#it just doesn't feel worth it these days
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Less than 2 days left until the current fashion project expired and I still haven't bought it, call that ✨character growth✨
#i have not missed one since the aecond fashion project but sometimes I do regret buying them bc i barely use them???#like the extra rewards are great for my diamond stash but idk#it just doesn't feel worth it these days#especially since i usually buy them to get recharge points
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i lost my funny and silly bone guys, i just wanna post jokey posts but i'm honestly being affected really badly by all of the shit going on in this fandom, it's really hard for me to just "ignore" the racist and anti black fans bc it's like every other day i'm learning/seeing that fans are anti black and like i don't know how to actually exist in this fandom with all of this shit happening like i'm not joking when i say my interest has completely decreased bc of it and with the latest shit aka the fans thinking it's normal to go to a fucking plantation and take a white funko pop of a character who was a plantation owner and do a cute lil photoshoot, my interest is like almost at zero.....
part of me feels like i'm being dramatic but lol idk this whole thing cuts too close to the bone, like, my GREAT grandma was born on a plantation in the south this shit is too close to me and for these ppl it's all just joke idk guys tell me if im taking it too seriously
i only started interacting with the fandom like 2 months ago and i'm already so tired this isn't good st all, how is this fandom this terrible for black fans, why can't ppl just be normal :(
#i love iwtv but staying in this fandom doesn't feel worth it#i don't feel like being in this fandom is good for my mental health lol#cant lie i'm already reverting back to my old fandom atm#i've been in a bad state all day#also for anyone confused i'm british american? or whatever idk#me yapping#probably won't be online like i'm genuinely so ?!? upset idk#it's just building in me rn
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I will never make this because it would be for an audience of one (me) but ever since reading "If we Were Villains" (story about serious drama kids in college who perform shakespeare and deal with a murder) I have been entertaining the thought of a crack fic crossover with High School Musical The Musical The Series where the staff decides they will no longer put on shakespeare after the tragic accident that happened at Thanksgiving, because Shakespeare plays would only increase the tension and drama. So they hire Ms. Jen who decides their spring play will actually be High School Musical (which exists in the 90s in this universe) and it ruins the vibe so much that everyone gives up on being dark and mysterious because they're universally pissed at Ms Jen for making them learn choreoraphed basketball dancing.
#if we were villains is actually genuinely good and has actual literary worth and pulls from shakespeare in an intelligent meaningful way#but unfortunately all i can do is comedy so this is the only fan content i have to offer :(#THE THING IS iwwv is just hsmtmts if it hsmtmts was good and also they committed crimes#they utilize the same parallel of casting choices with real life drama which I love#umm so casting: Meredith would be Sharpay Obvi. I think it would be really funny if James was cast as Ryan bc they hate eachother and would#have to pretend to be siblings working together. And I think ashley tisdale and Lucas Gabreel actually didn't get along when filming#also i love the thought of Ms Jen looking at James and going “i know what you are”#HOWEVER it would be more interesting if james was Chad to Oliver's Troy (which is really just reversing their Romeo and Juliet moment)#bc chad is like nooo don't do theater... stick with me and do basketball... but it would be Coded Subtextually#Unfortunately Wren would be typecast as Gabriella and I don't think that would cause drama bc I don't believe James actually liked her!#I think it was comp het bc she was very sweet and nonthreatening as opposed to Meredith's big flirting energy so she would be a “safe” crus#lets lean into that actually. this gives Wren a chance to have a personality (bc I enjoy this book but it is not good at fleshing out women#So oliver and Wren spend more time together and kind of talk about James a little and Wren is like yeah James is very sweet#and I like him but it feels so hard to get him to feel comfortable with me... i guess he's just closed off and doesn't talk much#we also get to see more of her personality and interests maybe she's like I relate to gabriella because I also like to Read :) feminism#and oliver is like Hmm That Is Not My Experience With Him perhaps our bond is deeper and James does like me Hm#And then Meredith can flirt with him as Sharpay and James gets pissed and in character gets very intense about how Troy can't join THEATER#that's why he's upset and sad bc sharpay represents theater and only that reason and nothing else and he isn't in love with oliver At All#Alexander can be Ryan now since James is Chad (and he's also Gay) and Filippa can be Kenzie bc they're both queer coded#Anyway at rehearsal one day Meredith and James and Oliver are having their fighting over troy moment and then Meredith stops and is like#wait guys. This musical is so freaking stupid. why are we even doing this#and their mutual frustration at their art being turned into a farce is enough to bond them together and they're like#we need to focus on our REAL enemy: ms Jen#and then they hatch a scheme and it's probably like. They dump a bucket of fake blood on her at opening night a la carrie#and then put on their own rebellious production... it still has to be a musical because i like musicals#families with children are in the audience and they're like OK FOLKS! HERE'S ROCKY HORROR PICTURE SHOW!#if we were villains#iwwv#hsmtmts#high school musical the musical the series
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to put a long story short: at the end of ffxiv's base game, literally Directly before the beginning of its first expansion (heavensward), there is a series of quests and story arcs that eventually snowball into an hour-long cutscene in which the entire thing comes to a head in the literal worst way possible. like, "the hero's plans all go horribly wrong and several major characters die onscreen, with others going missing (presumed dead), eventually culminating in the player character being framed for the murder of the leader of a nation-state and being Literally Forced To Flee The Country" wrong.
heavensward leads directly on from this plotline. you arrive at the major location of the expansion in the midst of seeking asylum whilst being a wanted criminal everywhere else in the world right now. it's like. A Whole Thing. the game makes such a big deal out of it all. the fandom does as well. and for good reason!! it's a really good moment!!!!!!
and then roughly 1/3rds of the way into heavensward you find out that literally none of it mattered. nobody important actually died, no changes were actually made to the status quo, and nothing comes of being literally kicked out of the country for (what is implied to be) several in-universe weeks, if not months. None Of It Mattered. None.
TLDR; the bloody banquet is a major, exciting, and very infamous twist that seems like it's going to segway into a MAJOR upheaval of the status quo and some really intriguing ramifications for the story as a whole... and then heavensward does away with literally all of that and practically writes the entire thing off as a waste of time.
you may be able to see why i'm so salty about it.
#also worth noting that the nation-state leader (who's death was The one you were framed for)#was assassinated specifically because she was trying to reform her country's merchantile incredibly corrupt leadership system#into a more bearable democracy that would give voice to the people instead of the greedy scumbags currently in power#one of the members of the syndicate (a group of rich people who at this point have more power than the sultana- her)#tried to kill her bc. well. obviously reformation would mean they wouldnt be in control anymore.#and so her supposed death is the big crux of the bloody banquet#and then. THEN. heavensward goes OUT OF ITS WAY to reveal she is not only ALIVE AND PERFECTLY FINE#(she got drugged with the classic fantasy eternal sleep that looks like death medication)#but that her plan for reformation was ACTIVELY STUPID. she DOESN'T GET TO DO IT. NOTHING ABOUT THE STATE OF UL'DAH CHANGES#THE GAME JUST TELLS YOU BETTER GUYS ARE IN CHARGE NOW AND EXPECTS YOU TO BE FINE WITH THAT?#AS THOUGH THE ORIGINAL PLAN TO CHANGE THE SYSTEM ENTIRELY WAS THE FLAWED PART OF THIS EQUATION?#god. i hate it so much. if you're not gonna change the status quo at least have the balls to kill off a character for christ's sake#i can rant abt it all day. it's just such a travesty on every level#yin-thoughts#ffxiv#also for the record ''bloody banquet'' is a fan term. the whole thing isnt called anything in-universe iirc#it's just a catchy title for an infamous sequence wherein people die at a banquet. you know how it be#it's just. god. something about it is just so utterly vile. the game all but looks nanamo (and to some extent the player) in the eyes#and goes How Dare You Try And Change The System. You're Stupid For Thinking This Could Work.#it feels so disingenuous and mean spirited and now the entire thing just leaves the worst possible taste in my mouth#and it SUCKS. because the bloody banquet scene itself is INCREDIBLE. but the way the game handles it after it happens is just#so bad!! it's so bad!!!! aughhhh it's so so so so so bad!!!!!!!!!!!!!#the ffxiv writers are so in love with preserving the norm and so terrified of changing it up and/or killing off established characters#ive ranted abt it before and knowing myself i'll rant about it many a time again. it just sucks man#ffxiv crit
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Bloodborne's glorious "fuck you we're not telling you shit" Elden Ring's traitorous "fuck you we're not telling you shit"
#Might feel more that way in bloodborne because the hunter is an outsider and the best thing they can really do is get away#Survive the night and move on. It's what Gehrman wants for you at least. What the Doll always prays for.#Find your worth in the waking world.#You're here to witness Yharnam's end. Not ages past the glory days but right in the thick of the fall. Too late to do anything but watch#Elden Ring as is just doesn't carry itself on the surface level as well for me to respect some of the gaps#Especially since there's lots of gaps that could easily be filled by our associates#Eileen and Alfred are almost certainly as in the dark as we are
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Experimental drawing to test out the range this new art App I downloaded is. Decided to draw my singular Undertide, Quake! Used a bunch of texture and halftone brushes and I love the result.
#My art#Art#flight rising#undertide dragon#my dragons#Art app is called infinite painter#It's very close to procreate but it's available for android devices#It cost $10 just like procreate but I think it's more than worth it#There's also a free 7 day trial if you just want to try it out first#10/10 would reccomend#For anyone who doesn't use apple products but still likes the feel of procreate
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#hey like. not to be really annoying i shouldn't be doing this aged 32 but i'm really struggling#every time the weather gets cold i feel like i am entering winter with more and more despair#i am really struggling this time#every day is a struggle to get through#i'm losing my hair#i'm losing my reasons to live#i keep putting on a full face of makeup and clothes in my room at like 2am just to desperately try to feel human#i keep saying i don't know if I'll survive the winter and people keep laughing but I don't mean it as a joke#i'm sadder than i've ever been and everything feels like it's falling apart#whenever i get the chance to confide this in people i get told that i'm strong and i'm a survivor#and that i should do some shit to make me happy#and yea i can stave it all off for a few minutes with like a trip out or some makeup or something but it all feels like bandaids#for a serious wound that's going to go septic soon#like this isn't a way to live a life#i don't want to 'be strong' or a 'survivor' anymore i want to be fucking happy#i'm tired and promises of brief happiness between ever worsening pain feel almost patronizing at this point#i woke up the other day in the middle of the night and as soon as conscious thoughts hit my brain i almost doubled over#if i had been not on the first floor i think i might have jumped then and there#i want to be loved and feel like my love is worth something#i want a clean apartment of my own and a career that doesn't feel like it's designed to kill me#i'm 32 and still essentially feel like i'm living my life like a teenager#i want sun and suncatchers and healthy plants and a wardrobe that fits my clothes#and i want the will to actually get up in the morning#i endured all of this for so long on a delusional belief that things were going to magically get better#but i realize now they won't#i became aware of the bounds of my cage with no means of escaping them#i'm sick of living each day oscillating between numbness and grief i can barely eat i can barely work i can barely laugh#and no one's coming to save me#i'm agonized by the idea that this is maybe what life always is for everybody#is this how it's supposed to be
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I recently got out of a toxic and unhealthy friendship on here. I had to be the one to end it; hopefully the other party decides to leave it be and not smear my name due to realizing it wasn't healthy and that I had to end it because of it.
Basically, if someone makes you start feeling like shit, from your life, to your goals, passion, and everything else, then it's not a rewarding friendship. And it's hard to sometimes see it in the moment. Because you want to think the best of peeps, especially ones you care about.
But sometimes the healthiest thing for You is to know when to put your foot down and end it, even if it hurts you and them. At the end of the day, you matter and what you're doing matters and no one has the right to make you feel shit for who you are when you're just living your life. Life is hard enough without adding peeps who make you feel that way or question how you live when, prior to them showing up, you were happy with all of it.
To anyone in a relationship or friendship like that, I hope, like me, you are able to take a stand and realize you deserve better.
I knew I was being manipulated but not how much until I talked to others close to me. I pray you all never have to experience such a thing because damn, you know you did the right thing, but feel so fucking guilty at the same time.
But your happiness matters. You matter. Please remember that.
#personal#me#had to make a post. it's been eating at me since I ended it#you feel so fucking guilty but know it was the right decision.#i feel happier and lighter#its weird cause I've met my closet friends on here who are so incredible and supportive and respectful and I am in return#so to have one spiral into....that....was hard. and hard to realize despite my stomach aching day after day trying to tell me that#this was a shit situation and I deserved better#if someone makes you feel like shit and makes you believe you deserve to feel that way: leave#just leave#block them#life is to damn short to share it with people who will only make it worse and and make you feel bad as a person#i have more self respect than that#and sometimes it's hard to tell cause I want peeps to get along and have a good time when I care for them#i like making peeps happy. it brings me joy. and I tend to do it naturally without thinking.#so it's hard to sometimes see when it's not healthy#i pray for anyone in a relationship/friendship like this#know you are worth it and no one has the right to make you feel like that.#when someone doesn't respect that you have a life and can't be there 24/7 and take it Personally when you can't....like no#I've had so many friendships on here that respect your time and realize messaging comes second maybe even third or fourth#and it sucks when the opposite happens and it just gets worse and worse.#And them using 'i used to be a therapist so I know you better then yourself' should never be an excuse for them putting you down EVER.
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work colleague (the one who I'm working on a project with, who was supposed to be showing me the ropes - which she already barely did - who is supposed to be a superior while our boss is on parental leave) told me that I need to join the team leader meeting next week "so things dont escalate again" bc apparently her temper got the best of her (she told me this herself btw, which.. jfc)
and I feel SO uncomfortable at even the idea of that thats I've been feeling sick to my stomach over it since Friday. I'm still an intern ffs, I don't get paid to do her job, which is to explain what we're doing and to explain why we're doing it. I didn't decide on making this a whole thing, and I certainly didn't sign up to take her place while she throws me to the wolves (clinic admins who are pissed that change is being introduced to how they've been running things for years)
I know I need to address it, and at least tell my boss, I feel like shit reaching out to him while he's supposed to be on leave, but if I don't push back and give in now when there's also so many other ways she's been dodging her responsibilities then idk.
she barely communicates which is the basis for working with anybody, and even when *I* reach out she barely ever replies and leaves me hanging, unable to progress in certain tasks just bc I *literally* don't know shit yet bc I've been working there for a total of two and a half months max. just.. boss guy would be happy for me to stay on but honestly that lady has as bad a temper and worse social skills than the lady who made my last job hell enough that I was out of commission for almost three years, first on sick leave and then in various rehab/therapy programs just to make it back to being able to work again.. I really don't want to go down this road again
so I guess I do need to write this all down tomorrow in a message to him and hopefully he'll at least acknowledge that this is a shit situation to put me in and have a talk with her. but idk tbh. not sure what to do if he asks me to still join that group meeting on Friday, also terrified of her reaction if he does bring it up with her, ngl
last time she got "upset" she didn't talk to me for a whole day, didn't reply to my message before I left for 5 weeks and then still didn't leave a single message to explain where to continue in our project before being gone herself for another 2 and a half weeks.. that kind of childish pettiness idk. really don't want to have to keep dealing with her
lazy colleagues idk sure it's frustrating cleaning up after them, but this kind of behaviour is as close to intolerable as things get before I need to get myself the fuck away for good
#anyway. sorry for the long post#I also already wrote a note for myself with what to bring up when I write that message tomorrow#but I keep half-talking myself out of it bc it's hard to rationally quantify the terror I feel at dealing with behaviour like that#like.. I know part of it is past trauma response. but there are very rational reasons why this behaviour shouldn't be tolerated#and still I feel like he might decide that I'm more trouble than I'm worth or that it's not worth dealing with her moods#he knows the whole group has issues with her. I'm sure they've brought it up plenty of times to him so this isn't news#which makes me think that he either gave up or doesn't know how to handle it either#either way.. if my attempt of asking for help leads nowhere then idk what I'll do. prob not stay post internship for one thing#which sucks bc I love the work we do and the rest of the team#fuck#a day in the life of..#sorry. just needed to write down my thoughts again bc I ready know this'll keep me up and give me stress dreams tonight#I've done what I can to distract myself but my mind keeps wandering and my chest hurts
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I slept so much today AND we're falling back tomorrow so I get even more time to sleep AND I'm only working at caregiving job this month so my work is going to be contained to regular business hours <3 <3 <3
#a sock speaks#work tag#migraine? I don't know her#obviously this doesn't guarantee that I will sleep well but my chances are so much better#on the other hand I am going to need more meal planning or else I'll run into trouble there#at restaurant job I can just show up without eating first if I need to and just get some mozzarella sticks to eat when I get a free moment#for caregiving job I can maybe prepare a snack to eat at a client's house but I feel so awkward eating there#so if it's under 4 hours I'm probably not going to#and bc of my (not quite ARFID but bordering on it at some points in the past) picky eating I struggle with cold packed lunches#then I also have training this month in the afternoons#Zoom some days and in person other days#and the sessions are like 3-4 hours long so I assume there will be breaks but I need to plan so I don't crash#I think I'll usually have time to come home for lunch if I have things that are quick to microwave. worth the trip I think.
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hate my sister's shitty good for nothing boyfriend. can you imagine being a 30yo man with two kids who won't even scramble an egg. Not for his kids, not for his girlfriend, not for himself. literally if my sister doesn't leave out pre-made meals when he's watching the kids he will rip up bread or pour them dry cereal or open a granola bar and make himself microwave dinners. like, lowest effort possible. but if i mention this to my sis, she'll be like "no he's definitely cooked for the kids! he scrambled an egg for them once! i watched him do it!" but it's like...so he scrambled one egg in the last five years. just to like, prove he can? at your direct insistence? should we all clap? like seriously. hate this guy. had to really hold back recently because he had someone over and he was interacting with the kids more than usual for appearances, and he had to keep asking me and my sis what the 5yo was signing because he barely bothered to learn his own son's primary form of communication. i was so tempted to say "that one means 'go home' but you wouldn't know that because you don't take them anywhere." so hard to hold that in. If I had to describe this man in two words they would be these: Low Effort. Not quite bare minimum, but JUST enough to convince my sister that it would be too much hassle to get rid of him. he's stupid as fuck, but just smart enough to quickly stop shit like screaming obscenities at the kids for doing normal kid things. and he once stomped on my headphones and broke them in a fit of rage, but gave my sister money to replace them so it was "fine." Like, my sister thinks that he's just struggling with his anger issues, because he had a bad childhood, blah, blah, and oh he would never actually hurt her or the kids. and like, good for you, but i don't trust like that. genuinely hoping he gets struck by lightning and dies instantly.
#my sister and i do all the hard stuff and most of the easy stuff too tbh#cooking and cleaning and sorting out benefits and insurances and getting the kids to school and events#doctor's appointments and medications and dentist appointments and taxes#we get the groceries and care for all the pets and kids and household things#we both have jobs#i actually have 3 jobs#good for nothing boyfriend makes $12 a year plus some under the table cash as a “private trainer”#which means between that and selling his plasma and borrowing money from his mom he can...pay his super cheap tiny part of rent#and occasionally hand my sister like $20#he doesn't buy groceries or diapers or household supplies or clothing or toys or literally anything#literally the only household chore he does is fold laundry#that's it. and it's not “DO” laundry. it's just folding the clean and dry stuff#you know. the chore my parents would have us do when we were like 10 so we'd feel helpful#the 5yo is medically complex and we frequently make trips to a slightly distant hospital with him#and they literally asked us to stop bringing my sister's boyfriend along because he was disruptive and confusing#which was a polite way to say 'obnoxious and stupid as shit'#do you know how many times in one visit w/the same doctor he would ask 'so when does he get superpowers?'#he also obviously didn't know how to answer basic questions like 'how many times does he poop a day on average'#and 'how often has he been eating and what has he been eating day to day?'#like bro this man can go days without changing a diaper and will not even heat up a can of spaghettios to feed his own kids#he cannot answer those questions with any kind of accuracy#also i'm saying boyfriend because my sister desperately wanted to at least be engaged so she could say fiance in front of ppl#but just like marriage this was apparently a 'waste of effort'#not even the cheapest ring or the most underwhelming proposal or a courthouse wedding was worth his energy so...#yeah glad she hasn't married this waste of air. and i'll be praying for that lightning strike
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Maaaaaaaaaaaan, come on.
(the post has ended up in the tags btw. I am not changing this and I need you to understand that it is just me talking to myself semi-publicly)
#Nevi Writes#things said by a guy writing a thing he doesn't even intend to be writing and it's like 10k of words now. >:[#while that's true I do want to emphasize that nobody should get excited about it right now tho okay#because like it's just. idk. I feel very much like it could end up not worth pursuing anyway. it's just a little baby wip.#(when the fuck did my little baby wips get to be 1/4-1/2 the length of my previous 'finished' stories!! what the hell)#it just feels nice to make words tho. and it does have that kind of 'ah good to catch up with these guys again' vibe which is nice.#even if the break has once again been like. on the order of days to a week maybe. I'm so bad at this taking a break business suddenly. lel.#but I don't have anything much to say about it at this point#other than I'm debating inventing a reason that presidential elections would have been moved by a couple of years between now and 2212#what is it with me and having to be so damn precise with dates in this whole narrative. am I just mad that Capcom never tries?#(yes) (so mad)#(and 2212 would actually be an election year is the problem. I want time to have passed but I also want there to be a pres. election.)#(it's fine don't worry about it)#(this is how I decided that Blucifer got bload up and then replaced also. weird reliance on mashing up IRL things and fictional explosions)#(but it's fun isn't it? got that veneer of verisimilitude. I'm good at long words)#idk this is inevitable isn't it. but I'm going to keep playing like it's not. I think I need a little more space for this one mentally.#the first one just sort of fell out of my head fully assembled and the second one did that also but with different vibes#though it did actually take some cutting things and adjusting things to make it work which Failure to Compile did not#Failure to Compile was bizarrely effortless until the mad editing dash. Outcome Unpredictable was WORK#fun work at least! but in hindsight it was definitely more work to make it flow properly.#the real job for the 3th if it happens is gonna be wrapping up threads without dropping new ones in bc that's such a habit of mine now
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there are twenty seven songs in my félix playlist which means a few more and i can do a monthly writing game. why am i saying this when i have several important wips i am meant to be doing? well, you see
#🌃#felix fathom#felix graham de vanily#i have complicated feelings about having a playlist because this is unlike me#the only playlists i have ever made are ones i hypothesize characters would listen to and i write pages of accompanying meta for why their#life experiences and psychologies would lead them to those music tastes#i've never had a playlist of songs that remind ME of a character before#i mean i think it's decent i still have standards but it's a new experience i sort of feel like i'm god or i'm in purgatory#anyway what am i even talking about here#félix makes me do all kinds of ridiculous things#for the record my recommendations are#coin operated boy abraham's daughter oh no! neighborhood 2 the mind electric and the hand that feeds#maybe when i have a month's worth i will make one of those graphics#yay that's fun#MY MIDTERM IS IN TWELVE HOURS WHAT AM I DOING#i suppose it doesn't have to be a writing game i could learn how to make gifs#or webweave or make moodboards or screenshots or even#just post lyrics in a definitely normal length reblog chain#dog days are over is the last song in my playlist because i think it's funny and flairmidable and florence and did i mention it's funny#because he's scared of horses#LMAO#god i love him#what was i talking about again#hey#does tumblr have a tag limit
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#tko_art#you are the most talented#most interesting#and most extraordinary person in the universe#And you are capable of amazing things. Because you are the special.#What's it like to hold the hand of someone you love?#do you long for having your heart interlinked?#do you feel that there's a part of you that's missing?#what will you have after 500 years?#oh i forgot the airbrush for the depth#i thought this was pretty good but i just remembered the top lid doesn't really ahve shape#whatever#tried doing the shadow on the corner of it's eye too#that didn't work out lol#i'm starting to slowly think that putting the time and effort into being my friend is not worth it#asked my therapist how to start believing words and she completely misunderstood it#because at the end of the day yeah words are just words and no matter how much u try to tell me I won't believe you#and i get it i get it i get it i just can't apply it#anyway might fuck around and rewatch one piece and catch up#it's eating me up inside#you dont get it#what's not to love#argue with the wall#ok well the fanservice sucks ass#makes me want to kill myself
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I don't have a lot of energy these days [because of The Horrors] so I'm looking at my day and my priorities and trying to plan how I'm going to spend what energy I have, because I do need to be able to rest and relax but there are also things that need doing and that is a careful balance for me.
I managed to [mostly] clean the kitchen last night so I've kicked it out of the priority list until next weekend. Unfortunately the living room, bathroom, bedroom, and my office all need cleaning too. I think of the priorities, my office and the bedroom are the most important to me, so I'll probably push the living room and bathroom until at least Friday.
There's also the laundry. I don't have any clean clothes and as we're moving into winter I need to be more rigid about getting that done because days where the clothes can be dried on the line will be more limited. So I definitely need to wash an outfit or two and hang them up in the next hour.
That's already a really busy day, so I'll probably cut it there. But it's definitely going to still leave me a lot of work this week. Half my cleaning, at least one more round of laundry, settling dog food for the next couple of weeks, planting the fall/winter greens, doing some set up work on my computer, work on some writing projects, cleaning out the fridge, and patching some worn clothes. My work week isn't insane atm, but it is definitely limiting. Right now I have 6+4+0+4+2+5+5= 25 non work/non-survival needs (sleep, food, shower, etc) hours available each week. I need to figure out a regukar distribution of these that means everything is getting done and I still have an hour a day to myself as often as possible. I think it's probably not realistic to give myself more than an hour a day for free time/fun, which is a bit unfortunate because I've found in the past that my floor tends to be getting 2-3hrs of free time most days because of how I deal with transition and decision-making.
25-7 [1hr per day] is 18 hrs, so I just need to decide where and how to distribute those in order to keep pace with things.
Lets say the garden needs 3hrs per week, the laundry needs 4 hours (specifically 2 sets of 2 morning/early afternoon hours), the cleaning needs an hour a day to get through a maintenance clean of the house, and 3 hours once a week to work down any deep cleaning that's built up. Which is....already three more hours than I actually have each week. So I guess I'll make a plan to work in the garden for 20-40min of 4 of my free hours each week.
It really doesn't leave me any wiggle room. Only about 4 hours a week that isn't explicitly allotted to something that needs doing, which means there will probably me a lot of weeks where I only get an hour or so at best across the whole thing for free time. I guess I've had a hard time accepting that at this point, having actual time for myself or a time-intensive project is only available if I've taken a day off work. I love my job, but it's ... not comfortable to realize that it's the only love in my life I actually have time for anymore.
I think that's probably why I end up here so much. It's this mindless little way of zoning out into my own head, dissociating away from the exhaustion, for a few minutes at a time. I keep thinking I want to use this space differently, make it more if the things I enjoy. But I think what I really want is just to actually have the time and energy to do things I love that take work. I keep crying a few times every day and I couldn't figure out why, but like
I dunno
Why **wouldn't** I cry a little every day? It's the closest I'm getting to actual emotional release or relaxation in my life. We'd probably all cry. Heck. A lot of us probably DO, capitalism being what it is.
I guess I'm starting to wonder why I'm doing what I'm doing. What is there left for me to sacrifice to this life? What is actually serving me about not just letting myself go up like a fireball and take my surroundings with me? What in the ever loving fuck am I fighting this hard for?
All I ever want, all I want now, is to be able to live. To really, actually live. How does wanting to live bring you this close to killing yourself, whether on accident or on purpose? What am I actually doing that is LIVING and what am I doing that is FACILITATION of living? It can't all be facilitation, or I'm not actually facilitating fuck all.
I'm 30 goddamn years old and I need to figure out what it looks like to actually love my life. I fundamentally refuse to zombify myself like this for everyone else around me forever.
#i really wanted to believe that if i just sat down and did the math i'd be able to figure it out.#but there is literally not enough time in the day for me to do all this.#i suppose i could sleep less. it's...not great for me to get less than 9 hrs a day#but i could probably pull it off for brief stints#a week on a week off or something#get an extra two hours a day that way#and then of course there's my old go to#i could just stop eating or taking care of myself#lord knows it's my well-being that restri ts my time more than anything else#and if i work myself to death like mom did instead of committing suicide at least the life insurance pays out#in case anyone gives wifey inheritance trouble#i already don't eat until dinner so that part won't give me a TON of extra time#but an hour a day at the end of the night to write does sound lovely so it might be worth it#on the weeks i sleep less i could use my 2 extra hours a day to do ingredient prep so that wifey's food doesn't go to waste as much#maybe even work on the garden and the yard's facilities a bit. i have a few projects that need time and attention so those'd fot in#if i cut my pain meds too i could put an extra $50/week back in my budget and i could use that for project supplies and emergency funds#god even thinking about this is making me so tired.#i don't know what this will leave of me#i've been doing this so long now#feels like the last time i remember having a consistent hour to myself every day was my BA sophomore year#and that was the first time too lmao#i'd spent high school waking up at 3am every day after going to bed at 12am because I needed to do my hw in the mornings#my bus left at 7:30am and i had to do all my paper assignments - make myself lunch for the day - wash dishes/tidy the kitchen - and THEN#i could finally make sure i had my shit together for the bus and maybe nap for 5min#then i didn't get home from school until 4pm and i had to fix the kitchen from whatever my parents did before i got back#then make dinner for the family#then clean the living room from whatever the pets had dome all day#then take the dog for her nightly walk and take a shower#and usually sometime after dinner around 9pm I would get permission to run to my room and try to get a head start on my hw before 11pm#that was my lights out curfew so it gave me a blessed single guaranteed hour to do something for me.....assuming i could stay conscious
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