#it genuinely seems so exhausting
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already seen some crybabies in the tag mad that rwby has a new home and just like??? fucking die mad about it??? if you hate rwby so much why does it matter to you that it has a new home?? why do you CARE?? just let us who actually love this show, story, and these characters be happy and leave your negative bullshit untagged and on your own blogs where they belong.
#i will never understand how or why people waste their energy whining about things they hate#it genuinely seems so exhausting#and is just such a red flag to me about who you are as a person#rwby#shouting into the void*
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i was logged out for a week and life was so peaceful. i read books by and about women. and when i read comics, i only read comics that prominently featured women. and they were fun!
then i logged back in and ventured beyond my peer reviewed 'i swear on my life that this has women in it who matter to the plot' bubble and. well. can you guess what i found. or rather. who i didnt find. can you guess
#im genuinely beginning to hate the dc fandom. i dont want to! but its getting really hard not to#its not that i dont like guy characters. i love kon! and dick! and tim!#but its exhausting to engage with a fandom that by and large doesnt seem to think women matter#i just want people who write dickkory to think kory matters. i just want people who write batfam to write cass as being there#i want stephanie and babs not to just solve bg problems so that the IMPORTANT CHARACTERS (men) can talk about their feelings#its so disheartening#does anyone else out there actually see the girls as human? as interesting as they see the men?#do you see a complex and deeply interesting deeply human psyche? trauma worth unpacking?#do you see someone worth diving deeper?#you do these deep complex character studies for all of the men. where are the ones for the girls?#ive read a few about cass and stephanie over the last day or two and now that ive feasted...#...whenever i read fics and they arent there i just feel so hollow#its not intentional sexism by fans. no one can force someone to care about characters they just dont care about#but fandom reinforces caring about the men so so so so much#and the girls get scraps#i just feel like a ghost in dc. i like the women. genuinely am interested in them. why do i never find fics About them?
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also picking raspberries turned out to be.. really fucking hard
#it's so physically demanding broo ToT#idk i feel like im just weak af because some people there seem to do it so easily and i can barely#do half a day#and they want me to do a full day tomorrow bro#like#I'm so tired after half a day..#i genuinely feel like i might just collapse or something#i do want that bit of money tho but it's sooo exhausting#i went there for half a day today and it killed me bro i was just lying in bed#and i didn't want to fall asleep cause it was like noon already but#i didn't even have the energy to look at a phone lmao#well it's gonna be over this week probably cause#the raspberries are going to stop growing in a few days apparently they're saying in 2 days#we're going to be done#I'd love to make more money but I don't think i can fucking do ittt#its so physically demanding whyyyyy#and why are there grandmas working with me in that field and they seem just fine BROOOO TOT#but yeah now that im thinking about it this also might be part of my problems cause#im soo much.ore irritable rn just cause im literally exhausted all the time ughhh#i came back home 3 days ago and i haven't even had the time to sit down at a desk and draw something#not even mentioning energy aughhh
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normal ways to talk about holding hands
#whispers#Comic aurora#Oh EXCELLENT they're both like this#'It was the heat of the moment' sir??#Fellas is it gay to as a man save another man from falling off a ledge#Why are you doing that?! So you can Hold Hands?!#And you didn't IMMEDIATELY drop it like a HOT POTATO because you were both exhausted???#UNHEARD OF#This does seem like Dainix being genuinely mostly confused at Falst's line of thought but#Heat of the moment and inches from death are sending me
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The worst part about holding a job for several years is seeing everyone you worked with come and go, over and over again, making friends with coworkers, or just learning to enjoy working with them, only for them to move on and leave forever.
#I've been thinking about this a lot lately.#I miss A****. I miss C***. I miss S****. I miss C******. I miss J****. Hell I even miss M**** and D**.#This has happened to me countless times#Because every job I've had#I've had for years#Six at McDonalds#Two and a half at the current place#And everyone#always#without fail#Leaves#And suddenly you're the senior#Suddenly you're the most experienced on the team#And the bosses are asking you if you want a promotion or if you've ever thought about moving up the ladder#But you don't want that... You were perfectly happy being no one- Working together with people who all seemed to know so much more than you#And all the memories of the people you enjoyed working with are gone#And you have to try to make it through that like it's normal#I miss working with so many people more skilled than me across all my jobs#I don't like being one of the pillars of the workforce#I'm tired#I'm so fucking tired#And at least here since it's an office job I'm not as physically exhausted as I used to get at Mackas or the grocery store.#But it's a weariness of the soul.#My soul is tired...#I can't take it much more.#When do I get to escape the workforce and live my dream?#When do I get to get treated like a princess instead of a peasant?#When do I get to enjoy my daily life?#And I don't mean just like. Find the occasional joy in each day.#I mean like genuinely truly enjoy my daily life. All of it. The whole way through.
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I thought I would be making this at a later date, but I’m going to state it now. This blog is not gonna continue.
I will leave it up as an archive, though I do not know how to deactivate side blogs, so as of now it will remain active until I figure out how to deactivate it.
That being said, through one of the victims, I wished to stand up for I learned about a blog that has actively been actively targeting Cerberus in a harassment campaign.
Do I support the things that Cerberus did over a year ago? No. I find disgusting. However, I am aware that they are trying to recover from this, in which I support the recovery from what they did in the past.
That being said, from what I have seen, the blog has consistently moved the goal post further back after each time it was met. If I am correct, this is a manipulation tactic (please do correct me if I am wrong on this. I do not wish to spread misinformation.)
What I do know is that they have been publicly spreading misinformation about ikamigami knowingly supporting a groomer. If any evidence to support the claim can be provided, then please provide it as it is necessary in cases like this to provide the evidence, whether it be in a Google document or just sharing the screenshots.
But I also know from what I’ve seen is that they used a manipulation tactic when bringing this up, which already makes me cast outs on the claim ikamigami supporting a groomer knowingly, especially when it has been pointed out that said groomer lied to the public
I also want to mention that this account seems to go against the wishes of one of the victims. the victim had mentioned that they aren’t happy with the fact that the document was being used to tear others down & being used as other people‘s moral high grounds.
I will admit I have gotten emotional looking through that blog as they seem to brush off any criticisms or concerns about the victims, when brought up by others, along with reading messages from the victims they made their account for. I am doing my best to keep those emotions separated from this blog, though I do apologize if they have slipped through.
For the victims that I wished to stand for, I apologize as I believe I have unintentionally harmed you. I went into this project, mainly with emotions without thinking of how it would affect my mental health, or a proper understanding of everything that has gone on in the situation. I do believe the blog that I am talking about here is in a similar situation to me when it comes to the creation of our blogs.
With That being said. I thank those who have come here to vent to me, give evidence, or just stood by my side and trying to help others. I’ve let you all down, and I apologize for doing so. And for the victim who had dm’d me, I’m sorry people are using the document from a year ago, along with what you experienced in the past in a way you are uncomfortable with. I do wish I could stop it for you, but I do believe I am powerless in this situation.
And with that, it’s farewell everyone.
#exposing the truth#hopeful final post#if I can be personal for one moment in the tags#This blog genuinely drained my mental health. It was… Exhausting to run to say the least.#And having to restrict myself with talking and act in a more professional manner did not help#Again I apologize to anyone I’ve affected negatively#I do not change my belief that the big blogs did cause serious harm#though thanks to an anon I got the day I took my break. It made me realize I didn’t really have a proper grasp on the entire situation.#I don’t think I’ll ever have a proper grasp on it#But from what I can tell it negatively affected a lot of people. And I just wanted to help.#This blog was genuinely a spur of the moment decision. I should’ve thought through with making it but I didn’t.#well… this is goodbye.#As much as I wanna say I’ll miss you guys. I’m probably not.#You seem like genuinely great people but the community is just too much of a drain on my mental health#if I’m asked by anyone to address the blog I was talking about in this post I’ll probably do it via DM’s#Unless the blog I am talking about seize this and wishes to make it public#Other than that I probably will not ever come back to this account again#I do believe I have a problem with rambling…#so with that… Goodbye again
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Swing's "self-sacrificing" flaw is either "I'll sacrifice my happiness to make sure you're happy" or "I'll sacrifice MY LIFE for you if it means you get to live"
#Lars says#oc talk#similarly to tailgate they just want to be liked#and not abandoned#whether it be because other bots get bored of them and move on#or because a friend is in danger and about to lose their life#They fear rejection and/or loss#which might make it harder for them to befriend other bots genuinely#especially because I feel they'd put forward a more high-energy and playful version of themselves to seem fun to be around#when they're actually just a shy little guy who's overly anxious about being alone#so Swing probably hella suffers when someone's genuinely interested in being their friend#because while they WANT that they don't feel confident that being themselves will keep people around#what they do know is that it's exhausting being so performative all the time#which makes it harder to keep up with friendships most of the time#grrr anyway lemme stop yapping in the tags
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how is the sale going?
🙃🙃🙃🙃
#awful#genuinely don’t know if it was even worth it#I guess we shall see once my dad counts up what we made in total#but it can’t be that much tbh#I blame the fact that it was Labor Day weekend and the last weekend for my state fair#so feel like people are busy and not gonna go to a stupid garage sale 🤦🏽♀️#I didn’t know it was the last weekend of the state fair otherwise I would have been like ‘ehhh let’s do next weekends’#whatever whatever#i didn’t get any sleep last night#I accidentally snapped on my family a few times#I was not doing ok this morning#like at all#doing a little better now?#just kinda upset the sale was such a bust#I knew it wasn’t going to be huge but was hoping maybe one or two mom or grandmas would come through and buy a bunch of baby clothes/toys#but nah#most people came through and was like ‘sorry we don’t have any kids or grandkids’ and then they would leave#bah humbug#I’m exhausted#now I have to clean downstairs even though I’ve been nonstop going for the past few days#I just want to lay down and pass out 🤦🏽♀️🤦🏽♀️#doesn’t help that I hate weekends#don’t remember the last ‘good’ weekend I had#my meds don’t seem to be doing shit#and I feel like a jumbled jambled mess#hopefully the day will turn around a little bit#need to get energy to shower and wash the grossness of the last week off tbh#thanks for asking though#how’s your weekend going? 🫶#ask
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what really sucks is that i've actually had an incredibly uplifting weekend! i got a job and my first day is tomorrow! we had our last weekend of shows and they all went super well! we had an awesome cast party! i asked out my cast crush and we're planning a date! i got the last few things i needed to make my halloween costume and i can't wait to put it all together!
but of course the rampant toxicity oozing off of my mother makes it so hard to feel good about any of that
#she just doesn't seem to think i can do anything right#she talks to work friends about how she's so proud of my sfx work but then finds ways to keep me from DOING the sfx work#she came to see pippin three times (which me and my dad were both in) but ONLY talked about how fun my dad was to watch onstage#she'll hold grudges about mistakes or accidents from YEARS ago - i repainted my room after we moved in and#even though i DID put down tarps and was as careful as I could be a little paint dripped down past the tarps and got on the carpet#and she's STILL holding that over my head as if it was an act of carelessness rather than a genuine accident#i feel like i'm always walking on eggshells just to not make a stir around her and it's exhausting
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Hm... never trust how you feel about your life past 9pm or however that goes and stuff, but sometimes I do be pondering what I do on the regular and it gets to me, the silliest things
#I'm once again getting anxious over putting myself out there in every sense I can think of#Socially. Business-wise. Art-wise#if there is one trait I dislike about myself the most in the past few years—#is that for whatever reason I have a tendency to be way too open about myself and what I feel#it could be annoying. It could be tmi (I dislike that concept). It could scare people off because I'm too forward and I fuck up#I spent a big chunk of my late childhood -> teenage years -> early adulthood putting a tamper on my emotions and what I'm passionate about#and now I'm oscillating between being unable to do otherwise and being thoroughly exhausted of suppressing... anything#I genuinely don't want to do it no more and the problem is that I have no idea how to navigate the opposite end of that conduct#I feel like I'm constantly messing it up. I have no experience but I am so tired and now incapable of masking#more like my body and mind are uncooperative and refuse to keep on putting up an act. It was always a way to support others#but I disregarded myself most of the time. I don't know how to enjoy myself in front of people I love without feeling guilt or shame#I feel like I'm overstepping or being disrespectful. How do you do it#it should come easy#Heh... I'm even embarrassed to voice sincere praise to artists I admire because I never know if what I'm saying could be perceived as —#—cringey or if it makes someone slightly uncomfortable. I'm tired of being clueless about a whole dimension of social interaction#and possibly coming across as inept. I could've sworn for the longest time that I was doing it right#and I can't be sure now#I want to share my work with others but I'm always hesitant and petrified by fear of all the potential ramifications that path could have#There's so much I want to do#why does the world seem so hostile to my eyes I genuinely don't know. It makes no sense. None of that is real#Annnnnd that sure is some venting#Sheesh#Hm. Funny how tumblr keeps on being this perfect void where you can just scream into without a single worry#I should go to sleep
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😮💨
[sorry for the hardcore tag rants, y'all]
#more than a little exhausted by certain things#no stability anywhere in life#not in work or family or even friends#would settle for literally just one single shred of continuity and reliance#one single piece of my life I can count on to be there for me and reliable and safe#just a shred of something or someone being there for me in the long run#work has proven garbage#family is so fucking volatile it might as well be an unhandled explosive#and the very few threads of friendship I've found and thought were worth the time and effort to strengthen have just#left me abandoned or floundering doing either all the work to be left behind or what I can to be uncounted for#either nothing or not enough and not counted for in the long run#because apparently my friendship is just as forgettable or easily disregarded as every other part of me#or at least that's how it definitely fuckin feels#and I'm So Spooked when it comes to making friends!#I'm scared to connect with people who actually seem genuinely interested in getting to know me and talk to me!#and that sucks bc I want to get to know them but everyone else seemed interested at first too and then a few months later!#they're just as hard to get in touch with as everyone else who turns away!#I don't want to annoy anyone or be too much anymore#I'm tired of getting my feelings hurt like a big giant fucking baby!#i know it's mostly on me and managing shit but it still just. sucks ASS.#I don't wanr to be scared to make friends because people abandon me#I don't want to run people off#I want to be better and have better because I know I deserve it#sorry for ranting I'm just. incredibly jacked up about some more recent stuff bc it brought up long term stuff#i am not immune to hating myself bc of bad friends#anyway yeah sorry i am done grambling#grant grumbles#grambling is my new grant grumbles extra#also to you amazing guys who are so full of love (myccc and hack!!!!!) ily tons and you bring me life#i am trying to be just as cool and worthy as you both!!!! please don't ever leave me! you keep me going even if I don't show it well!!!
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not me taunting myself with apartment listings
#i found an apartment downtown that i kinda sorta love#the location isn't ideal but id get over it pretty quickly i think#bc like. it's great otherwise#it's an artists apartment so they try and only bring artists on as tenants (and the rent is pretty affordable as a result lol)#they've got a communal music practice space and a pottery room with a kiln and an apartment gallery where you can display your pieces#plus other stuff of course but those are the really cool bits#the in-unit amenities aren't SUPER fancy or anything but i don't mind that. i like my appliances to be big and dumb anyways#genuinely this place seems lovely#it gets a bit loud because there's plenty of musicians and also because it's downtown and downtown is loud#but i don't really mind noise when it's just music or like. sounds of people just Living#goddd i wanna move. i like living at home but it's exhausting
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hi exams over vent in tags btw
#[✦ - star rants!]#i don't think i did well at all.#like i genuinely mean it#after the paper i just sat there and soaked in my own cortisol#so many things went wrong like the seat i sat in was so windy and my papers kept flying around#or the fact that my lower abdomen chose that moment to hurt like crazy#im so tired#im going to malaysia tmr which sounds fun but i dont want to go#im missing out on lessons and i begged my parents to reschedule but she didnt want to interrupt the schedule of my 6 and 7 yo cousin!!#which like yeah i kinda agree and things that may not seem important to me could be important to my cousins but i just#i just wish they respected my time too#my grades are only important to them when im sick and want to take a day off school#but honestly they've always been important to me and its scary seeing my grades drop and i want to fix it#this is exhausting
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#need to live in a sitcom apartment complex where all my friends are down the hall and we can just hangout whenever#I genuinely think this prolonged lack of ‘face time’/conversation is shaving years off my life lmao#I should be sleeping but man. idk. it’s hard.#and I feel like being out in classes for a handful of hours every week makes it more pronounced. I get embarrassingly excited and it shows#like I can feel myself freaking people out in real time lmfao no one is that excited about small talk.#& I always feel selfish maybe?? or something idk it’s almost a panicky feeling when the conversation dies#please no come back lol I can fill the air more I promise#but I think that makes me exhausting to be around since no one else seems to be in a similar boat#I get it even if it makes me sad + another reason having a lot of people around would solve it yk#like I can just rotate around so I can meet my needs without bothering people#fever dream ofc that will never happen for many reasons but still. idk.#sighs. anyways. sleep maybe now idk.
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You see, the problem is, I have to get the fuck out of here as soon as possible (which is in 6 months). But in order to do that I need to decide where it is I'm going to go. Its pretty much nailed down to 2 options. 1) I could go back home, this has the benefits of being familiar, I have friends there, and has a slightly lower cost of living, still expensive but slightly less so than option 2. Or option 2) which is slightly more expensive and I have little to no familiarity with the city and don't know anyone there but it has more opportunities for jobs in my dream field, something option 1 lacks.
Either way, I'd need a job that pays at least 20 dollars an hour (and even that would be very tight) which is hard enough to do when I have a high school diploma and no work experience or education that's relevant to anything. But is made nearly impossible by the fact that most places hiring for entry-level positions aren't willing to even look at someone who's relocating from out of state. My stepmom has a masters degree and over 20 years relevant experience and she still couldn't get a job here until after they'd already moved because no one wanted to hire from out of state. And I can't afford to move without a guaranteed income already lined up.
Moving here may have been my only option but it also might have completely fucked me.
#and thats not even mentioning that 90% of the jobs that meet that salary and are listed as 'high school diploma only'#actually require 5+ years experience in the field#an associates degree#and/or multiple certifications#and the handful that genuinely dont require that are all commission based sales positions where you can make 'up to 20$ an hour'#but with no guarantee#and im too autistic for that kind of job#so like#really seems like im going to be stuck working at the grocery store#in the middle of nowhere in a town that i hate#stressed and exhausted 24/7#for the rest of my life#whats the fucking point of anything#op
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witnessed a whole bunch of people the last couple of days being despicable and vile and just mean and I'm usually a very people are fundamentally good, actually, kind of person but good fucking grief I'm so goddamn tired, aren't y'all tired?????
#mona rambles#it's fine i'll get over it and stop the vague-blogging again but holy fuck#just because someone hurt you doesn't mean you should go kick them while they're down#just because something annoys you doesn't mean you should go shit-talk your friends behind their backs#just because etc etc#like what are we in fucking middle school????#i'm so in my bubble of friends and well-curated online spaces I think sometimes i forget the amount of cunts out in the world#and like. it's not about bigots or anything it's about people that seem genuinely nice on first and even second glance#who just. turn around and are. like that like?? what the ever-loving fuck do you still feel yourself#i think i'd be less exhausted if it weren't like#three unrelated bullshit incidents happening at once but as it is#i'm just. gonna have to be once again contemplating how people can be so fucking nasty and not even?? seem to be aware of it???#like jfc#ANYWAY#tbd
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