#including one that deal with mental health so they can suggest me some job that won’t make my anxiety a living hell like last job

[yoohyeon]

Just came back from my social worker and guys that time we went deep into my soul 😭 jfbsjdbd

[literaryvein-reblogs]

Writing Dialogue: Compliments

Compliment - a verbal or written remark that expresses admiration, respect, or praise for another person or group.

The definition of compliment includes the general expression of good wishes or affirmations on quality, as in the example sentence, “My compliments to the chef.”

Studies show that compliments can activate the brain’s reward center, promote positivity, and help build self-esteem and overall good mental health.

Types of Compliments

You can compliment anyone, from family members to coworkers to strangers on the street. Some compliments include the following:

Accomplishments: You can compliment someone about their past or recent achievements. You could compliment a significant personal win like reaching a career goal or a minor victory like guessing the word of the day on a challenging crossword puzzle.

Appearance: You can view these compliments as flattering comments about how someone looks on a particular occasion or about attributes like beautiful eyes, skin, or hair.

Creativity: Compliments about creativity might include kind statements about someone’s artistic ability or creative solutions to issues, projects, or problems.

Intelligence: When you compliment someone’s intelligence, you could give them a sincere compliment about a specific situation or playfully tell them they’re a smart cookie in a general sense.

Personality: Compliments about someone’s personality cover many areas and might include statements about the person having a great sense of humor, being a great listener, or always seeing the silver lining in difficult situations.

Whole person: You can compliment someone about how you view them, such as telling them they’re an awesome friend or a great sister.

Examples of Compliments to Give

The best compliments come from the heart and are unique and specific to the person you’re addressing. Consider the following compliment suggestions:

You have a beautiful smile.

You always light up a room.

I love your style.

That color looks great on you.

I love your sense of humor; you always make me laugh.

I’m impressed by your ability to stay calm and focused when things are stressful.

Your ideas are so innovative and fresh.

You’re always so helpful.

I appreciate your honesty.

I always have fun when I’m with you.

You’re stronger than you think you are.

I’m grateful you’re in my life.

You’re an inspiration to me.

You add so much to our community; I’m glad you’re here.

I admire that you always speak up with your opinion.

I always feel comfortable being myself around you.

You’ve brought such joy into my life.

I love how curious you are about how things work.

You’re such a good team player and considerate of others.

You’re so patient when dealing with others’ problems.

How to Compliment Someone

Giving a compliment might feel awkward at first, but with practice, you’ll experience the benefits of improved relationships and an overall sense of wellness. Follow these guidelines when giving a compliment:

Be specific. The more detailed your compliment, the more impactful it feels to the person receiving it. Telling someone they’re a good listener is lovely, but telling them about a specific time when they made you feel heard them feels more meaningful.

Embrace sincerity. Most people can sense when a compliment is insincere, so tell the truth when giving praise. Avoid giving compliments you don’t believe, such as telling them they’re attractive when you don’t find them attractive or telling someone they did a good job when they failed at the task.

Include strangers. Avoid reserving compliments just for people you know well. A well-timed and honest compliment to someone you don’t know can make their day, even if it’s about something simple. Avoid complimenting people you don’t know well on their physical appearance.

Notice the good things. Pay attention to your family, friends, loved ones, and coworkers, and note their good qualities and accomplishments. When you spend a lot of time with people, it’s easy to only focus on problems or negative issues that need solutions. Incorporate taking in the positive and giving compliments regularly to forge stronger connections and make a habit of noticing the good.

How to Respond to a Compliment

In some cases, you may find receiving compliments creates anxiety, especially if you suffer from low self-esteem. Follow these tips when responding to a compliment:

Avoid rejecting the compliment. Sometimes receiving compliments feels uncomfortable, making you impulsively want to give credit to someone else, turn it into a joke, or tell the person why you don’t deserve the accolades. Though you may feel all these things internally, do your best to avoid verbalizing your self-doubt, which could make the other person feel foolish or rejected.

Express your gratitude. Accept the compliment as you would a gift, saying “thank you.” If you wish, you can expand on your appreciation by adding how the compliment made a difference (either as a positive emotion or as an encouragement to keep going).

It’s about the giver as much as it’s about you. When someone compliments you, they tell you how your behavior or actions impacted them, which may feel like a vulnerable act for them. Remember that how you respond can have an emotional effect on the receiver.

Redirect compliments meant for someone else. If someone compliments you about an action or work you didn’t do, redirect them to the right person while supporting their desire to give a compliment. For example, if someone compliments you about a work project you didn’t do, you might say, “That’s so nice of you to say that! Actually, Kim completed that job. I’m sure she’d love to hear your feedback.”

Source ⚜ More: Notes & References ⚜ Writing Resources PDFs

[radical-aurin-care]

between sixth form, my part time job and trying to see my friends i feel so mentally tired and drained and i dont get any revision or homework or anything i love doing (like writing, piano ect) done bcs i just feel so stuck and idk how long i can keep going before i completely mentally give up, have you got any advice?

Dear anon, I am very sorry that it took me so long to answer! I had to take an unplanned social media break and then had some pretty bad health issues (on the mend now) and didn't even manage to open my inbox until two days ago.

anyway, thanks for your patience, I hope things are manageable for you! <3

afai sixth form means that you're old enough that school isn't mandatory any more. I'm gonna be that bad influence that tells you to drop out of school.

schools, unis etc are NOT places to learn (they don't even tend to teach students how to learn, let alone consistently encourage independent thinking, cooperation, nor acting on what you learned or on your conscience). they are part time prisons for children at worst and factories for fancy diplomas at best. plus abuse runs rampant.

they don't teach you stuff that you couldn't learn better elsewhere - if you need it at all. they train people to be be employable and reward them with certificates that basically say "I am good at being exploited for labour, dear boss, please consider exploiting me"

you already have passions and things you like devoting time to - school detracts from that. you're creative!

school affects you severely and I don't want you to hurt yourself for some promise that frankly they don't deliver on. When I went to school I thought schools and unis were the Best places to learn and degrees and diplomas were super important for my future. nope. not true.

I see it as a pattern of abuse now - getting ppl to put up with health destroying hardships and absurd demands (like dictating when you can and can't go pee or eat or stretch your legs or chat with friends, all of which hinders learning!) by holding up some future price. and making promises that are simultaneously ridiculously high ("education opens up the world to you!") and insultingly low ("we'll give you a piece of paper with some grades on them" so that you can apply for jobs but no grades nor jobs are guaranteed plus even if you get one, don't count on making a living off it).

even IF the promises were true, it would be even more unjust (and in many ways is) because formal education acts as a gatekeeper to do many things that get withheld from ppl for mainly racist, classist and sexist reasons - playing that game won't make it get fairer or the world better. besides many of those things are just more capitalism.

If you do decide to keep going, at least stop doing homework - it has been proven to give no benefits to learning. it's just a waste of your time and energy and you're worth more than that!

see if there are other unconventional or anarchic ways to save your time, energy and sanity. this is not just applicable to school btw! you need it at work and when dealing with ppl in general. I'm thinking of things like:

don't obey demands or suggestions unless you really agree that they are the best idea

train your independent thinking, decision making and acting...

as well as how to work together with others as equals

if someone wants to force you to waste your time, energy, talents or insults your intelligence or value as a human being, LET THEM WORK FOR IT

yes sometimes we need to do stuff we don't want. but those times are FAR fewer and farther in between than authorities and social norms (including politeness) would have us believe. AT LEAST let them work for it.

don't be contrarian just to be contrarian though - cooperate with people you value and who have earned your respect and support

strengthen your bonds with friends and people who have similar problems as you, or where you see that you can help them with something they might not be able to do on their own

validate and support others who question or subvert injust or stupid authorities

what I'm doing and wish I'd started decades earlier is to radically cut out any abusive or oppressive person, institution or force in my life. and to build up true friendships and healing relationships instead. to build trust in myself and train my discernment and act on it. to build a good and trusting relationship with myself and my body above all.

there are many ways to get by other than what this oppressive society tries to feed us.

my personal favourite is a combination of mutual aid networks, supportive friendships, connections to nature and the land, and cooperatives or collectives or guilds or associations that work and produce and often make money together without a boss and without being driven by capitalism, but by collectively agreed upon values instead. maybe with some theft, squatting, and other illegalised activities thrown in, as a treat. depends on your risk analysis though.

I'll tell anyone to put their time, effort and hope in those over school/work any day!

and like I said, moving towards tolerating bullshit less and less in all aspects of live and valuing yourself, your agency and time and effort - that should help too in case other institutions or bosses or family or friends sap your energy.

I hope I could give you some support and food for thought, whatever you decide to do with it!

feel free to ask more questions, I'll do my best to answer them more quickly from now on!

[pannman]

Sorry I posted that without finishing it. Angel Dust tells the others and they team up to help Angel and Charlie.

Just wanted everyone to see the whole request. So sorry it this took so long. There's been a family emergency and not only has it kept me busy but it's been difficult on my mental health. But things have started to get back to normal so hopefully I'll be able to write more fics. I've mostly kept it to short fun jokes and theories to keep up my online presence. Anyway, thank you for the request. I did include Angel making her leave, I forgot that was mentioned but I hope that little change was ok.

Once a deal is made

Part 1

Tw: abuse, toxic relationships, angst, part one is in Angel's POV. I hope I handled this in an appropriate and delicate way. Advice is much appreciated.

What was she thinking? Showing up here!?! She thought she could handle Valentino? Well I guess it was my fault for suggesting she should fix my boss but it wasn't really meant to be an actual suggestion. I didn't think she'd show up in the middle of a shoot. I practically pleaded with her with my eyes but she was oblivious to the danger she put us both in.

I know she meant well. She was never exposed to this kind of stuff. She probably grew up in a castle where she got whatever she wanted and was taught we could all sing kumbaya and learn to get along. It was actually kind of sweet how naive and well intentioned she was. But now surrounded by fire staring at his demonic silhouette all I could feel was fear. And it wasn't the flames I was so afraid of.

His wings came out putting out the fire in one powerful swoop. He asked to speak to me alone. I couldn't look at Charlie. I didn't want her to figure out what was about to happen and interfere. She could get hurt. I have been exposed to this kind of thing. I was no stranger to it. And I knew I was strong enough to do what takes to protect her and anyone else.

Things did get ugly. I knew what I had to do. I did not want to hurt her feelings but pushing her away was the only way I could get her to leave. She left in tears and I felt my gut wrench with guilt before his hands were on my shoulders. I didn't feel as bad after that subtle reminder of why I did it.

I shot all night. I didn't see her come back in. So when I was packing up to leave you can imagine my surprise when I saw her and Val exit his office.

"Charlie! What-what are you doing here?" I had hoped my efforts weren't in vain. "It's ok. I've gotten Valentino to agree to give you some time off and you won't even have to make up extra time at work." I was speechless. How did she manage that?

The heaviness in the air and almost painful silence gave me a chill. "What did you do?" I asked with worry. "I've agreed to take your place for a while. Its... its only temporary. You need to focus on your recovery and its my job to help you in any way I can."

I couldn't believe what I was hearing. You'd think I'd be happy to get away from him for a bit but I just felt sick to my stomach. And i knew it wasn't right. But there was little I could do once a deal was made.

I learned that myself the hard way.

[alarajrogers]

Going off your last post, what "simple measures" WOULD you propose to deal with incel terrorism, besides obvious ones like better mental healthcare and gun control? Off the top of my head, I'd suggest normalizing social mixers more (the sort of role that churches, Freemason/Elk lodges, etc., traditionally filled), encouraging women to make the first move in courtship, encouraging boys to cultivate their appearance and charm the way we teach girls (so making the first move would be not just more appealing for women, but also safer if "charm" for men encompasses respectful behavior), and encouraging men to emotionally support each other.

So there's a few things.

Firstly, number one, there's the gun control. Other countries have disaffected young men, white supremacists, and overly entitled misogynists, but they don't have as many guns and ready access to ammo. And the Second Amendment has never said what it's currently interpreted as; judges completely ignore the "well regulated militia" part. The right to bear arms is supposed to be regulated. What kind of regulations are necessary for the security of a free state? Well, among them, no fucking stochastic terrorism, which means we can't have randos running around with unregulated guns. Hell, put a gigantic tax on the ammo and then let people who require guns for work, have insurance, and all their permits in place, write the tax off. You can collect weapons all you want if they don't have ammo, and no one gets the right to write off more ammo than they can justify with their job duties or hobbies, or that they can insure.

How do we address the fact that boys are being taught absolutely toxic bullshit about how they're supposed to interact with girls? For this, I think you need some kind of program that involves male celebrities like musicians and athletes, and maybe tax breaks for Hollywood programs that work to model healthy behaviors for boys and girls toward each other. Less of this toxic "I'm a strong independent woman who doesn't need no man and that justifies me being abusive to boys and men in fiction". Model toward girls what healthy behavior to boys and from boys looks like, model toward boys what healthy behavior to girls and from girls looks like. Do PSAs. Get public schools to include a unit on healthy romantic behaviors in Health class in middle school, preferably as early as sixth grade. (I'd say put it in like 3rd, but I can just hear the parental screaming about sexualizing children, coming from the same people who'll buy their 1 year old onesies with "My heart belongs to DADDY" or "Lady Killer".)

Normalizing social mixers is absolutely a great idea! In fact, I believe we should be creating third-space socialization opportunities for girls and boys, little ones and teen ones, all over the place, that are outside of schools. Clubs that are not associated with schools, athletic leagues that let kids of the same general height and weight play together regardless of gender. Such things should exist for adults, too. Right now, there are socialization systems in place for college students, the elderly, and people who are willing to put in a ton of work and free time to stay involved with something, but aside from that, all there is for adults is bars, nightclubs, and work, if you want to meet new people. Or use online dating apps.

I do believe in teaching boys charm, hygiene, respectful behavior, and in emotionally supporting each other, and I believe in normalizing girls making the first move... but the forces that stand in the way of those things have been battered at since the 60's and if anything are resurging now. Misogyny, patriarchy and toxic masculinity (as opposed to healthy masculinity) are currently pushing really hard against the forces of reasonable behavior, and part of this is on feminists, who as a cohort have spent too much time demonizing men and not enough time explaining to them how they benefit from the behaviors women would like to see from them. I am not quite sure how to fix this particular problem. I feel like feminism as a movement screwed the pooch, and MRAs are actively in favor of patriarchy and misogyny, and there's really no movement of "let's be reasonable toward people of a different gender."

[audreine]

I'm at work today and things at the office are just starting to get chaotic. To be frank, I'm anxious because it's my first time handling this job and I hate it. I wasn't assign for this task, but I have an inkling the previous staff who was responsible for this job has something to do with me being transferred here.

You know how you met someone and there's this bad vibe that you get from them? Yeah, she's that person. I still remember the early days when I started in this division, she was among the first coworkers I talked to. I thought I'd be friendly so I had a harmless small talk with her but suddenly she was being passive aggressive towards me. I dismissed it and cut the conversation short, thinking maybe she was uncomfortable. I felt like I should give her the benefit of the doubt.

But as I get to know her, through talking and observing, it's evident my hunch about her was right, if not then maybe partially correct. She is really gossipy; I just can't stand people like this so I slowly distanced myself away. But I feel like many people (including myself) easily can be manipulated by her as she is really pretty and always wear a smile on her face. She looks friendly and approachable, which is why I picked her to talk to in the first place.

To make it worse, our boss favours her most of the time. He is known for favouritism, that good looking staff can do and get whatever they want. Obviously I'm not the chosen one (lol) and with a couple of coworkers, who become close to me because we have that in common. Our boss too likes to gossip, he frequently hangs out with her and several others. So that is why I feel like she used her influence and suggested to our boss for her to be assigned to another task, and I ended up as the "victim". She hinted about this when we were taking a break in the pantry months before we were given the transfer memo. How is it possible for her, an ordinary staff to know such confidential info that should only be known to the upper management officers?

Another thing that aggravates me about her is that she has this tendency to laugh at other's face. Like just now, I was asking her regarding the system software that's related to my current job, and knowing that she has been using it for years, I thought I should refer to her as the management hasn't provided some kind of training for me yet. This bish was reluctant to guide, she claimed she has forgotten about it, and wasn't that helpful so I said to her that I'd figure it out. She then proceeded to comment on how this task is really a burden and I'd be swamped by it soon as the applications would be tripled. Then she laughed. She always tried to scare me, that I'd be miserable having to deal with all the procedures regarding the applications from the public.

To be honest, it makes me want to prove her wrong. But I find it stupid to take her seriously when I should just do my job accordingly. I am not going to let myself be stressed out about it, because I know better. No point for pushing myself to the limits, that could compromised my inner peace and mental and physical health. Most of the time I just ignore them but honestly it's tough to face such person daily (she's not the only one like that here).

[heartfulofsighs]

Nice Things…

Hello All! Coming back with little writings here and there as my inspiration comes along. A little episode inside of the Something to do with Jackson sphere (1, 2) 

Let me know what you think! @negrowhat you know I gotta tag you in everything lol

Jackson decides you both are in need of a little rest and relaxation. Nothing is better then a nice beach house complete with a gigantic bath tub. 

About 4k words; Warnings: Very light smut like its super light, but I’m obligated to say it includes fingering a praise kink and a bathtub. 

Laundry shouldn’t be difficult. Well in retrospect it wasn’t difficult at your old apartment. The laundry room there was stocked with 5 very old very worn washing and drying machines. They were faithful and predictable. They only had about 3 options and 2 dials. Simplicity at its best. You missed them every time you had a load to wash and dry. You had been living in Jackson’s apartment for months and you still couldn’t figure out his machines. For one thing they were sleek and black, very modern, apparently super efficient. They worked via a touch screen and the breath of options that appeared every time you fired them up made you nervous. Twice you had shrunk a favorite article of clothing. You had also ruined your running shoes, the washing machine seemed incredibly aggressive to you. But today was going to be different. This was your only task. You could do this. The touch screen lit up, you took a breath, the beeping started and an array of options appeared. Water temperatures, agitation speeds, your finger hovered over the first option- “BABY, THIS IS WHERE YOU WERE!?” Jackson’s voice boomed in the laundry room. You turned, frantic that all his noise would upset whatever fragile understanding you had. “Jackson!” You hissed, “shush!”

  His hands snapped to cover his mouth. He looked around his brows knitted, “what’s going on?” He whispered. “I’ just,” you turned back to the machine but you didn’t feel the same confidence, “I’m trying to figure out your stupid space aged washing machine.” You confessed, “everytime I put something in here I ruin it.” “Maybe you’re thinking about it too hard.” He walked up behind you and looked down at the same screen. “Baby?” He began slowly, he touched the screen flicking left twice until he got to a place that said ‘presets’.  “Why don’t you just use these instead of trying to pick through all those other settings? This is what I use.” “You’ve got to be kidding me.” You muttered softly. There were easy to understand presets displayed proudly.   “You didn’t know about these?” He asked, “I could have sworn I showed you the last time you shrunk your sweater?” You rubbed your face in continued disbelief. All this time. “The dryer has presets too, did I show you those?” He kept talking because of course to him this wasn’t a big deal. You had made it one, once again, something tiny had become huge to you.   “You want me to help you with your laundry? Since I’m home today I wanna spend it with you ok?” When you took your hands away from your face he was beaming like the sun at you. You wondered how he could look so worry free. His job was so stressful, he barely got time for himself or you yet he was always beaming. You wanted to be a bit more like him. Just enough so that inanimate objects stopped irritating you for no reason.            “If you want to help sure, but this stuff is kinda boring. You sure you don’t want to nap? Or I could make you something to eat?” You offered.          “We can do that after, this won’t take long.” He pointed out. He wasn’t wrong. You selected the ‘delicates’ option since you wanted to wash your undies and bras first.          “Ok, delicates first then.” You looked in his direction expectantly. The two baskets of laundry were already separated.            “Just pass me the stuff in the blue basket.”  You instructed, “I’ll do them first.”   He dutifully began to hand you clothes. Some things he stopped to look at. “When did you get this bra?” He asked holding up a flowery bra that you had bought a few weeks ago.   “Like two weeks ago?” You guessed, maybe three. Your hand was outstretched waiting for it. “Oh,” was all he said before he handed it over, “I haven’t see you wear it.” He said softer. “Well, it’s a bra Jackson…” You tried. He handed you a few pairs of underwear which you put in. He was a touch less cheerful as you finished loading. He helped with the detergent and softner before he got the machine started. “I feel so dumb,” when you turned to him he frowned. “I really wish I had remembered about the presets. I’ve been having a battle with this machine since I got here.” You confessed. “Baby...I really don’t think it’s a big deal.” He leaned down and pecked you. “You can ask me questions you know? Before you make a mountain out of a molehill.” “But I’m so good at that.”  You pointed out. He kissed you again. His hands trailing down your arms. When you pulled away he pouted. “Let me at least finish the chores, I have a few things more I wanna clean.” You complained. He accepted this and let you go, “I’m gonna have two weeks off...do you have a lot of work?” He asked. It took you a moment to think about what you had to do, some things could wait and really only one required you to finish immediately. “I just have to finish one job then I think I can take some time off.” You stretched and looked at him with curiosity. “What did you want to do?” He pushed some of your hair behind your ear, “can we go on vacation?” “Where did you want to go?” You spoke as you tied your hair up. “Someplace warm?” You asked. He nodded, “an island!” It seemed like a solid idea. You thought it over, Jackson in his usual fashion grew impatient. He tapped his feet and poked out his lip, “we can have a private beach house…” He edged closer. “That sounds...isn’t that a little extravagant?” You often wondered when you would be able to accept Jackson’s penchant for spending on you. There was something that always made you cringe. “I don’t want you to spend too much-” He frowned and you snapped your mouth closed, “you deserve…” He began. You sighed, “nice things.” He accepted you finishing his sentence quietly before he went back to trying to convince you. “It’ll be private...no cameras...just you and me.” He had basically backed you against the machine. He leaned forward and set his hands on it, caging you in. You couldn’t look away. “We live together but I always miss you,” he kissed you and it was mostly soft. “I’m gone a lot and I feel horrible about it,” he kissed you again nibbling on your bottom lip. “Do you miss me when I’m not here?” “Like crazy.” You whispered. His eyes were on yours, pupils wide. His breathing picked up as you snaked your arms around his neck. “So let me take you to the beach, let’s spend a week....please.” His kiss was less soft more insistent. He pushed until your back was pressed to the machine, the hum seemed to burn through your blood. You kissed him back, hands gripping the hair on the nap of his neck. The time apart always made the time together feel like a single point in the universe. There wasn’t a whole apartment, a whole city, there was just you and Jackson. Starved for each other, hungry to touch and feel. He was so good at making you melt, so good at making you desperate for him. You tasted him and whimpered. The beach was suddenly a fantastic idea, more time alone for more of this. He ground against you and his moan made your knees weak. “Ok,” you managed to say against his lips. He pulled away and beamed at you. The unmistakable look of getting his way. “So we’ll go the day after tomorrow...I actually may have set it up already.” “Jackson.”

You had never been swept away before. In past relationships you had lacked the time and your partners seemed to lack the motivation. It hadn’t bothered you truly because how can you miss something you didn’t have to begin with? You thought about it as you packed and he buzzed around the room with excitement. “Don’t forget bathing suites!” He warned, “and sunscreen!” “I have both.” You answered slowly, “and something nice for dinner...right?” When you looked up he was zipping his bag up. “Yes, and then...not much else…” He raised his eyebrows quickly suggestively and you giggled. He stopped to touch his hand to your leg, “I love you in anything.”   “If it was up to you, I’d just walk around naked all the time.” You said slowly. He considered this then said, “only if you want.” Then he was moving again, his energy nervous all throughout the room. “Are you almost done?” He asked. “The car will be here soon.” You just needed to decide on your one nice outfit. It had been a while since you had really gone out. He had seen you in just about everything you owned...except.... At the back of your closet you had hung a tropical print skirt and top set. It was out of your comfort zone but the print would really work. “Hurry hurry baby.” He chided. You had just enough time to grab it from the closet and stuff it into your bag. He took your hand and led you. The smile on his face relaxed yet you could feel the excitement bubbling out of him. He kissed you in the elevator before the doors opened, then led you to the long black car idling at the apartment building’s entrance. He opened the door for you and waited till you were settled before he put the bags in the trunk and got in next to you. Then his hand was back in yours like it belonged there. “Do you think you’ll get recognized at the airport?” You tried your best not to sound nervous but the thought of screaming fans made your stomach heavy. “I don’t think so, we’ll be in then out.” He brought your linked hands up for a kiss. “Don’t be nervous, it’ll be fine.” You settled into the seat and tried your best not to worry. The media in a way wasn’t very interested in you and Jackson’s story anymore. When they did happen to catch photos of you two together it wasn’t big news but most of the comments were still pretty awful. It was better for your mental health to not read them but every so often you saw yourself online and couldn’t stop yourself from looking. The general take was that you were literally a weight dragging him down. It never seemed like a good idea to comment back, better to just read it all in silence, and really it wasn’t all bad. There was a spattering of people who liked you. Who said nice things and said they were cheering on the relationship. People who pointed out that Jackson was happier with you in his life. You weren’t sure if you would give yourself that much credit but you hoped that he felt how you did. He leaned over, “what are you thinking about so hard?” He planted a kiss on your cheek startling you out of your own head. He had a way of knowing when you were thinking yourself down a rabbit hole. He redirected you gently and patiently. His hand squeezed yours again.   “Nothing, just the work I left...hopefully I did enough.” You said. He knew it wasn’t that, but he didn’t push.. He kissed you on the cheek again, “don’t worry about it, just try your best to relax.”  He whispered. It took you a moment of second guessing, but there was no real use in fighting with Jackson. Especially since you actually did need a relaxing vacation. There would be no worries on the beach, that’s all you had to tell yourself over and over and over again.  

There weren’t any cameras, no reporters, no mobs of fans. He had his mask pulled up and dark sunglasses on. You were wearing one of his caps and your own mask pulled up. The two of you looked like any couple on their way to a romantic trip. He only let go of you to pass through security. Once his hand was out of yours there were new worries. An airplane. The last time you had flown you were forced between a grumpy office worker and a woman who seemed to have bathed in perfume. You remember distinctly how the office worker had complained about her perfume and how she called him lonely and sad. It had been for the most part very unpleasant. Suddenly all you could think about were all your worse flights.  You fumbled through security, including the awkward second search. Taking his hand on the other side calmed you down a little bit. “You’re making a mountain again.” He said into your ear. “I can’t remember ever having a good flight,” you squeezed his hand and almost missed a step. “Every flight that lands safely is a good flight baby.” He chimed happily and just like that you relaxed a bit. He was right of course. Bad seatmates didn’t make a bad flight. Small things didn’t have to be big. Once again you tried to calm yourself, to convince yourself that you were on vacation. You were being swept away and it would be great if all your extra thoughts could be swept away too.

“This is the house?” After a flight you slept through, and an ok trip through the airport that involved a car rental associate who was star struck, here the two of you were. The house was directly on the beach. From the outside it didn’t look like much which made you feel a bit better. If he had rented a beach mansion or something along those lines you would have worried the whole trip about how much all of it had cost and...and if you were really worth all the trouble. But this,...this was so quaint and so cozy. “This is it.” He pulled into the driveway and then put the car into park. You got out admiring the house’s slightly cracked white paint, the green ivy underneath the two small windows on either side of the weathered wooden door. The waves sounded incredibly close and you guessed the beach was literally right in your backyard. Jackson was behind you with your bags. “Here,” when you turned he was holding the key towards you all smiles, “open her up.” He instructed. The key got stuck for a moment in the lock. You panicked per usual but it gave when you pushed your shoulder against the heavy wood. “Be careful,” he clucked his tongue at you but you ignored him. You were stuck looking at the inside. Everything was so bright. You sucked in a breath because of all the light. There were huge skylights all throughout. The entryway was neat, a small blue weathered table held a bowl where Jackson dropped the car keys. He pressed his hand to the small of your back and your feet automatically started to shuffle step forward. The entryway opened into a small kitchen with white tile and teal cabinets. The appliances didn’t look new aged or terrifying like Jackson’s. The big white well loved looking stove was comforting. Through the kitchen There was an open airy dinning room and living room. The living room ended in two gigantic glass doors that opened onto a hedge enclosed patio. The bricks were weathered but still a good red. There was a round picnic table with a few shelves, a rack with two surfboards, and what looked like a hot tub. He wrapped his arms around your waist and kissed your cheek, “let’s look at the bedroom.” It was through a doorway off the kitchen, past a half bathroom. The bedroom suite seemed to be all windows. There were three huge windows with breezy white curtains. The bed was gigantic four poster deal, piled high with pillows at the head. The comforter was white like everything else. “There’s one of those clawfoot tubs,” He led you a little further in, towards the doorway of the bathroom. The tub was huge. There was a shower head on the wall above it. Another two windows, more light. “This place is beautiful.” You finally got out. He squeezed your hand, “I know you like simple things and I thought this place would be nice. The beach is right down a back path and-” You tipped your chin up lips pursed asking for him to dip and kiss you. “Thank you so much for bringing me,” you spoke against his lips. He wrapped his arms around your waist. “You’re welcome.” His smile was triumphant. He only let you go to help unpack but beamed the entire time like a happy child. You knew this look, his eyes were centered on yours. He licked his lips before he kissed you. “I picked this house because it’s cozy and…” He trailed off to kiss you again. “And?” “And you never wanna have fun in my bathtub so I made sure that this house had one that was so big you couldn’t argue with me about soaking together.”  He explained. “Jackson.” He beamed again his face back to innocence, “don’t you want to soak with me?” He asked. “You don’t just want to soak,” you pointed out. He shrugged, “humor me.”  In truth he had begged to soak with you plenty of times but the tub in his apartment made you nervous. You had this vision of the two of you settling in and getting stuck or getting in and overflowing the tub in an embarrassing splash. Well maybe it wouldn’t be embarrassing to him but in your mind it was motifying.  You bit your bottom lip and considered the big claw foot tub in the house again. “I guess there’s no harm in a nice soak.” You said softly.  He could barely contain his excitement, he moved deliberately trailing his hands down your waist then squeezing. He searched your face before he broke out into a grin that made you laugh.   “Jackson,” it was hard not to laugh at him. “Jackson right now? You don’t want to eat first?” He cocked his head, “I do, but let’s do that later, my back hurts from the flight.” You made a ‘sure’ face but didn’t argue. It was better to humor him, he gave your bottom another not so gentle squeeze before kissing the top of your head. “So a nice bath, then I’ll make you food,...” he trailed off and took your hand.

The fragrance from the bubble bath he found was making your head feel dreamy and relaxed. His back was against one side of the tub and yours was on the other. He insisted on massaging your feet and there really wasn’t any huge point to arguing. He rubbed away while you sighed slowly to yourself. “You have the cutest little feet.” He murmured. “They’re so gross.” Your response was automatic, years of having being told they were flawed in some way meant that you were use to parroting back the words when you were complimented. “They’re perfect on you.” He dug deep into the sole of your foot and you couldn’t help but groan. “Always say nice things about yourself.” He murmured. “Yeah I know.” You sunk lower into the water and he took the invitation to work his hands up your leg. It was hard for you to say nice things about yourself all the time. You were use to your self deprecating jokes. But he was quick to redirect them, he always told you to make it nice instead. His hands were steady on your body focusing your mind back into the moment.  It was never gonna be just a soak, but you didn’t do anything to stop him. He felt the back of your knee and a shiver ran up your body. His eyes were focused on your skin, “you’ll let me do this at home now right?” He pulled himself a little closer so his hands could go further up, “a nice hot bath, foot massages.” “You’re very good at them,” your voice was barely above a whisper. His eyes seemed to darken. He leaned farther forward, upsetting the water and bubbles so he could kiss your forehead. Under the water his hand had made it all the way up which meant his fingers were in a prime position to rub you where you were most sensitive. He kept the pressure light, teasing you. A whine broke past your lips. He ducked his head and kissed you. “I want you to relax,” he said softly against your lips, he dipped his fingers inside of you. It was so hard not to squirm, he pulled them back and forth slowly before he stopped. You gripped the sides of the the tub and tried to urge him to move. His eyes were mischievous. “Jackson,” You tried to roll your hips to get him to do anything but tease you. He cocked his head, “say something nice about yourself.” The command confused you. Your brow furrowed and for a moment you were confused, “what?” He pulled his hand completely away and touched your face instead. “I read that it’s nice to hear compliments from others but reinforcing it with words you say to yourself is even better.” His voice was earnest his hand dipped into the water again and found your breast. “Something nice…” He played with your nipple and you whimpered. Your mind was reaching for something, any sort of compliment that would make sense. “I like my thighs.”   He beamed, triumphant, then pinched your nipple lightly, “what else baby? You’re so beautiful there’s a million things to compliment.” You were so use to his praise that it was hard to give yourself the same attention. He switched to your other nipple and kissed your forehead again. “One more.” He encouraged. You swallowed, his hands sending pleasure and want all throughout your body. You willed your brain and your mouth to talk, to say something so he would give you what you needed. “I have nice skin...the cream you gave me makes it so soft.” You admitted. He liked that, he kissed you harder. He had both hands involved now, tickling the sides of your tummy. The giggle that escaped your mouth made his smile even wider. “The most perfect skin.” He spent the rest of the bath praising you. Cooing all his favorite compliments while he played with your body. It didn’t take long before your hands gripped the side of the tub and you called his name. Your body locked and then the pleasure ripped through your limbs in what felt like a blaze. Dimly you knew you had splashed water and maybe that would have embarrassed you, but there were more important things. Like the way you still shook while he kissed you everywhere he could reach. If you felt dreamy before your mind was downright foggy now. “You liked that baby?” He asked, finally pulling away to look at you. Your bones felt like jelly, thank god the tub wasn’t too deep. There was no doubt in your mind you would have melted further into the water. It took you what felt like hours to barely nod your head and indicate that yes you had indeed liked it. “It’s so cute when you say my name like that.” he went back to sitting across the tub from you, a smug smile on his face. You didn’t know what face you were making but hopefully it was satisfied. “Let’s just spend the rest of the time here.” You finally got out. He didn’t argue with you, just rested his head on the rim of the tub, “as long as you’re happy that’s all I care about.” You sat up a little, “I’m the happiest I’ve been in forever.” “Perfect.” He spoke softly and maybe it was more to himself than you but he was right. The feeling was perfect.        

[imaginary-portal]

Neighbors - Part One

Bucky x Fem Reader

Word Count: ~2k

Summary: Y/N works in the Avengers compound with her boyfriend Jonathan. Bucky Barnes lives in the room next door and finds himself falling for Y/N.

Part Two

Masterlist

Enjoy!

_________

"Y/N? Are you with us?" Y/N snapped her head up. She didn't realize she was staring off into space. The recent sleep deprivation has been costly. So costly that occasionally she sleeps with her eyes open. This meeting was important to plan the attack for the next mission. "Yeah. Sorry." She looked around the room, embarrassed. Bucky Barnes shifted in his seat. Y/N sparked his curiosity. He'd noticed her when he first entered the room, but he wasn't sure why she was there. Half of the room was filled with Avengers, the other half was experts and strategists. "Any suggestions?" Tony asked her, testing her attention span. "I'll have to think on it." Y/N said casually. "How about we take a lunch break. Clear our minds. Meet back here in 30 minutes?" Steve suggested. "Sorry, no one told me you're in charge of meetings now." Tony remarked. "Come on Tony. Look around. Everyone's tired. We'll figure it out after." Steve did have a point. Y/N wasn't the only one who looked drained.

During her lunch break, Y/N went back to her room, where she took a quick power nap. Bucky followed behind her, realizing his room was right next to hers. He wanted to know who she was, so he waited in his room until the lunch break was almost over. He left his room the same time as her. "Hey neighbor." Y/N said, looking refreshed. "Hi. I'm Bucky." Y/N shook his non-metal hand. "I know. I'm Y/N, I work in strategy." Bucky nodded, walking along Y/N's side in the hall. "Ah, that's why you were so tired. They overwork you." Y/N nodded. "Precisely. But I've never enjoyed a job as much as this one. I mean come on, I get free meals and lodging. Who'd pass that up?" The two of them laughed as they reentered the meeting room. "Y/N, welcome back. I'm ready to hear your ideas." Tony pressured her immediately.

_________

When the meeting finally ended, everyone left to grab dinner. Y/N sat with one of her colleagues, where they continued the discussion of the meeting. Her wandering glance noticed several times that Bucky was looking at her. He was sitting with the rest of the Avengers, who were talking about getting suit upgrades. Even though he couldn't hear her, he liked the way she talked with people. She seemed very enthusiastic and educated. "Oh, you like smart girl over there?" Natasha said quietly as motioned her head towards Y/N. Bucky shook his head, not realizing how long he'd been watching her. "No, I just didn't know who she was." Natasha smiled. "It's fine Bucky. You see him over there?" She pointed to a security guard in the corner of the room. He looked off into the distance to see the attractive man. Bucky looked back at Natasha, who wiggled her eyebrows. "We all have a normal person that we're interested in." Bucky looked back at Y/N and watched as a man approached her, interrupting her conversation. Y/N looked up at the man with a smile. The man bent down to give her a hug and a kiss on the cheek. Natasha hissed. "Oh, she's taken. Sorry bud." Bucky looked down at his food, no longer interested in anything beyond his plate.

_________

The next day, the team had a successful mission. It did include some hasty improvising that Tony planned to discuss with Y/N about. He was still wearing his iron suit and had scratches on his face but he wanted to be sure Y/N wrote down his critiques. Y/N walked outside, seeing the Avengers standing in a circle, Steve and Natasha sitting on the ground. A medic cleaned up their wounds as Y/N spoke with Tony. Bucky watched the conversation keenly. Y/N took notes and was very receptive to the critiques. For a moment she seemed to be more patient with Tony than Steve was. That was, until she disagreed with Tony on something. Tony claimed that a mistake was due to her strategy but she believed it had to do with his suit. "Let's test it right now. Stand up there, fly down and blast that trash can." Y/N was confident. Tony did as she said, proving her to be right. "I'll let you get away with that for now." Was all Tony said before walking inside. Y/N scribbled something down in her notebook, smiling to herself. When she looked up, she caught eyes with Bucky, maintaining her smile before walking inside.

_________

The team split up for the next mission. Each strategist was assigned an Avenger to tackle individual weaknesses. Since Y/N showed up pretty well to Tony, she got promoted to Chief Strategist. Therefore, she was given the hardest team member to work with: Bucky. Bucky was only hard to work with because he doesn't engage with people often. He likes to have a plan and the less that plan involves other people the better. What Y/N would find, however, is that Bucky is easy to work with, so she didn't exactly understand what people meant by that.

Y/N entered the meeting room with a computer and notepad. Bucky sat at the table, relieved to see Y/N as his strategist. Y/N sat across from him and logged onto her laptop. "So, what do you feel is your biggest weakness on missions?" She stood up to plug her laptop into the projector. Bucky watched her as he tried to think of his answer. "I guess it would be that I can't fly so I'm always stuck on the ground. I rarely have a height leverage." Y/N nodded, sitting back down. "What if I told you that doesn't really put you at a disadvantage?" Bucky furrowed his eyebrows, confused. "I mean, if flying was the main priority for a mission, only half of the team would be going. After looking at some of Tony's footage, it looks to me that your main weakness is your range." Y/N played a clip on the projector that showed Bucky falling because he couldn't reach behind him. "That metal arm isn't so flexible, yeah?" Bucky sat, astonished. "Yeah, you know what, you're right. I never realized that before." Y/N nodded, typing something on her computer. "So I scheduled you some training sessions this week. They're gonna teach you some new combat moves and flexibility, so it shouldn't be as much of a problem anymore." Bucky nodded, content with the plan.

"Wow. That was easy." Y/N said. "They told me you were the hardest to work with but if I was with Tony I'd be in a meeting for hours." They both laughed as Y/N shut her laptop. "So how's the compound life treating you?" Y/N switched topics. Bucky shrugged. "I mean I can't complain. I've spent a lot of time living in torture chambers." Y/N nodded, understanding the seriousness of the conversation. "I read that in your file. Are you getting any help for dealing with that stuff? You know, mental health is just as important as your physical health." Bucky shrugged again, not really answering her question. "Well there's a lot of resources here so use whatever you need. Not to sound corny, but I'm also available if you ever need someone to talk to. You know where my room is. My door is always open, unless my boyfriend is sleeping, in which case I advise you not to come to our door." Y/N laughed, realizing the ramble she went on. “Wanna grab lunch? I’m starving.” Bucky took up her offer, walking by her side in the halls. Along the way, he got a whiff of her perfume, which was a pleasant and enticing scent.

“Are you single? I can hook you up with my friend Clara. She’s the sweetest person you’ll ever meet.” Bucky shrugged, taking a bite of his sandwich. “Thank you but I’m not interested in a relationship right now.” Bucky lied. To tell the truth he was lonely. To tell another truth he was interested in Y/N. “Understandable.” Y/N said as Bucky swallowed his food. “So what’s your boyfriend like?” Y/N bit her lip as she thought of the perfect way to describe him. “Jonathan works over in aircraft. He’s very logical, focused. He has big plans here.” Bucky raised his eyebrows. “What about you? Do you have plans here?” Y/N nodded, poking around at her side salad. “I do, but they’re not as ambitious as his, you know? I’m already Chief of Strategy so I’m not sure how much further I can go.” Bucky shook his head. “Don’t limit yourself. I can tell you got potential.” Y/N smiled at his compliment. “Thanks Bucky, you’re a nice guy. What about you? Do plan to stay here, work government contracts?” Bucky nodded. “For now. But I guess wherever Steve goes I’ll go.” Y/N awed. “That’s sweet. I love a good friendship.” They both sat in an awkward silence as they thought of something to say. “What do you do for fun?” Bucky scrunched his eyebrows. “I don’t do anything.” Y/N rolled her eyes. “Come on. You gotta do something. You like music? Movies?” Bucky shrugged. “40s music is nice.” Y/N's eyes beamed. "Oh you must know Frank Sinatra, yeah?" Bucky nodded. "Yeah he's all right." Y/N took a large bite of food. "Classic." she said with a mouthful.

"Well, well, well, if it ain't two troublemakers." A man approached the table from behind Y/N. "Jonathan!" Y/N said, excited. She pulled out the chair next to her and the man took a seat, plopping his food on the table. "As you may know, this is Bucky." Y/N tried introducing the two, and Bucky corrected her by saying "James" as he shook Jonathan's hand. Y/N's eyebrow wrinkled. "You do nice work out there, kicking ass." Jonathan complimented as he began eating. Bucky nodded and looked down at his food, no longer interested in conversation. "How's aircraft today?" Y/N asked Jonathan. "Stupid, as usual." Y/N playfully rolled her eyes, but Bucky took him seriously. "What's stupid about it?" Jonathan swallowed and wiped a crumb out of the corner of his mouth with a napkin. "Everyone is so caught up in team work when sometimes things could be faster if we just worked alone." Y/N chuckled to herself. "Easy for you to say when you know everything that goes on there. Not everyone is as advanced as you." Bucky held back an eye roll, growing a distaste for the way Y/N was feeding the man's ego. Jonathan caught onto this, sensing a feeling of disapproval from Bucky. "You'll see. Things will be better once I'm promoted to supervisor." No one replied, instead eating more food.

"So how did you two meet? Is Bucky not logical enough or something?" Jonathan tried cracking a joke. "No, we just split up into groups so everyone needed help." Y/N rebutted. Jonathan shook his head. "They just say that to make the weaker ones feel better. The airborne Avengers: Iron Man, Vision, Falcon, their combat is much more calculated, less error." Y/N smacked Jonathan's shoulder. Bucky expressed an eye roll this time. He didn't know why he was still sitting with this obnoxious couple. "Be nice. And that's not true. Remember when I told you I proved Tony wrong about his suit versus my strategy?" Jonathan shook his head, a confused look on his face. "Well anyways, that's how I got promoted. I'm at a higher rank than you now." She stuck her tongue out a Jonathan, who gave her a kiss on the lips, smirking at Bucky as he pulled away. Y/N regained composure, wiping a hand over her mouth. "I'm sorry Bucky. I promise he's nice when he opens up to you." She looked at her watch. "Shit. I have a meeting in five minutes. I'll see you guys later." Y/N quickly grabbed her bag, gave Jonathan a kiss on the cheek, and promptly left. The two men sat in an awkward silence. Jonathan swallowed the last bite of his food, glaring at Bucky.

"You don't go taking my girl, got it?" Asshole. Bucky nodded affirmatively, picking up his trash and leaving the table. ——————

Copyright © 2021 imaginary-portal. All rights reserved

[knotmagickstudios]

ADHD/Autism diagnosis as an adult, part 1

So this is a bit of a departure from my usual content, but I wanted to break down some of my experiences here so that others could learn more about the process and how it works, and what struggles I faced.

Please remember, this is just one person's experience, and yours might be very different depending on your healthcare provider, country you are seeking care in, or even what part of the country. I know my experiences would have been very different if I'd tried to get an assessment back in Ohio vs Washington state.

A little background: I grew up in an emotionally abusive household that placed a lot of stigma on mental health and not being neurotypical. I've had anxiety since I was 3 and depression since I was 10 or 11, but was unable to get help until I was almost 30 because of that stigma.

As a result, I grew up with some hardcore masking, and trying to be as "normal" as possible. I think I was tested for autism several times in elementary school, but because I'd been conditioned to know the "right" answers, I told the teachers what they wanted to hear, not what I actually felt or thought, so I "passed."

About 5 years ago, all of my coping mechanisms for my anxiety and depression stopped working at the same time, for no apparent reason, and I made the decision to begin taking medication. It's one of the best choices I've ever made.

Around that same time, I was also diagnosed with hypothyroidism, and later Hashimotos (autoimmune condition attacking the thyroid).

During all of this, I moved 3,000 miles to a new state.

The Hashimotos has caused a great deal of fatigue for me, which is how I got diagnosed in the first place. Even with my medication, I still am tired all the time, and I'm usually ready for a nap. However, it also causes insomnia, so I will often go to bed and then lay there for 2-3 hours before I can fall asleep, even if I'm super tired.

This past year has been very bad. My anxiety also spiked for the first time since I started meds, to the point I was having panic attacks at work. I started talk therapy to help determine if the problem was the crappy job or if my meds needed adjustment. It also became clear through these conversations that something wasn't right physically, so I went to my GP.

I am not going to lie when I say I hit the lottery with this GP. I laid out all of my symptoms, which are, theoretically, tied to my Hashimoto's: Fatigue, intolerance of physical activity, inability to regulate my body temperature, random joint/muscle aches, headaches, and a whole laundry list of other symptoms.

She wrote everything down, and then shocked the pants off me when she said, "This doesn't sound like Hashimoto's to me. It sounds like Chronic Fatigue Syndrome and ADHD."

You could have knocked me over with a feather. I know a lot of people in many places in the world with ME/CFS and usually doctors avoid mentioning that as a diagnosis unless they have to. To have it, and ADHD suggested as a possibility from the get go was shocking.

I walked away with a list of referrals to specialists, including neuropsychology for both an autism and ADHD assessment.

I'm going to end part one here, since this was a lot of background. I'll be focusing on the ADHD/Autism assessments, but if anyone has questions about Hashimoto's, the chronic fatigue diagnosis, or any of the other conditions I've mentioned here and how they were treated, I would be happy to elaborate.

[hanna-kin]

Gåsmamman season 2 part 1

My second attempt at doing this. Spoiler alert for season 1, and 2 of Gåsmamman.

Season 2 really is a lot. It's longer, more complex and introduces a shit ton of new characters including Zac, Simon, the prosecutor, Fickan, Henrik Östling, Speedy and Juana (forgive me if we've been introduced them before)

The season starts with a bang. Niklas is in prison and the key witness of his and Östlings trial gets brutally murdered. The witness used to work for Östling. Niklas and Hanna get married in prison and we learn that they are expecting a baby. Anders is also in prison for instigation of murder.

No matter how many times I watch this season I don't understand thr Östling plot fully. But Niklas and him meet in prison and since he's one of the big guys Niklas has always wanted to be Östling so why not work with him. He still owes Barry money so he's actually under alot of pressure.

Meanwhile Sonja and the kids are back in Sweden after staying in Sydney. Everything is pretty tense in the family. They have to stay hidden and have new identities. Yet, they choose the city closest to Stockholm?! Why? And why is Sonja wearing that atrocious wig 24/7? That thing is it's own character, and it's certainly a villian.

I actually like what they did with the Ek family being back. Even if you'd think Nina would be able to go to therapy in Australia. The family is pretty much torn into pieces and it only gets worse. They are all under so much pressure and I think that the creators does a great job with mixing the criminal elements with the relationship struggles. Every character have their thing going on and we see all of them struggle.

Things are certainly tense. It doesn’t take long until every things falls apart. Sonja is trying but she's failing so hard. She wants to protect her family but all she does is lie.

Nina is struggling with her mental health and I try to be understandable of her situation. She's been through a huge trauma and obviously needs help but wow she's selfish. I'm going to make a separate post dealing with the kid's own storylines so more on that then. I can't stand her and I find her obnoxious and selfish. She has the best character arch though.

Gustav has taken the role as some sort of partner to Sonja where she puts too much on his shoulders and it's so faccinating to see how early this started and how his resentment toward her comes from all this. He had to leave his whole life behind and now he has to cover for his mother, deal with his struggling sister and support his little brother. There's little time for his own grief which I've only realised doing this post. I love how purposeful it feels though. And i love his and Linus ' relationship. Best of the entire show.

It feels like everyone but Gustav kindof forgets about Linus and his struggles this season and it's clear that Sonja gets more and more neglectful. Why doesn't he go to therapy? After all his struggles and clear ptsd it's sad to see him kindof having to fend for himself. He craves normality but you can tell he's so anxious about change reacting badly to every suggestion of moving apartments or even countries.

Sonja keeps lying to protect him but in the end it does more harm and good. And while he doesn't get therapy or the support he needs it feels purposeful and it matters so much to the future seasons which I love.

Aside from a very action pact season with many intertwined plots that sometimes overwhelm me I do love this aspect of the show.

The Ek characters all get time spent on their archs and they all matter.

Since the other witness was murdred they now expect her to witness instead which she refuses at first. She won't witness against her own brother. The police pressure her to though.

It doesn’t take long before Niklas finds out she's back and that she's expected to witness so he asked our friend Speedy to scare her which doesn't end well for anyone. Like i said i don't understand this storyline and believe me I've tried to get every detail right.

Ultimately it all ends with Sonja lying under oath in court, commiting perjury. While it pains me so much that she does it's understandable and it certainly works great as the first little twist of the season.

Niklas and Henrik are released from prison because she won't witness but Niklas immediately gets into trouble with Barry. From here the storyline definitely picks up.

I think I'm going to end this part here and I think there will be at least 3 parts. It's just a messy and long season.

I like it but it's probably my least favourite just because it tends to get too overwhelming for me. That being said I still think it's q great show and I love how all the characters are intertwined.

What do you think of season 2? What do you like about it? Who is your favourite character? Least favourite scene?

[threadsketchier]

I Quit My Job to Do Podfic, & Other Shenanigans

...heyyyyyyyyyyyyy y’all.  (☞ﾟ∀ﾟ)☞

A clickbait-y title for not-so-clickbait-y things: I really did resign from my remote job mid-November to be able to have time to not only podfic, but also completely revamp my apartment.  I’ve been speedrunning the latter so that I can get it over with ASAP and focus on the creative stuff, and I delayed making this post because I wanted something worthwhile to show, but it’s taken a bit longer than I thought, so...heck, it’s Dec. 1st, so yeet.

In all seriousness, the thought of podficcing means a lot to me - so much so that I’ve bitten off quite a mouthful and my first project is over 100,000 words LOL - but moreover, I was really struggling with the fact that between my mom passing away and getting a new job, I only had one month.  That was it.  And I didn’t spend it taking a break, it was spent getting her cremated and cleaning out all of her things for donation.  Almost literally to the day, from Feb. 21st to March 22nd, and within a few weeks my brain started spiraling that I was finally, truly on my own, no longer a caregiver or having to hide my fandom because we didn’t agree on it and faced with a home that wasn’t in a configuration I needed or suited me...but I didn’t have enough time and spoons around a full-time job to make any significant headway on changing my apartment or being able to record and edit what will likely be 15-20 hours of narration, not to mention wanting to make more art.  The home stuff alone is a lot for one person, even in a small 1-bedroom unit.  There’s areas in here that have been neglected for years because dealing with Mom’s health issues and my previous, much more murderous full-time job, and then COVID, eclipsed all that, and now it’s overwhelming.

Bless my boss, he’s the best I’ve ever had; he was cool with my situation after I explained how I felt and he told me mental health comes first, the company second.  Yeah, I felt like an idiot for only spending 7 months with them and giving up a remote job I didn’t have to commute for.  And I know I’ll have to crawl back to employment yet again in the next few months, because I don’t have millions of followers on a lucrative social media platform.  Truthfully, I don’t know how I’ll cope with corporate employment for the rest of my life, because working at something that doesn’t involve fandom or creativity fills me with a despair bordering on physical pain, but that’s a problem for near-future me.

In the meantime, I’m just going to put it out there that I will have to make some expenses to assist me in producing the best content I can manage, and I know more than likely nothing will come of it, but I’ll remind everyone I have a ko-fi page now, so if you’re able to and feel like it, yeeting a few bucks in there would be super duper greatly appreciated.  I’d like to make my recordings sound as decent as possible (for my non-existent knowledge on audio editing), and I’m tired of passing off shitty photographs of my artwork with details getting lost.  This is the lineup of what I’d like to procure first (and if anyone has suggestions for additional or more inexpensive tools, feel free to let me know):

REAPER license - $60

Nectar Elements plugin - $129 (my goal with this software, at bare minimum, is to reduce the “canned” quality my voice takes on with a raw recording)

Art/Document scanner (extra hi-res) - $249

Sponsoring even a fraction of these would be awesomesauce.  FEED THE MILLENNIAL MONEY RACCOON HERE.  ʕ•ᴥ•ʔ  ♪~ ᕕ(ᐛ)ᕗ

***(At a friend’s urging I did cave and install Venmo on my phone, for anyone who prefers that.  I guess you can send me a non-anon ask or DM if that’s your weapon of choice?)

Like I said, I’d love to have included some pics of my new setup or a range of voice samples or fresh artwork, etc. etc., to make this post feel like...I can earn what I’m asking for, lol?  But yeah, as soon as I can finish with furniture rearrangement/replacement, I’ll post before & after shots and finally get cracking on more fun stuff.

(Yes, I’ll probably reblog this a few times to get as many eyeballs as possible, apologies in advance.)

[sheepprophet]

/rp obv and /lh for the most part!

My thinking out loud for who Ranboo could trust with the enderwalk state, in no particular order:

A. Tommy. Probably one of the most obvious choices imo. He's proven to Ranboo specifically that he can be trusted to protect him in a similar situation (the trial about George's house being griefed where Tommy took the fall for him). I think Ranboo knows that Tommy can keep a secret. And Tommy isnt really on any sides at the moment - apart from his friendship with Tubbo which would probably his one loose end that could end up being a deal breaker for Ranboo. I legit think Tommy is objectively the best choice for this job (and i wanna see akward duo reunite as much as the next guy), but we gotta keep in mind who we're dealing with. Ranboo's likely not going to be think of Tommy as someone who's divorced himself from basically all conflict and is just trying to better himself. He's so paranoid about this exact issue, he's probably going to default to thinking Tommy is essentially just between sides right now. Plus, like I said, Ranboo didn't say he needs someone who "isnt on any side", he said he needs someone who's "detached". While Tommy definitely fills the former, he definitly doesn't fill the latter.

B. A lot of chat was suggesting Techno and/or Phil? Which?? My dudes??? No???? Yeah sure they probably wouldn't care, but Ranboo has made it pretty clear that he's really cautious about telling them things like this in fear that one day, they might care. Plus, when they say they don't care, they really mean it. To be honest, I dont think c!Techno or c!Phil are good people to be that vulnerable to? Mainly because this is something that Ranboo is going to need unprompted reassurance with and I dont really think either of them would think to do that? Plus, they're very much on a side, that being their own. When Ranboo says detached, I think he means really detached (or at least as much as humanly possible on this SMP).

C. Fundy. This one is odd because I could totally see it happening, but I can just as easily see it not. Ranboo and Fundy established a pretty strong bond throughout December, but after Doomsday it completely fell through for them both. They clearly still care about each other and that bond is definitely still there, but its been damaged and they've both been afraid to be the first to make an effort to mend it. I genuinely believe if they would just talk, they'd be back to normal in like 10 minutes. But they'd need to talk first and in this case I think Ranboo would be the one to start the conversation, which he's shown discomfort in doing before. However, if they could bridge this gap, l think Fundy would be a very good choice (as long as he could take it seriously). Obviously, Ranboo can trust Fundy on an emotional level and we know Fundy can keep a secret (almost too well) because of the whole A Spy's Diary situation. Fundy also said himself that he currently has no alliances on the smp, aside from probably Ranboo and Ranboo knows this. Additionally, Fundy is one of the only people, along with Puffy, and of course Dream, who have canonically seen him in his enderwalk state. (Tommy did notice him wandering around like he was in it once, but Ranboo hasn't acknowledged that time as canon, so idk). Anyway, I think Fundy would be a pretty solid choice if they can just get their shit together and finally make up.

D. Karl? I see where y'all are coming from with this one and listen, I would also love to see these to interact and bond over their respective memory issues, bookkeeping, and disrealization problems. But, I hate to break it to you that c!Ranboo literally has no clue about any of that. No one does. Karl hasn't told anybody about his ability to time travel and atm doesnt have any plans to. Granted, Ranboo could choose him for other reasons, but I highly doubt it, honestly?

E. Wilbur? I know what i just said, but Hear Me Out. He's not revived right now and we don't know when he will be or what he'll even be like when/if he is. But, a few things we can guarantee is that when/if he is he'll be one of the most detached people on the server (both politically and probably emotionally), he'd have no qualms with helping out Ranboo even if he does turn out to be some awful war criminal, and, based on his interactions with Ghostbur, I think Ranboo might be willing to trust him. And probably my biggest argument for why i like this crack theory: If Wilbur remembers all of the shit he did, that means he'll be one of the few people who would be able to relate to Ranboo. He knows what it's like to have Dream take advantage of your poor/deteriorating mental health and talk you into commiting acts of terrorism. Wilbur also would know what it's like to feel like you can't trust anyone, including yourself, and he could relate to Ranboo's disrealization he's been experiencing. Plus, I just think getting to see these two interact like this would be neat idk. Definitely not going to happen, but I thought I'd inculde the idea here!

F. Eret. Fuck dude, I really want Ranboo to go to Eret about this. Like first of all, Eret is functionally detached from everything right now (I mean that's why Dream has put them on the throne twice now). All Eret cares about is helping those who need it, which would include Ranboo. I also think Ranboo knows he can trust Eret and we all know Eret would be such a sweetheart about comforting the kid, while also understanding the seriousness of the situation and treating it as such. Something that I also thought was interesting was Ranboo emphasizing that it would be ideal if the person has "kept a secret before". Now, Fundy has also kept a big secret before (again, A Spy's Diary), but ya know who was the one other person who knew about Fundy's spy plan and kept the secret (which was someone else's) just as well? Eret. And of course, the reason Eret was the first person who came to mind for me: Eret betrayed L'manberg all that time ago and, obviously, had to keep it a secret and did with ease, even at a time when the writing couldn't protect it for them. Point is, Eret checks this box multiple times over and gets a gold star on it. On the note of Eret's betrayal, what I said about Wilbur knowing what it's like to be used by Dream to commit terrorism/war crimes, also applies to Eret. It's often forgotten that Eret was actually the first person to be used and manipulated by Dream. Eret wanted respect and power and when Dream found out, he promised it to them in the form of a flimsy title and fancy crown in exchange for turning on their friends, Eret took it. They then regretted it almost instantly. Point is, Eret can not only help Ranboo through this with the care and respect he requires, but can also do so by being able to relate to Ranboo on a personal level, which I think Ranboo would respond to. Eret is sort of the closest Ranboo could have to having someone represent what he's afraid he could become - someone who's seen as a filthy traitor and nothing more, never able to earn back the love and respect of their friends. But, Eret could show him that, with time and a lot of effort, he's worthy of forgivess just like they were. I also really want this for Eret. Let Eret be able to use the experience that they view as their biggest mistake, followed by months of paying for it, as a way to be able to help this kid that's grappling with some pretty heavy problems. It would be so healing for the both of them.

[chibivesicle]

Hi, I just read about postponing your meta-writing activities. I hope you've recovered from your covid-infection, and that work has been less stressful to you. I wish you the best and I'm looking forward to read your thoughts on GK again some day :)

Hello,

Thanks for the kind message! I finally finished reading the manga (I ended up letting a bunch of the chapters pile up so I could just read them all). I'm looking to post a reaction to the end of the manga, sometime this month between all the regular life things.

After starting to search for a new job in 2019 (god that hurts my brain to type it out), I finally found a new job and got an awesome offer and all that stuff. But now, it means packing up my home and cat and moving ~1,000 miles in a north and east direction in about a month or so.

The pandemic pretty much killed the job market in 2020 and I had to continue with my current job, which was very stressful from spring 2020-spring 2021. And then fall 2021 reaallllyyyy damn well destroyed me for a whole host of reasons - I had to put in for promotion for my job that I technically didn't want to be promoted for - everyone was excited to be in person for about a week and then collapsed - I got freakkin' strep and it sucked horribly - I got to spend American Thanksgiving recovering from strep on crazy antibiotics which made traveling lovely (I'm still bummed out I didn't have to poop in DFW airport b/c Texas). I had a brief and lovely visit at Christmas to see friends I hadn't seen in years - but then got Covid on the way back and that sucked so bad. The last time I'd been that sick was in fall 2010. Which was likely H1N1 in retrospect.

I swear, I can write a guide about how to look for a new job remotely and the soul sucking levels of shit you have to wade through. Wow, I sound so lovely, but it is true - I worked my full time job and remotely networked in two different locations and applied to jobs. It was - a lot. Writing my GK meta had been a way to deal with my frustration around my current role and at first helped with my eventual decision to leave my current position. The longer the search went on, in the pandemic (which is still totally a pandemic) the less I could motivate myself to write the meta. Like many people, in mid-2021 I looked for a therapist, got wait listed and finally found someone, who has been great. This should be no shock to my readers as I wrote a very personal meta a long time ago with my relationship with my own mental health and what I know is a life long struggle with depression. One of the suggestions of this excellent therapist was to cut back on the busy work that was overtaxing my burnt out brain with my day job. This included:

1.) pausing my watching of the drama Nirvana in Fire, because that is a great drama for detail nerds like myself. You have no idea how much I loved trying to predict things with limited information and I was doing a damn good job of it. I haven't forgotten you NiF, I'll watch you when I'm in my new location.

2.) forcing myself to write GK meta when it was a slog. Now, that I've finished the manga, I will continue to note that the overall, depth and quality dropped after the Karafuto arc. Does this make me think the entire manga was terrible? No, it is still a very very solid manga and I still love certain aspects of it. But it did not deliver a satisfying ending for me. However, other than being the same age as the GK readers in Japan, I do not have anything else in common with them.

3.) encouraging me to do other sorts of activities that were more relaxing or to watch/read things that were still good but not going to turn my brain into full on 'must examine every little detail mode' which is actually bloody hell for me to not just do automatically.

I am so thankful that I was lucky enough to find a professional at the time I needed it. Yet at the same time, I'm really disappointed at how mental health care is soooo hard to get for many people. We are going to be unpacking the layers of collective PTSD we all have from the impact of the pandemic - for years - maybe even the rest of our lives.

An unusual result of the manga and reading about Ogata did result in me adopting my cat when I did. I can thank Noda for that idea, I love my cat and he was adopted long before the pandemic lock downs, but it was nice to have him around. Unlike most cats, he loved lock down and got to see me all day every day. He was more upset I returned to work in the summer of 2020 than one would have expected but all in all he's a lovely cat.

Anyhoo, I'll likely write out a few metas here and there before putting a bow on it and calling it good. The manga may have ended on a let down, but I found a great community in the fandom and can't thank Noda enough for that. United by a love and interest in Ogata.

[kirksfattitties]

asks you can smell the privilege and internalized ableism radiate from

(tw for ableism and other bigoted implications)

i’m bad at reading tone but even i understand that this is 100% you being condescending and trying to cover it up with smiley faces and false sincerity. and i don’t appreciate that.

before i get into deconstructing your shitty ableist argument, i want to explain the reasons i believe in self diagnosis (self-dx):

even professional diagnosis doesn’t start with a doctor diagnosing you. there has to be a reason for seeing the doctor. some people see a doctor in their adult life because they’re struggling, some people are taken by their parents, some people are referred or suggested that they see a specialist. whatever it is, you don’t just see a doctor and they magically give you a neurodivergency. people have neurodivergencies before they see doctors and even if they NEVER see a doctor.

the psychiatry system is flawed in MANY ways and to say that it isn’t means you’re denying the experiences of people with less privledge than yourself. also like psychiatry isn’t gonna suck your dick. you don’t have to be a bootlicker lol

in many places (hi hello i’m from america where our government tries to indirectly kill us by not providing us with adequate healthcare! i and many other people have many issues we can’t get fixed because simply our government cares more about the economy than us), seeing a psychiatrist or a therapist or going to a mental hospital or WHATEVER is INCREDIBLY expensive. and to assume that everyone has access and enough time/money/energy/transportation/whatever to do all of that is classist and elitist.

ANYTHING medical (including mental health) is biased towards white cis men. most studies are done on white cis men/boys. because of this, people who aren’t white cis men (or people who aren’t perceived as white cis men) are often not diagnosed. the system is racist. the system is sexist. the system is transphobic. people don’t know how to diagnose autism or adhd or personality disorders or other neurodivergencies or even mental illnesses in black people and other people of color, in women, in trans people, etc. and GOD FORBID someone be in multiple (or all) of those categories. saying “just go get diagnosed :)” is a privileged statement to make.

shocker! the psychiatry system is also ableist. if you’re already diasabled (whether it be mental or physical) and you see a doctor about ANOTHER disability? the doctor is most likely going to shoot you down. or at least be weary about someone having mutliple disabilities.

also most people who diagnose are neurotypical. they have never and will probably never experience neurodivergency so they can never fully understand it. they operate off of stereotypes of neurodivergent people and usually only stereotypical behavior of neurodivergent white cis men (which, as i mentioned before, is problematic for anyone who isn’t a white cis man). neurotypical diagnosers don’t know the neurodivergent culture and aren’t trained to recognize very common things (like masking for example).

a professional diagnosis can also be weaponized. not everyone can get a professional diagnosis because there are some neurodivergencies (such as autism and personality disorders) and mental illnesses (like depression) that can have legal and medical respercussions to have in your record. trans people can be denied medical and legal transition for being professionally diagnosed. people can lose custody battles for being professionally diagnosed. a professional diagnosis can be used as justification for taking away someone’s body autonomy (especially if that person is also physically disabled).

a LOT of neurodivergencies also have some type of symptom (or symptoms) that make it difficult to interact with people. troubles recognizing facial expressions, troubles understanding certain phrases and types of speech, paranoid about people, audio processing issues, being nonverbal in an environment that doesn’t accommodate for it, overstimulation, extreme social anxiety, discomfort in new situations, problems with eye contact, and a lot more. because like. for many nd people, interacting with people is very difficult and stressful. and hey. if you want to get a professional diagnosis? take a WILD guess what you have to do? FUCKING INTERACT with people! LIKE?? JEHDJJDKEKKDKDKDS. do you know how many professionally diagnosed nd people i know who made their appointment COMPLETELY on their own without help from a parent or family member or friend? LITERALLY ZERO! and i know A FEW nd people who have professional diagnoses! so if someone has social issues that prevent them from doing tasks like calling and making an appointment, showing up for an appointment, talking during the appointment, etc and ALSO doesn’t have familial or friend support (because newsflash! people who are friends/family of disabled people can still be ableist)? almost impossible to get a diagnosis! plus, the diagnosis process is TIME CONSUMING. not everyone can focus on a task for that long and not everyone can miss work/school for that long.

so those are the reasons i support self-dx. (although there’s probably more that i’m forgetting but i have adhd and it’s hard for me to remember things!)

so hopefully you now understand my reasons for believing in self-dx, and perhaps even you’re pro-self-dx now because before you were just uneducated on these issues and how they impact people who aren’t you.

but in case you’re still anti-self-dx and probably hate already-marginalized neurodivergent people, let’s talk about this horrendous ask (series of asks, actually) that i got sent. i feel like i can feel the self hatred and internalized ableism OOZING from this ask and into my inbox, so thanks for that i guess /s

“Sometimes people who self diagnose can take away from those who are actually nd, even sometimes from themselves.”

starting out strong with the ableism on this one by separating people into “self diagnosed” and “actually nd” people. self diagnosed people ARE actually nd

there’s not a limited number of nd resources. this isn’t a math equation of only x amount of people can be nd because there’s only y amount of resources. more people realizing they’re nd will actually MAKE more resources for nd people and will bring more awareness to being nd

even IF someone self diagnosed, and they go back on it later, what harm was done? they learned some coping mechanisms? they made some nd friends? neither of those are problematic and i think they’re both actually very helpful. i think nt people SHOULD learn more about nd people and stuff because i think that will lead to WAYYY less misunderstandings and WAYYYY less ableism

“There are many people who fake nds for attention,”

hey anon, what fucking world do you live in that nd’s are cool enough to fake having? because i would LOVE to live there. like, i literally had a post about my personality disorder (which i will not be specifying) i had to delete because people were sending my anons about how i was “scary” and “threatening” now that they knew i had the personality disorder i have. last year i left a discord server because the ableism i was recieving from not only the members of the server, but the mods as well. there are very few people i know irl who i tell about my personality disorder, but when i tell people about my adhd, they start treating me different. they infantalize me and make fun of me and use “jokes” about stereotypical adhd behaviors to alienate me and they even TELL OTHER PEOPLE without my permission. i was SEVERELY bullied throughout elementary and middle school for being nd. i have been refused job and educational opportunities as well as literal medical attention for being nd. people aren’t “faking” being nd, and if they were they probably wouldn’t be doing it for long because it’s not something that’s EASY to deal with.

kinda ironic that you’re saying people can’t diagnose themselves but that YOU can tell when someone is faking their diagnosis. that’s both hypocritical and a double standard.

masking exists. if you think someone isn’t “acting nd enough” they’re probably masking because they’ve been fucking bullied and harrassed. also you’re probably basing whatever you think nd is on stereotypes. not every nd person is sheldon cooper lol.

this is a side note but can we talk about how you’re literally just taking transmed rhetoric and molding it to fit nd people? like. you really come onto MY NONBINARY NEURODIVERGENT blog and expect me to validate your recycled “but what about the REAL [insert group] people?” ??? like grow up, elitist. you’re not better than anyone else just because you lick some boots 🥾 👅

“and claiming that self diagnosis (and this is just what I interpreted) is just as valid as professional diagnosis”

it is 😌

the only difference between self diagnosis and professional diagnosis is that a professional diagnosis can also get you medicine. not every neurodivergency needs meds and not every neurodivergency can be treated (at this time or even ever). for example, my pd (self diagnosed) doesn’t have a specific treatment but multiple symptoms of the pd (all professionally diagnosed) have specific treatments and medicines that work, so patients are given/diagnosed with/prescribed those instead. also, medicine doesn’t work for everyone! and sometimes people are allergic to or take medicines that will conflict with any new medicine.

“can really devalue the account of someone who actually has a disorder”

here we go again with that “self diagnosed” vs “actually nd” bullshit. literally just say you hate poor people n minorities and leave lol

someone having a different experience than you isn’t devaluing you, but if you’re the one who always has the spotlight maybe you should use your privledge uplift other marginalized people instead of feeling angry when everything isn’t all about you 100% of the time

“I have a second ask”

i don’t want it

“Plus it can be damaging for a person if they self diagnose wrong.”

how? what if they learn information that they wouldn’t’ve otherwise known like coping mechanisms that help them with their own neurodivergencies? that’s definitely not a bad thing

i think it’s funny that you bring up that people can self diagnose wrong and don’t even MENTION that doctors can diagnose wrong. like. you know. the people who GIVE OUT MEDICINE to people. i think it’s MUCH more dangerous when a PROFESSIONAL diagnosis is wrong. what are self-dx people with wrong diagnoses gonna do? read up on nd tips? maybe smoke some weed? drink some coffee? that’s about all they can do with a self-dx. but if a MEDICAL PROFESSIONAL gives you an INCORRECT diagnosis, they can ACTUALLY fuck you up.

“I was recently diagnosed with PTSD, a disorder which I would have never considered I’d have.”

that’s great about your professional diagnosis! i don’t know you but i’m glad you’re finding out about yourself and getting the help you want and/or need /srs

sorry if this sounds blunt, but honestly i’m not surprised you never considered you could have PTSD. based on your asks, you sound like you have a lot of internalized ableism you need to work through and a lot more research about neurodiversity you need to do. being anti-self diagnosis is a common belief among a lot of people with internalized ableism and a lot of these same people are the ones who have no issue with and even SUPPORT auti$m $peaks. many nd organizations that are run BY nd people (like asan) actually support self-dx.

“If I had of diagnosed my own symptoms and then started treating myself or taking precautions based on my self diagnosed "condition", it could of really hurt me.”

how? taking precautions to preserve your mental health is NEVER a bad idea. i’m not ptsd, but someone i care deeply about DOES have ptsd and has shared a lot of the precautions and coping mechanisms for ptsd with me and honestly they’ve been incredibly helpful. it’s almost as if different neurodivergencies and/or mental illnesses have overlap and that’s why there’s a whole community for us to be able to share these resources and information with each other!

the same person was rejected a formal autism diagnosis because of their ptsd, plus the fact that they’re transgender and the fact they have symptoms of adhd. it’s not really my place to talk about their experience with professional diagnosis, but i’ll send this post to them and allow them to add on their experience in a rb if they’re comfortable with that. but it’s almost as if their experience with the professional diagnosis process was unhelpful, harmful, ableist, and transphobic 🧐 and unfortunately this is a pretty common experience

“Also, by self diagnosing, I devalue the account of a person with the disorder l assumed I had.”

how? if someone thinks they’re nd, they have a legitimate reason for thinking so. either they have another neurodivergency than the one they thought they had, or they’re neurotypical and need to figure themself out and have a need for support. either way, they learned more about the specific neurodivergency, more about the nd community, and more about themself. i don’t see how that’s a bad thing.

if you think self-diagnosed people’s experiences inherently have less value, that is straight up ableism. especially considering that other marginalized identities and minorities have trouble getting professional diagnoses, you might also be bigoted in some other way. or at the very least, refusing to acknowledge your privilege.

“only one more I promise”

i don’t want it

“I understand that doctors are expensive and professionals can get it wrong,”

okay. if you understand this, then dm me your information so i can bill you for the cost of my professional diagnoses, the cost for my therapy sessions, the cost for my medicine, and the cost for transportation to and from all these places. PLUS the cost of the work and school i’ll be missing for these sessions. 🤲

“but self diagnosis can be really harmful to yourself or others.”

nah, you’re just ableist and a gatekeeper lol

“If you feel like you have a disorder, go see a psychiatrist, you may have it.”

[remembers when i went to a psychiatrist who diagnosed me with two major symptoms of a personality disorder and said i had other symptoms of the pd as well but refused to diagnose me with the actual personality disorder because i was a minor at the time and he told me “kids don’t have personalities so they can’t have personality disorders”. i understand being weary about diagnosing children with personality disorders because they aren’t fully developed but this dude straight up told me that i didn’t have a personality. this man literally only worked with children so that means he literally never diagnosed personality disorders. this man was literally just lazy and didn’t care about his patients. this man also refused to believe me when i told him the medicine he prescribed me made my symptoms worse and even made me hallucinate. he ignored me and refused to change my medicine so eventually i just changed psychiatrists and they put me on a new medicine that DIDNT make my symptoms worse and DIDNT make me hallucinate. also i looked it up after our session and apparently ONLY people with my pd and related ones experience hallucinations on that certain medication. it’s almost like his refusal to diagnose me and ignoring my symptoms/concerns harmed me. this man also constantly misgendered me and told me that homosexuality and transgenderism should’ve still been in the dsm. like golly, it’s almost as if being queer and neurodivergent in an extremely conservative state is harmful and dangerous. and that psychiatrists aren’t immune from being homophobic and transphobic and ableist.] but yes :) perhaps i should see another psychiatrist in this conservative state :)

“I don't want to undermine anyone's actual experiences, but it can be dangerous.”

then stop undermining people’s actual experiences :)

no ❤️

“If you feel like something's wrong, go see a professional.”

the whole point of the neurodiversity movement is that there IS no such thing as a “normal” brain, so saying that neurodivergent people have something “wrong” with them is ableist.

💰 🤲 hand it over

“I don't want to offend, I just don't want anyone to get mislead or hurt. :)”

you absolutely meant to offend. you literally said that self-diagnosed people’s experiences aren’t valid and have less value than people who have professional diagnoses

i know more people who have been (and personally have been) mislead and hurt by professionals than by simply existing as a self-diagnosed person

also i want to say that being pro-self dx is NOT being anti-professional/formal diagnosis. i think that people should absolutely get a professional diagnosis (if they are able to without negative repercussions)! being pro-self dx is more inclusive of marginalized people (like people of color, women, lgbtq+ people, people with multiple disabilities, etc). pro-self dx is simply just saying that professional diagnosis isn’t the only option

(neurotypical people and anti-self dx people don’t add anything; pro-self dx neurodivergent people are allowed to add with their experiences if they want)

[lifewithchronicpain-original]

Protests Can Never Be All Inclusive for Disabled People.

This doesn’t mean protests are problematic, it just means that while we can do things to help disabled people stay involved, there’s nothing we can do to make them universally inclusive for disabled people. I want to explain why and suggest ways we can include all disabled people in activism.

First of all, the number one condition disabled Americans have is chronic pain. We use wheelchairs as symbols of disability, which doesn’t bother me, but can leave the impression that disability is just about limited mobility. Therefor, measures taken to include disability in protests can be somewhat limited. But shout out to the BLM movement because I have seen them talk about this and try their best. Sometimes that’s all we can do.

If you navigate the disability world you’ll find that wheelchairs aren’t some devil chair you’re “stuck” in but a device of freedom just out of reach. So many people with pain conditions could benefit from a wheelchair, but they’re a privilege not a right. (Something that needs to be changed) that means that someone with severe pain may have no choice to walk the protest route and suffer days of agony after. Some people may decide the cause is worth it, others understandably don’t have the meds or home support system to deal with a flare that could land them out of work and a job.

Let’s also consider for a second, those disabled with mental health conditions. The older and sicker I got the more anxiety I developed about going out. I often have to psyche myself up because I’m so afraid of the physical and mental challenges of being outside and/or around people. Protests are inherently not friendly to people with conditions like these.

I could go on but the point is, there are people who desperately want to protest, can’t, and suffer for that lack of protest. No one ever disucssss the high suicide rate of pain patients because pain patients are too sick to force you to be aware of the issue. We are not helpless, but we could use a little help.

How can mentally and physically demanding protests include a very vulnerable portion of the population? I think we need to continue to discuss and expand what accessibility means, which is going to be very diffferent depending on the groups.

We also need to expand our definition of protest. Sometimes being a protester isn’t being out in the street. Sometimes it’s phone and letter campaigns. Sometimes it’s support actions like meals or daycare for protestors. Don’t just think about the protest itself, but what people can do to support it.

We must also accept that as a group, disabled people are inherently disenfranchised due to our illness. We don’t need abled body people to tell us we deserve rights, we need you to tell those who would deny them to us. Remember disabled people in your activism, because ableism cuts across all identities and insinuates itself in every -ism it can.

Lastly, just because many of us may not be able to access protests, don’t forget to center and lift the voices of the disabled who have fought so hard to be there. Don’t just assume all disability activism is speaking for those who can’t be there to the detriment of those who are there. We are diverse, and we all have something to say.

[tmabigbang]

Masterpost of TMA Big Bang 2020 Fics

To prevent clogging up anyone’s dash, we have put all of these fics under a read more since there are 28 wonderful fics created for this bang, which makes for a bit of a long post! Below the cut are links and summaries to all the fics created for this bang! 

In addition to this post, you can also check out our fic page (which you can find here)! The fic page includes links to all the fics, art, and the team members that helped create them! You can also use some basic filters for rating and oneshot/multichapter to find fics.

Thank you again to all our participants, and we will see you next year!

Your Job’s A Joke (You’re Broke) by @bisexualoftheblade and @desert-lily

Ao3: https://archiveofourown.org/collections/tmabb20/works/27590578

Summary: Working at the Magnus Institute was stressful by default. With monsters, mayhem, and potential primordial entities, it has very little expectations for being a comfortable job. However, everyone is allowed to have a little fun sometimes - even an archivist, their assistants, and their really creepy boss. Fueled by spite and a rampant lack of heterosexuality, they all try to balance their work life with a bit of fun and a healthy dose of bullying twelve-times divorced Elias Bouchard.

I Know The End by @williammatagot

Ao3 Link: https://archiveofourown.org/collections/tmabb20/works/27947966

Summary: Except, for all that beautiful poetry, Eliot was wrong, because the world doesn’t end with a bang, sure, but it doesn’t end with a whimper, either. It ends with the distant-yet-deafening voice of the man Martin loves shouting through a ragged, wild throat--I open the door. (The world ends, Jon shatters, and Martin tries to fix it. The house tries, too, in its own way.)

From the Depth of the Spiral by @trickstergod14

Ao3 Link: https://archiveofourown.org/collections/tmabb20/works/27842941

Summary: Michael had no idea what was going on. He suddenly woke up in the tunnels under the Magnus Institute with no memories of the past seven years after that fateful trip to Sannikov Land. Watch as he slowly spirals into madness, regaining his memories while strengthening his bond with the Distortion along the way. Can he hide all this from the other Archival Assistants? What will happen when Jon wakes up from his coma? And what does the newly crowned Distortion Avatar, Helen, have to do with all this?

Every Word I Say is Kindling (But The Smoke Clears When You’re Around) by @ohnoimdeathing

Ao3 Link: https://archiveofourown.org/collections/tmabb20/works/27956897

Summary: The unknowing left Jon stirring in the nightmares of others, watching their torment and suffering and making everything worse. He wanted to wake up, to go back to Martin, Tim, Basira, even Daisy. But he didn’t know how to. Until a voice told him to choose Though, to be honest, he doesn’t remember actually making the choice to stay a monster and live rather than be human and die. The only injury the doctors will talk about is his missing eyes, and why are all the doctors Scottish? At least Martin is here.

Spinning ‘Round (like two sides of a coin) by @awayofunderstandingit

Ao3 Link: https://archiveofourown.org/collections/tmabb20/works/27835756

Summary: Time is a construct. What we know as past, present, and future all exist at the same time, ad infinitum. • Guided not by time but a spoken word poem, follow along the lives of two intertwined souls, Timothy Stoker and Sasha James. The story of their friendship from the time they meet, through growing apart, to when they fall back together, and through their time working at the Magnus Institute. Witness slices of their lives—not memories, memories would suggest the past—as they exist, ad infinitum, even at The End.

retrouvailles by @jet-siquliak

Ao3 Link: https://archiveofourown.org/collections/tmabb20/works/27818092

Summary: The Magnus Institute burns. The archivist, for all intents and purposes, burned with it. In a dingy hospital room lies what remains - Jonathan sims. weak, powerless, and insignificant. On Jon’s last day in the hospital, Martin awakes from a coma, unscathed. Melanie King kicks the dirt that once housed the institute. Tim stoker wakes up in the middle of nowhere. Elias Bouchard is dead. No one knows where to go from there. Or: the destruction of one home and the making of another.

Still, I’ll Always Keep the Memory by @revolutionnaire-e

Ao3 Link: https://archiveofourown.org/collections/tmabb20/works/27932125

Summary: [MARTIN turns, stepping out of the shadows towards him. It is blood, not tears. His left eye is not his own. His eyes never shone that blinding green, never shone with such malice or self-satisfied pride.] MARTIN BLACKWOOD Pleasure to see you again, Archivist.

Making Home by @cuddlytogas

Ao3 Link: https://archiveofourown.org/collections/tmabb20/works/27664805

Summary: After the events in the Panopticon, Jon and Martin rush to leave London. But making their home in an idyllic safe house isn't that easy: between the layer of dust, and Forsaken still clinging to Martin's heels, it could be some time before they reach an understanding.

called your name ‘til the fever broke by @corpsesoldier

Ao3 Link: https://archiveofourown.org/collections/tmabb20/works/27845161

Summary: Basira made a promise to her partner. At the end of the world, a monster comes and demands she keep it.

assorted family photos by @lesbianbirds

Ao3 Link: https://archiveofourown.org/collections/tmabb20/works/27903979

Summary: When setting off on a research trip, it is advised that you prepare yourself for certain oddities that may greet you. or; key moments in a world where the entities are weaker and everyone got a bit more therapy

Timothy Stoker’s Guide to Dating by @pezilla

Ao3 Link: https://archiveofourown.org/collections/tmabb20/works/27841267

Summary: Timothy Stoker has a lot of advice when it comes to matters of the heart, online agony aunt, gossip monger and general love guru. He has a list and he sticks to it. Or he did. That was before he took a job at the Magnus Institute and before he met three of the most fascinating and frustrating people to ever come into his life. Rule #7 under no circumstances fall for a co-worker. Yeah, that rule was starting to become a problem.

Running the Institute by @drowsy-salamander

Ao3 Link: https://archiveofourown.org/collections/tmabb20/works/27878306

Summary: Caroline Ferguson, the entirety of the Magnus Institute's legal department, is furiously ignoring any weirdness that could be going on in her workplace, from the tech issues to the vanishing colleagues to the everything about Artefact Storage, Caroline will turn a very deliberate blind eye. They're are not her problem. Now if only those murders could also stop.

kindred spirits (not so scarce as I used to think) by @pollylittlehigher-littlelower

Ao3 Link: https://archiveofourown.org/collections/tmabb20/works/27914821

Summary: An Anne of Green Gables inspired AU, set in modern day England. Jon and Georgie are childhood best friends, but the two stop talking after a falling out. Even doing their best to avoid each other, Georgie struggles to escape him, even while dealing with her own mental health issues and a blossoming romance with her housemate, Melanie. Is Jon truly the kindred spirit she once considered him? Or will the two eventually part ways for good?

Friends of Empty Graves by @artswaps

Ao3 Link: https://archiveofourown.org/collections/tmabb20/works/27974807

Summary: After the coffin, she cuts her hair. Who is Alice Tonner? People are searching for her in the space she left behind, in the person she was. Daisy looks elsewhere, and tries not to choke.

just let the feeling grow by @ajkal2

Ao3 Link: https://archiveofourown.org/collections/tmabb20/works/27838447

Summary: Jon is a musician. He plays songs for a living. Except love songs. He doesn't do love songs, and he makes this quite clear with anyone interested in working with him. Except his manager has booked him for a wedding. Without asking. With days before the festivities start, Jon needs help. Desperately. He won't get it from his hosts, the Lukas family. He certainly won't get it from his manager. However, there's a certain amateur poet on the Lukas' staff who has a talent for making love sound genuine.

World Cold and Hard, Moth Boy Warm and Soft by @lcjenkinswriting

Ao3 Link: https://archiveofourown.org/collections/tmabb20/works/27827491

Summary: Jon, a young moth fairy, leaves the nest in search of a place that feels like home

tapes winding forward by @ghostbustermelanieking

Ao3 Link: https://archiveofourown.org/collections/tmabb20/works/27858721

Summary: Martin ignores him, stops him mid-sentence to say, "Jon, what have you heard about time travel?" --- Martin and Jon wake up two years in the future. It goes about as well as can be expected.

MAG 26.5: Beach Episode by @ebenrosetaylor

Ao3 Link: https://archiveofourown.org/collections/tmabb20/works/27882746

Summary: Sasha is aware of the rising tensions in the archives after Martin was stalked by Prentiss and after she had her own encounter with Michael. In an attempt to boost morale and bring them closer together, Tim suggests that they all visit the beach to unwind and get their minds off of all things paranormal. Sasha takes it upon herself to make sure that everyone has fun and relaxes, but she forgets to give herself that luxury.

Rewrite The Rulebook by @radiosandrecordings

Ao3 Link: https://archiveofourown.org/collections/tmabb20/works/27823774

Summary: "Panic! Bloody panic! I've been out since I was fifteen and never once actually brought someone home. I think I just wanted to seem like I had my life together, y’know? Mainly I just... I think I just wanted someone to be there with me, so I wasn't just alone with her the entire time. A bit of comfort.” There was pause as Martin let out a dramatic sigh, seemingly relieved to ramble out his thoughts. "... I could go with you. If you want."

A Test In Patience by @talking4the1

Ao3 Link: https://archiveofourown.org/collections/tmabb20/works/27917749

Summary: Elias is going about his day as the new head of the Magnus Institute in 1995. Some spreadsheets to do, meetings to attend mundane and supernatural. Nothing seems out of place until The Eye calls him to Bournemouth.

Of Mothers and Memory by @loverdontleave

Ao3 Link: https://archiveofourown.org/collections/tmabb20/works/27856585

Summary:  There is a story to be told, of two people, a mother and a son. Of their history together, and the sacrifices they made for each other. Perhaps they loved each other once, but that thread of connection has weakened on one end, fraying away. And it is so, so cold.

Would That I Were Golden Dust by @that-one-girl-behind-you

Ao3 Link: https://archiveofourown.org/collections/tmabb20/works/27734197

Summary: The world is a lot more dangerous with your soul walking by your side, and Entities aren’t shy about feeding on golden Dust.

Till Death, Parted by @bigowlenergy

Ao3 Link:https://archiveofourown.org/collections/tmabb20/works/27749680

Summary: Jon gets caught after ripping out Gerry’s page by Trevor & Julia, and through a comedy of errors ends up engaged as an excuse. Somehow, Jon gets out alive, Gerry is freed, and they have the two hunters accompanying them as bodyguards - and as best man and best woman - without a fight. Living alone in Gerry’s London safe house afterwards will be totally fine. Jon is fine. He knows what coping is and everything! Totally fine.

The Spoken Word by @drumkonwords

Ao3 Link: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27802708/chapters/68066326

Summary: Jon wants. Their pinky twitches — stretching and curling to the tune of something musical. The song of wanting, with its motifs of long, low notes. Starting quiet and mumbling up into Jon’s chest until the strings of their heart vibrate like the strings of a double bass and all they can do is wonder who’s tune they’re matching. But they know.

First Aid by @platypik

Ao3 Link: https://archiveofourown.org/collections/tmabb20/works/27948284

Summary: Jon is certain Martin has been acting strangely all morning. When Martin offhandedly mentions he took a bad tumble off the tube to work, Jon suddenly Knows that the fall had given Martin a nasty fracture. Despite his desperate pleading, Martin stubbornly refuses to let Jon drive him to the hospital. In fact, it seems he would much rather take care of it himself than have Jon worry and fuss over him. Jon would disagree.

Burning Bright, In the Forests of the Night by @triffidsandcuckoos

Ao3 Link: https://archiveofourown.org/collections/tmabb20/works/27915400

Summary: The safehouse bursts into flames at their backs. You can choose to change the path. Just be ready for what else you might change.

i’ve been static for too long by @furryjefferson

Ao3 Link: https://archiveofourown.org/collections/tmabb20/works/27887878

Summary: Jonathan Sims ends up with a stranger’s phone on the way home from work. All signs point to the Magnus Institute, and all roads lead to its mysterious archivist: Martin Blackwood.

through the clouds like a moonbeam by @digital-waterfall 

Ao3 Link: https://archiveofourown.org/collections/tmabb20/works/27877402

Summary: After passing through the Vast’s domain, Jon is left with an unexpected surprise-- a pair of wings. Unsurprisingly, Martin finds them beautiful. Also unsurprisingly, Jon does not.