#it came out weird as fuck tho
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Bad, about Cellbit pulling a knife on Tina when Bad jokingly said to kill her: “It wasn’t anything to do with Tina, it was like throwing a ball and saying fetch.”
#ARGHDKDKDKDJ#he was trying to be comforting to Bagi btw and he was defending Cellbit#he was trying to say ‘he wasn’t threatening Tina he was just reacting’#it came out weird as fuck tho#AHH Q!CELLBIT IS TO Q!BAD LIKE A STRAY DOG IS TO THE FIRST FRIENDLY HAND THAT FEEDS#qsmp#qsmp liveblog#qsmp badboyhalo#qsmp bagi#qsmp cellbit
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They're Tired
Lineart available for download on my patreon if any of yall wanna colour them
KoFi || Patreon
#sad•leonart#rottmnt#rise of the tmnt#rise leo#rise leonardo#rise future leo#rise ruture leonardo#rottmnt leo#rottmnt leonardo#rottmnt future leo#rottmnt future leonardo#damn. tumblr really killed the quality on this one#had lyrics and dialogue ideas but none of them stuck#also i fucking hate it#the second metal knee thing shouldnt be visilbe according to the foot position#but i only noticed after i completely finished#i do really love how the mask tails came out tho#if i get any weird comments on this i will fight#because that was a consistent thought throughout the whole fucking 6 hour process#i should stop venting in the tags slfjsldjfsd#vent art#technically#probably shoulda put a shadow under them#oh well
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#aroflare art#doodle#splatoon#splatoon fanart#splatoon art#lethal company#i fucking LOVE the coil head design i made btw. it's meant to be the museum d'alfonsino statues that got thrown out#the other 2 r great im happy i came up with ways to turn the monsters into salmonids while at least keeping the vibe#ie loot fish even without having wings was designed to be weird as possible. or eyeless salmon keeping as much as the red as possible#maybe ill do more. who knows. i have no idea what the hell to do for nutcracker#company building is pretty obvious tho. big fuckin ooze pile behind the wall that consumed nearly an entire planet#OK BYE sorry my. splatooning syndrome is strong
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OOOH BABY THIS ONE WAS A LONG TIME COMING. NIGHTMARE NIGHTMARE NIGHTMARE!!
YOU THOUGHT IT WAS A DAY LIKE ANY OTHER. A DAY OF ADVENTURE WITH YOUR CLOSEST FRIENDS. OH HOW TIGHTLY YOU HOLD THEM TO YOUR CHEST, AND OH HOW TERRIFYING IT IS TO WATCH THEM GET EVISCERATED BY SOMETHING YOU DONT UNDERSTAND. MAYBE IF YOU JUST LISTENED A BIT MORE, IF YOU LET THE SMART ONE LEAD THE CHARGE, THIS WOULDNT HAVE HAPPENED. ONCE AGAIN YOUR IMPULSIVENESS LEADS TO DISASTER. HEAR ME NOW, YOUNG TIDESTRIDER, YOUR STUPIDITY WILL BRING THE DEMISE OF EVERYTHING YOU WERE BORN AND FORGED TO PROTECT. HOW COULD THE PROPHECY HAVE CHOSEN SOMEONE SO USELESS? I BET YOU WISH YOU CHOSE THE RIGHT LEVER. FAILURE.
#jrwi fanart#jrwi show#jrwi riptide spoilers#jrwi riptide#cw gore#cw blood#cw eyestrain#THE NIGHTMARE ARC WAS CRAAAZY IVE BEEN WORKIN ON THIS SHIT SINCE THAT EP CAME OUT OHHH MY GOOOODD#ITS DONE ITS DONE I DONT CAAAARE I CANT LOOK AT IT ANYMORE JUST TAAAAKE IT#IT WAs meant to just be a buncha silly doodles and. well. then i saw all the beautiful colors in the world#and i just really wanted to draw jay getting fucked up by a lazer#IGNOREEEE THE DIFFERING ARTSTYLES THIS HAS LITERALLY BEEN COOKING FOR MONTHS AND I AM TALENTED IN MANY DIFFERENT WAYS#I LOVE COLORS!!! if you look clooosesly youll notice that gillions eyes are bright green everytime#the dream stuff is all reddish and the waking world stuff is blue#I ALSO LOve drawing tears and that weird thick blood pouring from the wounds in his chest#i also LOVE drawing Dead Eyes (eyes of some1 who is dead) poor chip lmaooo everyone point n laugh at this guy who got Power Word: killed#he care so much for gillion tho... when he was breaking jay out he was like 'we gotta save gill' BUT#THAT WAS DREAM CHIP. THATS HOW GILLION SEES CHIP.. gillion knows these two love n care for him so much AUUUUUU#MORE IDEAS: i like to think gillion knows what price looks like bc chip has shown him Via his funny magic Disguise Self Bandana#also kinda unrelated but still in this episode. ive never seen gryffon act so homosexual. admitting he goes to like. 'male service' or wate#like that was all in gills dream. does gill just see gryffon as a fruit or somethin. does he Know?#okayokay i think i got most o the worms out of my BRAIN. i just love blood and terror and horror and fear so mmuuuuch#and i hope u love it too. have a good day if you can help it
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there is not enough femslash in batcest circles. the girls deserve to be just as weird about each other as the boys are. if BruDick gets to be weird father/son/brothers/lovers/friends/rivals/soulmates then it is only fair that Babs/Cass get to be mother/daughter/sisters/lovers too. Something about that deep intrinsic but undefinable love that is born out of trauma, especially if you consider Cass not knowing what healthy love looks like in the first place. i think it's fun and deserves just as much fandom content.
besides that, you can get even more niche with rarepairs like Helena/Steph. Huntress/Spoiler: Blunt Trauma is already a fantastic comic and even though it's their only real canon interaction it has so much potential. very comparable to TimJay in how Helena tries to get Steph to understand her morals and the corruption you could play with it.
batman: huntress/spoiler: blunt trauma (1998)
that comic also highlights on how both Steph and Helena are outcasts of the Batfamily and don't have the approval of Bruce to be doing what they do in "his city". I think there's so much Potential in Helena taking Steph under her wing because Bruce won't let her in and it becomes a weird codependent toxic sapphic mess. I think the protectiveness Helena feels over Steph from the get-go is so clear and the way she wants to look out for Steph, wants to make sure Steph understands the real world? I love them. Helena should be allowed to steal Steph, actually. I think it'd be fun.
there are a lot of other possibilities too like Babs/Steph or even getting weird with Helena Bertinelli/Helena Wayne and the existential question of "is it selfcest or not." But these two specifically live in my head rent-free, especially Helena/Steph and one day I'll convince everyone else to ship it too.
#batcest#necrotic festerings#how do i tag ships that are almost non-existent#helena bertinelli x stephanie brown#cassandra cain x barbara gordon#as resident huntress fan my answer to the is helena w/helena b selfcest depends entirely on which version of helena wayne you're using.#pre-crisis!helena wayne/pre-flashpoint!helena bertinelli? yes i agrue is selfcest adjacent at least#because helena bertinelli was meant to be an adaptation of helena wayne#if it's jsa (2022)!helena wayne then it's *not* selfcest because they co-exist in the same universe#and according to current lore helena wayne was named after bertinelli and took the name huntress in her honor#which is a *choice* for sure but that's a different post#i still think shipping them is super fun in a “don't meet your heroes” sort of way with helena wayne time travelling#and then potentially running into bertinelli and realizing she's not what wayne thought she was and it being weird toxic shit#as for new-52 helena wayne. i do not acknowledge her and will not comment.#*god* I hate new-52 huntress.#(imo it would be selfcest tho bc they tried to make helena wayne a bertinelli clone. so. there's that.)#i'm going to write a helena/steph fic some day and none of you bitches can stop me#yeah yeah we have stephcass but y'all have sanitized the fuck out of that to convince yourselves it's not batcest and that made it boring.#and helena/babs is neat and all but i prefer helena/zinda when it comes to BoP ships#i should've included panels for cass/babs but it's been a while since i read batgirl (2000) so none immediately came to mind#i have a *lot* more helena/steph thoughts but no braincell to word them. know i will talk about them again.#they got one whole comic and now i won't let them go#also cass/helena is fun for combating morals and the complicated batgirl mantle#cass wears the batgirl suit *helena* made y'all think i can't make that romantic bc i can and will#if we have robin pile then give me batgirl pile#babs/helena/steph/cass hell throw in bette too.
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Huevember Day 4 (a week late but i wont tattle if you dont...)
No I will literally NEVER shut up about these twins and how they were given one of the most horrific backstories in the entire show and it just. NEVER GETS ADDRESSED. Dang. TFA really has the best fridge horror <3
#my art#huevember#maccadam#tfa#huevember day 4#huevember 2023#jettwins#jetfire#tfa jetfire#fire tw#explosion tw#i- i actually REALLY like how this came out holy heck#i wouldve included jetstorm but he wouldve looked a bit weird being in the orange hue#accidentally put my headmate through a bit of a bad time while making this bUT HES OKAY NOW SORRY J ILY#Youre gonna take this goddamn glow pen out of my cold dead hands i love glow effects SO fuckin much#and hey just beat my 2020 record of only doing 3 huevembers!!#srsly tho 'Find me someone expendable' is deadass a canon line said by ULTRA MAGNUS what the FUCK#love when the autobots arent always 100% good like they do war crimes too damn
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why does Dave drug karkat? Is he like…flighty or something??
buoy is he.
karkat is not the most compliant captive, see.... especially since dave doesn't seem to want to actively harm him and acts so passive most of the time, so even with the possibility of things going sour that does not stop him from trying!! unfortunately, dave knows much too well how to handle these situations :/
but since karkat is so persistent and loud, sometimes a buoy has no options u kno? ;T
#all kinds of drugs to calm him down#and by calm him down i mean ranging from high enough to not be able to form a single word to knocked out cold. depending on the situation#homestuck#yes i referenced sensei's poor-shrimp based comic there lol#(hate how you can tell when i did and didnt use references. ack. rawbogged nearly everyfin)#davekat#karkat vantas#dave strider#yandere dave#ruroekaki#ask#karkat is not the most skilled in untying ropes but he can be creative enough to find ways how to(happened more than once)#and also screaming loud as FUCK!!!#its ok tho dave is a musician so no one finds weird the fact that his walls are soundproof :3#if people even came to this weirdo's apartment in the first place#he's a bit of a lone loser. yea#GRAAAAAAAAH I NEED TO TALK MORE ABOAT THEM!!!!!!!!!!!!! GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR.......
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its been like. nearly a year (How.) already but i cannot lie theres Still a part in the back of my brain occupied with and being thoroughly entertained by the way that childes confirmed 4.0 complete self-awareness over waking up the narwhal at 14 recontextualizes some key liyue things leading to some very funny self indulgent scenarios in my head
like yes chili is old news its basic please excuse me for predictable popular ship crimes (do NOT however associate me w the crimes of fanon against their actual range. theyre peak to Me) but i just keep replaying the imagery of zhongli and childe back on their homoerotic Professional Working Relationship bullshit where their flirting passed the jkjk unless treshold of even remotely plausible deniability like 8 exorbitantly priced business dinners ago and theyre just like. doing that whole song and dance now neither committing to a move except zhonglis presently feeling moderately conflicted (but nonetheless fairly unfazed at) by the prospects of actually developing some sort of a thing for the harbinger hes supposed to puppet master into executing the major story climax of his 67-step retirement plan bc he turned out to be quite the strangely charming ginger specimen (to His weird fucking 6000 year old tastes at least. they deserve each other) with some fascinating life ambitions he cant help but be enraptured by.
but because hes still 100% Locked In on his entire plan zhonglis also just . simultaneously dual wielding his coy-ass "i like you and am taking it slow to Savor this developing relationship (Also bc of the Geo Archon Shaped Elephant In The Room) except am old as shit so my languid sense of time inadvertedly Automatically turns my behavior into an equivalent of the dark souls boss of playing hard2get" act (cue "waddup im ajax 24 and im in fucking agony with this hot funeral consultant". Yes they live like this) AND also meticulously theorycrafting like 12 moves in advance for his 6d chess play of leaving the most subtly crafted trail of breadcrumbs behind for the tsaritsas 11th to follow into the intended & completely "Coincidental" idea of unleashing the one particular sealed sea deity that zhongli Specifically wants momentarily released for his sweet 6k retirement party and graduation test for the nation hes helicopter parented for 3.7k years .
like. this is zhongli we r talking about the guy Absolutely has it planned out down to a fucking art like he has an entire branching path dialogue tree planned and memorized like its a visual novel for every possible way he can conveniently namedrop osial in a non-suspect way and also that he just happens to be sealed right over there across the harbor (what a coincidence!) and also to slip in the intel about the latent power of the sigil of permission etc etc. like zhonglis just out there doing all this massive galaxy brain computational work simultaneously while infodumping on an academic level about whichever subject childes latest random comment of amicable small talk happened to remind him of because in his helicopter parent in remission mind its Absolutely Critical that the idea about releasing osial occurs Completely organically in childes mind it Has to he Cannot risk revealing anything . (hes in remission not in recovery guys.) so like here we are. he requested notes from the tsaritsa Personally on the character of her 11th just to ensure every move was painstakingly crafted to draw him Specifically to the intended conclusion without risking revealing his true identity .
except. the thing . neither he. nor the tsaritsa . would have been informed of . is that this simply isnt childes first fucking rodeo waking up an eldritch city sized sea creature . and he is very well aware of this fact . he woke that beautiful wonderful beloved huge fucking narwhal up by himself had his brain chemistry Immediately and Irrevocably rewired as a direct consequence do you fucking think hes somehow stopped thinking about that singular moment for even a second since then???
yeah . thought so.
so what actually ends up happening in reality is theyll be on another definitely-serious-business-not-just-a-date and zhonglis going to get down to like dialogue selection part 10 of the 86 step conversation tree at Most where hes only beginning to like Vaguely allude to the key pieces of information involved but it turns out Because Hes That Guy (TM) And Has Been There Done That Before childes basic pattern recognition and sense of irony simply proceed to kick in Way ahead of time and hes Immediately perking up like Hey wouldnt it be really fucking funny if i wake up an eldritch sea beast Again . like just in case. as a last ditch effort .
and zhonglis just sitting there seeing the gears turn in his head as they enjoy their cringe fucking picnic (bc they just stare at each other intently like that nowadays its a thing. being in a room with them by this point is essentially a human rights violation) and is just completely fucking flabbergasted and lost on how in the hell childes speedran his way to that conclusion at what amounts to barely a 13% completion rate in his whole overkill fucking plan (just 1 of 3 contingencies btw) and its like yes he has his intended outcome but also precisely 0 idea on how the fuck said outcome was reached the way it was this fast . like hes still winning its His plan thats well underway and ahead of schedule but How
(pov: ur selling the concept of waking up destructive sea creatures to the guy who woke up a celestial body eating cosmic whale at 14)
anyway its truly beautiful i absolutely detest these two and have prime liyue AQ hijinks nostalgia now thank you for the lore drop that allowed this to become canon in my head hoyo
#im sorry for completely out of nowhere ship posting dude idk where this came from . i had to get it off my chest ig . runs away#chili my dearest i miss em . theyre the most normal business partners to lovers dynamic to me NO drama whatsoever they just#happen to be insane fucking people and thats why it ends up weird . but relationship wise. bland as SHIT they just get along well#drama?? betrayal?? angst?? NO. 1 spar and childe forgives instantly we all know this to be true#theyre so fucking basic as a couple bc both of them being as weird as they are just ends up canceling out#bc neither is unnerved by the insane shit the other comes with . and they just like. date normally . and make a semi-open committed ldr wor#they simply civilly agree not to bring up the uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. Religious differences .#6k yo highly suspect god known for signing NDA with celestia dating guy intent on torching the fucking place personally like .#'we make it work despite our differences 😌'#and the known self-admitted heretic if it gives him power looking to conquer the world just#'oh no need to Rush the agenda after all im still busy getting stronger 😊 in time watch tf out tho <333 youre so sexy aha'#dont listen to bland tropey fanon guysss listen to me they could be so fucking peak. they Are to me#altho childe pairings are so weird to me now being a true narwhal truther. theyre all basically a love triangle to me now LKWDJKWDKJWDKJ#like listen. they could be in love they could be the same entity they could be opposites. nemeses. platonic soulmates. romantic rivals. idc#BUT whatever the fuck they are i want them together please thank uuuuuuuu so like. added hysteria factor to any other ship w ajax .#hes still fucking cheating on his narwhalllll on all levels. romantic. platonic. cosmic. unphased by any attempts at defining their bond#with mere words. what are they??? no clue. still cheating. no i dont explain my poetry often. theyre simply everything to me xx#how do i even fucking tag this man its not rly childeposting worthy is it....#and im not abt to risk breaching containment in the chili tag.........................#guess its just#genshin#rambles#lmaooo wjkdwkjwjkdjkdw
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ok i think the best part of the drk quests overall though is the point whenever you open up your journal midway through and abruptly realize that your wol has started taking notes in a completely different voice
#the nemesis speaks#swift plays ff14#tone shift jumpscare!!#uh. drk questline spoilers in the tags#but like for the uninitiated: GENERALLY the quest log entries are fairly dry ''went here did this. current task: do this too''#the assumption being these are notes being kept either physically or just in the wol's head abt stuff they're doing#BUT THE DRK QUESTS are written down in an ENTIRELY different tone. one that gets more and more distinct as they progress#overwhelmingly fixated on your emotional responses to and opinions of the goings-on#(''where are those godsdamned peistes...?'' is NOT a line you would get in ANY other context)#and frequently the summary of a battle is ''you blacked out and then came to exhausted and covered in blood. good job.''#until the final quests where the journal has suddenly switched to using first person plural and addresses You Personally in second person#(''fray knows what is best for us. we will do as she asks.'' / ''you killed them. well done. can we go now?'')#the best one tho is when your nominal objective is ''go to whitebrim to talk about how fucking weird you've been acting lately''#but if you open the quest log what's actually been written down as your task is ''go to whitebrim and kill them all.''#it's really good is the thing
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i had so much fun last night omg
#the dragon's parade!!!#cause it's the great dragon weekend here in kraków now#so we finally went out with friends#i always miss those losers we don't really see each other often but i love them sm#then we went to drink at my bestie's place & he finally told them he's gay (i was the only one in the group who knew)#i'm proud of him tbh#also it's so funny cause our friend said she was always intrigued by our relationship#and she was like 99% sure there was something going on between me & him shdhhdhdh#and i can't blame her cause she's not the only person#my mom keeps asking me if he's REALLY gay like at least once a week#also his parents keep asking him about me & they say i'm pretty & that MAYBE THERE'S SOMETHING GOING ON HERE#like... no#hell no#he's my little brother i would fucking murder everyone who ever tries to hurt him#but no that's it hdhdhdhdh#i never talk about those kind of stuff so i'm not sure if he knows but i think he knows (i hope he knows)#it's so funny tho i just think we give the same kind of energy#so when people see us together there's this weird kind of chemistry there but like... not in a romantic way#more in a “hey this dude knows all of my secrets & i know all of his as well” kind of way#idk can't explain i'm happy tho & kinda relieved at the same time cause i don't really like secrets#anyway yesterday was fuuuuun <3#i came back home around 5am i'm exhausted#please give me all the coffee in the world#but sincerely can you hear me?*
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have been seeing this going around so i decided to make my own!!
(just a disclaimer i havent rewatched some of the seasons in a while so i did this according to what i remember)
#ninjago#ninjago dragons rising#levi's ted talks#the most recent seasons ive rewatched r hunted and sog and theyre still as good and thrilling as when i first watched#a little of s1 too#i put it down there bc the writing was kinda weird BUT it was the starting point of ninjago so im never hating on it#plus the memorable moments like goddamn#i constantly rewatch s13 i love it too much#i cant bring myself to rewatch seabound bcaause knowing whats gonna happen next is so fucking PAINFUL 😭#even tho im an angst lover the fucking seperation makes me bawl#my friend literally couldnt talk to me for a few days bc of the shock from the ending when it first came out#and to be completely honest DR is what got me fully back into the ninjago fandom#like id reblog posts n whatever but wasnt so involved#and id just rant with my friend abt it#but then when DR's release was announced i made my first post for it#(a redraw for an incorrect quote post: dig in my art tag and youll maybe find it . but beware)#and now im here with so many moots#art improvement and 3 fics and more coming aswell#how the fuck
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TWO OF THEM
#my bf got me dark era Dazai for our anniversary!!!#he has Atsushi and Akutagawa somewhere but we're still unpacking and have no idea where they are#also dark era Dazai apparently got his wish bc I fucking broke his neck#into 3 pieces#one of which is still lodged in the neck plate#thankfully it came with a backup and I can probably get the piece out tomorrow with the right tools#still better than Chuuya's tho which I literally had to carve from a stick using a pocketknife#bc he's a knockoff and the neck he came with didn't fit#also sorry the lighting's kinda weird. I had to use a candle#but I think them being lit up by fire is actually pretty fitting#bsd#bungou stray dogs#soukoku#bsd chuuya#bsd dazai#nendoroids#original post
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something a little silly
(he's not actually angry at the "drugs" thing, just busy trying not to die)
oh i almost forgot
transcript of my bad handwriting:
Page 1 Panel 1: 2013, 1:38 pm (sfx: DING DING DING)
Panel 2: 9th period, 1:40 pm
Peter's internal thought bubble: "Oh shit my meds"
Panel 3:
Student 1: Hi, Mr. Parker!
Peter: mm-hm
Panel 4:
Student 1: Mr. Parker? Hello?
(Student 2: Huh?)
Panel 5:
Peter: Hm?
Student 1: What are those, tic tacs?
Student 2: No, he's doing drugs!!! (In class!)
Text pointing to Peter's hand holding his pills says "PTSD medication"
Peter: HKFGH (choking noise)
Page 2:
Panel 1:
Student 1: Are you okay?!
(Student 2: oh fuck)
Peter: COUGH COUGH
Panel 2:
(sfx: WHEEZE)
Peter: It's not DRUGS!
Panel 3, Peter cont.: Well, I mean, it is drugs, but it's prescription—it's medication. OK?
#came in through the window last night#peter parker#nadiart#fanadiart#rough art#comics#spiderman#always feel weird tagging the au stuff just cause it's so specific but... well i won't pretend i look at the peter parker tag lol#a post arguably still about a somewhat serious topic but with a more lighthearted mood#bright blue capsules = 5mg generic prazosin just fyi#he takes it starting in early 2013 to prevent flashbacks and nightmares (technically it's a blood pressure medication tho)#he takes it in morning. afternoon (at work). and bedtime. otherwise he can barely leave the house.#i was picturing this in fall after he's a little more functional but still kinda fucked#In Retrospect I'm not sure that him getting a job in 2013 makes sense though like it's a miracle he graduated from his master's program#on the other hand he strikes me as the kind of guy who works himself harder when stressed... but a few months is a very quick turnaround#maybe i should have him doing full time classes instead of pt and finish his degree over fall 2012 or smth... idk#i'll figure all that stuff out Later#anyway my approach to peter's shirts is generally anything that looks thrifted where he saw it in all its hideousness and said#''i love it''#also don't get it twisted the only reason peter even carries a water bottle is for his pills#accidentally pavlov'd himself into being hydrated but not into buying a reusable bottle lmao
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i watched over the garden wall for the first time last week. i rewatched it all again last night. i think i have to watch it agaun tonight 😭
#the STRANGLEHOLD it has on me now... whoops!!!!#if i had watched this when it first came out when i was 14 my life would have been irrevocably changed#for the better? for the worse? who can say. it would have been an earth shattering development tho#idk sometimes when things are hyped up online i end up pushing myself away from it? like i get annoyed hearing about it alot#idk why i do that. something about my weird fucked up psychology. but like. i couldn't avoid it any longer i guess??#my sister really likes it and wanted ny mom and i to watch it. i dont think my mom liked it but i knew i had to watch it again#and then i was HOOKED. like OHHH i get why ppl are obsessed with this now!!!#auugh. auuuugh. i havent been hooked on a piece of media like this in a long time so it feels nice#ive been feeling down lately so its been good to focus on something else that brings. joy? melancholy??#ouhhhh i love it and im SOOO normal about it 😁👍#personal
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crazy how i have no one
#like yes i have my internet friends and i adore them ofc#but i have no fucking one irl#and i mean no one. my mom’s side of the family is all dead and the other side is uber christian and doesnt give a fuck about us#i only have my brother#and i need help and support so horribly bad but i wasnt there for him when he needed me#so why the hell should he be there for me. he shouldnt#im going to have to rely on myself this time and i cant do that#i dont trust or believe in myself whatsoever#i think im fucking horrible and useless and repulsive#and idk how to be nice to myself bc ive never felt that and i dont know how to self soothe#i dont have the energy physically or mentally or emotionally to learn#and idk what to lean on anymore if i want to quit abusing substances#realized recently how much i do that.#and for how long. a decade. ive been acting like a 13 yo this whole time#idk how to move past and grow up. god i absolutely need to see my therapist again. if she’ll have me#i fear ill be rejected tho ive left and came back several times and last time she said ‘ofc ill take you back youre my person’#whatever that means. ive been an anomaly to every therapist/psych ive been to apparently they all mention how weird i am and how they cant#figure me out. like damn me too doc!#i want to email her so bad but i wont be able to see her until my insurance goes thru and i dont want to get free labor out of her if i dump#all the trauma ive sustained since i last saw her on her yw#but i want to get better i dont want to live like this anymore i cant do it#any of it#my coping mechanisms are all self destructive and i want to grow past that#but i need help and i dont have it. not really#whatever i guess. first step call and see wtfs going on w my insurance#i feel like i need help even for that . i feel so utterly incapable of everything snd i always have#i can do it. i can do it
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I'm just kinda thinking over what could it been had things gone just. Just every so slightly better
Had some fundamentals been challenged further
Had the right words be spoken
Had they didn't go all in
It's just so sad, because I ultimately do see them working on the right scenarios, but they're all just...fantasy, a fleeting dream, the unreachable
Oughhhh I love them so much. They're so doomed
#perceptive little crow#this is about teopeka btw#i just listened to something good can work and it was like 'man. this would've been the ideal'#because YES i do believe the first phase of their relationship was full of hope for the future for both ends#peka just found himself on a new world that seemed detached from the previous. he could start anew#tbh tho teo simply followed out of pity and a bit of hopelessness. I wouldn't be surprised if her life was just kinda shaking a couple days-#before she met peka. and after seeing what he was capable of she kinda just....relaxed. knowing it may go well after all#it was a gamble she took. but damn did it pay off. and she gets to enjoy the benefits for a fair amount too#then The Incident happened#then a new department that was the opposite of what she advocate for formed on the company she wanted to create#then she started being pushed more and more on administrative/executive roles and was basically out of the field#then she felt disconnected of her world. her passion. her people#no place to go to no shoulder to land on. she wasn't alone she just....was a deeply lonely woman at the end#sorry. im not even sure if this actually fits the direction I'd like her to go to on my au/fanfic. but ig it fits#anyways. maybe had stuff gone differently she would've enjoyed the benefits all the way through#she maybe could've had both sides of the cake#who knows#it's just kinda interesting to think about the gambles she took went it came to hlev/peka. both on moments of desperation/loneliness#both the same weird ass guy that she saw at first and went 'what the fuck is his deal'#both just...so endearing she can't help but love them#maybe she needs them as much as they need her#maybe any and all their relationships never were meant to last#but that's kinda dooming it further and honestly I'd like to see a happy ending (where i get to be with my crush x3!!!!!!)#so I'll leave one side to rot and the other to bloom. easy.#sorry im rambling too much now. night night
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