#it came free with the undiagnosed autism and all

[wind-chime-system]

Re-explaining this because I do that every time it comes up

I'm my mom's only kid

I'm my dad's youngest kid (afaik)

My other siblings were already adults by the time I was born

Two of them had children by the time I was born

I'm younger than my niece and nephews

I grew up alone in my home

But my neighborhood had a scouts group in which I participated for TEN YEARS and was the third oldest member (in terms of how long I stayed)

And we were literally all bonded like a family (not exaggerating. Everything people tell me about siblings, every dynamic possible, I've had with at least one person in the group)

So I'm technically every sibling + an only child at the same time. Which also explains every aspect of my mental health

[immaculatemadonna23]

It's Innocence's birthday and I really didn't have the slightest idea what to draw for her. I've always considered myself more of a writer type but maybe a little fic or two here on tumblr wouldn't hurt. So to accompany this simple post I'll give you some little facts about her <3

• She is 1:45 tall, she could be said to be 4'9, she is shorter than Ivy Pepper.

•  She likes to have long conversations with the pigeons that perch on her window in her small room.

•  She has undiagnosed Asperger's, at that time there was still no name for autism spectrum disorder grade one. (That's one of the few things she got from me.)

•  It is obvious that she is Catholic, she would probably get along a bit with Nina. There was a time when she thought about becoming a novice but the world of American shows caught her attention more.

•She is asexual but she wants her own baby.

•  Her father's real name is Antonio Lunanova (I changed the origin of the surname a little) a Spanish man of Sicilian descent, albino, cigar fanatic and captain of merchant ships. He does not know that he has a daughter but he suspects that paying for Keiko's services without protection could have had its consequences.

• If she were a modern girl, she would have a fixation on the magical girl genre Mahou Shoujo and shoujo in general.

• She came to America in October 1923, met Rocky at a train station when she was 14 and he was 17, becoming traveling and wandering companions. This being an Au, things change a little but most everything stays the same.

• As we know, she has feelings for Rocky since she met him but he doesn't see her as anything more than a little sister or someone who gives him the closest thing to "motherly concern" and "having Calvin around." He doesn't really notice her until 1927 when she is about to turn 19, but he has always appreciated her.

• She has a very good relationship with Viktor, she likes to ask him for favors and she thinks she bothers him a lot but he doesn't really care, he doesn't find her scandalous.

•She has a collection of not so ugly sweaters and cardigans that Mrs. Bapka makes for her, in exchange for living with her for free she does the housework for her and prevents her from throwing food in the pipe.

• She doesn't have a good knowledge of the underworld, to her Rocky is just a musician in a cafe, Calvin is the guy who comes to fix the pipe, Ivy is that archetype of girI she would like to be and Viktor is her kind tall neighbor with a cool accent. Her first contact with the criminal world as such is having been hired by Asa to do small singing shows at the Marigold Room because of how exotic she seemed to him, they have a good relationship, but she doesn't really know much about him. Maybe i can dig deeper into that later.

• If she were a dog (Lackadogs xD) she would be a toy poodle, and if she were another non-domestic animal she would be a lamb. I like to lower her ears a lot because it reminds me of little lambs.

• Her favorite series would probably be Wallace and Gromit.

•And Her favorite tale of all the time is the Little Mermaid by Andersen.

•She adores the people with black and blonde hair.

•She would have loved Malice Mizer, Mecano, Metallica, Madonna, Mitski and My Chemical Romance (And more things but without M Caravan Palace... The musical tastes are mine too).

•I could say that the flower that most symbolizes her is the white poinsettia.

•Her voice/singing claim Is Adriana Caselotti in the Snow White movie and in spanish is Amparo Garrido and Lupita Pérez Arias for her singing claim. (from the 1964 mexican dub of Snow White of course.)

[metfell]

in a call with a bunch of friends we are diagnosing dsmp characters for funzies you may not disagree at all our takes are word of god heres what we have so far:

quackity: NPD, c-ptsd

wilbur: adhd, bipolar/bpd wombo combo

technoblade: some kind of sleep disorder, chronic migraines, auDHD, ODD

phil: system but its a religious thing

tubbo: like textbook DID, ptsd, autism

ranboo: autism, system, bpd

fundy: chronic daddy issues

niki: insomnia, undiagnosed with anything bc misogyny, dissociates

purpled: ODD, adhd, neurotypical by alien standards

sapnap: crazy bad ptsd

karl: DPDR, psychosis

badboyhalo: something. theres something.

foolish: neurotypical by god standards, ADHD by mortal standards and like a spinkling of ptsd

tommy: ptsd, adhd

charlie: slime neurotypical

sam: crazy bad moral OCD

ponk: BPD

note: like everyone has ptsd tho it came free with your fucking dsmp

[writer-ishh]

My Dungeon Meshi Modern AU Thoughts Instead of Writing My Economics Research Paper lmao

Ughhhh,,,, okay have been thinking about them all day and if one person manages to make it through the void and hear me out and talk about them with me then I’ll be happy lol.

WARNING: this is stupidly long, like I spent an absurd time writing every single little detail down. With that being said here we go:

cw//mentions and minor graphic descriptions of death, bullying, discrimination, injury, abuse, trauma, mental health issues, and abandonment

• Laios

- currently 26 and living with his sister Falin

- studying zoology part-time at the local college

- mostly does night classes since he works 1-2 jobs during the day to help pay for his and Falin’s tuition and apartment

- he and Fallin took their dog Muimui when they moved out, they also feed the local stray cats

- lived on a farm with his sister and parents when he was a kid, and is where his love of animals comes from

- however did not have the best of childhoods, as he was a frequent target for bullying due to having undiagnosed autism, and his father was very much a “nothing is wrong with you, toughen up the world isn’t going to coddle you” kind of person

- this was further cemented when he cried going hunting with his dad for the first time and refused to eat any of the deer or rabbit they had caught

- his mom had her own mental health problems that she was never diagnosed for, so often she fell into the same mindset as her husband when it came to Laios’ and Fallin’s behaviour, only she was more erratic due to her fear of one or both of her kids becoming like her

- never forgave his father after he sent Fallin off to a private middle/high school far away from their home, little did he know it was because the severe bullying Fallin was receiving was too much for her, and he wanted to send her away before she got hurt or worse

- nearly tried to run away at 16, however was caught by the police almost immediately and returned home

- completed his high school diploma and took off with Muimui without even saying goodbye to his parents, Fallin nearly joined him in the city but since she was still under guardianship of her parents, she couldn’t leave until she became an adult

- once graduated, she reunited with Laios in his apartment where they now live

- works nearly full-time at Senshi’s restaurant and works part-time as a janitor at their local zoo (he wants to be close to the animals lol)

- very busy but he makes it work, Marcille and Kabru have no idea how he does it without any meds or caffeine

- either has a worn out picture of him and Falin with their old dogs, or has a hand-made drawing of his theoretical strongest monster in his pocket that he looks at whenever he needs inspiration

- both him and Falin live wayyy out of the city center since rent is fucking abysmal downtown

- insists on taking the bus or walking everywhere since taxis and buying a bike costs too much, even if the commute is like 2 hours with 3 transfers

- despite this, he still has a drivers license

- the kind of guy you would expect to be eating leafy green tofu bowls from your local hipster vegan bistro, but is actually the kind of guy who eats the dubious $4 ground beef chubs and off-brand deli ham from walmart

- socks and slides with free college club t-shirts and cargo pants from the gap that come with like 50 pockets so he can carry all his stuff (the stuff mostly being dog treats and loose bird feed) bro has no drip aside from one outfit put together by Marcille

- uses the same highlighter blue and yellow adidas backpack he’s had since middle school, carries literally everything in there

- doesn’t listen to music, but if he does it’s rain/nature sounds with the $2 headphones you get from the dollarstore

- not much of a gym freak and usually just goes casually, prefers sports to working out (will have a protein shake but does not invest in creatine or other pre-workout supplements)

- either uses the same recyclable water bottle with the label torn off from a pack of 50 he got 3 years ago, or just uses one of his protein shake bottles I can’t decide

- hangs out with Marcille and Falin the most often (since Marcille constantly makes excuses to study with Falin at their apartment), sometimes gets smoothies or juice with Kabru if they run into each other

- hangs out with Senshi and Chilchuck less often, their time spent together is usually limited to having a beer after closing the restaurant or meeting together with everyone else to have dinner every couple months

- goal is to become a wildlife biologist when he graduates

- more to add if I think of it

• Fallin

- currently 23 and lives with Laios

- in her second year of studying veterinary medicine at their city’s main university

- grew up with Laios and her parents on their farm, also developed a deep love and appreciation for animals early on, but while Laios was more interested in the study of their behaviour, she was more interested in healing them

- also has undiagnosed autism like her brother, only when it came to her behaviours, she stood out a lot more and was subsequently bullied heavily for stimming, having major sensitivities to light and sound, self-isolating, talking to inanimate objects or “ghosts”, having a special interest in things like bugs or plants, and having a very specific schedule that adults had to help her with

- never really understood why adults or other children treated her differently, as she thought it was normal for everyone, however was still affected by having no friends aside from her brother during her younger years

- the bullying got so bad that kids began physically tormenting her, and since she never told Laios (who was in middle school and couldn’t always be with her), there was essentially no one to defend her

- very sadly culminates in an incident where she was intentionally locked in a graveyard overnight, and although she didn’t sustain any injuries she was fairly traumatized by the event, it was the final straw for her father to send her away to a private school at 12 years old to finish her education

- moved to a different city the next year where she stayed in dormitories, had her own room due to enrolling late

- also initially had a hard time making friends, and often cried since she couldn’t be with Laios, however no one bullied her for her autism and most often ignored her or gossiped

- had Marcille as a “buddy” to help her get acclimated to school life, however their relationship was quite awkward initially as Marcille thought she was unnerving and frankly a little stupid, however was completely shocked at Fallin’s nearly perfect grades

- school policy at that time stipulated that students had to return to the main hall for dinner at a certain time, however when Fallin doesn’t show up, Marcille has to look for her

- she finds Fallin at her secret hangout spot, similar to her dungeon in the anime, a corner with a group of trees and thick bushes that opened up into a grassy nook and a little pond, there they talk about what she does there and why she skips

- also similar to the anime, a fox (rather than a slime) catches them by surprise, but as Marcille tries to get it to run away by throwing rocks at it, Fallin stops her and explains it never comes closer than the tree line, she then points out that hurting while it’s already injured (has a slight limp) will cause it to die, allowing for the prey animals like squirrels and rabbits to eat away at most of the fauna surrounding the school, basically emphasizing the importance of all animals in an ecosystem and how it’s wrong to try and shift the ecosystem solely for our comfort or benefit (cheesy I know but it’s for the plot)

- she then offers Marcille the raspberries that grow on some of the bushes, and soon after Marcille asks if she would like to be friends

- they remain as friends in school only for another year, as Marcille graduates early and leaves Fallin behind much to her heartbreak, however does promise that she’ll visit and reunite with her soon

- by the time she graduates, she moves in with Laios and begins attending the same university as Marcille, there their friendship is reaffirmed, and they both start to develop feelings for one another

- full-time student but does work a few shifts at one of her university’s coffee shops whenever she can (tends to feel guilty about Laios helping her out with tuition on top of taking care of everything at home)

- in the honours program, and although she gets good grades her commitment is often questioned due to her habit of skipping

- reason for skipping is because she often does volunteer work at a nearby veterinary clinic

- unlike Laios, Fallin likes to bike to and from her classes

- it’s her main source of exercise, though she also does go to the gym if she has time, girl is absolutely built and is much stronger than she appears

- lives off of daily sweet treats and fried bologna sandwiches or tomato soup made by Laios

- frequently raids the raspberry bush growing outside hers and Laios’ apartment building, as well as the crabapple tree that technically belongs to the house next door but has its branches growing over the fence separating them

- also does not rely on excessive caffeine, but she does enjoy tea and coffee unlike Laios

- has a fjällräven backpack that Marcille gifted her for her birthday, mostly full of her textbooks but she does use it to carry rocks or sticks she finds interesting

- water bottle is a very dented bright pink hydro flask (also gifted to her by Marcille)

- has the jean shorts, tucked in t-shirt, and long cardigan look on lockdown, also wears hiking boots or converse, rarely is she seen in flipflops

- no make-up either, Marcille had to practically beg her to at least start using a clear lipgloss

- isn’t picky about music and usually just listens to whatever Marcille or Laios plays, sometimes she indulges in some lofi hiphop beats if she’s studying

- obviously best friends with Marcille but does not know she has a crush on Marcille, and thinks that her intense feelings of love and happiness are just normal girl friendship feelings (oh you poor thing)

- only vaguely knows of Senshi through the leftover food Laios sometimes brings home after his shifts, with Chilchuck she is more familiar since she sometimes visits him with Marcille on the weekends

- favourite thing is when her, Laios, Marcille, Izutsumi, Chilchuck, and Senshi all gather to get dinner together

- when it comes to her parents, she still maintains contact unlike Laios, though her messages tend to be generalized or cordial (not necessarily her intention it’s just she isn’t sure what to talk about in regards to her life beyond school)

- goal is to become a travelling wildlife vet

- more to add when I think of it

• Marcille

- is currently 26 and lives by herself (due to it being a modern au I’m imagining all races have the same lifespan of around 70-80 years)

- had probably the most normal upbringing and early adulthood out of all of the characters, both of her parents were very loving and attentive, always encouraging her and supporting her keen intellect through her hobbies

- however, they weren’t always around due to being very busy as government lawyers and often working late, she has very distinct memories of winning math and science awards as a child, looking out towards the crowd only to see her parents weren’t there

- was generally quite lonely during her childhood since she had no siblings or cousins to play with, a similar situation at school where most kids considered her stuck up or bossy when in reality she was just smart and was blunt about telling people when they were wrong about something

- is very close with Chilchuck, having known him and his family since she was little, although them all getting together was fairly rare, some of her fondest memories have been when they’d go on family trips together and she would get to play with Chilchuck’s daughters

- lost touch with him from ages 9-15 but reunited with him at 16 while he crashed at their place after his work injury and during his divorce, became very close with him during this time and developed a deep familial fondness for him despite all his teasing

- at 19 years old, she suffered a great deal of mental anguish as Chilchuck began to lose contact with her, Fallin was considering moving to a different city for university, and her father died due to a very sudden and unexpected stroke, she felt as though everyone in her life was slipping through her grasp and as a result, developed severe depression that would last until she completed her masters

- luckily, she had a good support system during that time and she was able to make it through the worst of it, however she still does struggle with motivation over simple tasks such as doing her hair or brushing her teeth

- her mood and outlook is much better though, having mostly returned to the same bubbly and dramatic personality that she once had

- is best friends with Fallin, and met her while at private school, mostly explained above, but her initial reaction of Fallin was quite negative before switching around after she realized that her way of thinking isn’t always the right one, even if the facts are right, her perspective and way of interpreting them isn’t always going to be sound

- this new perspective is what caused Marcille to become so enamoured with Fallin, eventually becoming a stupid crush that sticks with her to this day

- has her own studio apartment downtown, brand new building and everything (both parents are government lawyers so you can imagine the kind of money she has lmao)

- has a fawn floppy-eared bunny named Ambrosia

- despite her wealth, she doesn’t look down on her friends whatsoever, if anything she buys them expensive gifts as an act of kindness rather than an act of arrogance or condescension

- in the middle of attaining her phd in microbiology while doing independent research specializing in the study of telomere function

- attends the same university as Fallin

- graduated from high school at 16 and was done with her undergraduate by 19 and her masters by 21, a lot of people tend to think she’s full of herself but she often disregards them as people who don’t try hard enough

- born to carry her baby blue apple ecosystem in a cute tote bag, forced to haul her 7 biology textbooks in an ugly ass dark purple swissgear backpack she picked out when she was 12

- she has an unhealthy addiction to coffee and diet coke, literally cannot function without at least one per day

- cannot cook to save her life, lives exclusively off of pre-made grocery store meals or the sandwiches her university’s grab-n-go store sells, the kitchen aid mixer in her kitchen is practically a decoration at this point

- is actually the kind of person to be eating the leafy green tofu bowl from the local hipster vegan bistro

- has her own car and license, but lives close enough to her university to walk, Laios cannot fathom why she pays insurance every month for it but hardly uses or let anyone else use it

- I personally think she likes to rollerblade too

- jogging is her main form of exercise, but will also do yoga or calisthenics occasionally, probably the type of person to fall for a juice cleanse scam until Laios or Chilchuck scolds her for not eating enough

- I feel like she would be an intense swiftie (sorry :3) other than that, she likes the typical pop radio stuff that is played constantly

- at least she’s not a Stanley cup girl, she will use her scuffed gallon water bottle with the printed times of day until she dies

- very fashionable and loves to wear makeup, like wide leg pants or pleated skirts with penny loafers and cutesy blouses, a firm believer that any Korean makeup brand is far superior than anything Sephora could offer

- practically attached to the hip with Fallin, girl will find any excuse to study with her (the most pathetic sapphic ever someone put her out of her misery)

- otherwise, she’s buddy-buddy with Laios and Kabru but that’s about the extent of it, she’s known Chilchuck since she was little so he’s like an uncle to her

- she is quite friendly with Senshi and enjoys his cooking but hasn’t known him for a long time like the others, Izutsumi she treats like a little sister/niece and is always buying her things

- more to add when I think of it

• Chilchuck (you can tell he’s my fav because he has one of longest backstories lmao)

- currently 49 and living with Senshi and Izutsumi

- owns a two bedroom bungalow outside of downtown but still within the city, saved up for it after his divorce

- used to live in the suburbs with his ex-wife and daughters, but before that it was a shitty apartment close to where Laios lives now

- teen father, had Mayjack when he and his wife were 17 and had to graduate early so they could move out, they had Fullertom soon after and then Puckpatty by the time they were both 20, they got married at 22

- since neither could afford university at the time, Chilchuck went straight into a locksmithing trades program so he could have a decent income, his father had instilled a deep sense of responsibility and honour towards being a provider so he threw himself into his work which caused his and his wife’s initial frustration with one another

- when he was done apprenticing and when the kids were old enough to go to school, his wife went to university to begin studying teaching so she could become a professor, despite having to be home more often, Chilchuck still remained somewhat emotionally detached from his family

- by the time his daughters entered middle school, they had bought a house in the suburbs and his wife became qualified to teach

- feeling pressured by the mortgage, debt, and having to save for his daughter’s college, he began drinking more and taking a lot more hours at work, if he wasn’t working he was at the bar with his coworkers, he often didn’t come home until it was very late

- the final straw for his wife was when he showed up to work severely hungover and exhausted, then proceeded to nearly die in a home renovation project (passed out standing up and fell of a 20ft scaffolding, broke his hip and pelvis pretty badly as well as his humerus and quite a few of his ribs, also had a life-threatening brain bleed due to a skull fracture)

- at that point, all three of his daughters were already in university or trade school so his wife moved out and sold their house while Chilchuck was recovering in the hospital, she moved into a townhouse closer to the city’s main university where she still lives now with Fullertom

- having basically nothing in his savings, he crashed at Marcille’s parent’s place until he could save up a bit and get an apartment or townhouse (he and Marcille’s dad were friends in high school), essentially lived on their couch for about two years

- during this time, he became known as “Uncle Chil” by 16 year old Marcille and he developed a close uncle/niece relationship with her

- teased her as much as any uncle would, but also took her out shopping every couple of months, could never afford the stuff she wanted but he always got her lunch

- eventually, he saved up enough for the down payment of the two bedroom bungalow he lives in now and moved in, initially lost touch with Marcille but started being there for her more after her dad died, even began getting in touch with his daughters again at Marcille’s suggestion

- from then on, he took his work life more easily and tried to make time for himself in between shifts so that he didn’t feel he needs to drink himself stupid every time he came home, tried to pick up multiple hobbies and eventually settled on pottery making and brewing his own alcohol (that he sells…. mostly lol)

- meets Senshi at 42 when he is called in to install the locks and security system of the new restaurant Senshi is building, initially they had not been super friendly with each other, as Chilchuck found it infuriating how Senshi kept on wanting changes to be made to his security system, and how he was basically a walking construction accident waiting to happen

- once everything was finished however, Senshi offered Chilchuck a free dinner at his place as an apology for being stubborn, and unable to say no to free food (and alcohol) Chilchuck agrees

- they become friends after the dinner, however proceed to dance around each other for another 4 years until Marcille threatens to tell Senshi about Chilchuck’s feelings if he doesn’t confess himself

- Chilchuck does eventually confess (during a very charged “guy’s trip” to a resort in Mexico) and they start dating, after the trip, Senshi and Izutsumi move into Chilchuck’s place where they still currently live

- thanks to living with Senshi, Chilchuck adopts a more healthy lifestyle where he stops smoking, eats more, and drinks less, in return, he helps Senshi manage Izutsumi during her teen years as well as help out around his restaurant when he has time

- is generally living comfortably now, with a nice salary and more free time to commit to his hobbies, despite this he still deeply cares about his work and is a union man at heart who is always willing to rally behind his coworkers and organize when something happens

- mostly listens to 80s dad rock and some 90s grunge, is very proud of his CD collection

- dresses similar to Laios, however ditches the college club t-shirt and cargo shorts for polos shirts and chino shorts or dress shirts and casual slacks, also wears tacky boomer sandals for his feet or his construction boots

- drives a land rover defender that he bought in high school, cares for it deeply but isn’t a car guy by any means, he does the bare minimum maintenance to keep it safe and functional

- carries his minimal stuff in a sling bag and lunch cooler, but he also has a survival backpack in the back of his land rover for emergencies

- is a Stanley cup owner, has two, one from the 70s that his dad gave to him, and another white modern one from Marcille, his older one is covered in princess stickers from when his daughters were young

- pretentious black coffee drinker, makes fun of Izutsumi all the time for the amount of simple syrup and cream she puts into her iced coffee

- is okay at cooking, but is definitely more of a grill master, never ask him to deep fry anything though

- is also surprisingly handy thanks to the skills his dad passed onto him, speaking of his family, he isn’t very close to his mother and siblings since they all moved back to their home continent after Chilchuck graduated, he still sometimes travels alone on special holidays or on the anniversary of his father’s death but only if he can afford it

- is now a supervisor of his own crew, initially he wanted to own his own locksmith company, but he also wants to retire soon so he needs to save up as much as he can

- has two main friend groups, one he refers to as “the freaks” which includes Laios, Marcille, Fallin, Kabru, Izutsumi, and Senshi, and the other he refers to as “work” which includes Namari, Mickbell, Kuro, and Dandan

- is closest to Senshi and Marcille, seeing them as his family, however is a bit more distant with Izutsumi since he doesn’t want to automatically take on a “step-dad” role in her life, the reasoning mainly stems from his respect of her and her decisions on who she gets to let in her life, but is also because he wants to avoid things becoming awkward between them

- is, if not begrudgingly, friendly with Laios and Fallin, deep down he cares about them more than he lets on, is mostly cordial with Kabru

- is surprisingly close to Namari, however they keep their relationship strictly within their workplace and the bar they sometimes hit up afterwards

- is closer to his ex-wife and daughters now, having dinner once a month at his ex-wife’s house, they still haven’t really reconciled but they’ve allowed each other to move on

- more to add when I think of it

• Senshi (also super long please forgive me)

- is currently 52 and living with Chilchuck and his adopted daughter Izutsumi

- lives in Chilchuck’s house, but used to own a condo near the restaurant he used to work for

- when he was a child, he lived on an entirely separate continent in the remote far north, the village he grew up in was known for its mining industry, most of the community including his parents were miners, however an accident killed his father and cancer killed his mother when he was a baby, so his father’s friend Gillin took Senshi in when he was 2

- due to the mining culture surrounding the village, it was expected that Senshi also become a miner when he grew up, this coupled with the hyper-masculine ideas of honouring his late father and carrying on the bloodline, made Senshi not really put in much effort into school since he believed it had no use for him, a decision that would later hinder his career and degree options greatly

- once graduated from high school, Gillin immediately had Senshi take his safety courses and get his certification so he could get a job as soon as possible, with some references from Gillin himself, Senshi was able to land a beginner’s position within the company Gillin was in

- worked 7 years mining coal until the mine ran dry and he had to look for work elsewhere, jumped positions between 3-4 companies over another 8 years mining iron and copper until he landed a 2 year contract at a remote but booming silver mine

- was put into a 6 man team composed of himself, Gillin, Brigan, Invar, Totan, and Noor, where they would descend into a highly unregulated and dangerous mountain mine and extract the massive veins of silver, they all were paid well, but the conditions were next to abysmal

- 1 year and 9 months into the contract, a rockslide on the south side of the mountain caused a cheap tunnel support to collapse over the only exit leading out of the stope they were mining in, effectively trapping them indefinitely

- luckily they had a ventilation shaft, but none of them could fit inside and escape or yell for attention since they were trapped over 200ft deep and 500ft in the mountain, so their only option was to ration their food and wait for help to arrive

- they do try to escape in other ways, such as mining through the collapsed support, however this only leads to injury among the group, and as much as Senshi wanted to help, he was under strict instruction by Gillin not to over-exert himself, even though he wasn’t a kid anymore, he still had the most strength and wits among them all, this also results in him receiving the most food much to Brigan’s rage

- in an attempt to be useful, Senshi started drawing up the maps of the mine to see if there was a tunnel close by they could mine into

- as more time passes and they realized no one would be coming to help them, their escape attempts become much more desperate, one attempt to blow up the collapsed tunnel entrance with their remaining explosives leads to the death of Totan, another attempt to start mining over the collapsed tunnel entrance leads to the death of Noor, one last attempt to remove the panelling lining the ventilation shaft so they could be able to fit through leads to the death of Invar, leaving only Brigan, Gillin, and Senshi left

- after six weeks of being trapped under ground, Brigan mentally snaps and tries to cannibalize Senshi so they could eat his flesh, this leads to a physical altercation between Gillin and Brigan which ends in an unstable overhang of rock to collapse and crush Brigan and for Gillin to succumb to his wounds and exhaustion

- alone and starving, Senshi realizes he is now skinny enough to fit through the ventilation shafts and crawl his way out, he uses a combination of ropes and support spikes to help aid him, but soon quickly realizes he mostly has to navigate in the dark

- for two more weeks, Senshi follows the map he memorized and the feeling of airflow to make his way out, only surviving off of his remaining water, in the end he managed to crawl out of a shaft just outside the mining camp

- relived and also deeply saddened, Senshi remains near the shaft until some workers doing a perimeter check find him in the morning, he is promptly taken into the hospital to treat his injuries

- after explaining the situation to the police and his boss, his boss offers him a $30,000 payout to keep quiet and say nothing, the officers say it is possible to take his boss and the company to court, however it would likely put him into massive debt trying to find a good lawyer, in the end Senshi takes the money and leaves the camp for his village

- what’s left to him by Gillin is another $50,000 in savings and property assets, the rest is given to his remaining family, the first thing Senshi buys with the money is his adamantine pot and mythril knife, using both to make a soup Gillin would often feed him, and leaving five bowls of it outside of the collapsed silver mine before moving out of his village for good at aged 35

- he moves to the continent and city where all the other characters are currently living, buying his condo and deciding to enter into 4 year culinary school program

- during these 4 years, Senshi comes to realize that cooking is his true passion, finding it immensely rewarding and fulfilling, and even though he didn’t make many friends due to his unorthodox taste and recipes, it was still the most happy he’s ever been

- about 1 year after graduating and getting a job as the main line cook for a high end restaurant, Senshi meets and adopts 5 year old Izutsumi

- he initially sees her wandering around the green belt outside and behind the restaurant, kicking rocks and occasionally running and hiding in trees, he was always worried she was homeless, however would always see she was gone by the time he was done his shifts

- around five months of this, Izutsumi notices and begins to approach Senshi, as if she had wanted food, Senshi would usually offer some of his packed lunches or leftovers and she would always accept and sit next to him while they ate

- Izutsumi usually never spoke but was always ravenous, Senshi often worried that she was being abused, but whenever he would ask she would always say no, and since she was a healthy weight and never had any bruises or welts, Senshi reluctantly believed her, after that though he began packing more food

- eventually, a woman (Maizuru) approaches Senshi after one of his shifts and bluntly asked if he would like to take care of Izutsumi from then on, baffled he asked who she was and why she knew he was feeding Izutsumi, and she explained that she is her caretaker

- she also explained that since Izutsumi seemed to trust and respect Senshi the most, that he would be the best person to give her a chance at a normal life and raise her into an adjusted adult, due to the fact that she has no regard or interest or respect in her or the rest of her foster family, she then conceded that her question was rather sudden, but still implored Senshi to take her into his care or otherwise she would be forced into an orphanage

- thinking of Gillin, and with the wound of his crew’s death still in his mind Senshi, perhaps impulsively, agrees to take Izutsumi in, much to Maizuru’s delight and thankfulness

- the next day, she returns with Izutsumi and her things and tells Senshi that she will handle most of the legal paperwork aside from the few forms that he will have to sign

- from that point onward, he took care of Izutsumi and made sure she got through school, although she wasn’t completely responsive and obedient, he was still very patient and understanding with her, except for the first few times she would keep on running away from school to join him for his lunch breaks

- they have a very trusting relationship with one another, and Senshi is the only one Izutsumi will open up to, Senshi often encouraged her talent of athleticism by signing her up for various sports, he was and still is very attentive towards her needs and is always feeding her the things she likes (and dislikes)

- Senshi works at the restaurant for another 9 years, simultaneously saving up for his own restaurant and saving for Izutsumi’s college, at age 45 he meets Chilchuck during the construction of his restaurant and they form a close friendship

- subsequently, he is introduced to Marcille, Fallin, Laios, and even Kabru, but still mostly interacts with Chilchuck and Itsuzumi

- however he is quite close with Laios since he works as a server at his restaurant and is very enthusiastic about his cooking technique, flavour pallet, and types of dishes he serves

- at age 49, he officially opens his restaurant and starts dating Chilchuck, the three of them all move in together and become a household unit

- is now very happy with where he is at in life, works and manages his restaurant while still making time for Izutsumi and her hobbies, is very close with Chilchuck and becomes the first person he opens up to about his past and what he went through, generally the grossest and most sappiest old couple you will ever meet

- made a Senshi-sized hole deep into the fabric of Chilchuck’s home, converting his backyard into a full vegetable and flower garden that he maintains, is super proud about it and often leaves the prettiest flowers on Chilchuck’s side of the bed or in a vase on Izutsumi’s bedside table

- head-chef and owner of his restaurant, his favourite part is being able to cook what he wants for a very specific audience (people like Laios)

- his food is not super high-end but also not like a family diner either, a healthy mix of both, like kid friendly while still being classy and opulent enough to take someone out on a date there

- drives his beloved suzuki carry to and from work every day, does a good job maintaining it on his own despite it being boring according to him

- I honestly don’t really know what Senshi would listen to, I feel like the most in character for him would be folk music from his home country or bossa nova i can’t really decide

- coffee with lots of sugar but no cream or milk, prefers drinking black tea with milk and honey if he has a choice

- bag is a basic backpack with minimal items like wallet, keys, lipbalm, mints, etc… always has a change of clothes in case his gets dirty at work, also has extra hair and beard nets, some stuff for Izutsumi is in there too

- water bottle is also a vintage stanley cup, but his is wayyy more dented than Chilchuck’s and older (from like the 50s) refuses to buy anything else until it is unusable, has had the same piece of duct tape sealing a leak near the bottom for the past 20 years

- also can’t decide if he’s a t-shirt or Hawaiian shirt kind of guy, probably a healthy mix of both, also mostly wears shorts or a kilt-like garment native to his home country, lives exclusively in sandals you will never find him in close-toed shoes unless he’s working

- funny story deriving from this fact, the first impression Chilchuck ever had of Senshi (aside from “damn he’s kinda hot”) was “oh my god how the fuck is this guy not dead” due to the fact that Senshi showed up to the construction sight with flip flops, no safety helmet, and no safety vest on whatsoever

- more to add when I think of it

• Izutsumi (still a cat-girl in this universe)

- currently 17 and living with Senshi and Chilchuck

- used to live with the Nakamoto’s as a foster child, however hated living there due to the unfamiliarity and attempts at sweeping her past trauma under the rug and refusing to treat her for it

- life before the Nakamoto’s is fuzzy, it’s implied by her councillor and confirmed by Maizuru later on that she was raised by her mother until she died or abandoned her at 3 years old, was then placed into the care of another foster home who physically and verbally abused her, keeping her chained up in the basement most of the day and hardly feeding her, if not forgetting about her all together

- she was taken in by the Nakamoto’s at aged 4, and had a very hard time managing her due to her stunted social skills, anger issues, and delayed language development manifesting itself in avoidance behaviours such as running away and lashing out violently

- had frequent nightmares during this time, resulting in her becoming very clingy during the night

- would often run away to the green belt close to her house, the same green belt that was connected to Senshi’s restaurant

- initially only approached him because of the smell of food, her prior abuse and malnutrition resulted in an early form of binge eating, so she often sought any sight, smell, or taste food as a way of safety and comfort

- unlike all her previous caretakers, she found Senshi to not be malicious or uncaring towards her, especially after he started sharing and bringing food for her, her ease around him didn’t go unnoticed by Maizuru who then offered Senshi the deal to take care of her

- initially hated living in Senshi’s condo since the small space reminded her of the basement she was kept in, but soon found it to be much more comfortable if she could smell the food Senshi would make

- Received counselling for her trauma and slowly began to get better, however she would still frequently act out or skip school as a coping mechanism, however, Senshi helped her regulate her energy and emotions through signing her up for various sports, she did volleyball, hockey, wrestling, swimming, etc… until she settled on gymnastics and Muay Thai

- has somewhat of a complex towards love and attachment, in that she doesn’t fully believe an individual cares for her or loves her so will often do whatever she likes both because she doesn’t think it affects the other person that much and because it will prevent people from wanting to get close to her and have a meaningful relationship, a complex that stems from her past abuse

- is now in a much better headspace than she was in, as she has two caretakers who are patient and understanding with her, but are also willing to discipline her and prepare her for the outside world, she also has a good external support system and even a friend at school whom she often hangs out with

- she is currently in her junior year of high school, with decent grades, but only because Senshi and Chilchuck want her to do well so she has more options for university

- her best subjects are science, phsy ed., english, has a hard time with social studies and math

- her one friend her age is Tade as they both are frequently sent to the after-school homework program to help improve their grades, Izutsumi is usually good at shouldering off her homework to her in exchange for ice cream or food, but she’s usually caught and forced to do double the work

- Tade is also a foster kid of the Nakamoto’s, in fact she was the one Izutsumi would usually go to sleep with if she had a nightmare, so they never hang out at her house and either stay at Izutsumi’s house or hang out at the local park/mall

- is very talented athletically, and has won multiple awards at gymnastics and Muay Thai competitions

- still a ravenous eater, but with a crazy fast metabolism so she gains almost no weight, still picky with vegetables and mushrooms but will still eat them as long as their hidden in her food well enough

- coffee flavoured milk drinker, if there’s even a hint of bitterness in her coffee she’s throwing it out

- is into most old alternative or indie rock, appreciates Chilchuck’s taste in music immensely, she’s been learning how to play the bass recently

- has been learning basic recipes from Senshi and can manage a few dishes on her own, is much better at baking overall, never leave her alone with the blowtorch or barbecue though

- aside from sports, she enjoys playing video games and sleeping, she likes mostly storytelling or competitive console games like Skyrim, God of War, and Call of Duty

- bag is a simple black backpack that has all of her papers and textbooks haphazardly shoved in with no regard for neatness or organization, on a good day a pencil will be in there too

- water bottle is non-existent, she uses drinks from the school water fountain as an excuse to get out of class and wander around for a bit

- is old enough to drive and has her license, but doesn’t have her own car yet and still has to catch the bus, if she does drive it’s Senshi’s suzuki, Chilchuck let her drive his land rover once and she backed into a pole

- lives in crop tops and shorts, is actually quite fashionable but doesn’t have the energy or motivation to pull anything off, either wears converse, slides, crocs, or doc martens as footwear, most would describe her style as grunge-ish

- makeup is hit or miss, sometimes she can muster some concealer and eyeliner, but for the most part she just washes her face and nothing else, she is big into jewelry though and likes to wear lots of accessories

- has been allowed to pierce her ears quite extensively, as well as her nose, however both Senshi and Chilchuck have drawn the line at any other face piercings until she’s an adult, much to her dismay

- outside of Senshi, Chilchuck, and Tade, she is probably the most friendly with Marcille and Fallin as they frequently visit and interact with her, Marcille especially loves to spoil Izutsumi with treats and gifts since she never had a little cousin growing up

- Izutsumi likes Fallin for her quietness and ability to keep out of her business, however saw first hand how weird she can be when she held up a massive rhinoceros beetle without even flinching, also when she kept on excusing herself to their backyard to go snack on their strawberry plants

- Laios and Kabru she knows of, also finds Laios to be very weird but is less friendly about it than she is with Fallin, his lack of understanding of social cues also confuses her

- more to add when I think of it

AND THATS IT!!! This was stupidly long, I hope I didn’t bore you to death lol. I’ll probably do another one of these so I can include Chilchuck’s daughters, Kabru, Namari, etc… maybe with some additions to the main cast, but yeah that’s about the extend of it, hope you enjoyed :3

[pleasantspark]

Sir Pentious' Redid Backstory

More consistency yay!

Been thinking about The Green Mile and wondered about a TRUE good reason WHY Heaven won't let Sir Pentious in despite the fact he was an innocent Man, I mean. They were like:

"You confessed to the crime, so to HELL you go!"

So, anyways here he is!

Flags:

TransMasc (FtM) + Transgender

England

AuDHD

BiCurious + Pomosexual + Cupiosexual

Notes:

Sir Pentious having AuDHD, Anxiety and Bipolar-Schizoeffective is due on part because I am diagnosed with those issues at hand, the only diagnosed illness of mine I didn't pass onto him was DID and I don't feel exactly comfortable depicting a illness like that in a show about Hell.

Pentleton was wealthy growing up, but even if your wealthy it doesn't mean shit, Pentleton's undiagnosed mental health (Because in 1800s it was seen as weak) so most of the time, he focused on himself.

Pentleton had a fair amount of Suitors, but marriage was never for him, (again, social issues).

All shit was researched properly and my basic understanding.

The Killer was not Jack the Ripper, I separate reality from HH, if there isn't any politics. And most of the killers in Hazbin are fictional. Then there shouldn't be a correlation to Real Life and Hazbin/Helluva. I came to escape the real world. Not be reminded of how shitty it is.

ID:

Pentleton, Edward “Ed/Eddie” (born as Pentleton, Elizabeth “Eli”) | Sir Pentious / Saint Repentious Eddie was born on March 4th 1807, London, England. To a high class family, growing up Pentleton always had a love for designing things such as varous inventions. Growing up Ed had always felt uncomfortable with his identity as he always felt comfortable as a male rather than a female, but never spoke out due to not knowing what his feelings were, he identified as Pentleton and not by his new perferred name in order to not attract any attention to himself. Pentleton suffered from an undiagnosed disability (It was later revealed it was a variant of Anxeity, Autism, ADHD and Biploar Scizoeffective.) spending most of his time in the safety of his family home he inherited he was a recluse preferring to actually make things that better suited his desires then basic human interaction. Pentleton was always unlucky. Despite being well off growing up, bad luck seemed to follow him everywhere, and as he grew into adulthood and the desire for basic human interaction dwindled. Pentleton always found comfort in doing hos own thing, and going to the library. One particular afternoon, (Circa. 1828, April 12th) Pentleton was apprehended on suspicion of murdering two young women in downtown London, despite the fact he was obviously not the killer and he was simply at the wrong place, at the wrong time. The police arrested him anyways, and with severe questioning, Pentleton folded, confessing to a crime he never committed out of duress. Because he “confessed” the police took that as guilt and sentenced him to public excution by hanging. While he was being held, Pentleton’s home was immediately searched and they found a prototype of a children’s toy called “Egg Boiz” the basis was they were essetionally a toy manufactured for the poor children of London to play with, for free. Most of Eddie’s blueprints were seized and are now being displayed in the “British Museum” to this day. Before Pentleton’s excution, there was rumors surfing around of his innocence as more murders were found when Pentleton was being held in the Stocks before he was sent to the hanging tree. No one really thought the killer was innocent mainly because of his “confession”. On exactly April, 22, 1828. 20 days after Pentleton’s conviction, Pentleton was executed in front of a bunch of high classes. His last words were allegedly: “I have a lot to say, but one of them is that humanity is willing to vindicate someone they viewed as dangerous, when the dangerous person is them all along. Part of being human is realizing everyone makes mistakes, well. You all made a huge one, by killing one snake, you freed another. And that’s a price that those poor girls will never understand. But hey, life goes on, I hope and pray that in the final events of my death that none of you make the same mistakes killing an innocent man.” After the hanging, Pentleton’s body was immediately burnt and the house he lived in is now a museum tour of some sorts, long after Pentleton’s death the killer struck again killing men and women over the course of the years. And ended up being found in the end. When Pentleton arrived to Heaven, Saint Peter didn’t gain him entry on the grounds of “Admitting to a murder” Pentleton’s unfair judgement made him damned for eternity not truly belonging in Hell.

END ID

[r1ch1e-l1psh1tz]

“Yeah, I don’t want to though :/“

HIIIII! My name’s Michael and this is an introduction! (RE DO AHAH!!)

MY ASK BOX IS OPEN!! Feel free to ask for hcs or just talk to me!! :D

I mainly do hcs if you ask for them, other than that I fear i've been unable to really come up with some, sorry-

I’m trans masc (he/him/his), possibly gay/questioning, and asexual.

I have undiagnosed ADHD and autism.

LOOK WOAH COOL THING CLICK NEOOWWW (its my straw page tee tee)

My main hyperfixations are:

Bolded = special interest

♪★ Sharks/the ocean

This silly thing

♪★ Tornadoes

♪★ Final Destination

♪★ Starkid Productions

♪★ Horror movies

♪★ Dog Man (because I’m inevitably getting back into it)

♪★ Moral Orel

♪★ Flamingo/Albertsstuff

♪★ Roblox myths (specifically Grocery Gang and The Smiles Family, I'm trying to get into more :D)

But the main one I’ll mostly focus on while posting on this blog is StarKid (with occasional reblogs from other fandoms).

edit:...so this was a fucking lie. I got into other fandoms, mb. There'll be posts about a lot of fandoms.

Some tags I’ll use are:

michael rantz!?!: ranting/venting

rando shit: just random thoughts/ideas i have, out of pocket stuff basically

Then there’ll be fandom tags if a post is about a specific fandom

Random things to know:

Sometimes I can be very dumb so don’t mind me. My spelling might suck sometimes too due to me typing very quickly and not spotting errors.

I’m a huge theater nerd and I’ve been in two productions, Annie and Newsies. I’ll do more, I promise.

Out of all of the Hatchetfield shows, I love TGWDLM the most. (Paul made me question if I had autism)

I haven’t been in the Starkid fandom for very long (got into it a month after NPMD came out I believe) so I’m not the most knowledgeable about certain shows, but I’m working on finishing all of them! :)

I will rant, I will randomly post head cannons/thoughts about Hatchetfield/StarKid.

I make a lot of Hatchetfield edits on TikTok :3

Not the best at reading, so I might misread stuff, please bear with me-

That’s all! I hope you have a wonderful day!

-Michael <3

Dividers!

“This motherfuckers about to get crushed-“

[crystalverse-project]

another character from the crystalverse who might as well be an oc XD

this is based on an actual character in a few of the mod showcase videos (specifically christmas countdown) who was also in the graphic novel (but he's completely different between the two idk why) naturally because the crystalverse was written with that as a base he gets included too!

in the original his name is fin the elf and he works for denton in both appearances, in the first he gets blown up but in the second he parts with dan and trayaurus on relatively ok terms cause he turns against denton right at the end.

and that switch at the end got me thinking...well what if he was never evil in the first place?

CRYSTALVERSE:

fin (now spelt as finn!!) was never evil. he was never even really bad. he just had one really bad day, but that's all it takes to end up working for an evil mastermind against your will.

after being tormented at school by both the other students and the teachers, and neglected by the people supposed to look after him in the orphanage, finn thought he'd found an escape, but it was truly out of the frying pan and into the fire for him.

denton made him his "second in command" but still treated him awfully, and even worse he was surrounded by corrupted clones of himself who treated him just the same as everyone always did. if it wasn't bad enough, the day he saw dan and trayaurus for the first time he didn't even get the chance to beg for help and instantly branded their enemy too.

but eventually, with their help, he does escape, and after they realise finn wasn't evil dan and trayaurus become his friends and he starts living in a house he built himself on the edge of the desert, with a companion he tamed, dusty the cat.

he's still not used to having a free life to do what he wants and friends he can trust and count on, but he's trying. his first priority is to be happy, and his second is to find out if everything he was told about his background, like what happened to his parents, is true, or if it's just one of the countless lies he's been fed.

finn (last name lieffe) is 19 as of the second part, 18 in the first. he has undiagnosed autism and ptsd. he originally came from an elf village but was transferred to an orphanage in a polar part of the world after his parents died suddenly...apparently.

the horns on his head have no ill or positive affect on his body, and while he no longer minds having them they were part of why he was bullied so much, and also why he was in the orphanage in the first place

[etherealspacejelly]

hi dad, i'm having some internal conflict. i've always been a really anxious person (which is probably due to undiagnosed anxiety disorders) and i've never really "fit in." i've been treated as weird all my life. i've never understood tone and i get in a lot of trouble with my parents for this (even though i've explained i can't control it), i go nonverbal for brief periods of time occassionally, loud noises and bright lights cause me pain like extreme headaches, i always feel the need to follow self-created routines in order to feel safe, i don't understand social boundaries all too well, i intensely hyperfixate, i'm extremely hyperempathetic, etc. i've never understood why i'm the way i am. then i started learning more about autism and i think i may have it. many of my autistic friends seem to think so.

but my parents don't believe me and don't like me researching mental health stuff. they don't think i'm "autistic enough" because my mom used to work with autistic kids who were almost always nonverbal and on a more extreme end of the spectrum. i mask all the time too, as a defense mechanism since i get in so much trouble for misunderstanding. hell, my parents won't even get me an official anxiety diagnosis (even though i've had symptoms since the moment the signs can appear) because they think "labels don't matter."

and the big problem that comes along with this is, i don't want to self diagnose and seem disrespectful to diagnosed autistic people. i've done a lot of research and gotten a lot of opinions from neurodivergent people in my life, but i still feel fake because i have no access to a diagnosis. so many people have told me to try to get one and my parents completely refuse.

is it okay to self diagnose? will diagnosed people find this disrespectful? i'm not exactly sure how to go about this. it'll most likely be several years at best before i can get medically diagnosed.

tldr; i may be autistic but i have no access to a diagnosis and feel guilty about self diagnosing. any advice?

thank you and sorry if this was too vent-ish, i just wanted to see if you had any thoughts <3 feel free to ignore this ask if it's too overwhelming /gen

baby. honey. sweetpea. let me tell you something

autistic people actually dont care if you self diagnose. in fact, many of us are self diagnosed. diagnoses can be inaccessible for many reasons, and its perfectly understandable if you cant or dont want to get one

i can absolutely relate to you. my mum works with disabled kids too, and insisted that i couldn't be autistic because she "would have known". she considers herself an expert, but somehow missed all the signs in me. i guess because i am also quite high masking.

you definitely sound autistic to me, and if other neurodivergent people who know you agree then you probably are. autistic people can sense each other lol

i remember once when i friend of mine came to me and was like "hey btw im autistic" and i was like "yeah i know. you told me" and they were like. "um. no i couldnt have told you i only got diagnosed a few days ago and this is the first time we've spoken since then" and i was like. oh. i just Sensed it, you know? i just fuckin knew

so yes. you can self diagnose. thats perfectly fine. and if anyone tells you that you cant or that you're somehow "harming the autistic community" you can tell them to fuck off. self diagnosis does not harm the autistic community in any way, but it can really benefit people like you.

i hope someday you can get the accommodations you need and deserve. in the meantime, please give yourself grace. you're trying your best. and im proud of you, ok?

[poisonandpages]

Gender and style ramblings ahoy!

Growing up I was never really "girly", and by that I mean I love pretty things, elegant things, stereo-typically "feminine" things, but more...more as a bystander than a participant, if that makes any sense? So in my teens while I was figuring out what I liked, I preferred sort of masculine-androgynous styles... and I was made to feel like absolute crap about it. Constantly facing sneers and frowns even from people I loved and trusted, and the pressure to change got 10x worse when I started working and suddenly found myself meeting hundreds of strangers daily.

It was weird because I grew up in a fairly progressive place with relatively progressive people and saw loads of women one might describe as "butch", so I never really understood why they could get to be themselves but I was heavily discouraged from the same. So I guess I rationalised it in my head by thinking that butch was a style for women who were either very handsome or very confident and capable, and neither of those described me. I wasn't "good enough" to be masc so I'd instead have to put in a lot of work to be more feminine (something I'd never say about another person, but I've always been much more cruel to myself than I am to others).

I think in part this was to do with my undiagnosed autism as well - maybe people thought that if I looked more like their idea of a woman I'd stick out less as a weirdo.

So for the past decade or so I've tried to fit myself into a shape that prioritised what other people would like to see instead of who I'd like to be. And I thought "ok, if I can be feminine but kind of edgy, everybody wins! Funky haircuts and punk or retro clothing but with a shedload of makeup and holding myself in a way that makes me look smaller, that'll do, right?" I trimmed myself down and covered myself up until I could be palatable to those around me.

But over this past year or so I've learned a lot of things about myself, and I've been deconstructing a lot of things about the way I view myself that I had already dealt with years ago about how I view others, and I came to the conclusion that all that wasn't making me happy. There were elements that I liked, I still love my dangly kooky earrings and sometimes playing around with makeup can be fun, but altogether the femme identity started to feel like a jacket that fit me really badly to begin with and was getting worse with each passing year, to the point it was squishing in my ribcage and giving me breathing problems.

In recent months I've been experimenting with more masculine/neutral clothing, wearing makeup way less, and had a barber cut my hair shorter than it's ever been before (which was a whole revelation because previously I've paid upward of £35 to have hairdressers ignore my instructions, and this lad did a perfect job for £12 in my living room). I was so scared that I'd look ugly or stupid but instead, I'm happier than I've ever been. I'm still 90-something percent sure that I'm cis, but as an autistic lesbian I feel like I have a more unique relationship with gender as a concept and it feels so freeing to now be able to express it. I'm getting much more comfortable with my natural face (not completely as you can see, I am still a recovering victim of 90s eyebrow trends, but we'll get there.) I accentuate my naturally broad shoulders and square jaw instead of trying to hide them. I wear shirts bought from the men's section of thrift shops. And when I look in the mirror I see me, and not the masquerade version of myself that others might want me to be.

I'm really happy, but I wish I had figured out all this sooner.

[manchineel-bean]

may I request NY angst :)

👁️👁️

*🩴*

cackles Your wish is my command New York when he was New Amsterdam was definitely left alone a lot as a child. Had to fend for himself a lot, which is why when the British took over he really did not want to fight for the dutch because of this. However being handed over to Britain really did a number on him because a) he honestly thought that the Dutch Empire would at least fight for him to show that he at least cared. (he did not) b) his mother (Lenni Lenape) and sister (New Netherlands) was killed by Britain c) His half brother (New Sweden: now Delaware), and brothers (New Jersey) were separated from him. -All of this lead to a fear of abandonment and not being good enough to the point one can easily discard him (ex: The dutch gave up Ny for an island of nutmeg) -Then the Dutch yoinked him back, renamed him New Orange for a bit, and then was yoinked back by the British. (making  New York think the British were better than the Dutch because at least they quickly got him back and cared. Oh boy he could not be more wrong) Anyways! Under the control of Britain, he was treated as the prize colony and was forced into perfection. His undiagnosed autism made everything worse as well. Even then he was really manipulated into thinking the harder he worked the safer he would be. This mindset caused him to become distant with the others. Britain often treated him a bit better than the others just to make sure that NY wouldn't try anything. Then his wings came in and tail. (there was an unofficial official flag for a regiment in ny with a bald eagle on it. There was also a flag flown by ships with a beaver). This made Britain even more obsessed with NY causing NY to go to dangerous extremes just to try to fit this impossible mold Britain set up. Now moving on to the revolutionary war. York was very much against the thought of going against Britain because of how “well” he was treated. Mmm yes manipulation. But this view of Britain being amazing was shattered during the Quartering act of 1765 cause New York did not agree to this which led to the New York Restraining act. This started to chip away at the thought Britain was a saint and made New York question why he was trying so hard to prove himself. Even then it took a large amount of convincing by the others to get New York to revolt. When they did though, shit went down. The Battle of Long Island saw the complete and utter failure of the continental army, causing New York City to fall under British occupation. New York was captured during this and uh.. Britain did not take kindly to his prized colony revolting. Martial Law was set in the city after a fire burned much of it, causing New York to feel nothing but a burning sensation of the fire. Martial Law also allowed Britain to control and manipulate New York more, causing his memories to become fuzzy and to always agree with Britain. York was manipulated into thinking that the punishment he was receiving was justified, that he needed to atone for his mistakes, that Britain would “fix him”. All of this caused him to have eating disorders, insomnia, and survivor's guilt. At the end of the war York was just a husk of what he was. Still under Martial Law, he could hardly feel anything.

Then the end of the war came. Britain knew he had to give up New York and he was enraged by this. So of course New York was hurt immensely before his release. York had wings.. He had wings. Before Britain released him, Britain chopped them off in a hissy fit. York almost died then. So when he was returned he hardly felt any joy in being release because the other were free... he was not, he would be stuck on the ground his entire life. Have memory issues for a long time, ptsd, and survivors guilt. Have trouble eating and sleeping from the trauma, and hardly trust anyone because the others said he'd be safe during the war. He was not. He was scarred.

I think ill end here. :]

[yardsards]

What made you realize you’re aro? An idea has been planted in my head of me being aro

i feel like for me, my thing was less about *realizing* i was aro and more about *accepting* that i was aro. (also talk abt my asexuality in here bc those two parts of my identity feel very intertwined. and some gender stuff as well)

as a little kid, i didn't have any crushes. i assumed all my classmates that said they had crushes were just lying or doing some kind of social performance that i (as an undiagnosed autistic who frequently felt left out by my peers' social rules) figured i just didn't get. i figured real crushes wouldn't happen til we were teenagers or something.

when i was like 13, i was clicking around on wikipedia, and found an article about asexuality. immediately i identified myself in it (and realized that oh, it wasn't the default). my confusion about why the girls my age always talked about finding guys hot finally made sense to me. it just clicked into place.

i read up more about asexuality. i looked at the asexual tag on tumblr. i learned about aromanticism and the split attraction model.

but i wasn't ready to accept being aromantic yet. i labelled myself a heteroromantic asexual for several months, maybe even a year. the idea of never having sex wasn't scary to me. but the idea of never falling in love was *terrifying*. so i told myself i just hadn't met the right boy yet and would grow into it. (you'd think a 13 year old would figure out their romantic orientation before their sexual orientation, cuz it's normal for sexual attraction to not be fully developed yet. but i was not coming from the most logical place here)

over time, seeing aromantics online, and unlearning heteronormativity and amatonormativity, the idea of being aromantic started to feel less scary. so i *began* to accept the fact that i could be aro and that would be okay, and started calling myself aromantic.

but a part of me still didn't *want* to be aromantic.

i tried looking for alternative explanations. i questioned if i was a lesbian: i now knew i didn't want to be any boy's girlfriend, but being a girl's girlfriend was never shoved down my throat (and didn't have heteronormative gender roles baked into it) the way dating boys was and so didn't make me so viscerally uncomfortable. and something about butch lesbians really resonated with me (hello repressed gender crisis). i found girls pretty to look at, and fun to draw.

and i had this female friend that i tended to cling to (i have always had a habit of clinging stronglyvto one best friend at a time in my younger years, as a weird autism-anxiety thing). i liked being by her side, and i wanted to hold her hand. i wanted us to be in each other's lives forever. i found myself jealous when she paid more attention to her various boyfriends and girlfriends than me. (later on i realized that she actually wasn't a very good friend and treated all of her friends like free therapy or pit stops between romantic partners. very high school.)

then i realized i was trans, and came out to some close friends.

and then two separate male-aligned friends both admitted romantic feelings towards me in a very close timespan. it made me feel warm when they told me they wanted to be with me. but i told them i didn't think i reciprocated the feelings. both of them told me they'd be okay with something queerplatonic instead of romantic. but i told them i wasn't sure about that either bc commitment like that was scary to me. and i wasn't sure that if i did want a qpr if i would want it with either of them specifically.

i started to think, maybe i was biromantic. the idea of being a boy's boyfriend didn't make my skin crawl the same way the idea of being a boy's girlfriend did. i wondered if maybe the reason i didn't say yes to being in a romantic relationship was just the same reasons i also didn't say yes to being in a queerplatonic relationship (commitment issues/not being sure if either of those particular people were right for me)

but i slowly realized that all of my feelings that i was hoping to fit into a romantic box just. weren't romantic and couldn't be forced to be romantic. it was all either just strong platonic love (i remember noting that it was roughly the same type of love i'd felt towards favorite cousins, who the idea of being romantic with obviously disgusted me). or in other cases were just me being lonely and wanting to be loved and paid attention to, and wanting any love i could get even if it were romantic. and being so afraid of being abandoned in favour of everyone getting romantic partners (because our amatonormative society says that friends should always come second to romantic partners, plus that first girl friend regularly ditching me for her partners increasing that fear) so i was hoping to be in a romantic relationship with the people i loved platonically so that i wouldn't have to worry about them leaving me behind.

idk if i explained it well, and idk if any of this is helpful to you. but yeah.

[slowdripsunrise]

book review for into the drowning deep by mira grant!!! spoilers under the cut! just found out the author has a tumblr well if u find this pretty please dont look theres nothing bad in here its just not for you! reviews are for readers and you can get constructive criticism from a paid editor and not random readers doing this for free :)

ok i. literally just finished this and am writing it as i am staring at the finished checkmark on my computer lol wanted to get this out so i didnt forget. anyways ok so i super liked this book. love feels like a strong word bc i think im on too much adhd meds to really feel it like that but yeah i really really liked it.

OBViously the best part about this book were the mermaids. i came into it wanting mermaids and creepy shit in the ocean and science and thats what i got. they were creepy wnd fucked up and vicious and murderous amd beautiful and i loved them so much. especially that we got their pov! and how sometimes from their pov we would get little hints of answers about them before the scientists did. i liked that. loved the ocean imagery especially from dr toth was it heavy handed? maybe. idc i love the ocean.

this was also again. creepy as fuck not downright terrifying which surprised me bc im a huge wimp. but i was on the edge of my seat and anxious and nervous for a lot of the characters... which leads me to my next point i guess i dont really feel like i connected per say with all of the characters as much as others. like i feel connected for sure to olivia, especially when its her pov, the probable undiagnosed autism diagnosis goes crazy. and i really liked the wilsons, luis was nice, i liked dr toth. everyone else i didnt really care. which is fine i read this for cool mermaids !!

another thing i would kill for more of was the linguistics with hallie and lennox and the mermaid like i fucking LOVE that shit, and also what happened to said mermaid other than just a small bit at the end about it being bought by some rich guy. also would like to see more of the matriarch mermaid. i love the absolute ancient and archaic nature of creatures that are just fuckin so big, especially when it relates to the ocean. and also maybe i missed where her size was actually describe and im generally really bad at conceptualizing how big things are when just given like. measurements but i was picturing this thing as more colossal than anything else, which would tie into luis' research, right?? pretty sure that was his whole schtick and i wanted more of that... i do appreciate the mystery however. this book left me with questions, and not in a like this was filled with plot holes kinda way but more of a i need to know more this is probably how all those scientists felt kinda way. i like that i think. absolutely love how in these reviews im just spitballing ideas and seeing what sticks who knows tomorrow i probs wont agree with half the shit im saying but who cares. im working out my thought irl and this is what happens. on another note we had anchovies out for dinner and im not normally squeamish about them but. looking at them when reading this book did make me feel a bit weird so theres that. 4/5 stars had fun would recommend

[natasha-in-space]

Hi Mia, I know I am an anonymous stranger asking you this so if you'd rather not answer feel free to delete

I wanted to ask, what was it like right after dropping out of college? What did you do afterwards?

It's no problem at all, anon! I've kinda talked about it in my tags from time to time, so it's not something I'm particularly ashamed of. (usually that is)

And, uh.... fair warning, this is gonna get kind of dark and probably a bit depressing. I do occasionally mention my experiences on here in passing, but I tend to not talk about them in depth. So... kind of a CW for talks of past child abuse (I don't go in depth but it's implied) and severe mental health issues.

So, thing is, I was kind of forced to drop out. Though it was still technically my choice. But, at the same time, I don't think I had much of a choice, if that makes sense. As a teen, I hated school, and while I was a what you would call a 'gifted kid', adored by teachers and envied by classmates, I didn't put much effort or passion into my studies. I did finish school with pretty good grades, though. Got into college. It was there when I actually started to enjoy the process of learning and education as a whole. I went from being a pretty good student to quite literally one of the best once I started actually putting in the effort to study instead of just winging it by as I did before that.

But I also started off my independent life when I was in college. It should have been a good thing. And it was a good thing. (You're gonna hear lots of contradicting statements here, and that's something I had to accept). I finally got out of the abusive environment I've spent my entire life in. But, thing is, I learned the hard way that just getting out is not enough to actually get better. Once I was out, finally safe and free to do whatever I want with no danger or restrictions, I paradoxically fell into the darkest mental space I've ever been in. Now that I'm older, I know that it's unfortunately normal for abuse survivors. But I didn't back then. I had no friends because I used to be an anxious, traumatized teenager with undiagnosed autism who had no idea how to socialize, nor did she really want to. And I never got to grow out of that, despite now being an adult, living on my own and making my own choices. Thus, came the consequences of my antisocial lifestyle up until that point. I had no one to talk to. No one to help me out with the groceries, studies, anything really. I was completely and utterly on my own, and before that, I thought that that's the way I want to be.

But I felt lost, lonely, and depressed. It got so bad that I would sometimes spend an entire day stuck in bed, not doing anything, including eating, brushing my teeth or changing clothes. Basically, depression in its clearest. Like I said, I didn't have a support system. I was on my own, and it's kind of my own fault that it got like this. Yes, I was hurt and traumatized, but I was also highly avoidant and distant from everyone, even those who genuinely had good intentions. I still deal with my avoidant attachment style up to this day, because I know it's not healthy.

I had the 'everyone will hurt me, no one will understand me, so I'm safest by myself' mentality. Don't do that. Isolating yourself like that will only make it worse. Had to learn that the hard way.

Long story short, I dropped out. I couldn't handle studying, and I needed help. I wasn't attending my classes, I had no motivation to even make myself food, much less study, and I lost all sense of hope for the future. Was I happy with my choice? No, I was heartbroken over it. I felt like a failure. I still do, honestly. Most people my age have at least one degree, some even more. They have friends and connections they've made in college. Experiences I never got to have, and probably never will, because I am not getting younger. Some have successful careers that I am amazed by. Some married and even had kids. Meanwhile, I'm still stuck figuring myself out, without much to my name. Because I never really got to grow up. It's hard not to feel like I'm missing out. But I try not to think about it.

I went into therapy, I slowly but surely have gotten better. It was a long process. I've stumbled and given up many times. Unpacking all of my trauma and how it effected me into adulthood was debilitating and painful. You have to deal with the fact that you were robbed of the chance to have a normal, happy life, and you can't do anything about it. There was some morbid comfort in thinking that 'there is something wrong with me'. It gave me a sense of control. If it's my fault I felt useless and unmotivated, then I could fix it. Even if I never actually did that. But accepting that all of this misery is actually a consequence of someone else's actions that have hurt you this deeply... it makes you feel helpless and angry. Like there is nothing you can do.

But it does get better. Doesn't get perfect. I still have bad days, and I still feel pretty lost in life, to be honest. I have no idea what I want to do. Nor do I have any plans for the future. But I do want to go to college one day. I love learning and I enjoy challenging my brain with new tasks to try and overcome. I would do that right now, if it wasn't as expensive as it is. I cannot afford higher education. I would risk it and take out a loan if I had confidence that I will be able to get a job and pay it off after getting my degree. But I don't. Because tons of folks with degrees cannot find a job for months on end, and I see how miserable it makes them. And I'd much rather have some stability in my life.

I got a job that I actually find joy in, though I don't think I'll be doing that for the rest of my life. I got a lovely circle of friends that I can rely on. I got a creative hobby there to keep me happy. It's not ideal, but I'm content with my life, and sometimes I'm even happy. I have no idea what the future will bring, but, honestly, I'd much rather focus on today and now.

I guess that's all to say that... dropping out is not always pretty and freeing. Then again, there's a difference between dropping out because you have no further intention to continue your studies, and dropping out due to circumstances out of your control. But it's not the end of the world. You stumble, you fall and you even regress, but you somehow get back up again. You find new things to do and enjoy. Life goes on. And it's still worth living for.

[mihai-florescu]

I was reflecting on my early 2010s internet days and man... i sometimes worry that my obsessions now are performative, i Am doing fanarts in hopes of likes, i Am making posts in hopes of conversations etc, i worry that i only do things for engagement. But then i look back at my adventure time days. I would spend hours drawing fanarts, making fancomics, writing down my favorite song lyrics, browsing wikis, hand drawings character refs and then putting it all together in a big binder that i considered my bible. I had no social media, no friends who cared (those who did were casual watchers on tv because we were 9. I learned english to watch episodes in advance online). All i had was the power of undiagnosed autism. And i must admit an embarassing secret, dear readers. I didnt like bubbline (i only knew that was a ship through youtube comments and amvs) because 1. I was 9 and didnt know 2 girls could date, and 2. I wanted marceline for myself. Looking back it's really funny, the track record was that all my crushes in elenentary school were fictional girls but i just assumed thats normal. I remember when the first fionna and cake episode came out and people were going crazy for matshal lee, i thought he was fine, fun, but i was also mentally rolling my eyes because he's not as cool as marceline. I dont even know why i was a hater there i think i just was too much of a marceline fan to accept what i perceived as people hyping up this guy more than her? Once again i was in elementary school. I had no connection to other Actual people in a fandom setting. And thats how things should be at that age... once i hit middle school my pokemon hyperfixation came back and i also discovered what reddit was... i wasnt posting myself as far as i remember but still. I think it wasnt until my superwholock phase, youtubers phase, and early anime phase in middle school when i started posting online. Wait i just remembered another core memory of the late elementary school days. All the rule 34 that was just free floating on google images when you searched for a character. I was also a mlp girl, so, you know. I like to think im truly and properly desensitized to any and every thing the internet can offer.

[slutty-urbanist]

Beneath the Mask from Persona 5 is a song about Autism

The first verse: Where have you been? /Been searching all along /Came facing twilight on and on /Without a clue /Without a sign /Without grasping yet /The real question to be asked Where have I been?

This is about growing up autistic but being undiagnosed. There's something different about you. Something weird. You know this, everyone knows this, but you don't know exactly what. "Came facing twilight on and on [...] Without grasping yet, The real question to be asked."

The first chorus: I'm a shapeshifter /At Poe's masquerade /Hiding both face and mind /All free for you to draw /I'm a shapeshifter /What else should I be? /Please don't take off my mask /Revealing dark

Here the concept of masking is introduced. Autistic masking is when autistic people hide their autistic traits to try to pass as neurotypical. It involves suppressing one's authentic self in order to more easily fit into society. It provides security at the cost of connection. As you can imagine, this has negative mental health outcomes. "Hiding both face and mind, All free for you to draw." This line shows us that the author is masking to fit in with society. "Please don't take off my mask, Revealing dark." This shows that the author is scared of unmasking being their authentic self.

The second verse: Moments of calm /Nothing left to be found /A mirror right in front of me /That's where I find /An empty glass /Reflecting the sad truth /It's telling words not to be told /I need the mask

This verse could represent the author discovering that they're autistic. Another interpretation is that they discover that they won't be accepted by society if they don't mask.

The second chorus: I'm a shapeshifter /At Poe's masquerade /Hiding both face and mind /All free for you to draw /I'm a shapeshifter /Chained down to my core /Please don't take off my mask /My place to hide

The author feels trapped in this verse. "Chained down to my core."

The third verse: I can't tell you /How to see me /Just a cage of bones /There's nothing inside /Will it unleash me? /Burning down the walls /Is there a way /For me to break?

In this verse, the author really wants to break free and be their authentic self, wearing the mask has taken its toll. But they're struggling to unmask. "Will it unleash me? Burning down the walls." The author is worried that being themselves would ruin their life and relationships but also acknowledges the possibility that things could get better. "Burning down the walls" could mean destroying the things they've built so far, or it could mean tearing down the barriers between them and others.

The third chorus: I'm a shapeshifter /At Poe's masquerade /Hiding both face and mind /All free for you to draw /I'm a shapeshifter /Have no face to show /Please don't take off my mask /My disguise

The author has masked for so long, created so many different personalities for different people that they don't know who they really are any more. "I'm a shapeshifter, Have no face to show."

Do you agree with my analysis?

[writerinturmoil]

2025 Writing Projects

1. Gentle Comes the Night

I came up with the idea for this novel while at uni. For a creative writing course, I wrote a short story version titled "Serenity within Chaos". I didn't feel the need to write a novel version until 2023.

Currently, I have a quarter of the rough draft finished and should complete it by the end of June.

Synopsis:

Set in 1965, E ends up in a coma after getting "gay bashed" by three bigoted men. In the coma, he fights to regain consciousness.

In order to escape the void that he now occupies, he must regain all of the pivotal memories that he had lost as a result of the bashing. That means he must relive past traumas, past joys, past sorrows. After reliving these memories, he must then use his dreams, his nightmares to process them. These two things he must do while simultaneously maintaining a tenuous hold on reality. On the life occurring beyond the void. Beyond his inner turmoils and struggles.

Will he find a way out of the void or become lost in its impenetrable darkness?

This novels deals with homophobia, grief, trauma, drug addiction, self-acceptance, and PTSD.

Note: The character is autistic but undiagnosed.

2. Secrets Within

In 2009, I self-published this novel, but it has since gone out of print. Before I can republish it, I need to restructure several key scenes and give it a thorough edit. I should finish the rewrite by the end of this year and get it back into print sometime in 2027.

Synopsis:

Rural Tennessee in 1959 is a place filled with bigotry and hatred, heteronormative values, and Jim Crow laws. It isn't an idea place for two boys to fall in love.

Mahal loves fashion, poetry, and sunsets. He dreams of moving away and finding a place where he belongs. Jake loves science, nature, and unusual things. He dreams of moving away and finding a place where he isn't ostracized just because of the color of his skin.

These two misfits find each other and form a cohesive bond. Will they beat the odds and find a place where they can live free, or will the men who wear white pillowcases over their heads shatter all of their hopes and dreams?

Note: Mahal has ADHD and Jake has autism, but both boys are undiagnosed.

Well, that's all I have for today. Until next time, take care and stay curious.