#in which Sara reads

[banannabethchase]

If I had a nickel for every time a stellar thriller YA major debut was followed up by two sequels increasing exponentially in darkness while keeping the heart and development of the characters and story, I'd have two nickels, which isn't a lot but it's weird that it happened twice.

[momentomori24]

Keiji is a character that I'm pretty sure every one of us can recognize is an absolute weirdo (ok maybe some are too hard on copium for the "weirdo" part) and sketchy as hell, but thinking about everything he's done it really feels like he's so much shady and ruthless than we give him credit for. So here's me bulletpointing some the moments that I haven't seen too many talk about, a little theory throwing his status into question and addressing the massive elephant in the room that almost everyone refuses to acknowledge. If there's something else you feel I missed or wanted to evaluate on, do leave it in the comments.

[Also, disclaimer: I will be discussing Keiji and Sara in a romantic light near the end of this post, so if that makes you uncomfortable please proceed with caution or skip entirely. This should go without saying but for my own sake I will say it anyway-- No, I do not condone their relationship in real life. No, this is not meant to be "shippy" or endorsement of any kind. This will simply be pointing out their dynamic as another example to prove the whole point of this rant. But if someone else does ship them that's totally fine. Fiction doesn't equal reality and if you harass a real person over fictional characters you will not see the light of heaven. Be civil, please and thank you. My block button is rated E for Everyone and if anyone decides to ignore the warnings and be an asshole I won't hesitate to use it. Thanks for listening. Disclaimer over.]

*Being a murderer.

I feel like I should start with the most obvious and undeniable. I don't think this is debatable to anyone here. Mr. Policeman may have been an accident and kinda confirmed by Midori to have been set up, but he still shot and killed an unarmed man in a moment of panic and recklessness. Even putting that aside, there's no denying that he killed Megumi in cold blood to get out of his debt to her and covered it up to the group to preserve his credibility. Regardless of what you think of Megumi, he has no excuse here. Not only is he one more kill away from being a serial killer, he's the only participant in our group that has actually killed people directly aside from Alice. Another reason why I bring this up is cuz something that completely flew over my head is this:

At the start of the game he had the audacity to complain about not having a partner or someone he knows with him like Sara does as if he didn't literally let Megumi get ripped apart by chains probably not even an hour ago Keiji what the hell--

*Throwing Kanna under the bus repeatedly.

Despite positioning himself as a protector and someone to rely on, he's far from above putting their youngest members in danger. Next to voting for the fourteen year old girl to die, he had the great idea of letting said fourteen year old be the one to babysit their biggest liability. Up to the point where they would stay in the same room both day and night. While I absolutely 100% trust that Sou would never EVER do anything to her, Keiji had no guarantee of that when he send her off. Hell, he literally just got done accusing Sou of setting Joe up to die (which I don't believe almost solely based on the fact that he said it, more on that another time maybe). He knew Sou was bad news, and openly acknowledges how adults can be terrifying, but he did it anyway. The dubiety of throwing the already traumatised little girl to keep watch on what they thought to be the most dangerous adult that had manipulated her once before is not lost on me, and that he didn't take any responsibility for her afterwards isn't lost on me either. To be fair, the Sou and Kanna thing doesn't just fall on him, it falls on everybody (Alice gets a pass because he actually swapped out with Kanna to watch Sou for her), but he was the one with the final say on the matter and who encouraged her to take the role despite Reko's rightful protests. The fact that he also voted for her to die in the Main Game, and is the only adult to do so, doesn’t help his case.

*Attempting to frame Sou knowing Reko was actually responsible.

While you could argue he was trying to cover for her since he knew why she did what she did, trying to pin this act on Sou to cast more doubt on his is extremely shitty. Never mind the blatant corruption and the irony of a supposed man of the law abusing his power to knowingly frame an innocent person (in this situation at least), and him sowing more seeds of confusion and resentment within an already rattled group, and giving Sou legitimate reason to be suspicious of him (and by extension Sara)-- this makes it so difficult to trust him after realising he's done this. Literally every time he accuses someone of being or doing something suspicious (mostly Sou), I always have to think in the back of my head if he’s telling the truth or just telling a blatant lie. He's shown that he's willing to not only lie to cover for himself, but to lie to delegitimize someone else. And Sara never caught onto it (Sou and maybe even Nao likely did tho). She never openly acknowledged it-- No one did. The complete lack of mention of what he did here makes this action quite missable. Hell, I didn't even catch it the first time. Has he done this before? Who else has he lied about? Who else would he lie about? Who else would he knowingly pit against the group? You don't have to wait for that answer, because I will provide an example later. And with "later", I mean now.

*Casting suspicion on Gin before the vote while hiding the fact that he killed Megumi.

While it's not as blatant as with Kanna, there are two instances where Keiji shows a readiness to either put or leave Gin in harm's way. The biggest one for me is in the Main Game. Like, how dare you. That is a furry child, sir. This kid’s like TWELVE. Even though he makes a valid point about calling out suspicious actions to clear them up so we can all trust each other, casting doubt on Gin of all people right there feels pretty screwed to me. This was before the preliminary vote. His words could’ve very well gotten Gin voted for if he couldn’t disclose why he did what he did for whatever reason and therefore being unable to clear himself from suspicion. It’s even more fucked when you realise that Keiji has literally murdered his partner and is currently planning to get Sou killed while giving this whole spiel about doubting others so that we can believe them and pointing the finger at a little kid to make an example to the group. But when Nao, Sou and Sara call him out on his suspicious actions that could rightfully damage his credibility, he tries to shut them down completely. My brother in Christ, you brought it on FIRST (don’t get me wrong I’m very much aware he didn’t really mean the whole “trusting each other” bit but come on dude)--

Speaking about not meaning what he says:

*Letting the group think he’s Ok to vote for knowing he’s the Keymaster.

This kinda got to me because I thought this was Keiji actually being… vulnerable? Accepting the consequences of his actions and allowing them to vote for him in their distrust without protest even tho it could cost him his life, maybe. Correct me if I’m wrong, but I can’t remember a lot of times-- or any times, really-- where Keiji has willing put himself into the line of fire, at this point at least. He always finds a way to keep himself safe, give himself insurance, and I thought that this would be the one time he doesn’t do that. But this feels so ominous looking back knowing that he was the Keymaster the whole time. That our distrust and betrayal and his resignation to it all didn’t matter because he was going to be safe no matter what. That he knowingly allowed us to assume that he was a safe vote because he didn’t want his plan to kill Sou to be ruined, which narrowed down choice of people we can safely vote for even further. That this action is ultimately the reason why Sou and Kanna were our only options to kill off in the end. If he had admitted it there, we could’ve found someone else to vote for so our final options could consist of three people, not two. But he didn’t, and the rest is history. There’s a lot of things he’s done I can’t get over. This one ranks pretty high. The second Main Game is already a huge sore spot for me for obvious reasons; knowing that a lot of the things that happened were due to his inaction where it truly mattered and activity in all the wrong places doesn’t make me fee any better. He didn't say he was a safe vote-- he didn't lie-- but his words carefully omit that voting for him means a total party death, something he should've stated then (and before this, really).

*Leaving Sara with the sacrifice card.

Despite making a big show about “always being by her side” and being her “reliable policeman”, he chose to look away when she was in real danger. He attached himself to her as her right hand man, made her shoulder the responsibility of being the leader, constantly manipulated and flattered her to win her trust and gain her favour-- but when she needed him the most, he basically left her for dead because it was the most beneficial to him. Keep in mind that not only did he know about her getting the sacrifice (he was also the sage so he'd have seen the trade happen), but he had the tokens to help her get rid of it. But those tokens weren’t for her life. They were for his. He used them instead to give himself the Keymaster as insurance for the Main Game (the Keymaster he stole from Sou/Kanna most likely to buy Sara’s trust btw). His desperation for survival outweighed his sense of obligation to keep her safe, and that’s the most subtle yet transparent he’s been about his selfishness. What makes this so much worse is that Keiji is our support character. He’s an ally, and our closest one at that, to the point where Sara burned her hands in a futile attempt to rescue him and signed her life away to save his. And yet his loyalty and protectiveness pale in comparison to other characters. Compare his actions to Sou’s: one of their many parallels and similarities is that both their girls get hit with the sacrifice card. As we’ve established, Keiji was fully aware of Sara being send the sacrifice by Sou, had 50 tokens ready to go and chose to secure his own survival than save her life. Kanna ended up doing it instead, attempting to trade the card off Sara with Sou realising what happened immediately. And what does Sou do? Completely bend over backwards trying to keep her alive. He lied about being the Sacrifice so the others wouldn’t suspect Kanna of having that role, meaning he could try gathering vote for her without anyone seeing his true intentions. He tried to stop her about coming out with the truth of what she had done so she doesn’t sentence herself to death. After everything he did to survive-- after how much he lied, how much he schemed, how much he hurt, and how he had thrown himself away to replace everything that made him Shin with the man that had traumatised him years before the game began to scrape together even the tiniest chance to survive-- he threw it all to the wind and was willing to let it all be in vain if it meant she got to make it out of the Main Game alive. The worst part is that Sou had never intended to make it through that Main Game. He confessed to already knowing that Kanna would choose Sara over him if she truly had the Sacrifice card. Yet he still did what he did all in the hopes that she could win. Because it was all about her survival first, not about them surviving together.

It also gives a different context to Sou's panic and him stumbling over his words trying to come up with any argument to get them to stop. At first I thought that Sou was afraid for his life. Which would make sense-- Keiji and Q-taro set him up to die and seemed pretty adamant on having everyone voting for him to get it all over with. But he was already prepared to die the minute he realised Kanna traded with Sara. So it means it wasn’t his life he was fearing for here-- it was hers. To him, if they voted for him there, it wouldn’t have just been his end but hers too. But we know that Kanna isn’t the one who has the sacrifice. It’s Nao, and considering how the Main Game can end either or both of them dead, I wonder if he regrets not having given up there, not letting Keiji get away with that shitty stunt he pulled knowing it would’ve at least guaranteed her safety than leave her fate in hands of a girl with enough reason to kill her. Ignoring the sounds of my heart shattering into pieces for the 100th time thinking about the Greenblings, it’s so fascinating that our biggest rival and most distrusted member has a greater sense of loyalty and responsibility for his ally than Keiji has for his own. Sou can be a liar and manipulative and selfish, but for how unpredictable he is something I can always trust is his love for those he holds dear (Kanna) and general desire to protect our most vulnerable (Gin). Sou loves Kanna, and so he’s fine with protecting her even if it comes at a price he never wanted to pay. Keiji surely cares about Sara, but unfortunately that is something I can’t say about him-- at least at that time (also the fact that Sou ended up taking more care and responsibility for Kanna despite Keiji having been the one to throw her on him in the first is so ironic).

*Continuously pushing Sara to take on the role of leader.

I think one of Keiji's biggest failures in the game come from his treatment of Sara despite positioning himself as her most reliable ally and her partner. From the very get-go, he was very adamant of making Sara be the one to shoulder the responsibility of the group. He, along with Joe (he didn't do anything wrong here), pushed Sara to be the Challenger during the Russian Roulette, despite Q-taro and Kai being readily available. He made Sara be the one to interrogate the suspicious convict while distancing himself from the situation. And he encourages her to lead them through the Main Game, lets her make the choices that steer them all forward and as a consequence take the fall for them as well. Rather than take on the role himself, or let another adult take it, he places his full trust in her and makes her shoulder everyone's weight so he doesn't have to. And he can see the effect it has on her: having horrific hallucinations due to the immense guilt she feels. But having Sara as their leader gives him a greater shot at survival and helps his credibility, so even though he tries to provide her comfort he still continues to keep her in that role. Again, the high schooler taking responsibility for the adults falls on a lot of the older people here, but Keiji was the one who kickstarted it rather than just go along with it like everyone else had. Gin, Nao, Kanna, Reko and even fucking Sou to an extent all have moments where they take the burden off her and relieve her of that pain she shoulders all the time (or at least try to). I need Keiji to take more responsibility for both the group and for her.

*Pitting Sara and Joe against each other.

This is just another example of the previous point. This isn't as bad, and I could give him the benefit of the doubt that this might have not been intentional, but it's something I want to bring up regardless. I'll be the first to say that Keiji wasn't wrong here. Prying into everyone's votes is a very bad move, especially since no one knew that Mishima would actually die (it was introduced as a practice round, after all). I agree with him, Joe was being rash, but instead of leaving the conversation there, he decided to throw Sara into it to pick a side. Which is... not good. He already won the argument and already had Reko on his side. Bringing in Sara could not only make Joe feel worse and potentially strain their relationship (especially if she rightfully chooses Keiji's side like he was expecting and hoping for), but just puts Sara in the spotlight during something she doesn't want to be part of. While there's a chance he might've done this because he know Joe is more likely to listen to her than him, he should've known better than that. It again makes her take the responsibility of giving the final verdict that would've otherwise gone to him.

*Asking Sara to take responsibility for his life

I've got nothing other that the grown adult swearing his life to the grieving, unstable teenager to take responsibility for while asking her if she'd die along with him is weird as heck. Keiji's said weirder things prior to this, but this one is a different weird. I think Beanieman's post mostly echoes my thoughts on this on, so I'll link it here for this point. This part kinda bothers me:

He shouldn't be encouraging her taking on anymore responsibility than she already is. He knows that the deaths that happened under her leadership haunt her. He knows that she's very much unstable enough already, to the point where he takes baby-steps to avoid triggering her trauma over Joe. He positioned himself as her reliable partner, her rock to lean on (quite literally sometimes). We see first hand how emotionally dependent she is on him. If he died, it would destroy her-- she'd destroy herself over it. He knows this (or should) but he still does it. His disappointment and dismissiveness when she understandably rejects him makes it worse. The guilt of potentially not living up to his expectations is not what she needs.

*Potentially working for Asunaro

This is more ambiguous than everything else here and more a theory than anything but it's been on my mind for a long time that Ranmaru might actually be onto something here. We know that Asunaro has a strong hold on the police. Midori was able to infiltrate the force, and they were able to get rid of Mr. Policeman for looking into the corruption going on, first having Megumi fire him and secondly getting Keiji to kill him by planting false info about the suspect having a gun. Megumi was also able to get Keiji off the hook for murder, which I believe Asunaro had a hand in too (I theorize this might've been her wish). There's also Alice, who was arrested and sent to prison despite the fact that he (legally) didn't kill anyone since Midori was a doll. The police are connected to Asunaro-- by extension Megumi and extending further potentially Keiji.

Something I've seen someone rightfully point out is that neither of the options you're given to say in response to the accusation... actually deny it? Both choices dance around answering directly, which is suspect as fuck. If Keiji truly wasn't with Asunaro, why not shut that theory down immediately? There's no benefit to answering anything but "no" when he's innocent, and he's lied straight to people's faces for less. So why not just debunk it? I think it's cuz there might be some truth to what Ranmaru was saying here. The biggest reason I think this is because despite the fact that Keiji quit the force, he and Megumi were still associating with each other years later. They were kidnapped together and partnered up for their first trial. One missable piece of dialogue is Keiji admitting that he was with his partner-- or rather a "coworker"-- before getting knocked out.

That slip of the tongue and backtracking makes me believe this part to be true. Him switching from "my partner" to "a coworker", which is a lot more distant and impersonal, makes me think it's got to be Megumi. However, I don't believe that Keiji would wanna keep in touch with her after what happened willingly, so I can only imagine that it's due to that debt he has to her. My little game theory here is that after the shooting, the debt he owed her was a forced recruitment into Asunaro. It's the only thing I can imagine he meant by "the worst kind of debt", a debt he'd literally let her die for to get out of. And if this is true, then it could also explain away his instant attachment to Sara, since he'd know beforehand that she's someone he can depend on due to her having the highest chance at survival. Maybe he already knew about her beforehand, one way or the other. We know Hayasaka did (which I think we as a fandom moved on from way too fast btw). Kai and Sou did too. There's always a chance. And unlike Sou's victory rate and Midori's favourite number, it's not zero. One person made a comic about this idea I recommend checking it out, it's tastefully unsettling. But still very much unsetling and uncomfortale. Be warned that it's also Keisara-centred, so if that makes you even more uncomfortable they did the job right you can ignore it. Proceed with caution or don't read if you don't like.

*Being a predator

I have been waiting so long for this one XD For context: a while ago I made a longpost discussing the sanitisation of soushin and this kind of toxic attitudes in fandoms regarding "problematic content" (ships, characters, shows, you name it). In it, I mentioned that it's not only soushin that receives this treatment but a certain other dynamic too. It's not a rainy day, however this has been way overdue and if I don't get this done now I never will.

Something I've seen a lot, and I mean a LOT-LOT is this notion that Keiji acts "like a father" to Sara and that their relationship is a completely platonic father-daughter bond and that he's the resident dad of the group? Like, it's cute, but that's not at all what their relationship is. At all. Not even a little bit. We called Sou and Kanna siblings before the Greenblings reveal. The difference is that not only does half the fandom think this man is gay, but he's only ever been protective and caring and loving without any romantic intentions towards Kanna ever. His title as her brother was deserved, based on the genuine affection and platonic protectiveness similar to that of Alice's. Keiji has made advances tho, on many occasions, and his flirting is repeatedly acknowledged by other characters. Namely Sou and Reko.

(Sou grills him for being a creep every chance he gets I love him XD) But yeah, these are not the type of reactions and comments you receive when being a "father-figure" to the teenager. You get all this when you hit on the teenager. Which he does all the time by calling her "cute" every time she asks something and his "cute little detective", swearing himself to her by saying that "he's always on her side" or something like that, asking her if she'd die alongside him, repeatedly claiming or insinuating that they're on a date, or ""having a moment"" and going to ""take the next step"" when in private (*cough* groomer *cough*)-- you name it, he likely said it. He's a walking-talking ladykiller machine and teenage girls aren't safe, apparently.

(Quick note: The dialogue for the Russian Roulette one is a tad different now. In the new translation he says "cause you're so darn cute" now. I dunno if that makes it sound any less weird, but I felt like putting that out there. What I'm also putting out there is that according to the trivia he calls her cute 8 times throughout the game so. Yeah. *Cough* groomer *COUGH COUGH*)

Like, who tf says this?? Especially that last part 💀 Even if you wanna die on the hill that these are supposed to be "jokes" not to be taken seriously, we should all be able to agree that the (ex)police officer in his late 20s jokingly hitting on the high schooler he follows around is still weirdo behaviour at best and down right despicable at worst. The fandom seeing lowkey predatory/inappropriate behaviour from a figure of authority persistent for almost three entire chapters and dismissing it as "fatherly" and "platonic" is, well, concerning. It's very concerning. If your dad acts like Keiji, you should probably call the police. Unfortunately for Sara, Keiji is the police. And considering this guy got away with manslaughter, I don't think said police would do anything anywho. But yeah-- he uses flattery and flirting to distract her from prodding to much at him while simultaneously aiming to gain favour in her eyes. He showers her with reassurance of his loyalty and affirmation of his deeper attachment towards her and her alone every chance he gets to cement his position as her closest and most trustworthy ally. He insinuates a romantic partnership between them to others to mostly keep her to himself or the two of them alone (he always does that when they're investigating or going to investigate by themselves). There's such an obvious romantic undertone to their relationship and his actions that it going almost completely ignored in the fandom feels weird to me.

I want to make clear that there's nothing wrong with headcanoning Keiji as a father figure to Sara. It's cute. Keiji didn't have a dad himself, and the closest thing to a father figure he had was the man he shot dead. He's a damaged and hardened guy. But Sara's dad is involved with Asunaro and Gin's is an alcoholic, and in a situation where they both need guidence and protection he tries his best to grow and change, fumbling to become that decent father none of them got to have. It's nice, and a wholesome dynamic for our "characters with memorandum counterparts and only non-determined deaths" trio. But that's obviously not what their dynamic is. There's a difference between headcanoning something and erasing canon and the Yttd fandom leans heavily into the latter. Keiji's a creep, he always has been, yet 90% of people I see always portray him as a Mr. Dad Guy or completely sanitise him to hell when him being creepy and unnerving to be around is what made him such a fascinating character. Just like I said with Soushin, the sanitisation to make canon more digestible is one thing: harassing or insulting the people that explore canon is another. I'm gonna take a bullet, derail this rant and say it-- Keisara shippers get so much shit for literally being right it's so infuriating. Keiji does hit on Sara, a lot. He's creepy and weird like that. Him flirting with her isn't a "mistranslation" or a joke or anything like that; his dubious wording and antics are very much intentional. Yet the only people I see actually addressing and acknowledging that without adding fluff is keisara shippers and other ""proshippers"" only for them to get fucking sniped for it I cannot 💀💀 I have yet to meet a single eastern fan who calls this cop "fatherly". This really feels like such a western issue cuz the majority of the japanese fandom agrees that this man's a predator (correct me if i'm wrong but keisara is the most popular ship in the japanese side of the fandom, right?). Then again, eastern fandoms are more chill over there when it comes to separating fiction and reality in general anywho.

*Yeah, I think I'm done with the Keiji slander. Yay. Time to unceremoniously end this.

There's more to say about that, but this is a Keiji post, not another shipping discourse post (although it's hard discussing Keiji's predatory behaviour without bringing it up too). Before I do spiral from the original point, I'm going to try and reach some sort of conclusion here. While I did spent the majority of this post just reading Keiji to filth, and am very salty towards him in particular, this was not just to rake him through mud for my own sanity (tho it's part of it XD). Keiji's character is that he started off as someone who wanted to do the right thing, someone who wanted to be good and moral and protect others by joining the force only to kill all the progress he made along with the person who inspired him to become an officer in the first place. It heavily contrasts the Keiji we have now, a sleazy, unreliable and corrupt ex detective who flirts with underage girls and is willing to resort to the most bankrupt of decisions to save himself. A man that has long lost hope of his wounds healing that he lets them fester and his rot spread onto others. And while I headcanon Keiji to just inherently be a piece of shit, his former self tried his best to be genuinely good before he became so convinced he can never be better that he made peace with his shittiness in the end.

With all this I wanted to highlight some the shadier and bankrupt things he's done that I haven't seen much discussion around and refresh myself on them before the final part. Both so no matter how emotionally dependent and therefore rose-tinted Sara is about the man I don't forget what he's actually like and what he's done while also being able to appreciate how much he's changed for the better. Some of my favourite examples about how he's changed are these:

Before the second Main Game Keiji was willing to let Sara and Kanna die because it was the most beneficial option for him, but in Chapter 3 he takes the on the role of "it" from Kanna and refuses to tag Sara when he thought he was gonna die after failing to beat Midori.

Actually showing more sympathy towards Sou after the Main Game. He was very mean about dismantling his pretence of a cold front to Kanna's death, don't get me wrong, but he showed a lot more consideration and understanding for Sou's feelings and acknowledgement about his active role in it than he ever had beforehand.

He was genuinely fighting for everyone to survive the game, not just himself. While Keiji would prefer everyone making it out safely, he has a tendency to guarantee his own survival first through any means necessary. His plan to corner Midori in the banquet could've cost him his life if it weren't for Q-taro's final stunt, yet he still reassured Sara to save Gin even tho it could've resulted in his execution from Meister potentially finding him guilty of violating the rules.

Him hugging Mai and trying to be more cheerful was cute as heck. I'm sorry but him showing more vulnerability around his allies and being less closed off in a way he hasn't been before is something I'm very head empty about. That he was hugging and interacting with Mai without making any unwanted advances or ladykiller jokes and generally just having a more friendly vibe was nice. It makes his creeping on Sara more unfortunate, but I'll take what I can for now. The bar is in hell.

And that's it, I think. Overall, I hope they do address some of his actions here in the final part or make them have an impact on his and Sara's relationship. Especially that Asunaro part. The person who wished for Sara to join the death game is still unknown and so is Keiji's consent form wish (same goes for the Dummies, Hinako and Megumi), so I'm curious if they're related or not. If he's going to go down an even darker path or redeem himself as much as he can we'll see when the final part drops. He has the potential to go both ways. This is going to be kinda awkward if the next part reveals him to have been a decent guy all along, so hopefully that doesn't happen. Please be morally bankrupt, man. This post didn't end up the way I wanted it to, nor bring up as many points as I would've liked, but I know I won't finish it if I went full perfectionist on it (I already spent months on this writer's block do be a bitch) and it's looking kinda long already. Hopefully it's still decent enough as is right now. I'd like to say that this is my apology for the last longpost I made, but I brought up one of the most controversial and hated ships and traits of Keiji's character and defended them, so maybe I shouldn't 🙃 Anywho, hope you enjoyed and cheerio.

[flowryluv]

sara adoption au!!!!!!!

[demigodofhoolemere]

Me through most of Boom: Wow, this is a really solid dramatic episode.

Me when Moffat needlessly sprinkles in anti-faith sentiments without specifying that it’s blind faith in bad things that the Doctor doesn’t like, which makes it come off like the Doctor is just against religion generally:

[mumblingsage]

I'm about 100 pages from the end of Fool's Fate and it's doing the same thing Patricia Brigg's Hurog trilogy did earlier this year, namely remind me of myself back in the early 2000s when these books were written. By which I mean (not derogatory!) they both remind me of (not derogatory!!) how I didn't think I was allowed to just write two guys happily having sex with each other so instead the story resorts to some of the most astonishing subliminal, symbolic, plausibly deniable, either textually or subtextually homophobic (not actually derogatory!!!) and frequently very angsty events! One might even call them intricate rituals!

[hollygl125]

Tag Game: First 10 Lines Challenge:

Rules: Share the first line of your last ten published works or as many as you are able to and see if there are any patterns!

I’ve tagged myself off a general invitation to participate, so I invite anyone else who’s interested to do the same.

I haven’t stayed strictly with the last ten stories. Instead I went with the ten stories posted so far—of a total of fourteen—in my ongoing canon GSR series. I also haven’t stayed strictly with the first lines—I couldn’t decide whether to do the first lines of the introductions (where applicable) or of the actual story text, so I went with both.

Today is the two-year anniversary of when I started posting this series, which I thought this would be a good time to share this! When I first started writing the series back in late June 2022, I didn’t imagine I’d still be posting it over two years later. But it’s now almost three times as long as it was when I had completed my first draft—though the end point is not significantly different.

1.   Survivors in the Night: AAFS Conference to Las Vegas: A How They Met Story [12 chapters; 21,420 words]

Introduction:

Gil Grissom meets Sara Sidle at the 1998 forensic academy conference in San Francisco. They immediately fall in love. Maybe that should have been the end of the story; maybe it should have been that easy. But it wasn’t, not for these two science nerds. They live happily ever after, eventually, but not in this story. This story is the first loop in their roller coaster ride, though. This story gets Sara Sidle to Vegas.

October 2000. Las Vegas, Nevada.

“You are . . .” he trailed off, struggling to find the right word. “You are so . . .” Again, he couldn’t get it. He was usually quite adept with words. He had a good memory and a Shakespeare quotation close at hand for almost any situation. But he currently had a very tall, very attractive, very naked young brunette in his bed, and she always seemed to do this to him. He was at a loss.

“You are so . . . completely f[***]able,” he finally concluded.

She laughed. Of all the words she might have expected to come out of the eminent entomologist’s mouth, that was possibly the last. He could have called her a Martian, and she’d have been less surprised.

2.   No, I Never Meant to Break Your Heart: This Area Was Always a Good Place for Stargazing: A How They Got Together Story [6 chapters; 10,492 words]

Introduction:

Sara Sidle and Gil Grissom had worked together very well in the beginning. They’d kind of flirted a bit in the beginning (okay, they probably still did that), and they’d stood really very abnormally close together (they definitely still did that), and no one had seemed to notice this, except Catherine Willows had maybe noticed their flirting, but that really was way back in the beginning

[. . .]

March 2005. Las Vegas, Nevada.

Sara didn’t know what he was doing. She really didn’t. Ever since she’d told Grissom about her deep, dark, secret past, he’d been confusing her. Ever since she’d told him about that deep, dark, secret past, he’d just . . . been there.

3.   No, I Never Meant to Let You Down: After the Meteors: The Smallest of Moments [Drabble]

April 2005. Later that same day. Las Vegas, Nevada.

“Sara . . .”

She looked at him.

“Sara, we . . .” He hesitated.

Why did he look nervous?

4.   I Never Meant to Turn Away: Committed: Some Reflections by the Scientist [One-shot; 3,596 words]

April 2005. Later that same week. Las Vegas, Nevada.

Commit. To commit. To be committed. Suddenly these phrases had taken on a lot of significance in Sara Sidle’s life—too much significance, perhaps.

5.   No, I Never Meant to Cause You Pain: Grave Danger to Law of Gravity: Various Encounters [9 chapters; 14,875 words]

Introduction:

Sara Sidle was Gil Grissom’s fantasy. That much was obvious. Sara Sidle and Gil Grissom were in fact already sleeping together. Should that have been obvious? (No one else seemed to figure it out, except maybe that shrewd detective Jim Brass.)

[. . .]

December 2006. Las Vegas, Nevada.

He knew he needed to tell her. He would tell her the next day—always the next day. He most definitely needed to tell her. It wasn’t going to get any better if he put it off. It was going to happen, and he couldn’t exactly just have her wake up one day and find him gone.

6.   No, I Never Meant to Hurt You: The Good, the Bad, and the Happy Ending(s): More Encounters; A Conversation Takes Place [One-shot; 4,001 words]

Introduction:

By now, Grissom had shaved again. Well, no, Sara had shaved him. It was pretty intimate. Sara had not yet read the letter from Williamstown, but she soon would. (That’s the subject of another story, though.) Regardless, they were both pretty happy.

[. . .]

May 2007. Las Vegas, Nevada.

She was fine. Sara Sidle was fine. And doesn’t that tell you all you really need to know?

April 2007. Las Vegas, Nevada.

Sara Sidle swooned—or close to it. The man she loved had just declared his love for her while on a case, and it was just about the sweetest thing she’d ever heard. He hadn’t said those exact words, of course, but his meaning was clear. So Sara swooned.

7.   All I Ever Wanted Was to Be Right Here: After the Desert: A Very Brief Interlude [One-shot; 576 words]

Introduction:

Sara Sidle made it out of the desert. Sara Sidle is a survivor.

May 2007. Las Vegas, Nevada.

As soon as he was allowed, Grissom had gone to sit by her bed. Since then, he’d only left her side for the briefest of moments. He held her hand, and he praised everything in which he believed, and everything in which he didn’t, that she’d made it through the ordeal alive.

8.   All I Want to Do Now Is to Try My Best: I Love It When You Dress Up: A Moment of Happiness [One-shot; 3,776 words]

Introduction:

“Yes. Let’s do it.”

October 2007. Las Vegas, Nevada.

Well, he’d gone and done it. He’d done the thing she’d always kind of dreamed of him doing—the thing she’d always kind of dreamed of him doing, even before it was safe (well before it was safe) for her to dream of him doing anything of the sort.

She had never dreamed of her wedding day. For much of her life, truth be told, she hadn’t imagined she would ever get married. Growing up—first with her parents and their disastrous (nay, tragic) relationship and then in her string of foster homes—she hadn’t exactly acquired an idea of marriage as anything to be emulated. But then she’d met this man. Ever since she’d met him, she’d always wanted to be connected to this man. And so, quite despite herself, Sara Sidle had dreamed.

9.   So Don't Ever, Don't Ever, Don't Forget: I Miss You with Every Beat of My Heart: A Long-distance Telephone Call . . . and a Movie [One-shot; 2,912 words]

Introduction:

What do you do when you can’t be with the one you love?

Winter 2008. San Francisco, California and Las Vegas, Nevada.

“Hi,” he said softly, after flipping open his phone and putting it to his ear, as if a more forceful response would scare her off.

“Hi,” she replied, just as softly, as if it took all her strength to exist so far from this man who was so much a part of her.

10.                 All I Ever Wanted Was to Stand Beside You: Costa Rica to the Ishmael, and Then Some: A How They Fell Apart & How They Came Back Together Story [21 (of 28) chapters; 64,901 words (and counting)] [WIP]

Introduction:

Sara Sidle and Gil Grissom were living together very happily (with their dog, Hank—we will never forget Hank, the best dog either of them ever had) in Las Vegas, Nevada, when a serial killer decided to exact revenge on Grissom by kidnapping and killing Sara.

[. . .]

Fall 2015. San Diego, California.

Gil Grissom had found himself in a spot of trouble in San Diego, while carrying out some of his ongoing (and slightly illegal—he’d been found trespassing on a boat) conservation efforts. But an odd twist of fate was helping Grissom out. An officer from San Diego Harbor Patrol was just finishing up on the phone with Grissom’s former colleague, the current Las Vegas sheriff, Conrad Ecklie. Ecklie had requested Grissom’s urgent assistance on a case.

“It’s your lucky day, pal,” the officer told Grissom, after ending the call. “I’d tell you not to leave town, but I guess you’re going to Sin City.”

Grissom sighed. “Vegas,” he said, with a not-slight measure of regret. On the surface, Grissom looked a little put out but generally calm. Inside, however, was a different matter: Vegas. F[***]. F[*******]. F[***]. Even in his head, Grissom didn’t ordinarily curse. But in this case he would make an exception: F[**********].

It wasn’t Vegas itself that was the problem. It was his ex-wife: Sara Sidle. She was overseeing the case on which he’d agreed to assist. It was both because of her that he’d agreed to assist and because of her that he had almost refused. Ultimately the tie had been broken by his desire for Ecklie’s help on his current, er, situation with the harbor patrol.

[operativenightingale]

as someone who only really ships the idea and the chemistry of calzona, and really really really should know better, is there anyone that ships them that isn't overly indulgent towards arizona and doesn't seem to blame callie for not bringing the moon down for her or something, even at her own expense, especially at her own expense?

[luthienne]

i love that we’ve just collectively decided to loudly and randomly say hey bear!! as a way of informing bears of our presence while out in the wilderness

[astrid-beck]

I remember during c2 a very popular theory was, that Trent actually was Bren's real father....

Hmm I've never heard this before but honestly I think it's more interesting if the point is that he doesn't need to be their biological father for the power structures and tropes and rhetorics of the nuclear family to be used to legitimize the volstrucker project and indoctrinate complete obedience that feels "natural" or even self-serving; The personal ego becomes intertwined with or replaced by the Family, and damage to the family is therefore damage to you. And by extension, disobedience to the family is hurting oneself, is disrespectful and ungrateful towards the gifts of the family, you owe it to the father to lead your life the way he wants you to because he GAVE you your life, etc. It's not that Caleb is special because he's biologically related to Trent, it's that all three of them are given the task of being siblings and being the Best Child to distract from the fact that what they're actually doing is working, for a boss, under an imperial structure.

But I do think Trent potentially being from Blumenthal is interesting. Would at the very least have some implications for why he favored Bren, as a blumenthal kid with the potential to be the better, streamlined version of himself. And then the begrudging shift to Astrid as his new son and heir, who is probably actually more like him—but not nearly as clean

[gorelesbian]

do you have any cool unreality-ish book recs? like... annihilation?

i'm not a super big unreality/abstract horror person but i have a few that get weird and have you questioning which parts are really happening!

bunny by mona awad is about samantha who starts hanging out with a clique of unbearable rich girls from her creative writing class. slowly she gets dragged into the world of these "bunnies" and their spells more and more until she loses her grip on reality. this one is a hit or miss for many, i thought it was a little slow but it has some super interesting concepts.

i'm thinking of ending things by iain reid is about a woman and her boyfriend who are on their way to visit his parents. things slowly get stranger and make less and less sense and i'm still not sure what really happened. i'll be honest i hated the ending and there's some really interesting concepts in there that sadly go nowhere so this is a hesitant recommendation. many people love this book but be prepared for it to not explain itself until its very polarising ending hits.

the yellow wallpaper by charlotte perkins gilman is a timeless classic for a reason. a woman in the 1890s is diagnosed with "hysteria" and forced to rest in a room with horrid yellow wallpaper. she's forbidden to do anything at all so all she can do is stare at this wallpaper all day, which she slowly becomes obsessed with.

if you're into manga; the summer hikaru died is a great cosmic horror story with queer undertones. yoshiki's best friend hikaru came back after he went missing on a nearby mountain. he looks and sounds the same but yoshiki knows it's not hikaru, so who or what is it?

[aromanticasterisms]

iridescence tour but no xinyan... :(

[banannabethchase]

I'm listening to the audiobook of "I Kissed Shara Wheeler", and oh boy the line where Georgia says they need Chloe because, as the bisexual, she's the only one in their gay friend group who can do math resonates way harder than it needed to.

[jouover]

OH SHIT SHIN REKO AND NAO ARE MILLENNIALS

[cannibalismyuri]

the whole point is love. the whole point is to love!!!!!!!!! and show it!!! telling people you love them is the whole point!!!!!!! of everything!!!! experiencing love of your own and beinging intertwined in another's is the highest acconplishment!!! to love is to live!!!!!!!!!!!! TO! LOVE! IS! TO! LIVE!

[always-on-fire-for-sara]

Um, well I was really heartbroken when I first heard it. I mean, I wasn’t in the acute stage of heartbreak, I was in the stage where you feel like you’re never going to get over someone and all your friends are like, ‘Please don’t talk about her anymore.’ They were like, ‘Get over it!’, but I couldn’t because there was no other face I wanted to look at more. So yeah, I was in a very preoccupied but functional stage of a breakup – and I don’t even know if it was really a breakup – and I honestly felt sleepless. Like I was trying to sleep with a broken heart and I just couldn’t. It was devastating to me that I just couldn’t get over this woman, and just being in that isolating period when the time of people being empathetic is over and nobody wants to hear about it anymore.

Sara Quin about her memories associated with “Try Sleeping With a Broken Heart” by Alicia Keys (x)

[jailwithonlyboys]

"Most of the people who, at least that I've written songs about, know and seemed fine about it. However...I do feel like, at least on my side of the equation, there are a number of women who they wish I hadn't written songs about them. Not at the time, I think at the time they were like, Great, and then I think now it must haunt them.

And I don't even mean it to be funny, I mean it in like a - God, it must be annoying every time we put out a new album and we're just everywhere again and our faces. I definitely feel like there's this public haunting that happens. I also feel like I know that from having been involved at a time with another public figure. And I just remember always being like - I mean, I didn't want anything bad to happen to her, but I was like, Why can't she just be a dentist?"

- Sara Quin, Vancouver VIP Q & A 11/20/22