#is this trauma dumping? idk if it qualifies as trauma dumping

[i-am-church-the-cat]

church what beef do you have with tennessee’s coach

Okay so what i'm about to say does not leave this website agreed? cool

so let's say that hypothetically, there's this guy that was the head coach of a football team. one of the guys coaching under him was a college football player, a professional football player, and was now trying out coaching but it wasn't going the best. now this guy - let's call him CD, for no particular reason - has a wife and four kids, so he and his wife decide that they're only going to do this coaching thing for three years from 2017-2020 to see if it'll work. CD starts working for this head coach - let's call him JH, again, for no particular reason - in 2018, right?

for the first couple of seasons, it's going cool. CD loves it here, CD's family (🙋🏽) loves it there, and the team isn't doing that badly. but, they're not doing that great 2019 season, and THEN, a pandemic hits

now let me tell you a bit about American football schedules, if you don't already know. games are played from late august to november, with preseason games in july/early august and postseason in december. conditioning happens during the summer so recruiting and all preseason planning happens in the march-april gap. most of the time, football teams have their coaching staff in place by february at the latest

why is this important? well, at the end of the 2020 season, JH and the team management are no longer meshing and there's talks about him leaving. his entire staff, including CD, is like "hey, if you're leaving let us know so we can start looking for new jobs". JH is like "ofc nbd will do"

well post-season ends and there's no news. the dawn of 2021 comes and there's no news. january AND february pass, and there's no news

huh, that's so weird, i wonder what's happening-

*ESPN BREAKING NEWS ALERT* [redacted] University's head coach, JH, has signed with the Tennessee Volunteers!

hypothetically, let's say that your boss avoids and lies to you for MONTHS, puts your job security, your family's financial security, and the security of all of your coworkers' at risk, and then you find out from a ESPN. not even from the man himself but E. S. P. N.

would you be upset? maybe just a little?

and then after that, let's say JH now gets to choose whoever he wants to come with him to Tennessee. what if he then, took only half of the organization (the offensive half cause go figure, he was an offensive coach) and left the other half (the defensive half, aka the half CD works on) to fend for themselves

and then, what if you, watching this all happen to your father, now have to pack up and move in the middle of a GLOBAL PANDEMIC bc your dad had to go back to the job he got his degree for bc it was more financially stable? would you be upset? would you blame someone for that happening maybe?

also he took Mackenzie Milton from me and I will never forgive him. so yeah, that's my beef with the Tennessee head coach

[chaoticbuggybitchboy]

The fact this is 2 truths and one lie has been v worried abt you /lh. Unfortunately I am not really better

Elaboration of 1: when I was younger I had the OCD thing of “if I do X thing, this person will be seriously injured” and, because the person was awful, would specifically do X thing in the hopes of bad things happening.

I made this tricky <3

@son-solo-palabrass @james-the-idiot @booklover1413 @oddvanilla and anyone else idk /nf/lh

@eddieisashifter @romanoffshifting @realitycanbewhateveridesire @themanirealityshifter @urrockstar-xe @oliver-shifts @olivesrealities @piss-pumpkin @olishifts @aftergclw @alecrealityshifting @shiftingwithleah @sc0rpi0skies @scriptershifter @stargazineyes @faeriemarie @hiya-itsamber @gaiaexploreslife @herashifts @julie-schwieters-supremacy @lovingxe @zipperrants @shiftingwithalexismarie @shiftingwithadam @shiftingwithmars @xstrawberryshiftsx @xandershifts @vivian-shiftss @vividdreamsrock @moonyshifter @florashifting

feel free to follow up with your own! if you rb this post or tag me in your poll i'll answer yours

@antlerdeer you can't vote sorry you already know the lie

[intertexts]

OK HI. HELLO ROS <3 standing in ur doorway like this 🧍 listen i will read worm eventually i just have so much HAPPENING. ALL THE TIME RIGHT NOW. AND DONT HAVE THE TIME. and also jrwi has me in a chokehold u know how it b. ANYWAY. i need u 2 tell me as much about new haven wards as u can without like major insane spoilers for worm. little spoilers r ok. i watch/read everything with a few lil spoilers 2 look forward to anyway <3 i know nothing abt the universe of worm (<<has barely made a sizeable dent in it but god i will i prommy) but i wanna know what exactly nhw is about. how does the universe work. how do the powers work. what is the situation with the nhw how and why are they working together where did they all come from!! gimme the nhw lore!!! as much as u can!!!!! looking at u with the biggest saddest wettest eyes rn pls pls pls infodump abt nhw 2 me!!!!!!!! ros pls 🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺

HIII HI HI WHISKEY <333 UR INSANE FOR ASKING THIS. BTW. literally insane. grabbing u so hard by the shoulders there is a crazed look in my eye. anyway. FIRST i am tagging @stuck-in-the-ghost-zone here also!!!!!! bc it is his au as much as mine & i am NOT qualified 2 talk abt nhw mark n such. augh.

ok. ok. ok. new haven wards. putting the cut here.

so the basic movement of worm is that powers are from trauma. ridiculously simplified, but that's the base of it-- if you have superpowers, you have them because you went through traumatic events so severe to you specifically that it broke ur brain a little bit. the powers manifest in some way as a reaction to the traumatic scenario. (it is also more complicated than this. playing the spoiler card.) OR secret second option u put urself into indefinite debt to an extremely shadowy and ominous.... organization? person? shadow government branch? conspiracy? and get superpowers in a can, with like, a 10% chance they'll backfire and mutate u into some fucking terrible inhuman shit and then they'll completely memory wipe you and brand you and dump you off somewhere. not really relevant here. because the main way of getting superpowers is to be violently traumatized, cape society in worm tends to be grittier, more violent. there's more villains, the heroes are less shiny marvel or dc and more making whatever moral compromises they need to get the best outcome possible. at one point one of the main heroes in the city worm takes place in tells the sixteen-year-old protagonist "i don't care, there's a kill order out on them, just put a bullet in her brain if you see her, it's fine" and then a while later goes "yeah i'd vote for a kill order out on you guys too," directly to her face. worm is always going "hey, wouldn't it fucking suck if superheroes were real?". there are many horrifying and inhuman and violent threats. sexual and racial and physical violence aren't swept under the rug. these seventeen year olds are sent to crime scenes where flayed and gutted corpses are suspended from the ceilings because they're heroes! ^_^ but this aint about worm this is about the new haven wards!!!!! [wards are the child soldiers junior hero branch of the main syndicated/unionized hero organization, w/ placement in every major city alongside regional protectorate headquarters]

>key things for this au:

--william wisp changed his last name to bell when he moved to new haven (where his brother david lives :) and joined the wards, for another layer of anonymity ^_^ (he is. severely paranoid about his identity & privacy. <- also a Big and Heavy thing in worm/parahumans world. it's a Big Fucking Deal to unmask a cape regardless of their alignment)

-dakota never got the mechanical heart & biomedical augumentation so didn't meet mato cole at that time! he's still dakota damascus :]

-virion... idk why he's still virion & not vyncent actually. probably just because that was the name his parents gave him? we can't change it now though nhw virion & canon vyncent r two different guys to me...

-ashe is the unluckiest fucking guy in the world!!!

their powers are a little different from canon both bc of the ways powers work just being different frm how they do in pd & also because of the "they're always a reflection of the worst moment of ur life that you're just dragging around with you reminding you of it" thing. <333

wibby / whisperer is a breaker/shaker (<- power classifications meaning he has another form he shifts into, and also an area of effect] in his breaker form (crackling white-blue energy) he 1) can control how corporeal he is, or *how* corporeal he is, from "walks into the brick wall" to "doesnt notice there's a brick wall and goes straight through it", to "goes incorporeal to stick his hand in a guy's chest then resolidifies to instakill him" w/ some tradeoffs. & 2) shape/control energy manifestations in a fairly wide radius around him, where the power of the shaped energy is in proportion to the amount of recent death in the area-- if there's a ton of casualties in the area, he can do a lot more than he could in a peaceful small town in the middle of nowhere. the situation with his trigger event was him. growing up socially isolated and half convinced he was going crazy and everyone else Also thought he was fucking insane (deadwood is still haunted!! more haunted :]) for years & years + the loneliness + frustration + unsureness if he's actually the one just. losing it or if it's all really real + the constant feeling of being in danger, that the town is bad and malicious and out to Get you. anyway. he fell, take that as ambiguously as u do for that in canon, didn't die, but was severely injured & couldn't move. just laid there for maybe a day or so in the woods that wanted to kill him. anyway he triggered when he was found! the catalyst was not "the place that's been out to get me my entire life finally succeeded" but the helpless incandescent frustration of "actually nothing i ever do is going to make you understand. i've been trying for so fucking long to make you See It but you won't!!! you never will and you just think i'm crazy or stupid or making it up for attention even though it has such obvious fucking consequences and is manifestly Real!!" he was recruited to the wards by miss g herself, who was like hahahhahaa this kid could be a Really Fucking Big Problem if he doesn't have an eye on him!! ^_^ he never wanted to be a hero, and still doesn't, really, but he's terrified of accidentally hurting people & deadwood is like a weight around his neck and maybe things will be better if he just gets out of here. for a while they're not, of course. he just feels like. y'know. he's another sick thing that crawled out of deadwood, and his powers make that obvious. the way they interact with recently dead shit makes him sick!! living with david is awful-- a big, lovely, lonely high rise apartment, an older brother who barely bothers to speak to him, calls to their mom through the walls going "why is he here? why would you send him here? can he like, go anywhere else?"

virion sol / imprint is a trump (meaning his powers interact With other capes powers.) he can copy powers by touching other parahumans-- the copied power is just as strong as the original, whatever the original is, but he doesn't have an innate sense of how to use it; he can easily be overwhelmed or overstimulated by powers that involve a ton of sensory input, or accidentally loose cannon something he wasn't expecting and can't easily control. regardless, this is a fucking insane power to have. it's so cracked. like within the parahumans-- world, this is something so rare, especially being able to copy the full strength of the power. the very few examples in canon of something similar, the copied power is always inferior. his situation was similar to canon-- the greats were a team of independent heroes, & were like, extended family to virion. he grew up unpowered, but in the cape world-- so many aunts and uncles teaching him security, standard protocols, how to fight capes, how to run cape business and independent team business, how to handle guns and tasers and safely run background checks. y'know. a family's worth of professional knowledge. he never really wanted to be a cape, anyway, he was more than happy to do all the unpowered stuff at home that needed to be done. occasionally he came with them on patrol n stuff or snuck out to watch them. the greats' long term goal was prying out the lich, an extremely heavyweight warlord who had control over most of the city. virion's father struck a deal with the lich-- virion knows as little what the deal was For as he does in canon, but he double crossed the entire team. virion snuck along to the confrontation with the lich (setup) & watched his father turn & murder all of them. still not sure if he did it all himself or just watched as the lich's minions did it, but the way they knew all their weaknesses, how efficient and brutal and unexpected it was-- it was his dad feeding the information. virion stays frozen in shock and horror & hidden during all of this. can't do anything to help. is fucking useless, despite all he knows and has done. for the first time in his life, he wished he had powers, that ram and min and everyone could have taught him how to have and use their powers like they taught him everything else. he triggered watching it all happen. after this, he went on the run, terrified that someone would Know that he saw, that they'd be coming for the loose ends, that his dad would come back for him. all he has of his family is a couple piecemeal things he could grab before he ran-- ram's favorite revolvers, a holy medal of alphonz's, some of his mom's sturdy jewelry. anyway, he ran, moved to a different city, new haven. started figuring out his powers, started targeting specifically other capes who were up to bad shit-- minor to mid league villains, the occasional local hero who would Look squeaky clean, but after their sudden death dirty secrets would come out, etc. all very low-key, very subtle. none of the disappearances or deaths looked related. during this period he is SO fucked up. he is so fucked in the head. he's incredibly hypervigilant and paranoid and jumpy (good at looking unbothered and still clocking every single sound and movement and always facing doors and windows), mired in the grief and guilt and horror at. watching his entire family slaughtered and life shattered in a night. sleeps for no more than two hours or so at a time. even on top of the lich and his dad... what he's been doing puts an even bigger target on his back. doesn't have time or heart for anything but the dirty work. is dissociating through the periods of time where he's not actively hunting someone down or on the job. silhouette is the one who puts the pieces together-- of course he's on the protectorate (hero organization) radar. sure he's only been targeting bad guys, but how clean each one was? how well covered they all are? how whoever this is has allegedly killed at least almost two hands' worth of capes in cold blood by now? sets off alarms, if you're looking!!

anyway, silhouette tracks him down, says hey, i know who you are, i know what happened. you're just a kid. you join us, and you'll gain the resources and skill to be able to get revenge. aren't you tired of running? now... virion took to this fast and well when he did, but. before it all, he was just a teenager. despite the family business, he was just some guy! he helped his mom cook and got help with schoolwork at the kitchen table and his cool aunts took him out for lunch. he never wanted this or expected it. and of course he doesn't trust the heroes farther than he can spit, but... it's something. it's better than this. anything has to be better than the way he's driving himself into the ground. & also, of course. if silhouette can find him. anyone else who's looking for him can too. (i don't think he's even registered on the radar of anyone. his dad didn't actually survive the lich, obviously, & he was the only other one who really knew abt virion + nobody knew he triggered. he's just. so fucking paranoid.)

dakota damascus / failsafe is a thinker/mover. he 1) has a precognitive sense of any pain that anyone in a radius around him will feel in the next short amount of time. this is-- varyingly difficult to block. he can't just Choose not to feel it, although the intensity of the feeling, again, varies. mostly proportionally to how severe the pain actually is, or how many people are hurt, but, with time, he can dull or sharpen it + follow the threads of it to discern Who exactly is in pain, rather than just an ambient sensation. 2) is VERY fast & has matching enhanced cognitive speed. these two abilities work SO good together, both in combat situations & also just day to day patrolling. man. i love dakota. anyway, he triggered young-- he was out with his parents (maybe 7/8) and they got caught in an attack by siberian-- a genuinely indestructible, incredibly powerful villain who can just,,, run her hand through a concrete foundation like it's butter & collapse buildings, or scoop out peoples insides in a heartbeat. and also likes to eat people, like, raw and bloody after dismembering them. whatever level of ultraviolent shocking horror u are imagining. double it. anyway. they got caught in the scene of this attack, dakota got separated from his parents in the panic and stampede and rush to get out-- he's seven! it's terrifying levels of panic and claustrophobia and people shoving and trampling and he's not gonna leave without his parents!! of course not!! he triggers from the fear and the disorientation and the panic & he can't find them & he's trying to fight the crowd but he barely comes up past their knees & there's awful sounds of fighting & he's close enough to see her... things are doubly disorienting with the echo of the agony from everyone who gets Fucking Siberianed. he sees most of the fight. um. a while after she's driven away and it's finally finished he finds what's left of his parents. there's a beat in worm, during an encounter with siberian and the Big Heroes, the prime force equivalent, where they just.. give her a victim to chew on because it makes her happier and less of a nightmare to fight. which is something i think about frequently. anyway, after this things are kind of loose, similar to canon. he does the same shit. it's also quieter and you can feel less people hurting the higher up u are. yk? OH GOD. YEAH. at some point after this we still have not hammered it out. he confronts the slaughterhouse 9 (the supervillain group that attacked/siberian is part of) about it & gets his face slit open (half chelsea smile style) & makes a deal to either kill a guy in [n years] or that guy will kill him & several hundred other people!!!!!!!!!!!! dakota damascus killing a man baked into the bones of nhw!!!

anyway he & cat still fell. he underwent a second trigger event when this happened, actually-- the panic and desperation of that situation + the way it echoed his first trigger, etc. this is also super fucking rare, btw. there are very few second triggers & it is almost Never good. (u cannot trigger more than twice + a second trigger is always a refining or an improving of the intent of the original trigger) so that's where the speed etc. came from. tide found him, gave him. a better support system (low bar!!) + a real purpose in joining the wards. i have a lot of feelings abt this.

ashe / auxiliary / muse is also a shaker/breaker!!!!! his backstory i cannot talk too much about because it is Big Spoilers. but he is a fucking powerful telekinetic (around when he joins the wards, having not really used his power in years, he has an upper weight limit of a couple times his body weight & a fairly large radius of effect). he also has a breaker form that only triggers in certain situations & if he really really pushes himself to breaking w/ his powers-- when he enters it, he loses lucidity, for the most part, & starts warping and stretching and breaking space-time in strange, dreamlike ways-- the pavement melts, or everything gets bouncy, or cars and concrete chunks and things with no business moving float slowly around like balloons, or he pulls and crumples reality to move without really moving.... it gets Real fucking bad, real fast. ANYWAY. he eventually sneaks out one night, walks to a gas station to get. snacks. it-- okay, i'm fucking linking mac's post, i CANNOT summarize all of this concisely. go read that. so. that's ashe's deal!!!!!!!!!

THERE'S ALSO. MARK. ASK MAC ABOUT MARK i have typed this entire thing out on myfucking phone keyboard i literally Cannot keep going. help. and also their mark stuff is so fucking good its so. auuuhhgh. AND ALSO DAVID BELL. WHO WORKS FOR THE ORGANIZATION THAT SELLS U SUPERPOWERS IN A CAN W A CHANCE OF GETTING TURNED INTO AN UNRECOGNIZABLE MONSTER AND DOES HUMAN ABDUCTION AND EXPERIMENTATION. AND JADE AND X AND ALLEN ARE THE FREEDOM CITY WARDS AND GRAYSCALE SHAKES OUT EVEN FUCKING WORSE THAN IT DID IN CANON. YEAH.

SO. YEAHG. THATS. THATS THE MOST OF IT. um. yeah. theyre a dreadful little polycule they are. So fucking clingy they r traumabonded. like little trembling chihuahua puppies. separation anxiety and all. virion and dakota share a comfy old victorian house in a suburban neighborhood maybe a fifteen minute walk from the protectorate hq. wibby starts out living w/ david and eventually just... all his stuff moves over to their place. their clothes r all mixed up they know each others blood types they're all sleeping together on the couch. eventually their house gets blown up. they all get various flavors of nightmare & are 1 million shades of debilitatingly mentally ill but like-- it works. they r good for each other. theyre good together. do not separate them. etc. i'm not even gonna fucking START talking abt their dynamics other than that but like. i mean. if you want a repeat of THIS u can always ask!!!!!!!

[medicus-mortem]

@devilofthecresentisle said: (its not---scared necessarily? At least speaking for me not really scared! Youre an amazing writer and its like---a mix of 'i wanna be this persons friend' but also bad past experiences with others have left a personal anxiety w/ muns who tend to be a lil more reserved like 'oh god but what if im being annoying and they hate me' idk if that makes sense??? )

I do get that and I suppose one reason for me being so reserved is because I've had people overshare with me, both in real life and on this site. Makes me want to be all business because if I try to be even a bit nicer what if I get trauma dumped on and then freak out because 'do they want me to help them?' 'I can't help! I'm not qualified for this!'

Just ... Can I have writing friends that don't expect me to share my life? Or don't want to dump everything on me?

But, I digress. I'll say it again. If I have a problem with someone I will tell them and I give everyone a second chance.

[dfnkt]

Oh my GOD stop qualifying why it's "ok" for you to rp the subject. It's fiction. It's either ok or it isn't and the reasons don't matter. Once again, personal information that is completely unnecessary.

Bonus points for saying "I'm coping by being horny over the slow takeover of fascism in America and abroad which is using trans people as a culture war scapegoat." Literally entirely unnecessary and in notably bad taste. I don't care. I don't need to know that and neither does anyone else. You don't. Have to qualify. Your right or "credentials" to roleplay fiction. It's also anonymous and people can say anything about who they are to "qualify" them so it doesn't even matter! I'm sorry but this is such a clear example of how people like this have no idea how weird this shit is because they have virtually zero social boundaries online.

The only time i understand mentioning that you're trans is if you want to clarify that your perspective is trans informed and therefore less likely to throw out some random unironic transphobia like calling people "transgendered" or whatever. Even then there are so many ways to communicate that that don't rely on 1. Personal information 2. Identity qualifiers. I've seen plenty other trans people say the dumbest shit so saying "I'm trans" doesn't mean nearly as much as saying "be respectful and competent with trans stuff even though there may be themes about transhobia!" Like, Buck Angel is trans too and no one should be listening to him and he says stupid shit exclusively lmao.

Idk! This isn't the most egregious example to be fair but in general no one needs your personal information in any way to interact with your prompt, outside of the site being 18+ only and that's a given in these interactions. These are anonymous roleplay prompts not social media bios.

I dont think this specific example should be against the rules but I 100000% think it should be absolutely banned to say shit like "this prompt helps me cope with my trauma" or "I dont condone these kinks it just helps me with my absue" or whatever. That's trauma dumping on random strangers, you're weird, please have boundaries.

[geneticallymodifiedidiot]

funny stupid sad angry post

uh so the poll said yes

so here goes? i've got no idea how to do this

tw: vent, self-sabotage, sh/cutting, eating disorder(?)/calorie counting, suicide ideation

please for the love of god if any of these trigger you in any way don't read this through. i'm not worth making your triggers worse. don't do that to yourself.

this is a really long fucking post. we'll see if i end up deleting it. if people just tell me that my problems aren't that bad (which is totally possible) then i'll delete it. no harm done.

let the brain dump begin

why am i doing this? it's not like i'd let myself accept help if anyone decided to try

uh idk it feels like i'm not doing enough

i'm not good enough for my friends, my school performance isn't good enough, i'm not doing enough to help other in general, i'm not doing enough to maintain relationships with my family and other people close to me, my "skills" aren't good enough, my problem aren't good enough to be considered problems, a lot of stuff like that

like the friend thing is like i feel like my friends are way better at being supportive and helping each other than i am, i'm trying my best but i can't seem to do enough because we're all just sad and i feel like i can't help

i constantly want to tell my friends "hey, you guys know that if i'm not a good enough friend, you can leave/stop being my friend and i won't get mad, right?" but i don't because i'm worried they actually might.

i went on a really long trip overseas this past summer and spent some time with family and i feel like i was a terrible person the whole time because my egg had cracked like a solid two weeks beforehand and i hated the idea of having to exist as two people at once bc my family has not exactly presented themselves as the most trans-friendly people but they also haven't made it so it's obviously a bad idea to come out to them. just a collection of offhand comments and unclear/lack of messaging around trans people has made it so i feel like it would be a bad idea, but if i'm wrong, then these people deserve better from me and not for me to hide myself from them.

the most unclear part of this for me is my mom, because like she's not the best but it's not obvious to me if she's actually bad. like i've seen a lot of things especially on this site about how trauma and abuse are overused terms but i don't know what qualifies. whenever i see examples i seem to fall in a middle ground between them. like it's mostly mental. she doesn't hit me (although idk i feel like i might remember some stuff from very long ago and there's one major event that i'm not going to get into) but there's just some things. like when i tried to come out as aroace, she never explicitly rejected that, but she also didn't... say anything. both times. and also when i first told her that i thought i might have adhd, she said something along the lines of "oh yeah, when you were young the doctor said you had some adhd tendencies, but we're not going to get you diagnosed because i don't want you to use it as an excuse." which, i guess, but something doesn't seem right about that.

but she's not explicitly terrible either, like i have stuff. she lets me leave the house pretty often. she's not super uptight about grades as long as i don't miss assignments. idk, it's super confusing. it's not entirely her fault either, she's an immigrant and english is her second language. there's a big age gap between us (40 years) its probably hard for her to raise a child, especially one as horrifically difficult to deal with as me. one time she said she hated me, but she apologized later and said she misspoke. which is fair i guess, she was under stress at the time. if i was her, id probably hate me too. idk i feel bad for saying i miss my dad (he died 5 years ago) my mom's trying her best and she got the bad luck of getting a child that is much more difficult than she bargained for. god im a terrible child lol.

oh, on the adhd thing- i feel like i exhibit symptoms for adhd pretty recognizably (although im not diagnosed, so its technically possible that i don't and i just need to try a little bit harder) but also i feel like i exhibit some signs of autism. but again. what. the heck. qualifies. i don't like drums (especially snare drums, which are RIGHT BEHIND ME IN BAND WHY-) and im bad with convoluted noise in general. but also like, i don't exhibit this all the time. sometimes i won't even notice drums all that much. sometimes i realize lights are way too bright like five minutes after being around them. i get hyperfixations, but im pretty sure that could just be the adhd thing. im bad at talking to people but again, i could just be bad. i scored 150 on the RAADS-R test, but that's not a diagnosis. idk. hah.

i'm outright just a negative person to be around, i can't think of a single person that is better off because i'm in their life. they either have to deal with all of my problems or i just end up not talking to them as much as a good friend should.

also i feel like my "skills" are really bad to the point that i can barely call them skills. in band, on my first instrument (euphonium) i'm first chair in the symphonic/advanced/audition band (somehow) but there's this one interval in a solo that i cannot nail down. and its annoying. in marching band its even worse, im on sousaphone which some would say is the most important instrument, but the director tells us to play louder all the freaking time (there's only 7 sousaphones and the band is like 200 people). my rank tells me im playing well but like. aaa. i could be playing better. last years rank leader was so ridiculously loud and i don't think i can match him.

other "skill" is cooking. some people might have seen the attempt at bread that i made. and the interior is just a mass of gluten. like. come on, i can do better than that. and then i also made like a chili dish to go with the bread, and the recipe called for too many beans. i should've recognized it, but no. there are too many beans. im annoyed. my mom doesn't like to eat beans that much so i feel like i failed her too. which, lovely.

ehhhh yeah i can talk about dysphoria here too. why not. idk one thing that made me spiral a bit was one of the people im not out to in marching band said "deadname you should get a buzz cut again it looked good" (i had a buzz cut for much of my childhood because long hair felt too hot) and fucking- i look better with a buzz cut than with long hair?! fucking murder me! oh my god! should i even transition as an adult at this point, i'd probably look even worse than i do now! am i just goddamn destined to be unhappy with my appearance?! aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa

ok tw for sh for this next part

so all this manifested in a cutting habit (yippee) which is. mildly terrifying. but also i feel like this problem is also inferior because they aren't all that deep. like i see things about sh support that are like "here's how you know you hit an artery" and im like well. that's not been a problem insofar. maybe im being dramatic about this.

i don't even know why i do it. i don't feel particularly better when i do it. i guess i could be like adrenaline doping but that's not that big of a thing. it doesn't make me like special or worse than other people, cutting isn't that uncommon from what i've seen. 52% of trans girls reported self-injury over the past year (per the trevor project)

the annoying this is even when i see a way out i don't take it. when i first started i was using a partially rusted razor which i completely recognized as dangerous but like. i have my shots (thanks mom.) so that happened for a while until the rust got to the point where the blade was dull. yeah, that's the reason i stopped using a rusty knife: not because of the rust and the tetanus risk, but because the blade was getting dull. that's fucking pathetic.

so instead of stopping like a normal fucking person i (still cannot believe i did this) went on amazon and bought a $10 pocketknife. and now that's just on my person. i could've stopped, i had an out, but i spent money on a different knife. s t u p i d.

tw suicide ideation

oh, something else horrifying? the thoughts i had regarding sh like... two months prior to starting are. shockingly similar to the thoughts i have regarding suicide. (i don't think i'm going to commit suicide, that's a bit more commitment that a few scars on my forearm and thighs). but i mean like, i like to sleep. maybe this wouldn't be too different. people wouldn't have to worry about me anymore.

and don't tell me i "matter," i'm perfectly aware of the 143.8lbs of matter i take up in this universe i take up and how much of a waste it is. possible eating disorder tw for the next part.

okay like. im weird with food. what the hell counts as an eating disorder. im not underweight, (i know this is not an end-all be-all by any stretch of a hyperflexible imagination, but my bmi's 19.0. that's technically in the healthy range). i'm skinnier than i was 18 months ago. but like. i'm not wasting away. i just have a calorie-counting habit that is. annoying. along with a general fear of gaining weight. sometimes i'll eat what i feel is too much and i have an urge to make myself vomit (i've never done that before, but i have a general idea) but the thing that stops me is the vivid image of my esophagus dissolving. which i guess is good.

why? i don't know. that's a theme here, isn't it. i don't know why im the stupid ridiculous way that i am, which probably means im bullshitting everything. but i don't know. it's like all my issues are on the borderline of "okay you need actual help" and "eh, you'll probably be fine. just push through it." which again probably suggests that im actually fine and being ridiculous about everything. i'm not the only person in this world who has dysphoria. im not the only person whos unsure about coming out to their family. im not the only person who engages in self-injury. im not the only person who has suicidative thoughts from time to time. i have what most people would call a good life. im physically able-bodied, lean, fit into the school system, have a parent, i live near a school, and im not under threat of dying by someone else's hand. these are all advantages that tons of people probably wish they had. why do i complain so much. im so ready for this post to get a response of "this is nothing, just deal with it. good god." and that's fair.

idk, i guess im tired. im tired of avoiding the mirror constantly, tired of keeping a running track of the amount of energy ive consumed in the past 24 hours, tired of doing the same thing each day with no real end in sight, tired of feeling like i need to push myself harder, tired of seeing an arm covered in scars when i reach over myself to turn off the light each night when i go to sleep, tired of going to sleep and sometimes wishing i wouldn't wake up.

do i even deserve anything. do i deserve friends. do i deserve to be happy. do i deserve to get the things i want. do i deserve a good life. do i deserve to transition if i want to. do i deserve help. do i deserve to take up societies resources, whether that be food, water, medical care, or therapy.

do i deserve to live?

if you read this far, uh. im sorry. this probably took a long time that could be better dedicated to something more important than a random teenager on the internet. but here we are.

if you want to say something 1. probably don't. my brain has found a way to basically not let me accept help but if you want to try, that's your prerogative. 2. if you want to say something but don't know what to say, that's fine. i know the feeling and what the hell do you say to whatever this post is anyway.

[thomasfox1986]

So yeah, yesterday was intense. I’ve never been that anxious before, it was like a 24 hour panic attack. Which sounds bad, but I’m actually pretty used to it by now. Part of me wonders if I’ll miss feeling terrible. Assuming I eventually figure out how to be happy again.

Also I found out from a friend that I would be qualified to teach college level courses, so that’s cool. I think a career change would help me a lot.

And in other news I was mildly sexually assaulted Sunday by a girl who spent the night, but then she left when I didn’t want to have sex on the first date. At least it’s nice to know some people find me attractive even though I’m still fat and gross. I’m kind of glad it happened that way though because I’m not ready for a real relationship yet. Still have a lot of work to do on me.

Also I don’t think it’s probably a good idea to keep a public record of my thoughts and feelings because I’m a deranged dumbass, but, idk it’s kind of freeing in a way. It’s like proving to myself that I’m accepting me for who I am by putting it where other people could potentially see it, even though nobody follows this trauma dump of an account. Maybe one day though I’ll be back to my sober happy self and it will be helpful to have a record of what I was like when I was crazy to motivate me to keep doing all the work it takes to keep me sane.

[punchfacechamp1on]

The worst part of recovery from abuse during your marriage is wondering if you are what your abuser said you are. All the second guessing and hesitation. The anxiety over simple things like "oh, better not get myself that face wash product, that helps me maintain a smidge of self esteem, this week because my husband will be angry if he can't buy booze or a breeze or weed." I lost myself in helping him get where he wanted to be in life. I endured daily emotional and verbal abuse. Psychological games that only he could win. Physical beat downs because "you were being annoying" or "you wouldn't look at me".

This isn't even scratching the surface. Im currently in a shelter for domestic violence victims. There are several balls rolling on housing and I'm trying to contact an uncle for help with a vehicle. I attend therapy once a week, which honestly doesn't feel like enough. I experience flash backs and dissociation. I'm remembering details that have been cloaked in fog for so long. A lot of my daily activity consists of trying not to intellectualize my trauma. I experience Intense physical reactions to thoughts of my husband or the slight chance we might run into each other in public. I've learned through group therapy with him, a pathetic attempt on his part to 'prove I'm the crazy one', that he fits into all the right categories to qualify as a narcissist. And his dark triad scores are particularly high. I've learned, also, that I cannot help him because there is intention to change or grow within him. I am his wife and he feels zero remorse or guilt or shame over physically, emotionally, verbally, and psychologically manipulating and abusing me. I have hours of audio. He says all of this himself. He's said he wishes death, famine, and disease on me and my family. (he's got an insane flair for the dramatic for attention obviously.) I have 2 daughters hes said he loves that are not his children.

I could go on and on and on. The abuse I've endured is heinous and hideous. I feel strong enough now to start putting it down on paper, in the form of poems and stories. But I am definitely going to start a digital journal. Typing is infinitely faster when I'm trauma dumping. Paper and pencil isn't a good medium for the cathartic, emotional release I absolutely need right now. I need to write almost as fast as I think so I'm going to get my laptop from my mom's house. when I put pencil to paper, I get irritated that I can't write fast enough! Ridiculous. So if I type out my internal monologue and memories and all that jazz, I'll feel better writing my poems and stories and haikus with my pencil/paper. The action of writing for the sake of writing is different than 'journaling' for me now.

Apparently I've suffered a big enough trauma that my 15 year writers block has lifted. Ha. I have no idea if anyone is going to read this and empathize or sympathize but if anyone does...I hope you haven't gone through this. If you have, then I am so fucking sorry. Idk why it happens but it's not your fault and you are worthy of love, acceptance, and happiness. You deserve all these things and more.

I have to stop for now. I am having trouble seeing. Cry time.

🧡allie

[z00r0p4]

I am only human bbs…. It’s hard to sit and listen to people trauma dump when u r going thru ur own terrible shit and ur mean enough to be thinking “my shit is worse and I’d actually rather have your problems the more I think about it”

[bbyboybucket]

Thinking about how excited I am to watch MoM on Friday, then thinking about how I watched the first Dr. Strange in theatres, then thinking about how that was almost six years ago, then thinking about how I’m still so deeply bothered by the events of that night that I refuse to rewatch the first movie because it brings back bad memories, then thinking about how maybe I should let it go because it’s been 6 years, but then also thinking about how that night was the very start of the destruction of very being and entire ego and my soul 😌✨

[itsclydebitches]

re: that ask you posted a couple days ago about the male and female representation in RWBY, part of what makes RWBY's whole 'girl power' thing ring exceptionally hollow to me is the fact that there are like... no women in positions of real power in remnant. like at all. except the big bad.

winter is second in command to james. glynda is second in command to ozpin. all of the headmasters are men (for no discernible reason, imo; why theodore and not dorothea?). the leader of the ace ops was a white man (and then winter seemed to take over clover's position instead of either of the women of color on the team, and she was still second to james). RWBY is an all girl team, but JNPR was led by a boy despite a girl arguably being far more qualified (pyrrha). the happy huntresses are all women, and robyn had no real power to speak of--she didn't even manage to win the election, because jacques rigged it, and then the council ceased to matter. there was one (1) woman on the council, but she was so inconsequential that i can't even remember her name. (i suppose we're lucky it was the guy and not her who james shot lol) jacques controls the SDC instead of willow, even though he's not even a schnee by blood and actually married into the family for power. (and we don't even know how he got it over his wife.)

and then there's the white fang, which ghira led and not kali--and it's ghira who leads menagerie itself, while kali seems to be a housewife. sienna had five minutes of screentime before being brutally killed and her position assumed by adam, a man. cordovin is basically a one off lackey we haven't even thought about before or since. neo was second to roman. you have cinder, sure, who is a second but to salem, a woman, and raven as the leader of the branwen tribe--but what does it really say about your 'girl power' narrative when the only women with genuine systemic power in your world are villains or antagonists with massive bodycounts??

atla has the same sort of problem--a couple great female characters, but all the leadership positions are men (except the kyoshi warriors, an all girls group, and even then the leader of their island is an old man) and the one female mentor figure also turns out to be evil--but it at least has some great writing to help overlook that fact, and it came out in the mid-00's and so has some sort of excuse of being a product of its time. but rwby didn't even start until 2013 and it's still going and still making these kinds of decisions well into 2021.

where is this supposed girl power, exactly? am i really supposed to overlook the very patriarchal worldbuilding just because the title characters are girls?

That's an excellent summary of the situation, anon, and as with so much in RWBY, it comes down to the full context. Any one of these examples isn't necessarily going to mean much on its own. It's when you look at the pattern that you can start making a case for those conclusions: Why is the show marketed on "girl power" set in a world where men hold the vast majority of that power? And, more importantly, why is that setup not the point? We could easily have a story where that lopsided gender dynamic is the problem that the girls are looking to fix, but... that story doesn't exist. Like the problems discussed with Jaune, the supposed point here exists only on the surface. Dig just the tinniest bit — the above — and you hit on a lot of structural problems with this "girl power" world.

To add just a few details to what you've already said:

Salem indeed has power, but she's never allowed to fully use it. Each volume the frustration with this grows as Salem accumulates more abilities and then just sits on them. From literally hiding out for a thousand years to worries that she won't use the Staff in Volumes 9-10, Salem really isn't allowed to be the threat she's presented as on the surface. And yes, this is absolutely due in part to the "She's too OP and the writers don't know how to let her be that powerful while still having the heroes win" issue, but again, context. That problem doesn't exclude others occurring simultaneously.

Same double explanation with Summer. Yes, dead moms are an incredibly common trauma to dump on a protagonist, but it still left Yang and Ruby with Tai as their primary influence. And Qrow. The uncle becomes the extended family influence while Raven is the absent one/eventual antagonist. It's personal power as opposed to political power, but Tai, Qrow, Ozpin, formerly James... most of the mentors are men. Maria, a key exception, has been ignored in that regard. The story announced that she was Qrow's inspiration, setup her being Ruby's new mentor, and then... nothing. Nothing has come of that. She disappeared for a volume and then went off to Amity and was literally forgotten by the story when evacuating everyone was the finale's whole point.

Like that Endgame moment I mentioned, the Happy Huntresses feel a little too forced to me. Yes, it's the same basic idea as in ATLA, but ATLA, as you say, has a lot more going for it. The Happy Huntresses feel... on the nose? Idk exactly how to explain it. Like, "Here they are! Another team of all women! Isn't this how progressive storytelling works? Just ignore how this is a one-off team of minor characters compared to the world building issues discussed above." And if you're not paying attention, you miss just how insignificant they are, with a side of Robyn being, well, Robyn. The Kyoshi Warriors, at least, are based off of Kyoshi. A woman avatar who is a significant part of their history. That is, presumably, why they're an all women warrior group (but who notably still teach Sokka). The Happy Huntresses are all huntresses because...? There's no reason except that meta "We want to look progressive" explanation. Just like having all the women superheroes team up for a hot second so people get excited and ignore the representation problems across, what? 21 films? Don't get me wrong, I love that May is among the Happy Huntresses. I think including her in the explicitly all-women group was one of the better things RWBY has done in a long time, but the rest is still a mess.

RWBY is arguably about these smaller groups as opposed to systematic power (despite the writers trying to work that in with things like the White Fang and the election. Not to mention the implication that everything in Atlas is fine now that evil Ironwood has died and taken the symbol of wealth (the city) with him. We saw a human holding hands with a faunus after all. Racism and corruption solved, I guess.) So yes, our group is dominated by women... but Whitley is the one saving Nora, helping to defeat the Hound (plus Willow), thinking of the airships, and providing the blueprints they need to escape. Salem is our Big Bad, except Ironwood is the one the volume focuses on. Ruby is our leader, but Jaune is the one leading the group into the whale and getting praised for how heroic he is. Ren does more to shake things up, even if he's painted as the one in the wrong. Oscar gets to confront Salem and destroys the whale threat. Ozpin provides the information they need to evacuate. Meanwhile, when the girls do things in Volume 8 it's almost always followed by a long-stint of passiveness. Nora opens the door so she can be unconscious for most of the volume. Penny keeps Amity up so she can also be unconscious for a good chunk of time. Ruby sends her message and then sits in a mansion. Blake fights so she can tearfully beg Ruby to save her. Weiss, as said, takes a backseat to Whitley (and Klein). They forward the plot, absolutely, but comparatively it doesn't feel like enough.

It's that pattern then, no one specific example. More and more the personal power, not just the systematic power already built into Remnant, seems to be coming from the men. Not all the time, but enough that scenes like the tea drinking moment feel like a part of a much larger problem. Pietro taking control, Watts hacking, and Ambrosius literally remaking her when Penny is supposed to already be in control of herself and her fate. Winter being presented as the active mentor to Weiss, only to turn around and claim that Ironwood was actually responsible for everything. Ruby, Weiss, Blake, and May straight up commenting on how awful things are out there while Yang, Jaune, Ren, and Oscar lead the charge against Salem — with the latter three doing the most to forward that mission (no fear, semblance, cane). As others have only half-joked, Yang's supposedly badass moment was bringing up a mother she's ignored for six volumes and briefly blowing up the immortal woman for a couple of seconds (with Ironwood's bombs). Even Marrow is arguably the most significant Ace Op after Clover. Vine isn't actually a character, Elm slightly less so, Harriet is there to go crazy and try to drop a bomb (notably before admitting to never-before-existed feelings for Clover), but Marrow? He's the one who breaks out. Who is meant to heroically stand up against Ironwood. Who comments on how awful it is that teenagers are fighting and, regardless of how messed up the moral messages are, is supposedly pushing for active change while all the women in his group, including Winter, insist on maintaining the status quo. Look at all these choices as a whole, it makes throwaway worldbuilding choices like "All the Maidens are women" feel pretty hollow. Why does it matter if Amber is a Maiden if she dies in a flashback so Ozpin can struggle to pass on the power? If Pyrrha dies before becoming one so Jaune can angst about it? If Raven is one and then disappears from the story entirely? If Winter has enough power to break Ironwood's aura, but supposedly had no power throughout every other choice she made getting here? If Penny is one, but is continually controlled by men and then asks another man to help her die? It's just really unconvincing, once you look past the surface excitement of a woman looking cool with magic powers.

When you do consider the whole of the story — both in terms of our world building and who is forwarding the plot in the latter volumes, getting the emotional focus, being proactive, etc. — there are a lot of problems that undermine the presumed message RT wants to write. They say, "girl power" by marketing RWBY with these four women, but too many of the storytelling decisions thoroughly undermine that, revealing what's likely a deeply ingrained, subconscious bias.

[minourp]

Even More Headcanons

Because why not. Buckle in bois

Shockarachnids are never shown collecting scrap like other animals so why do they attack trucks? I think they eat their electrical energy or something

The only (and I mean only) reason everyone seems to become best friends like 5 minutes after meeting is because Ty has never had friends before. He doesn't know the qualifications. These people were nice to me? Friends :)

And after that, they kinda had to stick together because they stood up to D-structs. Who does that?? No one, unless you have a death wish

Remember Ty's "That's gonna hurt tomorrow.... but that's tomorrow" ? shortly before being yeeted off the bridge? I think he was in pain the whole Aquadons episode but didn't wanna say anything.

I think lightning bit bugs are migratory. Either that or they sort of "hibernate" during... whatever qualifies as winter where they live

Reptools raise their young in a communal way. Everyone chips in, especially if something has happened to the parent(s)

The one time Skya and Ace saved the others with the battering ram? Ace would lord that over Waldo (or at least, until they learned it was Ace's fault D-structs knew where to find them in the first place)

The Dumps actually learned from their encounter with the Trux. I mean, we actually kind of see it happen because later on, they're not so rude and self-centered

Tortools are actually quite smart. When freshly hatched, sure, they lack self-preservation instincts, but after we see them assessing complex situations, fighting Scraptools, and even saving Dozer's life. And they're not even close to adulthood yet

There's definitely an argument to be made that the herds the 3 other trux were with in the beginning weren't good herds? They ditched 'em and were never seen or heard from again. But that could also feed into Skya's fierce independence and inability to accept help from others (Drillasaurs)

Honestly I have so much to say about the Volcano episode I don't know where to start...

Something to be said for trauma for sure. So much trauma. And maybe some closure in said trauma, in being able to save this home compared to last time.

Also angry Revvit scary

Other trux (and tools) definitely gossip about the Trux. Why do you think the Ottos and the woodland Reptools heard of them? Garby too. Heck, even in Bridge! By that point, it's less weird rumors/gossip and more "...can you believe these weirdos? Love 'em though."

Dozer is canonically an only-child but I think Blayde is too. And that's why they were so close as kids. I know I talked more about this with someone but can't quite recall...

It actually makes sense that Revvit has never met Slamtools before. If he had, he probably wouldn't have been around to tell the story later.

Pounder was perhaps the most psychotic of the villain gang. Convincing arguments could be made for them all but Pounder didn't actually have a reason to join them? Other than wanting to beat up trux.

Snowblazer and Tops would be friends. You can fight me on this.

The D-bros flashback story definitely seems to paint D-stroy as the victim but I think that's only because he was the one telling it. D-structs didn't want to talk about it but Skrap-it asked and D-stroy used that as an excuse to belittle his brother and bend the truth

Drago and Scoot missed Wrecka when she was helping Garby. Sure they didn't want to help in the beginning, but I bet they missed her after like 2 days or so without her. I think that's how long it was

When Ton-Ton finally got his super fun ball and was making a mess again, by the time they caught it, the ball was kinda far away from the Garage, hence why we never see it again

The different types of tools are likely related. One of the Ottos said the tool who found and hid the diamond bit (of antiquity) was another Otto. But all the designs and the statue were of Rotilian Reptools. So maybe once upon a time, not all Ottos were Hex Wrenchtools?

Installing a supercharger properly (as opposed to just eating it like the scraptors or Garby) gives more efficient supercharger energy and makes it more stable. Improperly installed ones blow out easier and can be unstable

The reason Xee acts... like such a blank slate/know-it-all is because she's socially awkward too. She quite literally admitted to living alone for quite some time.

Not a headcanon but how funny is it that racing is not an uncommon sport? Considering that's their only mode of transportation. The race against the Dumps is kinda just a relay race. Idk, maybe that's just me lol

Also, can we talk about the fact that there are MULTIPLE Dreadtrux??? There's another Dreadtrux mother out there that gave birth to Lil Dread, and there's the egg of the main Dreadtrux. Plus whoever is the father to one or both (assuming they can't reproduce asexually, which is scary too)

In the Ankylodumo Games, when Drago says the "attendance is a little weak this year cuz of the D-bros", he's in part referring to Ton-Ton. Because as far as the others know, Ton-Ton didn't come that year. Not-Not did :)

Anywho, that's all for know (until I post this and spontaneously remember like 3 more right afterwards lol). Up next: Splitter's design. Hopefully.

[thenugking]

godd it just... amazes and baffles me that i only really realised i was being abused like... three years after the fact. like i thought i was Good at identifying abuse but then it happens to me and i just. “well this is an unpleasant person who’s been an asshole to me but no it wasn’t really enough to qualify Abuse and anyway i feel totally fine now they’re gone” and now looking back it’s just... jesus i was in a bad place there. and then since i acknowledged they were abusive oh hey look here’s the trauma. and looking back then... i was always going to have some big anxieties over finishing university but idk maybe it wouldn’t have taken an extra two years along with anxiety attacks whenever people mention getting a job bc i’ll fuck it up for everyone if Someone hadn’t made me believe I couldn’t be trusted to do anything. idk maybe it still would. but i definitely felt more capable of doing things before that.

like i think. maybe one day i’ll be up to making a more public psa kind of thing about this, bc i doubt i’m the only person who’s been through something like this. but i think part of my problem was that they didn’t act the way abusers are Supposed to act. 

like... obviously a lot of abusive relationships are romantic and you hear about abusers being possessive over their partners or whatever so i guess i just kind of assumed. when someone is fine as a partner and then dumps you and only starts being Awful a while later when you’re both over each other, then that can’t be abusive? because an abuser would want to keep you close right? And i just... they weren’t like, a partner or a parent or a boss or a best friend, they were just a good friend who became a “I’m not sure they are that close to me actually” and then a “yeah I’m pretty sure they consider me a friend...” and that’s not something i ever really hear about. and they had other friends they were closer to who they hurt More and sure I could recognise That as abuse but I just felt like i personally wasn’t close enough.

and then you’re meant to “beat” abusers by getting away from them and i didn’t do that, I just finally fought back, and they left because I Hurt them and there was no... closure I guess, we had a Civil Discussion and said we’d see each other next week and then they stopped coming near me and it took me a while to even realise they were avoiding me, and a while more to realise they were gone from my life and my friends’ lives and not coming back. And like sure, I knew, theoretically, that most abusers don’t Realise they’re abusers and think they’re in the right but in actuality... when someone has a breakdown because you tell them the way they’re acting isn’t okay and then won’t come near you because you hurt their feelings... I still get Doubts that maybe that means they were right, and I was the bad guy there, and i just have to remember how many of my friends they hurt.

like idk i guess i needed time to recover and just... feel like i could breathe properly again before recognising that that was Abuse. But it just... disturbs me that it took me three years and i’m only now really realising just how much they hurt me and how i’m still affected by them.

also my sleep cycle is Fucked and trauma popping up at 4am doesn’t Help.