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hi!! i was wondering if i could request a one shot based on the GGUM mv where yeonjun is a cocky and bratty k pop idol that belittles everyone and basically the reader is like his mananger whoâs had enough of his behavior and decides to teach him a lesson and heâs super submissive.
btw i LOVE your writing. cold, curse city was amazing <3
jumped for joy when i saw submissive yeonjun YAYYYYYYY (also thank you!!! hehe)
(wc: 2k / warnings: mean dom!reader, sub!yeonjun, readerâs kind of a bitch but yeonjun is too so itâs okay, degradation, humiliation, oral kinda idk eating pussy thru the panties, unprotected sex, edging..?)
youâre pretty sure that the biggest source of your headaches on any given day is the man youâre watching right nowâon a tuesday at eight in the morningâwhoâs trying to convince you that the interviewer deserved it earlier when he called her an idiot.
âyeah, no. thatâs never happening again,â you say plainly, cutting off his long-winded explanation. if only he could catch on when youâre trying to leave no room for argument, but unfortunately he has the most major case of lacking respect and decorum that youâve ever seen.
âso you think it was okay for her to say that being bratty is my whole brand?â he asks.
âwell, if you keep acting the way you do, then you canât be surprised if thatâs what people focus on.â you wonât lie: his brash personality is definitely good for gaining attention. his PR team never has to work too hard, since they know yeonjunâs going to do something stupid to get him on the news anyway. youâre jealous, cause youâre over here busting your ass to make sure he doesnât go too far and ruin his career.
âiâd be selling a fake image if i was out there kissing babies and shaking hands,â yeonjun says.
âso the better alternative is running your mouth until half the country wants you beaten up?â you donât want him to act like someone heâs not, but you also donât want him to be such a dick to everyone.
âstop acting like you know me or the things i want,â he says. it lights a fire inside of you, rage burning at his insinuation. âi donât want a nice, clean image. i fucking hate it when you try to force that onto me.â
he walks away into his dressing room, probably done with you and this conversation, but youâve had it. youâre pissed, and he needs to learn that he doesnât sit on top of the world. you mutter out quick apologies to the staff you push past in your haste to follow yeonjun.
before you can step into the room, yeonjun slams the door in front of your face. âyeonjun, are you fucking kidding me?!â you bang your fist against the door when turning the knob doesnât work.
âgo away,â he says from behind the door. you let out something like a growl in your frustration, feeling like you might just rip all your hair out. itâs too early to already be doing this.
âwhy do you throw fits every time i try to tell you to have some respect? you can never just bite your tongue for a second.â
youâre met with silence. you hate when he starts tuning you out. youâll have to pop a few tylenols after this to keep your headache from killing you.
you start up once more, âyou think anyoneâs gonna look at your art before they look at you as a person? whatâs the point in making good music if the person behind it is such a jackass?â
again, no reply. you sigh, running your hands down your face as you try to collect yourself. this isnât worth it. heâs never going to change.
âiâm thinking i should just quit and let you deal with whatever asshole comes in after me,â you say, just trying to stir him into giving you a response now. you usually keep yourself from going back and forth with him like this, but heâs been on your nerves way too much recently. you were bound to explode with how much heâs been testing you.
the door finally opens. you donât waste a second when you push it wider and enter the room, shutting it behind you. heâs crossing his arms, eyebrow raised like heâs waiting for you to scold him some more.
âyou actually gonna quit, or was that all talk?â he asks.
you scowl and push on his shoulders until heâs sitting on one of the chairs. his eyes widen for a second like heâs surprised you actually put your hands on him. he should be grateful you donât do worse.
âlisten, iâm not going to take your shit anymore. iâm not giving you a choice. you need to have some respect.â you look down at him with ice cold eyes. he squirms a little in his seat; you almost find it funny.
âi donât know how you expect me to do that. this is just how i am,â he counters.
âshutting your mouth would be a good start.â you put your hand over his lips when he opens them to start talking again. âsee, youâre already trying to bark. just listen.â
you keep your hand there, and youâre kind of surprised that he doesnât even try to move you away. your other hand grips the back of his chair so that youâre leaning over him, and you finally feel like youâre more powerful than him. you feel like he might listen to you for once.
âif you donât want to be seen as a brat, then donât be a brat,â you say. âyou can have a tough image without annoying everyone. people see you more as a toddler than as some cool guy.â
his eyes dart down, and you realize that, with you leaning over him, he has a great view of your cleavage. heâs staring at your tits. scandalized, you grab his jaw to tilt his head all the way up, so he can either stare at the ceiling or look at your face. he chooses the ceiling.
âare you trying to make me hate my job? do you want me to quit?â you ask.
his eyes find yours at that, and youâre a little surprised to not find any fight in them. he shakes his head and keeps his mouth shut.
âyou can answer now,â you say, letting go of his jaw.
âdonât quit, i like you as my manager,â he answers quickly. you huff out a laugh.
âwell you sure as hell donât act like it.â
âiâm sorry,â he apologizesâand sounds completely sincere, too.
you stand up straight, assessing him silently. you let your eyes rake down his body, noticing how he doesnât move an inch. looks like youâve finally put him in his place. itâs such a shame that it practically takes you bullying him to get to this point.
âso youâre gonna cool the tough guy act?â you ask.
âi dunno, maybe you should test how obedient i can be,â he prompts with a growing smile. wow, and you were doing so well.
âget off that chair.â immediately he does, standing up and waiting for his next instruction. you laugh at how pathetic his switch up is. youâd love for the nation to see yeonjun now, so eager to follow your orders. how far will he go?
you decide to test it out. âkneel.â
heâs just as quick to follow through with that, too. a power rush is already surging inside you, pumping adrenaline through your body. he looks up at you from his position on his knees. thereâs still some space between you, though.
âcome a little closer. crawl to me.â your pleased smile stays on your face as you watch him obey, keeping eye contact as he inches toward you.
âthis is so funny,â you say as you look down at him. for the first time in your life, you see him look embarrassed. his eyes dart off to the side, unable to take the torment. âeyes on me. donât you dare try looking away again.â
his cheeks glow with a subtle red tint, you notice as you take in his face. âwould you be so kind as to apologize to me again?â you ask.
âiâm sorry,â he answers promptly.
âhm. better than that.â
he looks confused, but you know heâs desperate to follow because heâs quick to oblige. âiâm sorry i was such a brat to you and everyone else.â
âyou were a brat. what do you think brats like you deserve?â
you feel him shiver. âpunishment,â he answers meekly.
âthatâs right.â you place your foot on his crotch, not paying any mind to how hard he is already. âwhat a shame you were so bad. you couldâve came today.â you take your foot off him and spread your legs apart. âget me nice and wet for your cock.â
âw-what?â he stammers, looking up at you all scandalized.
âiâm not in the mood to repeat myself.â with all the eagerness heâs ever had, yeonjun grips onto your thighs and dips his head beneath your skirt. he starts licking your cunt over your panties, tongue working adamantly against you like heâs scared to do it wrong or poorly.
you sigh, relaxing into the feeling. this is better stress relief than any amount of medicine could give you. maybe youâll be resorting to this more often.
he wraps his lips around your clothed clit and sucks, then swipes his tongue across the swollen bud. heâs deeply focused on pleasuring you, repeating any little action that makes your legs twitch. you hate to admit it, but heâs getting you wet so fast.
âguess this is the only way to shut you up, huh?â you ask, and you feel him nod in response. âshould i do this more then?â
âyes,â he pulls away to say, replacing his mouth with his fingers rubbing quickly against you. âdo it as much as you want.â
âis the promise of pussy the only way youâllâfuck, just like thatârespect me?â his fingers run wildly over your clit, desperation oozing off of him.
âonly yours. iâll do anything for it.â he presses into your core, grinding his hand against you. âyouâre so wet. please sit on my cock.â
you hum, wanting to say no and torture him more, but you canât deny how bad you want to feel him inside you.
âsit on the chair and undo your pants,â you instruct. you slide off your panties as he does that.
you sit on his lap and give his dick a few quick jerks before aligning it with your entrance. he makes more noise than you do as you sink onto him, which would make you snicker if you werenât so busy adjusting to his size.
âyou moan like a bitch,â you hiss out as you finally take all of him in. you stay bottomed out for a minute, letting yourself get used to the stretch, grinding your hips every now and then to hear him whine.
âplease move, i need more,â he says after a minute.
âdonât tell me what to do.â you start moving anywayânot because he begged you to, but because youâre getting needier for your orgasm. âthis isnât about you, brat.â
he keeps whining as you bounce on his dick, throwing his head back and dropping his mouth open. he sounds so much better when heâs moaning like a whore instead of bitching at everyone on earth.
you gasp when you feel his fingers on your clit, playing with the bud with endless need. even when he bites his lip, little noises keep spilling out of him, and a part of you is almost afraid that someoneâs going to hear him.
âiâm close,â you say as you lean back a little, letting his dick hit a new spot inside of you. his eyes shine when he sees your body start twitching.
âi want you to cum so bad, please please give it to me!â his begging throws you ever the edge, biting your lip so you donât make any sound. breathy little noises escape you instead, which yeonjun seems to like just as much.
you swat his hand away when it becomes too much, catching your breath while you ignore yeonjunâs twitching dick inside of you. yeonjunâs losing his patience, grabbing your hips needily.
âi need to cum too,â he says, brows upturned and almost looking pitiful. you enjoy the feeling of him inside you for a couple more seconds before getting up.
âisnât that too bad,â you say. his jaw drops, and he goes speechless yet again. âdonât look so surprised. didnât i tell you that you wonât be cumming today?â
the betrayal on his face suddenly makes this job worth every penny.
#txt x reader#yeonjun x reader#txt smut#yeonjun smut#delugyu drabbles#this was so fun to write thank u anon đ«¶
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bestfriend!steve comforting you after a break up
wc: 875
a/n: this short thing was born because "walking in the rain" by we all together has been stuck on repeat for me currently. enjoy!
.ă»ă.ă»ăâă».ă»â«ă»ăă»ă. .ă»ă.ă»ăâă».ă»â«ă»ăă»ă.
âhey, what are you doing out here?âÂ
you were somehow able to hear steveâs voice over the heavy sound of the rain.Â
seeing his maroon bmw was unexpected, and if it was any other moment it wouldâve been a pleasant surprise, but in this one it wasnât because you had really just wanted to be alone.Â
âiâm just walking,â you answered, not stopping to walk over to his car and instead continuing your path down the sidewalk; you werenât entirely sure where you were going, but you didnât really mind that right then.Â
âwalking?â steve asked, his tone incredulous and slightly amused. âitâs pouring out.â
all you could do was shrug in response because you didnât want to say anything right then; not even to your best friend.Â
you hoped that would be the end of it. that steve would understand that your shrug meant that you wanted to be left alone and heâd drive away, leaving you out here walking in the rain on this random tuesday afternoon. but of course, he didnât drive off.Â
instead, he pulled over and parked his car on the random street and then ran to catch up with you; his scoops ahoy uniform immediately getting soaked in the process along with his hair. Â
âwhatâs wrong?â he asked, falling into step with you.Â
you shook your head instead of verbally answering him because you knew that it would be too hard to outwardly lie to him.Â
steve looked at you, confusion and worry written so clearly across his features because he didnât know what was up with you in this moment.Â
the rain hid your tears well, but it didnât hide how puffy and red your eyes were.Â
âare you crying?â he asked. âwhat happened?â
you wiped at your cheeks with the sleeve of the jacket you were wearing, and it did absolutely nothing to help, but the action still felt slightly soothing. âi donât really want to talk about it right now.âÂ
âokay,â steve responded, matching your quiet tone and not pushing you further. âwe can keep walking.â
and so you did. continued walking down the random sidewalk and letting the rain fill the silence lingering between you two.Â
until you finally did say something.Â
ânate and i broke up. well, actually, he, um, he broke up with me⊠he ended things,â you said and then you quickly continued before steve could respond. âand i didnât want to talk about this right now. i wanted to wait until i was at least a little less sad about it to tell you, but...â you trailed off with a halfhearted shrug.Â
âiâm sorry,â steve told you, voice soft and hand finding yours, giving it a light reassuring squeeze.Â
âitâs okay.âÂ
it was obvious that your words were a lieâ there was nothing about how affected you felt by the abrupt end of this six month relationship that felt okayâ but steve decided against calling you out on it.Â
he gave your hand another squeeze. âcan we go to my car now before we end up getting sick out here?â
âokay,â you whispered and for a second, you thought that he wasnât able to hear you over the sound of the rain, but then he was leading the way back to his car.Â
âi just donât get it, yâknow,â you said, voice still quiet, once you were sitting in steveâs passenger seat. your rain-soaked clothes were starting to stick to you in an uncomfortable kind of way, but you weren't really focused on that right then. âwhat i did wrong.â
âyou didnât do anything wrong.â the certainty in his voice surprised you as much as it managed to comfort you. Â
you turned to look at him, the smallest frown on your face. âhow could you possibly know that?â
âbecause i know you and youâre great.â
his words made you smile, just a little bit, which was a nice contrast from how shitty youâd been feeling for the last hour. it was typical steve behavior, him doing anything and everything to make you feel better. Â
youâd been used to it from the moment you two met in third grade when you tripped while playing on the playground and he cracked jokes during the entire walk to the nurses office to take your mind off of the pain of your scraped knees.Â
âi never liked nate, by the way,â he continued.Â
âi know you didnât,â you responded. âwhich is what makes this a thousand times more embarrassing.â
you knew that if you had just avoided nate like steve had suggested from the beginning none of this would be happening. you wouldnât have been walking around aimlessly in the rain and you wouldnât have needed your best friend to save you from your own sadness.Â
 âdo you want me to take you to your place or mine?â steve asked softly, breaking the growing quiet.Â
âyours,â you answered immediately. you couldnât imagine not being with him right nowâ in his house, in whatever t-shirt and sweatpants heâd offer you to change into, on his couch watching bad movies until it got late and you dragged yourselves to his bed to sleep like youâd done a million times before. âplease.â
steve nodded. âof course. anything for you.â
#steve harrington x reader#steve harrington x fem!reader#steve harrington fluff#steve harrington blurb#steve harrington fic#steve harrington imagine#steve harrington x you#steve harrington angst
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Chapters: 3/11 Fandom: Percy Jackson and the Olympians & Related Fandoms - All Media Types Rating: Mature Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
 Relationships: Jason Grace/Percy Jackson, Annabeth Chase/Piper McLean, Nico di Angelo/Leo Valdez, Hazel Levesque & Frank Zhang, Percy Jackson & Piper McLean, Annabeth Chase & Percy Jackson, Annabeth Chase & Jason Grace, Nico di Angelo & Jason Grace, Jason Grace & Leo Valdez, Silena Beauregard/Charles Beckendorf, Silena Beauregard & Piper McLean, Aphrodite/Poseidon (Percy Jackson)
Additional Tags: Alternate Universe - Royalty, Arranged Marriage, piper and percy are half siblings, piper and silena are half siblings, but percy and silena aren't related at all, Poseidon is an okay Parent, athena is a bad parent, Lesbian Piper McLean, Gay Jason Grace, Asexual Jason Grace, Bisexual Leo Valdez, Bisexual Annabeth Chase (Percy Jackson), Bisexual Percy Jackson, Demisexual Percy Jackson, low fantasy with maybe some magic, but it's not a big part of the story, it gives almost fey court vibes but without all the magic if that helps ig
Summary:
Percy is the (bastard) heir to the Kingdom of Cyprus who doesn't want to get married. Piper is his legitimate half-sister who's been keeping him in the good light her whole life, worried at how he'll manage if she's forced to leave Cyprus for a marriage
Annabeth is the greatest shame of her mother, and illegitimate heir to Athens, forced to watch her younger brother inherit the throne, her only hopes to reclaim her honor in a political marriage.
Jason is the newly minted heir to Olympia, after his older sister ran off suddenly, just trying to navigate a life he's never been taught, but is expected to master.
When alliances are drawn, it's in the best interests of all of their kingdoms that they stick to the plan, but their hearts aren't with the program. They have a week to sort out love from royal responsibility, and two love stories that must end in two marriages, even if the lines are a bit squiggly.
This week....
Annabeth makes her entrance, Percy makes an impression
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Wait you had autism and still got along with the other kids and knew what was going on with them?? I was never able to do that! I still chose to do my own thing but would have been unable to answer those questions.
I mean I didn't really WANNA make friends for a super long time so it didn't really matter? And if anyone was outright mean I don't think I noticed till like 6th grade.
After 6th a few other kids liked to throw or kick things at my face or steal my art supplies or give me mean nicknames- I remember almost all the boys in my class one year started a thing where if I got within 4 feet of them they'd yell "[tea] GERMS!" and make a dramatic mad-dash escape, and that was kinda hurtful, but IDK how long that was a thing??
Anyhow I started asking them if they had a crush on me or if they were just stupid, and when they asked what I meant I'd just be like "well there's two reasons boys act stupid around girls. Either you have a crush on me, or you're just always this stupid"
And that invariably led to them yelling "I'm stupid, I'm stupid!" or telling me, "I'd rather say I'm stupid than say I like you!"
Which might have been hurtful if I wasn't growing into a mild superiority complex that assured me I was smarter than them, and nicer than them, and there was really no need to desire the approval of stupid, mean people.
(This was, of course, backed up by the fact that my father was one of those mean, stupid sorts of people, and I fully beleived if I could handle him, I could handle anyone my size, and so what if you dont like me? My own dad doesnt like me, am i supposed to value your opinion?)
Then by highschool I got hot, and if one of them started chatting me up I'd just be like "You wrote in my yearbook in 2002 that I was a huge loser. Why would I want to hang out with you"
And by THEN I'd met enough genuinely fun, interesting people who actually liked me that I was never around anyone who openly disliked me anyways.
Not until I started to realize I wasn't 100% a girl and cut my hair off- Then I started hearing other girls whispering to each other that I looked like a lesbian- gasp- which, again, was actually pretty funny, 'cause then I'd just tell them not to get their hopes up 'cause I wasn't available.
Then I graduated, and moved, and it turns out I'm actually kind of hot funny smart and successful, and whenever I fall into the deep deep pit of dumb ugly stupid imposter-syndrome, I remember that as mean as other kids were sometimes, their parents thought I was the best.
So anyways get fucked Gabe from ninth grade, your mom used to give me candy and bail me out of detention. I had the biggest fucking crush on your mom dude
#But uhhh I guess if I can give anyone in the weirdo seat some advice it'd be Prioritize whose opinions you care about#Learn to like yourself#and Don't take any of that shit seriously like the MINUTE you get out it stops mattering#Also I'm a security guard now so I've hauled Gabe's drunk on a Tuesday stupid ass out of ditches a few times#That definitely makes things better#I never forgot the hockey puck Gabe you dumbshit#How's your mom
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the tess is exhausted
#i know its only tuesday but i was feeling pretty disgusted with myself (my appearance my personality my place in life etc)#then i went to the bathroom and BAM. werewolf week#it all makes sense now#anyway it doesnt make me feel any better man i feel like such a loser bitch#whatever
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screaming into the void <3
#my best friends boyfriend (who iâve also been friends with for years) is just. not himself rn#we think itâs a manic episode but we donât really know but itâs. terrifying lowkey#he thinks heâs genuinely jesus and that heâs conquered time and that he and my bsf are adam and eve#heâs been sending my bsf liek hundreds of texts per day since tuesday but it got really really bad and incoherent yesterday#and i woke up this morning to see multiple texts from gcs he created w me in them#and he keeps being like âbecause itâs 6:20 this is trueâ and like âi know that at 9 pm everyone is gonna understandâ#and heâll text like 5 times then send a sc of what he just texted like that proves something but itâs all nonsense#iâm just really really concerned cause he really needs help but i donât know how to ensure that happens cause heâs 19. not a minor#heâs just. not him rn. heâs called my bsf multiple times yesterday when he HATES calling normally#he had his band and his mom over in his apartment yesterday cause my bsf called his mom and h went to his bands show but was visibly not ok#and he saw nothing weird about it even tho he hates having ppl over normally and never without warning#and you canât get him to see logic because everything you say he just twists around to work for him#to be clear it was not this bad when it started. when it started it seemed like normally maybe slightly out there conclusions he was drawing#but it just got worse and worse like exponential decay and really bad yesterday#he also didnât sleep at all yesterday night and idk if he slept tonight#i know his mom took his phone at one point but he texted me and gcs w me in it starting at like 6:20 this morning#and my bsf and i and friends are on a trip out of state rn but weâre leaving today and i donât wanna wake her up until i have to because#this is literally hell for her. but itâs just. scary. i donât know what to do. i donât think thereâs any good options really for me rn#i want to warn ppl and try to explain heâs Not Him rn so they donât get concerned but who knows if theyâll understand what iâm trying to say#i know itâs not the end of the world but it really feels like the end of my world as i know it if that makes sense#and my bsf lives with him in an apartment near their college and they just signed the lease for the next year#but she canât stay there with him alone. not until he gets help. weâre all too scared itâs going in the directon where he thinks itâs better#for ppl to go to the afterlife. which like he never would normally. but heâs Not Him and so like. who knows#he keeps talking about all these different dimensions and how you need to travel to the 7th dimension to understand#my bsf was crying yesterday and she called her mom to explain and she keeps saying that she just wants her jake back itâs really scary#cause he will probably never be the same again. heâll be similar but different but she wants his comfort but heâs Not Him. and canât give it#i just. really want this to get better but itâs so hard to see that happening rn
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might be even more protective of jun that i am of kaz and jin
#i see bad takes on kaz and jin im like âyup its a tuesday alrightâ#i see jun being called âdelusionalâ i have to stop myself from flying in a blind fucking rage#sorry you cant understand her. but tbf the writing doesnt make it any easier so i guess that tracks#âshe deserves betterâ and the sky is fucking blue can we move on?#tagging later
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are u going to wake up early to watch sonego? i am tempted , but it will be 3 am for me
sorry anon, i'm several days late but no i didn't wake up early for sonny, i had work in the morning and was starting to get sick so i needed to have energy to get through the work day. i still woke up pretty early so i could've watched a bit of the match but i was truly feeling like death physically and i didn't want to add anxiety over the match to it. i did check the score until i had to start work and then again as soon as i could and that's when i saw the final result and was sad đ
#i actually basically didn't watch any match between tuesday and saturday. only the start of carlitos v djoko#i always had work in the morning so i was either sleeping as not to be a zombie later or working#then yday i watched both the women's singles and men's doubles finals and neither went how i wanted them to rip#which had nothing to do with the feelings of anxiety and dread i've had all week that was all the men's singles' fault#but it didn't make me feel better sigh#even if after the initial devastation for aryna passed i was able to be truly happy for madison#anyway idk why i recapped all of this you didn't ask for it#i think i was trying to like lol look back at this tennis week with some positive feelings - which is crazy bc i AM very happy jan won#but i was happier the moment it actually happened like when he won the match point i sobbed from happiness#after that... the bad feelings started again so i haven't been able to enjoy it as much#but yeah... yeah idk. this is why i need to take a little step back from seeing tennis all over social media and everywhere#which is hard bc tennis is everywhereeee for me i am surrounded by it. so yeah staying away for a little bit#i just wanted to reply to asks#asks#anon
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alright, i have come here to discuss something tonight and that topic is: barton still killing every single police officer that bothers him at the docks (except for jim, but i swear that's just for plot purposes. okay... nah đ« it's not lmao BUT moving on) and hating law enforcement in general + vigilantes, BUT with the new added context that he has a partner who he found out is a vigilante? well... i'm just here to say that it makes me think that doing mental gymnastics is just a daily practice for barton at this point LOL
but that's okay, because his vigilante partner is genuinely slay in his eyes + worth it. and thus, anyone who dares try to call him a hypocrite for being with her will be smacked halfway to tuesday so â€ïž (the heart essentially means don't do it JSJSJ â ïž not to say that i would expect that anyone here would do it OFC though y'all know what i mean (,,: and oh, the mun who portrays the vigilante character that i'm talking about knows who they are tehe MUAH ilyyy)
#OF MONSTERS AND MEN: musings.#ooc post.#AHHH yet another rambling courtesy of autumn at a slightly late time on a tuesday buttt that's alright BC i live to post about this-#chaos gremlin even if it is at 10:00 at night / hj LOL nahhh i don't literally live for it OFC but it is very enjoyable might i say#and while i'm here just kind of shitposting in the tags can i just say that enemies to lovers is one of my favorite tropes...#SO of course i am saying this with all of the love in my heart for cruella and her OC kat because she's great + i think that the dynamic-#that we've built between her OC and barton is honestly really interesting + i just. GAHHH i love it in general okok#but i wanted to just make a little light-hearted post kind of calling barton out for his favoritism today BC as his number one hater#i feel it is my responsibility to expose him for all of his inconsistencies / j LMAO i kiddd but i just think that him making an exception#for one vigilante because they're his partner after having what feels like an identity crisis BC barton was basically thinking#'well doesn't being with one technically mean that i'm supporting them as a whole?' but honestly i think it is a bit more nuanced#than that and barton realized this because like. yeahhh they may have faith in the possibility of him being able to change BUT#for now he's still committing atrocities + one still has to work out the complete 'kinks' of a relationship like this of courseee but#oddly enough them believing that he can change may or may not have been a deciding factor in barton's decision to be with them BC#he isn't often 'believed in' if you know what i mean as a villain as you may be able to imagine and it does admittedly intrigue barton#when someone is able to see the humanity in someone like himself who he generally views to be so irredeemable that there's#basically no chance for him TO become any better so yeah
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Currently making a tres leches cake (at 3 am) and I think I messed up the sponge :âD Like this milk is not absorbing that well. Putting it in the fridge I hope tmrw itâll look alright đ«¶đŒ
#and if it doesnât Iâll have to find a way to make it better before bringing it to class#ahhh and itâs my turn to lecture too#anyway#short stories today#I worked with kindergarteners! that was fun#theyâre so cute <3#and if u do any small amount of art theyâll be like omg ur so good lol#which i think is funny#theyâre so creative too#like I worked with 4th graders before and ngl they kinda took longer because theyâre so focused on perfectionism#these kindergartners just did the activity as soon as I handed them the chalk!#anyway Iâm just glad they like doing art for the sake of doing it :>#also idk why they scheduled me to do Tuesdays when my baking class/obligations are Tuesday + Wednesdays :âD#oh well#hence the baking at 3 am thing lol#technically I started at 11 pm#but anyway!#wishing the best for this cake otherwise tmrw me has to do sm fixing đ«¶đŒ#Bella rambles
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My doctor messaging me at 12:30 in the morning to tell me she wants to do a telehealth visit abt the side effects I'm having with my new Lamotrigine dose (including worse insomnia than my usual insomnia, as u may have guessed lmao) is. something.
#text post#like i know why i am awake babe why are YOU awake this late#and god why do we have to do another visit#they aren't bad enough to make me stop this dose and i haven't been on the new dose long enough to let it even out#can i not just Not have to do another uncomfortable visit where even if things turn out okay after#i later feel like I'm still not being wholly trusted/treated like i know my body and how i feel#i had worse side effects restarting this med months ago and we didn't have any additional visits for that#they fucking forgot to even book me for a f/u and i had to call in and beg for one basically#and then they misbooked it for the wrong reason and with the wrong doctor#and made it out like it was my fault when i made clear i begged and told the receptionist i spoke to to book said appt#that it needed to b with my doc for the Lamotrigine and that i hadn't been told when to follow up so i was just. doing it#bc she said i needed to but then didn't say when to book it#they're trying hard and im trying to give them grace but then this shit happens and like#im tired. makes me want to go into my new doc like nah never mind im fine. don't ask me nothing and i won't bug you with anything#unless im dying or nearly dead already.#would suck beyond believe attempting to raw dog life mostly again but goddamn. im so sick of this lack of stability with my care#anyway. probably an appt next Tuesday which is great#that's the week of the weekend that i work again and the week before my bday#(a bday I'll be working now which I'm not normally irked abt but. i am a bit rn)#so cool. yeah. let's stack anxiety and fear over a medical appt on top of everything else for that week#and that's not counting that this weekend I've been tasked with buying and getting signed a v expensive and rare figure#for my mum's bf and I'm kind of terrified im gonna fuck it up#he paid for tickets to the con the figure will be sold at and that the person he wants to sign it will be at#so if i fuck this up he'll want (understandably) to be paid back asap for that#and that's money i don't fucking have rn#i really wish she had waited till the actual day proper to contact me bc i couldn't sleep before this#and now i definitely cant bc like#it's dumb. but what if she takes my med away. it isn't perfect but it works better than any other med I've tried#what if she wants me to try a new one. i cant do that and b dealing with major side effects during the intense work schedule#that'll be happening for me v soon and then into November
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the experience i've had at my lab has been so mentally exhausting that im genuinely considering leaving research and going to corporate once i graduate lmao
#not that corporate is any better obviously#but i go back on tuesday and the thought of it is already making me want to k**l myself#i miss my old lab so much...
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I feel so depressed for no reason. I don't know what to do. I feel like I've tried everything.
#i think talking with my psychiatrist put me in a worse mood#i was like on the verge of tears while talking to her#she said that she would have hoped that the new med im on would have started to make a difference by now#she also said that i always present myself the same way when i come into her office. apparently im distant and withdrawn#i try so hard to open up but im just so bad at putting how i feel into words#she said i never report feeling any better. which isnt even true but i also just havent been feeling much improvement lately#i feel like i do acknowledge the improvement i've made#like she has seen me at my lowest. she literally sent me to the hospital in june. then she was my doctor while i was in the hospital too#idk#i think im just like getting burnt out from all this therapy. ive been in higher levels of care (inpatient/residential/php/iop) since may#i just don't want to do anything. even things i have enjoyed in the past or have always wanted to do#im going to spain with my family on tuesday but i so just dont want to go even though ive wanted to go to spain for a long time#this kind of reminds me of when i wasnt looking forward to the taylor swift concert or my 21st bday#and that was because i was so suicidal. i worry that's how im going to feel again#i felt like i couldnt keep getting through each day which i feel now too#but i guess my suicidal thoughts are less constant and intense now even though they are still chronic#i remember that i literally could not focus on anything because my mind would just wander to thoughts about hurting myself#i remember the constant thoughts and urges...
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If there's one food Khare absolutely hates, it's porridge. Back at the facility, it was the only thing test subjects were given to eat which, while nutritious enough in the short term, was bland and tasteless since it was served plain. As she mutated, Khare stopped eating since she was able to stave off hunger as well as the effects of being drugged since it was slipped into their food, allowing her to maintain enough cognitive function to lay out a solid escape plan.
#đ || musings#đ || headcanons#drugging tw#drugging cw#She won't scream and cry when she sees the stuff but man does it bring back bad memories#Since it was all she ate during those long horrible months#Not even any sugar or fruits to make it slightly palatable#It started making her sick after a while but that was due to the mutation#Since she couldn't absorb any nutrients from it#Started to crave meat big time which was an additional motivation to escape#I vegged out for a few hours this evening I'm sorry#Did get some writing done but oof#I will try better tomorrow since it's only a few working hours and another day off Wednesday#Happy Monday everyone!#Or Tuesday rather
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one of the worst things i have ever done in the name of art is decide that the final monologue would be in poorly written dutch and then have to translate that into English and then decide how youâre going to display this bc its way too much dutch for the little footnotes you have been including when a character does use a dutch word but also you also like,, need to translate this into english so now you have an appendix and that's way too fancy but it's still in Dutch and you still need to put it in English and it's not even hard Dutch like its basic yet your head hurts still looking at it even though you know what you did and what you wrote and words are hard and you simultaniously know and don't know and this long ramble is exactly how your brain was operating at the time so yay. me.
#and before you wonder why it's in dutch i'll tell you the worse my dutch is the better my point comes across#its meant to represent the moment where you have been hurt badly and you struggle to understand your feelings about it#so yea literally the worse it is the better the point of âi don't understand how i feel right now and i can't express itâ comes across#anyways yeah felt wrong. hated doing it. but it had to be done.#i feel bad for whomestever has to perform merel in any form#bc if the two page monologue i wrote in a previous work isnt enough. bc lbr thats evil.#like I look at that monologue and go. oh. oh boy thats intimidating#if you have been here a while you know what i mean#i think this may be worse even though its shorter#purely bc its written in my poor dutch#at LEAST theres no monologue in goud that makes me go 'the convincingness of this character relies on this monologue's delivery'#at least not for merel . maybe for anne-fleur#but eh write the monologues that if i was asked to perform would make me shit twenty two bricks yeah whatever#also like i know een beetje nederlands i may as well use it or try no matter how shit it is thats why its in my brain#this makes it seem impressive. its not. its really basic. which is again the point#and it confuses merel to no end#bc like writing is her thing! so to suddenly not ge able to write emotions and simply be like âim angryâ would indeed be shocking#if you read it u would see what i mean#dagboek (english version) is the new taylor's version and we fight at dawn.#at least maybe i know tuesday in dutch. maybe. we will see. i mix her and thursday up#dutch language found dead
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We've officially reached the 'too demotivated and drained to bother to go to class' part of the semester. Awesome
#if it wasn't for the strike I'd just go home on tuesday morning#because i don't want to miss too many korean sessions because we can't be absent more often than 4 times#but i don't plan on going to my monday and tuesday classes#and thursday is a holiday so that class is canceled and i am willing to miss wednesday's korean class if it means getting to#see my dog a day earlier#but alas i cannot#because no trains and shit#also my friend asked me if i wanted to join for drinks sometime this week(end) and i desperately need new friends#(i.e. i don't want to turn down invitations from people i don't hang out with often because i basically am getting#actively excluded from my other friends' activities (literally. if you don't want me around it's literally fine. just don't fucking act#like you do. i hate it here lmao)#no but that friend was like 'I'll always invite you' and damn i LOVE to hear it because the others apparently hate having me around#(again. fair enough. I'm not particularly outgoing or fun so i get it. i just don't want to make any effort there anymore so i kinda need#to make an effort with other people? because i really like her and all but i also don't feel like going out#and would much rather go home see my dogs- but if i turn down too many invitations she'll stop inviting me#which is only logical- idk i don't really want to have to have friends anymore#i just know life is better when i spend time with people sometimes and have someone to get through university hell with#anyway. i don't wanna go to class anymore and i really don't wanna do this degree anymore and i actually do not#want to go to korea but i have to because it's my only chance but it makes me want to kill myself but also not doing it would make me want#to kill myself so i don't really have anything going for me there#void screams
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