#isnt being a loser exhausting?

[fat-psychward-sockgrippussy333]

"I would never dress that vulgar or talk that vulgar! I think people who dress or talk-," You know you don't have to engage with content right? You know you can simply keep it pushing right? Especially irl.. Like..who's forcing you to gawk at this person? You can collect your pussy crumbles and ...leave? Close ya eyes damn😭

[panlyv]

.

[internet-cheesecake]

oooooo so since the 'pre-cult leader lamb' is in the lead for the next comic poll as of rn, figured I'd do some quick doodles and notes on it & them

here's their general design & some info

(wawawawawawaaaaaaaaa why are side profiles so hard to draw ????? .⁠·⁠´⁠¯⁠`⁠(⁠>⁠▂⁠<⁠)⁠´⁠¯⁠`⁠·⁠.)

then some notes and rambling on the comic's plot & other info about their background below, so spoiler alert if you wanna wait !

(edit) have changed a good chunk of this info by now !!!! most of it is no longer accurate, so please just consider it concept art for future comics !!!!

this was probably the longest out of all the ideas, so I'm gonna split it up a bunch. This is the general plot idea though so far (⁠人⁠*⁠´⁠∀⁠｀⁠)⁠｡⁠*ﾟ⁠+

•only child of a merchant family from anchordeep, thus learned general merchant trades & bribery

•fled the anchordeep culling with parents, and ended up settling in a hidden sheep village in darkwood

('hidden village refers to 'the herd' found in one of the lost messages. Generally, i think lambs in the areas wouldve been hunted in this order: silk cradle, anchordeep, anura, then darkwood.)

(silk cradle first, since Shamura is the god of wisdom, so it could have been their idea, plus, the prophecy

anchordeep next because Kallamar probably would've followed suit, whether it be for his own safety against the prophecy, or out of not wanting to upset anyone.

then anura, not much thought for this one, but we know darkwood was last since the Lamb was found there, so we can assume anura was before it.)

•would do odd jobs around the village for money and supplies, including guard duty, babysitting, supply runs, ect (basically, where they got the experience later used to run a cult)

•lambs who would leave the village on supply runs sometimes started disappearing while gone, including their parents. Lambert took this as a sign of a potential attack upcoming, and started stockpiling jewelery for bribery and selling, hence why they're wearing so much of it.

•was about to return from a supply run when the village was found, and they went into hiding

(reference to 'lost message II,' which states 'one fled my blade. I will find it')

•was caught a few times, but managed to escape by either using bribes or fighting

•after a few years in hiding, they eventually exhausted all their savings, (bribe jewelry) and when put into a difficult spot, they were forced to sell their sword, leading to them being unable to fight or bribe, causing them to be caught and sacrificed.

•when finally caught, did not say a word. was probably holding back tears and didn't want to seem like a coward in their last moments

(feels fitting that they'd have a lot of pride and not want to seem like a coward, since they're a sore loser in the game. also yet another reference to the lost message, stating 'I found the last, hidden deep in the Lands. It followed me, silent, to the ritual grounds.')

•Their sword, 'beat-up blade' had been a bit of a family heirloom. No one had actually used it in generations though, as it was not really fit for fighting anymore. After their parents disappeared, Lamb tried to DIY restore it by replacing the blade with a darkwood style one, as they were more used to it (due to guard duty) and the anchordeep hilt would sell for a pretty penny. Apparently, it was one of Kallamar's many weapons a very, very long time ago.

(I need some kind of actual reason for the Kallamar favortism that isnt just 'oh yeah internet-cheesecake thinks he's cool lmao' so made Lamb from anchordeep & gave them one of Kallamar's super old and unwanted swords. that way, i can do some kind of 'well, you kinda protected me, in a way. for that, I've grown to appreciate you. So thank you.' oh and plus i live in a tropical area and wanted to include that somehow)

[jellyaibo]

breaking my silence...i fuckng hate this "genre" of object show gijinka and im tired of acting like it isnt . bland

(using ii gijinkas as my guinea pigs for this, considering i really ONLY see these kinds of gijinkas in the ii side of the osc)

they are just. all the same build, usually same hairstyles and fashion theres NOTHINGGG that differentiates one persons gijinka from another because thats how similar they look to me, also if i were to color these do u think it would make it more obvious who is who? (if u cant already tell who is who obvs. its tt, fan & pickle but ohhhh my god THERESS NO SAUCE)

this might just sound fucking insane on my part but also even though these gijinkas dont have natural skintones (obvs trying to match the objects) they completely lack any features that say they ARENT white (i mean like very eurocentric) finding one with afro hair is like looking for a needle in a haystack (im being so serious ive barely seen any . kind of diversity like that)

and not even just diversity in races too, because 99% of them are all tall and skinny they just completely lack any body diversity (once again, very eurocentric yk yk) and because of that they have. awful silhouettes (unless they have VERY defining features which is fucking rare, so unless you have a really unique design a lot of people probably can't tell who is who unless you either squint really hard or have them be colored in)

my point is . these gijinkas just dont look good like at all. (im not gonna kill anyone for making gijinkas like this btw but ill def squint at you rlly hard but thats just me) and i think people should try to go and experiment with more expressive and fun designs that can make these blokes rlly stand out more!!! (something as simple as just, giving them acne, making them shorter/taller than they actually are, wacky hair n cool disability aids etc. just fucking go nuts!!! diversity just. makes better designs imho)

i designed these kinda on the spot (im sorry pickle) and like. even if they might look a little bland imo they have way more personality than the designs above!!!!!!!!!!! its not hard lichurally all u need to do is get an idea n try it

also i didnt know where to put this but like. another example of why i think these gijinkas just fucking suck: i uhhhh made my loser gijinka into one

her joy? her happiness? her personality and transsexual swag? GONE. SUCKED AWAY FROM HER BEING. she is a HUSK

my final note(s) on this is like. just go experiment brah im sooo tired of seeing these ohh please im so exhausted...EVEN IF U ARENT CONFIDENT IN UR DESIGNING SKILLS . GOING AND TAKING THAT FIRST STEP IS GOOD please just go nuts ohhh u wanna go nuts so fucking bad . theres many many references for different bodies n details n shit AND U DONT EVEN HAVE TO LIKE. STUDY EVERYTHING TO BECOME "GOOD" at this . just . freaking go for it

and my final (final) note is uhmm very petty but idc but the artist that popularized this kind of object show gijinka isnt the best person so like. yeah that is one of my top reasons on why i dont like em LMAO

uhhh and yeah thats it thats pretty much all sorry for rambling im just a tired little biracial boy oohh im so tired heres a lollipop 🍭

[radmalenia]

you come off as someone coping with their inability to accept themselves. you treat this website liked its a diary. like no one on earth will see the vile shit you spew. but thats wrong. you know its wrong. you know you are hurting people. you cant get over that sarcastic, nervous grinning, shit eating, shaky anger that can been mistaken for a dopamine hit if you a truly depressed enough. you get off to harassing people, you need it to stop thinking about how bad things got. about that person who hurt you. about how you were raised. you blame everyone but yourself.

why do you make your entire personality about how you failed at transitioning? that sounds really exhausting. maybe if you talked to someone about all these conflicting feelings you have, you wouldnt feel compelled to harass transgender people online all the time. its genuinely sickening to watch someone call an entire 7% of all humans, from a vastly diverse range of back grounds, all of those people; rapists and pedophiles.

you will hit a wall one day. you wont be able to sustain this hate. on that day, i hope you dont hurt yourself. i hope maybe at least after youve done your damage, maybe at least then youll be able to live happily. god. thats all i want. why cant we all just leave each other alone. be happy.

i had to ruin my fucking morning, reading the vile shit you spread. i had to type all this bullshit that you absolutely wont read. i had to do this shit because YOU, an adult, cant keep their shit together around trannys. if you wont take any of the peace and love shit ive said, at least take this;

fuck off. find a new hobby. this isnt cute. you are going to hurt someone. you are going to tip an already fragile person into killing themselves. and thats best case scenario

Not reading that schizo rant, honey. All I need to get from this is that my advocation for women and children to be safe from misogyny and gender ideology has triggered another childish, verbally violent gender ideologist.

Whatever is going on with you is not my problem. Promoting a harmful delusion and then losing your mind when people won't just roll over and let you take that fantasy and trample all over everyone else with it...seems that results in mental instability for you! And to make it worse it's something that you have entirely brought upon yourself.

Go to fucking therapy for your projections, lies, delusions, vitriol, misogyny; whatever it is you're spewing here it probably falls under several of those categories. You always have the capability to stop being such a loser if you actually try!

[youremyheaven]

As a nodal, I want to agree and disagree about "draining" yang people. They do come to us first usually, they see that we don't show interest even when we like them (at least ketu ruled moons) and they simply stop giving a fuck. I think its possible that in some cases we drain them, but I also feel like they are expecting us to show a lot of interest and as someone else said, nodals are used to be gatekeepers (moon people too) of stuff, including feelings. We dont have light to give anyway. I find that we can drain solars as much as they can overwhelm nodals. I always hear nodals complaining about solar people overwhelming them with their energy. So at one point i feel like it's mutual, they may feel like nodals drain them but we feel like they are too much? Idk if that makes sense to other nodals reading this. I know a few solars who I really love and all but I try to stay away because I know if I get into a convo with them they will either start asking a bunch of questions or they will start talking about themselves to the point I will be exhausted. Especially uttara ashadhas, I find all of them to be too intense for me, although i had and still have great friendships with them. when Krittikas are angry for example, I just stand there and dont have any idea of what to do. I find it so hard to give a fuck about things so I dont understand why they're angry and they end up making me tired when they keep talking about the same frustrations over and over.

i feel like they both get tired of eachother, or at least, it could be any of the parts feeling drained, not just yang.

For rahu, I feel like rahuvians are really hard to control, they are chaotic af. they crave yang energy but I dont think they can stand yangs giving them the structure they crave. at the end they will try to destroy it over and over, until the yang person is drained and just gives up.

I want to agree about us being delusional, but I also want to say that Sun and Jupiter people feed our delusions as well. It's not about blaming them for our things. I really dont want to sound like that nodal who isnt self aware. 😭 I enjoy reading shit about us because its funny and it helps. but if we are being real 😭 Sun and Jupiter people validate nodal's delusions. I think I already talked too much so to make it as brief as possible I will give you a personal example. My friend is a punarvasu sun and moon, my other friend UA rising. Sometimes I tell them my delusional stories and they just find a way to literally amplify it or make it worse...... Like if I say "my crush broke up with his gf, i have a chance" they will tell me sometbing like "oh, it's because she is in love with you, she broke up because now she wants you" i told them just yesterday "i know im delusional but dont you guys think thats a lot and also kinda dangerous to tell me" damn

SJSJJSJJSJS lmao

Nodals or Ketuvians being overwhelmed by yang energy is interesting, I've definitely felt like I was "too much" for some of these people

The not being able to care part took me out lol 😭😂my ex friend who had Mula Moon was like that, I'd have a breakdown in front of her and she'd just be like 🧍‍♀️like girlie had no idea what to say or how to react and literally did not give a fck 😂😂

I think these energies are mismatched and it's interesting to hear about it from the perspective of a Nodal

That's one example of them feeding your delusions but I meant being delusional/lacking self awareness in a different way? like many of the Nodals ik have no idea how they are perceived (maybe this is a consequence of them being a shadow planet and literally being in the dark) they will do batshit crazy stuff and blame others for it, act completely unhinged and think they're just being funny or charming or adventurous. It's like my alcoholic broke deadbeat loser senior who acted like he was a catch and that I wanted him. I meant being delusional in a completely different way and cited examples as well of more extreme behaviour? And you really cannot blame anybody else for that lol, those people weren't acting that way bc anybody fed their delusions, they simply were a little bit unhinged

[gayspock]

ok whatever

i feel s fucking disconnected i feel like im crazy whenever im withpeople i cant even trickmyself into feeling like im on the same plane of existence and cant fucking understand any of it i cannotfucking care. i fucking hate being so alone but i dont fucking care any more and its toomuch i cant handle and yep yep yep im not fuckign "enough" to fucking fight it or whatever the fuck thatmeans but i dont fucking care because no matter what its never going tomake a damn difference . and i dont know i keep fuckingwanting it so badly and thats the conceit of it all fucking losing my mind . trying but i dontknow whats wrong with me or whats so fucking funny about me . and when im trying.something something . rejection is one thing . i get it and i expect it now or just whatever but. idontknow what else to do though i feel like i always jsutburn myself out triyng to be part of peoples lives and howevermuch i care itsjust a joke its always just a fucking joke and it never makes a difference and i jsut fucking recede and it never matters when i do that either or whatever i jsut i want to feel fucking tangible but i dont know what to do anymore because i feel so fucking alien all the fucking timelike everyone. fucking. talks. about. loneliness oh im so fucking alone i dontfucking know i want to punch them when theyvehad partners when they talk to their family wqhen literally fucking anything jsut fucking anything i just want to have someonefucking know i exist in some fucking capacity liek i spend months, years without fuckinganyhting and even before then what . i odnt know. i used to come home from schoolcrying because i just wanted to be taken seriously but i feel like peoepl just always included me cuz i was kind of a funny joke at worst and incidental at best like we'll never rremember you, you'll never be invited to anything, we'll neve rbring you along, we'll never include you in the same way we remember everyone else. theres a point of like i know im meant to ask . sometimes i can get that.but i dont know. why do i alwayshave to do that why is it always exerting so much time and energy when ihavenothing left any morre to ty and force myself into peoples lives . when the others dont. when nobody else in that situation had to try and fucking make it happen. when i dont think they want me there ever. and i just wantthat to be fucking wanted in some way to fucking exist in soem capacity that isnt me in my own fucking head going nuts . like oh we rememberedyou in the same way everyone else is a part of this but even that its like. i dontknow even thats so . so fucking dumb and fucdking hard to fucking everconceive of those once in every so many years occurences that happen less and less. its so mortifying crying about it all like that . somethimng soething. you know when reality kicksin again cuz you realise THAT. the shit that you used to fucking sobabout for hours and hours at night cuz u felt so fucking alone and isolated all the fucking time was the best it was ever going to be and the easiest it was ever going to be.

and its just so much fuckingharder to ever do it now because i know at our age nobodys ever going to have the time or patience to deal with afucking headcase and i go to work and italk to people and i jsut feel people fucking laughing at me and i go to spaces and i feel myself seizingup. even the places where you think itmight be easier more accepting. the "theyre all alone there must be something wrong with them" laughsthat you get the fact you dont have anything inyour life any more you dont have anything to talk about youre just nothing but a fucking whole bunch of failures. andits like i cant ezxpect it right i cant expect anyone to like me and its not fair to cry atpeople for not liking me when its jsut like . dude youre just annoying and a loser and its not that deep but yeah it means youjre gonna be alone a nd i odnt know i cant talk straight any more and imso exhausted all the time andim getting more tired and theres nothing and yourwhole life is eaten up bytrying to stay afloatikeep thinking about whats going to happen how its always on the precipice howi dont have enough in me to fget through anything how one bad thing can happen and it can set me back months, years because i cantmanage it on my own but what else is ther ei cant do anything i keep trying things they just fucking mean nothing i feel like i go home on my own and spiral and i just reallydo want help and peoplejsut tell you to ask for it but then when you do itdoes nothing and idont understand how it jsut happens for otherpeople how they can just . even find some asort of connection i cant fucking read anytihng about it i feel like whenever i do experiencde media with someone talking about their loneliness even then theres something fucking tethering them some fucking distant fucking connection i fele like im going fucking nuts im kidding i always say that who cares i havent had a conversation with someone in years i think ive had more birthdays alone than ive ever had with another person i cant manage to do anything but spiral i kepegetting angry at everyone and idont know theres a part of me that feels sick with myself theres anotherpart of me that jsut wants to let it happen cuz what does it matter its never going to matter even if im mad its funny topeople its a fucking funnnyyyyyy joke in the end if they even notice at all and i just dont know what i do wrong i dont know because even when i go back and i analyse everything over and overagain its nothing its just always just the. yourejust not fucking enough for anyhting youre just not enough wevn when you give your all you cant do anything right i cant do anything right and fair enoughryeah like fair enough nobody stays for that because what do you give topeople you can care but eveyrone can fucking careand at the end of the day youre just a burden blah blahj balh i feel fucking crazyyyysmile gorgeous smile

[robo-ky888]

(Part 1 if you missed it

The fight goes on and eventually all three come to a standstill where bedman writes off Robo Ky as nothing but a toy and says “hey if i kill you, venom will be basically nothing” this causes venom to go into do or die mode as the guy is not afraid of dying at all, willing to do anything for the mission even if it means sacrificing himself. After venom sets up a massive attack bedman’s inner monologue goes off and says “dude can you FUCK OFF im doing this to save everyone so i dont really care if you die.” and Robo Ky actually acknowledges this fact, even calling bedman a nice guy to which bedman promptly reveals that OOPS hes keeping the kids from the beginning as hostages to see who’s dream is stronger, his or the duo’s. Robo then turns to venom and goes “hey, cool off for a bit and watch this” and approaches the kids to protect them, even after what they did. The kids even question why he wanted to save them to which Robo Ky tells them to shut the hell up. Bedman then also questions this, asking why Robo Ky would want to protect the people of the town, which then leads into Robo Ky’s most defining moment. He essentially tells bedman that hes a fucking loser with no regard for life and that he should feel awful. Even after the townspeople treated Robo Ky like genuine garbage, he still would never harm them. He acknowledges the fact that yeah, he's PISSED at them for how they treated him but he also acknowledges the fact that without them he wouldn’t be able to keep himself running or wash his clothes or get him jobs, so even though he's angry, he would never hurt anyone, even the kids that bullied him at the beginning. As he states, if he can be useful to just one person, then that makes him a member of society, something Robo Ky longs for. He says that bedman must have been put in a world that disrespected him even more than himself for bedman to turn out like this but goes on to say that whatever goal bedman is trying to achieve, he's going about it in the completely wrong way. This causes bedman to get absolutely pissed and fires a spike through Robo Ky, to which Robo Ky ignores it and keeps dissing bedman, saying that bedman must not care AT ALL about this world if he's willing to endanger it just for his own dream. Robo Ky then takes another spike and keeps walking LIKE THE BADASS HE IS and even venom is like “bro, chill the hell out or you’re gonna die” AND THE CHAD JUST KEEPS GOING AND KEEPS TALKING SHIT TO BEDMANS FACE EXPLAING TO BEDMAN THAT “hey DIPSHIT everyone is gonna FUCKING DIE if you do this so maybe don't?” and to be fair, bedman actually does not know this but that's a completely different story. Robo Ky then tells bedman that because he's a sophisticated and talented AI, only one life needs to be sacrificed in order to save the world, his own, to which he delivers his most raw line yet (the clip was supposed to go here but this isnt a video anymore so uh) after that, venom finishes the job and passes out near Robo Ky from exhaustion and once Robo Ky reactivates, he picks venom up with his teeth and flies them back home…well, Robo Kys home which if you recall was nowhere as he was homeless.

(Part 5)

[modern-alebrije]

isnt it exhausting being so obsessed with other people's lives? like, get your own you miserable loser

[jackienautism]

i rant about resident evil and their writing / inclusion of the girls.

i jsut want 2 girls to go on their fucked up little adventures together is that too much to ask

i finally got to the halfway point of code veronica X and GODDDD i fucking knew they were gonna do this goddamn shit w/ steve and claire. i knew from the goddamn beginning even if i didnt want to admoit it...... residetn evil just cant be normal w/ a girl being paired w/ a guy. they just fucking cant

i understand that this is seen more among the older games (ashley + leon from re4 as well) and i cant speak for the og re3 nemesis but the way they wrote carlos and jill? its just.... why make these male characters say such bizarre and degrading and just ? nasty comments towards the female protag? do you really expecvt us to root for them? i just dont fcuking undeerstand, and this occurs in a remake too! they didnt bother to maybe just maaaybe take that bulllshit out. because jill's uncomfortable. IM uncomfortable. its just. godddd who the fuck caaaares STOP THIS TROPE

you see this same thing w/ steve and claire.... not oonly is steve incredibly fucking annoying the first second we meet him, he also continually acts as a nuisance towards her for a good quarter of the game. yeah sure theyre just building up to the Ground Breaking Emo backstory drop later, but. you already made me fucking hate this loser so goddamn much meaning im not gonna give a single shit about his development later. I JUST DONT CARE FOR HIM !!!!!! THEM MAKING HIM SO ANNOYINH RUINED ANY CHANCE OF ME CHANGING MY MIDN LATER.......

and GOD havent even mentioned this yet but. when i saw the little preview thing w/ the 3 characters w/ claire + chris i saw [steve] and went.... [eyeballs] hello whos this? long story short i thoiught he was a butch lesbian and i got SO excite d b c residtn ebil has yet to pair a girl up w/ anothner girl around the same age but noooooo instead i got this pathetic loser of a man (derogatory). the closest we have to 2 girls being fucked up together is mia and zoe in re7. but thats like. mainly a side thing. and mia isnt even the protag so

which leads me to the next thng i wanted to talk about. i think mnmen are super cool ofc and i hate to be that Bitch and pull that Card but good freaking god why must there be a man FOR EVERY SINGLE FEMALE CHARACTER IN THIS GOD FORSAKEN SERIES...... andit woudlnt be huge deal if they were noraml w/ these pairings but theyre NOT..... THEY MAKE IT WEIRD EVERY SINGLE TIME..... STEVE LITERALLY ALMOST KISSES CLAIRE WHILE SHE'S ASLEEP........ CARLOS CONSISTENTLY MAKES UNNECESSARILY WEIRD COMMENTS TOWARD JILL......... ASHLEY RANDOMLY AWSKS FOR SEX AT THE END OF RE4............ WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT AOBUT? good for ashley for shooting her shot i guess though but considering yhe game's previous comments towards ashleu and her figure.... it was blatantly put in to sexualize her furtyher

maybe its thr lesbian in me popping out maybe its the aromantic in me popping out WHO KNOWS all i know is that. resident evil makes me very upset sometimes dflkgnjg i love the games i love the characters (esp the girls big surprise i know) but jesus christ. somethings i just can't ignore. and this is cerrtainly one of them. a girl just can't exist out of a guy according to capcom. and that sort of idea is suuuper evident in how they portray and include their women. you could have a girl protag (re3, recv etc) but theres always a 99% chance theres gonna be a man tagging along + continually saving their asses and theres almost alwaysa an even HIGHER chance that theyre meant to be seen as a romantic interest! and its exhausting@!!!!!

long story short . i get im not resident evil's target audience . but im still gonna be pissed and annoyed . the girls deserve better .

im def gonna have to go more in depth abt resident evil and their writing of relationships (or lack thereof) some other time but just for now. the best written ones are claire + sherry and mia + ethan goodbye

[herhours]

if you didnt get a happy ending but you were happy on the way was it fucking worth it????

i think about people who didnt get to have a good childhood and who didnt get to be happy and feel self actualized in life

i got that early. i was self actualized at 13 and im not longer not going to say that anymore

but whats the fucking point of having it for one half of your life if the other half of your life is trash

nobody gets to fucking have all of it both ways, do they, nobody gets to be self actualized as a child and get to have a happy ending, it doesnt fucking make sense because you cant know enough to know both sides of it.

so these fucking losers, the ones whose early life killed them, im supposed to believe they will be happy after?

does it even fucking matter to be happy after? and if it doesnt, then where the fuck is this anger coming from?

im exhausted. ive eaten nothing today. i am miserable. i am unhappy and i am tired. i am getting dressed to leave my house because staying in my head all day today did not turn out to be productive.

DO I EVEN FUCKING CARE?

im annoyed with all of this. i want to be in my fucking head, and i want to care, and i want to be making a life that is good things.

i dont like this fucking trying to fix it version that isnt that.

but im going to do it fucking anyway because if i dont i fucking die. and i dont die. so here is this dumb ass saturday of dumb ass nothing that fixes nothing and improves nothing and means nothing other than i get out of my fucking head til the next time im able to care about being in my fucking head.

bullshit. im gonna get dressed, and i gotta go.

[pwnyta]

Best part of the cover story (for me) was Reiju and Ichiji both just being exhausted by all this MADS business. Like Reiju might not like most of her brothers, but there was a certain solidarity in being even MORE fed up with their loser dad.

I cant enjoy the cover stry much at all because I hate Sanji and his family TBH. Reiju isnt too bad tho all considered.

[hyunderwater]

imagine being a lesbian (2)

ship: ryujin x yeji

warning: mentions of homophobia, making out scene, slight nudity

note: this chapter ate some of my life force and still isnt my best work my apologies. also she/they aro/ace yuna supremacy. :)

ao3

1-2-3-4-5-6-7

---

The bus coughed up exhaust and exhausted students, a stream of sleep-deprived zombies flowing out of the muddy yellow vehicle.

Yuna was already waiting for her, leaning against the wall of the school. They were wearing flannel and ripped jeans with fishnets underneath, the can tabs hanging from her earring tinkling as they looked up. “Hey loser, how shitty is your new schedule?”

Ryujin groaned. “God, don’t remind me. I have gym first period.” Yuna hissed sympathetically. “I have art first period,” the younger preened, smiling evilly at Ryujin. “Lucky bitch,” Ryujin muttered.

Fuck first period gym. Ryujin would rather be rotting away in her bed, thank you very much.

It was enough that every part of gym class was horrible for her, from the disgusted and scared looks she got in the locker rooms to the hell of exercising. She didn’t need to be exhausted and sweaty for the whole day on top of all of that.

She walked into the gym quietly, trying to sneak past everyone so the teachers didn’t notice how late she was. Waiting until everyone else had left to change was a pain in her ass, but Ryujin would rather be late to gym than make everyone uncomfortable and aggressive towards her in the locker rooms.

The gym teacher, being a little old and weird like most gym teachers, didn’t even notice Ryujin slipping in late, and she managed to squish herself into the back of the class with no consequences.

“All right, everyone,” their gym teacher barked, banging her clipboard with her pen. “We’re going to play dodgeball today! I don’t want to hear any complaining,” she instructed sternly, glaring at the student in the front who had grumbled loudly. “I’m going to split you guys into two teams- and if I see anyone switching teams, you’re spending lunch in the ball closet, picking up the balls.” The classes’ snickers died out as the gym teacher gave them the stink eye again.

Ryujin spaced out as she divided them into teams, imagining being far away while she waited until her name was called.

“And Hwang, you go to team one.”

Huh, I didn’t know Hyunjin was gonna be in my gym class, Ryujin thought, fingers idly fidgeting with her earring. Someone at the front of the class stood up, and Ryujin felt all of the air leave her lungs, blood draining from her face as she took in the sight of the girl before her.

She still looked as pretty as she had the day when she stared at Ryujin with her pretty eyes swimming with hate, hurt, and somewhere buried underneath that, fear. Fear of something unknown to Ryujin.

She looks different, somehow, Ryujin noted. Yeji did look different. She had a new sort of air around her, and the expression of a person right in the middle of a crisis who refuses to show any type of weakness. A little too late, Ryujin realized she had been staring right at Yeji. Like she could feel the burn of Ryujin’s incredulous stare, the older girl turned around. Her eyes locked right onto hers, a quiet kind of intensity and a feeling Ryujin couldn’t quite put her finger on swirling in her gaze.

Ryujin gasped quietly. Her face burned with shame as she quickly pulled her eyes away from Yeji’s piercing gaze. There’s no fucking way she didn’t notice, holy shit.

Ryujin could feel the burn of Yeji’s eyes on her throughout the whole game, and those familiar butterflies poured into her stomach again, spreading the familiar warmth of a crush through her whole body, until some asshole called her a slur and smacked her right in the face with a dodgeball. The rest of the period followed in a similar fashion, and Ryujin was pretty sure she had a bruise the size of Texas by the end.

“Okay! The bell’s about to ring, everyone! You all can go to the locker rooms now!” the teacher hollered, not even bothering to look up from her phone as she yelled.

Ryujin walked into the locker room in a daze, still trying to process the shock of seeing Yeji for the first time in months besides the occasional glimpse in the halls. Why now? she asked the universe. Sometimes I wish I never have to see her again, just so I never have to feel that horrible again. But at the same time… feelings don’t really give a shit. Her heart seemed to be dead set on Yeji, no matter how many nights Ryujin spent crying over her, and no matter how much time had gone by.

Something hit the ground, making a hollow sound and startling Ryujin out of her thoughts. She looked up and made eye contact with Yeji, who was the color of a tomato. “Shit,” Yeji whispered, surveying the mess they’d made of the stack of cups by the water cooler. Ryujin realized that that was probably the first word that she’d heard Yeji say in months. “Sorry,” Ryujin squeaked, her body frozen in place. Some things never changed, and around Yeji, Ryujin’s muscles always seemed to forget how to respond to her brain, leaving her stuck in place with nothing but strangled nonsense coming out of her mouth whenever she tried to speak.

“Hey! Hwang! Shin! What the hell, ladies? You two are seniors, you should know better! Stay after to clean it up, okay? I’ll give you late passes.” The gym teacher walked away, cursing them out under her breath.

Ryujin awkwardly smiled and nodded at Yeji, bending down to pick up the mess. Oh no, oh no, I have to talk to her, what is she going to say? Should I start the conversation? Why did I nod at her? Fuck, fuck fuck fuck.

Yeji squatted down too, helping her pick up the mess. The locker room slowly descended into silence. The door slammed behind the last few stragglers, and the only sound that Ryujin could hear was Yeji’s breathing as she put the last cup back on the stack. It sounded almost shaky, like Yeji was nervous for some reason. Does she think I’ll hurt her or something?

Ryujin stared down at her ugly gym sneakers, tracing the creases and rips in the old shoes with her eyes. Fuck algebra, schools should be teaching kids how to break the awkward silence between them and their ex-best friend that they haven’t talked to since they told them they’re a lesbian.

“Uh, I think I’m gonna go change.” Yeji’s words were almost whispered, so quiet that if Ryujin hadn’t been hyper-focused on the other girl’s every movement, she might not have even heard her.

Ryujin finally braved looking up, looking at a place just below Yeji’s eyes so she didn’t have to bear eye contact. “Okay,” she whispered back, the words coming out as shyly as Yeji’s had. Ryujin practically ran in the direction of her locker. She quickly scooped all of her clothes out of it, then turned around and promptly dropped all of them.

“How the hell did you get here so fast?” she squeaked. Yeji smiled, but it looked more like a smirk. “Our lockers are right next to each other, Jinnie,” she said.

Ryujin let out a tiny gasp, her body tensing against the cool metal of the lockers. Yeji’s eyes widened as she realized her mistake.

Ryujin’s mouth opened, and suddenly they were both talking, words spilling out of them like water out of a fountain.

“...I missed you, Ryujin.”

They both froze again, Ryujin with her mouth wide open.

“What?” She spoke softly, afraid to break the delicate connection re-forming.

Yeji’s eyes glistened. “I miss you.” A single tear traced a shimmering line down her face.

Ryujin’s hand went up before she could even think. “I’m right here, Yeji,” she murmured, wiping the tears off of Yeji’s face.

Her vision blurred, and she realized that she was crying too.

Yeji surged forward, sweeping her into a tight hug, and despite the sweat and tears and mysterious smells of the locker room, Ryujin never wanted to be anywhere else.

“I’ve been thinking,” Yeji admitted, her voice a soft rumble right next to Ryujin’s ear.

“About what?”

“I think… I might be like you.”

The butterflies in Ryujin’s stomach were lit on fire, surging into her throat and belly and heart, setting her ablaze from the inside.

“You think? What does that mean?”

Yeji squirmed a little, pulling back so she could meet Ryujin’s eyes.

“I don’t know for sure yet… I think I would need to actually experiment or something but-” she dropped Ryujin’s gaze, staring at the tops of her shoes instead. “I think I probably like girls.” She exhaled, her eyes widening in surprise. Relief passed across her face, and she looked up at Ryujin with a kind of shine in her eyes. “That felt really nice to say out loud.”

Ryujin giggled. “Yeah, I know what you mean.”

Yeji had a different kind of look in her eyes now. “Will you help me?”

Ryujin blinked at her. “Help… oh.” She followed Yeji’s gaze, watching as she blatantly eyed Ryujin’s lips.

“Will you help me, Jinnie?” Yeji leaned closer to Ryujin, almost caging her against the lockers.

Ryujin felt her soul leave her body. What the fuck.

Her first instinct was just to throw all of her worries out the window and throw herself at Yeji, but she knew that logically, that was an extremely shitty idea. What if Yeji didn’t actually like girls? What if Ryujin’s feelings got stronger, but Yeji didn’t want to date her? What if Yeji was just fucking with her for a prank or something?

But then Yeji looked at her with that pleading look on her face, and Ryujin realized she would probably have been on her knees on that gross tiled floor two minutes earlier if Yeji had pouted sooner.

“Okay,” she almost whispered. What the fuck did I just agree to?, she thought.

“So… what should we do?”

Ryujin snorted. “Not right now, dumbass, it’s disgusting in this dump. Let’s just change and leave, you can text me later.”

Yeji shrugged, blushing. “You’re the boss. I’ll do whatever you want me to, Jinnie.”

Ryujin didn’t think she’d ever experienced gay panic that strong before.

She grabbed her clothes and turned around, leaving Ryujin standing there with zero thoughts in her brain and fire in her stomach.

Then Yeji took her shirt off, and Ryujin’s brain melted into static.

“Wha-” Ryujin weakly protested, unable to pry her eyes away from the curve of the girl’s spine.

Yeji giggled, turning around. “We’re changing, silly, what did you expect?” She reached forward and tugged at the hem of Ryujin’s gym shirt. “Arms up.”

Ryujin’s arms went up on command, like she was a puppet and Yeji could pull all of her strings.

Once Ryujin’s shirt was off, Yeji stopped for a second and just stared, running her eyes over all of Ryujin’s curves like she was committing them to memory.

The thought sorta made Ryujin want to cry.

Yeji pulled her shorts down, exposing her pretty legs and thoroughly distracting Ryujin from her angsty thoughts. She looked up at Ryujin with dark eyes, her arms crossed in front of her body absentmindedly. She looked like an angel, her head framed with a halo of light, flowing from the windows behind her and making a feeling so sinful feel like something holy.

If Ryujin thought she was gone before, there was no going back now. She guided Yeji until her back hit the wall, hovering her lips over hers, pressing her body as close as she could get without going too far. “Can I kiss you?” Ryujin asked, not even caring to hide the desperation in her voice. “Please, yes,” Yeji said, already reaching for Ryujin’s face. It was uncomfortable at first, their heads twisting around until their lips slotted together just right, and Ryujin saw heaven. Then Yeji’s lips parted a little, and Ryujin saw hell.

Ryujin’s hands glided up Yeji’s waist, stopping just underneath her bra. Yeji whimpered just a little, hands tugging Ryujin’s hips forward, thumbs stroking the bare skin.

“We can’t,” Ryujin whispered. Yeji made puppy eyes, holding Ryujin even tighter. “Why not?” She dragged one of Ryujin’s hands closer to the clasp of her bra, teasing her with her eyes.

Ryujin gently pulled her hand away. She reached around to find Yeji’s shirt, tugging the material over the other girl’s head. “You still have my number, don’t you baby?” The tips of Yeji’s ears turned red. “Uh- yeah, yeah I do,” she stuttered.

“Text me later,” Ryujin dressed quickly, gathering her stuff up and heading to the door.

She tossed a wink at Yeji. “Talk to you soon, sweetheart.”

Ryujin walked at what she was pretty sure could be considered a normal pace, ignoring her shaking hands until she was safely far away from Yeji. “Homigooood, that was the most stressful experience I’ve ever had,” she sighed, shoving her face in her hands. “I might honestly combust the next time she touches me,” she mumbled to herself. “What even just happened?

<< next>>>

[horansqueen]

You & Me : chapter 40

A Niall Horan fanfiction ; rated MA

Sequel to AM CONVERSATIONS

CHAPTER 1 || CHAPTER 2 || CHAPTER 3 || CHAPTER 4 || CHAPTER 5 || CHAPTER 6 || CHAPTER 7 || CHAPTER 8 || CHAPTER 9 || CHAPTER 10 || CHAPTER 11 || CHAPTER 12 || CHAPTER 13 || CHAPTER 14 || CHAPTER 15 || CHAPTER 16 || CHAPTER 17 || CHAPTER 18 || CHAPTER 19 || CHAPTER 20 || CHAPTER 21 || CHAPTER 22 || CHAPTER 23 || CHAPTER 24 || CHAPTER 25 || CHAPTER 26 || CHAPTER 27 || CHAPTER 28 || CHAPTER 29 || CHAPTER 30 || CHAPTER 31 || CHAPTER 32 || CHAPTER 33 || CHAPTER 34|| CHAPTER 35 || CHAPTER 36 || CHAPTER 37 || CHAPTER 38 || CHAPTER 39

NOTES:

-one chapter is her pov, the next is his -4.3k -im sorry, i never proofread, i hate it. -there WILL be smut. but not only smut. -this is a romance, comedy, smut story. -for the summary, check my MASTERLIST.

READ AM CONVERSATIONS AGAIN ON WATTPAD HERE

- notes: i hope this isnt too much and that youre still enjoying this story! its almost over tho, so if you have any request please send them asap! I have a few more chapters planned but I could always add a few filler chapters if you guys send me ideas. so yea, thank you!

if you want to be on the list of blogs i notify when this is updated, just message me :)

requests! : here are the requests i used. im sorry about the Julia one, they couldnt have a very big and deep talk because it was Liv’s chapter but I still wanted to add her in because i really like her :) hope its okay!

TAKE A LOOK AT THE CHARACTERS HERE

Chapter 40 : Her chapter

OLIVIA

May 7th, 2018

It was quite late but we were both packing our things in silence. I had waited last minute to do it while Niall had to wait until he was back from his concert, which resulted in us doing it together. I missed going to see him play and sing and the thought made something stir in my stomach. I couldn't believe I stopped myself from going to see him do what he loved the most to do in the entire universe just because I was scared of what some losers could write in an online article. The more I thought about it, the more I found that completely ridiculous. I was about to mention something about it when I heard Niall talk, breaking the silence.

"Oh, I totally forgot to give you that." He leaned closer to me and handed me a small box that was wrapped in pretty pink paper. I frowned but took it in my hand anyway as he shrugged. "A fan told me to give it to you. Apparently, she was really sad when we broke up."

I stared at the small box on y hand and licked my lips. I knew most of it were just rumors, but I also knew that some people believe everything they'd read online. Still, this time, I couldn't blame them since it was the truth. I quickly unwrapped it and grabbed the note first, reading it out loud.

"We thought Niall was the biggest One Direction fan in the world, but we've seen you multiple times with random One Direction merch and we thought you may enjoy this."

I frowned more but when I saw the necklace, I let out a louder laughter. It made Niall frown too and I looked up at him with a smirk, bringing my hand closer to him. Around my fingers was hanging a necklace with his face on it. It seemed to be very old merch, probably from 2011, and I saw him grimace.

"No, Liv!" he whined as I put it around my neck and I chuckled again.

"Hey, it's a gift!" I argued. "Besides, I didn't have this one. I love it."

"You're such a pain." he joked, making me laugh this time.

I didn't see it coming but he literally jumped on me and I fell on the bed with a high scream. He pinned me down and started tickling me, holding both my wrists with one hands as the fingers of the other squeezed my waist, making my body jerk.

"Noooo! Niall stop!"

I squirmed, kicking him and hitting him without really knowing or controlling what I was doing. It took him a few seconds to stop and he stared down at me with a smirk as my lips were parted. I was panting low, not even able to enjoy his body on top of mine.

"Please, let me wear the necklace." I almost begged in a low voice.

His eyes roamed on me for about a minute and finally, the left corner of his lips raised up and he nodded once before moving closer to kiss me.

I had decided to follow him in Spain even if I had no idea when I'd have to fly back to California. We still had a few episodes to film but I was hoping Niall could come with me. He only had a few concerts left before he'd be off for a few weeks and even if he had to fly to the UK at the end of the month, I was thinking he could spend almost two weeks with me. I knew all we did was live in our luggage, going from airports to airports but at the same time, we were together and it's really all that mattered to me.

His lips moving slowly against mine made my heart twist in my chest. I loved him so much, I always would and I knew it. I was starting to trust him again, so much that the tiny ball of fear that seemed to live permanently in my stomach was now gone. I had decided that I wanted to live this plenty, to not hold grudges of fears that came from our past. I wanted to move forward and I knew that we had both changed for the better.

May 8th, 2018

We woke up early to catch our flight and I put my sunglasses on because I knew I looked exhausted. They were heart shaped but were black instead of my usual pink or purple ones for the simple reason I thought it would be less obvious to the people around that I had puffy and tired eyes. I didn't mean travelling if it meant being with Niall, but that didn't mean it was it wasn't sucking up all my juice.

I didn't expect the airport to be crowded but it was, and I moved my head down, trying not to catch anyone's attention. The fans started screaming, the paps started yelling at Niall to look their way, and when one of them moved too close to us, I felt my heart jump in my chest and without thinking, I grabbed Niall's hand. I realized my mistake and quickly let go of it only to feel his fingers tighten around mine. I could swear the flashes became even more intense right after and I glanced at Niall, licking my lips as I heard similar questions being yelled around us.

"Are you two back together?"

"Did you cheat on Dylan and Heidi together?"

"Are all the rumors true?"

We both held each other's hand tighter at the sound of all these questions being thrown at us and we kept walking as they followed us. I could feel my heart beat so hard in my chest that I felt like it was about to escape. I swallowed hard trying to relax a bit as I kept glancing at my boyfriend.

"Does that mean we're official?" Niall asked me, squeezing my fingers even more after he stopped walking, and moved closer to make sure I was the only one who heard.

I turned his way and licked my lips, trying to ignore the flashes and the sounds of the cameras. I was not used to that much attention, or at least, not as intense as it was being at that moment, but even if it was a bit intimidating, I was not scared.

"Do you want us to be?"

His gaze moved on my face as he studied me before sending me a fond smile. "Yes, I do."

I sent him a gentle smile that turned into a very big one. "We're official then."

"Fuck yes." he whispered, making me chuckle.

He pulled on my hand and we started walking again but as we were about to pass the gate, he quickly and roughly moved our hands up to show our intertwined fingers and it surprised me so much I felt my heart skip a few beats.

"FUCK YES!" he repeated in a yell, making me burst into laughter this time.

If I wasn't sure Niall loved me, I definitely was now. The fact that he literally told the world we were together proved much more than anyone could believe. I knew he was private, and so was I. I also knew he didn't like his private life to be in the spotlight, or talked about, or known, and him showing everyone, fans and paps included, that we were an item by throwing our hands up just showed me how committed he was. People would talk about us and the wrong things we did to Dylan and Heidi, people would definitely criticize us as individuals but also as a couple and I knew that for a while, people would stop talking about his music and my tv show only to blab shit about our love, but he thought it was still worth it and even if I was a bit surprised, it touched me more than I thought it would. And just like that, the blinded trust I had for Niall until he broke up with me was back, and I knew that this time, it would be different.

                                                          ---

We took a nap when we arrived at the hotel and when I woke up, it was the middle of the afternoon and Niall's arm was wrapped around me as he was laying on his stomach. I ran my fingertips on his arm and reached his back, making him groan slightly. He looked so good, his eyes closed, his bottom lip a bit over his upper one in a cute pout and his hair a bit messy. It made something come alive inside me and I realized that we went through so many things to get back pretty much where we used to be. The difference was us and the way we had grown, and I knew that what we lived when we were away from each other was needed to have the relationship we had at that very moment.

I tried not to wake him up and sat up slowly and gently in bed, rubbing my eyes and yawning before grabbing my phone. I knew he didn't want me to but I searched for his name and mine in google and a bunch of pictures from the airport appeared. My lips curled more at the picture of us walking away while Niall held our hands up together. I stared at it for a few minutes and pressed my lips together, feeling suddenly ecstatic and a bit dizzy. It was really happening. I was back with Niall and we were happy together. In all the months we were apart, I had wished for it, but I never thought it would really happen at some point.

"What are you looking at?" he mumbled low, taking me out of my thoughts. "You're smiling."

I turned to him and my excited smile turned into a fond one. His eyes were half-closed and his face was still pressed on the pillow. In fact, I was pretty sure he hadn't moved at all and looking at him made something stir in my stomach. There was nothing I loved more than waking up with him, except maybe falling asleep in his arms.

I tilted my head and let the left corner of my lips raise up before turning the screen his way. It took him a few seconds to let what he was seeing sink in and he smiled too.

"Oh look, that's us telling the world we're back together." he pointed out slowly and in a low tone, an amused smile curling his lips. "I'm sorry, I'm never that impulsive normally. But I've been waiting for that for a while." He paused and I felt his arm hold my waist tighter before he squirmed a bit and put his head on my lap. "It's okay though, because this is meant to last, so everyone may as well know now. What do ya say?"

I brought my hand to his head and ran my fingers in his hair gently, making his eyes flutter. "I agree." I whispered, making him smile more.

"We're gonna get married and have a few kids. And dogs, too. I love dogs."

This time, I chuckled and licked my lips. He had mentioned marriage a few times in the past weeks and I loved it. He used to be so scared of commitment and the future and now he was literally planning it for us.

"You know what we should do now?" he asked, making me shake my head. "Stay in bed all day. Order food, watch tv, and make out. Champagne and you. That sounds perfect."

I smiled widely. "Gotta celebrate the fact that we're official, now."

"Damn right."

After a few hours, we were done eating and the bottle of champagne was empty. We were still laying in bed but I had stopped following the movie and kept staring at the ceiling. What took me out of my thoughts, once again, was Niall's voice. I blinked a few times, trying to get back to my senses, and he raised his eyebrows at me.

"Mm?" I asked, making him laugh.

He stopped the movie quickly before grabbing the sheets of the bed, pulling them over our heads and once again locking us together in our safe place. I smiled at him and turned my body his way as he did the same. It was always a bit stifling to stay under the covers for a while but at the same time, it made me feel secure like nothing else did.

"How hard did that champagne hit?" he asked with a chuckle.

"Mm, i'm tipsy." I admitted, laughing too.

"Me too." he let out, his eyes roaming on my face. "You know I want to marry you for real, right? I want to promise to be yours forever. I want to literally show everyone that no one else will ever mean to me as much as you mean to me."

"I want it too. I want to be your wife. Niall I want it more than anything."

I felt my heart jump in my chest at my confession and we kept looking at each other for a few minutes in silence. He found my left hand and brought it up to his eyes level before running his thumb gently on my ring finger. I bit my bottom lip, trying to imagine what it would feel like to be his wife, and I swallowed hard, almost ashamed that I let my mind wonder so far.

"One day..." he just murmured before looking up in my eyes. "How many kids?"

"Five." I let out, making his eyebrows raise.

"Jesus Christ, do you want to kill me, woman?"

This time, I started laughing and he pulled me closer with a groan, letting his lips press against mine before pulling slightly away. I waited until he spoke again, my lips curling more and more with every passing seconds.

"You're not serious?" he just asked, making me laugh, this time.

"How many do you want?"

"Two, maybe three." he admitted before I kissed him again, sucking gently on his upper lip.

"Then two or three we'll have." I breathed out against his mouth as he held me closer.

"And we'll live in London, and keep a house in Cali, how's that?" he proposed in a murmur. "I'll bring you to Las Vegas to get married. We'll have the best honeymoon because I'll make you cum twenty times a day for a whole week."

I started laughing against his mouth and he smirked. "Where are we going for that?"

"Bali?" he suggested.

"Mm, don't tempt me." I joked as he laughed again, deepening the kiss and making me close my eyes. "What's on your mind, Horan?" I asked lower and more seriously.

"Well, how about we practice making those two-three kids now?" he offered, making me chuckle. "I really want to make love to my official girlfriend and future wife."

"Hey, I didn't say yes just yet." I joked as his lips traveled on my jaw and neck.

"But you will yea? You just accepted to be my official girlfriend so it's a good start. You'll be my wife and marry me?"

"If you want to spend your life with me, how can I say no to that?"

"That's what I thought." he just said, giving himself a swing and making me laugh even more as he got on top of me.

I spread my legs a bit as he nibbled on the skin of my neck and I groaned when I felt his hard dick press on my inner thighs. I was tired and still a bit tipsy but the way he whispered, the sound of his voice, the feeling of his body on top of mine... all of this was too good and I felt like I never had enough of him. Even after all this time, I wanted him as much as I used to, even more, probably, and the way he was all over me made me think he felt the same.

"I want to bury my cock so deep inside you right now." he whispered, bringing his mouth back on mine. "You're so fucking beautiful. I love you so much, Olivia. You made me so happy today."

I reached for his boxers and pulled them down as much as I could, his words making my heart twist and jump in my chest. I didn't think Niall could love me as much as he seemed to, I didn't know he could want to be with me to the point where he would literally hold my hand and show everyone that we were together in a crowded airport. I had no idea he was waiting for this, I didn't know that it would make him react like that to be my official boyfriend. All of this made sense, of course, but it was just hitting me that Niall really loved me as much as I loved him and that he didn't want to lose me again.

"Please Niall, just do it." I begged him in a murmur, reaching between my legs and pulling my panties aside before grabbing his cock and lining it up.

His hip movement was slow and as he pushed himself inside me, I felt my eyes roll back and a moan escaped my lips. I moved my knees up as he lied on top of me, holding himself on his elbows as he started thrusting in and out of me slowly. It felt like torture but at the same time it was so good I moved my chin up, feeling his lips leave kisses on it.

"I love you, can't believe you're my girlfriend again." he whispered, his lips brushing against my skin.

"I was always yours, Niall. I've always been yours. Since I was 6 years old. I knew I belonged to you." I replied just as low and without thinking. "I was just scared you didn't belong to me"

He pushed himself deeper inside me and it felt so good I let out an other whimper. He remained still, waiting for my eyes to open again and meet his, and I felt one of his hands slip in my hair while the other moved a lock out of my eyes.

"I belong to you." he confessed, making a shiver run across my back. "All this soulmate shit? I believe in it now. I have to."

I bit my bottom lip, making him glance at my mouth before looking back in my eyes.

"I love you. I fucking love you." I had barely finished my sentence that he was pressing his mouth against mine again, this time fucking me harder and faster.

My back arched after a few minutes and I moaned in his mouth this time, right before his thrusts became unsteady and a bit sloppy. The orgasm felt amazing and I gripped his arms as I felt his muscles tighten. I pressed my thighs on each sides of him, pushing myself against him in motion with him as he came. Nothing felt better than that post orgasm feeling with Niall on top of me. His lips found mine and he kissed me slowly but deeply for a while until we both got down of our highs and even a little bit after.

"I'm so happy you followed me here." he admitted with a smile as I tilted my head on the pillow.

"Me too." I licked my lips and raised my eyebrows. "Are you gonna follow me back to Cali in a few days?"

"Nothing will stop me from going with you. Nothing."

He rolled off of me and I pushed the covers to breathe fresh air, just realizing that I needed it. Niall grabbed my hand and I focused back on him as he stared at my fingers, making me try to suppress the smile stuck on my lips.

"Please come to my show tomorrow." he just let out, his fingers brushing gently against mine, exactly where a wedding ring would be. "We're officially together now, so we don't care who sees you or what they see."

My heart skipped a beat and I licked my lips nervously. It would be a good start but it stressed me to think that people would start judging us even more, now that we were official. I knew Niall was not going to start kissing me or anything in public but I still felt nervous.

"Okay." I let out low feeling myself tear up. I swallowed my tears but I could see my boyfriend getting emotional too and I sniffed. "I love you Niall. I don't ever want to be away from you anymore."

He brought one of his hands to my cheek and I felt the warmth of his skin against mine as he moved closer to lean his forehead against mine.

"I'm never leaving again. I promise on my life. I'm here to stay. What we have will never die, okay?"

I nodded quickly and bit my bottom lip as I felt a tear run down my cheek. I could swear he was tearing up too and I pressed my parted lips against his. "Okay."

May 9th, 2018

I hadn't realize how much I had missed watching Niall sing and play. He was always the kid who was singing, dancing, or playing guitar when we were younger, and it always brought a bunch of people around him. He seemed so untouchable, even for me, who was his best friend. Now, with the literal crowds and album selling, it was even more obvious, but a lot less scary. The fact that I knew he loved me definitely helped but watching him do what he's always loved but this time, as a living, was just breathtaking. He was breathtaking.

I chuckled when he winked at me subtly and I rolled my eyes with a smile until I felt a hand on my arm. I jumped slightly and turned again to look at Julia who was smiling widely at me. I thought I knew what she was going to say but instead, she pulled me close into a tight hug. It took me a few seconds to answer it but when I did, she jumped a few times, bringing me with her, and finally pulled away.

"I saw the video!" she said happily, her lips curled into a bit grin.

"The video?"

"Of you two at the airport!"

I felt my cheeks turn a soft shade of red as they burned a bit and cleared my throat, looking away. I knew there were pictures but I was not aware someone was filming. Come to think about it, it was not surprising, after all. I felt two strong arms wrap around my neck from behind and I smiled immediately, recognizing the touch and the perfume. It was crazy how he still affected my moods but I could also see that I influenced his, and that made our relationship so much better.

"Niall!" he let go of me to hug Julia and I smiled, taking a step away. "I'm so happy for you! I knew it would happen! I told you you had to keep hope!"

Niall's eyes found mine and his smile faltered as his embrace around his friend loosened.

"I sort of... confided in Julia." he admitted, licking his lips as mine parted. "I know you wanted me to keep the secret, but I didn't know what to do, and I felt like shit... I needed to talk to someone."

He looked at me with fear in his eyes, as if I was going to turn on my heels and leave, but I just tilted my head on the side while staring at him.

"Hey, I understand. She's one of your closest friends." I pointed out with a shrug before sending him a smile. "I talk to Louis about almost everything." I shrugged again. "Besides, I like her."

Julia smiled more and grabbed my arm, pulling me closer to them to hug both of us at the same time. I laughed and after a few seconds, she pulled away and smiled again.

"I'll wait for you guys backstage. We're going to celebrate right?" she asked as Niall and I glanced at each other, a bit unsure. "It's one of my last shows! We have to go grab a drink together!"

"Sure, we'll do that."

She left with a big grin and I turned to Niall who was smiling fondly at me. I frowned, my lips still curled, but I had to admit that the way he was looking at me made something twitch in my stomach.

"Thank you." he whispered, bending down to kiss the top of my head.

"For?"

"For wanting to get to know my friends. I know you get along great with all our childhood friends, and my cousins and all, but I've made great friends while doing this job, and you never really seemed to be interested in befriending them too, well, except for Harry, Louis and Liam.”

I shrugged a shoulder and looked away before looking back at him and raising my nose in a small grimace. "You used to hang out with many celebrities, especially when you were dating Heidi. I don't know, Niall, to me, it's a bit intimidating." I admitted. "I never felt like I fitted with them, or belonged with those famous faces. It's just weird to me."

"I'd love to present them to you. I promise they're great."

I stared at him and after a while, my lips curled again. "Sure, I'd love to meet them." I just gave in and by seeing the smile on his face, I knew it made him happy. "Let's start with Julia. I already know I love her."

Niall laughed and cupped my face, tilting my chin up before reaching for my mouth with his. "And I know I love you."

[justalitlecreacher]

I’m here to prove that Andrew Garfield’s portrayal of Spider-man/peter parker in The Amazing Spider-Man is objectively the best love action adaptation of the character. In this essay I will....(yes this is really happening)

Edit: 10/20/20- i want to indulge myself in spiderman content but finding non mcu spiderman content is exhausting so imma update this instead

TL;DR

Andrew Garfield is my favorite of the 3 Spider-Man actors. TAS’s Peter is more fun and dynamic than the cookie cutter “shy introverted nerd that has a crush on a girl who’s way out of his league” Peter in Tobey Maguire’s movies. I enjoy Tom Holland’s portrayal of the character, but hate the way Disney has written the movies.  I enjoy the characters, plot, and humor of The Amazing Spider-Man far more than the other 2, and i deeply wish we had gotten the third movie with the canon BIder-Man of Andrew’s (and my) dreams.

[DISCLAIMER: I HAVE NOT SEEN THE AMAZING SPIDERMAN 2 OR ANY MCU SPIDERMAN MOVIES OUTSIDE OF CLIPS AND REVIEWS ITS ALSO BEEN A VERY HOT MINUTE SINCE IVE SEEN A TOBEY MAGUIRE MOVIE]

Characterization

  Most arguments against Andrew Garfield’s Spidey( AG’s from now on) begin and ends with “he was a good Spider-Man but a bad Peter Parker”. This references an outdated post comparing all three Spidey actors.(Id attach the image here but i dont want the post to be too long(thats a lie this is so long what am i doing with my life)) The post also claims that Tobey played a good Peter and a poor Spidey; and that Tom is good at both “roles”.(Honestly I think it seems silly that this seems obey the “third time’s the charm” rule but thats just me).  Most people using this seem to be Tobey stans who have forgotten or ignored the rest of the post funnily enough, but the ones that go further into the WHY AG is a poor Peter are also incorrect. This argument also ignores the idea that there can be more than one version of Peter Parker which is blatantly incorrect.  Just look at Into the Spiderverse or the PS4 game; these provide 4(5 if you count the pig) versions of Peter themselves, and that doesnt even include the comics. 

 Arguments that go further in depth claim that the AS Peter is too cool or well liked by his peer to be a “true” Peter Parker. The evidence for this seems to be that Peter has a skateboard.(which what? didnt realize that having a skateboard would instantly make you cool brb guys). Adding to that i dont really see where people get the idea that Peter is popular or well liked. While looking for complaints i found this qutoe from reddit(theyve since deleted it looks like but i’ll add a link in the notes) “He's angsty, pretty socially awkward, has an aptitude for science, and is kind of an outsider. He gets bullied by Flash and he gets his ass kicked after trying to stand up to Flash. He isn't a "cool" person in any way (until the ending, in which he's best buds with Flash, so I'll give you that). While Maguire is more accurate to the 60s comics where Peter in high school is just a fucking loser with basically no friends, in the ultimate comics, Peter is more of the kid who has a small amount of friends, but isn't popular.”. Honesty i fully agree with this because once again, other versions of a character are allowed to exist. You can dislike one version, but its silly to dislike something for not being exactly like another thing.

Ive also heard that Peter isnt “nerdy enough” in this movie which really doesnt make any sense considering the entire plot happens because Peter was looking into some of his parents’ research. If he wasn't interested in looking further into his father’s work what reason would he have to go to Oscorp where he’s bitten by the spider? Why would he have become Dr. Conner’s assistant? If he wasn’t intelligent how did he develop the web shooters?(something that Tobey!Peter doesn't have to do out of plot convenience might i add).  

 Another complaint i see is that the quips he uses in the movie(the first one specifically it seems) makes him seem like an asshole. Honestly thats a fair complaint, but i think its a good bit of characterization; espcially if he does get better about it in the second movie like the internet suggests.The Peter in this movie is a rightfully angsty teen; of course he acts a bit of an ass to criminals(also i feel like its important to mention that he’s like that to criminals? its not like hes being a dick for no reason).

  Compare this with the Tobey Maguire(TM) movies. Like i said i haven’t seen these in awhile but as far as i’m aware TM’s Peter doesn't really do anything particularly nerdy in the film? I may have forgotten something( ok in the scene before he gets bitten he knows a cool spider fact) but he doesn’t have to invent the web-shooters because they came with his powers and he’s only at Oscorp in the first place because it’s a school field trip that he appears to be taking photos for. This Peter does fit the definition of outcast(friendless and bullied for it), but honestly i just dont like him. He’s weird and something about the character makes me feel like i should be a little grossed out every time he looks at MJ at the beginning of the movie.  

   I honestly don’t have any complaints for Tom Holland’s(TH’s)Spidey. Tom is a great actor and from what ive seen i enjoy his portrayal of the character.( He made me cry when i character i actively dislike died).  

Story

  I cant really say much for TAS story. It’s interesting but nothing special really. However, there is one scene that i don’t think i’ve seen anything like since( the closest would probably be the train scene in the original trilogy). 

 The crane scene. Early in the film Peter saves a boy from a car that has fallen off of a bridge, and at the end of the movie this becomes relevant again when it is uncertain that Peter will be able to get to the lizard to stop him in time.(as Peter is already injured and pretty far from the lizard’s location). The boy’s father is then revealed to be a construction worker who recognizes that Spider-man is going to need help to get to the lizard; he remembers how Spider-Man saved his son and organizes the rest of the construction workers to build a path out of crane arms for SM to swing from. All of them are putting themselves in danger by not evacuating, but SM’s actions in the first act of the film motivate them to do what’s right. 

  I love this scene primarily because it highlights something that i think is a really important part of Spider-Man’s character; his connection to the people he saves. SM is often shown interacting with and chatting with the people he has saved after the fact. One comic shows Peter accidentally scaring some bullies and then taking the time to ride the bus to school with them to continue their conversation and educate the students on bullying.( There’s definitely more but this is off the top of my head).

  Another scene in TAS that i love is shortly before the crane scene when Peter is originally attempting to make his way across the city to stop the lizard, and he is shot down by the police. They manage to unmask him before Peter comes to his senses( he had just been shot and fallen pretty far out of the sky in his defense). From there Peter is able to deal with the police while keeping any of them from getting a good look at his face. The one cop he cant take out happens to be Gwen Stacey’s father who had previously had an argument with Peter about Spider-Man(Peter obviously on SM’s side and Mr. Stacey against SM). Peter turns and allows Captain(?) Stacey to see his face. I believe that this is an example of an unwilling identity reveal done right. i really enjoyed this moment because Peter had just shown that he likely could have gotten out of this encounter with his identity in tact as he had just taken down however many men. This implies that it was an active choice on Peter’s end to trust that Captain Stacey would ultimately do the right thing and allow Peter to go fight the Lizard, rather than a final desperate attempt to get away unscathed. Whether or not this interpretation of the scene is correct or not it still gives the character a bit more agency than some versions have done with their identity reveals.

  In Spider-Man 2 Peter starts to lose his powers because he’s having internal conflict about wether or not he should be Spider-Man. Honestly thats kinda neat and i might want to give that a rewatch. As for the one i have seen i don’t have any complaints. I do however prefer the way that Peter was bitten in TAS because it was a result of him poking around where he shouldn’t’ve been rather than him just happening to be standing in the right place for a spider to land on him. 

  Onto TH’s movies; the way Disney has treated Spidey in the MCU is why TH’s is my least favorite version of the character. I feel like too much of the story revolves around Iron Man; Iron Man made Peter’s suit and equipment, Iron Man introduces Peter to the MCU(via blackmail but thats another rant for another annoyingly long post), its Iron Man that “makes” Spidey in this universe rather than Spidey being self-made. In Homecoming(which remember i havent seen outside of clips so bear with me) most of the conflict is cause directly or indirectly by Tony’s refusal or inabilty to communicate with the teenager he’s meant to be mentoring

 For one the entire incident with the ferry could have very easily been avoided had Tony bothered to communicate with Peter enough to tell him that the situation was being taken care of. On top of that at the moive’s climax Peter is shown trying to get in contact with Happy(from what ive picked up isnt he a chauffeur? like idk his deal i just know he’s someone Peter got pawned off onto after Civil War). Peter even goes as far as to somehow hack into Happy’s phone(i think thats what happened it was a weird tech thing that shouldve been a red flag that the call was important though) but instead of listening; Peter is ignored. If this was a different kind of movie Peter literally could have died and itd be the fault of Happy and Tony like..... A large portion of conflict comes from characters being incompetent and not communicating and thats just poor storytelling.

Before this turns too much into an anti mcu rant id also like to say that the way they did Civil War was really dumb considering that Peter defects to Cap’s side in the comics, but whatever.

 Also i loathe the way they handled the identity reveal at the end of Far From Home. With MCU movies most people know to expect an end credits scene by now, but typically that scene is not important to understand what’s happening in the films; they just aren’t important. Putting an identity reveal here makes it seem significantly less important than it is. On top of that i dislike their use of J Jonah Jameson for this scene.

  JJJ is a character who has been repeatedly shown to have a genuinely good heart. All of his anger comes from a place of love for his city(he even says this hemself in the ps4 game when May writes in to tell him that he needs help). He hates Spider-Man because SM reminds him of the masked man who killed his wife; JJJ has never been able to get past that( and Peter’s antagonism of him definitely doesnt help) However, JJJ has been shown to care for people; he has a son who he often brags about, and one comic shows that JJJ is paying Peter for “amateur” quality photos because he knows that Peter is having a hard time and “just need some help”. JJJ has even learned Peter’s identity before and kept his secret for him(seriously though i cant remember the name of the comic but its defiantly worth the read), and in the original trilogy when Goblin threatens JJJ he claims that he doesn’t know who sends in the photos of Spidey because he does it via email( this is a lie). The MCU will have a very difficult time convincing me that JJJ would ever out a teenager’s identity and put him in danger like that. It goes too far against his character.(this could be hypocritical of me to say considering how i just insisted that multiple versions of a character can exist but whatever ¯\_(ツ)_/¯) 

This is accidentally turning into an MCU rant but id also like to say that i hate the lack of a TH!Spidey origin movie because it gives you no motivaion for Peter becoming SM or explanation of his powers; most people will know these things but if youre unfamiliar with the character its bound to be confusing(and im a sucker for origin movies)

[aceeddiekaspbrak]

Jumble of thoughts from my notes from ~nov/dec 2017

Contains canon typical references to teen sexuality, homophobia, and violence

so if we go off the idea that, for the bowers gang, everything that happened when they were twelve, with the junkyard and all, actually still happened that way but in 1985, how does that all turn out with out pat /dying/ in the end, and they live on to reach 1989?

Patrick’s able to clean out his fridge and comes back with his rags and all and really scrubs it, and stays away from it for a while. Can’t risk being caught breaking anymore rules especially when some kid like Henry can find out. But how henry found out keeps nagging at him, and he’s trying to stay away from Henry, too–so he doesn’t scare and go telling–, but it's harder because he needs to find out how he messed up and got caught in the first place so he doesn’t do it again.

(maybe he thinks about asking him, and then asking if he wants to see the freezer, since he seems like he might be into that shit, just to shove Henry in it and see how long he lasts. The fantasy keeps him occupied from asking for sometime)

When he finally goes to ask Henry when he’s alone, maybe winter that year, hoping six months is enough for Henry to get over himself. He hasn’t and just opens with, “What do you want ya’ fuckin’ pansy.”

Patrick knows he wouldn’t tell anybody directly, because then it would get back to why Henry had let him. And he probably wouldn't get anything out of pounding him either. Patrick wouldn’t mind if he did it anyways. So Patrick just asks him straight out how he knew. Henry would probably just do the douche bag ‘’wouldn’t you like to know‘’ thing twelve year olds do so well and leave.

There'd be some cold tension for a while. Patrick would probably start trying to play on Henrys good side, just to find out. But he asks maybe every few days at some point, Henry snaps and tells him if he keeps nagging him like some bitch he’s gonna beat him like he’s askin’ for. Pat says he wouldn’t mind. But he found out a rule, and asks just maybe once a month, and then eventually less and less.

Henry never tells him.

Maybe one time, last time Patrick asks him, its “did you see it? look in it?” 

Henry just thinks he’s fishing for how he knew again and starts to open his mouth to threaten, fist raising, when Patrick cuts in with: "Do you wanna see it?" in a way thats just a bit more concerning than usual for him.

Henry is curious because of that and his response is largely "I swear to god Hockstetter if this is some sort of faggy come on," and its maybe a year after the junkyard, and Pat hasn't experimented since, keeping true to staying away, but he has checked up on it frequently walking around town, to make sure its hinges are still intact and hasn’t been scrapped. he's thinking hes got to move it, soon, but no way pudgy little Hockstetters gonna be able to do that by himself. And it’s not that Henrys finding out stops bothering Patrick, but after awhile they might actually be the closest thing Patrick can recognize as friends. That's not exactly right, but the closest he’ll ever come to it. And eventually, Henry comes along to the fridge.

He doesn't get it. It doesn't do anything for him, not like it does Patrick, not even close on any front. But it’s not like he cares about Pat killin’ animals it doesn’t even really matter to him, and when he opens the door and it try’s to make a slow, breathless run for it, he’ll even help Patrick drag it back.

Now the fun in that he gets. They end up hunting together, maybe two years after the junkyard when Henry is 14, still small animals, when Vic and Belch have their fuckin jobs or some shit, and Henrys just wanting to get some anger out, since w/o pennywises influence, i dont think hed get to cutting letters into people just yet. Patricks not as much as into the chase with the animals they’re getting, usually just rabbits, birds, stray cats now, since Henry can’t go around as quietly as Patrick had with his box. Patrick however, really likes seeing them struggle in Henry's arms, before they shove them into crates to take to the fridge. The first time he sees Henry kill something, with his bare hands, he wrung some game birds neck just like it was nothing, he wasn’t expecting it and it wasn’t the plan and he brought his box all the way out here for it but he didn’t mind even though he broke his schedule. They just caught another, small rabbit to make up for it but it barely mattered he was so hard and Henry barely mentioned it and the memory got him hard for months. A long time after this has been going on, probably in lateish 1988, after a more exhausting and exhilarating hunt than expected, Henry lets Patrick do something about his arousal for the first time in earnest. He still punches him after, but Patrick doesn’t mind and Henry lets him get off to the blood too. They don’t bring it up, but it happens again a few months later, and it becomes an unspoken part of Patricks schedule.

This facilitates the relationship we see in the film, the two having more chemistry doing fucked up shit together. And eventually, when they reach a  better understanding what the consequences might be if they're found out–despite Derry being as weird as it is and Butch being a cop–they move the fridge into the neibolt house. They probably have to get at least Belch to help (he hopes they are gonna be hanging out there now, instead of the junkyard and shit, but the place is way creeper and he nopes out real quick, but not after his mostly joking question of stashing beer in the house fridge was shot down way to quickly and harshly to not be questionable. But he doesn't ask. Doesn't want to know.). Its only there for a little over a year before the events of the film, but they do hang out there. things seem to die quicker, though, and their escapes a deterred by being in the house, and Henry gets a little less out of that. There is something about the confusion though, that they cant just run straight out that is interesting. With kids missing and curfews being enforced its harder and harder to go out there, with animals, without drawing suspicion (real, or from their paranoid selves). So it doesnt truly get used much, So Ben Hanscom coming along when he did was a great outlet for the two.

>how does Henry know? maybe here it has something to do with his dad being a cop, or maybe when pat started hangin around him more Henry follows him, just to see what makes this freak tick, since hes so hard to read and has a reputation around school. 

[[1988henry worries sometimes that hes in love with patrick. Hes not. Hes pretty sure he /knows/ that too, but still, he worries. He knows hockstetter isnt with him, doesnt even think he (knows how to be?) can be in love, and maybe thats the part that worries him, that hes letting this kid who doesnt care touch him, use him, only because henry wants it himself]]

**AU where they dont die, pennywise doesn’t use henry to chase the losers, they escalate. Probably by 1991, Henrys friends are all moving on, except for Patrick, and hes left with his bastard of a father and the rage at everything and himself is an all time high. There’s some real small thing by a bus terminal during a layover, and they grab her and she fits right in, and nobody notices she’s missing for a real long time.