#is it my fault?
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thinking about how we used to talk vs how we talk now makes my tummy hurt
#i miss it#is it my fault?#im literally just a girl#this is what makes us girls#girlhood#sweet girl#tumblr girls#girlblogger#girlblogging#just girly things#girlblog#im just a girl#this is a girlblog#female rage#female hysteria
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Im so glad I finished the quiz when I did because my dumbass went and got sick, again, so now I gotta wait until my muscles don't feel like their melting so I can write shit again
#im dying#again#is it my fault?#yes#I ate like a peach and a biscut#then slept for like 11 hours#after having slept lke 6#had some noodles tho#fighting on#but i wanna write so bad#might ramble some drabble ideas for now
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I'm the one next to the shy girl. You know the story - Tale as old as time: "I don't want friends." "I don't need friends." You can't escape fate, darling, This story is about you. She sits there, brooding, In the middle of the frame. Alone, but her world doesn't feel the lack Like mine does. I'm sorry, i'm not supposed to talk about myself. No vast empty space Like a pit in your stomach Or if it's there, it will soon Be filled. In this story, every Jack has a Jill. They come up to her laughing, talking, smiling. "You're new, right?" "Wanna come sit with us during lunch?" Or maybe "We're in this group project together, right?" They're interested In her. She's interesting. What has she done to be interesting? She is just sitting there!! And yet "We live in the same street, right?" "Did you do that math homework?" "Are you coming on the field trip?" So many questions! They're asking Questions. They want to get to know her although SHE IS JUST SITTING THERE. I'm sitting there too. Right next to her, actually. But no one notices because The camera will never focus on me. This girl found her family and will be happy - Oh, it's so nice that the shy girl found friends. Everyone nods: That's how the world works. And i wonder: Are you all living in stories? Because there's one thing i can say for sure. I am not in a story. I'm the one watching it. And although i'm close So close to the shy girl that you might think i'm like her I will never Be seen by any camera. I have to claw my way to a place half as comfortable as hers. Because the fate in my world Doesn't hand out friends Like an author does.
#oops another personal poem thingy#needed to vent#the webtoon “school bus graveyard” made me write this#it's good but it made me so angry because -#is this how the world works for all of you??#is it my fault?#is there something wrong with me?#writers and poets#vent#personal#vent poetry#poetry#writeblr#vent poem#original poem#spilled ink#spilled poetry#spilled words#modern poetry#or whatever you call this messy spilling-your-guts style#possibly autistic#social anxiety#making friends is hard#found family#...is such a cool trope but also makes me sad because why is everyone finding their families except me huh?#(that's what the “found her family” thing is referring too - it sounds weird if you don't get that i think)
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My mom also said my 10 years of CSA (2 years old to 12 years old) was my fault. It was my fault that it went on for so long because I didn’t tell her. Her husband did it. We all lived in the same house.
#is it my fault?#he told me he would kill me and my mom and siblings if I told anyone#tw csa#tw sa#tw child abuse
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Vent
I don't want to bother you but I miss you so much can you talk to me? Please? We've talked a little but we haven't messaged anymore and I don't know if you feel guilty because of something that's going on but I don't care
I'd just like to do silly things with you again and talk to eachother, or just have some explanation at least. I love you
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Its a real struggle when you want to end it all but youre too much of a coward
#should I keep quiet and ignore or just give in and fight#or just let my other thoughts win and just go pick up a knife#tw self destruction#tw self h4rm#tw suicide#I just want to run away very far from here and never see this people ever in my life#is it my fault?#do I seek this or what should I do#god i cant stand this#maybe I am just acting like a victim
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cashier: ok that'll be $20
me (visibly sweating): ah, yes, of course! a perfectly reasonable price for a grilled cheese and a small smoothie! that was exactly the price i expected you to say when i ordered a single grilled cheese and a smoothie and my vision is NOT getting blurry as we speak! i am a perfectly normal temperature and my speech patterns are natural and even because this is the countenance of an individual who expected to pay 20 american dollars for a single grilled cheese and a smoothie!
cashier: where's all that blood coming from
#this is my fault moving to la#if anyone tells me to just bring food from home and stop eating out i KNOW#i'm BAD ABOUT THAT but i'm TRYING
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can't believe we're all adults being forced into the club penguin level of censorship in 2024
#ramble#if you say unalive in front of me i will personally kill you with my hands#you just can't muffle and censor and hold someone's hand through some things#some things are horrible. and they should be spoken aloud and they should upset you. because they are horrible#the second we started kidzbopifying the world was the end of taking anything seriously i think#i'm not even joking i've spoken to people older than me who won't even say the world sex#this isn't the playground you're not going to get in trouble just let us say the word!!!!!!#how am i supposed to listen to you when you won't even say the thing you're supposed to be talking about#yes this is the fault of the platforms with their censorship rules but the fact that we all just go along with it like it's not dystopian#you do know it doesn't stop with cursing right. people are already having to censor queer terms because they get flagged as inappropriate
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So, about that outage, huh
#crowdstrike#also I made it!! lots of people asking!!#blue screen of death#pour one out for the tech babes our team was on from 2A-5 and we're one of the lucky ones#all sync issues are tumblr's fault#it literally syncs perfectly on my pc ://#*i* thought it was funny
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okay,, but why?
why say that in front of me??
to make me jealous?
why?
why do you believe the best way to ensure my interest is to jab at my insecure heart?
does it make you happy?
does it leave you feeling fulfilled?
why?
who hurt you to the point that this is the path you take?
'the world is cruel,' yes.
you're 'only protecting yourself,' sure.
so you hold up a mirror, arms trembling, to reflect that cruelty? that pain?
why?
why do I have to suffer?
you're only passing the torch.
am I expected to reflect this torment onto others?
it's entirely fucked, because I probably will.
#original poem#poem#crush#self esteem#diary#shitty poetry#situationships#situationship#emotions#im pathetic#mind games#what the fuck#fuck this#how the fuck am i supposed to react?#fuck you#love?#pain#love? idk#poems on tumblr#poems and poetry#poetry#i threw this together in 5 minutes#as i do with all my poetry#why me?#is it my fault?#shitty poem#anger#limerence#this is going to end so badly
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I'm so tired of being sad
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I think so many people are so deeply alienated from themselves that they have no clue how to exercise their free will and autonomy. For some, this alienation runs so deep that they are afraid of their own autonomy and humanity. It is completely understandable why one would have those feelings, but it can be worrisome.
I want to help others who feel this way, so here are small things I have done to exercise my free will:
Add "guilty pleasure" songs to playlists and actually listen to them (I have a ton of late 1990s-early 2000s music I listen to now proudly that I never listened to in the past out of shame)
Getting the décor item, bath set, bed spread, ect. in the patterns you like, even if it's "childish" (I got a dinosaur-themed wastebasket from the kids' décor section and I adore it)
Taking a new route to get to a place you go to often
Eat dessert first
Celebrate well, and often
Collect things that are "odd" or don't seem like an "acceptable" thing to collect (somebody on my "for you" page collects dandelion crayola crayons and it was so cool!!!!!!)
Incorporate one new piece in an outfit you wear frequently (e.g., a new chain, a necklace, ribbons, bracelets, ect.). Challenge yourself to add onto the outfits if you feel up for it.
Sing along to songs without worrying that you sound "good" or your intonation is completely accurate
Read a book from a genre you weren't allowed to read as a kid (comics, thrillers, mysteries, anything!)
Walk without having a specific destination or goal
Pick up a new craft without expecting yourself to master it or to ever be "good" enough. Get your hands messy.
I don't want to shame anybody for not feeling as though they have free will or that they are exempt from exercising it. However, I wanted to give ideas so that you might read this list and find your own ways to express your intrinsic autonomy and will. You deserve to be a person, to feel alive, not just living. That is what our lives are for.
#mental health#mental health support#positivity#if anybody has ideas of their own definitely include them!#i just think being stuck with this feeling that you don't have autonomy and that you ultimately aren't an equal person or a person at all..#...in comparison to other people can be a really troubling and dangerous place to be in...#...and that isn't the person's fault for feeling that way. they didn't pluck those thoughts out of thin air...#...like i have felt that exact way all my LIFE because i have been abused for. probably 2/3s of my life...#...only within these past few years have i even FELT alive. frankly it's going to take a while to repair what i have been left with...#...so i know the feeling and i want to help others feel even a LITTLE bit alive. you deserve it...#...you deserve to take in a deep breath before slowly realizing 'oh my gd this is what it feels like to be alive' and SMILE about it#i want that for you even if it is brief. even if it is small. even if it is a whisper. i want you to feel alive#unironically getting rid of the idea of 'guilty pleasures' has made my life SO much better
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okay i thought i was kinda up to date on star wars but there is a whole tv show coming out in like 5 days that i have heard nothing about. and the cast is stacked with people i know. what.
#the acolyte#what was the promotion for this#im not even trying to be snarky im just baffled#that i didnt hear a PEEP about this untiil i saw a gif of amandla stenberg#is it MY fault?
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lighthearted.
if this comic resonated with you, please consider donating to this palestinian escape fund (vetted by @/nabulsi and @/el-shab-hussein) as it is less than $7,000 away from it's goal.
i turn 24 today. To celebrate, I made this comic to be a spiritual successor to lead balloon, a comic in which I talked about the darkest period of my life so far.
A lot has changed since my 23rd birthday and this one. My priorities have shifted a lot, in ways that I think are mostly good. But i think the best part about today is that suicide has gone back to being a far away notion. I'm really lucky, and I'm grateful for that.
#yet another largely personal comic that kind of only has real impact to maybe four people#it's crazy what a difference a few months makes#and a trip to the beach that makes you glad you're still alive.#the last page is just me drawing my friends and I as our respective art sonas#credit to my best friend for inventing the designs#i keep copying their shit but its their fault for always having good ideas#ugghhh i love the people in my life so much and im so thankful for them#one of my friends gave me a vintage camera for my birthday#im going to take so many photos i could paper my walls with them#thank you for reading#stillindigo art#stillindigo comics
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My sister and I have the same birthday and it’s cool because people will be like, “Oh, are you twins?” And I get to say, “No! I ruined a five year old’s birthday.”
#actually she was really excited that I was her birthday present#also I was two week overdue so it’s my own fault
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Something about this race feels so- different. I can’t place it. Someone help😭
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