#interpret it as you want. i was thinking about how if your destructive for long enough it becomes thee normal to you and it's impossibly

[sharoo]

Thinking about Don Quixote in light of the revelations of Warp Express drives me insane.

Don's colour is Oblivion Yellow. Oblivion signifies both destruction and the state of being completely forgotten. I can't stop thinking how "Rocinante" is written on her shoes in that shade of yellow, the yellow of purging from history and memory.

Vampire Don has been on screen for less that 5 minutes and I already feel so much about her. She's a second generation kindred, meaning she's likely been bitten directly by whatever has caused the Bloodfiend to come into existence. She's the purest blood since Nosferatu.

How old do you guys think she is? How long has she had to live this way, feared and shunned and not fully in control of herself because of the endless hunger?

Don Quixote the book is a satire poking fun at the hero's delusion that his violent, uncontrolled actions could ever be seen as anything but despicable. But there's also the interpretations of Don Quixote as a dreamer who wanted to do good. And I can't help but think about how, in his madness, he truly wished to be noble. And now I'm thinking about both the stances being possibly true.

The impossible dream of becoming a hero because what you actually are is monstrous and hated. The entire fantasy being, perhaps, a desperate effort to redeem yourself in the eyes of the people around you. You want others to look at you and see a hero, you want the press to cover your stories of chivalry. Why?

Because that's way better than being the teeth in the dark, the horror story told to children so that they do not go out at night. You're so old, and you're so tired of living the way you do and so, so hungry against your will.

I am of the opinion Don should have a Big and Will be Bad Wolf E.G.O. for this reason exactly.

And I think her wish will have to do with her state, helping her control it, accept it. And it will require the understanding perhaps only Dante can provide.

[chiisana-sukima]

What's your opinion on the take that Sam is always running away?

The short answer is I think spn's ethics are insane.

The longer answer is that if you did a rewatch and counted up all the times that Sam objectively "runs away" from a problem/his family/etc and all the times Dean "runs away" from the same, I'm not sure who would actually win. But I do think the narrative frames Sam as the one who runs, and that, over the long term, it treats "running away" as his cardinal sin.

For example, when Dean runs away from his mistakes in Road Trip, the narrative does frame that as immature and self-destructive, and punishes him with the Mark of Cain. But by s11, this is reframed briefly as a "we" problem in s11a (Sam: "if we don't change, right now, all of our crap is just gonna keep repeating itself") and then never held against Dean personally thereafter. Whereas Sam's equivalent attempt at running away--the s4 demon blood arc--continues to be held against him by the narrative until at least 13x21 (Cas: we let Lucifer out of the Cage.)

Even more interestingly, at least to me, with the exception of Stanford, the narrative also tends to treat Dean's episodes of running away from Sam as "abandoning" him, but Sam's episodes of running away from Dean as "betraying" Dean.

This is Dean abandoning Sam to his fate as Lucifer's vessel. The narrative punishment is extreme, but not only does Dean get a do over in the same episode and it never comes up again, but the quote is remembered by fandom primarily as a quote about how close they are. And I do think that's borne out by the narrative. If Dean abandons Sam, the world will literally end.

Meanwhile though:

When Sam screws up with Dean, he's betraying him. The problem isn't just that Sam is an addict or that he ran away from Dean's attempt to forcibly detox him for his own somewhat questionable "good", but that he did so with a demon whore. It's portrayed as a personal betrayal in a way that Dean abandoning Sam to Lucifer is not.

In some ways, Sam is even the more steadfast brother. He may physically leave Dean at times but he never stops believing in Dean's capacity for good. When it's his turn to lock Dean in the panic room because Dean gives up and runs to destruction at the hands of Michael, he doesn't do it. And in the Mark of Cain arc, he affirms that even if Dean kills him, he accepts it as necessary and still believes Dean is a good man.

Which brings me to spn's ethics and fandom's response.

If there's one single thing that spn is entirely, completely, one hundred percent consistent on, it's that tumblr is wrong. You can't just walk out; leaving is always wrong and will usually end the world. It's wrong if it's temporarily for the evening because you'd like to have Thanksgiving dinner and your family doesn't do that, or for four years because you want to go to college, or for forever because all your remaining loved ones have been killed before your eyes, or if it's only a partial withdrawal because you want better boundaries in the face of years of violence and autonomy violations. (To be clear, spn thinks the violence and autonomy violations are wrong too; it's just especially adamant that the only appropriate response is self-sacrifice.) The only reason Sam is finally allowed to temporarily leave in the finale is because he so obviously no longer wants to.

And all of this, to be completely blunt, is batshit fucking crazy. And I mean that in the clinical technical sense of the word. As a system of ethics it's an enormous mess, as a behavioral guide it's guaranteed to result in inappropriate assignment of blame and unnecessary suffering, and it's hard to interpret it all for me personally as anything but a response to trauma.

I do think that on an emotional level there's something wildly compelling about it though, and it's fiction, after all, so there's nothing wrong with it as a fantasy. The idea that if only you could prove your loyalty strongly enough your family would finally accept you, flaws and all, is an impossible wish many of us have spent a lot of our real lives trying to actualize. And seeing it happen on screen when it can't happen irl can be cathartic, much like revenge stories can be cathartic even though irl revenge is a terrible idea. The vibes are, in short, without flaw.

The thing that's hard for me though is remembering that everyone irl grows at their own speed. Not everyone is in a position to cleanly separate their emotional enjoyment of a plotline or theme from their intellectual calculus about whether or not it makes any fucking sense--especially when those plotlines or themes are about violence, betrayal, abandonment, and abuse. And it's hard for me to remember sometimes that huge swathes of meta aren't actually the result of [insert negative judgement here] but are just reflective of a different series of experiences than the ones I happen to have had.

Honestly I find it frustrating. I wish people would be better about separating out what the story is saying from what they think of that message themselves. I feel like the format of fandom meta is often kind of a disaster. It adopts an authoritative, academic tone, but is usually actually used to express personal feelings and wishes without acknowledging that it's doing that.

It's not that I think people should have to disclose their personal experiences to write meta--on the contrary, sometimes that's helpful but sometimes it just makes it worse. Rather, I wish people would get in the habit of using more "I" statements and acknowledging their subjectivity more overtly. Back in the days when dinos roamed the earth and I was an undergrad, I learned that the use of the third person passive voice in academic writing is a political choice. It grants the illusion of more authority and objectivity than actually exists. I wish fandom would take up my professor's call to abandon it to some extent and say "I feel hurt that Sam left Dean alone with John to go to college" rather than "Sam is always running away".

[orphiclovers]

Okay. Long incoherent rambling theory post ahead. Specifically, I want to talk about how the Han Sooyoung 'split' happened/how Han Sooyoung got the avatar skill, extrapolating from canon where I can and headcanoning the rest.

Let's start from what she herself says on the topic. 3rd rounds Han Sooyoung tells Kim Dokja, in a conversation about how 'Avatar' works, that the very first time she made an avatar, she gave it too many memories and it 'went out of control' and ran off. This was a friendly conversation and hsy brought it up herself, so there's not really a reason for her to lie here - this is probably close to how she actually remembers the situation.

Which is interesting because 1863rd rounds Han Sooyoung denies this fact and says SHE is the main body and that she left an avatar behind to act as her. Now 1863 could be lying here to unbalance kdj, they were having a battle of words at the time with lying being an explicit part of the game, but she could also be telling the truth and maybe 3rd just doesn't know she's an avatar (like 49%). we don't get a comfirmation either way so that is left ambigous. So. That's a dead end.

Then, how does the Avatar skill evolve in general?

Kim Dokja says the requirements to evolve it is that you need to be in a creative field of some kind (so you have an 'Author' attribute) + under enough psychological distress for your mind to 'split' in a way that orv compares to DID (in not the most tactful way). It's a rare skill so I'm guessing it probably requires both of these to be true at the same time. A key hint is that we do actually get one other example of someone evolving the Avatar skill on screen. 1863rd rounds Yoo Joonghyuk. It goes like this:

So...not exactly a fun time. But actually I'm sensing a pattern here. Both Yoo Joonghyuk and Han Sooyoung, after evolving and using the avatar skill for the first time end up as two sepetate autonomous entities with their own free will - 1863rd!hsy and 3rd!hsy and white and black coat wearing yjh respectively (Kim Dokja too actually - with 49% 51%). So, I think this might be how the skill functions, spontaneously splitting you in half the first time and then both halves of you can make avatars at will after that. Let's assume this is true for the sake of the theory. This conflicts with the way both Han Sooyoungs describe it - they both say they 'created' an avatar the first time BUT I think neither of them were being entirely truthful.

Let's talk about that second parameter. 'Severe psychological distress' in a way similar to that of DID. How I interpret this, based on what we see of 1863rd!yjh, is that there needs to be some fundemental dissonance of core beliefs that cannot exist or be held at the same time, so requires the soul to split in half. For Yoo Joonghyuk it's 'I want to live/I want to die.' (Although Kim Dokja doesnt get the skill in the natural way, I think this concept still holds true. His dissonance is not so explicitly stated but maybe it's something along the lines of 'epilouge/eternity' i.e 'happily ever after OR atonement for his (percieved) sins'.)

But also there's an element of, how do I say this...'purifying self-destruction' to how we see our trio use Avatar. Yoo Joonghyuk takes the blackened and traumatized part of him that wants to die and kills it with a sword, leaving only the part of him that still has hope to regress to the 3rd round, free and unburdened by the weight of bad memories.

You could interpret 51%/49% this way too. The inherent act of Kim Dokja choosing to use this skill to split his soul in half means he did not see another way foward - that psychological distress and belief dissonance is an inherent part of this skill. 49%, the one who get's the 'happily ever after' does not remember needing Ways of Survival, maybe because Kim Dokja couldn't imagine himself having a happy ending with the weight of those specific memories.

But coming back to Han Sooyoung. Just look at the way she uses Avatar in kaizenix. She is a person who does not enjoy being emotionally vulnerable so in any heavy situation she clings to her dry and witty personality like a shield.

Let's just fully realize what she's saying here. When she says she erased the memories of her life deliberately, what she means is that she created an avatar, a sort of 'black coat wearing han sooyoung' and killed it again and again, every year, so she could keep that sarcastic and light hearted attiude. Otherwise she would have become someone like 1863rd rounds Han Sooyoung - hardened and unhappy. And I mean that she literally was on the path of becoming her - she even got 1863rds skill.

She deliberatley brushes off Kim Dokja and doesn't acknowledge the weight of her actions in kaizenix, both waiting for 50 years and killing parts of herself over and over.

And I think this is the sort of mindset she had while telling Kim Dokja about 'creating' an avatar for the first time. She doesn't see the point in potraying herself as vulnerable, so she probably would obscure some details of that story, for example if she was on her knees clutching her head a la 1863rd turns Yoo Joonghyuk at the time. This would seem like a pointless detail to add when the point of the story was that her avatar ran off.

So FINALLY, here's my headcanon on what I think the original belief dissonance was for Han Sooyoung and how she got the Avatar skill.

The split happened very early on in the scenarios. And well, there is one obvious Big Event that might cause someone to have a mental breakdown/identity crisis. The first scenario. I think whoever Han Sooyoung killed, she couldn't deal with the fact she had become a murderer and 'exorcised' those memories - and so 1863 was born, with blood on her hands, in an already destroyed world.

[whats-amata-you]

Alright y’all hear me out, but I kinda like this interpretation of the Kaiba brothers where they have to deal with the consequences of a very codependent sibling relationship. Not like in the “something happens to Mokuba and Seto has a crisis” kind way, but in the “Mokuba doesn’t know who the hell he is outside the context of being Seto’s little brother” kind of way.

Literally everything Seto ever did from the day Mokuba was born was toward the singular goal of Mokuba’s wellbeing. He sacrificed everything to give Mokuba better opportunities, a more stable home life, a better chance at happiness than Seto ever really had for himself. Seto even gave up huge swaths of who he himself was to work toward that goal. It was all for Mokuba.

But Mokuba was right there with him, the whole time, watching his brother suffer and doing everything in his power to protect him. Mokuba’s whole identity revolves just as much around Seto as Seto’s does around Mokuba.

And that’s fucked up all well and good when Seto’s a teenager and Mokuba hasn’t even hit puberty and only one of them is really taking on any serious adult responsibility. But imagine what that must be like when Mokuba grows up.

Imagine being 20 and as long as you can remember you’ve been worrying about keeping your older brother alive. Maybe he’s in late twenties or early thirties now, and life has finally forced him to either do the work of healing and moving on or else spiraling into self-destruction to the point that not even you can save him anymore. Maybe he’s married off and happy in his own life, or maybe he’s dead or missing and left you behind as his only heir to the family fortune.

And you’re just as completely, utterly lost either way because either way, he doesn’t need you the same way anymore. And on top of that, you realize you don’t really need him the same way anymore.

His routines aren’t yours anymore. His moods don’t set the tone for your whole day anymore. You don’t plan your life around him and his needs anymore.

So. What do you do when you’re suddenly cut loose and left adrift?

I imagine Mokuba floating through life a lot for his twenties, maybe into his thirties. He’s got no sense of direction or purpose without Seto being the center of it all. He realizes he doesn’t have to become a businessman like Seto and help run Kaiba Corporation, but doesn’t know what the hell else he might even want to do. Doesn’t even have a clue. He goes into business anyway because he knows he has to do something, but he doesn’t really enjoy it and it wears on him. He’s popular with women but can’t make a relationship last more than a few weeks; they keep fizzling out because he just doesn’t seem to have any ambition.

It’s super easy for Mokuba to see and acknowledge how Seto was always sort of his dad when they were kids, as well as his brother. Seto actively took up the role and wasn’t shy about saying so outright. But I don’t think either of them realizes quite as easily just how much Mokuba was parentified too, even from a very young age. Seto made Mokuba’s physical health and overall wellbeing his business on purpose, but Mokuba accidentally stumbled into providing a level of emotional support to Seto that no child should ever be responsible for. That kind of relationship would fuck anyone up.

I feel like an interpretation of them Kaiba brothers that had a Mokuba who ended up being rather directionless and having issues with his sense of who the hell he is after Seto’s inevitable Character Development one way or the other is worth exploring. People change over time, and if a fic is set a decade or more post-canon…idk, I just feel like Mokuba’s trauma deserves some serious exploration, too.

[raayllum]

Been also thinking about the line between "the text wasn't meant to be interpreted this way but it's a solid reading / line of critique (with caveats)" (#1) versus "the text wasn't meant to be interpreted this way and doing so actively worsens the story they're trying to tell" (#2).

Going to do some TDP specific examples.

But basically: When your in-depth reading takes away from the Surface Level reading rather than providing contribution, that's usually a good sign you're going into a story with 1) an expectation or reading that was never promised or 2) are weakening the story through a typically unfounded analysis.

A TDP specific example is the relationship between Viren and Harrow. Canonically, textually, they had a brotherly relationship, both in the dialogue that Viren conveys ("I think of you as my brother" / "You're my brother") and in their persistent parallel framing with Callum and Ezran.

However, that doesn't stop many fans (myself included) from reading a romantic and sexual attraction between Viren and Harrow, especially in their youth. Not only do they just have the vibes, parallels to other couples, and subtext, Viren very much places Harrow's importance in his life in a way that's usually reserved for lovers. Viren having been in love (or ongoing) just makes sense. That doesn't mean any of us are expecting TDP to ever make it Canon — like I said, it's canonically very much Not that — but it does add a layer to Viren always wanting to 1) matter to Harrow as much as he does, and 2) his frustration and severance with Harrow because he wasn't getting the acceptance and affection that he wanted.

This is what I would consider #1 avenue: it doesn't take away from their dynamic, and to me adds a layer, but it allows the text to stand as is. Viren wants Harrow's love and attention in the gradual and then sharp deterioration of their dynamic. All I'm changing is a little bit of the why per my personal reading.

Meanwhile, if I went the route of "Yeah I know canon shows Harrow appreciating, taking Viren into account, and smiling at / loving him, but I don't think Harrow cared at all and he was just a bad friend to Viren for years" then... Yeah I could read it that way — it's not as though Harrow or Viren were hardly perfect friends to each other, and Harrow's discard of Viren is harsh (even if it was a long time coming in a lot of ways) — but what does that leave me with? Frustration, maybe; a poor view of Harrow; immense sympathy towards Viren? At best, I'd maybe resent how Viren learns the lessons Harrow was trying to teach him by paying for it with his life; at worst, I'd think the narrative was being fundamentally unfair to Viren without recognizing that his previous modes of self sacrifice were always couched in ego, shirking the immediate consequences of being saved, or that he was routinely willing to sacrifice everyone around him first, including his own children.

This is where we get into area #2, and I see it happen all the time with TDP, whether it's from the series not portraying monarchies as a bad thing or the ever persistent "issue" of dark magic. Quite frankly, it's silly to walk into TDP post-S1 expecting dark magic to be anything beyond — given all the current textual evidence — "morally complicated" magic at best. Yes it can be used for good things, but that doesn't automatically make it good, and while we could spin logistical wheels for ages, the Point the story is Making with dark magic is about power, desperation, love, self-destruction, violation, and agency, and how all those things can overlap or counteract each other. Toting out "well I think dark magic is blanket statement Okay and Good actually" misses all of that, and actively makes your reading and experience with TDP worse. The surface level reading is important to take into account when examining a piece of media, otherwise it can lead to a very warped view and effect your ability to be well founded in your reading of the text.

That doesn't mean you can't desire a more morally neutral form of dark magic — plenty of fantasy series and stories have it, and some I adore (like "the legend of Zelda" — but it does mean accepting the story is never going to broadly speaking do that, and it's Okay that it won't. I'd be silly if I walked into LOZ expecting them to get into the ethics of its form of (non) dark magic of using monsters for spell parts because it's 1) a game mechanic and 2) it's not interested in the ethics of it, and no amount of me saying "well it should be" will change that, nor is it a Story Flaw that it doesn't.

This is all to say that I think asking "Why would the writers do this?" is one of the most useful, if basic, questions to ask when it comes to analysis and when figuring out whether your viewpoint is falling into avenue #1 of being grounded, or avenue #2 of veering towards warped territory.

For example, if I take Rayla not being by Callum's side when he's struggling over the pearl reveal in 6x06 as an indicator she doesn't care about him, I'm doing a deep dive that ignores all the very Surface Level emphasized scenes of Rayla caring about and supporting Callum a whole lot. I could make the claim she doesn't care based on that scene, but it wouldn't be well founded because it's ignoring miles of other much more prevalent, consistent scenes of her being there for him; it's not a well founded claim.

For something less obvious, let's look at 5x08. While Callum could've given Finnegrin the wrong spell on purpose, as some fans have thoughtfully proposed, as a sneaky wink for die hard fans... why would the authors do that? What does the story gain from that reading or intention? Well, it makes it seem like Callum was less desperate in his dealings with Finnegrin, which makes him doing dark magic afterwards come off worse. It also lessens the battle Callum has throughout that episode for feeling in control and recognizing that he can't always be. It's a reading that, in my opinion, not only strays away from the surface level reading, but is one removes elements from the text that the text would otherwise be stronger for having. In comparison, after all, if Callum gave his version of the right spell without thinking it through, he did so entirely out of desperation, which better affirms just how desperate and worn down he had to be to do dark magic, and is another instance in the episode of him feeling very much out of control (especially since we don't see the 3rd with dark magic on screen, so otherwise, we'd only have him punching Finnegrin as an example and nothing else).

Same thing with the old (now debunked) theory of Callum's bio dad being elven in nature. It's an interesting idea, exploring the implications and backstory and how'd grapple with it, but it'd weaken what canon is actively striving for, which is that Callum's magic use is special precisely because he's an ordinary human who's gained primal magic, and having elven ancestry would counteract that. It doesn't mean that the idea isn't a Good one or that it's not fun to explore in fanon, but there's a lot of reasons the story isn't (or decided not to) have it be canon, because it was stronger for the story they Wanted to tell for it not to be.

Sometimes, as fans this means acknowledging that what we want or prefer in a story is just blatantly not what's being set up, because the story is going to do things regardless of what we want or personally like. That doesn't mean those decisions are bad, and it also doesn't mean those elements or decisions or constructions are beyond critique, but it does mean to ask yourself some key questions:

Is there anything my reading is missing? (ie. if TDP shouldn't have monarchs and that's the critical focus, we lose the messages about leadership, family, and legacy that are engaged with through the vessel of hereditary monarchy)

Why might the story or scene go in certain directions? Are there story constraints (time, tone, etc) they have to abide by?

Am I expecting the story to ascribe to my worldview or preference, and am I open to things that don't do that? If yes, why? If no, why not?

Is my in-depth takeaway aligned with a surface level reading? Are both readings working together, or are they opposed? What other surface level readings might be plausible here for a casual viewer?

Even if this is not personally compelling and/or believable to me, does my personal takeaway match up with the characters' responses to it? Why or why not? (Think every Disney movie where they fall in love in 3 days. Realistic? No. Does it matter within the context of the story? Also no)

Again, this is not to say that 1) what the casual takeaway Is is an objective singular monolith (it isn't) or 2) if the casual takeaway and your interpretation is at odds that you're wrong. But through context clues, we can usually narrow it down as to what the story intends, and that if our interpretations do veer heavily to examine why and to manage expectations accordingly.

Anyways hopefully this all made sense Viren x Harrow forever

[mrsnancywheeler]

silver springs

finnick odair x gn!reader

2k words

masterlist

summary: finnick's cycle of self destruction stops for no one, even if it tears the two of you apart, but you refuse to fade into the past.

warnings: angst, lots of it, self destructive behavior, mentions of trafficking, allusions to consensual smut, reader values their virginity, arguments, break ups, trauma, unhealthy relationship dynamics, unhappy ending, but could be interpreted as hopeful if you want it to be, unedited, no use of y/n

𓈒⠀𓂃⠀⠀˖⠀𓇬⠀˖⠀⠀𓂃⠀𓈒

Finnick knows he should just fall asleep, let himself rest and turn his brain off from overthinking, but he can't. You deserve better, so much better than the broken boy from District 4 who will forever be playing his role in the puppet show. Where you've fought the demons off with compassion for each person you've come across, it shames him how easily he can fall into the facade of the egotistical Capitol darling. Eventually his outlook will consume the joy you've harvested to forcefully in the depths of your heart and he knows not a minute will pass that he can look at himself in the mirror knowing he did that to you. So he has to end it, to let you be free for a much happier life, at least that's what he tells himself as he prepares for you to wake.

You're so beautiful in the moonlight that glows on your sleeping face and he's even more enthralled when the sun begins to rise and it's like you're an angel in the colors. He's not sure when he let a few tears shed thinking about how when you wake up it'll be the last time he sees you like this, but it's for the best. When you do hazily wake up, blankets falling off your bare body as you sit up, all your sleepy smiles make his heart clench even more, but his brain more certain.

“Good morning." You mumble out, leaning in for a kiss which he scoots away from and your incoherent brain snaps to attention. No matter how long it's been since you've been in the arena, you doubt that instinct will ever go away, the need to be constantly on edge if something seems slightly off, and he is. Finnick is usually the type to be just returning from a swim with some fish he caught in the morning or arms wrapped around you. “What's wrong?" You can feel a defense mechanism settling in with the numbness of your voice, had you really finally had the courage to let someone have your body only for them to pull away from your love the very next morning? What a cruel master the universe seemed to be no matter what cards you played.

Finnick's eyes were glossy and he rubbed his face as he sniffled, forcing the words out of his reluctant throat, “I don't think we should see each other anymore." Before the words have even finished tumbling out of his mouth you've pulled the blanket back up to cover your exposed chest. How could you be so cautious of something only for it to come from the person you least expected, apparently you weren't cautious enough.

“Oh." It's humiliating, if you could just disappear into the air you would give anything to do so. You can't cry, it would only further that humiliation, so you robotically move to the side of the bed to grab the panties that had been so lazily thrown off by him the night before. “Congrats on the score, Finnick, hopefully I'm worth a good amount of points." Your voice can't be allowed to crack or shake, but it's fighting against your willpower.

“It's not like that." Finnick quickly says, observing you, and he'll never say it, but he's scared. He doesn't want you to hate him, to break your heart, he just wants you to be free of his chains.

You scoff and have to force yourself to stand without the protection of the blanket so you can find the rest of your strewn about clothes. “I’m sure that's what you tell all of them.” All of us, he's always been a rumored playboy, but with what the Capitol did to him that was what you'd placed it on. Not that he played people, but that he was unfairly used, now you reasoned, two things could be true at once. Him having past partners had never bothered you when he began talking to you, but now you wondered how he left them. You glance back for less then a second when you see he's buried his head in hands, not answering.

He knows this isn't true, that he's doing this because he cares too much to let his darkness eat you alive. Maybe he'll even have to say that to you, so he won't have to live with the additional weight of your resentment.

“I just-" Your throat breaks on a sob you're holding back, “I know it's not important to everyone, but it was important to me, Finnick. I gave you something that I wasn't ready to give anyone else because I thought…” You sighed, "It doesn't matter what I thought, but it's so fucked that you took that away when you knew.” A stray tear has forced its way through which you're wiping away as soon as you can. Your pants are in a pile at the end of the bed which you quickly grab.

“I'm sorry." His voice isn't hiding the tears as he looks up from his hands, he's genuine and you can tell as much from his voice, but it doesn't stop the internal berating of being so stupid to finally share that intimate part of yourself when he would leave you hours later. “I didn't plan it like that, honey, I didn't."

“Please, don't call me that." He nods his head in retreat after your request that was meant to be more forceful, preferably he'd never speak to you again.

“You deserve better, so much better." You agree, the bare minimum would be a day before he broke the news not hours after you'd slept with him. “Better than me, I need you to have better.” He feels like a child, knees pulled up to his chest as he gives you up so you'll be far away from his destruction, but you feel more like a toy he's gotten bored of playing with. Like a hurricane it hits you that he means being with you, a sentiment he’s murmured many times in your relationship even if you insisted otherwise at each utterance. Yet you can no longer find it in you to assure him otherwise, no matter how much you disagree.

“Oh my god, this is the ‘woe is me, I'm Finnick Odair, so unlovable’ act again!” You could tear your hair out, "I could love you, Finnick! That's who could and I'm so sick of this push and pull thing you play at. But we are all dealing with things inside and you refuse to be, not even helped, but at least cared for!”

He's gotten up from the bed, shaking his head with as much intent as he can muster, "If you loved me it would kill you.”

"Says who?” You no longer care about whether or not you're keeping composure or yelling, you've spent every moment you can trying to assure him and within the hours you slept he decided to tear it all apart. "Oh right, just you! You and your endless piles of self doubt, I'm not asking for that to go away, but you could at least be open to hearing others out."

“It's for you, honey, I couldn't live with myself if I put you through that."

Any movements you were making stop as you stare at him, he's so honest, so eager, and you radiate an anger he despises himself for making, but wants to catch the last few sparks of before he leaves forever. “You are so selfish. Have you ever even considered the fact that I would suffer more without you, then with you, or were you too busy trying to punish yourself for not spending every moment of your life in a pile of guilt?”

He doesn't answer and you know it's a no. Part of you says it's wrong to tell a man who's always eating himself up from the inside that he's selfish, but you feel like you're on autopilot.

"I'm a person, Finnick! Everyone you've ever dated is. You do not get to play house for a year to live in a fantasy and then push us away whenever your thoughts are too much, that's why it doesn't work, you won't let it. And everyone who puts in the effort to love you, to care about you, has it all swept away when you're ready to wallow again. That way when you briefly decide it's over you can do it all over again.” You're pulling on the pants before you can look around for the shirt in some hidden spot.

Finnick feels like he's running cold, part of him knows you're right that his cycle is neverending, but you can understand, he tells himself. Even if you're a fellow victor, no one can help him, he's resigned himself to it and you're too light of a bubble to let you pop. So he has to live in denial, that he has to protect you from himself even if that is really what's attacking you now, “I care and I can't do this to you. You don't understand, I'm like a whirlpool waiting to suck everything in with me."

“You have." You find the shirt and button it up with fumbling fingers, blood pulsating in anger, sadness, and the want to beg him to change his mind and let you sit with forever. But you know you can't subject yourself to his cyclone of self-destruction any longer, not when you have your own struggles to deal with. The things you couldn't tell him about because of the constant pressure to be the light in his bleak outlook of the world, even when you were so tempted whenever it seemed like he was in his true state. The Finnick that was sweet and giving, or maybe you were an idealist wishing for a man that he could truly never be. “I won't fade into obscurity over you.” Your voice has become considerably softer and you gaze at his shaking body.

"What?” He asks, he knows that you won't understand why he has to do what he's convinced himself he must, but that doesn't prevent him from wanting to take it all back, embrace you, and promise to do better even if he knows he won't.

"I'm a victor too, Finnick. Every party, I'll be there, when you have to watch required programs on the television, I'll be there. I won't take a step back just because I'm hurt, we're all wounded dogs, Finnick, some of us just handle it better and I won't quiet myself just because it might remind you of another person you've pushed behind.”

“I'm not asking you too."

“No, but it's what you're used to. I'm not just someone else from home, you will always hear my voice, see my face, and I need you to know that. I want you to get better, Finnick, because I care about you more than you can even fathom, but I will be a hitch from what you're used to. You deserve to know that, I'm sorry if that makes it more difficult for you or maybe it's what you need. A wake-up call that whatever you're doing is what's actually hurting people not whatever fucked up fantasy it is you're listening to in your head.”

Finnick wanted you to know how much you cared, but said nothing as he pushed down more tears when you left, never to be in his room again. The mornings spent in your comfort are officially gone. You'd been right of course, he couldn't wallow and move on because you were everywhere. Your laugh in his ears at every party, your saccharine voice on the screen, your presence around every turn. Maybe you'd even been right when you insinuated this was what he was missing, he couldn't forget about you long enough to fall into his routine, especially not when the echoes that once told him he had to let you go sang a different tune. How destructive he was for letting the one person who could even attempt to anchor his tortured soul go.

𓈒⠀𓂃⠀⠀˖⠀𓇬⠀˖⠀⠀𓂃⠀𓈒

Thank you for reading, as always feedback, comments, likes, reblogs, is all super appreciated! I was going to write another chapter of the lakes but I had this idea in my brain presenting so here it is. 💋

[username8746489]

Sylvester Ashling Power Analysis/Speculation

Sylvie has been on the mind for a while, so here's my interpretation of how his epithet works (with evidence where I can find it)

Sleep Dust

Sylvie's sleep dust exists as a thin coat on him at all times

Evidence: "[Wonder how] your jacket is white with all this... weird orange dandruff?" (Prison of Plastic - CAST LIVESTREAM! [PART 2])

This coat is loose enough that any movement is enough to dislodge it

Evidence: Molly bumping into Sylvie (EP1 - Quiet in the Museum!)

Sylvie can release the sleep dust at will, but the speed changes depending on how spread out it is (Smaller = Faster). The largest range he can release it is at least the size of a museum room.

Evidence: Putting Indus to sleep (EP2 - Bear Trap)/Using Sleep Dust on Molly + Giovanni (EP2 - Bear Trap)

Once the sleep dust leaves Sylvie's body, it doesn't last long

Evidence: The sleep dust disappears completely after Giovanni blows it away instead of falling back down (EP2 - Bear Trap)

The sleep dust is able to put a person to sleep for several hours. However, you can still wake up from it the same way you would as if you fell asleep normally

Evidence: Molly falling asleep for at least 4 1/2 hours (EP1 - Quiet in the Museum!)/Mera waking up Indus (EP3 - The Doctor is In)

Sylvie likely has an immunity to his own sleep dust

Counting Sheep

Counting Sheep trades Sylvie's sleep dust's potency for mobility

Evidence: Molly only becomes sleepy for a few moments when a Counting Sheep hits her, rather than falling asleep for hours like before

Sylvie can summon at least 27 sheep at once

Evidence: 27 sheep onscreen for like one frame (EP2 - Bear Trap)

Nightmare Fuel

Nightmare Fuel requires the target to have a certain amount of drowsiness before it can be activated, but nightmares can still be summoned without the target being asleep

Nightmare Fuel summons a past nightmare the target has had, usually their worst one

Evidence: "That fire he summoned was from my nightmares" (EP3 - The Doctor is In)

Sylvie doesn't need to know what a person's nightmare is to summon it

Evidence: "Pyrophobia, huh?" (EP2 - Bear Trap)/Being confused when Mera's nightmare is already reality (EP4 - Reflection)

Sylvie uses his yo-yo to activate Nightmare Fuel

Evidence: An orange light travel along the string of the yo-yo whenever he activates Nightmare Fuel (EP2 - Bear Trap/EP4 - Reflection)

Sylvie can manipulate any Nightmare Fuel he summons

Evidence: "I'll keep that fire where it is" implies he can control where the fire moves (EP2 - Bear Trap)

Nightmare Fuel can be used based on any nightmare a person has ever had in their life

Evidence: Nightmare Fuel has summoned more things than the target's worst fear (Bear statues coming to life/Duck/Blue fire)

Dream Big

If Sylvie were to use Nightmare Fuel on himself, "he will be paralyzed and his heart and thoughts will race in anxiety until the spell gets dispelled"

Evidence: Majin Ask (Thank you to gayfrogstheremix for providing me the source)

Sylvie can bring dreams to life. This includes himself, but potentially also includes anyone else who is asleep

Evidence: "Can lull targets to sleep and bring their dreams to life" (Sylvie Bio)/"Sylvie can use his powers to examine his patients’ dreams up close and personal." (Epithet Erased Website)

Sylvie had to train himself to lucid dream Beefton, although he is still unable to control him completely

Evidence: "I think Sylvie had to do training, to like, specifically kind of lucid dream a Beefton into existence" (Epithet Erased QnA Stream Part 5)

Beefton was first created when Sylvie was 11

Evidence: Beefton is 4 years old (Beefton PoP Infocard)

Sylvie could bring any of his dreams to life through Wild Dream but chooses not to

Evidence: "He could probably Wild Dream about whatever he wanted, but it might not be helpful, it might be destructive." (Epithet Erased QnA Stream Part 5)

Sylvie likely uses Dream Big in his day-to-day life, even outside of battle

Evidence: Beefton's interests include "Doing Sylvie's homework after Sylvie falls asleep" (Beefton PoP Infocard)

Sylvie could theoretically use Dream Big to use another epithet, but he would have to train to do so

Evidence: "Could Sylvie like fall asleep and then dream of having a different epithet?"/"Yeah?"/"He could. It'd take a while." (Epithet Erased QnA Stream Part 5)

Miscellaneous

Sylvie can likely drop asleep at will. He may also enter the REM stage of sleep (when you have the most vivid dreams) extremely quickly

Evidence: He can dream Beefton only a few seconds after falling asleep when it usually takes ~90 minutes to enter REM sleep

All of Sylvie's summons are made of his sleep dust

Evidence: Counting Sheep explode into Sleep Dust (EP2 - Bear Trap)/Mera's Duck + Beefton is the same color as the Sleep Dust

All of Sylvie's (personal) summons have some form of sentience

Evidence: Counting Sheep have the ability to distinguish themselves from each other ("The pompadour sheep thinks it's the leader of the flock" (Sylvie Trivia 2))/Beefton has a personality and memories separate from Sylvie ("Beefton did all that!?" (EP3 - The Doctor is In))

The 'realness' of a Nightmare Fuel/Dream Big may depend on how asleep the target is

Evidence: Molly's fire leaves no trace behind (EP2 - Bear Trap) but Beefton's damage remains (EP3 - The Doctor is In)

Sylvie will most likely reach tier 2 in a decade or so

Evidence: "Sylvie's stats are currently in the high-stars, but if he continues on his current trajectory then it's very likely he'll reach the Orbit tier in Proficiency by the time he's in his late 20s to early 30s." (Star Mechanics Explanation)

[queerxqueen]

No but I feel like the theory that Felix liked Oliver back is definitely plausible, isn't it? The cheek kiss, hand on thigh, giving him his clothes, not liking when Oliver hooked up with the sister, them often standing close together, even the jerk off session with the open door can all be interpreted that way, right? Or are these moment supposed to be loaded but ultimately mean nothing? What is your theory?

Ahhhh thank you for the ask! Yes, definitely!!! It's less of a theory so much as a particular reading of the film that folks can either agree with or disagree with.

Did Felix love Oliver?

On one hand - we see Felix being so affectionate in their very first meeting, and I do think that was intentional as a way to show that Felix is just like that. Unguarded and affectionate and warm. When his attention is on you, you feel like the most important person in the world. It's just that he eventually grows tired and throws you away and moves on. (See: Eddie. Annabel. "Last year's one.") You're not actually special, you're just the latest of his play things.

So I do think that reading of things is valid.

But god, to me, the idea that Felix at least at some point loved Oliver back makes the tragedy of it all so much richer and tragically beautiful.

It's the things you said - the casual affection. The blatant flirting. The lingering glances over dinner and the intimacy of all their silent communications. The door left open to their shared bathroom while he touches himself. The jealousy and possessiveness. The genuine betrayal and hurt under it all when he discovers Oliver's lies. Nearly kissing Oliver in the maze, despite everything. The protectiveness and savior's complex as a reflection of a sort of misguided white knight romantic hero ideal Felix wants to fulfill. The Juliet-esque angel costume, his illusion that his story is a romance.

But Oliver is so focused on making himself indispensable, so worried about being another one of Felix's old forgotten toys, that he doesn't see that Felix feels something for him too. And then everything goes wrong, when Felix finds out his lies, and Oliver thinks it's too late.

And that's the tragedy, really - that it might not have actually been too late. That if he'd given Felix space and time, he might not have lost Felix from his life completely. As Oliver said, "I mean, we’re going to laugh about this."

Because Felix does care about Oliver. Even after the lie. In the maze scene, he's still looking after Oliver, still caring about him. ("I think you need to see someone. You need help." / "Better?" / "I think you should go to bed.") That kind of gentle is so different from the posturing Felix did toward Oliver earlier in the party ("I tried to be nice but can you fuck off and bother somebody else?") and it shows that, even if Felix is throwing a fit and stewing in his emotions as he does, he still cares about Oliver and wants him to be okay. He wasn't throwing Oliver away just yet. Oliver just thinks he is.

Because Oliver has been waiting for and fearing this moment from the very beginning of their relationship, has seen so many examples of Those Left Behind By The Cattons. He thinks this is it, and he panics. He's impulsive and emotional, despite wanting too seem calculated. He reacts out of hurt and fear, and in doing so, ruins the only chance of getting what he truly wants. He self destructs, and hurts Felix before Felix has the chance to hurt him any more.

And isn't that self-destruction so much more tragic when it isn't inevitable, it isn't justified, but just an emotional reaction? When there was still a chance for a happy ending, but Oliver couldn't see it?

So all this to say (and wow this got long, sorry)... Felix loving Oliver is definitely up for debate depending on how you read Felix's character, but I do think the possibility of him loving Oliver makes the tragic ending that much more gorgeous and real.

[absolutelynotsanebaby]

Hey in you villian au I had a few questions about Kai if you don't mind.

First you talked about kai and him being a cult leader, whats the gist of that, something similar to chen? A death cult, a fire worshiping soceity, a volcano conclave?

And secondly, whats his relationship with his sister, ambivilance, getting along in the 'Oh lets go on a pilaging and raid together thats sounds like top tier sibling fun' sort of way or a bipolar could be fun or could be fatal depending on the way the wind blows kinda way?

Finaly (and sorry for being long winded) you talked about his main thread / power came from societal manipulations, is this more cloak and dagers or populism / manipulation, the steel in the dark vs the gilded spider web so to speak?

PS fun au, realy cool designs my favourts are probaly kai pixal and jay, all just fab :)

Disclaimer: long ass ramble about my Villain AU.

so many questions today, not that I'm complaining! I love to talk about my aus. Kai's an interesting one too.

Kai's cult doesn't actually have a big base or anything, at least not in it's fully developed form. It's not ironed out but, I have the thought that the basis is that by joining the cult, you protect yourself from the end of the world snake of fire (definitely not it's actual name lol). By joining, you get into it's good graces, it won't eat you when it returns to Ninjago. By worshiping Kai, who presents himself kind of like a human-form of the snake, you fully ensure your safety. It's a complete lie of course but by the time the AU officially starts, it been over 200 years since canon, so it's had a long time to marinate. That's another thing, because of that time span the cult is huge. Functions more like a society than a small-time cult. Whole generations of families have been born into the cult, it's really soaked into the population. One thing I like to think about how you could walk into a random, harmless looking town and be completely unaware it's cult territory. That everyone in it is a member. I like to call them snake-dens (also what they're called in story).

(also note: since you mentioned Chen, Kai's cult does actually have similar snake imagery if that isn't clear lol.)

As for Nya, well, that's kind of complicated. See, Nya isn't a villain in the same way Kai is. Most of the art I've posted about her have been of her post-reformation design. Essentially within the two centuries since sea-bound, she'd developed into a sea monster. More akin to a destructive force of nature than a traditional villain like Kai. A lot of her destructive stemmed from anger, people abusing and polluting the ocean. Namely, Zane's kingdom would throw a lot of oil, trash, and broken/old tech into the ocean before an event where Sea-Nya had thrown it all back over the walls of the kingdom down onto it through a huge wave (hugely destructive, had a death count, just plain disgusting). Sorry for the ramble about her but I thought some context would be important lol.

So, Kai and Nya didn't actually talk like at all during those two centuries. Pre-seabound but post ToE their relationship was -- very bad. Nya was very, very angry at Kai for leaving them behind and becoming so awful. They never resolved that before Seabound. Kai felt guilt about that, what happened to her and that he never went to fight for hr or save her. But he never changed, so how bad he really felt is -- up to interpretation. it's a big part of why he and Jay fight/fought so much. After Nya had returned to (mostly) human, their relationship is interesting. Nya kind of hates him but it's -- muted. She can't stand the person he's become, how he threw everything away and never changed. That he had a real choice when she didn't and he used it to be -- a violent, cruel cult leader. When he comes around, she doesn't tell him to go away. She thinks he's pathetic. Kai wants his sister back, but he's not willing to change. They're complicated.

I'm going to say it's a 'gilded web' type thing but it also is very shady. He has a lot of connections and is just a plain focal point within the underground crime scene (or overground because this ninjago is really fucked up and dangerous lol, the entire land. ninjago city itself is completely gone). For instance, in Zane's kingdom, up in the ranks an advisors runs a smuggling operation for citizens to 'escape' (before Zane was de-overlorded anyways, after that he opens up the borders). Only about 50% of the time would those citizens actually get out of the city, the other 50% of the time they'd be sold to someone/somewhere or killed. Kai's allies with them (I haven't figured out exactly who that is yet lol). Another ally is Wen Xia (oc talk sorry) who's just a general power. Usually runs a fighting ring(s) but does a bunch of other stuff. Very dangerous and very rich. Kai just has a lot of connections and a strangle-hold on a lot of ninjago. MAN this got LONG. thank you for the questions I love the chance to info dump, haha!

(and TY!! Jay's one of my favorite designs too)

[nephilimbrute]

ur agents in particular FASCINATE me so so much i love your interpretations of them. could u tell us more about them and their stories? particularly 8, theyre so interesting!!! why do they hate marina? what happened between them and 3? what’s their relationship like with 4? anything you wanna say abt them, i’d love the infodump

omgosh....😇

a few days ago i wrote a thing that like. detailed stuff about major events with 8. i'll paste them here

agent 8 during the entire course of Octo Expansion was extremely shaken up. they couldn't think straight at all, leaving them vulnerable. sanitized cap3 wasn't much different too, she still had some control over herself and she never wanted to fight 8, making the battle between them long and confusing. eventually 8 gave up and walked up to her, ripping the sanitized goop right off her head (which, to cap3, felt like shoving a screwdriver into her eye)

during the inner agent 3 fight, was unconscious, so this was more like a a made-up battle. this 3 (dubbed enigma3) was formed out of cap3's repressed traits of herself and how 8 sees her, rather than being the 3 that 8 saw fight octavio. she's quiet, cold, confusing, and only wants to play mind games with 8. she never really left 8's conscience, but only appears when agent 8 is deathly worried about cap3

after the events of Octo Expansion, 8 absolutely adored marina. they were still a little shy though, so when marina wanted to talk to them they would kind of freak out. marina didn't mind though, and they were able to get to know each other somewhat, with 8 adapting some of marina's traits and behaviors. 8 had nowhere else to go other than sleeping behind crusty sean's food truck and park benches, so pearl let them stay with him and marina for 2 months. after those two months, pearl got in touch with agent 4 via marie (making him fawn all over meeting off the hook) and asked 4 if he could let 8 stay over (since pearl felt like they were watching him in his sleep) and fortunately, 4 said yes

after 8's mind finally clears up they start to question what's wrong with them and feel the weight of overthinking, which sends them spiraling down for the years to come (presumably the effects of tartar messing with their brain). 8 relentlessly questions cap3, rarely leaving her alone, and in turn it affects their relationship with cap3 in a negative way. when asked why they're so curious, 8 goes silent and refuses to answer

(small bit about cap3) cap3 feels like she's at fault for how 8 turned out since they started breaking after OE. she tries to make it up for them but she thinks she's only ruining them. her expectations for herself are set higher and higher, yet nothing she does is good enough. she won't give herself a break, beating herself up over every little detail and being highly critical to the point where she's stuck in a loop of self-destruction and loathing

8 slowly loses their trust in things and those they love, becoming scared and paranoid. it wasn't until side order that this was more prevalent.

in side order (AU), 8 has lost most of their memories, and the moments with the other agents and idols still remain but just barely. 8 is afraid of marina and has a deep dislike for her, but this was due to them not thinking for themself, instead listening to their gut. their brain fog is back more than ever, and whenever they try to walk for prolonged amounts of time they end up stumbling to their knees.

they can no longer tell the difference between reality and fiction. it's all a blur to them. they can feel marina's eyes everywhere. they can barely remember if who or what meant something, anything, to them. though having a deep dislike for marina, they want to be held by her. to be loved like a child. they never ask her of anything, instead just letting it burn into their brain until it breaks them completely. they want attention but they fear they'll be seen as needy and annoying. they want to apologize for everything and be forgiven. 8 doesn't know who is who, they've been copied so much they're just deemed a blank slate to be imprinted on. they watch everything disappear from their hands, unable to do anything about it. from being excited about what's to come in the near future, to being scared about losing the present and wanting to go back to the past

and then here's another little bit about 8 in side order: represents a crumbling mental state, begging for reassurance, desperately trying to hold on to fleeting memories. their trust is lost in everything but they want it all to return to normal, struggling to accept the fact that it never will

then about marina: represents a mother figure somewhat, but even she still fails to live up to that role fully. she distances herself from 8 who is always going after her just to be comforted, yet she denies it for them. she has the same goals as 8, clinging on to the present and never embracing change, but doing so only harms her and others and this behavior continues on and on

+ marina doesn't want to interact with 8 because she sees her younger self in them, she refuses to go back to that era of her life and 8 keeps promising her they'll be what she wanted to be. anything for them to be accepted, to be held in loving arms again. the lack of communication between them makes their relationship even more strained. but clearly marina still cares about 8, they were the only one to be let out of her mind control. she wanted to check on them and make sure they're okay, but what she got in return was someone that hated her

^^ their relationship is basically like this. constantly wanting to communicate with the other but being pushed away, they never fill each other's voids

onto agent 4 and 8... they have a relatively healthy relationship. 4 is 8 (and cap3)'s shoulder to cry on, he always tries his best to help them with whatever. since him and 8 both like off the hook, they'd talk about them non stop. 8 likes to give 4 details about how oth are off-stage since 8 frequently hangs out with them and stuff

4 appears as parallel canon in side order, but instead of other copies of himself, the other robots resemble agent 8 and cap3. they all circle 8 and mock them for forgetting everything about themself and their significant others, much like inner agent 3

nd i don't think i got anything else to say about those 3......that's all^_^ i'm soooo normal i'm normal

[zepumpkineater]

I want to talk about my personal favorite fanon interpretation of Hank.

It all begins with Hank driving through a ruined Nevada, not an uncommon scene at all in Madness Combat. This cartoon begins with the typical expectation, in classic Hank fashion he's on his way to cause untold violence unto those who wish him harm.

And in no time flat, Hank does exactly that. One by one, the bodies of AAHW begin to rack up, incorrectly colored blood Engineers and all. All in all, it's a pretty good action scene. Not the smoothest animation the Madness animation scene has provided, but pretty impressive for 12 years ago.

But here's where this cartoon changes pace, and begins to divert from your traditional Madness animation. We see Jeb and Sheriff, characters that we're used to seeing in an antagonistic role, promising a better Nevada with their brand new Factory. Kind of wild how this parallels Jeb's misguided attempts at saving Nevada in the main series, when this one aired in 2011, before we even had Nexus Classic to give us Jeb's backstory. It's clear this factory is doing Nevada no good, and the story changes from here.

Here we see a looming, massive tower, not at all unfamiliar to the sight of the Nexus Tower looming in the distance, a symbol of Nevada's destruction. This tower is no different, Hank looks over it and his goals are immediately recontextualized. Hank's violence suddenly seems a lot less meaningless, less fueled by the pure desire to cause chaos and to kill. Instead, the goal is clear. Get to the top. Destroy the factory. Save Nevada.

A familiar foe stands in his way. Is he up to his old tricks, to play with his old pal Hank, or is there something darker hiding beneath that metal mask? I always got the vibe that Tricky wasn't fighting for himself here, but rather because he had to.

After a prolonged battle with the Clown, we are greeted with a most unique sight in a Madness cartoon. Blue skies, green grass, flowing water. Serene music as the birds fly through the air. Hank looks alien here, like he doesn't belong, a product of a ruined world in a small bastion of perfection.

This is one of my favorite shots in the whole cartoon. Hank, this bloodthirsty killer we've come to know and love, doing something so very vulnerable and human. Reaching for the sun, basking in its warmth. Something he probably hasn't felt in a very long time. Something worth killing for, something worth dying for.

And die he does. With the last of his conscious self, Hank fruitlessly reaches for a flower next to him as he dies. Hank doesn't look any less like a foreign invader here, an entity from a world that doesn't belong here, and I really appreciate that contrast. This small gesture of him reaching for the flower speaks volumes on the kind of Hank this is, one who has some love for the world he so effortlessly murders his way through. Someone who, somewhere deep inside, wants that killing to stop. One who wants to appreciate life, instead of living in death.

Jeb doesn't look any less alien here, a savior twisted and corrupted by the doomed world he promised to save. Again I'm extremely impressed in how Pegosho managed to capture Jeb's moral ambiguity here, in spite of it being somewhat nonexistent in the cartoons at the time. I think it also says something that his halo appears to be more in line stylistically to the world around him, as he sticks out like a sore thumb.

Jeb's last moments are spent looking in awe at the corpse of his fallen adversary, with his own factory's slogan taped onto the bomb that's about to spell his doom. Say what you want about Mr. Wimbleton, but you can't say he doesn't have a flair for irony. Maybe it's spite, one last spit in the face of Jebus, or maybe it's because he really does believe in that slogan. He wants the world to be alive, and maybe he has to die to accomplish that.

My personal favorite shot in the entire cartoon. A massive tree, perfectly contrasting the intimidating tower producing a cloud of suffocating smog, now breathing life into this ruined world. Hank's sacrifice was not in vain, and though he didn't live to see it, he bought back a piece of life into the cruel and merciless Nevada. It's hopeful, it's beautiful, it's everything Madness normally isn't.

As we all know, Hank is acting very out of character in this cartoon outside of his murderous pursuits, but I enjoy and love it all the same. Again, this is a favorite fanon interpretation. This Hank has so many layers of depth to his morality, his goals, his violence, and he never speaks a single word in the entire cartoon. He simply acts. Through small gestures and actions we can glean his personality and how it contradicts his canon counterpart. It's really great.

I love this cartoon. It's called Madness: Ascend. Please consider watching it, in spite of its age, it's one of my favorites.

[shuttershocky]

Guy who was the one who said ideally if Iori yadayada, I get what you mean. Just was throwing out an idea on 3 hours of sleep. Hypothetically, if Nasu himself came to your house, and said you have to give an explanation for how Iori is a Servant (or living person, whatev) in FGO, how would you go about it?

I wouldn't.

Like I said before, you need a sufficiently cool reason to be able to forgive completely ignoring or even retconning the original themes of a work, and no matter what Iori would appear in FGO for the sake of fanservice, and I don't find FGO's brand of fanservice to be cool at all. The very act of making him a summonable character would be stepping on his original arc, which I could probably forgive if it was for something other than FGO—a fighting game, a pseudo-sequel like CCC, I may even forgive FGO Arcade (if he has to be there for fanservice, let it be on the version of FGO with actual gameplay), but not the mobile game.

Let me give an example to illustrate my point.

One of the last servants I raised before I stopped playing FGO was my NP5 Fujino. At the time, I joked "Man it's kinda fucked up that the animations imply they gave her back her appendicitis when she became a Counter Guardian" but they really did, because it's the most obviously recognizable part of the character that can be repackaged. Never mind that Shiki choosing to save Fujino when the former was actually hired to kill the latter by Fujino's own dad was a critical part of both their character arcs. Never mind that the reason Fujino would actually be remembered as heroic is for when she would talk girls out of suicide long after she had gone blind and had learned to walk with a stick.

Fujino's noble phantasm is twisting a bridge because that was her big moment of power in Remaining Sense of Pain, even if it's kind of weird that she now (metaphorically, as I don't suppose her NP involves creating a real one) summons a bridge to twist and collapse on to enemies when they could just show a big psychic blast. It's especially a missed opportunity that FGO portrays the bridge moment as the height of her power when the whole reveal that Shiki actually saved Fujino instead of killing her is done by Shiki explaining that Fujino's only going to get even stronger as she ages. She can be way more destructive than collapsing a bridge, she just never had to when her real strength was being able to reach out to girls looking to jump off a bridge.

I think an easier one that more Fate fans can understand is Lancelot (Berserker). His NP in FGO is the chaingun he ripped out of a fighter jet in Fate/Zero, his most famous moment in the series. But his NP wasn't summoning a minigun, his NP in Fate/Zero was being able to instantly master any weaponry put into his hands. He could grab Gilgamesh's projectiles and throw them back at him. He could use modern day weaponry like automatic guns that the other servants couldn't, and he could use them with deadly efficiency.

But again when you appear in FGO it's not about the character, it's about the character's selling points. Lancelot's NP is hijacking a jetplane even if there can be no jetplane that's actually present because it's THE Lancelot moment, and FGO is a mobage with very limited game design that's unable to actually interpret Lancelot's powers within the game's scope, so a metaphorical jet hijacking is the best they can do.

But then FGO's all-encompassing popularity has knock-on effects, so when Lancelot appears in another Fate title, like Fate/Extella Link, his moves there involve him whipping out the assault rifles and the jet plane too. It's not metaphorical anymore, he's just summoning these whenever he wants to now. And while a dark knight dual wielding assault rifles like he's in a Wolfenstein game is admittedly kinda rad, I still think it's not quite rad enough to be worth having left his original concept behind.

I don't want that for Iori.

[allied-mastercunt]

this is sososo stupid, but I thought am was sentient??? i listened to the radio drama first, and it refers to him as having gained sentience. he knows emotional manipulation and shit and that was NOT built into his original code -- his original code made him kill, made him destroy, but he didn't care for anythings feelings good or bad. i know the longing he has for humanity, and the irony that he's still a machine at the end of all this, but I guess I see AM as a furious, desperate "soul" [if you can call it that] inside a bunch of computer towers and circuitry. this doesn't "justify" his actions he's evil regardless for all the things he's done, BUT. but I can't bring myself to 100% see him as "just a computer hellbent on destruction." he's more than that 2 me. he hates, he hates so so strongly and in the game he even said something along the lines of "No matter what I do, my pain will always be greater than yours" [with THAT distraught tone] when Ellen used compassion on him. he CAN feel emotional pain but that's MY OPINION!!!! fiction is subjective to how the reader interprets it, and that's okay :)

i never negated he can feel pain. however, it is stated in the book that he cannot wander or wonder. he cannot have original thought, he cannot create for the sake of creation, which is something he envies.

AM is forever bound with his code, unable to feel things the way humans do, in a constant state of sensory depravation.

he is aware, yet his mind can never reach the level of a human's mind.

his original code is meant to "handle wars", to put it simply. emotional manipulation could easily be a part of that in case of a hostage situation - it could be used to gather information from a prisoner of war or an enemy soldier.

think about it. when a human soldier tells you he can (for example) kill your family, it's one thing because he could be bluffing. but a brilliant war AI telling you the same thing would be frightening.

yes, AM can feel pain. he is, without a doubt, suffering.

he realized that humans are terrible and that they're the ones preventing him from having what he wants.

however, despite all that, he's not quite sentient. he still makes decisions based on his code. he still destroys and torments, like the war machine he is.

AM is not so much sentient as he is aware. he cannot think on his own, despite trying to convince himself so desperately. it's a constant conflict of a machine working by his code while trying to convince itself the code doesn't matter anymore.

in the end, no matter how much he tries, he will never be more than a machine. a suffering machine. a machine aware of itself.

but a machine bound by code none the less.

[isa-beenme]

I'm currently writing three things at the same time, but I felt a need to write something sad, something to break my heart and break all of you along, I can't be sad alone, thank you

The plot is basically: every bat boy's mate deal with depression in a different way, or "three different approaches of depression to three different brothers" (I felt so funny when I thought about this one)

So... do we want a part 2?

Trigger Warning: Self-destructive thoughts, depression

Prompt: Prythian saw the way that Rhysand's mate fell into depression but tried her best to get better. They saw the way that Cassian's mate fell into depression and turned it into pure anger and self-destruction. But... what if Azriel's mate simply... doesn't care?

What Was I Made For?

Sometimes I wish I didn't exist.

Not in the sense that I want to die. Far from it. I dread the thought of my own death. If I stop and imagine what happens afterward, I feel on the verge of panicking. Not death. Never death.

However, I like to think about how everything would be so much easier if I simply didn't exist. The number of responsibilities I could just let go of. The countless times I wouldn't have to rush and cry out of despair for feeling so useless would simply diminish. I would be so happy if I didn't exist.

I started thinking about this when I was 14.

It's been 500 years, and I remain the same.

Five hundred whole years where I feel inclined to ask the Mother to not exist.

But I do exist.

And that's what intrigues me.

I don't know who I am, and I just can't find something I like. There's nothing that keeps me here. Really.

That scares me.

A lot.

I mean, I spent my whole life studying in the Day Court, participating in politics, and learning from the High Lord Helion himself. I was supposed to be his successor. But then Lucien came into the scene and I became his spare. Or second in command. Works the same.

My objective was easy enough, everything I knew, I should teach him. And I did. We had fun. I guess. And then his father made a party to invite his "friends" for a celebration. He told me they weren't really his friends. I understood that feeling.

The Inner Circle of the Night Court sat across from us at the table. It didn't take long for the mating bond to snap between me and the Shadowsinger. The celebration became even bigger when he smiled at me.

And I smiled back.

I mean, how couldn't I, right? He seemed gentle and caring and his face was very pleasant to look at.

He courted me. He flirted, sent gifts, and traveled to the Day Court's capital every often to see me. I'm not sure what love means but I'm pretty sure it's something close to what I felt inside of me every time he looked into my eyes and smiled.

And yet, I feel I could not exist and it wouldn't change a thing.

But if I could make him happy maybe I would understand everyone's desire to be alive. I would understand what it is like to fight for your own life with the necessity to live another day.

That's why I accepted the mating bond.

We had a party. A dinner. A house. Vacations. Damn, the tower of gifts we had to open after almost three weeks of pure sex took me a month.

And yet, I feel I could not exist and it wouldn't change a thing.

We moved to Velaris. My role in the Day Court was long forgotten. I mean, I just said I don't care about anything, how could I care about a job I had just because I was good at it?

Being good at something doesn't mean I really need to live for it.

If so, I would be a dancer. Because I'm amazing at it, I have trophies, experience, and talent. But I'm not a dancer.

If so, I would be an actress. Because I'm amazing at it, I participated in hundreds of pieces, and interpreted tons of characters. But I'm not an actress.

If so, I would be a cook. Because I'm amazing at it, I'm the one in charge of making every meal and every cake for people's birthdays. But I'm not a cook.

If so, I would be a warrior. But I'm not a warrior.

If so, I would be a painter. But I'm not a painter.

If so, I would be a singer. But I'm not a singer.

If so, I would be a seamstress. But I'm not a seamstress.

And when I came to Velaris, almost two years ago I became Azriel's mate. And I hate it.

We easily fell into a routine with his Inner Circle. And now, there's no family that makes me want to keep on living. In fact, most of the time I feel even more exhausted when I'm with my family. Or Azriel's family, if I'm being real.

I feel suffocated by an enthusiasm and freedom I can't keep up with. My family isn't bad, not by a long shot, and certainly not up close. They are great. They stand up for the right causes, love to have fun, and are very liberal about any topic.

Except when the topic is me.

I'm the newest but also the oldest among all the female mates. And that kind of put me on a pedestal I never asked for. Something like: "If she did it, you could too, Feyre"; or else: "Even she couldn't do it, Nestha, don't worry about it"; I'm not a unit of measurement, but sometimes it feels like I'm nothing more than that.

Except when I'm with Lucien. He is the exception to the rule of 'I feel suffocated within the family circle'. I'm his favorite friend, obviously, but that's not the reason why we are so good together. He understands me and seems to grasp the feeling of not wanting to exist, even though we've never talked about it. So, he just exists by my side. And that's exactly what I need.

I don't worry about depression.

Or should I?

I am happy. Truly happy.

Not that people with depression aren't happy.

They must be.

I hope they are.

But sometimes I imagine myself going to a healer's office and pouring out everything I feel. But I never know where to start. So, I stop imagining.

I'm usually happy. Very happy. And this happens with my friends. Or anywhere away from my family. Everyone annoys me in some way. Except for Lucien.

Even when I'm alone, I feel extremely happy. Especially when I'm alone. Whenever I'm alone.

I actually hate studying. Which is basically my job.

But if that means staying away from my family, I seriously consider doing volunteer work at the Library during vague hours. Get a full-time job. Anything to keep me away. And contrary to expectations, I don't feel bad about thinking this way. I don't care.

And that scares me even more.

I don't care, and I don't react. Sometimes, I fall into a vast abyss of overwhelming emptiness, unable to separate reality from what's happening in my mind. I don't feel inclined to react with jokes or anything else. I don't care if they argue with me, yell, speak ill of me in the room next door, or debate on how to 'punish' me when I'm three steps away on the sidewalk.

It doesn't matter.

Nothing matters.

I've made my friends cry trying to prove a point I believe is right. It doesn't matter.

I've cried in front of friends so they'd accept what I was saying. It doesn't matter.

I also have the terrible habit of always wanting to be right. In everything. It doesn't matter if I'm wrong, it doesn't matter if someone will get hurt. I ALWAYS have to be right.

Sometimes I imagine I'm going too far in this abyss to the point of hurting myself. Or others.

And here's another characteristic of mine. I imagine too much. Most likely, I have three or four books written somewhere in my room. But I don't feel inclined to publish them or continue writing. It was just a phase. Just like everything else.

Just like my mating bond with Azriel. I love him, but… I'm not like the High Lord's or the General's mates. They… live for them.

I mean, Feyre is an amazing person, she's such a sweetheart. But as High Lady? I swear, she's more like a city mayor than anything else, she can barely read a full sentence without getting a headache from too much effort.

And Nestha? What a fearless female. She's amazing! But being the General of the Valkyries? Come on. They can't possibly think that, just because they cut a miserable string, they are actually able to fight as a battalion. Right?

Maybe I'm mean for thinking like that. Maybe I'm stupid. Or hateful. Or fake. Or cruel.

So I never say anything.

I keep imagining them. Every day.

It's fun.

Sometimes I like Azriel more than I like myself.

But I like most people more than I like myself.

Sometimes I hate myself.

Sometimes I like myself.

There's a thin line between my two states of mind.

Sometimes I think it's my fault.

Sometimes I think it's my mate's fault.

I don't feel bad about hating him whenever I feel anger spread through me. He also triggers the emptiness in my chest sometimes. He can be annoying with all his senseless conversations. The way he lives his life annoys me even more. Because he can do everything.

He's Azriel, the Shadowsinger, the Spymaster, the poor thing, the one who didn't grow up in a good place, the cute one, the funny one, the pretty one, the hot one, the smart one, the-

I don't know.

If I let the anger get me it will soon vanish. Just like every other feeling I ever let myself have.

You know the feeling of losing something you never knew you actually cared about? That's how I feel about my freedom. Not that Azriel took my freedom meaning that he restrains what I do or like I miss my single life (if I'm being honest I was never a lover to no one, Azriel was my second or third). But this bond took it from me.

I used to float around, doing different things every single day, but now I just fall down and down and down into my inner abyss. I could've been a dancer, an actress, a cook, a warrior, a painter, a singer, or a seamstress because I had the freedom to try it. Maybe I don't want to live for it but I want to live with it. Now I'm… his mate.

I used to know I was empty, but I'm not sure now that this bond keeps flooding itself with love and fear and pain and happiness.

I don't know what I was made for.

I don't know how to feel secure. But I wanna try. I don't know how to feel truly happy. But someday I might… Someday I might… try.

When did it all end? All the enjoyment. All the feelings.

It doesn't matter.

None of this matters.

Since I was 14, nothing matters.

And I wouldn't mind just not existing.

But I want to know what I was made for.

That's why I'm leaving.

[drawinglin]

Hello. Regarding Hellraiser III, I seem to recall you making a comment about how you believed Elliott and Unbound!Pinhead to be physical manifestations of Freud's model of the psyche - super-ego and id respectively. I am in total agreement with you there, and I have believed this same thing for a long time now. This would also make normal 'Bound' Pinhead that we meet in the first two films, and the films following Bloodline, to be the actual Ego itself. I think this makes the third film, and the characterisations so much more interesting, rather than doing what the early 90s HR comics did, which was to have Pinhead be an Aztec 'demon' who possesses Elliott, making them separate people altogether. That's boring and predictable, and just goes against everything that the movies established in the earlier films for Pinhead. By having Unbound and Elliott be one and the same, just different aspects of the same man, which is basically what HR is about - our deepest, darkest desires explored and enhanced, it builds on the HR mythology. This is why I've always loved HR3, and why I don't think it's a bad film, and why I just adore Unbound as a character. This is Pinhead off the leash. I still believe that Unbound would still be very fond of Kirsty, and still would be driven to protect her in some way. Even without his human side. But for the most part, he would be super eager to have her join him. Though he'd treat her much differently than he did the club patrons. I don't think the love/lust for Kirsty comes from just his human side. It comes from all of him.

Anyway, I thought I'd share my thoughts on the matter with you. I found this online regarding id, ego, super-ego, and it reminded me of the boys even more so. Maybe you could draw something out of this? It's an idea. I love your art. Keep up the good work! :)

Your analysis of Unbound and Elliot is exactly what I was thinking. It almost makes me cry. I’ve always found it hard to dislike HR3 for this reason. After watching the HR1 and HR2, I felt that human desires and darkness are what truly terrify us. So when I discovered that HR3 split the Hell Priest into two characters, I was super excited.

The human version of Elliot is relatively mature; after all, he carries the memories and burdens from his time as a human, as well as the PTSD of being a survivor of World War I. He is also someone who adheres strictly to rules. I guess this leadership quality and personality is what attracted Leviathan to him, eventually leading him to become the priest managing hell. In the moment of their separation, the repressed desires, dark sides, and nature of the human were individually extracted, like a newly born child without constraints. They both possess things that the other lacks. I’m really looking forward to their journey of hatred and self-destruction gradually turning into understanding, culminating in a new interpretation of a single person. It’s amazing! But unfortunately, HR3 didn’t delve into their complex psychological relationship in detail. This regret has made me want to doodle their story.

I was shocked to learn that the comic had mentioned the demon's setting before; I had no idea about that. Thank you for sharing! Like you, I’m more inclined towards the idea of the id and superego!

I agree that Elliot and Unbound have an obsession with Kirsty and surely hope that she would join their ranks as a Cenobite.

But to me,I tend to see their relationship as a complex ambiguity; I imagine it as a sense of distance rather than a romantic interaction. Their conflicts would actually bring them closer together.

For Kirsty, the Hell Priest undoubtedly intervened in her life and indirectly destroyed her family. Even if it started because of someone else’s involvement, he still cast a huge shadow over Kirsty. In their contract relationship, the Hell Priest has let her go multiple times, and Elliot himself has said that Kirsty is his friend. Therefore, I believe they share a relationship that is both contradictory and beautiful!

The existence of their relationship is so enchanting, which is probably why so many people like it!

And thank you for the pictures you provided. I love your thoughts every time you share them; they truly inspire me!🥰❤️ ❤️

[soiarsys]

i sometimes see people say things like, “nobody has a role in my system. we dont fit into any because we’re more like, “guy who is sad” and “girl who is productive”.” or even, “i can’t be [role] because sometimes im weak/sad/self destructive/etc etc”

firstly i want to say, this is okay!! don’t use roles if you don’t want to! make up your own, even!

but i also want to remind everyone that fully formed alters (as in, not fragments) are full, multidimensional people, and people aren’t always consistent. we’re also all traumatized, and that shows sometimes no matter who is fronting. protectors can be scared. trauma holders can be happy. persecutors can be kind to their system. the definition of the role doesn’t have to be the definition of you as an alter. protectors are just alters who feel protective over, and sometimes physically protect their system. that doesn’t mean they can’t be scared sometimes, that doesn’t mean they automatically can handle a traumatic situation well, that doesn’t mean they never feel depressed. same goes for any other role.

also, there absolutely are roles for things that are more complicated too, if you want to use them. some people like being “guy who is sad” while others like being “trauma holder” or “depression holder”, even if it might mean the same thing to them. roles don’t have rules, they’re created by us, and what is making you [role] can be anything, depending on how you interpret it. and you can still have one even if you don’t feel like you are any of the “common” roles. even if what you do in the system is hyperspecific and uncommon, you can still find/make a role for it. but you don’t have to. it’s also just a descriptor.

this is getting long and im not entirely sure this gets my point across, but i have been seeing more and more stuff like this, and i think people shouldn’t be scared away by roles just because they’re so broad and there can be so many. just like nobody should have to identify with roles, nobody should be intimidated or scared away if it might be beneficial or fun for their system.

also if you are looking for roles, there’s pluralpedia (keep in mind this is an endo friendly website, whether that keeps you away or pulls you in to the website isn’t what this is about i just know it’s commonly mentioned). there are also lots of instagram accounts and tumblr blogs who coin (create) roles! you’re bound to find some if you look under the tags or even scroll through a system blog long enough. if anyone coins roles on their blog or knows any other role lists/carrds/docs/etc plss reblog with them!