#larger themes important to jessie’s character i won’t belabor.

[adelaidedrubman]

What was Jess doing/thinking during her first visit to the Bliss and jumping off the statue of Joseph? (forgive me if this is or isn't in her canon, I'm still catching up with Wildfire)

ALL GOOD BB THANK YOU FOR ASKING AND FOR READING AT ALL. it in fact very recently (last chapter) became part of her official/published canon, so below cut in case anyone is looking to catch up and doesn’t want it spoiled!! (and because it’s a really long answer, sorry about that as always don’t feel obligated to read All Of That. tried to keep it vague and mostly director’s commentary tho.) 

so jessie’s first official trip to the bliss (as a fully hallucinated “place” that is, she’d had lower level bliss exposure and implied intoxication at several points prior in the fic) was sorta nestled into the “blow up joseph’s statue” mission. long story short what was running through her mind was essentially: 

she’s exploding that man and having a blast. she’s making funny commentary to herself about it. she’s not high even a little bit. those butterflies are annoying and she’s a little nauseous, but mostly she’s all good and having fun! she’s especially loving burning joseph’s book! 

then comes the turn, all at once — local woman pays attention to what she’s doing long enough to realize she’s burning a book filled with biographical information about john seed, something she’d previously tortured a man and retraumatized several john victims in order to pry for. at the same time she’s trying unsuccessfully to salvage the book (too uncoordinated due to bliss to do so) (something something can’t put out every fire once you start it, haha metaphors) and just drops it off the statue instead as faith says her “what have you done? don’t you understand what he’ll do to me?” line from the mission and jessie’s officially in Full Bad Time Freak Out mode.

she spirals into hallucinating a conversation with her deadparents that bleeds into her most traumatic childhood memory of seeing her mother abused by her father. then transitions into a confrontation with sleep paralysis demon john to emphasize like. oh no the weight of it all wrt her survivor’s guilt tied to other people being hurt in her place and her prioritization of and emotional intimacy with the man terrorizing hope county….. bro the rammys of her actions….. 

from there it’s officially faith time at which point jessie is thinking “things are suddenly good and chill now.” they chat a bit for which jessie is mostly nonverbal and Just Laying There but still feels an artificial sense of closeness and trust with faith due to the bliss — until the point faith makes a remark about things “not needing to be difficult” and jessie suddenly remembers who she is and that not being difficult Isn’t Her Heart (callback to last chapter john saying audibly lovestruck she’s difficult about absolutely everything), manages to move and makes an unsuccessful attempt to swing on faith. 

trippy stuff happens, jessie realizes the statue is still there and faith guides her off of it into the canon Leap. apocalypse visions and The Horrors, it’s implied another person falls with her who she sees as a shifting multi-person amalgam hallucination. she passes out, implied sleep paralysis return to consciousness during which she thinks she’s actually paralyzed and dying from the fall. notices john’s watch which she’s been wearing is undamaged and relaxes a little, back to sleep. (callback to earlier chapter when seeing john asleep beside her chilled her out during a sleep paralysis episode) (despite the horrors, she learns nothing! still emotionally prioritizing him!) (nothing will happen later to reemphasize she should in fact stay examining her guilt about that don’t worry!)

while writing it i sorta tried to play (idk if it was successfully) with time distortions and imply that the entirety of the hallucination could have Real Time taken place in the few seconds it took her to Realize Things and drop the book and was just this drawn out nightmare of every repressed thing running through her mind in the instant that it happened. 

tl;dr: she has a bad time. she needs a vacation from this vacation!