#it is currently 12 am and i can feel the weight of my life on my shoulders and not only my life but it is

[etchedstars]

one of these days the knowledge that my life & my friends lives are imploding will not gut me to my core. unfortunately that day is not today

[aozui]

YUJI had a baseball cap phase, you can’t convince me otherwise. alternatively: I MISS THE TRIO BADDDD :((

for the ones who wear claw clips: he’d be the type of boyfriend to put yours on the back strap, parading it around like he would an ‘I ❤️ MY GF’ tee (he has one of those too), and he wears his relationship on his sleeve. on his forehead, actually. he never shuts up about you.

“he’s like a walking billboard for her,” nobara scoffs, “you can’t be telling a curse ‘I’m gonna marry the shit out of my girl’, moron. especially not two seconds before blowing their brains out.”

itadori shrugged, “I am going to marry her.”

“that wasn’t my point, airhead! don’t you have any morals?” nobara yells from below as she hammers a nail into a disfigured blob—exorcizing it. last of many.

the trio were on yet another mission, a minor one. yuji had been texting you the whole ride there. megumi rolled his eyes so far back into his head you could see the whites, nobara fake-gagged a few times.

“stop being such a wet blanket, kugisaki.”

“..where’d you learn to say that?”

(they both look at megumi)

“what?” megumi’s hands were shoved deep into his pockets. from that angle, he sort of looked like his dad. the one that stepped up I mean! not the other one.

“nothing.” (yuji, nobara, in unison)

safety makes you careless. they’ve gotten used to these back and forths on the walks back to the dorms. it makes their youth feel less abnormal; as much as either of them would hate to admit, they’re all each other has. it’s no surprise that they get defensive over him when it comes to you. it doesn’t help that you’re from jujutsu high’s kyoto branch.

itadori thinks of you a borderline unhealthy amount, and they can’t deny the expression he makes when he does. happy he’s happy. his phone buzzes in his hand,

yuji 7:88 AM: soooooooo tired

you 8:03 AM: mission? sorry slept in pretty late

yuji 10:11 AM: yeah 👎

yuji 12:00 PM: I miss you

yuji 12:00 PM: fushiguro keeps glaring at me LOL I think he’s jealous I’m texting you. or that I have someone to text at all aha

new message! you 1:55 PM: 😭 maybe he just doesn’t like.. me

he frowns at this. the other two are having a debate over dinner. or something. he’s not paying attention.

you 1:56 PM: how’d the mission go?

you 1:56 PM: [3 attachments] had a late lunch with miwa <3

itadori’s developed a habit of fiddling with your things when he misses you. he pulls at the hair ties you’ve lost on his wrist, touches whatever marks you left on him the last time he saw you in person. and of course, the clip.. that.. isn’t.. there? they must notice the panic on his face, because they stop talking, while he frantically pats himself down, swearing under his breath.

“did you lose something?” someone asks. he isn’t sure who. everything was starting to blur.

your name is in white gemmed cursive on the hair accessory—black, matching his current favorite cap.

yuji started to get sentimental when he realized how precious life is, how unfair it is that death doesn’t pick favorites. he figures that if you’re going to lose someone, at least remember them. and what better way to remember than holding onto something that belonged to them?

it might’ve been the weight of the day. it was probably just his head messing with him. the trauma from seeing so many lives get taken away in front of him. supposedly a flaw in mindset. an aftereffect of trauma. but he was losing his mind over a hairclip.

it was yours, and you trusted him with it. he can already hear the “it’s fine, I’ll just get a new one.” yet the guilt still gnaws at him from the inside.

“are you turning pale?” he’s almost sure it was nobara.

they were worried. the voices kept getting smaller and smaller—more concerned by the minute. by the time itadori realizes he’s having a panic attack, he’s in a different place: sat next to you in a hospital waiting room, claw clip in your right hand, left hand in his.

he recognizes it from somewhere, the hospital.

he feels like he’s been here before. he chooses to assume it’s the familiarity of having you around.

you notice him staring, and give him a disarming smile. yuji feels his entire body relax.

how can the sight of someone feel so good?

“they found it a block away from where fushiguro called the ambulance.” you lean on his shoulder as he runs circles on your palm with his thumb—watching the nurses and patients pass along. “he was worried about you. they both were.”

itadori’s quiet, so you keep going.

“I wouldn’t have been upset.”

“I know.”

“you do?”

he nods. “I just don’t like losing things.” and it feels like some kind of cursed metaphor for the things he leaves unsaid, the things he hasn’t healed from. it feels like a secret. both of you let the statement seep.

“you won’t lose me.”

yuji looks up at you, waiting for more.

“nobara told me you wanted to marry me. and to call her nobara from now on,” you laugh, “I think I’ve been accepted somehow.” he grins at that.

“I would’ve said yes.” “..yaga would’ve scolded me.”

“because we’re young?”

“because I’m a moron, apparently everyone thinks.”

“I don’t think so.” “well you’re different.”

you two sit there for awhile, talking about things that matter, things that don’t matter. normalcy—the sole thing he craves, he has with you.

“I’m never putting baseball cap on ever again.” he says, serious all of a sudden.

you pale. “let’s not say anything we don’t mean.”

the next week, he had a new one on, because you bought it. said it looked good on him. you’ve always had a way of giving itadori a new perspective, anyway. people may think your relationship is weird. that you’re a moron for choosing the moron. none of that matters, though. you’re his anchor, and he’s yours.

A/N excuse any typos and grammatical errors, haven’t been feeling like myself lately so this was just a 3am brainbaby </3 don’t love this & I might delete later, I’ll let it sit for now

masterlist

[forcedtogrow]

DAWG okay so masc transguy to masc transguy, WHAT THE FUCK IS YOUR ROUTINE

i haven't had regular access to a gym until now and i gotta get your physique man. i'm pre everything and i wanna make sure i have pecs post-top surgery someday it may or may not be so that i can pin my future bf to the mattress and plow him. if that means anything.

My current routine has been changing because I’m not patient and I very much like to push myself to the limit. If I didn’t have obligations to my job and people in my life I’d probably workout 2 hours a day, but that’s not the case. I worked up to this routine and am trying out higher volume right now, which seems to work for me. Also, my current split might seem weird because I don’t do shoulders and chest the same day, but I like to do them separately to be able to push myself as hard as possible on both muscle groups, which isn’t possible when I do them together. You need to do flat, incline, and decline bench for the results you want, period. The accessory stuff for chest is not that important which is why I don’t incorporate much of it right now, but I will throw in chest flys or something randomly.

Current 5 day split routine:

Upper Body Power Day:

Bent over barbell row 3x5

Pull up 3 sets to failure

Rack chin up 3 sets to failure

Decline dumbbell bench press 2x5-8

Decline bench press again but my palms are facing towards me, so the dumbbells are facing in at a V shaped angle (targets slightly different lower chest) 2x5-8

Triceps dip (weighted) to failure 3 sets

Seated overhead press dumbbell 3 sets to failure at weight 70% of my max

Lower Body Power Day:

Barbell squat 3x5, heavy as possible

Hip thrust 3x5, heavy as possible

Deadlift 3x5, heavy as possible

Standing calf raises (smith machine, standing on a platform so my calf can stretch down) 4x15

Leg extension 2x 12-15

Leg curl 2x12-15

Russian twist holding 35lb plate on a decline bench 2x30

Decline crunch holding 25lb 2x30 or failure

Hanging leg raise holding 15lb dumbbell between my ankles 3x15

Back and Shoulders Hypertrophy:

Bent over barbell row 6x5

Rack chin up 3x12 or more

T-bar row 3x12

Lat pulldown 3x10-12

Seated overhead press barbell 3 sets to failure (I find standing makes it easier, so I always do overhead sitting)

Ez bar front raise 3x12-15+

Reverse cable fly 3x10-12 or more if possible

Dumbbell shrug 3x10-12 or failure

Lateral raise 3x10-12

Chest/arms hypertrophy:

Barbell Bench press 5x5

Incline bench press dumbbell 4x10-12, very slow, take arms wide and to the lower chest, and press up at an angle towards upper chest

Incline bench press smith machine 2x10-12

Preacher curl 4x10+ (if I’m feeling it I might do up to 20+ reps right up until I’m afraid I’ll hurt myself)

Decline bench barbell (70-80% of max weight) 2x10

Chest press machine 2x12 or to failure

Cross body curl 3x12

Tricep cable extension 3x10-12

Cable hammer curl drop set, start at weight you can do 12 reps of and descend for 4-5 sets going to failure at each weight

Legs whatever day:

Barbell squat 7x failure for each set basically

Hip thrust 70-80% of max for at least 3x12-15

Calf press on leg press 4x15

Leg press 2 sets, but for each set do 10 reps and wait 20 seconds and do 10 more reps.

[ethereal-angel111]

Things I’m doing in 2025 for the biggest glow up in history

Step 1: Screen time limits and no more doomscrolling. I’m going to be putting limits on certain apps the only social media apps that won’t have limits is Pinterest and YouTube

Step 2: Mindful eating! My goal is to lose weight but why go on a stressful diet when you can just manifest it lolz. But I do feel the need to be slightly healthier than what I am at the moment. Also gonna work on manifesting that everything I eat is healthy even if others see it as “unhealthy” cuz I’ve seen that manifestation work for a lot of other people :)

Step 3: Get some sort of exercise daily. Doesn’t matter what it is or when I do it it just needs to happen at least once per day

Step 4: Live in the end and be delusional. My goal is to live like I already have everything I desire and to stop caring about the 3D and other peoples input.

Step 5: manifest, affirm and persist as much as possible. Pretty self explanatory lol

Step 6: achieve desired style and aesthetic. I’ve been pretty unhappy with my current aesthetic so I wanna work on that

Step 7: have so many hobbies and be good at all of them. Right now I don’t have many hobbies and I never work on them ever but I wanna change that in 2025! The main hobbies I wanna work on is art, dancing, singing/rapping, fashion, makeup, editing, journaling, and content creation

Step 8: Grow on social media! I want to be popular online and have my desired fans/fanbase!

Step 9: Make and listen to lots of subliminals. My goal is to have a subliminal go up on my channel at least twice a week! I also want to listen to my sub playlist at least once a day

Step 10: Develop an unbreakable mindset. I want my mindset to be perfect and 100% unstoppable! I’m actually working on this one right now so I can be prepared for the new year

Step 11: Become my OC irl!!! This is one of my main manifestations but in the new year I wanna work on this one on a new level. I made my OC to be my dream self before I even found out about manifestation. I thought there was no way I could be like her so I would just daydream about her constantly but now that I know about manifestation I know becoming her irl is possible

Step 12: Treating myself like a god/deity. I already do this one a lot and I talk about it a lot because I swear by it!! I wanna take it to the next level in the new year tho because I deserve it <3

Step 13: Always feel motivated/inspired. Pretty self explanatory tbh but I feel like I need to bring my motivation and inspiration back from the dead

Step 14: stop doing the things I want to stop doing. Bad habits and anything I want to stop is gonna be out after new years. Skin picking is the biggest thing I want to stop but I have multiple things on the list of things I wanna stop doing

Step 15: connect with Mother Earth more. I love her and I want to spend more time with her 💚💚 I feel that spending time in nature and with Mother Earth is important and I don’t do it enough

Step 16: stop being afraid or embarrassed to do things. I’m gonna do whatever I want when I want fuck embarrassment it’s literally a societal construct. I’m not gonna limit myself or my life to make it more palatable to others

Step 17: post lots. I wanna learn to post a lot online while also not spending all my time doomscrolling on social media. Also I wanna make up for all the negativity and over sharing I posted on social media in the past by posting fun, creative and nice posts

Step 18: MAIN CHARACTER ENERGY!! I’m the main character and I’m gonna act like it. The whole world is gonna see me as the main character of life! >:3

Step 19: live like your dream self. Before I do literally anything I’m going to think “would my dream self do this?” Or “what would my dream self do right now.” This mindset will help me become my dream self so quickly I can feel it!

Step 20: become a global well loved it girl. Not much to say about this one lol

Step 21: take lots of pics and vids for memories. I used to take so many pictures and videos all the time to look back on and now I never do which is kind of sad

Step 22: prove everyone wrong. I wanna show everyone that they should have never doubted me or given up on me. I want everyone who ever treated me wrong to realize how much they fumbled

Step 23: spoiling myself and letting others spoil me. I deserve princess treatment from everyone including myself :)

Step 24: no more procrastination, if it needs to be done then do it ASAP. I’m sick of never getting anything done and stressing about shit I don’t need to be stressing about

Step 25: move out. I need my own place desperately y’all don’t even know LOL

Step 26: get the income of my dreams. I’m sick of having no money y’all

Step 27: get dream job/jobs. I wanna be a full time artist, idol, and content creator. I wanna start my own business and stuff! ૮꒰ྀི >⸝⸝⸝<꒱ྀིა

Step 28: achieve my dream sleep schedule. I wanna wake up at 9:30am and be asleep by 12:00am every night. I’ve already been working on this one a ton and I’m doing really well!

Step 29: manifest/work on achieving my dream appearance and personality. This is one of the biggest things I wanna manifest and work on in 2025!

Step 30: meditate and journal daily. I used to do this all the time and it had so many benefits so I definitely wanna start getting back into it

Step 31: look into dreams and their meanings. I’ve heard a lot of people talk about gaining a lot of insight on their life through learning about their dreams and what they mean so I want to give it a try

Step 32: be grateful for everything and show gratitude for the present instead of constantly complaining about it. I’ve heard people talk about how this mindset helped them manifest faster and I personally feel that this is a beneficial mindset to have even if you aren’t manifesting

Step 33: show my kindness, love and empathy to at least one thing a day (preferably more). It can be a living thing or a non living thing it doesn’t really matter

Step 34: become more knowledgeable on my species! I am part human but I’m also part a couple other things (I don’t feel comfortable saying them here tho). I wanna learn and connect with my species more :3

Omg this post is so long I’m sorry (*꒦ິ꒳꒦ີ) thank you for reading and I hope some of these steps help to inspire some of you as well! Let’s all become the best version of ourselves and live our dream lives in 2025!

[kaile-hultner]

GoFundMe Update, 8/12/2024

Hey y'all! it's been about a week since the last GoFundMe update. We've hit a pretty predictable slow period in this fundraiser, a kind of doldrums, but I also got super busy over the last seven days, so it's all good there. So what's been going on in the past week?

To start with, as I mentioned last week I'm down to just one installment loan. This in itself has already made a massive difference just even in terms of how I'm feeling. It no longer feels like I'm being crushed by this massive weight on my shoulders or chest. I know I've mentioned this a lot, but it's such a weird feeling after experiencing the opposite for most of my adult life.

With that, things are already starting to change rapidly: my credit score has gone up 23 points in a week and a half, for example. I hate that this is even something we should have to pay attention to, but I can't help but feel relieved when number go up instead of down. The number of phone calls I'm getting per day, in the evenings, on the weekends - all the debt collection calls - has dropped dramatically. Now it's mostly just spam and companies trying to get me to take out more loans with them. I've experienced a burst of creative energy that has gotten me back in the game-playing-and-reviewing saddle - I just wrote a piece about "A Short Hike" as a donor request fulfillment exercise. (You can check that out here.) I was able to get through an entire weekend of work at my side-gig with no issues or delays—something I haven't been able to say for a few months. And when I finished that work? You'll never believe it, but I didn't feel stressed out or exhausted! I felt normal!

This doesn't automatically catapult me into 24/7 comfortable living, and now I really have to focus on the hard and dirty work of living within my means, building a budget and being an adult when it comes to daily choices, but I always knew that. This GFM has never been the magic bullet that would solve all of my problems - and I've never wanted it to be. However, it's helped assuage such a significant portion of my problems that I can focus on other things for once, and navigating that for the first time has been a pretty significant experience! This comes after months of having to transfer my paycheck from my bank to my Apple Pay account and a litany of other sketchy shit just to make sure it didn't all get swallowed up by various debt repayments and years of sometimes paying rent in parts instead of all at once. With most of that gone and cleared out, I no longer have to do all that! I don't feel like I'm constantly between a rock and a hard place, and that's… honestly pretty significant.

So what's next? Why am I still moving forward with the GFM towards $8000 and eventually $10000+?

Well, as I've said in prior updates, it's still pretty unbelievable that we reached $6500+ and I genuinely have no expectations about getting even a cent more. If nobody else donates, I think I would be pretty pleased with what this GFM was able to accomplish. But I don't think I'm totally out of the woods yet. Thanks to your help, I've upgraded from "basically completely underwater" to "balancing precariously on the edge of the dock," and there's a WORLD of difference between those two states. But that doesn't mean I don't ever again have to worry about the possibility of almost drowning.

Goal 4 would help me pay off my remaining installment loan, and with that close the book on that chapter of my life altogether. I've got these two annoying (paid monthly) loans in the background, but paying $40 and $78 a month respectively for them isn't really all that bad. It's not moving the needle the way these installment loans (paid every two weeks on my payday) were. I'd like to get rid of this final installment loan pretty quickly if possible. I'm currently just a bit under $1400 away from that goal, and I think it's pretty attainable.

Goal 5, $10,000, and Goal 6, $10,000+, are maybe my vaguest goals, so I want to flesh those out a bit. For those goals, I'm thinking of my long-term future more than anything immediate. If I can get anything past $8K, great! That will be money I put into a savings account and start adding to on my own. The reason I'm putting these goals at the end of this GFM is because in a little bit less than a year, I'm looking at the end of a pretty long arrangement I've had at the place I'm living, and the situation is that either rent is going to raise pretty significantly or (more likely) I'm going to be finding a new place to live. Having some money in savings is going to help me out with this in two ways: first, being able to pay a deposit on an apartment or absorb some of the cost of raised rent. Second, being able to put down a down payment on a car. My (smaller) worry is that, even with the radical erasure of my most immediate and crushing debts that this GFM has already afforded me, I may not have enough time to save this kind of money on my own, and/or that my credit score won't heal fast enough to qualify me for cheaper car payments, apartment deposits that aren't an arm and a leg, and so on. For context, I live in Oklahoma, which has a relatively cheap cost of living, but it's practically impossible to get around without a car as OKC's transit system is bootycheeks.

Finally (and least importantly), I promised when I set this GFM up that it would be the last time I asked for money from the Internet for this or any reason, outside of like a medical emergency. I set $10k up as a moonshot goal, something I didn't think it was possible to achieve - and yet here it is, barely $3400 away. If we make it to the end, that's gonna feel like a wild achievement! I'd finally be able to rest easy.

Here's a bad car metaphor I just thought of: you know how when you jump a car, you don't just plug up the jumper cables from one car to another and call it good when the car in need of jumping starts? You have to give it a little bit of extra juice in order for the car to restart its own charging capacity? That's kind of what this GFM is. I'm the car being jumped. The fundraiser is the other car revving its engine and giving me a bit of extra juice after I was able to start my own engine again.

See? told you it was bad.

Anyway, as always, I cannot thank those of you who have already donated enough. None of this would be possible if it wasn't for you, and my inbox is always open if you want to suggest cursed internet artifacts for me to look at. Someone suggested the entire series of Eyewitness children's science documentaries to me. I have no clue if I'll be able to find them. I've been vibing on the theme song for days tho. The only thing I would ask of you at this point is to share this GFM on social media, maybe link back to this update directly, and let's see if we can't find some extra wind for these sails to get us closer to that final goal. If you can't donate, please don't feel pressured to donate! Just reblogging it is more than enough help.

[starboy2023]

Perfect Personalized Diet! (dm for your personalized diet too!)

Using my height, weight, bmi, activity level, and maintenance caloric intake, I was recently able to create a personalized day-by-day diet to help me lose my depression weight! 

My journey: (skip to the bottom for the final diet!)

Hi! I'm starboy, and this is my ED blog! To be transparent, at my low weight, I weighed roughly 90lbs, with my bmi being 14.1. I was incredibly ill, and know I cannot go back to that wieght; however, it helped ease my gender dysphoria, and my problems with OCD massively. In June of 2023, I was 98.5 lbs with a bmi of 15.4. You can go to my twitter for body checks and pictures!

Currently, I weigh 109 lbs and my bmi is 17.1. I am deeply unhappy with this, and though parts of recovery have been great, I recently learned that I may be terminally ill. I figured if Im going out anyways, I’m going to go back to the one thing that brings me endless comfort: my eating disorder. By July 1st (in about 7 weeks from this post), I want to get to 100lbs, with a bmi of 15.7. 

How I created this diet: (and how you can too!)

To explain how I calculated and created this diet, I used this link: “Calorie Calculator”, to calculate my maintenance weight. I rounded up to 115 lbs for my weight just to be safe! Using the maintenance number calculated from 115 lbs, which is 1,601 calories a day, my height, 5’7”, and my age, 18 years, I asked chat gbt to create a customized day by day calorie intake diet. Due to working Wednesday and Friday, I asked it to have those days be the highest caloric intake, and I asked for Monday and Saturday to be the lowest intake days, due to those being my typical clubbing/partying days. I also use 16:8 fasting, but I like to do a 24 hour fast every other week. Chat GBT gave me lots of advice and gave me a range of options, but the diet I decided on works best for me! I highly recommend reading thoroughly because it is very very helpful if you don't know the science behind weight loss!

My exact chat gbt message: (if you would like to make your own, copy and paste this message into Chat GBT and replace the weight, height, bmi, activity level, and maintenance calories)

“I am an 18 year old female, that is 5'7" and 115 lbs. My BMI is 18.0 currently. My physical activity level is sedentary. To maintain my current weight I need to consume 1,601 calories per day. I want to lose 15 lbs by July 1st. How many calories should I consume daily to lose 15 pounds by the beginning of July? Create a per day caloric intake schedule that includes fasting for 24 hours once every two weeks that goes until the beginning of July, where I would loose 15 pounds. Have my lowest caloric intake (or my bi-weekly fasting date) on Monday and Saturday, and have a little bit of a higher caloric intake for Wednesday and Friday: all while I am still on track to loose 15 pounds(making my weight 100 lbs) by the beginning of July.”

The final diet: (the part you guys really want!)

I eat between the hours of 12-7pm for my 16:8 fasting, and fast on every other Sunday.

Monday: 800 calories

Tuesday: 1,100 calories

Wednesday: 1,200 calories

Thursday: 1,100 calories

Friday: 1,200 calories

Saturday: 800 calories

Sunday 1,100 calories (fasting every other week)

Overall, I will be consuming 7,300 calories a week. (for reference, eating my maintenance calories would be 11,207 calories a week). That is a 3,907 weekly calorie deficit, and roughly a 558 calorie daily deficit. Remember! A deficit is how you lose weight!

I hope you enjoyed my explanation blog! If you would like me to help you create a personalized diet around your work days and life habits, please let me know! This is my favorite type of math, and if you need any tips or tricks, feel free to dm me here or on twitter!  What type of blog or info dump would you guys like in the future?

Twitter: @star_boy2023

Tumblr: @starboy2023

[flowerpotmage]

Tight Grip, Broken Dam (12)

<< Previous Chapter | Masterlist | Next Chapter >>

You don’t question it anymore, when Miguel appears in your bed at night. He’s not there for sex, no, you’ve never even kissed—though you would be lying if you said you weren’t open to the idea of kissing him. He’s there for comfort. For rest. If only it could stay so simple.

Pair: Miguel O'Hara & GN!Reader

Notes: for series: slow burn, ambiguous relationship, found family dynamics, reader is in their late 20s. for chapter: sexual tension, injuries and injury aftercare, references and nightmares about 90s comic run canon events

Word Count: 2.4k

Read this chapter on Ao3 here. If you like my work, please consider leaving kudos there as well! You do not need an account to do so.

a/n: deepest apologies for this series' absence! i hope this (only slightly) shorter chapter and the knowledge that i am already working on the next and hope to return to semi-regular updates will tide you over.

Your brief trip across town leaves you more winded than you hoped and less tired than you feared.

Your apartment is empty but for the presence of warm midday sun and green leaves when you return, kicking your shoes off and carefully setting yourself down on the couch, bones heavy with the weight of grief and exhaustion. There’s nothing to do now but rest, and so you don’t resist the warm embrace of sleep when it curls around you like hungry arms.

Brrring brrring!

The ring of your phone wakes you, the light now coming more brightly through your balcony doors.

A disoriented grumble escapes your throat as you shift, lifting yourself back up to lean against the back of the couch and immediately checking your side.

Sore. Sore, mostly dry, and unopened. Good.

Brrring brrring!

You find your phone in your coat pocket, having fallen asleep still fully dressed. Karen’s name lights up the screen. Rubbing the sleep from your eyes and clearing your throat, you answer the call and hold the phone to your ear.

“Karen, hey.”

“Hey!” She chirps through the line. “Matt and Foggy just won a case today, and–”

“Come drink with us!” Comes Foggy’s voice, shouted from somewhere in the room Karen has called from.

“I’m assuming you caught that.” You can hear the bemused expression on her face.

You try to chuckle, and fail, body too tired to force any levity. “I shouldn't tonight,” you say, wrinkling your nose and trying to roll out the stiffness in your neck. “I, uh—sick. Not feeling great.”

“Oh no!” Karen says, sympathetic. “Are you okay?”

You can hear the sudden silence from Foggy.

“Yeah, just uh. Out of it. Probably gonna just rest up for a few days, it’s a little rough.” You wince.

“Do you need anything?” She asks. “I don’t think it’s too far out of our way if you need some food. Some soup?”

You smile, heart warming at her thoughtfulness. “No, no, I’m all set. That’s really sweet though, thank you Karen.”

“Of course,” she says. “Rest up. We’ll see you when you’re feeling better.”

“Take an extra shot for me tonight.”

“Not like Foggy needs the excuse,” Karen laughs.

“What? What don’t I need an excuse for?”

“Wow, nosy,” you joke, smiling. “I’ll see you all next time.”

“Alright. Text if you need anything. I mean it.”

“You’re too nice. And I will, I promise,” you can’t help but smile. “Now go celebrate.”

Farewells are exchanged and the call ends. You drop the phone onto the couch, a heavy breath leaving your lungs. You linger for a moment before finally mustering the will to pull yourself off the couch and trudge into your room to change into your loosest pajamas.

Sleep pulls you back under its currents again.

Something pulls you from your slumber hours later, your cheek stuck to the pillow with dried spit, your vision blurry.

You haven't been this tired or slept so much since the spider bite that changed your life.

Your spider-sense pings and seconds later your bedroom door cracks open, Miguel in the open sliver between door and wall. His eyes meet your own, your head lifted slightly off the pillow from the surprise ping moments before.

“When’d you get here?” You ask, voice muffled and slurred.

“About an hour ago,” he replies, opening the door further. “You needed groceries, and I know you weren't going to be getting them anytime soon.”

You groan, letting your head fall back to the pillow. “You didn't need to do that for me.”

He crosses his arms, leans on the doorframe.

Now, with the door open, the smell of cooking finally reaches you and you rub your eyes. “ And you cooked?”

“I did.” There it is, his disproportionately endearing, pleased little half smile. Miguel crosses the distance from the door to your bed to help you up. “ Vamos, come on.”

“Thanks,” you mumble, when your feet finally find the floor. And again, after you’ve eaten and you sit side by side on the couch, sleep dragging down your eyelids once more: “Thank you, Miguel. For dinner, and… everything.”

“Of course,” he murmurs, and you slip into dreams once more.

The next morning, thankfully, finds you less fatigued. Miguel changes your bandages again, makes you breakfast, again, before leaving to fulfill his self appointed duties.

It continues like this as you heal. When Miguel isn’t at Spider Society HQ he’s in your home, cooking your food and cleaning your dishes and changing your bandages (You try not to go insane from the feeling of his hand on your bare skin). You don't ask, but you’re fairly certain the only sleep he gets is in your bed—a place you have to yourself less often than ever before.

Not that you’re complaining. Neither of you mentions it, of course, that he's visiting more while the skin over your ribs heals. You both seem to immediately accept this new normal and move forward as if it has always been the way things are. For Miguel’s part, he knows you don't have anyone here to take care of you properly—he knows you’ve lost family and more friends than most Spider-People usually had to start with—and so he takes the responsibility of you upon himself, and does so happily.

And mostly things are the same… mostly.

He learns about your favorite color, the watering schedule of your plants, how you miss having a pet but with the life you lead it doesn't feel like the responsible thing to do. He tries not to think about how it feels like learning more about someone you’ve been with for years, because he already knew which spoon was your favorite out of the somewhat mix-and-match selection, already knew about your aunt and your aunt's girlfriend on the force who still checked in on you up until her own death, your personal ASM-97 event.

He starts to feel disconcerted about how little he's shared in return, and tries his best to give something back. He mentions Gabriel in passing when talking about his childhood one day, during lunch.

“Gabriel?” You prompt.

“Ah,” he pauses, lowering his fork. To his plate. “My brother.”

The two of you are sitting on your couch, the balcony doors open wide to let in the fresh afternoon air that meanders through the open glass. Miguel holds his plate in one hand, you rest yours on your lap and your feet on your coffee table.

“I didn't know you had a brother,” you say. You want to rest your arm on the back of the couch, but despite your wound being at less risk of opening and bleeding, you’ve still been advised not to stretch the skin. So you pick at the couch cushion by your thigh with your nail instead, glancing at him.

Miguel nods. “Gabriella was named after him.”

Your heart squeezes. “Is he…?”

“He’s alive and well,” Miguel gives a reassuring, if rueful, smile. “It's just us two now.”

You nod. “Older or younger?”

“Younger,” he says, smiling at you. He rests his plate on his lap now, like you, and rests an arm on the back of the couch to angle towards you.

“Ah, oldest brother,” you raise your eyebrows and nod sagely. “That explains a lot.”

Miguel raises an eyebrow back at you.

You gesture at him vaguely. “I mean. Come on.”

Miguel scoffs, smiling, and then he tells you more about his family. About Tyler Stone and the secret his mother kept, how he’s not a true O’Hara but still carries the name. You sense he’s still keeping some things to himself, but you don’t press the issue, happy enough to even be let in this small amount. You hope that your adoration doesn’t show on your face too much as you watch him talk, lit with warm afternoon light.

Miguel feels lucky when he wakes up and can’t remember his dreams, because the nights that he does…

Flesh torn and shredded under his fingertips as gravity pulls the arm from his grasp, the man attached dangles infinite stories up from the streets and even farther to Downtown. The writhing gasp and scream of a man in pain and Miguel trying to save him and only making it worse. His father, angry and raging and taking it out on his mother. The smell of rotting flesh from his Vulture’s pantry, rotting cadavers stored haphazardly in a dark room in the underbelly of downtown waiting for—

No. Even in dreams it’s too sick to name.

Sometimes the horrors of his early days as Spider-Man blend with his life now. Gabriella’s rotting body in the pile in Vulture’s pantry. Gabriella, caught in an attack on his apartment, or in the crossfire between him and the Public Eye. You, hanging from his desperate grip after the lab explosion that changed him forever, your face twisted in fear and your arm shredded under his finger-pad talons as you slip from his grasp and fall to your death. You, in the pods for the long discontinued Corporate Raider program and killed in a fatal human-animal gene splicing test. You disappearing into the air, turning to less than ashes in his arms, or sometimes worse: You, holding Gabriella and reaching for him and the both of you disappearing when he reaches out, unable to so much as touch either of you one last time.

It’s not every night. Sometimes he dreams nonsense like everyone else, surreal landscapes with changing figures and storylines that mean nothing. Sometimes he dreams of happy memories or past almosts as if they had followed through on their potential. Schooldays with Xina or childhood games with Gabriel, or taking Gabriella to the Spider Society HQ like Peter does with May.

Sometimes he dreams about your skin, and your sheets, and your breath. Those ones always leave him distracted, off kilter and embarrassed through the rest of his day. He wishes he could bury them properly, leave them in his subconscious where they belong. Wishes he could keep himself from wanting to cross that line.

But tonight brings no dreams of pleasant pasts, no surreal landscapes, no ecstatic gasps and tangled sheets. Tonight he dreams of loss and pain.

A sudden jolt uproots you from sleep, dreams turn to evaporated particles in the air. At first you think there might be a threat, that perhaps your spider senses were what woke you, but the shallow and forcefully measured breaths in the bed next to you quickly inform you otherwise.

“Miguel?” Your voice is but a whisper as you prop yourself up, mindful of your ribs, your hand searching for him through the blankets. “Hey, hey, it's okay–”

He starts to say something, his voice dying in his throat before the first letter can even form on his tongue. His hand finds yours, wrapping tightly around palm and fingers alike. You scoot closer, doing your best with one hand now out of commission, and then you're partially hovering over him, your held hand supporting your weight.

“It's okay,” you whisper, and you begin to pet his hair back from his face. “You're okay.”

Even in the dark your eyes find each other. Before you can blink his arm is around you and you're pressed into his chest, his face hidden in your neck. You can feel each thundering beat of his heart through your chest as it slows, still beating too hard to fall into rhythm with your own.

“I’m here,” you whisper.

His arm tightens around your middle at that, a brief squeeze pulling you closer to him. His shuddered breath gusts across your skin where he’s buried his face.

“Bad dream?” you whisper into the hair above his ear, shifting above him to rest on his chest properly and rest one arm on the pillow by his head, the other sliding around his side to hold him in return.

“Sorry,” he whispers, ignoring your question, loosening his grip. “Your ribs-?”

“They’re fine, Miguel,” you say, your arm on the pillow by his head shifting.

As his heart slows, as his breath steadies and you wake fully, you become conscious of your body pressed into his. His face is still buried in your neck, and you feel his ribs expand under your body, raising you into the air.

His head falls back from your neck, resting on the pillow, and you lift your head to look at him in the dark.

“Do you wanna talk about it?”

He pauses, eyes flitting between each of yours before he looks away. He pulls his arm back from around you, hand sliding to rest on your waist under your ribs.

“No.”

“Okay.” You prop yourself up further. “I’m here, though.”

He sighs, nods, closes his eyes.

Silence returns to the room, pressing in on your chest, squeezing your ribs like the bandages around your calf. You are too aware of your position nearly atop him, body pressed into the side of his chest with his hand still resting on your side, yours on his and your other bracing you above him on the pillow beside his head. You've been this close before, of course, and held one another much tighter in the dark. But something about this is different. Perhaps it's the way his fingers begin to unconsciously stroke your side and the way you've never gotten to look at him like this, above him, his eyes closed under you—

Your breath catches in your throat, and you lift your hand from his side to touch his face. His brow twitches, his hand tightens and relaxes on your side, and he sighs again as tension slowly drains from his body. You let your hand rest on his cheek more solidly, and his eyes flicker open to meet yours in the dark.

You hope he can’t feel the way your heart skips and then beats just that much harder. You swallow, hold your breath, and let your hand slide into his hair.

His eyes flutter shut, and everything freezes.

“Thank you,” he whispers, and the pressure of the air eases.

“Of course,” you finally say, your mouth dry, stroking your thumb back over his temple into his hair. You shift, settling down into his side.

His arms wrap around you once more. Neither of you speak, and you don't fall back asleep for a long while.

<< Previous Chapter | Masterlist | Next Chapter >>

[bi-bard]

Original Characters Masterlist [Vol.2]

Hello!

This masterlist feels both sudden yet incredibly expected. Over the years, I have created original characters (OCs) for a variety of fandoms. I adore them all, but many of them were not made with the intention of being more than a one-off story. That led to some stories that I am simply not as proud of as I would like to be. Also, they were written when I was a coward and was terrified of changing known canon. Now that I am much more comfortable doing that, I want to make something that I can feel much prouder of.

This will serve as a new beginning for many of my OCs and as the new official masterlist for all of the stories in those current timelines.

I have remade an OC before. I am not remaking all of them. This is merely a way for me to keep moving forward and not get stuck in one spot.

The remade OCs are the Hannibal OC, the Criminal Minds OC, and the Supernatural OC.

The other OCs will be left as they are, though I have done a lot of work behind the scenes in order to get those characters to flow much better than they did before.

I hope you all enjoy these stories!

If you want to read the original stories for the remade OCs, click here.

If you want to go to the main navigation guide, click here.

Special Note: Some stories feature other original characters outside of the reader. I utilize face claims for such characters as to have physical descriptions to separate them throughout the stories. No such face claims are used for the reader (main oc).

----------------------

Criminal Minds OC - Spencer Reid X Gideon!Reader

When Jason decided to take in a newly orphaned child after a particularly rough case, people had many thoughts. Some called it kind, some impulsive, some even called it fate. More begin using that last term when (Y/n) and Jason begin working alongside each other.

Pre-Show:

Season 1:

Season 2:

Season 3:

Season 4:

Season 5:

Season 6:

Season 7:

Season 8:

Season 9:

Season 10:

Season 11:

Season 12:

Season 13:

Season 14:

Season 15:

Season 16 [Reboot]:

Post-Show:

Criminal Minds/Supernatural Crossover OC - Emily Prentiss X Winchester!Reader

Changing your name and running away doesn't always free you from your past. (Y/n)'s past rears its head just as they're making a name for themself. (Y/n), their brothers, and their team learn a very important lesson: "monster" can be both literal and figurative.

Pre-Show:

Season 1:

Reunion [ep. 1 - Supernatural]

The Moment Spencer Reid Became My Best Friend

Scrapbooks

Season 2:

Tragedy in a Pair [ep. 1 - both]

Revelations [ep. 14 & 15 - Criminal Minds]

Season 3:

Season 4:

Season 5:

If the World Was Ending... [ep. 22 - Supernatural]

Season 6:

Season 7:

Just Between Us, Did the Love Affair Maim You Too? [ep. 2 - Criminal Minds]

Rebuilding [ep. 23 & 24 - Criminal Minds]

Season 8:

Season 9:

I Didn't Mean To

Season 10:

The Retreat [ep. 8 - Supernatural]

Season 11:

Season 12:

Season 13:

For Those Who Don't Know Who I Am [ep. 15 - Criminal Minds]

Season 14:

Season 15:

Season 16 [Criminal Minds Only]:

Post-Show:

Doctor Who OC - The Doctor X Timelord!Reader

(Y/n) spent most of their early life as nothing more than a weapon. Continuously called the Savior by the Time Lords training them, (Y/n) knew all too well about the weight sitting on their shoulders. However, when Time War comes and (Y/n) fails their very purpose, they have two choices: hide away from the universe forever or travel the universe and help as many people as possible.

Other Important Original Characters

Pre-Show:

The Savior Fails

Series 1:

Plastic Promises [ep. 1]

Familiar Foes [ep. 6]

Special: Reckless [2005 Christmas Special]

Series 2:

Series 3:

A Normal Life [ep. 8 & 9]

Series 4:

Series 5:

Series 6:

Series 7:

Clever Boy [ep. 1]

Series 8:

Series 9:

Series 10:

Series 11:

Series 12:

Series 13:

60th Anniversary Specials:

Season 1:

Post-Show:

Hannibal OC - Hannibal Lecter X Reader [Sunshine Character Trope]

(Y/n) had been sheltered for quite some time. When they finally get a chance to see the world around them, they did not know how vulnerable they truly were. If they had, maybe they would have turned away from the first man to show them affection.

Pre-Show:

Season 1:

Season 2:

Season 3:

Post-Show:

House MD OC - James Wilson X House's Sibling!Reader

If you were to ask anyone at Princeton–Plainsboro Teaching Hospital how the House siblings ended up working at the same place, then there would rarely be a straight answer. It went without question that it wasn't because Greg had put a good word in. And in the end, maybe it didn't matter how they both got there. All that mattered was that they both stayed there... and didn't end up killing each other.

Pre-Show:

Season 1:

Season 2:

Season 3:

Season 4:

Misdiagnosis [ep. 9]

Season 5:

Season 6:

Season 7:

Season 8:

Post-Show:

The Last of Us OC - Joel Miller X Reader

(Y/n) and Joel had never meant to cross paths. However, when (Y/n) and Tess meet, Tess's protective side rears its head and forces the two together. Ellie's presence pushes Joel and (Y/n) together in a very different way.

Pre-Show:

Season 1:

Changes [Episode 4 & 6]

Those Three Months [Between Episodes 5 & 6]

Something Good [Between Episode 6 & 7]

God’s Plan [Episode 8]

Post-Show:

Shadow & Bone OC - Kaz Brekker X Sun Summoner!Reader

Ketterdam had been the closest thing to home that (Y/n) had known. With that home came the Crows, the closest thing that (Y/n) had ever known to a family. When their secret is exposed in order to protect their family, it's all stolen from them. Now, (Y/n) needs to find a way to tear down the Fold and get home to the people they care about.

Pre-Show:

The Easiest Way to Steal a Man’s Wallet is to Tell Him You’re Going to Steal His Watch

No Saint Ever Watched Over Me

Season 1:

They Tell Each Other Who to Look After and Who to Watch Out For

When They Took Everything from You, You Found a Way to Make Something from Nothing

You're the First Glimmer of Hope I've Had in a Long Time

Season 2:

Stay till the End... And After, And Always

Post-Show:

Supernatural OC - Winchester Brothers & Adopted!Cambion!Reader

The Winchester brothers find themselves caring for a being far more powerful than they had ever known. In a story of about the constant battle between good and evil, the question of nature versus nurture is taken on in the most extreme of examples.

Other Important Original Characters

Pre-Show/Story:

Season 4:

Season 5:

Season 6:

Season 7:

Season 8:

Season 9:

Season 10:

Season 11:

Season 12:

Season 13:

Season 14:

Season 15:

Post-Show:

[patheticlittlemen]

Just a Cuddle [Gale Dekarios x Tav]

A/N: Unnamed gender-neutral tav for the masses :) enjoy this thing i shitted out at 12 AM

Words: 1317

Warnings: NSFW, one member is asleep but both are consenting

Summary: Gale is having a very good dream and takes it out on Tav.

Tav isn’t sure how it came to this.

Well, they know the steps that lead up to this, but Gale curled around their side, clutching onto them like his life depended on it, was not on their plans for the night.

The group was on their way to Baldur’s Gate, stopping by a small town on the way to eat and rest for a bit. They made it about ten steps before there was a sudden downpour, soaking the party as they dashed to the nearest inn.

There were just enough rooms for everybody as long as there were two people in a room, which nobody made a fuss about. Even though they would lose a day of travel, most were grateful for an extra day of rest.

After a few drinks and a warm meal, the party decides to retire for the night. Tav doesn’t care to stick around for the arguments on room arrangements, deciding instead to walk into a room and drop their armor and belongings. They’re far too tired to care who ends up in the room and simply wait for their temporary bedmate to arrive.

Not long later, Gale strolls into the room. “Ah, I thought I saw you in here.”

“Hm. You sure you didn’t beg the others to be the one in the bed with me?” Tav smirks, sitting down on the bed. Playful banter was common with them and their companions, even more so with Gale. The clever wizard always had some way to retort.

“Please. The others begged me to be the one with you tonight. Lae’zel claimed she could hear you snoring from across the camp.” Gale chuckles, pulling his armor off near the bed.

“Yeah, right,” Tav scoffs. “I’m pretty sure I heard some scuffling out there, I think you and Wyll were fighting each other to reach the door first.”

“No need to flatter yourself so much.” Gale teases, stretching. His shirt rides up just enough to show a bit of his stomach, and Tav is suddenly very overwhelmed with the thought of sleeping next to Gale.

“I mean, I have to. You don’t do it enough.” Resting their hand on their racing heart in a playful manner, Tav smirks.

The wizard chuckles, rolling his eyes. “I’m not sure you’re entirely deserving.”

Tav gasps, feigning offense. “You’re cruel. Perhaps you’ll spare me the cruelty when I ask you to allow me on the bed for the night?”

The bed creaks as Gale sits on it, sighing as his back hits the mattress. “I suppose. Wouldn’t do you good to sleep on the hard floor.”

The aches in Tav’s back flare up, seemingly agreeing with Gale’s statement. “Yeah. And I wouldn’t dare think of banishing you to the floor, with your creaky joints.”

“A- I do not have creaky joints!” Gale gasps, causing laughter to erupt from Tav.

“I can hear them from across the battlefield!”

“You’ll regret saying that the next time you need healing,” Gale huffs playfully, turning to face the wall. “See how your joints feel then.”

“I do kick in my sleep, by the way,” Tav adds, lying back on the bed.

A smile spreads across Gale’s face as he looks up at them. “And I talk in my sleep. We make a good pair, hmm?”

“We do. Goodnight, Gale.” Tav chuckles, settling under the sheets.

“Goodnight.”

So warm.

Tav sighs as they tighten their arms around him—half his weight presses on their body, a sense of calmness and safety growing inside Tav.

Wait, what?

As Tav starts to rouse, they realize what’s happening.

Gale is currently wrapped around their side, one leg slung over theirs. His face is pressed into their neck, his warm breath fanning their skin as he sleeps.

Oh Gods. What should I do?

Tav tries to shift out from under Gale, but he simply pulls them closer.

It’s just some cuddling. Maybe…

Battling any conflicting thoughts, Tav resigns themselves to stay under Gale. He probably needed this, he just wanted some comfort. Tav is happy to give that to him. They close their eyes, slipping back into the contentment of half-sleep.

What if this was normal?

The thought passes Tav’s mind, and they don’t have the energy to fight it. Fantasies of them with Gale in his tower fill their mind, filling them with a sense of ease.

During a particularly pleasant image of cooking dinner with Gale, Tav feels Gale shift against them. They stir from their sleepy state, making sure Gale hasn’t woken. There’s no telling how Gale might react to this situation, so it’s better if they’re not awake for it.

Gale seems to still be asleep, mumbling incoherently. Tav starts to close their eyes when Gale shifts again, his hard cock pressing against their leg.

Oh.

A small whimper escapes Gale as he grinds against their leg again.

Oh Gods.

Tav can’t let this keep happening. Gale would be so ashamed if he knew, they had to stop it.

“Gale.” They hiss into his ear. The wizard stays asleep, panting as he continues to press his length against their leg.

“Gale!” Tav shakes his shoulder, not caring to be gentle. Gale is dead asleep, simply gripping onto Tav’s shirt harder.

Gale is a deep sleeper, and Tav isn’t sure what to do. He continues to grind against their leg, whimpering and gasping into their ear.

Maybe… maybe Gale just needs some encouragement. They could help him get off and pretend they didn’t know this happened.

Tav’s heart hammers in their chest as they slowly run their nails down Gale’s back. “There you go.”

Gale whines, pressing his cock harder against their leg. An unmistakable need grows between Tav’s legs, and they try to ignore it. Shame courses through them at the thought of the whole situation.

They’re just helping him out, right? He’ll never know if he stays asleep.

Tav brings their hand up to gently scratch Gale’s scalp. He lets out a louder moan at that, moving faster against their leg.

“Tav- please-” Gale gasps and Tav freezes.

Is he awake?

Craning their neck to look at his face, they see his eyes are still closed. His eyes are flicking back and forth underneath his eyelids– he’s dreaming.

Tav’s breath slows as they realize Gale is just dreaming. They feel a strange sense of pride being the one Gale is dreaming about, the one Gale is getting so turned on by.

Gale gasps again, moving faster against Tav’s leg. They continue to scratch his scalp, murmuring into his ear.

“That’s it. Does that feel good?”

A whimper comes from Gale as his hips start to stutter.

“Come for me, Gale,” Tav whispers, growing more and more aroused by the second.

With that, Gale clutches onto Tav’s shirt, gasping against their neck as he comes. A warmth spreads on Tav’s leg, and they realize at some point his trousers slid down just enough for him to come on their pants.

Gale’s breathing calms and he slumps against Tav, clearly satisfied by his dream. Tav stays still for a moment, a bit shocked about what happened. Gale just humped their leg until he came– and he was unaware of it all.

After a bit, Tav shifts out from under Gale. He seemed to not care as much this time, nuzzling his face into the pillow where their head was as they walked to the washroom.

Tav glances down at their now-stained pants, stomach swirling with need. It takes mere moments for their fingers to bring them to climax, shuddering against the wall as the night replays in their head.

By the time Tav returns and changes into clean trousers, Gale has returned to his side of the bed and is mumbling incoherently. Tav slides in next to him, letting the sound of his rhythmic breaths lull them to sleep.

[illandtired]

about me<3 (tw)

Hello, I’m 17 and I’m gonna try to take my life again on my 18th birthday.

(Sorry, this jumps around a lot.)

(And it’s long���.)

Also heavy topics, literally almost every trigger warning in the book.

This blog is gonna literally be my diary. I’ve attempted to make me life multiple times in the past for multiple different reasons.

I’m seventeen and I currently live alone in my mother’s house, she lives with her boyfriend. I had my biological dad who left before I was born and two step fathers. The only one I “care” about is my most recent. He entered my life when I was 6 and since then I tried telling my mother about him but for some reason it took until I was 16 for her to divorce him. He abused me severely. When I told him I was suicidal the first time he said he was gonna go get his gun then proceeded to make me beg for my life. I was I believe 12 or 13, a lot of it’s a blur like most of my life.

I don’t want to go too much into my past and make this too long, I started smoking weed in 8th grade. By 9th I was doing lines of random shit I got from kids at school off the bathroom toilets. I have touched most stuff besides heroin. The one drug I promised my mother I would stay away from. Currently I am still hooked on opioids, SSRIs, and I smoke weed/thc carts every day.

I was 6 when I was diagnosed with adhd, severe anxiety and depression. I haven’t seen a doctor since. My mother swears she’s trying to get me in but she always complains about how much my meds cost. She knows my worries about my mental state and I swear it’s impossible to get the help I need.

I’ve always been a paranoid person but it’s getting worse by the day. I’m genuinely too scared to take the trash out because I feel 800 eyes on me. I feel like there’s invisible people constantly around me judging my every move. I don’t feel real some times, and not that life is a simulation shit, I genuinely don’t feel like I’m in my body.

I started self harming in 3rd grade. It started as me being a wrist and head banger but by 5th grade I had started using thumb tacks and scratching myself. I went to my step father and he told me they weren’t Deep enough and I was just looking for attention. By 6th grade I was actually cutting, but only to where I barely saw the blood. By 8th it got to the point where I needed to see the blood run. But I’ve managed to get back to only getting it to bead up, occasionally running. I was clean for quite a few months but the smallest, SMALEST thing can set me back so much.

I’ve struggled my entire life with starving myself, binge eating, then starving myself. I’ve been an unhealthy weight a lot of my life. I’m around 240lbs now, my eating disorder is mainly starving now. My “Binges” are now small.

I have never been able to make a phone call to someone besides friends. Even family calls are hard a lot. I can barely order food at a restaurant, fancy or McDonald’s.

I’ve made money in my life from stealing, I’ve been a kleptomaniac for as long as I can remember. But I also made money doing bakery stuff for my mother, doing mechanical stuff, and babysitting. My only “legal��� job was working at McDonald’s. I got fired a year after starting because we had a new manager who fired me over homophobic reasons. I hated going to work. I loved the work itself, but I hated having to be around anyone.

I’ve always been called lazy. And I feel like it’s true, I can barely find the motivation to get up to take a piss most days. I had such a hard time with organization and cleanliness as a kid so I always had a messy room, unless it was right after one of the days I got my stuff thrown away.

I never payed attention in school yet I somehow got straight As until i genuinely didn’t care anymore. I dropped out 10th grade on my 16th birthday. School was so much worse for my mental health. I was self harming almost every day, lying to myself about who I am to fit in.

I actually love learning, I wanted to get into nursing school but I know I’ll never get clean enough. I even study biology, trig, physics, crime scene investigation, all sorts of stuff. I have notebooks and notebooks that I’ve filled with information I’ll never use.

I was 10 when I got my first boyfriend. He was 18, a relationship on discord. It lasted a couple years at least. I was sexually assaulted multiple times growing up and I don’t wanna go into more detail in this post. But due to my sexual trauma i became very hyper sexual very young. I still am to this day, I sell pictures to creepy men online because I know I won’t be able to get any other job. But at the same time it’s basically been implemented in my brain I’m good for sex and nothing more. I feel so utterly disgusted with myself after every sexual experience in my life from sex to just sending nudes.

I grew up a chubby girl with big tits. It was 6th grade i started having boys desperate to touch them. I had Ds by then. I’m a F-G now (depends on the bra). My own step father and his sons who were much older than me started sexualizing me when I was about 13. One of my step brother was creepy since he entered my life.

I’ve had so many important parts of my life taken from me. My Virginity with a man was raped away when I was 14 on Christmas. My self worth was barely existent but it was gone completely by 9th grade. My first “good boyfriend” was when I was 15, he was 18. He filmed us one night after I asked him not to multiple times, but the next day a video of me having my brains fucked out was all over my school. It was a smaller school, but even some of the female teachers sided with him because he was the “king” of the school. I missed my middle school graduation which doesn’t seem like much to most people, but I knew I was going to drop out and never have a high school graduation. I was even selected to write a speech and go up and speak at the podium but due to anxiety from both situations I missed the whole thing entirely because I tried to kill myself that night.

Most of my attempts have been overdose attempts, and that’s for a reason. I couldn’t imagine my mother finding me and my brains splattered on the wall. But out of everything, no it’s not my mother that’s kept me alive. It’s been my best friend. I live in the states and he lives in Scotland. We’ve been friends for years, we met through my ex and were completely like the opposite of each other but we care about each other. And unfortunately I don’t think I’ll be able to meet him. We were going to meet when I turn eighteen because he’ll be turning 21 and can legally drink here, I can legally drink there.

I care about nothing more than him and it pains me that I know he will be disappointed when he realizes I gave up. I don’t plan on telling him anything.. we have a thing where if he’s gone for a month he’s on a mental health break, but two months he’s dead and I have his permission to kill myself. I’m going to tell him he has to wait a year for me because I might be in the mental hospital.

Back to simple things I can’t do, I would rather claw my own eyes out than be alone with a man in a room. But my best friend is the one exception. I haven’t gone on a date since new years. As soon as we got to his house, it wasn’t even 5 minutes before he had a gun pressed in my side.

Yet at the same time I feel like my only purpose is to make men happy in any way I can. Even if it makes me uncomfortable and I don’t want to do it. Because that’s all I’ve ever been good at and praised for.

There was about a week in my life and it was somewhat recent. I told myself I wasn’t going to attempt again because no matter what life won’t suck that bad. Being homeless was the happiest time of my life, sure I can be on the street and cold, no money, but I no longer have responsibilities and I get to walk which I love doing. I used to sneak out at night and go on long ass walks normally from 10pm to 3-5am.

More things about substances, once again I’m sorry for jumping around. I started smoking cigarettes in 6th grade, provided by my step father and girlfriend. I started drinking in 8th grade but now it takes half a bottle of tequila for me to be at a happy level of drunk. Or 4 bottles of cheap wine, or an entire bottle of rum. Anyways I feel like I’m rambling on and on so I’m gonna try to wrap this up.

What’s the main reason I want to kill myself? Because I know I will never be able to live a normal life. But my one goal as a kid was to make it to 18.

[bengiyo]

Step by Step Ep 12 (Finale) Stray Thoughts

Last week on HR violations, Jeng faced the weight of the homophobia on the board of the company and apologized for inconveniencing them with his queerness. He convinced Pat to stick around and commit to the proposed test of their project and joined the new bubble at work of all of the people who know about them and support them. Though they were required to complete this ad campaign with no money, they used Ying’s skills as a fic writer and Pat’s former relationship with Put to pull off the campaign. Put was also forced to essentially closet himself and play up his fake relationship with his costar. Jaab and Jen are a hot mess, because now Jen is all the way in Japan. Unfortunately, Jeng blew it and used his own money for ads, undercutting Pat’s success. Pat, understandably furious, has broken up with Jeng and left Jian Group. Jeng fell right into his dad’s trap.

Two years later? The girlies are going to riot.

Okay, I love that they formed their own team, and also that the Wi-Fi password is so easily compromised.

So Pat, Ae, and Chot run a successful ad company together, and are about to compete with Jian Group for the Fjord contract. I am excited.

New Intro song in the finale??

I’m with Chot. I don’t care about all this other gay drama. I wanna qiqi with my former work besties if we are at an event together.

I love Chot and Nan so much it makes me feel silly. Chot has to rush off because he knows Pat and Jeng are gonna mess each other up again.

I know meeting Jeng is a stressful situation, but Pat didn’t wash his hands!!!

I get Pat’s stress. The entire problem with Jeng was about Jeng flirting through work. I’m totally with Pat on not accepting overtures that are tied to work.

Damn, Jaab ain’t have to cut his brother like that, comparing his behavior with Pat to their dad’s with Jeng.

I’m enjoying the cross-cutting on the different pitches.

Oh shit, Pat is bitter bitter.

Okay, I’m with Tae. He extended the correct professional courtesy by offering the karaoke night ad campaign to Pat’s company. It’s not his fault that Pat always suspects Jeng of trying to manipulate them into contact.

My man is eating sad noodles and chicken!!!

Chot realized things were bad enough that he called in Pat’s dad.

Ying is now a successful BL writer. OMG.

I feel so bad for Pat. He’s right that Jeng’s presence brings into question any accomplishments he had. Sure they got the Forge account, but Pat can’t be sure that Jeng wasn’t involved somehow. It’s really sad that Jeng perverts acts of service as a love language.

I am still with Tae. My dude said he is tired of these two sucking all the life out of the room. They need to grill this beef and eat it.

My current sexuality is Pat in these blue jeans and this oversized black shirt with a slutty amount of chest showing.

I love when people write and delete messages in modern dramas. That’s so real.

I just know Up suggested he dance.

GOOD NEWS! Chot and his man are still together!

Shrimp nuggets?? I’m gonna McFuckinLoseIt.

Up Poompat is so goddamn pretty. Holy shit.

Sometimes the only person who can really kick you out of your romantic shit is your ex.

Karaoke emotional processing? Bracing.

I’m feeling a bit mixed on the kitchen reconciliation. I don’t think Pat should apologize about being irrational, but I can accept that ghosting Jeng may have felt like too much. Overall, I’m okay with them recognizing that they’re still stuck on each other and want to sort that out. Im okay with them taking it slowly.

I respect the dad for leaving to give them space to work this out.

Jeng traveled with that porridge. How is it so hot? Or did they just throw it in a microwave?

Oh, roleplaying a new first meeting is kind of cute.

He wore all blue to quit his job. I’m so glad this man finally quit his job.

I want some green curry now, too.

Very excited to meet Jeng’s mom. She has two queer sons. She has stories.

So if Pat started this show at 25, turned 26, broke up with Jeng, and now it’s been two years, Pat should be 29, right?

I am with Pat. It hurts to be called your partner’s friend, especially when they know.

So they really had Jeng cover his lips in white icing and then kiss Pat.

Okay so the rest of that was wind down.

Final Verdict: 7.5, Recommend for Fans of Queer Cinema. Despite how much I enjoy the characters and the performances, none of the elements of this show fully connect for me into something greater than the sum of their parts, and I feel like we had to work far too hard to understand the intent of much of it. In many ways it has the opposite problem of A Boss and a Babe, which cared more about character moments than big thematic ideas. This show cares a lot about its ideas about queer people in the workplace, but struggled to use its queer characters to elegantly express them.

[cardigains]

Thank you for the tag @ameerawrites!!! I'm sorry it took me so long to get my life together and answer it.

1. How many works do you have on AO3?

20! Though I do have another ao3 hidden away out there which would bump me up to a whopping 35.

2. What's your total AO3 word count?

442,367

3. What fandoms do you write for?

Currently it's exclusively tlou though I do have a handful of shorter Stranger Things fics on my ao3 as well.

4. What are your top 5 fics by kudos?

of wounded minds

all i needed was someone (when the whole wide world was young)

your words mean nothing so take 'em back (i don't wanna be carrying this weight on my shoulders) 

i hope that we make you proud ('cause this town's just an ocean now)

Leather Jacket

5. Do you respond to comments?

I try to!! I am really behind in all things fic right now in life, but I'm working on making my way through and responding (even if the comments are literally months old. Sorry everyone)

6. What is the fic you wrote with the angstiest ending?

Anyone feel free to call me out if this is a bold-faced lie, but I think almost every single fic I have ever written has a happy ending. I am obsessed with happy endings. Bring on the angst for 90% of the story, but it doesn't end in some degree of comfort I am OUT.

7. What’s the fic you wrote with the happiest ending?

Literally any of them but personally I think it's my follow up fic to Next Door Neighbor AU used to wish i was anything to anywhere (to anyone)

8. Do you get hate on fics?

Nope! A fact which I am very grateful for.

9. Do you write smut? If so, what kind?

I don't!

10. Do you write crossovers? What’s the craziest one you’ve written?

Personally I can't ever combine fandoms. Characters of one world belong in that world. They can't just be commingling all willy-nilly like that!

11. Have you ever had a fic stolen?

Not that I'm aware of.

12. Have you ever had a fic translated?

Yes, a very long time ago.

13. Have you ever co-written a fic before?

I haven't!

14. What’s your all time favorite ship?

I...I don't think I can answer that question

15. What’s a WIP you want to finish but doubt you ever will?

There's some extra chapters to go along with my Wounded Minds epilogue fics that I've started, but I don't know if I'll ever finish them to be honest.

16. What are your writing strengths?

I think when I'm in the zone for writing the answer is definitely dialogue. Who knows if it's any good, but it comes the most naturally.

17. What are your writing weaknesses?

Descriptions

18. Thoughts on writing dialogue in another language in fic?

I know SOME Spanish, but I know the Duolingo version of it so like, I don't trust myself to do much beyond a few phrases. Thankfully I have a few friends who speak some Spanish too so I would probably ask for help :)

19. First fandom you wrote for?

I would like to preface this by saying I was 12 but...High School Musical

20. Favourite fic you’ve written?

That's an impossible question. I have love and pride in varying degrees and for varying reasons for so many fics that I have written throughout the years. Even the ones that weren't good I know helped me improve over time! So, just gonna give this question a big ol' PASS.

In return I tag anyone who wants to do it. Just tag me in it because I would love to see your answers!

[blowflyfag]

WRESTLING SCENE Presents RINGSIDE : November 1983

MIKE ROTUNDO Young Star on the Rise

As told to Jack O’Shea

We would like to welcome everyone to our RINGSIDE interview and this month’s feature was conducted with one of the fastest rising stars on the wrestling scene, Mike Rotundo. Everyone who has seen this talented youngster in action agrees that he is a future superstar! Be on the lookout for this up and coming sensation for you definitely will be seeing and hearing quite a bit more about him in the future.

RINGSIDE: Mike, it’s a pleasure seeing you in action. I’ve watched you quite a bit in the last two months and you are very impressive. I really think that you have a very bright future ahead of you in professional wrestling.

MIKE ROTUNDO: Thank you very much for the compliment. It’s nice seeing you again and like you said, I feel that I do have a bright future. I basically attribute this to my background. I’ve been wrestling since I was 12 and I'm now 25 and since I’ve been in the Mid-Atlantic area I’ve been able to gain plenty of valuable experience from facing the caliber of top competition that is competing here.

[Rotundo drop kicks Howard.]

RINGSIDE: Tonight, competing in Greenville, we have three World’s champions; two former champions as well as the current NWA World’s champion Harley Race. Will you be watching their matches?

ROTUNDO: That’s right! Ric Flair will be here trying to regain the World’s crown from Harley Race and that will be one exceptional match. Besides, Dory Funk Jr. will also be here and every opportunity I get I make it a point to watch the matches. You can learn so much just by watching top stars such as Flair, Race, and Funk. 

RINGSIDE: How many years are you wrestling professionally? ROTUNDO: I’ve only been wrestling a little less than two years.

RINGSIDE: Actually in two years time you have made a great deal of progress. How do you feel you would fare against the World’s champion at this stage of your career?

ROTUNDO: Right now it would take a great effort by me to win that belt but I have confidence to overcome any lack of experience which I may have. I know I am capable of defeating the World’s champion and on any given night anything could happen. 

RINGSIDE: What made you pursue a professional mat career? ROTUNDO: I was approached by a New York promoter after I won the Eastern championship for Syracuse University. He asked me if I was interested in a professional wrestling as a career and I told him that I was. I then began to watch the matches more intently and I became hooked. I always wanted to be a champion someday and when this opportunity came along I felt that I now had a chance to make something of myself. I trained hard and I’m happy that I chose this profession. 

[Mike Rotundo stands in the ring and awaits the start of the action.]

RINGSIDE: Were you always athletically inclined as a youngster?

ROTUNDO: Yes I was. In high school I wrestled and also played football and baseball and I was offered scholarships in all three sports to different universities across the country. I accepted a football scholarship to attend Syracuse where I played defensive end and I also wrestled. I‘ve been in sports and physical fitness all my life and I wanted to continue this. That’s the main reason why I got into professional wrestling. 

Actually for me, my best sport was wrestling. I really didn’t pursue baseball and I often wonder what would have happened if I pursued that. I caught and I had decent size for that sport too but as it worked out I excelled more in wrestling. I enjoyed playing football but I realized that the longevity of a professional wrestling career is much greater than one in professional football. 

RINGSIDE: How tall are you and what is your current weight?

ROTUNDO: I’m 6’2 ½” and I weigh 240 pounds. 

[Rotundo has Bill Howard trapped in his airplane spin. Rotundo makes his way to the ring.]

RINGSIDE: You have a very impressive physique. How do you keep yourself in such superb condition?

ROTUNDO: Since I’ve been in this area I’ve been training with Rocky Steamboat who I feel has the best build and is the most athletic wrestler in the profession. He is able to keep that flexibility inside the ring and had numerous opportunities to train with him and he’s really helped me a lot. I’ve worked on the weights and I still do my running and quite a bit of stretching besides working on the various moves to use in the ring. 

RINGSIDE: Unlike many of the other wrestlers who have only been wrestling a couple years, you are very aggressive inside that ring. You never hold back and constantly go after your opponent. This oftentimes makes the difference between winning and losing. 

ROTUNDO: That’s correct. I feel that if you’re aggressive the people will support you. I go after my competitors with the purpose of pinning his shoulders to the mat. If you go after your opponent then you are in command and it makes it that much easier to come out on top. If you stay within the rules and wrestle, you will always have the people behind you.

[Rotundo applies pressure on Jake Roberts’ leg.]

RINGSIDE: Do you have any favorite finishing maneuvers?

ROTUNDO: I like the airplane spin the best. I feel if i could put my opponent up on my shoulders and spin him, then he has no control at all. I also use the roll-up-and-bridge which pins the man’s shoulders to the mat and when I bridge there simply is no escape. There are a lot of others. Actually I use whatever is best at that particular moment. You have to keep an open mind when you are in that ring and be ready for any situation which may airse. 

RINGSIDE: What is your nationality?

ROTUNDO: I’m Italian. My parents are from the U.S.A. but my descendants are from Florence, Italy. So the name Rotundo is definitely Italian. 

RINGSIDE: Over the years there have been many Italian superstars.ROTUNDO: That’s right. Bruno Sammartino for one is an idol that I’ve watched many times. I like his style of wrestling. He was aggressive and a former World’s champion too! I would love to go home someday and have the opportunity to wrestle in New York!

[Rotundo applies a side arm lock on Bill Howard.]RINGSIDE: When time presents itself what are some of the hobbies you may have outside the ring?ROTUNDO: I like to do some fishing. I used to hunt but I haven't had the opportunity to do too much hunting and I really love the beach, the sun, and the women. When I have time off I really like to go home to see my family and relax. As a professional wrestler, we have a very demanding schedule with the traveling and all the dates that we have to keep so any kind of hobby that involves relaxation is nice. 

RINGSIDE: We see that Jerry Brisco has now changed his style and is not adhering to the rules. The other night you had a little altercation with him. What happened?

ROTUNDO: Gerald and Jack Brisco, since they have captured the World tag team title from Rick Steamboat and Jay Youngblood have changed their outlook somewhat and it was just an incident where I was watching the match and Gerald passed a remark which I didn’t care too much for and we got into a little scuffle. Jack then came out to help his brother but Jay Youngblood was right there with me and we came out on top. RINGSIDE: Just like you have been doing in the Mid-Atlantic area! We hope to see you win a couple of championships here in the Mid-Atlantic and then eventually capture the big one, the World’s crown. ROTUNDO: I hope so too! Thank you very much and I want to also thank the fans who have been rooting for me and pulling for me everywhere I’ve appeared. They really mean a lot to me.

[fountainpenguin]

"I've got to be where my spirit can run free... Got to find my corner of the sky~!" (x)

---

New Dog's Life chapter today! ~ 3rd Life series fan-season

Chapter 12 - “Intermission Boogie”

Read on AO3

Start from Chapter 1

More Pixels Imperfect fics

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The days between Sessions 1 and 2 trickle by… Sniff searches for his place in the world and has a run-in with Scar. Grian takes a look at Impulse's code. Meanwhile, Cleo and Martyn get into trouble and Bdubs helps Scott investigate the anarchy breach.

(First 1,000 words under the cut)

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🌓 🖤 🖤

Tuesday

SnifferMyFeet

---

Etho's Void-black room is a lot more fun without Etho in it, until it's not. Pause and Beef both went offline. Nobody's here to tell him what to do. Sniff bounces on Etho's bed, slapping the ceiling on every jump. He tries to do a backflip, but… too scared. He gets too close to landing funny on his neck and stops bouncing after that.

My gods, it's so dark in here…

The room feels like an open night sky. Sniff tests his weight against the mattress, bouncing just a little, and watches the glowing glitter up and down his arms. He's leaking… but the little sparks he's producing are drifting upwards, against gravity. Is that Etho? Is Etho the sparks? Where do they go? Sniff tries to follow them, but they twinkle and dissipate in the air. He pats his head, ruffling his hair, and checks the mirror hanging on the back of Etho's bedroom door. Huh. Yeah, his hair's leaking glittery bits too.

I guess this makes sense? When I ate his soul, he didn't really go down my throat. He kind of melted in my mouth and blended with my gums… Well, maybe just a little of my throat. But he didn't make it to my stomach. So if he didn't get digested like meat or bread, I guess this is how he leaves my system? Etho's mind may be unconscious, but the particles of light that form his body seem to be escaping through tiny gaps between Sniff's pixels. That's his current theory, anyway.

Okay… That checks out, actually. That goes along with what Grian said about getting cycled into the system faster if Martyn eats you than if Bdubs does. Bdubs eats more, so it probably takes a lot longer for everyone to sneak out again.

Huh. Sniff flaps his arms, trying to shake Etho's particles out faster, but that actually stops him from glittering for a hot second. It's a couple minutes before the sparkles start up again. Oops. Maybe all that shaking made whatever's left of Etho's consciousness kinda dizzy. Sorry, soulmate. Boat Boys for life.

Then he smacks himself across the cheek. What am I saying? Etho was Joel's soulmate. Not mine. Boat Boys are dead in the water anyway. They don't matter. Etho yanked him into Between to do one job and that's it. He doesn't care. There's probably something going on with Bdubs or the real Joel or Beef or Pause or Cleo anyway. He told me himself he was only cuddling up because he's greedy and touch-starved. My gods, Sniff… Get over him. Boat Boys are over and he was never yours anyway, so treat him like an ex. You've got Pig now. It's time to move on.

Etho snuffed the lanterns out before bed. Try as he might, Sniff can't find a proper lighter. He checks every kitchen drawer and even some in the front room, but nothing. Etho's lack of interest in knick-knacks, apparently, extends to the entire bleedin' flat. And there's no blimmin' coal around either, so he can't craft any torches. Absolute disappointment. He slams the last drawer shut in a huff, then flops against the counter.

I'm so bored…

Which is maybe a bit pathetic, actually. Sniff rolls over, sprawling his arms across the counter from this angle too. Ceiling's lame… Everything's lame. At least the dark is good for one thing. The purpur flooring's a lot less ugly when you can't see it.

It's not like he's never been alone before. He used to be alone all the time back on his home world - He really needs a cool name for it, like 'Empires' or 'Hermitcraft' but like, personal - and he'd pass days or even weeks with Pig only popping in every now and then. That was lonely too, like this.

But the thing is, when Pig was gone, Sniff still had a whole server to explore. He picked apart every End City he could find. He got wings. He wrangled villagers. He beefed himself up with enchanted netherite gear. He built himself a flying ship.

But I can't build anything here. Or at least, Etho and Grian said you can't place blocks in New Star Station. The whole thing's bugged out or something? Spawn protection? Not sure. To be fair, he barely paid attention as he had other things on his mind.

Well, if he can't build… At least he can explore. Etho tried to spook him out, claiming the HALO team or big bad Bdubs might come to log him out if he isn't careful, but what's it to him? Sniff just ate the man. And if he can eat Etho, what's to stop him from eating anyone else? He can eat anyone he wants. Yeah, that's right. His fingers, still splayed, tighten into fists.

Bdubs said it himself: he didn't want to poke around in here because he thought I might log him out…

Everybody's scared of vex. Even HALO. Even the phantoms. Sniff studies the blank ceiling in the dark for another couple seconds, then peels away from the counter. He walks straight through the den, slides open the bamboo door, and steps onto the balcony. Fresh air… Stale air, technically? They're still under bedrock-

"What are you doing?" asks a voice from above, and Sniff jumps about four blocks in the air.

"WHAAAA!? Oh my- What?"

Cackling laughter breaks out above him. Sniff jerks up his head, breathing hard. TwoMuchGrian is perched right on a copper bar above his head, arms wrapped around his stomach. He's doubled over, wheezing like an absolute madman (My gods…) His hair waterfalls down one shoulder, swishing with every wingbeat. He's losing petals from his flower crown. Sniff drags his hand straight down his lips.

"Oh my gosh… Two, what the hell? You scared the blimmin' daylights out of me! Ohh, I'm gonna be sick!"

It takes several seconds of laughter before Two's caught his breath enough to answer. He unfolds. He rights himself on the rod, letting his wings flap down in a blur of blue and gold feathers. "Ohhhh… You have no idea how long I've been waiting to catch you, Sniff. Ohhh… That's going in your newbie clip comp for sure." Two holds his fingers up in Ls, framing Sniff between them like he's pinned on a comm screen. "Wooo… How you feelin'?"

"Like I just short-circuited my own hearts. My gosh, you are something else. Uggggh… I'm so mad. You're so bloody lucky I don't have any weapons on me right now."

[Cnt'd on AO3 - Link at top]

[swiftiefirefighters]

so i'm like a size 10/12 (which is probably the smallest size i've worn since i was in high school/14-15 years old ish). i've been up to a 22/24 and for most of my life probably sat around an 18-20.

all the way going back to my pediatrician when i was literally a fucking CHILD, i've never had a doctor not blame everything wrong with me on my weight or tell me that losing weight would solve all of my problems.

i literally have these bumps on my arms that are kind of almost like goosebumps but permanent and when i was like 7 maybe??? my pediatrician told me and my mom that they were "fat bumps" and that i would lose them if i lost weight and then she gave me a COLORING BOOK about weight loss.

i weight less than 200 lbs currently (not by much) and i'm 5'2"ish and have fairly muscular legs. (not that this matters because WHO FUCKING CARES, it doesn't MATTER but I'm just trying to make the point here.). I've literally never been to the doctor and NOT been told to lose weight. I've never been to the doctor and not been told how much better my health would be if i lost weight. even when i lose weight, it's never been enough.

all of this to say, fuck the health care profession for it's fatphobia. i work in plus size fashion and many of the people i work with are at least a little bit bigger than me, and they ALL ask me why i think i'm fat/need to lose weight and i just want to will smith look at this right here at the health care profession for making me feel shitty about my body and and literally *telling me* that i'm fat since i was a small small child.

i know, realistically, i'm midsize at MOST. i am a size now where i can pretty much get clothes anywhere and i'm *average* sized. but any time i walk into a doctor's office, i know that they're going to tell me that i need to lose weight. that my bullshit bmi is way too high. i still get told i'm obese.

anyway, the point is, it's all bullshit. i've lost 40lbs in the last 3ish years. i've gone from a 14/16 down to a 10/12 and it's not enough. it's probably never going to be enough. so just find a way to be happy with yourself. i've learned to nod at my doctors and tell them i'll do what they say, knowing that when i do what they say i'll maintain my weight AT BEST.

anyway. just know none of this is judgement about/for/of anyone else. this is simply my personal experience with weight and doctors and my relationship with my body and weight. everyone should just. don't ignore doctors. but be aware of how fucking insidious the health care profession is about weight.

health and weight are not always specifically linked. sometimes weight gain/loss is a symptom. sometimes it has no baring on any of it. and even if it *does* who fucking cares. but the point is health care for fat people generally is shitty because doctors will tell you lose weight and not even bother to look for anything else.

meh. it's just frustrating and sad and i hate it.

[lordkingsmith]

June lyric prompts 2024

1. Leave it to me to get into some kinda trouble/breaking a rule, crossing a line/leave it to me to step into chaos/tame fire with one hand on the other I could die/I’ve just fallen ten stories but that ain’t hurtin/just dance in fire/but that boy, he is my/current emergency-current emergency by Savannah Campbell

2. And the blood will dry, underneath my nails/And the wind will rise up, to fill my sails/See you can doubt, and you can hate/But I know, no matter what it takes/I'm coming home-coming home by Skylar Grey

3. Always catching myself at night/Only go out when the sun goes down/I got an ocean of emotion inside/I am not Poseidon lover's island but I ride him in the riptide-crybaby by roseboi

4. There’s a dirt road in town/where the north wind blows in jest,/and the midnight sun burns low,/in the woods where now they rest/and the tents in the fields break the younger men’s backs/and corsets and the heels pop the drunken gents slacks/Soapy Smith laid his hand, raised ‘em up in this land/long gone-forever he’s damned-Diamond Lil by Seth and Sara

5. The girl was never there/It's always the same/I'm running towards nothing/Again and again and again.-A Forest by Kaleida

6. And the stress it unwinds/To a pulse of true time/And the symbols they rhyme/Pouring out into my mind/I'm here feeling it all/I'm here, big and small/I can do anything/I can do nothing/I am free, I'm free in my mind-Free by Ocie Elliott

7. Who's that sexy thing I see over there?/That's me, standin' in the mirror/What's that icy thing hanging 'round my neck?/Um, that's gold, show me some respect, oh-Me, Too by Meghan Trainor

8. Such boundless pleasure/We've no time for later now/You can't await your own arrival/You've twenty seconds to comply-Let Go by Imogen Heap

9. I am a collapsing star with tunnel vision/But only for you/My head is stripped just like a screw that's been tightened too many times/When I think of you/I will shield you from the waves/If they find you/I will protect you/Just tell me, tell me, tell me, I/I am the only one/Even if it's not true-Last of the real ones by Fall Out Boy

10. There's a haze above my TV/That changes everything I see/And maybe if I continue watching/I'll lose the traits that worry me/Can we fast forward to go down on me?-New Perspective by Panic!At the disco

11. My body's aching/System overload/Temperature's rising/I'm about to explode/Watch me I'm intoxicated/Taking the show, ah/It's got me hypnotized, ah/Everybody step aside-evacuate the dance floor by Cascada

12. Still harder getting up, getting dressed, living with this regret/But I know if I could do it over/I would trade, give away all the words that I saved in my heart/That I left unspoken-what hurts the most by rascal flatts

13. Time to stage a show/smile and pretend/drown in sorrows and cry/tell them all these little white lies/oh, god knows that I’ve tried/pretend that I’m fine-blame by pocket key

14. Recount the night that/I first met your mother/And on the drive back to my house/I told you that, I told you that I loved ya/You felt the weight of the world/Fall off your shoulder/And to your favorite song/We sang along to the start of forever/And after all this time I'm still into you-into you by Paramore

15. Came a time/When every star fall/Brought you to tears again/We are the very hurt you sold/And what's the worst you take/From every heart you break?-Helena by My Chemical Romance

16. Haven't had a dream in a long time/See, the life I've had/Can make a good man bad/So for once in my life/Let me get what I want/Lord knows, it would be the first time-please please please by the smiths

17. I don't need no honey, I want more money/Talking that bad money, that mad money/Only get silly for a billy, yeah, I said I'ma need a couple more zeros on that-Zeros by headie one(feat. Jazzy & cassö)

18. Check yes Juliet/Here's the countdown/Three, two, one, now fall in my arms/Now they can change the locks/Don't let them change your mind

19. I know temptation is the devil in disguise/You risk it all to feel alive, oh, yeah/You're offering yourself to me like sacrifice/You said you do this all the timeTell me you love me if I bring you to the light-take my breath by The Weeknd

20. He knew what to say to sweep me off my feet/I should've never heard a word he said to me/I was comfortable with ignorance is bliss/'Cause I told myself I wouldn't fall for it/But then/Quicker than a flash, he had me at hello/He took me by the hand, we started dancing slow/I didn't wanna get attached but now, I'm far too close-Valentino by MNEK and Years & Years/Olly Alexander

21. Some tings don't work/Some tings are bound to be/Some tings, they hurt/And they tear apart me/You left your diary at my house/And I read those pages/Do you really love me, baby?-wait a minute! By Willow Smith

22. Does the pain weigh out the pride/And you look for a place to hide?/Did someone break your heart inside/You're in ruins-21 guns by Green Day

23. Only you can be the aching in my heart/My enemy, the only animal I couldn't fight/You hold me in the dark when storms arrive/Only you-Ellie Goulding Only You

24. I know we got it good, but they got it made/And their grass is getting greener each day/I know things are looking up, but soon they'll take us down/Before anybody's knowin' our name-all the right moves by one republic

25. If our love is running out of time/I won't count the hours, rather be a coward/When our worlds collide/I'm gonna drown you out before I lose my mind-lalala by naughty boy

26. Handsome, tender, soft/Why do you look right through/Thinking/“No, I can't deny my feelings"/Growing strong/I try to keep believing, dreaming on/And every time I see you, I crave more/I wanna pull you closer, closer, closer, closer/But you leave me feeling frozen

27. There may be/Someone who truly believes love is blind/But I beg to differ there's two of a kind/They will find each other/And that is a real bliss/Our very first kiss-first kiss by Alexander rybak

28. He said "think about the children/Think about the children/You wanted me to write a hit record for the radio/Are you never gonna get it?/The kids already know!/Some girls like girls, some boys got a boyfriend/I like guys and they like me/We hold hands, make out and do all the things that lovers do/Some girls like girls, some boys got a boyfriend/I like guys and they like me/We hold hands, make out and do all the things that lovers do-radio friendly pop song by Matt Fischel

29. We learn to run at speed of light/And to fall down from any height/It's true but just remember that/What we do is what you just can't do/An opera of craziness-cartoon heroes by aqua

30. Hello baby, can I see a smile/I'm going to a party and its gonna be wild (okay)/Can I come, I am sitting alone/No, friends are never alone (that's right)/Maybe some pretty girls are in your world/Excuse me, I could also be your girl/Lately everyone is making fun-best friend by ToyBox

31. Give me the burden, give me the blame/I'll shoulder the load, and I'll swallow the shame/Give me the burden, give me the blame/How many, how many Hail Marys is it gonna take?/Don't care if he's guilty, don't care if he's not/He's good and he's bad and he's all that I've got-Devil’s Backbone by The Civil Wars