#it healed me a little but it also makes me cry

[pit-and-the-pen]

Please go to sleep.

Summary: your mate forces you to stop working and take some time for yourself.

Wc: 1k (short and sweet)

Written for this request: Hey, Could you do prompt no.94 for Azriel?❤️✨

Also hi, I’m alive. Just getting my butt kicked by a very busy work schedule right now. Sorry this is so short but work is slowing down again so I’ll actually have more time to write. Also I wrote this on my phone.

I sat up at the desk, the words in front of me swimming as I forced my eyes to focus on them. Hands still stained blue from the last pot of ink I had clumsily knocked over with my sleeve. I just had to get this recipe written down. The healing potion that neutralized faebane, the one thing I had been working on for months. I needed to get this test run written down because it was the closest I had been to figuring it out. I knew it was right in my grasp and I could sleep once I was done.

At the thought of sleep, I could feel my eyes growing heavier. My traitorous body demanded I crawl into my soft bed that would smell like my mate. I shook my head again, like I could displace the need. It worked for a second, a deep breath left me as I struggled to recall just how much bittergreen I added to this batch.

The creek of the door had my eyes flickering up slowly before I pulled my focus back to the book in front of me. I fought back a sigh as shadows swirled around my wrists attempting to pull me up.

“You should be in bed, sweetheart.” Azriel’s voice carried from the door.

“I will in a little bit.” Was all I responded with.

“It’s three in the morning. You woke up early to start working and I know you didn’t take a break to eat dinner.” He huffed, his shadows wrapping tighter around my arms to drive home is irritation. A wave of shock went through me at his words. Had I really been at this for that long?

“I didn’t realize…”

“You’re half asleep right now. This will still be here in the morning.” I didn’t hear him walk behind me. His hand ran lightly down my neck and over my shoulders and I couldn’t fight the urge to lean back into him. His hand went to my hair, strong fingers rubbing the tension around my temples. The careful attention made my sleepy eyes burn as I tried to blink them open.

“Az, I need to-“

“No. You need to sleep. I’ll help you with this tomorrow. After you’ve gotten enough sleep.”

I didn’t want to fight with him over this. It was like he could feel his victory. “Plus, you’re not going to be able to read that anyways.” He looked over my head at the book in front of me. I followed his eyes and saw the illegible chicken scratch my handwriting had devolved into. I fought the urge to cry as I noticed the hours of hard work I had wasted.

Azriel held out his hand and with a defeated groan, I took it. When I stood up my legs screamed in protest. Not noticing how heavy my body suddenly was. I tried to take a step and would have collapsed into a pile if it wasn’t for my mates strong arms holding me to him.

He didn’t waste a second in sweeping my body off the floor and into his arms. His shadows swirling around me, clearly concerned for me.

I closed my eyes as I nestled further into his chest. Breathing in his comforting scent as he carried us to our room. I think I fell asleep before he could put me down or maybe I lasted a little longer than that but I barley felt the warm blankets before sleep overtook me for good.

I woke up the next morning burning up. Azriel was fully laid on top of me. Still sound asleep. I wiggled slightly, trying to sneak out from underneath the furnace that was Azriel when he slept. A small huff left his lips as he wrapped and arm around my waist. I waiting for him to wake up but he still seemed to be out for the count. I sighed and decided to close my eyes again. Realizing I had no chance in moving him.

When I woke for the second time, I was noticeably cooler. Azriel was laying across from me, fingers tracing small patterns along my bare stomach. His soft touch immediately making goosebumps rise in their wake.

“Good morning.” He said as I rolled over to face him. I smiled and moved over until my face was against his chest.

“Good morning. Care to tell me why I’m not wearing any night clothes?”

“Well someone wouldn’t let me put them down long enough to get them on. But I had to get your corset off of you at least.” His eyes twinkled with a hint of mischief and I couldn’t help but laugh.

“I’m sure you tried very hard.” He chuckled and continued his earlier patterns along my skin. “Thank you.” I said, moving closer to press a small kiss to his lips.”

“You don’t have to thank me. I know we would both work ourselves to death if the other didn’t stop it.”

“You’re not wrong.” I gave him another, longer, kiss. His hands paused to wrap around my waist.

“I just want to see you happy.”

“And naked.” I finished for him. He shrugged and gave me a boyish smile that made me want to do anything but get up. I kicked my leg free of the thick blanket and wrapped it around his waist.

“Well I know what would make me extremely happy…”

The thought trailed off as he pulled me closer to him. His hands and lips tracing all thoughts of work far away.

[mukuberry]

The constant references to Otome Dissection are really interesting. Otome Dissection is about a suicidal girl who uses her connection to another person as her life line, constantly clinging to them and depending on them until they're drained and she goes too far and ends up dying. Which fits for Monitoring Miku, right? We don't know enough about her life to say she's suicidal but her entire existence is focused on the person she loves- except the song doesn't compare her to Otome Dissection, but instead the person she loves. She wants to "save (their) dissected heart".

At first, this doesn't seem to make much sense, right? This person, who I'll called "Monitored" for convenience, wants nothing to do with her- atleast until the end. But when you start picking apart Otome Dissection's lyrics more, the way Miku views their 'relationship' starts making more sense.

All throughout Monitoring, Miku showers Monitored in praise and comfort, telling them to just show her everything they want to hide, show all their pain so she can accept and heal it. In Otome Dissection, our protagonist is hesitant to fully rely on her lover, stuck inbetween wanting to pour everything on them and wanting to hide away from them. "Both of us with our masks on, we flirted" "Yeah, there's a kid there, lost in anything and everything, shedding tears, meowing 'SOS' with their eyes only halfway open" "I don't want to go so far as to share all the things that cause me pain, I just want to run away from this love" "'I don't want to live' is what I should've said, will I ever find peace?" This helps make Miku's perspective in Monitoring alot clearer- she's not just trying to break Monitored's will down so they let her in, she's genuinely convinced they secretly want her, and is simply putting on a mask of not wanting to let her in, very literally hiding how they really feel behind the door, and she just needs to convince them to let her in. They're 'purposely' "sprinkling spices" on the two of them, and it's Miku's job to "lick away (the) spices".

In some way, she's not completely wrong. We hear Miku call Monitored constantly through the song, and since she's talking to the door while she does this, I imagine its more of some way to check they're actually there listening to her rather than wanting them to pick up. Based on the vibrating sound, she's calling their cellphone rather than landline, and she only seems to have the one phone, so why don't they ever block her? Why don't they ever do anything to get rid of her? Why do they go and listen to her everytime? Unfortunately for Miku, it's not because they're super secretly in love with her and playing a game, but as Miku makes very clear in the song, Monitored is extremely lonely. They obviously don't want to be stalked and harassed, it's clearly having a negative affect on their mental state, their vision distorting whenever Miku is around- I doubt they're literally hallucinating but rather just feeling like they're going insane from the constant monitoring. We see their vision clear up and go back to normal when Miku lets up a little at the bridge, only for the visual distortions to reach their peak when she comes back full force. When Monitored eventually gives up and lets her in, their vision is normal again, as if they've just accepted her constant presence in their life as normal. Giving up is easier than resisting someone who has no intention of stopping, and Monitored is someone usually who spends everyday alone, having no one to share their hobbies with, staying up all night until eventually crying themselves to sleep- they're unable to completely shut out the only person who gives them any sort of love and attention. Miku is very much aware of this, and this is what she preys on to break them down.

It also adds a sense of urgency to Miku's harassment. Monitored's mental health was already bad before all the stalking due to the isolation they deal with, and Otome Dissection ends with the person she loves too drained to help her anymore, leading in her death. If Miku doesn't 'save' Monitored from themselves, she's convinced the worst could happen. Her harassment starts sexual but quickly turns into overbearing comfort, trying to convince them to just lean entirely on her instead of suffering alone. We see at the bridge she stops her constant conversations with Monitored, still waiting outside the door but for much shorter amounts of time. In Otome Dissection's words, she starts to grow "cold", having the "burning passion" pulled out of her. Since she's the one connecting her love to the song, she probably realises what's happening and that's why she goes back to harassing them even more intensely than she did before. In her eyes, she's keeping them alive, showing them that she'll always be there for them. In Monitored's eyes, she's showing them that there's no escape, that any moment of peace and sign of relenting won't last long. Eventually, Monitored is broken down and Miku gets to finally be her idol's savior.

Stream Monitoring 👁👍

[a-funeral-pyre]

Thank you @enjoyerofstories !

Last song: Jar of hearts by Christina Perri

Currently watching: still going through that Lupin III: part 2 rewatch. In my defense I watch three episodes a month.

Three ships: well...

Faramir/Éowyn (LOTR): the sweetest, most heartwarming love story in fantasy literature. The whole "learning to heal together" thing is so beautiful, and their kiss scene is one of my favourite parts of the books.

Swisgaar/Toki (Metalocalypse): they bicker like an old married couple from the first episode onwards and I love it. Their relationship is much deeper than they show, and the few moments where it becomes apparent how much they care about each other make them as cute as destructive metalheads can be.

Eretria/Lyria (The Shannara Chronicles): one of the few changes from the book that I actually liked. I love starcrossed lovers, and both characters are strong in their own ways and complement each other perfectly. Also, the novels need more bisexuality.

Favourite colour: green and blue

Currently consuming: my fifth cup of rasoterra tea today

First ship: oooh who knows. Perhaps Aurora and Phillip in Sleeping Beauty, first time I remember being in love with a couple

Last movie: The boy and the heron. It made me cry. 10/10

Currently working on: two of my original wips (The Guardian's command and Secrets of Lunyan book 1), Pages of darkness, song of light, my two Arthurian wips, a Little Mermaid fanfiction, a Warrior Cats fanfiction, and a 45-pages-long splatterpunk piece

Tagging: @severalpossiblemusiks @hawthorn-crow @sour-cr3am @lightineventide @sunsetroseart @arkan1126 @a-possum-bandit @faelanvance @gwalch-mei @armenelols

Tag game: tag nine people you’d like to know better.

Tagged by: @oneshoulderangel

Last song: At the moment, I have "Losing Your Memory" by Alan Star stuck in my head, which I suppose makes it my current song, not my last song. Hm. I get songs stuck in my head very easily, but the last one I had there for a significant amount of time was a mashup of different language versions of "Les Rois du Monde" for about a week. "Lehetsz Király", the Magyar version, is probably my favorite of them. It's worth a listen.

Currently watching: Normally, the answer would be "random mostly terrible old movies/shows" or "nothing much", but I currently have a hyperfixation on the musical Roméo et Juliette and have been watching it in multiple languages. (Thus, the song).

Three ships: This is hard. Maybe as a result of being on the ace and aro spectrums, I'm more likely to care about which characters are interacting than whether it's romantic or platonic. Here goes:

Kedivere/Bedikay. It can be romantic, platonic, or queerplatonic, but whichever way, I'm here for it. I probably spend too much time thinking about how in Cullwch and Olwen, when Cai gets mad at Arthur and marches out, Bedwyr stays behind, keeps acting like nothing's happened, and isn't the one to avenge Cai's death. The feeling of betrayal on both sides has a lot of unexplored potential. And the version where Bedivere dies and Kay fights to bring his body back safely while mortally wounded himself... And the version where Bedivere survives Camlann and Kay isn't said to fight in it, so they might be left together after their world has fallen apart...

Platonically or queerplatonically, Galahad and the Grail Heroine. I really like the tragic Grail Quest friendships, but I like theirs most, maybe because there's something weird and otherworldly about them both. I like it when characters are strange and endearing and doomed by the narrative.

Ever since reading John Matthews' retelling, which I read before the original, I've had a soft spot for Caradoc and Guinier. The Story of Caradoc is very disturbing, and I have some major qualms with Caradoc over a detail Matthews cut out, but all the same, there's a reason these two have the best track record with magical fidelity tests. Each of them would go to the ends of the earth for the other, and together, they're stronger than any curse.

Favorite Color: Blue, particularly royal blue and some teals.

Currently consuming: Black licorice with chocolate.

First ship: This is a hard one, since through elementary and most of middle school, I tended to go along with whatever I thought the author's intentions were and was more likely to unship something. The first non-endgame ship I got invested in was Sonya/Nikolai in War and Peace. I didn't like Nikolai, but Sonya did, and she was my favorite character, so I wanted her to be happy. The first non-canon couple I thought was meant to be together was also in War and Peace: Marya Bolkonskaya and Julie Karagina. My eighth grade self did not think their letters could be interpreted platonically. I still don't.

Last movie: If the musical doesn't count, the last movie I watched was Quest for Camelot, which was awful. Though not Robot Monster-level bad, Robot Monster has an elegance to its simplicity which Quest for Camelot lacks.

Currently working on: Various fics, most of them Arthuriana or CotRK-related (I am woefully behind on the Badfic Bingo), and (theoretically) an epic-style poem, though I haven't gotten much of it written for quite a while now.

Tagging: @gawrkin, @emperorcandy, @wildbasil, @gorewound, @knightsofsomethingorother, @ladyminaofcamelot, @tasosotaso, @amashelle, @gingersnaptaff (I have no idea who's been tagged so far, apart from the people on @oneshoulderangel's post, so I apologize for any multi-tags)

[otter-pop-supreme]

Hehehe I need to reread rrff but I’m also scared to reread it🧍cause i can only remember this, but i wanna draw other scenes. Preferable the ones that DONT make me wanna curl up on the ground and cry✨

They live in my head rent free, mainly cause I'm a lousy landlord and let them-

So heres a little fan doodle (I'm gonna hate it when I wake up) dark mode and light mode cause the colors look a lil brighter and mildly off design in dark mode. I did color select off the lil ref charts but color theory will color theory ig✨

[moonchild-in-blue]

Not to get mushy but. Have you thought about how lucky we all are for being here right now? Like, how many of us struggled so hard before, to the point of nearly giving up? And yet we're here??

What are the odds of a bunch of random weirdos all over the world happen to get into the same bands, and be active in a equally weird, supposedly "dead" social media, at the same time? And just happen to be "just" brave enough to talk to someone, and another one, and another one?

I mean really. Have you thought about it? This just doesn't really happen like that. There's so many of you I consider genuine friends. So many of us that have or will meet irl. Like??? Hello ??? This is crazy!! Genuinely bonkers!!! Idk man, I'm super in my feels and I appreciate tf out of you all.

I mean, wow. How lucky I am to be here right now and be your friend. Yall are so neat and cute and interesting and cool and precious, like WOW. I'm glad we made it so far guys. Let's be alive for a long time 🥹💙

[harpuiaa]

i've been dead and gone bc of school and jobsearching and everything happening all at once but ive been playing the boktai series games lately and i'm enjoying it a lot. I just got past the third boss in boktai 2. I don't know why but i'm enthralled with these games, i highly recommend them

[pickled-flowers]

Saw some of the grossest parenting today in the bus

[bringslife]

so tired of seeing ppl (non rp fandom) complaining about the doctor crying whenever he’s in an emotionally traumatizing situation.

[scribe-cas]

i need to explode. Vent post

RAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGHHHHHHH. FUCK. I MISS HIM SO MUCH.

I know and I fucking knew I wasn't going to find him, but my fucking God

How the fuck am I supposed to live like this

"Oh so I have a book character based off of an actual entity who haunted my brain for a little while in the form of alter possession because I had splits at one point and at any mention of him I go literally fucking shitballs insane and will do anything to see him again" like what the fuck is wrong with me /lh

I know I sound insane but that's. Insaner than shit.

Like wow I feel actually awful and freakish some days. I sometimes wonder if this is actually here or if it's just all in my head and some huge fucking coincidence. It seems like every time I get closer to figuring something out about him or anyone and anything associated with him, it's like I take 4 steps back.

And it's. Heartbreaking. I don't know how else certain things could even have possibly happened without his existence, but also am I somehow just making up all of this shit. Am I going to spend the rest of my life chasing after every redheaded transgender man I see only for my brain and my heart to be left. Empty. Because it's not him.

nobody's ever going to be him, and I doubt anyone would ever want to.

There's just a level of feeling abandoned that's never going to heal.

The only thing that helps is writing my books.

Seeing people connect to them. Seeing people connect to, and emulate, him.

That makes me feel less crazy. It makes me feel like maybe if it is all in my head and if nothing is actually real at least it was kind of worth it.

To quote bojack horseman, which i probably should not have watched:

"That means that all the damage I got isn't 'good damage'. It's just damage. I have gotten nothing out of it and all those years I was miserable was for nothing."

This is what's. Just circling my brain. If he's not real then yeah I kept myself alive but why did I love. What was the point of it all. There are other people who love me and it's wonderful but sometimes I miss his smile and as fucked as it is I wish that I'd run into someone who's even slightly like him.

Just so that i can stare at them and. Like. Remember.

Redheaded long haired trans men it's your time to shine im summoning you from across tumblr, come tell me you love me

Bonus points if you're folklore obsessed, dress like a flamboyant dance student, like heels and bartend /j obviously

But like. I can't explain it. It's devastating i miss my brother man 👍

Thanks tumblr for listening to my tedtalk

[inniave]

after surgery i'm buying myself pentiment goddamnit

[sheepcreature]

AGH.

[ragingdumpsterfire]

.

[sirompp]

i looked at a 3-4 old drawing in comparison to the thing im drawing rn and got emotional

[youremyonlyhope]

Stupidly I decided to watch this video just now.

Today would have been my Grandma's birthday, but we lost her last fall and then my Nanna in the winter.

I did not think that a commentary video on Rugrats would make me uncontrollably sob. But I blocked out how sad the Mother's Day episode was. And combining it with Grandma's birthday...

I've spent the last 10 minutes or so doubled over crying.

[bewby]

soooo insane how depression actually affects the way i talk/speak/my speech patterns/etc like not only have i lost motivation to even talk to myself and it's rotting my brain away but i also forgot how to talk to others entirely because it has become. exhausting for me. awesome

[gatun-gatunesco]

...