#it feels like ive found a part of myself that i didnt think id ever get to see again

[skunkes]

was abt to make a silly post about how at this point i barter with the universe for a bf like "please id take care of him and walk him and dress him up", like a child begging for a pet, and then i think abt how as much as i want an actual pet I don't think im fit to ever have one of those either

[skuntank]

SORRY THIS IS LIKE HITTING ME KIND OF HARD FOR SOME REASON

[81folklore]

heaven - PIASTRI - part 5

pairings: oscar piastri x private!reader (fc: gracie abrams)

summary: australian adventures of yn and oscar

type: social media au (smau)

authors note: IM BACK WRITING MY FAVORITE ANGELS!!! ive been feeling slightly more motivated so i thought id just continue a story instead of creating a new one (at least whilst im in this slump) i do hope you enjoy!!

heaven masterlist masterlist

yourusername

liked by oscarpiastri, logansargeant and 7,191 others

oh australia how ive missed you and your gifts 💫

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user3 whats the best gift australia has given you??

yourusername oscar!!! liked by oscarpiastri

user3 SHUT THE FUCK UP WHATTTT?!?!??

user62 i feel SICK THEYRE SO??

oscarpiastri oh my goddd

oscarpiastri 😍😍

user4 you cannot separate oscar from that emoji

yourusername not even i can😕😕

oscarpiastri you can pry it from my cold dead hands

user81 that dog is so stinking cute

user22 yess but that dress is GORGEOUS

user5 right shes sooooooo pretty liked by oscarpiastri

user88 australia is the one whos lucky!! liked by oscarpiastri

user67 like they are being blessed with the yn ln

yourfriend3 you are oh so lovely liked by oscarpiastri

yourfriend3 i take it back stop your boyf from liking my comments abt you

yourusername he loves me🥰🥰

oscarpiastri i do!! its true!!

oscarpiastri 📍location home

liked by yourusername, lilymhe and 52,281 others

my favorite lady in my favorite place

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user18 SHE IS HIS FAVORITE LADY OH MU GOD😭😭

user17 AND HIS FAVORITE PLACE IS HOME😭

user24 oh my god she is gorgeous liked by oscarpiastri

user84 i will never ever get tired of them

user28 i hope theyre in love forever and ever liked by oscarpiastri

user55 oscar liking this comment☹️☹️

yourusername my babyyyy

yourusername oh how ill always love you liked by oscarpiastri

oscarpiastri 🩷🩷

twitter

yourusername

liked by oscarpiastri, landonorris and 8,729 others

the day you entered my world you changed my entire view on life and myself, you help me find love and happiness in things i never expected and showed me how to appreciate the smallest things in life.

sometimes i wonder if im being selfish, how can i be worthy of all the love and time youve given to me? surely there is someone more deserving, someone who needs everything youve showed me more? i think about what i must have done in a past life to be gifted with you and then i wonder if we are destined.

maybe i dont deserve you in this life, maybe i dont deserve you in a thousand other lifes. but i believe we are meant to be which means for every universe we dont find eachother, we find eachother in a hundred more

im so glad we found each other, i dont know if i deserve you but i promise i will cherish and appreciate you the way i have done for 6 years and the way i will continue to love you for as long as this universe allows and then i will love you even longer in another

six years used to feel like forever but now ill never have enough time, happy anniversary lovely

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oscarpiastri you continue to help my heart keep beating

oscarpiastri i didnt think love was real until i found you

oscarpiastri we will find eachother in every universe i promise

oscarpiastri you are the prettiest and most lovely person i have ever met and you deserve everything and more

yourusername my good looking boyyyy🩵🩵

user29 i have no words i cant comprehend what im reading

user10 i feel so violently ill they are so sweet

user62 my parents everyone!!!

user53 is that an engagement ring?!

user33 wait pause

user5 theres no way right??

oscarpiastri

liked by yourusername, arthur_leclerc and 62,379 others

you’ve impacted my life in more ways than you will ever know and im so thankful that i get to love you for all eternity, you have such a beautiful soul and i can’t believe i get to hold it

happy six years and to a lifetime more

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yourusername you are so so incredible

yourusername i dont know how many other ways i can say it but i love you

oscarpiastri i love you too

user66 they are sooooo

user7 oh my gooooood i am a puddle of tears

user56 you just dont get them like i do

user32 anyone else sad we didnt get a long caption like yns was beautiful

yourusername oscar said more than enough in his letter☺️

user43 OH MY GOD HE WROTE HER A LETTER😭😭😭😭

user3 six years.. six damn years and they are still so in love

user48 guys are they engaged or not😭

yourusername not!! we are still young and exploring ourselves and the world and we are still grow into better people. we didnt want to rush when we still have so many things to do but we will when we know we are ready🩷 liked by oscarpiastri

user65 i didnt know it was possible to love two random strangers so much☹️☹️

yourusername added to their story

seen by oscarpiastri, landonorris and 9,372 others

text on story reads: 🩷🩷🩷

oscarpiastri added to their story

seen by yourusername, aussiegrit and 105,482 others

text on story reads: sunshine ☀️☀️

twitter

[nellyjellly]

must be love

pre-squidgame! thanos x nurse! reader.

Warnings! you are as old as Thanos, so its not a weird student x staff rls. He probably got held back a few grades tbh. Also yes the title is based off of a Laufey song :D I love her

!⠀♡⠀₊⠀⠀ׁ⠀ꔛ

Ive grown used to him.

Thanos was the kind of patient who would come in everyday, he didn't seem sick enough to visit. Although, he always found a way to show up. It was usually a fresh bruise, or a cut that resulted in one of his unecessary fights.

Every time, he would stroll in with that cocky grin. He would claim that he "got into just a little free-for-all" as if it was no big deal. I knew better than that, he never wanted anything more than a quick excuse to stick around.

If I said I didnt like it, id be lying. I look foward to his visits for reasons I can't understand.

Thanos strolled in with a smirk. That damn smirk. "Señorita, excuse me." Thanos called out. I spinned my chair around to see Thanos leaning on the door with a black eye and a rose in his teeth.

"What's up now?"I sigh and stand up to snatch the rose out of his teeth. Playing hard to get can work in certain situations with certain people, and this man is perfect for this act. "What?" Thanos stretched his hands "You don't like it?" He questioned. "Thanos, you cannot come here EVERYDAY." I informed him with more of a stern voice. "What if one day you are actually hurt and I won't believe you? You're always pulling something like this."

He chuckled, leaning back casually. “Oh, come on, you know you miss me.” His eyes twinkled with mischief as he took a step closer, his voice lowering. “Maybe I’m here to make sure you’re okay. Ever think of that?” He raised an eyebrow, pretending to be innocent. “And besides, how can I not come see the woman who keeps me alive with nothing more than a smile?”

"Cut the crap, Thanos." I snapped. "Now, let's get you squared away. Shall we?" I reassured with a comforting change of tone. Thanos smiled while I went to go get an ice pack and medicine.This is what i loved.

After that day, he stopped showing up. I don't know why. Days passed, and i felt a certain sadness that I couldn't explain.

For days, I tried to tell myself it was just another patient missing. But the truth was, it wasn’t the same without him. The waiting room felt quieter, too still, like something was out of place. I found myself glancing up from my work, half-expecting to see him standing there with that crooked grin and a rose between his teeth. It was ridiculous, I knew. He was just a patient, after all. But every time the door opened and it wasn’t him, a little part of me felt gone. I hated admitting it, but I missed him more than I cared to admit. Deep down, I loved him.

Out of the blue, on a random work day, Thanos pushed open the door to the nurses office. For a moment, every thought seemed to fade away. There he was, standing infront of me, with that teasing smile. A grin tugged at the corners of my mouth without even trying. I couldn't help but feel a rush of warmth seeing him again. I let out a "Hey." In a softer voice than usual. A smile spread across his face even more and it made my heart race.

It was more than relief, it was something else like something unspoken hanging between both of us. I felt it, this was more than a friendship.

After moments hung in the air, Thanos took a small step closer. I felt the familiar warmth of his presence. My heart seemed to beat a little faster when he was near. he twisted his head slightly, "I guess I liked this place more than I thought." he said. His voice was low and teasing, but his eyes said something more.

Before I couldn't respond, he reached out and brushed part of my hair behind my ear. It sent a shiver through me. His fingers lingered longer than necessary, looking at me in the eyes with undeniable love. The intensity felt new but I realize, it's always been there, I just realized it this time. "And... I missed you." he added silently. His voice was almost a whisper now, waiting for my reaction.

Part 2??

Thank u my lovelies for reading. <3

!⠀♡⠀₊⠀⠀ׁ⠀ꔛ





[enlighten3d]

Hi sorry I know this might be really personal and you obviously don't have to answer if you don't want to but you post a lot about being aroace and I've been thinking about that for myself kind of a lot lately and was just wondering how you know for sure that that's what you are as opposed to not having found the right person yet kind of thing that people always tell you.

Again sorry personal absolutely don't feel pressured.

mmmm okay so! idm answering this, im happy to help (: but for claritys sake: i am asexual by definition, but i dont indentify as such! i only id as aromantic bcs thats the only indentity that actually feels important and like a part of me. might not make any sense but whatever lol

how i knew that im aro? i just. found the label, and was like, 'sure, why not.' and it stuck. its... for the difference between being aro and not having found the right person yet, its that, well. okay, so what if youre not actually aro? you do meet someone you love romantically even after youve ided as aro for years? cool, whatever, you can keep the aro label, or change it. or you never do fall in love romantically, and dont need to do anth abt the label.

what im saying is... mm okay label is a misnomer. i once heard someone say that labels are more akin to fridge magnets - you stick them on, and maybe they stay and you like how they look and make you happy. or maybe you stick them on and they look bad and you dont like them so you take them down. or maybe you stick them on and you like them for a while, but it starts feeling wrong eventually, so you take them down. labels - like magnets - arent permanent.

its impossible to really, truly, make a mistake in finding a label that explains your experiences. even if its wrong, there was smth that felt right abt it at that time. its a part of your journey. we, as people, are ever-changing - its literally impossible to know what will happen tomorrow, nevermind in a few years (sorry the isat reference is mostly unintentional).

so how did i know? i stuck the aro magnet on. and i like how it looks for now, maybe forever. maybe ill find the 'right one' or whatever, or maybe i wont. if i do, then whatever, down goes the magnet. if i dont (and i dont think i will, for the record! i dont have any Reasoning, its just... okay ill explain this next paragraph), then up there it stays. youre free to say youre aro for now and then change it if it ever changes. theres nothing stopping you, nonnie

as for yeah, whatever vague wording i can give to my reasoning, its... standard stuff, sorry. ive never understood romance? i think its completely fucking unnecessary and overrated. stupid, even. i straightup Do Not Get It. i forced myself to say i have a crush on a guy in gr4 bcs everyone else was talking abt crushes. decided i was romantically attracted to this girl in dance class bcs i liked her vibes. trying to conform to actually wanting romance when i just dont. dated this girl in gr8, and then when we broke up (i am bad at communication and unfortunately incredibly fucking clingy), i was like... 'huh, i didnt really feel that different about her than i did abt any of my other friends'. i just really really cared abt her and wanted to be close w her, and the only way i knew how to do that was 'romance'. but that wasnt it. found out abt aro ppl (forget how; memory is Trash), and was like 'oh damn, thats... that makes sense'. i definitely had a crisis and Logic but i do not remember that, sorry. all of this is pieced together from old text messages and half-remembered memories hajdjdzkzos

imo the concept of a 'right one' is pretty damn fucking stupid (/nay; at Society). 8 billion ppl on earth. im not going to find this hypothetical right one who can change absolutely everything about me and my identity. ive got the ppl around me that i already love. im happy w that. chasing after some hypothetical infinitesimal chance of a person whos Perfect for oneself is just a damn waste of time

so just... these decisions dont have to be permanent, nonnie. youre allowed to be wrong and realise that you werent actually aroace. youre allowed to be wrong. so if you want my advice? say youre aroace. stick the magnet on, see if it falls off or not. its still a valid and valuable part of your journey. youre allowed to be wrong. youre always allowed to be wrong.

i mean, afterall, how can one be sure that they ARE allo? that they WILL find that 'right one'? through experience. so fuck around, find out. stick that magnet on.

good luck (: i rly rly hope this is helpful and not just me repeating what youve already heard, sry for yapping so much LMAO. i have a lot to say

[fearowkenya]

absolutely catastrophic but necessary conversation with my therapist about whether or not i should grit my teeth and visit my father in the . just delightful state of florida.

it was actually less about the state of florida and more about how despite my dad's earnest and and unconditional love for me that i know is genuine, every conversation we have feels like i am on the defensive and having to justify myself. some of it, though not all, stems from Gender Stuff which he says he accepts, but having any meaningful conversation ends with me feeling like im being brushed off or not taken seriously out of what seems like disinterest. i suppose thats better than outright dismissal.

in terms of going to visit him, i am probably not at any actual risk since im white and look like a cis woman to most people. also im a visitor and do not actively live there, so i dont think it would be dangerous unless i went around proclaiming that im transgender through a big megaphone, and even then, i doubt anything would happen. still, i wanted to broach the subject of safety w/ my dad out of curiosity and was like 'hey like. would you go to bat for me if things went bad" and the answer was yes, of course, (which is what i knew he would say because i DO believe that he would) but he also wanted to know what situation might prompt that.

now i dont think that anyones actually going to try to physically harm me for wearing a gay little rainbow pin or trans flag, but i floated the idea to him anyway just because i wanted to know how he might respond. his answer was "dont wear the pin then." as well as "dont do anything that puts a target on your back". which i found very strange because he can be a little intense about peoples rights to, say, own guns or property, hes the type of guy who gets a bit incensed at the idea of Big Government or Woke Youths telling him what to do. so i was like. ok dad what if all of a sudden people started acting like it was Bad to be a fan of ohio state college football (he likes ohio state college football) and that someone might attack you if you wore a shirt that said ohio state college football on it. and i FULLY expected his answer to be "what the hell are you talking about no one would attack me over a football t-shirt" like i didnt even expect him to humor me or participate in this metaphor or whatever. but what he said to me was "i'd stop wearing the shirt. id only wear it at home".

i dont know why that answer caught me so off-guard. i was like. are you saying that you wouldnt express this [harmless] part of yourself just because other people believe theres something wrong with it [when you know there isn't]? like i was so surprised i didnt word it in an ideal way , probably wasn't specific enough, but the sentiment still was that he would not express himself if , again, that meant "putting a target on his back"

and thats so fucking sad??? that's the saddest thing ive ever heard him say. like did i misunderstand him? did he misunderstand ME?? is he seriously willing to suppress his own joy about this completely harmless aspect of himself?? i really hope i misunderstood, but in hindsight that kinda explains his weird loyalty to his family and his willingness to do things he obviously does not want to do because he seems to believe it's "right" even when it's actively a detriment to him or really doesn't want to or complains about it later even though hes the one who said yes in the first place!!

ok well this turned more into a post about my conversation with my dad than the one with my therapist. therapist conversation was more like "hey do you actually want to go visit your dad or are you doing this out of obligation. what are the pros and cons of going vs not. lets make a list. let's draw some conclusions about this list and discuss how you feel about it" and You Wont Believe It Gamers Who Would Have Seen It Coming: The Cons VASTLY Outnumbered The Pros And Maybe What That Means Is That You Shouldn't Be Willing To Dismiss Those Cons When They Are That Numerous And Also Impact Your Mental Health . so. thats where im at on that front.

[iliveforyouilongforyouvesuvia]

oh god you have foolishly provided me a chance to dump the contains of my soul and heart out in the open through throwing all my favorite songs to listen to and think of Muriel at you in this essay i WILL

ok first i know its on his official playlist already BUT i feel a need to emphasize just how much it is ABsoLUTEly HIS song most of any of them: drumroll please::: 👏Wolf👏 by 👏First Aid Kit👏 any muriel simp reading this right now i am pounding you with my brainwaves of intent to go listen to it Right Now and Read those Lyrics and just try to tell me its not literally about him god if could draw id be doing such a cool animatic about it but alas it dies with me anyway WAYWARD WINDS!!! A VOICE THAT SINGS!!!! OF A!! FORGOTTEN!!!! LAND!!!!!!! SEE IT FALL!!!! CHILD OF WAR!!!! OH LEND!!!! A MENDING HAND!!!!!!!!!!! i believe ive made myself clear kbgxkyhfhkvd

https://youtu.be/6PmuuiXgIZE

i dont know if links work on anon but i had to try gjzghfdtomfg our wedding song straight up this is in my language and also like. about a girl but the words are easy to switch around so it fits lol it basically just goes like "you just had to know (to do something? like in a you know how to work me way lmao linguistics hard), that i cant forget you at all/i forgot my mother and father/my sister and my brother but i cant goshdarn forget you" and i dont know i probably cant translate that so it hits right but god its absolutely perfect to me cause like I DIDNT! FORGET HIM!! MC REMEMBERS HIM AT LEAST A LITTLE BIT!!!! EVEN WITH THE CURSE I DONT KNOW LET ME HAVE THIS ITS TOO GD ROMANTIC I CANT BELIEVE HE GOT ME ACTING LIKE THIS AGHGF im sorry for yelling i got excited

NEXT a classic we gotta pepper some hozier on this thing so here goes Nothing Fucks With My Baby cause thats my ultimate serenade for him in my head especially the "if i was born/as a blackthorn tree/id wanna be held by you/felled by you/fuel the pyre of your enemies" part as it perfectly describes my sentiments towards my man: hes my bby i will kill for him👁️👁️

theres Always Forever by Cults, i dont have that much to rant about it i just always think of him when i play it lol theres hozier again It Will Come Back which is on his official playlist too but i play around with perspectives in this one cause i put myself in the "it" position, like. im chasing here bro👀 oh my god i have got to shut up this is entirely tmi

https://youtu.be/mLycEitwJCA

i made a whole post about this one its a whole thing lmao long story short muriel on a murderous revenge quest au MOVING ON

OH i remembered another folky one

https://youtu.be/NrgwIo8GWDI

its SUCH a banger and i love it and it goes like i saw a Wolf a Fox a Rabbit so i just imprinted on it with Muriel Asra and MC respectively cause i dont know i had a phase where i decided mcs spirit animal is a rabbit cause of that scrapped introduction chapter with the labyrinth thing i guess idk im scrambling here ngfsfugc anyway it slaps listen to it and imagine a bangin tavern party and maybe youll calm down /meme

ohh ok we're on a folksy roll thats probably because i just mostly associate old timey sounding songs with arcana in general lmao i mean its like middle ages over there right

https://youtu.be/t9PUlNQOZ8o

this ones in my language again i know annoying but i found a translated version look!!! AND theres a bunch of people correcting the mistakes in the comments too if you were wanting to get deeper into research hkdggjyecb and its white voice style so depending on your taste it might sound silly but yeah this ones got some fitting lines too tying up with Murmur and its so cute and so cheesy and hopeful and sappy and it cheers me up aw

oh my god i wonder if anyone gets this far reading this ever if youre seeing this its probably during a scroll roll slow just enough to make out the letters Hello godspeed you continue on your journey with my blessings cause im noT EVEN DONE YET HAHAHAHAHAA

Motha Motha! Problems! nuff said

https://youtu.be/artn9fErRp8

this ones gonna take explaining gjxgkhpgz but maybe not that much

https://youtu.be/_h9V94b4R2g

i just had a eureka moment one day and so another animatic concept to take to my grave was born lmao but mostly its just playing into Muriels & MCs "nO i cOULd hUrt YoU Go aWaY" + "ayo hold my flower ima kill them real quick" dynamic theyve got heehee like the whole "~Dangerous~ ooh that sounds good ya" bit and also yes im in your house no im not leaving jgdghkfhgd and like i just imagined the song fitting the vibe of the whole murder lucio quest road trip with MC all "yo we Getting this shit DONE dont fuck around w my crew" (The Crew: feral milf & bear with anxiety) AND LIKE i always get to the "party like we all gon die tonight" basedrop part with the whole visual montage of us finding khamgalai and then the graveyard fight and Absolutely Everything Going to Shit and the mood shifting to "well fuck maybe we do not in fact got this" but its good we kick lucio all the way to hell at the end we good💕

https://youtu.be/ZxWiG6UJr0w

MMMMMMM THIS ONEE AWW im literally just scrolling through my endless unsorted playlist to find these gdiyyfgfz this ones just cute it doesnt really relate to anything at all actually when i think about it but its nice so here

https://youtu.be/6FEDrU85FLE

.....nope i got nothing on this one just plop it right in here

oh my god. its over. weve done it. we're free

man i hope those links work. definitely not on mobile lol whatever

Hi! and oh, WOW, this was one of the most delightfully wild essays I've ever read for Muriel and I loved it. Especially describing the dynamic on the trip south as "feral milf & bear with anxiety" XD

I've found that links don't work in asks, even with the media option turned on, so I'll include them below. Thanks for your suggestions, anon, I'll put them on the tag! ^.^

[stovetoast]

a year ago today, kirby and the forgotten land released worldwide. i didnt have energy for a full drawing, so i wrote a little something under the cut to celebrate.

it feels strange. i still remember all of those months of waiting. theorizing. hoping. discussing. watching failboats reactions over and over. the day it was leaked, i typed KIRBYDISCOVERY into my calculator because i couldnt calm myself down from the news. its all so vivid, as if it happened yesterday, but... no. the game's been out for a year. to say that leaves a smile on my face.

the smile on my face is one of fondness. its been out for a year, and im growing along with it. i was 15, now i turn 17 in almost exactly 3 months. welcome to the new world was new to me, now i know how to pronounce most of the fake lyrics because of how much ive listened to it. i had short hair, now its down to my shoulders. people were unsure about elfilin, now theyre a beloved part of the franchise. i have a kirby hoodie now, my childhood dream. i can stand up for myself more. im growing. forgotten land won best family game of 2022. the start of a new world. the franchise is growing, and ive never been happier with my choice to live for it.

im not exaggerating when i say kirby and the forgotten land is what kept me alive in the months before its release. i was hurting, so badly, but i couldnt die. i didnt want to die. the idea of missing such an important addition to my favorite series, a milestone, a new start... it was torture. i had to keep going. and i still press on, even after i got my final waddle dee. i still press on, because why choose to live for something at all if youre going to take it back when the rest of the world seems to have moved on? i didnt. and i dont think i ever will.

every second of this game is an experience. every waddle dee you save, every note that plays, every hit you squeeze in on a boss. is it a perfect game? no, but it never had to be. i dont want it to be. i dont want a patch. i dont want an update. i dont want dlc. i dont want perfection. i want my unbridled love for this game to be questioned, because whats more human than finding beauty in mistakes? whats the point of singing karaoke with your friends if everyone hits every note? whats the point of skin if every mark is covered? whats the point of a funny exploit if its patched out? i still teach my friends the hammer jump glitch, because why should something like that stay hidden when its brought people joy?

forgotten land, its reception, its story, and the people who were so enthralled by its beauty that they stuck around... it captures the human experience better than any other installment in the franchise. the ties to the lore. the fake language. the music. the world. the way the waddle dees found the resources to build a town and start fresh. the way it was previously left behind, not out of malice, but out of curiosity. in japan, this game is known as kirby of the stars: discovery. the people who made interdimensional travel possible in-universe worked at a place called lab discovera. youre encouraged to explore, to find, to search.

this game is about discovering something new, whether it be something as grand as a reason to live, or as small as a rare stone hidden around the town. thats what life is all about too, isnt it?

yet most that care enough have already reached 100% completion, including me. people arent tagging spoilers anymore. everyone knows who fecto elfilis is. theres no anticipation for why it has a fear warning. its meant to be experienced as if it were new, but... its not anymore. maybe thats why my smile isnt as big as it should be. my mind wants to move on with the rest of the crowd, but i dont want to. i never want to.

i dont know how to close this in a clean way, mostly because i dont want to close it at all. theres so much more i want to say but if i did id be here for hours, so... ill leave you with this: if youre still reading by this point, thank you. if you played this game, thank you. if you voted for it in the game awards, thank you. if you suggested it to a friend, thank you. thank you. thank you. i have never held a game this close to my heart, at least not enough to wrote about it in this way. im overjoyed that hal labs loves their games in the way they do, and hope that they continue to stay this passionate for years to come. do they know we can feel their love? do they know how much theyve done for me? for us? maybe, maybe not.

to anyone involved in forgotten land... thank you. you made me feel human again, even if only for a week, and thats a sort of debt i will never be able to repay.

[queerspaceprince]

super long post

i saw the tv glow spoilers, me being depressing, tw's in tags

i went to see I Saw the TV Glow this afternoon. i got it. def cried a little (idk if hrt has stopped me from crying more bc i havent cried since i was in hs anyway) my sib got it, tho we havent talked ab it yet bc im still processing even now. my mom did not get any of it. at all. wasnt affected. thats fine, whatever.

and. jesus. i give the movie a 15/10, but it was. a whole lot. i have too many emotions.

Im def gonna mention a few spoilers so if you dont want to be spoiled, is your warning.

it made me feel too much. is the allegory really allegory if the hidden meaning is right at the surface?

when owen says that thing during their convo on the bleachers -i cant remember the exact words fuck- something about feeling hollow or missing something or whatever, how he thinks something is wrong with him and his parents do to-i feel that. so much. i felt it so much more before my egg cracked, but i still feel it in relation to my depression and anxiety. that hit me.

there was also that part about feeling like you're watching yourself from the outside, as if through a tv. oof.

then the whole thing maddie said about how time didnt feel right, how nothing changed when she left. i get it. I was 10 nd my parents got divorced, and suddenly im 11 and thinking i wanted to d1e for the first time, and then im 14 in a kind of manipulative relationship, with like 1 friend and super depressed, and then i was graduating and realizing im queer and exploring my gender and going through a breakup. then im 20, and getting my first job, and coming out to my family. and now im 26. and i still mostly feel the same way i always have. i have more good days, and im more confident now, but i still feel like im just going through the motions a lot of the time.

when did I stop being a kid? ive been an adult for 8 years and Im still only working part time (32 hrs), still living with my mother bc rent is $$$$, still barely functional enough that I havent cleaned my room since last year and ive only showered 3 times in the past week, and i have to force myself to go get coffee on my days off or else ill stay in bed all day. Im just stuck here. i shouldve taken driving lessons when I could. id be out. except i cant leave my sibling behind with my mother. shes not awful, but them being alone is an explosion waiting to happen. but they dont have a job and i doubt i could support both of us. and now i dont trust my eyes enough, like i read for 15 minutes and everything else goes blurry, like im seeing triple.

anyway. next is the scene in where she talks about k1lling herself to get back to the pink opaque world. I. have to admit i nearly threw up. the imagery, the way she spoke about it. she said she regretted it while she was stuck underground, then how she felt good about it, about getting out....ive been sitting in a low spot for a while, it was better while we were on our trip, but it just reverted when we came back. i keep thinking im going to relapse into sh again. i feel so close to the edge sometimes. and theres really no reason for it either. my life is fine. not great, not perfect. but adequate. anyway i had to close my eyes and take a minute after that.

i feel that even without wanting to go back to the other world, maddie was suicidal. she wouldve found some reasoning to k1ll herself. Now ive only ever been actively su1cidal once, when i was 15 -or 16- idk my teen years are all a blur of depression and anxiety. im good now. well. i say good. im more, self destructive then really wanting to d1e. just. i feel so bad on the inside for no reason, why can i have a reason to hurt on the outside?? anyway, im ok now, im 3.5 years clean, i dont want that to change. im working on my coping mechanisms.

there was another quote from that planetarium scene that i couldnt stop thinking about but has now vanished from my mind entirely. bc sometimes getting my thoughts in order is like. catching smoke.

anyway. then everything after that. him growing old. knowing something about him is different but not wanting to acknowledge it or it would drastically his life as he knows it. I understand that feeling. except for me, its not exactly acknowledgement of myself, its doing something about it. while I didnt exactly stay in the closet long, that feeling of not wanting anything to change is why the closet exists. i realized i was queer in 2014, trans 2015. came out as bi that summer, but i didnt come out as trans until 3 years later. when I had a job. access to money if i ended up getting kicked onto the street. i literally had a bag packed and ready to go. and yet. even when i did come out, i was too afraid to correct my family on my pronouns or name for another year. my sibling really helped with that. immediately used them. Tbh theyre my fave person and id do anything they asked.

the whole thing about there still being time.

i see a lot of tiktoks about this. people watning to do stuff now bc there is still time to change your life or whatever. im interpreting it differently.

there is time now, but your hourglass will run low eventually. live while you still can, while you can still do something about it. how that message showed up after maddie left- their time together had run out, but he might still be able to do something. make a change. idk. but owen was too scared to do anything.

im still scared to do anything.

i still dont correct people on my name or pronouns if they get them wrong. i still dont speak up if my family says anything not pc (they are learning tho). im too scared to talk about any big feeling i have bc ive always been brushed off in the past and i dont want to feel worse becasue of it.

i still havent done anything to get my name or gender marker changed bc im scared. idk why. ive been living as a man for 6 years, i got top surgery almost 3 years ago, and ive been on hrt for nearly 2.

it terrifies me for some reason. maybe ts the complexity of it. ive found 3 different versions of the paperwork, and nowhere does it tell me exactly how or who to submit it too. one of those said i could submit online but it had to be printed, notarized, and scaned back into the computer? none of the other versions said it had to be notarized???

and i have nobody who has any knowlege that could help. my aunt worked for a lawyer for years, and yet she just said all I have to do is go to the dmv. like babe. no. thats not how that works.

i think ill start on that again.

while i still have time.

[anthraxplus]

I don't know enough about music to ask interesting interview questions, but would you want to like explain your artistic process for how you have made your albums? Like how long did they take to make, what's your starting point? this is a totally optional ask I just thought it would be interesting to hear about something you're interested in

ty for the ask! i feel like the answers to these questions are sorta hard for me to answer tbh because i really did just stumble into this, at least thats how it seems to me.

for baatmoia, id say it took me roughly 9 months to make from beginning to end, but i dont know when i really consciously started working on it. the concept of "making an album" was something i was essentially challenging myself to do, seeing as ive been making music for a long time and only sparsely released a smidgen of it under a different project. they were also the first songs of mine i ever wrote and recorded lyrics/vocals for, which was another challenge for me. as for the construction of it (continuous mix) thats just something i like doing with mixes - my favorite albums have A Flow to them, and i liked making it so that you couldnt have clean delineations between when songs began and ended. thats also part of my mindset behind obscuring my vocals so much, which in turn is just an expression of wanting to make an album that felt dreamy, hazy, ethereal, formless. thats also what i did for baatlnoyl, but for a different reason. i operated a lot on "vibes" for both albums since i didnt really have any other metric (and i still dont), which tbh i like because i think it helps add a very personal feeling to everything.

baatlnoyl is inspired by a dream i had, also took about 9 months(ish), and was directionless for a long time until i was a monthish away from my self imposed deadline. in this dream, i fell in love with a character of that dream and i woke up before i could really tell them. and after trying to use that dream for inspiration for one song in particular, i realized the idea fit with a sort of "call and response" i had noticed with everything else i had written (a lot of repeating motifs). so like, after 8 months of working on this, the album turned into a sort of nonlinear story about that kind of experience and what it would feel like for both people after the dream ended. i wanted this one to be noisier and harsher, but also more expansive in genre (the shoegaze/etc focus on baatmoia was also a self imposed challenge). technically speaking, a couple songs on here have been on my backburner for years, but they finally found a home here (most of it is still brand new material though). i still feel like this one isnt fully complete - i skidded into that deadline and i think it shows. im planning on fixing it up soon to hopefully actually make it the way id like to keep it.

im so sorry if these answers are like disjointed and rambling, its hard for me to explain because so much of the entire nature of these albums was "intuitive," doing something because i Simply Wanted To, because It Felt Right. if i tried to explain every component, i think itd very quickly turn into incoherent babbling. but thank you for the interest in how i make these!!

[superchat]

Do you have vision or desire for who you are going to become ? Not necessarily something you are resolved towards but something you’d like to see in yourself and would welcome . It can be small or nonexistent if you really like the way you are

Ohh, hrmmm. idk, i think abt how i do get older and what i will be like, would i be a 45 year old who goes online too much and reblogs too much anime art still or what. i feel like ppl have an idea that "oh once im older things will just Be Different" like their current habits just..wont apply to themselves in 20 years, but i think itd be very easy to just never lose them

I will be honest, i dont really like who i am and think there is an Inherent part of it with just how im wired, i think back to me in 7th grade vs. me now and how things i liked then is just the same now. i had no idea what k-on! was back then but my ipod wallpaper app had pics of the characters, i downloaded a ton of the wallpapers of bassist like this, especially this outfit with the sleeves and hat, cuz she was just rllyrlly cool looking but i was super embarasssd abt any of it, i remember when my friend found out i felt lik dying

A song i listened to nonstop as a kid was nowthen by matt flinner. didnt have much understanding of why i loved it, but now i look back and im like "oh its secondary chords." i look at any song through my life where i resonate with it and its always secondary chords as the reason why i like them

So i see things like this taat dont seem to change and coupled with how i jost generally dont like myseof and thilk im weird and awkward and socializing alwys breaks down at some point, and im like "hrrmm. well. whatever ill be in the future, will probably just be me now, but more"

I think it will be a lonely life, but i was always one who veered towards being alone, my parents talk abt how easy it was to raise me cuz id go in my room and play with my toys by myself for hours at a time. and today i go home from work and i just stay in my apartment and go online, ive been in a couple relationships that lasted 2+ years when i was in highschool but thats been the most involved relationships ive had, i dont think i would be good in any right now even tho i rlly want to connect closely with someone, i think abt it all the time :33 but i dont think i can maintain that, i remind myself that im longing for a romanticized idea

So when im older i think ill be alone and half be okay with it, and half hate it but i dont think ill ever be like "this is unfair!" cuz i dont rlly have anything or anyone to blame, its just how i am rlly

[nahalism]

Have you ever beaten yourself down or felt defected because you couldn’t uphold a routine?

I am going through something like this now. I see people around me who, of course to varying degrees (but some excell in) getting their diet, sleep schedule, studying/working, exercising routine in check, having a plan. And whenever i try, for the love of me, i just cannot uphold it. I can’t be consistent, my brain just doesn’t work like this but i keep hearing that it has improved peoples’ lives so much, developing a routine and sticking to it. And i know me not having one is probably not in my favor (studying whenever i have the ”inspiration” to because otherwise my brain just shuts off no matter how i try to trick myself instead of regularly and smooth sailing through assignments as a result) can’t go to sleep and wake up at the same time every day INCLUDING WEEKENDS can’t eat regularly. So i try to improve myself and chase this but all it does is reflect to me that i am just not able to and it makes me feel even worse about myself. And i personally know people who ARE able to do all of that and i can see it pays off in so many ways, in their life. My thoughts get in the way, my feelings get in the way and they make me pretty much not functional for periods of time and i am not sure if these people experience the exact same „wall” and they consistently push through it or if maybe my wall is just a big higher and stronger than theirs sometimes. I feel like my brain is against me, truly. (Probably relevant to mention that i do have some mental problems overall which could be affecting all i mentioned and the way i function, it still feels so defeating to me)

such a long message, i am sorry. i hope you are love lately x

hey beautiful <3. my reply will be equally as long if not longer so no need to be sorry :)

yes. lol just, yes. ive been through the exact same feelings that you describe and even though i struggle less now, i struggle less only as a consequence of my ability to be kinder and more tolerant of myself, not because ive magically changed into someone different. — ill try to explain what i did to help but ill be honest, theres only ever been one solution for me which is to do the work. its hard, its lonely, no one comes to help, or to save you, they even stop pretend ing to care. people will try to support you, but despite best intentions may fall short or lack the capacity to give you what you actually need. so you have to be the one. you have to carry yourself over the finish line, often at the cost losing things, people and parts of yourself that you think you love and cant do without (its soul wrenching but worth the initial discomfort, i promise). every breakthrough is hard earned and often doesnt even feel like the cherry on the top that its supposed to be. so the only way to find the will to keep going is to enjoy the challenge of the journey and learn to love what choosing to 'carry your own cross' is developing in you.

1) the first thing i had to do was make that cross worth carrying for myself. not because id been told to do it, had to do it, or because 'self care' is important, but because I was priority enough to myself that i found the willpower to see it though. to make that possible i had to understand why i was my number one priority, and then make my actions reflect that. it sounds heroic but it looked like excavating my soul, saying no to anything i didnt want to do, and anything i did out of obligation. that included essays, exams, my job, friends, family. maybe that sounds extreme but i realised that all those things meant nothing if the person who was meant to be showing up for them didnt want to be alive/was in anyway unhealthy, or was so dysfunctional that they showed up as a semi sane version of themselves. my whole personality was a trauma response, and even despite the trauma i had to look at what i was doing to create the circumstances i was unhappy with. going from responding unconsciously to consciously choosing my actions was brutal. all of this sounds empowering but it often looks and feels shambolic & looks like being a fuck up. i literally appeared to the outside world like someone who had gone off the edge and was failing at life. for context, making the choices im talking about led to me retaking a year at uni, being a ghost to everyone and everything in my life, having panic attacks every night because despite feeling like i was doing the right thing i had no evidence it would work and no idea how id make it out & all this lasted for way after i graduated so people were looking at me crazy :). HOWEVER, its also how i learned to draw, how i restored my relationship with myself, how i found the passion and excitement to work toward a goals i had set (not the ones set for me). i also became confident for the first time in my life. like actualll self esteem and self knowledge. i hated being seen or perceived due to things id been through, and still struggle with that now tbh. so when i look at the fuller version of myself im embodying today, the multiple ways ive put myself outside of my comfort zone, (and the versions of me i know are to come) i know that the first steps began with following my gut and taking that initial leap of faith that honoured the truth of who i felt myself to be, not the pattern id been following/living in.

2) that first step is important cause when what you do what matters to you, you gain a different willpower (aka passion) that fuels what you do and why you do it. i spent my whole childhood with e.d's and unable to consistently work out/find working out pleasurable. however once i built a relationship with myself and understood what a body was and why it deserved my respect, working out stopped being about the pressure to be a fine babe, and about desiring mobility, full function of my vehicle and longterm health. i say that to say, sometimes its not that your undisciplined, but that your trying hard at the wrong things. (an undisciplined or inconsistent person doesn't keep trying at things despite failing time and time again...). another way to look at it is — a goat is not meant to be a sheep, nor a sheep a goat. theres nothing wrong with being either, but you have to know which you are. (this takes us back to point one: are the things you put pressure on yourself to do/be/accomplish, authentic to you or are you imposing them of yourself because of pressure/expectation/superficial reasons). if its the later, you cannot wait till you have the answers to change the direction your moving in. you have to pivot, take the next step in the direction that feels purposeful and deeply honest to you, and trust that even though you cant see the whole path, the next step will be revealed as you continue to walk forward. the mental illness doesnt go away, but it fades as your tolerance increases. its not meant to be easy, if you can remember that then you'll be okay.

3) you dont have to do it perfectly. you just have to do it. over time, ive had routines w/ varying success. my overarching interests, goals/priorities are the same, but they fluctuate which means i can struggle with consistency and seeing things through (not cause i dont want to be consistent but i feel like i change so rapidly as a person that i almost forget why i set certain goals for myself and why building the routine/proficiency in skill was important to me in the first place). in this sense, its hard to accomplish a goal if you dont relate to the version of yourself you were when you set it. so part one to this point is, i have to use my quirks to my advantage. i know that i tend to cycle through my interests every 3 months ish. so, i set goals that can be accomplished in 3 month cycles rather than over the course of a year. in doing that i achieve small steps toward the larger, more diverse vision of my life i have for myself, meaning i could have one goal - lets say financial freedom - and 3 projects over the course of 9 months that feed into that goal. this works for me because i know i can sustain deep focus over the course of those three months and so will accomplish what ive set out to do. — but whats key for you, is that you find out what works for you. if you start to embrace your needs and what makes you different, you can also embrace the ways it makes you and your approach unique and innovative. rather than a hinderance or a source of 'why cant i be like/function like everyone else'. ——— that leads on to the second part, which is learning to carry the good with the bad. e.g. — whilst the way i fluctuate makes me multifaceted, it also means that one month im focused on art (my style) & reading, the next i might be on philosophy and writing, right before i get back to gardening and portrait practice, then cycle back to learning languages or an instrument. that level of commitment to multiple disciplines means what could take me 3 months to accomplish if i had a single minded focus, gets dragged out into a year long affair. lmty, its almost as frustrating to make slow progress as it is not to progress at all. so sometimes i feel like ive come so far only to have achieved the bare minimum. ive had to learn to appreciate that slow and steady approach (rather than chasing immediate perfection which leads to burn out) and be grateful for the fact that even though its taking long, at least im moving in the right direction. eventually ill learn the skill of expediting each of my processes, but right now this is where im at. extending that kind of grace and mercy to yourself is the biggest part of this all. because if i know im not good at structure, and im specifically struggling with it at this moment, maybe i dont need to hyper-fixate on having a morning routine right now. maybe for the next few months, its not about doing yoga the moment i wake up (even if i know thats best for me) maybe i just need to do yoga at 'unspecified time today'. maybe i dont need to sleep at 10pm. i can actually start work at 10pm, and go to sleep at 6 am. as long as i do yoga, as long as i go to sleep, as long i *insert task*, that is enough for right now. infact more than enough, its a victory. so, work on your own schedule and embrace it. trust that you've set goals and failed before but that you are still here and still committed to getting it right next time, which means you are a trustworthy person who can rely on themselves to show up for themselves. the more you practice not giving up, the smaller the gap between your ability to take action, which means the greater your ability to develop the skill of routine. perhaps not a conventional routine, but routine just means habit. over the course of your life, you are building the habit of not giving up. or of consistently coming back to & developing skills you wanna build. that is the desired outcome, not the structure of how you achieve that, but the fact that you have achieved some form of taking action consistently.

last thing i want to leave you with is the way i see and feel you. you could have asked me anything, you could have asked me nothing at all, but you chose to ask me about how to improve your situation. in that sense, your words have betrayed what your will and your desire is. the things we desire today, dictate the person we become tomorrow, and so i know without a doubt that its not a matter of if, but a matter of when you achieve these routines, their outcomes (& so much more, you cant even imagine whats on the other side). <3. it takes a very special kind of grit and resilience to fail and to try again. you inspire me and remind me of the qualities that make humans truly beautiful, truly necessary and truly precious. so dont give up, dont go under. none of this is meant to break you, just pull out what is inevitable to who you are and what you are meant to be. it is going to be hard, but you are not alone even when you are alone, and when you make it out the other end you become a testimony for others, (& evidence that they arent alone either). keep fighting, i believe in you, sending big love & a big hug xx-xx

[justineps]

2023-2024 was the hardest, I almost didnt make it out because for the first time, I didnt bother to look around for hands or any reciprocations of help or guidance. I’ve been caring and relying on others for the first thirty years of my life, so I decided, that part of me needed to die. It had to. I did not know who I really was, what I felt, what to do with what I felt, is there a right or wrong? And it’s been two years, two lonely years, but I spent it all with no other than the person I definitely needed to, myself. No one when I was age 30 and earlier knows who I am, but I do. And as much as pain and suffering and even flashbacks of sobbing seeing nothing but pitch blackness surrounding me, especially when the person who gave you a chance to exist, ends up being the one to make you feel like its better off to not. Just writing this is .. honestly hard for me to do as memories and experiences of the past two years keep flooding my mind. I wish I was properly diagnosed with ADHD type: combined earlier in my life, because it explains a lot about me, and that specific type of ADHD is closely related to anxiety/depression disorder. In a sense, I was halfway diagnosed. I also had a feeling but dont want to get into it. I didn’t forcefully burn bridges with everyone, and in actuality, I hope that if I return to some bridges, some of those would still be there, but wont beat myself up if they were no where in sight anymore. Balance. Sacrifice. I cared for others so much up until 30 years old, even if it may seemed as if it were for selfish desires, it wasnt. I just really did not know how to express myself in a way for someone to understand me. Its been 2 years. 2 years. 2 years of being alone, not having someone to eat with, not having someone to talk to about an episode or movie I found amazing, which was the total complete opposite of what I was experiencing beforehand for the first time. I had never spent time with someone every single day of my life with someone so it was very raw and new to me, but Im sure on the other hand, it was an experience she was used to. We never really took time to try and understand each other, and sometimes I question if I really loved that person. And the simple answer to that was yes, deeply. It’s been two years, and the old me wouldve tried to go out and date or get my mind off things, but i realized id just be repeating the never ending cycle i always have been and would ultimately get me nowhere. Theres many things I wish I could say but I know many people would look at me the same despite not knowing where Ive been the last two years and it shows whenever someone reaches out (“You’re alive?! What the heck where have you been? “yes i am, barely made it but yes. Ive been.. i dont know and really hope you dont ever go there, but its nice to hear back from you too take care”) I’ve been writing in a journal, it helps me self reflect a lot and the main reason im not the same person I was two years ago, and despite whatever others may think, I feel like I am finally me, and although we live in the loneliest generation ever, I do hope one day someone or even someone I already know, sees me for who I have turned into, and if they are genuinely curious as to my past two years, I will simply hand them my journals and tell them I trust them enough to not feel any remorse for what I was going through, but moreso happiness and pride that I was able to, because in those journals, I sometimes even feel like Im reading a fictional book. My English teacher in highschool was right, I cant speak what I feel and want to, but if someones takes the time to read and listen to what I have to say, not how I say it, but the words and meanings of what I said, then they’ll be able to be one of the firsts to not see me as misunderstood. I’ll never forget when someone randomly went up to me, smelling like liquor, and told me “You know you’re just really misunderstood, but dont worry so much!” And he went off to the dance floor and acted like the fool he happily was.

Theres so many things I want to say, but I have to just move forward, it hurt when thinking my dream as a kid is most likely not going to happen at this point, but i take full accountability for where i am today, and where I end up after this.

Love,

JS

i been pulling myself out of dark places alone since i was a child. i’m built for anything

[crymea-river]

4/26/2024

leap years are for remembering

god sometimes i read the things i used to write on here or even in my old journals and i cringe (for lack of a better word) at how seriously i was taking things. this page is such a time capsule. i love it, im glad ive documented my feelings over the years but it makes me feel… weird. nostalgia is so interesting.

im having a really good and also strange time with (what i assume is) my adult brain. good bc i can trust my judgement better than i have ever been able to; things just make sense in an innate way now, a way that i struggle describe. strange bc i feel like i know myself less than i ever have but also way more than i ever have at the same time ? im the same person i was at 11 and 12 and 13 and 17 and 18 and 22, and its so crazy to me how different all these ages felt but theyre all me. they didnt really go anywhere, theyre all still inside me. i remember being 22 and still feeling relatively connected to my high-school-self but then just 2 years later i felt decades removed from her. and now i feel decades removed from my 22-year-old-self. the way i would reminisce on 2016 in 2020 is how im reminiscing on 2020 now. lol leap years are for remembering, i guess.

ive found myself reverting back to a lot of things i used to do and enjoy in adolescence. lots of silly topical things, like using pantene instead of all these expensive hair products ive tried over the years. i loved the way it made my hair smell back then and it made it so soft and who cares if it coats my hair in silicon or whatever ill just clarify it every few weeks itll be fine. im also finally letting myself enjoy things from back then that i was afraid to fully embrace for fear of being judged. thats a Huge fun part about getting older i’ve noticed, not caring what others think. id have told you back then that i didnt care about that, and on the surface i didnt. but it would get to me to some degree. i think my music taste from back then is a prime example of that (im not gonna elaborate i know what i mean).

i hope im making 11 and 12 and 13 year old me proud. and i want to tell 16 and 17 and 18 AND 19 year old me it gets better, but also to stop taking such trivial things so seriously maybe. life does not revolve around having a boyfriend (or whatever youd call those fuckers from back then). itll happen when its meant to and it will be so worth it. no one knows what they want at those ages. i barely knew what i wanted until it fell into my lap to be honest, and that only happened after i stopped yearning so hard for that shit and began TRULY enjoying my own company (and my friends’ obviously. love them). this is not where i wanted to go with this, i didnt want to talk about men. i think thats what cringes me out so bad about my old posts/entries, theyre allllllll (mostly) about bOyS. which was age appropriate i GUESS but idk it just brought me so much unnecessary stress lol. i learned eventually, and im glad i did so when i did.

all this to say im very happy. and peaceful. and i love the people i have surrounded myself with. i love being in love and i cannot describe in actual english words how thrilled i am that its with will. even 4 years into it.

being 26 is just so strange i think

[catgirlinfluencer]

at one point, i just started to feel really pathetic every single time i let people make me feel so sad, so small. i felt awful not just because of how i was treated, but because of the way it made me feel, too. being talked to like i deserve no dignity or respect, like that in and of itself is conditional, can be brutal especially when its your own family. and i hate, hate, hate, feeling like i just turn into a sad, pathetic bleating animal whenever i feel this. oh, woe is me, ive never lived with anyone who accepts me wholeheartedly and would never take away respect to me whenever they feel like it. who gives a shit anyways?

and really, that sentiment was the basis for how 14/15 year old me started to feel at that point in my life. yeah, people didnt love me. people found me annoying. i was ugly, weird, had 0 social skills, and barely qualified for being either a boy or a girl, so i was the weirdo. sp what? what then, huh? what do i do with that?

what ive always done. Nimodo. no other way around it. pick yourself up and be your biggest support. find refuge in yourself and the things that make You happy. you already know theres nobody you can count on, nobody you can really, truthfully rely on. nobody out here who could save you or would want to in the blink of an eye. alright, well, whatever. just keep going. what other choice do you have?

i used to think suicide was one of my choices. but i never actually went through with it. throughout the various points in my life where i ideated ending my life in exchange for an escape from a meaningless, stupid, and frankly ridiculous existence, i never actually took the steps towards it. ive always been someone whos had to self regulate, pull myself back from everything. i dont put myself out there, i dont try to be daring, i dont raise my voice and i dont end a conversation without a thank you or a polite goodbye. i guess part of that discipline showed itself when i wanted to end it all, but just didnt.

so its always just brought me back to square one... what do you do? you just have. to keep. fucking. going. no matter what. youre down? sad? life keeps going. time keeps passing through you and around you. nothing can change how you feel, so why mope about it?

i guess another way to phrase it is, i know nobody out here is ever going to be there for me wholeheartedly, so why even bother caring about that? ill put all my energy into loving being alone and by myself. its what i can make msot of it, at least.

a part of me still wishes this wasnt the case, of course. id give anything to change this all. to have friends who visit me, to not be the crutch or the punching bag for once, to just be me and be loved for being me. of course i wish someone out there didnt think i was annoying, or that my interests are weird. of course i wish i wasnt so fucking self concious every moment of my waking life, and that i didnt have to calculate or reflect upon every movement and sound i make. of course i wish i didnt care how my family isnt gentle, or that i always feel jealous or like an annoyance. i wish i had a full complete family, someone who was here for me always. i wish i never had to learn to be by myself always, or to expect nothing from anyone.

but i cant change it. so what does it matter?

[traumasurvivorshelpingsurvivors]

hi, i have a situation/symptoms that ive been dealing with that i was wondering if i could get opinions or guidance on.

content warnings for i think derealization, depersonalization, dissociation

ever since i was a kid ive felt like ive been living in the body of another person, like im living someone else's life. id have these moments where it would seem like i would "wake up" and realize that i was actually alive and living. it was like everything came rushing back to me and i felt like a whole other person watching my own life unfold. my name didnt feel like it was mine, my experiences and memories didnt feel like mine, and lately ive been feeling like i dont even know myself anymore. my name doesn't feel right, my gender doesnt feel right, my personality and the way i act and present myself dont feel right either. i feel like im pretending to be a person. im so confused and kind of scared, i dont know what's wrong with me. is this normal? is there a name for this experience?

- serena

Hi Serena,

I'm sorry about what's been going on. That must be very disorienting and scary.

I think it's fairly possible that you may be dealing with a dissociative disorder such as OSDD or DID. With these disorders, it's common to feel like someone else entirely, as different alters can have unique identities that differ from the body or host. It's also very common for these disorders to develop in early childhood, as it's essentially when your need states never fuse into a single identity due to trauma.

I would recommend just taking inventory of who you feel you are, and get a sense of what your personal identity is, regardless of what you've been placed into. What are your likes and dislikes, how do you identify, are there memories or experiences that do feel like your own and if so what are they, etc. It can be helpful to write these things down to help keep track.

Once you get a clearer idea of yourself and feel ready, then you may be curious to explore if there is anyone else inside. Internal Family Systems tends to be helpful for systems or others who have some level of multiplicity. A way IFS navigates introspection is by inviting a part to speak. You may find this meditation helpful, however I do just want to let you know that this can potentially be overwhelming if there turn out to be many parts that identify themselves at once. I also personally found that it was hard for me to fully follow this practice despite being naturally introspective, but I understand that everyone is different.

Additionally, I'm thinking of something that I can't remember the exact details of, but there is a method to get a sense of who fronts ("comes to") during the day by mapping out your feelings by the hour, and any drastic changes may be indicative of someone else getting close or fronting. Communication and visibility can be especially challenging as a newly-discovered system. As someone who has trouble identifying when someone else is near or fronting, I found this to be helpful.

If you have Discord I recommend the OSDD server as they can help with additional questions or tips on potentially being a new alter. You're also free to ask for specific mods such as Mod Night who have more experience in being a system.

If you can afford and access it, I strongly recommend looking into getting a therapist if you don't already have one, especially a therapist who specializes in dissociation or dissociative disorders.

Ultimately, it's important to be patient with yourself as you navigate this. Remember to practice self-care during this time. I hope I could help. Please let us know if you need anything.

-Bun