#incorrect odyssey

[shebeafancyflapjack]

Young Penelope: *watching a young prince Odysseus hoot to the owl that follows him everywhere*

Young Penelope: Well I can't NOT marry him.

[incorrecthomer]

Menelaus: So, how’s parenthood treating you? Penelope: Good. I didn’t expect this much crying, though. Menelaus: Don’t worry, it’s normal for babies. Penelope: What? The baby’s fine. I was talking about Odysseus. Odysseus, sobbing from Telemacus' room: I LOVE YOU SO MUCH!

[little-cereal-draws]

Penelope: BE A BETTER PERSON! Odysseus: WHY?! Penelope: BECAUSE SOMEONE NEEDS TO HAVE MORALS IN THIS RELATIONSHIP, AND IT SURE AS FUCK AIN'T GONNA BE ME, SWEETHEART!

[godsofhumanity]

Odysseus: "oh no we’re all doomed by the narrative" Odysseus: Maybe you are. I’m the narrative’s favorite. [later] Odysseus: Update: Turns out this is not a good thing for me.

[katerinaaqu]

Athena: Food for thought...

Tydeus: *munching Melanippus's brain* Hm...Ok

Athena: ...

Athena: NO!

*a few years later*

Odysseus: Food for thought!

Athena: *suspicious side look*

[meditando-en-paris]

Suitor *to Telemachus*: You are nobody's child! Odysseus: How do you now that?!

[ditoob]

He just wants to go home

[differentnerddiplomatopera]

incorrect Odydiopen quotes

Odysseus: I’m not casual, I will kill us both. Just a reminder.

Odysseus: What do you mean killing is not an act of devotion?

Odysseus: Gas? I lit that. Gate? I kept that. Girl? I boss that

Penelope: He couldn’t even if he tried.

Penelope: “I could fix him” actually my type of man is the one who commits atrocities in the name of love

Odysseus to Palamedes: if you ever disrespect me, and I was chill about that, your death day draws nigh.

Odysseus: forgive and forget? Hell no, resent and remember 

Penelope: When I go out in public, do people look at me like “omg that girl is so pretty and normal?”

Odysseus: Absolutely

Penelope: Good, the facade still works

Odysseus to Diomedes: Choke me sexually or lethally, I don’t have a preference 

Penelope: I got too excited while playing chess and told my opponent that I was going to slit his throat and slaughter him like a hog. Something to work on for next time.

Odysseus to Diomedes: it is not enough for you to simply be gay for us to build intimacy together; you must also beat me in a game of wits

Telemachus: Father, what is dad doing?

Diomedes: we’re making your dad do a mating dance to do something 

Telemachus: oh? What is he trying to do?

Diomedes: well he is-

Penelope: NOOOOO-NO-NO-NO NO

Diomedes:…..

Telemachus:……

Penelope: Baby I know you can be dense sometimes, so I gotta stop you

Odysseus: can I quit now?

Penelope: Once I heard Diomedes ask Odysseus if something was safe and Odysseus said probably.

Penelope: I have never moved from one room to the other so fast in my entire life.

Diomedes: I am so glad to sleep in an actual bed,

Penelope: (joking) what, were the tent’s that bad?

Diomedes: OMG, let me tell you. Odysseus used to set up alarm systems in our tent today to alert us of people’s presence. Athena forbid, I try to piss, and Odysseus tries to stab me.

Penelope: …

Diomedes: Yeah, the war with your husband was really fucking fun.

Penelope: (snickering)

Diomedes: Oh my- I’m leaving.

Penelope: (Cackling) wait no I’m sorry, come back! 

Young Penelope: I want two boyfriends, and I want the boyfriends to be boyfriends & and I want to be their girlfriend & and I want the boyfriends to take me out on little boyfriend dates where we’re all boyfriends and girlfriend.

Older Penelope: Fucking yessssssssss, let’s gooooooo!

Diomedes: you guys really ruined my plans to brood for the rest of my life and be angsty and sad.

Odysseus and Penelope: (kissing him) yOuR WeLcOMe!!

Odysseus: Penelope, when in the midst of the war, I laid with Diomedes.

Penelope: Boy, if you don’t spill the tea right the fuck now

Odysseus: Bitchhhhh, I got you

Penelope: I need details, be very descriptive 

Odysseus: Ok so, when he-

Penelope: Hey, you wanna bring things up to the bedroom?

Diomedes: Sure…what’s up there?

Odysseus: By the way did you bring protection?

Diomedes: *wielding his dagger* WHY WHAT’S UP THERE?!?

[roseblack12]

[haley-harrison]

Epic modern AU incorrect quotes part 1/?:

Elpenor: Why are you eating tofu?

Perimedes: I'm trying to convince the Captain that I'm vegan.

Elpenor: Why?

Perimedes: 😏 Because I keep stealing his chicken wings and this way he'll never suspect me. 😎

[shebeafancyflapjack]

Polyphemus: I would like to thank you for this lovely wine, Nobody!

Odysseus: I'm so glad we see eye to eye.

Polyphemus, a cyclops who has heard that joke done to death:

Polyphemus: Y'know, I was gonna let you all go but, screw it, just for that I'm eating your bestie.

[incorrecthomer]

Odysseus: I made lightly fried fish fillets for dinner. Penelope: Ody, It's 1:15 am, what the fuck. Odysseus: Do you want the lightly fried fish fillets or not. Penelope: Well, I mean yeah. Odysseus: So come downstairs while they're still hot. Penelope: Wait, you just made them? Odysseus: Yeah, I wasn't tired so I decided to make lightly fried fish fillets. Penelope: Say lightly fried fish fillets one more time Odysseus

[little-cereal-draws]

These three because I love this ship so much

*Penelope and Diomedes flirting with each other yet again* Odysseus: And you two are sure you're not dating? Penelope: 100%. Diomedes: Of course not! Why would you think that? Odysseus: I wonder why that possibility would even cross my mind, Diomedes. I fucking wonder.

-

Diomedes: Two years ago, I married my best friend. Diomedes: Penelope is still mad about it, but me and Odysseus were drunk and thought it was funny. -

Odysseus: Hey, babe, remember how I had to go to the pharmacy to pick up my ADHD meds? Penelope: Yes? Odysseus: Well, it turns out they're all out for the next five days. Penelope: Fuck. Odysseus: It's gonna be a fun week! Penelope: I'm going to Diomedes's house. Odysseus: Nuh-uh. Through sickness and health, motherfucker. -

Penelope: Having two partners is both amazing and complicated. But all our problems are solved with communication. Diomedes: It’s my turn to cuddle Odysseus. Penelope: FIVE MORE MINUTES DAMMIT! -

Diomedes: H-how do you ask someone out? Odysseus: Well, first- Penelope: Don't ask him, he asked me out in a McDonalds parking lot. Diomedes: ...And you said yes? -

*Odysseus is telling a story* Penelope: Wow, Odysseus, this story has everything! Action! Adventure! Romance! Diomedes: Romance? Penelope: I'm in love with him. -

Penelope, holding a rock: Diomedes just gave this to me and said "I feel like you deserve the moon but all I can give you is a rock". Odysseus: If you don't marry him, I will. -

Diomedes: It's pretty cold outside... wanna hold hands? We should stay close. Odysseus, blushing: Okay. Penelope: It's fucking summer. -

Odysseus: If I say I love you, will you say it back? Diomedes: Yes. Odysseus: I love you. Diomedes: It back. *Later* Penelope: Why is Odysseus crying face-down on the floor? -

Penelope: Ooh, somebody has a crush Odysseus: Pfft, I don’t have a crush on Diomedes. I just think he's cool, it’s not like I stay up at night thinking about him. *Later that night* Odysseus, very much awake: Uh oh. -

Penelope: Did Diomedes just tell me he loved me for the first time? Odysseus: Yeah, he did. Penelope: And did I just do finger guns back? Odysseus: Yeah, you did. -

Penelope: You don't need my blessing to go kiss Diomedes. In fact, I was pretty sure you were already kissing Diomedes! Odysseus: Nope. Penelope: In that case, as the archbishop of Odysseus's fully awakened gaydom, I give you my blessing to immediately leave and rectify that as soon as possible! Go now, my child, and kiss Diomedes right on the lips!!! -

Odysseus: Thank you all for coming. Penelope, wearing a hospital gown: When I heard you couldn't get laid, I dropped everything and came straight here. Odysseus: Well, I couldn't imagine anyone else being part of the "Fuck Odysseus Task Force". Diomedes: Yeah, I interpreted that in a different way. -

Odysseus: *looking through his closet* Has anyone seen my top? Diomedes: Penelope’s in the kitchen. -

Diomedes: *sucking on a popsicle* Penelope: Pfft, you practicing for when Odysseus gets here? Diomedes: *takes a huge ass bite out of the popsicle* Penelope: *Concern* -

Diomedes: *is wearing silk pants* How does this look? Odysseus: Like its slips on and off really easily. Diomedes: Odysseus: No, I didn't mean it like that- Penelope: We know what you meant. -

Penelope: Can you please just apologize to Diomedes? Odysseus: Fine, but I have to warn you that this may make me a nicer, better person and that is not who you feel in love with. -

Diomedes: Hi, sorry I’m late. I was doing a couple of things and got distracted. Odysseus: I’m “a couple of things”. Penelope: I’m “got distracted”. *Penelope and Odysseus high five* -

Penelope: That shirt looks great, Odysseus. Odysseus: Thanks. Penelope: But I bet it would look even better on Diomedes's floor. Diomedes: Are you hitting on Odysseus... for me? -

Diomedes: Hey, Odysseus? Can I get some dating advice? Odysseus: Just because I'm with Penelope doesn't mean I know how I did it.

[this-and-this-and-this2]

Penelope, just after learning that she's pregnant: Odysseus, I have a gift for you!

Odysseus: Oh, where is it?

Penelope: It's in my belly :)

Odysseus: You ate my gift?!

[katerinaaqu]

Sorry I just couldn't resist!!! 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣

Don't you tell me this wasn't perfect?! Hahaha like come on everyone thought of that! 😂 (inspiration from Paris The Musical song "Business" because I just heard that specific song for the lolz 😆)

[meditando-en-paris]

Odysseus yelling at Poseidon: I only respect one authority. And that authority is my wife.