#intimacy anorexia

[gatheringbones]

[“Sometimes, the abuse is so subtle that we fail to notice it. Sarcasm, ridicule, teasing, “kidding,” or continual criticism, for instance, starts to feel less like abuse and more like a part of the background noise. Sometimes one partner does not meet the other’s needs, but since he also does not do anything major to upset the apple cart, Adam and Eve go on in the relationship without thinking of options such as change or separation: He will never be so bad that you will leave him but never so good that he will satisfy you. In either case, we may fool ourselves into hoping for change rather than working for it.

If hope doesn’t include a plan for change, it is actually hopelessness and avoidance of change. What we do not change, we choose. Is this the message we get from the partner of our distress: “Stay with me and I won’t give you what you want,” or “Come back and I still won’t give you what you want”? We cannot be fooled forever. One day we allow ourselves to know and then take action.

Emily Dickinson, in her poem “’Tis not that dying hurts us so,” compares two kinds of birds in Massachusetts, those that stay the winter and those that migrate to warmer climes. She then says: “We are the birds that stay.” To be “the birds that stay” in wintry New England when wisdom would send us to Mexico is a cruel fate to impose upon ourselves. We can use it as a metaphor for a relationship in which we stay with someone who does not nurture us: we need a loaf and beg for a crumb from someone who’s afraid to give a loaf and hardly willing to give a crumb. To live in Massachusetts winter after winter and then say, “enough of this,” and move to California takes some pluck and then yields the warmth we hoped for. However, we may be conditioned to accept that our lives are not supposed to be comfortable. Likewise, we may believe that relationships will never work for us, that we are meant to be unhappy and unfulfilled. With that perspective, we may not be able to muster an “enough of this” when we find ourselves in pain. Instead we may ask ourselves, “Why bother?”

To live with abuse is dangerous because it can make our wish to suffer equal in strength to our will to be safe. We think, “Nothing I can do will stop him from hurting me,” or “Nothing I can do will make her love me.” A frightening conclusion can result: “Nothing matters, and I don’t care.” Such deep despair can take the form of poor self-esteem, disease, distortion of the body by overeating, self-abuse, addiction, risky jobs or hobbies, accident-proneness, anorexia, the belief that we can’t improve our lives, and so on. These all boil down to a wish to die. We might even seek relationships that guarantee protection against having to look at or process our issues. A partner may be appealing to us precisely because he implicitly promises that we will never have to confront, process, and resolve any issue very deeply, never have to change an intimacy-defeating style. We may think, “He is superficial and just as scared to confront things as I am, so I am safe here.” In such relationships we forge a tacit bargain to be what Emily Dickinson’s poem calls “Shiverers round Farmers’ doors” awaiting a “reluctant Crumb.”]

david richo, from how to be an adult in relationships: the five keys to mindful loving, 2002

[retroreveries]

Chapter I: "The Thin Veil"

Preface: Dr. Hannibal Lecter engages with Y/N, a young woman whose battle with anorexia nervosa has left her physically and mentally shattered. The story explores the subtle tensions that arise as Hannibal, with his chilling calm, attempts to untangle the complex threads of Y/N's mind. Beneath the surface of their interactions, an unsettling intimacy begins to form, marked by a shared hunger for control, connection, and understanding.

Hannibal Lecter sat across from her in his private study, his fingers delicately resting on the rim of his glass. The room was filled with the warm scent of aged wood and the faint trace of leather, an environment of calm and control. She, on the other hand, was the embodiment of tension—her every breath shallow, her eyes darting between him and the shadows.

Y/N was young, no more than 22, yet her gaunt features and hollowed cheeks made her appear far older, as though years of starvation had marked her in ways even time had not. Diagnosed with anorexia nervosa, she had entered his care after a failed round of treatments, her family desperate for someone who could understand the delicate intricacies of her mind.

"Tell me about the last meal you remember, Y/N," Hannibal said, his voice smooth, almost musical. He didn't need to ask—it was part of the game he played. Every question, every conversation, was an unraveling of the threads of her fragile psyche. Yet he felt no rush to finish the puzzle. There was something captivating about her fragility, something rare, something that stirred an unexpected curiosity within him.

She looked down at her hands, her fingers trembling as she clutched the edges of her sweater. "I don't remember," she whispered, her voice barely audible. "I don't... I don't need food."

Hannibal studied her, his gaze unwavering. "But you need something, Y/N. You need to understand what it is that makes you feel... this way." His words were sharp, cutting through the silence with the precision of a scalpel. "Tell me, what are you afraid of?"

Her eyes flickered, dark rings beneath them from sleepless nights and internal turmoil. "Afraid of being... too much." She shook her head slightly, as though the admission was a sin.

He leaned forward, his gaze softening, a rare flicker of something almost tender. "You are not too much. You are, however, suffering from the illusion of control. And I am here to help you see it."

For a moment, Y/N didn’t respond. She seemed lost in her own thoughts, her face twisted between confusion and something else—something like longing. It was the same expression that often appeared when she thought of food: a forbidden desire, a hunger she couldn’t allow herself to acknowledge.

In the silence that followed, Hannibal let the tension settle between them. His mind, always calculating, began to weave a different narrative. The lines between doctor and patient were thinning, transforming into something more complex—something that felt far more intimate, far more dangerous.

"You must learn to trust yourself again, Y/N," he said, his voice low and deliberate. "To feed your body as you would feed your soul."

She glanced up at him then, her expression unreadable, before looking away again. Her breath quickened as the weight of his words seemed to settle in the air between them. He knew she was terrified, not just of food, but of the vulnerability that accompanied truly trusting someone with the darkest parts of herself.

"I don’t deserve it," she murmured, almost as if speaking to herself.

"Of course you do," Hannibal replied smoothly, his gaze never leaving hers. "You deserve far more than what you are allowing yourself. You deserve freedom—freedom from the prison you've built for yourself."

As the weeks went by, Hannibal continued his sessions with Y/N, his fascination with her growing deeper, more consuming. He wasn’t certain if it was the delicate balance between life and death that so intrigued him, or if it was something more, something more personal, that compelled him to guide her.

In her eyes, he saw the same emptiness that once resided in his own. The same hunger that could never be satisfied. And perhaps, just perhaps, there was something he saw in her—a reflection of the very thing he longed for: the taste of perfection, fragile and ephemeral, yet so utterly seductive.

But Y/N, despite the progress they made, was slipping further away. The lines of her body were becoming sharper, her spirit thinner, and Hannibal began to sense the growing distance between them. She was retreating into herself, the shadow of anorexia whispering in her ear once more, drowning out the faint glimmer of hope he had cultivated.

One evening, he stood at the window of his study, watching the rain streak down the glass, when he heard her approach. The sound of her footsteps was tentative, as though she were unsure of her own presence in the world.

"Y/N," Hannibal said without turning, his voice tinged with an unfamiliar note. "You are no longer the woman who walked into this room months ago. But you are also not yet the woman you can become."

She stood behind him, hesitant. "I don’t think I can ever be that woman," she whispered.

His heart stirred with something almost imperceptible. "Perhaps you do not need to be," he murmured, "but you must learn to embrace the possibility."

He turned to face her, and for a brief moment, their gazes locked. It was an unspoken understanding—between a doctor and his patient, between two souls who had crossed paths in the most unlikely of ways.

But it was a fleeting moment. She turned away, her thin shoulders shaking as she walked toward the door.

"You can’t help me," she said softly, her voice breaking.

"Perhaps not," Hannibal replied, his gaze lingering on her as she left. "But sometimes, the attempt is enough."

And with that, she was gone, swallowed by the darkness outside, leaving Hannibal alone with the fragments of what had been. He felt an unsettling emptiness, the void growing larger, yet deeper than any hunger he had ever known.

In her, he had seen something that made him yearn—not for control, but for connection, for the fragile thread that binds the broken to the whole. And though Y/N might never return, Hannibal knew, as he had always known, that some things—like hunger—could never truly be satiated.

[eqlipwze]

𝗨𝗻𝗺𝗮𝘀𝗸𝗲𝗱 𝗘𝗺𝗼𝘁𝗶𝗼𝗻𝘀: 𝗔 𝗡𝗮𝗿𝗿𝗮𝘁𝗶𝘃𝗲 𝗼𝗳 𝗖𝗼𝗺𝗽𝗮𝘀𝘀𝗶𝗼𝗻 𝗮𝗻𝗱 𝗟𝗼𝘃𝗲

*ੈ✩‧₊˚༺☆༻*ੈ✩‧₊˚

✧fem!reader x Kim Hongjoong

✧ genre: fluff, comfort (?)

✧ word count: 536

✧ warnings: reader is struggling with her health. There’s mentioned - depression, anxiety, insomnia, eating disorder, anorexia, anemia.

━━━━∙⋆⋆.˚ ♫ .⭒˚ ♪⋆∙━━━━

In life, people often wear masks, hiding their struggles behind smiles and cheerful facades. Y/N was one such individual, the embodiment of effervescent energy and unbridled enthusiasm. To the world, she was the epitome of positivity, always radiating joy and enthusiasm. However, beneath that infectious smile lay a storm of emotions, a myriad of struggles that she kept concealed from those around her.

Y/N battled demons that remained unseen to the naked eye—depression, anxiety, insomnia, eating disorders, anemia, and anorexia. Each day was a silent war, a constant struggle to maintain the facade of the vivacious individual she portrayed to the world. She masked her pain behind laughter, concealing her internal battles with remarkable ease.

Amidst her turbulent journey, Y/N found herself at KQ Entertainment, where she worked alongside Hongjoong, a talented producer, on an upcoming project. As they delved into their collaborative endeavor, Y/N's facade began to crack, her body betraying the weight of her hidden afflictions. Dizziness enveloped her, yet she soldiered on, her resolve adamant to uphold the illusion of normalcy.

However, beneath the perceptive gaze of Hongjoong, Y/N's facade began to crumble. In a moment of vulnerability, her body succumbed to exhaustion, leaving her on the brink of collapse. Hongjoong's concern was palpable as he confronted her, seeking the truth behind her well-guarded facade. Despite her feeble reassurances, Hongjoong's intuition led him to take swift action, whisking her to the hospital in a whirlwind of worry and urgency.

As the doctor revealed the gravity of Y/N's condition to Hongjoong, a wave of emotions crashed over him. He was struck by the realization that Y/N had concealed her struggles from him, a poignant reminder of the vulnerability she harbored beneath her resilient exterior. The weight of her suffering tugged at his heart, igniting a fierce protectiveness that dispelled any lingering doubts.

When Y/N regained consciousness, she found herself enveloped in a tender embrace, startled by the tears that streaked down Hongjoong's cheeks. His raw display of emotion laid bare the depth of his concern and affection for her. In a moment of intimate vulnerability, Hongjoong conveyed his unwavering care and devotion, chiding her for shouldering her burdens alone.

Their exchange was punctuated by humor and genuine emotion, bridging the gap between their shared vulnerabilities. Through teary confessions and playful banter, Hongjoong bared his heart to Y/N, revealing a long-standing affection that mirrored her own burgeoning feelings. In a poignant revelation, Hongjoong confessed his admiration for Y/N, a sentiment reciprocated in kind, binding them in a newfound intimacy that transcended words.

As their lips met in a tender embrace, the unspoken truths that lingered between them found solace in the warmth of their shared affection. In that fleeting moment of connection, Y/N and Hongjoong forged a bond forged in vulnerability and empathy, a testament to the transformative power of honesty and compassion.

In the aftermath of turmoil and revelation, Y/N and Hongjoong stood united, their hearts intertwined in a tapestry of shared experiences and unspoken desires. Through their journey of vulnerability and acceptance, they discovered that true connection transcends facade, rooted in the raw authenticity of unmasked emotions and genuine affection.

━━━━∙⋆⋆.˚ ♫ .⭒˚ ♪⋆∙━━━━

[not-poignant]

Birthday Spotlight - Ohlo Ohlo Temsen

[17th April - Aries]

Ohlo Ohlo Temsen, or just 'Temsen', is an incredibly overpowered vench in the Fae Tales alternate universe story The Nascent Diplomat. There, he is introduced first as a stern but compassionate healer, and later as a spokesperson, diplomat, member of royalty and someone so adept at magic that he would happily take on the Raven Prince and likely win.

Taking on the job of Gwyn's healer, becoming Augus' friend, Temsen guides both through the growth of their relationship and the mending of Gwyn's magic in the underground caves of Aethelwaters, deepening their understanding of intimacy, and needing a great deal of it himself to survive.

Temsen is often quite opaque, especially as we've gotten to know him more as a peak alpha in the Underline the Rainbow universe. He's cheerful and steady but also unafraid to be strict and commanding. He can be unexpectedly flexible, or very rigid. What's clear is his dedication to helping those less fortunate (and less powerful) than him, and his dedication to becoming a healer in every story we've seen him in.

'You have been so alone, and I do not think you are like the to-ahl, as some of the others say. You were not meant to be alone.'

The Nascent Diplomat

The Nascent Diplomat: Temsen first appears as a healer from the Ohlo Ohlo clan who comes to take care of Gwyn after he kills the to'ahl, gets poisoned, and wounds Kithkalkith Kimerrin. It becomes clear quickly that Temsen holds a significant amount of power and negotiating weight among his people, however, his weakness is that he cannot be away from his clan or from touch for long at all, forcing Gwyn and Augus to have frequent physical contact with him for his own health.

The Nascent Diplomat: Temsen really helps the rest of the story to continue coming alive. He heals Gwyn's magic, but more importantly serves as a healing compass to both Augus and Gwyn. He is accommodating but firm enough to make sure that Gwyn never strays from the path of growth, and it's clear that he has affection in his heart for these fae from the above, even if he has zero respect for other aspects of their lives, including the School of the Staff.

Also he point blank said he would fight the Raven Prince and even go to war with him due to his abuse and neglect of Gwyn, so you know...

Underline the Black: Appearing as the head doctor at Hillview Rehabilitation Facility, Temsen is a peak alpha who lives his best life as someone who doesn't need a relationship because he's responsible for the health of about twenty five omegas at any one time. He comes in clutch to assist Efnisien repeatedly during some rough gender issues, and also acts as a firm father figure, reminding him that young alphas do not disrespect or abuse other people just because they can.

Underline the Blue: We see Temsen at his most fallible here, as both Janusz' supervisor at Hillview, and Nate's doctor, we see the gaps in Hillview's ability to match alphas and omegas, and also in how they handle early heats and difficult situations. Temsen misses that Nate is an atypical omega, and ends up with an alpha who develops PTSD due to the methods he used to try and get Nate to bond with him.

Underline the Gold: Temsen becomes extremely involve with Flitmouse's care in Underline the Gold when he realises the extent of his Anorexia Nervosa, and later when Flitmouse undergoes corrupted heats. Flitmouse and Temsen don't always see eye-to-eye, especially on certain invasive exams. Temsen isn't afraid to manipulate Flitmouse to get what he wants, but in the face of a firm withdrawal of consent, he shows that he has the ability to concede and let the omega guide the way.

Underline the Red: While only mentioned so far, Temsen eventually becomes Faber's interim boss, changing their connection forever.

Among the vench, Temsen is a member of the Ohlo Ohlo clan and they all look the same (and indeed all vench look quite similar). But in the Underline universe where he spends more of his time these days, Temsen is African-Australian, his mother is a Kenyan immigrant and a doctor, and his father is Australian, and a doctor. He's multilingual, and can speak Kiswahili, Elgeyo, English, Indonesian, and Mandarin. He's semi-lingual in Vietnamese.

Temsen deliberately wears clothing that makes him seem less threatening, in the same way that he deliberately makes himself seem less threatening in the Nascent Diplomat as well.

Temsen can have a slightly formal intonation. In TND it sounds like he's still discovering how to translate his language into Gwyn's and Augus' language, and in Underline he's more likely to say things like 'goodness!' and be very direct and not prevaricate.

Temsen is always kind of overpowered in whatever he's doing, as a healer, as an alpha, as a doctor, he's just always at the top of his game.

Temsen is someone who can be physically intimate with a lot of people, but isn't inclined to have a very special 'someone' in his life.

Temsen taking on the Raven Prince and threatening to go to war over his treatment of Gwyn, and the Raven Prince essentially bowing to that and admitting he was right, was a pretty stellar moment actually.

In Underline the Black Temsen sailed in as the white knight to save Efnisien from his fear of being forced into the shape of an omega, and in a single conversation in front of a projector, managed to solve a lot of problems for Gary and Efnisien in one fell swoop. For that reason, I couldn't have him in the story for quite a few chapters lol. He's too powerful!

Always extremely competent and well-educated, but also willing to admit to his faults and apologise.

Relatively open to other's experiences, but you always get the sense that he holds back some of his counsel and that you're never quite seeing all of him, despite his direct way of speaking.

Despite having the power and status to act refined, arrogant and pompous, Temsen prefers to come across as humble and receptive, but sometimes it's clear that he's doing this in a calculating manner.

Temsen is always a healer!

Temsen is always a leader

Temsen started as a throwaway character. Even with all of my worldbuilding and character creation, I found myself suddenly needing a healer and I very quickly cobbled together a bunch of traits and made Temsen. We were only supposed to see him a few times, and he was never supposed to be as powerful as he became. He was a breakaway hit, and ends up becoming more prominent in the story as a result!

I think Temsen has outrageous chemistry with everyone, honestly.

I initially shipped Temsen and Gwyn together in Underline and I also ship them together in TND, but in a very low key way. If I think about very porny AU oneshots, Temsen/Gwyn has come up for me a few times. I don't think I'll write it, because I think they'll be intense/depressing.

Temsen's anger is one of my favourite things to write, so I may be looking for more opportunities to make that happen!

'In vench society, we measure our worth by how we treat those we care for. Not by our magical achievement, not by our individual jobs, not by the different aspects of our personalities. All of those things only matter in connection to how we treat those we care for. It is how we value other societies, though we find many in the above sorely lacking by our standards. We know our standards are unique, and we do not seek to press them upon anyone else. But Gwyn is my ward, his healing is under my domain and therefore the domain of all the vench, and it disturbs me as a healer to release him to someone who would do this to him. There is nothing to stop you from doing untold damage to him in the future. I can heal what we did to him. I should not have to heal what you did to him.'

The Nascent Diplomat

[c0rpseductor]

random fic thots. and also fatphobia thots. and sexuality thots. Lots of topics

morningstar is just kind of about a lot of stuff that’s important to me bc it’s lestat appeal fic, and one of the things i’m planning to unpack in it is just a bunch of shit about fatphobia and desirability and eating disorders and so on and so forth

so pfeil has disordered eating habits that mostly revolve around restriction, but is still fat. he’s often on that ‘one meal a day just enough food to kinda shakily maintain basic functioning’ grind. it’s not entirely about his body image, but of course like, he’s aware he’s fat and is self-conscious about it, so it’s still relevant.

obviously this is why we need chubby chaser emet. in this narrative. emet likes fat guys. he specifically finds pfeil’s fatness attractive. it also majorly concerns him that pfeil is like…quietly and almost incidentally starving himself in the way a lot of people with eating disorders do when they’re not actively restricting. And he and pfeil just kind of naturally settle into a fairly low stakes D/s thing.

what i’m saying is i think “Please eat and don’t die” may end up getting tied up in their sexual dynamic, and between that and the general focus i feel like i’ve given to both the Idea Of Fatness and what characters are eating day to day, i’ve been kind of worried that if and when things head there readers are going to be like “what is this weird gross feeder shit all about!! Fatphobic! fetishizing! blocked and reported!”

it’s mostly a dumb concern, i think it’d help if i got some sleep lol, but like, idk. what i really want to write here is a story about a very traumatized guy coming to reclaim the idea of having a body and a sexuality and part of that is necessarily going to have to deal with the fact that he’s fat and does not eat in order to punish himself. and it like. just fucking frustrates me that i feel like if you try to touch on that in a sexual context At All then suddenly everything you do and say is suspect and fetishistic and weird and evil and fatphobic. even if you’re fat. Please make that make sense.

like. idk. food is such an important part of daily life bc without it you fucking die. eating together is a very basic human social activity. im very of the dungeon meshi mindset with this. food is a major arbiter of daily rhythms and social bonds and the way characters interact with it says a lot about them and their relationships to themselves and others and denying oneself pleasure related to eating is like. psychologically bad for you. sharing food with other people is a gesture of intimacy and affection and care. you don’t break bread with bitches you hate. Do you see where i’m going with this.

i’ve thought about just not including that dynamic bc of the way people view fat people having basically Any sexuality that acknowledges being fat as Weird Predatory Degen Fetish Shit unless you’re self-flagellating about your weight, but like. I don’t think i want to do that actually. i think maybe i am saying something important about inhabiting one’s own body and also about loving a person who is very ill.

idk. i feel silly making a long defensive post about stuff i haven’t even written yet. i think it’s more kind of like, i just wanna be able to kind of sift through my thoughts, and i wanna be able to express frustration about The Whole Thing. i think it’s kind of fucked up that i don’t feel at all nervous talking about wanting hot guys to put cigarettes out on me or hit me in the face or whatever bc that’s typical kink but the minute im like “i am fat and recovering from atypical anorexia and i would like a hot guy to think it’s hot that i’m fat and encourage me to eat because he thinks that’s hot and not care if i gained weight recovering” it’s the scariest thing in the world bc there is a significant number of people out there that think this is inherently dehumanizing of fat people. and will be offended. or just disgusted. im not even into weight gain i literally just want to be encouraged not to starve myself But Sexy. idk bro it’s fucking nuts that people take issue with this

[illarian-rambling]

Thanks for the tag @mk-writes-stuff!

Character Interaction Tag

Rules: post the OCs of the people who tagged you and one of your OCs and say how yours would interact with theirs

MK's OC: Belladonna is a noblewoman in her early 20s of a space station floating in the void. She has recently been betrothed to a man she hates and informed that she is going to be replaced as the heir by a new younger sibling she will have soon. Belladonna is a highly anxious, neurotic young woman who holds herself and others whose appearances reflect on her own to an impossibly high standard and punishes herself (primarily via not eating, as she has severe anorexia) whenever these standards aren’t met. She has a kind heart and a clever, incisive mind behind all of her struggles, but years of abuse from her parents have driven her to disbelieve her own value and skills.

My OC: Ivander Montane is a 30 year old corrupt detective from the trade city of Unity. He has blue blood and double-pointed ears, wears fancy suits, and walks with a cane. His estranged family runs the banks of Unity, however he left them years ago, and in doing so, broke a divine contract, which left him cursed to slowly and painfully be transmuted into mist over the course of many years. Personality-wise, he's kind of a privileged shithead. He's got the catty attitude and love of gossip of a middle school girl, and can insult your outfit just as acutely. He doesn't have a sincere bone in his body and is afraid of any form of intimacy. However, deep down, he really just wants a friend and to not be in pain anymore. Show him the slightest hint of compassion and he will crumble. His hobbies include being a hater, fashion, and marksmanship (he's a crack shot with a rune rifle). All in all, he's got the snark of a drag queen, the heart of a lonely noir detective, and a body that's been through a cheese grater.

How they'd interact: Honestly, I think Belladonna and Ivander have a lot to bond over. They're both from abusive, aristocratic familys. They both tend to be effete and neurotic. They both have a complications relationship with power. However, they've also got about a snowball's chance in hell of actually talking these things out. I think Belladonna would be immediately untrusting of Ivander, which isn't a bad move. For his part, Ivander would probably underestimate Belladonna's cunning, seeing only her anxiety. If they ended up as rivals, I think they'd play some absolute mindgames with each other. Death Note level shenanigans. If they ended up as allies, I think Ivander would see a lot of himself in Belladonna. He'd encourage her to reach her potential, to not care what her family thinks, and to curb her self-destructive tendencies, as he knows what roads that can lead down. He'd also 100% try to set her and Cassie up, likely recruiting Nellie to help. Probably though, Ivander would just end up as some weird information broker Belladonna knows and trades witty banter with. Cassie would probably end up throwing him into a wall like undercooked pasta for being a shit.

Thanks again, hope you like this one! I'll tag @kaylinalexanderbooks @somethingclevermahogony @tinywater @pluppsauthor and anyone else who wants to play :)

[1moreoffkeyanthem]

after watching your most recent post (which I love by the way you are SO talented!!)

I’ve been sucked into a hypothetical South Park musical au where they’re all apart of a musical they’re performing at school

I was wondering if you have any headcanons on who would go into each department (actors, dancers, backstage, costume, art/prop and backdrop making, etc.)

BRO the way I’ve been unconsciously waiting for this! I’m a film actor, majored in filmmaking and photography in college, deadass went to school to be a cam op before turning to acting. But in high school I WAS a theatre kid. And yes I have so hcs on that.

So yes what immediately comes to mind are both Bellwether’s “There’s a Reason Intimacy Is In A Fight Call” and “Acting On Impulse”. I ADORE Kenny as the set designer and Wendy as stage manager. Film wise I see Wendy as a 1st AD, easy. She IS the head bitch in charge and I have so much respect for the AD’s I’ve worked for. That is NOT an easy job.

Yeah a lot of the influence here is coming from those fics, but theatre wise i definitely see Bebe on costumes/props. Wendy as stage manager, Cartman as FOH and venue manager, Kenny as set designer and builder, Stan helping with that but also our leading man. Kyle either acting or handling lighting design. Butters is the choreographer. Craig I’d like to see directing, Tweek on sound design. Now granted, it’s been probably 7 years since I’ve done a stage production. I did not do theatre in college, and I do admit to having a good deal of trauma from high school theatre. In fact, I HATED musicals for a long time after that. Hadestown and The Lightning Thief were the musicals that got me to love them again. What can I say, I’m a hoe for Greek Mythology.

So yeah Hadestown is my favorite musical no question. Despite the fact that I’m a 25 year old woman my ULTIMATE goal roles are Mr Hermes, Hades, and Orpheus. Les Mis is another fave and I would HAPPILY play Javert. Phantom Of The Opera, give me Phantom, or Raul, no question there. I’m not a soprano, although I would DIE to wear Christine’s costumes. And I’ll be so fr, I used to be a much better singer in general. Depression, EDs, smoking, kinda killed that. But I’m singing again. I’d LOVE to work on a movie musical. At this moment my job is recovering from anorexia, and I’ve been focused on that for the past two months or so, but once I’m more steady, I’m SO going back to auditioning, because dude I fucking LOVE acting. I love telling people’s stories. I love telling stories in general and that’s why I write.

Thank you, SO MUCH for this ask

[star1117-archives]

𝐀𝐧𝐨𝐫𝐞𝐱𝐢𝐚 - 𝐏𝐚𝐫𝐤 𝐒𝐞𝐨𝐧𝐠𝐡𝐰𝐚

Part of the Mental health comforts series

♕ pairing: park seonghwa x gn!reader

♕ genre: fluff (?)

♕ w/c: 454

♕ cw + tw: anorexia (recovering), crying, intimacy, reader is physically weak, calorie counting

♕ a/n: I tried my best but I don’t know much about anorexia tbh, please lmk if this is inaccurate etc :/ (posting this early for Seonghwa day)

𝐓𝐇𝐈𝐒 𝐁𝐋𝐎𝐆 𝐂𝐎𝐍𝐓𝐀𝐈𝐍𝐒 𝐘𝐀𝐍𝐃𝐄𝐑𝐄 + 𝐍𝐒𝐅𝐖 𝐂𝐎𝐍𝐓𝐄𝐍𝐓 ♡ -𝟏𝟔’𝐬 𝐀𝐍𝐃 𝐀𝐆𝐄𝐋𝐄𝐒𝐒 𝐁𝐋𝐎𝐆𝐒 𝐃𝐍𝐈

SEONGHWA PLACED THE PLATES ON THE TABLE WITH A SMALL SMILE, BITING HIS CHEEK AS YOU GLANCED NERVOUSLY OVER THE FOOD.

He’d made a spread of different foods, the portions small but many covered the table. Your tongue darted out, licking you lips with equal nerves. It looked quite a lot, to be honest. Nevertheless, you gave Seonghwa a weak smile as he sat down next to you, kissing his cheek softly.

“Thank you, Hwa. It looks great.”

He shook his head with a quiet scoff, gesturing to the spread while he scratched his neck, embarrassed.

“This is nothing, my mother’s food is insanely better.”

Your hand went to his cheek, brows furrowed as you spoke in a stern tone despite the softness of your voice.

“Don’t compare yourself to no one, Seonghwa.”

A tint formed on his cheeks, his face instinctively leaning into your touch. He then broke away and kissed your forehead, turning back to the table.

“Let’s dig in then, hm?”

With an air of uncertainty, you slowly nodded and also faced the table, gulping as you looked over the food. You felt bile rising in your throat, your mind scanning the plates to try and work out the amount of calories Seonghwa had just served to you. For a while, Seonghwa took no notice of your actions, taking a few foods for himself as you still left your plate empty. When he noticed you hadn’t moved, Seonghwa realised his mistake and let his fork fall, grabbing your hand with his free one and interlocking fingers.

“Just take as much as you want, don’t force yourself.”

You bit your lip, avoiding eye contact as your voice was barely over a mumble.

“But so much is gonna go to waste.”

Seonghwa chuckled quietly, thumb rubbing circles on the back of your hand as he spoke.

“I’ll bring any spares to the boys tomorrow. Trust me, there will be no wasted food with those idiots.”

You let out a small giggle, Seonghwa feeling triumphant as a smile broke out over your lips. He then pushed a bowl of soup closer to you, placing your spoon in for you and kissing the back of your hand.

“I’m proud of you, Y/N. You’re trying so hard.”

Tears began to sting the corners of your eyes, a sniffle escaping you as you looked at Seonghwa gratefully. He seemed to also be becoming emotional, raising his eyebrows at you before turning away once again, unable to bear the thought of you seeing him weak. He then continued to eat whilst still holding your hand, smiling to himself when you began to eat the soup.

The two of you would beat this together, one step at a time.

SFW TAGLIST

@violetwinters @m4rsluv @multidreams-and-desires @jaeyunnies @like-a-butterfly1026 @jwnghyuns @soft-teddybear @galaxybam2 @a1sh1teruu @softkpopplace @plutoneu @hijirikaww @deja-vux @xuxibelle @waezennie @a-soft-hornytiny

[librarycards]

just came across your post about how the rhetoric of trans 'social contagion' links with other social contagion rhetoric e.g. around anorexia or self-injury. this is something I think about a lot + would love to write more on, as a trans person with a history of self-harm who also wants one of the surgeries which is commonly constructed by transphobes as self-harm. is this something you've written about more extensively elsewhere, or are you aware of anyone else who has?

hi anon, sorry for the delay here! i wanted to wait to answer this until a couple more of my pieces were out in the world. now, that has happened!

a few places where i speak about pathologization, "contagion," and trans///Mad subjectivity:

Embodying Otherwise: Nonhuman Criptopias in 'Salt Fish Girl' (2023) looks at hegemonic memory/knowledge of oppression as contagion, queercrip intimacies as generative vectors - all in the context of speculative fiction

Refuse! (2023) critical ED, Mad, and fat liberationist perspective on solidarity across bodymind difference for disorderly eaters with thin privilege. Considers the weaponization of "contagion" as a way to discourage solidarity among Mad/disorderly eaters. Published in @trans-axolotl's amazing Psych Survivor Zine!

Loving trans into possible: t4t as transpollinatory praxis (2023) traces the history of t4t via the villification of craigslist + trans(/)sexual connection, argues for a framing of trans becoming that embraces contagion as an erotics of "pollination"

All of these are linked to my academia.edu account, where you can find them for free! If you come across a paywalled source in any of my bibliographies that is of interest and need me to liberate it, feel free to send me a message (this goes for every paper, always).

I'm also working with a colleague on a longer academic article about disorderly eating, indigestion, and "contagion," but that's still a WIP. you'll all be the first to know if & when it's picked up!!

[al-the-remix]

I’m sorry what?? You’ve had fic written about you?? Are you famous? How did I not know this?

lol no and that's the part that's actually embarrassing, not the actual fic... It's really not that interesting but if you're curious i'll explain btc

I don't know if you remember 2010-2016 ish tumblr pre porn ban fandom, but it was a slightly different flavour than it was now. Maybe it was just the circles I spent time in, but I feel like that was before tumblr as a whole had learn its lesson BNF wise. This was post the big move of fan artists over from Deviant Art and there was also still a large number of "famous" cosplayers that were most notable for being hot and posting suggestive photos of themselves on the internet. (Which don't get me wrong I'm all for, I was a big fan of having random dicks and tits pop up on my feed without instantly getting community labeled) but this was also the hight of the "tumblr girl/boy aesthetic" which was basically just repackaging heroin chic to insecure, impressionable teenagers, which for reasons beyond me people love to romanticize now. "Oh remember 2011 tumblr, it was so great", what I remember is like 2/3rds of the platform mainlining glamorized anorexia and self harm content non stop, so like agree to disagree... But that's beyond the point, which is: people were super primed to bestow ""celebrity"" on people who didn't deserve it at all, and being in a group of like seven relatively attractive queer people who posted way too much of their personal lives on the internet and were overly familiar with each-other on main was enough to end up with fan fiction written about you.

I'm still good friends with most of these people, and we all agree that in retrospect this was a cringy period in our lives that was a result of our own behaviour not any one else, because like what I wouldn't give to be able to nuke all reposted aesthetic pictures of myself on pinterest, lmao.

But literally the only reason I ever invoke this cursed knowledge is when I think it could be used as like a moral tale to help prop up an opinion I feel very strongly about now, which first and foremost will always be:

there is no such thing as tumblr famous, especially within fandom, the way the site functions works directly against it and that's a good thing. Anyone who tries to gain clout within a fandom and either consciously or subconsciously turns their entire goal of participating in fandom into "making an impact" or becoming a "prominent figure in the fandom" should be avoided at all costs. If they're unsuccessful in garnering attention they'll become bitter, unbearable, and often cruel, if they do end up getting that attention they'll turn into the most annoying person you'll ever have the misfortune of interacting with and will most likely end up trying to dictate how everyone in the fandom should interact with the cannon material. (i've seen both examples play out more than once much to my own and everyone around them's suffering).

RPF... you don't have to like it, you can personal qualms with the ethics of it, it can very simply make you uncomfortable and you don't want to participate in it, all of those reasons are valid and there are interesting conversations to be had there, but I would say about 95% of the time when I come across people arguing about it has less to do with personal issues, and more to do with this sort of overcorrecting when it comes to sex, attraction, and intimacy we see now a days where especially younger people think that if you so much as find someone attractive you're violating...or god forbid...fetishizing them in some way. And there's a ton I could say on that topic, but I'll try and keep this to the point. Obviously what I experienced is like a speck of sand compared to beaches that are some RPF fandoms, and it likely affected me less because I am queer and I was actually sleeping with a number of those people that I was being "shipped" with etc.--though I'd still argue that whether you're queer or sleeping with that person, being written about by strangers on the internet is an odd experience-- But that's really all it is: odd. The same time all of this was going down I had someone who I hadn't seen in a very long time beginning to stalk me. And like the RPF half of this story, I'm using that word in the lightest of terms. This wasn't a man I was physically intimidated by (I was taller and stronger than him), I was lucky enough to be in the process of moving to a different province so unless I went back to my family home he didn't have physical access to me, and I never had to get the authorities involved. But despite all that I was much more affected by him hanging around outside my house, following me, leaving me weird handwriten letters and presents, insisting that we had some sort of connection even though this is someone I hadn't seen or spoken to in 6+ years, then I ever did being perceived by people on the internet. It made me feel paranoid, physically revolted, and worst of all no one around me took it seriously so I didn't have anyone to literally have my back. So after like four years of microdosing having fanfiction written about me and also having someone physically in my space that I didn't wish to be there, I can confidently say the latter is far worse. You're not breaching anyone's (agency?? idk i'm blanking on the word I want) by thinking or writing or drawing them, it's when you begin to try and physically breach that person's personal space, or because we live in the age of social media, their online bubble and directly engage them, for fandom reasons or because you wrongly believe that you and them have some sort of connection, that things begin to get out of hand. To me the whole issue really comes down to the breaking of the 4th wall, which I'll admit is a super delicate balance and becomes harder to maintain the larger the fandom grows. I think you can see some of the most negative consequences of this when it comes to some of the worst behaviour exhibited by Kpop fandoms, just because they're so large, and the management companies play into it feeding the fire, but at the same time we have talk show hosts getting a kick out of showing off character fan art and fanfiction to actors on air... so wether you're engaging with the "actor" or the "character" in your art and fic there are still ways for that forth wall to be breached, and trying to moralize it is a looser's game. You might as well not engage in fan fic at all, which some people will argue, but I obviously don't agree with.

TL;DR life is short, stalking people is bad, and if you want to write fanfiction about your favourite singer no one should be able to stop you, but I highly discourage emailing it to them.

This is why I still don't use my main blog, because even though I nuked all that content in like 2017 and rebranded as a anime/manga/comics blog, it keeps ratcheting up non-porn bot followers and I've discovered I have much more fun on the internet with fewer eyes on me (another good reason to use the block button liberally, lol)

[odettecarotte]

Louise Glück, NYT

Louise Glück, photo by Charles S. Hertz

b. 1943

The Nobel-winning poet was pitiless to herself, yet fiercely generous toward her students.

By Amy X. Wang The New York Times

She stood barely five feet tall — slight, unassuming, you had to stoop low to kiss her cheek — but whenever Louise Glück stepped into a classroom, she shot a current through it. Students stiffened their spines, though what they feared was not wrath but her searing rigor: Even in her late 70s, after she won the Pulitzer and the National Humanities Medal and the Nobel, she always spoke to young writers with complete seriousness, as if they were her equals. “My first poem, she ripped apart,” says Sun Paik, who took Glück’s poetry class as a Stanford undergraduate. “She’s the first person whom I ever received such a brutal critique from.” Mark Doty, a National Book Award-winning poet who studied under Glück in the 1970s at Goddard College, felt that she “represented total authenticity and complete honesty.” This, he recalls, “pretty much scared me half to death.”

Spare, merciless, laser-precise: Glück’s signature style as a writer. It was there from an early age. Born in 1943 to a New York family of tactile pragmatists (her father helped invent the X-Acto knife), Glück, a preternaturally self-competitive child, was constantly trying to whittle away at her own perceived shortcomings. When she was a teenager, she developed anorexia — that pulverizing, paradoxical battle with both helplessness and self-control — and dropped to 75 pounds at 16. The disorder prevented her from completing a college degree. Many of the poems Glück wrote in her early 20s flog her own obsessions with, and failures in, control and exactitude. Her narrators are habitués of a kind of limitless wanting; her language, a study in ruthless austerity. (A piano-wire-taut line tucked in her 1968 debut, “Firstborn”: “Today my meatman turns his trained knife/On veal, your favorite. I pay with my life.”) In her late 20s, Glück grew frustrated with writing and was prepared to renounce it entirely.

So she took, in 1971, a teaching job at Goddard College. To her astonishment, being a teacher unwrapped the world — it bloomed anew with possibility. “The minute I started teaching — the minute I had obligations in the world — I started to write again,” Glück would confess in a 2014 interview. Working with young minds quickly became a sort of nourishment. “She was profoundly interested in people,” says Anita Sokolsky, a friend and colleague from Williams College, where Glück began teaching in 1984. “She had a vivid and unstinting interest in others’ lives that teaching helped focus for her. Teaching was very generative to her writing, but it was also a kind of counter to the intensity and isolation of her writing.”

Glück’s own poems became funnier and more colloquial, marrying the control she earlier perfected with a new, unexpected levity (in her 1996 poem “Parable of the Hostages”: “What if war/is just a male version of dressing up”), and it is her later books, like the lauded “The Wild Iris” from 1992, that made her a landmark literary figure. Teaching also coaxed out a new facet in Glück herself: that of a devoutly unselfish mentor, a tutor of unbridled kindness.

A less fastidious writer and thinker may have made their teaching duties rote — proffering uniformly encouraging feedback or reheating a syllabus year after year. Glück, though, threw herself into guiding pupils with the same care and intimacy she gave to her own verses. “There was just this voraciousness, this generosity,” says Sally Ball, who met Glück while studying with her at Williams and remained close with her for the three decades until her death. “Every time I moved, she put me in touch with people in that new place. She enjoyed bringing people to know each other and sharing the things she loved.” And as a teacher, Ball says, “Louise was really clear that you have to make yourself change. You can’t just keep doing the same things over and over again.” In that spirit of boundless self-advancement, Glück also taught herself to love cooking and eating. She once hand-annotated a Marcella Hazan recipe and mailed it to Ball, with sprawling commentary on how best to prepare rosemary. “She’s very beautiful and elegant, right,” Ball says, but “we’d go to Chez Panisse and sit down and she eats with gusto. It’s messy, she’s mopping her hands around on the plate.”

Paik recalls spending hours each week decoding Glück’s dense, cursive comments on her work. “I was 19 or 20,” she says, “writing these scrappy, honestly pretty bad poems, and to have them be received with such care and detail — it pushed me to become a better writer because it set a standard of respect.”

“She was 78, and whenever she talked about poetry, it felt like the first time she’d encountered poetry,” says Shangyang Fang, who met Glück when he was at Stanford on a writing fellowship. Glück offered to edit his first poetry collection, and the pair became close friends. “She would talk about a single word in my poem for 10 minutes with me,” Fang says. Evenings would go late. They cooked for each other sometimes, spending hours talking vegetables and spices, poetry and idle gossip. “By the end, I couldn’t thank her enough, and she said: ‘Stop thanking me! I am a predator, feeding on your brain!’”

[sleepysera]

"Hugs are difficult, however. Kissing is perhaps more intimate than sex itself. Similarly, hugs imply emotional, rather than sexual, intimacy. They are a gesture from one person to another of nonsexual caring, and the idea of being cared for in a nonsexual way was not something I could understand. Contact with another person reminds you that you are also a person, and implies that someone cares about you as such. This felt to me profoundly false, and I felt I did not, in any way, warrant such care, such contact. Contact with another body reminds you that you have a body, a fact you are trying very hard to forget."

-Marya Hornbacher, Wasted: A Memoir of Anorexia and Bulimia (1998)

[10-dutchies-12-bicycles]

more info from here (the website of the people who came up with this whole thing:

"Radically Open Dialectical Behavior Therapy (RO DBT) is a transdiagnostic treatment which targets a spectrum of disorders characterised by excessive inhibitory control or overcontrol (OC). It is intended for clinicians treating clients with such chronic problems as refractory depression, anorexia nervosa and obsessive-compulsive personality disorder.

[...]

Maladaptive overcontrol is characterized by four core deficits:

Low receptivity and openness: manifested by low openness to novel, unexpected, or disconfirming feedback, avoidance of uncertainty or unplanned risks, suspiciousness, hyper-vigilance for potential threat, and marked tendencies to discount or dismiss critical feedback.

Low flexible-control: manifested by compulsive needs for structure and order, hyper-perfectionism, high social obligation and dutifulness, compulsive rehearsal, premeditation, and planning, compulsive fixing and approach coping, rigid rule-governed behavior, and high moral certitude (e.g., there is only one right way of doing something).

Pervasive inhibited emotional expression and low emotional awareness: manifested by context inappropriate inhibition of emotional expression (e.g., exhibiting a flat-face when complimented) and/or insincere or incongruent expressions of emotion (e.g., smiling when distressed, showing concern when not feeling it), consistent under-reporting of distress, and low awareness of body sensations.

Low social connectedness and intimacy with others: manifested by aloof and distant relationships, feeling different from other people, frequent social comparisons, high envy and bitterness, and reduced empathy.

[...]

Radical Openness is a way of behaving as well as a state of mind, informed by the central premise that emotional well-being involves the confluence of three features: openness, flexibility and social connectedness. As a state of mind, radically open living involves actively seeking our personal unknown in order to learn from an ever-changing environment. Radical openness also enhances relationships because it models humility and the willingness to learn from what the world has to offer. As such, radical openness often requires us to sacrifice our firmly held convictions and self-constructs – and this is why the practice of radical openness can be painful.

Radical openness is more than mindful awareness. It means actively seeking those areas of our lives that we want to avoid or may find uncomfortable, in order to learn. It involves purposeful self-enquiry and a willingness to be wrong, with an intention to change if needed."

[lebihanto-universe-blog]

Be Irresistible, Click Here As a 40-year-old virgin, journalist Amanda McCracken realized she was addicted to longing for love. When she began ... Transcriber: Belisa Pires Reviewer: Walaa Mohammed (APPLAUSE) (CHEERS) What are you longing for in this moment? Is it the father or mother you lost last year? Or maybe one you never had? Is it the child you wish to conceive? Or maybe the one who just left for college? Maybe it’s that beach on your bucket list. Or a past lover who haunts your dreams. We long for the divine, for home, for youth, for nourishment. But what happens when longing itself becomes your lover? You fall in love with the possibility and the withdrawal of that possibility. Now longing can be our greatest muse. It can soothe us in times of uncertainty and give us a sense of control in our lives. It can also become a debilitating crutch, even an addictive neurochemical boost. A naturally occurring antidepressant. My friend with anorexia told me she fantasized about elaborate meals but never ate them. In a way I understood. I was a 35-year-old virgin when I realized I was addicted to longing. By remaining starved, I could stay hungry, which somehow felt more satisfying than feeling nothing at all. About ten years ago, I started writing a letter to an ex-college boyfriend, trying to untangle my actions, and desires, and questions I had. That letter became an essay The New York Times published titled “Does My Virginity Have a Shelf Life?” When that essay went viral, the Katie Couric Show flew me to New York for an interview. I sat side by side with Katie as she asked me questions. Mainly, “Why are you waiting for a loving and committed relationship to have sex?” Which she should have been asking me is “why is it so hard to find such intimacy?” The sexual revolution did a lot of women a disfavor by encouraging sexual freedom without the need for emotional intimacy. No matter how hard many of us try, most women are not programmed to be Samantha from “sex and the City”. To have no-strings-attached sex where mutual consent is the only requirement. Now, at the commercial break, Katie turned to me and she said, “You know, you just need to have sex.” (LAUGHTER) “Everyone here at the studio thinks you have Fairy-Tale Princess Syndrome, that you’re just waiting for a knight in shining armor to sweep you off your feet.” Now, when I relay that story to most people, they respond in anger. But in that moment I felt shame, as if somehow I’d been following the wrong script. I had thought being an empowered, sex-positive woman in today’s society meant choosing when and with whom to have sex. And, for me, that meant being in a relationship where I felt loved and respected, where sex was meaningful for both of us. But I began to wonder if something was pathologically wrong with me. I mean, what could be wrong with longing, though? It’s inspired some of the greatest writers, musicians, artists. On my college bulletin board, I had this poem pinned, titled “Ode on a Grecian Urn”. In it, the poet wrote “Heard melodies are sweet, but those unheard are sweeter.” The 13th century Persian poet Rumi wrote “Longing is the core of the mystery. Longing itself brings the cure.” But does it really? By the time I was a 40-year-old virgin, I found myself living in this unique purgatory. Longing for the ideal person at the ideal time and the ideal location kept me distracted from my fear of making an imperfect decision. It was a protective mechanism. In a dating world where intimacy looks like maybe somebody returning your text after you’ve just met them in a drunken hookup. And you know how easy it is to fantasize about a person or a place when you have an incomplete picture. That’s why so many of us return to that highly addictive place of “what if?” I fell in love with emotionally and physically unavailable men. That captain-of-the-Caribbean whose handlebar mustache tasted like rum? (LAUGHTER) And that charming journalist who told me while we were still lying in bed, “I’m an asshole.

Stay away from me.” (LAUGHTER) And the depressed artist who could never love me because he couldn’t love himself. And even the unhappy married man. I flew to Barcelona, Detroit, San Francisco. All in hopes of rekindling a flame I’d spent hours stalking on social media. Friends, my longing consumed me. It defined me. I knew if I wanted to get into a healthy relationship, I had to change my patterns. And so, as most journalists do, I sought out advice from a variety of experts. From psychologists to neurologists, rabbis to porn stars, sociologists to decision scientists. And the fact that I entered the fifth decade of life a virgin definitely puts me in the minority. But idealizing the past and seeking the thrill of anticipation is exceedingly common. Longing is culturally and neurologically driven. Our materialistic society monetizes longing. Media and technology hook us at a young age. Case in point: me with Cinderella at age eight. Companies like Disney and TV shows like The Bachelor have us believing in some fantasy. And the words of the religious hymns that I grew up on reinforced longing for a Superman. Savior. Rescue. Faith. Surrender. But I'm not blaming religion. Like many of my peers, I was drawn to movies and music where longing for a person or place distant is common. I bet over half of you know the lyrics to “Somewhere Over the Rainbow” or “I Still Haven’t Found What I’m Looking For” by U2. In a recent study at the University of Toronto, psychologist quoted over 800 billboard number one hits for their attachment themes. They found that from 1946 to 2015, lyrics have grown increasingly more avoidant and less secure. Maybe you identify yourself up here somewhere? This reflects social disconnection, which is a catalyst for longing. And if longing is a mental muscle, then the more we flex it, the stronger it gets. I was gripped by what Decision Science calls Inaction Inertia. Why say yes to one when you weren’t willing to say yes to one equally right? After all, how do you break a streak? Most people with anorexia know that the reward is not the distorted image staring back at you in the mirror, but the addictive high from the habit of resisting over and over and over. And the seemingly infinite number of choices on dating apps had me believing I would eventually find the perfect partner. Psychologists call this Choice Overload Theory. We keep looking and longing for a cheaper flight, a job with better benefits, a home in a better location. And some keep looking for a better lover. “Ashley Madison” is the leading dating site for married individuals. Its tagline “Life is short. Have an affair.”... (LAUGHTER) reflects its members beliefs that affairs help maintain their marriages. Members say that affairs are great distraction and give them something to look forward to. Longing. Anticipation. In one California real estate survey, 1000 participants said they would rather browse Zillow for their dream home than have sex. Longing. Anticipation. (LAUGHTER) We seek it out in different parts of our lives. These anticipation-inducing habits produce drug-like dopamine highs. Neuroscience says that our brain is actually wired to crave what we don’t have. The happy hormone dopamine is released not when we get what we want, but when we anticipate getting it. That’s why studies show that our brains release more dopamine when we’re planning a vacation rather than actually taking it. CU’s own neuroscientist Zoe Donaldson’s research suggests that we are actually hardwired to long for past lovers. When these monogamous prairie voles are separate from their partners and running to reunite with them, that's when a unique cluster of cells in the nucleus accumbens lights up. Now, this is the same reward center in the brain that also lights up when cocaine and nicotine addicts are craving the drug. The same place that lights up when Netflix binge watchers are anticipating their show. The same place that lights up when heartbroken people look at a picture of their former romantic partner.

And even the same place active when you are anticipating somebody liking your dating profile or Facebook status. Now, these habits are all based on three elements: a trigger, a behavior, and a reward. For me, the trigger was anxiety about my future. The behavior was longing. It distracted me from that uncomfortable feeling of anxiety. And the reward was the dopamine that was released. The excitement that I felt from that. Ancient Buddhist psychologists call this neurological loop Samsara or “endless wandering”. We began to mistake feelings of anticipation for joy. I dated over 100 men. I got off on the high of anticipating the sex I knew I wasn’t going to have, and the loss that eventually followed the feelings of that loss. Research on prolonged grief shows that people who never get over loss, who never let go, may be activating neurons in the reward centers of their brain when they repeatedly recall memories of their lost loved ones, dead or alive. I had the same high recalling the grief of the day my grandfather died. As recalling the grief that I felt the day the E.R. doctor stood me up at a concert in Detroit. And the same grief I felt the day that I received a letter from a college boyfriend breaking up with me from the other side of the world. And this recalling the day that the soldier was deployed to Iraq. So what happens when you find that you would rather feel pain than nothing at all? You allow your heart to hurt bad enough to make a change. When I was 40, I began writing this sort of prayer in my journal: “I am ready for and worthy of a deeply intimate and loving relationship.” I wrote it every night. At the age of 41, I broke up with longing when I gave a healthy relationship a chance with a man who loved me. Now, it was a slow burn. At times, it actually felt too easy. Where was the fear that he would leave me? Where is the anxiety that I associated with love? Eventually, my attraction to his transparency and availability and kindness grew. I trusted him before I loved him. A few months into dating, Dave said to me, “You’re worth waiting for.” And I'd heard that from guys before, and they soon lost interest. And then about five months into dating, Dave took my hand and said the most intimate thing any man had ever said to me, “You are worthy of love.” I cringed. I did not believe him. I wanted to run away from that situation. But instead, I sat in this very unfamiliar and uncomfortable place, learning to receive love and return love with the man who stood in front of me with his arms wide open. Scariest thing I've ever done. About eight months into dating, my 100-year-old grandma Velda called me And she said, “Do you think he’s the one?” “I don’t know”, I told her. She said, “Well, how would you feel if he left you?” Her husband had died when they were 55 years old. “Maybe he should. And then I would know.“, I told her. You see, we are programmed to long until there is a threat of losing something we love. About a year into dating, we married at her hospital bedside three days before she left us. The law of scarcity trumps longing. You buy those tickets to Paris when there are only two seats left. When there’s an urgent sense of a clock ticking, you engage. “So, what about the sex?“, you ask me. (LAUGHTER) It was never about the sex. Just as anorexia isn’t about food. And when my two-year-old daughter asks me in her teen years about my intimacy journey, I will tell her it wasn’t wrong to have waited to have sex in a committed and loving relationship. It was chasing the unavailable men and the impossible plot that was self-destructive. By obsessively looking to the past and the future, I almost longed the chance for a healthy relationship and child out of my life. You see, when we idolize a person or a place we’ve never seen, we make a bigger hole than any one or any place could ever fill. We give it too much power. I will tell my daughter, “You cannot be attracted to a healthy and loving relationship until you stop longing for the perfect one.

” And how do you do that? How do you have a relationship with longing that is rooted in nourishment and not suffering? You accept that no person, place or thing will make you whole. You trust Providence. And realize you’re not in control. You believe you are worthy of love. I mean, really believe it. And you learn to receive love. And stop longing for it. Thank you. (APPLAUSE) (CHEERS) ...

[biboyang-animation-22096791]

Post9 Session -VR

VR in medical community

In this class, we discussed the application of virtual reality technology, especially in the medical field. I was very interested in this and read some articles about this research, which put forward many interesting views on the application of VR technology in the medical field. Virtual reality is a computer-generated virtual environment and it has been increasingly used in the entertainment world becoming a quite new evolving field. However, virtual reality technology was not only used in the entertainment field, but it also found new a variety of applications in the medical domain and the biomedical field, I will use this blog to analyze the advantages and disadvantages of VR technology.

1. VR technology might be a tool for supporting and monitoring patients to influence psychological and physiological functions. Virtual reality can offer a very safe space, doctors can utilize this function to rehabilitate discharged patients at home, especially psychological counseling and treatment. For example, VR advice can help cancer patients reduce symptoms of pain associated with chemotherapy because patients might experience anorexia, fatigue, and anxiety during chemotherapy. 

2. Hospitalization may also produce varying degrees of psychological problems because a change in health also implies changing stressing conditions, such as lack of autonomy, intimacy, and so on, some researchers believe that virtual reality technology can solve or alleviate these conditions and requirements.

3. These VR devices can also be used to treat patients suffering from mental illness, such as depression or post-traumatic stress disorder. VR devices can create an environment where patients feel comfortable and secure, which is a good way for mental illness. In addition, VR therapy can also reduce the side effects of psychiatric drugs on patients and avoid drug dependence. Advantages of not requiring complex medical facilities.

However, even though VR technology has proven to have many benefits, some people have also expressed concerns about the technology, and I think these concerns are very legitimate. I'll list three of the public's concerns about this technology.

1.Some people are also very concerned that virtual reality treatment might increase a large number of additional treatment costs, which is unacceptable for low-income groups. This technology might eventually evolve into the exclusive benefit of the wealthy class.

2. Some users who have never used VR devices may have difficulty proficiently using these devices, and some wrong use methods will also affect the treatment effect, which makes medical centers have to increase the number of monitoring personnel, which will also lead to the rise of medical costs. And according to the survey report in the reference, some new users will have a fear of this new technology when using the device, which will also affect the treatment effect.

3. The technology is not particularly popular among older people, and some patients occasionally report that the device can cause vertigo or have some unspecified side effects. The researchers think this phenomenon may come from a fear of new technology.

In conclusion, cancer patients might suffer from a variety of pain in the course of long-term treatment because of financial strains, difficulty in maintaining interpersonal relationships, emotional distress, and so on. VR technology not only reduces the pain in the course of long-term treatment, but it also might increase the life of a patient. Moreover, the creator should pay attention to controlling costs, so that the majority of people have the opportunity to use it.

Reference: 

Keller, (2017). ‘Public Perceptions Regarding Use of Virtual Reality in Health Care: A Social Media Content Analysis Using Facebook’, Journal of Medical Internet Research, [online] 19(12), p.e419.

Chirico, A., Lucidi, F., De Laurentiis, M., Milanese, C., Napoli, A. and Giordano, A. (2016) ‘Virtual Reality in Health System: Beyond Entertainment. A Mini-Review on the Efficacy of VR During Cancer Treatment’, Journal of cellular physiology, 231(2), pp. 275–287.

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Cancer: The Astroherbology Profile

 Alexis J. Cunningfolk

It's time to explore the sign of Cancer!

I will be exploring all twelve signs from a medical astrology perspective with an emphasis on herbal healing. Learn more about the series and what all the correspondences mean check out the introduction to The Introduction to Astroherbology Zodiac Series. Missed the other signs of the Zodiac? Find out about the astroherbology wisdom of Aries, Taurus, and Gemini!

Element: Water Mode: Cardinal Guardian Planet: Moon Direction: South Season: Summer (NH), Winter (SH) House: 4th House / Angular Lunar Mansions: 7th, 8th, and 9th Mansions Solar Gemstone: Rose Quartz Tarot: The Chariot, The High Priestess, 2 of Cups (6/21 - 7/1), 3 of Cups (7/2 - 7/11), 4 of Cups (7/12 -21), Queen of Cups Tissue State: Damp/Stagnation, Cold/Depression (learn more about the energetic system of traditional western herbalism)

Body Systems: The Chest, Breasts, Stomach, Uterus, Ovaries, Diaphragm. Bone Marrow. Pituitary Gland and hormones. Upper Alimentary System. Brain covering. Ribs, Sternum, and Elbow joint. Lungs. Serum of Blood. Thoracic Duct. Peristaltic pump. Pleura and Pleural Cavity. Bladder. Protective coverings of the organs including the Pericardium and Meningeal coverings.

Imbalances + Diseases: Digestive diseases and indigestion including gas and bloating, ulcers, Crohns disease, and diseases of the gall bladder. Fluids in the joints. Asthma with excess fluids. Tuberculosis, consumption, and wet coughs. Infectious lung diseases. Sinus infections. Lack of or overproduction of fluids in the body, including excess mucus, edema, water retention, and fluids in the lungs. Swollen gums and soft teeth. Cysts in the breasts and breast diseases. Breastfeeding complications including mastitis. Bone marrow disease. Ovarian imbalance and diseases including infertility. Peristaltic dysfunction. Bladder infections. Abscesses. Lack of vitality. Shortness of breath. Indigestion, including diarrhea, gas, heartburn, and leaky gut. Excess mucus of the digestive tract. Pituitary imbalance, including lack or excess production of oxytocin and ADH. Lack of or excess saliva. Nausea. Poor relationship with food including overindulgence in food or lack of eating, including eating disorders such as anorexia and  bulimia. Depression and emotional stagnation. Lack of drive, including physical drive whether for fitness or sexual intimacy. Lack of bodily tone. Unwanted excess weight. Fixating on the past and not present circumstances. Self-isolating and highly defensive. Oversensitivity to other’s emotions and the environment in general can lead to paranoia. Inappropriate and harmful relationships full of emotional coercion, closing off from the world, apathy, giving but not receiving, issues of trust and faith in others.

Disease Degrees: 0 degrees: drowning, eyesight; 1 degree: sixth rib, eyesight, drowning; 2 degrees: seventh rib; 3 degrees: eighth rib, eyesight; 4 degrees: ninth rib; 5  degrees: tenth to twelfth ribs, sleep and trance; 6 degrees: diaphragm, sleep and trance; 7 degrees: thoracic cavity; 8 degrees: esophageal opening of the diaphragm, paralysis; 9 degrees: pylorus, azimene; 10 degrees: fundus of stomach, azimene, alcoholism; 11 degrees: gastric veins, azimene, chronic glomerulonephritis, alcoholism; 12 degrees: greater curvature of the stomach, azimene, alcoholism; 13 degrees: lesser curvature of the stomach, azimene. 14 degrees: stomach walls, azimene, blindness or defective sight; 15 degrees: gastric nerves, azimene, blindness or defective sight; 16 degrees: Pancreas; 17 - 18 degrees: duodenal opening of pancreatic duct, chemicals, poisons, gas; 19 degrees: Ampulla of bile duct, bile, chemicals, poisons, gas; 20 degrees: Superior pancreaticoduodenal artery; 21 degrees: inferior pancreaticoduodenal artery; 22 degrees: gastric mucosa, weak or impaired vision; 23 degrees: gastric blood vessels, weak or impaired vision; 24 - 25 degrees: blood vessels of digestive organs, danger through water, gas, poisons, dog bites; 26 degrees: mammary glands; 27 degrees: nipples, digestive troubles; 28 degrees: cartilage of ribs, hair, digestive troubles, depression mental and emotional difficulties and instability, spleen; 29 degrees: spleen, bronchitis, depression mental and emotional difficulties and instability; 30 degrees: twelfth thoracic vertebra, bronchitis.

Remedies for Imbalanced and/or Weakened Cancer: Learning to trust. Choosing healthy relationships with emotional give-and-take. Taking time for periods of retreat, but not isolation. Becoming self-soothing. Warming and drying herbs. Dry skin brushing.  Lymphatic tonics and cleansers. Diuretics. Mineral rich herbs and supplements for grounding.

Gifts of Cancer: Emotional depth and intelligence. Ancestral heritage and wisdom. Security and developing a nourishing home environment. Intuition and psychic gifts. Empathy.

Rituals of Cancer: Trance and journeywork. Psychic development. Past Life work. Visionary dreaming. Fertility rituals. Self-empowerment.

Cancer Guardian Herbs: Aloe Vera (Aloe barbadensis), Chamomile (Matricaria recutita), Burdock Root (Arctium lappa), Red Clover (Trifolium pratense), Fenugreek (Feoniculum vulgare), Chickweed (Stellaria media)

Cancer Remedy Herbs: Agrimony (Agrimonia eupatoria), Chamomile (Matricaria recutita), Angelica (Angelica archangelica), Dandelion (Taraxacum officinalis), Cleavers (Galium aparine), Yellow Dock Root (Rumex crispus), Rosemary (Rosmarinus officinalis), Ginger (Zingiber officinale)

Flower + Gem Essences: Clematis, Agrimony, Red Chestnut, Honeysuckle, Chamomile, Moonstone  

The Sun in Cancer

I think that one of the quickest ways to understand Cancer  is to take a look at the sign’s zodiac symbol, the crab. The crab is a liminal animal, straddling both land and sea. Cancers are creatures of the water, but they dwell mostly on the shore. Their strength lies in their emotional experiences of the world. It is through their emotional sensitivity that they perceive the world and they place a lot of self-worth in their ability to be sensitive. We live in a world that does not value sensitivity - being sensitive is dangerously subversive because it requires us to be aware of the way we are impacting the lives of others including the life of our beautiful ocean planet. Another aspect of the crab to pay attention to is that it carries it home with it everywhere and has a hardy, defensive exterior with a soft interior. Being sensitive requires the ability to retreat and recuperate because deep feeling all the time can be overwhelming. Carrying their homes with them, Cancer folk are also often concerned about home life in general and creating homely, welcoming, and nurturing spaces.

While the sensitivity of Cancer and their ability to move between the world of the physical and the emotional with ease can be a great gift, it can also be one of Cancer’s greatest struggles. Their sensitivity can become overwhelming and they can retreat from the world of large, becoming apathetic, depressed, defensive or some combination thereof. If they haven’t invested enough time in or valued the importance of emotional intelligence, they can find themselves in inappropriate relationships that can be codependent, draining, and emotionally coercive. All of this can dampen Cancer’s ability to trust and have faith in the goodness of others. They risk shifting from a liminal creature of wisdom  to something a bit more crabby. Sometimes, Cancer folk can get caught up in past emotional experiences, placing priority on those memories and that version of reality rather than the current reality of the present. Yet, when Cancer folks are dwelling in their power, they have an incredible gift to journey into the past, return, and teach us about healing our ancestral heritage and tapping into a lineage of wisdom. 

Within the context of medical astrology, Cancer folk are typically not the most inherently energetic of the signs of the zodiac. They have to pay close attention to how they expend their energy, but with care they can do well. Time for retreat and relaxation is important. Since they are a sign that is very lunar-oriented, spending some time in the sun (especially in the early morning) is good for recharging their energetic centers, but should not be overdone. They should also give themselves space to be quiet and creative under the light of their guardian planet, the Moon. A consciously consumed diet is important and being aware of the relationship between feelings and eating is one of their keys to longevity. While exercise is not the favorite activity of many Cancer folk, like everyone, the crab needs to move their body. Swimming, gentle yoga, and breathing exercises will all be beneficial. The gifts of Cancer folk are manifold and include the ability to connect with parts of our emotional landscape we thought we would never find again. They help us find the shore and that is such a gift as we remember to return home to ourselves again and again.   

Cancer Guardian Herbs 

Aloe Vera (Aloe barbadensis)

The form of Aloe Vera is reminiscent of the energetics that Cancer embodies - a hard, spiky exterior filled with soft, liquid wisdom. The inner gel of the plant is cooling and moist, alleviating inflammation in the body both internally and externally. The gel of the plant’s inner lining can be drunk daily as a nutritive and immune-building remedy. Excellent for burns, Aloe is also good for emotional, mental, and spiritual burn-out that is so common during these times of great change. The regenerative quality of Aloe means that it helps us to form new tissue cells, which is why the plant is useful in the treatment of scars. Aloe is moistening not only topically but internally as well assisting with hydration and re-hydration after exertion or prolonged sun exposure. The plant is also useful for moistening dried out bowels, improving digestion, and general vitality.

Aloe is used topically for a variety of conditions including sunburn, burns, bedsores, athlete’s foot, bruises, wrinkles, ulcers, herpes, abrasions, ringworm, shingles, dandruff, insect bites, eczema, psoriasis, hemorrhoids, and the itch of chicken pox. Deeply nourishing, Aloe helps us to relax and be present in the moment to what we need now which is a primary gift of Cancer folk.

Want  access to more information on a variety of healing herbs for Cancer folk including a full medicinal and magickal profile on Aloe Vera? Join the Lunar Apothecary!

Cancer Remedy Herbs 

Chamomile (Matricaria recutita)

Chamomile is both a Guardian and Remedy herb of Cancer. It is an herb with an affinity for the stomach, which Cancer guards. Chamomile is also an herb for emotional upsets that manifest in the stomach and digestive tract. Think about the person (maybe you!) who gets a nervous or upset stomach during emotionally challenging times - Chamomile is a fantastic ally. The herb is bitter and sweet which helps us to produce fluids such as bile for digestion, but also helps us to digest our emotions properly. Do you see how Chamomile is both an herb of Guardianship and Remedy for Cancer? 

Chamomile is an herb forcolic-y children and young ones who have great emotional sensitivity that can make moving through the world difficult. Yet, because it is also an herb of Cancer, it has the ability for all of us at any age to connect with our inner kid, which is an exceptional quality when it comes to emotional healing. Many of us are carrying around emotional baggage from our young and formative years that can keep us floundering or stagnating in our present life. Chamomile can help us to process these difficult emotions, by gently reconnecting us with who we were before so that we can move on to who we are becoming.

Sun in Cancer Flower Essence

Since Cancer is so deeply situated within the realm of the emotions I could easily list out a hundred essences I could recommend for Cancer Sunfolk. I have chosen to go with Agrimony, alsoknown as the remedy for the tortured smile. Agrimony is for folks who are experiencing a storm of emotions inside but maintain a cheerful exterior at all costs - hence the tortured smiling. Cancer folk can sometimes fall into this pattern when they don’t feel like they have a safe space to express their emotions and have them be valued. Sometimes, Cancer folk can get so caught up in hiding their emotions from others that they successfully hide what they are feeling from themselves. Such emotional hiding suppression can lead to all sorts of discomfort and imbalance in their lives. I think Agrimony essence is also useful for those folks coping with post-traumatic stress disorder as it is very good at helping us to connect with what we are feeling deep within as opposed to connecting solely to how we are reacting in the moment. Agrimony assists us in expressing our true emotions and through that actually cultivating an authentically cheerful disposition.

Ready to learn more?

Check out the rest of my Astroherbology series including Starry-Hearted + Wild-Rooted: An Introduction to Astroherbology which includes additional study resources and the other posts in my Astroherbology series.

Need a visual guide? Starmaps: The Astrological Body is for you!

Explore The Lunar Apothecary - a full length course using the tools of moon-centered herbalism and ritual to help you discover who you are as a healer.