#instead having to deal with the pain and heartbreaking realisation that this was goodbye

[tenracoonsinacrisis]

I finished the his dark materials TV series today, and despite having read the books, the end still broke me. I was watching with my dad, and we were crying so much.

[suna-reversed]

HQ boys as Taylor Swift songs-folklore

characters- Oikawa (exile), Atsumu (my tears ricochet), Meian (illicit affairs)

tags/warnings- ANGST, breakup, heartbreak, cheating, mentions of alcohol, manipulative behaviour, fluff in Meian’s if you squint

suggestions for pt2 would be appreciated (currently thinking of cardigan with Bokuto and hoax with Tsukishima)

Oikawa

“I can see you standin', honey

With his arms around your body

Laughin' but the joke's not funny at all”

He had told himself over and over again to not look; in the flight, in the ride to the hotel, even as he passed the entrance gates of the exquisite banquet hall where the reunion was being held. All he had to do was keep his eyes away. 

But you were here, and he had never been good at withstanding the cosmic pull you always held. Even if you were in the arms of another, laughing like you always used to, with him. 

I think I've seen this film before

And I didn't like the ending

“What changed, Tooru?” Your eyes were red and puffy, you had exhausted all your tears while he simply stood in the corner and watched. 

“This isn’t going to work out y/n. We’re both miles away, with different lives, in different time zones, around different people; we can’t have a relationship built on nothi-” He sighed, pinching the bridge of his nose,  “...I’m saving both of us from the pain that would come with splitting a few years down the line.” 

“Do you still love me?”

Oikawa was familiar with the grief that came with loss; the grief of giving something every single bit of your soul, only to come out empty-handed and wounded. 

“Go back home, y/n.”

You're not my homeland anymore

So what am I defendin' now?

You were my town

Now I'm in exile seein' you out

Perhaps he had damned himself to ruination. Given up without a fight. But that didn’t matter now. 

You look ethereal, with stars in your eyes and glee in your smile. It doesn’t matter if he’s not the one behind it. You would have been a shell of who you are right now if you had stayed with him anyways. 

He turns around, heading for exit.

Just one last time. He promises himself. His lips curve upwards into a bittersweet smile as he turns around to get his last look. Instead, he finds himself staring into the expanse of an entire galaxy. A cosmic explosion coming his way as the floor shifts from beneath him. 

No, you definitely don’t sound the same.

How long has it been since he heard that voice?

“Not even gonna say goodbye before you leave Oikawa?”

What happened to your precious “Tooru”?

Atsumu

Even on my worst day, did I deserve, babe

All the hell you gave me?

The clock reads 01:27 am. You’ve been sitting on the couch for the past 3 hours, the untouched dinner on the table gone cold long ago. You hear the sound of a door slamming shut, hushed footsteps making their way towards the center of the apartment, coming to a halt at the sight of you.

“Why are you still awake?” 

“You promised we’d have dinner together tonight.”

“Listen, it got late at practice, you could’ve just eaten without me.”

“You could’ve at least dropped a text.” You murmur, trying to keep your voice from breaking. This wasn’t the first time he had stood you up.

“It’s not that big of a deal y/n. You realise how important the upcoming match is to me, don’t you?” He sighs, shaking his head in disappointment, “Let’s just go to bed okay, I’m tired.” 

“Okay.” You mutter, loosening your grip on the 2 year anniversary gift hidden below the couch cushion. A platinum ring with yours and Atsumu’s initials carved on the inside.  

You wear the same jewels that I gave you

As you bury me

Atsumu’s vision is blurry, shirt drenched in sweat, his head pounding as he’s pushed against the wall. He doesn’t know whether it’s from the screaming match he just had with you, or from the two bottles he chugged at a shady bar right after he walked out. 

All that matters right now is the feeling of the hands of the girl that’s kissing his jaw. The same spot where you had pressed a chaste kiss not too long ago as you told him that you were going to leave- 

No, he’s not going to think about it. All that matters is the touch of skin against skin, filling in the void you caused as he kneads the supple flesh of her thigh with his hand. The same hand that bore a platinum ring, the letters engraved inside of it now fatuous and futile. 

You had to kill me, but it killed you just the same

Cursing my name, wishing I stayed

You turned into your worst fears

No, no, no. 

Why are you here?

Why are you back?

“I had hoped we could talk-” You take a deep breath, feet stuck in place as you lay your eyes upon the marks littering his jaw, his neck, going much farther down-

A sob comes out from deep inside your chest. 

No, no, no. 

He’s looking at you, your crestfallen face, tears falling off of it like british showers. 

He’s acting before he can think, falling to his knees, grabbing onto your waist as you try to walk out. 

“No! Angel, please just let me explain. I thought you were never coming back- I would've never-”

“Never what Atsumu?!” Your voice is louder than you expected it to be. 

“Never what? A single fight is all it takes for you to discard everything we ever had? For you to step over everything I put into a relationship that has barely even existed for so long!” 

He’s never heard you shout before. But it's okay, it’s okay if you shout at him, if you break a few things, hell you can wreck his whole apartment if it means that you’re staying for even just a moment longer. 

But you’re not. You’re pushing him away, movements stern, as you try to make your way to the door. All he can do is cling onto you, crying your name over and over again as he racks his brain for a way to make you stay. 

Why was it always you who knew what to say when it came to fixing things?

Meian 

Make sure nobody sees you leave

Hood over your head

Keep your eyes down

Tell your friends you're out for a run

You'll be flushed when you return

You knew there were aspects of his life he had no control over. After all, he was watched by thousands of eyes everyday; the star player, the golden boy; the captain of MSBY. So how does it matter if you had to go a mile extra to hide what you had?

You loved who he was as a person and how he made you feel. Good-morning and goodnight texts, warm cuddles after matches, dancing in the kitchen to songs you don’t know the name of, late night drives to get takeout or go stargazing, laughing till you were on the floor crying. You loved him so much.

And that's the thing about illicit affairs

And clandestine meetings

And stolen stares

They show their truth one single time

But they lie, and they lie, and they lie

A billion little times

“Volleyball player Meian Shugo spotted with a blonde beauty at the MSBY vs Adlers afterparty. Could she be his rumoured girlfriend that we’ve been kept in the dark about all along? Read more for exclusive deta-”

You can’t shed a single tear staring at the cover of the magazine. Not because your heart hasn't just been ripped out of your chest, but because you’re in public, standing in line at the grocery store picking up snacks for you and...Meian. 

Why did you not see this coming? What hurt more was that you knew the girl. Meian had introduced you to her as a friend, and her as his social media manager. So this was clearly a misunderstanding right? It had to be. Despite telling yourself that over and over again, you still couldn’t get the picture of his arm wrapped around her waist and the smile etched onto his face out of your mind as you drove home, tears blurring your vision.

Don't call me kid

Don't call me baby

Look at this godforsaken mess that you made me

“Baby please listen to me-”

You’re sitting on the edge of the couch. You don’t know how long ago you stopped screaming, how long ago the anger dissipated and the rage turned into silent sobs, leaving behind a gaping hollow feeling in your chest. 

You feel him shift closer to you but you don’t at him, still sniffing, your head buried in your arms. 

“She was at the party because she’s our manager, you know Jessi-”

“Don’t say her name.” you hiss out. 

“I wish I never met you, I wish I never got into this stupid arrangement. I wish-” You’re rambling now, sobs escaping between every few words as you try to comprehend the situation, “I hate this. I hate you.” 

Heavy silence hangs in the room. 

And you know damn well

For you I would ruin myself

A million little times

You find arms being wrapped around you and your head being pulled into a warm chest. You try to fight at first, but you’re tired; your throat hurts, your eyes burn and everything feels so cold, so you let yourself guiltily fall into his comfort, pathetically sobbing into his neck.

He patiently waits for your sobs to quiet down, one hand rubbing gentle circles onto your back while the other cradles the back of your head.

“She was at the party with the whole team and the publicist used it as a way to create gossip. That’s all there is to it. I had not given my consent for them to go ahead with this, but they refused to make our relationship public. Apparently, they didn’t think that the age gap between us would reflect well on my reputation.” 

Meian’s heart breaks at the sound that leaves you as he says that, your hand gripping onto the fabric of his shirt as you start sniffing once more. 

“I don’t care about what they say princess, you know that.” He kisses the top of your head, pulling you even closer to himself as if he could absorb the pain from you. 

“I’m so sorry, give me another chance please. I didn’t tell you because I knew it’d hurt you. I promise I’ll make it up to you, please?” 

You look up at him. His eyes are filled with tender love and pure adoration, it makes your heart melt. You nod, burying your face into the crook of his neck. Of course you would, he's your precious Meian, you’d always forgive him. Why did you ever think he’d do anything to hurt you?

Meian smiles into your hair, ignoring the sound of the notification popping up on the phone kept on the table, 

Jessica: hey, we're still on for tonight right ? ;)

[ignitification]

Cold Flame

Cold Flame

A brief explanation of how Rei and Shouto's evolution have to do with the return of Touya Todoroki.

tw: mentions of violence, mentions of suicide, mental illness

1.) I think these two panels tell a whole story of its own.Touya mentions how “The only thing he taught me was how to turn up the heat” referring to Endeavour. This sentence blatantly refers to the accident where Touya’s flames could not be stopped, because his strive to show his father that he is indeed someone to be proud of, has been ignited and then never shut down. Endeavour took Touya, lighted up the flames in Touya (both metaphorically, in his drive and strive to be a hero, and be his father’s hero - and literally, to bring out his fire quirk out while training), and then tossed Touya aside. Rei, on the other hand was not capable to stop him: whether this references to his training regimen, or to him chasing Endeavour, or even his dream is highly unclear - but the sole fact that Touya blames them both (because he feels like he has been bred for this goal, and Rei agreed to it, and then had not enough power to actually put an end to this nightmare) and he is partly right, because this has hurt more people than it was supposed to and that it was necessary. Rei does not know how to stop his kid from getting hurt, which is getting her hurt in return. In this panel, she looks frightened, offended, desperate to grab at Touya (who is silently and slowly slipping further away from her and her grasp) but she cannot. Now, I am not going to go further in this, because Rei not saving Touya is a partially incorrect statement, as yes, she could have done something if herself was not in a very bad place in the first place and if actually everything that happened between Endeavour and Touya did not hinder not only the relationship between Touya and Enji, but as well the one between Rei and Touya (as he see him rejecting her, because Touya knows why he had been born and probably has been influenced into thinking that his mother is weak, as she cannot fend for herself and just blindly accepted whatever Endeavour put in front of her, and not because she did not know any better, but because she did not know how).

2.) The jealousy an older sibling feels towards the newborn is completely normal, because the span of attention given to older siblings usually decreases. But here we are talking about two kids, breaded and raised to be vessels of their’s father dreams. This is an extreme scenario, where the competition between sibling is not about skills or quirk, but instead Touya sees it as a way to regain the lost affections/attention, which since Shouto has been born have never been sent towards him. And the fact that the birth of Shouto triggers in Touya’s the abysmal feeling of being a mistake, tells us that the parents did nothing to let him feel better, or to understand that it was not that way (even if arguably, Endeavour had other kids just because he wanted a perfect kid, which means that at the end of the day, he did consider Touya a mistake). And the fact that Touya was been willing to go this far, as far as to injure himself, as to emotionally condition himself into turning his flames from red to blue, is not only a sign of the mental pressure he put on himself and his emotions (always fuelled by that grating feeling of feeling less, worse, not right), but as well of the constant disappointment he felt when his father paid attention to him while scolding him, being angry at him, scowling and not making any effort. This angry, dark face is what shapes Dabi’s memories of Endeavour - an expression he wants to wipe out of his mind because it reminds him of not being the victim of shitty parenting, but of being considered a failure, worthy to burn to death,  alone.

And these two. 

2.5.) The ‘If only..’ hurts. Because this means not only that there was a chance that Touya did think about it, but he considered it then and there - because it was too much. Because even now, it is too much for him. Rethinking about all this moments is crucial for both Endeavour (who’s memory is definitely triggered into remembering gruelling details of his behaviour towards his children of when he was younger) and Dabi, who instead wonders whether the path he took, the decision he made all those years ago and that brought him there, was actually worth it. Because when Touya died, and Dabi was born on that hill when he was 13, he made the decision to take revenge and actually prove to his father that he is not a failure. He instead, is such a big mistake that Endeavour cannot cancel him anymore. Touya wanted desperately to be noticed for being right. Dabi wants desperately to be noticed because he is wrong, and a big mistake (which is also the result of Endeavour being his father and whatnot).

2.6.) And this. It’s the realisation that Endeavour is sowing the grief and pain of his oldest son, but it is also a realisation for Dabi: he took a decision, which he is sowing now (along with all the murders and the pain he himself inflicted). Memories which are more painful, and the fact that Dabi’s only comments on the accident is actually that it was scorching hot and that he couldn’t stop is very alarming and sad. He says nothing about how he felt. He just admits to the consequences of that gesture. He is not thinking of how much pain it was, or how sad he was, or anything else but just that this event was what made him into the person he is now, and there is no going back. He maybe thinks that things might have come out better if he actually had died that day. But he never talks of what is happening inside himself, because Dabi cannot allow himself such a weakness. And so, he feels nothing.

2.7.) These two panels (below) give me chills.They are so similar in the feeling they give up: desperation, realisation, hope, terrifying anger and sadness, elatedness in knowing that there is something to hang off, that maybe now the right moment has come. And it’s a sort of revival, a feeling brewing for so long and finally exploding in the hate, and the will to drag his father down in the mud with him.

3.) Rei's involvement, in Touya’s upbringing is a problematic topic for two reasons: she feels guilty about it, and her mental state which has been deteriorated by her family and her husband, does not allow her to even look for an excuse, as Endeavour did. Instead, Rei has been driven to a point where she just wants to let go. 

I think that here, Rei, plays a very big role: she is stuck between a husband she cannot take on by herself, and a child who wants nothing to do with her because of her actions (which are inherently caused by Endeavour). And her mental health further deteriorates. Rei looks distraught. I would say even fatigued, and weighted down by everything that is happening, and how she cannot and does not want to deal with it. 

In the hospital room, in Chapter 300, when she comes back and tells Endeavour that he is not the only to have suffered, she is not only referring to Touya, but to herself as well. I think it is important to note how the change happened. For both Shouto and Rei, Touya is a central button: after the accident, things escalated so much for Rei that she ended up in the hospital, Endeavour instead got the full time he wanted with Shouto (reversing his negative feelings, guilt, remorse and strive for his broken dream) into training. 

And the fact that in this moment, she chooses to let Touya go (metaphorically) is not only heartbreaking, but also reflects the anger in Endeavour’’s eyes who’s thinking line has to go along the lines of: ffs, I have to do everything around here (which I do not want to sound rude, comes off as misogynist, but as well disrespectful and just right arrogant). However, the fact that Rei here is weak, does not define her character and instead Touya coming back is exactly what she needs to step on her feet again, and transform this

into ‘I’m here now’ and I’m going to solve this situation. Because Rei is tired of the situation, of Endeavour and wallowing in Endeavour’s shadow. It is time for her to actually intervene like she should have done years ago, and save her kid (or at least, give Touya a forgiveness sort of goodbye, and maybe tell him that notwithstanding their mistakes, and the fact that he was born because of a Quirk Marriage, Touya was still loved).

4.) But then, Shouto's has always been aware of how bad the situation in his own home is. Him protecting his mom is greatly telling in this sense: Shouto, despite being as traumatised by his father’s behaviour as Natsuo and Fuyumi (who are older than him, and are also crying in this panel - because Endeavour is a very tall, and build man and he is the Head of the family, which is also probably why they know what is going on, and no matter how many times this happened, if one or twenty but there is no excuse for Endeavour scaring his children so much they feel the need to retract in themselves (as shown by Fuyumi’s position on the floor, and Natsuo trying to be shielded by his bigger sister) and to cry as silently as possible with the hope that the angry person does not notice them. Shouto, on the other hand, while also crying actually stands up to his father (as he continued doing til today) and despite the shouts, angry stare and all the burden that comes with parent’s argument, he still tries to protect his mother, because he knows that the dominance of Endeavour’ character is too much for Rei to take. Because Rei is tired. Look at her face. Look at her eyes and her general exhaustion. The panel of point 3 stands to identify that she cannot take anymore. And instead, Shouto plays the bigger person. Notwithstanding all the obstacles he has overcome (the hellish training manu, his father’s expectations, the burden left by Touya’s disappearance, his father’s ego and anger, his mum burning him, Rei’s hospitalisation, the scattered relationship with his siblings, his empty childhood), Shouto stands tall and proud, knowing what he has to do. 

I think that Shouto’s being the Hero of his own family, is a very important ‘part’ of not only the story, but as well for Shouto, who is evolving in character and setting the foundations for an individual whose past prejudices his future, and he has to resolve the plethora of things that he carries involuntarily with him, before possibly saying that he has achieved something, and that he became a Hero. I like how Horikoshi pointed slightly out that this whole drama, even if the protagonists are Touya and Endeavour, is not only the shaping path of Shouto, but as well his stepping stone for being a real hero (through the pits of fire which once again he has to do, in order to let go of the past, and instead his future, depicted in fire and ice).

[classified-bluerose]

Hey, Guys - It's Called Wandavision For A Reason

It’s not Wanda-Pietro-Mephisto-DoctorStrange-Vision…

CAUTION: SPOILERS FOR THE LATEST EPISODE OF WANDAVISION (1X09) FOLLOW.

Earlier today, the series finale of Wandavision (titled, rather aptly, The Series Finale) aired on Disney+. The show has garnered a devoted following of fans since its release on January 15th, 2021, all of whom have spent the past eight weeks theorising and speculating potential outcomes for the characters. The show certainly reached a high level of hype, particularly with episode five’s introduction of Evan Peters as Wanda’s brother, Pietro Maximoff.

Considering that Evan Peters previously played the X-Men version of the speedster mutant, an American version named Peter, his entrance sparked excitement amongst viewers. Many believed his introduction was a confirmation for all the multiverse theories spinning around currently. Particularly with Olsen confirmed for the Doctor Strange sequel, Multiverse of Madness, and the speculation of Spider-Man’s third MCU outing including two previous iterations of the web-slinging hero, it seemed that Peters would serve as a doorway into confirming the existence of the multiverse.

Those of you who have watched finale will know that this new version of Pietro isn’t Pietro at all, nor is he Peter, but just another unfortunate Westview citizen, victimised by Agatha/Agnes in her attempt to discover the truth behind Wanda’s powers. His real name? Ralph - yes, that Ralph. The previously mentioned but never seen husband of Agnes. His full name?

Ralph Bohner.

Little bit on the nose, true, but this is Marvel we’re talking about.

However.

The show is titled Wandavision. From the very beginning, the story has been focused on Wanda’s refusal to acknowledge her truth. How she has run from her grief and trauma, choosing instead to hide away in a fantasy world where everything is safe, controlled, and familiar. Whilst theorising about how this show will tie-in to the wider universe and potentially lead onto the upcoming projects (Spiderman: No Way Home, Doctor Strange In The Multiverse of Madness) has been fun, it is clear to see that many viewers have lost sight of what the show is actually about.

While we’re seeing what is, for all intents and purposes, a rebooted origins story for Wanda as the Scarlet Witch, the story itself is grounded in themes of trauma, grief, and facing up to reality. We are introduced to a grown-up Monica Rambeau, snapped back into existence after 2019’s Avengers: Endgame, who is forced to adjust to a reality where she disappeared for five whole years, and lost her mother, without ever getting a chance to say goodbye. Her understanding of Wanda’s pain forges a bond between the pair, despite their rocky beginnings.

Wanda, too, was snapped out of existence by Thanos, just moments after watching the love of her life brutally murdered - and this is after she was forced to kill him herself. Not only does she face losing her soulmate all over again in the Wandavision finale, she also comes head-on with the prospect of losing her children. Wanda is a character who is deeply tragic, orphaned during a war, dealing with the loss of her twin, her boyfriend, herself. We must also remember that due to the events of Endgame she has also lost friends, Steve Rogers and Natasha Romanoff.

Wanda comes full circle by the end of the final episode. She bids farewell to her children, her husband, and the life she has to come to know in Westview. She allows the Hex to come apart, freeing the residents from her control - and, in essence, lets go of the very things that kept her trapped in her own reality. Renewed by the realisation of her full potential, and ready to begin her healing process, she departs, and we say goodbye to Wanda Maximoff. The second post-credits scene shows us that she is off the grid, in isolation, astral-projecting whilst studying the Darkhold spellbook.

I know some are disappointed that Doctor Strange did not make an appearance, that Agatha was the big bad, not Mephisto or Nightmare. But the show made a good choice in allowing it to stay true to its original intentions - exploring the effects of loss, and how, sometimes, holding on can cause more pain than letting go. The introduction of yet another all-powerful being was not required to fill in any part of the story. To have fake-Pietro turn out to be real-Pietro would contradict all of Wanda’s closure, her choice to let go of the past, and look to the future. Sure, the ending is tragic, and heartbreaking - but it’s hopeful, too. We know this is not the last we will see of the so-called harbinger of chaos. Wanda Maximoff’s story may be at a close, but the story of the Scarlet Witch is only beginning.

[hollygoeslightly]

Hello! I wanted to know what you think was the purpose of the last scene? a proper good bye? I found it a bit cruel for a second to give Charlotte hope and then disappoint her again

Hey!

Thank you for the question and I’m so sorry it’s taken me so long to get around to answering.

So, I’ve talked a bit about the content of Sidney and Charlotte’s final goodbye scene in 1x08 here:

“By the time that Sidney stops Charlotte’s carriage on the clifftops as she leaves Sanditon, Charlotte’s character development has reached its ultimate end for the season. Transformed from an outspoken, determined young woman who wore her heart on her sleeve and believed marriage without love was, “a form of slavery”, Charlotte has now traded places with Sidney, carefully guarding her bruised and battered heart and becoming emotionally withdrawn from those around her. When Sidney approaches the carriage to speak to Charlotte, you can see the hope bloom across her face. For the briefest of moments, Charlotte allows herself to believe that Sidney has come to declare his love and prevent her from leaving Sanditon. Therefore it is incredibly heartbreaking to watch as Charlotte realises this isn’t the case and she schools her face one again into a mask of controlled politeness. In truth, Charlotte is barely keeping herself together – like Elinor she is a moment away from breaking apart. Because despite her heartache, Charlotte is still desperately in love with the man who caused it. What’s more, she understands why Sidney made the decision he did – an impossible decision in impossible circumstances. It would almost be easier for Charlotte to hate him. Even now as he seeks absolution while planning to marry another woman, she can’t help but want him to be happy.

Sidney – “Tell me you don’t think too badly of me.”

Charlotte – “I don’t think badly of you.”

Sidney – “I don’t love her, you know.”

Charlotte – “You must not speak like that. She loves you and you have agreed to marry her. You must try and make her happy.”

When Sidney tells Charlotte that he is not in love with Eliza, what he is really saying is that he is in love with her. But for this new Charlotte, it is all too painful to hear and she stops him before he declares his love. As Elinor so neatly declared in Sense and Sensibility, “to wish is to hope, and to hope is to expect,” and Charlotte cannot afford to wish that Sidney was still hers. It’s fitting then, that when Charlotte once again begins her journey home to Willingden, that she does not look back. A woman of sense has no place for such sensibility after all.”

However, I also want to have a quick look at the narrative purpose of the scene within the episode and in the series as a whole. As I’ve discussed before here, Davies wrote Sanditon with a second season in mind, and when you take that into account, it’s very easy to see that we are at the midpoint of the story. Our two lovers have been torn apart by circumstance and must overcome the odds to find their way back to each other. Which is all well and good, except ITV sold Sanditon as a standalone mini-series – the audience was expecting the story to wrap up in eight episodes and instead we were left with a cliffhanger and Davies dangling the carrot of a possible S2. Not exactly dealing with the audience in good faith. Therefore, the purpose of their final goodbye within the episode was not only to provide Charlotte with thwarted hope, but to also trick the audience into believing a happy ending was coming. Davies followed the same formula employed by every romantic comedy out there – the protagonists meet, fall in love, are torn apart before reuniting with a grand, romantic declaration of love. Only this time, the grand declaration of love was a fake out. Yes, Sidney and Charlotte are madly in love with each other, but they have never been further apart and they certainly didn’t get their happy ending – not this season anyway. It’s a really cheap trick, that on one hand I find incredibly frustrating, because if you trust in your writing you don’t need to resort to these kind of games. On the other hand, Theo James and Rose Williams acted the hell out of the scene and it was incredibly entertaining to watch. And the angst! My goodness, the angst!

The purpose of the goodbye scene in the series as whole, is that it was a way for the show to neatly bookend Charlotte’s coming of age story. In 1x01, Charlotte leaves Willingden for Sanditon with a world of possibilities open to her. By 1x08, Charlotte leaves Sanditon for Willingden having had her dreams of a future with Sidney well and truly dashed. As you mentioned, it’s also a call back to Charlotte asking Sidney to allow Georgiana and Otis a proper parting in 1x04. Both couples are allowed a proper goodbye, believing they will never be together again, which of course they will, but we’ll have to wait for Sanditon to air in the US before we find out whether we get to watch it all unfold or not.

Sorry for the rambling – I hope there was an answer somewhere in there!

[aroworlds]

arrowhead by @mral3x1s

a heroes of olympus fanfic starring two aroace characters: an autistic daughter of athena and a son of hermes! she decides to join the hunters of artemis and he’s very sad about it, but not for the reasons you might think.

“i’ve made up my mind. i’m going to join her. i’m going to become one of them.”

it’s been a weekend since luna uttered those words, and a weekend since she saw the devastating expression on alex’s face, weakly masked by words of encouragement and understanding. she was never good with anticipating human emotions and reactions, but this one stunned her more than anything else in her life, so much so that she went into a non-verbal shock, only answering amber’s worried questions in between packing up belongings.

“well, i guess i can understand him. i’m a bit sad about this, too. but it’s not like he’s never gonna see you again,” amber said, adjusting her aim with her bow.

“artemis never mentioned any policy about visiting, i assume it’s fine.”

“then why is he making such a big deal out of this? i hate seeing you guys not talking like this. i miss hearing debates about video game characters or cards at lunch.” she smiled at luna, hoping to instill some sort of positivity in her, but the moon could only reflect so much of the sun’s light. she could swear her skin got paler and her hair darker in the last 2 days.

luna brushed her fingers over the collection of arrows laid out in the armory. “we used to play video games, too. he stopped going online,” she said.

amber fired, but the shock of realisation made her miss her target. well, miss by apollo’s standards anyway. “that’s… that sounds like heartbreak.”

luna stopped, hovering over a grey arrow with green and black feathers. she didn’t respond, instead simply stroking the smooth ivory head. she dreaded the words that would come next.

“you don’t think… he could have feelings for you?”

she grasped the arrowhead. it dug into her skin more than she had expected. it wasn’t for training, which was surprising considering how expensive it looked. how could one risk losing it on the battlefield?

“alex doesn’t… get feelings like that. he never did,” luna said.

“makes it even harder to say it. cause… you know…” she lowered her gaze and bow.

“no,” luna said. “i don’t know.”

“well that’s… that’s the problem, isn’t? what if he knows now, and you still… don’t?” amber said.

“that’s the problem…” luna repeated the words and looked down at the arrow. the colours. of course. it couldn’t have been a coincidence, one of the gods must’ve been playing some elaborate prank. she was willing to place her bets on aphrodite, getting revenge for her twins. and for luna’s existence altogether.

“oh… no, that’s not what i–” amber tried to reply.

“yes it is. don’t lie,” luna responded.

“i–no, wait–luna!”

but she was already out the door. behind her she could hear the spring of an arrow striking its target. she could swear the target was her chest.

it’s not that the idea didn’t occur to her. after consuming a good amount of popular media, she could easily identify the classic patterns it presents, exaggerated as they may be. there is, apparently, some seed of truth in them - some people really do feel things like that, and that makes them act in certain ways luna could never imagine herself in. though, unlike last time, this time it wasn’t as obvious, which let her ignore it. but only up until now. the 12 main houses came into view, and she immediately spotted the spiky blonde mane, surrounded by a similar colour. but before she could reach, they locked eyes. she saw a flash of pain, which she reflected like a mirror. could it really be true? she took another step forward, but he had already turned away and began talking to one of his brothers, and the orange-yellow mass began moving towards the dining area. he wasn’t making this easy for either of them.

upon arriving at the dining area, and after watching her sacrifice go up in flames, she soon started to feel her heart join it when she saw that her table only had one blonde head instead of two. without much control, she looked up to look for him, and found him exactly where expected - sat right between the two rob brothers. on any other day, this wouldn’t have bothered her us much, but today… today was the last day. she’s running out of time, and he’s running from her.

“luna, i’m sorry, i really didn’t mean–”

“it’s okay,” she said and sat down. “i’m used to it.”

amber let out a groan. “gods, why do you two like bottling everything up so much?”

“the shelf above my bed is quite barren, and i need to put them somewhere,” luna said after a couple seconds of pondering.

amber snickered. “well, at least your sense of humor’s not gone yet.”

luna put down her fork. “i will be soon, though. and i have to talk to him before that, but he keeps escaping me.”

“well,” amber grinned. luna raised an eyebrow. “you’re a hunter, right? can’t you catch a beast?” she said.

she glanced over. “alex was always the one in charge of traps… i don’t know how well can i set one up. besides, where could i put it that won’t risk it catching some other hermes child, or–”

“dude. i just meant we can sneak up on him after lunch.”

“…oh.”

another laugh. that made her feel a bit warmer. or was that the soup settling in her stomach?

“come on,” amber urged her. “finish up your food and get into position.”

luna drank the rest of her vegetable soup while amber scarfed down her salad, and when they were sure alex’s head was turned away, they got into position behind 2 pillars.

“alright, here’s the plan. i grab alex and tell his siblings that i need to talk to him for a second, and then you get out from behind there and tackle him. okay?” amber whispered.

luna nodded. “i’ll use the advantage of surprise you’ll provide me and try to get him off balance, though he could very easily maneuver his way out of it if i don’t watch his arms and legs–”

amber put a hand on her shoulder. “i’ll leave that up to you.”

luna coughed. “right.”

everyone started getting up. luna stood in position, listening for amber’s voice in the sea of noises. she heard it at last, and started preparing to attack, but was stopped in her tracks by what she was saying.

“hey–uh… where’s alex?” she asked.

“oh. he said he went to the training area.”

“training area…? why?”

“i don’t know. maybe he wanted some alone time.”

she turned to luna now. “well, he’s not getting any. go! come on!”

luna didn’t need to be told twice. going round the hellenic structure, she started sprinting down the hill towards another such building with similar pillars and cracked slabs, only this time attached to an armory instead of a kitchen. she snuck inside, alex’s silhouette visible through the opened door, as well as that of a dummy. the sounds of repeating slashing hurt her, though she wasn’t sure in what part of the body. she went up to the arrow stand and picked up her stim toy from before, and with an exhale, threw it at the dummy’s head. alex wasn’t slow, but he wasn’t as fast as usual, as he did manage to slice the arrow in half, but not stop it from hitting the dummy. the coloured stem fell to the ground, and when he looked up from it, he saw a pair of glowing grey eyes before feeling a pair of hands attempt to grasp his. he quickly pulled backwards and ducked, dropping the knife, but extending his leg over hers in an attempt to trip her. luna jumped over the obstacle, all too familiar with it, and reached down to try and pin him by the arms again. she found that attempting to restrict an enemy without damaging them is surprisingly difficult. alex kept wriggling out from under her and keeping her off balance, though he couldn’t quite manage to get away, but he was getting tired. eventually he simply sat down on the ground, panting. luna joined him. if he really wanted to escape, he would, but it wasn’t her he was running away from. it was the situation.

“that… was some good… training,” he said between deep breaths. “you nearly got me.”

“yes,” she said. “you were quite out of it.”

“i think you were just really into it this time.”

“you know i don’t like combat,” she straightened her back and started to get up.

“then why be a hunter?” he stood up too. even though the fight was over, he could still attack. but judging by the pained expression, that wasn’t his intention.

“because i belong there, alex.” saying the name already felt like swallowing a rock. “artemis has been more of a mother to me than athena ever was, and much more of a parent than my father. if i ever want to return to some form of a normal life, i’m going to need protection. from him, and from his monsters. i can’t do this alone.” tears started welling up.

“than what am i…?” he looked on with lowered eyes. clearly he heard her plea. but in what form?

she couldn’t bear being left in the dark any longer.

asking the question would mean acknowledging something she wished could just disappear. but not asking it might mean one of the closest people in the world to her might vanish.

she took a sharp breath.

“alex.”

he looked up again. “yeah?”

“are you so upset about me becoming a hunter… because you… you… like me?”

his eyes widened. “what? no! why would you–”

she let out her breath with a sigh of relief. “thank the gods.”

“luna, i told you, i’m not like that. that’s not why i was so upset either,” he said.

“then… why?”

“because i want you to be here everyday. i want to train with you, play with you, talk with you. i want to go on adventures together and see the world and fight monsters, and i hate knowing that i’ll grow old and won’t be able to do that anymore, but you’ll have lots of friends to keep having fun with.” he started crying. the tears glistened in the moonlight. luna couldn’t help but stare. “i know it’s childish. i know it’s stupid. but you’re my best friend.” he meekly held her hand, his fair skin still starkly dark against hers. “i can’t just… say goodbye.”

“so you tried to avoid saying it for 2 days straight.” she smiled faintly. he was only a year younger than her, but he really was still just a child.

“i’m… i’m sorry!” he was sobbing now. “i didn’t know what to do… it just hurt so much… i didn’t mean to hurt you too,” he held up his other hand to try and wipe his eyes. “i’m such an idiot!”

“no you’re not. you’re alex,” luna said softly. he laughed and pulled her in for a hug, making her tear up as well. she hugged him back, playing with his ever messy hair - an all time favorite stim toy. she’ll miss him.

“wait,” he said, eyes shining, but not from tears.

“i am. though i don’t have much time. i have to go soon,” luna said.

he chuckled. “i know, i know. but…” he put a finger under his chin. “do you know if boys can join the hunters of artemis, too?”

luna’s eyes widened. she didn’t notice that she’d started smiling, if very faintly. “i… i never asked, but i suppose it doesn’t directly violate any rules. and there have been cases like that in the past.” she looked him in the eyes. “but you’ll have to swear off romantic relationships - with anyone - forever. are you sure you’re okay with that?”

he huffed and grinned. “are you kidding? if anything, it’s a bonus.”

“are you sure?” she said.

“uh, i get to be immortal and hang out with a bunch of friends in the forest, and i get to opt out of romance forever? hell yeah,” he said. his excitement was such a relief luna had to resist an urge for another hug.

“but… all of your friends will grow old without you,” her expression fell again. “weren’t you afraid of that?”

he shook his head. “i was scared of growing old myself. i wish more of my friends could join, that’s true, but the price seems too much for them.” he shrugged. “i guess their happiness is different than my happiness.”

“that much is true,” luna said. “that’s why i decided to join in the first place. so i could still find happiness in a society that keeps insisting my idea of it is wrong. in a sense, i’m not too different from you.”

alex raised an eyebrow.

“i know.”

“not just in that sense. i, too, was afraid of growing old. i was afraid i’d see all my friends find partners and forget about me. i was afraid of being alone,” she said. admitting it hurt. she could only imagine how much it hurt him.

“but we don’t have to be! right?” he smiled. the pain melted away.

“right. speaking if which, we have to go soon. you have to get ready, and we have to update amber on the matter.” and it was back. “i do hate leaving her behind.”

alex took her hand again. “we’re not. we’ll come visit as much as we can. and she’s almost like our cousin, isn’t she? can’t she join us sometimes?”

“i’ll ask artemis about that,” she replied.

[im-a-goner--foryou]

Can we get some that good angst of tony not knowing Peter’s his soulmate until he’s dying in his arms oof

The two black words on Tony’s arms are discreet, yet heartbreaking. His soul mark, as others would say; like a tattoo over the veins of his inner elbow, usually hidden by the suits he wears. Two words that Tony always can’t help glancing at every single moment the day, the aching sadness in his chest over someone he didn’t even know. It’s stupid, isn’t it? Maybe. But Tony has a solution, and it is to not fall in love. Then there would be no bonding, and he’ll be left without a soulmate, but with the downfall comes the privilege of never having to go through the intense pain of losing one. And those two words, on his arm; it’s a painful loss, a painful goodbye. So Tony resolves himself to not bond with his soulmate– the thing is, he’s not even sure if he has one. He’s nearing fifty, and has never experienced the ‘spark’ others describe. That is, until he meets Peter Parker, and all of a sudden he feels as if it’s the beginning of a fairytale. The very sight of the boy, his starry eyes, his wondrous smile, lights something in Tony’s dark hollow chest. Peter, the brilliant protége of his; the kind sweetheart, always looking out for the team; and yes he’s absolutely beautiful, so young and pretty and Tony just can’t help falling more in love every single time their gazes meet. The only thing is, Peter doesn’t have a soulmark. Only ten percent of the population has one, so it’s not a big deal; but just for a second Tony thought that maybe, maybe he had found the one. Well, it isn’t. And anyways Peter is all those things but he’s also sixteen, barely legal. Tony’s nearing death and the kid hasn’t even really experienced life yet, and it’ll be fucked up if fate assigned them as soulmates. So Tony harbours these feelings, despite the immense swell of emotions in his chest whenever he’s around Peter; how the company of him instantly sets him at ease. How the inside of his arm stung so badly, when Peter had gotten hurt during the vulture incident, and Tony has inexplicably burst into tears. (Nerves, he dismisses it, and my damn fucking left arm. It’s never been the same.) And then there’s that time when they were working on Peter’s suit in the lab, and suddenly the boy had leant over and kissed him shyly at the side of his lips, then pulled back with a look of surprise, as if he himself hadn’t known why he did that. That led to a couple very awkward months, after Tony had gently explained to him that they can’t be together, because Peter’s well, illegal, and he doesn’t want to hurt him– that the kid is most likely just overcome with hero worship. Peter cried at first, protesting and pleading that he’s old enough and that “I love you, Mr. Stark, I really do”, and Tony ignored how after he had said that some empty hole in his heart seemed full, just for a second. As if the missing piece in his life clicked into place. He blocked out all contact with Peter instead, and the next time they met it was as if nothing happened. And now, now they’re in Titan and half the universe is dying, and they failed. Tony failed. He always does anyway, he registers numbly to himself, legs buckling with sudden weakness and pain. And he looks to Peter Parker, staring at him with bright teary eyes and a horrified face, and the ground under his feet dips. No. No. No. “I-I don’t feel so good,” Peter stutters, stumbling towards him, face shiny with tears now, and when Tony wraps his arms around his back it feels like he’s hugging an empty vacuum. It hurts so bad he can’t even speak, just stare wordlessly as the boy pleads that he doesn’t wanna die. Please, Mr. Stark. And then his soulmate meets his eyes, face open and god he’s so young, his love of his life is dying and he’s so, so young– and Peter utters the two doomed words “I’m sorry”, and Tony realise that maybe fate can’t be changed after all.

[thecauldroncake]

He Cried (A Bucky Barnes Oneshot)

Fandom: Marvel's The Avengers

Pairing/s: Dad!Bucky Barnes x F!Reader

Warning/s: Tiny angst, fluff, probably grammar and spelling errors here and there?

Word Count: 1,782

A/N: This just came through me and I realized it was Father's day as well so why not post one? Hope yall like it!

***

James Buchanan Barnes was born in the time when men were expected to be strong, physically and emotionally, given the stench of the looming death the war gave off. Tears were only acceptable at times of great dread, losing someone maybe the only one. The last time he thought he'll cry was when he bid goodbye to his loved ones as he was shipped to the war in Europe.

That changed after seeing the hopelessness in Steve Rogers' blue eyes, he was donning the Captain America suit at that exact moment, but all he saw were the eyes of that skinny guy in Brooklyn he always looked out for. After that, all was snow, cold air and the warmth of fresh hot tears escaping their confinements from his itching eyes. Death, indeed.

Then, HYDRA happened. How he wished he could've just died. How he wish the last tears he'd spent on was the pain of his death, but no. HYDRA made his life his living inferno. He's alive, at the mercy of rooms full of killers, making him one of them in the process.

Decades later came the unexpected. Bucky has turned into a new leaf after the so-called Civil War. His time in Wakanda healed the wounds, it indeed left scars, but it's better than having them all fresh in his-- and everybody's mind. The time and space pave the way to the Avengers' reunification; him, Steve and Tony most especially. That's when he met you.

Again, time worked its wonders. Now, he was sure the lone drop of tear he let on when you said the magical word 'Yes' while he kneels in front of you, with a ring box and a diamond ring he carefully picked almost half a year ago and was kept in great care all those times, would not be the last of this new kind of tears.

Tears that he never thought he would get and deserve. Tears of joy.

Your wedding day came, more of those came. Even the Avengers did so, it's not everyday they can be vulnerable, but for you guys, their tears were those of happiness, knowing you and Bucky deserve it. He wouldn't even want to talk about how much of those tears were shed when he first heard the wails coming from the then small, yet already lovely Rebecca Grace Barnes, or Becca, as you blurt out upon the first time you cooed her in your arms, your and Bucky's daughter.

Presently, you were roaming in your seat with your phone's video recorder on, gauging the Avengers', your family's reaction, to the thing before them; Becca, now four years old, in her first school performance. Soft giggles made its way pass your lips, before landing your lens to the person besides you. You focused your video camera on him for a few seconds, him still oblivious on what you were doing, before setting it into a stop and putting your phone back to your bag to enjoy the show, with your head resting on his shoulder while he reached for your forehead to rest a soft kiss there.

***

Although it wasn't a surprise Bucky turned to his best friend, Steve Rogers, to be Becca's godfather, Tony is sure as hell would give everything to be called Becca's stage uncle. After dinner, he set up the Audio-Visual room knowing you had captured the whole performance. He almost hired a professional videographer to film the whole thing and you have to bribe him with your famous cupcakes to stop him from doing so, that it was over-the-top for a seven minutes school performance. Everybody heaved a sigh of relief after he accepted the bribe and voice out their agreements with you.

The performance never failed to give smile on everybody's faces, as if they're seeing it the first time again. Once in a while, Becca would purposely look at your camera and wave, make a face, giggle and technically all she did was things that makes your hearts flutter, especially yours and Bucky's.

You two made this ethereal, fluffy human being. Lovely as she can be, it's pretty obvious how all of the Earth's Mightiest Heroes are wrap around her plump adorable fingers. You can't help the surge of pride running into your every nerves realising the job well done you made so far, alongside with everybody who helped you and Bucky raise Becca. The road to parenthood takes a lifetime to end, but it doesn't matter, you're happy, content and sure that with Bucky and the rest of the Avengers helping you, you can do it.

Then, the after performance's reactions came to view. Everyone chuckled at Sam's reaction when it was shown. Tony, being the overly dramatic uncle did nothing but to make a standing ovation; again, overly dramatic. Steve was clapping with his smile so bright you sure his cheeks was hurting. The other Avengers have various reaction to it, then came the father. Tony snorted upon seeing the ever stoic Bucky Barnes shed a tear.

"So, Tin Man knows how to cry? Thought you're all in the 'brooding' thing?" Sam, of course, would take all the chance to laugh in the expense of your husband, this is one of it.

"Shut it, Stark." he half-heartedly glared before laughter erupts from his chest filling the whole room and then prompted the other to do the same.

You were also in the midst of laughing before noticing the exiting figure of your daughter, her back on everybody while they're busy chiding. You slip yourself away from Bucky and stood up, earning everybody's attention, before pointing to your daughter. Walking closer, you noticed her shoulders slacked, your heart ached at the sight. Becca has always been a lively kid, whatever prompted her to leave without saying anything, even to you, worries you.

"Becca, baby?"

"'M sweepy, mum..." Sleepy? She asked herself. It's only six pm and Tony had promised her ice cream, Becca never says no to ice cream.

"Sweetheart, anything wrong?" You cooed, she shook her head lightly. You heard rustling behind you and felt that familiar body heat near you, Bucky.

"Hey, baby doll? It's dada--" You saw how Bucky tried to reach Becca's shoulder with his flesh hand, about to turn her, but it's like Becca knew it herself, she twirled around but landed her face on the crook of your shoulder, her tiny arms clinged onto your neck as if her life depends on it, before a heartbreaking sob made its way to your ears.

"Becca?" Your eyes opened wide upon the sudden outburst of your daughter and you tried to pry her away from you, wanting to take a look on her face, she wouldn't budge though and instead tighten her embrace on you. "Becca, baby are you hurt?" Panic is obvious in your voice, everybody is now crowding around you, just giving you enough space, you were massaging Becca's dark hair, a trait she shares with her father, when you felt Bucky shifts towards the side of your shoulders Becca leaned her face on.

"Baby doll you're making us nervous here. Dada is too old for this." You knew he tried his best to make light of the situation after hearing the panic crept onto you, but the strain in his voice betrayed him. "Baby doll, are you hurt? Did anybody hurt you, tell Dada, I'll--"

Then, as if her lips found her small voice from within, you would've all missed it if not for the quietness and panic surrounding the room.

"Dada."

"What's that, baby?" You now were able to pry her face away from your neck and take her appearance in. Her eyes bloodshot, nose now resembles a ripe apple, cheeks flushed, it reminded you of the time Bucky wakes from his nightmares. Again, your heart felt nothing but great deal of sadness, your Becca is so distraught.

"What's with Dada, baby?"

"Dada don't love me anymore." She whispered, looking down the floor.

Bucky and you looked at each other, bewildered by her confession. You pressed a small kiss on her forehead before locking your hands with your husband's, he took it as a sign to come nearer. Becca flinched upon feeling Bucky near her and clinged to your arms tightly.

"Baby--" Bucky heaved a sigh. He sure needs every air he could take. "who told you I don't love you? Remember, daddy fights bad guys so you will be safe?" He then took her from your lap and put Becca on his, wrapping her in his strong arms. "Because daddy loves you." Then he pressed a gentle kiss on Becca's forehead and cheeks.

"But--" Bucky looks at her gently, prompting her to continue. "you cried... There..." her right arm and index finger shooting towards the screen you were watching at from awhile ago.

You felt everybody sigh in relief. It was a huge misunderstanding indeed, but it was also one of the most innocent moments all of you have ever seen in your entire lives.

"You see, baby doll." You took note of how Bucky's metal hand went to fingercomb his hair, you know he's got this by now, you know he's relieved too, knowing that his daughter is actually alright. "Daddy cried because I'm proud of you." He gave Becca a huge smile.

"Proud? What's it?" Becca queried.

"Erm--" Maybe he didn't got it that much...

"is good thing, daddy?"

"Yes it is." There, the oh so bright and famous smile Becca is known for makes its way back to her lips. As if in-sync, everyone did the same.

"Do you want to know how much Dada loves you?" The mischeviousness coating your husband's voice is enough to make Becca squeal in delight as she runs away from him and sought help from her aunts and uncles, few minutes passed before Bucky caught her and blew raspberry kisses on her, making her giggle for quite some time.

"Okay! Who's up for the ice creams?!" Tony exclaimed from the dining room.

"Imma race you there, baby doll. Imma finish your Uncle Tony's ice cream!" Bucky tried annoying his daughter. This usually makes you wonder if you married a child beneath a man's body.

"No!" Becca did nothing but whine before they both sprint out of the Audio-Visual room. From there, you heard Becca squeals again; she won. Of course, Bucky let her win. If you're being honest though, Bucky can never win against Rebecca, you can only shake your head on the fondness of the idea before following your daughter and husband's voices calling for you and the others to join their ice cream feast.

[candlelitconversations]

03.

Gerbera

:: baekhyun x oc ;; espionage!AU ;; angst/fluff ;; angstyangstangst ::

( masterlist :: 01 :: 02 )

“If equal affection cannot be, let the more loving one be me.” – WH Auden, “The More Loving One”

As it turns out, heartbreak was to come much closer than Soohyun had anticipated. The air was chilly again, welcoming their second autumn together, with the first red leaves starting to adorn the maple trees of the streets. Soohyun had dinner ready – it was Baekhyun’s birthday and she had prepared a small dinner with a cake for two, complete with his favourite bottle of nebbiolo. As the hours ticked by, and her calls continued to be met with his voicemail, she began to worry and fear. Had they somehow blown their aliases? Had he been taken and held hostage? As she got ready to rush out of the door to try find him herself, gun in purse and overcoat pulled on, he had stumbled back into their apartment, reeking of vodka and utterly inebriated. And as she held him in her arms that night, him crying his heart out as he recalled how he had ran into her again, she felt the first cracks form in her heart.

Hera. He had met her on his first assignment in Italy. He was 22, young and eager to make his place in the world. She, just shy of 21, had somehow landed herself in the middle of his schemes. After that night, Baekhyun did not mention the matter again; avoiding any further questions that Soohyun sent his way. But from what she had made out from his drunken confessions that night, he had succeeded in his assignment at the expense of their relationship, having left her without notice and explanation. He had promised her the moon, and yet had not even been able to send a proper goodbye before disappearing. That was his first lesson as a DK agent: never form true relationships. Because that was the only way he could protect those around him, and he spent every night regretting ever having shown his reciprocation of affection for Hera.

And yet four years down the track, their paths had crossed again. Her being the representative from Italy, sent to Seoul to discuss and work on a deal with the Kim Corporation, represented by Baekhyun. He had feigned indifference, ignorance, as he shook her hand. But he didn’t miss the slight tremble in her hand, nor the way their eyes had locked before she looked away. And that night, all he could remember was those eyes, no amount of alcohol sufficient to take the pain away. As he clutched onto Soohyun’s torso, breaking down into her arms, all he could remember was the way Hera had always smelt of geraniums. Perhaps if he hadn’t been so inebriated and overcome by his own grief, he would realise the dampness of his pillowcase was not accounted for by only his tears. Perhaps he would remember the heartbroken expression that had painted Soohyun’s face as she cried with him, overwhelmed by her inability to take away the pain in his heart.

***

Baekhyun woke to the bright rays of midday sun that following morning, head pounding and eyes swollen, confused momentarily as he found his bed empty. Realising that it was in fact a weekday morning, he darted out of bed, tripping over the blankets and landing with a rather loud thud onto the thankfully carpeted floor. Untangling himself from the material, he realises the sticky note on his bedside table, accompanied by a thermos flask filled with honey camomile tea and a large litre bottle of water.

Tried calling in sick for you this morning, everyone thinks you had too much birthday sex :P

Despite how terrible he was feeling, the note pulled a laugh out of Baekhyun as he downed half the water in one gulp. Pouring the tea into the readied cup on his bedside table, Baekhyun struggled to recall the events of last night. For starters, he had completely forgotten it was even his birthday yesterday until he saw the note. And given how terrible the pounding was in his head, he could only imagine how out of it he would have been the night before, a wave of guilt washing over him. Had Soohyun had to go down to collect him from the wine bar? Had he vomited everywhere in the apartment upon returning last night?

His thoughts were interrupted by a sudden knock on the bedroom door. Startled, Baekhyun all but spilt hot tea onto the blanket, yelping as he turned to see what could possibly have been the source of the noise.

Happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you, happy birthday dear Baekhyun, happy birthday to you

Hiphip- hurray! Hiphip-hurray! Hiphip-hurray‼! Wooohooooo!

Soohyun sang loudly as she walked into their bedroom with the small tiramisu she had prepared for last night, decorated with seven candles – two on one side, and five on the other, to signify his new age of 25. Bending down slowly, she brought the cake to Baekhyun’s level as he continued sitting amongst the blankets on the floor, his mouth stretched into a grin so wide that Soohyun couldn’t help but reciprocate. His smile always reminded her of the summer sun: warm, radiant, and contagious. It was as if nothing had occurred last night – his face void of any evidence of the pain that had overcome him just hours ago. The nagging part at the back of Soohyun’s mind worried; worried that Baekhyun had become so deft in the art of hiding his emotions that she would not be able to offer any comfort to him even when he needed her most. But what she did not know was that, in that moment, she had filled his heart with such an overwhelming sense of gratitude and warmth that he had momentarily forgotten his pains, and that he had not even realised he was grinning like an idiot at her until she motioned for him to blow out the candles. So instead of making his birthday wish and blowing out his candles, he moved the cake from her hands onto the floor next to them and closed the distance, melding their lips into one.

[pinksausageduo]

You Still Loved Him

member: ong seongwoo

genre: heartbreaking angst

words: 3.2k

summary: your whole world comes crashing down and you’re completely heart broken as you find out your 4 year boyfriend and your bestfriend’s deepest darkest secret.

requested: yes (just angst no one in particular preferably daniel or ong)

You kissed him softly on the cheek as you sat down next to him. He wrapped  his arm around you as your head settles into the crook of his neck. He smiles at you and even now after 4 years of dating, your heart flutters. You smile back sweetly and you couldn't help but think how lucky you were. Seongwoo was the best boyfriend you could ever ask for. He was your whole entire world, and he knew you better than you knew yourself. He had your precious heart in his hands, you gave all of yourself to him. You thought he loved you as much as you loved him but you were wrong. But for this one single moment it was like the calm before the storm, you didn't know your whole world will be crashing down in just a few minutes.

You were at a bonfire party it was small around 20-30 people and you guys were playing a game of confessions around the campfire. You weren't paying attention until your best friend spoke up. You look at her amused, she was a party animal and stunningly gorgeous but she currently was hella drunk. You could feel seongwoo tense up slightly but you payed no attention to it. She started to speak slightly swaying with a beer in her hand. "Soooo my confession is a deep deep deep secret not even something y/n knows." she hiccuped and your eyes widened wanting to know. You didn't realise how tense Seongwoo was getting and everyone was urging her to continue. "It all started a drunken night about a year ago. Seongwoo and y/n had a fight since y/n didn't want to have sex with him." Complete and utter silence filled the room. Your head was screaming telling you to leave that instant, that you did not want to know where this was going. But you needed to know. 

She continued by saying "we were both drunk right? so we fucked." Your breath hitched and your heart plummeted, you were begging and hoping it was just the alcohol. But to your absolute horror she continued. "Then after avoiding each other for a few days, the sexual chemistry got too much and we fucked. again. But hahaha that isn't the worst part. You see, from that day on we had agreement that we would have sex with each other. Seongwoo because y/n refused and me because you see i'm completely and utterly in love with him. Seongwoo you told me you loved me too right? A few weeks ago? Then why haven't you broke up with y/n? WHY???" she ended with sobs and sat back down. Everyone was in shock and looking at you and Seongwoo. 

Your head finally started to process everything she said. You stand up slowly, your head spinning and your heart hammering against your chest. You wanted your best friend to feel complete and utter pain like how you were feelings. How could she?? How could HE?? You needed answers you were desperate for them. Every single bone in your body wanted to believe all she said was a lie. You didn't realise but you were shaking all over and you with your lip trembling, facing the ground asked seongwoo "is it true?" He didn't answer for a few moments, but then with the quietest whisper he said the most heartbreaking word he could say "yes." Your world completely collapsed all you wanted to do was stop the pain which wasn't coming just from your heart but every single inch of your body. Hot tears came streaming out of your eyes and you could not stop them. 

You wanted to be angry with him so badly but you couldn't all you were was hurt, so fucking hurt. You preferred to be punched over and over again, you’d prefer that over the fact. Your best friend and your boyfriend slept together behind your back for more than a year. Not looking at him you asked in a trembling voice "was it all a lie? all the i love you's, the kisses, late night cuddles, was that all a lie?" You couldn't help but look at him wanting to know the truth and you met his eyes, those gorgeous brown eyes which you love so much. The ones you fell for 4 years ago, you still had tears streaming down your cheeks and you looked so utterly broken. But seongwoo answered your question anyways inflicting more pain "i don't know." You couldn't help but spit back with more anger "than was your love a lie? WAS WHAT WE HAD ALL BULLSHIT??? THE RELATIONSHIP I POURED MY HEART INTO????" You broke down in sobs before sniffling out bitterly "i gave everything to you except my body and that just wasn't enough was it?" "It was supposed to be enough I just wasn't bothered to wait" he said with his own voice breaking and trembling. He cursed himself accidentally letting that slip out that he wasn’t bothered to wait. He knew you’d be so hurt by that. And oh you were so hurt, everywhere hurt, your head, your heart, everywhere and those words just made it worse. 

You asked again to him needing to know his answer "did you love me?" It took him some time before he answered "I don't know" he said apologetically.  With those three words your whole entire world completely collapsed at your feet into small bits of rubble and your heart shattered into tiny pieces. Trying to muster up all your dignity and with tears staining your face and your eyes red. You walked off right after you said softly to him "goodbye seongwoo." With those words you walked away and in that instant seongwoo realised what he was actually losing. He was in a bit of trance before it suddenly hit him. He was losing you, the love of his life, his best friend. The girl he wanted to marry. He never realised how much he needed you till it hit him just as you were walking away. You heard seongwoo's desperate pleas "NO Y/N W-AIT WAIT PLEASE" you turned around your face in shock. He desperately tried to explain "i-i should of waited, i love you y/n i really do, I'm so so sorry, I-I had no idea what i was doing, j-just please stay with me." He needed you, so badly, he didn’t know what he was doing. He regretted it all, but it was too late. The damage was done and both of you were completely broken.

Your heart was screaming to give him another chance and your head was telling you to leave. For once in your life you followed your head instead. You said softly and as steady as you could muster. "Seongwoo you'll be happier without me, you never loved me, but I loved you so so much but you can never be happy with me. So please let me go." His heart breaks at your words and all he wanted to do was wrap his arms around you and wish he could take everything he did back. But before he could grab your wrist. SMACK you're shocked as Woojin punches him square in the jaw.

Woojin spits out disgusted "don't you fucking dare touch her you lying cheating piece of shit." You're so shocked, you see woojin and daniel were your best friends outside of seongwoo and your best fr-well ex best friend. You just couldn't deal with a fight between them, over you of all matters. You needed to leave right now. You sprint out there as fast as you can. You don't even know where you're going, you just needed to get away. You didn't know how long you were running but you just finally just collapse in tears. You're on the ground sobbing and you flinch slightly as a warm jacket is wrapped around you. Daniel is looking at you concerned and brings you into a warm tight hug. He softly says comforting you "let it all out y/n let it all out."

You cry until you have no more tears left and you ask in a shaky voice. "Why? Why would he do that to m-me." "I have no idea y/n but please please let me stay with you for the night" he pleaded. You couldn't help but nod, he visibly relaxed as you did. "Come on let's get you home" he says warmly leading you to his car. You reach his house, in the car he explained how his parents are away and it's better for you to stay at his place. Daniel was like a brother to you, he was a childhood friend to you since he was a family friend. You snuggle into his solid chest and he whispered in your ear "i always told you that if you need a shoulder to cry on that i'll be that shoulder." You smile at his words but it was a broken smile. Daniel explains how Woojin would take care of Seongwoo and the whole party and he's gonna be taking care of you. You just nod through him talking to you not caring. The only thought on your mind was the scholarship. You were offered a scholarship to a prestigious private school (high school or college) because of your academic performance (or whatever you're good at). You couldn't help but ask daniel with the thought on your mind "Daniel if I just leave would that be the best option? to run away?"

Daniel opens his mouth then closes it, he actually thinks about it without blurting out you shouldn't go. He's sure that the whole argument will go around school. You dated Seongwoo for 4 years and you and your best friend have been best friends since elementary. You'd have to see them everyday and everyone would ask you. While he'd miss you so much he wanted to think about you and not be selfish. He said with a sigh "it might be the best option, it’ll prevent bring as hurt as you would be here and you'll have a clean start. But I personally don't want you to leave." "If I do leave I'll keep on contact with you" you say and he replies with a simple "I know you will."

For some reason both of you just stop talking and you knew without Daniel there you couldn't of fell asleep. But after tossing and turning, more crying and thinking about that scholarship. You decided the scholarship was the best option and that you were going to take it. With that thought in mind you slept in Daniel's comforting arms.

*a week later*

You were at the airport and the wanna one guys were there. The name of their dance troupe. All of them you became close friends with especially Daniel, Woojin and Sungwoon. They were seeing you off as you head to your new school. You were sad to leave them but you knew you had to. The breakup with Seongwoo still felt like a thousand knives were being repeatedly stabbed into your heart. You couldn't help but feel a pang as Seongwoo wasn't there but you ignored it. You heard that him and your ex best friend got together after that night. That night you heard about them you didn't sleep at all and cried the whole night. You hated thinking about it, you focused to the wonderful 10 guys in front of you with sad faces.

"Cheer up!!! I promise to visit andddd we still can contact each other remember i'm just a text or a phone call away." you said as cheerfully as your broken self could muster. You go around to each and every one of them to give them a hug and a letter. But you give sungwoon and extra letter explaining while whispering "that's for seongwoo okay? please give it to him without opening it." He just nods and gives you smile making you give him another hug. They all look surprised and ask what it is. You say sweetly "open them when I leave, it has photos and items of our best memories together, it also has a letter for each and everyone one of you. I know it's cheesy but I don't want you to forget me." Everyone looked in awe at the envelopes and they all engulfed you with a huge group hug. "WE LOVE YOU Y/N AND WE PROMISE NOT TO FORGET YOU! YOU BETTER NOT FORGET US!!!" They all said in all sorts of variations. You laughed your first genuine laugh since that night which was now about a week. You say with a sweet smile surprising a few of the guys, who haven't seen you smile for a while. "i'll miss you guys a lot, i'll see you soon." You hug them one more time, Woojin, Daniel and Sungwoon more tightly. Waving as you enter the terminal and with one more look at them. You think you hear Seongwoo calling your name but you think you're hallucinating so shake your head and walk into the terminal without taking a second glance back.

Seongwoo sprints to the terminal and he can see you go through the doors and tries calling your name. You didn't seem to hear him and as you leave his heart breaks. He should've tried harder, he shouldn't of fucked up so much, oh god how these last few days have been hell without you. Seongwoo looks up to see Sungwoon before he can stop himself he accuses Sungwoon grabbing his collar. "You purposely told me the wrong time!! What the fuck Sungwoon I NEEDED TO SEE HER ONE LAST TIME!!" Seongwoo was getting so fucking pissed but Sungwoon was bloody livid. Sungwoon takes a step back from Seongwoo and whispers dangerously low. "The only reason why I told you the wrong time is because YOU would make her feel more shitty about leaving maybe even convince her not to. The reason I haven't beat your fucking ass is because Woojin already did that and we're in public. Now let me make this crystal clear you're my friend which is why if you apologise enough I'll forgive you. BUT you hurt y/n more than you could ever imagine, I had to be the one of the people to be there for her as she cried and cried over YOUR SORRY LYING CHEATING ASS!!" he finished with a glare.

Before anyone could react Sungwoon thrusted an envelope at Seongwoo and said still pissed "that's for you from y/n don't talk to me unless it's an apology. A sincere one at that." Sungwoon left with that and all the other guys told Seongwoo basically to get his shit together then after go talk to them and apologise. He sat there at the airport on a bench with the envelope you have him in his hands. His hands were shaking as he opened it, he tipped the contents of it on his lap. He looked at the four photos which signalled the 4 years you two had together. The first one was the night you got together at the beach, the second was his birthday and you threw a surprise birthday party, the third was at an amusement park with all the guys and the fourth was the night everything went crashing down. Seongwoo was kissing you on the cheek. He couldn't help the tears spilling out as he saw the pictures and how happy you both were and how much he fucked all of that up.

There was a few items for him, there was a pair of movie tickets from you first date. He couldn't help but sadly smile at the fact you actually kept. There were a few more items that he got you and his heart broke when he saw the last one. It was the promise ring he gave to you on your fourth anniversary, a week before you guys broke up. He was such an idiot to have messed up so much and let you go. Now he's gonna have to face the consequences. He slowly fiddles with your letter and after a few minutes he opens it.

To Seongwoo I'm sorry I wasn't enough for you. I don't know whether you ever actually loved me or not and maybe it's better that way. I don't think I could deal with knowing whether you loved me or not. Either way I'd be broken. But thank you for an amazing 4 years and all the memories we made during that time. I'll be honest all those memories just make everything worse. Like everything I knew about you was a lie. Because the person I knew as Ong Seongwoo would never do this to me. But it's okay maybe I just didn’t know you well enough or maybe you changed, I’ll never know and I’m fine with that. I know I’m taking the coward's way out and running away from my problems. But I don't care, I don't think I could bear to see you again. I don't want to cry over you every single night. Because my heart is broken and my love never will be reciprocated. But one day I'll get over you whether it's because I heal with time or someone else comes into the picture. I love you, I have for the last 4 and I still do as much as I hate to admit it. I love you so so much. But I will get over you and because of that. I wish you the love that I could never give you, please be madly in love and so so happy with someone just for me.

From Y/N

He could feel the tears rolling down his face falling onto the letter. His mind was screaming wishing he could tell you that he really did love you. That you shouldn't go and he'd do anything for you to stay. But he couldn't and he made a stupid mistake and fucked everything up. He even got together with your best friend after the whole disaster. He finally realised he completely lost you, and you deserve to find love with someone else. He just wished that person was him and before he could help himself, he took out his phone and he texted you.

"I got the letter and I wanted you to know"

"I always loved you y/n and I still do love you"

You were on your seat looking out of your window as your phone buzzed twice you see the messages were from Seongwoo. You open them and your heart hardens you know you need to move on and to leave all the hurt and past behind. You do exactly just that as the plane takes off from the runway. You delete the messages shut your phone off and look out the window seeing your city in the distant. One tear rolls down your cheek slowly as you realise you really did leave Seongwoo. He let you go but you were the one that left. You deserved better but you couldn’t deny and you never knew if you’ll stop but. 

“You still loved him.”

WOW ANGSTYYY hope y'all cried, or felt your heart breaking at some point or at least a lil upset. If you didn’t that means it wasn't a good fic AND I SHOULDNT WRITE ANGST. Please tell me if i should actually continue writing angst or not THANKSSSSS. ALSO THANK YOU TO EVERYONG (its a gc) FOR ENCOURAGING ME TO POST THIS and for like telling me to write it, and put it in paragraph. LIKE I LOVE ALL OF YOU. 

[tinybarracuda]

Doubt; a mile-long prose.

Doubt.

My best friend. One of my only real, constant companions.

Doubt. In the form of my thoughts. Devouring every single part of my brain. Occupying every single space in my head. An intangible being, an incredible heck of a mess.

It might just be everything I've ever lived on. It might just be the only the thing I perfectly knew. It's a constant shadow, yet a hidden one. It is present in all times. Every single second. It begs to be noticed, to be acknowledged by my sight. It demands every single piece of my attention. From the moment I open my eyes, to the last minute I struggled to be awake at night.

Doubt. The twin of faith.

Doubt. That one thing you wish hadn't ever existed. That one selfish creature that destroys all the hopes. The only reckless animal I've ever encountered that kept tearing the walls of my fortress of dreams apart, throws it religiously into the dark chasm of forgotten matter, leaving the castle built from my most treasured emotions into ruins.

Doubt. A constant being that presents itself in the only moments of my life that made me feel the most important emotions I never knew I was capable of. It shows itself when it knows that I am bargaining with a great deal of precious feelings.

Doubt.

Present when I first fell in love.

Present when I kept myself awake because I set my eyes on this little, innocent boy, wondering if I'll ever be able to capture his heart the way he unexpectedly captured mine.

Doubt. Present when this little boy became a friend, a close one. Present when this little boy looked into my eyes and made enough promises to make me fall in love quite foolishly. Present when he gave me enough reasons to lift my hopes up. Present when he sang this song when he tried to get me back after a stupid little fight the night before. Present in every silence we created down the hidden staircase every time we wanted to spend a few moments with each other. Present when he and I worked on this dream house as a project with our own agenda  of really having a home exactly like that in the future, when he made puns and pick-up lines about glues and fences and tiny little windows. Present when my mother met him and acknowledged him and even liked him for me. Present when he stared at the colorful pieces of paper pasted onto the walls of my bedroom. Present when I tried to push him past my doorway but he didn't budge and laughed and smiled at me and almost wrapped his arms around me instead. When he said he'll come back someday, as someone who'll be by my side for a long time. When I thought we were going pretty well.

Doubt was present when he started to end our conversations with the most painful things you can hear from a boy you loved at the age of 12. Present when he started to break my heart without looking twice. Present when he started to become that person I never wanted to love, when he started to change and become worse and be the epitome of a mistake. Present when we were separated by the flame of silence that we all knew too well that he was responsible for igniting. Present when he talked to me two years later, saying sorry and putting his arm around my shoulder as he walked with me down the stairs after we locked away the last few pieces of our love, never to be recognized by neither of us ever again. When I put all the last feelings I had for him into that last smile I gave him, the last laugh I shared with him, the last time I acknowledged the way he squeezed my shoulder. Present every time now after our closure that he would reach out, like he always does, his signature move. His default gesture for me. Present when I told myself over and over, that I wouldn't love another boy like I loved him.

Doubt. Present when I stayed awake wondering why I started loving him and why he started ending it. Present when I started throwing away my poems about his absence. Present when I started to fall asleep quite more easily.

Present when his haunting slowly and finally came into a halt.

Doubt. Present when his pair of Asian eyes were all of a sudden replaced by your two, beautiful  brown ones.

Doubt. Emphasized by my thoughts the very moment I saw you leaning against the wall and willingly letting tears roll down your cheeks. The time I realised I still had those tiny feelings for you back in sixth grade and I knew too well that this is about to go nowhere. The first time my heart ached because of you, the very first time I held your gaze for more than one damned second, the time you stayed next to me and bugged me restlessly so we can watch Harry Potter together in the middle of a tiring day, when you kept insisting that I take the seat next to you, when you snatched the camera from my hands and secretly took a photo or two of me going through schoolwork next to you, that one time I laughed at you because you made me do your makeup and you looked hilariously pretty in my favourite  eye shadow look, the very first time I let you squeeze my fingers mindlessly with yours, the time I was the only one there beside you to feel your heart pounding with adrenaline against your chest, when you held my waist and I had my hands on that space between your neck and shoulders and we danced to the rhythm of that pretty song playing at 11:38 in the middle of the night in my dress and sneakers and you being so undeniably handsome in your handsome, handsome suit,

And the very first time I decided to rest my head on your shoulder; I knew doubt was present. When you sat down next to me and listened to the music playing in my head, when you kept getting close to me, when you didn't want to say goodbye yet so you trudged along behind me and had both your hands on my shoulders as I walked, when you nudged me out of the blue and asked if I want to grab a snack with you and I just had to make an excuse to take the long cut so I could enjoy your presence for a little longer.

Even when I told you I liked you, when you started to drop hints, and even when you told me you had reciprocated my feelings, I knew doubt was just around the corner. Waiting to be mentioned once again in my poetry. Allowing me to slowly fall yet again into its deceiving arms. Watching me break into a cry and sink onto my knees and down, down I go and there I was sitting on that dirty bathroom floor at two in the dead of the night and staring at nothing as I was being consumed by overthinking; an offspring of Doubt.

Doubt. Present when you didn't show up. Present every time you say "someday". Present when we got too excited for the day you'll get your phone so you can finally call me. Present when you asked for my number. Present when I started to write about you. When I knew I was falling in love, when it started to coldly remind me that I was making yet another tragic mistake, Doubt was there.

Doubt. Present when you told me your parents found out. Present when my mother warned me yet again about heartbreak and pain and the endless nights of crying that she was very well aware of. Present when I woke up without a single message from you. Present when you stopped trying to call. Present when I listened to your voice messages. Present when I said I understood. Present when I said I'm okay and when I said I wouldn't dare feel otherwise. Present when I realized I'm desperately in need of you. When I knew it already hurts knowing it still has to be a long time before I see you again. When I knew I had to make a few mistakes again for you. When I knew I still have several more rules to break. And when I saw you again; Doubt, just laughed and laughed with so much cruelty and evil running in its veins, when I saw you finally so close to me yet I didn't know why but something held me back. Something makes me just want to stand back but oh, did I let myself continuously stare at you and ponder all day at why did God let me share the same, inevitable feelings with a person so beautifully molded like you, with that perfect hair and beautiful, beautiful brown of your eyes that always finds its way into the bright black of mine and the way you just laugh, that talent of yours that lulls me into a daydream every time I hear you play River Flows In You by Yiruma and that nice, kind and humble personality and that heart-stopping smile of yours and I kept marvelling at the thought that maybe I don't deserve too much like you all at once.

Doubt was present when I saw you and you ignored me. And there I was, dumbfounded in the middle of the campus, wanting to slowly melt into the asphalt and let my remains be crushed into oblivion. But days later, Doubt tried to ease its playful tactics and decided to let me be happy.

But it still lingered in the following scenes.

Doubt was also present every time I see your face and hear your voice and take in your scent. Every damn time. When you spend the day next to me and every time your hand reaches for mine but at the last second you choose to reach farther behind me and wrap your arms around me instead and you play with my hair and you laugh onto me and you smile like you're the happiest person on earth just by doing those things and when you pull me close, too close and I could just make out every single detail of your face like the way your lashes are all so beautiful and that perfect brown of your eyes and every line on your lip and I just can't help but stare at them every time you talk and when you grab my arms all of a sudden just to hold me tight and I didn't care if it cost me a damn little heart attack and every time you look so defeated when you can't find my tickle spot after a whole minute of trying and I just laugh at you and you let me bury my face into your shoulders or chest I don't know but you wrap your arms around me when I do so, and I can't help but conclude that your arms became my home now.

A home that gives me comfort, a home that never fails to keep me warm and effortlessly makes me happy and alive and radiant from the inside. Every time you nudge me restlessly to do schoolwork together and you and me just sitting there arguing about which formula was the right one and I just can't stop staring at your stupid little smile when you knew you lost the argument and damn I just wish Doubt really just wasn't there because every time I get lost in my thoughts about just how perfect you are and I can't understand why there's always this thought

This thought that maybe you are too much for me and I'm too less of a human to be someone for you because maybe I'm too broken or too dead inside and too much of everything I never wanted to be but I just want to keep you close because as far as I know you are the only thing in this entire universe that could keep me happy and alive and on my toes and I want you to know that but I'm just far too scared that maybe you wouldn't know how that feels and that's not how I make you feel because for all I know I'm this fragile but already broken little girl who knows nothing but heartbreak and this friend of hers named Doubt.

How I wish Doubt wasn't even here, I could've been better off without him.

But Doubt's twin; Faith, decided to be a little stronger than him at the times Faith knew I was growing weaker. Faith can give me a small nudge, just to keep me standing for a little while longer. Even when Doubt tried to take the best of me, I know that Faith is worth holding on to. But Faith can do just little, for it can always be overpowered by its twin. A losing battle, like always.

But like the twins they are, they are both constant. Always around the corner. Faith just remains unseen, undisturbed, quiet, obedient. It does not beg not even a single fragment of my attention, it is calm, not violent, peaceful, and is always waiting for me to give it its freedom to take over; waiting for me to overcome its twin. And when I do, it will not cease its force, it will stay, like the way I knew I want you to. Faith remains a being that is not often present in all my poetry, but look closely, and we'll both realize that Faith is one of the only reasons why I'm writing this down. Faith is a creature who enjoys sunsets with another creature much like himself, yet also much like Doubt; Love.

Doubt. A creature that lures my thoughts into its plate and feasts on the agony and anxiety and depression they bring with them and turns them into something much, much worse and a lot more like itself.

Doubt. The whole time without a face. Most of the time does not show itself. Most of the time found in the deepest, darkest parts of my mind in the deepest, darkest time of the day.

Doubt. Most of the time a senseless, unforgiving monster.

Because sometimes, Doubt was right. I should have followed it. I should have listened. I shouldn’t have told you how I felt. I shouldn’t have wasted another second on another episode of Doubt’s favourite hobby: breaking my heart.

Because Doubt was there. Doubt was there when yet again, we found ourselves in a tragedy. When we found ourselves yet again encaged in what seems like hopelessness. When we found ourselves yet again in tears.

When we decided to let it all go, when you decided to give me the space you thought I need, when we said we’ll be strong on our own, and when we said we’ll just be holding on to bare Hope for the future. And that’s what’s left: Hope. Not Love, Hope.

But the original character still remains, as well as Faith.

Because for all I know,

Doubt, ironic as it may seem; is my old friend. A friend that never left.

But I would be wrong, oh how I admit I would be wrong to say this,

But would it matter to you, if I said that Doubt has replaced its face

with a face exactly

like

yours?

//

HELLO THERE! Thank you for taking the time to read this excruciatingly long prose! It’s been sitting in my phone for months now and only just then I was able to put it out here. Thank You for making it to the very last sentence! I wrote this in the midst of a mess when I was in eighth grade, and then continued again after a bad heartbreak on my tenth. Too early for bad heartbreaks, right? But hey, it ignited this spark in me, I never knew I could write this much. 

You’ll hear from me again real soon. Until then, I’ll leave you with this post. Thank You!