with, and her little stalker had sent a letter to her new address – further proving that he would follow her to the ends of the earth. Drama free might have been on her wish list of life goals, but… it was easier said than done.

She was lucky, though. She had people who made the entire thing bearable. Mary and Roberta were over the second that Annie was back from work, she’d made a few new work friends, and Frank had been exceptionally nice to her since watching her break down on her back porch. He’d even gone out of his way to invite Annie and Elena to the beach with him, Mary, and Roberta – helping her check off rule number one on her list.

Thankfully, it was not an ‘adults wearing a swimsuit’ type ordeal. She didn’t know if she could physically handle seeing Frank in a swimsuit, without needing to baptize herself in the ocean to cool the hell off. Shirts were left on, toes were dipped in the chilly water, and sandcastles were made. Annie had practically annoyed the other two adults to death with her need to document the girls having fun in the sand – especially when she’d gotten an adorable picture of Mary on Frank’s shoulders – until Frank had finally had enough, taking her phone away and telling her to enjoy living in the moment.

What he didn’t understand, was that she wanted to re-live the happiness she was feeling at that moment, over and over again.

That’s why she wanted to document it.

“Knock knock!” Annie heard Mary yell from the back door, knocking on the storm door, which had been opened to let the breeze waft through the kitchen. “Can Roberta and I come in?”

“It’s open!” Annie called back, changing her shirt into something more comfortable. “I’ll be out in a second! There’s lemonade in the fridge!”

Pulling on a slouchy top, she heaved a sigh at the sight of the bright sunburn that burned over her entire upper body. She’d worn SPF fucking 50 and still got burnt! Stupid pale ass skin. At least it wasn’t as bad as it had been the day after they’d gotten back from the beach. That had been a nightmare of cranked-up AC, aloe gel, a shit ton of cold water, and some ice packs. She’d banished herself to the indoors until the burn was more of an angry, peeling pink.

Walking into the kitchen, she saw that Mary had another stack of books in her possession, containing facts about the Mexican culture.

“-and they have this holiday. It’s the one that was on that movie Coco. It’s called, ‘Día De Los Muertos’. Day of The Dead.” She explained to Elena, who didn’t look the slightest bit interested in what Mary had to say – considering she was wolfing down a stack of banana slices. “It goes from October 31st, to November 2nd. It’s super interesting. We should try to help you learn about it, and maybe even celebrate it. I think you’d enjoy it.”

“You finally sat down and watched Coco, huh?” Annie chuckled, smoothing down Mary’s hair before taking a seat next to Elena and stealing a piece of her banana when she wasn’t looking. “What did you think?”

“I can see why it won so many awards.” She replied, shrugging her shoulders and brushing her bangs away from her face. “Plus, I think it’s a good thing for the both of you to celebrate. It’s supposed to be a way to remember those in your family who have died. I don’t know if you believe in praying, or not – that’s your business – but it’s a way to pray to your loved ones who are gone.”

The pang that Annie got in her chest at the mention of her parents almost made her unable to swallow the little chunk of banana she’d stolen from Elena. She had a feeling that the pain would never go away… but would only become a dull pain as time went on. “I’ll think about it. It might be easier to teach Elena about it when she’s older, so she can understand what she’s celebrating.”

“You have a fair point.” Mary replied, sipping her glass of lemonade. “Frank told me that he can’t be the one to decide what I want to believe in. He said that I had to figure that out for myself.”

“Well, don’t tell Frank, but I agree with him.” She smiled at the young girl, snatching another piece of Elena’s banana – unfortunately getting caught and earning herself a whine from her daughter – before standing from the chair and walking over to her freezer. “I almost forgot. I got you something.”

Roberta’s face lit up in humor, knowing exactly what Annie was about to pull out of her freezer.

“What? What did you get me?” Mary switched into child-mode, practically bouncing in her chair at the idea of a surprise. “What is it?”

“Close your eyes.” Annie commanded, hand on the handle of the freezer, “And no peeking.”

The little girl did as she was told, scrunching her eyes closed, her entire face scrunching up along with them. She looked as if she’d just eaten something completely sour. “I’m not looking.”

Annie ripped open the door, taking the small package out of the freezer – the loud crinkle of the wrapper making Mary literally bounce in anticipation.

With a large grin, Annie held out the gift, so it was right in front of Mary’s face, “Okay, you can open your eyes.”

Mary’s eyes opened so comically fast, she looked as if she’d been a cartoon with her eyes about to bug out of her head. Once the gift registered, her eyes lit up in excitement, a shrill squeal escaping as she held out her hands to take the SpongeBob popsicle that Annie was currently offering. “A SpongeBob!”

The thing was a large popsicle bar that was shaped like SpongeBob SquarePants, colored yellow with the telltale buck-teeth and tie. The eyeballs were these weird black-colored gumballs that either fell off or turned your teeth black when you chewed it. Annie had showed a picture of it to Mary days prior, to which Mary had informed her that she’d never even tried popsicles that were shaped like characters. She’d only ever had the ones that come in the plastic tube that Mary had called a freezer pop, and Annie had called it a freezie – sparking a debate about the different terminology between Minnesotans and Floridians.

Apparently, Minnesotan’s were weird for saying ‘hotdish’ versus ‘casserole’.

Handing Mary the wrapper, Annie was glad to watch the girl act her age. She’d begun to appreciate the moments that the young girl would act like a normal eight year-old girl. Mary was one of a kind, but she was still so young. It was easy to forget, since she held more knowledge than most adults, and – after all the bullshit that Frank went through for Mary – Annie was determined to help her feel like she was having a normal childhood.

Frank didn’t ask her to do that – obviously, since he didn’t even know Mary told her about the court case and Mary’s mother – but she was going to do it, anyways.

“What do you say, Mary?” Roberta raised a brow at her as Mary tore through the packaging to get to the goods. “Mary?”

“Sorry!” Mary stiffened, turning to Annie with wide eyes, “Thank you for getting this for me.”

“You’re welcome, sweetheart.” Annie snorted, snatching the wrapper to toss in the trash. Her lips were lifted in humor, watching as Mary eyed the colorful pop greedily before damn near taking a chunk out of the top.

Turning to the sink to wash the sticky juice from her finger, she heard Elena whine for a bite – completely disregarding the delicious fruit she had in front of her and wanting the SpongeBob pop.

“You can have a bite, Elena.” Mary replied, her tone serious as she held the bar out halfway to the toddler. “But you have to say ‘please’.”

“Peeeeesh.” She whined out, making grabby hands at the bar. “Peeeeees.”

“Close enough.” Mary sighed, letting Elena take a small bite off the corner. “But you can’t have the gum. It’s bad for toddlers. You could choke.”

“That’s right, baby.” Roberta agreed, glancing at the pair over her book she’d grabbed from her bag on the floor. “You be careful with the gum, too. Don’t go swallowing it.”

As Mary started spouting facts about how long it took for the human body to digest chewing gum, Annie noticed movement outside the window above her sink.

Someone had pulled into the little parking area in front of Frank and Mary’s house.

It was an expensive car, the sleek body sticking out like a sore thumb among the older, dirtier cars in the area. The car was shiny and black, windows tinted dark enough that Annie couldn’t see the shape of the person driving.

That was, until the driver opened the door.

It was a woman. An older woman. She was dressed in a pristine pair of slacks and a crisp, white blouse. Her strawberry blonde hair was perfectly curled, and her face was hidden behind a pair of large designer sunglasses. She leaned back into the car, grabbing a large bag, before power-walking down the little path to Frank’s front door.

As she knocked on the front door, Annie turned to the ladies at the table in confusion, “Mary, honey, is Frank expecting someone? There’s a woman knocking on your door.”

Roberta’s demeanor immediately changed from her usual care-free self, to defensive and tense. Her shoulders stiffened as she quickly turned to glance out the kitchen window, narrowing her eyes at the woman who was knocking on Frank’s front door – face scrunched up in annoyance. “That’s Frank’s mom. Evelyn Adler.”

“Evelyn’s here?” Mary’s eyes lit up, as she wiped the colorful juice from her face with the back of her hand and set the pop on the wrapper. Annie, watching the sticky mess that Mary had made on her face and on the back of her hand, quickly grabbed a rag and wet it in the sink to help her clean up. “She said she was going to bring me more books!”

“Well, clean your face first.” She chuckled, handing Mary the rag before wiping her own hands on a towel hanging on the oven handle. “You don’t want to mess up Evelyn’s nice, white shirt with your SpongeBob hands.”

“Roberta, look.” Mary pointed to the melting SpongeBob, which only had one eye. “He looks like Fred.”

That loosened Roberta up a bit, as she snorted at the young girl’s antics. “Go say hello to Evelyn, before she leaves because she thinks you’re not around.”

The little blonde booked it towards the back door, screaming out her grandmother’s name in joy as she bound down the little, cement steps and ran to Evelyn – who looked shocked that Mary was coming from a random house.

“Do we go out there?” Annie asked Roberta, watching as Evelyn handed Mary the bags.

“You go out there with Elena,” The older woman replied, pulling her cellphone out from her bag. “I’ll call Frank and let him know that his mother is here.”

Oh, god. Did Annie really want to meet the infamous Evelyn Adler? After all the stories about the court case, and how Mary felt that her grandmother only wanted custody of her because she was smart? She’d rather punch the woman in her perfect teeth than have a civilized conversation with her, but… she’s an adult. She has to at least attempt to be the bigger person.

“Come on, Mija.” Annie cooed at Elena, holding her hands out to the toddler. “Wanna’ go outside to play with Mary?”

“May!” She screeched, attempting Mary’s fairly easy name. “Momma! May!”

“Yes, silly girl.” She snorted, sliding her out from her booster chair. “Mary.”

Hiking her up on her hip, Annie walked through the kitchen – nabbing her sunglasses off the counter and sliding them on – before throwing open the back door and stepping into the warm sunlight. The sun was too hot on Annie’s sunburn, but she ignored it – letting Elena down, so she could run to Mary.

“MAYYYY!!!!”

“It’s Mary, goofball.” Mary giggled, holding out her arms and crouching down to scoop up the small, curly-haired toddler. “Evelyn, this is Elena. Annie’s her mom. They live next door.”

“Hi!” Annie jogged over, a smile on her face. Fake it ‘till you make it, bitch. She outstretched her hand, praying that Evelyn wouldn’t copy the way she first met Frank, and leave her hanging. “I’m Annie.”

“Evelyn Adler.” With a mild look of distaste, Evelyn grasped her outstretched hand and shook it gently. Holy crap, this lady’s British? Why doesn’t Frank have an accent? Because that wouldn’t be fair to the world. “Charmed.”

“Nice to meet you.” Annie shoved her hands in her shorts pockets, awkwardly. Stop thinking about her son while she’s standing there. This woman looks like she could read minds. “Frank’s on his way home from work, I think, if you wanna’ wait for him. I have some lemonade in my kitchen, if you’re thirsty.”

“How old is your daughter?” Evelyn asked, ignoring Annie’s offer and watching as Mary and Elena played with a random kickball in the yard. “She looks barely two.”

“She’ll be two in just a few months.” A small pang of distrust squeezed Annie’s chest, as she watched the disgusted look on Evelyn’s face. “She’s kind of short, but I think that’s my fault. I got the short gene.”

“You have a toddler in these living conditions?” Evelyn scoffed, glancing around at the brightly colored houses in distaste. “The bugs alone is reason enough to have this place condemned.”

Now hold on a damn minute.

There was nothing wrong with the eclectic houses in the little community. In fact, most of them were freshly painted and there were talks of putting in a small playground. There were only bugs outside. Where they belonged. You hadn’t even seen a spider, yet, in your house. And what was with that tone? What was she trying to imply?

“Though I suppose I’m not surprised that Frank would choose a dump like this to raise my granddaughter.” She continued, glaring at the small pile of tools that littered Frank’s front step from his little project that morning. “He’s always been more concerned about what’s best for him.”

“Now, hold the hell on.” Annie held up her hand, tone firm. “I might not have known Frank for very long, but you’re one hundred percent wrong. He’s only concerned about what’s best for Mary. Frank’s number one priority has always been Mary. Can you say the same?”

“Excuse me?” She took a step back in outrage, hand flying to her chest like she hadn’t ever been offended like that in her life. Ever the victim, Evelyn? “Who the hell are you to judge me, you little harlot.”

Don’t lose your cool, Annie. Don’t lose your cool.

“Woah, now, lady.” Annie’s arms crossed over her chest as she tried to keep her voice down, so the girls didn’t hear them. “Who the hell are you calling a harlot? Anyways, what kind of mother says shit like that about their own child, huh?”

“What do you know about parenting?” She sneered, standing tall and looking down at Annie like she was beneath her. “What kind of mother-”

“Evelyn, what the hell?” Suddenly Frank was standing in front of Annie, shielding her from Evelyn’s wrath with his towering stature. Everyone has a towering stature compared to you, Annie. His arms were crossed defensively, as he glared down at the older woman with the same level of distaste. “What the hell are you doing here?”

Annie glanced over at the young girls, who were too enthralled by the kickball and ignoring the arguing adults altogether. Good. The girls didn’t need adult drama in their life. Roberta was sitting on Annie’s step, watching the girls but sneaking glances over at the scene unfolding before them. Stepping out from behind Frank, Annie took a few steps back and watched the younger girls. She snuck glances, like Roberta, and listened to the two while standing on the sidelines – hoping it’d be perceived as moral support, rather than eavesdropping.  

“I came to bring Mary some more books.” Evelyn sighed, running her perfectly manicured fingers through her hair in frustration. “Honestly, Frank, do you even care about her education? She needs more books.”

“She goes to her classes, she has her books, you get her books… She’s fine, Evelyn.” Frank nearly growled, which sent a small shiver down Annie’s spine. Down, girl. “I told you that you could come see her, if you were civil. What I just walked in to was the opposite of civil.”

“Oh, please.” Evelyn laughed, condescending tone in full force. It was a surprise that anyone talked to this woman willingly. “That little squabble was merely me putting a little harlot in her place.”

Annie whipped around with a glare, watching the older woman watch her with a glint of satisfaction in her eye. Turning to Frank, Annie calmed her demeanor, “I’m going to walk away before I sucker-punch the elderly.”

As Annie turned back around, a warm hand was suddenly wrapped gently around her wrist – holding her in place. “Hold on, Annie.” Annie glanced at Frank in confusion, but his scowl was directed at his mother. “Evelyn’s leaving.”

“Do I at least get to say goodbye to my granddaughter?” Evelyn’s face faltered slightly, but she caught herself and crossed her arms over her chest. “Or are you going to keep that from me, as well?”

Frank’s shoulders dropped slightly, and his hand slipped from Annie’s wrist – taking his warmth with it and leaving her skin to tingle. “Of course, you can. If she wants a relationship with you, I’m not going to keep that from her.”

Evelyn’s only response was a hum, as she walked towards the young girls and called out Mary’s name. Annie couldn’t hear the quiet conversation between Evelyn and Mary, but Mary sprung forward and wrapped Evelyn in a hug – laughing when Elena did the same. Evelyn’s demeanor shifted into a happier one, as she gently patted the toddler on the head and bid her goodbye to her granddaughter.

“I’m sorry about her.” Frank’s deep voice cut through the silence, and Annie’s eyes flicked over to the seething man. His shoulders were tense as he shoved his hands in his pockets and tried not to glare in Evelyn’s direction while the young girls were watching. “This is the first time we’ve seen her in person for… a while.”

Annie watched his eyes track the older woman’s movements until she was back in her shiny car, speeding off towards the town. She could hear Roberta – ever the mind reader – calling the girls inside to have some more lemonade and finish their snack. “You don’t have to apologize for her, Frank.”

“I know, it’s just…” He cut off, turning quickly and stalking towards the garage, hands shaking by his sides. Annie jogged after him, as he continued, “God! She’s just…” He whirled around at Annie, startling her into freezing on the spot – a small pang of anxiety and panic squeezing at her chest. If he were a cartoon character, his tanned face would be flaming red and steam would be shooting out of his ears. “What the hell were you two arguing about?”

She hesitated for a moment, not sure how to proceed. She could straight up tell him the bullshit that was spouting out of his mother’s mouth – possibly pissing him off further. She could pretend like it was no big deal – though, he would more than likely know that she was omitting the truth. She didn’t want Frank to be upset, but at the same time… Evelyn made her bed.

She settled for a happy medium.

“You.” She shrugged, adjusting her sunglasses and running a hand through her annoyingly frizzing hair. She needed to hit up a salon for some better hair product. This salty humidity was ruining her hair. “The girls didn’t hear anything, though.”

He stared at her for a moment, analyzing her – though she wasn’t sure if it was because he thought she was lying or what was going on in that head of his. Though, secretly, she didn’t mind him staring at her. This just wasn’t the situation she had in mind when she fantasized about him doing it… Knock it off, Annie. Jesus Christ.

Turning back around, he stomped over to his front step, gathering the leftover tools that he’d left there from that morning’s project. His hands were trembling as he threw the tools into his metal tool box with loud clangs, cutting through the silent breeze of the late afternoon. Annie was waiting for the moment. The moment he lost it.

It was like he was toilet cleaner and tin foil in a Gatorade bottle…

He was about to explode.

“Fuck!” He dropped a screw driver onto the sidewalk, before tossing his entire toolbox onto the ground – making Annie jump in place, heart pounding from the sudden clang of metal. Here’s the explosion. “God dammit.”

She watched as he slid onto the steps, running both hands through his hair – nearly ripping out the soft-looking strands – and trying to breathe properly.

Annie knew exactly what it felt like to be that frustrated. Though, she had a great relationship with her mother, she was very aware of what it felt like to be on the edge of a breakdown because of another human being. She felt that way every time she encountered her stalker. It was a feeling that left a knot in your stomach, and made you want to pull your hair out.

Taking a tentative step forward, she slowly approached him like he was a wild animal – ready to spring and attack. “Frank.”

He glanced up at her, and the mother inside of her nearly keeled over in heartbreak. Those were the eyes of a young kid. One who desperately wished for the love of a mother who didn’t give him the time of day. The look of a child who just wanted to desperately be loved. The shine of heartbreak in those beautiful blue eyes nearly brought her to tears.

He must have sensed the sympathy radiating from Annie’s petite form, because his face immediately became impassive, a wall building up before her very eyes. God… this guy was just as damaged as she was. His shoulders tensed slightly, eyebrows pulling together for a moment as she watched him get worked up, again.

Suddenly, he sprung up, scaring Annie slightly as she took a giant step back. “She’s a real piece of fucking work, I swear to god.” He began pacing, back and forth in the grass a few feet away from the steps, where Annie retreated – sitting down and watching him pace like an angry zoo animal. “She comes out of nowhere – out of nowhere – and suddenly wants a relationship with Mary? Why? Because she’s a genius?” He stopped, throwing his hands up in the air for a moment – as if shouting to the high heavens. “If she gets her fucking claws into her, she’s going to end up like my fucking sister.”

Annie was taken aback by that statement, though not completely shocked.

From what little she knew about the situation, he was pretty accurate.

“Over my dead fucking body is Mary going to end up like Diane!” He nearly shouted at Annie, as she sat there patiently, waiting for him to let it all out. Clearly, he needed it. This man needs a therapist. Who didn’t nowadays? He went back to pacing, scratching at his tamed beard for a moment while he pieced together what was running through his mind. “She fucking disowned Diane when Mary was born. She doesn’t deserve any moment of Mary’s time.”

He stopped, glancing at Annie’s house as if Mary could suddenly hear every word he was saying, shoulders sagging.

It was Annie’s turn to talk, now.

She sprung up, brushing off the back of her shorts and smoothing down her slouchy shirt. “Alright, get in the truck.”

Turning to her, his eyebrows scrunched together in confusion as he tilted his head, “What?”

“Get. In. The. Truck.” She repeated slowly, gesturing to her old pickup with the best mom-face she could muster. “You’re going to give me directions to the nearest drinking establishment, and we’re going to talk about it.”

“You don’t have to-”

“Too bad.” She began walking towards her house, Frank slowly following behind her. His lips twitched slightly upwards as her tiny frame bossed at him, but she was too busy taking charge to notice. “I’m going to ask Roberta to watch the kids and grab my purse. Truck’s unlocked. Get in it, Adler.”

“Yes, Ma’am.”

Part 5 ...coming soon to a tumblr near you!

-----------------------

New Beginnings (OPEN):

@fizzylollipop12 @joannie95  

FOREVER TAGS: (OPEN)

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[pomrania]

Important Matters II

((Part of the Little by Little AU. Continued from here))

((Thanks to @writebetterstarwars for the information on data storage; might seem a small thing, but it got me over a snag and let me continue writing.))

It was obvious, really. She only had one real course of action, in any situation where she felt like that, and that was to draw. Art always made her feel better.

Except when it didn't.

Sabine started blankly at the wall in front of her, a canvas waiting to be filled, but nothing came to mind. It just seemed... pointless, meaningless, when soon a full third of the crew wouldn't be able to appreciate her work.

She carefully put her supplies back where they belonged. She would never let her paint go to waste through carelessness; colours had been difficult to obtain, in those dark years at the academy, and the habit served her well. Art was there to be seen and experienced. An explosion might last for only a moment, burning through all its components, but the memory endured; paint spilled down cracks or dried in the can or thrown away was good for nothing and served no purpose.

She sat down, got up, turned around, and threw a pillow across the room in frustration. She sank back down, and let her eyes unfocus. Colours and shapes blurred together, creating new patterns and combinations. She didn't cry.

She remembered Ezra admiring her paintings, offering to be her "inspiration"; he hadn't been too pleased the first time she took him up on that, immortalizing the bunk-bed incident, but later came to see the humour in it. She remembered his compliments and giggles....

She remembered describing her art to Kanan, and how he would smile, but still look kind of sad.

"I'm sure it's beautiful." She had grown to hate those words. They meant that he couldn’t experience it. They meant that he was reacting to whatever he imagined, instead of what her own hands created.

They meant that he couldn’t see.

Sometimes she forgot; or if wasn’t entirely forgetting, then it didn’t matter to her. He could get around by himself, he could tell who was near him, he could fight, and it could seem as if everything was fine. He no longer stumbled or groped at walls, but there was still that gap between him and her paintings that couldn’t be bridged, could never be bridged.

Art was more than just colour, even if colour was what she felt most strongly. She had tried to find something that would work, something she could make that he could experience that could bridge that gap, but hadn’t succeeded. Attempting sculpture only made her fingers sore and her head hurt from frowning at the material that simply would not go where she wanted it to. She had researched, and discovered that there were entire planetary traditions of tactile art, but aside from those which required non-human anatomy to create and/or perceive, they seemed to need specialized expensive equipment to make.

She had given up, then, lethargic from grief and quiet despair (and that old voice in her head telling her that if even a Jedi could be brought so low, she didn’t stand a chance).

But that wasn’t an option any more.

So she wasn’t cut out for sculpting. Big deal. She would find something, some way of expressing what she saw in the world and what she needed to share, that could be experienced by people without full or any use of their eyes. If she had to create an entirely new branch of art, she would kriffing well do that. She was intelligent. She was creative. She was Mandalorian. She was a Rebel. She was Sabine Wren, Spectre Five, member of the Ghost crew, and she was not going to let anything stand between her and her family; not her past failures, not progressive vision loss, nothing.

Maybe she needed to start with the basics. Non-visual senses included sound, taste, touch, scent, and apparently the Force, but she couldn't do anything with that last one so she was disregarding it. She had never been that great with music. Cooking, although she enjoyed the results, wasn't something she could express herself with in any way more advanced than "it is cold, so warm food would be nice". People said that there was an art in mixing pleasant fragrances, but she didn't really believe it. That left touch, as before.

What could she get out of something just by feeling it? General shape, temperature, texture... patterns.

That reminded her. Dot writing, or the tactile alphabet as it was properly called, especially in the context she was going to use it.

She had first heard of it back at the academy, as a method in which messages might be passed. They hadn't been expected or encouraged to learn it, only be able to recognize it, and decode brief passages with the aid of a guide sheet. When the dots were raised, they could be read by touch, given sufficient practice and sensitivity; she wasn't able to do that, but it was possible. There had been maybe a brief mention that it was used as a form of written communication for blind people, but the academy didn't care about that. She had forgotten all about it, along with other things she had been forced to learn, until that suddenly became relevant to Kanan. 

She had looked it up then, found all the arrangements of dots that represented each letter, and tried to reproduce it. She didn't have any tools for that purpose, so had done her best with drops of dried glue and indentations on thin metal, solely to try and get the point across. It had been time-consuming and messy and probably not entirely accurate, but that was all she could do, to try and show the tactile alphabet to Kanan.

He hadn't expressed an interest in it. Then again, he hadn't expressed an interest in anything back then, so that in and of itself didn't say much.

There were two main parts to reading the tactile alphabet: understanding each symbol, and being able to recognize what symbol something was by feeling it. The former had been hard enough for her, when she only had to glance over at the guide sheet for the Aurebesh equivalent; she couldn't imagine how difficult it must be for somebody to have to learn both parts at the same time.

Ezra didn't have that problem though, not yet. He could learn it from looking at it, like any other code. And if he knew that, it would be easy enough to add raised portions to anything she painted, describing what it showed. It wasn't an ideal solution, or even close to one, but it would work for the moment, until she found something better.

She had a goal now, and a direction. She just needed to copy all her references on dot writing, make sure that everything was clear enough for him to read, and... get him to study and learn it, which was completely out of her power.

She slumped back. Once again, nothing she could do. No. Not nothing, never. She was only as powerless as she let herself be. She could convince him, or she would find something else. She had successfully mocked and evaded the Empire across a good chunk of the galaxy; getting one person, with whom she was already on good terms, to acquire a relatively simple skill was an attainable goal.

She still had files from when she was researching the tactile alphabet (albeit hidden deep in some folders so she wouldn't have to constantly look at them and be reminded of how she couldn't do anything). She could easily copy those to a datacard and give it to Ezra, and trust that she would be able to motivate him properly. But... would he be able to read it? Hera's datapad probably had the answer to that question, but Sabine didn't think that she would be able to read it.

She would deal with that later. Right now, it was most important to actually take action.

Maybe it would be easier for him to read something written on a sheet of flimsi. She didn't know, but it didn't matter. She could make a guide sheet of her own for him, along with the information on the datacard; and that way, there were more chances that something would work.

She loaded up the file giving all the letters of the tactile alphabet, and went to work on copying it out by hand onto flimsi. The dot arrangements seemed so arbitrary, but if she expected Ezra to memorize them, it was only right for her to try and learn it as well. She had vague memories of learning how to read as a little child, and how the shapes and lines didn't seem to mean anything, but that had eventually changed, and it was now intuitive. Anything that was physically possible could be learned, with enough practice. She believed that.

Finally, she finished making the guide sheet. She looked over it -- a bit messy, but acceptable -- and stretched her wrist. The files were loaded on the datacard. She just needed to get it all to Ezra.

She was in the middle of the doorway when it occurred to her that she had no idea of where to find Ezra. She mentally shrugged, and kept going. She would find him, eventually, some way or another.

"Eventually" ended up being not that long, as it happened. He was in that very corridor, slouched against a wall and trying to look invisible. She recognized that posture. It brought to mind happier memories, of pranks and trying to avoid the consequences thereof; jokes that were hilarious when played on Zeb (even if not so funny when she was the victim), and Zeb hunting after Ezra for retaliation.

She had never thought.... When he couldn't see, would he still be able to.... She blinked the sudden tears away, and shook her head.

It didn't seem like he'd noticed her. She wasn't sure if he could see her from there, at that angle; she didn't want to startle him, but she didn't want to insult him either. Now she could stand there all day hoping for a perfect solution to present itself, or she could do something anyways. There were no explosives involved, so it was safe to act first and think later.

She cleared her throat to announce her presence, and looked away from him. If he jerked up in surprise, if he turned his head in annoyance, or whatever he did, she didn't notice.

"Oh, hi Sabine." His voice was casual, like he hadn't just revealed -- how long ago was it now? It couldn't be more than an hour or two, at most -- something that would turn all their lives upside-down. "What is it?"

There was tension in every line of his body now. He seemed nervous, or hesitant, as if worried about how she would act. He didn't make eye contact, and for an instant she was worried herself -- was his sight worse than she thought? -- but then she realized he was just avoiding her gaze. Understandable; she was having a hard time looking at him as well.

Her body seemed to move on its own, and she stepped closer. "You need to learn this," she said in a rush, and shoved her pile at him. "Careful, there's a datacard in there. I copied the files out. For you. I wasn't sure what.... Anyways. You need to learn that," she repeated.

He reached for it automatically, and paged through it. He held one sheet close to his face, and frowned. "I've seen this before," he quietly said, more to himself than anyone else.

Really? Where? "Really?" she said. "Where?"

He flinched at that, for some reason. "On Noisi's door," he said, like the words were pulled out from him. "The med droid, that Kanan took me to. But it was raised there, the patterns. On the door."

Wasn't the droid's name "Enno-fifteen"? Not that she had ever checked the designation, but that was what Kanan used. Still, "Noisy" was a good fit, from what she remembered of the droid, from the one time she had taken Kanan to his appointment there.

If there were symbols that looked like dot writing, and it was raised, then it was probably the tactile alphabet. Maybe there would be other things she could learn from the droid, or at least ask if there were proper resources available instead of having to raise each dot individually.... "Huh," she said, to fill in the silence while her mind worked.

Ezra stepped back, and he held the sheets and datacard close to his body, like a shield. He turned partially away from her. "Is that everything?" he asked, and she realized that he was expecting unpleasant and awkward questions.

No. Not now. She would never do anything to hurt him. There was only one awkward question that needed to be asked at the moment.

"Can... can I give you a hug?"

He tensed at her voice, then relaxed once he registered what she'd said. "Yeah. Okay."

She wrapped her arms around him, tightly, like she could protect him from what was eating away at his vision by sheer force of will. He didn't melt into the embrace, like he normally did with a hug. She felt the stiffness in his arms, in his back, and probably all over. If only there was something more she could do to help!

"You know we will do anything for you," she fiercely whispered.

He gave a quiet, almost mocking, bark of laughter. "Yeah? Anyone got a spare eye I could borrow?"

She considered that. If it was a viable option, surely Ketsu would have a contact or two who could direct her to any organ --

He must have sensed the direction of her thoughts. "Wait, no, it wouldn't work," he hurriedly said. "Noisi said that. It was... something about optic nerves. Cybernetics as well. And heh, it was just a joke anyways, you know?"

She dutifully tried to laugh. It probably sounded like a mynock being strangled. "Anything else?"

"How about a blood oath not to make fun of me in any art I can't see?" From his tone of voice, he probably intended it as another joke. It was serious to her, though.

"I will," she murmured.

"Uh...."

The moment was over, and she let go of him. Nothing more she could do... No. There was something she could do.

"Make sure you read and learn that," she said again, and gestured vaguely at the stack.

"Why? What is it?"

Something to let you read when your eyes give out. "It's a thing. A thing you need to know."

He gave her that familiar "seriously, Sabine" look. It wasn't all about where his gaze was pointed, but also his eyebrows, so he would probably be able to make that expression without being able to see her. "That doesn't say very much."

She shook her head. "Something I was taught a while ago. A type of code. Or cipher, I was never very clear on the difference between the two. Just... check it out."

"Why?" he said.

She couldn't tell him. She could barely even think it for any length of time; there was no way she could say it. Suddenly she couldn't stand to look at him. She mumbled something indistinct and fled.

Once safely away from him, she wrapped her arms around herself. She had done what she could. Now she... what? What did she do now? She could go back to her quarters... alone, with her clamouring thoughts for company. She would rather not. But she knew where Ezra was, which meant he wouldn't be in the room he shared with Zeb. Maybe Zeb would be in, and she could talk with him.

She hesitated at the door to their room, then knocked. "It's Sabine." She didn't know if anybody was there, but just in case.

"Come in," Zeb called.

He was sitting on his bunk, the datapad from Hera in front of him. He looked normal, until she noted how defined the muscles on his neck were; he was clenching his jaw, and probably tensed all over.

"Get any reading done?" she lightly asked.

He glanced up at her. "I've memorized the table of contents, if that counts. Did you know that she appended an entire text on anatomy of the human visual system? At least, it's listed there, I haven't gotten far enough to actually check for myself."

She sank down beside him. "I wasn't able to even open it again," she said. "I just...." She let her gaze wander. "I tried to draw something, but it wasn't working." How many of the posters on the wall were important to Ezra? "I gave him the files I had on the tactile alphabet, and told him to learn it, but I couldn't tell him why."

He gave a soft grunt. "I don't think I recognize the name. What is it?"

"It's raised dots." That was easy enough to say. "The arrangement of the dots determines what letter it is, and it's easier to learn them by looking, so I just drew them and wrote the Aurebesh next to it."

"That sounds... interesting, maybe?"

She leaned into him. Zeb did have a noticeable scent from up close, but it wasn't unpleasant, and it was a reminder for one more sense that she wasn't alone. She wasn't dealing with this alone. "It's a form of writing for -- for -- a way to read without having to look. I thought that if he learned it, I could use that to put a description of my artwork so he'd be able to know what...." She sighed. "It seemed like a good idea at the time. It just sounds stupid now when I say it like that."

"At least you got something done."

"What about you?" she asked. "You can't have been only staring at that one screen this whole time."

"I was... remembering something."

She waited, to see if it was something he wanted to talk about.

"Now, I've never shared this with anyone before." He drew a slow breath, and turned his head away from her. "Do you remember Chava?" he asked.

The name sounded familiar. "Isn't she the old Lasat woman we brought to Lira San?"

"Yeah, that's her." Zeb picked at his nails. "Back on Lira San, when we were getting ready to go down to the planet... she pointed at Ezra, and told me that he wouldn't see his 25th birthday. I asked her what she meant, of course, but she said that she only passed on what was given to her by the Ashla. I tried not to think too much about it; we're in a war, after all, and there's no guarantee that any of us will survive the next week, much less the better part of a decade. Then, once we landed, there were better things to dwell on, and I pushed it to the back of my mind, but I couldn't completely forget it.

"In a way, and it sounds terrible to say it, but I'm glad he's going to be blind within a few years. It means that he won't see his 25th birthday. There's a way for me to trust a spiritual leader of my people, without believing that he'll necessarily die young."

She was silent for a moment. "You're right," she said. "That does sound terrible."

He flashed a grin in response, but it quickly faded. "I don't want it to happen," he quietly said. "I don't want my family to suffer. But I'll take anything, if the alternative is losing them."

"I remember when Kanan...." She rubbed her eyes. "It was wrong, and it shouldn't have happened, and then he was here but so far away from us for so long, and I don't know if I can go through that with Ezra too and come out the end."

He wrapped an arm around her shoulders. "It's a different situation, and they're different people. Kanan suffered a lot that Ezra won't; Ezra will be going through things that Kanan didn't. The only thing guaranteed the same...."

"...is that neither of them will be able to see anything," she finished. "How did this happen? We end up with the last two Jedi in the galaxy, and both of them have vision problems?"

She felt him shrug. There was no real answer to be given. "At least, with Kanan as he is, there's someone who can help Ezra with... everything he'll have to learn."

Everything he'll have to learn, which would be everything. She imagined it. She didn't have a choice in the matter; the mental images battered down the metaphorical doors and flooded her mind, flooded her eyes with tears again.

When she became aware of anything more than those thoughts circling around in her head, Zeb was holding her. When she could see clearly again, without the liquid distortion, she noticed that his eyes were dry, with not even a slight indication of muss in the fur underneath.

"You haven't been crying," she said, almost accusingly. If anything, the accusation would be directed at herself.

"I can't cry," he simply said.

That didn't make sense. "Wait, I know for a fact that --"

He cut her off. "It's nothing to do with my body. My eyes tear up from onions and irritants, and I can laugh so hard I cry, but I learned how not to cry a long time ago. I was forced to get so used to it, that now I can't cry when I'm upset even if I wanted to."

She wasn't the only one hurting, even if the others weren't as obvious about it. She remembered Hera breaking off mid-sentence, and Kanan reaching for Hera's hand, and Chopper's subdued behaviour... not to mention every single thing Ezra did. She hugged Zeb back. He needed it every bit as much as she did.

"What do we do now?" she whispered.

"We survive, and keep moving onwards. It's all we've ever done, and all we can ever do."

"How?"

He shifted, and unwrapped his arms from around her. "Maybe we can start by looking at what Hera made for us. She said there were answers in it to questions she thought we'd have, and once we know what we're dealing with -- what Ezra's dealing with -- we can better figure out what to do."

"What we're all dealing with," she corrected. If it hurt one person, it hurt all of them. They were a family. "Maybe... maybe if I'm going over it with you, I'll actually be able to read it this time."

"And I'll be able to get past the table of contents?" He reached across her and grabbed the datapad. His hand shook; not much, but enough that she saw the datapad wobble. Sabine steadied it with her own hand.

"We can...skip the intro page," she suggested.

"Not much we need to know on there anyways," he agreed.

They loaded up the next page. She squeezed his shoulder, and began to read.

[mastcomm]

Nick Kyrgios Holds His Temper, and Australia Holds Its Breath

MELBOURNE, Australia — Nick Kyrgios was not willing to be hunted.

During the opening points of his Australian Open match against the wily veteran Gilles Simon — known for his ability to lure opponents into deadly traps with deceiving softballs and sudden bursts — Kyrgios did not take the bait.

Instead, on a hazy Thursday night, the mercurial Australian played the start of this second-round match in a way that belied his reputation. He was controlled, contained, comfortable, and mature.

The result, early on: perfection. It was Simon who made the errors, Simon who became the prey.

Kyrgios, 24, tall, rangy and slope-shoulderedtook the first set in a mere 27 minutes, 6-2.

At that moment, as Melbourne Arena trembled with cheers, it was hard not to jump ahead and wonder about how this tournament and this year could unfold for Nick Kyrgios.

With his nation struggling to contain wildfires that continue to char the countryside and smudge the air, could this be the Grand Slam tournament in which Kyrgios, tennis’s most combustible talent, tamps his emotions and finally makes a deep run, a semifinal or better?

You could feel that kind of excitement in the crowd, in their willingness to back their prodigal son, their eagerness to believe he could do anything over the course of this two-week stretch.

It felt as if every one of the 10,000 fans was behind him. It was a carnival. As the second set began, just as they’d done from the start, they chanted his name, serenaded him, waved the Australian flag, and sprang to their feet to cheer his 130-mile-an-hour aces.

Everyone knew how he’d crashed ignobly in the last half of 2019, behaving in tournaments with such lack of control and disdain for the sport that he ended up in counseling after being fined a total of $138,000 and put on probation for six months. Everyone knew, just as well, of the time he’d taken off from the tour grind, time enough to reflect, and of his leading role in the efforts to help victims of the terrible bushfires.

After Kyrgios said that the fires had given him a reason to play “for something more” than himself, a primary narrative during the first few days of the Australian Open was that the tough times and catastrophic blazes had given him wisdom.

Above the din, from the corner where I sat 20 rows above the sea blue court, I could hear a man two seats away speak excitedly to a friend. “It’s the new Kyrgios,” he said. “New and improved.”

Was it?

Tantalizing, Yet Tempestuous

There is nobody in professional tennis quite like Kyrgios.

Nobody with his range of magnetic talent and emotion, so often unmoored.

Nobody with his churlish disregard for the old (and often stuffy) conventions of pro tennis. Who among the top players tries to drill a ball into the gut of a class act like Rafael Nadal, and then laughs it off? Kyrgios, that’s who.

He does not walk gentlemanly to the court. He struts, preens, postures — his style a constant nod to the cool, hip African-American vibe of his favorite sport, basketball, and the N.B.A.

Largely because of that vibe, there is nobody, at least among the top men’s players, who so easily taps into the youthful fans that tennis is desperate to attract as its future lifeblood.

There is nobody harder to figure out, harder to pin down.

Is he the man of the people who has recently led the movement among players to donate their winnings and raise money for victims of the local fires?

Is he the warmhearted guy who, last summer, reeled off joyous games of table tennis with ball retrievers just minutes before defeating Daniil Medvedev in the final of an ATP Tour stop in Washington?

Is he the human tornado who touched down in Cincinnati last summer, smashing rackets into graphite bits, derisively calling an Irish umpire a “potato,” and spitting the umpire’s way?

Is he the wayward soul who has played large chunks of matches by simply going through the motions, essentially quitting?

Or is Kyrgios the game competitor who, in 2014, at age 19, announced himself to the tennis world by beating Nadal on his way to the Wimbledon quarterfinals?

He has beaten not only Nadal, but also Roger Federer and Novak Djokovic. Few can say that. But his ranking of 26 remains mired in the broad no-man’s land that exists just outside the top 10. Despite constant talk that he was capable of stepping to the fore and upending the Big 3 hierarchy in men’s tennis, his last trip as far as a quarterfinal in a major was in 2015.

It’s hard to watch Kyrgios — with his wide smile, his style, his penchant for pulling off trick shots, his fierce serve and searing forehand, his oh-so obvious talent — and not fall for him.

And it is hard, at the same time, not to be left wanting and disappointed.

Game. Set. Match.

Kyrgios seemed utterly in control for a very long swath against the 35-year-old Simon.

But then the finish line drew near. Just a few games from the clean sweep of a three-set win, Kyrgios’s lesser self emerged. Soon, he was missing easy shots. Suddenly, he radiated tightness.

He had already chirped at the umpire when admonished for delaying play, and mockingly mimicked Nadal’s time wasting tic of tugging on his shorts and tussling with his hair. The message was clear, and brought to mind the pleadings of a child: Nadal gets away with it — why can’t I?

Now, Kyrgios looked and sounded equally petulant as he began heaping a barrage of barbs at friends and advisers near the court, as if they were to blame for his shoddy play down the stretch.

The general look among the faces in the overwhelmingly Australian crowd became one of stricken, nervous worry. They want to believe in Kyrgios the way they believe in the women’s top seed, another of their own, Ashleigh Barty. The difference is they can count on Barty. They know what to expect: unwavering effort, quiet humility. They don’t know what they’ll get with Kyrgios. They had seen him self destruct plenty of times before.

“He’s on the edge now, of something not good happening,” said one of the commentators on Australian TV. The commentator was John McEnroe, who of course is as expert as any at diagnosing the fraying emotions of a player on the verge of losing control.

Sure enough, the wheels wobbled all the way off. Simon rose up and snatched the third set. What seemed like a sure thing was now a fight.

The match marched forward, and as the games went on in the fourth set, Kyrgios’s mood only got worse. He would describe himself after the match as being close to going to entering a “dark place.”

But something interesting happened along the way. Watching closely, you could see him change. He stopped looking up at the stands, put an end to the salty barbs. His sloping posture straightened. His face grew focused, serious, intent. He began playing with just enough control to be dangerous again.

He dug deep, centered himself, and found his footing.

Soon enough he edged ahead, the front-runner once more, just in time.

Match point.

The crowd roared, insisting he end it. He tossed the ball toward the pitch-dark sky, struck it with as much force and clarity as any ball he had struck all night.

Ace.

Game, set, match, Kyrgios: 6-2, 6-4, 4-6, 7-5.

Nothing is ever certain when he takes the court. Maybe he will flame out in the next round. Maybe he will keep going, perhaps all the way to the last weekend. Nadal potentially awaits in the fourth round. What a contrast. The ultimate professional versus the ultimate question mark. There does not appear to be much love between them. It would be one of the most anticipated matches of the tournament.

The potential of that was enough on this raucous evening to savor the moment, to fall for the full range of the quixotic and talented Kyrgios as he found his way to a spirit-lifting win.

from WordPress https://mastcomm.com/sport/nick-kyrgios-holds-his-temper-and-australia-holds-its-breath/

[decandnicoletraveladventure-blog]

Weeks 5 – 7

(Around 23rd October to 6th November)

 Okay, here comes blog post number three. I’ve got to be honest; I’m finding the prospect of writing this one a little bit daunting, as we have had quite possibly the busiest two weeks of our lives. As per usual though, I’ll start where I last left off. ..

When I last wrote, we were staying at Danbulla national park. What I forgot to mention was that on the way to there, we made an impromptu stop off to go and explore a waterfall and gorge that was signposted. This tuned out to be a brilliant decision, as it was here that we saw a tree kangaroo! Yep, turns out they’re thing, I was shocked too – who knew?!

Anyways, on the second day of staying at Danbulla, we were just packing up to leave when a wonderful older woman named Sue came toddling over through the rain to our van, offering us the use of her kayak to explore the lake on. We had been quite keen to move on, but her incessant generosity soon changed our minds and, after dragging us over to her van and FORCING us to eat some delicious, freshly caught Yabi, it didn’t take long before I found myself sitting on a kayak in the middle of the lake feeling very at peace with the world.

 The originally gloomy day only proceeded to get better and better for us, as we heard a knock on the van later that evening and opened the door to reveal the most welcome sight I ever did see. There stood Sue – wonderful, brilliant Sue – with an entire freshly baked loaf of Banana Bread in her hands, iced and adorned with big chunks of walnut, which she had cooked especially for us. I still don’t know what we did to deserve such wondrous generosity. All I know is that Sue was a blessing which we could never have anticipated, but very readily accepted. 

All good things must come to an end, and in the morning we waved goodbye to Sue and carried on with our exploration of the Tablelands. Or at least, we attempted to. Nature had another plan, though.

 It was only a few minutes into our wet, rainy journey that we were quite literally ‘stumped’ by a huge tree that must have fallen during the night’s storms. After a lot of heaving from Dec and myself (I’ll be honest, I mostly overseeing and directing the procedure), we earnt ourselves a couple of leeches for our efforts (ew) and a clear passage for Sherman. Hoorah!

Onwards we went to our next planned outing: Undara Lava tubes. After a very long, desolate drive, we finally arrived. It felt like we were in the middle of nowhere. Unfortunately, we hadn’t done so well at planning ahead and researching our destinations, for it was here that we discovered the lava tubes were only accessible through an extortionately priced tour. Unprepared as we were to dish out the funds, we decided to make the most of the location and instead explore some of the free trails surrounding the area. This turned out to be yet another great choice, as it was here that we had some of out greatest wildlife experiences. We encountered Cows, Parrots, and Lizards but, most importantly, we saw heaps of Kangaroos and Wallabies – many with their baby Joeys! I was lucky enough (i.e pushed the limit enough) to stand literally a foot away from a Joey and its Mumma. It was an insane experience and a real highlight for us both.

 After Undara, we made a pit-stop to experience some natural hot springs in Innisfail. It’s definitely true that the sulphur creates rather a potent aroma of eggy farts, but it was the closest thing that we’ve had to a bath since being here, so we weren’t fazed.

And shortly after Innisfail, we made another little pit-stop to experience Millaa Millaa Waterfalls, where the view was as breath-taking as the freezing cold water. Nonetheless, with a total disregard for our core body temperatures, we plunged in and experienced the full force of the waterfall from directly below. Another crazy, awesome experience – it really takes your breath away to be pelted so hard with such cold water like that!

Unfortunately that night, we were less lucky with our camp-site choice than we had been thus far. We were blessed with the company of a very loud lunatic, who spent the night drinking and shouting at anyone who dared walk past him to get to the toilets. Needless to say, we didn’t hang around; once the sun was up, so were we, and we skedaddled out of there pretty pronto.

Our next drive was a long one, which saw us covering quite a stretch of long empty roads. Luckily, there were a couple of little fillers to help break up the day for us. One was a long, two and a half hour hike through thick, dense rainforest, which made us both acutely aware of how thoroughly we both dislike hiking through thick dense rainforest – it feels awfully claustrophobic when the trees are so dense all around and overhead that your barely reached by sunlight. The other was a much more successful ice cream stop at a very quant road-side shop which had lots of interesting fruity flavours, as well as Declan’s all-time favourite; Ginger. Needless to say, he was a very happy bunny.

We finally made it to our next free camp spot, and what a spot it was. Named Balgal Beach, the location allowed you to park up practically on the seafront, and permitted campers to stay for 2 nights per week. We relished our time there, enjoying yoga practices each evening and morning, and cooking up some great food on the free BBQs provided. We also met another far too generous individual, Steve, who was a welcome face to bump into again at our next camp stop, Saunders Beach. There, his kindness even excelled his humour, as he charitably helped us restore poor Sherman, whose sink and lights had stopped working, to his former glory. Once again, the considerate act was done simply out of the kindness of his heart – he wouldn’t even accept a pineapple as thanks for his hard work! Asking only for the two of us to ‘pay it forward’, which we promised and endeavour to do.

Once again though, we sadly waved goodbye to our newfound friends, and continued on our journey South. We zipped through Townsville, where I picked up a hammock, a bike rack, and a ‘pop-up ensuite’ from individuals on Gumtree – forever a bargain hunter -  and carried on down to Airlee Beach. Here, we FINALLY met up with Ian and Jordy. It was great to see some faces from home, and having their company made all of our shared experiences so much more fun. It was from Airlee beach that we went on a day trip to the Whitsunday Islands, a series of beautiful white sand islands surrounded by clear turquoise blue waters that are filled with amazing wildlife. We snorkelled with insanely huge fish, spotted turtles from the boat, and found the most picturesque lookout point to date.

The drive from Airlee beach to our next location, Hervey Bay, was a long one. 12 hours long, in fact. We broke it up with an overnight pit-stop, and attempted to take a lunch break in a mountainous national park. Unfortunately, Sherman was having none of it. The old man had worked far too hard, driving for 6 hours at motorway speeds, and simply refused the vertical inclines we were now attempting to have him do. So, whilst Jordy and Ian enjoyed a lovely lunch break with a bush turkey atop the mountain, we took poor old Shermy to a nearby mechanic. Luckily, all was deemed well, and so we continued on to Hervey Bay, successfully arriving without further issues. Fortunately, Shermy got a couple nights’ rest at a nice caravan park here, whilst we went gallivanting off on a tour of Fraser Island with Jordy and Ian.

 The tour was conducted in a HUGE four wheel drive coach (google it, they do exist and they are insane) and consisted of lots of lake visits, forest walks and sand-driving. What really made the trip for Dec and me was the Dugong sighting we caught, the baby Dingo which we stopped the coach to watch as it ran in front of the vehicle, the private plane tour of the island that we splashed out on that took off from and landed on the crazy gorgeous white sand beaches, the brilliant people that we met, and the hilarious evening that we shared with them playing a (classic) game of Ring of Fire. It was an awesome couple of days which totally wiped Dec and me out, so we left it a day before ploughing on to the next stop: Australia Zoo.

 I think Jordy, Ian, Dec and I all spent the entire day there crying (on the inside, gotta keep that game face) at the constant reminders of Steve Irwin filling the Zoo. It was as heart-breaking as it was inspiring to see the impact such an incredible man has made, and the memory and legacy he has left. The zoo itself was enormous, and took the entire day 9am-5pm to explore. The animal shows/demonstrations they held were fantastic, and we all had an exceptional day experiencing the wildlife close-up and learning about the Irwin family, and the zoos many conservation quests. Dec and I enjoyed ourselves so much, in fact, that we returned the following day to visit the adjoining Australia Zoo Animal Hospital, where we saw a poor little koala with his arm in a cast, and learnt a little more about the work they do to help animals far and wide.

 And that, my friends, was weeks 5-7. If you’ve stayed with me and read through it all, kudos to you – you’re probably as exhausted now from reading as I am from writing.  

We’re a little further on from where I am leaving off now, but I will leave writing about our latest adventures for the next post.

Until then, stay tuned.

 Nicole and Dec

 14.11.2017  Evens Head Library