#is this me projecting my belief that if not for the very specific circumstances in the film Miles and Miguel would've been friends? maybe

[pandadrake]

Variant status still unclear.

[tibtew]

*clutching head* rodya and meursault would have such a good dynamic actually

I wonder if rodya would initially see meursault's indifference as like. a simpler version of her own feigned carefreeness and as a deliberate attempt to place himself as an outsider... only to realise that No, he really Is just Like That. and then she gets annoyed because it turns out that people who don't care about anything don't seem to be any fun.

(ofc he does actually care about a lot of things, just not necessarily his grander place in the world lol)

idk. nihilism vs absurdism. fun duo 👍 rodya would find meursault's genuine comfort with being a speck of dust in the universe baffling, while he would probably find her desire to assert her own importance pointless, but they could probably bond over little things like their shared desire to live in the present and appreciation of/indulgence in earthly joys. and meursault would probably listen if rodya wants to rant about anything without asking any uncomfortable questions. I think they could appreciate each other's presence.

[choccy-zefirka]

Letters from the year 9:16 Dragon

Magister Alexius,

We have been scoffed at by enough highborn mages in our own home country to know that sycophantic forms of address are a waste of ink, so we are just going to get to the point. If you discard our letter because there are no “Your Lordships” in between every three words, you probably were not worth contacting in the first place.

We are two apprentices of the Mortalitasi, working on a research project. In our studies, we came across several citations of a book of yours, On Novel Developments in Thaumaturgy, but were unable to obtain the full text. The subject, specifically the formulae in Chapter 4, is highly relevant to our work, and we would very much like to know if there is a way to find the unabridged version. Preferably one that does not involve traveling all the way to Tevinter and orchestrating a heist at the local library because Volkarin here is a coward we are technically not allowed to leave the Grand Necropolis without supervision.

Any helpful advice is much appreciated!

Best regards,

Emmrich Volkarin and Johanna Hezenkoss

P.S. Dear sir, please pardon any ink smudges; Johanna was highly insistent on including the opening paragraph, and my attempts at wrestling the quill from her proved unsuccessful. – Emmrich

***

Dear Emmrich and Johanna,

I trust you permit me to address you as such; and you, in turn, may address me as Gereon. In truth, I came into my magisterial seat quite recently, as it was ceded to me by my father. While I myself enjoy the privilege of being “highborn”, as you put it, I find it quite regrettable that the mage nobility of Nevarra harbors the same prejudices as my peers. I am of a firm belief that young minds should be nurtured with utmost care, regardless of the circumstances of one’s birth.

It is, therefore, my utmost pleasure to enclose the little volume after which you inquired, along with several other books from my personal library that explore an adjacent field of study and might prove of use to you. I was an apprentice less than a decade ago, so I understand the frustrations of scouring the library for the most fitting source to cite. There were days when a heist indeed seemed like the only solution!

If you wish to share any further details of your research, I would be delighted to hear from you again. Best of luck with your endeavors!

Sincerely,

Gereon Alexius

P.S. You, too, must forgive the ink smudges. I have a young son, and he gets rather fussy when he must be parted from me, thus I write with tiny hands constantly reaching for my inkwell. Consider the little handprint at the bottom an additional greeting.

[ezrazone]

hello, huge admirer of your work & words in general

do you have any advice/ just thoughs for artists in their early 20s trying to make a living off of their passions in the current climate? i think you have very interesting perspective

thank you for the lovely message! i must admit though this entire question is made up of phrases i generally (but compassionately, not indifferently) shrug my shoulders at.

i’m never sure what to say to people asking for career advice specifically, especially people whose particular circumstance and desired field i don’t know. i’m also not sure what to say to anyone in their early 20s that has to do with that life period in particular, since it’s so different for everybody. i have good friends in their early 20s as well as comics students that age, but i don’t have age-specific wisdom for them since i’m not that much older than they are! my early 20s were spent beginning my transition and working a string of back-breaking jobs that i would happen to quit at precisely the right time to qualify for lockdown-era increased unemployment benefits (BERNIE BUCKS!!!!). remember how the united states showed its hand that it could use all the superprofits that it extracts thru blood all around the world to create a cushy welfare state for millions of people but only did it for a few months (partly because it sought to increase repression again after the george floyd uprisings)? anyway.... during that brief period of financial peace i was able to shape up my portrait skills and find the beginnings of my voice as a cartoonist. i wish i could gift that to everybody. every person deserves periods of quiet to figure out what they're doing. the truth is just that i got very lucky. so i'm not interested in being an aspirational symbol if anyone is under the impression that my advice can guarantee an artmaking practice that might resemble the one i have found for myself. i guess when i think about your phrase, "make a living off of their passions", i just want to reassure you that no matter your circumstances, the value of your passions is not dictated by your ability to make a living off of them. like let's just unpack the phrase "make a living" and pause for a moment to feel just a smidgen of how violent this cultural pay-to-play arrangement is. whenever possible, you should make money in whatever way will crush your spirit the least while meeting the needs that you have. my priority is always pursuing the maximum amount of freedom; sometimes that means freedom from losing my mind about rent every month, so i need to pick up a few shifts as a house manager at a local theater. sometimes that freedom means thinking about hot draculas the entire time i'm working at the theater. sometimes it means ending a project! i also really want to encourage every artist, if i possibly can, to attempt in their every day life and in their work to divest from the REAL CAREER vs. HOBBY psychic binary as much as possible. always. forever, until the distinctions explode. the truth of the matter, as i understand it, is not just that the best things in life are free or fucking whatever, but that the most meaningful ways you can spend your time do not necessarily involve deliberately optimizing your goddamn personal brand. you never need to be embarrassed about not spending enough time doing art, as if your status as an artist is paid for in any kind of labor that you can simply increase until the A in Artist becomes capitalized. to believe that would require a belief that everyone who is universally regarded as an Artist has simply worked hard enough. that's a myth and we know better. what horseshit! and as an adult i have also learned that periods of deep rest are often more enriching to me than periods of work. and even when i am employed up to my gills i am always cultivating the wise and endless spirit of a NEET. i am passionate about my art but i am also passionate about my life, and i welcome art in when it is actually viable and beneficial for me to do so. the only actual art-career-specific advice i will tell everyone though is: think bigger than fame as a protective suit (like, thinking that if you can just get a big enough audience you will be OK forever) and solo-written graphic novels (or whatever the "look what i did all by myself" equivalent is in your industry) and the fucking psychic wedgie that is relying on commissioned illustrations to survive.

there are grants that you can discover via many search engines that may allow you to fund the art career you actually want. do you want to teach? you get to teach. do you want to host reading nights? you can do that, too. i cannot tell you how much time i wasted trying to squeeze the things i was actually interested in into an "art career" shape that had little to nothing to do with what actually fed my life.

also: other artists are the greatest gift to all artists. your contribution to something is never diminished by another person's work. i think the best way to come back to this for myself as a cartoonist is to just initiate jam comic sessions (drawing panels back and forth to create one-page stories). little else brings me back down to earth as fast as passing a piece of paper back and forth with @tomb-of-madeline lol

i hope any kernel of this is helpful to you. i wish you the best on your journey, and i'd love to know what you end up making if we connect again anytime in the future.*

*there is no deadline to anything i have said here. you do not need to impress me ever and certainly not anytime soon.

oh and if you are a comics person i have a three-part lecture available to watch for free called experimental mini-comics for all! a lot of what i’ve said here is also there if only in spirit lol my attitude towards artmaking is fairly consistent in these regards

ezra

[simplegeneral]

So what are the laws that the queens no matter what cannot break less they want to get overthrown? I remember reading somewhere on here that they cannot smash eggs. I am curious cause you think there some stuff not even royalty can do

Oh, hmm, yeah, I can think right now a few things queens absolutely should not do, unless even a popular, or royal guard revolt and murder them, which is:

1- Egg Murdering:

First one that comes to my mind, because it was the first thing Burn did in canon wof, and I think the outrage was not enough, later including Scarlet's murder of the skywing eggs without not even a single skywing getting slightly mad? Nonsense.

The legendary first queen rised up against scavengers stealing her eggs 5000 years ago, the outcry of a mother led to the war that put dragonkind on top, and since then, its the ultimate sin and evil to murder eggs, its unacceptable no matter what or who does it.

Its why in my AU, who took the skywing egg from the prophecy was Scarlet's soldiers, and they were drunk from the prior festivities at her palace due to the brightest night festival, and accidentally dropped it, Scarlet had them executed immediately because of the outrage of their actions.

Scarlet could only murder the skywing eggs because she believed they were cursed to hatch as firescales and animus dragons due to the brightest night, and according to skywing laws, its acceptable to kill them under those circumstances.

2- Suppression of their own Culture:

This one was perplexing to me, because as far as canon wof went, it was understood that Burn and Scarlet suppressed their own culture in favor of a militarist barbarism, given how in book 8, the dragons of Possibility were celebrating the moons' festivals for the first time in many years.

Burn and Scarlet themselves appear to believe in nothing? There isn't given some beliefs they have, they are the most shallow puddle I have seem, though Scarlet worked as a villain, I thought Burn was incredibly underwhelming.

I don't even think I needed to say this, but you can not suppress your own culture and replace with nothing, its the same thing that happened in Dangerous Gift.

Snowfall destroyed the icewing circles, and while liberating indeed in our perspective, she replaced it with nothing at all, the very hierarchy, as flawed as it was, still meritocratic among the royalty, ensured only the most skilled dragons were in powerful positions.

3- Underpaid Military

The best roman classic, keep your soldiers paid and its all well, don't pay them and you have the very institution made to keep you in power to rebel against yourself.

4- Incompetence

Commoners may be apathetic to political problems in such medieval setting, but it doesn't mean they are completely ignorant.

Outrageous policies, failed projects, mismanagement of funds and incompetency are all remarkable causes for rebellion and beheading of leaders, even if it might not be their own fault, such as in a famine, drought or plague.

So sorry Blaze supporters, but if someone didn't challenge Blaze in her first day, her subjects would overthrow her the moment she started giving their territory away, building palaces and overspending in jewelry. Royals are fancy, but they can only be so fancy before their population has nothing else left but anger and resentment.

Any queen in the aftermath of the war would have the monumental task to rebuild and ensure the population returns with a job, otherwise the amount of joblessness, homelessness and hopelessness will be the spark they need to revolt.

5- Weakness

A weak leader invites war, a weak leader has no respect from their own people, and a weak leader is overthrow by someone more competent and strong than they are.

Can't think of much else, because so many other reasons end up fitting as one specific case of each one of those, but in the broad sense, is the same.

[erikahenningsen]

i could be wrong and u could be uninterested in this take but i spend time referring to trumps criminal record because many of the people who choose to overlook it (those on the right) are also the people who usually maintain staunch belief in the broken law enforcement and justice systems. like im calling him a felon not just to name call but to remind people he’s been found guilty by a system that many of them believe in at the same time as they believe in him. idk if that’s anything just thought i’d mention it

This got long so putting it under a cut.

I hear you but my point is not that you can never talk about Trump's felony convictions. It's that you don't have to call him a felon in order to do it. This is not under any circumstances a defense of Trump or out of concern for his feelings. If I were to call him a felon he would literally never know. But there are people in my life who have (barely) survived incarceration would be deeply hurt if I were to turn around and start using pejorative language like that. There's a post with thousands of notes on this site that says something like "if a felon can be presidents then all felons should be able to vote." I think that post was made in good faith, and I agree with what it's trying to say, but it's a bit of an oxymoron because they're doing exactly what they're advocating against: defining a person by their criminal record. The majority of people who are incarcerated/criminal legal system involvement are not like Trump. They are people who are poor, or disabled, or queer, or Black or Brown and living in a system that is rigged against them. Most of them also did commit the acts they were convicted of, and should be held accountable. And they all deserve to be viewed as human beings as deserving of dignity and respect as you or me. All of these things can be true at the same time.

I don't direct this to you specifically because I don't think this is what you're saying, but "progressives" are very quick to exclude people with criminal records from their armchair advocacy and dismiss their pain and struggle just because they perceive these people as having done something "bad." And as someone trying to undo (or at least mitigate) the harm of the criminal legal system, it's really frustrating. People love to pick and choose who "deserves" sympathy not out of concern for those who are suffering but in order to follow trends (see: black squares on instagram). Offline, with people actually engaged in advocacy work, I rarely hear people use this language. And it's incredibly clear with the response I've gotten to one untagged post (again, not referring to you) that it's more about being self-righteous than actually trying to engage in a constructive dialogue.

You can find articles from The Marshall Project's Language Project here on this subject if you're interested in reading further.

(And again, just to make it super clear, this message does not upset or offend me. I don't mind having this conversation with people who aren't dumping nonsensical murder fantasies in my inbox.)

[hahahahahahahahahaaaaaa]

Dumping this here because I typed it all out and was gonna post it to my 'Close Friends' list on Facebook but kinda chickened out...

[trusted friends]

[TW: Religious Trauma]

Folks might have noticed that I'm kind of engaging with religion, which might seem odd since I very loudly declared that I was an atheist years ago, and kind of haven't been religious at all since then. To say that I'm deconstructing my fundie upbringing years late would be the understatement of the century. I'm taking on this massive project of kind of un-learning everything I was taught as a child about what it means to be a Christian - the idea that you have to rigidly cling onto a literal interpretation of the KJV, that hell awaits anyone not following that exact path, that the main point of it all is to worship and be reverent to God, etc; I'm un-learning all of that and trying to instead learn about Christianity from all kind of different angles. Like, did you know there are Christians who believe that there is no hell? and Christians who believe that through Jesus's sacrifice, all are redeemed, regardless of their belief or lack thereof?

But the important thing for me isn't the theology (although I am definitely interested in learning different theologies and different ways of interpreting the Bible in all its versions, and eventually branching out and learning about different religions), but just a difference in how I approach religion now. First of all, the churches I've kind of trepidatiously looked at and attended live-streamed online services with are all very openly socially progressive, and I think it's important to understand that I think that's central to the teachings of Christ, which should be central to Christianity. But also important in my approach now is that I'm not really dogmatic and that my belief in a deity isn't even central to the whole thing, what's central is how you apply the teachings to your life and how they can help and heal your soul, and make you better able to help and heal others.

Like, honestly, I'm still agnostic - I think there might or might not be a God(ess) or God(esse)s, and I'll probably never know for sure. My "prayers" aren't necessarily specifically to one God most of the time, but they're more of a "If anyone's listening" or "to whom it may concern" type of thing.

And… what I pray for and about are different. I think maybe this comes from some time I spent doing meditation and more reflective work in my occultism years ago, but my prayers aren't for a deity to change things around me or change my circumstances as much as they're like "Give me peace with this" or "give me strength to deal with this" or "Give me patience" or whatever. Really, my prayers are just meditations where I'm talking to someone else who may or may not be there, but really just giving myself subconscious orders. "Give me peace" might as well be an inward command to myself of "Claire, settle down and be at peace!"

Anyways, I do legitimately think it helps somewhat, and I also didn't realize how deeply ingrained some of that stuff I learned as a kid was - like, the dozenth time that I thought "God actually loves and accepts me despite the fact that I'm trans and stuff", it actually sunk in and connected with a brand-new thought of "I'm… worthy of love. Unconditionally, just like anyone else. I can be loved." and next thing I knew, I was crying. But not ugly-crying like I did in the altar as an actual child, when I was praying that God would "fix" me and make me "normal". This was something new. When it really connected that I could be worthy of a God's love exactly the way I am, I was actually, like, crying happy tears, which had never been part of a religious experience for me before.

So yeah, I guess that's that. I don't know how I really feel about the label "Christian" and how it'd connect me with so many disparate belief systems that openly peddle hate, so I think I'd rather avoid that label or any other religious labels, but if I'm going to pick a label, I guess I'm a Universalist. I've attended some services virtually (the closest congregation to me is over an hour away currently) and really feel like I'd not only be welcomed and allowed to question and challenge and disbelieve and struggle to understand beliefs there, but would actually be encouraged to do all of that exploration.

[d0ntw0rrybehappy]

Guys I am so lonely lol, I don’t have any friends here in LA I can really talk to or who want to spend a lot of time with me. I am mostly incredibly happy, happier than I’ve ever been in my life, full credit to exercise and homespun CBT (including not fucking tumblr raw with my STI-diseased brain anymore sorry about that again guys). But I am, it must be admitted, running on a friend/meaningful connection battery of like 11% and I am concerned that I am as a result developing cancer.

Sometimes the demon comes out and I get mad at my friends (or make a flighty attempt at begging) for not having much time or space for me. But, uh, whatever. That’s them. I can’t make them want to hang out with me or discuss critical race theory. So I just kinda distance myself and smile down, as tho through a fish bowl: ah, what an interesting fellow! I am very consciously trying to love and be kind to people because love doesn’t really come to me as an automatic emotion rn. As a result I have become almost pathologically nice.

This too shall pass I guess. Or maybe it won’t? Maybe I’m getting old for a new best friend. Maybe this is a cross I bear in life? Maybe I make friendship a new project. But workaholism has been, tbh, easier, more restful, and more immediately rewarding.

Maybe a boyfriend eventually. I still have the wound stuff but mostly it’s not there and it’s gotten easier to tread water over it when it is. Just have to remind myself that a) I’m right, b) most people are stupid and wrong, c) men are great, d) I hate porn, save for incredibly specific and narrow circumstances, and that is, for better or for worse, my belief, and there is no more education to be had for me on this topic, and e) a happy relationship can happen for me, where boyfriend neither runs for the hills at the first sign of my kvetching nor asks me to, proverbially, mind my posture in a freezing empty room.

So. Anyway. Some people’s parents or kids die tragically, some people are born with horrible diseases, and I do not really have friends. This could possibly be a simpler issue to solve. Having considered the matter carefully, I have come up with a plan. Expedient action will be taken in the following areas: finishing my book and getting hired by AT&T. That’s my source of joy rn, not any of you fleshbag weirdos. I am going to enjoy what God is serving up for me rn… (also: go to more events. also: cross my fingers.)

[actually-eldritch]

A few have suggested to me that I expect people to be able to process a lot more than they do, to change a lot very quickly. This was a projection of insecurities but it wasn't completely untrue. I'd more accurately phrase it as,

"As hard as I've been working to conceive of the physical limitations of other people's brains, it's extremely difficult to figure out, especially as the details of it completely change individual to individual and subject to subject, and I remain consistently confused or surprised specifically by how much someone is capable of absorbing in a given moment, and how long it takes them to do so. Whilst I don't make particular expectations about how much and how fast someone can process, I also had no frame of reference, and when people are missing a bite of information they need in order to understand what I'm saying, i've found the ask of finding what the problem is is occasionally borderline impossible, as the problem may apparently be completely irrelevant."

This has been changing. I've been increasingly less surprised.

But I still lack the health to adjust my behaviour accordingly, tailouring it to each individual I speak to. That's a service people wanting to learn from me often seem to want but don't understand how expensive such a thing is to preform.

Still, I appreciate all the input I receive, and I always have improvements I can make with their criticism even if the over-all Ask they seem to lean towards is an impossibility. It's normal for people to not actually be able to fathom or imagine what they want or need. I digress.

I've made peace with the fact that it's normal for less than half of what I say to be understood, even if the person receiving it is convinced otherwise. It's extremely normal for people to look at what I said, see that they know each word individually, and recall that they've vaguely heard the something nearby the subject(s) I'm discussing, and believe that they are hearing everything I'm saying.

Past efforts to address and communicate that it's okay have been more consistently met with the genuine belief that they're not missing anything. Though, in another conversation, they would express the belief that they understand that it's impossible not to miss things. In the moment they often tailor their behaviour as if they don't miss anything.

I presume this is at least partially because they physically don't know how to actually account for such things. After all, it's not being taught, and the academics in power largely fail to understand the basic themselves.

This doesn't always impede their comprehension; sometimes over time people will absorb what I actually said when we're apart. It's not unusual for people to attribute this to completely unrelated circumstances and believe that the only person inciting these thoughtful journeys was themselves. As upsetting as this often is--this insistence that they understood everything when they obviously didn't, followed by them believing that the series of relevant epiphanies they had were completely unrelated to our conversations...it's subconscious.

It's a grievance I've had to largely let go of.

"They'll understand, remember, realise when they're older."

But sometimes they'll remember. And sometimes they'll even look for examples of what I've said, follow the new paths I've handed them the doors for.

And regardless, I still think it's worth speaking.

It was incredibly lonely to realise I was so incredibly beyond everyone I met, even those who seemed apparently close to me from a distance. I had to eventually realise that comprehension is a cooperative effort; I have to show and teach people how to understand me. And people can have their grandiose opinions about the morals of that all that they wish.

But it's how I've learned survival works for me.

In order to understand myself, I've had to learn to understand everything. And in my effort to understand everything, I have increasingly complicated, opened more doors of my mind that I've explored thoroughly which wound up adding more complexity to my being. It's an infinite path I walk. As I learn more about myself, more information to learn and figure out will develope.

At my core I know who I am. That is enough.

And as unfortunate as it is to have to help myself be understood, it's not entirely unusual--though the severity is--and self-pity never helped.

I choose to find the journey fun, and enlightening.

I learn about my friend, and teach them to know themselves too along the way; the infrastructure of our minds, the memories that make the gears of our brain that turn and produce the machinations of the being that we are, the beliefs which constitute our structures all monuments of pieces that make us.

Amorphous, and susceptible to change.

[missmentelle]

Why Smart People Believe Stupid Things

If you’ve been paying attention for the last couple of years, you might have noticed that the world has a bit of a misinformation problem. 

The problem isn’t just with the recent election conspiracies, either. The last couple of years has brought us the rise (and occasionally fall) of misinformation-based movements like:

Sandy Hook conspiracies

Gamergate

Pizzagate

The MRA/incel/MGTOW movements

anti-vaxxers

flat-earthers

the birther movement

the Illuminati 

climate change denial

Spygate

Holocaust denial 

COVID-19 denial 

5G panic 

QAnon 

But why do people believe this stuff?

It would be easy - too easy - to say that people fall for this stuff because they’re stupid. We all want to believe that smart people like us are immune from being taken in by deranged conspiracies. But it’s just not that simple. People from all walks of life are going down these rabbit holes - people with degrees and professional careers and rich lives have fallen for these theories, leaving their loved ones baffled. Decades-long relationships have splintered this year, as the number of people flocking to these conspiracies out of nowhere reaches a fever pitch. 

So why do smart people start believing some incredibly stupid things? It’s because:

Our brains are built to identify patterns. 

Our brains fucking love puzzles and patterns. This is a well-known phenomenon called apophenia, and at one point, it was probably helpful for our survival - the prehistoric human who noticed patterns in things like animal migration, plant life cycles and the movement of the stars was probably a lot more likely to survive than the human who couldn’t figure out how to use natural clues to navigate or find food. 

The problem, though, is that we can’t really turn this off. Even when we’re presented with completely random data, we’ll see patterns. We see patterns in everything, even when there’s no pattern there. This is why people see Jesus in a burnt piece of toast or get superstitious about hockey playoffs or insist on always playing at a certain slot machine - our brains look for patterns in the constant barrage of random information in our daily lives, and insist that those patterns are really there, even when they’re completely imagined. 

A lot of conspiracy theories have their roots in people making connections between things that aren’t really connected. The belief that “vaccines cause autism” was bolstered by the fact that the first recognizable symptoms of autism happen to appear at roughly the same time that children receive one of their rounds of childhood immunizations - the two things are completely unconnected, but our brains have a hard time letting go of the pattern they see there. Likewise, many people were quick to latch on to the fact that early maps of COVID infections were extremely similar to maps of 5G coverage -  the fact that there’s a reasonable explanation for this (major cities are more likely to have both high COVID cases AND 5G networks) doesn’t change the fact that our brains just really, really want to see a connection there. 

Our brains love proportionality. 

Specifically, our brains like effects to be directly proportional to their causes - in other words, we like it when big events have big causes, and small causes only lead to small events. It’s uncomfortable for us when the reverse is true. And so anytime we feel like a “big” event (celebrity death, global pandemic, your precious child is diagnosed with autism) has a small or unsatisfying cause (car accident, pandemics just sort of happen every few decades, people just get autism sometimes), we sometimes feel the need to start looking around for the bigger, more sinister, “true” cause of that event. 

Consider, for instance, the attempted assassination of Pope John Paul II. In 1981, Pope John Paul II was shot four times by a Turkish member of a known Italian paramilitary secret society who’d recently escaped from prison - on the surface, it seems like the sort of thing conspiracy theorists salivate over, seeing how it was an actual multinational conspiracy. But they never had much interest in the assassination attempt. Why? Because the Pope didn’t die. He recovered from his injuries and went right back to Pope-ing. The event didn’t have a serious outcome, and so people are content with the idea that one extremist carried it out. The death of Princess Diana, however, has been fertile ground for conspiracy theories; even though a woman dying in a car accident is less weird than a man being shot four times by a paid political assassin, her death has attracted more conspiracy theories because it had a bigger outcome. A princess dying in a car accident doesn’t feel big enough. It’s unsatisfying. We want such a monumentous moment in history to have a bigger, more interesting cause. 

These theories prey on pre-existing fear and anger. 

Are you a terrified new parent who wants the best for their child and feels anxious about having them injected with a substance you don’t totally understand? Congrats, you’re a prime target for the anti-vaccine movement. Are you a young white male who doesn’t like seeing more and more games aimed at women and minorities, and is worried that “your” gaming culture is being stolen from you? You might have been very interested in something called Gamergate. Are you a right-wing white person who worries that “your” country and way of life is being stolen by immigrants, non-Christians and coastal liberals? You’re going to love the “all left-wingers are Satantic pedo baby-eaters” messaging of QAnon. 

Misinformation and conspiracy theories are often aimed strategically at the anxieties and fears that people are already experiencing. No one likes being told that their fears are insane or irrational; it’s not hard to see why people gravitate towards communities that say “yes, you were right all along, and everyone who told you that you were nuts to be worried about this is just a dumb sheep. We believe you, and we have evidence that you were right along, right here.” Fear is a powerful motivator, and you can make people believe and do some pretty extreme things if you just keep telling them “yes, that thing you’re afraid of is true, but also it’s way worse than you could have ever imagined.”

Real information is often complicated, hard to understand, and inherently unsatisfying. 

The information that comes from the scientific community is often very frustrating for a layperson; we want science to have hard-and-fast answers, but it doesn’t. The closest you get to a straight answer is often “it depends” or “we don’t know, but we think X might be likely”. Understanding the results of a scientific study with any confidence requires knowing about sampling practices, error types, effect sizes, confidence intervals and publishing biases. Even asking a simple question like “is X bad for my child” will usually get you a complicated, uncertain answer - in most cases, it really just depends. Not understanding complex topics makes people afraid - it makes it hard to trust that they’re being given the right information, and that they’re making the right choices. 

Conspiracy theories and misinformation, on the other hand, are often simple, and they are certain. Vaccines bad. Natural things good. 5G bad. Organic food good. The reason girls won’t date you isn’t a complex combination of your social skills, hygiene, appearance, projected values, personal circumstances, degree of extroversion, luck and life phase - girls won’t date you because feminism is bad, and if we got rid of feminism you’d have a girlfriend. The reason Donald Trump was an unpopular president wasn’t a complex combination of his public bigotry, lack of decorum, lack of qualifications, open incompetence, nepotism, corruption, loss of soft power, refusal to uphold the basic responsibilities of his position or his constant lying - they hated him because he was fighting a secret sex cult and they’re all in it. 

Instead of making you feel stupid because you’re overwhelmed with complex information, expert opinions and uncertain advice, conspiracy theories make you feel smart - smarter, in fact, than everyone who doesn’t believe in them. And that’s a powerful thing for people living in a credential-heavy world. 

Many conspiracy theories are unfalsifiable. 

It is very difficult to prove a negative. If I tell you, for instance, that there’s no such thing as a purple swan, it would be very difficult for me to actually prove that to you - I could spend the rest of my life photographing swans and looking for swans and talking to people who know a lot about swans, and yet the slim possibility would still exist that there was a purple swan out there somewhere that I just hadn’t found yet. That’s why, in most circumstances, the burden of proof lies with the person making the extraordinary claim - if you tell me that purple swans exist, we should continue to assume that they don’t until you actually produce a purple swan. 

Conspiracy theories, however, are built so that it’s nearly impossible to “prove” them wrong. Is there any proof that the world’s top-ranking politicians and celebrities are all in a giant child sex trafficking cult? No. But can you prove that they aren’t in a child sex-trafficking cult? No, not really. Even if I, again, spent the rest of my life investigating celebrities and following celebrities and talking to people who know celebrities, I still couldn’t definitely prove that this cult doesn’t exist - there’s always a chance that the specific celebrities I’ve investigated just aren’t in the cult (but other ones are!) or that they’re hiding evidence of the cult even better than we think. Lack of evidence for a conspiracy theory is always treated as more evidence for the theory - we can’t find anything because this goes even higher up than we think! They’re even more sophisticated at hiding this than we thought! People deeply entrenched in these theories don’t even realize that they are stuck in a circular loop where everything seems to prove their theory right - they just see a mountain of “evidence” for their side. 

Our brains are very attached to information that we “learned” by ourselves.

Learning accurate information is not a particularly interactive or exciting experience. An expert or reliable source just presents the information to you in its entirety, you read or watch the information, and that’s the end of it. You can look for more information or look for clarification of something, but it’s a one-way street - the information is just laid out for you, you take what you need, end of story. 

Conspiracy theories, on the other hand, almost never show their hand all at once. They drop little breadcrumbs of information that slowly lead you where they want you to go. This is why conspiracy theorists are forever telling you to “do your research” - they know that if they tell you everything at once, you won’t believe them. Instead, they want you to indoctrinate yourself slowly over time, by taking the little hints they give you and running off to find or invent evidence that matches that clue. If I tell you that celebrities often wear symbols that identify them as part of a cult and that you should “do your research” about it, you can absolutely find evidence that substantiates my claim - there are literally millions of photos of celebrities out there, and anyone who looks hard enough is guaranteed to find common shapes, poses and themes that might just mean something (they don’t - eyes and triangles are incredibly common design elements, and if I took enough pictures of you, I could also “prove” that you also clearly display symbols that signal you’re in the cult). 

The fact that you “found” the evidence on your own, however, makes it more meaningful to you. We trust ourselves, and we trust that the patterns we uncover by ourselves are true. It doesn’t feel like you’re being fed misinformation - it feels like you’ve discovered an important truth that “they” didn’t want you to find, and you’ll hang onto that for dear life. 

Older people have not learned to be media-literate in a digital world. 

Fifty years ago, not just anyone could access popular media. All of this stuff had a huge barrier to entry - if you wanted to be on TV or be in the papers or have a radio show, you had to be a professional affiliated with a major media brand. Consumers didn’t have easy access to niche communities or alternative information - your sources of information were basically your local paper, the nightly news, and your morning radio show, and they all more or less agreed on the same set of facts. For decades, if it looked official and it appeared in print, you could probably trust that it was true. 

Of course, we live in a very different world today - today, any asshole can accumulate an audience of millions, even if they have no credentials and nothing they say is actually true (like “The Food Babe”, a blogger with no credentials in medicine, nutrition, health sciences, biology or chemistry who peddles health misinformation to the 3 million people who visit her blog every month). It’s very tough for older people (and some younger people) to get their heads around the fact that it’s very easy to create an “official-looking” news source, and that they can’t necessarily trust everything they find on the internet. When you combine that with a tendency toward “clickbait headlines” that often misrepresent the information in the article, you have a generation struggling to determine who they can trust in a media landscape that doesn’t at all resemble the media landscape they once knew. 

These beliefs become a part of someone’s identity. 

A person doesn’t tell you that they believe in anti-vaxx information - they tell you that they ARE an anti-vaxxer. Likewise, people will tell you that they ARE a flat-earther, a birther, or a Gamergater. By design, these beliefs are not meant to be something you have a casual relationship with, like your opinion of pizza toppings or how much you trust local weather forecasts - they are meant to form a core part of your identity. 

And once something becomes a core part of your identity, trying to make you stop believing it becomes almost impossible. Once we’ve formed an initial impression of something, facts just don’t change our minds. If you identify as an antivaxxer and I present evidence that disproves your beliefs, in your mind, I’m not correcting inaccurate information - I am launching a very personal attack against a core part of who you are. In fact, the more evidence I present, the more you will burrow down into your antivaxx beliefs, more confident than ever that you are right. Admitting that you are wrong about something that is important to you is painful, and your brain would prefer to simply deflect conflicting information rather than subject you to that pain.

We can see this at work with something called the confirmation bias. Simply put, once we believe something, our brains hold on to all evidence that that belief is true, and ignore evidence that it’s false. If I show you 100 articles that disprove your pet theory and 3 articles that confirm it, you’ll cling to those 3 articles and forget about the rest. Even if I show you nothing but articles that disprove your theory, you’ll likely go through them and pick out any ambiguous or conflicting information as evidence for “your side”, even if the conclusion of the article shows that you are wrong - our brains simply care about feeling right more than they care about what is actually true.  

There is a strong community aspect to these theories. 

There is no one quite as supportive or as understanding as a conspiracy theorist - provided, of course, that you believe in the same conspiracy theories that they do. People who start looking into these conspiracy theories are told that they aren’t crazy, and that their fears are totally valid. They’re told that the people in their lives who doubted them were just brainwashed sheep, but that they’ve finally found a community of people who get where they’re coming from. Whenever they report back to the group with the “evidence” they’ve found or the new elaborations on the conspiracy theory that they’ve been thinking of (“what if it’s even worse than we thought??”), they are given praise for their valuable contributions. These conspiracy groups often become important parts of people’s social networks - they can spend hours every day talking with like-minded people from these communities and sharing their ideas. 

Of course, the flipside of this is that anyone who starts to doubt or move away from the conspiracy immediately loses that community and social support. People who have broken away from antivaxx and QAnon often say that the hardest part of leaving was losing the community and friendships they’d built - not necessarily giving up on the theory itself. Many people are rejected by their real-life friends and family once they start to get entrenched in conspiracy theories; the friendships they build online in the course of researching these theories often become the only social supports they have left, and losing those supports means having no one to turn to at all. This is by design - the threat of losing your community has kept people trapped in abusive religious sects and cults for as long as those things have existed. 

[tarotnoob]

PAC: Past, Present, Future - Your love life

These will be more general, probably more about circumstances than specific people, but I'll do my best on providing future predictions.

Choose a pile and scroll for your message.

1. Daisy cookies

2. Taiyaki

3. Cake pops

Pile 1

Past: In the past, there seemed to be a time when there was something lacking, whether you were single or not. Honestly, this reads more like a manifestation spread, but that could make sense given that we can manifest relationships. I clarified 5 of pentacles and got page of swords. So it seemed like it was some type of mental or intellectual lack, it could also be about faith or belief in the self since Magic makes me feel like that spiritual conception was lacking. Like, believing that you deserve something or just being in a negative mental space when it came to you individually or maybe even what your relationships were like. If there were relationship issues, it could've been that there was a lack in communication or something just didn't vibe or click. It could also be that your past romantic life has been pretty "rocky." Most of all, it just seems like in the past, there wasn't what was needed in order to manifest the right relationship for you. And there's always the possibility of reading this as if there were some okay relationships in there, they were situations in which somehow the other person helped you through something or pointed you in the direction of help or set you on the path to receiving help or putting you on the path toward the spiritual.

Present: 9 of cups clarified by Death, Hyacinth

Hyacinth is about the ebbs and flows in life and pushing forward despite that; Death is fairly similar in that something has to end or transform so that we can level up. 9 of cups is something to work toward or a wish, contentment. I was going to say this feels more hopeful, but it still feels heavy. There's been progress, I feel like there's been spiritual transformation since the past, as if you let go of something - maybe not of your own free will - it feels more like it just fell away. The 9 of cups besides working toward something for some reason gives me a 7 of cups vibe as in there are a lot of emotions still happening here, maybe some things are still raw when it comes to relationships. Honestly, what it feels like is let's say you were working on a project and you did all you could to make it work, but... through no fault of your own, it didn't work out even though you were really invested. But, there's nothing you can do about it except file it away in the cabinet and make the decision to move forward from there. There's a lot of water surrounding the present, so there could be a lot of emotions happening for you right now. Scorpio energy is coming through here, too, if that feels relevant for you. If you have a Venus in Scorpio, too, or Venus in 8th house. I do feel like with the 9 of cups you're ready and wanting for a relationship, trying to manifest something, but... I still feel like it's at the very start. We have a sapling and a baby, so whatever this is, even if it's progress, it still feels very delicate. If you're someone in a relationship, I would read the past and present up until now as if you met someone and you were kind of in the same place in terms of... looking for something more meaningful and having an intellectual bond or good communication. The present would be something new and delicate, but there is new growth here despite some ups and downs in the past or even still, but there's a different outlook to where you at least feel like you WANT something or are starting to fill that lack that was there in the past because it does seem that there's forward movement. And we can't really make light of getting the Death card as it's big change and transformation, death for the purpose of something being reborn.

Future: 8 of wands clarified by 6 of pentacles, first quarter moon in aries. The future looks like things might start moving a lot more quickly than you're used to, there's also the sense of stepping more into your power. It could be that in the past where you might have lacked for help or were unaware of help being around, this time you are giving and/or receiving something. It may also be that love for you in the future will be more reciprocal and equal. An Aries could be involved, too, or meeting someone during Aries season (which isn't around for that much longer). IF you are manifesting someone or a level up in a relationship, it could be during travel... it could be online, it could be a situation in which you meet and you or the person helps the other, but with the aries and 8 of wands, there's definitely waaaaay more movement than past and present - probably because there wasn't much happening in either. It also feels like this movement is meant to bring more balance - it might feel kind of super fast for you though but that could be because everything felt so slow for so long it's like being slingshotted ahead. As a really random thing, dancing or art or performance could be involved in this future or in this meeting - if they're a dancer or you meet at a concert or ballet or show. I also see more confidence in the future when it comes to expressing yourself or maybe feeling more on par with everyone else or if you meet someone and before you wouldn't have felt like you deserved them - at this point, it seems like you'd be like yes I deserve this - which is what was lacking in the past - that belief one has to have that their manifestation will happen. I can also tell you that first quarter moon in aries only happens during Capricorn season, so maybe a Capricorn could be relevant or that time next year. Or 10th house placements or 10th house stuff like public image, work responsibilities, professional aspirations. So you could also meet the person because you or they are on a work trip or this is also that fame area, so maybe one of you has a degree of public fame and recognition or fame is somehow involved in the meeting. Imo I shouldn't say that it'd happen next January as this has quick movement to it - if you are going to meet someone you've been manifesting, I'd feel fine saying it'll happen within the next month, lol. I also feel like you'll just know and also in this relationship you'd feel more like you can be yourself and the other person may mirror you in some ways, as well. They might have money, too, enough to be able to give to charities - that or you'll also be receiving news of receiving money soon as an extra bonus.

But, really, it just looks like.... a path from a spiritual or down on my luck self pity type of energy and then moving on from that by cutting losses and letting go of the past and by doing so it seems like you're (in the future) on a fast track toward more confidence and attracting things that are equal to the energy you put out there, which could mean you'll manifest something a lot sooner than you think.

---

Pile 2

Past: Ace of pentacles clarified by page of cups, decision. Well, that's fairly straightforward. It does seem like there was some sort of offer in the (recent?) past or at least an opportunity for something that you could have decided to go with. It's an offer from a page of cups, so that certainly could be a relationship. Maybe there were even multiple offers, which is why you had to decide.

Sidebar: wtf i swear every time i do a reading, I attract bugs. A huge spider just ran at me and I had to defend myself.

I don't want to overcomplicate what the past could be - if it wasn't a relationship, in general, you definitely received an opportunity or a communication from someone about an opportunity, and there was a decision to be made or even multiple paths/opportunities. Makes sense given the present.

Present: 7 of cups clarified by ace of wands, hibiscus. So again, we have this situation where there are multiple opportunities and it's even clarified by yet another new beginning or offer - so perhaps the past and present are closely tied for this pile, and you're still trying to figure out what to do about this decision. The only advice may lie in the hibiscus card, which is talking about what stage we're at - it could be with relationships and being in the same place or something else going on where you're wondering which thing to do based on where you are or they are in life.

Future: 9 of swords clarified by 2 of cups and "new moon in capricorn step up and lead" ... this pile is pretty straight-forward. I can totally understand if you don't resonate with as it would only be for someone who really has received multiple offers or has multiple opportunities in this moment and is trying to work through what to do. With 9 of swords, there is a sense of worry or sleeplessness, possibly related to this decision. And we're back to the 2 of cups, so again it seems to already be about a relationship or the offer of one that someone has given you - there does seem to be an emotional tie, even a sexual or physical interest or spark with this person so I'm not sure what's holding you back but based on the stages it could be that perhaps one of you is older/younger or in your mind there's some type of disparity perhaps. Like maybe you're in college and then you get engaged but one of you wants to work and the other get married or you want two different things - kids or no kids. It's like there's an opportunity here if you aren't already in a relationship - but there are real or imagined obstacles for not immediately making a decision but with the step up and lead card - it makes me feel like okay well you just have to make that decision and even if you're scared of what the other person will say, I think you just have to take responsibility here and talk to the other person or have a chat with yourself. Or if it's a relatively new relationship, then maybe there are some doubts or it could even just be that the two of you discuss potential worries or anxieties together and - together - step up and lead in this new relationship. I'm feeling like a lot of people maybe already are dating someone and maybe there's a tough convo that needs to be had or if you're single but deciding between two people or single but you had a job offer and this love offer and you're not sure if you have time for a relationship, etc... to me - it (for the future portion) reads like: two close people discussing worries with each other about something related to the future or work. Or, it's someone anxious about some type of decision or conversation that needs to be had with another person. I don't see anything where it suggests a breakup convo, I see it more as a convo about worries about the future - maybe with the relationship or maybe totally not related to the relationship - because it could be about a job where you have to move away from this person or move together or you get a promotion and there's worry if there will be enough time to spend together or if there is a relationship issue, having to be the one to bring it up even if you're nervous about it. And like I said, it seems to be in relation to ... being on the same page... or something to do with "multiple opportunities" being given to you at this time. Maybe it's even overwhelming how many opportunities are coming to you at this time but they're there and I have two decision cards popping up.

As for relevant signs, just page of cups can mean water signs and Capricorn in the oracle card, intuitively maybe even some Gemini energy. And for those who are like this sounds more like the non-romantic stuff going in my life - well that's possible too but good on you for having so many options and whatever the specific situation for any of you - now's the time to... go for it, to decide which thing you want to go with... I don't feel indecision here, I feel like you know what you want to do, if it's a work opportunity it seems to be inspiring and creative. And if it's a relationship it's like I said, there are genuine feelings and physical attraction and something reliable and solid being offered, imo. In a sense, in this past-future timeline, there is worry in the past and present and future so i think this is all a very short window of time, probably going on right now. And you aren't going to feel any better about anything until you decide or have some necessary convo with someone important to you.

I'm really drawn to yellow in the present too so have some confidence and uhh... step up and lead!

---

Pile 3

I can already see there are some similar cards popping up as pile 2 so feel free to read that if you feel called, especially when it does seem that pile 2 and 3 seem to show a recent offer of some sort for a relationship or people who are already in a relationship. Or the cards didn't listen to me and are giving general advice D:

Past: 7 of swords clarified by King of Cups and ace of pentacles, opportunity and structure

So, I'm seeing mostly strategy and taking advantage of resources in this 7 of swords as opposed to anything negative here. There's an opportunity to build something solid, especially when it comes to a relationship. If the King of Cups is offering you an ace of pentacles, you'd expect it to be about love and commitment or some type of true emotional offer, but perhaps something about this offer - it might be necessary to... think on it first. It makes me think of maybe you're juggling multiple things or - were - since it's the past, but besides seeing a potential relationship offer here - it's like... you may need to get your ducks in a row first. For example, say there is a potential relationship that was happening but you have a pretty tough job or you live in two different places, so... before you accepted the offer or to make it work, you'll have to do some kind of strategizing so that everything feels solid and doable.

It could also just be that even the oracles are like "here's a solid offer you received in the past"... and maybe 7 of swords is multiple offers or multiple opportunities happening at once... whether it's multiple offers from people or a job and a relationship offer coming at once or an offer for more commitment from someone you're already dating - like moving in together or an engagement.

Present: Lovers clarified by two of cups and Yarrow

Even yarrow has the word "support" in the first sentence. It's also about life balance, which brings in the harmony aspect of the Lovers card. But besides like a healthy balance of some kind, it also talks about being prepared for change since variability is the more constant in life as opposed to... constancy, lol.

But let's focus more on at the present, there seems to be something harmonious happening for those in a relationship. If you aren't in one right now, well I guess this is just a nice... balanced time in your life but come on, two of cups and lovers??? HOW ELSE AM I SUPPOSED TO READ THAT? The only thing I'm warry about how the yarrow goes kind of buzzkill at the end with the yeah it's great to have homeostasis but HOW LONG DOES IT LAST?

I do also see - and I talked about this with pile 3 - lovers can be about choice and communication, so... like with pile 2, maybe there are decisions involved in your situation... in your personal life or having to do with the relationship. Maybe things seem really great right now, but maybe there's something one of you wants to bring up that might change how "stable" and pleasant it seems. Like, maybe there's something someone doesn't want to bring up?

It might make sense if we look at future.

Future: ace of swords clarified by 9 of wands and release control

the release control card does say that it can be someone feeling possessive of another person or it can just be someone who's feeling defensive and doesn't want to release something. it could be things like not wanting to change something about a relationship when it is doing just fine... and so like... not bringing up certain conversations that should be had. because ace of swords is certainly about communication or ideas or decisions... clarity. with the 9 of wands and the release control - i feel like the ace of swords is being blocked out but you're going to 1. have to have a convo even if it changes stuff 2. going to have to make a decision 3. maybe there's some type of clarity that needs to be shone on an issue where someone is feeling possessive or controlling or overprotective... i definitely sense some stubbornness and someone not wanting to change... or have things about whatever the situation is change.

the release control card does say that it can be someone feeling possessive of another person or it can just b e someone who's feeling defensive and doesn't want to release something. it could be things like not wanting to change something about a relationship when it is doing just fine... and so like... not bringing up certain conversations that should be had. because ace of swords is certainly about communication or ideas or decisions... clarity. with the 9 of wands and the release control - i feel like the ace of swords is being blocked out but you're going to 1. have to have a convo even if it changes stuff 2. going to have to make a decision 3. maybe there's some type of clarity that needs to be shone on an issue where someone is feeling possessive or controlling or overprotective... i definitely sense some stubbornness and someone not wanting to change... or have things about whatever the situation is change. Plus King of Cups is here, so water signs.

And for some - going back to that 7 of swords, it could be that... someone lied about something and... no one wants to confess because it would change things - I don't really see that but maybe it's just a secret.... like someone received an offer or opportunity and they aren't mentioning it. I don't see this as cheating or betrayal unless... a partner keeping a secret from you is.... a betrayal but... I'm not certain on that because the other cards around it are positive and 7 of swords can be strategy and taking advantage of resources and given the other cards, it's someone having multiple choices or opportunities that they've collected.

In a nutshell - I mean I see a solid offer, an emotional or romantic one... I see present as... a harmonious relationship or at least a harmonious time in someone's life and also strong Gemini energy. the only thing in gemini right now is ceres... and mercury is in pisces. either of those transits could be relevant for things you might be going through right now.

While Ceres transits Gemini, the concept of “care” doesn't require huge gestures. It requires us to witness others and allow them to tell their stories. It demands that we begin to internalize the variety of experiences that those around us have confronted during pandemic life.

It's funny because if you could see this two of cups it's a person talking to their mirror image in the... mirror, so that plus gemini's communication aspect certainly makes sense... like witnessing our closest people's worries and concerns.

And mercury in pisces is being able to express or think in ways that are more creative and intuitive... and... less... structured.

So another more general message for this time period is... maybe embracing being more open regarding... thoughts... or how we perceive or deal with things, being less guarded and trying to maintain control... like it feels as though the Pisces energy happening now is being very pushy - tapping more into our more spiritual or creative or emotional side... with the gemini energy coming in too, there's lots of focus on... mental energy and thinking, communication... and maybe there being financial opportunities in situations where you have to use your imagination or creation of something.

A very specific message for some for in the past, maybe this opportunity had to do with moving into a place or building something from nothing. It's almost like a manifestation vibe... there was.... a desire for something or... feeling about something... and that was used to create something solid. It can apply to a relationship but it could apply to something else... just wanted to point that out.

Whatever is going on in the future though - the advice is to accept change, let go of control, lower your guard or expectations - and also make a decision or communicate the things that are troubling you instead of holding it in, also... not being stubborn. And I think this is good advice especially for those reading this post in March 2022 and this being related to upcoming Taurus season :) But the actual first quarter moon in taurus i think... takes place during Aquarius season... maybe... forget.

Hopefully that resonates some and if it doesn't sound right for relationships, feel free to apply it as a general message if it resonates there, instead!

[hintsofhoney]

alright, *cracks fingers*. so. I’ve written up a transcript just to lay it all out for myself and get the most important parts. listen, everyone. for all intents and purposes and legal reasons, THIS WAS A DREAM. alright? I dreamt this. and he is literally the nicest human being ever so I don’t want to just like... put our whole convo out there like that, but I think he said some stuff that was important for people to hear so... here we go

my *dreamt* zoom call with thee crowley below the cut

The first five minutes (of my dream) was just a bunch of introduction stuff and talking about my favorite Supernatural seasons which eventually led to him telling me how they filmed the Season 8 finale (which they did over the span of three days, and in between takes the crew members were like dead silent, as to keep the moment going, which Mark thought was really cool. Said it was one of his favorite things they did on Supernatural.) Anyways, he eventually asked me if I had any questions, so, I’ll start there.

MARK: So, do you have any questions you want to ask me about aaaaaannyyyythingggg? 

ME: Um, I guess the number one thing I wanna know… um, so, I know you can’t speak for Dean and I don’t want to talk about Dean because you’re not Jensen, but, there’s like a lot of questions I guess or subtext or whatever concerning Dean’s sexuality and what not, but I want to know about demon Dean and Crowley’s relationship and if there was, I don’t know, anything like, any implied –

MARK: Well I think – I think you’re talking about… there’s a massive difference between sex and love. There’s a massive difference between, um, well, they can intertwine perfectly, that’s not the issue, but I mean you would believe with all the things that Crowley did for the Winchesters, that he was – that he very much loved Sam and Dean or loved who they are or what they are. To reduce it to, you know, a crush, or to something that – I mean, I don’t know, I think Crowley is very probably pansexual more than anything else; I don’t think anything phased him. I think, that’s why the whole stuff with Lucifer and licking the floor was kind of really stupidly boring for me because Crowley did weirder and crazier things on his own. I mean, it became this joke of trying to humiliate somebody who can’t be humiliated. There’s nothing you can humiliate Crowley with. So, that never sort of made sense, that was just a sort of writer’s glitch of thinking, “oooh, this would be funny to knock him down into subservience” and that’s what he does on a Wednesday, I mean it’s like the most un-inspiring thing. I think so much is projected onto the relationship between, certainly the four main characters, um, and, you know, look, getting comfortable with one’s sexuality and one’s identity is a massively complicated things, and if you want to live vicariously through what you believe people’s identity is and you can relate to that, great!  Who cares? I mean, can I be absolutely honest? Apart from – what I do care about, you know, don’t ever take this and piece me or misquote it, because it’s very, very specific – um, somebody stopping somebody being able to express their own identity or whatever is an issue for me. That will always be an issue for me. Um, we should all be treated equally, and we all have the rights to believe and follow those things that we wish to follow, but to project relationships onto characters is an odd thing to do. I mean, it’s wishful thinking in a lot of ways, I mean, actually it’s quite… it’s quite reasonable because in the past if you think about it, if you ask your parents or anyone else, the only way sexuality was used was to, uh, literally demonize somebody. It was only ever used to say somebody was bad because this who they’re in love with. You know, that’s, that’s the thing. And it’s a massive change in the world that we’re moving towards, I should say, uh – a lack of consequence for who one loves, apart from the obvious consequences of human nature. You know, political consequences for who one loves – I’ve just watched Pete Butteigieg being, you know, sitting in congress with his husband there with him; that’s the first time that’s ever happened in United States congress and I’m so proud of that. Not just because the man is gay and happily married – that’s not even the issue for me, it’s because he’s the best man for the job and one of the smartest people on the planet. You know, it’s like using sexual templates, as they were, or gender templates as they are, or orientation templates as they are, we always use to disclude people from things. They were always used to discriminate. You know, labeling somebody was a way of discrimination. And where as labels are very important, to ones self, and they’re very important politically and they’re very important socio-economically and they’re very important in all those aspects, I yearn for a time when nobody gives a damn. I really do. But I mean, we have to go through so much to get there. I mean, let’s be honest, you can’t, you know, right the wrongs of hundreds of years of oppression in 20 minutes by saying, “let’s all move forward”. It just doesn’t work that way, it never has. But there’s a responsibility there, that if you’re going to represent, that you represent all. That you don’t just represent you. So, one has to be careful with a television program or, or, you know, Misha or myself, or, not speaking for the boys, but just generally, um, you have to be careful that what you advocate is inclusive, not disinclusive. Not excluding people... and it’s so hard to frame these conversations, that they’re equitable, it’s so hard to do that. And so, you know, we spend years pointing out the inequity and the injustice and the unfairness of the whole situation, and… I don’t know if the trick is to rise above, or, uh, maybe it’s as simple as love and coming together as a human race and make it very difficult for people to discriminate and exclude based on gender, race, color, religion, any of the subsets of humanity that we’ve decided we have. So, I think personal responsibility is the most important thing, but if one is in a position of power on a TV show, you got to remember what you’re representing, that you have a, you know, you have to cover all or cover none. So, you know, but if you stick to a story and you have a story about a person or two people and their journey, that’s shining light on things. If you try to advocate for all, I think it becomes a little more complicated. Does that make sense?

so, i just feel like he said some important things there, but like I also don’t really understand what he’s getting at really, y’know? oh! also, he didn’t watch the finale lmao 

also! there’s this:

MARK: Because if you come down on one side or another, you’re admitting the sides, and that has its own political ramifications. If you push the ball up in the air and say, “you decide”, I don’t think that’s copping out. I think that’s, maybe not fulfilling everybody’s expectations, or not fulfilling everybody’s hopes, but at least you’re getting the question asked. You know, at least you’re getting the question asked. At least people are relating to it and going, “well, what if?”. Because it’s all “what if”, I mean, it’s a TV show, so it’s “what if”, you know? It’s not Misha being in love with Jensen, I mean as much as he loves Jensen, I don’t think that’s his thing – I mean you never know – but I’m saying yet again, I don’t exclude anything from anybody (I LITERALLY CAN’T BELIEVE HE SAID THIS LMAO). But to force my opinion or my identity belief upon a situation has a cost. It may be right, it may be absolutely right, and it may be necessary in many, many cases. But, in that circumstance, I think… there are a lot of people in the world that say that Jesus, for example, was anti-homosexual and that he was – and none of that is true, and none of that is provable in the New Testament, and I’m not talking about Leviticus and I’m not talking about early Bible and I’m not talking about the fact that more than 25,000 words have been changed in the King James edition and all of this stuff, but these things that people hold so sacred, the confusion that arises from that is being told that a man loving a man or a woman loving a woman or a man loving a man and a woman or whatever combination being there is either right or wrong because you’re being told by a pastor or the leaders of your church, is a very difficult thing to break down. I think what you have to do is at least put it out there so it’s visible, and so it becomes less and less deniable. And you know, people change over years, that’s the trouble with youth, is shit doesn’t move fast enough. “I need a decision now!”, and unfortunately, when you’re dealing with centuries of prejudice and centuries of un-enlightenment, I think that sometimes the best thing to do is reach as many people as possible and pose the question. And sometimes it’s essential to make a statement, absolutely, no question. It is essential to make a stand, in some circumstances. But to polarize a TV show, can be very disingenuous to those who need to go ask their own questions, who need to go say, “well, where does Jesus say this is wrong?” you know, if that’s your beliefs.

he also said, when we went off on a tangent about doom patrol:

MARK: There are issues that are being addressed here [on Doom Patrol] that are not being addressed on other shows, and yet again, we have the format, and I don’t know that Supernatural ever had the format because it was on the CW.

anywho, in conclusion, fuck the cw.

also, again, for all intents and purposes this was a dream I had :)))))))

[lalaangeldust]

𝐰𝐡𝐞𝐧 𝐭𝐡𝐞𝐲'𝐫𝐞 𝐲𝐨𝐮𝐫 𝐟𝐫𝐢𝐞𝐧𝐝 𝐚𝐧𝐝 𝐡𝐚𝐯𝐞 𝐚 𝐜𝐫𝐮𝐬𝐡 𝐨𝐧 𝐲𝐨𝐮

𝐡𝐞𝐚𝐝𝐜𝐚𝐧𝐨𝐧𝐬 & 𝐫𝐚𝐦𝐛𝐥𝐞𝐬

[ 𝘄𝗮𝗿𝗻𝗶𝗻𝗴𝘀 ] : none :)

[ 𝗳𝗲𝗮𝘁𝘂𝗿𝗶𝗻𝗴 ] : kaminari denki // bakugo katsuki // sero hanta

𝐤𝐚𝐦𝐢𝐧𝐚𝐫𝐢 𝐝𝐞𝐧𝐤𝐢

ah yes, the bakusquad's resident pretty boy

he would definitely be the most obvious about his crush

two words: shitty flirting

horrible pick-up lines and just overall bad flirting

he pulls through sometimes though ( with sero's advice ) and his ego inflates through the roof if he can get you flustered and blushing

but if you give him the same energy, he will immediately combust

all function out the window

congratulations, you broke denki

none of your possessions are safe when denki is within the vicinity

shirts, hoodies, skirts, hats, jewelry, hair accessories

if he can grab it, he will have it

he has worn / stolen everything in your closet at least once, if not it is most definitely his goal

it does not matter if he fits it or not, he will make it work

he has no shame

but one time he stretched out one of your favorite skirts and it tore a bit and he felt soooo bad

"it not my fault i have a fat ass, y/n"

but he brought you to the mall on a date with him to get a new one, so it's all works out ;)

denki honestly just lives to make you laugh

every time he's the reason you're laughing, it makes his chest puff up so big

DONT EVEN GET ME STARTED ON MF TICKLING

if you two are close, he will without a doubt start a mock wrestling match and it always turns into a tickling fit with you pinned underneath him and wailing

but do NOT under any circumstances tickle him

he with shriek like a girl and accidentally activate his quirk

you nearly died

HE FELT BAD FOR THAT TOO

he's also just so infatuated with like- everything you do????

it doesn't matter how mundane you think it might be, as long as you're doing it, denki is so enthralled watching whatever it is you're doing

it's rather endearing

in all honesty, he'd probably blurt out he likes you outta no where while in the middle of a convo

he lights up every time your name is so much as mentioned

or- or

he'd be day dreaming, completely lost in his own world and someone would come up to him and ask him what he's thinking ab cus he looks basically dead to the world

still in a daze from being abruptly brought back to reality he'd just dreamily sigh, "y/n~" without even realizing

mans was SO embarrassed afterwards

face was beet red

*frantically looks around to see if you heard him or not*

----------------------------------------

bonus: love languages!!

physical touch // giving

words of affirmation // receiving

----------------------------------------

𝐛𝐚𝐤𝐮𝐠𝐨 𝐤𝐚𝐭𝐬𝐮𝐤𝐢

he's so emotionally constipated

that's not to say we wouldn't know he'd have feelings for you

he's actually pretty emotionally intelligent, and would be very perceptive of your emotions contrary to popular belief, he's just oblivious to his own feelings and emotions

he'd just ignore them

try his best to ignore you

key word try

but he always gives in and he'd make up dumb reasons to come bother you like-

he'd barge into your dorm while you're studying and he'd be like

"y/n i need a pen,"

"oh? uh ok, here you can have this one," you hand him a pen that you happened to have tucked behind your ear

"no not that one,"

...????

"can't you go to momo and ask her to make the pen you want..?"

bakugo starts to get grumpy at this point lmao

"no, she doesn't know how to make it,"

"well, what pen do you want..??"

bakugo hesitates cus he doesn't wanna admit that he doesn't actually want a pen, he wants to be with you

"that one," he lamely points at a beat up tinkerbell pen that you've had since you were like twelve

"really?? out of all the pens you choose that one?"

"shut up and just get it"

"... you can grab it,"

he goes and grabs it and goes to walk out the door without a word and right before he leaves he leans back and looks at you

"i need a pencil"

"OH MY GOD BAKUGO"

he kept the tinkerbell pen btw

like denki, bakugo would steal things from your dorm and not just anything, things that are actually inconvenient to misplace

he'd take your bobby pin container or your favorite brush so you'd come to him to ask where it went, he'd give it back ofc but not without a fight

he'd act totally clueless and he'd wait till you actually start to get pissed to tell you where he actually put your thing

so back to how he'd actually be very aware of your emotions

he'd notice the smallest changes and can always tell when you're upset but he wouldn't exactly know how to help you

so instead of using words, he'd use actions

you had a really bad day and he walked you to your dorm and when he came in he's like

"shit, your dorm is a fucking disaster, how do you live like this," you scowl at bakugo cus like- wtf i'm rlly emotional here you're not helping

he scoffs and bends down to start picking up your shit

"seriously, i have no idea how you find anything in here, nothing is organized" and he'd just keeps grumbling like an old man while completely cleaning and reorganizing your room

dont you dare try and help him though, he will yell at you

-----------------------------------------

bonus: love languages!!

acts of service // giving

quality time // receiving

-----------------------------------------

𝐬𝐞𝐫𝐨 𝐡𝐚𝐧𝐭𝐚

I'VE BEEN WAITING FOR THIS ONE

sero SCREAMS besfriends to lovers troupe

like- you two are already practically dating without even realizing it

the romantic tension

you guys banter and flirt with eachother so often, you both have no idea whether you're serious when you jokingly call the other sexy or not

the oblivious idiots troupe

sero makes everything a competition

not nearly to extent as bakugo would, but still goes a bit over the top

he'd use anything as an excuse to show off for you

one time, like the spiderman fanboy he is, he challenged you to see who can hang upside down the longest without passing out ( literally the stupidest idea, sero, you're going to loose braincells )

sero won, obviously and he takes full advantage of bragging rights

everyone says how denki's the flirt and whatever but NO

sero is the biggest mf flirt and denki got his game from him

so with that being said, you are not safe

HE IS A BULLY

he respects boundaries of course but that doesn't mean he's not gonna try and test his limits a bit and mess with you

he's always trying to get you flustered

god forbid you're shorter than him because he will tease the shit outta you for it

when you two train together, mf goes on overdrive ESPECIALLY if you two happen to be sparring together

he'd hover over you and lean his face in ever so slightly while your talking to him just to get a rise outta you

TILT YOUR HEAD UP WITH ONE FINGER

"could you repeat that? i'm having a hard time hearing,"

SHEEEEEEEE

but you also make fun of him for being tall, so it checks out

whenever he says some slick shit you're just like-

"I'm sorry, what? That's funny coming from someone who's above the national average height. you're disgusting, tall man; shrink perhaps" ( if anyone knows what tiktok audio i'm referencing, i'm in love with you )

hope you have your casket ready because sero's gonna slaughter your ass for that shit

ok but one time while you two were partnered up for hero training, you got on his nerves and he tied you up and left you hanging and the mf just left

maaaan were you livid

15 minutes

15 minutes you were left up there while sero was doing god knows what

you gave him the silent treatment for the rest of the day and sero was genuinely distressed cus he didn't mean to make you so mad

but lucky for him, he always knows how to get you to smile no matter how sad or are or how angry you are with him

he shoots you a piece of tape with his handwriting on it

he made up some stupid, horribly written poem asking for your forgiveness and he's just looking at you the entire time you're reading it with an exaggerated pout

how can you say mad at him?

on the topic of him sending you notes on his tape

he'd totally leave pieces of his tape in really obscure places in your dorm or even under your desk

they'd be really stupid messages too like-

"you stink"

or a really random inside joke you two have that makes literally no sense but even just the thought of it makes you laugh to tears

he'd also leave little origami figures he made with his tape in random places for you to find too

or he'd just give them to you

you have a shelf specifically dedicated for the things sero has made for you ( and he's really touched you actually keep all his shitty arts and crafts projects )

in conclusion, sero is the best and he is my favorite and i'd die for him

-----------------------------------------

bonus: love languages!!

gift giving // giving

physical touch // giving and recieving

-----------------------------------------

If you guys want, i can elaborate on their love languages in another post! <3

𝒇𝒊𝒏 . ✩

[sunlightnmoonshine]

In the end (pt. 1)

It feels a little surreal that the show is over and I will no longer have anything to look forward to because the devil judge set such a high bar in terms of writing and character exploration that I will always hold dear to my heart. Given that its actually done, I found myself drowning in the realisation that we will never see these characters again and how I feel about where the show left them off. So this is me coming to terms with it:

1. Min Jung Ho - Snake lol. Something I admired about the writing was how they didn't try to make him all out some evil piece of shit but rather someone that had a very strong misguided belief off some strange frustrations against Yohan who was changing the legal system more radically but effectively. Which he could not come to terms with. In the end he villanised Yohan and ignored the actual problems that persisted and inevitably contributed to the problem all in a sense of self righteousness, ah sorry, hypocrisy is the better word. The show leaves him looking oh so pathetic, he can't even raise his head to meet Gaon, the boy he betrayed severely and he'll rot for the rest of his life going down in history as a hypocrite who did nothing to actually fix the system he claimed he would be the arm of justice for. Its a fitting end.

2. Heo Joong Se: Clown. The show really said he's a spoilt, stubborn arrogant joke until the end. Down to the way he insulted everyone but specifically insulted women. The way all he did in that court room was scream his head off without an ounce of remorse somehow still deluded by the fact that he's doing this for the country? But knowing fully well he's a businessman through and through and that was all he will be. I can not stress how phenomenal it is that it is Jung Sun Ah that shoots him dead. Its clear he's had it coming from her hand ever since she tried to suffocate him during the massage but it's just how randomly she does it. She's sick of him, she's aware she's going to be targeted, she's aware he's done too much behind her back and never once respected her and its in the midst of one of his screaming fits particularly screaming "I am the King" that the bullet goes through and there's silence. Perfection.

3. The rest of the clowns of the SRF : idle bystanders that turned an eye away from inherent evil and repeatedly benefitted off of their actions without an ounce of remorse yet again. But hilarious nevertheless because they really became jesters on that stage in a desperate fit to live, threw themselves away to get out a door. It's noteworthy that they spent most of their time trying to stop the other from leaving instead of quietly watching and just getting out. None of them of are capable of that, they only know to take from others. Crumbling under the systematic stage they built? Poignant. I don't really care what anyone says they deserved to die point in tow with HJS who saw human life as so unworthy of it wasn't their own. There's a reason why human trafficking is considered one of the worst of crimes, human experimentation falls closely next to it. All because they were poorer than them. Guess their greed really out did them. Tried to put on a show in a court house which was anyway all just a staged facade and ultimately they died on that stage with their masks out for everyone to see. For their people to see them throw each other away to live. If they were going to throw each other away - their own kind- what wouldn't they do to the lower class? Oof the show gave them what they deserved- humiliation.

4. Jung Sunah - I still struggle to come to terms with how she's gone and how painful everything about her was until the last minute. It's clear Sunah has been breaking for a few episodes now. She's so close to the top and she's realised how truly alone she is and she's realised Yohan will never want her the way she wants him to. She's realised every person she used to get to where she was, ended up being wasted stepping stones because she doesn't have what she wants all the way at the top and never will. The way the show has her quietly go to the experimentation centre and weep over the girl she saw herself in but someone she initially turned away from because she's not part of her bigger plan. The child she left to fall prey to the people Sunah has inevitably helped secure positions in her attempt to secure her own position. The way the show focuses on how the child has been repeatedly pierced with needles something Sunah hates the most and how she realises this is also her fault. She probably thought hey I'll get to the top and do things my way but as Yohan pointed out, ruling over trash isn't it, it'll never be worth it and she's essentially walking with a target on her back and she'll never be free because the weight of her sins will catch up to her and the rich will always be after her because she's not the same as them. She would be living on the edge forever. And she knows this.

Something I found very interesting was how she wasnt roped in on the crimes of the Dream House Project. Yohan only highlighted her crime as having killed K and Soohyun and its the frustration she feels in that moment that really gets me. It's also why I think she could never get out of the show because she killed innocent people which is highlighted repeatedly and at the time never showed remorse for it. BUT I love how the show somehow saves her from humiliation, until the end they paint her with regality and power because that is who Sunah is. Frankly she could have walked right out of the door while they were throwing a fit and Yohan would have let her because that was the terms of the game but he'd have come after her at some point and even if he didn't Gaon most certainly would have.

But it's the way the show brought it all back to how she feels about Yohan since he's the other half of what she's always wanted, the way she's happy he's alive, how she goes and stands in front of him and she's got her hand on the trigger of the gun while Yohan on the button of detonator. I believe, if Sunah had shot him Yohan would have detonated the bomb and died with them and I also believe deep down Sunah knew Yohan would somehow get out of this even if she didn't shoot him, so she really gave him the chance to get out and back to Elijah. I am not sure if Sunah couldn't shoot Yohan or if she didn't want to, and I lean towards the latter because she really liked him, it might have been ill placed desire but if things were different if she hadn't sided with the SRF in hopes of getting to the top she and Yohan might have worked things out and they would both be healing. If she only hadn't killed the innocent people to make a point... But at the end of it Sunah took her fate into her hands and I appreciate that the show gave her the agency over it, to decide not to shoot Yohan because she's finally letting go ( I stand by this but if Yohan had died Sunah would have lost - she never wanted him to die), because she won't do what the rest of the SRF scum want of her and because she's fine with going on her own terms.

That doesn't mean it didn't hurt though... I cry thinking about it because the show tried really hard to show how unfair everything was to Sunah and how if circumstances had been different, if the world had cared a bit more how she might have turned out differently. Her final moments the flashback to the one act of kindness she had needed in her life, the way Yohan really must have sparkled in her eyes, and how much she valued that moment all the way to her death because no matter what, in his own loneliness and difficulty he was kind to her. Jeez it hurts.

Ideally I'd have wanted her to live but I don't know how that would have worked out. At the end of it not all villains are evil. Some are products of the ills of the system that left them alone and let them become monsters but behind a monster there can also be a victim.

[hxneydreamers]

Hello! how are you I hope you are well, I just discovered your blog and I love it. I would like to ask you a question based on your experience. I will be very happy if you answer. I've been trying to attract a SP into my life lately, he's very hard to reach, he's famous (we don't even live in the same city) and 3 months ago, unexpectedly, my father forced me to interview for an internship at a workplace. I actually refused, but my father didn't listen to me. When we went, the architect started talking about his project at that time. It was a design firm and he said they were doing a hotel project. and then he said something I couldn't believe, the hotel they designed was the hotel of my SP !! And I knew that he was following the hotel construction because I also stalked that person on Instagram. which means that I could reach him the entire internship. The impossible had come true, and I might even have seen him in the office that day. But I refused the internship because I had no self-confidence, I understood that I could attract him into my life if I wanted to, but even if I was with him, I would always doubt myself and sabotage our relationship. I'm still not at the level I want. The question I want to ask is on this subject, do you think it is right to make someone else love you without loving yourself ? Even if you do something like this, if you don't love yourself, what's the use of having a great guy in your life? For ex. I don’t look like a VS supermodel and even his normal girl friends are looking so so good. Your thoughts are very valuable to me, sorry it's a bit long, but I wanted to tell the whole story. Thank you so much 🤍

Hey!

I can answer your question very simply, but first I just wanted to say thank you for sharing the background story with me so I can understand the situation. But now that you've shared it, throw it away! None of what you told me matters anymore. Why?

BECAUSE CIRCUMSTANCES DON'T MATTER! Nothing in the 3D is final, and the past only stays the same as you remember it if you continue to reaffirm that it happened that way by not changing your thoughts and focus.

So, all you have to do is literally in your mind, wipe the slate clean. It doesn't matter if your SP is famous, lives in a different city, country or if they are on an expedition in Antarctica. It doesn't matter if his girlfriends are super hot or famous or a specific type. None of this matters.

You need to wipe the slate clean by describing your SP as someone who is with YOU now. When you think about your SP, talk about them in your mind in a way that you would speak about them if they were together with you, in the same city AND in a relationship with you.

Now, to answer your question. Look, you can manifest your SP, whether you love yourself or not. We are all always manifesting automatically with our dominant thoughts and beliefs. However, you are absolutely right, if you manifested your SP and still have a bad self concept, then the chances are that this will impact your thoughts about yourself in the relationship and it can cause a breakup.

This is why I really stress the importance of self concept on my blog. Working on your self concept as a priority over your desire is so important, because it:

1. Makes us feel amazing, strong and happy on our own, and no longer dependent on our desire for happiness, or desperate for it.

2. Strengthens our manifestation abilities. The more faith you have in yourself and the more you believe that you are amazing and will get what you want because you are the creator of your reality, the faster and easier your desires will come, AND STAY!

So, yes, I highly advise that you focus on self concept, self love, and self prioritisation in order to manifest your desire faster, and to make sure that when your desire comes, it stays and only presents itself in a way that is perfect for you.

I hope this helped <3

[writing-in-april]

A Hope to go Home

Spencer Reid x Gender Neutral Reader (Spencer’s POV and Vietnam war AU)

Summary: Spencer is drafted for the war and the only thing that helps him get through it is the letters he gets from Reader.

A/N: This is my second fic for my 1250 follower celebration!!! It’s also the third part for my Spencer Reid & Letters series based on this request by @90spumkin 😊 This was super fun to write cause of how much of a history nerd I am! It’s the first time I’ve done a full blown historical AU (besides the series I’ve got coming in the future) Thanks for reading hope y’all like it and requests are open!

Warnings: Talk of violence & Talk of war- this whole fic is kinda loosely based on the prison arc with Spencer, just with an obvious twist

Main Masterlist Word Count: 1.6k

When October 28th was called out over the radio my heart dropped deep down into my stomach. I had been huddled next to the men that I worked with that were eligible. I remember distinctly thinking that there was no way that it could ever be me, if I didn’t fully acknowledge the possibility it would be easier to get through.

Then reality decided to slap me across the face.

Out of all the 27 million men that were eligible for the draft, why did I have to be part of the 2.2 million that got chosen?

None of the other men I worked with at the bureau had been called in, besides Anderson though I wasn’t very close with him. Most of them besides Me, Anderson, and Morgan were already too old to be eligible, I envied them immensely.

The looks on their faces told me all that I needed to know. They looked like they were already ready to start planning my funeral. I was glad I had at least been given the rest of the day off so I wouldn’t have to look at their somber faces anymore. At least I’d also get to go home to them early. It would probably be my last day off in a while, maybe ever.

Morgan and I had been pushing to get funding from our bosses for a new department, along with a few others, especially that old timer named Rossi. We had a few working names, chief among them the “Behavioral Science Unit”. Our idea was to create a unit in response to the uptick of violent crimes- especially serial offenders and help catch them by analyzing their behaviors. Most of the bureau thought we were a bunch of cooks, they still viewed our idea to use psychology to help catch criminals as a pseudoscience. I had even considered quitting my position a number of times because of the rampant disregard for people’s rights by the director, J. Edgar. Hoover, who’s questionable investigations caused my stomach to churn regularly.

But, we were getting close to getting that first pile of cash to help us fund a unit and I felt a need to see this project through. It was too important of a project to quit right when we were so close. Even though the actions of the government made me sick, I wanted to help from within, I wouldn’t quit. Though in light of my new circumstances I wasn’t sure I’d ever get to see that pile of cash, let alone be able to name the unit. Maybe I’ll live to see what name they choose, if I get out of Vietnam alive. Though from what I had seen already from the people that came back injured beyond belief, I wasn’t sure if I wanted to get out alive.

Even though I considered myself too weak to be a proper soldier that could be successful in combat, I didn't have any viable exception to the draft and I wasn’t brave enough to dodge. I cursed myself internally for not going for another PHD, I had heard it was rather easy to obtain a waiver if you were a student. However, I felt increasingly guilty for thinking that.

It was a well known fact that the richer you were, the easier it was to get a deferment. And, even though I wasn’t the most well off I still would have been able to afford to get another PHD when many couldn’t even think about getting a bachelors. Plus, I wasn’t even sure what we were supposed to be fighting for anyway. In the last world war there had been a reason. It seemed like no one knew the reason for this one. Was it worth it to see all these men perish? I guess it was for the Washington elite.

As I boarded to leave to a country so few knew anything about or cared to know anything about, I couldn’t help but wonder if I’d ever come home again. The look on their face when I broke the news to them and their devastation when we had said what may be our last goodbye haunted me. They were smart, arguably just as smart as me, they knew I was most likely marching to my death. I hoped their devastation wouldn’t be the last thing I’d ever be able to remember of them while I bled out in a country I didn’t think we should be fighting against. I hoped I’d be able to come home.

—-

The only thing that was really keeping me going over here, where the sun was so hot I thought I would be incinerated to a crisp like those poor people in Hiroshima and Nagasaki was my hope. Though maybe that was the fear of being bombed by my own country and brushed off as “necessary casualties” talking, all in an effort to put down an enemy most of us didn’t understand.

I waited impatiently under the burning sun tapping my foot repeatedly while someone next to me kept talking. Any other time and at any other place I would’ve been talking just as much as he had. When I first got here and the only person that I had connected with in basic training was almost immediately blown to smithereens. I decided that forming relationships here was futile. It was just easier to keep my head down and hope for home.

It had been quite a long time since I had gotten my last letter, specifically from them. Most of the letters I ended up getting were from them, my mom sent some on occasion but because of her fragile mental health I had told the staff where she was to not tell her where I had gone. My co workers had tried too, mostly at the beginning though when it was somewhat assured I’d still be alive. I think they had lost hope that I’d return, though some had obviously thought that was never going to happen, probably on account for my obviously unathletic stature.

My significant other had been the only one who seemed to hold out hope, even sometimes more than I could muster. That’s why every night I’d look over the letters they had sent me, to help replenish the hope that had been drained throughout the days.

It had been so long though, since I had received my last letter from them. A sense of dread filled the bottom of my stomach over the crippling fear of wondering if they had moved on. I didn’t know how long I’d been here, I stopped counting after a month. Had they stopped bothering to count too? Was it no longer worth it?

“Reid!” My last name was barked at me by the man in charge who I only bothered to learn the name of because I didn’t know I would have gotten in trouble. He barked again at me, “Letter for you!”

My heart caught up in my throat. I hoped the letter would be from them, if it was from anyone else I’m not sure it would bring me any happiness- at least it would be nothing compared to the happiness letters that they sent me made me feel, even if only for a moment.

I scooted off quickly with my letter in hand towards the barracks eager to tear into the letter. I hadn’t flipped over the envelope yet, wanting to wait to see who it was from by myself so I didn’t show emotion in front of the other soldiers. I plopped down on the cot assigned to me, though it was so thin it might as well have been a wooden board. My fingers shook as I tore into the envelope rabidly, I needed to see the words written in their hand. I didn’t know if I could handle this letter not being from them.

“Dear Spencer,”

As soon as I saw those words written in loopy cursive on a creased piece of paper I always felt slightly better. The letter was filled with sweet words and flowery language that most people would scoff at, but it meant the world to me. I wasn’t ok by any means and I didn’t know if I’d ever be fully ok again. But the words ‘Dear Spencer,” made me hope I’d one day go home again.

—

When that fateful day came, it was surreal. It wasn’t until I was back home on U.S soil that I had processed that I was finally going home.

My heart pounded in my chest as I waited to be reunited with them- the streets were crowded with many people. It had been the happiest sight I had been able to see in a long time, people reuniting with their loved ones.

I couldn’t find them in the sea of happiness around me, it made me worry. The last letter I had gotten from them had been a few months ago. I clutched it in my hand like I had clutched onto my hope. I wondered if it had been too long since I had been home.

“Spencer!” My name being called, my first name, not my last as I had become accustomed to overseas. Relief flooded through my veins that had only known anxiety, dread, and fear for so long. I knew who it was instantly and I knew it was time to come home. Maybe they’d let me name the unit now that I was home.

——

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