#it hurts so bad i miss her
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having good memories of my mom is all fun and games until the good memory passes and im left sobbing in the closest bathroom because of the all consuming grief
#personal#i love thinking about her and talking abt her#and i feel like i havent been able to bc ppl dont really respond well when i talk abt her#bc their own fears of parent desth &/or discomfort abt parents comes up#so I literally Cant unless its to other ppl w dead parents#and thats so limited so i end up not talking abt her#anyway im crying in the work bathroom for a bit bc i feel sick now#i haven't cried like this over her in months#it hurts so bad i miss her
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North and Simon: (shaking hands on killing Simon potentially)
#detroit become human#north wr400#simon pl600#markus rk200#josh pj500#jericho is just... so funny to me as like. how they function (or dont)#like im v glad that i did a Good Job my first run and no one hated me but i also felt like a very distraught parent#in regards to how markus is just able to either hurt them (by suggestions OF THE OTHERS IN THE GROUP)#or help them because hey what the fuck i just dragged simon to safety and now north wants me to kill him#and then simon like oh no north got shot you should leave her BUT ! i saved her and made simon happy#so its like you know what they have to have some animosity but also respect#i feel like i wanna see more of north and simon being buddies ... and i might have to do that myself#but i also apologize if this is ooc for them because i really did only just play through once and got a not good end#i probably missed a lot of lore and stuff so im v sorry if im Messing Them Up#its currently just me liking their designs and vibes and hoping im not ruining other fans lives by being wrong#and i honestly dont know when north would kill simon but hes on her possible victims list#so since both of their victim lists include themselves for suicide it just reminded me of the meme#with im so mad im gonna (remembers suicide jokes are bad for my mental health)#and it was like yeah watch north be like im gonna (well if i cant kill myself because markus said no suicide) murder someone
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big JAKT or big PANT ?
#jjba#jojo's bizarre adventure#vento aureo#golden wind#trish una#dnoodles#im NEVER drawing this many squares again. my arm hurts so bad#anyway. trish time#i missed drawing her <3
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someone hold me at gunpoint someone stop me from writing femslash OT3. we don't have this kinda time rn
#naked in manhattan by chappell has me feeling kindaaaaaaaaa :3c#idk i was permanently influenced by the blueberryash fic where mello is a dude but matt and near are girls and They Have History#i kinda wanna write a college AU where Mello comes back from a study abroad to find that Matt and Near are sort of an item#and she's SO hurt and upset and beside herself because how could Matt DO this to her. and then she finds out that they constantly talk#about how bad they miss her and want her to be part of their lil thing#and then mello gets doted on sooooo much <3#not writing it. i'm not. m/f piece needs to get finished and then anotherone needs tobe changed and then i have yaoi#to write and edit. BYE!
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YELLOWJACKETS | 2.06 “Qui”
#yellowjackets#yellowjacketsedit#nataliescatorccioedit#natalie scatorccio#mine#edit#*#scene*#MY LOVE#IT HURTTTTS IT HURTS SO MUCH MY POOR SCARRED BABY#all the awards to juliette for the sheer novel broadcasted across her face here and the 'maybe.' GOD. i'm having MASSIVE feelings#about nat starting to consider that her purpose - the thing that she misses so so desperately - was a BAD ONE#like?? can i get a fucking OOF#(sorry i became the gifmaker i didn't want to be but i needed these full size!!!)
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doodles/random shit ive done in the past couple days ,,
#MARZIAPPLE MOMENT god i missed them. me and the bad bitch i pulled by being the worlds most useless lesbian#need 2 change my sollux design i dont really like it anymore but i really miss her#also wow my homestuck ocs that i neglect…#lots of oc shit. scary#speaking of ocs i should redo my artfight stuff again that stuff is SO outdated it hurts to look at#oc x canon#oc#homestuck oc#sollux captor#marzipan#homestar runner#the mooninites#ouggh havent drawn them in a while#i miss them too#sweet bro#sbahj#roxie richter#jane crocker#evil bill and ted#doodles#sorry for not posting ive been… eh#also im with family atm so ive been busy !!! though also im just meh#i also did a bunch of panel edits i should post those too..
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also .. you know, thinkign about zelda in totk, considering she just lived throguh a crisis in botw, then makes a huge horrifying discovery and get yoinked into the past of this hyrule right after, in a world thats clearly the same but she knows no one, even if sonia and rauru are distant relatives, they are are still strangers like literally EVERYONE else around her shes lost all of her support system and everything she build up over the years between the games now AND the strangers are wielding incredible power she has never seen before AND are also in a crisis ... isnt kidna logical she'd just kinda .. tag along and do whatever shes told or try to be as inoffensive as she can, i know they mean everyone around her to be nice and helpful but it leaves me feelign a little uneasy still, do you really think she actually chose what she did or did she literally have not other choice-
ok im stopping here you heard enough rants from me :I
#ganondoodles talks#zelda#totk#literally tho#she really follows everyone around like a scared puppy#i jsut want to go into the intro and slap her hand away from that darn stone#baby you dont pick up random glowy stuff that fell from a coRPSE THATS SPILLING POISINOUS GOO EVERYWHERE#GIRL PLEASE#can you imagine raunning away isntead and then you play the game recvoering and reasearching how to deal with it-#im getting into rewriting everythign again#need to focus on other stuff#i just#the missed opportunites and lost potential is jsut .. hurting so bad
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Rowaelin Chapter 41 Kingdom of Ash:
She'd rebuild it—what she had been.
Perhaps one last time, perhaps only for a little while, but she'd do it. If only for Terrasen.
Rowan swooped from the mast, shifting as he reached her side at the rail. He surveyed the night-black sea beyond them. "You should rest." She slid him a glance. "I'm not tired." Not a lie, not in some regards. "Want to spar?" He frowned. "Training can start tomorrow."
"Or tonight." She held his piercing stare, matched his dominance with her own.
"It can wait a few hours, Aelin."
"Every day counts." Against Erawan, even a day of training would count.
Rowan's jaw tightened. "True," he said at last. "But it can still wait. There are ... there are things we need to discuss." The silent words rose in his animal-bright eyes. About you and me.
Her mouth went dry. But Aelin nodded In silence, they strode into their spacious quarters, its only decoration the wall of windows that overlooked the churning sea behind them. A far cry from a queen's chamber, or any she might have purchased as Adarlan's assassin.
At least the bed built into the wall looked clean enough, the sheets crisp and stainless. But Aelin headed for the oak desk anchored to the floor, and leaned against it while Rowan shut the door.
In the dim lantern light, they stared at each other.
She'd endured Maeve and Cairn; she'd endured Endovier and countless other horrors and losses. She could have this conversation with him. The first step toward rebuilding herself.
Aelin knew Rowan could hear her thundering heart as the space between them went taut. She swallowed once. "Elide and Lorcan told you... told you everything that was said on that beach."
A curt nod, wariness flooding his eyes. "Everything that Maeve said." Another nod.
She braced herself. "That I'm-we're mates."
Understanding and something like relief replaced that wariness. "Yes."
"I'm your mate," she said, needing to voice it. "And you are mine."
Rowan crossed the room, but halted a few feet from the desk on which she leaned. "What of it, Aelin?" His question was low, rough.
"Don't you..." She scrubbed at her face. "You know what she did to you, to ..." She couldn't say her name. Lyria. "Because of it."
"I do know."
"And?"
"And what do you wish me to say?"
She pushed off the desk. "I wish you to tell me how you feel about it. If…"
"If what?"
"If you wish it wasn't so."
His brows narrowed. "Why would I ever wish that?"
She shook her head, unable to answer, and stared over her shoulder toward the sea.
It seemed like he would close the distance between them, but he remained where he was.
"Aelin." His voice turned hoarse. "Aelin."
She looked at him then, at the pain in his words.
"Do you know what I wish?" He exposed his palms, one tattooed, the other unmarked. "I wish that you had told me. When you realized it. I wish you had told me then."
She swallowed against the ache in her throat. "I didn't want to hurt you."
"Why would it ever hurt me to know the truth that was already in my heart? The truth I hoped for?"
"I didn't understand it. I didn't understand how it was possible. I thought maybe ... maybe you might be able to have two mates within a lifetime, but even then, I just ….." She blew out a breath. "I didn't want you to be distressed." His eyes softened. "Do I regret that Lyria was dragged into this, that the cost of Maeve's game was her life, and the life of the child we might have had? Yes. I regret that, and I wish it had never happened." He would bear the tattoo to remember it for the rest of his days. "But none of that was your fault. I will always carry some of the burden of it, always know I chose to leave her for war and glory, and that I played right into Maeve's hands."
"Maeve wanted to ensnare you to get to me, though."
"Then it is her choice, not yours."
Aelin ran a hand over the worn wood of the desk. "In those illusions she spun for me, she showed me variations on one more than all the others." The words were strained, but she forced them out. Forced herself to look at him. "She spun me one dreamscape that felt so real I could smell the wind off the Staghorns."
"What did she show you?" A breathless question.
Aelin had to swallow before she could answer. "She showed me what might have been—if there had been no Erawan, if Elena had dealt with him properly and banished him. If there had been no Lyria, none of that pain or despair you endured. She showed me Terrasen as it would have been today, with my father as king, and my childhood happy, and..." Her lips wobbled. "When I turned twenty, you came with a delegation of Fae to Terrasen, to make amends for the rift between my mother and Maeve. And you and I took one look at each other in my father's throne room, and we knew."
She didn't fight the stinging in her eyes. "I wanted to believe that was the true world. That this was the nightmare from which I'd awaken. I wanted to believe that there was a place where you and I had never known this suffering and loss, where we'd take one look at each other and know we were mates. Maeve told me she could make it so. If I gave her the keys, she'd make it all possible." She wiped at her cheek, at the tear that escaped down it. "She spun me realities where you were dead, where you'd been killed by Erawan and only in handing over the keys to her would I be able to avenge you. But those realities made me ... I stopped being useful to her when she told me you were gone. She couldn't get me to talk, to think. Yet in the ones where you and I met, where things were as they should have been ... that was when I came the closest."
His swallow was audible. "What stopped you?"
She wiped at her face again. "The male I fell in love with was you. It was you, who knew pain as I did, and who walked with me through it, back to the light. Maeve didn't understand that. That even if she could create that perfect world, it wouldn't be you with me. And I'd never trade that, trade this. Not for anything." He extended his hand. An offer and invitation.
Aelin laid hers atop his, and his callused fingers squeezed gently. "I wanted it to be you," he breathed, closing his eyes. "For months and months, even in Wendlyn, I wondered why you weren't my mate instead. It tore me up, wondering it, but I still did." He opened his eyes, and they burned like green fire. "All this time, I wanted it to be you."
She lowered her gaze, but he hooked a thumb and forefinger around her chin and lifted her face.
"I know you are tired, Fireheart. I know that the burden on your shoulders is more than anyone should endure." He took their joined hands and laid them on his heart. "But we'll face this together. Erawan, the Lock, all of it.
"We'll face it together. And when we are done, when you Settle, we will have a thousand years together. Longer."
A small sound came out of her. "Elena said the Lock requires—"
"We'll face it together," he swore again.
"And if the cost of it truly is you, then we'll pay it together. As one soul in two bodies.
Her heart strained to the point of cleaving. "Terrasen needs a king."
"I have no intention of ruling Terrasen without you. Aedion can have the job."
She scanned his face. He meant every word He brushed the hair from her face, his other hand still clasping hers to his chest, where his heart pounded a steady, unfaltering rhythm.
"Even if I had my choice of any dream-realities, any perfect illusions, I would still choose you, too."
She felt the truth of his words echo into the unbreakable thing that bound their very souls, and tilted her face up toward his. But he made no move beyond it.
She frowned. "Why aren't you kissing me?"
"I thought you might want to be asked first."
"That never stopped you before."
"This first time, I wanted to make sure you were ... ready." After Cairn and Maeve. After months of having no choices whatsoever.
She smiled despite that truth. "I'm ready to be kissed again, Prince."
He let out a dark chuckle and muttered, "Thank the gods," before he lowered his mouth to hers.
"You're my mate." Her words were a breathless rush. "And I am yours."
The world might have been burning around them for all she cared, all he cared, too.
"Together, Aelin," he promised, and she heard the rest of the words in every place their bodies joined. Together they would face this, together they would find a way.
Together we'll find a way, their mingling breaths, the crashing sea, seemed to echo.
Together.
#Chapter 41#Kingdom of Ash#Sarah J. Maas#Aelin Galathynius#Rowan Whitethorn#Rowaelin#soulmates#mates#spoilers and notes in tags cause this chapter and also spoilers in post cause this chapter first read react with me read along#Rowaelin chapters scenes moments quotes#they want to make it possible bring that love to light#am I allowed to cry? — Again the word endured — finally the dream — the sand she still sees — he’s magic being steady — them talking time#again if Maeve could convince Rowan Lyria was his mate how bad was it when she convinced Aelin her actual mate was dead… this hurts me…#the fact Aelin stopped being useful because it destroyed her beyond belief but the dreams the dreams almost got her because its all she wan#again then both feeling sorry and the other not realizing and then consent and then comfort and love & I just wanted it2be U how could I no#I know you are tired Fireheart (ALL THE TROPES IN ONE LINE… UGH I MISSED THIS SHIP)#together. one soul in two bodies. their endgame like literally they are. I’d choose you too. even the apologies that were needed just heali#what it might have once been — together — not alone — not returning alone — the king and queen of Terrasen — I need u more — 2 whatever end#Aelin watched the boat until it disappeared trying not to stare too long at the clean unstained sand beneath her boots#always north — she didn’t care she just wanted far away — who knew — what she knew-the letters she sent-Valg-dark blood that had turned red#If it had been another dreamscape or some fragment that had blended into the very real memory of Connall's death. — always a plab&theory#all these things to deal with later-she’d rebuild all she had been-her match helper mirror-matched his piercing stare with her own-wait/res#A far cry from a queen's chamber or any she might have purchased as Adarlan's assassin. — how far we’ve come-she had ENDURED she can do it#I'm your mate she said needing to voice it. And you are mine. — Lyria. — I do know. and?&what do you wish me to say?-this was perfect#If what? If you wish it wasn't so. His brows narrowed. Why would I ever wish that? — Aelin. she looked at him at the pain in his words#the way it's changed since Mistward... and grown... even in names like Whitethorn Galathynius together — the brain thoughts are back —#The kiss was gentle-light. Letting her decide how to guide it. So she did. — he’d do it all night if that was what’s he wished#Together we'll find a way their mingling breaths the crashing sea seemed to echo. Together. — mountains and oceans#Might’ve been before-thought snapped-the bond- u r my mate&I am urs-the world might have been burning for all she cared all he cared too#Together they would face this together they would find a way. — claiming him as he claimed her — a scar a marker a tattoo
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sorry i can't stop making everything about grief it is inherent to love
#my friend blocked me today. i've known her since i was 15. i don't know what i did to upset her#she told me she loved me before she did.#i miss her. i have missed her. i will miss her. i miss everyone i know#and it is difficult. i think i might go and cry about it#but despite that i don't regret being friends with her even though it hurts now#i had a chance to love and i did so. and that doesn't mean the love was bad#if we have the chance to love i think we must seize it with both hands#to love is to be human. to love is to be changed. we are made of love and everything we form is made of love#i think to love is the best thing you can do at any point#and grief is okay. i have grieved so much in my life and i will continue to do so. and that is okay because it means i still love#anyway. i love you
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Let’s see here- an abusive, narcissistic prick who manipulates women and has a clear red raging bull design but the fandom calls him a “fucken goatman” regardless?
At the very least Adam was so homophobic that, in a roundabout way, he became the number one Bumbleby truther (“I will make it my mission to destroy everything you love, starting with her”, “WHAT DOES SHE EVEN SEE IN YOU?!”, etc etc), the fuck does Montyass got going fer him???
#also blake and ada are both bisexuals wh got manipulated and hurt by these two respective dipshits but ada got NOTHING on miss bellabooty#ada girl please i understand this is a realistic deciption of someone suck in a cycle of abuse#that as a victim of hostility you are drawn to all that u know and willing to take in any scrap of positive attention u can no matrer how fa#-fake whoops tag limit#BUT GIRLY PLEASE GET UP GET UPPP U CAN DO SO MUCH BETTER LIKE#LIKE YEAH I UNDERSTAND WHERE UR COMING FROM AND HOW U JUST HAD A HUGE MENTAL BREAKDOWN#AND HOW ANNABEL MADE IT WORSE BUT SAYING NO ONE IS GONNA TAKE U SERIOUSLY AND MONTYASS CAPITALIZED ON THIS#BY SEEMINGLY TAKING U SERIOUSLY AND NOW UR UNDER HIS SPELL#BUT HOLY FUCK!!! ARE U MAKING BAD CHOICES RN!!!#meanwhile Blake’s arc of growth past her trauma of domestic abuse and learning to trust others and love herself#the chef’s arent kissing bro this is cHEF’s W E D D I N G#rwby#bumbleby#blake belladonna#nevermore webtoon#ada nevermore#no i wont tag the ship name fuck that noise stay out stay out sTAY OUTTTT‼️‼️‼️
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I have an idea for a sort of silly light novel writing project I'll probably never actually write but is fun to just think about
But like. Cultivator set up, wuxia world w a slight blending of different cultivation genres, a guy wakes up in a forest with amnesia. (Wow classic I know)
So the first few chapters he's hearing about all these big famous people who have gone missing over the years, right? And he (along with probably the reader) is like, "Heh. That could be me,,," (smugly)
But the names keep piling on, and he comes to a realization: important and unimportant cultivators alike go missing and lose their memories or whatever else at an alarming rate. He is not special. (Coughs up blood)
He probably runs into other amnesiacs more than once, and I'd have a running theme of like, he keeps bumping into main character coded characters just left and right. There's so much happening in this world, so many stories being told, he's really not special. But also he is bc hes our main character
But just like silly mostly self contained stories told from this guy just wandering around this absoloute cluster fuck of a world, often running head first into really interesting stories that are clearly like in the middle of a 5 arc novel their own
It'd probably gain a real central narrative along the way like all things inevitably do (the mystery of how he lost his memories and the fall out of what happens when he learns the truth) but for now I have fun just thinking ab his dumb adventures
As for the character himself, hes is like, obnoxiously laid back. SUPER chill, takes everything with a sigh and a smile, very lazy, takes a lot of shortcuts and goes "Ah but that's fine, right?" As everything explodes around him. If he's alive, then all is well in the world 👍
He'd cause so many problems just because and also probably have absolutely shit luck that gets him into even more problems (my favorite genre of character)
I also have like. A slowly but surley growing list of characters he'd run into like uhh [checks notes] evil lesbian mirror demon and the very angry woman she trapped in a mirror and stole the face and life of (the demon hate sex goes crazy).
And also ofc, "person trapped in a cycle of reincarnation with a curse that no matter how hard they try to be good, they will inevitably cause some great destruction or evil or plague of some kind." And just them very very desperately trying to be good even though they know it's futile
Yay!! Fun stuff
#I have so much more shit for this actually but most of it is just giant spoilers for if I ever decide to write this fr#but like . placing this on the sacrificial alter#I really like what I have lined up for the reason of how he lost his memories actually its really fun#theres also just so many red herrings for what might have happened which is also fun bc it could be *literally anything*#in a world of magic and demons and immortal cultivators there are so many lost prince amnesiacs wandering around#who's to say if our mc is one or not#or if hes even important at all honestly#he wants to be someone cool sooo bad its a running joke#every time he hears ab some ancient cultivator or royalty or doctor who went missing he kinda perks up like#ooohhh what if thats me :DD#never is#someone gets hurt and hes going “oh let me!! Maybe I was a doctor! This is the perfect time to see if the muscle memory kicks in :)”#the muscle memory does not kick in.#he probably gets scammed more than once by people claiming to know/have known him#like think those “hi its ur friend from highschool/ur distant uncle and I need to borrow money” type scams#but every time he has to stop and go “oh shit fr??” bc what if .#birds rambles#birds ocs#birds writing#writing#amnesiac fox#lore#wuxia
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i can almost guarantee ive said it before but. he would thrive in a zero escape game
#an octopath ze au would be kinda fun actually.. especially the octo2 party#would love to see these guys in an escape room . it would be so awful#temenos would fit in perfectly and might even make a good mc given his 'truth lies in the flame' segments..#i could see partitio doing well bc of his creativity and general demeanor#osvald is great at math but idk how trusting hed be of everyone in this situation.. especially if they assume zero is one of them early on#throné . girlie im so sorry#i think shed do fine for the most part (hard to say how much her thieving skills would be of help here) but she did not deserve this </3#do not let ochette into any pantry or food storage room. i dont trust any of that food#i wonder if shed have her partner(s) here tho.. how do u handle an owl and/or jackal in this situation..#she would be great for morale tho#same for agnea tho i worry for her emotional state a lil bit . help her#who am i missing .. CASTTI#shes good at managing stress (both hers and others) in awful situations . thank god#and shes there if anyone gets hurt 👍#not that its likely outside of bad end situations ? tho i may be thinking of the 999 map too much..#would it be more fun to use that as the setting or something else altogether.. more modern or more like octopath 2..#how the fuck would someone even make an escape room in . what is it like the industrial revolution. steam era#would it make sense to be able to use magic in universe to pull off something similar..#the canonicity of some ingame mechanics is dubious so its hard to tell how malleable magics uses and effects are..#itd probably be easier to place everyone in a modern setting but i have no idea what some of them would be that way#.. modern fantasy setting ??????#what if they had smartphones in octopath. would that be fucked up or what#also who the hell would be zero . would anyone be in kahoots w zero.. or at least Know Things but be unable to say smth abt it#i straight up forgot to mention hikari earlier but hes prolly like. fine#his intrusive thpughts would probably Suck Bad here but hed want everyone to get out alive as much as everyone else combined#wait who would even be the 9th person. would it be zero. but who..#if it were octo1 id say kit but its harder to get a good octo2 equivalent of him.. hm..#oh god im out of tags . tho what would the game style be like.. nonary game ab game etc etc.. what would be unique but fitting..#am i gonna look into actual scientific theories for this . and how would the morphogenetic field come into play.. and Why..#octotag
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Hhhhhhhhhhh her.......
#i miss her so much#tw eyestrain#my eyes hurt so bad at the end of rendering but omg it was so worth it#bungou stray dogs#bsd#bsd yosano#my art#bungo stray dogs#yosano#yosano akiko#bsd yosano akiko#fan art#art
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today was my first christmas without my aunt. today was my first christmas i’ve ever woken up alone. why does grief have to feel so hollow and so heavy at once.
#ooc. o kaptain.#[I cant stop thinking about how last year was the last christmas we would ever have together. it keeps hitting me. I’ve tried my best never#ever to take a moment for granted but this hurts more than I can explain. this has been the worst year of my life. I’m absolutely shattered.#last year I was thinking about how lucky I was to still live with my parent. last year I was literally just appreciating the fact that I#even had the opportunity. I miss her so much it’s immeasurable. I would take back anything if I could. any fucking thing. I would use the#talk to me hand and I can say that without hesitation. judge me for it. I’m gonna go write because i have to do… something.#can’t believe I’ve been sick for like three days. today just… didn’t matter. not because I didn’t want it to. but largely because I didn’t#even have the energy to be present and I’m ALSO horribly congested. and like… who cares? I’m an abstraction of a concept. I’m gonna make a#bad decision and go play marvel rivals while I write shit on mobile. I’m physically completely exhausted and I actually can’t explain where#my head is at. which means I’m just gonna play iron fist like all the way thru.]#death /#family death /#parental death /#CLAWS RETRACTED.
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what if strangers by ethel cain is bucky's song :/
#buckbucky#clegan#love hurting my own feelings. i need to make an edit to it#american teenager is also so painfully mota. casings is so john too man idk so many of her songs fit her music hurts so bad#also this song has fuelled so many of the ideas i have for john's pov of the dog coded bucky fic whoops#anyway. don't think of the last two verses being post war john's last letter to gale before he does something stupid.#and don't think about how all gale would have left is the lucky deuce and the polaroid of the two of them that john attaches to the letter#and maybe the sheepskin jacket he hates so much to hold close when he's trying to sleep at night missing the man he loved#too little too late. maybe in another life. “i wish you were a girl”. yk the vibes. ok sorry broke my no angst posting streak xx#johnslittlespoon musicrot
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