#is this funny guys i don’t know anymore

[loservillepopulationthirteen]

It continues to get worse

Goon#2: I’m so sorry boss! I didn’t know they were a teenager when I sold to them!

Red hood, sighing: atp im not even angry anymore

Goon#3:thank goodness!

Red Hood: I’m just dissapointed. I thought after all these years…

Goon#2: OH GOD THATS WORSE BOSS! EVERYONE KNOWS THAT!

Red Hood: Do better

The goons: Yes, sir!

*after Red Hood leaves*

Goon#1: the dad levels are so strong!!!!

-

Some child: *in danger and scared*

Jason, seeing his child self in the kid (canon btw): hey, hey it’s okay *acts like what his kid self needed because the levels of projection and need for therapy are so strong on this one*

Goon#5: his dad insticts… they’re kicking in…

-

Red hood, walking in to see his ‘organization’ messed up: What are you doing?!?

Goon#3, whose desperatly trying to fix it: uhhhh

Goon#5: Goon 3 tripped over your copy of pride and prejudice while carrying stuff

Goon#3: I’ll kill you

Goon#5: :P

Red Hood: *distraughtly trying to find his book*

Goon#1: Heres your book boss! Saved it while everyone was panicking

Jason, who was borrowing it from Alfred because they do book swaps: your my favorite goon now

Goon#1: *victory dance as all the other goons glare*

-

Batman: I am-

Red Hood: not supposed to be in crime alley

Batman, giving big kicked puppy (???) vibes: the kids want to see you at dinner :( Agent A requested it

Red Hood: the ‘kids’ ruined my case

Batman: Agent A made cookies

Red Hood: …

Red hood: yeah okay i’ll wrap up and go home

Vengence in the night, the scourage of the villain, Batman: *pleased vibes*

Goon#6, already texting the gc: Red Hood dadded the BATMAN!!

Goon#2, replying: Can’t believe Red Hood was so mad he almost missed Dinner with his Kids…

Oracle, who can hack gcs and thinks this is hysterical: im about to do something really funny *discreetly sends more evidence of Red Hood being ‘Batman’s Dad’*

-

*Red Hood, about to order something when the tiniest Robin bursts into the warehouse during the middle of the day*

Red Hood, frantic: what are you doing here?!? It’s a school day!!! (Jason loves school)

Robin: tch… it was dumb anyways… just some dumb kids… they don’t even know how to fight

Red Hood: Do you want me to text B or cover for you?

Robin: … I do not want to go back right now

Red Hood: okay, okay… why don’t we go back to my apartment and drink some vegan hot chocolate

Robin: i’d like that

(Jason, in his head: man im a great big brother- i remember when dick would take me out during school hours)

Goon#4: Oh my god, how many kids does this guy have?!?

Goon#5: who even gave birth to that many?!?

Goon#3: maybe theyre adopted?

Goon#4: no thats stupid they all have the same black hair and blue eyed features

Goon#5: …

Goon#3: you can’t think like that about our boss!

Goon#5: I didn’t say anything

Goon#3: I could hear your thoughts

Goon#4: I thought metas werent allowed in gotham?

Goon#3: no thats just a rumor- wait i meant metaphorically

Goon#5: …

Goon#4: …

Goon#3: can’t believe all of you misunderstood my one sentence I bet boss never went through people horribly misconstruing him!

-

Red hood: *visibly tired that morning*

Goon#4: Rough Night?

Red Hood: nah, just my uh… family broke into my apartment to watch movies last night because I ‘missed movie night’

Goon#5: *nods sagely* children amirite?

Red Hood: *snorts* they definitely act like children

-

*Black Bat kicks Red Hood in the face*

Red Hood, writhing in agony on the floor: ow owww what was that forrr

Goon#1, sympathetically patting his back: daughters, amirite?

Jason, thinking about Lady Shiva: I guess?

-

Goon#2: Boss!!!

Red Hood: ?

Goon#2: I… joined a knitting club some time back after you told me to quit being high and get a hobby… and uh…

Goon#2: *shoves a knit scarf that says ‘worlds okayest Boss’ but the B looks a bit messy like it was supposed to be a D but the B was hastily changed later from somethinng starting with D(ad) to Boss* okaythatsitbye *runs away*

Red Hood: what was that all about???

Red Hood, staring at the scarf and tearing up: I’m so glad I’m having a good effect on the community

The goon squad, from afar: *wiping tears as they watch Red Hood’s reaction*

-

Red Hood: *sighs* so I’m experimenting with different recipes to surprise my uhhh greatest inspiration (alfred)

The goons: *listening intently*

Red Hood: And I have extras.

Goon squad: *cheering*

Red Hood, embarrassed: shut up or I’m giving them all to the alley kids and not you!

Goon squad: *rush to grab it*

Goon#2: oooh i love the peppermint one! Very christmassy

Red Hood: *snorts at christmasussy like the immature 19 year old his is that no one pays heed to*

Goon#3: Is there coffee in this one?

Red Hood: just to bring out the chocolate flavor- one of the robi- uh younger ones is addicted to coffee and I’m not trying to give him an avenue

Goon#1: You’re so responsible boss!

Red Hood: *shocked and happy as this is the first time anyones ever called post mortem Jason responsible*

-

*finally at the reveal*

Red Hood: I have… something to show you *takes off his helmet*

goons: *open staring*

goon#5: wow you look… young for your age!

goon#4: drop the skin care routine

Jason, in his head: wow they must mean the six months I was in the ground for I didn’t realize it was that obvious!

Jason, out loud: Lazarus water

Goon#3, been hired for some weird stuff before: *gasps* no wonder old men are so obsessed with it!

Jason: *snorts*

Will Jason ever realize his goons think hes some kind of immortal old aged man with a great skin care routine (goon#5)/vampire (goon#2) /wereworlf (goon#3) / cryptid old man (goon#1) /gotham pollution gone well (goon#4 who got booed out)

find out next time in- what do you mean i dont get to make a show out of Red Hood goons?!?

Imagine in the beginning, before Red Hood's goons figure out that he is a baby, they think he is a single dad of a bunch of kids, instead. And it is not like they are wrong, since he does parent all kids of Crime Alley, but they mean not them. They mean Bats, instead.

No one is sure how old Red Hood is. But they saw a single white streak of the hair once, so he is... old, right? And these Batkids, they always hang around him, whining and asking for something - surely, it is his kids? Right? That gotta be it.

Red Hood: Now, back to- Sorry, I need to take a call. Goons: Sure, sir. Red Hood: What... Oh my god, Red. What do you mean, you don't know how to wash the carpet without- Spoiled brat. Okay, listen to me, you first need to get a really hot water... Goons: That's definitely his son being in troubles.

(It was Tim, who accidentally ruined Alfred's favourite carpet. He was in big troubles that day.)

Robin, appearing on the doorstep of Red Hood's den: Scram. I am here to see Hood. Goons, staring at little Damian: Hm-m. Red Hood, pushing them away: Bad day? (Damian wordlessly raising his arms to be picked up by Jason) Okay. It is fine. Goons: Hm-m-M.

Nightwing, whining: You are so boring. Why don't you want to play Twister with us this Sunday? Red Hood, rolling his eyes: Shut up. Goons, overhearing the conversation: Kids, am I right? Red Hood: Huh?

Goons, watching Batman and Red Hood shouting on each other on the rooftop: Hey, do we think Batman is also his kid?.. Goons: (thoughtful pause) Red Hood, completely pissed off by his dad in the meanwhile: I am TIRED of you. Go back to your stupid ass CAVE and think about your behaviour. I don't want to see you AGAIN. Batman: But- Red Hood: OUT OF MY TURF. NOW!!! Goons, staring at Batman, who walks away sulkily: ...HM-M.

Red Hood, staring at the "Best Dad" merch, given him by his goons on his birthday: I am confused. Do they mean kids from Alley, or they view themselves as my kids... What does it mean? Uh. Whatever. It is kinda sweet. Red Hood, on the next day: Thanks, guys. Very thoughtful of you! Goons, high-fiving each other: Sure, boss!

[roc-haze]

Best Part | WillNE

In which Will and Y/N are friends, but should be more.

——

New messages on WhatsApp

Ugly Stepsisters

George: @Y/N I’d finish up early if I were you… Will’s shouting the next round

Y/N: Aren’t you guys filming? He’s probably getting his shout in while it’s tax deductible 🤭

Becky: The cameras have been off for a while. He must be feeling charitable

George: Funny that. He was about to throw a tantrum before I told him wifey was tagging along 🧐

Becky: I thought wifey was working late tonight

George: Yeah she can’t say no to a free drink though

Y/N: Tell Will to get my pint ready. ETA 10 mins 🫡

There were perks to having a full time job. Financial stability, career development, a valid reason to say no to going on your mate’s podcasts. However, there were also disadvantages - one being having to sit in an office all day while said mates drink their way through London.

Y/N had been working with a corporate insurance company for a few years now, having moved to London for a secondment that developed into a full time role. She had been introduced to the wider UK YouTuber group through George, who was a prospective client when The Useless Hotline began to take on employees. They had clicked instantly, and she had found herself spending most of her free time with Clarkey and Becky. While the two friends brought a sense of adventure and excitement to her life, Y/N was a breath of fresh air - a reminder that there’s more to life than an upload schedule.

“Y/N!” Arthur Hill had spotted her as soon as she walked through the door, pulling her into a tight embrace. “I’m so happy you’re here, Will thought you may’ve been working late”.

“I was planning on it, but I heard Will was shouting. I had to see it for myself.” She grinned as Arthur laughed, directing her to the table occupied by the group.

Y/N was met with a loud cheer, each of her friends taking turns to greet her.

“I was starting to think you’d never return from war,” Becky wrapped her arms around her friend. “I’ve been waiting for you to help me drink these fellas under the table.”

The two girls shared a giggle before being enveloped in a hug by their tall, brunette male counterpart.

“This is my second favourite kind of threesome” George sighed.

“I’m assuming the first involves Chris and Hill.” Y/N laughed lightheartedly.

“You know me so well.” George had grinned in response.

Y/N could feel a pair of eyes on her, cheeks heating up as she looked up to see Will making strides across the pub, glass of red in hand.

“We better let mummy go now Becky, can’t have daddy getting jealous.” George smirked at Y/N, both himself and Becky stifling a laugh as Y/N jabbed him in the side.

Her two friends disappeared behind her as Will approached, knowing looks on their faces.

“Hi gorgeous,” Will wrapped his free arm around her, placing a kiss on her cheek. “I know we typically do pints but they finally restocked your favourite red.”

Y/N resisted the urge to coo at the grown man in front of her.

“Come tell me about your day.” He grabbed her hand, leading her through the crowd of friends.

Y/N had spent plenty of time with the extended group - even once had a bit of a secret summer romance with Lux.

They were sat in the car in his driveway when he had ended things.

“I think Will knows we’re seeing each other, Y/N. I can’t bear to see that look on his face anymore.”

“What look?” she had asked.

“The you’re-my-mate-and-dating-the-woman-I-like look.” Cal had sighed, the frustration spreading over his face.

“I don’t care what anyone thinks, Cal. Pretty sure he’s dating people too.”

“If you really didn’t care, our friends would know we’re dating,” he said, head resting against the window. “I would love for this to work out, but I just don’t see it happening.”

Cal had conceded, no longer wanting to fight for her attention. There was just something about Will.

Unlike George and Becky, it had taken some time for his friendship with Y/N to blossom. It had taken many Thursday trivia nights at their local, but they eventually became inseparable. The two had slowly pulled away from big nights out, preferring to spend their Saturday evenings watching films and playing board games. Having escaped a hangover, they would often stretch their hangouts into Sunday morning for a quiet coffee run and visit to the local market. But lately, tension had begun to build - and it seemed like everyone had noticed. Except for Y/N.

Though she would never really admit it, Y/N had felt the shift in their dynamic. She was hyper aware of the way Will kept his hand on her back as they walked through the crowded markets. She would try desperately to suppress the dull ache in her chest when he would suggest heading home after a film night. It’s too late to drive home, Will. She’d be scarily still when he’d sleepily throw his arm across her torso, terrified to wake him as he lie next to her. Okay Y/N, I’ll stay.

Will had noticed the tension. He was just waiting around for Y/N to catch up. She was the most beautiful woman he’d ever seen. She stopped women on the street to compliment a smile, a hairdo, or the coat they were wearing. On the occasions she hung out with his production team, she had made a point to take an interest in their life outside of work. She would text Mikey various tiktoks, look through Ieuan’s film and help him choose the right stills. She was the missing piece of the puzzle… yet had no clue.

Y/N slid into the booth next to Will, the other half occupied by Chip and Sabina.

“I’ve been hanging out for a wine night,” Sabina reached across the table, gently squeezing her friend’s hand. “We’ve got so much shit to talk. I’ve been keeping notes for you.”

“Sab, give me a time and I’m there!” Y/N had opened her calendar, rattling off free days to the brunette across the table. Before long, the couple were off to the bar, leaving Y/N and Will sitting by themselves.

They settled into routine. She shared her day - her boss had copied her in on a million different emails, she spent the whole day in meetings and plastering on a smile - while Will listened attentively. That sounds shite. You should eat, you’ll feel better.

“I think my social battery is starting to go.” The thought of staying out late made her grimace.

“Let’s go home. Get a shitty takeaway and watch an even shittier film.” Will was stood, extending his hand for her to grab. They walk through the pub, embracing their friends goodbye and promising a late night over the weekend.

“She’s just tired, mate. Thought it’s time to head home.” Will stood talking to George, sympathetic smile spread across his features.

“And she needs you to tuck her in? Good friend you are, Lenney.” George smirked, watching a red flush make its way up to Will’s ears.

———

15 minutes later, they were stood outside her apartment fumbling with the keys.

She had entrusted Will to organise dinner, throwing herself onto the couch with no plans to leave it anytime soon. Will sat on her right, allowing her to rest her head against his shoulder.

“You know Y/N, this is my favourite part of these group events.” He looked down at her, tucking a stray stand of hair behind her ear.

She met his gaze. “I love catching up with everyone, but I feel like I wait around the whole day to come home to you.”

“You make it sound romantic.” She laughed, but with no real humour behind it. Just trying to cut the growing tension in the room.

“It could be. If you want that.” Will’s eyes searched her face for any sort of requited feeling.

She swallowed hard, adjusting her position on the couch to face him.

Her phone fell into Will’s lap as she gently brushed her hand over the top of his. “I do. Want that, I mean.”

Will moved to intertwine their hands, a loud chime coming from Y/N’s phone. He looked down, seeing a familiar name adorn the screen.

Cal: Can we talk? I miss you.

[diminuel]

seeing that ace/sabo post-marineford (maybe stinky child au??) drawing that you did just made me think of:

crocodile: who’s blond child is this? i was 75% sure that we only had 2 kids when i left

ace (age 9-10): my husband!

luffy (age 6): yeah! ace’s husband! he’s funny!

dragon (tired): his name is sabo, they found him in the trash and he won’t go home.

sabo (age 10): yeah because ace is gonna be my wife!

crocodile: don’t you mean husband?

sabo: no. wife.

*gigglesnort* Dragon's been dealing with these kids' shenanigans for a while now. Poor guy. "They found him in the trash and he won’t go home." X'D

(Also, about what AU that artwork is set in. I don't know anymore, up to you X'D I just draw things that appeal to me and I don't think too hard about the setting a lot of the time.)

[sturniololuvz]

Story idea: so reader is walking with the Sturniolos (they are siblings) and then they stop for a bit to go to the gas station but reader doesn’t want to go in so she sits out side the gas station and waits. Then this creepy guy in an old beat up truck comes out of nowhere and like forced her to get in but then the triplets come back out and help protect her. Hope that’s a good idea🫶🏼

okayyyy

“Wrong Day, Wrong Girl”

Sturniolos x sister

Y/N leaned against the wall outside the gas station, scrolling mindlessly on her phone while her brothers went inside to grab snacks and drinks.

She had told them she’d wait outside—she didn’t feel like walking in just to stand around while they debated over what chips to get.

It was a quiet evening, the sky just starting to darken, the parking lot mostly empty.

At least, until he showed up.

An old, beat-up truck rolled into the lot, the engine sputtering like it could barely keep running. Y/N didn’t think much of it at first—just another person stopping for gas.

But then the driver’s door creaked open, and a man stepped out.

And he was staring at her.

Y/N’s stomach twisted uncomfortably as he started walking toward her, his boots scuffing against the pavement. He looked to be in his late forties, maybe early fifties, with greasy hair and a scruffy beard.

“You waiting for someone, sweetheart?” His voice was rough, and there was something in the way he said it that made her skin crawl.

Y/N straightened, gripping her phone a little tighter. “Uh, yeah. My brothers. They’re inside.”

The man hummed, his eyes scanning her up and down in a way that made her want to shrink into herself. “Pretty girl like you shouldn’t be out here all alone.”

She forced a tight smile. “I’m fine.”

He took another step closer. “Nah, I think you’d be safer with me.”

Y/N’s pulse spiked. Every instinct screamed at her to run, but before she could react, the man reached out—grabbing her wrist.

“Come on,” he muttered. “Let’s get in the truck—”

“HEY!”

The gas station doors slammed open.

Chris was out first, his face twisted in pure rage.

Nick was right behind him, his eyes locked on the man’s grip on Y/N.

Matt, still holding a bottle of water, froze for half a second before dropping it and storming forward.

“The fuck do you think you’re doing?” Chris snapped, already closing the distance between them.

The man’s hand instantly released Y/N’s wrist as he turned to face the three very angry triplets now surrounding him.

“She with you?” he asked, raising his hands like he hadn’t just tried to force her into his truck.

Nick’s jaw tightened. “That’s our sister you just grabbed, you sick fuck.”

Matt took a step closer, his fists clenched. “Touch her again, and I swear to God—”

Chris shoved past them, getting right in the guy’s face. “You think it’s okay to put your hands on a girl? Huh?”

The man’s eyes darted between them, and suddenly, he didn’t look so confident anymore. “Look, I didn’t know—”

“Didn’t know what?” Nick snapped. “That she wasn’t alone? That she has three brothers who’ll beat your ass?”

Chris let out a dark chuckle, but there was nothing funny about it. “Get in your truck. Drive the fuck away. And don’t ever look at her again.”

The man hesitated.

Matt’s nostrils flared. “Now.”

That was enough to send the creep stumbling backward, muttering something under his breath as he hurried back to his truck. The second the engine sputtered back to life, he peeled out of the parking lot, disappearing down the road.

Chris was still breathing heavily, his fists clenched at his sides.

Nick turned to Y/N first. “Are you okay?”

She nodded, though her heart was still racing. “Yeah… yeah, I’m okay now.”

Matt gently took her wrist, his expression darkening when he saw the faint red mark. “That fucking asshole.”

Chris finally exhaled, raking a hand through his hair. “I swear, if we had come out a second later—”

Nick looked down at her, his expression softer now. “You sure you’re okay?”

Y/N nodded again, feeling the initial fear start to fade now that she was surrounded by them. “I am now.”

Matt sighed,

[mscherub]

Stupid friend stuff but Yuu making a bet with Ace, he can beat Deuce in Arm wrestling. Ace calls bs since he knows deuce is stronger, but the pc wins by confusing Deuce and forcing his arm down while he's distracted.

Loosing a Bet

A/N: Heyyy! Thanks for the request, I love writing silly things so you made me happy with this, and with this ur also feeding my favoritism towards Ace— anyways, this is in my usual second person POV perspective, it’s what I’m most comfortable writing in. With that said, I tried my best with it so I hope you enjoy <3

Tags: Fluff, funny, stupid stuff, friends

Warnings: swearing, bribes

Lunch was as busy and loud as it usually was with the table you sat at. Grim scarfed down his food in less than 5 minutes at the start, Ace got into some fight with a kid across the lunch room, Deuce is struggling with homework and not touching his food which Grim gladly helps himself to, and Epel, Jack, and Sebek are all being fairly normal. Grim keeps begging everyone for a small share of their food even after stealing Deuce’s portions, bugging them, and especially you, as he paws away at your shoulder, a pout on his face. You’ve been ignoring him for most of the time and you were trying to keep it that way.

“Heyyy, Henchhuman…go buy me s’more stuff to eat…” he huffs, moving to float in front of your face. “Can’t ya go get me something? Cmonnnnn…” he whines as he brings his face closer to yours.

You move back and you give a small glare as you set down your drink. “You already ate your food, you don’t need anymore—“

“But ima growin mage! Gotta buy me something so I can eat it and get stronger! The least my Henchhuman can do for me.” He huffs again, his tail flicking out of anger, but he knew better than most to test you. He sits back down with a small plop and crosses his arms.

“Here…how about…what if,” you look over at Ace who’s blatantly flipping off someone as they walk past, presumably one of the friends of the kid he has problems with. “I bet Ace can’t beat Deuce in an arm wrestling match, so if he looses he has to buy you another lunch. And if he wins…I dunno, I’ll let him decide.” You watch as he perks up at hearing his name and he gives you one of the most confused looks you’ve ever seen.

“The fuck do you mean by that…” He tilts his head.

Deuce looks over at you, then to Ace, then Ace looks at him, and then at Deuces arms. “No way I’m gonna verse him.” He rolls his eyes.

“So you’re just a pussy then? Mannnnn, I thought you had some balls, but this is just a new low, huh?” You rest your chin on the palm of your hand and smile at him. He bristles up at the words and he shakes his head in disbelief and against the statement you just had to provoke him with.

“I’m gonna get my arm snapped! No offense to Deuce but all the offense to Deuce, I don’t wanna even try that…I’d loose. And I’m no pussy— I just know when not to do shit!” He shakes his head even more, making an x with his arms.

“You had no problem eating that tart—“

“That’s different!”

“Hey, I said you can pick what you’d win, so at least think of that before complaining.” You quickly interject. He goes quiet again and he pouts at you. Just peer pressure him into it. You get a kick out of watching him loose and you also can get a quiet Grim. Win-win situation.

“Fine. You know what, I’ll do it. If I win, I want you to go over there and dump a drink on that kids head who’s been really pissing me off lately. So I don’t get in trouble for it.” He smirks right back at you and crosses his arms.

“That’s…a far stretch from what I said you’d have to do if you lost—“

“Ah ah ah, but that’s what I want. You said so yourself.” He wags his finger at you and points his chin up.

This guy…. “I did…fine. A bet is a bet. You loose, you buy grim another lunch, you win, I go and be rude to that kid. Is that it?”

He nods and seems proud of himself while doing so. There’s no way he’d win, I mean compared to Deuce, his arms are…skinnier, in the nicest way you can word it.

Deuce listened to the whole thing and he’s still confused, but when Ace offers up his hand, Deuce reluctantly follows along. Grim obviously wants Ace to loose so he goes over to the both of them and pretends to be the referee and watches closely.

Not even a minute goes by before Ace is already struggling. He lets out small puffs of air as his arm trembles, his other hand gripping the edge of the table so hard his knuckles are white as he tries to push down Deuces. It’s a sad sight, but he knew he’d loose, like he said so himself, so all you have to do is just sit back and watch the scene play out. You wouldn’t have to spend any other amounts of money on Grim’s food for today—

Ortho comes zooming in and pops up behind Deuce, Ortho watching the whole situation very curiously. He startles both of the boys, but in one swift motion, Ace pushes all of his reserved strength into slamming Deuces arm down against the table.

Silence. Everyone goes quiet and Ace just chuckles breathily before he looks back at you and smirks. “Let’s go! Now go do what I said. Since I won and all…can’t believe you didn’t believe in me! Now look! Hah!”

“Ok, hold on! That’s not…” you sit up quickly and put your hands on the table, leaning forwards in disbelief. “That doesn’t count. Ortho surprised you both so—“

“Ohhhh don’t pull this. Now look who’s the pussy. You too sacred to got get lil ol’ me some revenge?” He clasps his hands together and pouts at you, fluttering his lashes.

Wow. Just, wow.

“Like ya said so yourself, Prefect, a bet is a bet, no?” He chuckles even more.

“Fine. Which kid?” You mutter out as you swing your legs over the bench and stand up.

“The one with the brown hair. His name is…I dunno. I was paired with him in class and he’s just a huge dick. Go show him some hospitality for me.” He hums all happily like a literal school girl.

You grab Aces drink which makes him glare at you, but he doesn’t protest any further. You walk over to the guy and tap him on his shoulder before you dump out the contents into his hair and chuck the drink on the table. “Present from Ace.”

Bonus:

“Out of the time you’ve been here you’ve never done something as outrageous as this…” Crowley sighs as he looks down at his papers.

“What possessed you to do this?” He looks up at you again, his lips pursed, holding back many words he’d like to say.

“I…lost a bet.”

I hope it was close to what you wanted, and sorry it was a little shorter <3

Master List

Please don’t steal or copy any of my work! You may, however, reblog if you’d want to!

Pictures belong to Disney Twisted Wonderland but are edited by me :)

[intrepidacious]

step number one

summary: You haven't kissed anyone in a couple of years. Johnny's more than happy to help you out.

pairing: johnny storm x f!reader

word count: 1.8k

warnings: friends to lovers, making out (in the name of practice) please note that my blog is rated 18+. minors dni. ageless/empty blogs will be blocked without warning.

a/n: this was supposed to be my valentine's day fic but here we are. c'est la vie. hope you still enjoy this fluffy nonsense a week later 🫶🏼

masterlist | read on ao3

"You got any plans for tomorrow?" Johnny asks the day before Valentine’s Day, spread out on your bed like usual, his eyes not lifting from his phone.

You snort. "Yeah, right."

There’s something, you think, about the aggressively pink-and-flowers-and-chocolate aesthetic of this month that well and truly makes you want to throw up. 14 per cent discounts and coupley pictures and cutesy videos have been flooding your feed for the past week and a half, and with most of your friends neatly paired off as well, it’s like there’s absolutely no escaping the—

"Why not?" Johnny asks. "I mean, pretty girl like you gotta have guys lined up around the corner." The smile in his voice is sincere enough to let you believe he really does mean that as a compliment.

"First of all, ew," you reply, closing your app after yet another "date fit" video. "Second, the last date I went on ended with the guy leaving the country, so there’s that." Granted, you’d known about his travel plans beforehand, but still.

Johnny pushes up on one elbow. "Really. Coffee shop creep?"

You scowl at him. "Don’t call him that."

He’d been nice enough. Paid for your drinks and museum tickets. Hung his jacket over your shoulders when you started shivering. Yes, he’d also ghosted you and gone to Iceland, but it wasn’t like you’d known him that well.

You’d only gotten your hopes up too soon, like you always did.

"That was your last date?" Johnny says, attention fully on you now. "Wasn’t that, like, four years ago?"

"Five," you mumble, your cheeks heating. Almost six, but who's counting? "So, no, I’m not doing Valentine’s Day."

Being single is much easier, anyway. You don’t have to consider anyone else in your life; don’t have to wonder about what they’re doing or whether their family liked you or if they’re planning a three month trip abroad … huh. Maybe that one’s still somewhat of a sore point, after all.

"Why haven’t you gone out with anyone in five years?"

"I don’t know, it just sorta happened. Not everyone goes on a date with a new person every week."

"Gross exaggeration."

"Not really," you say, nudging his side with your toes. "Do you ever see those girls a second time?"

"Sometimes. Hey, when did this become about me?" He catches your foot when you make to poke him again. His smile doesn’t waver, but his voice becomes gentler when he speaks again, a little more serious. "I thought you want a relationship."

You swallow.

"I do," you say quietly. "It’s just … it’s scary. I don’t like putting myself out there, and I’ve been so busy with everything else. I don’t have time to worry about small talk or the fact that at this point I don’t even know how to kiss anyone anymore."

It’s a vicious circle, really. Wanting something serious while also being terrified of anything serious. And suddenly, almost without noticing, years have gone by and nothing has changed at all.

Next to you, Johnny goes very still.

Honestly, it’s not the reaction you’ve expected. Deep down, you thought he’d laugh, tease you about the fact that it’s been nearly six years since you’ve gotten intimate with anyone. Sometimes, you want to laugh about it yourself, even though at the same time, you don’t find it funny at all.

But Johnny Storm has always had more layers than people give him credit for; even you, sometimes.

"Do you …" His voice cracks and he clears his throat, staring at the wall behind you. "Do you wanna practice?"

You blink, heat rushing to your cheeks before you even understand what he’s asking. "Practice what?"

"Kissing."

…

Maybe your brain short-circuited. There’s been some misfiring in your neurons, mistranslating his actual words, because there’s no way on earth he’s just suggested what you thought you heard.

"I—"

"It’d be one less thing for you to worry about, you know," he interrupts, talking quickly. You’ve never seen him look at you this intently. He seems to realize from your stunned expression, and a shadow of his earlier smile softens his face. "Don’t worry," he says. "I don’t bite unless you want me to."

Your mouth opens and closes a couple of times, your heart pounding so loud you can hear feel it behind your temples. "I don’t know how to respond to this."

"Say yes," Johnny says. "We can just try it out. We don’t have to bring it up again after today, it’ll just be … preparation, you know? Step number one of getting you back in the game."

It doesn’t feel like a game at all, this suggestion.

The craziest part about it, though, is that you are seriously considering it. You stare at him, his pretty blue eyes and his cocky grin, and the earnest expression behind his nonchalant façade. No matter your answer, he wouldn’t judge you.

Besides, it’s not like you’ve never thought about it.

You’ve caught glimpses of Johnny kissing other girls one too many times not to secretly wonder what it would be like. To feel his lips on yours, the heat of his body pressed against you, your hands gliding over the short buzz of his hair.

It’s longer now, maybe even long enough to tangle your fingers in and yank.

"Fine," you say quietly, and watch his smirk falter ever so slightly.

No matter his grand bravado, he clearly didn’t expect you to agree. It’s sweet, the way he scrambles to sit up properly, not even caring that his phone drops to the floor.

"Yeah?"

You swallow, nod. There’s an excited blush spreading on his cheeks that’s kind of endearing but also makes you want to melt into the ground. The way he’s staring at your lips makes you feel aware of every single cell in your body. You can’t remember ever being looked at like this.

"Do you want to …?"

"I don’t know, can you just—"

His hand cups your cheek, warm and steady. He’s always so warm.

"Close your eyes," he says lowly, and they fall shut of their own accord.

You don’t think you’re breathing as you wait, your hands fisted into your blanket as if you’re trying to hold on for dear life. Maybe you are.

For a very long moment, nothing happens, and you’re starting to feel like you’re being ridiculed after all. Like you’re going to open your eyes to Johnny laughing in your—

His lips brush against yours, just a single, careful touch, lingering, testing the waters. You don’t dare to move, or breathe, or do anything but feel. Your mind is racing, even though you cannot catch a single coherent thought.

The sheets rustle, the mattress dipping as Johnny breaks the kiss, adjusting his position. His thumb is still on your cheek, a gentle caress.

"You in there, darlin’?"

"Yeah." Your grip loosens a little.

"Okay." His breath fans over your lips. "You wanna try again?"

You’ve barely started nodding before he dives in again.

This time, you’re a little more ready for it, moving your mouth against his experimentally. He smells nice. You don’t know what to do with your hands.

He pulls away again and your heart tugs painfully, but he only tilts his head the other way and goes back to kissing you, still so soft, so languidly, like he has all the time in the world. He makes no rush of deepening the kiss, which is so like and unlike him at the same time.

It’s you, then, who leans in closer, your tongue slipping into his mouth, your brain going in and out of focus with each shuddering breath as he responds fervently. His fingers move down to your chin, angling it just a little. One of your hands lands on his shoulder, seeking balance.

He tastes sweet. Dangerously addictive.

This time, you’re the one to move back, your eyes flying open, feeling like his fire has set your entire body aflame. "How’d I do?"

Johnny blinks a couple of times, staring at your mouth, his pupils blown wide. You press your lips together.

"Not bad," he says hoarsely. "Maybe a little …"

"What?"

"Come here."

He catches your hands, putting them around his neck. It’s an awkward position, the rest of your body still angled away from his until he raises an eyebrow.

You realize there’s two options before you, and you’re not ready to have him on top of you in your own bed.

Instead, you straddle his thighs, looking over his shoulder to not have to meet his eye. His arms fall around you, settling at your lower back, pleasurable heat crawling up your spine.

"This okay?"

You kiss him again.

He makes a startled noise against your mouth, tightening his hold on you as his head drops back, granting you easier access. Your heart is pounding so wildly in your chest it’s making you dizzy.

It’s the most natural thing in the world, to kiss him like this. To scratch your fingernails against the nape of his neck until he makes that sound again. It vibrates against your tongue, and you melt against him, his body hot and solid against yours. Even when you come apart for air, he’s the only real thing in the world.

There’s nothing innocent about the way your mouths crash together now. He swallows your surprised moan like he’s been hungering for it, his hands bunching up your shirt at your back. You shudder against him when he grazes bare skin, each new touch burning in the most delicious manner. You’re weightless, intertwined, content to never again draw a single breath that hasn’t fallen from his lips first.

His tongue slides against yours, tasting your mouth in a way that borders on desperate. You press even closer to him, your fingers slipping into his hair in that way you’ve wanted to for longer than you’ve cared to admit even to yourself, hips involuntarily stuttering against his until he groans, responding in kind to each push and pull.

Finally, after what well may have been hours, you come apart, your forehead pressed to his, chests heaving. You don’t want to open your eyes; don’t want to return to the aftermath of what you’ve just done.

"Go out with me."

You sit back. Johnny’s arms are still draped around you, and there’s a mesmerized smile on his face as he looks at you. "What?"

"Go out with me. On a date." His voice is rough and strangely hopeful, and it makes your stomach flutter. "I promise no small talk."

"You’re not serious."

"About you?" His gaze drops to your lips again. "Always." His nose bumps against yours. "Tomorrow?"

"Tomorrow?" You exhale shakily, dropping to a whisper. "That’s soon."

"Hmm."

"Maybe I should practice some more before then."

He smiles against your mouth.

thank you for reading my first full length johnny fic 😌 i'm sure it won't be the last. if you want to see more of my writing, check out my masterlist or follow @intrepidacious-fics for update notifications!!

[frodosrings]

i love ‘em

[suja-janee]

(Mostly) Harumi centric doodle page for a friend

[m1dnitefloat]

i couldn’t get this out of my head sorry (original)

[penelopesbaby]

Video is mine :3

I had to make this video in TikTok bc I couldn't find the audio ANYWHERE 😭😭😭😭

[ghoul--doodle]

What inspires/references do you use for your original designs? I'm always impressed with how unique each one looks!!

AUGHSSJD that’s really sweet of you to say thank you! But I unfortunately don’t really have any sort of process for my designs they sorta just

Appear???

Like genuinely I just

A guy pops into my brain and I have to draw them

I’m basically just coping directly what I can see in my mind’s eye- and I have no idea how my brain spawns these ideas they Just Happen

I get such a vivid picture sometimes that I don’t know what’s caused it or what’s inspired it I JUST have to draw the new cool dude who rotates in my brain

[lightyakami]

the funniest thing that’s ever happened to my psychology-wise is i signed up through one of the seventy two billion therapy services the canadian government was pushing during early COVID and the person on the other end informed me i was receiving divine visions from a god.

[bugisbonkerz]

not red guy’s old ass calling the key guy a child

[persephoneflouwers]

🫀.

[etoilelafleur]

Wouldn’t it just be like….soooo funny if I wasn’t here?

[marybatson]

like just a stream of consciousness thought rn but I don’t think I can ever peacefully read fanfiction based on hero comics bc it genuinely bothers me when people do a big cast scene and only get maybe 1 or 2 ppl who are obviously their only faves correct (close to it) in characterization bc they don’t bother to be respectful of the other ppl so just make them caricatures of what they think they’re like bc they’ve never read their comic in their life. genuinely breaks me out of the immersion. no offense if u don’t know anything abt a character except how they’re portrayed in like idk the animated movies and still write them idk what to tell u. maybe just care about the world ur writing for more js..