#when it was my bday this kid who i NEVER talked to in hs made this very elaborate and ooey gooey instagram story for me with a shit ton of

[pepprs]

yeah naur i have gotten some very strange outbursts of potentially romantic attention out of nowhere in the last couple weeks huh!

[reversecreek]

clicks onto the dash wearing kitten heels n coyly holding my bang....... hi. me again. it took me so long to select a gif to use on cricket’s intro n i settled on this one bc he looks so unsure abt his smile n it’s rly his essence <3 u can find his pinterest board here��n his (work in progress) spotify playlist here. hmu to plot!!! 

* alex wolff, cis male + he/him | you know cricket donahue, right? they’re twenty-two, and they’ve lived in irving for, like, all of their life, on and off? well, their spotify wrapped says they listened to should have known better by sufjan stevens like, a million times this year, which slipping on wet leaves to photograph a tree struck alight by lightning, delivering a tedtalk to your own reflection to hype yourself up to buy groceries, hiding your hands inside of your sleeves in case you grew an impromptu megan fox thumb overnight thing going on. i just checked and their birthday is october 1st, so they’re a libra, which is unsurprising, all things considered. ( nai, 24, gmt, she/her )

HISTORY:

cricket ws born to a couple tht lived in lilac ridge. their trailer was tucked closest to the woods n always fell under the shade. it was like the leaves wanted to pretend they were a perpetual hanging cloud on the family n that was kind of fitting. their only reason fr having him in the first place was a kind of shrugged like........... we’re under the income bracket we’d get child benefits so why not! may as well try it to rake in some extra cash! needless to say they didn’t rly think it thru or anticipate all of the responsibilities tht came w children n wound up seeing him as an extremely large burden n boy didn’t he know it!

(child neglect & abuse tw) i’ll try to keep this part vague n brief but things were Not Good for cricket growing up. people in lilac ridge didn’t like his parents n it was for a gd reason. he remembers foggy things. being little n wandering around combing the grass with a stick to search for wrappers to suck on bc he was hungry. feeling uneasy when the front door opened. finding out his name was cricket bc the insects used to crawl into their trailer thru the vents n his parents liked to squish them into the carpet -- his mum told him as much once. i think this says a lot. to excessively trim the fat of the story he wound up entering the system at around 8 after his latest and most serious hospital visit. his parents hd to deal w the authorities n last he heard they bounced to evade charges.

(anxiety & violence & trauma tw) cricket sustained a few lifelong injuries from his time in lilac ridge. his knee didn’t heal right which meant he had (n still has to this day) a limp n he’s partially deaf in one ear. he’s always been an incredibly insecure n anxious person so this mde him rly self conscious going into a strange n new environment tht wld b difficult fr any kid to adjust to, nvm w these added worries. he jst felt like something weird to ogle at honestly. he probably wld have felt like that no matter where he was or what he looked like. he cld be in a huge hall of 200 people all wearing the same uniform n he’d still feel like the odd one out. needless to say this didn’t rly help him make friends

cricket’s coping mechanisms were romanticising the things tht other people found ugly or embarrassing or painfully ordinary. he liked it when the rain hit clunky drops against school windows n forbid everyone from playing outside bc he could feel the vibrations through the rubber soles of his shoes n it was a little bit like hearing all of the world at once fr just a moment. he liked medieval fantasy lore about stout gnomes w crumbs in their beards n cheeks red from ale. he liked fallen nests with the remnants of hatched eggs still dirty from the branches n soil they’d hit on the way down. he liked the way the sunlight leaked thru the leaves of the trees in the woods and how, when he sat very still, he could tune into the ringing that was always in his ear n pretend it was coming from the same place, that light thru the leaves, that the angels were trying to talk to him.

he spent a lot of time in the red room at his high skl (i’m begging u this is not a 50 shades reference) (after googling i jst realised it’s called a darkroom bt i’m leaving this fr the sake of sexy bimbo authenticity) n felt quite at home in there. he borrowed a camera whenever he cld (maybe he did yearbook) n photography became his way of immortalising the world as the romanticised version he wanted it to be. his memories were bad bt his photos were beautiful. maybe if he took enough they’d paste over n bleed into each other. maybe bad cld be replaced w beautiful if he tried his very best.

he got placed into fostering w a family once bt apparently didn’t meet the vibe check of their tastes so he wound up returning to the group home he’d initially been placed in. overall this is where he grew up n he aged out the system rather than getting adopted. there was a sense of floundering/isolation/not feeling gd enough in tht bt cricket made do the best he knew how. 

that said there were some gd points! (shocking i kno bc his life hs been so fking bleak so far bt please it’s ok........) (is it?) (🤔). basically he interned as an assistant at this local photography studio during high skl working under this kind of whimsical yet endearing old man. suspected wizard possibly in cricket’s eyes, as an avid fantasy genre reader. for one of his bdays said old man / his boss bought him his very own film camera n cricket cried bc he’d never been bought a bday gift. this ws rly embarrassing bc this old man didn’t know how to emote n neither did cricket so he ws jst sort of sat wiping his eyes n sniffling saying he wasn’t crying as the old man pretended to suddenly clean his lenses. when cricket graduated he offered him a full time position there. they do like. wedding photographs n family portraits n all kinds of things...... pay isn’t huge bt it’s something n he Loves taking photos so it’s sexy <3

PERSONALITY:

SUCH an anxious person it’s actually unreal. overthinks absolutely everything he’s ever said. one morning he might hv put green socks on n for the rest of the day he’s nervously looking around like omggggggg they’re all looking at my socks probably thinking im a little green sock boy thinking i’m a fool n a jester this is all everyone’s probably thinking about i hv to hide my green socks..... even tho literally no-one cares

once saw a girl eating a chicken wing n in his head was like ok she likes chicken good future gift idea..... n turned up at her house with an entire rotisserie chicken

probably thinks WAY too hard abt what to write in bday cards n googles like generic ideas that he can use.... u open a card from cricket n it always says smthn weird like “Warmest wishes and love on your birthday and always!” or “You deserve everything happy. Wishing you that all year long!” tht he got off google

nervously fiddles w things a lot. literally anything. his hair. the cuffs of his sleeves. a thread on his bag. u name it

struggles w eye contact sometimes............ it’s like. he wants to talk to ppl n make friends bt he’s honestly so bad at it. he’s fumbling thru life like a nervous headless chicken

ALWAYS has his camera on him. like always. will tke a photo of u bc he thinks u look nice then be like im so sorry im so sorry...... bowing his head shakily holding his camera bc he doesn’t even kno what possessed him he jst thought it’d be a nice photograph bt boundaries exist. probably breathes very heavily over this later in his room panicking thinking he nw seems like hannibal lecter

probably more confident online bc he has time to think abt what he says more.......... i can see him hving a group of online friends tht he’s more confident w. honestly he’s pretty witty at heart he jst has a hard time verbalising things so ppl overlook him sometimes bt once u get to know him more / he’s more comfy he can b a funny little man.....

loves photographs where he cuts something out of them. loves missing spaces n voids. thinks it’s a rly interesting concept when something that isn’t there becomes the focus of a photograph where everything else is. probably loses his mind fr a collage like a front row 1d stan. likes experimenting w light n perception. pretty artistic honestly hs probably made a stop motion film in the past bc that’s just an extended form of photography in his mind bt i doubt he showed anyone

ummm...... very sweet bt like. he reminds me a lot of this quote. “he had the awkward tenderness of someone who has never been loved and is forced to improvise.” feel like tht sums him up quite nicely

WANTED CONNECTIONS

someone he met at a wedding: cricket probably ws forced to photograph a wedding fr his boss one time n it cld b interesting as a place to meet from that....... like. i can imagine either it being rly awkward maybe he accidentally spilled a drink on ur muse n was stuttering rly apologetic n it ws just a train wreck. or mayb they took pity on him or even (in a shocking turn of events) a shine to him n invited him to drink n dance. omgggg the thought of cricket trying to dance makes me wna die n probably mkes cricket wna hyperventilate bt idk maybe he went wild n let loose. mayb they wound up damaging the camera somehow. mayb they had to scramble to get another one n ur muse covered the cost n it was a strange late night excursion tht cricket thought about a lot since. cricket probably vowed to pay them bk somehow no matter what. idk. we can work things out. lots of diff options here. doesn’t have to b a wedding either can b any event tht required a photographer

ppl he went to school w: pretty self explanatory i suppose...... maybe they were frm completely different worlds..... mayb ur muse was popular n cricket was definitely not but they got paired fr an assignment n had to work on a project together....... mayb cricket asked ur muse on a date one time n it was completely embarrassing bc he didn’t realise they had a bf n it haunts cricket at night still bc he’s rly dramatic.... mayb ur muse felt sry fr him n ate lunch w him n inducted him into their group like a lost puppy finding a home.... world’s our oyster

neighbours from his brief time at lilac ridge: not to reference taylor swift but i’m gna reference taylor swift n say we cld do a seven inspired plot here. sighs a little..... then sighs a lot. he was here ages 0-8 so idk. we cld work out childhood plots perhaps....

sickening simp: i mean.............. cricket probably gets crushes on ppl so easily like just. anyone who’s the slightest bit nice to him.................. he’s a disgrace. ok i take it back. bt also please get it together freak............... i didn’t say that. he’d probably b extra nice to this person n try n pay close attention to things they liked so he cld get them little gifts. just a bit embarrassing n lovestruck bless his heart. wldn’t expect anything back tho honestly that just isn’t something he tends to do.

let’s go gays: cricket’s bi but he probably was rly in his head abt liking boys n tried to sort of squash it internally during his younger yrs...... i think he’s more comfy w it now MAYBE idk bt back then i picture him having a friend tht ws kind of like. similarly loserish as him perhaps (no offence to ur muse potentially filling this plot or cricket bt let’s face the facts) n they’d hang out n play games a lot n one time it jst kind of happened n he was like............. *struts in looking around sharply* What going on here? except not. bc it’s cricket. more like *shambles in looking around anxiously* What’s, uh... What’s... the happenings? S--... I’m sorry. (immediate apology for saying what’s the happenings bc nobody talks like that n it was an impulsive panic bc he didn’t know what else to say)

those who grew up in the system w him: maybe at the group home or i’d also like the family that fostered him n said sayonara. honestly i imagine the parents just thought he ws a bit too much of a handful / had too much baggage which is rly quite merciless n terrible but. if u think that aligns w ur muses home situation hmu......

um. can’t think of more bt just anything honestly. jst go wild.......

[gncharlie]

tagged by @mlentertainment (yay! ffffrienddddddd :D)

1. Do you make your own bed?: hah, no

2. What’s your favorite number?: idk let's go with 17 cuz it seems to be the last of my memories at that age (or beginning??)

3. What’s your job?: I work with a kid with downs syndrome and like the title makes it seem all special but my sis keeps calling me a glorified babysitter

4. Can you parallel park?: i don't drive! what??

5. A job you had that would surprise people?: uhhh I had a summer volunteer thing at my neighbors being like a teacher's aide kinda, and we were supposed to get paid after summer ended but it never happened :/ this was like age 14 maybe

6. Do you think aliens are real?: in the sense that they're living beings outside our planet, yes. but not in the sense that they're weird green creature with big almond heads (wouldn't a plant on mars classify as alien?)

7. Can you drive a manual car?: wtf is a car

8. What’s your guilty pleasure?: .... last october I fell back into my kpop days under the guise of "hs nostalgia" and I've been trapped ever since

9. Tattoos?: :''''''''''( I've been wanting to get a bday tattoo the past 2 years now and just last month I was told by my mom that muslims can't get tattoos (even tho they barely fucking follow those rules themselves and my dad has 3 shitty tats -.- guess I'm gonna have to wait for that also until I'm 25+ just like having to wait to be Out)

10. Favorite color?: lilac (hs I got really specific and decreed this my fav color, basically just a pastel purple-pink fusion)

11. Things people do that drive you crazy?: people who don't have spatial awareness and like... I'm on the bus and someone's bag is right in my face. I once had a guy literally put his butt on my shoulder (these are probably bad examples but I can't remember others atm)

12. Any phobias?: i might have claustrophobia idk, I always complain in a car or closed home (no windows) that there's no oxygen

13. Favorite childhood sport?: I didn't have a childhood sport cuz terrible parents, but I did play badminton with my sis a whole lot and we kept losing shuttlecocks on roofs

14. Do you talk to yourself?: when home alone definitely

15. What movies do you adore?: Handsome Devil (the only movie to send me down a 3month obsession. I've watched it probably 8 times now and idk why), Coco, Spiderverse, How I Felt When I Saw That Girl (Bollywood), idk I can't remember I'm more shows than movies really

16. Do you like doing puzzles?: i want a big giant difficult puzzle rn :'''( it's been so long

17. Favorite kind of music?: calm!!!! I literally to basically everything but calm pretty music is my absolute favorite, I especially love long songs. songs that exceed the standard time length ahem sufjan stevens - impossible soul 25min banger

18. Tea or coffee?: tea, definitely. im constantly craving some tea concoction whether it be hot or cold, coffee I drink like once a week maybe if I'm feeling like my brain is just Out Of Town

19. What’s the first thing you remember you wanted to be when you grew up?: fashion designer, the gay chose me at a very young age.. I remember I cut up my dolls' clothes to make new ones for them and I remember they SUCKED, also I made a bunch of fingerless gloves because I didn't learn to make any actual clothes

I tagg @babystandu @lesbianrep @trans-adorra and everyone

[larissaloki]

Abusive relationships,

Yes another one of these, ths my own personal experiences with a relationship that ended nearly two years ago. I’ve only just gotten the confidence too share as to this day, my son is still negatively affected by the aftermath.

Thankfully my relationship only lasted 2 months before i wised up and kicked his ass to the curb. These kinds of relationships can happen to anyone, not just women, so this post will hopefully serve as a warning for everyone on what to look out for.

Before i continue i will warn that content can be sensitive for some (obviously) but also mentions of a bdsm esk lifestyle. Not overly explitic but it’s still there. Also I am just writng out as it pops into my head so bare with my ramblings as this hard to get out.

To start off with, I am a single mum living in a flat and at the time i was working part time (18 hours a week a the time) with a 2 year old toddler and 22 years old. Despite having a son I was lonely a lot as a lot of friends stopped contacting me and my weekly dnd group was disbanded so my human interactions where limited and lets just say retail doesn’t equate to good human contact.

Fast forward because you don’t want to hear about my struggles wth dating as humourous it is. I met (lets call him D) D and as always, things see well- D was sweet and charmng and was seemingly ok with me having a toddler. Brillant! i thought i had hit gold with this guy.

This how abusers are, they make themselves seem to sweet and amazing that you become blind any faults. You know that saying “I’m not like those guys, not all guys are like that” D used these words when describng himself and in conversations. in my experience with him and a few other people, people that have used these sentences are often exactly like the ones they say they aren’t.

So far everything he’s done is present a pleasent package that sound and looks trustworthy and a nice guy. Making the bad traits come across as just mere off days. I was so blinded by the fact that he seemed to sweet and nice that i didn’t realise exactly what he was doin for a mere two months. thankfully talks at schools and thing’s I’ve read online and family members helped me clock onto his games.

ALWAYS LISTEN TO FAMILY! i say this because they noticed within weeks what he was doing and were trying to find ways to warn me. He seemed hesitant to meet my family after a month of dating which for my family is odd, as we are a pretty tight family more or less at the times. My mum met everyones partners quickly as we all visited each other a lot at the time.

when she did meet him a month into dating and was talking to him, D admitted that he would read my phone over my shoulder ALL.THE.TIME. This is not good, nothing i thought was private actually was. But his own phone was protected like it was the holy grail of all holy grails. I never actually asked to see his phone but it’s somethin i noticed after we broke up that he would always hide the screen from anyone in the room. He would try and create arguments over anything with my mu and sister when they were at my home while i was working, watching over my son. At this pont i wasn’t still comfortable enough for D to be along with my son.

When i then got home, my mum and sister would leave quickly unable to stand being in D’s presence. this made me think they simply just didn’t like him, so when it annoyed me, D would jump onto my rants and feed them. Make my anger at my mum and sister worse by telling white lies, basically fanning the flames. People, if your partner does this- take a step back and wonder why.

D was purposefully driving wedges between me and my family and later my best friend by complaining about each and trying to get me to join his point of view. Tryng to get me to view them as hinderences rather than support. Driving me to focus on him completely and not them. Do not let anyone destroy your family ties, especially ones with your closest family.

then theres the other little things, like comlaining how i wash my hair and which products i use saying i was damaging myself. everything i used was of good value and methods professional hairdressers adviced me to use. But apparently a guy who doesn’t even condition and had short balding hair had better knowledge then me. this is another form of control, trying to tell me how to do things. same with cooking, I’m not a bad cook i can make somegood meals but he insisted on cooking saying he’s amazing at cooking. He would often put in way to much garlic and onion making the meals he made full of to much flavour and would get upset when my poor 2 year old wouldn’t eat or I wouldnt. Even when i told him not to put so much he would snap saying he knew what he was doing.

Then theres the guilt tripping and telling me how to raise my child. A person who has no children was apparently more knowledgable than me who read articles and books and have a mother who’s had 4 kids herself. When out and about he would get annoyed when my 2 year old had a tantrum and play up.

saying that my son was being a disrespectful shit to me and would publically shame me for ignoring or trying to appease my son depending on what the tantrum was over. RED FLAG! A 2 year old cannot be disrespectful, my son struggles with speech to this day due to D demanding my son uses his words and not cries to display hs wants. D’s view was that kids should be perfectly articulate at 2 year old and understand all these adult social cue’s.

Then at bed times, D hated that i cuddled my son till he slept and that my son came intomy bed halfwa through the night for comfort reasons. So he demanded i changed the night routine to involve maths for my 2 year old and a story while my son was in bed then just walkout of the bedroom. leave my son alone regardle if he was upset, my heart broke at my sons cries as D scared my son back into bed and kept leaving him. Ignoring my concerns with this method saying it wht he read online and eventually my son will sleep. worst two weeks of my life until i broke the cycle as I just couldn’t allow it to continue.

i was fas growing afraid of D at this point. One night he flipped his shit as i turned over in bed declaring it was to hot to share the bed due to my memory foam topper and that he runs hot anyway. he threw his phone at the wall over it. Another time he yelled at me for not trying a certain stores jellybabies when i said. didn’t like jellybabies, saying that i was being stubborn as this stores jelly babies were delicious. i promised to try them later- when he was out i threw them away and just told him that yes they were ok.

He mocked the games i played and liked, i love final fantasy and rpg games a lot. i find them entertaining but he mocked them saying i should play more fighter interactve games. he made me play one that i just found dull and did not like at all.

After this he was also scaring me with his bsm ettiquette, anyone in bdsm know that you respected your partners limits and repected their safe word and what they tell you the are ok with and what they aren’t ok with. A few times he violated this. He liked to give pain and i liked mostly pleasure and rope play. A hard limit for me was belts- i was not ok with them at all, he used one one session and i had to safe word out quickly which he found fuckng funny. This is not ok. Another time we wanted to try a new pose with ropes and the position i was in was making me feel ill half way through beng tied, so i safe worded and asked me to get me out as i felt sick.

If your partner is in rope and feels unwell or safe words out- get them out fast! Cut the ropes if you need to you can always buy more ffs. But D didn’t, he sighed and slowly untied me. No matter how much i begged him to hurry up he went at his own slow ass pace. Do not do this as something someone once found enjoyable suddenly no longer is.

And lastly, do not snap at your sub if your rope plans dont go to plan. Do not make them feel bad if something doent work. I was snapped at when ties he was tryng for the first time weren’t working, nothing i could help.

towards the end he told my mum when they again where at mine alone that he would be moving in in 6 months time so she had best get usedto him being here. we had only been dating at this point for less than 2 months. I have a rule that i don’t move in with someone unles i’ve been with them for more than 2-3 years at the minimum.

8 MONTHS IS TO SOON.

the event that pretty much spelled the end for this? was my sons bday and D turned up after eveyone had gone which fair enough, lots of kids wasn’t his thing. I had some alcohol and energy drinks as well, he offere weed which i had had before unaware of him slipping me ectasy as well.

All of these things did not respond well to me, hours later in the next morning as i had this 9 pm the night before, by 10 am D left to go home and i was dealing with what i think was the come down. Badly. Ikept having panic attack and was not right for two days after. My heart kept going dangerous speeds that i had to call my mum and sister for help as D said he woudlnt come over as i wa just beng silly and that it would pass. I was worried for my son if something was to happen to me over it.

After this i talked to my mum and the truth was coming out in small bits. I stupidly was on the fence about what my mum was telling me as i was reliant on D’s affection and we i went to get a coil (birth control device) and D hated that i was going with my mum and that i had been talking to her.

He got defensive and was telling me i didnt need my mum in my life. His mum wa dead and he was doing well, so i didn’t need mine in hs eyes. This is maniplative as fuck and he was an asshole trying to use this. By thi point. Was wising up to his tactics and games with teh help of my mum exposing what he hadsaid to her and i dumped him.

He tried to then play around with getting his things back and tried to arrange it when i would be alone. Never meet an ex like this alone people i beg you, i got my mums bf to wait for him instead,and i prepacked his stuff so he couldnt possibly steal anything. When he saw my mums bf his aggressive pose he had at the door dropped away. He was suddenly polite and cordial and left with little fuss once received his things. Never meet an abusive ex alone.

After he left my life i found out he had gotten onto my computer that was a christmas gift and had wrecked it beyond usable it quickly broke and i lost everything on it. All my musc and pictures and works. My computer wa my escap and coping mechanism for depression and anxiety. Same as my music. Im still struggling in life around men due to this and my son is strugling to learn to speak still.

Please be careful and never cut out people from your life because a partner says so. Friends and family mean more than someone you just met.

[scriptaed]

It seems like failed love confession time n I've always wanted to talk to u so Ima jump in. So in hs, I had like two instances where my crushes ended up dating my friends. Here's story one; There was this guy I liked who I ONLY talked to on fb but went to school with. We talked every single day for hours on end. Joking, teasing, all that but not speaking in person. I was wayy too nervous cus i was ver ver shy and he was popular. I think we spoke like once and i gave him candy?? 1/

But anyway he never spoke to me either and I never brought it up. But one day I got the courage to confess my feelings!!...online. Only to be rejected :( He was very nice about it but I was all angsty teen and petty and was all like I HOPE U KNOW U MADE ME CRY JERK!! And then id race back to the computer rm (rmbr those days? big boxy computers...) so I could see if he felt bad. Anyway soon after a friend of mine started walking around in his sweatshirts (a big sign) and I about died 2/

n low n behold!I found out they were dating!! P sure she knew i liked him too(i was p obvi) but I was super timid so i didn't say a word,But the worst part by FAR was when we were all invited to a bday sleepover at a friends house. There was only 1 bed. ONe. Bed. like 10+ kids. guess what lucky three got that bed?? not the bd girl not ANYONE ELSE. yup u guessed it. me,my crush, n her. They cuddled all night n(petty) i stole all the covers but 1(in winter) But moral:I got over it n now only laugh

omg hello please feel free to drop by and talk to me any time BECAUSE I FEEL LIKE I CAN RELATE TO YOU SO MUCH?? HAHAHAHAH LIKE ONLY TALKING TO CERTAIN GUYS ONLINE LIKE I ABSOLUTELY DESPISE IT. it makes me so so uncomfortable when i talk to them in person, because it’s just? I DON’T KNOW I PREFER GETTING TO KNOW THEM IN PERSON FIRST BEFORE CHATTING YKNOW?? but i remember those days in middle school where i only talked to certain guys online and we were “dating” bUT NEVER TALKED IN PERSON FJAWEOIFJ THE CRINGE. 

but really??? i don’t know your friend seems kinda ._. and he’s kinda ._. like do they really have to cuddle in front of you when they BOTH know you liked him?? either way, whatever man,,, there are so many more meaningful relationships in your future!! i see why it’d be a pretty funny memory to look back on despite all the angsty teen heartbreak hahah 

[pastelbatfandoms]

Survey because I’m bored

Can you remember your first day of school? I don’t remember the exact first day of Kindergarten, but I do remember I did NOT want to go! But I also met My first Best Friend that day when we ran into each other on our way to the same class lol

Who’s your best friend? Seymore

Do you watch the Disney channel? No,I watch Disney plus

What’s your favourite movie? Clueless

Would you rather jump out of an airplane or go scuba diving? Air Plane

Do you get bored looking at other peoples’ holiday pictures? Doesn’t really happen. I like looking at Family Photos though. 

Do you give money to charity? I have.

What can you hear right now? Puppy Dog Pals playing in the background

What does your last received text say? “k”

Is there anything annoying you right now? Kinda annoyed with this Money situation rn.

What did you last have to eat? Mcdonalds

Are you more into music or movies? Music

Do you like making surveys? I make some every once in a while to have more excuses to talk about myself haha. <<Same lol

When was the last time you went to a swimming pool? Years ago.

Can you ride a bike? What age were you were you learned? Kinda,I think I was 12

Would you rather have a pet snake or a pet turtle? Snake

Do you have, or would you like to get, any tattoos? I would like to

Have you ever seen a band live? Who was the last you saw? Yes, tons. last one was Disturbed,Up and Coming is Backstreet Boys!

What’s the weirdest thing you’ve ever found in someone’s bedroom? I don’t know.

What colour are your socks? Grey and Red with The Evil Queen’s Poison Apple on the sides.

When was the last time you went outside? Yesterday to go Birthday Shopping for My 2 year old.

Are you too hot or too cold right now? Neither

Do you have any musical instruments in your bedroom? No.

Do you like Batman or Robin more? Batman.

Did you ever love Pokemon? Do you still? I do.

Do people who use massive amounts of emoticons annoy you? No

Have you ever talked to your parents over an IM programme? No.

Do you like painting? A picture or walls? I’ve haven’t done either since HS.

Do you have any fairy lights in your bedroom? Not Yet

What does your washing powder smell like? Washing powder? Laundy detergent? It smells like laundry detergent. <<lol yeah idk

Do you have a dishwasher or do you do dishes by hand? Dishwasher

Are there any cobwebs in your room? Maybe.

Do you keep a diary? Not anymore

What made you laugh last? Watching PS Toy Reviews on You Tube.

Have you ever used a pick-up line and had it work? I’ve never used one.

Do you read Texts From Last Night? How about FML? Idk what that is...

Are you wearing any jewelry right now? Just My Wedding Ring

Do American / British spelling differences annoy you? No

Do you like the smell of lavender? Yes.

Have you ever entered a modelling competition? Would you? Hahah no. Wanted to when I was younger.

Did you keep any drawings / stories from when you were younger? Yeah.

Who did you last have an argument with? idk

When was the last time you cooked for yourself? um Michael usually cooks

When was the last time you wrapped a present? Christmas. Will be wrapping more for My Son and Nephews BDay today or tomorrow. 

Do you have a safe? No.

What’s the scariest thing to happen to you so far? I don’t know. Nothing super “scary” has really happened to me that sticks with me. << Yeah I’m not sure...other then being with My Ex for 12 Months...

What was your last dream about? (or your daydream if you don’t remember) Idr tbh

Do you own a baby names book? No.

Do you read TV magazines? No.

When was the last time you saw a relative? Last week

What time is it right now? 2:15 pm

Do you shout out the answers at quiz shows? I don’t watch them

Have you ever been in a TV audience? When I was a kid

Have you ever entered the lottery? Won anything? No,I’m not My Dad

When was the last time you were so angry you thought you would burst? Last week,not angry just disappointed.

Do you skip breakfast? Yes

Are you in anyway close to reaching a personal goal? Nope

Do you prefer crosswords or word searches? Crosswords. But only in Design app games

Have you ever drawn on a wall in your house? No I always used paper....

Felt-tip pens or highlighters? Felt Tip

Do you like making collages? I used to

Have you ever kept a scrapbook? Yes

What’s your favourite video-game? Ever?! Dead or Alive

Do you remember any inside jokes from childhood? Yeah a couple.

Do you think you’re a geek? I suppose

Have you ever made up a word? Maybe when I was younger.

Do you get nervous speaking to people you don’t know on the phone? I hate talking on the phone.

Are you scared of anything irrational? No.

Can you calm yourself down or do you just get all panicked at things? Both.

Do you need to wash your hair? Yeah but i guess it’s good to go 3 days without washing it.

What are your plans for tomorrow? Going to Mom’s so she can hem My Pants.

Have you ever forgotten how to spell a really simple word? Yeah.

Do you have a passport? What’s the picture like? No.

Have you ever had a full fringe? (bangs) Yes.

Is there anything you would never admit to liking? No.

What time did you get up this morning? 9:30 Am because I was hungry,then I went back to bed until 1. 

Have you ever been so hot you took a freezing cold shower? No

Do you own a plaid shirt? No

Do you have a fan in your room? A small plug in one

Do you know where your parents are right now? My Mom is out shopping with My Niece

Can you brush your teeth without getting toothpaste all over your face? Yeah. lol

Do you have tiled floors in your house? Yes, ugly torn up crap in the kitchen 

Do you listen to any movie soundtracks regularly? Not really. 

Do you bruise easily? Yes and No

What would you love to learn to do? How to actually finish a Story and write what’s in My head!

Do you watch movies based on the actors or the movie plot? Usually both. But I have watched some pretty terrible movies that had award winning actors in it. 

[bi-dazai]

like i am TRYING!!! so hard to get back on good terms with her!!! and honestly with the shit she pulls i shouldnt even be giving her this!! but im fucking caring and generous and i always give too many second chances, but often it turns out okay bc in that time the person can realise what theyre doing and apologise and try to change!!!

but oh man!!! 

lets just start on the shit that she did that made me move out:

1. call women “dykes” - even after i told her that, as a straight woman, she couldnt fucking say that word

2. was emotionally manipulative and selfish when i opened up to her, leaving me permanently afraid of ever being vulnerable

3. when i confessed that my anxiety and stress was so bad i literally hadnt had a sex drive for at least two years, her solution was not “let my daughter vent about her troubles” but “i’ll buy you a vibrator” and then not listening when i was visibly uncomfortable and repulsed by this and going ahead and doing it anyway, then getting offended when i got angry at her when she revealed what shed done when it came in the mail and she tried to give it to me

4. going off 3 - never actually respecting my fucking wishes. i said i didnt want a therapist bc and she booked me an appntmnt with a therapist. i said i didnt want to see her at all when i went to live at my dad’s and LITERALLY the next day she came in and tried to talk to me. it took WEEKS of my dad arguing until she actually fucked off. and it extends to the small things as well - eg my brother went to get a massage, my mum asked if i wanted one too, i said no, next thing i know shes booked a double appointment anyway. she really does NOT respect what i say, she thinks she “knows best”

5. about no 2 - confessed all her problems (i mean ALL) to a 10 yr old me, and then whenever i tried to vent to her bc i thought we were close she would speak over me, play the “my suffering is worse than yours” game, and then proceed to never let me actually talk about my feelings bc she used MY TRUST to vent about her own problems when id come to talk about mine. 

6. is a fucking ungrateful bitch. stayed at my dad’s house for a wk after an operation bc my dad wanted her close to the hospital and with someone else in case she needed to be rushed to the er. we cooked for her, looked after her house while she was at ours - my brother spent the night of his own 14th bday sleeping on the couch so she could sleep in his bed - and her thoughts?? “i hate being under ivan’s [my dad] control”. dismisses any kind action. 

7. would guilt trip me and my brother by saying “you dont love me” “you dont appreciate me” “you dont do enough for me” etc while i’m literally the one fucking dealing with her own problems on top of mine, AND the one who talks to her the most, AND the one who actually stood up for her when my dad or my brother were being genuinely nasty to her. and that doesnt even cut it to the fact that being a parent is not going to be an equal fucking exchange between parent and child - the child didnt sign up for being born. AND let’s not get to the fact that, when she started saying shit like this, i was about 12 and my brother was 9.

8. threatened to leave home and me and my brother behind via a fucking text. while at school. this year (my last year of hs). causing me to have a breakdown and an anxiety attack and having to get the school police officer to BREAK INTO her house to talk her out of it.

9. spanked us as kids, threatened to hit us with a wooden spoon, once did with me when she was drunk off her ass (which was fucking often in my childhood), would apologise for it the next day (so she remembered it happened) but end up doing it again some time the same week, mostly to me bc i was oldest and also probably autistic at that stage so didnt quite function the best socially with my brother, but then denies that she ever did it now. i would remember being physically abused bc i yelled too loud for your drunk ass when i was 7, thanks.

the list goes on and fucking on!! im so FUCKING done!!!!!! i cant stand being in this shitpile anymore with her! bc its just tension! every day something has happened which is just honestly a microcosm of how it was when i properly lived w/ her! and tonight it was the lesbophobia and the talking over me and my brother and her ganging up on me, nights before it was just random statements shed say (lets not mention the onslaught of racial slurs which she “justified” when i told her not to say them by saying she was parodying the ppl who use them), and i dont want to fall into the pit i just fucking got out of! so as soon as my dad has his free days then im returning back to my home and avoiding her for the next week. 

[becomingstrong1289]

4/1/17 Parenting agreement

Today I had to go over to Josh's to fill out the parenting agreement. We agreed on everything. That part went well. It was hard to look at him for awhile. I'm not gonna lie, I did my make up and tried to look nice. I want him to notice me and see the mistake he made. When we started talking about co-parenting, I started getting emotional. In July, I picture having Owen's bday party along with his baptizism. I imagine having all of Owen's family there. I finally told him this and told him that my bf will not be there and I don't want his gf there. He then admitted they were not together. She apparently broke it off and he told me he didn't know why. I kept asking what kind of woman could she be to date someone who treats women the way he does. He told me he asked her that.  He told his grandma he didn't care that I was dating Shawn. That stung a little. He really doesn't care that someone is with his wife. I keep forgetting he doesn't love me and hasn't in a very very long time, maybe ever to be honest. I imagine in my head taking family pictures with all of us. There is only one picture of all 5 of us. That's all I have of my family too. I told him I'm so mad at him because he doesn't understand how the kids feel. His parents are still together. I know how Natalie feels. She's a lot angrier than I was though. I talked about the difference between co-parenting and parallel parenting. My parents parallel parented and so do him and Alysca. He even brought up the perfect scenario of a good example of co-parenting. Sitting together at the kids events instead of separately like him and Alysca do. I hate how Vanessa is a separate person when she wasn't with us. That is not going to happen. The kids have a family no matter how many houses it has to live in. All of this being said, it just kinda brought up some feelings I have about him. I guess it shouldn't be a surprise. Me and him have always been good when it came to business. We for the most part have always agreed on stuff like that. We sucked at the relationship part of it obviously. But being so civil and in agreement makes me see the small tiny part of him that I love/loved. So for a few hours I thought about what it would be like to have that part of my life back. Living in that house, parenting together, being together. I realized I would make him sell that house and everything in it. I cant imagine him ever touching me again. It would be too painful. Its so easy to forget the things he has done to me in a moment of good memories. But I have to remember he killed me over and over again. When I was crying I told him I know what I did, but when I came back I tried. I really really tired. He told me he was just too stupid to realize. 2 years of dragging my mind through every resource I could get to make it all better and he didn't even notice. All the lies he told me can never be undone. I could never relax enough to trust him. There will come a day when I'm not angry anymore and I might not hate him either but I cant let my momentary reminisce blind me from what he did to me and the kids. There are pieces that are just unforgivable. He held me down and held me back a lot. Shawn is open and forgiving and fights for me. I have a feeling Josh didn't fight his gf to stay. I have wanted someone to fight for me for a long time. He was selfish and only thought of himself. How many times did I say that to him and he didn't listen. His selfishness lost him almost everything. All I can say to him is "What are you going to do" Where is this money gonna come from? How is he going to be able to live. He cant even pay his bills now. I just don't know. People tell me its not my problem but there's still that tiny piece of me that loves him and I don't want him to suffer like that but his family will bail him out of anything.  I had my review at work. A huge part of my issues at work were my personal life getting in the way. When I was on my anti-depressants I just wasn't able to perform the way I would normally. When I was pregnant my co-workers called me a work horse cuz I just kept going. Once I got on the anti-depressants that just kind of stopped. I thought it was because of my home life with Josh. When I got off them my ambition and initiative came back. I actually got a really good work. My boss called me resilient. I just over come everything. I never thought about it but I really do. I have over come everything that has happened to me and I'm actually doing really well with myself. I hate to do this but I compare myself to my sisters. We all had a different upbringing in someway or another but its interesting where we all ended up. Sam probably had the most stable upbringing. Her parents weren't together but her mom was always there supporting her. She prolly has done the worst so far. Dropped out of hs, two baby daddies, porn, drugs, alcohol, and still lives with her mom. Danielle is the second worse. She did graduate, had kids way too early with the worst guy imaginable, no college, shitty jobs, and still lives at home with her crazy abusive mother. I will say she got the relaxed tired version of mom. Me and Katie had the same first decade basically. A mix of abuse, neglect, and instability. We were forced to see things we should never have seen, felt things we should never have felt and were put in very inappropriate situations. The difference is at 12 yo I went and lived with my dad. That's when me and sam's lives collided and became similar and me and katies changed. Katie stayed with mom. She got the super abuse mother and the relaxed tired mother. Shes still messed up but better than the other two. She at least has her own place and a job. She doesn't hold it together the best. I disagree with so many things that she does. But she never had a mother to show her how to be one. I had Sandy. She saved me and helped me become so independent. I don't know why her daughter isn't that way. Maybe being with mom as a kid made me emotionally strong and Sandy made me independent. Sam is an emotional wreckage. I really don't know what happened. But I compare myself to them. I have a career, kids in school and daycare, that go to the dr regularly, who eat balanced diets, I have my shit together, I pay my own bills, I live on my own, I owned a house. Besides kids, no one else has done what I have done. Why? Why is that? I just have a drive about me, a resiliency that keeps me going forward. I'm always striving for more and I feel like that just are comfortable with what they have. Sam is showing progress maybe. She moved away and had a good job. She did just quit that a move back to Durand. Not sure why. Kinda makes me mad how they said Kentucky was so amazing. Even tried to get me to move there and now theyre back. The other thing that is bothering me is I want to tell my dad that sandy is back up I just feel like he'll get his hopes up. But I think he'll be mad at me for not telling him. idk how to deal with that situation yet. I think I feel better now. I had a lot to get off my chest.