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pastshadows · 1 year ago

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Shadows of the Past

Chapter 2: Home & Heartache

Summary: After a year of blissful cohabitation, Astarion disappears without a trace, leaving behind a heartfelt letter explaining his departure. Determined to find him, you traverse Faerûn in search of your lost love, only to realize that some absences are meant to be permanent.

Returning to Waterdeep, you find solace in the company of Gale as you come to terms with Astarion's absence. But just as you begin to heal, Astarion reappears, begging for a second chance at love.

The question looms: can you forgive his abandonment and trust him once more? As you grapple with your emotions and trauma, a sinister force lurks in the shadows, targeting you for unknown reasons.

With danger closing in, you must navigate the treacherous waters of trust, love, and betrayal to uncover the truth behind the mysterious entity's motives. Will you be able to reunite with Astarion while facing the demons of your past? Can you unravel the secrets that threaten your very existence?

Setting: Post End-Game. Mostly canon compliant.

Word Count: 6.7K

Content: Explicit 18+ - intended for mature audiences.

Warnings: [Additional tags will be added, but expect mature content / read at your own risk.

Spoilers. Mentions of in-game missable content. Violence. Longing. Sexual themes. Blood drinking. Angst. Innuendos. High use of sarcasm. Completely fabricated camp interactions.

You’re standing on the docks overlooking the spanning vista of Deepwater Habor. A pale crescent moon is reflected in the glassy surface of the still water. Your hair blows in the slight breeze as you stare up at the heavens with tears streaming down your face.

Having to tell Astarion that you could only be his friend had been a kind of torture you wouldn’t wish on your worst enemies. The love of your life was standing in front of you, telling you he wanted to be with you, making all your dreams and fantasies a reality, and you had shied away from him.

It was the last thing you wanted to do. You wanted to be swept up in his comforting embrace and spend the rest of your life with him. A life with him was all you had desired since falling in love with him, but could you trust him not to leave you again?

“Do you always come here at night?”

You jump at the disembodied voice emerging from the inky darkness, nearly losing your balance and plunging into the bay water.

Astarion struts casually out of the murky twilight.

“Do you always sneak up on people?”

“Darling, you wound me.” he says with a dramatic sigh, “If I were sneaking, you wouldn’t have heard or seen me until I was right behind you.”

You know he’s right. You’ve seen in him action more times than you can count. His ability to move silently and blend into the darkness was uncanny and, honestly, a little disconcerting - if you were not his friend.

I am beginning to loathe that word, friend.

You roll your eyes at him, “I come here when I can’t sleep.”

“Which is often, it seems. I’ve seen you standing here every night since… since I saw you last.”

He’s been watching me?

“Astarion,” feigning irritation, “have you been following me?”

“Following is such a crude word,” he shoots you an innocent grin, “I prefer… admiring from a distance.”

“You always did find a way to twist things into a more glamorous light.”

“I’m sure I don’t know what you mean, my dear.”

You laugh, turning away from him and looking back out at the vast ocean.

“It is beautiful out here.”

When you turn around to answer him, you realize he’s staring directly at you.

Concern spreads over his face, “You’ve been crying. Again. What’s wrong?”

“What do you mean again?”

There isn’t a point in denying you have been crying tonight. You can feel your eyes are swollen and red from nights spent weeping. Trails of tears stain your rosy cheeks.

“Did you truly forget how good my hearing is, darling?”

Throwing him your most innocent smile, “No, I just wanted to hear you admit you’ve been stalking me.”

“Oh,” he tuts, “cheeky tonight.”

Laughing, you hold out your arm, “Walk with me?”

“Anywhere. Lead on.”

You spend the night walking around the sleeping city. Reminiscing about old times and laughing at shared memories.

“Do you remember the bugbear in the barn?”

He chuckles, “How could I possibly forget? I don’t think eternity is long enough to burn that image from my mind and the grunting,” his face twists in disgust, “Gods below.”

You laugh, “You wanted to open the door.”

“Darling, you were going to open that door regardless.”

“I was,” you admit.

“Thank you for allowing me to do the honours.”

Dawn starts to sprawl across the sky too soon.

You try to sneak into the manor, but Gale is waiting for you, pacing around in the foyer.

“Where have you been? I was worried sick!”

“I…I couldn’t sleep, so I went for a walk.”

You still have not told him about Astarion, but you can’t exactly put your finger on why.

I want to keep him all to myself… just for a little while.

“All night?”

“How did you know I was gone all night?”

He looks around as if you’ve caught him with his hand in the proverbial cookie jar.

“You’ve been entirely too reserved the last few days, even for you. I came to check on you, but you weren’t in your room.”

You feel a light annoyance grate at you, “I don’t need babysitting, Gale.”

“I’m just worried about you, my friend. You look like hell - no offence intended. You barely sleep, barely eat, and barely speak. Something is clearly troubling you.” his face softens, “Let me help.”

You know in your heart that Gale is genuinely concerned about your well-being but having him fuss over you is making you feel entirely too suffocated.

“I’m sorry, Gale. Please just give me space.”

He sighs, “I’ve been trying to give you space for months. It hasn’t helped.”

No matter how genuine Gale’s concern is, his reluctance to give you what you so desperately need drives your anger further. You had felled Gods, an army of mind flayers, countless creatures hellbent on killing you, and he dared to think you could not take care of yourself?

Turning, you grab your coat and open the door, “I can’t do this, Gale. Not right now.”

“You’re leaving again?”

You look back at him, “I’m so sorry.”

The morning air is crisp, and your skin prickles with goosebumps at the chilled, damp breeze. The sun is half-risen, splaying a beautiful blend of yellows, pinks, and oranges high into the brightening sky.

You wearily walk through the increasingly loud and crowded street. Your eyes are lidded heavily as your exhaustion sets in. You pass shopkeepers starting their daily stocking of goods, street vendors wheeling their carts out, and the children selling the daily paper screaming their sales pitch.

Before you’re even aware of where you’re going or what you’re doing, you find yourself standing in front of the Golden Harp Inn.

Fuck it.

You climb up the creaking staircase and stand in front of room 2. Glancing both ways down the hallway, you check for any sunlight peeking through the windows before letting yourself in.

I probably should have knocked.

The room is dark, nearly pitch black, but you hear bare feet pad on the wood plank flooring.

“You’re lucky I can smell you, darling. I very nearly took off your pretty little head.”

A match ignites, and Astarion lights a small candle on the bedside table. He’s shirtless, his trousers hanging loosely around his waist. The candle flickers, and the shadows frolic on his silvery skin.

He stares at you, confused by your intrusion, “What can I do for you?”

The words tumble out before your mind catches up to your mouth, and you have a chance to stop them, “Get in bed.”

He chokes, “I’m sorry. What?”

Your face goes flush, “Sorry, that was brash. Let me try that again - may I please sleep here?”

“You…I mean, of course, but why? What’s wrong?”

You whisper, so low that you know only his ears would ever be able to catch it, “Because I miss my home…”

“Oh, my love. Come here.”

You take long strides, closing the distance between you in a frantic rush. Wrapping your arms around him, you push your body against his as closely as possible, nuzzling your cheek into his cool chest.

His arms wrap around you in that tight embrace you remember well, and you breathe in his scent.

You’re exhausted. So many nights have been spent fretting over his sudden reappearance, wondering what you should do and trying to stop yourself from doing exactly this.

You release him reluctantly and shrug off your coat, throwing it over the chair sitting by the bedside.

“May I?” Motioning to the buttons on the navy dress you’re wearing.

You want to be close to him, as close as possible, with no more barriers between you, as long as he is comfortable with it.

At least, just for today.

You tell yourself it’s just for today. After this, you will have to return to being “just friends” as you requested, but do you truly believe you could ever be just friends with this man?

You know this could be a mistake, but you’re too far gone to stop yourself.

He smiles slyly, “Allow me.”

His hands move to the buttons, and he undoes them quickly. You barely even feel his hands at work before the dress slips from your shoulders and pools to the floor, leaving you in your undergarments.

“Beautiful.” His voice is breathless, with just a touch of hoarseness, and his eyes slither over you hungrily.

Astarion whisks you off your feet in an easy, fluid movement, and you wrap your arms around his neck instinctively. He eases you onto the bed before slipping off his trousers and climbing in with you.

“Are you going to tell me what this is about?” He eyes you quizzically.

“It’s nothing.”

You don’t want to tell him about your disagreement with Gale.

“Surely, you didn’t come all the way here to break into my room, delight me by letting me undress you, and climb into my bed over “nothing,” darling.”

“I don’t want to talk about it right now.”

His eyebrow cocks up, but he nods, telling you he will let it go… for now.

You reach out to him, laying your hand gently on his chest, “Can I come close?”

He replies simply by wrapping his arm around your waist and pulling you into him with a happy sigh.

You lay your head on his chest and slide your leg over his in a careful, slow motion, watching for any of the usual signs he’s feeling uncomfortable. You pray that you haven’t gone too far. He’s deliciously close now, and you want nothing more than to stay like this as long as he will allow.

He doesn’t tense up at all. He seems perfectly comfortable. Dare you say, delighted even at the closeness of your body.

Astarion plants a soft kiss on your forehead and rests his cheek against it, stroking your hair in the same comforting way he used to.

Your eyes feel heavy and begin to drift closed immediately as your exhaustion envelops you. Your mind floats in that dreamy expanse between awake and asleep.

“I’m too cold.”

He tries to shift away from you, but you hang onto him tightly as if he were the lifeboat that was stopping you from drowning.

“No, you’re perfect.”

“Foolish woman,” he clicks his tongue in disapproval, “you’re trembling all over.”

“Perfect,” you repeat quietly.

He chuckles, shifting more blankets over you, “Rest now, my love.”

Astarion blows out the bedside candle, blanketing the room in darkness. He rests his cheek on your forehead and starts to hum like he used to, lulling you into your trance.

“Astarion?”

“Hmm?”

You can hear sleep starting to permeate his voice.

“I missed you.”

He kisses your temple softly, “I missed you too.”

For the first time in what feels like a lifetime, you fall into a deep and dreamless trance.

When you awaken, you’re still comfortably entangled with Astarion. His arm is wrapped around your shoulders, but he’s awake with one knee bent, reading a book by candlelight.

You untangle yourself from him and shift away.

“I’m sorry.” you feel suddenly shy, “I hope I didn’t make you uncomfortable.”

A low laugh escapes his lips, and he smiles happily, “Darling, this sad excuse for a bed has never been more comfortable.”

You can’t help but grin back at him, “What time is it?”

“Hmm, I’m not entirely sure, but from the absolute ruckus coming from downstairs, I assume it’s late evening, possibly early night.”

You’ve slept through the whole day, and you feel like you could sleep through another one as long as your body is intertwined with his.

“Are you going hunting tonight?”

“No, not tonight.”

He typically went hunting at night for dinner of the four-legged variety, or at least he used to years ago.

“What were your plans for tonight?”

“Oh, you know me, darling. I skulk around in the shadows, stalk a charming sorceress until she retires for the night, and then I see how many drunkards' pockets I can pick before I get caught. The usual.”

You giggle and roll your eyes at him. He’s being honest, and you can’t help but wonder how many citizens of Waterdeep have awoken with a bad hangover and their coin purses mysteriously missing.

“Let me guess, you never get caught?”

He chuckles, “You know the answer to that.”

Yeah, he never gets caught.

You remember his deft hands well. They always moved with precision and purpose.

Especially when they were exploring my body.

You flush at your thoughts.

A wicked smile tugs at his lips, “Oh, don’t keep your dirty thoughts to yourself. Do share.”

“I was having no such thoughts.” “Your body is telling me a different story, but I digress. Are you going to tell me what this was all about now?”

You knew he wasn’t going to let it go for long.

You sigh, “I had a… disagreement with Gale. I didn’t want to be there.”

His eyebrows pull down in a slight scowl, “Did the wizard harm you?”

You laugh, “No, Astarion. Gale would hardly swat a fly unless he had to. You know that.”

“Good. I would’ve hated to have to kill him. I’m sure even his death would be boring.”

You nudge his shoulder slightly to show your disapproval of his joke. He merely laughs at you. It was a gesture he knew well, of course.

“Then what did the wizard do that made you come all the way here?”

“He… He was being Gale. He’s worried about me, but his particular style of worry can be so… overbearing.”

His eyebrow cocks, “Why is he worried about you? Did you tell him of my return?”

“No. I haven’t told him about you yet.”

He leans forward, finally closing the book he’s been holding, “Curious. Why’s that?”

You shrug, “I don’t know, Astarion. I just… didn’t want to.”

“I see…” He looks at you skeptically as if trying to read your mind.

“Oh, don’t look at me like that.”

You get out of bed and whisper a cantrip, lighting a small fire in the little fireplace, warming yourself by it for a second. Nights in Waterdeep were chillier than you were used to.

Moving to the little window at the end of the room, you glance at Astarion to make sure he’s far out of the way of any potential sunshine that could stream in if he were wrong about the time of day.

Once you see he’s safely away, you push the heavy fabric curtain out of the way and glance outside. The sun has already set far below the horizon, cloaking the city in darkness. It’s cloudy, and the moon shines brightly behind the thick cloud cover, but that pale light doesn’t reach the streets. It gives the city a rather eerie feel.

“It’s night.”

You glance at Astarion, and he’s eyeing you with a seething scowl.

“What in the Nine Hells are those?”

You give him a confused glance.

What is he talking about?

He jumps off the bed and crosses the room in quick, long strides, grabbing your arm and holding it out for you to see.

“These. What the fuck are these?”

Oh…

He’s looking at the scars that mar the flesh of your arm. The telltale puncture wounds of vampire bites. Similar to the one adorned by his neck.

“They’re nothing.”

You pull your arm away from him swiftly, your hand trying and failing to cover the scars he’s so hawkishly inspecting.

“Those are certainly NOT nothing. Tell me.”

His tone is commanding, almost forceful, and his face is twisted in a rage you haven’t seen on him in some time.

There’s no point in hiding it.

“When you left, after I was sure you weren’t coming home, I tried to find you. I searched for you in every place I could think of.”

His brows slowly rise, softening his expression, and you can see the anger slowly dissolving.

“I returned to the Underdark to see your siblings. I thought maybe you had gone there to help the other spawn we set free, as you had mentioned before. The spawn in the Underdark are... shall we say, less in control of their impulses than you are."

The anger flares back up in his eyes, and his mouth sets in a hard line, but it's anger born from concern.

“Let me get this straight,” he pinches the bridge of his nose in exasperation, “you, quite willingly, wandered into a den of 7000 feral vampire spawn? Do you have any idea how dangerous that is!?” His voice is raised, harbouring a sharp edge.

You square off with him, standing tall, anger pulling at you.

Why does everyone think I can’t take care of myself? Make my own decisions?

You scoff at him disapprovingly, “I was well aware of the risks, Astarion.” you cross your arms over your body, “I would do it again and again and again, indefinitely, if I thought I had even a slim chance of finding you.”

He scoffs back at you. His eyes squeeze shut as he reins in his anger. When he opens them again, his face is softer, with a hint of sadness tugging the edges of his brows downward.

“Gods, you’re stubborn, as you always were.”

He reaches for your arm again, stretching it out and places gentle kisses on every scarred bite before pulling you into a tight hug.

“I’m so sorry.”

You hug him back, happy to be in his arms again, “It’s okay.”

A lie. It’s not okay. You haven’t recovered from the first time he left, and now you were setting yourself up for another grand disappearance.

Will I ever recover?

Astarion’s scarlet eyes harbour cavernous regret as they linger over your scarred flesh.

“I should probably tell Gale that you’re back… If you plan on staying in Waterdeep, that is.”

Please don’t leave.

“I’m not going anywhere, darling. Unless… unless you tell me to leave, of course.”

“Then, he needs to know. I can’t keep this from him forever.”

You don’t want to tell Gale. He and Astarion had a tumultuous friendship at the best of times, and that was before Astarion abandoned you in the dead of night.

He sighs, “Allow me to come with you.”

“You want to come with me?”

He groans, “I don’t relish the idea, but you should not have to bear this alone.”

You hesitate, knowing this is probably not a good idea, “You really don’t have to. I can manage this.”

“Beautiful, I have no doubt you can manage it, but alas, if we must tell him, the least I can do is be there for him to scowl at.”

Having Astarion there could make things easier or exponentially worse. It was a coin toss to know which though.

“Fine. You can come, but don’t expect a warm welcome.”

“Hm,” he snickers, “has the wizard lost all of his decorum?”

You give him a disapproving glower.

“I guess I should probably get dressed then.”

You look him up and down, relishing in that glorious view, “Oh, I don’t know. I rather enjoy you like this.”

He chuckles, “Well, darling, we can certainly arrange more… viewings. Although, I do wonder if this is something friends do. It has been such a very long time since I’ve had a friend.”

You realize he’s referring to the fact that you told him you could be his friend but nothing more. Yet you had come crawling into his bed, nearly naked and completely unannounced.

“I suppose that depends on the kind of friends we are.”

“Oh, there is more than one kind of friend? Well, tell me, do you and Gale fraternize in nothing but your undergarments?”

Your eyebrows raise as you redden, embarrassment heating your face, “Gods, no!”

You can barely get the words out fast enough, and they jumble out of your mouth chaotically.

“I thought not. We must be special friends indeed.”

The walk back to the manor is relatively silent as you try to work out what in the Nine Hells to say, how to explain this, and why you hid it.

Upon entering, the foyer is dimly lit, with only a few candles burning. Gale is nowhere to be seen, but Tara notices you and hops down from her resting place.

“Good evening, Tara. Where is Gale?”

“Mr. Dekarios is in the library, pacing about. That oaf forgot to give me my milk tonight!”

You giggle at her vexation. She did hate it when she didn’t get milk. Spoiled little thing she was.

Tara glances behind you, eyeing Astarion wearily.

“I remember you, vampire. Keep your distance.” Tara’s back arches slightly.

Astarion cocks an eyebrow at her and then looks at you, “Charming creature, isn’t she?”

You shake your head. He probably thought of her as an amusing snack.

“I’ll tell you what. If you tell Gale I need to speak with him in the kitchen, I’ll get your milk ready.”

“You will warm it?”

You nod to her, “Of course, just the way you like it.”

“Fine. I will fetch Mr. Dekarios. Be warned, he is in a foul mood.”

With that, she hops off, bounding up the flights of stairs.

Astarion sighs dramatically behind you, “Great. A dour wizard.”

You walk further down the hallway before you hear Astarion’s voice ring out.

“Darling! Are you forgetting something?”

You look at him puzzled for a second, before the realization strikes you.

Right. He needs to be invited in. Does it even work if this isn’t my house?

“Sorry… Wait, can I invite you in, or does it have to be the owner of the house? How does it work?”

It was never something you two discussed in much detail since it had never been an issue before when you were infected with the tadpole.

He looks at the doorway, and his eyebrows furrow, “Shall we find out?”

“Come in, Astarion.”

He takes a tentative step into the foyer and smiles, nodding, before following you down the long hallway.

Astarion sits in one of the lavish chairs, unimpressed, “So, you warm milk now for cats?”

“Tressym.” You correct him.

“Cat with wings.”

“Say it with me, Astarion. T-ress-ym.”

He rolls his eyes at you and looks out the window overlooking the bay, “Quite the view.”

You hear Gale’s footsteps bounding down the stairs at a breakneck pace before you see him.

“You’re back. I was worried. I wanted to apolo-.” Gale’s voice cuts off as his eyes fall on Astarion, stupefied.

“Astarion?”

“It’s nice to see you too, Gale.”

Gale looks between you and Astarion, bewildered. Tara trots out happily from behind Gale as you lower her bowl of warm milk to the ground.

Gale shakes his head and plants his hands on the back of a chair as if to steady himself, “It makes so much sense now.”

His expression is nearly unreadable, pointing to Astarion, “When did this happen?”

“About a week ago, give or take a few days.”

“And you didn’t tell me!”

“I needed time to figure out what it meant, Gale. How I felt about it without external influences biasing my judgement.”

Gale eyes you warily. He would have tried to talk you out of ever going to meet with Astarion in the first place.

“And you, Astarion, what are you doing here?”

Astarion is calm and collected, just staring out the window, not at all perturbed by Gale’s harsh tone, “Looking for her, of course.”

“And now that you’ve found her? Are you planning to stay, or are you just going to run off again?”

Astarion’s eyes narrow, and his jaw tenses at the accusation, “I’m not going anywhere. Not unless she tells me to.”

Gale looks to you for answers.

“I’m not telling him to leave, Gale. If that’s what you’re wondering.”

Gale shakes his head disapprovingly and rubs his face with his hand.

“Astarion, do you have any idea what you put her through? What state she was in when she arrived here?”

A mixture of embarrassment and anger floods you. You had been in rough shape when you showed up here - thin, injured, and haunted. Gale had supported you, fed you, and housed you, allowing you to regain your strength.

“Gale, enough!”

You shout at him a little louder and harsher than you mean to. There were some things Astarion didn’t need to know, and Gale was about to spill it all.

I am going to have to answer for this later.

Astarion’s eyes narrow, “I have a feeling you were about to tell me, Gale. What state was she in?”

You scowl at Gale as his mouth opens, and he immediately snaps it shut again. This information wasn’t his to tell.

“That’s up to her to tell if she chooses to do so.”

Astarion caught the critical glare you shot Gale, effectively shutting him up. It was a feat you were relatively proud of. Not many people could shut Gale up with a look.

“Is that so?” Astarion’s crimson eyes are on you.

Yup, I am definitely going to have to answer for this later.

Gale throws up his arms in defeat, “Well, my friend, if you’re planning to stay in Waterdeep long term, then I think it best if you stay here, in the manor.”

Astarion’s eyes widen, and he laughs loudly, “Thank you for the offer, but I will have to decline.”

“The citizens of Waterdeep aren’t stupid, Astarion. Someone will notice your… nocturnal habits and eventually piece together what you are. It’s not safe for you to stay wherever it is that you are currently residing. I assume a cheap tavern.”

Astarion scoffs, “It’s not cheap.”

Gale rolls his eyes, “Be reasonable, my friend. The last thing she needs is for you to land yourself in a pile of trouble, where she needs to bail you out… again. I can have heavy curtains installed on the windows posthaste.”

Astarion thumb comes to his chin in his usual “I’m thinking” manner before abruptly turning to you, “And what do you think of this… proposition, friend.”

The way he says “friend” is almost seductive. Astarion always did have a way with words and could make almost anything sound as if he were making love to your ears with his voice.

This is a bad idea.

You, Gale and Astarion living in the same place is begging for trouble. Gale had feelings for you once upon a time. You had tried your best to be gentle with your rebuff of his advances, but he had been hurt that you chose the man who admitted to manipulating you over him. Whether those feelings were still alive and well was a mystery to you.

Regardless, Gale was correct here. Astarion staying at an inn was a bad idea. Someone would notice his peculiar schedule and eventually put 2 and 2 together.

You sigh, “Gale is right. You’ve already made quite the impression on the innkeeper from what I gathered from speaking with her. It would be smart for you to stay with people who know about your… predilections.”

He chuckles at you, “That is one word for it, I suppose.”

Astarion runs his fingers through his hair, sighing.

“Well, it appears I have been out-voted. I humbly accept your most generous offer, Gale.” He says in a pompous tone, “It will be like old times, but with exceptionally better lodging by the looks of it.”

You have to hold yourself back from groaning out loud. You wanted to keep Astarion close, but this close?

“Excellent! I shall have the room amended for your particular needs immediately. You should be all set to move here tomorrow night.”

Astarion groans, “Lovely.”

Astarion leaves the manor close to dawn. You retire to your room, hoping to get some rest, but rest is not for you. You toss and turn in your bed, missing Astarion and the comfort his presence provides. Eventually, you give up and move to the terrace to watch the sunrise.

Tara comes to curl up in your lap, and you’re thankful for her company.

“You sleep much less than the other humans I know.”

You gently glide your hand down the soft fur of her back, eliciting a pleasant rumbling purr, “You are quite astute, Tara.”

“I am.” She agrees confidently.

“I have a lot on my mind. Sometimes I can’t get it to rest.”

“Hm,” she thinks for a second, “have you tried warm milk?”

You giggle at her. Warm milk was Tara’s cure for every ailment.

“Is it the vampire that keeps you up?”

She really was astute, smarter than most of the people you’ve met in your life.

“Yes.”

There’s no point in lying to her. She would take your secrets to her grave as she would Gale’s.

“You care for him, yes?”

She eyes you with those large green eyes, the first light of dawn dancing over them.

“Very much so.”

She cocks her head, “And this is a problem for you?”

“I’m not sure I would classify it as a problem exactly. He means well, but he hurt me gravely not long ago. I fear he will do it again.”

“I see. Why do humans fear that which has yet to happen?”

Good fucking question.

“Hm, you know how you avoid sleeping in walkways or being too close to someone walking because you’ve had your tail stepped on before, and it was painful?”

“I do.” She nods her understanding.

“It’s kind of like that, I suppose. We anticipate pain we have already experienced and try to avoid it.”

“Hmmm,” she thinks long and hard, “I’m not sure I understand. I do avoid you humans when you’re walking about. You can be so clumsy with your feet, but I do not lay awake at night fearing it will happen.”

Damn fucking cat… Damn it, Astarion! Tressym.

She was right.

Why am I anticipating pain that has yet to come or may never come at all?

It was a pointless endeavour. Its only use was torturing yourself further. Yet here you were, every night, torturing yourself.

“You’re smarter than I, Tara.”

“I know.”

You laugh at her utter conviction and watch the sun rise above the horizon, casting a brilliant yellow reflection over the water’s smooth surface.

“Why didn’t you tell me?”

You sense a note of hurt in Gale’s voice, and your heart drops into your stomach. He was your friend, and you had intentionally kept this from him.

“I should have. I don’t have a good excuse.”

“Yes, you should have. We could have talked about it.” He scolds you.

I guess I deserve that.

“Therein lies the problem, Gale. I didn’t want to talk about it.”

“Well, I could have at least provided some comfort. Gods know nothing can make you talk when you don’t want to.” He scoffs, annoyed, “What colour do you think the drapes should be in Astarion’s room?”

You shake your head at him, “Honestly, no matter what colour you pick, he’s going to complain about it.”

“I’ll be sure to tell him you picked them out when he does.”

Laughing, “Be my guest. If you’re lucky, he might believe you.”

He won’t.

“As long as they block out all sunlight, I’m sure he will live.”

Gale’s hand comes to his chin, and he looks around, assessing the surroundings, “I suppose I should adorn most of the manor with these heavy drapes. I wouldn’t want him to feel confined to his room all day.”

Despite the often-sour animosity infecting their friendship, Gale truly does care for Astarion, and it shows plainly. Although, you weren’t so sure about Astarion’s true feelings on the subject. He could be impossible to read, even to you who knew him better than anyone.

“That’s nice of you, Gale, but I doubt he expects that.”

Gale continues looking around, evaluating the rooms, probably working out how to cover the large stained-glass windows, “Well, you lived with him. What did he do during the day?”

Your mind wanders back to the time you and Astarion shared loggings in your little house.

What did we do during the day?

You can feel yourself flush with the memories. Heat rises to your face, turning you red.

“Perhaps, I don’t want to know.”

The embarrassment only deepens at Gale’s obvious notice of your hesitancy, and you blurt out things in a rush to fill the awkward silence, “He mostly sleeps, reads or fusses over his clothing.”

Gale nods, “I’ll have drapes hung in the library then.”

Gods below.

You excuse yourself, desperate to get away from the awkward mess the conversation has become. You spend the day fretting over useless things just to get your mind off the fact that you will once again share space with Astarion.

Why does it make me… nervous?

You have shared much more than space with that toxically handsome man, yet the prospect of living with Astarion again made your stomach flip around in your abdomen uncomfortably.

Night falls over the city, slowly blanketing it in dim silvery moonlight.

“Should we go fetch him?”

You don’t get a chance to answer Gale before you both hear the knock, heads snapping towards the sound. Gale opens the door, and Astarion is waiting with a small pack slung over his shoulder.

“Darling! I’m home!” He announces in a cheerful, albeit fake, voice that rings with sarcasm.

“Where are the rest of your belongings?” Gale eyes the little pack, glancing around Astarion to see if he’s brought anything else.

“Waterdeep is quite the trek. I had to travel light.”

Gale’s eyes widen, “You NEVER travelled this light before. You always had us hauling around that damn mirror!”

You nearly snort, making the sip of tea you just drank shoot out of your nose.

The mirror. How could I forget?

Astarion always lugged around that clunky, gold-rimmed mirror he loved so much. It had been a pain in the ass to travel with, and almost everyone complained about it at one point or another, not understanding the point of carrying around a heavy mirror he couldn’t even see his reflection in.

It has been one of his most precious possessions, and it was one of the things he had left behind when he left you.

Astarion’s crimson eyes find yours knowingly, “Careful, darling. Don’t choke.”

His eyes return to Gale, “I have relinquished unnecessary sentimental attachments.”

“Certainly convenient timing.”

“What can I say? I’ve grown as a person.”

Gale groans.

This is off to a wonderful start. They are already annoying each other.

“Are you going to make me stand out here all night? Where ever did your manners go, Gale?”

“You’ve already been invited inside, or do you need to be invited in every time?”

Astarion chuckles taking a step into the entryway, “I was being polite.”

“I will show you to your room.”

You follow Gale and Astarion up the stairs. Gale had chosen which room Astarion would stay in, and it just so happened to be the furthest room from yours. He had touted that it was the room that got the least amount of direct sunlight, but you weren’t so sure that was the real reason.

“So, tell me, Astarion, what kind of trouble have you been getting into the last couple of years?”

Your heart slams against your ribs. Naturally, you have wondered the same but refrained from asking because you aren’t sure you truly want to know the answer.

“Wouldn’t you like to know.”

“I would actually.” Gale’s tone is icy and confrontational.

He’s trying to spur on Astarion.

You stare at Gale with a skeptical look, but he is too busy glaring keenly at Astarion to notice. You had never known him to incite arguments. He was more likely to try and stop them before they started than to actually go searching for one.

Odd.

Astarion stares back at Gale with an easy, relaxed smile. He won’t be so easily enticed into an argument, “You know me, a little bit of this, a little bit of that.”

You know that’s all the information he will divulge. He’s being intentionally vague, giving nothing away.

“This room is yours.”

Astarion walks in, looks around and whistles before smirking, “Nice curtains.”

On cue, Gale points to you, “She picked them.”

Astarion’s eyebrow cocks up in a clever glance, “Oh, I don’t know about that. They scream dull wizard more than draconic sorceress.”

You laugh, and Gale groans loudly.

“She told me a little about what you like to do during the day.”

Astarion eyes you with an amused look, one that screams he’s about to say something he probably shouldn’t.

Don’t do it.

“Did she now?” His finger comes to his chin, and his eyebrow cocks handsomely, “I’m curious. What did she tell you I like to do during the day.”

You feel yourself redden again, and he stifles a laugh, knowing he managed to fluster you.

Ugh.

Gale looks at you with a furrowed brow but continues, gracefully skipping over the awkwardness, “She said you like to read, so I’ve had the library windows draped, as well as most of the lower floor so you can move around freely during the day. I’d stay away from the upper floors unless you would like to be a pile of ash.”

“Your generosity truly knows no bounds, Gale. Thank you.”

Gale laces his hands behind his back and bows shallowly, “You’re welcome, my friend. I shall leave you to get settled then. Make yourself at home.”

Gale strides away and disappears down the hall, muttering to himself under his breath. Your ears can’t pick up what he’s saying, but from the look on Astarion’s face, he definitely can.

“He’s certainly in a tizzy.” He chuckles.

“You goaded him, Astarion.”

His hand comes to his chest dramatically, “I did no such thing!” He mewls, “How should I know what you told him about what, or rather whom, I like to do during the day?”

You feel that familiar flush rush up to your face again.

This Gods damn man!

He snickers at you, “You’re too easy, darling.”

“You should be nicer to him. He did change his home to accommodate you, after all.”

He clicks his tongue disapprovingly, “I never asked to stay here. I was perfectly content to stay at the inn.”

“It’s dangerous, Astarion.”

“Darling, I’ve spent two centuries learning how to blend in. I can take care of myself.”

You roll your eyes at him, “You couldn’t blend into a crowd if you tried.”

“Is that so? Care to tell me why not?”

He knew why. He was well aware that he turned heads everywhere he went. He thrived on the attention. It had often been a point of contention between you and him. There weren’t many places to go during the night, but you two would often go to the tavern for a drink to get out of the house, and he was constantly being fawned over.

People would “accidentally” bump into him, "trip” in front of him to elicit a response and all other manner of convoluted attempts to get his attention. The most exceedingly brazen individuals would simply try and push you out of the way or wedge themselves between you.

It didn’t phase him, of course. His eyes were always on you, and only you, but you had a fiery jealous streak, and no matter how well he disregarded all advances, it drove you crazy.

“You know why.”

He smiles devilishly, “Yes, but I do enjoy hearing you say it.”

“Goodnight, Astarion.”

“Goodnight, my dear.”

Your bedroom door closes with a quiet click, and you take deep breaths, trying to steady your frantically beating heart.

Why does he have this effect on me? He barely has to look at me before my heart is trying to leap out of my throat. Worse yet, he can hear it.

You curse your body for being so obvious to read. You’re an open book to him. All he has to do is listen to the racing of your heart, the hitching of your breath, or oftentimes, all of the above, and he will know what you are feeling.

Foolish, foolish woman.

Changing into your night clothes, you crawl into bed and fall into your trance fitfully.

Thank you to all those who read/like/comment/follow/reblog/etc. I'm forever thankful for the support.

Chapters Master List - Shadows of the Past

AO3: Crossposted

If you're interested, I also write fanfic for Ascended Astarion x Spawn Tav - Fangs and Fractured Hearts

#astarion x tav #astarion x you #astarion x reader #astarion x mc #bg3 #astarion smut #astarion ancunin #bg3 astarion #baldurs gate astarion #astarion romance #astarion #shadows of the past #astarion x oc #astarion bg3 #astarion baldurs gate #spawn astarion

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