#ironically this is for a blog post on our website but i get to look it over before it posts so maybe i can change some details

[vegaseatsass]

I had to answer a "What brings you joy outside of work?" question today and was like ummmmmm watching tv shows and getting intensely nerdy about them??? Then was asked can you give an example of a tv show? So I started talking about Thai QL and was like "yeah there's this one show Gap that's Thailand's first full-length GL and I take notes on it while I watch and then make Blog Posts because I love it so much" rip nobody from work go looking for my Blog Posts on my Blog named vegaseatsass where I say insightful things like "hehe Sam flipped her hair after fingering Mon"

[gaogaigoatgrrl]

i hope that in the wake of predstrogen/predesterone's back-to-back deletion we don't forget about the ongoing building wave of seemingly organic transmisogyny from the userbase leading up to it, some of which may or may not have been the result of terf psyops but all of which certainly wouldn't have been possible without the eager participation of a significant proportion of users, including but probably not limited to:

the entire concept of transandrophobia (if this offends you, think long and hard about why you want so badly for it to be real)

the ongoing backlash against the terms tme and tma (if they offend you, think long and hard about why they might have practical value to trans women and people with similar social positionality)

the ongoing trend of trans women's blogs getting flagged on the flimsiest of pretenses and generally receiving far more scrutiny for "adult content" than anyone else's

the seeming unironic revival of "baeddel" as a slur for outspoken trans women, on the basis of a long-dead clique that, ironically enough, self-applied the long-dead (and tbf, etymologically questionable) slur from the middle ages to reclaim it

the entire "trans women should be fucking trans men instead of complaining about transmisogyny" genre of post

the backlash when tgirls finally started calling out the aforementioned bullshit

the copypasted anons sent to several trans women (many of whom were lesbians) sexually harassing them and threatening corrective rape for calling out the aforementioned bullshit

the backlash when tgirls called the aforementioned bullshit sexual harassment

the expansion of flexible queer label use (which to be clear, i am generally all for) to include "afab trans women", muddying the waters and making transmisogyny harder to articulate

the backlash when tgirls started calling out the aforementioned bullshit

the aita incident in which a trans woman described a cis woman claiming to be a trans woman in a group chat and giving other trans women terrible medical advice based on no actual qualifications or experience, and got a huge backlash for warning them about the aforementioned bullshit despite the stakes of, you know, following terrible medical advice

everything from the sixth point onward happened within the past... week? two weeks? my sense of time is a bit fuzzy. who knows what the rest of this week has in store?

people on this website are so incredibly hostile to trans women even being able to name our own oppression, let alone resist it in any concrete way. and i know it's not just this website. don't you get tired of the crab bucket bullshit? holy fucking shit.

like, i've been lucky, i've overwhelmingly managed to dodge it (probably on account of frankly being a pretty boring and inconsistent poster). this time last year, i was actually bored that i didn't have anons in my inbox to argue with. but i've seen it happen to so many other women now, it's absurd. even if it never hits you personally, you can never shake the awareness that it's happening to so many of the cool girls on here, people you like and whose posts you laugh at and who you look up to. they just kinda seem to drop like flies over time. don't you get tired?

[mightyflamethrower]

Updated at 1:58 p.m. ET on August 14, 2023

In 2008, when I was a writer for the blog Feministe, commenters began requesting warnings at the top of posts discussing distressing topics, most commonly sexual assault. Violence is, unfortunately and inevitably, central to feminist writing. Rape, domestic violence, racist violence, misogyny—these events indelibly shape women’s lives, whether we experience them directly or adjust our behavior in fear of them.

Back then, I was convinced that such warnings were sometimes necessary to convey the seriousness of the topics at hand (the term deeply problematic appears a mortifying number of times under my byline). Even so, I chafed at the demands to add ever more trigger warnings, especially when the headline already made clear what the post was about. But warnings were becoming the norm in online feminist spaces, and four words at the top of a post—“Trigger Warning: Sexual Assault”—seemed like an easy accommodation to make for the sake of our community’s well-being. We thought we were making the world just a little bit better. It didn’t occur to me until much later that we might have been part of the problem.

The warnings quickly multiplied. When I wrote that a piece of conservative legislation was “so awful it made me want to throw up,” one commenter asked for an eating-disorder trigger warning. When I posted a link to a funny BuzzFeed photo compilation, a commenter said it needed a trigger warning because the pictures of cats attacking dogs looked like domestic violence. Sometimes I rolled my eyes; sometimes I responded, telling people to get a grip. Still, I told myself that the general principle—warn people before presenting material that might upset them—was a good one.

Trigger warnings migrated from feminist websites and blogs to college campuses and progressive groups. Often, they seemed more about emphasizing the upsetting nature of certain topics than about accommodating people who had experienced traumatic events. By 2013, they had become so pervasive—and so controversial—that Slate declared it “The Year of the Trigger Warning.”

The issue only got more complicated from there. Around 2016, Richard Friedman, who ran the student mental-health program at Cornell for 22 years, started seeing the number of people seeking help each year increase by 10 or 15 percent. “Not just that,” he told me, “but the way young people were talking about upsetting events changed.” He described “this sense of being harmed by things that were unfamiliar and uncomfortable. The language that was being used seemed inflated relative to the actual harm that could be done. I mean, I was surprised—people were very upset about things that we would never have thought would be dangerous.” Some students, for instance, complained about lecturers who’d made comments they disliked, or teachers whose beliefs contradicted their personal values.

Read: The real problem with trigger warnings

To a certain degree, Friedman said, this represented a positive change. Mental illness was becoming less stigmatized than ever before, and seeking care was more common. But Friedman worried that students also saw themselves as fragile, and seemed to believe that coming into contact with offensive or challenging information was psychologically detrimental. In asking for more robust warnings about potentially upsetting classroom material, the students seemed to be saying: This could hurt us, and this institution owes us protection from distress.

Have we inadvertently raised a generation that has fewer tools to manage hardship?

Trigger warnings were only one part of a larger shift. Complaints quickly entered the wider culture, and were applied to “toxic” workplaces and “problematic” colleagues; students decried the “potential trauma” caused by ideas and objected to the presence of some speakers and works of art.

My own doubts about all of this came, ironically, from reporting on trauma. I’ve interviewed women around the world about the worst things human beings do to one another. I started to notice a concerning dissonance between what researchers understand about trauma and resilience, and the ways in which the concepts were being wielded in progressive institutions. And I began to question my own role in all of it.

Feminist writers were trying to make our little corner of the internet a gentler place, while also giving appropriate recognition to appallingly common female experiences that had been pushed into the shadows. To some extent, those efforts worked. But as the mental health of adolescent girls and college students crumbles, and as activist organizations, including feminist ones, find themselves repeatedly embroiled in internecine debates over power and language, a question nags: In giving greater weight to claims of individual hurt and victimization, have we inadvertently raised a generation that has fewer tools to manage hardship and transform adversity into agency?

since my days as a feminist blogger, mental health among teenagers has plummeted. From 2007 to 2019, the suicide rate for children ages 10 to 14 tripled; for girls in that age group, it nearly quadrupled. A 2021 CDC report found that 57 percent of female high-school students reported “persistent feelings of sadness or hopelessness,” up from 36 percent in 2011. Though the pandemic undoubtedly contributed to a crash in adolescent mental health, the downturn began well before COVID hit.

Teenage girls report troublingly high rates of sexual violence and bullying, as well as concern for their own physical safety at school. But it’s not clear that their material circumstances have taken a plunge steep enough to explain their mental-health decline. The CDC study suggests that, over the past decade, bullying among high schoolers has actually decreased in certain respects. Today’s teenagers are also less likely to drink or use illicit drugs than they were 10 years ago. And even before pandemic-relief funds slashed the child-poverty rate, the percentage of children living in poverty fell precipitously after 2012. American public high schoolers are more likely to graduate than at any other time in our country’s history, and girls are significantly more likely to graduate than boys.

Jonathan Haidt: The dangerous experiment on teen girls

So what has changed for the worse for teenage girls since roughly 2010? The forces behind their deteriorating mental health are opaque and complex, but one big shift has been a decline in the time teenagers spend with their friends in person, dipping by 11 hours a week—a decline that began before the pandemic, but was badly exacerbated by it. Since 2014, the proportion of teens with smartphones has risen by 22 percent, and the proportion who say they use the internet “almost constantly” has doubled. Part of the issue may be a social-media ecosystem that lets teens live within a bubble of like-minded peers and tends to privilege the loudest, most aggrieved voices; this kind of insularity can encourage teenagers to understand distressing experiences as traumatizing. “I think it’s easier for them to artificially curate environments that are comfortable,” Shaili Jain, a physician and PTSD specialist, told me. “And I think that is backfiring. Because then when they’re in a situation where they’re not comfortable, it feels really alarming to them.”

Applying the language of trauma to an event changes the way we process it. That may be a good thing, allowing a person to face a moment that truly cleaved their life into a before and an after, and to seek help and begin healing. Or it may amplify feelings of helplessness and hopelessness, elevating those feelings above a sense of competence and control.

“We have this saying in the mental-health world: ‘Perception is reality,’ ” Jain said. “So if someone is adamant that they felt something was traumatizing, that is their reality, and there’s probably going to be mental-health consequences of that.”

Martin Seligman, the director of the Positive Psychology Center at the University of Pennsylvania, has spent the past 50 years researching resilience. One study he co-authored looked at the U.S. Army, to see if there was a way to predict PTSD. Unsurprisingly, he and his fellow researchers found a link to the severity of the combat to which soldiers were exposed. But the preexisting disposition that soldiers brought to their battlefield experiences also mattered. “If you’re a catastrophizer, in the worst 10 or 20 percent, you’re more than three times as likely to come down with PTSD if you face severe combat,” Seligman told me. “And this is true at every level of severity of combat—the percentage goes down, but it’s still about twice as high, even with mild combat or no obvious combat.”

In other words, a person’s sense of themselves as either capable of persevering through hardship or unable to manage it can be self-fulfilling. “To the extent we overcome and cope with the adversities and traumas in our life, we develop more mastery, more resilience, more ability to fend off bad events in the future,” Seligman told me. “But conversely, to the extent that we have an ideology or a belief that when traumatic events occur, we are the helpless victims of them—that feeds on itself.”

Seligman also found that some soldiers who experienced severe trauma could not only survive, but actually turn their suffering into a source of strength. “About as many people who showed PTSD showed something called post-traumatic growth, which means they have an awful time during the event, but a year later they’re stronger physically and psychologically than they were to begin with,” he said. But that empowering message has yet to take hold in society.

so what would be a more productive way to approach adversity? Friedman, the former medical director of the Cornell mental-health program, compares building resilience to physical exercise. “It’s like any form of strength training,” he told me. “People have no hesitation about going to the gym and suffering, you know, muscle pain in the service of being stronger and looking a way that they want to look. And they wake up the next day and they say, ‘Oh my God, that’s so painful. I’m so achy.’ That’s not traumatic. And yet when you bring that to the emotional world, it’s suddenly very adverse.”

The problem is that this idea—that to develop resilience, we must tough out hard situations—places a heavier burden on some people than others. Friedman pointed out that people who grew up under constant stress, perhaps owing to abuse, poverty, or food insecurity, may find that this stress is “erosive” to their ability to use those resilience muscles. The exercise metaphor rankled Michael Ungar, the director of the Resilience Research Centre at Dalhousie University, in Halifax, Canada. “Chronic exposure to a stressor like racism, misogyny, being constantly stigmatized or excluded, ableism—all of those factors do wear us down; they make us more susceptible to feelings that will be very overwhelming,” he told me. There are, after all, only so many times a person can convince themselves that they can persevere when it feels like everyone around them is telling them the opposite.Creating the conditions where resilience is possible is as much a collective responsibility as an individual one.

Tyffani Monford Dent, a clinical psychologist and an author whose work focuses on sexual violence and racial trauma, calls this “the resiliency trap.” Black women in particular, she told me, have long been praised for their toughness and perseverance, but individual resiliency can’t solve structural problems. From Dent’s perspective, young people aren’t rejecting the concept of inner strength; they are rejecting the demand that they navigate systemic injustice with individual grit alone. When they talk about harm and trauma, they aren’t exhibiting weakness; they’re saying, Yes, I am vulnerable, and that’s human. These days, patients are being more “transparent about what they need to feel comfortable, to feel safe, to feel valued in this world,” she said. “Is that a bad thing?”

Most of the experts I spoke with were careful to distinguish between an individual student asking a professor for a specific accommodation to help them manage a past trauma, and a cultural inclination to avoid challenging or upsetting situations entirely. Thriving requires working through discomfort and hardship. But creating the conditions where that kind of resilience is possible is as much a collective responsibility as an individual one.

if we want to replace our culture of trauma with a culture of resilience, we’ll have to relearn how to support one another—something we’ve lost as our society has moved toward viewing “wellness” as an individual pursuit, a state of mind accessed via self-work. Retreating inward, and tying our identities to all of the ways in which we’ve been hurt, may actually make our inner worlds harder places to inhabit.

“If everything is traumatic and we have no capacity to cope with these moments, what does that say about our capacity to cope when something more extreme happens?” Ungar said. “Resilience is partly about putting in place the resources for the next stressor.” Those resources have to be both internal and external. Social change is necessary if we want to improve well-being, but social change becomes possible only if our movements are made up of people who believe that the adversities they have faced are surmountable, that injustice does not have to be permanent, that the world can change for the better, and that they have the ability to make that change.

To help people build resilience, we need to provide material aid to meet basic needs. We need to repair broken community ties so fewer among us feel like they’re struggling alone. And we need to encourage the cultivation of a sense of purpose beyond the self. We also know what stands in the way of resilience: avoiding difficult ideas and imperfect people, catastrophizing, isolating ourselves inside our own heads.

In my interviews with women who have experienced sexual violence, I try not to put the traumatic event at the center of our conversations. My aim instead is to learn as much as I can about them as people—their families, their work, their interests, what makes them happy, and where they feel the most themselves. And I always end our conversations by asking them to reflect on how far they’ve come, and what they are proudest of.

That last question often elicits a powerful response. I started asking it because I hoped to let the women I met feel seen in full, beyond the worst things that had happened to them.

There was a time when personal strength was the quiver that held an arsenal of virtues required for our success in life. These days there is no quiver and there are no virtues. I've seen too many videos of girls reduce to tears over what they call microaggressions. The proper response to a micro aggression is micro annoyance not emotional collapse.

[blueberry-lemon]

Thoughts about social media's future

Not to sound too dire, but it sure seems like there's an uphill battle ahead for freelancers / creative folks on the internet. Platforms and audiences are clearly migrating over to short-form video and livestreaming. Platforms that were previously good at just being a good place for text or image posts are either crumbling under the weight of bad decision-making or have shifted priorities over to video. There are new platforms and niche platforms that ARE good for posting your work, but they don't have enough users on them to actually build an audience. In other words, if a platform is good for creators and somewhat calm/ethically designed, it might not accumulate enough traffic for you to be able to find enough people to keep your business afloat.

I don't know what the answer to all this is, if you're new and still trying to build an audience for your work. As the internet changes, and we change as people, it's possible that we will all just drift in separate directions and there won't be large centralized hubs for non-video posts anymore. I think, as a user, we'll all just find our own routines in our own little corners of the web. I can only really think of two approaches people can take, if they're worried about their freelancing or small business: Approach A: Embrace the new platforms and make short-form video, livestreams, or podcasts, etc. to accompany your other work. Approach B: Aim for an older / "more old-school" audience and make a blog, website, and email mailing list. Start making friends with other people doing the same thing and link to each others' sites, just like people did before social media. Or, obviously, do both. I know there's a lot of people out there who do freelance illustration, comics, music, etc. who don't want to do the song and dance of short-form video. I can relate, I have no interest in making short-form video either. In the grand scheme of life I don't know whether this is all a good thing or bad thing. Very bizarre to see things change so quickly in the past couple of years. I imagine that 5 years from now, the sites/platforms I visit will be very different. I also imagine, like a lot of other people, I will probably start LIMITING my time looking at social media in general. Even this fact (that we all might become more cognizant of our mental health and give ourselves less "screen time") might ironically also make it harder for freelancers trying to get shared. Lol.

[netherworldwritersguild]

Weekly Roundup April 28 2024

I've decided I don't want to spend $300 per year on a website builder, so I'll do a weekly roundup here for free on Tumblr.

Check out all the new books from indie and small press authors on Readers Roost.

If you're looking for a line/copy editor and proofreader for a project, click the cost-effective editing and book reviews link at the top of the blog. I currently have openings for new projects in May, but these close quickly. My contact information is in the post if you're interested in booking me for a future project.

The April PAD Challenge/NaPoWriMo are coming to an end for this year. I have poetry prompt posts to inspire you. I need to get my submissions ready for Soul Ink 2. The deadline is April 30. If you have poems you'd like to submit, head to the Dragon Soul Press website to learn more.

They are also accepting submissions for this year's horror drabble anthology with a deadline of May 31, and you can learn more about their forthcoming short story anthologies for this year and next year.

I've been working on a Lovecraftian fantasy fairy story starring my OG OC Yadira Root (Nyarlathotep's daughter with Queen Nathicana) and had been hoping to submit it to the Trickster anthology. However, if I don't think it's up to scratch, I'll submit it to next year's fairy-themed anthology.

You can check out my story (written as C. L. Hart) Of Outer Gods and Fallen Angels in the brand-new Fallen anthology. This is primarily a tale of platonic friendship, but there is also a star-crossed lovers arc.

Of course, there are many other wonderful stories in the anthology as well.

I almost forgot to mention that I've finished the A to Z Challenge for this year. Now I need to stop being a socially awkward little fucker and pay some of the other participants a visit. I also need to revive my promotional efforts. This year started off a bit shaky as far as my mental well-being was concerned.

Follow me here for updates and other good/weird stuff.

Ornery Owl Has Spoken

Free use image by Tamgra on Pixabay

[dirtybg3confessions]

Hi Mod Bug! It’s been a long while! Glad to see you’re still around, doing well, and keeping a pulse check on the blog! I’ll send you a link to the mod discord!

Now, let’s talk about "confessions". 

Obviously, the name of the blog is “dirtybg3confessions” so one can expect to find dirty and horny confessions about bg3 here. But, this is also tumblr and “dirtyxyzconfessions” is kind of its own subgenre of blog that tends to skew about 70% horny and about 30% just shitposting. 

Our confessions tend to trend more dirty (and for good reason- LOOK AT THEM) with horny confessions (both ironic and sincere) making up the strong majority of our content, but we do also get some general commentary surrounding the game. This can include Karlach reminding us of a terrible past roommate, pointing out that our traveling party probably smells, or even Ketheric Thorm’s uncanny resemblance to a political leader. 

This can also include commentary on “not getting it” about a character. 

Is this a dirty confession? No. But we’ve established that the “dirty” in dirty confessions is a pretty loose adjective.

Why do people submit these "confessions" anyway?

Mostly, to find others that feel the same!

It’s about community. Personally, when I am editing page after page of wanting to various ungodly acts to Gale Dekarios in the ask box and then I log off to face my roommate who also wants to do questionable things to Gale Dekarios- it feels good to find the one other person on this website who also looks at Gale and experiences the emotional equivalent of a sad trombone sound. 

But mod tri, I’m a person who likes x character!

Cool! Keep submitting confessions about them! Someone not understanding why people are into a certain character is not a reflection on people who are into that character, nor should you let it affect your enjoyment.  

But where’s my community?

For every one post that doesn’t get it about a character, there are SO many more that do. Check the tags! (Also, the one post not getting it probably inspired a PLETHORA of new asks about said character- so look forward to seeing that in 3-4 business months). 

So is this rule meaningless?

Do you post every confession you receive? We are the wardens, not the judge. We post 99.9% of confessions we receive. Your kinks won't get you shamed here- but being rude to other confessors will. It's all in good fun and some lighthearted teasing is one thing, but don't be mean (without consent, anyway). -DBG3 FAQs

This rule is the most important! The line between teasing and mean can be tricky and hard to define, so usually we look at the intent of a post. In the interest of fairness and checking personal biases, confessions that don’t immediately violate our rules are posted with an “innocent until proven guilty” policy. If there’s backlash or frustration once a post is added to the blog, we review it as a mod team and present it to a neutral party to evaluate if needed. 

Specifically, this post about Cazador comes to mind. It passed the initial mod screening and was edited, and when there were a few asks concerned about it possibly being targeted to a single confessor, it was presented to a neutral third party. Ultimately, it was read as teasing the moral compass of the community as a whole rather than calling out an individual and was left as is. To make up for it, more pro-Cazador posts were pushed closer to the top of the queue.

Regarding any public acknowledgement, it was decided not to make a post about what was generally a small amount of kickback. The blog had been largely a single active mod labor of love for a solid few months until right before this point (new mods added Dec. 2nd, Cazador ask Dec. 7th), and my policy (flawed or otherwise) had generally been “disrupt queue with non-confessions as little as possible”, and this philosophy had continued through this event. I do sincerely apologize to anyone who felt as though they weren’t heard. 

The tl;dr of it is that these "confessions" are not mean-spirited and make up an infinitesimal portion of our confessions.

While in the minority, they have value to the people who see them and think “SAME!” 

We’re a silly blog on tumblr. We’re here to make shitposts about a game that we all love.

If something isn’t your vibe or you disagree with something, there’s another 1,500 confessions for you to try.

It is not malicious, it is not that deep, just try and have some fun.

(not a confession) genuine question: Why do you guys publish asks that boil down to "idk why anyone would like to fuck this person they're boring/gross/weird and suck lol"? I don't want to act like I get to judge what does and doesn't get posted here but it seems counterintuitive for a blog that I thought was about embracing all the horny submissions no matter how weird or niche they were. Like I'm not into everything that gets posted on here but I'm all for people being open about their kinks and preferences. idk it just seems odd to sprinkle in submissions that are less about confessing stuff and more about questioning different peoples' taste

Hello, I'm going to take the liberty to respond to this (mod Bug), unless I'm uninformed, there is no real guidline for us on what to post and what not.

I personally haven't been active in a while cause I was busy, but I too saw what you're talking about and I also believe that this isn't the place for this.

Maybe the owner of this blog, the other mods and I could come together to make a plan for these things, as this really should be a fun place where people can share unhinged thoughts instead of potentially shaming other people.

Thank you for pointing that out!

[pazodetrasalba]

Edgelady

Dear Caroline:

What you seem to be describing as feelings talk in this answer to somebody else's post, who mentions 'emotional regulation wisdom', feels more like the typical pseudo-mystic self-help talk one encounters everywhere in general, and in Paulo Coelho's novels in particular. From the remainder of what you write, I guess this gets intertwined with the more conventional, usually 'women-coded', public manifestation of emotions, and with the perception (implicitly assumed in your lines) of its association to weakness and vulnerability.

Having been steeped into rationalism, it would make sense for you to downplay the purely affective. Same goes for the contrarianism, but not so much, I think, for 'being an edgelord', which I had to look up. There's probably a performative and theatrical element in this -after all, you seemed to have enjoyed LARPing a lot, and you have an entry where you mention the pleasures of role-playing self-centered and egoistic people, the worse angels of our nature. And if a certain Internet essay is to be believed, this is precisely what you did in the notorious 4chan website, 'shilling and fudding coins' there, role-playing and discussing controversial stuff and suffering the brunt of the most odious misogyny: 'I'm beginning to realize most here are not joking or being ironic... and its very disturbing how many are actual nazis'.

I also had to look up Mark Manson, even though I feel you have also commented about him sometime, in the context of 'good dating advice for men'. His direct and unsentimental bluntness comes through easily in the titles of his last two books (The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F*ck and Everything Is F*cked) and in their apparent thesis (life's struggles give it meaning and typical self-help books offer meaningless positivity which is neither practical nor helpful, thus improperly approaching the problems many individuals face), which sounds like quite reasonable and good advice. Finding meaning through what you find to be important and only engaging in values that you can control is a very ancient lesson that was already been preached by the Stoics, with some magnificent maxims by Marcus Aurelius. Also, the fact that Bukowski served as an inspiration for the writer endears him to me, as I used to enjoy the former enormously as teen.

Talking about writers, I started with Harry Potter and the Methods of Rationality last week - I am on chapter 6 right now, and not particularly impressed, but will still give it a fighting chance, as it is implicitly another of your book recommendations, so much so that you borrowed the title of your blog from it! "World optimization as world domination" sounds like you trying to be an edgelord again, and opening yourself up to all those uncharitable readings of ambition and nerdish revenge...

Quote:

I don't get the impression that very many here are actually racist.... the world is a Dark place and especially nowadays we face many struggles that can make us feel isolated and alone. Wayward Souls can find themselves looking for an "other" to blame.... race, religion, politics, these groups come in many forms. It's a form of venting. When we have deeper conversations with each other we often find we have more common ground than we realize.... we are all beings of Light living in a Dark world. It's so easy to forget that anon.

YHWH loves you

[writerwithtoomanyships]

Summary: The sides do a Secret Santa... fluff and mild chaos ensue

Pairings: Platonic DRLAMP, Dukeceit/Demus, Logicality, Prinxiety

Warnings: A little bit of self-deprecating thoughts at the beginning, and some Remus being Remus

Genre: Fluff fluff fluff!

Credit:

@multi-fandoms-posts - Thanks for the suggestion! I took some creative liberties but this is based on a suggestion they gave me.

@voltsm - Thanks for the encouragement! This person is an INCREDIBLE artist, I highly recommend looking at their amazing amazing blog!

A/N: This is the first Sanders Sides one shot I've written in a while, but I think it turned out well! Please don't repost on different websites, but reblogs are greatly appreciated!

Remus paced his room, growling in frustration. His mind wandered back to the conversation all the sides had earlier.

"Let's do a Secret Santa!" Patton had said, looking like he was going to burst from excitement.

Roman nodded enthusiastically. "That's a great idea, padre!"

"I'm up for it if you guys are," Virgil replied with a shrug.

"I do believe that doing a Secret Santa could be beneficial to our mental and emotional health," said Logan, pushing up his glasses.

All of them looked at Janus and Remus, catching both of them off guard.

"You'd really be okay with us joining?" Remus asked.

"Of course! We are famILY, after all!" Patton responded happily. Remus looked at Janus, who simply shrugged.

"I think the Secret Santa is an awful idea and wouldn't like to participate," Janus said with a small smirk.

"Why not!" Remus happily agreed.

Yet here he was now, flopping on his bed, and ironically out of ideas. He summoned something to eat, and wasn't sure if it was deodorant, a sandwich, or some ungodly abomination of both. At this point he didn't care.

He stared at the faint strip of paper labeled "Janus." Each of them had grabbed a paper from Janus's hat, and Remus had been pretty excited when he got the name of his best friend. Until he couldn't figure out what to get him.

"I'm CREATIVITY, and I've been his friend the longest! I should know what to get him!" he angrily muttered to himself. "Who am I kidding... I'm just intrusive thoughts."

"Hey Rem-" Roman said, rising up in his brother's room. He instantly stopped when he saw the poorly disguised bags under Remus's eyes. "...you okay?"

"Not really," Remus mumbled into his blankets, "why'd you come?"

Roman paused for a second. "Wellll I was having some trouble coming up with a gift for the person I got, so I was wondering if you could help. However, it looks like your having some trouble too."

Remus looked up at Roman, noticing the bags he had under his eyes as well.

"Creative block," they both muttered at the same time.

Remus laughed for the first time in days. "Wow, even the creativity gets it," he said with a teasing smirk.

"I think you mean creativities. We are both creativity, after all!" Roman happily replied. He began ranting about something he was trying to make, but Remus didn't hear a word.

Both creativity, he thought as he began to smile again, he thinks we're both creativity?

"Rem? Remus?" Roman asked.

"Oh, sorry! What'd you say? Remus asked, snapping out of his thoughts.

"What should I get Virgil?" Roman asked again.

"Virgil?"

"Yeah, Gerard Gay isn't the best at dropping hints at what he wants."

"Hm... what do you know he likes? Put yourself in his shoes. Or his-"

"MUSIC HE LIKES MUSIC!" Roman quickly interrupted. "He likes listening to music!"

Remus laughed a loud, full, laugh, making Roman smile and laugh a little as well. "If you were Virgil, what would you want?"

Roman pondered the question for a couple minutes, then suddenly shot up with an idea. "OH! I KNOW WHAT TO GET HIM! Thanks Remus!"

"No problem Roman, just remember to-" Remus began, then looked at Roman who narrowed his eyes in suspicion, "toooooo... wish him a Merry Christmas!"

"Nice save," Roman chuckled, making Remus beam. "Do you want some help figuring out what to give who you have?"

Remus sighed, mumbling a tired "I don't know," into his pillows.

"Hm... well just remember what you told me," Roman said, "what would you want if you were them?" Remus opened his mouth with a mischevious smirk, to which Roman added, "rule of thumb, if you wouldn't want Patton to get mad or pass out, don't give it as a gift." Remus immediately shut his mouth.

Remus sighed and groaned into his pillow, exhausted from having no ideas.

"Let's see... you can make things, summon things-" Roman started.

"Wait, summon things, like animals?" Remus asked.

"Of course! If you wanted to, that is. Although I'd suggest not making it lethal," Roman replied with a smile.

Remus grinned. "Thanks Ro, I think I have an idea!"

"That's great! Let me know if you'd like any help!"

"Thanks!"

Remus smiled to himself as Roman left, carefully working on his idea for Janus. He was certain it would be amazing.

~CHRISTMAS DAY~

"CHRISTMAS, CHRISTMAS, CHRISTMAS!" Patton excitedly shouted, waking everyone up in the process.

Patton had insisted on a sleepover on Christmas Eve, and none of them had the heart to deny the request.

Virgil yawned, failing to hide the small smile on his face as he noticed Roman stretch, hair messily falling down on his face.

"Nice bedhead Princey," Virgil teased.

Roman playfully glared, clutching his heart as if in agony.

"Why, Emo Nightmare, must you wound me like this? How could you DARE insist that, I, PRINCE Roman, have a-" he tilted his head back dramatically, causing him to see his reflection in a mirror and let out a very un-prince like squawk.

"I'll make the hot cocoa and then we can do the Secret Santa!" Patton exclaimed, rushing to the kitchen.

"I can assist you Patton," Logan offered, putting on his glasses.

"Thanks Logie!" Patton replied, making Logan blush at the nickname.

Remus and Janus slowly woke up as well, both a little excited although hesitant admit it.

"Well, this is not how I wanted to be woken up," Janus mumbled to himself with a soft smile on his face, oblivious to a blushing Remus looking at him. When he looked back and saw Remus staring at him, a faint blush spread behind his scales.

"Hey Janus, there's chaos and I didn't cause it!" Remus said, turning away to hide his blush.

"I'm not surprised, and I don't think you'll add to the chaos as soon as you can-" Janus began, only to see Remus already gone and probably eating something inedible.

After the chaos had died down (Roman brushed his hair and they dragged back Remus from eating Christmas lights), it was finally time for the Secret Santa to begin.

"Me first!" Patton said, rushing to grab the gift he had gotten. As soon as he found it he ran back to put it in Logan's lap. "This is my Secret Santa gift to you!"

"Do... do they know what a SECRET Santa is supposed to be?" Janus whispered to Remus who was sitting next to him, raising an eyebrow.

After taking a moment to collect himself, Logan carefully unwrapped the gift. Inside were multiple sci-fi series that he had been looking for.

"I knew you had been looking for those books, so I got them for you!" Patton exclaimed, voice nearly shaking from excitement.

For a moment, Logan was stunned into silence. However, he quickly recovered and replied with "t-thank you Patton, I deeply appreciate the thought put into this. I look forward to reading them."

Patton quietly peeped a quick "you're welcome," butterflies in his chest from the touched look on Logan's face. Logan suddenly turned back around, handing a small wrapped gift to Patton. "It's not the best, but I hope it's satisfactory."

Patton quickly looked up, momentarily caught up in the euphoria of gifts. He tore into the present to find a small, blue, crotche cat with a tiny heart on it's ear.

"Aww, Logan!!! This is purrrr-fect!"

Logan tried to roll his eyes at the pun, but couldn't keep a small laugh from escaping.

"Me next!" Roman sang dramatically, heading over to Virgil with a carefully wrapped gift and taking a seat next to him.

Virgil carefully opened his gift, slowly taking off the tape and removing the wrapping paper. Roman bounced up and down next to him, both in nervousness and excitement.

After what felt like forever to Roman, Virgil pulled out a dark purple set of headphones, with a black thorn pattern carved into them.

"Woah Princey... did you MAKE these?" Virgil asked, completely in shock at the care put into the headphones he held.

"Yep!" Roman responded giddily. "It took a lot of time, but I figured it out! The thorns were a last minute touch though. Oh! And they also block out other sounds, you had mentioned that your current headphones didn't do that a while ago."

Virgil, one of the most reserved sides, looked like he was on the verge of tears. "Thanks... I didn't realize you cared that much Roman," he said quietly, hiding his blushing face in his sleeves and gently leaning against him.

Roman gave him a soft, genuine smile as Virgil leaned against his arm. "Of course Stormcloud!"

"This is your present... it's awful compared to the headphones though..." Virgil mumbled, shyly taking his head out of his hands and giving Roman a shiny red bag with lots of tissue paper.

Roman being Roman, he quickly (and messily) opened up the gift, squealing when he pulled out a thin but elegant red crown. "It's a CROWN, put it on me, put it on me, put it on me!"

Virgil hesitantly put it Roman, who squealed impossibly louder after turning around and seeing his reflection in the mirror. "I love it!!!"

Roman hugged Virgil tightly, and after the initial shock, Virgil relaxed into the hug. To Roman's surprise, he stayed leaning against him even when the hug had ended. He didn't mind.

"Since it isn't obvious who your gift is from now, here's yours Remus," Janus said, handing a rather large bag to Remus.

Remus immediately tore into the bag, clawing his way in through the side instead of taking out the tissue paper. He gasped in astonishment when he pulled out a long, intricate sword, identical to the one of his logo.

"Woahhhh..." he whispered under his breath, admiring the sword. He looked up at Janus, a huge grin on his face. "Thanks!!"

Janus smiled, secretly relieved that Remus did enjoy his gift.

"I have your gift... I just didn't really have a way to wrap it," Remus said, a hint of nervousness in his voice. "So, uh, hold out your hands and close your eyes."

"Remus, is this something appropriate?"

"Yep!"

Janus raised an eyebrow but did as Remus had asked. A second later, he heard a collective gasp from around the room, followed by something placed in his hand.

"You can open your eyes now."

Janus slowly opened his eyes, shocked to find a small, yellow snake that fit in the palm of his hand. His eyes widened, and for a brief second his face shone like the universe had been placed in his eyes.

"You like it?" Remus asked.

Janus nodded vigorously, at a loss for words but as absolutely adoring the snake that slithered in his hand.

After opening the rest of the gifts, all the sides stayed together for a Christmas movie night. Patton was asleep on a dreaming Logan, and Virgil was asleep against a sleepy Roman who wrapped his arms around him.

"Hey, Janus?" Remus asked, yawning.

Janus looked over.

"Did... did you really like my gift?"

Janus smiled a true, genuine smile, reserved oy for Remus, and kissed Remus's forehead softly, making them both blush. "I loved it."

As Remus soon fell asleep against Janus, the slimey snake boi only had one thought.

Rigging the Secret Santa was definitely worth it.

[inhonoredglory]

I thought this needed to be its own post, since it’s a huge meta and I really loved writing it.

The following is my attempt to analyze the symbolism and staging of @tenyai​ ‘s impeccable storyboards to Douxie and Merlin’s farewell, in the final episode of Wizards: Tales of Arcadia.

Teny, your boards and the thoughtfulness, heart, and passion you put into them have legit inspired me to take up boarding as a truly narrative, imaginative, and character-driven art. Thank you for these and for all the love. Your skill and craftsmanship and sincerity of emotion come shining through in these arts, and it warms my heart and fills me with absolute joy. I’ve been in awe of your handle of cinematographic symbolism ever since you teased so much meaning out of the final scene in Killahead Part 2, and I’ve changed my entire view on how to analyze scenes and characters on screen because of it. I cannot wait to see your analysis of this scene. It’s rich and powerful in ways I cannot even express.

People, please go check out her boards on her blog and at her professional portfolio on the website in her bio!!

______

Waking up in Merlin’s Study

First up, parallelisms… Merlin’s study is the symbol of everything Douxie is aspiring to in his life. It’s the heart of Merlin’s knowledge, his position as a master and a wizard. It’s full of things Douxie is off-limits to (like the safe or the time map), as we saw in the second episode. He’s always been a student and an inferior in this room; that’s why he considers it an ironic Hell. But unlike in “Dragon’s Den,” when he wakes up in this room on the floor, scared and confused––here instead, he wakes up on the table, surrounded by Merlin’s books, Merlin’s knowledge. And he’s much more comfortable and relaxed. Symbolically, he’s not scrubbing the floor anymore as an inferior.

I almost want to say that Merlin’s tables represent the places where Merlin crafts and makes things––like in “History in the Making” when he is shown making the amulet over one of the tables in his study. But in this case, the person Merlin had a hand in crafting was Douxie. And being a father to Douxie, by saving him from the streets, is Merlin’s greatest accomplishment. He may have saved Douxie, but Douxie took on a life of his own and surpassed Merlin’s wisdom, in a way much like the amulet took on a foresight far more wise than Merlin could have ever predicted (choosing a human to be the Trollhunter, despite Merlin’s belief that a human wasn’t enough).

Walking to the Light

After Douxie wakes up, we get the walk towards the Light, with Merlin starting out in the Light and by the end of this scene, falling into Shadow. Symbolizing Douxie’s growth and perception of Merlin, and symbolizing Merlin’s position as Master Wizard of this realm and his willful relinquishing of that role to Douxie. At first, Douxie wakes up, thinking about his past in this room and all the service he did for his master––who in this shot appears as a hazy halo-ed vision speaking down at him from the unattainable glow: “Hello there, boy,” said with the kind of judgmental snide Douxie’s used to from Merlin.

Then they start walking and then we hit the window at the far end of the room, a kind of apex in the parabolic staging of Douxie and Merlin’s movement through the scene––with the arc going from the back of the room and the table, to the window, and swinging again to the back, this time from the right side of the room. Merlin’s dialogue when we hit the window is important. He’s first talking about how he’s dead and vaporized into soot, etc, and then he opens the time map and asks, “The question really is, Why are you here?” A charged, thematically rich question placed right when we see the mingle of blue and green light from the time map’s lenses––the mingling of these two’s lives through the ages, the summation of all Douxie’s insecurities and all Merlin’s expectations, all Douxie’s greatest mistakes and his greatest triumphs.

Why Are You Here?

Why is he here? At this point, Douxie’s finally let go, he’s accepted Merlin’s death, accepted the title of successor, accepted his gifts and powers and heroism. And he’s accepted that death is part of the job of Master Wizard if it means saving those he’s sworn to protect. So why is he here? Because he’s done everything and more that a true Master Wizard is supposed to do. He’s equalled Merlin, nay––surpassed him in heroism, wisdom, and responsibility. The mingling of the time map’s lights symbolizes that Douxie has achieved everything Merlin represented to him, and more.

And then Douxie touches the Light, looking out into the glow of the hereafter, saying nothing (I love that and makes me crave for his thoughts).

There’s something so fundamentally and chillingly introspective and metaphysical here in this shot for me. It comes on the heels of not only “Why are you here” but also “I am most certainly dead. You saw me vaporize into soot.” Cuz that’s what happens when we all go, isn’t it? You might be the wisest person on this earth, mastered all there is to know about life, become the greatest wizard, lived a thousand years and more, and still in the end, you will die, and to the dust you will return. Maybe Douxie’s thinking, Am I here because I’m dead too? Because my body is gone, because somewhere out there beyond the stained glass is the explanation of the mystery of what happens when we die? Because even if you master life, there is no mastery over death, because none of us will ever feel what it truly is to be on the other side until we get there?

Separate and Equal

Symbolically, with the lighting, it also means Douxie’s touched Wisdom/Maturity in a way. If the hazy glow of Merlin at the start was from this Light, from this Unattainable Essence––then by the time of this staging’s apex, Douxie has achieved what Merlin has. He’s touched the thing that he has sought for so long. He too can be framed by the Light of the person he wanted to be. So now, we see Douxie talking back to Merlin, and not being silent anymore.

Merlin and Douxie are on the same plane now––as equals. We get the vitally important shot of them side by side, Douxie laughing off Merlin’s disapproval, both of them framed by the Light, both of them standing on their own, balanced by the pillars and the light, each of them solid and independent, separate and equal.

Douxie’s Need for Validation

And then we get to the other side of the parabola, the shift in Merlin’s dialogue from disapproval to one of admiration and pride. “I can see you no longer need my validation.”

This line kills me, because you can see in Douxie’s face that yes, he does. Oh how he desperately wants it. But he’s worked so hard to NOT need it, so that he can grow and flourish. And Douxie falls back into that quiet again, waiting on Merlin’s every word, because his rebellious veneer is stripped right now. Merlin’s hitting on the core of his needs, the source of his insecurity. In the film version, he’s even holding his hands together in front of him, and if that body language means anything to me, it’s Douxie feeling small and childlike again, needing and wanting something from his Dad but not having the courage to tell him.

Staging-wise, Douxie’s still very much following Merlin. He’s behind him, chasing after him, looking up to him. The “ancient Draconic” stand-off was the first and most important show of Douxie’s growth, born from Douxie’s own gumption and sass, when Merlin for the first time in this scene walked up to *Douxie* instead of the other way around, even if it was to judge him:

But like any good hero’s journey, after one win, our hero gets a setback, a reminder of his failures, before he wins again. And this time, it’s Douxie feeling like this latest monologue from Merlin is again some kind of judgement, some kind of backhanded lecture. Would his show of strength and independence fall on deaf ears?

“Remember when I told you that magic is mastery over life?” Merlin says, holding up an alchemy bottle and then a book––tools of the trade, spellcraft and tricks. All the things Merlin taught him. In a huge way, Merlin wasn’t there for the real lessons Douxie learned to become truly wise. Douxie became strong and selfless and kind because he had to, because those were the ways he knew in his heart would take him on the path to reaching that wisdom of life Merlin was talking about. I wonder if there’s something to the fact that once Merlin starts saying, “Nine hundred years you’ve guarded this realm…” he puts the book away––putting away his own knowledge and symbolically recognizing that Douxie’s wisdom has taken him far past Merlin’s own teachings, and that in the 900 years that went by, Douxie has guarded this realm with a mastery of life all his own.

In the final version, the moment Merlin says, “You’ve disrupted time, freed ancient beasts,” that’s when Douxie drops his hands, stops walking, and looks down––a brushstroke reminder of his guilt on doing these things, things that Merlin disapproved of, but things Merlin is now seeing as good and right things to do.

And then we get to the shot of the amulet blueprints, and the wonderful crowning statement of Douxie’s morality: “You’ve… fought to save one life at the risk of countless others.” Meaning Jim, meaning the very person who inspired Douxie to take his selflessness that one step further and set aside his own life so that he could save everyone. Because every life is precious. I find it fascinating that on this line in the boards, Douxie silently fist-slams the table, disappointment all over his face. While Merlin, now in Shadow, has a look of wistful regret.

This shot is so pack full of meaning, and I keep adding to this interpretation...

Douxie for so long has been stripped down for everything he’s done, been criticized by Merlin for being different from him. In some ways, he thinks this latest monologue is more of the same, more ways in which he’s disappointed his father. And clearly, despite his growth, it still hurts him.

And it hurts him that while Merlin is talking about saving Jim’s life, Douxie never really was able to save him. Douxie died while Jim was still corrupted. He died only seeing Jim lose himself to the Green Knight. He never saw Claire’s heroism in bringing Jim back. Personally, Douxie failed.

But even more than that, it hurts him that for all his love for Merlin, he could not save him. He might give his life to save the world, but he cannot bring Merlin back from the grave. Every life is precious and he would risk countless to save just one. But he couldn’t save the one that meant the most to him.

Merlin recognizing he’s wronged Douxie

In the end, Merlin here isn’t talking Douxie down, even as he’s pointing out their differences. He’s in awe at this idealism Douxie possesses. He’s not criticizing him, he’s not being wry or ironic. Merlin looks up at the portrait, knowing that it wasn’t him who gave Douxie this outlook on life. It wasn’t his harsh treatment that gave Douxie his beautiful soul. Douxie had it all along, and Merlin was too dense to see it and nourish it.

So what Merlin says next hits even deeper––

“And yet, despite such relentless hardships…” Merlin’s looking up at the portrait. He’s looking at himself. He’s looking at everything he’s done to Douxie that’s burdened his son with that guilt, that insecurity, that fear, that emotional abandonment. He’s acknowledging here his part in the trauma of Douxie’s life, and his regret is that all this time, it was Douxie who was the better man than he was.

And then we get the symbolic shot––���Despite such relentless hardships, you managed to protect those dearest to you”––with Merlin in Shadow and Douxie lit from behind with the Light. A reversal of the opening shot of this scene, when it was Merlin in the Light and Douxie, unsettled, in the Shadow. This is finally Merlin laying down his ego, seeing in Douxie the strength and force of love and protectiveness he never had. The very thing Merlin didn’t do, when he didn’t protect Douxie all those years, when he let his son down, when he left him and ignored him and took him for granted. When he didn’t give the person dearest to him the love he deserved.

Resolution

And finally, it’s Merlin walking *up* to Douxie, Merlin falling in Douxie’s shadow, and Douxie being once and finally again on an equal plane with his master and peer. “My Hisirdoux, what a life you’ve lived. What a wizard you’ve become.” This is the climax of Douxie’s parabolic hero’s journey in this room. Merlin has at long last given to him what he desperately needed to hear––pure, unadulterated pride in his father’s eyes, and an honest and sincere expression of love, kindness, and emotion.

It’s too much for Douxie’s desperate heart, and he collapses into his father’s arms, releasing 900 years of pent-up emotions and need.

(Is that symbolically why Merlin’s always in armor and Douxie never had any––cuz he’s fragile and bare in the face of Merlin’s cold, callous exterior?)

After that hug (waaaah TEARS, every. freaking. time), we once again are treated to the Light symbolism. First again to show how equal these two men are––Merlin importantly a step down from his son, with the light behind Douxie. And then to show the time map, glimmering with a calm, peaceful, happy equality.

Life and Death

And now we’re in scene denouement, as Merlin and Douxie walk to the end of the parabola (past the first table and eventually out the door). Fascinatingly, in the boards, Douxie glances around the room and then his eyes I believe land on the table he woke up in earlier, before the scene cuts and we get a shot of that same table, panning up to reveal Merlin and Douxie facing the doorway to the hereafter.

And in my brain, it’s like we’ve come full circle in Douxie’s life arc. If waking on your back is birth, snarking about your tough childhood, and now after all you’ve gone through, you look back on that time at the end of your days, ready to face what comes after death…. (well, that’s what it means to me anyway).

Douxie’s fully prepared to leave the mortal world. That’s how far he’s come in his maturity. He closes his eyes, accepting the unknown and resting in the confidence of who he is.

The Hero’s Journey

But like any good hero’s journey, the end isn’t to leave the ordinary world with the boon of your new knowledge and wisdom. It is to return to your home and share that knowledge with others, to use what you have gained and become a teacher and protector for your family and community.

Merlin gives him one last lesson, one last parting gift to tell him, Hey, you have more power than you even imagine you possess. Your rebellious spirit made you who you are today, and it’s what will keep you alive and fighting because it’s your gift and how you protect the world. Your way.

Merlin’s parting sign of the horns is the cherry on top of this whole thing, a perfectly subtle way of Merlin acknowledging who Douxie is, accepting it, and celebrating it. Saying goodbye to his son in a language meant for him. Douxie’s tears at the end (wish they got into the final oof!) speaks volumes to his beautifully mingled emotions––amusement at Merlin’s gesture and a poignant love that he did it for him. I tear up just thinking about the look on Douxie’s face and what it all means in his heart.

Anyway, that’s a wrap, folks. I love Douxie with my entire soul. Thank you for sharing these boards, Teny, and for putting your heart and tears into this masterwork of a scene. (I listened to “Moving On” to write this for the Mood and guhh, it’s a tear-jerker gosh.) This fandom is incredibly lucky to be the recipients of your favorite sequence in your career to date. It’s been an absolute pleasure to see your work and feel the heart you poured into them.

[aita-collections]

This is <<<Gloria>>> I came across this post and I fele the need to clarify some. Sorry this is late. No @aitainfothrowaway I didn't chicken out, I just have a life.

You might wonder how I found this post. I'm a long time follower or aita Tumblr. Funny enough, I'm the one who introduced op to it. I did NOT expect her to make an account and send something about me fully knowing I might read it, she isn't a Tumblr person and I doubt she's aware she's in the nd website plus where I live ableism is commonplace too so uh I guess don't take her too seriously. I sorta framed it in a [haha look what I found it's called aita and it's interesting] kind of way cuz I didn't want to tell her I'm on Tumblr so she doesn't ask about my blog. Basically I doubt she actually sent this specifically to get on my nerves and suspect she just wanna vent. <<<Sorry for being the reason this was put on your dashes>>>

I knew about the og aita about our carpooling situation but I bited my tongue back then, I didn't want to start a fight and get in trouble with hr, good news is, I don't work there anymore so I can reply here with no consequence since op has no idea where I work. When I first read this post, I knew this situation sounded familiar but I wasn't 100% sure if op was my coworker, until the additional infos were posted, that is. Btw, I quit because op was actively trying to turn people against me and I couldn't take it, despite learning my coworkers didn't actually take her seriously and knew I'm not the kind of person she insists is. It was more for my mental health cuz I couldn't talk about this without having to be involved with hr which I didn't want to do for multiple reasons. I found a better job offer and I'm more comfortable now.

As many have guessed, I am indeed autistic; I struggle with interpersonal relationships and I do not have a regular access to therapy. I couldn't mention this at work because I could lose my job. You see, we're required to disclose this info which I didn't cuz I'm self diagnosed and they demanded a formal diagnosis for autism. Those cost an arm and a leg and they wouldn't even accommodate us so what's even the point, I dunno T_T

I do admit to have an issue with boundaries so I tend to stay formal so I wouldn't cross any lines, but that sorta gives the impression I'm "distant" not to mention my inherent resting bitch face which op was the only one who gave me shit for it at work. She wanted us be closer and wanted me to be more "open" and "comfortable" with her, she also said numerous times that there are no.. boundaries? between us (sort of a saying in our language to imply you don't need to ask for permission to do stuff, I don't know how to translate it well) which led me to accidentally crossing boundaries (went through her bag, a couple of jokes went too far etc)

I apologized for those and again after her outburst (while yelling at me after the incident with Maddy) and later she said she wasn't even mad and it wasn't a big deal, she even said it was okay if I did it again, for some reason. I didn't take her up on that, I didn't do it again. Yet she reported me to hr for them 7 months (!!!) after the fact just to get back at me for demanding she pays the money she owes me.

Also note, op is exaggerating about me having no friends. It was my first week at work when she joined us, of course I didn't have friends there YET. I wasn't opposed to the idea of befriending someone and I was over the moon she talked to me. She was my only "friend" at work for a while because all of my energy was focused on her. Ironically after we stopped being close I actually managed to have the time to make multiple friends at work who also helped me through the breakdowns caused by her.

I accepted op's offer to hang out with the intention of getting to know each other better because I tend to choose my friends carefully. I did get the feeling she was ~intense~ but I didn't figure out it was an obsession she had on me until I was told by my friend who I'll refer to as Eve [28F] Little did I knew at the time the truth about op because she never let me knew her real self or feelings until after a long time yet she didn't accept that I had my own pace and that I didn't consider her as a friend as quickly as she did which she thinks is ungrateful of me despite all the ~favors~ she did. I really tried to connect with her, I tried to find if we had common interests, but nothing. Whenever I spoke about an interest of mine, she never engaged with me, so I stopped talking about it and decided to ask her questions to get her to talk about herself, but she never engaged either. All she wanted to talk about was gossip. I should have saw it as a sign not to trust her, but my brain assumed she was doing that because she trusted me and I let her gossip even though it made me uncomfortable. Then she started gossiping about me to other coworkers and here I realized it was never about trust so I set the boundary of not wanting to hear her gossip about other people and enforced it (after we made up because obviously I was upset she gossiped about me) I assume this is what op meant by me putting more boundaries for spite.

About Eve. She used to work in a different branch, but was transferred to mine after a long time, she wanted to be closer to home. I had known op for 4 months at that point and she had been the only one I was hanging out with during them, but when Eve was transferred I wanted to hang out with her too, I was intending to introduce them to each other and hang out the 3 of us but op didn't take that well and accused me of hating her and abandoning her for Eve, which was weird to me because op is friends with like 10-20 coworkers but I'm only allowed 1 friend?

Funny enough, I didn't even distance myself from her the way she's describing. She just reads too much into whatever I say or do and takes it personally despite my clear communication. True example: I said "Having to work 6 days in a row is such a pain, I'll get tired." And somehow she victimized herself over it, reported it to the manager who dismissed it because obviously. And op confronted me about it 2 months later only to find out I indeed meant that literally and not whatever she understood. Imagine having to walk on eggshells because everything you say is misinterpret & taken personally? And when I asked her to communicate better next time, she promises she would but never does. She stopped talking to me not because "we had a fight about her being always late" like she said in her other post, I simply said "Ooh, you're here?" Because I thought she would be in her favorite place instead. She interpreted as "wtf get in the car instead of hanging out, you're making me late" when she wasn't even late that day and our shifts haven't ended yet?? She turned absolutely hostile after that and she still hates me for it. No matter what I said to explain I had no ill intentions, she didn't believe me that I said exactly what I meant. She's always looking for hidden passive aggressive.

I only started distancing myself from her for real after she told me we're not close. Multiple times she told me to know my place and that I'm not her sister or best friend. The first time she said that was when she got mad about the bag, which I accepted because that was my bad. But later it became sort a catch phrase for her whenever she wanted to dismiss me? She misinterprets my words and never seeked clarification? Yeah that's because we're not close, it's normal and expected for misunderstandings to happen. I started feeling she seriously wasn't interested in finding solutions for our issues or meeting me in the middle, and wanted me to guess how she feels. She's not interested in an actual friendship. Which is why I decided to be formal with her once again, not friends but strictly professional coworkers who aren't allowed the privileges trusted friends have with me. She got mad I don't want to be her friend anymore and once again I'm ungrateful, for the food, for the rides, for the "effort" she put on me.

<<<As for "Maddy", she's loud but that's about it. She doesn't "yell" her voice is just like that and I guess the urgency makes it sound like she's angry? The only time I heard her actually yell was when op was yelling at her and op was 10x louder. Even when I tried to get between them, Maddy didn't yell at me, unlike op which freaked me out because that's the first time I heard her yell at anyone. Also Maddy calls people saying "hey" which is rude in itself but there are around 500 employees here, I think she just doesn't know our names. I'm not saying Maddy is perfect, she could learn to be more professional but management like her because she's strict and enforces the rules, which is exactly what they want. The other security team are a bit more relaxed and don't enforce all the rules.>>>

Also, about our carpooling situation. <<<I'm aware my actions were easy to misinterpret but I was completely honest, plus op omitted several things. Truth is, when op asked for rides I set a very low price because the situation was supposed to be temporary, I thought a couple of weeks which didn't matter. What she had paid during this time was 1/4th of my gas costs. I was new at the job so I didn't have any plans outside of work, I wanted to spend the first couple of months trying to adjust (it was my first time working in shifts) so I was able to give her rides more than often. After that I started planning for hangouts, trips, family gathering and doctor appointments, which made it difficult to give her rides considered we both live in the middle of nowhere However op continued to ask for rides for a long and I agreed if only she understood I was busy and could only help her whenever I was able it. Around the same time my car completely broke down and I had to borrow my father's car, but its gas costed even more. The fact giving rides to op was more difficult and the commute needed more money, I was trying to find the right time to explain this to her that I'm increasing the price. Like I could have told her I wouldn't give her rides anymore but I didn't want that because I felt bad for leaving her without a ride whenever I actually have the time for it? Her only other alternative is Uber (no buses or subway here) and a single Uber ride costs about 22$. I really thought she'd appreciate riding with me for 2.5$ per ride and was baffled by her reaction, I also felt unappreciated.

Around the same time she started to wonder if I was distancing myself from her for this reason and gave me trouble for it, "vented" to everyone about it I was put in a difficult position. I only knew about the gossip after I had decided to raise the price, and it ended up to be the worst timing ever because the boundaries needed to be addressed asap. She didn't believe me also she admitted to not knowing math and didn't understand how I calculated the price, even though I explained it to her to a T, she was convinced I charged her more what was agreed on despite the fact I was giving her DISCOUNTS. She argued monthly but I doubled down because I though it was a fair price but I didn't argue until she started being late everyday which was in need to address, she got upset and stopped coming with me. Then she refused to pay because according to her she paid me enough and apparently I forced her in my car,, somehow? idk that's what she said and to this day I still have no idea what that means. I demanded the money not because I wanted them, but because she was going around saying I scammed her and I had to prove her wrong, and getting her to surrender and pay was the only way >I thought of.>>>

And for the record, I tend to match the other person's energy and volume. If I'm laughing loud, it's cus op is already doing that. And when she's angry she yells and slam doors and tables. I don't do that obviously as I don't have a temper and I think it's impolite and abusive. I only laugh out loud when I'm having a super good time and after reading this post, it's my first time knowing that I'm triggering her?? I thought she only hated it when people are yelling in anger, not laughing??? Also the "two-faced" comment I made had actual context for it. Op kept going out of her way to interact with coworkers she hated, claiming she's trying to mellow them out or something, and literally 5 seconds later she's bitching about them behind their backs. Multiple times and actually wanting them to "start a fight so she can be justified in fighting back". (Her words, not mine)

When I knew she talked about me behind my back I confronted her, thinking she hated me despite saying she loved me, and she denied it hard. I told her she's treating me the same way she's treating the people she admits she hates and called her two faced. She managed to convince me she actually liked me, but I continued to have doubts because to this day, I still have no idea what she likes about me. She never stated a reason actually? Like even my positive traits like honesty? She doesn't believe I'm honest in the first place. I was starting to feel she's using me for rides and I had to be strict with her. If she wants rides no problem we don't have to pretend we're friends for it, no need to go about it in such a way. I can just treat her as a customer instead, which is what I did after I stopped considering her a friend.

@am-i-the-asshole-official

AITA for being kind and civil with people who drive me insane?

So this is something that happens all the time and it's a pattern so to save your time, I'll only mention the one incident which that I got called out for several times, it's starting to make me think I might be TA.

I (34F) work in a grocery store. Maddy (???F) works in the security department and is in charge for looking through our grocery to ensure we didn't steal anything (our workplace is uncomfortably strict about this since many employees have stole in the past) She is very rude, I never liked her. She makes me so uncomfortable a lot because she yells all the time. At everyone. She never realized how offensive she is.

Anyway, sometimes I'd walk past her after my shift forgetting that I'm carrying grocery bags etc and she'd yell at me to get back there. It's always embarrassing because anyone who witnesses that would most likely assume I'm a shoplifter because of the way she's yelling. She yells about other stuff too mind you, don't think I always forget the fact I'm carrying grocery. They don't allow us to bring our bags inside and we have to keep them in our locker (according to her, I never heard this elsewhere). She yells at me if I try to take my purse with me if I'm in a hurry. She says it's ~the rules~ and we need to follow them but like, she the only security staff who's this strict about it. The others don't even bother to check our groceries because they trust we don't shoplift and it's actually stupid because we could still shoplift anyway and hide the items in our pockets and they don't perform a body check anyway (they used to in the past but were legally required to stop because of Covid).

How do I deal with her though? Every time she'd yell, I reply to her very calmly and attempt small talk to absorb her anger. For example, if she's angry about my grocery, I'd show them to her and ask stuff like "what is you favorite brand of milk/bread/egg etc etc"

She does engage but it never made her actually stop and think about her behaviors for a single second. I have always stopped to chat with her whenever I can and she always speaks calmly when I do, but returns to yelling when I "break the rules" as she says.

But here's the thing. My patience is limited. I'm like a battery, if you keep charging me, I'll eventually explode. I planned remaining civil with Maddy forever, but enough is enough and I accidentally lashed out. I lashed out on her ONCE only, I yelled much louder than she did, for 30 minutes, lecturing her about work etiquette. She was so surprised and taken aback. She told me "where did this all come from?" Like she didn't see it coming? She seriously mistook my patience and tolerance of her behaviors for friendliness. And that was the last time we talked, I reported her to HR the next day because I don't think she'll ever get the memo, and that's when I learned thst so many employees have complained about her already but they can't fire her because she an outsource and has strong connections in her company, management has already talked to her numerous times but she just doesn't listen, so don't call me TA for not communicating, it doesn't work with her.

My friend Gloria (28F) and many others including our manager (F30s) told me I should've not been chatting with her, I should just ignore her and disengage. They think the fact I'm talking kindly to her will just make her assume she isn't doing anything wrong and encourage her to keep behaving like that, and that she'd think I want to be friends??? None of that is my intention. I just want to be civil to her to indirectly get her to realize her behaviors weren't acceptable. I'm setting a good example for her, to learn from me how she should treat people and soften her heart.

I was called TA because they said I didn't have to be civil with her if I knew I might eventually lash out (but lashing out isn't something I planned??), and I should've just avoided her and set boundaries. Gloria told me it's an AH move to go out of my way to interact to someone I despise when ignoring them is an option and that makes me two faced and makes the people around me wonder if I truly like them or I'm basically tolerating them, but this wouldn't happen if I they weren't rude in the first place?

BTW a similar thing eventually happened with Gloria because her attitude sucked with me and I lashed out eventually because enough is enough, she said she should've known not to trust me because of how I treated Maddy and I shouldn't have befriended her if I "hated" her so much. AITA?

[peachyunjinnie]

— 04. https://sugarbaby.com  | bgc

bang chan/reader/ ― ft. hyunjin | a little angst, an introduction of every member | sugarbaby!au mafia!au

wordcount: 1k

content warnings: I decided that Lee Know will be a cocky dickhead, sorry!

― synopsis: through your urgent and acute need for any kind of financial income, you see the ad of a sugarbaby website. you decide to overcome your pride and hit ‘sign up’.

note: part four! i know i said it would be out on saturday or sunday but i had some time today so i wanted to post it today. enjoy!

⤿ taglist: @seungmins-sunshine​ @mikoto-ica-fics​ @britishvamps​ @thealert​ @mini-meanhoe​ @lilacyeonjun​ send a ☁ to be added or taken out.

blog masterlist

ɪɴᴅᴇx: ―   one - two - three - four - five - six - seven - eight - nine

© peachyunjinnie 2020. do not repost, modify, or translate.

He took off this blindfold and I could finally see a light. I couldn’t tell how long I was sleeping but this burn in my eyes from the lamplight was the absolute worst. My eyes could not get used to the bright light. With a short second, it became easier and I saw the outline of his face, his heart-shaped face, his blond hair, his cocoa-colored eyes, and his bulky nose. How he leaned against the table and looked down at me from above.

“Like what you see, Babygirl?” He smirked out, exposing his dimples.

“I will take off the handcuffs. If you do something dumb, believe me, It’s not going to help you here. Any kind of resistance is useless.” He had put his big hands on the cold and hard iron and pulled a small key out of his pocket. He shook the handcuffs a little and I was finally released. 

I stepped back and jumped off this desk I was lying on with this dress I was wearing for god knows how long. The long stare I was giving Chan was unbelievably cold, showing how much I was scared and disgusted by him and these other people. How they could just fucking take advantage of people in need of money.

“Hey, you can trust me. I won’t hurt you.” He stated and looked at me, avoiding every single move he made to approach me. With every step he took toward me, I took two steps back.

I shook my head, not wanting, and being able to listen to him. I did not want to hear his voice. I did not want to get close to him or even look at this kidnapper. Hot tears still running down my cheeks.

“Yeah, of course, I can trust you-” I immediately stopped talking as well as my sarcastic undertone. Trust, of course. I have to gain their trust to leave them. With their trust, I'm gonna dump these assholes and run. As fast as I can. But what was the quickest and best way to do that? By obeying this Chan and becoming one of them. I have to get into this system and consider myself part of this group. I have to think and act like there’s genuinely no big deal that they kidnapped me. Like I am thankful for what they did to me, that they are trying to help me in my need for money.

I didn’t walk backward anymore and just let him get closer to me. I couldn’t believe how close he has gotten and I didn’t even move a single muscle. As stiff and motionless like a streetlight. I couldn’t tell what he wanted to do to me now but I stood there. He came down to my level and smirked at my shocked and frightened eyes.

“It’s time for you to meet my members, Darling.” He took my hand and I squeaked loudly. My hand twitching in his big clutches, I felt so disgusted by his touch but at the same time. It’s the first act of affection I had for days maybe even weeks. I felt vulnerable and...weak with my small hands in his.

He took me out of this basement and yanked me upstairs. Pulling me by my arm up to the door. He opened it and revealed a beautiful and breathtaking kind of foyer, with a brown and white theme. White glass floor with a light brown couch and a humongous flat-screen TV. Also not to overlook where the 7 faces staring at me and condemning me from head to toe.

Chan let go of my hand as the others were looking at our intertwined fingers and raised their eyebrows. He cleared his throat as doing so and started to look at every single one of the boys, an obvious reminder to ‘be nice’ to this strange girl in a half ripped and dirty dress.

A boy on the sofa stood up and kindly approached me in small steps. He had blue-dyed hair and the chubbiest cheeks I could ever imagine on a person. He smiled at me and hesitated a bit for a second.

“Hello, I am Jisung.” They then continued to stand up and approach me slowly, one after one.

“Hi, I am Jeongin. It’s so amazing to have you here!” He seemed childlike and...cute..?

“Hey, I’m Changbin. Nice to meet you.”

“Nice to meet you, I’m Woojin.”

“Awesome, I’m Felix.”

“I’m Seungmin.”

And lastly, there was one single man on the couch, sitting there like a king on his throne. His legs open and spread to signal dominance and power. His arms on the sofa and the look at me. Unpleasant staring at my body, up and down. Scanning every single inch of my barely covered body. I felt the uncomfortable glare on me and his luscious lips form into a smirk. He raised his eyebrow and bit his lip seductively.

"The best is saved for last, I'm Minho but for you, I'm Lee Know."

[elisabeth515]

This is for @upbeatmeeting

It is a pretty long answer and I hope it’s ok😅

13: Any recommendations on reading materials/documentaries for the marshals?

I just assume that you have barely started to look into our marshal babies in detail and don’t know a single French. To be honest, the number of English biographies on the marshals, individually, is scarce and most of the books and websites in my list are more overall, brief biographies of the marshalate. (Ngl the marshals made me learn French)

Here’s my list—first, free resources!

I mainly find books from Project Gutenberg and Google Play Books, since they’re more accessible to me to read on mobile phone. Archive.org is also a great website for free books which you can check it out!

Here are some introductory reading on the marshals:

“Napoleon’s Marshals” by R. P. Dunn-Pattison (free book on Project Gutenberg)

“Napoleon and the marshals of the Empire” by Rufus Wilmot Griswold (free book on Google play books)

“Napoleon and his Marshals” by Joel Tyler Headley (free book on Google play books)

Here’s some first-hand resources written by individuals:

“Memoirs of Marshal Ney”

This is a series of works by Ney, published by his family in 1833. Great book for all Ney fans out there OwO (free book on Google play books)

“Military Studies by Marshal Ney”

If you are interested in Napoleonic tactics you should check this out XD (free book on Google play books)

“Recollections of Marshal MacDonald”

This was written by our MacMarshal in 1825; if you would like to get to know some first-hand experiences of the Napoleonic Wars, this is a pretty good account. In addition, you can get to know a bit about the author’s character through his words (volume 1 volume 2)

And then here are some other books on the Marshals:

“Marshal Ney - The Bravest of the Brave” by A. H. Atteridge

A very nice introductory biography on Ney which we have some excerpts posted here (just search through the tag #excerpts from babey book in this blog, I am going to post some more on Ney during the campaign of Russia)

The same author has written a biography for Murat as well, but I personally don’t really like it :p

“The Iron Marshal, a Biography of Louis Nicolas Davout” by J. G. Gallaher

Here’s a pretty nice English biography on marshal Davout, which you can also find the excerpts in the Davout tags (#louis nicolas davout/#savage edge lord) in this blog XD

“Bernadotte: Napoleon’s Marshal, Sweden’s King” by Alan Palmer (*available on Kindle Unlimited)

If you are interested in our trashy bitch, this bio is a nice one to start with.

Bonus

“Memoirs of a Contemporary” by Ida Saint-Elme (aka. My Story with General Moreau and Michel Ney);

This was an account written by an actress who had intimate relationships with general Moreau and marshal Ney during the wars. I had read this recently and found it rather entertaining. (Spoiler: what the bloody hell are those people saying that Ney was having an affair with that Ida woman???? She was LITERALLY PINNING AFTER MY LITTLE GINGER BABEY BRO MICHEL)

For documentaries, recently, Epic History TV has been making a series of videos on the marshals and you really should check it out because they are quite good. (I’m so much looking forward to see them talking about Ney—hopefully they will do him justice🥺😭)

Watch: Part 1 Part 2 Part 3

Last but not the least, besides me, we also have some very lovely people who posts a bunch of Napoleonic content here for this humble fandom🙈

Imma tag some here: @histoireettralala @joachimnapoleon @microcosme11 @bougredane @twice-told-tales

Thank you for your ask!

[belladoesmakeup]

Hey guys!

Today's blogpost is me in full on fangirl mode so brace yourself! If you know me well or you're new this blog you'll quickly realise how much I adore Taylor Swift! I have been a fan since I was 15, been to all the concerts, bought all the albums and watched her videos more times than anyone should.

Since she has started releasing the Taylor Version of her older albums (if you wanna know why it's easier to google otherwise I'll go on a 5 page rant), I have been finding more merch and fan pages through tiktok and instagram and it's been so fun chatting to people about their fav songs and just making more swiftie friends. Recently while browsing instagram I came across a online store run by 2 lovely people who make merch inspired by Taylor's lyrics! I hadn't bought merch in a while due to overseas shipping etc so I decided to check out their online store.

The Dreamscape Society sell the most beautiful sweatshirts which different lyrics from Taylor's albums. On their web shop they in a little introduction to their store "The Dreamscape Society is founded by two bestfriends (Lydia Ellis & Ronja Eriksson) who share a joint love and appreciation for all things pop culture. We believe merchandise shouldn’t cost a fortune, the dreamscape society creates affordable merchandise inspired by our favourite artists, tv shows and movies.".

I can honestly say they are the nicest people ever! When I was shopping their site I spotted a jumper inspired by the song The Way I Loved You which is my favourite from the Fearless album so before I ordered anything I messaged them asking about sizing and they were so sweet and helpful. I ordered my jumper in XL because I wanted it a little over-sized and it arrived over the weekend and it's perfect! The fabric is so soft and the size of the jumper isn't a long jumper that over-sized looks like a dress instead it sits perfectly on my hips and I'm so in love with it! The design is beautiful and considering these are homemade products the delivery process was really quick, they warn you it can take 3-5 weeks however personally I only wanted 3 weeks ( will vary based on your location) which was even better.

I am so excited to see what designs they come out with as the new Taylor's Versions are released. Ironically while writing this post I also ordered a gorgeous Wandavision inspired jumper so I'm really excited to get that in a few weeks too. If you are a taylor swift fan like myself you really need to check out their website which I'll link below and if you have any questions they are amazing at replying on their insta page which will also be linked below.

I adore small businesses and this is one I will happily order from again and again so like I said check them out because they are the sweetest people ever with amazing quality products.

Here is their website to see all the beautiful products they have to offer:

Lots of love

Bella x x

[dear--charlie]

Dear Charlie,

March 9, 2021

I’m back Charlie. A lot has happened since the last time I talked to you. The last time I wrote to you I said I was giving it one more week. I didn’t make it to a week Charlie. I tried, I really tried but I didn’t. They put me back in the hospital which is exactly what I was afraid of. For four days I was stuck in the unit with no resources, being medicated and forced to participate in group sessions that just amounted to a nurse telling us to do nothing except think happy thoughts as if we were the lost boys from Peter Pan learning how to fly for the first time. They put me in there against my will Charlie. I begged them for half an hour not to send me and they didn’t listen. They said I could either go in voluntarily or be Baker Acted. At least going in voluntarily meant I could get out sooner. I was in there on voluntary status, but it was anything but. I cried every night, planning possible ways I could use what was around me to succeed in what I so desperately wanted. My bed sheets were available but there was no way to hang them. Plastic fork could work if I really tried hard enough. Banging my head against wall? No, they would hear the noise and stop me.

It’s almost ironic, I think. They put me in there to express my emotions and get proper help but instead I’ve only learned how to mask myself better. How are you doing today Des? Oh I’m doing great! No more suicidal thoughts, I’ve gotten rid of all of my tools and notes and I am fully prepared to live this adult life waiting for me. I’m so much more optimistic for the future!

Lies. Bullshit. Playing pretend like a fucking toddler wearing a princess dress and walking around in her mother’s shoes. I’m not better Charlie, if anything I’m worse. Way worse. Is this what you felt when you were in the hospital Charlie? Stuck, drowning in the deep end of a pool with no way out?

They put me on new medication, a mood stabilizer called Lamictal in addition to my Abilify. I know I should give it a chance, and trust me I am. I’m taking both medications at the same time every day like I’m supposed to but really, more medication? This is the 5th medication I’ve been on in four years and none of them have helped. I don’t have high hopes for this one.

I still want to hurt myself Charlie. I’ve held out this long but the only reason is because my fiancé came into town to visit me after I got out of the hospital. But now they’re gone and I have nothing stopping me. I can easily hide them, and to be quite honest now that I’m in college no one really cares when they see them. I haven’t become confident in them by any means, but rather I just lost any fucks I had about hiding them. No one cares.

I’m sorry for all of the profanity I’m using in this letter, I know I usually am much calmer in my words but I am angry and tired and sad of and with everything. At myself, the hospital, my counselor and psychiatrist, even you Charlie. I’m angry because you’re not real. You’re not an actual person who can hold my hand and tell me it’s going to be okay, you’re just a blog on a stupid website that is becoming unimportant and insignificant. You’re supposed to be my friend. You’re a shoulder to lean on and an ear for someone who just needs someone to listen but you never respond. No one ever responds. All they do is like or reblog but they never actually take the time to consider what the person is writing about. I mean hell, I talked about committing suicide in my past letter and all it got were five people who hearted the post. Isn’t it funny? We all post on this blog about our troubles and turmoil and we read each other’s posts but no one ever stops to actually help. I’ve stopped in the past, when I used to fully read the posts but I will admit I’ve gotten selfish and lazy in my anger.

I’m sorry, Charlie. I shouldn’t be angry with you or anyone reading this post right now, you don’t deserve it. But I am so disgustingly tired of everything that my life is offering right now. Nothing is making me feel better and at this point I just want someone to talk to. Someone who will listen and actually respond without judging or thinking I’m attention seeking or looking for attention. I want and need a friend Charlie. An actual, real-life person to talk to. Not just someone on the other end of a hotline that I call and remain anonymous to. Maybe you could help me find that friend Charlie.

Thank you, for everything you’ve given me these past few years. We’ll see what happens in a few days from now. If things happen then I guess I’ll leave this at goodbye.

Goodbye, Charlie

Des

[hellomynameisbisexual]

5 Ways That Bi Erasure Hurts More Than Just Bisexual People

December 2, 2014 by Milo Todd

This year, Bisexual Awareness Day/Celebrate Bisexuality Day was on September 23rd.

That same day, the National LGBTQ Task Force thought it’d be a good idea to post an article entitled “Bye Bye Bi, Hello Queer,” in which leadership programs director Evangeline Weiss said “she is ready ‘to say bye bye to the word bisexuality.’

She said it does not describe her sexual orientation, and she encouraged readers to cease using the word as well as she felt it reinforced a binary concept of gender.

Let me drive that home a little more. The National LGBTQ Task Force not only thought it would be a good idea to publish an article insulting, misrepresenting, and forsaking the bisexual letter in their own name, but did so on Celebrate Bisexuality Day.

Rude.

And a fantastic example of the constant, ongoing erasure bisexual people have to deal with. This one just happened to be incredibly blatant.

What happened as a result of that article? People got pissed.

People got so pissed that the Task Force not only removed the article from their website, but posted in its place this non-apology (it keeps being referred to as an apology, but I’m not so easily pleased): “Having listened to a wide array of feedback on the timing and content, we recognize that this blog offended people. For this we sincerely apologize. It has been removed.”

In other words, “Sorry you got pissed off. Hopefully you’ll shut up if we take it down.” Which, as far as I can tell, isn’t much of an apology for a blatant disregard of an entire community of people.

Misunderstanding of the bisexual community has been the crux of biphobia’s history and the ongoing battle to erase bisexuality from the LGBTQIA+ community.

It’s a scary time to be bi, especially when your lesbian, gay, pansexual, and queer siblings and allies are calling for your blood simply because they’ve fallen victim to the mainstream agenda without realizing it. (Say what?! Jump to #5.)

It’s time for a change.

It’s time for all of us to properly understand one another and to — hope of hopes — become allies for our incredibly similar endeavors. To help initiate that friendship, I ask you, dear reader, to go through the following three steps.

Step 1: Look below. If I’ve played my cards right, virtually every reader should find at least one category with which they identify.

Step 2: Approach your designated section(s) with an open mind, an unprejudiced heart, and a desire to further enhance your own community/ies. It’s difficult for people to learn new things and see different views if they automatically approach them with resistance, which is often the case with bisexual topics.

Step 3: See how bi erasure hurts you as a person and, while you’re at it, likely hurts the people you care about. Because it really is happening.

So here are five ways in which bi erasure is hurting people of layered identities.

1. Female-Identified People and Feminists

Bisexuality is one of the only non-monosexual* identities currently recognized in the English-speaking world. If bisexuality is kept underground, it suppresses our limited, precious resources for open discussion about non-monosexuality. This hurts female-identified people and feminists regardless of their sexual orientation.

To this day, female-identified people can’t get a fair shake. Pay is unequal, birth control access is limited, and objectification is a daily thing. Non-monosexual women in particular are often not taken seriously because they’re seen as sluts, greedy, or unable to make up their minds.

Also, the general fetishizing of women is particularly intensified in the bisexual realm by (straight-identified) men, turning the very act of women’s sexual freedom, empowerment, and self-expression into nothing more than something for male gazes. (This is most often seen through the relentless prompts for female-female-male threesomes and masculine catcalls in bars when two femme-appearing women make out.)

By participating in or casually allowing bi erasure to happen, we’re ignoring the specific plights and abuses of bisexual women, thereby contributing to the ongoing problem of female inequality, objectification, and silence.

As feminists, we can’t pick and choose which women to fight for. The complexities of womanhood — and all of its cultural suppressions — are an all-or-none deal.

*Note: Non-monosexuality usually refers to someone who is interested in more than one sex or gender. (In other words, somebody who isn’t gay, lesbian, or straight.) Another way to say “non-monosexuality” would be “polysexuality” to help keep it from sounding negative.

2. Male-Identified People and Male Liberationists*

Just like with female-identified people and feminists, bi erasure hurts male-identified people and male liberationists regardless of their sexual orientation.

Allow me to make this pretty basic: Men continue to be fed the message that being gay is bad. Being gay means you’re not really a man, which means you lose your dude membership and the bulk of your male privilege. And since gayness equals the slightest shred of attraction to or intimacy with another male, all manners of bromance must be squashed.

In short, many guys live in a state of silent terror in this regard.

Bi men are afraid of being banished from the world of lady-loving, gay men are worried about losing all of their connections to hetero land, and nothing is worse for a straight man than being called a fag.

Constant monitoring, constant filtering, constant stress: Is this really the kind of world we guys want to keep living in?

By being able to talk about bisexuality — remember: one of our only non-monosexual identities — male-identified people can begin to break free from the masculine ideal.

Bi talk helps bridge the gap between being a man (straight) and not being a man (gay) and realizing, hey, having some manner of attraction to or intimate interaction with another guy is totally okay, masculinity unscathed.

Gay men can begin to regain their identities as men, bi men can finally start coming out, and “fag” will lose its strength as an insult from one straight man to another.

*Note: Male liberationists are more or less seen as allies to feminists and vice versa. Both will argue that patriarchy is bad, but while feminists talk of how it’s bad for females, male liberationists talk of how it’s bad for males. Examples include the inability to romantically or sexually love another male, the emasculation of men of color, and the physical, verbal, and mental abuse that comes from society’s expectations to be stereotypically masculine.

3. People Who Identify as Trans Sexual, Trans Gender, Genderfluid, Genderqueer, or Gender Non-Conforming

This one’s pretty easy. Some people on the trans spectrum identify as bisexual. But then they’re told they can’t or that it’s an insult to their trans siblings because bisexuality is believed to be trans-exclusive.

The problem with bi erasure is it adds to the ongoing problem of cis people — LGQ or not — telling trans people what to think. Cis people have a bad habit of thinking they need to speak for people on the trans spectrum even when trans people are quite capable of speaking for themselves. This is even more frustrating when it comes from a community supposedly meant to support them.

Despite the personhood for which they’re continuing to fight, trans people can receive backlash from the lesbian, gay, and queer communities as their identities and bodies are turned into political battlegrounds.

Sometimes, they’re used without consent by some cis individuals so that points can be made for non-trans-specific agendas, and sometimes they’re ironically used in the attempts for cis identities to help better the trans worlds.

For instance, automatically dismissing bisexuality as trans-exclusive and guilting any person on the trans spectrum that wants to identity as bisexual, if I may make so fine a point.

As blogger Aud Traher writes, “If you want to support trans people like me, don’t erase me or speak over me or cause me harm out of self-righteous biphobia. Look into yourself and deal with that internalized biphobia and then help others get over theirs. Don’t advocate for the destruction of a community in the name of ‘saving’ it. And, especially, don’t do it in my name.”

4. People Who Identify as Gay, Lesbian, or — Yes — Straight

Quite simply, it makes gays and lesbians (and straight people) look bad, too.

Bisexual people get a bad rap for apparently upholding the gender binary by saying they love only (cis) men or (cis) women, but isn’t that pretty much exactly what gays, lesbians, and straight people are saying when they identify as gay, lesbian, or straight? That they’ll only love either (cis) men or (cis) women?

But where’s their rampant backlash from the rest of the community for upholding the gender binary? I’m just sayin’.

Even when these groups extend their definitions to include trans people and people on the gender non-conforming spectrum, it’s often still as long as those trans people exhibit some manner of gender representation that falls into the lover’s category of desire.

Now, I’m honestly not trying to rag on gays, lesbians, or even straight people. They have as much right to identify how they want as anybody else. And there’s nothing wrong with feeling primarily attracted to only, say, cis or trans men if your brain simply tells you that you only like guys. That’s fine. Go ahead and do that. I’m not saying you can’t.

What I am saying is you can’t be spewing bi hate or letting bi erasure slide because 1) it’s incredibly one-sided and unfair, and 2) in the end, it’s making you look bad, too.

What do you think will happen if bi erasure is a success? You’ll be next, dears.

*cue Jaws theme*

5. People Who Identify as Queer, Pansexual, or Another Fellow Non-Monosexual

In late October, Lizzy the Lezzy — who I quite enjoy, by the way — shared a photo on her Facebook timeline explaining sexuality in terms of guests at a BBQ.

This would be all well and good if it didn’t include a glaring misconception about bisexual people, especially when compared to pansexuals. While bisexual people were defined as getting both hot dogs and hamburgers, pansexuals were defined as getting hot dogs, hamburgers, “and a salad.” Oops. What year is this again?

I’m going to make something very plain to you, dear reader: Bisexual people don’t just love (cis) men or (cis) women. That’s not how the ballpark definition goes. The “bi” in “bisexual” does not indicate a binary. Well, okay, it does indicate a binary, but probably not the one you think.

Instead of “bi” meaning a love for only cis men or cis women or otherwise putting men and women at two opposite ends of a spectrum, “bi” means a love for identities bisexual people identify with themselves and identities that they don’t.

Or, as the popular Robyn Ochs definition goes: “I call myself bisexual because I acknowledge that I have in myself the potential to be attracted – romantically and/or sexually – to people of more than one sex and/or gender, not necessarily at the same time, not necessarily in the same way, and not necessarily to the same degree.”

Look at that very closely. That’s still a binary. That’s still “bi.” And there isn’t a thing wrong with it, no exclusion to be seen.

When compared with the general concepts of pansexuals and queers, our orientations suddenly sound pretty darn similar: We love everyone.

Bisexual people get a bad rap for apparently being transphobic. While we’ve already seen a little bit in #3 as to why we aren’t, I want to further drive the point home here. A large portion of the transphobic accusations toward us come from the queer and pansexual communities, which in turn seem to derive from some serious misinformation and misdirection by the mainstream.

For the record, queers and pansexuals are cool. I like them. But the fact of the matter is that the misconception of the “bi” in “bisexual” as meaning an attraction to only (cis) men or (cis) women — and therefore upholding the gender binary — was created and imposed upon bisexual people by the mainstream. You know, the people that want the gender binary to stick around.

And some queers and pansexuals ate the propaganda they were fed? That’s terrifying. It starts to show just how large and sneaky the mainstream’s gender binary monster truly is.

By defining and erasing bisexuality on the grounds that it upholds the gender binary, pansexuals and queers are not only reinforcing the binary they so sorely wish to dismantle, but they are losing important focus on where the problem actually resides: the mainstream’s insistence to force the gender binary on non-mainstream groups such as bisexual people.

Further, holding bisexual people responsible for the abuse they’ve suffered is simply wrong. All that’s doing is blaming the victim. But, by recognizing and respecting bisexual people as they truly are, bisexual people can not only help dismantle the gender binary and put a new definition on the concept of the spectrum, but finally be allowed to team up with pansexuals and queers to crush mainstream abuse on non-mainstream identities.

Doesn’t that sound nice? I think it sounds nice.

TL;DR

Dear non-bisexual identities, please stop shooting yourselves in the foot and then wondering why you’re missing toes.

We’re here for the same reasons you are: for the right to love whoever we want and for the right for others to do the same.

So let’s finally be friends. We’re never going to get anything done if we keep spending our time putting each other down.

[theritualofourexistence]

[hyper]tension

There are so many things I could be writing about right now. 

I’ve chosen to stick with one of the things I know best for this post.

Did you guess “body image issues and the problem of narrowly defining the concept of health?” 

If so: a cookie for you! 

A handful of pictures popped up in my Timehop from 12 whole years ago that gave me pause the other day.

Sometimes when I see older pictures of myself I am overwhelmed by how different I look now... in a bad way. I see myself in those pictures as thin and beautiful and I see myself now as a sausage monster stuffed into bike shorts. 

The more I sit with and work on my body image issues, the more I have noticed healthier thinking habits developing. Let me be clear, this has been an incredibly slow process. But seeing those changes is something I am really encouraged by... and it makes the every day body image fight have some measurable value. 

I can say with confidence that, at 200 pounds, my body image is currently the best it has ever been.

That has nothing to do with the specific number on the scale and everything to do with working really hard over a lot of years to understand that neither “beauty” or “health” are inherently defined as “thin.” A fundamental pillar of that understanding is that you cannot separate mental health from the concept of general health. 

Mainstream culture does this. 

Mainstream culture wants you to believe that it’s your weight or your BMI that determines whether or not you are healthy.

That is bullshit. 

Here are the pictures of me from 12 years ago. We were moving my high school boyfriend into his freshman dorm for his first year of college. I don’t think any of the people in these photos will mind me sharing them in the context of this blog post. 

I am *THIN* in these pictures.

I am 17.

Apart from a very clear warning sign that I was already developing horrible posture, I noticed a couple of things right away about these pictures when I was looking at them the other day.

My shirt is a size small or extra small. 

I am holding my arm across my stomach in the fourth picture because I do not think I am *thin enough* to be wearing that shirt. 

I may have been a thin 17-year-old. But I was not healthy.

I was physically fit.

I played soccer for three out of four seasons of the year.

But I was not healthy.

I know I wasn’t healthy because I was about to embark on my senior year of high school during which I would, at times, only allow myself one and a half meals per day. Sometimes that one meal would be pasta. Other times that one meal would be a bag of dark chocolate peanut M&Ms and a Mountain Dew. Other times it would be a gallon of strawberries. Other times it would be a family pack of Twizzlers.

My body in those pictures might look healthy. 

But appearance is not an appropriate indicator of health. 

The two times in my adult life that I have been the thinnest have also been the times in my life where I have struggled the most with body image and disordered eating. 

After I escaped the abusive relationship of my freshman year of college, I gained around 20 pounds.

The following summer, I exercised for an hour every day and ate only pickles and Greek yogurt (separately, of course, don’t be gross). 

I lost 30 pounds.

That was also not healthy.

Fast forward a handful of years to 2015. 

I start an anti-depressant. 

Over the course of the next two years I gain around 50 pounds.

Today, in the spirit of full disclosure (and because the numbers don’t mean shit), my weight fluctuates between 190 and 200. 

I am obese.

A mathematical algorithm used to determine BMI has labeled me “obese.” 

My clothing sizes vary day to day thanks to IBS-related bloating but I’m somewhere around a 14-16. 

Do you know the cut-off for plus sizes? 

It’s 14. 

So, I am an obese, plus-sized woman.

The numbers aren’t very polite, are they?

Within the last two years I was diagnosed with severe iron-deficiency anemia.

I committed to correcting that with a number of lifestyle changes including taking supplements and adding iron-heavy foods to my diet. I took Vitamin C to boost my absorption. On days I took the supplement I had no coffee, no tea, no dairy, and no acid-reducer meds. In 6 very committed months, I resolved my iron issues, for the most part. We have since learned that the daily stomach medicine I take may be affecting my iron absorption so, although I am no longer taking supplements, I am taking a daily vitamin to help maintain a healthy level of iron. 

That story is about health.

I had a health issue and I developed a strategy to resolve the issue, being sure to consider my mental health as well. 

I have worked really, really hard to consider my HEALTH instead of my WEIGHT.

This obese, plus-sized woman exercises for around an hour every day. She does not drink alcohol or soda. She is aware of what she eats and is careful to eat when she’s hungry and stop when she’s full. 

One of the ways I know my thinking is healthier is that when I look at bathing suits on Target’s website, I have started to consider their plus-sized models “normal.” 

The average size of an American woman based on the most recent data is between sizes 18 and 20. 

I spent over twenty years unable to see an average-sized woman as beautiful.

Even though the clothing industry has labeled me “plus-sized,” if anything, I am “slightly less than average-sized.” 

In this post, I’m sure my thinking seems sort of piece-meal and disconnected.

In my head, thin-ness and health and body image and eating and exercise and cultural interpretations of beauty are all smashed into one big Frankenstein’s creation. 

For a long, long time I did not consider plus-sized or average-sized women to be beautiful solely because they were not thin.

When I was thin (and not healthy), I know that I considered people of that size, the average size, to be unhealthy.

I am at a point in my life where my habits are the healthiest they have been and my mental health regarding my body image is also the healthiest it has been.

And I weigh 200 pounds. 

You cannot look at a person and have any idea how healthy they are. 

You cannot look at a BMI or a number on a scale and judge a person’s health accordingly. 

I have worked with people who are suicidal who are thin and people who are suicidal who are not thin.

Health cannot be separated from mental health.

Can you be too thin? Absolutely. Your body needs a certain amount of fat and muscle to function properly. Can you be too big? Absolutely. Risks for all kinds of delightfully chronic and fatal conditions increase with weight gain.

Can you be big and be healthy? Yes. 

I know because I am those things.

If you exercise, if you are aware of what you eat and are careful to not over-eat, if you get the vitamins you need, if you prioritize balancing mental health and physical health, if you get enough sleep, “healthy” is within reach for everyone. 

If I ever write a book, it will be about balancing mental health and physical health. Because for basically my entire adult life, I’ve focused on one or the other and that does not work. I promise that if I do write a book, it’ll be better organized than this zig-zaggy blog post.

We have to push back against the cultural tendency to keep mental health separate from our definitions of general health. 

We have to push back against the cultural tendency to define health by how a person looks.

You are not “healthy” if you are not physically healthy.

But you are also not “healthy” if you are not mentally healthy.

And sometimes, especially if you have a tendency toward body dysmorphia or disordered eating, the healthiest option is not to focus on weight loss or buy into a fad diet plan. 

I am not trying to lose weight.

I am trying to be healthy.

And, you could argue, I’m not trying to lose weight BECAUSE I am trying to be healthy.

Trying to lose weight feeds mental illness for me. And that is not healthy.

This blog post is brought to you by a lot of years of working really hard to understand myself. My specific approach to managing my health may not work for you, but I challenge anyone reading this to take a moment and think about whether or not you are giving balanced consideration to physical and mental health. Because, even if our specific situations are different, balancing mental and physical health is the only path to being healthy. For me, for you, for everyone.

This blog post is also brought to you by a new health hurdle that has been laid in my lap over the past few weeks.

I have high blood pressure.

Chronic hypertension runs in my family, so I have a predisposition for high blood pressure. I have not been aware of having it at all in the past but thanks to my mom’s new blood pressure machine, I am aware of it now. 

Learning that I have high blood pressure instigated a bit of a breakdown. 

For a lot of the reasons I have already mentioned.

I’m working really hard to be healthy by balancing my mental and physical health. So why, if both those things are headed in the right direction, does my body not seem to agree?

Well, genetics will do that.

In the name of health, I scheduled an appointment with my doctor. We talked about the typical “lifestyle changes” that would be recommended for someone my age with high blood pressure.

I am already doing all of them. 

There are things I cannot control, however, that are affecting my mental health right now. I am carrying a lot of stress about the upcoming election. I am carrying a lot of stress about Black people being disproportionately arrested, charged, jailed, and killed by police as part of a system of oppression that I would very much like to have a part in dismantling. I am carrying a lot of stress about the pandemic that has killed 170,000 Americans. I have spent 7-8 years learning how to manage my stress. Those tools were not intended to work in situations like this.

So, my doctor and I made a plan to monitor my blood pressure, to try do more meditation and progressive relaxation, to eliminate processed snacks from my everyday diet (on occasion is still allowed), and to start doing some basic weight exercises with my cardio. 

Blood pressure is a really good example of why a healthy approach requires balancing mental and physical health. 

I’ve checked the physical health boxes for blood pressure management. 

And things beyond my control are preventing me from checking the mental health boxes for blood pressure management.

And also, genetics.

With the help of my doctor, I’ve developed a plan that considers both my physical and mental health and only time will tell if that has an impact on my blood pressure. For what it’s worth, my doctor is optimistic. Part of the reason my doctor is optimistic is because I am healthy.

To clarify, being healthy does not mean that my IBS has gone away, it just means I am treating my IBS with diet and medicine. 

Being healthy does not mean my anxiety has gone away, it just means I am in control of my anxiety.

I would not be healthy if I was unable to manage my IBS. 

But I would also not be healthy if I was unable to manage my anxiety. 

I would not be healthy if I had not figured out the value of balancing physical and mental health. 

Just like I found a way to overcome my iron-deficiency anemia, I will find a way to overcome my high blood pressure. It may require new medication and lifestyle changes, but by giving adequate consideration to both my physical and mental health, I have no doubt that I will eventually find a healthy solution to push myself over this hurdle as well.

Gonna wrap this up with a poor quality mirror-selfie I took this morning when I tried on a new bathing suit. This is a (headless) picture of a 200-pound, obese, plus-sized, healthy person.