#incredibly damaged. unhappy. but Strong.

[the-words-we-sung]

The songs of Young Royals - S1 E1

So after a few re-watch I started noticing how well the songs are used in the show and I wanted to chat a little bit about it ^^ (Because I'm usually watching alone with my cat and he doesn't really care about my opinions on how awesome the show is at picking its songs :p So hopefully people here will be more interested!!)

Bad, Farveblind

I think it's wrong I think it's bad I think it's lame I think it's horrible The song starts when we see Wilhelm at the club where he gets in a fight and then we get the chorus through his earbuds in the car (note: I love it when a show put a music in the background that ends up being something a character is actually listening to in the scene!!). He just got out of a shitty situation which will have huge repercussions on his life and his mother is making decisions about his life without asking him: the show is not subtle about telling us how "wrong" and "bad" it is. And despite this lil' foreshadowing (the song plays before Minou tells Wille about his mother's decisions) and Wilhelm's strong opinion against them, it's still gonna happen. Going to a boarding school is "lame" (or so Wilhelm thinks) and the whole situation is "horrible". And yeah, it's gonna suck on a lot of points, but it's also gonna change his life...

Wannabee Ghetto, Fata Boom

... Keep up the front like it's your decision ... Look our best Covering up what we're missin It's literally what Wilhelm has to do now. His mother decided for him that he should change school and enroll at Hillerska, he is not happy about this plan but has to pretend he's okay with it. He just lied to the public that it was a decision he took part in. He is the prince, even if he's not (yet) the Crown Prince, and he has an image to maintain. An image that was damaged due to the video of the fight: someone is literally putting make up on him to "cover up" the marks of the fight so he can look his "best". And what is he missing? Well August will say it at least twice: he doesn't have the same drive as him or Erik. So he's missing the desire to be on top, to be king, to keep the status quo...

It takes a fool to remain sane, The Ark

... Wasn't life supposed to be more than this ... Let go off my hand and it will slip on the sand If you don't give me the chance To break down the walls of attitude I ask nothing of you, not even your gratitude 'Cause it takes a fool to remain sane ... Of becoming like the others Who become unhappy mothers And fathers of unhappy kids This song!! Such a great choice for their first song <3 Wilhelm being so incredibly unhappy and stuck because "being a prince is a privilege, not a punishment" but he wants more for his life. It is supposed to be "more than this", more than pressure and appearance. The song going on with the "unhappy mothers / unhappy kids" while we follow Erik and Wilhelm stiffly posing for pictures outside. How can Wilhelm not be scared? Is it the life that awaits him? Always keeping a nice front, not being himself?And why is that? 'Cause they've forgotten how to play But Erik and Wilhelm haven't forgotten yet!! Right after these lyrics we have a playful Erik who suggests they take off in the middle of the photo-shoot! And they do!! So there's hope for them!!

I see you, Nadia Tehran

Back to their bases Covering their faces Tones through the breeze yeah The power calls crises Round my crowd No cops allowed Interestingly the song starts with "you ain't welcome here, you don't look like us". This part is not in the show but works so well for Wilhelm starting at Hillerska. He's getting hazed by his peers "covering their faces" and being really rough with him (this hazing is so yucky, I struggle watching it every time ^^'), and he's welcome here because he's the prince, because he's supposed to be part of their world. But he's not gonna be like them. Do they know it already? "You don't look like us", and thanks god for that!! (And yup, "no cops allowed", right August? You can do whatever you want here without any consequences...)

Blah blah blah, Armin van Buuren

All we ever hear from you is blah blah blah So all we ever do is go ja ja ja And we don't even care about what they say The song plays while August is talking to Wilhelm about being among his peers and criticizing him for wanting to be "normal" at his previous school. I love that this song is playing because, yes, it's a good party song, but also, it's probably what everyone watching the show is thinking when August is being an insufferable prick like that! And Wilhelm too, who just usually goes "ja ja ja / yes yes yes" to what August tells him (until he stops and finally goes openly against him, but for now in the show, he just listens and nods). Erik told him he should listen and trust August, so he listens to him. But at this moment Simon appears, and suddenly Wilhelm "don't even care about what they say" because the cute boy he already has a big crush on just arrived. And August and his stupid speeches about rich people being above everyone else don't matter anymore.

[the-person-on-the-bridge]

DPXDC Prompt №5

Well

Imagine that Danny and Klarion are a couple, and what a mess it could be. And what would be the reaction of the League? God, this idea just occupied my brain.

JL has a problem that neither they, nor JLD, nor YJ can handle. They decide to use their heavy artillery - Phantom. When Danny arrives he is met by a bunch of panicked superheroes who think the world is about to end. They tell him about the problem, for example, huge monsters that cannot be damaged. Danny realizes that he has already heard something similar. After a while, he remembers.

"Hey, do these monsters have some kind of seal or symbol on their side? For example, K with a dot?"

The league doesn't understand what this is about at all, but they say, yes, there is.

"Oh, I've faced them before, but I can't handle it alone. But I know who can help." Danny sits down on a chair, takes out his phone and starts typing. It takes a long time to type.

Half an hour later, everyone was on edge, and the Phantom didn't stop typing. 

Superman couldn't stand it first: "Phantom, we appreciate your help, but please specify who we are waiting for." The boyscout is polite as always. The Batman clan looks at each other uneasily.

"My boyfriend. By the way, he's on his way," the Phantom answers nonchalantly, without looking up from the phone and continuing to type.

The League participants are close to a breakdown: not only is the threat hanging over the States, which they are not able to cope with, but the Phantom has added from above. Phantom, is an incredibly strong player by himself, their heavy artillery, the king of the fucking Endless Realms, dates someone SO powerful that this someone can help him stop a potential threat to the country.

Then something in the air changes. Magic users and the League look at Danny, who finally puts the phone in his pocket. He frowns irritably and crosses his arms over his chest.

"Finally," he muttered discontentedly and gets up.

A black-and-red portal appears in the room, from which an irritated Klarion exits. Exactly the one who was least expected to see. YJ are already ready to take up arms, but the Phantom is ahead of them.

"Did you see how much time has passed? You're late." Danny comes closer, still unhappy.

"I couldn't teleport out of YOUR fucking castle. You open portals yourself every day, why ban them in the castle at all?" Klarion goes to meet Danny. "I got lost in the corridors six times. SIX. I am 16 billion years old, I have existed since the beginning of the universe, and I could not get out of the castle!" the distance between them was rapidly shrinking until they were standing close.

In any other situation, many would have laughed at this, but not in this one. Everyone in the room felt the situation escalate. They saw the Phantom in anger, they saw the Klarion in anger, but they never saw them together, let alone together and in anger.

"So you think it's my fault?!" The windows began to be covered with frost, and circles began to appear on the coffee in the Green Arrow mug. The jar with the handles began to bounce, everyone in the room began to feel the force of their anger.

"This is your castle, your ban. Whose fault do you think it is that I'm late?" Klarion's voice dropped. The Phantom looked dumbfounded. "What… How do you even..." Phantom's incipient tirade was interrupted by Klarion's kiss. He pressed his lips to the Phantom's lips, closing his eyes. He ran one hand through the ghost's hair, and the other pulled the Phantom closer, holding on to his waist.

The Phantom relaxed into the kiss, wrapping his arms around the chaos lord's shoulders. Teekl stepped onto Phantom's shoulders, settling comfortably on them.

"Ahem-ahem" someone coughed tactfully

The Phantom moved a little away from Klarion, turning sideways to the League.

"Phantom, we understand your situation, however, you must remember the original purpose of our meeting." Batman is as straightforward as ever.

"Oh, right, sorry, guys," muttered the Phantom, turning in arms, but looking into the eyes of Klarion. "Do you remember the creatures we imprisoned in the time of Egypt?"

"Mmm, before or after Cleopatra?"

"After"

"Ugh, those slimy things?"

"Yes, and these slimy things are now taking over the east coast. Why did you put your stamp on them at all?” Phantom asked, leaning back into the embrace.

"I was thinking of leaving them for a rainy day," Klarion replied, stroking Teekl, still sitting on someone else's shoulders. "They had potential. Before they went mad with anger and started consuming each other."

"Ugh, okay," the Phantom grumbled, twisting out of the embrace completely. "Let's go show class"

Having created the portal, the Phantom invited Klarion to go first, gallantly bending over and bending his arm behind his back. "After you"

Klarion grunted, took the Teekl and disappeared into his own portal. Phantom rolled his eyes. "Eccentric"

JL remained in stunned silence, watching the interaction of the two creatures and asking a lot of questions. How long have these two known each other? What is the real age of the Phantom, if it existed before Cleopatra? If the Phantom knows that Klarion is the lord of chaos, does that mean that the Phantom may be involved in Klarion's affairs?

Just a minute after the two creatures leave, JL watches as the two subdue one monster after another. In just ten minutes two of which they kissed Phantom and Klarion defeat all the creatures. Klarion reads a spell, the Phantom opens a huge purple portal, where Klarion sends the bodies of monsters with a spell. When the creatures' bodies have disappeared, the Phantom creates another portal in which they disappear.

JL has literally a few seconds before they feel the familiar chill.

"I'm sorry it took so long. Last time we did it faster," the Phantom's voice rang out at the end of the hall.

Turning around, the heroes saw Klarion supporting Phantom by the elbow. The ghost looked paler than usual, but overall not bad. On the Phantom's cloak was a black slime left over from monsters, which he looked at with undisguised disgust.

"Phe, I thought I didn't get dirty" 

"I told you not to kick them, but when you listened to me," Klarion rolled his eyes”

"Hey, ghosts don't attack Amity anymore, it's nice to remember the past sometimes" 

"You're a member of the Justice League. Isn't that enough?"

"It's not the same. Okay, guys," The Phantom looked at the League again, "I'm damn tired and I'll answer your questions another time. You've already ruined our movie night. Waiting is the least price you will pay for it. See you soon!"

They were swallowed up by the Klarion’s portal, leaving the League confused and shocked. The first, oddly enough, Constantine came to himself. 

"I need a drink"

Klarion and Danny: * kissing while monsters are raging in the background*

Literally the entire Justice League: 

[felixschokehold]

Request by @xxx-wounded-angel-xxx:

Premise: Shy, short goth reader mate x Felix, the perfect husband.

Click below to continue reading this small ;) one-shot.

Felix found it incredibly endearing; since the first moment he met his mate, he made a passing comment on how tiny she was. She stood at barely 5'2", and Felix took it upon himself to call her Thumbelina.

The way she blushed every time, even to this day, over the nickname, made him smile. He swore he could feel his heart almost begin to beat again every time she buried her face in the pillows or smacked her book over her face trying to hide away from his affectionate nickname.

His teasing comments made her feel as if she'd blush so hard blood would seep from her pores; "Ah, I am lucky I am not a human. To have to bend down so far just to lift you in my arms to kiss as often as I do surely would make me feel sore and old", "perhaps I need to tie a long stringed balloon to your hair ties so I do not lose you in the grocery store", "if you were any smaller, I could slide you into my pocket".

Felix loved being able to reach into the cupboards for her; dishes, food, spices, tea, coffee. He enjoyed following her around bookstores and libraries, grabbing the books her fingers stretched to reach. He loved watching his mate having to crawl across the bed to put her side of the sheets on, when all he had to do was kneel down and barely reach out with both arms.

It wasn't until recently, though, that his sweet, gentle little Thumbelina began to buy platform shoes. Not her regular 4 to 5 inch ones. No, she had been purchasing platform heels that reached almost ten inches.

"Do you notice anything different today?" His mate asked him the first time she slid the 8-inch platform shoes on. She held her head high, proud of her purchase.

As Felix walked to her, still towering far above, he tilted his head curiously. "I don't, Thumbelina." He replied teasingly. "You're still too far away."

She frowned at him comically and turned to grab her tea on the counter and nearly slammed her head into the cupboards, not used to having to mind anything above her head.

Felix had reached out, covering her forehead with his hand to stop her from hurting herself. "Don't you know, my love?" He asked quietly, lifting his mate into his arms and setting her on the table.

"What?" She responded, trying to hide her bashfulness behind endearing grumpiness as she folded her arms across her chest.

Felix's large hands moved to her shoes, unlacing them delicately so as to not damage them. "I love you as you are. You do not need to go to such lengths, there is nothing I am unhappy with."

"But you always make fun of me." His mate replied, her brows knitting together.

"I am not intending to be mean to you. One of my favorite things about you, about us, is the height difference." Felix set her shoes aside and ran his cold hands on her thighs. "I love being able to easily carry you around. I love feeling so capable and strong when I am around you, to protect you from anything." Felix placed a small kiss on her forehead. "And I love how my body engulfs yours when we lay together at night."

Thumbelina's face turned a deep, deep red. "Prove it."

With a sly smile, Felix gathered her so easily into his arms, as he had done hundreds of times before, and whisked her away to their room.

[enderblogs-25]

🦋

Alright, so. Life is interesting. Sometimes you live with parents that treat you awfully and you recognize that for what it is at the start, and sometimes you go twenty-four years thinking you had a happy childhood with unhappy moments. I know now, a few weeks away from my twenty-fifth birthday, that I didn't grow up happy. My mom was never the superhero I thought she was. I grew up constantly performing, taking care of my parents' emotional needs, sheltering in my room or the bathroom when I needed a break from my twelve hour workday, (non stop, no breaks, get the schoolwork done to her standards, go go go) and keeping my needs tucked away.

I grew up in the shadow of an infant, a sister I never had, a baby my mom had eight years before my existence who died eight minutes after her birth. Mom refuses to move on, sometimes talks like she's still alive, visits her in the cemetery often, (it's rare to go more than a month without a visit) and often compares me to the idea of a person that never lived to her tenth minute. I was never good enough. I never will be, because I can never be the baby she lost. She never would've put mom through what I've done, she would've been perfect.

I started seeing a psychologist about a month ago to help me process what I've been through. What my childhood gave me. What my mom is still doing to me. He's amazing; the work we've done so far is so useful, and it's only just begun. Today was the first day I cried in a session. I let myself feel whatever came up, instead of brushing the emotions away with laughter. Instead of being strong. I don't need to be strong. I need to be safe. I've needed to be safe for a long time. Now I have a family and a safe place... I can finally be. Whatever that entails.

I cried because... TL;DR, mom bought a pair of rings, and they mean so much.

After she lost my sister, mom got a ring with her birthstone on it: a sapphire. It had a couple diamonds on the side, gold colored band, simple, but very pretty. She had it at least thirty years before it was damaged beyond repair. A few of the prongs that hold the sapphire had been loosening for a while, some of the diamonds had been lost, so she wasn't comfortable wearing it anymore. Mom was crushed. She recently went to Europe on a Girl Scout trip, and found a little jewelery store in Florence, Italy. I didn't know this, but she was on the hunt for a new ring; one with my sister's birthstone, and mine. She found one ring with each, and brought them home with her. ... This sounds incredibly sweet, which it would be for a normal mom. However, two things. 1. Things like that are reserved only for my sister. She's never done something like that for me. Why now? Why now that I've moved in with my partners and am building my own life? (Hmmm.) 2. She wanted to replace my sister's ring, and then decided to get a ring for me. Once again, I'm attached to my sister. It always has to loop back to her. It can never be just me, just me and my mom. She has to be somewhere.

My psychologist told me about a past patient of his, who had a similar family story. One day, he asked the man what he would tell his parents if he could let himself feel his true emotions. The man said, "I would tell them... I'm alive. I'm fucking alive. Can't you see me???" I understand exactly what his patient feels. I am alive. I am here. Why is it that my life has been lived side by side a person I never should've known about? I'm fucking alive. I fucking matter. I'm fucking important. I should be a priority. ... And I never was.

I came home from my appointment, took a long shower, (I hadn't been able to since Saturday) and made... this.

It took five hours, but it felt good. I am alive. I am a priority. I am my own person.

It will take a long time to understand all of what happened. But I've helped build a family and home that I can turn to when it gets difficult. A real family that provides love and support. A home that isn't only a shelter from the elements.

Life is interesting.

[maxfac123]

Best dental clinic in Mumbai offering a range of dental treatments.

Today, the majority of items are digital. So finding a top-notch dental clinic in your region is relatively easy. However, you must conduct some research if you want high-quality service. Finding one online based on user reviews is always preferable. You can get an accurate impression of the clinic by reading client reviews. 

The success of a dental clinic is frequently influenced by its location. A clinic with a busy location will probably see more clients than one with a quiet location.

The success of a clinic is also influenced by its standing. A clinic with a solid reputation will probably see more clients than without.

Another element that affects a clinic's performance is the caliber of the orthodontic care delivered. The clinic will probably see more people than one that doesn't if it offers high-quality care.

Productivity is also influenced by the services it provides in addition to these variables. Clients will be happier if the clinic provides a wide range of services.

The Maxfac Clinic is a top-notch family dental clinic in Mumbai with qualified, experienced dentists. They offer the greatest services in the area.

Range of Dental Treatments

Teeth cleansing

Undoubtedly, this is one of the major motivations for dental visits. Most dentists believe they should perform this procedure at least twice a year; however, once every year is also fine.

For the sake of your oral hygiene, this is crucial. This is all because your brush will never be able to clean the teeth as thoroughly as a dentist can. To ensure that your teeth remain strong, nutritious, and beautiful, you should perform this procedure at least once a year. It is also not uncomfortable at all, so there is no need to frighten.

Implant Dentistry

To truly replace a tooth, this is unquestionably the finest option. The fact that dental implant therapy is everlasting is a plus. So what takes place throughout this process? It entails painless dental surgery that involves inserting implantation into your jawbone.

Although this entire process typically requires a few treatments and a few months to complete, it is permanent, which is great. Additionally, these prostheses and crowns with implant support function like natural teeth.

Crowns

The crown is like a cap that completely encases your teeth. The dentist attatches it in the mouth and constructed of steel, porcelain, or metal. They are typically inserted in places where a molar has deteriorated, damaged, or fractured.

On the contrary, some people decide to have this operation done to improve the appearance of their teeth. If you wish to place a crown, your existing tooth must be ground down, turning it into a tiny peg to which the crown connects.

The dental clinic in Mumbai will require some time to create a brand-new crown. Therefore, you need to be tolerant in this situation.

Extractions

Does the thought of this phrase give you the chills? Nobody would blame you if it did, as it sounds incredibly painful and terrifying. It's not the most enjoyable procedure in the world, but it's also not particularly terrifying.

Your dental treatment clinic in Mumbai will ensure you're comfortable and relaxed if you pick the proper one. Now, there are numerous reasons to undertake extractions. You may have to use sedatives or be asleep while having your tooth extracted. You won't feel much, for sure. Yes, you'll probably be hurting afterward, but these extractions stop the pain from worsening.

Going to the dentistry is often one of the most terrifying experiences for people, which is why they often put off going because they are afraid of the discomfort or what the dentist may say about potential problems.

Huge chairs, a buzzing noise, and x-ray equipment can all instantly cause anxiety, but you should try to find a way to get over it. You'll realize eventually how helpful it can be for you. You should visit your dentist right away if you're unhappy with your smile, teeth, or if you have a toothache. As you can see, there are a plethora of excellent therapies available to address practically every issue.

[cheeseanonioncrisps]

Maybe I'm stupid for not noticing this sooner, but I was watching some Encanto clips on Youtube and it suddenly hit me— even without her powers, Luisa is still incredibly strong.

Like, it's easy to overlook because from the age of five onwards she basically never experienced the sensation of struggling to lift something apart from the weight of her family's expectations, so every scene where she tries without her powers she's miserable and freaking out about how 'weak' she is.

But if you look at it objectively:

Like, yeah, she's struggling and straining and all, but she's also moving a fucking piano from one room to another entirely by herself. Like, that's not normally a one person job.

Equally, here:

This is a huge slab of rock. And yeah, she requires Mirabel's help to get it upright, but she gets it most of the way there on her own, and Mirabel is fifteen and pushing from a side corner, so her support was probably more moral than physical anyway.

And here:

Now she's working with both Mirabel and Isabela's help, but Mirabel seems to be in charge of holding it steady rather than pulling it upright, and Isabela is not particularly muscular and looks to be bearing less of the weight, so there is no way that Luisa is not doing most of the work in lifting this massive fucking load-bearing column.

Once again, while Luisa clearly appreciates having her sisters help her, it's probably less that she can't lift stuff without her powers— I mean, don't go asking her to throw donkeys in the air or move a church without them, but she's still perfectly capable of heavy lifting— and more that she needs the confidence that comes with knowing that she's not the only one bearing the weight.

Another interesting thing is that the fact that Luisa's muscles persist even after losing her powers implies that even when she had them, she must have been feeling at least some of the weight of the things she lifted.

Like, muscles build with effort. Her powers obviously give her a boost, but if they just made everything weightless then she wouldn't have anything like the physique she's ended up with (in fact, she'd probably have been incredibly scrawny from not putting her muscles to use since she was five years old).

When she complains about being treated like a workhorse, it's not just the time and the stress of responsibility that she's got to be unhappy about. Muscles grow when they get damaged through exercise (which is why you might feel sore after a workout) and then repair themselves stronger than before. That's where the phrase 'no pain, no gain' comes from.

In order to have the kind of muscles that she has, Luisa has to have been experiencing at least some physical discomfort from using her power. Physical discomfort that probably didn't get acknowledged, because nobody would have been expecting her to feel it, and she most likely wouldn't have wanted to mention it too much, given her fear of being seen as weak.

Which means that one of the biggest benefits of having her sisters help her lift stuff, even if she's still doing most of the actual work, is that Luisa now has somebody there to acknowledge that the work she's doing is difficult. That it's not nothing to be told you have to lift a church, round up some donkeys and divert a river all on your own without even five minutes to take a break.

When the three of them finally lift that pillar, and Isabela turns to her admiringly and says "you're so strong!"— how many times before that do you think Luisa has been earnestly praised by members of her family for the work she does?

[thephantomessoftheopera]

Notes on Gaston Leroux‘s „The Phantom of the Opera“ - Chapter 27: „End of the Ghost‘s Love Story“

Artwork by @flaviamarquesart

<< Previous chapter

“End of the Ghost’s Love Story” is the most powerful chapter in the novel, because it reveals the full extent of Erik’s love for Christine. It is also the one that makes the story truly extraordinary, because it redeems his character and lifts him above the level of a gothic villain, who is usually defeated and punished in the end. This is why he is generally considered a “Byronic Hero” (https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Byronic_hero). The Byronic hero is a complex, often tragic form of romantic anti-hero who is generally more villain than traditional hero, but who has at least one redeeming quality (usually connected to love) which makes him a sympathetic figure despite his flaws and/or crimes. The character type was created by the English poet Lord Byron in his works such as “The Corsair” and “Don Juan”, and became extremely popular in the 19th century. Except for his looks, Erik fits that classic character type in almost all other aspects (highly intelligent, tortured, violent, ruthless, manipulative and driven by an all-consuming passion).

The chapter’s title also makes it clear that the whole thing is a love story at its core - everything in the novel happened because Erik fell in love with Christine. It is, and has always been, the story of Erik’s love - he is the one character we follow up until the end.

The final chapter is narrated by Leroux again, but it draws on what the Persian supposedly told him when he went to visit him in his flat in the rue de Rivoli. When the Persian wakes up after losing consciousness in the water, he and Raoul are resting in the Louis-Philippe room, and Erik and Christine are taking care of them. Raoul has already woken up before the Persian, and is now asleep again.

The room itself astounds the Persian in how ordinary and old-fashioned it looks, and how much it contrasts with Erik’s general appearance (remember that the Persian had never been in Erik’s house before). Erik explains to him that the furniture once belonged to his mother, which explains why the style is so different from his bedroom, which is decidedly more „Erik“. The Persian also wonders why Christine, who is moving silently through the room and then sitting down beside the fireplace, ignores both Raoul and himself when tries to call her. The Persian believes that Christine is reading “The Imitation of Christ”, which is significant and which I will come back to a little later. The “opposites” theme is also present in this scene again, describing Erik’s figure as black and a demon, and Christine’s as white and an angel. The Persian finally falls asleep again.

When he wakes for the second time, Erik has already delivered him back to his flat according to the promise he made to “his wife”. The Persian immediately sends to find out what happened to Raoul, and learns that Raoul has disappeared and that Philippe’s body has been found on the shore of the lake under the opera house. The Persian has no doubt that Philippe was drowned by Erik (or “the siren”), and decides to denounce him to the police. However, his testimony is ridiculed, and he - like Raoul - is taken for a lunatic. The Persian then decides to write everything down and later hands his manuscript to Leroux (which is what we’ve been reading in these last chapters).

When he has finished writing his account down, Erik comes to visit him. He is clearly unwell and described as weak, leaning against the wall and “pale as a sheet”. The Persian accuses him of murdering Philippe and wants to know what happened to Raoul and Christine, whether they are dead or alive. Erik denies murdering Philippe, but the Persian doesn’t believe him. We don’t really know the truth though, so the “murder mystery” has no definite resolution and turns into more of a side note.

Erik tells the Persian that he is about to “die of love” for Christine. As I’ve mentioned before, I believe that the most likely physical cause of his death would really be the gunshot that Raoul fired at him, and a possible infection following that injury which would lead to his precarious state of health as seen in this chapter. This could metaphorically also be described as “dying of love” (because he wouldn’t have caught that bullet if he hadn’t been in love).

After turning the scorpion, Christine begged him to save Raoul, and she had already offered before to accept his proposal if he gave her the key to the torture chamber, but Erik did not care then, because he did not believe her. But when she swears to him that she will become his “living wife”, it‘s different as he finally sees in her eyes what he has been hoping to see - Christine’s genuine commitment. She means to go through with her promise and is accepting him as her husband at that moment - and this is why her commitment is powerful enough to break through to him.

According to their agreement, Erik takes the Persian aboveground, but since Raoul probably wouldn’t agree to leave, Erik drugs him and locks him up in the dungeon beneath the fifth cellar. Then he returns to Christine, who stands calmly waiting for him. Erik suddenly feels “shyer than a little child” as he approaches Christine, but she does not back away from him. He tenderly kisses her forehead and is overwhelmed with how good it feels to kiss her, as no woman has ever allowed him to, not even his mother. Christine even leans into his touch a little, and remains close to him after the kiss, „as if it were perfectly natural“.

Fear and disgust are very powerful, primal emotions, but Christine‘s feelings for Erik are strong enough to overcome both. Considering that no one, not even the Persian, was able to even look at Erik’s face without horror, I feel that Christine must have cared very deeply for him, as she allows his kiss without fear and without recoiling from him at all, even after everything he has put her through.

He falls at her feet and starts crying of happiness, and seeing his tears, Christine starts to cry as well. Erik tears off his mask so that he won’t lose any of her tears on his skin, and still Christine shows no sign of horror or disgust. And she doesn’t only allow him to touch her, but she also touches him of her own free will and takes his hand, saying “poor, unhappy Erik”. I feel that this is the moment when the full expanse of his life’s tragedy truly hits her. She is not only the first woman, but the first person in his entire life to treat him with tenderness and acceptance.

Gratitude and love for her overwhelm him and make him realize that he has forced her choice. He puts the gold wedding ring into her hand, setting her free and telling her that he knows she loves Raoul and that she is free to go and marry him whenever she pleases. He „calmly cuts his heart to pieces“ and puts her happiness before his own in this final expression of true love and sacrifice. For as damaged as he was, the ending proves that Erik truly loved Christine because his love is ultimately selfless. There is also no bitterness in his feelings towards Christine after she leaves - he has always loved her, and still continues to love her. He still feels protective of her: “I’d better not hear that anyone has touched a single hair on her head!” Christine gave him “all the happiness in the world”, and he is grateful to her for this gift. His love for her redeems him as a character and proves to be his moral compass - before, he considered himself “outside the human race” and therefore not bound by common moral values.

In the previous chapter, Christine is shown reading what the Persian believes to be “The Imitation of Christ”. I don’t think that is a coincidence, and I also believe that the name “Christine” was perhaps even chosen for her on purpose (she was originally named Pauline, according to Leroux’s manuscript). Christine becomes a “Christ figure” here in two ways: through her sacrifice, she saves the lives of Raoul, the Persian and everyone in the Opera. But she also offers acceptance and love to a sinner, an outcast who has been shunned by society - and this is an extremely powerful gesture. She possessed the strength necessary to see Erik as a human being, and that is what sets her apart from everyone else. Her love here transcends the realm of romantic love and becomes almost divine - all-encompassing, forgiving, healing.

Christine may superficially fit the traditional image of a “damsel in distress”, but the would-be hero who was coming to rescue her didn’t get very far, nor could he do anything to save her. The only hero who saved Christine was Christine herself - and she also saved everyone else: Raoul, the Persian, everyone in the Opera, and Erik. Both Christine and Erik show incredible bravery in this chapter: Christine‘s bravery shows in her truly accepting Erik as a man and in saving Raoul, and Erik‘s bravery consists in letting her go, relinquishing his one chance in his life of having everything he has ever dreamed of.

Erik then goes to free Raoul and brings him to Christine, where Raoul and Christine kiss. Christine swears to Erik that she will come back to bury him with the ring, and then she finally kisses him before they leave.

Seeing Erik weeping and overcome with emotion, the Persian no longer doubts him. Erik tells the Persian that when he feels he is close to dying, he will send the letters that Christine had left with him and a few of her personal objects to him, and that this would be the cue for the Persian to put an obituary notice in the newspaper so that Christine and Raoul would know. Interestingly, that entire arrangement hinged on Erik himself announcing his death without anyone confirming it, because he could only mail things to the Persian if he was still alive. This leaves a lot of blank space for the reader’s imagination, because who knows if he really died…? The Persian, at least, never saw him again, but announced three weeks later that “Erik is dead”.

Next chapter >>

[nyxxhexx]

🌷 April Tarotscopes Readings 🌷

Happy April! Read these tarotscopes for your sun, moon, rising, and Venus signs to see what this month has in store for you 🌫️



Aries

Two of Swords, Reversed

You already know the decision you need to make. You've been pulled between these two choices for a while now, but you've been too afraid to make the one you want to make. The way is clear for change now. No matter how afraid you are, you need to make the decision now or you will find yourself trapped and unhappy in your current situation. Make the choice. Create the change. It's time.



Taurus

The Tower

Big change is coming to you this April, but don't panic. So often the premature panic surrounding the appearance of the Tower card is what does most of the damage. Submit to the change; when things fall apart, it's only so something new can be rebuilt. Big things are coming your way, but your life doesn't have room for them all without clearing out some of the old. Change is good. Change is a natural part of life, so let everything go so you can rebuild something greater.



Gemini

Justice

All that is meant to be will be. All that is meant to pass will pass. You will get what you deserve, one way or another - and you deserve good things. No matter your circumstance, you deserve good things. Just make sure you continue to be deserving of them. Justice is a double-edged sword; lashing out at others unfairly in the meantime won't do you any favors (and might cut much needed ties). You're on the right path, so trust that you will receive what you deserve. Good things will come your way; just wait.



Cancer

King of Pentacles

The wealth you need is coming. It may not come in the expected way, but it is coming. Abundance is yours; peace is yours. Claim it. You will have what you need and more, whether that's through an actual influx of cash this month or the beginning of a new relationship that provides stability. Either way, this month, everything starts to change for you. There will still be struggle down the road, but this is the beginning of the quality of life change you've so desperately needed. Accept it with open arms when it comes.



Leo

Page of Pentacles

Your path isn't over; in fact, it's just beginning. That may feel overwhelming, but see it for what it is: a blank slate of new opportunity. You have the potential for so much growth. You can create this new life for yourself from what you have already been given, so trust the path. Growth is necessary to proceed, so take a quiet moment to ask yourself: What's next? What can be changed, and what needs to be left behind? Abandoning part of yourself may seem terrifying, but in the end, it'll all be worth it. Start your new beginning with joy for what's to come.



Virgo

Six of Wands

This message for you is incredibly urgent: Stop second guessing yourself, or you might find yourself faced with the unintended consequences of your own self-doubt. You are finding success on your path; who cares how other people define it as long as you, yourself, are happy? Trust your instincts. Charge forward with power and faith in what you're doing; nothing can get in your way but yourself.



Libra

Knight of Swords

The time for talking is over; the time for action is now. What's the point of talk if you don't back it up? You can't claim one thing and behave completely contrary to that. That's falsehood, not balance. Keeping the peace doesn't mean taking the path of least resistance, it means doing what's right even when it's hard. Do what's right. Shift your path accordingly; this is your sign for change.



Scorpio

Nine of Wands

You've just begun, and already you're burning out. Don't worry, though: you're far more resilient than even you realize. You have the strength to push through, so finish this out. And whatever you do, don't take on any more projects - you have more than enough on your plate as it is! Finish out what you have before you go back for seconds. I promise there will be time for everything you want to accomplish, so there's no need to rush it all at once. Take your time and finish strong; then, you'll be more than ready to move on to the next chapter. Getting ahead of yourself will only overcomplicate things.



Sagittarius

Queen of Wands

There's a lot of anxiety here, but what's its root? Have more confidence in yourself on this. Trust that you know how to get things done. You already have the inner drive and fire to complete your goals, so what's making you falter? If it's lack of confidence in yourself, it's time to find it; if it's lack of confidence in those around you, maybe you need to change your inner circle. Either way, you know the way forward - all that's left is to take it. Trust yourself; you know what to do next. You've already gotten things started. All that's left is to finish it out.



Capricorn

Eight of Pentacles

You're working so hard towards your goals; don't let up now! You've put in the time and careful, delicate effort towards this, so don't back out at the last second just because you're worried it might not be all you hoped. You're moving towards even better things, so keep working. You'll get there sooner than you think, but if you stop too soon, you might find yourself stopping just short of all you've ever wanted. Keep working; you're almost there!



Aquarius

Five of Cups, Reversed

It's okay to mourn; just remember that not everything is lost forever. There's always a chance to recover what you lost in some form or another. Things don't have to be as they once were. So often, change is for the better, so don't be afraid to take a couple steps back to move forward once more. Remember all you've learned, but don't let the ghost of the past hang over you as you move forward. Change the meaning of the words and find what is forgotten once more.



Pisces

Three of Cups

All will be well. You're going to find the community you've been searching for this April, so open yourself up to the chance to meet new people. Let yourself feel faith in others once more; yes, you've been hurt, but remember that everyone has. Everyone has their own demons. They are no less because of it, and neither are you. Search for function in a friend group rather than perfection. Shallow relationships have their time and place, but that's not what you need right now. Release all that, and look for something real.

Take what resonates and leave what doesn't; let me know what you think! Support like yours is so incredibly valuable to me, so never be afraid to reblog, like, and comment!

If you'd like to support your local bi disabled witch for these Readings, you can check out my blog for other readings and informative posts (including one today on cleansing your tarot deck!) or tip me on Ko-Fi or PayPal!

[morlock-holmes]

@togglesbloggle

A bit puzzled about why you think this experience is so alien, just on the basis of my own lived feelings. Do you really experience "I like <X>" as "I suffer in the absence of <X>"? Let's say I enjoy both aquariums and libraries. I can't be in both at the same time, but does it follow that I'm in a state of suffering because of that? Or that I'm miserable because I'm not typically in either one, except as a fairly rare treat?

That's what I want to know! If you say, "I think we should abolish suffering" it's on you to explain what you mean by "suffering" not on me to figure out what I mean by it.

Seriously, there are like, three people now who have asked me what I mean by "suffering".

I'm not the one arguing the affirmative position here! I've told people and they go, "Oh, that's not a great definition of suffering".

Yeah! I know! It's not on me to keep coming up with new definitions for your words until your arguments make sense, that's the job of the person making the argument!

And that's what I find really frustrating about the way the Slate Star Codex circle talks about ending suffering, and especially their insistence that there is a large group of philosophers who instead support suffering for obtuse reasons.

Here's my contention: No there isn't.

"Abolish suffering" can mean approximately two different things, and those meanings seem, to me, to be used interchangeably:

Reduce the damage, both physical and psychological, such that people are not killed or crippled by physical or mental pain;

Completely rework human psychology from the ground up

"People should actually be killed and crippled by physical and emotional pain, that's a good thing" is an incredibly niche and bizarre philosophical position that is very rarely held or advocated for.

On the other hand:

togglesbloggle

Like, our hypothetical suffering-less person wouldn't say "I prefer Thai but don't care if it's Italian"; that's a contradiction. They'd say "I prefer Thai, but won't be unhappy with Italian", which is a perfectly cromulent and different idea. "Don't care" is the absence of preference, not the absence of misery.

Okay, so lets return to an emotionally fraught example:

I ask the non-suffering person,

"I want to steal all your money, burn down your house, and chop off your legs with an axe."

And our non-suffering person responds with,

"I would prefer you didn't, but I won't be unhappy if you do"

Can you not admit that, if something has not gone wrong here, it has at least gone incredibly weird?

Like, this completely upends everything that we might think about consent-based morality; if nothing I can do can make you unhappy, what basis should I be using to decide between our relative preferences?

Like, if everybody thought this way this would actually destroy utilitarianism as a coherent guide to action because no action I took could cause another person to suffer.

This includes incredibly selfish, short-sighted or destructive actions, I mean, assuming any of those three judgements even make coherent sense, and there's a strong argument that they no longer do.

Would our people who were incapable of suffering replace previous utilitarian philosophies grounded in "Do what causes the least suffering" (By definition totally outmoded, since no action can now decrease or increase suffering) with, what, the virtue ethics or deontology that we demolished when we were working on abolishing suffering?

Or, alternatively, you drop down to earth and argue, "Of course I have some amount of negative feelings when my preferences aren't met, they just never rise to the point where they stop me from thriving" in which case, yeah, basically no philosopher I've ever heard of has argued against that as a goal.

Ultimately, my point is that there's this incredibly annoying dance where people say, "Eliminate suffering" but whenever you try to explain what you think that means they go, "Oh, no, that's not what we meant by suffering" but they don't get around to telling you what they do mean.

There's a post from a couple of years ago which I was reminded of and wanted to add to today, about nobody wanting to take the supplicant role in courtship, but it's unrebloggable due to some constraint the OP put on it, so I'll just quote my bit:

Being attracted to someone is distressing. I think the largest part of it is hunger to know someone (?); but when you can’t get to know them well, it ends up a stunted obsession: all that drive-to-know - enough to build a deep, detailed model of another personality - chewing over scraps of phrases and trivial actions, until you’re snappishly bored with your own mind. Your skin feels hungry and there’s nothing you can do about it: “touch starvation” is a phrase that comes to mind. The person’s absence and their presence both hurt: absence obviously, presence because once you’re there you find that there’s still distance, you still miss them. It’s rather like homesickness. Courting someone is wretched. It’s frightening and humiliating and full of agonising waiting periods and jarring mood switchbacks. It feels something like being dragged along on a fishhook, with the line attached to another person’s little finger. Liking someone more than they like you is a position of low power. The incentives are to be servile. You have nothing to bargain with: whatever they decide, you agree to with a smile. You always try to sound happy, because that’s what’s most appealing. You give up on areas of confusion instead of trying to understand, because asking questions annoys people and any annoying act pushes you closer to the cliff-edge of losing them. Any small disagreement feels like a large risk, so you distort your own opinions a bit. You can’t be spontaneous; your inner voice is always tallying accounts: how many days since the last message, too few, you mustn’t bother them yet / how many days since you came up with something interesting, too many, they may forget; don’t intrude so much, but simultaneously what have you done for them lately, how can you provide value to justify remaining in their life. It seems bad that we’re like this. I don’t imagine humans are especially badly formed or anything, it’s probably just as subjectively rotten for every animal that does courtship displays. But if anyone eventually makes robots with emotion-like motivational systems, they shouldn’t include anything like attraction. It’s so silly.

I feel like resurrecting this today to celebrate being out of it. In the last two weeks, somebody has given me the double gifts of liking me and of having the generosity to say so, and show so. All I want to do is be glad and be grateful, and try never to cause this person to experience anything described above.

But I stand by the description, it is a correct description, and we are so badly made it is infuriating. @nohoperadio's good post on the tragic stupidity of pain incidentally also works as a discourse on eros: if there'd been any intelligence involved in the design process, distress signals would come with an off-switch! (Hence my blog tagline.) But instead, evolution is a pitiless idiot, love is humiliation, nonviable attachments take years to starve to death, and there is no moral of the story. Absurd. A baboon could design a better emotional constitution.

Delightfully, this week ACX introduced David Pearce ("For centuries, philosophers have praised suffering as a necessary part of the human condition. For decades, David Pearce has told those other philosophers that they are bad and wrong"), who is doing his best to make a better emotional constitution available, and I approve of such a project so highly that it's been necessary to stack new levels of approval above my previous maximum to encompass how right he is. It's really exciting that any intelligent and active person considers progress of this sort possible and is working on it.

[everythingsinred]

Let's Talk About NatsuMikan: Natsume (pt. 6)

Last time, we talked about Natsume's growing crush on Mikan. As the festival continues, his feelings will only grow. Today we'll discuss how these new feelings will affect him, and particularly how they have the potential to create tension in his friendship with Ruka.

Chapter Twenty-One

Mikan is guilty for not having already gone to Iinchou’s haunted house in the latent ability class area. So they end up going together. Although Mikan is easily distracted and wants to try everything in the latent area, Natsume is strict on going straight to the destination with no tangents.

Iinchou lets them in right away without having to wait in the hour-long line. Mikan puts on airs about being a country girl and, just like she’s unafraid of bugs, she’s also not afraid of ghosts. Except she totally is.

Ruka and Natsume don’t seem particularly scared of the haunted house so far, but Mikan is, and she clings to Ruka, desperate not to be left behind, even if it means she hurts him with her grasp.

The person who posted these TokyoPop scans forgot a couple pages so for the longest time the beginning of the chapter was so confusing to me...

Natsume looks behind to see them and is jealous, yet again. Just like with Tsubasa, Natsume is unhappy with his fate to be the bad guy in general. He goes out of his way to look bad to protect people and as a result will not be the one clung to. It’s different from Tsubasa though, because this isn’t some nameless middle schooler that Natsume can take his anger out on: this is his best friend, somebody he’s never felt anything but affection for. Natsume doesn’t want to hurt Ruka; he’s just sad that the situation is so messed up.

Lucky for Ruka, Natsume gives up before there can even be a competition.

It’s for the best this way, after all. For Ruka to be happy, for Mikan to be with somebody kind who deserves her, and even for him, because maybe this way Mikan won’t be used against him like everybody else he cares about.

Natsume makes this decision without talking to anybody and before anyone can even figure out that there’s a choice to be made in the first place.

Then they run into a crawling hag and nobody’s immune to the terror that being chased after by that demon brings. All three of them run for it, but they end up in a new spooky room, which freaks Mikan out so much she screams and faints, foaming at the mouth, causing Natsume to fall and twist his ankle and for Ruka’s rabbit to run off. He chases after it, leaving Natsume and Mikan alone. Iinchou breaks whatever causes the electricity to run in the building and now they’re trapped alone in the dark, unable to get out.

Mikan tries to figure out a way for them to escape, but climbing the wall is out of the question since Natsume’s ankle is twisted. He suggests that he blow up the wall, but Mikan is adamantly against that idea because the latent students worked hard to make the mansion. Natsume acquiesces. That’s fine. He doesn’t mind spending more time with her. It just means she’ll have to stay in the dark for longer.

She is very clingy when she’s scared, and although he complains he doesn’t really make any moves to get her off. I mean, why would he? This is exactly what he wanted, though he did only get it because he was the only person around that she could cling to. There’s a moment where he spooks her, perhaps so she would hug him more, but then she whines for him to stop scaring her and the panels are quite sparkly. Natsume is distressed about his new crush and the effect it has on him. Really her whining and puppy-dog eyes are not any less powerful on Natsume than they are on Ruka. He’s just better at hiding it.

He looks at her softly and then has a moment where he looks almost peeved to have felt so fond at all... but it won't last. These days he has more affection for her than irritation.

Mikan tries apologizing about getting angry with him at Anna’s cafe, but he pretends like he has no idea what she’s talking about. To me, this cements that Natsume wants to look bad to her in particular. He doesn’t really want her to figure out that he’s kind deep down or that he’s selfless 99% of the time. He doesn’t want her to think he cares at all because it’s best for him to continue being the same jerk he has been for the past twenty chapters. He’s okay with her hating him, because that way she won’t become the new Ruka, used by the academy as a pawn to get him to jump through more hoops.

She tries to make him smile and that’s another big deal. Most people think Natsume is cool for being so unaffected. His fans think he’s the man, a tough guy who frowns all the time. Even Ruka’s approach to this issue was to stop smiling too.

Mikan’s approach is to tell jokes.

Of course, it doesn’t work, and the jokes aren’t any good, but Mikan is trying something nobody else has done: instead of looking up to him or going down to his level of misery, Mikan’s trying to lift him up. She wants him to smile and be happy and that sets her apart. She’s immature and childish and that brings out the childishness in him too. And like I mentioned a while ago, childishness in Natsume is a good thing. With her, he can bicker and argue and tease like he used to before he came to the academy. She has no idea what he’s going through and her mood changes so quickly she can’t even stay mad or upset. She’s just a joyful and loud girl who rubs off on everyone she meets and Natsume is far from being an exception.

He can just mess around like a kid for once. He doesn't have to be serious around her all the time.

Thus, the next important thing in regards to analyzing their relationship is that the last page of the chapter has him teasing her and then smiling at her reaction. We’ve only seen Natsume smile twice before: with Youichi for a brief moment, and then with Ruka on the cover for Chapter Sixteen (Natsume's evil smile when Mikan gets bullied by middle schoolers doesn't count as a real smile). This officially adds Mikan to the incredibly short list of people who can make Natsume smile. She’s angry with him, arguing, but being able to let go of all his darkness and just tease a girl and have her act with such strong emotions is enough to make him happy. And that’s what this is: Natsume is happy.

Chapter Twenty-Three

The musical creates some tension between Natsume and Ruka, as expected, because liking the same girl can make rifts between friends. On the other hand, this isn’t your typical love triangle. Usually in love triangles, the two guys are already positioned against each other. Though Natsume and Ruka may be opposites in many ways, they are not rivals at all. They love each other, and that love is not at all damaged by the conflict of falling for the same girl; it just becomes tense between them.

In fact, the beginning of the chapter has some Class B pals eagerly going backstage to find Ruka before the somatic ability class musical. When they find him, Natsume is the only one to not laugh at or tease him, and seems to be the only one really concerned with Ruka’s feelings about being cast as Snow White.

When the sticky ball incident occurs, there’s a lot more damage done than there is in the anime. In the anime, some cast and crew get stuck, but ultimately nobody was in any real danger of being hurt. In the manga, there were potentially catastrophic consequences for the blast and a lot of equipment got damaged in the process. A somatic child playing one of the seven dwarves is about to be hit by a stagelight when Natsume rushes to get him out of the way, resulting in them getting stuck together. If Natsume hadn’t stepped in, that kid could have gotten really injured, at least.

As a result of Natsume’s heroism, Narumi suggests that he dress up as a forest friend. When Natsume refuses, the child is to be kicked out of the play, and the seven dwarves will be changed to six. Natsume sees the kid pout and with absolutely no more need for convincing he goes to get changed into a cat outfit.

This is noteworthy because the cat outfit is humiliating (not that Natsume hasn’t worn similar things in official art… just saying) and it’s something he truly does not want to do, but he does it, even though he doesn’t even know the kid. It’s some random somatic kid, not Ruka or Youichi or even Mikan, and yet he goes out of his way to do something truly selfless so that the kid can perform what he’s practiced. Natsume is kind in quiet ways, and not just with the people he cares about. Like with Anna, Natsume puts the needs of someone he isn’t close to in front of his own reputation.

Now, Natsume is in a horrible mood, embarrassed to be seen in the costume, and Ruka is confused why he’d even bother, until he sees the smile on the little kid and everything snaps into place for him. Mikan is a very intuitive and emotional girl who can sense things about all sorts of people, but when it comes to Natsume, nobody knows him better than Ruka, who can tell right away the motives for any of his actions.

I work at a restaurant and kids Natsume's age will be like, "I don't want a kids' menu" and act all grown up and then see how big the adult portions are, so they end up eating the Cub Pancake anyway LMAO. Do you want extra whipped cream and chocolate chips, Natsume?

Onto the actual NatsuMikan portion of this analysis, at long last, Mikan is overjoyed to see how adorable he is in his costume and she is the only one who won’t hold back from saying so because she’s not scared of him. I’ve seen someone complaining that Natsume says “Don’t call men cute,” but I always found that line funny because Natsume is a literal ten-year-old boy… He is not a man at all. It’s the sort of thing you’d expect a kid to say, especially one who wants to be a grown-up as soon as possible, which makes the line endearing to me, but that’s my personal feelings about it. (Like the above caption, I find it very amusing when little kids pretend they're all grown up.)

Anyway, Natsume is as much an idiot as he is in the anime, volunteering Mikan to be the prince, even using one of his three wishes to make it happen. This is all motivated by his feelings of humiliation, and he’s taking it out on her, arguing that he doesn’t want to wear the outfit for no reason so the show has to go on no matter the cost--but this will bite him in the ass sooner rather than later.

Chapter Twenty-Four

The chapter begins and Mikan is very nervous about playing the prince, particularly about looking the part as she is very uncomfortable with her hair down.

This is actually the first time we see Natsume’s feelings about it, but he’ll only make it more clear in about ten more chapters. Here, Mikan wonders if she should put her hair back up and Natsume snaps, “No!” before walking away in a huff. It’s a small scene, and it’s even told through tiny text, but it’s enough to let any reader paying attention know that Natsume also thinks Mikan looks cute with her hair down. Yes, he’s embarrassed to have said anything, but that doesn’t mean he didn’t say it.

Don't worry about him, he's just in a bad mood.

Natsume mainly observes, and nothing noteworthy happens. He eventually goes and gives his line and his aura alone is threatening enough to discourage anyone from laughing or “aww”ing.

The next important moment is when Mikan sees the stage direction to kiss the princess directly on the lips. Narumi says it’s because he’s trying to make up for the loss of sizzle due to the accident, but knowing him, there’s probably more to it. Naru likes stirring the pot and causing drama, although I can hardly tell what his motives are half the time. Truly, I believe he is the most mysterious character in the whole story.

Natsume does not allow this to happen, so he throws something at Mikan’s head--some random box thing--and Hotaru shuts off the lights.

Natsume does something kind of selfish here. He didn’t want them to kiss, so he stopped it. The fact that he grabbed the first thing he saw meant it was a sudden choice to chuck it. I wonder if he had any intentions of just toughing it out and dealing with it, but eventually jealousy won out and he did the selfish thing.

When I say selfish, I don’t mean “bad”. I just mean that for once Natsume is acting based on what he wants, rather than what will make somebody else happy. When it comes to this kid in particular, I actually want him to do selfish things more often, because he very rarely does. He’s been selfless and heroic enough for one day, having saved a kid from getting injured and then wearing that embarrassing costume. He’s allowed to have done this one thing for selfish reasons.

It’s not like it was a bad thing to do either. It would have only benefited Narumi, and possibly the somatic class to have a spicy musical kiss, but it wouldn’t have been good for Ruka or Mikan. Having their first kiss under such conditions, especially when Mikan was just doing the class a favor by acting in the play to begin with, would have been sad. Natsume essentially saved her from the consequences of his own actions, because it would have been his fault if they’d had no choice but to go through with it.

Moreover, like I said earlier, Ruka can simply tell what Natsume’s motives are from a single look. It’s more obvious in the anime, of course, but I still think manga!Ruka is aware that Natsume intervened. He knows Natsume better than anybody, and he’s too smart to think that box came out of nowhere.

This is just the beginning of a long-standing tension between them, one that they will dance around and pretend isn’t happening for quite a while before actually addressing it properly. For now, they have undiscussed feelings and jealousies that will go unchecked and unresolved for some time, building an even deeper divide between them. After all, Natsume and Ruka have enough of a gap on account of Natsume’s missions and his general feelings of not being able to fit in with anybody. This only broadens the gap.

Chapter Twenty-Six

The dance will be very fun to analyze from Mikan’s perspective, but we’re not nearly finished with Natsume’s, so that will have to wait.

For now, we’ll discuss Natsume’s softening, which Permy points out bitterly on account of being surrounded by closet fans. Previously, she says, they were terrified of him, and why wouldn’t they be? We talked ad nauseam about Natsume’s first thirteen chapters of misery and coldness. He was a scary and unkind guy, definitely unapproachable. Even his admirers in Class B were scared of him, equal parts affection and terror. In a very short time, Natsume has softened and it’s obvious. He even dressed as a cat for the somatic musical! His reputation for being cold and dangerous is softening and the girls who used to fear him are now flocking to him to ask if he’s willing to accept their last dance proposals.

But with all this talk about romance and dancing, Mikan feels left out and can’t relate. Her frustrations only grow when some girls start gossiping about her and she ends up taking it out on Natsume, saying she would never ever wanna dance with Natsume for the last dance. He brushes this off, but he still pouts, obviously affected and a little hurt. Their relationship was on the rise, after all. They were starting to hang out more and were bickering often, something Natsume doesn’t make a habit of doing with most people. But just because Natsume is feeling more fondness for her, that doesn't mean she feels the same way.

He expects this in some way, of course, because it's partially his intention. He expects that she would only tolerate him after everything that happened with them, but that doesn't mean he likes the feeling of rejection.

They're so cute when they pout!

Having a crush is bad enough, but hearing that girl shout that she’d never wanna go out with you is even harder, even if you were maybe purposefully making her angry with you to try and protect her. It would be a tough emotion to bear, especially for a kid unversed in romance. He proceeds to be just as huffy as her.

And as twisted as it is, I’m happy for him.

Natsume was cold and mean and difficult to talk to before he fell for Mikan. Now he’s way more approachable and expressive, willing on occasion to show an emotion that isn’t rage, like hurt or grumpiness or amusement. He can now sit at his desk and pout, something he wasn’t doing before, like a kid throwing a fit.

At the actual dance, Natsume is still hurt, still pouting. It doesn’t help that Mikan glares at him upon spotting him. It’s interesting to see how much this affects him. One girl said something harsh in the heat of the moment and he is taking it so personally. Of course, he gets hurt or angered by many things. Upperclassmen bully him and call him a murderer and he simply uses his alice on them to shut them up. He keeps his face straight, moves on, and forgets it. Naturally, the hurt and resentment sit there in his gut to torment him, because he’s a kid and they’re awful things for anyone to hear, but he’s not acting like that here. Here, he’s grumpy and pouty. His feelings are hurt but they don’t come with urges to punish like being called a murderer does.

And it’s obvious he has no genuine hard feelings because Natsume then shoves Ruka onto Mikan, since Ruka was being transparent about his gaze. He goes on to dance with someone else, anyone else, because Mikan made it clear that she too would rather dance with anyone else, just as long as it wasn’t him. He’s clearly still in a bad mood, though.

He's so used to not getting what he wants that he will do all of Ruka's work for him, so that Ruka can get what he wants.

Later, when Mikan and Natsume are singletons in the middle of the dance floor, they notice each other. Here would be a perfect opportunity to dance, but she made it clear she hated the idea, and he’s not about to embarrass himself to ask. Hence, he huffs again, pouting because there’s no way he’ll ask her to dance once she’s said such harsh things. They stand in silence for just a moment, until he finds some other girl to dance with and leaves Mikan all alone.

They’re both grumpy over the way they’re being treated by the other. Natsume is being immature and petty with his feelings, almost childish (heehee it's all I want for him!). With all the dark and depressing divide between Mikan’s academy life of fun and laughs and Natsume’s life of secret missions and physical abuse, he’s somehow found a way to wedge himself into hers. He’s taking something so minor so seriously. He’s been on the front lines, used his alice to hurt enemies and been hurt by enemies and dangerous ability types alike. He is literally dying and he’s aware of it! But he’s still pouting because the girl he likes was a little mean to him.

But the dance with the girl obviously wasn’t much fun, because Mikan quickly finds him again, away from the party, along a secluded path by some trees. He’s in a pouty mood and obviously needs some time alone with his thoughts.

It shows that he’s done some thinking because he doesn’t even mention her angry words from earlier.

Instead, he just calls the whole festival stupid.

We’re reminded here of a scene from way before they liked each other, when the festival was first announced. Then, she also found him playing with a dog, all on his own, using anger to mask his feelings of hurt. He said the same thing back then, that the whole thing was stupid and it was dumb to get all worked up about it. He’s doing it again now, but it’s a little different this time. Their relationship has changed, improved. They actually care about each other now, and although Natsume starts off just talking through his anger, he eventually turns honest.

The truth is that these periods of childishness will always have to end. It’s just an extended version of the dodgeball game. No matter how much emotion he puts into these experiences, they will be overshadowed by his real life. Now matter how much fun he has, he will always have to stop smiling and go kill himself on Persona’s orders. And even more honestly, the more fun he has, the harder it will be on the people he has fun with. It’s not enough for the ESP and Persona that Natsume completes his missions and does all his work; they find pleasure and relief in his constant misery. The second he cares about something, they use it against him. His joy is never meant to last and will always have consequences for the people he loves.

I hate tumblr's 10 image limit. I hate it. I despise it. I abhor it. I cannot come up with a caption. So instead I'll say again. I hate the 10 image limit.

And so he explains, for once, that he’s simply different from everyone else. The festival is something that doesn’t belong to him. He’s merely been an observer this whole time. He’s never actually been a part of it. And then he tells her that she should stay in the light, stay out of the dark. He calls her naive, but it’s not as much an insult as it used to be.

She is childish and loud and optimistic and annoying and a little sweet and even though he hated all these things about her before, he now realizes that these traits are things to be protected. The more she mingles with him, the darker her life will be. After all, her light is not the only thing that’s contagious: his darkness rubs off on people too, and in his mind it will only hurt her to be involved with him. She should stay in the light--in the shiny, sparkly side of the manga, where everyone is concerned with sports and coming up with ideas for the festival--and keep out of the dark--where there’s murder and blackmail and danger and death. It’s bad enough he can’t keep Youichi or Ruka out of it: Youichi is already in the DA class and Ruka came running after him. He can’t distance himself from them. The most he can do is protect them and raise their star ranks or keep them off of dangerous missions. But with Mikan he has a chance to really protect her, prevent her from being used against him at all. Ideally, she’ll stay away and he won’t need to worry about her as much.

And he wants her to be safe and gone, so when she asks what he means, he changes tactics and decides to be rude and mean instead, telling her to get lost and insulting her. She gets angry and it almost seems like it’ll be another bickering match, where they will both be childish and hurl insults at each other, but he doesn’t take that path.

She is complaining about how he doesn’t seem to know that she has a name, thank you very much--and then he calls her Mikan. He concedes to her demands. He does what he perceives to be the mature, adult thing, ending the argument so she will leave for good. When she has nothing left to argue about, she will have no choice but to walk away, and she does, once he makes it clear that his last command is for her to stop complaining about what he calls her.

Natsume chooses to do the selfless thing again, and gives up the first thing in a long time that made him happy. He barely had any time with her at all, but he lets her go, because she can only continue to be sunny and cheerful away from him. He’s giving up before anyone can tell that something was around for him to give up.

He has no idea how much one word has affected her.

Conclusion

Natsume is a selfless kid. He gives up on what he wants very easily, but especially because he knows that the second he gets what he wants, those things could be destroyed, just by association with him. He just wants the people he loves to be happy, even if it means he could never be.

In the next segment, we'll talk about what Natsume is willing to do to protect Mikan, even if it means being cruel and hurting her. NatsuMikan is the living embodiment of the "break her heart to save her" trope, and I very much adore that trope with my whole heart, so we're going to be having a LOT of fun with the next essay!

Also, disclaimer: I'm not smart. I refuse to take responsibility for any mistakes I make in these essays. There also are no mistakes. I've never misspelled a word in my life.

<- Previous Next ->

[fowlblue]

So the gc was talking about AF OCs yesterday, and I realized that out of those I’ve currently got I’ve only drawn one of them- of course, I had to remedy that.

So here’s Floyd (you’ve seen him before), Dale, and Sterling!

Floyd:

- I explained his history a lot in more detail here, but to summarize it, he’s an old acquaintance-turned-enemy of Fowl Senior’s, who happens to come from a similar old-money background as the Fowls.

- He’s ultimately unhappy with the life of a crime lord, as his dedication to his own family business eventually pushed his wife and son out of his life entirely. He believes the lifestyle of ‘old crime families’ should die out in their entirety- one of the main reasons he has for loathing Fowl Senior.

- Strong sense of justice, and what’s right and wrong.

Dale:

- Jon Spiro’s older brother

- Remained in their hometown when Jon decided to move to the city- he was never one for the spotlight, and believes Jon’s ambitions are going to get him killed someday (if his vices don’t kill him first).

- Works in IT, and is a happy family man with his wife and daughter.

- Estranged from his brother entirely after Spiro made a drunken fool of himself at Dale’s wedding, with their argument eventually coming to blows. They were never close as children, and a lifetime of petty disagreements, misplaced blame, and family drama outside of both of their control culminated in the fight.

- Intimidatingly quiet at first, but genuinely good-natured and he warms up to others quickly.

Sterling:

- Artemis’s grandfather!

- His reign as head of the Fowl Family is considered a ‘dark’ period, seeing as it was a time of more violent, vengeful crime.

- Did not want children, only had Fowl Senior because he needed an heir. Sterling was an incredibly cruel (and occasionally violent) parent and the resulting damage he inflicted on his son would inadvertently impact his grandson’s childhood as well.

- Only met Artemis twice, and was somewhat disappointed to find his grandson had inherited his father’s cunning and his mother’s compassion.

- Probably haunting Fowl Manor.

[newvegascowboy]

apologies if you’ve already talked about this, but I’m curious about Red’s memories. How much did they remember post-goodsprings? Did they know they had been in the Legion? (if not then when did they realize?) You mentioned in a tag recently that they got their memories back at some point. How did that happen? Was it all of them or just some?

Sorry if that’s a lot of questions i’m just endlessly curious about them sjfjskd. one of my fav fallout OCs of all time

😭😭😭 ahh thank you!! I'm glad you like my funky little courier so much 💖 this will be kind of a wordy reply, so forgive me

Red remembers nothing after waking up in Goodsprings. Pretty much a blank slate. They start to pick things up, like feelings and impressions, but nothing substantial. The things they remember are relegated to certain very strong memories, such as being branded, a very important death and blood on their hands, and something burning. Its enough for Red to infer that they probably didnt live the happiest or gentlest lifestyle.

They know they were related to the Legion in some way thanks to the brand on the back of their neck, but Red thinks that they were a slave, not a Legionary. After Cecelia finds them in the old mormon fort, she clears up a lot of the story in terms of Red's role in the Legion, how they escaped, and what happened after. Red has trouble coming to terms with the fact that they used to be a Legionary, but isnt bothered so much by the outlaw bit of their past, except maybe finding it inconvenient that they're working with the NCR while the NCR has a warrant out for them.

Red is really adverse to learning pretty much anything about their past. They feel constantly at war with themselves, like an interloper in their own body. It's not their body, not their face, it belongs to Jack Castillo - someone Red doesn't even remember. Regardless of how unhappy they are and how little time they've really been them, Red doesn't want to lose themselves to a stranger.

OWB is when Red gets their memories back completely. When their organs were removed, the Think Tank did some repairs on the damaged tissue (as well as replacing Red's left eye with a mechanical prosthetic). Red spends a majority of the time incredibly disoriented and almost dissociative, unable to separate Red from Jack, or vice versa. In the end, Red accepts that things have changed. The acceptance and fusion of their memories is incredibly cathartic. Red still feels uncertain about pretty much everything, but they're no longer afraid of their past, and it enables them to become a much more stable person.

[medusinestories]

Aaa Miranda is in this ep and so of course this got Long!

Black Sails, III (S1 ep03)

- I just LOVE the domestic scenes of Flint waking up at home, surrounded by white crisp linen, wearing an oversized shirt, and going straight to a pot of something that smells good (I'm guessing it's tea or a spice he intends to use afterwards). And also how, outside of the rough life at sea, he's actually delicate, wincing when Miranda tends to him a bit roughly.

- I think a reason why I didn't really understand Miranda on my first watch is because she's sulking in a very cool/restrained way in these scenes. She's relieved that Flint's back, but finds small ways to put him down (commenting on the blood on her floor, chiding him for not telling her about the wound, stinging him with disinfectant) that express that she's not altogether happy with him/his behaviour.

- In the meanwhile, Flint's back to being Captain Oblivious. In spite of Miranda's little digs he's so smug about having found the schedule that he doesn't notice that she's unhappy. It's only when she doesn't jump for joy when he gives her the Middleton book that he cottons on that she’s not in a great mood.

- Also, I'll die on the "Flint is bi" hill, and to me the way Flint looks at Miranda when she's fixing his bandages is not only smug but also seductive - she’s the one who’s not receptive in this moment. But the fact that Miranda talks of "having you all to myself" in the same conversation also suggests that their relationship is (still) romantic/sexual. (and while I’m on my unpopular opinion spree, I don’t want to hear anything about “straightbaiting”: reducing Flint and Miranda’s relationship to a trick used by the creators to make the audience think Flint is straight is deeply disrespectful of whatever these two characters share)

- We get to see a lot of Silver writing out the contents of the stolen page, and boy is he proficient with a quill and ink. Where/how/why did a little thief he learn to read and write? This definitely isn't the typical education of a London orphan.

- "Don't torture me, my pain threshold is very low, and I'd say anything to make it stop"... so Silver is threatening to be incoherent and/or inaccurate under torture? A pretty weak argument when faced with someone who wants to torture you for information. And this reminds me that Gates (and Flint, and Billy though he looked very ill at ease) was ready to torture Max in the previous episode to get information, though he presented it as a last resort. And yet here Flint snorts and walks away when Billy suggests torture decides to take Silver along with their crew. So how is Silver different from Max, here? Could it possibly be related to the fact that he and Flint eyesex stare at each other all through the conversation, hmm?

- Back to Breaking Billy: Billy wants to do everything in his power to prevent the crew from finding out that Silver is the actual thief, imo mostly because he doesn't want the crew to find out that he lied to them about Singleton. Billy is shown to be a terrible liar: when he brings Silver to Randall, saying Silver lost a bet to him, Randall immediately tells him that there's no betting onboard, catching him out and putting him in an awkward situation. Gates also warned Billy off canvassing to find out if the crew is still angry with Flint, and was quite right: Morley and Turk immediately figure out what he's doing. However, by the end of the episode, he also uses his reputation of being honest to convince Morley that Singleton was, indeed, a thief. I wonder how he feels about using his reputation of honesty to cover up a lie.

- In the meantime Silver actually does what Billy was trying to do very badly: he finds out who's still against Flint. Unlike Captain Oblivious, Silver has somehow intuited that Billy needed to find the dissenters, possibly because he's figured out that Billy hates keeping up the lie. In any case, he plays double agent in order to gain Billy’s trust (perhaps a bad strategy to gain an honest man’s trust... just saying).

- Hornigold, after an incredibly pompous tirade about the noble origins of the chair he’s sitting on, has the gall to call Flint arrogant and presumptuous. Apparently, arrogant and presumptuous is the kind of people who Gates is friends with/drawn to. I also can't help but wonder why Gates believes that Hornigold's crew knows and trusts him and that it'll be easy for him to captain them. I wonder if Hornigold used to have Gates as a Quartermaster, pre-Flint. The fact that Hornigold tells Gates that he's starting to speak like Flint, in a reproachful tone, could also  be a clue.

- Gates' advancing age is a major subject in this episode, with Hornigold saying that Gates is one of the rare people who's actually getting dumber with age, and Rackham playing on Gates' doubts about his physical condition and mental alertness to convince him to enrol Vane in their capture of the Urca. Gates himself mentioned previously that he doesn’t plan on pirating all his life. Interestingly, Flint doesn't once suggest that he has any doubt about Gates’ ability to captain a ship, and I really don’t think he has (both a sign of great trust, but also a Captain Oblivious trait, as he’s seemingly blind to Gates’ anxiety and possibly the reality of Rackham’s comment about Gates’ physical condition).

- In this episode, Miranda hands her copy of Meditations to Richard Guthrie. Some people have asked why she'd hand something so revealing about Flint to someone like Guthrie. At the point where she gives the book to him, he: 1) doesn't know who she is (she refuses to answer when asked) 2) is supposedly bedridden and being guarded by an armed man, and therefore 3) wouldn't be able to guess who "T.H." is with the information that he currently has. She didn't expect Richard Guthrie that would be a sneaky bastard who was less wounded than he appeared to be and who’d go snooping around her house at the first occasion (btw, snooping parallel: Guthrie in Flint’s house finds out personal information and Silver in Flint’s cabin finds out strategic information). I think that what Miranda wanted was to have someone she could talk to about Meditations, a book that she, her husband, and Flint had all enjoyed, and that she likely couldn’t share with Flint anymore because it’s too painful a subject for him.

- Which brings me to Miranda's situation: her loneliness and the precariousness of her life is already framed quite clearly in this episode. The pastor sends spies to watch her house when Flint is around, and openly asks her to join his congregation so that he can save her from Flint and the impending arrival of the Navy. In the meantime, the crew believe she's at the centre of Flint's "evil": some believe that she's a witch who controls Flint, and Morley tells Billy that she's the reason why Flint treats the crew like pawns.

- The whole Flint/Gates workplace comedy scenes never fail to crack me up. Flint laughing at the suggestion Vane should captain the second ship, followed by "you're serious", and Gates doing damage control in a very restrained tone at first, then the second time screaming insults at Flint... just... *chef's kiss*

- Rackham is shown to be incredibly devious and persuasive in this episode. He manages to convince Gates to convince Flint to take on his worst enemy as a work partner (in a moment when he's getting into Gates' head, he goes as far as to imitate his Yorkshire accent!). He's also extremely aware that Vane isn't all that interested in money, but definitely interested in what Eleanor will think of him. I’d also note that if someone is callous about Max in this episode, it’s him: he sends Vane to “deal with her”, expecting him to kill her off.

- As much as we know that Flint's "tough captain" behaviour is partly an act, we tend to forget that Vane is also shown to be keeping up appearances in order to remain a leader of an extremely difficult/unruly crew. I didn't address the punch in the face he gives Eleanor in ep 1, but he explicitly says this was to avoid losing face in front of his men after she punched him. The same goes for the capture/beating/rape of Max: "what you did required an answer", he tells her. But then chooses to secretly set her free rather than rape/kill her as he’s expected to do. He's obviously smitten with Eleanor, and is the one who initiates tender moments after sex. This is why I can never really dislike this ship, because it's between two very damaged people who are at odds mostly because they’re in a power struggle where they each have to look strong/powerful.

- I hate hate hate the whole Max-rape plot, as I'm sure most of the fandom also does. I do get that Max is furious with Eleanor, and possibly extra-furious because Eleanor instantly turns saving Max from Vane's crew into a strategic move where she punishes Vane (ironically, the one who wanted to let Max go) by forcing Vane’s crew into joining Flint, rather than focusing on, say, Max’s wellbeing. But "Max wants to hurt Eleanor/is hurting from the breakup so badly that she willingly submits to being raped/beaten by the crew, AGAIN"... hrm. I have trouble connecting this self-destructive side of Max's personality with the character we see after her ordeal. Again, opinions welcome because I may be missing/misunderstanding something, but I feel like the writers didn’t really know what they were doing with her character at this point.

[mochegato]

Giving Up On You

For the Jasonette July Pit Madness prompt.  This is the first idea for a fic I ever had and the first I started writing.  Not the first finished by any means, but definitely the first started.

 Looking at pictures on the wall of her cozy apartment felt like a warm embrace. In the center was the picture Adrien had taken after her first fashion show.  Jason had picked her up and twirled her around as he hugged her in triumph.  Her eyes were shinning as she smiled staring into his eyes.  They hadn’t even started dating yet.  She was so happy and he was so proud of her.  It was right before their first kiss.  Next to it was the picture Tim snuck of them at the manor one day as they relaxed in the library.  Marinette was focused on her sketching while he read, his head in her lap.  His free hand rested on her knee, subconsciously seeking as much contact with her as possible.  On the other side was the picture Dick took of them at a picnic in the park.  Marinette and Duke had managed to convince Tim, Cass, Dick, who convinced Damian, and, of course, him to go for a picnic.  They were all so happy that day, almost like a real family. Marinette was seated between his legs with his arms wrapped around her waist and his chin on her shoulder.  Her head was thrown back in laughter as he beamed in pride at having made her laugh so hard.  The pictures were a testament to how strong and happy their relationship was.

It wasn’t right.  It didn’t match.  The happy couple in the pictures on the wall didn’t match the despondent voice in front of him now.

“Jason, I… I love you.  You… I… you make me feel…” Marinette started quietly, her voice broken.  She looked down for a second before looking back up to his eyes that she knew she wouldn’t meet.  “…like we make each other better and can trust each other, like we have each other’s backs.  You make me feel like I can do so much more than I thought I could because you won’t let me fall. You make me feel… No, that’s it,” she gave a small, sullen smile staring at her hands, “You make me feel.  And I thought I did the same for you.”

He turned and looked at her, looking down before they could actually make eye contact.  He’d been avoiding eye contact for weeks now, rarely meeting her gorgeous blue eyes anymore. If he looked her in the eyes, she would notice how his were changing, how they’d lost their blue hue, slowly turning green.  And he was desperate to save her from that, to preserve her image of him.  Out of the corner of his eye he could see her trembling and straining against it.  Trying to hold herself up, not let him see how hard this was on her.  He did this.

Steeling herself she continued, “But, I… something changed and I don’t know what. You won’t tell me.  It feels like you shut me out.  And I don’t know what happened.” She tried to hold in a small sobbing breath, “Did something happen?  You can tell me, Jay.  I want to help.  I want to be the one there for you, if you want me to, if you’ll let me. Like you have always been for me.”  

She searched for the right words to say.  She didn’t want to make him feel guilty.  She didn’t want a relationship built on guilt.  But she didn’t want to hide anything either.  She didn’t want to walk away and leave things unsaid.  She had done the not telling the other person how you feel thing and she was determined never to make that mistake again.  This was too important.  Jason was too important.  She had to try to save their relationship, if there was anything left to save. She looked away, examining the pictures Jason had looked at earlier for a clue to the right words but they gave her no more information than she had before.  

One last bit of heart wrenching honesty then.  “You’re not… It feels like you gave up on me… on us.” She whispered, finally looking at him again.  She was close enough to brush her thumb across his cheek but felt so, so far away, “It hurts…and I’m starting to give up on us, too.”

Her eyes were pleading, looking for any response from him.  Anything.  A word or a movement. Anything to show she was getting through to him.  She looked at him for any sign of what he was thinking. No, that’s not it.  She was looking for a sign that she was wrong, that he wasn’t giving up on them, that he hadn’t walked away already in all but body.

But he gave no reaction except for furrowing his brows a bit more.  He refused to make eye contact with her, just like each of the few times they’d been together for the past few weeks. She couldn’t remember when the last time she had looked in his eyes was.  God, she missed looking into his eyes.  Now he wasn’t even talking to her.  She wasn’t getting through.  Shouldn’t she be able to? Isn’t that what you do when you’re in love? Figure out how to connect to the person you love.  They had been in love, hadn’t they?  

“Jay, say something,” she begged, a few stray tears breaking through and falling down her cheeks. “…please,” she tried one last time, desperate to get to him the way he had always been able to get to her.  He brought her back from the edge when anxiety made her start spiraling. When she doubted herself, he gave her confidence.  He gave her the world but what did she give him? He was so angry and on edge when she was around him. He was so unhappy and nothing she did made it better. Everything she tried only seemed to make him more upset.  He knew exactly what to do to make everything better for her and she couldn’t help him at all.  She only made things worse.  She looked down at her hands, gaining some resolve to do what she needed to, for him. She couldn’t make things better for him, but she could take this one burden from him, give him one less thing to worry about.

He watched her out of the corner of his eye, broken and shaking, trying not to collapse.  ‘It hurts’ that’s what she said, looking so incredibly small.  That sentence and the way she looked saying it played on repeat in his head as his brows furrowed, anger starting to rise.  He did that to her.  He made her feel that way, doubt herself.  She was strong and brave and kind.  She was bright like the sun.  She could blind you if you stared too long, but she helped everything around her grow, get better, made him grow and get better.  She made him feel like the hero he knew he wasn’t.  She made him feel like he deserved her, but he didn’t.  He knew he didn’t.  All he did was hurt the people he loved.  Sooner or later it was always going to end like this.  Maybe it was better it happened now before he lost control completely and truly hurt her.  He’d been trying to protect her from this.  To keep her at a distance so she wouldn’t get hurt in the fallout.  But it hadn’t worked.  She was still crying.  She still got hurt.  He had still hurt her.  But, she could now walk away.  She could now be happy, safe, away from him.

“So this is it then,” she said almost inaudibly, looking toward him, her eyes glistening with more unshed tears she was barely keeping in, “I know something is going on, Jay.  I wish I could help you.  I wish… I’m sorry I couldn’t reach you.  I’m sorry I couldn’t love you the way you needed.  I hope you find someone who can.  You deserve that.  You’re a good man, Jay.  You deserve so many good things.  I hope you get them.” She reached out to touch his face as he turned his face slightly toward her.  She stopped her hand midway to him and withdrew it, no longer feeling like she had the right to touch him.

He noted the recoiled hand, like a flinch.  She had flinched at him.  He made her flinch.  He made her feel the need to flinch away from him.  He made her afraid.  He nodded as he stood up and turned to the door, coming to a resolution of his own. He needed to leave before the anger and self-loathing turned to rage, before he did something he couldn’t ever forgive himself for. He couldn’t look at her as he walked away.  He couldn’t bear to see what he did to her, but he heard her hit the floor and start sobbing as soon as the door closed behind him. He squeezed his eyes shut, his hands curling into white knuckled fists.

Guilt fed the anger he started feeling since he saw what he had done to her.  Anger turned to rage and the rage started to overcome him, his eyes turning a toxic green. He stalked away, barreling into people, elbowing them out of the way as he searched for an outlet for the rage that had started to control him.  He missed the narrowed, masked eyes watching him from above.

  Jason woke up and looked around with hazy eyes. He was in his old room at Wayne Manor.  “Fuck” he said sitting up and holding his aching head.  He stumbled around the manor looking for someone to tell him how badly he screwed things up this time while he was out of it.

He found Dick eating cereal in the kitchen, feet propped up on the table. Alfred must not be around then, he thought continuing toward the coffee maker.  Dick looked up surprised and dropped his feet off the table. “Hey, how’re you feeling?”

Jason moved past him, ignoring the question.  He couldn’t give Dick an answer he didn’t have. “So how much damage did I do this time,” he asked instead, pouring himself a large cup of coffee.

“Beyond breaking up with Mari, you mean?  Nope, that’s the worst you did,” Dick said shaking his head and giving him a sympathetic look.

Jason stared into his cup.  That was not a conversation he was ready to have.  “How did I get back here?”

“Tim found you barreling your way away from Mari’s place in full pit mode, eyes glowing green so brightly he could see it from the rooftop.  He brought you back so you could ride it out here.”

“Ah,” he said quietly.

“Do you want to talk about it,” Dick asked gently, walking over to Jason.

“Nope,” he said popping the p, refusing to look up from his cup.

“Okay, but if you change your mind, I’m here for you, Little Wing.”

“I’ll be fine,” he said convincing nobody but effectively ending the conversation.

Dick looked at him for a few moments. “Yeah, okay. I’m still here if you need me,” he said walking away. “…when you stop being a masochistic dumbass,” he said quietly but loudly enough for Jason to hear him.

 After a few more days cooped up in the Manor, Jason had recovered enough to go back on patrol.  Even if he wasn’t fully recovered physically, mentally he needed to be back on patrol. He needed to be back out where he could get in a few fights, take a few hits, feel pain because of something other than his own screw ups.  Fortunately, it was a pretty quiet night to ease him back into the routine. Unfortunately, that meant he had nothing to get his aggression out on until a particularly nasty gang fight requiring backup popped up.  With Red Robin’s help, they had taken down the members and turned them over to the police. Even under the mask, he could feel Red Robin’s glare the entire time.  After they returned to the Batcave, Jason turned to Tim to thank him for the assist when he felt a strong, sharp pain in his jaw almost knocking him down.

“Feel better?” He asked grabbing his jaw and tenderly moving it from side to side to assess the damage from the punch Tim had just thrown.

“Oh look, he can talk.  Who knew?” Tim snarled at him angrily.

“Get over it.  It’s done. Move on,” Jason said looking away. “I have.”

“Well yippee for you.  You’re the only one that has.”  He waited for Jason to say anything else but he appeared to have no interest in defending himself.  But Tim wasn’t done.  Jason didn’t get to get off that easily.  Mari would never let him know the damage he had done, but Tim had absolutely no qualms about it.  “You made her feel like she was nothing to you.  You left her without even saying a word, like she wasn’t worth the effort. You made walking away look easy for you, like she was easy to walk away from.” Tim yelled.

“None of this was easy,” Jason grunted pushing past him to walk toward the stairs. “She’s better off.  She’s safer.”

Tim scoffed as he looked away, “whatever helps you sleep better at night, asshole.”

Jason sighed and ran his hand through his hair moving to sit on a stair, shoulders slumping slightly, “She was afraid of me.” He said looking down.  “I never wanted to give her a reason to be afraid of me. I wanted her to feel safe with me, but I failed.  I scared her.”

“What?” Tim growled incredulously.  That did not match the description Marinette had given him. Granted she didn’t give him many details from that night, but being afraid of Jason would have been something she mentioned. “She wasn’t afraid of you.”

“You didn’t see the way she flinched from me right before I left,” Jason said lifting his eyes a bit.

“Mari has never been afraid of you,” Tim assured him gruffly, coming closer.

“She should have been,” Jason huffed out.

“Maybe,” Tim nodded, not denying the claim.  He’d seen some of the damage Jason had done in the grip of the Madness and the thought made him shudder.  “But she wasn’t.”

Jason focused on his hands and furrowed his brows in frustration.  “I can’t hurt her, Tim.  I couldn’t live with myself if I did and we both know I can’t always control myself.  I would eventually.  I can’t drag her into that.  She deserves better.  She is so amazing, so… she is such a good person, like truly a good person with a good, bright heart.  Not like us.” He finally lifted his eyes up to stare at the cave ceiling. “Her smile makes me feel like the world isn’t so bad, you know, like there is hope out there? The only thing I can give her is pain. I can only drag her down to my level in the shadows.”

Tim paused before continuing.  Pep talks were not his area and considering he had just punched him and was still ready to do it again, was he really the best person for this?  Where was Dick when you needed him?  Still out on patrol.  The bastard.  He sighed sitting down next to Jason.  “Yeah, her smiles are amazing, but that brilliant smile you mentioned?  You gave her that smile. That concentrated sunshine smile, the one that makes the world brighter for you, that didn’t show up until a few weeks after I introduced you two and you ‘just happened to’ end up wherever we were working, constantly.  Dude, you weren’t subtle.” Tim shook his head remembering the jokes in the family about having to implement countermeasures in order to hang out with Mari without Jason crashing it.  The plots rarely worked.  Jason always knew how to find Marinette, always.  

“And she gave it to you, too.  A bright… carefree smile.  I’ve never seen you with a carefree smile.  You were happier than I’ve seen you in… ever. And I’ve been watching you since you were Robin.  Hmm, that sounded creepy.  Ignore that last part,” Tim said quirking his lips to the side.  “You two were #relationshipGoals,” he snickered as Jason glared at him.  That made the comment worth it.  “Until you got into your own head and decided you didn’t deserve her and decided to sabotage everything.  Now both of you are in pain.  Such a much better result.”  He playfully pushed Jason’s head down.

He took a deep breath before continuing. “Look, I don’t know if you deserve her.  I probably don’t deserve to be her friend either considering the very real risk of her getting dragged into helping.  But, she isn’t naïve.  She knows what the risks are just as much as we do and she thinks you are worth the risk. The question is do you think she is worth the risk, too.”  Tim paused considering his next words.  When did this become his job?  He was in no way qualified to give love life advice or pep talks, especially to his family.

“Ultimately, what she deserves is happiness and you gave her that,” He smiled lightly at Jason.  “You deserve it too; to be happy.  You know that, right?”  He watched Jason process what he said for a few seconds before Jason shook his head, refusing to think about that right now.

“You need coffee, Replacement. You’re starting to sound like Dick.”

“Oh fuck… we need to end that real quick before I start acting nice to Damian,” he said giving an exaggerated shudder.

Jason gave a small chuckle, “or start sleeping with every willing woman you come across.  I am not interested in that drama again.”

“Yeah, Kon might object to that,” Tim smiled lightly.

Jason snickered quietly with small smile on his lips. “See, that there, that’s the old smile, the Before Marinette smile.  I like the other one on you better.” Tim said patting him on the back and standing up, leaving Jason to think.

  Jason spent the next few hours thinking about what Tim said, weighing the risks.  After a few hours of tossing and turning in bed, not getting any rest, he decided to give up on sleep.  It would not be coming to him any time soon anyway.  He decided he needed a walk to clear his head.  He walked out of the manor doors shortly after sunrise with no destination in mind.  

He wandered around the city for hours.  Was he willing to risk never seeing Marinette again?  Would it really keep her safe if he did?  If he was with her, he had a better chance of protecting her. But he didn’t need to be with her to protect her, right?  But would he be able to see her and not be with her. What would he do if, no when, when she started dating?  He didn’t want her waiting around for him if he wasn’t able to be with her.  He wanted her to be happy.  That was the entire point of this, wasn’t it?  For her to be happy and safe.  And if he was hanging around as Red Hood, there was a higher chance of someone noticing and connecting the two.  So, it was better for everyone if he stayed away completely.

But, would he be able to stay away?  He hadn’t been able to stay away from her for more than a day or two since they had first met.  No matter what he had done, he had always found his way back to her.  Without even trying, he always found her.  It was like his heart sought her out.  She owned his heart.  Totally, completely, all of it.  It belonged to her.  He belonged to her.  He wasn’t exactly sure when that happened.  No, he did remember.  It was the first time he made her laugh, really, truly laugh.  The sound of her laugh made his heart skip a beat and race at the same time.  He loved her so deeply, so completely it scared him.  The thought of losing her though, or hurting her….

He made his decision.  He knew who he was, what he had to do and what he needed to say.  He stopped to look around and figure out where exactly he had ended up.  He found himself outside Marinette’s apartment building.  Of course he did, he realized.  He would always find his way back to her.  It was where he belonged.

He made his way up to her apartment door but hesitated to knock.  He had messed up so badly.  He had hurt her so badly.  Would she forgive him?  Did he deserve her forgiveness?  Did he really have the right to even ask?  He stared at the door, brow furrowed hands clenched.

Before he could work up his courage, he heard a gasp behind him.  He had been so focused on his internal spiral he missed the sounds of Marinette returning home.  The decision had been made for him.  Life was not going to let him chicken out.

He turned face her and met her eyes.  He opened his mouth to tell her all the things he had been thinking and the decisions he had come to, but seeing her dazzling eyes for the first time in weeks only to see them filled with confusion, apprehension, and pain made his knees weak.  God, he had missed her eyes.  He didn’t realize how much until then.  It shook his courage. He had done that to her eyes.  He put those emotions there.  He could no longer find his voice.  He didn’t know the words to use to make her understand how thoroughly he knew he had screwed up.  How he promised to never hurt her like this again.  How he vowed to make sure she knew how deeply he loved her.  How he had pledged his heart to her.  He snapped his mouth shut.

There was too much.  The knot in his throat was too large.  Tears started to form.  The more he tried to talk, the harder it was to talk, the more the tears fell.  She reached her hand out to wipe away the tears but hesitated midway to his face unsure whether it would be welcome.  She started to lower it instead but Jason reached out to gently grasp her hand and pulled it toward himself to bring her closer to him, forceful enough to let her know it was intentional but not so much that she couldn’t easily break away if she wanted to.  He squeezed his eyes shut again and dropped his head in frustration. Too much he wanted to say.  Too much he wanted her to understand.  Too many words and none of them right.  She stepped closer to him and cupped her hands on the sides of his jaw looking up at his closed eyes.  

“Jason?” She questioned timidly.  

He lowered his head more to gently touch his forehead to hers. And opened his eyes to look into her eyes again, the eyes that had always given him hope, the eyes that still shone with love, the eyes that made him want to believe in himself and in them.  “Don’t give up on me,” he said in a broken, desperate voice grasping the cloth at her waist in his fists, “please.”

“I won’t,” she whispered moving so there was no longer any space between them and wrapping her arms around his neck.  She let out a raspy, relieved breath she hadn’t realized she’d been holding since he left.  “Never on you,” she murmured as she laid a gentle kiss on his lips that he desperately returned.

Tag:

@fsketchart @jasonette-july-2k20

[0dirty-deals0]

I love the yandere headcanon you wrote for Asmo! Could you write one for the twins too? Thanks in advance!

YANDERE TWINS HEADCANONS:

Warning: I do not and never will condone abusive behaviour like this, what I'm writing is PURELY FICTIONAL. Contains n/s/f/w. Mc is GENDER NEUTRAL

*Okay so, I personally believe that yandere wise, they're a two for one deal. That's both a good thing and a bad thing. Good thing is that you get twice the love, bad thing is that they love you so much it's suffocating, and that's only for one of them.

*They're very protective of you, it's not uncommon to have both of them by your side. Even if one isn't available they make sure the other is and if neither are available then you aren't going out, plain and simple. Even if you inform them that you HAVE to leave the house they'll try their best to tell you that they're just protecting you.

"Mc, it's very dangerous outside. We don't want you getting hurt."

"Wouldn't it be scary to be killed by someone you didn't know? To be eaten and never found? Don't make us go through that heartache, Mc..."

*They crave your attention constantly and they're very upfront about it. You could be chatting with a demon from your class and once they decide they've had enough of you talking to them they'll try to distract you. Beel often whines about starving and wanting food to get you to follow him and if that doesn't work he just straight up carries you away. Belphie hugs you from behind and while you don't notice it, the demon you're conversing with is terrified when they see Belphie's peeking death glare over your shoulder. If you ask him why the demon left in a rush he'd just shrug and hold you tighter to him.

*Belphie has considered locking you in their room many times and has informed Beel of the idea. While tempting, Beel doesn't want you to be completly locked away. He knows you'd be unhappy with the suggestion and that his brothers would cause a whole fit if that happened. Though, maybe if you push him hard enough he may reconsider.

*Both are very emotionally manipulating. They're skilled in making you feel guilty if you ever do something that displeases them. Belphie is a lot more physical than Beel when it comes to showing his displeasure as well. Though not too much to the point where you fet severely hurt, his grip just tightens to a point where it bruises.

"Mc, please don't leave us. Please don't leave me. Please, I don't want anymore nightmares."

"Ah, your wrists are bruised. I'm sorry, Mc, I'll ask Beel to get some ice, but you really shouldn't be talking too much to Solomon nowadays, who knows what he's constantly planning. I know he's your friend, but aren't we your lovers? We just want to protect you as best as we can."

*Belphie and Beel are possessive of you, but on different levels. Beel only allows you to converse with people he knows and trusts, such as his brothers or the other exchange students. He knows that others enjoy your company too, but he needs to determine who is allowed to be around you. Belpie on the other hand does not want you to converse with anyone but the two of them. It's not to say he doesn't care for his other brothers, but he doesn't trust anyone other than Beel with you (ironic considering he murdered you). He's worried they'll take you away from them, he gets especially pissy if you talk to Diavolo or Lucifer. Beel has to be the one to calm him down and explain to him that you do need to interact with other people to keep (sane) happy.

*They often give you their clothes to wear when you all go out. It serves as a claim from the two of them and I'm sure demons have a heightened sense of smell, so the scent of not one, but two high ranking demons on you is more than a warning sign to back off. Also Beel likes to look at how cute you look in your jacket and Belphie thinks you look even more comfier in his cardigan.

*When you two are cuddling and for whatever reason you need to get up, Belphie will use his charm to slowly lull you to sleep and Beel will contribute by massaging circles into you back. You can whine and complain all you want but eventually you'll always find yourself resting your head on Beel's chest once again. When you're out cold they take this opportunity to hold you even tighter against the two of them. You aren't leaving until they let you.

NSFW:

*Okay so, they have no problem sharing you in bed either let's get that straight out of the way. In fact, they enjoy it a lot when they do share. Beel's eagerness to please and Belphie's lazy but commanding role are a pretry good match.

*Overstimulation is always a must when you're sleeping with Beel, and Belphie likes to tell him what to do to get your screaming and sobbing. You really won't be able to walk for a while and that's fine by them. It means Beel gets to haul you around with a reason and Belphie gets to keep you in bed without the worry of you escaping his grip.

*MARKING! Okay so biting is definitely a demon's favourite thing to do in bed, but since they're absolutely obsessed with you, their marking gets a lot worse. There's not a part of you that isn't covered in large bites. Beel is obviously the biggest fan of marking you and he loves biting your shoulder blade or your neck. His bitemarks on your neck are rather large and hard to hide, they sometimes go in quite deep too. Belphie, true to his lazy nature, enjoys hickies and where he marks depends on how you're all positioned. Wherever is closest to him is the place that will be covered in hickies.

*Okay so, Somnophilia is highkey a thing they're into. Mostly in Belphie's case but Beel guiltily joins in sometimes too. Belphie will put you under an incredibly strong sleeping spell and from there they have fun with how pliant and honest you are when you're unconscious.

*Belphie is lazy when it comes to aftercare but Beel likes it a lot. So Beel is usually the one taking care of you after your activities. They often leave you tired so Beel insists on cleaning you up by himself, gently scrubbing you clean in the shower and giving you soft kisses. After that he, with the help of Belphie, will disinfect any deep bitemarks or wounds they may have left on you. That part of your aftercare session may or may not be Belphie's favourite as he sees the damage him and Beel have done to you. When it's all finished, Belphie will help you to fall asleep using his charm, with or without your consent. He does this to ensure you don't escape their cuddle session in the middle of the night.

Others: Did I just get more yandere asks and this time for my favourite boys? Yes I did~ (Plz keep them coming-) THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR THIS REQUEST! I hope you enjoyed it and if it isn't what you wanted I'll gladly redo it for you! Thank you so much for reading!