#interest from ppl i only know online even tho i do think it’s sweet but like. augh. and like even saying that feels very mean. but idk. just

[changbinsboobs]

if i had to put them in order of skz members id date itd be as follows jeongin > seungmin here me out but i think he would be a v sweet bf even tho he doesnt naturally show much skinship and such with his members he the sort to try to surprise u and i like that > changbin hes only third bc i think hes still got some things which he hasnt really dealt with for me to be like yh id so date him i wouldnt say no but its just i think u would have to keep boosting his self esteem all the time and hed be so clingy asf has too much aegyo as well... but would be more loyal than han or hyunjin

felix if he was older and a bit more maturer then sure but he reeks of gen z tiktoker vibes its almost like he speaks so much gen z language i have a hard time relating to him ik sworry im just not drawn to tiktokers and yes even my faves end up being so into tiktok that i still dont relate to them per se. even if he seems like a sweet friendly angel hes still been kept in the online bubble so much so that every week he has a new meme. but hes still sweet i will give him thats why he is one place above han

han is just really odd i dont know i cant pin it down but on the outside he seems friendly and decent but i still place him in the toxicracha line mainly bc i dont trust him and i dont know why i dont want to trust him but i cant bring myself too if that makes any sense? i dont think he would commit long term without being stingy... him and hyunjin give unstable vibes thats why i put them in this order

same goes for chan and his addiction to spicy noodles and live streaming for unhealthy amount or hours all my faves r so chronically online its making them less attractive but ik they want to keep interacting with their fans online so it makes them seem so deluded one sided and its like he is the sort that would obsess obsess about a toxic ex that he keeps going back too as in with his relationshio about stay but it feels like u dont actually connect with them cause its just via a literal screen so u only see what they want to show. u know the saying never meet / marry ur idols well chan falls under that for me, id meet him but be sus of him the whole time, he would be fun friend but try to tell any stay anything different theyll shit on u for it and im like theyre not all that sweet not all of them im sworry i love him in his performances but thats abt it. im sure hes interesting to chat with more than the last member its the whole manchild thing that is off putting with him and his weak ass aint got no sleep schedule or doesnt really try to look after himself so u would have to do it for him yikes and he is far too all over ppl wouldnt let u breathe without, maybe lowkey a stalker? like if u say u going on a long trip he be like secretly following u location and checking up every half hour idfk hes too needy of others company all the time

lastly is lee know i know i know but he doesnt seem to have much drive to be interesting sworry (from one scorpio to another he just doesnt vibe with me as he gives no romantic vibes at all really plays into the dead inside act very well and its just kind of not attractive really, i dont think lee know has self esteem issues more like self absorption issues. fr. and if he cant speak english that well and i cant speak korean that well we gonna be struggling to communicate bruh it would be worse than watching paint dry the only reason i like lee know slightly more than chan he would make great chef thats his only pro and he loves cats. i dont know why but if he was wanting sexual favour he would be mostly focused on what he wants out of it and if u not up to his standard he be like bye he dont want u. yh id avoid him

skz gives young vibes but also sometimes theres a bit of immaturity in some of the members (the older ones esp) along with some members having the dgaf vibes ??? theyre just confusing to grasp in some readings

id be so interested in what ur order of skz members for who u would date or ur reasonings for why or why not etc. anyway feel free to agree or disagree i dont mind and sorry for rambling lmao

I actually agree so much with your ranking, if i were to look at it all logically only id probably have a very similar ranking, with very similar arguments for it. BUT I am a heart-ruled person and i need my heart to be satisfied which means i definitely need to feel physical/sexual attraction towards the person, i need mad chemistry which includes stuff like similar humor, matching communication style, matching views etc - yk. Just in general I've found that i get along best with people that are most similar to me (self-absorbed much?😂) and sooo I'd do my Ranking like that:

1. Changbin ; 2. Lee Know ; 3. Seungmin ; 4. I.N ; those are the ones i would give a chance Changbin being the only one i would gladly date.

5. Felix ; 6. Chan ; 7. Hyunjin ; 8. Han

Those ones i wouldn't date but still for the sake of the ranking. Explanation follows:

Changbin i would date him cuz i see sooooo many similarities between us. Thats what attracted me to him in the first place, and as i got to know him even better with time and through readings i found lots of our core needs/values/views/experiences/wounds even are very similar which makes me feel some sort of understanding from him - even if we don't know each other😂 but i feel like he's that type of person where if something happened we would just give each other the look and both of us would instantly know what the other is thinking cuz we think the same. And then later on we would dissect it or whatever it was called when after a hang out with friends u call your bestie and then asses or whatever the whole hangout😂 I think he has a very healthy balance between feminine and masculine and i need feminine qualities in a man to be able to relate to him and be best friends, but i also need a him to have hot masculine qualities so i can see him as a lover as well and feel sexual attraction. Also im Slavic/Balkan and i must admit i have a weak spot for men that look like that/have that vibe and i think Changbin really excudes that and it even reminds me of home a bit😂😭 aside from just finding him super attractive😮‍💨🤤 He has a really specific charm to him i can't even put into words. It baffles me how there's not oceans of women/fans falling on their knees and barking for him like for other idols with a similar image.

Lee Know i wouldn't willingly date because i don't think there would be any romantic emotions involved but we also have very similar personalities and interests and even views and i think i would get along with him really well and i see him being a great partner for a lavender marriage or something😂 especially cuz theres this idgaf and i think even if theres no romantic attraction we can have a good partnership and life together, have nice home in the mountains, a nice veggies and herb garden, habe quite peaceful life with grannies and animals around us - ugh ill love that honestly. Oh and he's also nice to look at😂

Seungmin isn't per se what i envision for a partner even if he's great on paper - i would say he's too earthy and virgo for me. Too dry. I ALWAYS need Firey men or at least Airy ones and he ugh idk, i don't feel attracted to him at all, i don't feel we have ANY compatiability be it romantic, sexual, friendly nothing - Buuuutttt thats what i've seen of him only through the Skz content they put out, and i believe he has very good boundaries and this "dryness" is for a reason. I believe he is very different when he has a crush or pursues a partner or works in a relationship. And i am a person that doesn't get interested or crushing first. I get a crush only when i know the other person has a crush on me too or starts pursuing me. And I have given guys chances that have given me THE ICK originally but once the start showing interest i melt. So i think seungmins one of those types and i would definitely give him a chance and try dating him and see where it would take us.

I.N is very similar to Seungmin in my ranking with the whole - no compatiability & attraction BUT he's a bit lower cuz i also see some aspects of him that i don't really like in their content for example like his sense of humor or just other small stuff that would putt me off or annoy me. Nevertheless i think he could be quite flexible and if he likes someone i think he's genuine in his intentions, loyal and has good qualities to offer as a partner so i would give him a chance too.

Felix i wouldn't date seriously. The most i would do is have like a fling or something or just date him casually. But i don't do flings and i don't do casual so...i placed him first (in the second ranking) tho cuz he has a very androginous look that i really like, and he's surprisingly masculine and i can't resist that😮‍💨🙌🏻 its my weakness. I think he can be really really charming short term and if were to ever slip and drop my standards a bit and open myself for some casual dating he would definitely have a chance for that at least.

Chan i wouldn't date but again if i ever were to get a little more...experimental within my dating life i would give him a chance just for the plot😂 thing is i don't think he could even do a REAL relationship even if i wanted to. I don't think my guy has the capacity for that at this point in his life unfortunately. I think he had to sacrifices development in certain areas to make room for development in others (his career).

Hyunjin would just be too much for me, i don't like men who are too impatient, too pushy, too dramatic, too overbearing, too emotional, too obsessive and i don't meant that specifically only towards me - i see some of those traits in him in general and i think he would be just too much of a hassle for me, i would see him as a burden and as a son or something weak i have to take care of and rebuild every other week and even thinking about it makes me recoil💀 sry. And on top of that despite his conventionally good looks i don't find him attractive as a man/partner and that leaves me with a lot of cons a zero pros when thinking about dating him so thats a no, i think i would stay far away from him, the closest ill ever want to come to dating him would be some slight flirting. Thats it!

Han, i totally agree with you, i find really peculiar and i would say I'm a bit peculiar too. Contrary to common beliefs weird+weird doesn't equal normal and i have found for me to be able to regulate my specific needs or not escalate or spiral into certain patterns, when being surrounded with people that don't exhibit that, is very helpful. I would not feel comfortable around han long term and i think i would not get along with him long term too because we would be clashing and lashing out at each other all the time. I think we also would constantly trigger each other. I believe that might be the reason why back then him and hyunjin hated each other so much.

That concludes my long Ranking post😂 if you agree or disagree feel free to comment.

[puppy-phum]

tag game ✨

thanks for tagging me zey @thasorns ♥ i teared up at your addition about me, that is so sweet :( i miss our dff talks too! idk what you're into these days but would love to talk about some show with you again :')

-

1. why did you choose your url?

bc am obsessed with one (1) man who belongs to another amazing guy ♥ (been thinking about an url change lately tho bc i'd like to put last twilight and the hurt it caused behind me but haven't found something else to tie myself to yet. maybe we are and phumpeem if the ending delivers?)

2. any sideblogs? if you have them name them and why you have them.

not really. the only side blog i have is my og url vishcount saved for nostalgia purposes but there's nothing on that blog

3. how long have you been on tumblr?

started on this hellsite (affectionate) on the lord's year 2013 and it shows

4. do you have a queue tag?

i don't use the queue much so no. you will only catch me reblogging like ten posts in a row when am online/in the mood and then going back to lurking again

5. why did you start your blog in the first place? 

i was into a bunch of animes and tumblr was filled with amazing fanart. i wanted to be able to look at them in peace

6. why did you choose your icon/pfp?

to show who my url is about ♥ mork my beloved

7. why did you choose your header?

wanted it to fit the theme. also i adore the last twilight rooftop kiss, it's one of the brightest spots of the show

8. what’s your post with the most notes? 

most likely this the untamed edit from 2020. i was truly living my peak back then :'D tbh i feel like the whole of tumblr was living its peak when the untamed was airing and when we all lost it together for the longest time after

9. how many mutuals do you have?

way too many and i adore all of them, tho i probably forget or cannot recognize most of them. especially if you've changed your url/main fandom OR i have, we might not even know each other anymore haha

10. how many followers do you have?

more than i deserve and idk what all of you are even doing here but i like feeling like i'm part of some type of crowd ♥

11. how many people do you follow?

quite recently i unfollowed some inactive blogs and blogs about things i don't really care for anymore so my follow count is a nice number of 205

12. have you ever made a shitpost?

uh. i don't really know? do some posts from my finnish tumblr (suomitumppu) era count? :'D

13. how often do you use tumblr each day?

am chronically online and i open this app like a fridge

14. did you have a fight/argument with another blog once?

no, not really. am not really one to share strong opinions, especially negative opinions, publicly online which i think is the cause of most arguments ppl have here. i'd rather just keep my peace and be nice

15. how do you feel about ‘you need to reblog this’ posts 

mostly i don't like doing things when am told to do them

16. do you like tag games?

yes! it always makes me happy to know that someone is thinking about me and i do find these a lot of fun to do ^^

17. do you like ask games?

also yes. i just don't often reblog those bc i don't really have a lot of interactions on this site. if i find an ask game with very interesting questions, i might forward it to kiddo @i-am-just-a-kiddo and we do it together privately to enjoy it like that ♥

18. which of your mutuals do you think is tumblr famous?

the first one that comes to mind is hanyi @ruanbaijie who i think deserves all the recognition for her absolutely amazing giffing skills ♥ she's also the sweetest so idk what's not to follow, make her even more famous if you can!

19. do you have a crush on a mutual?

nope. idk if i function like that tbh. i have some huge friend crushes tho and want to be closer with some ppl a lot! not mentioning names bc am shy haha

but i want to say that monica @stormyoceans is very important to me these days. she brightens up my days and makes my whole fandom experience so much better by simply being her enthusiastic and authentic self ♥ never change!

and also jessi @oswlld who i still cannot believe is someone i can call my friend and bestie on this site. i am so happy we've gotten to share bad buddy, vice versa, and last twilight together! also happy to hear about your life at times and to just share silly things with you ♥

third one i want to mention is shannen @icouldhyperfixatehim who always manages to stand out in a positive way. we don't interact much but i cannot help but feel very giddy about their presence on my dash. they leave the best tags and every time they reblog any of my edits with their tags, they manage to make me feel like i've made it and my edit was worth the effort :'D so thank you!

20. tags?

want to tag at least @psychic-waffles @foxofninetales @hils79 @sherrymagic @srnileforme and @thitiponqs ♥ also the ones i mentioned before are free to join and anyone else who wants to do this!

[inoriemiko]

It's ap funny how, before last week Friday, when I fist met my current FP, I had been so numb and empty and tired with no motivation and the only thing that brought me any emotion was spending online and my new found hyperfixation on perfumes?!

But after meeting him, I feel like my life has a purpose. I feel happy. I feel excited to wake up, I want to live to see next year. I have a new motivation to do well in this final year of uni. I don't want to kms anymore. I'm greatful for life.

And he's so sweet. He's generous. Actually gives me time out of his day unlike my previous FP. He's nice, he shares one of my special interests (SCP), he shares my faith as well and, though he's the anxious/dependent type, I don't mind.

One thing that worries me tho, is that he's like me. I see myself in him(get you head out of the gutter you animal) in terms of my mental illnesses/neurodivergence. It scares me to see someone so much like me. But I admire how brave he is to actually voice his worries and needs. I'm so used to internalizing every thing to the point it becomes self hatred. I'm jealous of how brave he is.

But I like him. I fear I may be obsessed with him. He lives so far away, like in the US while I'm in the UK.

I fear I may have freaked him out with my over enthusiasm or my un ladylike nature and my special talent to speak before I think and I feel his distancing himself from me.

He'll probably block me over night, or unfollow me on All social media or just ghost me entirely. If he does that I don't know what I'll do with myself. I'm taking everything to personally again. I'm really restraining myself from splitting on him for something as innocent as falling asleep during a call. If I do it's over, for our relationship and for myself.

I like him, a lot but every thing he does that doesn't sit right with me makes me hate ms. It's just an endless cycle of abuse. I would do anything to not hurt him, he's so precious and should be protected. He's gone through enough already and I want my silly little emotions to be the last of his problems.

I also fear that if I tell him all this, hell think he is the problem and distance himself from me even more which would make me hate myself even more cause the problem is me not him! I don't want to lose him. I'm tired of losing ppl I like. I'm so tired...

Anyways, I genuinely forgot the aim of this post, I'm just ranting at this point, lol.

[pepprs]

yeah naur i have gotten some very strange outbursts of potentially romantic attention out of nowhere in the last couple weeks huh!

[mithliya]

have you ever had a run in w a tim? and what happened ?

a few. my first ever irl one was at the lesbian strength march in leeds in 2019 lool they were giving away pamphlets and he came up to me and was like “this is a fascist and dangerous hateful gathering!!” n i was like “oh? how?�� and he was like “they said only females can come and are excluding trans women and that’s soooo hateful bc how do u even know 😤” n i was like what’s wrong with having a lesbian march and it only being for females ?? u can just go to another one. n they were arguing u can’t tell whos female or who isn’t and used themselves as an example & i was like ermmmm i can tell you’re male and the person next to u is female tho.. and the woman was like HOW WOULD U KNOW THAT !!!! so i looked at her double d’s which were practically out and then at her face again like.. girl there’s no question about ur sex wym ._. anyways then another brown lesbian interfered and she was very very sweet and i think she even bought me a lesbian flag n was like “anything for a sister” so i forgot about the TRAs in the end

the second time that sticks out to me was still sorta online but more personal. my ex wanted an open relationship bc of some shit about needing to be with ppl with similar bodies to her to be more comfortable in her body bc my body is too flawless or sth i can’t remember exactly but it was sth along those lines. she ended up dating a trans woman on the side (which i wasn’t for, i was like “how would this help when the trans woman literally has a penis and a different body from u idgi…”) anyways the trans woman ended up being obsessed with me and would talk about fantasising about me to my gf a lot. my then-gf was like “oh, she wouldn’t be into that and wouldn’t be interested in u” and the tw was like “why?” and my then-gf said “she’s penis repulsed” which then ended w the tw being like awww thats so sad :( i hope she gets therapy and gets better. which my then-gf agreed with and was quite upsetting for me to hear lol. the trans woman even ended up making a Facebook account with an arabic name and set the location as bahrain and the pics on it were weird hentai images. it was extremely creepy bc this tw is american and im the only bahraini they knew. anyways we ended up breaking up & she ended up dating the trans woman then came out as non-binary or sth im not sure (kinda lost track) and when they broke up, the trans woman turned out to be an abuser. i mean i already had a clue bc several women spoke up about being assaulted & abused by the tw etc but were ofc called terfs. but anyways that specifically truly peaked me.

[yamagucji]

a series of thank you’s i’ve been meaning to give for a while now. please note i couldn’t get everyone bc im smol brained and im forgetful :(( also its vedy long so i added a readmore link but if it’s okay then i can remove it!

i would’ve preferred to go to your inboxes/dm’s but im scared t🤢umblrs going to glitch on me if i do it again a ha ha

@doublemoons

i remember you sent in my first ever request and i was SO happy like🥺 my account had no visibility on week 1 but then you somehow found my blog and since then you’ve been supporting me. i love the aesthetic of your blog and i always look forward to your rb’s because they so cute and insightful !! ik we haven’t talked much but i definitely perceive u as a gentle person here’s 1k hearts for you and you only <3

@insanityqueen

please i was *intense squealing* and *happy noises* when you said you wanted to be mutuals :’) im definitely uhhh way too immature for u but you still stick with all the caps and !!! i send you😭 you’re such an interesting, talented person. day 1 you got me HOOKED with your art and im gonna say this again,, i have never seen skin look soo s o f t painted. im really grateful for your company and all your cats and the hinata art you made me🥺 i am not still thirsting over it i swear and then you sent me pieces of your writing and i def expected hc’s but then BOOM🧍‍♀️ im so amazed by your writing. also you are vv pretty i hope you know that

@zephyrria

matching heart memes matching heart memes😾 i don’t talk to you as much but our main form of communication is literally exchanging heart memes w/o a word,,, if that isn’t true love idk what is :// anyway i love our little convos so much it always brightens my day! and omg lets not forget when you made me a drabble back😳 like wha- HUH !! i was so touched i rlly went boom boom woosh bc no ones ever written me one back and i!! that yamaguchi gives me so much comfort. you give me sm comfort, thank you bub <3

@beanst0ck

hehe my first tumblr crush😼 as soon as i deactivated my reading account to my a writing blog i was like “ok bean is on my top to-follow list” like i thought you were so cool and i was vv shy to interact with you🥺 and YOU STILL ARE COOL!! your works are really amazing and i am vv much still in love w my matchup w suga :’)

@killuababie

HHHH GRR BORK BORK I LUB U B NEVER GONNA STOP LOVING YOU BHH💓✨ bro,,,, when we switched over to insta it was WILD like— our sense of humor? matched. immaculate. please i love seeing all the memes u send me it makes my day so much like u don’t understand😭 and our convos really go chaos sometimes gkfjdj i love it. u need to pull up and play among us w me sometime 😡

@bewwybun

m-my first spouse🥺 even tho it was a joke the first time and i said sike fkdjdjdj but you still accepted my dino chimken nuggie ring hehe <3 bub your are literally the CUTEST HHHHH LIKE,,, cuteness overload !!! i love talking to you sm and our little exchange of heart memes make the butterflies in my tummy go ✨

@mei-writes

may🥺 imy bub i hope you’re doing well and taking good care of yourself. still very grateful for that time you pulled through to check which of my links weren’t working. and there’s a LOT. like the fact that you took time out of your day for me still baffles me. anyway im lomve you ik we don’t talk as much but you’re still a valued moot to me. im offering u free headpats hehe

@kozsma

hi maria👉👈 you’re so wonderful and rlly amazing w your smaus. absolutely smitten over our chaotic conversations fkfjd we haven’t talked in a while but if you see this just know that i’m here for you <3 take some self care okay? hope you’re doing good bub

@tsukkeisimp

dalia, you wondering being💞 please what did i do to deserve your love >;( we don’t talk much but we have exchanged heart memes before and you’re always out here supporting me whenever you can and like!! tysm bub. i hope you’re feeling better from the last time we interacted, and please do take good care of yourself!

@satorispup

can’t believe you made a reputation of having a piss kink. what power. what energy >>> anyway it’s fun seeing your chaotic energy on my feed/tl. sometimes i won’t even look at the user and say yeah💔 that’s hero alright gkfjdj also you’re so cute what the heck😡😡

@tobiokvgs

[ insert 100 hearts ] this for u bub. im still going crazy over your tsukki lipbalm piece like i was so FLUSTERED you really did that huh😭 you’re so nice and sweet, ty for giving me headbonks as well im really glad to get them😌 hope you have an amazing day bub, and take care!!

@bunnyuuji

cutecutecutest bean ever🥺 you have such wonderful works and im truly in love with your writing😌 also you’re so SWEET WHAT DID I DO TO DESERVE U GKFJDJ literally you weren’t obligated to stop by my ask and check in but u did >:(

@yanderepunkin

hehe ik we haven’t interacted in such a long time but im including you!! bc i appreciate you!! i know you’ve supported me a lot especially when i just started this blog and im really thankful for it. also uhhh im still not over accidentally turning off anon when i was- yeah😿 i wish you all the love in the world, and please do take gentle care of yourself 💓

@ahkaahshi

frannn👁👁🤲 yes im gonna start with how big brained you are. your passion for textiles and improving the environment is vv cool to me. and then there’s the fact you write these hq characters so well. yes i am absolutely still living for your character analysis. i am thriving off of them!! here’s me manifesting kita and/or sakusa to show up in your dreams hehe

@sachirou-senpai

i hope you dont mind me sending u stuff every now and then! anyway im in awe of your writing and art skills. you brought a realistic yamaguchi and i ascended😳 i genuinely think you’re such a cool person but also please take breaks!! ik it’s such an overused phrase but i genuinely mean it. i care u <3

@kenmakodzu

you’re so sweet and you do really be sending me back some heart memes😳 i go BOOM BOOM yaya that’s more to my collection;) also you and your hq anon interactions go WILD omg it really does make my day more interesting whenever i see them😂 also i do be seeing some of ur chaotic energy on my dash and i am HERE for it

@tsukkisbean

hemlo clara🥺 d-do you remember me gkdjshsjs i think its been a while since we interacted. you’re so sweet and AHH lmao did u know we were in a poly with wiss😔💔 yeah❤️ n e way i hope you’ve been alright these past few weeks, and if not, please get some break!

@atsunflower

miya twin supremacy😡 can’t believe you made me swerve over to osamu’s lane because of your amazing writing. how could you. the mf audacity. i rlly do fell in love with that piece do so THAMK U and that also goes for the support you’ve given me💗

@lespaghetti

ozzy👁👁🤝 ngl our conversations have been top tier im glad i got to uhmm,,, get some of these *thoughts* out of my head. you’re such a sweet little bean!!! that art/sketch you did with the purple (?) themed uniforms was really cute. im glad to have u as my moot and *cough* my vip reader *cough*

@sleepykarabou

our heart meme streak was strong until school happened😔 but i really enjoy them tho!! it’s very calming talking to you (fun, but also vv calming idk that’s how i feel) loving the brainrots we give each other of our favs from time to time :’) also omg OSRRY im barely active in the server please spare me😿 im lomve u

@nerdybreadcollaborative

gee!! AHHHH KGFJJD GRRR u sweet bean oh my goodness. where do i start- ??? i’ve already gushed so much abt your writing but here we go again; i love your writing so much and your attention to the little details is so great. they flow so well and i hope u get more visibility bc it’s what u deserve!! also please take care of yourself and don’t work too much u nerdy bean

@nishinoya-is-baby

ely my plant kinnie, my spouse (?) and also the blog that i dump my h word thots on😭❤️ ahhh im lomve you, you’re amazing. from your writing, to your makeup skills, and your room, the talent really ✨jumped out✨thank you for supporting me so much, i genuinely appreciate it. i hope we can stay moots despite me being busy gkfjdj anyway take care bbie don’t work too much okay?

@art0saurus

TATE😤 the amount of hq brainrot you’ve fed me is astronomical. idk how you keep coming up with such good ideas but im all for them!! i love your writing so much and the plots are so *chefs kiss* (yes im still gushing over mermaid!bokuto). thank you so much for sending some bits of positivity into my life, im really grateful for it :’)

@dorkyhaikyu

EL!😼 you sweet bean. wish i could bombard ur asks but school is saying no </3 you’re such a sweet mutual and your writing is absolutely amazing. still kinda hurt over that angst u made💔 but anyway i loved it sm. also please wear safer shoes next time on big events so u dont get any more BLISTERS kgjdjdh jkjk

@chickenwingspiker

nashnashnash🥺👉👈 wth you’re so cute and even cuter with the little emoticons u put in my asks. i really appreciate you taking time out of your day to check in on me. i think your works are really heckin cool, im still very into that sock agenda one and the akaashi fic AHH i love them sm. i hope that u have better experiences with online learning and i really wish you all the best on ur art journey <3

@miyastrology

did u forget abt our walk to the strawberry field😿 jkjk heyyy atlas!! im lomve your theme and your writing. i have the urge to say you’re as sweet as strawberry bc im unoriginal like that💔 let’s just pretend i put something kute :’( n e way u are vv cute, make sure to take care of yourself ok!!

@derpeedoo

your rb’s and comments on ppl works... i just... my heart is full. im complete. i go absolute doki doki for you. you’re such a genuine person and you give people so much love❤️ here’s an unlimited supply of my love to you bc you deserve it. ty for all the cute questions btw🥺

🕊 anon - still wondering if ur one of my already-moots or not😳 but anyway dove anon i have a lot to say,,, like how ?? do u go “ok let’s check in on aaron today hehe” like am i interesting??😭 i feel kinda bad ngl you really don’t have to talk to me. but nevertheless im really appreciate of all the support you’ve given me. i genuinely think you’re a cool person and you do all these fun stuff like photography which is amazing. here’s the biggest THANK YOU i could ever give <3 ps. your art is CUTE and AMAZING @bee-kins

@simping-for-tendou

do i??? spam your feed??😭 you’re always liking my posts and i feel so sorry for spamming but also vv appreciate of all the interaction i’ve had with you!! im very glad i got to ask you qotd and stuff because i got to know that you like plants as well!! thank you for sharing plant facts with me, it really made my day. i genuinely think you’re such an awesome and big brained person for knowing all those facts🥺👉👈

@wissaaltje

ngl i was very intimated by you bc of all your angst and really good works which is probably why i never reached out to you sooner😿 ur my uhhh third spouse <3 but anyway your CHAOTIC ENERGY is thru the roof i love that sm and your writing is so mf beautiful i wish more people got to see it😡 i will gib you flower soup and muddy pie to make you feel better ;) jkjk but you’re very amazing and i hope you know that!

@smolbludandelions

hehe you’re in here😼 thank you ???? for supporting me even tho you’re not obligated??? like wh- i- bub🥺🤲 you have all my heart and i rlly rlyy want to stop by your inbox and give you heart memes but me why >;( i hope you have the most amazing day(s) of your life because you deserve it SO much.

@tadashi-simp

FINALLY someone i can simp over yamaguchi with😭 ik we haven’t talked much but AH i love the conversations we’ve had so far and all that insight you gave me about the new wanda film (truly a blessing bc i was so genuinely confused gkfjdj).

@oikaw-ugh

just. JOLLIBEE. can’t believe one of our first interactions was u sending me chain mail smfh i cannot believe you😭 anyway po i appreciate you so much na kaka tawa ako sa mga msgs mo and all the good vibes u radiate. mag bisaya unta ko nimi pero baka mag nosebleed ako😿 im losing my native languages it’s not even funny anymore but when i got to talk to u in my mother tongue, i felt a bit more at home. thank you bub <3

@makemealive

hihi👉👈 idrk what we first talked about, i think it was spending vacation in the galapagos islands??😭 riding turtles??? what a great way to start our friendship :’) i rlly think you’re cool and i just,,,, admire u from afar- yeah. sorry this message is too chaotic but anyway u might not have a green thumb but look at you growing potatoes accidentally😌 anyway i think you’re cool i just haven’t said it before because im s Hy

@lostsealscreams

seal, bub, i genuinely care about you. you’re such a sweet person. i know we haven’t interacted much but im looking forward to more conversations with you!! please find little fun things to do... maybe do some self appropriation if you can, bc you deserve it. maybe even treat yourself... or any self care tasks that make you feel better. i care about you a lot, im just an ask/dm away if you wanna talk about anything at all💕💞✨

@hqgardenia - jkjk this is my spam account idk why i put this here but here probably bc im dumb as fuck

[reversecreek]

clicks onto the dash wearing kitten heels n coyly holding my bang....... hi. me again. it took me so long to select a gif to use on cricket’s intro n i settled on this one bc he looks so unsure abt his smile n it’s rly his essence <3 u can find his pinterest board here n his (work in progress) spotify playlist here. hmu to plot!!! 

* alex wolff, cis male + he/him | you know cricket donahue, right? they’re twenty-two, and they’ve lived in irving for, like, all of their life, on and off? well, their spotify wrapped says they listened to should have known better by sufjan stevens like, a million times this year, which slipping on wet leaves to photograph a tree struck alight by lightning, delivering a tedtalk to your own reflection to hype yourself up to buy groceries, hiding your hands inside of your sleeves in case you grew an impromptu megan fox thumb overnight thing going on. i just checked and their birthday is october 1st, so they’re a libra, which is unsurprising, all things considered. ( nai, 24, gmt, she/her )

HISTORY:

cricket ws born to a couple tht lived in lilac ridge. their trailer was tucked closest to the woods n always fell under the shade. it was like the leaves wanted to pretend they were a perpetual hanging cloud on the family n that was kind of fitting. their only reason fr having him in the first place was a kind of shrugged like........... we’re under the income bracket we’d get child benefits so why not! may as well try it to rake in some extra cash! needless to say they didn’t rly think it thru or anticipate all of the responsibilities tht came w children n wound up seeing him as an extremely large burden n boy didn’t he know it!

(child neglect & abuse tw) i’ll try to keep this part vague n brief but things were Not Good for cricket growing up. people in lilac ridge didn’t like his parents n it was for a gd reason. he remembers foggy things. being little n wandering around combing the grass with a stick to search for wrappers to suck on bc he was hungry. feeling uneasy when the front door opened. finding out his name was cricket bc the insects used to crawl into their trailer thru the vents n his parents liked to squish them into the carpet -- his mum told him as much once. i think this says a lot. to excessively trim the fat of the story he wound up entering the system at around 8 after his latest and most serious hospital visit. his parents hd to deal w the authorities n last he heard they bounced to evade charges.

(anxiety & violence & trauma tw) cricket sustained a few lifelong injuries from his time in lilac ridge. his knee didn’t heal right which meant he had (n still has to this day) a limp n he’s partially deaf in one ear. he’s always been an incredibly insecure n anxious person so this mde him rly self conscious going into a strange n new environment tht wld b difficult fr any kid to adjust to, nvm w these added worries. he jst felt like something weird to ogle at honestly. he probably wld have felt like that no matter where he was or what he looked like. he cld be in a huge hall of 200 people all wearing the same uniform n he’d still feel like the odd one out. needless to say this didn’t rly help him make friends

cricket’s coping mechanisms were romanticising the things tht other people found ugly or embarrassing or painfully ordinary. he liked it when the rain hit clunky drops against school windows n forbid everyone from playing outside bc he could feel the vibrations through the rubber soles of his shoes n it was a little bit like hearing all of the world at once fr just a moment. he liked medieval fantasy lore about stout gnomes w crumbs in their beards n cheeks red from ale. he liked fallen nests with the remnants of hatched eggs still dirty from the branches n soil they’d hit on the way down. he liked the way the sunlight leaked thru the leaves of the trees in the woods and how, when he sat very still, he could tune into the ringing that was always in his ear n pretend it was coming from the same place, that light thru the leaves, that the angels were trying to talk to him.

he spent a lot of time in the red room at his high skl (i’m begging u this is not a 50 shades reference) (after googling i jst realised it’s called a darkroom bt i’m leaving this fr the sake of sexy bimbo authenticity) n felt quite at home in there. he borrowed a camera whenever he cld (maybe he did yearbook) n photography became his way of immortalising the world as the romanticised version he wanted it to be. his memories were bad bt his photos were beautiful. maybe if he took enough they’d paste over n bleed into each other. maybe bad cld be replaced w beautiful if he tried his very best.

he got placed into fostering w a family once bt apparently didn’t meet the vibe check of their tastes so he wound up returning to the group home he’d initially been placed in. overall this is where he grew up n he aged out the system rather than getting adopted. there was a sense of floundering/isolation/not feeling gd enough in tht bt cricket made do the best he knew how. 

that said there were some gd points! (shocking i kno bc his life hs been so fking bleak so far bt please it’s ok........) (is it?) (🤔). basically he interned as an assistant at this local photography studio during high skl working under this kind of whimsical yet endearing old man. suspected wizard possibly in cricket’s eyes, as an avid fantasy genre reader. for one of his bdays said old man / his boss bought him his very own film camera n cricket cried bc he’d never been bought a bday gift. this ws rly embarrassing bc this old man didn’t know how to emote n neither did cricket so he ws jst sort of sat wiping his eyes n sniffling saying he wasn’t crying as the old man pretended to suddenly clean his lenses. when cricket graduated he offered him a full time position there. they do like. wedding photographs n family portraits n all kinds of things...... pay isn’t huge bt it’s something n he Loves taking photos so it’s sexy <3

PERSONALITY:

SUCH an anxious person it’s actually unreal. overthinks absolutely everything he’s ever said. one morning he might hv put green socks on n for the rest of the day he’s nervously looking around like omggggggg they’re all looking at my socks probably thinking im a little green sock boy thinking i’m a fool n a jester this is all everyone’s probably thinking about i hv to hide my green socks..... even tho literally no-one cares

once saw a girl eating a chicken wing n in his head was like ok she likes chicken good future gift idea..... n turned up at her house with an entire rotisserie chicken

probably thinks WAY too hard abt what to write in bday cards n googles like generic ideas that he can use.... u open a card from cricket n it always says smthn weird like “Warmest wishes and love on your birthday and always!” or “You deserve everything happy. Wishing you that all year long!” tht he got off google

nervously fiddles w things a lot. literally anything. his hair. the cuffs of his sleeves. a thread on his bag. u name it

struggles w eye contact sometimes............ it’s like. he wants to talk to ppl n make friends bt he’s honestly so bad at it. he’s fumbling thru life like a nervous headless chicken

ALWAYS has his camera on him. like always. will tke a photo of u bc he thinks u look nice then be like im so sorry im so sorry...... bowing his head shakily holding his camera bc he doesn’t even kno what possessed him he jst thought it’d be a nice photograph bt boundaries exist. probably breathes very heavily over this later in his room panicking thinking he nw seems like hannibal lecter

probably more confident online bc he has time to think abt what he says more.......... i can see him hving a group of online friends tht he’s more confident w. honestly he’s pretty witty at heart he jst has a hard time verbalising things so ppl overlook him sometimes bt once u get to know him more / he’s more comfy he can b a funny little man.....

loves photographs where he cuts something out of them. loves missing spaces n voids. thinks it’s a rly interesting concept when something that isn’t there becomes the focus of a photograph where everything else is. probably loses his mind fr a collage like a front row 1d stan. likes experimenting w light n perception. pretty artistic honestly hs probably made a stop motion film in the past bc that’s just an extended form of photography in his mind bt i doubt he showed anyone

ummm...... very sweet bt like. he reminds me a lot of this quote. “he had the awkward tenderness of someone who has never been loved and is forced to improvise.” feel like tht sums him up quite nicely

WANTED CONNECTIONS

someone he met at a wedding: cricket probably ws forced to photograph a wedding fr his boss one time n it cld b interesting as a place to meet from that....... like. i can imagine either it being rly awkward maybe he accidentally spilled a drink on ur muse n was stuttering rly apologetic n it ws just a train wreck. or mayb they took pity on him or even (in a shocking turn of events) a shine to him n invited him to drink n dance. omgggg the thought of cricket trying to dance makes me wna die n probably mkes cricket wna hyperventilate bt idk maybe he went wild n let loose. mayb they wound up damaging the camera somehow. mayb they had to scramble to get another one n ur muse covered the cost n it was a strange late night excursion tht cricket thought about a lot since. cricket probably vowed to pay them bk somehow no matter what. idk. we can work things out. lots of diff options here. doesn’t have to b a wedding either can b any event tht required a photographer

ppl he went to school w: pretty self explanatory i suppose...... maybe they were frm completely different worlds..... mayb ur muse was popular n cricket was definitely not but they got paired fr an assignment n had to work on a project together....... mayb cricket asked ur muse on a date one time n it was completely embarrassing bc he didn’t realise they had a bf n it haunts cricket at night still bc he’s rly dramatic.... mayb ur muse felt sry fr him n ate lunch w him n inducted him into their group like a lost puppy finding a home.... world’s our oyster

neighbours from his brief time at lilac ridge: not to reference taylor swift but i’m gna reference taylor swift n say we cld do a seven inspired plot here. sighs a little..... then sighs a lot. he was here ages 0-8 so idk. we cld work out childhood plots perhaps....

sickening simp: i mean.............. cricket probably gets crushes on ppl so easily like just. anyone who’s the slightest bit nice to him.................. he’s a disgrace. ok i take it back. bt also please get it together freak............... i didn’t say that. he’d probably b extra nice to this person n try n pay close attention to things they liked so he cld get them little gifts. just a bit embarrassing n lovestruck bless his heart. wldn’t expect anything back tho honestly that just isn’t something he tends to do.

let’s go gays: cricket’s bi but he probably was rly in his head abt liking boys n tried to sort of squash it internally during his younger yrs...... i think he’s more comfy w it now MAYBE idk bt back then i picture him having a friend tht ws kind of like. similarly loserish as him perhaps (no offence to ur muse potentially filling this plot or cricket bt let’s face the facts) n they’d hang out n play games a lot n one time it jst kind of happened n he was like............. *struts in looking around sharply* What going on here? except not. bc it’s cricket. more like *shambles in looking around anxiously* What’s, uh... What’s... the happenings? S--... I’m sorry. (immediate apology for saying what’s the happenings bc nobody talks like that n it was an impulsive panic bc he didn’t know what else to say)

those who grew up in the system w him: maybe at the group home or i’d also like the family that fostered him n said sayonara. honestly i imagine the parents just thought he ws a bit too much of a handful / had too much baggage which is rly quite merciless n terrible but. if u think that aligns w ur muses home situation hmu......

um. can’t think of more bt just anything honestly. jst go wild.......

[gotatext]

                   hllo ! i’m nora ( she / her, 24, gmt ) crawling back to this rp once more like the dirty sewer slug i am !! i just can’t get enough, baybeyyy ! u may remember me frm such roles as alma putnam, rory bergstrom, bridget matusiak or greta o’driscoll 2 name jst a few.... sure there were more over these long years, bt the show must go on.... this is mimi, she’s dogmatic, tenacious n single-minded 2 the point of recklessness, she doesn’t like handouts n she’s funding her degree through her onlyfans account n moaning abt shit on tiktok. we love 2 see it !!  slam that like button n i’ll creep into ur DMs like the slippery worm i am   OR u can discord me at that bitch carole baskin#8664.   a humble pinterest.

『ALEXA DEMIE ❙ CIS-FEMALE 』 ⟿ looks like MIMI MARTÍNEZ is here for HER SOPHOMORE year as an ARCHITECTURE AND SOCIAL ANTHROPOLOGY student. SHE is 22 years old & known to be STRONG-WILLED, GOAL-ORIENTED, ARROGANT & EASILY BORED. They’re living in MORIS, so if you’re there, watch out for them. ⬳ nora. 24. gmt. she/her.

this is p embarassing but i actually originally wrote mimi for a discord rp based around love island asgjag dont laugh at me but it was so chaotic n someone deleted it w-out telling any of us so i lost her bio.... all her threads....e verythin.... it was mad. but anyway we startin from scratch w this intro so bare with

mimi is a really extra character so when trying to flesh her out i thot of the most extra thing i could do n made a colour coded mindmap with watercolour paints detailing her values, aesthetics and early life. shoot me

background: she grew up in a trailer home in boulder city, abt half an hour from vegas. her mom had worked in a vegas casino for most of her 20s but relocated to boulder city for a slower pace of life / lower crime rate when she started having kids. mimi has 2 older brothers n she’s the youngest. has that invulnerable younger sibling complex n basically thinks nothing can touch her. very confident in her own intelligence and her ability to get shit done 

has mexican ancestry on her mom’s side. doesn’t know her dad. was raised with spanish catholic principals n found it all very stained glass windows and extra n that’s why she was kinda drawn to the decadence of vegas and all these massively high key aesthetics, like dia de les muertos was her fave thing growin up just bcos the pure feel of the festival and painting a sugar skull on her face n being able to party on the streets in a flower crown where everyone was kinda anonymous but together in this celebration

in boulder city her mom worked as a carer as there’s a lot of retirees there. mimi really resented the slow pace of life, longed for some fucking energy n life. she was a cheerleader in school but outside of school there wsn’t much to do except practise stunts and go on bike rides.  occasionally they’d get dressed up and catch a bus to henderson, the next biggest city for them to get tht sweet night life

her teenage years consisted mostly of hanging around the renovated motel blocks used as housing projects n tanning by the pool. very florida project if you’ve seen that. she reminds me a lot of the mum in that. also she started working as an avon rep going door-to-door when she was 16 bcos she wanted to have her own income. like as young as 14 she’d decided she was smart enough to go to college but she didn’t have the money n her family didn’t really see it as a worthwhile thing, her mom was very like the mom from matilda “you chose books.... i chose looks!” which i think is where a lot of mimi’s more shallow / appearance-driven traits come from

wasn’t really ‘cool’ until high school. before that she was a bit of a lisa simpson type. won a spelling bee when she was 9. was in the mathletes squad in middle school. when she went from middle school to high school she started cheer and tried to reinvent herself basically. always been very concerned with social mobility and keen to socially climb, like when she enters a new situation she’ll find out who the alphas are and quickly try n befriend them

when she turned 18 she moved out and went to vegas despite her mom hating the idea bcos it was everything she’d tried to get her kids away from. she worked in the clubs there for several years as a shot girl, a table dancer, n eventually she started workin behind the bar in a strip club. in the club it ws really hard to resist becoming a dancer bcos of the sheer amount they made in tips. no one really pressured her into it she just eventually decided tht it was way more logical to do it while she was young n fit and had the stamina and ppl were willing to pay to see her body so she started taking pole fitness lessons. she also started working as a cam girl around this time

working in vegas strip clubs is basically whats paid for uni. like she didn’t go at 18 like most of her friends did bcos she didn’t have the money and she didn’t want to feel indebted to a college like she had to compete for her place and not put a toe out of line bcos she was on a scholarship. she was determined to pay her own way and it took 4 years of working really hard and saving n even tho she was working in vegas she basically never went out bcos every penny she had needed to go on uni n thts how we get to radcliffe baybeeyy

part 2  - interior / values / personality

values: the aesthetic !! literally loves the aesthetic so much. everything she owns is super embellished, she’s a pop socket gal, her dell laptop is covered in glitzy stickers, she always has acrylics n probs makes nail art videos on tiktok. really tuned into tiny details like painting a little hello kitty above her eye which translates into her degree when she’s doing small-scale mockups of town plans n stuff... she jst puts so much detail into them. ppl often get surprised when she tells them she does architecture but it makes so much sense bcos she grew up in a trailer park n was always thinking about ways the space could be more efficiently used, like she loves re-conceptualising neighbourhoods, definitely spent hours on sims as a kid. she also grew up near hoover dam n so loads of school trips they just took them there n she was like.... this is tight but it could be cooler.... where’s the passion....

massively into photography, has such a neat instagram feed like everything just compliments the tones in the next post like mMMM. idk if any of u know any architecture students but this is literally the one constant i can find…. like they all have super good instagrams feeds. is that bitch that will take 40 fake candids of u in a row at different angles to get u the perfect profile picture cos she understands the importance of marketing urself and having an online #brand

has wire rimmed glasses that she doesn’t need to see BUT they r like a magnifying glass for when she’s working with really small materials to do a mock up of an urban plan, and also just sometimes wears them for the aesthetic bc she’s such a pinterest bitch

assassination nation is such a big mood. literally the aesthetics of that and lily colson’s whole brand of feminism and nudity not being inherently sexual but at the same time wanting to profit off that bcos why the fuck shouldnt she use a corrupt system to her advantage is incredibly mimi

literally a human personification of a bratz doll both in attitude and fashion sense

somehow simultaneously gansey in the raven cycle AND elle woods in legally blonde? the two genders 

values cont bc i started rambling: her independence and freedom. being the best at any given task she sets her mind to accomplish because she is unable to accept failure. social mobility. sexual liberation. interested in the psychology of sub-cultures and how ppl form groups and interact w each other and cult identities which is why she minors in anthropology. pro-choice. pro-weed legalisation. pro-sex worker rights. very activist.

aesthetics tht remind me of her: von dutch. a strappy cami top that says ‘please do not do coke in the bathroom’. low-waisted jeans that show off her belly button piercing. acrylic nails tapping against a heavily embellished second-hand dell laptop. heart shaped sunglasses in every colour. translucent stripper heels with barbie doll heads and plastic spiders in the heel. spraying champagne you cant afford all over the walls. narcotics in a heart shaped locket. an amazon wishlist full of lingerie linked on your tinder profile. sex tapes recorded on VCR. a religious devotion to waxing clinics. necking shots like you were born to do it.

she’s an enfj type which makes her pretty charismatic and confidence, like she has a fierce kind of energy to her, but she’s also super unwilling to accept criticism, dogmatic and can only really see her own way of thinking, quite ruthless when it comes 2 other ppls emotions despite having a poor control of her own and being prone to turbulence / throwin a bitch fit in the craft lab. easily bored. competitive. self-assured to the point of arrogance. forceful. adaptable. usually more rational than emotional but occasionally loses the ability to make rational decisions when blinded by a need for perfectionism.

very goal-oriented. money motivates her. money and clothes. she wants to look bomb while earning big bucks. when she gets her mind set on a project it literally consumes her she will forget to eat and sleep? i don’t know her.  like when a final design project is due for architecture she’ll be up all night doing adderall and speed to keep her awake working on the placement of a single tree for ages cos its gotta be perfect

loves chaos. will spill your secrets and pretend it was an accident. will always be that gif of kim kardashian sipping her tea while drama unfolds around her. lives for the drama like that gifset of bratz when she comes running and gets her phone out to record a fight.

im makin her sound like a really bad person but hopefully she’ll be somewhat likeable she can be very charismatic and endearing and she’s naturally quite funny. also now she’s finally in college and doesn’t have to worry so much about money she actually allows herself to party n bcos she denied herself of it for so long she kinda makes up for it by going p wild like will be the girl climbing on to stage to crowd surf at gigs or doing a summersault off the bar and being escorted out by bouncers, thats the energy were looking at, pure dionysian hedonistic impulse

really gd at talking her way out of shit like parking fines. so good at being an ‘im baby’ girl and often dumbs herself down to figures of authority to appear less like a threatening ball-breaker and more like a confused fiat 500 girl who didn’t know red meant stop she thought it meant slow down

listens almost exclusively to female artists. has fergalicious on repeat when she does squats infront of the mirror n just the biggest fergie stan. also lana del rey’s whole vibe is massive mimi energy

ok ya thats all i have for now..... hopefully this is somewhat coherent and not just garbage.

[unproduciblesmackdown]

you said random number so.. gimme 5, 17, 24, 26, 38, and 43

#epic thank you!!!! sorry this is so long, gang, but you know me. press J if you have that keyboard shortcut option

5)favorite fics?

soph nothingunrealistic’s!! click the link & peruse any of the dozen gifts to this world on ao3. also just go right to her writing tag

17)a fandom you wish more people were in/you had more people to talk to about?

well i don’t Really have an answer for this one, but just yesterday it was once again time to talk abt how jaclyn moriarty’s 4-book ashbury/brookfield YA series is a lot of fun and unusual in good ways, but like, i guess what with being published throughout the aughts and like, not being super obscure but also not being explosively popular, and idk maybe they were also more Known in australia than the US, and, idk, but there’s not exactly what you’d call a Fandom online, or even very many traces of one. and i just like to mention the series as Fun To Read because they are very lively and focus on girls and have a real variety of Girl Characters (and also some boy characters who are also varied and fun but that’s just a bonus) and in particular i like to talk about how the third book has a really Unusual Choice Of Protagonist (the unfun unpopular Best Grades by-the-book overachiever etc etc etc nerd girl, kinda having the personality that ppl misinterpret alana beck’s personality to be lol, like something of a killjoy goody-two-shoes lol, but also with that earnestness and drivenness that alana has as well)......and the format of each book is Epistolary, but in different and creative ways each time, and it’s fun how like, the characters who are telling the story (the ones whose letters are used and etc) rotate with each book [tho emily and lydia are Storytellers in the 2nd And 4th books] and it’s very neat how like, you do get that sense that just b/c someone’s not being Focused On as much from different people’s perspectives doesn’t mean they aren’t still existing and present and doing stuff and having their own story, even when that’s not being mentioned by whoever’s writing down the events that we’re reading. we love that sentiment. anyways i just like to always Promote them.

24)who are you at the end of this decade?

hmmm!! i mean in many ways i am who i have been the whole time but yknow, 2009 - 2019 was a tumultuous period. i was always furiously trying to think through Who Am I As A Person for various reasons, even though like, when you’re in ur mid-teens that’s always In Progress rather than there being a really set answer to be discovered, and for a while it was a lot of frustration with myself all “why are you like [this], why can’t you do [that] right,” etc etc. but eventually i had like, a better frame of reference for a lot of what was going on, and even why i never quite felt like i had a great sense of Who I Am and What I Like and etc in the first place, and more understanding and respect for myself lol. even now it’s like, yknow i’m ~self-consious~ in ways often lol and i’ll sometimes Use that to be like, okay try to improve [this thing] about yourself!! and yknow on the one hand i feel like stuff i’ve been Working On for years Has paid off in ways, but then recently it’s like......okay hang on but like, it’s not a bad thing to like, have some traits that maybe aren’t gonna be seen as “perfect” or might be annoying or yknow, your Demeanor and Vibe isn’t always like, the most important thing to focus on lol or something where like, oh being sweet & saintly & coming across as utterly pleasant to everyone always gets to be The Objective Ideal. like, i’m opinionated and can be argumentative and sometimes impatient?? like, there’s a balance here between “good to be trying to Improve Yourself always or whatever lol” and “but also everyone is People with Traits and Different Personalities and everyone doesn’t have to just sand themselves down into an edgeless smooth sphere” and like, sure it’s like “haha i’m a bit more temperamental than i’d like still” but also i sure sympathize w/ the fact that like, oof, depression makes it tricky sometimes! and i do pretty okay at like, being Aware of when my mood is cursed and trying to be as chill about it as poss! or like, “haha wish i was better at conversation lmao” but yknow also understanding that like.....i’m just kinda Not great at it and that’s what’s Natural for me and like, again, a balance between “trying to be easier to talk to, lol” and “being okay with the fact that i’m not super easy to talk to and most ppl aren’t very easy for me to talk to either, lol”

im trying to be a bit less cagey lol which i guess might not be the first word someone might use to describe me for a variety of reasons, But......and but then also, i just like, for me there is no simple Be Yourself, Just Talk Naturally As U Would conversation mode lol, but you know. it’s hardly a pressing issue, and at the same time, like, sometimes when i find it hard to talk to people it’s like “well this is just you needing to Be Nicer” or whatever, or like, well you’re just not used talking to Anyone so like, push through it, and then it takes me a while to realize like, well no you just don’t love talking to them, lmao......and at the same time i’m Really slow to realize when people *do* actually enjoy talking to me, lmao, i am just not used to it And used to people like, not really being super interested in interacting with me even if they think i’m alright lol. lord! so i’m still slightly surprised whenever Anyone likes me, but also like, then again there’s sort of always these repeated scenarios where it’s like [Glum Trombone Noise] i’m also the recipient of various ppl’s various contempt for various reasons........which like, i sure don’t Absorb that as like “way 2 go, you deserve that” but also like, sure also never is the most fun experience of your life. but i have a way more solid sense of the fact that like, i don’t inherently deserve that, and an understanding of Why people will be Like That sometimes, and that’s all been acquired knowledge from the whole journey of this decade lol

also like, i have always been and continue to be like, Basically A Cat lol.....cats-sonas for everyone, ___ the ___ cat, But Seriously Folks........like, oh, there’s a lot of ppl and/or noise around?? unless i have chosen to put myself in that situation for fun, i’m probably gonna be finding whatever quiet / distant corner to hide out in and try to remain as undetected as possible.......kinda wary about interacting with people sometimes, though then also, i like to be friendly w/ strangers (if they’re friendly with me) and won’t necessarily mind spontaneous interactions but only if it’s Plausibly Expected in the situation, and even then, i might just prefer that Nobody Talk To Me......and i’ve yet to be Really comfortable in a group of ppl if i’m there *with* that group lmao, like, i don’t like to take the lead or compete for attention or anything and just kinda will try to do my own thing on the outskirts, whereas if i’m by myself it’s just like, i feel a lot more comfortable and like i can just do whatever lmao..........and also i don’t like to make noise lol. unless again, it’s deliberate, and it’s Fun. like at a concert? i will be the death of whatever nerd like, wants it to be like a solemn “listening to a record” occasion or wants everyone to yell out complete sentences if a performer asks an Arena full of people How Are You Doing 2nite or whatever. i’m gonna yell!!! anyways. idk. i am always like “oh i am Very Much [this way], except for all the times i am totally [the would-be Opposite way]”........i can’t really opt out of having Anxious Qualities and that’s alright, even though it does get in the way of things sometimes for sure. like, c’est la vie!!! i understand why i am like this, and that like, while for my own sake i can try to hold my own hand here and encourage myself to be a little bolder, it’s totally fine that like, i have Problems and Difficulties. 

i’m also at like, maybe the lowest levels of Impending Dread that i’ve had since i was like, 8 or some shit lmao............like again kind of a Wild Decade and one where like, it was totally all like “wow am i even gonna make it to [a few yrs in the future] -> [a year in the future] -> [half a year from now]” aaand it hasn’t been a full year yet since i was last thinking like “lmfao oof i might not be alive by __, who knows!!” but even while that was going on it was at least an improvement from the times i thought i might like, hmm hope i don’t off myself. and like, this is probably the first Start Of A Year in like. well possibly the past decade lmao, where yknow, it hasn’t felt quite as dire. i mean im not really out here a cockeyed optimist about anything, and like, i’m aware that things are always a little tenuous and there’s other factors i’m always nervous about, but That’s nothing new, and i’m kinda more like, neutral about the future rn lol? feeling less Dread and Doom is new-ish lmao and like, allowing that yknow, despite how crappy the past decade has been re: how i felt in my Outlook, there’s been a bunch of surprising Good Things to come along, and i totally allow for the fact that that could easily continue to happen. having Less(ened) Bad Feelings about Things might not = Absolutely Thriving but i appreciate it!! i also try to be appreciative lmao. like, what with the dread and doom & (hope i don’t die this year, i guess,) feelings, it’s wildly hard nowadays for me to like, anticipate stuff in a ~fun~ way or at all, but yknow when anything nice, even a really small / unspectacular / ordinary moment and/or detail, is being experienced by me, i try to enjoy that. i like to be Appreciative. and i think i’m also sort of like, sharing more of myself than i’ve probably gotten to or felt capable of doing in the past, and i appreciate that a lot too. like, it can be really Depressing for sure to think of like, hmm i haven’t had the chance to like, feel in control of things and like things are Totally Fine and i feel Totally Okay & like i’m enjoying everything, and i can choose to pursue [things i might enjoy], and maybe i Won’t have that chance? [another glum trombone noise] but like. i appreciate the good experiences that i Do and Have gotten so far. and the fact i’ve ever been in situations to connect with people and enjoy things the ways that i can and like, it’s really nice that My Presence in other ppl’s lives, even as just like Some Online Rando re: some ppl lmao, has had some positive effect for them or even just been enjoyed is like, wow, this is pretty great lol.........not sure where i was taking this tangent but like, i am someone who appreciates this a lot.

hmm i am also a passionate person at the end of this decade lmao!!!! that has definitely always been true. i am Of That Temperament. it is funny b/c like, the fact that i am A Motormouth Actually But Often Not Saying Anything In The Least To People, they think i’m like, of this very mild disposition and Not someone with strong opinions that they will launch into, or else i would have been doing that already........but you know!!! here i am online, fully able to just dive into things and start talking about whatever for one million years. and i sure latch onto stuff in a Big Way sometimes, which is why anyone follows me at all lol, b/c if you like [whatever particular content] and i am just all about that too, it’s a beneficial situation for us both i guess lmao. i can get really excited and focused about stuff, obviously, and i sure Also Obviously like to explore the emotional aspects of things. which is a vague thing to say lmfao but you all know what i mean!!! it continues to be the only reason i draw lmaooo like i draw so much and like, Making Fanart And Sharing It Online has i think also been a journey of this decade for me, and i really only draw a) exactly that fanart that i feel like making, and b) what i feel like making is always also probably abt Feelings somehow, like the Three Emotions: kissing (aka gay), crying (sad), and angry (angry)........great news if you want to see the stuff i already happen to be drawing lol!!! bad news i guess if you were hoping i’d draw anything but whatever i end up wanting to draw. i cannot be diverted. and i don’t even draw for its own sake lol like, i’ve always doodled for fun and all that, but like, ive never been a “wow i want to make my own __ someday” or whatever, and if i’m trying to draw something which is anything other than [the exact thing i might feel like drawing] it is Such a chore that like, i just don’t do it except for like, total Exceptions. except exceptions lol. don’t ask!! anyways why did i get on that drawing tangent there........yeah it’s definitely lucky that i’ve been giving myself that Drawing Experience so that i can connect w/ ppl that way, cuz i’m godawful at like, necessarily providing other stuff lol Or at being the one to Make Connections Happen otherwise......and also of course sometimes it is easier to convey/communicate something via drawing. woohoo!!

anyways yeah i’m a bit excitable lol and i sure guess i’ve got that Chaotique energy at times, for better or worse lol........like sometimes my Contribution can be like, just an absolute wild card thrown into the pile, or just like, maybe adding some Boost to a situation that other people can run with if they so choose. just throw things out there sometimes and enjoy when other ppl find that fun lmao

what else is there about me??? lol.......oh yeah i’m always sort of an Office Goofaround (not actually in an office ever, though). like, when ppl Don’t have that sense of Collaborative Humor where like, if someone does something a bit silly u just roll with that bit, or if god forbid they have Exhausting Cishet Guy humor where they think everything is about Dry, “Intelligent” Sarcasm and that being “funny” is about making yourself look like the coolest or cleverest person there who Wins the Center Of Attention spot?? it’s like, eff that, where are my Get Silly gang. also puns are funny but also only b/c they are silly. you have to really lean into it lol. 

well anyways!!!! and when i am asked to talk about myself i can be very extensive and yet not necessarily cover everything. here we are

26)favorite look you had?

my look hasn’t changed too much! Tees n Jeans (or shorts? or jorts? lol) are pretty much my thing altho you Know i have at times added in A Layer, or even accessories.......as always, part of the first few years of the decade for me was the whole “aha, yeah okay i’m trans” process, but before that i wasn’t ever really trying to be more “””””””””fashionable”””””””””” than the tees n jeans type of look anyway lmao, and even nowadays like, i have some Wardrobe Items that like, ppl might consider ”androgynous” or whatever when cis dudes wear them, like leggings or a v-neck sweater........really some of the only significant Changes was getting binder/s eventually (by 2012?? ugh idk) and also like, by 2011 i cut my hair relatively short, and from there on i just like, every year went “ugh god i need it to be shorter” and even now i’m like, hmm, do i want it shorter or is this fine?? but also i’m somewhat limited styling-wise b/c i just continually cut it myself in a bathroom mirror, true chaotic. and! i’ve been like, god i wish i had a baseball cap that’s just like, solid [my fave blue] or yknow, black or something, or idk. one that i like. and also someday it would be nice to like, not only have an updated prescription of lenses but also Multiple Glasses Frames to choose from, even though my current ones are alright still lol.......this is me just talking abt my past looks and how i’d like to potentially update my look lmao i did Not answer the question but, as usual, i also don’t have a great direct answer lol

38)a prediction you had for this decade that came true?

lol this was not a decade where i was ever looking ahead to 2020 and making any assumptions about this Block Of Time as a whole.......i mean like, i was Really starting to suspect byyyy 2012 for sure that like, i could not like, be able to exist And have my parents be in my life at all lol and by 2013 it was just like. increasing confirmation of that. and i last saw / spoke to them prior to me just effing out of there at the end of 2015. snaps for me

43)an important relationship (of any kind) you had?

well a couple i appreciated that might not be obvious were pretty brief and fairly impersonal lol. so in 2015 i had this Nightmare Job for five whole months which was obviously miserable in most ways, but there was this other guy who wasn’t even a Coworker, we just had the same job and had similar routes of Stores to go to, so we would run into each other a lot of mornings, and he would talk to me and i’d talk to him and he was totally good-humored about everything and that was helpful lmao b/c it’s great to have Someone you enjoy seeing. i also struck up a rapport with a baked-goods stocker at one particular store, and that could be an enjoyable 14 seconds. it was a godawful job lmao and like, Any pleasantness at all / decent treatment from other people was very helpful

also at this other job the next year which was a lot less hellish, there was this customer lady who like, i can’t remember at what point she started talking to me but yknow it got to be that if we’d run into each other she’d kind of update me on her life. and she would be like “sorry i’m talking to you, a stranger, about all this stuff all the time, but my life is a mess and i don’t really have anyone to talk to” and i would be like, lmfao mood, do not even worry about it, and yknow this was someone i only ran into usually once every few weeks at my job, and could only listen to for however long, but she was Going Tf Through It all the time and as much as i am a chatterbox who will go on for a century about myself b/c i can’t be concise abt anything ever, i’m also decent at being in Listening Mode lmao or yknow, i was like No Truly i don’t mind you venting, and also yknow, i’m like well i know how much it sucks to have Nobody to talk to about Big Problems. and i am this random restaurant worker and if i’m one of the only people this lady can talk to, you can bet i’m going to listen lol.......and she was really goin through it all One Thing After Another and yknow i’d catch her two weeks later and she’d be all like, well [this situation] has gotten worse, or This One Problem is over but now New Problem has replaced it, etc, and a whole issue that i got updated on was like lol. she had this boyfriend who she’d kinda mention early on when she was talking abt trying to find a job, or losing a new-but-terrible job and once again being back in that Job Hunt Stress, and idk like. i just sort of have decent Relationship Instincts lmfao of like “hmm this doesn’t sound great” but like, a month or two later she’s straightup Married to this dude, and i’m like oh congrats :) and then when a month or two after That she’s talking about how like, she’s maybe having Job Probs again and her now-husband is really giving her shit for like, not having found a new one yet, i’m like internally all [ :)))))) Not Surprised :))))))) ] but i’m like. yknow you Sympathize n Validate but if you just up and tell someone who’s being treated real bad like “you are being treated terribly, this person is acting terribly” then they might just want to defend them like oh it’s not That bad, or minimize it, and blame themselves for making their terrible partner “look bad”.......and by extension when she once was in our restaurant With said husband and introduced us i was like, just getting further confirmation abt this dude’s shittiness from his Immediate Vibe lmao like....whenever i feel uncomfortable enough in someone’s presence in a [not just universal level of Anxiety] way, it’s like, that instinct is pretty reliable & accurate lol.....but i had to pretend Not to hate him or act too standoffish towards him lmao cuz like!!! i figured i could “get away with it” but yknow, this lady had already said how isolated she was and the husband sure seemed Controlling and like, yknow, if you act like you don’t Like the shitty partner or said shitty partner catches wind of you maybe telling this person that “hey your partner is being shitty” then it’s all, them telling their partner “don’t go around that person who is so obviously Against me >:(” and like. yknow i figured as Random Restaurant Employee this dude wasn’t about to be super on guard about me but i still was not wanting to risk it but luckily i only met him the one time and only had to casually pretend i didn’t think he was shit that one time. and anyhow! soon enough the lady is talking to me about how she thinks getting married to him was a mistake but like, again, she was real isolated and didnt have family or friends or ppl in the area to talk to, and like, yknow she would be pretty sure her husband was cheating on her but of course He was the one all like, wanting to be controlling and invade her privacy and accuse Her of cheating on him, and i’m like, internally screaming but again yknow, i’m just letting her vent to Anyone (me) and sympathizing. and iirc her talking about her “uh oh my husband sucks” was like, i had come back from this delivery so we were in the parking lot lol and she was so upset about all of it and like, “sorry i’m just this random person talking to you for twenty minutes in a parking lot and crying lol” and i’m like. i mean yknow if the only person you can vent to about this terrible situation is me, this random person in a parking lot, absolutely i am glad to do it, even though i would’ve done it anyways lol...........and i was so mad at our General Manager this one time lmao b/c. yknow it’s a couple weeks later and wouldn’t you know it, The Lady is really stressed b/c her husband was yelling at her and broke a window in their apartment, and the Cost Of Repairs added to their monthly rent meant they might not be able to make that rent, and she was in that crappy situation that gets pulled on Tenants Who Probably Don’t Have Much Money, where you’re supposed to get 5 Days Notice or whatever when they’re like “get out b/c your rent is overdue” but you get that Notice on like, friday afternoon when your Last Day is supposed to be the following monday, and nobody is at the office all weekend, so obviously that’s not five days and it’s really only One Day and that Last Day that you’d even have a chance to talk to anyone, which is also a monday when you’d probably have work, and yknow, good luck finding help over the weekend, when probably ppl will just want to spend that time rushing to just pack their shit up and leave anyways.....ANYHOW it’s just some particular heinous bullshit and it was like, the saturday after it had happened to her, and i sympathized entirely b/c that had happened to me and i now lived in my car but i figured i wouldn’t bring that up lmfao.......and anyways i was sitting down with her to listen to her b/c it’s an Insanely Stressful Situation and again like, whenever she’d show up i’d let her talk to me abt her Problems for however long she felt like. and anyways of course eventually the one By-The-Books manager gives me shit all like “what are you doing daring to Sit Down and Not be doing restaurantly actions, ugh” and i’m like. i mean, unsurprising lecture to get lol, of course, but i was just so impatient like. well this person was having a crisis so i prioritized that above keeping the coffee stirrers fully stocked at all times, bite me. ENNYHOW and i didn’t see her for a minute after that and i Was a bit worried b/c like. of course i had every reason to be and she was just always looking so completely exhausted but then like, actually the last time i saw her she was actually more upbeat than ever b/c like! turns out that during an argument her husband had assaulted her and had been arrested. which is of course like. i was like oh i am completely sorry about that trauma but congratulations at this person being separated from you!!! and like, i wish i could have kept up with her beyond that, but i couldn’t, but like, that was the first Improvement in her life that i’d heard since i met her, and it was a way better last-thing-to-hear-from-her than her stressing out abt eviction thanks to her abusive husband breaking shit. and like, weird relationship lmao but!! idk i did feel lucky that i could be The One Person This Lady Gets To Talk With b/c like, god forbid she have absolutely nobody to talk to about this shit or treat her with any sympathy, even if it was just me, the rando she only got to see on occasion. and i hope she’s doing okay still! wish i knew for sure of course, but i’m glad i at least got to be there for her in a tiny way for a period of time and did eventually like, Know that she both knew that this was a bad person to be with, and got that Reason to be separated from him.

[madfantasy]

Dear Blogging

How was your week? It was the holidays here,I think. And for once, I made sure to make the most of it.

It is a very special Eid (Festival) for me, so I'd love to be talking about it mostly★

I woke up the other day dreaming of Sev in a way I didn't like, which is my #1 fear when it comes to character designing— dicing chunks of varied forms of love into some shape and listen to my precious creations talk, to use a more intimate term. (Which is more closer to describing how I feel about the process.) He was in a delicious form but wasn't himself, and that's the main goal of anything I draw; Trying to make them look themselves as possible. It didn't make me feel off as I thought I would and I do lots of sketches of him out of his character somehow and I don't care. I think this is nice. Actually, I'm enjoying myself atm drawing him in another possible that-doesn't-look-like-him-ugh-redraw episode, and I'm not being sarcastic about it, hehe. Specially with the new brush I made for myself, and I feel proud of it.

And talking more about episodes, I have made a garbage audio recording test on some speed paint I made few days ago to start somewhere. I wanted to record myself talking about the art process and all— to practice actual speech, I couldn't even settle on a tone of voice to begin with. Coming next in frustration, the video wouldn't upload and the browser keep crashing even tho it's 46 second vid. It's probably my network connections as ever, which makes me question my ability to upload videos. But we'll find something to work around that.

I think I like how I'm dealing with things lately. I'm in much more peace with things, I noticed even things that are urgent in my priorities aren't effecting my mood so drastically, I am in more control and I am thankful. So with that I was determined that I make this Eid special, with everything that I was blessed to happen to me.

I don't remember having a proper Eid beyond what snippets of my childhood memory brings me. I remember this outfit I loved crazily— black and had oranges painted on it, and Sissi had lemons on hers. (Maybe that's the roots of why I like saying the word orange so much and she lemons..). Before Eid in few days you get out charity if you can of what the country you are in be the source of main food -its rice here, then the day of eid you go to Eid prayer wearing new clothing, give money to youngsters, go to where there's lights everywhere, visit extended families— which I only remember questioning why are we there at all times. I remember kids with garlic-looking crackers, they throw it on the ground and they pop like mad, so there was alot of fireworks going on too.

Anyways, I cared for the candy and still. Because I mostly only got to have some in Eid. And that's pretty much was it throughout the years- Eid is candy. Didn't have anything else available. It's strange because I don't like sweets, only in chocolate— the darker the better tho.

I decorated the room the day before, and ya know, used the elder power in me to generate the feeling of Eid by all means. I didn't do much actually, everything just happened. I found what I need few days before without evern looking for it. Like this one song me and some of my siblings had loved in the days when we only had playstation as a source of music (we played the games' sound tracks). Just by pure luck we found it on YouTube, the nostalgia and how it's amazing hit us so hard we were all hysterical! It's old too, like- in the year 1998 or something. I put it as our party music. There are classics Arabic songs of Eid, but Arabic music -with some exceptions- never interested me in general. I know two- this one is like the Christmas tune for Eid, and just kids saying welcome Eid ~

I only know the 40 sec of it, have a listen:

https://youtu.be/c4QxNWG0qjI

More locally; this one is always everywhere, as a child it always made me giggle at how the singer moans the lyrics at the start.

It's saying may you be from whom wins the fortune of having happy Eid (or something similar) and may you have these times again in the coming years and so on.

There it is- first 40 sec again, heh:

https://youtu.be/n7a99KgEfPE

Veering from caltural taste a bit and back to mine; newer things happened in this Eid, I called it Eid Jadeed (it means new festival and it's rhymes with the traditional saying of Eid Sa'eed= happy festival)

For one— the important one, only a year ago I wished so hard I can have my baby sis take from the Eid car the was passing our streets with free nicknacks to make her day. Now her day is made because we got cheep nicknacks that she actually WANTED. And she kept saying 'Party time! Party time!' Which made me so happy I could just explode. Next second she spilled juice over her stuff and that moment was short lived, still she loved everything, hehe.

Other minor things happened like; as much as I hate taking pictures I did throughout the party and everything. I didn't feel like my picture was a demon staring back at me, and I actually liked how I looked in them so it was nice for a change.

What else? Oh yeah, ofc crackers, dried fruits, nuts, chocolates and this beautiful creature of a plant, Kaka— we enjoyed eating.

Oh and I was congratulated of Eid by ppl online I was surprised they remembered me, heh. And one person from the Snape fandom, too! (you know yourself 🙈)

It was just marvelous, I am a happy Mani ⭐

Wish you all the best my dears, sincerely as ever 💛⭐🎆

[karak9]

Another stupid long post about how I don't know my own fucking gender

This is honestly just copied and pasted from a yt comment I made on an older vid and I figured I'd share it here bc tumblr loves this shit I guess lol. God damn I've been questioning my gender for so long and ik rn im prob not still in the best position to be thinking about deep life shit like where I am mentally and im dealing with a lot in my life and also very insecure about potentially being trans bc a lot of my friends don't seem like they would be very accepting and my bf is only really into girls. I asked him how he would feel if I was nonbinary or looked like a boy and he just said he wasn't totally sure but he's only attracted to girls :c he's the sweetest bf in existence and im honestly so afraid of losing him, so aside from obviously not wanting to deal with all the other trans shit, I definitely hope im not trans bc I don't wanna lose him. Anyways, ill start with my childhood I guess. I was always super tomboyish. My older sisters (im the youngest sibling btw) were always p tomboyish so maybe I kinda got it from them but I kinda felt like I was more tomboyish than them? I felt like I was the most boyish girl I knew, like even meeting other tomboy girls in elementary school I felt like I couldn't really relate to them or like they couldnt relate to me enough idk. I also remember once making up a song about being like so tomboyish that I was basically a boy or something along those lines and sang it to my best friend at the time who I copied like all the fkin time (it honestly wasnt healthy lmao I didn't have good parents, also I think I started making up songs bc she did that and I wanted to like impress her), but she thought it was stupid and weird so I just forgot about it and moved on. I was embarrassed to even enjoy playing with dolls or play dress up games online and was determined to play masculine games like runescape (even tho I ended up doing girly shit in runescape anyways lmao) and considered myself one of the guys. In 5th grade when I started needing to wear a bra I absolutely didn't want to, tho some girls in my class thought it was weird I didn't wear a bra when they found out and that made me more insecure about it, but since then I've p much only worn sports bras. I have bought some more normal bras bc I wanted to look attractive in them for my SO or whatever but I still highly prefer my sports bras and can't stand wearing the other ones unless I have to bc my sports bras aren't clean lmfao. I always hated talking about genitalia and breasts n shit but that could just be bc of how I was raised and how my family was always so strict and such radical Christians and anything sex related was a sin, idk if its dysphoria or not. I've never rlly liked my chest and hated showing cleavage like so god damn much and still do but maybe that's the same thing or maybe I just want smaller boobs and that's it idk??? Like I'd want to appear to have a completely flat chest at least, idk if I'd want to actually like have a guy chest or not? Also huge issue with ppl seeing me naked or touching my boobs but again idk if that's gender related or just a normal issue I have. Tho I had a friend in high school (a girl, a very weird lewd girl) who would occasionally grope my chest randomly and it wasn't a huge issue but kinda made me uncomfortable and more aware of my chest. I really like when I wear big hoodies or when I lean over so my shirt kinda poofs out and it looks like I have a flat chest underneath. Though im not super uncomfortable with my boobs, like normally ill want nothing to do with them but I don't mind my SO touching them especially if they're really into it. I wouldn't say im rlly dysphoric about between my legs either, like yeah I think its weird and I hate monthlies and stuff but I think that's normal. I think if i woke up one day and had a dick I would be fine with it, I'd prob even enjoy it tbh lmao. I once had a dream that i was, well, a male dog like,,, ya know, with a female dog, and not to sound weird af (hey we were both dogs ok) but I think i kinda enjoyed it? I don't really remember any other dreams where I remember actually having a dick or feeling it but I've had several dreams as a male person, but p much all of them were like, I was seeing through a character's eyes or smth, not really that I was a guy, so idk if that's normal. I have the same dreams about being other girl characters, I'd say its split about 50/50. Because of this game community im in, a lot of ppl assume im a guy, and a lot of people still think im a guy and I haven't really bothered to correct them but idk if I find it more enjoyable bc its funny or if I enjoy not being referred to as female for once. I'll admit I feel most comfortable referred to as they/them, like without a doubt, if I could go by only 1 set of pronouns for the rest of my life it would be they/them. But ik that's not enough to call myself trans. I definitely wouldn't want to be 100% male. Like if I imagine myself as a grown man vs a grown woman id prob choose to be a woman. I don't like my voice but I think that's mostly just bc I sound 10 years younger than I actually am, and wouldn't really want a deep/masculine voice. Like a "tomboy" voice would be fine if that makes sense? I don't want facial hair or want to have a masculine body, I like that I have curves and soft skin and small hands. Personally I like my hair long bc its soft and people love it, but sometimes I kinda wish I had short hair and could pass as a boy. Like I'd wanna be a typical cute kpop boy ngl lmfao. I like the whole cute androgynous/feminine boy look and wish I could pull it off. Tho I also like really girly things sometimes and am okay being seen as a girl, i just want to be cute and attractive. Ik whether im trans or not I like being a mix of feminine and masculine, tho I admit in the past I've been kinda insecure bc I used to be super sure I was nb and thought me liking girly things and wanting to still havd long hair and wear girly clothes made me seem like "not trans enough" or whatever. But i guess here I am questioning myself again anyways. If I am nb, it sucks that ill never really be able to be openly myself and all but I've accepted by now that I kinda have to pick a binary and choose what I want to be seen as for the rest of my life, and im ok with being female. There are some things I dont like about my body whether they're really gender related or not but I can't afford to transition and wouldn't like most of the effects of T and am afraid of surgery and not sure I want top surgery enough to ever get it anyways, but I think if we lived in a perfect world and I could magically change my body at will and I wasnt afraid of judgment or being unattractive or whatever, I'd probably want to look androgynous and itd be cool to be able to change my genitalia at will lmao. If I had to choose 1 genitalia over the over I honestly have no idea what I'd choose but I have no desire to ever get bottom surgery, at the same time tho I honestly wanna someday get surgery or w/e to never be able to get pregnant. I just could not handle pregnancy or giving birth and I don't even like babies and breast feeding sounds awful so if I ever have kids they will be adopted 100% and most likely be older and like not newborn babies lmfao, babies are honestly so weird to me and they stink and cry and they're so fragile and im so afraid of like dropping them when I hold them lmao. But I like my nieces and nephews and I like being the cool aunt (is there a gender neutral version of aunt/uncle?) who lets them use my art supplies and helps them do fun stuff even if I get tired of them sometimes lol. Idk if that's gender related either but yeah I guess. This if kind of a more recent thing but I often say I'd make a great bf kinda as a joke bc of how I am in relationships like being the stereotypical sweet bf type who makes things for their partner a lot and wants to be their knight in shining armor and their protector and all that, but again prob not rlly trans related lmao just thought I'd throw that out there I guess. So when I was 17 was when I really started getting into trans stuff, prior to that I mostly just learned from my parents that trans ppl were "against god" and all that bs, and eventually started realizing lgbt+ isn't as bad as my family said and later realized I was bi. But anyways I met an agender person online when i was 17ish and I'd never heard it before and thought it was really interesting and asked them how you know you're agender bc after hearing their explanation of it i thought it described how I felt, but ofc they weren't transmed and just described it as being like a deep feeling or whatever and since then i started calling myself agender (and switched between a few labels but basically nonbinary) until my transmed friend told me I was ridiculous and that I wasn't trans, and honestly he was a huge dick but im a huge pushover lmao and I thought well he's trans so he must know what he's talking about, and though I felt discouraged about it I stopped calling myself nonbinary. Then I began questioning it again after not too long and basically since then I've been questioning my gender off and on. I'm now 22 and god I fucking hope im cis but also I feel like a part of me doesn't want to be cis if that makes sense?? Idk if that's because I don't like being a girl for some weird deep reason I don't know about despite being pretty sure I've gotten a lot of my feelings and their reasons behind them figured out, or if it's because I am trans and dont want to force myself to pretend im a girl 100% forever. At the very least, whatever the fuck my gender is, I want to continue going by they\them wherever I can and pretending to be a boy to strangers online and I'd love to cosplay male characters and bind and occasionally just dress masculine for the hell of it and probably wear sports bras for the rest of my life. I feel like in a way I cang possibly be trans because I can live with all of those things and be fairly comfortable still being seen as female for the rest of my life. But idk, I have bpd and other mental shit so sometimes im not great with my feelings (tho I do try really hard to identify all of my feelings/emotions and stuff) but at the same time bpd can cause weird identity shit so maybe its just a weird mix of a bunch of crap and im not actually trans but just weird and tomboyish enough to question my gender for 5 years and still be unsure. Also I know a lot of ppl suggest talking to a therapist/psychologist/whatever professional and trust me I would love to but I can't currently and am unsure when ill be able to bc they're expensive and I live in the middle of fucking nowhere so finding a decent therapist around where I live rn is going to be very difficult. Also, I have fucking crippling social anxiety lmao like I'd be so afraid to open up about this stuff even to a professional. So if anyone could suggest anything online that could help that would be amazing

[loucifieri]

Disaster disaster chatfic (v3 HPA AU)

I… I made a chatfic tie-in of my HPA AU. It’s to make up for the lack of exposure of the other v3 kids in the comics ;w; also, chat fics are fun (and easier) to write (since my strength is with dialogue– I’m not really good at writing descriptions that’s why i just draw them lol) 

The groupchat was created around 2 weeks after the start of classes.

04/21/18 07:19PM

Akamatsu Kaede added Saihara Shuichi, Yonaga Angie, Chabashira Tenko, Harukawa Maki and 11 others to the chat.

Ouma Kokichi: WHOMSTVE???

Iruma Miu: WHAT IS UP FUCKERSSS

Harukawa Maki: for what is this, akamatsu?

Akamatsu Kaede: Hi guys!! I just thought that a group chat would be a great way to even get to know each other.

Ouma Kokichi: we live in a dorm together, we all go to class together… what MORE do you want piano baka

Amami Rantaro: she just needs an excuse to talk to a someone

Yonaga Angie: oooh Angie wonders who that might be~~

Akamatsu Kaede: Amami-kun, shut

Akamatsu Kaede: Okay, maybe a groupchat is redundant but

Akamatsu Kaede: the upperclassmen have one per class and it sounds fun??

Harukawa Maki: they're just going to use this to send each other memes

Ouma Kokichi: spot on assassin-chan!! you know us so well already, how sweet

Harukawa Maki: die

Momota Kaito: harumaki we talked about this

Harukawa Maki: but this is Ouma we’re talking about

Momota Kaito: fair enough

Ouma Kokichi: OI

Akamatsu Kaede: Okay, I don’t mind you guys using this to fool around but please don’t text during class!!

Iruma Miu: booooring,,, didnt think ud be a stick in the mud bakamatsu

Ouma Kokichi: yea ikr

Ouma Kokichi: lets fix that

Ouma Kokichi removed Akamatsu Kaede from the chat

Iruma Miu: LOL

Amami Rantaro: what a power move

Saihara Shuichi: Please don’t be mean to Kaede-san, she’s doing her best

Saihara Shuichi added Akamatsu Kaede to the chat

Shirogane Tsumugi: Saihara-kun used lesser revival potion! Akamatsu-san’s back with 25% HP

Akamatsu Kaede: this was a mistake, making this groupchat and being resurrected

Gokuhara Gonta: Hello everyone! Gonta just went online and is happy to see that we have a groupchat! Gonta wants to be better friends with everyone!

Akamatsu Kaede: Actually! I regret nothing now.

Saihara Shuichi: Hi Gonta-kun

Harukawa Maki: finally this groupchat seems bearable

Shirogane Tsumugi: Gonta-kun is best boy!

Gokuhara Gonta: Thank you Shirogane-san!

Ouma Kokichi: k this is getting boring so lemme spice it up a bit

Ouma Kokichi changed Ouma Kokichi to Lord Panta

Amami Rantaro: first sign of the apocalypse

Lord Panta changed Amami Rantaro to imma meme

imma meme: no complaints here

imma meme: its pretty bland actually,,

Lord Panta: is that a challenge

imma meme: if you're going to make an avocado reference then don't bother

Lord Panta: damn

Lord Panta: i'll think of something better but for now youre a meme lord

Lord Panta changed Harukawa Maki to stabs ppl

Lord Panta changed Momota Kaito to stab me Maki

stabs ppl: fuck you Ouma

stab me Maki: u lil shit

Lord Panta: boi im bein a wingman here

Shirogane Tsumugi: Let their romantic development happen naturally!!

stab me Maki: yeah what she said

Lord Panta: whatever boring ppl

stab me Maki changed stabs ppl to Maki Roll

stab me Maki changed stab me Maki to starlord

Lord Panta: rly wanted to strangle starlord in Infinity War ykno

Maki Roll: I still dislike this name but its kind of Ok

starlord: :D

Chabashira Tenko: I go online and this is what welcomes me

Chabashira Tenko: a degenerate harassing a beautiful girl

starlord: i wasnt harassing harumaki!!!!

Lord Panta: tone down the gay there chabs u already have yumeno-chan

Yumeno Himiko: ….....nyeh

Chabashira Tenko: gtfo shota

Chabashira Tenko: And dont call me chabs

Lord Panta changed Yumeno Himiko to Jingle Jangle

Jingle Jangle: …......thanks..... i hate it

Shirogane Tsumugi: do you still watch that hot mess of a series

Lord Panta: nah stopped watching ages ago, thats the last time im taking series recommendations from Angie-chan

Yonaga Angie: Pardon my french but Atua says you're a b i t c h (ಠ_ಠ)

Shirogane Tsumugi: how much of the audience do you think would get that reference then

starlord: shirogane wat

Jingle Jangle changed Chabashira Tenko to chaotic lesbean

Jingle Jangle changed Jingle Jangle to Do You Believe In Magic

chaotic lesbean: Tenko loves it!! thank you yumeno-chan <3

Do You Believe In Magic: np.............

Lord Panta: wow is it me or is the atmosphere here getting gay

Lord Panta: hey hey akamatsu-chan did you intend for this to be a breeding ground for couples

Akamatsu Kaede: No???

Saihara Shuichi: Don't mind him, he's just bitter he doesn't have anyone to be gay with

Akamatsu Kaede: hasahshhaha OMG

imma meme: asdndals;dskbdbjk

Lord Panta: SAIHARA-CHAN HOW DARE U

Yonaga Angie: Even Atua did not see that coming!

starlord: hahahahaha thats my sidekick!!

Iruma Miu: HAH GET REKT LIL ABORTION

Maki Roll: nice

Lord Panta: i'll have you know i have ranty!!

Lord Panta: right babe? ;)

imma meme: went offline

Lord Panta: >:C

Lord Panta: hmph back to name changing then

Lord Panta changed Akamatsu Kaede to dumb blonde

Lord Panta changed Iruma Miu to dumb blonde slut

dumb blonde slut: h-huh

dumb blonde: OUMA-KUN

Saihara Shuichi changed dumb blonde to Treblemaker

Saihara Shuichi: I gotchu

Treblemaker: Thanks Shuichi-kun!

dumb blonde slut: hey what about me

Yonaga Angie changed Yonaga Angie to bitch I am the WAY

bitch I am the WAY: (◔◡◔✿)

Shinguji Korekiyo: Well this has been an interesting conversation so far.

dumb blonde slut: whoop the stalker's here

Shinguji Korekiyo: I've always been here, from the very beginning. Just... Watching.

chaotic lesbean: Tenko is filing a restraining order tomorrow

bitch I am the WAY: Also!! Angie thinks your nickname suits you Miu!~ Atua does, too~~

dumb blonde slut: eeeeehhhh

Treblemaker changed Saihara Shuichi to The Only Hope For Me Is You

The Only Hope For Me Is You: eeeeyy thanks Kaede-san!

Lord Panta: geez we get it, you're both so gay for each other

dumb blonde slut: someone's salty

Treblemaker: What no

Treblemaker: I am gay tho

Lord Panta: OwO)???

chaotic lesbean: GLORIOUS NEWS!!!!!!!

Maki Roll: isn't @The Only Hope For Me Is You an MCR song?

The Only Hope For Me Is You: Harukawa-san gets it

imma meme: “Still in their Emo Phase” Solidarity!!

Maki Roll: not another word from you Amami

Do You Believe In Magic changed Shinguji Korekiyo to Kork

Kork: …

Kork: I suppose this will suffice.

Kork: It's not as tasteless as Iruma-san's nickname.

dumb blonde slut: EEEHHHHHHH

bitch I am the WAY: she is truly screaming

Maki Roll: it's bordering on a moan actually

Idabashi Keebo: I hear an unsettling distress call... what seems to be the problem?

starlord: theres no problem keebs just ignore it

Gokuhara Gonta: Hello Keebo!

Idabashi Keebo: Greetings, Gonta-kun.

Shirogane Tsumugi: This is so Pure™

Lord Panta: Do you ship it

Shirogane Tsumugi: stop

Shirogane Tsumugi changed Shirogane Tsumugi to [anime reference]

Lord Panta: ehhh boring!!

Lord Panta changed Idabashi Keebo to Do Robots Have Dicks

Lord Panta changed [anime reference] to Nani the FUCK

Nani the FUCK: kdajkdjdsl; OUMA

imma meme changed Nani the FUCK to Weeaboo Mastermind

Weeaboo Mastermind: Rantaro-kun you baka we're Japanese

imma meme: ( ͡~ ͜ʖ ͡°)

Do You Believe in Magic changed Weeaboo Mastermind to ShirogaNYEH

imma meme: HAHAHAHAHA ACCEPTABLE

chaotic lesbean: that's wonderful yumeno-chan!

ShirogaNYEH: this will do for now I guess ;w;

Do Robots Have Dicks: I do not like this name :(

Lord Panta: its a valid question keeboy

starlord: why do i hear sobbing from the next room

Treblemaker: Look what you've done Ouma-kun

chaotic lesbean: do you want Tenko to break his legs

Treblemaker: Uh, no need Chabashira-san!

Treblemaker changed Do Robots Have Dicks to Robot Rights Activist

Robot Rights Activist: Thank you Akamatsu-san!

Robot Rights Activist: I am sorry for crying

ShirogaNYEH: constant mood

Robot Rights Activist: But next time I won't be tolerant of such discrimination against my robotic creations!

Lord Panta: whatevs

Tojo Kirumi: A pleasant evening to everyone. I just got back from grocery shopping and re-stocked the pantry. If any of you require my assistance, you may reach out to me through this group chat.

The Only Hope For Me Is You: Welcome back Tojo-san

Lord Panta: MOM!!! did you get me something from mcdonalds??

Tojo Kirumi: I told you, we have food here.

Treblemaker: She did buy a single black coffee from Mcdo though

Kork: Well then

chaotic lesbean: AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

starlord: SHE JUST MEME'D IRL

imma meme: MOM KNOWS HOW TO MEME AKJSAJJDSK

Lord Panta: uuuuuuuuuuu eeven mmom is bullyinnng mmmme :'((((

Lord Panta: i hhaaaate thiisss faaaamilyyy uuuwaaaaaaaaa

Maki Roll: then leave

Lord Panta: wow no need to be a cunt, harumaki

starlord: oy im the only one who can call her that!!

Maki Roll: only Momota can call me that

Lord Panta: cunt or harumaki???

Maki Roll removed Lord Panta from the chat

starlord: NICE

ShirogaNYEH: I SHIP IT

Maki Roll: do you want to die shirogane

ShirogaNYEH: I'M SORRY BLS DONT KILL ME

Kork: Good riddance.

Do You Believe In Magic changed Tojo Kirumi to Mother Knows Best

Mother Knows Best: I suppose I will just have to contend with this nickname as most of you do act like children.

Imma meme: dont worry tojo-san, akamatsu-san will be there with you every step of the way :3

imma meme: OH SHIT SHES BREAKING INTO MY ROkjdjksfbjksdkladladhrwt4eqio

chaotic lesbean: he's good as dead im sure

The Only Hope For Me is You: Uh where's Hoshi-kun? He hasn't said anything yet, I'm worried...

Gokuhara Gonta: Oh! No need to worry Saihara-kun! Hoshi-kun is with Gonta out the garden, he didn't bring his phone that's why he is silent here!

Gokuhara Gonta: We are catching some fireflies!

The Only Hope For Me Is You: That is so pure oh my gosh

starlord: its not manly but there are legit real tears in my eyes

chaotic lesbean: you must be protected at all costs!!! the only non-degenerate male here

The Only Hope For Me Is You added Lord Panta to the chat

chaotic lesbean: WHY

Lord Panta: IM BACK BITCHES I KNOW YALL MISS ME

starlord: this betrayal... whyd u do it sai

The Only Hope For Me Is You: I'm sorry, I'm not... strong enough

starlord: and this will make you strong??

Lord Panta: he means hes not strong enough to resist my charms *finger guns*

starlord: sure jan

The Only Hope For Me Is You: He's right

Lord Panta: wait rly??????

bitch I am the WAY: Atua did not see this coming too!

– nickname guide Lord Panta: Ouma The Only Hope For Me Is You: Saihara Treblemaker: Akamatsu bitch I am the WAY: Yonaga starlord: momota shirogaNYEH: shirogane Mother Knows Best: tojo imma meme: amami Maki Roll: harukawa Do You Believe In Magic: yumeno chaotic lesbean: chabashira Kork: shinguji Robot Rights Activist: idabashi dumb blonde slut: iruma N/A yet: gokuhara & hoshi NDRV3 HPA AU Character Design Masterlist here and background information here [Facebook] [Instagram] [Twitter] [Blogger] [Kofi] will probs post this on AO3 too idk lol

[sweet-xoxo-thatcares]

Is it weird that I watch gay porn with straight guys fucking each other and gay transmen getting fucked too?

It's like when I watch a guy with a big, plump white or black ass, with some oil and hair on top of it....

I lowkey start thinking about fucking his ass too?

I lowkey find it strange, but then again I'm pan...

Asses look good on anyone. Even though I would never admit some objectifying shit like that in person.

It's like I immerse my clit as the dick that's getting sucked and fucked on.

Then I cancel out after I cum 🤣😇🥲

Lol like wtfff is wrong with me guys? I mean there are guys who like to get pegged, so I wonder do these women who strap on guys, think about the same thing that I do....

I feel really guilty because I keep saying idk if I'm ready to try dating another bisexual guy or another transman because of me getting heart broken by one.

But I still miss em' despite everything. It's just on and off, I hate you, I miss you....just like our relationship....

It was hot and cold with those 2 toxic mfs.😕

I just wanna have my chance to dominate a guy and get fucked rough and deep. Man or Woman and everyone else under the rainbow too.

I know most pansexuals will say that they don't have a gender preference, but I'm slowly starting to see where my eye keeps getting drawn to the most. And I think it has something to do with the people I messed with already.

I still miss them and maybe I shouldn't overthink it.

But it is disturbing how I keep swiping right on white guys and girls or even mixed chicks that look like Jay either as their nonbinary stage with light brown curly hair Upton, or their pre-trans stage with long curly hair or straight hair. It's the big cat nose, the eyes, the Eyebrows, the glasses, and of course the jawline and the lips, and the strong lip Bridge, all with a soft face, chubby, and the soft white skin and ass.

It's not that many out there that remind me of them, but I've talked to a few smart asses, just like them, that was a pretty close call for me. Cause Jay was pretty. I just want to keep all the good qualities about them, and take out all the bad, the mental trauma, the abusive behavior, and just have a nicer, quiet, less selfish version of Jay who actually smiles and not mean and cranky all the time.

I did match with one who's name was Ryan. And he had the soft round face, light brown curly hair, and the nose, and the lips. I was so freaking close we just clicked right off the bat and had sexted each other on snap. We were so freaking horny and excited. He was really enamored with my boobs in my bikini pic so I sent him those and he kept sending me his luscious pink dick. I haven't had real dick in a longgggg time like not since 2020, it was my ex, and I gave him head.

I still like strap.on too. Don't get me wrong.

But anywho Ryan's Canadian kept saying he wanted to come to America once the border opened back up to take me out to dinner and I said yeaaa I would so be into.fucking you in the bathroom, cause I love public sex. And this was before we started. I made sure to ask are you really coming or is this an online setting thing?

He said no, I really wanna give you this white dick in your mouth.

So I was even more turned on. We kept going snapping pictures. He wanted ass and titty pics. And then he sends me stuff of his dick getting harder and harder which I liked. He said he was 7 in....holy fuck. Wayyyy bigger than my ex Terrell.

But then when I sent ooh I want it on my clit, he stops answering after his last message was oh you want me to rub your clit. And then he goes I came so hard.

He left, yall....while I was still masturbating to this Wigga wtffff?

I even sent a question mark ❓like hellooo selfish ass what about me????

I check back on my phone and the snap I sent was still on delivered and it was 2hrs ago...

I see he posted a story...

I OPEN IT TO SEE HIM POST A VIDEO OF HIS FREAKING CAT JUST POSING ON HIS BED

AND THIS WAS ONE HOUR AFTER I SENT HIM MINE SHIT...

LIKE WOWWWW I HATE BEING PLAYED AND I HATE BEING IGNORED ESPECIALLY WHEN IM BUTTASS NAKED WAITING ON YOU TO TELL ME TO POKE IT OUT FOR DADDY MORE WTFFFFFFFFFFF

Rude ass, inconsiderate bitch.

So you know what, I checked to see when the Canadian border opens back up, it said August 8th.

BITCH THEY ALREADY OPENNN WITH YO LYING ASS!!! WHY EVEN LIE TO SAY YOU COMING???

WE COULD HAVE JUST HAD PHONE SEXXXX

Last message he got from me before I unfriended him on snap right after I saw red flag 1, ignoring me to post a cat video....#2 Canada border actually is open..

I said "Fine, I understand. I'll unadd you."

That's so.fucking selfish, I helped you cum, so help me finish idiot! That's exactly the shit I won't tolerate no more. Waiting on bitches to text me back when it's obvious they don't care, trying to be ms. Nice girl and give him 3 days....nooooooo

I ain't falling for that shit no more. I'm glad I unmatched his ass too right after.

Pissed me the fuck off, I started having flashbacks of when Jay and Terrell did that shit to me, ignoring texts and pushing me away, not giving a fuck about plans we both already agreed to. Blowing me off like I'm the idiot, I'm the sweet child that will always love them no matter how rude, impulsive, and impossibly disrespectful they were.

The 1st time I had phone sex with Jay, Jay cums and then I said what about me? Jay goes "just take a cold shower. I don't care if you cum"

I was so mortified at how cold, rude, selfish and disrespectful Jay was. Jay said the only person they care about Cumming is Ayunna. And this was wayyy earlier on before they actually did start caring if I came or not...but still that's shitty and poor etiquette.

Just like the real shitty version of Jay. That frugal McDooggle used me and lied to me.

He didn't give a fuck just like they didn't. It made me cry a little cause I was really looking forward to some dick with somebody that at least was chubby, white, and soft like Jay. And he had blue light eyes. I still like Jay's sandy brown eyes tho.

It just sucked....and yea you really shouldn't expect respect from an internet hoe like Ryan.

Kiss my ass Ryan, you'll never taste this ass and titties.

These H's are mine I tell you! Fuck yoooooouuuu.

I will admit, there was this girl by the name of KC, she doesn't seem as interested, but we talked on snap after matching on okc. She likes to read Stephen King books. So I asked her what are you reading now, cause I like smart girls like that. She said it's called The Stand. Talking about a virus that infects the world. It was nice to read that 1st chapter and connect with the character, Stu, who dealt with grief from his wife and mom who both had cancer. I started thinking about Grandma alot tho 😔 in not the most happy sense. The scene felt dark like as if more is to come.

I wonder did Stephen King lose somebody to cancer or was he feeling sick himself. It's got 56 chapters and I did say I would try reading it more. Thank God they had the 1st part of the book on Google preview.

I'm the type to dive in when I meet someone new. I like figuring them out. But so far, I noticed she hasn't texted me back with questions and stuff as much so she's really dry and probably still not sure what she wants rn...she said she's just going with the flow but I think it's a sign she's lonely but wants to see what's outside 1st before she leaves the safety of her world.

She works in retail too at a grocery store. So we connected a bit on that too. It's weird when I'm the more talkative one asking all the questions....thats not a good sign. Ppl who are interested in you, ask you stuff they wanna know too. And I did step back to give her chances to step in....so yea imma keep looking on tinder and okc.

[cow5secondchance]

Episode 1 - This is Such a Mess - Captain

Format: Survivor

Eliminated: Lanie (7-1)

XAVIER

Wow. This cast. When the names were being revealed, I got a lot of stress and anxiety. I know we shouldn't take into account other ORGs, but these players. Well loved and people just are afraid of them. Including me! Hope things go alright. Looks ok with the tribe I am in now. I have a good relationship with Mario. I know Jarod kinda. Wyatt tried to cast me before but it was too soon after Greenhouse. Daisy is messaging. Just need to reach out to Autumn, Kaleigh and Lindsey more.

DAISY

UGHHH really just did my first tarot pull for the game and my sassy deck THREW the tower at me for me. I'm getting fucked up this game. Ik it. Autumn- 5 of pentacles, 8 of pentacles Work & skill, trouble between allies Blake- 8 of wands reversed, hierophant reversed Jealousy & quarrels, weakness or overkindness? Captain- Chariot, 4 of cups reversed Trouble, Omen/new relation Daisy- THE TOWER, King of Swords Misery & Calamity, Power Isaac- 5 of cups reversed, queen of pentacles Strongly allied, security Jarod- knight of pentacles reversed, 6 of swords reversed Carelessness/idleness (goat king), publicity To me it sounds like jarods not going to be doing anything and everyone is so focused on him Jennet- Wheel of fortune, ace of wands Double fortune cards… winner? Kaleigh- 2 of pentacles reversed, 8 of wands reversed Once again Jealousy & quarrels.. I wonder if it’ll be blake vs kaleigh :0. 2 of pentacles reversed in my booklet says “simulated enjoyment” so hopefully that means shes having a good time while doing it. Lanie- 10 of pentacles, THE TOWER Long term success, Misery & Calamity Lindsay- Judgement, Emperor Renewal,  Stability & Protected Mario- Judgement, 4 of swords Renewal, vigilance/solitude Nicole- 10 of pentacles reversed, Page of swords Loss, spying Nyx- Justice reversed, 9 of swords reversed Imprisonment, bias!! (nyx getting robbed prejury again ik it) William- queen of wands reversed, temperance reversed Competing interests (middle game?), good but opposing Wyatt- 2 of swords reversed, 7 of swords reversed Disloyalty, Babbling!! (they gonna spread shit???) Xavier- 8 of cups reversed, ace of cups Happiness & joy, true heart I love xavier

CAPTAIN

hi hello orange u glad to see me???? anyways, i see some familiar faces. will do the um whats it called? first impression!! soon. x

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my tribe still hasnt talked.. i'm pretty sure we're gonna lose and like the deadline is coming up, i need to go to sleep and idk what the hell i'm gonna do

WILLIAM

I'm glad we finally sorted out who is doing what....... IT ONLY TOOK US 15 HOURS TO DO SO, AND HALF THE TEAM ISNT EVEN ONLINE!!!!!! Boy i really hope we fucking crush this challenge cause im always so worried that im like SO annoying and everyone wants me gone, so ima just pray and like try not to cry in my bucket hat

CAPTAIN

just finished the first puzzle with william <33 he's so sweet!!! hopefully we did good enough to score a point for our tribe.. *prays*

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just like i said, our tribe is for sure losing and boom we rlly lost. see, they rlly didn't communicate like who did what since when the round got posted. and not everyone lives in the US, thats xenophobic.

and now isaac said the vote might be on me or nyx? 2 pocs? and it comes from a white gay? what a great start cow!!

XAVIER

Video entries are better :) And I feel awesome for not going first! 

CAPTAIN

ok heres another one because i want to get it all OUT in case i go first.. i don't understand like AT ALL why ppl who play orgs especially on discord think everyone comes from the US. like pls, ur not the WORLD?? ur so self-centered and xenophobic and with the asian hate thats been going on in the US right now.. it makes sense of them to just vote out ppl who are from different timezones. like am i upset when i dm yall while its late for yall and yall don't answer me right away? no. because i understand timezones.

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this is such a mess and its only day 2.

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okay things are going better for me. i actually tried to talk with everyone sobs.. its so tiring. but isaac seems to like me and i like him too! which is great cause he might not want to vote for me IF i'm rlly the name everyone's throwing around.. nicole mentioned about voting for lanie which is great since its what jennet (and i) want. we're just gonna have to pray and see yall. i like lanie but why did she throw me utb like that? sobs

WILLIAM

CAPTAIN

ok my last confessional before i go to bed.. so apparently, everyone kinda heard that nicole talked to lanie and mentioned that she had talked to me and nyx the least. which lanie spread it to others.. and it came back to nicole and now everyone knows about it so yea, after i knew that, i've been trying my best to talk to everyone while they're still awake which went pretty well. blake, isaac, nyx and will all said they won't vote for me and jennet is with me for sure. and getting lanie out is lowkey our plan but it just happens magically. idk prays for me, i'm still worried tho don't jump the gun!!!! and oh.. um idk hope everything will be fine for me yall. i believe that it will be. fingers crossed.

DAISY

[pumpkinpie59]

rant thing idk:

someone decided to get nasty with me during a discussion about masaya on amino ...

them: His personality is unrealistic because they didn't give him any character flaws which is why to me he was not an interesting character

me: no character flaws? dislikes humanity, can get jealous, keeps his personal life a secret and therefore has few friends, etc. the only reason we don’t really see his main flaws is because the series is from ichgo’s pov so we see things how she sees them. she sees masaya as a kind and caring individual, so we don’t see all the nitty gritty stuff. also it’s been shown that he works rlly hard to be “perfect” bc that’s what people expect of him. he liked ichigo because he felt like he could be himself. sorry, but i do not see how he could be unrealistic or uninteresting :/

them: I don't remember him ever getting jealous always accepting ichigo's being late all the time ,he always protects her and senses when she is in danger , never one got mad at her, acts to perfect which if it is in her prove to , he would be just as manipulative as kisshu , he felt like he could be himself in front of her but yet he still tried to act perfect, therefore he was never his true self in front of her and realistically eventually he would get mad at her for being late all the time and would feel like she's not making an effort to show up despite his secret life , he despises humanity which would mean he would secretly despise her to, there for he had a motive for acting perfect so he was using her all the same

me: he gets pretty jealous in the manga many times. also he says he’s a bit jealous of ryou in the anime. protecting his gf is what he should do as a bf? he got mad at her in episode 4 since she was being secretive and ran off and he was rlly worried about her. he’s definitely not as manipulative as quiche. quiche forces her to do things she doesn’t want to do, while masaya lets her make her own decisions unless he feels uncomfortable (which is a very healthy thing to do in a relationship). if you watch the christmas episode, he admits to his secrets to her and from then on is able to be honest with her when he’s upset or uncomfortable. as for the last few sentences, where does it ever show that he’s mad at her for being late/not making an effort (which he knows isn’t true)??? he said himself that she’s helping him accept humanity and learn to love it. he wasn’t using her, he just saw something in her that he didn’t see in other people and admired her for it and eventually fell for her. that’s innocent and sweet and i don’t understand why you hate him.

them: But he wasn't honest from the very start and neither was she so that would be a toxic relationship. And you got to look at how both were raise I'm not saying it was right but he was raised as a soldier since he was young and properly taught to take everything by force but then you know what he realized his mistakes , I don't ever remember him openly admitting he was jealous of you and ad a boyfriend he also should let he be independent and not so clingy , how wasn't he using her if he was the vessel of deep blue ??and also remember when he turned into dark blue if his love was true enough he would have not at all and she was the first one he went to kill so he was also violent and no better then kisshu ,the problem I have was hes not an upfront and blunt character as kishu and atleast he admitted he was wrong and then he let her be happy though honestly he ended up going to England afterwards then left her alone to be a mew mew to fight by herself

me: okay 1, you started this discussion claiming that masaya was too perfect, and now you’re claiming that he’s toxic. you went back on your claim. 2, masaya wasn’t deep blue. he was his own person, but deep blue only created his body to later be his host body, but masaya was not deep blue himself. 3, masaya and ichigo went to england together. ichigo left him there to help the mews, and he missed her and came back to see her later. he tries to keep in touch as much as he can. and finally 4, not being honest right away is not toxic. they were in the testing phase of their relationship, and thus had to work up to an understanding that both could benefit from. he was able to give her her space so she could grow to accept him and vice versa. that’s healthy. yes, quiche learned, but he still has such a long way to go before he can have a healthy relationship. also, ichigo insisted so many times that he leave her alone. she is in love with masaya and he needs to respect that. even ryou respected that. i don’t hate quiche, but he’s not a great choice for her. at least not at his age. i really don’t want this to get nasty, especially given that i’m a curator and want this to be a safe and enjoyable community, so i would like to respectfully ask you to drop this.

them: You can seem perfect and be toxic it's called narcissism look it up , look in the manga he was his vessel which mean he is deep blue (...) Not being honest is being dishonest , your getting nasty because you don't respect my views and can't handle I have good points , but think what you want you even have in your profile you hate ppl that hate mayasa you must be extremely young and can't handle a good debate but w/e be immature because I have a different opinion and you can't handle it

then they blocked me.

so here’s the thing. i’m not sure if it’s because of my high school background of debate or whatever, but coming up with counter arguments is how debate works? i wasn’t trying to insult them or antagonize them. i was trying to have an intelligent conversation.

this is how i would’ve responded had they not blocked me:

“i wasn’t going to respond because i want this argument to end, but you’re choosing to insult me specifically. i’m 19 and have been active online for ten years now. i never said i hated people *who* dislike masaya. i said i dislike the fact that people hate masaya. completely different. having a good argument means being able to deconstruct a point and giving an alternate point clearly. i literally went to a classical school that taught how to debate. i may not be best at it, but i’m not inexperienced. i’m not trying to be nasty. i’m just trying to respond to your points with my own, which is how debate works. i really wish you’d stop this tho. you’re calling me disrespectful and yet you go and call me immature. this argument is pointless and at this point you’re being hurtful, which is itself a fallacy called ad hominem.”

some more things i wanna say just to get it out of my system: coming up with counterpoints is not disrespecting someone’s opinion. they can believe they have good points. that’s whatever. i believe i have good points. the whole point of a debate is to take an argument and analyze it. tbh i don’t think they were fully reading my points and instead came to conclusions.

“not being honest is being dishonest.” maybe in some cases, but i literally said they were in the early stages of a relationship. idk about anybody else, but say i had a toxic family life as a child. i wouldn’t tell a new partner that right off the bat. i would wait a bit before sharing something so personal so i know it’s safe with that person. same with masaya and ichigo.

“masaya is narcissistic.” i don’t even know how to argue against this because it’s such a ridiculous claim.

tbh tho i kinda wish i had been able to come to some middle ground in the end with a better understanding of each other’s opinions. i keep feeling like i made a wrong choice ... i dislike it when people assume things about me because i honestly want to get along with people. what did i do wrong?

i’m choosing not to tag this

[uniformbravo]

“quick” life update while i wait for my ipod to charge

(do ppl even still use ipods in this day & age. whats spotify)

i never made any posts abt it but i started the new semester & im taking 2 classes, it’s funny actually bc i waited even more til the last minute than i usually do to figure out my classes & spent the 1st week of school trying to see a counselor to find out if i still needed classes and that’s a whole other story for a whole other day but long story short the answer was no but i decided to take a couple anyway

mainly because every time im not in school The Depression takes over & i just needed something to Do so im taking intermediate painting (even tho painting 1 made me want 2 die every day) and animation (even tho i’ve already decided i don’t want to be an animator????)

so heres the thing, okay, since these are classes i don’t need in order to fill any requirements or anything i had to pick them based on nothing, really, like my main reason for taking classes this semester was to give myself something to do, right. i picked painting because my friend had told me she was taking it so i was like yo i’ll just do that too bc we had fun last time & it’s a good way to stay in contact. originally that was gonna be my only class bc i knew it’d be a lot of work and time but then i talked to my school’s art counselor about transferring to another school after im graduated from here and i’d said i was maybe interested in storyboarding so we looked at schools with animation programs and i decided super last minute to just take the animation class here and Boy what a mistake

last semester i was talking on here about a computer art class i had considered taking but dropped bc it seemed kinda... shitty?? because i hated the way the teacher taught and i felt like i wasn’t gonna gain anything from the class??? well animation is taught by the same guy and hhhhhhhhh he’s so fucking unhelpful it’s such a nothing class

see i was hoping to learn some hand-drawn animation basics like timing, squash & stretch, the fucking bouncing ball assignment, shit like that, right. the teacher was like “today we’re gonna go over the 12 principles of animation” and i was like “sweet i’ve heard of that this’ll be good” & literally he brought up a list, read off most of the names, briefly described a few, and told us to google it if we wanted more info like?? holy shit dude????? thanks for nothing oh my god

i’ve been taking a lot of time practicing animating in flipnote studio on my 3ds and watching youtube videos and i’ve been learning so much more from that than anything explained by my teacher bc godddd. basically what the class boils down to is like. flash animation. so far we’ve been working in adobe illustrator and animate & i cannot stand illustrator. i know it’s a good and useful program and if i wanted to i could learn how to use it & eventually get used to it but just the way he teaches it makes me want 2 slam dunk my computer

the computer art basics class was strongly recommended to be taken before this class but tbh i don’t even think that’s the issue here because i tried to take that class and his method was the same; he does a demo on screen that you’re supposed to follow along and do with him and he explains what hes doing as he goes but he goes so fast that if u miss a step ur fucked 

and it’s not just that he goes fast, it’s also that theres no understanding of the program itself, like ok u know how in math there’s all these formulas where if u just plug numbers into them it gives u the right answer? i always understood formulas better when i knew what each variable stood for & why the values were being added or multiplied together because then it made it easier to extract the information i needed from word problems and also helped me memorize the formulas themselves easier because i could make those associations between numbers and purpose. i had the groundwork of the formula, so i could apply it to all kinds of situations

this class is like, he only gives you the very specific formulas required to accomplish very specific tasks in the programs so i can’t make the connections to figure out how to perform other tasks and i get super lost every time & it’s super frustrating & i could ask for help because he comes around and helps people who need it but i sit in the back corner so he never really even looks my way so i feel like i can’t get his attention w/o speaking up or getting up to go get him & i get lost so often that it’s really just a pain to ask him every single time

i just hate when i have a problem in one of the programs & i just have absolutely no clue how to fix it or even work around it? im used to photoshop and illustrator is just so opposite that my brain doesn’t want to work with it so im. 100% floundering in this class

we have 2 assignments during the whole semester, the first was a group project where we hand draw a 3-second animation (~30 frames) and that was literally the very first thing we did in the class with no prior guidance and honestly i suspect that the only reason he assigns it is to fill the requirement for a group project (which i know is a thing bc a lot of my past teachers have talked about it being a thing) so it was literally just. a nothing project

the second assignment is our final which is a 90-second animation (~1080 frames) and we have basically the rest of the semester to work on it, so about a month and a half-ish? and all we’ve learned how to do so far is motion tweening in animate, basically. i mean we did a ball-and-string thing which was kind of different but it mostly involved a lot of copy+paste bullshit in illustrator & also like automatic shortcuts & stuff, there was really no drawing involved at all

also it’s one of those classes where everyone just kind of messes around and does their own thing like?? i saw one girl reading manga on her computer & these two dudes at my table were comparing yugioh cards & i hear like 50 thousand conversations about anime every day & i mean im not one to talk tbh but it’s just the atmosphere, it feels like u either know what ur doing or u just fuck around w/ ur friends and im in the “neither of those” category and the girl who was reading manga is in the “both” category bc every other time i’ve looked over there she’s got this amazing masterpiece on her screen that she made in illustrator & i die inside every time what the fuckkc 

he showed us examples of final projects from last semester and i noticed that some of them were done traditionally or in programs that were obviously not illustrator so i asked him about it & he said it doesn’t have to be done in illustrator/animate as long as it’s 90 seconds long so Guess What i think i’m just gonna make it somewhere else lmaooo i mean i feel like it’s a missed opportunity bc i have these programs at my disposal & im not even using them but god amn. god fuckign damn

im thinking of animating it in flipnote bc that’s what i’ve been using & im pretty familiar with it by now but im not sure because there are some important things im not sure i’ll be able to accomplish with it like backgrounds (which are another requirement for the assignment) and i don’t want to back myself into a corner, especially with how little time i have to do it, so idk for sure. my other idea was to use clip studio paint but i have the pro version which only lets u use 24 frames per animation which totals out to a whopping 2 seconds so idk if i want to have to deal with that bullshit either. right now im considering making the rough animation in flipnote so i can figure out the timing & shit and then slapping it into clip studio to finalize everything (or technically i could even do that in photoshop, since im more familiar w/ it & can probably work faster there- from photoshop it’d be a matter of copying the finished frames into clip studio to export into 2-second clips & then compile those in movie maker & then bam finished animation)

so!!! it’s a lot of shit im dealing with in this class & im just like. if im doing it this way then why do i even need to show up for class. what am i even in this class for im just basically making an animation on my own time with my own resources using none of the techniques taught in the class. im only doing this animation because it’s an assignment for the class im not gaining anything from. it just seems so pointless & the only thing getting me through it is the thought that i could possibly put this in a portfolio somewhere down the line, and for that i’d want it to look nice and not rushed so im thinking that for the sake of finishing the assignment i might just use my rough animation so that i can spend more time on the “nice” version afterward

aaaanyway it’s um Late for me & i went on about this for too long but i needed to get it off my chest tbh, i’ve been thinking abt making this post for like 2 weeks so there u go. i didn’t even talk about my painting troubles good lord. if you’ve been wondering why i havent been online as much lately This is why. also bc im a huge loser and 100% of my free time has been going into watching anime bye