#it internalized that i shouldnt be. so wanting it *was* selfish

[simplydnp]

i feel like i need to go back and rewatch the entire 2 hour stream i need to experience it again

ive rewatched it so many times already. my favourite videos are the ones where they're just having fun, and that's what this stream is. there's a loose goal, a bucket of good vibes, and 'challenges' (incentives) to keep themselves entertained and uping the ante. it was fucking brilliant. what an excellent day.

[opal-owl-flight]

Mirror mirror....

Ive been messing with this concept of a shadow/mirror 3 recently as a writing exercise. Basically, I look into what the hell the regular 3 is hiding in the deepest bowels of their characterization and exaggerate/bring to the surface those traits. This is what I ended up with!

More deets below

Mirror 3 is carefree, but its bc they are willfully choosing not to look into the reasons for the dirty work theyre doing. Also, hilariously, they are taking care of themself.

(Bc 3 views self-care as a priviledge/a selfish thing and not smth they NEED TO DO TO LIVE)

Mirror 3 doesnt give their all in things bc if 50% is enough, why bother? They take care of themself...but usually at the expense of others.

Theyre a bad captain in the way that they ALWAYS sit in the back and never do any of the heavy lifting.

and they are smiling all! The! Time!

"Being a hero is easy!" They chirp, "You just have to do the right thing!"

Mirror 3 is the perfect hero. The perfect princess. Perfect....everything. at least to 3. And theyre not even trying to be. They take things so easy. They arent burdened by the world. Theyre living how they want to...... notably, by letting go of their responsibilities. Its likely an internal thing regular 3 has where they think they can only have one thing. Self, or the world? They had chosen the world.

The thing mirror 3 DOES give a damn abt is their image, and also Inkadia. Why shouldnt they? The nation praises them! The nation values them!

Bc of this, theyre keen on keeping the status quo! Ans its so fun. Its so easy!....and it benefits them.

They are a SELFISH bastard, the selfishness that contrasts 3s selflessness.

But tgeyre a mirror self still, rigjt?

They represent the parts of 3 that wants to be recognized for their work. The parts of 3 that want to rest. the parts of 3 that wants to forget about the truth of what theyve done. The parts that want to forget the horrors of war.

The parts of them that still cling to the belief that theyre a hero, and not a monster.

[ilynpilled]

why must everything that the text clearly states atp be misconstrued like i really dont get it he has plenty of flaws in that relationship but we, and cersei, know that he was ready to kill robert for just the disrespect of the cheating if cersei said the word. he doesnt concern himself with the personal consequences, he is reckless, detached from a lot of things, and can close his eyes at the future if he doesn’t want to acknowledge it. also the concern over the “shame” and ned type judgement feels so overestimated to me atp. he never regrets aerys, he is mad at how he is perceived (but again, notably doesnt try to rectify it by telling the truth for a lot of complex reasons), but he would never take it back. if he believes its the right thing to do, and is not overdosing on copium trying to juggle vows he cares about, he will do it, reputation be damned. though he has selfish concerns regarding being viewed as good, the internal matters so much more than the external: see weirwood dream: who actually shows up? what makes the fire go out? “it was not him. it was never him”, see the trebuchet fiasco, see the choice in adwd. why shouldnt we take cersei at face value when she implies that if jaime knew about the physical abuse he would have killed him? he loves and cares about cersei to an insane degree, even if he can be selfish toxic and unhealthy too. not to mention he would be glad to kill robert anyway lol. i really find it very very difficult to imagine that he wouldnt have killed him based on almost every single part of his characterization.

[iodrawsandtalks]

rhetorical.

why are nb people so casual about accepting media with racist remarks or historical erasure and then stigmatizing our reactions if we show them.

im mainly miffed rn about how we got Jade in Honkai: Star Rail rn who uses a whole ass whip and has said “slaves should be obedient to their masters”. And like where is the rage. Why is nobody mad there is a whole ass slave mistress in their big game.

Or why both honkai and genshin games continually market cultural appropriation that conveniently is no longer a problem when its black culture

i kept getting hit with the media literacy excuse like brother you need HISTORICAL literacy

Man i just want to play my games without having to put up with a monkey getting whipped, with a euphemism for a character crazy about watermelons and chickens, or even black characters having lightning/chains.

Like its not my fault im in anime circles and like that kind of content. Its not my fault that I’m born black either.

And like if we apply this to like a 10 year period there are much more examples like the little mermaid incident. I get people hate disney, their cashgrabs, and bad CGI but people were making fun of little black girls they never met because they couldnt understand why a black girl would want to see a black ariel. Why must the problem boil down to racism and why are people who have never experienced it there to dismiss it.

Or that time that final fantasy director said putting black people in the fantasy with ELVES and multi headed birds would affect historical accuracy.

Like are selfless people just rare? Can NOBODY understand societal issues they’ve never suffered? Why do people not fight racism for the sake of those who will come after us??

I’m not selfish if i get mad that some game is insensitive, i get mad on behalf of younger black people entering media spaces like me and feeling like killing themselves like i did. It never stops. And people will put their own issues above everybody else’s. I couldn’t stand using twt as a black guy bc when they find out you’re black they move you to the end of the cutting board and wait till you slip up so they have an excuse not to listen to black people. The n word isnt censored. Nazis can tell you that you should be out on the streets committing crimes like the rest of your people instead of being on twitter. Ive seen so many people look the other way when the right company inserts racism(hyv, inversely disney).

I always get told “its normal” in regards to complaints of international media perpetuating stereotypes and racism and like IT SHOULDNT BE. YOU SHOULD BE ANGRY. oh with hoyoverse honkeys its like “their game is from china and china hates black people🥺” racism is not enforced there. Racism is not enforced in any nation with a stable government. Some places enable it, but as far as I know theres no place where residents have to hit their daily slur quota. The developers are just incels. Racism makes me sick to my stomach and has my veins running hot. Ill feel ready to cut somebody or myself and you’re telling me people will downplay it and dare to say “its not a big deal”?

[esoteric-terror]

Two sides of the same coin

idk. i think theres a Lot of room for these two to be interesting together under the cut is how i would make them interesting To Me/partial avos rewrite, assume everything i dont mention is the same

about a year and a half ago @/cheecats posted this and i like this idea! it started making its rounds in my brain again and in my brain it Shifted, just a tad, and now we are here w this! thus we begin my madman rambling

prior to avos, rowanclaw is not a frequent character, he mostly just shows up to be mean and xenophobic, im p sure he shows up in night whispers as a good parent to his kids but for the sake of this im gonna ignore it and double down on the meanness, so for the rest of this im characterizing him as selfish, stubborn, mean, and someone who doesnt like being held accountable. do those traits sound familiar? they should, because im also describing onestar

we come to rowanclaw becoming leader, i want them to be Scarily similar, i need them to clash badly and be explosive because of said clash

they definitely differ tho! its just internally instead of externally. the biggest difference is that onestar is full of shame, regret, and self hatred. he knows that he shouldnt have ever met the kittypets. he knows he shouldnt have turned down darktail and because of him several kits died because he was a coward. he HATES that tallstar just had to make him deputy because that led to mudclaws death and him inevitably cutting off firestar. and he deeply regrets how he treated his old friend but he cant do much now as firestars dead! and he knows deep in his heart hes letting tallstar down. but if he drops the tough independent guy facade now and show how scared and regretful he actually is could lead to windclan being chased off again.

rowanstar on the other hand, is just Mean because thats all hes been surrounded by, 2 evil leaders, another who had a questionable history, and no shortage of clanmates who are just complete assholes. he doesnt have to prove shit to anyone in his clan, but he has everything to prove to the other clans as a new leader. hes not gonna be soft to them, fuck that! shadowclan can stand on its own w no help they got their shit down and everyone else needs to know that.

rowanstars cowardice isnt really recognized until after the kin shows up. he claims that he let them stay because theyre clearly strong. but hed never admit part of the reason he let them stay is because after bramblestar informed him that the rogues fought off onestar and his patrol that ultimately took one of onestars lives and killed furzepelt, he got scared to tell them no in case he met a similar fate.

in this hypothetical rewrite id switch the order of onestars and rowanstars deaths, so rowanstar dies at the end of the third book and onestar dies at the end of the fifth. because of that the circumstances around rowans death is changed a bit

so in some confrontation with the rogues, with rowan, tawnypelt, and tigerheart on one side with the kin on the other, tawnypelt ends up dying protecting rowanstar, because he let her take the killing blow. this is the first time hes shown visible terror, and because he didnt want to admit, even to himself, that this fight was his fault, and that because he was a coward and couldnt say no, he lost his mate, who was nothing but loyal to him.

skip to the end of shattered sky. theres another confrontation with the rogues. in this rowanstar doesnt step down! he still cant accept and doesnt want to admit that he was a coward, so he says the reason this happened was because he was too kind to his clan and to the rogues. the he gets killed.

this throws shadowclan under full control of the kin, and naturally this news spreads to windclan. and onestar is terrified out of his mind.

after a lot of projecting onto rowanstar, onestar realizes something: if he cant admit his faults, if he cant get over his pride, he will end up shamefully dying like rowanstar. and he recognizes that while he cant change the past, he can make the future better.

and so he tells everyone that darktail is his son and he steps down as leader. and in a way its freeing, this secret thats been eating him alive for years is now out in the open. he never knew darktail became this monster, onewhisker acknowledges that if it werent for his bad decisions as a young warrior, darktail wouldve never turned out this way, and he was gonna fix everything.

and then the battle that kills both of them happens the same as it does in canon, just later in the arc

-

ALL OF THIS TO SAY: rowan and one could have an interesting dynamic and it could be a cool parallel and i think if the erins tapped into that id like avos a lot more

[cogbreath]

personal drivel below

i do think about the time i sort of called someone out for writing toontown fanfic with csa plot in it. i wonder if that was the right thing to do. or maybe not that but rather if it was a productive thing to do. i wont lie i have some really selfish feelings about it in that my f/o was the abuser in the story and that really fucked with me to see that in his tag. and honestly i internally consider that person an enemy even tho like. all they are to me is an ao3 user. i kno they did get some backlash for it idk if it was entirely due to me or not.

my non selfish justification is that toontown is a kids thing and you really really probably shouldnt be writing THAT for childrens media.

apparently they had just recently turned 18? and ngl that did make me feel a bit oddly when i found it out. not that im much older myself but i feel kinda stupid for being so upset abt something someone who may or may not even have been outta highschool for a year yet did.

idk its something i ponder a lot.

the logical part of me ponders if it was worth it to do but the part of me thats full of emotions and baggage and problems still really hates that person and is happy about having said something

feel feee to add thoughts in replies if u want

[zushimart]

assorted scara ramblings frm dms w/the besties. wherein i discuss the Themes of his character that i most enjoy& Elaborate upon them messily.

i like the awkwardness . distant feeling frm others, never feeling fully human. but desperately craving closeness & community. mixed w like the unfounded & then Founded fear of rejection from that very thing ...

& the reality of ur existence being so unimportant to ur own mother, that even after revealing urself to be alive and free and even Evil — hoping maybe she will regret forsaking u the once & has reflected in the centuries since — she still makes no attempt to connect & dismisses u as something she cannot interfere w. reaching out in every way u know for her attention & it is still hopelessly out of reach . Everyone being hopelessly out of reach ....

being treated like an accessory to something else, a means to an end. internalizing worth measured by utility.. a blunt tool. abandon humanity because u were never human to begin with. and not-humans shouldnt cry, they dont feel, right and wrong don't exist for a knife or a wrench or a shovel. u can't hurt a knife or a wrench or a shovel. your anger, your sadness are useless and unfounded.

i think its just everhthing like the self loathing that festers frm beginning to end of these thought processes. (being born "wrong", rejection, the constant anxiety of a caregiver or person u care about growing to resent you for your Needs - getting frustrated or angry with u the moment ur more trouble to b around than not. that u will no longer be Worth it, worth putting up with).

hits every single theme i like from longing, being stripped from innocence/disillusionment, self hatred, trying to Think a different way because its just so incapacitating to feel so much. Like wanting to be loved so much it consumes every waking second of ur day, every minute of the day spent ruminating on what could possibly be wrong with you. What is the thing that makes it so hard for you to be loved unconditionally, where is that flaw to fix it. until ur mind twists itself into thinking you were never Meant to b loved like that in the first place. that u desire something that was never meant for u . & yet u still want it so so so much, so much so u want to become someThing else. throwing a fit crying shitting screaming for someone to love u that u try and defy the heavens to become a god so that maybe u'd be Worshipped because nothing else is working. overthrow the Divine & reshaping the universe into one where someone will tell u that u are good . proving to others that u can be worth it. proving to Yourself that u can be worth it.

but even in the end he is still the thing he doesnt want to be . pathetic &emotional & raw & sad & angry, everything he hates about himself. it reminds me of a depressive spiral, crying over ur worth and thinking "Whats the use in this ?" because it's the Doing of the very thing u hate about yourself. The part of u that is so selfish in Action. How u can be so useless & on top of it all, still wish for someone to put in the emotional labor to hold u & comfort you & tell u that u are not…

[nekkodiaries]

— knock me down. (teaser)

RELEASE: march 18, 2023.

AUTHOR'S NOTE: finally hard-launching the fic that i've been working for a few months now. hhhhh. i'm excited but also very insecure because a good quarter of this fic is written and i'm so ! anxious ! about my writing skills (as someone who knows they're bad at describing and bad at being literate in general. rip.) anyway. i hope you guys enjoy this fic like you did with cheating on you. if you want to be added to the taglist, just reply or send an ask.

reblogs are super appreciated! 🫶

after a tough day of contributing absolutely nothing to the greater good of society, jay decides to do what men like him choose to do to relieve stress: by playing a high-stress game.

what he wasn't expecting, though, was to get a snarky partner who would actually reciprocate his angry chats (as a result of his bad temper) and shit-talk him back. like what they're doing right now.

killstrike: wtf you should have covered me notursniper: yea well u shouldnt have been peeking. killstrike: ur ign fits u bc ur shit at sniping 😂😂 notursniper: i HAD him but ur big ass head was IN THE WAY now u got headshot boohoo 😛 killstrike: just stfu and come revive me

jay was pissed. there's no way he's losing this duo match. it's down to three teams and he can't risk losing more points for his rank when he's so close to reaching crown four, so he breathes in and out, trying his utmost best not to let the arrogant demeanor of his partner get on all of his nerves. notursniper heals him and fends off two players while he heals, leaving just one more team. 

you got this. you got this. jay internally chants before a barrage of shots echo from his phone's speaker. he's too busy to look for the enemy to notice his partner's been knocked down. the motherfucker's proning. the circle's getting smaller and jay's getting anxious over the constant request for healing when all of a sudden: 

better luck next time player killstrike! top 2/100.

"fuck!" jay shouts in frustration, watching the loading screen as the game demotes him from crown five to regular crown rank. "great. that's just great." in the heat of his frustration, jay adds notursniper just to be able to message them— and as soon as he sees them added to his "friends" list, jongseong taps his frustrations away. 

killstrike: its your fucking fault. now im just crown

notursniper: 🤨 ?

killstrike: well??? are you gonna admit your wrongs???

notursniper: 1, is this how u treat women lmao and 2, no i wont :p notursniper: maybe if you actually healed me then we wouldve ranked up notursniper: but ur too selfish and tried to shoot before attending to ur teammate notursniper: so i'd say that rank demotion is DESERVED ❤️

killstrike: man fuck u 😐

notursniper: sry there's a line for gamer boys who wanna bang. you gotta get in line babes 😘

was it possible to choke on air? because jay's convinced he choked on air when he read that. it doesn't help that his eyes immediately darted to the icon where her cuteness was radiating despite her hand and phone covering her entire face. he blames his temper for why he's feeling hot right now— definitely not because he got a visual of what could happen if he did choose to get in line. definitely not. never. no.

killstrike: ew

notursniper: hey u can block me if u want to lmao 🤣

impulsive by nature, jay taps a few times and gets so close to removing user notursniper as their pubg friend but he hums in thought. having a higher rank meant having more skilled enemies and he's never seemed to get past top 40 players without dying, so it was a miracle he got until the top 2 tonight. his teammate's shit-talking aside, he'd say they were actually really good. 

and again, real cute on her icon.

"what?" his own intrusive thoughts snaps him back to the real world, to see that she actually removed him as an in-game friend. what the fuck? in a span of panic, he tried to add them again. 

a few days pass by but alas, no response from her. jay does not know why he's itching to check on his phone every now and then. heeseung and sunghoon don't even want to question why he's been staring at phone with his brows furrowed for hours now.

it's only because they're a good player and they can help me rank up. that's it. 

soon enough, jay's routine has become waking up, going to school, and checking if user notursniper has accepted his request at every waking second of the day. the same goes for the following morning when jay anxiously opens the game again and finds one new message from a friend.

notursniper: hey loser. back for more?

masterlist. ┆ next.

summary: park jay lives life as a hot-headed gamer by day and.. well.. still a hot-headed gamer by night— except he secretly goes by the name killstrike. after losing a match, he finds himself trash-talking, his teammate notursniper, who happens to be the mysterious classmate he's been admiring for over a year and more.

taglist [open]: @yvnjin-s @wondering-out-loud @rikisly @babystrlla @shinrjj @homelycat

[sorry-mom-ive-sinned]

since we are hikakao posters brothers in arms i was curious to ask, a lot of scenarios for hikakao have kaoru fall in love first which makes sense, but what if it was hikaru? how do you think hikaru would act/do knowing he was in love with kaoru and would kaoru figure it out?

i like to entertaining the thought occasionally that even if kaoru were in love with hikaru also, he may try to turn his brother down because he knows it isn't a good thing for them to be together. it'd (probably) cause a lot of issues down the line and kaoru would probably feel like it would stunt hikaru's growth as a person, making him dependant on kaoru again...and to kaoru, that is a fate fuckin worse than death so he'd rather make himself (and by extension hikaru) miserable for this notion of "the greater good". but i ALSO like the idea of kaoru giving in and being "selfish" and accepting his brother's confession and furthering their relationship, but being guilt ridden and beating himself up for it later.

the fact i started this off asking about hikaru and it still became about kaoru....lmao

Okay so I definitely have a lot of throughts lol. Firstly, I like to think of Hikaru as not as oblivious as he may seem, especially not when it come to Kaoru. He doesnt understand/doesnt know how to deal with his own emotions, but he is like at least aware of them or that they exist. So if he fell in love first, I definitely think he'd hide it, and tbh hide it better than Kaoru would. Because I imagine Kaoru all in his head about it like "I can't bring my brother down with me I must try to hide this and preserve what we have I can't let these feelings show" all dramatic like which Hikaru would eventually figure out, while I imagine Hikaru is more "Huh. I'm in love with Kaoru, my brother. Probably shouldnt share this." then like. Just doesn't. I definitely don't see him having as much of an internal struggle about it and is able to act much more normally then Kaoru would.

Which is in part because I like to think that in Hikaru's mind, if they were like Together not much would change, so he thinks whats the point in causing unnecessary strife for Kaoru when he's fairly content with how things are. I think the main issue would be maybe more sexual feelings? But still I dont think he would have too much of an issue hiding those, since he's used to being physically close with Kaoru and is able to separate out his sexual feelings when its at inappropriate times. Wait actually I think the main issue would be genuinely deep signs of physical affection. I like to think Hikaru has a soft spot for hands, like he would want to just hold and fiddle with Kaoru's and stuff, and whenever Kaoru initiates hand holding in a genuine way he combusts a little lmao. And when Kaoru gets hurt ofc. Because he reacts in a way where he can barely contain himself with all his rampaging emotions, so I think in those moments is when it's the closest to being revealed, but Hikaru is too much of a mess to form coherent thoughts and words so it doesn't.

I don't think Kaoru would figure it out tbh, not only because I think Hikaru is fairly decent at hiding it (I say decent cause I think the host club would come to figure him out) but also because I like to think of Kaoru as a bit dense when it comes to things about himself too. Like even if he got an inkling, he'd be like "no theres no way why would you even think that about him" with a hidden "he wouldnt love me in that way i'm probably projecting".

And I completely agree with you about Kaoru either rejecting Hikaru if he confessed, or accepting "selfishly". They'd have a lot to work through whenever a confession happens. But tbh I like to think that any confession that happens is because of Kaoru's feelings. Either Kaoru himself tells him because hes bad at lying or its a heat of the moment type thing, or Hikaru picks up on it and confronts him about it. So as long as Kaoru is oblivious to his own feelings, nothing progresses on that front basically.

So lets say Hikaru has been pining since they joined the host club right (I chose this time because I like to think the more time they spend around others the more Hikaru comes to appreciate, crave, and love Kaoru's presence as someone he chooses to love, not just his identical twin thats his only companion) and Kaoru doesnt start realizing and having a crisis until their second year of highschool. I think on Hikaru's end he would notice Kaoru's feelings shortly after Kaoru himself does due to Kaoru not hiding things well (from Hikaru), then be conflicted if its right for Kaoru but trusts in the end that Kaoru will be honest if he talks about it with him (which he is wrong about, but he will be able to tell anyways because cmon they can read eachother like a book when their thinking clearly), and decides to give Kaoru some time to figure things out and come to terms with his feelings before he says anything.

Kaoru on the other hand realizes his feelings, then just "oh shit oh shit oh shit" and spirals. Thinking that Hikaru would never want this, he deserves better, as you said thinking it would make him dependent on him again and ruin all his growth. Ect. Not realizing that Hikaru realizes he loves him in this way Because of his growth and the more he grows rhe more he loves. But, Kaoru keep spiraling and then lowkey tries to push Hikaru away a bit. In a "it whats best for him" kinda way.

Then it all culminates with Hikaru confronting him like wtf why are you pushing me away. And they argue and Kaoru in the heat of the moment admits to his feelings, causing Hikaru to just. Lose it. Like hes yelling and laughing and pacing and rambling like "I cant believe it. You really think this? What is wrong with you, how could you ever think its best for me to be without you? You really haven't noticed? Its been years now of me being in love with you. And when I realized you felt the same way, because I picked up on it months ago by the way, I was so, so happy. I love you and you make me a better person. But if all I do is make you feel like this. Make you feel worse. Then maybe it wouldn't work out anyways." Like. Straight to the gut. Not really understanding that Kaoru is like mentally ill in ways Hikaru can't understand.

Then ofc Kaoru is like "You don't make me feel worse. You make me feel like I'm precious and like nothing else in the world matters more. And that fucking terrifys me. Because you deserve better than me holding you down. I want you to grow and be able to be happy without me. I feel like I tricked you into feeling like this. Its better that you become independent and find someone else thats better for you."

Then the response "Why do you think I would ever even want to be happy without you? Im not shackled by my feelings for you. You're not forcing or tricking me to do anything. You can't even trust me enough to know that I know my own emotions? I love you. I enjoy loving you. I choose to love you. I am my own person, and I have the autonomy to choose you. You can't decide for me whats best for me. Theres nothing you can do about how god damn much I care, and always have."

Then that leaving Kaoru in fucking shambles because that shatters literally everything his brain has been telling him for not just since he realized his feelings, but since he first discovered what guilt felt like.

I think things overall would probably go a bit smoother if Hikaru fell first tbh. Like it would one big confrontation putting everything out in the open, then slowly dealing with their issues to be better as partners from then on. Vs when Kaoru falls first I think of it as much more miscommunication takes place, because Kaoru is spiraling And Hikaru is confused, leading to more issues worked out over a long period of time, since Hikaru is too busy figuring out his own shit to correctly read Kaoru right away.

Anyways that became so long omg, I have so many thoughts on them rattling in my brain all the damn time. Tysm for the ask I love love love barfing up my thoughts about them. And especially this because i'm getting more and more interested in exploring Hikaru's side of it all, which I feel is a bit less.

[gameofsuperdead]

This is long, but I need to tell you this because I have noone else.  Noone else will understand and you are the most appropriate person to tell and I have to say it because when I sit alone with myself, my thoughts, it drowns me. I drown.

I hate myself.  I hate myself and I hate the prospect that I am going to be alone and lonely for the rest of whatever amount of life I have left. I genuinely do not understand why I can't have what seems to come so easily to so many other people but I also don't want to be the type of person that places any weight in who I am as a person, according to whether or not I am in a relationship - I hate that. 

I really felt very strongly that you were who I was going to spend the rest of my life with.  And when that didn't happen, it quite literally broke me.  It left me empty, hard, jaded.  I spent from 2019 to just over a week ago with another man that I was incapable of truly loving. I wasn't able to trust him, to open up to him, to rely on him, in any way.  And that relationship wasn't meant to last, he was a rebound. He was a way for me to try to stay away from you.  It was so nice in the beginning, because he said nice things.  That was literally it.  He just said nice things.  So I completely ignored all of the other red flags, things that I knew I was never going to be able to reconcile or come to terms with, but I still let him move in.  And I still chose to let him share my space with me and the boys.  And I never should have.  And because I did, it allowed that relationship to persist for much much longer than it should have.

But even after he finally left, I was sad.  I loved him like you love a person that has been in your life for 5 years, like another human being that you care for, but I wasn't in love with him.  I dont think I'm capable of that anymore.  But it still hurt after he was gone, even though I made him leave, I wanted him gone.  It made me sad.  Lonely.  Even more convinced that I'm not going to have what I want. Maybe if I could've loved him, could've trusted him, could've coddled him, he could've been better.  Been what I needed.  Not been so selfish, and immature, and entitled and wanted to learn how to be a father figure and have hopes and ambition and a desire to work towards things, to want and be better.  Or maybe he couldn't, because he was also damaged, or just a Narcissist. But I still internalize it and make it my fault.

Just like I internalize me and you, and make us my fault.  And everything that happened to the boys and everything that they continue to go through, spoils me.  Rots me. And its partly because I can't justify why as horrible as you became, I still loved you. Still have love for you.  And I cant make that make sense.  I still mourn for us, for what we could and should have been and should be.  And a normal person would've have moved on so fast and any time any memory of our time that may have crept up, it would've sent them into a rage with such a fire that it forged them into some new spectacular force of a human, a better most best version of themself and they never would have thought about you or us again and felt any sadness or remorse or loss.

But I'm not that person.  I stay sad.  And I stay longing. And I stay lost. And I shouldnt.  And it makes me feel like there is something terribly wrong with me.  Loving you makes me sad. And when I try to forget to love you, I try to remember all the awful things instead and use the fuel of how it affected the boys to burn all that love away. And sometimes it does.  But in the ash is always ALWAYS an ember that is more love than hate.  And it makes me feel like a terrible mother.  Just the worst.  And it makes me feel like I don't want to be in another relationship because it isnt us, and so I cant trust it because The One that was supposed to be My One, I couldn't trust and if I couldn't trust that, then I can't trust myself and if I can't trust myself then I can't trust anyone, or anything.  And then I circle back to just being me.  And I wish, I wish I could be happy with that.  I need to learn how to be happy with me and just me and not need the thing that I know I can't have.  Because I cant have you and I cant have us and I cant see any alternative.  I am irreparable.  And I'm trying not to be, but it is very very hard.

[teabiscs]

just thinking about gian x olivier.

like my past posted headcanon, but delving a little more into it. idk if anyone is gonna read this but like tw religion and internalized homophobia

gian realizing his feelings for olivier and them scaring him. one because its his teammate. and two, olivier is a not a woman. it goes against EVERYTHING he was brought up on. a relationship is between not a woman, these feelings are wrong. he wants these unnatural feelings GONE. and in his mind the easiest way is to leave.

so he dips off to north america bouncing around from city to city finding its less of a hassle to just chill in canada if he wants to get drunk, trying to drown out these feelings.

he flirts and hooks up with as many pretty woman as he can pull (because sex before marriage is less of a taboo than these feelings) and in the heat of the moment its fine. he could see himself like this, next to a beautiful woman, settling down and starting a family.

but once the afterglow fades, it all feels wrong. he's wondering if olivier snores and how he sleeps, what he sleeps in. if olivier's hair fans out around the pillow like the nameless body softly snoring next to him.

its a self destructive six months, and his liver hates him, (And one too many std scares. two pregnancy scares which is two too many when he's wearing protection.) and he hates himself. hates that he's still thinking of his green haired teammate back over the pond. he misses blading, but he left griffylon back in Italy. he knows he's missing out on events. he sees articles and replay videos on news sites. he exits out of them the minute he sees a flash of green hair.

his parents are pissed at him, his mother constantly scolding him that he's too old to be doing this. He has expectations of him, and he should be coming home, not doing this. And he better figure things out soon or theyre cutting him off, and he can figure things out on his own.,

so he tucks tail, way too soon, (because these feelings are persisting) and gets on a flight back home. he cant blame his parents, because he's sure theyve been tight lipped, but somehow his teammates are there grand entranceway, ralf and johnny look bored, and unimpressed when their eyes land on him.

at first gian feels disappointed that olivier is not there but then he emerges from behind the other two. and gian hates the way his heart pounds in his chest, the way his face feels hot. how the rest of his vision blurs and all he can see is olivier.

but once the surprise is done, he hates the way he feels. six months of running away, and thrusting his feelings into nameless woman and all it takes is one look.

same events as other post, but the hug from olivier has him feeling so conflicted. he can't stop playing back that moment and he hates it more and more and more. he shouldnt be having these feelings. he likes woman.

continuing with the other post. but more self loathing. and confusion, self discovery. delving into religion. self acceptance. he can have these feelings for a man. he's allowed to have feelings for olivier. but he refuses to ruin their friendship. he's so fine with their dynamic of following olivier around, even if it feels selfish and like he's taking advantage of olivier's kindness.

(even though olivier thinks their dating)

I like to think that Gian's mother knows there's something going on there but its not her place to ask. she just wants 3-5 grand children she's not picky. it's the 20th century and her only son's happiness is the most important thing to her. his father just wants his son to grow up (mostly because i can't mentally deal with this ship having more angst with homophobic parents. though that is something that could be explored by someone who is not me) [but also gian being so scared to tell his parents ANYTHING]

and honestly going forward its just shenanigans. of gian just falling more helplessly in love with olivier not realizing things are reciprocated, and olivier acting more and more affectionate and touchy.

and im running out of steam so. just follow the ohter post, and ill add more to it in another 15 months.

[sanctifiedtongues]

what makes it so frustrating is that i'll hear something that is very clearly echoed from those 'so your family member just came out as trans?' resources and it's something that i really dont agree with or something that is just a surface deep analysis of something much more complicated. but what am i supposed to say? 'yeah that thing you read that really helped you in your acceptance of me? its politics are dogshit' like no you sound fucking insane and it's not something easily discussed in casual conversation nor do they Want to discuss it necessarily.

and i struggle separating the personal from the political yeah yeah mostly bc i believe it's Not separate no part of the personal isnt political. but in the interest of keeping communication like. somewhat agreeable i keep myself from explicitly leading as political. shouldnt it be counted as personal to know how i view myself? how i view transness? every part of how i am socially constructed is another part of the political project surrounding transness, not all of it is what i have internalized but a not insignificant part of it is how they have internalized me.

there is somewhat of a selfish streak shot through this that i dont want to ignore but am unable to reflect in any great detail on. but this begins to veer into the realm of the acceptable ways to be a trans person and idk the limits of cis sympathy ive run out of steam by now im done

sorry this might sound insanely privileged and i know it is bc i have the privilege of having my gender identity and pronouns respected by many, many people in my life but like do you ever get frustrated by the fact that once accepting people in your life get past the 'let me get your name and pronouns right and respect your Life Choices' stage (which. dont get it twisted i am deeply aware of the fact that most people dont even do that much) theres never like. any delving done into actual trans history or yknow god forbid theory not even theory maybe just memoirs of trans people that dont happen to be in the mainstream. like i am certainly not Requiring my family members to read fucking judith butler as a prerequisite. but like. so fucking much of my understanding of my gender identity is built on foundational trans literature or even just how discourse was circulating around the time that i came out. and it's hard to explain how im feeling or express how im feeling without that as a basis. is that too niche is that too much of a niche am i making myself understood here

[namethatghostling]

nobody asked but one little thing i really like about psychonauts is like at its core its a story about seeing things from other peoples perspectives and about how a lot of times someone you think is your enemy just has their own stuff going on that prevents them from being able to empathize with your point of view. like almost every “enemy” you go up against in any of the games turns out to be someone who is hurting deeply and not necessarily a bad person, just a person acting according to their own internal motivations, which are inevitably gonna run counter to yours sometimes.

and then theres gristol malik.

gristol is the closest thing to the True Villain of the psychonauts games. all his motivations are selfish at best and wildly detached from reality at worst. he also has very little reason to act this way. he was just a spoiled rich kid who grew into a somewhat-less-rich spoiled adult who feels slighted for having lost what he was never entitled to. compared to the other antagonists you come across, its pretty much impossible to sympathize with him, which feels like a necessary honest statement about how even in a world where you can physically enter someones mind to help solve their problems, some people cant so easily be helped, often because their problems are self-invented.

the game also communicates all this without ever breaking away from its core message.

gristol is not a sympathetic character, and i dont think hes intended to be, but when you go into his mind you are still sort of forced to understand his perspective. his feelings may be born from extreme privilege, delusion, and a big dose of blind spite, but theyre real feelings. his actions truly are a manifestation of what he thinks is right and necessary. even after his plans go wrong he finds ways to justify his goals and blame his failures on other people, and after youve seen the warped way he views the world and his personal history, its pretty easy to understand why.

nothing about his backstory justifies his actions, but it does explain them. where his presence in the story couldve served as a contradiction to the idea of “an enemy is just a person with their own inner struggles you dont understand yet”, it instead reinforces it. gristol isnt a villain because hes just unrepentantly evil and beyond saving, hes a villain because hes become so wrapped up in his own narrative that hes unwilling or even unable to let himself be helped. he, like everyone, is capable of positive change, but he refuses to choose that change, which is an unfortunate reality as well as something that i think is really important in a game largely about helping people.

theres a big reoccurring motif in psychonauts 2, that seems to me almost like a response to some of the more simplistic ideas in 1, about how wanting to help someone shouldnt turn into trying to fix them. i just think its really interesting how that sorta theme manifests with regards to a character like gristol in addition to friends and allies.

[atticinthecafe]

Ok, apparently people wanted more of my Phantom Thief Leader Akechi Au so here I am!

Imma just ramble about Akechi because I care him so many

Akechi first persona in the AU was Robinhood. He though he was doing the right thing and thought he was going to be a hero, with time when he began to work for Shido and do darker work he became jaded and realised he's not a hero or even a good person anymore, and that's when Robinhood disappeared and Loki showed up

He doesn't like thinking about Robinhood, it reminds him too much of how he's no better than the man he hates at this rate. He just wants to get things over with at this point

This is why when he starts helping Ann, and by chance Ryuji and Morgana, and he starts feeling a familiar warmth in his chest he tries to ignore it and shrug it off

Akechi is so deep in his mindset that he cant be good, it's too late to try, and he doesnt even know where to start that he almost gets angry at himself for doing something that's by his standard good, and he gets angry when people treat him kindly, he doesn't see any of the good he has and what's pointed out to him he shrugs off as it just being people fooled by his acting, where many people ignore their bad in assuming they're right, he ignores his good in assuming he's wrong

it takes Ann sparing Kamoshida for something to click in him and him be able to reach Robinhood again, but he still ignores Robinhood for a while

Ann basically going "Dying would be the easy way out, live and suffer, but live and do better" makes Akechi feel like he's been selfish and worse than he thought by assuming he cant be good and assuming he's only bad

Like, Akechi thinks he's bad yeah, but starts to think he'd be worse if he knew he was bad and didn't try to change, than if he was bad and made and effort to do good

that said it isnt that easy, theres a lot of internal conflict with him struggling to figure out if he's letting himself off too easy, if he's being naive thinking he can make up for some things, etc

essentially hes not a good person, ends up being pretty morally grey for a while, but he's trying to be better. it doesn't relieve him of all the bad shit he did and does for a while, but he's making an effort to not follow that path anymore and that should be acknowledged, especially since you shouldnt punish people if they're starting to change to do better, dont punish good behavior for bad previous actions but still hold them accountable, bc as much as it sucks to not get closure or revenge it's more important to prevent bad behavior from continuing than to punish it

might yell about Akira next who knows

[first-only]

Previous anon here

I've also seen the 'taking care of yourself/your own happiness is selfish and bad' in activism/progressive spaces too. Actually, that comic you rb-ed about the guy buying a videogame and donating to charity, and then being 'called out' for not donating all the money, was the thing that made me send the original ask

But yes, you are right in saying that that mentality is also very prevalent in religious morality. (Makes you think doesn't it lol)

ironically, thats exactly how i meant it too. being socially or perceptually 'progressive' does not stop you from absorbing religious (or just generally controlling, chicken and egg on historically which leads to which) morality from context or culture. how many people these days, even those opposing capitalism, know that its literal roots is protestantism? think of all of the discussions about 'conservatism/puritanism with a gay hat'. - "i dont want to see gay sex bc sinful" and "i dont want to see gay sex bc what about queer kids" are the same statement. "white and black people shouldnt date bc of racial purity" and "white and black people shouldnt date bc power dynaimcs" are the same statement.

"woke" or social justice language has seeped so deeply into discourse that people are cloaking their every statement into it, theyre expressing their emotional baggage or inclinations with it. they've found a "progressive" way to state every personal beef they have with the world, and by doing this have made it very emotionally taxing to dispute them in good faith. if its easier to make an analogy with fandom on the fandom blog - antis think of themselves as progressive too, but they're parroting conservative rhetoric that they have absorbed, that makes them feel good, is intuitive, and they dress up their arguments in sj terms because that's what's marketable in their sphere. they probably even believe it's true - the same way some people genuinely believe in "selfishness" - but that doesnt change that the ideology itself is founded on conservationist, traditionalist, controlling beliefs.

i hate to bring up 'cultural [christianity/religion]' because that term has been twisted into nothing by social media, but this is what it actually means. even if youre not religious, the morals and the cultural background (ethics, interpersonal norms, rules for raising children) still seep into your understanding of the world just by Living In Society, by proximity, by your relationships with people who also live in that cultural environment (yes even if they themselves arent religious). opposing the norms, and sifting through them to find what actually is useful and makes sense, and what is "peer pressure by dead people" is a conscious effort. Identity alone cannot do that for you. Coming out, being queer, visiting counter-culture spaces can be a start but it is not automatic. The same way a lot of queer people have to unlearn homophobia (be it internalized or not), rooting out 'intuitive' (ie learned since childhood by socio proximity) beliefs and judgments of others is also a lot of work and involves challenging a lot of what you automatically think when faced with a problem or difference or deviance. (of course this doesnt apply only to religion per se, [some] americans and their 'what would the forefathers think' fall directly into this way of thinking. tho i might argue that's kind of pseudo-religious but thats a whole other discussion)

[jrueships]

Aries and leo (kyle and demar)

OKAY so this is gonna be a long one, im a leo but i have a lot of aries friends n people who im close to, after like 50 years of knowing me finally get told my bday n they're always like 'i thought you were an aries!' Idk why! So yea, long one!

Leos things are i guess they're like cats? They want your attention n if they don't get they, they will act like people they really aren't. Leos are HUGE actors. They loove actin the villain ESPECIALLY, or acting like they have inflated egos but not REALLY. They love pretending to be bigger than they really are (cough. Ja. Who's diseased with sun leo moon leo.) They HATE accountability for BAD things, they'll take the good things but stay away from any criticism. N i know bcs me using they instead of i to describe my own sign should be telling. People love to put out that leos are super cocky n prideful n they can SEEM to be, but it's really more internal than exterior. Leos just SHOW you exterior so they can SEEM exterior. You'll see a leo show off for his friends (WORST thing for a leo to do is SHOW OFF.. for someone. Because leos will turn into people they aren't all to impress the person they want attention from, they're that desperate), n think he's an annoying asshole! He doesnt have cognizance lol! But, in his head, 2 seconds after doin that he's actually zoned out thinking 'why the hell did i do that that's so embarrassing.'

You know??? Like it's EASY to put em in a box, but they HATE being put in a box. They're always MORE than what a person THINKS, they HAVE to be! That's their REAL pride, not a direct everything is about me, but similar. I know me personally.. i think the most selfish self-preserving thoughts ever. It's scary the lengths my mind will go to scenario me the only survivor of something. I HATE being in places I can't control because of it, like Rollercoasters (but i also love rollercoasters). The WORST and BEST thing a leo can do sometimes is get in their own head. Sometimes you can dig deep n realize that who you were yesterday SHOULDNT be you n it's NOT you n you gotta improve! Othertimes it's selfish thoughts that you don't think are selfish until 2 seconds later, which makes you hate yourself more because 'damn?? I was really ready to jump on that idea?? Wtf is wrong with me man!' LIKE! leos THINK, but they don't want others to THINK they THINK cus they want you to THINK they can do things without THINKING. namean? Like everything they do, they meant to. It's all gotta look entertaining but flawless to people.

N people reminding them they rlly aren't flawless can fly the wrong way. It's always personal, YOU sought out a problem in MY performance because YOU just hate MY jokes or MY shine. You don't ACTUALLY think it's terrible, you think I'M terrible. N that makes them realize everything was an act n that act wasn't even good. N that makes em think n a leo doesn't wanna think cus it CAN lead to progression, but it involves accountability and forced self change. Leos who always say 'oh im not LIKE other leos like im not the STEREOTYPE', you lowkey gotta watch out for. Cus yea, leos do get a stereotype but people gotta understand that it's just STRESSED. Those factors DO apply to leo, just not exactly in the way others perceive it to. A leo that recognizes that will be a leo who's still pretty prideful on the inside yeah, but will always TRY and improve. A leo will always try to be better than they once were. Fueled by pride because they always need a worse comparison, yeah, but when they reach a higher better level.. they ARE becoming better. THEY just gotta realize that even tho who they are now is better than who they once were.. it could be a low bar to beat. They COULDVE been really terrible, switched the flavor, n are now thinkin 'i don't gotta do anything. Im the best i can be now, definitely better than who i once was' n they stop THERE. it's easy for a leo to get stuck in the state of mind they think fits them. What a leo needs is to learn to realize n accept accountability n USE that pride into BETTERMENT.

I'm someone who doesn't take any criticism well because my first thoughts n reactions to it is 'you're disappointed. You hate me'. I have to MAKE myself step back n realize that's not the case. They're trying to actually HELP me. Not hate me. Even with school papers now, i have to look at the feedback, think out all the negative thoughts i instantly get from it, THEN come back like 'yeah this makes sense'

THATS where the aries leo connection comes in i think. People think they won't get along, aries and leo do things without thinking and that can lead to some hurtful or embarrassing stuff, but if they can both realize HOW bad they can get n are willing to try n improve from it, they can be a great duo. They have similar issues n similar solutions, moving on. Leos are quick to forgive themselves in a sense that they're forgiving their PRESENT self n hating the past. An aries can understand that because they work quick. Aries can be mean then flash into forgiveness. Leos and aries can hurt each other, realize they've hurt, and forgive each other as they move into a LARGER friendship FROM that. It seems weird to others, but it's just them! They GET it. They're both easily misinterpreted, and can bond from it.

Because a LOT of people can easily love an aries THEN hate them. An aries can be super sweet n funny, but for people who hold things for a long time with stagnant thought... they can hate them when an aries gets mad. Like my senior English teacher was an aries (zodiac girls in my class asked him), n whenever the previous class put him in a bad mood, he'd take it out on his honors class. Which isn't FAIR, but it's an aries. Aries gotta let stuff out. That's just how they operate. BUT because they gotta let things out, they can ALSO be super deep, direct, n SURPRISINGLY emotional. Lots of people just wrote my teacher off as a grump, but when he WAS happy, he was SUPER nice to us. Super sensitive to what we had to say, gave a big speech a lot about knowing we'd do well in whatever future lied ahead. Keeps in touch with his old students after they graduate. IT'S EASY to write them off as not sensitive, but they ARE. Just like it's easy to write off a leo for acting.

Aries can help a leo because they experience similar issues, but they NEVER act. They act on feelings, but they're FEELINGS. They don't care what they come off as, n i enjoy that a lot! THEY just need someone who's willing to wait it out whenever they're being an asshole. My teacher WAS a good teacher who DID like our class, but his attitude sometimes could just make a student hate him n that's it. Like.. idk. You CAN hate an aries, but you gotta learn you can love em as well. They're not ALWAYS gonna be like this, same as a leo. They both CHANGE. Not always for the better but they change n cus they share that, they can help each other thru the change

I think the beauty in an aries leo relationship is people thinkin they can be super toxic cus it makes sense. But they can a completely adverse direction and turn something terrible into something so beautiful cus THATS what they BOTH can do! Change !!