#journal night i guess

[mihai-florescu]

I was reflecting on my early 2010s internet days and man... i sometimes worry that my obsessions now are performative, i Am doing fanarts in hopes of likes, i Am making posts in hopes of conversations etc, i worry that i only do things for engagement. But then i look back at my adventure time days. I would spend hours drawing fanarts, making fancomics, writing down my favorite song lyrics, browsing wikis, hand drawings character refs and then putting it all together in a big binder that i considered my bible. I had no social media, no friends who cared (those who did were casual watchers on tv because we were 9. I learned english to watch episodes in advance online). All i had was the power of undiagnosed autism. And i must admit an embarassing secret, dear readers. I didnt like bubbline (i only knew that was a ship through youtube comments and amvs) because 1. I was 9 and didnt know 2 girls could date, and 2. I wanted marceline for myself. Looking back it's really funny, the track record was that all my crushes in elenentary school were fictional girls but i just assumed thats normal. I remember when the first fionna and cake episode came out and people were going crazy for matshal lee, i thought he was fine, fun, but i was also mentally rolling my eyes because he's not as cool as marceline. I dont even know why i was a hater there i think i just was too much of a marceline fan to accept what i perceived as people hyping up this guy more than her? Once again i was in elementary school. I had no connection to other Actual people in a fandom setting. And thats how things should be at that age... once i hit middle school my pokemon hyperfixation came back and i also discovered what reddit was... i wasnt posting myself as far as i remember but still. I think it wasnt until my superwholock phase, youtubers phase, and early anime phase in middle school when i started posting online. Wait i just remembered another core memory of the late elementary school days. All the rule 34 that was just free floating on google images when you searched for a character. I was also a mlp girl, so, you know. I like to think im truly and properly desensitized to any and every thing the internet can offer.

[momspaget]

In Journal 3, Dipper mentions that McGucket’s gold tooth moves &, yeah, it fr does after rewatching the whole show. I’ve seen a lot of things while living in Appalachia but I’ve never seen that. Someone explain how THAT makes sense

[rexscanonwife]

Hey guys, sorry I've been quiet for a few days! I've just been really low energy and if I'm being honest just catching up on some rest 😅 I paused the queue cause I didn't feel like tagging anything and I don't like posts queueing untagged but it's up again now! So it won't feel like I'm so underground ajfjfkgk

[schrutexbucks]

"You wanna hear the bad news or the really bad news?" "Actually, I don't want any news Damon." "Alright, let me rephrase: Do you want to hear how the council is back in vampire mode or how I just killed Uncle John Gilbert?"

The Vampire Diaries S1 E18 Under Control

one gifset per episode 18/171

[suddencolds]

~

[coyotesinew]

Sometimes specific feelings come through. feelings that are so overwhelmingly not ones I've ever known. I don't know. this is such a strange melancholy. I feel wrong in ways that are new. like I'm not meant to be so... involved? this world is infinite. I am infinite. but I must traverse the Earth with a clock on my shoulders. A pressure and weight of age and time and loss.

The coyote has an admiration for humans. An appreciation for the new lands they've provided him. the food and prey, new homes and obstacles to overcome. I, the unicorn, do not. I don't eat from their palms happily. I don't walk their manufactured landscapes with wonder or excitement. I feel a horrible ache within me when I think about all they have done to this life. A unicorn is not supposed to ache. a unicorn can feel pain and sadness. A unicorn can be scared. but a unicorn shouldn't feel this dreadful ache. in this body, I'm coming to understand that I have been feeling this ache for quite some time. the feeling of infinite loss.

how do you describe the feeling of having your self be absent from you? Any little bit of magic you were meant to keep for all of time, utterly gone. I've tried to muster over all these years. I've tried to identify it. Pull it out of the sky around me, the ligaments and muscles within me. It is gone completely.

I can't bear look at this body. I can't take the weight of all these worries. so wholly unimportant, so entirely insignificant. there isn't room for much else in a body and mind such as this one.

oh heartache, oh soul of mine.

come back from the stars, to me.

[the---hermit]

12|05|2023

10/50 days of productivity

Yesterday the bus driver decided it was time for air conditioning (it wasn't that hot tbh), and of course I woke up with a sore throat. It didn't help that today it also rained pretty heavily so by the time I got on my bus to go back home I was soaked. When I got home I was even more exhausted than usual. Dinner definitely helped, it made me feelbinstantly better both physically and mood wise.

Productivity:

3 hour protohistory lecture

Listened to the new episode of re:dracula

Self care:

Read first thing in the morning

Made myself a lot of herbal tea with honey to help with my throat

Had a lovely dinner

📖: Interview With The Vampire by Anne Rice (this book is turning out to be way slower than I expected it to be. Thankfully I found am audiobook which might help me a bit!)

[skunkes]

i need the next Breakthrough i have to be of the "your work output doesn't define your worth" variety even if it will probably just make me even more lazy

because i just realized, since comms take up most of my life, most of my daily journal entries end with some form of "i got so little work done today!!!! i think i should be beat to death about it" and its like. hey man dont say that actually

[lagtrain]

pro ivy lagtrain tip: dont fall in love with a boy. especially not one who is funny. because it is very likely that he is also going to be bad with his emotions and will leave you spiralling at any seeming attempt at flirting/expressing interest that he potentially makes

[hiddenworldofmary]

late at night when you’re plagued by thoughts old and new, the only person you could ask for advice isn’t there and all you can do is imagine the conversation you would have if you could

you cry and you journal and life goes on

[lesbiangiratina]

112/80 blood pressure i wasnt Fully careful with salt intake today and only took like 1/8 of a beta blocker. We’re so back. Hopefully.

[avocado-frog]

how am i supposed to live laugh love under these conditions

tldr for tags my mom found an old journal of mine and read through it so i accidentally outed myself to her lols

[torchickentacos]

I can’t sleep, I‘ve got ten things to respond to that I haven’t gotten around to and probably never will despite all intentions, and I don’t have a table or chairs built right now, and 4 am is decidedly the wrong time to deal with ANY of this but WOW everything gets terrible this late at night/early in the morning!!!!! Very fine line between ‘calm and serene, everyone’s asleep and i have a moment of peace’ and ‘oh god oh fuck the horrors’. Anyways.

[feralgirlfromatl]

When your husband gets too drunk, but you’re too high on coke and he falls asleep but I’m wide awake…

[yuukimiyas]

(∩ˊᵕˋ∩)･* hiii!! & g’mornin!! i hope everyone slept so well & that your fave mornin beverage was made just right!! have the v best weds <33

[freebooter4ever]

I will confess i dont like the planned aspect of LA - everything has to be done in advance, you have to get tickets so early and its so expensive. And im not good at any of that unless its something really really special :/