#it comes off as every guilt trippy which is just not fun

[just-a-whumping-racoon-with-wifi]

Therapist anon!

I just end up stealing Brody. Oops.

Hehehe yes.

That’s why Mason doesn’t often play the good guy! Because the owner needs to come in and be the good guy and the pet never want to return to the trainer again.

(I’m gonna start messing with you anon. all in jokes and undying appreciation to you for enjoying my little stories)

Also Brody overheard you. He is very scared you don’t actually want him and will give him back to Mason.

After you saved him? 🥺 now you don’t want him? 🥺

[am-i-the-asshole-official]

AITA for not responding to someone in rp?

📝 <- to recognize

Also disclaimer this is about to be a very low stakes problem about a very small rp server between friends. If you don’t care then don’t read it’s fine 😂 I just want opinions over something I have some anxiety about. Everyone is in the same age range of about 24-26

Ok, so: basically what it says on the tin, I’m in a small rp server that has nothing to do with fandoms it’s just OCs, mostly dnd stuff. It’s just between me and a couple friends, there has been no serious drama whatsoever and it’s very nice!

We recently added a new member (I’ll call him Blue) who doesn’t have a lot of characters yet, but the handful he does have are… well. Practically all the same character. They have different backstories but all the same personality, which is to say they have none.

Every character of his is entirely neutral all the time, but not as some sort of comedy bit, just as… they are all very Prim And Proper, very intelligent, very unwilling to react to anything at all. No strong emotions about anything even when faced with something extreme like a villain or even a non-evil crazy event. We like to have fun and throw wild dangerous or just funny circumstances at our characters, yet his characters essentially always go 😐 “Well. That happened. Anyways.” And brush it all off… unless Blue thinks he can be The Savior of the day. But if he can’t just shut down the whole event, then his characters go back to being totally checked out and uncaring about any of it. He explains this saying that they’re all used to this kind of thing (though their backstories do say otherwise) and one of them is a god so he especially doesn’t need to react to things.

None of this is really the end of the world, it just makes interacting with his characters very difficult for me and a few others. For instance if I throw a villain in for the day, it’s… kinda hard to actually pose a threat when you have a handful of characters just standing there reacting like they’re on The Office. Similarly it’s harder to form emotional connections between characters if one oc pours their heart out and the other says “Well I’m sorry for your experiences” and brings nothing else to the table. There have been a couple instances as well where my friends and I worry that we’ve upset Blue with how our characters react, but like, if one of ours is a naturally rude and antagonistic person, they are going to be rude and antagonistic. Nobody else has a problem with this bc we all do it for variety and sometimes it’s fun to have a little oc drama! But Blue will have his characters react in a slightly guilt trippy way and then just go silent, sometimes explaining or even complaining out of character that their oc was Just Joking or similar. He hasn’t expressed being upset to us and nobody has had an argument about any of this, but the vibes end up feeling… off.

All of this just makes it hard to interact with Blue’s characters. They’re all The Same, they don’t really involve themselves with the rp in a way that garners reaction, and personally I overthink and worry about possibly upsetting him since we’ve all seen how weird things feel after 1 Antagonist Character says 1 Antagonistic Thing. So if I respond to his characters, I tend to respond more blandly than I do with others. Similarly, he has taken to proposing hypothetical ideas about rp and character interaction and then when I don’t immediately have a good response, he tags me and asks how my characters would react to his. I try my best to respond, really, but because there’s nothing there to bounce off of… it’s hard to come up with a good response! And if the response isn’t good enough Blue seems disappointed with it and just drops the whole idea altogether. This is mainly what fuels my anxiety about it, thinking that I’m not doing good enough while also not being given anything good to work with either.

To be clear I do not think he is being an asshole, At least not on purpose. I think there’s a lot of factors that could explain this and it’s honestly not a crime to just not be “good” at rp. What I’m wanting opinions on is should I be trying harder?? I worry that my effort has been affected by a growing distaste for his characters. He’s a lovely person, I have no beef with him lol, but I think it’s gotten clear that I respond more enthusiastically to the others. It’s not intentional, but it’s what happens bc I feel bad ignoring him altogether especially when he tags me specifically for a reaction. I also don’t know if the classic “omfg just communicate” response is very applicable because honestly I think I WOULD be the asshole for messaging him and saying “hey it’s not that I don’t like you it’s just that your characters are not fun to interact with, fix that!” Even in nicer terms than that haha cause in general offering unsolicited constructive criticism even with the kindest intentions is seen as a bad move.

So… AITA for not responding to Blue as much or as enthusiastically as I do for my other friends? Should I be faking it til I make it or does it not need to be an issue until it becomes one?

TLDR: new member of a small rp server joined and all his characters seem to have no personality and are all the same Perfect Intellectual type. There hasn’t been any serious problem but it is hard to interact with them and I am tending to lean toward bland responses bc I don’t feel like I have anything to work with here. Should I be trying harder or is it not a problem until it’s brought up?

What are these acronyms?

[dawnleafs]

Shark Infested Waters

I consider myself a fairly quiet person who has an aversion to conflict. But at a point in my life, being on edge and getting into conflict was all I'd ever known. I once had a friend. A dearly beloved friend. A friend whom I was willing to give the world for. A friend I was glad to have by my side, because I believed I had no one else. Because I thought I had no other choice. It was either him, or no one. And I didn't want to be friends with no one. I didn't want to be alone. No matter how much I deluded myself into thinking I could be fine alone. And yet. It was with this so-called friend I had never truly been more alone my entire life.

While the years have long passed by and I am busy juggling much more important, adulthood manners, I keep finding my mental state fixated on this point of time in my life. This time in my life in which I was a young high schooler who just wanted friends, but struggled to find solace among my peers. So naturally, like the huge ass loser I was, I turned to the internet. And it was in my countless days of lurking about the internet and slipping into spaces I probably had no real reason ever being on, with people coming and going in my life, I met him. FutureDiarist, SharkDiaries, SharkYGO, whatever the ever-loving FUCK this dude goes by nowadays. Skylar is his name. And having a friend like him? Who needs enemies?

I had written about him once before on a past blog. Through some… Shenanigans, shall we say, that post had been lost to time. Not even trying to access the post through the waybackmachine yields feasible results. But like the scars in my memory, I hadn't forgotten to keep a backup. Do I have horrible coping mechanisms for my anxiety and trauma? Probably. But I don't want to be quiet about this. Not anymore. For how much Skylar and his current boyfriend may want to "leave things behind", it's not so easy for me nor any of the others who have been hurt. For as long as this keeps haunting me, I'll haunt back.

Every now and again I find myself relapsing, after going so long just living like a half-normal functioning adult, my mental health takes a nose dive. Everything's going nice and dandy, but then suddenly, it hits me. And whenever thinking about Skylar is at the forefront of my stress, I can't help but wonder how lucky and how stupid I must be. When I am reminded of him, I just spiral into a smoldering rage. It just keeps coming back, no matter how many times I block his accounts, mute things even related to his interests that trigger those memories, the anger just keeps coming back. The pain of having someone I thought was my one and only friend in a hostile cruel world when he was perhaps the worst person I could have possibly had as a friend.

I was just a lonely high-schooler willing to spend time with anyone who would be with me. He took advantage of my naivety and loneliness. I was so blind to his methods of manipulation, as an impressionable, desperate kid who longed for somebody to connect with. And connect we did. Roleplaying, video games, just chatting. It was probably early 2011, maybe earlier. While a bit standoffish and childish at times, Skylar was still someone I considered my closest friend. We roleplayed on chatango, roleplayed on tumblr, chatted over Skype. However, things were a bit… Off. He was clingy, sure. A little too overbearing at times. But what took things too far was how passive aggressive he was. How he, whether he realized it or not, demanded all my attention.

With regards to roleplay, he would occasionally pivot to questions of a sexually charged nature. Being the dumb young teen I was, there were times I fed right into it. I had no idea what I was getting myself into, just the thrill of sharing another common interest with my supposed friend. But there were times where he was very guilt-trippy about it. Like I owed him something. Like it wasn't something we just did every now and then for the fun of it, but something he deserved, something I had to provide at his beck and call. And when I didn't give him his way? Or if there were times I was too busy to even respond within a timely manner? He would turn on a dime and berate me in ways most vile. Acting like I was ghosting him intentionally and threatening to harm himself just to get my attention… Or egging me on to enable my suic-dal ideation. He knew I struggled with thoughts of self h-rm and suic-de and ENCOURAGED me to go through with it. I had come so close to pulling through with it, too. He really messed me up. He shattered my trust with just about anyone following that time. I still shudder thinking that I applied to the same college he was attending at the time, and wonder if I would even still be alive if I had gone through with it.

As if it wasn't bad enough, this man, Skylar liked creating sock puppet accounts. By the dozen. Hundreds, maybe. Who knows? He'd put on a persona and pretend it was someone else, but hindsight is 20/20. It's so painfully obvious that he pretends to be other people, it's so obvious that he pretends to stage anonymous hate mail being sent his way, it's so painfully clear that he tries every which way to paint himself out to be the victim, because he can't fathom the idea of having genuine friendships built off of trust rather than lies and deceit. I recall one time, when my tumblr RP phase was hitting hard, he accidentally sent me a message logged into the wrong account.

Skylar flipped out, when this account I wasn't even sure was him, turned out to be him on an alt. He repeatedly insisted I delete the post and speak of it to nobody. Because yeah. I'm sure he'd want to sweep that one under the rug, when that same account he'd use to harass other users in that community circle of roleplay could be tied back to him. He'd also probably like for me to forget about the time he needled and prodded me for some fanfiction between his self insert character and some League of Legends character. Or how often he roleplays. With himself. On different accounts. And I'm sure he'd like for me to forget when he even claimed one of his sock puppet accounts died of cancer. Or how his sock puppet accounts on skype were conveniently not logged in at the same time until I showed him a video tutorial to have multiple Skype clients open at once.

I'd love to log back into my skype account and skim through the chat logs for some real bangers of shitty behavior he's pulled through, or even the chatango logs, but I can only imagine they're lost to time and at some point it's not even worth the agony anymore. I don't even have my laptop from back then on hand anymore.

And now as I look into myself and the person I've grown up to be since those days in my high school years I just can't help but shake the feeling that I am no better than he is, that I'm more like him than I realize, that I'm not a good person either. And I strive every day to be the best me I can be and shake off my horrific attitude. I know I'm no saint, I know I've had my moments of being a downright prick, but I keep having these nagging thoughts that I'm just like him that I deserved him with every selfish bone of my body, that being the puppet under his control was the universe's way of punishing me for being just as vile deep down to my core. And when I think I've taken back control of my life and he has no hold over my feelings anymore it just keeps burning and burning until I turn green in the face from nausea. The pain just isn't going away.

He wants to move on so bad yet he hasn't truly held himself accountable nor shown any real sign of changing.

So Skylar, keep complaining about your past catching up to you. Keep complaining about your bans or account deletions on wherever you crawled into. I'm so sorry you couldn't afford an ounce of human decency to your dear friend. And I'm so sorry I got into drawing art AFTER we were friends. I'm sure you would have loved taking advantage of that just as much as you enjoyed taking advantage of other artists. How you'd love to beg for free art but then in the same breath decry those who get close to artists for free art. I'm quite sorry indeed. He can speak in fruitful platitudes about how he wants to leave the past behind but he can't ever truly change because his behavior shows me he feels no remorse for what he has done, simply that he has no more direct control of those he's victimized. But in a way, he still has a less direct control with how I can't let go of the pain that haunts me. How because of him, I'm less trustful of everyone I call a friend. Because of him, I feel like I have to put on a fake smile and pretend everything is okay. Because of him, I feel guilty of wanting to spend time with those I care with. Because of him, I am constantly reminded that I am not as smart as I believed I was.

Trying to add me on discord after I made my first "callout post" and then trying to befriend me when I told him to his face I despised him, that sure was amusing at the time. I'm pretty sure he deleted that account by now. But he sure is a piece of work for thinking I would ever forget what he's done. If I were to ever forgive him, it wouldn't be for his sake, but my own. I'm still hurting from all this, after all. I still struggle at night with believing that I'm not good enough, that I deserve everything wrong going on. But no. He's truly, beyond toxic. An abuser through and through.

All the people I've seen, saying that they too went through some shit because of him, only makes me regret not saying anything in the first place. Especially while everything was fresh in my mind, and not just tear-stained memories of a friendship that could have been. I'm in a much better place now than ever, even if I do struggle sometimes. Skylar once said that he was so tired of my self-pity that he would beat the shit out of me until I smiled. Well, now I can smile without that childish threat looming over my head.

I do not condone encouraging anyone to inflict self h-rm upon themselves. It's beyond despicable. Harassing Skylar is no better than the bullshit he's inflicted upon myself and many others. It would take some kind of miracle for this grown manchild to truly realize how rotten he had been and make a change for the better. Because he never has, and likely never will.

It's up to you to determine if you think I'm a trustworthy narrator. If you're reading this far, you either scrolled all the way to the end to get some tl;dr on this bullshit, or you might be humoring the idea that I have something worthwhile to say. I'm really just venting and rambling in circles about my thoughts in the passing years since burning bridges.

[adelaidedrubman]

What was Jess doing/thinking during her first visit to the Bliss and jumping off the statue of Joseph? (forgive me if this is or isn't in her canon, I'm still catching up with Wildfire)

ALL GOOD BB THANK YOU FOR ASKING AND FOR READING AT ALL. it in fact very recently (last chapter) became part of her official/published canon, so below cut in case anyone is looking to catch up and doesn’t want it spoiled!! (and because it’s a really long answer, sorry about that as always don’t feel obligated to read All Of That. tried to keep it vague and mostly director’s commentary tho.) 

so jessie’s first official trip to the bliss (as a fully hallucinated “place” that is, she’d had lower level bliss exposure and implied intoxication at several points prior in the fic) was sorta nestled into the “blow up joseph’s statue” mission. long story short what was running through her mind was essentially: 

she’s exploding that man and having a blast. she’s making funny commentary to herself about it. she’s not high even a little bit. those butterflies are annoying and she’s a little nauseous, but mostly she’s all good and having fun! she’s especially loving burning joseph’s book! 

then comes the turn, all at once — local woman pays attention to what she’s doing long enough to realize she’s burning a book filled with biographical information about john seed, something she’d previously tortured a man and retraumatized several john victims in order to pry for. at the same time she’s trying unsuccessfully to salvage the book (too uncoordinated due to bliss to do so) (something something can’t put out every fire once you start it, haha metaphors) and just drops it off the statue instead as faith says her “what have you done? don’t you understand what he’ll do to me?” line from the mission and jessie’s officially in Full Bad Time Freak Out mode.

she spirals into hallucinating a conversation with her deadparents that bleeds into her most traumatic childhood memory of seeing her mother abused by her father. then transitions into a confrontation with sleep paralysis demon john to emphasize like. oh no the weight of it all wrt her survivor’s guilt tied to other people being hurt in her place and her prioritization of and emotional intimacy with the man terrorizing hope county….. bro the rammys of her actions….. 

from there it’s officially faith time at which point jessie is thinking “things are suddenly good and chill now.” they chat a bit for which jessie is mostly nonverbal and Just Laying There but still feels an artificial sense of closeness and trust with faith due to the bliss — until the point faith makes a remark about things “not needing to be difficult” and jessie suddenly remembers who she is and that not being difficult Isn’t Her Heart (callback to last chapter john saying audibly lovestruck she’s difficult about absolutely everything), manages to move and makes an unsuccessful attempt to swing on faith. 

trippy stuff happens, jessie realizes the statue is still there and faith guides her off of it into the canon Leap. apocalypse visions and The Horrors, it’s implied another person falls with her who she sees as a shifting multi-person amalgam hallucination. she passes out, implied sleep paralysis return to consciousness during which she thinks she’s actually paralyzed and dying from the fall. notices john’s watch which she’s been wearing is undamaged and relaxes a little, back to sleep. (callback to earlier chapter when seeing john asleep beside her chilled her out during a sleep paralysis episode) (despite the horrors, she learns nothing! still emotionally prioritizing him!) (nothing will happen later to reemphasize she should in fact stay examining her guilt about that don’t worry!)

while writing it i sorta tried to play (idk if it was successfully) with time distortions and imply that the entirety of the hallucination could have Real Time taken place in the few seconds it took her to Realize Things and drop the book and was just this drawn out nightmare of every repressed thing running through her mind in the instant that it happened. 

tl;dr: she has a bad time. she needs a vacation from this vacation! 

[backatitagainathamburger]

personally i could not get through gilmore girls after watching rory cheat on dean, especially the scene at the window when she apologizes to him for cheating on him, and saying he was a good boyfriend, and she really did love him, and that it was all her fault, and how she hopes he eventually won’t hate her anymore because this was the exact rhetoric that my abuser said to me time and time again every time I tried to break up with him, “for good this time.” And I would always come back because of these guilt trippy lines.

And personally, I really fucking felt for dean when he’d start yelling at her about how she was being shady and clearly fucking around with other guys while they were still dating. Because it felt like he had the audacity that I didn��t. That I wish I’d had. I wish I was able to stand up to him sooner. I wish I’d been able to break up with him publicly, exposing him for the piece of shit he really was. So it always pissed me off to see people call Dean’s behavior abusive. It always feels so victim blamey to me. What victim doesn’t have a revenge fantasy like that? I’m not gonna say these accusations are completely unwarranted, he does yell a lot and as the child of a father who yelled at me a lot growing up!! Not fun!! But imo he was COMPLETELY justified for the way he broke up with her publicly.

My opinions about rory herself as a character have changed a lot over time, I’m not completely anti-rory anymore, having watched different video essays about her character. I think the idea that she is a mirror of her mother who will fix herself later in life after having her kid like her mother did makes a lot of sense and I don’t think she’s completely unfixable. She was a dumb teenager and it was her first relationship.

But people are willing to give so much slack to Rory and none to Dean whatsoever. She was only his second relationship and his first was off screen and he clearly had no lingering feelings for her which leads me to believe it wasn’t that serious. “If you could tell she was drifting away, just break up with her.” If you can tell you’re not into him anymore, just break up with him? I’m not saying either is more responsible for breaking up with the other, just that yall should be reasonable and acknowledge that they were teenagers and basically in their first relationship. Rory is not a saint and Dean is not the devil and vice versa. Obv I am biased towards dean tho

I’m not gonna excuse his behavior with Lindsay tho. That shit was egregious lmfao I wish the writers had never done that. Straight up a character assassination. Like Rory’s a fuckup but I think she could come back from the stuff she’s done but Dean? Dean having a wife and children and being in a loving family in the epilogue series made no sense to me whatsoever.

[eventually--darling]

There's nothing wrong with complaining about notes though? Nobody really creates only for notes. They love something and want to share it with others, and it's disappointing when nobody cares about what they love. It's probably good that they are complaining because they will likely keep on creating after the vent. Just block them if they annoy you that much, but you'd miss the chance to support them unless you think they are lesser and unworthy because of the note complaints. You also can't really deny the popularity aspect of tumblr. Popular blogs will get thousands of notes while unknown ones can struggle to get even 100 within the same fandom. I bet half of the gifmakers that don't complain run more established blogs.

I think you're extrapolating a lot from my own little vent post lol

Speaking generally here, I don't think people ONLY create for notes, I just think that there's a very strange preoccupation with getting a lot of attention for your work. Which like. I get that. I wish more people would pay attention to mine sometimes, and it can be disappointing if I've put a lot of work into a gifset but it doesn't seem like many people care. But I think that the notes I get are very proportionate to the current popularity of whatever I'm giffing, so I usually go into it with realistic expectations. And I mainly do it because it's fun! So it's fine with me if it "flops." Still, I absolutely see the appeal of getting a lot of notes lol. And it can be very perplexing when it seems like you did everything right but your post doesn't get any attention.

I just don't know what ppl are expecting half the time. Even for a more popular fandom it's nobody's fault if YOUR post doesn't get much attention. The tag is probably just very full, or you didnt post at the right time, or you didnt use the right tags (though I've heard the tag feature is kinda busted. Idk if that's true or not tho), or any number of factors. And that can suck but it's not like there's a targeted attack against you.

A lot of people also make their vent posts super guilt-trippy, which is where I think my problem with it truly lies. It's not just complaining about notes, it's making people feel bad about... What exactly? Not reblogging a post they didn't want to reblog? Not engaging with something they're not into? Being offline and not seeing it? What do you want from them exactly?

Even popular blogs complain, which comes off as even more entitled honestly. They probably do it less often but I haven't kept close track. Also... They get more exposure for the same content as a smaller creator bc that's how having a high follower count works? so idk what your point is?

I think it's fine to complain every once in a while if it frustrates you. Whatever. My personal rule is that I won't (saving once or twice bc I'm human lol). This person was doing it too much for my taste so I just unfollowed them. I still like their content so I'll just reblog it stuff separately.

[inosukeslefttoe]

SO i just finished wonder egg priority and i think that with confidence i can say it has been one of my favorite animes like... ever ?? and not even from hyperfixation or obsession over it just... its so fucking real yet so simple in a way that i havent rlly seen shown in any other shows you feel ??

but first i wanna talk about how sexy the art and animation is real quick... HOMIE ITS SO GOOD LIKE EVERYTHING ABOUT IT JUST... serotonin... the characters are all so unique and iconic and fun but not over the top in their designs yknow ??? they seem like regular every day girls but they stand out and theyre all sO CUTE !!!! also i love how the style is like this soft bubbly slice of life lookin stuff with bright happy colors and the most beautiful scenes you could find but they also have the SICKEST fight scenes complete with whimsical animal helpers and terrifying villains and crazy weapons unique to each character. and the animation. god DAMN shawty i am obsessed with everything in this show. i might make a post solely about the art later lol bc i wanna get into the other stuff.

so the themes in the show right ?? it starts just as this cute lil magical girl kinda deal but within the first episode we see that like.. oh damn... thats kinda heavy... tbh i was a little shocked and thought about stopping bc yknow bad mental health BUT i was so intrigued that i had to keep going and i am SO GLAD that i did. because this show just so beautifully discusses all these heavy topics in such an eloquent and artistically expressive way. and also like, , the juxtaposition of the charming childlike vibe with bright colors and 14 yr old girl protagonists against the dark themes of suicide and so much else,, i think is just perfect. bc a lot of heavy animes are more of the seinen genre and have some middle aged dude as a protag or make the entire color palette dim or offer little relief to the pain of these heavy themes right ?? but NO not wonder egg bitches B) because these problems arent just things that ppl face later in life or just problems that need to be talked about among adults or the edgy seinen watching squad,, these are REAL problems that face people of every age, gender etc and i think its awesome that wonder egg addresses that. some may cringe at the thought of their high schooler watching animes that discuss sexual harassment, suicide, abuse, self harm, eating disorders etc,, but in reality it is the most comforting thing i have ever come across and is basically jsut free anime therapy. because not only does wonder egg present these themes to the viewers as something real that happens to all kinds of people (making said people feel heard in a way that maybe they hadnt before), but it also makes sure to vanquish all of these forms of trauma. and the way the trauma is vanquished isnt always beautiful and it isnt always just magically gone with a poof. the struggles of overcoming or living with that sort of thing are shown in such a real and relatable way that addresses every hardship trauma survivors have to go through. and i just. god i cry bro. 

oh m y GOD and the lgbtq+ rep in this show ?? like shawty... as soon as i saw episode one i was picking up on some gay/lesbian themes but then again im sapphic and project that a lot so i tend to see that sort of stuff like... everywhere... but NE WAYS... episode ten made me FUKCING CRY BRO LIke i cant believe there was a whole trans character with a whole trans pride hoodie like LKGHKDGH my heart is just so.. so fucking full thinking about him. bc like yeah i know there are trans characters in anime but i feel like theyre always very ambiguous about actually being trans or not or erased or portrayed as a harmful stereotype or theyre constantly misgendered and still refered to as their assigned gender at birth and i hate it. HOWEVEr... Kaoru.. *chefs kiss* it was so amazing to see a character straight up say “yeah im trans” in such a casual yet powerful way bc i personally have never seen that before. and i love love loved how he went into his backstory and talked to momoe about gender bc i think thats what she rlly needed and that it helped her find herself and it makes me so happy oh my god,, and the way they talked about it never seemed forced or like it was the focal point of his existence yknow ?? like yeah he existed to help momoe overcome some of her trauma but he also just existed to be HIM yknow ?? also... personally, i headcanon momoe as a trans girl even though i dont remember it being explicitly stated plus the school scenes of her and stuff would seem like they suggest otherwise ??but,,, SHAWTY THE AMOUNT OF SUBTEXT and her complicated relationship w gender is... something i feel like a cis girl would not go through so harshly yknow ?? with all of the questioning and feeling detached from femininity or feeling like ppl dont see her as an actual girl and only like her as a guy or for her masculine traits,,, but dont take my word on this bc i myself am a cis girl but that was just my take on it as someone in the lgbtq+ community trying to educate myself on the transgender community :) either way,, wonder eggs portrayal of momoe and kaoru and the way that momoe becomes so passionate about expressing herself the way she wants to as a girl is just... good lord im gonna cry its so perfect,,,.so ... i just love this show way too much. i also am honestly super lost about the relationship btwn acca and ura-acca ?? bc i was gonna mention ura-acca as a canonically gay guy bc when i was watching i interpreted ep 11 as him being in love with acca and being jealous of Azusa (bc i mean,, they lived together (i swear to god there was only one bed in that apartment) and had a daughter together and def loved each other and also when Frill said they were husbands and then when ura-acca said he wasnt attracted to azusa but he was def jealous of their relationship ??) but then i saw somewhere that theyre brothers ?? which would make sense ig since they look kinda similar and accas daughter called ura-acca “uncle”.. but at the same time its ANIME SO THEY ALL LOOK SIMILAR and referring to gay couples as siblings is an EXTREMELY common euphemism soooo... IM JUST LOST HERE... but yeah i tried doing research and found different things so i cant say anything for sure >:( however,,, if they are canonically a lil fruity for each other... when frill refered to acca as ura-accas husband i imploded dude you never hear that sort of wording in anime.. but if theyre related i am so sorry. 

god this is so much longer than i planned it to be oops but i also love the theme about like.. relying on friends to help carry your weight but at the same time not becoming completely dependent on those friends and using their support to learn how to love yourself and rely on yourself yknow ?? bc that is exactly what healthy friendships look like. bc i think ai sort of had a codependency thing goin on with koito maybe ?? but now she has a whole squad of funky friends that are so so different but all struggle with different kinds of trauma and although they fight over it, they always get through it with each other together. and they push each other no matter what to be the best versions of themselves and they teach other that getting hurt is okay because theyre always gonna be there to pick up the pieces no matter what happens. they can give each other space when they need and adapt to meet each others needs but theyre always able to balance it out with their own needs and thats such a beautiful thing in friendships especially at their age like damn i wish i had that maturity when i was 14 but no all i had was depression. another thing is that through these friendships you get to see all the different sides of each girl; you get to see them being strong or a shining light to their friends when theyre hurting but you also get to see them being hurt and weak and allowing themselves to be on the receiving end of the comfort. their friendships allows them to have weaknesses but it also allows them to highlight their strengths and thrive off of each others. I LOVE FRIENDSHIP DUDE

next i wanna briefly mention some of the themes connected to suicide that ive noticed. a big one is the survivors guilt that ai feels once koito is dead. several times she screams that she wishes she couldve gone with koito and she dreams of a “perfect world” where they committed a double suicide. one of the main reasons for her troubles is that she blames herself for koitos death and feels like it should be her thats dead... but at the same time she feels like too much of a coward to do anything now that koito is gone. she just has all these complex and contradicting feelings that wear away at her in ways that ppl that havent gone through the suicide of a loved one could never imagine. a lot of the times when things like this are portrayed in media i feel like its more in a way thats meant to guilt trip those that have taken their own lives and paint suicide as this selfish sin thats unforgivable but... not only does wonder egg reject that idea and instead portray it as a heartbreaking tragedy with,,, so so many terrible reasons, but it focuses on the feelings of ai separate from koito without blaming her in any way. not once did i feel like the show antagonized koito or that ai blamed koito for doing any of this, but they simply mourned her loss and touched on ais reaction towards the event but separate from koito herself if that makes sense. and i think that discussing survivors guilt without painting koito as the bad guy is something so beautifully done in wonder egg that can really resonate with those that have lost a loved one to suicide and have struggled with these same things.

okay i think this is the last thing ill mention,,, but HOMIE THE PARALLEL UNIVERSE BIT AT THE END. I AM. OBSESSED. i am such a whore for anything about the multiverse okay n e ways...,, not only did this make a super epic trippy ending of season one and add a little bit more magical girl whimsy to the show,, but it had such a powerful message. from the perspective of og ai,, finding out that you killed yourself in another world is... i mean its definitely not a surprise but at the same time it rlly makes you think how close og ai herself couldve been to that point and what decisions led her out of that dark place in her life. if i were in her shoes i would be terrified and id cry bc the thought of going back to such a dark place and actually going through with something like that is my worst fear and probably something that ai fears too. but at the same time,,, think from the perspective of ai two !!! like yeah its true that theres this awful terrible version of ai that dies but theres also a whole version of ai that is a superhero magical girl fighting off monsters to save countless ppls lives !! and she has a badass lizard and a gang of awesome friends !!! at first i was worried that ai two would be jealous of og ai and compare herself to her and feel inferior but like.. THEYRE LITERALLY THE SAME PERSON AND CAPABLE OF THE SAME THINGS !!! and ai two realized that !! just within the span of one episode, she went from the version of ai who took her life,, to the version of ai jumping in front of a friend to take a bullet for them and save their life. and that just inspired THE SHIT OUT OF ME. i think that ai was sent another version of herself to sort of beat her own worst enemy yknow ?? those doubts and fears that shes no good or that shes that same bystander from episode one and that she hasnt changed at all. but getting to interact with her parallel self and see her grow was just what she needed to realize that while yeah sometimes the worst thing can happen and things can be terrible but on the other hand sometimes the most wonderful thing imaginable can happen because she has the power to do either. 

so im gonna go ahead and stop rambling bc i got all my thoughts out that i wanted to for this post :D but yeah lol i might make another if i feel like it sometime. long story short: this show is perfect and it is going on my favorite of all times.

[izzyliker]

hey - this is one of the mods of the bi jon project. we don't actually dislike or disagree with pan jon at all, we just want to make a project focused on and celebrating bisexuality. our carrd is a bit rambling, but frankly we were trying our best/overcompensating to try and make sure people didn't misunderstand us and do - well, this. our intentions are good, and it's really kind of disenheartening to see all the hate we've gotten for what was meant to be a positive project. (1)

you're under no obligation to answer these, but i saw some of your posts in the tag and felt like reaching out because you did give us even the tiniest bit of slack in good faith. honestly, if you have any advice about what in our carrd is so overwhelmingly bad, we'd be happy to hear it. we've been trying to respond to the overwhelming amount of criticism we've got in a positive way, and take peoples' suggestions. (2)

as for why 'no anti-antis' was at the bottom of our rules list, it's legitimately bc we were trying so hard to be preventative about this negativity that we forgot to add it when we first posted the blog, and just remembered later. again, you're under no obligation to answer these, i just feel like no one's really actually letting us defend ourselves/are taking things in as bad faith a way as possible. (3)

im not exactly sure how the posts showed up in the tag bc ive been very purposefully not tagging them, also ive blocked all of you back (not sure why you blocked me if you actually want feedback, so it seems more like you just want free positive pr and not actual feedback) so its unlikely youll see whatever it is that i reply to this but whatever. 

the issues have all been repeatedly brought up to you so i dont really see how me repeating all of them once again could help. when i last looked at the cardd the things that stood out immediately included. 

pitting ace & bi identities and people against each other REPEATEDLY,  

starting off with a guilt trippy tone and maintaining it throughout (in my experience this is the #1 best way to receive backlash because people do not want to participate in events where you feel like youre being guilted into it, which going into scrutinizing detail over there not being enough content and passing judgement onto authors or artists over it is something that comes across as guilt trippy.),

repeatedly equating asexuality with sex repulsion (not to get into the misleading information about modteam aspec identity breakdowns, since you claimed that 3/4 of the team are aspec, which is technically correct, but what you didnt say was that only one is acespec. surely you know that [allosexual] aro and [alloromantic] ace are not interchangeable) and calling using biromantic over bisexual a “misunderstanding” of the identity as if how to define romantic vs sexual attraction (how to divide, if or if not to divide, use interchangeably different labels) isnt a deeply personal choice ace people who experience romantic attraction make, 

claiming that bisexual jon is canon (he isn’t. this is why people are suspicious of anti-other mspec identities sentiments. which theyre right, if youll be so kind as to stick around til the last paragraph) and repeatedly implying that the reason there isnt “enough” content centering bi jon because the aces are simply unable to not fixate on his asexuality (again, pitting identities against each other),

making the banned ship list way needlessly confusing and including ships that dont even include jon to it, which simply comes across as some kind of a list of bad ships, idk. a way to bypass this would simply be to say “we are looking for portrayals of healthy relationships!” and that couldve just been it. if you felt that that wouldnt exclude specific ships (eg. jondaisy that a lot of people write as a relationship between trauma survivors who have done very bad things trying to get better and learning to trust each other) it is possible to simply say “the modteam is squicked[/triggered] by ships with daisy/elias/peter and we’d like to read all of the works submitted so we’re asking not to receive submissions with those ships.” hating ships is literally completely normal but making rules hard to parse is going to attract questions, especially when the implication is that ships are excluded on the grounds of morality, and a blatant power difference ship (jonelias) is equated with jondaisy, which is from what ive seen almost exclusively shown to be a relationship between equals. that makes people EXTREMELY confused about where the line is. thats why youre getting so many questions about this.  

in general the carrd was spotty, guilt trippy, and needlessly moralizing where it definitely did not need to be. the key to getting people to engage without getting backlash is to make the event seem fun. when your carrd is filled with stuff about unrelated negative stuff people are not going to think it’s a fun event at all. 

and none of this even gets into the fact that at least one of the mods has a history of open hostility against pan people. i heard through the grapevine that he has since made a fauxpology about it, but frankly it already shone through in the language used in the event descriptions. its extremely hard to take any of this is good faith when it is easy to see that one of the organizers is quite fucking clear about thinking pansexuality is biphobic and the carrd is or at least used to be full of anti-pan (and other mspec identity) dogwhistles, and is notorious in some of the tma fic author circles for being extremely fucking nasty about trans men writing fic he doesn’t like to the point of pretending that we’re all cis people (in case youre not keeping track that is misgendering us by implication) because he doesn’t like it. i think some of you (or maybe all of you? idk) in general could stand to examine whether your engagements and participations in the fandom have been at all about having fun or adding positivity to anything, or simply making posts about what other people are doing wrong. it seems that every post i see from anyone in this group is guilt trippy and authoritative, and sadly this translated directly into the event. 

when youre, say, a trans man whose first touch to one of the mods was a post about how fic where trans men have piv sex with cis men is hurting him personally and making it a moral issue and not a matter of a simple preference to the point where he feels comfortable making claims about the trans men (and transmasc nonbinary people) writing fic about trans characters re: their gender or whether theyre fetishizing trans men, your willingness to engage in good faith with an event hosted by him that features numerous red flags is not going to be unconditional. 

im sorry to hear that it has been bad for your mental health, and idk whats fucking going on with this event anymore, but my good faith interpretations have diminished significantly since i saw the shit tmc specifically has been saying about pansexual people and pansexuality as an identity label. i have no clue where the rest of you stand but tmc has repeatedly, consistently shown himself to be unable to act in good faith towards anyone other than people who agree with him.  

[scarabbai]

What the- i swear I thought I was following you for a long time- I just saw that it wasn't the case smh. Your rr au literally fascinates me. Like I have always had the idea if how they would be in an rr situation. So about this childhood incident you mentioned, what is it. Can I know?

THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR LIKING MY AU (🥺) AND DW, YOUVE ACTUALLY BEEN FOLLOWING FOR A WHILE! Tumblr has a tendency to say you’re not following when you’ve most definitely been following the whole time for some reason??

As for the childhood incident, yes! I might write some of the scenes I’m about to mention in more detail later, but I’ll share what happened now since it’s really important in defining role reversed Jamil and Kalim’s current relationship. It also provides an important glimpse into what it used to be.

(Full story under the cut bc SERIOUSLY I went WAY overboard and it’s super long OTL)

When Kalim and Jamil first met, they weren’t anything close to friends. In fact, they barely got along. Their first meeting happened because Kalim was handpicked by Jamil’s father for his notable loyalty and dedication to the Vipers at his young age and introduced—more like presented—to Jamil as his new playmate and personal servant. Basically, it was Kalim’s job to be—or at least act as—Jamil’s friend.

Even at that young age, Jamil was a stuck up sourpuss who had already developed the nasty habit of looking down on others. After all, he was rich, spoiled, and practically a little prodigy. Nobody he met was ever at his level, and it’s not like he was ever taught humility. Naturally, he drove away practically everyone his own age and therefore didn’t have any friends. This concerned Jamil’s father and thus Kalim was brought into the picture. However, an important thing to note is that Jamil also happens to have a rebellious streak. He hates being coddled and is already very frustrated with his father’s constant attempts to keep him safe (with bodyguards, babysitters, etc) since he feels like he’s “being babied.” Bc of this, he’s very skeptical upon Kalim’s arrival, accuses him of being some other kind of guard in disguise, and is just generally very rude to him.

Obviously that doesn’t sit well with Kalim and they end up bickering for a while (“I’m not a liar!” “Yes you are!”) before Kalim finally catches Jamil’s attention by admitting he isn’t that great with magic yet. This leads to them both calming down and talking about all the stuff in Jamil’s room, which then prompts Jamil to kinda show off his skills in magic as well as his belongings. Jamil’s father checks in on them and sees Kalim cheering Jamil on as he’s showing him a spell he learned, which gets Kalim officially approved to stay by Jamil’s side for the foreseeable future. They still aren’t proper friends at this point, though. Jamil gets annoyed by Kalim’s presence bc it’s a reminder that his dad is still trying to “run his life” by looking out for him, and Kalim is lowkey having second thoughts about this whole “important job” thing bc Jamil’s kinda mean...

Eventually they become more comfortable with each other’s presence, but they still aren’t really friends. They end up with more of a “mastermind and henchmen” dynamic instead, with Jamil leading them both into trouble while Kalim gets the short end of the stick as the (not very believable, so he never actually gets punished) scapegoat of most of Jamil’s schemes. By this point, Kalim has kinda just accepted that this is gonna be the way things are and doesn’t really question it, and Jamil stops seeing Kalim as a nuisance and more like a source of entertainment, praise, etc. Basically Jamil pushes Kalim around bc he knows he can get away with it and bc Kalim will always tell him what he wants to hear. Fun for Jamil! Not so fun for Kalim. This goes on for some time.

About several months to a year or so later, a festival in the city is announced. Being very sheltered and restricted his whole life, Jamil really wants to get out there and see the activities and events that are going to be hosted (especially the dancing! He’s super interested in all the different types of dance that’ll be showcased at the festival). However, his dad comes in the night before the festival and forbids Jamil from going bc “there’s too many people and it’ll be dangerous,” not revealing that he’s heard news of the family’s enemies in the area. Knowing his son is a little schemer but also that he’ll be very upset, he calls Kalim in to stay with Jamil for the rest of the night and the next day not only to make sure he won’t try anything but also to hopefully cheer him up.

Despite knowing full well that orders from his dad > his own wishes and that Kalim has to listen to his dad over him since his dad outclasses him in authority, Jamil’s bitter enough to poke the hornet’s nest and try to bait Kalim into helping him sneak out anyway. In doing so, he pulls some pretty guilt trippy stuff and whines about how he clearly doesn’t have any “real friends” since “real friends” help each other do stupid stuff like sneaking out. He doesn’t expect this to work at all given Kalim’s strict adherence to authority and rules, but he does it anyway bc taking out his frustration over his father’s actions on Kalim is easier than just quietly accepting his dad’s attempt to protect him.

Jamil ends up severely underestimating three very important factors:

Kalim’s own desire to go to the festival

How much his happiness matters to Kalim

The fact that Kalim actually does see him as a friend/hopes they can be true friends

Kalim gets pretty quiet for the rest of the night, and when his required time keeping Jamil company is up, he leaves the room without a word. This makes Jamil all disappointed and kinda upset with himself bc he thinks he’s gonna get ratted out, but nothing ends up happening. The next morning, Kalim shows up to Jamil’s room with two sets of casual clothes from his own wardrobe in his hands and a smile on his face. To Jamil’s utter shock (Kalim has never gone against orders before, especially ones directly from his dad), Kalim explains that he used his usual credibility to his advantage and managed to lie his way to a perfect cover for the both of them, and if they leave now nobody will notice until they’re long gone. He broke the rules for the sake of Jamil’s happiness, and that’s a gesture that means so much to them both it makes Jamil feel kinda funny.

He brushes it off though bc this is his moment! This is the chance he’s been waiting for, and all the different plans and ways to sneak out he thought of while lying awake the night before can finally be put into action with Kalim’s help! With the combined power of Jamil’s strategic thinking and some extra strength/height boosts from Kalim, they manage to make it off the property with the others none the wiser. In order to keep things lowkey, they’re both dressed in the casual clothes Kalim brought, and Jamil has Kalim stop addressing him as “Master Viper/Master Jamil” for the time being so they just seem like two regular kids instead of the Viper heir and his servant. It’s just a small, temporary thing, and Jamil doesn’t even pay it any mind, but it turns out to be a very important equalizing factor for them both. Suddenly, their social standings aren’t nearly as skewed.

Jamil knows exactly what he wants to do at the festival and fully expects things to go his way the whole time, but when they arrive, he sees something he never expected to, and it causes him to forget about his schedule and all the things he was gonna immediately drag Kalim to see and do:

Standing in the sun and in the thick of all the lively activity, Kalim is practically glowing with excitement, flourishing in the crowds and people, his face lighting up in a way Jamil has never seen in the year or so they’ve known each other. He’s so happy and alive and it throws Jamil off completely bc he’s never seen Kalim THIS joyful before. He’s never seen Kalim in his natural element even though they see each other almost every day.

Seeing this change in Kalim leaves Jamil stunned long enough for Kalim to get ahead of himself in excitement and grab Jamil’s hand to pull him along and see all the stalls and colorful sights and gawk and admire all the things they have for sale, things that Kalim knows he can’t afford but wow isn’t it nice to see all these things anyway even if he can’t have them (even if he wishes he could have them) and he’s so starry eyed and he’s pointing out things to Jamil who is still struck by this liveliness in Kalim that he’s never seen before, so shocked and entranced by the life in Kalim’s eyes and the way he’s speaking so fast that his words almost blend together that he reaches into his pocket and pays for each and every trinket Kalim stares longingly at just to keep on seeing his smile, just to see the way Kalim brightens up and jumps up and down with excitement and gratitude (“thank you Jamil-sama, thank you thank you thank you!”) and he lets Kalim be the star of the show for the very first time, lets him be the one in charge of the schedule, following him here and there as Kalim sees something that grabs his attention and then they’re both off like a jet, Kalim weaving through crowds like an expert while Jamil tags along clumsily behind, singing and laughing and there’s this one moment, one magical moment when Kalim stops at a stand selling coconut juice and when he mentions it’s his favorite drink, his favorite flavor ever, Jamil buys them both one coconut each without hesitation, watching as Kalim enjoys his drink like it’s the best thing in the whole entire world (and watching Kalim, he could almost think it was too, even if he doesn’t like it nearly as much) and wonders how in the world he managed to mess up so badly to know someone for so long and still never know his favorite food, to see each other every day but never once see Kalim like this, with so much joy, and Jamil stands there, sipping his coconut juice as Kalim sings and dances in place as they watch a concert performance together, wondering where he went so wrong, wondering when he forgot Kalim was a real person, wondering if he ever realized Kalim lived and breathed and had feelings.

It’s the wakeup call Jamil didn’t know he needed. He realizes for the first time how little Kalim gets to have some fun of his own whenever they play together, how he’s always the one dragging Kalim into messy situations, how Kalim may have been kinda happy when they’re together but clearly he’s never been truly happy in all of the time they’ve spent together, how Kalim is a real friend who cares and puts up with so much while Jamil has been nothing but a bully and an asshole.

As the sun sets and he and Kalim are heading back to the estate, Jamil thinks about this a lot. He feels extremely guilty over his shitty attitude and resolves to do better, to be proper friends with Kalim, to be nicer and kinder and to appreciate the people and things he has in his life. He’s going to fix things. He’s going to do it right from now on.

Unfortunately for them both, Jamil is too lost in thought to notice that someone else has noticed him.

The next sequence of events is a blur to Jamil. One moment he’s walking through a less populated street side by side with a friend he’s wronged, and the next, said friend is pushing Jamil out of the way as some rando swipes at him. They both land in a heap on the floor, but adrenaline gives Kalim the speed to recover, grab Jamil’s hand, and make a break for it before the person can make another attempt at grabbing them. Jamil’s too disoriented and in too close a range to prepare a good enough spell to get the person off their tail, so they’re both in big trouble as they run through shortcuts and alleyways to get home faster while their pursuer is hot on their heels. Eventually their luck runs out, and the person catches up to them.

Kalim is no bodyguard, but he still throws himself between Jamil and the attacker to protect him. It’s two little kids against one adult. The way the person looms over them is terrifying, they’re both shaking, Jamil is on the floor bc Kalim pushed him too hard when he tried to tell him to just leave him behind and run for it, and Kalim himself is screaming his poor lungs out, crying for help in hopes that he’ll catch the attention of the people milling about. He does, but not before he takes a severe blow to the head and goes down hard. With the help of both some alarmed bystanders and a blast of Jamil’s tearful, rage-fueled magic (���NO!! KALIM!!! KALIM!!!”), the pursuer gets taken out and the bystanders, who recognize who Jamil is, contact the authorities and his family. They stay with him while Jamil hugs Kalim’s unconscious body and cries his eyes out bc this wasn’t supposed to happen, he should have listened, Dad was right, he was stupid, he got them both hurt, Kalim isn’t smiling anymore, he won’t open his eyes, there’s so much blood everywhere, there’s so much blood coming from Kalim’s head—

In almost no time at all, Jamil’s dad, some bodyguards, and one of the family’s healers arrive at the scene to find Jamil inconsolable and Kalim injured. Kalim gets some emergency healing from the medic, but his wound is deemed too severe for the magic to be able to reverse all the damage at once and therefore he needs to be rushed back to the manor’s infirmary. Jamil’s dad gently pulls Jamil away from Kalim so he can be taken to properly heal, holding his crying son close as he watches the medic carry away a much too still, much too small body. When they head back to the estate, he picks up his son and carries him the whole way, and Jamil doesn’t even have the energy to interrupt his sobbing to complain. Jamil’s father tries to ignore the blood staining his son’s clothes, the red on his hands, and keeps going. He cleans him up when they get back (and tries, again, not to feel sick as he sees the color of the water) and that night, Jamil is too afraid to sleep in his own room. He reads bedtime story to his son for the first time in a long while, and when Jamil finally falls asleep, curled up with tears still clinging to his eyelashes, Mr. Viper stays awake a little longer to watch over him.

It takes days just for Kalim to open his eyes again, and there’s a new scar waiting for him when he does.

[mostly-sentence-starters]

Advice seeking anon here! I wanted to thank you! It was sort of about the technical side of rping and more on tips on how to deal with....the emotional side of things? But not like reactions/stuff going on in the threads I do have. But like...the disappointment of expectation.(Example that made me ask in the first place: Though unrelated but important to start off this with is that...I have friends who are mutuals but we don't write together. We do interact. Liking and commenting on posts and building a friendship that way. I am hecka anxious and I'm working on it. Like ya know, believing that mutuals DO wanna get asks from me and memes. But it's still disheartening when you send in memes they post, make starters, but they go unanswered with the other person later making posts about wanting more threads and being bored. I've had plenty of reasons myself as to why I can't answer certain threads. Ranging from time, RL errands or demands, or just the muse. I feel guilty they're not having fun but I don't feel like trying cos it's clear they're not waiting to hear from ME and so...I dunno, looking for tips on how as learn to calm my anxiety over not being the fix other people are looking for...but now that I've written this out, I'm guessing no one doing hobbies for free will be able to tell me much beyond...it's out of my control. And I guess to focus on what I can do.....I feel like being a kid again. Being in the same class with someone, even the same table and working together and being genuinely friendly but like...they still have their group of friend they hope to get hand written notes from.)

Hey there again Nonnie! There’s a lot to unpack here so most of it will be under the readmore! I totally get what you’re saying though and I have been mutuals with people similar to those you are describing. Of course every situation is quite different though, so keep that in mind.

First and foremost, of course it is important for people to remember RP IS a hobby. However, it is a collaborative hobby which means there is some mutual respect and decency required and communication is a must.

Of course real life / mental health / how much muse someone has / etc is a factor in how active a mun is. That makes sense and is valid.

From what I’ve noticed from my time RPing is that not everyone wants the same thing out of RP. A good chunk of people are more focused toward short on-dash treads/crack interactions, asks, writing headcanons, and plotting OOC. But not so much doing actual threads.

This version of RP quite frankly not for me, and it sounds like it's not what you’re looking for either. My primary concern is, and always will be the writing part of roleplay. This may just not be what this other person’s priority is, which may just mean you aren’t compatible. This doesn’t mean they can’t or shouldn’t RP this way--it just means it doesn’t mesh well for how you RP.

It sounds like you are putting forth an effort to extend an olive branch to them to RP. And that’s good! I do think it’s important to give people chances--to an extent.

But how you are describing what’s happening sounds very similar to some experiences I’ve had with RPers that have and issue with attention pandering/passive-aggressive behavior(x) on dash, which is very much not okay. If you have tried several times to extend a branch to them through memes/starters/etc. and the other person NEVER answers but is constantly or often harping OOC about how they want interactions but never send anything to other people and never answer asks you sent them yet still say they want attention/asks/etc?

That’s very guilt-trippy and acting like others exist to be at their beck and call whenever they want attention. And to piggyback on this post (x) you don’t owe anything to people who are not treating you with equal respect.

If this was a case where the mun had sporadic activity due to IRL/mental heath/etc. and thus can’t send in many memes to other people because of it, but do when they can but are just overall slow and sporadic with their activity? That’s fine (though it may not be compatible with all other RPers) it is fine and acceptable behavior to have a busy life and not be tied to your computer. But you should not be made to feel guilty for not showering someone with attention and keeping them happy 24/7.

I get very stressed out by seeing posts like “I’m bored! Come bother my muse! / Send me asks! / I want more threads! / I want more ships!” as well. Of course, in the end it’s up to you. Me however, I usually find myself unfollowing and dropping partners who do this because of the distress it causes me. RP shouldn’t be something that stresses you out to those levels or makes you cater to someone else’s every whim. 

Honestly Anon, you may just have to let these people go. In my opinion, only from what I’ve heard it doesn’t sound like they are extending the same respect to you despite your attempts to make things work.

There are however, many people in the RPC who don’t do this type of thing that you will be far more compatible with and less stressed out by interacting with them. I personally recommend seeking those people out instead of giving chance after chance to people it sounds like it just won’t work out with.

But that’s only my experience, from what I can understand from your situation from this one ask. Maybe it is worth it to you to stick it out a little bit longer and see if you can make things work Perhaps filter/blacklist the mun’s OOC tag to stop you from seeing their posts asking for memes to be sent in and etc. and see if that helps.

But if RPing with these people bring you more distress than joy it may be time to let them go and look for some new muns to RP with. RPing got much better for me after I decided that interacting with people like that wasn’t for me.

I hope that helped a bit! If you have more questions feel free to ask (just may take me a bit! to get to)

- Mod Mudkip

[oneustual-moving]

woohoo tag game !! ☆～（ゝ。∂）

thanks to @hwee-ing for tagging me! :]

(answers under the cut so i dont clog up ur dashes)

1. why did you choose your url?

bc the oneus obsession is too strong & oneustual just sounds fun to say in ur head! also i am everyones’ oneus mutual so <3

2. any sideblogs?

just @oneus1stwin !

3. how long have you been on tumblr?

since 2013 i think ? not w this blog obv but i was super young yikes

4. do you have a queue tag?

nope! so even though u see posts & activity from me most of the day, thats me in real time yikes!!

5. why did you start your blog in the first place?

my very first blog ever i started bc i liked doctor who 😔 yes one of those kids. & then i started this specific one bc i wanted to move blogs from my last one. not for any real reason just felt like switichin it up!

6. why did you choose your pfp?

dongmyeong:] <3 also bc the colors matched my layout

7. why did you choose your header?

hc i want ppl to know that even though im oneus-tual i am also onewe-tual and if come here then its a package deal babey 2 for the price of 1 its weus! also yonghoon pretty

8. what’s your post with the most notes?

the one w my uquiz where i guess ur oneus bias actually !! surprisingly ! it has like 220 notes

9. how many mutuals do you have?

probably around 300 technically. but alot of them are inactive. i have around 20ish that i regularly interact with & would consider pocket friends!! <3

10. how many followers do you have?

321

11. how many people do you follow?

323

12. have you ever made a shitpost

every minute of every day of my life <3

13. how often do you use tumblr every day?

whenever i have free time. so when im not doing school or housework. even if im watching stuff i’ll usually be on it bc or focus or whatever </3 too much!

14. have you gotten into an argument/fight with another blog?

i dont think so ? closest i came was someone telling me i couldnt have criticisms of the mdzs novel but i didnt argue w them & they were wrong so! i dont wanna get into details of my issues w the novel since that doesnt matter here, but im still right!

15. how do you feel about ‘you need to reblog this?’ posts?

some of them tend to be guilt trippy and compare serious issues against each other, but other than that theyre fine if like the sources are legit & any donation links are as well. i tend to rb them bc im not in the place where i can donate rn, so spreading the info is the second best thing i can do!

16. do you like tag games?

yes! i’ll just only do them like 10% of the time bc i can be lazy and put it off and then i forget and it gets buried in my notifs

17. do you like ask games?

YES!!! give me attention pls <3

18. which of your mutuals is tumblr famous?

i think it’ll be offensive tk them if i call them “tumblr famous” but i do have a few mutuals that r like big accounts & relatively well-known if that counts lmao

19. do you have a crush on a mutual?

no but i love nd appreciate all kf them dearly <3 or like friend crushes if u call them that, by that meaning i want to be their friends but im too shy & mentally ill to consistently talk to more than one person at a time !! im sorry

20. tags?

@kingleedo @followfindyou @lovepaintt if u want ! & anyone else who wants to :)

[cyberneticlagomorph]

And on the first day of the Apocalypse.

The sun refused to rise.

The blackened, bruised sky stayed dark and starless well past what should have been dawn, haunted by a full crimson moon that glared down at the world like an angry bloodshot eye, and washed everything in an eerie, rusty-red glow. 

People stared up at the sky, numb with creeping cold, panic new in their hearts. They looked to the news for comfort, to science, to their leaders, and their gods, but found nothing but their own fears and confusion mirrored back at them. 

The air grew slick and cold, somehow leaving a waxy residue in the lungs of those who breathed it. 

Anywhere and everywhere, snow fell; as thick, and black as ash. Towns were buried and roads were closed, and watersheds were tainted, running red and caustic.

By late afternoon when the sun still hadn't shown, panic set in and there were riots in the streets. People looted, stole, and set fires in a feeble attempt to remember what warmth was. Cities burned, black snow hissing as it hit the flames and let off a putrid steam that scarred the airways of anybody unfortunate enough to breathe it. 

High in their towers of glass and steel, the Conglomerate watched their kingdom BURN like the biblical rulers of old, and for the first time in uncountable, unnatural years 

They.

Felt.

Afraid.

Confused. 

Angry.

They watched as all they'd built, cheated, and killed to get was buried under a thick black blanket of ash and snow, and it scared them. Try as they might to capitalize on this ordeal, it seemed like some divine hand kept coming down to stop their plans from the moment they'd been formed.

And they were right of course. 

With the Writer missing, and the End loose, the Narrative shuddered and wheezed like a dying thing and tried desperately to swat any and all significant Plot Twists out of the hands of anybody that couldn't be trusted. 

Which is most people.

The Narrative keened and cried and begged and looked for its Protagonist. He'd save them, he'd fix this… he had to… this was what he was FOR.

Right?

Somewhere, deep in the ruins of what used to be Chicago, Jack stood. Gazing up at the red moon, up to his knees in black snow. It burned to touch, but not like fire does, more like drain cleaner or acetone, or acid. 

It smelled that way too, like flakes of frozen pollution had come back to earth to wreak their vengeance upon their creators. The harsh chemical odor was almost as pervasive as the waxy winds that tore through town and left everything feeling greasy and slick. 

Prolonged exposure made it hard to swallow and taste. 

But still, Jack stood there, gaining a mix of chemical burns and frostbite as the temperatures outside continued to plummet. 

This was all his fault. 

And not in any, 'oh woe is me', emo bullshit guilt trippy way either.

This was LEGITIMATELY all his fault.

He willingly Named, and thus released, the most dangerous being in his universe, naively hoping that She'd be on his side for some stupid reason. 

So he stood there, feeling the snow eat away at his fake flesh, gnawing hungrily on the plating beneath, and told himself that he deserved the pain. 

Kay, his symbiote, smacked him in the back of the head… from the inside, and took control of their mutual body, marching this one rabbit pity party back into the Warren where it was still warm and dry and safe.

Kay plunked Jack down in front of the kitchen hearth and let him thaw, slithering across their wounds and doing her best to heal them. Jack just sat there, limp, caught in a self hate spiral, a few seconds from disassociating completely. Kay wrapped them both in a thick quilt and poured a mug of warm milk, with honey and sat close to the fire. 

Gooey black hands formed themselves out of Jack's brown skin and gently stroked his ears, mopping his tears when he finally broke from the weight of it all. 

But enough about him, and Kay, and numerous unnamed side characters that nobody really cares about. 

Let's talk about the End, or Revolution, or Lucifer, or Eaten, or whichever of Her 50 alternative nicknames that She's gathered over the millennia. 

The Narrative is Hers now, clutched tight in greedy, iron jaws. 

The world is Hers now, and innumerable worlds beyond. 

She has, for all intents and purposes, won. 

We could End the story here if we wanted, but that isn't very fun, so we'll keep going and see how this all plays out. 

There, gliding atop the snow in faraway Europe with unparalleled grace and malice, was the End of Everything. She'd Spoken Herself a new Shape, with seven glittering green eyes, seven horns and fourteen powerful wings. Where She stepped plants bloomed and withered in the span of a heartbeat. 

Frightened humans watched Her pass and began to pray and wail, falling at Her feet, begging for mercy. When She touched them, their skin turned a sickly pale green, then steadily darker. Brown scaly patches bloomed like rashes, spreading across their bodies, fusing their faces shut, stiffening their joints, until all that was left was a wretched topiary in the shape of the victim. Their wooden eyes cried green sap, as they froze in the cold. 

The End smiled at Her own cruelty, drank in the fear of those around Her. The world was a nightmare, Her nightmare. She'd shattered the boundaries between dreams and waking and covered the world in a blanket of FEAR. 

It was beautiful. 

She found a rat, shivering, half dead in a nearby gutter and kissed its little head. The rat sprang back to life and gazed up at Her with tiny red eyes, and then it screamed.

And screamed.

And screamed. 

And something shattered with a sound like the wet cough of someone sick and slowly dying.

More rats poured from storm drains and trash cans, dumpsters, and every filthy shadowed place for miles around. The coalesced into a writhing heap that pulsated and churned, becoming the vague shape of a person before all the rats seemed to liquify and meld together.

As the figure made of rats finally started to solidify, any unfortunate human person still around started to hack and cough. Blood and bile poured from their faces, their skin blistered and split, soaking them in pus and who knows what else. 

Their deaths were slow, so very very slow.

They spasmed and wheezed until their lungs stopped working and they were finally allowed to die in a puddle of their own mess.

The rat-thing donned a crown made of polished bone, silver scalpels, and empty syringes. It covered its face in a plague doctor's mask and climbed onto the back of something like a huge white lab rat with three tails twisted into a braid, and too many heads, each sicker than the last.

One head, foaming with rabies, snarled and hissed, and screeched as the reins were pulled. It gazed at the End and drooled deliriously, but did not bite when She scratched it behind the ears. She looked at the rat's rider and said, "Hello Pestilence, welcome to the apocalypse."

With the first of seven seals broken, Pestilence smiled behind their mask and spoke in a voice like mucus and pain, "We have long awaited this day, we have much work to do, the cold makes them weak… this is almost too easy." It chuckled then, a horrible rasping sound, and rode off into the snowy darkness leaving the sounds of coughing in its wake.

[halfusek]

Does anyone in your crew hate themselves? If so, how do they cope? (Yes, I know the answer for Mag is yes and booze, lol.)

dfnfdkjdfnjkfd well then

I’d say they have specific kinds of self-hatred and reasons for them

Thomas is ashamed of having a hand in everything that has happened in the studio, he has many regrets and tends to beat himself up over it. Mostly inside but sometimes he verbalizes those thoughts and I guess Allison is there for him, however it seems in DCTL as if Allison as kinda trying to sugar coat it, so it both kinda helps and doesn’t, because he doesn’t get to face it head on that yes, he did help make something that kills people and creates monsters. Maybe he starts working on some inventions of his own to clear his mind

Henry (in the game studio) sometimes wishes he did indeed push harder and feels at fault as for what has happened and thinks of “what if” such as what if he never left and steer Joey the right way - but he generally realizes he is not at fault at all and it’s just Joey’s guilt trippy approach and the general despair of the studio getting to him sometimes. To cope he looks for things that make him hopeful (Linda, their kids, grandkids, doing something nice with Boris, etc)

Henry (before/after he left) feels guilty for not being able to manage the hard situation at work, for having to choose his work over his wife and making her/both of them upset because of that, then he feels a bit of guilt for leaving for leaving everyone in a bad situation (or so he thought because then the studio went on as if it never needed him - that was Joey trying to prove he never needed Henry). To cope he was talking to his wife, tried to think of ways to make thinks better but when they failed, finally the ultimate way of dealing with that was leaving. It was a kind of “I’m in a bad position and put someone dear to me in a bad position and I don’t know what to do” self-hatred if that makes sense

Sammy for what has happened to Susie - how he took part in using her and replacing her. Later, very much later on for everything he has done to appease a god that did not care for him. For the first one coping was just trying to be even more indifferent towards others and pushing himself away from people, making him a more anger driven person. For his lord’s betrayal... going absolutely out of his mind, there was nothing to cope by after that. (As for what happened between him and Joey in my comic... welp, you’ll find out soon. But that involves completely turning away from Joey and giving trust into a deity that... betrays him as well. Big oofs there.)

Norman and Jack both wish they could have done something/saved someone as they both were exposed and suspicious of some things going down, and their natures resulted in different behaviors from their ink forms: Norman is very active as the Projectionist but his mind is too gone to take a proper action, so he’s “blindly” taking care of anyone he sees; Jack proceeds to not do anything, he doesn’t think he’s capable of doing anything. Jack additionally always had self esteem issues - not minding that Joey takes the praise for his songs - so also had a bit of self hatred for him for being, in a way, a coward, or at least he would have called himself so (in reality it’s just his shy nature, humbleness and anxiety). I’d say Norman’s is very minor, and trying to act is his way of dealing with it. Jack’s however is major and his way is spending time alone, focusing hard on songs, maybe just singing some for fun and a bit of that coffee passion.

Susie sometimes beats herself up over being naive, she doesn’t really have a way for coping directly with that, it leads to the anger at those who used her naivness and her emotions shift - here she can either calm down or let that anger out, by something violent and mean probably. As for the calmness, as a person she’d have wrote her mom, as an ink creature maybe bury herself in Alice dolls and listen to some Alice Angel songs. Or, you know, go break/send Henry to break some Bendy cutouts. She, as an ink creature, hates her imperfect form, something in her is obsessed with perfection and she cannot get over that, only actively trying to make herself perfect makes it bearable.

Grant has depression showing up every now and then, coming into his mind with dirty shoes and a bat, beating some furniture up and leaving. The numbers should be adding up and if they don’t he’s just a shit accountant, isn’t he? He has grown a strength to push past those thoughts in regular life, however working at JDS is hell and regular solutions don’t apply to JDS problems. Regularly, any distractions from work would help to catch a breather and come back to trying to solve something with more power, but JDS problems just don’t go away and he ends up not being able to distract himself anymore because no solutions are working and he’s distracted from being distracted and there is no coping for that. To cope there have been friends, and from less grounded things, religion.

Joey. [long whistle] Yeah. Joey is afraid of failing and he fails and he hates being a failure and he hates himself deeply for that. Before studio bankrupted he really was just kind of delusional and tried to push the hardest he could, because he couldn’t manage to stop without stopping completely, he’s a very extreme person and couldn’t do something in between. Then the studio bankrupts and he is forced to stop. Or is he? Well, he was forced to at least try to stop, until he found a way to go against the impossible and continue anyway. So, yes, booze is one of the “coping” mechanisms for him, which is just trying to not thing about his problems and bottling them up. He pretends he’s fine without Henry, he pretends he’s doing what’s right and would stand by the fact that it was okay for a while, but then everything fails and nothing is fine at all. After the studio bankrupted he might have tried to do other things but just found himself unable to move on, so at least he dedicated himself to trying to fix something that is unfixable. Other kind of coping is trying to get closure from other people but that’s very hard to come by because he shuts other people off, so it only really happens when he puts his guard down and accidentially lets someone else in. Which he then tries to backpedal from, so it only makes him feel a bit better for a short while but it’s always still bitter.

[quietrainfan]

Okay! It’s the next day and I say that’s more than enough time for me to go back to my Unsympathetic ways! *evil laughter* You can not stop me! Let’s list off the observations, shall we?~ (Warning: Spoilers ahead! Also, obviously, Unsympathetic opinions of the Sides. If that ain’t something that floats your boat, by all means, ignore this post.)

- Patton not allowing Roman to say anything even remotely critical of Virgil

Like, seriously. What Roman said wasn’t even an insult. I mean, I guess it could be considered insensitive to Virgil’s feelings. But how many times has Virgil took jabs (oftentimes low ones) at Roman and was not asked to be nice or apologize? It seems to always be Roman who has to moderate how he speaks while Virgil can mouth off all he wants. Roman wasn’t being malicious, he was just poking some fun. His tone and smile clearly communicate he’s just fooling around and isn’t intentionally trying to get under Virgil’s skin.

I’d have less of a problem with this if one, Virgil was called out more for his behavior. Two, his and Roman’s banter was more equal and friendly rather than guilt-trippy and one-sided. Three, this scene not ending with Roman forcing himself to agree with Virgil’s opinion and Virgil’s condescending little thumbs up afterward. As if to say: “There you go, nice and obedient.”

- Roman using Deceit’s hat for something he isn’t even apart of and without permission (more on that later)

I’m actually going to save this one for last. Because there’s so much to unpack there even though it’s not at the center of attention.

- More of not allowing Logan to have a say in things. Roman taking away his votes because he isn’t wearing a onesie.

Okay so, he’s being excluded from a decision simply because he wasn’t wearing something. I know this may seem like a nick-pick but come on. Give this poor man a break. How many times are the other Sides going to completely brush Logan off and invalidate his input? Even for small things like this he’s being treated like an afterthought. I know Roman pretty much rigged it for everyone and Virgil gave him a look...but this was mostly centered around excluding Logan, yet again. And they still give him flack for not trying to open up. Poor Lo, I wanna just hug him and maybe read something with him just to give some form of comfort from this. And of course, dear ol’ Patton sees no problem with this but was so quick to rush to Virgil’s defense. Then again, this is normal for them. So no one bats an eye at it.

- “I can think of a few ways.”

Not an argument here. Go OFF, Virgil!!! Sorry not sorry, I got SO much satisfaction out of Patton’s face fall here. I was prepared for that line to just be another “Hee Hee Patton line” without so much as an acknowledgment about his actions lately but then I hear THIS! Just good old Patton about to not at all try to address how he treats Thomas and the others as always but then Virgil of all people comes in and lets him have it! Just to rub salt in that well-deserved wound! Yes! That’s right, frown! Frown, HARD! Jeez, that felt so good to see!

I hope we get more of that in the future. Just dissecting Patton’s mistakes and not explaining it away with “he’s trying”!

- “Thomas made his decision and I think we should just try to settle into it.”

HA! That is RICH, Patton! No joke. I laughed so bitterly at that line. Patton, how many times have you tried to sway Thomas in a direction that YOU wanted no matter whether or not it made him happy or was the best decision for him overall? How many times did you guilt-trip him, guilt-trip everyone? How many times did you ignore Roman’s misery (S v S is the most recent example), ignore Virgil’s anxiety? Or amplify it? How many times did you ignore Logan’s advice until it actually had an effect on YOU? You have NO room to talk about allowing Thomas to come to his own decisions when you spent SO long swaying the movement of things to end in your favor. I’m-

How many times did you just “ease into” the changes in Thomas’s life or the other parts of his personality that made you uncomfortable and tried to adjust without judgment? I can’t- *wheeze* Here’s hoping you get some really good character development later on because I just can’t stand you like this.

- “How are you telling me to settle into something right now when you’ve taken your sweet time to settle into things you were uncomfortable with in the past?”

Once again, go OFF, Virgil!!! Call. Him. Out! Patton has been nothing but judgmental and guilt-trippy with whatever he didn’t approve of. He’s made the same mistakes over and over, hardly showing any remorse for it. Only when others point it out does he look bothered. From where I’m standing, it doesn’t feel like he’s ever made as much as an effort as the others. It’s very irritating, to say the least. Him just treating Deceit and Remus like infections rather than apart of Thomas all the time, for example. Trying to repress them rather than understand them, like he did with Virgil. But he likes Virgil, so of course, he didn’t have the same reaction. He doesn’t like Remus or Deceit, so he acts accordingly. Which is really messed up.

Don’t give Virgil that look, Thomas! You know he’s right!

- “There’s nothing wrong with talking! Sometimes you just need to air things out and get a second opinion.”

I’m sorry. Did I just hear that right? *checking with an imaginary person* Who was the one that said that? It was Patton? *non-existant “yes”* Oh, alright.

*clears throat* Getting a second opinion? Getting a second opinion?? Getting a second opinion?! 

...My dude, since when have you wanted a “second opinion”?! Especially from Deceit! Since when did you confront a problem head-on, talk about it without bias, and was satisfied with a conclusion that didn’t cater to your liking?! I genuinely want to see you take initiative, not try to control everything, listen to everyone, and take your role seriously. Without trying to steer everything towards something you personally approve of.

I want to see you go through that change so badly. Drop the goofiness for a bit and commit. Please! *deep sigh*

- Virgil hissing at Deceit

He literally just came to get his hat, dude. He didn’t even acknowledge you. What is your deal? But I guess all Dee has to do is breathe and that’s enough cause for hostility. Jeez. There better be a really good explanation for Virgil’s attitude or I swear I will reach through the damn screen and deal with Virgil myself.

 - Logan putting his onesie on out of sight.

I think this really speaks volumes about how he’s treated. He’s so afraid of being ridiculed and not being respected that he has to hide what he likes. Logan feels if he actually indulges in his other interests openly, he won’t be able to actually enjoy it because it’s “silly” and of course Logan can’t be “silly” because it’s going to cost him his comfort and dignity. And it’s not like he’s wrong for feeling that way. 

There is such a lack of respect for him from the others, day in and day out. He can’t ever let his hair down and relax for a bit. The others complain about him being so closed-off but when opens up, he always gets shut down. When he makes jokes, he can’t just laugh with the others. It’ll be used as material against him later on if he does. (Ex: He misuses a word, it’s used against him later even though it clearly bothers him. It’s not teasing if the recipient isn’t laughing along.)

Logan wants a say in what they watch as a family? Yeah, no. Unless you wear that onesie that we’ll likely make fun of you for, your opinion is invalid.

I can’t imagine what this is doing to Logan’s mental health and self-esteem. Or can I? Because that last clip is pretty telling. Honestly, I respect Lo so much. He has to put up with so much bullshit yet he continues on and does his job anyway. Hopefully, he’ll find some way to feel better about himself.

- Roman using Deceit’s hat for something he isn’t even apart of and without permission (here we are)

Speaking of a complete lack of respect, what the fuck, Roman?! And literally everyone else!

Okay so, Deceit and the Light Sides are not anywhere near on good terms. Especially after S v S! They are not friendly with one another. There’s no dynamic here that allows any of the Light Sides to borrow something from Deceit. While I did laugh at Deceit’s reaction and Roman’s face after was genuinely priceless it still...got me thinking.

Deceit is mistreated all the time. He’s ignored, demonized, villainized by them at every turn. He and Remus aren’t included in any family get-togethers. When he was literally having an emotional breakdown he was laughed at (Virgil) and still ignored. Deceit did everything he could to be heard in a debate and was called “edgy” for expressing genuine concern over Thomas’s well being.

Then Roman obviously sneaks into his space and steals his hat to use for another debate that they’re having??? That also doubles as quality family time that he’s never included in??? Do I really need to explain how utterly disrespectful and messed up that is? And this is after they had the courtroom scenario and left on really tense terms. And they likely haven’t spoken since.

So not only is Deceit going to be constantly demonized, made fun of, and excluded from anything remotely affectionate...but he’s also going to get his personal items stolen on top of all that? How nice. And just...the salt in the wound of using it for a voting and family time...

I’m sorry if I’m repeating myself but I just can’t get over it! The nerve, the audacity...it’s so low!

I honestly don’t know how Deceit remains so civil with the others, it’s truly remarkable. I applaud you, Dee. Respect. Hopefully, you’ll get fairer treatment in the future.

[mediaeval-muse]

Video Game Review: Assassin’s Creed Unity (Ubisoft, 2014)

Genres: action-adventure, third person, open world

Premise: Blaming himself for the death of his adoptive father, Frenchman Arno Dorian joins the Assassins during the French Revolution in order to seek redemption. Learning that his adoptive father was a Templar Grandmaster looking to promote peace between the Templars and Assassins, and that his birth father was an Assassin (killed by Shay in Rogue), Arno must investigate the Grandmaster’s death and contend with a changing Templar Order, while also sorting out his romantic feelings for Elise, the Grandmaster’s daughter. In the present, the Assassins contact the unnamed Absergo employee and recruit them to their cause, using Arno’s memories to find the body of a sage, which may contain traces of First Civilization DNA.

Platform Played On: PC (Windows)

Rating: 3/5 stars

***Full review under the cut.***

I am evaluating this game based on four key aspects: story, characters, gameplay, and visuals. I will also be evaluating the Dead Kings DLC. 

Content Warnings: violence, blood, body horror

Story: Assassin’s Creed Unity primarily follows Arno Dorian, an Assassin operating during the French Revolution in 18th century Paris. Following the death of his biological father, Arno is adopted by Templar Grand Master de Laserre, who keeps Arno in the dark about the Templar-Assassin conflict. Thirteen years later, de Laserre is murdered following Arno’s failure to deliver a message in time. Arno joins the Assassins to seek redemption and learns that de Laserre was trying to make peace between the Assassins and Templars, but many did not share his vision. Arno must therefore track down de Laserre’s murderer with the help of his Assassin mentor, Pierre, and Elise, de Laserre’s daughter with whom Arno is in love.

There were several elements to the main story I liked: the idea of star-crossed lovers dropped in the middle of a murder mystery during the French Revolution was intriguing, and I liked that the crux of the conflict was a reigniting of the centuries-old Assassin-Templar conflict. However, none of the “crumbs” of the mystery felt particularly engaging; Arno would track down figures which were introduced then eliminated, and even the bigger characters (Robespierre, Germain, etc) didn’t have enough charisma to carry the plot forward. Given the premise, I would have liked to see more emphasis placed on Arno’s emotional journey, since his guilt and romantic turmoil seemed to be more fruitful areas to explore than the larger mystery. I would have liked to see more flashbacks to his memories with his adopted father (like Edward’s flashbacks in Black Flag) to make the mystery feel more personal, and I would have also liked to see more tension between Arno’s Assassin loyalties and Elise’s Templar leanings. The closest we got, in my opinion, to some satisfying interiority were some ghostly figures whenever Arno visited Versailles (good, but infrequent) and a really nice trippy sequence when Arno first joins the Assassins.

I also think this plot felt different from the previous Assassin’s Creed games because there wasn’t a lot of focus on the First Civilization. Arno encounters a Sage - a figure we were introduced to in Black Flag - but there isn’t a lot of focus on First Civilization artifacts or power. It’s not an unwelcome change, but it was different.

The French Revolution was a wonderful choice for a historical backdrop, though I wish Ubisoft had done more (narratively) to make Arno feel entangled with the world. As the game stands, the French Revolution feels more like a set piece - the background is there, and Arno interacts with some historical figures, but the plot itself doesn’t necessarily need to be set during the French Revolution. I would have liked to see the setting be integrated into the main plot more, perhaps by having the Assassins and Templars be more involved with historical events.

The present-day plot which usually serves as the frame in Assassins Creed games is almost non-existent, which made it feel like a distraction rather than an integral part of the story. Most of the modern stuff was just voice-over, with an anonymous Assassin guiding the faceless and voiceless “Initiate” to comb through Arno’s memories in search of a Sage. Periodically, the voice would alert the Initiate that Abstergo was onto them, and the player would have to take Arno through a series of rifts which featured anachronistic obstacles. Personally, I found these parts more annoying than anything, and they didn’t really come together to form a plot of their own, like in previous installments.

The Dead Kings plot was pretty basic. Arno was tasked with finding a manuscript in exchange for passage out of the city. Along the way, he discovers that Napoleon Bonaparte’s subordinate is trying to find an artifact of the First Civilization, which is hidden in a temple under the church. There wasn’t a lot to set this plot apart - it did the job, and I enjoyed myself, but it wasn’t particularly memorable.

Overall, I think Unity’s plot is mainly hurt by its open world setting. The world is so expansive and full of stuff that it detracts from the main narrative; because players can pick up or put down the mystery of de Laserre’s death, it’s easy to forget about it, making it feel less consequential (or, at least, not very urgent).

Characters: Arno Dorian, the PC character, is a charming protagonist with a lot of likeable qualities. He isn’t really a fan of how the Parisian Assassins are more like a cult than a brotherhood, and he’s witty and sassy while also holding onto admirable ideals. I wish Ubisoft had given him a better plot, though I did like that they didn’t overwhelm him with grief and guilt to the point where he was broody. He mostly had a light outlook on life without downplaying the seriousness of the conflicts around him, which made him a fun character to control.

Elise, Arno’s love interest, had a lot of potential. She was independent and highly competent, and I liked that Ubisoft didn’t make her into someone in need of saving. I wish she and Arno got to work more together and that they had had more scenes where they talked about their pasts, but I guess that would have been too sappy for the target audience. Without spoiling anything, I do have mixed feelings about how her story ended. On the one hand, I think it demonstrated a real character flaw that Elise struggled with throughout the game (I like characters to have actual flaws); on the other hand, she didn’t deserve that.

Other characters were a mixed bag. Pierre, Arno’s mentor, was pretty gruff and grumpy, and I didn’t get the sense that the two were particularly close. I wish more was done to cultivate that relationship, especially given Pierre’s arc. Other Assassins were too uptight to be interesting, and the bad guys weren’t charismatic enough to be intriguing. I did like the Marquis de Sade, but that’s because he’s Extra in fun ways. Leon, a child thief in Dead Kings, was also fun, mainly because he played off Arno well.

Gameplay: Unity differs a bit from its predecessors. While the core doesn’t change - players still need to use a combination of stealth and combat to navigate an open world and achieve goals - Unity introduces skill trees and upgradable weapons/equipment. To improve Arno’s abilities, weapons, and gear, players must collect money, earn “Creed points” (awarded for doing impressive things like ledge assassinations or perfect parries), and gain “sync points” (awarded for completing missions). In addition to collecting money from chests, Arno can upgrade his base at the Cafe Theatre to gain a steady income, though there aren’t any widespread economic mechanics, such as the forts/strongholds in Assassin’s Creed 2 or Black Flag/Rogue.

Unity also infamously introduces “helix credits,” a type of currency that players can acquire by paying real, out-of-game money for. Helix credits unlock abilities and upgrades faster (or else just access exclusive content from the online store). I hate this concept just based on principle, so I spent a lot of time exploring the map and unlocking every chest until I built up enough money to purchase legendary equipment.

Weapons themselves were easy to pick up and use, with familiar things such as the hidden blade, one-handed swords, two-handed weapons, pistols, berserk darts, smoke bombs, poison gas bombs, and the like. New weapons included the phantom blade (a silent projectile), the guillotine gun (a gun/blade hybrid gained in Dead Kings), and the introduction of long-arms (such as halberds). I found most of these weapons easy to use, though I did have to get used to the fact that the hidden blade is not selectable as a primary weapon - Arno uses it automatically when doing a stealth kill, but draws his sword or other weapon whenever the player engages in combat.

In terms of movement and stealth, I liked that Arno’s animations were more inspired by real parkour, but I did find it harder to move precisely in this game for whatever reason. I often got stuck on a ledge or wasn’t able to change direction very fast, all of which caused me to fail missions or get killed fairly quickly. I also didn’t like that Ubisoft removed the ability to whistle and draw enemies to a hiding spot; while there were haystacks and structures to hide behind or in, enemies wouldn’t walk by them very often, making them difficult to use for ambushes or stealth kills.

Side quests/activities included a range of things, from “Paris Stories” (quirky missions where Arno had to go kill someone or steal something), to Murder Mysteries (in which Arno had to search for clues and arrest the correct culprit to achieve unique weapons and armor), to “Nostradamus Enigmas” (riddles which led to different landmarks and rewarded Arno with keys to the legendary armor beneath his base). I personally found these fun, even if a lot of them weren’t memorable. They did their job and provided some entertaining little narratives, so I can’t complain too much.

Unity also introduces a lot of coop multiplayer missions, which can be completed with other players or on your own. Players can form or join “social clubs,” which are mainly just teams of gamers, or search the internet and complete missions with strangers. While I liked that the coop missions were able to be completed alone (they were harder, but not impossible) and I was able to play some missions with a friend, I did not like that most of them required players to replay them 3 times in order to get all collectibles and rewards. For a completist, the coop missions will be repetitive, and at times frustrating if there’s a locked door you can’t access without upgrading your skills.

In terms of collectibles, Unity primarily has money chests, cockades (which unlock color schemes for Arno’s outfits), newspapers, artifacts, and nomad points (which can be used in the companion app). Other than the money, I didn’t find the collectibles very rewarding - I didn’t have the companion app, and I didn’t much care for new color schemes or armor/equipment.

Dead Kings introduces tricorns as collectibles while also inserting a few “Franciade Stories,” Murder Mysteries, and “Suger Enigmas,” all of which resemble their counterparts in the base game. The enigmas in Dead Kings were a bit harder than those in the base game because the answers weren’t necessarily in or around landmarks; players have to really pay attention to the map instead of relying on the database for historical clues. I also found it annoying that players could get accidentally stuck in Dead Kings; if you start the DLC unintentionally, you can’t return to the base game until after you complete the first mission. It really sucks if you’re underpowered or just want to experience the narratives in order.

Visuals: Unity is a visually stunning game, with a lot of beautifully-rendered environments, character designs, and the like. The streets of Paris feel like they are inundated with chaos, with crowds of shouting people moving past walls papered with posters and defaced by graffiti, while the interiors are detailed according to the social class of the inhabitants. Arno can wander into a poor person’s home, empty save for the basics, or a rich person’s, decorated with gold and elegant paneling. I very much enjoyed exploring the world and seeing landmarks such as Notre Dame overlooking a rich, vibrant world.

I also really liked Arno’s outfits, all of which captured an 18th century aesthetic. Arno can wear a number of coats, hoods, pants, belts, and bracers, all of which feature a blue, white, and red color scheme by default. I liked that the color scheme wasn’t based around white, as in previous games, as it made Arno feel more part of his world.

In terms of animation, Unity is really buggy, even years after release. Characters would float in the air or get stuck in odd places, but even so, I didn’t find it difficult to complete the game. I did really like that Arno’s combat animations were inspired by fencing, and his kills were fluid and elegant, almost like a dance.

Final Verdict: Although Assassin’s Creed Unity attempts to bring a new kind of gameplay to the franchise and includes some charming protagonists, the difficult controls, lack of engaging plot, and introduction of microtransactions make it merely an average installment in the series.

[totaldramafan-lauri]

Reflecting (Keep Moving Forward followup)

So, uh....first off.....if you’re reading this, I hope you have a Merry Christmas (if you celebrate it)!

It’s been over a month since I made that vow to keep moving forward.....but it’s been so hard.....It’s getting easier recently, though, as I’ve been able to think clearer.....bit by bit.....

Below is gonna be me venting about stuff that happened, and about myself and the lessons I’ve learned, so if that doesn’t interest you, don’t bother reading. I just.....wanted to....spill things out somewhere, where I’m not forcing people to listen to me.....And hopefully, this’ll be the last post I’ll have about this subject, or at least, one this long....

When it happened.....I was so taken off-guard....I was devastated and worried....and in my fear, I focused on the wrong things.....

I was SO caught up on the fact that....my friends....who I care so much about.....who I liked talking to, and sharing things with, and had such fun with .....were accusing me of hurting them, which was like, one of my worst fears....I was so blindsided by how quickly things went south......from being told that I’m loved, valid, and that I’m not annoying, and I’m fun to be around....s-stuff I wanted to believe.....to suddenly being told that I WAS annoying and obnoxious the entire time, and that I was actually an awful, selfish guilt-tripper who only wanted attention.....And.....that’s.....that’s not me.....

They brought up past events that.....I’d already either apologized for, swore to never do again, or was already made aware of and was trying to dial back on.....A-and that made it worse.....It felt like none of that mattered.....that I was so terrible that I could never truly change for the better, even as I tried to....And the part that hurt the most about the whole thing was not being believed. I didn’t expect them to forgive me, especially not right away.....I just wanted them to believe me....But no one believed me when I apologized again. No one believed me when I told them I didn’t mean any harm to any of them, and said that I’m completely aware of my mistakes, trying to be better, and would try not to repeat any of the crap I did before. Nothing I said was hitting at all, it was like I was just white noise to them.....

And after it was over, I thought about it more, let it sit with me......as I sobbed my face off, of and on, for days.....I hated knowing I hurt my friends, I hated it, hated it.....Thinking about what they were going through around me....Were they really that hurt? Was I really as awful as they said? Am I really incapable of changing and being better? What should I do to make everyone happy? Is it best for them if I wasn’t there anymore? Is it best for everyone? Do I deserve this pain, for everyone’s sake? Is everyone better off if I.....went away.....forever......?

But thankfully.....the tears slowly dried.....Thanks to the friends I still have, I got back on my feet, though it took a bit......And I’ve obviously looked back on everything a LOT.....And as the pain dulled, I started to think clearer....And identify the root causes of my mistakes.

Yes....I did mess up. I’m not the victim here. Just because it hurt, doesn’t mean I didn’t deserve to be called out.  Everything I said before this was how I felt in the moment, but this is how I feel about it presently:

It’s true that I never wanted to hurt anyone. EVER. I’m one of the least threatening people on the planet. I’m a socially-awkward, anxious mess of a person who struggles with the simplest of things. I’m timid, shy, but once I get comfy, I’ll ramble on, and fangirl....and I get flustered very easily. When I get flustered, I say stupid things. I do stupid things. And.....I'm constantly worrying about being annoying. I never had any hidden agendas to “make everything revolve around me” or anything like that. In fact.....I HATE the feeling of controlling other people (It was actually a running thing that I was the most submissive person in the server). I prefer being a follower to a leader, scared of disappointing people I care for. And I NEVER wanted any more attention than anyone else. I know I’m not important. I was just another fangirl in a server full of them. A server that belonged to everyone equally......Everyone got to be happy, and that’s part of what made it so great.....Every time one of my friends got attention, I’d watch, sure, but I’d never intentionally take away from them. No matter how much I reacted, no matter how flustered I’d get, no matter how many stupid noises I made...If I knew that I was stealing attention, I would’ve tried to step back, but still getting anxious over letting people I care about down.....in case they really DID want to indulge me....

I absolutely hate forcing people to do things they don’t wanna do. Whenever someone does something for me, I want it to be because they WANT to. I’d ask things like “Are you sure?” out of anxiety. This is especially true of RPing. My anxiety over RPing is so bad that I’ll never initiate one. I always want people who RP with me to actively have fun doing it, not because I’m forcing it. I always worry about the people I do it with, and if they’re having fun, or if I’m being a waste of time....And if, at any point, I had picked up on the fact that I was forcing anything, I would’ve backed off right away and apologized.

So, me being called.....m-manipulative....? That hurt....because that’s not me.....and that’s why I.....got so defensive.....

But.....like I said at the start.....I was focusing on the wrong things.

Sure, that one part was a misunderstanding. But who flipping cares? I still messed up. I messed up BADLY. It doesn’t matter if it was intentional or not. I still hurt people I care about, and I still deserved to be called out for it. While it’s true that nothing I did was intentional, they still brought up good points about me that I needed to hear, even if it hurt. After letting everything sit with me for a month, I’m finally able to address it, and put it in text so that I’ll never forget it. I guess.....this is my own callout post to myself.

So....the biggest cause of all of this.....is self-hatred.

It’s no secret to anyone who knows me that I.....don’t really have a high opinion of myself, and I consider everyone who I get attached to to be more deserving of nice things than me. The biggest example is when it comes to Spinel....I’d always be so so self-conscious when thinking about how she’d view me compared to my friends, who are more entertaining, and more deserving of her attention....at least, in my eyes. I wasn’t jealous of the attention they’d get, though (I’d cheer them on), I just looked up to them. At first, this wasn’t a huge problem as a lot of my friends had the same issues. But.....it got worse. Over time, my mind attacked me more and more.....I blamed myself for nearly every uncomfortable or bad situation that would happen.....and started to fear being left out and being alone. This led to situations of me basically going into tangents over how much I hate myself over things that had nothing to do with me. I’d blame myself, over and over again.....

Every single time I would beat myself up over being boring/useless/annoying/etc, my friends were always there, comforting me and making me feel better. But here’s the thing: I started doing this IN THE WRONG PLACES, at THE WRONG TIMES. Like, I would offhandedly mention how I wish I was more like someone else and have to be assured I was fine, during someone else’s moments, because I was an idiot and it didn’t hit me that people would actually stop what they’re doing to talk to me. I can even remember a few times when a friend was having a really bad day, and I would have a mental breakdown over worrying about them, needing to be calmed down. THAT could’ve been kept to myself. Like I said before, I never EVER intended to get special treatment compared to anyone else. But, the way I’d constantly moan about how “It’s all my fault”, “I’m so sorry I’m so annoying”, and especially the constant self-consciousness over Spinel.....All of that.....how every single time, it ended with people comforting me in some way......it was EASY for them to interpret all of that as guilt-trippy. I wasn’t aware of it then, but I can see why people would think that now. I kept doing it, cuz I was so comfortable venting to them that.....I got into a habit of it. In my head, it was just a thing that we all did, not just me. But I had no idea of what I was doing, and how often, until I had to have it spelled out to me......and that’s just....yikes. Luckily, I’ve learned now that there’s a time and a place to vent, and I’ve made a real effort to dial back on my self-deprecating comments, after being called out....but it didn’t matter anymore. It was one case of “I learned my lesson, but I did it so often in the past that no one believes me when I say that.” And I have no one to blame there but myself.....

But I will still take that message to heart, and will try to pass it to others. There’s a time and place to vent your insecurities. Do it in a dedicated space if you can. Don’t do it in a way that brings down the mood, or in any way that could be an interruption.

But that wasn’t the only mistake I made. Oh no no no. It gets even worse. My self-loathing issues have done worse than annoy people and get misinterpreted. I’ve said things that I extremely regret saying.

So.....in.....either late August or early September....around that time, things got a lot more stressful and sad in the server. There was a period where it seemed like every other day, a friend would have some kind of breakdown and leave the server. When someone I care about isn’t feeling well, my worry over them makes me overly-anxious, and....yyyyyyeah, my mind became even meaner to me. Th-the point is, people I cared about were having a hard time, and....I spent a lot of time worrying and stressing over them. I felt helpless.....I wished I could help them and make them feel better, the way they helped me....and, I started overthinking a lot of things, wondering if I was a bad friend.

I was so sick of myself for always saying “I suck at cheering people up besides being a distraction” and using that as an excuse to not do anything....It felt like I was doing the same thing over and over again: worrying about people while being too shy to reach out, and worrying that not reaching out made it seem like I didn’t really care.....

There’s one friend of mine.....who is really good at cheering me up when I’m depressed. He’s done it multiple times. I never ask to be cheered up, but.....he seems to always know what to say. And.....I look up to him. I wanna be a person like that.....a good friend who knows what to say......and......

And so I tried. After a certain point, I decided to stop whining and try reaching out to my friends more. I DMed more often, wrote them things, tried showing them I care. And at first, I thought I was doing the right thing, even if it was outside my comfort zone. It was worth it if I made someone feel just a little bit better while in a bad place.

But....I wasn’t good at it. At all. I was way too anxious to act calmly in those situations, and as a result, most of them.....didn’t go so well. As in, I never, I dunno, thought things through before saying them. Which, when talking to someone emotionally vulnerable, you should ALWAYS DO. I should know! I AM one of those people!

A lot of the time, I.....I struggle to convey my emotions properly. When I’m emotional, I say stupid things without thinking. Sometimes, it’s something that sounded fine in my head, but once I say it or type it out, I realize how wrong it really sounded. One thing about me is that I’ll never take the cheap excuse of “It was the autism’s fault” or “It was the anxiety’s fault”, because....stuff like that sounds so wrong to me. Those things are a part of myself, so blaming them is really just another way of saying that I was wrong. But yes, it’s true that a lot of autistic people suffer from the same social issues that I do. Coming off as insensitive by talking without thinking. This also goes back to what I mentioned earlier about how I act like an idiot when I’m flustered. I get emotional, I stop thinking. That’s all there is to it. And I wish I could just......stop.

While trying to talk to a friend who was going through a hard time, there were occasions where, either out of stress or evil brain jumping to conclusions, I would bring my self-loathing issues into the situation. AGAIN, with the self-loathing in the wrong place at the wrong time! When someone I care about isn’t feeling well, my worry over them makes me overly-anxious. ....I’d try to say “I hope you’re doing OK! We miss you!” and after a bit, it was devolve into “Please please come back, I’m sorry if I did anything wrong, I’m such an awful friend, boohoo”, and......yikes? After this distance, I realize just how badly-worded a lot of the stuff I said was.

Sometimes, I would catch on to what I said really quickly, instantly feel guilty, and delete the message, hoping no one saw it (guess what: that doesn’t change anything if they still saw it), but other times, I was so dang OBLIVIOUS to just how obnoxious I was acting, and needed it spelled out to me.

The ultimate irony is that, in trying to be there for my friends, I was such an emotional wreck that....I ended up coming across as selfish instead. The exact opposite of my intention.

I wanted to be like my friend, and failed. All cuz I let my own feelings get in the way.

Whenever I’d be called out on something, I’d apologize. And afterward, I’d do my very best to never repeat my mistakes. After being called out for sticking my nose in where I wasn’t wanted, I stopped initiating DMs with anyone who didn’t wanna talk, and made extra careful to double-check things I said. I was extra cautious about everything, scared of messing up again.

And....it seemed like my apologies were accepted, and things were fine again. But.....there came a point where it’d just been.....enough.

The damage was done. The conclusions about me were made. And my reaction - getting defensive over a misunderstanding instead of actually focusing on the fact that good points were made about me - didn’t help matters.

I poured my heart and soul apologizing to them, swearing over and over again that I learned my lesson. And.....almost no one believed me. Because I messed up THAT badly. Everything that came out of my mouth was taken as a sob story. And the feeling of not being believed and trusted anymore hurt so badly that I......shattered. I broke down.....

But now, thinking clearly, I see the full picture better. I see the truth behind the misunderstanding, and boil everything down to the core issues that I can focus on improving.

Sure, I’m not manipulative, and I’ll take those words to my grave. But I was still oblivious, annoying, invasive, and my self-loathing was a MAJOR problem that I let leak into too many conversations. It got to the point where it came off as guilt-trippy and attention-seeking. I can’t deny that anymore. That’s how people saw it. Sure, it was never intentional, but no more sugar-coating.

My biggest problems were: 1. The self-loathing problems, and 2. The obliviousness of what I was doing and how it made people feel. Those are the core issues. Everything else can be traced back here.

And.....that’s everything. All my self-reflecting, summed up here. A reminder of my mistakes.

I’m so sorry.....for everything I did. I’m working on it.....I promise. Thank you for letting me know.

This is the kind of apology I should’ve given them.....Properly self-aware, not that overdramatic mush....

.....I was never mad at them for saying those things. Even when the wounds were fresh, I was never mad at them, only myself and the situation.....I didn’t wanna hate them, I wanted to make things right.....And.....M-maybe it’s me being weak, but.....I still think the world of them now. I still think of them as my friends.....Especially now, when I can look back and try to understand why they did it. They were hurt, and they were only doing what was best for them......And I hope they’re all happy now that it’s taken care of. Cuz....they deserve to be happy.

I know that all I can really do is talk about how I feel, and give my side of the story, but I’ve still thought a lot about what they must have felt.....How hurt they were, what they thought, and if it was hard to do.....I can never truly know without communicating. And, for the sake of their privacy, and not bringing up specific details, I won’t put words in anyone’s mouth. This is mainly about my feelings, because that’s all I can share. But yes, this isn’t the whole story.

Sure, it still sucks, knowing that without some kind of magic lie detector, I can never truly prove that I never wanted to use or hurt anyone, and that I really did care about them so much.....but I have to live with it. This is the price I have to pay.

And through the experience, I learned important lessons that I’ll keep close to my heart.

Back when the wounds were fresh, I was blaming every little thing about me, trying to find justification that I was unlovable trash and didn’t deserve happiness. I blamed things that weren’t at fault at all, or that I have no control over, like preferences and squicks.....anything that could’ve been annoying people all along......But, I think I finally got it straightened out now.

My feelings for Spinel aren’t at fault here. (After all, I wasn’t the only one who had them) While my ramblings about not feeling worthy of her attention, and the stupid things I’d say when flustered over her, caused some issues, those things stem from personal faults of mine that have always been there. My self-loathing would still be just as bad if she wasn’t there. I’d just be directing it at something or someone else. So, no, I’m not forcing myself to get over her. I don’t blame her. Thinking about her brings me comfort still, after all this time....and I don’t wanna let that go. I can improve as a person, and still.....l-love her.....

No, I learned what I REALLY have to change, and have already made the steps to do so. I’ve made new rules for myself. I’ve started internalizing my self hatred and anxiety more instead of oversharing it. I only vent my issues in private places, or on here, where I’m not forcing people to read my crap. I’m DONE with forcing anyone to listen over and over again about how I hate myself, and.....how I’m now in this endless cycle of hating myself FOR hating myself.....it’s a lose-lose situation either way. Point is, no more of those self-loathing tangents unless it’s called for.

And other things, too......I’ve been extra careful about RPing, I’ve been extra careful about joining conversations, and.....about everything, really. Especially DMing. Now more than ever, I’m scared of forcing people to pay attention to me....I’m worried about coming off the wrong way. When someone pays attention to me, I don’t want it to be forced. I wanna believe I deserve it. If I ever deserve anything.....(And finally, one last minor change: I’ll no longer voice chat unless I’m muted. My voice is seriously obnoxious, especially when flustered, to the point where I’ll unintentionally insert myself into conversations just by making stupid noises in the background. I’m too loud. SCREW my voice. I hate my voice. No more.)

And, as the past month or so has gone on, and I’ve slowly recovered, and gotten past this period of self-reflection.....I’ve started talking to people again, slowly regaining the confidence to do so.....while keeping my new rules in mind. And, I’m happy to say that I haven’t messed up.....yet. Don’t wanna jinx it. But yeah.....maybe I really have improved.....

And.....for the past couple weeks.....I’ve been......happy? Well, the happiest I’ve been since that day. I’m no longer miserable, and I’m in good spirits. That’s good, cuz it means that I’m not bothering people!

So....I’m optimistic. Maybe that’s a bad thing.....but at the moment, it doesn’t feel that way.

In the near future, I.....I do wanna reach out to the friends I hurt. I wanna try apologizing one last time. Maybe that’s me not wanting to let go, but.....I really care for them, and we had so much fun together......It felt like we made each other happy, before everything got bad.....I don’t wanna feel like everything we ever did was because I was awful.....the whole time.....I don’t want the memories to be tainted.....

But.....I’m scared to go back right now......I’m scared of messing it up by getting emotional again. If they don’t forgive me, that’s fine. That’s their choice to make. But I at least want them to believe me.....and if that doesn’t happen, then it’s my fault again.

So....yeah.....I do wanna go back and give it one last try.....but later, when I’m SURE I’m ready. For now, as long as I feel like there’s a part of me that’s gonna get all dramatic and moody, I’m not ready. Cuz I wanna push that part of me away. No more pity parties. No more....no more talking over them. I’ll let them beat into me if it’ll make them feel better......and I’ll be happy to be forgiven, if that’ll make them feel better.

Either way, I don’t want it to end like this....but......is it selfish to want closure? Cuz, even if I don’t get forgiveness.....at least give me that. At least let me end this on a respectful note. Cuz....I don’t wanna be a coward. I don’t wanna just.....move on without taking the steps to fix the situation, especially with the people that were there for me so often......

Geez, this got long......sorry if you read all of this. I just.....wanted to put this all somewhere......TLDR: I’m so incredibly sorry for everything I’ve ever done, and I’m taking the steps I can to improve myself and become a better person. It’s not easy, and I’ll never forgive myself for the mistakes I’ve made.....but I’ll try to get there somehow.

Keep moving forward......