#it feel nice to do something for myself and it makes me happy but I'm still getting used it to doing it = v=)b
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Hii! Hewwo!!! Finally got the courage and an idea to get here haha. First of all I wanted to thank you for Tongues and Teeth. Like, really, big thanks. This fic got me through a pretty bad illness, and I found myself waiting for every new chapter. And, well, of course, it was an indirect reason for me even being here... I really enjoyed reacting on your fic in tags, and that, in fact, gave me the courage and impuls to post my own stuff. As for a prompt... Slay the Princess is happening at night, but rarely someone appreciated the stars. But they still were there. And in post-Tongues and Teeth they are there, too. I just thought it would be interesting to touch some voices' feelings and opinions when they are just stargazing. It could be about any voice really, or any group of voices, maybe you'll even explore them all - I would love to see it anyway :> Have a great day!!!
(Oh my God,you're so sweet!Thank you for liking my fic that much-I never expected people to actually be invested in my story.I'm really sorry that you were going through that illness,but I'm so touched that my story helped you get through it.I always love seeing your reaction to my fics-it's one of the things I look forward too!I love your idea and I hope you enjoy this,and that you have an amazing day!)
(This is post Tongues and Teeth)
It wasn't often that Contrarian liked to be still.He much preferred to be doing something that pissed one of the others-mainly Oppy-off.He liked keeping everyone on their toes,not knowing what he was about to do next-and no,he's definitely still not bitter from Oppy calling him predictable.Why would you think that?
But tonight,Contrarian was honestly happy to just relax with his flock,and stargaze with them all.
He couldn't remember who's idea it had been, probably one of the softer ones like Hero or Smitten,but eventually they all found themselves sitting out on the roofs of their bird houses at night, gazing up at the stars.
Contrarian never noticed how pretty the night sky was.Or did he ever even get the chance to,back in the Construct?Either way,it was nice to just chill out,take it easy,and look up at the stars-
"I don't see the appeal of this."
Well,not everyone felt the same way.
Contrarian chuckled,looking down at Cold,who was lying on his back and staring up at the sky in boredom.Cold hadn't seen the point in stargazing, but had still allowed Contrarian to drag him up here,and he had been silent ever since.
Contrarian had a feeling that Cold wouldn't particularly like this one activity,even if everyone had come out.He leaned back on his hands and asked,"No?You don't think the stars are interesting and cool to look at?"
"They're lights in the sky."
"Yeah,but do you think they're pretty?"Cold hummed in thought,before looking away as he replied,"You could certainly call them mesmerizing, if you were poetic enough."Contrarian snorted, knowing for a fact that Smitten has definitely described the stars as exactly that before.
"Mesmerizing doesn't equal interesting though," Cold quickly added,and Contrarian sighed,sitting up properly to tuck his knees under his chin."Yeah,I thought you'd say that,"he said,hoping to hide his disappointment in his voice.
He wasn't sure if Cold caught it or not,but he shrugged and looked back up at the sky."It was nice for a few minutes,but it doesn't make me feel much."
"Well not everything has to be about feeling something grand and overwhelming."He caught the flash of surprise on Cold's face,and then Contrarian's smile fell into a regretful frown.
This felt like a weird conversation to have,especially considering that himself and Cold were the known mischief makers of the flock.Contrarian just liked to do things that were fun,and his realm of fun had gotten a whole lot bigger now that they had their own bodies.
Cold was in that same boat,in which he could freely got out and find things to do that could potentially get rid of that numbness in his chest.The two of them spent most of their days discovering every fun thing that they couldn't before,not with that annoying Echo keeping them trapped.
He glanced back down at Cold,only to find him staring up at the sky with an empty look in his eyes. To anyone else,you would think that that was just Cold's natural expression,but Contrarian's been around him long enough to pick up the slight bitterness in his eyes,and he immediately felt bad.
He knew Cold had trouble with going about life without wanting something to make him feel something.He knew that in some ways-getting their own bodies had been harder to achieve that, because now Cold was responsible for everything that his body did.
What he chose to do,to hear,to experience,was all up to him,and sometimes his body and mind couldn't handle it.But the only reason it was difficult,was because the Decider wasn't here anymore.It was easier to want to feel something new,and block out anything that he deemed unimportant,when the situation involved whether to slay another person or not,and the horrifying consequences of it-all while hiding behind another greater being.
Contrarian sighed,then looked around at the other houses near them,and said,"I know this isn't your usual brand of fun and excitement."Cold just hummed in response,still not looking at him."But I think taking a moment to chill and relax is nice too."
"Easy for you to say,"Cold said,"you can be entertained by anything,and boredom can be easily fixed.You're not as...rigid as I am."Contrarian shrugged,looking back up at the stars."You never know until you try."
Cold huffed in quiet amusement,and Contrarian watched as his wings twitched and spread out and in-a surefire way to tell that Cold was getting restless,and was about to leave.
But Contrarian didn't want him to go.He wanted to be able to enjoy the loud and the quiet moments with Cold,without Cold feeling like it was pointless.
So he squinted up at the starry sky,until he grinned playfully,scooting closer and leaning down to whisper into Cold's ear.He pointed up at the sky and quietly said,"You know,if you squint,you can kinda see Skeptic's grumpy face in the sky."
Cold was confused for a few seconds,before he chuckled lightly,and Contrarian grinned in victory. Cold now had a soft smile on his face as he gazed up at the sky."You'll turn anything into a joke,won't you?"
Contrarian giggled,leaning away from the other bird now."Yeah,why not?Nothing's fun if everything's so serious all the time."
"But eventually even clowns get tired at telling jokes all the time."
Contrarian froze at Cold's empty words,before quickly turning to face him,and his heart twisted in guilt-something that didn't happen a lot,at the subtle sad look on Cold's face.
He thought Contrarian was getting bored of his own ways?He thought that stargazing meant that he was getting dull?
Contrarian would be offended if he didn't think this wasn't deeply hurting Cold,no matter how much the icy one would try to deny it.He thought that he was losing the one flockmate that could understand the way he thought and operated, leaving him an outcast in his own flock.
That wouldn't do.
Contrarian sighed loudly,then casually threw an arm over Cold's shoulders,which meant that his body was half bent down to even manage that,and even then,his arm was actually just circling the top of Cold's head.
He stayed in that position for a few minutes,until Cold eventually asked,"What are you doing?"
"I'm just-taking the moment in."
There was a small pause,before Cold then asked, "What do you mean?"
"Well,"Contrarian began,"it's such a nice night out, and it's rare that we're all doing something that isn't eating or having a meeting.I just wanted to take this moment in."
"Why would you bother with 'taking it in'?You could have moments like these all the time,and they'll just replace the last memory."
"Yeah,"Contrarian agreed,"but nothings gonna beat the first time you went stargazing with your whole flock." There was a fondness in Contrarian's voice that had Cold looking up at him curiously,but Contrarian took that moment to look up and around at the rest of his flock.
"There's just something-special,about moments like these,and it makes you want to stay there for as long as possible."
Contrarian's gaze went straight to Hero,who was giggling as he watched Hunted preen Stubborn's wings,and the preening appeared to be making Stubborn sleepy,to the point that he was struggling to keep his eyes open while laying on his chest. Hero smiled at them fondly,and started to pet the feathers on Stubborn's head.
Contrarian smiled at the sight,then his gaze drifted to the far left of them,where Smitten and Skeptic seemed to be utterly transfixed by the display of stars in the sky.Contrarian watched as Smitten excitedly pointed up at the sky,blurting out what was sure to be some sappy,poetic mess,looking over at Skeptic with pure glee in his eyes.
Skeptic actually looked quite calm and relaxed in this moment,matching Smitten's passion with a more calmer enthusiasm,gesturing up at the night sky and talking just as much as his counterpart was.
It was funny to imagine the conversation they must be having-a mix of lovey-dovey mush and innocent curiosity-but it also sounded very sweet.
"What's the point of dragging out something special?"Cold asked,"It's just going to make the moment boring more quickly."Contrarian made a noise of uncertainty."I don't think so.There's always something interesting to pick out."
He glanced over at their right,where Paranoid and Oppy were huddled close,talking quietly to themselves-probably the most unexpected and fascinating friendship to come out of this whole thing.
Paranoid-or Jitters,as Oppy loved to call him-was hugging himself for comfort,and had an anxious look in his eye as he spoke to Oppy,who was giving him his full attention,completely ignoring the illuminating sky above them.
Then Oppy smiled,in a way that Contrarian knew was hard for the other to easily do without fear,and softly draped his wing around Paranoid's shoulders, who's tense body instantly melted at the gesture, face wiped clean of stress,as he instead smiled and gave Oppy a grateful look.
Contrarian's attention was quickly snatched by the duo not too far away from them-Broken and Cheated.Broken had tucked his knees under his chin and looked to be in complete awe at the stars above him,and Contrarian wondered if he had found a new love to worship and submit to.
But then he saw the way that Cheated's attention was in no way on the stars-but instead on Broken. He was resting his arm on his knee,his cheek in his hand,and he had the most fond and lovestruck look that Contrarian has ever seen-that he truly believed that Cheated could give Smitten a run for his money.
He giggled and finally looked back down at Cold, who didn't seem so upset anymore,but instead was struggling to understand Contrarian's words."I don't get it,"he finally admitted,and Contrarian made a quick,sweeping gesture at their flock and said,"I'm just saying that-maybe this moment isn't for right now."
"What?"
Contrarian sat up properly again,and Cold was quick to copy him,determined to understand. Contrarian looked back up at the twinkling stars and said,"Maybe this moment is purely to look back on,to remember the soft times that made you happy.Maybe-maybe these are moments to make you feel warm in the future,whatever that may be."
Contrarian quickly glanced at Cold,suddenly feeling embarrassed at having talked so much without it sounding like a joke."I-I just like the thought of that as well.At being able to sit still,and still have good memories to look back on,with the rest of you weirdos."
He refused to look back at Cold,just waiting for the other to poke fun at or dismiss what he said.He couldn't decide what would be worse.
But then Cold hummed softly,scooting closer to nudge him with his wing."I suppose,"he quietly said, and Contrarian risked a quick look,"that you can sort of see Skeptic's grumpy face."
Contrarian froze,before he burst out laughing,and he even heard Cold's light laughter join in.
It ended being a perfect memory for Contrarian to cherish forever.
#slay the princess#tongues and teeth#stp voices#stp#my writing#stories#writing prompt#Once again-thank you for your kind words!#I should probably say it more but I ADORE your voice designs#And your art with Cold and Contrarian is always so funny and cute#The latest being Contra doggo-I was NOT expecting that but he's so cute and silly#stp contrarian#stp cold#voice of the cold#voice of the contrarian#stp dark comedy#Yes I made cheabroken canon in Tongues and Teeth what of it
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Hey- don't get mad, but I (kinda) didn't listen to your advice and a few things fucked (as expected) but I listened it halfly- like it doesn't matter rn but thank youuu, it helped
Btw it's Czesław.
I decided to listen to you and not change my name, because I love it and the name was given by my sister (who died when I was 14) anyway, I decided Americans are not worth it. Anyway, you looking it up to pronounce it right literally made me so happy, thank you (yes the pronunciation is correct, and sorry for the late update I wasn't planning on updating originally)
But I added a name, (Olive bc I realized I can name myself anything bc America is not strict on this topic, like what? You can name yourself after olive??? I chose it because it's funny in my language. It's like I named myself cheese or something, anyway.)
Then my Friend was like, "האם אתה טיפש" (it means are you dumb or something like that) so I added an r and made it Oliver- anyway, now I have 2 names- which was weird at first but still.
Then I learned it's a common name for trans people because when I told my name to a coworker she was like, are you trans???? And I didn't know it was common to change your name to Oliver- it's not a bad name at least, but Elijah was nice too.
Anyway x3, so I decided I don't like Americans much (no offense to you I love you xoxo) because I didn't want to change or add a new name much, but they were being rude and annoying, so I just gave up, it doesn't worth to correct them, i am tired. They Still struggle with my surname and first name, but it got easier now. And thanks for saying I shouldn't change my name for them, it helps when someone from us says that- it feels more real if it makes sense.
Thank you for your advice and sorry for the late update! And it isn't anything related but I got a boyfriend! And his name starts with 'cas'- so, fun coincidence for me!
I am still in the closet btw. and he is pretty!!!
Hi!
Don't worry, I'm not mad or anything lol.
And I'm not about what you said about Americans...a lot of us suck, ngl. I'm glad you're doing what's best for you <3
Congrats on your boyfriend! If you ever need to vent about shitty americans, feel free to use my inbox!
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husband.. I love him
#ash rambles 💚#kissing in the van 💍#k.yohei.. i never have the words for him#i think thats why i dont talk abt him as often as some others#but he's my number 1 guy and i love him with every ounce of my being and I'm so damn grateful i get to be his life and i just love him#so freaking much and being with him makes me feel like the happiest girl ever. being with him makes me feel so happy.#i never doubt myself or hate myself like usual when I'm with him. hes so comforting and warm and perfect and amazing and im just.. so happy#he's everything i could ever want and more#how lucky i am to have him as a husband#coming up on three years.. i adore him so much#i never have the words to describe how he makes me feel. no one really understands me like he does i feel. waking up in his arms every day#is the best. seeing his soft smile and hearing that deep voice... it's my favorite in the whole world. i adore him#he's always so caring and attentive and loving ajdhamdh#he's so gentle and loving with me. he's so supportive too. he really does fuel my s/i's love for nerdy shit and plushies. he's so kind.#and handsome too#sorry this is. really sappy#i just#ajdhajdja#he's so#sjdjsjdjhsjd#my husband... the way i feel towards him is just something else#i adore him. more than that even. he's just everything i never knew i needed. he makes me feel excited to keep going#he makes me feel like maybe i do matter. he makes me feel loved. cared for. he laughs at my stupid jokes.#it's still quite early for me and man.. waking up in his arms.. how nice#k.yohei i love you with all i am!!#ahem. okay I'm done now. back to The Usual Ash#i get teary eyed if i think about him too hard lmao. a lot of my inserts end up marrying their partners at one point but..#for me? there's only one man I'll ever call MY husband
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Red Eyes and Evil Time, practically the same thing right (Patreon)
#Doodles#Villainsona#Just Desserts#Sona double feature!#Red Eyes and Evil Time /are/ different for the record lol#There's overlap and they're both eye details but they're different#Mmm Red Eyes feels so niiiice <3 And I've been pacing myself so it's Just Red Eyes!#No red shines :) Which can happen even on Red Eyes#In fact it's probably more common - the red shines on Blue Eyes was something of an oddity#No one knows the lore except me I'll explain someday lol#For now it's just fun to be in Red Eyes! :D And the occasional Evil Time as well lol - all the overlaps!#I somehow accidentally made a like?? Cotton Candied Popcorn themed outfit for Eli for the first one lol that wasn't my intention#I mean it's cute I'm not about to fight it lol I'd love for my sonas to have other clothes inspired by each other haha#Eli's eyes are still quite fun to draw as well haha those bright pops of colour - Red Purple or Blue they're all so stark and shaped#Back to their classic feminine outfit good for them uwu#Silly lad#They're also still a scientist first and foremost - it's all chemicals there's gotta be a way to recreate it externally!#Local vampire scientist creates mood stabilizers more at 7 lol#I'm quite pleased with the three-red two-purple one-blue gradient as well hehe - the decay! :D I like it as a visual#Charm tiiime <3 <3 Happy Charm time in Evil Time! Usually better than bad mood Evil Time lol - at least for those around her#Still chaotic to be in it haha - but happy chaos is happy! Lol#Again more fun with eyes the light bounce in the one where she's holding the melt is so cute and looks so nice on my paper too <3#I had a silly comic idea for her for the next time I get into Red Eyes as well - if I remember lol#Big Love is hearts! It just makes sense#Also I am Really proud of the cleaning job I did on that last one lol - from original to this? Night and day ngl#Guess that goes to show how little cleaning I do on-page lol#For some I do! Others...#Still thinking up outfits - you can probably just make out ''Hero Charm'' in her hair lol trying to think around different themes#Something that could become something else! Add or subtract an element and it changes the ''meaning'' of the outfit#Kinda like her initial caped design that Kaiein rejected hmmm
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after careful consideration we have decided that everything is horrible and we're just too tired
#shrimp thoughts#genuinely the only thing keeping me from purging my entire online existence is the fact that it would be cringe. this happens every week#idk what to do to feel better about myself and my fanworks and my online presence n whatever. whenever i have a nice interaction or#something i make is well-received i'm happy for a second/day/hour and then it's all Okay But you realize that no one actually thinks that#Everyone Is Only Nice To You Out Of Pity. and cringing when you actually believe you're good at anything. &c &c#cool stuff cool stuff 超おすすめです
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.
#holidays have not been what i hoped for so far 😔😔#well the first week was good but then i got sick 😭#and it's been so awful#having a cough is literally the worst i couldn't sleep it was so bad#and i couldn't even enjoy doing anything really because you can't properly focus on the thing bc ur coughing non stop#i hate it sm#and today it was gone all day only that now it is back altough not as bad as before but still#it always gets worse in the evening#like help i just want this to end#what made it even worse i had real plans to study and now i barely got anything done 😭😭#and now i'm scared for exams bc i couldn't follow the plan altough i still have more than 2 and 3 weeks left#in my mind i already think i'm gonna do badly bc i need to study more i'm afraid#and i'm also upset at myself even though it's not my fault i got sick but i keep thinking i still could have done more ughh#to make it even worse i coudn't play tennis for a whole week and i was so looking forward to playing everyday (and improving) 😢😢#i couldn't do any sports or see anyone i miss it sm#i hope at least in the new year i can do stuff again 🥺#it was just the worst cold/flu and idk why whenever i get it it's that extreme 😵💫#or idk is it normal that you can't sleep bc of it ... i just don't wanna get sick again ever lmao it's the worst#i guess christmas was still nice it wasn't that bad then and it was a lovely day with my family :)#and our tree was really pretty this year and i'm really happy with my gifts and also those i gifted 🥰#the week before was good i did play lots of tennis and i went on a christmas market with uni friend and to vienna for a trip with my mom ^^#but maybe it was too much sometimes i wonder if i do something wrong or if it is just bad luck like i did train a lot#and i played a tennis match for my club and won against a higher ranked opponent so yay 😁#and i played really well i feel like i once again really improved my level :)) but i did play kinda sick already so maybe that was rly bad😅#maybe i should stop doing that 😅 but i didn't know it's gonna get this bad i just had the worst headache and sore throat#well ig i should have known but i also always feel like i have to play and i love matches and like my team needs me?#who else would have won that? i'm one of the best at my team and the others who are rly good weren't there that day so i felt responsible 😅#honestly my mom possibly she is also quite good but it would have been close and i wasn't sure so i played 😅#but i have done this too often by now... playing sick i really can't help myself 🤦♀️
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bone bandit enrichment for the soul and the mind, she is pondering the orb and admiring/entranced by a bracelet that loves very much as you can tell because her pupils are all big like dummy.
I wanted to share these as I don't draw much or at least much for myself nowadays but I was randomly spurred on by that dumb spherical dragon plush I reblogged (it was stuck in my brain/haunting me for a while too), and it reminded so much of bandit the more I thought about and then it led to this dumb silly drawing and other drawing is based off a bracelet one of good pals made based off of bandit (I had to draw it of course and bandit's reaction to it) but these were surprisingly nice to draw and might do this more often!
#the boss did something#bone bandit#and I can and will give her the world because she deserves it!#wow a very rare sight of seeing actual bone bandit like the dragon the original and not the human one as I haven't drawn og bandit in ages#once again I love bone bandit and she deserves nice things as that's least I could do for her :3#um yeah these are kind of indulgent and surprisingly very comforting/therapeutic for me to draw and I suppose this counts as self care?#it feel nice to do something for myself and it makes me happy but I'm still getting used it to doing it = v=)b
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If you're asking why I came back only to rb a billion PGR memes.
I'm plotting. Shhhh.
#lien speaks#I'll allow myself to talk about the project for a teensy tiny bit buuuut#I'm fandubbing PGR ✨#We've been at it for a week now wHOAAAAAA (casting call ended november 4th wHOAAAAAAAA)#But I've been working on this thing since July which is hilarious given I started this darn game back in June (chasing white hair male sigh#The project is going really well and I'm sO excited because all my cast members are AMAZING and I'm so glad I picked who I did for the proj#*project#It does feel really nice to actually be doing something that I want to do#like albeit I'm also balancing between this and my dayjob which my dayjob is extremely unstable and doesn't pay well at all (it lied :I)#So financial wise I'm Shit and stressed. but I haven't been this happy in sO long and it feels SOOOOOO NICE!!!#BEAT THAT SAD!!!!!! HAHAHAHAHAHHAHA#I know there isn't a lot of folks who care much for this over here which it's fine it's my blog I yap about whatever in life#but like. genuinely doing this and doing more of this hobby makes me unbelievably happy and I really hope I can keep going at it in the#future#the only thing is just balancing between two jobs basically to get paid properly and OURGHHHHHH#I hate existing.#I would talk more about it because it does make me very happy and excited but m( . 3 .)m then I'd /only/ be talking about that here haha#It matters to me and only me and it's nice to just log that joy somehow someway haha
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what do you mean my friends have a discord server without me. haha anyways i should die?
#okay#no thats okay#everytime i am asked by the people around me ‘don’t you have any close friends?’ and i hesitate for a long while#the neurodivergent struggle to establish meaningful connections with the people in your life!!!#like dang i really do not have anyone i can feel confident feels the same way about me#except maybe raiha. i love you li#even then it kinda feels like i’ve been a burden aaahhahh#therapy is so expensive and not as gratifying so i should go eat a nice meal once i’m done spiraling#holy shit i need to do busy myself so i don’t have emotions again#thank god i wont have to see anyone again after this#but that makes me a bit sad too#i'm always of the habit of cutting everyone off and leaving.. but it's not necessarily a happy outcome for me sigh#something something floater friend#god. they need to have a free trial on killing yourself
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i don't make resolutions, but if i did
it would be to finish this fic
(and to be kind to myself for however long it takes to actually do so)
#i'm finishing it if it kills me#i know i've been writing this makeout scene for 3 weeks but baby that can't last forever#if we want to get deep and dark and serious for a second i do think a lot of my struggles to write lately have to do with engagement#and how incredibly low engagement has been on the last few things i've written#which like. is what it is. i'm not entitled to anybody's time or comments or kudos.#but when you write stuff you're proud of and it feels like it's barely getting read it's hard to keep momentum.#this isn't intended as a woe is me or whatever it's just kind of like. there. hovering.#happens enough times you start to wonder if it's you. am i just writing for the wrong fandom/ship?#(too bad if so. they're in my bones i'm writing for them and no one can stop me.)#but yeah. if you ever wonder if authors do care or notice about hits. comments. kudos. buddy i am here to tell you#not only do we care and FLOURISH we also notice when those things drop off and readers vanish#and it is a giant bummer. and sometimes makes us wildly paranoid about why that might have happened.#so if you liked a fic today--not even one of mine. just. anybody's. share it. comment on it.#kudos at the VERY least (cuz frankly kudos is there to be an 'i got to the end and this was nice' feature.#so when you get 500 hits and only like 30 kudos? it feels like 470 of those people hated your work)#anyway. that got out of hand. lil' too raw lil' too honest. happens when you let yourself ramble at 11:30 instead of sleeping#to sum: let your local fic writer know if they've made you happy#and as we go into 2024 i am swearing to myself that this fic (and probably several others) are getting finished#come hell. high water. or dishearteningly low engagement numbers.#(and then maybe we...actually work on something original. cuz why not. new year same old me but i'll do my best.)
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All that trauma and bullshit and he still has the capacity to trust and have a healing journey?? To love? I think a lot of people don't fully grasp just how difficult that is
#bg3#astarion#seriously#speaking from experience trust is HARD#I have friends. Plenty. Do I trust them? to a point. I trust them in the sense that I love them and trust them to be friends#I trust them to be there for me - to a point. I trust that they're trying (maybe I just don't trust myself to be worth it??)#But I don't trust them not to hurt me eventually. I'm always preparing myself for that#and I don't trust them to keep me safe. Even when they're bigger or stronger than I am#I'm always prepared to get in front of them if something happens. even if I know I'll get hurt from it.#feeling that way is tiring. but its so hard to turn off#I don't think I've even fully felt safe with/trusted anyone I've been with romantically. Not for lack of trying#tbh I don't think anyone can make me feel safe#or maybe I just don't give people the chance to. I probably don't#in my defense tho someone I loved deeply tried to murder me several times SO I think it's pretty damn understandable to feel this way#anyway my point is its really nice seeing Astarion able to achieve these things#trust. healing. a happy ending. love#all those things feel insurmountable in the face of trauma#i need to stop rambling like this#q
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Since I've been settling back into Tumblr I keep thinking about the fact that this is where I did most of my writing. About all kinds of things.
I haven't really written anything in a couple of years. It started as a bit of burnout but got exponentially worse due to a very bad thing that happened. My therapist has been trying to help me find that piece of myself again. It's been lost for a really long time, and is probably a big part of why I have so much trouble being 'me' anymore, or even knowing what 'me' is. It's really difficult to like 'me' now. On the off-chance I actually do, I feel guilty for having done so, because I still haven't quite shaken the instinct that shouldn't like 'me.' I should be ashamed of 'me.' Maybe that's a big part of why my writing disappeared. I always really liked that about me. Writing would threaten my the paradigm where I can't and shouldn't like myself.
But I mean... I do really miss it.
I hope it comes back.
Maybe being here again will help with that.
#this wasn't intended to be a sad post but ended up being a very sad post#i miss being able to like myself#i miss being able to be proud of myself#i miss being able to feel like i deserve happiness or nice things#writing always made me so happy#and it's like i'm not allowed to have it anymore#it's off-limits now#it's not for a lack of things to write#there's so much i've wanted to do in the last two years#it's just#been gated off#i want it to come back#should i even put this in the 'writer things' tag?#because i'm sure as hell not a writer anymore#no matter how badly i want to be#all i have now are memories of writing#memories of being 'allowed' to write#but if i did that i'd like something about myself again#and if i'm not a good person i shouldn't like anything about me#and knowing all of this doesn't make a difference#it just makes it more frustrating#because i'm very aware of how stupid and self-destructive it is#but i don't know how to stop
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the way one of my friends offered to get people drinks. one of the others asked for a rum and coke, so i asked for a vodka lemonade n then they stood right behind me and went 'is olive allowed to drink?' it killed something inside me a little bit. like i wasn't episoding i've been responsible about my drinking recently don't take away my autonomy when i'm capable of looking after myself please. i know i barely can but don't. don't make this one of the few things people will actually talk to me for
#sorry but i just feel so isolated in the friend group#like no-one's leaving me out its just everyone is coupled up and the only other single people are in a qpr and go home together to watch#korra everytime we hang out and it kills that i'm the only one who has to go and be alone. everyone else skips off all happy and i'm left#to go back to my little den of depression and fight through the panic abandonment response that i get every time i leave them#but if i isolate myself completely i will be even worse. my therapist told me to make myself socialise as much as i can and i've been tryin#and it's usually alright for most of the time when we're together. like nice even if its heartbreakingly lonely and i dont have the spoons#to contribute consistently to conversations#vent#sorry i'm just. i feel like i'm falling apart slowly#catching bits as they fall and shoving them back into me but still deteriorating faster than i can fix myself#i want to stop.#i can't be a human anymore#i can study and live in literature but i cannot be human#i can't be loved.#i just want to beg one of my tutors to let me camp out in their office for a few hours so they can help me somehow do my essay#like. i can't do it on my own. i can't think enough to scrape up my memory of the books i'm writing about#and i don't have time to reread them to find quotes#i just. want to be a cat hiding under people's tables with the occasional pet from people who are kind enough to like my type of creature#but be left to sleep and do what i need to at my own pace#is that really so much to ask? can i become smaller please. take away this body of mine and give me something that fits the shape of me
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Wondering if I feel weird about jobs bc I have almost exclusively worked high stress high turnover jobs
#I'm the most senior tech in my pharmacy and i haven't even been there for a full year yet#i think i need to re-establish a work/life balance bc im just so tired. i need to let myself have my silly hobbies or SOMETHING#the extra money is nice but I'm really paying for it and i can't let this keep going#it's like. I'm seeing my friends get jobs and i wanna be happy for them but i think about how#when I'm out of work for a few days and I'm prepping to go back. I'll just sit on the edge of my bed and look at the floor#and think about how i do want more time to myself. to read. to draw. to not spend 8 hours on the floor#and that feeling comes up every time someone else mentions entering the workforce#it's an almost existential sort of dread for me#and let me be clear - i actually don't hate my job. people are another beast entirely but my actual job? not terrible at all imo#it just. takes a lot of time and energy and it makes me feel concerned for other people picking up jobs#but i mean. I'm also disabled in multiple ways and need more rest anyways; not everyone functions like me#but it's still a nagging feeling that comes back to me every so often U_U#shai speaks
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so the thing about this journal I got for christmas last year is: it turns out I actually (and somewhat to my own surprise) really like this soft cover leatherbound style-- but this paper is... difficult, and while it is very Aestheticque, and it was fun and good to work with it over the last year, I think I want better paper for my next sketch/ hodgepodge book. the PROBLEM is that this style of book construction is SO simple I almost feel that I must make my own from scratch rather than buy one, but that leads me back around to the same problem I've always had with making my own sketchbooks, which is that I dunno where to get loose paper I would actually like :'D
#I guess I'm also not sure where I'd get a big chunk of thick leather BUT that feels thriftable#if not something I could sacrifice aesthetic for to make it out of pleather I already own#I can IMPROVISE the cover but the paper is really important :')#the last time I made my own sketchbook I used canson multimedia paper and it turns out I Do Not Like It as much as I thought#.... although on the other hand maybe that would be just the happy medium I need#between Smooth And Nice fill paper I prefer for drawing and watercoloring on properly#and this very soft very toothy very very rustic recycled brown paper that I allowed myself to not worry about or take too seriously#which-- also-- I do actually like the color too. maybe a kraft paper...?#BUT ALSO-- the recycled paper in this is SO thick and soft it holds up really well to being in this style of binding#where maybe a thinner or more rigid paper would be inclined to wrinkle or tear...?#HMM.#hmmmm#I mean maybe I get another really similar one and take out the entire final signature of paper#and stick a bunch of loose Nicer Paper back there instead that I can slot in wherever as needed#about me
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Thinking about what happened in the summer
Kids are... Really different when it comes to spending three weeks without their parents
Some start crying near the end of first day
Some start crying after couple of days
And some don't show anything while feeling the same
And being... I think English has a good word for that, let's go with a teacher but mix it with caretaker a little bit
I think seeing a kid cry at the end of that first day finally short circuited my brain, teens are way harder to understand that pre-teens who are literally still kids
They come around after a week, settle down and find new friends and your job stays the same mostly to be the one controlling their behavior
And then you'd have a kid crying again, because they miss home and the only thing you can really do is comfort them that they're not stuck here forever and that time flows so fast they won't notice it
And maybe they didn't. Time really did flew and they were leaving
Parents visited kids sometimes, of course, and it was so scary at first but they were mostly friendly and nice
Maybe because of that group chat that let them see that their kids are fine and are having fun
In the end for kids it was painful at first, but fun in the end. I got hugged more times than I could count when they were all leaving
And then poof
Back to your own life you go, like nothing happened
#not art#irl stuff#some thoughts#Every time I tried mixing my 'usual' behavior with the one I had back in the camp it felt like adding acid into water in the wrong order#Because it didn't feel right and it felt right at the same time#Like I just suddenly got a brand new way of behavior all together and it was so different that I stopped recognizing myself#Literally I'd work all day without much of a thought head full of WHERE EVERYONE IS ARE THEY SAFE??? And then at break near night go 'huh'#And at first I tried desperately to catch the usual behavior and bring it back on the break#And it never led to anything good because I'm supposed to be fully like in daytime 24/7#I did that one sketch of silly guys to just keep at least something in my head aside from being fully aware 24/7 of every passing second#I still don't know if I miss that or not#It felt so nice to not feel like I have no goal in mind anymore#A goal of 'get to the end of this with all of the kids fine and safe' without ever swearing or making them feel threatened was... Exhaustin#I never became some super sweet person to know so I did what I knew best - talked a lot telling about the things they liked#And if a kid is curious being interesting by telling stories that they didn't know about the things they liked is a way to be liked#Most of them probably forgot about me existing there but some probably didn't and would return next year again#Honestly I don't know why I failed so many exams when becoming a teacher is the only thing that makes me truly happy now#And super tired because THAT'S WORK and it's exhausting as hell some kids love to fight and you need all your diplomacy to work with it#Maybe that's just me missing my time with siblings when they were little I didn't get much time being a good elder sibling to them#I can't associate this work with becoming a parent for a month because I'm still not so different from those kids#Like... I've literally have been told by older kids that they mistook me for a teen like them#Excuse you but I'm like 7 years older than that#It was funny tho because I was considered a bit closer to them all instead of being a big bad grown-up#Yet some kids despised me because of that in the first group because welp not being an authority figure sucks#That being my first job sucks even more because I had no idea about the unspoken rules while everyone had aside from me and mom#Second try was way better because I knew exactly what I had to do even if I was terrible at making us participate in dances and songs#Thankfully it started raining and don't you dare let kids get cold from being in the rain at night that's just ridiculous#So it was like we had a slumber party with me letting them watch GF on my laptop and read some comics#It was way better than being forced to look at the other groups winning all over again. Kids disliked losing so many times in a row#And in the end the things we planned weren't exactly enough but when they were kids were happy and I was happy because we put so much effor
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